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a-magpie-witchling-sideblog · 6 years

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The one where Rosario has anger management issues, Julian leaves her, she almost punches him, and then vents it off on poor Asra.

Word count: 2,352

Based on The Chariot chapter III of Julian’s route.

“A nice night for sailing, don’t you think?”

“Every night is good for sailing… In fact, we could get a boat right now.”

I turn around and grin at him.

“Rose…”

“We could steal one, I can sail. You’d be my doctor, in case I catch the scurvy,” I can’t help but laugh.

I turn to the horizon. “And… we wouldn’t have to come back… We would when we wanted to, but we could see everything… We could visit Cartha and Syrasse, we could sail East, see Kapsáli, make it all the way to the other side of the sea, where it becomes sand dunes, where the winter’s never cold…”

“Rose.”

I look back at him over my shoulder. His jaw is set.

“We… We really do need to talk.”

I turn around slowly. “We’re talking.”

“No, I-I mean… We’ve needed to talk all day, I guess… I was just enjoying myself too much.”

I know where this is going.

I know exactly where this is going.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, crossing my arms and tilting my head.

“Lots of things,” he says immediately. “Too many to count,” he grins tightly, “give me a number, and I’ll tell you it’s too low.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I… Look, Ro… I’ve done the calculations. Thought of every possibility. Run through the scenario in my head over and over… And… there’s…”

He has the decency to look away.

“There’s only one way I can see this whole thing playing out… And it’s not a happy ending, trust me.”

He rubs his nape and founders with his other hand, as if hoping I’ll help him out here.

“Isn’t… Isn’t it best to cut things off at the pass? To spare you the trouble of a tragic ending?”

He turns slightly away from me, his whole body screaming retreat.

He doesn’t look at me.

It hits me then. Waking up and finding him gone.

The familiar play I’ve participated in many times, with the opposite part.

“You weren’t going to get breakfast this morning, were you?”

His face reddens. He stammers for a few seconds. “I ah- No… No, I wasn’t. I… may have panicked. A bit, but ah- I would never have just left you, even if I wanted to. I mean…”

He looks down and his arms drop by his sides, like he suddenly doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“… I don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

“Want to leave,” he looks up briefly. “But I just don’t see how else this can go…”

He sighs and drops down to sit at the edge of the pier, making the wood protest. His feet barely brush the surface of the ocean water.

I stand my ground, teeth clenched and arms crossed tightly, leaning against one of the posts of the docks.

He looks up at me for a moment and then away.

Searching for something to say, he points towards the horizon, to the silhouette of an island that I can barely distinguish in the darkness.

“See that island? It’s called Lazaret. It’s where the city sent the infected during the height of the plague… A… perfect monument to my failures. Always visible from the shore, always reminding the city how much it suffered.”

Julian’s lips curve in a sharp smile, his teeth bare. “Every death… every body burnt in those pits, is another mark against me. And there are so many marks…”

He goes quiet for a long moment.

When he speaks again, he’s fiddling with his glove, looking down.

“I don’t want to drag this out, Ro… This…? Whatever this was? Whatever it could have been…?”

He pauses again.

I brace myself.

“It has to end. Before it’s too late for you.”

“Save it.”

“I’m only going to end up hurting you someh- wait, what?”

I push off the post and begin walking, fists balled hard by my sides.

Behind me I hear him scramble to his feet and rushing after me.

He’s right behind me and I hear him reaching out. So close I can even feel his warmth.

He doesn’t touch me, though.

“Ro… I… I’m sorry, I’m just trying to-”

“To what, Julian?” I snap, turning around. He freezes in place. “To protect me? Spare me the bullshit. I don’t need protection, I need respect.”

“It’s… all I can offer you. I’m not a good man. Rose… The things I’ve done…”

My hands shoot out of their own accord and I ball my fists in his clothes, pulling him down.

“The things you’ve done!? The things you have done!? Do you want to compare body counts, doctor? I can assure you I have crimes to spare for the both of us. You don’t know me. You know nothing about me. You don’t know the things I’m capable of. So leave me because of that. Do it, do that.”

He looks at me with a crease in his brow and his lips parted, but he says nothing.

“Leave me because I’m a terrible person, because I’m brimming with vices. Leave me because I cheat and lie, because I kill and steal. Leave me because I deserve nothing better, because you hate me, because I’m disgusting, leave me because I’m not worthy of being loved. But don’t leave me to protect me from you. Don’t leave me for my sake.”

I am not crying.

“Rose…”

“NO!” I take a step back. “You’re both the same. You look at me and see anything but who I am. And you think you know better, what I need and what I deserve. All my life is gone Julian, and what little I can remember for the last couple of years…? I own nothing. Nadia has me as her puppet, Asra thinks I’m some fucking child that needs to be sheltered, at sea I’m just another part time sailor who could die and nobody would notice, I. Own. Nothing. Nothing but this, this thing that you and I have, could have had, this is the only thing that has been my choice. The only thing I could make something good out of, the only thing I decided to start and not abandon. And now you come and tell me I deserve better!? THERE IS NO BETTER. This is the best of my life, the luckiest I can get. And you want to take it away? And then blame it on me!? FUCK. YOU.”

He reaches out but I back away again with a hiss.

“You think I can do better? You ridiculous, ignorant idiot! Haven’t you seen me once? A single time? I’m putrid, I’m rotten, I’m a horrible person. If the guards walked into us right now and I got hanged I would have it coming. That’s what I deserve. A snug, snug rope around my throat. Leave me, Julian. Gods, leave me and run as far as you can! But don’t spit these lies in my face.”

“Ro… That’s not true, I’ve… I’ve seen and I’ve heard-”

“About the good days. The days when I’m not a monster. There are usually no witnesses of the bad ones.”

He looks genuinely scared of me for a second.

I laugh dryly and step back.

And I don’t have anything else to say, so I just turn and walk away.

Over my shoulder, I hear him mutter to himself.

“It’s better this way…”

I don’t go straight to the shop, no. I take a moment to seethe in an alleyway, destroying empty crates as I growl and clench my teeth. One of the boards splinters and gashes my upper lip. I shriek and rub my lids, blinking away the wooden dust that’s making my eyes misty…

Yeah, the dust…

I slump against the wall and take a few minutes to shake in anger and frustration. This isn’t me, throwing a tantrum because some guy doesn’t want to see me anymore. This… this is just embarrassing…

I sigh and stand up, making my way to the shop, walking slowly.

When I step inside, the smell of cinnamon hits my nose.

Oh no…

Asra peeks at me from the top of the stairs, his white hair contrasting with the dark wood of the wall.

“Hey there-!” His eyes widen and he’s rushing downstairs in a second. “What happened!?”

I frown. “What happened with what?”

He pulls me by the arm towards a chair. “You’re bleeding!”

“Oh…” I brush my mouth with the tips of my fingers. They’re smeared red when I check.

“Got into another bar fight?” He calls, rummaging through drawers and shelves.

“No, it was… it was nothing…”

He returns with a washcloth and a bottle filled with a clear liquid that smells of herbs, sitting in front of me. “I should see the other guy?”

I roll my eyes as he presses the fabric to my mouth, refraining from wincing. “There wasn’t-”

“Shh… Don’t talk, you’ll make it worse.”

I try to relax as he keeps on tapping the cloth to my lip carefully.

“How did it go at the palace?” He asks softly.

“You told me not to speak.”

He laughs and leaves the cloth aside, pressing now his thumb to my mouth.

“You look like you’ve had a long day.”

I raise my eyebrows noncommittally.

Faust slides between my ankles and slithers up my leg to rest at my lap. She looks at me with her head titled.

The air in the room… shifts.

Asra looks at Faust and then at me, his expression tensing.

He recovers quickly, though. “That so, Faust?”

Brushing the pad of his thumb over my now completely healed upper lip, he leans away and stands up.

“What is it?” I ask as a tingling sensation travels over the new, regenerated skin.

Asra speaks over his shoulder as he makes us tea. “She says you’ve been spending time with Ilya… Julian.”

My eyes snap down to Faust, whose tongue peeks out innocently.

“Treacherous snake…”

She starts and slithers away to hide under the counter.

“Don’t get mad at her, she was just helping me catch up. Umh… I…”

He looks a bit at loss of what to say.

“I know you two had something,” I cut, tactlessly.

Asra flinches, bringing the cups. “Yeah… you could say that. I’m…”

“Are you trying to give me your blessing or something? Forget it, he dumped me.”

“Wait, he what?” His face darkens. “He did not do that to you, did he?”

“What? Gods, no, of course not, he would be lying in a ditch somewhere.”

He chuckles, still somewhat tense, before taking a sip of his tea. “Then what happened?”

I clench my jaw. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“That’s alright,” he soothes, taking another sip. “You don’t have to… In fact? You don’t have to tell me anything. I think I know exactly what happened.”

He laughs.

“Just a hunch, but if I had to guess, I’d say he decided what was best for you and didn’t listen to anything you had to say, probably right after jumping headfirst into a relationship with you. Featuring at least one dramatic speech… Knowing him? Probably more. Then you got angry and found something or someone to wreak and that’s how you got hurt.”

I glance up at him, my fists balling up on my lap.

“How did I do?”

“Yeah, you know everything, don’t you?”

He blinks and his smile fades.

Lowering his eyes, he leaves his cup on the table. “Sorry.”

“I told you I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re right, I really am sorry-”

And he’s about to offer a truce, but I… I’m still angry, I…

… I still want to break something to pieces…

I huff with a tight smile. “It wasn’t a hard request. I thought you would be able to grant it-”

“Ro… Please forgive me, I was just… My own frustration-”

“No, no, no. Let me finish. I thought you would grant it because that’s what you do. You don’t talk about things. You are incredibly efficient at not-talking-about-things. You’re just amazing at pretending something isn’t happening when it’s clearly there, it’s clearly happening. You are the master of ignoring the elephant in the room. I mean, you do it to me all the time. No matter how much I need to talk about it, you dodge the topic oh so very fucking skillfully. I’m even willing to believe it’s magic at this point.”

My smile widens, teeth baring. “No matter how big or small the thing is, you can just, poof, pretend it isn’t there. Who ate the last cookie Asra? Who knows! Did you forget to buy apples again? What a mystery! It’s your turn to clean the shop, you conveniently didn’t hear me! Why do you have so many nightmares? We’ll talk about it later or maybe never! Who am I and where do I come from? Something just came up! Please take me with you on your trips because I’m horribly lonely when you’re gone, ignored! I love you Asra, oops, time to hit the road again!”

I’m not blind to his shallow breathing, to the subtle quivering of his lip, to his clenched jaw. But he still says nothing, he still keeps quiet. Doesn’t move a finger.

I stand up, the chair dragging violently and noisily against the floor. I walk to the hanger to get my coat. “So I’m used to it, I really am! Doesn’t even bother me anymore, pinky promise. I’m gonna go out now, maybe I’ll get on a fucking ship and not even mention it until ten minutes before sailing, like you do. Maybe I’ll go get a drink, maybe I won’t come back. Who knows! Life’s so full of mysteries, don’t you think?”

I stride to him and grasp his chin roughly before I dip to harshly kiss his cheek. “Don’t wait up, honey. Or, you know, do whatever the fuck you want, like you always do.”

The door slams shut with a deafening sound, and I can still hear it in the back of my head as I walk… as I run away from the shop.

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