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caitlinsclark · 2 months

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SHE JUST COMES RUNNIN' OVER TO ME ² caitlin clark 𝘤𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 | summary: in a moment of desperation, you agree to a plan that might push Caitlin too far. read part one where's the trophy. wc: 2.9k masterlist and tag list

The stalemate you partook in with Caitlin couldn’t have been more miserable on both sides. Your red soccer hoodie was practically glued to her skin, multiple unread messages from Connor lighting up her phone. It didn’t seem worth it to check the phone when she knew it wasn’t you texting.

It hadn’t even been three days, but the nagging emptiness of her apartment echoed as a cruel reminder of your last conversation.

Her chest felt heavy as she replayed the way you fled from the scene, mentally torturing herself by comparing it to the way you always gravitated toward her when you cried.

When Kate entered Caitlin’s room on the third day of wallowing, she could only make out a covered figure on the messy bed. Upon further inspection, Caitlin’s body laid face down in her pillow, only your last name visible in white stitching on her back. The closest she’s gotten to you in three days and she clearly wasn’t letting it go.

The blonde smiled widely, using her foot to push Caitlin’s lower half. She was undeterred by the smack her leg got in return.

“Kate, fuck off,” Caitlin groaned as she clutched her pillow like a lifeline, “I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a best friend either now. Nothing’s worth it.” Her sluggish figure childishly pushed away from her friend.

Kate’s face screwed up and her lips pursed, “I’m gonna try not to take offense to that cause you kinda lost everything, and you didn’t have much going to begin with. The teenage angst is a lot, though.”

With another sigh, Caitlin lifted her head to look at her friend as she wore a deadpan expression, “Thanks for the episode recap.” But in a moment of vulnerability frowned at Kate, “And that’s not what I meant, sorry.”

Kate shrugged with a grin to show she wasn’t offended, exuding an energy that made it hard for Caitlin to keep being upset. But when Kate mentioned your name, her sour mood returned.

“You can’t give up!” Kate pushed, “You’ve never given up this fucking easy before. It’s getting embarrassing to root for you.” She scrunched up her face at the mess building around Caitlin.

“This isn’t like basketball, Kate.” Caitlin turned her head back into her pillow defiantly, “It’s like a bad game of poker. I made the wrong choice and I lost. Game over.”

The brunette should’ve known that it was way too easy when the blonde just laid beside her quietly. That wasn’t going to be the end of it.

And it wasn’t, Kate wasn’t going to let it be. That’s how she ended up at your front door with an Aces jersey, a smug look and an even more smug plan.

“You’re such an instigator, just like her!” You had to laugh but still took a cautious step back. Kate immediately reached for your hands, attempting to change your mind.

She shook her head rapidly, face scrunching up, “No! No!” And the defense in her voice gave it away. She knew it too, “Maybe, but this would all be in good fun and competitive game play.”

“I don’t wanna put you in any kind of position,” You shook your head in refusal, pushing away her hands that eagerly held yours, “I’m not gonna do that.”

Kate grins teasingly, scarily reminding you of Caitlin, “What’s wrong with a little competition fuel?” She said the words as if there was no danger behind them, having a similar charisma as your best friend, “What, are you scared?”

These women and their siren powers were so goddamn scary.

Kate smirked and it had your curious eyes fluttering down to her lips for a, noticed but unsaid, moment. It annoyed you to no end that despite the subtle tension brewing, the cocky brunette still made a flashy appearance in your mind.

“Yeah, a little.” You admitted honestly after the brief silence, nodding your head without hesitation.

In another life, the blonde in front of you was the one you were interested in, not Caitlin. And at that, you greedily allowed yourself to bask in the pretty face you had to currently shy away from.

She seemed eager to follow up, “I get to rile her up for the game and you get to see whether she’s even worth waiting for.” The girl winked at the end, adding a lighthearted spin on the situation.

The grin on her face was electric and you couldn’t help but mimic it. You could feel your fears wipe away at the ease she radiated.

“She doesn’t know that she’s even still in the running,” Kate continued and the way she said your name had you seriously considering it, “She’s taken herself out because she did something that hurt you. If you get back at her and show her there’s something to be jealous over,” Kate trailed off, leading you to the same conclusion she had.

You stared at her with a straight face, “You people are sick.” And she shrugged like it was a compliment. Maybe it was.

The air got thick as the conversation got a little more real, Kate knew she had one shot to fix this and fix her best friend.

Her words had the power to make you reconsider. You found yourself pondering it.

In a fleeting moment of desperation and maybe a little of hope, you silently formed the little heart gesture with your fingers and watched as Kate returned it.

“That’s cheesy as fuck!” Kate started giggling and you had no choice but to join in, pushing her shoulder.

You felt like a preserved animal that had been thrown into the wild and been expected to adapt. The opposing jersey on your figure, stitched with a different number, while you sat on the opposing side of the court.

Well, usually it would be if you were here to support Caitlin, but it wasn’t opposing anymore. The black Aces jersey with the number 20 wasn’t exactly a subtle move.

Caitlin, who had her back angled to you as she talked to Kate, knew nothing of your presence. In fact, she instead stared longingly at the empty seat on Fever’s side of the court that you always occupied. A stupid part of her thought you’d show up.

“I fucking hate the taste of room temperature water now,” The brunette grumbled, craving a gatorade. Kate raised her eyebrows at the sudden commentary but moved past it.

Forgoing any hesitance, you strutted toward the seat Kate had instructed you to, one directly behind the Aces bench. And as you stared at the empty Fever bench directly across from you, you knew there was going to be no hiding yourself from their star player.

It’s not like Kate had any plans to hide you anyway, from the look of pure excitement that littered her features upon catching you there. Though she played it off, only waving to you once Caitlin had returned to her teammates to get a few quick practice shots in before the game.

Shit hit the fan when the game clock first started to count down. Kate and Caitlin were bouncing off one another, a healthy glow of competition emitting and warming up the crowd. Until Caitlin shot the basket from behind the 3 point line, a moment that had you subconsciously holding your breath, and the room seemed to slow down. The ball bounced around the rim before falling out and directly into Kate’s possession. The blonde took a cocky second to gloat, sending you a sneaky half heart with one of her hands as the other dribbled the ball down the court.

You hoped the cameras didn’t zoom into the way Caitlin’s head whipped around to where you were sitting. Her body almost deflated, a part of you felt a sick surge in confidence that your presence invoked such a reaction.

Her feet stopped moving and you wanted to scream at her to keep going. All the brunette could think about was the dreadful pit in her stomach. If this was even half of the hurt you felt, how you could ever find it in yourself to forgive her?

Kate was playing it up, cockily brushing off the shoulders of her jersey after making an effortless layup with the rebound. It was like a smack in the face, two things Kate could have that Caitlin didn’t.

By halftime, Kate had trailed up to you with a guilty smile. One that had apologies practically spilling out of it, “I think you should go talk to her.” But by the tone of voice, you knew it was an instruction rather than a suggestion.

You went to give the blonde a hug but she stopped you, “What?” Eyes glancing at the hand she held out to put distance between you.

She patted your shoulder and used the momentum to push you toward the locker rooms, “I think it’s time, ya know what to do.” Truthfully, Kate was a little scared that Caitlin would body check her if she laid another hand on you so she was mindful of not pushing.

You reached back to squeeze her shoulder in return before taking the small but terrifying trek to the locker room. You passed a few Fever players on the way in, who each patted you on the back with a knowing look. This couldn’t be good.

Caitlin stood, her posture rigid and screaming discomfort as she let out heaved breaths with her fingers clutching the towel around her neck. She suddenly slammed her locker door shut in frustration, the echo vibrating throughout the empty room.

And when she sat down defeated on the bench, you didn’t have the heart to sit anywhere but right next to her.

“You’re missing your easiest shots,” It might’ve been harsh, might’ve been uncalled for, but it was true. And Caitlin hated being rightfully called out.

She chuckled bitterly, using the towel around her neck to fumble around with, “Yeah, I’m fumbling quite a lot lately.”

“Must be some pretty bad fumbles if they compare to out there,” Your eyebrows raised and Caitlin stared back at you, only allowing the smallest of smiles to grace her lips. It wasn’t enough.

“I hate seeing you in that jersey.” The brunette admitted as she looked at you through hooded eyes, “It really bothers me.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes, “It shouldn’t. Because like you said, we didn’t have anything, Caitlin. You have a boyfriend!” Frustration forced its way into the conversation as you were reminded of the catalyst of your recent distance.

In the smallest voice you’d ever heard from the girl, she corrected you with one single word, “Had.”

“That doesn’t change anything,” your resolve flatlined at the revelation, and you had to pull the weakest parts of you back together before responding, “You weren’t gonna choose me when you did, Cait.” The words left an awful taste in the back of your throat, but there was no room for leaving things unsaid.

The room was brutally quiet, marinating in the ‘what could’ve been’. But that wasn’t good enough for Caitlin.

You weren’t expecting the sudden burst of emotion as she shot up from the seat next to you. The abrupt movement made you jump but Caitlin’s intense gaze filled you with comfort immediately after.

“I didn’t choose you?” She echoed your words, pulling at the hair she had pulled up as if it pained her to repeat, “I’m so sorry that I fumbled where it counted, but I spent every day choosing you even when you didn’t know it.” The apology held a sincere weight as her voiced cracked in the last bit.

You opened your mouth to interrupt her but she grabbed your face, stunning you into silence. The forced proximity kept your eyes glued to hers through her next few words but it was hard to focus with her fingers rubbing your jaw.

“I chose you when I was 20 minutes late to practice when I didn’t wanna risk bringing you the wrong drink because I know your order being wrong ruins your day.”

She continues to speak before you could find the correct response.

“I chose you when I told the girls I couldn’t go out because you were scared to sleep alone after that horror movie.”

An overwhelming heat gathered on your cheeks at the memory. Wow, you really couldn’t have made it more obvious, could you?

Yet she went on, “I chose you when you lost your ID and we spent three hours wandering the park when it was at your apartment the entire time.”

God, you remembered that. She didn’t even make you feel like an idiot for it either, just laughed and claimed that any time together was a good time.

The warmth radiating from her eyes was hidden by a mask of sadness, as if these memories had been tainted with regret. Her hold loosened on your face as if she realized it may be time to let you go. You immediately put your own hand over hers to stop it.

“I’m sorry that my mind realized you were the right choice before I did,” Her voice came out small and vulnerable, a 360 from the player you usually saw out on the court, “all I can promise is you’re going to be the only choice moving forward.”

The silence on your end was burning a hole through Caitlin’s heart, the grip she had on you tightening as seconds passed.

Though you didn’t have it in you to hold off on her for long, “I hope your stats are as good off the court as they are on.” There was no hiding the bashful grin that took over your face as you scanned her features.

You didn’t get a second to prepare yourself when suddenly she was consuming all of you. The taste of strawberry lingered on her lips, sickly sweet just like her. As your lips molded together, she pressed you up against the metal of the lockers.

“This is the least romantic thing for you to be wearing,” Caitlin mumbled against your lips, hands toying with the Martin jersey you had on.

With a teasing glance as you pulled away, you gestured to the jersey, “Be careful, this is what you’ll have to deal with if you mess up again.” You did a quick spin to show off the embroidery all while Caitlin stared at you with an amused smile.

A loud sound of the buzzer signaled players had to return to the court, the two of you visibly saddened having to part already.

“If that didn’t energize you for the second half, then I’m out of ideas.” You blew her a good luck kiss from the doorway as she approached the exit. She walked backwards, refusing to let her eyes stray from you.

“If you need me to brainstorm, I’d be happy to come up with some more,” Caitlin winked teasingly, but she caught the kiss nonetheless. You tried not to let yourself grin too big but by the satisfied smirk lighting up her face as she left, you definitely did.

The final buzzer signified the win for Fever and cheers erupted from the crowd. As the court filled up with fans and the speakers boomed with celebration music, Caitlin couldn’t feel like it was a proper celebration until she found you. Though her teammates were right next to her screaming at the top of their lungs, her ears tuned everything out in favor of meeting your gaze.

You tried to shake your head from your spot curtsied, mouthing the word ‘no’ to her and nodding toward her team. Except you knew you were outdone when the brunette strode over toward you, with a clear mission in mind.

Her steps were urgent and rushed, weaving through the crowd to get to you. You caught a quick glance at Kate who smiling knowingly at the two of you before Caitlin stole the focus of all your sense.

You stood toe to toe, ready to congratulate her. But in looking at her, the glow of a win shining through her smile, you couldn’t help yourself. With one hand wrapping around her jersey and the other resting on her hip, you pulled her in and crashed your lips together.

Her hands roamed your waist and her lips moved in harmony with yours, coaxing, and teasing. You could feel the happiness radiating between your bodies as you clung to one another, the world blurring into the background.

“Go get your trophy,” Your words were staggered in between eager kisses, the hands you had on Caitlin’s neck not doing much to halt her attack. You attempted to add a little bit of distance between the two of you, but she was having none of it.

Not deterred in the slightest, she grabbed your pushy hands in her own and used your limbs against you to pull you flush against her. The flashes of cameras did nothing to stop Caitlin as she

The quickness of her response caught you off guard, “Already have it.” She allowed no room for rebuttal as she pushed her lips against yours once again. And with the way her greedy hands tried to force your bodies even closer than physics could allow, you believed her.

#caitlin clark #caitlin clark x reader #wnba basketball #basketball #caitlin clark x fem!reader #caitlin clark x y/n #wbb x reader #wnba #caitlin clark fic #indiana fever #wnba x reader #iowa wbb #kate martin #las vegas aces

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rebelliousneferut · 2 months

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fan frenzy | jude bellingham

summary; when jude's fangirls from borussia dortmund don't love you but things change with your move to madrid

genre; angst, smau

face claim; kaaviya sambasivam

note; English is not my first language

masterlist!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

yourusername

liked by judebellingham, jobebellingham, username and others

yourusername date night 🌉✨

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username can someone explain to me why is jude dating with her??

username jude is too much for her

username he doesn't even pay attention to her, she's always the one who looks desperate

username he needs someone prettier

username fr

username i wait for the day he opens his eyes

swallowing the bile rising in my throat, I scrolled through the comments on my latest photo. the negativity was a suffocating wave, a stark contrast to the joy we shared in the picture.

dating jude bellingham was a whirlwind from the start. we met in dortmund, sparks flying despite our initial clashes. over time, that spark evolved into a love as powerful and exhilarating as his world-class strikes. jude, with his kind heart and dazzling smile, was a revelation. despite his young age and rising fame, his patience and unwavering affection showed me a love i never thought possible.

living the dream alongside the man i adored shouldn't have come with a price tag. but jude, besides being a phenomenal footballer, also boasted a massive, and sometimes harsh, fanbase. the adoration soon turned towards me, morphing into a relentless stream of negativity. hateful messages, fueled by envy, became a daily torment. i shielded jude, who was blissfully unaware thanks to his social media inactivity. but the constant barrage chipped away at my self-esteem, leaving me questioning every aspect of myself and our relationship.

jude's future was bright, and i convinced myself i was letting him down by being a target. so, with a voice thick with emotion, i began, "jude, i think we should take some time."

his hand shot out, his touch warm against mine. "why do you say that?" he pleaded, his eyes filled with a concern that mirrored my own. "is this about the move? because if it is, we can talk about it. we'll figure it out together, like always."

i shook my head, tears welling up. "it's everything, jude. all the hate, the negativity... i can't take it anymore. i don't want to be the reason you're attacked."

jude's brow furrowed, his expression a mix of determination and tenderness. "who cares what they say? they don't know us, y/n. they don't know the way you light up a room with your smile, or the fire you ignite in my heart. you are strong, kind, and more beautiful than any comment could ever diminish."

he cupped my face in his hands, his touch wiping away a stray tear. "you are the woman i love, the thought of facing anything without you is..." his voice trailed off, his eyes searching mine.

taking a deep breath, i confessed, "the comments... they make me doubt myself, jude. they make me doubt us."

jude's jaw clenched for a moment, then softened. he pulled me into a tight embrace, the warmth of his body a familiar comfort. "we'll face it together," he murmured against my hair. "we'll show them what true love looks like. and if they can't see it, then their opinion doesn't matter. all that matters is you and me."

and i decided to trust him.

"maybe a fresh start in spain would be better," i thought. "maybe they won't hate me there."

the following day, the world woke up to a new post on jude's social media – a photo of us, radiating pure joy.

judebellingham

liked by yourusername, jobebellingham, footballwags and others

judebellingham my rock, my confidante, my love, my y/n. to anyone who has anything negative to say, save your breath. we're happy, and that's all that matters.

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yourusername i love you so much 🥺❤️

❤️ liked by the author

judebellingham i love you more than words can express

username i never understood the hatred towards her, she is beautiful and they make a nice couple

username madrid welcomes you with open arms 🫶🏽

username she makes jude happy and that's all that matters

username i still don't like her

username touch grass

the response was a wave of positivity, drowning out the negativity. the spanish fans, known for their passion, embraced me with open arms. it wasn't an instant fix, but it was a start. jude, by my side, had become my shield, our love a beacon against the darkness. we were in this together, and together, we would face anything.

#football smau #football social media au #footballer x reader #footballer x y/n #real madrid x reader #football #jude bellingham #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham smau #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham angst #jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham fanfic #jude bellingham fluff #real madrid #football x reader #football one shot #jude bellingham x y/n

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hier--soir · 9 months

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a lover's pinch | seven

joel miller x f!reader

pairing: professor!joel miller x f!reader rating: explicit, 18+ mdni summary: things get a little messy after returning home. a confrontation sparks the beginning of a new stage in your relationship with joel. warnings/tags: au, university professor joel, age gap [20 something years diff], ethically dubious relationship due to inherent power imbalance, angst, miscommunication trope, self-doubt, alcohol consumption/hangover, joel is 50 and he texts like it, les mis spoilers???, phantom of the opera spoilers???, jealous!joel, food/eating, hurt/comfort, professor DAD, professor COWBOY, soft emotional smut, unprotected piv sex, cream pie, oral [f!receiving], joel says dadgum cause i think it's so classic him and so cute. word count: 11.1k jesus series masterlist | main masterlist chapter moodboard a/n: merry christmas to all that celebrate. as always, thank you for your patience and kindness. the love for this series is nothing short of mind blowing, and i appreciate you all endlessly. i hope you enjoy this angst and potentially the most flowery + emotional ALP smut yet [if that's even possible]. also rachel i love you i'm sorry. without further ado, the beginning of our descent into The End Times x follow @hier--soirupdates if you'd like to be notified when i share my writing this is part seven of ALP. you can read the previous parts here: one, two, three, four, five, six.

Tuesday.

It's nine thirty in the morning and you buy a Coke anyways.

It’s raining heavy outside; fat droplets of water that splatter against the windscreen of your car and dribble down, slipping through the crevice at the top of the bonnet, searching for the engine, for the oil gasket, for somewhere undercover to dry out.

You tuck your legs beneath yourself, sit criss-cross in the driver’s seat, and take small sips of fizzing black sugar. Allow it to moisten your lips, coat your tongue and your teeth in that sickening, viscous way soda always does, before it slips down your throat.

There’s something unearthly about the day, unnerving—it’s Tuesday morning and you’re hungover. A dull ache behind your left eye, a kink in your neck. You check your phone.

Thick, rolling clouds loom across the sky. Occasionally, a flash of lightning, a thrum of thunder. You tear open a packet of peanuts and pluck one out, and then another. Eat until your lips are dry and puckered, and then take another drink. More peanuts then. Salty, sweet, salty, sweet.

It’s all you can stomach as your liver pumps and spasms, still working to cleanse your blood of the night before, spent sprawled on the couch with Trin and Nora.

Wearing sweaters and thick socks, gripping full glasses of wine, and watching Les Misérables. Nora, tears on her cheeks, had sung along with Hugh Jackman—'This innocent who bears my face, who goes to judgement in my place, who am I?’—and you, bleary-eyed and tipsy, had discreetly checked your phone.

You didn’t cry during I Dreamed A Dream but you’re crying for this? Trin rolled her eyes.

He sacrifices his freedom to save that man, Nora whimpered.

You woke up starving and the traffic was slow. At every red light and stop sign your fingers itched against the wheel, desperate to press inside your bag and pull out this little packet. And now, safe in the campus parking lot, you feast. Salty, sweet, salty, sweet. You feel a fleeting moment of pity for people with peanut allergies, and then you check your phone.

Still nothing.

Since you left New York on Monday morning there’s been no sign of life from Joel. No get home safe, no see you on Tuesday; no acknowledgement at all.

You stare dejectedly at the messages you’ve sent him.

First from yesterday afternoon:

Home now. Enjoy your last day in the big apple x

And then from late last night, two bottles of wine deep:

It’s raining and miserable here

Wish I was still in new york

With you

Sitting in your car now, glowering at the blank space where his response should be, you reconcile with the thought that perhaps he wants what happened in New York to stay in New York. Stolen glances and all-too-brief touches in a conference hall, his hand on your wrist at the museum, skin against skin in his hotel room, and in yours—perhaps it was supposed to happen there, not here. The lowering of walls came with a change in location, and maybe that was his intention. But those thoughts don’t ease the sharp twist in your chest when you think of him. Doesn’t take away how much you wish he would give you something – a morsel of communication, even a single word of acknowledgement. For as hard as you try to understand, you can’t forget the look in his eyes when he touched you at the cloisters, the way he breathed your name into your mouth. Sewing the seed of JoelJoelJoel into in the soft folds of your brain, impossible to forget.

You don’t think about his dinner with Rachel. Don’t consider that something may have happened that night, something that changed his mind about you. Something that made him rethink the entire weekend as you slipped into the shower and out the door, leaving him alone in your hotel bed while you headed to the airport.

No. You don’t think about that at all.

When you make it inside, clothes wet and cool from the rain, you shake your hair out like a dog. Let droplets fly across the hall as you make your way into the lecture theatre; a drizzled trail left in your wake.

The room is full when you step inside, but there’s no sign of him yet. You collapse into an empty chair in the front row and wait. The final few students filter in through the door, shaking out umbrellas and wiping their feet. And for another ten minutes you, foolishly, still expect Joel to show up.

It’s only when the door creaks open and an old man walks through, that you let the hopeful feeling rest.

He lays a worn old satchel against the desk and turns to smile at the room.

“Hello,” the stranger smiles, and his jowls quiver as he speaks. “I��m Jerry Dorfman, a Professor from the literature department, and…”

You zone out for a second, eyes darting down to your phone screen. Nothing.

“Oh, and Professor Miller,” Dorfman says, as if he’s just remembered that he shouldn’t be here. Shouldn’t be standing up there, in his spot. “Is tied up with a family matter. I trust he’ll be back with us later in the week.”

A family matter?

Slick with rain, staring at this stranger stood in Joel’s place, you feel like a kind of newborn. Some fresh lamb, soaked in the blood and amniotic fluids of her mother’s womb, staring through unseeing eyes, hoping to glean some understanding of this moment. This sudden burst of light, this shocking cold after so many weeks of warmth, of sweat and strong hands on your skin, holding you close. But this is Eros; the blacksmith, the limb-loosener, the crusher. A deviation from stoking the flame to the suddenly desperate, grasping loneliness of feeling as though you are standing by a lover’s window, staring helplessly through the glass, and watching them from the outside. Alone.

Dorfman tries and fails to connect his laptop to the projector.

Numb fingers type;

Are you okay? Where are you?

But no response comes.

No, not until later that night, not until you’re tucked beneath the covers of your bed, showered and sleepy, does he finally reach out.

The clock has just ticked past midnight when your phone vibrates.

Hey, I had to stay in the city another day. Just landed at PWM. See you on Thursday.

A hot, jagged feeling swims in your gut as you read the message, and then reread it. Twice, three more times, searching for some hint of familiarity. Some indication that he has been thinking about you as much as you’ve been thinking about him. That the past weekend meant something to him, like it meant to you.

Minutes pass, and when you don’t find what you’re looking for, you fall asleep without responding.

Thursday.

Nora wakes up with a stuffy nose.

This always happens to me, she sniffs. I hate being sick.

The tiles in the kitchen are cold beneath your bare toes and rain smears heavily against the windowpane. You can hear fat blooms of thunder bellowing outside. Nora’s sullen, husky voice paired with the steam rising from your mug are all it takes to convince you to stay home with her.

The two of you spend the day curled on the sofa beneath blankets. You stare at your laptop, a document open on your screen with the title of an essay sitting pretty at the top. The cursor blinks and blinks at you, taunting you, daring you to write something, anything. But Sex and The City is playing on the tv, and Nora is snoring at the other end of the sofa, and you can’t help but watch the minutes tick by on the clock. Listen to Carrie and Miranda argue about Big, and wonder if Joel has even noticed your absence.

Trin gets home from class, and you follow her into the kitchen. Peel and slice oranges and apples and lemons while she tells you about her day. Boil them in sugar with cinnamon and star anise while she complains about an argument she had with her boyfriend. Add red wine and brandy while she tells you that her Dad sent her some money, and she’ll order take out for the three of you.

So together you huddle in the lounge and eat hot Indian food with your hands. Soak pieces of naan in tarka dal and saag paneer and top if off with mulled wine, unphased by the clashing of flavours in your mouths.

And you don’t check your phone, or look at the time, and you don’t complain when Nora asks, with glassy-eyes and spinach in her teeth, if she can put on another musical.

He’s a freak, Trin frowns at the TV.

He loves her, Nora implores, staring doe-eyed at a masked Gerard Butler.

Nor, Trin scoffs, he put a wedding dress on a mannequin that looks just like her. In his fucking lair, no less. That’s freak behaviour.

He has amazing sideburns though, Nora grins. So he gets a pass.

Your phone vibrates as Erik strokes a passed-out Christine’s face, singing help me make the music of the night.

Careful that Nora won’t notice, you pull it from beneath your thigh.

Where were you today?

You stare at the words for a moment and feel your lips curl into an disbelieving sneer.

“Oh, fuck off,” you mutter, and shove your phone into the crevice between the sofa cushions.

Wednesday.

A week goes by with no word from Joel.

No word from you either.

You stay home every day. Write and read and catch up on work and take Benadryl and sip soup and then you wake one morning, relieved to find that Nora’s cold has finally left your system.

So you tug on jeans, a sweater, and share a pot of coffee in the kitchen. Share quiet conversation with Pete in his shitty old Beamer as he gives you a ride to campus, and walk into Rachel’s lecture with zero expectation that today will be the day you finally see Joel again.

“We understand that Antigone is a victim of her father’s sins,” Rachel explains. “In the wake of patricide, of incest, every one of her actions is seen as a direct consequence.”

“Even her fate to be buried alive was sewn by her father’s unwitting actions,” she pauses, eyes searching the faces across the room, gauging reactions. “And, of course, this concept isn’t unique to Greek mythology. We see it plainly in the Bible, in Exodus; the sins of your father are to be laid upon the children… these themes of ancestral curses, of the inevitability of fate – they are integral to understand when looking at our tragic heroines. We saw it with Medea, we see it with Antigone, with Iphigenia, with Electra. Electra herself said, we are bound to acquiesce—”

An interrupting knock sounds against the door. Rachel’s head swivels around, eyebrows knitted in frustration as she calls for whoever it is to come in.

The door creaks open and her expression lifts. A saccharine smile spreads across her face, shoulders loosening.

“Joel,” she says warmly. “What can I do for you?”

A shiver wracks down your spine, toes curling in your sneakers.

The broad mass of him rests in the doorway. His head peeks past the wood, just a glimpse of his curls, his glasses, visible from where you sit. Your heart thunders in your chest, palms going damp at the prospect of this being the moment you finally see him again.

He speaks a few words in her direction, too quiet to catch, and then he’s taking a step into the room. His hand grips the edge of the door, keeping it open, and he casts a glance out towards the audience. Dark brown and searching, those eyes filter through countless faces until they finally land on yours.

And for a second, he doesn’t say a word. Just gazes out at you, eyebrows pulled together in the middle of his forehead, and then—and then he fucking looks back at Rachel. Your stomach goes hollow when you see the smile on her face. She lazes against the corner of her desk, and it feels like minutes go by as the two of you stare at him. And there’s something about waiting, you think, that feels like torture. That slow, painful build-up of pressure as you sit and stare and prepare yourself to discover who he’s here for. You or her.

You’re reminded painfully of a Graham Greene quote. A passage from The End of the Affair – one you’d, perhaps foolishly, found romantic when you read it that first time. Chosen words that had warmed your chest and made you feel light, lighter than air; the way only words could do sometimes.

‘Yes, Henry?’ and then ‘You?’ She had always called me ‘you’. ‘Is that you?’ on the telephone, ‘Can you? Will you? Do you?’ so that I imagined, like a fool, for a few minutes at a time, there was only one ‘you’ in the world and that was me.

Now, as you stare at Joel in the mouth of the doorway and memory of that passage sinks its hooks in, you feel only contempt for Greene.

For you had always read that passage imagining yourself as Sarah. And someone else, some misfortunate Maurice Bendrix, had fallen into your lap, and he was the ‘you’. But not you, never you. And it’s that pride which deceives. That pride which lulls us into false senses of security.

Joel says your name then.

Says, “Can I speak with you?” You, you, you.

And it should feel like relief, to hear your name on his lips again. But you catch the way he spares another glance, soft and sympathetic, in Rachel’s direction, and that sickly hurt isn’t abated.

Her face falls, but she smiles at you. Nods her permission for you to leave the room, and only when you’re halfway across the lecture theatre, bag swung over your shoulder, does she continue speaking to the class.

Palm flat against the door, he holds it open for you, making you press against him as you slip out of the room. It clicks shut behind you and he begins to move down the hall, leaving you to follow behind with no explanation. You assume that he’s going to lead you to his office, or anywhere more private than this, but a metre from the door Joel pauses abruptly, turns, and you slam into his chest with a huff.

“Jesus,” you mutter, stumbling a few steps back.

“Where have you been?” he glowers, brows drawn tight and angry over his eyes.

“What?”

“I’ve been busy,” you grit, glaring back. “Where have you been?”

“Busy?” he scoffs, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’ve been busy too. Busy teachin’ the classes that you don’t even show up for.”

“I’ve been sick,” you roll your eyes, unable—or perhaps just unwilling—to stray from nastiness, from spite. “My apologies, Professor.”

“Don’t—” Joel snaps, and flinches as quickly as the word comes out of his mouth, surprised by how harsh it sounds in the air between the two of you. He takes a step closer, voice low now—“Don’t call me that.”

“Fuck, what is your problem?” you huff, eyes widening, exasperated. “I missed two classes, it’s not a big deal.”

“And the silence?” Joel takes a step forward as he says it. Close enough now to see the smudges on the lens of his glasses. Close enough to see the muscle in his jaw twitch. Too close for public; too close for here. “Can’t even text me back, huh? What the hell is goin’ on with you?”

Your body pulls taut at that, hands balling into fists at your sides.

“Oh, you don’t like silence?” you hiss, matching his volume. “You can’t be serious. Joel, I didn’t hear from you for days after New York. Why would I waste my breath when it’s obvious you don’t want to fucking hear from me?”

“It was barely two days,” he shakes his head, shakes off the insinuation, shakes off whatever blame you’re trying to put on him.

“Two days,” you nod, smirking angrily. “Two days after we spent an entire weekend together. Two days after we kissed and fucked and practically went on a date.”

And the word date must elicit something in him. Some minute, man-brain trigger that snaps him to attention and helps him understand the hurt on your face, the tremble in your hands. Because he says your name, voice softening, posture loosening, every bit of his body language screaming out that he wants to step forward and touch you.

And he’s speaking again, voice low, but there’s people coming down the hall, heading your way. Two figures that you can’t make out through the haze of Joel in your immediate vision. So when he reaches out and touches your hand you flinch, jutting your chin over his shoulder. A warning. Don’t do this here.

One of them calls your name and you pause, mouth open. Drag your eyes away from Joel’s features to watch the figures get closer.

“Pete,” you force a smile. “Hey.”

You realise quickly how it must look; your sullen expression, Joel staring down at you with his shoulders hunched. He must understand at the same moment, because he takes a quick step away, folds his hands behind his back.

“Hey,” Pete takes a step closer. He glances warily between you and Joel, confusion colouring his face. “Everything cool?”

Stony faced, Joel looks between the two of you, posture stiffening the longer he stares at Pete. So much larger than him, taller and broader and far more intimidating. But a man with a secret to keep isn’t one to jump quickly at confrontation, so he keeps his mouth shut. Let’s you do the talking.

Ian catches your eye over Pete’s shoulder and offers a sleazy sort of smile. You swallow down a glare and hold Pete’s gaze.

“Everything’s fine,” you lie, taking a step towards them. A step away from Joel. “What’s up, what are you guys doing in this building?”

Pete’s eyebrows pull together, and he cocks his head at you. “Said you needed a ride home today. This morning, remember?”

“This morning,” you repeat, nodding slowly. You raise your hand and pinch the bridge of your nose, thinking quickly, mind a mess. “I, uh… right, look, Pete, I actually forgot I have a meeting with Professor Miller about my final essay this afternoon.”

“Your final…” Pete trails off, frowning. “Isn’t that due in like a month?”

“Yeah,” you say vaguely, and do not look at Joel. “I’ll find a way home later, okay?”

“I mean, sure. I guess,” Pete agrees reluctantly, reaching up to grip the strap of his satchel. “Call me if you need me okay?”

And Joel’s face turns to stone at the insinuation in those words. The idea that Pete could give you anything he couldn’t. That anyone would need to swoop in and save you from him.

The pair of you stand in silence for a moment, eyes trained on Pete and Ian’s retreating backs as they head down the hall. You watch and watch until they turn the corner, disappearing from sight, and only then do you exhale a breath of relief.

You contemplate leaving him there. Turning your back on him and returning to Rachel’s lecture, ignoring his texts and letting this all fade into some painful memory. But when you look at him again—at those big brown eyes that gaze back at you—you know you couldn’t if you tried.

“You look tired,” he frowns, and it’s not angry anymore. A little sad, maybe.

“I am,” you admit, and wonder if your face betrays how much of a role he plays in that exhaustion.

“Are you hungry?”

You stare for a moment, blinking slow, and then say, “Yeah.”

Joel nods, attempts a crooked smile, and says, “Let me take you to get something to eat.”

It’s silent in Joel’s car, aside from the soft patter of rain against his windows and the dull squeak of his windscreen wipers sliding it away. The truck glides through the winding streets of Biddeford, cruising down the main road and into the left lane of a fast-food drive thru. Orders you a burger, fries, nothing for himself, passing the bag into your lap and then continuing to drive.

The bun is soft beneath your fingers. Grease soaks your skin, and you taste beef, taste onions so soft, so sweet. A crimson dot of ketchup spattered onto your pants; a bright shock of mustard on your tongue. A fry here and there. Joel’s hand, outstretched fingers, sneaking across the centre console to steal one. You shift the paper bag on your lap, tilt the opening so it faces him, easier to access, but he doesn’t take another.

He grips the wheel and asks, “Do you want me to take you home?”

You think about Pete waiting for you at the house. Think about if Ian and that filthy smirk on his face and whether or not he’ll be there too. Think about having to flesh out your excuse, your lie, and finally say, “No.”

Joel keeps driving. You eat until your pants feel tight and the greasy brown bag is crumpled in your fist and he’s pulling his truck off the road and into a short driveway.

“Full?”

“Very.”

“Good.”

“Is this your house?”

“This is it.” He drags the keys out of the ignition and knocks the door open. It’s not long, barely a second, before he’s pulling yours open with a rough yank and a soft, “Door always sticks on this side.”

A vague sound spills from the back of your throat, and he guides you up a path towards the small home. Single storey, with a large brown door and windows decorating the outward façade. Your immediate thought is that it’s very Joel, but you stop the idea in its tracks. Remind yourself that maybe it isn’t your place to think things like that.

Inside it’s even more silent, even more tense. The two of you stand in the entry way, toeing off damp shoes. Your eyes flit around his front room, but it’s difficult to focus on anything. Too much to look at, too much you want to know, and you find it easier to just look at him.

“Realised you’d never been here,” Joel murmurs after a while. He shifts awkwardly on his feet, decidedly unsure of what to say as he rests beneath the weight of your stare. “This is the, uh, the livin’ room. Kitchen’s over there.”

When you don’t respond, he clears his throat, ticks his head towards the hallway. “Bathroom is down the hall. Bedroom too.”

You feel your face shift. Deadpan stare turns to surprise, to incredulity, to blatant anger.

“Oh, the bedroom, huh?” you smile, sardonic, cutting. Your throat feels tight. “S’that seriously why you brought me here? Ice me out and then come crawling back when you want something to fuck again?”

“Woah, hey,” his eyebrows shoot up, hands drifting forward like he’s trying to calm a startled animal.

“Don’t,” you hold up a shaking hand, eyes wide and wet suddenly. “Just… don’t touch me right now, okay? What are we doing here, Joel? Seriously.”

He says your name hard and fast, surprised by how quickly it’s all unravelling, spilling from you in a tidal wave.

And spill it does. The words are wet and watery, a tsunami of pent up emotions pouring from your mouth without permission, without forethought.

“I mean, we haven’t seen each other since New York. And I… I thought being there changed things between us. But maybe I was wrong… and then you pull me out of a lecture, bring me here and say my bedroom is down the hall? Am I just… do you just like having someone to fuck whenever you want? Is that it? Someone at your beck and call?”

Joel repeats your name, sharper this name. “Don’t put fuckin’ words in my mouth.” His face pinches in anger, hands dropping.

“When it’s not convenient you try to shake me off, but when it is—at a bar, or out of town—” you list them off on your fingers, eyes growing wider and wider. “Oh, you want me then?”

“That ain’t fuckin’ true and you know it—”

“Do I?” you scoff.

“I came that night when you texted,” he implores, voice raising, all wild-eyed and pleading. “You were drunk, and textin’ and you needed a ride.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that—”

“You didn’t ask me not too either,” he crosses his arms across his chest. “You wanted me to come. Don’t fuckin’ deny that now.”

You open your mouth but he’s too quick, matching your spill with his own now.

“And as if you’re any better?” he bares his teeth now, voice low. “As if you didn’t find out I was your teacher and keep fuckin’ me just for the thrill of it. As if you actually wanted me, and you weren’t just gettin’ off on chasin’ some forbidden fantasy.”

“I…” you gape at him, unafraid to let the hurt show on your face. “Is that really what you think of me?”

“What the fuck am I supposed to think?” he hisses, exhaustion evident in the way he runs a hand through his curls and sags against the door. “You tellin’ me I should believe that you just want me for what I am? A fifty-year-old teacher who spends his time giving fuckin’ speeches to people that are hardly listenin’? Who goes home to an empty bed? That’s what you want?”

And it deflates you, a little. The wounded expression on his face – the devastating truth in those words, splashed across his expression so plainly for you to see. Disbelief.

“Is that such a crime?” you ask quietly. “To want you… and have it be that simple?”

“You shouldn’t,” he shakes his head. Grimaces. “You shouldn’t want me, I’m—I’m no good for you.”

You swallow. Feel tears hot and sharp behind your eyes.

“Then why do you keep letting me?”

“Jesus,” he exhales, and his hand is on the hem of your shirt, pulling you closer, closer, until you’re pressed against his chest, hands coming up to grip his shoulders and steady yourself. “Because I can’t fuckin’ quit you, alright?”

“Because I don’t just want you when it’s convenient,” his lips curl around the word, disgusted by the insinuation. “Because I think about you all the god damn time and if I can only have you some of the time then I guess I’ll take it. Because if you want some fucked up fantasy, then I’ll play my part if it means I get you, I don’t care—”

You cut him off, lips firm and searing against his. He goes still for a moment, mouth parting with a surprised exhale, warm when you press inside with your tongue. And then warmer, salty; tears on his cheeks, on yours.

“That’s not what this is,” you whimper into his mouth, desperate for him to believe it. “It was never about that, it was about you, Joel. I want you.”

He kisses you again, slow. All of the anger and hurt and frustration pools out of the both of you, spilling from your mouths and into the air. His lips mould over yours and his hands are warm on your waist, your back, holding you tight against his chest. When you sniffle, he pulls back, forehead heavy against yours, and sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he rasps, eyes closed. “I missed you, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for—"

“Where were you?” you interrupt. “What happened in New York?”

He hesitates for a moment, nervous and calculating as he stares you down.

You wilt a little; dejected all over again. Recoil from him and quietly ask, “Why won’t you let me know you?”

Joel’s hand hovers in the air, as if contemplating reaching for you again, but then it drops and he says, “I was with my daughter.”

You blink.

Daughter.

Daughter?

“She lives there now,” Joel sounds a little breathless, cheeks pink as the words spill from him. “In New York, with her girlfriend. I’d planned to spend an extra day there with her, and then Nina—Nina cut her hand open at the studio and we had to go to the ER, and she had to get stitches and—” He pauses, waiting for you to jump in, to interrupt, to say anything. When you don’t, he takes a breath and continues. “And I wasn’t gonna stay any longer but Ellie was worried, and she needed me. She needed me there, and—and I’m never fuckin’ there, because she never needs me anymore. So I stayed, and I’m sorry I went silent but I was… I was takin’ care of my kid.”

You think it might be the longest—and the fastest—you’ve ever heard him speak outside of a lecture hall.

His eyes drift to something over your shoulder and his entire body seems to sag a little. But it isn’t sad. It’s a resigned, sort of relaxed thing that happens – the corners of his mouth tilt up and he smiles weakly.

You turn, follow his eyeline until you see them.

Pictures, so many pictures, lining the walls of his home. Ones you’d paid no attention to when you first stepped inside, but can now see clearly. Bright eyes and wide toothy grins.

Some of Joel younger, leaner, smiling beside a little girl with curly hair. Some of him as you know him now; scruffy and greying, beside a different girl. This one lanky and pale and grimacing toward the camera as if she were forced into being placed in front of it.

There’s one picture of the girls beside each other, teenagers maybe, sat on either end of a seesaw. The curly-haired girl is on the upper end, grinning madly at the lens, while the other sits with her feet planted firmly on the ground, laughing up at her. Two of them. Two daughters?

“Please say somethin’.”

There’s a picture of Joel and he’s holding a tiny little bundle in his arms, and he looks so young and so fucking afraid. Dark eyes wide and teary as he gazes down at chubby cheeks, his index fingers crooked around the edge of her swaddle. A warm feeling swells in your chest and your body softens the longer you look at it. He’s a father.

Joel says your name and when you turn his face is all twisted up, and he looks the smallest you’ve ever seen him. Almost curled in on himself.

“I should’ve told you,” he nods, brown eyes darting across your face in an attempt to decipher your silence. “I know that, and I—”

“I’m an asshole,” you interrupt softly, and the tears never left but now they feel heavier on your waterline. Begging to spill over again.

“Hey,” he frowns, hand coming up to cup your cheek. His thumb swipes at the soft skin beneath your eye, begging the wetness there to disappear. “Hey, hey, no—”

“I didn’t think…” you trail off, sniffling. A sickly cocktail of embarrassment and guilt and shame swirl in the pit of your stomach and you try to swallow it down, try to send it away, but it’s persistent. “I never stopped to think that something had actually happened, that you had… I feel selfish, Joel, I’m sorr—”

“You’re not,” he hushes, fingers curling into the hair behind your ear. “You didn’t know. I should’ve told you before, and I’m sorry.”

“I thought you were staying away because of me,” you offer a watery smile. “I thought maybe you and…” You can’t bring yourself to finish the sentence. Can’t make your lips form the name Rachel.

“No,” he shakes his head, jaw tight, as if reading your mind.

“Is she okay?”

“Ellie?”

“Ellie,” you roll the name around in your mouth. His daughter. “Yeah.”

“She’s okay,” he smiles, nodding. “They’re both fine.”

“And…” You look back at the pictures. Two. “And the other girl?”

“Sarah,” Joel says softly, pointing at wild curls and brown eyes that look just like his. And he must see the questions swirling in your brain because he speaks again. “I was twenty. My, uh, my girlfriend at the time didn’t know what to do. Didn’t wanna be a Mom, but didn’t agree with abortion, and we were so young and… well, I asked her to marry me cause it felt like the right thing to do, but she didn’t…” he shakes his head a little, a faraway look in his eye as he remembers it. “She said no. She never wanted that… so, after Sarah was born, I told her that she didn’t have to.”

“Didn’t have to?” you repeat the words, eyebrows furrowing.

“Didn’t have to stay,” he clarifies. Your lips part, surprised. “So, she didn’t, and we ain’t seen her since Sarah was a few months old.”

“Shit,” you whisper, eyes widening as the information finally starts to sink in.

“And Ellie,” he laughs then, gazing at a picture of auburn locks and shock grey eyes. “Well, that one showed up on my door some time fifteen years later. Been in ‘n’ outta foster care for years, and just started followin’ Sarah home from school one day. We did this little dance for a while; dinners and sleepovers and me slipping money into her backpack so she could buy lunch at school. And then one day she just… begged me not to make her go back to her own house. So I didn’t.”

“Wow, I…” you blink. “You adopted her? Alone?”

“I…” Joel pauses. Wets his lips, frowning as he collects his thoughts. “Alone is… I don’t think that’s the right word for it. You see Ellie was… Sarah and me, we just knew. She was family so fast. It was the only thing that made sense, you know?”

And it does, you suppose. The image isn’t hard to conjure. Joel at the dinner table with two teenagers on either side of him. Arguing over homework, over curfews, over what movie to watch. You can see the fondness in his eyes as he talks about them – the emotion laced through his words; we just knew.

“Tell me what you’re thinkin’,” Joel says, and that line between his eyebrows is back and it’s so deep that you can’t help yourself from reaching up and smoothing it over with your thumb. He catches your hand and holds it against the centre of his chest. Lets you feel the way his heart thuds heavily beneath the skin, a sturdy rhythm against your palm.

“It’s… it’s a lot to take in,” you confess, and his hand tightens over yours. “But I’m glad you told me.”

Brown eyes search yours, gaze heavy. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay then.”

You flex your palm against his chest. Dig your fingers into the flesh there a little.

“Can I…” he hesitates, eyes flickering down. “Do you… Can I kiss you?” You, you, you.

Your heart beats fast, and you feel his do the same, and Joel is a father, and two daughters, and I can’t fuckin’ quit you, and you’re breathing into his mouth yes, yes you can kiss me, please kiss me.

It’s warm and it’s gentle and it feels like such a kindness to kiss him now and feel less space between the two of you. Feels like a thousand apologies and explanations slipping off his tongue and you opening your arms to him, saying I understand, saying thank you for telling me.

And when you pull him closer, wrapping an arm around the back of his neck, he meets you in kind, pressing your back against the wall. He shifts his hips between yours and shows you how much he’s missed you, and only when his hand drifts beneath the hem of your shirt do you pause.

He stills, warm breaths drifting across your mouth as he looks into your eyes.

“Talk to me.”

“I’m exhausted,” you admit shyly, twisting a finger through a frizzy lock of hair at the nape of his neck. You tug at it, not meeting his eye, and watch it bounce back into a curl when you let go. He nods and kisses you again, closed lips soft and not asking for anything, never asking for more than you want to give, before he takes your hand and leads you through his house for the first time.

He runs you a bath. Makes you sit on the edge while he lays out a towel and checks the temperature every few minutes. Only when he’s satisfied that the water is perfectly warm does he help peel the clothing from your body. He grips your hand and helps you step into the tub, lowering you down into sudsy water. And when you’re settled, he pulls a stool nearby and sits, keeping you company as you soak.

“S’nice,” you tell him quietly, dragging a foamy sponge across your arms. “Thank you, Joel.”

The weight of before hangs over you a little, pressing down against your shoulders as you watch him. Gauge him. But he doesn’t seem angry or upset anymore. He leans over the lip of the tub. Runs his hands through the water, over the skin of your calf, your knee. Feels the coarse hairs that have grown there over the past fortnight and smiles when they scratch against his palm.

“Said you were sick?”

“Mhm.”

“What kind?”

“Just a cold,” you whisper. He squeezes your knee, palm against your patella, fingers soft in the flesh around it. “M’fine. Past it now.”

In the soapy water, his skin feels like silk against yours.

“Changin’ of the season,” he muses with a nod. “Normally gets me too.”

And you laugh a little at that, because it’s such a fatherly thing to say and you can’t believe how naïve you’d been to not see it before. Can suddenly picture him doing this a thousand times over; resting by the bath while one of his little girls floats in the water, nose all stuffy from the flu.

At the sound of your laughter he smiles, gaze dropping to your mouth, and the skin beside his eyes pinches. Little wrinkles, so soft and so beautiful that you want to reach out and brush your fingers across them.

“You’re so beautiful,” Joel murmurs, and his voice is hushed, so low in the small bathroom.

His fingers skirt against the inside of your thigh and you splay your legs open for him, knees knocking against the sides of the tub. He glances down through the water to where you’re spread open for him to see, shameless, and smiles.

“So fuckin’ beautiful,” he repeats.

“So are you, Joel.”

“Psh,” he rolls his eyes, offering a delicate little smile. So shy, so feeble, and so desperate to believe you. A little glimpse of that wary weight, still pressing down on him as well.

“Mean it,” you insist in a whisper. You lift a hand from the water, wet thumb grazing the corner of his mouth. Feel the bristles of his moustache, the hairs on his cheek, prickling against your skin.

“Swoony type,” you say, smiling when recognition flashes in his eyes. Stroke the fresh blush on his cheeks. “Long hair, bedroom eyes, cheeks like wine.”

“Hmm,” he murmurs, turning to press a kiss against your palm. “Can’t get away with plagiarisin’ Carson in this house, baby.”

“She just said it so well.”

“She did,” he agrees. “So did Tartt.”

“Tartt?” your mind wanes, the warm water lulling you into a sleepy sort of daze. You rest heavy against the side of the bath, gazing up at him

“Beauty is terror,” he quotes tenderly, eyes bold and earnest as he holds your stare. “Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it.”

You wrap an arm around his shoulders, water droplets staining his shirt where your fingers grip the material, and pull him forward to kiss you. Joel grips the inside of your leg and kisses you until your skin prunes and wrinkles. And when he notices he laughs with you, gripping your hand to press his lips against fingertips that look like raisins. Worships the soaked skin of your fingers until you pull his face back to yours; jealous of your own hands, fearful that they might come to know his kiss better than your lips.

And when the water goes lukewarm and you don’t know what time it is anymore, he dries you off with a soft towel and offers once more to take you home. But you say no, so he smiles and kisses you again—your lips, your cheeks, your eyelids—and leads you to his bedroom.

He drags a too-big shirt over your head, helps you loop your arms into the sleeves. Dark blue and warm, so warm, against your skin.

The two of you slip beneath the covers on his bed and he drags you against his side; lets you press your cold toes against his shins without so much as a flinch.

Facing each other on your sides, those hands slink beneath the shirt, rough palms cradling your ribs, your back, holding you tight against his chest until your breathing falls in sync. And those hands don’t stray, don’t move down, they just embrace you. A carefully held apology that promises I want this, to hold you, to be with you, too.

It stays like that, nothing more, until your eyelids are heavy, and his breathing has evened out. Stays like that until your hand drops from his back to the band of his boxers, sleepy little fingers plucking at the material, trying to slip underneath.

“You should rest.”

But you whine softly; needy and insistent as your fingers press harder.

“What do you need?” Joel rasps into your neck, helping you shift them down his legs.

“Need you,” you whisper back into the darkness of his bedroom. “Wanna feel you, I—”

His mouth is soft against yours, plucking those words from your mouth and swallowing them down. He sucks your bottom lip between his, prying your mouth open so he can slip his tongue inside.

His hand in on your knee, pulling your leg up until your thigh rests heavy around his hip and you can feel the hot weight of him against your core, still slick and warm and needy from when his hand rested on the inside of your leg in the bath.

And if you’d ever subscribed to the meaning behind words like sin you suppose that once this might have counted as one. An act worthy of being sent to reside in that second circle of hell, reserved solely for those overcome by lust; left to blow back and forth in the storm of their own desire. Two people who cannot touch, should not touch, who hold their hands out to feel anyways. A touch once spiteful, once desolate and removed, now so forthcoming. A touch that says this is the only way it could have ever been. And there can be nothing sinful about it anymore. No more shame or derision behind heavy eyelids, no more you shouldn’t or I’m no good for you. Here you rest comfortably in the hurricane of that second circle, and you welcome the breeze as a comfort.

Lips against yours, Joel feeds his cock to you in slow, careful passes.

Ensures you feel every ridge, every hard line of his body. And with each gentle press inside he murmurs against your mouth. Incessant, low nonsenses of so fuckin’ beautiful and god I missed you and that’s it, baby, I know, I know. His kiss smooth as an almond, tender as a fig. Ripe and wet and tremulous as his tongue finds a home against yours, over and over.

The comforter on his bed stays pulled high, up to your shoulders, and it traps the warmth of your bodies between you.

He coaxes rough, gasping sounds from you with every shift of his hips.

Long fingers grip the back of your thigh, using his hold there to rock your body into his over and over again, slowly, making sure you feel every second of it. Slick seeps out of you around his length, smearing against the inside of your thighs and his, and he groans at the wet sounds that slip from where the two of you are connected.

Joel says your name, low and gravelly, praising every syllable. He tells you how good it feels, how perfect you are, and every word is like an undressing of the flesh. Like you’re some tender butcher, peeling back layers of his skin to let the air hit hot, red, pulsating matter, flashes of thick, porcelain bone swimming amongst it all. He keeps you close, hardly an inch of your body not touching his, and yet you can see all of him. The whole surface and everything underneath it now too. And when you say his name in return and he moans, begs you to say it again, say my name again, it’s hearts on wings, thin fire racing beneath the skin, eyes unseeing, drumming filling your ears. It’s the cold sweat on his hands that hold you shaking, that feel the way you tremble and grip tighter. It’s wanting to take those bones of his and suck them clean; lick past the gristle and taste the marrow beyond it.

It's everything and it’s nothing and it’s that silly little four-letter word that you can’t bring yourself to say, let alone think, and it doesn’t even matter because he’s here and that’s enough.

His nose rests in the hollow above your collarbone and he inhales, smothering soft kisses to skin and bone there.

He says, “You smell like me,” and when he looks up and presses his forehead against yours, he almost looks wounded by it. He stills, holds himself deep inside and just stares, and his eyes are screaming I can’t fuckin’ quit you, so you lay your thumb over the dimple on his cheek and smile. “S’my clothes, my soap…”

Your body flutters and tightens around him, and your mouths fall open in soft moans, lips slotting together again.

“You like that?” you breathe into the kiss, and he tightens his fist around the back of the shirt, pressing inward until your back is arched, and your stomach is flush against his and he’s groaning yes.

“Want you in my clothes all the fuckin’ time,” he pants, and the tip of his cock presses so deep inside that you’re gasping, mouth hanging wide open. “And when you give ‘em back I’ll wear ‘em and smell like you, and then we’ll be even.”

“Even?” you laugh a little, nipping at his bottom lip. He smiles, eyes glinting in the darkness.

“Yeah, even,” he repeats it and presses forward in a sharp thrust to emphasise his point. You don’t need to hear it again to know exactly what he means.

“Tell me you’re mine,” you whisper, and he grunts, hips shifting a little faster against yours. You feel him pulse inside of you, his stomach tightening against yours.

“M’yours,” Joel murmurs, voice like velvet and honey, so soft as he leans forward to kiss you, licking the words into your mouth. You say it back, spell it out against his teeth, his lips, his jaw. Yours, yours, yours.

He says something else then, lips soft against your chin, and you’re so close; can feel it hot and burning in your gut, almost at tipping point.

“Hmm?”

“Baby,” Joel nips at your jaw, sharpening your senses. “Tell me you’re on the pill or somethin’.”

“I am,” you whimper honestly, and his body seems to sag against yours, hips shifting in sluggish, tired movements.

Something snaps at the base of your spine, and you tremble against him, gripping the back of his neck. Soon enough he’s shuddering into you, arms going tight around your back, trapping you against his chest as his cock pumps inside your core. And it’s warm and wet and sticky and his seed drools out of you, down to your asshole, smearing against the inside of your thighs, his sheets. Your legs wrap around his waist, holding him to you, keeping him there as long as you possibly can. Riding out your highs, and then the trembling, stuttering aftershocks in each other’s arms. He pants into your mouth and all either of you can say is mine or yours, until the words mix together and become a meaningless blur of sound murmured between locked lips.

It could be minutes or an entire hour before you manage to separate from each other. All eager little kisses and whines as his soft cock slips from your hold, thick spend seeping out of you in his absence. And you just want to sleep, want to curl up in his arms and never leave, but you slink off to the bathroom first. Wet your face and drop down on his toilet. Urinate and feel his come drip out of you. And where once, with someone else, you might have cringed at the feeling, you only feel warmth; calm.

In the bright lighting of his bathroom, you can see yourself reflected in the mirror above his sink. Hair a wild mess, cheeks and lips swollen with warmth. This woman in the mirror stares back at you and she has bright eyes. She smiles at you, and you feel your lips peel back, teeth on show just like hers. You stare at her and think god, she looks happy. When you wipe between your thighs and stand, she does too. And with your finger on the light switch, a wet handtowel clutched in your other palm, you give her one last look before turning out the light, feeling lighter than you have in weeks.

Thursday.

Joel sleeps on his stomach. At least, that’s how he ends up overnight.

Face buried deep in a pillow, one leg slung outside of the covers, with a heavy arm out to the side. When you wake, at first, you’re careful not to move. Not to breathe too heavily, not to cough or jostle him awake. He looks so peaceful like this. Heavy breaths puffing from chapped pouty lips, forehead smooth and devoid of the stress and exhaustion that often lines his face. A large hand rests close to you. Despite you drifting a part in the night, the body heat getting too much for you both, his fingers remain outstretched in your direction. The tips just grazing the skin of your stomach as you lie on your side and watch him.

A low murmur escapes from his mouth, face twitching a little, and then he’s relaxing again, humming in his sleep. You smile, and let your eyes wander.

There’s a pile of books on his bedside table, reading glasses dropped haphazardly atop them.

An Idiot’s Guide to Space, one of the weathered spines reads. Interesting.

A framed painting rests above a set of drawers on the side of his room. A vast landscape with a herd of horses galloping across it. Gorgeous hides of orange and brown and black splashed across green grass and blue sky. And on the back of his door… hangs a cowboy hat.

You move slowly, careful not to wake him as you rise and tip toe across the room. Coming to rest directly in front of the closed door, you slip it off the hook and admire it. You don’t even hear his breathing change as he wakes up.

Dark brown with a curved brim; the felt is soft beneath your fingers. The image of Joel wearing it, perhaps often, while living in Texas flits through your mind and you can’t help but smile. And then warm hands are on your hips, arms snaking around your waist to pull you back into a warm chest.

You gasp in quiet surprise, but your smile only broadens when Joel rests his chin on your shoulder, peering down at the hat in your hands.

“Mornin’,” he murmurs, voice gruff and deeper than usual. A pang of arousal swims in your core at the sound of it, but you ignore that, turning in his grasp.

“Good morning, cowboy.”

Joel groans, sleepy eyes drifting closed as he hugs you to his chest, swaying the two of you from side to side.

“Wanted to lie in,” he grumbles. “S’too early for this.”

“For what?” you blink in mock confusion, holding the hat against your chest.

“For you to see that.” He moves quick, tugging it from your grasp.

“Hey—” You gasp, wide eyed and ready to steal it back. But before you can Joel just lifts it onto his head with a heavy sigh. “Oh.”

“Oh?” he repeats, eyes narrowing.

Warmth simmers in your stomach and you smirk, stepping back to give him a quick once over.

“I could get used to this.”

“Jesus,” he rolls his eyes, moving to take it off but you grip his hand, shaking your head fiercely.

“Not so fast,” you coo. “I want the whole experience.”

“And what exactly is the whole experience?”

“You know—” You shimmy your hips a little. Imitate twirling a lasso in the air, wiggling your eyebrows. “Show me some tricks.”

Joel laughs at you, and you can see the desire in him to say no, to refute it, but the longer you stare him down, the more it cracks and fizzles away.

“Go on, cowboy,” you try out your best Texan drawl, falling down to sit on the edge of his bed.

He adjusts his legs, elbows bending as he waves two finger guns in your direction. You suck your lips into your mouth, swallowing down a laugh as he makes a small pchew pchew noise out the side of his mouth.

“Oh,” you smirk. “Is that all you got?”

“I’ll have you know,” Joel huffs, pretending to holster one of his guns. Hip cocked now, still dressed in nothing but his sleep shirt and boxers; he stares you down. “I’m startin’ to think this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

And that gets you. A sharp, barking laughs slips from your mouth, and Joel grins in return, the skin beside his eyes creasing as he adjusts the Stetson over his curls.

As your giggles calm, he just shakes his head, still smiling, and murmurs fondly, “Dadgum, you got a good laugh.”

Your face warms beneath his stare, and you just shake your head, bottom lip snagged between your teeth. Moving quick, Joel pinches the brim of the hat and places it onto your head. It’s a little big, and the brim falls down, obscuring your eyesight before he adjusts it for you. Then he takes a step back, hands on hips.

“How do I look?” You bat your eyelashes up at him, smiling shyly.

“I don’t know,” he fakes an air of contemplation, giving you a long look up and down. “Think you might be all hat ‘n’ no cattle.”

“Hey,” you pout. “I’d make a great cowboy; just need a pair of chaps.”

“Well, you can wear the hat and the chaps all you like,” Joel murmurs, gaze heavy. “But you ain’t a cowboy ‘til you prove you can ride like one.”

Your thighs tense and you arch an eyebrow, trying to remain nonchalant.

“Is that right?”

“S’right.”

“Mm,” you hum. You lick your bottom lip and watch the way his gaze darkens, eyes trained on the movement. “Gonna let me show you what I got?”

And so you end up back in bed, straddling Joel while he smirks up at you, long fingers twisting around the hem of your t-shirt. But when you slip a finger inside the hem of his boxers, the movement so reminiscent of last night, he laughs a little and gives you a look that says, really?

You pout, confused. “I thought you wante—”

“Uh uh,” Joel shakes his head. “Not what I meant.”

“Then what?”

“Get up here.” He lifts his chin upward.

Your eyes widen, stomach tensing a little.

Desire warms the inside of your thighs, and you murmur, “You want that?”

“Do I wa—?” he cuts himself off, eyes darkening a shade. “I said, get up here.”

Heart racing, you shimmy up his chest until your knees are planted on the mattress on either side of his shoulders. He smiles, encouraging, and you grip the hem of his shirt, prepared to pull it over your head, but he stops you.

“No,” he exhales, hand quickly gripping yours. “Leave it on for me.” And then he leans in and presses a kiss to the inside of your thigh, and you can only nod, holding your breath as you wait for him to reach where you want his mouth the most.

Face tucked in the cradle of your hips, Joel sighs your name. A rough exhalation, nose pressed into your skin. And it feels a little silly at first – your face is warm as you stare down at him, the wide brim of the cowboy hat tilting forward.

But then, breath hot and heavy against you, he mouths at the crease where your hip meets your thigh. Slow, drawn-out kisses that have your legs tensing over him, his hands slip beneath the shirt, tracing light patterns into the skin over your spine, all the way up to your shoulders. He keeps going until you’re shivering, a wet trembling mess in his hands, hips twitching forward with every touch of his mouth to your skin until he finally glides his tongue through your folds.

Your breathing hitches as he pants against you, chest vibrating with low sounds as he licks thick stripes up the entire length of your pussy. Eyes closed, he tastes all of you; tongue slipping over every piece of exposed skin that the position grants him. And with every broad stroke of his tongue, he dips inside your weeping hole and finishes with a gentle flick against your clit. So soft and so slow, building you up over and over until finally you break and begin rocking your hips into his face.

Joel grunts at first, a little surprised maybe, but in a second his hands are dropping to grip your thighs, locking you in place against his face.

At first, he guides you. Helps you find a rhythm that works, that feels good. Flattens his tongue and uses his grip to rock you back and forth over his face, groaning as you roll your clit against him, huffing and panting quiet little pleas. But soon enough your fingers are carding through his hair, holding him tight against you as you grind down into his mouth. Sharpening his tongue, he dips it inside of you and then drags upward, pulling your clit into his mouth and sucking gently.

You gasp, vision going hazy as you try to keep your eyes on him, try to watch, but it’s too good. He knows exactly what you like, and it all moves far too quickly for your liking. You can already feel your hips winding faster and harder against him, breaths falling shorter, everything in your stomach pulling tight and hot.

Joel can tell – he can always fucking tell – and one of his hands drifts over your ass, fingers slipping between your thighs from behind until his middle finger is circling your entrance.

“Fuck,” you inhale sharply, jaw going slack as he prods at your cunt, tongue lapping lazily over your clit all the while. “Please, your fingers, yeah, ohhh—”

A long finger sinks inside and you moan, head falling back.

“You like that?” he murmurs, pulling back to graze his teeth along the inside of your thigh. A second finger presses inside, and he curls them against that soft spot, fucking you slow and steady until you acquiesce, whimpering yesyesyesfucksogood towards the ceiling.

“Good girl,” he hums, slick tongue finding its way back to your clit.

He eats at you so lovingly. So generous as he lathes firm circles around your nerves, only ever pausing to suck you into his mouth again or press wet, open-mouthed kisses against the entirety of your cunt. Nose buried in the short curls over your mound, he doesn’t let up until your moans turn high pitched; strained little whimpers of his name falling from your lips as you press down harder and harder.

“Oh fuck,” you cry, hips rocking back and forth, faster now. He breathes you in, jaw shifting from side to side, matching the intensity of your movements with sharp flicks of his tongue. And when you fall apart, shoulders sagging forward, he moans, taking and taking and taking every last drop of what you have to offer.

And what an image it must be – you, wearing a Stetson, riding Joel Miller’s face. You almost wish you’d filmed it, for posterity’s sake.

He presses a small kiss to one swollen lip of your pussy, and then the other, before his head is falling back into the pillows and he’s smiling up at you.

The lower half of his face shines, lips and facial hair slick with your come, and you can’t help but grin back, a tired snort of laughter slipping from your mouth.

“How’d I do?” You grip the brim of the hat, tipping it down at him.

Joel smirks, hands squeezing your thighs, helping to shift you up and onto the side of the bed so he can sit up.

“I’d say you more than proved yourself,” he hums, leaning in to steal a kiss. You sigh, whining against his warm wet mouth, and reach a hand down to press it against his abdomen. Shifting lower, you trail your fingers over where his cock strains against his boxers, but Joel just tuts, pulling away and slipping off the bed.

“Hey,” you huff, gripping his shirt and trying to pull him back down, but he just shakes his head, laughing, and drags you to your feet.

“Gonna be late,” he tells you, squeezing your hips and pressing a kiss to your temple. “And you needa eat.”

Late. You’d almost forgotten that you had a lecture this morning. Joel’s lecture.

He turns, rifling in the chest of drawers, pulling out clothes, a pair of socks, while you stand behind him and watch, knees still shaking, with a fucking cowboy hat on your head. After a moment he turns, stares, and a rough laugh hits the air. Shaking his head, Joel grips the brim and tosses the hat back up on its hook before pointing towards the ensuite, telling you to shower.

“You coming?” you ask, and he just shakes his head, tugging on socks before padding towards the hallway.

“Cowboys don’t shower, baby,” he flashes a smile over his shoulder at you and winks. “They just dust off.”

When you make your way out of the shower, Joel is in the kitchen. Ironed black trousers and a neat white shirt cover his frame, and from across the room you admire him. That strong back, the pert rounded muscles of his ass. Fuck.

He manages to over scramble the eggs and burn the bacon because he can’t stop looking over his shoulder at where you rest at his dining table. Head resting heavy in your palm, you smile back at him. And when he puts a plate of food in front of you, you don’t have a single complaint.

The two of you eat fast, plucking little pieces of eggshell out as you go, smiling and laughing shyly as your feet tangle beneath the table. He watches you; makes sure you clear your plate before he takes it to the sink, murmuring something about how he won’t make you sit through me talkin’ for hours on an empty stomach. Says he’s pretty sure that counts as torture somewhere, baby.

And when he turns, dirty dishes forgotten in the sink, you’re staring at him, heart on your sleeve, and he must see it in your eyes. You know that it has to be clear as day; that forbidden four-letter word blazing across your forehead in bold letters.

Joel clocks your gaze and moves to hover over where you sit, wordlessly cupping your face in two broad palms and slotting his mouth over yours. And as he licks into your mouth, tasting the remnants of eggs and bacon and every unsaid word, you start to believe that maybe confessing wouldn’t be so bad. That maybe forbidden is a word you’ve prescribed to this feeling all on your own – that he might just be feeling the exact same way.

But he pulls back, presses two more quick pecks to your mouth and tells you to get ready, says he’ll drive the two of you to school, and the moment slips from your grasp.

Back in his car, you feel relieved to replace the memory of yesterday with this one. Windows down, the air is cool and calm against your skin as he drives you through town, sated, dopey smiles across both of your faces.

A Bob Dylan song drifts from the speakers and Joel sings along under his breath.

“We’ll meet again someday on the avenue. Tangled up in blue.” Voice low and breathy, left hand on the wheel, right hand on your thigh. You nod along to the lyrics, your fingers tracing the veins and tendons on the back of his hand all the way until he pulls over.

“Shouldn’t be seen walkin’ in together.”

“Yeah,” you agree, understanding. “Best not.”

The truck idles on the side of the road, somewhere inconspicuous down the street from campus, and you slip out his passenger door. Close it with a thud and peer in at him through the open window, eyes devouring every part of his face as if you won’t be seeing him within the hour, stood up in front of the room giving a lecture.

The truck peels away from the curb, Tangled Up In Blue still whining from those speakers, and Joel sends a quick wink out the window at you, his face a blur as he drives off. And you just smile, chest warm despite the cool Spring air on your face, walking along in the same direction – because you know exactly what that wink means. And you love it.

Our little secret.

a/n refs:

in Dante’s Inferno he said that those overcome with lust were doomed to the second circle of hell, wherein they would be buffeted back and forth by the terrible winds of a violent storm, without rest. slay.

the bacchae tr. by anne carson [read if you have mummy issues, a massive ego, or just like the idea of frolicking in the woods for a while...]

the secret history by donna tartt [read if you like unreliable narrators, strange professors and stranger students, and the nursery rhyme 'the farmer in the dell']

the end of the affair by graham greene [read if you like weird intense guys and angst and infidelity]

eros the bittersweet by anne carson [read if you're cool as fuck]

thank you for reading! x

#finally am i right?#my writing #fic: a lover's pinch #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut

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cinemamind · 3 months

Text

Goodness, so many new messages.

I will try to address everything and collect my thoughts as best I can.

[This is in regards to my recently stolen animated short film, 'Pleasant Inn.']

First, thank you all so much for sending me such tremendous support and kind words. These past few weeks have been incredibly frustrating for me, so it's nice to know that there are artists and fans out there who feel incredibly passionate about this as I am.

Having said that, I am unamused by any calls to violence against the thief. No harassment or death threats, please.

I just want to share my animations on YouTube without having to worry about anyone trying to steal them from me. I also don't want other channels to get strikes just for reacting to my animated short films.

Recent developments must have gotten the thief's attention because pretty much all of their social media has been taken down or made private.

Though, it seems like they're trying to muddy the waters by changing up the title and release date on the fake Imdb page??

(at least they added 'Crime' in the tags, which... yeah. It is.)

(a bit of a late edition, but the Imdb page is just GONE now ʘ.ʘ)

That was quick!

And hey, Facebook finally heard my appeal and took down the 'Paradise Hell' video, so maybe Youtube will listen and take action as well.

Hopefully things improve by next week and I will try to keep everyone posted if any significant changes happen.

Again, thank you all so much🖤 It feels good to be overwhelmed by love for a change.

#cinemamind #horror #artists on tumblr #long post #pleasant inn #art theft

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becsabillion4 · 4 months

Text

false god (we still worship)

pairing: carmen berzatto x f!reader

summary: Carmen has a bad shift, but you’re more than willing to turn his night around and show him exactly how good he is.

word count: 3,362

tags: SMUT, rough sex, unprotected sex, oral sex, creampie, semi-public sex, window sex, lingerie, praise kink, vulnerable Carmy, 18+ only

note: this is explicit 18+ only and yet again NOT an advert for safe sex. with that said, it’s fucking hot ;) and thank you to the wonderful person who submitted the prompt that inspired this, based around Carmy having a tough day and reader taking care of him (even though I’ve failed at tumblr and can’t find the original message). enjoy!!

thesydkid

Yo. Awful shift. Glad you weren’t here to see it.

whochefsouschef

fuckkk what happened?

thesydkid

Newbies think they know better than Tina because they went to CIA. You can imagine how Carmy took that.

whochefsouschef

was it kyle? he’s been like that since he started.

thesydkid

Yeah

Classic

whochefsouschef

syd?

I know that’s not all. kyle doesn’t warrant a text warning

thesydkid

Carm got food sent back.

whochefsouschef

shit.

thanks for the heads up

thesydkid

Good luck, cya tomorrow.

—------------------------------

It’s late, the kind of late where even the drunks winding through the streets have stopped their singing, the kind where it’s already too late to go to bed and get an ounce of good sleep. It’s the kind of late where you would have known it was a bad night even if Sydney hadn’t texted you first, because you know how hard Carmy cleans when he’s upset, and exactly how long that takes.

You sit up in bed abruptly, pushing your hair out of your face and considering your options. You have maybe ten minutes if Sydney texted you as soon as Carmy left, ten minutes to decide how you want to handle this kind of bad day. You feel a surge of frustration that you weren’t on shift tonight. As the Front of House Manager, you could have soothed the moronic, greedy, power-tripping customer who wanted to pull one over on the best chef in Chicago by sending back his perfect food-

Actually, maybe it was for the best you weren’t on shift tonight, or you might no longer have a job.

You smile when you think about how Richie will have handled it though. His courteous, collected energy even as he probably said something like, “Oh, you’d like to send this back? Wow, I’ve never heard a, uh - what do you call ‘em - oh, complaint before. Are you sure you know what this dish is?”

The smile fades when you think about Carmy’s reaction. You push yourself out of bed, decided by the image of his frustration, the anger he uses to hide his sadness. There’s been a few particularly bad shifts since you and Carmy moved in together - and Richie labelled himself as “matchmaker to the stars” for hiring you - and you know that if left to his own devices, Carmy will happily stay up all night stewing.

But you’re here now, and you’re determined not to let him. So you set your plan in motion.

By the time you hear his keys clink in the lock, you’re settled by the sofa, bare skin slightly chilled by the evening air coming in from the cracked window. You glance up as Carmy walks in, catch his eye, and he stops dead, hand still on the lock.

Bluer-than-blue eyes flicker across the scene you’re presenting for him - your best lingerie, your patient kneel, steady eyes - and he straightens from his tired stoop.

“Hey,” he murmurs, eyes still tracing how the lace drapes across your skin in the low light.

“Hi,” you smile. “Join me?”

Without looking away from you, Carmy shuts the door, drops his stuff in a careless pile. “Syd texted?”

“I couldn’t sleep. And I wanted to surprise you.”

Carmy’s eyes drift away from you for a second, glancing around the room, like he does when he’s thinking something through. You can almost hear his brain clicking through the gears. Turning the kitchen off, turning something else on.

“It was bad, sweetheart,” he says. “Fuckin’ shitty.”

“It’s over.” You raise a hand to him, tilt your head towards the sofa. “Get over here and let me do filthy things to you to make up for it.”

He laughs at that, toes off his shoes and takes the few steps to the sofa. He doesn’t sink into the cushions like you expected though, but kneels in front of you. You reach out, run a hand over the side of his face, feel the days-old stubble rasping under your touch. Bringing your other hand up, you cup his face, thumbs tracing over the bags under his eyes like you can smooth them out with that simple touch. You can feel his exhaustion in the way he leans forward into the feeling, and it breaks something in you.

When you kiss him, you intend for it to be careful and slow. Bring him out of his shell, remind him that things outside The Bear exist. But the moment your mouths press together, the moment you nip the edge of his bottom lip, the drained and defeated Carmy is gone.

He surges forward, almost sending you tipping over backwards, arms wrapping around your waist. One hand slides to your lower back, stretching to cover as much of your skin as he can possibly grasp. Pulling you forward, Carmy bows his head to suck a bruise into your throat and you know for damn sure it’ll be visible tomorrow. A glaring mark, a “fuck you” to the rest of the world painted on your skin.

Your hands are far from idle either, and as one pulls at his T-shirt, rucking it up to explore the muscles beneath, you run a finger from the other over the arch of his ear. Carmy shudders in a broad, full-body motion and his hips stutter, jerk forward into you. You both moan at the contact and you want to chase it, feel him pressed between your thighs, but clearly Carmy has other ideas.

He reaches under your arms and pulls you up to stand with him, letting his hands continue their journey down your sides to reach your waist. All you have time to do is gasp as he hoists you off your feet, and he’s already walking towards your floor-length window as you desperately try to wrap your legs around his waist. He doesn’t give you much chance to breathe, the hand not holding you up pushing deep into your hair and curling strands around his fingers so he can pull your head back, press more kisses to the hollow of your throat.

For a dizzying moment, you can see the lights of Chicago upside down, but you manage to pull your head up just before your back hits the cold glass. You hiss at the chill against your bared skin and Carmy runs a hot palm around to your back in apology even as his tongue continues its insistent sweeps against your own.

You barely register the soft clink of his belt, the push and rustle of fabric between you until his cock is pressed close, the only thing keeping it from filling you your own stupid lacy underwear.

With a frustrated groan, Carmy gently lowers you until your feet sink into the carpet, but he still gives you no room to move, pressing you into the misted-up glass as if he can’t tear his body from yours.

“Carmy,” you pant, unsure what you’re asking, but you know he understands when he grabs your upper arm, spins you around to face the view. The glass is warmer now, but still cold enough that the press of your barely-concealed nipples to its surface makes you moan as you hear Carmy kneel, feel him sliding your panties down your legs.

He doesn’t even let them reach your ankles before he’s up again, kissing his way along your spine as he goes, and finally, finally, the head of his cock nestles in where it needs to be.

Its hot and heavy presence has you pushing your hips back, wanting to feel the glorious slide of him, lose yourself in the moment he splits you, and all you can see, eyes half-slitted in pleasure, are the glittering lights of the city below. You live pretty high up and the lights are low enough that none of the busy pedestrians below should see, but all it would really take is a glance up and an observant eye. To see your breasts pressed against the glass, Carmy’s possessive hands gripping your hips as he finally drives into you. Even from this distance, you imagine the pleasure on your own face and your walls flutter around Carmy until he growls, pulls your hands from where they were flat against the window into a bind behind you.

There is nothing kind and gentle about this moment, no give in Carmy’s body as he fucks into you, and you revel in it. Let him take his pain and translate it into pleasure through your body. Let him take and take and take until he has nothing left to give, and let the world see him doing it. Let them see what’s his.

These thoughts alone have you teetering, desperate for a few more strokes, but the surprise of Carmy reaching around to draw lazy circles over your clit as he snarls, “Fucking look at you, look how good you take me,” has you seizing up instantly. You can faintly hear your own surprised cry through the buzzing in your ears, and Carmy’s gasps as he feels you pulsate around him, but you only fully come back to yourself when you press your forehead against the blessedly cool glass.

The strength of your orgasm is enough that your legs are visibly shaking now, and without a word, Carmy bends to scoop up your lower half and pulls you in, cradling you across his front. You close your eyes for a moment, trying to calm your breathing as you push your face into his chest, but before you can even begin to get your head straight, you feel soft sheets on your back as he lowers you to the bed.

He sinks down beside you, and all his desperation from a moment ago is gone as his body finally relaxes. He’s still hard and straining towards you, but the light has dimmed in his eyes, so when you reach for him, it’s to run a hand across his cheek, to bring his eyes to yours. When you move towards him, it’s to curl your legs with his, to press your forehead against his and settle his breathing with your own.

People think Carmy is so used to taking shit that it doesn’t hurt him anymore, but you know. You know how each word drives so deep that he doesn’t know how to take good anymore, how he invites the anger and the aggression of a kitchen into his soul because the alternative is realising that all the shit he’s been through is too awful, too devastating to reconcile. To keep feeling it, so he has no time to wonder what his life would be without it.

You see the weakness and the fear and the vulnerability, and you know how he absorbs the feeling and translates it into his work, how he uses it to fuel him, how he turns the criticism and the insults and the hatred into being better, being perfect, doing a good job.

“You are so wonderful, Carmy,” you murmur, and when he tries to look away, you hold his head still. “Tell me what happened.”

“Nothing. Shit, not really anything.” You’re silent, and he sighs as he caves under the pressure of your gaze. “Back when I was in New York, you remember that chef I told you about?”

You nod, because you know you can’t say anything remotely okay about that particular chef.

“He had this thing, about pasta. Thought he was some kind of expert because he spent, like, three months with Massimo Bottura. We had to boil water from cold every time, for every single batch of pasta we served, and there was this exact amount of salt we had to add. It wasn’t like a teaspoon, it was seven point three grams for every hundred of pasta. And he could fucking tell if you were off, he barely had to taste it. One time I saw him smell somebody’s pasta and tell them they were off by point two.” Carmy’s voice is shaking, and you move your thumb along his cheekbone slowly, calmly, giving him something to root himself to. Remind him he’s not there.

“And I was thinking about it while I was cooking the bucatini, and it’s like he was in the room again, saying the same shit he always did. Watching over my shoulder as I added the salt, and it made me so mad,” Carmy mutters, breaths coming in pants now. “And I didn’t even think, I just added like way too much salt. Enough to fuckin’ ruin it, ‘cos I just wanted to see him choke on it. And then I sent it out.”

You don’t take your eyes from his face as you curl one hand down to straighten the fingers of his, to stop the nails he’s digging deep into his palm from cutting into his skin.

“And of course it got sent back, and Richie apologised and comped their bill, and they didn’t care. But, like, I just sabotaged my own restaurant. My own reputation, becuase I can’t stop fuckin’ thinking about salting pasta,” Carmy finishes in a rush, and he finally meets your eyes.

“Carmy, you’re working in a kitchen every day. It’s no surprise you remember other kitchens you’ve been in, and the kind of behaviour you’ve had to endure. But it’s not that kitchen anymore. This is your kitchen we’re talking about, your space. When you look over your shoulder, he’s not there anymore. Syd is, and she’s got your back. We’re not some pristine, sterile team with no heart. Richie’s there.” You feel a surge of emotion so strong for the brilliant, vulnerable man in front of you that you push your face into his shoulder, hard enough that he has to steady himself from falling back onto the bed. His other hand comes up to card loosely through your hair, and you suppress a soft noise of comfort to finish with, “I’m there.”

“I know, baby,” he responds, pulling you closer until you’re practically curled into his lap. “And I think it’ll get easier, it’s already easier. I just don’t think I’ll ever entirely stop sabotaging myself. I’m not like the food I make, I’m not composed and-and, perfect. I’m not, uh, not always good at stuff.”

“Okay, but you’re good plenty of the time,” you whisper, looking up at him. You smile as he glances down, catches your eye. “I could go on for days about the stuff you’re good at.”

“Oh yeah?” Carmy murmurs, pressing a kiss to your forehead, down and round the edge of your face to the shell of your ear. You shiver instinctively, press into the feeling.

“You’re good at that. Good at getting me out of control,” and your voice is already shaking.

“You’re not out of control, babe. I’ve got you. You’re mine,” Carmy is muttering inbetween kisses as he rolls you onto your back, pins your arms to your sides with his legs and begins to fully slide off your lingerie, slowly, carefully. His hands are, as always, steady. You remember all the times you’ve watched him roll a cigarette, piece together edible art as flames lick at his chef’s whites, and you can’t remember a time you’ve seen them shake.

From the eye of the storm he’s creating in you, you watch as he slides down the bed, skimming his lips across your trembling thighs until he sits back, and moves his hands to your knees.

You can almost feel the pleasure it gives him as, at the lightest touch from him, you part your legs, let him see what he does to you. What he has done. When he growls, you realise he can see remnants of your earlier escapade against the window at your entrance, his come marking you.

When Carmy dips his finger inside you, your hips jerk towards him, but he holds them down with one hand. His finger delves deep for a moment, and then leaves you suddenly, but before you can protest, he brings his hand to your face, offers you the digit. You’re entranced by the silent command in his eyes, and with no hesitation, you open your mouth and let Carmy’s come-covered finger slide inside, press deep towards the back of your throat. When you swallow, the bitterness makes you moan, envision being on your knees for Carmy, his fingers twined so deep into your hair it hurts, feeling his white-hot heat at the back of your throat.

It breaks whatever tension was stretched taut between you, and Carmy wraps his arms around your legs, pulls your body towards him and lowers his face between your thighs. For a moment, he teases you, nibbling at the juncture where your leg curves into your hip, skimming his teeth across the bone, but you know he’s secretly just as impatient as you are, and when he takes his first tender lick across your clit, he moans even louder than you do.

Giving head is an art for Carmy, and feels like a privilege to you. You’ve seen him enjoy food in the kitchen, give somebody that blown-away glance that they’ve worked their whole lives to see, but he never takes more than one bite.

But this, with you, as you watch him devour you whole...It’s the only meal you’ve ever watched him finish.

Tongue swirling delicately across your center, breaking for hungry kisses to your thighs as his hands grasp at any inch of you he can reach, you can’t help the words that spill from you, “yes, yes, Carmy, you’re so good, you make me feel so good, my good boy, please-“, but you can’t continue as he slides two fingers deep inside your aching pussy, so deep you don’t ever want him to move.

At this point in the erotic novels you read during your lunch break (which, if Fak were to find them, would spell the end of your career), the heroine says something about how it feels like hours pass with her lover between her legs. But this is real life, and all Carmy has to do is mutter, “Finish for me baby, finish for me,” for you to come embarrassingly quickly.

You’re practically incoherent on the comedown, and all you can summon the strength to do is pull him into you, press kisses to his forehead and mumble over and over how fucking amazing he makes you feel.

“If you lose everything else, Carmy, if you ever think there isn’t a thing in this world you’re any good at, just know that you are a god at giving head,” you pant eventually, and when he pushes his face into your neck, you can feel his smile there.

For a moment more, you just enjoy the press of his body against yours, revel in the sweat and slick between you. It dawns on you slowly just how slick it feels, and you gasp as you realise-

“Carmy, did you-?”

Carmy laughs into your skin, tracing one hand across your chest idly until you shiver. “Yeah. You, uh, you were moaning and telling me how good I was and…it was hot.”

You laugh with him breathlessly, still kind of in awe at how well you fit after all this time, how at home you feel with him. “Well, I hope that made your bad day a little better.”

Carmy is silent for a second before he murmurs, “You have no idea what you do for me,” and you can see the shine of his eyes in the glitter of the city lights filtering through your window. “There can never be a bad day if I end it right here, in this bed, in your arms.”

You would reply, but he’s kissing you into silence before you can, and you wonder for a moment if any words will ever need to be said between you and Carmy again, or whether you can communicate all the fear, all the anger, all the love, just with kisses and touch and his lips against yours. But eventually, as you slip into sleep with his body twined around yours, you decide that tongues were made for more than just talking.

#becsabillion #carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x you #Carmen berzatto x ofc #the bear #the bear fanfiction #carmy the bear #fanfic #fanfiction #smut #carmen berzatto smut #jeremy allen white #the bear fandom

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azullumi · 6 months

Note

Sorry but your thoughts on designer! Reader X Aventurine?

Like, I want to dress this peacock into so much staff, from tailored expensive suits with unbelievably beautiful patterns to the fucking dresses. (Rine in dress Rine in dress *trembles chews on chair*.)

Or maybe make him a living mannequin when he has free time? Like look at this man, the perfect waist. (new art new art omg)

It's like, so unrelated to IPC that maybe Aventurine would even find peace in having a Reader from a simple world (yeah simple fashion world of course yeah...)

Anyways, if it's boring or silly, you can just delete it!! It's okay, place your needs and desires first!

Cheese for you. 🧀

"the way you look tonight" ; aventurine

summary — you just get along with him so well and he just adores you so much.

pairing — aventurine (w/ fashion designer! reader)

tags — established relationship, fluff, not proofread, 1k words ; headcanons

note — i hope u like this nonnieee!! and thank you for the cheese 🧀 hopefully, he wasn't ooc in this one omgosh also this reminded me of the costume i have to make and i haven't started yet hahahaha?? this is day 3 of writing for this man until i have him.

Aventurine likes to adorn himself in expensive jewelry and clothing, to dress himself with extravagant accessories and jewelries (Have you seen the rings on his hands? His watch? The bracelets on his wrists?); that was a well-known fact. So when he met you for the first time as he visited a certain planet whose main trading point was fabric, textiles, clothing, and everything related to fashion, the relationship that will soon blossom will be inevitable. You just get along with him so well and he just adores you so much—it was like a match-made in the universe.

From then on, whenever he has the time to do so, he’ll arrange visits to your planet. It could be surprise visits or ones planned between you two (it’s mostly just him messaging you that he misses you so he’s planning on stopping by soon). Nevertheless, you love seeing him, love the way he always greets you with a hug and a kiss when he sees you. He’ll always bring you presents every time he comes by. Souvenirs from another planet, trinkets and charms that he thinks you would like, and occasionally, patterns, fabrics, clothes, and such.

Aventurine doesn’t mind you using him as your model—he was your muse, after all. He doesn’t mind having to stand still as you take his measurements or see which color suits him better by repeatedly alternating two different fabrics against his skin (it’s like a free color analysis). All the while, he’s entertained by just you talking to yourself and seemingly troubled.

“Hm, I think this one looks good, don’t you think?” You say as you fall into deep thought, holding the fabrics in your hand. You stand in front of the blond-haired man who just watches you the whole time with a relaxed look on his face—his soft gaze follows your every movement and a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “No, wait, but this one looks nice too. Why is it so hard to decide?”

You fall into silence, into deep thought, and Aventurine simply waits for your next move. He’s like a living mannequin but he doesn’t complain, afraid that he’ll break your focus if he speaks at this moment.

“What do you think?” Finally, you looked at him. He doesn’t answer immediately, but instead, he smiles and tucks a few strands of hair behind your ear.

“Have you eaten already?” He’ll ask, caressing the of your cheek so sweetly, so gently. A lull of a touch and you can’t help but to lean against his hand to seek more of his kindness. You’ll answer him with a hesitant tone, “I wasn’t asking that though…” He could immediately tell the answer with just the tone of your voice and the way you avert your gaze away from him.

“How about we go out and eat first? I have a reservation for the both of us at the restaurant down the street. They serve your favorites.”

He just likes watching you as you work; eyebrows scrunched, eyes focused, and gaze unwavering as you concentrate on what you’re doing. Occasionally, he’ll watch over your shoulder as you sketch a new design. If you have long hair, he’ll tie it back for you so that you won’t be bothered by your strands obstructing your sight. Sometimes, he’ll massage your shoulders as he kisses the crown of your head. However, when it’s already late at night, he’ll ask you to go to bed with him already while peppering your face with kisses until you’ll let go of your pencil and give in to his words.

Aw, you can’t afford to buy the fabric? You don’t have enough money to buy the pattern that you like? Everything is too expensive? Fortunately for you, this man is willing to spend millions—or even trillions—of credits just to get you what you want and need. You just have to ask and he’ll provide without hesitation. You’re worried about how you’ll repay him? Just a kiss will do. A fair and perfect price for it all, right?

While Aventurine brings you to casinos with him, you also bring him to watch fashion shows with you—majority of the whole show, however, he would just be watching you and adoring the way your eyes sparkle and your expression brightens. You’ll ask him how the show was and which one he likes best and he doesn’t know how to answer your question, only thinking of how you looked so lovely at the moment.

PHOTOS OF HIS OUTFITS OF THE DAY!! He’ll randomly send you pictures of him standing in front of a mirror in just a simple pose as he shows you what he’s wearing to work. He likes it whenever you compliment him—tell him he looks good, that he looks amazing in the suit you’ve made, that he looks so handsome and you wish to kiss him. (i’m an avid believer of aventurine having words of affirmation as one of his love languages)

It’s undeniable that he looks good in everything that he wears, much more if it's made by your hands. He wears the clothes you tailored for him or the outfits you have planned for him, seemingly showing them off in a rather subtle yet loud way. He’ll occasionally adjust the cuffs of his wrist, fix his tie even though it’s not even messy, or anything that would grab the attention of the person he’s talking to so that they’ll bring it up in a conversation; “Stop adjusting your coat, Aventurine. I know (Name) designed it for you.” A certain silver-haired girl would say and the man adorned with your work would only answer with: “Aren’t they so talented?”

MATCHING CLOTHING (hello?! i know i already mentioned the matching things in my previous work BUT MATCHING CLOTHING WITH HIM!!), especially ones that you’ve designed and tailored for the both of you. Whenever the both of you are going out for a date, he’ll ask what color you’re going for today or what you’re wearing so that he can match you. Be surprised or not, but the bouquet of flowers he bought for you would also match the palette of your clothes.

The first time you proposed the idea of him wearing a dress, he was baffled and somewhat confused. One minute, you were talking about the design of a suit and asking for his opinion on the matter and the next, you’re asking him what he thinks of dresses. Before he knew it, he was with you, choosing among the many collections of dresses that you have garnered in either your closet or boutique. How could he say ‘no’ to you, eyes wide with expectation and gleaming like the surface of a jewel, how could he ever say ‘no’?

Everything was just so simple with you—a form of escape, a way of running away from the thoughts that binds him. Every moment that he spends with you eases him of the worries, of the stress, of the chains that holds him as if he was a flightless bird born in a cage (you were simply his solace). In your presence, he’ll find tranquility inked into the softness of your skin and he’ll murmur his wishes along the lines of your soul; he wishes everything was this warm and easy.

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imagines-for-the-fangirls-soul · 2 months

Text

The Prince - Chapter Three

A/N: Hi hi! I always make moodboards for my longer fics and came across this little secluded garden image and just had to work it into the fic. Hope you like this one! Thank you for all your likes, reblogs, comments, messages, they mean the world to me <3

Pairing: Jacaerys Velaryon x Reader Word Count: 4.6k Synopsis: Tensions grow as the reader tries to pursue other marriage options, with Jace's help. Sparring, sneaking away, and midnight garden confessions ensue.

Tag List: @rinisfruity14, @gaiaea, @rexorangecounty

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

You are an idiot. You replay the events of last night in your mind and grow more ashamed by the minute. You had thrown up in front of the prince, and then minutes later, nearly kissed him.

You write to Jeyne what you can, trying to leave out details that reveal just how mortifying the event was, but needing her advice. You wish you could wait, she's to come to King's Landing in a few months at Rhaenyra's request, but the matter seems too pressing to put off.

You wish you could tell someone here, but the only people you are close with are Jace’s brothers and Rhaena, sister to his fiancée. Rhaena had become a close friend during her time in the Vale, but you do not delude yourself that she will want to discuss your budding feelings for her sister’s betrothed. You are to meet with her and Baela in an hour, and you need all thoughts of the prince gone before you see them.

When you arrive in Rhaena’s chambers, she and Baela are looking at something on her table, completely transfixed by it that they don’t hear you enter. You clear your throat and they both look up with a smile.

“Oh good, you’re here,” Rhaena says, grabbing your arm and dragging you over to the table.

“What’s all this?” you ask.

“A list of potential prospects,” Baela says proudly. There are a dozen names on the list at least.

“I can’t believe you did this,” you say. Rhaena knocks her shoulder with yours.

“I want you to be happy,” she says, rolling her eyes, “Of course I did all this.” You take a quick scan of the names, recognizing a few lesser lords, third-born sons, men who wouldn’t mind marrying a woman without a title.

“Thank you,” you say, looking at them with wide eyes.

“We can go through the list together,” Rhaena says. “And weed out the bad. Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” she asks Baela.

“It’s not that I don’t want to judge a group of men with the two of you,” she says with a smile, “But I already promised Jace I would fly with him today.” Your stomach flips excitedly at his name.

“Fine, leave all the fun to us,” Rhaena says.

“What kind of fun?”

The three of you snap your attentions to the doorway where Jacaerys stands, a bemused expression on his face. You say, “Nothing,” at the same time Baela says, “A list of suitors for Y/N.”

“Oh?” Jace asks, tilting his head, his eyes meeting yours. He walks over to the group, filling in the space between you and Baela.

“Y/N,” he says lowly in greeting.

“Your Highness,” you say, for some reason, suddenly breathless. He looks at the list for a long minute, a frown on his face. He turns it over, like he expects more names.

“Nothing indeed,” he says, pursing his lips. You glare at him, but it only makes the corners of his mouth upturn.

“What do you mean nothing?” Baela asks, snatching the slip back from him. “Rhaena and I worked hard on this list.”

“I can name at least four names on that list that are older than fifty. Lord Farwynd is a drunk, Ser Mollen a cheat. I could keep going.”

“Please don’t,” Rhaena says. “It was just a place to start.”

“Well, if you would like my opinion, you know where to find me,” he says, his eyes never leaving yours.

“I will keep that in mind, Your Highness,” you say.

“Good.” He turns his attention to Baela. “Are you ready?”

“Yes." She exchanges a glance with her sister, rolling her eyes. Rhaena hides her smile from the prince.

“Ladies,” Jacaerys says, nodding to you and Rhaena both, his eyes lingering on yours for a moment.

“Good luck,” Baela says, urging Jace out the door with her hand on his shoulder. You look away when the sight makes envy twine through you. The door closes behind them and Rhaena sighs.

“The list isn’t perfect,” she begins, “But—”

“Don’t worry about it,” you say, “We’ll just have to do our research is all. There’s got to be someone good on here.”

For the next week, that is all you do. You spend every day with Rhaena, sometimes joined by Baela, discussing what they know about each name on the list, what the maids can tell them, and what little they can find out about their families in the history books of the library.

You meet with a few men, taking strolls with them through the gardens, sharing a meal with them, and even attending gatherings of theirs. So far, nothing has clicked. The men are more often kind than not, but the attraction just isn’t there.

At lunch one day, after a long week of researching suitors, and making forced conversation with a few, you find yourself enjoying a rare, quiet meal. The room you’re in has a large window, and is up so high, you can’t hear the chatter of the city.

You take a moment to center yourself, to recognize how lucky you are to be here. The suitors had been boring, but they had all seemed kind. Each of them was far better than Lord Blacktyde.

It was foolish to assume that you would find a love match, and one so quickly, too. It was best that you just picked one, one who laughed at the jokes you told, and looked into your eyes while you spoke, not down at your chest. Fantasizing about a knight in shining armor wasn’t going to get you anywhere.

The door opens across the room, shaking you from your thoughts, and Aegon walks in, Viserys following with two maids.

“Well, hello, Your Highnesses,” you say, standing as they approach.

“Y/N,” Aegon says, “You have to come see us spar. Jace taught us so many new moves since the Vale.”

“Really?”

“Really!” Viserys chimes in.

“He says we’re nearly as good as Joffrey.”

“Well, I definitely need to come see for myself, then,” you say. The boys smile excitedly.

“We are sparring in an hour,” Aegon says.

“I will be there,” you say, giving his hand a squeeze. He laughs and squeezes yours back, before turning and running out the door with his brother, the maids racing after them.

An hour later, you arrive at the sparring grounds. The moment you step outside, you are met with the sound of swords clashing, grunting, yelling, and the smell of sweat. It is unpleasant, but it confirms you are in the right place.

Walking across the viewing platform you stop along the railing. A rare sea breeze reaches your face at this height, and you breathe it in greedily. It is a reminder of home, and one that settles you. When you look down at the sparring grounds, you find Jacaerys’s eyes on you. He is smiling gently and doesn’t look away when you meet his gaze.

He strolls over, looking up at you, his eyes squinting slightly in the sun. He is still smiling when he greets you.

“Hello there,” he says.

“Good afternoon, My Prince,” you say, leaning over more to meet his eyes.

“I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you here before,” he says, “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“Aegon invited me,” you say, nodding towards the younger boy, making his way across the field, wooden sword in hand.

“Ah,” Jace says, his smile growing.

“He wants to show me some of the new things he’s learned from his brother,” you say. You cannot help but stare at Jacaerys. Sweat clings to his brow and hair, the latter of which has been slicked back with it, highlighting the angles of his face. He wears dark armor that clings to him favorably. When you snap back into the present, the prince is smirking at your perusal.

“Well, we’ll be sure to put on quite the show,” he says, nodding to you before walking over to Aegon. Viserys and Joffrey make their way onto the grounds, both giving you a kind smile when they spot you.

Jacaerys begins with Aegon, giving the younger boy a few instructions. Aegon is a bit nervous at first, missing his step and tripping over his own toes. He settles after a moment. He lunges for Jace, who blocks the move easily. He parries back, testing Aegon. The boy does as he was taught and meets his brother’s wooden blade. You cheer for him and clap.

They both turn towards you. Aegon is beaming proudly. Jace is smiling, too. Your gaze meets his for a moment too long. A moment, which is only broken when Aegon takes a swing at his brother, knocking the wind out of him.

You stand up, a hand covering your mouth in shock. Joffrey and Viserys make their way towards the other pair, looks of surprise on their faces, too. Jace stands up slowly, a hand to his stomach. When you realize he is alright, you are the first to start laughing.

Jace looks at you in mock offense, a smile pulling across his face. Aegon starts on next, equally amused and proud of himself. Joffrey falls into laughter next, followed quickly by Viserys, who seems to want to match his brothers.

“Something amusing?” Jacaerys asks. You keep laughing, striving to catch your breath and call your answer back to him, but it takes another moment. When you look at him, a smile is plastered to his face.

“I’m sorry, Jace, but that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever witness,” you say, fighting off your laughter. He tries to look angry, but his smile returns at the fact you said his name, and he smiles again.

“So,” he calls out, turning to face to his brothers, “What was my fatal mistake?”

“You took your eyes off your opponent,” Aegon says.

“You were staring at Y/N,” Joffrey says, smirking in your direction. Heat spreads over your cheeks, but you don't break his stare.

“I became distracted, yes,” Jace says, “Ideally, when you do face an opponent, there won’t be a beautiful woman there to distract you, but it is important to always stay vigilant.” He puts the younger boys back into position, calling moves for them to display.

You watch for another half an hour or so, admiring the care Jace takes with his brothers; the subtle way he’ll cuff their chins or ruffle their hair after giving them a firm correction. The younger boys catch on quickly and clearly enjoy the extended attention from Jacaerys.

When the younger two leave the field, you plan to do so as well, until Jace calls your name. You meet him again over the balcony, looking down at him. He has gotten sweatier, his curls becoming more unruly. He stripped off his breast plate, leaving him in just his undershirt, which clings to his chest. You think he has done it on purpose, given the delight in his eyes when you can’t take yours off him.

“Care to join us?” he asks, panting slightly.

“What?”

“You said you were a sparring partner for Joff back in the Vale,” he says, a growing smile on his face, “I’d quite like to see what you can do.” You are momentarily speechless, laughing in disbelief.

“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” you say.

“We’ll go easy on you,” he says.

“Is that what you think I’m worried about?” you ask, cocking your head to the right slightly. Jace beams, biting his lip to try and hide the smile.

“No, I think you’re afraid to be close to me right now,” he says, quiet enough that only you can hear. “Given how you have been staring at me all afternoon.”

“You think highly of yourself, Your Highness.”

“Come down,” he says simply. You take in a breath, knowing that you can’t fight him anymore.

“Fine,” you say.

When you step out onto the training grounds, Jace is stunned into silence. He is not sure he has ever seen you in trousers before, and the pair you wear now cling to your thighs, leaving very little to his imagination. The blue tunic you wear over top is fitted as well, cinched at your waist, pushing up your cleavage prominently. Joffrey looks between you and Jace as you walk onto the field and just shakes his head with a laugh.

“Good luck with that,” he says, patting his brother on the back.

“You’re not staying?” Jace asks.

“No, I think I’ll give you some alone time. Besides, Aegon bruised the hell out of my chest,” he says, rubbing the spot. “Think I’ll need a few hours of rest at the very least.” He finishes his sentence with a wink before walking away. He says something to you on his way out.

“I think you scared Joffrey off,” Jace says when you walk up to him.

“He remembers my fighting prowess all too well,” you say with a smirk. Jace extends his hand out to the rack of weapons. He watches your eyes widen on the Valyrian steel swords, the axes, and the mace. You pick up a wooden sword.

“A fine choice.”

“Are you going to make fun of my decisions or spar with me?” you ask, folding your arms across your chest. The aggravated look you give him for some strange reason heats his skin, and he picks up his own wooden sword to give himself something else to look at.

“So,” he says, “How goes the suitor hunt?” He readies himself into a fighting stance, waiting for you to do the same. When you do, you lunge first, a simple move, but executed perfectly. Jace blocks you easily and both of you back up.

“It’s been a lot of work,” you say, quickly moving your sword when he tries to cut into you. Jace smiles, impressed. “You cannot believe how many men Rhaena and Baela have found.”

“No one standing out?” he asks, jumping back slightly when you advance towards him.

“Not for the right reasons,” you say. Jace strikes back against your blade, pushing you back a few steps with a flourish until you nearly fall onto your ass. He grabs your arm before you can, righting you gently.

“Sorry,” he says.

“Don’t be,” you say breathlessly, looking up at him. “That was a good move.”

“Thanks,” he says, a soft grin on his face as he steps back.

“Show me,” you say, “How to do that.”

“I can,” he says, “But I’ll have to get closer to you.” He watches your cheeks heat and is filled with pride.

“This again?” you ask, “I was not watching you.”

“Of course not,” he says. He moves behind you, nearly shaking as his hands straighten your shoulders. He moves his arm around you, holding your own as he moves them into the correct position. He can feel the quiver of your breath, and has to center himself to keep from doing something stupid in front of the rest of the men on the field.

“So, you’ll hold your blade upright like that,” he says, watching in awe as gooseflesh appears across your shoulder at his words, spoken close to your skin. “And when you lunge, you’ll move like this.” He puts a hand on your waist and moves forward with you. You barely move, so shocked are you by his close proximity. When you butcher the move, you laugh, your head thrown back just slightly, so that your hair falls onto Jace’s arm, and he gets an extended view of your neck.

“Sorry,” you say, shaking your head as you right yourself again.

“Don’t be,” he says gently.

“Like this?” you ask, stepping forward, Jace still locked with you. You execute the move perfectly, but Jace has you try it another few times, to keep you close to him for longer. When he knows he can’t stay behind you for any more, he breaks away and watches you complete the move.

“Well done,” he says, trying not to stare at your sweaty brow, the few hairs that cling to it. You are panting, and the rise and fall of your chest does wonders for the already exposed cleavage. He is not sure where he should turn his gaze.

“You are an excellent trainer,” you say.

“You’re my first,” he says. Heat rises to his cheeks, before he corrects himself, “My first pupil, besides my brothers.”

“Right,” you say, returning the wooden sword to the rack. “Well, thank you again. This was a lovely distraction from . . . everything.”

“Anytime,” he says. You turn to leave, but he stops you as he says, “I mean it. Anytime. I know you have your meetings with the suitors, but if you ever need an out, I’m here.”

“Thank you, My Prince,” you say, giving him a kind smile before leaving the field.

The next two weeks, you do take him up on the offer. You find him after a torturous afternoon spent with Lord Musgood, who said very little to you, and instead spent most of his time studying the flowers in the garden. The prince helps you craft a lie to leave him in the gardens, and you end up spending the rest of the day with him instead, creating a list of lies to use when you need to leave a meeting.

On days when you have no meetings, you spend at least one meal with him, recounting the events with the men, what they did to make you laugh, what you knew would make him laugh.

On the third week of your suitor meetings, you are searching for an out that never seems to come. Ser Rowan never gives you a chance to tell a lie, given that he rambles on and on about the livestock in his home. As you pass through the halls of the Red Keep, one you’re sure you’ve passed once before, you are desperate for an escape.

He's left you no choice but to literally escape. As you near the entrance to the very gardens you left Lord Musgood in, you slow your steps. Ser Rowan doesn’t seem to notice. You stop completely, giving him one second to notice your absence, before you slip out into the night air, into the dark, damp of the gardens.

You wait silently by the entrance, waiting for him to turn around and call after you. After a few minutes, you let out a breath and wander deeper into the gardens. A few aisles down, you hear a crack of a twig. You expect it to be a gardener, or perhaps Ser Rowan, but when you turn around, Jace is there instead.

His sudden appearance startles you. You put a hand to your chest, to soothe the pounding heart underneath. He stops underneath an archway, a few feet from you.

“Your Highness,” you say in a breath.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was out here. I didn’t mean to startle you.” You nod your head, letting out a deep breath. “What are you doing out here? I thought you were spending time with Ser Rowan.”

“Unfortunately, I was,” you say with a frown, stepping closer to him. Jace bites back a smile, studying your face.

“What happened?” he asks.

“I now know about the mating habits of cattle at his home,” you say, relaxing when he laughs. “There is one cow in particular, bit of a harlot,” you say.

“The scandal,” Jace says, leaning against the archway. “How did you get away from him? Did you use the story we used on Ser Dayne or did you fake an illness like we did with Ser Rosby?”

“Neither, actually,” you say, leaning up against the opposite end of the arch. “I couldn’t get a word in, so I just ran when I had the chance.” This sends Jacaerys into a new wave of laughter, snorting at your folly.

“So, this one isn’t a keeper either,” he says gently.

“No.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, but you’re sure he doesn’t mean it.

“So am I,” you say, “I’m starting to run out of options, and with my history of abandoning these men, I won’t even be able to settle for the boring ones, either.”

“If only you didn’t have to settle,” he says. For once, he isn’t looking at you.

“A luxury I, unfortunately, don’t have,” you say.

“But if you—"

“Y/N?”

Jace quiets as Ser Rowan enters the gardens, calling out your name. You look to him with wide, panicked eyes. Quickly, he grabs your hand and pulls you into the maze-like gardens. The lord calls out again, clearly hearing your footsteps. Jace pulls you into an alcove, surrounded by shrubbery, with a fountain at its center. Pressed into a corner, you both wait with shallow breath to see if the lord follows.

After a few minutes, he grumbles to himself and enters the castle proper. When he is out of sight, you both let out a gasp of relief. The movement brings Jace’s chest to your back, and you suddenly realize how close you are standing. Your body is sheltered by his arms, fitted perfectly against his.

You make to move away, but Jace stops you with a hand around your wrist.

“What are—”

“You’ve got something.” His other hand reaches into your hair delicately and extracts a twig that had gotten caught from the shrubbery.

“Thank you,” you say, stepping back quickly. He watches you move away with a strange expression on his face.

“He does seem the sort to ramble on about cattle,” he says, making you laugh. It releases a tension in you, and you can see Jace notice the change.

“Now you see why I ran,” you say with a smile. You walk over to the fountain, your fingers trailing through the cool water. “You’re lucky to have Baela,” you say. Jace doesn’t say anything, but follows you, looking at your reflection in the fountain. “She is lovely.”

“She is.”

“The sort who wouldn’t wax on about cattle,” you say, chancing a look up at him. He smiles, but it’s not the same. It seems to be working hard to mask the sadness that is really on his face.

“I have never known her to, no,” he says.

“It must be a relief, that you know your future spouse so well. No surprises.”

“It can be difficult, too,” he says, looking into the water. “I have known Baela all my life, and while she is lovely, we don’t necessarily have a love match.”

“Does anyone?” you ask with a laugh.

“I’d like to think so,” he says, turning to meet your eyes. You can see that he is serious.

“Sadly, I don’t think people get to marry the ones they love too often,” you say. “Politics always seems to get in the way.”

“It’s something I’d like to change when I become king,” he says boldly. You raise an eyebrow at him, before pacing around the fountain, your fingers running along the wet grout pattern.

“You’ll be married to Baela by then,” you say, “Your mother will live a long life as our queen, and by the time you get to the throne, you and Baela will have five sons already.” He doesn’t say anything, his jaw clenched tight, and you realize how inappropriate what you just said was, how inappropriate you’ve been with him all night. “I’m sorry,” you say quickly, “I’m not sure what’s gotten into me today.”

“Y/N,” he says, stopping you when you circle back to him, his hand on your forearm. The motion draws your face up to his. “Where will you be?”

“What?”

“When I am king, with five sons by Baela, where will you be?” he asks.

“I suppose married as well,” you say, your voice suddenly weak. At his proximity, you are once again nearly speechless, your heart thudding.

“With five sons?” he asks.

“If the gods see fit to bless me with them,” you say, glancing down at the hand still wrapped around you. Jace drops his hand, looking down at his own.

“And who is this husband?” he asks.

“I haven’t a clue,” you say, sitting along the edge of the fountain, “You’ve seen my candidates.”

“No love matches there,” he says.

“No.”

“But there must be some contenders? Someone who made you feel something,” he says, looking at you. The conversation has taken a turn somewhere it can’t go, and you sigh.

“Jace,” you say. He moves closer to you, his eyes searching your face frantically as he shortens the minimal gap between the two of you. A gentle, calloused hand cups your cheek and makes you look him in the eye.

“There’s no one who makes you feel anything?” he asks again.

“None of the suitors,” you whisper. He is moving closer, and you both want to stop him and want him to close the space between you. But when you feel his breath on your lip, you turn away, taking in a shaky breath. You stand and put a few paces between the pair of you.

“I’m sorry, I—”

“How are you able to fight your feelings?” he asks quietly, a tortured expression on his face. He runs a hand through his hair anxiously, leaving his curls strewn haphazardly. “I know you feel the same.”

“Jace,” you say with a sigh.

“How?”

“I keep those longings locked away,” you say, hating that you’re admitting to him these feelings.

“Why?”

“Because following them can lead nowhere good,” you say, forcing yourself to meet his gaze. He moves in closer, his hand on your waist, keeping your chest pressed to his.

“This doesn’t feel good?” he asks with a shake of his head. You put a hand to his strong chest, pushing off gently.

“That’s not what I mean,” you say. “You are a prince, Jace, and you are betrothed. Letting these feelings out . . . it won't end well."

“So, you’ll just live without ever knowing?” he asks. “Without knowing what it’s like to kiss me, to be held by—”

“Yes,” you say, cutting him off, “Yes. If they stay thoughts, they cannot hurt me. We’ve already done it all in my mind, and that is enough. It has to be,” you say.

“You deserve so much better than those third-born sons,” he says.

“I don’t,” you say.

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t, Jace. I deserve exactly these men. They aren’t asking for a dowry, for land, or a title. They are asking for a wife. That is the only thing I have to offer them.”

“You have so much more—”

“Stop, please,” you say quietly. He moves closer, just a step, and draws your eyes to him. He is so beautiful, the pale moonlight lighting his features, spotlighting the pain in his eyes. He has been nothing but kind to you, and you hate that you are causing him pain.

“It’s best if we pretend these feelings don’t exist,” you say, nodding up at him, waiting for him to agree.

“If that’s what you want,” he says quietly.

“It’s what I need,” you say. “It’s a vow we both need to uphold, somehow.”

“Alright,” he says, his face falling. “We’ll pretend.”

“Okay.”

“You should probably get back to your quarters,” he says, moving away from you with a sniff. “Before he comes looking again.”

“Right,” you say, straightening. “Thank you, again, Your Highness.” He frowns at the title, but nods.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

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