#spinny rant

[spinnysocks]

dustpelt and ravenpaw are brothers right? imagine if spiderleg or shrewpaw looked like raven. i don't think dust and raven were ever close but imagine dust feeling a stab of pain in his chest looking at his newborn son, who looks just like his brother who he never got close to and now is essentially removed from his life. if shrewpaw looked like raven it would be quite a resemblance - dustpelt can no longer reach his son or his brother, losing both when they were just apprentices. if spiderleg looked like raven, dustpelt watches his son's misery grow just like ravenpaw's did in the clan

[midnighticee]

every single fiber of my being is begging me to not do my stupid fucking employee evaluation but i have to if i would like to keep my job 😣

[luvrbug]

When they have a crush on you

«─────────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ───────────»

▸ Characters; Law, Kidd, Luffy

▸ Warnings; GN reader

▸ a/n; my first OP work !!!! im still trying to grasp how to write for them but !!! i hope you all enjoy :] (psst- requests are open!)

«─────────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ───────────»

-> LAW

▸ Law refuses to show any emotional vulnerability. So when he realizes that YOU are the one making his emotions go absolutely haywire- its not a good scene.

▸ He cares about you so much. He doesnt form attachments easily, so when he does prepare for him to never let go.

▸ He starts to avoid you. Like, you cannot find him on the polar tang type of avoiding. He's afraid to put you in serious danger, he's wanted by the world covernment, has billions of beri on his head- he couldn't stand to put you in more danger.

▸ Law SAYS he is perfectly content with holding these feelings in until he dies. He is lying. At some point his frustration comes to a head and he just , corners you in the sub after not speaking to you for THREE WEEKS and word vomits all his emotions out while looking like a tomato.

▸ If you accept law is . surprisingly elated. This commitment doesn't feel heavy or scary like he imagined. He's not the biggest fan of PDA but he ABSOLUTELY links pinkies with you when walking around. (bepo, shaichi, and penguin are yall's biggest fans ever. they SO hide in the bushes during the first date and get discovered 😭)

▸ If you reject law .. he'll retreat back into his shell. He was open with you, and now he probably wont be. ever again. Really awkward interactions ensue.

-> KIDD

▸ He's so oblivious to his own emotions !!!!!! He's so mean to you all the time but he's killing anyone who lays a hand on you. He feels nauseous and feverish and embarrassed whenever he's around you but he's anxious and jittery when you're NOT around!

▸ He gets sooo jealous too. you could be like, sitting next to someone and he'll be breaking a tankard in his fist 😭.

▸ HE TRIES SO HARD TO IMPRESS YOU!!! He's smashing someone's face in extra flashily when you look his way. Carrying super heavy objects when youre in his vicinity. showing you all his latest inventions. He's almost like a really aggressive, abrasive puppy waiting on you to praise him.

▸ He probably blurts out all of his feelings when you sit just a little too close after one too many beers. He's raging at you for "making my head all spinny" and "making me feel like im gonna vomit glitter" while Heat and Wire are cackling in the background. Killer has his head in his hands while Kidd continues his drunken rant.

▸ If you somehow manage to wrangle him back to the ship and accept his confession, you will have a clingy, kissy kidd to deal with. He will not let you go. Your post-confession gift is a cranky, hungover kidd.

▸ If you reject him ... Kidd practically explodes. Not at you, but everyone who pisses him off is getting chewed out 10x as bad. He's hurt, and he needs time to tend his wounds. Your friendship will never be the same, but he won't make your life a living hell.

-> LUFFY

▸ Luffy is straightforward, honest, and determined. If he likes you, he'll say it loud and clear. He doesn't exactly know the line between romantic and platonic feelings, so it'll take someone like robin or sanji to clear that up for him.

▸ He is also very physically affectionate. Where you go, luffy goes. You have to practically beg to go to the bathroom alone. Skinny, Tall, Short, Chubby; luffy loves it all! He gomu-gomu no cuddles you constantly.

▸ He doesn't really get jealous. He trusts you! And he knows youre great, so obviously everyone would want to spend time with you! Just make sure he's in your top priorities.

▸ Luffy's confession is in everything he does. He never steals from your plate unless he's given permission, always makes sure you get the best cuts of meat / best quality veggies. He may just suddenly hold you and kiss you if hes in the mood. Luffy is probably on the aro/ace spectrum, so your relationship may be on the platonic spectrum some days + the romantic spectrum some days.

▸ If you turn down all of Luffy's advances, hes naturally a little let down. He won't stop caring about you, but he'll attempt (key word; attempt) to give you space and not be so affectionate. (how could you possibly turn this boy down >:[)

[saintjosie]

hi! i’m the skirt go spinny girl!

(and yes @pirateprincessjess and i are dating now!)

hi, i’m saint josie!

i am a 31 year old korean american trans woman, music maker, and content creator.

i make music under the name “saint josie” and my music is about the difficulties and joys of my transition: the pain of loss, finding chosen family, and learning to love myself. i write my own lyrics and music, i produce all of my own stuff, i sing, and i play guitar, bass, drums, keys, and a bunch of random misc instruments like percussion stuff, harmonicas, and even a theramin once. all of my stuff is on all streaming platforms, including soundcloud and now also bandcamp! (links reblogged and pinned!)

i’m on tiktok and instagram as @saint.josie. the content i make is about my journey as a trans woman, silly goofy skits, and also fun moments in my relationship with jess.

on this tumblr you will find some of my videos that i specifically think tumblr will enjoy (but not all of them don’t worry haha), a whole lot of reblogged memes that tickle my funnies, commentary on things that pique my interest, rants about how much i hate capitalism, and a LOT of encouragement for self love.

glad you’re here 💜

[th3-wh0le-c1rcus]

Teach me how to play | Tommy Lee

WARNINGS ~ suggestive content/sexual imply, kinda ooc?? mention of alcohol

TYPE ~ oneshot 

READER ~ fem

SUMMARY ~ you ask your boyfriend, Tommy to teach you how to play drums but isn’t it just so convenient you need some… extra guidance… and there’s only one seat at the drum kit? So where do you sit?

You looked out the window and, for the first time, processed what the weather was like: Sunny but still cold. Too cold that you didn’t want to go out. And the heater in your room was broken so all you could do was lie in bed, bored as ever. You considered going back to sleep but the noise from downstairs was too loud to drown out. You shared an apartment with 4 other boys, the hair metal band Mötley Crüe. The only reason you were living there is because you were dating the drummer, Tommy.

You had been dating for a couple months and everything was going smoothly. To be honest, the band wasn’t quite your taste but you still liked watching them practice or going to their shows. Mainly to see Tommy and how well his drumming was. You were fascinated to say the least. How his hands and eyes were so coordinated, how he was so in time every time they played, meanwhile you could barley hold 2 things at once without dropping both of them.

Mötley Crüe was practicing their last song right now and everything was going fine. Just as the song ended you heard a loud crash. Tommy’s cymbal had fallen over again. It happened at the end of every practice session but just to be safe, you ran down to make sure he was okay.

“Guys i swear i meant to do that- oh hey babe” Tommy turned his head and smiled. “We were just finishing up, are you okay?”

“Yeah I was just bored” you said.

“Well, the guys and I are about to head out and get some drinks, wanna come with us?” Then a thought popped into your mind. 

“Tommy, can you teach me how to play the drums?” Tommy’s eyes lit up in excitement. He’d waited for this moment for ages, ever since he introduced you to his band.

“Yeah sure! I’d love to!” The rests of the band scoffed.

“so you’re not comin with us T-bone?” Vince asked, irritated. 

“Nah I’d never pass up an opportunity like this! Go ahead we’ll wait here but get me a beer would you?” Vince rolled his eyes and nodded. And with that the boys left leaving you and Tommy alone. 

Tommy gestured you to come over. He started ranting about the names for each part of the drum kit, how to read drum tabs, how to hold the sticks correctly and how to do that weird spinny trick he learned in his high school marching band. You zoned out for most of it, you didn’t REALLY care that much for drums yourself but you needed your plan to work so you had to keep an interested face on the whole time.

At the end of Tommy’s little lecture, he told you to have a seat and gave you a beat from one of their easier songs to try on your own.

“Uhh, you aren’t going to show me first?” You asked.

“Nah you can do it babe! You got this!” Tommy’s words were so encouraging it was weird..

“But-“ 

“Dude just TRY even if you fail who cares?” He cut you off. Just TRY? You didn’t know how to do this, you barley even paid attention to his lesson! But nonetheless you gave it a shot anyway. And… failed… but Tommy didn’t get mad or anything. just kept telling you to try again. 

But at this point even you were irritated that you couldn’t get it right, the frustration visible on your face. Tommy acknowledged this and told you to get up.

“Hey don’t worry, I’ll show you how I do it and then you can try again alright? I’m not giving up on you.” Tommy sat down and started playing flawlessly, start to finish. The cymbal didn’t even crash this time. “See babe? Easy as that. Now come on try it again!” Alright, this was your chance to initiate the next phase of your plan. 

“Tommy clearly I’m not doing well at this…” You said in a fake dramatic tone, “Could you help guide me while playing?” 

Tommy’s expression was utterly confused. “W..what do you mean Y/N?” He asked, still seated, legs closed.

You slowly sat down on Tommy’s lap and looked over your shoulder at him. You took the drum sticks from him, and guided his hands onto yours. Tommy was shocked and almost blushing but he managed to act cool about it. But you knew the effect this sort of stuff had on him, these wholesome yet suggestive shenanigans. 

“Sooo, Tommy, can you show me how to do it again?” You asked him with slightly titled upward to create a fake innocent look. 

“Uh yeah of course babe” He softly held your hands and guided them where needed to go, like a Marionette puppet. Tommy was too fixated on getting the beat right he didn’t even notice his very obvious boner. You did though. And that’s when you knew your plan was going right. 

After a couple tries you finally figured it out and could play it on your own, not needing Tommy’s help.

“Babe I think I’ve got this.” You said confidently. 

“That’s great, want me to get u-“

“No that’s fine you just stay right where you are.” You interrupted, dragging out the ‘i’s in ‘right’ just to add emphasis. (YKWIM RIGHT?) You were slightly slipping off Tommy’s leg so you had to shift and move up a bit, causing him to let out a quiet gasp which you very clearly heard. You smirked to yourself, knowing what this was doing to him. At this point Tommy had caught on to your little plan and decided to add his own part.

To ensure you didn’t slip any further, he put his both hands on either end of your hips. He wasn’t completely confident in this move, thus him bouncing his leg up and down nervously which certainly didn’t help you play but it definitely felt good. The way each time his leg went up, it hit just the right spot. Tommy didn’t even realise what this was doing to you, he was just nervous.

You tried your best to play the beat on your own this time but Tommy moving his leg so much like a 10 year old boy with an attention span the size of a pin kept distracting you. And though he couldn’t see your face, he could sense the blood rising to your cheeks. Instinctively he lowered his head onto your shoulder, hands still firmly gripping your waist, and continued to watch you play, occasionally planting rough kisses on your neck. And occasionally causing you to let out a soft moan here and there. You could feel the heat radiating off Tommy’s face and he could feel you directly on his crotch, and both of you were trying so hard to act cool and failing.

Once you had finished the song you looked over at Tommy and made eye contact with him. You opened your mouth to ask him how you did only to be swept up into a passionate kiss. Without breaking it you completely turned around to face your boyfriend and put your arms around his neck. 

Tommy wished the kiss could go on for hours, but if Tears For Fears thought us anything, it was nothing ever lasts forever. And that was because for the last 5 minutes or so, the rest of the band had been watching you and Tommy through the window.

Tommy opened his eyes fully and gently lifted you off his lap and walked up to the window. He banged on it a couple times with his fist, nearly breaking it in the process. The boys came in and Nikki and Vince were visibly struggling to hide their laughter. Mick merely snickered at you both. 

Tommy and you looked at each other and then then back at the boys in utter embarrassment. You pulled up the collar of your shirt to hide the very visible bruises on your neck that Tommy had given you, but they had all seen them so there wasn’t really a point.

Vince finally spoke up. “Here’s ya beer T-bone” He said tossing the bottle over to Tommy, still giggling. 

“Man cmon it was band time not get it on with your girlfriend time!” Nikki added. Blush spread across your cheeks and you decided to run up to room to hide, Tommy hurrying after you. 

“Psh, so weak” Mick scoffed.

Tommy entered your room and leaned on the doorframe waiting for you to unbury your face from your pillow. When that didn’t work he sat on the edge of your bed and put his hand on your leg which made you turn around rapidly.

“Sorry about all that babe, I was really starting to enjoy that drum lesson.” He said with a smirk

“Mhm you should teach me more often Tommy, but for now let’s just finish what we started.” 

[sh4tt3rg1rl]

yeah

*spins away on spinny chair*

…

*spins back in*

But that really does beg the question, doesn’t it-

(And now for a peek into how Elsie rants happen in my head)

Which one is which? Sun could work as Luna, being the less rules-bound of the two, the less satisfied with her role. But it’s in a much different context, isn’t it? Luna wanted people to notice her, so does sun.

Does Dusk work as celestia, then? Possibly, specifically the “beloved by all” part that Luna wanted so much. And I could see her singing “lullaby for a princess” easily, should she ever have to seal Sun away for some reason.

But then, the reverse makes more aesthetic sense, right?

Sun as a role-burdened and years-weary celestia, Dusk as a luna dissatisfied with her place. Why would sun seal “Luna” away? Because of the Dawn incident, or the abstraction, or just out of…general concern and feeling like her sister doesn’t deserve the recent horrors. Trying to give her rest for a while while sun figures out the whole goddess thing alone. Or maybe she just wants to be the goddess, to try and earn that love without someone in her way. But it makes most sense to me for it to be a combination of those things.

The only reasons I can think of for Dusk sealing Sun away would be rather

to protect her

to protect people FROM her

I can definitely see it being a combination of the two

...and now I want to draw pony dusk and sun

[vigilantdesert]

Potentially spicy fandom rant incoming

I'm answering an ask to avoid actual things I should be doing (mostly unrelated but it is what sparked it) and I think I should reiterate that there have been ten thousand years since the first calamity as of AoC. If you decide to include previous games, which I do, there has been even longer between BoTW and Ocarina of Time (I believe about 12000 years but that's pure headcanon/speculation). Regardless, that is an unfathomable, absurd amount of time between points in human history. Even when you consider that Hylians seem to have a longer lifespan, that is, at minimum, 200 generations of people. Gerudo live shorter lives, so it's probably closer to 400 for them. I know expecting any degree of cultural accuracy from the spinny sword game is silly, but what I'm saying is thus: it's completely reasonable that religions have changed, yes even if they're absolutely true and demonstrably real. Ten thousand years ago in our modern understanding of the world, we were still in a pre-pottery neolithic age! Agriculture was still catching on in much of the world! The pyramids of Giza would not be built for another five to six thousand years!

I can understand being irked that the Gerudo have Hylia present in their day-to-day lives, but I'll point this out: They have one of the few undecorated Goddess statues in the game. Only one person is ever seen near her, someone who spent most of her life in Hyrule and enjoys reminiscing next to it. The Gerudo economy that we see is enormously influenced by trading, and thus it would behoove them to be tolerant of other cultures. We see other Gerudo have shrines to ancestors and other dieities in their houses - most notably in the palace, but also in the inn and the jewellery shop. The Gerudo, by and large, do not hold Hylia in any particular regard aside from "powerful entity we have to endure on occasion," which is how they approach most deities.

I can understand if you grew up on Ocarina being disappointed that they do not hold the deity represented by the desert colossus in high regard anymore, but I really, truly do not think that means that they have been colonized. Countries wax and wane in terms of being allies and enemies, even next-door neighbors with long histories of animosity. For 800 years of their existence England and France were at each others' throats, and yet here we are.

As always, everyone is entitled to their own headcanons, but this one just. Enghhhhh Sorry I had to get it off my chest. Thanks everyone for listening to Marie's random nano rant lksjdf

[crazy56u]

And so Kevin has ruined dinner. 👏

Ben is having a breakout right now, smooth one, Kevin.

“Ben, what the fuck, you’ve been here for like two hours!”

Ben is playing with fire right now by hugging another man’s wife.

MORAL OF THE STORY: The Slow Path is real and horrible and makes time travel love stories a bitch and a half to deal with.

“Don’t tell me there are more Nazis in New Jersey…” I was about to make a Blues Brothers joke, but then I remembered that was Chicago.

Addison, I swear to God, to quote Radiohead, you do it to yourself, and that’s what really hurts.

Meanwhile, Kevin and Josh have been screaming this whole time.

Kevin is about to blind someone, I swear to fucking God.

Hannah has her priorities in check, clearly…

Hannah has invented the Spinny Thing.

“Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time?” Ben is about to discover polyamory.

“You have a child, your heart expands, it then explodes, it’s a real bad thing.”

Oh fuck, Hannah’s family has been sitting on a gold mine of teddy bear smugglers.

“Why take loose diamonds?” Why ask stupid questions?

Oh goody, Ben just caused the ending of Red Dead Redemption.

Okay, Kevin, crash course time: Ghosts are real, Hannah knows more than you, and you’re all about to experience Red Dead Redemption.

…or this turns into Home Alone, that works too.

“Look, honey, you don’t want to know how I really know Nick, just go hide upstairs while we do Home Alone.”

Okay, now this is turning into the laundromat scene from Breaking Bad, Quantum Leap is a versatile show.

At least Kevin is aware of how much of an idiot he is.

Calling it: Kevin is going to intentionally get himself shocked in order to help take out the others.

Kevin, you need to work on your tight five the next time you want to rant about encyclopedias.

I am surprised she didn’t just shoot him then and there.

“At least the Accelerator has a sense of humor.”

Ben, if the next Hannah leap involves the two of you in a house fire, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Selling weapons to dictators =/= stuffing blood diamonds into teddy bears.

DANGER, DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE! WHEN WE TOUCH! WHEN WE KISS!

Welcome to the Royal Rumble!

And Red Ryder saves the fucking day!

Kevin, Ben’s patience is running thin, and the episode is almost over, quit while you’re ahead.

“Awkward sibling hug. …pat pat.”

“Thank you for everything; you may have flooded my basement and endangered my family, but you saved my brother, and my wife likes you, so it all hashes even.”

“I could use a happy ending about now.” Annnd mentally setting an egg timer right now…

“…Josh does in 18 months.” Annnd there’s the egg timer.

“I have to tell Hannah about Josh’s aneurysm- GODDAMNIT, FUCK YOU LEAP EFFECT!”

Meanwhile back in 2026, we get more relationship bullshit…

Ben is just batting a fucking thousand today.

[So yeah, Ben can’t save Hannah’s husband, and Addison is now moving on to Tom full stop; fuck it, give him a treasure hunt in 1953 to chew on.]

Okay, this episode was a fucking beauty, and if NBC doesn’t renew the show, honestly, fuck them.

Season 3 needs to happen.

[quotidian-oblivion]

For the ask game, 19, 20, and 22?

whumper-dumps ask game

19. Opinion on all hurt no comfort?

20. Opinion on little hurt all comfort?

22. Most controversial whump opinion?

I've answered 19 here so I'll do the other two. Thanks so much for the ask, Tris! Appreciate it ^^

~

20. Opinion on little hurt all comfort?

Hmm... I'd say it depends. If the little hurt includes something like referring to a major traumatic event like an abusive episode or a torture event or soft things like sickfics, then yes. Y. E. S. I'm all for it. Gimme the feels and the comfort to go along with it. But if it's something like Character A got a bullet graze or had a little wittle panic moment, then... meh. Mid.

I want strong emotions. I read fanfiction for strong emotions. My brains needs to be constantly stimulated by strong emotions in order for me to live through another day without wanting to tear someone to shreds just because they chew a little too loudly. (Side note: I read somewhere that it's because of trauma that your brain is constantly stimulated and stuff, so... yeah idk what to say about that).

But when there's that underline of angst? *Claps hands and tears up, swiveling in my spinny chair* I love it.

If it's done right, then I like it even more than hurt no comfort.

22. Most controversial whump opinion?

I love talking about controversial topics.

To myself.

Or to someone who I know will agree with me.

It's not because I'm prejudiced, it's because I can't handle confrontations. But! I'm going to... try and share something because I did not think there would be controversy amongst the whump community, but I'm not surprised that there is.

Okay, after doing some research... I'm still at a blank.

Though I did come across some interesting notions between whump lovers and non whump lovers.

Some people think it's sick to torture a character with stuff like abuse and rape and everything. (Which just makes me question: It's okay if the torture seems unrealistic like an alien beam blast, but not what humans do every day like hit their kids? But anywayyyy.) Uh, well, there are a lot of reasons people do that. One article which I read on whump (can't believe there are actual articles about this, it's just so normal to me), said that a Tumblr blog said that whump is born out of love for the characters. You can do your own research on that one, cuz it'll take too long to explain.

For me, that's actually true. I love reading hurt tim drake fics because... well, im not completely sure. It's not because I get endorphins while seeing him in pain (except when I'm writing 🤭), it's also that I... like seeing him push through and react to the whump. I like how different authors have different ideas of how he would behave in not-so-ideal situations. I like how there are different ideas on which situations he would find himself in.

But most of all, I like seeing him in situations where he can get out. Where he can escape that situation. Where I cannot. The same goes with writing, I like imagining up whump situations because I can imagine that character also making it out.

There are so many reasons. Some of which are I like seeing Tim get the love and care after the whump sometimes because he deserves it, I like seeing Tim react to his situation with bravery because he's someone who is brave, I like seeing Tim be helpless in situations then have someone help him. It all resonates within me and I like it.

As for situations where I haven't been in, I like seeing him in those situations because I love his character. I love the way he reacts to environments because all the comics and other media are literally about him reacting to situations. Fanfiction is the same thing, except they're different situations with different people who have different ideas.

There's so much difference in the world, and I love seeing it.

The different which I don't like or don't agree with, I click out. It's as simple as that. I click out and either rant about it to myself while pacing my bedroom or write a counter fic and use moments which I didn't like in that fic and recreate it to what I like. But I'm not rude to the author of that idea, because... people are different! Ideas are different! Difference exists!

So, I think on the topic where people think some whump in general is bad and sadistic and gruesome, I think they're different too. They have their reasons, we have ours. Difference exists. And I've grown to live with it. So should you.

~

That was long, I was expecting some length, but not... this much. I love ranting. I don't get to rant much without being criticized, so this was great because I've never ranted about whump before except to myself. Thank you so much for the ask, Tristi! Enjoy discerning this mess! /lh

[spinnysocks]

i think i'm realising my gender is definitely fluid, but in like. an obscure xenogender kinda way. i don't even really know, the only way i can understand it is when i really love certain pronouns & terms and really despise others, even if they're usually my preferred. it shifts. does this make sense. does anyone else feel like this

funny thing is, it's like i've always known. when i first started experimenting with gender labels, genderfluid was one of the first i identified with. cue about 3 years of strictly prohibiting any fem terms after i realised i literally never wanted she/her used for me lmao. i was quick to realise genderfluid didn't really describe my experience, at least not in the same way genderfluid people i saw around me were describing their experience.

the discovery of genderqueer and especially xenogenders really helped to describe me. not all at the same time necessarily, but collectively they're all me, even if not all constant. i don't think i could pin down a specific gender at any point. as i said, the easiest way i can understand it is through pronouns and such!

gender's been such a struggle, and i'm sure i have even more to discover in my own personal journey, but i feel proud. it's like i've returned to my original "coming out" if i could describe it that way. i'm a very different person now to who i was when i first experimented, but i'm proud of the person i was as the person i am now. i was never wrong about my gender really, i just have found so many wonderful ways to describe it better than back then. i'm really really proud :)

more of a personal post i wouldn't usually make but. this is big for me. gender is weird and wack but cool and great

also if anyone knows any genderfluid/-fluid identities that could describe this experience could you please let me know!! even if they don't fit i love learning. feel free to tag me or link me smth or even thru anon asks :)

[f4ding4way]

WOW TW: SH I GUESS BUT NOT REALLY?

This stupid fucking girl at our school keeps taking the fucking scissors and mock slitting her wrists, she writes 'I hate myself' and some other bullshit in her stupid fucking notebook over and fucking over.

I know it sounds like I'm being an asshole, but she ONLY does it when her friend is around, she isn't even properly cutting skin, she's just fucking pretending to so her friend cares

I couldn't breathe when she did it at first, fuck her fuck everything, everything was going all fucking spinny. I hate her.

I felt bad at first, she's going through the same stuff I went through, BUT WITH ALL THE EXTRA ATTENTION I NEVER HAD AND NEVER WILL GET.

SHE CRIES AT EVERYTHING, SURE MAYBE SHE'S SENSITIVE OR WHATEVER, BUT WHEN I CRY NO ONE CARES, BECAUSE I HIDE IT. I HIDE IT AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCKING SHIT. NO ONE WILL EVER WANT ME AND I WANT THAT FUCKING ATTENTION, I WANT IT SO FUCKING BAD.

Its so obvious she's only doing it for attention, she was fine alone, she was laughing while trying to cut herself, giggling and all that bullshit while her poor friend kept telling her to stop, ALL IN FRONT OF ME.

She wasn't even crying. She was laughing. I used to sit by myself cutting and cutting, blood blood blood, everyone BLAMED ME. My mom said it was all my fault I was sick and twisted that I liked the pain, 'psychopath', 'manipulative', 'demon child'?? 'you aren't my child you're a monster', 'are you in some satanic group?' I didn't fucking like the pain.

She just laughed, only grabbing the scissors when her friend was around, with her stupid fucking smile. She gets the attention from teachers I will never have, she doesn't do it in front of them, but she has aNxIeTY so they feel bad for her. I shut up about it, I cry when I'm alone at lunch and wish the teachers would take me home instead of the monster hiding in my mom.

I just want my real mom back. Please please I just want the attention I want it I'm so jealous I need a hug but the only hugs I get are while I'm rocking back and forth on my bedroom floor hugging myself. No one will ever hug me. I need attention. I need it please please please.

Wow. Long rant. I hate her.

[figmentrinzler]

Looking at my pictures is making me wanna ramble, so put up with me for a second here, okay? (and before I get into it, this video has Mike Brown spinnies at 2:52 which is my favorite thing to film :D)

Can I talk about how Somewhere In The Between is my favorite song of all time? Like, I know there are better songs out there, and I get hyperfixated on things here and there, but it all comes back to this song. And this band. God I fucking love them. But I ranted on their importance before....

This song means so much.

This is the song that graces the back of my homemade Streetlight flannel.

This is the song whose instrumental solos I sing along to at the top of my lungs.

And the lyrics of this song are carved into the back of my brain, even when I'm lost in there. Like an anchor. Like my guiding... streetlight for lack of a better word.

So you were born, and that was a good day.

Someday you'll die, and that is a shame.

But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream

And nothing and no one will ever take that away.

[basilpaste]

have some more stuff about the amazing spider-fail, my guy ever spinny, because. character creation or whatever!

he HATES his costume. he hates it so much it isnt even funny. robin is- hes a fashion student, okay? he looks at his costume and thinks its the tackiest thing in the world. the theming is chaotic, the details make no sense, and he looks like some bastardized version of bugs bunny.

its also the only costume that worked. because he tried, alright? he tried very hard to make it look badass or cool or cohesive. however: he saw the spider that bit him! he knows what that thing is! its really obvious when you look at his head! its black and yellow! he tried to just work with black and yellow but he just ended up looking like a bee! he tried to commit to the rabbit thing, but he was obviously a spider so it made no sense!

his suit was never meant to look like that, really. it was several ideas thrown together last minute because he just needed to have his body covered and to get out and go help people, dang it! unfortunately for him, that was the first time anyone ever really caught sight of "spider-bun"! and people took photos! and boom: suddenly his iconic look was his aesthetic nightmare! hey, at least no one with good sense would think a fashion student was behind the mask!

his 'great power great responsibility' moment is? a little convoluted. his uncle isnt dead, technically, but he is in a coma, yknow? so... robin visits sometimes. as you do. and just kind of... talks. and after all the spider stuff, a nurse catches him mid-rant and gives him it. kind of like as theyre doing their job just goes "it seems like youre putting a lot of pressure on yourself. i dont know your life, but i know how often you come here. people with power over others have two options: to abuse it, or use it. thats my job. maybe its yours too."

[astramthetaprime]

A is for Anxiety

Until recently, I spent roughly 25 years on various forms of anti-depressant or lately anti-anxiety medications.  

A problem inherent in being biologically female and Autistic is that one is almost never diagnosed correctly until much later in life.  Briefly, this is due to the vast majority of Autism research having been conducted only with data gathered from males, primarily young boys.  This led (incorrectly) to the conclusion that Only Boys Can Have Autism.  This has also led (infuriatingly) to girls with Autism being misdiagnosed sometimes multiple times over the course of their lives with depression, anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc.  Unless a little girl was overwhelmingly obviously autistic, they were never diagnosed as such.  Because Only Boys Can Have Autism.  Only recently have women begun to be recognized as Autistic.  I am part of that cohort.  

Anxiety is most definitely part of Autism, or rather a product of it.  I wouldn’t say a symptom, truly more of a product.  Try going through your life constantly befuddled by the world around you and tell me you don’t have anxiety.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Anyway.  So yeah, I was on anti-anxiety meds.  Until my doctor neglected to renew the prescription.  Despite 2 calls to the doctor by my pharmacist.  So suddenly I’m going cold turkey from a med I’ve been on for the last 10 years.  

But I’m no stranger to such situations, unfortunately.  In my 20s I got dumped from my state’s TennCare program without warning while I was on 80mg Paxil.  The highest single-pill dosage they make.  I had half a month’s worth left.  I started cutting them in half immediately to try to ramp down as much as I could, but after they were gone it was cold turkey.  If you’ve never been on anti-depressants, they tell you they’re not addictive.  The hell they aren’t.  They’re physically addictive.  I spent about 6 weeks with my head spinning like a top.  It got so bad that I couldn’t sit in a chair without arms because I would literally lose my balance and fall out of the chair.  But then I found the best thing -- Dramamine will stop the spinny head.  Not kidding.  Good old fashioned Dramamine.  Holy crap suddenly I could make it through work without vomiting in the parking lot.  So I stocked up on that and soldiered on.  After I put myself on St. John’s Wort -- highly recommended, at least by me -- and was all right with the world for nigh on 20 years or so, until I got on the anti-anxiety meds.  The two are not good together.  Don’t do it.  SSRIs and MAOIs do not mix, kids.  DON’T DO IT.

Anyway, again.  I’m trying to get to the point here.  So yeah, the withdrawal from the much lower dosage of anti-anxiety meds went comparatively smoothly, and I’ve been off completely for several weeks now.  I want to know what kind of baseline I’m working with nowadays.  I’ve been on meds for so long that I honestly don’t know who I am underneath it.  So I’m ... okay with it.  Being off the drugs.  I want -- I need -- to know how Autistic I am underneath it all.  Who is the unvarnished, unadulterated Aunty Proton?  I can’t know what I need to look out for with drug-biased data.  

Pursuant to this, I’ve begun keeping an Anxiety List.  When I get to bugging, I fire up my Google Keep app and write that sucker down.  How is this useful?  A common pitfall of Autism is meltdowns, where a person becomes overwhelmed by stresses or environmental conditions to the point that they just snap.  It may be due to sensory sensitivities, it may be due to an overwhelming load of demands, it may be due to social conditions -- everybody is different in their triggers.  It’s usually a situation of things building up until a final trigger just is too much.  So by keeping track of things that I sense are stressing me out, I hope to determine what kind of things in general could set me off.  I’m trying to adult here.  To be my own therapist.  Because I ain’t got the money to afford all my bills right now much less therapy.  

That’s a rant for another time though.  HOWEVER.  Thanks to a wonderful resource there is some hope in that regard.  If you’re Autistic and can handle working for a living but have trouble finding a job that you can do, well, I’m going to try Mentra at mentra.me.  The wonderful resource that made me aware of Mentra is known as neurodivergent_insights on Instagram.  Dr. Megan Neff.  SHE’S THE BEST PERSON EVER.  Please give her a follow if you haven’t, she’s honestly taught me so much about this crazy called Autism and made me suspect I may also be ADHD.  

So hoping Mentra can help me.  I haven’t signed up yet, planning on that starting today after I’m done with this post.  I will let you all know.  

Take care of yourselves, people, because once you hit 18 no one is going to take care of you but yourself.  Word.