#talk about being in denial about your own self-hatred

[hana-no-seiiki]

𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄

𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄! 𝐒𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐒 + 𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄! 𝐇𝐔𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐒 𝐱 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑! 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 (𝐀𝐂𝐓 𝐈𝐈)

tw/cw: this act alludes more to reader being amab (because breeder reader era wont be ending anytime soon) so beware. off-screen seggs. worldbuilding and lore stuff. yandere themes, mentions of forced prostitution. misandry.

status: unedited

[ ACT I ] • [ ACT III ]

MOTHERS HELD A HIGH SOCIAL RANK IN YOUR SOCIETY. They were the bearers of children; held with a status akin to gods. As such, those who were able to give birth were favorable.

Not a womb-less being like you.

You spent a couple decades or so in denial. Hoping that one day you’ll be accepted. That maybe society itself would change and you’d have a place in the world.

Only for reality to ruthlessly slap you in the face.

“[Y/N].”

Your mother’s voice, no matter the content of her speech, always made your heart rate soar. Cold sweat appeared on your palms and forehead, but before it could even be discerned on your form your hands make a swift movement to dry yourself. Your could feel your shakiness intensify as she drew closer.

“Yes, mother?” You greeted back. You cursed inwardly as your words came out hoarse; without its usual confidence. You could already hear her admonish you.

How could you be anything less than perfect? After all you were already born a failure. Might as well make up for it by being the best.

Throughout the decades of your parent’s unfavorable treatment, you had gain a semblance of self-esteem. At least enough to give them cheek at times. Although your subconscious always reminded you of what they were capable of if you weren’t engaged.

Your teenage self could never imagine talking back to them. With that, in spite of the unwarranted attention you were somewhat happy with the circumstances you were given.

“You went to the countryside, again.” Her arms crossed over her chest, and tar colored blouse. She always wore black clothes and a solemn look wherever she went, intimidating many that dared to gaze at her direction. Her graying hair was tied into a tight bun. Pointed, cat like eyes behind thick glasses. But she was beautiful. Annoyingly so. The very reason why so many fell at your feet.

“I am here now.”

“Her Highness was looking all over for you.”

“That’s the point. I was hiding from that witch.” You crossed your arms. You did not like that woman at all. You remembered repeatedly enforcing your boundaries and personal space to which she repeatedly broke down and disrespected.

“[Y/N]! Stop being such a brat. Act your age for once. This is a golden opportunity. For you and our whole family!”

“Selling my body wasn’t enough? Your greed really knows no bounds.”

You shut your mouth immediately. You’ve gotten too far, if her heels clacking on the ground wasn’t already an obvious indication her thin, banshee like screech should be.

You expected a slap, maybe even her pulling your hair out once again, perhaps her nails would tear into your skin once more leaving a scar that would make at least some of your clients change their mind. However before she could even get close enough to touch you, her husband pulled her away.

“Estella . . . if you hurt them, her highness might . . .” He held her back.

You used to think you loved him way back then. When he’d halt your mother’s actions and take care of you after you’d been used. But then you realized that he only saw you as an object he could benefit from as well. Once the princess asked for your hand in marriage he was ecstatic. Waxing on and on about how happy it’d make him if you went with her, even allowing her to defile you in your own bedroom at times. The only reason he didn’t actively hurt you was because your mother’s ego was so fragile that she’d take him getting physical as a sign of defiance and ill will.

Swarms of hatred encircled your heart. To think you were so blind and hungry for an ounce of their affection only a year ago.

Hours passed before your tears showed signs of stopping its flow. You hoped the streetslights that barely gave vision at least hid you from prying eyes.

“Witch, huh?”

A voice tore you away from your moment of sadness. In fear of anyone else seeing you in this state you hurry to fix yourself as you heard heeled clicks grow louder.

“I should have known.” You turned your head to face the sounds’ source. Only to see the reason why so many tears of yours were wasted this day. “So, does this mean our engagement is off? Or shall I be executed for sullying your name?”

Third Princess Kalliope Mikiavella Levantine. If her name was a nightmare then her presence in your life was evermore.

She was your highest paying client. Ever insatiable. Ever spoiled by her mother the Empress. The only saving grace of this whole situation was that she was not the Crown Princess, yet. Otherwise you might have already been made an imperial concubine or consort.

“Unfortunately not.” She smiled, a little solemn in a way to empathize with your situation, but nonetheless ruthless knowing her power. The princess was beautiful, her blazing red hair that curled immaculately lightly bounced in her steps towards you. Bright amber eyes that almost appeared like the dim streetlights.

“I am unclean. Impure. Why would you want someone like me?” You keep your eyes to your legs lest you fall for her beauty. You always looked somewhere else whenever you two slept together. Always in fear that you’ll grow to love your assaulter — captor.

“I . . . do not know. But everytime I hear you sing my heart feels at ease. I want you in my life, [Y/N]. For as long as I live.”

“Think of it this way, as my spouse you will be ruling over the entirety of this country. Every thing, every one, will be yours. Even those parents who sold you to me. And you’ll give that kid a bright future—“

“[Y/N] . . ?”

You do not think before your lips crashed upon hers.

“Athanaxious? Athanaxious! “

Vasileious searched high and low, in every corner of the ocean Athanaxious usually dwelled in. He even swam the shores, close to those wicked human hunters called fishermen to find him. But with no luck.

“Let him be, Vasilei. He’ll come back in due time.” Aurelius, the pair’s eldest brother, comforted him. Aurelius had a beautiful tail of pure gold, unlike the flecked one Vasileious and Athanaxious owned. His hair was a beautiful, long and curly brown with a lock of blond that made it all the more stunning. His tan skin glimmered akin to the surface waters at day, and almost glowed at night.

“Say that when you get scolded by Mother. I dare you.” Vasileious spat, nerves fried from stress. He would have never interacted or approached a human if it weren’t for his stupid younger brother. But now he’d seen several. Do you know how horrid that experience would be for him? It was downright terrible.

Aurelius, ever the only serene one in the family, massaged the small of his brother’s pale back, “You seem on edge. More so than usual.”

“Athanaxious was meeting with a human, Aurelius. A human!”

“Huh, so you finally found out.”

“You knew of it?!”

“All of us did.” Aurelius shrugged, slightly curling his tail as a gesture of ease. “Oh come on, we all know how much of a snitch you are. Besides, Athanei can’t be dissuaded. Telling him not to do something will only make him want to do it more.”

“He used his siren song on them.”

“No way! How did he sound?”

“. . . It sounded — “ Vasileious ashamedly could only remember your own voice that day, unable to give a proper remark he gave a simple, vague response. “alright.”

“How utterly anticlimactic. Although you saying something aside from terrible means it must be good.”

“Make of it what you will.”

“Irenaeus!”

Another merman appeared. Younger than Aurelius but his beauty unlike any of the other brothers. His tail a beautiful ivory color that slowly transitioned to grey and blacks at the tip. Long dark hair and golden eyes. Irenaeus was known to have the biggest body count of all siblings — bringing thousands of humans to their doom. If it weren’t for his carefree attitude and the god he was named after, one would think he loathed humans more than Vasileious himself. “The human Athan was meeting . . .”

“What about them?”

“Apparently they are to be married off to a human princess. Sailors across the ocean have been speaking of it so. And. . . well . . . “

“Spit it out.”

Irenaeus looked left and right, his tail flicking in an anxious manner, “I believe Athanaxious might be meeting with the Sea Witch shortly.”

“What? You didn’t stop him?!” Vasileious screeched. The ocean floor that surrounded them tremors in his cries, large waves rippling, barreling towards land. His two brothers flinched in pain.

“Less time scolding more time on looking for our brother.” Aurelius broke him out of his moment of panic. “Irenei, inform the rest of our family. Vasilei, let us depart.”

Deep within the Abyss of the ocean, Athanaxious found himself swarmed with feverish determination and anger. The pressure of the waters always felt suffocating but now? It was nothing to the looming dread that drowned his heart.

He reaches his destination before his mind could properly think. He thought long ago that the last time he’d come would be that, the last. But here he was again, far more desperate than he was afraid.

“Be welcome, Than.” The low, gravelly voice of the sea devil danced across the murky waters.

“You must know of the happenings on land.”

He comes out of his hiding, long winding tentacles slither across the walls covered with barnacles and seaweed, as He moved towards Athanaxious, “Mm, I’m afraid not. Please enlighten me.”

“Tch. My human. They’re going to marry some rich lady up north. This cannot happen.”

“You want me to help you ruin a wedding?”

“You know the drill. A price for a boon. This will be quite expensi—“

“I offer you my voice.”

The Sea Witch found themself speechless for moments on end. For a siren to sell their voice would be akin to dooming themself to a lonely, wretched existence. Unable to lure their prey or be of any ‘worth’ in their society. They were aware of Athanaxious’ infatuation over you. Just not self-sacrificing extent of it. “…And in exchange for your precious voice I offer you a new identity as a human.”

“Beware, as every step you take will feel like daggers going through your feet. You will however, be the most graceful dancer upon the land. A perfect fit for our little singer.” An apparition appears between the Devil’s fingertips as it flicked across the waters. It was you, on a platform of sorts surrounded by other humans. You were bringing joy to their faces, as you did with him. “Shall I add a wager to spice up the fun?”

It took a lot of willpower for Athanaxious to rip his eyes away from your ‘magical form’ and all he could muster was a nod.

“Should you succeed your voice shall return, and you wouldn’t have to keep giving me your scales to brew love potions. Their heart will be yours forever more, guaranteed by both their feelings in your triumph and my very own magic.” The apparition shifted; Athanaxious appears within the image — human. The two of you looked joyful as you embraced underneath what seemed to be the moon.

But then it all lasts for a second before it shifted once more. The vision of your happy ending swiftly turned bitter as this apparition’s Athanaxious slowly dissolved and disappeared, before you turn to someone else and embrace them instead.

“If you fail to win their affection before the wedding, I will keep your voice and you shall turn into sea foam.”

Athanaxious felt his stomach grow weak at the illusion’s show. Moreso the possibility of your romance with someone else than his death. He only had one choice.

“I understand. I accept both the deal and the wager.”

“Oh, how magnificent! I hope you don’t go on to regret this.” The Sea Devil lips tugged upwards.

“Now, sing for me.”

“Where will you be going?” Kalliope tugged at your sleeves.

“Out. I’ll be back before sundown.” You gently pulled your arm away from your admirer, as you buttoned your clothes and put on a pair of trousers.

“But—“

“My seed must take root for our marriage to be guaranteed, no? Keep your hips raised.”

“Can we go for another bout before you leave?”

You loop your finger around a lock of her hair, lending her a final kiss to the forehead. “No.”

Your town was not one to write about in history books. It was like any other the Empress was able to conquer under her rule. A quaint village just west of the capital city known for their great alcohol and folks to bed.

In such a small population, everyone knew you and you knew everyone. People even knew of your clients, every single one in fact. They weren’t surprised to see you in much more extravagant or expensive clothing as you passed by the street in an equally gaudy carriage.

It was moreso the armored guards that surrounded you that alerted them of something different.

“[Y/N]!”

Clearly that wasn’t enough to deter your childhood friend from running towards you.

“First you impregnate my sister and leave her all alone to take care of your mistake, now you go and get married without a word to us! Do you even care at all?!” The young man wore overalls. Soot covered his skin from what you assume was the mines he started recently working in.

Yiorgos used to be a lot kinder. Softer. Almost puppy like with his admiration towards you. But after a series of misunderstandings he grew resentful of your existence. You never bothered to correct him.

Or perhaps you were just too busy and hurt by his assumptions.

“Out of their highness’s way.” A guard put their arm between you and your former friend.

“Their . . . highness ?” Yiorgos looked at you, baffled. His hung wide open. He then leaned forward to no doubt shout at you once more before you finally put a word in.

“No, I know him.” You shook your head at the guard. Your focus left the man as soon as a familiar mop of [hair color] entered your vision.

A small girl dressed in clothing akin to your own, left Yiorgos’s side and ran up to you with no regard to the armored knight that loomed over. Excitement clear in her eyes. “Don’t listen to your uncle, you aren’t a mistake alright? Go on in, I’ll be with you.” You gently pushed her towards the siblings’ house. The girl shook her head, unwilling to let go of you. But her grip slowly loosened and she eventually shied away, leaving you and the rest.

“Your sister paid me to sleep with her and insisted not to use protection, we both know I pay for that night every single day since it happened both reputation wise and monetarily. And lastly, as you can see I had no choice.” You tilt you head to the small army of knights made to watch over you and your carriage.

Yiorgos shook his head. Brown hair swaying side to side. “You always have a choice.”

“And my choices are life and death. Don’t bother arguing about my situation!”

“Here’s my last payment and goodbye. I’ll be taking the kid with me to the castle soon.” You throw him a bag filled with gold coins and then proceeded to make your leave.

If there was anything you were proud of in your town however, it would be the opera house you worked at. Thousands of people all throughout the world often came here to watch your shows amongst the other singers and performers.

Due to its popularity it was even funded by the Empress directly. That is how you met the princess.

“[Y/N]! I’ve heard the news. Congratulations.” Your employer, Lady Anastasia — a noble woman —, runs her hand in your hair. She used to be a regular person your mother sold you off to until she eventually hired you as a singer at her Opera House. Of course, that didn’t mean she wouldn’t pay you a little extra for your services after hours.

“What’s with the fuss?” You gestured to the boy servants fussing over a young man. Who seemed a little too familiar, nostalgic maybe. You couldn’t quite put a finger on it.

“Oh, we found a young man out on the beach you frequented. We thought it was you at first but upon closer inspection . . .”

“He’s a mute that one. Ain’t no further thing from our theater’s star.” Her Father, a rather old and gruff man, huffed. He was always so prideful of you. Despite his rough demeanor, you knew that he cared deeply. After Anastasia would bed you, he always came by to give you a cup of tea. You didn’t know how to repay the man except use your body, so he’s had a taste of you as well.

In fact, you wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve bedded half of your town and then some.

“Will you keep your scathing remarks to yourself?” Anastasia lightly slapped him, “He is incredibly talented on the art of dance, light on his feet.”

“And weak on constitution. He barely finished a piece before falling to his knees and panting!”

“I’ll take care of him.” You put a hand to your chin. The man gave you a weird feeling in your stomach. Something tells you that the fates have your threads intertwined.

“Are you sure? With all these wedding preparations. . .” The old man grabbed your shoulders, making you flinch.

You unknowingly glared at him.

“Ah, sorry to be so presumptuous.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

You coughed, unsure how to or if you should even apologize. You decide on focusing at the task at hand. A final show before you’re eternally doomed to the Imperial Palace.

“Well then, why is nobody ready?”

©️ hana.no.seiiki - yun | 2023

[sensitive-neuvi-enthusiast]

You're his favorite show (2)

Choso is determined to win that one on one with you. Even going as far as to deny his own pleasure.

Divider: @rookthornesartistry

Content: fem!reader, reader is a camgirl, self pleasure (choso, reader), overstim (Choso), denial mentioned (also choso), pretties (readers name for followers) sex toys(vibrator, faux cock), lots of cum, parasocial behavior forming

Wc: 1.2k

Part one, Part Three

His stomach muscles tensed, another load of cum landing on his tummy as he watched you. Keeping one finger on the heart button, spamming them as quickly as he could. He needed to win. He had to. His finger was cramping, screaming from the awkward position he had it in, but he ignored all pain, all discomfort. Choso had told himself, after your announcement, that he was going to ignore his cock. Even if it was hard, leaking, the tip a flushed red. He would ignore it. And he had, his sole focus was pressing that heart over and over again. He would win if he did this, he was sure of it.

“Gonna make a pretty mess for me?” He heard you purr, your form leaning back in the chair as you held a small bullet vibrator to your clit. He felt like you were speaking directly to him and he'd never deny you. A glob of saliva was immediately spit onto his hand, wrapping around his length. Which is how he ended up coming four times, his hand still stroking his soft cock as he watched you. Twitching with sensitivity.

Fuck. He'd never forgive himself if he lost his one chance to talk to you in private because he couldn't resist you.

Even so, he never stopped pressing the heart. And he continued until your back arched, your arousal coating the toy. Funny how he started to harbor hatred and jealousy towards that little thing. He watched your naked chest rise and fall, a thin layer of sweat covering your skin. Subconsciously, he licked his lips. “Mmm…”you hummed, thumb searching for the button to turn off the toy. And when you pulled it away, he audibly groaned. Watching as a string of slick still connected you to the head of the vibrator. “I see lots of hearts here, pretties. You're gonna make it difficult to choose a winner.” you giggled, sitting forward a little as you scrolled. He held his breath as he awaited the verdict, his dick lying limp against his stomach. He'd clean himself up later.

“Hmmm, it seems that three of you spent and sent the same amount. Megadaddy00, callmepapa, and princ3charming.” His heart thumped when you addressed him but it clenched too, they'd all sent the same amount?

“Guess I'll have to choose,” you gave a pout to your lips. “Sorry pretties, I didn't expect three people to spend..” you looked at the amount, “$1,000 each.” Had he really spent that much? Choso was paying little attention. It's okay, he'd just take extra shifts. “How about this, give me three days mmkay? I'll announce the winner then.”

He would wait. For eternity if he had to, for you.

The next three days passed painfully slow. Especially since longer hours at work meant less time checking your social media. Your website. Anything for an update. He knew you said three days but, isn't he the obvious choice? He didn't want to wait anymore. So when he got home that day, he quickly made his way into his room. Not even bothering to take note of the ‘late rent’ note on the door. You were doing another show tonight. The answer had to come now.

He shrugged off his clothes, settling into bed, pulling out his laptop. As soon as he joined, so did you, your pretty face appearing on his screen.

“Hello, pretties. Thank you for being so patient. I know how much you wanna know who won.” Millions of messages popped up in the corner but he was too focused on you. He couldn't even bring himself away enough to tell you how pretty you looked again today. “I won't draw it out for much longer, the winner is….princ3charming!” You giggled, resting your elbows (and tits) on the table's surface. Did you just say…he won? All the blood drained from his face. His hands shook. Was this really happening?

“I'll call you privately after today's show to set up a time.”

Choso didn't think his heart could beat any louder than what it was currently doing. Thumping harshly against his chest.

Once more, Choso was left panting and sweaty. A mess of cum sitting on his tummy as his hazy eyes watched you. Even more excited now that he knew he'd get to see you. One on one. Talk to you, watch you. A show only for him. Fuck, the thought alone was enough to make him hard again. His spit covered palm slid up and down his length, leaving a mess clinging to his balls. You came too, your pretty pussy spasming around the faux cock you'd been thrusting in and out of you. A shiny sheen of liquid coated the toy when you slipped it out. You hummed, bringing it to your lips. Licking your own arousal off the toy.

“Fuck…fuck…” He whispered, stroking his dick even though it protested, leaving him to come very little. Choso was surprised his balls weren't completely drained yet.

“Thank you for joining, Pretties. And princ3charming? I'll be contacting you soon.” You gave your signature blow kiss before ending it. Choso was left with his mess, eyes glued to the screen as he waited. He wanted to clean up, but what if he missed your call while he did that? Choso couldn't risk it. So he sat in an uncomfortable mess of cum. A small chime came from his laptop, your small picture popping up in the middle.

Holy shit. He looked around nervously, teeth sinking into his lip as he pressed accept. It was just a voice call but fuck, he felt like he could pass out.

“Hello, princ3charming,” you cooed. And he didn't know how it was possible but his dick gave an excited twitch. “Hi…” God his voice sounded rough, scratchy. “Congratulations on your big win! When would you like to accept your prize?” More than anything, he wanted to say right now. To get to watch you lose yourself again. Making a mess that only he could see. But with one look at his poor, trying its best to harden dick, he thought against it. “Tomorrow…?”

“Tomorrow is perfect, around 8 work for you?” He nodded then mentally slapped himself since he knew you couldn't see him. “Yes…it's fine.”

“Wonderful, I'll see you then pretty.” His face heated and his dick jumped, again. And he could feel that you were going to hang up. “Wait!” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I made a mess��like you wanted.” Please be proud of him. Praise him. He loves you so much. You chuckled, “Did you now? You can show me firsthand tomorrow.” He heard a click before the call disconnected. Fuck. It was starting to get painful now, how badly his erection wanted to rise with need. But he couldn't, his poor cock was overused.

This wouldn't do. He needed to be ready for you. To show you, like you'd asked. Which means he'll have to hold off on touching himself until eight. No morning jerk offs to your video or imagining you riding him until you made a mess of him instead of those lackluster toys.

Tomorrow? He'd truly make you notice him.

Taglist: @adanfore, @matchafroggies724, @sabo-has-my-heart

[foozle-woesies]

Lowkey like, what's your take on Dottore's partner dying while he's attempting to treat them. Like this is his thing but he still fails when it really matters to him. Give me your THOUGHTS give me your SORROWS

💉Dottore tries his best to save you.💉

Dottore x GN! Reader headcanons! Dottore is a softie in this one.

Warnings: terminal illness, you literally die, loss of spouse, grief.

Also, while these are headcanons about Dottore and the reader, I’m slightly basing it on my own oc who’s married to Dottore. They went through this. He had bone cancer, so this is kind of implied, but it can be any disease you want… if you want to be that specific.

When Dottore learns that you are sick, not a worry will pass through his mind. He’s the doctor after all, he’s completed all sorts of impossible tasks, and found cures for many mysterious diseases.

He begins to find symptoms he’s never seen before. Again, he’s not worried. He’s dealt with these situations before. With you, though, he doesn’t experiment recklessly. He only does operations/administers medicines he knows will work, and if he tries anything new, he makes sure it’s safe beforehand. You’re special to him, after all.

Weeks, months, years pass… none of it works. The growths grow bigger. Your movement is getting more and more restricted. Your appetite is gone, and your features are sunken in. You lack the energy you once had. He tries to keep making conversation with you, but your responses are minimal- you just don’t have the energy. He knows that. But he just likes to keep talking to you.

At first, Dottore is in denial. “No, you cannot be dying. This is not incurable. There is a fix to this.”. Deep down, he knows this is not true.

After a while, he becomes purely angry. For a short amount of time, he’s angry at you- why the hell are you such a difficult patient? He quickly accepts that it isn’t your fault. He can’t stand to be angry at you in your current state. The anger turns into self-hatred. Why couldn’t he cure you? Why didn’t he catch onto these symptoms sooner?

In your last few days, Dottore is glued to your side. He’s constantly holding your hand, patting your head, rubbing whatever part of you is sore in an attempt to comfort you… he’s doing everything he can for you. He doesn’t let the clones near you, either. You’re his to take care of.

He feels like he’s totally and absolutely failed you. He can’t think of a reason why you’d still love him- he couldn’t fix your issues. Why should you care about him if he was useless? Nonetheless, he’s happy you still want him near you.

Once you’re gone, Dottore becomes numb. He never sees the other harbingers anymore, he lets the clones do every bit of work. When he does have to do stuff, or attend meetings, he half-asses everything he does.

Half of this is guilt. He cannot believe he couldn’t save you in time. Bringing you back as a zombie would just be unethical, something Dottore isn’t concerned about usually… but he cares so much about you, and knows you wouldn’t want that. He feels like a failure in both a work and personal sense.

The other half is grief. He misses you so, so much. He didn’t realize how much he took your presence for granted. Being able to come home to you, your questions about his work, the way he’d hold you… he misses it all. He’s bored with life now. Dottore has lost interest in doing anything but reminiscing.

[rapha-reads]

IWTV rewatch

Season 1 episode 2 [... After the Phantoms of Your Former Self] - part 3/3

- Love how Grace knows it's not just a case of a baby crying, she knows her brother, she knows her brother is different, she knows he baby could very well be in danger. That's sibling and maternal instincts in one.

[Louis] "'I had him in my arms... And I was ready to tear into him. I'm never gon' get control over it.' [Lestat] 'You've been skipping meals lately. Don't think I haven't noticed.'" - notice how Lestat immediately cares for Louis, worries about him, and tries to comfort him, only for Louis, Saint Louis, to reject the gesture of comfort because he thinks in his self-hatred that he doesn't deserve it? And also notice how pretty a crier Jacob is. Ahem. Who said that.

[Lestat] "'If you love your family, as I know you do, spare them all the pain that you are causing them.' [Louis] 'I ain't gon' have a family of my own, am I? No sons, no daughters.' [Lestat] 'I'm your family, Louis.' [Louis] 'You should just throw me in the incinerator and make another one.' [Lestat] 'And what a waste that would be. I have two centuries walked this Earth and can report: you have no twin. No one as angry, as stubborn, as unaccommodating, as maddening...' [Louis] 'Sounds like trash to me.' [Lestat] '... as loving, as dedicated, as thoughtful, as imperfectly perfect as you've become. You're a challenge every sunset, Saint Louis, and I'd have it no other way.'"

HI EXCUSE ME WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO PLAY WITH MY HEART LIKE THAT. No because it's Louis' dream of having a family (Claudiaaaaaaa - also give Lestat like a century or two more and he'll give you exactly that) meeting Louis' depression and self-hatred, meeting Lestat's need to be love, meeting Lestat's absolute, deep love for Louis. They're not speaking the same language still, but they've found a middle ground, and when they do strike the middle ground, it's sparks and magic. Aaaah, it is maddening! They are maddening. I don't even remember what I wanted to say, I'm just sobbing in my cup of tea.

Wait, no I remember. EXCUSE ME. Louis' hopelessly fond smile when Lestat shows the tuxedos and says "I've been neglectful of our romance" (currently sobbing even more) reminded me. Awards for Jacob to go that soft after being that down. Back to the previous exchange. It's about how soft Lestat's voice goes when he tells Louis he'd have him no other way, and it's about how Louis finally lets Lestat comforts him and how he softens, relaxes and calms down gradually as Lestat keeps talking and petting him. *screams* Need I add more? No? Carrying on.

- [Louis] "He had a way about him, those first few years, Lestat. Preternaturally charming, occasionally thoughtful. He was my murdered, my mentor, my lover, and my maker... all of those things at once. He didn't choose me to be his doormat. I knew he enjoyed it when I fought back, but there was present a kind of worship on my part. The earth beneath me always felt liquid."

*screams some more* Was the romantic background music really necessary? We get it. You loved him, you still love him but this time with both eyes open even though you're still in denial, he's the love of your life, we get iiiiiiiiiit. Daniel's fond but amused little smirk gets me. Boy knows vampire's pining. Boy knows vampire's dumb. Boy knows story's not that simple. Changing subject, petition to get the word "preternatural" BANNED please. That's one word I'm not happy to have learned. Even in French we just stick to "surnaturel" (supernatural). Also according to Collins Dictionary, the use of the word "preternatural" was kinda low until the late 70s- early 80s when it exploded. Wonder what happened then to change the trend. What a mystery. Guess we'll never know.

- ghghhghe THE OPERA SCENE. I had forgotten the opera scene. The scheme to get Louis into the room (role-playing as Lestat's valet, hello social commentary). Louis sitting there "simmering in his indignation", and Jacob's masterful acting with the jaw and fists clenching, the steely eyes fixed straight ahead. And then Lestat coming in with the hammer, voice soft and gaze downcasted, timid and apprehensive:

[Lestat] "There is one thing about being a vampire that I most fear above all else... and that is loneliness. You can't imagine the emptiness... a void stretching out for decades at a time. You take this feeling away from me, Louis. We must stay together and take precaution and never part."

I NEED A MINUTE, GEEZ. To comment again on the timeline change from late 18th century to 1910s, it actually adds to Lestat's character. In the books, when Lestat meets Louis, he hasn't been a vampire for more than 15 years, iirc he was brought into the Blood in 1780 and arrived in New Orleans in 1791, after spending some years traveling with Gabrielle, a few months at best sleeping in the sand and then a few days with Marius (dates are vague at best). So he hasn't known true loneliness so far when he turns Louis. Whereas here, he's gone through the entire 19th century alone. He actually knows loneliness, both the human kind that he knew in the book, and the vampire kind. It adds weight to his fear of being alone, and to how he clings to Louis even to the point of doing horrifying things to keep him with him. Is it emotional manipulation? Yeah, def. Mais on n'en est plus à ça prés avec eux (best translation I can come up with is: but we're already way past that with them; the French expression is much more evocative, it kind of means "yeah, but, with them, emotional abuse is the least of our worries, something like that).

The hand caress, be right back, need to set myself on fire.

[Louis] "And music, that was where Lestat separated man from food" - music is the language of the soul. (Rockstar Lestat wheeeeeeeen)

[Louis] "Music pierced his damned soul. And any humans who were involved with the creation of it existed on an elevated plane in his eyes. I was moved to see he too had his human attachments. And this woman sang for us, it seemed, articulating the difficult love we often had trouble expressing ourselves."

No but it's the way Louis' voice is just so full of love here, so soft and fond and reminiscing, as if he doesn't even realise how tenderly he's speaking of Lestat a century later, while 1917's Louis' face is equally as soft and fond and gazing tenderly at Lestat as Lestat's singing to himself. *scream cont'd*

Lestat reacting to the tenor's false notes: absolute ear Lestat. (tho tbh even I can hear how horrendous the tenor sounds, and I know next to nothing about music technicality - but I did went to the opera last week for the first time in several years and the tenor was fantastic)

[Louis] "The hunt was on" - yes please.

[Louis] "This poor soul was someone's son, someone's brother, and he was to be slaughtered for what? A false note?" - aw, Louis' humanity. Baby you're too good.

Hi, excuse me again, Lestat speaking Italian? Sam speaking Italian???? SO FUCKING GOOD. Petition to have Sam speak Italian again in season 3, and even more languages. Wanna hear him speak Greek and Arabic please oh my vampire gods make it happen.

[Louis] "'Why do you do this, Lestat?' [Lestat] 'Well, I like to do it. I enjoy it.' [Louis] 'Well, I don't. You don't have to humiliate him.' [Lestat] 'Well I don't say that you have to enjoy it! Kill them swiftly if you have to, but DO IT! Embrace what you are! You are a killer, Louis!'"

Was tempted to put all of Lestat's line in all caps, because man the shift from gallant speaking Lestat to losing-his-shit-ROARING Lestat was something. Oh, and here's the main current issues as of 1917 between them. And while they're having their little domestic squabble, a man's bleeding on the poor rug that didn't ask for it. The rug, that is. Not the man.

[Louis] "I was in denial. For in bringing death, Lestat was an artist. He had cut the man tenderly so that he could not call for help, but also so that his death was slow, meditative. And I felt a charge, witnessing it."

Listen, Lestat's an artist, period. A diva and a drama queen with several truckloads of issues, but a true artist. And again Louis' voice go soft, contemplative, tender, reminiscing about Lestat. Also, Louis, mate, the denial has been going on for more than a century at this point and not just about the subject of death and killing. Sorry to burst your bubble. Oh, and Daniel looking down, a bit disappointed I feel? as Louis describes Lestat killing, shows that Daniel's in on it too.

- [Louis] "I try to have a human dish once a week" - sorry, what? Big canon change, as far as I understood from the books, vampires can't eat or drink human food, their system isn't designed for it anymore.

Alright, do we think Alice is a construct of Daniel's mind through Armand's mind games, or do we think she's real? Haven't entirely followed the fandom's theories on this own. Do we think that Armand did stalk and traumatise Daniel for a decade after the botched '73 interview but didn't go full Devil's Minion? Or do we think he left him alone after the six days of torture? Guess season 3 will tell us. But the fact that this important little scene, of the dessert and the first proposal, happens in Paris, a city that's important to Armand... Sus, I say. Aw, Danny's a sad boy. Love Louis' face as Daniel finished talking, gives cred to the idea that these are fabricated memories. The face says "man, I'm reading your thoughts as you're speaking, and something here's fishy, something doesn't make sense, but you know what, right now I have enough on my plate with my own bullshit, can't deal with yours". Let's table it for now (that's my own "disregard", lmao). Should add screencaps to these reviews, the final image here, the long dinner table, the grey and brown coloring, the two men sitting on opposite side, that's right out of a painting. Someone who did Art History, analyse that final image.

Ooooh, I think next episode was one of my favorite, with Antoinette, Jonah, and almoooost Claudia.

episode 1 | part 1 | part 2 | episode 3 | episode 4 | episode 5 | episode 6 | episode 7

[cintax3rror]

Good Morning Tumblr

I haven't done an analysis post in a little bit but I have gotten into Mystic Messenger again recently, now that I finally have enough to do 707's route, I'm late, I know...

This analysis may have already been realized by people years ago BUT I DONT CARE I LOVE SEVEN AND WOULD LIKE TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS WITH THE CLASS ok ty and ofc

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SPOILERS BELOW FOR 707'S ROUTE IF YOU'RE LATE LIKE ME >_0

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So this is about 707's robot dog that spits fire,

This dog was made by Seven because he simply couldn't focus, this dog is brought up again in the chat below.

Seven has feelings for MC by this point, he built this robot to distract himself from these feelings, love had been foreign to him up until this point. He doesn't like it and wants to push it away. That being said however, he only doesn't like it because he CAN'T be in love. While he would LIKE to have a life where he could be in love... he can't because of his job as a hacker who deals with a lot of dangerous situations, if he fell in love it wouldn't just be him that's in jeopardy, his love would be too. Furthermore, now that he's in love with MC, he's refusing it to not have her in harm's way. Even though he refuses to talk about his feelings, straight up denying it, he still doesn't hide his feelings totally. When I say that it's pretty obvious like duh Cintax there's context clues everywhere that he likes MC I get that but what I mean is I think he QUITE LITERALLY built his feelings. Remember that robot dog? It's a cute little thing but it's angry and spitting out fire. I may be heavily reaching here from this point on but stick with me, this dog, I think, is a manifestation of Seven right now. More specifically, his feelings. The dog is supposed to be a representation of how his feelings have made him the complete opposite of how he normally acts. Seven likes cats, no, that's an understatement, he LOVES cats. But the choice to make him build a dog instead speaks more volume to me... why would a cat obsessed person... build a dog instead? I know he doesn't HATE dogs (I think) but it's still a weird choice, why would the devs make him build a dog instead of a cat? If he wants to distract himself wouldn't he want to do that by building something he LOVES? Dogs have been seen as the complete opposite of cats for years before this one, as this is apparent, Seven is acting the complete opposite of himself BECAUSE of his feelings for MC. This dog is him, the complete opposite of himself who is a cat lover, he's completely lost because of his feelings and he hates it. The dog is spitting out fire, looking furious, he hates the fact he's in love and is in such a state of confusion and denial. He's so confused why he keeps worrying about her, why he keeps thinking about her, why he wants to hear her voice.

This kind of concept, he wants to enjoy it so much but because of his job he feels he can't indulge. Cutting back to the chatroom, Yoosung says, "Don't throw away the robot..." the reason as to why Yoosung cares about the dog so much is a bit blurry but I can read this as Yoosung saying "Don't throw away your feelings..." if we lean more into the assumption that this dog is a manifestation of Seven's feelings. This puts a whole new perspective. Yoosung doesn't want Seven to turn or toss away his feelings, he wants the opposite. Previously, I don't have screenshots for this one but when this dog is first brought up, some group members talk about how Seven should give MC the dog. And going with the metaphor I'm running with, this could be seen as a metaphor of Seven giving all his feelings to MC, messy part and all, it also shows the fire with how dangerous he is, part of his true self, almost nothing like how he was before due to his hatred towards his own heart.

Don't throw away your feelings Seven, though it feels like you have to.

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Idk if this is gonna be brought up later I JUST got done with day 8 as I finish writing this... help me. Who knew you needed a heart made out of netherite to survive this damn route I'M IN SHAMBLES OVER HERE. I KNEW THERE WAS MORE TO HIM BUT ???????????

Anyway, if you really read allat,, thank you, you're cool >_0

To patch the hole, here's some silly cats and until next time >_0!!

[multi-fan-girlie]

The man behind the badge pt1

Authors note: I've seen people asking for Ralvez with internalized homophobia so here's part ones :)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

pairing: Spencer Reid x Luke Alvez

genre: hurt?/angst?

Summary: spencer is in denial about his sexuality and takes it out on luke (idk how to summarise it tbh)

word count: 1013

Part two | part three

Spencer Reid had always been a brilliant and dedicated member of BAU. Known for his intellect and marvellous profiling skills, he was highly respected by his colleagues and feared by the criminals he helped put behind bars. But there was one aspect of his life that he kept hidden from everyone… his sexuality.

For years, Spencer had struggled with his internalised homophobia,he was unable to accept the fact that he was attracted to men. Growing up in a conservative household, he had been told that being gay was wrong and something to be ashamed of. So when he started developing feelings for his new teammate, Luke Alvez, he was overcome with confusion and self-hatred.

Spencer tried to push his feelings aside, burying them deep within himself. But the more he tried to deny them, the stronger they became. He found himself constantly thinking about Luke, his handsome features and charming personality. He couldn't deny the attraction he felt towards him, but he also couldn't accept it.

As a defence mechanism, Spencer became snarky and abrasive towards Luke, hoping to push him away. He would make snide remarks and swear, something that was completely out of character for him. The whole team noticed the change in Spencer's behaviour, and they were all worried.

Rossi was the least concerned, boiling it down to Spencer finally growing a backbone after prison and most of the team thought the same, but Penelope, was particularly concerned. She had always been close to Spencer, and she could see that something was eating away at him. She decided to take matters into her own hands and called Derek, who had left to start a family.

Derek rushed back to the BAU, concerned for his friend. He was shocked to see the usually calm and collected Spencer acting so out of character. He watched as Spencer snapped at Luke, who seemed taken aback by the sudden change in his teammate's behaviour.

'What's going on,pretty ricky?' Derek asked,Spencer turned around hearing this nickname from derek.

Spencer was taken aback by Derek's sudden appearance. He had always looked up to Derek and valued his opinion.

'Nothing, I'm fine,' Spencer replied, his tone defensive and bitchy.

Derek knew there was more to it, but he didn't want to push Spencer. He decided to talk to Luke instead, hoping to get some answers. Luke was surprised when Derek pulled him aside, but he was more than happy to talk to him.

'I'm worried about you Spencer,' Derek said, getting straight to the point. ‘Why you left 8 months ago or something?’ The unspecified date gave Derek even more to worry about due to Spencer normally begging accurately ‘just 8 months?’

‘Yes just 8 months…3 days 14 hours ago oh fine i missed you alright’ spencer mumbled as he looked down at his file as derek grins 'there's the soft guy i knew’

Luke was taken aback by Spencer’s words. He had noticed the change in Spencer's behaviour towards him, but he had no idea why. He had always thought they had a good working relationship, and he couldn't understand why Spencer was suddenly being so bitchy to him.

Derek smiles ‘right tell me what’s going on here why are you being snarky to luke?’ spencer averted his eyes down to the file ‘i am not being fucking snarky derek’

‘Then what was that you've never once said the f-bomb in the years i've known you’ Derek sat and Luke walked off wondering if his presence is making it harder for Spencer to open up to derek.

‘I'll ask again spence…what's going on with you tell me what's going on in that big brain of yours’ derek spoke softly inadvertently pulling spencers walls down ‘i…i’ spencer’s voice went quiet and quivering  ‘i..i…i like him derek i..erm…i like like’ spencer's eyes were rimmed red the tears he was hiding flooding his face.

Derek's usual smug smile drops ‘is this your way of saying you're gay??’ spencer nods and gasps quietly as derek wraps him in a tight suffocating hug and speaks quietly ‘don’t cry spencer i love you and i accept you’ derek stands there holding spencer as luke comes back quietly and stands there next to jj and emily ‘what the hell happened’ luke said quietly.

Emily leans a little closer ‘spencer is gay he's just admitted it to der- wait’ she  turns to jj and gives her the look and jj speaks quietly ‘luke…i think spencer likes you but..he's in denial about it’

Lukes face burns red as he gives a tight-lipped smile his own battle starting in his mind. Does he stay silent about his bisexuality? He's not felt close enough to the team to tell them it's always been personal to him… 

‘Cool…i guess’ is all that fell from luke’s lips and he already wanted to kick himself  cool is that all i could think of stupid luke you could have said something else! 

Emily laughs quietly ‘cool? Just cool? No “omg i never knew he liked me i need to let him down gently”  your odd guy luke’ 

Luke groaned in thought he loved spencer but he didn't want to make work weird ‘emily please stop it there's alot about me you dont know’ jj smiles and pokes his side ‘ooo what's got into you are you annoyed luke’

Luke just sighed as he watched spencer leave with derek to get a coffee and calm down the sound of spencer’s sniffles broke luke's heart but he kept his feelings silent and unshowing

What feels like hours past realistically it was an hour and a half but spencer comes back his tears gone his signature tight lipped smile as he sits back at his desk as luke walks over and sits on the edge of his desk ‘hey spencer…i was wondering if you wanted to go out some time?’ luke smiles shyly  as spencer just keeps his snarky attitude ‘im not gay luke now fuck off’ lukes heart sinks into his ‘but you-…nevermind you keep deining it’

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@wheelsup30 I think I saw you posting abt this or smt just thought I should tag you x :)

[dotthings]

Anybody who believes that blatantly overt statements on queerness puts an end to antis being antis is wrong.

Misha’s very declarative statement resulted in homophobic antis tripling down on their denialism and their hatred.

Yet now…according to some in the Destiel lane, it’s all Jensen’s fault homophobic denialist antis won’t shut the hell up and go touch some grass. And that he deserves the hate he gets flung at him from the Destiel side.

Jensen is supportive. Some people just don’t want to listen. Including some Jensen stans, and any Jensen stan who bulldozes right past how supportive Jensen is to continue to invalidate or attack or hate on Misha for his support of queer Cas isn't a Jensen fan in my eyes.

And with some Misha stans, because Jensen doesn’t talk in the blunt way Misha goes, and his perspective isn’t exactly Misha’s, they fling accusations at him and deny his allyship. From Destiel shippers, what those people want is for Jensen to be a Misha clone. If it’s not just like how Misha does it’s not enough or it didn’t happen. They want Misha, not Jensen.

This ceaseless “why can’t you be Misha” attitude from some Destiel accounts is exhausting.

But also the erasure of Jensen’s supportiveness is a problem.

When it's from Jared stans, and even a few Jensen stans use these tactics, it's from an agenda of hate. They stick their fingers in their ears and pretend Jensen hasn't shown the support he has, and use him to validate their own biases and hatred and queer erasure and denialism.

Denial of Jensen's supportiveness is a tactic used by antis, including people who are anti Jensen.

Stop helping them.

Antis want to weaponize him against Destiel or queer Cas or queer Dean in ways that contradict how Jensen actually rolls. Or there’s the goalpost moving or downright lies antis tell to deny his supportiveness. Things like pretending Jensen wasn’t actually in the room while Misha filmed Cas’s confession and that Jensen himself didn’t tell us all how he was so caught up in the emotional power of Misha’s performance and the story that he forgot his lines or pretending Jensen’s visible enthusiasm for 15.18 displayed on con panels or an EW video interview didn’t happen.

Or Jensen and Misha showing each other fan reaction videos of the confession scene. Or Jensen asking a crew member to film him and Misha filming, so he could have that for posterity…but also because of fears of what might wind up on the cutting room floor. In the end, Cas’s “I love you” made it to air, despite the worries.

Misha, Jensen, Bobo, and Speight are the chief architects, makers, and supporters of the confession scene.

Jensen is currently the spn boss over the spn universe. Misha being able to speak more openly on CE con stages of late about queer Cas, instead of just on local comic con circuits in the US and Europe, and Misha saying whatever he wants about Cas’s queerness on social media, is sanctioned by Jensen, Danneel, and CMP.

Misha is doing this with Jensen’s support.

Jensen has protected people’s bi Dean lenses, and Destiel lenses, while antis shriek that it’s gross and disgusting and delusional and Dean absolutely cannot be anything except straight or it’s an abomination and if you say Dean is bi you’re evil. Jensen is the one who has enclosed bi Dean and Destiel in right to interpretation and has been respectful and mindful of the importance of those readings while antis wave hatred and homophobia and queer erasure and shaming of queer readings around in his name, and he takes the blame for it. I know his style of support isn’t considered "enough" to some but more blatant statements won't stop antis.

Which was just self-evidently demonstrated yet again.

The overt declarations, such as Misha’s, do not shut antis up and they are not there for antis. Stop making them about antis.

If you want to waste your time directly fighting with bigots over Cas and Dean’s queerness, hey you do you, but don’t turn around and then blame Jensen for the existence of the bigots.

And couldn’t people just, idk, appreciate what Misha did without making it about Jensen, without turning on Jensen, without the Jensen jokes, the Jensen accusations?

How about stop pulling attention away from the good of what Misha does because you’re salty about Jensen?

[cosmica-galaxy]

Heya! Weirdlysimp ‘ere!

Technically two asks in one but ignore it if you are not talking asks I just have to get off my chest

What if the MadCom characters react to chubby Player? And how would they react to the Player being negative about their body

I am only saying this because I am insecure of my own body and I am on the chubby side too

Ps. Keep up the good work! And remember to take breaks for yourself and eat and drink

That’s okay, weirdlysimp! I’m a bit on the heavier side too, so I feel you when one can feel down about themselves. Especially when they feel bad about their appearance. So here’s your request~! I’ve probably missed a few and these are kinda little drabbles for each, but I will do what I can! Word count: 3,421 It’s a chonkster, folks!

~~ The Madcom Cast with a Chubby Player ~~

- HANK - First thing’s first…Who made you hate yourself? He’s going to fucking kill them. You are the sweetest and kindest Player that Nevada could ever need. Who would even fucking THINK about making you feel so bad for your extra fluff and squishiness? How bad did your world treat you that they damaged your self-esteem?? Hank doesn’t tolerate you talking bad about yourself. How could you be heavy? You’re light as a cloud to him! How can you be so disgusted by your body? You make the perfect cuddle buddy and squishy pillow for him to nap with! You think you’re the weakest, but you have the most powers in all beings in Nevada, including the employers! He cuts you off before you go down into a spill about how much you feel embarrassed that their Player looks like this or that and he merely picks you up and carries you over to a seat and sits down with you in his lap. Hush. You’re not crushing him. Sit there with him while he cuddles you and makes those bad feelings leave you alone. He lets you cry and he keeps comforting you until eventually all of your energy is spent spilling all of your emotions out to him. Now you sleep in his strong arms, and he gets to snuggle his perfectly soft and snuggable Player. He won’t let those thoughts of self-hatred bother you here. - DEIMOS - Okay, who the FUCK is insulting you when they’re not around? They’re a fucking dead man walking if Deimos has anything to say about it! How did your world treat someone as wonderful as you so fucking poorly?? You’re a wonderful Player and you’re even more beautiful in person than in those photos! Who would do such acts of cruelty towards his precious Player?! Deimos listens to how you view yourself and he can’t help but frown and shake his head in denial. No, you’re not unsightly or unattractive. Whoever said those cruel and untrue things about you deserves to have their face punched in! You’re sweet and squishy and so what if you got some extra weight on you? That’s none of their fucking business! Look, he loves you the way you are and if you have a desire to ‘look better’ or ‘get healthier’, Deimos can help! He’ll try in any way or fashion to make you happy! He may have his own bad habits, namely his excessive smoking, but yours is still fixable! And look! That’s already something you’ve accomplished! You don’t smoke, so you’re already healthier! Deimos merely cracks jokes to cheer you up and takes a nice opportunity to give you snuggles and close cuddles when he butters you up enough with his charm. No Player of his will have a rain cloud of depression over their head for long while he’s still breathing. - SANFORD - The moment you start spilling your self-hatred to him, Sanford immediately cracks his knuckles and looks around for any lingering perpetrators that upset his Player. Sanford continues to listen as you finally vocalize about your insecurities and how it must be so embarrassing for all of your vessels to see such a powerful being like yourself look so “ugly” and “hideous”. Every negative word about your body that spills from your mouth makes Sanford crease his brow and bend his lips in disapproval. Finally, he couldn’t take the self-beating anymore and picks you up, ignoring your worries that you’ll be hurting his back if he carried you, and he takes you inside the base and past the others who look on in worry as they see his Player in tears. He goes to his and Deimos’s shared bedroom and closes the door. Sitting down on the lumpy mattress that he sleeps on, he lays down with you and brings you in nice and close. Sanford was normally so stoic when he was around others, but once he was alone, his facial expression softened. He doesn’t like when his Player is upset about their appearance. Especially when it’s about something as lovely as their appearance. He highlights all of the benefits of your body, by cuddling, squishing, and hugging you close as he compliments your feel and your softness. To go with this body, a nice and sweet personality to boot? Why would he want anything else? You’re perfect for a Player, no matter how you look. Those people back in your world were nothing but unimportant assholes, they had nothing better to do than point out the flaws in others. He reassures you and holds you close as you sniffle. After all the crying subsides, Sanford presses you close to himself and allows you to fall asleep on his chest. To which you thank him and he nods. Anything for you, his dearest thicc Player. - DOC - Doc was rather suspicious about your behavior during your check ups. You always seemed so apprehensive about certain tests or…physicals. You never really vocalized your discomfort until one day you simply made a passive comment about trying to lose weight, which made Doc quirk his brow in response. Doc didn’t have to prod you much until you admitted that you were always anxious because you were nervous about your weight. Something he now knows that you’re rather self-conscious about. He listens as you slowly crack and then break down, spilling out all your anxieties and self-repulsive comments about how you were probably so embarrassing to look at and how you didn’t “fit the ideal look” of the most powerful creature in all of Nevada. It was a mixture of other peers from your world making comments and one unfortunate bandit that threw a weight-involved insult your way…which led them to being quickly dispatched by your vessels. But still, it must’ve struck a sore spot in your heart which reignited your worries about your weight and appearance. Doc reassures you that your weight is not an issue. Of course, if it was in excess amounts, he wouldn’t support such a thing. But your state wasn’t even CLOSE to the obesity threshold that made him concerned about your health. You exercised, ate right, slept well, and went on missions with your vessels regularly, so you definitely weren’t being negligent with your health. It’s just a logical assumption that your body handles things differently. Doc even furthers his support by verbalizing his compliments about your body, within reason. Such as how you’re very nice to hug and cuddle, or how you were nice and warm to touch, or even how your appearance was merely the outer skin of your beauty. You couldn’t help but blush, as Doc does the same under his mask, and you thank the doctor. He even offers you a nutrition plan if you would like to lose a bit more weight, but it would be YOUR choice. He would gladly work towards whatever goal you set for yourself. It doesn’t matter to him. He likes you just the way you are. - TRICKY - WHO DOES CLOWN HAVE TO KILL FOR MAKING HIS PLAYER SAD?!!? Tricky is hilariously as upset as you are once you admit that you felt so horrible about your appearance and body. He startles you by screaming at the surrounding area for the coward that insulted you to come out and face him before he goes after them, which entices a small laugh out of you in response. You clarify to Tricky nobody insulted you…then. You just fell into a spiral about self-hatred because you just happened to be looking at a reflective surface and felt self-conscious. Just as you did back in your realm. Tricky scrunches up his face in response and hisses. “WHERE DO CLOWN FIND THEM?! CLOWN WILL DEAL WITH THEM! >:((“ You just laugh and say it’s from some time ago and you just…thought about it. You further explain that you assumed that the most powerful being in Nevada would look much more…better. Hotter. Sexier? Someone that didn’t look like you. You trail off as Tricky shakes in place, making you give him a confused look. Then, he reaches out and pulls you tight against himself, making you flinch and blink in surprise. “NO! CLOWN LIKES THIS PLAYER! CLOWN DO NOT CARE FOR OTHER PLAYERS! CLOWN WANTS THIS ONE! CLOWN LIKE THE SOFTNESS! CLOWN LOVE THE SQUISHINESS! CLOWN <3 THE EDIBLE FLESH! OTHERS ARE MORONS! CLOWN KILL OTHER MORONS! CLOWN ONLY LOVE YOU! CLOWN LOVE YOU LOTS!! :DDD”

You couldn’t help but allow your blush to deepen in red as Tricky says more and more positive things about what he liked about you. Even rubbing his face against your flesh in adoration which brought tears to your eyes. You could help but snivel and laugh lightly in response at the zeds enthusiasm. “CLOWN KNOW CLOWN DO NOT SAY MUCH NICE THINGS, BUT CLOWN LOVES PLAYER A LOT! CLOWN WANTS PLAYER TO BE HAPPY WITH CLOWN AND CLOWN WILL MAKE SURE PLAYER IS LOVED! BECAUSE CLOWN <3 PLAYER NO MATTER WHAT!! :))” You could only rub him affectionately as you tell him thank you for his praise and doing his best to make you feel better about yourself. The clown merely cackles in response. Which entices another laugh out of you as well. - JEB - 

Jeb had taken notice that you were being quieter than usual when you both would go about your missions together. Then once you both managed to get some downtime with one another, he finally pops the question about why you weren’t being as sociable as you usually are. You try to brush it off, but Jeb is persistent. Finally, you let a tear slip out before more follow and you finally admit that you were feeling like Jeb could’ve had any other Player, putting words in his mouth that he should’ve got someone better. Someone smarter, more skilled, and much more attractive. Jeb was confused and eventually you elaborate about how you felt so bad about yourself and how you could’ve put more effort into being something worthy of being a “god” in Nevada. You weren’t “godlike” ,you just had more abilities and powers than anyone else. You didn’t have the looks, the attitude, nor the personality of such a high being. You were a disgrace to such a title just by association. Jeb denies this as he pulls you over to a seating area and has you both sit down as you begin to cry. Jeb wasn’t as…socially inclined as he could be. He wasn’t that good at comforting others, let alone comforting someone while they’re crying. ESPECIALLY if that someone is a person who he…lusts for from time to time. So, he tries his best to combat your negative views with more positive ones. You were lovely to hug, able to warm others with just an embrace, you were the softest person he knew, and you weren’t just warm and soft on the outside, you were also warm and soft on the inside. Jeb reminds you that you have a kind heart, possibly one of the few remaining ones in all of Nevada even! You try to not get violent with others and want to try and solve their problems non-violently. Something Jeb greatly admires about you. If there’s one thing he believes that a God needs to be…it’s kind and compassionate. He doesn’t care about what’s primarily on the surface, you have a heart of priceless gold and he will always value that. Your extra fluff is just a bonus to him. You blink in surprise at Jeb and can’t help but grin as he wipes away the tears that leak from your eyes. You hug him close, which he wholefully welcomes, as you thank him graciously for cheering you up and pulling you out of your negative spiral. Jeb can only merely nod as he holds you close. Allowing your warmth and softness to squeeze against his being. It was his duty to keep his Player happy, after all. - SHERIFF - The Sheriff is surprised by your prolonged absence as he goes looking for you throughout the compound. Finding you quietly sobbing in your private quarters, all alone. Upon knocking, you jump and try to pretend everything was okay, but Sheriff honestly doesn’t buy it as he steps in and closes the door. There’s a momentary struggle of stubbornness between you both as you feign being fine and him pressing more and more. Finally, your facade cracks and you let out a couple of sobs telling him about how much you were so ‘fucking ugly’ and how you shouldn’t be anyone’s Player. You were just some typical overweight gamer, what was so special about you? The Sheriff comes around to take his place at your side as you spill more and more nonsense about how you were worthless and an embarrassment to whoever had to have you as their Player. You weren’t a god and you didn’t look like one. Nevada deserved a better Player than you. Sheriff argues this and denies it. He explains that those yellow-bellies that picked on you in the other world were simply cowards, through and through. The moment you brandish a weapon at them, they would run for the hills. To which you squeak out a laugh and explain that anyone would do that in your world. The Sheriff continues his point by explaining that anyone who’s worth a damn in Nevada can defend themselves. Even weaklings. But true cowards turn tail and run from a fight, no matter how easy. That’s what he says as he reaffirms this by hugging you close and continuing to deny the negative remarks. No, nobody is born perfect. That’s a fact. HE used to be cowardly (he still is), but he’s toughened up since the early days. You don’t survive if you’re not strong. That’s what you are. Strong! You’ve dealt with shit and put up with others and you’ve been rewarded with the position of power as a Player. In his opinion, you deserve it. You can’t help the sobs that come from you as you embrace the Sheriff and thank him for his encouragement as he nods along, rubbing your back and giving you as much comfort and time as you need. He’ll always be here if his Player needs a shoulder to lean on. He promises. - PHOBOS - WHO DARED TO CAUSE HIS PRECIOUS PLAYER TO WEEP?!! Phobos was easily enraged by the sight of his Player weeping actual TEARS when he walked into his office. Finding them watching the rain patter against the windows with their own little water droplets dripping down from their eyes. The moment they take notice that they aren't alone anymore, they try to brush it under the rug as he stomps over. The Player barely has time to let out a squeak as Phobos grabs their face in his hands and demands he tell them the identity of the grunt that caused them to cry. You struggle to explain that you weren’t crying about a grunt or anything, just ‘something stupid’. He pleads for you to tell him and that if you were shedding tears about it then it couldn’t possibly be just ‘something stupid’. Eventually, you meekly admit that you had started thinking about how Phobos deserved a better god then you. Which makes the Director pause. You continue to explain that someone as handsome as him deserved someone as equally as attractive. About how repulsive you felt you looked and how it must’ve been embarrassing to stand next to you and claim that you worshiped…this. This…ugly creature. Phobos is quick to shoot down such degrading comments by arguing that no matter how you looked, you were still stronger than anyone else. But you continue to badger yourself by whimpering out how you still looked ungod-like and how Phobos deserves better. To be a prettier god’s acolyte. Phobos huffs and picks you up, making another squeak come from you as you both sit down on his office chair. He wraps his long crimson cape around you and once again repeats his denial. No. No other god deserves his attention, unlike you. You were perfect in his eye. You were the strongest out of them all, so why even take their opinions into account? And given how you haven’t destroyed the disrespectful tripes, they should be groveling at your feet from how kind you are being! If you wanted to, you could rip anyone to pieces with your strings, but you don’t. Because you are kind, benevolent, sweet, and merciful. A god like you…a BEING like you actually existing in NEVADA is such a rarity. “If nothing else, their focus on your outer appearance is nothing short of disrespectful and shallow. Something you aren’t. Which is why I worship you! Why I hail you! Why you deserve nothing but praise! You could look as beautiful as a glittering gem, but have a horribly tainted personality. You’re a humble god with humble virtues. Which is why I adore you and follow you. You are not fake and you are genuine. You deserve my praise and my loyalty, because there’s nobody else I would trust more than you.” Phobos preaches. You couldn’t help but blink and then sob and nuzzle your face into his chest, which he welcomes wholeheartedly. Keeping you wrapped up in his crimson cape until you calmed down and relaxed. Phobos stays there, allowing you to doze off on him as he silently watches the rain splatter against the window panes. The skies may cry all they want…but never his Player. - AUDITOR - Having watched you for the longest, the Auditor was already aware of your own self-hatred. Watching your streams and seeing some disgustingly venomous commenters talking about how you needed to exercise more and stop playing games and “go outside to touch grass”, the Auditor feels his non-existent teeth grind as you try your best to ignore them. But he can still see the hurt in your eyes. This further increases his intent to seize you from your world. As the populace of your dimension were merely cruel and needlessly ruthless towards you. Despite all the kind things you did for others and even charities. The world didn’t deserve you. You needed to be protected from such disgusting lesser beings. Then once he arrives to take you away from your cruel reality, he couldn’t have felt more satisfied when he spirits you away to Nevada. It takes some time for you to get used to them, but once you do, the Auditor is pretty much inseparable. Your strings aren’t rough or automatic like they were when you were on the other side of their universe. They flowed and attached to him gently and tenderly, almost as if your strings reflected your soft personality. Speaking of softness, you were perfect to lean on when he was doing work at his desk. Your soft and supple flesh molding around his shadowy form like a pillow as he made sure to let you know how much he liked it. Despite not being a grunt, he still finds himself purring in contentment as he snuggles your soft plush. Even when sleeping, your body was warm and soft and the Auditor couldn’t help himself as he cuddled your squishy form and slept on it. The warmth that radiated from your being even helped him doze off as you were peacefully snoozing underneath his malleable form. Your world didn’t deserve such a perfect Player…not even Nevada deserved such a treasure as you. You needed to be guarded and protected. Held and loved and treated sweetly. The Auditor only ever had to “punish” (kill) one underling that got too mouthy about your form for his own good. One quick black spike was enough to impale the chatterbox through their body entirely, and the Auditor even left the body for the janitor to clean up. No. Never again will you be insulted and belittled for some sick form of ‘entertainment’. The Auditor is now here and he’ll protect you from all those that mean you harm. Physical or emotional. You’ll never suffer again. Nobody deserves your kindness and soft heart. Nobody but him. And him alone.

[dojae-huh]

dy hater anons, what do you do and feel when ty talks positively about dy, when ty does sth for him, when dy does sth for ty, so on.? keep turning a blind eye and ear to their friendship? assuming it's fake or in denial about it all?

yes, go get mental health support. living in such hatred, over people who don't know you and have never done anything bad to you and people you love including ty, is miserable for sure.

idols aren't perfect personality wise like us all and among them, there must be some conflicts and misunderstandings but this level of denial and delusion is mindboggling.

love can come from denial and delusion too but baseless hate makes you unhappy and harms your mental health. i see no pros from this. are you going to keep living like this, camping on blogs and x accs about people you hate to boot?

It's not love towards Taeyong. Maybe an obsession or fixation.

It's very hard to discuss antis because they come with no background. People from different age classes and from different countries can have various roots to their behaviour. For example, there is the modern notion of "safe space" in NA and belief that others must censor their speech to make a person in distress "feel safe". And the bar for "insult" or "microagression" is continuesly lowered down. To the degree that everything that is not to someone's liking or contradicts their opinion is a "threat".

Regardless. Hateful dirty speech, verbal abuses are a sign of a person not being OK. Happy, satisfied with life and sure of themselves people are filled with joy they want to share having an excess of positive energy. Miserable people and those who hate themselves, on the other hand, look for ways to induce pain, to spread negativity.

There is a wonderful manga xxxHolic. It touches on the Japanese idea of negative emotions, lies, envy, bad deeds turning people into monsters. In the manga it is done in a form of people producing black smoke and attracting bad luck on themselves as a punishment/consequence to balance out their bad energy.

In reality, stress, negative emotions, self-hatred backfire on one's own body in the form of autoimmune illnessess and detoriating health. As well as physical attractiveness. Hateful people look uglier even having good features originally as the face reflects their rotten core.

[defilerwyrm]

Hello, thanks so much for your last post! I hope this isn't insensitive, but I'd be really interested to know: What helped you get out of right wing ideology? Do you have any advice for helping people out? Thanks!

It was a combination of things over time.

This turned out to be pretty long so I’m gonna put it under a cut. CW for discussions of various forms of right-wing bigotry within.

a) In the midst of a LiveJournal slapfight, I said something that I absolutely in no way meant or even conceived as being misogynistic, but was clearly taken as such, and was chewed out for it. I went “Tap the brakes, what are you talking about?!” and the gal I was arguing with was kind enough (not nice, but kind) to lay it out for me. And I listened. That started me thinking.

b) I realized that the far right that I vaunted literally wants people like me (queer and disabled) dead. I spent a long time in denial about this, thinking I would be an exception somehow.

c) I dug more into the true nature of white pride groups and discovered that, far from an honorable community of people who are simply proud of their heritage, groups like the Aryan Brotherhood are actually murderous, hyperviolent gangs—in some cases, literal prison gangs—of drug dealers, domestic abusers, and straight-up racists, and I couldn’t reconcile that with my notions of honorable behavior.

d) I actually read Mein Kampf. At first it was mostly curiosity and a way to keep people from talking to me in public. Book 1 (the first half) you can kinda see where he’s coming from, wanting a strong, self-sustaining domestic economy, not relying overly on imports, etc; but Book 2 is where he goes completely off the fucking rails, just utterly batshit, and you can tell it’s coming not from a place of “I want to rebuild my homeland after we were devastated by the aftermath of WWI and the Great Depression” but rather “I have a raging hateboner for this specific group of people who had fuck-all to do with that devastation and will make up just the wildest shit to justify and proselytize that hate.” I didn’t have any strong opinions on Jewish folk then so it really whipped my head back. It’s one thing to learn, in the vague terms that my Texas public school education provided me, about the surface facts of the Holocaust, but I don’t think I had any clue what the depths of the vitriol that led to that horror looked like until I heard it from the horse’s mouth. C and D were the big things that showed me that “white pride” isn’t about finding joy in your heritage—it’s about harboring a deep, dark, hideous hatred for others’ heritage. I did not like that.

e) An element that only in recent years occurred to me, but I think an extremely important one: I did not have a right-wing community. All I had in the way of friends & associates were fairly apolitical, mostly queer people who looked the other way when it came to my horrific personal politics. I think I knew at the time that they were unpopular views (or at least, they were in at the turn of the century) and mostly kept them to myself. As I came to accept and understand my own queerness more deeply, as I lived within the poor queer community of my hometown, as I made friends with more and more diverse groups of people, I found things within myself to be proud of, and those close to me—the very people whom the far right still want dead—welcomed me, guided me, supported me. No one on the right was there for me that way. I didn’t have a cluster of far-right friends beating their noxious values back into my head at every turn. The community I had vs the community I didn’t have made it a lot damn easier to make that heel-face turn.

With all that in mind, I think I can offer two pieces of advice:

Understand that far-right ideology is fundamentally built on anxiety and insecurity. Racists, misogynists, homophobes etc latch onto their identities as white, men, straight etc because it’s something they did not have to work for/on and cannot be removed from them, so they hold up these intrinsic traits as things that make them “superior” to others despite evidence to the contrary. Look at how many out-of-shape, mediocre white men brag that they could win a tennis match against Serena or Venus Williams. They don’t think they’re good at tennis—and they are absolutely not going to go through the years of extremely challenging work and practice and dedication required to get that good—they think they’re superior because they’re white men, even though factually either of the Williams sisters would destroy them blindfolded. The reason they go out of their way to make these ridiculous claims is because they feel insecure that someone who isn’t white and a man is better than them at something. This is also what’s behind the whole “Oh they just chose/should choose the best person for the job”—they’re saying they don’t believe someone who isn’t an abled cishet white man COULD be the best person for the job, regardless of what the job is. I don’t think the answer to this is just to point out the innumerable amazing achievements of people of color, queer folk, disabled folk, etc, because they’ll just go “yeah well MY people did xyz.” They’re feeling insecure. What they need is something about themselves to be proud of that they, personally, accomplished: being a good woodworker, or a talented speaker, or a whiz at math, some skill they have worked to foster. What they need is a sense of confidence that their worth is not dependent on what they were born with/as. For me, learning to value myself for who I am and who I can choose to be helped me stop looking down on others for what they are and did not choose to be, because I no longer needed imaginary metrics of superiority and inferiority to prop up a lack of self-worth and an iceberg’s worth of self-loathing.

Separate them from their herd. Understand that many will choose the security of the familiar over the risk of the new. But familiarity does not breed contempt—it opens eyes. A LARGE part of far-right ideology is made up of lies and assumptions and outright ignorance. Don’t just dunk them into the deep end right away, but exposure therapy is the name of the game. It’s a lot easier to think of (for example) Black people as being inferior to you when you don’t freaking know any, or to think of trans people as just a niche category of porn if you’ve never actually talked—and LISTENED—to us. Understand that right-wing social circles are vicious, internecine places where everyone is frothing at the mouth to pull someone down the instant they misstep, and they will expect the same from a left-wing circle. “Well actually” might be your friend here, rather than rubbing their nose in every fuckup or shitty thing they say. The goal is to, you know, teach them how to care about other people, and you have to model that for them. Offer other ways of looking at things instead of just “no, that’s wrong.” This can be an arduous and painful process for everyone, but if their mind can be pried open, it will be worth it in the end.

[hel-phoenyx]

"Me? Jealous?"

Seriously? One more word and that longing my hand feels for my face is gonna be satiated. And why do I want so bad for my hand to meet my own face, ask you ?

Because in front of me there is my boyfriend, best friend, and life partner all in one, displaying every textbook signs of jealousy since fucking yesterday, and still having the absolute nerve to look scandalised.

"Yes, Emerens, you, jealous. And don't give me that look, because I won't believe you, and you can't gaslight gatekeep girlboss out of this one. Have you seen how moody you are since yesterday?"

He tenses at yesterday's mention. To be fair, yesterday, he had a meeting with Senri after a therapy session, and said Senri just so happened to have an outing with former classmates, including Raraka and Fyodor. I think that was Elvira's idea. An idea she didn't tell Emerens.

I thought he was moody because he didn't know, and that is understadable, considering how much he feels reassured when he knows everything about the school. But the more I talked with him today and the more I feel the problem is deeper.

"Yes, Thibs, I have seen how moody I am since yesterday. This is exaclty why I came to you to talk. But jealous? I haven't even felt a speck of jealousy towards you, and by god have you seen how many partners and friends you have here? Why in the nine Hells would I be jealous because Senri didn't warn me he was going out?"

If only I was sure he'd been lying, that would be so easy. Hit behind the head, stern lecture, and here we go bye-bye denial. But when I looked at his face, his genuinely confused face, that's when it hit me.

Therapy. Emerens. Jealousy. Of course.

I'm starting to understand.

I pulled a chair towards me, before sitting.

"Alright, let's start from the beginning. No jealousy towards me and my own relationships you say?"

"Well. Yeah. Why would I? I have trust in you as much as in the others, friends, partners, him included. Are you insinuating I don't? Or something changed in my feelings I am not aware of?"

I shook my head. Maybe, maybe not, but that is not where I was getting at.

"Emerens, I don't think trust nor feelings are the problem. Plus, Louna, Sharon and I tell you all about our dates or outings before we have them, so it's hard to compare from here. But I think it's something else."

"Well, what? what could cause me being jealous now?"

I sighed. Here we go.

"Emerens, my love, I'm gonna use therapist talk here, but lil question. Do you think you were not jealous of people close from us because you were confident in our relationship, or because you were so deep in your self-hatred and desire for anything that could let you feel joy than anything coming from us already was more than enough?"

And there it is.

His face went blank. Almost dead. The only thing that proves me he's alive is that vein on his forehead.

Pale as a ghost, he couldn't even utter the next words, but those words felt so heavy on both our heads.

".... Shit."

My hand in his, contracted. He took it almost immediatly, squeezed it like crazy, but now I couldn't even feel blood in my fingers.

"See? I don't know what you are talking about with your therapist, but you always were a possessive person and a total lack of jealousy from your part was surprising. I'm sorry to tell you that now, Emerens, but the way you feel compersion seems to be unhealthy at best. Maybe talk about it in therapy? Or just with Senri?"

"Better therapy first. Do you know how many things you just put into question with that...?"

I shook my head sadly.

"Not completely, I guess. But you know, since you are fucked up as hell, that doesn't surprise me the slightest."

[cosmichighpriestess]

Becoming Nonjudgmental

When you judge someone, you are only judging yourself, and a part of yourself that you reject, that you are not aware of, and you don't even realize sometimes that you are becoming the very vibration you say you disapprove of. When we judge other's we are expressing hatred for another part of ourselves, we are in denial of a part of ourselves we hate, unknowingly because we're in denial that we're in denial. I realized I have always been someone that has the psychic gift of seeing right through people and straight into their heart. It didn't matter if they had a smile, a mask or they were rude to me, had on a front or they had on a facade.

A lot of people who I knew and I was in relations with did not understand me and misunderstood me all the time, but I understood them very deeply. I thought I was doing something wrong by leaving these people behind because our relationships were so short lived, but it was actually because they weren't doing the inner self-reflection that I was doing, we weren't connecting on an emotional level because they weren't connected with their emotional body, because they weren't healing or doing inner work. They were in avoidance and denial that they needed to heal and work on themselves and then judging me for minding my business. They judged me because they were afraid of being vulnerable and honest with themselves. We all have done this at some points in our lives because we were afraid that we might be something we're afraid to look at. To quote Bashar, "discernment is selecting and acting on your preference from the available options you have in front of you and judgment is going a step further and invalidating what you do NOT prefer. The recommendation is to act according to preference, without invalidating what you do not prefer. "-Bashar

I couldn't be understood by anyone, but I could understand them very deeply, so we couldn't connect or talk without being in the vicinity of the same level of consciousness. Because I knew they weren't ready for a deeper conversation with me or anyone, even their own therapist. What no one tells you about judgment is that if you can master nonjudgement of yourself and others you will become a very powerful human being. Nothing and no one can ever affect you negatively and it will instantly raise your vibration. I usually didn't judge other people unless they hurt other people or myself I didn't realize that I had played the villain too in my past lives so I'm no victim either. But in this life, I could always see right through to their heart and who they hide from and it pained me to step into other's shoes. Some people finally felt seen for the first time in a long time, and some people ran away because they didn't like someone seeing into their soul. It was too much, even for me, to feel their pain, to feel all the trauma and abuse, and loss they've suffered for decades unnoticed by everyone in their life.

But I think they would feel better if they knew that I have nothing to judge. If only they knew what kind of mistakes I've made. When I was younger I was very rebellious, a free spirit, because I had very strict, controlling parents. I was always doing things I shouldn't do because I wanted freedom and control over my own life, I felt lack within myself. I had to stop beating myself up for just being a normal teenager and making "mistakes". There's no such thing as a mistake, only learning from neutral, meaningless choices we make so we can see what works and doesn't work. I made jokes out of everything to hide my trauma.

It gave me a sense of not taking everything so seriously, like my coaches, teachers and parents were always too serious with me. I would lie to get out of things. I would rebel against conformity. I really didn't care what other people thought of me because I was neurodivergent and I just didn't care about people telling me what to do and how to be and how to dress or act. My attitude was basically, "I'm not here to be likable, I'm just existing here, I'm not even here by my own free will, I'm just passing my classes, if someone disliked me I couldn't even tell unless they were bullying me and I wanted people leave me alone and dress however I wanted so they would not like me even more, and I thought, "good." I don't want them to like me because our spirits don't align anyways, the right friends will find me and I will find them." In high school I skipped class all the time because my teachers weren't inspiring me. I thought school was a prison and it wasn't meant for neurodivergent people like me, except no one knew I was neurodivergent when they were bullying me. When I was in my early twenties I partied every other day but sometimes I would go overboard and blackout after wanting to let loose with my very dark crowd. I saw things that I wish I had never seen, that I wish I had to courage to make right, from the dark people I was surrounded by. I only wanted to be around witchy types and musicians, neurodivergents, because they were the only ones who understood me. I took a lot of acid and shrooms to fit in. Those were my first awakenings.

When it comes to all those things we were told is "bad" "evil". No one is judging you, God just wants you to be high on him, get high off life as much as you can. It's so dense on Earth, I was just trying to make fun out of ugly, lower, denser situations from my very intense life. My humor was not appreciated because I made a joke out of everything that hurt me to survive it. I stopped making jokes for a long time, and I began keeping to myself after all the trauma I experienced from the narcissists who were attracted to my light. I never met anyone that could love me without betraying me it just became my norm. I thought that never receiving apologies from anyone was normal. Looking back, I judged myself harshly for being a rebellious teenager and settling for people who didn't even like me. I'm not a perfect person but everything I did is forgivable. When someone rejects you, remember that is their own limitation, and limiting beliefs, not yours. That is them rejecting a part of themselves that they do not wish to see or experience, there is something about themselves they do not wish to look at, therefore judging you by appearances and therefore judging themselves.

The Universe will challenge you on this, when you level up, if you have learned how to stop judging others, by judging yourself you're not helping them or yourself, just be like "wait, this is a person separated from Source/God, they are just trapped in the ego, it happens, I have nothing to judge here because I've done things I regret too, I've felt powerless too, they are having a bad day, they don't know themselves, they don't love themselves, I'm equal to them and nothing they are doing should affect me." Then you will pass the "test" again and again that you sent to yourself. Just don't respond. Don't defend yourself. Don't say anything. The test is basically, will you let your judgement of them or that thing, situation, affect your energy negatively everytime? Or will you not judge them and go about your own business not reacting?

This Earth game simulation holographic multiverse, hologame is just different levels of consciousness. You will always be in a better position if you can practice non-judgment everyday by going within and taking a look in the mirror, why am I feeling like this? Why did I react so hurt by that when it has nothing to do with me? Hmm why did this person make me feel insecure just by them existing? Why did I judge them just because they look different than me? Hmm why did I see them in that way when actually they just needed love and understanding? This is what shadow work looks like, and if you want to ascend to your highest timeline, you need to do Shadow work in order to heal yourself. No one does the inner healing work for us, they can only give us the tools to heal ourselves. And it's absolutely okay if you don't prefer to dive that deep into yourself yet because you're not ready. But if you are ready, it's not for the weak. Hell, I'm not for the weak. If someone can't handle me I can't blame them.

So I really don't have any room to judge anyone, I've been there done that. that's why I say I really mean it when you don't have to put me or any other spiritual person on a pedestal. We're all human just like you, we all go through the same things, we all have been through so much in different ways, we're all sinners, we all go through trauma and I don't judge anyone for where they have been. God will never disown you for making mistakes. God is pure unconditional love. Basically high frequency energies are pouring to earth now and they are dissolving many of the energies that have held humans in bondage to beliefs of lack, fear, limitation, unworthiness, or fear of being a sinner in need of saving. We've all been brainwashed into thinking we need to be saved or forgiven. God will make it so uncomfortable, so unbearable to follow the man made rules of religion and laws, and limiting beliefs as if sinning makes you unworthy of love. God will force them to quit their long held beliefs that they need to suffer in order to be worthy of something.

We don't care where you come from or what you've done. When you have the most high on your side he will forgive you instantly, love you unconditionally and he will avenge any wrong done to you. He will take your judgement away from yourself and others and he will give you peace. Never judge a book by its cover, you don't know what life they have walked. Every choice you make is equally valid. Because every choice you make is neutral and has no meaning. But it does mean you're probably judging yourself if you're judging someone else. Because if you are affected by something seemingly negative, perceiving the person or thing as negative, and their experience has nothing to do with you, so how can you judge it? Everyone deserves a second chance at life and coming back to God, to yourself, your true self.

[kyrodo]

I remember how it felt in the aftermath. It hurt so damn much on the inside, but that part was normal. I was stressed. My brow would furry to the point I couldn't unfurl it even consciously because of all the things I was thinking about posting because I was mad. But more than that it felt like all these hopes I had were falling apart one by one. There were only a few times you or your friends had anything positive to say, and I clung to them hard even despite all the abuse that told me to stop. I clung to the random song titles and fitting lyrics in my YouTube Music feed convinced they were being influenced by you directly. Despite how quickly I was refreshing them But eventually every lie that I clung to, even the most hopeful ones like the idea you guys were even the slightest bit apologetic fell apart.

It's like there was this ball of lies, filled with a combination of hopeful denial and your manipulative subtexts and misread communication, and the pull of a single thread gradually shook it all apart. It's like there was this rubix cube that my mind was constantly solving over the weeks trying to process all the shit that just happened to me, and bring me back to the cold solid ground. And I felt myself slamming into the concrete, feeling extremely unhealthy from all the loosely worded bullshit I steeped myself and the deep lonely depression that motivated me to pursue it.

Love, hatred, sadness, anger, confusion, embarrassment, shame, pain, betrayal, the faith I lost in myself from all the times that I dug deep into myself to the point there was nothing left to dig up. The deep level of disappointment I had from the last chance of my future plans with you disappearing. The guilt I had further reinforced by the way Red reacted and thought of me afterwards, evident by a txt file I once saw on his desktop during a visit. And I still felt I had to prove myself to you, to the point that I was posting nonstop. Because I know you always took a step further when talking about me, not only making things worse than they actually are or exaggerating but straight up throwing additional shit in. The malicious way you used to subtext me had me on the overdefensive. And I had just gotten through the most disastrous social conflict I ever had in my life.

I felt things gradually get lighter, and heavier as I flickered between outright hatred, self doubt, fear, disbelief, and determination. I felt all the characters I used to canon as get swiftly divorced from me as I found my own voice again. And my voice got louder and louder. Until it became the only one. It and the female version of it at one point anyway. I climbed my way out of that pit, out of my own share of disgrace, getting bolder whenever I compared it to yours.

And I shined. I shined hard. I remembered the drama wolf post you once shared and I took it to heart. And I actively defied it as I shouted out my truth. As I let the whole world know that I would be a better person than such malicious and heavy exaggerated biases against me would not be able to silence. And I calculated every last curve ball you could've thrown at me beyond my sight, and I caught every single one.

And I grew back out like a Phoenix. Born again through the flames. Finding not only my confidence again but righteousness, justice, conviction, an overwhelming strength that cut through every lie that I was once forced to swallow. And I knew no matter who how clearly or how much you hated me there wasn't a fucking thing you could do to stop my revival. To stop my words from righting my every wrong while casting yours out for the world to see. I knew that my story would not end up like any of the stories people share condemning someone for their shameful actions because I would not let it end that way. Because I still have that option and you don't.

The ball untied itself and everything made sense. I saw through everything. Every action you took out of pettiness, every convenient lie I used to believe in you, every time you stabbed me in the back, and I rejected it. I found my voice. And now I have my love. I have my happy ending and as was once foretold, you will not be attending.

The chapter that closed was not only the most eventful one in my life but the most ridiculously negative one I've had and the only time in my life I ever had a real enemy. Trauma was bound to happen. But I chose to thrive instead of sink. I further reinforced the one thing about myself that puts me above other people that have experienced depression, I always find a way to bounce back.

I showed how much I cared how people think of me, even though for you it never matter who I actually am. I made the effort because I'm not just going to lie down and let you say whatever the fuck you want. I believe in myself. I believe in life. Whatever self destructive energy I once had is gone. Through all the tears and all the anger I broke out of your reign on me. I have pride in myself and you bet your ass I fucking earned it.

You tried to break me so damn hard and I am stronger than I have ever been in my life.

Your knee jerk response to social conflict is every cheap tactic in the book and brute force, you didn't even fucking try. And that is how you will be remembered. You are proof that people can play the stupidest games with me and rig it so damn hard against me and still fucking lose.

[super-paper]

I find so interesting the Shigaraki and Toga dinamic(thanks to your recent post), I noticed that they were talking so similar in this final arc, but it's seem like it's was way before that they started with the similarities

tbh....!! I think Tomura and Himiko are easily some of the most interesting foils we've seen in the series!

Like, there's a tendency for the fandom to pigeonhole them into a "big brother/little sister" dynamic-- and while I def get where people are coming from, I also feel this tendency also causes people to gloss over how their characters/narratives play off each other? Which is a shame, bc there's an absolute smorgasbord of good stuff here.

The way Himiko is introduced as being driven primarily by love while Tomura is introduced as being driven primarily by hate is something that had me sold from the get go! "Wanting a world full of only things you love" vs "Wanting a world where you can destroy everything you hate" are goals that actually stem from the same root feeling for the both of these characters.

Their respective fixations on Ochako (the ultimate normal girl) and Izuku (the ultimate normal (comparatively speaking) boy) merits its own post, but again, the root feelings are the same-- a desire to be accepted and understood by someone on "the other side."

(tw for self-harm/suicide ment. under the read more)

Both of them are depicted as self harming to cope with stress before they ever consider harming other people, and this only escalates as their abuse worsens. Both of their "villain origins" are triggered by gradual build up of stress/misery over time, followed by a sudden and traumatic loss of control where they are depicted as crying the entire time-- but people zero in on the "creepy smiles" instead of their tears and use this as evidence that "they were always twisted/bad."

suicide tw: like, it's absolutely intentional that Hori depicts Himiko biting her wrists and then dreaming about her belly getting ripped open--The stomach in particular is heavily associated with suicide in Japanese society. Now, I don't believe Himiko actually wants to die-- rather, I feel Hori is using this as symbolism for her growing desires to "disappear" into the identities of other people. "Death of the self" is a consistent theme for Tenko, Himiko, and Touya.

There's still a degree of mystery on the source of Tomura's "itch," but I think we can at least agree that AFO's explanation is bullshit and that Tomura only buys into it out of self-hatred.

Something that's also frequently overlooked is that the text specifies that the boy Himiko attacked was "very well liked and popular with the other kids," which I feel adds an additional layer of context to what ultimately led to Himiko's breaking point. A lot of what drives Himiko is a desire to have close bonds and friendships with her peers/other girls, which she feels that she cannot obtain "as herself" due to a lifetime of rejection from her parents and classmates. We see a scene of her envying the smile of another girl and expressing a desire "to become her" in the same chapter where we have flashbacks of her parents and peers calling her own smile "creepy/demonic".

Cycling back to the whole "masks are a heavy theme in MVA" point from my other post: The LOV members (minus Dabi lmao) are all depicted as removing their masks in some capacity during this arc, but Tomura and Himiko stand out as being the only ones who put their masks back on as they retreat back into their usual coping mechanisms/self-denial. Tomura's masking makes heavy use of imagery/symbolism and is easy to miss if you only focus on the destruction of his physical "mask" (Kotaro's hand), and Himiko's masking is shown via her attempt to lose herself more deeply in the idea of becoming Ochako.

Both Tomura and Himiko are ultimately depicted as attempting to escape from an identity that only brings them pain-- Tomura attempts to distance himself from the pain of being Shimura Tenko through putting on the mask of "Shigaraki Tomura," while Himiko attempts to escape from the pain of being herself by "becoming the people she loves/admires."

Hori plays with the idea of villain and hero identities actually being a form of escapism multiple times in MHA, and these two are big examples of that (Other big examples include Endeavor using his hero identity to escape from being Enji/a decent father, Izuku's attempts to escape from being "worthless Deku" by completely changing the meaning of this nickname through his acts of heroism, Hawks flinching away from his real name as if uttering it out loud is some form of curse, and let's not even get started with AFO's multitude of issues bc we'll be here all day).

On that note: Tomura gets treated as if his villain name is his given name, Himiko gets treated as if her family name is her villain name!

Both of them have a moment of catharsis through the destruction of their abusive/failed homes-- but this destruction also serves as a double-edged sword that only reinforces the idea that they can never turn back in both of their minds. Granted, the destruction of Himiko's home is facilitated by Touya-- however, the similarities remain. Tomura still obsessively seeks to "destroy his home" even after it's long gone, because he is desperate to achieve that sense of catharsis and "relieve his itch" again.

"If you refuse to submit.... I'll just rewrite the story" and then he did! :)

Also, their characters both have a sort of "meta" aspect to them that I really enjoy, where their personal narratives are both targeted by characters who want to rewrite/exploit their stories for their own gain (and this is further complicated by the fact that Tomura and Himiko are ALSO unreliable narrators on top of all that).

Like, even their pasts are initially told to us through the lens of other people and skewed perspectives-- Himiko through the lens of sensationalist news reports + her parents, Tomura through the lens of his adult self + AFO's grooming. Himiko's parents insist that they did everything they could and that she was just "born bad," which mirrors the conclusion that Tomura reaches about himself after he reflects on his own past and comes to believe that he must've wanted his family to die. As readers with the benefit of actually seeing these events unfold, we know this is total bullshit-- Himiko's parents were emotionally abusive, and Tomura was absolutely devastated by the deaths of his family.

(And this is probably wishful thinking on my part, but I actually hope that the presence of the journalists at Gunga is also going to play a role in saving Himiko by the end of the series-- since her being catapulted into villainy was only facilitated by irresponsible + sensationalized journalism in the wake of her breakdown, and Curious was basically the ultimate manifestation of that. Journalist redemption arc? Maybe???)

Anyway, Hori's definitely put a lot of effort into writing these two, and the resolution to their stories is def what I'm most excited about!

[stpaullutheranchurch]

september 4 2022

September 4th 2022

Old Testament: Deuteronomy 30:15-20 “Choose life”

Psalm: Psalm 139:1-16 “You formed my inward parts”

Epistle: Philemon 1-21 “I am sending him back to you”

Gospel: Luke 14:25-35 “He cannot be My disciple”

Sermon Text: Luke 14:25-35

Sermon Title: “The Cost of Discipleship”

Grace to you and peace, from God the Father and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

“Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after Me, cannot be My disciple … any one of you who does not renounce all that he has, cannot be My disciple”. (Luke 14:27, 33) “If anyone wants to come after Me, let them deny themselves, take up their cross daily, and follow Me”. (Luke 9:23) This is the theme of the sermon this morning.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, was a Lutheran pastor executed by the Nazis shortly before the end of World War Two; literally days before the allies liberated the prison camp he was in. In his most famous book, “The Cost of Discipleship”, he wrote, “when Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die”. This is the life of all Christians, not just the martyrs. Every Christian is to bear the cross appointed for us by our Lord.

This dying will take many forms. For some, it will involve literal death, as in the case of eleven of the Apostles and all the martyrs in the history of the church, even in our own day. For others, like Luther, it will involve a life lived under the constant threat of death and persecution from the world. When he wrote the words “take they our life; goods, fame, child and wife. Though these all be gone, our victory has been won, the kingdom ours remaineth”; Luther was speaking quite literally of what might happen; what he in fact expected to happen to him.

For others the cross will involve rejection and shunning of family and friends; who when you chose to follow Christ will not understand and will be offended by your priorities. For all Christians, bearing the cross will involve a denial of or death to the self, a constant battle with our sinful nature and daily repentance when we fall. It cannot be any other way, as Jesus clearly stated in todays’ Gospel. The heading given in most Bibles for this text is (the same as Bonhoeffer’s book) “The Cost of Discipleship”.

“Now great crowds accompanied Jesus, and He turned and said to them, If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple”. (Luke 14:25-27) These words are really about the 1st Commandment; our relationship to God comes before even our closest earthly relations.

Luther said in his Large Catechism that whatever our heart clings to and trusts is really our “god”. He then proceeds to talk about many of the more common idols that tempt us, such as money/possessions, education, power, family and the like. We could easily add many things to this list of idols, such as science, radical environmentalism, pleasure/happiness; security, earthly peace/safety, mental and physical health and many others.

When hatred comes to us because of our faith, and Jesu promised that it would, we are tempted to take the easy way out in order to avoid suffering and our cross by any means necessary. So, we are often silent when we should speak God’s Word (to family or friends); perhaps we even out-right reject Christ and His gracious redeeming work on our behalf, out of  a misplaced idea of God’s love; believing falsely that being “nice” and trying not to offend others is what makes a good Christian.

In reality, being a good Christian, a disciple of Christ, calls for us to renounce anything in our lives which interferes with our relationship to Him; this includes false teachings/teachers; earthly peace; family relationships, possessions, and even our own life. The Apostle Paul calls this way of life, “crucifying the flesh with its passions and desires” (Galatians 5:24) and “putting to death what is earthly in you” (Colossians 3:5) and “considering yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus”. (Romans 6:11)

“For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it. Otherwise, when he has laid the foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to mock him saying, this man began to build and was not able to finish”. (Luke 14:29-30)

“And what king going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace”. (Luke 14:31-32)

Jesus is not trying to discourage people from becoming disciples, not at all; “He desires all to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth”; (1st Timothy 2:4) but He is making it clear that becoming a disciple involves more than just joining an organization called “the church”; as if we were joining some civic organization or club. Christianity is more than having one’s name on a membership list or one’s picture in the church directory.

The promises made in the confirmation liturgy make this clear; “Do you intend to hear the Word of God and receive the Lord’s Supper faithfully? Do you intend to live according to the Word of God, and in faith, word, and deed, remain true to God? Do you intend to continue steadfast in this confession and church and to suffer all, even death, rather than to fall away from it”? The answer to these questions is “I do, by the grace of God”. (Lutheran Service Book, p. 273)

So, being a disciple involves building our lives upon Christ Jesus alone and by faith, receiving our strength from His Word and sacraments; the means of grace. Remember Jesus’ words from a few weeks ago; “strive to enter by the narrow door, for many, I tell you will seek to enter and will not be able”. (Luke 13:24) “There is no other name under heaven given among men, by which we must be saved”. (Acts 4:12) Jesus alone saves.

This teaching of Jesus is difficult, especially for those who tend to view Jesus as a calm, non-threatening man with a nice, warm, friendly personality; one who doesn’t ever get upset or angry with anyone. That is not the Jesus that shows up here in Luke 14; demanding our allegiance over and above everything and everyone else in this life.

It was not “nice” of Jesus to say what He says next; “if anyone of you does not renounce all that he has, he cannot be My disciple”. (Luke 14:33) Again, when we put our trust in anything or anyone other than the one true God, we are breaking the 1st Commandment and Jesus is calling us to repentance. Therefore, being a disciple of Jesus means, means to be willing to give up anything; including family, possessions, earthly peace, and our own ideas of wisdom; if God calls for it. Keep in mind that all that we have or might acquire in this life, already belongs to Him.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count it as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ”. (Philippians 3:7-8) We can only confidently believe these things (and take up our cross) if we are assured that our sins are forgiven for Jesus’ sake and that we have the hope of the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting. We are assured of this because of the Gospel; as we sang in the sermon hymn “Chief of sinners, though I be; Jesus shed His blood for me”.

Jesus concludes the teaching for this morning by saying, “Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is good neither for the soil or the manure pile. It is thrown away. He who has ears to hear, let him hear”.  (Luke 14:34-35) This is a description of our lives apart from Christ having first priority.

This is made clear by Moses in the Old Testament reading, “see, I have set before you today, life and good; death and evil”. (Deuteronomy 30:15) To those who turn away from God and His Word, He said, “you shall surely perish”. (Deuteronomy 30:18a) Apart from Christ, nothing good will come to/of us; in fact, “the wrath of God remains on us”. (John 3:36b)

But whoever “believes in the Son (Jesus) has eternal life”. (John 3:36a). We who have been baptized into the death and resurrection of Christ, who have been forgiven all of our sins and been clothed in the righteousness of Christ; are called by Him to deny ourselves and take up our own cross; we are to “consider ourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus”. (Romans 6:11) “For, we have been brought from (eternal) death to (eternal) life”. (Romans 6:13b)

Through the means of grace, (the Word of God and the Sacrament), by the power of the Holy Spirit, we have been kept in the one true faith. (We) Believe this good news that Christ Jesus has done everything necessary for our salvation; and in response, “choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying His voice, and holding fast to Him, for He is your life”. (Deuteronomy 30:20a)

When my wayward heart would stray; Keep me in the narrow way

Grace in time of need supply; While I live and when I die

Amen “The peace of God …