#sorry if it sucks! i have not done a story since July - 7 -"

[animekath]

Little Strawberry

Milo X Reader

Hey guys, Kat here! I’m back after so long! I’m sorry about the long wait; I have been so tired from work and just got drained into doing any writing at all! But I’ve wanted to do a story for the past week now, so here we are!

My work friends and I were talking about the hotties in Pokemon; one picked Piers, and the other picked Leon, while I picked Milo! I can’t help myself; I love the big and cuddly boys, don’t judge me! I was interested in doing a smut story about him, so here I am!

I hope you enjoy it! Sorry for spelling and grammar! My dyslexic ass > v >”

Words: 3457

Warning: Sweet, teasing, grinding, fingering, riding, size kink, praising, swearing, creampie, gentle to rough sex, a soft boy with a big D!

Enjoy!

Milo; one of the best gym leaders and carries grass-type Pokemon to battle. He’s big, strong and fearless but also has a heart of gold and admired by his other gym leaders in the Galar region.

That same man was also your boyfriend.

How you met was a Riveting and even romantic story. Wild Thievul’s were hunting you across the field until Milo came in-between to shield you, helping you up when they ran off and guided you to his house in Turffield. His home was practically covered in flowers from top to bottom, even having a more extensive garden for himself and his pokemon. Milo introduced himself as he aided you, wrapping your ankle where one of the wild Pokemon bit you, letting you know you can rest in his house if you like. You were flattered but told him it was not necessary; you didn’t want to bother him already. He was a Gym leader, it must not be an easy job to do, but he was determined for you to know that you were no bother, even letting you borrow his bed to sleep.

After that, you would come by his house with gifts and treats as a thank you. It made Milo pleased to see you a lot more. But the more you started to see each other, the more you liked each other. Your face would heat up while Milo was a bit blundering and flustered when any contact or even flirting happened. His Wooloo got sick of the back and forth, so he bumped you into Milo so he could hold you. When that happened, he didn’t want to let you go, and you didn’t want to pull away, which made you both ending up kissing that sunny afternoon. 

It’s been a few months in the relationship, and it was going swimmingly well! He was busy in the gym half the time, so you would go to applaud him on, always excited to watch him battle. Then after, you would go back to his house and treat yourselves with scones and tea.

God, you loved this big man so much. He made you feel protective and loved; it made your chest tighten. But for a flustered and kind man, he could do so much to you in the bedroom, that just thinking about it made your knees weak.

And did the large man have a large package?

Yes.

Yes, indeed, he did!

It was the second month until he took you to the bedroom, anxious and a bit insecure about what you would think. He was single this whole time because people couldn’t take him or just backed away instantly. But not you..! Of course, you were shocked at first, but you didn’t back down from his size. You had no idea how happy Milo was when you took him but got worried when you nearly passed out at the end.

And today was going to be the same.

“Milo..! You in?” You called out as you knocked on the wooden door, waiting for him to open the door as you felt your summer dress flow across your legs by the wind. You never wear dresses often, but the sun was out for once in Galar. You also know Milo gets blushing when you expose your skin and you notice him glancing at your legs once or twice.

The door finally opened; your boyfriend into full view with dirt covering his T-shirt. “My sweet strawberry..! I’m happy to see you!” He was about to hug you, but you placed a hand on his chest, pointing at the dirt covering him. “Oh, sorry. I was doing some gardening.” Milo said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’ll hug you when you change, so I’ll give you this.” You gave the larger man a sweet kiss on his lips, making him lean towards you but paused when you pulled away with a teasing smile, making him huff. Milo shut the door when you came in, going upstairs to change.

You always loved his home; It was covered with paintings of pokemon and flowers; one photo displaying him and the other gym leaders on top of his fireplace. Your eyes glanced at the smaller one next to it with a smile, seeing it was you, Milo and his Eldegoss. As you were looking over the photos, you felt two big arms going around your waist. “How is my sweet strawberry doing?” He asked with a giant smile on his face, snuggling into your neck.

You giggled when his peach coloured hair tickled your neck. “I’m fine...I got a surprise for you.” You said before pulling away to turn to him, Milo seeing the Pokeball between you both. “I got a Pokemon..!” You spoke with exhilaration in your voice.

“Congratulations!” Milo said brightly before hugging you again. “Come on, come on, show me your new friend..!” He said before backing away. You tossed your Pokeball into the air for the pokemon to come out, a small tail wagging when he came to display. “A Yamper? Heh, how am I not surprised?” He chuckled as he kneeled, letting him sniff his hand before stroking him. “You have been talking about getting one since I met you.”

“Well they’re so cute, and their evolved form is also adorable!” You chuckled as you watched your boyfriend. “I like him. I’m going to take care of him and train him up to be strong..!” You said with determination. "Just like my big boyfriend."

“Good! I’ll help in any way I can. I can be your trainer.” He grinned as he got up, opening his back door for the Pokemon to run outside. “Maybe that’ll get me more treats.”

“You get many treats anyway.” You snickered at his wide grin.

“Then where are they now? I don't see any treats.” He questioned you, his large hands on his hips as he tilted his head to the side.

“Hmm...Me?” You raised a brow, Milo’s face instantly flushed. You couldn’t hold back your giggle at his expression, seeing he was trying to find the right words. “I mean...I did wear this for you.” You said, playing with the ends of the fabric. “Do you like it?” You asked him as you walked over, placing a hand on his broad chest.

“Ur...Y-Yeah, of course, I do..!” The poor man shuttered out, his body stiff as a board when you touched him. Oh god, why does he get like this when you do the tiniest things!? You turned, so your back was touching his chest, your hips lightly pressed against him. “Don’t tease, love...You know I...”

“Hm?” You hummed innocently, your hips bucked against his, his knuckles turning white. Since Milo knew you could take him, he finds it harder to control himself around you. “Oh..!” You gasped, feeling the tent in his pants which poked between your ass cheeks. “Oh my...Is that your big Metapod using harden?” You purred out, hearing the larger man whine with desperation and embarrassment. You couldn’t help but tease him. You got over the flustered stage in your relationship, and he needs to as well. It wasn’t a bad thing, you loved him like this, but he needed a push once in a while.

“_-_____...” Milo muttered your name against your head, biting his bottom lip when you didn’t stop, his throbbing shaft resuming to rub against you when you moved. “Hah...Plea...” He grunted, at his final peak. But when you pulled up your dress to show your flowery underwear, that made him snap. “Love..!” You gasped when his large hands grasped your breasts, rubbing and pressing them together from behind as he practically humped you. “You need to stop teasing me.” He whined against your ear, his fingers gently rubbing and pinching your nipples over the dress, making you whimper by his touch. “Because...Then...I...I won’t stop.”

“M-Milo..!” You shuttered out, placing a hand on his. “I don’t want you to stop...I want you to L-Loosen up.” You rubbed up against him again, hearing Milo’s breath hitch.

You felt your dress loosen on your shoulders and chest; now the fabric pooled on the floor. “God, you’re so beautiful.” He sighs against your skin as he kisses along your shoulder, his hand palming your chest as the other slipped between your legs. “I am a lucky man to have you.” He groaned when his middle finger ran along your pussy lips, a small smile spread on his lips. “Did I excite you that much, love?” Milo asked against your neck.

“You always do.” You whined, before feeling his hands pull away. Milo leads you to his couch, sitting down first so you could sit across his lap. Milo slipped off your bra and underwear with ease, humming at the naked sight of you. He let you rest your head on his chest while he parted your legs, two fingers rubbing your pussy again. “Mmn...” You bit your lip as you held onto him, loving how gently he was, even at his size. “Milo...”

His middle finger slipped inside your folds, groaning as you soaked his finger already. “My little strawberry...I know you love this. My fingers are dancing inside you and getting you prepared for my size.” He hummed as he watched his finger slip in and out of you, making your face heat up by the lewd sounds when he thrust it inside. “Heh, no need to hide from me. I love watching you enjoy this.” Milo was the type of man that cared about your pleasure than his. Milo’s aching cock was begging for release from his shorts but held himself for you.

“M-Milo...Ah..!” You gasped when a second finger joined, now pumping and scissoring your tight pussy, which made you stir on his lap. “O-Oh, fuck...More. Give me more. I-I want your fingers to fuck me.” You weakly begged your boyfriend, his face going red again but did what you asked. His fingers increased in speed, your juices leaking out and dripped down to the couch and even staining his shorts.

“You’re doing such a good job...” Milo bit his lip as he continued to watch, knowing you want to close your legs, but he didn’t let you. He wanted to see every part of you, even the parts you got insecure about deep down. He loved you and your body, happy to know that each piece was his. Oh god, just the thought made him close to climaxing in his shorts. “Do you want more?” He asked, politely.

“Y-Yes, yes..! Please, Milo...Fuck me. Oh, please..! take me, Milo!” You begged, your hips bucking up into his hands. Milo got putty from your words. “Ah!” You cried out when his fingers curled, rubbing on the sensitive area which made you moan louder, your walls tightening around his fingers. “M-Milo, don’t-! I’ll-!” Your hands tightly gripped onto his shirt when he didn’t stop, his fingers soaked from your juices. “F-Fuck..! I’m coming-! Yes!” Before you could come, Milo paused. "H-Hey..!"

“Not yet.” He grinned when you stared at him. That evil man! He pulled his fingers out slowly, looking over his hand before giving them a lick. “W-Wow...You taste so good, _____. Maybe next time, I...I can eat you out?” He questioned, looking at you with a nervous smile.

“Hah...You’re so cute...” You returned the smile, placing a kiss on his lips which he happily returned. You fully sat on his lap, undoing his belt to his shorts and tugged them down with his boxers, having hearts in your eyes when you saw his cock slap against his stomach. Every time you saw him, it sent titillation through your body. Milo tossed his shirt aside when you got distracted, his hand, which was wet from your excitement, was slowly pumping his shaft to lube himself up.

“J-Just lower yourself onto me, okay? Take your time.” Milo shuttered out, his free hand gently caressing your hip. You nod as your hands rubbed his chest and abs, going down to trace his shaft which made him twitch against your touch. You loved his size. He couldn’t fit around your mouth nor hand; it was a challenge you couldn’t win. The only way to take it whole was your pussy, and even then, it could be a struggle sometimes.

You placed a hand on his shoulder while the other lined himself against your entrance, rubbing the hot tip along your slit before slipping it in. “Mmm...” You bit your lip as you started to lower yourself, your boyfriend was gripping your hips as you gulped up his shaft, inch by inch going in. “S-Shit...Oh, you’re stretching me.” You whimpered out, going teary-eyed by the pressure. "I love it."

“I-I do too but, please. Ah...Take your time.” He exhaled out as he watched you with concern on his face when he felt your thighs shake. Fuck it, going slow was dragging. You gripped his shoulders with both hands and slammed the many inches down inside you fast, crying out when his end nearly ripped your womb in half. “L-Love!?” He embraced your small body when you started to shake, feeling your nails digging into his broad shoulders. “I’ll pull out, okay? I’ll-”

“N-No..!” You shook your head, looking up at him with a weak smile. “Let me...Let me get used to it.” You breathed out. Milo swallowed the hard lump in his throat as his green eyes looked down at you before nodding his head hesitantly. You kissed him to calm his nerves, your hands relax before they ran through his colourful hair. “Mmm...You’re so sweet to me.”

“Of course, love. You’re my girlfriend, and my girlfriend deserves love and cuddles!” He smiled down at you, gently rubbing your hips. You felt him twitch and throb inside you, making your insides relax by the pleasure. “Please don’t do that again, I nearly had a heart attack.” He said softly.

“S-Sorry...But I’m fine. No need to worry.” Your hand ran along your lower stomach, feeling your face heat up. “F-Fuck...I’ve never felt you this deep.” You said, guiding his hand to your stomach so he could feel the bump which was his tip.

That got the poor boy red as he pulled his hand away. “D-Don’t let me touch it, it’s weird.” He whined, making you giggle at his reaction.

“Oh? Will it be weird that you’ll be filling me up with your cum at the end?” You raised a brow, never thought his face could get redder. “Hm...Didn’t think so-” You gasped when he twitched again, your man finding it oddly exciting by your obscene words. Once you felt confident to continue, your hand rested on his strong shoulders before you started to move your hips. You moaned every time you lowered yourself, again and again, feeling Milo’s thick shaft getting eaten up.

“Ah..._____.” He breathed out your name when you continued, his hands resting on your hips. God, the sight thrilled him. Your heated body was taking his cock, each moan sounding desperate and whiney. “Y-You love this...Don’t you?” He sighed, gently kissing your forehead. “I love it...You’re doing so well.” His lips went down to your neck, kissing and gently nibbling your skin. “I...I want to...Nnh-Pound you and...” Milo bit his lip, trying to hold himself together.

Should he say it?

“M-Milo..?” You breathed out, your hips moving on their own. You tilted his head up so he could see the sweet smile on your face. “N-No need to hold yourself back for me, M-Milo...Hah...Please. I know you care about my pleasures but, I-I care about yours too. So...Use me. Say anything to me...L-Let your dirty mind free.” You giggled. “I...I can take it, but if it does get too much, I’ll tell you to stop...O-Okay?” You muttered. You wanted your boyfriend to know that he didn’t have to be shy anymore.

Milo bit his lip as he looked over you, letting out a weak hum in his throat, his large hands gripping your hands. “My little strawberry, I...” He let out a low, frustrated groan which sent a shiver up your spine. “F-Forgive me.” He was on top now, pinning you on to the couch and lifting your legs into the air, crying out when he started to thrust. “O-Oh fu...Tight. Yes.” He moaned out, while his hips slapped against your ass with each thrust he made. Your hand was on top of his while the other gripped the couch to keep steady. It was like a rock Pokemon using pound again and again!

“M-Milo! It’s so De-Deep!” You cried out. You could hardly talk by the rough fucking he was giving you, tears running down your face since so many inches were pounding the fuck out of you, but you enjoyed it, you yearn for it. You could see his tip making a lump in your lower belly, blushing at the sight in front of you. Milo’s body was over you like an Alpha, taking what is his. “F-Fuck, fuck! It’s so good!” You cried as your hips bucked up. “I can’t think straight! M-My mind is-NNH! Fucked!!!”

“Love...Ah..! Take it..! damn, I-!” Milo groaned. He lowered a bit of his speed so he could pound you with harder thrusts, each one making you scream. “You’re M-Milking me, _____..!” He nearly pulled out all the way, his tip between your folds before thrusting in, Milo feeling your whole body spazz as you screamed. His eyes widen when he saw the state you were in already. “D...Did you just come?” He asked, his hands feeling your thighs shake. Heck, your whole body was shaking. “Should I stop?” He asked with a hint of worry.

“Hah...Ah...N...No, pl...” What were you even saying? Your mind was blank. “Com...Come I-Inside me...” You breathed out, looking up at the bigger man. “I-I want to feel your...Your hot cum spilling inside me. G-Get my belly nice and full.” You hummed; Milo’s face embarrassed once again.

“O-Okay...If you’re sure.” He breathed out. He started to move again, feeling your pussy was soft after your climax. He hears you whimper since you were still sensitive. “Nnh-” Milo grunted when he got into it, your whimpers fading into moans. As the long minutes went by, you were into it again, moaning and begging the man for another release.

Milo lifted you, your legs around his waist and hugging his neck as his hands were cupping your ass. He thrusts up into you, practically bouncing you on his throbbing cock. “Nnh! M-Milo! Please, please, J-Just come inside..!” You begged, your fingers gripping onto his hair once again.

Milo couldn’t hold it any longer. His balls were swelling, and his shaft felt like it was expanding inside your slick walls, his tip hot and near sensitive when it stroked against you. “Y-Yes, love...I’m close, so C-Close...!” He whined, his nails digging into your flesh as he fucked into you. “Get ready for my cum to fill you...Get you N-Nice and full..! Damn it, _____!” He let out a low groan and then bit into your shoulder, slamming you down on to his shaft as he came. “Mm!”

“M-MILO!” You screamed out as you came with him, seeing stars when his cum started filling you up. “Nnh-!” There was so much that it was already spilling out of you and dripping on his shaft. “S-So much...Fuck.” You breathed out, resting your head on his shoulder, feeling so light-headed. You might faint on him if he goes for another round.

He slumped on the couch with you on his lap, feeling his soft lips on your neck where he bit you. “Sorry...Did that hurt?” He asked, your replay being a small mumble. “Heh..” Milo smiled, slowly pulling out his cock, which made you whimper. When he did that, you felt more cum spilling out. “Damn...I did a number on you, huh?”

“Mmmhmm...Might sleep on you now.” You mumbled as you snuggled into his massive chest.

“Not now, my little strawberry. Let’s bathe and snuggle in bed; I’ll even make you coco.” Milo grinned down at you, seeming like he was back to his cute self.

You gave him a sweet kiss and smiled softly. “I love you...You know that?”

“...” Milo blushed. “I love you too. I wanted to say that for ages, but I didn’t know you would feel the same..!”

Such an adorable boyfriend.

THE END! - 7 -”

[broadstbroskis]

the wedding date | morgan rielly

a/n: well first things first, i’m gonna give a shoutout to myself, because i started this fucking thing back in august and it’s finally completed (that’s right, it took me 7 months to write just under 5k, shhh, it finally came together). 

anyway, since i started this back in august, you can tell i’ve had this idea for a while. it’s morphed and changed a bit but the basic premise has stayed the same- you go home with morgan for a wedding and everyone thinks that you’re the girl he’s been dating for the last few years- so i hope you all enjoy! (also i’m sorry i suck at titles but like i’m not)

a special shoutout to these lovely people who have listened to me whine about this at any point over the last SEVEN MONTHS and some fellow mo lovers because you’re all amazing and i love you, @denis-scorianov, @brockadoodles, @danglesnipecelly, @laurenairay, @hockeyboysiguess

-----

When Morgan approaches you, with what you’ll later learn is only his first attempt to ask you something, you don’t even give him the chance, really. “Hey, what are you doing this summer?”

“Not you.” You quip back, grinning cheekily, ignoring the barks of laughter from Matthews and Marner beside him.

“Haha.” Morgan deadpans, but it’s busy that night at the bar, Saturday night after a Leafs win, and you’ve really got to get back to work now that you’ve finished serving them, so you’re already walking away from him.

The second time it happens is a Friday night, a few weeks later, when you’re out with some friends for the first time all semester. It’s late enough that you’re feeling just on the right side of tipsy, you’re drunk enough that you know you’re going to go home with the guy you shouldn’t, and you’re okay with both of those things. 

At least, tonight you are. Tomorrow morning will be a different story.

And then, Morgan stops you at the bar. “Hey.”

“Hey!” You grin back...and then it slowly fades as he just hems and haws. “What’s up?”

“I-” He blows out a frustrated groan.

Your eyebrows raise. You’ve known Morgan for years now, since his first season with Leafs had been right about when you started working at the bar for some extra cash after realizing just how expensive school was getting and grad school would be beyond that. You’re not sure you’ve ever seen him at such a loss for words. “Alright, well if you can’t think of it now, get back to me later, okay?”

“Wait-” He says, so you give him a minute or two, but there’s still nothing.

“Ok, I love you, but this is my one night out before my dissertation is due later this spring.” You tell him, reaching out for a hug. “You have my number and you know where to find me.”

“Ok.” Morgan smiles a little. “Have fun tonight.” And then you slink away from him, back in the direction of your friends, ready to let loose one last time before the craziness sets in.

The night that Morgan finally gets his question out is a quiet one in the middle of the week. He settles himself into the corner, doing his best to be discrete with a hat covering his face. By the time you and your coworker get everyone settled with drinks and you make your way over to him, he’s caught the attention of one older man, who immediately walks back to his girlfriend when you arrive at Morgan’s section of the bar.

“Well finally.” He’s free of all teammates, a rarity but not unheard of, especially this late in the season. “What’s a guy gotta do to get some service around here?”

“Oh sorry!” You tease. “Did I interrupt something here? Did you want me to call that guy back up so you guys could finish up?”

He flattens you with a look. “Don’t you dare.”

You giggle, leaning down against the bar in front of him. You know how much he loves the Toronto fanbase, but as playoffs approach, the fans are becoming more vocal and more forward with their thoughts. “You want another drink?”

He looks down at his glass, contemplates for a minute, and then nods, so you return quickly with a new beer for him and then smile as you watch him take a large gulp of it. “So what’s new?”

“Ehh loaded question.” He says cryptically. You give him a look. “But hey, you’re here on a Wednesday! You done with your...dissertation?” He trails off hesitantly, smiling at himself when you nod.

“Yup. I should know next week if I’m all clear.”

“And then?” He prompts.

“And then you can call me doctor, asshole.” You tease.

“I mean, Dr. Asshole isn’t what I would have gone with as my first choice, but if that’s what you want…”

“Morgan!” You laugh, ducking your head at the lame joke.

He’s grinning when you meet his eyes again, pleased as always that he could make someone laugh. “But seriously, that’s awesome! I’m excited for you.”

“Thanks.” You grin.

“What’s your next step then?”

“Umm I get to start researching infectious diseases for money.” You tell him excitedly, since you’d accepted a job with the University of Toronto’s medical research facilities. “But it doesn’t start until August.”

You’d expected Morgan to tease you about your excitement of infectious disease-something he and his teammates (among many other people you know) have done multiple times before-but instead, he perks up and says, “So you’d be free, on say, the weekend of July 8th?”

“Why?” You ask suspiciously. Experience has told you not to immediately say yes to this.

Morgan sighs. “Look. I need a date for a wedding back home that weekend.”

“And I’m the best you could come up with?”

“Best?” Morgan repeats. “You are funny, you’re pretty, you’re a doctor, all of which, frankly, puts you well out my league.”

“You’re not wrong.” You agree cheerfully, which puts the smile back on Morgan’s face, as you’d hoped. “But that doesn’t explain why you’d need a date to this wedding.”

The smile fades quickly and you wince. “I was supposed to go with Laura.”

You frown. “What happened to Laura?” Last you’d heard, the two of them were solid. Really solid. Headed for a wedding themselves, solid.

“She wasn’t who I thought she was.” He says flatly.

You wince. “I’m sorry, Mo.”

He shrugs. “It’s over and done with now.” You send him a reassuring smile. “So will you come?”

Well, there’s really no way you can say no now and not feel like an asshole. “Sure.”

The grin returns to his face. “Knew you’d come through for me.”

-----

Morgan rolls up to the airport in Vancouver to pick you up in a very fancy looking Jeep, a far cry from the sporty Porsche he drives in Toronto, and you call him out on it immediately. “I see how it is. You go home and you’re a fancy country boy, not a fancy city boy?”

He laughs. “Fuck off.”

“Gladly.” You tell him, grinning teasingly. “Drop me off at departures, will ya?”

His tone immediately turns serious. “Thank you. Seriously. Thanks for coming.”

Your smile remains on your face, still beaming over at him. “It was nothing, Mo.” It wasn’t, really, and you both know it. You’d quit your bar job a couple weeks early because of this, but you were happy to do this for him. He’d been down about Laura, down about being bounced from the playoffs again. This spring had been rough on him and you were more than happy to do your part to cheer up one of your closest friends.

Morgan hmms, in a way like he’s pretending to be casual about it, but he changes the subject as he switches lanes to pull onto the highway.

-----

Morgan has a whole itinerary for the next few days, prior to the wedding, but promises he’ll take you around to some of his favorite spots before you leave late next week. A quiet night tonight, dinner with his parents and brother tomorrow, and then the wedding stuff began the following day.

Much like his fancy Jeep, his fancy house in Vancouver is also nothing like the condo he owns in Toronto. You wouldn’t go so far as to say that his condo is...edgy, but it’s pretty modern? The house here in Vancouver is larger, sure, but reminds you a lot of the house you grew up in...or well, a larger and fancier version of it.

“Gonna give me a tour?” You turn to Morgan, who’s standing next to you almost awkwardly, as you look up at the beautiful house in front of you. Your bags are still in his hands, and you nudge his arm playfully, reaching for one, but he won’t let you grab it, smiling back at you as he starts to lead you in.

The inside is just as nice, and even though it’s clear that his mom and interior decorator have done a lot of work on it, there’s still a lot of Mo touches too. Each one makes you smile, the ones he points out in his tour and the ones that he doesn’t, until he finally leads you upstairs, dropping your things in one of the spare rooms. “Did I-“

“If the next words out of your mouth are say thank you, I’m walking out of this house.” You warn him.

“-ask what you want to do for dinner tonight?” Morgan finishes lamely and you laugh.

“That sushi place you always hype up?”

Morgan smiles. “Anything you want.” He says, and then, instead of the thank you that you know he wants to say, he pulls you in for a hug and squeezes tightly, before letting go. “Change and we’ll go?”

“Shower, change, and we’ll go.” You correct, dying to get the feel of airplane off you. “45 minutes.”

Morgan looks at you knowingly. “Sure, uh huh.” He says, nodding like he knows it’ll be much closer to an hour, an hour and fifteen, and you laugh, shoving at his shoulder before he makes you want to stretch it out to an hour and a half on purpose.

-----

Morgan’s parents might be the nicest people in the world, but they’re also a little...odd? Like, you’re not trying to be mean, because just like Morgan, they truly are the absolute sweetest, but, like, they just keep smiling at you with this knowing smile, like they know something that you don’t and it’s just...weird.

But they welcome you with open arms, when the two of you show up to dinner on your second night in town, hugging you just as tightly as they hug their own son, maybe even tighter than they hug the son who still lives in the same province as them. 

“We’re so excited to finally meet you!” Morgan’s mom gushes, once you get settled in their kitchen with a glass of wine, which at least explains the weirdness a little. “

“You guys too.” You admit. You’ve heard so much about them, his parents and brother, over the years of friendship with Morgan; it’s nice to finally put faces to names, to stories. “Thanks for having me tonight.” Next to you, Morgan nudges you, a grin on his face. You can practically hear him. Stop saying thank you, like you’ve been saying to him for the past day. 

“Oh stop!” She says, practically in time with his nudge. “Morgan tells us you’re a doctor now!” It’s said with pride, like you may as well be one of her own children who’s done something great.

“Yeah!” You smile, swirling the wine around a little, and then, because you don’t want there to be any confusion. “Not that kind of doctor; you should still call 911 if something happens.”

His dad laughs and his mom beams. “What kind of doctor then?” His dad asks, and you spend a while talking with his parents about epidemiology and your dissertation- his mom, it turns out, works in a similar field, and it isn’t long before the two of you are rolling your eyes about some research that just came out.

“What?” You ask Morgan, laughing, when your conversation breaks out, and she has to go check on dinner, at his dad’s request, before he burns it all entirely.

“I just forgot how excited you get about infectious diseases.”

“Can’t believe you’ve been out here this whole time knowing that your mom and I both exist and haven’t introduced us.” You announce. “The rudeness, the hearsay.”

“I don’t think that’s how that word’s used.” Morgan cackles.

“Oh, sorry, are you a doctor?”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with knowing how that word is used!” He protests, laughing.

You ignore him. “If you even think of keeping her from me when they come to Toronto…”

He wraps his arm around your shoulders and squeezes. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

-----

“Are you ready yet?” Morgan calls, and you take one last look in the mirror on the wall, smoothing the pleats in your dress. “We’re going to be late!”

“But it’s gonna be worth it!” You sing-song as you descend the stairs to meet him in the living room.

“Is it ev-” He cuts off abruptly, eyes wide and swallowing visibly as he cuts off. “Wow, okay then.”

“Worth it.” You wink at him, brushing past him to grab your purse. 

Morgan’s laughing as he picks up his keys, this soft and gentle thing that you can’t help but smile at. “Yeah, I should’ve known it would be.”

“You’ll know better for tomorrow!” You tease, and breeze past him to get in the car.

The ride to his cousin’s rehearsal dinner isn’t far, spent mostly laughing as you keep switching the station from anything Morgan changes it back to. By the time you arrive at the restaurant, you’re both giggling as you enter, flagged down almost immediately by Morgan’s mom.

“Look at you two!” She gushes.

“Mom.” Morgan says dryly. “Come on.”

She smiles at him indulgently. “Make sure you say hi to your cousin.” 

“Yeah, of course.” Morgan nods, grabbing your hand to pull you away. “Just after we hit the bar.” He mutters and you giggle.

His cousin, the bride, and her husband-to-be seem to have the same idea, and it’s just as you’re turning away, wine glasses in hand, that you nearly run into them.

“Oh!” Ashley beams excitedly, once Morgan introduces you. “Hi!”

“Congratulations!” You return the excitement. She’s so bubbly and bright; it’s easy to do, even though you don’t know her. “You guys look so great tonight; you’re going blow us all away tomorrow.”

“She’s going to blow me away tomorrow.” Dylan jokes, but you can tell by the twinkle in his eye that he’s entirely serious.

“Oh stop.” Ashley knocks his arm. “And you too,” She gestures at you. “You look amazing! How’d you do your hair like that?”

“This?” She nods and you walk her through it quickly; it’s a look that’s so much more simple than it looks and she’s gasping by the time you’re done. 

“Ok, mhmm.” She nods. “I’m getting your number from Morgan later so you can go over that with me again because I’m definitely going to forget.”

Morgan flicks a piece of your hair. “It’s a hairstyle, what could you possibly forget?”

You and Ashley exchange a look. “I got you.” You reassure her as you both laugh at him.

“Men, honestly.” She shakes her head, as Morgan and Dylan protest, but then before you and Ashley can talk any more, she and Dylan are being called away, and there’s promises for you all to catch up tomorrow at the wedding.

“You can’t have her phone number unless you promise not to talk about me.” Morgan says.

“Fat chance.” You tell him. “But nice try.”

From there, you start making your way back to his parents, stopping off to chat quickly with relatives he recognizes (and once, ducking purposefully into a small crowd to avoid an aunt he doesn’t want to see). You feel like it shouldn’t be surprising how nice his family is, given how genuine Morgan is, but each person you meet welcomes you so warmly, with kind words and open arms. 

“You must talk about me a lot.” You tease, as you two start making your way to your table.

Morgan shrugs. “More than I’d realized apparently.” You cackle and he laughs; it’s familiar and easy, but then you’re easily distracted by the appetizers coming to the table and fighting Morgan for extra of your favorites-also familiar and easy.

-----

It’s another morning of Morgan waiting impatiently for you, being rewarded with his gaping jaw dropped, and teasing him the entire ride to the wedding, before he easily gets his revenge when you tear up at the ceremony.

“You don’t even know these people!” He nudges you forward toward his cousin in the reception line right after the ceremony. “And you’re going to cry like that?”

“It was a beautiful ceremony!” You defend. You’d been right yesterday; Ashley had easily blown everyone away from the moment she’d entered the room. Their vows were incredible; you didn’t understand how anyone wasn’t crying.

Morgan snickers, nudging you forward again. “God, what do you do at weddings you actually know the people at?” He pauses as you both step closer another, like the idea has just come to him. “Oh man, what are going to do at your own wedding?”

“Bawl my eyes out, obviously.” You say dryly. “Tell my future husband to bring tissues.” You move up, next in line for Ashley and Dylan. “You clearly didn’t get the message.”

“What’d you do?” Ashley pokes him; you guess whoever was in front of you was a guest she didn’t know all that well because they’ve moved along pretty quickly.

“Me? I’d never.” Morgan says innocently, ducking down to kiss her cheek.

“I’m just giving him a hard time.” You agree and she grins, shocking you when she pulls you in for a hug. 

“He probably deserves it.” She says cheerfully.

“Wow, I see family loyalty goes a long way here, huh.” Morgan deadpans.

Ashley gives him a look. “Not for much longer, I guess, though?” She nudges him.

“Oh I see how it is, you’ve been married for all of five minutes and suddenly Dylan’s family is better than ours?” Morgan teases.

Ashley blinks. “That is...not how I meant that at all.” She says, but before she can say anything else to you, the couple behind the two of you starts sighing impatiently, and you all realize how long you’ve been talking for. You quickly congratulate her and then move along to Dylan as well, before stepping out of line and moving towards the reception area.

The bridal party was quick to get the reception started after the ceremony, so when you and Morgan make your way over, there’s already a decent sized group chatting and drinking. You both grab drinks from the bar and make your way to a group of his cousins, chatting for a while and laughing along as they’re sure to include you in all of their jokes.

When it comes time to start making your way to your table for dinner, you excuse yourself to the bathroom quickly, running into Morgan’s grandmother when you’re there, who had the same idea as you it seems.

She lights up when she sees you fixing your hair in the mirror, stepping up to wash her hands. “It looks great.” She assures you and you smile, thanking her. “Are you having a good time?”

You nod, following her out so the two of you can make your way back to the reception. “Such a good time! Everyone’s been amazing and Ashley and Dylan are beautiful; it’s been a great weekend!”

“It’ll be great to be all be here again,” Morgan’s grandmother smiles at you and you return it politely. “Next summer.” She adds, like an afterthought, and you shrug. She’d know better than you what the upcoming engagements look like. You can barely remember the names of the people you’re seated with tonight.

“If Morgan brings me back then.” You throw her a finger gun and she laughs-loudly.

“Oh, you’re a trip!” She nudges you gently, laughing. “Such a doll. Let’s get another glass of wine together before we go back, shall we?”

“I will never say no to that.” You’re pretty sure you still have a couple minutes to spare before you need to sit down. 

His grandmother links arms with you. “My kinda gal.” She beams and her smile is contagious, just like Morgan’s is when he’s really happy, so it’s not hard to grin along with her as she tugs you along for another glass of rosé.

-----

The evening’s winding down- the wedding long over and the after party beginning to do so as well. Almost all of the older relatives have made their way home or to their hotel rooms but there’s a few sloppy cousins and friends still going hard (you’ve got some serious concerns how the one groomsman is even going to make it upstairs). Ashley and Dylan keep stealing glances at each other, like they’re wondering if it’s late enough for them to sneak away yet, but each time they look like they’re going to, someone calls for another toast.

Morgan nudges you. “Hey.” He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a couple cigars. “Outside with me?”

You think about it for a second. Usually, you love a good cigar-and you’re sure that Morgan’s managed to acquire a good one- but tonight? “Not really in the mood, but I’ll come out.”

He grins, a little crooked, and offers his hand to help you up from the couch the two of you have been sitting on. Outside, the weather is beautiful, one of those crystal clear nights with a light breeze where you feel like you could be outside for hours. He lights the cigar while you continue to sip at your wine, the two of you standing in comfortable silence, until the door opens again.

“Cigars without me?” His brother grumbles. “I see how it is now.”

“Yup, just left you behind on purpose.” Morgan says shamelessly, but he’s already pulling the spare out of his pocket and handing it over.

“Unsurprising.”

“Yeah?” Morgan asks, amusedly. “Why’s that?” 

His brother gives him a look, and then, when Morgan doesn’t react, looks over at you, but you just shrug. “Just promise you won’t forget about me once you pop the question.”

You choke on your drink; Morgan looks just as shocked, the cigar halfway to his mouth. “What?” He says finally.

For the first time, his brother looks unsure. “I think...we all just thought...once you brought her home, that was the only thing holding you back?”

“Oh my god.” Morgan says breathlessly.

“I’m not-” You add helplessly. “We’re not-”

“Oh.” His brother winces. “Wait, so you’re not…” He trails off and the silence between the three of you becomes so thick it’s almost palpable. You don’t know what to do, what to say. What he even means. “You’re not together?” He says finally, sounding like he’d rather be anywhere else, doing anything else.

You can relate. You shake your head slowly, notice Morgan’s doing the same out of the corner of your eye.

“Um.” His brother continues. “And-and you haven’t been-together?” Another head shake. “Wow. A lot of people are going to be very disappointed.”

“A lot of people?” Morgan repeats. “Who...who all thinks this?” But you don’t need an answer to know and apparently, he doesn’t either. The silence thickens somehow; you didn’t think it was possible. 

“Um.” His brother’s already backing away, even as he speaks. “I’m gonna go now. Before I say anything else to make this worse.”

He’s gone before you can tell him you’re not sure that’s possible, leaving you and Morgan in the loudest silence you’ve ever experienced. 

It’s abundantly clear Morgan feels it too, from the way he won’t even meet your eyes, will barely even look at you, actually. And there’s so much to say here, but well, “You never brought Laura to meet your family? Never let them meet her at home?” Apparently, they really weren’t as serious as you’d thought.

Morgan laughs hollowly, finally meeting your eyes. “That probably should have been a clue, huh?”

“A little bit of a red flag.” You agree. It’d been how many years? Morgan’s tight with his family, that much you knew before you’d come out here and only became clearer as you met them. “Why...why didn’t you ever introduce them?”

Morgan sighs. “I think-I always knew something wasn’t right. And I just didn’t want to admit it?” He sighs again. “I shouldn’t have brought you into this.”

“You didn’t know.” You tell him gently. “And I wanted to come.” You remind him. “I was happy to!” You pause for a second. “I was happy to come across the country to a wedding with you and your family with barely a second thought. So maybe we both need to re-examine what happened here this weekend.”

“Maybe we don’t.” Morgan says simply.

“What?” You frown, confused.

“You were happy to fly across the country for a wedding with me and my family.” Morgan repeats, with a small smile on his face. “And then you come here and meet my entire family, and they think I’m ready to propose to you, because you're the girl they hear me talk about all the time.” Your jaw drops-is he saying...what you think he’s saying-and his smile grows into a grin. “I think this thing between us has been more than either of us have been able to admit because we’ve had other things going on- school or hockey or-”

“Other girlfriends?” You supply teasingly, when he trails off, like he’s afraid to mention her name.

He nods. “There’ve been other boyfriends, too.” He nudges you, just as teasing.

“There have.” You admit, because it’s not a lie, but none of them have ever worked out, for a variety of reasons, but you can’t help but think, that now that he’s mentioning it, Morgan might have been a part of those other reasons.

He’s back to smiling again when he continues, leaning against you slightly. “I think we owe it to ourselves to see what we could be.”

You lean back against him. “You do, do you?”

“I do.” He nods.

“Little early for that, don’t you think?” It takes a second for your joke to land, but once it does, he cracks up and it brings a smile to your face. 

“We are at a wedding.” He grins, nudging you playfully. “Who knows, maybe someday it’ll be ours?”

-----

a bit in the future

It’s one of those beautiful sunny days where the sun is shining with a light breeze where you feel like you could be outside for hours. 

Unfortunately, you’ve got a huge project due at the end of the week, so while Morgan’s been enjoying the lake all day, you’ve been sitting at a table on the dock, staring at your laptop, tapping away at your keyboard, and ignoring his increasingly annoying calls for attention.

It’s harder to ignore when he comes up next to you, wrapping his wet arms around your shoulders. “Morgan.” You try to shake him off. “Come on, gimme like ten minutes and then I’ll come in.”

“Promise?” He asks.

“Yes.” You say because if you can get this one last thing done you’ll be ahead of your goal for the day.

It works; Morgan sits down next to you quietly, scrolling through his phone for a bit, and then, jumps up and runs inside the cabin, and you jump on the opportunity of quiet to get ahead even further, losing yourself in your next bit of project.

“Hey,” Morgan says casually, and it scares you a bit, his return far quieter than he’s been all day. “What are you doing the weekend of July 8th?”

“I don’t know, that’s like a year away!.” You snap, turning to tell him to stop annoying you, only for your jaw to drop when you see him down on one knee.

“Want to get married then?” He says, a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face, like he’s been waiting for this reaction, like it was everything and more.

“Oh my god! Are you serious?” He slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out a ring; you gasp. “Morgan!”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, oh my god, yes!” Your computer long forgotten in the face of an engagement ring, you throw yourself at Morgan, who catches you easily, like he was prepared for this. He probably was. He knows you better than anyone; he’s your best friend and so much more. He barely manages to slip the ring on your finger before you’re kissing him. “I love you!”

“I love you, too.” He grins. “Are you sure you’re ready to take this jump with me?”

“Of course!” You beam, but it hits you just a minute too late. He’s already jumping in the water. “You’re the worst.” You sputter out at him, purposefully spitting lake water at his face. 

He doesn’t even look like he minds. “For better or worse.” He grins.

“That’s not what that’s referring to!” You splash him and he splashes back but before it can devolve into a full on splash attack, he’s pulling you into his arms.

“I mean it though.” He says, kissing you again. “And I’ll tell you again, next summer, at our wedding.”

Our wedding. The words sound almost unreal, too good to be true. “I’ll be the one in white.” You promise. “Or, well, maybe ivory.” You say and it’s hard to kiss Morgan then when he’s laughing so hard.

[fiddlepickdouglas]

Viva Las Vegas, Pt. 15 - Net Zero Change

Summary: Sunset Curve Alive AU, Willex, what’s the truth?, 2.9k

@trevor-wilson-covington​ is the bestie who makes these lovely edits, we stan supportive friends

WARNINGS: death mention, swearing

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14

Alex, Reggie, Flynn and Kyle all sat at a table inside the record store while Willie took care of closing procedures, currently sweeping up around them. Flynn sipped on her soda, eyeing everyone else with a mix of piqued interest and uncertainty.

“I can let you guys stay and talk for about another half hour, but then I’ve gotta kick you out,” Kyle told the three at the table.

“Thanks,” Alex said. “We really appreciate you being so understanding.”

“Not at all,” Kyle said casually. “And Willie’s in the clear, so long as he never pulls a stunt like that again.”

“Thanks for covering for me, man,” Willie said repentantly at Kyle’s rightfully miffed tone.

“I also covered the cost for that jacket, so you owe me for that.”

Alex looked at him, still unable to wrap what had just happened around his head. Climbing somewhere high and screaming felt like an ideal thing to do right then. He wasn’t angry - at least, he didn’t think so - but he still felt like a bottle of Coke that someone had just shaken and dropped a Mento into. His punching bag was already being worn down enough, but since he didn’t have his drums at home it had been a lifesaver recently.

There was Willie, right in front of him, like a miracle. He was so wonderfully unaware of everything, and there was no doubt he hadn’t forgotten Alex. It brought a strange sense of euphoria that battled everything else that had kept his mind dark for so long. He’d used to imagine running into Willie, even for a while after Caleb said he was gone, and thought he’d be the one to catch Willie off guard and rush toward him with joy. Mostly, he’d wanted to knock Willie off his board as slight payback for that one time, but also because it would’ve been satisfying to surprise him for once.

Kyle had gotten up from the table and joined Willie in closing up the store.

“So, you guys all know each other, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah!” Flynn exclaimed. “And I’d like to think that it’s all thanks to me,” she added smugly.

“How so?” Reggie asked in curiosity.

“I helped Willie get into Julie’s concert in Vegas,” she said. “And I’m the reason you two stuck around here.”

Alex looked at her in surprise. Without Flynn, he imagined going with Willie to the Stratosphere or anything else that night wouldn’t have happened. He owed her a serious favor; he wasn’t going to forget that.

“Are you sure you don’t have, like, magic powers or something?” Reggie asked.

Flynn only smiled and quietly sipped her soda again, keeping the mystique for herself.

As Willie disappeared into the kitchen to clean there, Alex looked at Reggie.

“So, do you have as many questions as I do?” he asked.

“Yeah, man,” Reggie said, peeking back toward the kitchen door. “I mean, does Caleb not know?”

“For someone out of the loop,” Flynn butted in. “What’s going on?”

Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat and took in a deep breath. “So you know how we got signed?”

Flynn nodded. “Uh huh. And congratulations, by the way.”

Alex merely shrugged in acknowledgement.

“Well, the guy who owns the label used to be Willie’s caretaker.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Reggie muttered. Alex suddenly felt a little guilty for missing that detail when talking with the guys.

“Yeah, sorry I forgot to mention it,” he apologized. “Anyway, the day that we signed on, Caleb personally told me that Willie had died in a fire.”

Flynn stared in disbelief.

“Wow,” she said. “That’s fishy.”

“No kidding,” Reggie commented. “But why would he do that? Caleb’s been nothing but good to us.”

“You guys should be careful. He was Willie’s guardian? If his story is that far off, I’d watch out.”

Peering over toward the kitchen, Alex couldn’t get a view of Willie at all. He was dying to hear his side of things.

“I guess we’ll have to see. Flynn, how are you getting home?”

“Oh, I was just gonna take the bus.”

“With your equipment?” he said, already worried. It was a lot for her to be lugging around, whether she could carry it alone or not. “Flynn, let us get you a taxi.”

She looked at him, and he expected her to protest and say she could handle herself. To his surprise, she simply huffed.

“You’re right. It’s getting late.”

“Yeah, and one of us could go with you to make sure you get home safe.”

“I’ll go,” Reggie volunteered. He glanced at Alex and it was clear he was giving him an opportunity.

“Thanks Reggie,” Flynn said. “You guys have gotta keep me updated with everything going on, though. I smell drama. A lot of it.” She finished the last few gulps of her soda and stood up to grab her gear.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, man,” Reggie murmured to Alex, patting him as he rose to help her out.

“See you.”

As he watched them make their way outside, Alex sighed.

“So, Vegas, huh?” Kyle said as he reentered the room, making him jump.

“Uh, yeah,” Alex replied warily. This guy seemed fairly nice, but he could never be too careful about how much he told strangers. He watched him dust the shelves, trying to relax in his seat.

“Willie doesn’t talk about it much, so I’m kinda surprised he had such a reaction tonight. I got the idea he hated the place.”

Puzzled, Alex didn’t respond immediately. He wondered what could’ve happened.

“Well, I’m sure he has his reasons. But when I met him we had a pretty good time.”

“Hmm,” was all that Kyle said as he looked into space thoughtfully before moving on to locking things up.

Alex realized then that he was the only customer left in the store and he’d simply let his friends leave him. His head was certainly not on straight. The time was nearly midnight, and the options of transportation and his experiences with them only dialed up his anxiety. Busses were just weird because everyone could watch him, taxis were expensive and he’d given most of his cash to Reggie, and the chances of having Bobby pick him up were very low.

“Hey,” Willie was standing over him, skateboard in hand. Alex looked up, startled once again, but the feeling of Willie’s hand on his shoulder softened it.

“Hey.”

“Where did Reggie go?”

“Oh,” Alex started. “He’s making sure Flynn gets home safe.”

Nodding, Willie glanced outside.

“What about you?”

Alex rose with a sigh.

“I’ll figure something out.”

They left the store and slowly walked to the corner. Willie still gripped his board as he gazed up at the red hand on the opposite side of the street.

“Do you...wanna walk with me to my place?” he asked Alex. “‘Cuz you look like you want to talk. Then we can find you a way home.”

Sticking his tongue in his cheek, Alex eyed him thoughtfully. It was almost like they hadn’t just spent four months apart - Willie could read him like a book.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Unfortunately, that made him stuff his hands deeper into the pockets of his jacket. He’d let himself take Willie’s hand before and have high hopes because he’d let himself ignore reality back then. Even when the guy who he admittedly still had a crush on was back from the dead, Alex didn’t want to tempt fate again. As they both crossed the street, he felt himself hunch inward just as he had earlier with Reggie.

“So, I’m guessing it’s a little weird to see me, since you thought I was a goner and everything,” Willie started nervously.

“Dead,” Alex said, looking at him seriously. “You were dead.”

Willie slowed his pace and sucked in a breath.

“Yeah.”

For a few yards they didn’t speak. Something ate at Alex’s insides, and he couldn’t put a finger on it. Change had always been his worst enemy, but this was a good change. Willie was alive, then he was dead, and now he was back. It should’ve been like net zero change, cancelled out like math. He should be fine about this, right? Why was he not fine?

“Alex, are you...are you mad?” Willie dared to ask.

He paused in his tracks, arms slacking against his sides. Looking over at Willie, then down at the sidewalk again, he nodded.

“Yeah, actually.” Immediately the eating feeling worsened. “I don’t know why that is, but you’re right. I am kinda mad.”

Willie furrowed his brow, but remained quiet for a minute as they continued walking.

“Are you mad at me?” he wondered aloud, finally.

“Maybe?” Alex said, feeling the temperature in his veins rise the more he went on. “That sounds silly, I know, because it wasn’t you who lied to me and put me through absolute agony for weeks on end. You were just the person I thought was dead and so every time I thought about you, it hurt. I don’t even know why it hurt so much. It’s not supposed to hurt when you’re still practically a stranger to me. All I know is that we kind of liked each other and then I thought I’d never find out anything else. I mean, we only knew each other for one day. One fucking day. That was it!”

Alex saw Wilie flinch at the unexpected use of language. A little too late, he realized he should’ve been more gentle. While it was true that he needed to finally release more than just self-pity, it wasn’t worth making Willie miserable for it.

“Wow,” Willie murmured. It already sounded more wounded than Alex could bear.

“That was harsh; I shouldn’t have blown up like that.”

He looked over at Willie to be sure he hadn’t done too much damage already.

“I can’t imagine how awful that was,” Willie said simply.

The pressure that had heated up his veins rapidly began to cool down as Alex realized he was handling this all wrong. He’d momentarily lost control and already saw its potential for harm.

“It’s not you I’m mad at. It’s Caleb.”

“That makes two of us,” Willie told him. “You want to know what really happened?”

“I want to know everything.”

They continued walking along as Willie seemed to try summing up the past few months properly in his mind.

“I don’t know exactly where to start,” he said.

“Well, why don’t you start where we left off?” Alex suggested. It was only fitting that one of them was walking the other home, just like they’d been doing the last time they’d seen each other. There was a funny sense of poetry to it.

“Okay,” Willie began. “I guess what really started it was when we were up on the Stratosphere, remember?”

“Uh huh.”

“I told you that I have amnesia because I had a memory come back.”

“Right, about your dad.”

“You remember this really well,” Willie commented. Alex bowed his head, feeling his lip curl the tiniest bit. “Anyway, I started drawing the things I remembered. And I mean, I drew every detail I could. Even though back then it was just the one about my dad and then the first time that I ran away from Caleb - ”

“Wait, what?” Alex blurted.

Willie cocked his head to the side as he tried to keep the narrative easy to follow.

“Oh yeah that was weird, I had this dream where everything was backwards and it happened like every night and it took me forever to figure out that it was a memory. Anyway, the reason I have amnesia right now? I was trying to run from Caleb because he was a total a-hole and then I got hit in the head!”

Alex looked at his casual expression with mild horror.

“That’s a lot to process,” he said slowly.

“Yeah, I guess he was putting on a face after that, because he didn’t really get nasty until right before I left him for good.”

By the time Willie finished dishing everything to Alex, they had been standing by his front door for a solid ten minutes. Alex could only stand there and let everything turn over in his mind like a taffy pull. Moreover, a pit of dread was forming in his stomach at the same time as a spark of joy grew in his chest.

“So...Harrison Ford?” he said.

Willie smiled. “Much cooler than Han Solo.”

“I still can’t believe you were literally planning to skate your way here. Even I would’ve ruled that out after a minute.”

Lifting a hand defensively, Willie opened his mouth but couldn’t find words.

“I - I will never live that down,” he chuckled.

Alex chuckled in turn. “No.”

For a moment he just looked at Willie. It was the first time that night where his vision wasn’t clouded with questions or overwrought with mixed emotions. This time, it was just as he’d seen him that first moment when they’d sat across from each other at the diner. That was ages ago, but it didn’t seem to have dimmed or faded one bit in Alex’s memory. Here, he was just Willie. It was so nice to see that again.

“What made you come to LA?” he asked. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. 

“You did.” Willie looked right into his eyes as he said it.

The words were plain and honest. Something swelled in Alex’s chest as he heard them. If anyone else had said that - the guys, Julie, even his sister Abby - he would’ve doubted it a little. That was the awful thing with his anxiety is that it immediately twisted everyone’s words into betrayal. Not Willie’s, though.

“Why me?”

Willie got thoughtful, eyes unfocused for a moment.

“I don’t know. I’d do anything for you,” he said, gazing back up at Alex again.

Alex shifted his weight.

“Because I helped you start regaining memories, right?”

It made sense that if he’d been in that position, the person who’d been with him in those moments would mean a great deal to him, too.

“No,” Willie said. “Just ‘cuz. I still like you.”

Alex blinked and his mind emptied of all thought - a feat he’d never imagined occurring. Soon he found himself caught looking into those brown eyes, and instead of wanting to throw in a line, he wished he could plant himself there and spread roots. If it were up to him, he had no desire to go back home and he would just stay happy where he was.

It took a while to realize that he’d slowly begun to lean forward, lips parted as he gazed down at Willie’s mouth. Their noses were just barely not touching, and they hung in the balance waiting for the other to cross that threshold. Willie looked vaguely hypnotized, if not a little indecisive. His thoughts finally caught up to his actions, and once Alex saw what he was doing he turned away.

Dammit, how could you mess that up, Alex? he berated himself. He was already so out of focus and not thinking about the consequences of his actions; he couldn’t go around treating Willie like something else to dump his turmoil upon. Clearing his throat, he straightened his posture. Willie nervously ran a hand through his hair, visibly confused.

“So....” Alex began awkwardly. “You have your own place?”

Willie nodded, not looking him in the eyes anymore.

“Yeah, it’s kinda nice,” he said plainly. “You’ll have to check it out one of these days. You could see Sheldon, too.”

“Yes,” Alex said quickly. “Yes, I would totally be down to come see you and Sheldon. That would be great.”

He hated that the natural cadence in his voice was so sarcastic sometimes. Right now, it didn’t sound genuine at all and he desperately wanted to convey how much he meant every word.

“Bet you’re sort of busy with the band and school and all, though,” Willie said, clearly a little despondent. Alex really wanted to go back and fix the moment they’d had before. He wasn’t making it any better.

“Well, I’m free all next Saturday. You’re not working, are you?”

“I can arrange things with Kyle to get covered. I’m usually on his good side and he doesn’t stay mad for long, so I’m not worried.”

“That’s good.” A pause. “So it’s okay if I come on Saturday?”

“Sure, sure,” Willie rushed to say. “I’m totally down for that. Uh...I just remembered that we’ve gotta get you back home. Did you know how you were gonna do that?”

“Uh yeah, I was gonna just catch the bus,” Alex said, entirely impromptu. After embarrassing himself so badly with Willie, he could override any fears about using public transportation. All he wanted to do was lift his hood over his head and pull the strings so it closed over his face.

“Got it,” Willie replied.

“But I’ll be excited to see you next Saturday,” Alex added. He saw Willie’s eyes light up a little and it made him smile in relief as he began stepping away from Willie’s door. Biting his lip in his usual cute manner, Willie nodded at him.

“See you then.”

Alex exhaled in excitement as he made his way up the steps to the street, barely able to take his eyes off Willie. Only when he couldn’t see him anymore did he force himself to turn away.

[giuliafc]

Betrayal Chapter 14: A Sorrowful Conversation

<< 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- 4 -- 5 -- 6 -- 7 -- 8 -- 9 -- 10 -- 11 -- 12 -- 13 -- 14: Ao3 || FFN -- 15 >>

Written by: JuliaFC

Beta: Agrestebug and Myimaginationflows

Summary: Gabriel explains what happened to Emilie (997 words)

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by (c) Thomas Astruc, TS1 Bouygues, Disney Channel, Zagtoon, Toei Animation. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Written for the "Snippet July" challenge of the Miraculous Fanworks Discord server @miraculousfanworks AND for LadyNoir July @ladynoirjuly Day 25 — Immortality/de-transformation. Let me know what you think!

oOoOoOoOoOo

Volpina smirked and checked her spy bug once more before entering the lift to Gabriel's office. None of the heroes, or Su-Han, seemed to notice the fox anti-heroine. However, unseen by her, Gabriel watched as she disappeared from view.

When Gabriel again paid attention to the heroes, he noticed that Su-Han had approached Emilie's coffin and Ladybug was filling him in.

"We're not sure what happened to her. She overused the Peacock Miraculous while it was broken. Is there anything you can do, Master Su-Han?"

"A broken Miraculous?" said the bald monk, scratching his head. "I don't know if there's a way to save her. It's never happened before." He placed his hands on Emilie's forehead and closed his eyes, starting to chant in a low voice. "She seems to be in an enchanted sleep. How many times did she use the Peacock?"

"One too many," said Gabriel, causing all eyes to turn towards him. "We were desperate to keep you, Adrien."

Su-Han looked around suspiciously. "We shouldn't say the names of the heroes, in case their identity could be in danger."

"It won't," said Gabriel with a sigh. "The intruder you sensed left."

"How do you know that?" asked Ladybug, her earrings beeping out a warning.

"I have eyes, Ladybug, and nothing else to do. Volpina was here; she left moments ago by using the lift to my atelier. I've kept an eye on it since then, but she hasn't come back."

Chat Noir walked to his father and crouched down to look him in the eye. "What do you mean you wanted to keep me, Father?"

Gabriel sighed, but when his gaze met Chat Noir's, a decisive frown furrowed his eyebrows. "Félix isn't your cousin, Adrien. He's your twin brother." His gaze seemed to get lost in his memories, and his expression softened when Chat Noir widened his eyes and gasped. "Emilie couldn't have children, but she always wanted one. We had gotten to the point of thinking of adoption, but Amelie found out to be pregnant with twins. Emilie was happy for her sister, but her sadness slowly deepened and I became really worried for her. Until the night that Adam nearly died in a car accident."

"Uncle Adam? But he only died recently!" interrupted Chat Noir, gaining himself a glare. "Sorry…"

"Amélie was devastated. She started falling deeper into depression. More time passed and Adam wasn't getting out of the coma he had fallen into. So Emilie started researching things that could have helped. We spent months travelling around the world looking for something that could help him. That's how I learned about the Prodigious in Shanghai, and eventually, I found the Grimoire, and the two Miraculous jewels. When Duusu told Emilie about the power of the Miraculous, she went to Amélie and told her that she had a way to give her back Adam, to make him immortal, but in exchange, she wanted one of her twins. Amélie accepted."

"I don't understand. The Peacock doesn't grant immortality." Su-Han furrowed his brows.

"True, it doesn't," admitted Gabriel, "but Emilie's plan was to create a sentimonster that looked like Adam and give him his amokatised object—"

"If the Miraculous was broken, the Sentimonsters wouldn't last long, even if created by an adult," conveyed Su-Han.

Gabriel nodded. "Yes. That's what caused Emilie's illness. In order to keep her promise to Amélie and keep SentiAdam alive, she had to keep creating sentimonsters to replace the ones that malfunctioned and disappeared." He looked down. "She didn't mind doing that though, because Amélie had given consent for Adrien's adoption. But little did we know that by pursuing this path and making her sister happy, she would've ended up sick. And eventually on a deathbed."

Su-Han scratched his head. "How many sentimonsters had she created with the broken Miraculous?" he inquired.

"About five per year for fourteen years," said Gabriel and Su-Han sucked his breath in.

"What about this other lady? How many did she create before the jewel was repaired?"

Gabriel was quiet for a moment. "I think seven, possibly eight. I can't remember precisely, but one of them took a lot of her energy because it was a replica of Ladybug."

"I see," muttered Su-Han. Then, he turned to Ladybug. "Your earrings have already beeped a couple of times. If you want to repair any damage…" His gaze darted significantly towards Nathalie. "...you better use the Miraculous Cure now."

Ladybug nodded and threw her lucky charm in the air, releasing the flock of ladybugs. She was relieved to see that a good group of magical insects blobbed around Nathalie. By the time the magic had finished its job, the older woman was opening her eyes and looking around, almost in a daze.

"Good," muttered Gabriel, his gaze softening as he looked at his assistant. But before he could say anything, or do anything, Ladybug's earrings beeped louder.

"I have only a minute left. I need to detransform and feed my kwami." She moved fast, looking for a place to hide, and had literally just moved out of sight when her transformation fell.

Chat Noir reached Marinette as she grabbed a macaron from her purse to feed Tikki.

"I'm so sorry for your mother, Adrien," said the red kwami in between chewing. Chat Noir looked down, his hand reaching for his nape. "I understand why Gabriel wanted to get our Miraculous to save her, but making the Wish, although for a heartfelt reason, is never the solution."

Chat Noir looked down. "I know, Tikki." He glanced at the coffin and sighed. "I just wish that there was a way."

Tikki patted her paws on his hair, trying to show him her support. "I'm sorry, but there's nothing that can be done. The Miraculous cure can't work on your mother any more. She will never come back."

From his position leaning at the far side of the coffin, Gabriel buried his head into his knees and muffled a sob.

To be Continued… day 26

-------------------------

Author's Note

Okay so… this is my contribution to the sentimonster theory. It still explains why Emilie fell sick, it still explains why Adrien and Félix look the same. Of course I don't know if it's right, but for the purpose of this fic, it will do ^-^

I hope you liked it and will leave me a comment to let me know what you thought of my idea :)

Until tomorrow, bug out!

[nooneactuallyasked]

Diner Gal - Reggie x Reader Part 12

Requested: Nope

Word count: 2,661

Warnings: Not that I know of.

Summary: Julie and the Phantoms ( + Flynn ) go to a musical diner/café/restaurant for inspiration and hopefully a future gig but they end up meeting a very special waitress.

Note: So writer's block on the last chapter/part of your story sucks a whole bunch but we finally did it! I finally finished this – we don’t need to talk about how many months it’s been, sh! THIS IS THE FINAL PART!!!

A few songs in this chapter – I’d recommend listening to them as you read:

Jump in the Line/ Dead Mom Reprise – Beetlejuice the Musical

Obvious – Dear Evan Hansen

ENJOY!

---

Part 1 here   Part 2 here   Part 3 here   Part 4 here   Part 5 here   

Part 6 here   Part 6.5 here   Part 7 here   Part 8 here   Part 9 here   

Part 10 here   Part 11 here

---

After a few hours of frantically drawing and writing up the final setlist, plans, room arrangements and digging through Cal’s office to find the list of reserved tables, Y/N was finally ready to call her job done. And now to jump right back into ghostly matters, which started with finding Julie and Willie and hoping they had some sort of plan figured out.

“Hey hey, look who’s finally back from the other side!” Flynn’s exclamation was met with winces from the boys and a wry smile from Y/N, “It sure was an adventure, Cal really should organise that office. How’s decorating going?” Flynn sighed in response, “It would be a lot better if some people actually helped out instead of talking to thin air.” She sent a mock glare to Julie who sent an eye roll straight back, “Kinda dealing with bigger and more important things right now, but sure I’ll blow up a balloon right after.”

“So, how has the whole possession thing been going? Any solid way to get Cal back?” Y/N asked, anxiety crawling up the sides of her stomach. Willie looked around at the group, all of whom were fidgeting and avoiding his gaze, sighing he turned back to her, “There is a way, but there’s no guarantee it will work.” Y/N nodded, gesturing for him to continue, “You have to establish a connection first then everything after that is up to Cal and his willpower. This situation is a little different to the one these guys got themselves into, and I’ve also never seen this before so this is the best I can come up with.”

She scrunched up her brow, how on earth did you make a connection with a possessed person? And so she asked exactly that, “Do something that means something to both of you; you’re in the music business, are there any songs that you two would sing together? Something like that. Apart from making the connection, there’s not much else you can do. I’m sorry.” Willie responded, Alex rubbed his arm comfortingly, “This isn’t your fault, it’s no one's fault but Calebs.” Y/N nodded in agreement, “Exactly, you’ve been so incredibly helpful, you all have,” She looked around the group, yes that includes Flynn, and smiled, “Thanks a bunch, you guys.” Her smile quickly transformed into a smug grin, “Luckily, I know exactly which song to use.”

---

A few hours passed and Le Paradis du Chanteur was ready to go, all of the evening’s acts were either out front or preparing in the back. She had seen Julie and the guys a few times in her rushed panic to get a song ready and change the setlist last minute, everything was completely ready and fine, of course, but it didn’t stop Y/N from worrying.

All that was left was to let the guests in, find Cal and make sure the first act was ready (not in that order). She huffed as she hunted down the first act, she supposed they weren’t actually that bad – in fact she could tolerate their outfits somewhat and their music was good. The members were a little annoying but good at what they did so who was she to judge.

Their clothing was easy to spot – they do look like a pack of highlighters (as their nickname would suggest) so it took Y/N no longer than 3 minutes to find them and less than 5 to check in and see that they were practically ready to go on the spot.

Now to find Cal, a challenge she was ready to face head-on, probably. It took Y/N quite a bit longer to find him but, after asking around and getting her co-worker to point her in the right direction, she found him sitting in the kitchen, blank as ever. Y/N sighed and pulled him into the main area, hoping he would at least interact with the guests if they spoke to him.

She hoped that this evening wouldn’t turn into a disaster but who knew at this point – she walked to the entrance and put on her best smile, and went to let everyone in.

 ---

 A couple of acts had already gone and she was up next on the newly improved setlist – here goes the performance of a lifetime.

Y/N breathed out, stepping towards the mic, “Hello, everyone! I hope you’re enjoying your evening so far, we have only a few acts left to go! Before we continue, I’d just like to sing a little something in honour of our amazing manager, Cal!” A series of applause and a few whistles followed her words, Y/N relaxed, if anything went wrong at least she could say she tried. “As I’m sure some of our regulars know, Cal has always been one to enjoy a good musical, you’d hope so with this line of work.” Another ripple of laughter and a few cheers, a grin spread across her face. “When I first joined this diner as a performer, I auditioned with the song I’m about to sing for you now, I like to think of it as our song. Not to mention the fact that for at least 2 weeks after I got the job I couldn’t stop singing it, I think every one of the staff here tonight, and those who aren’t, know the song word for word now, sorry about that. So, with no further ado, I give you my audition song.” Taking the mic out of its stand, Y/N stepped back, spotting Cal sitting in the back corner, face empty of anything, as the backing music started up.

 Shake, shake, shake, Senora

Shake your body line

Shake, shake, shake, Senora

Shake it all the time

 Y/N hopped off of the stage and skipped around tables, whenever she passed a staff member she dance with them for a second, before they would both move on, quickly forming a line.

 Work, work, work, Senora

Work your body line

Work, work, work, Senora

Work it all the time

 The line quickly made its way back to the stage, everyone now singing to each other and dancing together. Y/N closed her eyes and quickly prayed that this was working. She skipped around the line, pointing at different staff members to sing the solo lines.

 My girl's name is Senora

I tell you, friends, I adore her

And when she dances, oh brother

She’s a hurricane in all kinds of weather

 She laughed as she went back to her place in the line, smiling at her co-workers beside her.

 Jump in the line, rock your body in time

(Okay, I believe you)

Jump in the line, rock your body in time

(Okay, I believe you)

 The line jumped slightly to the left every time they sang that line and then danced with the people around them, some workers went to tables and started dancing and singing with the talent scouts or any families or regulars that had booked a place that evening.

 Shake, shake, shake, Senora

(Ahh)

Work, work, work, Senora

(Ahh- Woo!)

 Y/N grabbed Sam’s hand and led them to the middle of the floor as she sang, turning to face them, trying to contain her giggles, as they did a mock opera performance.

 Cal, I know you’re listenin'

Doesn’t this just blow your mind?

I was on a mission

This is what I left behind

 She made her way over to Cal, hoping to see something behind his eyes. Y/N pulled him up by his hand and danced him over to the line of performers at the front.

 I'll miss you every day

Seek a little strange and unusual

And you will find

 The line, still acting as her incredibly enthusiastic backing vocals, started spreading out, a few stayed on the stage while others jumped off to dance and sing with the guests. Sam came over to Y/N and Cal and brought into a weird little circle dance as Noelle and Casey cackled from a nearby table.

 Life beyond all comprehension

A mess in multiple dimensions

A little unconventional, I know

 Y/N’s eyes widened in worry as Cal groaned in pain in front of her. She waved Casey over who quickly grabbed him and sat him down on a nearby, empty chair.

 But, Cal, I am home

I'm home

I'm home

 As soon as she had finished singing, Y/N rushed over to Cal. “You okay?” He grunted in return, “Been better, but then again I could probably be a lot worse.” Her breath hitched as he squeezed his eyes tight and groaned again. His breathing quickened slightly before he let out a big breath and a purple light appeared on his neck. Y/N pulled his collar down to get a better look at it but as quickly as it came it faded away again. “You doing good, Callerina?” He rolled his eyes, “I will be when you stop with those nicknames…and when Sam stops dancing like that.”

She laughed, tears pricking at her eyes, as Cal snorted at Sam’s ridiculous dancing, they were completely embarrassing Noelle as they forced her to waltz around the room. “I thought they said they were a professional dancer when I hired them. Oh well.” He turned to face Y/N, the twinkle back in his eyes, “I thought my return would be more dramatic, I’ll be honest. But this is alright too.” Y/N rubbed at her eyes as she scoffed at him, “Of course, only you would say this wasn’t dramatic enough.” Cal shrugged, “Well when you reach old age, like me, you’ll learn that even bending down takes a lot of effort, might as well make it worth the trouble.” Y/N rolled her eyes, “Cal, you’re 31. You’re not that old.” He sniffed in response, “I watched you grow into the ghostbuster that you’ve become, didn’t I? I think that’s old enough.” She scoffed, though a fond smile played on the edges of her lips, “Well, since you ruined our nice moment I might as well get back to orders and making sure all of our acts are okay.” Cal’s eyes widened at that, “I forgot, I’m so sorry you had to do that all alone, I’ll let you steal anything you want from the diner kitchen after this as a sorry and thank you gift.” She grinned, “As if I wasn’t gonna do that already.”

Y/N walked away, giggling to herself as she heard Cal squawk in indignation behind her. This was totally worth it, she had her family back and a new family as well.

 ---

 It was now the end of the night, lots of people were ordering the last things to eat or drink or finishing up what they already had before they left. All performers were out on the floor, taking orders, entertaining young children or talking to talent scouts if they had the time. It was the noisiest it had been all evening, even with all the bands and music, performance and dancing that had occurred.

Julie awkwardly stood on stage, fiddling with the mic stand. “Excuse me? Hi. Um, so I know this is kinda weird and short notice but one of our band members has a message for a special someone so we hope you enjoy.” She steps back from the mic and moves over to the keyboard towards the front corner of the performance area, Reggie practically vibrated behind the mic whilst the other two musketeers glared at him to chill out before he caused the mic to screech.

The audience had quietened down and now sat in expectant silence, Y/N continued serving, though the short notice act did seem to capture most of her attention (albeit confused stares but her attention nonetheless). Reggie took a few deep breaths, readying himself to poof and basically confess his newfound feelings to a living girl who captured his undead heart, wanting what you can’t have really had been taken to that level, huh.

Julie’s fingers danced across the keyboard as Reggie poofed in and strummed along on the acoustic guitar Julie had pried from Luke’s cold, dead hands, he had wanted to keep the song simple, strip it down to its purest form, mirroring his feelings. That and the fact that he had done this last minute and dragged everyone around him into it, so showing off and using flashy techniques was something they just didn’t have the time to add in.

 When we know something is true

Beyond question or doubt

There's no particular point

In pointing it out

 Reggie strums his guitar, looking solely at either the guitar or the mic, trying to gather up his courage. He wrote this song for Y/N, why couldn’t he just look at her?

 Blue is the colour of sky

'Cause mothers all worry

And old people die

A phone rings, a bee stings

It's something you don't need to hear

It's just clear

 He looked back at Julie, finding her smiling at him encouragingly. He smiled back at her in return. He could do this!

 Why go stating the obvious?

It's so painfully obvious

How could you miss

Something that's this plain to see?

When it's glaring and staring

Right at you

So obviously

 He looked up to meet Y/N’s eyes, she had stopped moving around after handing out her last order, instead, she stood staring at him, completely awestruck. He almost chuckled, how could she stare at him like he hung the stars when she was brighter than the sun?

 When you get bored you draw stars

On the cuffs of your jeans

You still fill out the quizzes you find

In those teen magazines

And you dance like nobody's there

Awkward and perfect

You don't even care

Something courageous, amazing, contagious

And kind

All combined

 Y/N huffed out breathy laughs as she stared at him, the stupid, leather-covered, ghost boy. She knew she hadn’t fallen in love – she hadn’t fallen anywhere, she had walked into her feelings, completely aware and content. He made it easy, Y/N hoped she made it easy too.

 Why go stating the obvious?

It's so painfully obvious

How could you miss

Something that's this plain to see?

When it's glaring and staring

Right at you

So obviously

 Sam grabbed her by the hand and pulled her towards the stage until she was right in front of it – right in front of him, “Have fun with your Romeo, don’t forget about us when you’re off on dates.” They cackled as they ran away, narrowly avoiding Y/N’s punches.

 Sometimes the words

We tend to withhold

But they're exactly the words

Someone needs to be told

But oh, thinking they know

We never say "I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you"

 Y/N smiled up at him as he beckoned her onto the stage. She never thought when she took up this part of the job that she’d end up meeting a bunch of ghosts and their human companion + friend, have her manager be possessed and garner feelings for the golden retriever incarnate.

 'Cause why go

Stating the obvious

It's so painfully obvious

How could you miss

Something that's this plain to see?

When it's glaring, and staring right at you

So obviously

 As the song quieted down, Julie shared looks with Alex and Luke pretended like he wasn’t tearing up at the sight of the pair on stage. Sam and Noelle smiled at each other and Casey rolled her eyes, she truly was surrounded by idiots that she had somehow adopted, not that she regretted it necessarily but she would never admit it.

“Hey, Y/N,” Reggie stepped away from the mic, “I’m not in love with you or anything, but I think I could be if you’d be okay with that?” The girl in question chuckled, “I think I could love you too, eventually. But how about we get to know each other for longer than a week first, sound good?”

“Sounds perfect, Diner Gal.”

---

Taglist:

@dotishyperfixating​   @daddydraco0   @morganayenneferburnham​

@dxestars   @dcnerd98   @ultraworthlessbitch

@revolutionary-werewolf-ghosts   @underc0vercryptid

@underc0vercryptid-reads   @miisacore​

@cas-loves-pizza   @slytherhoes​

[deanstop13billyjoeltraxx]

Superposition

a deancas college roommate AU 

Chapter 10 is up on AO3! Chapter-by-chapter masterlist here. 

Wanting is Enough

“You goin’ home for Christmas?” Dean asked.

They were walking back to the dorm after dinner. It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, a holiday for which neither Cas nor Dean had bothered to travel home.

“No,” Cas said. “I don’t believe I’m welcome at my father’s house anymore.”

Dean glanced sideways at him as they entered the stairwell. “Why? ‘Cause you’re gay?’ He asked.

Cas shrugged. “If he knows now, from Bartholomew or Hannah, then that certainly doesn’t help my case.” He sighed. “No, when he found out I was attending college and not entering ministry, he told me I shouldn’t come home again.”

Dean held the exit door open as Cas walked onto their floor. “When did that happen?” He asked.

“I kept the entirety of my college application process a secret. Only Anna knew,” Cas said. “She’s the only other sane person in my family. I made the mistake of informing the rest of them about it at dinner sometime in July.” He gave Dean a wry smile as they entered their room. “None of them were particularly thrilled.”

“You told them about the full ride and everything?”

“Yes.”

“And your old man still kicked you out?”

“The same night.”

Dean snorted. “Dumbass.”

A smile tugged at Cas’s lips. “You could say that.”

“Where’d you go after that?” Dean asked.

“Well, Anna was already living alone, down in Norman. She was at the University of Oklahoma,” he added by way of explanation. “I just stayed with her until August.”

Dean nodded. “She sounds cool. What’s she doing now?”

Cas broke into a grin. “She lives in North Carolina, now. She’s a therapist.”

Dean smirked at him. “So your ass is constantly getting psychoanalyzed?”

“I suppose.”

Dean slumped into the beanbag with a sigh. Cas remained at the door, leaning his weight against it.

“What about you?” He asked after a beat. “Are you returning home for Christmas?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, smiling. “Well, it’s kinda complicated. I am going home, like, my actual home. Lawrence. We spend Christmas with some family friends.” Dean paused, looking thoughtful. “They’re really more family than friends. Bobby and Ellen and Ellen’s kid Jo. Bobby and Ellen were both friends with my dad.”

“Will your father and brother be there?”

Dean’s look darkened, if only slightly. “Dad’s not coming. The whole thing started ‘cause he got tired of trying to pretend to like the holidays after Mom died. Decided to pawn us off on his old friends. But yeah, Sammy’ll be there.”

Cas gave him a nod and pushed off from the door. While he was disappointed that Dean would be gone for winter break, he was relieved, too. That was three weeks sans-Dean, more than enough time for Cas to work through his little crush. The solitude would be good, he told himself. Cas figured he could fast-track the five stages of grief, and by the time Dean returned, Cas would be the best friend he deserved. Cas sighed to himself as he rifled through his closet for a towel and a change of clothes. He was grabbing bottles of shampoo and body wash when Dean cleared his throat.

“You know,” he said slowly, like the words were difficult to force out, “You could… I mean, I’m sure everyone wouldn’t mind if you came to Christmas.”

Cas whirled around to face Dean, who was picking at a loose thread on the beanbag.

“What?” He asked, a little too loudly.

“Since you’re not goin’ home,” Dean said. “You know, it sucks to spend Christmas alone. ‘Specially in this dump,” he added, gesturing generally to the small room.

“Are you inviting me to spend Christmas in Lawrence? With you?”

Dean gave a short laugh. “I guess it is kinda dumb. Yeah, nevermind.”

“No, I’d like that,” Cas rushed out. He blinked at his own words. He was supposed to be avoiding Dean as often as possible, not spending three uninterrupted weeks in his hometown.  “It sounds nice,” Cas added weakly, despite the fact that it definitely did not. 

Dean looked up at him. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Dean broke into the biggest grin Cas had ever seen. “Dude, it’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait for everyone to meet you.” Dean stood up with and pulled Cas in for a hug, clapping him on the back twice. Cas winced, letting out a feeble chuckle as he returned the hug reluctantly. He was trying not to notice the warmth of Dean pressed against him, or the absence of it when they parted. 

  “Are you pissed at me?” 

It was the Wednesday before finals started. They were quietly eating dinner when Dean threw the question at Cas, who coughed into his water. 

“What?” He sputtered. 

Dean rubbed the back of his head. “I dunno, man, I just feel like I never see you anymore.” 

Guilt crashed into Cas like a freight train. He had been absent, more absent even than before Thanksgiving. Part of it was out of necessity — finals were fast approaching, and he was intent upon an all-A’s first semester. But the hours at the library were stacked on top of the hours he spent in class and the hours he spent simply staying away from his room. 

“I apologize,” Cas said, and he couldn’t keep the earnestness from his voice. “I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I have two final papers, three exams, and two final projects coming up before the break.” 

“No, man, I get it,” Dean said with a shrug. “You’re busy. Sorry, that was kinda uncalled for. All in my head, you know.” 

Cas wanted to tell him that it was completely called for, that what Dean was feeling was valid, that he was being selfish and rude and a whole number of terrible things for avoiding Dean. But he couldn’t, because that would mean promptly declaring soul-destroying love for his best friend, right there in the middle of the dining hall. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he mumbled. 

Cas had thought that it was getting easier, being around Dean. He’d basked in the feeling of being not just someone’s best friend, but Dean’s best friend, after Halloween, and that was enough. And while he was still avoiding spending long hours in their room, he felt like he was well on his way to making peace with the unrequited. 

But then, they’d gotten drunk on the night of Thanksgiving. Cas didn’t remember much besides waking up in a tangled heap with Dean on the floor of their room. He’d been successful in extricating himself from the strange embrace before Dean regained consciousness, and thank god for that. But the situation lived rent-free in Cas’s mind. It made things considerably more difficult. 

And then there was the prospect of travelling to Lawrence to spend Christmas with Dean and his family. Cas really hadn’t wanted to spend the holiday alone, and was, on the one hand, thankful for the invitation. On the other, his anxiety was mounting. That trip meant there was absolutely no avoiding Dean for at least three weeks; not to mention the fact that he was meeting the group of people most important to Dean. 

So if Cas was making extra efforts to put space between himself and his roommate, it was not unwarranted. 

They finished eating and made their way back to the dorms. Dean was complaining about his own finals, and while Cas tried his hardest to remain engaged, his heart wasn’t in it. He was angry at himself. Even when he felt like he was succeeding, he was failing. 

“Cas,” Dean said. Cas had just let them into the room, but Dean was standing resolutely in the hallway. 

“Yes?” Cas responded. 

“Are you… I know I already asked, but man, something’s off,” Dean rushed out. “Is — Is this about Christmas? ‘Cause —”

Cas interrupted him. “No, Dean. I’m excited to spend Christmas with you and your family.” 

Dean smiled weakly, but it was brief. “I just — you’re never around, man,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. “I feel like I fucked something up somehow.” 

Cas knew Dean well enough by now to know there were things he was trying to say without saying them. His heart broke to know that I miss you was likely one of them. 

“I promise, you’ve done nothing wrong,” Cas said. “I’m just concerned about my finals.” Lie. 

Dean looked at him with skepticism. “Okay,” he said finally. 

Another twinge of guilt soared through him, but he didn’t say anything more, just gathered his things for a shower. Dean still hadn’t come into the room when Cas pushed past him and made his way to the bathroom. 

When he returned, Dean was gone, but Cas saw a notification on his phone. 

DW (7:32 pm)

went out back later

Cas narrowed his eyes at the short message, but typed out a reply anyway. 

CN (7:34 p.m.)

Okay. Be safe. Don’t forget, there’s class tomorrow. 

He sat down at his desk and opened his computer. He tried studying for his accounting final, but the words and equations might have been hieroglyphics for all that he was absorbing them. Cas sighed and pulled up the final project description for his creative writing class instead. 

It was his favorite class by far. In high school, Cas focused on writing short stories, mostly adapted from real life. His notebooks were his confidants, the product of never having a close friend. But now, he was challenged to write other things; poetry, scripts, memoirs. Cas lived for the challenge, finally able to stretch new creative muscles. And while his attempt at drama had received mixed reviews from his professor and peers alike, his other works were well-received. He’d never shared his writing with anyone, and to hear others enjoyed it was something Cas cherished.

But this final project, it was difficult. The professor had tasked them with writing a 1000-word story in prose and adapting it into both a drama and a poem. The goal was to tell the same story in each genre. Cas couldn’t even think of a scene he might want to write, let alone how he was going to move fluidly between genres.

He sighed, and began to list out possible ideas. When it became clear that he wasn’t getting anywhere, he closed his notebook and moved onto something less intense. He reviewed his econ notes for an hour, got started on his final paper for literature. 

After hitting a solid halfway point on his first draft, he checked his phone again. It was already midnight. Cas frowned. Dean was known to stay out late on the weekends, but it was Wednesday. Cas knew Dean had a nine-a.m. history class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He also knew that Dean wouldn’t make it to said class if he was out much later. He sent him a text. 

CN (12:03 a.m.)

Are you all right? 

Cas hit the bathrooms to brush his teeth and get ready for bed before checking his phone. His worry only increased when he saw that Dean hadn’t replied. He sent another text, hoping he didn’t seem too overbearing. 

CN (12:11 a.m.)

Just making sure you’re alive.

He decided that if Dean didn’t respond in the next ten minutes, he’d call, regardless of how ridiculous he might sound. 

Cas paced around the room, picking up what little stray trash they had left lying out. He was about to take out his phone again to check the time when it started vibrating on his desk. He picked it up eagerly, but frowned at the unknown number. Cas considered letting it ring out, but he hit the “accept” button at the last second. He didn’t say anything as he held the phone up to his ear, expecting a wrong number.

His eyes went wide when Dean rasped, “Cas?”

“Dean?” Cas replied, trying to keep panic out of his voice. “What — Why are you calling me from this number?”

“Phone’s dead,” he said, sounding exhausted. “I hate to do this to you, man, but… Just — goddammit — can you come get me?”

“What?” 

“I’m just — I’m at the corner of seventeenth and Gentry.”

“Don’t you have a DD?” Cas asked. Dean had never called him to pick him up from a party. He always made sure someone was sober, or he called an Uber. 

“No,” Dean sighed. 

“Seventeenth and Gentry?” He repeated, and he heard Dean murmur something in affirmation. Cas made a turn for his car and said, “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” He hung up.

Cas tried to drive at a normal speed, but it was difficult. Dean had left abruptly, and while Cas hadn’t thought to question it, it now seemed glaringly out-of-character. Dean had never partied in the middle of the week, and he certainly had never gone drinking by himself. Every red light kicked his anxiety up a notch. 

After the interminable drive, Cas finally arrived at the corner Dean had directed him to, a small bar with WSU flags plastered everywhere. Cas drove past the front of the building slowly, but couldn’t find Dean there. Finally, he saw a phone booth just past the bar’s street parking, and he coaxed the car forward. Dean was leaning against its side, a cigarette in his mouth. He hadn’t brought a jacket, and it was barely thirty degrees out. Cas turned up the heat in the car as he unlocked the passenger door.

Dean put out the cigarette and slid in without a word. Cas hit the gas and started the drive back to the dorms.

Neither said a word in the ten minutes it took Cas to reach campus. The only sounds were the roar of hot air from the vents and the low groan of the engine. Cas kept his eyes in front of him, never once daring to glance at Dean.

When they reached the lot, Cas threw the gear shift into park and folded his hands in his lap. He stared at his own interlaced fingers, willing Dean to speak first, not wanting to ask the question.

Dean didn’t speak, though, just opened the car door and stepped out. Cas saw a light flicker through the passenger window, and suppressed a groan as he realized Dean had lit another cigarette. Typical, Cas thought, and he was suddenly annoyed. It occurred to him that if their places were switched, Dean would be hounding him, demanding that Cas tell him everything, because he always did. Anytime Cas seemed the slightest bit off, Dean was there, asking questions, being the good friend that he was. But now? Now, he expected Cas to leave it alone, to let him suffer with whatever was bothering him. Cas took a few steadying breaths, then turned the engine off and got out.

“Dean,” he said, trying to keep his voice neutral, “What the hell?” 

Dean didn’t answer, just took a long drag, his gaze aimed resolutely ahead. Cas huffed and crossed his arms. 

“You… You can’t just ask me to come pick you up from a bar and not offer an explanation,” Cas said. 

“Sorry,” Dean muttered.

Cas let out a mirthless laugh. “Oh, well, that’s perfectly adequate,” he scoffed.

“What else am I supposed to say?” Dean demanded. 

Cas stared at him, then shook his head. “Nothing,” he said, his jaw set. “I’m going to bed. 

“What?” Dean asked, finally looking at Cas. 

Cas shrugged. “I’m obviously wasting my time.”

Another drag. An exhale.

“My dad called while you were in the shower.” 

The irritation shifted, almost immediately, to concern. “Your father called you?”

“Yeah.” 

“What did he want?” 

Dean tapped his cigarette against his leg. “Mostly to remind me what a piece of shit I am.” 

Cas remained silent, allowing Dean the space to form whatever his next thought might be. 

“I guess…” Dean rubbed his free hand over his forehead. “I guess Sam let it slip that I was bringing you to Bobby’s for Christmas.” 

Cas cocked his head. “And that’s… Problematic?” 

Dean exhaled another plume of smoke. “Yeah,” he said. He let out a mirthless laugh. “He said he didn’t get it, that if I was bringing anyone home, it should be a girlfriend, not…” Dean trailed off. 

Cas felt the blood leave his face. “He thinks —”

“Yeah.” 

“Dean, I don’t have to come,” Cas said. It would be better for both of us. “I’ll be perfectly fine here. I appreciate the offer, I do, but I don’t want to make life more difficult for you than necessary.” 

Dean looked at him, finally, and he was all shadow and exhaustion. “No, he’s not gonna be there. You’re coming,” he said resolutely, and Cas tried not to let the disappointment show. “Plus, that wasn’t all of it. He’s pissed that I didn’t come home for Thanksgiving. Said something about how I was dishonoring my mom’s memory or something.” 

Cas was silent for a moment. “Did you find what you were looking for?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“At the bar,” Cas clarified. He couldn’t tell how drunk Dean really was, but based on that recent revelation, he could guess. 

Dean furrowed his brow. “What?” He cleared his throat. “I mean, I had like three beers. I was planning on going full blackout, but then you reminded me about class.” 

Cas almost smiled at that, because it was almost funny. “Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Decide to get blackout drunk just because your father incorrectly assumed you were bringing me — bringing a male partner to a Christmas he wouldn’t even attend?” 

Dean frowned. “I don’t — I don’t know,” he said, and he sounded almost surprised at his own answer. 

Cas was treading on thin ice, he knew that. But he kept up anyway. “I don’t want to overstep,” he said slowly, “But, Dean, your father… It doesn’t seem like he’s taken the time to get to know you. The real you, not the version he wants you to be, or the version he projects onto you.” 

When Dean didn’t stop him, he continued. “And you don’t owe him anything, not anymore. You’re here, aren’t you? All on your own. He has no power over you. And, I’m only assuming, but I believe that might terrify him. Because not only do you no longer need him, but you may choose not to want him.”

Cas let out a small laugh. “Believe me, I know how difficult it is to stop putting stock in what your father thinks. It took me years to accept that I had done nothing wrong, that my father was, and always would be, a bigot. I… I’m still working on it, even now,” he admitted. Cas sighed. “But my life has been better, easier, since I stopped trying to please someone who hardly even knew me.” 

Dean’s expression changed, and he blinked. He was still looking in Cas’s direction, but not at him. Past him, at some unknown subject. Cas took a step toward him.

“Dean?” 

“I don’t need him,” Dean whispered.

“Are you all right?” Cas asked, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

Dean let out a huff, overflowing with something like realization. “I never thought about that before. It’s not like he’s ever tried to talk to me.” Dean threw his cigarette on the asphalt and stomped it out. A breathy chuckle escaped his lips, and he wrapped his hands around his midsection. “You know, I used to try so hard to be like him.” Dean tilted his head toward the sky. “I listened to his music, I dressed like him. Hell, I even started talkin’ like him.

“It was never enough, you know? I always fucked up. Sam didn’t get to school on time, or I forgot milk at the grocery store. I just, I dunno. I know he loves me. But I always wanted him to like me, too, you know?” 

“I do.” 

“Oh man, you should’ve seen him when he found out I’d been hiding money away to go to college,” Dean said, laughing darkly. “I thought I was gonna go to school with a black eye for a week.” 

“He hit you?” Cas asked, horrified. 

“What? No, no,” Dean said quickly. “I just thought he might.”

Cas let out a breath. There was one crime John Winchester hadn’t committed. “What do you mean, hiding money?”

“Dad never really had a steady job, not after our mom died,” Dean explained. “That’s why we moved around a lot. When I was fourteen, I started working. Chickenshit stuff, mostly. Mowing lawns and detailing cars until I was old enough to start flippin’ burgers.” Dean furrowed his eyebrows. “The money was supposed to go to rent and food, but I started putting most of it aside, just in case, you know? I had enough for a year of college by the time I was a senior. I figured I could get loans and stuff for the rest.”

“And when you told him, he got angry?”

Dean only nodded, now staring intently at the ground. Cas didn’t say anything more, knowing Dean had probably just unloaded more trauma than he’d even known he had. Finally, though, Dean’s gaze met his.

“But I don’t need him,” he repeated.

“You don’t.” 

“He’s nothing, unless I want him to be something,” Dean said slowly, and his eyes were growing triumphant. “Cas, you’re a genius.”

“If you say so.” 

“You learn all that stuff from your sister? The one with a degree in ‘dealing with crazy fuckers’?”

Cas smiled. “Maybe,” he said. “And therapy isn’t just for ‘crazy fuckers.’”

Dean smirked at him. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say ‘fuck’.” 

Cas rolled his eyes. “It’s cold out here,” he said. “Let’s go inside.” 

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Yeah, okay.” 

As they walked, Cas felt latent anger curl in his stomach. Dean hadn’t told Castiel much about his home life, not until that night. He understood, now, why Dean could so easily take care of others, but needed three beers and a cigarette to show his own vulnerabilities. In his eighteen years, had Dean ever been told that he was enough? The possibility that he hadn’t awakened something in Cas, some righteous fury.

He chided himself internally. How much of his selfish avoidance scheme had contributed to those feelings of inadequacy? He’d rather burn with the pain of unrequited love forever than let Dean think he wasn’t enough.

When they reached the entrance to their dorm, Cas put a hand on Dean’s arm. “Are you okay, Dean?” He asked. 

Dean let out a long breath. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. “I’m okay. I really am.” He said it like it might have been the first time he’d ever meant it.

 Cas woke up at two in the morning from a particularly vivid dream. His breathing was heavy with the shock of waking up so suddenly. Dean was breathing slow and even across the room, still entirely asleep.

Cas shook his head a little. The dream had felt so real that it had left a residual burning feeling in his hand. He stared at it, but it remained entirely human.

Abruptly, he remembered his creative writing project. A short story, something he could turn into a poem and a stage scene. A lightbulb went off in his brain.

Cas lowered himself from his bed and hurriedly opened his computer. He had to get this down as soon as possible. Cas replayed the dream in his mind as his computer booted up. He supposed it might be a little strange, to turn this story in as his final project, considering it was somewhat of a self-insert. But it had everything he needed.

Finally, he opened a blank document and began to write the first draft. Cas wrote down everything he could remember from the dream, sights and sounds and feelings. With each word, his excitement grew. He’d never felt this way about a writing project, like the story demanded to be told.

Cas hit word count and kept going, because the story was building itself larger and larger. He didn’t even notice how long he’d been working until Dean’s six-a.m. alarm went off.

Dean groaned and rolled over in his bunk. He said something, but Cas didn’t hear, too intent upon getting the words in his head onto the page.

“Hey,” Dean said, raising his voice. “Stephen King, what the hell?”

Cas didn’t turn from the computer screen. “Good morning,” he said. “How did you sleep?”

Dean groaned. “Like the dead,” he said sarcastically. “How long you been up?”

Cas checked the time. “Somewhere around four hours,” he said.

“Four — you’ve been up since two?”

“Yes.”

Dean blanched and swung himself down from his bed. “Dude, that means you got, max, an hour and a half of sleep.” He made his way to Cas’s desk and leaned over his shoulder. Upon seeing the word count on his screen, his eyes widened.

“You wrote all that last night? Or this morning?” He asked.

Cas shrugged, a little sheepishly. “I got inspired.”

Dean blinked at him. “I’m gonna make a pot of coffee,” he said.

Cas wrote a few hundred more words before finding a good stopping point. He scrolled to the top of his document and highlighted the scenes he wanted to use for his project. Dean brought him a cup of coffee, which Cas accepted eagerly, beginning to feel the first twinges of exhaustion through his inspiration-fueled mania.

“What’re you writing over there?” Dean asked after taking a sip from his mug.

“It’s one of my final projects,” Cas replied. He drank from his own mug.

Dean looked at him in horror. “A five-thousand word essay?”

Cas laughed. “No. A thousand-word short story,” he said.

“What, so you’re an over-achiever?”

“No,” Cas said. “I’m only using the first thousand words for my project. But I just couldn’t stop. There was more to tell.” His cheeks flamed. Talking about his creative projects always embarrassed him.

“What’s it about?” Dean asked.

Cas gave him a sideways grin. “You’ll find out when you read it.”

Dean scowled. “At least tell me what you’re calling it.”

Cas looked up thoughtfully. “I don’t know for sure yet,” he said. “That reminds me…” He turned back to his computer to save the document. When faced with the title option, he faltered. He typed in “The Righteous Man.” That would do for now.

-------------

taglist! @nguyenxtrang @castielsbeeslippers

[masonscig]

first line tag game

thank you for the tag @crackerdumortain !!!!! yours were so much fun to read omg !!!!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favourite opening line. Then tag some of your favourite authors!

[disclaimer: i write for the choices fandom and some for litg so you’ll see a mix of those fandoms on this list LMAO]

1. stay [twc �� mason x sofía]

The first time was casual. She had a knack for musing her thoughts aloud, tossing her harmless opinions out for anyone who’d catch them.

She was good at starting conversations in that way – while he’d never been one for talking.

She never did it with heavy topics, though.

2. thieves in the shadows [choices – blades au – mal x zilyana]

bullets pelted the crates they were crouched behind, wood splintering in every direction. bodies were strewn across the warehouse, the unmistakable pools of blood streaking across the stone.

“raine! to your left!” immy yelled her way, barely sparing her a glance before unloading her clip, shell casings clinking against the ground.

the gun trembled in yana’s hands. she’d shot one before – practice at the gun range, glass bottles in a back alley – but never a live target.

3. if we meet again [choices – open heart au – bryce x spencer] 18+

year one

The ride from the airport to her parents’ home was long and grueling, the slushy ice pelting the windshield barely passing for snow.

It was practically sub-zero outside, a stark difference between the mid seventies weather she’d just left.

4. clandestine [twc – mason x sofía] 18+

“hey. hey wake up –”

she stirred at the greeting, but jumped when he kicked the desk. her face contorted into a grimace, the imprint of her tweed jacket on her cheek outlined in pink. “hmm?”

“you fell asleep again,” he said, plopping a bag in front of her.

5. undying [choices – blades – mal x zilyana]

Zilyana stirred, resituating herself against Mal’s bare chest, feeling his arm instinctively tighten around her shoulders. When she realized she was missing the sound of his deep breathing, accompanied with an occasional soft snore, she cracked an eye open to see his chin tipped upwards, his gaze trained on the ceiling.

6. talent show [choices – platinum – shane x dom]

There wasn’t a day that went by where she didn’t cross his mind. Even since they were kids.

He admired so much about her – her fiery spirit, her drive, her unwavering tenacity.

And he’d been in love with Dom for as long as he could remember.

7. redeemed [choices – platinum – raleigh x dom]

As soon as he stepped off stage, he was shuffled to his tour bus, Fiona on his heels. She looked like the human embodiment of rage in a grey blazer, a look in her eye that made him thankful he wasn’t the one it was directed at – or at least he hoped he wasn’t the reason she was two seconds away from a murderous rampage.

8. hidden [choices – foreign affairs – blaine x carina] 18+

Her cheek slipped out of the palm of her hand, forehead smacking the desk, nearly jumping out of her skin at the abrupt awakening.

“Ow.”

She prodded the tender spot on her face, thankful her foundation was thick.

A soft snore caught her attention – next to her, Blaine was passed out. Leaning back in his chair, his head was thrown back, arms crossed against his chest, the textbook on its face in his lap.

9. is this fate? [litg au – bobby x mc] 18+

The peroxide was cold when it hit her skin, the liquid bubbling on her knee, relentlessly stinging. She sucked in a breath through gritted teeth.

“Sorry… should be over soon,” he murmured, wiping up the stray liquid that streamed down her leg with a small rag.

The heaviness of the atmosphere between them was almost too much to bear – they’d barely spoken since he helped her onto the counter in his small office, leg propped up between his own, where he sat in his desk chair.

10. asvista cove [litg college au – bobby x elena]

Bobby’s thumb flicked the lighter repeatedly until he got a consistent flame, moving slowly from left to right over the edge of the blunt. His cheeks hollowed out as he sucked in, the tip of it an auburn ember. He pulled it out of his mouth and sucked in an even deeper breath, holding it.

When he blew out the thick cloud of smoke, he passed it to her, coughing under his breath. “Whew. Your turn.”

She followed suit, the thick smoke coating the inside of her lungs, bitter and heavy. She exhaled, the shroud smoke enveloping her view of the sealine.

11. reticent [twc – mason x sofía] 18+

She was bare.

Bare in the way that one is when they’ve been stripped down and torn apart with a trained gaze just calculating enough for them to feel seen – parts of her she didn’t know she’d hidden splayed out like withered pages of a book, dog-eared and marked up like a frequently reread novel.

One he’d reread because it was familiar, because it had fallen into his lap (he hadn’t searched for it), not so much because it was his favorite.

12. more [twc – mason x sofía] 18+

He laced his fingers through her thick hair, reveling in the way his skin looked contrasted against the midnight of her hair.

[the way i can’t post more than this bc it’s....... very nsfw right out the bat LMFAO]

13. calm before the storm [choices – open heart – bryce x spencer]

Since the moment his hands trembled amidst one of the most important surgeries of his life, Bryce was holding on by a thread.

With each half-assed joke he cracked, each wavering smile, each time he tried convincing others – including himself – that he was coping, he fell apart more and more.

The first night he went home after Spencer was quarantined, he trudged through the halls of Edenbrook, like he was dragging his legs through wet concrete. He was nearly magnetized to her bedside, not wanting to leave, but he needed to rest – he’d been awake for nearly a day and a half by the time he clocked out.

14. envy | part two of the attached series [twc – mason x sofía x felix]

He strode down the hallway, hands in his pockets to give the illusion that he didn’t give a shit, when he was most definitely on edge. His fingers flicked his lighter open and closed against the twill lining of his pockets, trying to focus on the soft clicking noise it made instead of the swarm of thoughts clouding his conscience.

He still couldn’t figure out why he cared so much.

15. comfort | part one of the attached series [twc – mason x sofía x felix]

He noticed it before she did.

Her pulse didn’t jump the same way it did the first dozen times he walked into the room. The blood didn’t rush to her cheeks, or creep up her neck, the crimson flush absent even when he tried his hardest to fluster her. And it normally took next to nothing to get her to turn into a bumbling mess.

16. out of time [choices – open heart – sienna x danny]

She sprinted down the hallway, pager still beeping erratically on her hip, the weight of the numbers enough to make her feel like she was slugging through wet concrete.

No, no, not him, please, not him, she chanted to herself, vision blurring with tears before she had the chance to let the negative possibilities set in.

17. unrequited part three [choices – open heart – bryce x spencer]

She slumped into the seat in the deserted waiting room, her joints popping as she stretched, her deep sigh echoing off of the tile. She was exhausted.

She could usually push through the worst of her shifts, but fatigue settled into her bones, a lethargy she’d never experienced entrapping her like a net, and she couldn’t fight her way out of it this time.

18. signs [choices – ride or die – logan x raquel]

“A final in sign language? Couldn’t you just have a conversation with the teacher or some shit?” Logan sat across from her on the couch, watching as her fingers bent and flexed, transfixed.

She stopped abruptly, screwing her mouth to the side in concentration. She repeated the same few moves, getting more and more frustrated with each sequence.

19. mementos [choices – ride or die – logan x raquel]

The sound of his boots slapping against the damp pavement reverberated off of the brick of the alleyways, his gasping breaths adding to the symphony that was his escape.

20. warmth [twc – mason x sofía]

“You’re going the wrong way,” Mason grunted, looking particularly stiff in her passenger seat.

“I thought we could take the scenic route,” she shrugged, flicking her high beams on as she turned off of the main road leading downtown, easing on the brakes when the tires hit the gravel.

okay so....... i didn’t really realize just HOW MUCH i’ve written since the summer? i’ve fallen into a pattern where i think i’m a failure bc of how slow i am to write because i have so many series i’ve started and dropped off and wips i’ve abandoned but.... i’ve managed to write for most appreciation weeks i’ve both hosted/participated in and i’ve written for THREE fandoms.... i don’t normally gas myself up but? i’m really? proud of myself? KSJDJKSD if you read this far thank you and you’re prob watching me have a breakdown over how much i’ve managed to write oh my GOD ok i need to lie down KLSDFKASFJD i didn’t even think i could hit 20 but i did???? alright i’m officially gonna treat myself at some point bc i did all this in less than a year.... these are from the end of july 2020 to now..... wow ok im done i promise SKDFJKSDF

tagging: @raleighcarrera and @pixeljazzy !!! <3 

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 22

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.5 - 4.8k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i havent even written half of what I wanted to be written in this chapter so they will have an other discussion in the next chapter, and they’ll spend an other day together. i feel like the song thing wasnt as good as it should have been. so i feel like it really sucks. i just hope it doesnt.

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : heres the few requests i used. i suggest you dont read them before reading the chapters tho!

Chapter 22 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

Just as I opened the door to leave, I came face to face with Louis who rolled his eyes and laughed. I knew I should have left a while ago but the truth was, I hadn't shaved in 4 days and my hair was a mess. I was pretty sure it wouldn't bother Niall but it bothered me and I had to do something about it.

After trying out too many dresses, Julie, Eleanor and I gave up for the day and ended up at the restaurant with a few glasses of wine. We talked, we laughed, and I tried to keep the conversation as far from Niall as I could. I was still trying to sort out how I felt, or mostly, what I wanted, and I felt like it was something I had to do alone. I could lie and pretend I didn't love Niall but it was too late. In fact, I have never stopped loving him and I was not sure I ever would. Possibly, if we stopped talking and seeing each other, I could live with someone else, get married with someone else and be happy to a certain extent, but being around him without being with him would be impossible. I've done that for so many years before we started dating and it made me miserable. If there was one thing I was sure, it's that if I ended up with someone else than Niall, I would cut him out of my life for good. That thought made me want to throw up but I just breathed in, trying to calm myself. I hadn't taken that decision yet and I was not ready to, anyway.

"Five more minutes and you'll be late."

"I'm already late, Louis." I just said, shaking my head.

"Yea no, I told him half an hour, not 15 minutes like you had said. I know you and he does too. Don't lie to yourself, Olivia. You're always late."

"Well, i'm an artist!" I tried to defend myself with a small amused smile.

"Yea yea, use that excuse if you want." Louis chuckled, walking in. "Niall's waiting for you. Hurry or he'll already be asleep!"

"That drunk huh?" I raised my nose up. I sort of hoped we could have a discussion, or maybe I just wanted to feel myself beneath him. I was not sure. Either way, my plan was gonna have to change.

"No he seemed a bit better when we came back."

"Came back from where?" I frowned, tilting my head.

Louis' lips curled and he put his hands in his pockets before looking down and chuckling. He looked up at me again and laughed some more before shaking his head.

"No, no way, he'll tell you himself." he finally said, making me grimace. "He's got a surprise for you."

"Whatever, I don't have time to insist." I smiled and rolled my eyes, walking past him and bringing his face closer to kiss his cheek. "Thanks for calling me, Lou."

He turned around to look at me as I walked to my car and raised his voice to make sure I hear him.

"You take care on the road yea? Call me if you need anything!"

I smiled and nodded. "Don't worry. Now call your girlfriend!"

I quickly hopped in my car and drove to Niall's, feeling suddenly a lot more nervous than I probably should. I didn't know why, it was definitely not the first time I was seeing him, and everything was going so well between us, almost as well as it was before he broke up with me. Of course, we had many things to discuss again but we were on the right path, I could feel it. I shook my head, realizing I was talking about him as if we were dating, or at least, as if I was not supposed to marry someone else, and it made me feel guilty.

However, when he opened the door, all the emotions fighting inside of me suddenly disappeared, All I felt was love and my lips curled into a smile, just like his.

"Thanks so much for coming." he let out, moving a bit to let me in, and closed the door behind me. "I just want you to know that I was not jerking off to your nude. Louis just said that because-"

"He's an ass, I know." I chuckled before licking my lips. "Does that mean my nude was not good fapping material?"

His face changed into a few different expressions but finally, he raised his eyebrows and moved closer to me, bending down slightly to slip his arms around my waist and taking a step closer, forcing me to take a step back until my ass pressed against the couch.

"That nude is definitely great fapping material, I didn't say I wouldn't use it, I just meant that I was not doing it tonight, big difference."

My lips curled more and I chuckled as he bent down to kiss me. It was wrong, I knew it, but I couldn't help myself to let him kiss me and touch me again. I never had enough and I probably never would have.

"You're drunk." I let out before kissing him again.

"Mm, yea, a bit."

I laughed and shook my head. "Come on, let's go to bed yea?"

He groaned and his lips found my neck, making me laugh again. I loved how cuddly he became after drinking and I felt his mouth leaving small kisses on my skin, making goosebumps appear.

"Will you let me hold you and cuddle you?"

I smiled and nodded and with a low sigh, he pulled away. We walked to his room but kept the lights off and I helped him with his shirt and pants before getting undressed too, picking his shirt off the floor and putting it on. We both lied down in bed, facing each other, and I could see his drunk smile even in the darkness.

"Olivia, I love you. I think I always will."

I knew he was past the tipsy stage but I couldn't hide that his words made me smile. I moved closer and brought my hand to his cheek, letting my fingertips brush on it.

"You think?" I asked in a whisper, an amused smile reaching my lips.

"I know. I know I will always love you." he corrected himself, making me chuckle again. "And that nude, oh god, pet, just thinking about it makes me hard, look."

He grabbed my fingers before I could do anything and brought it over his boxers. As soon as I felt the shape of his cock on my palm, I moved my hand away. My heart had skipped a beat and I chuckled nervously before raising my eyebrows.

"Hey, don't do that!" I let out with a laugh, making him laugh too.

"You know I jerk off a lot thinking about you?" he mumbled. "That time you slept here, I walked to your room and saw you naked. Fuck, Liv, It got me so horny. It was the first time I saw you naked in over a year. I'm sorry, I swear it was an accident, but it made me so hard I had to jerk off in the shower."

My lips parted and my breath caught in my throat. I remembered that day very well... a bit too well. "You... wait, what?"

He groaned and moved his head before looking back at me again. "I know! I'm so sorry! I think I even moaned your name when I came."

I stared at him a few more seconds as his eyes moved quickly on my face. I pressed my lips together, feeling my heart thump hard in my chest as I tried to decide if I should tell him what I did or not.

"That day I... I sort of walked to your room to ask you for something and I saw you... in the shower." I admitted as he frowned.

"Really? How did you like it?" he asked, his lips curling into a smile. "You never told me."

I wanted to tell him that I actually touched myself next to him without him knowing but for some reasons, the words wouldn't come out and I stopped trying when he whimpered low and more closer, pulling me against him.

"Say you love me, petal. You love me right?"

I smiled a bit, leaving a soft kiss on his jaw. "I love you, Niall."

"I'm also the best fuck you ever had, I have to be." he added in a mutter, making me laugh this time. "I am, petal, tell me I am. I'm better than Louis, at least, yea?"

I moved back a bit to look at him again and frowned. I was a bit surprised by his request since he was never the type to be insecure and I just licked my lips.

"Does that really scare you?"

His face changed in a funny face and he shrugged. "Ha, no." he told me before his face changed slightly. "Okay maybe a bit."

I brought my hand back to his cheek and I suddenly got serious. I didn't want him to keep thinking about that, it was seriously useless to be scared of that.

"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and more than I'll ever love anyone else. And you're the best fuck I've ever had, and ever will have."

His lips curled into a smirk and he chuckled low. "I know. Now pretend I never asked."

I rolled my eyes and brought my lips to his, kissing him slowly as he answered my kiss. We didn't go further, we just kept kissing gently and deeply until we fell asleep and it was the very first time I had done something like that. When I woke up, the way I had fallen asleep came back to my mind and I felt a stupid grin draw itself on my lips. That was a bit embarrassing yet that was the most romantic thing we ever did together.

I got up slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake him up, and went to the bathroom before going to the kitchen with pills that I left on the counter. I finally made coffee and found eggs and bread, knowing he may not eat at all. I heard a groan behind me and I smiled despite myself until I felt his arms slip around my waist. His lips reached for my neck and I chuckled, moving my shoulder up.

"It tickles!" I admitted, turning to look at him with a smile. "Your stubble."

He laughed and moved away, grabbing a cup and filling it with coffee before literally swallowing the pills with the warm beverage. I remained silent and put the eggs in a plate, leaving it on the counter between us and grabbing the bread in the toaster.

"No thanks, just eggs is fine." he just shook his head as I handed him a toast.

He handed me a fork and we started eating together, still standing up and facing each other. I wanted it to be that way every single day of my life until I'd die. I wanted to wake up with him, eat breakfast with him, and spend the day with him. All my days. Every fucking day.

"What do you wanna do today?" I just asked, seeing him stop moving from the corner of my eyes.

"You're spending the day with me?"

I shrugged and pressed my lips together to make sure I wouldn't smile too big. "If you want me to."

"So many useless words coming from such a pretty mouth."

"Shut up!" I laughed. "You should have heard yourself last night!"

He grimaced and I laughed some more before shaking my head. I moved closer and wrapped both my arms around his neck, quickly pressing my lips against his. He closed his eyes and his arms slithered around my waist pulling me closer.

"What was that for?" he asked in a whisper, staring in my eyes with a smile when I pulled away.

"I was thinking of going for a walk at the park, and since we won't be able to do that there, I thought it was appropriated to do it here before we left."

His smile turned into a smirk and he raised his eyebrows. "You know what we could do before we leave?"

I laughed again and shook my head, taking a step back. God I loved him so much. How did I always feel so beautiful and desirable when I was with him was beyond me. At first, I thought it was just a way to see if he could still get me somehow, and then I thought maybe he just missed the time we were dating but now? Now I was starting to realize that perhaps it was just me. He wanted me, and he loved me. And that conclusion was exactly what I wanted.

"Maybe later." I proposed with a smile. "Let's go out. Fresh air will be good for your headache."

He groaned again and I laughed some more, walking back to his room to get my bag. I quickly got dressed, the smile on my face never faltering. Was that how it would be if I was with Niall? Would I always be happy, in love and excited to spend time with him? Realistically, I knew it was impossible to always be happy or always smile. Everyone had bad days and living with someone, or even just dating someone, was not perfect, but I felt like if I was with Niall, it would come very close to it.

He came back to the room just as I was done and started getting changed in front of me, making me roll my eyes but chuckle. It took him fifteen minutes to get ready as I waited for him next to the front door and when he appeared, my eyebrows raised.

"Wow, you look good." I pointed out.

"Those are just pants and a shirt. Why? Did you change your mind? We can spend the day in the bedroom if you want!"

I laughed again, perfectly aware that he wanted to go out as much as I did, and took a step closer before grabbing his hand in mine and staring at him. After about a minute, he frowned.

"What are we waiting for exactly?"

I squeezes his hand in mine and licked my lips. "Just trying to imagine what it would feel like to walk around with you while holding your hand."

"How does it feel?" he finally asked in a whisper.

I only send him a soft smile and let go of his hand before walking out of his house. He followed me to my car and I got behind the wheel as he took a seat on the passenger's side. He didn't comment but I knew he preferred when we used his car, perhaps it had something with keeping the control or something like that, but this time, I just wanted to choose the place. I brought him back to the park we had gone to meet last time and we walked around, enjoying the sun and the weather. It was quite a big and popular park but he had a cap on and I was clearly not famous enough to be recognized. I frowned a bit when he stepped out of the traced path to reach a part with a lot less people and sat in the grass as I did the same. We hadn't talked at all and it was not awkward. Silence was never awkward between us. After a while, I just lied down in the grass and crossed my ankles to stare at the sky. It took him a few seconds but he did the same and I noticed he had kept both his hands on his chest.

"That's a dragon." I let out, "A dragon who clearly doesn’t spit out fire. More like, bubbles or something."

I brought my arm up and traced the clouds with one of my fingers as he chuckled.

"That looks more like a snowman to me."

"A snowman? Do you have imagination at all?" I argued, raising my nose up before using a dumb voice. "Oh look, a cloud that's shaped like a cloud?"

He laughed too and I glanced at him right on time to see him lick his lips. "Okay, a few sheep then. And a fence." he paused. "Okay this one looks like two persons having sex."

"No, Niall, that's just projection."

This time, he let out a louder laughter and I smiled more. I turned back to the sky, feeling a cold breeze on my cheeks, and my eyes fluttered. My heart did exactly the same when I felt Niall's fingers grip my hand that was laying on the grass, between us.

"No PDA, remember?"

"Yea I'm re-thinking that rule."

I felt something jump in my chest as the surprise took over me but decided not to say anything. The more time I was spending with Niall, the more I realized that he had changed, and a lot. He was more mature, more balanced and clearly way more ready to settle than he used to be.

The day went by very well. We grabbed food on our way back, ate in the car and ended up at the movies. When we walked back inside his house, I felt tired and stretched with a yawn.

"Wine?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Beer is fine."

I followed him to the kitchen and sat on the counter as I looked at him open a beer and throw the cap in the bin. He took a sip and once again I rolled my eyes as he handed it to me.

"When I open it, there's a tax." he explained as If I didn't already know that rule. It had been instituted when we were teens and he had never stopped doing it since then.

"The tax could be something else than a sip, you know." I proposed with a smirk.

"Okay, show me your tits, then."

"You already took a sip." I pointed out.

"Take a sip of my beer and we'll be even. And then, show me your tits."

I laughed but ignored his request before I licked my lips.

"Yesterday you told me you saw me naked a few weeks ago and jerked off thinking about me int he shower." I told him, suddenly a bit stressed. "Remember?"

"Clearly."

I looked down at my beer as he stood near me, his right side leaned against the counter.

"I saw you in the shower." I added.

"Yea I remember you telling me that last night too." he smiled.

"Mm, when I saw you it turned me on. I.. I touched myself, too. While you were jerking off in the shower. I literally masturbated with you but you never saw me."

His lips parted a bit and he put his beer away before letting out the air in his lungs quickly. His eyebrows raised again and he moved between my legs, grabbing the beer from my hands and putting it away with his as he spread his hands on my thighs. He didn't say anything else, he just reached for the hem of my pants and immediately, I held myself with my hands on the counter and moved my ass up. He pulled on my pants, bringing my panties with them and let them fall on the floor before taking a step back.

"Get your feet on the counter, spread those thighs, darling."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and bit my bottom lip before doing what he asked. His gaze immediately dropped between my legs and he grabbed a chair, placing it in front of me before sitting on it. He made a quick chin movement in my direction before looking up in my eyes.

"Show me what you did." he let out. "Do it like I'm not here."

It took me a few seconds to react but I brought two fingers to my mouth, leaving some spit on them before bringing them between my legs. I let my fingers brush on my clit and slip inside me for a few seconds before going back to my clit. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and the way he was looking at me with a stoic face was driving me insane.

"You know, last time was easier because you were touching yourself."

I had no idea what went through his head but he kept looking at my fingers rubbing against my clit and slipping inside me alternately for a few minutes and finally took his cock out and started stroking it very slowly. The sight made a whimper escape my lips and my thighs tensed as I reached for my clit again. He looked amazing and there was nothing I wanted more than to watch him touch himself until he'd reach an orgasm except maybe feeling him inside me. My eyes were stuck on his cock and when he started leaking precum, I took my hand away from my pussy.

"I think you should come here and fuck me."

"No, you come here and sit on me."

I nodded quickly and moved off the counter before straddling him, still holding myself with my feet on the floor. He watched his cock enter me as I sat on it and let out a curse word as I quickly took my shirt and bra off. Once again, I was naked and he was completely dressed but I didn't mind. I felt at ease to be vulnerable in front of him, and that thought brought me close to tears.

I started moving up and down on him and I felt his hands run on my breasts, stomach, back an ass. He spanked me gently and then a bit harder, making me ride him quicker. It felt too good and my whole body started throbbing as I came close to an orgasm. He groaned and I felt his hands on my hips, helping me up. It made me frown but I followed his lead as he took my hand and brought it between my legs. I started rubbing my clit again and whimpered as I saw him jerk or again. I could feel the tip of his cock brush between my legs with each stroke of his hand and when he came, he pushed my hand away and I felt myself start shaking, his cum spurting against my clit as the tip of his cock brushed against it, helping me reach my peak too. I quivered and moaned, hearing him groan and the whole sight was just too hot. I knew it would probably make a mess but I really didn't give a fuck. I was panting as I slowly got down from my high and reached between my legs with my hand, my fingers brushing on my sensitive clit as I spread his cum on my pussy.

"That was so hot." I confessed in a whisper, making him look up in my eyes.

He got up without answering and grabbing my face to kiss me hard. I felt his cock press against my stomach and moaned in his mouth as he smiled through the kiss.

"Stay naked." he murmured as I nodded before I followed him to his room.

I saw him take off his clothes too and went to the bathroom to clean a bit before getting back in bed. He turned the lights off and we stayed together in silence, just watching the ceiling.

"Heidi sent me a picture of you in a wedding dress." he finally just randomly said after a few minutes. "That's why I didn't answer your text message, I was just so... flabbergasted by how good you looked."

I felt a wave of hated for Heidi for half a second but when I realized what Niall had said, it quickly vanished. I knew I looked ridiculous, no matter which dress he had seen me in, but the fact that he thought I looked great made my whole body feel warm suddenly.

"I want a future with you, Olivia." he just admitted, leaving me speechless.

He turned to me and pulled me closer before I heard him start singing. I closed my eyes to focus on his words and besides his voice, all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeats.

"My mind is complicated Find it hard to rearrange it But I'll have to find a way somehow Overreacting lately Find it hard to say I'm sorry But I'll make it up to you somehow

And I just don't know why The stars won't shine at night

Tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well, I'm still in love with you

Did I miscalculate this? Let's just go back to basics Forget about what's come and gone 'Cause I hate to see us like this Breaking up on nights just like this We should be shooting for them stars of gold

So tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Then I guess we lost our focus And it's killing me that we could go to war like this But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well I'm still in love with you

Oh, we'll be alright Oh, it'll be alright Oh, we'll be alright Oh, it'll be alright

So tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth I guess we lost our focus And it's killing me that we could go to war like this But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well I'm still in love with you"

I held my breath for so long I thought I was just going to pass out but I inhaled again when I felt tears fall down my cheeks. He sniffed and my eyes fluttered open only to see him crying. We just stayed there, laying in the dark, looking at each other, both crying, overwhelmed by feelings we didn't really know how to handle. I moved closer and kissed his lips until he deepened the kiss. I tasted the saltiness of his tears and he probably tasted mine, but we didn't care. All that mattered was his warm naked body against mine and the words he had sang to me.

"I love you so much." he sobbed to me in a whisper. "I wrote this the first day I saw you again at the bakery."

I wanted to tell him that I wanted it, just like he asked. I wanted to tell him that I was ready to jump back into this, to be with him and give us an other chance, but I just couldn't. I breathed in deeply and took a decision though. I was going to break up with Dylan. Clearly, it was not working and whether I decided to be with Niall again or not, I couldn't just keep Dylan around and keep on hurting him for weeks.

"That's one of the most beautiful songs I ever heard, Niall." I murmured, feeling my lips brush against his. "All of your songs for me..."

I cried again, letting more tears fall on my cheeks.

"We did lose our focus it's true... but it's back. I focus on you Niall. And you're right, we'll be alright."

I heard him break down again and it broke my heart. I brought my mouth on his against and we kissed some more. I felt his hand on my back and his fingers holding me so tight that they sank in my skin. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but there were no words. I wish we could have a longer conversation and I felt like there were so many things left unsaid that clearly needed to be heard, but there was no way I was going to ruin this moment.

"I love you, Niall. We'll be alright." I repeated low before I heard his voice crack slightly.

"We'll be alright."

[fortheloveoffanfic]

The One That Stays

Keanu Reeves x Reader (This was gonna be a oneshot, but it turned into a chapter for this. Also, I don’t like Valentine’s Day, but if you do, hope you had a great one! A/n2- I know a couple chapters ago, the reader and Keanu talked about something her company was launching for Christmas, in favor of propelling this plot forward, that doesn’t mean that they’re in December, it means they’re prepping for the coming December. Also, realistically, things like that would be months in the making and I don’t why I’m still talking but yeah. Also, I had a very specific idea in mind for the dress, so here it is, if you feel like looking at it-> dress)

Chapter1   Chapter2  Chapter3  Chapter4  Chapter5  Chapter6  

Chapter 7- Surprises

“I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times before but in my dreams I couldn’t love you more.” Martina Mcbride, My Valentine.

“Hey!” Y/n beamed, putting her cell to her ear as she leaned back into the chair in her office, “I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.”

“What?” Keanu teased on the other end, wherever he was; Y/n could hear a machine in the distance and she automatically assumed that he was at Arch, “I missed my girlfriend and wanted to hear her voice,” Keanu laughed lightly.

On her end, Y/n playfully rolled her eyes; ever since Julie had called them a couple about two weeks ago, Keanu had not missed an opportunity to call her his ‘girlfriend’. “Okay boyfriend. But you did drive me to work this morning,” to be fair, Y/n hadn’t ever missed a chance to call him her ‘boyfriend’ either. Glancing at her watch, she added, “And that was two hours ago.”

“Okay, you got me,” she could still hear Keanu’s smile in his words and as he sat in his office at the shop, he toyed with a pen, pushing the little plastic button over and over as he absently stared at the screen of his laptop, where he had a list of the best restaurants listed out with contacts. “I’ll admit, my call is not spontaneous.”

“So you didn’t miss my soothing, melodious voice? I’ll try not to be offended,” Y/n teased.

Keanu chuckled, “I never said that!” He defended, “I....your voice was very missed.”

“Okay,” Y/n pulled on the edge of her desk, bring herself closer to the white varnished oak table, barely looking at the work laid out on her computer as she continued talking to Keanu, “So what’s up?”

“I was just wondering....” Keanu trailed off, not really understanding why he was so nervous. That was the kind of thing you did with a girlfriend right? Take her out for Valentine’s Day? Keanu always liked the idea of the unofficial holiday; spoiling the person you loved, just because, and that year, for the first time in a while, he’d have someone to spend it with. Though, ever since he had started looking into things they could do together, there was a lingering uncertainty that gnawed at him; telling him that it was too soon to expect that much. Still, he had somehow mustered up the courage to ask her, or rather, muster up the courage to decide that he’d ask her eventually, “Maybe we should talk about this in person?”

“Why?” Y/n scrunched up her nose, standing abruptly to walk over to the window behind her desk, heels clicking softly on the tiles. The view of the city from her office never proved to be disappointing; working in the heart of the city meant that something was always happening on the street nearly fifteen stories below; entertainers putting on gleeful performances, random filming for movies or television shows and on a rare occasion, a fight spilling out from a bar in the middle of the day. On that day, there were costumed dancers on the pavement and a crowd had gathered around them, though Y/n could barely pay them any attention, too caught up in trying to siphon Keanu’s words out of him, “You called to tell me something, so just tell me.”

“Yeah, but, wouldn’t you prefer to talk in person?” He paused and Y/n could almost imagine him sitting across from her, biting his lip in hesitation, “It’s about Friday.”

“Friday? What’s Friday?” Suddenly, she was racking her brain, trying to remember was significance the coming Friday could possibly hold. His birthday was in September, so  wasn’t that it. It definitely wasn’t hers. As far as Y/n was concerned, Friday was just a regular, run-of-the-mill start of the much anticipated weekend.

Again, Keanu hesitated before speaking, “The 14th. Valentine’s day. You didn’t remember,” he huffed quietly, sounding defeated.

“I.....no....I just....” Despite her efforts, Y/n couldn't find a viable excuse, because really, she had forgotten, “I didn’t. I’m sorry,” she sighed, shaking her head. Usually on Valentine's day, it would just be her and Julie watching implausible rom-coms over chocolate and wine, but just a couple weeks prior, Julie had thrown herself into helping an author turn his book into a script and Y/n had been so busy, juggling different projects; most of her down time had been spent with Keanu and he hadn’t even mentioned Valentine’s until then. Besides, it had never been her favorite day either; overpriced flowers, dinner packages that cost triple the amount of the meal. To Y/n it was all just a marketing scheme to get people to spend more money than they needed to and people acting all mushy and overly-sentimental in a way that typically made her cringe was just an unfortunate bonus. It was safe to say that she wasn’t a romantic at heart. “That’s what you wanted to talk about?” Y/n finally continued casually, filling the silence.

“It is,” Keanu determined, “I was thinking; we could go out. We could go to a nice place, have dinner, dance if you’re up to it,” he paused for a minute and when Y/n didn’t anything, he continued, “There are some great places that should be fun. Most of them offer the same things, it’s just up to preference, you know? French food versus sushi, that kind of thing. I’d have to make a reservation today though”

Which meant she didn’t have a lot of time to think about it. 

“Oh!” Y/n chuckled nervously, how was she supposed to tell Keanu, who had already started to plan a romantic evening, that she thought Valentine’s day was just an over-commercialized non-sensical day abused by industries across the board. “I don’t know Ke, Valentine’s day isn’t really my thing. Maybe we could just hang out? Watch a movie over take-out?” Even as the words left her mouth, Y/n cringed, there she was, stomping all over his romantic evening so she could sit at home in her pajamas.

Keanu took a while before answering that time, though even when he did, he sounded deflated and disappointed. If there was a way to tell your extremely sweet, romantic-at-heart boyfriend that you didn’t do hearts and flower on a day specifically meant for just that; it certainly wasn’t the way Y/n had just done it. “Yeah, okay. I gotta go Y/n. I’ll pick you up later.” And just like that, without even a hurried good bye, Keanu was gone and Y/n felt like more of a jerk than she ever had.

With a huff and a sigh, she flopped back into her white leather chair, tossing her head back, “Way to be an asshole Y/n,” she mumbled. 

The day had gone by quickly and eventually, Y/n was slipping her laptop back into it’s bag. Keanu had informed her, via text, that he was just about ten minutes away. Of course, after their awkward interaction, she had texted him and told him that she was fine taking a cab or Uber-ing home, but like the perfect gentleman, he had brushed her off, assuring her that he wasn’t upset and that he would still pick her up. Though, when she asked him on a spontaneous lunch date just after that, he had politely declined and Y/n had ultimately gathered that he was in fact, at the very least, disappointed.

So, instead, she had spent lunch on the phone with Julie, trying to find ways to fix things. They had eventually worked one out, and as Y/n spent the rest of her afternoon going through the motions of putting things in place, for the coming Friday, she put her actual work aside. By the time she had chosen a dress online, that would, hopefully, be delivered on Thursday night, and made other necessary preparations, it was just about time to leave.

On the elevator ride down, Y/n sucked in a breath; she had never been good at apologizing, but was willing to do it so she could mend things with Keanu, she hated the idea that he might be upset with her more than she cared about maintaining her pride.

By the time the reflective metal doors slid open, she had already worked out a vague idea of what she was going to say when she saw him. To her surprise though, Y/n found that it would be sooner rather than later, considering he was standing in the downstairs lobby, leaning against the vacant receptionists’ desk. He was dressed in the same thing he had worn that morning; a leather jacket with a plain grey t-shirt underneath along with a dark pair of jeans and his favorite pair of brown, boots. She had learnt that Keanu was very attached to them.

“Hi,” she tried to smile, approaching him slowly, and to her surprise, he pecked her on the lips, offering to take her laptop bag, “Thanks,” she breathed.

“No problem,” he nodded, already starting to walk towards the automatic doors at the entrance. He seemed quieter than usual, no asking about her day or if she wanted to stop for dinner on the way back to her place, nothing. He did however, still open the passenger door of his sleek black Porsche for her.

She slid in, buckling her seatbelt as he made his way over to the driver’s side. Wordlessly, Keanu peeled away from the curb, easily melding into L.A’s evening traffic, “Are you still staying over tonight?”

“I don’t think so,” Keanu kept his eyes on the road, “I’ll just drop you off and head home.”

“Oh,” she frowned. Y/n’s mind pushed her to speak, and as she battled with her conscience, briefly looking out the window, not in the slightest comforted by the Valentine's day merchandise dominating the storefronts. Everyone seemed to be going all out in anticipation of the day, even at work, a group had organized a gift exchange, something she had made sure to stay clear of, and their marketing department had devised an entire promotion around perfumes as presents for the day. “I’m sorry,” she finally croaked, turning in her seat to face him, “I don’t anything for Valentine’s day and I automatically assumed that we’d just do nothing together. I didn’t realize how important this was to you-”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Keanu shook his head, for the first time since their too short kiss, he glanced at her, his tone soft, “I should be the one apologizing . I sprang that on you, and we haven’t even been together for that long. I didn’t even ask if you wanted to do something, I just thought you would and ran with the idea.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Y/n smiled faintly, putting a hand on his knee, “Keanu, you have every right to want to do something romantic on Valentine’s day; it’s our first one together, I should have been more open to the idea instead of shutting you down. And if we’re a couple, then we need to compromise, like a couple,” taking a deep breath, Y/n smiled giddily, asking, “So, Keanu, will you be my Valentine?”

Chuckling despite himself, Keanu looked at her through the corner of his eye, “You’re serious?”

“Yes, now answer me before I start feeling stupid,” Y/n giggled.

Playfully, he scoffed, “Well I can’t say yes until I know what being your Valentine entails. Or is it top secret?”

Squinting her eyes in indecision, she hummed, “Nah. If you must know, it includes dinner in Beverly Hills, we’ll dress up nice, have some champagne and maybe do some dancing. French food, not sushi, I’ll never eat raw fish.”

“Not a compromise you’re willing to make?” He teased.

“Nope,” she sung, “What do you think, be my Valentine baby?”

Chuckling louder, Keanu nodded, “I’d like that. But I hope you’re not doing this because you think we need to. I’ve been thinking, if what you want is take out and a movie, I can do that; as long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter  what we do.” As they stopped for a red light, Keanu leaned over to kiss her, that time, their lips locking for a bit longer.

“Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work. I spent an hour on hold trying to get that reservation, we eat there, or die trying,” Y/n joked.

“Okay,” he chortled.

“Okay. Oh, but I have one condition, well technically two,” Y/n waited for Keanu to offer her a curious glance before continuing, “No flowers; never buy me flowers. And no expensive gifts.”

“So you’re taking me to dinner at a French restaurant and I can’t buy you something nice?” Keanu huffed, “That doesn’t seem fair,” he pouted.

“It doesn’t have to be expensive to be nice,” Y/n mused, just as they were nearing her building, “I’m sure you'll figure it out.” As Keanu turned into the underground garage, Y/n’s brows furrowed, “You changed your mind about staying over?”

Effortlessly, he pulled into the empty spot next to her car, shutting of the engine, “Yeah, since we’re not doing it on Friday, maybe we can do it tonight, if the offer still stands.”

“It does,” she grinned, letting Keanu take her bags as they got out of his car, “And, coincidentally an offer for dessert just opened up.”

Friday night had come sooner than Y/n had expected and as planned, she was getting ready for her date with Keanu. Unlike the night Y/n had gotten ready for their first date, she was a alone; Julie had informed her that she’d be our with her author friend that night, which was odd, but Y/n didn’t want to pry, yet. 

Finishing up with her make-up, Y/n was about to get into her dress when she received a text from Keanu informing her that he was just getting out of the elevator. Hurriedly, she shrugged on her robe and hurried to the door, “Hi!” She greeted with a kiss, his hands gripping her waist.

“Hey,” Keanu beamed against her lips, “You smell good.”

Y/n giggled, “So do you. And you look amazing,” she mused as they broke. Keanu had switched out jeans for a pair of well-fitting slacks and his black t-shirt looked exceptionally stylish under his deep navy blazer.

“Thanks,” he kissed her again, letting Y/n lead him towards her bedroom so she could finish getting dressed. When she undid the knot in front of her robe, the material fell off her shoulders and he sucked in a breath as she was left standing in nothing but a white lacy bra and matching panties. Next to him, on the bed, was a pink floral dress that he assumed was the new one she had told him about the night before. “Are you sure we have to go?” He watched as she disappeared into the closet briefly, returning with a strappy pair of nude heels.

Y/n chuckled quietly, “We do. I bought that dress specifically for tonight.” Keanu made a humorous noise of mock defeat and Y/n just laughed as she slipped into the dress. “Zip me?” She asked, going to stand in front of Keanu. Wordlessly, he stood, pressing a hand low on the small of her back as he dragged the zipper up.

“I like this,” he smiled behind her, kissing the top of her head.

“The dress?” She inquired quietly, turning to face him, his hands still on her.

“No,” he shook his head, furrowing his brows, “I mean yes, it looks great on you,” Keanu smiled, taking her in; the silky material went down to her ankles, with loose ruffles at the neckline and hem and a stylish knot at the waist. “ You look amazing, but I meant that I like watching you get ready; it’s....nice.”

Y/n’s smile faltered and for a second, their new relationship felt all to real. Watching a significant other get ready, that was something so....invested. She couldn’t really pin point how, but somehow, it suddenly dawned on her that their relationship was getting very serious very quickly. Though the thought frightened her, it was gone almost as quickly as it came and all Y/n could do was smile and move on to getting into her shoes.

“Ready?” Keanu asked when he thought she was finished.

“Ready,” Y/n confirmed, taking his arm as they left her apartment. 

The restaurant was marvelous; the elegant décor contained within stylish stone walls lined with decorative bottles of wine. Crystal chandeliers hung from the high ceiling, emitting a light dim enough to perfectly compliment the romantic ambiance created by the soft violin music. Y/n and Keanu’s table was on the back patio, where a manmade pond ran under a wooden bridge, colorful fishes swimming the length. 

The menu was prefixed, accompanied by complementary champagne and wine. They sat close together, their chairs pulled close so Keanu’s arm could drape around Y/n’s shoulders as they spoke softly. They were halfway through their dessert when Keanu shifted to get something out of his pocket, “I got you something,” he smiled.

“So you mastered the art of nice but not expensive?” She raised her eyebrows, anxious to see what he had gotten her.

“Sort of,” Keanu’s hand lingered in his breast pocket on the inside of his jacket, “I figured expensiveness is subjective.”

“Oh?” Y/n scrunched her face, amused, “I’m not following.”

Without another word, Keanu produced a rectangular velvet box held closed by a red silk ribbon, “Before you say anything, open it. Please?”

Against a dark cushion, sat one of the most beautiful necklaces that Y/n had ever seen. A simple, heart shaped diamond, probably just a little bigger than her thumb nail, hung from a thing white gold chain, glittering in the mood lighting. Y/n smiled despite herself, “Ke,” she breathed, “This is beautiful.”

“You like it?” He inquired; hopeful.

“Of course,” she sighed breathily, meeting his eyes, “But I can’t accept this. We agreed on nothing expensive and this must have cost a fortune.”

Reaching over to lift it out of the box, Keanu spoke as he undid the back clasp, “I told you, expensiveness is subjective. Besides, it could be worth a million dollars and it wouldn’t be enough to show you how I feel. You like it, and that’s what matters.”

“Thank you,” Y/n submitted, blushing as Keanu’s hands brushed the back of her neck, “It’s perfect,” she kissed him, her fingers going to the gorgeous diamond that now sat comfortably under the hollow of her throat.

“I’m glad you like it,” he said, and for a minute, his lips quivered as if he wanted to say more, though, in the distance a scuffle broke out; two hulking security guards arguing with a couple men. Neither of them could hear what they were saying, but it didn’t matter because not long after, they hoisted up by the back of their collars and dragged away.

“What the hell was that?” Y/n sat up straighter, trying to catch a glimpse of what was going on, but still not able to understand the cause of the commotion was all about.

Immediately, Keanu had his suspicions, though, he didn’t want to worry Y/n without being sure, so instead, he just brushed it off, “It’s probably nothing, why don’t we just finish up here?”

Already dismissing the issue, her sweet smile reemerging, “Okay, sure,” she pecked his cheeks, his scuffle tickling her lips, “Thank you again for the beautiful necklace.”

When the valet brought his car around, Keanu held the door open for Y/n, his hand on the small of her back as she got in. Just as Y/n was about to duck into the vehicle though, a sudden flash from across the street distracted , but by the time she was looking up again, it was gone, “Come on babe, it’s late.”

Giggling, Y/n rolled her eyes, especially when Keanu bent in to help her get strapped into her seat belt faster, “Someone’s in a hurry,” she teased lightly.

“Yeah, well its Valentine’s day; I want to be alone with my lady,” with one final kiss, Keanu shut the passenger door, jogging to his side of the car after tipping the valet. Without a second to spare after getting in, Keanu was pulling off, navigating traffic with a bit more haste that usual. “I was thinking,” he began when the restaurant was far out of sight, “We could go back to my place instead, if you want,” after all, it was closer, and with all the security that his neighbors had, it was less likely that some would try something there.

“Sure,” Y/n nodded. It was Friday, and she didn’t have to work the next day, so it would be a welcome change of pace.

“Great,” he smiled, though something in the gesture seemed less genuine, like he was faking it. Keanu put a hand on Y/n’s thigh, gently squeezing as his other remained on the wheel.

“Everything okay?” Y/n asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he offered her another tight smile, “You?”

“I’m good, Keanu,” Y/n chortled, “Tonight was nice, I’m glad we did this.”

Nodding absently, Keanu barely glanced Y/n’s way; instead, his gaze occasionally shifted from the road to the rearview mirror, “It was. We’re almost there, okay?” He assured, though, it really sounded like he was trying to reassure himself.

“Okay, no rush,” Y/n put her hand over Keanu’s.

With the speed he was going at, the ride to Keanu’s house in Hollywood Hills was nearly cut in half and in what felt like no time, they were secured in his garage; the heavy steel door shutting out the outside. It was only then that Keanu seemed to relax again and Y/n had wanted to ask what had gotten him so flustered back at the restaurant, but something in the back of her mind kept saying that he wouldn’t tell her. 

They entered his place through the side door and Keanu immediately hit a switch on the grey painted wall, illuminating the long hallway. Y/n had only been to Keanu’s place once before, just to spend the night, so she stood there awkwardly waiting on his cue before moving again. “Wine?” He suggested.

“I’d love some,” Y/n obliged, letting him take her hand and lead her towards the kitchen. Keanu’s house was far bigger than her apartment and Y/n thought that if she were to explore it on her own, she might get lost. While when Y/n had first met him, she had taken him for a minimalist, his home easily reflected that Keanu’s tastes favored bold structures while provocative art that stood out against the black and grey décor.

He left her in the living room, returning minutes later with an open bottle of red and two glasses. “Happy Valentine’s day,” he smiled softly.

“Happy Valentine’s day,” Y/n mirrored, clicking her class to his, humming after her first sip. 

Comfortable silence hung between the two for a while, though, eventually, Keanu started fidgeting nervously, toying with the stem of his glass. Discarding her glass on the coffee table, Y/n scooted closer, placing her hand on his thigh, “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah,” Keanu took a large sip from his wine, hesitating again before he spoke. Though, before he did, he took a deep shaking breath and as he shifted to meet her eyes, Y/n felt the air around them change, just like it had the first time they spent the night together. Except that time, her heart started beating erratically and something told her that what they had was about to change, though, she couldn’t decide if it was for the better. Clearing his throat, Keanu set his glass down next to hers, taking her hands, “Y/n,” he began, his breathing a bit heavy, “Back at the restaurant, I...uh..there’s was something I wanted to tell you.”

“Okay,” she nodded, and already, she knew where he was going with that, and she really couldn’t let him. What would she say if he said what he was about to? Y/n didn’t know, but she knew that she couldn’t trust herself to say it back, even if she returned his feelings, it would be reckless to lay their hearts down that soon; they’d just be setting themselves up for heartache. Her nerves bubbled  and Y/n started working out ways to stall, searching for a way to change where things were going. Then it came to her and just like that, before he could say the words, Y/n pounced, crashing her lips to his, definitely catching him off guard. In an instant, she was in his lap, straddling Keanu; one hand pressed to his chest, the other tangled in his hair, “Why don’t we talk tomorrow?” She offered between hot, heavy kisses.

“I really wanted to-”

“Shh,” she said, her lips travelling downwards, her fingers moving to undo his pants as she ground on his lap. She had certainly taken him by surprise, but it didn’t take long before Keanu was responding to her body on his; his arousal pressing into her thigh.

“Are you sure?” He swallowed tightly as Y/n slid off of him, her knees hitting the floor with a soft thud as she urged his pants and underwear to his knees.

“Of course,” she grinned mischievously, “I want to thank you for my beautiful gift,” Y/n winked.

Keanu was about to say something, though he wasn’t sure what, because, before he knew it, Y/n’s lips were around him and the only thing that left his lips after that, wasn’t really the profession he had in mind.

******

Tagging- @harrisongslimited  @baphometwofl666  @kindainlovewithkeanu  @a-really-bi-girl @soarocks

[allie1804-fan]

Please Assist Me (Chapter 15)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8,  Chapter 9, Chapter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14

Warnings : Explicit content

She Said

Having those 2 days with Keanu and no kids was blissful but it still didn’t feel like long enough. We’d got up briefly for lunch but found ourselves back in bed mid afternoon having a serious conversation. The e mail Keanu had received about the Matrix shoot had meant we wanted to make the most of our time to make love without having to keep quiet but it also made it more pressing to talk about whether to tell the kids we were an item, whether he would sleep over at my house at all before going away and how we would deal with being apart.

In normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell the kids. I knew I wanted him in my life but the fact was, he was going to be away, maybe for 4 or even 5 months so I was unsure about him being around a lot for the next few weeks then just as suddenly disappearing.  

“What if you all came with me and we rent a little house over there? You said school is likely to be online for the rest of the year right?”

“Could we even do that? – nobody in Europe wants Americans over there do they? And it would mean me doing all the home schooling and they’d only have each other, none of their friends. I’m sorry but I think it would just be too disruptive for them - we have to stay here, hard as it is”

He looked crestfallen but I think he knew it was a non starter.  

“But please, let’s just tell the kids” he pleaded. I want to spend as much time as I can with you before I go and if they don’t know, that’s gonna be tough.  And I know you said you didn’t want me to just disappear and that is what I will be doing but, in the future ….”

He paused for emphasis, leaving the ‘future’ word hanging in the air

“In the future, we’re going to have to tackle that challenge every time I have a shoot on location so we’ll just use modern technology right? So they know I’m thinking of them and still there for you even if not in person”

I hugged him to me

“OK, OK, you’re right, let’s start as we mean to go on. Why don’t you come for dinner and sleep over tonight?”

“Deal” he replied, hugging me back.

He Said

I could tell Sophia was a little hesitant about telling the children and going all in with me being “official” before I went to Germany but I couldn’t bear to be apart from her any more than strictly necessary and with my job, this wasn’t going to be just a one off problem. If we wanted to make it work into the future, we had to find a way to deal with this from the get-go.

Later that afternoon, I followed her to Miranda’s house to fetch the children, taking my bike so I’d have transport the following day.

Miguel and Eva were thrilled to see me and begged me to prove to the other kids that I was indeed Duke Caboom! It was fun and still not something that happened too often for me, with other characters being the focus of attention more often. It took a while to get away from there,  it being my first time meeting one of the other parents in the bubble and I could tell that news had spread from Julie to Miranda that I wasn’t just Sophia’s boss anymore.

Over dinner Sophia made the announcement to the children that Eva was right that I was now her boyfriend.

“Does that mean you’re going  to be our daddy now” Miguel asked in a matter of fact way.

I shook my head and took a minute to swallow my food.

“No, no I’m not because only your daddy can ever be your daddy. I’ll be around here more and I will do some things with you that dads usually do -  like errm  play games with you or hug you better when you’re hurt,  or give you a ride somewhere but I’m not taking his place. So for example tonight I’m here for dinner and I’ll read one of you a bedtime story and then I’m gonna sleep over and be there in the morning to help your mom get you up and ready for school OK?”

“and are you gonna be in mom’s bed because you’re her boyfriend now” Eva piped up with her older child’s knowledge.

I blushed and let Sophia take that one!

“Yes he is, so no sneaking in during the night - there’s not room for more than 2 in my bed”

“So I’m really looking forward to seeing more of you two but I’m also going to have to work away quite soon because I’m making a film in Germany and I have to stay there until it’s all done but we’ll do video calls until I come home so you don’t forget about me”

The children seemed to take all this in their stride thankfully which was a relief to us both. I hoped things really would run smoothly even though it was going to be tough and kind of an up and down beginning to our relationship.

That night I had my first taste in a very long time of making love as quietly as possible so as to avoid detection. I must have been a teenager when I last had to do that! It did make for quite an intense experience though with Sophia shuddering against me, pressing her mouth into my neck as she came followed by me kissing her hard to contain my moans of delight shortly after her.

My next new experience came at 7 the next morning when the kids basically leapt onto the bed and did a pile-on, excited at a new person being in the family mix. It was a bit of a rude awakening but also one that filled my heart with warm fuzzies to be part of this family unit.

 She Said

The day I’d been dreading had arrived. It was the last day before Keanu was travelling to Germany. It was Julie’s school day so I dropped the  kids with her and headed over to his house. He put on a pot of coffee and pulled me towards him for a kiss. I found myself puckering up to the air though as he held back, letting me make a fool of myself, eyes closed, waiting expectantly for his kiss. It was one of his silly jokes that he’d developed in the past 3 weeks since we’d been together more often. It was funny how much of a goofball he could be as well as so serious and focussed.

I laughed and punched him on arm but as I looked out of the kitchen window, a wave of sadness overtook me.

“Hey what’s up?”

“gahhhh, I just worry that this wonderful time we’ve been having, our laughter, our passion, it’s all just going to make the next few months  even harder……..”

He gently placed his hands on my upper arms then, looking me seriously in the eyes. He seemed ready to give me a proper talking to!

“But Sophia  sweetheart,  the alternative sucks right? I tell you, I am done with closing myself off to love to protect myself, life’s just too short” He paused for a moment “And I do love you”

“You do?”

“Yes!”

“I love you too!” I know my tone was perhaps inappropriately sad, but I was just feeling so wretched about him going.

“Hey, but that’s a good thing right? That it’s mutual?”

I nodded and let him pull me into his arms and hold me tight.

 He Said

It was an odd moment when we said those three little words. With my impending departure, it just seemed to make Sophia all the more heartbroken that I was leaving just at this moment.

I felt her shake against me uncontrollably  and let her wet my shirt with her tears for  a while.

Then I decided to use the weapon of kisses and positive words to try and pull her out of it.

First I put my fingers under her chin, encouraging her to look at me.

“Please don’t cry” which I followed with a gentle kiss.

“It will be ok”  - another kiss.

“It will fly by, I promise” another kiss.

“I’m just going to miss you so much!” she whispered.

“Me too” – I got in yet another kiss.

“Come with me, let’s make the most of this day huh?, let me make love to you. Let’s make something beautiful for the memory bank.”

I was as slow and tender and as passionate as I knew how to be that day.  We stroked, hugged, and kissed; we fucked and we made love. We tasted and savoured each other during those precious moments, until we eventually lay exhausted in a tangle of limbs and sheets.

“I wish I hadn’t waited so long to wake up and realise how I felt about you  - I’ve wanted you for so long and now I know we both just wish we could press pause  - but I have to go”

“I know, but you’re right. We’ll get through it, it will be hard  but we’ll come out the other side”

I laughed at her new-found optimism.

“Are we trading places on who’s O for optimistic and who’s H for heartbroken?”

She giggled at that and agreed.

“Let’s try to both be at O for a while, OK?”

“Deal”

We held each other tight for a long time after that, committing everything about each other to memory to see us through until my return in the winter.

I managed to stay at O until later that evening, alone again and finishing my packing before the car came and found she had snuck in a copy of “Persuasion” by Jane Austen to my carry on. She had been shocked that I hadn’t read it even though it was this major plot point in ‘The Lake House’. She had banked on my being thorough enough in my preparation to actually read it but I confessed I hadn’t.  I couldn’t help the tears that came then  - we were so alike! I had prepared a little reading package for her too which I would leave in the kitchen for her to discover when she came to  feed the fish. It was a volume of love poems in the original Spanish by Neruda and another book to help in her journey of discovery of Dostoyevsky, ‘The Idiot’

I hoped these tokens of affection would help us each get through the next few months but at that moment I was heartsore at the prospect.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles  

[horansqueenandpaynesqueen]

Next-Door Neighbours : Chapter Eleven

A Liam Fanfic, A Niall Fanfic, MA Rating

New neighbours, new drama. Sometimes what you need is the last thing you’re looking for.

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 ||

+NOTES+

1- This fic is written by Julie ( @paynesqueen​ ) & Livia ( @horansqueen​ ) 2- Julie will write the odd chapters and Livia the even chapters 3- This fic will have romance, drama and smut.

Chapter Eleven by Julie (paynesqueen)

It was everything she thought it would be like and she hated that; she wished he had been a bad kisser or that there wouldn’t have been any sparks when he kissed her. But the moment his lips crashed on hers, she was lost. The kiss was long due and it showed as he pulled her to him and she just melted into it. It took a moment before she finally pushed him away and succeeded to put some distance between.

“This can’t happen again, Liam.” She said licking her lips. “You’re with Lisa and that’s that.”

“Just like that? Julie there is something between us. Aren’t you just a bit curious to see where it could lead? Why do you always have to be scared of what you can’t control?” He exclaimed annoyed with her reluctance.

“This isn’t about that, Liam. If things would have been different maybe we could... but now we can’t. We just can’t.”

“Give me one good reason that isn’t because I’m with Lisa. As much as it would suck for me to dump her days after getting back together, I think that you’re making this a bigger issue than it is.” He argued.

“Because I helped Lisa winning you back.” She shouted.

For a moment, Liam just stared at her without saying anything. He expected a lot of replies from her, but never this one. He was trying to make sense of what she just said. There was no way she could have done what she said, right?

“H-how?” That’s all he could let out.

“She came by the building a few days after you moved in. She introduced herself to me wondering if I knew who you were. Told her yes and that we were sort of like new friends. We ended up talking and she told me what happened between the two of you and she really wanted you back so I offered to help her. I mean, I didn’t tell her what to do or say, but I tried to give her some advices.” She answered him as she paced the sidewalk.

He grabbed her hand to stop her and she looked at him. He didn’t ask why she did because he knew the reasons; the same reasons she has given him since they first met: she didn’t believe in relationships.

“Imagine you dumping her and she ends up finding out it was because of me. No, I can’t be the reason you decided to end things. You need to go through with that second chance, Liam. I don’t know the future, but I know Lisa and you deserve to see it to the end; no matter what is that end. That’s why this can’t happen again.”

She withdrew her hand from his and ran into the building. He just stood there watching her until he could no longer see her. He understood her point of view, but it didn’t matter. He wanted to be with Julie and that no matter what happened, he knew his future wasn’t going to be with Lisa. He took out his cell and dialled the number he knew by heart.

++++

A few days had passed and Julie felt like a car had run over her. She had called in sick not feeling like being surrounded by people, especially happy couples booking their romantic getaway. Yes, it was petty but right now, she just felt numb and didn’t want to deal with anything. She hated feeling this way for a guy she had known for a short period of time. She was sitting on the couch just staring in space when her sister appeared in her view. Livia had been trying to get her to talk, but she clammed up. She wasn’t ready to talk about the mess she was in; a mess she created but still.

“I could cancel you know. Louis would understand.”

If Livia ended up not going to this weekend getaway with Louis because of her, her best friend was so going to kill her. Plus, she really didn’t need a sitter. Being alone was what she did best after all.

“No. You are going with Louis. I’m a big girl, Liv. I’ll get over it.” She assured her.

“Julz, I have never seen you like this before and even though I know its normal behavior, it’s scarier when it comes from a sister who always acted like she had a cold heart.” She had argued.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Just need some time for myself. I’ll be back to be the cold hearted one before you know it.”

“I hope not. I want you to be happy and I think it’s time that you let someone make you happy. I mean, maybe it won’t be Liam, but you deserve someone who will sweep you off your feet.”

“So do you, sis. I hope you find the answer you’re searching for.” Julie replied before hugging her. “Now go before Louis actually believes you changed your mind.”

And with that, Livia was gone and now the apartment felt emptier. She sat on the couch wondering which movie marathon she was going to indulge herself with for the weekend when her phone rang. She saw Liam’s name on it and she quickly turned off her cell. Liam had called her a few times since that night, but she ignored each of his calls.

She needed time to be able to pull herself back into some kind of protective shell. She was willing to admit that she often wanted to say screw it and just go to Liam and ask him to break things up with Lisa, but she restrained herself. She felt like she was punishing herself for her role in this story. Perhaps if she hadn’t been so afraid of what he could do to her walls, maybe she and Liam would be somewhat casually dating right now or maybe not. Maybe they would have slept together and be done with it.

She was debating between eating ice cream and making a pizza when there was a knock on the door. When she opened it, she stood there frozen.

“Hey Julie!” Lisa said. “Mind if I come in?”

Julie’s heart was suddenly beating faster and as she tried to put on her poker face, she let Liam’s girlfriend in. She wasn’t sure what she was doing at her place and she really hoped it wasn’t for more advices because she didn’t think she would be able to do so.

“What’s going on?”

“Liam broke up with me because of you.” She went straight to the point.

“I-”

“Don’t bother with you didn’t do anything and all that crap. I know you didn’t. It is how it is and Liam explained to me your situation. I mean, I can’t blame you for falling for Liam no more than I can blame you because Liam fell for you. I just wanted to make things clear with you.” She added. “We talked for hours after he told me and I realized that we both held on to this second chance for the wrong reasons. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or that I no longer love him, but I think that this second chance was never meant to be.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Look Julie I’m not gonna lie that when he told me why he was breaking up with me, I was mad at you. I was ready to come here and hit you for lying to me. I was fucking upset about it, but Liam explained to me and I’m not saying that I’m totally cool with you, but I can understand your reasons for helping me.” She sighed. “By helping me, you were helping yourself to avoid having to deal with your feelings.”

“When I helped you, Lisa, I didn’t even know what I felt for Liam. To be honest, I knew it was stronger than what I usually allowed myself to feel, but I didn’t know just how much. When you came to me, I only knew him for a few days and the way he spoke about you, I knew he still loved you so I thought it was my chance to make sure I wouldn’t have to find out. It hit me pretty hard just how much I did care about him when I learned you two got back together. I’m still not sure what to do with it. I didn’t want to be the reason you two broke-up.”

Lisa let out a small laugh; “But you are. I mean, he told me how you fought him about how he should be staying with me and all that crap, but in the end, it wouldn’t have done us any good to continue being together when all he thought about was you. I know you wanted to do the right thing, but honestly, if Liam hadn’t decided to ignore your demand, we might have had a worse break-up than the first one.”

She might have been right, but Julie really believed in what she told Liam that night. Right now, she wasn’t sure if she was happy or sad that he didn’t listen to her. She felt so exposed and she didn’t like it one bit. She wasn’t used anymore to show her raw emotions.

“Look, I’m not here to give you my blessings because it’s really isn’t up to me what happens next between you two, but I wanted to let you know that I knew. Because knowing Liam, he was probably going to forget to tell you that and I feared that you wouldn’t give him a chance if you thought you were betraying me or something.” Lisa went on. “So overall, the reason why I came over is to make sure that all of this wasn’t for nothing.”

Julie looked down at her hands because she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know whether she was relief or not that it was all in the open like this.

“I don’t know what happened to you or if something happened to you for you to fear relationships so badly, but if there is only one advice I can give you is that Liam is worth getting over your fear. So next time, just answer his calls or better yet, go to him.”

And with that Lisa left her apartment. Julie stood in the middle of her living room for a while after she was gone. For the first time since she met Liam, there was nothing actually stopping her from pursuing this besides her own fears. But Lisa was probably right; she should give Liam a chance. Maybe it wasn’t going to last since the sexual tension had been so present that maybe once it’s gone, Liam and her won’t have anything left keeping them together. She snorted, slightly aware that she was sure fishing for a new reason to not go knock on his door.

“I guess if I’m going to see Liam, I better shower.”

++++

Liam was growing more and more impatient, but Lisa told him to trust her and even though most normal guys wouldn’t trust their ex-girlfriends to help out, he trusted Lisa. He just hated not knowing how she planned to help him out with Julie. He called Julie quite a few times since that kiss and each time, he wanted to tell her that it was over with Lisa; that he chose her, but he didn’t want it to be said over the some voicemail. He wanted to tell her in person.

Telling Lisa everything had been hard. It was a really long conversation that he hopes he never has to redo. He could tell that she went through a lot of emotions. She cussed him and she cried and eventually, she seemed somewhat at peace with his decision. It was probably the most honest talk they ever had. He hadn’t asked for her help with Julie, but she insisted. She promised that she wasn’t trying to double cross him and he believed her. A part of him would always love her that’s for sure, but his heart was fully open for a new beginning; one he hoped was going to be with Julie.

He was seconds of just saying fuck off and going to knock on Julie’s door when there was a knock on his. He never got up so quickly in his life to answer the door. Julie stood on the other side looking so unsure that it made him feel even more nervous of the outcome.

“Hi!” She said. “Can I come in?”

He didn’t say anything, but he opened the door wider and she came in. She looked so unease that he feared why she was there.

“Lisa came to see me today.” She finally spoke. “Told me you told her that I was the reason you were breaking up with her which I might say was really a stupid move of your part.”

“I’m so-” He started and then realized he was not sorry. He had said what he had said; “No, I’m not sorry actually. You were once again deciding what you thought was best for me without even thinking that maybe continuing my relationship with Lisa was a big mistake. I’m crazy about you or at least you drive me enough crazy that you’re all I’m thinking about. I don’t know what the future looks like. Maybe in a week, we would be both bored out of our mind with each other, but I’d like to try and see where it could lead us. So no, I’m really am not sorry that I broke up with Lisa and told her the reason why.”

She didn’t say anything and he hated it. He couldn’t read her face at that moment and it felt like an eternity before she finally did something. As she wrapped her arms around his neck, she let her gesture say what she couldn’t say. When she pulled his face towards her, he showed no resistance; wanting this kiss as much as her. This kiss was just as intense, as demanding as their first one. His hands found their way around her waist and closing any gap that could still be between their bodies, deepening the kiss. Soon enough though, he needed more than just kiss her and he was fairly certain that she felt the same way. He lowered his hand until they reached her bum and in a quick movement, lifted her from the ground. With some uncoordinated moves, he succeeded to bring them to his bedroom where he lowered them on the bed.

He groaned against her mouth as he was dry humping her like an eager teenager. He wanted her so badly that he didn’t know where to start. He wanted to be inside her so much, but he also wanted her to beg for him. She seemed just has in a hurry as him to get this started as her hands grabbed the hem of his shirt to pull it off.

He pulled away to help out and as he looked at her, he knew he needed to hear her say the words. He needed to know for sure if only to know that this wasn’t a one-time thing.

“So we are trying?”

“We’re trying.” She smiled before pulling him back over her.

[luvdsc]

hey!! it’s 🧋 anon!! i hope you’re doing well! thank you!! ive got 11 more exams this coming week so i’m a lil 🥲 and then 3 more maybe the week after? exactly! i was so paranoid in the exam like “am i suddenly smart or a grade a idiot?” but it’s comforting to know that others feel the same about tests in general 😅. i’m learning python! i know there are better languages but ehhhh it’s just high school sjdnndn. and thank you about my bias choice sjsjndn. oh no not the 10th floor 😭 i’ve heard horror stories 🤧 i just can’t get over how sweet, funny and gentle he seemed in the jolly interview 🥺. thank you!! for letting me claim 🧋! and i wish i could say the same about not knowing that it was released but i’ve legit been checking since pre-quarantine for a boba emoji bc emojipedia said it would be coming out 😭 i had to start claiming it soon bc i’m NOT letting someone take it from me 😠 (but also! look how cute these are: 🦤🦭🐻‍❄️🐈‍⬛ ). as for my regular boba order, i’m still a lil new to the boba world bc i first (finally) tried it like 2 weeks before quarantine 😭. so everytime i go to this boba place (which is hardly ever for obvious reasons) i try to get something different! bc it all seems so cool!! the place i go to has popping bubbles in different flavours! so i always try to get a different drink with different popping bubbles and regular boba. i think my favourite so far is any drink (maybe mango?) with apple popping bubbles and boba!! but i’ve also been making boba at home for agessss and i usually just make regular tea or green tea with it! 💗

awww 😭 thank you ma’am sksndjdj. i mean, you do give off very motherly energy so i’ll happily accept being a baby 🥺 awww you think my accent is cute? ms cat i’m blushing 😭🥺 oof yeah the exams are not fun™️. but like you said, it does kinda prepare us for them more but the stresssssss is 🥲😭 okay so i’ll answer these in order if that’s okay?

do you still have class going on in between these exams? i assume you mean specifically when we have exams? so unfortunately yeah😭 it depends on the teacher as to wether they’ll let us revise in lesson or if we have to do regular work

do the gcse’s determine your college field of study afterwards? kinda? i mean, colleges have a minimum enterance requrement for courses. although it varies course to course, it’s usually somewhere around the 4-5 (high c-low b) mark. but you can do any course you want at college as long as you have passes in most subjects (usually an emphasis on core subjects (english, maths and science)). (so like, if you didn’t do history in high school, but you wanted to do it in college, then you could do the course as long as you meet the courses’ gcse grade requirements).

is college different from uni? yeah! college is for 2 years and straight after high school. in england you legally have to be in education until you’re 18, so all education is free until then, meaning that college is free! (unless you want to go back to do something else later in life). uni is after college and is optional. that’s where you get things like a bachelor’s, masters and doctoral degree. usually it’s for 3 years although it can vary and you have to pay! we have a student loan system too!

don’t worry about the questions! i enjoy the differences too sjdbbdd. and oooo! here, high school is 11-16/year 7-11, then college is (usually) 16-18/year 12-13 (although we don’t tend to refer to them by years) and uni is (usually) 19-22! (although you tend to go back to that for higher qualifications).

ansnsekndj i’m sorry ms cat 😭 and for me college will start in september of next year! we finish year 11 really early compared to the other years (usually we finish in july (my birthday month!!) but in year 11 we finish the day our last exam happens! which is usually around the end of may to the start of june!) so the holiday is the longest we’ll ever have 😭. that’s one of the reasons i envy americans because the summer breaks are SO long 😭 here, they’re 6 weeks sksndn.

i hope i answered all of your questions ms cat! ily! 🐈‍⬛💗~🧋

hi, lovebug!!! 💓 i’m going to put my answers under the cut since they got pretty long 🤧

i’m doing good!! i got soo much sleep over the weekend and am well rested, so this means tomorrow’s 6 am meeting won’t be too bad 🤧 YOU HAVE ELEVEN EXAMS THIS WEEK???? what on earth 😭 that’s like 2 per day and one day has 3 aksjlhflajkdfaskdjf why don’t they spread them out??? and three more the following week 💀💀 this sounds absolutely brutal, i’m so sorry, lovebug. have you been studying for all of them? LOL yeah, i feel like something is wrong if i can just breeze through a test akjdlhsflask python is a good start and easy to understand! honestly, most codes are pretty similar tbh, so once you get a good grasp of one, it’s easy to learn the other ones :’) do you enjoy cs? 💕 aldskjfaslk yeah, jaehyun does seem like the perfect boyfriend, doesn’t he? 🤧💘 LOL i heard there would be a boba emoji, but i didn’t know if it was true or not, but woooo it’s good to know it’s finally here!! 🥳 and omg the dodo bird and seal emojis 🥺💗 those are all sooo cute!!! aslhfdlkjasd first time trying boba, i just gasped out loud 😦 i’m so happy to hear that you enjoyed it once you tried it though! 💜 omg the popping bubbles are really yummy! and i LOVE mango!!! 🤩 that’s one of my favorite fruits :’) same with apple!! omg you’re making boba at home asdjhfas i’m so jealous 🤧 i haven’t had any boba ever since quarantine started in march 😭 aaaah i loooove green tea and black tea ones :’) have you tried the cheese boba tea before? i thought it wasn’t going to be that good, but i was pleasantly surprised with the taste, like it wasn’t that bad actually. cloud tea is also really nice, too ☁️💞

akjashdlfkja you are the absolute cutest omg 🥺💖 the british accent is sooo nice like wow, you can just be reading me your grocery lists and i’m like 🤩 amazing, perfect, wonderful, never been done before. meanwhile, i’m here with some kind of american valley girl accent LOL 🤧 you shouldn’t be having that much stress at 15 what the heck 😭 i wish they would cut down on the number of exams for you because having 11 in one week is not okay at all ): and oh my goodness, thank you sooo much for giving me such thorough answers to all my questions, honey bee 🥺💛💛✨

ah, we also have classes going on during exams too, so i can relate unfortunately. it really sucks when the teachers continue to teach new material, instead of helping you prepare for the big exams /:

ooo i see!! i think it’s really cool that colleges actually show minimum requirements for acceptance. here, there’s no set criteria at all, so it’s kind of a shot in the dark. they do post the averages of past students’ grades/scores and whatnot, so we have a vague idea of what each school wants, but some schools are weird af, like my friend with a lower gpa and less extracurriculars got into stanford university, meanwhile my one friend who won essentially the youth’s version of the nobel prize and was even acknowledged by obama during his presidency was waitlisted 😬

oh wow, i wish it was like that here :o education is so expensive in the US, like student debt is the norm. do you still have general education classes in college, or is this where you can choose a specific field of study? and university is only 3 years oh my gosh wow, only three years of tuition to pay!! the US could never /: it’s like 70k/year for private universities, 5k-15k/year for public schools in state, and 15k-35k/year for public schools if you’re out of state 💀

the words “college” and “university” are pretty much interchangeable here in the US, so that’s really cool to know! years 6-8 / ages 11-13 (i think that’s the age range?) is considered middle school here, so it’s interesting to see that some of those years are considered high school for you :o

ooo ok, that’s when my school years ended too back in high school! i ended in may and started school again in august. but in uni, i started in september and ended mid june :’) ah yes, our summers are around 2-3 months, and i really miss having that now that i’m out of school 😭 only 6 weeks??? that’s so short omg i’m so sorry ): do you have anything fun planned for your summer? also, do you have prom there? 💕

thank you soooo so much, sweetpea, you answered all of my questions so nicely, and i appreciate you so much 💝💝 ily too, and i hope you have a good week ahead, angel!!! 💖🌷

[cromulentbookreview]

Cinderella! Dead?

And by that, I mean:

Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron!

I do love the Brothers Grimm fairy tales, because, well, all German students cut their teeth translating bits and pieces of the the Kinder- und Hausmärchen. You have never known true suffering until you’ve had to come up with an original translation for bits of Schneewittchen or Rotkäppchen. Oh the horror. I mean, it’s not as bad as doing original translations of Goethe, and definitely not as fun as translating Struwwelpeter - and that was only fun because I was the only person in my class who got that the stories were meant to be a satire on contemporary children’s morality tales. I mean, Mark Twain did his own English translation! The original byline was Lustige Geschichten und drollige Bilder mit 15 schön kolorierten Tafeln für Kinder von 3–6 Jahren (funny stories and amusing pictures with 15 color panels for children ages 3-6). Once you see the Struwwelpeter stories as parodies of sickly sweet moral lessons for kids, it’s pretty clear that the actual lesson of the Struwwelpeter story (don’t suck your thumbs or else a crazy dude with scissors will literally cut them off your hands) is more dark humor than actual story to teach your kids a lesson and - 

Wait, where am I?

Oh. Yes. A blog where I review books. I should probably get on that.

So yes, Cinderella! A story known the world over, with thousands upon thousands of different versions across the globe. The oldest known being the tale of Rhodopis from ancient Greece, and the story of Ye Xian from China that dates back to the AD 860-850 or thereabouts, which itself is similar to stories found around Southeast Asia, like the story of Bawang merah dan bawang putih or the Vietnamese story of Tấm Cám and shit I wandered off again. Sorry. Fairy tale history is quite fascinating. Anyway, the first European version of the Cinderella story was published in Italy in 1634, but the story that we know best mostly comes from the 1697 French version by Charles Perrault in his Histoires ou contes du temps passé, avec des moralités (don’t look at me, I learned German, remember?). Perrault’s Cinderella story, Cendrillon ou la petite pantoufle de verre (Cinderella and the little glass slipper, thanks wikipedia!) features all of what we know of as the traditional Cinderella story: the evil stepmom and stepsisters, the ball, the glass slippers which sound both a) painful and b) super dangerous - seriously, how could you even dance in a glass slipper without breaking them and having shards of glass stuck in your feet à la Die Hard?

Anyway. Cinderella. Very traditional story, mostly French. The Brother’s Grimm version of Cinderella is...weird. Mostly because her name is Aschenputtel, which sounds like something you hack up with a phlegmy cough. (To be fair, though, that’s most German...). There’s also a magic bird instead of a fairy godmother, Aschenputtel’s father is very much alive and doesn’t seem to give two shits about how his new wife and stepdaughters treat his own kid and the slippers are made of gold instead of glass. Gold sounds a sight more comfy than glass, but also super heavy. How can you dance in shoes that weigh roughly 27 pounds / 12.4 kilograms each? That’s assuming that each gold shoe is roughly the same size and density as a standard gold bar and - 

OK. Listen to Rihanna, Cromulent Book Reviewer. Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron!!

In the land of Marsailles, Cinderella is dead, and has been for the past 200 years. Her story hasn’t just become canon - it’s become law. Every year all girls at the age of sixteen must attend the mandatory royal ball, where the men are allowed to oogle them and pick out which one they want as a wife. The girls don’t get a choice in who picks them - once you’re selected by a man, you’re his, and if no one picks you, well...you’re only allowed to attend the royal ball three times before your family has to surrender you as a “forfeit.” Forfeits are never seen or heard from again. Attending the ball more than once is considered an embarrassment. And if you don’t want to get picked? Too bad. The girls of Marsailles have no choice - non-attendance will get you thrown in prison, and likely executed, while their families have all their possessions stripped from them. So...have fun at the meat parade, girls! Fingers crossed you don’t get picked by an abusive prick!

Sophia Grimmins (I see what you did there, Kalynn Bayron) doesn’t want to go to the Ball. All Sophia wants is to marry her best friend, Erin, and be free to have a future with her. But in Marsailles, being gay is not OK. It’s straight relationships only, Cinderella married a prince, and therefore, women can only marry men. Men marrying men and women marrying women? Forbidden. No not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Instead, go straight to forfeit town. Sophia pleads with Erin to try and escape their hometown of Lille and head off into Belgium the Forbidden Lands. But Erin doesn’t want to escape - she just wants to keep her head down, go through the whole disgusting selection process, and stay safe. Well, as safe as you can with a husband who is brought up to be an abusive, misogynist prick like many men in Marsailles. Seriously, with the exception of like, 3 characters, pretty much all the dudes in Marsailles are the worst. Not just the worst, but like,

Euch. And they’re the worst in a way that all women and girls will immediately recognize. Is it terrible that I’m kind of glad for the current pandemic because mask wearing has cut down the instances of strange men telling me to smile significantly? 

Anyway, the day of the Ball has arrived, and with Erin refusing to escape, Sophia has no other choice - she has to go. Her parents have gone into debt to provide her with the best hair, makeup and dress in order to increase her chances at being chosen. Sophia’s parents know about her feelings for Erin, know that she’s always preferred to have a princess rather than a prince, but even though Sophia pleads with them to do something, anything to get her out of going to the Ball, they refuse. Her parents go full Mandalorian on her, telling her that this is The Way and she’d better just hope for the best. 

Mando would NOT approve.

So Sophia ends up going to the Ball and it’s much worse than she could have expected. The dudes are gross, the king is gross, the whole damned system is gross. 

Unable to stand it, Sophia makes a split-second decision: she’s going to run. She takes off in the middle of the ball, jumps out a window and escapes onto the palace grounds. Running blindly, she finds herself in an overgrown mausoleum which turns out to be the final resting place of Cinderella herself. There, Sophia meets Constance, a descendant of Cinderella’s supposedly evil stepsister, Gabrielle. Constance has been on the run, resisting the king’s awful laws for years. She tells Sophia that everything she’s been taught about Cinderella’s story is a lie. Constance offers Sophia a choice - escape with her and rebel, or return to Lille and face the consequences of fleeing the ball. 

At first, Sophia chooses home. But when her parents make it clear they won’t do much to protect their now outlaw daughter, Sophia meets up with Constance and together they head off into the White Wood in search of Cinderella’s fabled fairy godmother, who may or may not be a witch and who also may or may not be still alive. 

Oh man, I do love me a good story in which badass young women fight against the patriarchy. Cinderella is Dead is such a fun story - well, fun in that the misogyny and injustice rampant in Marsailles is both familiar and super scary, but fun in that Sophia looks that system square in the eye and goes “nope.” Cinderella is Dead is all about the power of story - how something as simple as a fairy tale can be used as a weapon to subjugate not just women and girls, but men and boys as well. The fairy tale made law doesn’t just keep women stuck in the role as princess, but men stuck in the role as prince, even if they, too, would rather run off with a prince than marry the princess. 

Cinderella is Dead starts strong, though it does start to meander in the middle, before speeding up toward the end. Since this is a standalone book (hurray!! No getting suckered into a series this time! More standalones, please!) character development and world building is somewhat lacking, as there’s only so much you can fit into one book and seriously thank God this isn’t the start of another trilogy I have to keep track of, I’ve got way too many trilogies, duologies, quartets and never-ending serieses I have to keep track of right now. Anyway: yes, worldbuilding and character development are a bit shallow, but such is the way with fairy tales, only this fairy tales features a queer young woman of color burning the patriarchy to the ground. And that’s absolutely something I need more of in my life. Now let us go forth and burn the patriarchy, everyone!

RECOMMENDED FOR: All young girls. All of them. Boys, too. Anyone who has ever read a fairy tale, or been forced to translate Grimm fairy tales for German class, or Charles Perrault stories for French class.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone who has ever used the word “feminazi.”

RATING: 3.999 / 5 

BADASSERY RATING: 500,000,000/5

RELEASE DATE: July 7, 2020. So...today! Hurray, I technically got this review done on time! Ahahahahaha the world is on fire what do you want from me.

CINDERELLA RATING:

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG154!

- So, what Mary had left to Gertrude almost 100 episodes ago was indeed Eric’s page:

(MAG062) MARY: I’ve always found a singular devotion far too restrictive. Just ask Eric… or what’s left of him. […] GERTRUDE: And do you have any proof of this? Your… “magic book”. MARY: Yeah. [PAPER RUSTLING] You can keep this page. I made sure it was in English. GERTRUDE: Go– Who… who is it? MARY: A surprise, dear. Just make sure you’re alone when you read it. […] ARCHIVIST: […] Hmm. No… strange skin page. But there is a laptop. And a key. I wonder what it opens. End supplement. [CLICK.]

The Delano-Keays have been present since the beginning of the series (Gerry and Mary were introduced as soon as MAG004) yet were… all already dead when we began to hear Jon record his statements, presumably ending the von Closen line (unless somethingsomething about Albrecht’s two Shiny New Sons mentioned in MAG127). It’s strange, in a way, that it feels like we’re saying goodbye to them through that closure and the reveals of their stories… while we never met them alive? Only through a recording (Mary in MAG062), the recording of a “memory” (Eric’s page in MAG154) and a “memory” (Gerry’s page in MAG111). The three of them bound to the book but never at the same time – Mary binding and ripping Eric’s page before she would bind herself to the book, Gertrude burning Mary’s page before binding Gerry, and Gerry’s page ripped and then burned by Jon at the end of season 3.

- Eric’s VA did a fantastic job, and hhhhhhhhhhh, the way he… sometimes snarled a bit? Drawled? Just the same way Gerry spoke? It just dug the knife a bit further in – Eric and Gerry had the same kind of dry self-deprecating sarcasm about their condition, and you could feel that they sounded alike, that Gerry had taken after his father so much, and that they probably would have adored each other………………… Also noteworthy:

(MAG154) ERIC: … And Gerry? Have you seen my son? […] I chose the option I thought might keep Gerry safe.

Eric never called him “Gerard”, but called him “Gerry” twice. Given that:

(MAG111) ARCHIVIST: Thank you, Gerard. GERARD: Gerry. ARCHIVIST: What? GERRY: Gerard was what my mum called me. [EMBARRASSED CHUCKLE] I always wanted my friends to call me Gerry. ARCHIVIST: Thank you, Gerry. Uh… I dismiss you.

… Did the nickname stick in Gerry’s mind when he was an infant, and this is why he was fond of it…?

(And once again: Jon adopted “Gerry”, and was even mocked for it by Julia last episode… while Gertrude was using “Gerard” in MAG137. Until now, I was working under the assumption that Gertrude just wasn’t a “friend” enough to know about Gerry’s nickname but, no, turns out that she did know about it from Eric. Cold, Gertrude, cold.)

- Oopsies about the fact that Gerard had assumed that his father had been killed in his sleep:

(MAG111) GERARD: I never knew my dad. Not really. He worked in the Archives like you, but quit once I was born. I think he wanted to help raise me. But mum didn’t need the help, and after me she wasn’t able to have kids again, so she killed him in his sleep to practice her bookbinding. I guess she failed. I always thought he was in here, but when I eventually got hold of it, there wasn’t a page in there.

(MAG154) GERTRUDE: “When he opened his eyes, he of course saw nothing; but he heard her breathing, slow, and steady, and focused. [CREEPING STATIC SLOWLY RISING] And he immediately knew that she was finally going to kill him. When the garden shears plunged into his chest, he was surprised by how little actual pain there was – just the sudden feel of moisture on his chest, and the realisation that his body was growing weak, fading away. He wished she would say she was sorry she was doing this, that she loved him, that she would miss him – but he knew better, and his final thought was a gentle sadness at how little he was surprised. [OMINOUS RUMBLE WITH A SIDE OF CRACKLING RISES TO CRESCENDO] And so Eric Delano Ended.”

… he hadn’t been so lucky to stay asleep, uh.

- SO THIS IS WHY GERTRUDE HAD SEARCHED GERRY OUT…

(MAG111) GERRY: In the end it was Gertrude who saved me. She came to me when I was desperate, nowhere to go, and she offered to help. I just had to make sure I took the book while my mum was fading, and brought it to her, and then she would free me. I didn’t really believe her, I don’t think, but I did it anyway. When she returned the book to me a week later, her pages burned and mangled, I think I actually cried with relief. I never even considered that my mum might have taught Gertrude how to make pages for it before she was destroyed.

(MAG154) ERIC: Fine! I… I want two things. GERTRUDE: I’m listening. ERIC: I want you to find my son. If Mary is… if she’s gone, or worse… I want you to make sure he’s alright. GERTRUDE: [HUFF] I’m not exactly a mother figure. ERIC: You could hardly do worse than her. GERTRUDE: Fine. But I don’t know what growing up with Mary has done to him. If he’s… gone rotten, I can’t promise anything. ERIC: I understand. GERTRUDE: I suppose he might be useful. ERIC: Oh, sentimental as ever.

… Except that HUM, Eric made his request on July 2008 and Gerry was still haunted by Mary in autumn 2012 (MAG004) so, hey, Gertrude waited at least four years before making her move.

(Things that happened in-between: Gertrude stopped The Flesh’s ritual (October 2009), The Spiral’s (between October 2009 and 2011) and possibly The Lonely’s in that timeframe. She was already making active preparations to counter The Unknowing in October 2013, so did she end up approaching Gerry mostly because she thought he would be useful…? She mentioned in MAG137 (October 2014) that his connection to The Eye was a key to prevent it… “Sentimental as ever” like Eric said.)

- Aaand that’s what Gertrude meant by Eric’s “footsteps”:

(MAG137) GERTRUDE: Gerard may have a connection to The Eye, but I’m not convinced it will be enough. And I will admit I’ve grown… fond of the boy. I wonder, if I told him about Eric – whether he’d follow in his father’s footsteps. Still, that’s not like it kept Eric safe in The End.

… I had wondered if it was about, uh, falling Very Deep into Beholding. But no. It was about fleeing the heck out of it.

;; Gerry already had his eyes-tattoos before he began working with Gertrude (they had apparently protected him from Diego Molina’s fire in MAG012, there was the painting on the wall in MAG004…) so… If Gerry had known about Eric’s sacrifices and disgust of the Institute, maybe he wouldn’t have given so much of himself to The Eye. And Eric would probably have been so sad to know that, while he had fled from the Institute to care for his son, his son… ultimately had gotten so strongly Beholding-aligned and even more or less worked with the Institute (at least by collaborating with Gertrude)…

Given how Gerry didn’t mention his father’s blindness to Jon: no, Gertrude didn’t “tell him about Eric”. Not a surprise. (Gertruuuuude…)

- Some other bits relevant to the timeline:

* Given that (according to one of the given timelines) Elias joined the Institute in 1991 and became Head in 1996 (MAG049) and that Eric didn’t know about his ~promotion~:

(MAG154) ERIC: […] Wright would have preferred you not to know…! How is he, by the way? GERTRUDE: James? He died about… twelve years ago. Elias is Head of the Institute, now. ERIC: “Elias”? Elias Bouchard, seriously? GERTRUDE: Hm, he has changed a lot. ERIC: Must have!

It means that Eric left between 1991 and 1996. Given that Gerry was very little when Eric died, and a kid/teenager in 2002 (MAG035), it’s possible that Gerry was actually a biiit younger than Jon – who was born around 1987-1988…? ;__;

* So, Eric had left the Institute before 1996… but clearly identified Adelard as Gertrude’s “friend”:

(MAG154) ERIC: She never played dumb when I was stalked by bloated, blood-sucking things, or told me I was “imagining it” when I saw your friend Adelard drop a screaming box into the Thames.

The earliest acknowledgement of Gertrude being in contact with Dekker was during MAG077, recorded in November 1996. She had also mentioned an older statement (either “by” Adelard or where Adelard appeared) from July 1991:

(MAG077) GERTRUDE: Based on the interactions and effects, I suspect this to be the creature that Adelard Dekker refers to as the “NotThem” in statement 9910607. […] Based on Dekker’s statement, it would seem Polaroids are also relatively stable.

(Or February 1991; the “7” had become a “2” in the next episode.) We’re still missing this one, since Jon had found another statement in the file in MAG078. I didn’t have the impression that Gertrude and Adelard were in close contact yet in MAG077 (“Adelard Dekker”, name + last name, implied… some distance) but it looks like, no, they were already close enough for Eric to identify him and link him to Gertrude before 1996.

* Mary had given Eric’s page to Gertrude on the 3rd of July 2008 (MAG062); the recording of Gertrude and Eric is from 21st July 2008 (MAG154). Despite Gertrude’s words, I would have almost expected Gertrude to wait… years, before invoking Eric. On the one hand, she “just” waited 18 days before listening to it; on the other hand… it was indeed a long time already, although she had good suspicions of what and who it was.

The Buried’s ritual attempt, “The Sunken Sky” had taken place on 17th June 2008; so, cheer! When Eric told Gertrude all of this and she didn’t flinch:

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma. […] She never promised anything. Not even in her vows. She never betrayed me. Not like you. She never played dumb when I was stalked by bloated, blood-sucking things, or told me I was “imagining it” when I saw your friend Adelard drop a screaming box into the Thames. She didn’t try to keep me in the dark just so I wouldn’t stop being useful. She never made me complicit in a thousand nightmares, and lives ruined for the sick joy of some otherworldly voyeur. Compared to that… I suppose a few murders were easier to stomach…! […] But I couldn’t be a part of it. Not when I saw what happened to everyone else you involved. I had to get out, to escape this place. I had a son to look after, he needed me! … Or so I thought. And that’s when you turn nasty, isn’t it? When all your… “resources”, they no longer want to serve their purpose. I suppose you didn’t know there was a way out, a way to… escape. But if you had, would you have told me…? […] She laid out her own plans as well; her dreams of power. In many ways, I guess they were no better than yours. But at least, she didn’t bother to hide behind noble aims.

It was just a month after she had sacrificed and dismembered Jan Kilbride to stop The Buried!

* … Gertrude……………

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma. […] And that’s when you turn nasty, isn’t it? When all your… “resources”, they no longer want to serve their purpose. I suppose you didn’t know there was a way out, a way to… escape. But if you had, would you have told me…?

The exchange took place in July 2008 and we know that The Great Twisting didn’t happen before October 2009 (since Deborah Madaki received an invitation to Sannikov Land from Gabriel one week before she gave her statement in MAG126). Which means… that when MAG154 happened, Michael Shelley was still working in the Archives. Would still be for a bit over a year before Gertrude sacrificed him to stop The Spiral’s ritual. It’s not really surprising that Gertrude “there’s ten years yet before I can afford a conscience” Robinson 1°) didn’t share with Michael that she had received a trace of Eric (Michael-The-Distortion did tell Jon that Michael Shelley had been kept ignorant of the spookiness), although they were on good terms, 2°) still ruthlessly sacrificed Michael to stop The Great Twisting despite Eric’s harsh words about her behaviour and motivations, about how they hurt people around her, about how there was absolutely nothing “noble” to them, 3°) didn’t share with Michael that there was a way out of the Archives and acted just like Eric predicted. Indeed, Gertrude learned about it… and didn’t share that knowledge with those who could have benefited from it. Didn’t give them a choice, whether to stay or to leave.

(And, from the depiction of Michael Shelley in MAG101? I am not even sure that he would have chosen to leave.)

- INCREDIBLY, Eric Actually Had The Qualifications for the job:

(MAG154) ERIC: So when I finished my Master’s in Library Science and saw a vacancy at the Magnus Institute, of all places, I jumped at the chance. The chance to pursue my passion and my career at the same time seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up! It was only an “assistant archivist” position, of course, but that was fine. A good entry position, I’d, “I’d soon move on,” I told myself. [HUFF] Yeah… And for the first few years, it was pretty much exactly the job I expected. Longer hours than I hoped, and the Archivist seemed less interested in doing her job than I was; but all told, there were worse places to work.

James Wright’s time… another era. Present-time, Elias hired Jon who doesn’t have any library-science-related diploma (MAG093), and Martin who lied on his CV (MAG056); Sasha, who was more on the computer side of things; Tim, who… actually had a background in a publishing company, so was probably more in his element than the others. Of course Tim and Eric had to die: they were actually competent.

- I like how you could clearly identify Mary as Beholding/End through Eric’s eyes:

(MAG154) ERIC: Then I met Mary. She was like no one I’d ever met before in my life. She was beautiful. Like a… u–uh, like a shark is beautiful. Every movement she made was deliberate, sharp, and her eyes were always focused on something, always watching. And when she looked at me, I always felt afraid. But there was something else. Something under the fear. Something that made me feel very aware of all – my – blood. […] And Mary pushed so hard. Harder, even, than you. But I let her, because… she gave me something I had never before experienced: danger! The things she taught me, had me do… I’d never known anything like it. Whenever I kissed her, it tasted like blood.

That charisma, and also DD: Eric no…

(It’s weird because, first depiction of Mary we got (MAG004), she was already dead and a ghost. First time we heard her: she was already an old woman (MAG062), and quite horrible. Eric’s statement was… hilarious/tragic/sad in the fact that it was partially about how and why he had tried to escape the Archives, and a lot about how he was absolutely taken in (and over) by Mary… but also explained how she was getting her ways. What is it with old women in TMA being dangerous and murderous and domineering and kinda hot? Mary was born around 1946 (MAG062: “I was 9 years old at the time, so it would have been… 1955?”), Gertrude presumably during the late 40s/early 50s (MAG137: “The Risen War failed [in 1942] a few years before I was even born.” + MAG145: “Can’t have been older than… twenty-five.” when she retrieved some of Agnes’s hair in the ashes at Hill Top Road, and the house had burned in 1974 according to MAG008), Agnes was born in the early 60s if she was truly eleven in Ronald’s statement… those were fine years, uh.)

- I have a bit of trouble understanding the status of Eric’s sight, as a ghost/~memory~:

(MAG154) ERIC: I suppose…! Mary used to get me out to bounce ideas off of; talk through her thoughts and theories. Never listened to me, obviously, but… nothing new there. GERTRUDE: Well, it’s… good to see you, I suppose. ERIC: You too. … You got old. GERTRUDE: Better than being dead. ERIC: [HUFF] Fair enough. To be honest, I’m impressed, more than anything. Hard to get old in this business; you either die or you, er… “stay young”. [PAUSE] … How did Mary look? GERTRUDE: [CHUCKLE] She got old, too.

Gertrude didn’t notice that he couldn’t see, and Eric specifically mentioned that Mary had made him “watch” his own dismemberment. The way she initially checked if it was indeed Eric was similar to Jon’s reaction when invoking Gerry in MAG111, so it might be that the people invoked do not have… well-defined or identifiable shape outside of their voices; but then, Mary had been able to recognise ghosts on sight when she was a child observing the doctor (MAG062). And here: on the one hand, Eric noticed Gertrude being old; on the other hand, he asked about Mary (although… it was implied that she hadn’t spoken to him in a while – “used to get me out”). Or is it because Eric doesn’t have any senses left, only… overall perceptions of the world around him, so he was able to see Gertrude because he wasn’t a body anymore…? Or just guessed from her voice that she “sounded” older, therefore had grown old…?

- Crying a bit though, because Eric… was aware of Mary’s doings. Was disillusioned about the fact that no, she had never cared about him. But still had the instinct to:

(MAG154) ERIC: So. Was there anything else? GERTRUDE: No. No, I, I don’t think so. ERIC: Then, if you don’t mind? I think I’d like to go away, now. […] If you see Mary again, tell her– … No. [HUFF] I guess there’s not really anything else to say. [CLICK.]

Eric… (Also YIPS that he was… very fond of Gerry, described Gerry as his main motivation (ANCHOR?) to leave the Archives – not Mary (though that could be a small retconning on his part) – and still… had thought that it was an acceptable idea to have a child with Mary despite knowing full well that she was a serial killer and dangerous. “I chose the option I thought might keep Gerry safe. At least, if I was home with him, I could perhaps… soften the edges of his mother.” Eric, my librarian-with-a-degree, my dude: Gerry didn’t come out of nowhere or only from Mary, the fact that you were aware of who she was and still accepted to bring a child into this mess… ;;) (But then: he was absolutely taken with Mary, uh…)

- ;; What Eric said about Gertrude, mentioning what Mary wasn’t doing to him…

(MAG154) ERIC: She never betrayed me. Not like you. She never played dumb when I was stalked by bloated, blood-sucking things, or told me I was “imagining it” when I saw your friend Adelard drop a screaming box into the Thames. She didn’t try to keep me in the dark just so I wouldn’t stop being useful. She never made me complicit in a thousand nightmares, and lives ruined for the sick joy of some otherworldly voyeur. […] Mary, at least, played straight with me. She knew all about the Institute. And when we were married, when she was sure I could handle it, she laid it all out for me: the Powers, the rituals, all the messy little cogs of the games you play with the universe. She laid out her own plans as well; her dreams of power. In many ways, I guess they were no better than yours. But at least, she didn’t bother to hide behind noble aims. … Maybe that’s why I chose her, in The End. At least she was honest.

… was absolutely a reflection of what Gerry said Mary had done to him:

(MAG111) GERRY: Eventually, I grew old enough and wise enough to see her obsession for what it really was: hubris. She lived her life just carefully enough not to be destroyed by things she studied, but that was it. The things out there weren’t like taming fire, they couldn’t be contained or used for light or warmth. The best you could hope for from them, would be that they don’t spot you, and instead my mum chased after them, obsessed with others who had tried to stare at them without being blinded: y’know, Flamsteed, Smirke, Leitner. Idiots who destroyed themselves chasing a secret that wasn’t worth knowing. And the worst thing was, she marked me as a part of that, without my understanding. Or consent.

So ;; Biased much, Eric, and he still wasn’t able to realise how toxic this relationship was, uh…

(Gerry’s “secret that wasn’t worth knowing” was AOUCH, too, given how… Eric explained how “I always loved ghosts. They fascinated me. Not the rattling chains and horror part of it, of course, but the mystery. The promise of secret knowledge – of seeing something that no one else was privy to. A secret world. It… gripped my imagination.”)

- We’ve known for a while that Gertrude used to have three assistants:

(MAG080) LEITNER: I think she was lonely. I didn’t meet her until about six years ago, after she’d lost the last of her own assistants. She would mention them sometimes. I believe she missed having someone to talk to on occasion. ARCHIVIST: I… I didn’t know Gertrude had assistants. LEITNER: Of course. Three of them, each meeting an unpleasant end.

And we finally have the name of the last one: Emma.

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma.

And there was a time during which they had all worked together… Eric highlighted that it was rare to get old in this business but, surprisingly, Michael Shelley lasted around fifteen years (or more) as Gertrude’s assistant? And still had no clue what was happening? Given how people who came close to Gertrude… didn’t have a lot of positive things to say about it:

(MAG099) ARCHIVIST: Everyone who came close to her… seems like it… it went badly. Her assistants, Gerard, Leitner, Elias, though I don’t think Gertrude had anything to do with his going rotten.

(MAG101) MICHAEL: Even being what I am, I have rarely seen anyone so adept at distorting the truth as Gertrude Robinson. Michael was protective of the frail old woman he believed her to be. So… so delicate, so forgetful, yet gently wise. He cared for her. He trusted her. And she fed him to me. She made him me to destroy our transcendence. And she did not hesitate. […] Gertrude had made sure that all her assistants were ready. That none of them would be suspicious if they were told they were going abroad for work.

(MAG154) ERIC: But I couldn’t be a part of it. Not when I saw what happened to everyone else you involved. I had to get out, to escape this place.

So what happened to Emma…? I feel like likely there has been a trend of Jon reacting to current events&preoccupations as lead-up for his hunting down a statement about it (MAG152, he discussed Jane Prentiss with Helen / MAG153, he read a Corruption statement), so he could try to learn more about “Emma”… I’m pretty sure we had never heard her name before; who is she?

On the one hand, I felt like Eric isolated “Emma” a bit when mentioning her, as if… she was already gone when he left (before 1996). On the other hand, he would have accused Gertrude of her death if Emma had been killed or fed to Spooks when he was still around. So, what happened to her…?

(Three assistants: one sacrificed to stop a ritual (Michael), one escaping for love (Eric, for his son), and one… forgotten? It’s not a clear-cut reproduction with Jon’s era, though we get the 2 men and 1 women dying one after the other: Tim indeed died stopping a ritual too, but you could also say that he died for love (in Danny’s name)… and Martin, like Michael, is heading towards another power. But still. Sasha didn’t have the time to get bitter about Jon; Tim got accusatory, Martin sounds harsher too… just like Michael and Eric, absolutely disillusioned about Gertrude.)

- Alrighty, so, this is only the second time ever we’re hearing about Elias’s predecessor and it came with a few details putting some things into perspective / confirming some theories, and reinforcing some others. The only mention of “James Wright” so far had been in MAG049:

(MAG049) ARCHIVIST: Supplemental. Elias Bouchard is a difficult man to pin down, certainly since he became head of the Institute in 1996, taking over from James Wright, who ran the place from ‘73 until he passed away. It was a remarkably fast climb to the top, as from what I can find, it looks like he only joined the Institute five years before, in 1991, working in the Artefact Storage. Perhaps he was simply that impressive. Certainly, the Elias I know now is almost unmatched in terms of paranormal knowledge. Well. Theoretical knowledge, at least. And yet, everything I found out about his life before the Institute seems… an ill fit with the austere man I know. He apparently graduated with a Third from Christ Church’s College in PPE, and I found an old gossip column in the student newspaper that – sure well – that mentioned him. If I’m not reading too much into it, the implication seems to be that he was… something of a… pothead. [CHUCKLE] Was he… like that when he first came to work here…?

(MAG154) ERIC: Wright would have preferred you not to know…! How is he, by the way? GERTRUDE: James? He died about… twelve years ago. Elias is Head of the Institute, now. ERIC: “Elias”? Elias Bouchard, seriously? GERTRUDE: Hm, he has changed a lot. ERIC: Must have! […] GERTRUDE: So. How did you do it? How did you quit the Archives? ERIC: It was actually really simple. Not easy, but simple. [SCOFF] You’ll kick yourself when I tell you. GERTRUDE: Okay… ERIC: You were almost there, you know, with your theory that James could watch us through any eye, even an illustration. So what did you do? How did you sever that link? GERTRUDE: … My… God! ERIC: I left to avoid dragging my family, my son into this life; to try and look after him. But Mary decided that a newly blinded husband was… simply too much of a burden.

So, confirmations:

* James Wright was Spooky, too, and identified as such by Gertrude – Eric was in the confidence, too.

* This is indeed why Gertrude had been scratching eyes out of her possessions:

(MAG054) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: Supplemental. I broke into Gertrude’s flat. […] Oh. And… I looked through a handful of books on her shelf. They were very well taken care of – with the exception that… any time a person’s face was featured on the cover, their eyes had been cut out, and very carefully removed. End supplement.

(MAG113) ARCHIVIST: Found anything yet? MARTIN: Er… er… Bunch of… eyeless paintings? MELANIE: [JOVIALLY] Snap! Eyeless dolls. Oh, and. Just a lot of shredded newspapers.

Though, it’s not absolutely confirmed that James Wright operated this way (it was Gertrude’s hypothesis), and it doesn’t necessary mean that Elias is also spying on people this way… but it could be how. Elias did admit, twice, that Gertrude had successfully managed to escape his surveillance:

(MAG080) LEITNER: How did you know I was here? ELIAS: I didn’t. You’re very well hidden. But Jon is not, and he failed to take the same precautions I’m sure you took for granted with Gertrude. I knew he was talking to someone.

(MAG102) ARCHIVIST: And you can’t just… See where she put it. ELIAS: She was… She got very good at hiding things from me. ARCHIVIST: How embarrassing for you.

If Elias can see through eyes, whether they’re illustrations/more or less eye-shaped things/actual eyes: AHAHAHA good luck with that, Team Archives. We know from Patreon content that the Institute’s official files and statement bear the Institute’s crest, the owl. Meaning there are eyes everywhere in the Archives.

(You bet that Elias might have ordered mass-produced stationery just to put the logo everywhere. Pens. Papers. Notes. Paperweights. Handkerchiefs. The mug you’re (not) drinking your tea from.)

* Archival Assistants being bound to the Archives is something that predates Elias’s position as Head of the Institute – this is our first confirmation of that fact. And both Gertrude and Michael (since Eric knew him from his Archives days, pre-Elias) survived James Wright’s death. Even though Elias had said that killing the Head of the Institute would mean insta-death for the entire Archival staff. So. It’s possible that there are actually two separate things at work (being bound to the Eye and not being able to quit / being bound to Elias “like fingers on a hand” and dying if he dies), but in any case: either Elias lied on the kill-me-and-it-kills-you bit… either something happened during the transition from James Wright to Elias Bouchard, that allowed a “continuity” that did not kill the Team Archives of the time. Consensual ritual? Body-hopping? Elias backstabbing James and taking his mantle?

* Eric’s tone (disbelief and cracking up) when he learned that “Elias Bouchard” had taken James Wright’s succession Said It All – yeah, Elias was a Known Pothead in his early days at the Institute too, uh. And as Gertrude put it, he “has changed a lot”. Was it a ~natural~ change because people just… tend to change fast at the Institute when they get involved with its spooky parts (people were assuming that Tim was having a breakdown in season 3 and, indeed, if you had known him from his pre-Archives day… he seemed nothing alike. Martin’s and Daisy’s changes compared to their first appearances are also quite jarring) or… something else.

I’m still not on board with the Elias=Jonah theory, because I still feel like… Elias is too dumb… (and restricted: he did lament on his current abilities in MAG102). (And also: because I lovelove the idea that Our Current Elias indeed has that past of being a spoiled rich kid who got his family to buy him a place in uni, and then did nothing except smoke weed, and ended up drifting to the Institute without realising what he was signing up for.)  But I do admit that mm, a LOT of things are piling up giving the idea that something, most likely Jonah, has been body-hopping from one Head of the Institute to another:

(MAG096) DAISY: El–Elias didn’t say. ARCHIVIST: No, he doesn’t, uh… He’s not big on micromanagement. SARAH: It’s Elias now, then? ARCHIVIST: [WHISPERING] What?

(MAG101) NIKOLA: Is it… your Elias who listens? Helloooooo! […] So, Elias, can I call you Elias?, let me set the scene, as I know you can’t actually see this. […] You know Elias, can I call you Elias?, you have not raised this one very well! […] Oh, no, I’m afraid he can’t See, can you Elias?, can I call you Elias? – what’s the point of having a secret place of power if you can’t hide it from a big stupid eye?

(MAG135, Manuela Dominguez) “When you read this, I would consider it a great favour if you could share my words with the Head of your Institute. Tell him that Maxwell Rayner sends his regards and offers… sanctuary. A time of holy Darkness is at hand, when The Eye will close forever, and in the spirit of the friendship they once shared, he offers an opportunity – to surrender.”

(MAG148) BASIRA: What? ARCHIVIST: … I–I don’t know, I mean… We still don’t really know… what Elias actually is…? I thought… Maybe if he was more like me than we realised… BASIRA: He might have some advice? ARCHIVIST: Stupid, I know.

… But as long as it’s not confirmed, I can continue to think about how pretty damn funny it would be for every spook around to be assuming that Elias is actually “Jonah”… when he isn’t. (And maybe it had been the case until Wright, but then, Elias put an end to that.) Elias=Jonah is not the only option anyway – it could be a matter of memory-sharing rather than body-hopping, etc.

(I’m still HYSTERICAl over the fact that back in season 2, Jon’s main theory re: Why Elias Might Be Gertrude’s Murderer was:

(MAG049) ARCHIVIST: The difficulty comes from the fact that the only person in the Institute who worked here before he took over… was Gertrude. Did he… kill her because she knew something about his past? And if so… how can I prove it…?

… because she might have known about his past as a pothead. JON.) (It’s a bit surprising, though, that… past staff didn’t report to the new ones about how ahaha, the current Head used to be Like That when he had begun to work here? It’s indeed like Gertrude was the only link between the old era and another one, when Jon (and Martin? He had worked at the Institute since at least 2009) joined…)

- It had been mentioned in the… season 3 Q&A, I think?, that the tapes were “not neutral”, and we’re still exploring various aspects of this: the tape recorders choosing which scenes we (as listeners) are allowed to hear since they’ve begun to be (officially) autonomous in season 3; the fact that they didn’t bother recording the stories Jon violently tore out from people in season 4, except for Floyd (as Jon put it in MAG147: “I–I mean, I don’t record anything anymore, not… not really, I just… sort of assume they’ll… turn on, if it’s important.”). We had already had cases of Jon listened to some tapes without other options to choose from: he was given whichever Basira was able to sneak out for him back in season 2 (and even back then: was the “pick” absolutely random, or orientated?); Elias had sent him MAG087’s (with the clear purpose of sending him in Jude’s direction or, as Jon inferred in MAG102, because Elias had no idea what the heck he was doing?); The Web sent him MAG130’s cobwebs-wrapped… But now, it’s also official that Jon was actually influenced in his choice when he did have multiple options to pick from, including when it came to the tapes he would ~naturally~ avoid.

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: I’ve found a– [SIGH] I went back to Eli– er, Peter��s office. To that box of tapes; started rifling through. And I started to try and pay attention to the ones I… wasn’t drawn to. The tapes I instinctively wanted to discard. [SIGH] There was one, this one, that my hand… pulled back from. I–I dropped it, twice, when I went to pick it up. Even now, I’m… [AUDIBLE FORCED SMILE] struggling to press play…! I am the avatar of Awful Knowledge And Revealed Secrets… so what does it not want me to know…?

………………… Given how The Web sent him one a few months before, how Annabelle has admitted that she is “watching” and sometimes nudging him, how Jon can’t concentrate on his own lighter, I’m not sure that this is Beholding (or only Beholding) trying to lower his interests over certain files or tapes, though.

A few considerations about the tapes for themselves:

* I’m still not sure which tapes Jon has listened to, amongst the ones recorded when he was absent or comatose, notably MAG108, MAG118, MAG120 and MAG121. Does Jon know that Elias knows about the dreams and was… satisfied by them? It still doesn’t feel like he has heard MAG118’s – or, at least, he probably hasn’t heard about Martin’s mother (I’m not sure he would have acted the way he did in MAG129 if he had known what their relationship was like); there was also this bit in MAG126 which sounded like Jon indeed hadn’t heard anything post-MAG117:

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: [DRY EXALE] There was a tape recorder waiting for me when I sat down. They’re not even hiding it anymore. There weren’t any tapes from when I was… away – I checked. Whatever they are, they are here for me.

… But even at the start of season 4, I’m not sure that he had heard MAG108’s since:

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: … Oh. Wow. O… kay, er… Great, s–so… what’s the problem? BASIRA: He appointed an “interim” director. Guy named Peter Lukas. ARCHIVIST: … Oh. BASIRA: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: Read about him. [LIGHT CHUCKLE] BASIRA: Yeah, I’ve… hunted down some of his old statements and… yeah.

“Read about him”, not “heard him”. Does Peter even record on the tapes…? Or did the tapes featuring him just not make their way to Jon? Jon has since accessed Martin’s secret stash (MAG152) but did it include MAG134’s and MAG144’s (the tapes where Peter and Martin discussed The Extinction together)?

* Eternal question of who is listening to the tapes / through the tape recorders: I Still Have That Tape Recorders Post To Go Back To/Finish One Day (… I began season 4 with it, gdi, it’s just. getting longer and longer.), but one aspect that I still find strange is the… framing of Gertrude’s tapes.

We have had cases of clear cross-recordings, with Jon’s tape recorder still on while he’s listening to the glimpses of another ones: the bit of Daisy’s statement from MAG061 when he was readying himself to open the coffin (MAG132), MAG001!Jon’s introducing his first statement while Jon and the others were exploring the house at Hill Top Road and discovered what Annabelle had left for them (MAG147). But when it comes to Gertrude’s tape, it’s not the same framing, and we got another demonstration:

(MAG154) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: […] Even now, I’m… [AUDIBLE FORCED SMILE] struggling to press play…! I am the avatar of Awful Knowledge And Revealed Secrets… so what does it not want me to know…? [LONG SIGH] [CLICK.]

[CLICK–] GERTRUDE: [LONG SIGH] Right. No use putting it off further. […] ERIC: If you see Mary again, tell her– … No. [HUFF] I guess there’s not really anything else to say. [CLICK.]

[CLICK–] [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] [SOFTLY BUT WITH FEELING] … Fuck. [CLICK.]

There are these double clicks: we’re not listening to Jon listening to Gertrude’s tape, we’re switching to Gertrude’s tapes. It’s possible that Jon is loading her tapes in his own tape recorder, but then, that was clearly not what Jon was implying there (it would have been an action a bit more complex than simply “struggling to press play”) and it also wasn’t how he had listened to Gertrude’s tape with Georgie:

(MAG087) GEORGIE: Look, I’m really not sure about this. ARCHIVIST: I just need to borrow it for a half hour or so. I, I’ll look after it. GEORGIE: Wha– No, I don’t– You can blow it up for all I care. It’s been in the loft for, like, twenty years. If I need tape hiss, I’ll add it in post. ARCHIVIST: So, what’s the problem? GEORGIE: With playing an unmarked tape from your stalker? […] Look I’ve, I’ve got work to do. You listen, or don’t listen, or cross-record, or whatever you want, just… just think about it first, okay? You can choose to leave it alone. [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR CLOSES] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] [TAPE PLAYER IS LOADED] [CLICK.]

[CLICK–]

It’s not a cross-recording of “Jon listening to Gertrude’s time”. Every time, there is silence between the two [CLICK] – no “spooling” sound, no hissing anymore. I do understand why it would work like this as a meta-choice from the editors (it’s clearer this way and we’re put in Jon’s situation while he discovered the information, rather than… risking to have the information butchered by Jon’s reactions if he wouldn’t be able to stay quiet) but I really don’t think that it’s a choice without meaning in the story itself: every time there is a so-called “cross-recording”, we’re actually switching from Jon’s tape recorder, recording him, to… something else (just listening to Gertrude’s tape? Being back in Gertrude’s time?).

At the end of season 3, Max Mustermann mentioned that something was “listening in” (and that he “[did]n’t like it”), which could be something different than our point of view as listener: there could be something listening in in their present and something/someone else listening to the tapes days/months/years after the recording happened. If it’s the latter: we have to consider that this “someone” not only accessed Jon’s tapes, but also Gertrude’s, and was able to reorganise them chronologically following Jon’s footsteps. If it’s the former: that “something” is able to switch from one tape recorder to the other (as it did, too, in MAG039, MAG079 and MAG118), whether it’s to listen to pre-existing tapes or to witness the recordings of current events. Whether it’s a conscious will or acting more on instinct (being able to feel when spooks or spooky events or just Episodes Of That Little Soap Opera You Call An Archives are coming up), it’s not passive either: it makes discrete choices when it comes to turning on and off during every episode, it doesn’t let other characters decide what should be cut off (Tim&Daisy turning it off in MAG082 before it clicked back on; Elias inviting Martin to cut the recording before it clicked back on, “Mm! Sorry. Looks like it wants to know what’s going on.” in MAG118). So what is it…?

(Jon said in MAG114 that he didn’t think it was Beholding; MAG118 hinted that it wasn’t Elias either since he wasn’t controlling it… I’m still taken with the idea that it’s The Web, but I agree that The Web using the recorders and the tapes as mundane items (delivering them) doesn’t mean that She’s spookily controlling them. Who/what else, then? One aspect of Extinction? Someone stuck within them à la Sergey Ushanka – Gertrude, Sasha, Jonah Magnus, “Emma”…?)

* Interestingly, Eric wasn’t surprised at all that Gertrude was using a tape recorder:

(MAG154) GERTRUDE: Hm! And, the second thing? ERIC: I want to make my statement. GERTRUDE: Is that really necessary? ERIC: I don’t want to disappear on her terms. Or yours! I want to speak my piece, have it recorded. GERTRUDE: Mm, fine. Tape’s running…! Subject is Eric Delano, recorded 21st of July, 2008, regarding… ERIC: Mm, what else! “Me, Mary, and the Archives.”

Eric had left the Institute before 1996 (since Elias became the Head that year, and Eric hadn’t witnessed it), which is also the year of, as of now, the oldest of Gertrude’s recordings that we have: MAG077, recorded on November 4th, 1996, labelled “Changeling / Imposter” (Lucy Cooper’s statement about the Not!Them taking her mother’s place). Since that statement explicitly mentioned that tapes weren’t rewritten by the Not!Them bending reality, I was thinking that Gertrude had potentially begun to record some statements with information that she deemed more valuable because she knew the Not!Them was roaming wild, but that was one amongst… many hypotheses. We still don’t know why Gertrude began to record statements and what motivated her recordings on a case-to-case basis; Jon himself wondered about it as soon as in season 2, and still hadn’t put out a guess into words in season 3 (although it was still on his mind, as revealed by his questioning Gerry about Gertrude’s tape habits).

On the one hand, of course Eric wouldn’t be surprised by a tape recorder: he died in the 90s, they were still widespread. On the other hand, Gertrude might have been using them back when he was still around, and that’s strengthening the hope that there is a recording of stoner/pre-Head Elias with Gertrude somewhere /o/

- It’s… extremely interesting how Eric’s portrayal of Gertrude gave the impression that she was much, muuuuuch more Beholding-aligned than we were previously made to think:

(MAG154) ERIC: She didn’t try to keep me in the dark just so I wouldn’t stop being useful. She never made me complicit in a thousand nightmares, and lives ruined for the sick joy of some otherworldly voyeur. […] I know what you say, what you think you’re doing – saving the world one poor doomed soul at a time. I mean, I understand; I do! … But I couldn’t be a part of it. Not when I saw what happened to everyone else you involved. I had to get out, to escape this place. […] Mary, at least, played straight with me. She knew all about the Institute. And when we were married, when she was sure I could handle it, she laid it all out for me: the Powers, the rituals, all the messy little cogs of the games you play with the universe. She laid out her own plans as well; her dreams of power. In many ways, I guess they were no better than yours. But at least, she didn’t bother to hide behind noble aims. … Maybe that’s why I chose her, in The End. At least she was honest. […] GERTRUDE: Did you need to do anything special? Any… ritual, or… [SIGH] ERIC: Just as long as they’re useless. I went the extra mile, destroyed them completely, but… I’m sure you’ll find something… “neater”. A strong acid, precisely applied? That sounds more your style. If you decide to do it, that is. GERTRUDE: Nn, I, I–I don’t know… ERIC: No… It’s not an easy sacrifice to make, is it? GERTRUDE: I still have work to do. ERIC: Don’t you always. GERTRUDE: Yeah… Anyway. I think I’ll probably do some research of my own before the rather extreme step of… blinding myself.

She sounded so… vehemently opposed? at the idea of blinding herself – immediately exposing it as something she wouldn’t do, perceiving it as a non-option and vaguely trying to justify herself. And there is Eric’s mention of “a thousand nightmares” which seems to imply that Gertrude… was taking live-statements pretty often, or used to?! (It was… a bit weird, indeed, how she had behaved with Lucia, presenting the “dreams” as a fatality when she could have chosen to have Lucia write her story down, and I am still wondering why she needed a recording of that one in the first place).

Jon had pointed out his surprise that Gertrude hadn’t recorded MAG102’s – was it because she was with Gerry and he had prevented her from taking it live, or because she didn’t want to show him her ugly side…? Was it because… she was like Jon, and trying to justify to herself that she “needed” the stories live when in truth the whole point was for her to feed on people’s trauma, to feel good…?

And GUUUUH, the contrast between Gertrude’s instinctive reluctance at the idea of gouging her eyes out, vs. Jon who… seemed to jump on the idea:

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: … Because… uh, because I–I trust you, I– I’m trying to think about what to do, and I… Well… if I did try this, I… I don’t want to do it alone. MARTIN: [EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: But we could leave here. You and me; escape. […] MARTIN: No, I mean… [DRY CHUCKLING] Could–could you even survive at this stage? Is there anything else keeping you alive? ARCHIVIST: Uh, I–I don’t know. I don’t… “Know”. But… [EXHALE] Maybe it’s worth it? The risk, y–you and me, together, getting out of here… MARTIN: [SNIFF] ARCHIVIST: … one way or another… […] MARTIN: I just… Look, I need to see this thing through with Peter to the end. If–if what he’s saying is even half true, I need to be there. ARCHIVIST: But what if you don’t? I mean…! We could just leave. I mean, whatever… their plan is for me, I am damn sure that doing that isn’t it. I could derail everything– MARTIN: [NERVOUS CHUCKLING] ARCHIVIST: –We could derail everything, and then just… leave…!

Martin might have had a few points re:the fact Jon might not actually want to do it… but still. Gertrude immediately gave reasons not to do it. Jon presented it as a way out.

- … Jon surprised me (positively) and holy heck, it had been a while. From:

(MAG137) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: [HEAVY SIGH] So. Funny story. Turns out when Daisy broke the lock to get into Elias’s old office, well, she did a good enough job that it’s not… obviously broken. So it hasn’t been replaced yet. So I had a look around. [SIGH] M–mostly as I remember, but… There’s a box of tapes and statements in the corner. Obviously those Elias either didn’t feel he could trust me with yet, or maybe just the ones he was checking himself. Ideally, I’d like to avoid… tipping Peter off for as long as possible that I have access. And it turns out I don’t… Know… Elias’s safe combination. Not yet, anyway. So I just took the first one that called to me, and it’s… [DRY NASAL EXHALE] It’s good. I suppose. Glad to know I don’t need to worry about a Slaughter ritual; nice to get… confirmation that whoever… Eric was, he was Gerry’s father and… well, one assumes Mary Keay’s partner.

To:

(MAG154) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Hm. [SIGH] I’ve, uh… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, after what happened with Daisy last week. About… what I can do. What I am. What feels… right. I’ve found a– [SIGH] I went back to Eli– er, Peter’s office. To that box of tapes; started rifling through. And I started to try and pay attention to the ones I… wasn’t drawn to. The tapes I instinctively wanted to discard. [SIGH] There was one, this one, that my hand… pulled back from. I–I dropped it, twice, when I went to pick it up. Even now, I’m… [AUDIBLE FORCED SMILE] struggling to press play…! I am the avatar of Awful Knowledge And Revealed Secrets… so what does it not want me to know…?

And both times, it was about one of Gertrude’s tapes, mentioning Eric and Gerry (and even Adelard in passing!), from the same stash. But what contrast, from Jon relying on his spooky powers to guide him in a direction, to Jon purposefully aiming for his own kind of silence (MAG153, “Don’t listen to the blood.” “Listen to the quiet”)…!

At this point, I was losing hope of seeing him get proactive in order to try and counter The Eye’s influence. It sounds like listening to Melanie (MAG150) and to Daisy (MAG153) inspired him a bit? And Helen-the-Distortion too, in a way, as a counterexample: she was encouraging him to “embrac[e] it” (MAG146), explained how Helen “chose to stop feeling guilty” (MAG154) and made fun of Jon for his “brooding”… The others made sure that he wouldn’t attack any more people since they learned about it in MAG146 and, now, Jon is taking little steps to go against his influences (or at least try to pinpoint when they could be at work and motivating some of his actions that are still guilt and regrets-inducing for him).

That’s good! Aaaand I have no idea if he’s at a risk of crumbling in a what’s-the-point way after what Martin told him! (It could lead to Jon… thinking about Martin’s words, and whether they hold a bit of truth re:his self-sacrificing tendencies, the fact that he indeed told Daisy that it could be Right if he were to die and indeed agreed to do dangerous things and things which could kill him… but probably doesn’t want to die indeed. Or Jon will go back to “moping around” and Daisy will try to get him drunk again.)

(Six episodes left, last of the season is usually the “debriefing” after the action, 158 and 159 will probably be the action itself… What can Jon actually do in the three episodes before that? Martin is Going To Do Something, but Jon…? It feels like if he gets involved, it would be either because he goes after Martin out of worry, either because something is inflicted on him (4th kidnapping? Julia&Trevor are back, Peter could still have a dirty trick up his sleeve, etc.) It’s strange, because Jon has never felt more disconnected from a season finale despite still being the voice we hear the most…?)

- I am also RELIEVED that Jon still has in mind that… Elias and Peter probably aren’t neutral and just hoping that The Extinction gets stopped uwu:

(MAG125) ARCHIVIST: But honestly, it’s the internal threats I’m worried about. Peter Lukas is just… sitting up there, doing whatever the hell it is he [STATIC BEGINS AND RISES] and Elias have planned, and Melanie still has that bullet pumping violence into her, waiting to turn this place into another Lanncraig.

(MAG154) MARTIN: I just… Look, I need to see this thing through with Peter to the end. If–if what he’s saying is even half true, I need to be there. ARCHIVIST: But what if you don’t? I mean…! We could just leave. I mean, whatever… their plan is for me, I am damn sure that doing that isn’t it. I could derail everything– MARTIN: [NERVOUS CHUCKLING] ARCHIVIST: –We could derail everything, and then just… leave…!

And that managed to make Jon’s plea even more heartbreaking?! Because he’s aware that Elias and Peter are still threats, are still probably expecting him to fit somewhere in their personal plans – there might not be any big conspiracies, but Elias has demonstrated that he could deceive, lie, manipulate, push in specific directions. But meanwhile, Martin has been told about the “big picture”, has been led to think about broader concerns, has already sacrificed around 9 months of his life after selling himself to protect the others, so… of course he wouldn’t want to give up now. (But as Gertrude showed: there will always be other threats, other concerns that need to be taken care of.)

(Though, I’m. Extremely worried that Jon was able to access Eric’s tape, although he was naturally prone to ignore it. Melanie reported that Elias didn’t have a safe in MAG118; he had acquired one, according to Jon in MAG137. Why wasn’t Eric’s tape inside that safe? Why leave it accessible? Is it because Elias hadn’t even bothered to check them all himself, or had also been made to avoid that one specifically, or… is it because in one way or another, he was waiting for Jon to listen to that one, because it was part of a plan…?)

- I CAN’T BELIEVE that we got 1°) two “Fuck”s in an episode, 2°) JON saying “fuck”, 3°) MARTIN SAYING “FUCK”. Jon was already a big WOW moment, and then Martin… just had the same reaction. Beautiful. Especially given how we know how Hard To Get those are (=> they raise the rating on iTunes, hence theoretically less listeners, so no swearing is gratuitous)… it was a Very Precious Episode.

So many “fuck”s given this season, tho?!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh, I… Melanie, I–I’m so sorry, I– MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?!

(MAG148) BASIRA: You sent us to the North fucking Pole for no goddamn reason. ELIAS: A, a–hem… miscalculation.

(MAG154) [CLICK–] [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] [SOFTLY BUT WITH FEELING] … Fuck. [CLICK.] […] ARCHIVIST: I know; I know what you said, but I just… I think I’ve found a way for us to leave the Institute. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … Okay…? ARCHIVIST: Yeah. But i–it’s… [INHALE] it’s pretty… drastic. MARTIN: What, [CHUCKLING] you gotta gouge your eyes out or something? [SILENCE] … Fuck off?! [SILENCE] … Right…! Uh–uh…

Tim would be so proud of his ducklings… Team Archives unites… And incredibly, DAISY still hasn’t said “fuck”. SOMEHOW.

+ Honorary mentions:

(MAG127) BASIRA: Can we cut the bullshit? ELIAS: What “bullshit” might that be?

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I’m… [SHAKY CHUCKLE] W–would you believe I’m… trying to save Daisy? MELANIE: With more bullshit surgery? […] It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it. ARCHIVIST: … Shit. MELANIE: Yes.

(MAG135) BASIRA: [SLAMS HANDS ON THE TABLE] Cut the shit! What are you playing at? ELIAS: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

(MAG143) BASIRA: [SIGH] So, what, this was another waste of time? What, no Church, no Dark Sun? … I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch…!

(MAG145) ARTHUR: [CHUCKLE] Always respected you for that. Takes a strong stomach to not give a shit.

(MAG147) BASIRA: Something’s here. MELANIE: No shit! [DOOR OPENS] Look at this place…!

(MAG148) ELIAS: [SNIFF] Good evening, Detecti– [PUNCH] OW! [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PUNCHING] BASIRA: Useless, scheming piece of shit! ELIAS: Detective, this is quite unnece–

(MAG154) ERIC: Sorry, I just… [SNORTING CHUCKLE] I don’t mean to be a dick, but…

This season is so vulgar <3 It was already suspicious that Jon had said his seasonal “shit” so early on (it had happened in MAG039 and MAG078 and (aborted) in MAG099), but I wasn’t seriously expecting him to join the “fuck” team.

- Okay, tl;dr I loved every bit of dialogue in this episode, it was glorious all over, I was “!!” all through it, so much good heartbreak and sadness and PINING, GODS, JON???, so I’ll only give Selected Commentaries:

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: Sorry, I–I just– MARTIN: No, ’t’s fine, I ju– You just surprised me, that’s… Jesus, you alright? You… you look like hell. ARCHIVIST: Oh! Uh, right, I, em… ki–kind of weak. Hungry, I–I guess, sort of. I–I’ve been trying to a–avoid, being, hum… Sticking to old statements? Thank you, for your little “intervention”, by the way. MARTIN: Look, I wouldn’t have had to if you hadn’t– ARCHIVIST: Yes, no, I know, I’m sorry, uh– that didn’t… come out right. Honestly: thank you. [EXHALE] It’s been hell, but… I–I did need to hear it. MARTIN: Oh, hum… Uh, g–good. Heh. Are the others… helping? ARCHIVIST: Oh! [DRY CHUCKLE] They’ve been keeping a… very close eye on me…! But that’s not important – no, well, it is important, but it’s– it’s not why I’m here, I– MARTIN: Jon. Calm down. What do you want?

* I’m so, so glad that Jon… validated what Martin did, regarding Jess’s complaint? Especially given how Martin was afraid of his reaction back at the time (MAG142: “I should probably try to get him this tape, let him know what happened, that someone came in to… But then, ahah, would that just come across as an accusation? Like, because I don’t wanna… And then, then I guess he’d… hear this bit as well, so… I… I… [LONG EXHALE] What do I do…?”). Jon did awful things, was awful in the way he hid and didn’t handle it, and, at least at the moment, there is no further harm being done… although there have already been too many victims. At least, Martin prevented more harm.

(Also: confirmation that Martin indeed send the tape himself, and that it wasn’t Annabelle or Peter giving it to the assistants behind his back? I was still fearing this possibility, since Basira had mentioned that it had been left for them but that she hadn’t seen Martin himself. But given how Martin didn’t object and proudly owned up to his decision when Jon gave the impression of blaming him for it, it was indeed him all along ;w; It took him a few weeks but he had finally decided to send the tape on his own, aah…)

* The emphasis Jon put in that “keeping a… very close eye on me…!” with dry humour… JON… JON, YOU WERE SO SNAPPY ABOUT BASIRA AND DAISY MAKING EYE-THEMED JOKE, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO INDULGE IN THEM:

(MAG143) BASIRA: [SIGH] Eyes peeled. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … Was that a joke? BASIRA: Yeah.

(MAG147) DAISY: Perhaps they… bugged out. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: [WHISPER] … Was that a joke? BASIRA: Jon, focus.

Jon is going to judge you (and will do the things he’s reproaching you). He had been making Eye-related puns here and there for a while but with his tone here? It was absolutely deliberate and PFTT.

* I love that Martin’s perception of Jon is still that he… looks a mess.

(MAG142) MARTIN: O–okay, okay, hum… What… Would you mind telling me what happened? Uh, what they did? WOMAN: He. MARTIN: … Ah, uh, alright. Hum… Did he… [SIGH] … Did he look like he hadn’t slept in like– WOMAN: Mm–mm. MARTIN: –a week? WOMAN: Yep, uh… MARTIN: … Right…

(Though, Martin pointed out that Jon looked… not good, but I feel that the worst we heard of Jon was from 148 to 152? On the contrary, for the last two episodes, I felt that Jon was… softer again? Less sounding like someone who would be eaten out from the inside by their own hunger? Or he’s behaving like someone would when sleep-deprived: dry and cutting at first, and then all over the place and absolutely messy and jumpy. To me, he sounds better. So I’m amused that apparently, no, he Looks Terrible. Jonny is still trying to tell us that the Archivist is not hot, uh?)

- It’s… a strange feeling given how Peter has precisely been grooming him to become a Lonely avatar (well, dual one?) during season 4, but I had never realised how Beholding Martin was/sounded, before?

(MAG154) MARTIN: Em… like, like permanently? Or… ARCHIVIST: I–I–I don’t know, I–I mean, I suppose? I–i–if your vision comes back, the Beholding probably does as well…! P–probably. But it’s not like it’s easy to only… blind yourself temporarily anyway, uh, I… MARTIN: Y–y–yeah… yeah, uh… […] Could–could you even survive at this stage? Is there anything else keeping you alive? ARCHIVIST: Uh, I–I don’t know. I don’t… “Know”. But… [EXHALE] Maybe it’s worth it? The risk, y–you and me, together, getting out of here… MARTIN: [SNIFF] ARCHIVIST: … one way or another…

The way he immediately wondered about the specifics, the details, how things worked and asks out aloud, half-thinking half wanting to know more more more…? The funny thing is that Martin has always displayed that sort of broad thinking, taking myriads of parameters into account:

(MAG039) SASHA: I’m still not sure why you have this. Drinking in the archives? MARTIN: What? No, no, it’s for worms. ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: For pulling the worms out of people. Like now. SASHA: You, er… what? MARTIN: I used to carry around a knife, but I started thinking that, well, cutting into someone laterally wasn’t really the most efficient way to get them out, and besides which, they seem to be quite slow burrowing in a straight line so, given their size, th-the corkscrew just seemed to be the better option. [HEAVY SILENCE] Look, you guys got to go home every day, okay. I didn’t! I’ve been thinking for a long time about what to do when… well, y’know, this happens.

(MAG110) MARTIN: –but that doesn’t make sense, can he even do that? BASIRA: I don’t know, I guess so. MARTIN: It’s so– What, he can just reach into your head, and put something in there? BASIRA: [SIGH] I don’t know. I guess so. MARTIN: I mean… does it even have to be a truth, do we, do we know for sure he’s not lying, like, like magically lying? BASIRA: I don’t. know. MARTIN: R–right, right. Sorry. I just… It’s a lot to take in, you know.

And the fact that Jon was the one who had to admit that ~he didn’t know~ in return…

- The fact that the assistants were trapped in the Archives had popped up as soon as season 1 (although… back then, we (and they) hadn’t realised how literal it was):

(MAG026) SASHA: I should really quit, you know. We, we all should. I don’t think this a normal job. I, I don’t think this is a safe job. ARCHIVIST: You’re probably right. Do you want to quit? SASHA: No. I’m just… I’m just too damned curious, I suppose. You? ARCHIVIST: No. Whatever’s going on, I need to know. Get some rest. [CLICK]

(MAG065) ARCHIVIST: Then quit! If you hate it so much, leave your post in the Archives. Permanently. TIM: You’re firing me? ARCHIVIST: … I’m offering you a chance to quit. No notice period, I’ll even make sure you get the rest of the month’s paycheck. [PAUSE] Just say the words. [STATIC RISES] TIM: I want to. ARCHIVIST: So do it. TIM: I… … can’t. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Why not…? TIM: I… I… I–I can’t! I don’t know… Why can’t I quit?! ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t know. But I don’t think I can fire you either. TIM: What? ARCHIVIST: It’s this place.

(MAG079) TIM: There is something in this place, and it’s messing up our heads. It watches us all the time. It stops me quitting. I’m pretty sure it would stop Elias firing Jon even if he decided to actually try running this place for once. MARTIN: You’re sure you don’t just want to stay? TIM: I’m. sure. MARTIN: But, like, deep down– TIM: No. MARTIN: … Oh.

(MAG092) ELIAS: Ah, of course. Er, sometimes I forget how new you all are to this. Basira is now tied to the Institute. All of you are. Like fingers on a hand. And I am the beating heart of it. Should I, or the Institute, be destroyed, you will all, unfortunately, follow suit. MELANIE: Wait, what? TIM: Yup, that sounds about right. ELIAS: And it would not be a pleasant death.

(MAG095) MARTIN: Kinda thought your job was to be a hostage. […] Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, trying to escape? BASIRA: Sure. How’s that gone for you? MARTIN: What? BASIRA: The way Tim tells it, we’re all in the same boat here. So, how’s your escape plan coming? [NOISES OF CONFUSED EXASPERATION] MARTIN: How… Doesn’t it bother you?!

(MAG102) ELIAS: Even more than the others [Melanie] has a visceral hatred of being trapped. Regardless of how much freedom I afford her. […] MELANIE: [Frustrated anger] It’s not just being stuck here, Jon. It’s not just me. He’s manipulating you, he’s manipulating all of us. Can you seriously not see that?

(MAG106) ELIAS: Whatever I’m planning needs to be stopped! Even if it costs a few lives. Including your own. MELANIE: Well, that’s not even– ELIAS: A rationalisation, of course. A lie, about your own selfishness, that you would rather be dead than trapped without the self-determination you prize so highly. I wish I knew the words to convince you it’s for the best.

(MAG131) MELANIE: I don’t know! I can’t… look at her without my leg hurting, but what else am I going to do. I don’t want to be on my own, and I’m stuck here. So… ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! ARCHIVIST: No– Right, no– MELANIE: This isn’t better! ARCHIVIST: M–Melanie, I, I– MELANIE: I’m not dying and I don’t… want to kill you, it’s, it’s…! [SHARP EXHALE] It’s just different. Yes, it’s… sort of better, m–maybe, but I–I can’t…

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: It, uh… Hm. Is, uh… Weird question, but… I… [EXHALE] I haven’t seen you in my dreams? The last couple of weeks? DAISY: … Oh, uh, no. I… I work here, now. I figured it seems to protect the others, so… ARCHIVIST: Oh. Right, so… Wait, did you talk to Lukas, or…? DAISY: [CHUCKLE] Broke into Elias’s old office. Found an employment contract; filled it in, and signed it. ARCHIVIST: And that worked. DAISY: Seems so. ARCHIVIST: And you’re not… worried about… DAISY: Basira’s trapped here. So are you. Not like I can be going anywhere anyway. ARCHIVIST: … I suppose not. So… no more dreams. DAISY: Not of you and your weird eyes. Just the coffin. ARCHIVIST: Is that better…? DAISY: ’T’s mine. ARCHIVIST: … right.

(MAG150) MELANIE: Look. [INHALE] I’m not going to do my job anymore. ARCHIVIST: … I am not sure I follow, you–you know we… we can’t… quit, we’ve all tried. MELANIE: I didn’t say I was going to quit. I said: I’m not going to do my job. No researching; no filing; no… field trips. Nothing that is going to help the Institute in any way. I’ll still be around, I just… ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I can’t be a part of this anymore. If, if I get sick, I get sick. And, and if I die…

Learning that Eric had found a way out, that there is a way out is… especially interesting in the light of the running thematic of “choices” that season 4 is exploring. Because, until now, being trapped at the Institute was just something that had been inflicted on the Archival staff, without them being able to do much about it apart from going for Melanie’s option (slowly dying). But now, if there is a way out, it means that staying at the Institute becomes a choice, too. The staff can decide that the cost to pay in order to leave is not worth it, but still: there is now another option, and staying is not an inescapable curse anymore. It’s up to them to decide and to define what their priorities are.

- I’ve purposefully left out Martin out of the Assistants Being Trapped wall of quotes because actually… There has only been one occurrence of Martin describing it:

(MAG039) ARCHIVIST: … Why are you here Martin? MARTIN: Well, well, Prentiss is out there and you can’t run so– ARCHIVIST: I mean at the Archive in general. Why haven’t you quit? MARTIN: Are you giving me my review now? ARCHIVIST: No… We’re clearly doing a whole heart-to-heart thing and, truth be told, the question’s been bothering me. You’ve been living in the Archives for four months, constant threat of… this. Sleeping with a fire extinguisher and a corkscrew. Even you must be aware that that’s not normal for an archiving job? Why are you still here? MARTIN: [CONSIDERING] Don’t really know. I just am. It didn’t feel right to just leave. I’ve typed up a few resignation letters, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hand them in. I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t… move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck. […] No, no… it’s just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think. [SIGH]

… And even back then, that was it. More than being trapped in a place, Martin was seeing it as sticking to Jon.

And it absolutely stopped being a concern afterwards. When Martin had his litany of recriminations about everything that had happened in the Institute and about what Elias had done to them… being tied to the Institute hadn’t been one of them:

(MAG117) MARTIN: Me and Melanie, well… Well, I don’t think “death” is really the worry, it’s just… [SIGH] It feels like an ending? Or… something. Like nothing can go back to normal after this. Hey, hey, I mean what’s normal, right? Is living in an old document storage normal? Is losing a friend and not even noticing normal? Corridors? Evil all-seeing managers? I suppose you can get used to anything, but… [PAUSE] It feels different. […] These last couple of years, I’ve always been... running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but… but now it’s my trap. And, well. I think it will work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but… it felt good, weaving my own little web.

(MAG118) MARTIN: What? You don’t want him… hearing your big evil speech? ELIAS: Just wanted to spare you the small amount of dignity you have left. MARTIN: [DRY LAUGHTER] Dignity? Alright, yeah; like the dignity of being trapped in your flat by worms, or sleeping in the Archives, clutching a corkscrew! Or– or fetching drinks for the thing that murdered your friend without you even noticing…! Laughing at all their little jokes, then being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks! ELIAS: [SIGH] Are you done. MARTIN: Not even close. Because... [HEAVY BREATHING] I… I’ve been thinking. It’s not like you’ve got this all-seeing thing recently. You’ve had it the whole time. I remember the way you looked at Sasha after the attack. You knew it wasn’t her. And I reckon you knew Prentiss was lurking under the Institute, too, and you did nothing. Why? [SILENCE] WHY?! [SLAMS TABLE]

I’m not sure that Martin ever truly perceived it as a burden, quite frankly. He didn’t have a lot in his life – his mother, the Institute, his poetry, as far as we knew. Maybe for Martin, there used to be some comfort in the idea of being trapped and stuck; because that meant people around him… wouldn’t ever be able to leave, either?

(The only recent case of Martin pointing out the trapping as negative was when he screamed at Daisy:

(MAG144) DAISY: Fine. … Fine. Just thought you– MARTIN: No! No, you didn’t! [DOOR OPENS.] We’re not… we’re not friends, Daisy! None of us are! We’re all just trapped together, here, and–and kidding ourselves that we don’t hate it! Christ, there are more important things than, than “feelings”– DAISY: [INCREDULOUS EXHALE] MARTIN: –right now, alright, so just… leave me alone! For good!

And there might have been some sincerity in these words (although Martin confirmed right afterwards that he was mostly just aiming to make her leave). But if he were asked quietly whether or not he wants to leave, I’m not sure Martin would: what does he have, outside of the Institute? What kind of life could he lead? He’s been there for most (if not all) of his adult life at this point, nine years at the very least; and while I firmly believe that Melanie would be able to go forwards and to recreate her own life, or that Daisy&Basira might be able to as a duo, when it comes to Martin… I’m not sure he would even want to try. I’m not sure that he laughed at Jon’s face because it was “too late” for him to leave although, yes, he did confirm to Basira that he wasn’t expecting to make it out alive or as himself; I think it might just have sounded incongruous and so… surreal? So impossible to imagine? And I don’t think that The Lonely is the only thing to blame for this.)

- Given how Eric suspected that Gertrude wouldn’t have shared the eye-gouging trick with him if she had known before he did (and, indeed, as far as we know, she… didn’t inform Michael Shelley about a possibility of quitting – but I’m not sure he was even aware of being trapped in the first place…), and that Jon already jumped on Martin to tell him:

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: I know; I know what you said, but I just… I think I’ve found a way for us to leave the Institute. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … Okay…? ARCHIVIST: Yeah. But i–it’s… [INHALE] it’s pretty… drastic. MARTIN: What, [CHUCKLING] you gotta gouge your eyes out or something? [SILENCE] … Fuck off?! [SILENCE] … Right…! Uh–uh… ARCHIVST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: Uh, r–right, uh… Wow…! [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Uh, okay… […] Y–y–yeah… yeah, uh… Ha–have you told the others, or…? ARCHIVIST: No, you–you’re the first. […] MARTIN: Who are you kidding, Jon? You’re not gonna do any of that. ARCHIVIST: I, I could…! MARTIN: But you won’t…! That why you came to me, isn’t it? ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want… is a reason to not do those things. So… you come to me. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MARTIN: Well… you’re welcome! B–because I can’t follow you on this one.

I think Jon is very likely to share it with the others, despite (/because of) Martin’s last words? So, are we heading towards (at least) one member of current Team Archives choosing to lose their eyesight in order to leave the Institute…?

If so, who? Martin sounded like Gertrude in that aspect: he has a goal and is sticking to it, and is not ready to consider it an option.

He also had a point re:Jon on the idea that… maybe Beholding is the only thing currently powering Jon to live right now, because he should have died during The Unknowing and ultimately made a choice when faced with dying or “becom[ing] something else”. We’ve also seen Jon display instant-healing abilities (MAG131, when he tried to cut his finger), and he also mentioned that the wound from Melanie’s scalpel had healed quickly so… it doesn’t seem like he could permanently harm himself, nor that someone else’s injury would last. However, Dekker had mentioned that Hunters were able to take down avatars (MAG113), and Daisy had managed to quickly kill off Mike Crew, so it’s possible that Hunters would be able to inflict permanent damage and, oh, good timing, Trevor&Julia managed to crawl back to England, sneaked into the Institute once, and might still be looming around.

When it comes to the conscious choice of blinding oneself to escape The Eye… I doubt that Daisy would go there, since she signed up for the Institute on her own (without being coerced or misled into it, knowing full-well that it meant she would be trapped), both to reclaim a bit of control (getting rid of Jon in her dreams) and because Basira and Jon were already trapped. Daisy wouldn’t want to leave without the others, she displayed some protective tendencies around Jon although she is already deeply weakened in her current state, she didn’t sound morally upset at the thought of being tied to The Eye when she discussed with Martin in MAG144, so… I really don’t see her going for Eric’s solution. She might see it as making herself vulnerable without getting much in exchange?

Basira… I’m not sure. I think that even more than Daisy, she would see it as making herself vulnerable – Elias took a dig about that one time she “let her guard down” (Jared’s attack?) in MAG127 and it feels to me like this is really her problem right now – desperate and scrambling for control, craving it so much that she both tends to sideline her feelings and attachments because she perceives them as a weakness, and to make herself susceptible to manipulation. She was quietly resigned to being trapped, too, signed up to protect Daisy without showing much anger towards the action, so I’m not sure she would think that blinding herself would be worth it? And there is the additional fact that she might or might not be on a Very Beholding Path herself (although recently, it sounds more Hunt-y to me?).

And finally… Melanie feels to me like the person who would probably be the most interested in Eric’s option. She already emotionally cut ties with Beholding by deciding that dying was better than surviving at the cost of feeding it. She has already worked on trying to get better. We heard about her going outside of the Institute, we know that Georgie is helping her. She has a support system outside (although small), and strong distaste of The Eye. So…

;; There is the additional fact that, hum. Eric didn’t survive long after quitting because he was murdered. But what if The Beholding’s grasp was supposed to come back after some time…? We also had Beholding places containing, uh, eyeless people, and we’re still unsure of who they were and what had happened to their eyes (older Archivists in older Archives?):

(MAG023, Albrecht von Closen) “I approached the man, but he didn’t move to flee. As I got closer, I saw him in more detail. He was short and squat, wearing an old-fashioned, black frock coat and knee breeches, though his head was shadowed by a wide-brimmed black hat. By his costume, I assumed him to be an old man, perhaps a groundskeeper for this place, or simply a recluse that lived nearby. When I greeted him, though, the voice that answered held no quiver of age within it. […] I felt the presence behind me, and I turned around. It was the man from the cemetery. His wide brimmed hat was removed and he stared at me. His head was completely bald, and his eyes were missing. They were just empty sockets but they stared at me. The saw me. Believe or dismiss anything else in my letter as you wish Jonah, but I swear to you that I stood face to face with a man with no eyes and he saw me.”

(MAG053) WALTER: It was a body. […] His eyes were gone. But rather than simply decaying into nothingness, there were ragged scratches around the edge of the socket, leaving messy, hollow pits. I was feeling very afraid now and had just turned around to leave when my torch abruptly turned off. It was the strangest thing. It should have been pitch-dark. There was no light at all filtering through into those underground caverns, but instead, I could so everything! Every detail of the shrivelled corpse before me was as clear as day, though there was no light to see it.  I can’t explain it, even really describe how it felt, but it was absolute darkness, and I could still see. At the same time, I suddenly got the most intense feeling of being watched – like a thousand eyes turned to me at once. […] The sense of being watched was getting stronger, an almost physical wave that seemed to drag me down. I reached the mouth of the tunnel just as a figure came into view. It wore what looked like the remains of an ancient robe, and in the darkness, I could see long, spindly fingers stretching, probing toward me. From beneath its huge, flowing hood, I could see nothing except for a single, lidless eye.

… But especially in the Schwartzwald man’s case: having no eyes didn’t stop him clearly belonging to Beholding, so… There is no proof that it would indeed work.

- Of course, gooooooooods… The echo between Gertrude’s era and Jon… three assistants “meeting an unpleasant end”; Tim and Sasha are already gone, there is only Martin left of the original team. Of course Martin would have, even unconsciously, been a prime concern after a recording of Gertrude and one of her (dead) assistants… EXCEPT NO, AHAHAHA, Jon’s worry/concern/feelings truly felt like something else than guilt and responsibility.

I’ve seen how RQ operates, I know that they know their tropes, I know that they wouldn’t Tease to get listeners and shame them for hoping for some more queerness afterwards, I know that they’re careful about this; I knoooow rationally that there probably wouldn’t be this much focus on Jon’s anxiety towards Martin’s current situation if the bottom line was Oh, Jon Is Mostly Feeling Guilty About Tim&Sasha And Worried That Martin Might Die Because Of Him Too (especially when it’s been acknowledged multiple times that Martin has romantic feelings for him).

But. Still. Up until now, it could perfectly be read that way in Jon’s worry and longing.

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: Just you and me. … And, Melanie and M–Martin, I, I guess. Honestly, I’m surprised Martin isn’t… BASIRA: [SHARP INHALE] ARCHIVIST: What? Oh god, the, their plan, it’s, Martin is– Is he okay, or– … What did Elias do?

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I wish I could talk it through with Martin. … Or Tim. [SHORT SAD CHUCKLE] Or Sasha. But we never really did that, did we…? … Everything’s changed. … [SIGH] Two days out of a coma, and I’m already tired.

(MAG124) ARCHIVIST: H–how are you, Martin? I–is everything… MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, no, I’m, I’m alright, er… Everything’s… fine. ARCHIVIST: … Right. Hum. … H–how’s… h–how’s the poetry? MARTIN: Oh, er, well, I haven’t exactly had a lot of time recently, so… ARCHIVIST: Yes, of course… MARTIN: Mm. ARCHIVIST: You’ve been busy. MARTIN: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: … MARTIN: … Look, Jon, I, I’ve really got to go, so… ARCHIVIST: Oh, er, okay… MARTIN: I’m, I’m sorry that you– ARCHIVIST: Wowowow, it was… good t–, it was good to see you. MARTIN: … Yeah. [STEPS LEAVING] ARCHIVIST: … Yeah… 

(MAG136) DAISY: You need to stop moping. ARCHIVIST: I what? DAISY: You need to stop swanning around, being all sad. ARCHIVIST: I’m, I’m not “swanning around”– DAISY: “Boo-hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST: I am alone, Martin is– DAISY: Busy. doing. paperwork. Not like he’s dead. Beside, he’s not the only other person here, you know. There’s me; Melanie; Basira– ARCHIVIST: Traumatised; traumatised; and paranoid, because of me.

(MAG139) ARCHIVIST: And that just leaves Martin, which… […] … [SIGH] I’m just worried about Martin. … Christ… Every other Avatar gets to have their feelings… burned right out of them, but me? I’ve… just got to sit in mine. … I know he said he had everything under control. I need… to trust him; whatever he’s doing with Peter, he’s… he knows what he’s doing. Probably. I just– … [VERY FAST] I need him to be okay. I just do.

(MAG148) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been meaning to ask. The… tape. The one of the, uh… my victim. You said Martin gave it to you. BASIRA: [EXHALE] Yeah. ARCHIVIST: How was he? H–how did he look, was he, uh… BASIRA: I don’t know. I didn’t… see him. He just left it on my desk with a note. ARCHIVIST: Oh… Right.

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: We are trying. Daisy, Basira and I, we don’t leave the Institute much anymore – so we do spend a lot of time together. It’s not that easy, though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences… [SIGH] sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re in the same room. … But it’s better than the alternative. And at least none of us is suffering alone. … Martin’s got it the worst, of course. But it still seems to be his choice. And I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing.

In this episode? Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnot so much, and Oh No, Jon Is Indeed Having A Crush, Uh.

I think what felt the most “… Jon…” about it is that… Jon didn’t present the eye-gouging as a way for Martin to be free and get out. There was Jon’s insistence that they could do it “together” – it wasn’t so much about saving Martin as ensuring that Martin wouldn’t die and that they could be reunited.

(And it came right after a statement of… Eric and his one-sided crush on Mary, who was mostly using him to achieve her own goals (getting a Beholding kid from the Archives?), so. Aouch. The echo of the statement wasn’t kind to your situation, Jon.)

It’s possible that indeed, Jon was partially motivated to go to Martin because he (unconsciously) wanted to be told to not do it, but… I think that, more straightforwardly, it was because Jon had just found a way to get Martin back. Jon has never been that good at weaponizing his own emotions to manipulate other people, except when faking his accent and hiding his feelings. So either Martin has understood that Jon was indeed jumping on him because he was genuine about wanting to elope with him (and it’s too late; it’s not the time, and Martin himself seems to have given up on the idea of surviving his “ritual”), either Martin has closed up with The Lonely, and the idea of someone caring for him? Is just unfathomable at this point, and there must be hiding an uglier truth or selfish motivations.

(And oh, how selfish Jon’s plan was!! Gosh?? I still can’t believe he literally begged Martin to just give up on the spooks, on saving the world, just to elope together for a while?? Jon???)

(Not even a thought about his victims, about the fact that hey, maybe if he was cut from The Eye, they would be released from his nightmares?)

(MAG154) MARTIN: [DRY AND HOLLOW LAUGHTER] ARCHIVIST: [BREATHY] … What…? MARTIN: [CHUCKLING] N–nothing, it’s just… That’s just ironic, that’s all. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Martin, I… MARTIN: Who are you kidding, Jon? You’re not gonna do any of that. ARCHIVIST: I, I could…! MARTIN: But you won’t…! That why you came to me, isn’t it? ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want… is a reason to not do those things. So… you come to me. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MARTIN: Well… you’re welcome! B–because I can’t follow you on this one. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it? MARTIN: You know, I think it always did. ARCHIVIST: [SOFT HUFF] [QUIET] Maybe. [SILENCE] Well… I–I’ll be here. If you ever do need me. MARTIN: … I hope so. ARCHIVIST: Just don’t wait too long, okay? [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] [FAINTER, IN THE DISTANCE] If you haven’t already. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] MARTIN: Yeah. [LONG EXHALE] … Yeah… [CLICK.]

A few things:

* AOUCH at that “I’ll be here” / “I hope so.” Not going out terrorising people, uh.

* I’m a bit lost re:Martin’s criticism, because he had been fairly upset about Jon’s self-sacrificing tendencies, or the fact he was throwing himself into danger, when discussing with Daisy in MAG144… while here, he called Jon out (in a very cruel, falsely indulgent tone) on not wanting to end his life. Given Jon’s pedigree, it almost sounded like a taunt to get Jon to try to gouge out his eyes, but, mostly: I’m surprised that Martin would perceive Jon’s actions this way, when he had listened to Daisy’s input and had called her “observant” (so, validating her reading of Jon)… ? It’s very likely that these words were absolutely valid when it came to Jon, I’m simply surprised that Martin would suddenly read him like this. Martin is in a bad place, he doesn’t need to make sense but… still…? Unless it was mostly his bitterness about being perceived as an enabler coming out…?

Unless he told Jon what he needed Jon to think – that he didn’t want to sacrifice his life…? (Because if so? That would be extremely web-y, Martin.)

* … Martin, Jon is currently demonstrating that not wanting to do something doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it anyway (=> “I don’t want to stop”, and he’s stopping anyway).

* Jon’s coma is still a sore spot, uh.

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: … What happened, Martin? [SILENCE] MARTIN: You died. ARCHIVIST: I came back. MARTIN: Yeah. [OPENS DOOR] I’m not gonna let it happen again. ARCHIVIST: … wait… Wait! W– [DOOR CLOSES] [SIGH] [CLICK.]

(MAG154) MARTIN: Jon… [SIGH] Don’t do this. ARCHIVIST: Do what? MARTIN: Make it my decision. ARCHIVIST: I’m not– MARTIN: No, I mean… [DRY CHUCKLING] Could–could you even survive at this stage? Is there anything else keeping you alive? ARCHIVIST: Uh, I–I don’t know. I don’t… “Know”. But… [EXHALE] Maybe it’s worth it? The risk, y–you and me, together, getting out of here…

Indeeeeeeeeeeeeed, if Jon were to die due to his eye-gouging because Martin had agreed and encouraged him to follow through that plan… Martin would feel responsible about it forever, uh.

* I feel like Martin tends to react badly to… Jon’s choice of words/feelings.

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: I just… I’m sorry. Basira is off doing… God-knows-what, and I can’t talk to Melanie. MARTIN: Mm-mm. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I suppo– … I miss you. MARTIN: [SNERK] ARCHIVIST: I’m just… MARTIN: Lonely. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Yeah. MARTIN: [HUFF]

(MAG154) MARTIN: Why? ARCHIVIST: … Because… uh, because I–I trust you, I– I’m trying to think about what to do, and I… Well… if I did try this, I… I don’t want to do it alone. MARTIN: [EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: But we could leave here. You and me; escape. MARTIN: Jon… [SIGH] Don’t do this.

“Miss you” and the feeling of loneliness, “alone”… is Martin thinking that it’s just The Lonely causing Jon’s longing…?

* Season 4 has been a long fall into The Lonely for Martin, and it just. Doesn’t feel good. Like Jon, he’s not… enjoying himself in the avatardom? He’s stopped living – doesn’t have much contact with anyone, hasn’t been mentioned around tea, isn’t writing poetry anymore… And there is no glee nor joviality in what he’s doing? It just feels sad all over.

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: So: we’re under siege; Melanie is aggressively unstable; Martin is working very closely with The Lonely, who is, predictably enough, isolating him; and, oh, yes, Tim and Daisy are still dead. Which is at least easy to keep track of!

(MAG134) MARTIN: And you thought that since I’m so lonely already, I’d be ideal. PETER: Yes!

(MAG138) MARTIN: I think he wants me to join The Lonely. ELIAS: Then it sounds like you have a decision to make. […] Don’t forget to keep in touch, Martin. There are so many people in here, but without one’s friends… [DOOR LOCKING] it does get rather lonely.

(MAG142) MARTIN: [SIGH] Th–the worst part is I don’t even want to talk to him about it. I’m just… [SIGH] I suppose I’m just getting comfortable with the distance. [SIGH] Cut off. [DRY CHUCKLE] “Lonely”. [INHALE] Mind you, Peter’s not wrong. It really is easier than actually just trying to communicate with people.

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: Statement ends. The Lonely is… possibly the most insidious of the powers, I believe. Certainly it is the one that… most delights in having you do its work for it. Even the Spiders seem to have a hard time matching it for sheer seductiveness. [HUFF] “Time to yourself”, “self-care”, “putting yourself forward”… “not being a burden on those you care about”… [PAUSE] It doesn’t even need to tell you any lies; just waits for the lies you tell yourself.

(MAG151) MARTIN: [POINTEDLY] I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever. SIMON: … What a Lonely way to look at things. Which makes sense, I suppose.

(Except when it comes to tape recorders – Martin still likes those:

(MAG126) [CLICK–] [CLOCK IN THE BACKGROUND] [TYPING SOUNDS] MARTIN: [SIGH] [COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING] Oh. Hello. [ONE CLICK] Haven’t seen you in a while. [TYPING RESUMES] … Really? I mean, it’s just admin. It’s not exactly thrilling listening. … Alright, fine. Whatever. You do you. [TWO CLICKS] Spool away, I guess. [ONE CLICK] Just, you know, let me know if you need some more batteries or something. [TYPING] … It’s because he’s back, isn’t it. [ONE CLICK] [SIGH] He’s back, so now you’re going to be… around, again. Listening in. [ONE CLICK] Mff. [TWO CLICKS] You missed him, didn’t you. [HUFF] … Yeah. … [VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION] Yeah, me too.

(MAG154) [CLICK–] [CLOCK TICKING IN THE BACKGROUND] [TYPING SOUNDS] [COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING] MARTIN: Oh. Right. [CHUCKLE] Hello, again. [TWO CLICKS, TYPING RESUMES] Look, sorry pal, [SHORT LAUGH] false alarm this time…! [ONE CLICK] Oh, unless… [SIGH] [TWO AGGRESSIVE CLICKS] [TO THE ROOM] Peter! [SILENCE] [INHALE] Look, Peter, I– [DOOR OPENS] ARCHIVIST: Martin! MARTIN: Oh, Jon! [DOOR CLOSES] God, don’t do that!

Does Martin still like… spiders…?)

And gods, again and again, there is still what Peter had told Martin coming back to Haunt Us:

(MAG126) MARTIN: … When all this is over, I’m telling him everything, with or without your permission. PETER: Martin… when it’s over, you won’t want to. MARTIN: … Mm. PETER: But he will be safe. They all will. MARTIN: … Yeah.

Peter sounds Right, right now, on the first part; on the second… define “safe”, Peter. (Define “safe”, Martin: is it to be secluded and trapped inside of the Institute forever?)

- Hashtag worried too because with Eric&Gertrude’s conversation… We have the pattern of an archivist discussing with someone who had been bound to the book by someone else and agreeing to burn the page (… if Gertrude indeed burned the page. We didn’t hear her burning that page.), before binding someone else to the book some time later (Gertrude, Eric bound by Mary, Gerry). Jon: discussed with someone who had been bound to the book by someone else (Gerry by Gertrude), before destroying Gerry’s page. Julia&Trevor are back in town, must have come with the book, so it’s there……… I’m. A bit worried. That Jon would end up binding someone (Martin?!) because he doesn’t want to lose them forever…?

Title for MAG155 is… uh. Could be about the Current Economy again (I thought about Ivy Meadows and Melanie too) but I’m a bit at a loss Fears-wise. Spontaneously, I thought about The End but it’s technically… the other way round with that one (if we’re following the gist of MAG029: “‘You said that if I won, then I’d live!’ The monk shook his head. ‘No, I didn’t.’”), and we’re just getting out of a Beholding+End statement with Eric. Extinction, then, with either Martin reading another one or Jon trying to get his hands on new statements because he wants to help from the sidelines? I have a bit of trouble thinking that we could hear Martin two episodes in a row before the finale, it’s been… so long… ;; Other options: something about Jonah Magnus (since Smirke revealed in MAG138 that he feared his own death the most) or, overall, about avatars…? Or a Lonely one again? (I tend to associate Lukases with the mythological figure of Pluto because “rich”.)

Second meaning is “WELP”, I guess Jon is/has been spilling the beans to the others about their new eye-gouging option…?

[1358456]

Review Response, Dec 22 - 28, 2019

“28″, but I’ll be including the reviews that came in this morning. Because hey.

And... there are a lot. The most this year.

Legacy Prologue - Kalos

1) That first part DEFINITELY reminded me of the XY chapter, except Y is being the Hikikomori (shut-in) and X is trying to drag her out... It’s a good role-reversal!

I also wanted it to be like the time in XY where Y found out what happened to her mother and she got super depressed. Except this time, X tries to do something about it. Finally.

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Legacy #008

1) LOVED IT!

Thank you!

2) Poor moon. I loved this chapter

Hey, it’s you! <3 Thank you kindly.

3) WoW cool chapter. So blue confessionele next chapter hopefully? Lol have been waiting on that for the entire story so Lets hope its the case

Haven’t we all. ... Except for those that don’t like this pairing...

4) It’s nice to see platinum trying to help blue move things was a good chapter with nice interactions with the juniors and seniors all under the same roof

It’s like a big Dex Holder family! ... But not too big, since there are far too many of them nowadays! And despite Platinum not really wanting to get involved, she helps out anyways, as “foretold” by the Headcanon Chronology!

5) While Moon really should rest, the idea of her getting that Spirit of Vengeance team you posted about on your Tumblr sounds way too awesome. ...Also Umbreon bias since it's my first (and only) shiny, but yeah.

Poor Blue - it really is probably only going to hurt her the longer she keeps it in. Wonder how that is going to play out, since I guess Platinum's now put things in motion. I think the first scene in this chapter is the one I enjoyed the most.

Damn, for Moon's Pokemon to die like that...that's gotta be traumatizing. I have to admire that determination though, even though she's shaping up to be a revenge-obsessed character from what I see.

Awesome chapter as always and can't wait for the next one!

Hehe. Spirit of Vengeance. The amount of curse in that team would be quite terrifying. Hehehe... ... Only shiny, you say? Aww...

Platinum has gotten the ball rolling despite not really wanting to. MVP of the confession? Hehe... Sisterly bonds, indeed. Now, will it work out in favor for Blue??

Moon can’t be filled with a lust for vengeance if none of her friends and Pokemon have perished. And so now she rises from her agony with ice cold determination for blood to be spilled for the blood that had been shed. ... Or does that saying go the other way around? Heh. Regardless. She’s pissed, has a bow, lethal poison, and soon to be a team packed with ghosts (and Dark types).

Thank you as always! And you won’t have to wait long~!

6) Eh lucky really isnt my cup of tea but the way you write stories is pretty awesome keep up the good work!

I could tell by the anon ID you picked. To each their own. And thank you!

7) Awww blue being so shy hahahaha. Its like the roles have reversed since the first time they met thats so cute! Anyway Great story as usual

Hehe. Timid Blue~! It’s new and very cute, isn’t it? And thank you.

8) Hey man Great story looking forward to the next chapter

Thank you. It’s coming very soon.

9) Wow this is A really underrated story I really like how you keep most characters so in character!

Still underrated... in comparison to my previous stuff. But that’s to be expected, I guess. And thank you.

10) Well Colour me surprised ! A Pokemon story thats not forcing crack pairings! Anyway Where is green in this story?

Heh. Crack pairings... Only once in a solar eclipse. And... who? Heh. He’s in Kalos and thus off screen.

11) Wtf did moons Pokemon just die? Great story but damn thats fucking dark

Yes they perished in the fire. “Die, insect” and all. ... And one of them was an insect! Heh. Ahem. ... Dark? That’s not dark. Have you seen the stuff I did in SA and Destiny? Heh...

12) I mean I kinda like the story but isnt specialshipping canon? Also this is really really dark

No, it’s not canon. What is canon is that Yellow has a crush on Red. What’s also canon is that Red is uncomfortable with the idea. And of course he is. He thought she was a guy the whole time and then suddenly found out all at once that she was a girl and had a crush on him. His response is not going to be positive. And again, this is not dark. ... Though I guess that depends on your sensitivity.

13) hey sorry for not leaving A review for so long but I still really like the story lol!

Hey, you’re back. ... Then... who’s the anon with the v2 of your ID?

14) I love your writing style!

Thank you!

15) I somehow found Pearl smacking Black across the face to wake him up funnier than it should’ve been. Haha

I wonder if Blue really will confess to Red today. If so, I wonder how the opportunity would present itself.

Its quite sad that Hau, Lillie, and two of Moon’s Pokemon died. I guess this is where Moon’s overhaul comes in. I cant wait to see Moon’s viciousness unleashed when she inevitably meets the guys responsible for all that.

I look forward to more!

Hehe. Black always getting smacked around in my stories, literally and figuratively.

Will Blue truly confess on that day (which is a day before the stuff in Alola happens), or will she fail again due to anxiety? And will it end well for her??

Moon’s overhaul is happening now, yes. For that, she’ll have to go to Galar too. And I don’t know sh*t about that region, so... that’ll be difficult. Hehe. And much later in the story when she meets her foe... oho, Rage Unleashed Moon!

16) Moon and Lillie sure get burned really bad. Also, what about the kid with the malasadas? Hopefully, Blue will confessed to Red soon...

The local boy with the malasada had the same fate as Lillie. Two stretchers with a body on top, with the white blankets pulled all the way up.

17) I figured that now would be the best time to give a review for one of your works. therefore, I should review my personal favourite.

I been a consistent and long-time reader for numerous years now without ever leaving a review. I simply didn't have an account until recently just so I can give my thoughts on some of the series that you make.

Regarding Legacy as a whole, it truely showcases your ability to take the wide variety of dexholders and thiee different personalities and place them in situations that would absolutely never occur in the actual story. I have always loved the way you portray each individual character, improving thier teama and strategies and having genuine character growth. Although Sun and Moon are my uncontested favourite characters so far, I adore the way you use Platinum B in your stories, giving her a genuine personality and character traits.

You also generate a wide range of different and creative settings for each of the characters to go through. Legacy is the perfect example of this in terms of one truely coherent story setting. by using the opportunity of the highest stakes that these dexholders may ever face, you use the opportunity to explore all of the aspects of each character amazingly and how they would face this danger.

Since Sun and Moon are my favourite characters, the wait for this chapter absolutely killed me. Although it sucks that due to the lack of reviews for these characters I will get few opportunties to read your way of presenting the characters What I am trying to say is that the way you write your characters makes them feel REAL. I genuinely believe that these are the actual characters as they personalties are replicated and refined to perfection The way both Sun and Moon react in this chapter is exactly the way I would have expected them to. Being a Deliveryshipping day 1, seeing even the slightest interactions in any media, especially in your stories always brings joy to me. I have regulary reread most of your works such as Special Chronicals and Distinct Events becuase each story is chapter is amazing in its own right.

Your amazing work has inspired me to possibly start my own project one day. I am sorry for the stress that you have gone through this year and the issues with the Discord. It will get better this year. Seeing as you use reviews to indicate the popularity of a particular series, I had to write this review so that this series can get the update it deserves so that we can all see how this fantastic story ends. Thank your for all of the amazing work you have done.

Whoa, hello. Haven’t gotten a review this long since a certain someone stopped with Destiny reviews back in July.

Accounts aren’t necessary for the reviews. Guest reviews exist! And if you use the same anon ID, I’d know it’s you. But thank you for going through the effort! It’s much appreciated!

Aww, thank you very much! <3 And while I don’t know about Sun, but Moon is going to be in the spotlight quite a lot, so enjoy it! Since Platinum is my uncontested favorite, she gets plenty of development in my stories, with new character bonds, teams, battling style, etc. And unlike in DPPt, she actually gets to do things against the enemy.

Of the three major stories I’ve written (SA, Destiny, Legacy), Legacy has the lowest stakes. But I think it’s also the most personal, which I guess means it’s much more important for individual Dex Holders. Well, we’ll see as time passes. And yes, these are kind of things that would never happen in the actual arcs, so the Dex Holders get to be stress-tested. How would they react given their personalities, tics, relationships, etc, in a realistic situation?

Oh. ... Ahem. Sorry for making you wait 7 months. Ehehe... And while it’s true that Sun and Moon currently have the lowest “viewership”, that changes as time passes. Like Black and White in SA and X and Y in Destiny. As the “meh” torch is passed down to Sword and Shield, Sun and Moon might rise in popularity, thus increasing the chances of them appearing in my stories.

I don’t really know if this was how Sun would react though. But I also don’t know how he would’ve actually reacted, so this might not be outside the possibility range. I kind of had him act like Black, really, but without being as sweet... or loud. Well, there will be more Sun & Moon interactions for you to enjoy in the upcoming chapters, so... there you go!

You should start your own project! Go for it! And eh, Discord. Sh*t happens. I wouldn’t call that stress. Anyways. Yes, I use the review count as an indicator of how many people have finished the chapter. Of course, there are plenty of people who read the chapter to the end without reviewing, and the number of people who review after reading tends to fluctuate. But if there is a trend, that indicates a trend in viewership as well. And that is what I look at. Hence the charts. And yes. We’d all like to see how the story ends. Me included. Keep up with the reviews and we’ll all see it by 2021.

And thank you so much for the review and the... sweet talking. Hehe <3

18) Just found this story and am enjoying it thoroughly. Big fan of your Blue characterization as well, I used to enjoy shipping Red with Yellow, but recently, I've come to enjoy Blue with Red.

A small nitpick - Did none of the juniors comment on Red and Blue sleeping in the same room/bed while they stayed in Red's house in the last two chapters? I would assume the female juniors already know Blue likes Red and so won't say anything unnecessary, but I guess the guys are a little more tactful than we give them credit for?

Looking forward to me. Cheers.

Red with Blue works very well. And it’s cute! Hehe... ... biased.

Heh. The girls... already know, since the girls who are in the house were Platinum, White, and Y, and they already know of Blue’s crush and all that. So White and Y would just snicker at the fact that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed, while Platinum would just smile. As for the boys... Diamond might notice something if he spent more time talking to Red and Blue before and after. But I doubt Pearl or Black would notice anything odd. They’d probably just assume that Red and Blue are sharing the bed because a ton of guests were sleeping in the living room, so there were no other options.

Of course, all that’s assuming that the juniors know that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed. I don’t recall having Red and Blue give them a tour of the house, so as far as the juniors know, there might be another bed upstairs. ... Though a house tour is generally the first thing you do, but... heh. Ambiguity. No one knows for sure.

And I look forward to seeing more reviews from you!

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Well well. Would you look at THAT. Way above the average now. So... looks like I’ll have to keep my word and update Legacy again before this year ends in 3 days. Heh. Of course, I did notice a few things but... well... whatever.

18. That’s the most reviews I’ve gotten in a chapter in all of 2019. Or 2018. ... And vast majority of 2017 (Legacy Prologue - Kanto was in January 2017). If this kind of thing happened much more frequently, I would be updating Legacy like once every two weeks, instead of 3~4 times in a year.

But, there you have it! New record in almost 3 years. As a result... Legacy update in 3 days.

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DE #031

1) Sun and moon are so cute. I love them

Support the new...ish pairing!

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And with that, DE #031 is no longer in the top 4 least reviewed. Yay!

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SC #017

1) Awesome story.

Thank you.

2) Well that was...brutal alright. Thugs deserved it though. I'm mildly surprised no one died, but I think that's more because I'm used to seeing that from your old "doom hammer" chapters.

I admit the Santa part was an amusing touch, and I guess that explains why you needed to release this by the end of the year. Heh, Blue's gadgets are useful as always and very effective - that's a nice disguise. That action scene was awesome and easily the best scene in this chapter. The situation aside...it was nice to see Red be a hero even without his Pokemon.

You were right - this is an enjoyable chapter and I like this "brutal Red" experiment. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Heh. The doom hammer is for serious stories. Not comical ones. So no one dies in the hands of Santa Claus. This time.

Ahem. Well, there’s the inspiration for the chapter, and the reason behind the line of “Or Santa will go jolly on your naughty asses with a candy cane axe”. Hehe. Cheers, everyone, Santa has come to town!

And the duo of Red and Blue becomes much stronger. Mercenary Red with technological support!

Hehe. Much more serious brutal Red (instead of comical) to come up later as the experimentation continues. Ohoho!

3) holy crud, santa beating up a gang is greatest thing ever

Yep. Santa going to town on their naughty asses with a candy cane bat. What’s not to love?

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And with that, the latest SC chapter is now in the top 4 least reviewed. For now?

... Looks like the “A Day at Work” chapters are failing miserably, since they’re at 1 and 3 reviews respectively. So... I guess I won’t be doing that again.

And with this, the longest review response post of 2019 has come to an end.

[harrysdimples]

ok lol sooo my Harrie origin story is well lmao just wait. so I became a fan of zayn when pillowtalk came out but like I didn’t know who he was?? I thought he was a new artist lol and I heard it on the radio and lOVED it. so then I looked into him to see if he had any other music, and I found out he was in—as I knew them as—the harry styles band. I had a brief passing interest in 1d caused by that doc they did, but I genuinely didn’t give a fuck about the rest of them askdkak like ok when 1/?

under the cut because it’s quite long but mega cute!!! can I be part of ur relationship pls? im personally rooting for u. the dunkirk part reminds me of my friend going to see it with her mum and at the end her mum turning to her and going “that guy in the film really looked like harry styles, that’s so weird isn’t it?” lol 

I watched it it was at a friends house ok, and we both knew of harry and thought he was hot lmao and she’d seen it, and we skipped over all the parts where harry wasn’t doing anything. I think we only watched the performance where he got pantsed? lmao. so I knew of him, but in a like follow-accounts-that-posts-hot-pics of him sorta way?? so then when I realized he and zayn were both in 1d, I was like wtf. And I looked into the rest of them to see if I missed anything else and then was like 

2/? (that’s kind of joke, plenty of ppl seem to like that blonde one and I’m sure they have like great personalities or something. I rlly don’t know. If u like, good on u ig). Alright so! Then i was like living my life, appreciating harry and zayn, and starting to be interested in harry like aside from his face and zayn. But then he like disappeared and zayn was too difficult for me to like ~follow (I have a short attention span) and then! My bf at the time was like hey, let’s see this new movie

4?/? and so we went. And I’m sitting there, like dreading this like historical movie that doesn’t even have like a girl to admire at least (tho jack lowden was a nice bonus!), when all of sudden I see this boy that looks reaaal familiar. So I IMDb it right then and there lol and it’s harry! And I was like wtf he acts too?? How did I miss that?? (Turns out hes only done that, like what!) so I search him up when I get home, and I find out first that he’s got a lil doc! That behind the scenes thing 

5/? a pic of harry with like lace titties (my weakness) in his met gala look. And we start texting again, then we decide to go for drinks (to talk about harry, ofc..), and I’m kinda not super invested in harry, but like. She’s hot! So I play it up. Anyway, long story short, we’ve been dating since July (my longest relationship yet!) and she keeps way involved harrys like life lol to the point where I feel like a proper harrie now! We’re really looking forward to seeing him on tour again, without 

6/? a pesky bf in the way. We’re also really hoping that when he says the album is about having sex and being sad or whatever he means he’ll have at least one like proper sexy song to uh ya know, experience to its full (sexy) potential lmao. So yeah! Sorry this is long af, my gf is laughing at me. She made me get a tumblr and she says I suck at it asfsjsk lmaooo 7/7 (I think?? whoops lol)