#taking care of twin infants has been the worst experience of my life

[multishipper-baby]

I wanted to do a cheating storyline in my sims but my sim got rejected so... I guess at least his marriage isn't ruined?

[annaphoenix1994]

Ch.114 - Mending the Trust

Previous Chapter - Masterlist 1; Masterlist 2 - Next Chapter

Kiera confronts Simon about his lie.

Angered, Kiera returned to the ranch with that familiar, yet terrifying gleam in her eye. Sitting outside their home in the driveway, she then became more infuriated at the fact that nobody was there with Baler being at school, Simon being at work with the twins, and Eva being at her weekly brunch date with her friends. Ain't life just good? She scoffed to herself, putting the car in reverse before heading to the station to see Simon for herself after learning the information received from Laswell. How many secrets is my own husband keeping from me? 

Once parked at the police station, she scoffed to herself as she saw Simon's car sitting in the parking lot. Expecting the worst due to her past experiences, she expected him to be leant up against his own car with a younger and far more beautiful woman who had nothing tying her down... No kids, working a part-time job, and looking for a nice military man to take care of her needs. I bet he will by the time I'm done. Leaving her purse in the car, she walked into the station and through the metal detector before walking to the front desk. "Good afternoon, ma'am. Who are you here to see?" 

"Lieutenant Riley." 

The younger woman looked back towards his office that was the last door of the corridor. "Um... Did you have an appointment?" 

Kiera arched her brow and scoffed, "So his own wife needs an appointment to see him? Especially when he has our children?" 

"Oh- Ma'am, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that he was in a meeting a half hour ago. I-I'll call him." 

She rolled her eyes out of impatience and proceeded to walk down the hallway, gently opening the door to see him sitting at his desk - fully dressed in his uniform and tactical vest set aside, his elbow on the desk while his other hand gripped the armrest of the chair while three other chairs sat across from him: two men and a woman. 

Slowly, Simon's eyes moved towards the door to acknowledge the unannounced visitor, aggravation in his eyes before he realized it was Kiera, his gaze softening at the sight of his wife, a brief smirk splaying on his face. 

"Then I figured we could-" The older man stopped mid-sentence. "Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Riley." 

She flashed a weak smile, "Where's my children?" 

Oh, fuck, she's going to be mad... Simon sighed to himself, immediately regretting his decision to leave the infants sleeping in the bassinets that were in the holding room across the hall - only doing so to keep them asleep during his meeting as they had been restless the entire morning without their mother. 

And to make matters worse, the only person that offered to watch them while in his meeting was the flattering 29-year-old corrections officer who offered to watch the babies during her lunch break. 

Of course, this was only the number of times Simon had ever seen her. He had no physical attraction towards her, but she certainly did. What woman wouldn't? A tall, handsome former military man who prioritized his children over anything thrown his way was definitely in every woman's fantasy one way or the other. 

"Across the hall, love. I finally got them to sleep before my meeting started." 

She nodded before exiting the room, knocking once on the door across the hall before she was greeted by the brunette holding her son comfortably in her arms. "Can I help you?" She asked sweetly. 

Kiera's heart sank into her chest as well as anger spiking through her mind. Who was this woman caring and nurturing her son? How many times had she done this already when Simon had brought the babies to work with him when Kiera would have a doctor's appointment or attend a work meeting? "Just checking on my children since they're not in their father's office with him." She scoffed. 

"O-Oh, I'm sorry. Simon never mentioned he had a wife..." 

"Is that right?" 

"I mean, it's never been brought up, but I assumed he did by suddenly coming back with a ring on his finger," She breathed a giggle. "They're sleeping so well. They were causing him trouble this morning." 

"Uh huh. How many times have you watched them while he's working in the office?" 

"Quite a few, I suppose. He'll have them for almost the whole day until he has a meeting, then he'll call me and ask if I can watch them for about an hour or so. It's not throughout his entire shift. He just doesn't want them to be bothered while he has his meetings because of the radios going off and the Chief talks really loud." 

Well, that's somewhat reassuring, I guess... 

Just as Kiera was going to reply, the door to Simon's office opened, revealing the three individuals that she had seen before, walking a single file line back down the corridor, except his Chief stayed behind for a few moments, "Well, Riley, I'll leave ya to it. Your wife looks like she's eager to speak with you," He teased with a warm smile and the same mustache her father had, immediately pinching her heart at the thought. "Now Kiera, please don't break anything! He's got a new lamp on his desk, and it was a lot of money!" He poked. 

"Oh, I don't plan on breaking anything." She forced a laugh before he softly shut the door behind him. 

Simon knew that look in her eye and as happy as he was to see her, he knew it wasn't going to be the warm welcome he was expecting. He watched as she took a seat in front of his desk, noting the familiar, yet scary gleam she had in her eye. Busted...

"How'd it go with Laswell?" He asked, watching her cross her legs and cupping her knee with her hands, the diamond on her left hand sparkling with the impaling sunlight beaming through the blinds. 

"Oh, you know, the usual," She replied sarcastically. She knows something. Especially when I feel like I'm the one being interrogated... Simon gulped to himself, forcing himself to keep his composure. "I just have one question for you, Lieutenant." 

Fucking hell, here it comes... "Hm?" 

"How long were you expecting to hide this from me?" 

"Hide what?" 

"Okay, here's another question: how stupid do you think I am?" She scoffed. 

He huffed, "I don't think you're stupid, love." 

"So how long did you think you were going to keep this secret of yours from me?" 

"What secret?" 

"Does September 21st of this year ring a fucking bell?" She scoffed, watching him break eye contact with her. "Oh, and on top of that, I found out Makarov is in some prison but still running a group of PMC's to invade Urzikstan-"

"Konni Group." He answered lowly.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure you already fucking knew that," She scoffed. "Just like you knew Graves was still alive and teaming up with Alex and Farah in Urzikstan?" 

"Graves is alive?" He questioned, his tone holding no sense of surprise nor dread, Kiera instantly knowing that he had known all along and chose not to tell her. 

"I'm not here to play games," She scoffed, standing up to walk towards the door before Simon stood up to stop her, putting himself between the door and her to prevent her from leaving. "Move." 

"Love, stop," He sighed, gently holding her shoulders. "I'm not playing games with you-" He tried to reassure her with a soft tone to his voice. 

"Should've told me that before you started gaslighting me. But wait, you've had quite a track record with not telling me things that're important, haven't you? From reinstating your status in the S.A.S a month before our wedding, to not telling me Graves was alive after I was sure that fucker was dead when you were the one who said you didn't feel a pulse after the fact, and not telling me that you have some woman in the room across the hall with our children asking her to watch them when you're in your apparent meetings. I'm not doing this." 

"Kiera-"

"Move." She stated again, hating that she had to talk to her own husband this way just to get her point across. 

"Love, listen to me. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. You already have so much to worry about and the last thing I wanted to do was add on to that when I could have it taken care of myself-"

"Oh, now you're sorry? You didn't think to come clean when you looked me dead in my eyes while we were on our fucking honeymoon stuffing our faces with cheesecake and popcorn in Las Vegas when I deliberately asked you if you'd go back and you told me that you wouldn't because you had 'priorities'?" 

He sighed, looking down at the floor after not being able to handle the pain in her eyes at the fact that he did lie to her, but he felt he was doing her a favor by keeping that worry out of her mind. "I'm sorry." 

"If you were sorry, you wouldn't have lied to me in the first place," She scoffed. "I've said what was on my mind. Now move. I'm getting my children and going home." 

"No, you didn't," He shook his head. "You didn't say what was on your mind." 

"Oh, so you want me to really hurt your feelings today if I were to say what was on my mind?" She arched her brow. 

"Yeah, I do. I can take it." 

"I'm not sure about that. By the time I'm done saying what's on my mind, you'll want a divorce and you'll hit up that pretty young brunette over there taking care of our children when you don't feel like watching them-"

"Stop," He warned, his voice heaving a threatening tone. "That'll never happen. I'm sorry I kept this from you, love. I did it because I didn't want to worry you even more, especially after all of the shite we've been through already-"

"So even then how would you have told me you reinstated your status, huh? When it was time for you to fucking deploy so you could use that time apart to your advantage and not have to worry about arguing about it when you got back?" 

"I was going to tell you, Kiera. It just wasn't the time to-"

"I bet Soap already told Teeter." 

"He hasn't." 

"Well, ain't that going to be fun? What's next? Are you going to tell me that you really didn't kill Shepherd and he's out galivanting with Graves in the middle east?" 

"I did kill him, Kiera," He spoke lowly. "I can promise you that." 

"You know, it's a damn shame I have to find out things like this from a former supervisor and not my own husband," She scoffed, shaking her head to fight back tears of what felt like betrayal. "You should've told me the truth when I asked you that night. I was looking for reassurance, Simon, and you still lied to me." 

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to ruin our honeymoon by telling you that-"

"So you left it to Laswell to call me when things are about to go to shit?" 

"No, I had no idea Laswell was going to even call you. We're not even expected to deploy. I just reinstated for good measure just in case." 

"You should fucking know that if it has to do with Makarov, there's no 'just in case.' You can mark my words that you will end up deploying. Especially when Price finds out that Konni is invading Urzikstan and Farah and Alex are on the frontline with Graves. What're you going to tell our kids when they're asking where their daddy is going, huh? What're you going to tell Baler - who looks up to you, by the way - that you're leaving for God only knows how long while, and just in case I need to remind you since you've had a hard time remembering lately, that we've been trying to have another baby. You'd rather risk leaving all of that behind for some fucker that's trying to invade a country that we don't even have anything to do with?-"

"He's trying to start another World War, Kiera, bloody fucking hell!" Simon retorted, aggravated at the fact that she was right but also felt like she was insulting his decision. "I'm doing it to protect you and our kids! Do you really want to be having to wake up every morning to the possibility of having to wear a gas mask before you even go outside because of radiation? Having to worry about your state being nuked? Have you even thought about that?" 

"I'm well aware," She rolled her eyes. "And what do you think is going to happen when our children have the risk of growing up without a father? Having to ask where their dad is while I'm possibly pregnant with our third?" 

"Kiera, with all due respect - it's not about you-" Oh, fuck. I didn't mean it like that! 

A harsh moment of silence fell between them, "I guess it's not." She frowned, moving around him to open the door to his office. 

"Where are you going?" 

"Home, Simon. I'm taking the kids with me." 

"No, I'll bring them home when I leave in an hour." 

She arched her brow with that same scary gaze, "Then I suggest you get them out of the hands of another woman and watch them like you promised me, or is that a hard thing to keep too?" 

[kittydemon9000]

I wrote a thing for @anxiousworm‘s Spirit Kai au which has been living rent free in my brain for the last however long so ENJOY

In all his years of living, his first memories were both the worst and best of his life.

Granted, he was pretty sure they weren’t actually his first. He always had a vague sense he was missing something, something that came before, but alas.

He remembered standing before a rundown home, something inside pulling him like a tether.

He remembered passing through the door and the overwhelming smell of alcohol and empty bottles that littered the entire room.

He remembered following the tether to a small closet in the back of the house.

He remembered the soft sniffles.

He remembered the burning rage that filled his soul.

But it was nothing compared to when he opened the door.

Curled up in a tight ball was a young child, if he had to guess she was maybe three or four years old.

She looked at him with tear streaked cheeks and water eyes and mumbled a simple question.

“Who are you?”

“I….I don’t know.”

Her name was Nya, and she was the first of many children.

He remembered pulling her into a hug, only for her to disappear.

But he didn’t panic. Something about it felt….right.

He remembered the heat of the fires as they consumed the house.

He remembered the look of pure happiness when he visited Nya in Home, a place where no one but him and those he brought could go. A place where he could raise his Children in peace and happiness.

He remembered the first time she called him Brother, saying that he reminded her a lot of her real older brother, someone by the name of Kai

He was never able to find Kai, much to both of their disappointment.

So yes. They were his worst memories, but also his best.

And after Nya, there were hundreds more children, and he remembered every single one.

Most, he brought back Home, so he could raise them along with the others, but some he gave to new families.

A particular case that stood out to him was an infant. The father was always busy and didn’t care for him, oftentimes going weeks without even being in the same room.

He didn’t know how he knew these things, he just did.

Luckily, he’d found the infant a new home, in a scrapyard belonging to a lovely couple who’d sadly been unsuccessful in having a child of their own. Every once in a while he would check in on them, and they were doing a fantastic job.

Another case was a boy he’d found wandering the snow, lost and confused. He couldn’t explain what it was, but despite the child’s older exterior, he was still young. Very young with much of the world left to experience.

He’d brought him Home, but the boy only stayed a short while, claiming he wished to find his place in the world, and who was he to deny his request.

Then, a few months later, another child, this one running away from a special school. He always hated those places. What was the point of having a child if you were going to send them away to be raised by someone else?

But, alas, there wasn’t much he could do for him. He also brought him to Home, but he too wanted to go out.

Then…..there was Lloyd. Poor, sweet, not-too innocent Lloyd.

He had found him wandering the island, causing mischief as he went. But deep down, he knew Lloyd was never bad, simply misguided. Built up to be this great son of the dark lord, when really he was just a young boy who needed guidance.

He had at first hated Home, wanting to go back to Ninjago, but after a few days and some coaxing from the other children, he loved it. He realized there was no expectations for him there or a need to compete for attention. All of it was freely given.

He would never admit it allowed, but Lloyd became one of his favorites, right alongside Nya.

But beyond the troubles, life was good. His Children were happy, safe and learning from the security of Home.

But then there was the Great Serpent. The first of many tragedies.

So many children were lost, so many more lost their families, and even more were traumatized. Like the young Harumi, who had yet to speak a word since he retrieved her.

Then, there was the Stone Army, impenetrable soldiers who wouldn’t hesitate to kill the children they found.

He saved even less that time. He remembered being so terrified, thinking he’d failed, but actually they had been saved by The Protectors, but more on them later.

Then….there was the Golden Spirit.

The Golden Spirit was a creature of destruction and death and suffering. It’s aura was wicked and dark and threatened to consume him completely. It probably would have…..if it weren’t for the White Protector.

And oh the agony he felt when he was killed. He was tethered to every one of his Children, and losing one was already an unbearable pain. But, the force of his tether snapping was more painful than any time before it. Like he was truly being erased from existence.

Luckily he was returned soon, though the scars remained.

Which led him to now, standing before his Children.

“Who are you?” Cole demanded. “And why are you stealing kids?”

But he just smiled. “It is good to see you again, my Children. I hope life has been kind.”

Jay sputtered. “What are you saying?!? And why are you calling us your kids?”

But he just smiled. But of course, his Children were just confused. They’d been fighting for so long, never having a rest. He wanted to give that to them.

“You have been fighting for so long, it is time for you to rest.”

They went in guard. The leader stepped forward.

“We don’t want a fight. Just tell us why you’re taking children and we’ll go.”

“I do not take the Children. I am rescuing them.” He started. “I help them escape from families who do not love them, I give them places to stay when they don’t have any families at all, I show them the love they deserve.” He paused, looking them all over. “Just like I did for all of you.”

They all froze. “What are you talking about?” Zane asked.

It always hurt when he had to alter their memories of Home, but it was for the safety of all. However, he always kept the fun.

“Jay.” He said. “You were too young to remember, but when you were an infant and I delivered you to your parents, I did not leave you alone.” Jay looked perplexed, so he continued. “You recall the blue stuffed creature that you’ve had since you were young? What did you name it….Mr…..Mr….”

“Mr.Cuddlywhump!” Jay exclaimed. “I still have him!”

“Jay!” Cole hissed, but he was already beaming.

His Child loved his gift. He loved it enough to keep it well into his older years, something many didn’t do. I warmed his heart.

“And Cole.” he turned to him. “When you ran away, I was the one to get you somewhere safe.”

Cole glared. “No you didn’t, it was…...was…..” he trailed off, clearly struggling to remember.

“I had to erase your memories, in order to keep the others safe. You didn’t want to remain at Home, so I took you somewhere safe.”

He turned to the last of his Children.

“And Zane. I found you wandering the icy woods, lost and afraid. I brought you Home, then let you back into the word. Surely you recall a handful of years you cannot properly remember, yes?”

The silence coming from him was telling.

“Why did you let us go?” He finally asked. He felt his smile fall slightly.

“I do not mean to keep my Children captive. They all stay there by their own will. Once they are old enough, or if I find them a family, I let them back into the world. But, every child I have taken in, every single one, I watch over. And the second they need me again, I’m right back there.”

His smile fell away completely. “But I….I failed you. All of you. You were placed in danger time and time again because of my decisions. And in the end….” he looked to Zane. “it cost you your life. But not longer.” His cloak has started flaring up and a few of his fire lights started glowing brighter, but he quickly calmed himself. He didn’t want to scare his Children anymore than he already had.

“But that is why I’m here now. To take you back Home, where you’ll be safe once again.”

“Wait a minute, hold on, we can’t just leave!” Jay exclaimed. “Ninjago needs us to protect them!”

Oh boy, he thought this might happen. His Children were quite stubborn, it seemed.

He waved his hand. “The police can handle it. It is, after all, what they are supposed to do. You are children. Your job is to grow and learn, not protect an entire world.”

They started protesting, but he wasn’t having it.

“Hush now, you will be safe.”

He spread his cloak and carefully let it descend upon the and then….

They were gone. Disappeared and sent to the safety of Home, with all the others.

Hopefully they would get along with the other Children. They were definitely on the older end, but not completely out of possibility.

Nya, now quite far into her older years, would probably show them around. She was the only adult currently allowed in Home, but that may change someday. He never could bring himself to let her go, and it’s not like she wanted to leave either.

He looked to the moon, cursing at how late it had gotten. He still needed to check on a few of his Children living nearby, as well as check on the twins that lived nearby. He had a sneaking suspicion something was going on there.

Life for the Flaming Spirit, as the locals called him, was never over and never dull, and he couldn’t be happier.

[theisaacking]

Is that (THE) ISAAC KING? Wow, they do look a lot like ANSEL ELGORT. I hear HE is a SEVENTEEN year old SENIOR who originally attended LUXOR Academy. Word is they are a REGULAR student. You should watch out because they can be PRETENTIOUS and LOUD, but on the bright side they can also be ENERGETIC and CREATIVE. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. [PEANUT, 24, EST, HE/HIM]

Hey everyone! I’m Dustin, but you can call me Peanut! Some of you might know me, but I think most of you don’t! I’m very excited to be back here at Luxor after taking a few months off from the rping community to recharge my batteries and refresh myself creatively. All of my former runs in the rp have been pretty short, but I think that this time is going to be the one that sticks.

But enough about all that! Allow me introduce you to The Greatest King since Elvis Himself:

- Isaac’s been an actor since he was in diapers. He and his brother Jackson started by appearing in baby commercials and televisions roles when they were infants, and Isaac has been a part of the biz ever since then.

- When they were 8 years old, he and Jackson were signed on by Disney to star in a Disney Channel series called Brady’s Brainwaves; a show about a young genius whose inventions constantly get him and his more street smart twin brother into trouble (Kinda like a live action Jimmy Neutron, meets the Suite Life ) but while the show was in the pre-production stage, Jackson decided to step away from show business, wanting instead to focus on the other things he was interested in. Disney decided to continue with Brady’s Brainwaves anyways, and the show was rewritten to center around just Isaac, with Jackson’s role being filled by a best friend character, rather than the brother of Brady. The show went on to be hugely popular (Think like, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody or Hannah Montana type of of popularity) and Isaac won the Kid’s Choice Award for Favorite Male Star in a television series three years in a row.

- At first, Isaac couldn’t help but get caught up in the glamour of being a TV star; it was hard not to when girls screamed your name everywhere you went, and you got to get paid for doing something you genuinely loved doing. For awhile, he thought the trade off of all the downsides might have even been worth it, but when Disney proved to be a nightmare to work for, pushing him hard and micromanaging every detail of everything he did, and he started to realize that the paparazzi following him everywhere meant that he never had any privacy, it didn’t take too too long before the glamour started to wear off, and he grew to resent his fame, and his passion for acting was starting to wane. What was probably the worst thing about it though, was his parents, who were too enamored with the money he was making them, and encouraged him to stick with it, no matter how much he hated it and wanted to take a break from the spotlight.

- Finally, after six years, Isaac had had enough. When his contract with Disney expired, he refused to renew it, much to the chagrin of his parents. He did not back down or give in to Disney, even when it was strongly insinuated that they would make sure his career faltered if he refused to sign with them again; he still loved acting, but by that point, he was prepared to never act again if it meant not having to work for Disney anymore, because the alternative of staying would surely kill his passion for it completely anyway.

- Those threats proved to be pretty empty though, because Isaac got all kinds of offers from big studios and big budget films to be the star, but his experiences had caused him to have a severe disdain and mistrust for the Hollywood machine. He turned down all major film and television offers, and instead accepted an offer to be in a off broadway stage production, which he ended up thoroughly enjoying. After that, he decided to focus on the stage, where he hoped to hone the craft of acting in it’s purest form. Stage work has been his primary focus ever since. He did eventually return to doing some acting on camera again as well, but only in independent films, and only in roles that he felt showcased his talent and range as an actor.

- After leaving Disney, Isaac also left his parent’s house at 14 years old. He blames them for the misery that he had to endure while working for Disney, and resents them for caring more about money than their own children. He went to live with his grandparents, and pays his parents five hundred thousand dollars a year to just leave him alone.

- When he was a Freshman, he decided to enroll himself and his brother Jackson at Luxor. He felt it was a good place to go to get away from the ever watchful eye of the paparazzi, and just live his own life. A lot of people still recognized him here, but in a school filled with the children of the rich, powerful and even famous, it wasn’t the biggest deal for him to be there. Plus, here, he and Jackson could be together, and free of their parents.

- In terms of personality, Isaac appears like he’s this huge goofball. He's always putting on a show for everyone around him, and seemingly loves to entertain. And while that’s certainly true to some extent, a lot of this is a facade/persona that he's developed throughout his life of living in the spotlight, always being expected to do something interesting and fun at all times, and he's just never really been able to shake that. He lives with a very real fear that if he isn't that way all the time, and he actually lets people see the person beneath the persona, then people will think he's boring, or be disappointed by the other parts of him that aren’t as exciting. As a result of this, very few people really know the genuine Isaac King, which leaves him feeling pretty isolated a lot of the time. He loves his brother Jackson more than anything else in this world, and despite only being a few hours older, he is fiercely protective of his twin, though unfortunately, the pair are not on the best terms at the moment, which has certainly been hard on Isaac.

- Isaac is just now returning from the filming of a massive World War 2 Epic in England; his most high profile work by far since the Disney days. He’s been away from Luxor since the end of Christmas Break for filming. 

Class List:

1) Creative Writing

2) Theatre

3) Musical Theatre

4) Latin (I told you he’s pretentious)

5) Philosophy

6) Weight Lifting 

7) Shakespearean Studies

Extracurriculars:

Stage Director of Theatre

Fencing

[halfofxerxes]

Magelight had such a gentle glow to it, the washed out hues softening the edges of the world. The pair of infants he was bringing to his fathers were glad for the attention he was giving them. Such happy babies.

Alphonse doesn't know if he could part with them, but he can't imagine how he could stay with them either. Van… Sil… They'll know what to do, he's sure of it. He wants his dad more now than ever, and the calm reliable Mer as well.

He knows if he could just focus he'd be able to contact Sil and have the mage take him home to them, but that's the issue isn't it? Having to be able to set aside his notions and think of Sil as divinity rather than a friend.

If only he hadn't been so careless, he'd still have that magical communicator. For all his bravo and experience, to end up in a situation like this?

"Are you still holding out hope that someone will save you, Alphonse?"

The words, whispered in a too familiar tone of voice, cause his chest to tighten in fear. He extinguishes the magelight, already knowing what will come next if he doesn't.

He has a long way to go when sunfall comes tonight, and he can't have any delays. The babes hate the dark, their thin wailing echoing off the cave walls, despite his best attempts to sooth them. He hates this just as much as they do, and he knows they're going to be better off in the arms of his father. Without a coward who can't look at their faces.

Soon his words pass from him, and he can do nothing more than rock the children in his grasp, before that too fades, leaving him stranded back in an old, dead world.

"That's the thing about insects." He remembers saying, "Once you wipe them out, everything dies. You should have seen this coming."

The Homunculus had scoffed at him then, before coming to sit down by him. For all his aloof and controlling attitude, Alphonse knew that he wanted company. Misery, that's the name he had taken to calling him. All the other homunculi had names based on sins and vices, why not the father?

"Do you really believe you're above this?" Misery had asked, "You're stuck here on this planet just as much as I, except I shall find a way off, and out into those stars."

Alphonse turned his head, looking out into the glittering expanse that Misery indicates. They often sat here, in the ruins of the center of Amestris, the place where Misery had triumphed. It had rotted, long since overtaken by plants and forest, only to fade out and die as Misery consumed more and more of the life around him.

He supposes he'll have to be content to watch the lights blink out one by one as Misery continued to find solace for his grief. Van Hohenheim hasn't come back for either of them, though as long as Alphonse kept his head, he still believed his father would. It was the only thing left after all.

"Decay is preposterous." Misery said, upset that he didn't get a response. "I was foolish, I should have tried harder to keep things as they were. You were so much more fun when I had you running mazes."

Mazes built of rotting corpses, puppeteered by the reach of the Homunculus… dancing, dancing, dancing themselves to dust, their flesh dripping off their bones. A celebration to their new God, writhing like worms.

"You got bored." Alphonse reminded him, "I warned you it would happen."

"You could at least have given me a speech about how I would never break your spirit or enslave you." Misery liked going on about this, this was a conversation they had many times, though Alphonse never replied. "Your brother would have done it, and I could have spent millennia proving him wrong."

"My father was a slave." He had said, finally breaking his silence on the topic, looking down at the ground, "There's no shame it, by its nature it's not something you can control. The only embarrassment I feel is that I cannot slit your throat while you sleep and expect you to die."

"And what? Leave yourself alone with no one to turn to or talk to?" Misery spits at him, though Alphonse doesn't flinch.

"I've never been alone." He says quietly, "Not truly. The skill of language and how to use it is the only thing keeping me here, but you gave me all the company I need."

"Yes, he does keep you company in your nightmares, doesn't he." Misery snaps spitefully, pulling on Alphonse's hair.

.

It takes him a long moment to recognise the pull as his magical alert for sundown, rather than that ancient foe. He was lucky, that wasn't a bad episode. Somehow, he's sure of it, but the Homunculus has somehow been attacking him-- how else… why else would--

"No, focus." He whispers to himself, shaking himself awake fully as he feels around in the dark to get the babies ready for journey, "C'mon Alphonse, don't think about it."

He could make it home tonight as long as he could get going now. Having to stop every two hours to feed and change the infants was inevitable, they were helpless after all. The light of the moons was gentle, and Alphonse was glad for it. He knows the children are glad for it as well, their fussing fading as he emerges from the cave.

It's better this way, though he misses the face of the sun. Traveling at night was better. For many reasons. No sunburns, not having to stop and cool down… not having to look at the color of their eyes.

The edge of the woods is a familiar sight, one he's grateful beyond words for. It's been too long. Instead of pressing inward, he waits. Worldy had been assigned breakfast duty a long time ago, and often would be out sniffing for mushrooms around dawn. The old nix-hound delighted in being the first one find him, and it would be…. Better… if the babes were brought back with the hound, rather than with Alphonse.

Finding a log full of edible fungus, Alphonse sits down and waits, preparing a basket that the hound could hold onto while it ran home. Sure enough, as soon as early morning began to break, the nix comes out from between the trees, chattering softly to itself. On seeing Alphonse, it leaps into the air, intending to crash into him, loudly welcoming him back.

Alphonse quickly sushes it, the nix sliding to a confused stop. He shows it the contents of the basket, the two tiny bundles, and in recognition, Worldy lowers its voice. Sniffing at the basket for a moment, it allows Alphonse to attach it to him, before pointedly looking at the mushrooms.

"Of course, it's only fair." Alphonse says, "I'll bring back enough, I promise. Go take that to Dad."

Worldy nibbles on him in affirmation, before setting off slowly, careful not to jolt its burden. Alphonse knows the creature is as likely to bring it to Sil as much as to present it to Van, but it hardly mattered. He only wished to delay the inevitable conversation.

Best yet, perhaps there need not be a conversation. The assumption might be made that Worldy had brought home abandoned children, and that would be it. It wasn't going to happen, but he wishes it could.

The kitchen is empty when he comes inside, setting down his load of mushrooms and sets to preparing breakfast. His father, just a bit more gray haired today than the last time they saw each other, slips in beside him to help after a few solitary moments. Sil, then, must be watching the new arrivals.

… His father has already seen them.

Al knows Van is waiting for him to speak first. The way that the old man's fingers linger on his every time Al hands him something is reassurance, and a question. Sometimes Al wishes his father would be the type to sit him down and badger him just so he could be over with it.

"Just got back from Morrowind." Alphonse says finally, turning to face the stove to set the fire. "Strange place, that."

"Sil was talking about how someone dropped their orb, he was sure it was Timmy. Apparently it, and his destruction of it has been used as a miracle story and it's been converting people to worship him again." Van says, leaving off the obvious question of 'what the actual fuck were you doing there?'

"...Confiscated… actually. Slavers, though I dismantled that operation." Which could mean any thing from him destroying ships or killing people, and he's not going to comment on which one it was. "By that time, I was already there, so I decided to take a look around."

"Did a little more than just looking." Van replies quietly, "Dunmer twins don't just show up in the woods."

Alphonse doesn't say anything to that, lowering his head for a few seconds, before standing up. He knows his father isn't judging him, but it still feels like he's failed. All he's done in his life is fail when it's important that he doesn't.

"They look like Edward." Al says finally. "I can't look at them without seeing him."

It's the closest he's ever gotten to speaking about what happened to his brother, after Van was sent away. He feels foolish for it, arms coming to cross over his chest. After a moment, his father's arms are around him as well, pulling him into a hug.

Whatever happens, he can't tell Dad about that. Van already blames himself for so much of the Dwarf's actions, he can't lay that at his feet. Not when Alphonse had no assurance it would release any of the burden he felt.

"If you're okay with having us take care of them, you know we will." Van tells him, giving him a reassuring squeeze. "It makes me sad that you feel like you must."

He sniffles slightly, attempting to hold back the emotions in an attempt to stay on his feet. The worst thing was how easily his body could succumb to despair, even if he was grateful to display it in tears.

"I suppose I expected time to soften it." Alphonse admits, "But it just makes it hurt all the more the longer I don't think of it, and it returns."

"You need to let yourself grieve." His father says, voice so soft Alphonse mistakes it for his own thoughts, "And part of that is talking about the things you're hurting over."

"I… can't." His father may be right, but the potential for damage outweighed the good. "I'm sorry Dad. If you knew, you'd understand why."

"I'm sure I would."

Van's acceptance of it doesn't make him feel better. After a moment, Alphonse moves away from his dad, turning back to breakfast. His fingers fumble around the shape of an egg, sending it to the floor. His father catches it before it breaks, returning it to him.

Where was this man before he and Edward attempted to bring Mom back? Where was he when she died? Why did he leave him for so long in the grip of that disgusting beast?

"The Homunculus kept Brother's body fresh for… I don't know how long. Too long." Alphonse says, egg broken in his grip. "His skin never looked right, to make it move the Dwarf had to put part of himself in it."

Grayish blue, talking and laughing at him with golden eyes that didn't see. Making him fight, not allowing him to win.

"...For all my knowledge of alchemy, everything I learned, the only thing that ended it was time…"

Purification, starting, ironically, at the joints and sockets of the automail implants. Then the stab wound Edward had endured had opened up and would not seal.

"He hated that more than anything. Knowing that he couldn't stop it."

Alphonse barely registers the fact that his father is wiping his hand clean, only seeing maggots and flies feasting on his brother's body. The earth reclaiming its final champion despite the Dwarf's efforts.

In a last act of spite, Alphonse remebers waking up face to face with, and covered in Edward's rot. Finally getting to destroy the body before the Dwarf could pull it away.

"I can't look at them." He says finally, shaking himself, "I can't look at them without seeing him. Like that."

Beautiful, lovely golden eyes. Like fire and sunset. They're his eyes, he knows that, but set into the skin of the dunmer… All he can see is his brother, nothing more.

A curse.

[oneplusoneistwins]

2 months postpartum: What is it like having TWO TWIN TWO MONTH OLDS?!

Hi everyone! It has been over a month since I wrote and honestly I can’t even believe it because this month has FLOWN by! Ugh writing is my passion and I need to make it a priority, but taking care of two infants, keeping the house in order, and trying to cook and clean as much as possible for my boyfriend and I is exhausting! On top of it all, we were ALL sick this past month. First it was me, then Lena, then Lila and then Nick...it has been awful! We made a trip to the emergency room and have been to the doctor like 3 different times for cold symptoms, and finally we are all feeling almost back to normal!

This month has definitely been tried and true for us though and especially for me. I never knew how awful being sick was until I had to take care of two babies and be up half the night for days on end. All I wanted was to feel better again. The girls also had a huge growth spurt before we all got sick and were eating like crazy for 2 weeks (eating 5 oz. or more every couple hours), and were extremely fussy. They are finally back to their normal schedule of 4 oz. every 3-4 hours and are only waking up once during the night (most of the time), and are usually in bed asleep by 10:30pm!

On top of dealing with their growth spurts and being sick I’ve been struggling with anxiety this month... a lot. I haven’t been taking good care of my mental health and most of the time I take it out on Nick and I shouldn’t. I don’t take time to give myself a true break of getting away for an hour to either write or go run errands. But, I decided I want to exercise to feel like I’m doing something for myself (getting back to my pre-baby body). My goal for this month is to write as much as possible either on my blog or journaling (to relieve some stress) and to EXERCISE. Somehow, some way I need to figure out how to exercise with walking, jogging, yoga, or workouts. This other anxiety that has creeped up on me is feeling like I’m lost in this stay at home mom life, and missing school and work. It’s crazy to feel as though you miss your old life but would never want to trade your new life for anything...how is that possible? Well, being a mom, any feeling is possible. I’ve never missed going to school every day and working every other day more than I do right now, and I’ve never loved my life of being a stay at home mom of two more than I do right now...crazy right? The crazier thing though is that I’m going to do both very very soon. I plan on going back to work before the summer starts at least 2 days a week, and taking 16 units (3 classes) in the Fall. Although my life is about to get that much crazier, I love it. I love having MY thing and that thing is school. I will be a senior in college this year with twins... just typing that sentence is absolutely amazing. Last year at this time I was so stressed out because I had taken so much on with school (17 units, 4 classes, volunteer hours, working part time, moving to a new apartment, and struggling with my anxiety that was at its worst). But now, I’m dealing with new anxieties of being a mom and going to start my senior year of college and go back to work a couple days a week, and I have no idea where it’s going to take me but I’m excited for it. It feels like a fresh start. I don’t have the anxieties I used to thank God, but I have new anxieties that seem so much scarier in my head than they actually are.

I want to look back on this post in 6 months when I’m in the heat of everything, and remind myself how far I’ve come and how much I have accomplished in just 1 year. I managed to overcome the worst anxiety (of not being able to barely leave the house), having the most painful pregnancy, completing a full time semester (3 classes) with honors, giving birth to twins, giving up everything for these two little humans, and then jumping back into school and work again like that all didn’t just happen and my life got turned upside down lol. ....Oh and finding time for myself! What I’m really trying to say is everyone, myself included, and especially moms out there cannot forget about our accomplishments no matter how small because in order to get to our goals we need to pat ourselves on the back for all we’ve accomplished. We also need to stop worrying about how perfect our life should be, and realize that every moment only happens once, and to slow down to appreciate those moments. We need to get through all the stormy times, especially being a mom, and remember those little glimpses of straight bliss because that’s how life is. Life is basically full of shitty times and shitty people, but then something absolutely amazing happens (like when my two baby girls look at me at the same time and smile so big I can see their toothless gums). So this post is for anyone that’s having a shitty time because remember that’s LIFE! Life sucks until it doesn’t for 5 minutes, so stay positive, face your fears, do small acts of kindness, appreciate your family (blood or not), and remember there’s always cracks of light at the end of that dark tunnel that seems everlasting.

And... if you took the time to read this, THANK YOU. And please write me something about this post that you appreciated or share a fear with me that you’ve overcome no matter how small.

Raising twins isn’t easy and living life isn’t easy... but who said it was?

Quote of the day: “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that's just the way it is!”

Sincerely,

Your favorite twin mom 💗💗

[soul-music-is-life]

Could you do a drabble were Alison has a miscarrige please?

A word about this one:please note that the subject material for this is heavy and it is not somethingI take lightly. It hits very close to home. The loss of an infant is adelicate thing that has an impact on that baby’s family’s lives forever.This is an extremely sensitive subject that widely affects parents everywhere. Anytime I am writing something this raw and real I worry about the impact it mighthave on readers.

Much like my 9-11 oneshot I had to really consider whether ornot this was something I wanted to put out there, because the last thing I wantto do is peel open healing wounds of anyone who has dealt with this. However, withlast month having been Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month I am alsoaware that this is a subject that is considered worth talking about. Everysingle baby that has been lost is WORTH remembering.

That being said, I dourge anyone who is sensitive about it to proceed with caution (I’ve put up a “read below the line” break when it starts to get heavy because the last thing I want is for someone to be scrolling through tumblr and come across it without having a chance to scroll by).

Every experienceis different, and I only hope that I was able to write this particular scenariowith Alison and Emily respectfully and in a tactful way. To anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby, know that my heart is with you. Always.

Note that it’s alengthy prompt. I did not want to rush this one.

***

Three words changed Emily DiLaurentis-Fields life and thelives of her entire family. Three words.

“Something is wrong.”

Alison had been feeling off all day. Emily had taken the dayoff to care for her. Alison’s first pregnancy had been somewhat difficult, butit was a breeze compared to her second one.

She’d felt nauseated and crampy all morning. Emily thoughtthey should go to the doctor, but Alison insisted she just needed to rest. Shewas tired, nothing more. And while Emily conceded to Alison’s wishes, she stillfelt a strange uneasiness needling the back of her brain.

Emily could feel it. It was the same twisted feeling she’dfelt in the pit of her stomach the day her dad had died. Something was wrong.

There was something off about Alison, and it worried her.She’d practically spent the entire day hovering over her and pacing so muchthat she was wearing a hole in the carpet.

Alison was worried about how jittery she was. But she was sofocused on Emily that she didn’t realize that her own body was trying to tellher something. A sensation, a warning. It’s like the Earth had slowed on itsaxis and the clouds were drifting down around her…and her family. The familyshe was expecting. But she shook itoff, her attention focused more on wondering why the hell Emily was acting likethe world was crashing down around them.

She didn’t know that very soon, it was going to come crashing down.

An hour later when Alison felt the first spasm of pain sheknew her morning sickness was something more.

She called out for Emily, but Emily couldn’t hear her overthe sound of the microwave downstairs in the kitchen. She was heating upAlison’s tea for her and making her some soup for dinner.

Alison felt an odd pressure against her stomach andsuddenly, she felt like she had to pee. So she sat up against the edge of thebed and put her swollen feet against the ground.

She glanced over her baby bumpat her toes. It dawned on her how strange it was that she was already retaining somuch water when she was only halfway into her pregnancy.

When she was pregnant with the twins she’d made it almost tothe eighth month before her feet and ankles had started swelling. But that hadbeen twelve years ago.

Maybe her body had changed, she rationalized.

She felt another tight spasm in her pelvis and then anotherstab of pain. She huffed as she got to her feet. She thought she felt movementinside of her belly, but it wasn’t a motion she was used to. It wasn’t a kickor the twists and turns of the baby trying to settle.

Something was wrong.

She tried to push the worst thoughts out of her head. Thelast ultrasound two weeks ago had been fine. Her son was fine. Three nights agohe’d been kicking up a storm. Lily and Grace had taken turns putting their handon her belly and marveling at their little brother’s strength. Lily said shethought he was going to be a ninja. Grace was convinced he was going to be akicker for the NFL.

Alison stood up, feeling a liquid leaking into herpants. She clenched her thighs together to try and hold her urine until shecould get to the bathroom.  

She was halfway to the adjoining bathroom when somethingtightened roughly in her pelvis. The pain was so intense that she fell forward,grasping at the side of the dresser. She cried out and started huffing outunsteady breaths. She groaned.

“Alison?” She heard Emily’s concerned voice behind her.

Alison glanced over her shoulder and saw Emily holding atray with a bowl of soup and a mug of hot herbal tea. Emily saw the look ofpain contorted on Alison’s face. She immediately put the tray down on top ofthe small armoire by the door.

“Ali? What is it?”

Alison cried out, shrieked,in pain. Emily was by her side in an instant.

“Emily, something is wrong.” She cried.

Something is wrong.

The words terrified them both.

Alison reached down into her pants because she’d felt a warmwetness pooling in her underwear. It was too early for her to go into labor, soshe knew it wasn’t her water breaking. But she also knew at this point itwasn’t urine either.

When she pulled her fingers out covered in blood her faceblanched. She felt a sharp pain in her abdomen and doubled over. Alison lookedat Emily, tears filling her eyes. When was the last time she’d felt their sonmoving? He’d been still most of the day. He hadn’t been active at all yesterdayeither.

“I can’t feel him moving anymore.” She suddenly feltpanicky.

More blood was soaking through her clothing. Alison moaned,grabbing Emily’s arm for support. She tugged at the hem of her maternity pants,desperately trying to pull them down, because she knew…she knew what was happening. And she wasn’t going to let it happen.

“Baby, you should sit down…”

But Alison was too frantic to hear her. She moved her pantsdown, almost falling over in the process. She cried in frustration when anotherwave of pain hit her and she had to stop moving because the movement made itworse.

“Hey, take it easy.” Emily put her hand on top of Alison’s,helping her steady herself as they worked her pants and underwear down to takea look. Her thighs were soaked in blood. It was dripping down her legs. Shestarted to sink to the ground on her knees. Emily caught her before she hit thefloor.

“Emily, I don’t feel right.” Alison’s head started saggingon her shoulders.

“Hey, Alison, look at me.” Emily put her free hand on Alison’scheek.

But Alison couldn’t focus. Another sharp pain rocked herbody and she screamed out in pain.

“Oh, God. It hurts.” She cried, squeezing Emily’s arm so tightthat her fingernails dug into her skin, drawing blood. It was worse than laborpains. Because at least with her labor pains she’d had with Lily and Grace sheknew she’d get to see the light in their eyes when they were born. “It’s tooearly. This can’t happen yet…” Another stabbing pain. Another cry. “Emily!”

“Ali, you’re going to be okay. Just…”

“He’s in distress.” Alison cried. “I can feel it.” Shegroaned. “Em…” She weakly raised her head to look at her wife. “Promise me ifit comes down to me or him you’ll choose him.”

Nineteen weeks was almost five months. Micro-preemies couldmake it. Against all odds. And she knew her son was strong. There had to be a way. He had to survive. She couldn’t be losing him. She’d done everything right. It wasn’t fair. It couldn’t happen.

“Hey, it’s not going to come to that.” Emily tried to staycalm.

Please God, don’t letit come to that. Emily wasn’t sure she could make that call if it did.

Alison saw stars. Her vision started to fade.

“Alison, hold on.”

Another bolt of pain. Another agonized scream. Followed bysilence. Chill-inducing, heart-stopping silence. Alison slunk down into Emily’sbody, her large belly pushing her into an awkward position. Emily moved heraround until she was behind Alison, propping her up, trying to rouse her.

“Mom?” A timid voice whimpered from the doorway.

When Emily looked up she saw Grace staring at the bloodpooling on the floor. She looked like she was going to pass out…or throw up.

“Grace, I need you to call 911.” Emily shifted so she waskneeling behind her wife, getting ready to pick her up.

Grace, her normally wildly disobedient brat of a child didexactly as she was told, probably for the first time in her life. She couldn’tfind her phone so she ran into Lily’s room in a panic.

“Something is wrong with mom.” Grace had tears in her eyes.“I think it’s the baby. We need to call an ambulance, but I can’t find myfucking phone.” She growled in frustration.

“What?” Lily scrambled off of her bed, knocking her mathbook and several sheets of paper on to the floor.

She grabbed her phone and quickly called 911. The second theoperator answered Lily nervously spouted out,

“Our mom is pregnantand something is wrong and we need help.”

“What if he dies? Or mom?” Grace started to hyperventilate.“What if they both die?”

“Hey, calm down, Grace.” Lily tried to comfort her.

Lily split her focus between Grace and the 911 operator asthey both ran down the hallway towards their mothers’ room.

Emily slid one of her arms underneath Alison’s knees and herother arm underneath Alison’s shoulders, pulling her off of the ground. Alison’shead lolled on her shoulders, her eyes weakly opening up. She looked up atEmily, a pitiful expression in her eyes.

“Emily…”

“Just hang on. We’re going to get you to the hospital.” Emilystarted walking out of their room towards the hallway. “Everything is okay,Ali. I’ve got you.”

“We called 911,” Lily said, her hands trembling, the phonestill in her hand.

The call was still connected. Emily could hear the operatortrying to say something, but her focus was on getting Alison safely down thesteps. When she got downstairs, she gently laid Alison down against the couch.

Alisongroggily opened her eyes, looking at her. She started to cry. Emily wiped awayher tears. Neither one of them had the words to express the pain they felt.

They heard a stifled sniffle behind them and when Emilylooked over her shoulder she saw her twelve year old twins. They looked liketerrified toddlers.

“I accidentally hung up on 911.” Lily whimpered.

“It’s going to be okay girls.” Emily reached out to take thephone.

But she didn’t call 911 back. Instead, she called her bestfriend. Because she knew the girls needed to be looked after. She didn’t wantthem at the hospital. She didn’t want their memories of this to be any worsethan they already were. She didn’t want them to sit in stiff waiting roomchairs in a hallway that reeked of disinfectant, rubbing alcohol, and death.

Hanna had picked up after one ring. She and Emily had beentexting all day about how Alison wasn’t feeling well. So when Hanna picked up,she felt a tense ball in the pit of her stomach telling her something waswrong.

“Em, is everything okay?”

“No.” Emily didn’t realize how much she was shaking untilshe heard the sound of her voice. “I’m going to the hospital with Alison. Canyou come over and sit with the girls?”

“I’ll be there in five minutes.” Three if she ran the stopsigns and red lights, which she absolutely planned on doing.  

She hung up and bolted for her car just as the ambulance waspulling into the DiLaurentis-Fields’ driveway. The girls saw the flashinglights. There was a moment of panic from the twins. Grace started to cry. Lilywas calm, but shaky. She grabbed her mom’s arm gently.

“Mom, we want to go with you.” Lily had tears in her eyes.

“I know, baby. But you and Grace need to stay here. It’s forthe best. Your Aunt Hanna will take care of you. And I’m going to take care ofyour mom.”

“What about the baby?” Grace questioned. “Will you take careof him, too?”

“Oh, sweetie.” Emily reached out to brush Grace’s tearsaway. She didn’t know how to explain what was going on to them, not withoutbreaking down. “Look, whatever happens, we’ll get through it together.”

“Is he going to die?” Grace asked.

“Grace!” Lily hissed, almost in a panic, like the questionwas going to jinx the situation, like their little brother’s fate was in their hands and that if they thought good thoughts nothing bad would happen to him.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I promise youwe’ll let you know something as soon as we know. Now, you be good for your AuntHanna.”

The girls didn’t argue.

Hanna got there just as they were loading Alison into theambulance.

“The girls are inside.” Emily blinked in shock when she sawHanna rushing towards her.

“Hey, I’ll take care of them. You just take care of Ali.”

Emily nodded. She didn’t realize she was crying. Hannareached up, brushing her thumbs against her best friend’s cheeks.

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Emily’s body shook withsobs.

“Just breathe, Emily. Ali needs you right now.”

That’s all Emily needed to hear to get ahold of herself. Shehugged Hanna before she climbed into the ambulance with her wife. Emily waiteduntil they were on the road, then she called her mother in tears, tellingher what was going on.

Alison was in and out the whole way to the hospital. She wasbleeding a lot and she was dizzy from the pain and the blood loss. The shockhad hit her hard. But she was fully aware of her surroundings when they werewheeling her into the emergency room. The pain of the contractions was moreintense than the ones she’d had with Lily and Grace. Or perhaps she was just ina weaker state.

She looked around the room. The lights felt so bright. Theair felt cold. There were people in scrubs running all around. The only thingthat brought her any comfort was seeing Emily by her side. She had squeezed herhand so much that Emily had lost feeling in her fingers.

Alison felt a cool gel oozing on to her belly, but unlikewhen they’d gotten their sonograms there was no tittering excitement in theroom. The doctor frowned at the ultrasound image. Alison was somewhat cognizantof the doctor talking to them, telling them their worst fears.

Yet despite knowing what she knew, Alison still fought theurge to push. Because it was too early. And what if the doctors were wrong?What if he was okay? What if they were missing something? What if there wassomething more that could be done?

“Alison, we need you to push.” The doctor urged.

“No.” Alison cried weakly.

“Ali…” She heard Emily’s shaky voice.

“No!” She hissed angrily at her wife.

She was mad at Emily, because why wasn’t she fighting this?Why wasn’t she screaming at the doctors to do something? Why was she so quick tobelieve the worst? Why wasn’t she stoppingthis? She knew it was irrational, but she didn’t care. Because…

No. Alison couldn’t accept it. She refused to believe thiscould actually be happening. Just days ago their little bug had been kicking upa storm. Just two weeks ago they were watching him swirl around in his 3Dsonogram. He looked like he was deep in thought, leaning on his knuckles as ifhe had a very serious matter on his mind: like what was better? Hot Fries orCurly Fries? The real life questions their genius son would ask.

She broke down in tears. Of pain. Of exhaustion. Of anger.Of fear.

“Emily, I don’t want to. Please don’t let them make me do this. Iwant to go home.” She begged.

Hearing the words ripped Emily’s heart to shreds. What wasworse than losing their son was watching the pain on Alison’s face as she triedto come to terms with it, of seeing Alison try to bargain with the inevitable. Emily felt helpless. Because all she wanted to do wasswoop in and save her. To stop this from happening. She was angry at herself.Angry for not being more insistent, for not doing something more.

“Please, can we go home?” Alison cried.

Because if they went home none of this would happen. Shewould be fine. Their son would be fine.

“I know you’re scared. And I know you’re hurting. But I’mright here, honey.” Emily put her other hand over their joined fingers, cuppingAlison’s hand in hers. “I’m right here and I’m not going to let you do thisalone.”

“Tell me this isn’t real.” Alison whimpered.

“I can’t do that.” Emily’s voice came out as a tremblingcry.

Alison’s body was contracting and pulsating and she felt likescreaming, because her brain and her heart were in a battle to the death withone another. Her brain told her the truth. She’d heard what was said to her,but she couldn’t mentally process it. She couldn’t comprehend it, because herheart was telling her not to give up. Her heart told her that maybe there wasstill hope.

It was a nightmare. It had to be. Some angry inner demonplaying on an expectant mother’s worst fear. She shut her eyes tightly, beggingto wake up, begging for the dream to end.

Another wave of contractions hit her and she shot up in thebed and screamed. She saw the doctor sitting between her knees, her feet stillin the stirrups. She was still here. She was still in her nightmare, in thishospital room with all these somber faces.

Still, she refused to push. She turned to Emily crying,

“This isn’t real.” She repeated. “This is a nightmare.”

“Ali…”

But she shut Emily out. She closed her eyes, images of the pregnancy flashingthrough her mind. The countless fertility treatments they’d done. The joy ontheir faces when the pregnancy test came back positive. Listening to his littleheartbeat for the first time. Telling the twins. Telling their friends. Comingup with his name. Planning everything about what they’d do after he was born.

“I’m having a nightmare. I want to wake up. Emily, tell meto wake up.”

Emily lowered her head, trying to hold in her tears, tryingto hold it together for her wife. Her heart was thrumming so fast she feltdizzy. She was vaguely aware of a nurse asking her if she was okay. She brushed her off, telling her she was fine. Though, for a few seconds she thought she was going to pass out.

But she forced herself to ignore her own pain and focus onAlison. She moved in closer to her wife. She placed a firm, yet delicate kissagainst Alison’s sweaty temple. She could actually taste her pain on her lips.

“Baby, we’re losing him. I’m so sorry, but we’re losinghim.” Emily said it out loud. She needed to hear it just as much as Alison.

“We…we’re not. It’s just…he’s going to be okay.”

“Alison, listen to me. If you don’t do what the doctors saywe could lose you, too. The girls and I could lose you.” She glanced at themachines monitoring Alison. She knew they were dangerously close to anemergency situation with Alison. “I know you don’t want to…” She didn’t want her to. Emily wanted towake up from this nightmare, too. “But I can’t lose you, too, Ali. I can’t…”

Alison saw the desperation in Emily’s face. And she knew shehad no choice but to do as the doctor told her. He counted slowly, coaching herthrough as if it were a completely normal labor.

She had flashes to when the girls were born, her memories ofthat day full of brightness and happiness compared to the dark and drearyclouds looming in the hospital today. She wasn’t sure what was being rippedapart more: the birth canal or her heart. She pushed, panted, and cried. AndEmily was by her side the entire time.

“One more push…” The doctor had his hands up in between herlegs.

“I can’t.” Alison cried. Not physically. Not emotionally.She just couldn’t. She couldn’t bring her son into this world just to lose him.

“Baby, you have to.” Emily squeezed her hand, her eyes fullof tears. She pressed her forehead against Alison’s temple, lightly kissing thetop of her jaw. “You have to.”

Alison felt one final contraction and she yelped. She took abreath and looked at Emily for support, her big brown eyes telling her whatshe’d been saying all along: I’m here.She squeezed Emily’s hand and let out a sob as she bore down.

There were no cries of joy from the mothers. There was nocrying coming from the tiny little soul that was in the doctor’s hands. The roomwas silent. And the silence was the loudest noise in the world.

Alison fell back against the bed, breathless sobs rockingher body. Emily pushed up as close as she could get to her, crawling againstthe side of the bed just so she could hold her. It was almost an effortlessmovement, a natural reaction to be there for her. Alison gripped her shirttightly in her fingers, twisting the fabric as her tears soaked her clothing. Emilysoothingly stroked the back of her head.

Their moment was broken up by the sounds of shuffling at thefoot of the bed. The doctor cleared his throat. When they looked at him theysaw a tiny bundled cloth in his hands and they knew their son was wrapped insideof it.

“Would you like to see your son?” His voice was soft,delicate. It almost sounded broken, despite the fact that he’d probably had todo this thousands of times before.

Alison couldn’t bring herself to look, but Emily couldn’tlook away. She moved forward to see her baby. He was tiny. So small that hecould fit in the palm of the doctor’s hand. His skin was thin and she could seehis microscopic little threadlike veins that had once been coursing with lifeunderneath his paper-thin skin. His eyes were closed, not fully developed yet.His arms were the size of Emily’s pinky finger.

His little hands and feet were tiny, probably no bigger thanthe size of a dime. He had all ten fingers and all ten toes. His hands, handsthat would never reach out for his mommies, were curled against his chest. Histiny feet – feet that would never touch the ground, feel the grass between histoes, feel the sand on the beach – were crossed at the ankles. He looked like alittle doll that had been preserved in a shining coat of wax.

He looked beautiful to her. She felt her emotions bubblingto the surface, but she still refused to break down. Not in front of her wife.She had to be strong for Alison.

“Would you like to hold him?” The doctor offered.

Emily felt Alison shift, her curiosity getting the better ofher. Emily looked at the exhausted blonde. Alison looked back at her and noddedsilently, tears still streaming down her face.

They took turns holding him, telling him how much they lovedhim and how perfect he was. They spoke to him, they sang to him, they kissedhis tiny fragile little body. They laid in the bed together for what felt likethe longest time before a nurse came in, offering to take him so they couldmake molds of his handprint and footprint for them.

She took their tiny little boy from them, turning to offerto bring him right back with a cooling system so they could spend as much timewith him as they wanted. But Alison told Emily she couldn’t say goodbye to himagain, so they told their son they loved him one final time before he was takenout of their lives for the last time.

When the nurse walked out Alison started to cry again. Emilypulled her close as she wept. The keening wails that echoed throughout the roomdidn’t sound human. It was the primal cries that only came with the loss of achild. Emily held her, rocking her as she cried.

The thoughts going through Alison’s mind were the loudest things she’d ever heard. What had happened? Why them? How long ago had it happened? When had it happened? Could they have done something more? If they had come to the hospital this morning like Emily had wanted would he still be alive? Or had it happened days ago and she’d just been carrying on as normal?

And the loudest question of all…

“Was…was it me? Did I do something wrong?” Alison sniffled.

“Oh, honey…” Emily reached out, stroking her cheek. “Baby,no.”

“Then why did this happen? What happened to our little boy?”

Emily didn’t have an answer, and it killed her. All shecould do was hold her and be there for her.

They slowly let their friends and family know. Hanna madeseveral phone calls for them, and then per their request, brought the twins tothe hospital so they could be there with them when they got the news. Bothgirls sobbed and cried until they had no tears left to cry. They took the loss of their little brother incredibly hard.

They had a few visitors in the hospital, but for the mostpart their friends didn’t want to overwhelm them, so they sent cards andflowers and all of their love. People didn’t talk much about miscarriages. They didn’tknow how, and that was okay. Because it was better to hear a generic “I loveyou” than for someone to say the wrong thing. Sometimes the best thing to do wassay nothing, and to act out of love instead.

Sometimes just being there was enough. So that’s what theirfriends did. They loved them. A hand squeeze here. A hug there. A warm meal, orfour. A realistic “I’m sorry. This fucking sucks. I love you and I’m here for you,” compliments ofHanna.

When they got home Emily busied herself taking care ofAlison and the girls. The days went by in a haze. They had to go throughsomething that they never in their wildest nightmares thought they’d have to gothrough: picking out a tiny casket for their baby and planning a service forhis burial.

The service was beautiful, a bittersweet testament to theimpact the little boy had made upon their lives and the lives of their friends andfamily.

Emily managed to hold it together, throughout the serviceand the following days. She was Alison’s rock. It was only when she was sortingthrough the nursery with Hanna one day when the girls were at school and Alisonwas asleep that she felt the feelings of grief consuming her.

She came across a little onesie her son would never get towear. It was the one they’d picked out to bring him home from the hospital in.Of course, he’d been way too small for it at birth, so they’d buried him insomething different.

“Em, I found some of Lily’s and Grace’s old baby toys. Doyou want to…”

When she turned around she saw Emily sinking down againstthe crib with the onesie in her hands, clutching it like a lifeline. Tears were streaming down her face. She started taking sharp harsh breaths. Shecouldn’t breathe.

“Oh, Em…” Her best friend quickly crawled beside her and engulfed herin a hug.

Truth be told, it was a relief for Hanna to see her finallyletting go. The girls had been worried that she’d been holding everythinginside. She’d showed very little emotion at the hospital and at the service. Theyknew she was trying to keep it together for her wife, but they also knew it wasin her nature to internalize until it nearly killed her. They knew that it wasonly a matter of time before it consumed her. Hanna was thankful she was therewhen it happened.

“Han…” She held the onesie near her face, imagining himwearing it, imagining what he’d look like in it, what he’d smell like…

“I know.” Hanna replied soothingly. “I know, Em.”

“He’s gone.” She choked.

Hanna knew there wasn’t anything she could say to make itany better, so she just held her and let her cry. They stayed in their embracefor several minutes.

They heard a shuffling noise. When they looked up they sawAlison standing at the door. She walked towards them, slowly, almostghost-like.

Emily dropped the onesie in surprise and wiped her cheeks, butshe couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. She didn’t want her wife to see herlike this. She didn’t want to worsen her grief.

“Ali, I…”

“Emily, it’s okay.” Alison felt her eyes filling with tears.She leaned down next to her wife, putting her palm against her damp cheek.

Hanna moved back, letting them have their space. She pulledthe onesie off of the floor and stood up.

“You’re supposed to be in bed resting,” Emily said, her nosecompletely stuffed up from her crying jag.

“I want you with me.” Alison felt a tear slip down her face.

She knew her wife needed her just as much as she’d needed Emily. Emily needed to grieve, too. Alison was aware that thebrunette had yet to face her own feelings because she was too busy trying toprotect hers. She knew Emily needed to rest, too.

“You can’t hold it in forever, Em.” Alison wiped away someof Emily’s tears. “Come on.” She held out her hand.

Emily didn’t resist. Her entire body was aching with a painthat was more than physical. She followed Alison into their room. They crawledinto the bed, Alison reaching out to wrap her arms around her wife. And for thefirst time, they cried, they grievedtogether.

In the following days and weeks they leaned on one anothermore than they ever had in the past. The pain never went away, but it goteasier to manage with time. Losing a baby was very much like losing a part ofone’s soul. Their son had taken a piece of both of them with him.

There wasn’t a day that went by that they didn’t think of him.Of the birthdays he would never celebrate. Of the adventures he would never getto have. Of the goodnight kisses he’d never experience. They wondered what his first words would have been, what his laugh would have sounded like, and if he would have had a favorite bedtime story.

They often thoughtabout things like how much he would have loved his big sisters or what hisfirst day of school would have been like. Who he would have befriended. What hewould have learned. How he would have changed society. Every time they saw achild exploring the playground, learning how to ride a bike, or taking theirfirst steps they thought of him.

As a reminder of the impact he had on those around him theyhad the mold of his little hands and feet in a small casing on their mantle,along with a small golden plate with his name.

Samuel Wayne Fields“It is the smallestsouls that leave behind everlasting love. Forever in our hearts”

And those hearts were broken, but Alison and Emily wouldn’thave their hearts be shattered for anything less. The heavy grief they had forhim was because of the insurmountable amount of love they felt for him. Thatlove was what they tried to hold on to. He was gone, but the imprint he hadleft on their hearts would last forever. They held that little boy in theirhearts every second of every day.

And they always would.  

[your-art-is-gay]

Meet The Writer

1. What’s your oldest WIP, and how old is it? What inspired you to start it?

My oldest WIP that’s still currently in motion is my main one, The Academy. It turned two years old September 22 (ahh!!)

I got the idea when my dad (also a writer) suggested a school with a bunch of magical creatures living in tandem, instead of a magic school specifically for like wizards or whatever. I thought it sounded very interesting, so I took a couple of character’s I’d made before and started writing!

(Fun fact, a few of the main characters in the Academy were originally from a Percy Jackson fanfiction about demigods with fears that greatly contradicted their powers! Paris was a son of Aphrodite who was terrified of falling in love, and Kieran was a son of Hecate who despised magic! Early drafts of the Academy had very heavy influence from Greek Mythology as well, up until I decided that I really didn’t want it to be so similar to Percy Jackson and created my own mythos instead.)

2. What’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to writing?

I tend to overanalyze, well, everything in my writing. One of the worst feelings is when I think of something really clever and then I discover that it opens up a plot hole in an earlier portion. Oh well, that’s what revisions are for, right? *gross sobbing*

3. What scene did you enjoy writing the most out of all your WIPs? What scene did you enjoy writing the least?

Ooohhh, that’s a good question. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure. I definitely really like the quiet, romantic scenes, because I’m a total sap and I don’t get to write many of those.

As for the one I liked the least, well… One of my main characters has been through some pretty traumatic shit in their past, and partway through the book they have a nightmare and completely break down, and gods I hated writing that. It hurts me so much to put them through that.

4. What’s your favorite trope?

Well, I have a lot of them. I really like characters who are done with everything and everyone and only go along with the crazy shit that happens to them because they have to. Like, they’ll let the plot drag them around but by the gods they’re kicking and dragging their heels along the way. I also really like casual fourth-wall breaking, Gilligan cuts, and the *thing happens and two characters in the background exchange money* tropes.

5. Which of your protagonists do you relate to the most?

Well, I have a character that’s very heavily based off of me―and who also shares my name. Although, while they were written with the intention of being somewhat of a self-insert, they’ve grown and changed as a character so much now that we really aren’t alike anymore. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure. I’d probably say Nick just for simplicity’s sake, but I don’t really know.

6. What is the worst writing experience you’ve ever had with another writer, anywhere, since you’ve started writing?

I don’t really talk to people in general. I don’t think I can recall a negative experience with another writer, actually.

7. What character from a famous story, book/movie/comic/game, or otherwise, do you despise the most? Why?

Severus motherfucking Snape. I have so many reasons for hating him.

He was an abusive, racist prick who got pissed when his female friend wasn’t romantically interested in him, called her a racist name when she tried to help him, and fucked off to join the wizard Nazis.

He only defected over to the good side because he was still obsessed with Lily and was afraid of her being murdered.

He literally asked Voldemort to spare Lily so he could be with her―sure, kill the year-old infant and the man she actually loves, but no, keep her alive so I can force my love on her.

Despite being a supposedly “good” guy, he mentally abused his students for years, so much so that he even became Neville Longbottom’s worst fear.

Neville Longbottom, who frequently goes to see his essentially braindead parents and is alluded to being able to remember when they were tortured so badly that they became that way, was tormented so badly by Snape that he became Neville’s worst fear.

Upon finding the Potter house after the were killed, he completely breezes past James’ body, ignored the wailing and bleeding child in the crib, just to hold Lily’s body and weep over how he never got to sleep with her.

He has an unreasonable hatred for Harry just because Harry looks like James.

He was so salty about something that happened when they were children (that wasn’t even Lupin’s fault, by the way) that he outed Lupin as a werewolf and forced him to resign, depriving Hogwarts of the only good DADA teacher it ever had.

And yet, despite all of this, he is given a redemption arc. He is considered a redeemable character, when Draco Malfoy, a literal child who was tortured and abused for a good portion of his life and had very little of a say in most of his awful choices, “doesn’t have a heart of gold.”

Snape is seen as a romantic, selfless guy by a good portion of the fandom because…he was obsessed with a girl who wanted nothing to do with him? Because of a throwaway line where he proclaimed he would always be obsessed with a girl who wanted nothing to do with him?

It’s bad enough that the fans think this, but the books treat it like this as well!! SNAPE, of all people, gets a redemption arc―if you can even call those bullshit excuses that. I, for one, am thoroughly sick of abusive characters getting redeemed.

(Sorry for ranting, I have a lot of feelings about this.)

8. What’s your favorite line of dialogue you’ve ever written?

Most of my characters are sarcastic little shits, so that’s really hard to say.

9. Who’s the worst character you’ve ever written, in terms of morality?

Well….hm….  The thing about my characters, particularly my antagonists, is that I do my very best to make them something other than just evil. In their eyes, their bad actions are justified. So, it’s really hard to choose.

My main villain is a very self-righteous, ambitious sort of guy. He’s kinda racist (a lot of older magi in my story just….really don’t like the fae), and thinks that the magi (magical folk) are superior. BUT, instead of wanting to take over the world or anything, he just wants to leave. Long story short, the magi are originally from another dimension, and it’s there that he wants to return them. Unfortunately, this other dimension is presumed to have been destroyed, and even if it is there, opening a rift to go there could potentially completely destroy our world. He doesn’t care about that, though―after all, it’s only humans and dirty fae that would die.

The only other character I can think of is the one I just really hate. Like, she just oozes evil and I kind of love to write her, because I don’t really have any other characters that have that slick evil personality. But she’s a pretty terrible person too. Her twin brother was taken by the fae as an infant, a changling left in his place. The changeling doesn’t know that yet―but she does.

Their entire life, she’s blamed him for why she doesn’t have her actual brother. She pretends like she loves him, but the entire time she’s been emotionally abusing him and making him constantly feel like crap about himself. She’s even physically abused him, by taking iron and burning him whenever she can get away with it.

I think she’d probably be the worst.

10. Do you prefer happy endings or bad endings? Or do you prefer the middle ground?

Definitely good endings. I can appreciate well-written bad endings, but only after I get over my initial emotional response to it. Sometimes, that takes me a while―like Swarm by Scott Westerfeld. I read that almost a year ago and I’m still fucking pissed. I’m just not really a fan of endings that leave a bad taste in my mouth. (One of the reasons I chose to reread Huck Finn for English instead of doing Of Mice And Men, despite the fact that I kind of loath Huck Finn.)

I’m also aware that not all stories can have feel-good endings, and in many of them, those types of endings just don’t make sense. *squints at the end of Mockingjay*

But, in general, I greatly prefer good endings.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Matt Plants dad apologized to me for using his wife as a midwife to kidnap the Z twins and the 3 other Annabelles in her kindergarten and intended to be placed in the schools where she attended.

Annabelle was an oddly popular name. 5 in her kindergarten class. 2 moving in and out.

I took my daughter out of normal public school after grade 1.

Then i took her out of all public school in grade 5.

For 2 - 4 she did attend public school 2 and a half days a week. I "homeschooled" her the other 2 and a half days.

Which I actually didn't do shit. I didn't educate her at all. I just let her be at home. I didn't attempt to be a teacher to her. I was barely a mom. She knew she had to learn. So she watched Beakman's World over and over to learn Science. She did. She was able to pass the standardized tests for science she took in the public schools. From Beakman's World.. Old somewhat out of date science.

And i didn't tell her to. Sometimes she asked me about home school and i told her "you need to do it. You know what to do?" And I would hear the tv on

I had to report to the schools.. About her work. So if we went to Albuquerque to play mini golf well it is "physics" that runs a car. And so i would say well wr drove 2 hours so i would fill in her sheet "2 hours of physics" we didn't talk about how the car worked but we were in the dam car. It runs by physics. I figured that counted. I wrote all kinds of bleak shit on those worksheets to account for our time while being alive. If she made a pizza in our convection (toaster oven like) then it was chemistry.

I hate school. I hate public schools. I hate rules..

If we went out to eat it was biology because she had to shit at some point.

Video games like Minecraft were "study of basic principles" or "sociology" because she had to kill monsters sometimes or ran into other villagers.

We learn. We absorb. In each and every thing we do.

Did i lie? No

Did i teach her? No

It didn't mean she didn't learn.

She got into ghosts and ghost hunting "physical science - not physical education" "metaphysicalaty" "metaphysics"

Its science.

Solving a mystery "meta-physical physical science with an algebraic equality"

I am relieved to know the 5 Annabelles and 2 male twins have been reunited with their birth mothers and family.

They didn't realize how to mark them then follow them back to birth to find out who kidnapped them in the SMS.

So they been wanting to know who was behind it and they knew it been confessed several times before and apologized. So they have been waiting for this morning.

So they will all be accumulated and discarded the kidnappers of these infants.

There is a conflict with the people who raised them for 16 years... That is their parents... And so they will be dealt with in a more gingerly, gentle manner. Because while they are just kidnappers I do know one set of "parents" personally and they did give love to the children. They ARE ALIENS that do not belong here that raised human children ... So they may stay a few more months to help smooth the transition.

But they will leave and so there is No point to jail them as they have ankle monitors now.

Unfortunately all the families have ties to the regular USA military.

Including Matt Plant's dad. Who I met while he was in the Coast Guard and Matt, kidnapped human, was a left handed little boy that was born in 1981. He was a school mate. We had desks next to each other. He pissed me off all the time because he was left handed and he took up all this fucking space the way he wrote and knocked shit off my desk all the time. Fucking kid was spread eagle elbows out all the time like some war was going on

"Dude!! You're just intended to write!! You don't need to take up so much space! You're killing the atmosphere! I don't need your elbow in my face!" Cause literally it was. We were HORRIBLE seat mates. But I had a desk in the back of the room because I rarely went to school. But there was things I wanted to learn so I went when the teacher had it on schedule. And for some reason he stayed home a lot, too. So we got the seatmate until he asked to be placed back with the boys. And I just had my own desk all alone. The way I liked it. No one to talk to me and bug me. So I could just learn.

I liked the kid. I always admired him.. Until I had to fucking sit next to him.

This sweet kid Nate was left handed so i told the teacher to pay attention -- Ms Chen she was murdered by the Chinese Embassy.... But i told her "look Nate is having problems with his seat mate because hes left handed"

"And Jewel (she called us all precious names) he is doing well much better than the two of you. Try to get along better please"

Like dam it, so finally i got the nerve to argue her ... Because she was fucking good at being bossy

"Look. I don't mean to boss you around because I'm not here so often but look Nate's seatmate has to rearrange his shit all the time. So, it would be easier on him in his learning cycle not to sit next to Nate but they are friends, i see them hanging out at the park all the time. And Matt here needs some really good friends too that are patient and kind unlike me as you do say. And i talked to Matt Pleasants earlier this morning and he did say he would rather sit with the boys but you had him sit next to someone like me, before and they didn't get along so well so if you moved old Matt to be with Nate who is also not,right handed,i think they would be more comfortable"

And finally she couldn't argue me back.

"Well who do you want to sit with?"

"No one! Im quite fine alone!"

"See the thing is -- in society we are never alone and so you must sit with some body"

"Oh!! I'm not alone!! I am here with you! You sll6! So many people in this room and school I am here with$ in this kind of type of society!! I am! I swear!"

"Ok calm down and,explain to me more"

"I see in the subways all the time, Miss, I see not the children But adults mostly and mainly being alone. But in the society in which we born and breed. Not that I was born here, I wasn't. I was born down south, i think. But the point is Miss, who do you sit with in this society? Your desk you are alone. At home, single with no husband, you are alone. In this society in which you claim we need somebody. You aren't with anyone!"

"I know. Just sit sit. I cannot argue you any more! You make me cry! You are too smart for my beauty! You beautiful babe. I do love you. And I wouldn't kill you for the world!"

I bought her a house and gave it to her. All the teachers at PS 26 because of Miss Lieberman and because of Miss Chen. Mostly because of Miss Chen.

After she was murdered, we turned it into a neighborhood watch community apartment place. Her house. "To keep the entire world safe"

Because of her we stopped human trafficking in Russia and China and Lebanon, Czechoslovakia, Slovakia, Quebec, The entire state of NY, Outer Mongolia, Egypt and many parts of Africa. Using the United Nations. It was "Operation: "I'll free you" regarding Ms Chen and her rightful delegates to life, freedom and happiness. The End"

And you see why? Because she loved. She taught. She listened. She cared so much she cried.

No one in the world like her. And she died. Murdered.

No one more beautiful and willing to fight. Her death inspired 29 nine to fifteen year olds to quit school, lie about their ages and enlist in the military to go to war in Desert Storm, to gain experience to fight Old World China that forced Miss Chen to live in fear so much she moved across the world just because she was born female.

Her love. Her beautiful love. The wealth of that love caused young boys to quit school to fight a whole country.

Because she taught us One Person does make a Difference

She fed our souls with true love and experience. She had a feeding tube to our hearts, not just our minds. Not just to educate "but feel and breathe and be alive!"

At home I was abused.

At school I was fed by a feeding tube to my heart.

To grow. To fly. To not only change me and how I react to stress but to change the world.

That is what she fed us. My Uncle Dad always did, too.

But in between him and me was an abusive and wicked step mother and brother.

She was our Church. Our School. Our Mother. Our Boss. Our Best Friend.

And she always liked to say "I am your Teach. I am your worst enemy"

She was from Mongolia, Republic of China.

So she had an accent but she worked very very hard to not show one. And I was always caught off guard... I always heard "I am your reach" and I would think "from your outer soul to inner" because she always touched my heart with a valid argument I couldn't not agree with even when I thought it was the worst idea possible. Like being jabbed by a left handers elbow and living in fear of it.

I started this post talking about kidnapping. Linked how I know this Matt's best while at school

Now I just want to talk about her. I saw Matt Plant is a teacher, seriously balding, I think it had something to do with her. He teaches 8th grade science.

He used to live 2 doors down across the hall from me. So I actually spent allot of time at his house (apartment) I would play with his sister that was 3 years younger. Dolls. Barbies. Read her books. Tell her things Miss Chen said about love, human companionship and compassion. She would say "I got another C Word for you -- Complain and I gotta use it in a sentence -- I must Complain I am not in Ms Chen's class with you"

So I introduced her and so she would run over and give Ms Chen a hug every morning before school started and say "tell me something smart"

Often she would say a one or two line of street safety advice.

And every Friday "tell me something smart" and Miss Chen would reply "you are" while touching her little chin, and giving her an extra hug.

It established a new principles in our classroom. Every morning on the board was a quote "tell me something smart" so for our journal enteries she would write "tell me:..... .... ....."

One girl changed our classroom. One mysterious girl when I played Barbies with, I would repeat something Ms Chen had said that day. Playing Barbies was really just holding a Barbie up and talking... Mostly for me anyway.

Ms Chen changed her world. Because I spread the love and nourishment and guidance she gave me onto her.

So why I try shit like human trafficking and then turn myself in and call the CIA and/or FBI and tell in myself -- it is because of her.

"If you do something bad, turn yourself in, day you're sorry and Beg for mercy. You'll get into less trouble"

My Uncle Dad Said the same thing. They didn't even know each other to "conspire to categorize communication to cause conflict in annoyance from home to school"

She knew us all. She knew I hated home. But others liked theirs so she would say something different to encourage us to understand she had independent thought.

She really was a beautiful woman human.

The world is Deep and Complex.

What comes around goes around.

I hope those kidnapped children are all doing well after reuniting with their family.

[brajeshupadhyay]

“Our system is not built to serve everyone equally��: Doctors push for an end to racial discrimination in health care

Malaika Pedzayi-Ferguson’s kidney stones put her in the emergency room twice. She said a doctor laughed, shrugged and said “it’s a mystery,” before sending her home with Tylenol. 

Jada’s IUD fell out of its place, causing her severe pain and risked puncturing her uterus. She said doctors in two different emergency rooms refused to remove it, gave her ibuprofen and told her to see her primary physician. Because Jada was on vacation, that wasn’t possible, she said — so she had to remove it herself. 

When her twin sister Jayla asked a doctor for an STD test, she said the doctor tested for a yeast infection without telling her, and said the STD test was negative. It turned out that she did have an STD, and because it went untreated, she said she developed Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. The doctor who misdiagnosed Jayla said she should have had safe sex.

“I have to be the angry loud Black woman making a scene for you to do something. I used to want to avoid that, but when it comes down to my health, I’d rather you be uncomfortable and me not be dead,” Jayla told CBS News. “…Who am I supposed to turn to, because I don’t have the power to treat myself?”

Experiencing discrimination in health care

04:04

These patients aren’t alone. Thousands of people of color have shared their own accounts on social media of doctors dismissing pain or making racist remarks, or of having near-death experiences because physicians did not give proper treatment.

Now, with the ongoing protests against racial injustice, medical students and health care workers are pushing for change. Thousands have shown support for the #WhiteCoatsForBlackLives movement, demanding medical centers, schools, and individuals recognize and take action to address the health disparities Black people face. 

My life should matter, whether or not I have a white coat, because Black Lives Matter…..#BlackLivesMatter #whitecoatsforblacklives pic.twitter.com/rTAJtvt3pe

— LEVITICUS (@SLDTRACK) June 20, 2020

Celebration of Juneteenth today. Looking back on 150+ @OUTulsa leaders, faculty, staff, and students represent #whitecoatsforblacklives. Proud of our University, but there’s more work to be done. pic.twitter.com/nECE4dZLV1

— OU-Tulsa Dept of Internal Medicine (@OUTulsaIntMed) June 20, 2020

Emergency room doctor Leigh-Ann Webb, an assistant professor of emergency medicine at the University of Virginia, said fair and efficient health care has always been a problem for Black people in the U.S. 

“Our system in America is not built to serve everyone equally, and the health care system is not immune to that,” she told CBS News. 

Most recently, doctors said, they’ve found biases in how Black patients have been treated during the coronavirus pandemic. 

Black people make up 13% of the U.S. population, but account for at least 23% of coronavirus deaths, according to the COVID Tracking Project. That prompted Webb and her colleagues to conduct a study that asked: When patients arrive at the emergency room, who was being tested for COVID-19?

“What we found was that we were disproportionately ordering more tests for people who were White, despite the fact that it was the people of color who are disproportionately affected across our country,” Webb said. “Of the tests that we were ordering for people of color, those were coming back positive at a higher rate.”

Coronavirus tests are just one example of how Black people often fare worse under the current health care system.

Black people are significantly more likely than White people to suffer from chronic health conditions like diabetes and asthma, according to the CDC. They also have the highest mortality rate for all cancers compared to any other racial group, and an infant mortality rate that’s nearly twice the national average.

Research has also found that Black women are 42% more likely to die of breast cancer than White women, and that Black individuals are at higher risk of both developing and dying from colon cancer. Black men are more than 1.5 times more likely to get prostate cancer, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, while both Black men and women are more than twice as likely to develop myeloma, cancer of plasma cells. 

Black women are also roughly three times more likely than White women to die during childbirth, according to the CDC.  

Li Cohen/CBS News

Internal medicine and public health doctor Michelle Morse, an assistant professor at Harvard University, said she saw that dynamic at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. 

She said that around 2016, the hospital noticed a pattern in their emergency room that spanned at least a decade: Black and Latinx patients coming in for heart failure were more often admitted for treatment by general medicine providers than cardiology specialists. White patients, comparatively, were frequently treated by specialists who could provide better care.

Heart failure patients who saw general providers, Morse explained, had a higher hospital readmission rate than those treated by specialists.

“Often what happens is that Black and Brown patients get blamed for their outcomes not being as good as White folks,” Morse said. “So it again reinforces the fact that a lot of the racial inequities…are actually about the social conditions and the policies, not about the behavior, or compliance with medications, or biology, or genes, or DNA of Black and Latinx patients.”

Since the study, Morse said the hospital developed a program called Adaptive Leaders for Racial Justice that teaches clinicians about antiracism and clinical medicine. They have also launched research to find out what drives triage decisions, and to find ways to improve the quality of heart failure care. 

“We hope other institutions and clinicians will be equally committed to addressing inequities in their own contexts, systems, and care settings,” Dr. Eldrin Lewis, director of the Cardiovascular Clerkship Program at Brigham and Women’s Hospital, said in a press release. “Ongoing institutional insistence on self-critique and recognition of the pervasiveness of structural racism and bias will increase the likelihood of success in achieving health equity at all U.S. institutions.”

Webb explained that while many doctors tend to scold Black patients for inadequate health care, systemic issues are largely to blame. 

Economic inequality is part of that. Black people living in many major U.S. cities earn at least $30,000 less than their White counterparts, and are significantly more likely to be unemployed, live in poverty, and not own a home; according to the CDC, they are also less likely to be able to afford medical care. 

Black patients tend to go to the worst hospitals in the country, where patients are more likely to die from heart attacks or pneumonia, a 2011 study found.

“Those years of not having care or not having access to medications or having insurance so that you can have a primary care doctor or, on a basic level, not having access to healthy foods or clean water, we see the manifestation of that in the emergency department,” Webb said. “And it’s devastating to watch.”

A 2018 study suggested that these disparities are at least partially linked to doctors believing that Black patients are less likely to improve or adhere to recommended treatments. Doctors also tend to believe Black patients are less responsible for their health, the study found. This belief, the study said, affects what treatments doctors provide.

Jessica Simpson, who is Black, is a second-year medical student at Loyola University Chicago. She said she deals with this kind of racism daily interacting with non-Black medical students, and the school itself. She said implicit biases, such as discounting a patient’s pain, are judgments and assumptions many people, including med students, don’t realize they have. 

“By nature, we develop social biases as a byproduct of just the normal function of our brains,” she said. “It’s easier for our brains to label people, places, things, experiences, just because we have we live in a complex world … so social biases create this lens that we have, for what we notice, and how we interpret the world.”

Medical students at Loyola University Chicago organized a campaign in support of the Black Lives Matter movement. 

Courtesy of Jessica Simpson

Simpson said many of these biases begin in medical school. She explained medical schools do not thoroughly teach the history and context of race in medicine, and said there is a lack of diversity to help facilitate the conversation.

Black students tend to make up a small portion of medical school classes. In 2018-2019, just 1,238 out of the more than 19,900 med school graduates were Black, according to the Association of American Medical Colleges.

This, Simpson said, can impact the types of questions physicians ask their patients and the treatment they provide.

In a 2016 study, researchers found many doctors and med students believe there are biological differences between Black and White people, and that Black people are not as sensitive to pain as their White counterparts. Because of this, the study said, Black people often receive inadequate pain treatment. 

“It’s difficult that we’re still having to talk about this,” Simpson said, “but I also have hope.” 

Simpson started a chapter of the national organization White Coats for Black Lives at her school after the murder of George Floyd, and said addressing and being aware of racial inequalities — both in health care and beyond — is “imperative” for future physicians. 

“We can no longer afford to be silent regarding matters of oppression,” she told CBS News. “It’s our responsibility to learn about that and to learn about our own implicit biases in order to provide the same compassionate, patient-centered care to all of our patients, regardless of their race and ethnicity.”

Doctors trying to fight bias in health care

04:37

Dr. Cameron Webb, University of Virginia Director of Health Policy and Equity and Leigh-Ann’s husband, told CBS News that to change discriminatory outcomes, health care has to reprioritize and incentivize doctors to focus on quality care, not quantity care. Webb, the Democratic candidate in Virginia’s 5th Congressional district, would be the first Black physician elected to Congress if he wins in November. 

“Right now, it’s very fee-for-service — you just do more things, you get more money,” he said, adding that value-based contracts would ensure patients receive better quality and more affordable care. “It really moves hospitals into thinking holistically about what makes patients sick, and invest a smart investment and making communities that are designed for people to be healthier. This kind of redesign disproportionately will benefit minority and lower-income communities.”

“There’s that old quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, that ‘of all the forms of inequality, injustice in health care is the most shocking and inhumane,'” Webb said. “This is one of those moments when we’re trying to root out injustice…this is the moment to lean into that work, and to recognize this is what it looks like to make a better nation.”

Black individuals who have experienced racial bias and discrimination in health care say without more everyday action, the movement is “like a Band-Aid.”

“It soothes the soul, but my wound is still very much open,” Jada said. “It’s like you just pat me on the back and it’s like I’m here for you with your cut, but you’re not actively healing the cut.”

Malaika Pedzayi-Ferguson said that for White doctors, and White people in general, “the problem starts when the activism stops with your sign that you posted, when you’re not addressing the ways you contribute to these systems.”

“It’s good to address the bare minimum of, yes, Black lives matter,” Pedzayi-Ferguson said. “If that’s where we’re starting with people in the medical field then they need to start addressing, are they treating these Black lives like they matter?”

https://ift.tt/2CaIHsY

The post “Our system is not built to serve everyone equally”: Doctors push for an end to racial discrimination in health care appeared first on Sansaar Times.

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[brajeshupadhyay]

Malaika Pedzayi-Ferguson’s kidney stones put her in the emergency room twice. She said a doctor laughed, shrugged and said “it’s a mystery,” before sending her home with Tylenol.  Jada’s IUD fell out of its place, causing her severe pain and risked puncturing her uterus. She said doctors in two different emergency rooms refused to remove it, gave her ibuprofen and told her to see her primary physician. Because Jada was on vacation, that wasn’t possible, she said — so she had to remove it herself.  When her twin sister Jayla asked a doctor for an STD test, she said the doctor tested for a yeast infection without telling her, and said the STD test was negative. It turned out that she did have an STD, and because it went untreated, she said she developed Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. The doctor who misdiagnosed Jayla said she should have had safe sex. “I have to be the angry loud Black woman making a scene for you to do something. I used to want to avoid that, but when it comes down to my health, I’d rather you be uncomfortable and me not be dead,” Jayla told CBS News. “…Who am I supposed to turn to, because I don’t have the power to treat myself?” Experiencing discrimination in health care 04:04 These patients aren’t alone. Thousands of people of color have shared their own accounts on social media of doctors dismissing pain or making racist remarks, or of having near-death experiences because physicians did not give proper treatment. Now, with the ongoing protests against racial injustice, medical students and health care workers are pushing for change. Thousands have shown support for the #WhiteCoatsForBlackLives movement, demanding medical centers, schools, and individuals recognize and take action to address the health disparities Black people face.  My life should matter, whether or not I have a white coat, because Black Lives Matter…..#BlackLivesMatter #whitecoatsforblacklives pic.twitter.com/rTAJtvt3pe — LEVITICUS (@SLDTRACK) June 20, 2020 Celebration of Juneteenth today. Looking back on 150+ @OUTulsa leaders, faculty, staff, and students represent #whitecoatsforblacklives. Proud of our University, but there’s more work to be done. pic.twitter.com/nECE4dZLV1 — OU-Tulsa Dept of Internal Medicine (@OUTulsaIntMed) June 20, 2020 Emergency room doctor Leigh-Ann Webb, an assistant professor of emergency medicine at the University of Virginia, said fair and efficient health care has always been a problem for Black people in the U.S.  “Our system in America is not built to serve everyone equally, and the health care system is not immune to that,” she told CBS News.  Most recently, doctors said, they’ve found biases in how Black patients have been treated during the coronavirus pandemic.  Black people make up 13% of the U.S. population, but account for at least 23% of coronavirus deaths, according to the COVID Tracking Project. That prompted Webb and her colleagues to conduct a study that asked: When patients arrive at the emergency room, who was being tested for COVID-19? “What we found was that we were disproportionately ordering more tests for people who were White, despite the fact that it was the people of color who are disproportionately affected across our country,” Webb said. “Of the tests that we were ordering for people of color, those were coming back positive at a higher rate.” Coronavirus tests are just one example of how Black people often fare worse under the current health care system. Black people are significantly more likely than White people to suffer from chronic health conditions like diabetes and asthma, according to the CDC. They also have the highest mortality rate for all cancers compared to any other racial group, and an infant mortality rate that’s nearly twice the national average. Research has also found that Black women are 42% more likely to die of breast cancer than White women, and that Black individuals are at higher risk of both developing and dying from colon cancer. Black men are more than 1.5 times more likely to get prostate cancer, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, while both Black men and women are more than twice as likely to develop myeloma, cancer of plasma cells.  Black women are also roughly three times more likely than White women to die during childbirth, according to the CDC.   Li Cohen/CBS News Internal medicine and public health doctor Michelle Morse, an assistant professor at Harvard University, said she saw that dynamic at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.  She said that around 2016, the hospital noticed a pattern in their emergency room that spanned at least a decade: Black and Latinx patients coming in for heart failure were more often admitted for treatment by general medicine providers than cardiology specialists. White patients, comparatively, were frequently treated by specialists who could provide better care. Heart failure patients who saw general providers, Morse explained, had a higher hospital readmission rate than those treated by specialists. “Often what happens is that Black and Brown patients get blamed for their outcomes not being as good as White folks,” Morse said. “So it again reinforces the fact that a lot of the racial inequities…are actually about the social conditions and the policies, not about the behavior, or compliance with medications, or biology, or genes, or DNA of Black and Latinx patients.” Since the study, Morse said the hospital developed a program called Adaptive Leaders for Racial Justice that teaches clinicians about antiracism and clinical medicine. They have also launched research to find out what drives triage decisions, and to find ways to improve the quality of heart failure care.  “We hope other institutions and clinicians will be equally committed to addressing inequities in their own contexts, systems, and care settings,” Dr. Eldrin Lewis, director of the Cardiovascular Clerkship Program at Brigham and Women’s Hospital, said in a press release. “Ongoing institutional insistence on self-critique and recognition of the pervasiveness of structural racism and bias will increase the likelihood of success in achieving health equity at all U.S. institutions.” Webb explained that while many doctors tend to scold Black patients for inadequate health care, systemic issues are largely to blame.  Economic inequality is part of that. Black people living in many major U.S. cities earn at least $30,000 less than their White counterparts, and are significantly more likely to be unemployed, live in poverty, and not own a home; according to the CDC, they are also less likely to be able to afford medical care.  Black patients tend to go to the worst hospitals in the country, where patients are more likely to die from heart attacks or pneumonia, a 2011 study found. “Those years of not having care or not having access to medications or having insurance so that you can have a primary care doctor or, on a basic level, not having access to healthy foods or clean water, we see the manifestation of that in the emergency department,” Webb said. “And it’s devastating to watch.” A 2018 study suggested that these disparities are at least partially linked to doctors believing that Black patients are less likely to improve or adhere to recommended treatments. Doctors also tend to believe Black patients are less responsible for their health, the study found. This belief, the study said, affects what treatments doctors provide. Jessica Simpson, who is Black, is a second-year medical student at Loyola University Chicago. She said she deals with this kind of racism daily interacting with non-Black medical students, and the school itself. She said implicit biases, such as discounting a patient’s pain, are judgments and assumptions many people, including med students, don’t realize they have.  “By nature, we develop social biases as a byproduct of just the normal function of our brains,” she said. “It’s easier for our brains to label people, places, things, experiences, just because we have we live in a complex world … so social biases create this lens that we have, for what we notice, and how we interpret the world.” Medical students at Loyola University Chicago organized a campaign in support of the Black Lives Matter movement.  Courtesy of Jessica Simpson Simpson said many of these biases begin in medical school. She explained medical schools do not thoroughly teach the history and context of race in medicine, and said there is a lack of diversity to help facilitate the conversation. Black students tend to make up a small portion of medical school classes. In 2018-2019, just 1,238 out of the more than 19,900 med school graduates were Black, according to the Association of American Medical Colleges. This, Simpson said, can impact the types of questions physicians ask their patients and the treatment they provide. In a 2016 study, researchers found many doctors and med students believe there are biological differences between Black and White people, and that Black people are not as sensitive to pain as their White counterparts. Because of this, the study said, Black people often receive inadequate pain treatment.  “It’s difficult that we’re still having to talk about this,” Simpson said, “but I also have hope.”  Simpson started a chapter of the national organization White Coats for Black Lives at her school after the murder of George Floyd, and said addressing and being aware of racial inequalities — both in health care and beyond — is “imperative” for future physicians.  “We can no longer afford to be silent regarding matters of oppression,” she told CBS News. “It’s our responsibility to learn about that and to learn about our own implicit biases in order to provide the same compassionate, patient-centered care to all of our patients, regardless of their race and ethnicity.” Doctors trying to fight bias in health care 04:37 Dr. Cameron Webb, University of Virginia Director of Health Policy and Equity and Leigh-Ann’s husband, told CBS News that to change discriminatory outcomes, health care has to reprioritize and incentivize doctors to focus on quality care, not quantity care. Webb, the Democratic candidate in Virginia’s 5th Congressional district, would be the first Black physician elected to Congress if he wins in November.  “Right now, it’s very fee-for-service — you just do more things, you get more money,” he said, adding that value-based contracts would ensure patients receive better quality and more affordable care. “It really moves hospitals into thinking holistically about what makes patients sick, and invest a smart investment and making communities that are designed for people to be healthier. This kind of redesign disproportionately will benefit minority and lower-income communities.” “There’s that old quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, that ‘of all the forms of inequality, injustice in health care is the most shocking and inhumane,'” Webb said. “This is one of those moments when we’re trying to root out injustice…this is the moment to lean into that work, and to recognize this is what it looks like to make a better nation.” Black individuals who have experienced racial bias and discrimination in health care say without more everyday action, the movement is “like a Band-Aid.” “It soothes the soul, but my wound is still very much open,” Jada said. “It’s like you just pat me on the back and it’s like I’m here for you with your cut, but you’re not actively healing the cut.” Malaika Pedzayi-Ferguson said that for White doctors, and White people in general, “the problem starts when the activism stops with your sign that you posted, when you’re not addressing the ways you contribute to these systems.” “It’s good to address the bare minimum of, yes, Black lives matter,” Pedzayi-Ferguson said. “If that’s where we’re starting with people in the medical field then they need to start addressing, are they treating these Black lives like they matter?” https://ift.tt/2CaIHsY The post “Our system is not built to serve everyone equally”: Doctors push for an end to racial discrimination in health care appeared first on Sansaar Times.

http://sansaartimes.blogspot.com/2020/07/our-system-is-not-built-to-serve.html