#stage IV pressure injury

[citronaut69]

Work shit in the tags cause it's A Lot

[tswiftcore]

Taylor & Travis: Simplified (1/2)

July 8, 2023:

Travis attends the Eras Tour in Kansas from a private box and trades friendship bracelets with fans (where he tries to meet Taylor after the show to give her a personalised friendship bracelet with his number on it, but fails).

July 26, 2023:

Travis reveals his failed friendship bracelet plan on his podcast New Heights, explaining, "I was disappointed that she doesn't talk before or after her shows because she has to save her voice for the 44 songs that she sings... " And, "If you're up on Taylor Swift concerts, there are friendship bracelet, and I received a bunch of them being there, but I wanted to give Taylor Swift one with my number on it.

September 16 - 17, 2023:

ESPN teasingly saturates Travis' report with Taylor Swift references, including, "Travis Kelce, at this point in time, is trying to Shake It Off and get back out there. He knows how much he's needed and that he's The Man. It was a little bit of a Cruel Summer for Travis Kelce with that knee injury but he can see the Daylight. He looks like he's Ready For It."

A day later, the jokes continue flooding in in the form of NFL commentary.

September 19 - 21, 2023:

Travis mentions some of his dating dealbreakers on an episode of Kristin Cavallari's podcast (high maintenance, must be humble and grounded, ideally kind-hearted and sweet like his mother, Donna), explaining, "You gotta have some sort of sweetness to you."

Then, Travis' brother, Jason, jokes about dating rumours on DeCamara & Ritchie, commenting, "I think they're doing great and I think it's all 100% true, and I hope this thing goes a mile - no, I'm joking, I don't know what's happening."

Finally, on an interview on the Pat McAfee Show, Travis explains that he threw the ball in Taylor's court by inviting her to see him play at Arrowhead Stadium. He told her, "Ive seen you rock the stage at Arrowhead. You might have to come see me rock the stage at Arrowhead and see which one's a little more lit."

September 24, 2023:

Taylor attends the Kansas City Chiefs game, observing from Travis' suite beside his mother Donna Kelce and wearing Kansas City Chiefs merch. After the game, Taylor and Travis were photographed leaving together in Travis' convertible, literally driving off into the sunset.

September 25, 2023:

A source explains, "They're having fun. This was Taylor's first time meeting his mom and dad, and everyone was enjoying themselves. She was super chill and low-key hanging out with his friends and family." The source also added that after the game, Travis rented out a restaurant for an intimate gathering with those same friends and family, with Taylor in attendance. "They were cute and normal, just hanging out and chatting. There's no pressure."

Taylor is pictured with her arm around Travis, reportedly wearing a denim dress.

September 27, 2023:

Travis addresses Taylor in his New Heights episode, commenting, "I'm enjoying life and I sure as hell enjoyed this weekend. Shout out to Taylor for pulling up. That was pretty ballsy. I just thought it was awesome how everybody in the suite had nothing but great things to say about her - the friends and family. She looked amazing and everybody was talking about her in great light."

October 1, 2023:

Taylor brings her friends along to MetLife Stadium for another of Travis' games - in attendance were Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, Sabrina Carptenter, Sophie Turner and Antoni Porowski.

October 2, 2023:

A source reveals that Travis and Taylor are "still just getting to know each other. It's nothing too serious - he is a charming guy. It's more of a hanging out situation than dating."

October 6, 2023:

Donna, Travis' mum, explains on the Got It From My Momma podcast that, "I feel like I'm in an alternate universe, because it's something i've never been involved with before. Every week just seems to trump the week before. So it's really kind of wild, a wild ride."

Further, Travis addresses his romance with Taylor during a team media availability, explaining, "It feels like I was on top of the world after the Super Bowl and right now I'm even more on top of the world." And in terms of paparazzi buzz, "You've got a lot of people that care about Taylor, and for good reason."

October 12, 2023:

Taylor attends a Kansas City Chiefs game alongside Brittany Mahomes and Travis' parents.

October 14, 2023:

Taylor and Travis hold hands on the way to making a surprise SNL appearance in NYC, including an SNL afterparty at Catch Steak. A source explained that they were super affectionate the whole night, giving each other kisses.

October 15, 2023:

Taylor and Travis hold hands around NYC after dinner at the Waverly Inn

October 22, 2023:

Taylor attends a Kansas City Chiefs game, following the pregame party, wearing a bracelet with Kelce's number (87). A photo is taken where Taylor openly kisses Travis on the cheek. Swift does a secret handshake with Brittany Mahomes. Taylor and Travis hold hands as they leave the game together. Later in the night, the two are photographed having dinner at an Argentine steakhouse called 'Piropos' in Missouri.

[imdockunal]

PERIPHERAL VASCULAR DISEASE- PVD Treatment in Mumbai

Dr. Kunal Arora is a seasoned Vascular and Interventional Radiologist based in Mumbai at the Endovascular Care Center. With a wealth of experience exceeding 5 years, he excels in non-surgical, minimally invasive treatments for a range of conditions. Dr. Arora's focus areas encompass varicose veins, DVT, peripheral arterial disease, embolization, oncologic intervention, hepatobiliary interventions, and dialysis AV fistula salvage. Peripheral Vascular Disease (PVD) is a condition characterized by circulation issues in blood vessels outside the heart, predominantly affecting the legs and feet. Here is a concise and informative blog on PVD treatment in Mumbai:

Understanding Peripheral Vascular Disease

Peripheral Vascular Disease (PVD) involves the narrowing, blockage, or spasms in blood vessels, impacting blood flow to organs. Commonly affecting arteries due to atherosclerosis, PVD can lead to symptoms like leg pain during exercise and non-healing wounds.

Causes and Symptoms

Causes of PVD include plaque buildup, inflammation, injuries, and radiation exposure. Symptoms range from leg pain to ulcers, numbness, and skin changes. Risk factors include smoking, diabetes, high blood pressure, and family history of heart disease.

Diagnosis and Stages

Diagnosis involves medical history, physical exams, and tests like ABI, Doppler ultrasound, MRA, CTA, and angiography. Stages range from asymptomatic to ulcers or gangrene based on severity.

Peripheral Vascular Disease (PVD) progresses through different stages, each indicating the severity of the condition and guiding treatment decisions. Here is a detailed overview of the stages of Peripheral Vascular Disease:

Stage I: Asymptomatic -At this stage, individuals with PVD may not exhibit any noticeable symptoms.

Stage IIa: Mild Claudication -Patients experience mild leg pain during exercise, known as intermittent claudication.

Stage IIb: Moderate to Severe Claudication -Progressing from mild claudication, individuals may experience more pronounced leg pain during physical activity.

Stage III: Ischemic Rest Pain -At this stage, patients may experience pain in their legs even at rest.

Stage IV: Ulcers or Gangrene -The most severe stage of PVD is characterized by the development of ulcers or gangrene.

Understanding these stages is essential for healthcare providers to tailor treatment plans effectively based on the severity of the disease. Early detection and appropriate management can significantly improve outcomes for individuals with Peripheral Vascular Disease.

Treatment Options

Treatment aims to manage symptoms and improve artery health. Lifestyle changes like quitting smoking and medication for blood thinning are common. In severe cases, revascularization through endovascular or surgical procedures may be necessary.

Endovascular Treatments

Interventional radiologists perform minimally invasive procedures like angioplasty, stenting, atherectomy, and thrombolysis to restore blood flow in blocked arteries. These procedures offer benefits such as quicker recovery times and lower risk of complications compared to traditional surgery.

Prevention Strategies

Preventing PVD involves lifestyle changes like quitting smoking, regular exercise, healthy diet, managing blood pressure and cholesterol levels, controlling diabetes, maintaining a healthy weight, limiting alcohol intake, taking prescribed medications, and attending regular check-ups for early detection.

By understanding the causes, symptoms, diagnosis methods, treatment options, and prevention strategies for PVD in Mumbai, individuals can take proactive steps towards managing this condition effectively.

For those seeking consultation or wishing to schedule an appointment with Dr. Kunal Arora, the process is simple. Patients can reach out to his private clinic located in SRV Hospital, Goregaon, Mumbai. Additionally, appointments can be scheduled by contacting +91 90040 93090, ensuring accessibility for individuals in need of his expertise.

Click here to know more.

[falcorskeeper-blog]

Check out this listing I just added to my Poshmark closet: Ehob foot WAFFLE custom heel elevator one size inflatable reusable pressure-free.

[cirujanoplasticocirupla]

Stage IV Pressure Injury Wound Healing With Autologous PRP

http://dlvr.it/SlwmDW

[theuniversein-you]

you as the 8th nct dream member

✧ ˚ nct dream react to: you falling off the stage

✧ ˚ genre: oneshot, idol!au, amab!reader, angst, fluff

✧ ˚ warning: injury

✧ ˚ disclaimer: THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. the characters do not reflect the personality of the actual artists themselves, and should be treated as separate beings.

✧ ˚ author notes: rushed bc i have personal things, and ive been thinking of posting drabbles as often as possible. very sorry if i wasn’t able to update as frequent as i could :(

✧ ˚ word count: 1.4k words

You didn’t know what transpired before the incident. You’ve been so focused on the performance that you didn’t notice how near you were at the end of the stage, and worst of all, you were at the back so it’s not like your members would notice immediately.

The moment you crashed to the ground was when the staff rushed after you. The pain that came from crashing from your side made you cry in pain. You were being escorted off the ground, being careful not to put pressure to the pain. You gripped your arm, gritting your teeth as the sharp feeling of knives ran through the arm.

But it wasn’t the pain that caused your eyes to tear up, but the guilt that’s creeping up inside you. One of the worst feelings that an idol could feel is being responsible for a performance being disrupted, and you hated that feeling. You felt bad to your members who continued to perform as you were whisked away to the back, to be tended by the medics.

At the backstage, your legs wouldn’t stop fidgeting, and your hands started to sweat. You await anxiously for your members, and preparing yourself to be scolded by one of the managers for what happened.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

ミ★  Mark. Unaware of the incident, Mark was confused when you were missing from the stage. He tried asking the members discreetly about your whereabouts, but it wasn’t until Chenle approached him, terrified. He was about to ask the younger what was wrong until he told him what happened to you. Mark wanted to run backstage to see you, but he knows he has to stay and thank the fans first, even with his legs feeling like jelly after hearing the incident. As a leader, he needs to make sure that no member is unsafe, and it’s agonizing for him that he couldn’t do anything to prevent it from happening. Backstage, Mark finds you huddled at a chair, a cast wrapped on your arm. He doesn’t know if he’s going to crowd you any further, since both Jaemin and Renjun already rushed to you faster than anything. He stayed next to you, though, making sure to comfort you when you felt as if you ruined everything. “No, (Y/N), I’m just glad that you’re safe now.” Mark would reassure you that you didn’t ruin everything and tells you that what’s important is your well-being. And maybe, talk to the managers and staff to make sure this never happens again.

ミ★ Renjun. He didn’t hesitate to be the first one to fuss over you. Renjun is most sensitive when it comes to your feelings, and he would almost cry seeing the cast around your arm. He made it easier for you to open up to him about how angry and stupid you feel, the guilt that you were feeling when you let them down, and how scared you were at the thought of disappointing your fans for your mistake. He would listen to you, but he isn’t going to let you feel that way. Renjun was relieved that you were able to open up to him about your feelings, but it still pains him that he couldn’t do anything to easen your mind about what happened. It would mark a horrible experience in your life. But with the immense support you have with your members, you would find yourself to be okay in the future. Renjun would make sure of it. Side note: Haechan would make a comment about how Renjun is your local therapist, but he wouldn’t say that with the latter in the room with him.

ミ★ Jeno.  Panic and immense worry is the only thing in his mind when Chenle broke the news about your well-being. Jeno couldn't imagine how you devasted you would be, and he hopes that the injury isn't threatening enough to cost you your career. When he asked you about your condition, you told him that your broke your arm from the fall, but the medics told you that it's not bad enough that'll put you into a long hiatus. He felt himself ease in relief, but is still worried about you. “You should rest, let us handle the rest.” Jeno thinks that you are going to have to rely on them, and that’s okay. He’s not going to let any of his team suffer, whether it is mentally or physically. You would need a lot of convincing though, but eventually you will have to, since you have every members’ support for your recovery no matter what.

ミ★ Haechan. Getting injured is one of the worst feelings an idol could ever imagine. Haechan knows that pretty well, since he's seen his hyungs who had to go on a hiatus because of their health. He cares about your health, but he also doesn't want you to go to a hiatus for an indefinite period of time. You expressed to him before that you hated it if you're going to miss out on any activities Dream has, so you've made sure to keep yourself healthy at all times. So to see you feel so frustrated, angry at your mistake, he felt the need to cheer you up. "It's okay, (Y/N), you're going to be up in no time. You're damn strong to let anything injure you badly." whether you think he was joking or not doesn't matter, because he knows it to himself that he's right, and even slightly, you're able to crack a smile after that.

ミ★ Jaemin. He was the one that didn’t hesitate to run backstage as fast as he could to find you. Just like Renjun, he would fuss over you the moment he sees you. He would almost scold you, but after seeing your dejected expresion, he held his tongue. It was not the best time to make your mood any worst when you’re already beating yourself up for injuring yourself. He would become your helper if you needed something, since your other arm is out of commission for a while. Out of all the members, he can truly relate because of his injury at the past, so he understands how you would be worried about what’s going to come next. But he doesn’t mind taking care of you, if it meant for you speedy recovery and having you back in performances again.

ミ★ Chenle.  He was next to you at the back when you fell. Chenle could’ve sworn that you were just next to him, until you were not. He saw your misstep that leads you into falling, which caused him to stop dancing, not knowing what to do. Should he go to you or should he continue performing to remain professional? It wasn’t until he sees Jisung looking at him with confusion that he had to remain professional despite what he witnessed. He has a frazzled expression during the performance, praying for it to be over. When the performance finished, he was the one that told the group what happened. The moment the group returned backstage and reunited with your injured form, he kept his distance from you to not crowd you. Although, another reason is that he was guilty that he couldn’t do anything to help you especially since he saw the incident in the first place. You and his hyungs reassured him for being professional despite being terrified for you. "It was my stupidness that led me to this," you would sheepishly say, but Chenle is going to argue with you if that comes out of your mouth. But at least the both of you are able to be at ease since he knows that you are now okay.

ミ★ Jisung. He was confused when you were missing at the performance and how frazzled Chenle is, who is looking back and forth at the back of the stage and the audience. He would go to his best friend, only for him to shut down any kind of thought when he was told about your unfortunate incident and your unknown condition as of the moment. He could only feel his arm being pulled backstage. Jisung was brought back to the time when he injured his knee and how he couldn’t participate in shows and performances, and he doesn’t want to imagine you being missing, too. While he wouldn’t fuss over you as much as Renjun and Jaemin will, he would keep out a look out for you, although subtlely. He doesn’t want you to tease him when he takes care of you. 

[streetlight11]

Dystopia pt 8 (FINALE)

Summary: You were an Amity born. You were taught to value kindness and harmony. But you also valued bravery and knowledge. After the test to see which faction best suited you, you were given the choice to either stay in your faction or leave. When you chose to leave your faction for another, your whole life changed and you wondered if it was the right decision. You pondered over it at first, all until you met him.

Theme: Divergent au, strangers to lovers

Genre: mild action [I tried], angst, fluff, slowburn

Warnings: mentions of blood and violence

WC: 3.6k

Pairing: Trainer!Jungkook x Initiate!FemReader

Tips: In this whole series, Y/N is a few years younger than JK. Those who were initiates like Y/N that just ended the Choosing Ceremony, are all the same age. None of these characters portray who the mentioned people are in real life whatsoever! It's just a fictional character!

a/n: Hello! Guess what? You made it to the end! I know this is a short series but I'm more than thankful if you have made it this far. Although it's quite short for a finale, I hope I didn't disappoint you too much! But anyways, here's the final part for this series :) Enjoyyy

~~~

With hurried steps, all three of them quickly hollered their way through the facility in hopes that they would reach the dorms in time. Jungkook’s heart was beating so fast against his chest, unsure if he could even calm himself down knowing something bad had happened to you. That was the last thing he wanted. From the day he saw you a few weeks back, he knew he would like you.

He knew there was something about you that leaves him being all clammy and nervous despite his amazing skill at hiding his emotions. Jungkook never knew he would manage to get close to you, thinking it was impossible considering he was a trainer and you were an initiate.

However, it looks like fate has a different plan for you and him when he saw you training by yourself in the middle of the night. That was when he first got to have a close interaction with you.

Even though it was just him teaching you basic tips on how to improve your skills for each of the different skill sets, he still got to talk to you and also earn your trust after a while. And as the days gradually went by, it was needless to say that Jungkook had grown so fond of you and even had a crush on you.

Yes, a Dauntless Trainer having a crush on a Dauntless Initiate.

How cute.

Ultimately, it all goes downhill for him as he finally arrives at the shared dormitory, only to find the rest of the initiates crowding around at one spot. The minute Jungkook and Changkyun pushed through the crowd, their hearts stopped for a millisecond upon seeing what the fuss was about.

There you were, cradled in Hyunjae’s arms as Gahyeon was crying with her hands desperately pressing what looks to be a completely blood soaked towel against your throat.

Your throat has been slit, not too deep to kill you but just enough to render you voiceless.

You were just turning around on your bed when you peeked your eyes open out of instinct, feeling as though you were being watched. Except, you weren’t expecting for it to be legit. Because the minute you opened your eyes, there was a hooded figure looming over you with a hand raised to their head level with what looks to be a knife from the Training Room.

Fuck!

Before your mind could react, your body seemed to move faster as your arms swiveled to a cross position over your face right when the person launched his attack to your head.

With the tip of its blade just barely missing your right eye socket.

You used all your energy to shove their hand away using your arms, only to kick their stomach harshly. They stumbled back a little before lunging back at you. However, you quickly rolled out of bed to your left, falling to the ground with a soft thud just as they plunged the blade into the mattress right where your chest would’ve been.

You rushed to your feet, making a break for it to the open toilet but your steps faltered when you felt a sharp stab to your calf.

“Ah! Fuck!” You loudly hissed to yourself.

The blade got pulled out of your leg harshly, only for you to flip around on the ground.

The person kneeled over you as they tried to stab you in the face again but you managed to grab their wrist with both hands. They were strong. A little too strong if you say so yourself. However, for some reason, you felt like you knew this person.

You were struggling. You were struggling hard to push their hand away. Mustering whatever strength you had left, you used all your power to push them back.

For a moment, you were glad that they nearly fell off you.

However, you weren’t mentally and physically ready for what he was about to do next. And that was for him to make one swift swing of his arm. It all happened so fast, you didn’t even realize what he did until you felt something wet trickle down your neck. You tried to curse at them but instead you were shocked when nothing came out of your mouth.

That wasn’t until one of your hands reached up for your throat and you felt it.

The open slit, the feeling of wet liquid, your nostrils filling with the strong smell of copper, and finally, bringing your fingers up to see your fingers coated in your own red crimson blood.

Your mouth hung agape as you tried to speak but there was nothing. Tears welled up in your eyes as the person got up and smirked down at you.

“Goodnight loser. I hope you rot in hell.”

They soon took off running, leaving you there helpless with no voice to scream for help, to tell people who did it. But of course, you weren’t stupid. Despite the lack of light, only an idiot couldn’t catch on easily. For there is only one person who calls you ‘Loser’ right from the start. Your doubts were confirmed the minute that nickname left their lips.

Dumb move Yeonjun.

Since you couldn’t scream for help, you slowly began to drag yourself across the room, leaving a long trail of blood behind your leg where you got stabbed only to reach the end of Gahyeon’s bed.

With one swift grasp, you managed to hold onto her shirt and that was enough to wake her.

It took her a second to realize what happened until she saw the trail of blood on the floor and your bleeding throat that you were desperately putting pressure on. She let out a shrilling scream before yelling for help from the others. Everyone began to panic at the gruesome scene, making Hyunjae cradle you while Yunho rushed out to get help.

Jungkook carried you to the hospital wing, with Gahyeon, Hyunjae, Yunho and Changkyun tagging along. One of the nurses inspected your injury, seeing that you’ve lost quite a bit of blood. She mentioned that they had to give you some blood in order to save you and they have to be the same blood type as yours. After much inspection, it was clear that only Jungkook and Hyunjae shared the same blood type as you.

Both of them offered to donate some of their blood to you to save your life. While the two were being drawn of their blood, Changkyun went ahead and brought the other two back to their dormitory to rest. You were already laying there on the medical bed unconscious which means you couldn’t feel the way Gahyeon gently gave your blood coated hands a small squeeze.

“Please be okay, Y/N.” She whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. Yunho comforted the girl before they both left with Changkyun.

A few minutes later, the nurse managed to collect as much blood as you probably needed after losing them quite a bit. She placed a bandaid over the spots where she injected the tube in their arms. After she was done, she dismissed the two boys but Jungkook asked if he could stay.

She nodded, setting up the equipment so that the blood she collected from the two gentlemen could be transferred into your body through the IV in your hand.

Hyunjae left after caressing the top of your head, wishing you a speedy recovery.

The nurse went ahead and disinfected your wounds before suturing the open cuts and wrapping them with bandages. Once she was done, she excused herself, leaving you alone with Jungkook as the male went over to scoot his chair closer to your side. Jungkook carefully reaches for your hand that didn’t have the needle attached. He brings it up to his lips, kissing your knuckles softly.

“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. I’m sorry this happened to you Y/N. You truly don’t deserve this…” Jungkook whispered as he stood up to plant a gentle kiss on your forehead.

He felt sorry. He felt sick. He felt confused. But more importantly, he felt furious at whoever did this to you. Of course he didn’t know who but you knew.

You woke up to a sharp pain in your throat, feeling it get itchy like an unusual sore throat. The prickling pain in your right calf made your leg jolt as you shot your tired eyes open. The morning sun filled the room. You carefully looked around to find you alone in the room which looks to be the hospital wing.

Memories from last night suddenly came flashing into your mind like a tsunami, and yet, you still couldn’t wrap your mind around it.

Did that really happen?

Was it all a dream?

You almost didn’t want to believe it until your hands reached up to your throat and you felt the soft material of the bandage taped onto your neck. Of course, your stubbornness was trying to make you think otherwise so you opened your mouth to speak.

Truth be told, nothing comes out of your mouth. Absolutely nothing. Not even a sound.

Your thoughts were swirling, a million things running across your head at that very moment. From the incident last night to the final evaluation test you were supposed to have today. The test was supposed to determine your final results of your initiation. It was supposed to determine whether you get to stay in Dauntless or you get kicked out and become Factionless.

Of course, there are two ways of getting that second option. First is by failing Stage 3, and second is of course by not attending the final test at all.

How wonderful.

As your mind was swirling with these complications, you completely missed the figure that was making their way to you. It wasn’t until they were a few feet from you that you looked up only to lock eyes with Jungkook.

Immediately, a whole swarm of emotions came rushing through you as you began to cry. Jungkook rushed over to you, only to hush you.

“Shh… Shh… Don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re fine. I’m here.” Jungkook cooed as he held you in his arms, feeling the way your arms wrapped around his waist tightly like you were afraid he might disappear if you let go. His heart swelled upon feeling his shirt get soaked from your tears.

Your silent cries only made his heart drop even more. Jungkook caressed the back of your head lovingly, making sure to give you small reassuring kisses to the side of your head as a way to hopefully calm you down.

You both stayed like that for a bit before he sang you a sweet song in your ear.

Jungkook felt your body relax in his touch, happy that his singing made you calmer. After a while, he pulled away slowly to look you in the eye. How is it possible that you are just sitting there crying your eyes out and yet you still looked beautiful? Or maybe it’s just him.

Who knows.

Nevertheless, he wipes your tears with his thumbs and soon smiles down at you.

“You’re so strong. You’re a strong girl Y/N. And I really admire you for that.” He whispered. You couldn’t help but crack a tiny smile when you felt him boop your nose with his own. You had so much to say to him. So much you wanted to share with him. Unfortunately, luck wasn’t on your side today. Just then, Jungkook’s smile faltered and it made you curious.

You reached for his wrist where his hand was just cupping your face softly, to catch his attention. You silently asked him what’s wrong through your worried eyes, hoping he could read your mind.

Thankfully, he did.

“The final stage… It starts in 5 minutes. I talked to the leaders about your current condition. I tried my best to change their mind, Changkyun did try too… Unfortunately, the leaders made an agreement to… disqualify you, which means… y-you…” Jungkook paused as he struggled to convey the message to you but you already knew what it meant.

You violently shook your head at him. You had to redeem yourself. You didn’t plan for this to happen. You were forced to be in this damn medical bed out of your own will. Oh if only they saw who did this to you, would they gladly throw him to the Factionless.

“Decision has been made. Since you can’t physically be there, you’re immediately disqualified.” Jungkook said as you shook your head again. There must be something about the way you were staring at him because at that very moment, it was as though you sent him a message through telepathy.

“Wait a minute… For the final test, you don’t need to talk. You… just need to be physically there for the simulation.” Jungkook said in realization as your eyes lit up.

“Does that mean… she’s immediately disqualified?” Gahyeon asked sadly, only for Hyunjae to nod.

“I mean, technically according to the rules, you are supposed to be here physically for the final test… So, I guess that’s true then…” Hyunjae said.

The rest of them who were gathered by the side of the hall where the final stage would take place, shared mostly the same emotions about you not being able to join them which would render you as Factionless by default even after all your hard work.

However, it looks like someone couldn’t care less about you not making it.

“Who cares? She doesn't belong in Dauntless anyway.” Yeonjun rolls his eyes as he walks to the front, leaning against one of the pillars. Your friends exchanged a few glances to one another, not feeling good about the way he said that. A few minutes passed, and they had just finished the test with the third person on the list. All the initiates were anxious as they waited for their turn. Soon enough, the Dauntless leader calls out the next name to be on stage.

“Y/F/N.”

With that, the room fell silent as the initiates looked at each other with deep frowns on their faces. A few beats of silences went by, not a single sign of you anywhere. Meanwhile, Yeonjun had that devilish smirk on his face as he felt satisfied with your lack of presence.

Unfortunately, just as the leader was about to call out the next person on the list, Jungkook’s voice echoed around the hall from the opposite end of where the initiates were gathered. That’s when Jungkook emerged through the double doors with you beside him.

He had one arm wrapped around your waist as you limped your way to the platform where the chair was waiting for you. Your friends cheered for your arrival as they shouted a string of goodlucks to you. Yeonjun growled, totally not expecting to find you still alive.

Maybe he didn’t cut you deep enough.

You immediately recognized the lady who was prepping the tools to put you into simulation, to be the same lady you met on your Initiation test.

After you sat down, Jungkook gave your waist a little squeeze before he smiled down at you and whispered, “Goodluck.”

He soon left your side as the lady asked you if you were ready. You gave her a small nod, letting her inject the needle into your neck right below your ear.

Once the serum had been injected into your system, it took effect right away, bringing you to your first simulation. It was the same simulations you went through during your Stage 2. They were all of your fears connecting one simulation to the other. You managed to remember what Jungkook taught you during the past few weeks and how to properly handle each situation like a fellow Dauntless.

The minute your last simulation ended, you woke up calmly only for the lady to smile.

“You did well.” She complimented you as she helped you sit up. Jungkook came to your side and very gently led you off the platform.

“Good job. Looks like my tips worked huh?” Jungkook asked, to which you smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden. He guided you to the side only for your friends to rush over to you.

“Sweetie! You’re okay! How are you?” Gahyeon asked as she hugged you, making you return her hug. You showed an ‘okay’ sign with your hand before Yunho ruffled your hair. “Of course you are, you’re a beast Y/N.” His comment made some of them laugh, including you. Just then, your eyes drifted to your left only to meet Yeonjun’s fiery eyes.

All you wanted to do was throw him in The Pit. The last thing you wanted was to see his competitive ass everyday from now on.

However, you weren’t going to kill him despite all the pain he’s caused you.

After letting you meet up with your friends, Jungkook brought you back to his penthouse to let you rest. He carefully laid you down on his bed, pulling his blanket up to your chest while you snuggled into his side with your head resting on his chest. Jungkook chuckled as he caressed your hair, tucking them behind your ear, making sure to let his fingers softly trace the side of your face as he did so.

“No matter what the results are, I’m never leaving your side. That, I can promise you.” Jungkook said softly as you tilted your head up to look at him. You wished you could speak. You wished you could verbally say this to him outloud. Unfortunately you couldn’t.

In the end, you opted for the saying ‘Actions speak louder than words’ and so, with that being said, you lifted your head up and used your left elbow to prop your body up on the mattress.

Jungkook watched you carefully as you slowly leaned in only to press your lips softly on his. Almost instantly, he wrapped one arm around your waist while the other allowed his fingers to tangle into your soft locks. You reached a hand up to cup his cheek, letting your thumb trace the scar he had on his left cheekbone. You felt him smile against your lips as he pulled away for a breath.

His eyes fluttered open to find your cute ones staring back at him. Jungkook couldn’t help but chuckle as he gently massaged your scalp in a calming manner.

“If that is your way of telling me what I think it is, then I’ll be the one to confirm verbally that I feel the same way too…” Jungkook’s voice was smooth and sultry in your ears, it almost made you melt into a puddle. Almost.

So with one more kiss from him, your heart raced in your chest as he pulled away to let his lips hover over yours before he said the words you’ve been meaning to tell him.

“I love you Y/N.”

Prologue

6 months had passed, you ended up staying in Dauntless together with Gahyeon, Hyunjae and Yunho. Right after the final stage, you gave Jungkook the weapon Yeonjun used to attack you the night before the final stage. After investigating the weapon and finding evidence that confirms Yeonjun was indeed the attacker, he was immediately thrown out of Dauntless. Rendering him Factionless.

Yes, that jerk deserved it.

Yunho was given the role of a guard due to his unfortunate ranking but hey, at least he wasn’t Factionless.

Gahyeon was a trainer for Dauntless-born initiates while you and Hyunjae were trainers for faction transfers. Although, you only started becoming one after the 3rd month when you were starting to be able to talk again.

And how was your relationship with Jungkook, might I ask?

Well, just splendid.

Your relationship with him only grew stronger each day as he took care of you during the first few months when you still had difficulties to talk. He was always there for you when you needed someone to back you up in heated arguments.

Jungkook took you to visit your parents the day after the final stage. No doubt your parents got upset over what happened to their daughter, they were more than thankful that you were still alive and that Jungkook was there to keep you sane. As the months go by, Jungkook’s feelings for you bloomed.

Today was another day of training for you and your initiates where you managed to guide the new initiates along with Hyunjae’s help.

You were just standing off to the side, letting Hyunjae take over for the knife throwing session when you suddenly felt a pair of strong arms wrapping itself around your waist. You giggled as you turned your head to find Jungkook’s face just mere inches away from yours.

“Not here, love… We’re in the middle of training.” You whispered, earning a soft chuckle from him before he peppered your cheek with kisses.

“Can’t I just give my beautiful girlfriend some loving kisses before I go to my meeting?” Jungkook teased, making you giggle.

“Aren’t you being needy?” You laughed.

“Only when I miss you…”

“We literally saw each other an hour ago, Kook.”

“I know.” Jungkook grinned cutely at you only for you to push his face away gently while you laughed.

“Hmm, needy indeed.”

“Hey…” He pouted at you. Of course your heart couldn’t bear to see his sad pout so you turned to face him completely. Reaching up with both hands to hold his face, you pressed your lips on his before pulling away to see his silly smile on his face.

“I love you.” You whispered as you felt him hug you.

“I love you more.”

That was the last thing you heard as Changkyun’s voice beckons your boyfriend over from a few feet behind Jungkook. “Come on lovebird, we gotta go… See you later Y/N.” Changkyun chuckled as he wiggled his index finger towards Jungkook. Your boyfriend gives you one last kiss before he jogs over to his older friend.

Maybe joining Dauntless wasn’t as bad as you thought after all.

~~~

Previous

a/n: Thank you for reading this series! Do check out my other fics if you're interested to read more of my writings! ❤️

Main Masterlist

Taglist: @moonchild1 @danyxthirstae01 @helenazbmrskai @jenna-posts @pimentelssmile

[willadisastercry]

The part where they pick up the pieces...

tw: discussion of blood, severe breathing difficulties, impalement, loss of conciousness, setting of a bone, needles, near death of a character

Part 2 of everyone gets whumped...

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

The ride back to the castle was less than ten dobashes, but it felt painfully longer.

Before Green’s paws even touched the hanger her ramp was already setting down to reveal Coran and Allura anxious to board.

Lance struggled to stifle the groan that the rumbling of Green’s jaws opening produced deep in his throat, setting alight a new fire in his shoulder when the jolt of it sent him forward, the metal still deep in his thigh shifting and letting a new spurt of blood well up and add to the small puddle forming underneath him.

Hunk clamped his hands over his ears and took several shakey breaths before he was certain he had pushed most of the bile that had risen up back down, shifting uncomfrotably to cover his eyes in the crook of his arm in anticipation of the inetsense lighting of Green’s hangar.

Keith didn’t fare well upon arrival either. He had been fighting the darkness that slowly clouded his vision as the pressure in his chest mounted, but the sudden landing sent him sprawling and all the spots he was sore and aching seemed to beat with a new fury as his vision wavered against his ragged breaths.

“I’ve got Pidge! Someone needs to grab Keith and Lance—no you’ve done enough buddy, let her help you...” Shiro ordered as he rose to his feet with Pidge still cradled against his chest, some soft cries escaping her mouth when he leaned back and hefted Hunk up as well.

He ushered his apologies while he waited for Hunk to orient himself before letting his grip on his arm go.

“Um... so you’re saying missing a shoulder bone is a common human injury?”

“More like misplaced, but yeah, wait—PLEASE do not touch, oh my god! Just because it’s missing, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it’s still there Allura...”

Coran knelt beside Keith who had waved off the helping hand at first but the effort of even bringing himself up to his knees sent him into another coughing fit. The world before him spun and the pulse behind his eyes raged harder than ever, muffling everything the altean said to him before he found himself slumping into his embrace, the sound of his chest rattling was harsh and unnerving.

“Oh, my boy... alright, brace yourself,” was all Coran uttered before hefting Keith up and over his shoulder, the movement producing a stiff sigh while his arms shook from where they clutched then hung down limply as his chest contracted.

“Just relax, number four. Relief will come soon.”

They were just leaving Black’s hangar behind when Pidge uttered her first coherent words, she was mumbling for Shiro and then for Matt, her voice hitching and breaking when she called out for her parents. Shiro just shushed her and cradled her tighter into his chest as he tried his best not to break himself while he ran as fast as he could.

Hunk made his way slowly, using the wall heavily while he fought to keep his balance, Allura checking in on him every now and again when he would stumble while she fought Lance.

His good arm slung around Allura and his injured shoulder hanging unnaturally low as he limped along, his injured leg barely able to hold any weight now.

“This is silly Lance!”

He refused to be carried even though his legs shook so badly his balance was nearly as skewed as Hunk’s.

“What could possibly be so silly ab—agh!”

Allura had stepped away from Lance who lilted and was forced to catch himself by putting weight onto bad leg, biting down hard on his lip to keep from crying out.

“I’m done entertaining this,” the Princess stated before sweeping a grumbling Lance onto her shoulders in a fireman carry.

“Just be glad your travel size,” Hunk sighed wearily.

Coran and Shiro were the first to arrive and activated the sliding doors of the medical facility.

“This bed here, Shiro!”

“Wait, bed? Why not a pod?” Lance asked worriedly.

“I am most disheartened to say that only one pod is adaquately charged at the moment, I’ve redirected the castle’s power to charge a second but the system sustained substantial damaged during the fight... it might be a while before a second is operational,” Coran noted grimly, setting Keith down to sit on the edge of the bed across from the one Shiro was settling Pidge in.

“For now we must assess who truly cannot afford to wait and should it come to it we will conduct the healing process in stages.”

The (semi) walking wounded were just making it into the room when Keith let out a particulary wet hack and wiped the blood that came away off on his sleeve.

“Oh alaran, okay... Allura where are your mice?! We need these suits off now so I can begin my assessment and we don’t have enough hands!”

Coran tossed Shiro a pair of scissors who took over peeling the shredded suit away from Keith’s front, slowly revealing the giant welt that seemed to be his chest and side, all varying degrees of purple and red. His labored breathing made it difficult to work around and slowed the process, so he ended up leaving the more precise work of his shredded back for Coran.

“We must determine who can do without a healing pod for now...”

The mice were doing a swift job of Pidge’s suit while Coran attached wires to her chest and inserted an IV in her arm after getting both arms through a gown. There were dozens of wires now on her small body, a thingy on her finger, a canula around her ears delivering more oxygen though her nose. There also soon dozens on bandages.

The mice picked the large pieces of metal out of her wounds while coran wrapped gauze down her arm and thigh before moving to fully asses her stomach under a dense pile of white already soaked through.

“Pidge first,” Keith rasped as he look across to his teammate, so lifeless and small on the bed. He knew she was physically smaller than the rest of the team, she always had been, but never before had her tiny form scared him like this.

She remained unresponsive and bleeding from way too many places, another puddle quickly forming under her on the bed. Coran was murmuring nonsense about her vitals while preparing a pressure bandage for the largest of the leaking wounds on her stomach. Once it was covered it seemed to stabilize her and made the blaring machines quiet of which Hunk was very thankful for.

“Shiro, wave this scanner over number four’s chest and tell me the extent of the damage. Allura, cut three out of his suit as well, wrap the metal in place with this, use the scanner after. Then scan Hunk’s head, he’s look a tad green, maybe grab a bucket for the lad.”

Allura settled Lance down in a chair next to Hunk who helped himself to an ice pack and tried to keep from passing out or throwing up as he waited, the mice settling themselves on his shoulder and licking his face when his eyes fluttered shut.

Barely any of Lance’s suit survived Allura’s scissors. She cut the entirety of his right sleeve into bits so as to not disturb his shoulder, then rummaged around in the cabinet for a sling. It went on with some protest, but ultimately the stability of it hurt less. 

“So strange how a cold block revlieves pain for humans... seems a bit barbaric to me.”

“It’s not barbaric, it’s heaven,” Lance hissed as she secured the last pack with the altean equivalent of an ace bandage and he shook under the delightfully painful sting of the cold against his throbbing shoulder.

Hunk leaned back in his chair and squeezed his eyes shut, somewhat reliving the exhausting spinning he experienced when they were open as another wave of nausea washed over him, he wouldn’t be able to keep his dinner down much longer.

“You’d better stay awake number two, haven’t had a look at that third eye yet,” Coran almost laughed at himself, but somehow he couldn’t as he worked Pidge. 

She was too pale. Too quiet. And while he had managed to somewhat staunch the bleeding for now, he couldn’t remedy what had already been lost. Not with gauze. And not with the pod.

But Keith’s breathing was taking a turn for the worst.

Shiro peeled the last of the top half of Keith’s suit from his arms and asked Allura to help hold him steady while he scanned the already dark expanse of his chest. 

His eyes were glazed and his breathing was very labored now, not much getting in and not much coming out.

There was blood leaking from the corner of his mouth now, the stream almost steady.

The scanner blared red as it passed across the front of his body. Four broken ribs, several others bruised, and a pulmonary contusion. The cuts on his back were superficial mostly, some deep and wide enough to need stitches. But that was all expected.

What wasn’t expected was the bleeding in his abdomen.

His liver. The damage was extensive.

Coran looked over when Shiro relayed that bit, Keith was pale and shaking now, the effects of blood loss ringing true.

He was at Keith’s bed in a second, holding his head up limply so he could secure an oxygen mask on his face, his skin was warm to the touch and his face glistened with sweat. 

He had no idea how the boy was still coherent, let alone sitting up mostly on his own.

Coran began attaching wires all over to track his vitals, ignoring how he winced under the touch, his head remaining in the crook of Shiro’s arm where it had resided after Allura left with the scanner.

The mix 100% oxygen and an altean herb that relaxed distress seemed to bring his levels up and calm him down. It somewhat and soothed the burning in his throat, but he continued to wheeze, the rattle in his chest as present as ever.

“Can you hear me, lad?”

Keith’s eyes lidded and he looked around, searching for Coran who lifted his chin up and shined a light across his eyes. They were sluggish but followed it accordingly.

“Shiro get him on his side. Begin cleaning the wounds on his back and removing all of the debris. Call out his oxygen saturation every few minutes. All we can do is monitor his internal bleeding for now, but if his breathing takes a turn he’s going into a pod immediately and the shrapenl cannot be there if he does.”

He returned to Pidge and flicked through her chart with all of his diognositics on it shaking his head.

“I need Lance scanned, and pricked,” he said after a moment of deliberation, holding up a finger pincher for blood typing.

“Shiro and Hunk I also need you pricked... actually maybe not Hunk just yet.”

“M’ fine,” he protested, barely able to string coherent words together, the mice squeaking in protest.

“Pidge needs a blood transfusion before she goes into a pod, if I put her in now without having stopped the bleeding... she may bleed out in a matter of minutes, and with the rate that Keith is losing blood into his abdominal cavity, he will too.”

“No need to type everyone, I’m compatible with both. Universal donor, baby! Take my beautiful blood,” Lance beamed holding his good arm out.

“We’ll have Shiro typed as well, you can only give so much since you’re also injured.”

“Pshh, take as much as you need.”

Allura rolled down the remnants of his sleeve until it slipped off.

“Hook up his vitals, Princess. Can you start IV fluids and the donation line like I showed you?”

“Yes, I think so...”

“Think so? You are not—OUCH, hey! Well... that wasn’t so bad.”

The princess stifled her laughs as she attached a bag of fluids to the IV she placed in Lance’s hand, then tied a rubber band around his bicep.

“Shiro, can you finish dressing Pidge’s more minor wounds? Pack the gauze on before you tape, and don’t fret about being gentle. I’d like to take a look at Keith’s chest for myself... Princess after you’ve started the first donation can you type number one?”

Everyone uttered in agreement and Coran sighed as he left Pidge to switch with Shiro.

He sat on the side of Keith’s bed and picked up where Shiro had left off on his back, holding together the wider gashes with surgical tape and packing them all with gauze as well. Only a few needed stitching, but he packed them with gauze for now before bandaging.

“I’ve got to take a look at your front, my boy,” Coran noted as he shifted Keith from laying more on his stomach to completely on his side.

His face scrunched up in discomfort when he did.

There was hardly a spot on his front untouched by darkening bruises, each in different stages of purple and red.

He waved his scanner over the darkest spot on his side just as Lance cried out, the results would take a dobash to calibrate.

“Fuck, AGHhh, owh Allura! I—mmph” Lance kicked his feet out to keep literal tears from escaping his eyes, then clutched at his leg when kicking shifted the rather large metal spire still inside of it, and grimaced again when all of his movement agitated his shoulder once more.

“What is going on over there?!”

“I may or may not have bumped into Lance’s mangled shoulder...” Allura said guiltily as she held Lance firmly in his seat while he squirmed, scared that he was going to continue hurting himself or pull out both of the vital needles in his good arm.

“Erm, Coran you might want to take a look at this,” Allura postured once Lance had calmed down enough to let her move the ice pack, he was exhausted both from the pain and the energy it took to thrash given almost an entire pint of of his blood was now in a bag next to him, not to mention what he’d already lost.

Coran left the scanner as it loaded it’s prognosis.

“Shiro, what did you call this strange phenomenon?” Coran asked as he mused over the lack of shoulder bone at the top of his neck.

“His shoulder is dislocated...?”

“That’s to say, the head of the joint is in another location?”

“Yes...?”

“Where then—oh. Oh, dear. How does one go about correcting this? Altean joints are connected by seemingly much stronger tissues and tendons... this is most unusual,” Coran asked nervously as he looked over Lance’s shoulder to his back where the missing bone was protruding from.

“You put it back into place. I’ve seen it done, it’ll hurt but you kind of just pull depending on which way it went out...”

Coran waved the scanner over it and it blared red, corroborating Shiro’s diagnosis.

“Very well, number one, Lance’s shoulder is indeed dis-lo-cated. You said to just... pull?”

Coran asked quizzically as he removed the sling and took up Lance’s arm straight out in front of him.

“HOLD UP—GAH!”

Lance was thrashing once more and cradling his arm now, sweat dripping from his forehead as he panted.

“How was that, number—“

“HOW WAS THAT?! That was awful! It’s also still not back in place and... jeez, is it warm in here or is that just me?”

Coran waved the scanner over Lance’s shoulder once more.

“Hmm, the injured muscles appear to be spasming. It seems the joint cannot be reduced unless the muscles and the patient are relaxed, the scanner advises a muscle relaxer be injected in the area...”

“Will this do, Coran?” Allura was holding a vial and syringe she had just pulled from the cabinet freshly restocked of human medicines and vaccines.

“Yes, princess! This may sting...” Lance had no energy left to protest. He barely even felt the needle going into his shoulder, though he doubted he’d ‘barely’ feel what came next.

His head hung low as he braced himself, a steady, thumping heart beat the only thing he could really hear at that point. He vaguely wondered if he should tell Coran he was seeing stars or not, thinking it wouldn’t matter in a minute anyway.

“Shiro, can you hold the boy steady... yes, like that. Okay, deep breath number three.”

Lance had just began sucking in a huge breath when Coran pulled on his arm and Shiro pushed on his chest, keeping his body still while the tension on his arm slipped the joint of his shoulder back into place with a satisfactory pop!

He couldn’t even feel the pain or relief that came with the reduction of the injury because his head lolled forward to rest on Shiro’s forearm, his hands on his chest the only thing left keeping the exhausted boy upright as consciousness dripped away and he slumped further.

“Lance!”

“Crap,” Shiro exclaimed, pushing his weight back against the chair and holding him there.

“That’s enough blood from you,” Allura said as she stopped the donation.

“All vitals normal except... blood volume, but that’s expected... heart rate elevated, that should return to normal soon... and blood pressure extremely high, yep. Right, so the boy has passed out,” Coran stated as if that fact wasn’t already blatant enough.

“Think we knew that already,” Shiro laughed blandly, Lance’s head still in the crook of his arm.

“Allura, can you start the line for the transfusion on Pidge?”

She nodded as she unhooked the line from Lance and brought the bag of blood still very warm over to Pidge’s bed.

“Can you set Lance up in a bed for me while I check in on Keith?”

“Yes,” Shiro gruffed as he carefully lifted Lance, trying not to jostle either of his injuries.

Keith hadn’t improved when Coran returned, the IV fluids and oxygen only preventing a further decline in his condition.

“This isn’t good my boy,” he mused, flicking through the report and brushing his hair out of his eyes. He leaned into the touch, his face filled with desperation and slick with sweat from his constant efforting to breathe.

Coran let out a rather aggressive sigh.

“I need a 14 gauge needle.”

“14 gauge? But that’s for... “

“Yes, I am afraid the pressure in his lungs is building and if i don’t decompress now his contusion will progress into a tension pneumothorax and cut off oxygen to his brain and—thank you. Keith...”

He reached for the mask on his face and tried to garble out a few words but none of it was coherent through the wheezes that came with them.

“I know, my boy. Relax, you will feel much better in a moment, I’ve got to roll you onto your back now—I apologize for the discomfort.”

Keith groaned at the new orientation and soon his breathing nearly stopped altogether, his body spasming and his face twisting up as it was deprived almost entirely of air.

It wasn’t just the injuries on fire underneath him, the fluid that had built up in his lungs and chest cavity had moved to block what little air he had been managing to make it in.

“I’m sorry,” Coran offered as he pressed on his chest right next to his sternum and just below his collarbone than found the third rib down and stabbed the large needle into the intercostal space between it and the next.

He had taken the inside of the needle out so it was just the tube that was now letting out a high pitched hiss as the pressure in Keith’s lungs dissipated. He heaved gratefully, choking and sputtering on the renwed ability to in bring air, his throat aching dryly and his head buzzing while blood rushed back up to it.

“Vitals stabilizing... oxygen saturation increasing... blood pressure steady... heart rate lowering... blood volume still dangerously low... How’s number three? Keith also needs a transfusion.”

“Lance can’t give anymore, he’s still out,” Shiro said as he rearranged the wires attached to him and took the needle left from the donation out.

“Allura says I’m B negative. What is Keith?”

“He’s AB positive, you’re compatible but I have reservations about the Galra component of his blood... if he were donating I’d be more hesitant, I just don’t have enough expertise in this area to be confident that he won’t react as if you weren’t even compatible...”

“Just-just do it,” Keith croaked almost inaubidly. “Do it so Pidge can go in the pod. I’ll be fine, j-j-just do it.”

“Alright, number four, but you tell us if anything feels wrong, okay? Allura can you prep Pidge for the pod?”

Shiro dragged a chair over to Keith’s bedside and rolled up his sleeve. Coran tied a rubber band around his bicep and started the donation then went to Keith and got him set up for the transfusion. The line coming from Shiro’s arm connected directly to Keith’s, a small monitor tracking how much was being distributed.

Neither boy said much of anything for a while, both staring helplessly as Coran and Allura situated Pidge in a healing pod. It was dimmer than usual and seemed slower to activate, but Pidge hadn’t moved so much as an inch and didn’t seem to mind the wait.

It was only when Lance woke up again that either were aware their eyes had drifted shut. They didn’t remain that way for long though...

LOL didn’t think there’d be a part 3 but here we are, I apologize.

[dimigex]

Healing Hands Chapter Six (YamaSaku)

Chapter six is finally available! You can find the full story here on AO3 and FF as well, but here’s a snippet (more below the cut). 

As Sakura navigated the darkened streets toward the hospital, she took stock of how much she'd had to drink. The truth in Kazuko's words rankled more than she cared to admit, both the implication that what they'd been doing was a mistake, and that Sakura needed to sober up before using medical ninjutsu. True, she'd drunk a couple of beers and as many shots over the night, but hours had passed since then. She didn't feel impaired, but his accusation was worth considering.

As irritating as it was, Kazuko had a point. Sakura could be needed at any moment for Anbu. If she were well and truly under the influence, someone would die on her watch. There was no one else to shoulder the burden of caring for the worst injuries. Sakura didn't have a backup waiting in the wings like Tsunade had. Vaguely, she wondered how her mentor had balanced her love of sake with her responsibilities.

Ignoring the question for now, Sakura slipped into the serene lobby of the hospital. The difference in the atmosphere between when she'd left earlier and now couldn't have been more pronounced if someone had staged it. The frenetic pace of doctors and nurses rushing into rooms had diminished to quiet footsteps and softly beeping machines. The staff were more likely to be gathered around the desk than the exam rooms, while their patients, no longer in need of urgent care, slept. No where near the urgent environment she expected to find.

Though Sakura knew that she wouldn't have been paged for a minor injury, she felt a stab of annoyance after the day she'd had. Hurrying through the halls at a clipped pace, she spoke to no one, intent on her destination. The walk had sobered Sakura further, and the memory of what had almost happened between herself and Kazuko kept trying to push to the forefront of Sakura's mind. She quashed down the questions as a problem to solve another day. Sakura couldn't deal with the fall out from Kazuko; tonight, she had an injured shinobi to take care of.

The near silence that permeated the shinobi wing made the skin on Sakura's arms rise in gooseflesh. On the other floors, there was a constant hustle and bustle of patients and nurses throughout the evening. Here, it was silent as death. When Sakura had left for the day, none of the beds had been occupied. Now, there was at least one critical patient. Brilliant fluorescent light beckoned from the end of the hallway.

Pausing, Sakura drew a deep breath and released her worries about Kazuko and what might be on the other side of that door. She had trained for this. Only the patient mattered; there was no room for more mistakes. After removing every ounce of emotion from her features, Sakura pushed the door inward.

There were three people in the room, but Sakura only had eyes for her patient. An unfamiliar woman stared back from the bed, surprisingly conscious; that was a good sign. A shock of bright green hair fell across her face, partially obscuring unfocused, golden eyes. She swiped the strands away and grimaced. Chiasa, one of the few nurses assigned to Anbu, stood beside the bed prepping an IV line. Bags of fluid awaited Sakura's approval.

"Haruno-sensei," the familiarity in the rough voice surprised Sakura. She turned to the third person in the room, frowning as gloved hands came up to remove the porcelain cat mask. Sakura missed a step, stumbling over open air when she recognized Yamato.

The spattering of blood across Yamato's chest plate warned Sakura that the man had been in battle. Even so, she wasn't prepared for the mess beneath his mask. Yamato's left eye was swollen almost completely shut, angry red streaks darkening toward purple on the skin. A gash followed the curve of his prominent cheekbone, ending in a busted lip. Dried blood flaked from his chin.

Sakura nearly reached toward the man, then caught herself. If Yamato had been the reason that she'd been called to the hospital, he would be the one in bed. Shaking off her surprise, Sakura tossed her bag onto the small table beside the nurse and dug out her stethoscope. "What do we have?"

"Concussive injuries," Chiasa answered, taping off the needle she'd inserted into the woman's wrist. Sakura spared a single glance for Yamato, curious why he hadn't been the one to speak. "Splintered wrist, probable internal bleeding."

"'m fine," the woman on the bed mumbled, golden eyes glaring over Sakura's shoulder at Yamato. She fought into a sitting position, body swaying with the movement. "'didn't need to come."

Stepping forward, Sakura placed a hand on the girl's shoulder and guided her back to the bed with as little force as possible. "I'll be the judge of that," she interrupted. "Now, do you know where you are?"

"Obviously at the hospital," the girl snipped. The anger previously directed at Yamato shifted to Sakura, and fire entered the woman's voice even though she looked one strong breeze from falling over. "I know that my name is Saiyo. Go ahead, and hold up your fingers. I can do that trick too."

"Saiyo," Yamato warned, but Sakura waved him away. This was far from her first time dealing with recalcitrant patients. She'd treated Kakashi after all. Rather than meeting Saiyo's sarcasm, Sakura accepted a pen light from the nurse. After a grudging nod, Sakura thumbed the woman's eyelids wider..Her pupils were sluggish, but they responded to the light's influence and shrunk as they should have.

Sakura nodded to herself, that too was a good sign. "How long has it been since she was injured?"

Chiasa remained silent, so Sakura turned back to Yamato. The man paused the drumming of fingers against thigh and glanced at the clock. "Approximately twelve hours."

Frowning, Sakura studied Saiyo. Except for the poorly splinted and wrapped wrist, the girl looked in far better shape than Yamato. At least, on the surface. The fact that Saiyo was conscious and presumably walking after the injury was another good sign. "Did she lose consciousness?"

"She is sitting right here," Saiyo groused, pushing back into a sitting position to glare at Sakura. The movement jostled her injured arm, and the girl winced. "You don't have to talk over my head. You can talk to me."

"Would you know if you'd lost consciousness?" Sakura asked, failing to keep the annoyance from her voice. She'd had one hell of a day already, and she didn't particularly feel like convincing an entitled brat that she needed medical care. "I assumed that your captain would have been able to view the situation more clearly than you might have."

Saiyo scoffed under her breath. "I'm Anbu, not some genin too busy mooning after a boy to do my job. I don't need someone to watch my back."

Memories of Sakura's genin days and chasing after Sasuke burst through her mind and mingled with the earlier, almost mistake of Kazuko. Hot shame washed through her stomach, quickly obliterated by anger. She forced a breath into her lungs and reminded herself that she'd taken an oath to do no harm, at least not at the hospital. She opened her mouth to respond.

"Enough," Yamato growled, voice sharp enough that Sakura involuntarily straightened like he'd been able to read her thoughts. She had heard Yamato use that tone with Team Seven, mostly directed at Sai and Naruto, but she remembered it well. The man let out an exasperated sigh. "Stop acting like a child, or I'll pull you off active missions until you learn to keep a civil tongue."

Sakura expected Saiyo to grow angry at the reprimand, but spots of color appeared on the girl's cheeks. She swallowed her retort, then erased the emotions from her face. If Sakura hadn't known the same tricks, she would have been impressed. Yamato ran a hand through his hair, and Sakura realized he wasn't wearing the head protector she'd always seen him with. Vaguely, she wondered where it was when he nodded toward Saiyo. "She lost consciousness briefly, no longer than a minute, I'd say."

Humming under her breath, Sakura wondered how much healing ninjutsu Yamato's team had at their disposal on missions. She and Tsunade had discussed the need of medical nin on every team that left the village, but Sakura was no closer to making that dream a reality. Obviously, Anbu needed that knowledge more than most, but everyone could benefit from it. How many shinobi did they lose in the field that even a medic still in training could have saved?

Turning her eyes back to Saiyo, Sakura examined the girl's wrist. The splint and wrapping were messy, imperfect by medical standards, but adequate for what they'd probably had to work with. A long piece of fabric lay next to Saiyo's hip, presumably a sling that Chiasa had removed before Sakura got there. She couldn't help but wonder who had stabilized Saiyo before the team came back to Konoha. Had Yamato done it? Was there anyone on the team besides Yamato and Saiyo? Sakura realized that she knew precious little about how Anbu missions worked.

Sakura shook the thoughts away and brought her attention back to the beeping machines beside the bed. Chiasa had gotten everything hooked up and prepared for Sakura's arrival so they could jump straight to treatment. Saiyo's blood pressure and heart rate were slightly elevated, but neither was surprising with the injured wrist. Her oxygen saturation was near perfect, pointing to healthy, undamaged lungs from whatever had happened. Sakura would check everything with chakra, of course, but Saiyo appeared to have gotten away lightly. Sakura almost laughed at the idea that a concussion and splintered wrist were considered insignificant in this line of work.

"I can't promise that this won't hurt," Sakura warned as she stepped closer to the bed. Saiyo ground her teeth together, either against the expectation of pain or to hold back another biting comment, then nodded.

Exhaling, Sakura focused chakra in the hands hovering just above Saiyo's damaged wrist. She eased the flow against Saiyo's chakra, felt resistance, then pushed harder. Saiyo grunted, her body jerking at the invasion, but Sakura hardly noticed. Her mind was already sorting essential information from unimportant distractions. She ignored the bruises, cuts, and aches in favor of checking Saiyo's internal organs for bleeding. Anything that felt out of place was a warning sign that Sakura couldn't afford to miss.

After ensuring that nothing substantial had affected Saiyo's internal systems, Sakura moved to the girl's wrist. The two larger bones had been realigned before being splinted, a feat that impressed Sakura and made it easy to encourage regrowth. What would have taken months for a civilian would be completed in a matter of days with chakra's help. The complex, tiny bones nearer to the fingers needed to be shifted ever so gently to the side-a sharp gasp from Saiyo tugged at Sakura's concentration but she forced herself to continue, picturing the carefully inked pictures that Tsunade had made her study.

Sweat popped out on Sakura's forehead as she realigned the pieces like a puzzle, but she hardly noticed. Maintaining the delicate flows of chakra required every ounce of her attention. The edge of alcohol in her system made it more difficult than it would have been otherwise, but it was nothing Sakura couldn't handle. One slip up here could be catastrophic; she had to maintain focus until the end.

Content that the wrist would heal on its own soon, Sakura focused her attention toward Saiyo's skull. Concussions were tricky to diagnose on the best day, impossible on the worst. The loss of consciousness, sluggish pupils, and slurred speech were enough to suggest that Saiyo had one. Even the woman's combative nature could have pointed to a concussion, but Sakura thought that was more personality than injury. Rather than looking for bruising indicative of a concussion, Sakura checked for active bleeding inside Saiyo's skull. The girl's brain would repair itself far better without Sakura's interference unless it was life or death.

Content that she'd done everything in her power, Sakura released her chakra and opened her eyes. For a moment, her vision doubled with exhaustion. She had the vague sensation that her knees might collapse, but she held herself erect despite the weakness that warned that she'd pushed herself too far today. Saiyo groaned and sank back against the pillow, face ashen.

"I've stabilized your wrist," Sakura began, running her tongue over too dry lips. Even talking felt like a struggle, though she knew the sensation would pass. "It should be good as new in a few days. There were no signs of internal bleeding, but I want to keep you for observation overnight to make sure we didn't miss anything."

Sakura braced herself for an argument, but Saiyo closed her eyes with murmured agreement. Sakura frowned. Chakra healing took some of its energy from the patient, but Saiyo had been overbearing only a few minutes ago. Now, she looked completely spent. "Saiyo? How are you feeling?"

When Sakura didn't get an answer, she glanced at the monitor. Saiyo's heart rate had dropped significantly, much closer to the range that Sakura expected of a physically fit shinobi. She doubted that removing pain from her wrist would have created such a dramatic effect. Had she missed bleeding somewhere? "Let's run-"

"She's fine," Yamato interjected, stepping closer. Sakura spun to face him and immediately regretted it when the room tilted at the edges. Yamato's demeanor had changed. He practically bounced on his toes with unspent energy now that he knew Saiyo would live. Sakura opened her mouth to question him, but Yamato spoke over the words. "She took a soldier pill, and they fade quickly. In a day or two, she'll be back to her normal, moody self. Thanks to you," the man added as an afterthought.

A low growl left Sakura's throat. "You didn't think that we might need that information?"

"How do you think she got here with a broken wrist and concussion?" Yamato snorted humorlessly in the back of his throat and shook his head. When he saw Sakura's expression, the man moderated his tone. "Anbu is a different world; we push our bodies past their limits all the time."

"And, I'm the one left picking up the pieces," Sakura shot back. Anger rolled through her in waves that she didn't fully understand. Regular shinobi used soldier pills sparingly, only in life and death situations. The stimulants inside each capsule could keep someone going for up to twenty-four hours, but then, their body would more or less shut down for the next two days to recover.

Embarrassment followed quickly on anger's heels. Sakura should have asked if Saiyo had taken anything, she should have surmised the effect of stimulants on the girl's blood pressure and heart rate. She'd been too tired to do a thorough examination before jumping to healing. Tsunade would have punished Sakura for such a slip up, making her do charting instead of seeing patients for weeks.

Unaware of the self-deprecating thoughts in Sakura's mind, Yamato's mouth curled into a condescending smile. She'd never seen that expression on his face before. "Anbu rarely have the luxury of a medic on the team."

"Yeah," Sakura agreed, internally grumbling over the old argument. Yamato would never convince her that things in Anbu didn't need to change, and she would probably never convince him that they should. Sakura was too tired to argue the point tonight, and she didn't know enough about the organization to critique it well. Not yet, but she planned to find out. She'd push Kakashi for more information as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

Turning back to Chiasa, who had been quietly making notes in Saiyo's file, Sakura nodded. "Go ahead and start the fluids, we'll try to flush some of the stimulants from her system. And, you'll page me if there are any changes?"

"Of course, Haruno-sensei," Chiasa murmured, already reaching for the fluids that she'd laid out before Sakura arrived at the hospital. The woman's quiet, efficient manner put Sakura at ease.

"Thanks," Sakura began, pausing when a sound drew her attention. She turned to find Yamato replacing the cat mask over his face. The loss of familiarity left her uncomfortable. True, she only saw a portion of Kakashi's face, but somehow just the shadowed brown of Yamato's eyes was different, like he'd pushed a barrier between them. She arched one eyebrow. "And just where do you think you're going? You were injured as well."

The man shook his head, adjusting the black compression glove on one arm. "I'm only here because of Saiyo. And, unlike her, I actually am fine."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "I'll be the judge of that."

Yamato shook his head again, then bent to scoop his pack from the ground. Sakura hadn't even noticed it there until now. "I have been doing this long enough to know when I need the hospital and when I just need a hot shower. Today is the latter, and I have a report to make."

The man dipped his head in an almost acknowledgement to Sakura's silence, then raised his fingers to chest height. Before she could think of a convincing argument, Yamato shunshined from the room. Despite his injuries, Yamato was probably right. His body would heal on its own, and Sakura didn't have much chakra or energy left to put into another healing. She looked at Saiyo, already lulled to sleep by the exhaustion of healing and her body coming down from the stimulant.

As much as Sakura wanted to analyze everything that had happened, she exhaled that urge in a long, measured breath. She needed rest; tomorrow would be soon enough to sort through all these problems.

(Don’t forget to check out the rest of this chapter and story at the links above on Fanfiction and A03)

[rayarmat]

A Guide to Outpatient COVID Treatment: Step-By-Step Doctors’ Plan That Could Save Your Life

Recently, Dr. Peter McCullough, MD, of Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas testified to Texas Senate HHS Committee  about how mass media and even some government agencies are silencing clinical outpatient evidence for effective treatment of COVID19 and instead push vaccines only (video shown below).

Treatments like those mentioned by Dr. McCullough can be found in sites like https://c19early.com/ but specifically, McCullough refers to the following Appendix to a document published by Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPSonline.org) as an educational resource. It is based on a paper published in American Journal of Medicine (link), by Dr. Peter McCullough and 22 other clinicians (MDs) and researchers (PhDs).

“Seek early treatment and be your own advocate. All of the physicians contributing to this booklet are  on the frontlines treating outpatients at the first signs of COVID illness. Studies in the US and many other  countries clearly show that patients who are treated within the first 5 days of symptoms have better  outcomes using the combination of medications in the algorithm below.”

COVID-19 hospitalizations and death can be reduced with outpatient treatment.

Principles of COVID-19 outpatient care include: 1) reduction of reinoculation, 2) combination antiviral therapy, 3) immunomodulation, 4) antiplatelet/antithrombotic therapy 5) administration of oxygen, monitoring, and telemedicine.

“For the ambulatory patient with recognized early signs and symptoms of COVID-19, often with nasal real-time reverse transcription or oral antigen testing pending, the following 4 principles could be deployed in a layered and escalating manner depending on clinical manifestations of COVID-19-like illness and confirmed infection: 1) reduction of reinoculation, 2) combination antiviral therapy, 3) immunomodulation, and 4) antiplatelet/antithrombotic therapy. Because the results of testing could take up to a week to return, treatment can be started before the results are known. For patients with cardinal features of the syndrome (ie, fever, body aches, nasal congestion, loss of taste and smell, etc.) and suspected false-negative testing, treatment can be the same as those with confirmed COVID-19. Future randomized trials are expected to confirm, reject, refine, and expand these principles. In this article, they are set forth in emergency response to the growing pandemic as shown in Figure 1 .

Treatment algorithm for COVID-19-like and confirmed COVID-19 illness in ambulatory patients at home in self-quarantine. BMI = body mass index; CKD = chronic kidney disease; CVD = cardiovascular disease; DM = diabetes mellitus; Dz = disease; HCQ = hydroxychloroquine; Mgt = management; O2 = oxygen; Ox = oximetry; Yr = year.

The basic groups of prescription medicines and other therapies used in COVID-19: 

▪ Combination anti-viral medicines started as soon as symptoms occur ▪ Medicines to decrease inflammation, such as corticosteroids (called  immunomodulators) 

▪ Anticoagulant therapy to prevent blood-clots that can cause strokes, heart attacks,  kidney shut-down, and death. 

▪ Non-prescription supportive treatments with zinc, vitamin D, vitamin C, electrolyte  drinks such as Pedialyte, and others. 

▪ Home-based oxygen support, such as with an oxygen concentrator. These machines  are available by physician prescription from home health medical supply businesses and are covered on most medical insurance plans. 

I. Antiviral Agents:  

These must be started quickly at STAGE I (Days 1-5):  

Symptoms include sore throat, nasal stuffiness, fatigue, headaches, body aches, loss of  taste and/or smell, loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea, fever.  

These medicines stop the virus from (1) entering the cells and (2) from multiplying once  inside the cells, and they reduce bacterial invasion in the sinuses and lung: 

▪ *Hydroxychloroquine (HCQ) with azithromycin (AZM) or doxycycline 

OR 

▪ Ivermectin with azithromycin (AZM) or doxycycline 

Either combination above must also include zinc sulfate or gluconate, plus supplemental vitamin D, and vitamin C. Some doctors also recommend adding a B complex vitamin. 

Zinc is critical. It helps block the virus from multiplying.  

Hydroxychloroquine is the carrier taking zinc INTO the cells to do its job.

An educational resource from The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPSonline.org) 16 

II. Anti-inflammatory Agents - Corticosteroids (“steroids”): Oral and Nebulized. 

These are started at STAGE II (Days 3-14) to reduce inflammation, the cause of added  damage to the lungs and critical organs. Symptoms include worsening cough, difficulty  breathing, chest heaviness/tightness or chest pain.  

As inflammation damages the airways interfering with normal oxygen-carbon dioxide  exchange, blood oxygen levels drop and people experience loss of focus, drowsiness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, low energy and severe fatigue.  

The exaggerated Inflammation response in COVID further increases the risk of blood clots. 

Prescription medicines and other support added now to Stage I medicines are: ▪ nebulized budesonide to help penetrate the lungs and reduce inflammation ▪ oral prednisone, methylprednisolone, dexamethasone 

▪ colchicine – may also be added to reduce inflammation 

▪ full strength adult aspirin 325 mg to reduce inflammation and risk of blood clots ▪ home oxygen concentrator may be needed to improve oxygen levels (requires  physician prescription) 

III. Prescription Anticoagulants (“blood thinners”):

STAGE III (Day 7 and beyond): Symptoms seen in Stage II intensify. Difficulty breathing becomes extreme, oxygen levels  drop sharply, risk of heart attack or stroke increases. At this point, people are critically ill.  

The medicines to be added to Stage I and II medicines now include: 

▪ Aspirin 325 mg unless told not to take by your doctors 

▪ And/or low molecular weight heparin injections (e.g. enoxaparin [Lovenox]) OR 

▪ apixaban (Eliquis), or rivaroxaban (Xarelto), or dabigatran (Pradaxa) or 

edoxaban (Savaysa) in standard doses for 5 to 30 days 

If these added steps do not lead to improvement, or the patient becomes unstable, a 911  call is warranted for ER evaluation and hospital admission so that more aggressive IV  medications (such as remdesivir, Regeneron, and others) may be considered, and more  intensive ventilation regimens are possible in ICU settings. 

IV. Vitamins, Supplements, and Oxygen.  

▪ Zinc sulfate, gluconate or citrate. These forms are available in pharmacies, health  food stores, and sold online. Zinc sulfate 220 mg provides 50 mg elemental zinc, the  recommended anti-viral dose. Zinc in the form of zinc picolinate form is not  recommended following reports of liver damage and tumors from studies about 20  years ago. Following these reports, the German Commission E that regulates  supplements used in medical practice in Germany banned this form of zinc. 

An educational resource from The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPSonline.org) 17 

▪ Vitamin D3, preferable in oil in capsules for better absorption. Recommended doses  for anti-viral benefit vary from 5000 IU or more for 5-30 days 

▪ Vitamin C with bioflavonoids for antioxidant, anti-inflammatory effects. Dose  

recommendations from our contributors vary from 1000 mg (1 gram) once or twice  a day up to 4 or more times a day. 

▪ A word about quercetin. Some physicians are recommending this supplement to  reduce viral illnesses because quercetin acts as a zinc ionophore to improve zinc  

uptake into cells. It is much less potent than HCQ as a zinc transporter, and it does  

not reach high concentrations in lung cells that HCQ does. Quercetin may help  

reduce risk of viral illness if you are basically healthy. But it is not potent enough to  replace HCQ for treatment of COVID once you have symptoms, and it does not  

adequately get into lung tissue unless you take massive doses (3-5 grams a day),  

which cause significant GI side effects such as diarrhea.

Control of Contagion

A major goal of self-quarantine is the control of contagion. Many sources of information suggest the main place of viral transmission occurs in the home. Facial covering for all contacts within the home as well as frequent use of hand sanitizer and hand washing is mandatory. Sterilizing surfaces such as countertops, door handles, phones, and other devices is advised. When possible, other close contacts can move out of the domicile and temporarily stay with others not ill with SARS-CoV-2. Findings from multiple studies indicate that policies concerning control of the spread of SARS-CoV-2 are effective and extension into the home as the most frequent site of viral transfer is paramount.

Reduction of Self-Reinoculation

It is well-recognized that COVID-19 exists outside the human body in a bioaerosol of airborne particles and droplets. Because exhaled air in an infected person is considered to be “loaded” with inoculum, each exhalation and inhalation is effectively reinoculation. In patients who are hospitalized, negative pressure is applied to the room air largely to reduce spread outside of the room. We propose that fresh air could reduce reinoculation and potentially reduce the severity of illness and possibly reduce household spread during quarantine. This calls for open windows, fans for aeration, or spending long periods of time outdoors away from others with no face covering to disperse and not reinhale the viral bioaerosol.

Combination Antiviral Therapy

Rapid and amplified viral replication is the hallmark of most acute viral infections. By reducing the rate, quantity, or duration of viral replication, the degree of direct viral injury to the respiratory epithelium, vasculature, and organs may be lessened. Additionally, secondary processes that depend on viral stimulation, including the activation of inflammatory cells, cytokines, and coagulation, could potentially be lessened if viral replication is attenuated. Because no form of readily available medication has been designed specifically to inhibit SARS-CoV-2 replication, 2 or more of the nonspecific agents listed here can be entertained. None of the approaches listed have specific regulatory approved advertising labels for their manufacturers; thus all would be appropriately considered acceptable “off-label” use.

Zinc Lozenges and Zinc Sulfate

Zinc is a known inhibitor of coronavirus replication. Clinical trials of zinc lozenges in the common cold have demonstrated modest reductions in the duration and or severity of symptoms. By extension, this readily available nontoxic therapy could be deployed at the first signs of COVID-19. Zinc lozenges can be administered 5 times a day for up to 5 days and extended if needed if symptoms persist. The amount of elemental zinc lozenges is <25% of that in a single 220-mg zinc sulfate daily tablet. This dose of zinc sulfate has been effectively used in combination with antimalarials in early treatment of high-risk outpatients with COVID-19.

Antimalarials

Hydroxychloroquine (HCQ) is an antimalarial/anti-inflammatory drug that impairs endosomal transfer of virions within human cells. HCQ is also a zinc ionophore that conveys zinc intracellularly to block the SARS-CoV-2 RNA-dependent RNA polymerase, which is the core enzyme of the virus replication. The currently completed retrospective studies and randomized trials have generally shown these findings: 1) when started late in the hospital course and for short durations of time, antimalarials appear to be ineffective, 2) when started earlier in the hospital course, for progressively longer durations and in outpatients, antimalarials may reduce the progression of disease, prevent hospitalization, and are associated with reduced mortality. In a retrospective inpatient study of 2541 patients hospitalized with COVID-19, therapy associated with an adjusted reduction in mortality was HCQ alone (hazard ratio [HR] = 0.34, 95% confidence interval [CI] 0.25-0.46, P <0.001) and HCQ with azithromycin (HR = 0.29, 95% CI 0.22-0.40, P <0.001). HCQ was approved by the US Food and Drug Administration in 1955, has been used by hundreds of millions of people worldwide since then, is sold over the counter in many countries, and has a well-characterized safety profile that should not raise undue alarm. Although asymptomatic QT prolongation is a well-recognized and infrequent (<1%) complication of HCQ, it is possible that in the setting of acute illness symptomatic arrhythmias could develop. Data safety and monitoring boards have not declared safety concerns in any clinical trial published to date. Rare patients with a personal or family history of prolonged QT syndrome and those on additional QT prolonging, contraindicated drugs (eg, dofetilide, sotalol) should be treated with caution and a plan to monitor the QTc in the ambulatory setting. A typical HCQ regimen is 200 mg bid for 5 days and extended to 30 days for continued symptoms. A minimal sufficient dose of HCQ should be used, because in excessive doses the drug can interfere with early immune response to the virus.

Azithromycin

Azithromycin is a commonly used macrolide antibiotic that has antiviral properties mainly attributed to reduced endosomal transfer of virions as well as established anti-inflammatory effects. It has been commonly used in COVID-19 studies initially based on French reports demonstrating markedly reduced durations of viral shedding, fewer hospitalizations, and reduced mortality combination with HCQ as compared to those untreated. In the large inpatient study (n = 2451) discussed previously, those who received azithromycin alone had an adjusted HR for mortality of 1.05, 95% CI 0.68-1.62, and P = 0.83.23 The combination of HCQ and azithromycin has been used as standard of care in other contexts as a standard of care in more than 300,000 older adults with multiple comorbidities. This agent is well-tolerated and like HCQ can prolong the QTc in <1% of patients. The same safety precautions for HCQ listed previously could be extended to azithromycin with or without HCQ. Azithromycin provides additional coverage of bacterial upper respiratory pathogens that could potentially play a role in concurrent or secondary infection. Thus, this agent can serve as a safety net for patients with COVID-19 against clinical failure of the bacterial component of community-acquired pneumonia. The same safety precautions for HCQ could be extended to azithromycin with or without HCQ. Because both HCQ and azithromycin have small but potentially additive risks of QTc prolongation, patients with known or suspected arrhythmias or taking contraindicated medications or should have more thorough workup (eg, review of baseline electrocardiogram, imaging studies, etc.) before receiving these 2 together. One of many dosing schemes is 250 mg po bid for 5 days and may extend to 30 days for persistent symptoms or evidence of bacterial superinfection.

Doxycycline

Doxycycline is another common antibiotic with multiple intracellular effects that may reduce viral replication, cellular damage, and expression of inflammatory factors. This drug has no effect on cardiac conduction and has the main caveat of gastrointestinal upset and esophagitis. As with azithromycin, doxycycline has the advantage of offering antibacterial coverage for superimposed bacterial infection in the upper respiratory tract. Doxycycline has a high degree of activity against many common respiratory pathogens including Streptococcus pneumoniae, Haemophilus influenzae, Moraxella catarrhalis, anaerobes such as Bacteroides and anaerobic/microaerophilic streptococci and atypical agents like Legionella, Mycoplasma pneumoniae, and Chlamydia pneumoniae. One of many dosing schemes is 200 mg po followed by 100 mg po bid for 5 days and may extend to 30 days for persistent symptoms or evidence of bacterial superinfection. Doxycycline may be useful with HCQ for patients in whom the HCQ-azithromycin combination is not desired.

Favipiravir

Favipiravir, an oral selective inhibitor of RNA-dependent RNA polymerase, is approved for ambulatory use in COVID-19 in Russia, India, and other countries outside of the United States.35 It has been previously used for treatment of some life-threatening infections such as Ebola virus, Lassa virus, and rabies. Its therapeutic efficacy has been proven in these diseases. Like, the antimalarials and antibiotics, favipiravir has no large-scale randomized trials completed at this time, given the short time frame of the pandemic. A dose administration could be 1600 mg po bid on day 1, following by 600 mg po bid for 14 days.

Immunomodulators

The manifestations of COVID-19 that prompt hospitalization and that may well lead to multiorgan system failure are attributed to a cytokine storm. The characteristic profile of a patient acutely ill with COVID-19 includes leukocytosis with a relative neutropenia. These patients have higher serum level of cytokines (ie, TNF-α, IFN-γ, IL-1β, IL-2, IL-4, IL-6, and IL-10) and C-reactive protein than control individuals. Among patients with COVID-19, serum IL-6 and IL-10 levels appear even more elevated in the critically ill. As with any acute inflammatory state, early treatment with immunomodulators is expected to impart greater benefit. In COVID-19, some of the first respiratory findings are nasal congestion, cough, and wheezing. These features are due to excess inflammation and cytokine activation. Early use of corticosteroids is a rational intervention for patients with COVID-19 with these features as they would be in acute asthma or reactive airways disease. The RECOVERY trial randomized 6425 hospitalized patients with COVID-19 in a 2:1 ratio to dexamethasone 6 mg po/IV daily for up to 10 days and found dexamethasone reduced mortality (HR = 0.65, 95% CI 0.51-0.82, P <0.001). One potential dosing scheme for outpatients starting on day 5 or the onset of respiratory symptoms is prednisone 1 mg/kg given daily for 5 days with or without a subsequent taper.

Colchicine

Colchicine is a nonsteroidal antimitotic drug that blocks metaphase by binding to the ends of microtubules to prevent the elongation of the microtubule polymer. This agent has proven useful in gout and idiopathic recurrent pericarditis. The GRECCO-19 randomized open-label trial in 105 hospitalized patients with COVID-19 found that colchicine was associated with a reduction in D-dimer levels and improved clinical outcomes. The clinical primary end point (2-point change in World Health Organization ordinal scale) occurred in 14.0% in the control group (7 of 50 patients) and 1.8% in the colchicine group (1 of 55 patients) (odds ratio, 0.11; 95% CI, 0.01-0.96; P = 0.02). Because the short-term safety profile is well understood, it is reasonable to consider this agent along with corticosteroids in an attempt to reduce the effects of cytokine storm. A dosing scheme of 1.2 mg po, followed by 0.6 mg po bid for 3 weeks can be considered.

Antiplatelet Agents and Antithrombotics

Multiple studies have described increased rates of pathological macro- and micro-thrombosis. Patients with COVID-19 have described chest heaviness associated with desaturation that suggests the possibility of pulmonary thrombosis. Multiple reports have described elevated D-dimer levels in acutely ill patients with COVID-19, which has been consistently associated with increased risk of deep venous thrombosis and pulmonary embolism. Necropsy studies have described pulmonary microthrombosis in COVID-19. These observations support the notion that endothelial injury and thrombosis play a role oxygen desaturation, a cardinal reason for hospitalization and supportive care. Based on this pathophysiologic rationale, aspirin 81 mg daily can be administered as an initial antiplatelet and anti-inflammatory agent. Ambulatory patients can be additionally treated with subcutaneous low-molecular-weight heparin or with short-acting novel anticoagulant drugs in dosing schemes similar to those use in outpatient thromboprophylaxis. In a retrospective study of 2773 inpatients with COVID-19, 28% received anticoagulant therapy within 2 days of admission, and despite being used in more severe cases, anticoagulant administration was associated with a reduction in mortality (HR = 0.86 per day of therapy, 95% CI: 0.82-0.89; P <0.001). Additional supportive data on the use anticoagulants reducing mortality has been reported in hospitalized patients with elevated D-dimer levels and higher comorbidity scores.53 Many acutely ill outpatients also have general indications for venous thromboembolism prophylaxis applicable to COVID-19.

Delivery of Oxygen and Monitoring

Because ambulatory centers and clinics have been reticent to have face-to-face visits with patients with COVID-19, telemedicine is a reasonable platform for monitoring. Clinical impressions can be gained with audio and video interviews by the physician with the patient. Supplemental information, including vital signs and symptoms, will be important to guide the physician. A significant component of safe outpatient management is maintenance of arterial oxygen saturation on room air or prescribed home oxygen under direct supervision by daily telemedicine with escalation to hospitalization for assisted ventilation if needed. Self-proning could be entertained for confident patients with good at-home monitoring.

Many of the measures discussed in this article could be extended to seniors in COVID-19 treatment units in nursing homes and other nonhospital settings. This would leave the purposes of hospitalization to the administration of intravenous fluid and parenteral medication, assisted pressure or mechanical ventilation, and advanced mechanical circulatory support.”

This is the group’s statement on vaccines:

“Vaccines in Development: 

Several vaccine models are being investigated for SARS-CoV-2 (COVID-19) including DNA and RNA  vaccines. These vaccines take genetic information from other sources that is introduced into the cells. This  information includes instructions to produce a SARS2-like viral antigen itself, and the immune system then  reacts to it to develop immunity to the virus.  

The most important consideration before approving a vaccine for human use is to make sure that the  vaccine is safe and effective. Developing safe and controlled infection models for humans normally takes many  years of phased testing in the lab and then in humans. Many physicians and scientists have been concerned  that vaccine manufacturers, with government support, are speeding up this process in ways that are not  allowing adequate time for the usual phased testing leading up to human clinical trials. Two vaccine  manufacturers already have voluntarily paused their clinical trials in people due to serious adverse events. 

Currently, there are no RNA-based vaccines approved for human use so it would seem prudent to take  the time needed to ensure safety. Vaccines for RNA viruses are notoriously challenging and difficult to  develop. We still, after all these years since AIDS emerged in the 1980s, do not have a vaccine for the AIDS  virus, or the SARS-1 coronavirus that emerged in 2002-2003, and both are RNA viruses.  

Several attempts have been made to create vaccines for coronavirus and other respiratory viruses but  none of the vaccines have survived the testing phases. The vaccine trials for SARS-1 from 2003, for example,  was shut down because it produced autoimmune hypersensitivity reactions when exposed to the natural virus  after immunization in animal studies.  

Another problem is that the SARS-2 virus has already shown many mutations. Viruses adapt to the  environment to survive. Like the flu virus, it is difficult to predict what mutations will occur and circulate  around the world each season. A new vaccine must be reformulated to adjust to the changing genetic makeup  of the SARS-2 virus.  

Even the best vaccines for flu are only about 30-60% effective. Compare that with an effectiveness for  improvement ranging from 64% to more than 90% in more than 100 new studies showing early, outpatient  treatment with our existing medications described in chapters.  

As research on the vaccine continues, safety and effectiveness are of primary concern. The good news  is there are very safe and effective early treatments already available as we described in Chapter 3. Clearly,  early, home-based treatment has now been so successful and offers so much hope, there is less urgency to  have a vaccine.”

You can sign up to receive the full protocol here: https://aapsonline.org/covidpatientguide/  or find the research paper here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7410805/

[adrieunor]

the one where they’re married (1/?)

Fandom: The Good Place  Rating: T  Pairing: Michael & Eleanor Shellstrop (pseudo-Michael/Eleanor) 

amnesia, married-but-not, possibly dub-con bc identity issues but nothing explicit; implied Michael reboot or judge reboot  Notes: found this thing hanging out in my WIP and I don’t even remember writing it. but I had fun reading through what’s here, so I thought I’d go ahead and throw it out into the world. 

Story summary:  It didn’t quite top the discovery of waking up in a hospital bed with potential brain damage, but Eleanor is quite sure of one thing. She’s willing to stake money on it, no matter how out of character or divergent he is from her history:

this man is her husband.

Which, great – wow, whoa and every other questionable w-sound.

Hadn’t thought you had it in you girl, Eleanor thinks.

******************

Eleanor wakes up.

Correction: Eleanor tries.

One moment, it’s the nothingness of unconsciousness and then the sudden clarity of what’s happening? Where am I?— except her body feels like it hasn’t caught up to this decision.

She feels heavy.

All of her feels heavy. From the bottom of her feet to the crown of her head, it feels like every atom of her person has suddenly gained ten extra ounces of new weight. Not enough to be a hardship, individually, but combined together—she’s drowning, suffocated by her own eyelids and the thick, still air that doesn’t give any hint to where she seems to be.

Her eyes feel heavy – the stupid gelatinous orbs feel like they’re suspended in concrete, while her lids struggle to flutter awake.

(It’s a stupid expression, anyway, because it’s more hippos doing ballet than graceful ostriches with large feathered fans prancing across the imaginary stage of her mind.)

Fuck.

It hurts.

It feels good to be able to give a resounding f-bomb in her mind. She doesn’t know why it feels good, just that it does—it shouldn’t, though, since Eleanor has been saying fuck and other double-dog-dare-you words since she was in secondhand velcro shoes. She says “fuck” more times on the daily than her own name, certainly more times than “please” or “thank you.”

Ten seconds of consciousness has her registering how rattled her bones feel. Someone has either taken her brain and expanded it to be too big for her skull, or taken her skull and fractured it, hot gluing the pieces back to fit her brain but accidentally leaving a few behind.

“Eleanor? Are you awake?”

Trying to be.

Even in her mind, the words she wants to respond with feel slurred, fumbled by a dull tongue that’s trying to unstick from the roof of her mouth.

She’s not sure if the keening sound is just bubbling frustration and pain she’s creating in her head, or if she’s really making it. Eleanor wants to open her mouth and let her sad, animal crying out, but it seems, between the last time she was awake and now, someone’s affixed her jaw with lead, super glue, and the caramel they use to cover those cheap, green apple pops.

Eleanor settles for a whimper.

It’s the trembling of her bottom lip that makes her realize something’s brushing against her face, threaded across her nose and mouth and affixed by sticky tape on her cheeks.

Dry fingertips, warm and calloused, brush over her temple. The stray, lanky hair that had been plastered to her forehead, tickling her brow and her nose, is brushed back and tucked behind her ears.

“Hold on,” the same person says, and something clicks or beeps beside her ear. She hadn’t thought of her wrists and hands yet, had only registered them being as weighed down as the rest of her. Now, she’s minutely aware of the tender clasp around her left wrist – a dry, warm steadiness that makes her joints ache painfully.

Eleanor wants to wiggle, wants to shake, wants to fucking jerk her arms and legs about until everything pops back into feeling, but she can’t. Something from inside must be conveyed outside, some twitch or snarl of frustration, because the warm hand gently turns her wrist. Unfamiliar (familiar) fingers slide and brush against her pulse before settling into a new position: her own hand cradled in a larger one, while a thumb that’s not hers gently strokes the tops of her knuckles.

The next sound feels like a land mine detonated in a pocket of silence. A heavy door opens with the force of five hundred hangovers, followed by heels clicking sharply and smartly against a linoleum floor. Rustling fabric, a pen clicking, a folder being dropped down onto a table surface all has her wincing, as if it’s been amplified right by her fucking ear.

Her companion does not let go of her hand, but he grips it until his thumb is a firm, anxious pressure that presses on the space between her ring finger and pinky.

“Is she in pain? She looks—“

Eleanor doesn’t catch the rest of it, but the voice has only picked up in volume, a little, harried but direct. Whatever answer the new body has, she doesn't hear it. 

Amidst the skull-splitting pain that pulsates from her crown down to the rest of her, like a tree suddenly struck by lighting, she registers only one thing: a dry press of lips against her fingers, solemn and unbearably present sensation, before she’s swarmed by other voices and sounds.

******************

Eleanor is only catching every fifth word that is coming out of the woman’s mouth. The ice chips had alleviated the fuzziness on her tongue, but it hadn’t fixed what was wrong in her head.

Her head.

Words like damage, injury, sustained bleeding,

The wailing in her ears had subsided, a bit, since the last time she was awake. It was now a low, thrumming pitch in the back of her mind, like a loud fluorescent light bulb in an office space. She can ignore it, after a while, but it’s there.

Other things that are very much there and present: the man.

******************

Her eyes drift towards his hand, the one that’s not holding her own – long fingers woven loosely to catch her own, between the gauze and IV line – where it rests on his knee. She's not sure what the glimmer is, at first, until she realizes it's two gold bands on one hand, a comically smaller one slipped onto his pinky. 

“Ah,” her eyes drift back up of their own accord to watch the way his brows furrow, mouth open in thought, “I thought it’d be better if I kept it, in case the tests and the machines…”

His mouth purses into a thin line, which only emphasizes the ones carved into the corners of his mouth and his eyes even more – he looks like the type that would frown a lot, Eleanor thinks. He seemed like the bookish-type that would have resting bitch face while deep in thought; a heavy oak desk with a tiffany lamp and a pen tipped in gold wouldn’t be out of place in a room with him, or a really fancy fucking wall of degrees and a sharp suit.

Her shameless eyes stray towards his thin lips, the defined line of his jaw, skipping back to the worn crinkles in his skin.

There’s a lot of something to him that seems to command the presence of whatever space he occupies. The corner he occupies wraps around him like a well-tailored jacket – even in his unassuming navy and pale blue.

 Well, she revises her thoughts; he looked like he might laugh a lot, too. Eleanor bets he laughs with his mouth wide open, or smiles to show nearly all his teeth.

He wasn’t laughing now, of course. Given the circumstances.

******************

He is a man-shaped absence in her memory – she of the forgetful faces and even more forgetful names has seemingly forgotten her own husband, spouse, and partner-- legally bound tax accomplice, all of the above. Michael.

He’s got a face made for

He does a funny

Oh.

It didn’t quite top the discovery of waking up in a hospital bed with potential brain damage, but Eleanor is quite sure of one thing. She’s willing to stake money on it, no matter how out of character or divergent he is from her history:

this man is her husband.

Which, great – wow, whoa and every other questionable w-sound.

Hadn’t thought you had it in you girl, Eleanor thinks. She takes another second, ten, fifteen, a minute, to look appreciatively up and down.

******************

She’s not sure if the muscles in her face contort into the expression of surprise like the light bulb that’s gone off in her head – her jaw is still a little slack and her eyes are slow to blink. He might not have noticed, in between one second and the next, how utterly thrown off she is.

******************

It doesn’t look like a fake; Eleanor has seen a lot of fake gold jewelry in her time to know the difference. It’s beautiful in the way that all the ostentatious rings she would pick for herself would not be. She keeps turning her hand this way and that, until one of the nurses asks if she's having wrist pain. 

Despite protests, a tall nurse with too much arm hair pushes her in a wheelchair towards the curb where a burgundy crossover idles.

“Hopefully we won’t see you too soon,” Gary, Gerry, Gerald – or whatever – his name is, says cheerfully. She squints up at him, and he falters. Eleanor supposes that one good thing about being brain damaged was she now had a legitimate reason to forget people’s names.

******************

The good news: if she had woken up too brain damaged to remember her own name, Michael would have fixed that problem easily—it would have been two minutes, tops. She’s pretty sure he says her name more than he uses any other noun or pronoun.

(Which, by the way, the fact that she still has a basic grasp of grammar makes her, again, want to keep track for curiosity’s sake what her loopy brain has decided to keep and discard. She’d stared at the red plastic dome on her hospital plate before, after a pronounced beat, Michael had reached across and pulled the foil top off of her gelatin.)

******************

It just sounds funny – something in her brain itches like a scab underneath a cast, present but unreachable. The way he says her name. It’s been her name for over three decades, so she knows what Eleanor sounds like, usually, coming out of other people’s mouths (when they’re coming, even!). Even knows what it sounds like sung in different accents, thanks to that fucking song.

(All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Fuck. Her brain couldn’t have erased that?)

******************

It’s not the porch that surprises her; it’s the honest-to-god porch swing, pale wicker and decorated with springtime cushions. That throws her for a loop; breaks a little part of her brain that isn’t already struggling to function.

(“This…. This broke me.”)

(Something tickles her brain, there, too, but it’s gone.)

It’s a good porch, too. The kind that doesn’t fully wrap around the house, but gives enough room for someone to day drink and – ah, there it is, the little tea table that would be beside the—the ___________. She grasps for the word, shapeless and vague. It’s blurry in her head, the thing she’s thinking about also blurry and distant. Her mouth puckers in a frown.

Michael rolls the car to a commercial perfect stop. Eleanor still jerks in her seat. He unbuckles his seat belt and bounds around to her side, opening the door before she’s even lifted a hand to pop it.

“Here, let me-“

She wonders how often she’s let him do anything, in contrast to allowing him to – her hand moves to rest on the release of the seat belt, staking territory.

Her stomach does one, two, slow flops – a fat pancake turned by an amateur line cook.

******************

She doesn’t need an entire love story’s memory to make an easy conclusion, not when Michael’s eyes sweep across her face with a slow, longing softness while his mouth twitches, again, as if it has something to say he won’t let it:

Michael is in love with her.

Eleanor thinks this should be a good thing, if they’re married, but the conclusion settles uncomfortably on top of her chest – it doesn’t sink in, doesn’t settle into a slot of rightness, and she ignores the feeling of disappointment.

Stupid of her, honestly, to think this observation was all it would take to remember why Michael is in love with her. Or how Michael is in love with her.

(What Michael is in love with.)

******************

They have a cat. She doesn’t know why this is something that trips her up, but it does. She’d nearly tripped up on it, literally, when the thing had slunk up to rub itself against her legs, making figure eights around her legs and Michael’s. Michael had nearly stepped on its tail, foot stopping just before contact as if compelled by muscle memory or a glitch in the system.

“Oh,” he hisses, fumbling with the duffel bag, complementary hospital pillow (the socks she’d decided to “wear out” as she’d joked at the nurse, wiping drool from the corner of her mouth), and reusable water bottles, in his arms, “Vicky, stop.”

“Vicky?”

She hopes she hadn't been the one to name it. Vicky sounds like a bitchy girl name, and in Eleanor Shellstrop's book of past experiences she could confirm this. Twice.

Michael gives up on trying to carry everything into …wherever, instead dumping his load onto the love seat in an adjourning room.

Her fingers trail along the table in the entryway, eyes flickering up to give the large, round mirror at eye-level a glance before she’s turning away. She’s pale as a ghost in this strange grey-blue home.

There’s a kitchen island with real, actual stools that swivel plus a wooden dining table with upholstered chairs. She wants to hiss at how excessive it is – eating a bowl of cereal over a dirty sink was enough for her for years – but she bites her tongue. A voice in the back of her head asks if maybe she had picked some of these, had selected them herself. You don’t build a home for two from only one person’s purchases.

“What would you like first, Eleanor?” His expression is hopefulness strained through a sieve. He doesn’t seem to realize how he leans towards her, curves his entire, tall being to look down at her. “Anything you want, just- just let me know. If you’re hungry, I could fix us a snack before you’re due for your next round of meds.”

It should feel annoying and towering, claustrophobic, but instead, looking upwards at him, she feels watched. Seen. It’s an uncomfortable feeling for someone who has always depended on being able to grift just under the radar, but it also isn’t unpleasant.

His hands are pressed together, fingertips touching, long and lean, like prayer.

“Can I just lay down for a bit?”

Michael’s expression softens. “Of course, Eleanor.”

And he offers his hand, palm upturned, as if the hallway was some long, arduous passage instead of a short walk towards a few doors or a climb up the stairs. Eleanor’s hands are so small in his, but his fingers wrap around hers like old acquaintances—hers have forgotten the intricacies of where to go, his have not forgotten her shape and his thumb brushes, familiar, across her knuckles like hello.

It is a warm and dry hold, and what Eleanor has managed to scrape, glean, and covertly steal in her observations about Michael all lead to the conclusion that this is a good descriptor, the most basic, for Michael himself: warm and dry, like Arizona, but the postcard worthy-parts, not the dumpster fire, trash-bag parts that made her.

At the foot of the stairs he pauses, one hand on the rail, the other holding her hand lifted in the air like a debutante. Something flickers, for a moment, and Eleanor imagines a tall, dark woman in a gown and evening gloves, of all things, poised at the foot of the stairs as if to give a toast. She blinks and the image is gone.

“You know,” Michael says, looking up. His brows furrow. “Maybe we should use the guest room downstairs instead. Avoid the stairs.”

“No,” she says, surprising herself. “I want my room.”

******************

She gives the pillow a sniff, leaning down until her nose brushes against the cotton.

Yeah. That’s her. It smells like the scent of her hair, a little to the left of unwashed and greasy. Faint, but there.

There’s stray, blonde strands of hair that curl, pale and almost invisible, in the space where the pillow had been just before—like sunny, thin worms caught only in a certain slant of light.

Eleanor is playing excavation isn’t she? She is rooting around, examining and putting together all these clues left behind for a relationship, a love; building some semblance of understanding for the ghost of a woman—is she an anthropologist? Or is this a forensic-type investigation?

Is Eleanor Shellstrop dead?

She’s here but not here—the pictures and the gold band around her finger tell her these are her memories but they’re not. Her dumb lizard brain hasn’t ______ it out yet.

Oh. Another word that’s fallen through her fingers before she’s even remembered it.

It feels wrong to roll around, smell, and sleep in someone else’s marriage bed—it’s not the first time she’s done it, but it’s never been her bed.

What other intimacies can she find just sitting in the small-person-shaped dip of this bed? She doesn’t think about the dead flakes or skin, but she breaths deeply and her body nearly lurches into that place between awake and sleep—the familiar smell of bed that can only belong to ones own so strong.

The pillows on this side are fat and soft, just the way she likes them. She knows her head would sink into an orgy of clouds if she were to flop down now. It is tempting to do exactly what she had told Michael she wanted to do.

Eleanor resists—there’s another side to explore, still.

******************

It is during one of these days, where she rolls around on the bed (their bed) like a dog left unsupervised in an empty home, that a thought strikes her. It strikes her so suddenly and with a force that she has to press the palm of her hand to her temple, eyes wincing—

Dummy.

What’s under the bed?

She’d been thorough examining the faint layers of dust coating boxes and folds of laundry on the higher shelves, where someone like Michael would keep his things, that she hadn’t thought to drop below to see where someone like her—past Eleanor, GSTGSD-Eleanor, might have hidden and holed away her own treasure.

The only thing she finds, disappointingly, is a shoe caddy with shoes as big as her head, some dust bunnies, and a laptop still charging. 

******************

Vicky the cat goes downstairs into the basement on a daily basis, almost always for half an hour to one, and cries for attention. It’s a bizarre, attention-seeking, and almost resentful performance and, despite being dead ass annoying, Eleanor can relate. What a mood, right?

******************

Forgotten your password? She clicks it.

The prompt doesn’t help at all: you know it, bitch!!

What? Why would she do that to herself? Except, that is so on brand for her and Eleanor hates, hates, hates Eleanor (herself) and loves Eleanor (herself) and hates Eleanor (herself).

She scowls, flexing her fingers. Vicky takes this opportunity to leap into her lap, tail high and crooked for attention, with her unabashed asshole right in Eleanor’s face.

fuckyou! She types, exasperated; before clicking enter, she scowls and adds an extra exclamation mark for good measure—using two exclamations is just enough to push something over the edge, enough to look off balanced, but three would be too much. She wants to send the right amount of recalcitrant bastard to her past self. And if she’s only got one log-in attempt before the laptop bricks, then, fine. Fuck you, GSTGSD Eleanor Shellstrop.

The little ball whirrs for a moment, before the screen flickers, the desktop loading in seconds.

******************

end thoughts: haha okay so I haven’t watched TGP for a hot minute, not since that finale broke me. but I legit don’t recall what GSTGSD stands for (if that’s a show ref) so fuck, haha, help me out here past-adrie. if there’s interest in this I’ll continue it. 

[vulnera-sanentura]

Cats, Chronic Kidney Disease, and More Food Controversy

Let’s start from the beginning: what is chronic kidney disease?

Chronic kidney disease (CKD) is a progressive disease of lost renal function. It’s a very common cause of death in cat’s over 14 years old. Kittens are born with 100% function of their kidneys, but as they age, function slowly decreases leading to clinical signs. This can be distinguished from acute kidney injury (AKI) by multiple factors, but the main difference is that CKD is an almost inevitable consequence of age, while AKI can happen at any age, and usually has an inciting factor like trauma or a bad infection.

Renal disease is classified into 4 stages, IRIS stages, based on bloodwork levels of 3 waste products: SDMA, BUN, and creatinine.

Stage 1 & 2: often no clinical signs, very early to early renal disease

Stage 3: can see polyuria and polydipsia (increased thirst and urination), decreased appetite, weight loss, and lethargy as creatinine rises in the blood

Stage 4: usually very sick! Poor to absent appetite, rapid weight loss, very lethargic and anti-social, and often extremely dehydrated

Protein requirements of cats

Cats are obligate carnivores, unlike dogs which are facultative carnivores, and this is reflected in their protein requirements! Cats generally require approximately 34% protein or more on a dry matter basis (I’ll touch on dry matter vs crude protein that at the end) to maintain lean muscle mass, or they begin to metabolize it for energy (LaFlamme & Hannah, 2013; Salauq, 2016).

As cats age, they need more protein in their diet! As cats age (greater than 12 years old), the absorptive abilities of their digestive system wane so they need an almost overload of protein to help their gut absorb enough: at lowest 40% protein and up to 50% protein. Due to the decreased absorption they also have an increased fat requirement (>20%), especially omega fatty acids, and supplemental B vitamins, especially B12 are recommended (Sparkes, 2011; LaFlamme & Gunn-Moore, 2014).

So what’s the controversy?

In renal disease, the kidneys are less able to filter out waste products the body makes, leading them to overload the body and make the animal sick. Many of these waste products, including BUN and creatinine, are created from the breakdown of proteins: either in muscle or in food. (Fun fact: intensely muscled horses may have high creatinine just due to the immense amount of muscle they have, while conversely very skinny, atrophied animals will have lower). Protein also contains high levels of phosphorus, which can be detrimental to cats with kidney disease.

The main thought behind the low-protein renal diets is to not overload the animal’s kidneys with excess protein and make them sicker.

However, Dr Gary Norsworthy, one of the leading feline specialists, recommends a high protein diet to all cats but those in the latest stages of CKD. Why?

Hyperthyroidism, diabetes, and GI disease, 3 of the most common diseases in senior cats, can all lead to muscle wasting

Starting cats out with a restricted protein diet that may have these diseases in hopes of preventing/stalling CKD would likely only cause even further atrophy, especially since senior cats already have decreased protein absorption.

The important clinical goals of managing early (IRIS 1 & 2) CKD are:

Maintain hydration! Kidneys love water, and keeping kitties hydrated can prevent or slow degradation of the kidneys. - water fountains, wet food, Purina Hydracare, IV/sub-Q fluids 

Maintain normal phosphorus levels. Hyperphosphatemia directly correlates to an increased mortality in both human and feline patients with CKD - low phosphate diets, phosphate binders

Control other risk factors, like hypertension and hypokalemia

Very high blood pressures can further damage the kidneys (like “spraying a fire hose on a delicate filter”)

If you control these factors, high protein should not be an issue for cats with early CKD

Norsworthy is generally against traditional renal diets in cats, which often have 23-27% protein, below the threshold of muscle wasting in cats! (As a note: Hill’s K/D has only slightly lower protein in it than their standard adult food: 30% in K/D, 34% in K/D early care, and 36% in adult. Purina NF is still following a more restricted protein diet at 26%, but their NF early care is 34%)

Restricted protein will lower BUN and creatinine, which may be giving clinicians a false sense of security that the renal disease has been controlled (also lowers phosphorus, but that can usually be controlled without lowering protein)

Another fun fact: cats on high protein diets (Like Dr Elsey’s which has 59% protein) will often have an above-threshold BUN, but is not an indicator of renal function! Just their diet.

There’s also little evidence to support protein restriction in cats! Many studies on low protein are extrapolated out of other species, and cats aren’t small dogs, or small humans. They need their own studies!

In advanced kidney disease (IRIS 3 & 4), the greatest challenge to maintaining quality of life in these cats is food intake. Remember, the increased severity of kidney disease often leads to loss of appetite and subsequent weight loss, and these poor cats end up wasting away to skin and bones. Increased weight loss and muscle atrophy correlates to a shorter lifespan in senior cats (Sherk, “Skinny Old Cats”). However, cats prefer eating high protein diets over low protein! So to keep their weight and muscle from decreasing, a higher protein, increased palatability diet is recommended.

What about in severe renal disease cases?

Norsworthy recommends in IRIS 4 cats with uremia (high BUN) and hyperphosphatemia that cannot be controlled by other means, only then should protein be restricted, and only to 30-38% protein, and only if the cat will eat enough to meet caloric needs. 

**Dry matter vs crude protein: Important when feeding wet food, as crude protein is in relation to everything in the food including the water, so wet foods may look insanely low in protein when in fact they’re just high in water! There’s math to figure it out, but I think this is long enough as is

[falcorskeeper-blog]

Check out this listing I just added to my Poshmark closet: EHOB Foot WAFFLE Custom Heel Elevator One Size Inflatable Reusable Pressure-free.

[polandspringz]

POL pol pol polpolpol you should write... Everyone finding a way to hug Chase and them just having a huge cuddle pile and Chase being inexplicably happy

This took over a year to write. I hope you enjoy…

You’re All Flying High, But I’m Drowning Down Below

After four years of no sensations, you couldn’t really blameChase for forgetting to tell the team.

Although there had been instances when he had been removedfrom the tank to correct the placement of an IV or for cleaning, due to thepresence of the nanotech lying dormant in his body, those instances were alwaysvery brief and fleeting. To keep his body stable outside of the safecontainment of the tank while they worked for long periods of time, Dr. Wellerfrequently administered amnesia to Chase. In some ways, it was a welcomesensation. The numbing was a pathway to sleep he could no longer achieve on hisown but, that numbness always seemed to come too fast and too soon.

As the tank was drained of fluid and opened, sometimes, Chasefound himself wishing he could hold on for just a moment longer. But, hiseyelids always closed just as Dr. Weller and Caliban’s hands brushed past todisconnect his body from the supports, and he felt nothing.

Chase was certain he still could feel. He had lostthree of his limbs when his interceptor crashed and the wreckage tore throughhis flesh, giving the nanotech a clean entry to chew up his muscles and feastoff his nervous system, but he wasn’t paralyzed. He could still move his leftarm, and he knew that there was something that rushed past his skin whenhe raised it up to tap the glass. It was heavy at first, and it made hismovements slow as he swam through it, but other than that, there was nothingdistinct for him to connect a feeling to.

Along the way, he must have become numb to it.

The amniotic fluid that filled the tank, he could onlyvaguely remember the cold feeling of it the first time he woke up suspended init. Now, it had simply become mundane. His body treated the liquid pushing onall sides of him no different than how the rest of humanity regarded the milesof atmosphere that tried to crush them with pressure. Perhaps, he would havebecome truly comfortable living the rest of his life inside the tank, treatingit as natural as his life before it, had he not experienced the freedom hishologram and Holon gave him.

When he was still learning how to upload, and his Holon wasstill in early stages of design, his hologram was all he had to ground him withhis old self. He still wielded control over four limbs in his avatar, and as hetook a midnight stroll around the Experimental Science Unit’s headquarters twoweeks after being overwhelmed with information and choices, he foundhimself struggling to grapple with the reality that three of them were gone.

He had mixed into the main lab, facing his body in theprototype tank while everyone else slept. Weller had performed surgery for daysto save his life, and probably would have continued had his assistants notdemanded he take a break. They had cut off the infected limbs and sealed themup with metal plates to keep the nanotech that was in from spilling out.It wasn’t hard to look at the body that was floating in the tank. What was hardwas calling it his own. With his hologram’s face reflecting off the glass ofthe tank, his artificial image overlaying the new reality of himself, it washard to accept and believe that he was looking at himself, and not anunfinished clone of himself.

But, the Doc had said cloning was still far out of reach-even with regeneration being the solution to almost every war injury today- andneither were an option for Chase with that damn nanotech occupying more of hisbody than his own cells. Frustrated, he shut his eyes and banged his hologram’sfist against the tank, the pixels scrambling as they came in contact with ascreenless surface. A buzz went through Chase’s hand as the pixels rejected themotion. He froze.

He did it again. Another buzz. He reached forward and triedto push his entire arm through the tank to the other side into the fluid. Theprojection denied it, but Chase’s entire arm, his right arm, that should begone, was alight with that buzz.

He fell to his knees, both fists sliding down the front ofthe tank as he collapsed at the base. His artificial chest began to rapidlyrise and fall as his shoulders shook, and he clattered the tank with bothhands, forcing a rhythm of that buzzing sensation to build as he struggled tobreathe.

It was still there. He could still feel it. He couldstill feel.

At least in this form…

It’s not enough.

The lifeless, nanotech host with Chase’s face remained asmotionless as a corpse in the tank as bubbles rose to the surface. But, slowlythe displays on the monitors connected to the body began to flash and scream,and suddenly the room was dyed in red emergency lights instead of the calmingblue, but Chase couldn’t find it in himself to care. He kept slamming againstthe tank, frustratedly trying to make that buzzing sensation stronger andstronger.

He wanted to feel the soreness of his skin as his fistswelled with the repeated blows. He wanted to feel the sting rushing up hisarm, his right arm. He wanted to feel it frustrating his brain, angerand aggression as it demanded him to stop, but all he got was the faint buzzesas pixels moved aside and reformed the hands around the glass blocking theirway.

Footsteps pounded down the hall and there was a loud clangas the automatic doors were punched in and opened up- Caliban speeding up theemergency override by breaking them in as Weller jumped inside with two otherscientists hot on his heels.

“It’s his heart rate! The nanotech might have activatedagain and started-” Doc cut himself off as he saw the crumpled hologram on thefloor. His arm slowly fell, lowering out of where he was pointing for theassistants to go and instead, without glancing away from Chase, commanded, “Go.”

“Dr. Weller, but-” He raised his hand in a ‘stop’ motion,eyes still locked on Chase.

“It’s not the nanotech. I can handle it. Please, return toyour rooms,” he smiled before folding his arms behind his back and stridingtowards Chase, “Some of us should get sleep tonight. Tell the rest of theemergency team to rest too. False alarm.”

The two assistants stared at their boss for a moment beforethey shrugged and made their way back through the doorway and into theelevator. Dr. Weller stopped when he was standing right behind Chase, and spokesoftly.

“Caliban, please cancel the emergency alert and close thedoors, please.”

There was shifting as shuffling as the android moved aroundthe lab, the lights eventually fading back to the soft blue as he finishedsending off the cancelation. Then, he went to folding the doors back into theframe and realigning them on their automatic track. When the lab was quietagain, Chase finally spoke.

“Doc,” his hologram whispered with a broken voice, “I knowwhat you said earlier but… will I be… stuck in there forever?”

With his head bowed, Chase missed seeing Dr. Weller’s facecrumpling with guilt as he pulled his glasses off his face and pinched thebridge of his nose, shutting his sunken-in, shadowed eyes as he forced hisheadache to dull before slipping back on his spectacles and a reassuring smile.

“Oh, Julian,” he soothed, kneeling down behind the youngman, one hand settling down on the other’s shoulder, “I swear to you, I will doeverything I can to help you.”

Chase’s hologram shut his eyes. Inside the tank, somethingshiny materialized under Chase’s eye for just a second before it was swept upby the current and rose to the surface in a bubble, glittering like a pearl asit disappeared.

** 

It took many months for things to change.

But, like Doc had promised, they did.

It was still before the Anvil, before the rest of the worldknew about gen:LOCK’s existence, and it was just when he was beginning toregain the feeling of having a family. He thought he had lost itcompletely in the Battle of New York, but now it had been almost a year sinceChase had met Yasamin, and he felt like he had gained a sister again. She wasno Dri, but he didn’t mind.

If you asked him what got the ball rolling, Chase wouldpoint to the night that he and Doc stayed up late in an effort to comfort Yazafter her Holon had very nearly been swiped by the Union. It was supposed tohave been a small raid they were intercepting, but they had more resources thanthe Polity base that requested the help had anticipated. Chase was standingnext to her, and while the Doc was speaking to her calmly, hugging her tightand telling her that no one was going to take her away from them, shehad turned towards Chase and reached out to try and bring him into the embracetoo, but stopped when her hand cut straight through.

He chuckled and brushed it off, but Yaz seemed dissatisfied.That was what sparked the question:

“Would I be able to touch him if he was outside of the tank?”

Chase’s answer was, “Of course, I’m not a ghost, you know.”

To which Yaz punched through the hologram’s face, sendingChase’s pixels out of alignment as he fake-gasped as they reformed. Doc pulledher arm back and calmed her down, reassuring her that Chase was only trying tobe the funny guy because it’s a sensitive topic, I’m sure he would rather wenot discuss this now.

Chase didn’t see any reason to avoid it. Once he wasrealigned again, he just shrugged, “I don’t mind. We can talk about it.”

So they did. It was obvious that others’ could touch Chase’sbody outside of the tank, so long as the nanotech remained dormant andthey were assured of that. Although Caliban could handle making repairsto the tank alone, Weller insisted on doing it because he was stubborn andrefused to let Caliban bumble around while he shouted orders from behindprotective glass. Although, Chase had overheard many phone calls with theColonel that insisted he do otherwise. But, there was still no guarantee thatChase would feel anything from the experience.

Still, Yasamin confided in the two of them-

“I would like to touch him. At least once. To know that heis real.”

Doc smiled, “Then, you can assist me the next time we do acheck up. Perhaps we can run some tests while we are at it. See if he registersany feeling.”

“Sounds good to me,” Chase said.

But, when he got in his Holon one day after weeks of seeingthe Doc slave over mysterious upgrades, nothing prepared him for the experienceof feeling wind rushing over him. He could feel it pushing him back,buffeting underneath the armour of his helmet as if it had a real face and notmetal. He had almost short circuited, and Yasamin herself seemed surprised atthe new sensations, and was bombarding the Doctor with questions over theirchannel. She ran past Chase with a confused expression, but any snap abouttelling him to hurry up died as she felt the wind rush through the hangaragain.

“You can feel it?”

“Yes. Yes! It’s-”

“Cold, right?”

“Yes! This is California though, I thought it would bewarmer?”

“Go outside!” Yaz gestured and Chase ran ahead of her,skidding to a stop as he stopped on the concrete runway.

A beautiful cerulean horizon line stretched out before him,just beyond the gray of the ESU’s training grounds. The ocean was rough today,crashing hard against the side of the raised base, and Chase wanted to run atit, jump straight on in and plunge. He had been trapped in liquid every day,but this was different, this water he would feel, he would feel thechill of it, feel the rush of bubbles and air flying around him. He took a stepforward, but a hand caught a hold of him and he was jerked to a stop.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get your hopes up,” Yazwhispered, but Chase didn’t let it bother him. He was brought back to realitywhen he saw her armored robotic hand on his own manufactured arm. He smiled ather as they met each other’s gaze in the mindframe.

“Don’t worry about it, Yaz. My brain’s in here right now, soit wouldn’t be a good idea to fry everything if we don’t have a backup.Besides,” her body floated to stand beside him, “I can feel the seabreeze again. I forgot what that was like.”

“New York is by water too, is it not?” Her Holon let go ofhim and followed him to look into the distance.

“Yes, but I lived deeper into the city. You would only tastethe ocean air if you lived right next to it, but Mom always took me and Dri duringthe summer. One time, we even drove down to New Jersey for the beaches.Whenever we went over the bridges, Dri would stick her head out the windowbecause she didn’t want to wait to smell it.”

Yaz shifted, “Can you smell it?”

Chase tried, “Not yet. I’m assuming there is a lot more thathas to go into that, right, Doc?”

As if on cue, the Doctor’s hologram materialized a few waysin front of them, “Unfortunately for you Julian, yes. It may take a long time,but I am confident by the time we reach that point we will have come so farwith gen:LOCK and our research about nanotech that we will remove it from yourbody so we can regenerate you fully.”

The older man folded his arms behind his back and, turningto face both of his recruits, beamed at them with the sun shining on his face.Chase had to admit that, at the time, he did feel some fondness and gratitudetowards the man, who had become somewhat like a father to him with all of histime and dedication focused on helping him. Chase spread his arms out as thecurrent whipped up another cold wave of air, letting it buffet him, and hewished he had wings again so he could soar through the sky and push through theair, creating sensations all over him without having to wait for each rush ofwind.

“Chase,” Yasamin’s voice was quiet again, and she wasfidgeting, eyes cast downward even though they were the only two things in themindframe’s visuals, “Do you think that… since we can share our minds in here…If we sync up, you might be able to feel something too?”

Chase stiffened, but forced another white smile to adorn hisface, “You don’t have to force yourself Yaz, but thank you. I’m fine with justright now.”

“It wouldn’t be forcing me- I thought you would like a hugor-” but Chase was already floating away, his Holon started to move towards thetraining course.

“Don’t worry about it, Yaz. This is actually too much stimulationfor me right now. Having nerves again? I must be burning through my uptimealready! Let’s go.”

He heard Yasamin hesitate, but soon her Holon was clamberingafter him, heavy feet pounding upon the ground as they left Dr. Weller waitingby the dock. If he had anything to say about this, he kept his mouth shut.Chase was thankful for that.

**

“What do you mean he can’t feel anything?” Cammie gesturedtowards his tank even though his hologram was standing beside her, “How longhas he been like this?”

“About four years,” Dr. Weller said, spinning around in hischair.

“It’s fine, Cammie. I’ve gotten used to it by now.”

“He can feel things when he is inside his Holon. Ispecifically added that feature in to help him interact with the physicalworld. Unfortunately, that’s why the rest of you can feel pain when somethinghappens to your Holon body too.”

Doc’s voice dropped at that last sentence. Cammie’s mechhaving its head ripped off was still fairly recent, but whether the girlignored it or just didn’t pick up on the implication, she breezed right pastit.

“But it’s not the same right? Our Holons are too clunky toeven hug you! You mean your hologram doesn’t feel anything?”

Cammie’s expertly aimed poke missed as Chase teleported tothe other side of Yasamin, and the girl just doubled her efforts and chargedhim until Valentina caught her by the scruff of her collar.

“Nope. You’re all just registering as little buzzes to mybrain. But, it’s cool.” He tried to put on his most reassuring smile for theyoungest member. She seemed to buy it after a minute of scrutiny, and droppedthe conversation.

He should have put more effort into making Valentina andKazu believe it, but he didn’t think they really cared enough to do something.

Until training happened.

It was the same mix of group exercises- trying to get pastthe Vanguard, obstacle courses for Cammie to acclimate better to movement, andsparring- but everyone was acting out of sorts, at least to Chase it seemed.Yaz seemed to talk to him more during training, although normally she wassilent as she soloed her way, charging through the maze before stealing theflag. Her and Chase had been working together in the program for so long, theydidn’t need mindshare or communication to read each other’s movements, or asshe liked to put it-

“-to understand you’re going to do something stupid, eventhough it will probably work.”

Today though, Chase’s music stream was interrupted just ashe made a sick shot into the hoop after charging up the cliffside with thebasketball to avoid Kazu. Yasamin’s voice cut in through his feed, even as shewas in the middle of fighting Valentina in the ring.

“How are you feeling? You’re not doing those tricks just toburn through your uptime, right?”

The ball swished through the net and Chase lowered his armsdown as he skidded back down the rocks. The lenses of his Holon’s eyes meshedtogether as the lights dimmed as he sighed.

“You know we aren’t on a private network. Everyone can hearthis conversation, you really wanna talk about this right now?”

Kazu, who was bumbling after the runaway ball, stopped as hepicked it up, glancing over at Chase who was stopped at the base of the cliff.Valentina’s head looked up as Yasamin’s voice came over their channel, eventhough the yellow Holon continued an onslaught of strikes.

“Of course I know it’s not private. Everyone has beenlistening to your playlist for the past hour. Turn it down, please.”

“Fine, fine. But guys,” Chase said, “can you give us someprivacy?”

“Kind of hard to do when you’re all talking so loud!” Cammiecalled out from where she was on the grounds. Last Chase had seen, Miranda wasmaking her do more jumping exercises across the courtyard to get more used tosnapping from low to high in the Holon.

“Well, you heard ‘em, Yaz. Let’s save this conversation forlater. Kazu! Let’s go another round!”

Yaz sighed over the channel, “I was just checking to- Woah!”

Valentina’s right hand suddenly jutted out in a cross,Yasamin ducked out of the way in time and the fist soared cleanly past and overYasamin’s shoulder. Before she regained her bearings though, Valentina circledthe arm above Yaz’s head to hover above her other shoulder, gripping it tightlybefore their left hand came up and slammed her in the jaw, knocking her to theside like a ragdoll.

She slammed into the sides of the ring and instinctivelyclutched the jaw of the helmet as she glanced up at the purple Holon stalkingover to her.

“He told you to shut up, let’s leave them to their game.Besides, you need to keep your eyes on me.”

Yasamin pushed herself to her feet and lunged for Valentina’slegs with a shout, invigorated.

“So, kyoudai,” Kazu said as he spun the ball, “Wantto start playing fair?”

“Come on man,” Chase laughed, “You could’ve chased me upthere? Why not use some uptime to increase your speed?”

“Nah, I’m not meant for those crazy jumps and flips. Iprefer sticking close to the ground.”

Kazu punctuated his statement by jogging over to Chase, hisHolon’s heavy steps slamming into the dirt and kicking up dust as he boundedforward. He clasped one hand on Chase’s shoulder as he dropped the basketballinto the other’s palm.

“Now, let’s play something I’m good at, likebaseball.”

Chase’s brain stilled as he felt the weight of Kazu’s handagainst his shoulder. Kazu himself seemed startled when he felt Chase’sapprehension in the mindframe. To him though, his fingers just curled over theheavy armor, then pulled off suddenly when he felt the other stall. It wasn’tawkward, just surprising. Kazu’s hand floated above Chase’s shoulder, and thenhe narrowed his eyes, and slowly placed it back down.

Warm. The Holons were machines, and there was always thechance of overheating, but the heat from underneath the armor was different. Itwas present, radiating. Their armor sets were exactly the same, save for Chaseand Yaz’s having a few enhancements, and Kazu had dusted off his shoulders manytimes to clean off the dirt that piled up whenever Valentina used him as alaunchpad, but this felt different. Underneath his armor, it was just him, butunderneath this armor…

He patted Chase on the shoulder twice, before giving him astrong squeeze. The blocky fingers of the Holon skeleton were much larger thanhis own, and Chase’s mecha body was much, much different than his body insidethe tank. But, Kazu smiled.

So this is what Chase felt like.

“Come on, before the Colonel finds out.”

Chase breathed again as Kazu’s hand slipped away, and he letout a sigh he had been holding in before turning around to chase after theolder man.

“She’s gonna have Doc’s head if your swing breaks anotherstrider!”

**

A few days later, they all were lined up practicing theirshooting. Valentina slowly crept away from their spot, waltzing behind thegroup before their fingers trailed across Chase’s back. The armor dulled thesense, but Chase still flinched and missed the shot. Yaz fired her shot andglanced over at him, confused, but stopped when she saw Valentina creepingbehind him. She turned back to firing, but listened as Valentina’s voice cameover the channel.

“Would you perhaps be up for a spar?”

“You? Missing firing practice?” Chase quipped.

“I may like to slink off on my own, yes. However, having tostand around and shoot is no fun at all. Besides, the Vanguard wants me to workon my teamwork abilities, so why not?”

“Not really sure it counts as teamwork if you’re beating meinto the ground.”

“It will be a good chance to get to know each other. I feelas though we rarely have spoken outside of the team. Kazu is fun to play with,but I grow bored of his predictable movements.”

Kazu shot too high towards the sky, and the bullet clippedthe side of one of the building’s roofs, “Hey!”

“Ugh, just go, Chase,” Yaz said, exasperated, “If two keepon distracting everyone, nothing will get done.”

“Oh! Can we all come watch?” Cammie asked.

Chase looked towards one of the cameras, “Are we good totake a break, Doc?”

Inside the lab, Dr. Weller pulled away from a series ofblueprints he was writing on, to glance at the five Holons staring at him. Hewaved his hand dismissively even though they could not see him.

“Yes, yes! Go have fun. I trust the Vanguard to superviseif anyone tries to modulate their fear response again. Cammie.”

“Oh come off it, will ya? I haven’t done anything like thatsince!”

“You heard him,” Valentina said, and placed their hand backon Chase’s back just to trace it along the width of it before slipping awayagain, “Let’s go.”

The fight went as Chase expected. Sure, he had moreexperience than their new teammates, but Valentina was always an enigma. Eveninside a closed ring and with bodies so big, they found ways to hide, to sneakunderneath Chase, and stealthily land him in a chokehold before tossing him tothe ground. It was frustrating to be shown up in front of all his old friends,as even Migas had mixed into the courtyard with his hologram to watch thefight, but there was something more nerve wracking that kept stealing Chase’sattention.

Valentina was touching him.

A lot.

“Knock it off, would you?” He hissed as he dodged anotherswing from them. Valentina stepped back and tilted their head slightly. Hadthey been in their human body, Chase would have seen them raise an eyebrow.

“At what?”

“Touching me.”

“Hand-to-hand combat like this requires touch. I thought youwere aware of that?”

“Don’t mess with me like that. You know what you’re doing.”

Chase pointed a finger at them. The rest of the team sittingnearby looked at each other in confusion. Valentina stared at the accusatoryhand in front of them for a moment before they shrugged and yanked it towardsthem, tugging Chase forward so they could strike him in the middle of the backwith their elbow. Then, they were jumping up and over him, flipping in the areaas they moved behind him to deliver another strike.

Chase felt it again. Their hand dancing over his back as hefell forward. He whipped around, angrily.

“I told you to stop that!” He roared. Valentina stumbledbackwards as Chase suddenly rushed them. Valentina’s legs hit the barssurrounding the ring, and Leon prepared himself to order for Chase to be pulledfrom his Holon, but then Valentina shot their leg out and Chase tripped.Valentina stood up in time and pressed their hand squarely in the center of hischest, and pushed.

Chase fell in the center of his ring, and stared up at them.The harsh sunlight glinted behind Valentina’s head, which with his mechanicaleyes caused no pain, but Valentina’s figure became cloaked in shadows as theywere backlit. Chase could only watch their silhouette as they flexed theirfingers, staring down at their hand.

So this is what Kazu was referring to, Valentinathought. They glanced down at Chase, who somehow looked dumbstruck despite thelimited expressions of the mechanical face.

Valentina reached out a hand to him.

“I apologize for being so rough. Perhaps I did go a littletoo far.”

Chase stared at their hand.

“But, I did get to learn quite a bit about you. Let’s dothis again, sometime. Maybe then, you’ll beat me?”

It took him a moment, but Chase finally smiled at thethought of the challenge. Valentina saw his Holon’s eyes adjust for a moment,the blue light stuttering as if blinking before they glowed brighter once more.Chase reached up and clasped their hand tightly.

“Alright. I won’t go easy on you next time.”

Valentina felt the pulse in their grasp, and pulled him tohis feet.

**

There were more instances after that. Perhaps Chase was justhyperconscious of it, now that everyone seemed to be talking about it more, buthe had to wonder if the team was intentionally going out of their way to touchhis Holon whenever they were uploaded. The number of times he had been sluggedor wrapped in some sort of hug before being suplexed by Kazu suggestedotherwise. Valentina began making more offers to brawl, but they ended all oftheir fights with a handshake now instead of how they normally waltzed overtheir opponents and off the field, much to Yaz and Kazu’s continuedannoyance. Chase knew these little things had to be a result of theconversation they all had, but he decided to let it go. Nothing good came fromhim getting angry about something so small.

Besides, touch was… nice. Even with his hologram, he had noproblems trying to wrap his arm around Migas or even the Doc and Yaz. He couldn’tfeel it, but he knew that the gesture still meant something, and it wouldn’t bethe same with his gigantic robotic arms and their small forms. He couldtechnically touch Yaz with his Holon’s build but, each time he did that, shewould creep closer to him in the mindframe, and he would run away.

But, touch with the other Holons he could handle. Touch wasacceptable. Touch was good, even when Cammie ran up and tackled him as soon asshe got in her Holon as a good morning, afternoon, or evening as thanks forplaying with her in the Ether.

What wasn’t good was when Cammie asked him the sleepquestion.

She had been staying up late apprenticing under the Doc tolearn more about gen:LOCK. While Chase usually stayed in his tank at the end ofa long day, Cammie’s presence made him uneasy, so he let his hologram roamaround a bit more to observe her note-taking and tinkering. There seemed to beno harm to it, as she was mainly working with the armor and mechanical build ofthe mechs themselves, but one day while the Doc’s back was turned to his ownproject, Chase walked by and caught a glimpse of her display blown up with hispersonal data.

“Hey! What the hell is this?”

“Oh, Chase!” She hastily closed the screen, tucking it awayinto the toolbar on the holograph, but Chase reached over and pulled it backout, “I didn’t mean to, I was just-!”

Chase didn’t mind Yaz and Weller discussing his condition.He thought he was fine with the rest of the team knowing too. They were justfacts at this point.

Or so he had been telling himself. But seeing Cammie withall his files on screen made something in him panic.

“Doc, what’s this about?”

Dr. Weller merely turned around, blue eyes behind hisglasses calm and collected as always, only the slightest wrinkle suggestingannoyance, while the crow’s feet at the corners showed wisdom and understanding.He folded his hands in his lap, “Cammie is preparing for the day she needs totake over the program.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Doc isn’t going to live forever, y’know,” she scoffed, “It’simportant I know about each one of you now so I can help select future recruitsand keep you guys safe in the Holons.”

Chase saw his old Vanguard photo from four years ago blastedon the screen. Brown eyes and a normal face and hairline, uncorrupted by metalplates holding him together from all sides.

“Why does she need to see my information? Why isn’t shelooking at Yaz’s? Or Valentina’s?”

“Now, Chase, I understand the hostility, but-”

“I already looked at those,” Cammie folded her arms behindher back, “There isn’t much I need to know about everyone else. You however, inthe event we can’t regenerate you, there are many other things we have to takeinto consideration. If you’re still applicable for gen:LOCK, if you aged out,if you-”

“Alright, I get it,” Chase hissed with a little moremalice than necessary. He pressed a hand to the temple of his hologram. In hisreal body, he could sense a headache coming on. He still felt those.Somehow, “So, you’re just looking through our files. That’s all?”

“Well, I did have a few questions, but since you showed up-”

“Cammie,” Doc intervened, “I think it would be prudent tohave our discussion in the new year revolve around this.”

“I read that it has been difficult for us to decipher whichparts of you retain a sense of touch, but in the Holon, your senses return. Weknew that already. If you don’t have any sense of touch in your real body, Iwould say it’s related to your spinal cord damage and not damage to the brain,otherwise you wouldn’t be able to upload-”

“Cammie,” Doc warned, “Tread lightly.”

“I know. I know- But, spinal cord damage doesn’t make anysense. Yeah, you lost some of it, but only the parts for control of your lowerhalf, and pretty much any organs you lost. So, it doesn’t make sense for you tolose all sensations. So, that leaves us with your brain.”

She swiped and pulled up a spinning image of his brain.

“But! What I’m concerned about is the signs of damage andstress that are appearing on your brain data. If you’re gen:LOCK compatible,then you should be super neuroplastic, and recover from any sort of stressquickly. Heck, even though I’m still shaken up about my head being torn off, myscans don’t show as many signs of PTSD as you’d expect.”

Chase sighed and crossed his arms, “And? I’ve seen a hell ofa lot more combat and lived through a hell of a lot more than you. You think Iwouldn’t have some damage to my brain?”

“That’s the thing though,” She said, flipping through thescreens, her left hand pulling up an itemized list of medical recordsdocumented with dates that continued to scroll as she turned back to Chase andrested her arms on her lap, “All the dates from when these abnormalities andflare ups on your brain appeared are from a long time after the Battleof New York. At first I thought it might be an adjustment from uploading, butVal, Kazoo, and I aren’t showing any signs either. So, what’s the deal?”

Chase looked to Weller, giving the man permission to speak.With a sigh, Weller began.

“Cammie, if you must know, Chase has been suffering frominsomnia.”

“Insomnia? Why not just pump him with sleeping meds then?”

“It’s not that simple. I know you know, but your minds areincredibly important. Sleeping medication may be a temporary solution, but longterm use and overuse can have adverse effects on the mind.”

“Besides,” Chase mumbled, “We’ve tried that already.”

Cammie’s mouth formed into a small little ‘o’ before sheturned around to trace her hands over the screens. She easily found a date shehad skipped over, listing the medications that had been pumped into Chase earlyon in the gen:LOCK program, “Oops, sorry for missing that. But, is sleepdeprivation really causin’ all of this damage?”

“We’ve been… analyzing it for a while. It’s difficult todetermine with you five being our first test group, so we can’t rule outgen:LOCK as being a possible cause. Chase has been uploading for asignificant longer amount of time than the rest of you. However, we’vediscussed it before, and we both believe the issue is… much moreunderstandable.”

He extended a hand to Chase, giving him a chance to speak orback out. Chase let his arms drop to his sides and the tension left hishologram. Cammie was only trying to help, there was no reason for him to get sodefensive, but it was just… hard.

“It might be post-traumatic stress, but I feel thatit’s just from being in the tank so much. Sure, I can be out here and with y’alland I can go inside the Holons, but, at the end of the day, I have to go backin the tank. I may not be able to feel the walls around me, but… I know they’rethere. Sometimes, it takes me by surprise is all.”

“You’re claustrophobic? Hm, I didn’t think it would be thatplain.”

“Yes, well, unfortunately, Chase can’t leave the tank. It isvery difficult with the nanotech to contain what remains of him, and the fluidhe is in helps to prevent it from spreading, and keeps his body from gettinginfected in it’s weak state.”

“So, Cammie,” Chase said, “Why are you so focused on mysleep?”

“Oh, yeah! Well, I’m no doctor-”

“I am!” Weller chimed in.

“Yeah, yeah. But, I’m wondering if you being sleep deprivedis affecting your sense of touch.”

Chase looked at her incredulously, crossing his arms. Shethrew her hands in the air and groaned.

“I know it sounds dumb. I couldn’t find any research tosupport it, but I honestly was too set in the idea to have it proven wrong bysome overly long academic journal. But, the way your eyes work is affected bysleep, right? So when you’re all groggy, and you’re slower at picking up onthings going on around you, don’t you think that could also apply to how yourbrain receives signals from your hands to register if something is hot or cold?Your danger signals might just be operating slowly, and since you’ve been likethis for a while, if you just get a good night’s sleep, we might start seeingsome results.”

Weller hummed, “She does have a point. Besides the senses Iput into the Holons, your cyberbrains don’t require sleep, and you’re alreadyoperating faster than you are as humans, so your senses aren’t dulled butenhanced…”

Chase sighed and hung his head, “I mean, it’s a good ideaand all, but like you saw Cammie, I’ve been this way for a long time now. I’mnot sure what’s gonna help fix me at this stage.”

Chase missed the way Dr. Weller’s eyes darkened in thoughtwhen a call from Migas caught his attention.

“Woah, sorry guys. Migas wants to play a game of siege. Let’stalk later.”

He vanished in a flash of pixels, and Cammie watched as Dr.Weller stared through the space Chase’s hologram had been residing in,boring a hole into the wall of the lab.

“Cammie,” she flinched when he addressed her, “for Chase’sbenefit, let’s keep this discussion confidential, shall we?”

Dr. Weller raised a finger to his lips and smiled at her.She gave a nervous smile back and squeaked out, “Of course,” before swivellingaround in the chair to squint at the files again. Dr. Weller looked back towhere Chase had been, before he turned back to what he was working on too.

In the silence, Cammie tried not to scream as she stared downat Nugget in her lap, thinking about the text she had already sent to the teamwith all her findings.

She ran her hands along her face as she began to sweat. Shejust hoped no one would confront Chase on the issue before she could tell themthe whole story.

**

Perhaps he had been too generous to give Cammie the benefitof the doubt, Dr. Weller mused as he entered the lab one night to find the teamasleep on the floor in front of Chase’s tank.

It had been a rough day for all of them. There was no mission,but during training he could tell they all seemed distracted. Even the Vanguardseemed concerned by how they kept slipping up. Cammie’s performance had takenseveral steps backwards, and Valentina and Kazu seemed to be more isolated fromthe team than usual. Yasamin was back to being silent rather than talking, andChase left everyone in the dust as he charged through the mountain range, onlyto overclock and burn through his uptime before he could continue.

Dr. Weller had to endure an earful from the Colonel all dayabout how useless his recruits were becoming, but he knew the root of herincreased high-strung attitude was because of the appearance of that Unionmech. It was almost a month ago now, but for that reason, they had beendelaying sending the Holons out on any missions. They needed to be prepared forwhatever or whoever they may have to face when they got another look atit. (Or him…)

Dr. Weller walked closer to the tank. Caliban was goingabout his normal routine of programmed tasks, but steering clear of thesleeping team piled up at the base of the tank. Chase’s eyes were shut, andWeller didn’t need to look at the monitors to know Chase’s breathing was slowand relaxed.

Good. It had been a while since he had last witnessedthat.

Technically, it was incorrect of Chase to say that he couldn’tsleep or couldn’t dream anymore. The crash and the nanotech haddestroyed his body, yes. But, that didn’t stop his body or his brain fromrequiring rest and other human needs. The first few nights adjusting to thetank were hard, yes, but Chase did eventually learn to sleep. Dr. Wellerhad records of his REM sleep after the surgery, detecting several dreams evenif Chase himself didn’t remember them. While inside the tank, Chase was hookedup to several IVs that provided him with nutrition and removed any waste toprevent infections. He could still eat and drink, just not in the traditionalsense. The oxygen mask was there for a reason too, after all.

He was still a human. It was wrong of him to think ofhimself as anything less. But, Dr. Weller knew Chase was miserable inside ofthe tank, and he cursed himself everyday for not being able to find a fastersolution to free the boy.

Because, that’s all he was in the eyes of the man. A boy.

He still remembered the scared look that flashed acrossChase’s face when he first explained gen:LOCK to him. They had pulled him outof the wreckage, flew him all the way to the west coast and then laid him on atable only for Dr. Weller to stand over him and shout what was likely nothingmore than mad science nonsense in the startled mind of the twenty one year oldwho was still feeling pain as the nanotech invaded his body.

Chase took the deal, and the rest was history. It shouldhave been. But, the thing that kept Dr. Weller from sleeping at night was thememory of the look in Chase’s eyes when the deal was offered. It haunted him.The nervous glance to the side before speaking. Perhaps it was Weller’s faultfor explaining it so poorly, but for a moment, and probably still to this day,there was a part of Chase that believed that had he not agreed to the gen:LOCKprogram that day, he would have been left to die.

They were his kids now. He would never leave them, healways reasoned.

But had he not agreed, what would you have done? Youwould have no obligation, no connection to him. You made a boy surrender hisautonomy to become your scientific toy. Now you’re doing the same with Yasamin,Kazu, Valentina, and Cammie. You continue to search for more recruits, morechildren to steal. How do you-

Dr. Weller took a deep breath and pulled off his glasses andwiped his eyes. When he was done, he slipped them back on and stared up at thetank. Kazu was asleep on Valentina’s shoulder, both of their legs stretched outas they leaned against the left side of the tank. Yasamin was against the rightside, turned away from the group. Her head rested against the fogged up glass,just below where Chase’s arm was. Cammie was sprawled out across the three ofthem, her head slinking down Yasamin’s back, her legs and feet across Valentinaand Kazu’s lap as Nugget slept on her chest. Dr. Weller smiled down at them.

He had told Cammie they couldn’t be sure but…

Some days Dr. Weller believed it had been his technologythat did more damage to Chase than the nanotech. After all, Chase had foundsleep easier, even with the nanotech inside. It was right after his secondbirthday that things went to hell.

Well, everything went to hell, Weller thoughtas he stepped over Valentina and Kazu’s legs, making his way to the monitornext to the tank. He really should send them back to their dorm so they couldproperly rest up, but-

He tabbed open the page displaying Chase’s brain waves, andtried not to gasp.

He looked over into the tank. He looked back at Chase’sbreathing.

Dr. Weller quickly and quietly rushed through shutting offany unnecessary noise and lights in the lab. He pushed Caliban over to hischarging pad and continued to dim the place until only Chase’s bedtime mixcould be heard drifting over the speakers, and the blue light from the tankilluminated the room. Then, he collected the things he needed and left the labas swiftly as he could.

He boarded the elevator, and clutching the blueprints in hisarms, he tried not to sniffle fearful that any noise would wake Chase from hisslumber, and his first, real dream in four years.

Good things had come since expanding the gen:LOCK program.He silently wished they would continue for his kids for a long while.

**

Then, the Anvil was attacked by the Union.

The battle was an ugly, chaotic, panicked mess. Chase hadstormed out of the eastern observation deck and immediately uploaded, takinghis anger out on Nemesis as soon as he collided with the other mech’s neck. Heknew if he didn’t stop him, everyone would die. The team, Migas, Miranda, Weller.But he wanted nothing more than to go up to Dr. Weller in his Holon andstrangle more answers out of him, to make him understand the gravity of what hehad done to Chase by not telling him he was just a copy.

If he could taste, he was certain he would taste bilewhenever he said the word. As he swung at Nemesis, he had to wonder if what theother him was saying was true or not. Did he even deserve to exist in his body,their body, if he wasn’t the original? Were either of them even theoriginal, or perhaps he had died four years ago in the Battle of New York andthe Doc had just copied his consciousness then. He had lied to him already,about the network going offline, about the mission being scraped, and he hadbelieved him. Could he fabricate memories too? He had heard from Cammie aboutthem being able to delete them, did the Doc go inside his mind and alter him tobe the perfect, obedient soldier so he would agree to the program?

He had always thought since he first saw himself in the tankthat something was wrong. But then Dr. Weller came in and comforted him. Maybehe had been right all along. The body didn’t belong to either of them. Itbelonged to the Chase who was dead.

In the background of the fight, him and Nemesis heard therest of the team clicking onto the network, and soon they were flying pastChase as they fought off the spider tanks and other Union soldiers storming thegrounds. Kazu and Valentina synced up, and suddenly their minds went silentacross the network as they became one. Yasamin crashed down next to Chase as hewrestled with Nemesis, and she reached out to him.

“Chase, we should try and fight him together!”

Chase continued to fire his gun at Nemesis as he struggledto free his leg from the mech’s claws. He couldn’t deal with distractions rightnow.

“What’s stopping you?”

“No, I mean really together!” Yasamin shouted as shemoved closer to him in the mindscape.

Her hand was so close to him, and Chase’s rage boiled as hethought about her touching him, getting inside his head. Nemesis yanked himcloser, nearly disarming his gun and pinning him down. Chase sliced his armacross the space between Yaz and him, shoving her away and he shouted at her.

“Let’s not do this now!”

She recoiled and floated away, going silent in the channel. Finally.Chase only had a few moments to savor the peace and quiet before Dr. Weller wasyelling at them to retreat. He punched Nemesis harder when he heard Doc’sfrantic speaking. Then, Yasamin was back in his ear calling out to him.

“Chase, fall back!”

“He doesn’t mean me, Yaz!”

“Chase!” She pleaded. And Chase grit his teeth as heprepared to jump Nemesis, hissing at the woman a reminder-

“My body can’t run, Yaz!”

His body slammed into Nemesis, and then the gen:LOCK channelwent silent for good.

**

When they first landed and hid behind one of the mountainranges, Yasamin immediately took control and began delegating tasks toeveryone. She spared no moment to make sure they were aware of their rationsand fuel, planning possible routes and trying to see if it was feasible to makeit back to the ESU’s headquarters on the west coast. The entire day, she wasnonstop in storming around the ship as she investigated every possible usefultool.

At nightfall though, things changed.

Kazu, Valentina, and Cammie had gone to bed. Chase was outin his Holon, patrolling the area to make sure no one was following them, andto clear his head by getting through his racing thoughts faster with theincreased speed and clarity of his cyberbrain. Yasamin was still in thecockpit, ready to open the ship’s doors if they needed to hide the Holon fromany sudden threat. She had gone quiet for the past hour, and Chase was going incircles as the rain pelted down on his armor.

He was somewhat thankful that the rain was slipping down inbetween the spaces of his armor. When the droplets touched the metal skeleton,he could feel the cold rush of it, like slime dripping down over his mechanicaljoints.

Doc had really improved the sensory features of theHolons. It was practically like having real skin.

He just started to lift his hands to the sky when he heardit.

“Chase…”

Yasamin’s voice crackled over the mic of the airship. Heturned around. He could barely see her sitting in the pilot’s chair, and so hewalked back and crouched down so he was eye level with the windshield.

She was curled up in the chair, a blanket around hershoulders as she pressed the mic button with one hand.

“Yo, what’s up?” He asked, the blue lights of his eyesflashing as he zoomed in to see her better. Her finger traced down underneathand around the control panel of the dashboard, her arm limp and her eyes low.Then, when she nearly let her arm drop, she puppeteered it back to the button,pressing down once as she whispered.

“Can you come back inside? I want to speak to you.”

Chase blinked at her for a moment, but then knelt downproperly, letting his Holon rest as he mixed into his hologram. Within a fewseconds, Yasamin heard the electronic noise as pixels materialized by the doorsbehind her, but did not turn around. Chase strided forward with easy, steadysteps, stopping behind Yaz with both palms up and his arms open.

“What’s the matter?”

She was silent, but Chase was patient. He watched as sheslowly lowered her hand again, folding them both into her lap as she pulled upher knees and leaned back in the chair. She stared out at the rain pouring downfrom the sky and hitting the windshield. A ring appeared around Chase’s restingHolon as water bounced off it and back down again. If there had been any lightleft behind the gray, murky clouds, perhaps the water would have glowed.

“The Doctor…”

He heard Yasamin’s breath hitch.

“He sacrificed himself for us to escape.”

Chase felt his heart stop in his real body inside the tank.

“Are you serious?”

Yasamin ran her hands up and down the fabric of the suitstretched over her thighs, “He helped us escape. We were getting into theelevator when Union soldiers appeared. When the doors closed, there was anexplosion.”

Chase cursed, “That’s just like him.”

He pressed a hand to his head and closed his eyes. All day,the others had been silent about what had happened and why they had fled. Hehad assumed it was everyone in shock over the sight of the nanotech drowningthe Anvil, but now he understood.

“Well,” he ran the hand down his face to his mouth, pressingit against his lips hard as he struggled to bite back more curses, “At least itwasn’t the nanotech. I lived through that hell, if it was an explosion, atleast it was mostly instantaneous and painless-”

“That’s not the point!”

Yasamin stood up from the chair and turned around to faceChase, an enraged scowl marring her face as she seethed.

“He sacrificed himself for us, Chase! Doesn’t that meananything to you?”

Chase stepped back, confused, “It does! Why do you think itdoesn’t?”

“Because you’re not upset! You’re just standing here makingsnide comments and-”

“I’m not making snide comments. I’m in shock, Yaz. I’vegone the whole day thinking, yes, all of my friends and family in the militarywere just eaten alive by the thing that nearly killed me four years ago. But, Ithought somehow the Doctor escaped on another ship.”

“Where would he go without our protection? We have Caliban,you know he would get captured right away without someone to guard him-”

“I was trying to be optimistic!” Chase shouted back, “Whyare you fighting with me? What do you gain by yelling at me?”

“I don’t know but the fact that you were so caught up inyour fight with the Union’s you that you let him-”

Chase snapped, “I didn’t kill him, Yaz! You can’t force theblame of his death onto me like this!”

Silence rang out in the cockpit after that, and Chase wassure that they had woken up the rest of the ship with that. The rational partof his mind prayed that they would take the hint and not try and intervene. Hecaught his breath after a moment, and just stared at Yasamin. Her head wasbowed so he could only see her brow etched into a scowl, her eyes scanning thefloor as his words continued to process in her head. After a few minutes, whenshe didn’t respond, he turned to go mix back into his Holon.

“I understand you’re tired,” he said, looking over his shoulderat her, “You should get some sleep. It will help clear your mind. I’m sureeveryone else is just as shaken up. They’ll need both of us to be level headedtomorrow.”

“Chase…”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting his mindseep back into his Holon outside.

Yasamin reached out and her hand phased through Chase. Hiseyes snapped open and he turned around. She fell through him to the other side.

Chase stared down at his chest, where her hand had justforced its way through.

“Yaz, you of all people should know that I can’t-”

She whipped around, and her face crumpling with angry tears,she threw herself at him again.

This time, she stopped herself so she was hovering over his hologram, thepixels continuously vibrating at every point of contact as she wrapped her armsaround him, and tucked her head against his hollow chest.

Chase’s arms hovered by his sides, unsure of where to rest.

Then, he felt the gentle shake of her as she began to cry.

He relaxed easily, and put his arms around her.

He wished he could say he felt something during theexchange, some sorrow or grief or comfort in sharing this moment with the womanwho had become like his sister, but, the thought of her being familybrought up memories of the Doctor, and Chase’s mixed up thoughts scrambled evenmore inside, and so-

He awkwardly glanced out the window as she shuddered close,and Chase was thankful for the fact that he couldn’t feel.

**

After being interrupted three times during the night byUnion drones dropping Nemesis on them, Chase had downloaded after therealization Nemesis’s connection on the network. An argument about what to dowith the technology erupted, and although Chase was still angry at Dr. Weller,now that he had been given more time to think, and process what had happened,he still felt it would be a disservice to what the man had done to him to justshut down the program.

Especially since it was what gave Chase the littlefreedom he still had left. If Valentina, Kazu, Cammie, and Yaz just left, wouldhe just be left behind in the middle of nowhere, with only his body in a tankfor Nemesis to come and collect alongside him?

And so, he spoke the words, and unwittingly unlocked thefinal message from the Doctor.

He felt Yasamin’s hand slide through his pixels when Dr.Weller’s hologram disappeared. She awkwardly retreated when she remembered.Chase’s fingers twitched as the buzz went through them. He looked down at Yaz’sface, who was still staring where her father had vanished.

No. Their father.

He wasn’t just a scientific tool to the man. He had donenothing but care for him tirelessly. Chase was just too blind with rage to seeit.

Then, later, once the team had tried going to bed again,this time with more security in their minds about not being found, Yasaminapproached him again. She leaned on his tank and spoke to him quietly, but thecloseness frightened him and so he switched to his hologram again. Now with hisfeelings about Dr. Weller cleared up, his heart was only left to focus on thelarger knot tangled inside of it.

Nemesis.

He had come to accept that the Doc only lied to him aboutthe mission, and that he was being paranoid with thoughts of him ever doinganything malicious like fabricating memories of the past. He was obviously onlytrying to protect Chase from falling into despair and terror. But, that leftChase alone with the realization that while he had remained unchanging duringthe years, something devastating had to have happened to change the other himinto that.

Was it maliciousness at being left unsaved? Was it slowlybreaking trust in the Doctor and Polity that never came to his aid afterdisappearing? Did the original know he had been replaced, been copied? Did hissense of self warp into thinking he was so valuable, so important, that theywould fight a war to rescue him, only to discover they never even needed him inthe first place, just a copy of his mind?

But then Yaz reached out and touched him again, and Chase’sheart panged.

It wasn’t fair to her, to the rest of the team, to closehimself off like this. He had regarded her as if she was an idiot for the pastfew hours for trying to get close to him, for thinking that he was real. Thereal him was inside the tank, everyone knew that, but that didn’t change theway Cammie tried to always poke him, the way Kazu had patted his back andcalled him his brother, the way Valentina would help him up after they kickedhis ass.

Yaz was right, he was real to all of them. He just needed tostart thinking the same about himself.

But, the mess of knots in his chest wouldn’t subside, andso, he pulled away again.

He receded back into the tank, the buzzing of Yaz’s touchfading away as he hid behind glass, where no one could touch him, ever.

**

At RTASA, things were different. They felt like they allwere playing a game of catch-up as they explained things to Dr. Jha and then toHolcroft, being given amnesty despite being an ever present threat to endangerthe facility and also Holcroft giving them the timer to defeat Nemesis beforethey went forward with the future of gen:LOCK.

Their Holons needed repairs, so Cammie sought out gettingfinancial backing with Jha from Holcroft so they could print the new armor. Shehad been running around for days, between helping direct where to place them onthe Holon to modeling new skeletal designs on the CAD files.

A few days before the armor upgrades were to be finished,she sat down in private and went about dissecting whatever the Doc had leftbehind inside of Caliban’s mind. She had already been given files on monitoringChase’s condition, and most of the things he had locked away was all theresearch on the early stages of gen:LOCK with Chase, the incident thatled to the end of copying- Cammie shuddered when she finished reading, andlocked that file back away where she found it- and the goals for theprogram had it not been militarized.

There was a set of files that were fairly recent though. TheDoc appeared to have uploaded them only a few days before the Battle of the Anvil.Cammie nervously opened it, afraid it might be another confession like therecording of his final message or the copying.

A blueprint appeared on screen. Another CAD file? Shesquinted as she looked over it better.

She sat up when she read the title.

Oh.

There was another set of things modelled in the folder. Shepulled up that file too.

Oh! Her eyes widened, and she excitedly began to readover and rotate the designs inside the file.

She had felt a bit disheartened when she realized how far backthe prerecorded message was. Although she knew all the words the Doc had saiddid apply to how he truly thought of them, it made her wish he had the time togive them a more individual goodbye. Something more genuine than just a willand the end note of “Be well.”

They had been wrong. That wasn’t the Doc’s final message atall.

This was, however.

Cammie copied the files into her own folder and then mutedCaliban again, dashing out of the room as she sought out Dr. Jha.

**

Chase wondered if he had been forgotten about. Over the pastfew days, everyone seemed to have made themselves scarce. He didn’t mind beingleft alone in his tank, usually, but he had grown accustomed to openinghis eyes in their new dorm to seeing the rest of the group doing something. WhetherKazu playing the guitar, Valentina laying down as they logged into the Ether,or Yasamin reading, it had become a small comfort to him to know they werestill together, even though so much had changed.

But one morning, he opened his eyes and everyone was gone.

At first, it was no issue. He could navigate in his hologramaround RTASA as much as he did at the Anvil or the ESU. There were stillscientists working around the clock, and soon enough, he found his team huddledin some corner of the base, talking amongst themselves.

“Hey guys! Why did you tell me we were having a meeting?”

He was met cordially, but they all seemed a bit too quiet.They wouldn’t give him answers about what they were discussing, and they alldispersed quickly after his arrival. He was left confused, and ultimately hedecided to mix back into his tank.

A few days later, he was walking around again and spottedCammie and Dr. Jha outside a conference room.

“Oh, nothing! I just have to talk to Holcroft again!” She saidwhen he asked what was going on.

“Again? Is he pulling out of our deal?”

“It’s nothing like that, Chase,” Dr. Jha reassured him,significantly calmer than Cammie was, “There is another thing we have decidedto build for the benefit of your team, but we require more financial backingbefore we go ahead with the project. We also must decide how soon we canconstruct it.”

“Oh? What is it? Did you find something cool in Doc’s filesagain?” Chase looked to Cammie, who smiled nervously.

“Uh, yeah! Super cool, but like everything else withthe upgrades, it’s a surprise! So you better stay out of the hangar until they’redone, or else I’ll block your hologram from entering without my permission!”

Chase laughed, “I promise, I promise.”

“Cammie, we should get going. Holcroft is waiting,” Dr. Jhaushered her inside. Although she cast a smile back at him as she closed thedoor, Chase stiffened. He caught the faintest glimpse of Yasamin in the back ofthe conference room before the door closed shut, and Chase had to wonder if thewhole team was in there.

What were they talking about without him?

**

That night, Dr. Jha found Chase. She entered the dorm roomand stood patiently in front of his tank, waiting for him to notice her. He wasmixed into one of the observation decks, watching the sunset alone when heheard rustling coming from the dorm. Excitedly, he warped back into his tank,but his expression dropped when he saw Dr. Jha. 

“Chase, wonderful, I have something I need to speak with youabout.”

“Is this regarding what you all were discussing withHolcroft earlier?”

Her expression fell for just a second, but she quicklyregained her smile and folded her hands behind her back.

“So you did see the rest of your friends in the room. I’msorry we excluded you. Holcroft wanted to speak to them too.”

Chase felt nervous. Dr. Jha seemed honest, but he didn’tlike the secrets that were floating around.

“Why not me?”

“Chase,” she cleared her throat, “Cammie had stumbled acrossRufus’ instructions on how to care for you. As the sole investor in gen:LOCK,Holcroft has also been providing funding for keeping you alive.”

Oh.

“So why wasn’t I in the room? You guys aren’t cutting meoff, right?” Chase joked, but Dr. Jha seemed startled by that remark. A brief panickedthought went through Chase’s mind, and he couldn’t help but cut out hislaughter, “You’re not, right?”

“Of course not, Chase. You are a highly valuable member ofgen:LOCK. It would be irresponsible for Holcroft to pull out of providing supportfor you when you are the most experienced.”

Sensing his apprehension, she continued.

“I assure you though, Holcroft would never be allowed tosimply cut you off like that. Not that I, or any of your teammates would allowthat. I assure you, we were not discussing anything of the sort. We thought itwould be uncomfortable for you to speak with Holcroft about such a topicthough, since he can be brash and might have misled you.”

Chase chose to believe her and move past it, “So, why haveyou come to talk with me?”

“Although you and I have not known each other for very long,Rufus did keep me updated on your condition, and we here at RTASA are equippedto support you.”

“So, where is this all going?”

“Cammie noticed that in Rufus’ logs of you, you were longoverdue for a check up. If you would allow it, we would like to remove you fromthe tank tonight temporarily. My medical team and I will oversee that you aresafe and unharmed during the procedure. Do you agree to allow us to do this?”

Chase still felt that something was off, “Are you going tohave to put me under to do it like the Doc used to?”

She nodded, “In Rufus’ instructions, he believes it to bethe least shocking way to help your body adjust to the lack of fluidsurrounding it. If you would like us to-”

“No,” Chase shook his head and sighed, “Let’s follow the Doc’sinstructions. He kept me alive this long, I trust his judgement.”

Dr. Jha smiled, “Excellent. Then, in about four hours, wewill begin. We will transport your tank to our medical wing right before then.”

She bid him goodbye and left the dorm with a wave. He wasalone again. An hour before the start time, the rest of the team came in andhelped Caliban walk him down. They all spoke happily and assured him everythingwould be fine, and Cammie told them all that she was almost done withthe upgrades and they would see them soon. Although Chase laughed alongsidethem and pressed his hand against the tank as they all patted the glass, as hewas pushed through the doors, he couldn’t shake the fear in the back of hismind that this was the last time he would see them again.

Cammie and Caliban stayed in the room as they set up Chasefor removal. They administered the anesthesia through the IV that hooked to thetop of the tank, and then, slowly began to drain the tank.

The last thing Chase saw was Caliban reaching out to catchhim, but everything went dark and then he was gone.

**

Chase opened his eyes to water.

He had grown accustomed to first seeing the fluid that was aglowwith the blueish light from the heaters of the tank. His eyes always took amoment to adjust to being hit with the harmless, but unnatural, liquid thatcovered his senses. He had learned to see through the fluid clouding hisvision, to move his arm through the heavy gel to gesture what little he couldto those who approached his tank.

This time, when he opened his eyes, however…

The liquid felt different.

It was lighter. Although he had grown used to thefluid to the point the weight did not bother him at all, the speed at which hefelt his hand jerk awake and cut through the liquid felt too smooth. Itwas too fast, like if someone had submerged his Holon self inside of it.

He had to wonder if that was true for a moment whenhe realized he could feel the individual bubbles in the liquid pebbling aroundthe skin of his face, the oxygen mask keeping them from touching his lips, butthey gathered around it all the same.

His eyes shot open as the sensations overtook him, andsuddenly his arm was swinging out- and there was no wall there to catch it.

Had he fallen into the ocean? Had RTASA sunk into the sea atlast? Why was he drowning?

Did they throw him into the ocean after thinking he wasdead?

And why was it so bright?

“Chase!” He heard Cammie’s scottish yip fizz over thechannel that hooked him to gen:LOCK, the ether, and his hologram. This timethough, it sounded more muffled. Not in a quiet way, but as if Cammie’s voicewas echoing inside a helmet or a mask before it was being picked up by the microphone.

He glanced around to try and see where her voice was comingfrom. It was strange, it was like her voice was buzzing not only over thesignal, but through the liquid too. As he tried to look around, he was stunnedfor a moment by the realization that he could turn his head. He couldalways move it somewhat, but for the first time in years he was able totouch his chin to each shoulder, and then he realized he was swimming.

There were still tubes connecting him and supporting him up,but as he moved his arm about, he realized he was drifting. Through the blue,oceanic like liquid, he swam, slowly coming to realize the more he thought aboutwhere he wanted to go, the more the machine supporting his torso helped himglide that direction. He smiled behind the mask and glanced where he thoughtwas up as he heard the rest of his team’s voices filter through thespeaker.

“It appears he is happy with the new arrangement,” Valentina’svoice wasn’t muffled like Cammie’s was. It sounded far away though.

“You can see him through there? It’s too foggy for me,” Kazusaid.

“I’m going in. Cammie! Are you ready down there?” Yaz calledout, to which Cammie responded cheerfully.

“Yup! It’ll take a moment to swim down, but I promise you it’llbe worth it!”

Swim down?

Chase turned around.

Cammie was there. Inside the water. She was floatinga few feet away behind Chase, a clear, helmet encircling her head and coveredin the same hexagonal patterns as their holograms loading in were. She wasn’twearing her gen:LOCK suit, but instead a suit he had never seen before. Itcertainly wasn’t Doc’s design, but he could see the influences were there. Itwas a green diving suit that covered her hands and feet completely. Althoughshe appeared to be free floating, Chase could see a harness of some alloy thatreached all the way up to wherever the surface was. She was typing into ascreen that was illuminating from her wrist. When Chase met her eyes, shegrinned, and waved.

“Cammie!” Chase cried out, and swam towards her.

“It’s me! In the flesh! Well, in the suit, I guess. Youlike?”

“So this is what you guys were up to?,” he laughed, “You putme in some sort of aquarium.”

“Of course not, you dummy. But, I suppose it is like a bigfish tank. We built it all in one night. It was still hard to keep it a secretfrom you though.”

“Well, you did a good job. This is amazing.”

“You’re not claustrophobic?”

“Not at all!” Chase swam in a circle, his arm freely glidingthrough the water. He faced her again and watched as her green eyes piercedthrough the helmet, practically matching the hue of the glowing water. Thebubbles crawling to the surface pearled around the screen of the helmet andsurrounded her face as she smiled at him. There were faint distortions on themask like when the holograms bumped into something. She swiped the screen onher wrist back into her watch.

“Try doing a flip!”

“I can do that?”

“Hell yeah you can! We rearranged all the tubes and wireskeeping you alive, and outfitted you with a harness that spins. Look, mine doesthe same!”

Cammie arched back and flipped backwards like a mermaid, thealloy attached to her harness rotating to the side as she curled over and backunder it again. When she was swimming down, he could see how the metal bar connectedto a protruding disk shape on her back and that was what spun and bent themetal into different angles.

“You try!” She said, and Chase took a moment to try ithimself. It was a little different than when he used to do flips at the poolwhen he was a kid, because back then he had legs that would push off and kickand bring him around in the circle, but he didn’t need them now. When hecompleted the trick, he moved towards Cammie, excited.

“You gotta tell me how this all works. This is amazing!”

“I know, right?”

“How am I swimming?”

“We took the signals that read your nerves signals tocontrol your hologram away from your body and hooked them up to this machine.Now, instead of it reading it and transferring it to an avatar like in VR, itjust moves in accordance to how you want to move. Quite simple to programactually, since we already have so much tech that reads brainwaves, it waspractically a step backwards for gen:LOCK, but building all this was whatdelayed it.”

“Delayed it? But you built it so fast?”

“It was actually the Doc who designed it.”

Chase stopped swimming.

“He came up with the blueprints, at the very least. I foundthem in the files saved in Caliban. He had been thinking about it for years, Ithink, but Holcroft wouldn’t give him the funding. He wanted Doc to put all hisfocus into gen:LOCK first, but Doc never stopped thinking about it. This washis final design. He uploaded it only hours before-”

“Cammie, you don’t need to explain. It’s wonderful. I’mthankful. So, that’s what you were actually talking to Holcroft about. Ithought you were discussing killing me!”

Cammie gasped, “Killing you? Are you crazy? Of course not!Why would we ever-”

There was a rippling through the water and Chase feltsomething vibrating behind him. He spun around slowly, watching as Yasamindescended gracefully down to their level. Chase had to wonder how big the tankwas, for he could not see the surface nor the sides of it. There was just anendless ocean everywhere.

“Yaz!” Chase shouted out, “Did you know about Doc’s plansbefore- Oof!”

Yaz flew towards him, unbound by the weight of the liquidshe soared forward and wrapped her arms around him. The screen of her helmetbuzzed like the pixels of a hologram against the side of his face as she tuckedher head into his shoulder, and he gently rested his arm on her back as theyheld each other.

Wait a minute.

Chase’s fingers ran along the fabric of Yaz’s suit, tracingthe fabric lightly until he began to shake. It was soft beneath hishand, not soft like a pillow or a feather, but the liquid against it made thematerial pliable and a bit silky. It was almost like… skin? He couldfeel warmth exuding from underneath his hand, despite the cooler temperature ofthe water, and then Yaz shifted her head and the helmet bumped against his faceagain and he felt the same warm sensation fluttering through the buzzinghexagons and fading into his skin.

“Chase? Are you okay?” Yaz started to pull back when shefelt the tremors going through him, “Cammie, is it a bad reaction to the newfluid?”

“No, it’s-”

“It’s just… I thought she was a hologram,” Chase said,glancing at Cammie before he turned back to Yaz and tightened his fist in theback of her suit, “I thought you were all just projecting yourself in here. Ithought-”

“No, no, Chase, we’re real. We’re here,” Yaz’s hands reachedup to cup his face, her thumbs careful of the oxygen mask as she caressed himand touched her forehead to his, “Dr. Weller wanted to be the one to show youthis, but… He didn’t have time. I was so worried it would never happen, butCammie made it possible.”

“I can feel you. How can I feel you?”

“Like how our gen:LOCK suits enhance our abilities bysharpening the speed at which our neurons transmit information and commands, Docwas looking into finding ways to share that information, beyond justmind sharing when uploaded. Her suit is sending information out to you, andsending that information to the nerves in your hand and skin,” she explained,swimming a bit closer, “It’s still in a very early stage though. When wetransferred you out of the tank, we had to run a series of tests while you wereunconscious to see if your nerves still work, and because we didn’t want torisk putting you in a completely new suit and disrupt your easy connection togen:LOCK, you’re actually experiencing a very dull version of what could be.”

“It’s enough,” Chase choked out, “It’s enough.”

“Oh, are we making you cry?” Cammie teased, floating infront of him with a smirk, “I didn’t expect this big of a reaction. I think youowe me a thank you!”

“Knock it off Cammie,” he batted her away while Yasaminwiped his tears that were being swallowed up by the liquid anyway, “It’s beenalmost five years since I felt anything like this.”

I didn’t know I could cry too.

“Besides, you don’t get all the credit,” Yaz said, “Youwould have never survived in arguing with Holcroft without us.”

“Yo!” Chase shouted up to the surface, “Are the rest of youcoming in or not?”

“I suppose that’s our cue,” Valentina stated, “You first,Kazu.”

“Huh? Why me? Wait! What are you-!”

There was a loud noise and crackling before Chase saw ashadow appear overhead, before the red suit of Kazu burst through the water andlanded in between him and Yasamin. There was a neater entrance made byValentina, who dove through the surface and shot down towards the bottom of thetank to join them. They floated up to hover by Yasamin as Kazu fumbled to righthimself.

“Poor fool couldn’t hook up his harness by himself”Valentina huffed, “Made me do everything.”

“Maybe if you hadn’t shoved me in, I would’ve figured itout!”

“We couldn’t keep them waiting any longer. It’s not my faultyou’re so slow.”

“Hurry up and hug Chase already, Kazoo! Before he getsannoyed by all of us bickering and kicks us out!”

Chase breathed out a laugh as he opened up his arm again anddrifted towards Kazu, “I could never get tired of you guys.”

Kazu righted himself and swam towards Chase, reciprocatingthe hug before he pulled back and draped one arm over his shoulders as heattacked his head with a harsh noogie.

“Woah, hey!”

“That’s for all the trouble you’ve been causing youraniki. Been wanting to do that for a while. It never felt right in the Holon.”

Chase winced as he lifted his head from underneath theattack but smiled still, “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Do you think we could playbaseball here? I can still pitch with this arm.”

“Let’s keep it restricted to our Holons, please. The glassis strong, but it’s not indestructible,” Yasamin chided.

“So there is glass? It seemed infinite in here,” Chase said,looking around. Cammie pulled the command screen out of her watch again andbegan fiddling.

“Yeah, unfortunately Holcroft wouldn’t let us build you a lifesizeocean, so most of this is an illusion.”

She dropped the imagery and the endless, blue shadows andlight refracting through the water shrunk back, revealing the main hangar ofRTASA. The tank was still quite big though, and Chase felt as though hewas a shark inside an aquarium tank. He could now see above, where a smallplatform hovered overhead. Built into the top of the tank was a small room thatled to where the tank could be opened for maintenance and if people needed toenter.

“But, the good news is, you’ll have full control of the settings,so if you ever want to see our lovely faces outside of the tank, you still can,even if you’re not walking around. And, the illusion works on the outside too.You’ll be able to block Kazoo out if he annoys you too much.”

“Don’t you mean he’ll block you out?”

“Nah, I’m too cute for him to want to block out. Besides, ifhe did, I’ll just disable it. I’m the only one you can’t get rid of!” She saidas she pounced on Chase’s back, being careful of the machinery strapped to him.

“Wait a second, the nanotech. Is it even safe for you to bein here?” Chase asked, suddenly drifting away from all of them.

“It’s still dormant, but, just to be safe, that’s anotherfeature of the suits that Doc designed.”

“We have to cover ourselves head to toe to prevent anypossible infiltration,” Valentina said, stretching their arm and fingers outthrough the water as they eyed the fabric of the suit up and down, “The helmetsare a bit clunky, but it’s like our Holon heads. Not too uncomfortable.”

“So, you’re safe?”

“As long as we’re dressed like this, and there’s no cracksin the helmets,” Cammie knocked on the outside of the helmet for emphasis, “We’regood.”

“But, just in case,” Yasamin reassured, There’s an emergencysystem that will draw us all out of the water if it ever detects yournanotech begins to move again.”

Cammie lunged at Chase and tackled him again, this timepushing down on his shoulders and flipping up over him until she was floatinghigh away. Her ponytail swished around inside the helmet, and as it brushed theinside of the container, Chase felt the distinct sensation of hair brushing hisforehead as she nearly collided heads with him.

“Let’s have some fun! This is like your, what, thirdbirthday?”

“Fourth if you count the fact that I’m the copy. How longcan you all stay in here though?” Chase asked.

“Don’t worry about it! We’ll be with you as long as you wantfrom now on!”

**

Or so they had said, but now…

Now Chase was trying to rip himself away from them.

Again.

“Not when we’re so close! We don’t have time!” She beggedthe rest of the team as the uptime warning flashed in all of their minds.

Chase had finally agreed to mindshare with her, with all ofthem. He was finally ready to let them in, and now they were talking aboutrunning away only to give Nemesis the perfect opportunity to kill all of themwhile they were back in their human bodies.

She wouldn’t let them get Chase. She wouldn’t let them killthe rest of her family.

“Yeah you do. You’re going to get the time you need to reset,”Chase’s affirmation made her freeze up as he lowered his hand on her shoulder.She had longed to finally be able to touch him for so long, and after gettingthe chance in real life, all that remained was in the mindscape. For him totruly open up and accept them all. But, as his hand settled on to her, fearstruck her at his next words.

“You can bet on it.”

She wanted to scream. Her mouth struggled to speak,eventually all she could get out was, “Chase, no!”

If he let go now, if he exceeded uptime…

“This has to stop now!”

“No! Not like this!”

The warning flashed louder in their ears. Yasamin felt herworld closing in around her as Chase continued to insist they run and leave himbehind.

“You will lose your body!” She shouted exasperated. They hadno more time. No more time for her to find the words she wanted to say. To tellhim why it wasn’t fair that he ran away from them after he just started to openup. To tell him why she was scared he would die before they got back to him.What happened beyond uptime was unknown. Chase’s body would be renderedcompletely empty, Chase would never be given a chance to be human again.

It wasn’t fair. She had just gotten the chance to touch him-

“Yaz… I lost that four years ago,” He confessed,  “This is me now.”

Yasamin wanted to cry.

“You just said it. I gotta let go, right? Change. “

Yasamin reached out and grabbed his hand, desperately tryingto merge with him so she could run his Holon back with them.

“This is not what I meant!”

But Chase was already pulling away.

**

After the battle, Chase stood in front of the emptytank.  

The others left him alone. They had downloaded and gone totheir room to retire for the night. But Chase couldn’t download now. Hehad burned through all his uptime, and now was stuck inside his Holon.In the adrenaline rush of battle, he didn’t mind it. Although they were bulky,they did provide a lot more freedom than his human body.

Perhaps he would have felt that way had his friends not justbuilt him a giant tank to give him so he could hug and be with them. Perhaps hewould have felt that way had he not just wasted their gift and time andenergy and arguing with Holcroft about how vital this would be to Chase’srecovery, to his improved gen:LOCK performance.

But, there was something about seeing the dark tank, knowingthe time his friends and his family had spent trying to make him happy again,that made him tighten his fist against the surface, and shut his eyes.

He regretted it. It was necessary in the moment andit helped them win, but he regretted it. There was a slim chance he could everreturn to his body now. There was the matter of Leon too, if he would ever wakeup. Chase should be thankful he had a consciousness left at all after how muchhe did during the battle. At least, he could still ping out in his hologramform to walk about with everyone like he used to. It just felt like he burnedthrough more than just uptime when he left his body behind.

But.

As he thought back to the battle, to the way he had syncedup with all of his friends, perhaps it hadn’t been a wasted opportunity.

Mindshare was different than any physical touch. It was moreintimate, yet more pure. Chase had spent so long longing to feel touch again,he had been denying perhaps a better alternative all along. When Yasamin hadreached out to him at the Battle of the Anvil, had he taken her hand, couldthey have saved the Doc? Would they have been able to beat Nemesis together inthat moment?

No, probably not. Chase was still so angry at that time, hewould have just clouded Yasamin’s mind and put her in danger, making thesituation worse. He was thankful he didn’t make her first experience inside hishead one so full of hatred and confusion. Especially since all that anger was directedat the Doc, it would have made for a terrible mix.

Still, it was strange. Learning he could touch again onlyfor it to be ripped away from him. He did it with his own hands though. Thiswas his own choice he made. He did feel that he was dishonoring Doc’s finalgift to him, though. Perhaps, had he not been so self-sacrificing, he couldhave experienced the touch of more people before the end. They could have allgone back to the Anvil, and maybe he would have gotten a chance to hug Migasagain, Leon even, had he not had to upload into the last Holon. Maybe even-

Miranda.

But, this was the choice he had made. It was something onlyhe could do in the moment, and now he had to live with that choice. And, he andMiranda had chosen to go their separate ways. He couldn’t keep going back onhis decisions.

Besides, his body was still alive inside the tank.Just not this one. They had moved him back into the smaller tank when the timecame for him to go to the transport ship and upload. Pretty soon, Dr. Jha andeveryone else would work on deconstructing the larger one now that it would gounused.

For the time being, he remembered her telling him.

If they continued to advance gen:LOCK, there was hope forLeon to be able to wake up again in his normal body. Perhaps the same could besaid for Chase, that one day he and his copy, however many they were,would get to download again and live a normal life. When the Union was gone,and the Polity was restored, Chase hoped that somehow, they all couldfind peace.

They all were human, after all. Doc had believed in that,had believed that Nemesis could come back to them somehow. Chase had to believeit too, so he could keep moving forward towards tomorrow.

Left alone in the hangar, Chase took his Holon and sat downin front of the tank, his back to it as he went into sleep mode. It was nothinglike sleeping as a human, but it would rest his mind enough to help pass thetime. He would have to get used to it from now on, having insomnia without the,well, insomnia.

As the light left the eyes of his mech, Chase let himselfdrift in the mindscape.

**

He woke up when he felt something roll off his shoulder.

Reacting quickly, he caught that thing that toppledoff his arm and rolled into his hand. His eyes adjusted and zoomed in on thesmall thing, gasping fully awake when he realized it was Cammie.

“What? What are you doing?”

She was dressed in her pajamas, and the hangar was dark, soit must not be morning yet. He lifted her up closer to his face, but that waswhen he caught sight of another abnormality, and connected it to the strangeweight on his leg.

Draped over his knee, Kazu was asleep. Chase used his otherhand to scoop the man up and deposit him beside Cammie in his right hand. Theyboth barely stirred. He searched around in the dark, looking for Valentina andYasamin. He found Yasamin had barely climbed up onto his form, and instead wasjust sort of hanging against the hip of his armor, slumped against it. Hepicked her up too, but was starting to run out of space in his one hand. Now,where was Valentina-

He turned his head, and felt him knock into something beforea weight flopped against his shoulder. Valentina had hidden themself on top ofthe groove created by the armor’s breastplate, leaning into its curve as itcurled over his shoulder, like it was a hammock. Chase carefully nudged themoff and caught them too, and then with both hands together, lifted histeammates close to his face as he stared down at their sleeping figures.

Because his hands were free of any armor, he could feeltheir warmth through his metal skin. It wasn’t just a weight pressing down ontohis skeletal frame, but instead he could feel them breathing, them moving aboutas Cammie rolled over again and nearly punched Kazu in the face.

Chase laughed softly as he tried not to wake them all up. Hewould have to ask them in the morning what brought them all out here. But, fornow, he just admired the senses he could feel transmitted through the Holon tohis brain, and savored it.

Perhaps this was the last thing that Doc had leftthem. Chase didn’t doubt that Weller hadn’t considered the possibility thatChase would do something this reckless. Maybe he saw it the moment Chase agreedto the program, saw that he was willing to die again, and decided he wouldn’tlet that happen. He created uptime so gen:LOCK candidates wouldn’t overclockthemselves to death, and then gave them all a sense of touch. Even thoughsometimes it caused them pain, he kept it in, to keep them feeling human.

To keep Chase feeling human.

He had to keep feeling human. He had lost his body, but nothumanity.

That was what the Union wanted, and as he looked down at thesleeping faces of his family, he refused to give them what they wanted.

Besides, if Cammie was able to interpret Doc’s notes soaccurately, who’s to say that she couldn’t go forward and do what even hecouldn’t do?

Chase tucked his friends close to his chest, and went intosleep mode again. This time, he dreamed.

[tsarisfanfiction]

Melt IV

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Angst Characters: John Tracy, Scott Tracy, Virgil Tracy, Gordon Tracy, EOS

Part 4 of my entry for @gumnut-logic‘s SensorySunday: Smell. Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

I’d say I’ve got this fic back on track - despite John going off on me at the start of this part - but that would be a lie.  I know where I think it’s going to go from here, but we’ll see if it listens to me.  I’m doubtful.

“Talk to me, Scott. What happened?”

Virgil wasn’t the only one worried.  All John had had was heat readings way past Scott’s suit’s parameters to deal with to tell him what was happening to his older brother as the avalanche had borne down on him and Gordon – who, aside from an increased heartrate and rising temperature in his gloves, had no maladies reaching Thunderbird Five’s sensors. Scott would no doubt be devastated when he found out that John had sacrificed Thunderbird One to the avalanche to shield them; ideally he’d have opened the cargo bay doors and swallowed both brothers up, away from the snow, but there were limitations to remote controlling Thunderbirds from space.  He’d done what he could, and no matter what Scott had to say about it later, John would never regret it.

Lives before machines.  Relegated to listening and watching rescues and his brothers’ recklessness (all four of them, no matter what Virgil might claim about being the responsible one), John had learnt to prioritise.  A Thunderbird could be repaired, or replaced.  A brother could not.

He had no desire to ever be the eldest brother, and if he had to destroy his sole big brother’s Thunderbird to keep that title away from him, then he’d do it as many times as it took. Similarly, he had no desire to end up an only child, nor indeed to have anything less than one older brother and three younger.  John had always had a gift for gaining unauthorised access, but it was with his own Thunderbird that he’d honed that to the art it was now.  His siblings thought he did it to help them with their missions, to take part as best he could.

They weren’t wrong; John was a member of International Rescue just as much as the rest of them.  It just wasn’t the entire reason – or even the main reason, if he was honest to himself. Gaining control of the most innocent of things – a plane door, a train signal – was always to keep his brothers as safe as they could possibly be in this dangerous job their father had left in their hands.

Sometimes, John resented their father for that, in his darkest moods, when there’d been yet another too close moment, when he’d been the sole witness to a brother’s breakdown because the pressure was just too much.  He resented him for leaving them, even if there was really no other way Jeff Tracy could have left the world – with a bang, saving lives.

That end awaited them, one day.  One day, all together or one by one, they wouldn’t come home from a rescue and the world would mourn a hero, forgetting that heroes had families, too. Up in space, in a constant state of danger as opposed to the ever-fluctuating levels his brothers threw themselves into, John didn’t know if he’d be the first or last to follow their parents.  He suspected the latter, because that was all he could ever do, wasn’t it?  Watch, and be useless when he most wanted to be able to do something.

He hadn’t been useless today.  He’d had Thunderbird One at his disposal, and both his brothers were alive.  It was just another day of too close, bringing back to the fore the ever-lurking fear that one day too close would become too late.

EOS was taking Thunderbird Two to the nearest hospital with a burn specialist unit.  Not New Zealand – for all that was their usual hospital, the local one they liked to use whenever they had a choice, there were other, better hospitals closer, and John was worried.

“The HeliPod exploded,” Scott rasped at him.  He looked awful, and John didn’t bother trying to convince himself that it was just the hologram’s blue tinge making him seem pale.  Enough of his big brother was being projected into his Thunderbird that he could see where his mangled uniform had been cut off, stuck to burns that should never had happened.  “Some of it landed on me.  Gordon tried- Gordon!  John, how is Gordon?”

Typical Scott.

“Gordon is fine.”  He knew for a fact that Scott had already been told that.  Several times.

“Has he woken up?”

“We’re talking about what happened,” John reminded him.  Gordon had woken up.  In fact, he’d been awake since Virgil had put him in the cargo pod, but all three brothers had unanimously decided that Scott was a higher priority.  If Scott was thinking properly, he’d have known that Virgil would not leave an unconscious patient alone for that long (as much as John hated it, as long as he was only there via hologram he didn’t count), but he wasn’t and all three of them had unashamedly preyed on his concern about Gordon to get him to co-operate.

Cruel?  Probably, but Scott had long since proven that the only way to get him to even vaguely co-operate with medical care was manipulation. They’d deal with Storm Scott later when he figured it out.

“Give me an update on Gordon, Thunderbird Five.”

Of course, the downside was that Scott had a single-track mind regarding their younger brother and getting him to focus on anything else would be an absolute nightmare.  Right now, John was rather concerned about an ‘exploding’ HeliPod, considering nothing Brains ever built and approved for use would explode unintentionally, and would appreciate more details.

Besides, Scott had suffered through the first stage of treatment.

“He has a broken leg and a broken wrist, but both breaks are clean,” John assured him.  “His suit protected him from the cold so there’s minimal concern regarding hypothermia.  His fingers have some first degree burns, but nothing of concern.  And yes, he has regained consciousness.”  Scott visibly relaxed, and John kept a close eye on him for an escape attempt even as a hurriedly typed message to Virgil informed him of the update to Scott’s knowledge. A moment later a text reply arrived.

Almost done w G.

“Now, what was that about the HeliPod exploding?” he asked Scott.  “That shouldn’t happen.”

“I don’t know,” his brother groaned.  “Gordon took us around the peak, and then it fireballed.”  No, John did not like the sound of that.

He immediately pulled up all the scans of the area, looking for anything that could have possibly caused a malfunction of that level.  Nothing immediately showed itself, but John was nothing if not persistent.

Especially when his brothers were involved.

“Thunderbird Two will be arriving shortly,” EOS chipped in, just as Virgil left the pod and headed back to Scott’s side.

“Thank you, EOS,” his brother said.  “Scott, this is your stop.”

“What?”  Scott sounded horrified at the idea, and John watched Virgil jump forwards to lightly hold him down, securing the straps enough to stop any successful escape attempts from their injured brother.  “What do you mean, my stop?”

“Exactly what I said,” Virgil said matter-of-factly.  “You might be conscious, but you’re still seriously injured beyond anything we can handle at base.”

“This hospital has a specialist burn unit,” John interjected, before Scott could start arguing back. It didn’t pacify their older brother at all, but there was nothing he could do about it as Thunderbird Two landed and Scott found himself being pushed out to the waiting paramedics. Virgil ushered the climbers out as well, to thanks and more apologies.

“We’re not leaving Scott there alone, are we?” Gordon asked him and he turned to his younger brother’s hologram.  Of all of them, Gordon knew best what it was like to be alone in a hospital, and always made a point of ensuring none of the rest of them were alone for long.  The only thing stopping him this time was his own injuries, none of which were severe enough to justify taking up hospital space when they could treat them just fine at home.

“Kayo’s on her way with Grandma,” he informed him.  Their sister was furious at what little information he’d already streamed her way, and it had taken some stern words from Grandma to get her to agree to go to the hospital instead of heading for the crash site to investigate.  “Scott won’t be alone.”  Gordon sighed but seemed pacified enough for the moment.

There was no cameras John could legally use in the hospital, but when it came to his brothers, John wasn’t overly concerned about legality.  It took barely a minute to get into the security system, tracking Scott’s journey and watching as he was taken straight to the burn ward.  There was no sound, but he could see Virgil debriefing one of the physicians before heading back to Thunderbird Two.

There was nothing more John could do for his brothers; EOS kept the feed from the hospital up in the corner, always showing whichever camera was currently focused on his brother, but John had better things to do than sit and watch helplessly as they began work on Scott’s injuries, although he couldn’t help glancing over periodically to see high-grade anaesthetic being administered before treatment began.

Thunderbird Shadow was quick to appear, landing next to Thunderbird Two.  John watched as hugs were exchanged, Grandma briefly entering the module to hug Gordon, and then the two women were heading inside.  He directed them to the relevant ward personally, rather than letting the well-meaning staff waylay them, then watched Thunderbird Two take off for home.

Satisfied for now that his brothers were in good hands, and allowing Gordon to patch himself through to a by now agitated Alan – who had been largely kept out of the loop and therefore getting more and more frustrated ever since Thunderbird Shadow had taken off – he turned his attention to the biggest concern of the day.

He needed to talk to Brains.

Part 5

[angerissue]

Bruce’s transformations into the Hulk seem simple on the surface, but there are many processes that facilitate the final result. This is a collection of meta that pertains to them.

🚫 Please do not reblog this post.

I. Foundations.

To commence, the changes that happen to Bruce during his transformations can be explained by the mass-energy equivalence formula. This formula explains that under certain extraordinary conditions, mass can become energy and vice versa. During the accident in 2006, Banner absorbed a tremendous amount of gamma radiation, which now resides in his amygdala as a form of condensed energy; it's not necessarily gamma radiation in the truest sense of the word anymore, but an unusual type of energy that can be controlled at will. Whenever Bruce unlocks the energy and releases it into the rest of his body, it becomes new mass that causes various amendments.

These amendments are blueprinted by the super soldier serum in Bruce’s cells, which he recreated and administered to himself during Gamma Pulse. However, because he used gamma radiation to activate the serum instead of vita radiation, he becomes the Hulk instead of undergoing subtle changes like Steve Rogers did. The usage of gamma radiation also gave Bruce the ability to revert to his original form, unlike Steve Rogers, who is completely unable to revert to his smaller and frailer self.

This means that technically, Bruce does not “turn into” the Hulk. He is the Hulk; it became his main form as soon as he absorbed the radiation.

In addition... Despite the super soldier serum's presence in his cells, the genes of his normal body are completely human and unchanged. His genetics do change a little (0.0001%) whenever he transforms, which lets him function on an enhanced level, but that's it.

II. General Process.

Transformations into the Hulk have two phases.

The first phase is considered "activation". Whenever Bruce is in his normal form, the radiation is usually locked in place and unable to leave his amygdala, because there's a kind of automatic barrier that prevents that from happening. But during the activation process, Bruce consciously removes this barrier, which is similar to removing the padlock from a door and opening it. This "unlocks" the radiation. As soon as this occurs, a small amount of the radiation will leave his brain, which he cannot stop. This causes his eyes to turn green and become bioluminescent, so they'll glow in the dark a bit. Not to the extent that a nocturnal animal's eyes will glow in the dark, because he lacks a tapetum lucidum, but certainly enough for someone to notice.

At this point, he can either lock the radiation again, or release it into the rest of his body via cellular diffusion.

If Bruce chooses to release the radiation, it will start the "initiation" phase, which is the main part of the transformations that happen when the radiation floods his body. Many changes happen in concurrence with each other. His heart becomes fortified and increases in size, which causes it to beat slower but more powerfully and efficiently. This also makes his blood pressure increase a lot. To compensate for this increase, which would otherwise make his blood vessels burst, the walls of his arteries and veins thicken and become more elastic in nature. The vessels can temporarily become distended and more pronounced beneath his skin, until further into the transformation process.

This is accompanied by a change in skin colour, which mottles across his body in a bruise-like manner that is reminiscent of blood leaking underneath his skin. The colouration is uneven at first, and usually becomes densest around his neck and torso, but it becomes more uniform as the transformation progresses. His blood and inner structures start to assume the same colouration. If samples of Bruce's blood are taken at different stages of the transformation, there will be an evident shift from red to brown, then finally to green, because the shift is not immediate. However, contrary to popular belief, Bruce's blood doesn’t turn entirely green — it retains some warmer notes. Because of this, the Hulk’s skin can seem flushed at times.

But the most prominent effect of the radiation is Bruce's growth spurt. In seven seconds or less, his weight increases from 158 pounds to 1,200 pounds, and his height increases from 5.7" to 8.6". This is caused by three different processes in his body. The first is the suppression of myostatin, which is a chemical that limits the amount of muscle in someone's body — moreover, the suppression allows the radiation to transcode itself into new muscle and change the cellular structure of preexisting muscle, both of which contributes to his increase in size. The second process is the extreme growth in his skeleton, which allows his bones to become thicker and more robust. This is because the radiation promotes the production of something called hydroxyapatite, a mineral that gives bones their strength; it also forces the osteoblasts in his skeleton, which are responsible for making new bone, to become more active and make millions of new cells. Because his bones are shifting during this process, his joints often release air bubbles, which causes a muffled cracking sound to be heard, similar to the sound when someone cracks their back or knuckles. And the final process is cellular hyperplasia / hypertrophy, which causes his cells to expand and increase in numbers across the board. This adds a large amount of new mass to his body. As his cells rearrange and increase in size, Bruce stops breathing for a few seconds, because his diaphragm, which is responsible for expanding and compressing the lungs, momentarily doesn’t work. He'll often take a breath after the transformation ends.

Because of these changes in his muscle and bone structure, Bruce’s proportions also change. He loses his slenderness in favour of a more compact and inhuman silhouette; his limbs become thicker in diameter, his shoulders broaden, and the characteristic features of his face shift, becoming more exaggerated, especially his brow, cheekbones, and jawbone. Even the ridge patterns of his fingerprints change, which makes it impossible to connect his forms via prints.

Bruce's brain releases serotonin and dopamine during his transformations, too. This is because his transformed state is considered more preferable to his mind and body than his normal form, so his brain gives positive feedback whenever he assumes it. He also theorizes there could be stressors in his normal form that he doesn’t notice on a conscious level, but they disappear when he transforms, so his brain breathes a sigh of relief.

Finally... Bruce's transformations aren't pretty. They're the opposite of that. The changes that happen are completely unnatural and shouldn't be possible for the human body, and this in itself can unnerve someone. Additionally, these changes are not completely uniform in occurrence, because certain facets of the doctor's body can change at different rates than the rest — not necessarily to the point of being comical, but still enough to be noticeable. This is similar to watching a time lapse video of something, but some of the sections are lagging or sped up a little bit. Many of his inner structures momentarily become more visible under his skin as well, including his blood vessels (as mentioned earlier), his muscles, and even his bones, especially around his knuckles. The sounds created by these process can also be uncomfortable to hear.

In consequence, it's not uncommon for people to react in a visceral manner when he transforms, or even suffer "vasovagal syncope", which causes them to become lightheaded or pass out. This happens even though Bruce himself doesn't make a fuss over the process now, and even though he's become very good at ensuring it goes as fluidly as possible.

III. Temperature.

Transformations will also cause Bruce's body temperature to increase a lot. While a normal human's body temperature is around 98.6° Fahrenheit, his temperature increases to upwards of 140° during the transformation itself, then it lowers to a toasty 109.7° once his form settles. Bruce believes the increase in temperature during his transformations is enough to cause burns, but he cannot confirm this, because the Hulk's healing abilities would heal any burns before they can become visible.

If someone were to touch Bruce as he were transforming, he would feel very hot, just on the cusp of being uncomfortably so. Afterwards, this will wear off and he’ll feel pleasantly warm.

IV. Healing.

The Hulk has impressive healing capabilities, which become even more effective and rapid when Bruce is actually in the middle of a transformation. If he's shot or otherwise injured in his normal form and he decides to transform, he can usually recover by the time the process is finished. Deeper injuries can require additional time, however.

V. Pain.

Before Bruce took the LR-05013 serum to control his condition, he would always experience severe pain whenever he transformed, unless he'd channeled enough anger, which could anesthetize the worst of it. This pain included the sensations of organ failure and joint dislocations, as well as bone, nerve, and muscle pain. It wasn't really unexpected, considering how much his temperature would increase and how much the structures in his body were tearing and reforming. Nowadays, while his transformations are the same as a whole, Bruce doesn't experience pain anymore, only a comfortable sensation of warmth — he would even consider the transformations to be pleasant, having a similar satisfaction to a deep stretch, or the feeling when someone cracks their knuckles. This is because the serum stops him from feeling pain from the radiation's presence in his amygdala, in addition to the pain from the transformations themselves. This pain was responsible for both the capriciousness of his transformations, and his inability to remain fully lucid as the Hulk.

Despite the lack of pain, Bruce can still feel the different components of his body shifting around. He can feel his joints popping out of place, and his muscle fibers pulling and condensing; as mentioned earlier, he would also see them if he looked at himself, because a lot of the effects are visible. These sensations bothered him at first, but he’s gotten used to them.

VI. Side Effects.

There are three main side effects of Bruce’s transformations.

The first one involves his proprioceptors. These are neurons that help someone’s body determine its position in space without visual aid — they allow someone to touch their nose when their eyes are closed, and know the location of their limbs even in a dark room. Because Bruce's body changes so much whenever he turns into the Hulk, his proprioceptors can sometimes have issues returning to normal when he reverts. Due to this, his movements could be inaccurate for a few hours afterwards. He might reach for an item or raise his hand to adjust his eyeglasses, but underestimate the distance needed to complete the action and miss entirely. He could also duck when he passes through doorways, because his body believes it's still "Hulk-sized".

The second side effect is bruising. When Bruce reverts, he gets subtle bruising across his clavicle and shoulder blades, which is because of the stress that his transformations put on his normal body. There would be more bruising, but the Hulk’s healing abilities persist until his reversions are almost complete, allowing the majority of it to heal and disappear. This also means the bruises are usually yellow (indicating older bruises) instead of blue and purple, and they only last a few hours.

The third side effect is hunger. Bruce doesn't eat whenever he's in a transformed state, because he cannot keep any sustenance down unless it was already in his system before he transformed. Additionally, any sustenance that was already in his system will be metabolized with excellent efficiency, meaning his digestive tract will be completely empty once he reverts. Reversions also expend a lot of calories in general because of how much stress they put on his body, so Bruce will always be extremely tired and hungry afterward, and need to eat something in order to recuperate.

VII. Partial Transformations.

Bruce has total command over his condition, so he can easily send the radiation to certain parts of his body instead of producing a complete transformation. For instance, he'll often summon small amounts of muscle for menial, unremarkable tasks, like removing a stubborn lid from a jar.

However, Bruce never humours more sizable transformations, like transforming an entire limb on its own. This can have dangerous consequences — the affected part will become heavier and far more demanding of oxygen, and his normal body cannot support this increase unless it transforms, too. He can suffer hypoxia, low blood pressure, dislocated joints, and even broken bones. Bruce has passed out from attempting these kinds of transformations, and he doesn’t want to repeat that mistake.

(To put this into perspective... A man’s arm usually accounts for approximately 3.3% of his total body weight. If Bruce’s transformed state weighs 1,200 pounds, his arm alone would weigh 396 pounds, without even accounting for proportional discrepancies between his two forms, which would raise the weight even more. It is impossible for his normal body to accommodate this. He could potentially work with 1/4 of that weight, but only if there is support beneath his arm, and if he can monitor his breathing and oxygen levels the whole time. So yeah, there won’t be any weirdness with freakishly huge body parts here.)

VIII. Unconscious Transformations.

Occasionally, Bruce can experience unconscious and automatic transformations. These most commonly occur when he's asleep and having a nightmare, at which time a green tint could ghost across his skin. This is similar to how someone can mumble or toss and turn in their sleep. If the dream is bad enough, Banner could even transform entirely, which often wakes him up. Unconscious transformations can also happen when he's awake, and he's either surprised or extremely mad; on these occasions, the radiation in his amygdala can momentarily unlock and turn his eyes green.

IX. Amnesia.

Before Bruce took the serum, he suffered amnesia whenever he transformed, as there was an "imperfect" connection between his normal and transformed states in terms of memory formation, storage, and retrieval. However, this isn't an issue now — the serum has allowed Bruce to remember everything that happens when he's the Hulk, even if he's currently in his normal form. The memories can be hazy from time to time, because the connection between his two forms still isn't 100% spotless, but he merely needs to think a bit harder, as if he's attempting to recall a vivid dream.

Nowadays, Bruce will only suffer amnesia if his alter, Hulk, decides to front in his DID system. On these occasions, his core identity will be unconscious and totally incapable of forming new memories. This has nothing to do with his transformed state; it's only because Hulk is suppressing his core identity and not allowing him to remember anything. That's all. Furthermore, if Bruce didn’t actually transform at these times and remained in his normal form, the situation would be the same and he’d still have amnesia.

X. Withdrawal.

Bruce needs to transform at least once per week. This is because ever since the accident, the "natural" and "optimal" state of his body has been his transformed state, rather than his normal one. He didn’t need to transform every week before he took the serum, because the radiation was always leaking into the rest of his cells in small amounts, which tricked his body into thinking he was transformed. But ever since he took the serum, the radiation has been completely confined to his amygdala unless he consciously decides to release it. If he doesn’t transform enough now, the radiation will leak into the surrounding cells of his brain, and in a troublesome manner.

This will cause him to become cranky, aggressive, and claustrophobic until it’s impossible for him to function indoors. He could also suffer involuntary shifts in eye and skin colour, which are very tough to predict and control. This could draw unwanted attention to him in public and have interpersonal repercussions, not to mention it unnerves him in a general sense, because he doesn’t like losing control over himself.

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