#the fear of not being able to breathe
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stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!
wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end
#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh#some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2#recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety#like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that#my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms#UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child#so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had#a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time#which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem!#its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it#and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome'#instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems!#anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now!#house md#hilson#greg house#james wilson#stacy warner
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liam looking at theo throughout teen wolf season 6
#everybody always wants to talk ab theo giving him heart eyes but like#liam not being able to mask any of the emotions hes having when hes looking at theo is so#its not just the anger or the infatuation or whatever its also the fear and the hurt and the confusion LIKEEEE#him having to take steps back or steady his breathing#or look away completely#hes so down bad and he doesn’t even know it yet !#their relationship is so intense no matter what point its at like thats crazy#thiam#theo raeken x liam dunbar#theo raeken/liam dunbar#theo x liam#theo/liam#teen wolf#liam dunbar#dylan sprayberry
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FRIENDS I HAVE BEEN PLAYING WITH SOME OF THE QSMP MODS AND I AM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH
BEHOLD THESE THREE PARTICULAR BLOCKS FROM THE FRAMEDBLOCKS MOD!!!!! FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, THE "FRAMED SECRET STORAGE", THE "FRAMED DOOR", AND THE "FRAMED ONE-WAY WINDOW"
FRAMED SECRET STORAGE, A BLOCK WITH SOME STORAGE THAT CAN BE CAMOUFLAGED TO LOOK LIKE WHATEVER BLOCK YOU DESIRE!!!! WANT TO BUILD YOUR WHOLE HOUSE OUT OF CHESTS AND STILL MAINTAIN AESTHETIC?? GO FOR IT!! HAVE SECRET CONTRABAND BUT NEED EASY ACCESS? HIDE IT RIGHT IN YOUR WALLS!!!
THE FRAMED DOOR, ABLE TO BE CUSTOMIZED TO LOOK LIKE A WALL!! THE TOP AND BOTTOM CAN BE ASSIGNED BLOCKS INDEPENDENTLY!!
SECRET TUNNEL!!!!!!!!!
THE FRAMED ONE-WAY WINDOW!! ANY ONE SIDE OF THIS BLOCK CAN BE MADE TRANSPARENT, INCLUDING THE TOP AND BOTTOM!!! the transparency can also be REMOVED, so if your friend forgets to look at the name of the block their crosshair is on, YOU CAN TOTALLY PRETEND IT'S A TOTALLY NORMAL SOLID BLOCK AND ADD THE TRANSPARENCY ONLY WHEN NECESSARY >:D
NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM SO EXCITED FOR WHEN THE PARANOID MEMBERS WITH MANY SECRETS AND MANY THINGS TO HIDE DISCOVER THESE BLOCKS HEHEHEHEHEHE. AS SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND CHAMPIONS ESPIONAGE THIS CONSTITUTES AN ABSOLUTE WIN
#qsmp#I LOVE ESPIONAGE I LOVE SECRETS I LOVE HIDDEN PASSAGES#HOHOHOHOEHOEHOEHOEHOHEHOE#reading through the mod notes apparently if you use phantom membrane on a block it allows you to walk through it like ghost blocks#how FUCKIGN DOPE IS THAT#THIS MAKES ME SO FUCKIGN EXCITED LIKE ACTUALLY I LOVE ESPIONAGE AND SECRETS AND HIDEY HOLES SO MUCH#if mr badboy 'paranoia incarnate' halo stops being deceased i hope he discovers these blocks bc he'd go CRAZY#cellbit would also like DAMN like DAMN#imagine if he'd been able to conceal the security door in the fear room behind a door that looked the same as the wall#jaiden being able to see through the fog using the waterframes couldn't have revealed the door >:D#this is so COOL this is so DOPE i'm in tears i love espionage i hope someone finds these blocks soon#also don't mind that you can't see my hand in any of the screenshots i found a scarf that gives me invisibility#WHICH IS ALSO FUCKING DOPE#the artifacts mod is actually so OP like genuinely#i have bunny slippers that make me jump the height of three fences and take 0 fall damage (i make bunny noises when i'm hit too >:D)#i have a snorkel that gives me 15 seconds of water breathing every time i surface for air#i have night vision goggles AND i have a CLOUD IN A JAR that gives me a DOUBLE JUMP so combine that with the bunny slippers and :DDDDD#and NONE OF THESE have durability and i can have them on AT ALL TIMES unless they conflict in slots ofc like no two in the head slot or smt#tho this is assuming that i downloaded the correct mod (i would have grabbed it from seeing it in a tooltip on a stream so jury's out)#(i don't remember what stream either lmao)#but yeah assuming these items exist on the server they're so fucking cool; i'm assuming they'll pop up in a shop later#since i haven't seen people find many yet#anyway not to be a fucking nerd or anything lmfao just got a lil excited#long tags#shut up vic#block game brainrot
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nothing makes me more mad than when david gaider tweets lmfaoooo
#hate that man#no offense#well full offense actually#the playersexual discourse is crazy but him admitting that he's the reason there's like.#gender-locked romances in response to da:tv having pansexual romances is insane#“everyone being able to be attracted to ur character takes away from the characters' agency” in what world actually#like does iron bull have no agency over his character cuz he can like both?#homophobic rhetoric i fear#not to mention idk why it would be more important for people that a fake person made of pixels#has more “agency” (as if they ever do theyre NOT REAL!!!!!!!!!)#than players who want to express themselves through the medium of the video game and experience it#in a way that makes them comfortable#dorian romance is great and it does revolve a whole lot around being gay but at some point like#not liking how bg3 did their romance bc characters can fall in love with you regardless of gender just stinks of losers#“they fall in love with you no matter how you act” bro if u do mean things some of them will permanently leave the party#like literally what are you talking abt#astarion rejected 60 percent of players in the first few weeks of the game being out like literally what are you talking about#its fine im calm#im chill#take a deep breath me#LOL#anyways fuck that guy#glad he's no longer lead writer cuz him freely admitting he's the reason for the limitations of dai is crazy#same guy who said astarion is basically fenris tho so u can clearly tell his ego has started leaking out his ass
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i need to be talking about dennis reynolds at all times or i will explode
#i know everybody’s been holding their breath waiting feverishly yes he is my roman empire#the north dakota of it alll …… tends bar baby i fear nobody sees you clearly like i do ……….#the Everything of season twelve it was juliglenn season indeed all set up one last amazing performance we’re starting to look into the#complexity and whatever of dennis reynolds just to be like hahaha he’s gone#but then …… the weird awkwardness of glenn coming back of them not being able to do sunny without him without dennis#what do we do with this !!!!!!!! we opened him up !!!!!!!! he doesn’t know how to do that !!!! how to be so transparent
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So I normally don’t do self insert stuff but I kind of want to write a scuba diver Mc with the octotrio just so I can put all my training to good use
#twisted wonderland#octotrio#Lemon writes#like the way I could write whole pages just detailing the steps and the feelings of being underwater#also I could write some damn good horror because I know the fear of not being able to breathe 60 feet down#one of the tweels pulling you down#the cold pressing around you as you try to just keep breathing#desperately trying to escape#much to their amusement#Floyd would absolutely mess with and poke at the valves and you would have to slap him away before he turns off your oxygen#the ideas I have with this scenario#but I have to write about politics in an essay instead
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with the rising fascism in the world, im not gonna trust any new medias with stories that make the villain an agent of chaos & terror while the hero/es fight to preserve the status quo.
#after 9/11 there was a rise in childrens media where this was exactly the case#a foreign threat to peace that must be eliminated#and sure there were a lot of good stories made with that format. doesnt erase the true intent being the message.#and now theres come a rise of stories with empires and dictators as villains who are destroyed by rebellions#a good example of the stories about preserving the status quo are literally all of the marvel movies#thats why ragnarok was breath of fresh air. they didnt preserve the legacy of someone who destroyed thousands in the name of 'keeping peace#odin's legacy was burned to ash and thor put his people first.#another example is HP. even the newest stories set hundreds of years in the past still aim to preserve the status quo#and make the oppressed trying to fight back into villains by giving them really good points and then making them into murderers#a good example of a story that does the OPPOSITE is the owl house. god that show was so perfect.#just the subtle touch of luz's magic not having a white core like belos's in the end was so perfect.#making her final most powerful form look like a stereotypical villain with the black eyes and clothes and her dark magic??#her palisman being able to shapeshift into stereotypically feared animals like spiders scorpions snakes and bats??#the fact that she looked like a demon while belos was pretending to be carrying out the will of his god? that he was on some holy crusade?#belos believing himself to be the hero of the story even to the bitter end because he couldnt imagine that people he considers subhuman#had any right to life. that they werent just pests to be crushed in the name of his god. and in the end he was the one crushed like a bug.#so good. so good. so good. dana terrace i am kissing you#i like the owl house more than i like gravity falls and BOY is that saying something#krav talks
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Inigo loves Archie so much it kills him inside :’)
#just pav things#I noticed something about their dynamic. or maybe it’s closer to remembered.#See electric guitar on it’s own is not complete without it’s heartbeat. The drums.#My firm belief is that I would not enjoy nearly as many tunes if it weren’t for their dictated pace as well#My best example (and sorry for the predictability) is pq’s F.O.E.. Pay attention to the melody line.#These two instruments are so complementary to each other!#And I think that’s why I made Inigo a drummer way back when#You know Inigo consciously decided on that—#He just wants to be there for Archie he wants to be there WITH Archie#who used to be a guitarist if you recall~#And this is still reflected in more recent incarnations!#He trained himself to be ambidextrous because he thought it would be a cool thing to show off to Archie#He’s so incredibly academically inclined because learning how to speak and do mathematics was how Inigo bonded with him#Being able to show off what he learned and getting the encouragement and congratulations#He admired Archie as an older figure in his life before everything else y’know#He was a literal toddler how was Archie NOT supposed to imprint on him.#After all he paid attention to him#Held him close on cold nights to help him fall asleep. Sharing the warmth of body and breath#And I think this is so crucial to understanding Inigo and events like his hysteria moment#He runs off of so much fear which is driven by his LOVE for those around him#He loves Archus so he’s scared about what effect he had on him after the incident#He loves Cynthia so he maintains his distance so he doesn’t lose her too#And the resulting isolation destroys him. His true heart is left in dormant sleepiness being kept hidden for so long in sheer anxiety :(#Now if only if there was another Dandelion…. ;)
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❛ Well don't you look dashing today. ❜ Miserable doesn't even begin to cut it, and the sarcasm is meant to fill the time it takes to assess the problem. The idea of prodding further is immediately dismissed: Ash isn't in the mood to joke, and Tobias isn't eager to find himself even lower in his books. ❛ Problems with Dino? I won't pry. ❜ A pause, contemplating, before he offers a smile. He can guess what the issue had been, and how long a personal meeting with that wretch of a man could last in anyone's mind. ❛ But... I'm told I'm quite good at making people forget about their troubles. Want to give it a try? ❜
There is no time allotted for potential misunderstandings before he explains himself, taking a few steps closer to the blond yet stopping ahead of entering his precious personal space. ❛ Think about what could make you smile... and I can try my hand at making it a reality. Don't you think that'll be fun? Maybe even cathartic, if you know what to ask for. ❜ A glance towards the villa in the far off distance, and it seems Tobias' amusement doesn't draw the line at making enemies out of other mafia families.
Tobias-centered s.c : @effigist ( Ash )!
#muse: tobias.#effigist#* tobias. / ic.#THIS IS SENDING MESO HARDHASBDBSDSUADBSUADA#Tobias looking at Ash as if the man just returned from the trenches: Wow I've never seen a more pathetic-looking man in my life.#Tobias in the same breath: I wonder if making that Dino's problem will help... eh; at least it'll be FUN.#(<- man who's thinking about either obstructing the corsican mafia's dealings; stealing their profits or staging an assassination#to get either the wrath of or the fear of God back in Dino and his men. for the funsies :) but also bc Ash's mood being down is a bummer)#This man doesn't fear death and it shows ADHSAJDSDAKDJ although lbr Dino probably wouldn't even be able to tell it was him#since Tobias has NO apparent reason to do all that. and especially not for /Ash/ of all possible people
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So me and my friend unpacked that night terror I had the other night & basically I am now on a self-imposed horror ban because I genuinely think if I keep consuming horror with my current mental state I will have a full-blown psychotic break 😔✌🏻
#for the uninitiated: basically i dreamed of an entity that was ‘the personification of fear itself’ and it was standing in the corner of my#room heavy-breathing and looking at me. it followed me through 3 layers of sleep (dream within a dream; regular dream; WAKING -#i hallucinated it during a sleep paralysis incident)#and i was unpacking it with my friend and i was like ‘i think the reason i was able to fall asleep again so fast (within 10 minutes lol)#and the thought of it hasn’t really bothered me when i’ve tried to sleep since is that it felt like more of a warning than a threat#like it kept getting worse each time i saw it but obviously i was fine. like it never tried to harm me. it just stood there’#and she was like ‘so do you believe in symbolism in dreams?’ i said ‘i don’t believe in prophetic dreams and i don’t believe that dreams#always have meaning. what i believe is that when the conscious mind shuts off for sleep; the subconscious starts unpacking stuff completely#at random and starts working through it. i think it’s a complete roulette. i think the best example of that is the time i had a dream that#one of my teachers was selling teddy bear ties just because he wore a tie with teddy bears on it once. i had that dream about a week later.#i was not in any way preoccupied with his tie; i saw it once and that was it but my brain obviously decided to use it’#so she was like ‘so you think that you dreaming about an entity that was the personification of fear itself is completely random?’#i was like ‘oh no not really. that makes perfect sense to me. all the movies i’ve watched and books i’ve read and podcasts i’ve listened to#have been horror’ and she was like ‘and you think that’s healthy for you?’ ‘oh no not really. plenty of it scares me. i even got scared the#other day listening to true crime; which doesn’t usually happen to me but i guess the 4 hour serial killer documentary wore me down’#she’s just like ‘for god’s sake’ lol#so i’m like ‘i mean if i interpret it your way; about dreams having meanings and messages; i guess i’m being warned that i’m dwelling too#much on fear. i’m inviting it into my space deliberately. it’s the main emotion i’m experiencing from the media i consume. and i don’t know#that that’s necessarily… good?’ and she’s like ‘no i don’t think it is. maybe you should read a sci-fi or something or rewatch that reality#show you like?’ and i was like ‘that actually seems like a good idea’#so. no more horror for me for the foreseeable :( i just want to get through the seasonal depression. and get my grief for mabel down to a#manageable level. i mean it’s somewhat manageable now but i still feel sad and guilty all the time and cry randomly#i’m thinking about signing up to be a dog fosterer for the rspca. i mean i work from home; i have an enclosed garden & plenty of time#and i could use the companionship. i just don’t know that i can take on a multi-year commitment right now#personal
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my dad might have fucking covid. about to jump off a bridge
#purrs#he was unmasked in my future room with the contractors yesterday and one of them woke up sick this morning and stayed in bed all day and now#my dad is feeling sick and my mom isn’t even better yet and i just saw so many people (WHO ARE VULNERABLE / HAVE VULNERABLE FAMILY MEMBERS)#in the last couple of days and now i might have exposed them. i am about to LOSE my shit. i need all respiratory diseases to die immediately#i am TIRED of living in constant fear. and i am FURIOUS at my dad for not wearing a mask.#like do you people NOT FUCKING GET IT. You may be cavalier. you may say you don’t care if you get it you can fight it off. BUT YOU INTERACT#WITH OTHER PEOPLE. who may not WANT to get sick. Who may not be able to DURVIVE getting sick. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. if you see#someone wearing a mask they are doing that FOR A REASON!!!! TO PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!! TO PROTECT THEIR LOVED ONES!!!!! so fucking WEAR ONE#OUT OF COURTESY! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN! i don’t care if they’re hard to breathe in. I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable. I don’t care if#it’s your own house and you’re not used to it. SUCK IT UP. you can be uncomfortable for five minutes. you KNOW how anxious we all are about#getting covid and you DIRECTLY endanger us and now i might have put other people in danger. and i didn’t even choose it I didn’t do anything#wrong. FUCK COVID. fuck this collective punishment nightmare. I am SO TIRED of living in constant fear because OTHER PEOPLE want to pretend#it’s over. it fucking ISNT. there are things I care about. there are people I care about. and if you were a decent fucking human being you#would understand that and MASK UP. not everyone gets to be so glib about it. it’s hard enough being seen as fucking insane and still taking#damage from having basicaly 0 social life because im too afraid to go anywhere or do anything it’s harder when people around me who i can’t#help but interact with exhibit that they do not actually care about how it is improtant to me that i do not get sick or get my loved ones#sick ESPECIALLY when it is my loved one himself who KNOWS how scared shitless we all are. it fucking hurts so bad. fuck covid. FUCK covid.#delete later#like. despair. i can wear my n95 mask all i want but i am still fucking HELPLESS when people around me don’t. despair. DESPAIR.
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1000000% lateness ✨guaranteed✨!!!!!
#this is karma for being a horrible person ig lmaoooooooooooo#i hate trains soooooooooooo much >:(#it was so crowded i could barely breathe… even though i was literally standing right next to the door fml#pros of being hina/arisa sized: being able to squish anywhere on a crowded mode of transportation#cons of being hina/arisa sized: having tall af people tower over you when you’re ✨claustrophobic✨#i truly despise trains with every fibre of my being. they suck.#like… i even have bad times when i take the bounce train after work in order to guarantee a seat#i’m just there chilling and napping when some random old guy shakes my arm to wake me up bc it’s the terminal stop >:(#it’s already happened twice >:( nap mood? ✨gone✨ but tbf to the first guy he tapped the seat next to me instead of physically shaking me#but the second guy… (ʘ‿ʘ) i still get mad when i think about how he kinda smiled at me from behind his mask and pointed at the door…#…as though he was saying ‘hey. here’s your stop. wake up’ or sth. why can’t people just leave each other alone on the trains?#truly，the life of a people-fearing/despising，touch-adverse，train-loathing，high-maintenance individual ✨really blows✨#this is why buses are better. the seats on them are always more comfortable than train seats anyway!!!!!!!#sorry if you read all this. anyways stan buses (not trains)!!!!!#it is suiyoubi my dudes
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doom player zoro fills my mind 24/7
#mmmmhhnh. death n limits n lost of hope and losing in general#bringing doom to others and yourself#being bound to the limits of being human n w/ it the fear of not always being able to protect the ones you love#which leads you to spend you life trying to break said limits to becomes stronger n stronger until they call you a monster‚ immortal‚ demon#tearing yourself down and having your life taken from you over n over but never finding rest#doom nips at your feet as you fight it‚ constantly on your tail sometimes taking hold of you and dragging you down only for it to let go an#watch you as you gasp for breath#putting yourself in position of protector and devoting yourself as the front lines so you take the full blunt of doom#youre the second strongest yet it is you who bears so much weight on your shoulders and you carry it#along with the weights you lift to push yourself to carry even MORE#your best friend dies the day after you promise your life's devotion and (maybe) you have to live with idea that she wouldnt have died if y#ou never did it#ough zoro#you are literally asura... that is one of your ultimate moves...#with being human you are vulnerable and burning your vulnerability away but now you are no longer human
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I’m over this healing already. Kinda awful not gonna lie lol. Still not sleeping except small intervals. Pain is still awful. I feel and look absolutely gross. My eyes are swollen and bruised (2 black eyes) and I’m still pouring tears and leaking blood from my nose. Again, I’m only able to do mobile right now because I can pull the phone close to my face lol. I cannot see without my glasses and glasses are so not happening. I got bored today and decided to “watch” stuff on YouTube that I’ve seen so I can at least listen for entertainment. It’s driving me nuts not to be able to be on or chatting right now. I’m bored and there’s so much I want to do and need to do and I just can’t.
#|| bsaa file: ooc ||#tw medical#tw negative#//this surgery sucks but#//the pay off of being able to breathe right for like#//the first time in over 30 years is a dream#//and I can’t wait for that moment#//still terrified to see this monstrosity under the bandages#//and knowing it’s going to be months and months#//before I see what it’s supposed to look like#//and the fucking fear of hitting it and ruining it lol
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Ignore
#delete later#am i wildly researching where i may end up living at 2am awake bc of pain? yes. should i be? absolutely not#theres a dry spell of properties and obvs i know itll improve again but eurgh. there were some nice places that have gone abd now theyre al#student accommodation and im not doing that. that isnt me seeing students as below me i just cant function in a shared#place with strangers. i will lose it and stop functioning. im just. stressed. and i can't do anything bc im in pain so thw stress is just#sitting there#its. having a chronic health condition that can get worse seemingly randomly sucks. how can i plan for anything. my current fear#is how can i view places to live if i cant leave the flat. my hands will improve but if im not carefil they will keep flaring up#but tine doesn't wait for health to stabilise. im just tired of it all. i need to future plan but whats tge point when idek#when I'm next gonna be able to go outside without fucking myself up. im gonna have to bc i feel so fucking claustrophobic rn#im having a pity party. i gotta sometimes. just. kinda miserable. i hate being in limbo. on the upside all friends gifts arrived. gonna try#figure out how to wrap them one handed. or find a bag. we'll see which i can do lol. feel kinda bad ive just been like hiding for the#past couple weeks but im in pain. not much to be done abd i need ro frequently lie down and just control my breathing#not conducive to fun. its 2am i need to sleep. i hurt#i know im whining a bunch lately. ahit just is. overwhelming and deeply upsetting. and im in too much pain to do anything but#lie here and think about it. and that sucks
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#i Hate when your brain does the subconscious fear shit like. i was sleeping you idiot#:[#“hey wanna see something cool? did u know u were worried about this? no? now you Do”#it was Sort of helpful but#i just wish i didn't feel that way at all. i hate being subconsciously Scared and not being able 2 control my body#not being able to breathe or stop my eyes stinging#it's frustrating but i'm trying to be patient with myself#i just haven't quite figured out how to work through it yet#maybe i'll think on it this weekend.#sap says#this shit is hard#i tend to ignore that it is and try anyway but#good God is it hard
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