#thank you jen for always encouraging me in this story

[ljxlj48]

A Racer's Heart

Chapter 04

F1Driver!Jeno X Reader X F1Driver!Jaemin

Preview, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05…

Genre: love triangle, co-workers to lovers, slight enemies to lovers

Warnings: swearing, car crash

Word Count: 3.6K+

Author's Note: You know when I start my story, I always have an idea of where it's going but then I start writing and suddenly I have no idea where it's going. Like if you ask me who is y/n gonna end up with, I have no idea. Like you guys are finding out with me about how this story will turn out lmaooo. I also notice that this story isn't doing that well compared to my others, and idk if its because my writing it starting to suck or because there's not a lot of nct fans that are also formula 1 fans lol. nevertheless hugs and kisses to anyone reading <333

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Part of your job, as Jeno’s race engineer, is ensuring that Jeno remains confident in his ability and his car.  Your job becomes extra hard when Jeno allows external influences or events to linger in his mind.  Then there's an added level of difficulty, if the events that are lingering on Jeno’s mind involve you.  

It was clear that Jeno’s mind wasn’t where it was supposed to be in Azerbaijan and Canada, when Jeno finished outside of the points in both.  This weekend, you guys were in the UK, silverstone. You hoped that you could get his mind in the right state for the race.   

“Just get out there and race,” you tried to find the right words to encourage Jeno.  

“I know,” Jeno said as he hung his head, fiddling with gloves, as he sat in the car on the circuit.  

“Jen,” you called out to him once more, to get him to look at you before you had to go back into the garage. “I’m okay, I promise.” 

“My helmet, please,” Jeno said as he pointed to his helmet on the nose of the car, not acknowledging your earlier words.  You sighed, handing Jeno his helmet.  

“Be safe,” you say as you place a hand on Jeno’s helmet after he puts it on.  The visor doesn’t let you see Jeno’s eyes, but you feel him nod slightly.  You leave your place on the circuit going back to the garage to take your seat.  You put on your headset, “check? Can you hear me Jen?” 

“Loud and clear dear,” Jeno chuckled, “let’s score some points, yeah?” 

“You know what to do Jen.” 

-

‘We’re entering lap 23, and you can see Martin, the battle between the NCT teammates are starting to heat up’ 

You watched the monitor, seeing what everyone watching on TV was seeing.  “This isn’t good,” Mark said, from the other side, as he watched his own monitor. 

“We told them they were allowed to race,” Taeyong said, as he watched what you guys were watching.  Jeno and Jaemin were going into the turns side by side, coming wheel to wheel.  

‘It doesn’t sound like they are giving out any team orders in the NCT garage, Crofty’

“I don’t like this Taeyong, they’re gonna crash,” you spoke up, not liking this.  Neither Taeyong nor Mark knew what happened in Monaco, when they asked if something happened, both Jeno and Jaemin shrugged it off as the season was getting more serious now.  

‘This is very interesting Martin, usually drivers are arguing with the team to give out orders or not, but it is silence on the NCT team radio’

“Let them race, as long as they’re not bashing each other on the radio where all the teams can hear, they’re not causing problems.” 

‘I would think you have to give out orders to ensure both drivers score points for the championship, if not they could crash which would take them out of the points completely’

The race continued on with them going back and forth, it wasn’t until Ocon closed in on them that they stopped racing each other and defended their respective positions.  They crossed the finish line P8, Jeno, and P9, Jaemin.  Picking up another six points for the team.  You took the largest sigh of relief when the checkered flag finally waved.  

“P8 Jen, good job,” you spoke into the radio to Jeno.  

“Thank you,” Jeno said, in a rather monotone voice, as he finished out his cool down lap.  

‘I wonder what’s happening in the NCT garage, I guess we’ll have to ask in the post-race interviews’

You sighed, watching the broadcast of the race.  After doing his weigh in, Jeno went straight to the media bullpen to finish his requirements.  However, when Jaemin finished his weigh-in, he came to find you.  “y/n a word, please?” 

“Sure,” you said as you put down your stuff, and stepped away with Jaemin.  Your breath started to get short, as you walked further into the garage, away from most people.  This wasn’t like Jaemin.  Usually, if Jaemin had something to say, he would just say it, regardless of who was around. 

When Jaemin finally stopped, and looked towards you, you began to feel nervous about what Jaemin had to say.  “Jeno told you what happened that night in Monaco?” 

You took a breath, “He only told me what he knew, there's still a few hours missing because no one was there with me.” You answered his question honestly, but it still looked like the answer pained him.  

“I see,” Jaemin didn’t meet your eyes, which was very unlike him.  Jaemin always portrayed confidence.  He said everything on his mind, he looked people in the eyes, he stood tall.  The person in front of you didn’t portray that confidence.  “It feels like Jeno is still angry with me for that night, and he has every right to be, I put you in danger.  So I just want to apologize again, I should’ve never left you like that, especially when you told me you weren’t familiar with the area.” 

You felt bad for Jaemin, he had apologized to you every weekend since Monaco.  He hasn’t stopped apologizing, even after you told him you forgave him.  Even after you told Jeno, you forgave him.  Jaemin continued to apologize.  You know he shouldn’t have left you alone, but what was done was done.  Everything ended up okay in the end, there was nothing more to be done already.  

You were about to accept another apology when Jeno shouted your name from across the garage.  The roughness of Jeno’s voice, caused shivers to run down your spine. You turned back to see him, and watched as he stared daggers at Jaemin.  “I’m sorry Jaemin,” you whispered, as you walked towards Jeno.  

You followed Jeno back up to his room, you made sure to shut the door before speaking up, “that wasn’t necessary.” Jeno didn’t respond to you, instead gathering his clothes to rinse off before leaving for the day.  “Jeno you need to forgive Jaemin already, I have, why can’t you do the same?” 

Jeno continued to ignore you. 

“Jeno, I’m talking to you, the least you can do is look at me.”  Jeno turned around to face you, his face stuck in a scowl. You felt your shoulders drop, and your eyes softened, “I’m okay Jeno, I really am okay.” 

“And what if you weren’t?” Jeno asked, a little louder than his normal.  “What if I didn’t get there in time?  What if I didn’t pick up the phone that night?  What if you didn’t go to the restroom?  What if you weren’t okay?” Jeno asked, as you saw the tears brim his eyes, Jeno dropped to a seat.  You followed, finding a spot right next to him.  “10 minutes, it took me 10 minutes to get to you.  For 10 minutes I could only imagine the worst happening to you.  For 10 minutes I had to figure out how to explain to your parents that you were dead.  For 10 minutes I couldn’t protect you.  For 10 minutes, I was completely helpless.  And it was my fault.”  

You wiped away your own tears, “it’s not,” you whispered as you stared down at your lap.  You took a deep breath, you could blame Jaemin for leaving you alone.  You could blame yourself for not watching your drink.  You could blame the bartender for allowing it to happen, but there was only one person to blame.  “It’s the guy who drugged me, that's who's at fault, no one else.  Not Jaemin and especially not you.  You can’t blame a predator's actions on you Jeno.”  You grabbed Jeno’s hand, squeezing it, now looking at him.  

“How are you so okay with this?” Jeno asked with a slight shake of his head. 

“When you grow up knowing that no matter what you do, you will still be at risk, you get used to it, I guess.”  You felt Jeno’s eyes on you while you looked ahead.  Jeno grabbed your cheek, pressing your temple to his lips.  You cracked a small smile, enjoying the feeling of Jeno’s lips on you.  The two of you stayed in that position for a minute.  You didn’t want to move, to disrupt the delicate peace that was in place.  

-

As soon as the Silverstone Grand Prix ended, you headed up to Austria with the majority of the team.  Jeno, Jaemin, along with a few team members stayed in the UK for another day.  The rumor that was being traded amongst team members is that Jeno and Jaemin needed to stay behind for a team bonding moment.  You kept your comments to yourself, knowing that Jeno just stayed in the UK for an extra day to visit some friends out there that he didn’t get to see over the weekend.  

When you arrived in Austria, you and some of Jeno’s mechanics got together to ‘work,’ it really was just you guys at a bar drinking and shooting darts.  You stayed away from the alcohol, not really feeling comfortable drinking.  Even if you wanted to drink, you couldn’t because Jeno bothered you every five minutes.  You swear you have had partners who texted you less in your entire relationship with them, than Jeno has texted him since you’ve been out tonight.  

“Your driver and you are awfully close,” someone commented, peeking over your shoulder.  

“Oh Jeno,” you shrugged, “we’ve been friends a long time, that’s why.” 

“I see,” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t get your name,” you smiled, sticking out your hand, “I’m y/n.” 

The other person took your hand, “I know, I’m Renjun, a race engineer for NCT.  I was working with Danny, the driver before Jeno.” 

“I see,” you hesitated, worried about where the conversation was going. 

“I was excited to work with Jeno, but then Taeyong said that Jeno was bringing in his own race engineer,” Renjun said, beforing sipping the beer in his hand. 

Before Jeno was in F1, he was in Prema Racing, and so were you.  It was easy to move around and follow Jeno, because you remained a part of Prema Racing. So all you had to do was move up within the same team, like Jeno.  When Jeno left F2, and Prema Racing, he insisted you do the same.  So you did, you left Prema and applied for Alfa Romeo.  And you were content, you could’ve stayed at Alfa Romeo, you wanted to stay at Alfa Romeo.  However Jeno insisted that you needed to be with him in NCT, and he made sure of it.  He had it as a part of his contract with NCT, a job for you, to ensure you followed him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t,” you stuttered out a half-ass apology, not sure what to say at all.  At this time, Renjun cracked a smile.  

“I’m just giving you a hard time,” Renjun laughed, “It’s really fine, it’s amazing what you and Jeno have.” 

You tried to chuckle away the awkwardness, “what do you mean by that?” 

“I’ve watched you guys these past few races, Jeno holds a lot of trust in you, he doesn’t question any of the strategy choices you make for him.” 

You repeat the same thing that you always tell yourself to Renjun, “He just knows that I know what he likes.” 

“No it's more than that, I’ve worked with drivers before, Jeno has like,” Renjun pauses, you watch him look for the right word to string into his sentence, “faith that you will do whatever is best for him, even if it goes against the greater good.”  Renjun jokes.   

You smile, never thinking about it like that, “I want him to win, so…yeah, I guess I do whatever is best for him.”  

“It's amazing Jeno has someone like you in his corner for the races.” 

-

Renjun’s words carry a certain weight with you, as the night goes on.  You find yourself picking apart his meaning behind them, mulling over them again and again.  You go through all your time with Jeno, from when you first met him until now.  You wonder if you always did what was best for Jeno.  You even carry his words with you into the Thursday, during the first strategy meetings.  

“Where are you?” Jeno asked softly, during the meeting when he noticed you weren’t really paying attention.  

You shook your head, focusing back on Taeyong as he spoke.  Jeno watched you for a moment longer, before turning his attention back to Taeyong as well.   You listen attentively as Taeyong drones on, about different plans and which tire to use when.  You push Renjun’s words to the back of your mind, and decide to handle it at another time.  

Just when the meeting ends and Renjun’s words start to creep up again, the perfect distraction makes his way towards you.  “y/n,” Jaemin says almost breathlessly, “I need to ask you something.”  Jaemin looks panicked, as he stands in front of you, almost like he’s gonna vomit whatever he says next.  

“Okay,” you say with fake worry, entertaining whatever Jaemin wants to say.  He can tell you're mocking him a little, but it doesn’t stop him.  

“Let me take you to dinner,” Jaemin blurts out, that it takes you back.  You always pictured Jaemin asking someone out to dinner that it would be done with a certain cool, a specific type of charisma.  In which it had none.  

“Jaemin,” Jeno says, now making his presence known.  

You turn your attention to Jeno, whom you thought initially left with the rest of the team when the meeting ended.  “Jeno,” Jaemin says with a slight nod of his head.  

“You boys are talking to each other again?” you asked, as you look at the both of them.  The last time either of them spoke to each other, not in front of a camera, was at the club. 

“Playing nice,” Jeno sighs.  You crack a smile.  

“Okay Jaemin, you can take me out to dinner,” you smile, as Jaemin releases a sigh of relief.  

You walk away, heading into the garage to prepare your station for this weekend's activities.  Just as your out of the meeting room, Jeno catches Jaemin’s arm, “don’t do anything stupid, yeah?” The extra day Jeno spent in the UK was intended to catch up with a few friends like he told you.  However Taeyong had pulled Jeno into a lunch with Jaemin and him, forcing Jeno and Jaemin to work out whatever was going on between them.  At that lunch, both Jeno and Jaemin concluded that what happened to you in Monaco was to never happen again.  

“I’m taking her to dinner to make up for what happened in Monaco, Jeno,” Jaemin says, as he pulls Jeno’s hand off his arm.  Jaemin enjoys messing around with people, and he’s just beginning to realize how much he can mess around with Jeno if he uses you.  “I can’t help it if she likes me more than you,” Jaemin smirks.  

-

Jaemin meets you in the hotel lobby at 6, to take you to dinner.  He’s dressed in a simple pair of black slacks with a white button up, and a suit jacket.  It’s so simple, yet it looks like Jaemin, and he wears it well.  He’s much more attentive this time around.  He opens all the doors for you, he pulls out your chair at this upscale restaurant that he chose.  He listens to everything you have to say, he asks questions to keep you going.  He doesn’t flaunt his money to the waiter, or his title.  You guys split the dessert, almost in a romantic fashion.  

Just as you're leaving the restaurant, you feel a chill come on.  You shiver, as Jaemin opens the door out for you.  As soon as you step outside, Jaemin slips off his jacket, placing the item on your shoulders.  

“Thank you,” you say, as Jaemin smiles.  

“There’s an evening exhibit just a block away,” Jaemin offers.  

“I’m not much of an art person,” you say as you looks at Jaemin

“Neither am I,” Jaemin stares at you, “I just don’t want tonight to end.”  

“Okay,” you say, as you and Jaemin walk down to the exhibit.  Jaemin places a hand on the small of your back, he makes sure you’re on the inside of the sidewalk as the two of you walk the block. The two of you spend hours looking at the different art displayed.  Neither of you knows what any of it means, or what the artist was trying to portray or what symbolism is being shown, but you stay nonetheless.  Jaemin follows your lead, allowing you to pull him into any direction.  He doesn’t mind, he enjoys watching you pick apart the artwork to relate to something.  

“It’s really beautiful,” you say as you stare at the portrait, the plaque says that it was a portrait of the artist’s muse, their significant other.  

“It is,” Jaemin agrees, as his eyes stay locked on you.  Jaemin doesn’t know what the painting looks like, or what the plaque says, but the art before his eyes is truly beautiful to him.  

Neither you or Jaemin really want the night to end, so much so that the exhibit workers ask you and Jaemin to leave so they can go home for the night.  You bash, not realizing you spent that much time there.  Jaemin, thinks that if he slips the workers a few hundred, they will let you guys stay a bit longer, but before Jaemin can act on the idea, you’re walking out.  

“We need to let them go home,” you smile, offering your hand for Jaemin to take.  

“Because you said so,” Jaemin says, as he takes your hand.  You spend at least another hour or two walking around just talking with Jaemin.  Talking with Jaemin feels like floating in a calm sea, it’s light, easy, and can go on forever. 

You try to delay the end of the night for as long as possible, Jaemin does the same.  He walks you all the way up to your hotel room door.  It’s easily one in the morning by the time you make it back to the hotel.  

“Why don’t you come in?” you ask Jaemin as you push open the door.  

“That would be improper,” Jaemin smirks, “maybe after the second date.” 

“This was a date?” you joke.  

Jaemin chuckles at your joke, “I had a really nice night y/n,” Jaemin says seriously now.  

“Me too, thank you.”  

Jaemin comes in close, pressing his lips to your cheek, you feel a little disappointed that all you got was a kiss on the cheek.  You guess your face exposes you, because Jaemin says, “don’t look so disappointed sweetheart,” with a certain smirk.  

You blush, as you realize you got caught.  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” you say, trying to find words to fill in the gap, “goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Jaemin says as he takes a step watching you close the door on him.  After he hears the final click of the door shutting, Jaemin begins to walk away to go to his hotel room.  Jaemin lets out a sigh, if it was anyone else, he would have taken up the offer to come inside.  But you were different.  Jaemin doesn’t like second dates, or kisses on the cheek, or hand holding, or long walks in the park, or art exhibits.  But Jaemin likes being around you.  

He feels himself get giddy, thinking about the moment you offered your hand.  He smiles, when he thinks about you staring at the portrait at the exhibit.  He blushes when he recalls how you clung on his arm during the walk in the park.  He laughs to himself, when he remembers you had a little something on the corner of your mouth when you guys shared dessert.  He lays in his bed, with images of you playing in his mind.  He dreams of you in his sleep, with a smile plastered on his face.  

-

“How was dinner?” Jeno asks as he goes through the car specs to prepare for practice.  

The mention of last night's dinner has the blood rushing to your cheeks, “it was nice,” you smiled, staring at your tablet.  

“He didn’t leave you right?” Jeno asks with a certain bite in his tone.  

“Jeno, we agreed to let it go already,” you scolded.  

“I was just checking,” Jeno scoffs, as he goes back to looking over his car, “better not start cheering for him.” 

“Never, you’re still my favorite driver,” you say with a little nudge, that causes Jeno to smile.  

-

While Jeno is putting in his practice laps, Jaemin makes his way over to you.  “Hey sweetheart,” Jaemin says, gaining your attention.  You blush at the nickname he seems to love to call you.  “I had fun last night,” Jaemin says.  

“I did too,” you smile.  

“Let me take you out again, Sunday after the race,” Jaemin asks. It comes to a bit of a surprise to himself that he did ask you out again, Jaemin isn’t really sure about what he wants from you, or what he can give you.  All he knows is that he enjoys being with you.  

“Okay,” you answer, not able to contain your smile.  Jaemin leaves you to prepare to put in his own practice laps.  Just before he’s out of your sight, he sends a wink your way, that causes even more blood to rush to your cheeks.  

“y/n,” Jeno’s voice cuts clear across the radio, there’s a panic in his voice, something you don’t pick up right away, “something feels off,” 

“What are you talking…” Just before you could finish your question, you watch as Jeno’s car spins out of control and into a barrier. 

---------------------------

Taglist:@90sgatsby-jjh@neothingss@lanadreamie@cuteejeno@fariylixie0915

[solatgif]

TGIF: Roundup for December 23, 2022

Merry Christmas! This week our Editorial Board picked The Best Christian Books by Asian American Authors, Faith Chang shared her Favorite Children’s Books from Westminster Kids, I explained Why It’s Better to Be a New Creation in Christ, and Karisa You wrote on Meeting Jesus in the Parking Lot.

We recently hit 400 subscribers on our YouTube channel! Our Most Popular Videos is a good place to start. Check out our Author Interviews and The Asian American Church playlists. And in case you missed it, you can still join us on Substack. We’re sending daily devotions up until the new year!

This newsletter is one of the many ways you can keep in touch with us. Find us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. For more, check out my Asian American Worship Leaders Facebook group and TGIF Playlist on Spotify. You can reach me on Twitter and Instagram.

Enter to win this wonderful book! Read my review. Thanks to Baker Academic for providing this book for our giveaway, in partnership with my newsletters for @diveindigdeep and FCBC Walnut.

Articles From Around The Web

Isabel Ong: Is Christmas a ‘Western’ Holiday in Asia?

Theologians and church leaders around the region share how December 25 is perceived in their contexts.

Eric Beach: Lessons for Missions from the Ministries of John G. Paton and Wang Ming-dao (王明道)

“Christians don’t always recognize the importance of the local church and church polity to missions. Yet some of the great missionaries and evangelists of the past knew that building healthy churches was central to their work.”

Abe Cho: Gleanings from Ruth: An Advent Reflection

“The view from above, paradoxically, is not the viewpoint of God. A truly biblical worldview is one in which we see the world the way God sees it by looking over the shoulder of the poor, the despised, and the oppressed. It is the view from below.���

In case you missed it, you can still join us on Substack. We’re sending daily devotions up until the new year!

Books, Podcasts, Music, And More

Jen Oshman: Faithful Disobedience: The State of Christianity in China with Hannah Nation

“The church in China has so much to teach us in the west. My conversation with Hannah is encouraging and challenging. My hope is that listeners to All Things will be spurred on by our brothers and sisters in the faith in China, pray for China, learn from believers there, and grab a copy of this book to continue learning more.”

The MacArthur Center Podcast: MacArthur and His Successor

Who will succeed John MacArthur? This episode looks at his succession plan. It also, with the help of John Piper, Sinclair Ferguson, Tony Reinke, David Gibson, and Geoffrey Chang, explores how any of us who love the church can think wisely about passing truth to the next generation.  

Aaron Lee: Related Works

Book Reviews: 27 Servants of Sovereign Joy by John Piper, and Unwrapping the Names of Jesus and Unwrapping the Names of Jesus for Kids by Asheritah Ciuciu. Listen to our TGIF playlist on Spotify. Join my Asian American Worship Leaders Facebook group.

Subscribe to our podcast for our interviews, messages, and article reads! Available for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.

Featured This Week On SOLA Network

Karisa You: Meeting Jesus in the Parking Lot this Christmas Season

“While the Bible clearly emphasizes that we are saved by grace alone through faith in Jesus and forgiven of our sins by God’s kindness, passages like Matthew 25 remind us of Jesus’s command that those who love Him must love His people too and help meet their tangible needs.”

Aaron Lee: Shaping Your Identity with Spotify? Why It’s Better to Be a New Creation in Christ

“The world thinks we’re a blank slate able to shape our own story and craft our own identities. The Bible presents to us a different picture. We’re born as enemies of God. But when we become reconciled to Jesus, our identity then becomes in Christ, and our safety is in the cross.”

Faith Chang: Our Family’s Favorite Children’s Books from Westminster Kids

Powered by the Westminster Bookstore, Westminster Kids is a ministry of Westminster Theological Seminary that is dedicated to curating biblically faithful children’s books. Faith Chang shares books she’s often recommended, given away, and loved.

SOLA Editorial Board: The Best Christian Books by Asian American Authors in 2022

We are encouraged that Asian American voices are being added to Christian bookshelves and libraries all over the world. We hope you will be encouraged by our Asian American brothers and sisters as they share their stories for the entire body of Christ.

TGIF: Roundup for December 16, 2022

How to Redeem Your Singles Ministry / Our Main Goals for Youth Ministry / Chan’s Wisdom Tips for Evangelism / Christianity Today’s 2022 Book Awards / Spurgeon the Pastor

General disclaimer: Our link roundups are not endorsements of the positions or lives of the authors.

[spacedikut]

starstruck ; spencer reid

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) x f!reader

summary:  “Can I request some age gap Spencer x reader. Maybe he’s nervous about approaching her for a relationship bc she’s younger, but he’s so goofy for her it’s he’s in love obvious. Pretty pls 🥺💕” 5222 words

a/n: i didn’t specify ages cause i wasn’t sure what people would be comfortable with so i just mentioned an age gap and leave the rest up to you!! i would happily date someone twice my age but i also have daddy issues so :)

masterlist

The day has finally arrived.

Mollie can call you a nerd all she wants, but you know the second she lays eyes on Derek Morgan or Emily Prentiss she’ll change her tune.

This event has been in the university’s calendar since the beginning of the semester. At least two members of the FBI Behavioural Analysis Unit were promised to give a talk about their department, even taking you through a solved case like an interactive documentary, to encourage students to consider joining the academy post-graduation. There was whispers they’d even stick around after to answer some questions.

Your other friend, Jen, the one that understands your excitement, wrote your names down for tickets immediately. You’ve had a countdown on your phone ever since.

“They’ve announced a last-minute guest,” She beams, just as giddy as you. You’re wasting time at the coffee house near the auditorium, waiting for Mollie to arrive.

“Oh, really? Who?”

“Doctor Spencer Reid.”

You almost drop your cookie in shock and stare at her, pupils blown.

“You’re a big fan?” She smirks.

As nonchalantly as you can, you lean back in your chair, “I’m a fan of his work, yes.”

“Oh, his work?”

“Don’t start.”

“I bet you love his work.”

“He’s well-versed and his papers are super interesting-“

“His papers are super interesting-“

“You are a child.”

Just then, Mollie appears, checking her watch. You wish you could kiss her in thanks for saving you from the teasing that would likely never end. “We’re gonna be late for your morbid seminar if you two don’t stop bickering.”

Jen downs the rest of her drink, you shove the last of the cookie in your mouth. Mollie watches your excitement in amusement – your heart starts pumping, whole body buzzing, the same nervousness you felt when you were a preteen right before your first ever One Direction concert. It’s the kind of nervousness that makes your palms sweaty.

Is it evolution or devolution to go from sweating over One Direction to sweating over FBI profilers?

+++

The seminar goes on for an hour, including the questions people ask throughout. It’s everything you could’ve asked for, entertaining and so, so informative and although you weren’t considering joining the FBI before, suddenly it’s all you can think about. Guest speakers have that affect, don’t they? They make you wonder if you should drastically change everything you’ve been planning.

Even Mollie, who you had to threaten to tag along, ended up enjoying herself. “Maybe I learnt a thing or two,” She’d said, rolling her eyes playfully.

You and your friends are some of the last to leave. There’s quite the bustling outside, which you assume is just post-seminar chatter, but you and Jen falter in your steps when you see the exact profilers that had been onstage several minutes ago in front of you, happily interacting and talking to fellow students.

“Oh, man,” Jen whispers, her and Mollie making eye contact across you. “I have to see if I can talk to Emily.”

Mollie encourages her with a frantic, “Go! Go!” while you’re rooted in place. Mollie jabs you with a pointed nail, “You in there, Y/N? I’m sure you have loads of questions for them-“

You stutter and shake your head, “N-no. I’m good. You can try and hit on Derek, if you want.”

You give a half-attempt at a smile, barely lifting the corners of your lips. Mollie recognises that look. She wants to stay with you, check you’re not too overwhelmed, but you shoo her away and send her towards Derek. You breathe a sigh of relief – you’ve been friends with her long enough that she knows when you need space.

There’s something about seeing people you admire so abruptly that totally throws you for a loop. All you had prepared for was seeing them from afar and subsequently talking about it forever, but nothing beyond that. In some circumstances, it’d be a pleasant surprise, but for someone that struggles around strangers and especially around people as admirable as profilers, you are not mentally prepared for this and have therefore shut down.

But then you see him.

He’s shuffling in place in the corner of the room, close to a large potted plant like it’s his only friend. He’s nibbling his lip as his eyes flutter around, never staying somewhere for longer than a second, looking increasingly uncomfortable.

Why is no one talking to him? He’s Spencer Reid.

There’s a couple of people surrounding Emily, fully entranced by whatever story she’s relaying, another few people around Derek, chortling at a joke he just made. Spencer glances between them and their audiences, and you can’t help but wonder why he isn’t right next to them, chatting away, too.

Does he not want to talk to anyone?

You should talk to him.

No. He probably wants to be alone.

Or what if he doesn’t and no one else is talking to him which means you can have a one-on-one conversation? What about that?

Are you insane?

…

You have to talk to him.

Before you can change your mind, you’re approaching him with a tight grip on the handle of your bag, pushing it higher up your shoulder. He spots you and makes eye contact just as you stop in front of him, and you notice he momentarily tightens his grip on his satchel.

Was this a bad idea?

“Hi,” You breathe, “I’m Y/N. A big fan.”

His eyes widen a fraction, which you don’t understand because why else would you be here, but he smiles nonetheless, “Hi, I’m, uh, Spencer Reid.”

“I know.”

“Yes, you know. That makes sense, because you were in the seminar. I saw you.”

Now you’re shocked. For as long as you can remember you never sit in the centre of a room, where most attention seems to go, so how did he-

“I-I always scan the room I’m in its.. it’s not a creepy thing, I swear. I’m not creepy.”

A laugh escapes you at that, making him visibly relax. “I don’t think you’re creepy. There was just.. a lot of people in there, so I’m surprised you remember my face.” You shrug.

I couldn’t forget such a beautiful face.

You don’t know what happens, but Spencer suddenly tenses up. His back straightens and he looks alarm, stiff.

Did he just think that? What.. why did he think that?

You wonder if you’ve said something wrong, so you try to change the topic.

“I-I have a question, if you don’t mind answering.”

Spencer nods with an of course, and when the question rolls off your tongue, his mind is still reeling from subconsciously calling you beautiful in his head. It’s not untrue, but it feels.. inappropriate. He doesn’t know why. But you are beautiful.

As he scans your face, now much closer than in the auditorium, he realises yeah, you are incredibly beautiful.

You wave a hand in front of his face, “Doctor Reid?”

“Sorry, yes, sorry. What are you studying?”

There’s a light in your eyes that Spencer recognises when you say, “Psychology.”

“Thought so.”

“You probably talk to a lot of psychology students. I-um. I almost went to Caltech,” Spencer raises an eyebrow, "After I read your dissertation, it really inspired me to look into it – your dissertation is incredible, by the way.”

Spencer smiles bashfully, a futile attempt to not allow the grin to overtake his face, and thanks you, “I appreciate it. Actually, I was sixteen when I wrote it.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Your eyes widen, “You’re insane! You’re amazing!”

The praise bursts from you, and his blushing face makes you oddly proud. On the other hand, Spencer feels like you’ve set him alight, his blood pumping loudly in his ears, as he’s unable to tear his eyes away from your smile.

He desperately needs to change the topic.

“To answer your question…”

Derek notices you two interacting across the room. Mollie sees him looking and hums, “Oh, that’s Y/N, my best friend. She really likes Spencer.”

Derek raises an eyebrow, “Looks like he really likes her.”

“Don’t tell her that. She’ll collapse.”

They both watch you for a second, Spencer flailing his arms as he explains, you eagerly adding to his rambling, asking a question here and exclaiming some kind of encouragement there. It’s sweet, Derek thinks.

“Hey..” Mollie begins, a scheming look in her eye, “We’re planning to hang out in the campus bar later. It’s open to all and the drinks are cheap. If you and Emily happen to find yourselves looking for something to do and you drag Spencer along.. I’m sure Y/N would like it.”

“I like the way you think,” Derek says, “I’ll see what I can do.”

+++

“She’s getting hit on. Again.” You giggle, gesturing for Jen to turn around and witness Mollie get your drinks paid for by a random guy.

She’s always been a people person – it’s saved you hundreds on nights out.

All Jen does is glance over her shoulder, scoff, then turn her sceptical eyes to you.

“I saw you and Spencer Reid.” She says, twinkling eyes. She’s trying not to look smug.

“I almost proposed to him.” You joke, taking your drink from Mollie with a mumbled thanks.

“Oh, I bet you did,” She laughs, “You two looked sooo good together.”

“Alright,” You slide a shot to each girl, “I know you’re making fun of me, but I’m taking that compliment and cherishing it. Spencer Reid is cute, what of it?!”

You clink the shot glasses with your friends and down them, all wincing at the taste and giggling at Jen when she takes a gulp of her cocktail to wash away the taste of straight vodka.

“How did talking to Derek and Emily go?”

And then Jen starts chattering away.

You miss the bar door opening behind you, But Mollie notices. She’s been watching the door since they got here, conveniently choosing the table with the best view, just in case some profilers decided to stop by.

Derek catches Mollie’s eye and winks.

“Well I never,” Mollie fakes shock, “Look who just walked through the doors.”

You turn and choke on your drink. Emily and Derek look relax, like they’re home, but Spencer?

He looks just like he did earlier: like there’s a million places he’d rather be.

He’s lost the blazer he was wearing earlier, leaving him in a fitted purple shirt with a matching tie. With the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, you can see his firm hands and the silver watch that rests on his wrist – is it possible for a watch to be sexy? Or maybe it’s just cause he’s sexy?

That shot must be getting to you.

“What the hell are they doing here?” You hiss, a sharp whisper piercing the air as you turn and (terribly) try to hide your face.

But Spencer’s seen you. He spotted you the moment they came in – he recognised your clothes and your hair – and the second he did he turned right back around to exit the bar. Derek’s arm stopped him at his chest, like he does to unsubs, forcefully turning him around and laughing when Spencer tensed up.

“What, Reid? Scared of a pretty girl?” Derek teases, much like he’d been doing since he spoke to you earlier.

“I am scared of college girls, yes. Last time I was in a college bar I was twelve and downed shots of apple juice.”

“What?!” Both Emily and Derek stop short, looks of disbelief at the revelation. “You’ve never mentioned that.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“We,” Derek places his hands on Spencer’s shoulders, directing him to your table, “Are just gonna have a few drinks and talk to a few people, and then you’re gonna explain that apple juice story in explicit detail- hey ladies!”

Jen and Mollie look overjoyed at the new company, while you stare rigidly with distinctive what the fuck eyes.

“Would you mind if we joined you?” Emily asks, with a sparkling grin that no one could say no to.

“Of course not,” Jen grins, like it’s the most obvious answer.

The empty seat next to you is taken by Spencer (Derek discreetly shoves him) but right before he’s firmly placed on the stool, Emily calls out, “Spence, why don’t you get us some drinks? You still owe us after you lost that game of gin..”

“I didn’t lose.” Spencer huffs indignantly, “You cheated.”

Despite his grunts, he stands to make his way to the bar, but not before-

“Y/N!” Mollie beams, “It’s your turn to get the round, if you’d be so kind.”

You know that look on her face. You hate her, you realise, but you also love her because being alone with Spencer sends a thrill through you.

Alone with Spencer. What the hell are you supposed to say to him?

You follow him to the bar. He leans against it with an awkward smile.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Hey.”

“It’s uh.. it’s been a long time since we’ve seen eachother.” It’s a half attempt at a joke, followed by instant regret. But then you giggle and everything feels right in the world, even Spencer’s sucky joke.

“It has been a while, Doctor Reid.” You say. The bartender approaches, takes your orders, then you turn to Spencer, “What brings you to a college bar, of all places?”

“Well,” Spencer glances over your shoulder to your table. He makes eye contact with every single person there, all watching you two interact, and they all sharply turn and try to play it off like they’ve been talking casually. Spencer’s brows furrow a little. “Derek said the drinks are cheap and our hotel is only a couple blocks away. I don’t know, maybe Derek likes college girls.”

You laugh again, and Spencer has to take a second to realise you’re not laughing at him but at what he said about Derek. “Yeah, Derek seems like a real ladies man.”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it.” Spencer grins, “We once timed him to see how long it would take to get a girls number and he did it in five minutes. And he said he was having a bad day.”

The drinks are placed in front of you. Neither of you notice.

You unconsciously lean closer, saying, “Have you timed it to see how long it takes for a girl to approach him? That’s gotta be, like, maybe ten minutes?”

“Eight minutes and twenty-three seconds.”

“Well damn. Has he always been so…” A hand gestures in the air, looking for the word.

“Promiscuous?”

“I was gonna say free.”

“Free?” Spencer giggles, “That’s very nice of you.”

You shrug, “I don’t judge.” Spencer agrees, and it slips out, “What about you?”

You wish you could shove the words back in your mouth. Even more so when his expression changes. You can’t entirely make out what it is, but even in the dimly lit bar you can see the flush of heat that spreads through his cheeks to his ears.

“Are you asking me if I’m free with the ladies?” He murmurs, suppressing a grin.

You give an awkward laugh, wondering if you’ve overstepped a boundary, “Yeah. But that’s kinda weird to ask, so-“

“I’m so popular with the ladies it puts Derek to shame.”

You can’t hide your surprise. “What? Really?”

Spencer caves. “No. Is it that hard to believe I’m a ladies man?”

“Compared to Derek? Yes.”

Spencer scoffs.

+++

“As adorable as they are, it’s been thirty minutes.” Emily sighs. “I want my drink.”

“They’re bonding,” Jen sends a wistful look, “I’m so proud.”

“I’m guessing Y/N isn’t the most social either?” Derek asks, proudly watching you interact.

“She’s the best, just a little shy sometimes.” She smiles at you, even though you can’t see, “She’s an idiot, but our idiot, you know?”

Both Emily and Derek laugh airily, nodding with a, “Yeah, we know.”

At once, three phones vibrate throughout the bar – Emily, Derek and Spencer. They’re instantly filled with disappointment; Derek can’t watch Spencer attempt to flirt with a girl he’s obviously interested in, Emily still hasn’t got a drink, and Spencer has to leave you and he can’t think of anything worse.

He’s clearly hesitant when he looks at his phone. How does he say goodbye? Does he ask for your number? Would that be weird? That would be weird.

“Uhh…”

You channel every ounce of liquid courage you have in your body and offer, “Would it be weird if I gave you my number? Just.. for anything. Anything at all.”

Spencer nods, a gentle look in his eyes and a smile on his face, “Yeah, I’d like that.”

You mumble an alright, accepting Spencer’s phone and creating a new contact for yourself.

Please text me. You think. Please text me.

+++

He doesn’t text.

It’s been a week. A week. You know how cases are, some take longer than others and some are solved in literal hours, but it’s been a week, Spencer goddamn Reid, so why haven’t you texted me.

That’s when the doubt creeps in. Your friends keep telling you he’ll text, that he’s just busy (“He’s an FBI agent, Y/N. If you start dating you’re gonna have to get used to lapses in contact.” To which you’re too distracted choking at the mention of you two dating), but you can’t help but wonder if he took your number simply so he could leave quicker. He had a case to get to, after all. He had people to save.

Now you feel guilty. You forced your number on him, didn’t you? Oh God, he hates you. He hates you and you forced your number on him and he hasn’t texted you because he’s filing a restraining order against you because he hates you.

Mollie tells you you need a nap.

+++

Spencer spends the time on the jet back from the case staring at your number. He has it memorised, of course, and has had it memorised from the first time he read it, of course, but he can’t bring himself to do anything with it.

All he’s done is change your contact picture from the standard first letter of your name to a cute picture of a frog Garcia sent him. It reminds him of you.

Derek lowers his headphones, “You texted her yet, Pretty Boy?”

“Huh? Uh, no. I don’t think I will.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Spencer shrugs, locking his phone and placing it face down. “I don’t think anything would come from it.”

“Kid,” Derek leans forward, eyebrows furrowed, “You two talked for well over thirty minutes in the middle of a college bar about God knows what. Maybe I’m easy to impress, but that seemed pretty special to me.”

“How is talking in a college bar worth anything?”

“Because you’re Reid, who, most of the time, has to be physically dragged into a bar. You hate talking to strangers about anything other than work. Y/N? A stranger. What did you two talk about?”

“We talked about you a little.”

“Uhuh. About how good I am at my job?”

“God, no,” Spencer scrunches his nose, “We talked about your charm with the ladies.”

Derek falls back in his chair and scoffs, “I’m flattered, but that doesn’t sound like work-talk to me. So you’re comfortable with her. I saw you laughing, so she makes you laugh, too. Sounds pretty great to me.”

Spencer stares. Derek’s right, but..

“So what is it, Reid?”

Spencer licks his lips. “Do you think she’s too young for me?”

Derek rarely looks taken aback, but he does now, “Too young?”

“She’s in college. I’m-I’m-“

“A legal adult. As is she.”

Spencer slumps. “A 2014 Current Population Survey found the average difference for a heterosexual couple is two-point-three years, with the man older than the woman. Even if you double that, that’s still less than me and Y/N-“

“Four years isn’t a lot, Spence,”

“You just.. you don’t think it’s weird?”

“No. Do you?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.”

Derek’s conviction gives Spencer some reassurance, but he can’t help himself when he thinks that.. maybe.. you’ll find him boring. Most people seem to, with all his statistics and figures and facts, but with the added element of you living it up at college.. how could he compete?

“I think you’re worrying over nothing, Reid. You haven’t even texted her, and you’re already worrying about stuff like age gaps?” Derek crosses his hands and looks at Spencer with determination, “She gave you her number. She initiated it. She knows who you are, so she knows how old you are and it doesn’t seem to make her uncomfortable. So, why should it make you?”

Spencer just grunts.

“Are you worried people will say things?”

“I guess.”

“People always say things. You know that better than anyone. So screw ‘em.”

Spencer feels a smile creep onto his face.

And Derek relaxes. He’s planted the seeds, that Spencer is fretting over nothing, now all he’s got to do is wait for Spencer to let it sink in and allow the flowers to bloom and, next thing you know, Spencer’s gonna have himself the perfect girlfriend.

And Derek will take too much credit for it.

+++

“Heeeeeeeeey my precious Doctor…”

Garcia looks like her hand was caught in the cookie jar.

Spencer’s back straightens. “What did you do?”

She looks embarrassed, fiddling with the fluffy pen in her hand. She smiles awkwardly. “Derek may have told me about a pretty little college student that captured your heart, and then he told me you also haven’t texted her yet, so I did a little digging and…”

“You cyber-stalked Y/N?” Emily asks, casually. JJ seems unphased at the discussion. Does everyone in the office know about you?

“I did. I’m guilty. I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.” She’s speaking a mile a minute.

Emily spares Spencer a glance, “Did you find anything?”

“Well…”

Concern fills Spencer. “Did something happen?”

“I just found some stuff she’d probably only tell a close friend and I feel really bad about it.” Her shoulders are by her ears as she tries to fold in on herself out of guilt, “But other than that she’s a genuinely sweet girl who volunteers at pet shelters and the college library in her free time and we have really similar music tastes so I think we’d make great friends.”

They all look to Spencer, waiting for his reaction. What? Is he supposed to be surprised that you’re the epitome of perfect? He’s not. He studied you the entire time you spoke.

“She’s also written several incredible papers on child development that I think are revolutionary and I totally emailed them to you because I think you should read them. She’s also a genius.”

Spencer’s hand twitches. He ignores the sudden need to check his email.

It’s silent as they just stare at him. He doesn’t say anything and tries not to react, but he does. They notice how his eyes flicker to his phone, how his leg fidgets, the longing in his eyes.

Emily brushes her hair back calmly and asks, “Hey, Pen, when does Y/N work at the college library?”

Penelope doesn’t catch on at first, casually replying, “Oh, basically every day from five pm onwards. They’re a twenty-four hour library and she combines working and studying.” When she sees Emily pointedly look at Spencer, she goes ohhh.

“Good to know,” Emily nods, “Good to know.”

+++

Spencer finds himself at the college library that night.

He wants to say it was an accident, or that he just happens to know there’s a special edition of a specific book here, but he’d be lying. He read your papers between reports, and found himself having a deep appreciation for the way you write – he wants to ready everything you’ve ever written. Every essay, every note, every formal and informal piece of work you’ve ever done.

He’s already fallen in love with the way you write. He doesn’t think he’s far from falling in love with you.

He wanders around the lower floor of the library. It’s impressive, he must admit, and he’s disappointed in himself for not visiting earlier. There’s students everywhere, but he notices some other people mixed in too – professors, businesspeople, as well as parents with their children.

He feels a little less weird for creeping around now.

Not that’s he’s creeping. He’s just.. there. To see a certain someone under the guise of looking for a book.

He moseys for a while, from the fiction section to the non-fiction to comics to autobiographies. You’re nowhere to be found – not between the rows of books, not working on any of the desks, not at the centre reception desk.

Until you’re suddenly behind him.

“Spencer?”

He jumps, looking up from the book he’s reading. Your voice is as calming and smooth as always.

“Y/N. Hi.”

“Hi,” Your brows are furrowed, but you’re not disappointed by the unexpected visitor. “What are you doing here?”

He lifts the book he’s holding, an Arthur Conan Doyle, giving a light lipped smile. “I’m just looking. I didn’t realise the college library was so plentiful – did you know the oldest library in the world dates from the seventh century BC?”

“I do, actually.” You point to a poster behind him, which displays that exact fact, “I thought dotting facts around the library would be interesting for the kids. They seem to like them.”

“Learning in young children is socially mediated, so good quality learning environments outside of their schools is crucial for children’s development. So, in a way, you’re enriching their lives beyond understanding.”

You’re flattered at his somewhat far-fetched attempt at complimenting you. It makes your heart flutter.

Why didn’t you contact me, you dimwit?

You open your mouth to ask another question, ask if there’s something he needs help finding, when he beats you to it.

With a firm grip, he slams the book he’s reading shut and says, “I’m lying.”

“Oh?”

“I didn’t come here to.. look around. I came here to see you.”

“Oh.”

Spencer doesn’t know what to make of that. You haven’t awkwardly looked away, or stepped back to increase the distance between you. That means something good, right?

“You didn’t text me, so I assumed you weren’t interested.” Your brows twitch, and you back-pedal, “Unless you purposely didn’t text me because you actually weren’t interested and you might be here to see me but for something book-related rather than me-related and I’ve totally humiliated myself.”

“No, no. You’re right. You’re right.” He fiddles with the book in shame, “I should’ve texted you. I just didn’t know what to say and.. Well, it’s stupid.”

Your head jerks a little to the side, something he’s noticed you do a lot, looking patient and too pretty for him to handle. “I’m sure it’s not stupid.”

Spencer thinks back to his conversation with Derek, specifically the reminder that you gave him your number which means you initiated this so yes, you are interested in him.

It’s just.. when he looks at you, he struggles to believe it a little. You’re breath-taking.  

“I’m worried I’ll bore you.” He starts light, easing you into what’s been troubling him. He’s emboldened by the fact you’re clearly frustrated he didn’t text you.

You give him a look of horror, “The first time we met I told you I loved your dissertation on geographic regression. I definitely do not think you’re anything anywhere near boring.”

“Okay,” He nods, “What about our ages?”

You’re confused. “What about it?”

Spencer mirrors your expression. “It doesn’t.. bother you?”

“Does it.. bother you?”

Usually, answering a question with a question is a sign of deflection, a sign of hiding something. However he doesn’t know why, but Spencer trusts you with his life. Maybe not his life. Maybe his heart.

“Does that silence mean yes?”

He shakes his head, “No. It doesn’t bother me. I just worry that, you know, college years are the so-called best years of your life and I don’t want you to regret being with me, someone older than you, and resent me for it, or something-“

“I think you’re getting way in your head, Spence.” You laugh a little, “We haven’t gone on a single date and you’ve convinced yourself of so much already. For the record, no, your age doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It never has and I doubt it ever will. I think you’re the most fascinating and interesting person on this planet, and if anyone is getting bored with anyone I’m pretty confident it’ll be you getting sick of me. And,” You take a breath, “I think I’m old enough to know what I want, who I want, and what I want is you. If you want me, too.”

Spencer shoves the book back into the bookshelf with a satisfying sound, then turns and quickly places a kiss onto your cheek. It’s completely unexpected and, quite frankly, not something you’d expect from Doctor Reid, but you blush and there’s a definite red colour to Spencer’s cheeks, too.

“I will never, ever, get sick of you.” He says, voice small but firm. “But I don’t want you to regret being with me. Promise me you won’t.”

You give him a look that tells him you think he’s ridiculous. “I promise that I won’t regret being with you. I’d like us to last as long as possible, if I can be picky.”

“I’d like that, too.” He murmurs. The thought of you wanting him for as long as possible almost sends him into a frenzy. He wants to kiss you all over.

You stand close and talk quietly for a while, a little more discussion on a possible date that weekend and a constant stream of compliments from you to Spencer and vice versa, before you realise the time.

“I should probably go. I have a paper to finish.” You smile sadly, a tiny pout forming.

“I understand. Do you think I could read it? When you’re done?”

Your eyebrows shoot up, “Do you know how terrifying the idea of the Spencer Reid reading my work is? But yes, anything for you.”

Anything for you. Are you trying to kill him?

You turn to leave, refusing to admit how sad leaving Spencer makes you feel, when you stop, “One more thing.”

Spencer hums. He’s not fully paying attention, praying to whatever Gods exist that killers take a break on the weekend so he can take you out on the sweetest date.

“If age is a sore area for you,” There’s mirth in your eyes and Spencer prepares himself, “Does that mean the nickname old man is off the table?”

His lips purse and move towards his nose as he narrows his eyes, giving you a look of faux annoyance, “I am not an old man.”

“Sounds like you’re sensitive, old man.”

As you walk away, you jokingly blow him a kiss to add insult to injury. His pretend glare lasts until your back is turned and he feels his gaze softening to something akin to love.

Spencer thins if the rest of his life is this, you teasing him with that twinkle in your eye and smile on your face, then life is truly the most beautiful thing.

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen! i just want to say thank you for showing us your happy lesbian life and being accepting of all the stripes of the LGBT community. lately i've been struggling questioning whether i'm a trans man or a butch woman after starting to present more masculine and dealing with some discomfort about my body. seeing you be proudly yourself makes me realize that there's no wrong answer, and no matter what my gender ends up being, there's no wrong way to dress or act as long as i'm being myself. sending my love to you <3

The stories we are each best at telling are our own, at least that rings true for me and for those from who I have learned the most.

I didn't start off this blog to have any affect on anyone. Writing and story telling are two things I love to do and wanted to combine them but once I realized that butch lesbians my age were just not "out there" to be accessible to younger lesbians of all type i knew I had found a larger reason to upkeep this blog. 

We were everywhere but often not in the places we can be seen by more than than those living in our area. Butches like me, run of the mill, living my life, navigating the budgets and chaos and loving my life types are not in the media or on social media except within friend groups for the most part.

I can tell you.. my body and I.. we were NOT always friends. I wasn't always like .. cool.. this is the way my body is and its okay. First, puberty sucked as the new kid in my school (4th grade) and as a tomboy and as a female (I am STILL salty about being told to put on a shirt at 7 yo in the middle of a hot summer day. ) Even though I had no concept of what gender or sex or sexuality meant it was a fast hard peek into what our culture expected of me as a woman. AND I didn't like what I saw so I just defaulted to toeing the line on hair and clothing and behaviors that would get me to "pass" and being a girl correctly. UGH.. I was fooling very few people LOL

I lost a lot of time when, in a neutral world, I would have had the time to practice the art of dating women when my peers were dating. I should have been really outgoing and not afraid to write what I felt and thought, which my English teacher was encouraging me to do. Maybe I would have taken to the stage, practiced my story telling or been more in the public light at a younger age when I could have made a career out of it.

BUT maybe.. this is the silver lining, my stories would not be as interesting, my drive to let others know they are not alone and their journey is at once their own and a shared experience if I had not lived the exact life I live would not exist. .

Take your time, don't get the tattoo just yet LOL. Listen to the stories of butches and trans men and others in the middle. You'll connect to each in small ways but at some point you will feel that deeper connection, that relatability that drives home what you have probably known on some level all along BUT social media, culture and even peers have clouded with lots of outside influence and opinions. 

Be happy for you and you alone. Those that love you will love you. I am glad you found me and I have no doubt you’ll figure it all out and life will be grand!

[knickynoo]

Hi! @/chickenmcfly1 here, I can’t actually send asks Bc my blog is a sideblog and idk how to work tumblr lol, but I realized I’d never sent you an ask even though I feel like we’ve rambled a lot on each other’s posts and I appreciate your takes so much so here’s one. What do you think the new 2015 McFly family is like? What is Marty like as a dad and what are jr and Marlene like (do they have the same names?) Etc. Have a good day!!

Yes, we do ramble on each other's posts a lot, don't we? And I think I've sent you a couple of asks at some point, so now that you've sent me one the cycle is complete. 😆

McFly fam 2015:

Marty is psyched to be a father (he's also very nervous, but mostly he's excited), and he's an emotional wreck when the twins are born and cries because he's so happy.

Jennifer, despite having gotten that look at the sad, dysfunctional version of her future family in 2015, feels a lot of hope as she and Marty really begin their life together. She's confident that she and Marty have grown enough as people and will make the right choices to help make a bright future for themselves as a family.

Though by the time his kids are born, Marty's had several years in his updated, more stable family, he's still obviously been shaped by his upbringing in the old timeline. As such, he's very focused on raising his kids with love, support, and encouragement. He protects them, but also allows them to try new things and experience the success and failure that comes with it. He corrects and guides them, but is careful not to be overly critical because he knows what it's like to feel like you're being put under a microscope and having your shortcomings pointed out.

Jennifer loves being a mother, and I can see her wanting to stay home for a while when the twins are young and just devoting her time to being with them. She takes them on outings to expose them to different experiences, has them in playgroups with the kids of her friends, and sets up all sorts of cute routines for them at home (afternoons where they do crafts, bedtime stories, etc).

Marty often fills the house with music. He writes and sings songs for the kids from the time they're born and has special songs for both of them.

Idk if I have many specific ideas on what Jr. and Marlene are like, but I do think that Jr. would be somewhat different than what we see in the movie. He's still shy and sort of discombobulated and easily flustered (takes after his dad that way), but he's not a complete pushover or easily manipulated/bullied by others. Marty and Jen, being much more involved in the new future, model to Jr. from a young age how to deal with those situations and stand up for himself. Plus, having parents who are in a healthy marriage and are overall happy really helps him to not be so anxious.

There's a draft of pt II where Marty (our Marty) is upset to discover that Jr. is in a remedial school, and while I don't like the way it's handled in the draft and am glad it was cut, I actually like that detail in general and am gonna insert it into the future I imagine for them. Mainly because I want to imagine future-Marty not being at all ashamed that his son needs help academically/has a learning disability, and instead being a father who lovingly supports Jr. and wants to do all he can to help him be successful.

Marlene is very independent from a young age. She definitely "mothers" Jr. to the point where Jen sometimes has to be like, "Um, hey. Hi. Yeah, I'm the mom, ok? Go and color or something."

Marlene and Jr. have their own lives and friends, but when it comes down to it, they're each other's best friend. They have all these weird, elaborate inside jokes that leave Marty and Jen scratching their heads because they just have no clue what is going on or what their kids are talking about.

Overall, the McFlys are a tight-knit, loving family. Marty and Jennifer create a wonderful life for themselves and feel happy and fulfilled. They never forget what could have been (and almost was) though, and it makes them all the more thankful for the choices they made and the way they've stuck together through the years.

SIDE NOTE: Doc is also very involved with the McFly fam because I said so, and also because his medical overhaul adding 40 years to his life allows him to continue to be around for a long time. He's known as Uncle Doc and Marlene and Jr. LOVE when he comes to visit because it's nonstop chaos and fun and he brings great presents. Although, they are a little confused as to exactly how old he is and try over the years to get a straight answer and figure it out but never can, so they eventually just accept that it's part of the mystery of Uncle Doc.

Thanks for the ask! Hope you have a good day too! Also, thanks for the quality responses you always add to my posts. =)

[sapphire11]

BTHB: sleep deprivation. A baby with colic, teething, or some minor ailment keeps the boys up. Could be their kid, they could be babysitting Charlie, could be Jonah for some brotherly bonding time. Either way they are not getting any sleep and not for any fun reasons

Jen!!! Thank you for gifting me this wonderful prompt, please accept this 6k word fic that ended up being a completely self-indulgent continuation of my TK Strand introspective character study in exchange.

Did this story somehow spiral into 6k words of me exploring more of my apparent TK Strand character study? Yes. Did I work this in my mind as a continuation of my recent Tarlos prompt? Yes. Did I also manage to work in my favorite character Andrea Reyes for some motherly affection? Again Yes.

Do I regret any of this? No

Read here on tumblr or here on ao3

As always thank you for your kind words of encouragement and your glorious essays of comments. I do hope you enjoy!!

[eitherandor-blog]

Just Kids

There has been a lot going on in the world.  Always true of course though it feels like an influx of negative news (including that the pandemic is not over yet).  More writing from me on some of those items may come soon but recently and urgently, I am consumed and concerned with the sweeping anti-trans and homophobic legislation across the country.  You may have heard about the "Don't say gay" bill in Florida and the Texas law that considers gender-affirming services for youth child abuse.  Sadly these are just two instances among a larger pool of policies around the country.  [Many are listed in the link below - thank you Anti-Racism Daily!] 

Based on some of my other posts, you may have heard or noticed that I became a parent during this pandemic.  Part of our nighttime routine is reading a book before bed.  One night last week, I picked "I am Jazz" about TV personality, activist, and trans woman Jazz Jennings.  This was intentional, a mild reminder of how much gender messaging kids receive and how early many of them know who they are. Our toddler is labeled male and read as a boy may identify as a boy later in life.  Or not.  That choice though is his to make.  Not mine or my partner's, not the state, a school, or doctor. 

In terms of agency and personal autonomy, encouraging a child to explore their gender identity and expression should not be up for debate.  Texas's new law is not in the best interests of any child or family.  In fact, there are real consequences with the restrictive nature of this law and similar ones cropping up: License to discriminate and act on prejudice, safety concerns for the individuals impacted, and an extra burden to the already overworked state social service resources, among others.  Anyone concerned about the wellbeing of a child should not oppress them or impress upon them your views, constraints, or labels.  They will already get this from every avenue of our world.  Instead, a healthy and supportive parent, caregiver, or adult makes space for their voice and agency.  This is what positive youth development looks like and should be the goal of any politician and political party, rather than a political issue or stance they are trying to limit. 

Speaking of limits, there are also abundant laws prohibiting trans athletes' participation in high school and college sports.  These bills are commonly applied disproportionately to women's and girls' sports because of the possible performance of trans women among their cis women peers.  This is not the first time that laws are pushed to protect women and girls from "the other."  [Think of the miscegenation and Jim Crow practices of not-so-distant US history.]  But let's be clear: anyone who is in a gendered sport should be competing with peers who identify in the same way.  There are hormonal differences across people as well as other discrepancies based on identity (think class, geography, and more) that affect the training and abilities of athletes.  Trans women are women.  Some are great at some sports, some are not, and some don't care about sports either- just like cis women. Will there be trans women who excel?  Yes of course.  Penn swimmer Lia Thomas is one example.  She just won a national college competition (which should be celebrated not derided).  Her time is also nine or ten seconds less than that of Olympian and at the time collegiate athlete Katie Ledecky.  I do not think there any examples of people identifying as trans, gender non-conforming, or another gender identity as a means to get an advantage in sports.  Where are those people and stories?  That is not the narrative we see proliferating sports and if you know anyone who identifies as trans*, they will tell you that sports is not why they identify the way they do. 

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I felt comfortable enough to explore my gender identity or how I expressed it.  At my job, I tried using "they/them" as pronouns in addition to "he/him" because I did not feel comfortable or included in how our society has defined men and masculinity.  These are still areas where I am uncomfortable though I have come to redefine what "being a man" means to me.  This is not to equate my experience with that of trans* youth and adults nor say how I am impacted by the inumerable devastating laws referenced.  Instead, my illustration is to say what damage our society in its current iteration can impose on us individually even for me as a white, mostly cis, boy growing up and finding his place in the world.  The cost and stakes are amplified if we further marginalize and demonize LGBTQ+ young people.  If you think these laws are somehow helping this rhetoric, you overlook the political agenda being pushed with no regard for the damage that follows. 

In the weeks that have followed the Texas, Florida, and other proposed and enacted bills around the country, there are ways to speak out or take action.  Be it contacting legislators, signing petitions, or direct actions, I know I have seen several.  There are examples too of people - including students! - who are protesting these policies, such as a school walkout in Florida.  There are also some tangible actions referenced in the link that follows this post. 

Most importantly though, remember that our society does not make space for and care for everyone equally or equitably.  These laws serve as a stark reminder though they are hardly the only ways transphobia and homophobia persist in our communities.  So if you want to be involved, be sure that you make space for young people in your world.  All people, all genders - beginning with PrOnOuNs!  Young folks know who they are and will share it with you if you allow them to, if they want to, and feel safe.  They deserve treatment (and hormones and surgery) that is called GENDER AFFIRMING if they so choose.  They should be able to compete in sports with the gender they identify - and have opportunities if that is not as simple as mere "boy" or "girl" choices.  They need to be allowed to use the bathroom where they are most comfortable and identify. 

If you are not comfortable with all of this, sit with that feeling.  Self awareness has value.  You can educate yourself and reflect on your own biases (because we all have them).  I'm not an expert but absolutely available to answer questions too.  Being uninformed is not a license to be discriminatory and hurtful.  There is no one it protects or saves. 

We are doomed if we allow laws to propagate that box in children and young people (or anyone for that matter).  Instead what if we encourage them to blossom and appreciate how each one of them grows?  That to me sounds beautiful, healthy, and humanizing.  I want that for you, for my children, and myself.  Who does not want that?

[The title of this blog is of a song by the same name “Just Kids” by Mat Kearney.  You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SgUafccJSw. 

Also referenced is the Anti-Racism Daily.  This piece was written on March 14th so there are likely updates since last week. You can read the state-by-state anti-trans laws as well as actions to challenge them here: https://the-ard.com/2022/03/14/help-fight-against-anti-trans-bills-by-state/]

[commander-rahrah]

RESIDENCY: SECOND CHANCES (AN OPEN HEART FIC): PART FOUR

Pairing: MC (Jordynne Holland) X Ethan Ramsey X Bryce Lahela; MC X Bryce; MC X Ethan. Please note that both pairings are present in this fan fiction — off & on, at the same times, and the relationships do ebb & flow. Please keep this in mind. Thank you.

Masterlist: Click Here

Chapter Rating: T

Word Count: 3940+

Description:  Everybody’s first day back at Edenbrook. Is this second year everything they will need it to be?

Disclaimer: Characters, storyline, and parts of the dialogue are taken from Pixelberry’s Choices. They fully own the characters, dialogue, backgrounds, etc. MC Jordynne’s background is my own creation, based loosely off of MC in-game’s personality and provided with more details.

Author’s Note: Ha. Soooo, its been a while. A long while. Many factors went into delaying updating this fic. First of all -- the pandemic. I am an essential worker. I am tired, and stressed. Yes, still. I am tired. I wake up, drive, work, drive, home, eat, sleep. That’s it. My freetime, creativity. mental health, etc. has been at an all time low. Second of all -- life. Soooo much has happened for my little family. My partner and I bought our first home and rescued our absolutely gorgeous puppy from a rescue shelter. It can be a bit hard to find time to write between putting your entire life into boxes, not having any furniture for 3 months and chasing after a puppy. Third -- I honestly felt like I lost my touch with my characters after reading Open Heart 2. The hiatus was understandable but long. There were chapters that were amazing, and heartbreaking and made me feel like I was soooo excited to write them. And then... by the end of Book 2... I felt lost? My favorite characters voices seem muffled. And I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep going. Do I ignore scenes/rewrite them? Would that compromise the premise of my fic? Being a fic that is in addition to the original PB story? I’m still a little lost if I am completely honest. Fourth -- general posting anxiety. Which I try so hard to avoid, and not think of. But comparison games, lack of notes and activity can get to you when you open yourself creatively online. 

But messages of encouragement and inquiries into the next update helped! And I thank everyone who checked in on the fic and on me to see what was going on ♡♡♡ Honestly, I felt like I had no time to write, and even if I did I wasn’t motivated or inspired enough to do it. Tonight, I felt good. The news of OH3 was a bit of a kick starter for me I won’t lie. But I want to get back into these character’s heads -- I want to figure out the god damn mess that Jordynne has made for herself with Ethan and Bryce!! 

As always any likes, reblogs and comments are very appreciated. If you would like to be added/removed from the tag list please just let me know! It has been a long time since the fic updated so please let me know if you no longer want to be tagged or want to be tagged. 

Taglist: @drakewalkerfantasy​ @owleyes-374​ @lahelable​ @mayah-mahdy @paisleylovergirl​ @nicquix​ @emilymay100​ @octobereighth​ @llamasgrl​ @timmagicktoad​ @lilyofchoices @msjpuddleduck​ @mfackenthal​ @paulfwesley​ @ccolz88-blog​ @mindlessdreaminxo @jooous​ @lapisreviewsstuff​ @choicesarehard​ @themingdynasty​ @omgjasminesimone​ @hopelessly-shipper​ @binny1985​ @perriewinklenerdie​ @jens-diamondchoices​ @indiacater​ @chasingrobbie​ @writingsbymissy @dimitriwife​ @tacohead13​ @amy-choices @mrsmatsuo @checkurwindow​ @imrookieramsey​ @bitchloveskcbaseball​ @mrs-ramsey​

Previous Updates: Residency — Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine Part Ten Part Eleven Part Twelve Part Thirteen Part Fourteen Part Fifteen Part Sixteen Part Seventeen Part Eighteen Part Nineteen

Residency: Second Chances – Part One Part Two Part Three

Bryce stood near the entrance to Edenbrook — shuffling from one foot to another. Both hands were wrapped around paper coffee cups — one of which he took a careful sip of. 

So he had stopped to get her a latte from her favorite café. He knew she would probably be in a huge rush to get to work early and wouldn’t stop to get one. He wanted her day to start off right. At least he hadn’t shown up to the apartment.

Well, the thought had crossed his mind but he had quickly pushed it away. This was about being her friend. He just wanted Jordynne to have a good first day.

His dark eyes kept flicking towards the subway stairs, waiting patiently for that familiar blonde head to come bobbing up. Placing one of the cups on top of the other, he balanced them carefully as he dug into his jeans pocket for his phone. Maybe she had texted — 

“Oh Bryce — hey!” His ears perked up at the voice, and was met with a warm smile. The smile that occupied his waking dreams. He liked being the reason for that smile. 

“Hey Jordy!” God, why did he sound so breathless.

“Happy first day as a resident!” He shoved his phone back into his pocket, before grabbing onto her latte and extending it out, “I thought you should be extra caffeinated for your day, so I got you...” But his voice trailed off as he realized she was already clutching a travel mug to her chest. “Oh you already got one.”

“Uh, yeah,” Her smile turned sheepish, “I had the exact same thought process as you actually.” 

“Heh—,” he chuckled, “I guess I know you pretty well.” 

Her green eyes flashed with a look he couldn’t quite read, “Guess you do.” “Well, do you want it still...?” He held out the lukewarm latte again, unsure what to do with it. 

“Hey, I’m still Jordynne Holland. When have I ever denied extra caffeine?” Bryce’s white teeth bit his lip as they stretched into a smile. He handed her the cup — their fingers grazing slightly. 

“Thanks.” 

They fell into step behind the other roommates, trailing into the hospital. As they walked together, Bryce suddenly struggled to find what to say. He had never been one to stay quiet — usually he was the outspoken one. But now he just watched her grasp onto her two coffee cups tightly, her eyes low as she walked into Edenbrook. 

Once they made there way into the staff locker room, they separated to their own lockers. He watched out of the corner of his eye as she carefully sat her two drinks down, before grabbing her white coat. She slipped it on effortlessly, before wrapping her stethoscope around her neck. Flipping her blonde ponytail out, she turned to speak with Sienna — her voice to low for him to hear.

Jordynne looked amazing — her lean legs and hips wrapped in a deep green skirt that showed off just enough that it was both sexy and tasteful. Her high necked pale blouse brought out her olive skin. She could be the woman on the front of the pamphlets they hand out to pre-med undergrads. She already was the doctor she was aspiring to be — and he knew she would fit in well with the Diagnostics team. He thought of Ramsey — his pressed trousers, and leather dress shoes. His watch that probably cost more then Bryce’s car. Grinding his molars, he looked down at the wrinkles trousers and Nikes in his hands. Peeling his shirt off he tossed it gently into his locker, letting out a sigh.

But he quickly masked it as Jordynne went to leave the locker room. “Hey,” He caught her attention before she went to leave, “You’re gonna kill it, Holland.” 

“Thanks Lahela,” She gave him that smile again. The one that made everything flutter. 

“I’ll save you a seat at lunch?”

“Oh—“ Her eyebrows furrowed slightly in the middle, “I’m not sure how my day will look with the team... I’ll play it by ear?” She offered, looking a little guilty. 

“Yeah— yeah of course...” His voice sounded a little strained. “We’ll catch you later.” 

She nodded at him, pushing her hands into her pockets, “Okay, yeah. See you guys in the atrium,” She called out over her shoulder, her blonde ponytail swinging as she walked away. 

Bryce’s brown eyes flickered over to the rest of her roommates, who were all watching with slightly worried looks. It was starting to settle in. Maybe this second year, this second chance — was the beginning of everything changing. ________________________________________________________________ He had originally come up here to get accustomed to his new surroundings. Get a lay of the land. The board had spared no expense with the new wing expansion — and the Diagnostic team’s new office was no joke. 

Ethan was standing across the hall from the room — staring into the room through the glass walls. Everything inside was sleek, shiny and new. His hands were bunched up fists in the pockets of his trousers, and the tie around his neck felt a little tight. Had he forgotten what all of this was like while he was away?  

Thirty minutes he had stood there. 

Thirty. 

Standing there and imagining where he would sit at the table — discussing with the team, leading them to the right diagnosis. Researching at the desk, pouring over the hundred books that was supplied for them in there. 

But the picture in his head was fuzzy. Even in his imagination Ethan felt like something didn’t feel right. What was it? 

The team? No. Mirani and Hirata always did excellent work. He could rely on them.

Was it that Naveen was missing? So many of his biggest successes with the team was with Naveen. And he definitely felt his absence this past year. He had also never really adjusted to the idea of being the team lead for the department. It was thrust upon him, not once but twice. And both times he had been unprepared. Being a leader wasn’t exactly what he had always hoped for in his career.

Ethan’s thick brows were furrowed as he thought, the gears in his mind whirling. Why had he been staring at the office for thirty minutes? What was stopping him from going inside and just doing his damn work? That’s what he came back for — so what was his trepidation? 

The light flickering on in the diagnostic teams office brought him back to reality. The room was illuminated, the white light shining through the glass walls and spilling into the hall. 

There she was. 

Jordynne stood at the entrance of the office, her back facing him as she took it all in. She hadn’t notice him from across the large hallway. Ethan stepped back into the shadows — hoping she wouldn’t see him capturing the moment. A silent laugh escaped him as he watched her set not one, but two coffee cups down onto the table. His lips remained upturned as he watched her wander deeper into the room, running her fingers over the smooth surface of the whiteboard. She had a soft smile on her face as she looked around her. 

“Good morning Dr. Ramsey!”

Ethan almost hissed at the sound of the cheerful voice next time. Looking over he saw Dr. Baz Mirani standing next to him with a wide smile spread across his face. 

“Morning,” He grumbled, looking back to his view of the diagnostics office where Jordynne had started to settle in. 

“That’s Dr. Holland right?” Baz followed his line of sight, and watching her for a moment. “Are you going to head in?” The young doctor questioned, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. 

He cleared his throat, before shaking his head, “You go ahead.”

The young man didn’t think anything of it, and marched over into the office. Ethan could hear their muffled voices through the glass as they introduced each other.

He noticed the next person that came up to him — Dr. Hirata. She gave him a nod, before pausing for a moment and staring at him in the dark side of the corridor. He could tell she was calculating, attempting to deduce what was keeping him out of their new office. But her face remained neutral and she turned on her heel and headed into the room. 

Maybe there were too many variables for her to figure it out too. 

His blue eyes watched as the three colleagues got familiar with each other, shaking hands and pleasantries. Maybe this would be a perfect time to go in. He had missed the awkward introductions — the worst part was over. He just had to go into the room. 

Running his hands over his white coat, Ethan crossed the hall and stepped into the brand new office. 

“Introductions done?” He asked, his thick brows raised. He glanced over them quickly, not long enough to make any eye contact. “Great. We’ve got work to do.” The glass door behind him gently hissed as it closed — leaving them all in the office together. 

Ok. First step done.

“We have an incoming patient from Manhattan Presbyterian.” The trio slid apart to make room for him as he marched to the board, pining up an abdominal CT scan. 

Jordynne, June and Baz grabbed a spot at the circular wooden table in the middle of the room. 

“Can you describe the patient?”

“Male, aged 45. Asian American.” He watched as Jordynne took out her trusty little black notebook, and started jotting down notes. 

“Symptoms?” 

“He presented with a fever, vomiting and diarrhea, and was treated for the flu. He returned several days later with enlarged lymph nodes, abdominal pain, and a rash on his shoulder.” Grabbing onto a black marker, he started to write the known symptoms down on the white board. With his back turned to the group for a moment, he let the corners of his lips turn up for a split second. This felt good. “What did his former doctors think it was?” 

“Hodgkin lymphoma.” He made sure he kept his face neutral -- to not give any answers away. 

June scoffed, “Amateurs. And his blood?” 

He almost laughed.

As the conversation started to amp up, Ethan slipped back into his role on the diagnostics team easier then he had imagined. Bouncing off of each other during the differential — he had missed this. 

Then he realized Jordynne hadn’t said anything. She was sitting in her chair, looking slightly awestruck. But she was still writing notes diligently and observing them going back and forth. 

“Six months ago, however, he was admitted for flu-like symptoms and a rash on his arm.” Ethan continued, drawing his eyes away from her and focusing back on the conversation. 

“That could be the key. Did they biopsy it?” Baz asked, eyebrows raised and face hopeful. 

He pursed his lips, “They didn’t.”

“Any history of dermatitis?” 

“Was he on any medication prior to being admitted?” 

June and Baz asked one after the other, going through their mental lists. “No and no.” 

“It could be cutaneous Kikuchi disease.” Hirata suggested. But she didn't do suggestions -- she diagnosed. 

Interesting.  

June had gotten there first. But she was always like that. It was a race for her.  

“The symptoms do add up.” Dr. Mirani nodded, giving his colleague a look of approval. 

“I agree.” 

There was a knock on the door, and they looked up to see Danny on the other side of the glass. Ethan waved him in where he announced the patient's arrival at Edenbrook.

“Excellent. Dr. Holland,” He spoke directly to her for the first time that morning —holding his breath as he waited for her reaction. But her face remained neutral, looking up at him through her lashes as she waited for him to finish, “Run a biopsy on the patient’s rash. If we’re correct, we’ll begin the patient on a treatment of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatories and prednisone.” 

He noticed her swallow for a moment, listening to her instructions. “And if we’re wrong?” 

“We’ll re-evaluate.” 

“But we won’t need to,” June said confidently, leaning across the table at Jordynne with a wink. 

“Team dismissed. I’ll page you if I need you again today.” He turned around, going back to the white board to add their final notes and treatment plan. 

Out of his peripheral vision he saw Baz put a gentle hand on Jordynne’s shoulder. He lowered his head to speak in her softly, “I made the same face my first few days on the team. You’ll get used to it.”  

Ethan crossed over to his desk to find the patient's file. Rummaging in his pockets, he found his glasses and slid them on. Without looking up from his file, he spoke to Jordynne who had remained in the room, “After you’re done with our patient, you can see Ines and Zaid for further assignments. You’ll be balancing your work here with your usual resident duties. Now that you’re in your second year, that will include rotations at the free clinic.” 

“Yes, Dr. Ramsey.” Her voice was so professional, so trained. He had never heard her sound like that. It was like she had practiced.

He heard the sound of her crossing the room, and stepping towards the door. But then she hesitated. “Will we always diagnose a patient without seeing them?” She asked. 

“No, but we’re often asked for help by other hospitals all over the country, so it’s a good habit to keep our blind diagnosis skills sharp.” He finally looked up from his file, using his finger as a bookmark in it. But when he looked over to, his stomach flipped slightly as he found that her green eyes already staring at him.

He could see her hesitation, and maybe some nerves. She had just been thrown into the deep end -- and it seemed she was struggling to stay afloat. 

“Is everything alright, Jordynne?” 

He couldn’t help himself. Plus, it was his responsibility to ensure her success on the team now. It was apart of his job to check in on her.

“Actually...,” She made sure the glass door closed, before stepping further into the room, “Could we talk?” Her fingers were knotted together in front of her -- she looked nervous, and vulnerable. 

Ethan studied her for a moment, chewing the inside of his cheek, “About the job? Or about us?” 

Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment, like she was in pain. But it was for just for the smallest moment -- he had barely even caught it. “The job.”

Placing the file down, he pulled a chair from the center table out for her where they sat down together. He adjusted his glasses on the crook of his nose, before settling into his chair. “I’m all yours,” He said, folding his hands carefully on top of each other on the table as he waited for her to speak up.

“Dr. Ramsey...," A flicker of doubt crossed her face, before she opened her mouth, "How are you sure you made the right diagnosis?"

Grabbing the file in front of him, he pulled out the patient's previous charts and placed them in front of them. “In medicine, the most logical answer is usually the correct one. In this case, the most obvious answer was Hodgkin lymphoma.”

“But the other hospital had already eliminated Hodgkin lymphoma.” She finished for him. 

“Correct. Which allowed us to take it off the board and considered the next most logical answer.” He pointed back over his shoulder to the symptoms he had written on the board in his chicken scratch, “The patient had a persistent rash. Paired with the symptoms present, the most logical answer is Kikuchi disease." He met her eye easily across the table, before matching her vulnerability, "But as to how I’m so sure, I’m not. Which is why you’ll be running a biopsy. We need to trust in our diagnostic instincts, but the second we let arrogance overrule the results, we fail as doctors.” 

“So I should use logic... and be humble?” Her eyebrows were tugging in the middle as she processed his advice.  

“And read journals. I want you to turn yourself into a walking disease encyclopedia. You can’t diagnose the patient if you don’t study up. If the patients we saw had more common diseases... they’d never have been referred to us in the first place.” 

“Got it.” She nodded -- eyeing the bookshelves behind them that were filled with textbooks.

“So what did you think of the team?" He asked curiously, "It was the three of us under Naveen last year, until he put himself out to pasture.” 

A soft chuckle escaped her, “You mean became Chief of Medicine?”

He smiled at the sound, “Precisely.” 

“Well, we just met but I think I liked Baz.” Jordynne offered, pursing her lips.  

“He’s hard to dislike. Walking proof that genetics aren’t everything.” 

“When did he join the team?”

“A couple years ago, when Zaid began his residency. He sought a position here to be closer to his brother.” 

Her eyebrows raised in surprise, “Can’t believe Zaid would be okay with that.” 

“Supposedly, the old chief cleared it with Zaid before he approved the transfer. But I heard a rumor that it was Baz, dressed up pretending to be Zaid.” 

Her mouth fell open, “He wouldn’t!” 

He shrugged, a cheeky smile spreading across his face. “I don’t pay any mind to rumors.” 

She smirked back at him -- and he could feel the nervousness and ice melting between them. They could do this. 

Two colleagues conversing normally. This was fine. 

“So if I want to get on Baz’s good side, how do I go about that?” She leaned in a bit more towards him, putting her elbow on the table and resting her chin on her fist. 

Ethan thought for a moment before replying, “Baz is earnest to a fault. He respects authenticity more than anything so... as much as I despise saying anything so incredibly banal, my advice would be... “be yourself”,” He grimaced as the words left his mouth. 

“Oof—“ She chuckled, “That must have hurt to say aloud.” She knew him well. “That’s why you’ll never hear it again.” 

She let out another laugh, but this one sounded more sad. Then a sigh escaped her, and she started picking at her lip, “I thought I was so ready for this year. How do I feel like a clueless intern all over again?”

“Because you are clueless, relatively speaking.” 

She frowned, “Gee, thanks.”

His stomach dropped -- that's not what he meant. “It wasn't an insult," He scrambled to get out, "You get to spend the second year of your residency in a small room with over three decades of collective medical knowledge and experience. Learn from it. Be inspired to become a better doctor from it.” He looked up, and found her already looking at him again. His thick brows furrowed, “What is it?” 

“Oh uh... your glasses...," Her words trailed off as she looked at him, "They make you look smart.” She sounded a little breathless. 

He did his best to ignore how that made him feel, the blush that might have been creeping up on his cheeks. So he hid between cheek and tongue. “You’ve caught me. The illusion behind my status. Without these I’m a simpering moron.”

The pair was quiet for a beat, before bursting out laughing. As they laughed, she casually tapped his hand with hers. “Thank you,” She spoke again, but this time her voice was quiet. 

Her fingers had lingered on his hand, so she gave it a squeeze. They were cold on his warm skin.

Ethan's jaw set as he felt those familiar sparks. Jordynne...” His voice was a warning. It was only the first hour of their first day. 

“I know.” She said carefully, but she looked down at the table. 

“We’ll be okay. We’ll make it work.” 

He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. 

“Yeah,” She breathed out. 

He moved his thumb gently across her fingers, daring to give her just that smallest bit of comfort. But the sound of the glass door whooshing open caused him to rip his hand away. 

“Whoops! Forgot my pager! That could have been very bad!” Baz strolled back into the office -- oblivious to what he had just walked in on. 

Both Ethan and Jordynne bolted out of their chairs, stepping away from each other. 

“Hmm. Yes. It’s right over there on the table.” Ethan pointed before shoving his guilty hands into his lab coat.

“I’ll get those tests run.” Jordynne had moved to the door, her arms crossed over her chest and face flushing red with embarrassment. 

“Excellent. Thank you.” He said with a nod, watching as she turned on her heel and marched down the hallway. 

Why was nothing ever easy with Jordynne Holland? 

Would this year be any different? 

_______________________________________________________________

"Cholecystitis." Jordynne said as she finished adding it to the whiteboard in the diagnostics room. Her perfect block letters standing out drastically against Dr. Ramsey's messy scratch. "Inflamed gull bladder which explains the abdominal pain after eating. Which is entirely separate from Kikuchi disease."

She turned around, capping the pen with a confident smile. Esme was standing near the door, watching the scene unfurl with crossed arms. 

"I have to say, I'm not sure I would have spotted that." June spoke first -- looking mildly impressed. 

"Nice catch, Jordynne." Baz gave her a big smile. 

"Indeed. Especially since we had been diagnosing based on reports, not our own face-to-face interviews. Dr. Holland's specialty has always been listening to her patients. Well done." He gave her a nod, a smile threatening to show on his face. 

"It wasn't just me. Dr. Ortega assisted." She nodded to her intern at the door. She knew that drove Ethan crazy -- passing along credit to her colleagues. But Esme deserved it. 

"Hey," Esme nodded her head at the trio from the corner of the room, attempting a smile.

"So this is your intern?" Ramsey stepped forward, eyebrows raised. "Well, Dr. Ortega...," He sized her up for a moment, before moving his steely eyes over to Jordynne. "Dr. Holland's one of our best. Consider yourself lucky."

Jordynne felt warmth spread in her chest -- feeling proud of herself. High praise from Dr. Ramsey -- everything between them aside. 

"I do, Dr. Ramsey." 

"Keep me updated on his treatment." Ethan asked politely, before filing out of the room with the rest of the diagnostics team. 

"So I guess you're pretty good at this." Her intern looked at her with a little smirk. "You saw for yourself, I learned from the best. Edenbrook has some of the best doctors in America, and you'll learn from them all. And not just the attendings, but your fellow interns too. I wouldn't have made it through without my friends."

"You telling me to what... be more social?" Esme looked up at her -- her face filled with doubt.

She shrugged, the corners of her lips tugging up, "It can't hurt."

"It definitely can."

"Donahue's from the other night? That's where everyone goes. But first, let's get you back to your patients." Jordynne started to shuffle out of the office, but Esme's voice stopped her. 

"Right... Hey, Dr. Holland? Thanks for not bailing on me. Gotta say, that's a new one." She sounded genuine.

"Sure thing, Ortega. I got your back." 

This year could be different.

[thorne93]

The Stars Made Us (Part 11)

Prompt: In this world, you’re one of the “lucky” ones who got a soulmate, but what if the universe gives you more than you bargained for?

(Prompt challenge – You live in a world where your soulmate can write on their skin and you will get the writing on your own and vice versa. Where they can wash away the ink on their own skin, however, the writing is forever scarred onto your skin until you meet face to face)

Word Count: 2790

Warnings: angst and language throughout

Notes: This was supposed to be for @sorryimacrapwriter​​​​  and their challenge like a year ago, I think? I still loved the prompt though and have been working on this story for quite some time. This aesthetic was made by @dontshootmespence​​​​, thank you so much! Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes​​​​, couldn’t have done it without you, as well as @carryonmyswansong​​​​ and @arrow-guy​​​​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​

Also, I’ve never really liked the whole soulmate AU thing idea, but this felt so right and it was amazing to write. I hope y’all love it too!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the plane ride down, you weren’t sure what to think of everything. Of course you were excited to start this new chapter of your life, but you were still very aware of everything you’d be leaving behind. 

You had to meet with your landlord to give up your office space, tell your patients that you would reach out on communicating with them later, tell your parents, box up your house, put your house up for sale… It was a lot to do in one week. Thankfully, Charles was there to help you with it all. He could box the house while you got things sorted on the business side of things. 

First thing’s first, going to your parents. They hadn’t heard much from you in a month. You’d only called twice, but you kept it vague, as you wouldn’t be sure when you might return home, or even if you were staying. 

“So I thought we could swing by my parents first,” you stated as you two got through airport security. “They deserve to know what’s going on, and I think they’d like to meet you first and all that jazz.” 

“Sounds good to me. I am here for whatever you need, darling,” he cooed as he held your hand, kissing it and stroking your knuckles. “Just point me in the direction you need.” 

A warm grin spread on your face while walking through the terminal before hailing a taxi. Both of you got in with your luggage and you gave him your parents address, which was over an hour away from the airport. 

“Is it embarrassing to admit that I’m nervous?” Charles asked once you got out onto the road. 

You blushed and grabbed his hand. “No, I think it’s absolutely adorable.” 

“Of course you would, you're my mate. But I’m over thirty, meeting your parents shouldn’t have me giddy like a schoolboy meeting your parents on prom night. It’s ridiculous.”

“Don’t look now, Charles, but I think it means you’re actually caring for me,” you teased.

“I’ve always cared for you,” he said emphatically, no joking in his voice at all.

All you could do was stare back into those haunting eyes and give the tiniest of smiles. 

You settled in together for the ride and leaned into each other. 

Eventually, you were home -- well your home away from home. The place where you grew up and your sanctuary when you were in college and med school. Once you paid the fare and grabbed your bags, you set up towards the steps. You tried the door, but it was locked. You pulled out your keys from your purse and tried the old house key. It was in the lock and… click. 

You opened the door and waved Charles in behind you.

“Hey, anybody here?” you called out. When no one responded, you turned to Charles. “Well this was home sweet home for a while. This was where I was when we first… communicated,” you informed with a soft smile. 

“I’d very much like to see--” 

“Y/N?” your mom’s voice sounded from the end of the hallway. Your eyes went straight to the sound. 

“Mom!” you said happily before walking to her and giving her a hug. Your dad right behind her in the hallway. 

“Short Stack?” he greeted, calling you by your nickname. 

You let go of your mom and then hugged your dad. “It’s so good to see you both.” 

Your parents looked at you, holding you in their gaze before their eyes flashed back to Charles. You laughed slightly before backing up and taking his hand again. “Mom, Dad… This is X.” You peered at him with love in your eyes. “Or, his real name, Charles Xavier.” 

They stared at you both, their eyes darting back and forth between you two, before finally landing on your face.

“This is him?” your dad exclaimed.

“He’s the guy?” your mom said simultaneously

“He’s the one who hurt you?” your dad said.

“The one who ignored you for a year.” 

“The one that let you think you’d done something wrong?!” 

“He’s… he’s… he isn’t worthy of your love!” 

You frowned, confused. You had no idea your parents would react this way. You thought they’d be happy for you. 

Letting go of Charles’s hand, you stepped forward, raising your hands. “Woah, woah. Don’t attack him for--”

“For what? For breaking your heart? You two were inseparable, if that’s what you could call it, for ten years, and he just up and leaves you. Not a word. No explanation.” 

“Dad,” you started, trying to defend him.

“Your father’s right,” your mom agreed. “He wasn’t good to you. He abandoned you,” she reminded. 

“I know,” you assured. “But I’ve been with him, for the past month. We met, we talked, he explained it all. I forgive him, all I ask is that you do too.” 

“We can’t,” your mom simply said, shaking her head with a sorrowful look on her face. “We… want you to be happy, sweetie, we do, but if he can do this to you, who’s to say he won’t do it again?”

“If I may,” Charles began, taking a step towards your parents. 

“No you may not,” your dad said. “We used to think you were good. You gave Y/N so much hope, so much life. As long as she had you, her life was on track. But then you… you broke her. I’ve never seen her so upset. You ignored her for weeks, months… How… how could you do that? What kind of person does that? I’m sorry, I used to support this… union, but I can’t any more. I watched my little girl dissolve into a shell because of you. No. I won’t watch it again.” He shook his head, his hand making a gesture of slicing. 

“I’m with your father, Y/N. He’s right.”

“No, Mom, he’s not. Look, I agree with you that what he did was shitty, but he’s explained what happened. I don’t think he’ll hurt me like that again. We’ve met, we’re on the same page…” You took his hand again. “We’re in love,” you breathed. 

“That... isn’t enough,” your father said. “I’m sorry, Y/N, but our answer is final. We just can’t support you two being together.” 

“Dad,” you tried but he just shook his head. 

“Sorry pumpkin. It’s really good to see you though. You’re welcome to stay for dinner,” he encouraged with a sad smile. 

You turned to Charles and gestured for him to follow you once your parents retreated to the kitchen. He followed you up the stairs and you went to your old bedroom that was now a craft room for your mom. You didn’t mind. They kept some of your old stuff from highschool on a table on one end. 

“This was my room,” you explained, walking in and turning. You let out a sigh and Charles walked over and put his arms around you. “I thought you wouldn’t read my mind,” you said before a sob broke out of you with a laugh. 

He rubbed your back lovingly before he said, “I didn’t. You know, even without my powers I’m capable of detecting social cues, believe it or not.” 

You laughed through the tears. “I just....I love you so much, and I know they did too. I just can’t imagine that they don’t want you in my life anymore. You’re so perfect for me and they know this but--”

He pulled away slightly, his hand still rubbing your arms. “They’ll come around, darling. I can’t say that I blame them. I did… well almost ruin you.” 

You scoffed out a laugh before wiping your face. “Don’t take so much credit,” you teased weakly. “I wasn’t ruined… Broken, maybe. But I would’ve been alright.” 

He smiled at you, adoration on his face. “I know you would’ve been. You’re stronger than I am.”

“I’m not sure about that,” you responded. The air hung heavy for a moment before you took a deep breath and began walking around. “My bed was right here. My computer was there,” you pointed to the wall in front of you, the one that the door was on. “I was sitting right here on my bed, contemplating whether or not to write you, well, whoever might have been out there.” 

“And I’m glad you did. Who knows where I’d be without you,” he boasted with a proud smile. 

“Probably with Hank, eating junk food in front of a TV,” you remarked with a smirk. 

He laughed. “Probably so.” 

“God, I was so nervous when I wrote out to you. I wasn’t sure who I’d get, when they would respond, if they’d respond at all. At first it was just this silly challenge Jen put me up to, but then I was actually really excited. Then I got worried that I would be disappointed if no one responded.” 

“I was equally surprised. I wasn’t expecting text to show up on my arm in the middle of the night,” he remembered. 

You peered at him. “Hey, why didn’t you ever try to reach out to anyone? You know, try what I did?” 

He shrugged. “I never really thought about it. I was busy with college when I was 18 so love didn’t cross my mind.” 

You nodded. “Makes sense, I suppose.” 

“Do you ever regret it… reaching out to me? I mean… was I a disappointment to you?” 

A curious, concerned expression crossed your face. “What? No. Of course not. You’re a miracle,” you said with a sense of relief. “You’re handsome, incredibly intelligent, and compassionate. You’re more than anything I’d ever dreamed of.”

“Even when we met?” he asked with a peculiar tone, curiosity burning in his voice. 

“Even then. You being a little down on yourself wasn’t a deterrent.” Your eyes raked him. “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you’re trying to get rid of me. Trying to prove to me that I don’t deserve you or something.” 

“No,” he assured, taking your hands in his as he stepped closer to you. “Not at all. I love you and I’m so happy we found each other. I just… your parents are against us and I don’t want to cause a wedge.” 

“They’ll come around,” you said. “They’ll see how good we are to each other and they’ll have to agree.” 

“I hope so, because I wasn’t planning on letting you go.” 

You smiled briefly before the two of you kissed. 

“I don’t want to mention that I’m moving, just yet,” you stated. 

“But, that’s why we’re here,” he reminded with a frown. 

“I know, I know. I just… I didn’t know they’d take the news of us meeting this badly so I want to give them some time.” 

“Y/N, you’re moving this week. They’re going to figure it out pretty soon.” 

“I know, but let’s give them a couple days to cool off, please? Then we can tell them.” 

He eyed you for a moment before nodding.

Then your mom called that dinner was ready and you all ventured downstairs.

Once you were seated and about to start eating, your dad began talking to you. “So, how’s the practice going?” 

“Good. I, uh, had to take a short break. I’ve been kind of working with another doctor. I had to go and see Charles so my work had to be put on hold,” you informed carefully. 

“So you put your work on hold for him?” he questioned, irritation evident in his face and voice as he looked at the two of you. 

“Well, yes, but not exactly. I’m still going to work. I still have my practice, it was just a break. Like a vacation.”

“Except it wasn’t a vacation. You were with him,” he stated, the word ‘him’ falling out as a curse. 

“Dad,” you tried. “I just want a nice meal with my soulmate and my parents. Come on, we haven’t seen each other in over a month…”

“You’re right,” your mom agreed. 

“Charles is a professor,” you offered. 

“Did he decide to teach before or after he broke your heart?” your dad asked. 

“Actually, before,” Charles responded. “I wanted to be a teacher for a long time.”

“I’m not sure I like the idea of someone like you leading the youth of the country.” 

“Dad, Charles was a great mentor and professor to several students. He funded a whole school by himself--”

“Was this why he disappeared or was it to find another girl?” he asked.

“Dad!” you cried out. 

“What?” he responded innocently. “It’s a fair question. You two were constantly connected then one day he just poofs out of existence. In my experience the only thing that can divert a dedicated man’s attention like that is a woman.” 

“Sir, actually, it wasn’t a woman - at least not romantically--”

“I don’t give a damn what you have to say. This wasn’t like you two went to prom and you didn’t call her the day after,” your dad retorted, his voice getting louder. “You two are soulmates. Something we’re supposed to believe is special. You talked every day for years. You made Y/N smile, happy, laugh. We’d never seen her like that. Then you stopped responding and she was a wreck. She had no idea if you were dead, alive, anything. She was a mess. She barely got her work done. Then you have the nerve to show up here and act as if you didn’t hurt her at all.” 

“That’s not my intention. I take full responsibility for hurting her. I should’ve never done it. I was in a very dark place and I didn’t want to drag her down with me.”

“Well a lot of good that did.” 

“Dad, it’s not his fault, alright? He isn’t responsible for my happiness,” you interjected.

“No, but he sure as hell didn’t help it. He could’ve told you that he was in a bad place. He could’ve said to give him some time. But he didn’t, did he?” 

“I made a mistake,” Charles responded. “And I’m deeply sorry for it and I’m doing my best to correct it. I can’t ask you to forgive the pain I put Y/N through, hell I don’t forgive myself. But I would like it if you gave me a second chance. Y/N is.” 

“She’s blinded by love,” your dad said in a lower, softer voice. 

“That may be, but I have no intention of hurting her ever again. It’ll be hard to vanish on her again, given the circumstances,” he mentioned.

Your parents frowned and your heart stilled -- oh no. 

“I’m sorry, why is that?” your mom asked, confused. 

“Oh, uh,” he said, stumbling. He realized his mistake, but it was too late. The cat was out of the bag. “No reason. I just mean that now that we’ve met she can easily find me…” he tried, but his lying wasn’t doing terribly well. 

“Y/N, what the hell is he blabbering about?” your dad demanded. 

You clenched your fists, slowly closed your eyes, and took a deep breath before answering. “Uh, I was… I’m considering… Well I’m going to move.” 

“Move? Move when? Where?” 

“This week… I’m moving in with Charles.” 

“And where exactly is that?” your mom asked.

“New York.” 

“New york?!” your parents exclaimed together. 

“We’ll never see you,” your mom said.

“You’re seeing me right now,” you argued softly. 

“You know what we mean. New York is so far away.” 

“I’ll come visit every chance I get,” you assured. “It’s just best if I go with Charles --”

“Why doesn’t he move down here?” your mom offered. “We don’t support this, but if you’re going to stay with him, then you could at least do it down here.”

Shaking your head, you answered, “We can’t do that. Charles has a huge home that’s already set up for schooling. He can’t give that up. I can move my office, but he can’t move his school.” 

Your parents exchanged a glance, one that didn’t look good. 

“Mom, Dad,” you tried feebly. “Just… give us a chance. I was just as mad as you were when I met Charles but we’ve made amends. Please try to understand…” 

“I’m sorry, honey, we just can’t…” your mom replied dishearteningly. 

You put your fork down, scooting your chair back. “Okay, alright. It’s clear you two aren’t willing to listen to to either of us. I’m an adult, and my entire life I’ve made the right decisions, and on the love of my life, my soulmate, you won’t hear me out? Fine. Come on, Charles, we’re leaving.”

You  walked out the door to order an uber.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[johnsbleu]

Hold My Hand: John Wick x Reader Chapter 89

warnings: none, just lengthy speeches  HMH masterlist

Before the speeches started, you and John quickly snuck into the house to take a shot of his more expensive whiskey since you’re both incredibly nervous. You’re still a little nervous to get up there in front of everyone, but you know that if John can do it, then you can too.

Jimmy kept his speech pretty short, but he got plenty of laughs from everyone. He talked all about how John is a great guy, and how much he adores you. He even told a story about John that you hadn’t heard before -- it was tame enough for your wedding thankfully. He didn’t get as sappy as he did during your ceremony, but it was a good speech nonetheless.

Tess is holding the mic firmly in her hand as she stands in front of everyone, and you smile at her, completely captivated by how comfortable she is to be in front of so many people. You’re definitely going to need at least two more drinks to stand up there and deliver your speech.

“Hey, everyone, how’s it going? Most, if not all, of you know me, but if, for some incredibly weird reason you don’t, I’m Tess, and I am the big sister of that beautiful bride right there.” she says, looking at you. She inhales deeply and looks back out at everyone, “I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. I know how much it means to both Y/N and John to have you all here. I’m so happy that they’re able to share their special day with you all.”

You and Tess never even talked about a speech, and you’re squeezing John’s hand and praying she won’t say anything to embarrass the two of you.

“I’ll try to keep this short -- ever since I’ve had my baby, I’m very emotional.” she says, and you hear some light laughter. “Our relationship has always been a unique one. I mean, how many people can say that their sister is also their best friend and actually mean it? I fully mean it when I say that Y/N is my best friend. I don’t know anyone quite like her; she’s just amazing. Since everyone here knows me, you probably know how protective I am of her. I will do whatever I have to do to protect that girl.”

You reach over for a tissue and quickly wipe away a tear in the corner of your eye, and you look over at John as he smiles at you. He places his left hand on your back and rubs it, then he pulls your chair a little closer to him.

“When we moved here for our fresh start, I tried to get her to date some people, but she was not having it. She wanted to take her time, and I understood that.” Tess looks at you and laughs, “She was going to do things on her term and at her own pace. I was totally cool with that, until I get a little fed up with her one day and made her go outside to check the mail because I wanted her to get out of the house. Best thing I ever made you do, huh?”

You laugh as you nod your head, “Yeah.”

“She met the love of her life; she met John. Now, I had seen John around a few times. Seen him walking Bleu around the block a time or two, and we’d always joke about how hot he was, but even then, Y/N didn’t give it much thought. I don’t think she ever really even looked at him. Not because she didn’t think he was attractive -- we all know John is attractive. Y/N didn’t want to look, because looking meant potentially liking this guy, which could lead to heartbreak.” Tess looks at you and smiles, “But…she finally met him, and she immediately hit it off with him.”

John wraps his arm around the back of your chair and pulls you closer to him so he can press a kiss to the top of your head, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” you whisper back before you look at Tess as she finishes her speech.

“The first time I met John, I didn’t even have to turn on my protective big sister mode.” she looks at John and smiles, “John already had his protective mode on, and he was already protecting my sister. I could see it in the way he would ever so gently touch her arm or back, the way he would give her his undivided attention, the way he looks at her. Look at him, look at the way this man looks at my sister. Are you kidding me?”

Every person under the pavilion turns to look at you and John, and you laugh when you hear someone yell for the two of you to kiss. John smiles as he leans over to kiss you, and you sigh contently as you lean back and look at him. Yup, he’s pretty much in love with you.

“Come on.” Tess jokingly groans, pulling everyone’s attention back to her, “I promise I’m almost done. Ever since I met John, I knew he was the one for her. I knew he was the one she was going to marry and spend her life with. I just knew -- I am her big sister, and big sisters are always right.”

You roll your eyes playfully at Tess, “Yeah, yeah.”

“This past year, I’ve been able to grow closer to John, or as I like to call him, Old Man Wick. He’s the brother that I never got to have. He’s not only protective of my little sister, he’s protective of me as well, and I know mom takes comfort in knowing that.” Tess smiles, and you look over at your mom, who is full on crying. “John is…such a good guy, I can’t even begin to describe how good of a man he is -- I’m sure Y/N will do it for me when she gets up here. Anyway, I’ll stop talking now if you want.”

The crowd lets out a laugh, and you shake your head at Tess so she’ll continue -- you just love hearing her thoughts on John.

“John and Y/N, the love that you two share is inspiring. The way you two love each other, trust each other, encourage each other, it’s…incredible. How open and honest you are with one another, it’s really admirable. Your love grows with every passing day, and it just gets deeper and deeper. I can’t wait to see you two as parents when that day comes, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you two because, whether you like or not, John, I’m not going anywhere! I love you two.”

Tess puts the mic down on the table, then she quickly walks over to hug you. She throws her arms around John and rocks from side to side with him, then she presses a kiss to his cheek.

John reaches out for your hand as he walks over to grab the mic, then he smiles when you look at him. He looks so handsome and happy tonight. His hair is fluffy, of course, but it is combed back just a little bit. His dark eyes are so warm and so damn full of happiness that it causes you to grow a little teary eyed every time you look at him -- you’ve never seen John so happy.

You inhale shakily as you take the mic from John, then you hold it in your hands, “On behalf of my husband and I, we’d like to thank you all for coming. We really appreciate that you’d want to be a part of our day.”

“I can do it.” John whispers, reaching out for the mic. He takes the mic from you, then he points at the chair next to Tess, “Go sit down, baby.”

You widen your eyes and smile, “You’re gonna do this without me?”

“This is all for you.” he says, and for a moment, you think he’s about to burst out in song.

You sit down next to Tess and clasp your hands in front of your chest as John shuffles in place a little bit. John looks so nervous up there, but you’re excited to hear what he has to say.

“So, I know I just met a lot of you for the first time tonight, and if we haven’t met yet, I’m John.” he says, and you smile when he looks at you, “And I am now married to that beautiful woman right there. I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. It really does mean so much to, not only Y/N, but me as well.”

You’re already beginning to tear up, and you don’t know how you’re ever going to make it through the rest of his speech without sobbing, or running to his side to be with him. He’s barely even started and you’re already tearing up!

“This might come as a shock to a lot of people, but I’m a few years older than Y/N.” he says, and you jokingly gasp. “And I’ve been married once already. I was married for 5 years, but I unfortunately lost my wife. She was ill and she passed away, and I lost everything when she died.”

On the surface, it sounds like John is referring to Helen as his everything -- and he was -- but not entirely. After Helen passed, John did lose everything. He lost his love, his home, his freedom, and almost his life. You’re more than aware of that.

“After she passed, I was in quite a tough position.” he says, and you let out a small laugh. “Life was a little…rocky, I was unsure of a lot of things, but in the end, I got back to Mill Neck and kind of got back to trying to live a normal life, a life that I so badly wanted.”

“I think he’s working his way up to me.” Jimmy says, and when John looks at you, you nod towards Jimmy.

John is definitely working his way up to Jimmy, and you already know he’s going to thank every person in this room. You can’t wait for it.

“So, I get back to Mill Neck. I’m just living my life, and I run into Jimmy, who is my best man tonight. Jimmy is a great guy, and he said some pretty great stuff about me earlier during our ceremony that I don’t think I’d be able to top.” he says, then he chuckles a little, “Jimmy is a good pal of mine, but no offense, Jimmy, you had horrible taste when it came to setting me up on dates.”

“I won’t argue with that, man.” Jimmy says, lifting his drink.

“If I’m being honest, I wasn’t completely ready to date when Jimmy had set me up on a few dates. I figured that’s what my late wife would want me to do though. She wanted me to get out there and live my life again. So, I agreed to a few dates. Some were horrible, some actually weren’t so bad, and I ended up making a pretty good friend instead.” he says, and he smiles at Jen, then he looks over at you again, “But the moment I saw my beautiful wife, that was the moment I knew I was ready to date again. She was just living right across the street when I saw her for the first time. It was like this switch had been turned on in my body, and my sights were set on her. I had to know this woman.”

John takes a pause for a moment, and he puts his hand on his hip like he’s trying to figure out what to say next. He doesn’t even have a piece of paper that he’s reading from, so honestly, he’s doing great on his own. John takes a deep breath and that's when you realize he's not pausing because he can't think of what to say, he's pausing because he's getting choked up.

“I wanted to know her, but there was something about her that made me absolutely terrified.” he says, and you hear a few people laugh. “I tried to introduce myself to her twice, and both times I got too nervous and backed out. I’m a grown man, but this woman scared the absolute shit out of me.”

You roll your eyes playfully at John, “Oh, whatever!”

“I finally introduced myself to her, and right after I scolded myself for not doing it sooner. She was so sweet and soft spoken when I met her -- not that she isn’t now, but now she’s a little spit fire.” he says, and you shrug bashfully. “As a result of getting to know her, I got closer to my best man, Jimmy. It was also cool to see Jimmy and Y/N instantly hit it off. They’re great friends, and they love to tease Tess and I. They randomly burst out in song, which leaves Tess and I completely stunned. They’ve randomly choreographed dances, they go out to lunch every once in a while, and they’re just great friends.”

It’s true! You and Jimmy have become great friends over the past year, and you do burst out in song and make up dances sometimes when John and Tess aren’t around. You also love to tease John and Tess. Jimmy is a great guy, and even if he wasn’t married to Tess, you’d still love him because he’s just a fun guy to be around and he’s such a great friend to John.

“Jimmy, I want to thank you for making my ass get out of the house and introduce myself to her. I’m truly grateful for our friendship, and I’m grateful that you agreed to officiate our wedding today. We couldn’t have had anyone better for it.” he says, and everyone laughs when Jimmy gets up and hugs John.

Wiping away the tear on your cheek, you stand up and hug Jimmy tight when he walks over to sit back down at the table. He presses a kiss to your cheek, then he cups your face in his hands.

“Love you, sis.”

You press a kiss to his cheek and smile, “Love you, Jimmy.”

John takes a deep breath and exhales as he looks over at Tess, “And that brings me to you. Tess, you look beautiful tonight. That’s what you told me to say, right?”

“I think the word I used was radiant, but beautiful works too.” Tess laughs, and John chuckles as he shakes his head.

“I want to thank you for how much support you have given to Y/N. You’ve been an incredible friend and sister to her, and she’s learned a lot from you. I mean it. She has. I know she’s picked up some of her snark from you, so again, thank you.” he says sarcastically, then he gives Tess a wink, “You really are a great friend to me, too. It’s nice knowing that I can call you up, and you’re willing to help me out. Over this past year, you really have become my little sister.”

Tess puts her hand over her heart, then she blows a kiss to John as she laughs, “I love you, old man Wick.”

“Ah, yes, always grateful for those nicknames as well.” John laughs, turning his attention towards your mom. “Mom, I want to start off by thanking you for raising such an incredible woman. She is, by far, the most amazing person I’ve ever met. She’s kind, generous, understanding, loving, and so much more. She is a great reflection of you. She got all of her best traits from you. From the first time that I met you, you welcomed me into your family immediately. You told me to call you mom seconds after I met you. I had only been dating your daughter for a little less than three months when I asked for your permission to marry her, and you said yes.”

Your mom is in tears and nods her head, “Of course, Jonathan.”

“Dad, I’m so grateful that Y/N as a father like you. And knowing that you love her like she’s your own really does mean a lot to me. Thank you both for giving me permission to take on the role of protecting and loving your daughter. It’s one that I’ve been looking forward to for a long time.” John says, smiling at both your mom and Dan, “She is my top priority every single day, and I promise to love her endlessly.”

Your mom immediately gets up to hug John and the two of them exchange a few words, and you see them both wiping tears off their cheeks. Dan reaches out to shake John’s hand, then they hug quickly. John is definitely going to be focusing on you for the last bit of his speech, so you reach over and grab Jimmy’s beer and take a big sip.

“I’m next.” you say, and Tess laughs as she pulls out a few tissues, “Yeah, gonna need those.”

John looks like he wants to throw up and if he didn’t want to finish his speech, you’d totally understand. He’s been talking for nearly five minutes already, and you have no idea how he’s doing it, you would have fainted by now. Then again, John has had a few drinks today and you don't blame him one bit.

“You knew I had to save the best for last.” John says, and you immediately begin to tear up when he smiles. “First of all, you look…so beautiful today. I keep looking at you and every time, I’m just stopped in my tracks by how gorgeous you are. An absolute vision. Even without your hair all done and your makeup and your beautiful dress, you take my breath away. Just laying on the couch with your hair all up in a pile on top of your head, wearing one of my sweatshirts that probably has some sort of food stain on it, you still blow me away.”

You laugh as you playfully roll your eyes, “Thank you for that.”

“I get to spend the rest of my life with you. How lucky am I?” he smiles, and you gesture to him. “And every time I say that to you, you reply with…”

“I get to spend the rest of my life with you, so how lucky are we?”

“Earlier today when we exchanged our vows in private, you said to me that you have faith in our love. I have so much faith in our love as well, but part of me was nervous that you weren’t going to show up today. I was afraid that you had realized what you were getting yourself into, and you and Tess were almost out of the state.” he laughs, and everyone joins in. “I want to thank you for allowing me to get to know you and for allowing me to love you. This past year has flown by, and it’s easily been the best year I’ve ever had.”

Grabbing a tissue from Tess, you dab away the tears in your eyes as you watch John tearing up a little more. John begins to get a little choked up, and you move to the edge of your seat and prepare yourself to take over for him. He clears his throat a little, then he looks up and smiles at you.

“When I asked her what kind of wedding she wanted, I figured she’d want something pretty small. Because if I’ve learned one thing this past year, it’s that she hates to be the center of attention. We have that in common, so the fact that I’m standing up here and have been talking for the past ten minutes, I can see how stunned she is.”

“I am beyond stunned, but I’m so proud!” you smile, clasping your hands in front of your chest, “So proud, baby!”

John laughs, the he looks back out at everyone, “All of my life, I've craved this sense of normalcy that I could never find. I found it temporarily with my late wife, but then I lost it when I lost her. I thought there was no way I'd ever get it again. Until I saw this woman. But this time, it was different. This was something I had never felt before.”

“God, he is crushing this speech.” Tess says, and you smile proudly.

John turns to face you a little more, and it’s suddenly like everyone else has disappeared. It’s just you and John now.

“The more I get to know you, the more I fall in love with you. I still fall in love with you every single day.” he says, and you both smile at each other, “Just knowing that I have you in my life is so comforting. You know everything, and I mean, everything there is to know about me, and you’ve accepted me nonetheless. Baby, just think back to that first month, this time last year…”

You look at John as you think it through in your head and frown a little when you realize that the first month you met John, you were falling head over heels in love with him, but you didn’t know anything about him. He was hiding a huge part of his life from you. But here you are, a whole year later, and the two of you are married. Your bond is unbreakable, and it’s all because of the two of you. You made John feel comfortable enough to open his heart and let you in, and he shared his most private secret with you: he’s a fucking assassin.

“We’ve come a long way in such a short amount of time, haven’t we?”

You nod as you wipe away the tear on your cheek, “Yeah, we have.”

“I love you in ways that I never knew were possible, and I love you for so many reasons that I won’t even get into because I know everyone's dying for me to stop talking.” he says as you both start to laugh. “You are my absolute best friend. You’re my -- Tess, don’t cringe -- you’re my peach.”

You look over at Tess as you laugh, then you reach for her hand when you see she’s crying softly.

“You have taught me so much about life in just a short amount of time. You’ve changed my whole outlook on life, to be honest. No relationship is easy, you and I both know that. Ours certainly hasn’t always been, especially not that first month or two last year. But with you by my side, I know that we can get through anything life throws our way. Baby, you have my entire heart, and I love you more than you’ll ever understand. Thank you for giving me purpose.” John grabs his drink off the table and holds it up, “If you’d all raise a glass to my beautiful bride. To Y/N, thank you.”

Glasses cling and people cheer as you get up and walk over to John. You throw your arms around his neck as you press your lips to his, and he lifts you off the of ground, hugging you tight to his chest.

“I don’t think I have it in me to make a speech.” you laugh as he sets you back down.

John shakes his head, “You don’t have to. Today is your day.”

“It’s our day.” you say, taking the mic from John, “Okay, well, as you can see, he’s absolutely amazing. He’s pretty crazy about me, too. Sit down, Wick. It’s your turn.”

John quickly grabs his drink, then he sits down next to Tess, and he looks like a little kid who is about to listen to his mom tell him a fantastic story. It’s odd being up in front of everyone without John next to you, but when you look over and see the smile on his face, you know that you can get through this.

You can do this, you can do this without crying!

“A bride’s speech isn’t quite a traditional thing, but like I’ve said a few times today, we’re not very traditional.” you turn to Tess and hold her gaze, “Tess, we’ve had one hell of an adventure this past year and a half. You and I moved here, we got jobs at a bookshop, we met wonderful men, and you even had a baby! Who would have ever thought that this is how our lives would turn out? Certainly not us. It’s funny because on our long ass road trip here, Tess was trying to cheer me up a little. I was sad to be leaving mom behind, and I was scared for how much my life would change. I was scared that I was going to hate it here. But Tess, she kept saying that this could be the move that changed our lives. That we could really find ourselves and who knows, maybe we’d even meet some cute guys.”

Tess laughs, “I wasn’t wrong!”

“You weren’t. You weren’t wrong at all.” you smile, then you take a deep breath, “Thank you for standing by my side today and every day since we were…well, since we were born. Tess, you are my sister and I couldn’t prouder of you if I tried. Thank you for pestering me endlessly to go check the mail on this day one year ago. If I hadn’t, I never would have met John. Jimmy, thank you for not only being a great husband to my sister, but a great friend to John and I. I really do love you a lot, and I’m so glad that you were the one to officiate our wedding.”

You promised your mom that you wouldn’t do too big of a speech for her because she knew she’d cry way too hard, and there’s no way you’d get through it either without sobbing.

“My mom made me promise that I wouldn’t do a big speech for her because she knew we’d both cry. So, mom, I just want to thank you for being the best mom. Thank you for not shoving John out the front door when you first met him, and thank you for not freaking out when you found out some of the details of John’s life.”

You reach out and hug your mom, and she kisses your cheek a few times before you lean over and hug Dan, thanking him as well.

“I know you’re all dying for me to shut up, and trust me, I’m sick of my own voice, but I have to thank one last person.” you say, smiling when you look at John, “My husband! Jonathan, you are the absolute perfect person for me. You know just how to love me and just what to say to make me feel better when I’m having a shitty day -- which isn’t too often anymore.”

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

“I always thought that I was a rather hard person to love, well, more like I’d been made to believe that I was a hard person to love. That the things I wanted in a relationship were too much for people. But after being with you, I realized the things I wanted in a relationship are things that should just be given naturally. You have made loving me look so effortless, and seeing how you so effortlessly love me made me realize that I could love myself. I have never loved myself more than I do now that I’m with you. You have made me the best version of myself.”

You take a deep breath as you walk a little closer to John, and he reaches out for your hand and squeezes it in his.

“Now I know that’s not the best thing to say. You should already love yourself, and all of those things, but John made me realize that it was okay to love myself. It was okay to forgive myself for things in the past. The thing is, I was teaching John the same exact thing. We had no idea. I was so busy teaching John to love himself and forgive himself, and just allow himself to be happy that I didn’t even realize he was doing the same thing for me.”

You know you’re talking way too much, but maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe even the way John is looking at you that is stopping you for ending your speech. Not to mention the fact that it feels amazing to say these things to John in front of your entire family. You’d definitely say them to his face, but the fact that you’re so unafraid to voice your feelings in front of other people is really liberating.

“You are everything that I have looked for in a husband. You’re kind and generous, you’re funny as hell, you offer warmth and security. You protect me on days when I’m feeling a little fragile, and you stand back and let me shine when it’s my moment to do so. You love me completely, just as I love you. You’ve accepted me for me, for all my flaws -- yes, contrary to popular belief, I do have a few. And this is why our relationship works so well, you and I, we have completely given ourselves to one another and accepted each other for the things that other people might not have. Jonathan, I just really fucking love you.”

John cups your face in his hands and pulls you down to kiss him, “I just really fucking love you, too.”

You wipe away the tear on your cheek, then you stand back up, “John, from the moment I met you, I knew that you were going to be the man I loved forever. And I know a lot of people here probably think we’re just making this shit up, that we don’t really talk like this to each other, but Tess can confirm that we do.”

Tess laughs as she nods her head, “Oh, they do. Trust me, everyone. They’re always like this. Very sappy!”

“I know I keep saying that I’m going to stop talking, but I keep getting carried away by how much I love this man.” you say, looking out of everyone, “I truly love this man, and I could sit up here and talk about him endlessly, talk about how I feel about him, how he remembers the smallest, most intimate details of our relationship, how he always makes sure that my burgers never have pickles on them, which is a big deal! I could tell you all about how he bought a fucking bookshop for me, how he clings to me at night when we go to bed, how I know, without a doubt, that this man is head over heels in love with me. I could tell you every last detail of our relationship, everything we've been through, good and bad, but I still don’t think you’d all understand how much love I have for him.”

John reaches out for your hand again when you begin to tear up even more, and he tugs your fingers a little to get you to look at him. He gives the sweetest, most genuine smile, then he presses a kiss to the palm of your hand.

“Thank you for everything you did to make our day so special. A lot of you might not know this, but…” you look up at the pavilion and smile, “John built this whole thing with his two hands. Him and Jimmy spent a whole weekend building it.”

You see everyone look around at the pavilion, and they’re in awe that John was able to build something like this. He’s quite a mystery to all of them.

“Jonathan Charles Wick, thank you for loving me with no hesitation. Thank you for trusting me to know the most intimate details about your life. I love you even more with every passing day. I’m ready to dive head first into the next chapter of our lives, as long as you promise to hold my hand.” you say, smiling when John reaches out for your hand again, “I wish I had a cool way to end my speech like John did, but…here we are. Wick, I fucking love you.”

John gets up as fast as he can, and he pulls you into his arms as you both begin to cry again. Your makeup is probably running all down your face as a result, but in this moment, you just don’t care. You just want to be in John’s arms.

You exhale loudly as you lean back to look at him, “Was that okay? I have no idea what I just said. I think I blacked out.”

John laughs as he nods his head, “Me too. I had to take another shot to be able to get through my speech, but I needed to say all of those things to you and your family. You deserved to hear those things. You deserved a better speech than I gave you, but I was nervous.”

“It was a beautiful speech. People who don’t even know you were crying because they could see how much you love me.” you reach up and place your hand on John’s cheek, “It was an amazing speech, baby.”

“Alright, alright,” Jimmy says into the mic, then he turns to you and John still clinging to each other, “Time for the Wicks first dance.”

You look up at John and smile, “That’s us. The Wicks.”

John smiles at you as the music starts to play, and he nods his head when he realizes you picked the song that he liked the most for your first dance. He wraps your arms around his neck, then he places his hands on your waist to pull you closer.

Swaying back and forth with John, you lean back and look at him, “So weird.”

“You’re my wife.” John smiles, then he raises his eyebrow, “If you still want out of this, I won’t hold it against you.”

“Shut up.” you laugh, leaning up to kiss him, “We’re married. Can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re mine forever now.”

John nods his head, then he smiles, “I can’t believe that I get to wake up next to you every morning, go to bed with you every night, get to…you know.”

Laughing loudly, you shake your head and tighten your arms around John, “Yeah, I totally can’t wait to do that tonight! Been missin’ you all day. I mean, we’re together, but you know.”

“Trust me, I know!” John chuckles, leaning down to kiss your cheek, “You look like an absolute dream, baby. I can’t thank you enough for choosing me.”

Holding John’s gaze, you reach up and place your hand on his cheek as you smile softly, “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I don’t mind all the things in your past. They don’t matter to me, they never have. The only thing that matters to me is that you’re happy.”

“And I am,” John takes your hand and spins you around, then he pulls you back into his arms as you laugh, “Everyone is staring at us.”

“They’re watching.” you correct him, and John leans down to kiss you with a little more warmth. You cup John’s face in your hands as you kiss him, and everyone cheers when John holds tight to you and dips you, keeping his lips pressed to yours. You tilt your head back and laugh as John hugs you, then you pepper his face with kisses.

“Can you believe I get to spend the rest of my life loving on you?” John shakes his head and smiles, “How on earth did I get so lucky?”

You lean up to kiss John again, then you look over your shoulder as a few more people start to dance. Jimmy and Tess are holding each other and Finn in their arms, and you smile when you see Shiloh pulling Gia to her feet as the song changes to a much more upbeat tempo.

“I promise I’m going to give you the best life.” John whispers in your ear as you both continue to sway back and forth, and you melt against his chest, “Anything you want, I’ll happily provide.”

You smile as you tilt your head back and look at him, “Marrying you today, becoming your wife, I already have everything I want.”

The dance floor is full of people dancing, and Tess grabs your arm to pull you away from John as she dances, but you look over at John as Benji, Shiloh and a few of your younger cousins surround him. John kneels down a little to talk to the kids, and Benji shows John a dance move he wants him to try. John laughs as he shakes his head, then he gives it his best try as all of kids start to laugh.

“So cute.” you whisper to yourself, then you laugh as Harper runs over to John. You watch as John holds her in his arms, and he makes his way over to you. “Hi, sweetheart!”

Harper giggles as she buries her face in the crook of John’s neck, and he tickles her tummy and bounces on his knees a little. John takes Harper’s small hand in his and dances as you laugh, and you wipe away the tear on your cheek as you watch them.

John reaches out and rubs his thumb against your cheek, “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing, I’m just…so happy.” you laugh as you wrap your arms around John’s waist and smile at Harper. You look up at John and tear up, holding his gaze, “If this is a glimpse into my future, I can’t wait.”

__

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[ljxlj48]

You were meant to be mine! I am all that you need!

Meant to Be Series

Jaemin X Reader

Genre: toxic relationship

Warnings: mature themes, abusive relationship, toxic behavior

Word Count: 1.4K+

Author’s Note: hello lovelies, I’m back ;) however I’m not gonna be writing nearly as much as before, and I won’t be posting as much as before, but I am gonna be posting again. I want to stress with this series, that these not in any way examples of a healthy relationship. These stories are meant for entertainment purposes only, please don’t go searching for a partner like this. I also want to strongly encourage anyone, with a partner like this, to please seek help. Thank you. nevertheless, hugs and kisses to anyone reading &lt;3

——————————

It was a girls drink free night at this one bar. So you and your friends had agreed to go out and get drunk together, especially since it had been almost 6 months since the last girls night out. You had already told Jaemin of your adventure for tonight. You did your hair, your makeup was set, you wore this skin tight maroon dress, and you felt more confident than you had in a while. It was your night tonight.

You slipped on your heels, spraying some perfume before you exited the room, grabbing your purse. The clock already read 7:57pm, and you was supposed to meet your girls downstairs by 8.

“Where are you going?” Jaemin asked as he came around the corner, catching you before you made it out the door.

“Out with the girls,” you tilted your head a little with a small pout. You told Jaemin about this weeks ago.

“Out where?”

“To that bar on 8th street.”

“Which girls?”

“Jen, and Sammy,”

“You're going to talk shit about me,” Jaemin said with a little smirk, as if it was a joke. You knew better than that though.

“No, I would never,” you tried to convince him with a little pout.

“I’m kidding baby, go have fun,” Jaemin said, coming up next to you, giving you a little peck.

“You sure?” you had to check.

“Yeah, I’ll just be hanging out here looking for a new girlfriend.” Jaemin said walking away, already scrolling through his phone.

“Jaemin, that’s not funny,” you said, placing your bag down, allowing the front door to close, chasing after him. This is the moment where you really fucked up, you should’ve just left. You don’t know why you felt the need to leave on good terms, to ensure he was happy. You should’ve just left.

“No, why shouldn’t I, you're obviously going out to get someone else,” Jaemin reasoned as he dropped down onto the couch.

“That’s not true Jaemin.”

“Yeah, then why are you going out tonight?”

“I’m just going to hang out with Jen and Sammy, we’re having a girls night.”

“You just want an excuse to get wasted and whore yourself out.” Jaemin scoffed.

“That’s not true at all, take it back Jaemin,” you said. His words stung, they hit a nerve.

“It’s the truth,”

“Why are you being like this?” You questioned, not understanding where any of this was coming from.

“Because you’re always out there talking shit about me with your friends, you don’t even care about how I feel,” Jaemin argued back with you, standing from the couch.

“What makes you think I’m talking shit about you in the first place?” Your voice was getting louder unintensionally.

“How you’re friends act,” Jaemin’s voice got louder as well, trying to match yours.

“Oh yeah, how do my friends act?” In Jaemin’s defense, your tone in this moment was very sarcastic, and very disrespectful.

“All your snide comments when I’m around. The side eyeing from them, the whispers that happen whenever I enter the room,” you could see in Jaemin’s face he was frustrated.

“Oh please Jaemin, you need to get over yourself, my friends aren’t like that.”

“Just go already y/n, go find another man to use for whatever you need,” Jaemin said in a snide tone.

“I don’t understand why you’re being like this Jaemin, I was just going out with the girls,” you said, you should’ve just left when you had the chance to.

The rest of the evening was just spent with you and Jaemin arguing back and forth about your friends. When you glanced up at one of the clocks on the wall, it read 9:42pm. You were over an hour late.

Jen: y/n where are you

Sammy: y/n were waiting downstairs

Sammy: are you still coming?

Sammy: we’re still in the lobby waiting for you

Jen: it’s already quarter to nine, we’ll just meet you at the bar

Sammy: girl where are you, its 9:30 already

Sammy: is it Jaemin again?

Sammy: Idk why you’re still with him

You tried to type a response to Sammy and Jen, telling them you weren’t gonna make it.

“Who the hell are you texting now?” Jaemin snapped, seeing on your phone typing away. “Another boyfriend.”

“Jesus Christ Jaemin, I’m just texting the girls back, since I’m not gonna make it to girls night out,” you snapped at Jaemin.

“You’re lying, fucking lying,” Jaemin instigated further.

“What the fuck is your problem, it’s the fucking girls,” you said, throwing your phone at Jaemin for him to check.

Jaemin took your phone, looking over the message, “yeah but look at this shit Sammy is saying, so I was fucking right you were just going out to talk shit about me.”

“Fuck Jaemin, I can’t win with you, you always have to pick a fight about something,” you were exhausted with arguing already.

“What the fuck are you talking about win, you think this is some game that you can just win,” Jaemin said.

“Fuck this, I’m going, and I don’t give a fuck anymore,” you said, snatching your phone from Jaemin’s grip. You got your purse, slipped on your heels and walked out the door before Jaemin could get another word out.

-

You finally made it to the bar by 10:00, Sammy and Jen still there just casually sipping their drinks and talking. You apologized profusely to them for being so incredibly late. Both Jen and Sammy said it was fine, that they understood, when secretly they knew it was Jaemin’s fault. You ordered yourself a drink, and the three of you just talked stories. You didn’t say anything about Jaemin, or the argument you got into with him.

You knew Jen and Sammy didn’t care for Jaemin. You knew they were waiting for the moment when you ended it. But they didn’t see the Jaemin you saw. The Jaemin that planned fabulous dates, that is in any girl’s dream. The Jaemin that brought you the most wonderful gifts ever. The Jaemin that learned how to cook one of your most favorite dishes to surprise you one night. The Jaemin that drove across town, on his day off, when your car broke down on the side of the road. Or the Jaemin that held you in his arms, when you were so sick, you wanted to die. Jaemin was just like any guy, there was his good moments and bad moments. Tonight was just a bad moment.

Time passed, 11:30 rolled around, you were only on your second drink when someone walked towards you. It was Jaemin, dressed plainly in a hoodie and jeans. “Let me take you home,” he spoke slow and smooth. You smiled at him, happy to see him, because regardless of the argument earlier, he still made your heart warm.

“My car though,” you spoke slowly, making sure you didn’t slur your words.

“We’ll pick it up in the morning, you shouldn’t drink intoxicated like this,” Jaemin started to grab your belongings to carry for you.

“Okay,” you nodded your head, not wanting to argue.

“Do you girls have a ride home?” Jaemin asked your friends now.

“Yes we do, thank you Jaemin,” Jen spoke, not trusting Sammy to remain civil.

“Of course, thank you for taking care of y/n, she really appreciates you guys.” Jaemin said, before walking you out towards his car.

-

The drive back home was quiet, Jaemin took the longer route but less turns, for which you were grateful. “Baby,” Jaemin broke the silence first, “I’m sorry about earlier tonight, I shouldn’t have accused you of that shit.” Jaemin placed his hand on your thigh, rubbing it gently.

“I don’t like when you make those jokes Jaemin, or when you accuse me of stuff I didn’t do. I don’t deserve that,” you spoke honestly, the liquor having you loose with your mouth.

“I know baby, and you’re right.”

“I would never cheat on you Jaemin, I love you,” you looked at him with a little pout.

“I know baby,” Jaemin smiled at you, “I just want you to understand that, I’m all you need, nobody else is as important.”

“I know that,” you sighed, leaning further into Jaemin, as he pulled up to your guys place.

“Let’s go upstairs baby,” Jaemin said, pulling on you.

“Yes sir,” you smiled drunkenly.

[pepethehobbit]

I wrote a van der stoffels AU for the Skam Holiday Event and because I am a giant mess I couldn’t stay with one theme and kind of jumbled a lot of them together? This story is basically for Day 1: Decorations, Day 3: Winter and Day 5: Parties

And because holidays are stressful even with Corona I didn’t manage to finish it on time, but it’s the 26th so it’s technically still Christmas, so I hope it’s okay that I post it now. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little snippet of Jens and Lucas being dumb and in love.

„I’m sorry you want me to do what?“

„Pretend? Please, Luc. I know it’s such a weird thing to ask of you but I can’t stand their constant questioning and interrogation any more of when I will finally bring a nice girl or boy home, especially not around Christmas. My family is weirdly obsessed with my relationship status and that it’s currently single. I just want them off my back.”

Lucas hears what Jens is saying. And it’s nothing new either. Jens’ family really is oddly nosy about his relationship status even more so since he came out, as if the fact that he is bi would enhance his chances somehow. Lucas knows this frustration because Jens has talked to him about it a few times especially around holidays or Jens’ birthday, where his family is extra persistent about Jens finding someone.

Jens hasn’t done anything about it, he stays silent and then complains about it to Lucas later. Until now, Lucas guesses. Because Jens just asked him to come to his parents house for a Christmas family gathering with coffee and cake and a later dinner. But that is not the thing that took him by surprise. Lucas has spend a few Christmases at the Stoffels household, especially when his own family couldn’t be there for him or just straight up left one year like his father had. They basically spend every Christmas together in some capacity since Lucas moved to Antwerp when he was eleven and both of them becoming inseparable.

Jens has been Lucas’ best friend for eight years now and at first he thought Jens was kidding, but he recognizes a serious expression on his face when he sees one. He has years of experience to back it up. So that is the thing that surprises him. Jens is seriously asking him if he can come home with him for Christmas to pretend that he is Jens’ boyfriend. Lucas must have been too quiet for too long because Jens begins to backtrack. He shakes his head and then lowers it. His voice is filled with an unusual insecurity.

“Forget it, Luc. It was a dumb question to ask of me. They probably wouldn’t believe it anyway.”

“I’ll do it.”

It slips out before Lucas could consciously think about it.  He wasn’t really planning on saying yes to this, because there was a voice in his head that immediately screamed: “No! Bad Idea!” But with the way Jens head snaps back up to him with a huge smile of relief he can’t bring himself to take it back.

The problem is, Lucas wants to be like that with Jens for real. It took him a while to figure it out after Jens broke up with Jana but he is definitely in love with his best friend and has been for two years. Pretending to be with Jens so his family gets off his back would be pure torture for Lucas. He knows exactly what his best friend is like when he is in a relationship. Jens doesn’t shy away from open affection, says the cheesiest shit that he makes out to be a joke (but Lucas knows he means every single one of them) and is just in general the most attentive and supportive boyfriend anyone could ask for. Maybe Lucas is a bit biased on this topic but he is pretty sure that being on the receiving end of these things from Jens would not help him at all to get over his best friend like he should. Especially with the knowledge that it’s all fake from Jens’ side. He would get a glimpse of what it would be like and then Jens would snatch it all away and thank him for being such a good friend. Lucas is not sure if his heart would survive that.

“Really? Luc, oh my god, thank you! You really don’t know how annoying they are. I don’t know what’s gotten into them lately but they are worse than ever.” Jens seems so relieved and Lucas’s heart breaks a little more. He just needs to be medical about this, needs to set up some rules that he and Jens can stick to so Jens doesn’t do anything that Lucas wouldn’t recover from. Like kissing him.

“Have you thought about how we would sell it? Because your family knows me pretty well, knows we’ve been friends for years. What’s the story?”

Jens ducks his head for a second and then raises it with a sheepish smile. “Well, I didn’t really expect you to say yes to this, so I didn’t do a lot of planing ahead. Maybe we can do that together?”

After an hour or so they had it all planed out and rules to stick to. When Lucas mentioned rules, Jens got a bit confused (Rules? What kind of rules?) and Lucas had to fight down the urge to roll his eyes. “Well, don’t you think that your family will find it weird when we won’t touch all evening? We need some rules of what is allowed and what isn’t.”

Lucas felt so awkward in that moment. Not only talking to your best friend about what is and isn't off limits but at the same time trying to stop thinking about how much he wants Jens to do all of things for him for real. After agreeing that holding hands and a little bit of cuddling is definitely okay, Jens suddenly got very shy again and asked with a small voice: “What about kissing?”

Lucas’ very fast and firm “No!” seemed to shock Jens a little bit and a look of disappointment flashed across his face which made Lucas momentarily mad at Jens. He has no right to be upset about this, he can’t be expecting Lucas to kiss him for the sake of making it believable. Lucas’ could not go back from that. Kissing Jens, knowing what it would feel like, what he could have if Jens only returned his feelings, no that’s too much for Lucas. “No, you’re right. Sorry. I wouldn’t want to make you more uncomfortable about this evening than it will probably already be.” Lucas doesn’t point out that kissing Jens would be the exact opposite of uncomfortable for him and just lets him think that that’s why he draws the line at kissing. “It will be like any other Christmas I have spend with your family, Jens. The only difference is that we will have to pretend to be madly in love, stick to our story and hold hands the entire time, what could go wrong?” Jens chuckles at Lucas’ obviously fake positive outlook for the evening and said: “Famous last words, Lucas.”

And that is how he currently finds himself on the steps of Jens’ old family home with Jens hesitantly taking his hand in his and asking: “Ready?” Jens slowly raises his other hand to ring the bell but Lucas interrupts him: “Wait. Let’s go over it again.” Jens lets his hand fall again and with the other one he gives Lucas an encouraging squeeze. “Luc, we’ve been over this a million times. They won’t notice a thing. We got this, okay?” Lucas doesn’t have the chance to respond because then the door is being opened and Jens’ mum gives them an enthusiastic welcome. She doesn't notice their joined hands and simply hugs them both. It gives Lucas an instant kind of comfort. Mama Stoffels has always been there for him. When he couldn’t be around his own family she opened up her home to Lucas as often and as long as he needed.

“You must be freezing. Come in, come in. The others are already here. You’re the last to arrive.”

They get in and the familiarity of the surroundings help Lucas to calm down even more. He knows these people, he knows the place and he knows Jens. The only thing he has to do is to pretend to be in love with Jens for one day. It wouldn’t even be pretending for Lucas. The only thing he has to do is to let down his carefully constructed wall that keeps Jens from knowing Lucas’ true feelings for him. Lucas only hopes that he can rebuild the wall once this day is over.

Mama Stoffels already left for the living room while Lucas and Jens shove off their jackets, scarfs and beanies, expecting them to follow her to the room where the rest of Jens’ family already waits for them. Lucas looks nervously up at Jens and then at the door which is currently still hiding them from the storm of questions they are about to receive when they walk through that door.

Jens takes his hand again, which is part of the plan and asks: “Ready? We can still not do this. It’s your choice.”

“No, I’m ready. Let’s do this. You owe me big time for this, though.”

Jens grins at him easily and says: “I know, thank you, Luc. And believe me, the next four vettige vrijdag are on me.”

“Alright, I can live with that.”

Jens squeezes his hand once more and opens the door.

Lucas knows more or less everyone in this room. Jens’ parents of course, his little sister Lotte and his older sister Lies he knows best but he has met both of Jens’ aunts, uncles and grandparents several times as well. There are a few faces he doesn’t know, mostly younger kids who don’t pay attention to them anyway (Jens said a few of his younger cousins would be there as well). The first one to see them enter is Lies and Lucas has to hold in his laugh at the way her face goes through confusion, to understanding and lastly arrives at pure and utter joy.

“Oh my god, finally!” Lies all but screams and that works to get everybody else’s attention as well. Lucas feels the eyes of nearly everybody in the room on them and sees how they their gazes swipe down to their tangled hands and up again. He looks nervously over to Jens because that’s most definitely his job right now.

Jens clears his throat and says: “You know how you always annoy the crap out of me to find someone nice to date? Yeah, well. I did.” With that he gives Lucas’ hand a squeeze and raised their joined hands so everybody can see them properly.

The silence that follows is grating on Lucas’ nerves but then everybody kind of erupts in enthusiastic screams and shouts over each other. Lucas’ doesn’t understand everything but he thinks the overall consensus about the revelation is that everybody is thrilled for them and the world “finally” is heard a little too often for Lucas’ comfort.

Lies is the one to bring them all to silence. “Guys, stop! I know we are all thrilled that they finally got their head out of their asses but let them say hello first.” Lucas doesn’t want to think about the implications of Lies’ statement and is glad that he gets distracted by her pulling them both towards the table, giving them both a firm hug and setting them down at two empty seats.

As everybody is kind of settled again, the silence returns and Lucas’ should have known that the gleam in Lies’ eyes would mean that this is far from over for both of them.

“And now the interrogation can begin. So, shoot. How did this happen?”

All the curious eyes are on them again and Lucas looks over to Jens to find him already staring. He hopes his eyes convey his silent support because this first portion of the plan is definitely all Jens. All Lucas has to do is sit here and look convincingly in love with Jens, which again is not really a hardship for him anyway.

“Well you all know that we’ve been friends for a long time now and a few months ago I started to realize that my feelings for him changed.” Jens takes Lucas’ hand again and places it in his lap, it’s an obvious enough gesture to support the story. Lucas notices how the mischievous gleam in Lies’ eyes is replaced with a much softer, fonder one. “Then I drunkenly kissed him at a party one night and lucky for me Lucas kind of stopped me and said ‘Kiss me again in the morning, when you’re not drunk.’ And that’s what I did and now we’re here.”

Lucas couldn’t help the blush that spread on his face, even though the story is completely fake, the thought of Jens kissing him just does that to him. It seemed to help their case though, as Papa Stoffels points out: “Look at you blush, Lucas. I always knew Jens would eventually fall victim to your charm.”

At this Jens lets out an incredulous “Dad!” but Lucas can’t help but laugh. Jens fixes him with an over exaggerated indignant gaze and Lucas just needs to tease him. “So my charms are what finally got to you, huh? Tell me, what exactly about my charms was it? The handsome looks? The devastatingly funny sense of humor? The -”

Before he can continue Jens hides his head in the crook of Lucas’ neck and mumbles loud enough for the others to hear as well: “Shut up oh my god, you’re so annoying.” While he speaks he feels Jens’ lips lightly move against his neck and Lucas suddenly has a hard time coming up with a response. Thankfully, he is saved by Mama Stoffels.

“Well, Jens. You didn’t deny any of those things, either.” Her tone is cheeky and it’s not the first time Lucas’ notices the similarities in their natures between Jens and his Mum.

Jens lifts his head to stare accusingly at the rest of his family and says: “You are all annoying. Can we eat our cake now, please?”

Lies’ fixes them both with a stare. “You can. But don’t think this is over. The interrogation has only just begun. I want to know everything.” Her words sound harsh but she says them in such a fond tone Lucas can see them for what they are. She seems so genuinely happy and not that surprised at the news that he and Jens are dating that Lucas wonders if she has always kind of known how he really feels about her brother. But he can’t worry about that now as they get drawn into the conversation around them. He can feel himself relax in the presence of these people who he would consider his second family. At one point Jens puts his arm around Lucas’ shoulder to pull him into his chest while talking to his grandparents. A gesture they don’t usually share and should feel unnatural but it being the exact opposite. Lucas forgets that this is only pretending and decided to soak up as much of Jens’ freely offered affection as possible. Because if he is only allowed to have them for one night he is going to make the most of it.

He fully snuggles up to Jens, links their fingers together and begins tracing the moles on Jens’ arm with the other. Something he always wanted to do. When the conversation gets dragged back to them and about how they got together, Lucas gets brave and offers a sign of affection of his own. Jens is in the middle of explaining how he confessed his feelings for his best friend when Lucas raises his hand to strike a hand through Jens’ raven black hair. Jens’ falters for a second, then looks at Lucas with big eyes and a small smile on his face that has Lucas’ insides churning. It’s not a look that he would usually receive from Jens and it’s doing things to Lucas, like forgetting that this is all pretend.

“You two are going to be that couple I can already tell. You are both so smitten.” It’s Lies’ voice once again that interrupts their weird moment of eye contact. Lucas tries to find his voice again because Jens is just ducking his head, trying to hide a blush that Lucas can see rising up his neck anyway. He tries to steer the conversation away from them to get them to safer grounds.

“Don’t pretend that you and Josh wouldn’t be the same if he was here. You are ten times worse than us.”

“He is right you know.”

“Mama!” Lies’ indignant tone raises a laugh from all of them and the conversation moves on around them. Jens is still not looking at Lucas and he has pulled his hand back to himself. Lucas nudges him with his elbow but Jens doesn’t look up.

“Hey, you alright?,” Lucas asks quietly so that the others don’t hear.

Jens takes a deep breath and finally looks up at Lucas with an expression that’s much more closed and sadly one that Lucas is much more used to, nothing compared to how he had looked at Lucas just moments prior.

“Yeah, I’m okay. All good.” Lucas is not convinced but he can’t exactly nudge Jens for more when they are surrounded by his family within hearing distance. “I’ll go see if Dad needs help in the kitchen, be right back.” With that he stands up and leaves Lucas confused and alone with his family. Something happened there and Lucas isn’t sure what. Jens is just pretending. Why is he suddenly fleeing when it seems to be working? Isn’t this exactly what Jens had wanted?

Lucas doesn’t have a chance to think about this further as Lotte, now twelve years old, calls for him to come to the door which leads to the kitchen. “What’s up Lotte?” he asks once he has reached her but she is suddenly turning around, calling for Jens in the kitchen without answering his question. Lucas is confused but then Jens stands in the doorway with him and asks Lotte the same question who gazes at them both with a bright smile on her face.

“Look up.” Jens and Lucas share a confused look but do as they’re told and realization begins to sink in. Mistletoe. Lucas lowers his gaze again and locks eyes with Jens straight away. The one rule he is still unsure about wanting to break and Jens seems equally hesitant.

“People are supposed to kiss under a Mistletoe, right? So kiss.” Lotte says it as if this would be the easiest thing in the world and from the corner of his eye he can see that they gathered quite the attention even though the rest of Jens’ family tries to be subtle about it.

He takes a step towards Jens, never leaving his eyes. Jens returns his gaze with an equal amount of vulnerability and questions. Lucas takes his hand in his and decides to just go for it. Screw the consequences. This evening is an exception to everything and suddenly he really wants to know what it feels like to have Jens’ lips on him, at least once. As quietly as possible he whispers: “It’s okay.” He can see Jens starting to argue, he obviously remembers how adamant Lucas was about no kissing. But now Lucas doesn’t care. “It’s okay,” he whispers again and he can see the protest fleeing out of Jens’ eyes.

It’s Jens that closes the final distance between them. He sees how Jens’ eyes flutter shut before his own follow. Their noses touch, sending a shiver down Lucas’ spine in anticipation. When Jens angles his head and finally connects their mouths Lucas can only hold his breath. He thought Jens would go for a simple peck but once their lips are connected both of them can’t seem to let go of each other.  Jens’ lips are warm and gentle and when he parts them against his own he tastes of the gingerbread cake they ate before. He feels Jens stepping even further into his space and beginning to move his lips against him with a slight tremble and Lucas melts into his chest.

A loud whistle is what separates them and they both all but spring apart from each other looking for the source of the noise. It was Lies, of course. Who else could it have been. Lucas chances a quick look at Jens but he is not paying him any attention, as if this kiss was completely ordinary and did not just completely turned Lucas world upside down. Which reminds him once again, this is pretend. Of course Jens is acting like this, because he doesn’t feel what Lucas feels and because he can’t act like this was their first kiss when they are supposed to have kissed for over a month now.

“Oh Lies, shut up. You’re just jealous because Josh isn’t here.” Lies looks like she is ready to throw back another teasing remark when Jens’s father steps out of the kitchen. “Jens, language!” His son ducks his head, ruffles Lotte’s hair, who still stands next to them and says “Sorry.”

“Well, if the show is over now, you can all come into the kitchen. The buffet is open now. I hope you’re all hungry.”

The general commotion that follows gives Lucas some time to collect himself. He tries to catch Jens’ eyes again but he seems very determined to ignore Lucas right now. Jens follows the others into the kitchen to get in line for the food and doesn’t say anything about what just happened. Lucas suddenly doesn’t feel that hungry anymore and flees to the bathroom.

He steps in front of the sink and looks up in the mirror. His eyes automatically zero in on his lips as if searching for proof that the kiss really happened. His fingers gently trace his own lips where Jens’ have been just a minute before, disbelieving. Lucas got what he wanted and it was simultaneously the best and worst kiss he has ever experienced. Kissing Jens has felt like coming home and just so utterly and purely right but it comes with the knowledge that is wasn’t the same for Jens.  He was so nonchalant after, like he wasn’t affected at all whereas Lucas is now freaking out in a bathroom. How is he supposed to survive dinner and a few more hours with this play they put up for Jens’ family. All he wants is to go home and be alone so he can try and forget the kiss that cemented his feelings for his best friend. Before, there may have been a chance of getting over his crush but with the knowledge of how it feels to be kissed by Jens that chance is completely gone. He should have never agreed to this. But he has and Jens is still his friend. Lucas turns on the tap and splashes some water in his face and tries to collect himself. Only three more hours or so and then he can go home. One last deep breath and he opens the door to join the others again.

When he sets foot in the living room/dining room his eyes immediately find Jens and he looks at him as if asking him if he is okay. Lucas tries his most convincing smile and nods once, then turns around and makes his way to the kitchen to get some food. He sits down next to Jens and conversation with his family starts to flow easily again.

Dinner is not as bad as Lucas thought it would be. But he notices that Jens is more distant. Before he pulled Lucas into his personal space as much as he could and now he doesn’t even try to hold his hand. He is worried and relieved at the same time. Worried that he made Jens so uncomfortable with the kiss that he doesn’t even want to hold his hand anymore and relieved because Lucas is sure that he couldn’t have handled more fake affection from Jens. He softly nudges Jens with his elbow to get his attention. Jens turns around and looks at Lucas questioningly. “What is it?”

Lucas slowly leans forward and as quietly as possible he asks: “Are we okay?” Before Jens scolds his expression into a reassuring one Lucas saw the flash of sadness in his face. Anyone else would look over it but Lucas saw and it makes his stomach drop with anxiety.

“We’re okay.” But Lucas doesn’t relax with these words, not in the slightest. He knows that there is something going on in Jens that he wants to hide from Lucas and it's probably his fault and the fact that he was kind of forced to kiss Lucas when he probably really didn’t want to.

After desert Jens’ family slowly makes their way home member by member. Jens and Lucas stay a little bit longer after everyone already left. They are on the floor in front of the fake fireplace and play a round of The settlers of Catan with Jens loosing terribly and Lucas teasing him mercilessly for it, his parents and Lies joining him. Lotte is a sweetheart as always and tries her best to trade with Jens anything that he needs. Lucas is still very unnerved about this whole evening and what happened between Jens and him but this is familiar. It warms his heart to see how easy he fits in here and how natural it seems for Jens’ family to not only accept his presence but welcome him with open hearts to family evenings like this. It works to calm his nerves a little bit, especially because Jens seems to be more like himself as well. He leans more into Lucas and falls into their natural teasing so effortlessly as if he forgot the weird mood that surrounded them after the kiss.

In the end, Lies wins and she demands that everyone bows down to the queen of settlers. They jokingly indulge her but she looses their attention when Lotte runs to the window and excitedly jumps up and down and screams: “It’s snowing, it’s snowing. Look!!”

They all get up to look at the white powder falling from the sky, which has already covered the whole street in a thick layer of snow.

“Can we go outside and make snow angles?” Lotte asks in a voice so giddy that only an overly excited 12-year-old can manage.

“Lotte, it’s way too cold and it’s way past your bedtime already. The snow will probably still be there in the morning and then we can all go outside and have a little walk through the snow together okay?”

Lotte seems to accept that quite begrudgingly and mumbles something about boring party poopers under her breath which has Jens and Lucas eyes meet with shared amusement. His mom and dad usher Lotte upstairs and Lucas takes the opportunity to announce that they should be going as well.

“Lucas, you two can’t go now. It’s a twenty minute walk and it’s snowing very heavyly. Why don’t you two just stay in Jens’ old room? I’ll drive you both home tomorrow after breakfast.”

Lucas wants to argue, especially as he feels Jens stiffen next to him, bringing back the uncomfortable mood between them. He opens his mouth to say something but Lies interrupts him.

“Stop that. You’re not intruding, not at all. You are always welcome here you know that. Even more so then your boyfriend.” She says the last part with a wink towards her little brother who just fondly roles his eyes and shakes his head at his sister’s words. Lucas can hardly argue that but he still looks to Jens for confirmation that this is okay, especially after Jens seemed very uncomfortable with the idea of them staying the night. But then he pulls Lucas more into his side as he sees Lotte’s questioning gaze on them and says: “Sure, let’s stay for the night. More time to cuddle with you.”

Only now Lucas realizes that he has to share a bed with Jens for the night and he instantly regrets it again. Why. Why can’t he just say no for once in his life. It’s so weird between them right now. Even though Jens has him in his arms, he feels more than a thousand miles away from him.

They inform Jens’ parents and soon after say their goodnights to them and make their way upstairs to Jens’ old room. Lucas had tons of sleepovers here and they shared a bed many times before but this is different. He knows that he won’t get an ounce of sleep with Jens so close next to him. Jens informs him that there is a spare toothbrush in the bathroom and gives him some of his clothes to sleep in that he still keeps in his parents place. Even though Jens seems all chill Lucas sees through his act. The air between them is awkward and stilted and Lucas has no idea on how to fix this. Talking about it would probably help but Lucas isn’t ready to loose Jens yet, which will probably happen anyway with the way Jens acts kind of cold towards him.

They take turns in the bathroom down the hall and when Jens is gone Lucas settles in on the left side of the bed towards the windows. Jens comes back, turns off the light and Lucas feels the bed dip under his weight as Jens settles in next to him. The bed is big enough for both of them but their shoulders are still only a few inches apart and Lucas is very aware of the fact that his hand is very close to Jens’ own in the middle of the bed. A very uncomfortable silence stretches unbearably between them, not even a quiet goodnight, and it’s enough for Lucas to finally speak.

“I’m sorry for kissing you, Jens. It was obviously too much and I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable. I know I said no kissing but everyone was looking at us and because you asked about it in the first place, when we sat up those rules, I thought you would be okay with it. But clearly it made you super uncomfortable because you have been weird for the rest of the evening and I’m sorry.”

Lucas is met with silence again and the fact that he can’t see Jens’ face in the dark makes him even more anxious. Then Jens speaks.

“Why did you decide to kiss me when you seemed so appalled to it earlier? You were the one that was clearly uncomfortable just at the thought of kissing me, so you could’ve easily said no or made a joke about it. You didn’t have to kiss me like you meant it when you clearly didn’t want to. So, why did you?”

Lucas is taken aback by the hurt in Jens’ voice and hates himself for being the reason for it. It makes him want to be honest, maybe Jens will be even more mad at him for basically using him but at least he won’t hurt him anymore by lying to him.

“I wasn’t appalled to the idea of kissing you. That is the whole problem, actually. I said no to kissing at first because I knew there would be no going back from that for me. But in that moment today I just went with the excuse because I knew it would be the only opportunity for me to ever know what it would be like to kiss you. And I’m sorry for that. I knew this was a bad idea from the start because I knew that my feelings would ruin this and I-”

A sudden light makes Lucas stop in his apology and confession in one. After adjusting to the sudden brightness he sees how Jens sat up in the bed and turned on the light in the bedside table. Lucas sits up as well and waits for Jens to say something. But he just looks at him with wide eyes full of doubt but also… hope?

Lucas sees how Jens’ hand slowly reaches for his own and sucks in a breath when Jens intertwines their fingers together. “What are you doing?”, Lucas asks with a shaky exhale of breath and looks up from their joined hands to Jens’ eyes. Something seems to be decided in Jens’ brain because the doubtful expression vanishes and is replaced with a softer look full of affection and determination.

“Luc, okay first of all. I wasn’t uncomfortable when we kissed, not in the slightest. Quite the opposite really. If anything it made me come out of my denial and proofed what I suspected for a while now.”

“Which is?” Lucas asks when Jens doesn’t continue. Hope begins to settle in his chest and an excited warm and fuzzy feeling spreads when Jens raises their joined hands to his lips and kisses Lucas’ hand.

“That I am in love with you.”

Lucas can’t do much but stare at Jens completely speechless as an overwhelming feeling of happiness washes over him. He feels how is lips stretch into a smile that he can’t help and then he grabs Jens by the front of his shirt, pulls him towards himself and kisses him again. Jens’ surprised yelp is smothered by their lips softly moving together and Lucas feels how Jens melts into him after the initial surprise. He lets his hand slide from the collar of the shirt to Jens’ neck and begins to play with the short strands of hair. Jens lets out a little satisfied sound and opens his lips for Lucas, inviting him in.

Lucas feels like he is floating when they eventually break apart. His eyes stay closed for a few seconds to bask in this feeling only a little while longer. He opens his eyes and is met with Jens’ most beautiful smile and begins to realize that he is the reason for that. Lucas can’t help himself and steals another short kiss from Jens before he says: “I love you, too. In case that wasn’t obvious.”

Jens laughs and shakes his head in disbelief. “God, Luc. Today was pure torture. The whole time I was asking myself ‘How can he be so good at pretending?’ And then that kiss and I… God, I was having a silent freak out after that kiss but I couldn’t show it and you were looking at me like that and I couldn’t handle that it was all pretend, that’s why I was so weird after. I finally came out of my denial for my feelings and it was because of a fake kiss with you.”

“I can’t believe I bought your chill act. I totally believed you weren’t affected by that kiss at all and it made me freak out and flee to the bathroom because I couldn’t handle the fact that I just kissed you.”

“We are so dumb.” Jens says with laughter and Lucas can’t help but agree. During this whole conversation he has been smiling so much his cheeks hurt. Jens is making him so unbelievably happy, he can’t believe he got so lucky.

“So, I guess the plan is off?”

Jens looks at him confused but the smile never leaves his face. Lucas isn’t much better off. “What do you mean?”

“You know, the plan where we would’ve told your family that we broke up in three weeks because we are better off as friends?”

At that Jens face light up with remembrance and he gets a teasing glint in his eyes. “Oh that plan. Yeah, I mean, I guess you can carry the title of my boyfriend a while longer if you want to,” he says with over exaggerated nonchalance.

“You guess?” Lucas indulges him in his teasing, tries to act offended but he can’t keep the smile off his face or the happiness out of his voice.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t bother me, you know. As long as you keep doing the things a boyfriend does,” Jens says with wiggling eyebrows and a teasing smirk. Lucas can’t help but lean in and wipe that smile of his face with his own lips. “Oh, I see. And what does that entail, exactly?” he asks when he leans back.

Jens closes the distance again and whispers against his lips: “More of that.”

They fall asleep embraced in each other and Lucas couldn't remember a time where he slept better than in Jens' arms. He woke up before Jens and lets himself admire the beauty that his a sleeping Jens. It's as if his fingers have a will of their own when they begin to trace Jens' face, from his forehead down to his eyebrows, then his nose and lastly his lips. They begin to twitch into a small smile but his eyes stay closed. Jens lets out a content hum. "I could get used to waking up like this."

"How long have you been awake?"

"Oh long enough to know that you've been staring at me," Jens says teasingly but he sounds way too happy for Lucas to really question if Jens is bothered by it.  

Jens finally opens his eyes and reaches for Lucas' hand which has fallen down between their faces after Lucas was done with caressing Jens' face. He intertwines their fingers together and snuggles up even closer to Lucas.

"So, last night wasn't a dream then?" Lucas can't help but chuckle at the clichee words but he also kind of melts at Jens' sleepy and hopeful voice.

"Would it have been a good dream?"

Jens looks up into Lucas' blue eyes and with an expression full of affection and love he says: "The best."

Lucas agrees. He could get used to waking up like this as well.

[desperationandgin]

The Dreams We're Holding (Market Price)

Rating: G

Also Read On: AO3

Read all of Market Price in Order

Suggested Listening

Summary: Jamie gives Claire a present for the baby, a conversation ensues.

A/N: Thank you so much to my beta crew. The true MVPs. And MANY thanks to Danielle for the nugget of an idea that blossomed into what you’re about to read! Now with a moodboard by the incredible @veryfaintveryhuman​. Thank you SO MUCH!!!

“Now can you feel anything?”

For days, Claire has been able to catch flutters of life in her womb, and when she thinks it might be strong enough for Jamie to feel - and if he’s in the same room - there are mad grabs for his hands, trying to guide him toward the movement. It never happens in time, though, and she’s starting to feel a little guilty each time his eyes light up.

There’s hope now, with his hand resting flat on the spot where she planted him, but as soon as he grins, it fades. “I cannae be sure...I thought, mebbe…” If there was a kick, it was too fleeting, and he doesn’t feel anything else.

“I’m sorry, Jamie,” she sighs, reaching out to let her thumb lightly graze the dashed scar on his cheek. “Maybe I should stop saying anything.”

“No, I dinna want to miss it,” Jamie counters stubbornly, though he does lean down to speak against her delicately-rounded belly. “Ye could make yerself known to me any day, a leannan,” he murmurs, then looks up at Claire, eyeing her also-round (and larger) breasts. “I suppose I can just appreciate the visible evidence for now.”

“Don’t be filthy in front of the baby,” she admonishes, lightly smacking his shoulder.

“Sassenach, if the baby can hear us, then I dinna want to think about what filthy things it’s heard already.”

Their peals of laughter drown out the television, but he reaches for the remote and turns it off anyway before standing.

“Speakin’ of the bairn, I have somethin’ for ye. For both of ye,” he amends as he hesitates for a moment, then simply disappears down the hall to their bedroom.

Curious, Claire shifts so that she’s sitting upright on the couch, quietly pleading with the already-stubborn life inside of her to throw Jamie a bone. When he reappears, he’s carrying a small, darkly-stained wooden box with a fleur-de-lis pattern carved into the top.

“Jamie, that’s beautiful.” As soon as she says it, her forehead creases in confusion. “Have I seen it before?”

He smiles and sits beside her, holding out his gift. “Aye. It sat in the study at Lallybroch, tucked away on a shelf. ‘T’was only waiting on me to fetch it.”

“Why now?” she asks, taking it from him and running her fingers along the smooth wood.

“Ye’ll see,” he encourages, eyes on her face as she lifts the lid.

Inside is the christening gown his grandfather wore, then his own father, then Willie, Jenny, and finally Jamie himself. He watches as Claire picks up the soft white garment, heart giving a tight pull at how reverently she handles it before he’s even told her the importance of the gown. She simply knows, and he explains quietly, eyes never leaving her face.

Pressing her lips together, she tries to find her words and battle the urge to cry at the same time. She’s touched and means to say so, but instead, her voice cracks when she speaks.

“I don’t have anything like this to give to our baby.”

Frowning in confusion and concern, Jamie moves the box so that it’s out of the way and he can take her hands. “What do ye mean? Ye’re giving our bairn life, that’s no’ small thing, mo chridhe.”

“I only mean...I don’t have family heirlooms, or stories to pass on,” she manages to say even as her voice wavers. “No one from my family left anything behind.”

His heart feels as though it might break into pieces at her words, and he gathers her up right there on the couch, pulling her to his chest and pressing a kiss to her temple.

“We’re building our family, a nighean. This gown is ours now. Our bairn’s. And one day, one of the children will have this for their own. Ye’ll give it to them,” he decides, pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder. “And ye’ll give our eldest daughter the pearls ye wore on our wedding day.” Jamie’s lips press to the side of her neck now, a comforting gesture to infuse peacefulness back into his wife. “Ye have all the love in yer heart to give. That’s no small thing, Claire,” he finishes softly.

Her arms are looped around him, mindful of her belly, and she closes her eyes, letting her thoughts drift and coalesce. Previous worry soothed, she offers him a new one.

“Both of my parents died when I was so young...I-I can’t remember them. My uncle loved me, dearly, but it was so unconventional, Jamie. What if I don’t know what to do?”

It boggles him, that the same woman he’s watched spend entire weekends playing with his nieces and nephews, taking care of them, doting on them, is now worried she doesn’t know how to be a mother. One hand moves to her belly, still able to cup a large span of it.

“I suspect there will be a fair amount we dinna ken, Sassenach. But we’ve learned quite a bit from Jenny over the years, aye?”

Claire nods, but she still looks doubtful. “It’s different when I’m only ‘Auntie Claire’ for as long as we’re at Lallybroch, or they’re here. I don’t have to worry if I’ve done something that will shape who they become as an adult.”

Despite the seriousness of the conversation, Jamie chuckles, then reaches out to stroke her cheek softly with the pad of his thumb.

“Ye ken what I think?”

“No, but I need you to tell me,” she confesses quietly. They rearrange themselves first, so that he’s sitting at one end of the couch and her head is on his lap with her legs stretched out. One of his hands rests protectively (possessively) on her stomach, and her fingers drag lightly up and down his forearm.

“I think bein’ a parent is terrifying. I didna ken what to do for yer morning sickness when ye couldna keep anythin’ down. I was worrit out of my mind, but ye taught me how to make the ginger tea. From then on, I always had it ready for ye. And I didna ken how to change a nappy ‘til Jen showed me how.” His free hand rests on top of her head, gently massaging.

“What we dinna ken, we’ll learn together,” he promises her. “And ye have a sister-in-law who will be more than happy tae tell ye what to do,” he adds with a fond roll of his eyes.

That pulls a laugh from her, and Claire reaches up to cradle the side of his face, her thumb sweeping across his bottom lip. “Together, Jamie,” she repeats. Tugging him down to meet her, she nuzzles against the side of his nose. “I love you.”

Jamie’s mouth drifts down to meet hers, kissing her thoroughly before dropping softer, gentler kisses against her cheek. “I love ye, Sassenach.” His hand rests lightly over her breast and drifts until he can feel the beating of her heart. “I’ve been watching yer body change as ye grow our bairn. Ye give yerself to our child every day,” he murmurs.

“Giving life isn’t the same as knowing how to sustain it. Nurture it.” She knows, somewhere in the back of her hormone-addled mind that she isn’t lacking in warmth, but the words make it out anyway.

Jamie’s look of admonishment confirms it. “Ye’re the most nurturing person I know.”

Tugging at his hand, she kisses his knuckles in silent gratitude for his words. “But what did my mother do when I fell down? Did she sing silly songs when I was upset? Did she soothe me at night by rocking me or…” She isn’t sure what the other options are, and she trails off, looking at her husband helplessly.

Moving his hand from her chest to the side of her face, Jamie lets the back of his fingers glide across her skin. “In the moment, ye’ll ken what to do, or we’ll work it out, the two of us. Aye?”

Claire closes her eyes, pressing her cheek into his hand. “Aye,” she agrees with a small smile. He’s never failed to find the right thing to say, and every now and then, she wonders how he does it. “Thank you, Jamie.”

He hums, helping her sit up. “I’m only speaking true.”

“And you gave me a wonderful gift,” she adds, holding onto his hand as he stands and helps her once more. “Something for all of our children.”

“First present for our bairn.” He pulls her close to kiss her forehead, smiling when he feels her hands rest against his lower back.

“It’s only fitting that it’s come from you.” With a tender kiss to his neck, they hold one another in the living room until he simply lifts her off her feet, carrying her to their room. It makes her laugh, and she rests her head against his shoulder. “I can still walk, you know.”

“Aye, but why bother when ye have me?”

She laughs again as he places her gently on the bed, then sighs contentedly as he joins her, curling up in his new sleeping position - head by her belly, as if in his sleep he’ll be the first to know if anything’s amiss.

She enjoys it; the first time he slept there it broke her heart wide open, and she’d somehow loved him more than she had the moment before. Now, her fingers reach down to tug at his curls affectionately.

“You spoil me, you know,” Claire hums, closing her eyes.

“‘Tis my job,” Jamie replies seriously, though he kisses her stomach as he does. “I’ll always take care of ye.”

Their eyes meet, and she smiles warmly at him. “I’ve never doubted it.”

Before he can say anything else, Jamie glances at her stomach sharply - she felt it too, an insistent little kick. Both of them pause, his hand not moving from that spot as they wait. The five seconds between moments feel like hours before finally, there’s another movement, like something rolling under her skin, and Jamie’s eyes widen in awe.

“There’s our bairn,” he breathes out, eyes focused on the spot his hand is covering, even as his head drops to press kisses all around the immediate area. “A leannan, can ye hear me?” he murmurs. “‘Tis yer da.” When another kick comes, he laughs and looks up at his wife in sheer joy. “What a braw little wean.”

The tears that were threatening retreat as Claire laughs in delight, covering his hand with her own. “Now that you’ve felt movement, what do you think, Da?”

He smiles, pressing the curve of his lips to her stomach for a moment before responding. “I think ye’ve given me the best gift ye ever could, Sassenach. I’ve wanted to be a father for most of my adult life. Feeling our bairn inside of ye, Claire…”

It makes it real, makes everything he’s working for hold more weight

“Ye gave me a purpose when ye found me, a nighean. A reason to work harder. And now…” He’s just as emotional as she is this time, a tear dropping to the apple of her cheek. “Ye gave my life meaning, aye? Everything I am is for you.”

She doesn’t know what to say, a lump in her throat making it impossible anyway. They breathe one another in, both on their sides and holding onto one another. After a soft brush of her lips across his cheek, she guides his hand to her chest, over her heart.

“Come love me, Jamie,” she whispers quietly, sighing as he cups her breast and rises just enough to envelop her against his body.

When they’re still together in the quiet after, he returns to his new sleeping position and traces his fingers lightly over her skin.

“Sleep now, mo nighean donn. Dream of our bairn.”

By the time he says it, she’s already half-way there.

[jamespotterthefirst]

A quick announcement

Hey everyone!

I hope you guys are safe and healthy. I just wanted to quickly fill you in on my writing/posting schedule.

Starting tomorrow, school/work will be in full swing for me. And although that will occupy most of time, I intend to continue writing as it is my biggest passion. Once again, that is entirely because of you guys ♥ I used to write before but this Quarantine gave me the time and you guys gave me the inspiration. For that I will always be grateful.

I have pre-written eight short fics that I will be posting in the next few weeks. Those are:

50 Ways to Say “I Love You” prompts

#47. “You’ve finally rendered me speechless”  

#36. “I really like your hands"  

#37. “You’re the only reason I’m coming back” 

#28. “Don’t move - I’ll get it for you”

#48. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”  

“Everything I Wanted” (Part 3 of Lovely)

And two random Ethan x MC fluff fics

Not to mention multiple WIPs and ideas. Hopefully I get to finish and share them all. (Including random Pictagram posts that I made a long time ago lol. If anyone wants to see those). 

You might see less of me here but I will still post writing once or twice a week. I will always continue to reblog/support fellow content creators. And, of course, you will still see my ridiculous reactions to Choices stories, particularly when OH2 comes back. 

Thank you to everyone for your support and encouragement thus far! I love every single one of you! Good luck to everyone going back to school this month. Please stay safe xx

Remember, you can message me any time :)

My best,

Bree 

_____

Tags:

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[btschooseafic]

Hey you, what’s your dream?

Pairing: platonic!oc x ot7

Details: manager!oc, predebut/idolverse, partial BTS World!verse

Summary: Jungkook feels the pressure of being the main vocal in their debut song.

Warnings: This is a fictional story based on real events. The characters presented here are not the same as their real life counterparts. (TW: non-explicit talk of anxiety/ mental health treatment) [Masterlist]

Track 12: Golden Maknae

Talk To Me- Cavetown

“You don't have to be a prodigy to be unique

You don't have to know what to say or what to think”

“You want me to be the main vocal?” Jungkook stared wide eyed at Aviva. “But this is so sudden… I’m not ready…”

“That’s okay. It’s your debut song, so if you felt totally ready, I’d say you were being overconfident,” Aviva said, reaching over and hugging him.

“Our maknae!” Jimin clapped his hands and then jumped over, wrapping his arms around both of them as far as they would go. “Don’t worry about it too much! I’ll make sure to be a good lead!”

“But—but still…” Jungkook squirmed out of their arms. “Why am I the main vocal? There are other singers.”

“I asked everyone their opinion, and it was a nearly unanimous decision,” Aviva told him. Yoongi frowned.

“Nearly? Who didn’t vote for the maknae?”

Jungkook sighed. “I didn’t.”

“Oh.” Yoongi nodded. “I see.”

“I think it was the right choice,” Jin put in. “Jungkook-ah, your voice is the most stable, anyway.”

“Nice face, great body, and sings well too! Wow!” Taehyung shot him a thumb’s up. “You’re not our Golden Maknae for nothing!”

Jungkook swallowed, rubbing his throat.

“Oh, if your throat feels sore, I’ve got you covered,” Aviva said, pointing to a bag she placed on the couch.

“What’s in here?” Jin wondered, poking around. “Ah… I see… Certainly a lot of variety, manager-nim.” Everyone gathered around.

“I put my trust in modern medicine! I choose the ice-cold cooling spray!” Namjoon grabbed it.

“Lozenges should be plenty,” Yoongi thought, comparing two different packages.

“They’re different flavors,” Aviva told him.

“Yeah, but which one works better?” Yoongi wondered.

“And which one tastes better?” Jin wondered. Aviva frowned.

“Wait a minute, my Jungkookie senses are tingling.”

“Your what are what?” Jin asked, blinking at her.

“Spiderman reference,” Hoseok told him, doing the pose.

“Ah! Spiderman!” Jin nodded, also doing the pose.

“This happened a couple of times in LA,” Aviva said. “If I’m right—”

“Whoosh!”

“Whoosh!” Jin and Hoseok were pretending to spray each other with web.

Aviva shushed them. “Listen for a minute.” The sounds of music and Jungkook’s verse came floating towards them.

“Ah…” Jimin grimaced. “He’s practicing already.”

“This happened in LA?” Namjoon asked Aviva, his brow furrowing. “You didn’t mention it before.” Aviva shrugged.

“It was only a couple of times, when he got really stressed out about having trouble with a routine, he would sneak off and practice it himself until he got it down.”

“Ah, yeah, I’ve seen that.” Hoseok shook his head. “I’ve tried telling him not to stress so much, but…” Aviva frowned.

“Think about a time when you were really angry, or really sad, would telling you to ‘calm down’ or ‘cheer up’ help at all?”

Hoseok blinked. “I guess not.”

“I’d probably just get angrier out of spite,” Jimin thought.

“Yeah…” Aviva breathed out. “I know this isn’t talked about a lot around here, but it’s normal for you guys to face a lot of stressful, and emotional situations in this industry. It would be good to have some copping mechanisms prepared.”

Namjoon nodded slowly. “Have you talked to Jungkookie about that?”

“Yeah. I think that was the closest he’s ever come to yelling at me,” Aviva thought.

Namjoon blinked.

“Jungkookie, yell, at you? Wow, yeah, he must’ve been very stressed out.”

“He respects you a lot, Avi-noona,” Taehyung thought. “But maybe that just makes it harder for him sometimes, cause he wants to look good in front of you.”

“Hmmm…” Aviva ran her hand through her hair. “I wish I knew what to do.” She turned to Jin. “He’s been eating, right?”

“Seokjin’s Chicken House is open 24/7. We also provide delivery…” He winked at her. Aviva laughed.

“I might take you up on that sometime, when I don’t feel like cooking.”

Namjoon rested his hands on his hips. “Back to Jungkook-ah... I guess all we can do is be there for him. He says he’s not, but he’s capable of doing well, and then some.”

On the morning of the first day of recording, Jin invited Aviva over for breakfast.

“Wow, Jin-oppa…” She looked over the large spread. “This looks great!”

“Wait!” Namjoon said, as everyone moved to dig in. “Our Golden Maknae first!”

“What? Me?” Jungkook stared at him. Aviva frowned.

“Yeah.” Yoongi nodded. “Being main vocal is hard, so you need to eat more. I agree.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Aviva asked him as he picked up his chopsticks. His hands were shaking slightly. She pushed his hair back from his face. He was pale.

“I’m fine, noona,” Jungkook muttered.

“Soy-braised beef.” Hoseok held the platter out to him. “Let me fill your plate!” Everyone started piling things onto Jungkook’s plate.

“Thanks…everyone, but I sing better on an empty stomach,” Jungkook said, his pale face looking slightly green now. “I’m gonna go nap in the car…”

“At least have some water,” Aviva said, moving to pour some for him.

“I said I’m fine!” Jungkook snapped. “You don’t have to always baby me!” Everyone stared at him. He froze for a moment, and then ran out the door. Namjoon reached over and squeezed Aviva’s shoulder.

“You okay?”

She just grimaced.

“Huh? Jungkookie doesn’t want the meat?” Jimin stared at it hungrily.

“I guess he just wanted time al—Hey, Jimin-ah, you couldn’t even be a little patient?” Namjoon said, slapping his chopsticks down. Meat splattered over the table.

“Kim Namjoon-ssi!” Jin said, standing up. “Don’t waste food!”

“Ah, sorry, hyung! I’m clean it up.” Namjoon reached for a napkin and knocked over someone’s water, spilling it over Jin’s plate. Jin started cursing as Namjoon kept apologizing.

“Save the meat!” Taehyung said, grabbing the plate and munching on it steadily.

“Tae!” Jimin shouted. “Leave some for me!”

“If Jungkookie can pass on something this delicious, he must be ready!” Tae thought. “It means he’s completely focused on the song, and nothing else.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Aviva said quietly. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned. “Yoongi-oppa?” She hoped he had something encouraging to say.

“You distract Tae while I grab the meat,” he told her.

Aviva left the boys to fight over the meat, checking the car to find Jungkook stretched out in the back.

“Time to go yet?” He said, his eyes still closed.

“Not yet,” she said. “They might be a while.” He let out a breath.

“Noona?”

“Hmm?”

“Sorry for shouting at you.”

“It’s fine,” she said. Jungkook made an uncertain noise.

While recording his section, Jungkook became fidgety, and his voice cracked. He coughed, and spluttered, looking pleadingly through the glass at Namjoon.

“Hyung,” he said, raspy. “I’m losing my voice���”

Aviva took Jungkook to a doctor, worried about his throat, while Jin drove the rest of the boys back to the dorm.

“Jeon Jungkook-ssi, I’m very concerned,” the doctor said.

Aviva’s jaw worked. She let out a breath.

“What are you concerned about, doctor?”

“Well, let’s just get this out of the way… I don’t see any physical issues with the vocal chords at all. His throat is exceptionally healthy. “

“Then…?” Aviva wondered.

“The patient is a 16-year-old boy, right? What’s going on that he’s so stressed out? Looking at these test results, I’d expect him to be a soldier in an active combat zone.” The doctor handed over a pile of papers. Aviva skimmed them, but there were a lot of words she didn’t understand.

She and Jungkook took the train and a bus back together. With Jungkook’s permission, Aviva took out a dictionary and began translating a bunch of the medical terms. “Cortisol, adrenaline… ah, I see why she was so worried.”

“Explain it to me,” Jungkook said. “Please.”

“Cortisol and adrenaline are hormones that the body releases during stressful situations. They can help you preform at a higher level than usual, but too much exposure can have a negative impact on your mind and body,” Aviva told him. Jungkook frowned, looking from the dictionary to her.

“It doesn’t say all that in here. Did you just happen to know it? Are you secretly a genius like Namjoon hyung?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t do particularly well in Chemistry. I mean, I never got to learn it properly, so I just studied it on my own for the test I took… it’s, um, like the equivalent of a high school diploma in the U.S, so if it makes me a little less under qualified there, you know? But, um, I know about these hormones in particular, cause I’ve had them on my blood tests before too, in high levels.”

Jungkook squeezed his hands into fists in his lap. “Jen-ah said… she said both of you have suffered from a lot of anxiety, just like me.”

“Yeah.” Aviva nodded. “We have.”

“She also said you read a lot of books on how to deal with that kind of stuff, and taught yourself coping techniques. I know you offered to teach me before, but… do you think you could try again? I mean, if you still want to.”

“Jungkook-ah, at the time, I probably should’ve seen a doctor, instead of taking it on myself,” Aviva admitted. “I’m not a professional.”

“I can’t,” Jungkook muttered. “If I’m going to be an idol, and that gets out… Anyway, I’m still a minor. My parents would have to pay for it, and I don’t want to worry them.” Aviva sighed. “Will you help me?”

“I’ll do my best, Jungkook-ah.” Over the rest of the bus ride, Aviva taught Jungkook a few breathing and grounding techniques.

Back at the dorm, Taehyung and Jimin immediately grabbed Jungkook, dragging him into one of the rooms. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you!” Tae said.

“Aviva-yah,” Namjoon said. “How is he?”

“Well, Jungkook-ah said it was okay for me to share this with you, but don’t go spreading it around, okay?” After they nodded, she told them about his test results.

“Fuck,” Yoongi said.

“We fucked up,” Hoseok agreed. “I guess the things we thought were supportive were just putting even more pressure on him.”

“We have to remember, he’s only sixteen,” Aviva said.

Namjoon rubbed his neck. “This is my fault. He’s talented and he works hard, so I kept pushing him…”

“We all played a hand,” Yoongi said. “We’re a team.”

Namjoon smiled tensely at him. “Yeah, hyung, but I’m supposed to be the leader. So I should take responsibility.”

“Should we go rescue him from Jimin-ah and Taehyungie?” Aviva wondered. “Ah, but maybe he’ll think I’m babying him again…”

Jin patted her on the back. “We’re all worried. We just want to help.”

“Yeah, but…” Yoongi shook his head, looking at Aviva. “You told us there was no physical injury, and I still saw Jimin-ah grab the first aid kit.”

“At least they’re sure to shower him with lots of attention!” Hoseok said cheerfully. Then he wilted. “Wait, maybe that would just stress him out more…”

“He needs to build some confidence,” Yoongi thought. “But how?”

“If we could just get him singing, but not thinking so much about it,” Jin thought. “Ah, wait!” He snapped his fingers. “I’m a genius! I have the perfect idea.” He tilted his head. “Well, maybe.” He shrugged. “Eh, it’s worth a try.”

Namjoon stared at him. “…You’re gonna give me whiplash, hyung.”

“Avi-yah.” Jin put his hands on her shoulders. “I will draw Jimin-ah and Taehyung-ah out, so you go talk to Jungkookie and work your manager-magic until I give you the signal.” He started pushing her down the hall.

“Manager-magic?” Namjoon wondered.

“What’s the signal?” Aviva wanted to know.

“You’ll know it when you see it!” Jin said excitedly.

Aviva waited until Jimin and Taehyung ran out of the room, shooting her thumbs up and grins, before running off again towards the kitchen. Aviva knocked on the door uncertainly. “Jungkook-ah? Are you sleeping? Can I come in?”

“Ah, noona… okay. It’s a little embarrassing, but I think I could use a hand with these.”

“What’s embarrass—” Aviva dissolved into giggles when she saw the bandages wrapped around his head and his arm.

“Ah, I’m not sure if they were actually trying to help, or just mess with me, but…” He struggled with one of the bandages. Aviva sat next to him on the bed.

“May I…?” She reached towards him. He nodded. He watched her as she worked out the knot, her lip pinched between her front teeth as she concentrated.

“Noona, can I ask you… those things you were nervous about in the past, the things that gave you test results like mine, and made you want to learn those techniques… were you able to get passed it?”

“Hmm, well, there were a couple of different situations,” she said, unwrapping the bandage from his head and moving to the one on his arm. “One situation that used to give me a lot of anxiety was the idea of moving to South Korea. In general, I think I handled that pretty well.” Jungkook nodded.

“You’re one of the strongest people I know,” he said. She smiled.

“Thank you. I know you mean it when you say it, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way myself. Some days I struggle to do even the bare minimum.” She finished taking the bandage off of his arm and twisted it into a ball. “Another situation I was anxious about was that High School test I mentioned earlier. I passed, but… I didn’t do very well. Chances are, if I ever want to take any classes in the U.S. again, I would need to retake that test first. Some days, you don’t win.”

Jungkook flopped down onto his back, staring at the ceiling.

“So you’re saying either I give up, or I just keep trying until I get it right?”

She lay down next to him. “I didn’t say that. I mean, you could do that, but it sounds very tiring, Jungkookie.”

He turned on his side, looking at her. “It is. Is there a third option?”

“I don’t know. But there’s usually an alternative route, you just have to find it. If it’s a goal you want to reach badly enough, you should keep trying until you get it, but maybe try a few different ways?” She sighed. “I don’t know, JK, I’m still figuring this out.” He smiled.

“That’s one thing I like about you, noona, you’re not afraid to admit when you don’t have the answers. Right now, I don’t know what to do. I really want to be the main vocalist, I really want to do well, but… I don’t know how. How do I find the alternative route?” Suddenly there was a knock on the window. They both jumped, Jungkook moving slightly in front of Aviva. “Burglars?”

“Um, I don’t think so. I think it might be…” She walked over to the window and pulled open the curtain, rolling her eyes when she saw Jin striking a pose on the other side. Jungkook snickered.

“What’s he doing?”

“I’ve got no clue. Let’s find out.” Aviva pulled open the window. “Oppa, I am very interested to see where you’re going with this.”

“Prepare to be amazed, manager-nim, and Jeon Jungkook-ah!” Jin said, striking another pose.

Aviva sniffed. “Something smells good.”

“Why, thank you, Namjoon-ah’s minding it for me, though, so we’d better hurry before he lets it burn. Come join us in the backyard, okay?” Jin rushed off.

Jungkook and Aviva exchanged a bemused look before rushing for the door.

The boys had used a plank of wood and some crates to fashion together a low table, placing a grill on top of it, where they were cheerfully cooking meat and vegetable skewers. Someone had strung Christmas lights up overhead, giving the backyard a cozy and warm atmosphere.

“You have to add onions!” Hoseok was saying. “Onions are the best when grilled.”

“It’s a miracle cure!” Taehyung singsonged. “When you’re feeling down, you go go full speed ahead to where the meat is!”

“The guest of honor is late!” Namjoon said, grinning at Jungkook.

“Come on, come on!” Jimin said, running over to them, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him over to sit. Aviva hovered awkwardly in the background for a moment before Jin caught her eye and waved her over. She sat in an empty spot between him and Yoongi.

“What do you think?” Jin asked, turning to Jungkook and motioning at everything.

“…Looks good,” Jungkook admitted, a small smile slipping onto his face. The other boys cheered. Hoseok started pouring everyone a cup of beer while Jin started making up a plate for Aviva.

“So eat and cheer up!” Taehyung said, nudging Jungkook’s arm with his.

“Yeah, eat and hang in there so we can practice even harder!” Hoseok said. Aviva frowned at him.

“Hobi…” She said warningly.

“I’m fine,” Jungkook told her, actually looking like he meant it for once.

“Let’s eat until we die!” Yoongi said, grabbing another piece of meat.

“Eat until we die?” Jin repeated. “Don’t you mean eat until we debut?”

Yoongi snorted. “Wait, before we eat,” Taehyung said, ignoring Yoongi’s pointed chewing. “Shouldn’t we say something?”

“Oh yeah, a toast,” Hoseok agreed. “We can’t skip that.”

“I always do it… so today should be the maknae’s turn,” Namjoon suggested. Everyone cheered again. Jungkook waved his hand dismissively.

“You should say something, since it’s your party,” Jimin agreed.

“If you don’t have anything prepared, you can say Seokjin-hyung thanks for the delicious meat!” Jin offered.

“Or something like Taehyung-hyung, I love you!” Tae suggested. Jin laughed.

“Ah…” Jungkook stared down at his drink. “I’m sorry, for being the worst one in the studio—” Everyone interrupted him with noises of protest.

“What do you mean? Don’t say that!” Jimin whined.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jin agreed.

Namjoon insisted Jungkook had done so well that his ears had melted and fused together. Hoseok played along, asking him if he needed to go to the hospital.

“Or maybe Aviva-yah can kiss it better?” He cooed. Even in the dark they could see Namjoon’s face flush.

“You kiss it better yourself,” Aviva said, tired of his antics. Hoseok looked at Namjoon thoughtfully as everyone laughed.

“Jungkookie, you’re the main vocal. If you keep saying you didn’t do well, what does that make us?” Taehyung wondered.

Jungkook looked thoughtful.

“If Jungkook-ah can’t think of anything to say, maybe he should just serenade us, melt our ears,” Namjoon put in.

Jungkook started to sing, with the others gradually joining in. By the second chorus, even Aviva had joined, so quietly that only Yoongi and Jin heard and glanced at her, grinning.

“You’ve got a nice voice,” Yoongi said in her ear, making her shiver slightly. “Are you sure you’re not the one who should be debuting?”

“Shut up!” She whispered, elbowing him. He winced.

“Watch the shoulder,” he muttered.

“Sorry!”

Aviva stayed over early into the morning, helping clean the yard so the landlady wouldn’t yell at them.

“Well, these two are useless,” Namjoon thought, his voice muffled as Taehyung squished his cheeks, serenading him. Jimin was hanging off of Joon’s back like a monkey.

“Send them to bed,” Aviva told him.

“Yeah.” Namjoon gave Jimin a piggy-back ride. Taehyung trailed after them, still singing.

“Ah, I think Hobi-hyung is done for as well,” Jungkook (only slightly drunk himself), spoke up.

“I can tuck him in,” Aviva offered.

“Yay!” Hoseok hugged her tightly, pressing her face against his chest, tucking his chin over the top of her head.

“Ugh, Hobi, can’t breath!” Aviva squeaked.

“Avi’s comin’ to bed with me!” Hoseok gloated to Yoongi, sticking his tongue out. “Take that, hyung!” Yoongi glared at him.

“Jungkook-ah,” he said firmly.

“Got it.” Jungkook grabbed Hoseok’s arm and peeled him off of her with surprising strength. “Come on, hyung, don’t do anything you’ll regret in the morning.”

“No regrets!” Hoseok cried, slinging his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders.

“You okay?” Yoongi asked Aviva, a little concern leaking through his usual blank expression. Aviva smiled.

“It’s fine, Hobi’s always clingy, even when he’s not drunk.”

“Yeah, I guess…” Yoongi was still frowning.

“Chingu!” Jin called. “Where are those garbage bags?”

“Eh, you used all of them already?” Yoongi groaned. “Seriously?” He took a full bag and dragged it over to the door. “I’ll get more.” He leaned close to Aviva. “Keep an eye on hyung, he’s drunker than he looks.”

“Okay,” Aviva said. “Yoongi…”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay carrying all that? Your shoulder—”

“It’s fine,” he said tensely, sighing when she stared at him. “No, for real. Physical therapy helped a lot.”

“That’s great.” Aviva gave him a quick hug before going back to Jin.

“So…” Jin hummed as he cleaned, his neck flushed from the alcohol. “You and Yoongi-yah…?”

“What about Yoongi-oppa?” Aviva asked innocently.

“Well, isn’t that the stereotypical plot, the group members all fighting over the same girl?” Jin thought. Aviva frowned.

“You watch too many dramas.”

“Maybe.” Jin shrugged. “I’m just saying I wouldn’t want that to happen, especially before we’ve even debuted.”

“Jin-oppa, they just like to joke around, they’re not seriously interested in me.”

“Aish, Aviva-yah, you aren’t that oblivious, are you?” Jin looked her in the eye, suddenly looking a lot less drunk than he had a moment ago. She ignored the heat rising in her face, holding the eye contact without flinching.

“It wouldn’t happen. I’m a good friend to have, but as far as… I wouldn’t be a good girlfriend.” She’d only had a sip of beer with the cheers earlier, she wondered if it was possible to drunk off of one sip? Or was she overtired? Because these were things she had never spoken about, not even with Soonyoung or Jen. These were things she didn’t even like to think about in the privacy of her own mind. “There are things I don’t… I won’t…” She let out a breath, letting her words fade away.

“… I’m sorry, Viva-yah, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” Jin said, his expression softening. “I think I might’ve been too harsh.”

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Premier.”

Since so many of you have been asking about the movie, I wrote something for you this morning. I wrote it in two hours and have to get it out before class starts, so give me a little slack here. 

“Stop fidgeting will you.”

“Sorry! I’m just nervous….. Do I look stupid.”

“You always look stupid, that’s not going to change anytime soon.”

“Ha ha, Hilarious, Just answer the question.”

“You look fine stop worrying.”

Adam turned to face the mirror tugging at the sleeves of his dress shirt, fidgeting obsessively with his tie, and the open front of his jacket. Conn floated over his shoulder grinning somewhat malevolently at him.

Krill slapped his hand as he tried to reach for the tie again, “Stop messing with it. Look what you did now. We will have to do it all over again.” 

The little doctor angrily undid the tie and began to redo it.

Adam sighed, “Thanks mother.”

“Don’t give me your sass.” he finished tying the knot stepping back so Adam had room to button the vest back up before turning around to face the mirror. Conn had sidled over to the side of the room still leering at him as he was prone to do.

He tried to ignore him and eyed himself feeling more than a little strange in such formal attire, a three piece suit minus an eye patch, and plus a shiny pair of dress shoes he could have seen his reflection in. He reached up to grab his tie again, but his hand was slapped away.

“What did I say!”

“Sorry, Sorry.” he grumbled pulling back to message his hand .

There was a hiss as the door at the far end of the room popped open, and Sunny stepped inside trailed by waffles, “Look.” Sunny began, pointing proudly towards the dog, who trotted into the room to sit politely before Adam looking up at him with her big brown eyes head tilted slightly to the side.

He laughed, “Is that a bow tie?”

Sunny Hummed to herself, pleased, “Why yes, yes it is. She's adorable and you’re welcome.”

He reached down to rub the dog’s ears before looking up, “You look nice.”

“I know.” Sunny announced striking a rather, heroic pose, which, all jesting aside, actually completed the look: bright silver armor, a horned helmet, all pulled together by the electric blue silk cape that hung at one shoulder.

“Wish I could wear a cape.” He frowned crossing his arms in mild dejection.

“Why not?”

“What do you mean why not?”

“This is the movie industry, Adam, they wear outlandish stuff onto the red carpet all the time.”

He seemed rather miffed at the observation, mostly from the fact he hadn’t thought of that before, “Well now it’s a little too late, don’t you think?”

“Sucks to suck, you look good though.”

He sighed and turned back towards the mirror adjusting himself, “I look like a poser.”

“Stop worrying so much, and stop fidgeting. The fidgeting is what makes you look like a poser. Relax and own it, you know for someone who spends a lot of his time unwaveringly confident to the point that I worry about your health, you can be very insecure sometimes.”

“Thank you so much! for that boost of confidence, Sunny.”

His sarcasm wasn’t lost on her, though she chose, rather obviously to ignore it. 

“There is one thing I think you should do.” 

“Oh, and what is that.”

“Put the eyepatch back on. Be you, just the fancier version. I have a theory that the reason people aren't comfortable is because they aren't being themselves.” 

He raised an eyebrow at her then shrugged, “If you say so, I guess.” 

He could hear Conn snort internally, “That is horrible advice for most people, since the vast majority of them are miserable hacks.”

He ignored the starborne, again. 

There was a sudden knock at the door, and they all turned to see another man dressed in a fine black suit, “Mr. Ellis has just arrived, and is his car is waiting for you outside.”

Adam took a deep breath glancing down at the eye patch one more time before slipping it on, “Alright, ready everyone?”

They chorused their readiness, and he squirmed with nervous energy. 

How were they all being so calm?

Together they made their way out the door and down the hallway to the large, black limousine waiting for them just outside the door. The man from earlier was waiting for them, pulling the door open and motioning them inwards.  

Conn floated in first, Krill climbing in second, followed by Adam and then Sunny.

Director Clayton Ellis sat just inside the door grinning widely.

Adam had to blink a few times to determine which part of the man was which. There was just so much of him ... everywhere . He wore a white… something absolutely crusted with sequins and jewels including the frames of his glasses. As far as Adam could tell he could have been wearing a dress, or a suit with some strange alteration, though it was difficult to see sitting here in the car.

The ribbons that flowed down from his back and hips sort of reminded him of Conn.

“Adam! So good, so good to see you. I am so glad you could make it for the premier. I think you're going to love it, absolutely visually stunning, heart rending at times, and just the right amount of action. Best piece I think I have ever directed, and all thanks to you, the man of the hour. And don’t you look sharp, absolutely working for me very old fashioned very provincial late 1990s early 2000s maybe.”

Adam rubbed the back of his neck, blushing, “Er, thanks…. You look good…. Too.”

“Well thank you! Designed it myself, well with the help of some famous friends.” He motioned towards Conn, “Took the concept idea from your starborn there, very ethereal, very flowey, though doesn’t look so elegant when sitting in a car.” 

Adam just continued to nod along adding an mmhmm or a yes, or and of course whenever he thought it was necessary. Luckily Mr. Ellis provided most of the conversation, so he didn’t have to open his mouth too much.

He noticed almost immediately when the car slowed down glancing out the window and finding…. An absolute mob of people. His stomach lurched and churned as cameras flashed, some held in hands, others as little ball drones hovering over the crowd. He craned his neck to see ahead of them, watching as a line of fancy dark cars slowly scooted up the line.

His stomach was churning.

From where he sat, he watched as Keith Jenning, the actor who had played him, stepped from the car. The lashing grew in intensity, outside the window he could hear a muffled roar. 

Mr Ellis Grinned, “Me, you, and then your extraterrestrial friends, eh? Give them something to talk about.

The next car ahead of them stopped, and Rita. Ortiz, and Adler Handen, krill’s voice actor, stepped from the car. Rita was dressed in a tight black suit, not dissimilar to his own, silver watch shining on her left wrist.

And there it was.

He suddenly needed to pee.

Their car lurched forward as the cameras flashed and stopped. Clayton Elllis got ready, and then the door was opened releasing a wave of sound that absolutely deafened him. Clayton stepped from the car trails of ribbons billowing behind him, hands raised to the crowd. Lights flashed pictures snapped.

Adam was ushered out next, Stepping from the car, foot planted straight on the red carpet. Lights dazzled his eyes, and in a daze he stepped forward to follow Clayton, who was making the most of his moment. 

“WE LOVE YOU COMMANDER!”

He turned his head to the side suddenly blinded by another flash of light, as one of those camera drones zipped past him.

He blinked the light from his eyes just in time to see a group of women leaning out over barricade waving their hands and screaming furiously.

At that moment he wondered which was redder, his face or the carpet.

He gave a rather awkward wave towards the girls who absolute erupted into screaming and jumping.

Then the crowd silenced a moment later, the lights stopping.

And he turned to see Sunny step foot after him, light glittering and sparkling form her armor and carapace. She held her regal armored head high.

IThe moment of silence continued for a second, and then it was as if the world around them was alight with stars, a flashing roaring thunder, which only grew louder with Krill and finally with Conn, who flouted outwards completely stealing the spotlight with his ethereal presence. Together they slowly walked forward stopped on occasion to get group pictures

In their turn, each of them was kidnapped by Ellis and forced to pose for a thousand pictures.

He just grinned dazed and confused star struck as he looked around him.

He even thought he could hear his name being called from the crowd, though that was uncertain.

TV reporters stood at the end of the red carpet speaking frantically into their cameras and waylaying celebrities as they walked by.

“Keith Jenning, tell us about what it was like to make this movie.”

The man flashed a charming smile, “Well, at first I was a little unsure. I mean I had never done anything based on a real life story before, and emulating another person was hard. I worked with posture coaches, and accent experts for weeks. A mid Americana accent is surprisingly subtle, but very hard if you want to get it right. Over all, I actually ended up really enjoying shooting the movie despite my doubts at first.”

“Rita, was it hard to perform in stilts and motion capture, we heard you almost broke your legs.”

She laughed, “It was hard yeah sure, but it was so, very fun. You know what you act normally, you do your best to act as convincingly human as possible, but when playing an alien, the rules change, go out the window. I had so much fun learning about Drev culture, and the way they think about war. It was a fascinating and eye opening experience. I loved it, and I encourage everyone to get to know a little more about our interstellar neighbors.”

Lights flashed, more cameras snapped.

“Did you find it hard to connect with the character?” Someone asked Adler Handen.

“Not in the slightest, it was actually a very excellent way to get out there and stretch my proverbial wings. It’s always good to get out of your head on occasion.

Sunny was grabbed and pulled to stand in a picture with Rita, who seemed more than pleased to be spending time with Sunny.

It was the same for Krill, and finally Adam who was dragged forward to get a picture with Keith.

Off to the side Clayton Ellis was excitedly rambling on, “Oh I absolutely love the movie, couldn’t be happier. I really think we did the source material justice, and honestly I think it really puts perspective on the Drev war, and the people involved. You know with all the negativity going around about the LFIL, there are a lot of people who are scared of aliens, Xenophobic in nature, and I think this really puts into persepctive just how similar we all are. They are intelligent sentient lifeforms not so dissimilar to us at all, and I think this movie, this real life story really demonstrates how we can all get past those differences.”

Adam was quite pleased to hear the relative positivity that was coming off the actors and the director, even if it was fake.

That was before the camera crews descended like vultures around him, and he was surrounded by a wave of cameras.

“Commander, Commander Vir! Tell us how you feel about all this.”

He hemmed and hawed for a moment stuttering over himself before taking a deep breath, “Look I’m A kid from mid Mericanda, I honestly ended up here mostly by accident, and I’m pretty sure this is some kind of insane dream.”

“What did you think of the movie.”

“Well, I haven't actually seen it yet, I was deployed when they did the beta testing, but I’ve gotten to know Director Ellis a little, and he was very open to my suggestions and the story, so I feel confident he did his best to do it justice.” 

“We hear that you won’t be taking any of the royalties.”

“Well no, not entirely. Maybe a little for my family, but most of it is going to a charity for Drev war survivors, especially operation Steel eye. A lot of those people had it rough after the war, and I want to make sure they get something back.”

Across the red carpet, Sunny had been stopped, “Do you worry that depictions of the war will put your society in a bad light.”

Sunny tilted her head, “Why would it. The Drev are warlike, and we always have been. The only difference is that we practice and view war differently than humans. War has never come close to destroying our planet. To die in war is an honor and a victory, so we do not hold grudges against each other or assume it to be a tragedy. War on our planet's mean two different things.”

“Dr Krill, is it true that you were the first alien surgeon to perform on a human trauma paitent.

“That is actually true, yes, even during the Drev war, it turns out 98% of attending physicians were human because humans tended to be the highest rate of survivors from injury. Humans being slightly more durable than the rest of us.”

In the center of the red carpet, Conn had taken up a large space given a certain amount of personal room by the awed  crowd, “Is it true that you’re a telepath.”

The starborn raised his hands signing, voice dictation taking over as he did so, “Think of something, try it.”

“Oh, Ok.”

“Big purple muffin.”

“You could have just made that up.”

“But he didn’t, that’s exactly what I was thinking.” 

“Don’t be nervous. I promise not to spill any of you deep dark secrets.” Conn laughed like the psycho he was.”

After more pictures, more questions and a hundred more handshakes, they were then ushered into the building, and sat down on comfortable seats facing the screen.

Adam breathed a heavy sigh of relief and leaned his head back. 

Director Ellis grinned at him.

Light overhead went dark and speaking turned to distant quiet muttering.

The screen was dark for a long moment before.

“Mom?” A child’s voice 

“Yes Adam?” A womans 

“I know they’re out there .”

The woman laughed, “Who is out there.”

“Aliens of course.”

“Oh?”

“I’m gonna prove it one day.”

You could hear the smile in the woman’s voice, “I know you will.”

 And then the room began to shake with the thrilling roar of the F-80 Darkfire engine. 

He would have known that sound anywhere.

It sounded like home.