#spicing it up with some non-writing emojis

[tom-whore-dleston]

Barbie and the 900 Followers

HOLY SHIZZZ!!! I'm freaking out in silence but I am just extremely thankful to have met so many amazing folks like y'all! I love you guys for real 🥹🫶🏽

Since the Barbie movie releases in almost a year, I thought I'd hype up the movie in advance with a Barbie themed sleepover. No sleepover is complete without our fave doll 😊 Plus, Simu is in it so I gotta give the husband my full support bahaha

*in Margot Robbie's Barbie voice* NOW WHO'S READY FOR SOME FUN????

In the Barbie world:

Starts: July 16 @ 9am (PST)

Ends: July 18 @ 11:59pm (PST)

You are welcome to send in asks before the sleepover starts, but I won’t start responding to them until the start time.

As always, please be 18+ to participate! If I do not see any indication of your age in your bio or you do not have any posts/reblogs, you will be blocked! No exceptions!!

You don’t have to be following me to participate. Everyone is welcome 😊

I disabled anon feature to avoid meanies and minors.

Please send one emoji per ask. You don’t have to worry about spamming my inbox, I will see everything 😉

I will not write/discuss anything revolving around non-con, underage, a/b/o, bathroom kinks, blood kinks (only exception is vampire AU if applicable), incest, step-cest, foot fetish, pregnancy/babies.

I only write for female reader inserts with no specific race/ethnicity, hair/eye/skin color, body type, etc.

I reserve the right to deny writing/discussing any other things that make me uncomfortable.

C'mon Barbie, let's go party!

Ken Loves Barbie 👩🏼‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏼 - Mutuals only! ask me who I ship you with and I will write a lil sumn on your relationship with them (will only ship with fictional hotties) 

Blonde Bimbo Girl 👱🏻‍♀️ - Writer followers! send me a fic that you wrote and I will give you a good ol’ tom-whore-dleston essay review

Life in plastic 👠 - Send me a hottie and a prompt from one of lists below and I'll write a quick fic (feel free to add AUs/tropes/etc. for some flavor)

fluff/smut/physical || angst 1 & 2

You're my doll 💄 - Let’s play an ask game (cym, fmk, wyr, etc). Feel free to spice it up to your liking 😉

Dress me up👗 - Send me any scenarios or concepts that you envision for any of my AUs (Teach Me Tonight, Honey Baby, The Avengers Sweethearts) and I will write a drabble or head canon for them

Dreamhouse Adventures 🏠 - send me an AU/trope + hottie and I will make a moodboard (check out previous moodboards I have made for ideas)

Feel the glamour in pink 💖 - the floor is yours to get to know me better, thirst over a hottie, talk about your day, etc. Please just be respectful and do not send me any celeb discourse!

Oh, I love you, Ken 💘

♥ Real life hotties ♥

Simu Liu*, Tom Hiddleston, Tom Holland, Austin Butler*, Barry Keoghan, Andrew Garfield, Harry Styles, Oscar Isaac, Michael B. Jordan, Benedict Cumberbatch, Hayden Christensen

♥ Fictional hotties ♥

Marvel: Loki Laufeyson, Xu Shang-Chi/Shangqi*, Peter Parker (any variant), Xu Wenwu, Erik Kilmonger, Scott Lang, Thor Odinson*, Druig, Kingo, Eros/Starfox, Sam Wilson, Pietro Maximoff (Age of Ultron), Joaquin Torres, Bucky Barnes, Moonknight (all alters)*, Stephen Strange

Star Wars: Din Djarin, Anakin Skywalker*, Obi Wan Kenobi, Poe Dameron

Other: Kim Jung* (Kim’s Convenience), any of Sim Liu’s SNL characters (I am dead serious), Adam (Only Lovers Left Alive), Johnathan Pine (The Night Manager), Robert Laing (High Rise), James Conrad (Kong: Skull Island), Nathan Drake (Uncharted), Arvin Russel (The Devil All The Time)

An * indicates who I am simping for most at the moment and highly encourage asks for them!

dividers: @firefly-in-darkness

[hunxi-guilai]

🕵️‍♀️ and 😳

(for the end of year content meme, last loose end, promise y’all)

🕵️‍♀️ a detail i’m really proud of

ahhh, not to be like, constantly on my time war wangxian bullshit, but it is my longest and most ambitious project to date, so it’s pretty fresh on my mind

I did write 14k words of annotations like a nerd on details/references that I put a gratuitous amount of care and thought into, but on a non-referential level, I am quite happy with some of the narration-level callbacks to past lines in the fic! So for example, there’s this line from Wei Wuxian’s POV, maybe two-thirds of the way into the fic:

He is drifting between the gaseous arms of a nebula, thinking about natural disasters and supernovas, dreaming of songs filling the silence between suns. 

that is a callback to these specific lines from Lan Wangji’s letter, several thousand words earlier:

We were elegant, deadly, genius, unstoppable—we were the ocean storm making landfall, the fissure of earth during volcanic eruption, the silent lash of star-stuff before a supernova. 

as well as Wei Wuxian’s third letter, way back at the beginning of the fic:

What songs fill the silences between the stars of your future skies?

OG Time War is similar to CQL in a way, in that your second read/second watch-through just hits different with foreknowledge of what happens, so I tried to incorporate that level of double-meaning into my writing as well. While revising this fic, I ended up discovering some accidental fridge brilliance that had me mouthing “oh fuck you” at my own fic draft, which was both delightful and a bit surreal

😳 a piece that turned out better than i was expecting

once again, SSMB! For a while, I considered not posting it because it was so goddamn niche, but after throwing it on the internet and running away, I found out that the overlap of “CQL fandom” and “people who know what Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake is” was actually more than just me (and my beta, who I’ve been dragging with me everywhere, I’m so sorry, thank you for your tireless service). And while I don’t think this fic was at all in its most polished or sophisticated iteration when I jettisoned it onto AO3, people really seemed vibe with it, and honestly, what more could I ask for?

[unrestedjade]

Baseless Ferengi headcanons no one asked for and that get increasingly queer-navel-gazing and self indulgent because the horrible space goblins have consumed my brain:

- Mobile ears, because if hearing is so well developed and important to them they should be able to aim those big stupid radar dishes. Also because then they can emote with them and that's cute. THE AESTHETIC IS PARAMOUNT.

- Since they canonically sharpen their teeth with chew sticks and sharpeners, their teeth must grow continuously. So I submit: subcultures that let certain teeth grow out as a fashion/political statement. Ferengi punks and anarchists with 5" tusks. Ferengi with all their teeth filed flat (mom and dad HATE it).

- Corollary to the above, most of their teeth are crooked. At the least, they don't share our fetish for straight teeth. What if their teeth are deciduous, and there's no point in trying to force them into perfect alignment, since they'll just fall out and get replaced? So like, sharks but their teeth can also grow longer with no limit. WHAT HAST EVOLUTION WROUGHT ON FERENGINAR :V

- Parents nagging their kids to sharpen their teeth "or they'll grow up into your brain and you'll die :)"

- Personal space? Don't know her.

Okay I need a cut because there's too many now. WHOLE SOCIETY OF GAY HOMOPHOBIC UNCLES AND AUNTS GO I HAVE A PROBLEM

- I can't remember who on here put forth the idea of them having retractable claws but Yes. :3

- Pushing back against the worst canon episode a bit but: relative ear size being the only obvious sexually dimorphic trait, and even that having enough of a gray area that the only way to be 100% sure you're talking to a male or female Ferengi is if you do a blood test. Unless they're intersex! *shrug emoji*

- This is why they're so fanatical about gender conformity and their Victorian "separate spheres" attitude to men and women's roles. Capitalist patriarchy is fragile! And as artificial to Ferengi as it ever was to Humans! (self-indulgenceeeee about gender shiiiiit)

- You know how with domesticated rabbits, the rabbit getting groomed and paid attention to is the boss? Yeah. Go ahead and paint your bestie's nails, just don't be surprised if she cops a little bit of an attitude with you from then on.

- Their fight/flight/freeze/fawn instincts skew heavily toward the last three, and what a lot of other species read as annoying sucking up is the Ferengi in question feeling anxious and unsafe. Especially if they don't feel integrated into the group. Even being at the bottom of the pecking order is better than not being in the flock at all.

- If they DO opt for fight, it's ugly and typically their last resort. Bites or scratches will get infected without intervention-- microbes that their immune system can handle could cause big trouble for aliens. You might wanna check for full or partial teeth that break off and get lodged in the wound, too.

- Too many of these are tooth related but I don't care. :B More teeth stuff: you know what else has teeth that grow constantly? Puffer fish. Likewise, Ferengi can chew up mollusk shells as easy as potato chips, and they need the minerals for their teeth. (Imagine grandpa Sisko offering Nog a crayfish for the first time and watching as he just...pops the whole damn thing in his mouth and crunches away...)

- Their staple foods seem to be grubs and other arthropods, high in protein and fat. I've unilaterally decided their cuisine also involves a lot of edible fungi, ferns, plant shoots and seeds. Gotta get those vitamins. Overall flavor profile leaning toward umami, vegetal, and fresh herbs, and pretty mild (or "delicate" if you wanna be snooty about it, which a Ferengi probably would let's be real).

- Not much sugary food. I'm basing this solely on Quark's aversion to root beer as "cloying". Which could definitely just be his personal preference, but most of the people I hear hating on root beer cite the actual sassafras/sarsaparilla flavor (saying it tastes like medicine) not the sweetness. Nog might be the weirdo outlier for being able to enjoy it.

- Their home planet isn't bright and sunny, so their eyes are better at discerning shades of gray in low light conditions, with relatively weak color vision. Which could explain why they dress Like That.

- Conversely, human music has a reputation for stinking on ice because a lot of it is juuuuust lightly dissonant or out of tune because we can't pick up flaws that small. Ferengi can, and it drives them up the *wall*.

- Music? So many different kinds. Traditionally, maybe lots of percussion and winds, and water as a common component of many instruments to alter pitch or tone. Polyphony out the ass. Some of the modern stuff is an impenetrable wall of sound if you're not a species with a lot of brain real estate devoted to processing sounds. Pick out one melody to follow at a time.

- Yes, back to teeth again I'm sorry. It's a sickness. At some point in their history, pre-chewing food was just something you did for your baby or great grandma as a matter of necessity. Possibly your baby gets an important boost to their immune system and gut biome from your spit. At some point takes on a more formal intimacy aspect and gradually drifted from something all adults and older kids do to something only women do. Your husband and older kids have perfectly functional teeth, but you love them, right? =_= (Think old memes about husbands being useless in the kitchen if little wifey isn't there to cook, but even more ridiculous. Ishka was right about everything but especially this. Thank you for making your family chew their own food, Ishka. Not all heroes wear capes. Or anything!)

- How did they get started on the whole men: clothed vs women: unclothed nonsense? My equally stupid idea: men just get cold easier. Those huge ears dissipate a ton of body heat. Cue Ferengi cliches like "jeez, we could be standing on the surface of the sun and my husband would put on another layer." At some point, again, this got codified and pushed to ridiculous extremes in the name of controlling women and keeping everyone in their assigned box, to the point that women just have to shiver if they really are too cold and men have to pass out from heat stroke if the alternative is going shirtless, because That Would Be Inappropriate.

- Marriages default to five years, but they're also the only avenue for women to have their own household or any stability. Plus their religion places no emphasis on purity save for pure adherence to the free market and the RoA. So, curveball to the rest of their patriarchal bullshit: female virginity isn't a concern in the least. Bring it up and they'll rightly side-eye you.

- Family law is absolutely bonkers and lawyers that specialize in it make BANK. I feel like custody would default to the father usually but oh wait, the maternal grandfather has a legal stake in this, too, and your next father-in-law is asking HOW many kids are you dragging into my daughter's house, etc etc. Growing up with a full sibling is way rarer than growing up with half or stepsiblings, since it usually takes both men and women two or three tries to find someone they vibe with. (Not love, unless you're super cringe.)

- A misogynistic society is a homophobic society. Imo those flavors of shittiness just come in pairs. Homosexual behaviors are fine within certain parameters (aka "always have sex with the boss") but not on your own terms. To add spice, bisexuality is their most common mode (because I'm bi and these are my hcs for my fics I'm not writing, so there), but capitalism demands fresh grist for the mill so you better get het-married and pop out some kids you lowly peons. You have a choice so make the proper one. :)

- Corollary to the above, that doesn't keep all kinds of illicit "we're just friends with quid-pro-quo benefits for realsies" affairs of every stripe and every gender from going on everywhere. Many Ferengi have a lightbulb moment somewhere in early adulthood when they figure out their dad's business partner or the "auntie" who visited their mom every month had a little more going on.

- Plus there's way more gender non-conformity and varying degrees of trans-ing than the powers that be have a handle on. Pel isn't unique, even if most would have to somehow make it out into space to be able to thrive.

Damn a lot of these are just my personal bugbears plus THE GILDED AGE BUT WITH HAIRLESS SPACE RODENTS ain't they

- Women can't earn profit, okay. But lending or "lending" things to each other isn't commerce, riiiiiiight? To be assigned female is to master navigating a vast, dizzying barter/gift economy. Smart boys and men leverage this, too, and there are splinter sects that view this as the purest expression of the Great Material Continuum.

- Of course plenty of women make profit anyway, and just do their bast to dodge the FCA. The tough thing about insisting on using latinum as currency is that cash can be so hard to track, you know?

- Because of the RoA, guys are discouraged from doing favors or giving gifts without setting clear expectation of getting some return on investment. This can twist into an expression of friendship (and of course women do it too), and the ledger will keep cycling between debit and credit among friends for decades. A common mistake aliens make is to tell them recompense isn't needed without explaining why, or return their favor or present with something that zeroes out the debt. The Ferengi will assume you want to break off the friendship. (I cribbed this from dim memories of an African studies course I took in 2007 and whose textbook I know I still have but I can't frigging find it...)

- Flirting, they do a lot of it for a lot of reasons. Roddenberry made it clear that they're just straight up pretty horny, but there's no reason it can't pull double duty for building alliances with other people, smoothing over feuds or disagreements, or cementing friendships. Ferengi who are ace and/or sex-repulsed are possibly viewed similar to the way we'd view someone who's "not a hugger/not big on touching" and if they flirt just don't get offended if it doesn't go any further; aro Ferengi don't garner much comment aside from an occasional "wow how badass, never falling in love with anyone."

- where to even start on making sense of the Blessed Exchequer??? Like seriously, what is this literal prosperity gospel insanity, I need to force myself to re-read Rand and like, some Milton Friedman for this shit. Help.

- fuck I'm probably going to actually do that, RIP me...

[yakuzacasual]

Could you do some general dating hcs for Hamura? :)

PREFACE

YES, HELLO! Surprisingly enough I have not vanished into thin air! I was actually stuck between watching a really entertaining drama, playing three games at a time and also the sudden influx of gaming conferences, but with the Direct Mini concluded I am now back on track. The request box is closed for the time being! I need to catch up a bit with all the lovely ideas I still have stuck in the box just waiting to get worked on. And with that said, WE’RE BACK WITH HAMURA!! Thank you so much for this, Non. I absolutely love this man and I was waiting until someone prompted me to write about him! Please enjoy and have a great day ;) IN THIS HOUSEHOLD STAN THE RAT KING!!

RELATIONSHIP 101 WITH HAMURA

He doesn’t really care to hide his occupation from his partner, after all he takes great pride in being part of the Matsugane family and they should be ready to fully embrace that if they wish to have anything remotely serious with him. That, however, does not mean he will let you anywhere near his yakuza business, no matter if you are just a simple civilian or part of a family like himself. You are always being held at arm’s length, with vague explanations of his current work and a whole lot of dismissive gestures. Hamura is very protective over you and does everything in his power to make sure that nothing he ever does puts you in danger. For the sake of your safety, he makes sure that in any official statements there are no tracks that would allow anyone to link you back to him.

His dates are the absolute fanciest, but it’s not like he just drags you around the top restaurants and lets you eat whatever you want. That would be so boring! Instead, every month Hamura comes up with a different theme of food, drinks or place to spice up your outings a bit. For instance, you both decided on having an animal themed month last time! That included trips to the biggest ZOOs, aquariums and cute cafes filled with intractable animals of your choice. Honestly, Hamura will gladly go with even the wildest idea of yours and make every dream come true. Not only do you never get bored, but it gives you a chance to experience different establishments all over Tokyo!

Hamura really enjoys joining you for shopping trips, especially the ones for clothes. While he does have a preference for all kinds of sexy and tight clothing, there is nothing more pleasurable to him than seeing you in clothes that you personally feel comfortable with. Rather than giving you his opinions on given articles of clothing, he takes his time to appreciate you showing off outfits, especially if you make it into a bit of a show for his entertainment. He definitely won’t force himself onto you, but let him help you with some zippers here and there and this man will be putty in your hands!

This man does not deal well with technology. Actually, this man does not deal with technology at all. Social media? Communicators? Memes? Emojis? He may act like he knows what this whole thing is about, but in reality the concept of utilizing them in day-to-day life is extremely foreign to him. And as you may expect, he doesn’t hide that too well. Overuse of emojis completely irrelevant to the topic at hand, misuse of certain internet slang, constant misinterpretation of your words or moods and being left on read for hours at a time is an everyday occurance when dating Hamura. You may have tried to teach him the absolute basics several times, but each and every one of them it ends with him slithering his way out with some compliments. He simply refuses to learn, maybe just for the sake of having you explain that again and again, and again. After all, it is very attractive of you.

[thewritingstar]

1-200 we're all in quarantine so got nothing to do. Might as well ask pls

oo anon you were gonna ask anyways lol. But I did this hella quick during a zoom.....

1. What is your middle name?

-Rose

2. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name?

-Star

2. Do you have any allergies?

-Penicillin (not really thou), but no

4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?

-Lower back

5. How well can you write in cursive?

-Its readable

6. Name one item on your bucket list.

-Going to all the Disney parks in the world

7. Have you ever been on a blind date?

-haven’t even been on a real date

8. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?

-prob like five years ago and its jeans

9. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant?

-nothing like I have to dress up but maybe once a year??

10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?

-rules don’t apply in text

11. Can you drive stick?

-hell no

12. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

-japan because I think it would be so cool

13. Nutella or peanut butter?

-NUTELLA

14. At what age did you have your first kiss?

-...............ahahhahahh

15. DC or Marvel?

-DC. Harley Quinn owns my ass

16. Have you ever hosted a wild party?

-my parties consist of drinking capri suns and playing cards against humanity and Mario kart

17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it?

-...ooof haven’t read a book in a while

18. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with?

-my mom

19. Have you ever donated blood?

-I was apart of a cancer study so I used to donate my blood (and pee) to science

20. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays?

-8 I love to decorate but I’m not allow near the Christmas trees

21. Coffee or tea?

-vaniila iced lattes or raspberry ice tea own me

22. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?

-Vanilla bean frap with extra vanilla

23. Last show you binge watched?

-currently its assassination classroom

24. Dogs or cats?

-puppy’s

25. Favorite animated Disney character?

-Jessica Rabbit, Dumbo, Rey, Tamatoa and Guedo

26. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself?

-mostly baking for my family

27. Favorite winter activity?

-Staying inside

28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?

-probably

29. Can you blow a bubble gum bubble?

-yes

30. How early in the year do you start celebrating Christmas?

-my mom plays Xmas music year round

31. What emoji best describes your life right now?

-the wilting rose

32. Are you fluent in more than one language?

-nope

33. What is the longest you’ve ever kept a New Year’s resolution?

-I don’t make them

34. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? Did you gain any of the weight back?

-I’m on a diet to gain weight and its not going well

35. Are any of your grandparents still alive?

-only on my moms side

36. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions?

-hahaha my face gives everything away and I can read people pretty well

37. Have you ever gotten a commercial jingle stuck in your head?

-EDUCATION CONNECTION! Get connected for free

38. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was over?

-Nope

39. Do you consider rapping singing?

-rapping is in its own ballpark...its why its called rapping

40. Does your home have a fireplace?

Yep

41. Favorite non-chocolate candy?

-sour gummies worms

42. If you could have only one superpower, what would you want and why?

-oooof ummmmmm maybe teleportation

43. Have you ever locked your keys in your car?

44. Do you listen to any religious music?

-noooooooooo

45. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?

-I hate soda

46. What was your ACT score?

-do not do me like this (21)

47. Rice or quinoa?

-rice

48. From 1-10, how good of a driver do you consider yourself?

-like an 8

49. Do you like horror movies?

-nope

50. How easily do you cry?

-uh depends on what it is

51. Do you have any tattoos? If so, of what and where?

-no but I want some

52. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

-being dumb and quoting tik toks at target

53. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit?

-not very well

54. Can you play any musical instruments? If so, which ones?

-no

55. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

-middle of the road

56. Last CD you bought?

-Folklore by Taylor Swift

57. Do you like roller coasters?

-yessss but they cant be extremely tall

58. What day of the week is laundry day for you?

-uhhh depends on when I have time

59. Have you ever played spin the bottle?

-uh maybe once but I was in fourth grade and walked away

60. How long have you known your best friend?

-I’ve known my bestie for 16 years (met when we were 4)

61. Can you eat using chopsticks?

-yes!! I usually eat my Chinese food with them

62. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of?

-no because I need to get a case for my iMac and iPad

63. How often do you say y'all?

-every fucking day. Y’all is my go too

64. Favorite flavor of ice cream?

-cookie dough, pralines and cream, blue raspberry sherbert, vanilla, coffee

65. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?

-my longest relationship was like three weeks in fourth grade with my friends cousin who I saw twice

66. Star Trek or Star Wars?

-haven’t seen either but prob Star Wars cause r2d2 is cute

67. How good are you at math?

-ehhh I’m okay at stats

68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?

-used to do the plays in middle school :)

69. How often do you read/pay attention to your horoscope?

-not much my horoscope but just my sign in general

70. What is the shortest your hair has ever been?

-just above my shoulders

71. Have you ever broken any bones?

-my big toe

72. Do you like to go fishing?

-nooooooo I went fishing once and it pooped on me

73. Do you believe in evolution?

-of course

74. Favorite costume you wore for Hallowen? How old were you?

-I was perry the platypus…. 19

75. Real or fake Christmas trees?

-fake!!! WHO WANTS TO CLEAN THAT UP???

76. How many pillows do you sleep with?

-usually 1-2 but like 5 in the winter

77. Do you live in an apartment or a house?

-House rn

78. How many of your friends are of the opposite gender?

-in my close circle, one but I do have many boy homies

79. Have you ever had a near-death experience?

-many times

80. How long have you been at your current job?

-four weeks

81. What kind of car do you drive (year, brand, model, color)?

-white car

82. How flexible are you?

-not super but mama can bend

83. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship?

-haven’t even started one

84. Phrase you say the most?

-“I’m uncomfortable” “Y’all” “I would let J.D from heathers…..”

85. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it?

-no but I wish

86. Do you own any homemade clothing?

-not that I know of

87. Do you like fast food?

-yessss

88. Have you ever given anyone CPR?

-nope

89. Have you ever learned to do anything from a how-to video on YouTube?

-I fixed my moms glasses yesterday with a video so she wouldn’t have to spend a shit ton of money

90. Describe your sense of humor.

-if Always Sunny in Philadelphia and “vine comp that butters my eggroll” had a baby

92. Favorite cereal?

-no

93. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show?

-no

94. Have you ever gotten a TV theme song stuck in your head?

-Sugar, spice and everything nice, these were the ingredients…….

95. Do you believe in ghosts?

-indifferent

96. Do you think there is life on other planets?

-hell yeah

97. Have you ever given money to a street performer?

-yep

98. Your deepest fear?

-lets not go there

99. Pancakes or waffles?

-waffles but I don’t even like them that much

100. Are you still friends with anyone from high school?

-yep, my friend circle dates back to elementary

101. From 1-10, how good of a dancer do you consider yourself?

-7

102. How much of a patient person are you?

-I can be extremely patient. Once waited three hours in a dressing room with my friend and I didn’t have a phone

103. Do you know your IQ?

-no but its prob god level

104. Do you eat meat at all?

-mama loves meat

105. Do you own any clothes from a garage sale or a thrift store?

-I think so

106. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market?

-yess my mom used to take me to flea markets all the time

107. Have you ever quit a job?

-early this year

108. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

-many times

109. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over and over again and enjoy just as much each time?

-robots to ratatouille

110. Do you or have you ever worn glasses?

-just sun glasses

111. Have you ever skinny dipped?

-when I was like 6

112. Are your birth parents still together?

-yep

113. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show?

-not that I know of

114. Favorite type of cookie?

-chocolate chip or the sugar cookies with the pink frosting on them (I’m a whore for them)

115. Have you ever been broken up with?

-nope

116. How often do you smile when getting your picture taken?

-most of the time

117. Have you ever accidentally dialed 911?

-yes I have and I was 6 and bullied for it for years by my uncle even though my cousins tricked me into doing it

118. Oldest memory?

-throwing a chair at a kid in preschool for stealing my cookie

119. Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank?

-nope

120. How often do you snort when you laugh?

-uhhhh a lot

121. From 1-10, how good of a singer do you consider yourself?

-5

122. Favorite Disney song?

-uuuuuuhhh Shiny, See the Light, Why Don’t you Do Right, Show Yourself

123. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

-hopefully in la

124. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?

-I’m an advocate

125. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true?

-I think so

126. Name one thing you wish people would stop posting on social media.

-fascist, racist, homophobia stuff

127. Last musical artist you saw live?

-Jonas brothers

128. Credit cards or cash?

-cash cause I feel like I didn’t spend anything

129. Favorite fandom?

-the powderpuff girls or fairy tail

130. What is your astrological sign?

-Aries

131. Have you ever been fired from a job?

-nope I’m a good noodle

132. Any hidden talents?

-I can do the cinnamon challenge

133. Can you surf?

-nope

134. What motivates you to do well in life?

-the fear of failure

135. Your worst physical feature?

-my acne

136. From 1-10, how much are you like your father?

-mehhhhhhhh like a 4

137. How lucky do you consider yourself?

-I’m a pretty lucky person ngl

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasently surprised.

-when I won a coffee maker at my senior grad night raffle

139. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty?

-nope

140. What type of shoes do you wear the most?

-my converse

141. Favorite summer activity?

-getting coffee

142. Favorite song to sing in the shower?

-any Taylor swift song

143. Have you ever lived with a roommate you did not get along with?

-my parents sometimes

144. Have you ever lived on a farm?

-my grandparents owned a cherry farm when I was little

145. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal?

-tumblr is my diary

146. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

-Always Sunny, The Office, Gotham

147. How often do you get mad at yourself?

-constantly

148. Have you ever gotten any stitches?

-only in animal crossing (he’s so cute)

149. Have you ever been hunting?

-no

150. Favorite YouTube channel?

-Jenna marbles, try guys, mukbang edit channel, drama channels

151. Have you ever had a pet besides a dog or a cat?

-I had a mouse once

152. From 1-10, how well do you work with others?

-9

153. Are you friends with any of your exes?

-I don’t got exes

154. Apple or PC?

-I have an Apple Mac rn but I think I loved my pc so much so I’m getting used to the format

155. Do you collect anything?

-what don’t I collect? Funko, pins, so much stuff

156. Have you ever seen any Broadway plays or musicals?

-I saw Newsies and A Music chorus

157. Any missed opporunites you wish you had taken?

-I’m not too sure

158. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?

-yes

159. Do you have a pool at your house?

-nope

160. What is the longest you’ve gone without sleep?

-like 24 hours and it was hell

161. Last thing that made you laugh?

-a meme 20 sec ago

162. Disney or Nickelodeon?

-Disney

163. Name one celebrity you wish was still alive.

-Billy Mays (Oxyclean dude)

164. From 1-10, how much are you like your mother?

-maybe a 6

165. Your best physical feature?

-my hair

166. Earbud or earmuff headphones?

-earbud

167. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender?

-..hmmmm sometimes I think it would be cool but I’m pretty content with being a girl...

168. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your ear lobes?

-my nose

169. How often do you wash your hair?

-every other day usually

170. Showers or baths?

-I love a good bath but I take showers more

171. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?

-noooo but I wanna be

172. Bottled or tap water?

-bottle

173. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?

POWERPUFF GIRLS

174. Any guilty pleasures you’re willing to discuss?

-watching glee

175. Favorite video game?

-Mario kart

176. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight?

-nooooo why are there so many questions about kissing

177. How many of the United States have you visited?

-four, ive passed over a few more in a plane

178. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?

-yes

179. Have you ever gotten a surgery?

-no

180. Your least favorite food?

-cheese

181. From 1-10, how competitive are you?

-depends. I’m like a 6 but I can be pushed to a 10 when motivated

182. Do you like wearing hats?

-only a snap back occasionally

183. How much of a jealous peron are you?

-ehh not really

184. What was your SAT score?

-900-1100 (stop nationwide testing doesn’t work and I didn’t learn eveything)

185. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show?

-no

186. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military?

-my cousin

187. Snowboarding or skiing?

-I don’t do snow

188. What celebrity would you most want to play you in a movie about your life?

-jack black

189. Have you ever been a Boy or Girl Scout?

-hell no

190. Have you ever dyed your hair?

-many times

191. From 1-10, how good of a cook do you consider yourself?

-7

192. You have just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

-this cursed site

193. How many things can you do with your weaker hand?

-a lot

194. Were you involved in any academic clubs in high school?

-honors i guess

195. Have you ever played hooky from school?

-like twice

196. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies?

—-not with my parents

197. Do you root for any sports teams?

-bold of you to assume i do sport

198. First thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

-pee

199. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which one would you choose?

-a lizard

200. Tell something about yourself most people don’t know.

-uhhh ummmm (I have a tik tok with 7.5k followers) 

[damn-daemon]

1, 13, 20 for yvonne/bucky and 3, 4, 28 for clara/steve!!

Yvonne/Bucky

1. Who is the most affectionate?

I have to say that Bucky is. It’s a little harder for Yvonne to be that way, simply because she has lost so much, she has built some very high walls. But for Bucky it is, in fact, the opposite. He himself was the one who almost lost his life, thus affection comes more easily to him, because he doesn’t know when he’ll get to do so again. 

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

Well, if we’re talking in terms of romantically, it’s probably Yvonne. It’s a step that she has to take. She realizes what’s in front of her and knows it is up to her to make it more than it is. 

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Well, Yvonne has no family to speak of. I think Bucky might write his sister about Yvonne, but just passing mentions, nothing specific. I think it might be enough to tip her off that something is up, and though she doesn’t know Yvonne, she realizes she has to be one hell of a woman to get her brother to pay that much attention. 

And Steve, well, he totally saw this coming. He insisted it was coming even when Bucky denied it and is happy that his friend has found someone. He likes Yvonne and trusts her (also they speak French to each other so Bucky has no idea what they’re saying - because Bucky doesn’t speak French in this story, just roll with it). 

Also I just realized their ship name is Yucky and now it won’t leave me alone and I hate myself.

Clara/Steve

3. Most common argument?

The most silly subject: coffee. Most of the time, it’s black coffee for Clara, but every once in a while, she indulges in a different sort of coffee. Steve insists it’s not coffee, and Clara disagrees. This is the hill she has chosen to die on. And Steve cannot resist continuously antagonizing her over it. 

4. Favorite non-sexual activity?

Making Steve try her mother’s cooking (tentatively nicknamed Operation Desert Spice). Her father may have been Cuban, but her mother’s family hails from Guadalajara, so here come all the chili peppers. The poor Irish boy doesn’t stand a chance. 

That’s okay because Steve’s favorite activity is taking Clara running at 4:30 in the morning. 

Together though? They really enjoy sitting at home with his record player on. They could be doing something together or separately. It’s mostly just about being in the same space with one another, relaxed, while enjoying some good music (except that time Clara snuck an Ozzy record on - turns out Crazy Train is not one of Steve’s favorites).

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

It’s okay, Clara taught Steve how to use a smart phone, although he’s still trying to make sense of emojis. She doesn’t really use them, but in his case, she’s willing to go all out and confuse the poor boy. 

Steve tried to take a selfie once. He learned from his mistake. 

Clara uses it as her lock screen.

[not-just-any-fangirl]

Hey i know it's been a while but do you have any more deaf au headcanons? I've been thinking about it recently💖💖💖

Anon said:  Just found your deaf natsu au and I'm in love?? bless you for sharing your writing

Awwwww thank you guys!! I’m like super behind on... everything. Everything fandom or writing wise i am. Not doing. 

But!!! I will force myself to do the things I love! Like talking about deaf!Natsu au.

First of all: Levy

idk if I’ve stated this somewhere yet or not, but Levy is a Shi’a Muslim and a trans woman. I think I’ve said the second part before but?? Its been so goddamn long lmaooo

She doesn’t drink, smoke, and observes the dietary restrictions in Islam, but dresses more secular

She does have an entire drawer dedicated to scarfs with pretty colours or patterns

She wears a hijab mainly only during holidays/mosque

Observes prayer five times a day

She goes to a queer friendly mosque that her mother found for her on campus, and Jet and Droy are youth group leaders there, as the university city/campus is in the middle of a large suburb, fondly called Magnolia bcus of the flowers that come up in the spring

Levy is studying for a double master in linguistics and ancient languages, with a side focus on cultural anthropology 

Everyone is v concerned about how she has time to breathe, never mind actually hang out with them or have a life

Gajeel is straight up in awe of her

he kinda loves her already

especially how short she is and how easy she is to piss off via commenting about how short she is

She praises Allah at. Everything. It’s only a little in hyperbole too, but she was raised in a family that was v secure in their faith and involved in their community

Her father died when she was young, but her mother remarried when she was about 7 to a trans woman, which is how Levy realized she wasn’t alone and was in fact a girl

She has been met with nothing but love and support by her community growing up, even if there was some process in some of the members understanding

Anyway

Only good things for my blue haired nerd daughter

Levy loves spice the same way Gray does which is to say: Not

She is however addicted to sugar

You know how people put sugar on like shreddies or plain cereal? Levy does that to fruit loops

Loke and Juvia are the most horrified of the group, but only barely

Natsu and Levy bond over their love of Lucy

Levy has stated that if she weren’t so swamped with studies and already in love with languages, she would be challenging Natsu to a fight for Lucy’s honour.

Natsu’s only have kidding when he says to meet him in the pit

This may have also caused some of the friction between Gajeel and Lucy at first as Lucy was 100% Natsu’s cousin wanted to kill her and she had no idea why

Natsu and Levy also bond about being the darkest in their immediate friendgroup, and share Looks with each other in times of need

Ie the ‘traditional’ Indian restaurant fiasco mentioned before

Levy was the only one fluent in ASL and ISL before meeting Natsu

Loke: Was a pen pal of Lucy’s when she was a child, and convinced her to send an application to Fairy Tail

Laxus already went here but was slightly estranged from Lucy and his entire family during the last years of Lucy’s highschool career

Lucy helped him patch up his relationship to Makarov to the strength that it is now

Loke is non-binary with a preference for they/them pronouns, but some days prefer he/him, other days she/her, but most of the time they/them

They’re dating Aries, but are polya

Aries is a trans woman as well, and the two and Levy have a group chat titled with the blue, pink, and white heart emojies

They just send each other memes or bitch about the cis on really rough days

Loke is actually v private about their home life or their inner thoughts

Lucy and Gray are the only ones they really open up to in the friend group

Loke was Gray’s first non-girl kiss and set him down the long road of ‘oh fuck I’m not straight’ 

Gray and Loke still hooked up on and off before he got into a relationship with Juvia

Aries and Gray are surprisingly close friends considering the whole Loke thing, and while Loke is happy they are also Concerned  about what those two fiends are talking about

It’s art

They’re talking about ancient art

Not everything's about you Loke damn

They also talk about how cute Loke is after an orgasm but shhh they don’t need to know that

Loke loves that they’re included in both boys nights and girls nights

All the gossip plz

All the drama

Is the best secret keeper

There are like. 50. groupchats amoungst their friendgroup, and that’s not even including all the peripheral groups like clubs and sports teams or family

Its such a hot mess

Just constant updates from everywhere

Natsu puts his phone on completely silent otherwise it’d basically work as a vibrator with how often it buzzes

Lucy snorted milk out her nose when Natsu first told her that, and couldn’t even yell at him for laughing bcus he was rolling on the floor with his eyes closed in hysterics

Cana and Mira have it on video

They sent it to every group chat they were in

Natsu has a slight Indian or Japanese accent depending on which words bcus his main teachers were Igneel or Grandeeny growing up, and their mouth movements is what he learned, including their accents

Mira, Lissana, and Lucy speak French together to talk shit about weird boys in public

Juvia and Levy love dying each others hair different shades of blue or trying out new product

Gajeel and Erza can make anyone piss their pants when they stand next to each other bcus the pure aura of Intimidation can reap your soul

Erza deemed herself the Mom Friend, but everyone knows she’s more like the wine aunt who likes to hunt boar with her bare hands sometimes

She’s an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in ancient Korean armour Erza where did you find that and how did you get in it it’s from the Three Kingdom period ???

Levy, Erza, and Natsu bond over warrior ages in ancient cultures

Lissana is allergic to mint but carries an epi-pen bcus not even God herself can stop Lisanna from getting her hands on mint chocolate chip ice cream

Cana Respects it, Gray is Concerned, and Natsu just gives her a high five as he eats a cheeseburger

During exam weeks group study sessions turn into cuddle piles of despair 

Natsu gets tired of reading lips sometimes and will straight up be the first thing he tells his friends when he sees them 

Gray, Juvia, Lucy, and Lissana can kind of tell without him having to sign it

Gajeel just texts him mostly despite being exceptionally fluent in ASL and conversational in ISL

Cobra will explicitly speak to him, but knows when to push Natsu and when not to

Mostly

Lucy needs glasses for reading if she's been on the computer/head in a book too long and the first time Natsu saw them was after they started dating and then Lucy wasn’t studying the rest of the night

[paininmyassachusetts]

Send me some numbers!

Do you go on public transport often?

How many computers have you had in your life?

When did you meet your best friend?

Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

How old were you when you got your licence?

What are three things you wanted to be when you were younger?

What was your first cell phone?

How old were you when you got your first cell phone?

What is your favourite household chore?

Have you ever run into a glass door because you thought it was open?

What is your favourite type of pie?

Have you ever set off the fire alarms while cooking?

What is your favourite genre of books?

Have you ever tried to make your own language?

Have you ever tried to make your own alphabet?

What is your favourite breakfast cereal?

How long have you lived in the place you currently live?

Have you ever seen a cryptid?

Do you still have a VCR player?

What is your favourite sport to play?

What is the first video game you remember playing?

About how many books do you currently have on your book shelves?

When was your last hair cut?

Have you ever raced a car on a track?

Have you ever been in a helicopter?

Have you ever rowed a boat?

Do you forget to do up your seatbelt often?

Have you ever seen a ghost?

What is your favourite joke?

When was the last time you went camping?

Which computer operating system is your favourite?

Do you enjoy grocery shopping?

What is your favourite word in a language that isn’t your own?

Do you have any allergies?

What is the most money you’ve ever spent at a restaurant?

Have you ever broken a TV?

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever gotten in trouble for in school?

How large is your bedroom?

What was the last concert you went to?

Have you ever dropped a carton of eggs on the floor?

What is your favourite flavour of ice cream?

Have you ever set the alarms off on someone else’s car?

Have you ever accidentally punched someone?

Do you enjoy fishing?

What places(s) feels most like home to you?

Have you ever operated heavy machinery?

When was the last time you did charity work?

Have you ever tried to grow a fruit tree?

What is your favourite fruit?

If price weren’t an issue, what car (past or present) would you buy?

If price weren’t an issue, what firearm would you buy?

What is your favourite meme?

What was the first car you ever drove?

Can you drive a manual/stick shift?

Have you ever travelled outside your home country?

Do you like vegetables?

What is your favourite vegetable?

If you ever were to change your name, what name would you choose?

If you could decorate your home entirely for free, how would it end up looking?

Have you ever won an award?

What are three of your most bizarre interests?

Do you have a favourite cryptid?

Do you have a favourite conspiracy theory?

Do you enjoy writing? If so, what genre do you usually write?

If all animals were easily made domestic, what one animal would you choose as a house pet?

Would you have a library in your ideal home?

What web browser do you generally use?

What do you want to name your next pet?

What colour are your bedsheets?

Do you read comics?

Do you enjoy watching media in languages besides your own?

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

What is your favourite underrated film?

Does your house have a fireplace?

Do you enjoy watching classic films? Which one is your favourite?

Do you want to go into space?

What is/was your least favourite subject in school?

Can you whistle?

Do you have a favourite cheese?

What do your salads usually consist of?

What are some of your favourite herbs and spices?

What was your favourite project you ever worked on in school?

How many games do you have on Steam?

Can you locate any of the constellations?

Do you often put clothes on the wrong way round?

Have you ever broken a bone?

Do you wear a watch often?

What colour are your bedroom walls?

What is your computer background?

What is your favourite smell?

What is your favourite font?

Who is your favourite philosopher?

What is your favourite Pokémon?

What are some of your favourite snack foods?

What is the fastest you’ve ever driven?

Do you have a library card?

Have you ever gotten frostbite?

What is your favourite doughnut?

What is your favourite cake?

If you could learn any extinct language, which one would you learn?

How many cars have you owned?

What are your favourite pizza toppings?

What are some obscure bands you enjoy?

Do you know anyone famous?

If you started a band today, what genre would it be, what would it be called, and who would your bandmates be?

What is your favourite firearm?

What is your favourite food to cook?

Describe your ideal partner.

Describe your ideal home.

If you could enact one law, immediately, what would it be?

What kind of character do you usually play as in role playing games?

What is your favourite non-alcoholic beverage?

What is your favourite alcoholic beverage?

Would you live on a boat?

Would you move far from home if you knew you had met the love of your life?

Which country that isn’t your own do you enjoy learning about the most?

Do you enjoy rainy weather?

Have you ever forgotten to wear an article of clothing in public?

Are you artistic?

Have you ever been stranded in the wilderness?

What is your favourite style of architecture?

What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten?

Have you ever accidentally broken a wall?

Do you wear pyjamas in public?

What is the worst wound you’ve ever accidentally received?

What is your current obsession?

If you could travel back in time only once, where would you go?

Do you enjoy doing chores?

Do you enjoy working in gardens?

What are some things you collect?

How do you like your eggs?

How do you like your coffee?

What is your favourite period of historical clothing?

What is your favourite instrument?

Have you ever started a fire on accident?

What is your favourite type of juice?

Where is your favourite place to shop?

Where is your favourite non-fast food restaurant?

What is your favourite soup?

Would you prefer a large or a small home?

If you could convert a decommissioned missile silo or underground bunker into a home, would you?

If you had the money to buy an island and build a castle, would you?

Have you ever attempted to start a micronation?

Do you like to dress fancy?

Have you ever considered running for office?

Do you have any famous family members?

What is your favourite James Bond film?

Where’s the most “exotic” place you’ve ever been?

Have you ever voted?

Do you wear hats often?

Would you enlist in the armed forces?

Would you consider mercenary work?

When you got to a sandwich shop (such as Subway), what do you usually get on your sandwich?

What would a perfect date be for you?

Have you ever been to a formal party besides prom, homecoming, or a wedding?

If you could learn any obscure language that is still spoken, what language would you learn?

How many children would you like to have?

Have you ever been arrested?

Have you ever jumped from a window?

Do you like to dance?

What is your favourite flag?

What is your favourite coat of arms?

What is something you like to eat that others might find gross or weird?

Do you like to cook?

Do you keep a journal?

Do you prefer linux, mac, or windows?

Do you prefer playing games on consoles or computer?

Do you enjoy documentaries?

Do you have a favourite letter of the alphabet (or any alphabet)?

Do you prefer the city or the country?

What is one food everyone loves but that you hate?

What sort of car do you drive?

Who is your favourite political leader?

What is your favourite board game?

What is your favourite movie?

What is your favourite TV show?

What is your favourite video game?

Are you married or do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

What is your favourite time of day?

Do you have a crush on anyone?

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you like to be?

Do you speak any languages besides English? If English isn’t your first language, what is?

Do you prefer wearing dark or bright colours?

Do you profess any religious faith?

What is your favourite flower?

Who is your best friend?

What is your favourite emoji?

Does anyone have a crush on you?

What is your favourite or lucky number?

How did you come up with the name of your blog?

How many siblings do you have?

What is your favourite cookie?

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What is your favourite colour?

What are some things you enjoy doing in your spare time?

What is your favourite song at the moment?

What is your dream job?

What is you favourite historical period?

Who is your favourite Disney Princess?

Who is your favourite superhero?

Do you have any pets?

What was the weather like today?

Are you still in school?

How long have you been on tumblr?

What are some of your pet peeves?

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Who is your favourite character from any media you consume?

What is an opinion you hold very strongly but rarely talk about?

What is your favourite insect?

What is the strangest thing you’ve ever said on accident?

What is your favourite candle scent?

Have you ever been bitten by a spider?

Were you ever in the Boy or Girl Scouts, or your national equivalent?

Can you name every country in the world?

Did/do you play any sports in school?

What is your favourite type of tree?

How many pillows do you sleep with at night?

How many blankets do you sleep with at night?

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Do you know how to knit?

What was the first meal you ever learned how to cook?

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What is your typical order at Chipotle?

What is your favourite flavour of Slurpee or other similar drinks?

Would you buy a suit of armour if you had the money?

Do you prefer being in the city or the middle of nowhere?

What is your favourite line from a book, besides the Bible?

What is your favourite Bible verse?

Which disease from any point in time would you rather die of?

What is your current aspiration?

Describe your crush in vague terms.

Do you like to go on hikes?

Would you ever like learn a Native American language?

When do you generally go to sleep?

What kinds of plants would you have in your dream garden?

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Thoughts on roundabouts?

How many stuffed animals do you have?

Would you rather have a flower garden or a fruit & veggie garden?

How large is your house?

Have you ever eaten a bug?

How do you feel about the song Never Gonna Give You Up?

How old is your computer?

What type of phone do you have?

What’s a show you rarely see people talk about that you absolutely love?

Do you keep any plants in your room?

Have you ever accidentally stolen something?

Do you have any royal or noble ancestors?

What is the last book you read all the way through?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Have you ever grown your own fruits or vegetables?

How old were you when you joined tumblr?

Have you ever been in a treehouse?

When was the last time you made a pillow/blanket fort?

Do you enjoy stormy weather?

[tom-whore-dleston]

Jordan's 23rd Birthday Sleepover

My actual bday isn't until the 4th but imma just milk out the celebration as much as I can skskskdfghaa 🤣 this sleepover has nothing to do with Michael Jordan or basketball (I mean other than my name is Jordan and I am turning 23 lmfao)

Even tho Tumblr is a weird and oftentimes crappy place, I have met some pretty cool ass people on here and I wouldn't want it any other way :') Y'all make this place less dark and I wanna celebrate this special day with my besties!! Here's to another year of friendship, love, and unhinged hoe vibes 🤪🥂 let's pretend that I'm not recycling some stuff from my last sleepover 💀

Party Itinerary:

Starts: April 3 @ 12am (PST)

Ends: April 6 @ 11:59pm (PST)

You are welcome to send in asks before the sleepover starts, but I won't start responding to them until the start time.

As always, please be 18+ to participate! Y'all know how I feel about minors being on my blog so please don't give me a reason to block any of y'all. Please have some indication of your age in your bio.

You don't have to be following me to participate. Everyone is welcome 😊

I disabled anon feature to avoid meanies and minors.

Please send one emoji per ask. You don't have to worry about spamming my inbox, I will see everything ;)

I will not write/discuss anything revolving around non-con, underage, a/b/o, bathroom kinks, blood kinks (only exception is vampire AU if applicable), incest, step-cest, foot fetish.

I only write for female reader inserts with no specific race/ethnicity, hair/eye/skin color, body type, etc.

I reserve the right to deny writing/discussing any other things that make me uncomfortable.

Overall, let's just have fun and spread some love!!!

Thank you for the gift 🥰:

🍨 - Let's get personal. Ask me whatever you want.

🎂 - Let's play an ask game (cym, fmk, wyr, etc). Feel free to spice it up to your liking ;)

🍾 - Send me a hottie not on list and I'll rate them based on the scale below.

Yikes, I Don’t See The Appeal || Not My Type || He’s Alright || I See The Appeal But I’m Different™ || Cute But On Alternating Wednesdays || He Has A Kind Face And That’s Good Enough || Pretty || Gorgeous || I— I Love? We Don’t Deserve Him.

🥳 - Send me smutty, fluffy, and/or crack concepts that you think would fit in any of my AUs (Honey Baby, Teach Me Tonight, Rolling Dice and Rocking Hips)

🎉 - *Send a prompt from this list + hottie and I'll write a quick fic. Feel free to add AUs/tropes/etc.

🎈 - *Send me a movie + hottie and I will write a quick fic based on the movie

ex. Tangled + Xu Shangqi

🎁 - *Send a pic of one of my hotties and I will write a quick fic based on the pic.

🕯️ - *Send me a song or song lyrics + hottie and I will write a quick fic based on the song/lyrics

*Please note that the asks involving quick fics will take some time, so be patient as I write them! Remember that I reserve the right to deny any requests that 1. involve anything I previously stated I do not write for 2. I generally do not feel comfortable writing

You know who will be at the party 😏:

Real life hotties -

Simu Liu, Tom Hiddleston, Tom Holland, Austin Butler, Barry Keoghan, Andrew Garfield, Harry Styles, Oscar Isaac, Michael B. Jordan, Benedict Cumberbatch, Hayden Christensen

Fictional hotties -

Marvel: Loki Laufeyson, Xu Shang-Chi/Shangqi, Peter Parker (any variant), Xu Wenwu, Erik Kilmonger, Scott Lang, Thor, Druig, Eros/Starfox, Sam Wilson, Pietro Maximoff (Age of Ultron), Joaquin Torres, Bucky Barnes, Marc Spector/Steven Grant, Stephen Strange

Star Wars: Din Djarin, Anakin Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi, Poe Dameron

Other: Kim Jung (Kim’s Convenience), any Sim Liu’s SNL characters (don't be shy, I know we all simped), Adam (Only Lovers Left Alive), Johnathan Pine (The Night Manager), Robert Laing (High Rise), James Conrad (Kong: Skull Island), Nathan Drake (Uncharted), Arvin Russel (The Devil All The Time), Ransom Drysdale (Knives Out), Jefferson/Mad Hatter (Once Upon a Time)

Gifts on the Table (oldest to newest):

🎉 - “Reality is even better than my dreams.” + Tom Hiddleston (@/huntress-artemiss)

🎈 - A Court of Mist and Fury + Simu Liu (@/littlestatesman)

🎈 - Meet the Robinsons + Xu Shangqi (@/blackbat05)

🎁 - Simu Liu (@/tonystarksfavoritedaughter)

🎁 - Adam OLLA (@/poetic-fiasco)

🎁 - Loki Laufeyson (@/frostbitten-written)

🎁 - Oscar Isaac (@/wint3r-h3art)

🎉 - “I’m not necessarily hungry for food right now.” + Stephen Strange (@/wint3r-h3art)

🍾 - Stephen Strange (@/wint3r-h3art)

🎉 - Austin Butler + “How about we stay here all day and cuddle?” (@/beakeoghan)

🥳 - Teach Me Tonight concept: prof! Shangqi testing your knowledge on X subject (or whatever major/minor is being tested) while testing you and your self control? (@/potatos-main)

🍨 - 3 things you want people to know about you (@/yummymatcha)

🎁 - Simu Liu (@/cyborg-cinderella)

🎉 - "You remembered my favorite food" + Adam OLLA (@/give-me-a-moose)

🕯️ - "So, baby, can you eat it from the back? Got me purrin' like I'm Doja Cat" + Simu's SNL character of choice (@/tmholland)

🎉 - “I know I should care about the reason why you’re naked in my bed, but I will just enjoy it for a moment.” & “I’ll take it that you like what you see.” + Xu Shangqi (@/hollandparkersx)

dividers by @firefly-graphics

[estuarries]

baby’s first liveshow commentary

hello lads i have decided to attempt doing @nihilist-toothpaste​ inspired video commentary/write up/review thingies!!!! welcome to ramble-y fun time

phil’s liveshow on august 10, 2017

his smile in the first minute makes my heart so happy i love him so much

i love the eye-tongue-eye emoji stop being mean to it

he’s a bit late bc he just finished filming a new ap vid!!! it took him longer than he thought it would to finish filming bc he was rambling. this is a #relatable brain thing

“i just said goodbye and now i’m saying hello again!” wrt filing and then doing a liveshow makes me rly happy bc i wouldn’t have thought abt it that way. i love phil’s brain

new vid clues: paper bag(?) and bubble wrap. amazingphil asmr part ii??

dan’s not joining the liveshow bc he has a headache but phil’s gonna hop into dan’s next one

closed eyes and happy gesticulation whilst telling sleepy-morning “unexpected window cleaning man frightened me” story

phil’s fight/flight/freeze response is freeze

“imagine if i had decided to make breakfast naked! ...if i was that kind of person…” its okay m8 we know u like to make nakey bro brunches w danyul

are the emoji pants the only pair of graphic pj pants he has now ??? why are they being featured so prominently lately ???? phil IS an emoji is the only phnnie conspiracy i can support now

in the ap vid phil did SCIENCE and REACTED TO THINGS (chemistry . reaction . hehe :3)

he’s out of tv shows to watch ….he and dan have watched so many series together over the years ..... i am emotional

phil hasnt watched in a heartbeat EITHER !! BLASPHEMOUS BOYES!!!

re: rick and morty. i strongly agree and it makes me so nervous that rick burps all the time i cannot focus on whats happening in the show bc rick gives me so much anxiety

he misses the cherry blossom tree in thehowlter’s front yard and they are hopefully going to put it in when they have money

“you’re all like dan! not everything has to be symmetrical!” thank u for these affirmations that not everything has to be perfect thank u for being chill. a chill phil. 

“i dont mind a little bit of wonkiness!” “i’m at a bit of a wonk!” “is the entire house wonky?” the only real phil branding is ~WOnKy~

phils hands are so beautiful???? i love them?????? @ 8:50ish

him trying to figure out his best side and saying “one? or two?” as options like at the optometrist when ur getting ur eyes checked. 

someone in the chat: “both!” phil’s cheeky grin/”don’t flatter me!!!” response

someone in the chat: “side three!” i snort laughed along w phil this is truly Good Content. dark!phil RISE

phil doesn’t think he really has a bad side and his easy neutrality wrt his physical appearance is dreamy. i love him and i love that he’s comfy w himself like this

phil had an eye infection and this is the first day he’s been without glasses…… why does he glasses-bait us like this …..

it’s really hard for him to concentrate with dilated pupils so that’s why he was being a wee bit wonky in the last liveshow

his eye is no longer infected and is “white and ready to see!”. the tone of his voice, his accent, and the phrasingof that reminded me so much of my british grandma who i havent seen in a few years and now i want to call her i miss her

wicked was “as the kids say...Wicked.” I SNORTED AKLHFAEIHKF

also i cannot believe that he and dan used the same silly phrasewhen talking about their opinions of wicked. is it still #copyrightinfringement if its your bf blatantly enterprising ur intellectual property?

phil was feeling a bit meh going into wicked but now he’s converted and a fan

he loved defying gravity :(

phil: every audience is important! me: crying

phil loves coming-of-age/college/highschool aus … Me Too

phil remix: the top fans to the tune of mad world “all around me are familiar faces...lillyphanstuff, joteleena…”

he’s had “mad world” and also that fuckin. ditty song stuck in his head

“...is one thicc bih - NO!” is the best thing ive ever heard

im so sad that phil hasnt experienced the joys of ditty. apparently he doesn’t have it downloaded and doesn’t really know what it is

14:07 is my new ringtone (he sang the ditty tune in “doot doot doot”s)

“bandicussy” IM DEAD

phil thought it was a good family activity to see dunkirk but it made his parents very emotional bc his maternal grandad was in the war

making your entire family cry is apparently the phil way to entertain

neither he nor dan understood the timelines of dunkirk upon first watch

after filming his ap vid he sanitized using vanilla cupcake hand sanitizer

he watches zoe’s bath and bodyworks candle/lotion hauls??????? ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

apparently b&bw has some ~priiiicey~ candles. phil is the coupon clipping, consumer reports reading dad

he said that livestreaming games on dapg would be “dope”. i am reminded for the millionth time that he is a 30 year old white man. i am moderately uncomfortable.

jk it was someone in the chat who said it he was just reading the comment

“hi to the ‘phan’s moving boxes’ group chat”

facterino according to the nature man on tv: in england nature has decided that it’s autumn already. this is evidenced by blackberries coming out in august. because fall isstartingso early they’re expected to have a harsh winter but its fine bc he is excited for snow!

some climate change discourse

he’s not a big doctor who fan but his fav doctor is david tennant

he’s excited for the “lady doctor” and i’m uh. not a huge fan of that wording

23:02 pre-sneeze noises and hand motions are Delightful

apparently it’s southern england peeps who pronounce scone with a hard o (scOHne) and northerners pronounce it with a soft o (scAWn). phillu doesn’t know which pronunciation he uses

my mom grew up in cornwall (and moved to america when she was a teen. i’m american btw!) and pronounces it the northern way. we’ve had the scohne vs scawn debate!! lots of #britishfamilythings in this liveshow

philly homework motivation song @ 24:52

his first response to ppl being sad about school starting in a week is to calculate how many seconds are in a week so they can re-frame their time left in a way that feels more plentiful. i love this ???

i also really love how he tries to read premium messages from different people every time. idk that’s just really thoughtful and as a fan i really appreciate it

he knows that black makes him look good …. GOodBYe

today is world lion day!

phil is the one who puts the funny/random holidays on the dnp calendars. of course it was but im still so happily surprised  

doinganap’s sicth/sixth discourse

he’s reading people from the chat’s bdays and telling them what funny holidays are on their birthdays! i love how he finds different ways to get ppl in the chat involved every liveshow. i appreciate him so much !like yeah i know its a marketing thing but let me pretend its solely phil’s care for us

he wants to go back to japan

he can’t read or edit and listen to music at the same time! me neither

someone asked what a good pet would be and phil went on a lil tangent about how it’s important to have enough time to take care of the pet you choose!! dont get an exotic pet or a breed of non-exotict pet that requires a lot of time, money, or energy to care for it if you’re not at a point in your life where u can take care of it to the best of your ability! <3

hedgehogs are one of the most common animals in the uk??? what the heck?

he can’t remember whether or not he’s seen a hedgehog irl so he texts mum lester to ask <3 why is this the sweetest thing in the world . like seeing a hedgehog irl would be an experience that his family facilitated or even if he was moved out when it happened it would have been so exciting that he def would have told kath about it. so any way it happened she would know about it. my heart is Warm.

he’s not a huge summer candle burner but as soon as it’s september he’ll be on the pumpkin spice train

mum lester texted back and apparently his grandparents had a family of hedgehogs in their garage and his granddad built them a little hedgehog house to hibernate in :( wow!

phil might play shelter 2 … with dan. No Thank You. let us have some phil-only time plz 

shelter 2 is more of an autumnal game so he might do it later when he can cozy up with some cocoa and herd the badger babies

he feels a coffee buzz after five (5) chocolate-covered coffee beans. r u sure u even drink coffee phil????

rye bread is worse (in phil’s opinion) than regular bread and is ”claggy”. i busted out laughing and texted my mom IMMEDIATELY bca LOOOONG time ago we were at a family christmas party with my dad’s extended family and all of the Adults were playing scrabble. my mom ended up spelling claggy and everyone else was like THATS A MADE UP WORD WHAT THE FUCK!!!! and my mom was like ???? no its not? my dad’s family is from the eastern us and had never heard the word claggy before and i remember my dad giving my mom shit about it for YEARS afterward because she caused such an uproar. idk if it was a regional thing or if americans just don’t say claggy but REGARDLESS. my mom and i had a good laugh over this description of rye bread and we both love phil

he’s nervous abt what dalien is going to look like and become as he grows up. phil’s general reaction to dalien has been one of caution and nervousness and idk ?? someone more thoughtful analyze that please

his advice for making the most of the last bits of summer: do something you haven’t done before! immediately after bestowing upon us this Wise Advice he giggles and becomes self aware of his parental tone. Our Dad Is Becoming Self Aware

he doesnt swear around his parents?????? my mom says fuck all the time :0

2018 calendar and season two pastel plushies are in the works!

he’s singing another song to list the top fans. suggestions include toxic, the ditty tune, and the tetris theme. he goes with the ditty song and starts laughing in the middle of it so makes a seamless musical transition to toxic

if everything recorded properly with his new vid we should see it in the next few days!

he hopes that we have a lovely weekend and that whatever we end up doing brings us a bit of happiness :( i love him thank u phil

tiny little bonus song after he covers up the camera. schrodingers phil.

all in all i love phil’s liveshows and this has been the highlight of my day. thank u for reading!

[shirlleycoyle]

Amazon Is Out of Toilet Paper and It Wont Answer Our Emails

The coronavirus is here and people are panic buying toilet paper. Faced with the idea of being trapped inside without Charmin Ultra, many of us are stockpiling. Stores across the country are selling out and it’s not clear when they’ll be restocked. And now, all over the U.S. and Canada, Amazon, the world’s largest retailer, is out of all but novelty brands of toilet paper in many markets. The company won’t tell us when there will be more.

If you search for “toilet paper” on Amazon you will find that in many (most?) parts of the country, Amazon is out of stock of most all brands of toilet paper, including its own three house brands, Presto!, Amazon Basics, and Solimo. Amazon is also out of stock of Cottonelle, Quilted Northern, and Charmin in many locations. In some locations, Amazon says toilet paper is in stock, but when you click to the product page, it’s not available to ship for several weeks. There is some toilet paper available, almost exclusively from third-party vendors who are shipping from non-Amazon warehouses.

Screengrab: Amazon

To test this, Motherboard asked people physically located in New York City, California, Washington, Massachusetts, and South Carolina to search for “toilet paper” on Amazon. We also logged out of our Amazon accounts, turned on a VPN in an incognito window, and set our location to Toronto, Vancouver, “U.S. South West,” “U.S. North West,” “U.S. West,” “U.S. South,” and “U.S. South East.” The only place where you could get toilet paper delivered today is in the U.S. North West, where Amazon Prime Fresh members could get Quilted Northern. Some other locations noted that toilet paper could be obtained from Whole Foods, which Amazon owns.

In fact, when we searched for “toilet paper” for Prime members in the “U.S. West,” we were shown a series of products that were distinctly not toilet paper.

Screengrab: Amazon

The only toilet paper you can reliably get on Amazon right now are novelty, specialty, and prank toilet paper sold by third parties: Can we interest you in rolls of RV soluble toilet paper sold by a third party seller? How about this toilet paper with the poop emoji on it? Trump’s face toilet paper?

When is the toilet paper coming back? Amazon won’t tell us and we’ve asked repeatedly.

Browsing Amazon here in the American South, I still had a few options. Through Prime, I could for example, purchase rolls of compressed toilet tissue tablets. It’s a tube of compressed TP that rides in your pocket until you’re ready to use them. “Just add a tablespoon of water and you've got a luxurious and hygienic wipe ready to use,” said the description. Just $14 for 50 wipes. Only 10 left in stock as of this writing.

If compressed paper designed for camping isn’t your thing, there’s still tons of novelty toilet paper available on Amazon. For $12.99, Amazon will deliver a poop emoji printed roll that makes fun of you for turning 30. There’s paper of all scents—from pumpkin spice to “holiday”—and politicians galore. No matter your political persuasion or country of origin, you can wipe your ass with the politician you blame for all this. Sports fan? Amazon has a crying Lebron James roll it’d love to sell you. It’s 3-ply. Luxurious.

The secondary market for toilet paper is booming. On Ebay right now, a pack of 12 double rolls of Quilted Northern is going for $45. Target normally sells the equivalent of 36 rolls for $9.99. It’s the same for Angel Soft, Charmin, and other popular brands. People are selling excess toilet paper on Ebay for a markup.

This all sounds very frivolous, but points to potentially severe supply chain issues affecting Amazon in the wake of the coronavirus, and suggests that the company may not be able to reliably keep Prime—and its warehouses—up and running and fully stocked as the situation gets worse.

“There has been a tremendous slowdown at our ports,” Barbara Maynard, spokeswoman for Teamsters International Ports Division, a group that organizes drivers and port workers who transport Amazon cargo, told Motherboard over the phone.“It was picking up again a little, but it’s going to drop off again. At any moment our borders and ports could be closed. There’s a tremendous amount of fear among workers we organize who handle Amazon products.”

Amazon Is Out of Toilet Paper and It Wont Answer Our Emails syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[humansoulsarg]

Mostly Transparent Lancelot Picture Solve

http://pangenttechnologies.tumblr.com/post/157859818882/

This post consists of a mostly transparent image and a YouTube link. After removing the transparency from the image and adjusting the color levels, Lancelot is revealed:

The video linked from the post

https://youtu.be/AZcJMbyAq8k

Title is 154075_156070 - which is the Frog Emoji code in Octal. The video shows slightly glitched shots of a possible shopping trip. We start off seeing a Crowned Frog tin of Lindt chocolate next to some sort of Jack Links beastly snacks. Then we briefly see bottles on a bar, one reading 'ARGENTINA' on the lid, before bearing witness to a Snowman and Penguin pair of figures. Next up is a U*SPICY (Fashion Meets Technology) box which opens to reveal a nail dryer. Spicy indeed. Then we see shots of a ceramic-looking Crowned Frog ?pitcher? item in a window. Next up a book is held open to a page with penguins, including an adult and infant embracing. The text is:

Love is cuddling up when it’s icy and cold

A hand closes the book to reveal the same image on the cover. The book’s title is ‘Love makes the world go round’ with a cutaway heart revealing subtitle ‘Tales of love that last forever’

The audio is in stereo with Signal in the left channel and Noise in the right. There are four sections of audio in the left channel:

sped-up voices

DTMF Tones

spectrogram Braille

more sped-up voices

By slowing down the sped up voices by a factor of 4, it is revealed that these are audio clips of the Spice Girls from the Sony PlayStation game Spice World. After a bit of investigation, it was revealed that (surprise, surprise) there was a code in play here. The first section appears to feature Ginger and does not have any repeated phrases, and provides an index for the second section, which contains audio from the other Spice Girls. The transcript of the first section is:

0-Hello everybody, and whats the first question? 1-Hello! 2-Its your turn! 3-Oh no not that old question! 4-Ok everybody, thats all we’ve got time for! 5-Cut the crap it’s a wrap! 6-Sorry, we would love to stay but weve got to move on. 7-Its been real but we’ve got to go! 8-This is the producer by the way. 9-Meet the DJ, he’ll mix it down for you!

And the second set of 4x sped-up audio:

0-Hello everybody, what’s your first question? 7-It’s been real but now we’ve got to go. 0-Hello everybody, now what’s the first question? 1-Hello. 6-Sorry, we’d love to stay but we’ve got to move on. 1-Hello. 1-Hello. 2-It’s Your turn. 1-Hello. 2-Now it’s your turn. 2-It’s your turn. 1-Hello. 3-Oh no, not that old question. 6-Sorry, we’d really love to stay but we’ve got to move on. 1-Hello. 5-Cut the crap, it’s a wrap. 1-Hello. 1-Hello. 4-Okay everybody that’s all we’ve got time for. 5-Cut the Crap, it’s a wrap. 1-Hello.

This was determined to be reverse Octal code: 154 115 163 122 121 161 070 = lMsRQq8

A 7-character imgur link ID:

A high-quality image of an advertisement for the Spice World PlayStation Experience. Upon close inspection, a hex code was found in the bottom left corner of the poster: 70573438523431 = pW48R41

Another imgur link:

A poster for Spice World The Movie with some color channel glitching going on, along with some interesting behavior in the credits section. After aligning the channels, it was found that certain letters were being highlighted in the credits:

The highlighted letters (including the tiny 'B’ and 'Y’ which were almost lost to JPG compression) are: QEYLHSYBRITLKRUWSIYCJT which can be decoded as Vigenere with key 'Lancelot’ to become FELJDHKIGIGJGGGDHILAFI which may not look that promising at first, but it’s similar to the Octal alphabet codes we’ve seen before, with the twist being using K and L for 11 and 12, respectively.

65 120 48 119 79 70 77 74 89 121 69 = Ax0wOFMJYyE

https://youtu.be/Ax0wOFMJYyE

This video has hex title 'courtyard’ and shows Lancelot speaking in an outdoor setting:

We know that the cube interpolates and creates data to fill gaps where none exists. We know that it often seems to think in an organic way. Do you believe that a sufficiently detailed simulation of a human being, if written to the cube could eventually achieve independent thought?

The Alyssa Project: Reproducible Realistic Human Processes. Building Blocks of Thought

This appears to be the end of this portion of the trail as no hidden codes or data are to be found in this video. But there’s plenty of hints and intonations of possibilities for our friends at Pangent Technologies.

So back to the original video, for the next portion of Signal from the audio. The DTMF tones were transcribed and then stumped the players for a few days, so we will come back to those. The spectrogram Braille code was decoded as: AGABEACFJCEABDACBABBA

Which looks suspiciously like reverse Octal again, so: 122 123 142 153 063 152 171 -> RSbk3jy

Another imgur link:

Another movie poster for Spice World, this time hiding a barcode in the top:

Which decodes as 120208372608765906730412480300111

This was found to be encoded with a staggered multiplying technique. To decode, group the digits in threes: 120 208 372 608 765 906 730 412 480 300 111 then divide by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

(Side note for those keeping score at home, this post has now included both Frogs and Fractions)

120 104 124 152 153 151 146 103 160 150 111= PDTjkifCphI

https://youtu.be/PDTjkifCphI

Video of Lancelot with hex title 'rubber tree’. This again shows Lancelot in the same courtyard as before, with a few choice words for us:

Oh, you have made a mess of things haven’t you? What a shame. I had such high hopes for you <sigh>

Oh no. That doesn’t sound good. Again, the trail appears to end at this point, so it’s back to the original video with the remaining Signal section from the audio, the DTMF tones.

The tones were decoded as:

87865785796899487706774978#269508487080683488653978878*6

and this sequence of digits with two non-digit symbols had the Pangent Technologies Sister Location stumped for a while. Eventually a crack was found by grouping the digits by 2 and setting *=11, #=12 and 0=10 if it was the first digit in a group of 2 but 0 if it was the last. Then decoding as decimal ASCII.

87 86 57 85 79 68 99 48 77 106 77 49 78 122 69 50 84 87 108 106 83 48 86 53 97 88 78 116 = WV9UODc0MjM1NzE2TWljS0V5aXNt

This string, while not making immediate sense, at least was alphanumeric. Then, by decoding it as base64 text, the following was obtained:

Y_T874235716MicKEyism

This string showed promise as Y_T seemed to suggest YouTube while the grouping of digits and letters with 'MicKEyism’ seemed too unlikely to be mere random noise or coincidence. It was then noted that there were nine digits and nine letters after the digits, but we expected 11 digits for a YouTube link. The nine digits were found to be a mapping for the nine letters where by placing the digits in the same order as the letters, then writing down the letters in numeric order, eight letters are obtained (due to the repeated #7, i). Then, prepending the oddly coincidental 'Y_T’ to the front gives the 11 character YouTube ID we were seeking:

https://youtu.be/Y_TsKEcymiM

This video has hex title 'auto reply’ and again shows Lancelot in the courtyard by the rubber tree, this time answering the phone:

Pangent Technologies. Uh no, she’s not here right now, sorry. <shakes head and sighs>

Again, the trail ends in Lancelot’s courtyard, completing the solve of this post.

[sugarlinnie]

𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐌𝐞

1. What is your full name?

Lai Kuanlin!

2. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name?

Mommy calls me angel! And sometimes monkey!

2. Do you have any allergies?

Strawberries. :( But guess who still eats them! yummy.

4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?

It was down to below my butt once!

5. How well can you write in cursive?

:/ Gross.

6. Name one item on your bucket list.

Uhm! I really wanna go to France.

7. Have you ever been on a blind date?

I’m not blind? How could I have gone on a blind date? haha

8. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?

Uhm, five years? Maybe? It was one of the first things my mommy bought me and it’s white and really pretty!

9. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant?

Uhm… maybe four or five times a month? Mommy has lots and lots of clients.

10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?

lol not @ all c;

11. Can you drive stick?

...C-Can i what?

12. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

France! Oh, it’s so so beautiful! Mommy went once and told me all about the lovely people and the nature and the SIGHTS! She said I would love it, that there’s this quaint little cafe with the bet cupcakes. . . I want to go so so badly..

13. Nutella or peanut butter?

Nutella! Yummy!

14. At what age did you have your first kiss?

Uhm…. fifteen?

15. DC or Marvel?

Icky.

16. Have you ever hosted a wild party?

My mommy hosts some! But they’re not interesting.

17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it?

I read one of the Harry Potter books I think, but I don’t remember the author! I don’t really read unless it’s for class :(

18. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with?

Facebook is for old people

19. Have you ever donated blood?

Yes! And it hurt really bad :( But they gave me a cookie and some juice after and the mommy convinced them to give me an extra one. And then gave me hers :)

20. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays?

13!!!!!!!

21. Coffee or tea?

Tea!

22. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?

I like the pink drink but mommy says its too sugary :(

23. Last show you binge watched?

Spongebob! I watch it a lot but not when mommy is home. She gets annoyed and good girls don’t annoy their mommies.

24. Dogs or cats?

KITTIES!

25. Favorite animated Disney character?

I like Flounder!

26. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself?

My family is me and mommy so yes! I’d say so! I’m not very good at cooking though..

27. Favorite winter activity?

I like building snowmen! We do it on the building’s roof because there’s not much free land outside where we live. :(

28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?

Have I ever what?

29. Can you blow a bubble gum bubble?

Yes! Once I blew one so big it popped and landed on mommy! She didn’t think it was very funny...

30. How early in the year do you start celebrating Christmas?

September is when I start hunting for gifts and I make mommy decorate with me right after Halloween!

31. What emoji best describes your life right now?

The heart eyes!!

32. Are you fluent in more than one language?

Yes!

33. What is the longest you’ve ever kept a New Year’s resolution?

Uh…. i’m not sure!

34. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? Did you gain any of the weight back?

Mommy says I’m perfect. And that diets are only to help people feel better about themselves. So I don’t diet.

35. Are any of your grandparents still alive?

Yes, my grandma!

36. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions?

Apparently, I’m very expressive.. Mommy calls it funny. :(

37. Have you ever gotten a commercial jingle stuck in your head?

The Geico commercials :( But mommy gets mad when i sing them all day..

38. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was over?

no

39. Do you consider rapping singing?

no

40. Does your home have a fireplace?

Yes! A really big and really pretty marble one!

41. Favorite non-chocolate candy?

SKITTLES!

42. If you could have only one superpower, what would you want and why?

I want to talk to animals

A lot

especially kitties

43. Have you ever locked your keys in your car?

i don’t drive !

44. Do you listen to any religious music?

no ew

45. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?

i like dr pepper! sometimes!

46. What was your ACT score?

34!

47. Rice or quinoa?

I like rice better :(

48. From 1-10, how good of a driver do you consider yourself?

-2 i suck :(

49. Do you like horror movies?

YES I LOVE HORROR MOVIES MOMMY CALLS ME HER LITTLE SPOOK

50. How easily do you cry?

:/ very easily :/

51. Do you have any tattoos? If so, of what and where?

I have a cute little ghost tattooed on my forearm! He’s got little fangs and a cute little smile!

52. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

mhm … by closest that means bella and yukyung so probably shopping!!

53. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit?

gross no :(

54. Can you play any musical instruments? If so, which ones?

i can play the piano really well! i’ve been learning since i was little and mommy even got me a tutor for a while so i could learn to play the longer songs! i play for a little every day and when i’m sad or nervous, i write my own little melodies!

55. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

mommy thinks i’m an ambivert and i agree!! I think i’m a little of both!

56. Last CD you bought?

the red summer!

57. Do you like roller coasters?

no!!!!

58. What day of the week is laundry day for you?

mommy has the staff do our laundry.. so it varies!

59. Have you ever played spin the bottle?

noope

60. How long have you known your best friend?

eight years! I love my bella :((

61. Can you eat using chopsticks?

yes yes! mommy giggles because i don’t really do it right, but i always get more on my sticks than she does so i’m the real winner here :)

62. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of?

yes !! i have tons! little kitties and i have a few rainbows and uhm, i think a unicorn maybe? there’s also lots n lots n lots of pink!

63. How often do you say y'all?

huh?

64. Favorite flavor of ice cream?

Chocolate! but strawberry is a close second!

65. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?

i’ve been with mommy since i was fifteen. so four years so far!

66. Star Trek or Star Wars?

neither

67. How good are you at math?

>:(

68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?

noooo

69. How often do you read/pay attention to your horoscope?

eh.

70. What is the shortest your hair has ever been?

my shoulders! but it was really ugly :(

71. Have you ever broken any bones?

my nose! and i broke my wrist a few months ago because i tried to be a big girl when mommy wasnt home and it didn’t go well :(

72. Do you like to go fishing?

no yucky why would you take fishies out of their ponds

73. Do you believe in evolution?

mommy calls me a monkey and says i definitely used to be one but i don’t think that’s evolution

74. Favorite costume you wore for Halloween? How old were you?

ooo!!! i love this question! last year for halloween, we went to a party for mommy’s work and i got to play princess all night!! she got me a pretty swooshy pink dress and the prettiest pink heels and she even hired someone to do my makeup and my hair for me!! everyone thought i was the best princess they’d ever ever EVER seen!

75. Real or fake Christmas trees?

real why would you ruin Christmas with a fake tree :(

76. How many pillows do you sleep with?

eight! but i usually end up laying on mommy’s chest so …… :)

77. Do you live in an apartment or a house?

it’s a loft! it’s really expensive so we each sort of have our own floors? if that makes any sense? it’s on the business side of town, so i don’t have many friends or anything, but the loft is split into the lobby ( you have to have a passcode to get in and everything! ) fourteen different subfloors, the penthouse, and then the roof! but if you get on the elevator, a teeny little hallway leads to the different loft on each floor so for instance, if you step off on the wrong floor, you’re not walking directly into someone else’s living room!

78. How many of your friends are of the opposite gender?

It’s too hard to count all of my friends!! :(

79. Have you ever had a near-death experience?

no!

80. How long have you been at your current job?

since i was seventeen!

81. What kind of car do you drive (year, brand, model, color)?

i have a cute little mercedes that mommy bought for me but….. Again…. I suck at driving

82. How flexible are you?

i can do the splits going straight down AND to the sides, and i can put my feet behind my head!

83. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship?

no.

84. Phrase you say the most?

‘ cute! ‘

85. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it?

i kiss mommy all the time!

86. Do you own any homemade clothing?

i make a lot of my clothes! heejin and i learned how to sew from our aunt and i really liked doing it so i make lots of sweaters and things!

87. Do you like fast food?

yes yummy!

88. Have you ever given anyone CPR?

nooo

89. Have you ever learned to do anything from a how-to video on YouTube?

i learned how braid my hair!

90. Describe your sense of humor.

i dunno i just really like those funny little vines

OH AND KITTY MEMES!!

92. Favorite cereal?

chocolate lucky charms!

93. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show?

no

94. Have you ever gotten a TV theme song stuck in your head?

no

95. Do you believe in ghosts?

YES

96. Do you think there is life on other planets?

YES YES MOMMY THINKS ITS DUMB BUT I MAKE HER WATCH DOCUMENTARIES AND THINGIES WITH ME !!!

97. Have you ever given money to a street performer?

yes! everytime i see someone i give them whatever i happen to have in my purse!

98. Your deepest fear?

being alone

99. Pancakes or waffles?

waffles! mommy makes the yummiest waffles and she covers them in strawberry sauce and chocolate chips for me!! if i was a good girl the night before, i even get whipped cream!!

100. Are you still friends with anyone from high school?

yes i’m still friends with tons of my high school friends!

101. From 1-10, how good of a dancer do you consider yourself?

7!

102. How much of a patient person are you?

:/

103. Do you know your IQ?

nooo

104. Do you eat meat at all?

if i could be a vegetarian i would but i like baked chicken and tacos too much :(

105. Do you own any clothes from a garage sale or a thrift store?

yes ! i own tons of clothes from both!

106. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market?

yes mommy and i love visiting flea markets! It’s where we found a lot of our lazy day outfits!

107. Have you ever quit a job?

noo

108. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

yes :(

109. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over and over again and enjoy just as much each time?

ALL OF THE DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIES

110. Do you or have you ever worn glasses?

yes i have to wear them sometimes :(

111. Have you ever skinny dipped?

once or twice with mommy!

112. Are your birth parents still together?

yes! :)

113. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show?

no

114. Favorite type of cookie?

CHOCOLATE CHIP

115. Have you ever been broken up with?

uh yeah. i guess..

116. How often do you smile when getting your picture taken?

i smile in them pretty often actually!

117. Have you ever accidentally dialed 911?

yes :(

118. Oldest memory?

baking cookies with eomma for my appa back in taiwan!

119. Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank?

i’d rather not talk about it.

120. How often do you snort when you laugh?

never!

121. From 1-10, how good of a singer do you consider yourself?

-4 but guess who sings anyways!

122. Favorite Disney song?

scales and arpeggios and i see the light!

123. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

i really want to be a professional photographer..

124. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?

enfp-t!

125. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true?

no

126. Name one thing you wish people would stop posting on social media.

weird challenges :/

127. Last musical artist you saw live?

red velvet! mommy took me!!

128. Credit cards or cash?

cash

129. Favorite fandom?

uh ...

130. What is your astrological sign?

I dunno!

131. Have you ever been fired from a job?

no

132. Any hidden talents?

I can actually dance really well!

133. Can you surf?

no

134. What motivates you to do well in life?

making my mommy proud of me.

135. Your worst physical feature?

my mouth i think :( it’s really red and annoying sigh

136. From 1-10, how much are you like your father?

2

137. How lucky do you consider yourself?

very!

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised.

the day i met my mommy.

139. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty?

hm?

140. What type of shoes do you wear the most?

my boots! they’re black but they have a cute lil fabric bit of flowers sewn to the inside!!

141. Favorite summer activity?

swimming!

142. Favorite song to sing in the shower?

uhm…. likey!

143. Have you ever lived with a roommate you did not get along with?

no!

144. Have you ever lived on a farm?

no haha

145. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal?

yes! I write in it every day!

146. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

none???

147. How often do you get mad at yourself?

Lots :(

148. Have you ever gotten any stitches?

yes on my belly when i was thirteen!! there’s a lil white line :((

149. Have you ever been hunting?

no! that’s nasty!

150. Favorite YouTube channel?

I don’t watch much youtube.

151. Have you ever had a pet besides a dog or a cat?

i had a bunny! i named him carrot :(

152. From 1-10, how well do you work with others?

10!

153. Are you friends with any of your exes?

all of them!

154. Apple or PC?

Apple!

155. Do you collect anything?

i collect funky little jewelry pieces!

156. Have you ever seen any Broadway plays or musicals?

no :( i’d like to though!

157. Any missed opportunities you wish you had taken?

no

158. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?

no?

159. Do you have a pool at your house?

Yes! It’s on the ground though. and it’s not mine haha

160. What is the longest you’ve gone without sleep?

twenty - seven hours!

161. Last thing that made you laugh?

i saw a video of a cat using a human toilet!!

162. Disney or Nickelodeon?

disney

163. Name one celebrity you wish was still alive.

uh

164. From 1-10, how much are you like your mother?

9

165. Your best physical feature?

my eyes! and mommy says i have cute thighs!

166. Earbud or earmuff headphones?

earmuff headphones!!

167. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender?

no

168. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your ear lobes?

yes i got my nipples done a month or so ago!

169. How often do you wash your hair?

every two days but i shower every day!

170. Showers or baths?

baths !

171. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?

yes, for sohee!

172. Bottled or tap water?

bottled !

173. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?

I dont remember :(

174. Any guilty pleasures you’re willing to discuss?

does.. Does chocolate count

175. Favorite video game?

animal crossing!!!

176. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight?

yes each year from my mommy.

177. How many of the United States have you visited?

I havent! but i’d really love to visit Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Canada!

178. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?

always.

179. Have you ever gotten a surgery?

no

180. Your least favorite food?

fish :(

181. From 1-10, how competitive are you?

5

182. Do you like wearing hats?

no not really

183. How much of a jealous person are you?

:/ i get jealous so easily..

184. What was your SAT score?

669

185. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show?

i vote for p101 all the time but it’s not really reality i don’t think

186. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military?

no

187. Snowboarding or skiing?

neither

190. Have you ever dyed your hair?

yes!

191. From 1-10, how good of a cook do you consider yourself?

-2

192. You have just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit

my work blog!

193. How many things can you do with your weaker hand?

i can legibly write my name!

194. Were you involved in any academic clubs in high school?

nope

195. Have you ever played hooky from school?

sometimes

196. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies?

yes

197. Do you root for any sports teams?

no :/

198. First thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

cuddle my mommy

199. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which one would you choose?

panther! grr!

200. Tell something about yourself most people don’t know.

I’m actually really, really scared of people rejecting me.

[tebbyclinic11]

17 New Spring Cookbooks We Can’t Wait to Stain

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17 New Spring Cookbooks We Can’t Wait to Stain

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It’s no coincidence that spring is one of the greatest times of the year to cook—and one of the greatest seasons for cookbook releases. These are the 17 new cookbooks we can’t wait to stain.

When Rogers Gray Italian Country Cook Book was published in 1995, it launched a food moment, the ripples of which are being felt to this day. The seductively elemental Italian recipes from Ruth Rogers and Rose Gray—untrained chefs who had started London’s River Cafe as a commissary for the architects in Richard Rogers’s practice on Thames Wharf—sent me and countless others scrambling for ingredients like lacinato kale and salt-packed anchovies. Many a dinner party was built around their pumpkin risotto, and many was foiled by a failed Chocolate Nemesis cake. While the dishes at the fabled restaurant—home to such young cooks as April Bloomfield, Jamie Oliver, and Clare Deboer and Jess Shadbolt of NYC’s King—were flawless, the published recipes were rather loosey-goosey. The stunningly designed 30th-anniversary edition of the beloved blue book corrects that, as the recipes have been tested and updated. Like the restaurant, the dishes in River Cafe 30 feel as vital and vibrant as ever.

Cake by Maira Kalman and Barbara Scott-Goodman

Sweets have always figured in Maira Kalman’s jaunty paintings. Now she has created Cake, a cookbook that delights the palate and stirs the heart, with narrative, nostalgic illustrations followed by recipes, created by her friend Barbara Scott-Goodman, for favorites like coconut layer cake, plum torte, and the honey cake that her cousin Tali always puts into her suitcase before she returns home to NYC. Especially poignant is the image of the pink “philosophical cake” that her family made while living in Rome in the ‘80s, iced with the words, “A day without dancing is a wasted day.” It’s Love, Loss, and What I Baked.

“Elbow deep in dough, I surrendered.” North Carolina baker Tara Jensen achieved Instagram fame first for her artful, post-latticed pie crusts and masterful bread, then for her raw breakup posts and Deep Observations from the remote countryside. Her fearlessly honest—some might say way oversharing—book, A Baker’s Year, is part diary, part artisanal baking manual, with recipes for New Moon Cake, Broken Down Berry Pie, and Bloody Butcher Pancakes. In short, millennial gold. The instructions lean toward the minimalist and intuitive, meaning you might need to watch a YouTube video to master that crust or know if your starter—excuse me, (A) Culture (of Resistance)—is really kicking. While you’re online, check out Julia Kramer’s excellent profile of Jensen for BA.

A BAKER’S YEAR. Text and illustration credits (c) 2018 by Tara Jensen and reprinted by permission of St. Martin’s Press.

Variations on the Full Moon Cake from A Baker’s Year.

British blogger Meera Sodha’s debut cookbook, Made in India, was an instant classic, creating authentic Indian flavors by using what most people have in the fridge. (In fact, I have some of her cilantro-coconut chutney in the freezer right now, waiting to be added to chicken.) Her vegetarian sequel, Fresh India, is just as dog-earrable, with recipes like Sri Lankan dal with coconut and lime kale and the addictive shredded Brussels sprout thoran, or stir fry, which prompts you to shred them in the food processor. (Light bulb/forehead-slapping moment.) Like Sodha, with her bangs and red lipstick, these recipes feel both relaxed and spontaneous, taking much of the intimidation out of Indian cooking.

(Right) Photo by Jennifer May

Japan: The Cookbook is an essential, authoritative, approachable guide to the country’s cooking by expat Nancy Singleton-Hachisu, author of the cult favorite Japanese Farm Food. The condensed history of Japanese food alone is both humbling and endearing. (We Americans can surely learn something from a cuisine that began around 12,000 B.C., when the creation of earthenware pots and the use of ash to remove toxins or bitterness from mountain vegetables first began—both still used today.) The recipes are brief and simple, with big payoff once you’ve stocked your pantry. Get ready to make fried chicken meatballs with nori; flowering greens with sake-soy; and crispy greens with sesame part of your repertoire.

Anissa Helou’s Feast: Food of the Islamic World provides an insightful, lushly depicted journey into millennia-old cuisines many of us know relatively bupkus about. Helou’s chapter on bread alone is a travelogue, seducing with recipes for flat and filled breads from Yemen, Somalia, India, Morroco, Iran, Turkey, and more. (The Zanzibari savory doughnuts and Arabian date bread are particularly appealing). This being a celebratory book, recipes for whole beasts—or just their humps, legs, and breasts—elaborate rice dishes, and spice mixes combine with more makeable pleasures like meatballs in sour cherry sauce, baked rice cakes with lamb, and Ramadan date cookies. Helou is both scholar and hedonist, which makes for the best kind of guide in the kitchen.

BA contributor Brooks Headley not only runs Superiority Burger, the best vegan-leaning burger joint in NYC, his punk ethos and deadpan humor make for some of the best cookbook reading ever. Now he brings his “modest, non-fancy” ethos, as well as recipes for hippy wraps, tofu-fried tofu, burnt broccoli salad and, dear lord, that gelato, home with Superiority Burger: The Vegetarian Hamburger Is Now Delicious. Even if you don’t make his signature burger, you’ll enjoy reading the recipe, in which he proclaims, “The un-likeness to the real thing is uncanny… They are absolutely recognizable as food, and are meant to be a Luddite response to the modern gaggle of vegetable patties that bleed and squirt and ape.” Vegans—no, humans—rejoice.

Sam Hodgson

The oh-so-famous veggie burger at Superiority, coming to a kitchen near you.

Food writing—that is, good writing about food—ain’t what it used to be. Posts and feeds can’t compare to the confident, informed words of M.F.K. Fisher, Elizabeth David, or Patience Gray. They were actively cooking and researching (and living), then weighing each phrase, producing lasting works that no emoji can summarize. Editor and Chez Panisse cook turned author Tamar Adler has set herself in their footsteps, producing books with cooking in them rather than straight-up cookbooks. Her debut, An Everlasting Meal, made leftovers seem quite lovely, a dinner of toast and beans a quiet moral victory. With Something Old, Something New: Classic Recipes Reinvented, she strives to revitalize fusty classics and long-forgotten dishes, bringing them into this century with verve and ease. And so this spring might find you serving—without air quotes—Waldorf salad and Charlotte Russe; A Respectful Omelet and braised lettuce on toast. To get to the recipes, you will clamber past tightly crafted sentences like “This [shrimp] bisque is for fishermen and boat builders, for falconers, toll collectors, bricklayers, cooks, floor cleaners, window washers, bakers, bookbinders, gas pump attendants, metalworkers, and teachers, a most noble if not royal collection of humanity indeed.” It’s bookery meets cookery.

Other books of note:

Aska by Fredrik BerseliusThis season’s prettiest entry in the “collectible, not cookable” category is from the excellent Brooklyn restaurant Aska.

Jam Session: A Fruit-Preserving Handbook by Joyce GoldsteinThe former Chez Panisse chef has just the right touch.

Repertoire: All the Recipes You Need by Jessica BattaglianaThe title says it all: The perfect one-stop cookbook that builds kitchen confidence to boot.

Food52 Any Night Grilling by Paula DisbroweFinally, a grilling book that’s not bro-y. Pass the grilled cauliflower with green harissa!

How to Eat a Peach by Diana HenryThe unstoppable Ms. Henry does it again.

The Flavor Matrix: The Art and Science of Pairing Common Ingredients to Create Extraordinary Dishes by James BriscioneRemember that IBM Watson computer? Well, it helped form the basis of this book, which scientifically determines foods with complementary flavor compounds. Strawberries with mushrooms? You betcha.

Sweet Laurel: Recipes for Whole Food, Grain-Free Desserts by Laurel Gallucci and Claire ThomasThe women behind the popular L.A. bakery have mastered delicious GF treats that require fewer than 10 ingredients—none hard to find.

Session Cocktails: Low Alcohol Drinks for Any Occasion by Drew Lazor and the editors of PUNCHGreat recipes for when you need to ease into your evening (or day).

Eat a Little Better: Great Flavor, Good Health, Better World by Sam KassFormer food policy advisor and, hey, Obama chef Sam Kass brings you simple, doable ways to eat (and feel) healthier and shop more sustainably without driving yourself nuts.

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[teamhufflepuff17]

First nine kids all disappointments? Going for perfect ten? Here are a few important things to keep in mind as you go about conception.

For starters, for a successful conception event, it is best NOT to be using ANY form of birth control. Such things include: “the pill,” invented in the late 1950s, an IUD (Ineruteran Device, both copper and hormonal.) Diaphrams, any form of condom that is inserted or applied to an external appendage, depo shots, progestin-only mini pill, nuvaring, vasectomy, hysterectomy, cervical cap, The Sponge, perfect timing, and, in general, abstinence, although if you are truly attached to the abstinence method there are medical ways of getting around this. Our advice applies to those becoming pregnant in either a bedroom, medical, or bar bathroom setting.

In pregnancy, as with all things, it’s important to keep a balance of humors. Leading up to the conception event, and during the early gestation period, keep a careful control of the comedians and memes you expose your impressionable fetal cells to. ANY exposure to Gishwhes Mocker Tosh.0, for example, might lead your child to grow up to be a fun-hating monster. We here at Team Hufflepuff suggest a carefully curated diet of current memes (though not past their expiration date-- be careful!) and Samantha Bee. Other good humors include Trevor Noah, tumblr user officialunitedstates, memelovingbot, Jessica Williams, John Mulaney, television show Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Leslie Jones, Kate McKinnon, Hannibal Buress, Donald Glover, Bo Burnham (not including Make Happy)  and NPR show Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me. Bad humors include such things as CJ Lewis, the aforementioned Tosh.0 (Daniel Tosh), TJ Miller, and all of the CW show “Supernatural” sans season two episode 15 “Tall Tales”, which is definitely a good humor.

2b. Television is a very dicey proposition these days, so make sure that you’re creating good vibes by watching the right shows. Careful study of children named “Khaleesi” have suggested that you should avoid watching Game of Thrones if you are pregnant or trying to become so. Similarly, if there is any chance (and there is usually a chance) that your child will form to be female, it may be safest to abstain from any and all watching of “Supernatural” during pre-conception, gestation, and early life, lest the bad luck be transmitted through the internet and/or airwaves. “Wayward Sisters,” which has not yet premiered, will, we’re sure, come highly recommend. (And let us pause for a moment to let this writer scream. Okay. She’s screamed. We shall now carry on with the instructions.)

Kale (hereonout referred to as [REDACTED]): Make sure there is no [REDACTED] anywhere NEAR the conception event, as its bad energies might cause defects in the child (such as a taste for [REDACTED]) or prevent conception altogether. Make a thorough sweep of the conception area before starting the Event, and stay aware as you progress, for [REDACTED] can be wiley.

In the time leading up to the conception event, or in case of failure, in between conception attempts, always make sure that the sanitary pads used by the birth-giving partner have previously been used for great art, such as an angel, or a very small renaissance sculpture. This will help the coming fetus to develop a taste for good art, and avoid such low-brow art forms as television shows on the CW network. Shudder! Go out to Costco, Sam’s Club or your regional equivalent and stock up on at least 300 pads (in case conception attempts must be repeated over an extended period.) Build something amazing, and have the birth-giving partner pick individual supplies off the sculpture as needed. If there is more than one partner that might require such resources, start with a basic stock of 900, and build a taj mahal.

Think we’ve forgotten children one through nine? Never! They are very important during the conception event, as in, you must take careful steps to make sure they are nowhere near it, as they might scare your future fetus out of existence. We recommend sending them to a movie. Probably not The Emoji Movie, as this might make them too emotional. Try something safe like a Monty Python quote-along. However, too much Monty Python might end up rubbing off on your future fetus, and this can be dangerous. If you do not live near a movie theater, or if children eight and nine are too young for such dangerous prospects, perhaps you can shut them in the neighbor’s house. I’m sure everyone on the block loves your nine children! Bribe money can also come into play here, as i’m sure you’re sending your children off to the factory as soon as they hit five years old.

I’ve just been informed that children are not allowed to go work at the factory. Or in general. Are you sure you want ten of these things? Clearly you do if you’ve gotten this far in the list, so i shall continue, for all I want is for you to be happy, and if ten children will make you happy, then you deserve to get there.

During the conception event, be it interpersonal or medical, it’s always best to set the mood. Put on some nice screamo or norwegian death metal to scare those eggs straight! (Straight as in, into forming a fetus. We know that perfect people cannot, by definition, be heterosexual-- sorry, straights out there-- so that is not the kind of straight we mean.)

Now we’re going to assume that the conception event was successful, and there are a few cells that are going to grow into a few more cells to become a fetus to become a baby to become a child to become a cranky teenage to becoming a disillusioned adult to becoming a semi successful adult that can support you in your old age. Congratulations on your success! But don’t think that your journey is done, for there is a lot to do to make sure that number ten comes out as perfect as Lauren Cohen’s portrayal of Bela Talbot. (Thought we’d forgotten about her? We hadn’t! Although we don’t actually know if Misha watched the earlier seasons, so if he hasn’t, she was the perfect female Crowley we all deserved. She was Crowley before Crowley was Crowley. And she was better at it. Rest in Peace, Bela, we’d love to see you come back as a demon someday, who can I talk to about this? You can reach me through DM, Wayward Sisters writers.)

Make sure you’re reading the right books! Everyone knows about “what to expect when you’re expecting,” but what about what to expect when you’re hoping to expect? There the market is both more broad and far more limited. Instead, break free of conventional thought-- make sure your child knows what they’re getting into in this world by reading them such works of literature as “Davy Barry’s Complete History of the Millennium (so far),” “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich,” and “Al Franken: Giant of the Senate” by Senator Al Franken. “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” likely won’t inspire your forming child to clean their future room, but it couldn’t hurt to try.

Food and edibles are also incredibly important. We’ve already talked about the [REDACTED], and the bad energies it contains, but what about other foods? Some have suggested that avocado toast will prevent you from owning a home, but it will do wonders for your future child, even before the conception event. Stick a slice of avocado in the toaster and turn it on high until it’s a blackened mass, and then sleep with this mass under your pillow. Make sure you wear fluffy slippers to get all the benefits that come with avocado-toast adjacent sleep.

The good vibes of avocado toast aren’t limited to sleeping-- you can also use the avocado as a pumice stone on your feet, as a back scratcher. Do squats with avocados under your armpits. All of these actions will help you absorb the good vibes of the avocado and thus transmit them to the new fetus slowly growing fingernails in your uterus.

When it comes to ingestion, there are some hard and fast rules. If it’s orange, don’t eat it. That includes carrots. That includes sweet potatoes. That includes cheez-its. That includes orange chicken. All things orange are OUT during the time preceding and for two months following the conception event. You know who probably ate a lot of orange food while she was pregnant? Mary Anne MacLeod. Are we running these jokes into the ground? Probably, but frankly, that’s the only thing we can do save cry about it. So orange is out. This includes cheese puffs. This includes doritos. This includes pumpkin, and to be safe, pumpkin spice. Sorry, it’s too orange adjacent.

However, there are other colors that are much safer! Blue food, for example. Blueberries, and…. Anything else that’s blue besides blueberries. If it’s not blue, make it bue, Percy Jackson-style. I’ve got faith in you. (But wait, you’re probably thinking. If I can mkae a Dorito blue, can I eat it during the time frame laid out in the previous bullet point? Yes, I suppose. The good blue energy will cancel out the negative orange for a net of zero, so you should eat some extra blue.)

As we all know, Green is not a creative color. How much creativity your child expresses will depend on how much green you allow them to come into contact with. If you want a non-creative child-- say, a male writer who can only write about affairs the self-insert main character is having with much younger women, to name an example that comes to mind-- then you should stuff your face with peas. If you want a child who expresses their creativity in an actually creative way, then perhaps err on the side of purples instead. Trade Granny Smith for some grapes. Figure out how to cook an eggplant.

But wait, you’re saying. Aren’t eggplants sort of yellow inside, and isn’t that orange-adjacent? Wrong, because yellow is a good color. Nice and safe. Eat a banana.

Reds are fine in small doses. Don’t overdo it on the apples. Definitely do not overdo it on the red peppers. And raspberries? Play it safe with raspberries. You wouldn’t want your kid to grow up to be Macklemore. Unless you do, in which case, rasperries are your food.

If you’re capable of hearing, sounds are very important for your cell cluster. Good music for both the conception event and time preceding it includes: Anything by Kesha, anything by Lonely Island, anything by Beyonce, anything by Halsey and select songs by Imagine Dragons. Bad music for both conception and afterwards includes anything with a piano in it that was not recorded by one of the preceding artists. Pianos are bad for kids! Just look at what Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner have wrought with them! Keytars, on the other hand, will inspire your child to great heights and also probably make them tall.

Congratulations! You’re now well on your way to having child number ten! If you’re looking for naming suggestions, going with the “ten” theme could be successful. Consider naming your child something like “decem” or “ten” or, in the puritan tradition, “please be a good one this time”. Go forth and raise decent enough offspring, you superparent, you. Make sure they’re all registered to vote as soon as possible.

[mandimormon-blog]

Edifice Dignified

Holy wow.   Can we all just get along now?   It’s very clear some people really like our new President and others really do not.   We’ve heard you all, loud and clear.  I’m afraid it’s creating a divide.  

In fact, on the way to school a few days ago, our children sat in the backseat < the usual.   We overheard on two opposite sides of the cab, a conversation between my oldest and youngest that consisted of, “No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“YES, it is!”

“NO, It’s not!”

My husband glanced over at me and said it sounds a lot like Facebook back there.  I couldn’t help but chuckle.   Honest.

It’s Tuesday, and there isn’t a significant reason for posting a blog on a Tuesday except for the fact I haven’t had time on Sunday or Monday.  So, Tuesday wins.  We are rounding out January 2017.

We just finished up a busy weekend.  My five year-old son, Jude, participated in his first ever baseball clinic.  He’s been uninterested for years but like I said before, my husband swayed his decision and he’s in love.  He, who ?  Both of them.  Allen texted me from observing our son play and told me this was the greatest day of his life.   He has also clarified this baseball thing was a daddy-son deal, not for momma, and honestly, I’m 100% okay with that.  I think.

While Jude was balling, Reis and Remi were cheering at cheer clinic.  Needless to say it was a busy day and that wasn’t all.  While they were cheering I was getting my sweat on and I don’t mean like a little bit of perspiration, my nose was dripping sweat drops at Kettlebell Tabata, which I’m convinced is the best workout on earth.   After watching a brief preview of cheer clinic, I hightailed across town to attend a Cheesecake and Canvas, a fundraiser for the nursery school, with my cousin.  It was a great time!  

Backing up to Friday, I had the opportunity to go into Jude’s class and assist making completely edible Gingerbread Houses.  No glue, my friends, just caramelized sugar to adhere the pieces together.  The Kindergarteners did a marvelous job of assembling and decorating the mini-houses.  

You know, I really did think Spring was at the doorstep, last week, then boom.   It was freezing, again.   On date night, my husband and I went to dinner and after we were done eating before going to Champaign to see Hidden Figures, I changed into a base layer and sweats with a sweatshirt, because I wasn’t going to freeze my tail off.   I was through with my chattering teeth and clinching my abs.  I was all about warmth.  I sat a downed a bag, entirely, of sweet potato chips (because they’re Autoimmune Paleo) and because I’m excessive.  Then I concluded that probably wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.  I’d add I won’t make that mistake, again, but I can’t say that confidently.

 Today, I’ve been rolling cake balls for my mother’s birthday.   The smell of cake is lingering in my house and each time I washed my hands I gloried over how wonderful they must taste because of their smell.  

Good news, though. Reintroduction on AIP is coming at the end of the week, and I can finally have… drumroll, please… egg yolks, nut oils, and seed-based spices, and I need at least three days in between each introduction to assure there isn’t a reaction.   Ehhh, slowly, but surely.

And it’s Wednesday. Wow.  Still no post but I do have to share some amazing news.  It’s hard for me to admit it (mostly because I want to avoid being lynched for this) but I’ve always been a poor recycler.  I do a good job of recycling veggies and fruits (to compost); recycling clothes (by donation); upcycling (on rare, very rare occasion); but paper, plastic, cardboard, ehhh.. I could do SO much better. But thanks to my wonderful husband, he’s purchased a separate trash can for recycling and we have now designated our back trash can for recycling and our front trash can for non-recyclables. By back trash can I mean, my kitchen cabinet came with a drawer and two cans inside of it.  I mean, honestly the convenience was there all along.  I’ve been taking pride in rinsing out my plastics and placing them into our “recycling bin”.  I’d OCD with my waste baskets anyway, sure we get sloppy sometimes and particles get in the bottom then they need sterilization.  That’s one of my household chores, removing the smelly garbage smell from the cans. Yuck-o.  I did find that one of our cans now has a temporary Minion tattoo on the bottom-inside of it, as I was rinsing with warm water, actually aiding that tattoo to stick.  I haven’t had time to reach my arm down in there and scrap it out.  I said it can stay until the next washing.  

I’ve also been on a massive house-purge, again.   This happens frequently when you live in a cottage.  It also happens when you can’t find something of importance, twice.  I feel like I’ve written this before, but my mom gave me some great advice to never carry around my social security card with me.  So, of course, I put that social security card in a “safe place”.  I don’t know where that “safe place” was.  It’s still a mystery.  As I went through five totes of organized paperwork in our upstairs closet I realized that my children probably don’t need every worksheet they’ve ever done in 2nd grade or preschool, but I should probably just cling to the most important, artistic or creative writing ones.  In fact, I considered googling, “Which schoolwork should I keep so my children don’t hate me when they become adults?”

Instead on my purge-ney (purge-journey), I got sidetracked on how to organize birthday cards and photographs, questioned the need to save birthday cards from every birthday, and then I decided I was unprepared to cope with throwing memories away.  So, I left three totes outside of the closet with one bag of donations and one back of recycling.  Tomorrow is game on, closet.  Purgeney 2017 is coming for you.

Well, it’s now Saturday.  What you’ve read thus far was written a few days ago but remained title-less until today.  Remi and I just got home from Kettlebell Tabata and we’re ready to embark on many adventures today.  A basketball game she’s cheering during, two birthday parties for Reis, a daddy-daughter date for Remi, and Jude is stuck with me.  ;-D

My children love electronic devices.  So much so, that we really need to place some limitations.  It’s getting excessive.  A fun part is they’ll randomly text my cell phone or someone else’s cell phone (like Gram’s) from the iPad, spontaneously.  Usually sending 47 emoji’s, 11 times in a row, with no rhyme or reason.  Thank goodness for my unlimited data plan.  Occasionally, Jude will press the predicted words at the top of the smartphone text box and real words will come through with no meaning.  Other times, just letters.  However, a few days ago, “Edifice Dignified” came through and I wondered what kind of riddle this was coming from my husband.  Jude didn’t accompany that message with any emojis or an additional 35 text messages.  Later I figured out it was him.  

Ah, 2017, such a different time.  When I was a middleschooler circa 1999, AOL Instant Messenger became “a thing”.  I would chat for hours on end with my friends.  I guess it’s similar with iPods except there wasn’t Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, or any photos on the other end.  Only words.  Only words and abbreviations like: lol, brb, prw, cu l8er < wow.  Sometimes we’d group chat.  We all had screen names, too, we didn’t even go by our real names.  The evolution of social media is pretty nifty.  Going back a little further, my parents purchased our first desktop computer around 1993.  It was a Macintosh, with a ginormous monitor and the disk drive and CD-ROM ports were built into that huge monitor.  There was a big tower (which I think still exist,  I’ve had laptops for the past 10 years), and a keyboard.  I could play Minesweeper, Solitaire, and any other games which were purchased in a huge box from an electronic store.  This was back around the time when Oregon Trail was still trending.  I recall in Kindergarten having my first computer exposure to a small screen and huge keyboard box with a floppy drive.  It was the Apple II E.  

It floors me how my children can pick up on games or programs so quickly. Jude downloaded a game similar to Minecraft and he goes to town, building and creating with his imagination.  He builds secret passageways under homes and puts in gardens and pools and builds structures.  It’s pretty incredible.  But from the tools he’s provided, on the side of the screen, there is no way I’d be able to figure out how to do anything!  I mean maybe after awhile.  

Just the other day, after Family Home Evening, I mean we’re talking a few minutes after, he’d already built a temple on his app.  Incredible.