otsmancusumano713

[myfriendscallmeweird]

[sharpfamily]

Hey, Eleazar. How is it to be the only Ravenclaw in a house full of Slytherins (except for your mother, possibly)?

“Eleazar, looks like you got the first owl!”

“Are you serious, Maggs?”

“I am! They want to know it was for you to live in a family full of proud members of the Best House”

“I’ll take that, thank you very much”

Thank you so much for asking! Growing up in a house full of Slytherins was… you see, when we were little we knew that Dad was (is) a Slytherin and Mum a Ravenclaw and that was pretty much the extent of it although there was always a little bit of ribbing and good natured competitiveness between them.

It never really mattered to our parents which house we ended up in, so long as we made good friends and applied ourselves in our studies. We do have a lot of Slytherin traits in our family, I'd say resourcefulness and determination in particular exist in all of us but growing up I always saw them as… Sharp traits, if that makes sense? I'd also add a cutting sense of humor. No offense to my fellow Eagles but from my experience, Slytherins are the ones who will give you a good laugh when you need it! I never felt out of place growing up even though some part of me always knew I’d be in a different house than the rest of the lot.

When it came time for us to attend Hogwarts, nobody was surprised when Maggs ended up in Slytherin and the same applied for when I got sorted, everyone just knew I'd end up an Eagle. I did wish at the time that I'd been sorted in the same house as Maggs though, I was honestly afraid I wouldn't be able to make friends on my own. I've never exactly been the outgoing type you see… It took some time and it felt a little lonely at first, but then I realized I would still get to see my sister a lot, during meals, when the post arrives, during breaks between classes and we usually try to go to Hogsmeade together every once and awhile! Just because we’re not sleeping meters away doesn’t change that.

I also DID manage to find myself a tight knit group of friends in the end, a second family if you will… Nothing like the real thing of course but we have loads of fun!

When the twins were sorted into Slytherin, I heard that Dad did get a little smug about it until Mum reminded him that the potions prodigy was a Ravenclaw so, you know… quality over quantity I suppose

“I HEARD THAT!”

“YOU HEARD NOTHING MAGGS!”

In any case, the whole family’s in on the ribbing and good natured competitiveness nowadays, both at school and when we're visiting home, but in the end we're all Sharps. And that's the only house that truly matters to us in the end.

Once again, thank you for the owl!

Eleazar

Ravenclaw is the Best House though, Go Eagles!

[maenvs3000f24]

Unit 3 Blog Post

Privilege, to me, refers to certain advantages or opportunities that are accessible to some people but not to everyone. Oftentimes it’s a life you were born into and beyond our control. After reading this week's textbook readings and the course link content, it is evident that privilege most definitely plays a role in nature interpretation. 

As a white female, coming from an upper-middle class family I am privileged. An example that made me realize this is, I don’t have to worry about school finances, as my parents are paying for my undergrad tuition. This results in the money I made from my summer job going to other things I may want or need. I have privilege. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own barriers that I must overcome, but not as much or as significant as others. 

The barriers to nature that many face are diverse. They discourage people of minority who don’t have the privilege maybe as you or me to attend parks or interpretive programs. The textbook outlines several barriers, including economic barriers like park entrance fees and the costs of transportation, lodging, and food. Cultural barriers, activities like camping may be seen as fun for some groups of people, while for others, it could be associated with homelessness. There’s also a communication barrier, since English is often the default language in park signs, posters and programs, non-English speakers may struggle to fully engage. Additionally, a lack of knowledge about how to navigate natural spaces, or a fear of wildlife or discrimination, can prevent people from feeling comfortable in these settings.

These are just some barriers pertaining to park attendance stated in the textbook that I chose to highlight. Reflecting on these barriers, I can say with all the privilege that I have, not one of the things mentioned is a barrier for me. Even though I’ve never been camping, I could easily overcome that with a Google search or by asking a friend. This availability of information is not universal, and for many, overcoming these barriers is much harder. 

I like how the textbook mentions some ways interpreter parks can overcome these barriers to give less privileged people an opportunity to have the same experiences as someone who is privileged. For example, providing transportation to parks or bringing interpretive programs to local communities could help with the economic barrier. Reducing cultural barriers could involve inviting minority groups to participate in outdoor activities. Multilingual communication can help break down language barriers, and hiring more staff from minority backgrounds can address fears related to discrimination or exclusion.

Privilege might not always be obvious when we think about nature interpretation, but it is undeniably present. Before this week’s course content, I hadn’t fully recognized the extent of my own privilege in this context, but now it’s clear how significantly it shapes my experience of the natural world.

[ecsundance]

Final Sundance/Slamdance Blog

It is hard to believe that my time at Sundance (this year) is up.  What an incredibly exhilarating and eye-opening experience; I was not ready to leave.  Not only was I touched by the amazing films I watched, but I was also inspired by the sheer talent that was displayed, as well as the creative artists I had the pleasure to meet.

Prior to our arrival in Park City, Utah, the class had about two weeks of classes exploring what independent cinema is at its core.  Throughout our class discussions, as well as analysis of Michael Z. Newman's text Indie: An American Film Culture, I was able to identify what makes independent cinema independent cinema.  Newman states that independent cinema “appeals as realism, understood as character-focused storytelling set in recognizable, familiar locales, within the context of indie culture.” (Newman 96-97).  In addition to his definition, I learned that the key elements include on-location filming, limited budgets, unconventional distribution methods, and innovative storytelling techniques.  He claims that independent cinema must be understood culturally, and while I understood this claim to some extent before the festival, after hands-on experience, I could not agree more.  To me, independent cinema serves as an artistic means to capture the essence of humanity; this essence does not only exist or come through economic, stylistic, or thematic terms; it is understood through a cultural lens.

Attending the festival in person also illuminated Newman's points about the business behind film festivals.  The whole festival is jam-packed with networking events and opportunities to grow yourself and your talent, as well as share your art in hopes of reaching the next step.  It was such an incredible space to be as a young aspiring filmmaker because of all of the like-minded people around that had expertise in different areas of the entertainment industry. 

Below is my film watchlist from Sundance and Slamdance (Favorite to Least Favorite) 

Feature Length

#1: A New Kind of Wilderness (My Favorite Feature)

Everything from the relationships captured, the beautiful scenery and nature, the mother’s narration and paired artwork, as well as the raw emotion portrayed in this film, was beautiful.  I have always been a fan of documentaries because I love how they are able to so naturally observe people in their natural habitat without judgement.  This film was so unique because it was broken up into little segments that each focused on getting to hear from a different member of the family; it created a very strong relationship with the viewers and each of the characters. 

#2: A Real Pain

Jesse Eisenburg’s film was the first one that I watched online because all of the in-person screenings I would have been able to attend were sold out.  I loved the characters in this film and thought the script was so natural and true to humans.  Of course, being filmed on location and capturing such an emotional space evoked a reaction from me just as it did for the characters, 

#3: My Old Ass

I loved this film about growing pains and coming of age because I was able to relate and understand where the protagonist was coming from.  The dynamics between characters were developed extremely well and the complexities that come with growing into oneself while growing out of an old version of you was beautiful. 

#4: As We Speak

This film was about rap music and the criminalization of rap lyrics and culture.  Going into the film, I had no expectations as I have never been much of a rap fan, but throughout the film I gained so much respect for the art and the culture that it surrounds.  I also loved how the director educated the audience with statistics and real-life situations.  I think the Q&A segment that followed this film was the most impactful.  

#5: How to Have Sex

I really loved this film because it revealed the fine line that comes with consent, a topic not often approached in filmmaking.  It was honest, beautifully cinematic, and unique.   

#6: Will and Harper

This story was so beautiful to watch.  It was a story of friendship and understanding; I love how the cinematography followed the friendship between Will and Harper and how their relationship evolved throughout the film based on their experiences on the road.  

#7: Hit Man

Although this film seemed a lot more mainstream and Hollywood than the other films I watched at the festival, it was a clever take on a murder mystery and a modern-day love story.  I was engaged teh whole time and was constantly wondering what was going to happen next. 

#8: The Greatest Night in Pop

#9: African Giants

A common throughline for most of the films I watched at both the Slamdance and Sundance festivals was relationships within families, especially brothers.  There was so much emotion packed into this film, and I think that the direction that allowed the politics and societal conflicts to mesh with the family dynamic was beautifully done. 

#10: Sebastian

#11: Good One

This film was beautifully written, and I loved the use of silence as a driving force.  The acting was incredible, and the protagonist really captured the subtle discomfort that comes with growing up.  This film is low on my list because I think that it could have made for a much more impactful short film than a full-length feature.

#12 Little Death 

#13: Stress Positions (My Least Favorite)

This film was definitely creative and detail-oriented however, it was almost too much to watch.  The characters were so interesting to analyze, and there were moments of incredible humor as well, but it felt as if the abstract ideas of the film were forced; it felt a bit unnatural. 

Narrative Shorts Block 1

#14: Deserter (My Favorite Short)

This short film was about an elderly woman struggling with a bad case of either dementia or Alzheimer's.  The film happens mainly in the car on the way to the senior center, where the daughter is dropping the mom off to get help.  It was very raw and emotional; I loved how intimate the camera was able to get with both of the actresses.  

#15: My Son Went Quiet

This short film was about a grieving family after the loss of their mother.  The father narrates it as he struggles with how to navigate the new emptiness, as well as how he perceives his son and the unhealthy mechanisms both use to try and deal with the loss. 

#16: European Man… American Beach

Although this film was created with comedy at the forefront of the director, it was an interesting and entertaining depiction of American life and how American culture has made us afraid of the human body, like we are repulsed by the natural. 

#17: We Are All Dogs

This short film was really funny, and although it didn’t have a super clear beginning as to where it might go, it became clear at the end that it was a comment on society and how, at the end of the day, we are all “dogs” and should treat each other as equals with respect. 

#18: Lan’s Garden

#19: Burnt Milk

I would have loved to have talked with the director about this film so I could understand it better; I think it went over my head.  Visually, this film was exciting to watch, and the use of a voice-over poem opening and closing was powerful; I wish I had more time to analyze the meaning. 

Episodic Pilot Showcase

#20: La Mesias 

This pilot was so interesting to watch as it weaved together several different genres and ideas while keeping the tense family dynamic thread throughout.  It utilized flashbacks to give background to the characters and their situation while ending on an odd note that left the audience craving the next episode.  

#21: Penelope

I think this pilot was very sweet and, similar to a lot of the films I watched throughout the week, captured growing pains in a unique and relatable way.  I would be interested to see further episodes and how the protagonist grows further in the season, as the pilot was a bit slow-paced. 

#22: Me/We

Talks

Cinema Café: Jesse Eisenberg and Chiwetel Ejiofor

This talk was so interesting not only because the films that both directors created were so deep and incredible but also because they were both very passionate about their projects and knowledgeable about this topic of conversation.  I loved how each of them spoke about the process that came with both directing their films as well as starring in them and how they had to work past their directorial instincts to really get to the heart of the scene and the character. 

Cinema Café: André Holland & Steven Soderbergh

The Impact of Casting Panel

Until next time. Sundance, thank you for everything you taught me.

-Alexis Lariviere

[whatonyogaearth]

Yoga and Nature

“How can you buy or sell the sky, the warmth of the land?... All things are connected. Whatever befalls the Earth befalls the sons of the Earth. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.” Chief Sealth, 1854

By Joanna Bertzeletos. This article was originally written in 2006. The article is even more relevant and poignant in our world today!

Stress: The biggest killer in the 21st Century?

Over 20 years ago I studied 'Ecology of Health' and as part of this course I had to write an assignment on what the general health of people would be like in the 21st Century. As clear as if it were yesterday I still remember the statistics the World Health Organisation predicted for the early part of the 21st Century. That one in three people will suffer from stress related illness and that this would be the biggest killer.

Here we are in the early part of the 21st Century and the prediction has indeed become a fact. The majority of people you speak to describe themselves as being stressed, having no time, a bad diet and being generally unhappy and in poor health. We have high levels of blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, anxiety, loneliness and depression etc. There are high levels of substance abuse both legal and illegal. All of these are stress related illnesses.

DIS-harmony / DIS-ease

You begin to wonder why this DIS-harmony and DIS-ease is occurring in the majority of the world. To the extent that even our children are suffering from it. There is no time to play, to enjoy simply lying on the earth and watching the clouds float by, to watch a flower as it slowly blooms or to learn how to climb a tree. Indeed there is no time to walk bare foot over a meadow or to wade in a river.

If we look at the word disease... what is causing us to not be at ease, to be causing the DIS-ease? Our bodies are not well, our society is diseased, our live stocks and crops are also in DIS-harmony. But let us just look at the human factor, we are not a well people and when we look at what is causing this DIS-ease it is attributed to the lifestyle we lead.

The plague of box-living

City living has its advantages but also DIS-connects us from our earth mother. This DIS-connection from the earth is harming both the people and Gaia. After all we have a symbiotic relationship with each other and this has now become severed. In fact you know when our DIS-connection with the earth has occurred when young peoples' reaction to walking bare footed on the earth is "that’s disgusting and gross Miss." Or when adult walkers in Padley Gorge see you bare foot and they say in a joking, hesitant way, “You're brave, rather you than me.” Since when has dirt, mud, and walking on the earth with your soles been disgusting, gross or a brave act? This surely is cleaner than living in a polluted city and eating all the chemical food we eat.

Through my experience of teaching yoga I have noticed that there is a clear DIS-comfort when you ask people to do yoga in bare feet. They look at you a bit anxiously and with great hesitancy they take their shoes off and then slowly after a few weeks of attending classes they may progress to taking their socks off. Asking young people to do yoga bare footed in a hall let alone go walking outside in the countryside has become a great challenge. They have a great fear that they may catch something!

This reluctance to feel the earth with your feet is of great concern to me. Such a simple act can mean so much. The barrier between you and the earth that is created by keeping shoes and socks on indicates how DIS-connected we are with what is natural. Why do we have a fear of Gaia? Our lives consist of living in a box, traveling in a box to go to another box to work on the PC box and then returning to the box to relax in front of a variety of boxes. Even our meals are now cooked in a box. We want our gardens to be low maintenance so we cement them over to enable us to park our cars on them instead.

Yoga and nature

We need to relearn what we have lost in just a few generations. We need to start off with the simple steps of getting to know our bodies, how they work and how we interact with ourselves, the space around us and then nature. Yoga connects us with all these different levels and then with Gaia. By developing our self-awareness of our body through yoga we explore how we are linked to the earth beneath us and the environment around us.

Dru Yoga is based on Hatha teachings but added to the Hatha asanas are a number of flowing sequences, Energy Block Releases and breath work thus enabling the energy to flow freely throughout the body. When we flow freely we become deeply attuned to Gaia, we reconnect with the earth and the environment. Sadly a lot of us have lost this connection due to modern city living. This harmonising can have very powerful effects. For example, the standing foundation pose of yoga, Tadasana (Mountain Pose), teaches us not only how to stand in the correct alignment and breathe fully but also links people to the earth through the feet and legs. You allow the earth energy to travel up through the souls of the feet, into the legs, through the spine, spilling out through the crown of your head into the sky. You feel secure with strong, deep roots into the earth, firmly holding you down but at the same time feeling the freedom and expansiveness of the sky, sun, stars, moon and galaxy above you. You stand in your own power in the centre of the universe and know you can achieve anything you put your mind to.

From a stationary pose and having tuned into yourself we then move into a beautiful flowing sequence, such as the Earth, Sun or Moon Sequence (Prithvi, Surya or Chandra Namaskar being their respective Sanskrit names), the Seat of Compassion Sequence or Salutations to the Four Directions, and there are many more. Each posture, sequence and breathing exercise is done with reverence, beauty and grace. It is a way of communicating respect and gratitude for what we have. Each also has its own subtle energy or power that goes with it because each one works the body in a slightly different way, therefore impacting on different emotions and thought patterns.

As your yoga practice develops you will find yourself freeing up. You may even notice that you start to let go of certain fears or habits. It is like a feeling of coming home, being comfortable with who you are and knowing to respect yourself and our environment, our mother earth. Connecting on all our levels, knowing ourselves, our family, our community, our city, our Earth and our Gaia.    

Joanna Bertzeletos

2006

“Flexibility in movement creates flexibility in mind. Flexibility in mind gives the possibility of openness. Openness helps us to connect.” Rita Goswamit, 2006

[jzhwritingaboutlove]

Love is Unrequited (Week 10)

My Own Private Idaho is probably by far the saddest film I have watched in this class because it makes me wonder if humans are meant to ever form genuine and lasting connections and that maybe the fate for all beings is to accept solitude and face the hardship of life alone. The reason why I had such a question is because I do not see what Mike and Scott have as true friendship and most definitely not mutually reciprocated love. Perhaps Mike feels some sense of love towards Scott, but such an affection is obviously unrequited as Scott leaves him and returns to the upper class social circle he was in with a newly married wife. But first, what is friendship?

C.S. Lewis presents a view of friendship centering around a shared common interest or belief in the same truths. Unlike romantic love or familial love that often have biological backing, “friendship is- in a sense not at all derogatory to it - the least natural of loves; the least instinctive, organic, biological, gregarious and necessary” (Lewis 58). Two people become friends when they “have in some degree drawn apart together from the herd” and the community may even dislike and distrust it and its “leaders can feel uneasy when close and strong friendships arise between little knots of their subjects” (Lewis 58). Hence, there is a differentiation between simple companionship and true friendship. Applying to our own context in modern life, I think what Lewis points out is the distinction between proximity friends, acquaintances, and true friends. Growing up, we attend school and many other regularly repeated activities or occasions where we repeatedly see the same people, developing a sense of familiarity or bond that does not derive from our actual compatibility in values and character but rather chance and that we happen to appear in the same place coincidentally. Yet, it is a lot easier to evolve such proximity friendships into long-lasting genuine ones when we are younger because we have not had a developed or established character or value system yet. Being together means that we are also developing our worldviews together, which tend to become similar due to that proximity. Such development in interpersonal relationship becomes more challenging and rare as people enter adulthood with already established value systems. Therefore, Lewis says how lovers are “absorbed in each other” while friends are “absorbed in some common interest” (Lewis 61). 

It is because of this definition of what friendship is that makes me question the nature of the relationship between Mike and Scott. They appear to be too different, too far apart that they seem to not share the same truths. Scott comes from an affluent and privileged background who only chooses to temporarily deviate and be a “bad” teenager joining the homeless people both for fun and for his inheritance plan. Mike is a very simple person with no possession but narcolepsy and deeply ingrained emotional trauma due to his toxic family and the fact that he is a child of incest. And both of them seem to acknowledge this insurmountable gap between them. When they sit by the fireside, Mike is very timid and hesitant in sharing his thoughts and feelings towards Scott, with the most he can say being “I love you and you don’t pay me”. Although Scott knows clearly what Mike is suggesting, he evades the elephant in the room and hugs him saying that “you’re my best friend”. What does “best friend” really mean in this case? They barely share their values on things or exchange future plans. Both know to some extent that what they have now is temporary and has a deadline, which is when Scott decides that he has had enough of this life experiment and returns to his wealth, where he belongs. What Mike and Scott have is more like companionship where they help each other and have a lot of fun together making fun of other people in the herd. Scott possibly chooses Mike because he is simple, innocent, and pure, different from the other more calculating homeless men like Bob that Scott does not like. Mike, on the other hand, is aware of the limitations in their relationship and does not even feel entitled enough to bid a proper farewell to Scott or beg him to stay when he leaves with his girlfriend. He knows that they are too far apart. Hence he accepts Scott’s disappearance from his world and when he meets him again, this time all dressed up in suit coming out from a fancy car, he does not even approach him like what Bob does. He observes from afar, appearing to be indifferent. C.S. Lewis says that “those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers” (Lewis 67). Perhaps Mike, though being a genuine and sincere person, is meant to not have friends because life puts too many restrictions on him. He does have nothing and does not know where he is going. Just as he says, “I'm a connoisseur of roads” and “this road will never end”. 

Aristotle explains mutuality in friendship to be that “they must be mutually recognized as bearing goodwill and wishing well to each other” (Annas). I do think Mike and Scott wish each other well because they, at the bottom of their hearts, still seem to be nice people and believe that the other person also is worthy of nice treatment. But Aristotle also explains friendship in relation to the self, saying that philia for others stems from relation to oneself or self-love. I felt sad watching the film because I think Mike is divested of the ability to truly love himself because of the environment of his upbringing. I really wish there could be a person who appears in his life to give him the warmth he wishes to have. Right now, it seems like the roads are his friends and what he can trust and count on the most. 

[watevermelon]

Fate | Kageyama Tobio x Reader (One-shot)

✧ Summary: For years you watched Kageyama grow - from his time as king of Kitagawa Daiichi to the seemingly aloof setter on Karasuno. Your lives were a set of near misses; distant friends, but never getting any closer. You figured that once you entered Shiratorizawa High that it would be the end of your friendship. Thankfully, it was only the beginning.

➳ Tags: Slight Oikawa x Reader; Fluff with very minimal angst; Reader transfers from Seijoh to Shiratoriazawa so there’s drama; I love Oikawa but oooF this is not a good fic of him ➳ A/N: Captain-Sama! In the groupchat is the username for the female captain of Shiratorizawa and do you know da wae is the reader’s lmao

Navigation

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As much as Oikawa complained about him, you understood Kageyama Tobio to a certain extent.

You spotted the setter during your shared time at Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High, him being one year your junior. There was no doubt the genius and pure talent that was coursing through his veins - he was surely going to make whichever high-school he attended proud.

You had the same position as him on the women's volleyball team and served as vice-captain in your second-year, alongside a third-year who held their head just as high.

There was nothing more scary than the thought of looming talent, creeping up on you until you were rendered absolute. Oikawa, you were sure, had felt that since the moment Kageyama was placed as an alternate setter during his first-year. It was a daunting feeling, to work on something at all hours of the day and know that there was someone who could easily render it all worthless.

But that did not mean it was fair to treat the poor first-year that way.

Iwaizumi was the senpai Kageyama deserved, but the blueberry held a strange respect for the setter two years his senior. No matter how much of a jerk Oikawa proved to be, through his biting words or taunting nature to the other setter, that did not change how amazing of an all-around player Oikawa was. And that made Kageyama respect him even more.

You respected Kageyama's genius, even helping him personally with his jump-serves, but there was no doubt that he heavily relied on Oikawa's example.

You wondered how long that would last.

Oikawa progressed to Aobajōsai High School at the end of the year. And, to everyone's surprise and obvious disapproval, you did not advance to the white-and-blue signature colors of the school that most Kitagawa Daiichi students went to.

The vice-captain and later full captain of the women’s Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High volleyball team was not going to Aobajōsai.

You would be branded a traitor by the lesser students, people who served as your other teammates that you were not close to. But your friends around you knew just who much you worked hard and aspired to have this academic achievement. You, in the depths of your hearth, admitted that you wanted to be on a team that almost guaranteed victory, with teammates who you could conduct and control the game with.

Unlike what many had hoped, you were going to Shiratorizawa Academy.

Your grades were well above average, actually landing you in the top five in your class among your entire graduating year. What stood you out among the endless crowds of talented setters, beyond your unending potential, was your already rounded ability as an aggressive server. Your jump-serves were better than the other first years in your newly minted class (an ability that came as a perk of being a certain Oikawa Tōru's friend).

Given both an academic and sports scholarship, you flashed a blinding smile at your junior high graduation, parents and friends clapping at your achievements.

You felt blessed to have such supportive parents, ones who, despite their busy work schedules, still attempted to attend your major volleyball games. And had vocally voiced to you their approval of your wanting to go to Shiratorizawa, offering to pay for it out of pocket if you had not received a scholarship.

You could not ask for better parents than these.

Shiratorizawa Academy handed you a new ass - giving an entirely new meaning to practice and torture. 

You accepted the position as alternate to the regular setter with a smile, happy to just be on the bench and not cheering from the stands. If anything, the first few months of Shiratorizawa showed you that you had so much more to learn.

But you were eager for the challenge.

A particular practice match with the women's team from Itachiyama Academy solidified your need for much more training. You wanted to be a reliable pillar to the team, for whatever role you needed to sub into for the game. Whether it be just as a pinch server or when the regular setter was sick, you wanted to demonstrate the winning attitude that came with being a student to a school of absolute victors.

You spent your first-year training nonstop, your fellow first-year students surprised at your youthful vigor and unending stamina. But you had to prove yourself better than reliable, that you were going to uphold the Shiratorizawa standard for setters and more if you wanted to be a regular.

You related to Shirabu and Kawanishi, fellow students in your year who were keen on becoming regulars to the men’s volleyball team. Both you and Shirabu had not attended Shiratorizawa Junior Academy, instead coming from separate junior high's that were considered lesser. Because of this, you two came in ‘brand-new’ with no friends or experience with the school personally. Shirabu grew to have an obvious close relationship with Kawanishi, but you found yourself gravitating toward them every once in a while, as well.

The rivalry between your school and Seijō took the back-burner during your training. You would see some of your previous friends when there were practice matches between your schools and you made an effort to text and even hang with some of them if given the time, but volleyball man. 

It was hard to manage your academic workload alongside giving more than one-hundred percent in your sport.

When the Interhigh-Preliminaries rolled around, you watched from the stands as second-year Oikawa Tōru had already taken the helm as vice-captain and regular setter of the Aobajōsai volleyball team. You were silently proud of your brunet senpai, despite how gaudy and annoying he could be, there was no denying Oikawa’s obvious skill and love for the sport.

The rivalry between specifically Ushijima and your previous senpai ran bone-deep and it was easily palpable to everyone watching the match, even more so to you, who sat at least a hundred feet away but knew both young men personally now.

After the game, you went down and put a comforting hand on Oikawa's shoulder, who gave a small grimace at the motion before fully standing to look at you. It was easy to morph your appearance and identity with the other students adorned with purple tracksuits, (since not matter who, they all annoyed the hell out of him) but Oikawa remembered your face personally from Kitagawa Daiichi.

The two of you were not especially close during junior high, but definitely friends that would often converse on a daily basis. Since you were the vice-captain of the women's team while Oikawa was captain of his, you often shared your personal woes and experiences. 

You even had a shared extra-curricular class in some science-related subject (you knew he was a closeted nerd, no matter how much he denied it). He was definitely a friend of yours, but you never truly knew what was going on in that head of his.

Oikawa’s eyes widened at recognizing your face, before dropping down the bold font of your school's name at the front of your jacket.

"And here I was, wondering if you had moved or died." Oikawa started with a small smirk, "This is much worse."

You lightly punched at his shoulder and then sighed, "Believe it or not, even though you're such a nuisance, I missed you."

Oikawa smiled, but then held a hand over his heart in feigned offense. "Nuisance?"

"I missed you, big oof." You put a loose arm under his and wrapped it around his middle in a side-hug, surprising the brunet who quickly returned the action. "I'm proud of how far you've come.

He rolled his eyes and attempted to pull away, "I don't need you to baby me."

"I won't." You stated in a firm voice, "But I do know you will continue to do whatever it takes to destroy my school."

Oikawa looked at you, fully peered at your countenance as he soaked in your words, before nodding in affirmation. You shared more words of conversation, catching up between friends who had not seen each other in a whole year, before he returned back to his team.

Like the previous Seijō captain, you were relentless in your training during your first-year. You wanted nothing more than to be the regular setter on your team. It was not enough being the sub, even as a first-year, you wanted to prove your abilities on the center-court in an official game.

The regular setter was a third-year, with graduation looming around the corner. Both you and your second-year counterpart were eyeing the position with eager eyes, but your work ethic did not fail you.

GroupChat: Caw Caw SHIRATORIZAWA ୧༼ д ͡༽୨

07:57   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )             welcome aboard (L/N)!!

07:57   From: Captain-Sama!             congrats (L/N)!

07:57  From: do you know da wae            aw thanks! But it wasn’t without the help of the team (✿ ♥‿♥)

07:57  From: do you know da wae            also congrats to shirabu and kawanishi!

07:58   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )             i ship it

07:58   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            thank you and you too

07:58   From: Captain-Sama!             but there’s three of them

07:58   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩            thanks b + you 2

07:58   From: the most tender Salami             ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

07:58   From: the most tender Salami             Also yah congrats but im watching you

There was no question that every eye of both the men’s and women’s volleyball teams were now scanning the shared groupchat with narrowed eyes. The newly formed regular positions were just released this morning and everyone was eagerly anticipating to see their names announced.

You were thankful that the women’s captain was so friendly, offering congratulations for your achievement, unlike many other envious third-years who were now sitting on the bench.

You were pronounced as the regular setter in your second-year, your older senpai inwardly sneering at the pronouncement. Nothing was set in stone and no player was ever safe in their position, (unless of course you were Ushijima Wakatoshi), but your older teammate knew better than to waver in their own training.

Which is why you were not personally offended when the kind-hearted, Semi Eita, did not add to the numerous amounts of congrats to you and the two other second-year boys. You were grouped together with Shirabu and Kawanishi, newly minted second-years now inaugurated into regular positions on a renowned team. There was no doubt that there was a hint of envy and competition within Shiratorizawa now.

07:59   From: Captain-Sama!             don’t be rude salami this is a congrats thread

07:58   From: Ushiwaka-sama             You will all surely be assets to our team

7:58     From: do you know da wae             Thank you!! ❤⃛ヾ(๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ )

08:00   From: Coconut-head            congrats to all the second-years! 

08:00   From: Coconut-head             ໒( ♥ ◡ ♥ )७

You saw the multiple indicators that someone was typing, suddenly come to a complete stop. 

Goshiki Tsutomu was the rare case of a student abounding with natural talent and enthusiasm. Yes, there were tons of students blessed with a general aptitude for volleyball. But what set him apart was his humble attitude and willing manner to learn and keep being molded. He was growing to be the product of all his older teammates, since he had no previous sense of style to retain.

Goshiki Tsutomu would surely grow to be Shiratorizawa’s ace. 

But right now, he was an enthusiastic first-year trying to overcome the overwhelming shadow of Ushijima Wakatoshi.

It undoubtedly set off the tempers of multiple (now) third-years. You even felt the crawl of envy at the young man. You were only granted a regular spot in your second-year. And yet this first-year had already overcome your personal feat. You knew, in the more comprehensive parts of your mind, that Goshiki earned his role and there was no excusing your petty behavior.

So, with a deep sigh, your fingers swiped across the keyboard.

08:05   From: do you know da wae             Congrats to you too, Goshiki-kun! (♥‿ ♥ ) ~

08:00   From: Coconut-head            thank you senpai!!

The captain of the women’s team, along with Yamagata and Ushijima, added in their own forms of congratulations to the growing thread on the chat. But there was no doubt that the atmosphere was suddenly even more tense with the addition of Goshiki’s words. You could not blame anyone; you knew first-hand how much you worked and literally slaved for your position on the starting block.

Every regular on the team worked their way to their position – that was a fact no one could ignore.

But they had to learn to live with it.

You spent most of your time getting integrated with your fellow teammates, thoughts of Kitagawa Daiichi taking a much further backburner than before. You heard the distant yet familiar names of Oikawa and Iwaizumi often make their way into conversation. There was no doubt that you loved your friends, but they were your rivals now. 

And you had no hesitation in recounting their abilities and weaknesses when both Reon and the infamous Guess Monster had asked you.

It also helped that you were once the captain of the women’s team and knew them better than anyone had before. Which also helped you exploit their weakness – another additive that the coach had taken to account when putting you on the starting block.

But there was another label that, in particular, stood out as you approached your second Interhigh-Preliminary as a student of Shiratorizawa.

Freak quick duo.

You were familiar with the several different nicknames that promulgated the Miyagi volleyball scene – great king, guess monster, little giant, super volleyball idiot (but that was more of an inner joke between Shiratorizawa students).

It was strange to you, that Kageyama had not yet made an appearance at Shiratorizawa Academy. He surely had the volleyball forte and physical ability to be the most skilled setter in the Prefecture, but you chalked it up to his grades or brisk personality that may have weighed him down.

But when Kageyama was not even present for the practice match between Seijō and your own school, it made you wonder if he had dropped off the face of the planet. For students who were seriously pursuing their sport, it was not a surprise for them to travel abroad to train. But you doubted Kageyama of all people would do so, his English was terrible.

Usually students from your junior high would immediately accept the invitation to Aobajōsai, a private school seconded only by Shiratorizawa. The few unique instances against this was yourself, but there was no sight of Kageyama at your school. 

So where on earth was he?

Both of Seijō’s teams, men’s and women’s, were coming for the match and the annual start of their explosive rivalry. It was strange for you, to now experience both sides of the Oikawa and Ushijima relationship. You had been on Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s side not too long ago, seeing Ushijima’s brute words that you had taken, at the time, as sarcastic and extremely biting. 

It was funny how now, knowing Ushijima personally, you knew the poor spiker only had volleyball in his heart and mind – oblivious to how offensive his words could really be.

09:34   From: the most tender Salami           enemy spotted Attached: brunet.jpg, ihatethisguy.jpg

09:34   From: Ushiwaka-sama           He should’ve gone to Shiratorizawa

09:34   From: the most tender Salami           lmao he can’t hear you waka-kun

09:34   From: Ushiwaka-sama           That does not make it any less true

09:35   From: Captain-Sama!           Wait

09:35   From: Captain-Sama!           WAIT

09:35   From: the most tender Salami           ????

09:35   From: Captain-Sama!           wait Attached: screenshot.jpg

09:35   From: the most tender Salami           WHAT

09:36  From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)           That’s literally just a zoomed in version

09:36   From: the most tender Salami           um that’s SHIRATORIZAWA’S (F/N) with the enemy

09:36   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩            I mean she did go to Kitagawa Daiichi

09:36   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )            wait she’s Oikawa’s student ???

09:37   From: Captain-Sama!            and now it all makes sense

09:37   From: Ushiwaka-sama            even his student has the good sense in coming to Shiratorizawa

09:37   From: the most tender Salami               LMAO you have no chill

09:37   From: Ushiwaka-sama            it’s almost summer, why would I be cold?

09:37   From: Captain-Sama!               the top 3 ace in the entire country, ladies and gentlemen

You opened the chat after the last message from your captain. By then, you had already greeted the visiting teams from Aobajōsai and were leading them to the gyms that were being used to the practice matches. It was strange, seeing the friends that you had spent more than three years with, wearing rival colors to your own.

“I’ll never get used to seeing Shiratorizawa-clad you, (F/N).” One of your old close friends commented, pointing at your purple tracksuit.

“Honestly, me too.” You admitted, looking up toward her before going back to your phone. You briefly showed the last few texts to Oikawa himself, who rolled his eyes at Ushijima’s words.

There was always something strange about Ushijima when it came to the Aobajōsai setter. It was mixture of respect and something, that always motivated Ushijima to voice his desire for Oikawa to go to Shiratorizawa. He had explained on one occasion that Oikawa was a setter unlike any in the prefecture, including his current team as well.

Oikawa was the type of setter who could bring out the absolute best of anyone, orchestrate his team to their full one-hundred percent, molding them toward his personal interest and control of the game.

And as a setter yourself, you knew that despite his gaudy style, Oikawa was well above the rest.

Ushijima often voiced that Oikawa deserved a team that would help him grow, rather than a team that require him to win – a team he had to drag by his fingertips.

You had explained to Oikawa once before how Ushijima explained it to you, of course with better words and ones that the brunet would less likely take offense to, but the setter simply scowled and muttered that Waka was still an asshole anyway. When you had told Ushijima about the bonds that Oikawa upheld, Ushijima simply narrowed his eyes and said nothing.

It was strange, their relationship. The feelings seemed to run bone-deep, neither male listening to the other side or even simple reason. But you learned not to question it anymore. It went against logic.

You flipped your phone back open to the groupchat and typed.

09:38   From: do you know da wae             I wasn’t his student, I was his babysitter

You typed in, Oikawa looking over your shoulder as you texted, immediately reaching over you to grab your phone the moment he had realized what you conveyed. You could almost feel the loud laughter of Tendou as he bellowed out at your text.

“Why must you taunt me like this (L/N)-chan?” Oikawa pouted, crossing his arms and looking away from you. Iwaizumi had a small smile when you showed him your words, Makki and Mattsun laughing in response since the true personality of the intimidating setter was coming to light to the other Shiratorizawa students.

“It’s time everyone learns the truth.” You teased, rubbing your shoulder against Oikawa’s as he continued to pout. There was no one quite like Oikawa, you admitted inwardly but never to the face of the already proud setter.

They unloaded their things into the visiting school’s locker room and when you returned they had already shook hands and were warming up before the start of the practice match. You tilted your head at the line-up, now a visual confirmation that Kageyama was nowhere in sight.

“Who are you cheering for, (F/N)?” Tendou asked you with a pointed finger in your direction.

You simply rolled your eyes, “Myself. I have my own game in an hour.”

It was to no one’s surprise that your school had dominated both matches, for both the men’s and women’s team. You spied the score-board when you looked over to the men’s match: 25-22 and 27-25. The gaps were not huge and it was obvious that the teams were close in ability, but Aobajōsai had yet to win a single match from your school in three straight years.

You had an unfair advantage of already being closely acquainted with many of Seijō volleyball players – you were once their captain and had to help them individually with their own routines. To your captain’s glee and the third-years’ utter dismay, you proved yourself to be the integral cog that led to the team’s victory – your position as a regular was obviously here to stay.

There was no denying the evident vigor in Oikawa’s eyes after the match, even more so since he had personally requested from you the digital recording of his practice match. An exchange of two orders of milk bread from the bakery across Aobajōsai and you had emailed the brunet his request.

You offered to walk the Seijō students to their bus, since you had a personal question in mind. “Did Kageyama move or something?” You asked toward Oikawa, who scowled in response.

“He went to Karasuno High.” Iwaizumi answered instead, elbowing the brunet for his rude behavior.

“Why do you care so much, (L/N)-chan?” Oikawa taunted, “You already have me and I’m the best setter you need.”

You rolled your eyes along with Makki, but decided to say nothing after his words.

Karasuno… 

You remembered the name of the school distantly. It was still within the prefecture, but you do not recall the school being particularly outstanding when it came to volleyball or any sport for that matter. The school was not anywhere near the list of high-schools you had applied to when you were in junior high, so why would Kageyama, who had unending potential, go somewhere else?

You had voiced this outwardly and even asked if there was an offer from Seijō to Kageyama.

Makki shrugged his shoulders, but the younger student behind him, one that you did not recognize, visibly tensed and the frown on his face grew. He said nothing to you, but it was obvious that Kageyama’s name alone had an effect on the first-years.

Ushijima was already standing at the buses; perfect posture and his hands were naturally down by his sides. You could tell the Seijō students were ready to fight, tensing immediately at the sight of your fellow schoolmate, Oikawa and Iwaizumi moving to stand at the very front of their group. You fought down the urge to call Tendou or Semi, hoping that the situation would not progress further and requiring the help of the other third-years.

“Let today be a testament, Oikawa. It’s never too late for you to come to Shiratorizawa.” He uttered before walking away, right through the center of the group and back to the school grounds.

You spotted Oikawa’s tense smirk, one that he was attempting to use to hide his obvious frown. Iwaizumi was not hiding his scowl and Mattsun looked ready to fight.

You put your hands up, unsure what to say. “I don’t get it. He’s only ever like this with you guys.”

“Don’t defend him, (F/N).” One of your old friends on the female team stated, “You’re one of Ushiwaka’s friends now, you wouldn’t understand how it’s like to be on the losing side anymore.”

You bit your lip but said nothing, there was no reasoning with them when the snide venom from their defeat was still a fresh wound in their minds. You were better off not trying to say anything to them, but with Oikawa’s scowl only increasing you knew you had to do something.

Oikawa kept his eyes trained on Ushijima’s retreating back, before motioning for the younger students to load up their things into the bus, giving his own pack to someone else.

“Oikawa-senpai, please don’t let him get to you.” You put your hands on his chest, seeing the tight fists at the brunet’s sides. “Ushijima doesn’t mean it in a douchey-way, he just comes off like that by accident.”

The brunet took in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second, before putting his hands on your shoulders and looking you full-on with his piercing hazel eyes.

“Take that Waka! (L/N) still views me as her senpai – her ability hand-picked and trained by me.” Oikawa stated with enthusiasm as he looked over your shoulder and toward the school. Your smile was now a straight-line, there really was no end to their rivalry, you inwardly mused.

You jabbed your elbow into his stomach, making Oikawa release his hold on you. He groaned and bent-down, low enough for you to lightly pat the top of his head and tell him that you looked forward to the milk bread that he owed you.

He countered, saying that you really could not resist seeing your senpai again, and was about to continue if not for the extremely fast volleyball setting loose right on the brunet’s head.

You flashed a quick thumbs-up toward Iwaizumi then waved goodbye. Walking back toward the dorms, you were ready to shower and take a nap after a day like this.

It was strange that two schools that held such an intense rivalry would often hold practice matches between one another. You chalked it up to Seijō’s innate ability to get better as the duration of a match continued, their batch of third-years in particular were good at planning and strategizing on the fly during official matches. It only made sense that they would want to play against the top school even more often.

Your first official Interhigh-Preliminaries as a regular and you watched the competition with guarded interest. You saw the name Karasuno on the first-day, surprised that the school Kageyama had chosen was in the bottom bracket. The women’s team were obviously subpar in terms of volleyball, incapable of even stopping the average serve from their opponents. You frowned, neither team on the court would prove to be a worthy challenger to Shiratorizawa, so you simply walked away from the match.

Maybe his test scores were really bad, you inwardly joked.

Shiratorizawa was exempt from the first few days of matches, giving everyone ample time to watch and gauge their future rivals.

You decided against watching the match of Karasuno vs Dateko, hearing that the Iron Wall had crushed the team only a few months prior. Rather, you chose to watch a match between Johzenji and another, since you wanted to watch for yourself the extremely aggressive style that had you wondering just what was going on inside their heads.

But when a crowd had exclaimed in surprise over by Karasuno’s court, you chose to maybe just walk over and see what the fuss was about.

You took a seat farther from the rest, hearing distantly of a freak quick that not even the school who specialized in read-blocking could keep up with. You knew, first-hand, how fast and aggressive Kageyama was with his setting, it could be a surprise to everyone’s who was seeing it. Even the spikers on his own team in junior high were constantly surprised, you could imagine how it was now that he was using it in a more public setting.

It was confirmed now, before your very eyes, that Kageyama was now attending Karasuno.

Donned in a uniformed of black and orange with a huge indicator of his number nine, Kageyama was still same in appearance from when you had last seen him. Sporting an unintentional scowl with eyes that shone with a certain determination, you could spot Kageyama in the sea of volleyball players. A part of you was proud to see your, now much taller, kouhai on the court.

Your eyes followed the game, watching as Karasuno attempted to get around the Iron Wall that Dateko was infamous for.

A lucky save from a blocked spike, Karasuno’s libero was quick on his feet and you distantly recognized the short male. You blinked, seeing Kageyama’s perfect form and unable to personally decipher where the first-year was going to set to. You saw the older looking man, one who was surely in his twenties. Or the balder looking one, watching the setter from his place in the back line.

You blinked, a second passing as you tried to figure out who was the next attacker.

Your eyes could barely keep up with the orange flash of someone as the figure ran toward the net, without regard to the set, and spiked the ball before anyone on the other side could react. You felt yourself physically reel back in surprise, what the hell was that???

This was the freak-quick duo that everyone was talking about.

It was not just another name, rather it felt like an extreme understatement to what you had just seen for your yourself. You had not spotted any visual signals and wondered just how much Kageyama had worked on his precise pin-prick setting – he was a monster now, that was for sure.

You were not able to watch the rest of the match, your team calling you since it was getting closer to the time that your group was leaving. You had your own matches to deal with, and as curious as you were about how much Kageyama had changed since you last saw him, you had your own pressures to deal with at the moment.

The women’s team of Shiratorizawa won their matches the next day, overwhelming numbers in your favor since your renowned school seemed to always carry the best ace in the entire prefecture. You took in your victories with humble stride, knowing that nothing was set in stone until the final with your rival school - Aobajōsai. Rather, you finished your stretches and attempted to get the tail-end of the match between Seijō and Karasuno.

You watched with bated breath, unsure of who to root for in the final points, as the freak quick nearly disabled the second-best school in the prefecture. You could not help but bite your lip as the shortest middle blocker you had ever seen, rose above the net, only to be blocked by your old friends.

There was no stopping the apparent heart ache you felt at seeing a team you barely knew, dejectedly fall to the ground with their heads hung low. Oikawa was hollering in victory; there was no doubt in your mind that this match extended to a much more personal level, like that of his games with Ushijima. Within seconds, the brunet was yelling out commands for his team, likely getting ready for the next match as Karasuno lagged behind with depressed visages.

It seems Kageyama is finally beginning to trust other people, you inwardly mused when you reran the last few plays within your mind.

You stood at Aobajōsai’s side of the stands, waving to Oikawa with a smile when he spotted you, lining his team up to bow at those who came to watch the match.

Oikawa made a point of smirking and pointing a finger-gun at you, making many heads turn towards your direction as he did so.

You felt the instant pang and vengeance of a thousand fangirls, making the third-years of Seijō roll their eyes as you tensely motioned a slash across your neck toward the brunet. Other Aobajōsai students, those cheering from the stands, lifted a brow in confusion and curiosity – wondering just who this Shiratorizawa student was and what connection you had to Oikawa.

“At this rate, you’ll be branded a traitor, (L/N)-chan.” Tendou joked, making you tense up at the voice. You spotted him, along with three other students from your school sitting a little farther back from the Seijō crowd.

“I can’t be interested in some of my old friends?” You teased back, walking up to where they were sitting.

“Just don’t cry when I demolish your boyfriend.”

“He’s not-!”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” Tendou interrupted, turning back to the court as Karasuno neared the Aobajōsai side of the court to bow and offer their own thanks. “Besides, why be interested in him when we have cuties like this one?”

Tendou quickly grabbed at Shirabu’s cheeks, forcing the setter’s frown into a puckered fish-face for a quick second before the brunet nearly mauled his fellow teammate. You rolled your eyes at the antic, but said nothing to acknowledge the question.

You turned back, watching as Kageyama’s distant eyes never wandered higher than eye-level, obviously devastated that this was the result of all his training.

“Kageyama!” You yelled, hoping that the setter would hear you over the applause.

He had, looking up at the stands and seeing you wave at him. There was no hiding his surprise and it looked like he wanted to yell something back, but was instructed by his captain that it was time to head back to the coaches. Kageyama simply waved to you and then ran back to join the others.

“Or is it that one, all along?” Tendou asked in a low voice, eyes following the Karasuno setter before they slide over to you.

You hadn’t heard the red-head, turning back and going out to where the teams were convening downstairs. You attempted to look at the Karasuno crowd, but your own team was assembling for some strategy concerning your own final, the very next day.

After three games, the Shiratorizawa women’s team was pronounced winners of the Interhigh-Prelim. Everyone was aware of your school’s name, it’s reputation – how a win like this was simply expected of you.

But absolute winner did not cover the fact that your face ached from a receive to the face, unable to raise your hands in the visible route of the insane spike of your friend. Or the fact that one of your middle blockers was now actively sporting a limp, pain exploding in her ankle after having a bad landing in an awkward spot after successfully cutting off their ace. Or the fact that one of your regular wing-spikers was now benched, an ice-pack on her knee after her old-injury was sprouting after having to be used so many times.

Or the fact that you nearly cried with joy when you heard the immense crowd of Shiratorizawa cheerleaders and students chant your name, after you performed a setter dump.

None of these details really mattered in most people’s eyes. 

You were Shiratorizawa – winners to the core. They had no sympathy for your story or the hard-earned journey you made to the top, many just expected it with no empathy, and it made you scowl.

You and your team lined-up after the match, the cheering growing to a loud uproar as the cheerleaders, alumni section, and just immense crowd of students chanted the victory screech for Shiratorizawa.

You waved with both hands at your parents as they cheered your name even louder.

This was your second-year in Shiratorizawa, but your first time as a regular on the team. Your friends in Seijō were seeing your skill first-hand in the match, from start to finish, as your team had utterly demolished their hopes in progressing to nationals. You were a skilled setter before, but your time at the Academy had honed you better than you ever were. You gained experience from playing other powerhouses from around the country, even some local colleges who were willing to challenge you.

You were on a completely different level than where you were as the captain of Kitagawa Daiichi.

Your friends had accepted long ago your association with Shiratorizawa, but actively putting your face and actions to their defeat obviously strained their feelings toward you more and more.

You made sure to smile at them before the match, attempting to placate the tense feeling of fighting against your friends, but it was obvious that their friendship with you was getting harder and harder to maintain. After the game, they had completely ignored you – your current friends in Shiratorizawa advising you that it was just the heat of the match. 

But you knew better and simply kept walking away as they ignored you.

The men’s team was able to defeat Aobajōsai in only two matches – Oikawa’s bitter glare and Iwaizumi’s tense frown being sent directly into your own heart.

In the end, everyone deserves to win.

But there was only one winner in the end – you mused. Taking one last look, Oikawa not greeting you this time when he saw you at the line-up, you walked away from the match and back downstairs to the lobby.

It was just too much for your heart, all at once.

You sent a text to both third-years the next day: I’m proud of you guys! Don’t let Ushijima get you down. Iwaizumi answered within minutes, thanking you for the encouragement and even complimenting you on your jump-serve, since he caught a glimpse of your game.

Oikawa never answered.

Back at school, the coaches for both the men’s and women’s team allowed a rest-day on Friday’s holiday – Family Day – claiming that everyone needed to take a breather and that they had earned it from their win.

GroupChat: Caw Caw SHIRATORIZAWA ୧༼ д ͡༽୨

11:23   From: Captain-Sama!             congrats to all !! ✿♥‿♥✿

11:23   From: Captain-Sama!                           may your crops be watered and your skin is clear

11:23   From: Coconut-head             thank you!! And for you as well ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

11:23   From: Ushiwaka-sama!             thank you I am checking my plants now

11:23   From: do you know da wae             I have exactly one succulent

11:23   From: the most tender Salami           lmao thanks b attached:oikawameme.jpg

11:23   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            why must you call plants that @doyouknowdawae

11:23   From: do you know da wae            y

11:23   From: do you know da wae            are you jealous of my good succc ??

11:23   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩            LMAOOO

11:24   From: the most tender Salami              holy shit

11:24   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            fight me

11:24   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩              ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

11:24   From: the most tender Salami            (f/n) gives me hope for our meme legacy :’)

11:24   From: do you know da wae            i gotchu bby boo

11:24   From: do you know da wae            maybe I’ll even bring you back food from break

11:24   From: Captain-Sama!            am I the only one staying on campus for family day? :’)

11:24   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )            myself + Shirabu are staying as well

11:25   From: do you know da wae            aw guys I’ll bring some of my mom’s oyakodon when I get back!

11:25   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )            thank you!!

11:25   From: the most tender Salami            my food is now forgotten :’)

11:25   From: Captain-Sama!            you live closer to Karasuno and Seijooo, right?

11:25   From: do you know da wae            yaaaas

11:26   From: Captain-Sama!            ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

11:26   From: the most tender Salami            ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

11:26   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩              ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

11:26   From: do you know da wae            ｢(ﾟﾍﾟ)

11:26   From: Captain-Sama!            don’t think we didn’t notice your little exchange with one of the freak quick kids

11:26   From: do you know da wae            oh

11:27   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            (f/n) cant have other friends ??

11:27   From: the most tender Salami            oh come on we all know they shared

11:27   From: the most tender Salami            the look attached: hearteyes.jpg

11:27   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )            oh no the matchmaker is back in business

11:27   From: Captain-Sama!            oikawa then kags are you hiding any other setters ??

You were lounging on your bed during common hour, hesitating in your next answer and trying to decide if you were either going to mess with everyone or just end it there. But, you always loved sowing some seeds of discord with your favorite volleyball nerds. Typing in…

11:28   From: do you know da wae            im actually in love with one of the miyas

11:28   From: the most tender Salami            gasp

11:28   From: My only Okaasan/Eita            he can jump up his own ass

11:28   From: Ushiwaka-sama!            he is a good setter

11:28   From: Captain-Sama!            but a complete douche

11:28   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )            I do not approve

11:28   From: the most tender Salami            that’s how you know he’s that bad, yamagata doesn’t ship it

11:29   From: Coconut-head attached: ???meme.jpg

11:29   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            ＼| ￣ヘ￣|／

11:29   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩           who the fuck

11:29   From: the most tender Salami            third from left attached: InarizakiHigh.jpg

11:29   From: do you know da wae            tbh didn’t expect anyone to know who that was

11:30   From: the most tender Salami            lmao sweetie we live and breathe vball

11:30   From: Captain-Sama!            also unfortunately he was at a vbc camp with some of us

11:30   From: the most tender Salami            I’d rather approve of you with oiks

11:30   From: do you know da wae            lmao nah

11:30   From: Captain-Sama!            these RECEIPTS would beg to differ Attached: oinkawa.jpg; jointpractice.jpg; bakawa.jpg

11:31   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            holy

11:31   From: the most tender Salami            I knew it was true love 11:31   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            where is everyone’s chill ???

11:31   From: Ushiwaka-sama!            you will be a nice Shiratorizawa couple

11:31   From: the most tender Salami            LMAO

11:32   From: do you know da wae            why does this keep happening

11:32   From: do you know da wae            only kenjiro understands me

11:32   From: My only Okaasan/Eita            ive known waka forever and even I don’t know why he’s like this with Oikawa

11:32   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            its bc we’re the only normal ones

11:33   From: Ushiwaka-sama!            I’m not with Oikawa, he doesn’t even go to Shiratorizawa

11:33   From: Ushiwaka-sama!            a mistake in itself

11:33   From: Captain-Sama!            IM SCREAMING

11:33   From: the most tender Salami            wakanda forever

11:33   From: do you know da wae            LMAO I was thinking that too but decided against texting it

11:34   From: the most tender Salami            wait a second

11:34   From: the most tender Salami            kenjiro x (f/n) >.>>>>>>

11:34   From: do you know da wae            lmao don’t even

11:34   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩              lmao well

11:35   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩              ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

11:35   From: do you know da wae            we all know that if that if kenjiro’s girlfriend hears this she’ll literally shank me

11:35   From: the most tender Salami            lmao true

11:35   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            she doesn’t even like me

11:36   From: do you know da wae            what a lie

11:36   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩             hard retweet

11:36   From: Captain-Sama!            we all know the alpha ship

11:37   From: the most tender Salami            oikawa x (f/n) x kags

11:37   From: Captain-Sama!            LMAO

11:37   From: do you know da wae            end me pls

11:37   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩             oof didn’t know you were into that

11:37   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)            they can definitely do that for you

11:38   do you know da wae            …

You rolled your eyes at their antics, conversation on constant haywire. But you would not have it any other way. Most people would look at your school, the simple name and already have connotation to others. Yes, you were a powerhouse school. But that did not change the fact that you were all teenagers, just like everyone else. And with it came the continuous antics of meme-lovers.

Throwing your phone back on your bed and turning to look out the window, you were happy to have a day to yourself to finally make sense of everything happening. You were proud of your win at the Interhigh Tournament, no matter how bitter or lost your friendship had become with the people you were once the closest to.

Your texted your parents about the three-day break for Family Day and they had immediately pushed for you to come back home, where they would hold a celebratory dinner along with some other families they were close to and invited. You told your roommate about it and how embarrassing they were, but she countered that it was a sweet gesture, since she held a close relationship to her own parents as well.

“They’re just proud of their little girl, that’s all!” She teased, grabbing your head into a small nuggie. She was much taller than you, a middle-blocker who was still serving as an alternate.

Most of the other members of the team were also heading home on Thursday night, eager to visit their homes and parents and finally have a home-cooked meal after being away for half the semester. You personally looked forward to your mother’s cooking and said goodbyes to your teammates after your last class on Thursday.

Your dorm at Shiratorizawa was much farther than your home, actually sitting between Karasuno High and Aobajōsai. You considered jogging the entire way, but it was a rare break and decided to give your body one as well (at least just for the weekend, of course). Coming off the train, you spotted the street sign pointing to the aforementioned high-school and heavily considered visiting the old-time friend and setter that you had yet to have a formal conversation with in a good two years.

You had some time to kill and decided that maybe it was not such bad idea.

You neared the school and heard the tell-tale sounds of sneakers and volleyballs being tossed about.

Standing in the already open doorway, you spotted several faces that you recognized from the Interhigh game still training. They wore serious expressions, studying their abilities very carefully and working to fix the kinks in what they planned to bring to the table.

“Japan!” You heard someone shout over the others, the owner of the voice pointing at you as they looked at you in surprise, before they ran over to where you were standing.

You waved at the orange-haired middle-blocker, smiling as you did so. “I remember you. Good spikes, little dude.” You complimented, patting the top of his head as he blushed at the physical contact.

You turned back to the gym, stopping the blush crawling to your cheeks as every male looked at you in genuine curiosity. You kept scanning, until finally seeing the setter you were looking for.

Kageyama was already walking up to you, smacking the head of the still sheepish middle-blocker and muttering hinata boke, before he greeted you in a neutral voice.

“(L/N)-san.” He stated simply, inclining his head as he did so.

“Kageyama-kun, didn’t expect us to meet again like this.”

You felt the looming presence of two behind you and turned to see two males peering at you with open interest. One of them, that was the taller of the two, asked toward you, “Eh, Kageyama. How do you know Shiratorizawa’s setter?”

You smiled at the two looming boys and answered, “We went to Kitagawa Daiichi together.”

The two held their hearts with open euphoric expressions, happy that you were even gracing them with a response.

Kageyama fought the urge to slap them on the head as well, before adding. “She helped me with my jump-serves when Oikawa had refused to.”

You just kept on smiling, unsure what to say or add when the boys before you had yet to say anything at all as well.

“You give me too much credit.” You countered, “You were a monster on the court the other day.”

Asahi silently studied your figure, distantly remembering your sharp jump-serve that he had gleaned from your match, it was something you were personally known for after all. A setter who was capable of shutting out the team from making any offensive plays to begin with – you really were one of Oikawa’s students after all.

“Nice to meet a senpai to our little monster.” The captain teased, offering his name – Daichi.

“What are you doing here?” Kageyama asked you, trying to keep his voice leveled.

“Both volleyball teams were given breaks until Monday, consider it a blessing for winning Interhigh.”

“Wah! I remember you.” Hinata, you recalled from earlier, stating. “You did that thing that Oikawa did to us. He went pow and was about to set and then boom it was a spike!”

You nodded, surprised on how truly enthusiastic and just all-around pure the small middle-blocker was proving to be. This was the same volleyball player who was part of the freak quick duo you had seen for the first time not long ago. Eyes shining with determination and an indescribable aura, it was a complete change to the young man jumping with joy in front of you now.

You turned back to Kageyama, “I wanted to see how you were doing. I saw your game and was just wondering…” You trailed off.

Kageyama hesitated, a small frown still evident on his visage. “We have practice now.”

You dropped your sports bag to the side, “Sure. I don’t mind helping out with jump-serves or something if you guys need it.” You paused at the silence, “It feels weird not having practice during the week anyway.”

“Jump-serve? Shiratorizawa?” The coach asked with a finger on his chin, before it morphed to a smirk. “Better make the most of it!” He directed to the group.

You felt the evident hesitation in the air, several of the older looking men simply looking at you with no words coming out. But that did not stop the little orange to bound up to you without restraint, eyes gleaming with anticipation at whatever question was being held behind those wide orbs.

“Do you mind showing me your jump serve?” Hinata asked with hands held up to his chest, excitement apparent through his lack of restraint.

“Don’t crowd her, boke.” Kageyama bit out, but you waved him off with your hand and a relaxed grin.

Offering a small smile, in hopes of softening some of his reserve, you took the ball that Hinata was offering you and glanced up toward the rest of the group. The moment your eyes came to, the older (you assumed) third-years, were ushering other members to get back to their own practice. A man with silver hair was pushing his younger ones to their previous positions, but it was obvious that their eyes were following you as you walked across the court.

“Stand back, little dude.” You motioned with your free hand as you paced further back past the line.

Holding the volleyball out with your dominant hand, you took a deep breath and launched it up into the air above you. Examining it with keen eyes, you smashed it forward, close to the outer corner of the other-side, but within the bounds.

“Uwah!” You heard his cheer of excitement from the side and turned to see a bright and eager smile.

It seemed that all the other commotion in the gym had stopped as you readied to serve, silence now much more evident as they took a full gander at you – the one capable and widely known for your monster serve. You felt eyes peering at you, but they quickly averted as you timidly looked around the room for yourself.

All but two pairs of eyes, both of which you were sure were burning into your head.

“Allow me to receive your serves!” You heard the voice from behind you, turning to see a male who was a shorter than you, with two-toned hair.

“Sure.” You muttered, surprised at the humble request of a libero you had heard so much of before.

This continued until the next rotation, a strange smile on your face from being on the other side of practice. Your coach knew better than anyone your strengths and definitely exploited your weaknesses when it came to your own practice. You distantly remembered having to do a cursed number of jump serves and, even though it was your forte, there were tears in your eyes for just how much you ached.

“Here.” An older man inclined a water bottle in your direction. “My name’s Asahi.”

“Thanks. Nice to meet you.” You nodded back in appreciation, slightly intimidated from his tall stature and rugged appearance.

Forcing yourself to steel your spine, you recalled how you were previously incredibly apprehensive around Ushiwaka, who turned out to be the biggest volleyball idiot on the planet.

“Something up?” You asked with a raised brow.

“Do you mind, walking me through your serve?” He hesitated in his request, making you inwardly surprised that a man so big and bulky, was coming to you so humbly.

Again, Karasuno seemed to surprise you.

You walked home with Kageyama after practice, floors mopped and nets neatly stored away. You were so used to your dorm at Shiratorizawa, the walk home felt familiar and yet distant – it was strange to you. The both of your homes were only a few streets separated from one another, you remembered from the walks home you would have together before in junior high. And you decided on spending the beginning of the walk together in comfortable silence.

Or at least comfortable for you.

Kageyama was inwardly struggling to say literally anything.

He remembered you as the type of person who hung around Oikawa and Iwaizumi, two people who often had no qualms in engaging in conversation. You had a bright smile, unlike his own. 

And yet here you were, simply gazing ahead to the commute in front of you without a single word uttered. Kageyama had to stop himself from the physical nervous tick in his fingertips.

“I can’t explain it, but there’s just something different about you.” You stated, slowly moving your gaze over to the setter at the end of your sentence.

It was clear that Kageyama had no idea what to say, sputtering but no actual words coming out.

“It’s not a bad thing, not at all.” You raised your hands, waving them in defense. “Don’t worry, Kageyama-kun.”

“How can I not…” You heard him mutter under your breath, making you lightly chuckle at his words.

“It’s definitely a good thing.” You complimented, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder and making him instantly shy once again. “Why are you so shy, now?”

“What do you mean?” He raised a brow.

“It’s just me, no need to feel so tense.”

Kageyama hesitated, “Thank you.”

“For today? No worries, a small part of it was selfish since I wanted to see you.” You admitted.

You could hear his breath hitch, before he added okay.

“You’re such a blueberry, Kageyama-kun.” You laughed at his disposition.

“What does that even mean?! Boke.” His apprehension was quickly pushed aside at his frustrated words, making you chuckle at him even more.

You reached Kageyama’s home first, a sight you had not seen for yourself in the past year. Even when you returned back home, this was a little out of the way from your usual commute. But this was strange, it seemed completely the same no matter how much time had passed. It always just seemed…

… Empty.

You turned to Kageyama, “Are you spending family day alone, Kageyama-kun?”

“Yeah.”

You gauged his reaction, despite his rough exterior, Kageyama did not exhibit a hint of a frown or sadness at the answer. Rather, his response was rather plain – as if this occurrence was normal and not even disappointing to the setter anymore. This realization hurt your heart, having such comforting and supportive parents of your own, Kageyama deserved just as much.

Kageyama was used to spending his time alone, that much was evident.

“Would you like to have dinner with us tomorrow, for family day?”

He looked at you fully, apprehension palpable, but stated anyway. “Sure.”

You exchanged phone numbers as a formality, but saw that both of you had your previous numbers saved in each of your phones. It made you slightly happy, that Kageyama decided on keeping your phone number despite your time apart at different schools.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Kageyama-kun.”

“Boke, I’ll walk you.”

You tilted your head and pointed in the direction of your home, “It’s not that far–”

“It’s dangerous, you never know.” He interrupted, brisk words in evident contrast to his sheepish strides in front of you.

You just kept on smiling the way home.

“Would you like to come in?” You offered to which he nodded. You slid the door open and greeted. “Mom, dad! I’m home, I have Kageyama with me.”

“Come in sweetie, I’m in the kitchen!” You heard your mom’s voice, the sweet smell of her cooking fliting through the room and to your growling stomach. “Your dad is still picking some stuff up for tomorrow.”

You settled your bag at the end of the stairs before making your way over. “Hey.”

“Look at my favorite swan!” She wrapped her arms around your shoulders and then lightly squeezed your cheeks, “Now an official winner, too!”

“Mom, stop.” You grumbled, wrestling your face away from your ongoing embarrassment.

“Kageyama, good to see you too!” She greeted. “You’ve always been so tall – look at you now, all handsome.”

You laughed at Kageyama’s reddened face, no worries coming out of his goldfish expression.

Your mom continued, “I meant to stop by your home last week, I still owe your mom thanks for the calla lilies.”

“Oh. They’ll be back next week.”

Your mom paused, turning her head in question as she looked at the young man. With a newly determined face, she glanced at you and then toward Kageyama, “Would you like to join us for family day, then? We’re having a few people over and we would love to have you as well.”

“I already invited him, mom.” You stated, taking some dough off the table to eat as a small snack, which resulted in a large smack on the back of your head.

“Perfect.” Your mom assured, “I’m still cooking now, but you’re welcome to join us for dinner tonight as well.”

Kageyama backed-up with his hands raised, “I couldn’t barge in on (F/N)’s first night back with her family–“

You interrupted, this time. “Nonsense, Kageyama-kun.”

“Here, Kageyama-kun can help me with this little bit. (F/N) unpack your things upstairs and then come help set the table.”

You nodded, taking her orders without delay as Kageyama settled into the rhythm of your family.

“You were such a stern boy, back in Kitagawa Daiichi. I’m glad to see you’ve lightened up.” Your mother commented, passing the young setter some greens over the kitchen table.

By now, the meal was ready and the four of you, with the new addition of your father, were enjoying a quaint dinner to celebrate you finally visiting home after so long.

“Lightened, that’s a good word for it.” You added.

“There’s definitely a difference.” Your dad observed, “I was glad to see you’re still enjoying volleyball – still as gifted as ever.”

Kageyama paused, “You’ve seen me play?”

“Of course. There’s no denying the shock we still have when we see you serve. And that quick toss, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do it like that before.” Your mom replied, “We saw your game against Aobajōsai, there’s no doubt in anyone’s minds that you’ve grown as a person.”

“Game nearly gave me a heart attack – I’ll never get used to your brunette friend.”  You dad pointedly stated toward you before turning to Kageyama, “But I’ll be honest, even though we’re closer to the Oikawa’s, I was rooting you.” He winked.

“Honey.” Your mom lightly slapped his shoulder with a smile.

“Of course, the highlight of the tournament for us was cheering our daughter on to her first official tournament win.” Your father continued, waving off her light admonishment with a grin of his own.

“Wait.” You saw the little hamster running in Kagyeama’s mind, “You watched the last few days of the tournament?”

“I wasn’t about to miss my daughter become champion!” You father bellowed, putting a comforting hand on your shoulder. “Even if I have to use my vacation days at work, I would hate to miss something so important to her.”

Kageyama continued staring, eyes never leaving your father. There was no doubt that Kageyama lived and breathed volleyball, he loved it more than anything else really. But, his parents had yet to even begin to understand the dedication he had toward the sport. Kageyama could not remember the last time they had attended one of his games or even tournaments.

The expression on Kageyama’s face was so far-gone, it made you want to do something to comfort him.

Apparently, your parents thought the same way.

“You’ll definitely get ‘em next time.” Your dad motioned toward Kageyama. “Seriously, that quick attack you have – I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“We’ll be rooting you on again.” You mom reassured Kageyama, offering a plate of meat toward the setter who was staring at them with wide eyes.

He took the plate with hesitant hands. That’s how you knew Kageyama was so surprised, the fact that he was even wavering to eat meat – his king of food.

“Don’t look so surprised.” Your father joked before turning to Kageyama fully with a serious expression, “We’re proud of you.”

You smiled at their words. 

You knew your parents well, just as they knew you, but here they were being entirely honest. Your parents did everything they could to have you in a loving environment – and this required being honest with what they wanted and what all parties were feeling. Meaning, they were not dressing up their words to the silent setter.

They really were proud of him.

You put a comforting hand in the crook of his elbow, since he was sitting beside you. That seemed to snap Kageyama out of his stupor, his glazed eyes turning to you and then between your parents.

“Thank you.” Kageyama paused, “Really.”

This was probably the extent of his social ability, you inwardly joked before offering the plate back to your parents. The poor dude was close to exploding, you could tell, and tried to steer the conversation away from the setter before that happened.

It was strange to Kageyama, the effort your parents took in spending time with you or even just what you were interested in. Your parents commented that they always downloaded your games if they were broadcasted on television, eager just to see how you were doing or wanting to send you an encouraging text about something you had done during the match.

Kageyama really felt the love in your family.

Your father walked him to the door, once dinner and dessert was done. Offering a goodbye and a literal see you tomorrow. Kageyama felt guilty, even in the face of your whole family telling him it was no issue, leaving your mom no choice but to task him with bringing a small cake for the gathering tomorrow.

Kageyama put a hand on the gate to your house, looking back with a small smile before continuing on his walk back home.

You spent the next day preparing for the small gathering that night. You only hoped that your parents would not embarrass you later. Kneading dough and humming along to the song through the speakers, you spent the calm morning alongside your mother in the kitchen. Your dorm only had a microwave, since you were still an underclassman with no privileges to a kitchen yet. It was a great change to finally have a cooked meal.

You greeted the first family with a smile, unaware of the feelings of one in particular.

“Hey, glad you guys could make.” You started, turning to the side for the new guests to enter. The parents smiled at you, inattentive to the tension between you and their daughter.

“Good to see you, (F/N). Congrats on your win, as well.” The father greeted as he passed you.

You turned to your friend, “I haven’t really seen you in a while.”

“Our last two sets was three days ago.” She bit out, glancing at you briefly before walking into your home.

You had always worried about this. 

You loved your friends; your time at Kitagawa Daiichi held a special place in your heart – but that was nothing compared to the continual animosity they held for your school. The rivalry between Shiratorizawa and Aobajōsai was not a surface level problem, it was one that was seemingly burning to the core of each blue-clad student. They wanted nothing more than to absolutely destroy you, even if you were their friend. And the fact that you were a forerunner in the women’s team’s defeat, it made them dislike you even more.

You could not withhold the long sigh that escaped you.

Your parents were always the type to participate in fundraisers or school events and, being a previous member of a strong school like Kitagawa Daiichi, meant that they were in constant association with other parents to kids just like you. You loved it at the time, since it was obvious display of their support for you and the sport. 

But now, after leaving the life-track of your Kitagawa Daiichi friends…

It’s not that there were no other parents that yours could connect with at Shiratorizawa. But it was harder for your parents since most of the others knew each other from Shiratorizawa junior high – meaning they already had their tight knit clique of parent association friends. It was not like your parents did not try either, but they were just closer to the friends they made at Kitagawa Daiichi. It also helped that your home was closer to the schools as well. Which meant that…

Some of their closest friends were parents from your time in junior high.

Meaning most of those invited today were probably now attending Aobajōsai.

You had to stop yourself from slapping your forehead against the door.

Your home was littered with various families containing your friends – or ex-friends? They had never actually confirmed anything to you verbally – making you want to literally throw yourself out the window and down the street into the river and hopefully float down back to Shiratorizawa.

If not for your parents, you would have had no problems walking back to school today if it meant avoiding this.

Opening the door after the telltale sign of the doorbell, you nervously smiled before the caustic eyes of the Oikawa family. Tōru, along with his parents, older sister with her husband and son, greeted you at the door as you stepped aside for them to enter. The older Oikawa dragged you into a hug, claiming you’ve grown way too much and that she was proud of your recent win. Takeru handed you a flower and you recognized it from the nearby park.

You were most nervous of Tōru – his reaction to you after the Interhigh Tournament was unlike how he had ever treated you before. Even as a newly minted Shiratorizawa student, he still took the effort to catch up with you and even text you back. But since the tournament he had been ignoring you. Iwaizumi reassured you that it was nothing personal, it was just your school that inflamed him.

But it just made it all the more awkward to be inviting Oikawa into your home now.

The rest of his family made their way into your home, but Tōru took his time in taking off his shoes and stand in the foyer area alone with you, hazel eyes locking with yours and never turning away.

“You’ve always been an amazing setter, I hope you know that.” You started.

He blinked slowly, eyes making their way from the bottom of your shoes all the way up to your face. It felt like you were being examined, his intense stare and uncharacteristic quietness raking through every detail of your body – no wonder your fellow students at Shiratorizawa found him to be intimidating. Oikawa really could be if he tried and it hurt your heart that you were now placed at the completely other side of a friendship.

Hazel eyes narrowed when he reached your face, “I don’t need your pity.”

You grabbed his elbow before he could walk away, “It’s not. Tōru, you need to know that. You’ve always been an incredible setter I look up to and that will never change.”

Oikawa looked at you but said nothing. At least his expression was more neutral, rather than its previous hints of resentment.

“Take away the names, the labels, the stupid school colors – you’re an amazing setter. And you will always have a place in my heart as my first mentor.” You admitted, watching as his eyes slowly widened with each word.

You continued, “Which is why I hate to see you beat yourself up over this. You mean so much to me, to so many people – I just want you to treat yourself right.”

Oikawa closed his eyes, seemingly taking in all of your words and letting it process one more time in his mind. When hazel eyes were peering at you one more, he had a slight smirk on his face, but you could tell that it was morphing into a genuine smile.

“Thank you, (F/N).” He tugged on your hand his time, free arm coming around your waist to bring you into a hug.

You felt his head lean against the top of yours, relishing in the moment that you could be there for your older senpai, one that had taught you so much when you were first starting your beloved sport. There was so much you wanted to convey to him and your really believed in your heart that Oikawa deserved to go to nationals – but you were just happy that he was not mad at you anymore.

“I really mean that much to you, huh?” You could hear the telltale signs that Oikawa’s teasing voice was edging back and you lifted a brow as the setter spoke, “I knew Shiratorizawa couldn’t take you away from me. You really must love me.”

You rolled your eyes, Oikawa was coming back to you.

He lightly pushed at your shoulders, one arm still around your waist but the other holding you a good enough distance so that he could peer down at you.

“Please wait for me, for marriage.” He winked.

Immediately you were pushing his arm away and turning to hammer your elbow into his ribcage. Oikawa back away immediately, muttering a curse and yelling at your violent nature.

“You’re lucky Iwaizumi’s family left for vacation or you would’ve gotten a real ass-whooping.” You stated in a dead-pan voice, making Oikawa sigh at you and mutter true.

You were happy to have at least keep your friendship with Tōru, even if your relationships with your past female friends were nothing short of a complete garbage fire at this point.

The brunette led you by hand into the living room, where many of the others were already socializing. You could literally feel the gossip spreading already, prolonged stares at where you were joined at the hands with Tōru, the whispers between the older parents, and even his own damn sister taking one look and then winking at the both of you.

You attempted to flick his hand away, but Tōru simply chastised you for being a brat.

You had to fight the urge to kick his shins.

He took out his phone and the two of you posed for the picture, joined hands visible from the angle. You wondered if this would be worth the sudden death via Shiratorizawa’s roasting if Oikawa posted this to Instabook, but you figured he would not since you were still on tense relations with literally everyone (sans Iwaizumi) from his team.

Your savior came in the form of the doorbell, immediately springing away from the hazel-haired setter and to the last awaited guest. He still followed you over, leaning his side against the doorway as he waited for you to open the door.

“Glad you made it, Kageyama-kun.” You greeted, taking the box of food from his hands so he could take his shoes off.

“Thanks again, for inviting me.”

“No problem. Make yourself at home.”

Turning back to Oikawa, you could see he was standing at full attention now - posture haughty, narrowed eyes, raised chin, and a small scowl on his visage.

You wondered if there would be a fight today.

Kageyama lost to Oikawa and your friends lost to you.

What the hell were your parents thinking????

You led Kageyama back to the living room, the both of you standing awkwardly as the current Aobajōsai kids talked amongst each other. Oikawa stood the side, surveying the situation before tsking, then walking over to you and leading you to sit in the empty armchair while he leaned on the armrest. He placed a lazy arm across the back and you fought the urge to say a sarcastic remark.

It immediately became silent, parents conversing on the other side of the dining room, unknowing to the tense situation in the center of the living room amongst the young teens.

Tōru was making it pretty obvious that he was draping his presence all around you. First leading you by the hand and sitting very close to you, even encompassing himself around you via his arm.

“Since when are you so chummy?” One of the girls asked toward you.

“We’re just friends!” You immediately raised your hands in defense. Oikawa said nothing as he raised a brow.

Another one of them sputtered, “You’re friends with Oikawa, but you don’t even try with us?”

“That’s not true. I tried talking to you and you ignored me.”

You could tell she was growing agitated as she bit back, “Why should I even try? All you do is beat us – practice matches, official games, tournaments.”

“Well, I’m playing to win.” You said with a raised brow, unsure where they were going with this.

“But why couldn’t you even try to play to win with us?” She huffed, “I get it. You wanted to be on a team of absolute winners and obviously that does not mean us. You’re the one who walked away because we weren’t worth it, right?”

You tried to get a word in, but she raised her hand for you to stop. Turning her head away from you, it was clear that no matter what you said, she was not going to listen. You looked at the other friends you had from Kitagawa Daiichi, most frowning before averting their eyes from you.

One of them took one hard look at you, keeping your eye contact, before she got up and walked away.

You felt the pain pinprick behind your eyes, the small sign of indication that tears were building on your visage. Not wanting to show your weak state to people who obviously hate you at this point, you quickly stood up and made your way to the back-porch area. Oikawa attempted to stop you, but you finagled your hand out of his grasp as you left.

You leaned against the wooden railing, wondering just how fucked up the situation grew and how different it could have been.

It hurt even more knowing that her words were true. You tried so hard, your last year of junior high, to pass the entrance exam for Shiratorizawa. That was your main goal the entire time, get into your dream school and that will make you an absolute winner. You had never, once, considered going to Aobajōsai as something desirable. It was not your second choice and honestly not even your third (Itachiyama and Fukurōdani reserved those spots). Aobajōsai sat as your last choice, something you did not actually want to do since it was inferior in your view.

But for your friends, it was their main and only choice.

You would never regret going to Shiratorizawa, it was your school and just because they resented it, did not mean that you did not deserve the title of winners.

But it still hurt that they hated you thusly.

You fought the urge to scream at the sky, when you felt an awkward, but comforting hand on your shoulder.

“They hate me too.”

“They don’t hide it well, Kageyama-kun.” You turned to him fully, a wistful smile on your face.

“It seems… Oikawa still treasures you.”

“Yeah. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a complete asswipe.” Kageyama smiled at this, “But he’s still a brilliant setter and someone I wish the best for.”

Kageyama leaned his arms against the rail, eyes still trained on you. “Why do you care so much about people who want nothing to do with you?”

“I hate that I care so much.” You admitted, “But they were my friends – I held a leadership position for two years, even as their captain goddamnit. My time with them meant so much to me and it just hurts that it obviously didn’t have the same impact.”

Kageyama looked at you fully, a wondering expression on his visage.

“Was it worth it? Going to Shiratorizawa?”

“If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing.” You stated. “You?”

“I would still go to Karasuno.”

“Really? King of the Court?” You teased and watched the angry tick form at his forehead, “You wouldn’t come to the school of swans and absolute winners?”

Kageyama had a grim smile, one that indicated that he was thinking hard. “Now, probably not.”

“Wait, really?”

“No.” He hesitated, “I think I can really grow with Karasuno.”

“That’s great to hear.”  You smiled,  “Then let’s continue to live without regrets.”

“I try, but I understand.” Kageyama replied.

“Oh?”

“I remember what it’s like to turn around and no longer see a team.”

You felt your heart sag, recalling the headlines of Kitagama Daiichi’s loss. “But that won’t happen on Karasuno, right?”

Kageyama looked down and smiled, “No. It won’t.”

“Good, ‘cause I’m still rooting for you.” You said as you winked, causing Kageyama to flush red immediately.

The two of you stood in comfortable silence until the screen door opened.

“Never thought I’d see you two together like this.” Oikawa observed from the doorway.

“It’s not like that.” You waved your hand to casually dismiss his statement.

Oikawa walked toward Kageyama, stopping only at an arm’s length from him. “Good, I’ll have you know (F/N) is waiting for me for marriage.”

You actually tried to punch him in the stomach, like a full-on solid right cross on the annoying brunette, but Oikawa nearly growled and maneuvered you instead. Now, your arm was twisted behind your back and you felt Oikawa’s chest against your spine. You were about to tell Kageyama that Tōru was joking and would get a formal ass-whopping from Iwaizumi when you let him know, but you heard another voice call from just inside the house.

“Oh, this is where you all were! We’re starting dinner, come inside!” Your mom urged.

The other students said nothing when you joined them this time, probably only since you were now in the presence of parents and real adults. Kageyama sat on your right while Oikawa was on your left, you attempted to include both of them in conversation, but it was obvious that anything either setter said would immediately set the other off.

“Kageyama, would you like some more meat?” You asked, turning to him with a hopeful smile.

“Why don’t you pass me that plate instead, (F/N)?” Oikawa immediately countered before he could even answer.

Oikawa snapped another picture at dinner, one with you alongside him and flashing a peace sign at the camera and Kageyama munching away in the background as he listened passively to the others.

After dinner you returned back outside to the patio with Kageyama, now joined by others as they flit through the house.

“God, I’m sorry this is so awful.” You stated as you stood alongside the porch, shoulders touching side-by-side.

“It could be worse.” Kageyama offered, “Thank you for including me.”

“Always.” You replied, “I know we weren’t exactly close, but I did miss you for what its worth.”

Kageyama hesitated, “You don’t have to say that.”

“Why do you say that?”

“No one missed me in junior high.”

You poked him in the chest and demanded his whole attention, “Well, I did.”

The both of you lingered there for the night. Catching up on lost time and for the various woes you had in high school. Kageyama was still quiet as ever, but still offered words not unkindly throughout the conversation. 

It was nice to have one-on-one time with the setter. To think that even being from the same school, the times you were able to do this could be counted on two hands. You hardly ever sat down and had a serious talk with him in the past and any insight into the misunderstood setter had you hanging onto every word.

It was no surprise later that the Karasuno setter was the first to leave. You did not blame the pour soul since he was literally the most far removed from the families present (the next probably being you).

Walking Kageyama out the door and to your front-gate, you started. “I don’t know what it is with Oikawa and you. He’s almost as bad as Ushijima when he’s with Oikawa.”

Kageyama raised a brow, unsure just how the proper Ushijima could be anything but.

“Anyway, don’t listen to Tōru.”

He cracked a smile, “I never do.”

You lightly pushed his shoulder, “We both know that’s a lie.”

Kageyama just kept on smiling, not saying anything as he looked up at the night sky.

“Thanks for coming over. Sorry that literally everyone hates us.” You joked, “I don’t know when I’ll see you again, but stay in touch, okay?”

The little awkward bean nodded, but you could tell that this goodbye was incomplete. He offered a handshake, but that seemed too formal considering your friendship. You took the hand for a second, before pulling it and wrapping an arm around him into a hug.

“Get home safe, Kageyama-kun.” You murmured against his chest and felt the deep rumble that signified his affirmation. His other hand curled around you hesitantly, unsure in his actions as he tried his best to reciprocate the hug.

“Thank you, (L/N).”

Waving one last time, you saw Kageyama make his way down the street before he turned fully on his walk back home.

“I don’t remember the two of you being that close in junior high.” You heard Tōru’s familiar voice from the doorway. It seemed the brunet was constantly walking in and spying on your interactions with Kageyama.

“Maybe your judgement is always clouded around a certain blueberry.” You stated as you walked back into the house.

Oikawa rolled his eyes then placed a lazy arm around your waist, guiding you back inside.

“I don’t feel comfortable seeing my fiancé alone with my annoying kouhai.”

“Don’t you dare say that in front of the real adults.”

Oikawa chuckled at your vernacular, but his hand on your body only tightened. You looked at him with an inquisitive stare, then pointed to the offending limb.

“Are you going to be like this all night?”

“Why? Can’t resist me if I continue?”

You sighed before moving to poke him on the forehead.

He grabbed your hand quickly and pulled it close to his bodice, pushing you forward to lean further into Oikawa’s chest. Surprised at the action, he leaned his forehead against yours, eyes closing from the comfort of the close proximity. One arm was around your waist while the other was in your hair. 

You and Oikawa had always joked around, but never had you actually flirted. But feeling his large hands on your body and the soothing beat of his heart under your own, it was strange.

Oikawa whispered against your forehead, “I’m glad Shiratorizawa hasn’t changed you.”

You leaned back to look him fully in the eyes and returned in a similar tone of voice, “Don’t let it change you either.”

Oikawa had a small smile at that.

“Don’t stop on my accord.”

You jumped in surprised and tried to spring away from the brunet immediately, who slowly let go of his hold and allowed you room to stand next to him, arms still touching.

“It’s nothing like that.” You started, but Tōru’s sister just smiled and walked away, muttering about young love.

The rest of the night was thankfully uneventful, Oikawa giving you space to converse with his fellow schoolmates and you spent time playing with Takeru, his cute little nephew. You made sure to keep your words guarded around the other parents, when they commended you for your recent win at the tournament. It was weird, to say the least, to accept the compliments and praise of parents who had kids on the losing side (and they were present too! oof). At least, if it seemed your Kitagawa Daiichi friends were about to spite fire at you, Oikawa was quick to intervene and even stand by your side.

You were sure to pass out once everyone left the house, helping your mom in some light cleaning but saving the shore of it for future you.

Turning to your phone on the nightstand, since your mom utterly refused for you to use it when guests were around, you spotted dozens of missed texts and fought the urge to groan aloud.

You scrolled all the way back to the first message.

GroupChat: Caw Caw SHIRATORIZAWA ୧༼ д ͡༽୨

23:11   From: Captain-Sama!           what the fuck attached: instabook.jpg; screenshot.jpg;

23:11   From: the most tender Salami            looks like (f/n) actually took our advice and went with oiks and not miya

23:11   From: My only Okaasan/Eita            wait but what if they’ve been related this whole time?

23:11   From: Captain-Sama!           yeah it is family day

23:11   From: the most tender Salami           …

23:11   From: the most tender Salami           then that would mean an Oikawa actually does go to Shiratorizawa

23:12   From: Captain-Sama!           LMAO

23:12   From: Ushiwaka-sama!           this is not what I meant

23:12   From: My only Okaasan/Eita           we know, waka

23:12   From: the most tender Salami           but how can we confirm it

23:12   From: Captain-Sama!           (・_・)

23:12   From: Captain-Sama!           @kenjiro @kawanishi pls respond its urgent

23:12   From: the most tender Salami           @kenjiro @kawanishi help ive fallen and cant get up

23:27   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)           they are not related

23:27   From: Captain-Sama!           I KNEW THEY WERE DATING

23:27   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩           lmao no way

23:27   From: the most tender Salami           I need more receipts

23:27   From: Captain-Sama!           I think my ship is sailing (´∀｀)♡

23:28   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)           i don’t think so

23:28   From: Captain-Sama!           but they’re hOlDiNg HaNdS

You caught the gist of their conversation and scrolled down to the bottom, unwilling to read everything since you would have a whole hour to catch up to and with your sleepy eyes that just won’t do.

Without regard to whatever the last text was, you started:

00:57   From: do you know da wae           oiks is an old family friend

00:57   From: do you know da wae           my parents keep in touch w/ a lot of my ex-friends parents from Kitagawa

00:57   From: Captain-Sama!           oof sounds awk

00:57   From: do you know da wae           you have no idea

00:57   From: Kenjiro (`へ´*)           wait your celebratory dinner was w/ the ex-friends you just beat ??

00:58   From: do you know da wae           yeah…

00:58   From: Kawanishi ✩꒳✩           oof

00:58   From: do you know da wae           oikawa was the only one from Seijō willing to talk to me without the need to shank me

00:58   From: do you know da wae           and even then they made sure to verbally roast me at every opportunity

00:58   From: the most tender Salami           wow

00:59   From: Not-my-libero-Yamagata ( ´ ▽ ` )           we love you (L/N)!

00:59   From: Captain-Sama!           just know that we’re always here for you! ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

You smiled then and offered thanks, before shutting off your phone and finally getting a good nights rest after such an awful day.

The next day at breakfast, you just smiled and complimented your parents for their thoughtful dinner and how it was a success – saying nothing about the tension between you and the friends you used to have. It was your final day home and there was not a single thing you wanted to do.

Most of the people who lived around this area went to either Karasuno or Aobajōsai and then was no point in meeting up with your current friends at Shiratorizawa just to have to go back home and then head back to school the next day. You cherished the meal with your parents, but both your parents had plans later in the afternoon. Your mom sensed your anxiousness and tasked you with small chores.

You finally were interested when she directed, “(F/N), Kageama-kun forgot his leftovers yesterday. Mind bringing them over?”

With a quick nod and changing into your outdoor shoes, you headed out the door and a few streets over to the Kageyama household.

The windows were shut and no signs of light were seen. Kageyama seemed like the type who would do anything to keep himself in top form and you wondered the possibility if he was out jogging or something.

Ringing the bell, you heard some movement inside until the setter finally opened his front-door in surprise.

“(L/N)-san?”

You lifted the container of food into his point of view, “You forgot to bring some food home last night.”

“Oh, thanks.” He took it from you and paused, “Would you like to come in?”

You nodded at his polite gesture and greeted with a familiar sight. This was not the first time you were in his home, but it surely seemed the same from the last time. Kageyama seemed like a clean, tidy sort and undoubtedly his parents were as well.

You noticed his family picture displayed proudly on the center coffee table, an innocent smile on Kageyama’s face as he was nestled between his two parents. It looked like a picture-perfect family, reflecting only questions as to what happened to them now.

“You know, I can’t believe that I have never met your parents.” You commented, looking at the picture and him following your gaze.

He hesitated before replying, “I’m not surprised.”

You looked at Kageyama fully, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t think they’ve ever watched me play.” He admitted, eyes on the floor at the sad realization.

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah.” He had a tense expression on, “But I like your family.”

“Thanks, they’re pretty embarrassing.”

“I..” Kageyama was hesitating in his words a lot, concerning this subject, you noticed. “There are no words to say how thankful I am toward your parents, for what they said and do.”

“Don’t worry about it.” You comforted, putting a hand on his shoulder. “They really are proud of you. And so am I, really. Believe me, great things are in store for you.”

That, in your mind, marked the notable shift in your relationship with Kageyama. Even after the weekend break for Family Day, you still were able to keep in contact with the setter. Previously, you were unsure where you stood with the King of the Court. But now with shared numbers and daily texting with one another, you were glad to have held your friendship with the blueberry.

Everyone was training for the Spring Playoffs, everyone’s distant goal of nationals constantly in mind. As the reining champions of your Prefecture, this was the time of year to prove once again why that was so. You were defending for three years straight, Ushijima standing tall as the prime representative of your school.

As the regular setter, you knew better than anyone the massive amount of pressure and training it took to get to this stage. And you made sure to prove it during the official matches.

You felt your heart physically break when Karasuno faced off against Aobajōsai. A school that even you had remembered as a fallen-powerhouse was now over-powering a longstanding rival of your own school.

Oikawa did not cry at the end of the game, but your connection to the older setter was enough to feel the pure anguish and annoyance that was raging in his heart. You wanted to just say something to the brunet, but when Ushijima rushed Oikawa after the match, you figured that it was probably not the best timing. (You also did not want to risk the wrath of the others).

You waited behind a pillar, listening to Oikawa and his unusually intimidating voice. Both alpha males turned and stalked in opposite directions and you fought the urge to call out to the setter. Rather than leaving it to another moment, one that would be much easier for him to ignore, you ran behind him and wrapped your arms around his waist.

He squeaked out in surprise, “Wha-”

“You deserve the world Oikawa and I know you’re meant for more than what this prefecture has to offer.” You interrupted before walking around to be face-to-face to him, “You’re going to stand on an international stage. And no one will be able to stop you there.”

He stayed quiet, eyes hard as they examined your own, as if he was trying to gauge how honest your words were.

“Besides, I wouldn’t marry a man who wasn’t prepared to take over the world.” You joked.

He cracked a small smile then, and slowly wrapped his arms around your waist. “Thank you.”

You smiled brightly, a hand on his chest while the other was on cheek, to full look at him. “I just want you to be as proud as I am about you.”

Oikawa looked away, turning to the side before returning his gaze back to you. “Why couldn’t you come to Aobajōsai?”

You were internally taken aback at the question and you were sure it showed on your face.

“I never asked before, I just accepted that my counterpart on the women’s team was on a completely different track.” Oikawa explained, voice a small whisper. “And it made me wonder how someone like you, who tried so hard against Shiratorizawa in junior high and still lost, did not even try to fight them.”

His voice was hard by the time the last few words came-out and this felt like an incredibly different Oikawa.

“You claim so hard that you care about us, about me.” Oikawa bit-out, “Then why didn’t you even try to fight for us?”

“I, everyone knew from the start-“

“You were the pillar of the team, the cog that made it run. You gave them strength and you knew that and you still left.”

You were sure this was something Oikawa had been waiting to get off his chest, a thought that had lingered for years apparently now, and were unsure what you could say to placate the remnants of your friendship with the setter.

“The fact of it all is that we cared to keep our family together even if meant not being an absolute winner.” Oikawa stated, a bruising hold on your waist now. You could not find it in yourself to push him away, “Which obviously, didn’t matter as much to you.”

“Oikawa, please.” You whispered out, unsure what you were asking for.

“Please what? To stop saying the truth or making you finally realize it?” His gaze was a predatory-kind, one you had spotted multiple times on the court and one that displayed an intimidating anger. “Are you really supposed to refer to your fiancé by his last-name?”

“Why are you being like this?” Your voice came out weakly and you barely recognized it.

“Why were we your last choice, (F/N)-chan?”

You pushed at his chest, but his hold did not budge and you were sure that your face demonstrated the absolute fear you had toward your friend of five years.

“That’s enough.” You heard the comforting voice of someone familiar along with multiple footsteps.

When you looked over Oikawa’s shoulder to see Semi’s confused one, it immediately hardened at seeing you so scared. He did not hesitate to push you two apart, standing as a shield in front of you between you and Oikawa as Kenjirō put a protective hold on your shoulder and Kawanishi scanned you up and down.

“What happened here?” You heard Iwaizumi’s voice as he rushed down the hall.

His best-friend, who knew Oikawa almost better than himself, saw the raging anger in the setter and for once and only once – it was aimed toward you alone.

The brunet took one last look at you, hard and piercing despite the addition of multiple people, before her turned away and walked back toward his team.

Iwaizumi did not leave immediately, looking at you with an apologetic disposition before following behind his friend.

“Are you alright?” Semi asked once both boys were out of eyesight.

You reassured them you were fine, but your voice could not even convince yourself.

“Oikawa might’ve been your friend, but he’s our rival now and he is trying to shake you before your final, don’t let him get to you.” Semi explained.

You nodded meekly, allowing Kenjirō to guide you back to the Shiratorizawa area. The others were quiet as you approached and you wanted nothing more than for the others to forget this ever happened.

“If only we could crush him tomorrow.” Tendou stated with narrowed eyes as he looked at your rosy nose and distraught eyes.

“Thanks, Salami.” You attempted a small smile.

“Ugh, I hate seeing you like this.” Tendou commented before putting a comforting hand on your shoulder and ruffling your hair.

Oikawa was right, to an extent. You and him had started on the same track, leaders of each respective Kitagawa Daiichi volleyball team and one of many victims to the Shiratorizawa streak. You had both felt the pure anguish of utter defeat, the fact that you had both tried your best and it still was not enough. And instead of following Oikawa’s track, you had chosen to attend the school that often broke your heart.

You wondered how long Oikawa had thought this but said nothing.

You were sure the bitter defeat was a large impetus to how he just treated you. But it still stung to know that was some pure honesty and truth in his words. You wanted the ground to swallow you up, to take away the memories of the last hour and stop yourself from seeing one of your close friends because one of your now many rivals.

Goshiki sat with you on the bus and made a point of keeping your mind off of what had just happened. It was obvious that everyone knew by now, from your captain’s reassuring stare and Yamagata putting a comforting hand on your shoulder, they were thankfully trying to keep their words guarded, at least. You smiled at the first-year, appreciative that he was trying so hard.

You saw from your peripheral that Kenjirō would often turn in his seat to check-in on you (it’s not like he was trying to hide it anyway). Yamagata offered you his spare juice box and Ushijima offered to pickup ice-cream for you on his usual night jog. It made you laugh at the offer, but accept it nonetheless since this was a rare occurrence.

Why do you care so much about people who want nothing to do with you?

Kageyama’s word rang in your mind and you thought, maybe, it was time to let Oikawa and the others go. Your heart ached at the thought, but you doubted that they shared the same sentiment about you. They weren’t staying up at night, losing sleep as they thought about you.

No, they hated you.

And when Iwaizumi texted you the next morning, you just said you were fine and it was probably for the best.

Besides, you had other things to worry about rather than people who cared nothing for you.

The next night was the finals between the men’s teams, Karasuno bringing Shiratorizawa to a full five sets, one that had you watching with baited breath. The crowds themselves seemed to have their own battle, cheering with their whole hearts to the point that you were sure you were rocking the stadium. You wished Kageyama good luck before the match, his face erupting in a rather obvious blush as his grey-headed senpai smiled and just patted him on the back. You did the same with Shirabu and Kawanishi as well.

Shirabu just smirked and Kawanishi patted your head.

Assholes.

But now you were seeing more emotion on each second-years’ faces than ever before. Yes, Shirabu and Kawanishi were salt squad and had no qualms using biting words or sarcasm. And yet the setter was much more expressive, displaying even fear and surprise as the game went on. You felt your heart surge when you saw Kawanishi get a serious face on, eyes narrowing as you saw the little hamster in his head run at full speed, guess-blocking working at it’s peak form now.

Kageyama was no exception, acting as one of the main conductors of the game and even having to sit out from his diminishing stamina. His jump serves were much better than during the Interhigh, you wondered if you should give yourself a pat on the back or kick your own ass for helping him against your own team. 

But there was no doubt in anyone’s mind, while the team of Karasuno was strong through their constant attacks and teamwork – it was Kageyama who was standing out the most during this game.

Hinata and that blond middle-blocker were interesting players, but your eyes always gravitated back to Kageyama. From his jump-serve that had even your powerhouse school on their toes to his resilient efforts to keep playing despite exhaustion, Kageyama kept your attention for the entire duration of the game.

You wondered if Kageyama’s parents were present.

You were not sure who to cheer for. Ushijima proved his unending stamina, earning point after point even when it was obvious that it was getting tiresome. It made your own shoulder hurt just looking at him. Tendou showcased the true power of the guess-blocker, eyes roaming the shorter setter with keen eyes.

All of this came to a crashing end.

21-19

The absolute winners were retiring.

Everyone was tasked with one-hundred serves, even the women’s team who had their own finals in a few more days.

Shirabu and Kawanishi were tenser than usual, you noticed during class and again during lunch. Shirabu’s not-girlfriend attempted to placate his mood with ice-cream, but she later iterated to you that in the end he just needed a long hug. You tried to do the same to Kawanishi, who simply took it in pure silence as he reciprocated the gesture.

Tendou was seemingly placated when you gifted him a home-cooked meal from a recent care-package from mom, but you knew the third-year well enough that his dark paradise was a hole in his heart that could never be replaced. Ushijima was hard to read, but nonetheless thanked you when you had given him a small cactus.

The men’s game put your nerves more at odds, despite how much you were trying to hard it with a strong face. Karasuno, a team that rose from nothing to become the team heading to nationals, they were able to beat the indomitable champions of Miyagi. It made your stomach churn at the possibility of losing to your long-term rivals at Aobajōsai.

The day after the game, everyone could observe your anxieties and had decided that maybe you needed some good luck help from home. You used to always have a ritual when you were particularly nervous and that involved a certain dish you mom made as a charm before big games and it also helped to have the words of your parents affirm your confidence. Your coach agreed to this idea, spying your shaky hands and unsure moves in practice.

Before home you stopped at the Kageyama’s, Tobio answering the door for you.

“Just wanted to say congratulations.” You greeted before taking something out of your bag. “I remember you used to love these milk cartons in junior high, so consider this a celebratory gift.”

“Thank you.” He had a small smile, one that you were sure he was not even aware of. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me.”

“Why would I be?”

“Shiratorizawa...”

“Is just a school.” You interrupted, thinking back to your ex-friends from Aobajōsai, “We all love volleyball and it’s time we all accepted there can only be one winner.”

He nodded at your explanation.

“Besides, you should come watch me win our spot to nationals.” You winked, “Me versus Seijō. It’ll be one hell of a game.”

“I know you’ll do great.” Hearing a compliment like that from Kageyama, it was strange. But you smiled anyway. “What are you doing in the area?”

“Ah. I’ve been getting nervous from seeing your game, honestly. So I was allowed to go home tonight for a good luck charm and to help calm myself.”

“Nervous? But you’re not playing us.”

“I know that!” You rolled your eyes in amusement. “But Shiratorizawa has always been considered as the winners. And no offense, nobody saw your win as possible. But you did it anyway. And the same thing could very well happen to us.”

Kageyama lightly poked on your forehead. “Boke, focus on the fight in front of you. You’ve always won against them, right? In practice matches and last tournament, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then use it to your benefit, but don’t get complacent.”

You paused and smiled, “Thank you.”

“Would you like to come in?”

“As tempting as that is, I have to get home to my parents and then head back to school.” You looked at his house once more, “Are your parents home?”

“No.” You frowned, but said nothing and waited for him to continue. “Neither of them have been, for a few days.”

“Have you heard from them?”

Kageyama turned away, “They don’t even know I’m going to nationals.”

You put a small hand in the crook of his elbow, “Would you like to join us for dinner?”

“Sure.”

Since then, the match between Karasuno and Shiratorizawa was spurning you on, the thought of further rivals exciting you rather than scaring you now. You could not deny the fact that seeing both your parents and Kageyama had lightened your spirits. 

And, not for the first time, you pondered over your strange relationship with the young setter.

You were not as close to him as you were to Oikawa in the past. And yet Kageyama was the one who tried just a little bit harder to hold onto you than your brunet friend. You could not deny the slight attraction you felt toward the blueberry as well, his shy and blunt nature something you were akin to. If anything, you knew better than most how much Kageyama had changed in the last few years.

But you had bigger things to worry about now.

Like going to nationals.

You relished in the slight burn in the palm of your hand at your untouched jump-serves, success rate higher than usual. And when you stood on the court itself, the name Shiratorizawa echoing as it cheered through the stands, you felt pride course through your veins.

When both Shirabu and Kawanishi wished you luck before your match, you felt the need to knock their heads together like coconuts. They tried to do it in the chillest way possible, muttering it to you with their hands in their pockets. You watched Tendou roll his eyes from behind Shirabu. Instead, you tugged them both into a hug before either could be too cool to refuse it.

Ushijima patted you on the shoulder and reiterated the tips he had given you in the gym the day before – it seemed Waka was actually watching you intently and you thanked him for his observance and helpful advice. Goshiki offered you a thumbs-up and Tendou patted you on the head for the nth time, but you smiled at both. Semi and Reon stood to the side with genuine smiles, since neither were particularly close to you, but you appreciated their presence anyway.

You were placed in the front line, your team’s starting position opting for the most attack options in the front row. The women’s team for Aobajōsai was similar in that it was a complete team, but a team not as good as Oikawa’s. 

The synergy and trust between the setter and Iwaizumi was not something that could be replicated, only earned through more than a decade of true friendship. Rather, the women’s team lacked the power necessary from their ace and it was easy for a team as skilled as yours to pick up their serves defensively. Shiratorizawa relied on the power of their ace – and for a team with the best volleyball players in the Prefecture, it was a winning strategy.

Once you were rotated to serve, the entire stadium was separated from you mentally. It was just you and the game in front of you, not the loud shouts of Seijō or the pressured looks from your older captain. You let it lose, scoring with a single touch on your serve.

A no-touch service ace – a feat only you were capable of throughout the entire game.

You relished at the cheer of your name, the powerhouse clout proven when seemingly the entire stadium erupted in your name. It was a skill you had alone, not even your older senpai’s capable of scoring on a no-touch ace. And yet you did it multiple times. You spotted the clenched fists of your previous friends and their glares in your direction. But that did not deter you from your goal as you served with your entirety.

You glanced at the scoreboard, only one more point and you would be the reigning victor.

A deep breath.

In only three sets, it was over.

You were going to nationals.

Everything after that was hazy – you remember your ace literally picking you up. She was a good ten centimeters taller than you and built like a complete brickhouse, so that definitely helped. You remembered bowing to both your current and previous friends, but not a single one of them took your hand to shake at the lineup.

If you were still unsure of your relationship, it was quite clear that they hated you now.

The men’s team, sporting their similar tracksuits, clapped along in the stands as you thanked the audience. Your star-struck facial expression must have been obvious, since your fellow teammates kept poking at your cheeks and teasing your appearance.

“No touch service ace!” Your ace yelled aloud, grabbing you in another hug and lifting you like a trophy for the second time in the last ten minutes.

“You are an absolute monster, (F/N)!” Your captain commented as she laughed, arms in the air as she celebrated as well.

You felt the congrats and praise of everyone around you – your stoic coach even smiling in your direction (a small act of praise, but that was probably the best you were going to get). You felt the murmurs of the crowd around you, an immense audience that had just watched you singlehanded slam a ball away from an entire team.

It was liberating.

You along with a few others walked out from the courts, wanting to get some air away from the ruckus at the center of it all. Some wandered to the bathroom and others wanted to immediately run to their significant others.

You wandered out in the hall and the first non-teammate you ran into was a familiar brunet, running and hugging him from behind.

“(F/N), I will break your bones and make a chair out of them.”

“Shirabu, take me out to dinner first.” You joked, arms never leaving his middle even after he turned around towards you. “Come on, I just won. Grant me this?”

Shirabu rolled his eyes, but did eventually return your hug, ears suddenly red at the endearing gesture. “You serve well.”

“Thanks, maybe I’ll give you some private lessons.” You winked, earning you a push to your face immediately, putting a good foot between you and the other setter.

You laughed, the sound echoing through the hall and earning a small tsk, signaling that you two were not the only ones in the near-empty hall. You saw Shirabu tense in your peripheral, before he stepped in front of you between you and the other man with his one arm raised as if it was a protective wall.

He had his chin-up, arm on his waist as he regarded you with narrowed eyes and a dangerous expression.

“Oikawa.” You started.

“Congrats on your win.”

“Thanks.”

“Five points in the last set were yours alone, meaning twenty percent of the win was just from your serve.” Oikawa started explaining and you were unsure where he was going with this. “That’s without counting sets to the ace.”

“I suggest you leave.” Shirabu interrupted Oikawa’s external train of thought.

The brunet ignored him. “And who did you learn that jump serve from?”

You swallowed lightly, “From you.”

“And yet it was greatest weapon used today.” He narrowed his eyes, letting it travel your form as you stood there with a tight expression. “If only I had known then.”

“Let’s go, (F/N).” Shirabu stated, eyes never leaving Oikawa.

“Go ahead. I hope you think of me each and every time someone praises you on your jump-serve.”

“That’s enough.” Another voice cut in from the other end of the hallway, “She won today and not even you can take that away from her.”

Oikawa narrowed his eyes at Kageyama’s appearance before turning to you, “Of course, this is the one you actually care about.”

“Tōru, stop.” You bit out, voice stern at this convening of setters.

“Oh, cut that out. I played a part in who you are today, you and I both know that.”

“Of course, I know that!” You exclaimed as you move to stand right in front of him, “The part you played in my life will always mean something to me, but you are not the same Oikawa I grew up with right now.”

Oikawa tsked before biting out, “Good luck at nationals.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Of course I do, dear fiancé.” Oikawa emphasized the last word, shrugging as he turned to leave the way he came.

“Whatever, it’s not like you can relate to nationals anyway!” You yelled as he walked away, watching him physically hesitate at your words, but never uttering another word toward you.

Kageyama’s eyes followed him until he was completely out of view, before he turned to you. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, that was nothing.”

He looked as if he did not believe you, blue eyes hanging onto your appearance for a second longer before turning to the quiet Shirabu. The brunet was examining you also, eyes trained on your blank expression as if you were trying hard to convey that you were okay.

“I should freshen up or something before the ceremony.” You started, “I’ll see you in a bit. Thanks for coming Kageyama, in case I don’t see you later.”

You fought the urge to bite your lip as you ran in the direction of the bathrooms. This was supposed to be your day. The culmination of all your hard-work as you finally earn your rightful spot to nationals, it was supposed to be a day where you cheered and were happy at being at the frontlines for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

And yet.

You opened the door to the women’s bathroom and came face to face with the vice-captain of Aobajōsai. Or as you once knew her in junior high, she held the same position while you were the captain.

“This isn’t over.” She immediately snarled.

“I know.”

“I hope you know that I hate you.”

“I know.” You stated in a low tone, pushing past her and into the bathroom. She huffed, silently observing you as you washed your face in the sink.

“Then do something!” She yelled, “I hate you so much I feel like I can just rip you limb from fucking limb! You were my best-friend for years and you still felt the need to leave!”

“I know. And I was wrong to diminish your feelings like that.”

“I… What?” She was still huffing, despite the confused expression on her face.

“You’re right. You guys were my closest friends since I first started school and I just… left.”

“Why are you saying this?”

“Because you’re right. I don’t regret going to Shiratorizawa, but it wasn’t fair of me to disregard all your feelings. I thought it was because of the rivalry between our schools, but it was because of me.” You sighed, “I’m sorry. I should’ve considered the fact that we were a family, but I’m not like Oikawa.”

She clenched her jaw but said nothing.

“I didn’t choose to stay with my friends, I chose for my future. And that was selfish of me, but I won’t change it.”

She sucked in a deep breath and stated, “I hate you.”

“I know.”

With a long-hard look, she huffed yet again. “Good luck at nationals, you bitch.”

You could not help the chuckle that escaped your lips, but she had already turned to leave out the door by the time you turned back to where she was. At least you had said your peace, there was nothing left for you to do if they could not accept even that.

The prefecture ceremony was a blur, names announced and cheers erupting at each team-member. You remember looking over to Aobajōsai on multiple occasions – it seemed they were all looking at you. No matter what was happening or who was being called, you could almost guarantee that a good amount of them were glaring in your direction.

It was liberating that you could brush it off, no longer as affected as you would have been even a week ago.

“Congratulations, (F/N).” Ushijima commended as he stood towering over you.

“Thank you.” You bowed, “Your advice really helped.”

He nodded, before turning to speak to other members of your team.

“Congrats again.” Shirabu greeted with a smile.

Kawanishi said nothing as he wrapped his arms around your middle for a quick second before backing away. “You earned it.”

You rolled your eyes, unsure if he was referring to the game-winning victory points or the ‘hug’ he had given you just now.

But you loved them all anyway.

They were your family now.

Your coach started practice the same as any other day, as if you had not just earned your way to nationals seemingly the day before. You wondered if you had just dreamed up the last few days, the real match taking place soon which is why you were training so damn hard. Your ace raised a brow as you were all instructed to do more jump-serves but did not grumble aloud unless face with another consequence.

When the entire team had finished their round, the coach gathered everyone into a circle to address them.

“Hopefully, the last few days have taught you the importance of the jump-serve.” Her eyes travelled the group until they landed completely on you. You felt multiple eyes of your teammates do the same. “You could completely shut-out your opponent with this attack, stopping them from ever connecting and letting them simply suffer defeat without ever touching the ball.”

You raised a brow at her morbid description but kept on listening.

“There is no doubt why (F/N) was named MVP of the match. But do not rest on your laurels, enjoy your break but don’t get lazy.”

The reaction was instantaneous.

“We have a break?!” Your captain exclaimed in obvious excitement.

“I’ll see you all on Monday.” Your coach stated vaguely, before turning and walking away.

“Hell yes!” Your captain yelled, “Let’s clean-up faster so we can get homecooked meals, yes?”

You felt the air of amusement and laughter in the gymnasium, happy to finally go home on this warm Friday evening, without the worries of practice over the weekend. Maybe your coach was not that bad after all.

And when you woke up mid-Saturday morning in the comfort of your home, guessing maybe around ten, you stretched and relished in the rare enjoyment of sleeping-in. Waking at nearly five in the morning every day, just to jog of all things, was taking it’s toll on you. You had to learn how to enjoy life more, you mused with a small smile.

Your mom knocked on your door before entering, “You have a visitor sweetie. I suggest you freshen-up. I’ll make breakfast for the two of you, but then I have to leave!”

“Ughisdfhis.” You murmured into your pillow as your rolled over.

“Or maybe I should just invite Kageyama-kun to your room so he can see how you really are.” She teased.

Immediately you were up, springing out of bed at the aforementioned name. You grabbed an outfit you packed the night before, rushing into your bathroom to brush you teeth and look presentable before the young setter.

By the time you headed downstairs, you were as clean and crisp as a bloomed daisy.

“Good morning, Kageyama-kun.” You greeted, “To what do I owe this visit?”

He greeted you in kind and explained, “I wanted to congratulate you like you did to me before..”

You walked over to him and suddenly a box of avocados were thrust into your view, quickly grabbing hold of it as Kageyama rushed in into your arms.

“I’m sorry! You gave me milk and I remember in a magazine you said you liked avocados! I thought…!”

You laughed at the sentiment, happy that he had thought about you but amused that he had resorted to the secondhand words of a magazine of all places. “Thank you, Kageyama-kun. I love it.”

“Are you sure? Because I can –”

“Stop worrying so much. It’s a present from you, of course I’ll love it.” You put the box on the floor and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Thank you so much.”

“No problem.” You were openly staring at him, eyes trained on his flushed appearance as he shyly attempted to look away from your strong stare. “Boke, stop staring at me.”

You chuckled, turning your gaze to the side before back to him. “There’s just something about you that I like, Kageyama-kun.”

It seemed as if he stopped breathing, expression similar to a fish out of water.

“Like, like-like?”

You chuckled, “What? Am I not allowed to?”

“No!” He seemed exasperated, hands raised as if to stop you. “No… I’m just surprised.”

“Why?”

“Oikawa…”

“Has only ever just been a friend.” You quickly finished the sentence for him.

“Or Shirabu…”

“Has a semi-girlfriend who would literally kill me.”

“Oh.”

You had a brow lifted, already expecting this surprised and unsure reaction from Kageyama. He was always socially stunted and did not hold it to him that he had yet to actually respond to your confession. Kageyama stood, wide-eyed and barely blinking, staring straight into your eyes as if looking for a hint of farce.

“I like you, too.” He stated plainly and if not for the seriousness of the situation, you would had chuckled at his solemn tone of voice.

“That’s reassuring to hear.” You responded, smile on your face widening.

“Are you sure you like me?”

You chuckled lightly, “For someone who claims to like me, it seems as if you’re pushing me away.”

“No!” Kageyama urged, “Just making sure, boke.”

You rolled your eyes, smile still prevalent at his words. This was the same Kageyama who was labeled as King of the Court – and for good reason too. He was relentless and exuded confidence in the one medium that barely anyone could match his all-around skill. There were times, as you watched him on the court, that you were utterly impressed with his abilities. And yet now..

It was clear that Kageyama was one thing right now: unsure. And you found the need to somehow reassure him, to let him now fully and transparently that he was the complete object of your affections.

So you stepped toward the now shy setter and took his hand in yours. Widely smiling, you were about to ask him something before he suddenly interrupted.

“Would you like…” He paused, looking to the side before turning back to you. “Would you like to date?”

“I would love to.”

He smiled back, tightening his hold on your hand. It was quite clear that the entirety of your own could fit in his palm – it was a nice feeling. Unlike the multiple times that the situation called for being your hand held, like with Oikawa being an ass or the occasional Shirabu (like when he was dragging you away due to embarrassment), this felt right.

“How about today? Are you free right now?” He asked, mustering more courage now knowing that you would most likely say yes.

“Sure, just let me get ready and we can get brunch.”

Your mom was not at all surprised when she returned, seeing you getting ready for your first-date ever. Kageyama was still waiting in the living room, hands clenched at the top of his knees while the television played ignored in the background. It was evident from the expression on his face that his mind was reeling over the past hour and over the implications of the next one. You were not the only one nervous, but this was Kageyama of all people, you understood him. If only there was a way for you to convey this to him.

Kageyama overheard your mom’s declaration of happiness at the situation and fought the urge to blush, was he that obvious? Your mother, uncaring of the rather uncomfortable setter sitting in her living room, walked out of the kitchen to shoot him a thumbs-up and ink. When Kageyama only blushed harder, your mom laughed and held out her hand, your father slapping an annoyed twenty bucks into her expecting palm.

“Don’t make me regret trusting you, boy.” Your father warned, a pointer finger in Kageyama’s direction as he was dragged away and out the house by your mother for ‘privacy.’

You shoved the door closed behind you as they left, back against the wood once both were gone. “Don’t mind them, they’re embarrassing.”

Kageyama smiled, then stood and hesitantly took your hand in his. “No, don’t worry about it. I love your family.”

You felt your own expression widen as it matched his, giving his hand a gentle squeeze in yours. “Thanks. Where to?”

Kageyama nodded, saying nothing as he guided you out the house and down the street. You had good idea about where you were headed, Kageyama was a man of routine and rarely strayed from his likes unless necessary, so simply entrusted your walk to him.

You peered up at his handsome visage, black mop of hair sitting naturally with a small rosiness dusting his cheeks. He was Kageyama obviously, but much different from the one you went to junior high with. This was a man weathered and you appreciated his journey from dictator to kind blueberry, happy to have seen his growth.

You lifted a free hand to push some of his longer bangs back behind his ear, the feeling unnatural to the poor setter, who immediately froze at the physical contact.

“You’re so cute, Kageyama-kun.” You complimented, before turning back to your route and lightly tugging on his hand to keep walking.

“Boke.” Breaking his stupor, Kageyama looked to the side and muttered in a low voice. “You’re the cute one.”

You fought the urge to laugh, but wanted to do something to reflect your feelings. You knew that a kiss would nearly cause the setter to explode and debated it as your stared at his lips and later at his cheek. Your train of thought must have been obvious, since Kageyama’s eyes widened unsurely.

Knowing you did not want to implode this poor boy’s heart, you took his hand in yours and placed a harmless kiss.

He was red the whole day. 

[solomonish]

Solomon Headcanons

I didn’t like my old headcanons for him and I think I have a slightly better feel for him so I’m posting these bad boys. Maybe at this rate I’ll just post Solomon HCs every month 

Also this turned into more of a “I’m going to talk about Solomon in depth and maybe throw in one headcanon about kissing him” and is no longer “lol what kind of dates do you go on? <3″ so uh. do with that what you will. It’s also SUPER LONG (or feels that way) so make sure you have a hot second to read them

you can find my for real headcanons for him here but I don’t necessarily stand by them anymore? They’re just there for fun now lol

Solomon’s Relationship With Relationships

Solomon has been alive for...a long time, and with that naturally comes a lot of experiences, negative and positive. It’s also natural that it would also have him break out of traditional structures regarding...everything, but especially things regarding relationships and specific other people.

(Not to get sociological or philosophical about society or whatever, but the way we view everything is accented heavily by the end. With exceptions, and this certainly varies from culture to culture, but as a general idea, we view things expecting them to take place over the span of 70-100 years. Certain positions in politics or business or something try to look at things generationally, but how capable of that are we and how far ahead can we truly see?)

(What I mean to say is that immortality naturally shifts the entire context in which you would view things that were expected to be “lifelong.” What once existed to enrich a life is now a tether to a system that doesn’t necessarily suit his existence.)

Psychologically, however.....I don’t think Solomon has tried to (or even can) rewire himself entirely to the point where he doesn’t feel love. He’s already got a fondness for Simeon and Luke (always crying about him calling them “dear friends” in the circus event i don’t know if he says anything in the lessons because i’m only on like 21 LOL) so he’s clearly capable of fondness and affection.

Not that those should equate exactly to romantic feelings (because they shouldn’t), but there’s undeniable similarities between platonic and romantic affection and, for the purposes of speculating about an immortal’s capability to still feel both, I think they can be equated in this regard.

There are a lot of assumptions I’m making about him to make this post, namely the following: that there is still reconciling to be done internally between his immortality and humanity, that Solomon’s composed and confident nature is a bit of a front (only a bit - I’ll explain more later), and, related to these two, that he even cares about humanity and that he still wants to preserve his humanity.

While this might be my perspective as a regular human, I really don’t believe that the desire to be human and fully encompass what that means has left. If anything, I think his intrinsic desire for knowledge and power stems from it, and he’s just suppressed the “mushier” emotional parts of that as a sort of....defense mechanism, if you will.

SO the tl;dr of this is that you know how alloromantic people just like feel in love and they get their romantic crushes and it’s natural and they can’t control it? Solomon gets that! He just isn’t the type to swoon over someone or really make it known.

He also as a person is big on being manipulative shady and in control, so if he were to just be super obvious about having a crush on someone and not being able to do anything about it, that would sort of tarnish his whole image.

So yeah, I think Solomon just has his emotions on a tight leash when they probe to be out of control. Clearly, he doesn’t have every part of him under this sort of watchful eye (whether that’s because he still wants to feel genuine happiness or he knows if he came across as emotionless and calculated people would trust him even less, I haven’t decided), but those that cause trouble stay behind locked doors.

Additionally, I don’t think Solomon is opposed to falling in love. I’d bet he’s had lots of different partners over the years and remembers them fondly (you know, assuming they ended well)

I also think his immortal status makes dating different? I feel like doesn’t really date to find a life partner because. well. (gestures).

That’s not to say that he doesn’t date casually sometimes or something. In the terms of a serious romantic partnership, though, it’s rare that it happens because he knows that it’ll die with them (and stay within him for probably forever, even if/when there comes a day he can no longer remember their name or their face).

Another assumption I’m making that I forgot to mention: I think it’s rare that Solomon’s serious, long-term partners know the true extent of the magic he dabbles in. Maybe he lets them know it’s real magic, or he pretends it’s all show magic and parlor tricks. Sometimes he pretends his pact marks are tattoos, sometimes he tells the truth. If ever these confessions are laughed off, he laughs them off too and creates a cover story.

He doesn’t intend to lie, but it’s very difficult to meet someone and explain........all of THAT. On which date to you mention that you can control 72 demons? Do you send a card explaining how you’ve been alive since Biblical times and you’re not even sure if you birthday is your real birthday anymore, let alone how old you are? And should that card be store bought or homemade?

So while it’s rare for Solomon to have a serious romantic partnership, it’s even more rare for him to be entirely understood or accepted for EVERYTHING that he is because he can’t get into it. Arguably, that hasn’t happened since his “death” in his original timeline.

A crush for Solomon isn’t a hopeless affair, either. Should you choose someone else, he’ll allow himself the disappointment and move on.

With Solomon, romantic love sparks naturally, but genuine true love isn’t some all-powerful, unstoppable force. He falls more in line with the people who believe it’s a choice and a decision, somewhere between “it’s purely a biological impulse we just gave a fancy name” and “it’s the magic that makes life more enjoyable”

With MC

In the case of MC, however, I think he might initially see it as bothersome or a hinderance to whatever his plan is with being down there for the exchange program. Maybe he convinces himself he’s just naturally attracted to you because you’re human like him. Once he comes to terms with his feelings and gets to know MC a bit more, he might even see it as a lost cause seeing as you already have several of the brothers vying for your affections.

For Solomon to act on a crush that he’s already decided is hopeless, it’ll be up to the MC to show that THEY are interested in HIM

He finds no particular pleasure in being someone who is chased after or “playing hard to get,” but he already has a complicated relationship with complicated relationships. He’s gonna need a down payment of affection a sign that there’s anything even there to pursue 

Traditional flirting, while he’ll have his fun with it (and probably enjoy it at least a little - who doesn’t like feeling desirable?), doesn’t really work for him. Lots of people and creatures have used it to try and charm him, plus he has a pact with Asmo, so at this point he really sees it as more casual fun then an indication of true interest.

Honestly, to get him to realize “oh shit I actually have a chance,” you’re going to have to do two main things: 1) make him feel chosen over the others, and 2) respond to his displays of affection

Making Him Feel Chosen

This isn’t really a competition thing, or some selfish hoarding of your time. The thing is, Solomon knows he isn’t the only one in the running and he knows that anything he has to offer, somebody else could give you a portion of it.

(You won’t get the same experience or combination of traits with somebody else obvi, but with 11 suitors and an added chihuahua, there tends to be a little bit of overlap with everyone)

A crush for Solomon is a romantic interest, but if he intends on pursuing a serious relationship (which, I feel, is what he intends to be the final goal of his crushes as opposed to more casual affairs), he needs to see SOME reciprocation

Being with him is an ordeal, maybe a lifelong one for you, so he needs that assurance that it’ll be worth it and there aren’t better avenues

Basically, this means that ✨ quality time ✨ is of the utmost importance

At first, it doesn’t have to be anything big. Sit with him at lunch when you see him in the cafeteria, meet him in the library while you wait for your demon escort to be finished with their extracurriculars, chat him up in the one class you have together (and then ask him to help you study what you missed in class by talking. it’s a required transfer class but you already know everything about it, right, Solomon? 🥺)

As your relationship progresses, that’s when things start to get harder. Invite him out to things that you think he’ll enjoy, and say yes to as many excursions with him as you can. Bonus points for making it clear that you want to go when you’re unable to attend. 

(He finds himself a little embarrassed how happy it makes him when instead of just a “no” or a “sorry, not today” he gets something like “I’m on dinner duty so I have to spend that time preparing :( but we should definitely make a date so you can tell me about it later!” It makes him feel like a priority.)

It isn’t until you find yourself comfortable enough to ask him to accompany you to something you want to do that he starts to realize you’re hanging out with him for him and not because he’s just offering up a bunch of fun new experiences for you to try.

You don’t even have to say “hey, i’m pretty sure you know all about the birds in the Devildom aviary but I haven’t had a chance to go and would really like to spend the day with you. Wanna come with?” If it’s something that he knows you know isn’t in his wheelhouse, he’ll be able to figure out that OH.....you’re inviting him for HIM.....oh

Make him feel like a priority, like he’s the one that you want, even out of all your choices. You can be as enthralled by the birds in that aviary as you want, just as long as you make it clear that your enthusiasm to be with him is on the same level and he’ll finally kick himself into gear.

Responding to His Affections

Now, you don’t have to do anything you don’t like. I hear in his dame card devilgram he’s a consent king, and he stands by that every day of the week

He also isn’t the type to need an exact equal to everything he does. Yes a relationship is a two way street, but this isn’t saying that if he gets you a gift you need to present him something with equal or greater value within the next 24 hours. he’s not mammon haha i’m so FUNNY

Just...let him know that he’s doing things right. His serious relationships are few and far between and people change as often as the times do, so make sure that he knows what he’s doing is landing. He’s not insecure per se, but he would like to know that he isn’t making a fool of himself entirely, you know?

Don’t brush him off in front of the brothers or he’ll think he’s read the situation all wrong and you’re back to square one. If you do it because you don’t like touching and he put an arm around your shoulder or something, that’s fine, but if he thinks you’re uncomfortable being with him in front of the brothers he’ll wonder if you even liked him at all.

To him, a secret relationship isn’t really feasible. First of all, those brothers are ALWAYS in your business so bold of you to think you’ll have ANY secrets by the time the exchange program is done, and secondly, don’t you both have enough on your plate that you shouldn’t make something that makes you happy needlessly complicated?

He is an odd case and knows there’s a lot that comes with him, so if you’re uncomfortable simply showing that you’re in a relationship and reciprocating, he’ll think you aren’t equipped to handle.....All That.

In case you haven’t noticed, he’s weird. He’s a weirdo. He doesn’t fit in. And he doesn’t want to fit in. Have you ever seen him without that stupid cape on? That's weird.

If you respond to his affections in a similar way, such as putting you arm around his waist or a hand on his back when he puts an arm around your shoulder or reaching up to fix his hair when he reaches to mess with yours, it’ll make him happy for sure. He doesn’t have any specific expectations for you but he’ll like to feel like you’re on the same wavelength.

A lot of his affections are morphed into specific and targeted teasing (but not like *gently bullies u* teasing). It’s a lot of inside jokes at your expense (and the more inside jokes he has, the more he probably likes you)

It’s also a lot of messing up your hair, sharp pokes and frustrating games like “guess what?” “i don’t know, what?” “i told you to guess, MC.” “ugh...you won the lottery” “guess better” “please don’t do this to me Solomon”

He probably responds best to Acts of Service and Quality Time (though at any stage in the relationship he’s a flexible man). While he’s trying to woo you to solidify his spot in first place against everyone else, if you continue to make the effort to be around him or like. recognize he’s taking time out of his day to romance you and do something for him in return he’ll cement the fact that oh yeah, this is happening between the two of you

(not to say that romancing you is a chore, because it’s not, but man if it doesn’t make him happy that you’re wanting to make his life easier on him so he can pursue the other things he enjoys, too.)

What a Relationship with Solomon is Like

He isn’t the biggest person on PDA, or at least not on purpose. He won’t see you and immediately be like ‘oh there they are i need to kiss them kiss kiss kiss’ or whatever, but he’s not averse to it?

He doesn’t want physical affection to be a big deal, or at least not in public. unless that’s what you’re into ;) If the two of you are out and about and you kiss his hand, or you’re a generally physically affectionate person he’ll smile and respond and be generally unbothered by it, but don’t expect him to ever really have the desire to like make out in public or something. Really, you probably won’t get much more than a quick kiss because he DOES always have other things on his mind.

You will NOT be able to get out of him messing with you. If you need him to tone it down that’s fine, but the more you let him get away with, the less energy he’ll have to redirect into other troublemaking activities

Has a weird thing with licking too probably? like he’s not gross about it and it’s not like a NSFW fixation but he’ll do that mom thing where he licks his thumb because “you’ve got something on your cheek” and then reveal that he’s a LIAR

or he’ll put his face really close to yours and stick his tongue out when you turn your head so it hits your cheek

it just gets such a DRAMATIC reaction out of you so that’s why he does it? if you ask him genuinely to stop he will but if you comment on it he’ll just give you a small smile and not say anything then continue to do it

when he messes with you, it’s ok if you say he’s doing something weird but don’t make him feel childish. setting boundaries (and making regular observations - he is kinda weird) is more than alright but admonishing him just feels......off and will turn him sour for a bit

VERY appreciative of someone who supports his adventurous side. Also fond of someone who’s happy to tag along but knows that some things he has to do on his own.

Even if you don’t want to go, he’ll appreciate the support or the interest you show in what he does. Ask him where he’s going and what he’s doing there, but ask him because you’re interested and not because you’re overly worried.

Please be there for him when he gets back to talk about it. He really likes feeling important or cool when he tells his tales, even if all he did was go and catch a few magic salamanders or something.

PLEASE be a soundboard for all of his ideas. He knows that sometimes he’ll talk about things that are way over your head that he hasn’t learned yet, but he really does want your undivided attention. It doesn’t matter if you’re encouraging him, debating with him, telling him the idea is stupid (though don’t pull this one too often unless you intend to ask to be let in to the fun) or just watching in confusion. It’s important to him that you value what he has to say, and he hopes one day that he’ll be able to tell you anything and you’ll have a response to it all. (Even if you don’t learn magic to the degree he knows it, he hopes you’ll get to a point where you understand what he wants, even if you don’t know what magical elements he’s talking about or something.)

A relationship with Solomon is one where you’re both independent, but also can’t imagine not going to the other at the end of the day. It’s startling how quickly you become constant in the other’s life despite being in COMPLETELY different stages of magical development and learning about the demon world.

The relationship will be lots of fun, but there will be many serious moments, too. 

They’ll happen randomly. Maybe something from a class or a spell reminds him of something from his past, or maybe he’s reminded that he can’t remember so many things that he knows were important to him.

Sometimes, his Tuesday night blues will feel like a life-changing existential crises for you, but please, do what you can to be there for him in these moments. It worries him how much love and happiness he’s lost, especially when he knows he promised to remember it.

Once you get him to think aloud, he’ll say super heavy stuff life “What if I’ve forgotten who I really am and now I’m just something other people and magic have morphed me into?” or “When will the human race evolve or go extinct and leave me behind?” and it fucks you up, really. It fucks him up too

But please be patient with him, because there’s something important he has to get off his chest eventually. He’s worried already that he’ll forget you the way he’s probably forgotten so many others, but he doesn’t want to offend you and know that saying it would come off as uncaring.

You won’t have an answer for these moments, and he knows it. It’ll be best if you just hold him tight, stroke his hair if you’re laying down, and reassure him that you don’t care.

With how long he’s been alive, you’ll have to get past caring if you’re his “one true love” because he doesn’t have that. He gave up the right to having a one true love in exchange for never-ending life. But he still loves and he does love deeply, it just has a lot to cut through to properly be articulated.

So tell him. Tell him you know he’s had other loves, that you know you might not even be the best partner suited to him that he’s had. Tell him that you know when your time has come, he’ll find someone else eventually.

Tell him that what matters to you is that he loves you now, that he’s making things work with you now, and that he isn’t secretly yearning for some lover that’s come to pass or yet to come when he’s with you.

You can’t control what happened in the past or what happens in the future, but right now he’s yours and you’re his and he needs to learn to take things one lifetime at a time. Right now is YOUR Solomon time, and what happens after is just a consequence of time and you’ve already forgiven him for it.

instead of “mom says it’s my turn on the xbox” it’s “god says it’s MY turn on the Solomon”

send that to him for real and he’ll probably never forget you lol

How to Make a Relationship with Solomon Work

With all this in mind, the key to a good relationship with Solomon is keeping his head on his shoulders.

He’s ambitious, powerful, scary smart, and capable of so much more than you can even guess and he knows it. It’ll be good for him to have somebody to keep him on the ground.

Now, don’t be overbearing. If you try to stop him from going places or try to hinder his pursuit of knowledge out of fear for his safety, that’ll cause unbelievable strain on him. You will have to learn to let him work his things out the way he wants to, and it won’t always be the safest or most responsible way either.

He doesn’t mind a gentle scolding if he gets hurt. He won’t say it, but he kinda likes to be reminded how important he is to you.

Also be down to have fun and be a little reckless. Your safety will always be a priority to him, but nobody ever got anywhere without a little struggle, right? Sometimes adventuring with him and following him into the darkest magical corners of the world will require multiple (sometime literal) leaps of faith, but he’ll always be there to catch you.

Let Solomon work for you and the relationship, and you work to keep him sane and remind him that he can belong somewhere, even when he’s been himself for who knows how long and nowhere ever really stays the same.

You’ll always have to remind Solomon that not everything revolves around magic and power. He’s not been mortal for some time, so he gets caught up in the heady and lofty topics and ideas. 

Remind him about the simple joys of just having fun and goofing off, that not every moment not spent on homework has to be spent on potions. Remind him (in the human world) how cool a sunset is, or convince him to go through a museum and pretend he’s seeing everything for the first time. 

As much as he lives for understanding the grand topics most people can only dream of beginning to grasp, remind him of the little things. Remind him of human indulgences that he’s abandoned. Get him back in touch with that part of himself.

Solomon as a character feels like he’d be really aloof, but he’s honestly extremely devoted to what he invests his time in. He shows this devotion in small ways that feel more like riddles sometimes, in the way he always comes back after a rather dangerous magical excursion, in the way he shortens his time away so he can get back to you, in the way he learns to quiet his mind so he can properly take care of you and what you need and strengthen your relationship.

One thing that I think is a hallmark of a relationship with him is that Solomon loves things that can teach him more about what he doesn’t know. You don’t need to be the smartest person on the planet, or have a specialized and thorough education in some bizarre topic, or come from somewhere entirely different than what he knows to keep his interest.

You are uniquely human, and you help teach him about himself, the one thing that he can never seem to properly grasp and understand the way he wants to.

More importantly, you are you, the one who made pacts with all seven demon lords, the one captured his heart and promised to take care of it when you could throw it away for anybody else.

And you are the only one who could say those words that he believes. Hopefully, you’ll believe him when he says them, too.

[snowboiwinwin]

The Boyz as my University Professors

Disclaimer: Some of my professors are evil bitches; none of the boys are truly evil and I am in no way implying they are or trying to make them look bad! I love the boys and I just thought it would be a fun thing to post :D

-------------------------------

Sangyeon: 

the one professor that absolutely loves the topic of his class

super wholesome and smiley throughout the 90 minutes class time

getting super close to the camera (actually to the mic) because he is worried students won’t hear him well enough

always asking questions and encouraging students to interact

not offended when something isn’t clear and therefore students don’t know the answer

reading EVERY. SINGLE. MESSAGE written in the chat (sometimes students have mic problems or don’t wanna speak)

making everyone feel valid and appreciated

being super calm and relaxed

barely doing breakout-rooms cause he knows no one likes them

ending class always a little earlier cause “I know how stressful your life can get.”

just the cutest prof out there

Jacob: 

another sweet guy

never holds class at its normal timeframe

just uploads all the files students will need (although attendance is supposed to be mandatory)

“you guys are all grown-ups, I trust you to decide yourself when it is the best time for YOU to study.”

constantly uses smileys and is therefore super popular with students

doesn’t teach many classes, cause which good prof does that? ugh

gets right back at students when they email him their concerns

and no, you don’t get half-assed answers

you get a very detailed answer, which is rare in university life

THANKS STUDENTS FOR SENDING HIM THEIR HOMEWORK!!!!

“Dear [name of stundet], thank you very much! 😊”

offers students to call him by his first name

“I’ll call you by your first name too if that’s okay... creates a more comfortable atmosphere!”

the best <3

Younghoon:

he is a savage professor

his look is hella scary and students fear taking his classes

but he is actually the coolest and most laid back dude ever

the first time class is held, he comes in, stone cold expression and literally throws his bag on the desk - everyone is hella scared

then he says, in the scariest voice ever, “We can have fun here in class, no problem, but i AM YOUR PROFESSOR. NOT YOUR FRIEND. Remember that.”

*everyone scared to death*

“Welcome to class everybody! My name is Mr. Kim and I am very looking forward to teach this class in our summer term! Feel free to ask any question that might come up and don’t hesitate to reach out to me whenever!”

no need to be scared, he is a sweetheart

strict and has high expectations, but won’t overdo it with homework or assignments

constantly jokes around but then switches back to being serious

he creates a nice atmosphere where students want to learn something and do it voluntarily 

cares for his students and appreciates their hard work - especially during the pandemic

“I know this is not easy for any of us but I am so amazed by your guys’ work this semester. It was an absolute pleasure teaching you. I hope to see you guys again, but not in this class. Please don’t fail.”

I love him

Hyunjae:

omg, he is an absolute legend

class starts and he is doing his introduction part

the class i about british literature 

“Welcome to this literature class, you are in for a long ride!”

so far so good right?

“Let me just say, British Literature is an ABSOLUTE shit show!”

when I tell you, I almost died hearing that (no offense to anyone, pls don’t take my profs words to heart... he lives for british literature 🥺)

he definitely has his students hooked with this one sentence

“the teacher that taught this class before me... what was he even talking about! I mean, british literature is so much more than what he made it out to be!”

basically starts ranting  

teaches with so much passion

can’t forget the jokes here and there

also uses smileys which students seriously love (at least I do)

wants students to be informal with him as well

“moving on to this next topic... a little disclaimer before we start: I will go batshit crazy with this topic because I LOVE IT. So please tell me to shut up when I exceed the 10 minutes mark. Thank you!”

A savage legend that everyone loves

sadly only teaches a handful of classes as well

Juyeon: 

super laid back and chill

does never check attendance and just trusts his students

usually talks most of the time and doesn’t ask too many questions

is super happy when students contribute though

but he isn’t one to force them

“I know your day has probably been really long, so it’s okay. I’m not taking this personal.”

his class is not based on theory but more on experiences he made

shares funny stories, mistakes he made and what he learnt from them

always gives the smallest and easiest homework ever

“please just share your experiences with these types of situations in our forum”

and he does not want to grade students based on an exam

“I have a better idea. In order to understand a certain topic, I want you to write a portfolio about it. It should be detailed but I won’t give you a number of words. Do what feels right and surprise me! Be creative, nothing will be worth a failing grade as long as you put in some effort.”

does split classrooms

one half is in the main room with him, the others are in breakout rooms, working on a certain topic

super chill and just not as hard as some other classes

but students definitely learn from him!

Kevin:

oh boy, students either gonna hate or love him

he is very kind and nice but he is STRICT

take his class serious and work or you will fail

although he has very high expectations, he will make sure students will be prepared for all the essays, assignments and presentations he throws at at them

no half-assed instructions, you will get the full program (as every student should!)

you have to write an argumentative essay but have no idea how to do that?

Professor Moon (students are allowed to call him Kevin) will explain an argumentativ essay in detail, will show examples and will tell you exactly what to put in it

having trouble finding sources?

Kevin will help you, just let him know!

Also a very empathetic teacher

something happened and you can’t attend class? Absolutely no problem

whenever something serious happens (for us it was a shooting), Kevin will cancel class and spare his students cause their well-being is more important

he doesn’t throw out A’s and B’s easily but when you do get such a grade in one of his classes... dude, you did a really good job

so as I said, he is either your fav or least fav professor... choose your side!

Chanhee:

he is a bitch (not really, but he gives the impression)

at first, he is that nice, bubbly professor

super friendly and kind

and his classes are absolutely okay! no biggie

or so they THOUGHT

his exams and progress tests or whatever ARE HELL

he makes it seem as everything is so easy and not overwhelming at all

BUT nothing is easy and everything is overwhelming

50 pages for a damn progress test two weeks into the semester!

the grading is so strict, you need at least 65% to pass! (maybe I am a baby but 65% is a lot for a passing grade hahaha)

but he confuses students

he is so kind and soft spoken

constantly smiling and in a good mood

but the exams????

are you sure you were the one creating them Mr Choi?

and yes, he is one of those professors that wants to be addressed by his last name (nothing wrong with that)

as I said, he confuses students

they don’t know what to think of him

at the end of the day he isn’t a bad guy

just not the type of professor the students would want in every single class for the rest of their lives

Changmin:

changmin is not your ordinary professor

because he is a big fan of team-teaching

so all his classes are taught by him and his dear colleague Haknyeon!

YAAAAY

I love this duo already

he is the part of the duo that is EXTREMELY motivated

he is is so hyper and so ready for teaching

his classes are always fun but also slightly overwhelming?

juts imagine having too much caffeine in your body

that is changmin being able to teach something he loves

that’s just the passion jumping out of him

he is constantly talking and laughing and throwing jokes left and right

he is having a good time!

super understanding and empathetic

and although everything seems fun and games

you will definitely learn from him!

he has this natural and authentic way of teaching in his body

it comes... naturally and it all makes sense somehow

although the class is packed with inside jokes and changmin teasing haknyeon

haknyeon doesn’t even have time nor the chance to speak

this is changmin’s time to shine!

they love and hate each other

but the students definitely love this iconic duo

Haknyeon:

as I mentioned; haknyeon and changmin are a team

it wasn’t really something haknyeon wanted but... how could you possibly say no to baby changmin? 🥺

so yes, changmin’s cute face got him into this situation

he doesn’t even have to prepare anything for class - his lovely colleague does the talking anyways

he usually lays back and relax

he frowns into the cam cause he tries to intimidate students

but they know he is a soft guy anyways

while changmin is talking, he is chatting to students in the chat

as I mentioned earlier, not everyone wants to unmute themselves and therefore posts in the chat

so he is having chats with students, often not even related to the topic

“Please excuse me, I will be absent for a few minutes - mommy duties” -student

“Don’t worry Miss! I know exactly what you mean... children.” -haknyeon

whenever he tries to get a word in, he has to talk VERY LOUDLY

he literally has to talk over changmin

but changmin doesn’t mind, he just smiles, nods and listens

changmin is super proud whenever haknyeon speaks

and haknyeon thinks that’s very sweet

but that thought passes as soon as changmin makes a joke about him

at the end of the day, they love each other at least to a certain extent and students adore them

Sunwoo:

he is not an ordinary professor either

class time? virtual meetings?

nope, not with sunwoo

again, in the classes the boyz teach, attendance is mandatory 

mandatory? sunwoo has never heard of her

he doesn’t require students to attend meetings and homework is also something he does not expect from them

he uploads powerpoint-presentations with videos and audio of him explaining everything in the presentation

but the boy is clumsy

and he is not good with anything technical

so him dropping his glass and spilling his water all over his lap?

well, students will see this in the video

“... and it’s important to- YAAAAH OH NO....”

*awkward silence*

“I spilled my water... if you haven’t seen.”

*more awkward silence*

“Give me a minute”

*the video continues and sunwoo is nowhere in sight*

after ten minutes of an empty chair, sunwoo returns and continues as if nothing has happened

sometimes his kids walk in and dab in the camera without him noticing

“and then - Hey! I am at WORK.”

he loves it though

and he posts these “fail” videos on purpose

“I want to show you, that it is okay to not be perfect and to not be in control of everything! Stuff like that happens, especially with us being in home-office! And don’t worry, if your mom walks in or whatever, in my classroom no one gets judged! This is life and now that we have to do everything from home, the unexpected is unavoidable!”

Another students’ favorite

Eric:

I would love to imagine him as this savage prof I have in mind... but no <3

he is a sweet guy

also super obsessed with the class he is teaching

he is LIVING for it

usually experiences technical problems right before class starts

“oopsie daisy, sorry guys... might take a few minutes *giggles*”

and no, it’s not a creepy giggle but a really cute one, I swear!

constantly has a pen in his hand and clicks it absentmindedly while teaching

students constantly hear the clicking sound... or when the pen falls to the ground.... which happens every five minutes

he constantly forgets to mute himself whenever he wants students to work by themselves and all they hear is him chugging down his water or whatever drink he has prepared

also sends out super sweet emails

but due to him being a young dude, he wants students to call him by his last name

he also calls students by their last name but he does use smileys to lighten the professional mood that comes with honorifics

overall a very motivated but extremely kind-hearted dude

[dahlia-coccinea]

Wuthering Heights - Chapter 4

It seems strange that Nelly would tell Lockwood that Heathcliff does not live at the Grange because he is cheap. I think it would be obvious to her that he lives at the Heights because of the connection he has to it. Not that he isn’t also cheap, but I don’t think it is believable that is his main motivation. Perhaps what she says is just born out of bitterness because she wishes Cathy could be at Thrushcross with her? Her alliance is made clear moments later when she tells Lockwood that, “Hareton is the last of them (the Earnshaws), as our Miss Cathy is of us—I mean, of the Lintons.” 

Heathcliff being brought home by Mr. Earnshaw seems a little less strange when you consider how similar Nelly’s situation is. She may work at the house but she is also allowed to eat and play with Hindley and Catherine and Mr. Earnshaw promises to bring her back apples and pears along with the gifts for his children. I think Heathcliff has some aspects that allow for him to become more doted on than Nelly, such as, having no family fulfilling that role, and possibly because he is a boy and Hindley seems to already be somewhat of a disappointment to Mr. Earnshaw. Also in a strongly class-conscious society, it is apparent that by birth Nelly is beneath the Earnshaws. Even though one could easily be similarly prejudiced against Heathcliff’s utter lack of established social status, and his ethnic background (and many are) - it seems Mr. Earnshaw’s pity on the extreme state that he finds the “starving” and “houseless” child outweigh any possible apprehension and cause him to act with compassion. 

In the last chapter discussion, I mentioned that Catherine does show genuine affection for her father, besides just nostalgia, and I think that Nelly says, “often did little Cathy ask when he (Mr. Earnshaw) would be home” and that “the children got tired of running down to the gate to look” is a good example. Even it is partially because they’re waiting on the gifts he has promised them, it is a pretty typical father/child bond. 

This chapter gives us the most clues as to Heathcliff’s origins. Some points that I’ve mentioned before, that he has little enough experiences with English Nelly says he only “repeated over and over again some gibberish that nobody could understand.” But also a large detractor that the idea that everyone really knows that he’s Hindley’s and Catherine’s half-brother - Nelly does say she knows his whole story, “except where he was born, and who were his parents.”

I’ve always thought Catherine’s initial response to Heathcliff is kind of funny. Nelly says:

“Cathy, when she learned the master had lost her whip in attending on the stranger, showed her humour by grinning and spitting at the stupid little thing; earning for her pains a sound blow from her father, to teach her cleaner manners. They entirely refused to have it in bed with them, or even in their room; and I had no more sense, so I put it on the landing of the stairs, hoping it might be gone on the morrow.”

By the time Nelly returns:

“Miss Cathy and he were now very thick; but Hindley hated him: and to say the truth I did the same; and we plagued and went on with him shamefully: for I wasn’t reasonable enough to feel my injustice, and the mistress never put in a word on his behalf when she saw him wronged.”

In the first few years after Heathcliff's arrival, Nelly does admit to persecuting him along with Hindley. It’s details like this that make me question Nelly's later complaints about the way Catherine treats her or that she pinches her during Edgar’s visit years later. Yes, at that point Nelly is clearly in the role of a servant and below Catherine, but it can't be ignored that while she is 14 and Catherine and Heathcliff are 6/7 years old and she admits she mistreats at least Heathcliff, and sides with Hindley who regularly beats him. Not that it makes Catherine’s behavior right, but as I have mentioned before, she grows up in a house where corporal punishment is the norm and most people around her do antagonize and abuse her and Heathcliff. I think considering that she is really quite tame and she isn’t actually malicious where she easily could be.

We learn in Chapter 4, many of the dynamics that I think play into how Nelly and Heathcliff interact in the years to come, Hindley and his motivations, and also how Heathcliff develops from a child into the man we later know. Nelly (not for the last time) paints this image of Heathcliff as almost a curse saying that “from the very beginning, he bred bad feeling in the house.” His mere presence seems to destroy the natural bond between father and son: “the young master (Hindley) had learned to regard his father as an oppressor rather than a friend, and Heathcliff as a usurper of his parent’s affections and his privileges; and he grew bitter with brooding over these injuries.” 

In the most human descriptions that she gives him, where he is not depicted as foreign and strange, or a curse of some kind, she still doesn’t say anything truly kind about him. When the family catches the measles and Nelly cares for the children, Heathcliff, the illest of the three, Nelly says:

“...he would have me constantly by his pillow: I suppose he felt I did a good deal for him, and he hadn’t wit to guess that I was compelled to do it. However, I will say this, he was the quietest child that ever nurse watched over. The difference between him and the others forced me to be less partial. Cathy and her brother harassed me terribly: he was as uncomplaining as a lamb; though hardness, not gentleness, made him give little trouble.”

It’s such a complicated clash of traits we hear about Heathcliff. He is just a child, nothing supernatural about him, and illness and suffering cause a simple human desire for someone to care for him. She says he is a “sullen, patient child; hardened, perhaps, to ill-treatment.” He “said precious little, and generally the truth,” which should be a good quality, though Nelly tempers this by saying:

“I wondered often what my master saw to admire so much in the sullen boy; who never, to my recollection, repaid his indulgence by any sign of gratitude. He was not insolent to his benefactor, he was simply insensible; though knowing perfectly the hold he had on his heart, and conscious he had only to speak and all the house would be obliged to bend to his wishes.”

Then we have the story of Hindley’s and Heathcliff’s fight over the horses that Mr. Earnshaw bought at the parish fair. It seems to foreshadow much of his plotting for revenge, his ability to suffer greatly to achieve a goal, and his unwavering focus on that which he desires. 

We see the extent of Hindley’s early hatred of Heathcliff. In the exchange, he calls him a “dog,” a “Gipsy,” a “beggarly interloper,” and finally “imp of Satan.” We hear from Heathcliff that he’s beaten him three times that week, which has left his arm is bruised to the shoulder, that he threatens to throw Heathcliff out upon Mr. Earnshaw’s death, and during the scene throws an iron weight directly at Heathcliff (who must be only 10 or so), as well as push him under a horse with the hope of it trampling him to death. 

After Hindley storms off Nelly says: 

“I persuaded him (Heathcliff) easily to let me lay the blame of his bruises on the horse: he minded little what tale was told since he had what he wanted. He complained so seldom, indeed, of such stirs as these, that I really thought him not vindictive: I was deceived completely, as you will hear.”

A great example of the complexity of his character and such a foreboding end to this chapter!

@astrangechoiceoffavourites

[robynwhaleyy]

Privilege in Nature

I always knew I was privileged growing up but I didn’t know in exactly in what way or the extent it benefited my everyday life. My working definition of privilege is the unearned rights, advantages or immunities granted to an individual. In the article ‘Helping teachers unpack their "invisible knapsacks"’ by Nancy P. Gullavan, describes that the construct of privilege is also defined by the beliefs and practices that are taken for granted by everyone throughout society.  This statement really opened my eyes regarding how oblivious I was to the privileges I had throughout my childhood, and still to this day. Opening up my ‘invisible knapsack’ I was able to unpack the various privileges I have:

Born and raised in a free country (Canada)

Free healthcare

No restrictions on my lifestyle because I am a woman, unlike some third world countries

Always had access to natural spaces

No severe pollution, allowing me to have access to clean air and water

I am white with white parents, and I speak English (as my first language)

I am physically healthy, providing me with no transportation boundaries

I have always owned a vehicle (as well as my parents growing up) allowing me to travel to areas that would be otherwise inaccessible

I could afford my university schooling without the help of third-party loans

Middle-class: I never had to worry about money growing up especially food or bills

I had never really thought about privilege in terms of nature until this class and this unit. As I dug deeper into my knapsack I realized that nature is a significant privilege that many have to live without. In an effort to understand this more I came across a blog regarding this topic. On Trailspace Blogs, Alicia MacLeay, discussed how the outdoors and nature for some people is an escape and a hobby, but for others it is a refuge. This mindset is explained to be ignorant and naïve to what others experience all over the world. Even to access trails there are systemic, racial, and socioeconomic barriers that prevent people from accessing the plentiful benefits nature has to offer. Many barriers exists even if the place is public, there are accessibility, proximity, financial and transportation barriers in every location. One statement that really stuck with me in this blog is that “the physical and mental benefits of nature are well known, diversity is critical to healthy ecosystems and communities, and being outside safely shouldn't be a privilege” (MacLeay, 2020). To read more of this blog click here.

From this recognition I was able to understand that privilege plays a huge role in nature interpretation. Throughout my childhood I was always privileged with access to natural areas and the ability to explore them through various activities such as canoeing, camping and hiking. But what I failed to realize is the privilege of nature interpretation that I received from the high school I attended. My school had and still has a very strong relationship with the local Conservation Authority. This relationship provided knowledge through festivals, connections and personal involvement that was not offered to any other schools. My school also offered environmental high-skills majors that allowed students to graduate with a red-seal diploma with various certificates and courses related to the environment. And all these opportunities were offered to students for free. My school also offered an environmental leadership program, that I was enrolled in, that offered senior level Interdisciplinary Studies, Physical Education (Outdoor Education) and Co-Operative Education. This program was unlike any other, providing more important certificates such as chainsaw operator certificate and very importantly the ORCKA ( Ontario Recreational Canoeing and Kayaking Association) certificate. The ELP takes many trips to Algonquin and Haliburton throughout this semester. The very first thing we learned about was the Timiskaming Tragedy. After this tragedy the ELP required a swim test and extensive canoe training before the first trip to Algonquin. This course was a high privilege to me as it not only provided me with essential certificates for my future career in environmental conservation, connection to jobs within this field but also essential life saving skills that I would have never got without ELP within my high school.

Trip to Haliburton Forest 

Robyn

[autisticchicc]

Unstructured Autism Rant

A/N: For COVID reasons, mask is purely metaphorical in this piece, not an actual face mask, the work scenario was something that happened pre-COVID.

Trigger Warnings: In-depth descriptions of autism-related struggles and meltdowns.

Disclaimer: This is my personal experience with autism, that is not to say that this is the experience of every person with ASD.

“Have I solved your issue today?” I ask the customer on the other end of the phone. I have; I don’t know why I’m asking this. The customer confirms I have, and I wish them goodbye, a good day, and thank you for calling the business. I don’t care if they have a good day, and I why on earth would I thank them for calling us? The entire interaction went on for far too long for my liking thanks to small talk and the customer pushing pointless information about themselves onto me. He told me he was sketching by the riverside, but why do I need to know about that? How do I respond to a piece of information that does nothing to or for me? Upon hanging up, I breathe a sigh of relief. The mask slips off my face slightly as I rub my temples.  

The relief is short-lived, as one of my co-workers comes over to my desk to talk about something. I take a deep breath and pull the mask back on properly before forcing myself to engage enthusiastically in this conversation. I don’t know this co-worker that well, I know nothing about how she talks, her personality, or her humour, only that I have a huge margin for error in this conversation. I concentrate intensely, trying desperately to make sense of her rapidly changing facial expressions and knowing when it’s my turn to talk. After interjecting at the wrong time on several occasions, I give up and just respond meekly when there’s an obvious gap. I feel embarrassed and awkward, and when she walks away, I kick myself. Why is it so hard to have a simple conversation? I’ve yet to make any friends at this job, and I don’t think I ever will at this rate.

I swivel back to face my two screens and lament the lack of a blue light filter on this software. My eyes ache, and the dog (yeah, don’t ask) on the upper level of the open plan office keeps barking. The occasional trilling of a phone irritates me more than usual as the late afternoon sun glares through the floor to ceiling windows at my photosensitive eyes. I can’t close the blinds because my co-workers love the sun, but I’m rapidly approaching a meltdown thanks to overstimulation, exhaustion, and following vague instructions all day. It feels as though every piece of sensory stimuli is stabbing at my eyes and ears. At the end of my shift I clock out and leave without saying goodbye to anyone. I don’t know them well enough to feel comfortable going out of my way to say anything in the first place.

Upon exiting the building, I cover my ears with my big headphones, the relief that washes over me is immense. All those invasive sounds are gone now, and I can listen to whatever I want. I still feel on edge, still teetering close to a meltdown, so I choose not to worsen it by listening to something that would fuel my anger. Sometimes it’s necessary, sometimes I desperately need to hear the pained screams of Pete Steele, the aggressive guitars and lyrics of Body Count. But today, I need something that isn’t going to give me the encouragement to punch the first person that triggers my rage.

For me, music is transformative and transportive. When I listen to particular songs with noise-cancelling headphones, it’s allows me to go somewhere in my imagination while my body moves to my real destination on autopilot. I decide on an uplifting song by The Knocks and Big Boi, Big Bills. It’s a song that makes me feel like a character in a movie that has just moved to a new city and is pursuing an exciting new life. To an extent that’s sort of true for me, minus the excitement and plot armour. Either way, it’s an uplifting song for me. So much so in fact, that I listen to it on repeat all the way home. If something interrupts the song, like an announcement on the tube or having to pause it, I have to restart it or it’s not the same.

When I eventually arrive home, the transformation happens. The moment my bedroom door closes, and I turn my headphones off, it begins. The outcome of this transformation can be vastly different depending on how my day went. It might be that it was a successful day socially, so I leave my phone out of sight and silently bury myself in a hobby for hours in order to recharge. It might be that the mask comes off and I begin to scream and sob, breaking anything I can to stop myself from self-injuring, burying the heels of my hands into my eyes to block any light. The transformation varies, but it is always the result of the same thing: suppressing who I am.

Much of being autistic and being forced to operate in a society catered to neurotypical people, for me, is suppressing my natural instincts and behaviour. Even when I have a positive day socially, it’s often contingent on how well I assimilated with other neurotypical people in that particular interaction. This is frustrating because not only am I exhausted because hardly anyone accommodates for me, I am also measuring the success of my day on other peoples’ standards. Many of my interpersonal relationships also operated that way until fairly recently, I was forced to behave and communicate the way that other people expected me to rather than what felt natural to me. There is only so many places and so much time I can maintain this act for, and so I was forced to simply cut those friendships off. I am no longer willing to negotiate my needs with people that clearly don’t like me enough to respect my disorder.

The friends I keep are mindful, lovers of the eccentric, embracing that which is different and persecuted for it. Often times I find that the people closest to me also have parts of their identity that mean they must also wear a mask of sorts when moving through society, be it racist society, patriarchal society, or queerphobic society. Our arms interlink on the fringes of an abstract hierarchy, turning away from the status quo and pursuing a life in truth and diversity. One day I’d love for everyone to be able to live authentically, for discrimination, isms and phobias to fade away into the past. I don’t see it happening in my lifetime, or perhaps ever, but I hope it does eventually.

In an ideal world, I would only interact with those aforementioned friends and no one else, but as we’ve established, that is not the world we live in. The reality is, I almost never get to interact with people who accommodate for me. I deal with people touching me without permission which makes my skin crawl, forcing me to take my headphones off when I’m fending off a meltdown, managers who don’t give me the specific step-by-step instructions I need, classmates who don’t understand that I don’t talk because I’m too shy, not because I’m unfriendly, lecturers that forget I can’t operate well in group work and can’t be in classrooms with harsh, fluorescent lights… The list is endless. Even going to the shop is a struggle, because the employees have no way to know. Although Tesco’s have been considerate and ‘progressive’* enough to introduce sunflower lanyards (https://www.tesco.com/help/invisibledisability/), most stores have absolutely no assistance in place for customers with hidden disabilities. I just have to hope that they don’t speak to me and that I don’t end up getting overwhelmed and having to ask anyone for help.

In a lot of ways, this pandemic has meant that I can avoid quite a lot of the scenarios that would usually cause me stress. I no longer work (admittedly, this causes more stress than it relieves), I don’t have to attend class in person, there is little to no in-person socialising, family events are cancelled, seasonal holidays are cancelled, queuing and crowding is no longer allowed (without distancing), etc. That has all been excellent and a relief. But on the flip side, it has given rise to a whole host of new problems. I hate being on camera or speaking in online lessons, there is no way for me to remind the teacher subtly I can’t do group work, masks trigger heat-related meltdowns for me, the financial instability of being unemployed has been a huge stressor, and the lack of government support is utterly enraging. 

Overall, it’s been a huge adjustment. The job that I talked about my experience with at the beginning of this rant is long gone now, so many things have changed. I have never dealt well with change, but this year has forced me to. In some ways I suppose you could say this is a positive development, exposure therapy is best at times. I just wish it had been more on my terms and not at the hands of a viral pandemic. 

[polaristranslations]

The Eleventh Box

   ■   ■

There's a quote that goes, "There is a mysterious victory in winning, but there is no mysterious defeat in losing"—but if I'd heard that quote at the time, I would've considered my overwhelming defeat against Chinu Namaji in the basketball-themed Formation Game so mysterious that it couldn't be helped.

I, at the time.

I say it like that because now, I've realized that the reason I lost was neither mysterious nor wondrous, but perfectly reasonable—so, the reason I feel bitter when I recall that defeat is not because I lost, but because I failed to properly accept that loss.

You get it, right?

Not understanding why you've lost—in other words, it's the same as not recognizing that you've lost at all. You may think your loss is mysterious, and you may be thinking about the cause of your loss, but in the end, the essence of it is just a physiological reaction of not wanting to admit defeat.

However.

Now that I've largely recognized the immaturity of my past self, and of course now that I've recognized my defeat against Chinu Namaji, if there was one thing I still wanted to insist upon—it would be that it was precisely the aim of my senior, my predecessor, Chinu Namaji, to make me experience such things, so it was not just a matter of simply reflecting on this point.

Hm?

You don't get it?

Basically, what I mean is that Chinu-senpai's aim was to make me lose—that's obvious, you say? It's natural to try and win when it comes to a competition, you say? Well, Torai Kudaki, that might be natural to a person like you—but for Chinu Namaji, this had occurred right after she'd faced off against someone that it hadn't been natural for. As a result, her value system had shifted subtly—shifted, or perhaps, wavered.

Anyway.

Chinu-senpai's aim was to make me lose, or more specifically, to make me lose and then make me feel like I couldn't accept that loss—it wouldn't be until a little later that I'd realize that. Immature as I was at the time, there was no way I'd be able to read that much into a person's mind—or rather, I'd simply thought that when two people face off against each other, it always meant a confrontation, a duel. In that sense, I wasn't much different from you right now—I'd thought it was a matter of course that to fight meant to win.

Shamefully—and yet, shamelessly, as well.

That was who I was.

It sort of meant that I'd been outwitted by Chinu-senpai's roundabout way of doing things—well, talking about my defeats isn't something I'm very comfortable with, but then again, it does happen to be the theme of the very matter I'm telling you about.

My defeat.

I was telling you about my minus, wasn't I—but anyway, I'm sure you'll be bored if I lengthily explained how the Formation Game progressed, so I'll make it short and sweet.

Thinking about it now, though, it's a game with a lot of depth to it.

Thinking about it now—or rather, if I played it again now—I feel as if I would approach it differently. They say a great player does not always make a great coach, but it's extremely interesting to be able to participate in the game from a position that wasn't the player's.

Well, I don't think it's a good idea to assume causation between anything and everything—but as the Student Council President, the fact that I had experienced this game in my first year of middle school could be the reason why I was very careful in selecting the other members of the Student Council. Well, putting aside whether or not I was careful, it could be the reason why I'd taken so much time.

That carefulness ended up being taken advantage of by Kumagawa Misogi, though, so the world is a rather complicated place—and I have to say it's even a little bit mysterious.

   ■   ■

To keep it short.

You could say my selection of the five members was reasonable—they were all students that seemed to be good at sports. Of course, I was just a first-year that had barely entered school—it wasn't as if I had any information regarding the students' grades in physical education, or if they were regulars in clubs, or anything like that.

It's not like I was Shiranui Hansode.

In that sense, Chinu-senpai, who'd been here at Hakobune Middle School a year longer than I had, certainly had the advantage at this game. Although, since the rules forbid selection of former girls' basketball team members, the advantage might not have been as great as it seemed.

After all, while it was hard to know how good or bad one's grades were unless you asked to see their report card, when it came to physical education, you could, to a certain extent, tell if they were good or bad by looking at their body.

You could more or less tell what their muscles were like, even with clothes on—and in the sport of basketball, one's height was also an important factor.

So, when I looked for students that remained at school, even if I didn't know their name, class, year, or blood type—while I wouldn't say I knew at a single glance, I had a certain method for choosing who I called out to.

And if I called out to them and they ended up stating that they weren't good at sports, then it was a simple matter of withdrawing—there's a saying that goes, "Even the poorest shot will hit the target if he shoots often enough," and while it's not a saying I like because of its lack of ambition, that sort of trial-and-error was necessary when it came to scouting.

There was no rule that said that you must add someone to your team once you've made contact with them—and so, I flew out of the gymnasium and began running around the campus of Hakobune Middle School.

If we were allowed to add boys to our teams, then I would have gone and brought in Zenkichi to my team, but that was properly prohibited by the rules. It was possible that Chinu-senpai restricted the players to girls only specifically to prevent me from making contact with Zenkichi for this game—perhaps I was reading too much into things, but as far as I could tell, that's what Chinu-senpai was like.

Looking two, three steps ahead—or looking far, far ahead—and then taking measures in advance. She seemed to live a life that was like first-out rock-paper-scissors, or maybe more like a flying start.

Of course, this didn't even need to be said, but—no matter the sport, a flying start was against regulations, so if you kept doing it, you would eventually suffer the painful repercussions.

Anyway, as I ran through the school building, I didn't make any contact with Zenkichi anyway—rather, it was possible that guy had already gone back home. In middle school, Zenkichi didn't participate in any clubs and instead was a part of the going-home club—so that was probably the case.

In Hakobune Middle School, there were no classes that had special exemptions from attendance like Class 13 in Hakoniwa Academy, so I was enrolled in a normal class. As such, I did have female friends and acquaintances, and I did catch sight of a few of them as I ran around the school. However, they were freshmen like me, so even if it were easy to invite them, and even if they would probably participate in the game if I asked them—even if I were to gather members with the same stance, I didn't feel comfortable getting them wrapped up my confrontation with our upperclassman, Chinu-senpai.

Aside from Zenkichi.

And so, I ran around the school, looking for members—If you only listened to what I said about my classmates, it may sound like I was scouting while trying not to inconvenience people. But I'd been going around calling out to sophomores ready to leave for home and seniors who were still in the middle of club activities, so there was no way I was trying not to inconvenience people with that.

When it came to a competition, I faced it head-on—or rather, I stopped being able to look at anything else, which was clearly a characteristic of mine. Looking at it that way, it surprisingly felt like I haven't grown since my first year of middle school. Inexperienced as I still am, I guess I'm still too young to be mature. I couldn't even begin to cover for myself—but anyway, I went to the grounds and went out of my way to call out to seniors in the middle of their club activities.

I pulled out top-level members from various clubs, and managed to put together a group of five.

Of course, it wasn't by ordinary means—if you were called out to by some freshman you didn't know while you were busy, and they wanted to drag you into some inexplicable game without any clear objective, it wouldn't just be suspicious. It would be natural to be on your guard—no, even if you took out being on your guard, it would be natural to find it troublesome or bothersome or something like that.

Not everyone was like me, after all. Not everyone was as simple as I was, with my skin crawling at the mere sound of a competition or confrontation or duel—rather than skin crawling, it was more like losing my cool, though.

They may say that a competitive nature is the fate of all people, but that still had its limits—but wait, was I reflecting on myself too much there? The fact of the matter is that, whatever it was, it surely had to be because I was young at the time. I was running around the school like a dog chasing whatever moved—so if I made a mistake here, it would be that, with my own human nature being unchangeable, I assumed that Chinu-senpai was approaching this game in the same way.

That she loved competing.

That she loved battling.

And, more than anything, that she loved to win—since she wanted to have a match against me, I insistently, or selfishly, got the wrong impression and made a huge mistake that could not be taken back.

Of course, I can only say this now after all this time.

Thinking about it, having an objective when going into a competition was the natural course of things, so my attitude of fighting without any purpose was quite dangerous. In that sense, Chinu-senpai was "right"... It's hard to know what's right or not until you get the chance to look back.

Now then—allow me to omit the wily ways in which I managed to coax those top-level seniors from their clubs into joining my team. That's in order to keep this story from getting too long, but also because I don't want to expose you to my rashness, which was extremely strong at the time. Just think of it as vanity—all you need to understand is that it wasn't a very praiseworthy approach.

The fact that I was defeated on top of that made it all the more uncool—anyway, I led the five aces of the athletic clubs back to the gymnasium. As for what club each of them were in... Hm? Those are the minor details I should be omitting? Well, I suppose. In any case, I selected tall people who seemed rather athletic—and, though it hadn't been my intention, the result was that they were all third-year students.

Well, the deciding factor as to why they accepted my invitation was more due to their knowledge of the strange connection between the Servant of Destruction and me, rather than because they were overcome by any forceful solicitation of mine.

Even though I was just a first-year that had just entered the school, the Servant of Destruction had made a name for himself—or so they said.

When I returned to the gymnasium with my team of distinguished members, I was met by Chinu Namaji and the members that she had lined up. Since I didn't think I'd spent that much time, I was shocked to find that my opponent had returned to the gymnasium before me—even though the order had no effect on the outcome of the Formation Game, it felt like she'd gotten a step ahead of me, like she'd already scored the first point. But after that, I was shocked once again by the members she'd chosen.

Like this, you may already be able to guess—yes, that was exactly it. Chinu-senpai's line-up of members was—made up entirely of first-years that had just entered the school, like me.

   ■   ■

Chinu-senpai, was, well, an upperclassman from us first-years' point of view—so naturally, if she just waved around her upperclassman aura, it wouldn't be too hard to scout some first-years. In that sense, it was easy to understand how she was able to gather five people in such a short amount of time.

However, to repeat myself, this was not a competition to see who could gather members faster—nevertheless, it seemed as if Chinu-senpai prioritized only the speed in which she gathered members.

Basically, this was another reason why I'd been outdone by Chinu-senpai. Candidates for the formation of a team will usually be those who excel in athletic ability, and those who excel in athletic ability often have that self-awareness—they often wouldn't sell their abilities too cheaply. Kind of like how pride prevents professionals from playing in amateur games—so, for this game (which looks like just playing around from an outsider's point of view), it's not very easy to invite the best of the best.

And so, Chinu-senpai slipped past that difficulty by choosing first-years who weren't as developed physically—well, in general it's hard to call that "slipping past".

Of course, even though there is natural order between young and old, it didn't necessarily mean that the third-years were physically superior to the first-years—you could consider me an exception, but in general, the growth rate of humans was certainly diverse.

Still, it was a bit of a bizarre plan to have all first-years on her team—and I wasn't so callous to see that and think, "Okay, I've got the upper hand. I've as good as won this Formation Game."

What I did worry about was the possibility that the third-years might get offended and leave—if that was her goal of the all-first-year team, which looked like it was making light of the game... I realized that could certainly have been one strategy.

"Right. Then, shall we begin, Kurokami-chan—"

Chinu-senpai said.

With an expression of feigned ignorance—a nonchalant face.

Her demeanor didn't reveal her true intentions at all—it was impossible to gauge. However, it wouldn't have been quite right to raise any complaints there. If I had asked her to please go and choose new members, then (disregarding Chinu-senpai herself) it would certainly be rude to the members who had been chosen. In any case, even my classmates were among the five girls—it felt like Chinu-senpai had picked the route I'd avoided and gone down it as quickly as possible.

I wondered if it was a strategy of not taking the game seriously and deliberately creating a reason to lose in order to save face when she lost—if so, I thought it was a waste of time.

And to avoid wasting any more time, I'll just get on with it like Chinu-senpai said—that was what I thought. And without complaining, and without even asking for the reason behind her team formation...

"Yes, let's begin,"

I agreed.

Of course, Chinu-senpai's intentions were not that in the slightest—however, it must have been perfectly within her intentions when I didn't complain or question her despite my doubts.

A tremendous level of playmaking.

No.

I should call it, captaincy.

   ■   ■

16 to 22.

As for what these numbers meant—they were the results of the basketball game between my all-star team and Chinu-senpai's freshman team.

Since I've already told you that the game ended in my loss, it should be obvious whose score was 16 and whose score was 22—basically, with a six-point difference, the all-star team lost to the freshman team.

There was nothing strange over the course of the game.

At the very least, if you looked at each person's play individually, there was nothing strange—the way the first-years played was rather faltering, while the third-years played adroitly.

Nevertheless.

The winners were the first-years—and the losers were the third-years.

Even the losing all-star team was less rueful about their loss and more amazed at how the score had ended up like that—in other words, they felt the same as I did.

There is a mysterious victory in winning, but there is no mysterious defeat in losing—putting aside the first-years being mystified by their victory, why were the third-years and I being mystified by our loss...?

Before I could sort out my feelings, Chinu-senpai spoke.

As if trying to land the finishing blow.

"Kurokami-chan."

I wouldn't go as far as describing it as beating a dead horse, but her way of speaking was akin to beating a defeated horse.

"Then, since it's my win—shall I have you listen to one of my requests?"

"Eh?"

Eh?

That wasn't really the response I should've been making.

But after being told that, for the very first time, I had come to realize that I'd never once imagined my own loss before.

"No need to worry. I plan on properly explaining the reason you lost—if you want, I'll even explain the reason I resigned from the position of Treasurer in the Student Council Executive Committee, and the reason the girls' basketball team ended up in this state, too."

"N—no. I did lose, so I don't need to hear those reasons..."

To be honest, I didn't—I couldn't think that I had completely lost, but since it was clear that I'd lost at least formally and superficially, I said as such. But Chinu-senpai wouldn't listen.

"I'll have you listen, even if you don't want to hear it. Because, after hearing those reasons—you'll use that same method."

Chinu-senpai said.

Chinu Namaji said—that was her objective.

"In order to take Kumagawa Misogi down."

[sparrowwritings]

Final Fantasy Writing Challenge Day Twenty-Four: Clocks

Day Twenty-Three -- Masterpost -- Day Twenty-Five

Two members of the Convocation of Fourteen sat at the same bench located outside of the governing hall. Each had similar strained expressions as they looked over the identical gaudy invitations in their hands. They also both had the fronts of their robes, their gloves, and their red masks caked in a tiny, shimmering substance.

"How much effort do you think Hythlodaeus put into making these?" Artemis-as-Azem asked. Since the other members of the Convocation had taken their leave, her act of pretending to be her twin had been relaxed for the moment. Insofar as looking actively annoyed was her way of doing so.

"Knowing him, the maximum amount to make this awful thing look the worst. If only to further embarrass us when we received it." Emet-Selch drawled. He shook the card and more shining fragments of that substance Hythlodaeus had created fell to the ground. He had been “inspired” by the incident that destroyed the Hall of Glass. Not too long later a concept known as "glitter" had been created. And used for occasional pranks by the Chief of the Bureau of the Architect against his friends. Much to their dismay, he had released the concept to the public, and so everyone in the Convocation already knew what glitter was when Azem and Emet-Selch had opened their cards and the substance had exploded all over them.

"Remind me again why we should bother replying?" She asked while looking over the deliberately juvenile handwriting. It was an invitation to join Hythlodaeus in attending a lecture headed by the leading expert in Time manipulation. That he had sent in lieu of asking in person because the answer would have been a firm no from both Artemis and Hades. 

One would think that a glitter-bomb laden card would have confirmed the disinterest of both parties. That person would also assume that Azem and Emet-Selch were reasonable people with even more reasonable friends. They would be wrong.

"That he put so much effort into this means he's required to attend and desperate enough for company that he ensured we would at least address the card." Hades sighed and ran a hand down his mask. Some of the glitter dislodged itself and fluttered in the air around him. "At the very least we need to see him in person for the technique to get rid of this damnable stuff."

"And give him time to beg us to go." Artemis dusted at a sleeve in a vain attempt to dislodge more sparkles. "I never attended any classes involving time. Is Kronos really that dreadful?"

"From what I've heard, he's an unpleasant individual and delights in his unpleasantness."

"So there are two of you in the city."

Hades sniffed. "My unpleasantness is limited to the few people I bother to be around. His is a public spectacle."

She put a hand to her chest dramatically. "I'm touched you would grace us with the true extent of your personality."

"Your sarcasm is much appreciated." A quiet silence fell over the two of them. Eventually, he was the one that spoke again. "So you're going?"

"Ugh," Artemis slouched in her seat. "I'm going to have to. With Hythlodaeus miserable and Apollo trying to keep up his spirits, someone else has to be there to make sure he doesn’t take negative criticism so personally. I’ve heard that Kronos lectures are entertaining, at least.”

"You're attending the Time manipulation lecture?"

Both of the seated folk froze, only relaxing when they realized who the speaker was. Elidibus gave a kind smile, as if the two were speaking of normal things and hadn't accidentally revealed the secret of Azem. Besides, he already knew it. 

Artemis recovered quickly enough to answer first. "Yes, actually."

"I suppose I might pop in…" Emet-Selch said lightly. "I've yet to see the latest developments in that field."

"May I join you and your friends, then?" Elidibus had his hands behind him, looking all the more like his actual age. "I've been curious about Kronos' lectures but I haven't had the opportunity to attend yet."

The two older Convocation members (well, one and one imposter member) gave each other a look. As one they shrugged. "Why not?" They answered simultaneously.

------

"So now that I've had to waste half my lecture on going over the basics, shall we proceed to the heart of why I'm standing here?" The body language and voice of Kronos didn't even try to disguise how utterly displeased he was with how things were proceeding. From the way that Hythlodaeus was sunk into his chair and covering his mask with his hands this was an expected, if undesired, result. Artemis could see why he needed the company. Being alone and dying of secondhand embarrassment in front of a hall full of promising students was far lessened when there were more people he knew that could share in it. 

At least Elidibus still seemed interested in the topic, seated as he was to her right. Hythlodaeus was in the seat to her left, a veritable puddle of forlorn mumbling. Apollo patted their friend on the head from his spot on the Chief's other side. Emet-Selch had taken the seat to the Emissary's right, more than glad to not need to directly hear the quiet pleading for the torture to end. That was his excuse, anyway. Artemis suspected that he wanted to be certain that the young man wouldn't be bothered by any other attendee during the lecture.

Hades could be soft hearted like that, when he thought no one was paying attention. 

Back onstage, Kronos received the answers (or lack thereof) that he must have been searching for, because he quickly snapped his fingers. A display consisting of a large line, followed by several generic people shapes and a timepiece appeared above him. He didn't bother looking before he spoke. “Now, seeing as most beings experience time in a linear fashion, and we’re now all aware of how it moves forward and splits,” A wave of his hand took the singular line and split one end into multiple ones. The people shapes floated until one sat at the end of each line and changed color according to which line they went to. One shape, white in color, stayed on the still-connected part of the line. “The obvious next question becomes: Is it possible to move backwards through time to change an outcome? I say yes.” 

Artemis blinked, then leaned forward to see how he came to this conclusion. From the corner of her eye, she could see Apollo stopping his comforting gestures to curiously look towards the stage. Hythlodaeus had even perked up enough to be sitting properly in his chair. 

“After all, time is a progression. One step begets another begets another. What many forget is that negative progression can also occur.” Kronos gestured to the audience. “Have any of you had to be diverted from the path you were taking because of construction? Don’t bother answering, of course you have. What happens when you must trace back your steps is negative progression. Your goal is just as far as it was when you had gotten started. The energy you had saved up to go forward is spent doubling back.” He gestured at the diagram. “Similarly, if you can figure out the energy it costs to move forward in time, all one needs is double that to go backwards. Multiply exponentially by the amount of time you need to travel and you will find yourself when you need to be.” Their seats were close enough that Artemis could see the proud smirk on his face. “Simple, really.”

“But can you actually change anything?” A voice called out from the audience. “All you’re proposing is the means to move backwards! Wouldn’t the changes you make affect your reasoning for going into the past in the first place?” Kronos glared in the direction it came from. 

“I’m getting to that.” He snapped. Quite literally, as he snapped his fingers and the figures moved around again. The red colored one moved slowly from its split in the timeline back to where the white colored one was stationed. The timepiece turned backwards to reflect this. “Now as the fool suggested there lies the possibility that, should you obtain enough energy to move backwards in time, you can cause the future you were trying to prevent in the first place. Thus, your self in this future must needs travel to when you arrived and cause the events that lead to you traveling, ad infinitum. This is what’s known as a Closed Time Loop, and many have theorized that it is the only possible outcome for attempting to change the past.” The red figure, having made its way to the combined timeline, moved in the direction of its split, only to move backwards again. Again, the timepiece moved backwards or forwards depending on how the red figure was moving.

“There is some…” Kronos paused, then said the word as if it were a curse. “Merit...to that theory. There are certain events that one cannot rightly prevent on one’s own. The rise of a virulent disease, for example, could be warned about. However, the disease could still spread before any preventative measures can be taken and cause the damage you had gone to the past to prevent. Similarly, natural disasters are just as difficult to prevent from actually happening. How then, can one effectively change the future?” 

Artemis looked to her right in time to see Elidibus on the edge of his seat. Even Emet-Selch seemed like he was actually paying attention and not just half sleeping through the lecture.

“Again, the solution is simple.” Kronos picked up the white figure from the timeline. “You must remove the person who will cause the most damage to the future you are trying to prevent.” A loud murmur went out through the hall that he ignored. “With that person away, the progression of events must change the outcome of the future. Thus your mission will be complete.”

“What do you mean by remove?” A student from two rows up called out. 

The man rolled his head (and presumably his eyes) hard enough that Artemis was sure his mask was going to dislodge itself from his face. Not that it would have taken much, considering how it was perched on his large, sharp nose. “Not anything as base as killing the person. I mean actually remove the person from the situation entirely. Isolate them in a place where the event won’t be able to touch them while everyone more competent takes care of prevention and recovery.” 

“But how--” 

The timepiece onstage made a blaring sound, shutting up the student. Kronos looked pleased. “That’s all the time I have to explain these very simple concepts to all of you. I’m obliged to tell you that if you wish to learn more, my papers on the equations behind moving backwards in time and how one would be able to isolate the person who would cause the most damage in the future one is trying to prevent are readily available. I won’t be taking any questions.” With that, he quickly made his exit.

Artemis didn’t look at Hythlodaeus, instead turning her focus onto Elidibus. “So...what did you think?”

The young man was practically buzzing with energy. “His grasp of Time and the mechanics of how it works are astounding. I would like to attend more of Kronos’ lectures.” 

She looked past him towards Emet-Selch. He looked like he just ate something sour. “So you didn’t think he was...rough?”

Elidibus nodded. “Oh he was certainly terse. An uncommon trait, of course, but refreshing to see one teach with such a method.” He looked up with an easy smile. “Although I will say I’m far more pleased to have been invited to see Kronos with two of my brothers than I am in seeing the man himself. Thank you for allowing me to join you both.”

The impact her heart made inside her chest was utterly unnecessary. Even if she’d wanted to, Artemis couldn’t have stopped the warm and gooey smile from spreading on her face. “Thank you for joining us.” 

A throat clearing noise drew her attention back to Emet-Selch. The red of his mask made it harder to tell, but he definitely had the remains of a flush on his cheeks. She was going to tease him about it later. “I second the thanks. If you wish to try out other lectures, be sure to talk to us.”

The emissary nodded fast enough that his hood threatened to fall off. “For certain.” He then peaked around Artemis towards Hythlodaeus and Apollo. “I would also like you both to join us the next time, if neither of you mind. Perhaps the next lecture won’t be quite so humiliating for the Chief of the Bureau of the Architect.” 

She turned her head in time to see Hythlodaeus, having gotten his second wind from Kronos finishing his lecture, melt back into his seat with a prolonged groan. “If I’m still in one piece after all of the complaints I’ll have to field, just say the word and I’ll be there.” His words were muffled between his hands, but they were clear enough to hear even among the exiting crowd.

“And I’m always fine with going where Azem goes.” Apollo smiled back at Elidibus with a slight flick of his hair extensions to remind those in the know that he was pretending to be Artemis.

“Then it’s settled.” The young man stood up with a slight bounce. “At a future date, the five of us shall see another lecture.”

“Perhaps we could attend something by Astraeaus?” Emet-Selch suggested. “Gossip says that some of his work had gotten stolen, and I’m keen to see if there’s any truth to it.”

“What does he create?” 

That started a discussion that lasted until the group had left the Akademia grounds altogether.

[irandrura]

Terra Ignota

Over the last few weeks, I read Terra Ignota. I read all of the three published books so far: Too Like the Lightning, Seven Surrenders, and The Will to Battle.

Every review of Terra Ignota I have ever read is wrong. Or rather, every review of Terra Ignota I have ever read takes an extremely different perspective to my own, to the extent that I genuinely don’t understand how the author could have concluded that.

So as not to keep anyone in suspense, my perspective on Terra Ignota is that they are surprisingly trashy books, in a world that doesn’t make very much sense, but that doesn’t matter because the heart and soul of these texts is over-the-top soap opera drama. I think they are probably bad, and they outright offended me at several points, but nonetheless they drew me in enough that I wanted to keep reading. There is merit in that.

 If you’re the sort of person who cares about spoilers, this is your only warning.

As I said, I don’t understand most of the reviews I have read of these books. I simply don’t.

 I don’t understand the view that the writing itself is poetic and beautiful. Palmer has some good phrases from time to time, but overall I don’t find the prose particularly amazing. This is a very subjective point, so I won’t belabour it.

 I don’t understand the view that the books are a masterful triumph of worldbuilding. From my perspective, the worldbuilding is actually kind of half-assed, and more importantly, Palmer does not seem to actually care about worldbuilding that much. It isn’t her priority. Reading the books I found myself constantly asking “How does X actually work?” or “Y sounds totally insane, could you explain how it makes sense to me?” or “Z seems like it clashes with X, please resolve this contradiction for me?”, and Palmer never answers those questions for you. If I want some more explanation for why, say, a global transportation system serving billions of people is run without oversight, from a single private residence, looked after by a man well-known to be suicidally depressed… nope, I’m not getting that. If I want some context for how hive-switching works, or how it interacts with crime, not happening. Even minor questions: in The Will to Battle, our heroes talk to a band of criminals involved in human trafficking, and I immediately wanted to know what human trafficking means in a world where borders have been abolished, geographic nations have been abolished, and every place on Earth is just a short taxi ride from every other place. This is the sort of question Palmer does not answer or even acknowledge.

 And I don’t actually buy that she’s interested in the questions that I see raised when the books are spruiked to me. Are you intrigued by the question of what the world would look like if every individual could choose their own government, their own law code, unconstrained by geography? I’m intrigued by that. It sounds interesting. But this is not a question that Terra Ignota is actually interested in. It seems like it should be interested in it, and I read enough breathless expositions of how cool the hive system is that I expected Terra Ignota to be interested in it… but it’s not. If you’re interested in, say, the question of whether a permanent exit option would make absolute dictatorship more humane, as in the Masons, then I agree that’s interesting – but it is not a question that the text of Terra Ignota takes any interest in. The big worldbuilding questions raised by the hives are all window dressing.

 I don’t understand the idea that Terra Ignota is a brilliant depiction of utopia. I want to acknowledge straight off the bat that I may have a bias here, because Terra Ignota’s world is premised on the, well, genocide of people like me, or at least the forcible suppression and exile of people like me, but I don’t think it’s only the fact that I’m openly in defiance of the First Black Law. Rather, I note two things here. Firstly, it’s hard to see whether Terra Ignota’s society is actually utopian because we spend so little time in it. We do not see how ordinary people live in this world, or what makes it wonderful. What Terra Ignota spends most of its time on is the scheming and backstabbing of the dozen most powerful people in the world, and everyone outside that little circle barely exists in the text. (Abigail Nussbaum noted in her review that Terra Ignota’s world never really feels like it has more than a few hundred people in it, and I agree.) It’s hard to convincingly argue Terra Ignota is a utopia or a dystopia, because we never meet the whole population. We meet a small handful of amoral nobility as they play out a space opera Game of Thrones. That’s certainly entertaining, and I give Palmer credit for making it fun to read, but it’s not really an investigation of utopia. Secondly, where we do see glimpses of the world outside the parlours of the ruthless rich, it…honestly seems rather conventional, and rather like the 21st century. People work fewer hours a week, taxis are much more efficient, movies have smelltracks as well as soundtracks, they go to the Olympics, apparently the Oscars endured the collapse of all nations and religions… but there is little in this world that seems radically different to our own. It’s all minor, incremental bits of technological progress. They’ve eliminated poverty, which is good, but I usually expect something more radical from utopia than that. What do people actually do in Terra Ignota that’s different to what any upper-middle class American might do today? Other, of course, than not go to church, call everyone singular they, and wear tracking devices.

 I don’t understand the idea that these books deal with deep philosophical or theological themes. Like the hives themselves, it’s all window dressing. The narrator Mycroft is obsessed with the 18th century, and so is a bizarre anachronistic brothel that somehow every major world leader attends (cf. worldbuilding being weak, the world only feeling like it has a few hundred people in it), but they don’t do very much with this. Mycroft imagines Thomas Hobbes occasionally butting in, but his imaginary Hobbes has little to say beyond "Hi, I’m the guy who wrote Leviathan!” The characters reference Diderot and de Sade and Voltaire, but usually only on the surface level, and when they do try to go deeper, they often get the references wrong. The same for the theology. My point is not that Terra Ignota is bad: just that it isn’t really that interested in the political philosophy or the theology. It uses 18th century thought as an aesthetic. Deism, miracles, proof of God’s existence, how gods might communicate, etc., are not the questions that occupy the text. Ada Palmer is not a theologian.

 But all that said, I enjoyed Terra Ignota.

 I want to emphasise that. I enjoyed Terra Ignota! I am not saying that it’s bad! I’m just saying that it was not what everyone told me it would be.

 Terra Ignota is a book about a bunch of very powerful, very horrible people, who all apparently go to the same brothel and are interested in the same wacky theories about human nature and God and so on, lying to and betraying each other. I think Palmer is really interested in the characters. Mycroft, our pretentious narrator who by the end of book three is genuinely losing his grip on reality and writing hallucinations. Jedd Mason, the madman who believes he’s God, but is probably just the delusional product of a radical set-set experiment. Caesar, the iron-proud absolute dictator seeking to do his duty by his ambitious, power-obsessed hive. Dominic, the sadistic sexual predator who nonetheless worships Jedd with fanatical devotion. Carlyle, the kind and compassionate philosopher-in-residence who inevitably gets tortured and abused. Ojiro Sniper, the freaky sex doll who nonetheless seeks to become the Brutus to Jedd’s Caesar. Apollo Mojave, the dead-but-still-influential space wizard who sought to cause a world war for stupid reasons. And so on. The characters are generally well-drawn and interesting enough that I want to see what happens to them.

 I should emphasise Palmer’s achievement in making me want to know what happens to these people, especially because they’re all so unsympathetic. Carlyle and Bridger stand out as the most truly sympathetic characters in the novels, but by book three, the former has been captured, tortured, and now limps along, dead-eyed and broken-spirited, in the train of one of the resident sadists, and the latter has quite reasonably gone “Screw this” and used his immense psychic powers to delete himself from the book. But most of the core characters in this drama – Mycroft, Saladin, Jedd, Sniper, Ganymede and Danae, Madame d’Arouet, etc. – are mad, evil, both, or otherwise extremely unsympathetic. It is to Palmer’s credit that I want to know what happens in the war anyway. The most sympathetic of the political leaders in the text, Vivien Ancelet and Bryar Kosala, spend most of their time fruitlessly begging for peace. While they, perhaps alone of the leaders, have genuinely laudable intentions, it has been clear from the first book that neither will be permitted to achieve anything notable. The only people to barrack for, in Terra Ignota, are those noble if compromised few who seek to avoid a war – and who we all know will fail.

 Book four, it seems, will finally be about the war that the first three books have been setting up, and even though I frankly want all three sides to lose – the Jedd faction, the Sniper faction, and Utopia are all deeply unpleasant, albeit in different ways – I am sure I will find it extremely entertaining to see how this all collapses.

 Do I recommend Terra Ignota? I don’t know. If you want detailed, thorough worldbuilding, sincere contemplation of deep philosophical questions about theodicy, politics, and human nature, or a stirring vision of a possible utopia… no. Do not read it for those things. It does not have those things in it.

 But it does have a scene where the prime minister of Europe body-tackles the Olympic president through a plate glass window and they land in a pile of people having sex mid-orgy, while the media broadcasts it worldwide.

 And that’s excellent.

[enthusiasticsobrietyabuse]

Parent Manipulation Part 1 - Originally posted in 2005 OnTheEmmis.com, a Meehan Program Survivor Website and Discussion Forum. (ICECAP is the former incorporation of enthusiastic sobriety programs, it has since dissolved due to the effectiveness of OnTheEmmis.com)

Part of ICECAP’s selling point is just HOW unorthodox they are. Counselors are trained to peddle the ‘shock’ value of a non-traditional program. It makes sense to many parents, because they see the professional community pathetically limping in the dust of young drug addicts in America today. Then they see ICECAP. Within its walls are dozens of young souls who are just absolutely ecstatic about being there. Where else is this happening in the world of rehab? While I am sure these places exist, my experience has been that they are few and far between.

ICECAP milks that point to no end. On the surface, I can see it being very difficult to deny that any ICECAP facility is producing some kind of positive results. Desperate and nearly to the point of hopelessness, many parents are willing to cloud their better judgment for the sake of something…ANYTHING that will help their children recover from their current nightmares. To these parents, ICECAP is a godsend. They see something different…that is apparently working, and they submit to the fever of potential miracles.

Even the skeptical parent will have a hard time denying the lure of ICECAP. Eventually they become involved with the parent group, and there they meet average Joe Dad and Jane Mom, who are just like them and are saying all these wonderful things about ICECAP. All the red flags are carefully lowered and the cautious and suspicious parents are disarmed through a process that involves the meticulous coordination of staff/parent group/younger group/client and then finally parent…though not always in that order. They have an answer for everything…from the late nights and no school, to the smoking and irresponsible lifestyle. All the answers make sense and seem so logical…

If I may, I would like to take some (a lot of) posting space to poke some holes in this seemingly infallible construction of moral high ground and loving happiness that ICECAP claims to be delivering from.

To begin, ICECAP is in fact extremely attractive. Not just because of the reasons I pointed out above, but for many reasons. Walk down the hall and through the doors of an ICECAP meeting. What do you see? A bunch of cool guys wearing slick clothes, hot girls adorned in the latest fads that the mall has to offer, rock star counselors and smiling suburban parents. Wow.

What you don’t see is the ugly sight of a genuine crack head detoxing. You don’t see the sickness of heroin withdrawal, or the brutality of the world that real addiction and drug abuse/alcoholism has to reveal. Rarely, if ever, will you find in ICECAP the wild madness and insanity that drug addiction has to offer humanity. When these unfortunates do happen to stumble through ICECAP’s door, they almost invariably do not recover there. I know, because I have seen it, but more on that later.

I find it interesting that ICECAP targets white middle/upper middle class families almost exclusively. There is absolutely no effort by ICECAP to reach beyond this demographic at all. Why? When you think about it, wouldn’t someone who comes from the depraved background that Meehan claims to come from be at least slightly interested in helping those whose stories are more like his? How many ICECAP clients are repeated felons, heroin junkies, or murderers? Almost none of them are. In my opinion, this set up is the first element of being disarmed that a parent encounters.

What wealthy, or semi wealthy parent wants their kid in a place where a bunch of ex-violent criminals hang out at? My guess is that when presented with the ICECAP pitch, which at nearly every ICECAP facility includes the line about how they do not accept insurance; your average suburban upper tax-bracket parent takes a silent sigh of relief. If they don’t accept insurance, then they know that the place does not harbor certain ‘undesirables’, because those types of people would never be able to afford ICECAP treatment. In that there is a certain mutual agreement of ‘silence’ going on between the parent and ICECAP. ‘We won’t ask why this facility is full of white suburban kids as long as you keep my kid around safe white suburban kids’.

That would be fine except for one thing: the reason there are so many ‘attractive’ kids from well-off families in ICECAP is because ICECAP primarily does not target true drug addicts. If they did, you would certainly see more of those ‘ugly’ cases that I mentioned above. The truth is; ICECAP primarily targets kids who have quite commonly and naturally stumbled into experimentation with mind altering substances. Left to their own devices, I am of the opinion that most of the kids that become involved in ICECAP would have gone through their adolescence just fine, despite some dabbling in the drug and alcohol culture.

I realize that it may sound as though I am condoning the use of drugs and alcohol by adolescents to some extent. Believe me; I know there are kids out there, even particularly young ones; that need some sort of intervention and rehabilitation when it comes to drugs and alcohol. However, there are few of those kids in ICECAP.

To put what I am saying into perspective, let me share with you an experience I had when I was 15.

I was at a party full of teens from my high school. There were perhaps 50-60 kids at this get-together. Every one of them were drinking and/or smoking pot, many of them were participating in sexual activities, and every single one of them WANTED to and was trying to do all of the above. This was not a party exclusively for ‘dope fiends’ or ‘freaks’ or anything like that. Most of the kids at this shindig were truly just your average high school teens, and many of them were at an identical party just a week before. Many of them would be at an identical party the next week.

Tell me, what seems to make more sense to you: That EVERY ONE of these kids was in need of being yanked out of school and subjected to an outpatient rehabilitation facility, or that they were for the most part kids being kids? I can’t say that I’ve kept up with each of those teens at that party, but I find it really hard to believe that they are every one of them sitting in gutters right now with needles hanging out of their arms.

The truth is that almost NO PARENT likes the idea that THEIR kid is in fact one of those kids at that party. However unfortunate it may be, chances are your kid IS one of those kids. ICECAP knows this, and knows it well.

The truth is that as far as ICECAP is concerned, every single one of those kids at that party IS fit for and IN NEED of their $6,000 outpatient program.

Of the 50-60 kids that were at that particular party, each one of them has one of two kinds of parents that could potentially find themselves in an ICECAP intervention: The ‘worried sick and hopeless parent’, and the ‘clueless’ parent. ICECAP has a brilliant line for both of these types of encounters.

For the worried sick and hopeless parent, they are already full of fear; so that is one obstacle that the given ICECAP counselor does not have to overcome, and can proceed directly to its exploitation. After meeting for over an hour with their child, the counselor then asks the parent/parents to then sit down with him, without the child. They are usually first presented with the structure of ‘enthusiastic sobriety’, and then carefully guided through the counselor’s ‘diagnosis’ of the child, at which point the fear they walked in with is thoroughly taken advantage of. He tells them, ‘first of all, to what extent you THINK your child is using, you can safely double or triple that. Your son/daughter has been for quite some time falling into the pitfalls of a very attractive and powerful drug and alcohol counter culture. It is nearly impossible to wrench young people today from the grip of this diseased phenomenon once they are into it to the extent that your child is. I know this because…’ At which point the counselor shares a true or untrue account of his own experiences with drugs and the drug culture. By the time he is finished, thanks to all of that plus clever little catch-phrases such as ‘true, Billy/Jenny may not be shooting heroin today, but at his/her rate of progression, you can bet on that nightmare down the road’ the parent has gone from being terrified to utterly mortified. The hook has been cast at this point, and it is here that the counselor begins to discuss the ‘solution’.

A recap of how brilliantly ‘enthusiastic sobriety’ competes with this vaunted ‘counter culture’ is usually in order here, followed by a description of outpatient. Another testimony by the counselor involving his own experience with IOP is conveyed, and then the cost.

If the parent is reluctant, or can’t afford it, emotional blackmailing goes into overdrive here, and is perhaps the most insidious aspect of the ‘intervention’. The parent/parents is told in so many words that their son/daughter will DIE if they do not get the ‘intensive level’ of ‘necessary treatment’ that outpatient provides, that the support group alone cannot hope to accomplish.

If the parent continues to flounder after this underhanded attempt to ‘guilt’ them into paying for IOP, then the counselor will usually back down and explain that while he feels the support group (just meetings and functions) is at this point a ‘disservice’ to the child, if that is all they can do then that’s the route they’ll go. He convinces the parent to attend parent meetings and functions rigorously for at least 30 days (same commitment as the kid), and thanks them for their time.

None of this ends here, of course. After the parent has left, this is what a ‘good’ counselor does:

He offers the name of the parent to either the ‘parent coordinator’ or a trusted parent on steering committee. He tells them that he felt as though the kid really needed IOP, but Mom/Dad couldn’t afford it or was skeptical of the idea, and that he would like this ICECAP parent to ‘work on them’. As the ‘intervention’ parent continues to attend parent meetings, they are relentlessly pushed by other parents at the direction of the parent coordinator to figure out a way to get their son/daughter into IOP.

Meanwhile, the kid is going to meetings and being told by other kids that he/she should go into IOP…that it is the ‘coolest’, and you really get the ‘gnarly’ shit about the group in IOP. This will turn from innocent prodding to downright peer pressure very quickly, and eventually the kid is going home and asking, sometimes begging mom/dad to get them in IOP.

If by now the parent is still not willing to do the $6,000 dollar shuffle, what usually occurs is sad and much of what continues to anger me about ICECAP’s tactics. The counselor will keep tabs with the parent, keeping them updated and developing a ‘relationship’ with the parent. Often, this is what goes down: The kid feels so much pressure from both staff and peers to attend IOP that he/she will quickly realize (usually with the help of the counselor), the reasons why he/she cannot go. Kids aren’t stupid, and Billy knows that either mom doesn’t think his problem is serious enough, or she just isn’t willing to call up grandpa for the dough. So he goes out and gets high one night.

The counselor, of course is ALL OVER THIS ‘relapse’, and schedules an appointment immediately with the family. After 30 minutes of what pretty much amounts to ‘I told ya so’ from the counselor, the parent takes out a second mortgage or calls up grandpa or takes out a line of credit and coughs up the $6,000 for outpatient.

ICECAP staff would argue that these are merely ‘imperative measures’ to take in order to ‘help this kid get better’, to ‘save his/her life’. I argue that this is a carefully constructed sequence of manipulation to paint a false picture of a fairly normal kid as a ‘dope fiend’ in order to sucker well-off families out of six grand.

The ‘clueless’ parent is dealt with in almost the same way, except the counselor must first instill the fear into the parents who have ‘no idea’ that their kid is so ‘sucked in to the world of drug and alcohol abuse’.

I challenge anyone to tell me the story of the family who was told: ‘Your kid really doesn’t have much of an issue. He/she could probably be a bit wiser about what friends they choose, maybe come to some meetings and see a more positive lifestyle…but really they don’t need intensive treatment from us…’ by ICECAP.

The only instance that I can think of in the ten years I was involved with ICECAP, was that of a young man who convincingly conveyed to everyone that he truly was a non-abuser, and that he simply went to a meeting to see a friend. IOP was not pushed on to this kid or his family, but being on staff at the time, I can tell you that the idea to somehow worm this kid into treatment was definitely kicked around.

I went into this aspect of ICECAP as the first part to a series about the structure of ICECAP and its functions. The intent is to provide sound knowledge and information to potential or current clients of ICECAP. The reason I wanted to expose this particular area of ICECAP’s doctrine first is because I believe that there are more clients there who fall into this school of thought than any other. These are the kids who aren’t quite ‘non-abusers’ as ICECAP would like to call them, but certainly aren’t ‘dope fiends’ as ICECAP would have you believe.

Next I intend to focus on the consequences of these manipulative tactics. Where’s the harm? If they never are at one of those high school parties ever again and spend the next two to five years of their lives steeped in the principals of love, patience and understanding…then what’s so bad about it?

PLENTY.

To be continued…