#stop binarizing nonbinary people

[redtail-lol]

I'm like 100% convinced that EVERYONE who says "nonbinary isn't a third gender" genuinely doesn't give a shit about nonbinary people and wants to erase them by saying we're all just men and/or women in funky ways.

I mean yeah people who ARE men and/or women in funky ways can ID as nonbinary and people who have no gender can be nonbinary and all that but literally there's so many identities under nonbinary that are literally "third" genders, including just identifying as nonbinary. Maverique, aporagender, countless xenogenders, neutrois, countless cultural third genders, aliagender, and many others.

Stop fucking trying to get rid of nonbinary people and place us within the binary.

[this-is-exorsexism]

Hi, how do I get rid of internalized exorsexism in myself. I myself am AFAB transneu/neutrois, but sometimes I feel like I have to be a boy since I'm not a girl, and sometimes I'll read about a nonbinary person here on tumblr or look at a picture of a nonbinary person and realize I am internally binarizing them. How do I stop thinking this way?

hi!

this isn't actually an advice blog but i'll answer this anyway.

i don't have much personal experience with exorsexism directed at myself, so i can't give much advice on that, but as for binarising other people... don't beat yourself up over it. you sound like you're already aware enough not to do this out loud, which is already an important step. gendering people is very much a learned behaviour and i think i've seen a study somewhere that said that this happens automatically within milliseconds. it takes conscious effort to unlearn this. and to be completely honest with you, i've been out for nearly 7 years and have been thinking about this stuff for just as long and i still struggle with this as well. i highly recommend basically consciously correcting your thoughts when they happen, like when you find yourself calling a nonbinary person a man or using she/her for someone who doesn't in your head, correct yourself and repeat your thoughts with the right pronouns and terms. i find this to help quite a bit, when i compare how i think about people now vs. 4-5 years ago.

[caffeineandsociety]

I hate how a lot of people will just prepend "white" to their lateral aggression to make it out like what they're saying ISN'T a horrible bigoted stereotype, cringe culture, or both, but a super harmful behavior of the most privileged subgroup of this marginalized group-

Not least of all because it makes it all that much harder to talk about things that ARE constructs of white supremacy, but not OBVIOUSLY connected to whiteness.

For example, binarism isn't exclusive to white people, but it is rooted in white supremacy because it positions the male/female binary as THE absolute and scientific model of gender, not culture-linked at all, unlike the models of other cultures that may include (who we label as) trans, nonbinary, and/or intersex people as just...people who exist, not some kind of aberration; THOSE are basically just whimsical superstition from ancient times before modern medicine. It becomes obvious when you get that far out loud, but most people don't get that far! Most people stop at "there are men and women...and a few fringe cases, I guess", and never question it any further.

Strict adherence to Euroamerican diagnostic standards of disability is also an issue rooted in white supremacy - while we know more about medicine now than ever before, bodies are still complex and a lot of issues are still hard to pin down the causes of, especially when they're mental/behavioral/neurological; theres a lot we know, but a lot more that we still don't. These days we share scientific literature around the world, but it doesn't change the fact that conventional wisdom implies different relations between different symptoms and conditions in different cultures, and it's naive at best to assume that all the correct ideas that will lead to new breakthroughs are found in Europe and North America and everyone else is, again, just superstitious. It's also dangerous to assume that the impacts of disability are identical no matter where you go, and not just in terms of what accommodations are available; sometimes culture can even affect how symptoms manifest - for example, schizophrenia tends to come with much less scary hallucinations in cultures that don't demonize people who have it.

The idea that every culture models the concept of race the same way, while more obviously race-related, is another white supremacist idea that often flies under the radar, which is particularly alarming to me considering how fast it can turn a critique of stereotypes exported to various parts of the world into basically leftist-flavored race science.

There is a problem with a subset of environmental activism that refuses to meet the urgency of the moment, aims to solve the problem through "premium" consumer products, or insists that climate change is coming for us all "equally" when it's not - it's coming for us all eventually, yes, but the people hit the first and the hardest are the impoverished people in areas that already have difficult climates to live in who can't afford to move, this is already causing wars and wildfires and more - but that doesn't mean that all environmental concerns are just white virtue-signaling, contrary to stereotypes.

There are more examples - a LOT more examples. It gets much harder to talk about these connections when instead people are, for example, taking respectability politics potshots at random queer people and calling it anti-racism because "stop being such a stereotype, you're making us all look bad" rightfully doesn't fly.

[saccharinemeat]

Hi! Do you have a more specific DNI? Cuz like idk if you allow exclus (ppl who believe that aro/ace aren't LGBT but are still valid and deserve their own space), truscums (ppl who believe that dysphoria of any level is needed to be trans) and people like that to interact with you, y'know?

i dont want to make a more detailed dni cause im tired and yall should make your own judgements. however, anon, here's the answer

NO TRUSCUM ALLOWED

no truscum,no terfs,no transmeds, no transphobes at all.

NO EXCLUS

no aroace exclus, no nonbinary "skeptics", no anti mspec lesbians. no biphobes/panphobes.

and very especially NO people that define nonbinary people as either "non men" or "non woman". nonbinary people are neither women or men stop goddamn binarizing us

[agp]

for those wondering what the opposite (equating trans identity with nonbinary identity on trans terms) would look like: thats when we say shit like 'theres no such thing as a binary trans person' as a means to deny the nature of the obstacles particular people face: the coloniality of gender.

coloniality is universalizing. it claims to explain all. it pigeonholes. it makes boxes to sort us into and calls it to be all there is. western gender norms are binary. it is a set of two boxes. this 'binarism' is specifically the coloniality of the binary: the universalization of its mode of interpretation and dominance.

and this hiearchy of categorization produces differences that are difficult to talk about. no i dont think a binary between binary and nonbinary trans people that fits all trans people makes sense on its own. i dont think whiteness or transness or womanhood stand to reason on their own either tbh. but i do think the coloniality of gender seeks to understand and explain us, and we exist in relation to these boxes that rule our lives

'stop drawing boxes' shouldnt be something you say to someone describing the boxes they are limited by. thats what were struggling against. its what you should say to the institutions that people seek help in their struggle with. its the same logic people use when white people complain about the race card (or any other 'card'). acknowledging our differences when we abuse each other over them is difficult. we scapegoat the one trying to address an existing issue as the one whose fault it all is for 'drawing' the line rather than listening to them describe what had been drawn against them.

and yeah in western settler society some trans women have more obstacles than others. those who deride us for asserting conflicting identities along with our womanhood have reasons for doing so that continue to justify their violence and enable its perpetuation. some people existentially cannot consider themselves challenging the coloniality of gender the way others do. and some people refuse to treat nonbinary trans women and our problems through more than the vector of transmisogyny. our problems are more than just passing problems you catty assholes. and the catty assholes on our side arent any better for insisting all trans womens problems, including all the problems of those who identify as binary, are really just nonbinary problems.

as settlers our perspectives are privileged within the coloniality of gender and our ways of struggling are given precedence over indigenous peoples ways of struggling because this protects and maintains colonial hegemony. my way of seeing this is only another coloniality of gender. but this is because i am colonized and live in a colonial society that itself lives on those divisions.

the equating of trans and nonbinary identity has political repercussions for both groups of people because thats what they are: political tools. this equivalence is not a form of solidarity it is obfuscation and denial. please stop trying to align the two so your coloniality of gender can be simpler for yourself while more restricting to those who are exploited by it and in line with hegonic ways of managing our becomings.

[mellifluousoctopus]

how are you trans and gatekeeping nonbinary people like what about that makes sense

[butch-bakugo]

Im tired n two spirit so lets go ahead.

I hear alot of people arguing to include two spirit people in the lgbt community inherently because " in their culture, this was the modern equivilant of nonbinary/third gender/trans". Btw, if your white, shut up about including cultural genders in the lgbt community, THIS IS PLACE WHERE YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO US.

That's not what two spirit is and i identify as all three of those labels.

Heres some definitions.

Two spirit is a indiginous( more specifically to native Americans and first nations Canadians) gender label that got nearly erased from history due to colonizers miseducation and binarism/transphobia. It means that the individual in question houses both a male and female spirit. It could be self identified, be related to intersexism, crossdressers or be a term for (what would be considered) lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender people. The official definition of it varies from tribe to tribe.

Nonbinary: someone who is not 100% female or 100% male all of the time.

Trans: someone who dose not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth.

Third gender:( which got its roots/is typically used racistly) a gender that is not female or male, but something else entirely.

Its very important to note that even though yes, two-spirit is similar to nb/trans/third gender, most of those terms are based in the WHITE understanding of gender/sex and its roles in society and thus cant be cut and pasted into indiginous culture.

Two spirit people can be lgbt but its not an inherently lgbt identity. The lgbt community is mostly white and so are most of its definitions so yall cant get upset that people of other non-white cultures navigate these labels "wrong". We are litterally just trying to survive and label ourselves in a way we have for centuries.

Stop trying to force two spirit people into the lgbt community. We dont have to be there and we arent all lgbt. Learn to stay in ur fucking lane.

White people and non-indigenous poc are REQUIRED to reblog.

[ratbastarddotfuck]

In reference to that last post i reblogged, I do often wonder WHY we don't hold cis gay men accountable for their transphobia against trans men the same way we do cis gay women for their transmisogyny. I think I talked about this before, a long while ago, but I lost the post. In any case, I imagine it's a combo of a few things:

- general societal misogyny and toxic masulinity or: the way we hold women more accountable for being shitty people than we do men, because boys will be boys!

- the fact that TERFs are such a well-known and oft-talked about transphobic subculture, taking most of the heat for discussions about general transphobia (especially in online spaces)

- the fact that trans women are (generally speaking) more visible/more heavily represented in the mainstream than trans men, thus making transmisogyny more present

- transmisogyny in general, and the way it is often more visibily violent than transphobia towards trans men

- the way (white) gay cis men are just allowed to get away with whatever the fuck they do anyway and not really ever face real repurcussions for being shitty

This post is absolutely not intended to absolve cis wlw of their transmisogyny or say that we should talk about that transmisogyny less. Transmisogyny is pervasive, violent, and terrible.

However, I do think it is important to unpack and further call out cis mlm transphobia and the way they interact with trans men. Like I've said in the past, and like the post I just reblogged brought up, cis lesbians talking about penis-repulsion is a well known terf dogwhistle by now, but cis gay men will go on about how awful and disgusting they think vaginas are for days with very little pushback.

So, like I said - transmisogyny is pervasive and violent, and by no means should we stop talking about it or calling it out. But the flipside is that because it is so pervasive, we are much better at spotting it and calling it out. Masterposts of TERF dogwhistles, etc. But we are far less adept and spotting and calling out transphobia towards trans men, and far far less good at spotting transphobia towards nonbinary people (the binarism and bioessentialism in the larger queer community is a huge issue but it's not for this post), and we need to learn these things and start really holding cis gay men accountable for their transphobia.

[garnetrena]

Double Trouble and representing nonbinary people by non-human characters

Season 4 of the She-Ra Netflix reboot came out this week and it counts a nonbinary character, Double Trouble, who is voiced by a nonbinary actor, Jacob Tobia. I was thrilled by the news, and so was most of the fandom. And I loved this flamboyant, dynamic and playful new character.

However, there's currently a discourse in the fandom about them - and I don't talk about the stupid enbyphobes who refuse to use their pronouns accurately. The problem is that Double Trouble is a shapeshifting lizard. Of course, it's relevant to the plot, and it's also a nod to the original She-Ra series. But it bugs me, and I'm going to explain why.

First, I must say that She-Ra is incredible towards queer representation. It's mostly because her creator, Noelle Stevenson, is a lesbian married to another woman, and stated that she knows how much representation matters.

So Spinarella and Netossa are canonically dating, Bow has two loving dads who also are brown-skinned, and Scorpia appears to have two moms as well. Here's for the canon part.

Many people also headcanon Bow and Perfuma Perfuma as trans people, Catra and Adora definitely have ex-girlfriends vibes, and Huntara seems to flirt with many other women. And that's just a few details in an ocean of gay content.

I'm really happy with it, but I think that the show could have handled nonbinary differently. It's very frequent to make non-human characters being nonbinary, and it's a problem for many reasons.

First, it gives the idea that gender binarity is deeply human, and that everyone who can't grasp it isn't one. Then, it also alienates the nonbinary community, because our main representation is about aliens, robots or monsters.

But I have a peculiar take about this last point. I don't think we should stop to make nonbinary aliens, robots, monsters, etc. On the contrary, I think that we should normalize the representation of at least aliens and robots as nonbinary beings.

Why? Because gender binarity is cultural and relative, and also very Occidental. There's no reason why they should subscribe to this. This is idea behind all the Gems of Steven Universe being nonbinary, for example.

Culturally, HomeWorld doesn't have the concept of gender at all. However, the Crystal Gems don't mind being perceived as women, have a female-presenting gender expression, and use she/her pronouns. But it's not their gender identity, and it's how Rebecca Sugar, creator of the show and nonbinary herself/themselves, feels as well.

Another example: Janet from The Good Place. She's "not a robot, not a girl", and she insists on it, even if she's female-presenting and uses she/her pronouns. And I think it's important to show this experience as well.

A character like Syd from One Day At A Time is very important too, because they're totally human, which is very much needed. But I think that the more the merrier, and we should celebrate each new nonbinary character.

The solution isn't to avoid having nonbinary characters. The solution is to create A LOT of nonbinary characters, especially human ones, and to diversify their representation.

[Transphobes, enbyphobes, TERFs, SWERFs, transmeds, truscums etc. DON'T INTERACT]

[imoga-pride]

NEB Flag

NEB, more specifically NEBNOB (non-binary exclusive bi nonbinary): a bisexual nonbinary person who chooses to only pursue their attraction to non-binary folks. Alt. words: nebnonb, nebnb/nebn-b, nebenby/nebenbie(s), nebnonbin/nebnobin, nebnbi, nebnonbi, nebenb/neben, nebonb, nebneu, nebnby, nebnbie(s).

This includes:

nonbinaries who are significantly more attracted to non-binaries and therefore wouldn't be happy with a binary person;

they don’t feel safe dating/mating binary people and are protecting themselves from reliving past traumas or from being introduced to intimate partner binary violence;

they’ve never dated a binary folk and don’t plan on starting anytime soon; 

maybe other nonbinary pals are the only ones who give them affectional attention so its not really a “choice” per say to be NEB; 

tired of being pressured to perform binarity by binary partners; 

they’ve stopped dating binaries for political or spiritual reasons.

I know there’s diamoric, enbian/cypric, ceteroflexible, aniso-/homoflexible and maybe more related terms. But this is me just being extra about identities.

Note: this is totally separated from febfem etiologies, it exists independently and autonomously. Anyways I don’t support feb/meb because it’s rooted in a cissexist, intersexist and exorsexist conception of bisexuality into sex binary and male-female dichotomies, along with its derived terms (mebmal, febmal, mebfem), furtherly used to exclude trans folks. However feel free to identify however you want, keep in mind it’s not your decision to self-determine another person’s gender, this freedom of yours is incompatible with one’s to self-identify their own gender.

[kienansidhe]

sometimes i think abt the fact that some of my best and smartest friends still refuse to engage with me on the topic of contrapoints so i can explain how she literally believes many of the same things they believe in but approaches them in a different way, because her purpose as contrapoints is not simply to state that something is, but to unpack why we say that it is and to try and publicly open a dialogue about how to communicate ourselves to people who do not understand us.

like i get that its not our obligation to explain ourselves to cis ppl and transmeds, i get that many of us dont want to or dont have the spoons to do so, and thats okay! but i wish ppl werent so opposed to that conversation happening. i wish there were some way i could get my friends to see that no, contrapoints does not actually hate nonbinary people, questions her own binarism herself, never wanted to be The Trans Voice in the first place, and at the end of the day is trying to push for unity among queer ppl rather than division by encouraging understanding and communication rather than cutting one another off based on trigger words that might in fact unintentionally obscure similar or identical beliefs.

in fairness, i have been extremely timid in my small attempts to broach the topic of contrapoints in said friend groups because i am, as always, terrified of losing people. chalk it up to trauma from my last group of friends being, well, antis. so like maybe my friends will in fact not drop me for defending natalie wynn. maybe the issue is just that i need to stop fawning the instant friends disagree with me. i do have to figure out the best approach here. i really do.

but like i rlly rlly love contrapoints and i wish i could talk about her with some of the people i love and trust most. :/

[nonbinarywiki]

Hiya, how do I explain to someone that nonbinary people are real? He doesn't even believe in binary trans people, but he's not someone I can stop talking to or get away from. He's always very... disrespectful(?) when talking about nonbinary people, and it's really getting to me now that we're roleplaying with a group of characters that are all nonbinary(aliens). He refuses to even try using they/them pronouns for them, which really bothers me. Any advice..?

Hey! (To anyone else reading this, CW: discussion of binarism/transphobia) I'm so sorry you have to be around that person, he's being a dick, but I'm guessing that if you can't get away from him you're family or close in another sense, in which case he probably cares about you and should want to listen to what you have to say- and if he doesn't then he's even worse then I thought, and I'm doubly sorry you're in that position.

I find the best thing is just calmly + logically responding to their points. If he says "there's only two genders", ask him what makes someone that gender. If he says whatever transphobic nonsense about chromosomes or genitals, ask 

He's never actually checked his chromosomes, he doesn't know what they are

What about trans people who have GRS?

He'll probably say something about it being about what you're born with, in which case ha! He's admitting that mentally there's no difference between men and women, and that if he just woke up in an afab body tomorrow then he'd be a woman because ofc that's the 'only factor'. Essentially admitting everyone's nonbinary.

I know for that I sort of assumed he'd follow a certain argument, but in my experience transphobes don't have many cards up their sleeve, and most are easily debunked. I find its best to just be calm if this is a discussion that needs to happen (ofc when possible, better solution is to walk away. With anyone you can get away from, please don't feel forced to explain yourself unless you want to).

I know its easier said then done, because these discussions are emotional, but he'll probably work himself up over what you're saying so if at all possible for you to stay calm, it'd help. I'd say just.. Whenever he says something that's not ok, correct him. He's gonna get very wound up very quickly, but remind him that if he gets to express his views on the subject so can you. Eventually he might end up getting so annoyed he doesn't mention it, and what you've been telling him might even sink in!

Another alternative, once you feel comfortable he won't entirely disregard it, is sending him resources and articles online about being trans + nonbinary.

Hope some of this helped! Feel free to message again if you want anything else.

—Matte

[cryfemme]

i accidentally deleted my post on this earlier, so:

with all of this bullshit going around about "nbphobia" and "binary people having this and this and this", i think you all need to be reminded that the idea that binary people have any sort of privilege over nonbinaries is transmisogynistic. "binarism" isn't a real issue; us nonbinary people are treated so inexplicably better than trans women by everyone, even the most transphobic individuals. they are not in a position of power over us for being binary. now shut up and stop crying over someone making fun of a word.

i am not a trans woman, so feel free to correct or criticize me on anything i've said.

[nonbinaryproofpost-blog]

Hi, nonbinary people are real, stop being willfully ignorant! Here’s your gigantic proof post!

Featuring your Fed The Fuck Up host, me. Sorry I’m so angry throughout, you get that way after being shit all over because people can’t do their research, and it’s become exhausting to try and be nice when I’ve dealt with so much fucking bullshit from people just straight up ignoring the truth. Anyway.

Warning: some sources may use mixed information or language, such as asserting binarism, so please refer to the whole section about those as social constructs for what you also need to know regarding those things, thank you. Many who believe NB people exist still don’t know about how the sex binary isn’t a binary as well, hence the long explanations. Believe me, that section is very extensive.

You will be linked to pages on my blog with all your sources. Don’t expect me to come to your home and click them for you. If you’re too lazy to click some links because you like scratching your ass and ignoring facts, please cease to exist at your earliest convenience.

This is a constantly-updated blog, with the pages of sources being added to and updated. That’s why all the information is available on separate pages, and also because the google document I used is just too damn big to fit in one post. If you have information you’d like included, or if you’d like your link/post removed, please feel free to ask.

Here is the link to the google doc for a comprehensive version.

Let’s just say the most important things right here:

The trans flag’s designer made it with the white stripe reflecting nonbinary people:

http://point5cc.com/the-history-of-the-transgender-flag/

The stripe in the middle of the trans flag is white, for those who are intersex, transitioning or consider themselves having a neutral or undefined gender.

http://brotoro.tumblr.com/post/163357639284/hey-truscum-the-creator-of-the-trans-flag-made-a

timestamp 1:06

WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) Links:

-Identity Recognition Statement, urging governments to create a nonbinary option. (I think the gender marker in general should be abolished but…)

-Volume 7 Standards of Care mentioning genderqueer and other nb identities as valid orientations. (Read directly under section V. But the whole document in general is unanimously supportive of nonbinary people

Psychiatry.org’s take-

‘Some people who use this term do not consider themselves as matching a binary gender category. In addition, new terms such as genderqueer, bigendered, and agendered are increasingly in use.’ - via the american psychiatric association.

And now, our pages! Please click to find links to your sources! These will be updated whenever necessary!

Articles About What/Who Nonbinary People Are, Some By Major Organizations (page 1)

Sex and Gender are Social Constructs (page 2)

Pronoun and Gender History (page 3)

Acknowledgement of NB Identities In the Real World (page 4)

Some questions to ask if you still aren’t convinced (page 5)

update and repost 11/22/18 

mod is a diagnosed dysphoric trans nonbinary person.

[tooangrymustinternet]

For my cisgender friends, followers, and allies:

This is a long post. It's long because what I need you all to understand is complicated and nuanced, so it cannot be summarized in a short post if I want you to actually understand. Please bear with me, and please read the whole thing if you can, as I will consider that an act of love, allyship, and/or community. (Skip the glossary if you don't need it of course.) ____________________ Glossary of Terms in this Post

♡ Binarism (noun) - This is a specific form of sexism and transphobia that elevates binary genders (men and women) above all others. As of this posting, binarism is currently so pervasive that most people don't realize they are participating in it.

♡ Binary [genders] (adj) - This term refers to men and to women, regardless of cis or trans.

♡ Cis/Cisgender (adj) - Cis is a shortening of cisgender (sometimes written as cis gender). Cisgender people are people whose gender identity, sex assigned at birth, gender presentation, and chosen/performed gender role all line up in one neat little package. Mainstream western culture likes to pretend that all people are cisgender.

♡ Nonbinary (adj) - This term refers to the entire category of people who are not strictly 100% men or 100% women. Sometimes it refers to people who are somewhere between the two; sometimes it refers to people who are totally off of that spectrum and have genders entirely separate from it; there are a lot of possibilities, but the bottom line is that this is a category of genders which intersects with the word "transgender" like a Venn diagram.

♡ Segender (adj) - This term refers to someone whose gender is not recognized within their own culture. It is not a specific gender, but rather describes the state of a person's gender just like "cisgender" and "transgender" are not specific genders. In Western cultures, many people of nonbinary genders are segender. Other cultures are more likely to recognize one or more nonbinary gender.

♡ Sexism (noun) - prejudice, stereotyping, and/or discrimination in thought or action, on the basis of either sex or gender. Sexism is, as most people reading this know, highly pervasive. Our society is actively working to correct this.

♡ Trans/Transgender (adj) - Trans is a shortening of transgender (sometimes written as trans gender). Transgender people are people whose gender identities do not match the gender assigned to them at birth. This is a loose term; there are people who technically fit this definition but do not identify as cis or trans.

♡ Transphobia (noun) - a form of sexism which raises cis people and/or harms trans people. Transphobia is pervasive, but as of this posting, it is finally being talked about a lot more so things finally have a chance to start getting better. ____________________ PART ONE: Pervasiveness of Binarism

Binarism is pervasive in our culture. The idea that everyone is either a man or a woman is simultaneously false, and something our culture has steeped itself in. From binary check boxes on dating apps and doctor intake forms, to binary restrooms, to phrases like "Ladies and gentlemen," or "boys and girls," the concept that other people exist too has been purged from our cultural collection of colloquialisms, constructs, and more.

This means that the number of segender genders here is pretty darn high. It also means that binarism is one of the most common forms of transphobia. And that, my dear friends and community members who have decided to read this essay, is the first main point I need you to understand or the rest of what I have to say in this won't make sense. Binarism is a specific form of erasure and bias related so strongly to transphobia and sexism that a lot of people refer to it as a subset of those things. It is the erasure of the existence of nonbinary people like me to the point of not being able to safely use dating apps or public restrooms because they don't exist for us. And that's just the built environment; I haven't even begun to touch on being treated with respect by the people we interact with, in a culture where strangers will almost certainly never get our genders right.

Right now, as I write this, I can't handle talking about how afraid I am of gender-based violence and murder or the very real reasons I have for those fears, so I am going to skip that part.

I don't think I know how to describe the sheer depth and breadth of binarism people like me deal with on a daily basis, so I ask that you consider that it is similar to any other form of sexism in that it happens All The Time. Every time I want to use the bathroom at work, I have to walk to a different building because the restrooms are segregated and none of the ones for people like me are available in my building. Exactly once in my life, a stranger assumed the correct gender for me. The rest of the time, it's a day-long mix of Sirs and Ma'ams from well-meaning people who I know are trying to be polite despite their massive failures at it. There's a lot more, but I want to move on to my next point. Just know that binarism hurts me and others like me several times per day. That's just life for people like me in western cultures. Sucks to be segender in that sense. ____________________ PART TWO: On Being Silent

I work 2 jobs, both in academia. I commute with a mixture of car, bus, train, and walking on most days. This means I run into a lot of people. Almost every time I do, gender comes up in a bad way due to the pervasive nature of binarism. When this happens, I have a variety of choices.

Do I correct and educate the person? Do I stay silent? Do I just sort of laugh and make a joke about it in what is often a vain hope that they'll realize it's actually a softened callout? The answer varies dramatically in terms of the situation, my mood, and my energy level.

I often stay silent with these one on one encounters simply because I don't have the energy to deal with it. Yet, every time I do that, I find myself kicking myself for it mentally for hours after the encounter. Why? I have had some variation of this conversation countless times:

Me: **attempts to educate**

Person: "My friend is trans and I said this in front of them, and they didn't mind, so I don't get what your problem is."

Me: "Your trans friend said this was okay?"

Person: "No, but they didn't say anything, so they don't have a problem with it."

Trans people often say nothing. Some of us have these education conversations several times per day, some of us opt to never have them. Different people find different things stressful, so some trans or nonbinary people are more likely to ask strangers to change transphobic or binarist behavior than people they know well, while others are more likely to have that conversation with friends than with strangers. But in just about all cases, it takes energy. That energy is not always there, and it's not uncommon for someone to have already reached their quota for these kinds of conversations for the day before you do or say something transphobic or binarist in front of them without even realizing it.

Someone staying silent in front of you does not mean that what you did is acceptable. ____________________ PART THREE: On Speaking Up

Everyone is different, but I know that for me, I'm far more likely to speak up in a group setting than I am in a one on one setting. This is for a variety reasons that go well beyond the simple fact that it is also simply less frightening and stressful to me personally. These other reasons culminate in the end result of a lot less work for myself and others like me.

If someone does something transphobic or binarist and I stay silent, as I have shown above, I know they will think that I think their action is just fine and may even use my silence to justify their actions to others when called out later on the same thing. This is (obviously) damaging to the entire goal of reducing the ambient levels of transphobia and binarism, but it becomes far more so when this happens in a group setting. An entire group relearns the wrong cultural lesson when transphobia and binarism go unchecked. Instead, I say something, and that way the entire group can learn together. Because it is absolutely a learning process.

This goes well in spaces where accountability and intentional reduction of social harms is part of the norm. In these spaces, things like "hey that was kinda racist," or "could you change this so it is not transphobic" are met with thanks for the opportunity to self-correct, discussion for the sake of learning, and apologies. These discussions allow everyone in the group to learn the same lesson together and support each other in this learning process. I like this because it allows me to learn from others' mistakes as well as my own instead of continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again. I also like this because it's a LOT more efficient at reducing those ambient levels of transphobia and binarism I was talking about than talking to one person at a time.

I keep having the same exact education conversations over and over again on a nearly daily basis, so I am absolutely certain that these group conversations help a lot more people learn the same lesson than me putting the same amount of energy into a private conversation and only helping one person learn how to stop being an accidental asshole. Besides, then I can stop watching the faces of the other trans people in any given group fall in marginalized silence. It breaks my heart to watch that.

But anyway, this only works in these groups where people want to do better and care more about accountability in terms of how their actions impact others than they do about appearing to be perfect. In other spaces, it causes a shit show. ____________________ PART FOUR: My Request

So, if you have made it this far, you finally have the context for what I request:

If I or someone else lets you know that something you did or said was transphobic or binarist and asks you to make a change, please keep in mind that speaking up at all is often a fearful thing for us. We are afraid of physical and verbal violence, of losing social capital, of being told we are being dramatic or otherwise not being taken seriously, of losing your friendship, and more. If we thought you didn't want to learn or do better, we wouldn't bother. In that sense, it's a compliment, even though it feels uncomfortable if you aren't accustomed to accountability culture (and sometimes even then). Those of us who are accustomed to accountability-oriented spaces can forget that this isn't the assumption a lot of people have.

Take feedback to heart, and if the conversation starts publicly and you're able to keep it there, please do so as an act of allyship. Transparency and accountability are acts of allyship when it comes to these things because they become agents of cultural shift.

Thanks for reading my essay, I hope it makes sense. Again, questions are welcome in the comments.

[scriptlgbt]

I have nb characters in my story, but cis characters do talk about the 'opposite' sex. Will nb characters correct them into saying 'different' sex instead? But in their defence, at the time they are talking about boys vs girls, which still are opposites even when nb exists, doesn't it? It's like north and south are opposite directions, but that doesn't mean every direction in between isn't valid.

These definitely aren’t actually opposites, but nonbinary characters might not feel safe or comfortable correcting them. There’s also the colonial angle of binarism (these genders don’t exist on a binary scale in every culture, and it assumes a universal gender system where there isn’t, and pushes that). For example, I don’t correct strangers who misgender me. I just don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so, and I am just frankly not willing to have in person conversations with people where I’m defending myself or explaining my personal identity and existence every time this happens. If it’s an online setting, I might feel safer because it’s a setting where people I trust are likely to see people I’m interacting with if they are getting aggressive, and I can get reassurance or even backup in some cases if I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t do that with people I interact with in person, and I can’t just block someone from interacting with me in person, or stop them from trying to follow me or chase me or figure out where I live or places I hang out. I’ve had issues with stalking before and I try to pick my battles - not because those battles aren’t worth fighting or important to fight, but because I very literally cannot fight them without direct danger to myself.If the cis characters are considered to be allies, they should probably check with the trans character, who would probably correct them then. Even just adding the word “binary” after opposite will probably make it better. I usually say “the other binary gender” or just say men or women depending.- mod nat