#thanks google for the quote from a movie in which the lead died

[nyssavex]

Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever. -James O’Barr

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #271

“some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses.”

Do you cook on the stove at all, or just microwave? I just use the microwave. I'm scared of the stove lmao. Do you ever debate religion with your friends? Bruuuh no. I am so disinterested in debating about something that to me ultimately doesn't matter yet humanity has made so serious. Whatever happens after we die, happens, there's that. Just be a decent human being and go out knowing you did your best to make the world better than when you entered it. Do you keep your shampoo in the shower or someplace else? In the shower. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: Like... recently? Or in my entire life? I dunno about recently, but I guess the most shocking to me was when she vehemently called my sister something I won't repeat. Did your mom go to college? She was before the cancer. Ready to graduate, too, but that didn't go as planned thanks to, y'know, cancer. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Good question, no clue. I don't really pay attention to the canned foods. Maybe fruits? Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? Nah. Where do you put your keys when you come home? In my purse. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't have one. That I use, anyway. Sara gave me a Markiplier quote one that's a Holy Item on my shelf and instead of holding a beverage holds All My Love. Your bad habit that you love the most: UGH I hate how much I love soda. Invent a pop tart flavor: STORY TIME!!!! As a kid, there was this contest to design a type and you won like... a fucking huge supply of the newest flavor, which was at the time that wild berry whatever thing. My sister and I made one that I think I recall being pink with heart sprinkles and strawberry flavored, and we won. Guess who fucking hates the wild berry flavor now lmao. Okay but anyway if I was to invent one now... is there a BLUE raspberry flavor? Cuz a bitch loves blue raspberry flavored everything. Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: Sometimes. I don't currently have a pet that is, though. Are you proud of yourself for what you've accomplished? The few things I actually have, sure? I'm more ashamed of what I haven't. Do you own any sexy lingerie? Nooooo no one would want to see me in that, least of all myself lmao. Have you ever caught a bouquet of flowers at a wedding before? No. Has a horse ever neighed at you before? Uhhh I don't think so? Do you prefer ice cream or sorbet? Ice cream. Have you gotten your pets spayed? My cat is. That's like... the only pet we ever have fixed, sadly. My parents/Mom (depending on time period) could just never afford it. The only real reason we managed to get Roman neutered was because our sister directed us to a cheap on-the-go business where it was like... only $45, and Roman was marking the house badly so it was pretty urgent. Would you ever take in a stray animal? HA, that is the STORY of my family with cats. At this current time, most likely not. We don't need another pet right now, nevermind one of a mysterious background with my mom being sick. When is payday? N/A Have you ever walked on a runway before? No. How long is your workday? N/A Is there a walkway or a pathway to your front door? No. What is your favorite color? What is your least favorite color? Pink is superior to all colors. I'm really not a puke-green fan, but I mean... is anyone? What color dominates your wardrobe? Everything is B L A C K. What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. Are you colorblind, or do you know anyone who is? I'm not, but Jason's brother is colorblind to I think red and blue? Do you prefer color photos or black-and white? It greatly depends on the composition and subject matter of the photograph. I find great beauty in both. If I had to pick though, color usually appeals to me more. Are you one of those people who can taste, feel, or smell colors? No. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? Yes. Do you enjoy coloring? It tends to be my least-favorite part of the art process because that's where I always fuck shit up. Do you know anyone who is racist? Oh my, PLENTY. Welcome to the South. Are your nails painted any color(s) right now? They never are. Can you lift more than 100lbs? I probably CAN, but it would be very hard. What's your opinion on incest? It's fucking repulsive. Morally and negative from a scientific standpoint, anyway. Do you have a favorite color for cats? Orange. What video games did you play when you were younger? I was a massive gamer as a kid, teenager too, so I could put a hell of a lot here. But, I'll just imagine you're referring to when I was quite young. The Spyro games (save for Skylanders) were my LIFE, I loved Nintendogs, the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, lots of games that were based on movies (like Madagascar and Finding Nemo are two I really enjoyed), uhhh... OH! And absolutely weird, but I loved hunting games. Like, I had a whooole lot, despite hating real life hunting even as a child. I think it was because I got to see wild animals, plus it could be calming to wander and scary, too, when things like wolves found you. Oh, and then there were fishing games, too. LOOK I just love(d) games. Would you ever get a tramp stamp? I hate that nickname. Having a tattoo literally anywhere does not equate you to a stereotype. Yes, because I want to be heavily tattooed anyway. Did you cry when Michael Jackson died? No. Not that I didn't care at all, I just wasn't a giant fan. What's the ugliest species of animal? Lmao how mean. The blobfish immediately comes to mind, though. Looks like a ball of mucus shaped into an old man's face. Are you embarrassed about any songs on your iPod? I used to be, now it's just like whatever. I like what I like. What do you use to listen to music on the computer? YouTube. Do people know a lot about you? Places on the Internet sure do lmao. I try to be much more private now online to a degree, depending on where. Irl, no. I'm too easily embarrassed/afraid of being judged for what makes me, me. Who was the last person you slept beside? Sara. Do you like Metallica? They're one of my all-time favorites and I trust NOBODY who claims to hate them. What's your favorite kind of soup? I'm not a fan of soup. What’s your best friend's favorite band? Her all-time favorite is Pink Floyd. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Ummm idr. Do you play Guitar Hero? Not really anymore, but I fuckin slayed that shit back in the day. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. Who was the last person to come to your house? My younger sister. What time do you usually eat dinner? Anywhere between 5:30 to like... 7:00 or so. Have you ever searched your own house on Google Earth? Not this current one, no. Does it bother you when people have a loose grip on hugs? No? Some people don't like hugs. Are you looking forward to next year? I don't know. Is covid gonna be history by then? It depends on a lot of things. What have you done so far this summer? *blink blink blink* What's your favorite punk band? Honestly, I don't even really separate bands by genres now because I don't know. There's so so many, plenty overlap, etc. etc, and people - especially those who enjoy rock/metal stuff, I've found - get all snobbish and "WELL ACTUALLY" when you "misgenre" or whatever. Which is better: cold or hot weather? COLD. FUCK hot weather. Anything above ~75*F is disgusting. Is photography something you enjoy? I'm an aspiring photographer so like- What’s the best flavor snow cone? I haven't had a legit snow cone in years... but we have a place called Pelican's Snowballs, which is really just like... snow cones in a cup? They are A M A Z I N G and strawberry is to die for. When driving, are you a speed demon or do you drive like your grandmother? I don't drive because I'm terrified to. Have you ever met someone who just had you at hello? No. Bet you were expecting "Jason," but no, I was weirded out that a stranger just comes up to me in the hall on the way to class and starts talking to me. Have you ever written poetry? Yeah. Do you have any addictions? Technology, ugh. And soda, rip. When was the last time you just laid and looked at the stars? Laid, many years ago one summer when Jason and I were just lying on the trampoline while my dad was grilling. What song reminds you of an ex? A lot. What color eyeliner do you prefer? Black. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Like, made from scratch? Hell if I know. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Like, shoulder-deep in the ocean. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think? Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Just one semester of college. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? Yikes, Fs in college math. He taught in such an abstract way that I failed like... every test, or nearly did. I was too afraid to ask questions continuously. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? There is NO situation where I would rather be in the sun. Do you enjoy going to arcades? Hell yeah. What parades do you like to go to? None. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? I ranted to Mom about the fucking ridiculous anti-maskers that are a big reason this motherfucking pandemic is worsening in America. With my mom being immunocompromised, it is something I take VERY goddamn seriously. It's not a difference in opinion - it's a difference in morality. Do you like to play charades? I loved to as a kid. Now it'd feel weird. Would you ever lead a crusade? I wouldn't want to lead anything. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Aha, so as a kid, I had a game demo disc that showed the preview to Parasite Eve, and my sisters and I would secretly watch it despite it scaring us to where Mom did forbid us to click on it. And all these years later, I've played it and love it... ha ha. Otherwise, my parents have always been pretty open to letting us do stuff, save for things the usual parent doesn't like, like swearing. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? A few days back when I got into an argument on Facebook about some asshole teasing their newly-hatched cobra to where it kept striking at the tongs, hood flared and all. Apparently I had no idea what I was talking about, pointing out the snake was clearly stressed out. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? I legit haven't cooked a thing since Sara was here and I made her eggs for breakfast. Which was like, a year ago. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Broooo YES. Pink lemonade is better, but I enjoy just the classic kind, too. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? Fuck this question. Would you like to visit the Everglades? Lemme see them motherfuckin GATORS. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? No. Would be dope, though. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? No, thank god. Have you ever been paid for sex? Hell no. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? HUNNY we are too poor for that shit. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I have no clue. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? A family friend was over here a couple days ago and she had this weirdest muscle cramp in her leg that brought her to the floor gasping for like over a minute. I was super scared, and Mom was too, as we had no idea what to do. I almost had to call 911. Crazy woman hasn't gone to the doctor about it, to my knowledge. Would you ever consider growing your hair out to your waist, or longer? NOOOO NO NO. I am probably having short hair for the rest of my life. Is there anywhere in your house that you're scared to be alone in? No. What is your favorite shoe brand? I don't have one. What weird things did you do as a small child? I was just a weird kid in general. I did a lotta stuff that would make people raise a brow. Who puts the most pressure on you in your life? My goddamn self. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments? Hell no, I turn red as a cherry and probably cry once I'm in private. Do you have a favourite actor/actress? If so, who? No. Do you like little kids, or do they annoy you? I feel uncomfortable around them. They're too brutally honest, I feel like every move I make is wrong, and I just generally feel incapable of handling them properly. Do you want a small or a large family when you get older? Well, I don't want any kids, so... Are you a good dancer? If not, do you enjoy dancing anyways? No and no. I'd be embarrassed. Have you ever lied to avoid getting into trouble? Yeah. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I'd say two weeks is pretty long, and I was supposed to stay an entire month. I only got out of that by going to court. Do you take a lot of pictures of yourself, or are you camera shy? I HATE being in front of the camera. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? I just like ketchup, mustard, and pickles, really. A bit of diced onion is fine, too. I prefer gas; I hate the charcoal-y taste. You are chosen to have lunch with the president. the condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask? Fuck that, I'd decline going to begin with. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? Popcorn, of course. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email? Pop-up ads. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding? N/A What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Probably like, wrestling. Golf. Sports in general. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? I haven't tried it yet. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? I always just use chocolate syrup. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? CHRIST, TRAFFIC. Elevators kinda scare me and I'm very scared of being stuck in one. What are you sitting on right now? My bed. Are you listening to anything? Halocene's cover of "Killing In The Name." Have you parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Who was the last person to give you money? I have no idea. Have you ever dreamed of someone you barely know? Actually yeah. Weird as hell. When was the most recent time, if ever, that you felt “impostor syndrome,” or that you felt unqualified to be somewhere? Hm. I suppose when I went to the doctor by myself for my foot. I'd never done an appointment without Mom at all, and I was veeery clueless to a lot of steps, questions, etc. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Some TV shows, I guess. Or games, even. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? No. I was expected to always be doing something. I'd consider that to be pretty unlucky, as it sounds boring and pointless. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I don't know. Mom has admitted me yelling has scared her before, though. I can yell pretty fucking loudly. But she herself never felt threatened. And do I think I could be seen as scary? Yes. Especially given my chronic fucking nightmares that almost always involve confrontation. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) I am VERY much a "words of affirmation" person. I NEED reassurance that I'm adequate and sincerely loved. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I become very snappy and more reclusive than usual. I cry really easily. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends on what it is, but I've generally needed to wean myself off of things when necessary. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I am very turned off by animal breeds/types that are subject to serious health issues, such as pugs, dachsunds, Persians, spider ball pythons... Just don't fucking breed them. Ironically, some of these are the cutest, but I care far more about the health of the animal. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yes and yes. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't believe so, no. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job, for Heaven's sake, and actually managing to keep it. I've proven inept in this area so far, so, I've already failed that. :^) If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? Jason and I kinda casually talked about kids early in our relationship, at which time I didn't see myself wanting them at all and he did at some point. It didn't really bother either of us, though; it was something we'd figure out if we actually got anywhere. Then he became the only person I could ever imagine myself having kids with. Life's funny.

[purplesurveys]

782

Your ten favorite movies

Movie number one: Two for the Road (surprise surprise) 1) Who's the main actor? Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney. 2) When did it come out? Pretty long time ago. It came out in 1967 if I’m not mistaken. 3) What's the genre? Romantic comedy and drama. 4) Do you know where it was filmed at? Yeah, as far as I know the whole film was shot on location throughout southern France. 5) How old were you when you saw it? I don’t actually remember the exact year anymore, but it was either in 2013 or 2014, which makes me 15 or 16 when I watched it for the first time.

Movie number two: Good Will Hunting 1) Who's an actress in this movie? Minnie Driver, and she did such a fantastic fucking job with her role.

2) Out of 10 stars you'd give it? 9.5. The part where Robin Williams and the actor playing the math teacher handle their differences was a bit blah for me, but the film was otherwise perfect. 3) Did it have a surprise ending? I wouldn’t call it a surprise. It was a well-deserved ending for the main character and I’m sure everyone who’s ever watched this movie rooted for such an ending as well. 4) How long was it? Around two hours? idk I never checked. 5) Did you first see it in theatres? Hahahaha definitely not. It came out five months before I was born. Movie number three: A Clockwork Orange 1) What's this movie rated? Like, in terms of parental advice or its score? I’m not sure so I’ll put both. The film in all its unedited glory got an X rating which is real fucking understandable given that, in my opinion, this was Kubrick’s most intense work; though in my research just now they were able to tone it down to R after Kubrick edited out a certain scene. As for its score, it holds an 87% in Rotten Tomatoes and 8.3/10 on IMDb. 2) Did critics approve of it? Critics definitely approved of it as a piece of film, but I’m sure it was very uncomfortable for the viewing public. 3) Who were you with when you saw it? I watched it on my own. I didn’t know what it was gonna be about, so I was in for the shock of my life when Alex and his droogs broke into the first house. 4) Did this movie make you cry? No but it made me feel uneasy. 5) Who are five actors/actresses in this movie? I only remember Malcolm MacDowell, who played the lead character. I’m honestly not familiar with the other actors. Movie number four: Revolutionary Road 1) Is the main actor your favorite actor? One of them is - Kate Winslet. I’m alright with Leonardo DiCaprio but he isn’t my favorite. 2) Do you know how old he is? Kate Winslet? Not so sure, but I think she’s like 45. 3) Did this movie make you laugh? This movie is not to be laughed at lol 4) Last time you watched it? A few months ago before they took it out of Netflix forever, ugh. 5) Are you the appropiate age to see it by yourself? Yes. And I would rather watch it by myself, because it’s a lot to take in. Movie number five: Gone with the Wind 1) What made you mad about this movie? The racism that surrounded the film makes me angry. For example, the actress who played Mammy (Hattie McDaniel) was the first black actor to be nominated for an Oscar, but she wasn’t even allowed to attend the ceremony where she was nominated in. It took one Clark Gable throwing a fit and threatening to boycott the event for the higher-ups to finally agree on Hattie attending the Oscars. 2) Was it based on a true story? It was based on real historical events, but the story itself wasn’t real. 3) Do you wish it was real in any way? It kinda was. 4) So what's it about, anyways? This is really not one of those movies you can explain in one sentence lol but uh rich privileged southern belle gets entangled in the Civil War, marries thrice and never for love, everyone around her dies, and once she’s left alone we see her fend for herself and start building a life of her own. That doesn’t even do the movie justice and if you really wanna know, best to watch all four hours of it. 5) Did they make a video game out of this movie? OMG no, that would be in such poor taste. Movie number six: Room 1) Did this movie bore you at any time? Not at all. It had me invested from start to finish. 2) Was there a kiss scene? I don’t know, I don’t think so. 3) Who was the protagonist (main character)? Brie Larson plays the lead role, but I’ve forgotten her character’s name, or if she even had one. 4) Have you seen this movie more than once? Absolutely. This was my favorite film for a brief period and I watched it everyday then. 5) Last time you saw it? 2016, probably. Movie number seven: Roman Holiday 1) What is this movie's genre? Romantic comedy. 2) Are there any kid actors in this movie? Nopes. 3) Where did it all take place? A biiiiiiig chunk of the movie was shot on location in Rome.  4) Who was the biggest star in the movie? Gregory Peck. Swoon. Fun movie fact! This was Audrey Hepburn’s feature film debut, and originally the studio was to give her a much smaller billing at the start of the movie compared to Gregory. He had an inkling Audrey was gonna end up super popular once the film got released, so he told the studio to give her equal billing, which technically made her also the big star in the movie alongside Gregory. He wasn’t wrong. 5) What year did it come out? 1953. Movie number eight: Requiem For A Dream 1) Main actor and/or actress? Oh dude, a lot. This movie didn’t fuck around with its cast lol you had Jared Leto, Ellen Burstyn, Jennifer Connelly, and Marlon Wayans. 2) Is this a one-time only movie? I have no idea what you mean by this. 3) Is it a sequel to anything? Nopes. 4) How much money did it make? Bruh I don’t know lmao? I’ll have to Google that - Wikipedia says it made $7.4 million. 5) Favorite part? It’s not my favorite part because it makes me happy, but for me the most memorable scene was when the mom was at the peak of her addiction and her refrigerator came to life. The montage in the end also gave me goosebumps. Movie number nine: Carol 1) When did you first see this movie? 2015. It was one of the factors that made Gab and I reconcile as friends, so I’m super thankful that this film allowed us to bond. 2) Did it take a second time for you to like it? Not at all. I was in love with it from the very beginning. 3) Does it have a happy ending? Yes. 4) Who would you recommend it to? People who want an LGBT film with a happy ending. 5) What's its theme song? It doesn’t really have one, but its score was composed by Carter Burwell. OH I just remembered Billie Holiday’s Easy Living was featured prominently in one scene, but it’s not really the movie’s theme song. Movie number ten: Portrait of a Lady on Fire 1) Do you still have the movie ticket? I think mine is still with Gabie, if she kept it. 2) Favorite part? Everything about this movie was beautiful. I loved when Héloïse’s dress caught on fire, when Marianne was drawing Héloïse in her sleep, when Marianne finally saw her vision come to life, when Marianne attended the exhibit and saw the painting of Héloïse...and that final fucking scene. 3) Were there any songs you knew in this movie? Nope. I don’t remember if they played any songs. 4) A quote from this movie: “In solitude, I felt the liberty you spoke of. But I also felt your absence.” and “Do all lovers feel they’re inventing something?” 5) Were the main actors/actresses a perfect match or not so much? Yes they FREAKING WERE AAAAHHHHHHHH Random Questions 1) Which one have you seen most on DVD? Gone with the Wind, but only because it’s the only film in this selection that I have on DVD. 2) Which one have you seen most in theatres? Other than Portrait, I didn’t get to catch these in the cinema. 3) Did your parents like any of them? They haven’t seen any of the movies I picked. 4) Which one did you see with your best friend? Carol and Portrait hahahaha, both lesbian movies. She was the one who made me watch them in the first place too. 5) Would you see #1 again? Over and over again. I will never grow tired of it. 6) Is #4 a movie you can only watch every once in a while? Yes, super accurate. The subject matter is very heavy to begin with, so pair that with superb acting and you’ve got yourself a movie that’s hard to get through. 7) Was #5 hard to understand? Only because it’s sooooo long and there are so many plots and subplots. Also, as someone who has never actually read about the Civil War in full detail, it has also hampered my understanding of some of the events in the movie. 8) Did you see #2 the day it came out? I didn’t see it until like, 18 years after its original release. 9) Do you have #3's movie ticket still? I never had it to begin with. 10) Are there any sequels to these movies coming out? As far as I know, no. 11) Does your best friend like #9? Gabie’s very in love with it. She once kept count of how many times she had watched it when it first leaked on the internet loooool and if I remember correctly her watch count peaked at 126. 12) Did #10 have horrible special effects? No. 13) Who directed #6? Lenny Abrahamson. 14) Did #8 scare you? Absolutely. I needed a long-ass break from everything after I finished it lmao. 15) Does #7 have a better effect at night? No. The effect has been the same for me whatever time I watch it.

[fairy-space]

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

The post under the cut talks about mental illness, knives, death. I just wanted to post a trigger warning before any of you go and start reading it. 

But it’s an important story, nonetheless. 

Guh. Okay. So this is something I have always had a hard time talking about because it confuses me and thinking about sometimes is a little triggering. But considering my situation and how many people follow me here, I want to reach out by telling this story in case anyone is confused and suffering like I was when this all started.

I have a form of O.C.D. called R.O.C.D. - Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

A lot of young people struggle with relationships. A lot of older people do too. But a very miniscule pecentage of people suffer from this form of O.C.D.

Every type of O.C.D. is different but this is what they all share (quoted from mayoclinic): repeated, persistent and unwanted thoughts, urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety.

So yeah, a lot of the time we hear about O.C.D. being about people getting distressed over cleanliness or if they don't flip a light switch a certain amount of times and in a certain way then their whole family will die. To anyone without O.C.D., these thoughts might seem like normal thoughts, but in others - it's a completely different story.

I was 8 years old when I experienced my first onset.

It was summer of 2005 and my family and I had just gotten home from seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It's about 10 o'clock at night and we're all going to our rooms as soon as we get home. My two sisters and I all shared a basement bedroom. Oftentimes my mom would come into the room and open the window to let fresh air in, even though I hated when she did that. She left it open that day. Being that it is a basement bedroom the window has a window well, which meant one thing to me as a kid: there's spiders in there. I hated spiders.

It was getting cold that night and because I didn't like touching the window I tried to make my younger sister close the window for me. Not having any of my shit, she refuses. So we get into a classic elementary school aged kid fight. I slap her on the back, and then she bites me so hard on my right arm that I nearly started bleeding. I run upstairs to tell on her and explain what had just happened to my mom. Her then-husband that we'll just refer to as "jackass" called my sister upstairs and yelled at my sister for biting me. "You know, biting someone like that could kill a person! Next time you bite ANYONE I'll pull all your teeth out!" he threatened. My sister, scared of what he just said, covers her mouth. Okay. We're told to go to bed and to quit fighting with each other, etc. We go to bed. It's lights out. My sisters have no trouble falling asleep, but for some reason I just can't.

"Biting someone like that could kill a person!"

"Kill a person!"

"KILL A PERSON!"

"-COULD K I L L  A  P E R S O N !"

I lay wide awake in bed thinking about the bite that was still on my arm.

"Am I going to die?" my head repeated.

Eventually it became so distressful for me that I ran upstairs to my mom's room, crying, and knocked on her door.

Jackass was angry that I wasn't asleep. My mom opened the door. I'd obviously woken her up. She asks me why I'm still awake.

"Mom," I sobbed out "i don't wanna die."

Annoyed that I'm still going on about it, she tells me that I'm not going to die. Jackass yells at me for still being up and tells me to go back to my room. That night I cried myself to sleep.

For the next few months of my life I was a complete nervous wreck. For some reason I couldn't shake the feeling of fear that I had from that night. I began to notice everything around me that could potentially kill me. Household chemicals, dish soap, laundry detergent, etc. I was constantly washing my hands in case anything got on me that could've been toxic. My hands became so dry that they were cracked and bleeding. In my head the thought of dying was repeating itself over and over and over. I was stressed. I was tired.

And then the other thoughts started.

Trying to lay in bed one night I distinctly remember when my brain suddenly went "What if you went upstairs into the kitchen, grabbed a steak knife, and slit your wrists open. What if you tried it. What if you tried it. WHAT IF YOU TRIED IT. WHAT IF YOU TRIED IT." The thought of it made me so scared that I would start crying.

For multiple nights I had to resist the compulsion to go upstairs and grab the knife. It wouldn't leave me alone. Eventually I gave in to it and went to the kitchen late at night, in the darkness, pulled out a steak knife, and stood there, frozen, just staring at it. I can't remember how long I stood there but eventually I put it away and went back to my room. It seems like that finally put an end to it.

But of course! Yet another string of disturbing thoughts wouldn't leave me alone!

I was in the middle of my 3rd grade class when all of the sudden the thought popped into my head "What if your mom or grandma got into a car crash. What if they died."

This is where the grown ups around me finally started to take notice of what was happening to me. The thoughts of my mom or grandma dying in a car crash were so graphic in my mind that I would start crying in my class. My teacher stopped by my desk to make sure I was okay and then sent me to the counselors office where we called my mom and I talked to her on the phone and told her what was happening in my head. I remember my mom almost crying on the phone because she just wanted to hug me so I knew she was okay. For about two or three months after that I had numerous scheduled visits with the school counselor. Her name was Ms. Wilkins and she was the kindest person to me during that time in my life. I don't know if she's out there, but I hope she knows that she was one of the few comforts I had as an 8 year old. I want to thank her for taking me seriously when I felt like hardly anyone would.

My mom noticed that I had stopped playing, laughing, singing, and eating like I usually would. She tried to cheer me up by having a silly string fight in the basement. The silly string stuck to the cement walls for 8 years.

After some point the thoughts eventually subsided, and I can't remember anything between the third grade until high school where my second onset started.

I was a sophomore.

It was December of 2012. I had been dating my first actual boyfriend for 8 months. Everything was fine - normal even - I was having fun! High school was new and exciting and there was so much for me to do. I remember the thoughts starting the same way all the other ones did - suddenly. But for some reason I kept having them and they weren't going away. I began losing sleep and couldn't sleep alone. I started sleeping in my little brother and little sister's room because then I knew I wasn't alone at night.

These thoughts were different from what I had before. They were all about my boyfriend? That's new. I started thinking it was just normal anxiety and nothing to be worried about...until I was having panic attacks every. Single. Day.

I would constantly have these thoughts that my (now ex) boyfriend would break up with me (which did end up happening but eh, what can you do), cheat on me, etc. My mind was consistently pointing out flaws in our relationship and telling me that because "he's an aquarius and I'm a scorpio we're not compatible and it's not going to work out". I know that sounds silly...but at one point the zodiac became such a point of distress for me that I had to drop it altogether. I mean I couldn't even look at any of it, not even for fun.

At other times I was constantly doubting the thought of whether or not I loved my boyfriend, and as a result of the stress, I was unable to feel a full range of emotions, including the positive ones I would often get from him. That would send me down even further. Other distressing thoughts would include "Do I act like myself when I'm around him?" "Can I act like myself around his family?"

I was always being bombarded with the compulsion to break up with him. They became so intense that at one point I almost went through with it (in the future this symptom would come back to haunt me and I actually went through with it twice during other ventures). I've developed what are called "checking" behviors as well. "Checking" behaviors are when your O.C.D. tricks you into questioning the thoughts to make sure everything is okay, but what it's actually doing is making the symptom worse because you're giving the thought substance to begin with.

Often times I would feel too anxious or too depressed to really do anything because of this. I had "lost" my sense of passion in the relationship (at intervals) because I was constantly checking to see that it was still there and that would stress me out further. I would constantly Google what a healthy relationship would look like and I was obsessed with making sure that we fit whatever it was I found. These intensive Google searching periods would often lead to panic attacks.

Any time a romantic movie/situation was on TV I had to leave the room or change the program because it would give me panic attacks. Most notably Jim Halpert and Pam Beasley from "The Office" were a big trigger for me. I used to think that Roy (Pam's ex boyfriend) reminded me of my high school boyfriend. My thoughts would go "Well he looks kind of like my boyfriend, and I relate to Pam, and they broke up, so that means we're going to break up!" There was hardly any base of logic or truth in any of what was happening in my head. It was - and still is - all irrational.

After the relationship with my high school boyfriend had ended, I didn't really date around too much. But I was always thinking about what had happened and why, when I was suddenly single, did most of my anxiety and panic attacks stop? I began reading book upon book about self help and "how to make myself ready for love" because that's what I thought the problem was. It wasn't me and never was me...it was my brain.

Then...I met Tyler. Well, I met him online. At first I didn't want anything to do with him. He just added me on a whim because he thought I was cute. So I accepted his Facebook request and after months of communicating online we realized that we had fallen in love with each other. We met in person over a year ago. I noticed at the beginning of our relationship that these feelings of fear and anxiety had come back. I was so frustrated when they did, lmao. It just proved again that it had to be something with relationships! But this time I was careful to examine the way that this anxiety was acting. I made sure to talk to people when I felt scared. Luckily my sister and her boyfriend (that helped get Tyler and I together in the first place) were there to help me transition into the relationship. Eventually I lost the training wheels and we were and are still doing just fine. I noticed the symptoms came and went and I explained to Tyler the nature of my anxiety and without my knowledge began to actually take the reigns of my R.O.C.D.

I remembered that during high school I was sent to an actual therapist for my panic attacks. She had diagnosed me with G.A.D. (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) with O.C.D. tendencies after some months of treament. At this point in my life, I was more curious about the O.C.D. tendencies than having G.A.D. (which I now know was a misdiagnosis - if I continued treatment I know she would've gotten to the actual root of the problem). I now have a rule that I cannot Google anything pertaining to relationships or relationship advice because it is a compulsion to do so. However - I decided one day to Google the two words that finally clicked into place in my head when I was thinking about it: "relationship ocd". And to my surprise, it's an actual subset of O.C.D.! I was suffering silently for SIX YEARS and I've finally put a name to what's been causing me so much trouble!

Some days are worse than others, I can tell you that. Some days are really good too. But if you are suffering the same way I did, it's okay. You're not alone. There's guaranteed to be more than one person that feels the way you do. I was lucky enough to find a Facebook support group for the disorder and after reading people's stories in the group I felt like I had finally found some solid ground. All I have to give is love to anyone that has suffered from this subset or any other subset of O.C.D.

Treatment is out there. Recovery is possible. You are not alone.

I know this story was a little winded and quite long, but it's an important one for me to tell. I am very embarrassed talking about my symptoms to people that have no idea what it's like to deal with it. Some people know that I have O.C.D. but I can't ever tell them what kind. So that's why I'm telling this story. I want to become more comfortable with the fact that it is a part of me and that it's just something that's there. It's not a reflection of me as a person, it's just something that developed because the people in my family are at risk for developing anxiety disorders...

...And this one is mine.

[thefilmjournal]

Hereditary (2018)

Writer & Director: Ari Aster

Starring: Toni Collette, Alex Wolff, Milly Shapiro, Gabriel Byrne

Rating: R (horror violence, disturbing images, drug use, and brief graphic nudity)

I had been very much looking forward to seeing Hereditary. I like to call myself a fan of horror, though it seems almost rare for me to actually like one categorized as such. I’m a bit picky, and I think that’s a common thing within the genre--everyone having their own elements they look for in a ‘good’ horror movie. 

I look for horror that will leave a psychological mark. I want something that makes me think about it well after I’ve walked out of the theater. Each A24 film I’ve seen so far has given me something to think about. Though those that I have in mind aren’t categorized as horror. Ex Machina is one that was thought-provoking for me. A more recent one, The Florida Project, and especially its ending, gave me something to think about. I thought if Hereditary could give me that, I would be satisfied.

Based on its trailer, Hereditary definitely seemed to fit the description of the type of horror film I look for. The miniatures, as well as the actress playing Toni Collette’s daughter, Milly Shapiro, were instantly interesting and attention-grabbing. The trailer also includes a great quote from Richard Lawson of Vanity Fair that really sold me: “An unsettling look at what demons we may have inherited from our parents.” 

If you haven’t seen the trailer, you can check it out below!

I was fortunate enough to be able to attend an advanced screening of Hereditary a couple of nights ago. I’d never been to one before, and you know what? They don’t show previews! Or, at least they didn’t that night. That was slightly uncomfortable for me. In any case, here’s what I’ll say before I get into some spoilers: 

It got a good reaction out of me: my eyes would widen in shock and fear, my jaw dropped, and my hands glued themselves to my face for lengthy periods of time. I think it’s worth mentioning that some of the critics in the audience were vocal throughout. I gotta say, especially after watching the movie, that it was marketed very well. By the time the movie had finished, I was very taken aback by everything I had seen and was so affected even after I had already returned home from the theater. Hereditary doesn’t rely on cheap tricks the way tons of modern horror movies tend to do--it’s more bothersome and dark. So, I did not leave let down. While Toni Collette was incredible in the leading role and truly deserves an Oscar (I don’t say that lightly at all), I think we need to give more praise to Alex Wolff than he is currently receiving. 

Spoilers beyond this point! Thanks for reading! 

(Image from IMDb)

The Element of Surprise

Earlier when I said Hereditary was marketed very well, I meant that I expected the plot to go a certain way and it didn’t. Coming into the screening, I assumed that because we were shown a clip in the trailer of Charlie cutting a bird’s head off with scissors, we would follow a story about a disturbed child. Presumably, this behavior would be something you could trace back to Toni Collette’s character or her mother, or both of them--something hereditary! I predicted we would maybe see Charlie go on a killing spree, even if it was more animals. 

The fact that Charlie dies so early on came as a huge shock. You’re set up to consider her a main focus of the movie and instead, she is brutally decapitated. And actually, the movie still revolves around her character. She just isn’t the focus the way most people would expect, which was not only surprising but refreshing.

While there is plenty of disturbing content within the storyline, one of the more unsettling things the movie does for the viewer experience is kill the expectations the audience came in with. After Charlie’s death, I found that I was uncomfortable not knowing what to expect. Throughout the movie I would make guesses as to what would happen next or what something meant, and after enough wrong guesses, I had to surrender. There are plenty of horror movies that seem to follow a formula. So, eventually, you come to have certain expectations when watching them. Here, you become as unaware as the Graham family, and that’s truly the most frightening thing of all: the unknown. 

(Image from Google)

Fear of the Dark

We can’t see as well in the dark and even if we know what’s usually there, things can begin to take on another form and our imaginations roll with it. For myself, I’ll see a pile of clothing or my backpack in the dark and my mind will tend to morphe those things into a human-like figure. I'll sometimes anticipate that happening as I lay down for bed and not want to look into my bathroom or at the hallway because I am afraid of even imagining a figure standing there. Hereditary includes a scene involving that scenario. It takes place in Peter’s bedroom, playing on a fear a lot of us share: seeing something or someone that isn’t supposed to be there.

I think we can all agree that darkness tends to be a necessary element to include in a horror movie. It is tailored nicely into this storyline and expands on that notion of fear of the unknown. Annie sleepwalks, and evidently, according to one of her miniatures, so did Annie’s recently deceased mother. We are given the information that Annie has almost killed herself and her children while in that state. Knowing that history leaves holding your breath during all subsequent sleepwalking scenes. And, of course, we have the seance scenes that give us more scary time in the dark.

While darkness is a tool used to make the film scarier, it did not feel forced in its use here nor did it come across as an obvious device. Something that horror movies like to do, in reference to that second point, is give us jump scares that end up being false alarms. Just when you think the story and action will progress, the scare ends up being some goofy friend or an animal in a bush.

(Image from Google)

The Use of Color

I read an article recently that pointed out the use of the color red in a shot. It said that red was meant to indicate danger to the audience. It seems obvious, but it was not something I necessarily paid attention to in the past. Having just learned this, I made sure to look for red in the movie. 

I noticed that most, if not all, of the examples given in the article signaled immediate danger. I cannot recall the exact examples given, but a similar one I noticed today was in The Force Awakens when Kylo Ren kills Han Solo. The main source of red in Hereditary came from the heaters inside of the tree house. Naturally, I expected that something would happen to Annie while she slept in there or that something sinister would manifest itself. Red in this case was not signaling an immediate danger but was hinting at the evil that would take place there at the end. 

The heats display orange twice. Once in the beginning when we know Charlie is inside the tree house and once at the end. During the end scene, people are in the tree house ready to receive Charlie who is now, or has just found out she is, King Paimon. Although the orange color was a result of candlelight that time around, I am inclined to believe that because the ceremony was being held in her honor, the choice to have Charlie wear an orange hoodie while she was alive was purposeful. In West Side Story, as an example, the gangs are assigned a color or color palettes. Charlie’s been assigned orange. Using the orange in the tree house at the end signaled Charlie’s return.  

Like I said, I can be picky with horror. There are not a whole lot of recent horror films I am into, they are mostly from the ‘60s and ‘70s. Hereditary, however, is one I am eager to see again. I am hearing a lot of praise for the score, and I usually pay close attention to scores, but I must admit that for this, I was so wrapped up in what was going on that I can’t remember what the music must have sounded like, I was that hooked. 

[lilacnestor-blog]

Christmas With the Egos

I’m sorry that I’m posting so late, but I’ve just spent the last two hours writing this and need to post it before I pass out. Thanks to @incorrect-ego-quotes for providing me with the Christmas post that inspired this. I’m sorry it’s a mess and kind of sad at the end? I have to get in a little bit of angst, but it gets happy with like the last sentence, so it’s okay.

---

Ah, Christmas. The one time everybody actually gets along. Ever since the Egoiplier meeting a few weeks ago where they discussed having a Christmas party, and Darkiplier begrudgingly suggested Markiplier Manor as a spot to host it, everyone's been on board trying to get it set up. We take you now to that very house, Christmas Eve, at about seven pm. The Jacksepticegos arrived about an hour ago, and now, the party's in full swing.

Marvin the Magician has just conjured up a blanket of fake snow out in the yard and is building a snowman with Mark Bop, who's babbling in that strange language that only he can understand. I heard they're trying to teach the poor kid sign language, seeing as he either can't or refuses to learn English. Dapper Jack, who seems to have become fast friends with the babbling ego, perhaps over their shared speaking conditions, has noticed the snow and is making snow angels. Dapper Jack signs something to Mark Bop, and Mark Bop babbles for a minute before hesitantly signing something back, making both Marvin and Dapper Jack beam. I guess Marvin knows sign language as well. And now they're hugging. Could this get any closer to a Hallmark movie moment?

We now take you inside the house, where Wilford Warfstache, verifiable psychopath, has a captive audience of both Jims, not that I've ever seen one without the other, and is telling them stories about Krampus, who, according to him, is an old friend from college. Oh, the good old days of demon college? The whole thing makes no sense, especially since Wil isn't even a demon, or at least he wasn't the last time I checked, but he's succeeded in scaring the living daylights out of the naive Jims, who will probably now have nightmares about Krampus for the next week. Good going, Wilford.

Oh, finally, a responsible adult ego. Googleplier is in one of the manor's living rooms and is furiously wrapping presents, while a nervous-looking Silver Shepard brings him mug after mug of hot chocolate, which Google proceeds to chug before going back to wrapping. Though the hot chocolate could easily be coffee, from here it's hard to tell. Or maybe it's just spiked and Google just wants to get really, really drunk. Silver is getting more and more agitated as the mugs start to pile up, it's quite hilarious. Eventually, he just takes about eight used mugs in his arms and carefully carries them out to the kitchen, where he proceeds to wash them out and refill them with hot chocolate, bringing them back out one by one.

Also in the kitchen, Artiplier is baking tray after tray of Christmas cookies, cutting them into various shapes while a confused Rob Zombie watches on. Arty eventually gives Rob a finished, beautifully iced cookie, and the zombie takes a bite as if he's not sure what to expect. His eyes light up, and he mumbles something, to which Arty leads him over to the cookie cutters and guides him through the process. They complete the next batch together, and Rob even helps ice them, although he's not as good as Artiplier, of course, he still manages to get the job done. Arty smiles at him, and they start on the next batch. They're soon a well-oiled team, Rob cutting the cookies and putting them in the oven, and Arty icing them, intricate designs made from sprinkles and buttercream icing of every color of the rainbow decorating the freshly baked cookies.

Meanwhile, on the not-so-pure side of things, Antisepticeye has just spiked the eggnog by pouring an entire bottle of Jack Daniels into it. And yes, I see the pun there. But more on that later, I'm sure this situation will provide for an extraordinarily fun night.

We now momentarily take you outside of Markiplier Manor, to the local Target, where pandemonium has erupted, and, unsurprisingly, it appears to be Yandereplier's fault. Yandere has now threatened three shoppers with their katana, and Ed Edgar, who appears to have been sent to keep an eye on them, is desperately trying to defuse the situation. I never thought I'd see the day where Ed Edgar was the reasonable one in any situation, but here we are. The item that Yandereplier appears to be ready to kill for is... a Furby. Oh, god, it's a Furby. I would question why Yandereplier thinks that's a good last-minute Christmas present, but since when have they made any sense? Ed Edgar appears to now be giving the traumatized shoppers cash, throwing some at the register, and dragging Yandere and the Furby out of the store. Man, I didn't know they still even made Furbies. I thought they all died back in 2012. Ed Edgar now appears to be lecturing Yandere about how many people they just had to pay off and how much "profits" they lost. I don't think I even want to know what these profits are from. I'm just going to hope they're from Mark's YouTube channel. I still wonder who's going to open their present on Christmas day and receive a slightly bloody Furby.

In an office of the manor that seems familiar, but you can't place why, the Host is narrating himself while already planning out the New Years Eve party that will be held here in a few days time. I'm pretty sure he's been in here since before the Jacksepticegos arrived. He hasn't come out to enjoy the party at all, he's just been narrating various party supplies that write themselves down into a neat list on the desk, and making notes about possible bartenders and musicians to book, mumbling something about classical music being the only thing they play or so help him god. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door of the office, which startles the Host out of his rambling and he narrates the door to open, only to find Bim Trimmer standing there holding two mugs of what appears to be the spiked eggnog, although Bim certainly doesn't know that. What follows is a disgustingly adorable display of affection between the two of them as they socialize while drinking eggnog, and Bim tells the Host not to overwork himself and to come out and enjoy the party. Now I'm not sure if a ship between two egos of the same person is like incest or not, but I can definitely tell you, it looks like Bim has already had a few mugs of eggnog, and is slightly tipsy. You get the gist. Disgustingly adorable, like I said.

Back out in the living room, Bingiplier has apparently challenged Dr. Iplier to a drinking contest, having noticed the eggnog is spiked, and Dr. Iplier has declined because of alcohol intolerance, which is strange because shouldn't that also mean Bing can't drink? I'm not entirely sure how that works, but I can tell you that Bing is chugging eggnog like his life depends on it. And now Bing is running to the bathroom, about to puke, and Dr. Iplier is reluctantly following him, saying something about how he knew this would happen. Bing is now throwing up spiked eggnog and Dr. Iplier is offering mostly unhelpful advice. See, I knew this would turn out hilarious.

The other doctor, Dr. Schneeplestein, is in the living room where Bing just chugged eggnog, and after being slightly amused at that situation, has gone back to reading some large, medical-looking book. He appears to be sulking and every so often mumbles something about this whole thing being stupid, Christmas being useless, or him being dragged to this party. Jackieboyman now appears to be approaching him. Let's get a look at this juicy dialogue. "Henrik, why are you pouting?"

"I'm not pouting, Jackie, I'm sulking. There's a difference."

"It's Christmas, Henrik, the least you can do is have a little fun."

"I can't have fun, I'm allergic to it."

"Cut the sarcasm, Henrik, what's wrong? I haven't seen you this down since you played that surgeon simulator game on the computer and you lost your patient."

"Jackie, don't remind me of that. It's just, I don't understand the point of Christmas. I mean, none of us are very religious, so why celebrate it? It's just an excuse to tell people to buy you stuff that you could've just bought yourself."

"Henrik, you don't understand. It's not about the gifts. It's not even about the religious part of it, or at least it isn't for us. It's about all of us being together, telling Christmas stories we've all heard ten thousand times and having fun. Christmas is about family. It's about having fun with people you care about."

"That's nice and all, Jackie, but it's not like that for me. There's no Christmas magic. There's no believing in Santa Claus, and there never was. There were no Christmas stories, I don't even know if I can name more than five Christmas songs. This is just such a new thing for me. I know most of the other septic egos understand Christmas, maybe not Robbie, but we can't blame him for that, but I just don't have that. I've never really celebrated it, not in the life fabricated for me when I became an ego. The Schneeplestein family, though they don't exist, never celebrated Christmas, so I don't have any memories, even fictional ones, of it."

"Henrik, why didn't you just tell me? Are you Jewish, should we find a menorah?"

"No, no, I'm not Jewish, it's just I never celebrated it, so I don't understand it."

"Well, I'm going to help you to understand. I'm going to tell you all of the Christmas stories I know, and we can learn all of the Christmas songs, and by the time it's midnight, you will have understood the true meaning of Christmas. But only if you want to, of course."

"Sure, Jackie. I'll learn what Christmas means. It sure beats reading this, anyway."

Aww, look at them, cute and pure and all hung-up on Christmas. I'm pretty sure I've already said this, but it's like something out of a Hallmark movie. Jackieboyman is going to teach Dr. Schneeplestein the true meaning of Christmas, and I'm sure they'll fucking kiss under the mistletoe at midnight, too, because all of this is just too perfect. Look, let's just... find someone else to focus on.

Ahh, there's King of the Squirrels, sitting by the fireplace. He's in a room all to himself, but the fireplace is lit. Perhaps one of the egos magically lit every fireplace in the house when they first got here. King appears to be writing something on a piece of paper, his handwriting messy, like a child's. Chase Brody enters the room and flops onto an armchair, lightly dusted with snow, to which I realize that yes, it has been snowing for a while. Not sure if it's somebody's magic, seeing as a good half of them are reality benders, and there is one genuine magician, or mother nature just adding to the show. When King notices Chase in the room, he keeps writing for a minute, before getting up and bringing his paper over to Chase.

"Is this... good? Did I get everyone? I know not all of them wrote letters, so I included them in mine."

King hands his paper to Chase, who reads it aloud.

"Dear Santa, This year, what I want is for everyone to be happy. I want my squirrel subjects to get all of the food they need. I want Mark Bop to learn how to sign. I want the Jims to take a big case. I want Arty to make a really good painting that he likes. I want Ed Edgar to not have to worry about his profits. I want Dr. Iplier to be able to say people are going to make it instead of telling everyone they're dying. I want Silver Shepard to save the world, and get all of the recognition he deserves. I want Bim to be happy instead of anxious all the time from working for Wil. I want Wilford to produce a sequel to Markiplier TV and have tons of fun working on it. I want the Host to be able to see but still retain his powers because they're awesome. I want Google to be able to feel emotions better because he's not good at that. I want Yandere to finally be happy with their senpai. I want Dark to be able to take over the channel and express emotions that aren't anger. And I want all of the other egos that are visiting to be happy, too, even if I don't know what they want. And for me, all I want is a tree house in that big tree in the courtyard of the Egoplier building, so I can sleep there more comfortably. I hope you get this, KING"

"So is it good?"

"It's beautiful, King. You know, you remind me of my kids. You just want everybody to get along. I think you should definitely send this, I'll even help you mail it."

And now they're hugging. It's stupid that everything has to end up so happy. They're all perfectly fine without me being here, I'm not even sure why I showed up. I'm just the narrator of a fluffy Christmas story, after all. Just here to provide witty commentary. Just here to sit on the roof, in the snow, and look down, sensing everyone below me, having fun. Thank god my powers come in handy, somehow, right?

But, strangely, I sense someone coming up the stairs to the roof. Who else would want to remove themselves from the party when all the fun is down there? It's probably a Septic Ego, coming to tell me that I need to "believe in the spirit of Christmas" because all of the septic egos are all so nice and pure. Even their demon doesn't do anything more than cause a little mayhem now and again. But the door opens, and it's the one person I haven't heard from all night.

"Hello there, Dark," I say to the suit-clad figure standing on the roof.

"Nice to see you, it's been a while. I guess you're not much of a party-goer too, huh?"

"Not exactly. It's not like any of them noticed I showed up. Half of them probably aren't even aware of my existence. They're all caught up in their own worlds, writing letters to Santa, baking cookies, and figuring out the true meaning of Christmas. There's even some stupid fucking romantic action down there, it's like a Hallmark Christmas movie."

"Spying on the egos, now are we? And don't tell me Bim and the Host already hooked up and I missed it, I've been waiting for that all night. I knew it was going to happen as soon as Anti spiked the punch. Bim's such a lightweight, I knew it wouldn't be long before he was spilling his feelings."

"You knew about that? And it wasn't weird? It's not weird that two egos from the same person are hooking up? That's not like incest or anything?"

"Oh, no, not at all. I'm sure you heard Dr. Schneeplestein's whole conversation about fictionalized past lives. Well, we all technically have families. They just don't exist. They only exist in our minds, and only started existing there when we came into existence. None of us are related, except the Jim twins, so it's completely fine."

"Okay, that makes more sense. You know that I just don't understand those things."

"It's completely normal for us, but I do understand how it could be weird for you. You really should rejoin the party. You say people don't acknowledge your presence, but that's because you don't let them. Come down, have some fun."

"You know what, I think I will. You can go back down, I'll be there in a minute."

"Alright, see you in a few, BlankGamePlays."

"I've told you so many times, just call me Blank."

"Fine, fine, but you better get down here before Wil and Anti have a drinking contest. It's going to happen in a few minutes and it's going to be great."

"Okay, I'm coming."

And with that, I stopped being the narrator in other people's lives and started being one of my own. I rejoined the party. I had fun. I laughed when Anti puked on the carpet. I didn't even cringe when I saw Dr. Schneeplestein and Jackieboyman share a small kiss under the mistletoe at midnight. I actually gave them a thumbs up. I had a good Christmas.

[nothingneverforever]

The Good Place (2016)

I chose to start watching this only because I was at a very low point in my life in terms of facing a dearth of TV-derived entertainment, having just finished Virgin River (2019) and Sweet Magnolias (2020). Both Virgin and Sweet are not what you'd call .. uh... productions of any real calibre or value or perhaps worth at all, like you can be certain that no niches were filled when they were realsed into the Netflix ether... But they also happen to be epic masterpieces by sheer fact of how banal and predictable and PG and saccharine and inconsequential they are, the best of the suburban vanilla Hallmark Movie genre, and basically they rock af ok?? and so when I finished both first seasons of the two series I was left empty and thirsty. And it was in this lostness that I turned to The Good Place, thinking it would be as enriching in it's simplicity, as palatable in it's shallow distraction, qualities I generally look for in the fodder to keep my eyes engaged on something that isn't the clock when I do my daily evening indoor cardio.

So maybe I should first set the stage by establishing that I simply fucking hated this series lol. I couldn't get past episode 12 (I know, this makes it sound like i already gave it way more time than it deserved, which is the truth) of the first season, because once I decided I'd had enough, it was really fucking enough and I couldn't give it one more second.

As always, here's my shoddily written premise of the series; I don't want to put much effort into capturing it's essence well because idgaf about this dumb show seriously fucking hate it lol but anyway: Eleanor (Kristen Bell) dies on earth, and goes to 'The Good Place', where all souls who were much more good than bad while living on earth go to upon their death, as opposed to The Bad Place, where the bad people go. There’s some mathematical calculation for this heaven and hell allocation basically. So the good place (i can't be bothered to capitalize it every time i type it anymore lol sorry), is run by a head architect who has designed and is in charge of the neighbourhood our characters live in, and he has a female robot assistant, Janet, who is the omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient right-hand lady who can also be called up by any good place resident who has any question for her, anytime. Anyway Eleanor, after dying on earth, was actually sent to the good place by accident, because she was actually a completely irredeemable asshole but due to some dumb boring never-happened-before error, she was sent to the good place instead of the bad place where she actually was meant to end up. Here she makes a small group of friends, some to whom she is eventually honest about the fact that she does not actually belong in the good place, and it is because of this incorrect placement that the good place is crumbling and its inner workings are going haywire etc and everyone suffers from the consequences. So blah blah blah soon we find out that it is not just her, but also some other guy who is here by mistake, and so blah blah blah etc yupp

So here are the things that suck about this show:

So there’s this other guy who also doesn't belong in the good place and who was also sent there by accident, his name is Jason okay but umm it's complicated because the person he was mistaken as (and the actual 'good person' who was intended to be sent to the good place while Jason was meant to be directed to the bad place) is named Jian Yu, a Taiwanese monk. Jason however is a Filipino-American from Florida and I guess his character is meant to be a stereotypical 'White trash' character, but it's meant to be funny or some shit so we aren't meant to be deeply affected by fact that his life was fucking sad, like how his small-town dreams were meant to be comedic relief for us to laugh at how pathetic he is when ... i dunno, I feel very uncomfortable making a joke out of real-life situations that umm aren't funny at all idk whatever... Oh also the weird (dumb/shitty/lame/thoughtless) thing about the show is how even once it is revealed that Jason is in fact his Jason-y, oblivious, infantile, one-dimensionally-tropey self, the characters who know the truth still continue to call him Jianyu throughout...? But like.... he's not Jianyu lol?

So anyway, Jason is characterised quite disturbingly to be honest as an extremely immature dudebro, to the extent that one could call him child-like. In his unhappiness at being stuck in this weird world where he can't be himself and has to pretend to be Jianyu most of the time (which involves being a complete ascetic as well as silent because the real Jianyu had apparently taken a lifelong oath of silence), Jason latches on to Janet the robot assistant. He says she is the only one who has been kind to him, etc etc etc, and begins ummmm, falling in love with her. But because he's painted as a literal baby with absolutely no rational or critical thinking skills, him falling in love with her is meant to be uhh earnest and sweet or at the very least inconsequential and jokey I guess? But like... this isn't funny...? Not when sex robots are a real thing and will probably lead to the abuse, violation, murder of millions of women in time to come because men will be so used to putting their penises into awfully, scarily 'life-like' dolls whose limbs have been programmed to move and who can even utter words of affirmation to their degenerate users that actual human females will no doubt bear the brunt of being expected to perform in life and in bed similarly to our robotic counterparts...? Yea so the good place disturbingly first makes us almost forced to feel some endearment toward Jason for finding a kindred "soul" in robot Janet, glad that he finally has "someone" to "talk to" (quotation marks cos once again she's a fucking robot), and it's all very "pure" and "wholesome" at first because again, he's portrayed as a fucking kid (one piece I read describes the character as "a sweet ding-dong human"). And then suddenly, about one or two episodes after they fall in love or whatever, Jason says:

You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.

Yeah umm so once again, in case any of you forgot, Janet's a fucking robot. If I use a scale of human consciousness out of 100 where a regular human's sense of self and awareness and independent thinking and authonomy and whatever else makes us human is at 100, Janet is probably at .... 10? at most? So yea.... i guess rape jokes are okay these days? I dunno? Literally how the fuck were there 3 entire seasons of this dumb show after this

Anyway when I attempted to put in *some* effort before I gave up, realising this show wasn't worth my precious weekend downtime, I googled Jason and Janet's relationship to see if there were any other similar voices of dissent but umm apparently, according to the headlines of articles, this is instead public opinion:

The Unlikely Romance of The Good Place’s Janet and Jason

Why Janet And Jason Are The Good Place's Ultimate Love Story, According To The Actors

How Janet and Jason broke the infinite love mold on The Good Place

From these disgusting articles, here are some choice quotes by the actors and crew involved themselves:

And the fact that this should not happen but it does makes it very special. We think that their relationship is really sweet. There's something very innocent and real about their love even though that is insane

Yeah, I always talk about this whenever I get the question, “How does Janet and Jason work?” And my response is always — and I’ve thought about this a lot — Jason is slowly becoming a little bit more aware and intelligent. He’s evolving a little bit, and through Jason, Janet is able to become more emotionally intelligent. She’s feeling these things, whether it be good or bad, through Jason because that’s what Jason is. He’s all these different emotions that he can’t tame, and Janet’s learning that. They’re kind of evolving.

Okay so perhaps I should clarify that Janet the robot goes through a couple of 'deaths' in which she comes back as a rebooted version, and supposedly more 'human' each time. So yeah I guess it's okay to have sex with robots if they actually become 0.0000001% more human-like each time they come back to life though!!!!! Sorry for overreacting guys!!!!!

Seriously though how the fuck are they even using the word 'romance' in good conscience to describe the 'relationship'

Actually as I'm writing this I'm reminded of this video by Pop Culture Detective on youtube, titled "Abduction as Romance". Jonathan the host/video creator goes through various movies through history and from contemporary cinema of this unbelievably damaging and disturbing trope, where women are shown to eventually fall in love with men who have essentially, in some way or another, abducted them, annyway here it is if anyone's interested 

I’m calling up this video because in the shows used as examples in Jonathan’s thesis, the female characters fall in love with the men just because the men happen to be the only choice they have. Okay I actually only managed to get through a quarter of the video because it was too disturbing and too awful to think about how frequently such plot points are used till today and how so much of the shitty love we see on screen is completely abusive in nature (he’s also made another video called Stalking for Love which I’m sure is as eye-opening, i haven’t watched it cos i don’t need to lol, i’m already woke thanks), but anyway the bit that I did manage to watch does remind me of this stupid love story from The Good Place that we’re supposed to be moved by. We’re seriously supposed to believe that Janet, through her reboots and whatever awakenings of consciousness she supposedly has, also has feelings for Jason just because he’s the only pathetic dumbass immature enough to think that he has feelings for her because she’s the only person who’s willing to listen and talk to him properly? When ummmm she’s only listening to you because she’s programmed to...?

Honestly I can't be bothered to talk about freaking Janet and Jason anymore

There are other things that suck about this dumb show

I don't know what kind of character development Eleanor (protagonist) goes through in the seasons that succeed that I shall never be audience to, but she remains unlikable in almost every way in season 1. This is even though the entire premise of the plot is that she learns to become a better person with each day, struggling to distance herself from her past (on earth) where she was every caricature of a selfish, cruel, demeaning, unlikable person ever. The few and short flashbacks we get to her earthly past are so annoyingly annoying that it made it almost impossible for me to continue to care for this charatcer her in her afterlife. I know, being in the profession that i am, i should have a great deal more empathy for her and where she's coming from (and i would if the show was not so fucking shitty), so i'm not hating on the fact that she was such a bad person, more so that the creators of the show did little to give us anything real to hold on to at all. Between boringly unreal dialogue, stilted acting typical of American sitcoms, overly defined character traits again typical of dated, unchallenging and unsophisticated American sitcoms, I honestly can't understand how on earth this is rated 97% on rotten tomatoes... I mean I guess if I actually read the reviews I'd understand but hehe I'm not about that open-minded, balanced POV narrative okie? :)

----------

Updates: Haha so ummm eventually I was too bored / curious so I decided to give this show like it’s fourth chance or something and eventually I ended up finishing the entire series and yes I cried as fuck and yes this series made me feel many feels and no I shall neither take back anything of what I said above nor clarify how or what made me change my opinion on it nor elaborate on why I ended up rather enjoying it :-) bye bye

[anthonycharlestabone]

Having trouble viewing? View in Browser Friday, November 10, 2017 Welcome to Fox News First. Not signed up yet? Click here. Developing now, Friday, Nov. 10, 2017: Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore insists he won't drop out of the race amid sex allegations President Trump sends strong trade message at APEC summit Senate GOP unveils tax plan that clashes with proposal preferred by Trump, House GOP LAPD reportedly forming task force for sex abuse cases in Hollywood THE LEAD STORY: Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore vows he "will never give up the fight" as some members of his own party urge him to drop out of the race after a report of sexual contact with a woman when she was 14 ... 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