#that feels right idk I gotta a thing for men with angelic voices and long hair wtf can I tell ya

[ashesofacheron]

lmao i thought about deleting that tag immediately after i made it so thank u 😭

Gotta give some credit where it’s due 🫡

Sometimes this website really has some of the best shit just wedged away in the tag(s) section.

[blessedboo]

Home | Angel Reyes.

Angel Reyes x Reader

GIF CREDIT: @thedevilsmoonshine

Summary:  Angel has come back from his run feeling extra needy & lost puppy-like. 

Requested: No.

Warnings: None, just that cute, fluffy shet. 

Word Count: 1.4K; Sorry for the weird format, it was easier to write in bullet points, so it’s like a lengthy headcanon thing, kinda? But not? IDK LMAO.

A/N: Would you look at that? She’s back-ish. Finding the time to write has been a real struggle lately, but I’m trying my best to get into it again, sOoOo this is what I came up with (please go easy on me, ah). I love y’all, aaand I hope you enjoy reading - mwah! <3

Being away from Angel was always a struggle.

The only entities to keep you company were your irrational thoughts and constant worries. 

To help ease your mind, you would wipe the bar down and absentmindedly clean away while you waited for the men to come back from their run. 

Soon enough, there he was in all of his gentle giant glory and your world was complete once again. 

Angel stumbled in through the clubhouse door with his head hanging low.

He carried the weight of the world on a slouched back and heavy feet that dragged across the wooden floorboard. 

As if things weren’t bad enough already, he tripped over the threshold.The soft giggle that came from you was not appreciated.

You shook your head and continued to wipe the insides of glasses, biting your lip as you stifled the rest of your laugh. 

Angel’s jaw slacked as he scoffed, throwing you the funniest little nod and a tilt of his head. 

“You got something to say, huh?” Angel prodded with an exaggerated display of machismo, his lips pursing into an unamused expression. “You think that’s funny?”

You inhaled deeply as his towering figure invaded your personal space.The intoxicating aroma of Angel’s cologne, cigarettes and motor oil diffused within the close proximity.

His leather-clad palms slammed onto the tabletop, his face hanging inches above yours from where he stood on the other side of it.

You playfully rolled your eyes while your fingers lightly trailed up and down his tattooed arms. 

Angel gave you a small, sad smile after he felt you visibly relax in his presence, and your heart warmed. 

Tilting your head upwards, you studied his hardened features. As beautiful as they were, his eyes told you everything you needed to know. They were dark, lackluster. 

You helped him slip his gloves off, and he tucked them into the pockets of his kutte. 

Angel sighed loudly as he slowly dropped his forehead to meet yours before cupping your face in his rough hands. 

He placed the lightest kiss on your nose, and whispered,  “I missed you, querida.”

Angel’s thumb skimmed the top of your cheek, back and forth … back and forth, almost as if he was being reacquainted with the feel of you, the natural warmth you emanated. 

Angel was sweaty, his beard was rugged, his voice was gruff, there were patches of blood, soot and dirt on his skin.

And yet, you held onto his wrist, closed your eyes, and let yourself fall into his love, into the arms of an angel that kept himself alive to make it back home to you. 

Angel’s eyes were no longer on yours, but instead focused entirely on the way his fingers glided across your delicate features, and how yours lovingly danced across the back of his hand. 

Taking a hold of your chin, he gently pulled your face closer to capture your lips with his.

His velvet tongue traced the seam of your mouth, coaxing you to let him in, and he groaned lowly when you did. 

Angel’s large, calloused hands clasped around the back of your neck to deepen the kiss.

Without caring for the others around, he moaned against you. He drank up and savored your tenderness, your sweet taste. 

He was so lost in you, your heavenly touch and the yearning you reciprocated.

“Oh, baby … fuck. I really fuckin’—” Angel’s eyes fluttered closed, his head tipping backwards as he gulped. “I really needed that” he choked out breathlessly.

Even after pulling away, his outstretched arms held you, which made him realize that there was still a barrier in between. 

“Stupid ass bar won’t even let me make out with you,” he grumbled with a pout. “Stupid ass design too, and stupid ass wood, and … and dumb fuckin’ … fuckin’ architectural, interior design shit, and wh—”

“Angel! Calm down, just walk around it, baby.” 

You couldn’t help but chuckle at his frustration. You knew he was moody right now, but mans was really about to fight the bar for you.  

He sucked his teeth and furrowed his brows, even flipped his middle finger at it. 

After his temper tantrum, he hopped onto the countertop before swinging his long legs over and landing in front of you. 

“There we go,” he wrapped himself around you, engulfing your body into his strong frame. 

A boyish grin took over his face as he immediately became less tense.

He rested the side of his face on the top of your head while hugging you tight. 

“That was a little dramatic, Angel,” you whispered. He could hear the humor in your tone. 

Angel humphed, “So fuckin’ what?” 

“Baby, I need you to take the attitude down a good couple of notches, yeah?”

“Sorry, mama,” he kissed your hair. “Just got a lot on my mind.”

You rubbed his back soothingly, still caught in the embrace he didn’t want to part away from. 

Every time he felt you wriggle, even slightly, his grip on you got tighter and he would annoyedly murmur in your hair.

“I know, my love. That’s okay. Look, I just have to clean a few more glasses and I’ll be all yours. Wait for me on the couch?” 

Finally releasing you, he nodded. 

You turned around to finish up the chores, but with every step you took, the sound of boots stomping followed right behind you.Turning around, you smirked and cocked an eyebrow at a puppy-eyed Angel.

“Angel … do you need something before you head over there?”

“Mm, nope,” Angel shook his head cluelessly. You paused, squinting your eyes at him.

The look on his tired face was so innocent. His fingers toyed with the waistband of your jeans, simply for the sake of being attached to you, desperate to be close to your body after the run he had. God, he missed you, and he needed you badly. 

You kissed his cheek before going about your business once more, only to have Angel shadowing you from behind. Except now, he was significantly closer - his crotch on your lower back type of close. 

Angel was breathing down your neck and left barely any room for you to move. 

You took a step to the right? Angel took a step to the right.

You stepped back? Angel gripped your hips, wrapped an arm around your waist and shifted you in the direction you wanted to go in. 

Angel’s head dipped down to rest on your shoulder while his hands wandered up and down your sides, or lingered on your belly, or squeezed your thighs. 

He did not want to leave you alone; all he wanted was to be with you and bask in your presence. 

“Angel, babe,” you sighed. “I promise you’ll have me soon, you just gotta let me finish first.”

He nibbled on your ears, his lips brushed the skin of your neck, and then he started sucking there. He enchanted your skin with open-mouthed licking and smooching.  

“Okay, mi dulce,” Angel pressed his cheek against yours, his smushed face rubbing all up on you, and his beard lightly scratching you. “I understand completely.”

“Great, love to hear it. Now, when do you plan on sitting down?” You laughed. 

“Oh, we can sit down if you want,” Angel took your hand in his as the cheekiest smile flourished onto his lips. 

At this point, you realized that finishing up was just not going to happen. Everything you told him went in one ear and out the other. 

As he grabbed onto your ass, you held his face in your palms, “Angel.”

“Heeey,” he winked, flashing a lopsided grin. 

“You’re my everything, you know that?”

He hummed and looked down, not knowing how to react. “You’re mine,” he mumbled. 

You lead him over to the couches in the corner. He pulled you onto his lap, and you snaked your arms around his neck. 

You both settled into each other’s comfort. And for Angel, that also meant stuffing his face into your chest. 

He left kisses all over your tits, his hands groped the swell of your breasts. 

Your fingers slowly ran through his hair, manicured nails moving along his scalp

“Home sweet home,” he let out a muffled groan.

The rest of the night was spent cuddling Angel’s needy self while he praised you, rambled and vented, or napped on your titties.

__________________________________________

MAYANS TAG LIST:

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[Just ask if you’d like to be tagged!]

[sapphicathenas]

first line game

rules: list the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20,  just list them all!). see if there are any patterns, choose your favorite opening line, and then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

thank you for the tag @sistersblack! i will also be including some wips bc i start more than i finish sooo yeah.

love and other burnings · wip · liz/samar, liz/reddington | the blacklist · She knows, later, when the tears have stopped and she can think with a semblance of clarity, that Liz was dead before she got there.

march into the sun (ch8) · wip · root/shaw | poi · Though there is nothing about their lives that could be considered normal, the Machine and Shaw have settled, after quite some time, into somewhat of a routine.

there is a light that never goes out · severus/remus, severus/evan | hp · The crowd gathered tonight is subdued, waiting, fear etched into many of their faces.

where the armor ends · wip · tammy/hannah | ncis nola · Getting drunk feels like the first good decision Tammy has made all day.

ain't gotta hide this heart of mine · harry/cedric | hp · Of all the things Harry could possibly be focusing on, this Potions essay, sitting half-written under his quill that has been hovering mid-thought for the past several minutes, is certainly not one of them.

a perfect and necessary darkness · kim & trudy | chicago pd · She isn't sure what made her go to the district, except maybe that the walls of her apartment felt like they were closing in on her.

in the middle of a heartbreak song · olivia/alex & noah | svu · It's nearly bedtime when Noah's little voice startles Olivia from a stupor.

the sound of silence · kat/adena | the bold type · When she asks herself, weeks later, why she packed up and left New York, Adena tells herself that she was always better at running away.

and i don't know if i'm ever coming home · olivia/alex | svu · We find the defendant guilty.

if our grave was watered by the rain · olivia/alex | svu · "Let's get out of here," Alex says, and the night's tension seems to dissipate.

earth angel · wip · root/shaw, alex/lucy | poi & supergirl · "Alex! Alex, wait up!"

the space between · jj/emily | criminal minds · Emily hates Paris.

and a place in my heart will always be hers · jj/emily | criminal minds · Garcia had once asked Emily how much she loved JJ.

baby, let's go home · jj/emily | criminal minds · She's watching them from her office, through the cracks in the blinds.

let the brokenness be felt until you reach the other side · root/shaw & the machine | poi · At six years old, you told your father you didn't care for the dark.

long live the reckless and the brave · root/shaw | poi · In the end, Root calls Shaw.

i'll bury you by the river, carve your name into the sand · root/shaw, shaw & fusco | poi · Shaw returns to them the same way she left, in a hail of bullets and blood.

march into the sun (ch1) · wip · root/shaw | poi · The armed men had left their vehicles exactly four minutes and twenty-eight seconds ago, leaving the street quiet.

the chaos of stars · unpublished · root/shaw | poi · They ask her what she remembers and she says nothing.

quiet nights poured over ice and tanqueray · kara/cat | supergirl · It takes a little too long for Alex and Maggie's giggles to fade after they leave the bar, and it leaves Kara biting at her lip, fiddling with her straw, tears pricking at her eyes.

okay so i def cheated a little and used mits twice, but hey just count it as a sneak peak. in terms of patterns, uh, a bitch loves commas?? for a lot of my one-shots, i tend to just go for inserting right into the action or just general exposition. not too big on dialogue, but i've done it in some of my older fics. for my favorite, i think it's the first one, because it's an emotional smack in the face which really encapsulates the whole fic lol.

idk who hasn't done this but tagging @maria-de-salinas, @isntthisjustwonderful, @maggiesbell, @wenjoyspark and anyone who wants to!

[itsbangtangang]

Little did she know...

Paring: BTS Jungkook x Tan skin reader (black/brown girl, idk)

Genre: College au | Fluff | A tiny angst | Smut |

Words: 6,200

Warning: Idk, I’m just thirsty asf for this boy

Summary: Jungkook, the only one who melted the Ice queen’s heart, and viceversa.

Chapter 1

You were a kind girl. A kind yet a bad girl.

You are a kind girl because you help people, you are friendly, you go easy with people and you are quite intelligent. But you are considerate a bad girl because you turn down all the boys’ requests. You are not a bad person though, but you hate boys. In college there were a lot of boys, however, you didn't seem interested in any. Even your friends were surprised at your actions.

"Hey Y / N, what do you think about the new Asian group? I think they are so cute! But, not only cute, also great visuals and stunned bodies," said Jane, the friend who always brought gossip.

This Asian group came from Korea. People thinks they are popstars. They look like, but apparently they aren’t, they just came to study like everybody in your campus do.

"Mm, I don't know. I haven't seen them, and I'm sure I don't care at all." You said without even looking away from the book you were reading.

"You're so childish. Are you really not interested in men? Are you a lesbian or something?" Jane said with a frown.

"Of course I am not, dumbass. But if you want a little kiss from me, it's fine. All you have to do is ask babygirl." You said with a playful voice pouting your lips at her.

When you were talking...

"OMFG look! Are they! Oh God that’s Jungkook! He's so fucking handsome. I didn't know that Asians could be so attractive," Jane said in a whisper when she saw the famous group of Asian boys approaching that dining area.

All of them were extremely attractive. In a moment you felt attacked by the incredible beauty that these boys emanated with each step they took in the dining room hallway. Surprising.

"So ... those are the famous guys you say where is the great Jungkook you talk about so much?" You said without taking your eyes off of them.

"Bitch. Yes. I told you this since this morning. I told you that they are exchange students until they finish their respective careers." Jane said.

Apparently the girl knew more than just their arrival.

"Wow! You also know about their sex life? Lol you're too maniacal.". Playfully you raised an eyebrow to your bouncing ass friend who seems too excited about what you asked.

"Of course I do! Apart from being the new university stars, people say they are the baddest boys we can find. I've heard rumors from their Korean classmates where they said their dicks don't fit in their pussies! That is crazy bro!". Jane had a funny and overwhelming tone of voice. Her eyes went wide when she said the last part.

"Wow wow wow. Calm down Jane. How the fuck you know everything abo- No, why do you know that kind of shitty things about them? Are you crazy? Sick? Jesus…". Now it’s time for your eyes to go wide.

“Omg you are so annoying.” She smacked your hand, chuckling at your pained expression.

Maybe, the boys are very handsome, however, you didn't seem interested at all, or at least, not as much as Jane does.

As classes almost started, you and Jane were heading towards the classroom when two of the boys were at the entrance of the class. The boy with pink hair stopped and looked in your direction. It’s beautiful. He's beautiful. He had pink, fleshy lips, his eyes were small but penetrating, his body is exaggeratedly toned and the smile he put on when he saw that you were approaching them was lovely. Instead, the boy next to him was a little taller, with black long hair, dark as his eyes, his front lip was small and denoting his bunny smile, his body was even more muscular than the boy other boy, and in his face was reflected that he is a fuckboy just by following the trail of his gaze located on the ass of the girls entering and leaving the classroom. A whole fuckboy. Smh.

"Omg Y/N! They are looking at us!”. Said Jane feeling overwhelmed by their watching.

"So what? Just enter the classroom." You said feeling a bit nervous because this dark haired boy turned his face towards you. For a moment, you swore he was looking at you like you was a meal. His gaze was on your boobs every time they bounced when you stepped.

You both were about to enter the classroom when:

"Wow! Hello misses". Said the pink haired boy with an angelic smile.

"OMG! Hi handsome boys, nice to meet the two most handsome boys in this area”. Omg. Not today Jane, please no. This girl really was something else.

You just smiled because you weren’t feeling like a crazy bitch jumping just because of the new boys like every girl on the campus.

At the other hand, the other one boy just kept silent, looking at you. When you caught him, he smirked to your way full knowing you were a bit ashamed by the way he bit his lip looking dead straight to your eyes.

“May I know your names?”. Said the lovely boy.

Before you had the chance to answer, Jane had already done it for you. This lil’ hoe

“I’m Jane Parker, and this is my friend Y/N. Nice to meet you guys”. That high pitched voice… but yes, she’s your friend. Your best friend to tell the truth.

“Y/N… nice name”. The smirk never leaved his face, it was kind of part of his handsome face. Honestly you wanted to brush it off.

“Yeah. By the way I’m Jimin, and this is my friend Jungkook. We are kind of new here”. Said this boy named Jimin. Really, his smile is very lovely.

“Great! So why are you guys here?”

“I think we have classes here”. Said Jungkook.

When he finished talking to Jane, que looked at your way again, EYEING you. This boy was looking at you like he had never seen a brown skinned girl ever in his entire life. Of course you were very aware of what he was doing but you didn’t know why he was acting like that with you, only you. Or maybe, this is how he interact with girls, or maybe flirt with girls.

“What do you guys study?”. You asked, just to make him do other things but looking at your side.

“Video making, and Jimin is a computer engineer. Guess what? Everybody have to take this class”. Oh, you were so fucking wrong. He didn’t take his eyes away from you. He even was smirking while biting his bottom lip! Jesus…

“Yeah, that’s true. I’m Y/N´s friend but she’s a freshman so maybe she didn’t know about this…” said Jane eyeing you, searching for a response.

“I gotta go to my seat”. You said changing the subject because you were getting mad.

When you reached your seat, you noticed Jane kept talking to them, then came inside and took a seat. But not her seat with you, instead she was with Jimin. She had leave you alone just so she could seat with one of the new boys. She looked back, saw you see her, and throw a little heart with her fingers while you were narrowing your eyes at her.

Then lucky wasn’t on your side this day, Jungkook were coming to sit with you. It’s not that bad, but your still were the so called “ice queen”.

“Can I?”. He asked but already took the seat. Why would he ask when he can just take it(?

“I don’t know. Do you want to sit here?”. You said with that very fluent sarcasm of yours.

He just laughed. His bunny teeth showing off made his smile genuine. He looked cute.

The class started and you had part of your attention there, but you don’t think the same for Jungkook. You felt his gaze over you a thousand of times but you brushed it off and continued paying attention to the professor.

“And for the final project, you guys need to do a group of four or five partners, choose your subject and please choose each other. Next week you will tell me the subject you had pick and start work on it. Have a good day”. And like this, the professor ended the class. And now you have to find a group were you can be a part.

“What are you looking for?”. Jungkook asked a bit concerned by the look you gave him.

“Huh? I- I’m looking for a group”. You smiled at him but at that moment…

“Ayeee my bootygirl, you in with us?” Jane asked with Jimin by her side.

“Are you kidding me right now? Using that nickname?” You glared at her. How dare she?

“You know I am a hoe for your ass, but the real question here is if you wanna be with us in the project group?” At least she was serious. This time.

You looked at her, then looked at Jimin, then looked at Jungkook, then looked at Jane again. They all were looking at you waiting for your response. You saw Jungkook lick his lips but you were too worried for what could come out of your mouth.

“Well, I guess I have no more options”. You rolled your eyes at them.

“Guess what? We are starting tomorrow so be ready to come to our flat”. Jimin said with a grin on his face. He is cute but that smile seems more like a smirk than a cute grin.

“We what? Oh no boy. This ain’t it. I’m not going to anyone’s flat”. You stated.

“It’s not like you are going alone, Y/N. I may as well go with you. We aren’t best friends for no reason”. She was right, but…

“Why not? Why you look so pressed up about going to boys’ houses?” Stated Jungkook, looking deep in your eyes. You felt he was concerned about it because he thinks he annoys you or you feel uncomfortable being with him.

“We don’t even know each other that well to be in someone’s house. That shit is weird”. It was true, it’s kind of weird when you don’t know them but have to go to their house.

“Well if you want to know us, let’s go to eat something tonight. It’s that okay?” Jimin showed you a face that told you he was being serious about this. Maybe you could trust them. Maybe.

“Are you serious, Jimin? You don’t have t- “. You cut Jane off…

“It’s okay. I’ll be ready at 6:30pm. You better be there”. You said with a very serious tone that had Jane shivering because she knows you weren’t playing.

“Send me your location and I’ll be waiting for you outside your house at 6:30”. Now it was time for Jimin to be smirking at you.

Of course you throw them a smirk before walking outside of the class pulling at Jane’s hand.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you serious? We seriously are going out with them? No no… you really meant what you said?” Asked Jane obviously surprised because of your actions. This was new on you.

“Huh... yeah. I meant it. But you know? I don’t know what to wear, I have nothing new with me. It’s not like college don’t consume everything from me”. You scoffed feeling like a lose puppy.

“Just because we are going out with them thanks to you, I will let you borrow a cute dress of mine”. Jane always let you wear or use her things. She´s like an angel in your life.

“I’m not using one of your “cute” ones because I know what you mean, you ho’ ”. You know for facts that “cute” mean her bitch ass tiny tight dresses. She had always wanted you to wear any of her hoe clothes but you always declined her suggestions.

“Ugh. I’m telling you, if I see you wearing pants it’s going to be the end of your fucking boring life”. Wow. She was cutely mad serious. You love her ass though.

“Okay calm down babygirl. Tell me, what you have in mind?”. You really wanted to try one so, what could go wrong?

Jane go through her wardrobe looking for something you can wear, though she knows not all of her clothes fits you because of your ass. It’s not that you hate it, it’s just a little bigger than hers, and Jane’s mini dresses fits you barely beneath your ass cheeks.

“Okay I think I got it. You know I love your ass, but maybe if you teach me how the fuck you did it that big maybe we could share more clothes”. Jane playfully smacked you then giggled herself by your side to show you the dresses.

She was playing but she always teases you with your booty. Grab it like it´s her toy. Play with it. Sleeps in it. What does not she do with you?

“I think this pale pink one is cute. It matches your skin and is not that short… I guess. Well with an ass like that everything will look shorter than it is”. Okay that’s it.

“Can you stop talking about my ass and give me the damn dress?”. You weren’t mad but seriously, Jane can be talking about you and your body for the whole day.

“You go bitch. Let me see you after you put it on”. She smiled at you. Jane is beautiful just the way she is. And she knows it. She just loves you so much that she wants to see you be happy, and beautiful because her fashionista persona won’t let you walk out wearing some shitty clothes.

You had gone to try on it, then looked at yourself in the mirror. It was a beautiful dress, with long laced sleeves, a long v cut in the back, and the skirt wasn’t that short. It fitted you well, but you started to feel insecure about your curves. Sure you have a great body, but you didn’t feel it.

“Y/N, yo… you good in there? Are you done?” asked Jane at the other side of the door.

“H-huh. Yeah. I’m just…”. You kept silent for a moment, then Jane opened the door slowly enough to not scare you.

“Y/N you look so gorgeous. Why do you look so worried about that? You know I’m not lying. I´ve never lied to you”. She said, then gave you a good hug which you welcomed a bit too sad.

“Don’t worry about what people might say, you are wearing this because you want to. Because you feel amazingly beautiful and you are confident about it. I love you”. Jane might make you cry right know just saying what you need to hear. She always tells you what do you wanna hear.

“I love you too. Thank so much. I’m glad you are my bestie”. You said sobbing, feeling better.

“Yeah, I’m glad too but please hurry the fuck up we only have 10 minutes left and you don’t have put on make-up yet”. She pulled at your hand before you could protest.

Your bestfriend is rich in love… and money too, so she has the perfect things to make you look like a doll. She is rich and all, but it doesn’t matter when it comes to her and her friends because she is humble with everybody. Not bragging about her money, her parents, her apartment, her car, not even her clothes. And this is what you liked the most of her. Purely sincerity.

“It’s time. Let’s go to see if they are already waiting for us like my lovely daddy Jimin promised”. Jane said grabbing at her purse. You grabbed yours, cringing at what she said, closed the door and then went by the elevator.

“Do you think they really agreed so easily to what I said?”. You said feeling insecure about them. You don’t know them so maybe they were joking with you making you think y’all will go get dinner.

“We will see when we get out of here”. Said Jane looking at her phone to check the time.

Once you get out of the elevator, you headed to the door of the hotel, and for your surprise they weren’t there. There was no sign of they. You felt angry at your foolishness thinking they would really agree so easily with what you requested.

“it doesn’t matter. I can invite you to dinner. They can’t hurt my sissy like this. Hold on a second imma get my ca- “. Jane interrupted herself with what came to you both at that moment.

At you, were standing two beautifully handsome boys getting out of a luxury car. If you weren’t wrong., you swear the car is a Lamborghini Hurricane 2019. Do they have that much money?

“I swear you girls look so fucking fine. It’s a perfectly match for us, you know?” Jimin said., already smiling at you both and rising his eyebrows in surprise.

He looked so fucking nice. Its wasn’t anything too formally, but you knew what he was wearing is expensive as fuck. A long white Gucci shirt, black tight jeans that marked his God toned thighs and white Gucci shoes. He was amazingly a goddess converted in an ordinary human. But the who caught your attention was Jungkook. Although what he was wearing was an all-black outfit, he looked attractive. A black Peter England buttons shirt with also black tight ass jeans with his fucking goddess thighs you wanted ride to, and black Balenciaga’s speed runner. And you don’t dismiss his faces look. With his long hair barely touching his jawline. Agh, this boy has a high level on looks. So fucking handsome.

“And you both look so fucking handsome omg! But Jimin’s hair got him out of league, sorry Jungkook”. Jane were so fucking whipped about Jimin and his damn hair. Jungkook just laughed. You wanted to cringe but then Jungkook told you something.

“Miss Y/N, you look so beautiful tonight. H-huh... It’s not that you were u-ugly this morning though”. He shyly smiled at you, scratching the back of his neck. So cute.

“Thanks, I guess? Lol, you look good too, I guess…”. You smiled at him, lowering your gaze because of his powerful one.

“Okay let’s go; we are going to be late”. And with that said, Jungkook opened de door for you and Jane and you guys were out of road.

The trip is calm. There were small comments and some laughs from Jane when Jungkook commented that whenever they go out with girls Jimin falls or stumbles. You arrived. The trip wasn’t so long so you think this place is almost 30min away from your place. When you got off of the car, you were greeted by a long grass greener with grass and stone figures accompanied by a fountain of lights and water in the front yard of the area.

Jimin noticed your amusement. He shyly smiled watching the joy in your eyes.

“Let’s go in”. He said, moving his hand towards Jane, then walked at the front door. They look perfect together, but as you said, you don’t really know not even their intentions so you don’t know what to think about it.

They were walking with their hands clasped, while you and Jungkook had some space between you both, so you stopped.

"Jungkook." you called him. A bit nervous for what might be the response and the kind of question you were going to tell him.

“Huh? Yeah, Y/N, what’s up?” He gently asked. You were fearing asking but you did it anyways.

“Are you- huh, do you feel uncomfortable being w-with me? I don’t know. J-just asking, though”. You were nervous and you don’t know why.

“Why would I be?”. Simple as hell. His doe-eyes looking at yours like there was nothing more than you in front of his eyes.

You remained silent. How stupid it should have sounded.

“Y/N, listen carefully. Are you seriously thinking I have something against you? Me? Jungkook? In full 2019?” He asked, surprised by your question and your face. Do you look so dumb?

“I- Sorry. I just thought… I mean, you look kind of distant so I were assuming- “. Jungkook interrupted you.

“So you think I am a racist, don’t you? Look, Y/N, how could I be “racist” in your mind when I have been eyeing you since this morning, huh?” He blurted out. His expression was very serious.

Of course you didn’t think he were joking.

“I- huh… we barely know each other, Jungkook, t-that’s why I thought…”. You were looking everywhere but him, you didn’t know how to act at this point. You already have loosed your cool.

“It doesn’t matter when you are this beautiful. Your skin is fucking beautiful and it is what attract me the most of you. I don’t care if you wear wigs or not, it’s kind of funny but I know you are gorgeous with or without them. Your lips are a bit big but they look kissable as fuck and I can’t wait for you to let me taste them.”. Smirking at you, he took a step closer to you and, looking down at you has you feeling too small in that space.

“I- You- Jungkook, d-did you just confessed to me?” Your eyes went big at that. Seriously. You, the ice queen, falling for someone for so long?

“I- well, y-yeah. I admit that you got me crazy and we barely know each other but, I really feel something every time I see you, and it’s not just my dick. I don’t think you feel the same but I just wanted to tell you this because you were thinking so lowly of me. I can fall in love with you and it doesn’t matter if I am Asian and you are a brown skin girl”. He placed his hands on your waist and lowered his face to your level just to tell you:

“And you look so fucking delicious on this dress, it makes me want to rip it off, put one of those boobs in my mouth and smack that ass until you can’t walk”. He lowered his voice, melting in your ears and looking mad deep in your eyes.

You noticed his pupils darkened at his owns words, followed by his tongue coating his lips, faced inches away from yours, when…

“Y/N! Come on guys. You can eat each other when we are done eating”. Jane shouted at the door of the luxury restaurant you guys went by.

“Guess we finish this conversation later”. Said Jungkook. He took your hand and dragged you inside.

You, at that moment were perplexed. Everything he said felt unreal. You don’t even have words to reply to what he said.

Jimin and Jane were sitting close to each other, so it means you have to sit next to Jungkook. Yes, the same Jungkook that confessed to you a few minutes ago, but also made you wet with the thoughts that were behind such a confession.

They brought the menus and everyone was busy watching what to order to eat.

Everything there was expensive, you didn't want to order a lot of food because you didn't want to take advantage of the situation anymore, but at that moment you noticed that someone was looking at you a lot. It was Jungkook. His gaze was penetrating so you could only give him a very small smile on your part.

"Don't worry, Y/N, choose what you want." he said, seeing concern in your eyes.

You turned your face towards him and now your smile was a little more reliable. He also looked relaxed.

While you were waiting for your food, you guys were talking about your lives in order to get to know each other. But of course, you couldn't miss Jungkook looking in your direction.

The expensive food arrived and everybody started eating.

While eating, you felt something touched your thigh so you, without hiding, looked down the table. Jungkook’s hand were on you. He wasn’t doing anything, just got it there, resting on your thigh. Without looking at him you started eating again. Then you felt… His hand were caressing your skin. His nails nagging at your skin every so often. Its noting, just a lil’ touch.

Then his hand hiked your dress up until it was touching your inner thigh. You stopped eating. You took a moment to look at his face but he wasn’t looking at you no more. He was acting. While Jimin and Jane were talking nonsense to your ears, Jungkook were trying to touch your wet undies until he reached them. Jena was distracted by her own goddess so she can’t guess what it’s happening down there. That’s why Jungkook took the opportunity to taste de waters.

His fingers reached your core. His pointer pressing hard trough your panties, leaving your mouth agape by his bold actions. You looked at him and this time he got his eyes on you. On your eyes. Then on your mouth. Pressing more hard he watched how you reacted. You completely stopped eating. It looks weird, so Jungkook leaned to your ear.

“You need to behave well, babygirl. Keep eating so they would not suspect”. His. Fucking. Low. Voice. Making you more wet than you were.

You just looked at him with pleading eyes as your pussy were gasping for some touch, while he was looking at you with narrowed, sharp eyes watching every move you did. Then he stopped, and so you started eating again. A minute had passed and he has you squirming under his hidden touch. Jungkook pushed aside your wet panty to brush your clit ever so slightly, then hit you pluging one of his thick fingers in. You started coughing .

“Oh… you okay?” asked Jane, remembering you were together in a dinner,

You just hummed because you were sure if you opened your voice at that moment you were about to let out the prettiest moan you ever had in your life.

While you were trying to muffle your moans, you looked at Jungkook and he were chuckling. Is he serious? Then that grin returned to the original smirk on his face, and so started murdering your aching core again. He moved his finger in and out in a slowly pace in order for you to not get you so worked out, then added a second digit. You closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying the nice stretch he was giving you. At the other hand, Jungkook watched your face every time, full joy on his face as your expressions were looking more fucked up. When you opened your eyes again, your pupils had blowing out, dark eyes looking everywhere but him. Your sweet bomb lips parted lightly leaving small gaps and the hand holding the fork was shaking. Everything you were doing has Jungkook getting worked out. He swore that nobody ever had him like you have him.

He knows you are reaching your climax, so he went on it fast and hard.

“Come on, Y/N, let me feel you coming down all over my fingers. You know you want it as much as I want to”. He leaned, whispering to your ear and licking it slightly has you shivering. Then you reached your high.

It almost had you screaming in that place but you bit your lip hard to muffle whatever strangled sound trying to escape. Your hips lifted a bit from the chair and, as your walls clutched close, your thighs did same, locking Jungkook’s hand up between them.

You thanked God for not letting Jane know what was happening under that table, and the place is highly expensive to be so crowded.

“You did good, huh? Maybe, I’ll reward you later. Only if you let me, of course”. Jungkook said, letting his finger slid out, taking his hand off of you and licking his digit after the mess he made. That is so damn sexy.

“Reward her for what?” Jane surprised the fuck down of you both. You turned to Jungkook with wide eyes, not knowing what to say.

You froze.

“Reward her for being a good girl”. He simply said. Looking at you with his not so innocent doe-eyes. You were dead at this time.

“A good girl, huh?” She said, smirking at your shocked expression remaining silent.

“Yeah. We all enjoyed the dinner so it means you and Y/N can come to our flat”. He said, relaxing further in the chair so his hand was caressing your knee.

“Oh, so that’s what you meant… well yeah, I think we are good now, aren’t we?” All of them were waiting for your response, looking at you, again.

You hated being the main reason of all this situation.

“I-… I g-guess so”. Your voice sounded so tiny.

“Alright. Are we leaving now?”. Jane said so you guys were getting off of the table.

You were mentally preparing yourself to get up after, when you felt hands on your shoulders. You jumped.

“Omg Jungkook. Are you trying to kill me now?” You looked dramatic but in reality your heart was pulsing so hard you thought it could come out of your chest.

“Calm down Y/N. Let me help you”. He grabbed you by your arms so you didn’t have to try so hard since his arms were incredibly strong.

He walked you at the entrance because you were stumbling each two steps. Jimin and Jane were waiting for you both in front of the car. The smirk never leaving their faces. They didn’t even bother to hidden it.

“It’s still early, don’t you girls wanna have a little fun after here?” Asked Jimin. He looked like the type of guy who hype everybody to go to parties.

“I don’t know, only if Y/N want or feel like it”. Said Jane. She would not do anything you didn’t want to do, even if she has a big crush on Jimin.

“I-I’m tired. Maybe next time, but if you wanna go, then do it”. A lot of things had happened today, you need to process them in your room, alone.

“Really? You won’t get mad at me if I go with them?” Jane asked. Amusement in her voice. She takes care of you but if you let her have her fun, then she takes advantage of it. Of course she will.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I will call an uber”. You said grabbing your phone but then…

They didn’t say anything, so you assume your taxi must better come fast so they can fuck it up at some party.

You watched Jimin and Jungkook with their phones and Jimin showed something to Jane, but you assumed they were talking with their seniors/parents/etc.  based on their expressions.

When the taxi came, you were not expecting what happened at this moment. Jane and Jimin got in before you. You clearly said you were going home. Why the hell did they got in the damn cab?

“What are you guys doing? If you are going to fuck there, then I’m not going you assholes”. You said, not knowing why in hell they got in the car.

“Babe, you know I’m not gonna disturb your stupid sleeping ass beauty with my pretty moans so, guess we are going to the party and Jungkook will get you home”. Simple. As. Fuck. And she just smiled at you then ordered to the chauffer to get them the fuck outta there.

Well, damn.

“Guess you are going with me, babygirl”. Said Jungkook leaning on your shoulder behind you.

“O-oh… b-but, isn’t this Jimin’s car?” You thought that car was from Jimin since he’s the older one.

“Oh… t-this car is mine. Jimin’s one is where the mechanic, that's why we couldn't bring it”. He said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Do you guys have that much money?” Quirking an eyebrow as you said this.

“We are not idiots; Y/N. We work on our own company while we study. It’s not hard but neither simple”.

“I- oh, sorry. But I-I didn’t think you were a bunch of idiots, I just… could not figure it out”. You were out of your mind. They are too young to have fancy cars like that, fancy style of clothes and tons of money.

“You don’t have to. I know it’s hard to believe, but we don’t care about it. We are just making money by ourselves and that’s what matters. Just let it fly”. And with a shrug, he was opening the door for you.

You got in, he got in, and the car started towards the main road.

The trip back to home was more calmed than the one going to eat at that fancy restaurant, but it did not distract you from the fact that for the first time you were alone with Jungkook. It’s not that bad, but with what happened just before, you thought the air was getting heavier between you two. But again Jungkook were breaking the ice.

“So… you are a freshman”. He said, without taking his eyes off the road.

“Huh? Uh… yeah. I am.”. you said, uncertain about why did he ask you that.

“You don’t look like one. Are you a minor?” Okay, what?

“I’m not, you fool. But if you want to consider me as a minor then it is okay for me”. You shrug.

He chuckled. “I don’t want to. You look like a little girl but indeed you are a whole woman.”

“So are you telling me you see me as a woman, not as a girl?”.

“Well, I don’t want to see you as a minor. To me you are a woman with a cute, teenager sassy ass attitude”

“What the hell it means?” You chuckled at that. This boy makes funny replies.

“It means I do want to do bad things to you but your thoughts are too limited to believe someone like me sees you more than an “Ice queen”. And I know, we are still strangers but I want to get to know you, and I want to take my time with you. I really do”. He stopped the car just to look deep in your eyes, making sure you see his sincerity.

“I-i… You always left me without words. Why do you always have to act so fucking cute yet handsome while telling this kind of things? Geez”. You glared at him although you were feeling butterflies in your stomach.

“I will make you feel things your exes did not allow you to feel, Y/N. I will make you feel as much love as you need. So please, let me take care of you, huh?” Omg. His doe-eyes were getting crystalized. His face showing as much love as his words did. He looked so beautiful, you wanted to peck at his rosy lips.

“Jungkook- “. You didn’t even finish when his lips were crashing into yours. A passionate, gentle, soft kiss.

You enjoyed the moment. He moved his face aside to deepen the kiss, allowing your tongue to enter his mouth. Then the kiss got rougher. He bit you lip and you moaned in his mouth. Then you stopped. A strain of saliva connecting your lips, evidence that you both were enjoying the kiss, the hungry it got.

“That… that was amazing Y/N. W-why did you stop?” He looked hurt, but you really needed to say something.

“I… yes, i-I liked it too, but I need to tell you something. Jungkook, i-i… we need time. I know we are not kids but, like I really, really need more time to get this together”.

“O-oh… yeah, I understand you. And, as I said, I want to take it slow with you so, I will wait for you no matter how many time it will took you”. He said, holding your hands in his. It was so unreal. He was so ethereal.

“Jungkook, you are melting my bitch ass ice heart so you better take care of it while you wait for me, huh?”. You said, pouting at him like a puppy.

“I got it, princess”. He pecks you and started driving again, holding your hand until he reached your apartment.

“So, you coming tomorrow? If you want, I can wait for you to go together”. Once again, he was scratching the back of his neck. You already know he is nervous. The cute Jeon Jungkook.

“I will text you when I’m done. See ya”. Already opening the door when…

“Good night little princess”. He said.

You looked back, his dark eyes shining as if they dropped from the sky. He was so beautiful.

“Good night… little boy”. And with that you were done.

Jungkook waited for you to get inside and reach your apartment until you switched the light on.

That night, after he jerk off he’s so long hard-on, Jungkook never ever had sleep so good since he entered this college.

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yeah, another one. and im sorry about the reader thing but i like it the way it is going. hope u like it :)

[llama-milk-for-the-egg-nog]

Thoughts on Mulan (2020)

Ok so I had heard some stuff beforehand about this movie, but I didn’t wanna let that tint my experience too much, though it kind of did in the form of noticing western influence on certain things. Here’s a list of thoughts more or less in chronological order.  First I wrote these in a notebook, and now I’m putting them here.

The beginning sequence reminds me so much of Kung Fu Huslte

though honestly it might just be that stephen chow’s movies are pretty much the extent of chinese-made media that I watch

Rosalind Chao is here, I’m a Keiko O’Brien stan so she reminded me of DS9

Fa Zhou saying something about “emissary” also reminded me of DS9

The music where the rourans first attack is cool I guess

idk if the brass made the music of the imperial city sound kinda western or what, but it certainly did sound militaristic (which I guess it’s supposed to)

Why does mulan have a little sister instead of a little brother? to add more female characters to the story? she doesn’t really do much though

After mulan’s whole childhood sequence, it cuts to a shot of the witch in the desert, which if you didn’t already know the story, might make it seem like mulan grew up to be the witch

although this makes some sense too bc the movie likes to compare them

the witch twists into a hawk (?), neat!

I saw people earlier comment about both men and women in china (and other parts of the world) keeping their hair long, so when mulan’s hair fell out of place in the matchmaker scene it made me notice that both the men and women also wear their hair up, which in turn causes the part of the movie later when mulan emerges after the avalanche to make way less sense since how would they know she’s a woman?

ok this is the thing I’m upset about, its a small thing but still, Why don’t we get to see the sword form?? If you remember in the animated version, her father does this straight sword form. (It’s a real form, not just made up for the animated movie). So I was like “ok maybe mulan will do it later” and then it NEVER HAPPENED. (possibly she did it during the “make a man out of you” training sequence, but the odd camera angels and quick cutaways make it impossible to tell)

I also had heard earlier that the script was not subtle at all,,,y’all were right

oh look, a phoenix

mulan: “the phoenix”

yes, we know

Commander Donnie Yen Tung’s entrance is iconic

BAHAHFHDSK mulan’s reaction to seeing naked men skjfdk

uh oh,,only 40 minutes in and the forced romance is already upon us

although, in retrospect, the way they resolved it at the end didn’t make me cringe that much

I’m a slut for butterfly kicks

the scene where mulan bathes in the lake has a much more predatory undertone now, especially now that Ling, Chien Po, and Yao are missing

the trio made the scene funny in the animated movie

can the not-Li-Shang-love-interest Honghui please leave Jun/Mulan alone?? ffs

speaking of no Li Shang, I liked the Donnie Yen mentor character half better than the Honghui half

Honghui kind of comes off as a simp ngl

what’s with the witch’s makeup/outfit? are they based on something?

speaking of outfits, awhile ago, I saw a really cool doll alteration video for mulan 2020

Commander Tung’s monologue/ mulan’s and the army’s training sequence about Chi where the words “Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within” are spoken is actually my favorite part of the whole movie. As much as I would have liked a musical remake, I think they translated the visual elements and the words together well in a way that was different enough from the animated version, but still satisfying to watch (at least for me).

They also integrate the music of Reflection here really well imho.  In the animated version, there’s a point where mulan modulates to a higher key, but the live action version doesn’t do that, which further pushes it away from sounding like disney’s classic musical theatre style.  They also changed a few of the notes, and I think the overall changes to Reflection in this part of the movie really improve this montage.

Compared to the Spiderman where they changed the notes from harmonic minor to (normal) minor (idk if that’s the real term I’m not actually a music major) in the MCU opening sequence, the note changes in Reflection don’t actually upset me.

my brain: oh look!! flowers!! cool! whooshhhh (honestly I couldn’t even tell if she was doing flowers right in the first part of the movie until here)

Mulan/Jun is gonna marry Commander Tung’s daughter? Yeah girl!! Get it!

oh look at me I’m a rouran and I gotta turn around on my moving horse to shoot arrows let me just swoOP

1:01:56 WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS IN FRONT OF THE HILT oh ok they fixed in the next shot but its still annoying

Unsubtle phoenix imagery not subtle

I guess I was warned about it :/

oh look its my fav interval a major 7th, I wonder if that’s supposed to be like “the last step before rebirth/the octave” bc of how Jun “dies” after the witch throws a weapon that gets stuck in her chest binding

at least she’s not using ace bandages or smth but idk much about binding

WHY ARE YOU THROWING OFF ALL YOUR ARMOR WHEN YOU’RE GOING INTO BATTLE? ACCEPTING AND PRESENTING YOURSELF AS WHO YOU REALLY ARE DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR ARMOR

ok I know it was so she would be visually distinguishable from the other imperial soldiers, but still

the soldiers doing the turtle thing with their shields reminds me of the “we irritating 😂😂😂” meme

brass to signify that mulan is going to have a heroic moment (causing the avelanche) seems western to me. Idk much about traditional chinese instruments but it seems like they could use more of those.

Guys,,,I’m so fucking stupid I- .... it took me an hour and ten minutes to register the Lucky Cricket stand-in character,,,excuse me,,,,

the scene where mulan saves hongui and puts her hand over his heart gives me r*ylo vibes and I hate it

the witch, 1:14:40: “🎵yes I~ am a girl like you~🎵”

damn the music even reminds of the barbie movie a bit

The emperor’s voice reminds me of the mentor character from Kung Pow Enter the Fist which in itself was a western guy making fun of old cheesy martial arts movies (and how movies sometimes have a white male protagonist when they’re deadass set in asia and everyone else is asian)

the mentor characters voice was dubbed into english (and you can tell) but to me the emperor’s voice also kinda sounds like that

I’m disappointed that we didn’t get some kind of scene like the part in the animated verison where Mulan leads Ling, Chien Po, and Yao to cross dress to help save the emperor.

to me, that scene in the animated ver. is a reminder that it isn’t shameful for men to act/dress feminine

in general the animated version, to me, sends the message that it is ok to have both feminine and masculine traits, and that they don’t undermine each other or your identity, so they should all be embraced as a part of one’s personality (which tbh really helped me as a young kid)

the 2020 ver,, just doesn’t really send that message, instead its more broad like “be true to yourself”

I’m a slut for butterfly kicks

the witch taking an arrow for mulan really didn’t do it for me tbh, it made her seem a little wishy washy

like, I get that she wanted acceptance/validation, and that a part of her was glad that mulan found that for herself, but what about the rest of her motivation? Isn’t a desire for power or something what separates her from mulan?

Unsubtle phoenix imagery and dialogue is unsubtle

The music playing during the Mulan v. Khan duel reminds me of Duel of the Fates

actually the setting of the duel and other things really remind of of the Maul v. Ahsoka duel from Clone Wars s7

damn I really wanna watch the Maul v. Ahsoka duel cause the fight choreo is just,, so much more interesting

aww! Cricket is alive!

Around 1:34:39 , the music does not feel like it should be building up to Reflection here.  At this point, I think the melody had been reprised too many times and was getting to be overused (I still like it in the training sequence though).

I was happy to see Ming Na Wen!

Mulan is going home and ugh! Honghui! Don’t you know she’s betrothed to Commander Tung’s daughter? smh. homewrecker simp.

the matchmaker reminds me of Baron Harkonnen (Dune)

cheezy credits song is cheezy, even cheezier because they reprised reflection again

[porkchop-ao3]

A Thrill I’ve Never Known (Chapter 30)

On The Move Again...

Idk what to say about this chapter other than a little bit of fluff? A little bit of angst? A little bit of pissed off reader? Just.. mucho dialogue, as per usual with my stuff lmao. 

Just wanna let y’all know that I go back to uni tomorrow (I start back really late, I’ve realised) and I’m going into my final year, so I will likely be busy. BUT, I hope to keep posting enough that you wont notice much of a difference, but yeah. If updates become a little less frequent, it’s not cause I’m getting bored of writing this :) side note... I’m so fucking ready to be done with university! 

(All chapters tagged with #ATINK and also posted on Ao3, username PorkChop)

-

Arthur woke me up gently, dusting kisses over my face and petting my hair, whispering my name and rocking me in his arms to rouse me as delicately as birdsong. For about thirty blissful seconds I completely forgot about our circumstances, so enamoured with the feeling of waking up with him. This was something I had only done a handful of times but if this was every morning I would be a very happy woman. 

"Good morning, angel. I'm sorry to wake you, but I gotta get up," he whispered to me, his hand still smoothing over the back of my head. 

"I don't mind waking up if this is the first thing I see," I murmured sleepily, making him laugh. 

"I gotta say, it was real nice for me too," he said, kissing my forehead once before wrapping his arms around me and rolling us over until he was above me, though dangerously close to the edge. He slammed a hand on the table next to us before we ended up on the floor together and we laughed as he shuffled us back into the middle of the bed. 

"I don't want us to get up," I sighed. 

"Me neither, but we gotta figure out what's happening with Jack," he said, and it all came tumbling back to me. 

"Oh God, yeah, you know I was almost at peace for a second," I grunted, dropping my head back against the bed and trailing my hands up Arthur's sides. 

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, nestling his face against my neck and inhaling deeply. "I can hear Dutch out there. I ought to go out and talk with 'em, hopefully he's figured something out."

"Alright," I whispered, patting his back a couple of times before releasing him. 

With a groan Arthur pushed himself up and off of me, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stretching, rolling his neck and grunting as his joints popped. His jaw stretched open with a yawn, one which I caught and mimicked shortly after. I shifted to join him sitting up, and after taking a moment to straighten out our clothes and tidy our hair, we rose to our feet and emerged from the tent. It struck me how shameless we seemed to suddenly be about what was going on between the two of us. It had gone unspoken, but I believed both of us had frankly stopped caring about who knew and who didn't. 

Regardless, nobody noticed us leaving the tent together, too preoccupied to care, thankfully. Dutch, Hosea and John were sat around the table talking; Arthur joined them and I pottered off, leaving the men to it and instead heading to grab my morning coffee. I caught sight of Abigail sitting on the ground on her bedroll with her knees hugged into her chest, eyes distant. I opted not to disturb her, taking a seat with Tilly and Mary-Beth in front of their wagon. 

"Morning, girls. How're you two holding up?" I greeted them. Tilly was washing a chemise while Mary-Beth was distractedly stitching a white garment that I quickly noticed was dappled with a few specks of blood. Before any of them could even answer I spoke again. 

"Mary-Beth, you're bleeding!" I pointed out, reaching out and taking her hand in mine. 

"Oh! Oh shoot, what a mess. I pricked myself earlier on, didn't realise I'd drawn blood," she plopped her finger in her mouth and sucked on the injured digit. I put my coffee down and took the garment from her; it was a stocking with a tear in it. 

"I'll finish this, don't worry. There ain't too much blood on it, no harm done. 'sides your finger."

"I'm away with the fairies this morning," she shook her head at herself. 

"Ain't we all. How're you, Tilly?" I asked. 

"About as well as you'd expect. The other day I couldn't stop thinkin' about how bored I was, now I'd happily take boredom over all this mess," Tilly sighed, sitting back on her heels and shaking her hands free of water. 

"I'm confident the men'll get Jack back," I assured them both. 

"Me too, it's just all the worrying until then. Has Arthur said anything to you about where he is?" Tilly asked me and looked up at her, momentarily – and frankly unjustifiably – surprised that she'd asked me about Arthur. 

"Oh, no, he hasn't," I said after a pause. 

"How is he doing, anyway? He's been awfully quiet lately," Mary-Beth began, "not that he ain't usually quiet, but you know what I mean."

"Arthur? He…" I paused, looking down at my sewing. "I reckon his injury knocked it out of him for a bit, he didn't much like being cooped up. Then of course, first thing he does after getting back out there is watch Sean– it's understandable. I jus' think he's going through it a bit."

"Well I hope he knows he can come talk to any of us if he needs it. Though, I suppose he has you for that, now," Mary-Beth commented. I looked at her, a light frown on my face. 

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, we ain't idiots," Tilly laughed "it's extremely obvious that you and him are somethin' more than friends."

"No, that ain't what I meant. You don't think I'm… stealing him, hogging him away from all of you, do you?" 

The two girls looked at me, two sets of eyes going wide for a few long seconds before they both laughed. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," Mary-Beth patted my knee, "I just meant he has you to open up to now, I ain't surprised if he don't talk to us about that stuff all that much anymore. I don't mind it, it makes sense."

"Before you came along, if Arthur was going through a rough patch, he'd come speak to one of us women. That ain't happened in a while so we figured he was talking to you instead, is that not the case?" Tilly added, picking the chemise out of the bucket and squeezing the water out.

"Oh, no, he does," I nodded, thinking back to the previous night, all his talk of getting out of here, no matter how idealised the thoughts were. Mary-Beth leaned forwards a bit, inspecting my expression. 

"Everything okay between you two?" She asked. 

"Between us, yes, everything is wonderful," I told her, a small sigh escaping me. "I just wish everything else was the same. I don't like seeing him worried. I'm worried too, but I know it ain't a scratch on how he must be feeling."

"Well, I'm just glad he has you. That man deserves a bit of love, that's for sure," Mary-Beth said, "after Mary, and everything that's happened to him."

"Mary-Beth," Tilly said, her tone a warning. 

"What?"

"You don't bring up a man's past relationships to his new lady," she chuckled, shaking her head. I smiled in amusement.

"It's alright. I know about Mary, even met her once. Well, not really met, saw her from a distance."

"Really? Oh, well I admit I was a little worried when I heard she was around. She practically carved the poor feller's heart out and spat on it. He was real excited when she agreed to marry him, I don't know how she could do that to him," Mary-Beth sighed. 

My heart thumped uncomfortably and I stared blankly at her. She noticed my silence and looked at me, the colour draining from her face soon after. 

"They were engaged?" I asked, my voice small. 

"Oh, Mary-Beth," Tilly said tightly, shaking her head. 

"I thought you knew," Mary-Beth covered her mouth. "Oh, goodness. I'm a fool."

"No, no it's fine. I've no right to be upset," I shook my head, snapping myself out of it. "I guess it just surprised me, I didn't know it'd gone that far."

I understood better why Arthur had been so deeply hurt by her. Why he'd held onto her for years, why he'd kept her photo, why he'd acknowledged her letter and gone to meet her despite the pain he knew it'd cause him. She was the woman he'd loved so much he'd wanted to share the rest of his life with her.

"No, you're upset. Oh gosh, forget this I'll do it later," Mary-Beth snatched the sewing from me and tossed it aside, clasping my hands in hers. "This was years ago, he's clearly moved on and he has you, he's completely taken by you, it's so easy to see."

"I don't need reassurance, like I said, I have no right to be upset over something that happened before he even knew me. He has his own life, how awful would I be to turn sour over him living his own life?" I forced a laugh, shaking my head. 

It was true, I had no reason to be upset. And I wasn't upset, not with Arthur, he'd done nothing wrong. But I did feel something cold and sickly and gross in my tummy and it was startlingly close to inadequacy.

"Mary-Beth is right, he's crazy about you. I watched him drawing you the other day when you weren't looking. Never seen the man look so peaceful," Tilly added, moving closer to join us. She put a hand on my shoulder as she sat beside me. 

"You did?" I sputtered, eyes going wide and my face going hot.

"Yeah. You were brushing your horse and he was at that table over there just watching you, sketching away in that journal of his. I'd love to see what's inside that thing," Tilly giggled. 

"I bet it's real romantic," Mary-Beth remarked, her voice low and tender.

"It never occurred to me that he might write about me in there," I thought aloud. 

"You should sneak a peek while he's sleeping," Tilly whispered and I flashed her a disapproving frown. 

"Oh, I couldn't. That'd be a violation of his privacy," I said. 

"I guess," Tilly sighed glumly. "You should at least ask him."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I reckon I might prefer the mystery."

"Might be full of things he's too scared to say, could show a soft, vulnerable, tender side to him that his tough, manly lifestyle forces him to hide," Mary-Beth stared off into the distance, her expression nothing short of dreamy.

"Good lord, Mary-Beth. You really have to stop reading those novels," Tilly laughed and Mary-Beth playfully swatted her arm. I couldn't help but smile, eyes wandering over to Arthur across the camp. That smile quickly faded though, when I noticed Lenny approaching the group with two men I did not recognise. 

"Hey, Dutch! We got a problem," he called out, pointing his gun at the back of the men, keeping a close eye on them as they walked towards Dutch. 

The men were well dressed in suits and ties and bowler hats, the second of the men had a gun slung over his shoulder. Something told me they weren't friends of the Van Der Linde gang. I stayed put as the men exchanged a few words. 

"Crap, that's the Pinkertons, I reckon," Mary-Beth hissed under her breath when she noticed. The gang slowly surrounded the group, forming a crowd that couldn't not be at least a little intimidating. I rose to my feet, crossing the camp towards them to listen in on what was happening, aware of the fact that Tilly and Mary-Beth were hanging back. 

"I don't know if you're aware but this is a civilised land, now. We didn't kill all those savages to allow the likes of you to act like human dignity and basic decency was outmoded or not yet invented. This thing, it's done," the first gentleman was announcing when I got close enough to hear. The atmosphere was so dark and thick, it was like I could taste it or smell it, it was foul like the contents of a spittoon.

"This place ain't no such thing as civilised. It's man so in love with greed he has forgotten himself and found only appetites," Dutch responded, his words so well articulated, spoken almost like poetry right from a book. 

"And as a consequence, that lets you take what you please, kill whom you please and hang the rest of us? Who made you the Messiah to these lost souls you've led so horribly astray?" The agent questioned, eyes scanning the crowd around him. His eyes found me. "Oh, and who is this? You must be new, haven't heard anything about you."

Dutch and Arthur looked my way, Dutch's expression stony and serious, Arthur's immediately turning to painful worry. 

"Leave her–" Arthur started, abruptly cut off by Dutch. 

"You'd single out a lady whom to your knowledge has done nothing wrong? That doesn't make you a man any more than threatening the likes of me does," he said. Hosea, who happened to be closest to me, pushed me behind him and obscured their view of me.

"Whether or not any of you lowlifes consider me a man is of no importance to me. I am here to offer you all a deal. You, Dutch, come with me and I'll give the rest of you three days to run off, disappear and go live like human beings someplace else," he bargained, and I stared at the back of Dutch's head, my heart in my throat as I awaited his response.

Dutch chuckled.

"You came for me? Risked life and limb in this den of lowlifes and murderers so that they might live and love? Ain't that fine?"

"I don't wanna kill all these folk Dutch. Just you," the agent stared at Dutch with such disdain I could practically feel the second hand effects of it, creeping hotly up my arms like vines.

"In that case, it'd be my honour to join you," Dutch's words were low, pleasant, "excuse me friends, I have an appointment to keep, with…"

The metallic clicks sounding out across the crowd rose hairs on my neck, weapons being readied, the threat loud and clear. 

"I think your new friend should leave now, Dutch," Miss Grimshaw warned. It was clear that nobody here was prepared to let the men take Dutch away. And Dutch… he was well aware of this.

"You're making a big mistake, all of you," the Pinkerton glowered, unsettled and frustrated, losing his grip on the situation he was so evidently being overpowered in.

"Yeah, dreadful. We have got something. Something to live and die for, how awful for us. Mr? Milton, stop following us, we'll be gone soon," more cool, velvety words from Dutch.

"I'm afraid I can't, and when I return I'll be with fifty men. All of you will die. Run away from this place you fools. Run!" 

"Come on," Lenny grabbed his arm, got him moving only to be shaken off.

"Get your damn hands off of me, boy," and with that, the gentleman returned from the direction they came. As they disappeared through the trees, the air seemed to clear just a bit. It left behind an unpleasant sludge but at least I felt I could breathe. 

The crowd dispersed as Dutch turned to Arthur, the men spoke quietly and I backed away, shaken by the experience. I knew that the Van Der Linde gang were wanted, chased by a dozen different groups of enemies, but actually seeing the evidence standing in the middle of the place we were all meant to feel the safest was difficult to wrap my head around. 

-

I found myself with Javier again, I'd sought him out when Dutch made the announcement that we were moving again, so I could help to take some tents down like last time. We worked together well enough. We were taking down Arthur's first, deconstructing the canvas and posts, loading everything up on the ammunition wagon it all attached to. I was tasked with carefully unpinning his photographs from the side of it so that they wouldn't be lost in transit. Javier and I weren't as talkative this time around, but his choice to start this particular conversation vexed me.

"This piss you off?" He asked, holding up the photograph of Mary. I frowned at him. 

"No," I simply said. 

"Alright," he said innocently. "I just thought, since you and him…" he trailed off. 

"Whatever he and I are, he's allowed to keep a photo of a person he once held dear," I said, packing away the keepsakes in Arthur's chest. I took the photo from Javier and it joined the rest.

"So, are you guys serious?" He asked. When I didn't answer him, he walked around to stand in front of me, folding up Arthur's bedding. "Micah's been sayin' some stuff."

"Micah," I repeated, looking up at Javier. "Micah doesn't know anything about Arthur and I so take it with a pinch of salt."

"No, not about Arthur, 'bout you and him, at the Parlour House," he told me. 

I stared for a moment, mind failing to conjure up a response. 

He smirked, though he seemed surprised. "So something did happen?"

"What's he been saying?"

"Nothing, really. It's all vague suggestion, was saying it 'round the fire the other night when you were in here with Arthur," he explained. "I know you and Micah have had some tension, with that kiss that day."

"What the fuck did he say?" I reiterated, getting irritated. 

"Said stuff like you and him make a good team, the usual crap. But then he talked about you two going out drinking at the Parlour House, you two had fun together, got along real well. Said it with this smirk on his face," Javier told me, wearing a salacious smirk of his own. "Didn't make it hard to read between the lines."

"Right, so basically, he's tryin'a start a rumour about me and him? What, that we kissed? Slept together?" I scoffed, and Javier shrugged. "Well, here's a rumour, spread it all you like. That bristly faced creep asked me to sleep with him at the Parlour House that night, an' he's clearly feeling hard done by considering I rejected him. And don't worry, Arthur already knows about the whole damn embarrassment and I talked him down from beating him, but I'm sure he'd reconsider if I jus' said the word." 

With every word I stepped closer to Javier, poison in my tone that wasn't really directed at him. The corner of his mouth curled up and he leaned away, holding his hands up in surrender. When I was finished, he let loose a chuckle. 

"Alright, I got you, loud and clear."

"I've been trying my damnedest to find the best in him, I know there's some decency in the man, but, by God. He's making it real difficult for me not to join the rest of 'em in hating the bastard," I huffed, feeling my face flush with embarrassment mixed with anger.

"Ay, it's okay. I never really believed him. Don't think anyone else did, either, we all saw how you were when Arthur got fucked up by the O'Driscolls," he reassured me, putting a hand on my shoulder and gingerly pushing me backwards, out of his personal space.

"Yeah well, even so, I don't take kindly to someone making me out to be somethin' I ain't. Say if someone did believe him, then watched me hanging around in Arthur's tent all these weeks, they'd think I was a real piece of work," I muttered, snatching the pillow from Arthur's bed and putting it in the wagon, then moving to roll up the thin padding that served as a mattress.

Javier laughed. "I think you're overestimating people's ability to give a damn. Even if it was true; you wanna get it on with half the gang, that's up to you. Wouldn't be the first girl," he snickered. 

I cocked a brow at him. 

"Could'a been any one of us in John's position," he shrugged. My head whipped around towards where Abigail was, helping pack with Sadie and Karen. 

"Oh, I ain't gossiping. Stop it," I muttered, shaking my head.  

"Alright, muñequita," he chuckled, "no more gossip."

"What does that mean?" I asked. 

"What does what mean?"

"Mune– mune– that word you said," I shook my head, the unfamiliar word dissolving in my mind before I could repeat it.

"Muñequita?" He smirked at me, looking a little surprised that I'd asked. A little embarrassed, even. "Oh, nothing. It's a… just a name. A term of endearment."

"Oh, alright. It's a pretty word," I shrugged my shoulders and smiled at him. 

"Means little doll. People don't tend to ask me what I'm saying, so I'm a little caught off guard," he laughed, shaking his head and turning away from me to lift up the bed frame. "The name seemed to suit you. Those jobs you do, putting on all these roles, playing pretend. Like a little kid's doll." 

He leaned the bed up against the wagon and turned to me, appraising my reaction.

"Well, playing pretend…" I started, pursing my lips in thought. "I guess I can pretend it ain't me robbing people blind. It's Jemima Jones." 

Javier laughed through his nose, tilting his head down. 

"Jemima Jones. She's a clever girl, but don't let her take all the credit–"

"I'm glad you two are gettin' along so nicely but if you remember, we all have the threat of death hangin' over us until we get packed up and gone. Get moving!" Miss Grimshaw hissed as she marched passed us. 

Javier and I shared a glance before getting back to work.

[darkouter]

has lesbian sugar momma ever gotten crowley a date? has he had sex from this? has he had sex in general? has he been in love? whats his orientation? b/c the about you have for him says queer and i was wondering what that means for him

i love y’all horny on main lmao

(i’m joking.  maybe.  either way i love anons)

first:  do not reblog this post!!!!!  idk if anyone will but sometimes personals find my posts randomly and y’all need to ( velma voice ) Stop That.......

but yes to each of those!!!!  they have had sex, dates, romance, etc.  just not often.

near The Beginning of their time on earth, they still identified with non-humans more than not, so they still kind of.  didn’t really associate themself with humans at that point in time?  they weren’t in love with humanity yet, so they didn’t feel that level of attachment to singular people as much.  they became more caring as time went, doing things like showing jesus around, you know?  small acts of kindness since they can’t get away with grand gestures.  that wouldn’t be very Evil Demon Servant of Hell of them, would it?

again, i headcanon them as originally raphael, and “Saint Raphael is accounted patron of travelers, the blind, happy meetings, nurses, physicians, medical workers, matchmakers, Christian marriage, and Catholic studies” (raphael’s wikipedia page).  in the book of enoch, raphael is also mentioned as a figure seen and described as “who is set over all the diseases and all the wounds of the children of men, is Raphael.”  they were also given the task of healing abraham and saving Lot, then healed Tobit of blindness, and they probably just did a lot of other stuff too that i don’t feel like looking up bc i think my point is made well enough here lmao

so they’re known as a being of healing and for empathy towards humans.  obviously, a lot of this information mentioned is post-fall, but i just use it to characterize what type of angel they were always meant to be, even if they ended up on a different path in the series.  i hope that makes sense!  but because of this association, i headcanon they would often step in and heal people or (like with jesus) show people the world, as that was their intended purpose/patronage.  i feel like there’s a doctor who joke to be made here, but i’m just gonna jeb bush it and not actually make up a joke.

so they do end up getting closer to individuals.  traveling and healing is bound to bring you closer to people.  it has also led to them being hurt a lot because people die and they don’t.  they can’t exactly continue to put off someone’s death forever, they would never get away with it.  they try to become more aloof, put on a facade, and generally drive humans away from them.  they’ve got a demon image to uphold too!  can’t be getting on with people.  gotta be off-putting, intimidating, and generally very cool and sexy (maybe cool and sexy is not necessary by demon standards but they think it is totally necessary, very sinful to be seductive, right????).  

but, as we all know, they’re a big softy, so it doesn’t really work out.  they’re a romantic that likes to care for people.  it’s just in them, and we see it in the show how they try so hard with aziraphale.  they got a lotta love to give and they feel unlovable as a demon, so someone pursuing and having and staying in a relationship with them is very fulfilling.  i’m not sure about a number because they got.........  you know, thousands of years to have had relationships, but i don’t think it would be very many when you consider how long they have lived.

sex is similar.  they can totally justify it because it’s a sin.  they’re very interested in it because it’s so human to have sex and is very much an active choice for them to make because angels/demons aren’t really sexual beings and it’s totally unnecessary, but it’s fun!!!!!!!!  it’s just something people do for pleasure a lot of the time, and that’s really cool, and they’re totally into hedonism lmao.  HOWEVER.............  they’re so awkward on every level, and they can get super embarrassed, and they never make the first move on that sort of thing.  that’s just them socially; they’re insecure and fear rejection or making a fool of themself.  and they try so hard to cultivate an image...  it just crumbles apart

anyways they kind of act like every romance or sexual interaction is completely new to them each time dfgblksdfn humans are so weird.................

also they don’t really identify as anything bc gender / physical sex characteristics are just human stuff to them, but would most identify with queer bc it’s a catch-all term the humans made up, and it’s the least label of the labels in their opinion lmao.  they don’t really care, let alone care to describe themself in human terms

as for with miss newton, they have had more experiences since becoming totally-not-friends-demons-don’t-have-friends with her.  she drags them out, has definitely taken them to bars, has definitely thrown people at them.  none of them have been particularly long-lived because they have been working much closer to aziraphale in recent years due to raising warlock, so they kind of have him on the mind most of the time.  but gosh darnit miss newton is trying, y’all

anyways, with rps on this blog, some verses will probably be different on a case by case basis with interacitons.  in their human verse that i’m currently having with vclvetwaistcoat, for example, things are obviously not as spread apart/rare for them, and they don’t meet aziraphale until later in life, so.

god did i answer all of the questions.  umm.  flirting?  they like to flirt toward people but get nervous when it’s aimed back at them.  but they like it.  i think that’s everything

[bespokewings]

Angel in Devil’s Shoes

I’ve had this in my drafts since August when I read “Devil Eggsy and Angel Harry” in @visuallyhartwin ‘s tags from that post of Colin in his Mamma Mia costume and Taron in his Elton John costume. Idk how it’s been two months but now it’s actually Halloween so LET’S GO! Happy Halloween!

 A Halloween get-together at Kingsman HQ that’s mostly an excuse to gather and drink off the clock, but which Eggsy plans on using as an opportunity to see Harry dressed up. 

Thing is, Eggsy is busy with an undercover mission in Colombia for two weeks, barely has any time to send a message to Harry to confirm he’s alive let alone to sit down and plan out costumes–not that he’s sure Harry would want to wear one anyway. Eggsy can hear the exasperated tone from five thousand miles away; “Don’t be daft, Eggsy. No one needs to see someone my age in a costume.” How wrong he is.

By some miracle, he lands back in London at 9am on October 31st. But as soon as his phone connects to its data, he’s got 3 missed calls from his mum, and Eggsy finds himself frantically calling back in the middle of Heathrow, shuffling through the crowds towards baggage, jaw tense, waiting for her to pick up.

She does, but there’s no emergency–not life-threatening, anyway. He can hear Daisy in the background, crying her head off, but his mum is calm (if exasperated) when she asks about his trip, his flight. He’s right confused.

“Mum—what’s goin’ on? Is Dais alright?”

“Oh! Yeah, well. I told her I would call you, and she was getting worked up when I showed her you weren’t answering. I didn’t even know if you’d be back today… You wouldn’t happen to be free this afternoon?” Eggsy contemplates his answer. “I gotta do a work thing tonight. Why?”

And that’s how Eggsy winds up escorting his baby sister to her first Halloween party. They weren’t a festive family after his dad’s passing, and Dean sure as hell wasn’t keen on it—not like their neighborhood would be safe enough to trick-or-treat anyway—but now that things had settled, Dean was long-gone, and Daisy was in school, she’d been invited to her first little party. And she wanted her big brother to go with her.

He didn’t expect to spend Halloween in some stranger’s nice house, surrounded by toddlers in costumes and mums drinking red wine instead of tea. It’s a world of difference from the interior of their old council estate, all for the sake of giving Daisy a nice school district, and despite the years of Kingsman training in the art of adaptation, he feels spectacularly out of place. Doesn’t stop the mums from flirting with him, though, and Eggsy doesn’t understand how they can be so bold when he can see wedding rings on each of their left ring fingers, but then he catches sight of Daisy running around in her princess dress, laughing with her little friends, and he figures it’s well worth it.

Still, the party doesn’t leave him much time to do anything before he needs to leave, let alone figure out a last-minute costume for him and Harry. He’s resigned to going without, but fate politely intervenes once he voices his concern to the party’s host and she smirks, handing him her wineglass before disappearing somewhere. When she comes back, she hands him a bag to borrow for the evening. Inside, Eggsy sees swathes of red and white fabric, something that he assumes are foldable wings, a halo, and oh—devil horns. Hell yeah.

After dropping off a dozing Daisy, he rushes home—to Harry—in an attempt to be on time (which is a laugh, really). The two of them spend quite a while reuniting, and things get heavy enough that they contemplate skipping the trip to HQ altogether. Harry’s hand is delightfully warm beneath the waistband of Eggsy’s jeans until Merlin sends Harry a sharp message through the comms informing him that a taxi is on the way to collect them.

Most of the costume pieces are ridiculously small for two men, given Harry’s legs and Eggsy’s arms, though the accessories work well enough. Harry refuses to wear the wings but acquiesces the halo under Eggsy’s urging. Eggsy proudly dons the devil horns, risking Merlin’s wrath and Harry’s wandering hands to change into a clean suit, swapping out his typical white button-up for a bright red one. Overall, it’s quite simple. Other than the head pieces, they’re dressed normally enough, but they still cause the entire room to go quiet when they reach the HQ lounge.

Merlin takes one look at the halo and horns, the faces under them, and announces, “That’s not right at all.”

[vjjeons]

whaddup!! i’m acacia (satan). i’m twenty years old, i use she/her pronouns and i hail from the pst timezone! i’m super excited to be in a lil ol’ group again because i haven’t been in one since like… idk?? but enough about me — let’s get to the good stuff aka my girl, veronica jeon. it gets pretty lengthy, so if you just want the overall version of it just scroll to the very end! anyways, if you like this, i’ll take it as an invitation to IM you for plots, so be careful!! ♡

jennie kim + cis female + she/her — have you met veronica jeon? they are a twenty-one year old artist/barista known as the philophobic. a pansexual scorpio, they are independent + bold, as well as stubborn + cynical. their soulmark is a crescent moon on the left ring finger, and they can feel the emotions of their soulmate.

BACKGROUND + TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, death, drugs

to kick things off, veronica grew up with just her mother around. her father had always been MIA. so, she doesn’t have a lot of memories involving him. therefore, her mother dated an array of men. often times neglecting her daughter, with the exception of the times she brought in successful report cards.

when she was thirteen, her mother married a man who physically abused veronica any chance he had. especially when mrs. jeon started cheating on him. so ronnie recoiled around her art for a few years.

being alone as an only child, she had to keep herself entertained. she started off by doodling with just a pencil. but, eventually expanded with acrylic paints and water colors. thus ultimately discovering her love for the arts!! 

she isn’t exactly sure how she’s going to find a successful career path through her beloved hobby. which is why she picked up her job as a barista to make some actual cash flow.

when veronica turned sixteen, she thought of tracking down her father in hopes of reuniting with him. this lead her to her grandmother’s house. who eventually had to break the news that her father had died from a drug overdose before she was born.

though, the news was shocking. it didn’t leave her feeling empty. instead, she found something better — her grandmother. she instantly connected with the woman and eventually found herself making her grandmother’s home as a sort of safe haven.

her grandma even supported her with her arts. buying her any supplies she needed and giving her suggestions on places she can find more muse. basically fulfilling the mother role veronica desperately needed.

but one day while visiting, the woman had passed in her sleep. this took a toll on ronnie considering how attached she became to her grandmother and her home. she would have to return back to her mother’s and her step-father. when she went back, the man attempted to abuse her again. however, she ratted him out. ultimately sending him to his imprisonment.

once she turned eighteen, her mother had packed up her things and left the girl behind. though, ronnie was fazed by the woman’s actions. nor did she feel any lose considering how little she cared about the other.

but good things do happen to v! one day she received a letter explaining that she inherited her grandmother’s fortune. (which she often uses to pay off her apartment bills.) along with a small journal with letters and locations to keep veronica on the right path. to stray away from the hatred and negativity and turn those emotions into something beautiful.

PERSONALITY + RELATIONSHIPS

PERSONALITY: she is charming, creative, and witty. however, she can be quite cynical, stubborn, and reserved. she has that tell it like it is personality. she just calls it likes she sees it. even if she’s not exactly right. she’s witty and intelligent. she’s very particular when it comes to most things. she wants things done correctly. so she often runs by the quote, “if you want things right you gotta do it yourself.” she doesn’t like relying on others to get things done when she knows she could do it faster and better. a little bit of a ocd queen. she’s one of those people that set their mind to something and goes through with it until the end. she has a way with words. her silky soft voice makes it easy for her to manipulate people. (unless you’re close to her, then they can see past the bullshit.) but don’t get her talking about feelings. because you’re gonna just hear crickets if you do that. she’s sort of an introvert. over the years, veronica had to work hard to become the person she is today — someone who is hopeful, who sees art and beauty everywhere, even in the ugliest parts of the world..some days, it’s a little harder, but she never gives up. she’s slowly growing out of her tough head of hair and morphing into a young woman so beautiful over the years, but also at times, terrifying?? self destructive?? even if she’ll never let anyone see her deteriorate her insides sigh. basically she’s a hot mess. but she tries her best to hide that shit. yeye sweg.

when it comes to FRIENDS veronica can always use some of ‘em. she possess the qualities of a good friend loyal, honest, trustworthy. however, she can be quite pessimistic. which might be a reason why she doesn’t have as many friends. once her mind is set to think a certain way it’s hard to persuade her to believe otherwise. she’s the type of friend to listen to your problems, but be prepared to listen to her unwanted opinions – all of them. she’s also the type to put a friend in check when they need it. she thinks of it as trying to convince them to see the bigger picture. first impressions is something she might not be very good at. while she isn’t exactly the definition of rude, she tends to not filter then things she says. overall, i would say that she might just need a handful of friends, a whole bunch of acquaintances, and her a ride or die.

please flood her with ENEMIES. i know for a fact that she has these. being so boldly opinionated and all. you know this girl has more than enough haters. sometimes she has some very evil intentions. she’s vengeful and irrational. but, don’t get me wrong. she’s not pure evil. veronica does have some good intentions, she leans more to the chaotic evil side. deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeep down the girl is trust issue central when it comes to letting people in. she can’t help it. she has abandonment issues thanks to her parents. therefore, she might come off as standoff-ish to new people. she keeps her circle tight. so maybe they think she’s cliquey? or she could have pushed people away. she’s like that one rihanna meme, them: you can’t just cut people off. ronnie: *holds a pair of scissors* she doesn’t have problem with letting people go. so maybe people think she’s a bitch because, “how could you just drop our five year long friendship like that.” and she’d just shrug. but really, she’s hurting beyond repair and will go home crying while eating a thing of ben & jerry’s chunky monkey. and there’s always that possibility where a friendship just didn’t work out. maybe they just stopped having time for each other and now it’s just mad awk. whatever it is, an enemy would b beaut.

as for LOVERS. veronica is a fucking cynic. love ain’t real and life is cold. she’d rather just be alone and happy than in a relationship and suffering. she sees so many people around her settle for less. (her mother being a prime example of that.) especially when she’s giving advice for friends. she doesn’t think people should be so easily manipulated by the concept of love. she knows there’s a difference between wanting someone and wanting to be with someone. and in her eyes, most people only settle for the sake of companionship. it’d be a hard mission to win this girl over. but not impossible. she’s definitely been on a few dates and had a couple of relationships. though most ended quickly due to the realization she only fell for their smooth talking and nothing more. 100% dabbles in the quick hook ups for the sake of fulfilling those needs. though, if the right person were to come along… she’d be loyal to them, completely devoted to just them.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

sooooo, my lazy ass actually found the power to make a RELATIONSHIPS PAGE. peep it, tell me what you think. if you can’t find something your muse fits, throw whatever ideas you have right at me! i’m so down for whatever.

MISCELLANEOUS

in a nutshell, she’s an angel with a halo unbalanced with horns, not a devil but not a saint either?? kind yet has a backbone. softer than what she seems like. humorous and witty though understanding. mistrusting but willing to let loyalty speak. veronica is a hot mess dealing with personal issues by lashing out on those around her. she’s loyal, but manipulative. opinionated, but easily offended. intelligent, but sometimes argumentative. she’s a bit of a feminist. trusts no bitch. but if you’re her friend, she’s chill as fuck. though, she’s a bit hesitant when it comes to making new friends. since she’s likes being a lame outcast. but really — she just doesn’t know how to process her good thoughts into words. she’s a barista and a tortured artist. she’s independent, hardworking, and determined. muse inspo for her: kat stratford (10 things i hate about you), samantha borgens (stuck in love), michelle (spider-man homecoming), and a hint of blair waldorf (gossip girl). anyways, give her girl scout cookies and she’ll love you til the end of time.

congratulations ! you made it to end ! if you read all of this… i love you. i only ever write so much bc… it gets me in character lmao. also, i wrote all of this the second i woke up. so don’t mind the grammar mistakes and what not. HENNYWAYS… i would really love to plot with everyone. so just slide into my DMs and we can get things started!! luv u *blows a kiss*

[oleanderblume]

Okay. Time to talk about it.

For reasons.

So, as anyone who actually pays attention to the posts I make knows, I have DID and right now things aren't going so great so I'm just gonna scream into the void about it. Tw: csa cp sa and other not fun stuff.

So. I'm writing a book series, and at some point while I was writing my books, the main characters of the series ended up being introject alters in my whole ass head.

I didn't want that. Or ask for it. It just happened.

The reason I don't want that is because it makes me not want to write anymore because now those people are literally walking around in my head and its not fun. Also they are kids and my brain is not kid friendly. Or me friendly.

I don't know how they formed but I do have an inkling as to why, my theory is 1 and 2

1. The alters already existed but wanted an easy face so they took the ones I already made and rolled with it

2. The alters hadn't been formed yet but due to exterior stresses they DID form and now I've gotta deal with that.

The first theory is the most likely tho.

Anyways, this happened, I am upset by it. I am in a bunch of groups on fb for DID so I post about it (vaguely because I genuinely thought that this was sort of common but apparently it is NOT) the group i posted in had some assholes 8n the administration as well as.members who took it upon themselves to take my rather vague post about introjects and turned it into a huge mess,.claiming that I was faking having DID and that I was just making up imaginary friends. Despite the fact that the post itself alluded in NO WAY that I genuinely wanted this to happen.

I wasn't given an opportunity to explain myself, and the admin kicked me from the group. So I made another post in the sister group EXPLAINING why I was upset and what was going on and I STILL GOT MADE FUN OF, ridiculed, and my experiences invalidated. Even when I told them that I work for 11 hrs and don't have ample time to dawdle on fb groups. The admin offered to let me back into the other group but I decided to leave both of them because it is simply ridiculous that I should be completely ousted for not fitting into their idealized version of what DID is when it is such a subjective experience for everyone with it. Also one person was just a major fucking asshole to me for no good reason and I wanted to get away from them.

It was a waste of my time and added stress I really didn't need, and on top of that, it gave me LITERALLY NO ADVICE OR VALIDATION for what was ACTUALLY stressing me out.

Also, it made me mad and then Jodie fronted and it was just a big pain in the ass for no real reason.

But the thing is, I still have the same problem. Two fucking kids are running around my head in danger of being caught by a persecutor and being harmed and *I* have to figure out how to wrangle them up. Well, turns out ONE OF THEM IS A MAJOR FUCKING ASSHOLE. Which is my fault because I technically wrote him as an asshole and so his personality reflects that. And also he's 14 and 14 year olds are just a big bag of ducks to everyone. But it gets WORSE. Because he DOESN'T KNOW HES IN A SYSTEM.

So I have a 14 year old jackass running around, with no fucking clue whats going on or where he is, being actively pursued by a persecutor who wants to fucking hurt him >:(

Well, I find him, and he is pissed and won't fucking talk to me because HE doesn't want to be here EITHER. No shit Sherlock. It fucking sucks I know. But he WILL talk to my friends, when he fronts which is WHENEVER APPARENTLY. So he talks to my friends and gradually figures out sort of whats going on but THEN the persecutor (I have named him Bastard for now) gets a hold of him.

Now here is where the trigger warning stuff comes in so don't read this if you don't want to be completely skeezed out.

So..our persecutors have a nasty habit of forcing alters into co-con so they can hurt the body and make *them* feel it. Its really hard to combat and trust me, I'm working on that okay?

They do this to trigger flashbacks and panic attacks and the like because idk, that's probably their fucked up way of saying "hey here is something important you need to know" while also being incredibly fucked up and psychologically damaging to whoever happens to be the target.

Well, Bastard does this to my boy, and here is where things really get into the nitty gritty. So please avert your eyes.

A little backstory. On my trauma (or what I know of it so far cause this shit is like a 3d jigsaw puzzle)

From what I KNOW, and what I've been told by other alters, there is a huge chunk of information missing from when I was about 4-12 (cause my earliest kid memory is from like 12) and that is when I think a lot.of the particularly bad stuff happened. Except we have been trying to figure out what it was for quite a while.

We know it has to do with child pornography. Because Acey, who is 5 has memories of that and Destiny, Siren and Syn all have memories that very specifically depict incidences of cp.

Destiny has memories of being r*ped with coke bottles, and being locked in a bathroom that was converted into a dark room (we think that's how The Other One was formed, from the reflection you saw in the mirror) we know this because she kept a detailed journal of when the first persecutor showed up, Fear, and he did that thing i was talking about earlier.

Another thing about Destiny is that when she first started fronting, she was 100% certain she was not Destiny, and was *deadname*. Fear was the one who named her and only ever referred to her as Destiny.

I'm not sure about Syn because they are a cat and only talk in third person with rudimentary English, but they fucking HATE men. And Siren is a fallen angel that very explicitly talks about being too "impure" for God.

And Acey has memories of being drugged and assaulted. (Her name is literally short for Acetaminophen so...)

At this point (around sophomore year) the picture we have is that there was some csa and cp, but no perps.

However, we gained two alters at some point that could have clued us in on stuff.

Eleanor, a little who is about 4-5 years old has memories of being told to play faries with an older person, and to build her own imaginary world. And then Mockingbird. An alter who purposefully mimics other alters and lives in annual hospital.

Thing about mockingbird though, is that she has a phone in her room that is ALWAYS ringing, but whenever she answers it, the voices on the other side are unintelligible. And so is she, when she talks at least. Most of the time. She only sounds like a regular person when she pretends to be a different alter.

BUT the thing is, there had been a bunch of other stuff that hadn't correlated to this, at first we thought it may have been some sort of ritual abuse? Because in like 2017/18 an feral alter (and I mean completely animalistic, growling biting and clawing at stuff) surfaced that only spoke backwards and was also named Satan. They looked like a typical humanoid goat demon ram person thing (?)

SO to figure shit out, we send Anon (short for Anonymous) to look around the mindspace and figure out what the fuck is going on. They find this WALL. Its a huge ass brick wall, at the edge of the garden, and it circles around the entire northern hemisphere of the planet (our mindspace is a planet)

And it has a bunch of paper plastered over it saying "the rules" of the system. But no one can fucking read them. Yay. Also, Esz did some investigating of the wall himself and that's how he got caught by Controller and made feral.

And since they started fronting AFTER Esz came around, we figured oh, something is up here?? Because Esz is also a demon alter.

Well, uh, turns out there was another persecutor (aptly named Controller) in control of Satan and they were targeting Esz this time around, and the two of them integrated. Esz is still around, Satan is basically no more. Well, not really. Because now Esz is also fucking feral. Which was really stressful because having your primary protector and system manager be a fucking screeching demon beast is uh..not fun. We luckily got that under control tho (thank fucking god) but now Esz has these memories of being r*ped which is great because he is the epitome of masculinity (I jest the boy eats fucking vegan chicken with spicy ketchup wtf) but this time we get some sort of insight into Satan's (and probably Esz's) creation cause the memories involve this random ass fat guy (don't recall them mentioning seeing his face) but he was this tail kink or some shit and had a really long tail but plug and made Esz act like a literal animal to get is nasty ass rocks off.

At this point, we aren't 100% sure what's going on. Because we've got these two very conflicting narratives and one of them has what we think are religious undertones while the other has obvious cp.

And now that Esz is (as far as I'm aware) back to normal, he knows more information because to make him feral, Controller had to bring him BEHIND the wall.

So Esz informs us that the wall has a bunch of layers, and there are a shit ton of other alters back there but none of them have faces. AND there are OTHER PERSECUTORS back there, who all work in tandem with eachother in some sort of hierarchy. All led by someone called The Puppeteer.

Thats all the information we have on anything past the wall :/

BUT THEN somewhere down the line, we get another little, and their name is Penut. Which is IMPORTANT because that was the nickname we had as a little kid by our NEIGHBOR Beverly. And Penut has some unpleasant csa memories FROM BEVERLY.

At the time, we just thought "oh great, so we can add that to the stack of BULLSHIT" and didn't think much further on it.

BUT ALSO, this was around the time our sister (bio sister) came into the picture and learned about some of the stuff and she very VERY specifically says that she thinks Beverly had a major role in us developing DID. Again at the time I'm like "well yeah, if Penuts memories are true then she definitely had a role" but none of us are really even venturing further on the topic. Because we are sort of distracted by having TWO persecutors and A FERAL FUCKING PROTECTOR ALTER.

Obviously though, things cool down a whole lot more. Its good, things are great.

Until Oliver pops up.

SO NOW WE ARE BACK AT THE PRESENT MIND YOU.

There is another persecutor, he is really annoying. He is hurting my newest/possibly older but only recently resurfaced alter. And GUESS WHAT HE MAKES HIM SEE.

☆this is legitimately disturbing so please be warned☆

Bastard does his thing and Ols has a very visceral flashback- i know what happened in it because he literally wrote about it because he was convinced it was important, which it IS.

In this flashback, he is obviously me, being r*ped. But this time for some reason, the person doing the r*ping is making him look at him, so he sees this guys face. Which has never EVER happened in a flashback before. Especially to the point where you actually REMEMBER WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. The guy has green eyes, and a beard, like a scruffy longer one. And while this is happening, at some point, Ols overhears ANOTHER PERSON in the room. A woman. And it's Beverly.

I know it's Beverly because he mentions in his recount that she called him Penut.

And she is working a hand held camera, and there is another one on a stand that is like, hooked up to a television, replaying what is being recorded.

At some point he's made to face the TV, like sitting on beard guys lap or something to watch and Beverly is just casually talking to beard guy, literally telling him to hurry the fuck up because there's gonna be another "session" after this one.

They start talking about what they are going to do next (with me/Ols) and mention the next "client" and then using a tail and making me act like an animal, and then other things like using laxatives, other kinds of drugs and even using other kids. They talk about how the video won't have sound, so none of what they are saying is going to be recorded too. Beverly at one point walks up to him, close to the end I think, and is like really close to his face, and this is when she calls him Penut, and talks about how much money she's going to make (or something like that, Ols is giving me the details as I'm writing)

Then beard guy makes him come and moves him again so he can't see the TV or Beverly and then beard guy finishes his shit and Ols overhears Beverly say that they next person is almost here and he needs to go now.

Then the flashback is over and Bastard says "this is why you are here" or something along those lines, and Ols immediately (well, probably after a little mental breakdown) writes all this shit down and sends it to two of my friends in a message (im so sorry about that guys)

Then I find put about it, have a really bad time, but now I'm in puzzle mode and all the peices are starting to fit together.

So...from what we have of Oliver's flashback, Beverly is a main perp, and was basically pimping us out to folks for cash while taping it and putting it put for other folks to purchase.

Esz and Satan being feral are because the next "session" involved someone with a gross animal kink. And that can ALSO account for Syn, because she is a literal animal. Her mention of drugs can easily coincide with Acey's memories.

And Destiny's coincide with the cp in general as well as probably someone who was sadistic enough to shove fucking glass bottles inside people.

Im not 100% where Eleanor fits in, but it can easily be suggested that she came about when shit first started to get real bad. And Penut, well, I'm pretty certain that she was THE FIRST alter. And probably what gave Beverly the idea in the first place (I'm not sure because most of Penuts memories were when we had sleepovers at Beverlys but it makes a lot of sense if she were the first of us and her compliance gave Beverly the opportunity to take further advantage)

Mockingbird hearing voices through the phone could be conversations that Beverly and other people were having during "sessions"

And the persecutors. Are modeled. After the different clients (and probably Beverly too) that had come and gone.

And the wall probably has a metric fuck ton of other alters back there with other horrific experiences and memories waiting to be slowly leaked out along with this tier list of persecutors modeled after their respective abusers and the puppeteer is probably an introject OF BEVERLY.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Of course, this is all speculation and it can completely change course at the drop of a fucking hat but I have NEVER EVER been so certain in my LIFE that this is what happened. Like..it makes too much sense?!

[theotherboywhonevergrewup]

MY TOP 10 SONGS OF 2018

Disclaimer: These are certainly not the “best” in terms of musical quality, nor are they what I think are the “best.”  They’re not even my favorite songs of 2018.  They are simply the 10 songs I find to be most defined the year 2018 for me.

I think the first thing I should mention is that Rihanna had released absolutely zero songs this year.  She did not even feature on one, which is the first year that this has happened ever since she started her career.  This also means this is the very first time she has not made this list.  Hope to hear new music in 2019!  I would also like to give an honorable mention to “Lost in Japan” by Shawn Mendes which was on this list before I arranged it.

10. “Give Yourself a Try” by The 1975

And I was 25 and afraid to go outside A millennial that baby-boomers like Won't you give yourself a try?

I had the honor of seeing The 1975 live in 2017, and it was an incredible show.  The band’s lights perfectly matched the mood of each of the songs, taking the crowd through an emotional rollercoaster.  Most notably their hit “Somebody Else” took everyone to a different place.  Their 2018 release, A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships, is another definitive 1975 album, with songs like “Be My Mistake,” “Sincerity is Scary,” “It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You),” “Surrounded by Heads and Bodies,” “Mine,” and “I Couldn’t Be More In Love” being my favorites.  “Give Yourself a Try” gets the 10th place on this list because it was the most prominent single that made the biggest impact on me.  In true 1975 manner, it lyrically dives into a dark place with mentions of fear of growing old, STDs, suicide, depression, and drug addiction, but all oddly over Joy Division’s “Disorder” bright guitar riff and bouncy drums.  This song is the epitome of singer and writer Matt Healy’s open honesty about such subjects but in a positive way, moreso as advice given to their younger selves but more importantly their fans.  Ironically, I also struggled with anxiety and depression when I was 25, so this song speaks to me in that you’re never alone and you live and you learn.  He’s encouraging us to let go of all those fears and things that don’t matter and really give ourselves a try.

9. “Get It” by Busta Rhymes featuring Missy Elliott and Kelly Rowland

Every time we step up in the spot Homie, I'ma take yo shine from you Homie, you ain't got the slightest clue Diamonds'll shine with the brightest blue

I’m not the biggest Busta Rhymes fan, but he has been such a constant presence ever since I was little, so his songs have always gotten me hyped up.  Even moreso, Missy Elliott was always playing in the house when I was little.  “Get Ur Freak On” was one of the most memorable tracks of my childhood.  Last but certainly not least, Kelly Rowland is absolutely one of my favorite singers ever.  Her new single “Kelly” was her first main artist release in five years and it does not disappoint.  It’s such a banger, and I love how she continues to grow in her confidence.  Something about having all three of these people on one track really got me going.  It felt like bringing back my childhood but also felt so fresh.  Busta and Missy do not hold back, and their raps were a stark contrast to the ever-popular mumble rap of 2018.  Not saying that there’s anything wrong with mumble rap necessarily; it’s just not my cup of tea.  My only gripe with this song is I wish that Kelly was on it more than just the sample.  Even then, I can’t be that mad because it goes so hard!

8. “Love Lies” by Khalid and Normani

If you're down, don't hide it Feelin' me, you don't gotta deny it Baby you gon' make me overnight it Tell me, are you down?

Last year, Khalid’s “Location” made my 2017 list.  I had mentioned that none of his other tracks really stood out to me, but I was hopeful for his future releases.  Well, “Love Lies” certainly does not disappoint.  Again, the slower, bumping R&B beat really supported Khalid’s smooth, deeper vocals sliding on top.  I am a sucker for duets, and who better to add to this track than the smoothest Fifth Harmony member Normani.  While she vocally may be on the weaker end of her former group, her voice perfectly fits this type of song as it flows over the deeper sounds.  Normani just oozes sexiness too as she adds a little bit of flair to both the video and live performances of this song with some choreography.  She really made 2018 her own, and I look forward to her future releases as well!  The only thing that is holding this track back for me is that it is for a film, Love, Simon.  I’m always wary of made-for-film songs because I’m not sure how true the artists of the song are being to the piece itself or if has been molded to fit the film’s narrative or theme.

7. “All the Stars” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA

I hate people that feel entitled Look at me crazy 'cause I ain't invite you Oh, you important? You the moral to the story, you endorsing? ..., I don't even like you

I’ve been following SZA for a few years now, and I have to say that she is really making a name for herself and changing the R&B game.  Of all the megahits this year, this is easily my favorite.  It’s received one Oscar nomination and four Grammy nominations, and it deserves every ounce of the respect it’s been given.  The simple rocking beat serves as a metronome for some more complicated percussion as Kendrick expertly serves his flow, slowly introducing the synths and strings that allow SZA to take the song to an otherworldly place.  The music video is absolutely stunning too.  Like “Love Lies,” however, this song is held back for me in that it was also made for a film, Black Panther.  I am not saying either of these films are bad necessarily, in fact, they were both fun movies.  I’m just saying I wonder where these artists could have taken these songs if they were completely untied from any other projects.

6. “We Don’t Care” by Sigala featuring The Vamps

Try to keep my composure Would be easy if I was sober But you keep getting closer And I'm feeling alright

Another artist that was on my top 2017 songs, The Vamps had several bops this year, including singles “Too Good to Be True,” “Hair Too Long,” and “Just My Type” and non-singles “What Your Father Says” and “Cheap Wine.”  I had the opportunity to not only see these guys perform live but also finally meet them!  They were the nicest dudes, and it was definitely a highlight of the year.  My favorite 2018 release by them though was their feature on Sigala’s “We Don’t Care.”  Even though it’s not their track, it harkens back to many Vamps songs just about having a good time, and that stress-free nature is why I love them.  Sigala certainly knew how to make the best of this collaboration, and I feel like I’ll be dancing to this for years to come.

5. “Tempo” by EXO

I can’t believe 기다렸던 이런 느낌 (oh) 나만 듣고 싶은 그녀는 나의 멜로디

For reasons I will explain later in this post (see entry #3), I have officially fallen in love with K-pop, and in my search to find more K-pop artists to love, I have oddly landed back to one that I saw live a few years ago, EXO.  In 2015 or 2016, my friend Brit became “ill” to K-pop fever and fell in love with EXO.  As someone who claims to love all genres (with a few exceptions), she asked me to go with her to their concert in 2016.  I did not hesitate at the opportunity, and while I saw that they were truly talented, something held me back from loving them at the time.  While I had never really been a K-pop fan in the past, I was aware of what they could deliver.  When it came to boybands in particular, I was aware of Big Bang, Super Junior, and SHINee and how different their songs were from American and European music beyond the language they are sung or rapped in.  However, I found EXO’s repertoire to be quite lackluster at the time.  This was before the release of Ex’Act, so their biggest hits at the time were “Growl,” “Overdose,” “Call Me Baby,” and “Love Me Right.”  With the exception of “Overdose,” these songs as well as a lot of their other songs sounded too familiar.  They were safe R&B vibes, and as someone who grew up with R&B, these songs did not stand out to me.  “Overdose” was somewhat of a highlight, but it was still just a bit lacking to me.  My favorite song of theirs at the time became “Wolf” (and Brit aptly made fun of me for it lol).  Sure, “Wolf” gets made fun of because it’s kind of a mess of a song, but that’s why I love it.  It’s so out there and experimental.  It was EXO trying to find their voice.  It wasn’t safe; every aspect of it goes hard (maybe too hard).  The icing on the cake that “Overdose” was missing?  Chen!  Let me quickly explain my love for Chen.  This man (who I’m exactly only 10 days older than!) has the voice of an angel.  Even back then when I went to their concert and couldn’t remember any of their names for the life of me, I remember telling Brit, “The one with the cheekbones has the best voice!”  And while “best” is debatable with Baekhyun and D.O. in the group (and even compared to other vocal powerhouses like Super Junior-K.R.Y., and y’all, don’t you dare sleep on Suho), Chen still stands out to me because his vocal quality is 100% the kind of voice that I wish I had.  He has this vibrant, clear tenor timbre to his voice that I find so pleasing.  Chen is apparently the least favorite EXO member for whatever reason (maybe he’s the ugliest? idk, I’m not a girl/don’t like men), and some people say his voice is less emotional than the others.  I disagree, as I think the lightness in his voice just puts the emotion in a different place where people aren’t used to hearing it.  Regardless, since “Overdose” was made when they had the EXO-K and EXO-M split before, it largely lacked Chen vocals, and he goes hard in “Wolf.”  All this to say, when I revisited EXO’s discography this year, it was chock-full of hit after hit that finally filled that sweet-tooth K-pop craving.  They were no longer standard R&B hits.  They were each creative directions, starting with “Monster” which built off of many of the same vibes as “Wolf” and “Overdose” but with more expertise and a healthy dose of Chen (“Don’t be afraid / Love is the way / Shawty I got it / You can call me monster” what an english-god! lol), to “Ko Ko Bop” which is a reggae fusion smash (if you know that I love Rihanna, then you gotta know that I love me some reggae fusion and who knew that it would fuse so well with K-pop), to the infectiously fun and upbeat “Power” that they performed at the Olymics closing ceremony.

Now let me finally get to why I am obsessed with “Tempo.”  Chen opens the song with “I can’t believe” and then silence.  I am a Chen fan, so you know I’m already hooked.  Then the synths come back in and there are some a capella elements.  Baekhyun dares to sing over Chen (just kidding, he sounds good too obviously).  Once Chen is done singing, the drums come in leading into the chorus, with the bed squeak which is a R&B/hip hop sample staple.  To be clear, I never wanted EXO to leave their R&B roots; I just wanted that and more from them, and this song is it.  After the second verse, instead of going back to the chorus, they hit this alternate “slowed down” version of the chorus which again hits different R&B vibes, and this beautiful piano brings us to the a capella portion and oh my.  Then Chen’s scream signals the piano, drums, synth, squeaky bed, and everything to go into the last chorus.  And let’s not forget his Michael Jackson-esque ad-lib.  The line distribution was mostly fair too.  I mean, obviously I’m biased, but Sehun got a whole rap section.  If anyone, Xiumin and D.O. (and Sehun) probably could have used more lines somehow.  Lay was even in the Chinese version (though I’m not sure how many songs he was gone for?)  But honestly, zero complaints here.  GET IT GUYS.

4. “Remind Me to Forget” by Kygo featuring Miguel

I need you to let go I got these mementos And I'll be alright

Shortly after my breakup this year, I still had tickets to see Miguel and no one to go with.  So I asked my ex if she still wanted to go, and she did.  He performed all my favorite songs by him, including “Adorn,” “Sure Thing,” and “Pineapple Skies.”  It was kind of an ethereal experience in a way.  A huge amount of his repertoire is baby-making music, and boy did that make a mood that night.  I’m not sure if she realized it, but Miguel was actually what I put on during our second date (I also just remembered that his song was on when we had our first kiss during our first date).  But this song (which he did not perform but played afterwards as everyone was leaving the venue) is lyrically actually so significant to that relationship.  Kygo’s echoey instrumentals was a match made in heaven for Miguel’s soaring vocals, and while the song doesn’t exactly convey pain, it beautifully encapsulates letting go of a relationship.  I still like my ex as a friend, but from experience we know that’s all it should be.

3. “Ddu-Du Ddu-Du” by BLACKPINK

두 번 생각해 흔한 남들처럼 착한 척은 못 하니까 착각하지 마 쉽게 웃어주는 건 날 위한 거야

All right, here’s how I became ill with K-pop fever.  As I’ve mentioned in entry #5, I try to be a lover of all genres of music.  I’m not perfect; I have a few dislikes: parodies (because I want the originals to stand out), covers and remixes (for the same reason), anything I find lyrically too heavy or too opposed to my values, and anything that includes too much screaming.  When it comes to falling in love with a genre, I’ve noticed I have a trend: I fall in love with a girl.  Sometimes it’s an actual girl that I meet, but most of the time it’s one of the singers.  R&B, hip hop, and pop is what I naturally grew up with, but Paramore got me into rock, Kelly Rowland’s collaboration with David Guetta got me into EDM, Whitney Houston got me into 80′s music, Carrie Underwood got me into country, etc.  As I’ve also mentioned, K-pop has been on my radar for several years now.  I’ve never been opposed to it (with one-ish exception, which I will get to), but I’ve just never fallen in love with it myself.  My first real exposure was about 10 years ago from my friend Kalvin.  I specifically remember hearing Girls’ Generation/SNSD’s “Gee” non-stop, and I couldn’t blame him.  It was catchy!  At the time, though I honestly was having trouble loving my identity as an Asian.  My younger self wanted to be white or black or latino.  Why?  Because if you looked at America’s standard of who was famous and attractive, there were barely any Asians, and the Asians who were there were women (Lucy Liu).  Anyways, Kalvin and a few other friends such as my prom date Esther introduced me to a few more K-pop artists over the years: Super Junior, Kara, Big Bang (and G-Dragon and Taeyang’s solo music), T-ara, 2NE1, and f(x).  I liked them, but again, I never fell in love with them.  Then, Psy’s “Gangnam Style” came into the picture.  I hated it so much because I knew this song would be many people’s first impressions of K-pop.  Psy’s talent aside, it was a song and video that was intended to be funny, almost like a parody.  This perpetuated the Western thought of Asian men being only smart and funny, not sexy.  Years later, BTS came into the picture.  While I didn’t fall in love with them either, I supported them because they are a K-pop artist that America is actually taking seriously.  Around the time I heard about BTS was also the time I first heard about BLACKPINK.  When it comes to pop music, the girls I like the most are in my opinion not too girly (i.e. SNSD) but also not too unconventional (i.e. 2NE1).  I think Rihanna is a good example of that balance.  She’ll sometimes wear all pink and sometimes go with a completely baggy hip hop vibe, but most of the time she stays somewhere in between.  When I heard “Boombayah” a few years ago, this song was so close to being my K-pop drug, but the “oppa!” and the chanting at the end of the song killed it for me.  Stars did not align back then.

This year, as I continued to grow up, I learned to love my Asian identity more than ever.  2017 was a hear of depression and anxiety and just overall hating myself, so I made a conscious decision to love myself more in all ways.  It just so happened that 2018 was the year of films like Crazy Rich Asians and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.  The former took a man who I find to be an average or slightly above average looking man (like the Ryan Seacrest of Asia) Henry Golding and made him into a superstar.  He even got to star alongside one of my favorites Blake Lively in A Simple Favor as her husband.  This amongst other things did wonders for me in viewing myself and Asians as attractive and equally viable partners.  To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before did something else for me.  With that movie, I realized I wanted more young Asian celebrities to fill this void of “there are no sexy Asians” because if I have a child, that child will undoubtedly be at least half Asian.  I want that child to grow up to be confident in who they are and find themselves to be absolutely beautiful or handsome.  All this to say, yes, I finally started seeing Asian girls as sexy.  Then, “Ddu-Du Ddu-Du” dropped and my life was changed lol.  Here were four sexy women (Jisoo is my bias!!) singing and rapping a song that was perfectly in between girly and unconventional.  It wasn’t the usual bubblegum pop girly K-pop, and I loved it.  After listening to it two billion times, I needed something similar, so I went back to “Boombayah.”  I found “Whistle” and then the gateways flooded.  I now listen to pretty much every K-pop artist I previously listed and more.  I am so proud of these girls charting higher on the Hot 100 than any other K-pop artist other than BTS and Psy.  I sincerely hope either BLACKPINK or BTS (or anyone really) beat Psy’s record (thank God for Maroon 5 for preventing Psy to ever hitting #1).  Here’s to hopefully a full BLACKPINK album next year and more Asian sexiness!

2. “Dangerous Night” by Thirty Seconds to Mars

I, I am a man on fire You, a violent desire

From the get-go, you can tell that this is not your ordinary Thirty Seconds to Mars track, and that’s because Zedd’s producer mark on it is undeniable.  I absolutely love the America album, especially “Rescue Me,” “Great Wide Open,” “Hail to the Victor,” and “Live Like a Dream.”  However, Zedd’s spin with “Dangerous Night” makes it hopelessly catchy.  It takes the recklessness of entry #6 and combines it with the tumultuous relationship of entry #4.  Above all, I had the opportunity to see Thirty Seconds to Mars live and to meet them in person.  What a wild night!  It was one of the best experiences of 2018.  The Leto brothers are so kind and rocked the night away.  They fought with security a couple times to let fans do what they wanted (in still a safe way).  And the absolute best part was that they invited a random select few in the crowd to go up... including me!  It was insane being on stage with my favorite band singing one of my favorite songs “Closer to the Edge” in front of thousands of people.  INSANE!  Truly a night I will never forget.

1. “Never Be the Same” by Camila Cabello

And I could try to run, but it would be useless You're to blame Just one hit of you, I knew I'll never be the same

Someone who is just looking at this list and my list from last year (where Camila also made #1) might think I’m obsessed with her haha.  I swear I’m not.  Rihanna will always be my true number one.  I honestly don’t even like that many more Camila songs than this and “I Have Questions” (last year’s number one).   I mean, I like her songs, but those two are the stand outs for me.  Anyways, Camila’s unique voice and creative runs take the cake here on this track over the equally addictive synths and drum beats.  Lyrically, the song is about being forever changed by a relationship that she doesn’t outright say is bad but heavily hints at it with the imagery she uses.  It’s kind of a love song but has the feeling of a breakup or near breakup song.  After my first date with my ex, we sat in my car for a long time just listening to the radio and while there were several cute moments like singing Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé’s “Perfect” together, one thing I remember is staring into her eyes while this song was playing.  Throughout our relationship, it became apparent that we were bad for each other in a way.  And in many ways, I will never be the same.  I don’t regret it.  I’ve learned so many things.  But yeah, even though this is not my favorite song of 2018, it is definitely the most 2018 song to describe my year.

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.