#the biggest changes i've noticed is that i'm just somehow.. able to talk to people better? i'm still too scared to actually initiate

[silasbug]

i've been feeling a little weird lately. not quite real. reality seems fuzzy.

my head, ah. it feels like it's been stuffed into a pillow. everything is soft and muffled in this strangely oppressive (but comforting) way.

i keep having this thought that "i've been such a different person lately". i think i have. i've.. not quite felt like me. it feels off. it feels strange. but in a good way.

it feels like i'm gently floating along a river and, despite the usual pitfalls of depression (a snag of a branch or the nibble of a fish), it's felt fine.

the water is luke warm and normally i would be shivering, but i am too tired to shiver. it's that point where your body stops convulsing and gently eases into the cold. where you're glad that it stops trembling, because it became exhausting.

i just keep noticing it. (the change). i'm painfully aware of it sitting on the edge of my consciousness. it's gently waving at me. it doesn't feel malicious, but it feels out of place. (thinking about it in tangible terms like a being helps).

i feel light in the way that i feel when i no longer care about something. when i can let it go. send it off into the fog. let it fade. that sounds positive, but it's just been nothing. neither good nor bad. it's indifference.

and maybe there are some things i have stopped caring about, or have finally (subconsciously) decided to just leave and accept. "it is what it is". and for once, it just is.

the.. ache that usually accompanies that statement isn't there. it's not the *sighs hopelessly, wishing it could be different*.

i reckon i'm not making sense but my thoughts rarely do and i don't care. my brain is tired and i think it's done thinking. it's acknowledged that it is done thinking.

it's allowing for a strange sort peace. i feel calm. i wouldn't exactly call it content (but isn't it content, in a way? it is), but it feels like i could fall off the face of the earth right now and be fine. be okay. or feel nothing at all.

i could.. become a drop of water and join the puddle as a whole.

i'm buried beneath the leaves and i am happy to stay here.

it's closure.

i don't know why it feels that way or what caused this and i'm sure it'll stop feeling that way soon (hello darkness, my old friend, anyone?), but this is.. fine. for now. it's.. ah. certainly better than the alternative.

i'm sure the need and the will to struggle will arise again once the anxiety and the fear settle back in, but it could stay like this for all i care.

and i think i just realized that maybe i've just been basking in the feeling of fear leaving my body for the first time.

it's literally felt like i've been able to dislodge the metaphorical fear-stick that is constantly up my ass. just a little.

who knew not feeling afraid for once would feel like a dream? like unreality? all soft and fuzzy.

it'll be back something fierce. be nicer if it didn't.

i'd even give it a kiss goodbye if that meant it would leave me be.

anyways.

[madwomanwithawarehouse]

Unthinkable 10 Years Day 3: Favorite Episode of Season 2 - "Time of Death"

Okay this is one of my all-time favorite episodes for so many reasons and definitely the one I've rewatched the most ( I'm pretty sure I can quote all of the Felicity/Sara scenes by heart)

This episode explores so many dynamics in so little time, but somehow doesn't come off feeling rushed or overloaded (at least in my opinion). Laurel being angry at everyone, but trying to help her parents get back together, her fight with Oliver in the hallway that feels like the first honest moment they've had in years, and her reconciliation with Sara finally leading to her first AA meeting.

We also get to learn about why Sara looks after Sin (side note: still pissed we got no elaboration on them after s3) and Thea beginning to notice the cracks in Oliver and Moira's relationship

The biggest focus, however, is the changing dynamic in Team Arrow now that Sara has joined full time (and has gotten back together with Oliver), and specifically, how it's affecting Felicity.

We quickly see how well Sara can hold her own against Oliver and Dig at the same time, inter cut with shots of Felicity looking worried, relegated to the sidelines. In the overhead shots you can even see that her computer chair has been moved from its usual spot, showing how displaced she is from her normal routine

They pause and compare scars, but when Felicity offers up her own story, it further reinforces how different she is from her teammates. The same (mildly flirtatious) "You're [still] cute" from Sara that was sweet during their introduction, now feels condescending when Felicity is feeling insecure. Her later attempts to train where she gets her form corrected by Sara brings out her bitter side in a way we haven't seen directed at anyone other than Oliver before, and Sara picks up on something being wrong

Her insecurities about her place on Team Arrow get further compounded with the arrival of the Clock King.

One of my favorite villains mostly due to the fact that his whole timing is everything/clock shtick does not really match his hacking capabilities thematically. He times everything, kills people with clock parts, quotes "tempus fugit", but yeah his thing is that he's a good hacker who robs banks. 10/10 no notes.

This is the first time we've seen Felicity go up against another hacker and well, he bests her, badly. I think what's almost worse is Oliver's complete belief in her abilities to beat him, which just makes her feel even more worthless when she can't and Sara comes up with a lead instead (using her computers). She's been sinking lower and lower into her self doubt and then Tockman blows up [her part of] the lair.

And it's the final straw. She was part of a trio, she was "the girl", (she was even kind of Oliver's "girl"), she had a place, a specialty, she felt like she mattered for the first time in a long time. This also comes only an episode after she reveals that her father abandoned her and her greatest fear is experiencing that again and Moira threatening that she's going to lose Oliver if she reveals Thea's paternity. So it's especially fragile, this state she's in now. Oliver's attention has shifted, 3 becomes 4, her space is not really hers anymore. In her mind, she's no longer special, now she just doesn't fit in. Dig's pep talk comes too late. How can she be irreplaceable if she's already been replaced?

So is it any wonder that she does something reckless to try to regain some control?

Felicity proves her technical prowess by tracking Tockman down and her badassery by taking a bullet for Sara and giving Tockman a taste of his own virus, knocking him out.

Now that she has proven her worth to the team (entirely to herself, as no one else doubted her), the combined efforts of Sara, Oliver, and some "aspirins" are able to raise her spirits the way Dig had earlier. Sara knows just how to compliment her and Oliver reaffirms her place in his life/the team and all is right again with their resident genius.

(And bonus, Sara and Felicity are now forever bonded by the homoerotic nature of life saving and nursing back to health)

All in all, such a good episode with solid character building, real consequences, and a quirky villain that is extra for no discernible reason. Iconic.

[adshoactivist]

I'm getting tired of telling myself that "it's going to happen for me" and to "just wait".

I have gone through many personal journeys, I'm no doubt going to go through more. I have come a very long way from the rock bottom where I used to reside, yet still I somehow feel like I'm residing in some sort of limbo, where a part of me is yet to even exist until I find or experience romantic affection.

I sit and get compliments from my friends and older women and I've worked hard to start believing them. I've learned to if not appreciate then accept the things I hate about myself. I forced out of my brain the mindset that I am worthless without a romantic partner no matter how much it feels that way (and how illogical that belief is, assigning worth to something so vast as a life).

But still. While I work on getting better I get the luxury of watching my friends do the same and thrive in areas I've yet proven to be able to. I get to watch guys trip over themselves to talk to them. I get to watch them flirt and play the game masterfully and I get to try not to be jealous when I notice the blatant lack of it all in my own life.

After spending what felt like my whole life fantasizing about this so called perfect relationship, binging romance novels and dramas and x reader fics and I'd accepted them as fiction - until I stopped isolating myself and found out that these little moments that I read about happen every day for everyone around me. And it's so frustrating to avoid simply just asking if the problem is me, am I so unlikable, am I doing literally everything wrong? It feels as though I'm being blatantly overlooked, and the worst part about it all is the guilt I try to stave off feeling, because in my head it seems like I have the biggest and most disgusting ego for not only daring to think I'm beautiful but also getting annoyed (upset, frustrated?) that no guy seems to notice and like me enough to do something about it.

But that's not something I feel comfortable sharing, because I've been through this enough times to know what the responses will be. My friends will remind me that I'm still pretty and that guys aren't worth it and it will happen when I least expect it. My sister, constantly the victim of my trauma dumps, will get annoyed with me for letting my self esteem get so low for even the concept of a man, and my therapist will remind me that I'm on my own journey and to not compare myself with anyone else. Which is a true and fair response, since comparison is what often triggers these feelings, but I'd like to take the opportunity to address each of these responses without feeling like I'm forcing the listener to watch me wallow.

"You're still pretty": I have no doubt that I am pretty, I make it a point to care for myself because I can say that there was a considerable period of my life where I literally did not.

"Guys aren't worth it": Guys are full of shit as a unit, I know that very well as a woman in STEM. But saying romance isn't worth it as someone who regularly experiences romantic affection is like saying money isn't worth it while backstroking in your private pool.

"It will happen when you least expect it": I'm always expecting it.

I will not sit here and say that my self esteem is anything to be proud of. I've only recently stopped apologizing for entering a room. But when literally everyone around me is having experiences that I've dreamed about while it all just passes me by, I'm bound to feel a certain type of way.

And it all comes back to comparing myself to everyone around me. I need to work on that, but there's so much more to the phrase "work on that" than people realize. I literally need to change the way my brain works, and if that needs to happen before I even catch a crumb of romantic affection, then that's another couple years of my life where I still feel this way.

So I'm tired. And impatient. And now that I've reached the end of what I wanted to say, I'm annoyed that I have to go back to a reality where nothing changed other than my posting this

[arcadejohn127-9]

Thank you for the ask! Don't worry, I'm always taking my time, I'm just really excited to do this much writing again. Hahah I've been drinking and eating, don't worry - you're so lovely!

I actually have dimples myself, I frown alot and having a resting bitch face so they're not seen often but whenever I smile I remember people would love poking them or ask me to smile so they could see them

Brother's + the undateables react to an MC with deep dimples when they smile

Lucifer:

He didn't think much of them at first

It wasn't until he had your face in his palms, the biggest smile on your face

Then it hit different

Whenever he's stressed he asks to see you

If you're already in the room he'll call from for you

"Do that thing I love, won't you?"

You wanted to laugh to him

None of the less, you flashed him a big grin

"excellent, don't worry I'll get these papers done soon."

Mammon:

He pokes them

Just straight up jabs his finger and into your dimple

"They're cute but check out mine!"

Mammon, please you're always smiling, we know!

Whenever you smile he will just poke them

If you think you're safe? You're never safe when Mammon has what he calls

'Human smile sense'

No matter where you are, if he can get to you - he will be running over to poke your dimple

Levithan:

The avatar of envy - yeah we know how this is going

He noticed them straight away and pouted

Wishing he had dimples

Whenever you smile around him he always feels so flustered

But apart of him is just jealous

Pokes your dimples in hopes you'll stop smiling

But then gets sad you're not smiling

"Why do you get dimples?! They make you look so cute! AH-! I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!!"

Satan:

Isn't fazed by them, doesn't really care

He thinks about them too scientifically and objectively

"Dimples are just indents in the flesh caused by the way your muscles are structured, I don't see the fuss."

While he does say this

He's a book worm and understands in literature they are associated with heroism and innocence

He'll be studying your chatacter to see if it's true

He does believe they're cute but doesn't really care if they were there or not

Asmodeus:

"Oh I have dimples! Let me show you!"

He'll of course show you the ones on his cheeks but then when he turns around

Unless you're uncomfortable with it, speak now or forever hold your peace

He lights up his shirt after lowering his pants

Revealing lower back dimples!

He's one upped you and it wasn't even a challenge

He thinks your deep dimples are extremely cute

Will kiss them

Beezlebub:

He likes reading; he's just not talkative about it

Besides he favours fairy tales and works of fantasy

He's like Satan, tries to see if you have the characteristics dimples are associated with

He thinks you look super sweet with your dimples

Somehow surprised you with his straight forwardness

"You're really cute."

He knows how to make you smile so he gets to see them as much as he wants

Belphegor:

"got any other dimples you wanna show?"

Just bash him with a pillow

Another dimple poker

Will just poke them and count up to atleast 10 and then just suddenly fall asleep

It's like counting sheep!

Will just randomly call out for you and ask you to smile

It doesn't really effect him too much, as long as he gets a goodnight kiss from you then that's all that matters

UNDATEABLES↓

Diavolo:

He has one cheek dimple

When you smile at him and sees your deep dimples he'll get excited

Showing off his singular dimple

Ever since he heard they were rare he hasn't been able to stop his excitement and point it out to people

"Your smile looks so adorable!"

likes seeing you smile anyway so he'll just ask you to smile when he isn't feeling great

Barbatos:

He's gotten immune to the charm of dimples

Lord Diavolo has made too much hype over his own he just can't get the fuss anymore

He'll compliment them if you want one

Overall; no opinion on them

Will point them out if this is the first time he's seen you smile/seen the dimples

"Your smile is all I care about, I only want to see you happy."

Solomon:

"Do you want more dimples?"

Will NOT elaborate on what he means

You're not sure if he means he'll use magic or will actually change your muscle structure by hand

Either way; say no

He's very old like the rest of the demons and angels

He's overgrown the hype in the humans fascination with dimples

Gives them little kisses so you smile more

Simeon:

Will gush everytime he sees them

Tells EVERYONE he knows about your dimples

Always complimenting them

"You're beautiful! Your dimples make you even cuter!"

Asks you to smile all the time

Kisses, gentle pokes and caresse

Your dimples might be getting too much attention from him

[skittles1229]

Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)

Chapter One: Weird Circumstances

You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 

California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 

I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 

My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...

Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament

          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 

     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.

     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 

     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 

     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..

There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here

https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb

[jamkookies]

Okay

Description : A trip to Malta for the shooting of Bon Voyage seems peaceful enough until the moment things take an unexpected turn...

Word count : 3.3k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Please, sir! I'm begging you! Open up, please!"

It was surprising how the both of you hadn't even moved an inch despite the cries that had begun to turn downright hopeless but as Jungkook's arm shields your body defensively, you decide that you just can't take it anymore.

"Jungkook, we should take a look." you say hesitantly, turning your head in his direction.

"No way. It's a trap." he claims. "I'm sure of it."

Your eyes keep boring holes into the door as if your vision could penetrate it.

It's quiet for a while.

Maybe he left.

Maybe he-

A thunderous boom to the door.

"We have to at least take a look, dammit!" you exclaim and push his arm away, now decisively heading towards it.

"Wait!" Jungkook yells after you but instead of stopping you, he joins your side. Before you can make any further attempts, he mushes his face onto the platform and looks into the tiny peephole. Curiosity can hardly keep you still.

At last, Jungkook retreats and motions for you to take a look as well but you don't know whether to expect a garnison of soldiers or a horde of wild bisons behind the door because the expression on his face is unreadable.

The cold surface of the platform touching your forehead only makes you grow even more uncomfortable. Then, your eyes are able to discern an obscure figure behind the magnifying glass. "You've got to be kidding me, " you whisper as your eyes naturally widen.

This could not be.

Him, out of all people....

Both you and Jungkook exchange a look of silent agreement and he pushes the open button with no words needed. The door swings open to reveal a slightly dishevelled-looking man with multiple cuts and bruises marking his face. Those eyes you'd seen gleaming with vigilance are now tired, drowsy yet still scarred with horrors you could only imagine. You'd never forget those eyes because they had been the ones that had given you a chance to escape, a chance to save yourselves.

"What are you doing here?" Jungkook wonders, not bluntly but rather in a puzzled demeanor.

"Let me in, please. I'll explain everything, " the old bodyguard says and throws a look behind his back and down the stairs.

You and Jungkook exchange another look and then the latter opens the door wider, giving him space to enter. The bodyguard's face almost melts in relief upon the gesture. He crosses the doorstep in two huge strides, putting the farthest distance from it.

From the moment the lock clicks back in place, a deafening silence hangs into the air, adding even more to the suspense.

You decide to break the ice first. "What do you mean they're gonna kill your family?"

The bodyguard takes notice of where your eyes are fixed and he unconsciously touches a bruise on his chin. "Actually, I lied about that. I had to convince you to open the door."

Your anger flares like wild fire but before the flames can grow higher he quickly compensates for his mistake. "I'm really sorry. I had to.They...they did some things to me...I'll explain everything but I don't have much time."

"Why?" you demand. "Are they following yo-"

"What are you doing here in the first place?" Jungkook interrupts.

The man appears to be going through an internal conflict as his eyes shut tight, hands clench and unclench and the line of his eyebrows angles into a wide V. His distressed condition explained so much and yet so little. His eyes that up till now had been staring at the ground, lift to level up with yours and then flick to Jungkook's. "I went through hell itself to get here unnoticed. I'll have to go soon. But before I do, there's something you should know."

* * *

As much as Jungkook refused to drop the disgruntled attitude, he still made the man sit on the couch and then proceeded to offer him a much needed glass of water. The man drank and drank and drank like he'd forgotten its taste and freshness and after his thirst was sedated, he started chirping like a bird.

"First of all, I want to apologize about trying to take you by force back in Malta, even though in reality it was not my choice."

"We'd figured that out, " you confirm. "But why did you help us escape?"

You'd been racking your brains out for a long time now, trying to come up with a logical explanation but no answer fit in the frame. You just couldn't understand why he would put himself in danger so you could run away.

It didn't make any sense.

"I couldn't just let them take you like prisoners, " he says. "I had to at least give you a chance because I myself wasn't given one."

Jungkook's brows wrinkle in confusion. "What do you mean?"

A look of something like shame casts upon the man's face and he stares at his clasped hands. "When I first got this job, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Being a bodyguard, I had taken everything into account, including the fact that I would probably have to give up my life at some point but I never thought I'd be involved in criminal affairs."

Criminal affairs? What was he talking about?

"I thought it was normal at first. I thought this was how things normally went but when you decided to go to that trip in Malta I realized that I couldn't get out of this sucking hole no matter how much I tried. And the worst thing about it is that you've had to suffer along all this time without even knowing it."

Jungkook raises a hand to stop him. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there a second. Are you talking about Sejin making Y/N leave? And the the thing at the plane? I know he went a little too far but-"

"You think that's a coincidence?" the man shoots back. "He set everything up. From the tickets to the hotel to everything. Every single piece of it was planned out."

Your teeth grind against each other with a mixed state of anger and shock putting them into action. When you throw a glance at Jungkook's traumatised form, tears start to form at the corners of your eyes. The man's statement seemed to had jarred him to the bone and rendered him speechless, incapable of forming a coherent thought.

"I apologize for that, " the man continues. "I didn't want to say it straight away because I knew it would come as a shock to you but Mr.Sejin is not who you think he is. I've had to live with this knowledge for years now."

For a moment, Jungkook's eyes clear up and he blinks a number of times till his attention is completely aimed at the man's face. "Is this a joke or something? Did he send you here to play with us?"

The man's expression remains stoic, forever expressionless but even through his mask you could make out the scars of horrendous truths.

He wasn't lying.

You both knew that but you just couldn't accept it, even though deep down you had always sensed that the origin of your ordeals had been somehow designated.

The said bodyguard points a finger at his face. "You see these bruises, sir? They gave them to me as a punishment for not being able to bring you back. Beat me up till I fainted. When I woke up they made it clear that this time the job had to be done properly. That's why I'm here. To bring you back. But I won't be doing that. I'm here to make sure that you know who you're dealing with. I don't have the authority to talk with his superiors. Trust me, I've even tried to but he's always one step ahead of me." He smiles sadly. "I've gotten countless warnings because of that."

Jungkook puts his head in his hands and agressively ruffles his hair. "How long has this been going?"

The man doesn't hesitate. "6 years. Since the moment Ms.Y/N set foot on that company. He was obsessed with the idea of a boy-group only and didn't want any other intruders. I can witness the number of times he complained to his superiors about not letting her join. He kept pestering them, kept telling them all sorts of things but PD-nim was the one who insisted on taking her. After that he was absolutely furious. You should've seen the way he flung things around in his office. It made me scared for a moment."

He releases a long-kept sigh and shakes his head dreadfully.

"This went on for as much as I can remember. He never changed, always kept making attempts into kicking her out and covered it with a fake smile. But this time he had it all planned out to the smallest detail and couldn't afford to just brush it off as usual. That's probably his biggest mistake so far. He just couldn't stand hiding in a bush anymore so he went 'go hard or go home' I guess."

All this new information was making your head spin. Your mind wasn't helping either, continuously attaching images to the words, helping build up the portrayal of the man who had detested you for so many years, piece by piece. To say that you'd been dismayed was an understatement. You just couldn't believe your ears, couldn't wrap your head around the idea.

"What exactly had he planned?" asks Jungkook with a tint of hesitation in his voice. Understandable enough, taking into consideration the fact that he was fed up with the truths he'd heard. The bodyguard takes a sip from his glass and gulps audibly. He keeps throwing nervous looks at the door, as if waiting for someone to burst in.

"If you can remember....the accident with the saesang girl...."

No

Not that

Anything but that

"It was not an accident, " he confirms. "Your manager planned it."

No

No no no no no no-

"He hired that girl knowing she was a saesang and told her what she had to do. He promised her Jungkook would be hers if she managed to get the job done. That night, when you sneaked out into the forest, it's like you offered yourselves to her in a silver platter. And that's how it went. She took care of everything; the car, the tools, even her assistant."

He shakes his head and you see a melancholic smile cast upon his lips as he looks directly at you. "Stupid girl. She hated you so much to the point where she even ignored Sejin's orders for a moment. He'd never intended to kill you. Obviously, he wasn't that stupid. But she didn't care at all. Thought about getting rid if you since she had the chance and went all-psycho. Unfortunately for her, you managed to escape and that's when Mr.Sejin got angry. Really, really angry. His face got all red and puffy and when Namjoon-ssi tried to talk to him, worried about you gone missing, he yelled in his face."

Joon.

You can almost feel the nostalgic taste of the word in your tongue. It was like smelling that familiar aroma of fresh flowers that grew in your back yard and being swept into a wave of old memories. Sick of you, to not think enough about him all this time, when all he'd ever did was worry about you.

You missed them. All of them. So much to the point where it hurt.

Were they okay?

Now that you were certain about your manager's intentions, you couldn't help feeling concerned about the rest of the boys.

Unaware of your thoughts, the man continues with his story. "And things got even worse when she shot you and you jumped into the stream. I guess she panicked. Her voice was literally shaking from the other side of the phone during the call with manager-nim. I don't know what she said exactly but it still didn't make him give up. After all, he had to prepare for the grand finale."

Jungkook's sharp intake of breath switches your attention to him. You examine his face carefully, looking for any signs of panic but nothing makes it to the surface.

At least not yet.

"-called the ambulance to make sure you wouldn't die."

The momentary distraction had made you zone out and you're only able to catch the last part of the phrase.

"Then what?" Jungkook asks softly.

It's like the man's physiognomy is put into action; eyelids blinking furiously, lips opening and closing, hands fumbling with each-other. He seems nervous to keep talking and that only puts Jungkook on edge even more.

"Then what? " the latter insists. Bolder this time.

The man chokes the words out. "Th-then you wrestled with that girl's assistant. And-"

"And I killed him." Jungkook finishes for him. You notice the way his eyes turn glassy and distant, as if they'd travelled back in time, recalling the events.

"No, sir. He's alive."

Both yours and Jungkook's head snap in his direction with lightning speed.

Had you just imagined him saying that?

"What?" you voice.

"He didn't kill him, " the man confirms and this time you can clearly see his lips matching the words. "It was all a trick."

Clash

"No!"

Tiny little glass shards scatter across the floor, but you don't even have time to react as another loud noise joins it.

"No!" Jungkook yells again after taking out the anger on the second vase. " I don't believe you! You're lying!" He's fully risen to his feet, his chest puffed from breathing too hard. You've never seen him like this, so angry and panicked and scared.

"He's alive, sir. I'm not lying. They enacted the death-"

"Shut up!" Jungkook screams.

"-to make Y/N-ssi feel guilty and leave. Please, sir. You have to listen to me. You did not kill anyone."

A storm of emotions drowns you whole and it's impossible to pinpoint a particular feeling in the midst of all the chaos. Pain, sadness, relief, anger. They all come as a flooding mess, an absolute wreck.

But none of that matters now.

Not as you notice Jungkook from the corner of your eye, slowly sink to the floor and curl into a ball. It's just like that night at the hotel. He rocks back and forth with no awareness of his surroundings, completely lost in his despair.

The storyteller gives him a perplexed look. He must be wondering why Jungkook was reacting this way, why he didn't sigh in relief upon the news of his innocence.

That's because the man didn't know what the idea of killing someone had done to him and how hard it was to just rip that thought out of his mind. He'd convinced himself over and over that he was guilty, that he was a murderer. You'd witnessed it yourself during all those restless nights filled with nightmares driven by his own conscience. You'd both tried to speak as little as you could about it by trying to avoid that fact but now that he's given up and let himself fall apart, you're able to see how it had ruined him beyond repair.

You glare at the bodyguard to stop him from going further and rush to Jungkook's side on the floor.

And your heart shatters into a million pieces.

He's sobbing like a little child.

A grown-up man turned into a little kid just like that, with his arms wrapped around his knees, head buried low within.

You carefully approach him and crouch on the floor, putting a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "Kook..."

He doesn't even acknowledge your presence and his sobs only seem to increase but that doesn't discourage you from throwing your arms around him in a wide hug.

"It's okay, Kook. You're okay."

Suddenly, his hands wrap around your waist and he hugs you so tightly, you almost fall back. You thread your fingers through his dark silky hair and pat his head.

Another choked sob escapes his throat.

Oh how you wished you were the one suffering, not him. If only you could take all his pain from him, you'd gladly do it. You'd do anything for him.

His fists scrunch the fabric on the back of your shirt as hit tears spill on your collarbones.

"You're okay, you're okay, shhhhhhh." you whisper in his ear.

All is forgotten by now. The only thing you can focus on is to let him know that you were here, that you understood, and that it was okay to feel like this.

It was okay not to be okay.

* * *

You'd lost all sense of time with Jungkook in your arms that you'd failed to even throw a look at the man in the corner, silently waiting for the situation to cool down.

"I'm sorry." you hear Jungkook's worn voice at the side of your neck.

"Don't be." you answer. "It's not your fault."

He finally unties his hands from your waist and takes a deep breath. A dark veil still hangs in his eyes but he tries to cover it up with a weak smile. However, the smile turns a tad bit more genuine when you cup his cheek with one hand and gently caress it.

"I'll get you some water," you say and make to get up but he grips your hand and looks up at you with pleading eyes.

"Don't go."

If you could choose to have an image branded at the back of your mind, this particular one would be it. Those big round eyes and the messy curls that fell over them carelessly, that scar on his cheekbone, the one you'd always loved, and the pouty lips under the frame of which a tiny mole showed.

You feel like crying and laughing at the same time.

Yet you still understand.

He needed the physical support as much as the he needed the emotional one in order to have something to hang onto. A safe harbor to keep him from straying off into the dark corners of his traumas.

"Okay." You sit back down and Jungkook clings onto your arm almost immediately.

"Sir, " the man finally decides to speak. "I'm really sorry about everything."

Jungkook nods in affirmation.

You're just about to add something when the man's inner pocket of his coat starts to vibrate.

He gulps.

Looks at the door.

With shaking hands, he reaches inside his coat and retrieves his phone.

"It's him." he says upon taking a look at the screen.

Your senses tingle with a mind of their own. What you'd been talking about all this time takes the form of a man. The source of all your fears and sufferings.

The floor suddenly grows uncomfortable.

Bzzzzzzzz

It's like the vibrations are digging into your brain, each buzz more unbearable than the other.

The man can't seem to take it anymore. He taps on the phone and pushes it to his ear.

A gruff voice joins the line.

You're not able to catch any of the words but the man's face says it all.

Something happened.

"Don't hurt them, " he croaks.

More yelling on the other side of the phone call.

Then, silence.

At this point you don't know what to expect. You tightly squeeze Jungkook's leg in reassurance.

The man's begging eyes turn to plead with yours, desperate, hopeless. "I'm sorry, " he says and runs off to the door.

But instead of leaving, he pushes the open button.

And waits.

Your heart leaps in your throat when a dozen other bodyguards rush inside.

[thewinkstah]

My Bad Things

The Bad Things. Yeah we all have them. Each of them unique in its own way, but all to similar at the same time. To put it another way, scientists are expected to crack the human genome in the next decade. They will know how we work 100%. They will be able to cure so many defects before people are even born. It's incredible. When you get into studies that involve the mind however, we don't know near as much. We know a good bit, but we are still learning why people are people. The problem is each person is like a puzzle piece. We only kind of fit with each other though. Each attempt brings new perspective, but individuality means that we can't fit perfectly. So how can we ever completely understand one another? That's why we have our own unique problems. Each just different enough that only we can really understand them completely.

I can't begin to talk about my bad without first saying that I am very grateful for all I have, and I know it could be so much worse.

My Bad things. They haunt me. They attack me. They deceive me. The thoughts haunt me to my core. They constantly keep me in a state of anxiety. I'm constantly worried about LITERALLY everything. I evaluate all situations. I notice changes in behavior. I feel changes in others moods. I know the moment it's all going to go bad. Constant thoughts. Constant worry. Should I have said that? Should I have done that? You can put on your biggest fake smile and tell me it's okay. It won't work. I attach to your energy like a parasite. I will know. Maybe it's the twitch of your eye. Maybe it's a 1 percent change in your expression. Whatever it is, I'll know. I can't help it. I'm already scanning everything to make sure all is well, and just when it finally is, My bad things attack me. They know I've found momentary peace. They throw every horrible thing I've done right at me. Then every horrible thing I could have done. Plus anything can be horrible. I feel so hard. I could bump into you walking down the street, cause you to spill your coffee. This coffee could completely miss you, and just hit the ground. I could apologize 100 times over, and probably will. You can reassure me that all is well. These Bad Things don't forget though. So my mind will obsess over it. I'll worry if I made you late. I'll worry if you were already having a shitty day, and I pushed you over the edge. I'll worry if your coffee was your one good part of your day, and I ruined it. I'll obsess until it becomes white noise and is absorbed by this ball of emotion in my chest, adding to the ever growing pool of uncertainty within myself. That ball of emotion is so heavy. I don't know what it is. It's like a language that humans can't understand. So when I say horrible, I mean any little thing. Then if that's not enough, My Bad things will start to reveal things about me that I didn't even know. Things that I was perfectly okay with. I was perfectly secure with them. They also throw things at me that aren't true. They deceive me. They make me think inaccuracies about myself. They blur the line between reality and fiction. Some days I don't even really know who I am. Any problem I have in life goes through a process. Shock, worry, worry, worry, worry causes worsening of problem, more worrying, then I think of every bad thing that could come of this problem, followed by more worrying, then some divine intervention that somehow solves the problem. Well except the problem then goes through intense scrutiny in my mind. I dissect it until it's much worse than it actually was. Then it stays with me, forever changing me into a new person. My Bad Things are here, but I think they are unaware of something much more important. My Good Things.

[artemispanthar]

I'm sure you've been asked this before or it's been brought up in conversation, but why don't you believe our Pearl shattered Pink Diamond? I'm like trying to wrap my head around it, but all I've come up with is that she's either one of three positions: a witness to the murder of PD, an accomplice to the murder of PD or the murderer of PD. Like I definitely she was involved somehow. But mostly I'm just like...WHO ARE YOU PEARL?! 😭

I’ve talked about it a couple times before, but I’ll try to gather my reasoning here. Let’s break it down by the classic “motive, means, and opportunity” argument (and then some miscellaneous and meta/writing stuff)

Motive - 

Well, this is an easy one, she absolutely had motive. As Blue Zircon says, “It’s indisputable that as the Diamond overseeing Earth, Pink was Rose Quartz’s enemy. Rose had everything to gain by shattering her,” and this also applies to Pearl, and every other rebel. So just going off motive, sure Pearl could be the culprit. But so could every other rebel.

Means - 

“But even though she may have wanted to shatter Pink Diamond, could she?”

This is a big one, and something I think it kind of ignored about the whole situation. We talk a lot about who had the opportunity and the motive to shatter Pink Diamond, but the biggest question is how someone could shatter her.

I suppose we haven’t really had anything solid about this, but I always got the impression that Diamonds were seen as unbreakable in Gem society. They’re the ultimate, perfect beings, according to Peridot (which we can assume is the Homeworld perspective on them). I also get the impression from how much Blue wants to know how Rose shattered Pink, that even Diamonds believed they were unshatterable, until Pink got shattered (Yellow Zircon does refer to the crime as “unprecedented”)

Rose’s sword was designed specifically to not break a gem, just disrupt a Gem’s form. We can likely logically extract that all Crystal Gem weapons were designed this way.

The only weapon we know that can shatter a gem is the Breaking Point, but as far as we know only Bismuth and Rose knew of the Breaking Point’s existence.

So physically how Pink was even able to be shattered is a big question right now, and there’s currently nothing that makes it seem more possible for Pearl to have shattered Pink than for Rose to have.

Opportunity -

Pearl would have the same access problem Rose has:

Pearl is a known rebel agent so, like Rose, she would’ve been noticed long before she got up to Pink’s palanquin

Even if she somehow wasn’t recognized as a rebel, we know from “Gem Heist” that owner-less Pearls are readily noticeable and, again, would’ve been stopped before getting close to

Pearl-shapeshifted-as-Rose has the same problem as Rose herself waltzing in here - there’s no way she would be allowed to get close enough

“But what if Pearl was Pink Diamond’s Pearl?”

Pink’s shattering occurred several hundred years after the Rebellion began and Pearl was one of the original Crystal Gems, so she was already wanted at that point and no longer Pink’s Pearl.

If Pearl somehow had a back channel with Pink and, say, pretended to be a double agent or want to come back to Pink Diamond, wouldn’t this have been known to some Gems in Pink’s court?

If Pearl was a secret double agent, why shatter Pink publicly as Rose, instead of as Pearl or just secretly?

Miscellaneous - 

If true, why continue keeping it a secret within the Crystal Gems? Especially once it was clear Steven was struggling with this information and the guilt he was getting from it, to the point where he nearly plummeted to his death in part because of it?

Once Steven relates the new stuff her learned at the trial to the Crystal Gems, wouldn’t the jig be up anyway? So Pearl would have every reason to fess up as soon as the show returns, ending the mystery right away (but there’s no way they’re solving the plot this early when they only just not started it) What would be the point of continuing the secret even after Steven knows it wasn’t his mother? Eventually he would find out it was Pearl and then there would need to be a really good reason for her to give him the runaround

Meta -

Central plot points should be centrally relevant, meaning that it’s best for the main events of a story to involve the central character. SU’s central character is Steven, and by extension Rose, not Pearl.

There’s not really any relevant storyline I can think of with it being Pearl that wouldn’t work far better with it being Rose, unless the point is to shift the central character from Steven to Pearl, which is certainly not the case.

It’s difficult to explain, but focusing a major plot point like this on a main character but not the central character runs a high risk of throwing the story focus off balance, but it can be another character who isn’t one of the main characters without having this effect. 

What is the point of positing that it was a Diamond if that has nothing to do with anything?

From a storytelling perspective, Pearl keeping this a secret (without a really good compelling reason) from Steven, even knowing how it was affecting him, would make it so there’s no way that she wouldn’t look really, really bad and callous for it. I really don’t think Pearl needs another “being a horrible liar who hurts her loved ones” plotline, after the Sardonyx arc. 

If Pearl did use the Breaking Point to shatter Pink, then it makes her choosing to keep Bismuth bubbled even more of a dick move than it already was and, again, would only serve to make her even more unlikable.

Pearl has quite a number of people who dislike her character and who feel that she gets way too much focus in comparison to the other Crystal Gems. Making her the star player in one of, if not the biggest plot elements of the entire show would not only do nothing but increase the dislike for her, it would also prove that she absolutely does have more focus than the other Gems. It would make her explicitly more important and more central to the plot than they are and I just cannot see how that’s anything other than a bad idea. IMO, the Crystal Gems should always be on relatively even ground when it comes to plot relevance.

Anyways, I’m not saying it wasn’t Pearl, I’m just saying it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me for it to be her, given what we know at this time. I’ve said this before, and I still believe it, that I do certainly think “Pearl shattered Pink Diamond” would be an interesting story, it just does not seem like the right story for SU at this point in time.

Depending on what we learn going forward, I may change my mind, but this is my thinking on it for now.

[musicatheart12]

A Chat with a Bassist: Natalie Kim from Old Joy

Old Joy is an indie/alternative rock band that released their debut album on September 7th, 2018. They come from the underground New Brunswick scene and have played many basement shows around the area, with their most recent performance being for a student-run charity club at Rutgers University. This week, I got the chance to interview Old Joy's bassist, Natalie Kim, also a student at Rutgers University.

The interview:

What kind of music do you guys play?  How do you, as a band, characterize it?

It's kind of under the umbrella of Alt Rock and Indie just because we're in the local New Brunswick scene. So it's kind of like Indie, DIY kind of music.

How did the band get together?

So my two bandmates who started the band started it before I got to Rutgers. When I came here as a freshman, I met one of them, Phil, and he told me they were looking for a bassist so they kind of adopted me. And then we had no drummer, so we had to go out looking for a drummer. So yeah it started with those two people. The other two of us kind of made our way in.

How long has the band been together?

I joined at the very end of summer before freshman year, and back then we had a like a different drummer like every month.

That's interesting.

Yeah, it was kind of weird since I play bass. Bass and drum really have to work with each other so I would change what I played for like every person. It was kind of rocky to start with, but we found someone about 3 months in, who ended up staying for the rest of the next summer. So when we all decided we were in it for the long run, that's when we recorded our first album.

Wow, that's very cool. Yeah, but he decided to go back to school, so literally the day of our release party, we got a new drummer.

Oh wow! Fun fact, drummers are like the hardest people to find because if you're going to be a drummer, you have to be good because everyone can hear you. There was a really big shortage of drummers, and this is a problem that every band has.

I didn't know that.

So in this current state, we've been together about 2 months.

So even though the current band is fairly new, are you guys still playing songs from the first album?

Our new drummer, he didn't make his parts, he had to learn it. But obviously, from now on, it's going to be him.

Are you guys going to make any new music?

We've started making some new stuff, but we're probably going to record, I don't know, not for a while.

That makes sense.

Maybe sometime next year. But it's also a lot different, because the two members that started the band found me after everything was already written so like, in this case, it's everyone. It's more democratic in the way we're making music. It's like everyone is developing it together, rather than it being the work of two people.

So, I know you're a full-time student. It must be difficult to find time to practice.

It's f***ing hard. The good thing with my band is, they're really good at planning ahead. We'll set up a date for a rehearsal a week or two weeks in advance, I'm so grateful. The worst is definitely when we're recording an album. It was so hard last winter. I'd have to go down to the recording studio like twice a week, and it's like an hour away, so like what I ended up doing is bringing my homework and doing it in a dark lit basement. It was hard work, but it definitely paid off because now it's just basement shows and events, which are just a weekend sort of thing. Sticking it through recording was definitely a good idea.

Were you taught music/playing or writing? Are you self-taught?

Kind of, so like, I think I developed an ear for music growing up from piano lessons as a kid. Even though that only went up until like fifth grade, that's what taught me how to read music. And then through middle school, I played French horn, I played flute.  And when I got into high school, that’s when I picked up bass and I really should've taken lessons then. I regret not taking lessons when I had the time to when I was like 14. I kind of just learned bass by ear. And the internet's fantastic.

I have other questions, but I'm trying to think of a question based on what you just said.

I mean I can keep talking if you want.

Yeah, go for it if you want!

I mean, here's the thing about bass, so like I've had my friends ask me to teach them before. A lot of people have this conception that "oh I have to start the same way I learned piano" with all the scales and fundamentals, but I think for bass it's heavy on intuition. Of course, you'll be a better musician if you know all the techniques and fundamentals but like you cannot be a bassist if you do not have some kind of musical intuition. Like over the first year I picked it up, by the end of the year, I listened to music differently. I never noticed bass parts before I started playing. And then once it like really clicks you start to listen for it, and that eventually grows into the intuition. Especially playing in a band versus an orchestra. I play in an orchestra every year, and it's much more technical. Playing in the underground music scene, its more about what sounds good, what works versus what doesn’t work.

So it's more about understanding the vibe?

Yeah, kind of. It's like what people say about writing, how you can't be a good writer unless you read a lot, it's the same way. You have to listen to a lot of music to be able to play well.

Do you guys ever spend time experimenting with different kinds of music, or do you stick to the same kind of genre?

Right now, most of our rehearsals are geared toward preparing for shows. But in terms of being experimental, I'd say there are 2 parts to that. Number one, there's a lot of cover songs. We'll just like jam sometimes and go off of each other and play whatever. But also we're like trying to be different for our second album… now that we're trying to follow up to our first album, we're trying to be more advanced in terms of adding more atmospheric sounds and big picture stuff. We're going to add some synth, maybe some more keyboard stuff. I think like in terms of experimenting, I'd like to do it more, but we're not going in the wrong direction.

I know Old Joy plays a lot of basement shows. What other kinds of gigs do you guys play?

Just last Friday we performed at the student center for the Seeing Eye club, I forget exactly what the event was called. Yeah so we did that, it was a fundraiser. And in a month we're going to be doing Overnight Sensations which is like a program run by WRSU, which is a Rutgers radio station. So every week they have bands come late at night. We've also done a lot of other charity shows.

And as far as setlist goes, do you have a specific order you play in?

Our album is 7, 8 songs. There are some songs that we all love, and some that we all don't want to play. So we'll play 4 to 5 songs and we'll do like one cover.

So it's short.

Yeah, it's usually like a half hour set. Also a lot of these songs, we recorded them in the winter so almost a year ago. Now that we're more mature musicians it's kind of like, I wish we recorded this differently or played this differently.

Do you guys tease new music in your shows?

Yeah we played a new song at our last show, which was last Friday… but yeah definitely.

Do you need to think about the audience, or do you just do you (as a band)?

It depends. We don't have very many songs yet, so there's a skeleton that we have to follow. It's usually the cover that we'll very. And then the other thing we'll mix up is the order. Sometimes it’s the energetic songs first if everyone seems dead. The hardest part is definitely when everyone's like "one more song!" and we don't have any more song.

What's your response to that? Do you guys play a song from the album that you wouldn't normally play?

We'll play another cover song, we have stuff that we kind of keep in the back in case we need it. But I wish we had more stuff.

How does recording working?

So basically what happens is, first everyone plays, to get a scratch track for timing purposes. Then everyone will go in on their own and we'll put it into the computer and do it as many times as it takes to get it right. It can take forever sometimes. And so the way we did this album was each time we went down there, we'd record one song. It took a while, but it turned out ok. The recording was less than half. The rest of the time was just mixing and then sending it out to get it mastered. Honestly, I'm not a fan of recording because sometimes I can get really perfectionistic. That’s why I really like playing basement shows. I don’t think I've ever played the same song the same way twice. Like this kind of goes back to the experimental thing. Thank god we play live shows because that's where you get to be creative as a musician.

How did you guys come up with the order of the album?

It's weird, I don’t think we discussed the whys of it. We all kind of came to a consensus. It might be a little bit subconscious, and it kind of goes back to the intuition of it. There might be some legitimate reason to it, like songs being in the same key. From what I can observe, I think the biggest things are tempo and mood. As an Alt rock, indie almost emo band, there are energetic happy songs like typical Alt Rock songs, but there are also songs that are really emotional. Like we have this one song "Rover Shore". Watching Phil do the vocals for that was literally spiritual. Like I've never seen anyone put so much emotion into one song. So obviously you wouldn't put that first. We put that sort of in the middle near the end. We never discussed the explicit details, it just flows somehow.

Yeah, it just feels right.

Do you guys plan on making music videos?

We filmed a music video last year, but because we switched drummers, we had to scratch all of that. I really wanted to because one of the girls in the band is a film major. It's definitely possible, the only issue is we all have no time. 3 of us are students, and one graduated but he has a full-time job. Yeah, the biggest issue is definitely time. I understand why some bands buy a house and live together like it definitely makes sense.

Do you have any other interesting stories? Anything cool!

The most exciting moment of being in this band was this Friday. We were at a house for a show and me and my bandmate we were just walking from one side of the room to the other, and we heard a group of people talking and they said Old Joy. It was the coolest thing 'cause it was like people actually know us. That was so exciting even though it was such a small thing because people actually recognize us. Like last week someone was at work and they said some of our music was on the radio. It was really cool!

What's weird is that the style of music that we play is not my style.

So what is your style?

I've never really gotten into indie music, but I figured I'd try it out. When I play on my own, I play a lot of Jazz and Funk. So this is very very very different. And this type of music isn't what I listen to but it's so interesting because the number of things you can do on bass is infinite. I do appreciate it, it's definitely grown on me. Before, all indie music sounded the same. Like to the average person, all classical music sounded the same. It's cool that I've learned so much through this.

Does it make it hard, not having listened to indie music beforehand?

When I first started, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was sticking to the root notes, keeping time. Super simple. By the time recording rolled around, I got the hang of it enough to create my own tracks, but looking back on it now, I would do things 100% differently.  

Natalie Kim is a talented young artist making her way through with her bandmates. With the first album already out, and another in the works, Old Joy is already paving their path into music. It's cool to see the beginning of a band that is transforming into something bigger, especially coming out of a local music scene.

Check out some of their songs: