#thank god i have a lot already saved on my external drive but. i am Very Tired

[analyticallymindedaa]

well. was gonna write. was gonna do Many thing. but my laptop bluescreened so idk when i'll be on 🙃🫠

[jojotichakorn]

@octopisunsets said: Her nephew literally tried to do the Bad Thing to himself because he was so worried he would hurt Yuhan. Of COURSE her first instinct would be to remove him from the very person that drove him to attempt the Bad Thing.

major trigger warning for discussions of suicide in this post !!

so , let’s talk about the aunt , shall we ?

first of all , yoo han didn't " drive yeon woo to his suicide attempt " . how can you even say that ? what drove yeon woo to it was the idea that he is a monster , that what he is is bad - the idea that the world ( his aunt included ) forced onto him repeatedly .

i'm going to give you a clear metaphor . a good chunk of queer people have an especially hard time dealing with both internal and external homophobia at this specific point . considering how homophobic society is , it is already very hard to be queer on your own , but when you have a partner , things really set in motion . who you are is no longer a theoretical thing homophobic people around you can ignore ( especially if you aren't visibly queer and/or are in the closet ) - because at this point you become visibly queer and you step out of the closet , you have a partner . and then imagine , you are already in this complicated situation , and then you come to your aunt ( the only family you have left and the woman you live with ) and she says she doesn't approve . it's very akin to the whole " you shouldn't do this , because the world is so homophobic and it would be so hard on you " and " i wouldn't want you to live the kind of heavy life those people live " . do those ideas come out of love ? perhaps . but it doesn't matter , because they come from blatant homophobia as well . and in immortal words of my best friend : love is useless if it hurts the other .

second of all , his aunt was against them from the start and she still is at the end of the series . even though she allows them to be together ( and thank gods for that ) , she does not approve .

when she first finds out about yoo han , the scene that happens between her and yeon woo is terrifying . 

both my parents are fucking shitheads , so i am all too familiar with the layout , which can sometimes be scarier than kicking and screaming . the silence , the angry disappointed look , it’s all there . 

she gives yeon woo time to bask in his own shame . she makes sure he comes to the conclusion of what he’s done wrong on his own . the impact is always stronger that way . and then the verdict .

it always comes . right away . it’s harsh , it’s unforgiving . sometimes , it isn’t even true . sometimes it’s just emotional blackmail that they hope will lead their child to the conclusion they want from them without too much fuss . the delivery is also often completely emotionless , to give the verdict an air of a fact rather than a decision that can be argued .

and then we see the aunt show her true face .

the face that’s selfish - first and foremost , it’s always selfish . they always have something that they want for their child ( or rather - for themselves in connection to the child ) , and it matters more than what their child themself wants . 

and don’t tell me yeon woo is selfish here as well , because in this clear parent/child power imbalance , the child can not be selfish . ultimately , the aunt makes all decisions , she is in charge of his life ( also known as the reason why children are oppressed and we have the convention on the rights of a child - i don’t actually know if yeon woo is a minor here or not , so children’s rights might not specifically apply to him , but the point still stands - the parent makes the decisions ) . this is not a balanced conversation . this is not a dialogue of what each of them wants - it is a monologue of what the aunt wants with yeon woo’s attempts to protest and have his opinion valued even a little bit .

she has lost her sister , and there is a possibility she will lose him too . her first thought isn’t what yeon woo wants - that he wants to try , that he knows the possibilities and dangers all too well himself . her first thought is her own wants and needs .

and she realizes it too . when yeon woo breaks down , she backtracks . 

but she doesn’t stop , does she ? 

she continues reminding him that he is acting exactly like his mother ( you know , the one that went MISSING , the one they LOST ) at every turn . you know what this reminds me of ? when i first came out to my mother back when i was identifying as a guy , she made every single conversation we had about how i am the most feminine girl in the world and i could never be anything , but a girl . 

it’s the relentless reminders , it’s this idea that they make sure to put into your head . they do it because they hope that one day you will hear it so many times , you will start believing it yourself . 

but may i remind you , this sister the aunt talks of is yeon woo’s mother ? it isn’t as if he hasn’t experienced the same thing she has - he lost his mom , who he loved more than anyone else in the world ! and she uses this fact to make him do what she wants . i also remind you that yeon woo’s mother - you know , an actual mono - was proud of who she was . she told yeon woo stories of how she met his dad , and how he will one day also meet someone who will be this incredible person that brings color and love into his life .

and don’t you dare tell me that the aunt , who is a regular ass fucking person , knows more about the hardships of being a mono than yeon woo’s mom ( who - i repeat - was an actual mono ) . the aunt doesn’t know shite about the experience , she is terrified of it and what it can do , and she is very much perpetuating the idea of it being monstrous , she always has . 

and then yeon woo breaks down , because he starts believing it . fully now . he is a monster . and after his aunt finds him , what is her first instinct ? that’s right - to send him to what is basically the equivalent of a conversion camp . ( no , seriously , the whole concept and the framing of yoo han as specifically saving yeon woo from there - it’s pretty straightforward ) .

and then a change happens . the aunt realizes that oop - actually , if she continues forbidding yeon woo and yoo han’s relationship , she will lose yeon woo anyway . and that , of course , won’t do , since that’s what she was so scared of in the first place . so she reluctantly allows them to be together . why do i say reluctantly ? well , because of this final scene with the aunt :

( pro tip : this is actually not what support looks like - just saying ! )

also , just to mention some quick statistics , being supported for who you are at home helps out children a lot . all children , but especially my dear lgbtq+ children . for example , my fellow trans folks have a suicide rate of 40% . according to different studies , it drops to anywhere between 20% to 15% in case of family acceptance . 

to say that yeon woo’s suicide attempt was due to him finding his probe and finally fully embracing being a mono is the same as to say that my suicide attempt three years ago was due to me being trans and finally accepting it . neither are true . it was because we both had shitty , unsupportive home environments . 

so actually , now that i have explored this whole thing more carefully , i retract my statement . the aunt isn’t just icky , she fucking sucks !

oh and by the way , don’t try to show me moments where the aunt was “ nice “ or whatever - that will only prove that you don’t know shit about the topic . it’s the one day in a week rule that so often confuses people , who end up in abusive relationships . “ oh , they are perfect almost every day , but then there is a time once a week ... “ - no amount of candy given every monday can make up for a bruise planted every sunday . 

- yours truly , unwilling expert on shitty parents ( no , seriously , i wish i didn’t know and couldn’t see any of this shit , but alas , my life took an ugly turn in the family department ) .

[cdelphiki]

Jason saw it happen before it did.  

It was one of the many, many reasons he hated working with the bats.  They had no idea how to deal with his style of combat.

But that’s what happens when the Bat refuses to let any of his precious little soldiers train with guns.  They have no idea how to fight with them.

Now, perhaps that was a bit unfair.  The demon should know how to work alongside firearms.  Should know better than to jump in front of any gun, especially that of his ally.  Especially when it’s being fired.  Especially without warning. But the demon could be pretty thick sometimes.

Him and his stupid tunnel vision.

That’s what caused this situation.

Jason hadn’t even been aware Damian was there. 

Why was Damian in the warehouse with him, and why the fuck was he getting himself involved in Jason’s case?

This was solidly a Red Hood case.  No need for any of the bats to get involved.  And definitely no reason for Robin to get involved.

Yet here he was.

Dropping down from the rafters just as Jason was pulling the trigger.  Aimed at the guy’s leg, thank you very much.  Even if every last thug in this warehouse deserved death.  

This was a child trafficking ring, after all.  

And Jason saw it all happen before it did.  Damian dropped down too suddenly, his yellow cape barely a flash in Jason’s vision before his body was fully in front of Jason’s outstretched arm.  In front of the barrel of his gun.  His finger was already squeezing, his aim set.  No movement could have saved him.  

There was nothing Jason could do but watch in slow-motion horror as the bullet exploded out of his glock and ripped into Damian’s back.  Right into his side, probably hitting a rib and nicking his lung.  

“Holy fuck, kid,” Jason shouted, leaping over Damian’s crumpling form to shoot the last few men left standing, including the idiot Damian just shielded, “What the shit?”

Had he been shielding this moron?  Jason sure hoped not, because they would need to have a serious discussion about who is worth Damian’s life.  Human traffickers with a penchant for 6-year-olds definitely were not it.

Panting now, Jason spun back to face Damian, taking in the way he was hunched over, barely keeping himself up on his knees with one hand, the other doing absolutely nothing as it clutched at the front exit wound.  “Didn’t your mom ever teach you not to jump in front of a gun?” 

Damian cut his eyes up at Jason and let out a bitter, scathing, “Didn’t she teach you not to shoot at allies?”

“This is not my fucking fault!” he shouted, running over and sliding to a stop right in front of the brat, on his knees to assess the wound, “You jumped in front of me.  You didn’t even warn me you were there you stupid fucking brat.”

“Tt.” 

It was bad.  

The usual fire engine red of Robin’s tunic was quickly morphing into a deep crimson as Damian’s breathing became labored.  

“Shit.”  Jason started rifling around his supplies, trying his best to staunch the bleeding.  But there was so much.  It was happening so fast.  “Shit shit shit.”

Robin was going to die.  Right here in front of Jason.  

Bruce was going to be so pissed.

Fuck.

“How stupid are you?” he mumbled, pressing more gauze on Damian’s back.  He was basically cradling the brat in his arms now as he attempted to quell the bleeding on both sides at once.  

“I’m not the one,” Damian wheezed, then paused to take in a breath, his right hand clumsily attempting to help Jason apply pressure to the front wound, “who shot his ally.”

“I was pulling the trigger  before I saw you!”  Jason pulled out the last of his gauze and added it to the back set, which had already bled through.  The front was bleeding through, too.  “Fuck, where do you keep your supplies?”

With his left hand, Damian tapped at a pocket, so Jason raided it for more.  “Did you call for backup?”

Damian grimaced.  

Of course he fucking didn’t.

“You stupid brat if you die I am going to kill you.”

“Well you are…. The one who… shot me.”

“Shut up!” Jason reached up and felt around the comm in Damian’s ear for the button, then started babbling once he thought it was on. 

“Fuck I need backup here.  This stupid little bird went and got himself shot and he needs medical attention.  Probably five minutes ago.  Shit.  Robin is it working are they hearing me?”

“Yes,” Damian bit out, “I’m fine… Red Hood… shot me.”

“He jumped in front of my gun,” Jason shouted, already having flashbacks of Bruce beating the shit out of him.  Or flash-forwards.  Visions.  Something. 

Bruce was going to kill him.

“Affirmative,” Damian wheezed, his head lulling a little forward, “Friendly… fire.”

“Dammit, Dames.  I swear to God.  Stop leaking all your blood out, it’s supposed to stay inside.”  

“Do you ever… shut up…  You malodorous oaf.”

Jason scowled at the brat, resisting the urge to pause in his tight wrapping of Damian’s torso. “Did you just call me a malodorous oaf?  What are you?  Eight?”

Well, actually.  He’s eleven.  So close enough.

“Tt.”  A good ten seconds passed before Damian added, his speech slurring, “That is what you are.”

“Is your comeback really ‘I know you are but what am I?’ Oh my God, who even are you?”

“Todd,” Damian said, his head slumping fully forward, landing on Jason’s chest. 

And Jason heard a lot in that one word.  In his name.  It was almost like a plea for help.  For comfort.  For reassurance, maybe?

Stop panicking, Todd.  You need to keep it together for the little guy.

Jason hefted Damian up into his arms as he stood, ready to run out into the street and find a way to help Damian himself.  “It’s okay, brat.  You’re fine.”

His little body was too still in his arms.  His breathing too shallow.  His face too pale.

The red staining the bandages was too much for Jason to look at, so he wrapped the brat’s cape around.  The black outer-layer would at least conceal the blood.  

“Come on, Damian.  Stay with me, okay?”

It was quiet.  So quiet Jason almost missed it, but Damian let out a soft, “Tt,” that reignited Jason’s drive to save him.  It wasn’t too late.  He just needed attention within the next couple minutes, and he’d be fine.  

Jason was about at the point of ripping the kid’s comm out of his ear and shoving it into his own, but the second he stepped outside the warehouse, he could hear the batmobile racing toward him.  It was three blocks away, at most.  

“I think the comm is still active,” Jason said, clutching Damian a little tighter to his chest, “We’re standing right outside the warehouse now.  Hurry, he’s lost consciousness.”

“Hnnnn,” Damian groaned, making Jason roll his eyes.

“He’s almost lost consciousness,” he amended, just as the batmobile came to a screeching halt in front of him.  

“Get in,” Batman growled, the passenger door sliding open in one smooth motion, “both of you.”

Nodding shakily, Jason hopped in, barely getting the door shut behind him before Batman was racing off again.  

He slid the chair back so he could set Damian in it and kneel in the space between the dash and the seat.  Batman pressed a button that reclined the chair back all the way, turning it into a makeshift cot.  

“There is more gauze in the compartment under the seat, and a pint of Damian’s blood in the refrigerator behind mine,” Bruce grumbled.  

The next fifteen minutes passed by in a blur.  A blur of Jason performing emergency first aid while Bruce tensely sped them back to the cave.  

Damian…

Damian required surgery.  There was some internal bleeding as well as the obvious external.  Leslie had to be called in.  He needed several more transfusions and was in surgery for hours.  

It wasn’t until about 10 in the morning did Jason get to change out of his uniform.  Shower off all the dried sweat and blood from his body.  Let out a long breath.  

He was still in the cave and Bruce hadn’t said more than two words to him outside shouting commands regarding Damian’s treatment.  

Jason had shot Damian.

Again. 

And he’d almost died.

Again. 

If he were Bruce, he’d ship him off to Arkham right now.  Or get in touch with Superman and figure out a way to send him off to the Phantom Zone.  

Or just kill him. 

But knowing Bruce, he was probably just going to get screamed at and punched a few times.  Just like all the other villains in Gotham.  

He really should put his armor back on, he thought idly as he slipped on one of Bruce’s t-shirts and a pair of his sweats Jason had found in one of the lockers.  But he didn’t really deserve the protection it offered.  

Damian almost died. 

Slowly, Jason made his way out of the showers and back into the cave proper.  He didn’t even put shoes on.  Just socks.  He wasn’t really expecting being able to leave anytime soon, anyway.  

“Jay,” Bruce greeted tiredly from where he was keeping vigil at Damian’s bedside.  He’d also showered and changed, but probably upstairs or something.  Since Jason hadn’t seen him in the cave’s facilities.  

“Bruce,” he said back, sticking his hands in his pockets, refusing to step closer.  If Bruce wanted to do this, he’d have to come to Jason.  He prepared himself for the lecture.  For the screaming.  For the accusations of trying to kill Damian.  Again.  

It’s all his own brain was yelling at him.

“His vitals have stabilized,” Bruce said instead, turning his head back to the sleeping form on the cot, “he should be fine.”

“That’s good,” Jason rasped, nodding.  

A good minute passed.  Then two.  Three.  All in tense silence. 

“I’m sorry,” Jason finally said, at the same time Bruce rushed out a pained, “Thank you.”

Which, actually got Jason’s attention.  “Wait, what?”

“Thank you,” Bruce repeated, “for taking care of him.”

“But,” Jason stuttered, “but I shot him.”

“He jumped in front of your bullet,” Bruce said simply, “It’s different.”

“It-” Jason spluttered, blinking at Batman.  At Bruce.  

Who the fuck was this guy and what had he done to the normal broody asshole?

Jason flinched as Bruce walked closer, eliciting a frown from the man as he did.  Regardless, Bruce placed a hand on the base of Jason’s neck, squeezing just slightly.  Just enough to provide that modicum of comfort.  That morsel of reassurance. 

“This was not your fault,” Bruce asserted, shaking Jason ever so slightly, as if to force his words to penetrate Jason’s walls.  To go in deep and stick.  “You did good.  You saved him.”

“But, I-” Jason said, and he hated himself for how whiney his voice sounded.  How broken and despairing. 

“You did good,” Bruce repeated, dragging Jason in close to wrap his arms around, “He’s fine.  You did good.”

“Okay,” Jason whispered, because he had nothing else to say.  Nothing was coming to mind.  

Because Bruce was hugging him and practically saying he was proud.  

There was nothing to say to that.

Because that’s all he ever wanted.  

It wasn’t his fault. 

Damian was going to be fine.

“You did good.”

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown. org/works/17738375

[gg-astrology]

Sunshine, what’s your opinion on a Cancer Sun, Aries Moon & Sag rising? Your page is incredible! I’ve been bingeing on your posts and learning so much about astrology, thank you! Have a nice day🤗✨

S-sunshine?? 💕💕💕 perhaps i am buRSTING ✨ from how kind you are and that is SUCH a sweet nickname sdkhfajdn 💕💕💕  t-thank u so much!!  🙇🏻‍♀️💕  im just happy u enjoy them!! 💕💕💕

[Below Cut: Cancer Sun - Aries Moon] ♋️

Don’t really get to talk about cancer much but I’m excited to do so!

One of those people who WILL take care of you and no you don’t have choice on this matter!! 

They know what’s best for you, and they aren’t afraid to take the necessary step to do things for you 

because ‘god, are you going to do it some of these days??’

They know that grasping the window of time and opportunity is crucial, and sometimes their friends might not realize that so they have to take initiative for them 

One of those friends who will listen to you talk about your problem/self, and then they’ll go do things (demonstrative/practical) to get the ‘balls moving’ 

Mayhaps they will show up at your house one day and bring gifts you didn’t ask for– they heard you wanted this, so they got it for you

They just want to make your life more convenient y know? Like so you can focus on YOUR problem 

They can get huffy tho, like if someone declines their gift they need an explanation/reasoning for it. They want to know what to do, what they did wrong, what the other person thinks/needs/feel/want. 

It’s like ‘why? I got it for you because you were saying x and x.’  

While they are– absolutely adorable when dealing with people they can be a tad bit intense for others to get to know as well.

Always on the move, on the go. For a Cancer they’re one of those people who can’t stay in a place for too long because ‘it feels stuffy’ 

But at the same time, they want to be ‘home’ and get some time to relax/be around people they care about. 

There’s always things to do with them, like to others it’s like they always have obligations to go settle. ‘I have to do this now’ and they go off to save the world

Yet for some reason, confronting themselves or saving themselves is hard for them to do.

Self-acceptance and self-love may be something they struggle with. As they tend to ‘bury’ these feelings underneath a ‘stronger’ face of practicality

They may have a hard time sitting down and looking at things introspectively, this is mostly because they’re constantly concerned about the external world/material world 

If they’ve had pains in their past, challenges that left a deep wound. They learnt how to cope with it but they have a hard time learning how to heal.

They may think the problem is ‘dead’ to them because the time passage has passed now, but they’ll remain staring at that grave. Because they never got a ‘complete’ spiritual closure for it.

I– my heart breaks just talking about this, they just want to be strong for others. As well as themselves. They want to be Strong so they’re always working hard to demonstrate it.

Yet– they have to learn how to heal too. They’ll have to eventually sit down, and possibly talk to a earth-sign they’re comfortable with (or maybe a Pisces/Aries who has more emotional maturity than them) 

They’ll need to make admittance, to themselves and to others. It may be hard, since they’re so hardened to ‘being strong’ that they may deny any other emotions or feelings besides the one they already know/let through in their daily life.

But learn– that you do have a large array of emotions that while you might not have control over– would help you a lot if you let them through.

Admittance is the hardest part, just– to themselves sometimes.

Sometimes, being at the bottom of the hill feels like they’re breaking. Like all their layers breaks away and they don’t have a direction/purpose to go from there. 

The purposeless feeling is daunting, what’s going to happen now? Is it nothingness? It’s similar to a fear of death. Where some people may fear just— being nothing, having no purpose, just breathing but not living. 

Don’t feel so bad about it, letting yourself feel fear helps you be courageous.

Strong, the way you’re meant to be. That Aries Moon has so much potential for strength and healing. What they tend to do however, isn’t to combat people to prevent failing (cut it before it hurts them). The real lesson is to feel fear, genuinely use that fear to empower themselves.

Aries can benefit so much from using their emotions to propel themselves, their most ‘vulnerable’ feelings are the ones that will give them genuine courage and strength.

They want to be the protector? They can learn how to be a genuine protector once they’ve faced themselves too (take it bit by bit, you don’t have to rush with yourself as long as you’re trying)

 But generally– they are so devoted and true-hearted. One of the most steady person to those around them, with immense talent and drive to them that inspires others. If they can learn how to heal themselves too.

I hope this is good for you!! 💕💕💕 And I hope this is helpful ;; 💕💕💕 

[thesalvationofdoriangray]

Tense and Creepy

So my landlord under financial pressure and constant nagging from his wife accepted a tenant which on the outside appeared very suited to live with us. An elder man, sincere, Chinese, with a PhD in Chemisty. Things got weird not even two days into the move. Turns out he doesn't talk(not even say hi), uses other people's things, dosen't put things back the way it was before, wears his sandals upstairs, actively dodges and hides from us, and drives around the block in circles and paces back and forth on different streets. The creepiest thing is that my landlord claims one of his kitchen knives are missing. Vincent is a manager at a huge tech company and is a very sharp, disciplined, and orderly person. He wouldn't forget to wash a knife immediately after use. He says he is about 80% sure. There still is a 20% chance he misplaced it. So far my landlord has only received half of the deposit and only half of the documentation negotiated upon meeting. All the women in the house are spooked and I'm not going to lie, I am not comfortable. They say Jeff don't leave! I thought the days of locking my door and living in paranoia were far behind me. Nothing I haven't seen but still annoying. The real problem is he refuses to talk to my landlord, doesn't answer the phone, or open his door when knocking. My take is he is severely depressed and has been in darkness for years. He seems dissociated from reality and others. Almost like the voice inside his head is louder than anything externally. He is probably mentally sick BUT I do not find him to be a violent person. He does have an avoidant personality. My landlord wants to change the locks or call the police but that's not how the law works. In the state of California, verbal contracts hold their ground if a tenant stays shorter than a year. A written contract is necessary if tenant stays longer than a year. The only legal grounds to evict someone is if they fail to pay rent, are a disturbance to the other neighbors/tenants, conducts illegal activity and even then you need an eviction notice. Only if the tenant is violent, harrasses, threatens, or uses intimidation can you then apply for immediate eviction. All this has to go through the court system and is an utter pain. This process can also take months and a lot of time, energy, and money.

I urged my landlord to try with all efforts to make peace with him and if he needs help to find me right away. I suggested that before a tenant gets situated to put up signs saying please turn off the lights to save electricity, please close doors gently, please take off your shoes before walking up stairs and etc. This way tenants will know what to expect upon moving in. This is under the assumption that my landlord has already collected the deposit and first months rent, 2 forms of ID, resume, credit score, verified the tenant has a job and possibly do a background check. Much easier said than done when you're under financial pressure. He asked me to write something to send to the elder gentleman.

What my landlord said to me is very encouraging. It means a lot when someone believes in me and can see my potential. I do have managing experience. I was once lead in C2 operations at Amazon and those days proved to be useful and for that I'm thankful.

Lord God,

You already know the situation here is a little rocky. You led the Israelites through the Red Sea. With your guidance, no ocean is too deep or too wide for us to traverse. I pray that you bless my landlord and I with the wisdom and insight to handle this situation in a manner which is pleasing in your eyes. I don't know what Mr. Guo has been through but please give him a sound mind when we interact with him. Please watch over the safety of everyone in the house especially the ladies. Please allow this situation to unfold in peaceful way.

In the precious name of Christ, Amen

[shamelessliarkickapow]

So @borkf wrote this great piece of critical feedback for chapter 21 of The King’s Pet or The King! I finally finished a super long response that addresses character development and the trajectory of the story, so if you’re interested, borkf’s review is linked above and my response is under the cut.

To start, thank you so much! Thank you for writing this enormous, beautiful, thought-provoking critique, which shows so much investment in the project and awareness of its writer! Thank you for caring so much about my story, and for sticking with me even though I haven't been quick about the updates for the last forever, and also for being a part of my sad little patreon. I feel like I say 'this means so much to me' so much that it's lost meaning, but it continues to be true. I thought (and wrote!) a lot about the issues you raised over the past week, and I hope the following will at least address some of those gaps, if not alleviate them.

Let's start with Zuko's conflicts, which you're totally right about. Primarily, up to this point in the story, it's been Zuko vs. Katara on the surface and Zuko vs. Himself at the heart. Zuko vs. Ozai is also a big part of this story, but since Zuko has mostly just been struggling with his internal issues regarding his father up until now, it falls in the Himself category. That will change. Zuko has to resolve his inner conflict before he can take his place in the outer conflict that is the point of the story - Zuko vs. Ozai. Or, Team Avatar vs. The Fire Lord, or Good vs. Evil - or "Good" vs. "Evil". (Can I say how glad I am that you brought this up? I don't devote enough thought to things like this as I'm planning - I get so caught up in those exciting details…)

My focus tends more toward what characters desire. In Call Me Katto, Zuko's desires were super simple. Avatar, Katara, Go Home. Now, having achieved those things and found them all more complicated than they initially seemed, his desires are muddied. He still wants Katara, but he doesn't want to want her anymore, since that situation has turned so painful and shameful. He still wants his father's love and, though he isn't entirely honest with himself about it, that desire makes him want to go about things in the palace a certain way - be a proper prince, work the nobles to the Fire Lord's will, dominate the ministers, and so on - but he is also not entirely naive to what his father is capable of doing to him. The only driving force that remains uncomplicated at this point is Zuko's desire to fulfill his duty to his people - but the ways in which he tries to do that are strongly influenced by desire #2. I'll come back to that in a sec.

So far the story has been concerned with Zuko's progress toward enlightenment. Admittedly, i often go about these things in round-about ways, but I just want to make sure you know - this isn't intended to be a cliffhanger! I don't mean to make people wait unnecessarily for some closure on how he'll choose (he'll choose good! I swear!) but i also don't want to rush him into epiphany by letting him just suddenly see things clearly. So, on the one hand, I'm right there with you - I want to tell a well-crafted story that doesn't drag, but I also want to get at the heart of this transformation.

I had a creative writing teacher once who told me not to waste a lot of time on navel-gazing. He was talking about unnecessary reflection, and leading character's thoughts around in too-convenient paths of logic. The most stressful times in our lives are often characterized with spans of blindness. Abusive relationships, big moves, major lifestyle changes. We look at the immediate work we have to do, and at the sources of tension and friction in our day-to-day, and we forget about the overarching themes of that time of our lives. Zuko hasn't reflected a lot for a while because the time hasn't been right. He hasn't experienced the logical steps and more direct challenges to his perceptions that will drive him finally to his breaking point. I have so many ideas and plot points for the coming chapters, I've written dozens of pages of outlines, character reflections, and summaries, and most of what I'm working on now is centered on Zuko reaching the decision point and dealing with the complications that follow.

I was kind of surprised at how many people thought he might decide to jump aboard the Avatar Express in this last chapter (like you said, with no time to reflect or really consider it) but I guess I shouldn't be. We all kinda go into this story with the plot to season 3 in the backs of our minds. Zuko's got to join the Avatar in order to make his transition to the good side, because that's how it happened in the show.

In CMK and King's Pet, though, a lot of factors make that impossible right now. First off, like i said, Zuko has not yet reached his breaking point. Secondly, this AU is a little more mature, a little more realistic. Zuko is older. It may only be a couple of years, but it's enough to put him solidly in his majority, an adult in the eyes of the Fire Nation, and therefore old enough to handle some responsibilities of state. There are actual duties (to actual people) tying him to the Fire Nation, where the Zuko of the show by all appearances had only Mai and the occasional war meeting. There's a lot in this story physically holding him to the Fire Nation. Luckily, his transformation in this story doesn't have to be marked by him running off with the gang. But I'll come back to that.

Another thing keeping Zuko from defecting (and this is kind of a side note) is that the Avatar's cause still seems pretty hopeless, except to hope-huggers like Katara and Iroh. In this AU, nobody really knows about the Avatar State yet. Aang, having already interrupted his lessons with Guru Pathik, hasn't unlocked it, and nobody really realizes at this point just how powerful he can be. The gang has been focused on escaping since they got together, so there hasn't been much chance to dwell on it yet, but the doubts are coming. Mostly from Sokka. Ah, Sokka…

But getting back to Zuko's insistence on remaining loyal to his father/the Fire Nation/his people… That important third option you mentioned, where Zuko could rationalize betraying his father as a necessary act to save his people and be with Katara, that opportunity was lost way back when he joined Azula (his 'real' family, not the family that had just locked him up in a trunk) on the beach. At the present moment in the story, even though he at least partially recognizes how flawed his real family is (suspicious of Azula, wary of his father) that third option no longer makes sense. If Zuko joined the Avatar now, he would be giving up on winning his father's love and trust in the middle of Ozai's test. He still believes the strength of the Fire Nation cannot be defeated by one kid, so he would be abandoning the position of power from which he could actually help his people.

And, not least of all, he's come to realize that Katara's love is entirely out of reach to him. Even if he did change sides, he still wouldn't be worthy of her, firstly because of all he's done to her, and secondly because he would be turning his back on his father and his duty. But, as we've said, Zuko hasn't really had a chance to come clearly to these conclusions at this point. He's had no reason to really think of changing course. Things are still - if not optimistic - at least hopeful in the capital, and Zuko still believes he can fulfill his destiny there, if he can just resolve his most immediate moral qualms. (i.e. removing Katara and her friends) He's wrong, but he hasn't been confronted with that reality yet.

I do see what you mean about a confusing and vague dynamic, though. A hundred thousand words (o god why) and Zuko is still trying to have it both ways - winning his father's love, but also doing the right thing in secret. If I were a more devoted editor, I could probably lop out some chapters… and, if I'm being honest, if this wasn't fanfiction, I would probably be more ruthless about cutting the fluff and pruning down to a streamlined plot. As it is, I'm pretty loosey-goosey about including every narrative side-street and alleyway. You're right that Zuko hasn't made a lot of headway in his conflict with himself, but he has undergone some subtle changes since the start of King's Pet (accepting that he cannot change Katara's mind, colluding to free enemies of the state, choosing to free the Avatar rather than keep Katara hostage (that's a big treasonous one.)) They're mostly small steps, tiny compromises that mark a slow maturation. Soon, he'll be ready to assess where these compromises have taken him, and why. He'll be able to recognize that he didn't free the Avatar JUST because he wanted to get rid of Katara and the pain she causes him.

But yes, he's also regressed, too. Flip-flopped, as you said. He refuses to see Katara's side of things out of frustration and pride, because being angry at her is easier than being vulnerable and penitent with someone who finds satisfaction in causing him pain. He cannot completely bury his own guilt, though, which will ultimately aid in his redemption. Anyway, this issue hasn't been dropped, I promise.

So… confession… King's Pet is going to be the longest thing i've ever written, no doubt about it. The trajectory of the story might be unclear right now because I've written twenty beefy chapters full of details and mini-arcs and new characters and new settings that i did not skimp on because I wanted all of the material I could produce available for all the threads coming together in the ultimate struggle ahead. In the next five or so chapters, Zuko will reach his breaking point and his struggle will begin to shift from internal to external. Finally. 

After all, the title of the story is The King's Pet or The King - it isn't just about Zuko joining the Avatar, it's about him coming into his own as a ruler, which means dealing with all those pieces I've taken the time to position in Caldera.

For now though, suffice it to say that the Districts will be rising up against the Capitol. Sozin's Comet is still coming at the end of the summer, and Aang and the gang will be moving forward with that in mind. Sian and Pokui, Yotsu, Loska and the healers, Lord Gan and the ministers, Jee and the crew, Tyno, Zhao, the Northern Water Tribe rebels - all those characters have roles to play in the story ahead. It's just… a really long and rambling story, and maybe not as streamlined as it could have been. Chapter 21 wasn't a climax - it was Saving Private Sokka, part 1. A whole lot is still ahead. I know there's a lack of trajectory right now, but we're still in an action sequence. Things will change in the next chapter. :)

Healing between Zuko and Katara will take a long time, and a lot of little steps. (Stay with me? Don't leave me? Please?) But it will happen. It will start with corrections of personal action for both of them, an acknowledgement of minor wrongs, and mutual need for trust in a dangerous place. Then there will be shocking discoveries, bolder choices made, perils welcomed, and risks braved. Respect will be won again. The heat will rise by degrees. Something terrible will lead to a victory, twice. And after all that, the romance can emerge again, uncertain but more deeply-rooted than before.

Point being, and here's a little concrete spoiler, all that can't happen if Katara leaves Caldera now. She didn't get her final say in the throne room (partly out of embarrassment that her dad and uncles were watching her have that conversation about loving and lying and using) and she isn't finished with the task she's taken on in the Fire Nation. I debated on how to handle Hakoda leaving her there, and I finally realized that he couldn't. His trust in her judgement is shaken, he knows in his heart that leaving her behind is as good as never seeing her again, and she is the nearest thing he has remaining to Kya. He would never choose to leave her, so Katara has to take matters into her own hands. When she gets back to the Palace, you can bet she'll have some things to say to Zuko, and a lot of them are going to address the stuff you brought up.

Katara's conflict has always been more straightforward than Zuko's. She's fighting for her people and for her family and for the side of good, although the last has become more complicated since the beginning of the story. Forces and figures of authority stand in her way, and where she could fight them directly in Call Me Katto, she has had to change her approach in King's Pet. She still has to learn to fight in a more nuanced way, a way that doesn't compromise her identity, and she has to tackle this overwhelming challenge and not give up even though it would be so much easier to do things her father's way.

Katara's struggle fades into the background beside Zuko's, because despite uncertainty, her goal does not waver. Freedom, an end to the war, peace for her people, the Avatar triumphant. She has the luxury of knowing her father will always love her anyway, even if she breaks his heart. And while she butts heads with Zuko, and lashes out at him because he's the only person she can lash out at, her primary conflict remains Katara vs. Strictures of Society. There has been some Katara vs. Herself mixed in there, too, but her overarching fight right now is to establish herself in the eyes of others - as a powerful warrior, as an honorable and respectable public figure, as a compassionate hero. As Zuko begins making progress in his conflicts, Katara will also move forward. 

Anyway, I hope some of this has been useful, or at least reassuring about the direction of the story. And I hope it's not muddled. I feel like I ramble and talk in circles a lot with essay-type-things, so I hope you'll forgive that if I did it. If I forgot anything or you come up with new questions or observations, feel free to hit me up! Thank you again for your wonderful message and all the thought-provoking it did! I'll get a new scene up on Patreon in the next couple of days - maybe even tonight! Yay!

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 060621

6 June, 2021

Dear Dad--

Happy Sunday! Things are going very well here in Old Town, and it is my job that consumes most of my thoughts lately. For all the time I’ve spent talking about my casino career, it’s still just a part-time job right now. I’m only working about 7 hours a day, and only 4 days a week. So far, this has worked out great for me, because working full time at Progressive just about broke my brain. But, as I keep reminding myself, being an auditor full time at the Hollywood Hotel, Casino and Raceway in Bangor, Maine is probably going to be different from working full time taking phone calls from car accident victims. First, and most obviously, I won’t have to be cheerful and professional for customers all damn day. Some of this I already talked about last week.

Something I’ve noticed about my workplace: I am not monitored to make sure I’m working every second I’m there. And everybody swears. It’s getting truly glorious, all the swearing I’m being exposed to, now that I’ve been there long enough for everyone to learn that I’m cool with it. My boss, a skinny brainiac, and an I.T. woman got into a friendly tussle fight in my cubicle not long ago, with me in it, trying to work. And they were climbing on each other, calling each other, “Fucking bitch! Don’t break my...fucking bitch! You’re the fucking bitch!” and laughing their asses off. Progressive was far too lawsuit-averse to allow such merriment; everyone involved would have been terminated, and I’d probably get a $20 Starbucks gift card for the mental anguish it caused. (It did not cause any.)

Anyway, going full time at the casino will be a big deal for me, because I haven’t done it for many years. I mentioned Progressive ruining the experience for me. In order to keep working there for the last five or so years I was there, I only worked 6 hours a day. It was foolish, sticking with a job I disliked so much, for so long. (Glad I quit doing that.) But my boss at the casino, and his boss, and all the bosses, seem to think I’m not only doing well, but I’m doing very well there. My boss Tyler just expressed his surprise last week, when he realized I’d only been there for about 6 weeks. Because of how well I was doing with the audits, he had allowed himself to believe I’d been there a while longer.

To add a degree of difficulty to everything, there’s only three of us doing audits: myself, Tyler, and Chris. Chris is a large American fellow with a large American pickup truck, and he’s been auditing there for about 7 years, so he is also very good at it. Chris has decided to pursue a new career elsewhere, so at any moment, he is expected to give his two week’s notice, and then it’s just me, Tyler, and a new guy they hired. The new guy may be awesome, but he’ll still be two months behind me. (I therefore outrank him, and can make him do pushups if I want to.) and the three of us will attempt to do it all, just as summer is heating up, and we’re beginning to reopen all the restaurants and gaming tables since Covid shut them down. It should be challenging, but then, I’m apparently getting good at it, so bring it on.

Since I’ve decided to go full time with my job, I’ve decided I can stop worrying about running out of savings and having to eat cat food. Because of that, and the fact that I’m now fully vaccinated, I’ve put my home drive-in theater plan into action. I have to admit, I’m pretty excited about this shit. I have purchased a cheap digital projector. This is a shoebox-sized gizmo that projects a TV image, and has built-in speakers. So it’s a TV, but it’s projecting the image, so you need a screen, or a flat white wall. And it’s important that the space be dark, so the image is more clearly visible. Brightness of image is a big deal, especially if you want to use it during the day. Thanks to living in the future, these projectors are getting quite bright, and quite sharp, while costing less and less all the time. I was able to get a good one that comes with a screen for cheap.

The plan is this: I hang the screen on the side of my trailer next to the little rectangular patch of grass that constitutes our “yard.” There is an external electrical outlet just there, and I have an extension cord. Soon as there’s a Saturday with no bad weather in the forecast, I’ll invite the plant scientist guy, and his husband, and/or whomever, and we’ll sit outside in camping chairs and watch a movie projected onto the side of my trailer. I think this idea is pretty damn awesome, if I say so. The question then becomes: what do I show first? Since this would be the christening of Rick’s Backyard Drive-In Movie Show Palace, it should be something that has gravitas without being overly long. I’m thinking of the original Star Wars from 1977, or Close Encounters, or 2001: A Space Odyssey. I could also choose something that is not science fiction. But the point is, I’ll be projecting it onto a large screen, so it’s best if it’s something that looks impressive. Also it will be nice if it doesn’t traumatize the neighbors. (No loud Apocalypse Now helicopter attacks at midnight.) Maybe Blade Runner. Oh shit, that’s still science fiction. I keep thinking Lawrence of Arabia, but that shit is four hours long. Ditto for The Ten Commandments, though some folks I know would probably include The Ten Commandments in the science fiction category too.

So yeah, this is going to be pretty nice, once I get everything up and running. I have to install some kind of hooks that will hold the screen up. I have to try to get the screen flat, with a window and decorative shutters in the way. I have to make sure the external outlet works properly. Gotta wire it all up and test it, to get the projector positioned and focused. Then I gotta break it all down and bring it inside to store it, so nothing gets rained on. I have that popcorn machine that I can put outside, too. Hey, you fly Weidmann, you fly first class, baby!

It pleases me greatly to say that not much else is happening around here. The two cats are constantly playing together, although, because it is getting warmer, they don’t spend as much time sleeping on top of each other. Our neighbors recently ran out of cat food, so we bought them some, and now the neighbor wants to pay me back with weed. (My god, isn’t this place just the best?) And, like I said, the bosses at the job like me well enough that they’d like to see a lot more of me in the office each week. Also, my car, Beige Lightning, is running just fine and turned 100,000 miles while I was on my way to work Tuesday. I was too busy enjoying Maine’s bucolic highway vistas to notice it at the time, but I saw it at 100,003 when I arrived at work. And, we’re having a heat wave. (A tropical heat wave!) It’s in the 90s today and for the next two days. Maine ain’t built for that shit, so we’re going to have to run my beautifully-decorated AC unit a lot more than we’d anticipated. Glad we got it!

Hopefully nothing too exciting will happen over the next week, but I know I’m going to learn a new kind of audit that is very complicated. I’ll probably be in the thickest, most frustrating part of the learning process by next weekend, but I’ll be sure not to let it shorten my letter.

Stay cool! All my love to you both!