#than the down to the important shit nitty grittiness of queer

[vacantgodling]

ngl every time i see a post that says lgbt+ people i’m like “mkay not me then” and keep scrolling

[transjarlaxle]

What’s the hot fuss queer murder mystery theory about??

ok so this theory has been around for a while and i’m sure i’m not the first one to post about it but anyway

tl;dr the album hot fuss (2004) by the killers is about a guy (the singer/narrator) who’s in love with another guy, Andy (presumably straight/victim to compulsive heterosexuality) who’s dating a girl, Jenny, and it all just goes downhill from there, with Andy killing Jenny (maybe at the narrator’s pushing) and they run off together to be gay

longer explanation under the cut broken down by song

right so the songs on the album aren’t in order so it’s a little hidden yknow but here we go:

it all starts with Andy, You’re A Star - the most obviously gay of all the tracks on the album, the narrator is... in love with Andy. he’s seen Andy on the sports field, presumably an all star, and asks him to leave his number on his locker, etc etc. the narrator is just rly gay for Andy

then we listen to Smile Like You Mean It - a short, kind of melancholy story presumably about Andy’s exploration of his sexuality - the narrator is ready to risk it all, but Andy would rather save face than admit to his feelings. i say presumably because this is all from the narrator’s perspective - which we will see later is not very reliable

this ties into the next song, Change Your Mind. Andy has rejected the narrator’s feelings, and the narrator is pressed about it, and wants to change his mind - for better or worse.

then, of course, we go into Somebody Told Me. the narrator is angry at Andy now, and this is more or less a diss track. There’s been rumors circulating about Andy now that are calling into question Andy’s sexuality - presumably that he;s been seen with someone - maybe a boy - that’s definitely not Jenny.

On Top is the sex song. nothing else to really say about it

after On Top is the ICONIC Mr. Brightside. Andy’s having regrets. He might have run off with Jenny again, leaving the narrator devastated and nearly sick to his stomach. the narrator wants Andy to “come to his senses” as it were

here’s where we get to the nitty gritty. the narrator can’t handle this pseudo-rejection. there’s a b-side here i could mention but it’s not super important for understanding the overall story - it’s a banger, though. anyway, here we get into a couple songs that go hand-in-hand.

first one is Midnight Show. here’s the twist - the song is about Andy and Jenny. Andy’s confusion is mounting, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. it’s a mess. he doesn’t love Jenny anymore but is afraid of his true feelings. this is also the song in which the murder happens. it’s a one-off line - “i took my baby’s breath beneath the chandelier” - but put it into the context of the next songs:

All These Things That I’ve Done, Andy reflects on what’s happened. he realizes the narrator is the only one who can understand him, and goes back to him. he still doesn’t know what he wants, but shit’s already happened.

Finally, we round it out with Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine. rounding out Andy’s story, he’s come to terms with his sexuality and apparently the murder he’s committed and has realized his feelings for the narrator.  it’s not a good situation, and he seems regretful, but this is essentially the end of the story.

anyway, listen to hot fuss

[polyrolemodels]

Poly Role Models: Ev’Yan Whitney

PolyRoleModels: All right so welcome to PolyRoleModels. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah my name is Ev’Yan Whitney and I'm currently living in Portland Oregon.

PolyRoleModels: Okay well so how long do you been polyamory or how long have you been practicing polyamory?

Ev’Yan Whitney: I-Let’s see I feel like. So first I wanna say I don’t identify with the term polyamory all that much. Um mostly because of the way that me and my partner practice it. It doesn’t really fall underneath- I mean I know polyamory is an umbrella word. But for some reason polyamory doesn’t resonate with me that much. So I prefer non-monogamy or open relationship just because I feel like it’s able to encapsulate the kinds of relationships my partner and I have or the relationships that we are looking for. But to answer your question we have been open- our marriage has been open for about- maybe seven years now officially and it came about in a very funny way. I had no idea what polyamory was my husband is white so when he told me about polyamory I was like “Oh this is some white people shit. This is not for me. Its cool if that’s what you wanna do over there, but I don’t want anything to do with it over here.” And slowly but surely we knew we had a lot of interesting conversations about polyamory, what it meant. And to be clear like when he was bringing it up he wasn't bringing it up with the intention of like changing our entire relationship he was just like “I met someone and we had a strong emotional connection with each other and I found a word that kind of expresses how we're experiencing each other right now and yeah what do you think? This is really strange and I don't know what to do with this information.” And so because it wasn't like a do-or-die kind of situation where it's like “I identify as polyamorous, you either come with me or like the relationship was over,” it allowed us both to have space around the definition and even around like what we wanted to do as far as like next steps go and but still I was pretty adamently against it. I didn't really want anything to do with it and then I realized later down the line, I'd say maybe about a year after I first even heard the word that my own clear identity was starting to come up into the forefront in a really massive way. Like I met someone and I started having feelings for someone. Yeah and that's when I was like “Oh okay this polyamory, non-monogamy thing it's- it's something that could be a viable option for me in my relationship.” And so from there we started thinking about ways that we can practice it ethically.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. Awesome. All right so what is your relationship dynamic look like?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Um well I mean I have a husband is my primary um we both date other people. At this time we're not really doing much dating because I'm very busy at work and he's also really busy with work. And I jokingly say that like my- my business is my mistress because I'm just so like involved in it right now. But in the past we haven't really done like dating together. We often date individually outside of our relationship. So I'll have a girlfriend, and he'll have a boyfriend. My partner also identifies as queer. So we both use polyamory as a way to explore and express our sexual orientation that we wouldn't be able to do because we're in a “hetero” relationship.

PolyRoleModels: Alright.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah

PolyRoleModels: What aspect of non-monogamy do you feel you excel at?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh I think I'm really good at the communication piece but that's only because like I love to talk about my feelings. I- I feel like- I think my husband has a harder time with that because he- he's more so the type of person that wants to talk about his feelings after they've been processed and I'm more like- I feel a thing let's process it now together. Um so I feel like I'm really good at being able to pinpoint the emotions that are coming up within me. So like emotional intelligence and then being able to like say “Hey I'm feeling this thing let's talk about it. Let's um you know sit down and- and digest it, process it together.” And yeah I feel like the emotional part is a really big piece of it too because I think that so much of my own sexuality ties into emotions for me. I identify as a demisexual and so I can't have relationships sexual or romantic with people if I don't feel that emotional intimacy. And so because of that I feel like I am really good at being able to communicate my own feelings and like wanting to make sure that my needs, my emotional needs get met.

PolyRoleModels: Alright. I get that. Now, what aspects do you struggle with?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh man. Jealousy is a really big one, I hate to say it because it's really cliché. But yeah I mean that there's definitely been moments where as great as it is for me to watch my partner exploring his sexuality and having a blast with the people that she's with, it does bring up stuff around like scarcity and security abandonment issues for me and jealousy can tend to come up in those, in those instances. I mean I do feel that jealousy to me isn't this horrible thing. I know that it's been billed out to be like if you feel jealousy that means there's something terribly wrong in your relationship. I kind of use it as an indicator to look a little bit deeper, like to interrogate where that that jealousy is coming from and to be able to sit with it and process it and figure out why it's there. So even though I don't feel very good at it, that thing feels really challenging for me it's also a really good opportunity for me to self-reflect and be really critical about like the things that are coming up and the reasons why because a lot of the times that jealousy is rooted in fear. And so when I'm able to sit down with the jealousy and actually process it think about it yeah it's some beautiful realizations have come up. And really interesting conversations between me and my partner when jealousy comes up and were able to rather than run from it but actually like sit with it talk about it.

PolyRoleModels: And I was gonna ask you how you address or overcome those struggles but it sounds like you kind of did that.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah, so uh in terms of my risk aware of safer sex what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Ev’Yan Whitney: We defitniely use condoms and he- my partners- I’m not on birth control. So mostly I’m not seeing men or cis men so I don’t have much of an issue with- with you know fears of getting pregnant or anything like that. But we definitely do our best to stay as safe as possible we have a lot of questions that we ask our partners like you know when they were last tested. We make sure that we get tested regularly as well just to make sure that everything is going- going good. It's so crazy to be answering these questions because it's been so long since I've been on a date. I'm like how- I'm trying to remember like how do I do- how did I do it? Cause it's been oh my god I've been out of the game for a while.

PolyRoleModels: Yeah I'm busy too so I understand.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah.

PolyRoleModels: So what is the worst mistake you've made you're not monogamous history? how did you rebound from it?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh man my worst mistake? Oh man. I think I think- I don't know there would be a mistake but I definitely think I could have responded differently and that would be you know I was watching my partner have some strong feelings for someone that he was dating, and it led me into a negative spiral of “He's going to leave me. This is not safe. Like I'm going to be abandoned, and you know there's underlying like maybe infidelity going on,” because you know my mind goes in that area. My response to that was just really- I think it was a little extreme I think I wasn't allowing myself to see what was actually happening and also just being compassionate to my partner. Like new relationship energy is real and being able to be like- like to step back and say like okay the things that are coming up in this situation right now, like it's a new relationship energy, it's not that big of a deal. It'll eventually dissipate. I think it's it's difficult to have that kind of perspective and to not like go off the deep end, and have like you know your minds not racing about how things could potentially go. So yeah I think I could be a lot better about the responses that I have when I see those challenging things come up.

PolyRoleModels: So what self identities are important to you how do you feel like being non-monogamous intersects or affects those other identities

Ev’Yan Whitney: Oh definitely my queer identity is incredibly important to me. I wouldn't be- I wouldn't be non-monogamous, I don't think, if I was queer, er if I wasn’t queer. Especially because I'm married to a guy. So that really changes the dynamic between us and you know there's- there's a  articular set of things that my man can't give me because he's a guy and you know I'm a queer- a queer woman, so my queer identity really matters and means a lot to me. I feel like the non-monogamy piece enables me to express that part of my identity in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I were just in a you know monogamous heterosexual relationship. And then also within that like I mentioned before like being a demisexual, which has also been kind of challenging to find people who are willing to do the extra work necessary to have a meaningful relationship with me. In my past- my experience has been that people just want to fuck me and not want to get into the nitty-gritty of the emotions and the intimacy in that way. But my Demisexual identity is also really important to me and it's been a really great, I quess just tool for learning about like what my own needs are because there have been a few times where I've been like “I shouldn't be so emotional or certain- I shouldn't require that my partners give me emotional intimacy or emotional availability.” And so through non-monogamy I’ve found that like- that's a very fundamental part of not just like my you know identity as a person, but just my sexual identity. And then of course you're like- I'm black stuff and so being able to have that identity be seen and affirmed in the people that I'm dating is incredibly important to me too.

PolyRoleModels: So the only groups, project,s websites, blogs, etc. that you- that you’re involved with that you'd like to promote?

Ev’Yan Whitney: Yeah they can find me on my website sexloveliberation.com. They can also find me on my Instagram which is Evyan.Whitney. I write a lot about sex and sexuality and there's a lot of articles on my blog that talks about this process that my husband and I went through and finding out that we wanted to have an open relationship. And um it was a little messy and kind of funny but you know, it was a really great way for me to chronicle that journey and process it in no time.

PolyRoleModels: Awesome. Awesome. Thank you so much for taking the time and contributing so much and being be- opening yourself for a PolyRoleModels.

Ev’Yan Whitney: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

—

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at  https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

[problemsofabooknerd]

My Personal Sexuality Journey

Pride Day 6!

Check out the intro to my Pride project here.

For the past few days, I have mainly been discussing books on this blog. Which is, hey, the topic of the blog so that makes sense! But today I want to get a bit more personal. I identify as a lesbian, but that has not always been the case, so today we’re going to get into the nitty gritty of my sexuality journey. It’s... long.So, I hope you’re all ready. 

So, to begin with, I am not one of those “well, I��ve just always known” sort of people when it comes to being hella queer. I grew up in a hyper-religious area in Utah, and we were not exposed to a lot of queer content in any variety. My parents were always cool with The Gays, but it wasn’t a topic that was really openly discussed. I think Glee was possibly my first exposure to a visibly queer character, and that show started when I was in high school. So, basically, I didn’t have any inklings I might not be straight until college. But first, let’s go back to high school a bit.

When I was a junior in high school I managed to nab a boyfriend for about a minute and a half. The thing about being attracted to girls when you don’t really know that’s an option is that, at least in my experience, you start to assume attraction must just feel like ah, I would very much like to be friends with that person. This is probably what a crush is. I’m not saying that’s not an authentic way to crush, because I definitely think it is, but when I was young and sure of my heterosexuality, I rationalized that the desire for friendship and hanging out was actually me wanting a relationship. 

I hung out with lots of guys in high school. They were cool, awkward, nerdy guys and I liked being friends with them. I also knew they liked me, so I was willing to go on dates or to dances should one of them ask.Which is how I wound up with my high school boyfriend. He was sweet, we shared a sense of humor, and I loved being around him. Shockingly, it was whenever he wanted to move past friendship activities that I felt stifled and uncomfortable. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, that fear or that resistance, but I knew that I couldn’t continue forwards in a relationship. I ended it, frustrated because I felt like I was losing a close friend rather than a romantic partner. It was a ridiculously confusing and frustrating time all around.

After high school, I went on a date with a friend’s cousin. He was what I perceived as my type, awkward and nerdy, and I knew he liked me. We went to his place after dinner and he tried to make out with me while I argued that he was missing important plot points of the first episode of Sherlock. He was shoving his tongue in my mouth and I was upset because they were dropping hints on screen that would be revealed later and oh my god when they break down the mystery at the end you are going to be so confused.

So.... that was one of the gayer situations of my gay life.

In college, I moved out of Utah and across the country to New Jersey where I attended an exceedingly queer liberal arts college. The new friends I was making were - at least I assumed at the time - the first gay people I had ever met. This later turned out to be absurd, as I’m not the only person at my high school who has since come out. But here they all were! Queer, vibrant, and proud. And I was so excited to be a part of a world where you could be who you are, even though I knew I was definitely, absolutely, without question the Straightest™ person I knew. 

Cut to me meeting a girl my second day of orientation. Cut to me suddenly being thrust into a friendship a lot more intense than any other friendship I had been a part of. Cut to the end of Freshman year.

My second year, I became roommates with The Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll stop being all weird and secretive. Most of you know I fell for my roommate, and that her name was Janel. But my college self, who was confused by attraction and by what the intensity of certain feelings towards people meant, had no idea. 

Despite the fact that the people around me were telling me that what I was describing was clearly romantic, I didn’t want to admit to myself they might be onto something. I was even confronted a few times about how I identified at school. Here I was, this girl with short hair who was super close to her roommate. Like, we held hands. It was, um, super gay. It was super, super gay and I wouldn’t talk about it.

 I knew I might want to kiss her. I also knew I didn’t want to be one of Those Girls that makes out with their queer friend and then backs out immediately. 

See, because the thing was, I knew she wasn’t straight. And that added whole other levels to the situation. I knew if I kissed her she wouldn’t mind. And that was a big, open possibility that scared me right to the back of the questioning closet. 

What if I kiss her and I don’t feel anything?

What if she wants to kiss me back and I hurt her?

What does it mean if I want to kiss her?

What if I kiss her and I do feel something?

Am I gay?

Am I bi?

Is it just her?

What if I hurt her what if I hurt her what if i hurt her?

That’s basically the first semester of sophomore year in a nutshell. And then, one night, things reached a tipping point of sorts. We were playing Friends trivia and drinking absolutely foul sweet tea vodka and lemonade. We were beyond drunk, and when she asked how I would feel about her kissing me, I said she should.

When I woke up the next day, I was scared. And I panicked. Because it had definitely meant something, but that meant I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t know how to deal with a self that wasn’t straight. I had no blueprint for that, so I said it didn’t mean anything. And I hurt her.

The thing is, I always take time coming to terms with things. I’m not necessarily scared of change, but I’m scared of becoming someone new. Because I don’t know that person, and I’m intimidated by people I don’t already know. I’m scared of telling others the ways I have changed, and forcing them to relearn me. It feels like a process, changing part of your identity, and that process was too big to conceptualize. So I made bad choices, I ran, and I spent a month and a half of winter break trying to decide who I was.

When I came back to school, I felt like I had a new version of myself I could live with. My personal identity, the words I used, they didn’t matter. What mattered is that I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Thus began the portion of my life where I identified as idk I guess I’m just attracted to pretty people. I think I stole that one from Orange is the New Black, probably because that show is terrified of saying the word B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Shhh, don’t let the showrunners know that it’s real and out there!

After a while, I got into the bi pride side of tumblr. It vibed with me and how I felt about myself. Part of being able to accept my same gender attraction came from Korrasami - two bi girls who fell for each other in Legend of Korra. It came from reading miles of Dean Winchester is bi meta. And finally, after a few months, I was able to accept that label for myself. I had a boyfriend in high school and I thought David Tennant was pretty, which meant of course I still had to fit my relationships with men somewhere into my sexuality. I was bisexual, and I wore that word with pride.

It took a really long time to not identify as bi anymore. I mean, when I semi-came out to my grandmother I was still using the word “bisexual” to describe myself. I wouldn’t tell anyone else that word, anyone but Janel, but it felt like maybe it was a place for me to meet in the middle. To still know myself, but to know myself better. I could be the person I was, but I could also be someone new.

For a while on YouTube I was like ~undercover gay~. Like, in a “everyone knows” way but also in an “I don’t talk about it” way. My family watched my channel, and I wasn’t ready for that conversation. I adored my girlfriend, but there was still this constant underlying terror that I would hurt everyone around me if I changed again. If I told my family my identity, and it changed, I didn’t know how anyone would be able to deal with it. I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it. 

I was also terrified of the word “lesbian”, but like that’s a whole other list of internal shit I don’t want to get in to because this post is long enough as it is. 

When I finally started to use the word “gay”, it felt like a step in the right direction. But it was also a tiptoe. I said it, terrified people would come out of the woodwork asking about my past relationships and interest in men. That they would confront me for thirst posting about popular tumblr dudes on my fandom blog. I whispered the word and it maybe felt right, it maybe felt like a little zing in my chest, but it also felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Maybe a part I wasn’t comfortable with and never had been, but still this definite chunk of who I had been was just no longer a part of how I was identifying myself.

And that’s fucking terrifying. 

Gradually, lesbian became my word. It became a word that encapsulated why I never felt fully comfortable around men. Why I didn’t want relationships with them. It became an affirmation for the fact that I had always had an underlying attraction to women. I felt more confident when I saw Willow Rosenberg, a girl who had a boyfriend in high school, identify confidently as a lesbian in college. Because that was my story and it was ok for that to be my word. It helped me feel more confident in my attraction to women in general, and in that confidence I was able to recognize a difference in how I felt about men.

My sexuality journey was long, and it was difficult. It involved trying things that were scary, and stepping out of a self I knew to find a self I loved so much more. The confidence I found in grasping and being able to explain new parts of my identity made me happier and stronger than I had ever been in my life. Lesbian is my word. I use gay, I use queer. They are all me. But when I walked at Pride this year, it was a lesbian flag I had pinned on. Because it encapsulates me and makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel proud.

Now, real fast at the end here, a couple of notes. Bisexual was a stepping stone word for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a stepping stone sexuality. It was a word I needed to help me figure out who I was, but that does not remotely encapsulate what being bisexual is. I have known girls who used lesbian and then knew that the word bisexual was more theirs. I have seen people who always knew that bisexual was their word. So I am in no way putting my experiencing of identifying as a person with multiple gender attraction on some kind of all-around temporary status. Bisexual peeps, your word is valid and so are you.

Also, my word doesn’t mean I eliminate trans folks. The word lesbian includes trans women, and I’m not here to have an asinine argument with anyone about that. Just putting it out there.

This was a long one, but sexuality is so goddamn difficult and it took years for me to start to learn about myself. And I’m still learning. Maybe I’ll find a new word someday that fits like a glove, and that will be scary but it will also be okay. And if you don’t have your word yet, and maybe you don’t want a word, that’s okay too. The most important thing is finding a way to be happy with yourself, whatever way you choose to package it. It’s about doing research, trying scary things, and maybe feeling like you can find a way to know yourself a little better one day at a time. 

Alright, that’s where I am going to wrap up. Thanks so much for reading about my messy process of self discovery, and feel free to share your own stories too - in a reblog or a message. You are all beautiful and your experience is valuable. I’m just here to share a little bit of mine. 

[dearatna]

I'm gonna write a little something because it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I knew of Wynonna Earp pretty early on. When you visit AfterEllen at least once a day (I don't anymore), there's no way that I could've missed a show with a scene like the one Officer Haught first appeared in, the Shorty's one. You know which one I'm talking about. But I never got really too into it because one, I wasn't really looking for a show to get into, and two, there was no legal way for me to watch it and I was kind of not into torrenting anything at the time, you know? Then came the summer of 2017. Two really important things happened here. One is that I got an internship, and two, Wynonna Earp became available on Netflix. Internship is great sometimes, but it can also be boring. So I decided to finally watch Wynonna Earp. Season 1 was great, so I went lurking around on YouTube for clips of season 2. And as a queer female person, season 2 was AMAZING. I would say I started watching around early July, so they would've been around episode 6? And so far, the WayHaught relationship was so, so good. Two women in a healthy, happy relationship, kissing and cuddling all the time? One of them dancing for the other? Basically no homophobia or gay panic? Everyone, even the 100-something year old man, accepting and seeing how much these two ladies care about each other? No relationship drama, but still dramas of other kinds? What a breath of fresh air! I made a comment a few weeks back about how literally no one else is kissing as much as these two are. I think at the time I said there was only one episode where they didn't kiss at all. But I don't watch Wynonna Earp just for the lady kisses and singing dancing Waverly. I also watch because of how unapologetically feminist this show is. There is more female characters than there is male. The females are all badasses who can definitely make their way with no help from men at all, not that the help they do get from them went unappreciated. They're all well rounded characters with their own personality and flaws. Wynonna is a little dumb sometimes and is really crass, but she loves her sister so much and is quite literally the only person who can take down these demons. Waverly is young, which brings an innocence and naivety sometimes, but she's hella smart and is crucial to their operation. If Wynonna is the soul of the group, Waverly is the heart. Nicole is not just the love interest. She's strong and brave and has an outstanding moral compass. She takes no shit from anyone, not even her girlfriend's sister. She wants to be seen as capable and cam come off a little too headstrong, wanting to be the best and the hero that sometimes she doesn't realize there's also worth in doing the small, ordinary things. Rosita is a revenant but she's got a good heart. She is also hella smart with three, THREE PhDs. (Even if one of them is an online certification.) She didn't really trust anyone except for Doc at first, but she started warming up to everyone, one by one, and she's probably now as integral a part of the team as anyone else. Four women. None of them fighting over a man. Not even Wynonna and Rosita over Doc. Wynonna knows Doc cares about Rosita and Rosita knows that Wynonna is an important part of Doc's life. The altercation between Wynonna and Rosita might be tinged slightly by how they both feel about Doc, but you know that down at the nitty gritty of it, Wynonna is hell bent on ending this curse and it's just unfortunate that Rosita is one of those that she needs to take down, and that's why she's not the biggest fan of Rosita. This show came into my life at a time where I was questioning my relationships with a few very important people in my life. And here is this show with so many beautiful relationships. There's the great sisterly bond that I love because I have three younger sisters and I get it, I resonate with how Wynonna would do basically anything to protect her sister. Their story is the greatest love story in the whole show and you can't convince me otherwise. There's also the romantic relationship between Waverly and Nicole. They've fought over things but never once did they ever question each other's feelings about each other, just the intentions of their actions. Waverly never hated Nicole, even when she lied to her and found out she was married. And though we have yet to see Nicole's reaction to Waverly kissing Rosita, I have no doubt that this will not change how Nicole feels about Waverly. She may or may not be mad, and she may or may not shut out Waverly for a while, but I believe in love and I believe these two love each other so much. There's the relationship between Wynonna and her boy toys. They're not actually her boy toys. Dolls and Doc both equally care about Wynonna. They've both made it well known to each other that they want Wynonna and they're willing to fight for her. But they also know that actually fighting for her is the worst way to win her heart. They're gonna let her choose who she wants. A part of me don't want her to choose, I want her to have two boyfriends. Wynonna also don't particularly care to choose at the moment. She cares about the both of them and probably would be really sad if one of them decided to not be a part of her life anymore. So I say don't choose and just be with both of them, yeah? There's so much more to say! I can write pages and pages about this show and the characters in this show and I would still not be finished! So I'll finish this one for now as it is 5 in the morning and I should probably try to sleep before I need to head out for class. I hate Saturday classes.

[lunasaturnine]

I love teaching so so much

I am reading sabrina’s article about chiron. She is so smart. She is so tuned in. I was chatting with her once and reading her writing and just going “wow” and I said “you have pluto-mercury aspects right” and she said “yes”

I do too. That’s bc I’m COOL #COOL #COOLPPL #COOLASTROLOGERS

I have arm injury so often now that I’m thinking it’s time to relax playing ambitions at this point. That seems obvious, honestly. I am learning so much from teaching, un-learning and re-learning... not just about Life but literally just about technique and how to practice and why. I honestly think teaching is like one of the very best things that has ever happened to me. I would say the best but it ties with all the other life-changing bests.

My friends are all at the height of their playing badassery, and I’m finding myself in comparison mindset with them. But I know I’m doing something different. 

I like the idea of 3-year cycles... What if I teach in Auburn for 3 years? I’m just starting year 2 now. This is so amazing compared to a year ago when I got all these students. It REALLY IS like a garden. I have tended to their technique like a gardener, and seen all of it slowly grow. It is the pace of the earth. It is the Taurus pace I was craving. I was getting impatient because the weeks were slipping by and all looking the same. But then I started to see them sprout out of the ground and unfurl their little leaves. And it was ONLY BECAUSE OF ME! They couldn’t have done that with C*pi. I was taking all these ordinary people who just decided they wanted violin lessons, and turning them into violinists. I was cultivating latent talent. I was the master fucking gardener! I still am! 

TAURUS TIME! It’s the stillness of the slow moving seasons. It’s the turning of the big wheel.

How good has it been for learning to live with having flaws? INCOMPARABLY GOOD. Because I started out as a good teacher, but I had no idea about a lot of stuff. And, it had consequences. But they were only as bad as consequences were. And I learned. And now I can look back and see the huge mistakes I was making, but still be understanding of where I was then, and...

Learning is actually scary. I didn’t understand that for a while bc I’m so brainy so I just knew everything. But when I didn’t know something, it was so scary that I just shorted out and didn’t approach it at all. Now I can approach it and view how scary it actually is. And u can just gulp and keep going because it’s okay.

Umm... so what if I sit here, teach for 3 years, take the gigs I want, and don’t chase after “greatness”. That will be cool. Ya? And you know what the thing about that is? I can feel that that is the road to the artistic clarity that I want - much more so than these auditions and ambitions. And I wanna just let my friends be awesome in the ways they are awesome, and me be awesome in my secretive twelfth house chironic galactic way.

...

The other thing is that I’m thinking of re-starting astrology consultation a little bit, but in the course of email exchange. Im gonna see if that works better than straight chart readings. Bc when I’m emailing someone I always think of astrological things to say, like my friend who is like “I spent some time focusing on the inner and my outer changed too, it seems contradictory” and I look at her chart and her north node is conjunct her moon in the FOURF house and so I know automatically that talking about the mechanism between inner and outer would clear things up immediately

So I have two “clients” who are gonna pay me money if I reply astrologically to their emails. We’ll see how it goes. One is a double aqua and she patiently listed the things going on in her life. The other is a cancer-ass-cancer and went all feeling. It’s gonna be easier to work with the feelings. Maybe I can hone my requests: “Tell me a big spiritual experience that happened.” “Tell me the most interesting thing that has happened to you in the past week.” “What was the weirdest feeling you had recently?” The mundane things about jobs and whatever are important too but, idk. “What kind of energy do you want to make more of in the world?” I need deep shit to work with. Maybe?

Fooling around with that, I can TELL that I am in an awkward beginning stage, like I was a year ago with violin lessons... but I don’t feel bad bc I don’t need to :)

What if I was a total dick and took on “STUDENTS”? Grace told me I would be a good life coach. I don’t want ppl who want a life coach but I kinda want ppl who want students. What qualifies me to teach them? Only that I’m happy as fuck and also hot and I don’t make drama out of my problems.

I’m going to mull about that. There are several people - queers and girls - who I seem to already have that kind of relationship with. Yes you Maxine you know it. And then L** and K***** and this chick C****** and... maybe O**** Haha and possibly R***

These are all intense people with tons of power. It would be fun to get down to the nitty gritty with them in an essential way. They are definitely witches.

If I let this just happen in a non-official way that might be really good too. I’ve got these two cool ppl I’m talking to now, and I’m going to see what happens if I view them like I view my students: plants I’m watering.

I have so much more to say as usual. 

I’m sooooooooo excited for uranus moving into taurus