#the funny thing is we were watching it from Lewis’s car because we wanted to see oscar defend

[httpiastri]

mr lewis hamilton, i’d sleep with my eyes wide open tonight if i were you

[just-an-assbutt]

just follow up on your last post about charles and max, i've always found the narrative weird (and I think it's because oftentimes people who write max only see him on race weekends). in reality, max has even been described as quite shy off track but once he's comfortable, like in videos with daniel or the redbull crew, you can see he literally loves pleasing people and being funny. like the way he waits for every joke to land and watches people react. even in the cool down room you can always see him waiting for a chance to talk to people and he's always extra happy when they want to discuss stuff. he seems like a major people pleaser to me off the track and someone's who eager to go along with things. again, not claiming this is reality but just based on what we get to see

I totally agree with this! Specially since I was once one of those people. I first started watching only the races and, frankly, the only thing I cared about was just watching them race. But my dad is a huge F1 nerd (and loves to gossip) so he kind of ended up forcing me to learn about them outside of the track to gossip with me and that made me like Max a little more.

I used to dislike Max, because “race Max” is usually an asshole, he talks horrible to GP, complains a lot and is a bit too cocky. And Charles is the contrary, he doesn’t talk back to Xavi (even if he should), spends most of his time trying to solve things instead of complaining and is pretty humble. So I liked Charles more and Max less. Then my dad, a Lewis fan, started sending me memes daily and slowly I started to learn a little about the drivers off the track. I had always been a Vettel fan (still am) and then started to like Lewis a lot. But, of course, most of the things my dad sent me were against Max. It took me some personal effort to go and try to find things about him that weren’t negative. That’s when I started liking him more. Once you look at Max not high on adrenaline, you get to see a totally different person. Like you say Annon, he is shy and likes to ramble a lot to people, he waits eagerly for his jokes to land and closes off when he’s uncomfortable.

Charles is usually a person that makes him feel comfortable enough to ramble his heart out, the usual victim of Maxplaining. And you can see how important is for Max to tell Charles things. He runs from wherever he is to where Charles is just to talk to Charles, and you can always see Charles ready to be there and listen to him for an hour while Max lets it all out. I remember a cool down room this year that it’s a great example of that. Max was closed off, no idea why because his race hasn’t been that bad, Checo was there and even through he tried to make Max open up he couldn’t. I believe that Checo and Max are on great terms, but Max needs a pretty specific environment to be friendly and open with people he’s not too close to. Anyways, Charles walked in and saw that Checo was unsuccessfully trying to make Max talk a little bit and decided to help out. He remembered that Max complained about the wind during the race, so he brought that up. It got Max going instantly, his face and posture changed and he started rambling none stop about the wind and the effect it had on the car, like Charles didn’t know two things about aerodynamics. Checo smiled and stood there, listening to Max talk and he shared a little look with Charles, like he was thanking him. Even Charles knows how much Max loves to tell him things.

(Yes guys, keep sending asks and I’ll keep rambling, I’m like Max, I can never stop talking about F1).

[forzafinally]

What was it that made you a Charles fan last year?

Hey! So my first exposure to F1 was through a few friends here who were very much into F1 and big Lewis fans. I didn't really know anything about Charles till I watched DTS in August I think because I was curious about what the whole hype was about.

The last season they had shown on DTS back then was 2022 and as sensationalised as the whole thing might have been, I was actively rooting for Charles to win the WDC while watching the show. I really liked his passion towards racing and the whole mythos surrounding Ferrari as a team. It seemed like something that was genuinely worth rooting for.

So then I checked the results of the latest race around that time which was Monza. I was hoping that Ferrari has finally got their shit together. As they were in contention for the WDC last year, I assumed that they would have learnt from their mistakes and built a car that was able to challenge Red Bull as they obviously had the technology and skills to build a car that was fast. Charles had come P4 iirc and I was like maybe that isn't so bad after all. But then I checked the results of the rest of the season and well, we all know how that went lol.

Singapore 23 was the first F1 race that I ever watched and I think that a Ferrari win gave me slightly unrealistic expectations about how competitive they could be. However, that race was also a Ferrari strategy disasterclass and I was just sitting there wondering how the hell Charles was staying with a team that couldn't handle two drivers being competitive at the same time.

Over the rest of the season I watched Charles drag the SF-23 to the front row multiple times and that was something that was impressive to me. Yes he wasn't able to match the Red Bulls in racepace. But even coming P1 in qualy is something that isn't easy. I can't imagine Max not wanting to start P1 even if he knows he has better race pace and can make up the positions later in the race. And it wasn't like Carlos was able to get the same results from the car.

Multiple people say that Max is what makes the difference as a driver in Red Bull, it's not just the car. Similarly it is Charles who was making the difference in Ferrari and not Carlos. The funny thing is that he was getting absolutely slaughtered for it by the media which is just?????? Any other driver was being hailed as a miracle for being able to challenge Max at all but when it was Charles it was somewhat taken to be a foregone conclusion. The bias was astounding.

Las Vegas as a race genuinely impressed me not just because Charles came P2 but his attitude throughout the entire race. Despite the fact that Max had won the championship at that time he still wanted to win the race and I don't think it was just wishful thinking on his part - he genuinely believed that he could win it. Looking at other driver's interviews throughout the season, I always got a sense of inevitability. That no matter what they do it's going to be Max who wins. Also if Max would overtake them once over the race it was over. Not many people would think they could challenge him again. But in Vegas, Charles kept trying multiple times and it was that tenacity that impressed me. He didn't settle for P3. He overtook Max just before he pitted the first time and overtook Checo on pure race pace on the last corner and that is something that showed me that he was a driver worth rooting for because he's not afraid to take that extra risk.

Also, in one of the end of the season interviews a reporter asked him how it felt to finish ahead of his teammate and his answer was that none of it mattered if he wasn't finishing first in the WDC. Now that's what a winning mentality is. I don't know how anyone can say that he's not serious about being a world champion when he keeps saying things like that.

Also, Charles also seemed to be a genuine team player with how he was trying his best to help get Ferrari P2 in constructors last year. To me it did showcase a fair amount of maturity and growth and being selfless enough to look out for the team instead of just himself as an individual.

Also all the fan interactions that I would see on social media were overwhelmingly positive which is a huge green flag in my books because at the end of the day not all celebrities are kind to their fans. But Charles always seemed to make an active effort to be polite and kind and just not take that love for granted if you know what I mean? Lastly, it's obvious that his fellow drivers respect him so much. He's someone who is considered to be both a safe and fast racer which isn't something that you see a lot.

Ultimately, he's a tiofoso and a Ferrari driver who wants to win the championship and I think that's something that's worth supporting. I also don't think he's just blindly loyal to the team and it's all just emotion. He has been firm enough to put his foot down where it actually matters like getting Fred at TP and classy enough to not be messy in the media. 26 is not old enough to even consider him being washed. Ferrari has given him one of the longest contracts ever for a reason. And I personally don't think he has reached his full potential as a driver yet. I can't wait to see what happens when he does. So yes the season as a whole wasn't the best for Charles but I see great potential in him and I intend to stick around to see him live up to it :)

[blorbocedes]

okay, your anon/nico thesis has really got me worked up because it's so true! i am also rewatching the 2016 season (for fic purposes) and the sky commentary is absolutely killing me. at first i thought it was just my hatred for the british (my country doesn't run their own f1 coverage and english is the only other language i understand so sky sports f1 it is) but these commentators and pundits are soooo biased.

whenever nico has a great race and just zooms off into the distance the commentators talk about how it's just because he's got the best car or it's really easy winning from the front, but i've just watched the malaysia race and when lewis is doing the same thing, just racing off into the distance, crofty and brundle were going on an on about how brilliant he was and how well deserved his win would have been.

equally, when lewis was fighting through the pack throughout races, usually because of bad starts (which were his fault) they would go on about how brilliant he was at overtaking blah blah, but in malaysia, when nico was having to fight his way through the pack because seb ran into him, they went, oh well of course he can, he has the best car on the grid.

also, the blatant lies and conspiracy theories that they promote are ridiculous! in malaysia, lewis complained that it was just his engine that was blowing up, but we literally heard nico's engineer telling him not to push the engine too much at the beginning of the race because they have some issues with it. and earlier in the season, when lewis said oh they switched our engineers for no reason, but we know that toto told them the reasons...

and it's so obvious that the team backed lewis. even when he was on his petty rants about how they supported nico and wanted him to win, not lewis, toto and niki put so much effort into appeasing lewis. at malaysia (still fresh in the mind lol) nico had what was genuinely one of the best races of his career, with some incredible overtakes, and managing to come back from literally last on the grid to the podium, including a time penalty (which the sky reporters were then trying to say wasn't long enough) and in the interviews afterwards toto and niki spent the entire time talking about lewis.

also if i were nico i would have been literally insane after barcelona. lewis took him out because nico was going to get him off the line again, and he wasn't even punished. he took 43 points from the team and got away with it. when nico took lewis out in spa 2014, he at least got points for the team, but was still punished for it. i literally don't know how nico didn't go completely insane over at mercedes.

this rant got really long, lol, sorry about that

no please feel free to go off lol 📣📣📣 I haven't rewatched all of 2016 but I can attest to the sky coverage and the lewis dick sucking fest that goes on roflmao... lewis talking about the team favouring nico is REALLY funny in retrospect. but that is why lewis himself admitted he's a better teammate now than he was in 2016 -- his own words!!!

did you know niki talked about how lewis would tear up his room after losing to nico (which he then paid for), then merc made him officially retract his statement 😶

i mean. nico did go insane lol, the training and full focus regiment and diet he did for 2016 was nuts. he needed 2 hours of therapy a day!!! and he walked out of a 100 million multiple year deal -- which he'd already signed!!! which means he had to pay a sweet payout for breaking the deal no doubt. but yeah even though he didn't air this part out to the media, it clearly did get to him — he proved he Can be world champion in the right car and now he had a family to go home to. and that's slay on girlboss 🫰

[justaredheadf1fan]

I wish Seb's prediction became true in 2023 and this track disappeared under water right now 🤣

Hola muchachos y muchachas 🤪

It's time to see if I can keep it together and watch this properly. I might die tomorrow morning at work, but who cares.

Quali - Saturday

First few minutes of Q1 not giving much, except for Nico drifting away almost against the wall. We might've had a laugh with this so early...

WHOA KEVIN!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????? Oh my goodness I almost shouted, that was scary, what was he thinking? 😭 Lewis ended up touching the wall, luckily he was super close to the pit lane, thank the stars... AND CARLOS NOW, WHAT IS GOING ON??? And it was just shown how Kevin scratched that wall as well.....

I hate this track. Can someone please stomp some sense into the damned FIA to stop building and using shitty tracks? Seriously, it's not funny anymore. Not justifying them, just trying to see reasons behind such actions. There were not enough images to really see properly what happened and why, so I'm just thinking about my first impressions. Mercedes really needing to rush into the track, what are they doing? They're out right now!!!! Oh my Lance, no.... 🥲

Starting Q2 while yawning so far, right now I'm not quite sure if it's because I'm beat or because this is the worst. Seriously, I think I might be on the verge of dislocating my jaw at this point 🤣

What are Mercedes doing today? Twice now. Are you kidding me?? There's like 2 minutes left, for fuck's sake. Mmmmmm WHAT? Mercedes what the fuck. I'm truly speechless. What was that?

This is far from the team I fell in love with back at the end of 2021, honestly. Not because they're not winning, obviously. But because they're just a shadow of what they used to be and I don't get it, personally. I get that you can mess it up developing such a complicated car with less money involved and new shitty regulations, but as a team doing these kids of things... Unbelievable.

I've checked out. I'm gonna watch Q3, but I'm terribly disconnected and just thinking about having a quick shower and dinner so that I can quickly go to bed. I'm actually falling asleep.

NO NO NO CHARLES NO!!!!!!!! RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID JUST HAPPEN!!!!!!! Oh my god, same place as yesterday, right at the end of Q3... Nope, too tired for this, more tomorrow, and I hope it's a doozy because otherwise I might as well lose my motivation altogether 🥹

Race - Sunday

Well, barely made it after taking a very cold shower, but here I am. I missed all the bullshit going around before the race, thankfully. The shitshow is about to begin. Am I excited? Nope. Do I want it to be short and over right now? Yep.

Very clean start in general, maybe there was something tricky at the back of the grid but for now no clue. Oh, apparently Piastri had a very good start and ate up a few people. Moving on. Sargeant pits because of a broken front wing. No idea what happened. Moving on as well.

Sharl takes Kevin amidst Sid the Sloth's tries and then they both lose position. Tell me again how that car's not illegal 🤣 Apparently, someone made a sandwich outta Lewis at the start. No idea who. Estie Bestie going flying over those turns.

This is just... Meh. Even Alonso and Sainz said to the Spanish media that Fraudstappen would be 1st by lap 25 at most. AT MOST. I mean, if that doesn't tell you anything, I don't know what will. Even they know it's a lost cause already. Pretty sad. And seeing how it's going, he'll be 1st by the time they're on lap 15, 20 at most and I don't think it'll take that long since Carlos is useless.

Meanwhile, Lewis is still P13 and Sharl is P8. Can this be any sadder? Don't think so. Are you really saying that the most interesting thing of this race might be Kevin, Sharl and Estie Bestie fighting? Unbelievable. It's somewhat exciting to watch, not gonna lie to you.

Oh dear God is Carlos really gonna be penalized? I'M FUCKING LIVING RIGHT NOW HAHAHAHA. OH YES, 5-SECOND PENALTY, LET'S GO!!!! If no one can beat the undesirables, at least we have this.

Now Lance and George are being investigating too. Of course I can't have anything nice.

I kinda blacked out for a minute. Not really, it's just... I'm not paying that much attention. This race is complete and utter bullshit. Just like this sport. The FIA wanted Mercedes (Lewis, but saying Mercedes is because that's the team he drives for, basically) out of the way, that's why they pushed these new regulations and instead of making it exciting as they promised they would, they just made RBR untouchable. That's it. No competition, no racing, no nothing. Absolutely heartbreaking, if you ask me. At least for what I gather, Lewis had competition all the way regardless of how crushingly powerful his cars were back then. He competed, not just drove to the sunset and forget about everyone else.

I just need someone to explain to me how the only 2 teams that breached the cost cap and were barely given a slap on the wrist for it, are the teams leading the championship and every single race, and why the fuck no other team is boicotting the sport or doing anything at all because of it.

I'm done with the race. I just hope both RBRs just crash against each other. It's the only chance of anything remotely interesting happening. So Fernando is watching the race ON THE SCREENS. I think that tells you everything that you need to know about this race.

The only interesting thing was seeing Lewis passing Sharl. That's it. Seriously, this needs to end.

I have nothing today after this. Seriously. No words on my end besides what I already said so far.

Good thing there's no race next week, I don't think I would've been able to take it.

Peace out until May 19th or so, no clue when the next one is 🤣

[stillpreoccupiedwith1985]

BTTF Year-End Tag Game!

I was tagged by @cheriboms! Thanks for the tag!

How many times would you guess you watched the first back to the future movie?

Ummm let’s see, I may say about 4 or 5, I forgot. However, I did go and watch it in theaters this year!

Did you get any sweet bttf merch? If so, what!

Okay so I hyperfixated this year and when that happens I start collecting. I got my Loungefly bag from 707 Street (still available!), the Lego DeLorean, a Marty Pop to go with my Doc that I had forever, and a Back to the Future cookbook.

How many cans of Pepsi Free did you chug this year?

None, the only Pepsi I like is Wild Cherry (and better than Cherry Coke). I am more of a Dr. Pepper girl.

What was a favorite bttf fanfic you read this year?

Again hyperfixated, so I devour fan works! One that I go back to is I Jump Off And Into Your Arms (But I Don’t Trust the Fall) by Goddess of Confusion

https://archiveofourown.org/works/49698481/chapters/125443009#workskin

Also It's a beautiful thing (two out of three ain't bad) by @penny-anna https://archiveofourown.org/works/50192956

I am a sucker for wing fics, but I also really love all of Penny’s works!

A favorite bttf fanart you saw this year? (please give us a link, not a screencap/repost!)

All of @future-boi’s work! Also the Animations that @cheriboms makes (especially the one with the audio from Bluey, Cheri you need to do one with the audio of Bandit saying ‘It was the 80’s!’ 😉)

Did you create any bttf fanart or fanfic? If you did, what one(s) are you proudest of?

I am currently working on a multi chapter fic that is a crossover with the podcast called The Bright Sessions, where Marty is getting therapy.

But I have made a one shot called Maybe We Should Get Married in the Chapel O’Love https://archiveofourown.org/works/51528580

It isn’t the greatest fic, mostly I wanted to get my thoughts down and I wanted tooth rotting fluff of Marty and Jennifer.

How many times were you late for school this year?

Okay so I am a teacher! Now we are contracted to be at the school at a certain time and pick/meet the students at a certain time. Have I been late for the contracted time this year? Yes, many times. Was I ever late getting the students? Never.

Did you watch any other movies/tv shows with BTTF actors in them?

SO MUCH CHRISTOPHER LLOYD! He is like everywhere! I was rewatching King of the Hill and at one point I was like ‘that grounds keeper sounds familiar.’ And it is Christopher Lloyd!

Michael J Fox is in my top favorite Disney movie! Atlantis The Lost Empire, I watch that movie at least once a year. I also played a bit of Homeward Bound this year for my students of Chance (the dog Michael J Fox voices) yelling ‘It’s Birdzilla!’

Also Elisabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting. Funny is one point I was thinking of a Jennifer adventure where she is watching Jules and Verne and it turns into Adventures in Babysitting and then I realized, ‘Wait that is the same actress!’

Pat Buttram who was Jeb also voices Napoleon in the Aristocats.

Was there a memorable moment you heard a Huey Lewis song this year?

I heard Back in Time in the car when I was on a weekend trip with other teachers this year and I had so much fun that weekend with them.

How many times did you fall down this year?

At least three, and that was playing kickball with my students at recess.

Did you get to see BTTF: The Musical? What was your experience like!

No.

Though I am working on a trip to New York to watch and go fabric shopping. Legit doing a two day trip. Fly in, see the musical, spend the night, day out, spend the night, and go home.

How many times did your mom retell the story of how she and your father met?

Because I live two hours away, most of the time when we call or see each other. We are catching up with each other. If she tells stories about the past, it is more of my late grandfather. More accurate is how many times my mom tells me about the pineapple story.

If you could describe your year in a BTTF quote, which one would it be?

I think it is a tie with “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” And “I finally invented something that works!” Mostly I was trying new thinks with my teaching and with cosplay.

⚡️LIGHTNING ROUND⚡️ Did you get to: go on any trains, skate on a skateboard, ride a horse, drive a Delorean, run in the rain, go to a dance, hang up a clock, play the guitar, pull an all-nighter, read science fiction, or drive thru Burger King this year?

No, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, kind of, no, yes, and yes.

Your future is whatever you make it! So what are you going to make of this coming year?

Just pull myself out of my funk this year and go out more!

Cause I was late with this if you wish to do this you can!

[tubbietommo]

real question here for someone who never saw primer Seb live, was Seb ever a racist misogynistic piece of **** as Max has been? the fking Seb fans on twitter defend MV0 while ignoring that even when Seb was an asshole he was not raised as MV0 and even when toxic he was never a bad person like this, Seb himself got into this when he chose to defend RB and Massi after the 2021 fiasco, now fans are still defending MV0 behaviour and saying they are the same which they are FUCK*NG NOT.

I think we genuinely need to get away from the idea that Seb was an asshole. An asshole does intentionally things to piss people off.

I unfortunately didn't see Seb in his Red Bull years (started watching in 2015 as a Verstappen fan lol, the more you know), but I would like to say that I've seen enough/ if not everything from his red bull years inside the car and outside. Seb was brutal, he was rightfully so confident, quite cocky and people took the whole 'oh he was such an asshole back then' because the media took all that and made Seb into a villain. Which is kinda funny cause if I watch old Red Bull videos I see literally the same Seb that just retired (only difference is that Seb now decided that there's more to the world than racing and that he has a voice to speak that out).

The only "controversy" outside of the car that I can think of is his interview with Lee Mckenzie about the red dress. But that shouldn't even count cause those two have a good relationship (she even knows his family) and Lee Mckenzie addressed that pretty recently and took that as banter. (I'm mentioning this cause I remember there was a time on here when people just were looking for problematic things, took this Seb x Lee thing and just ran with it. It was pretty dumb.)

I had a disagreement on twitter with one of my seb mutuals about the whole seb asshole thing (note: I was sick, was bored and had nothing else to do lol) and the only thing they defend themselves with is either things that happen in the heat of the moment on track (like saying fuck you to Charlie, calling someone an idiot) like sorry but that's more being a human being with emotions, full with adrenaline and pretty much a microphone under their mouths (and I have the same feelings towards Verstappen about this. Like I don't care if he calls someone an idiot or a dickhead) than that they are assholes. Like as long as you don't use words that you know you shouldn't be using you good. And you can use A LOT of words. And if you accidentally let one slip out of your mouth because it's unfortunately (and weirdly) pretty standard in your country, and people are offended, fucking apologize??? It's genuinely not that hard to say sorry.

The only thing that is the same between Seb and Verstappen is that they race(d) for Red Bull, won championships with them (one less controversial than the other), and they both aren't PR-trained robot's (which I appreciate). But the thing is when Seb raced against his rivals (Alonso and Lewis) it was always done with a lot of respect. I don't like Alonso, and to me he was pretty toxic outside the car. But damn Seb and Alonso racing each other has always giving us some of the most amazing things to watch. Even the past two years I got excited when those two had to fight each other cause you know it would be good without them crashing each other out (always gotta leave that space).

Anyways there's a reason why Seb never said that he saw his younger self in Verstappen and I agree (seriously, if Verstappen was racing for Mercedes and winning championships with them no one would be comparing those two)

Hope this kinda answers the questions you have. If someone wants to add to this go ahead, if someone disagrees go ahead, if someone thinks saying fuck you to someone else is an asshole thing go ahead and call me an asshole caus I've done that plenty in less stressful moments, etc.

[rehcciardo]

The chaos of Silverstone

This one is a bit late but I didn’t had time after the race and my notes were so messy, that I needed to sort them out a bit first.

I think I should start with the drivers parade.

To be honest I actually prefer the truck instead of all drivers seperated in different cars. I don’t know how it is when you are at the track but for watching it at home, the trucks are so much better in my opinion. I love the interviews and I love to see the drivers chatting with each other and fooling around sometimes and all of this is missing when they are seperated of course. But  I still had a lot of fun watching it.

At first let’s talk about how cute Lando looked with his UK bucket hat. I’m not a big fan of those hats but Lando is looking so cute with them <3. I really want him to wear them all of the time xD. And I almost died laughing when they interviewed Lando and Lewis came over to steal his bucket hat! This was hilarious xD. Our Uk boys were in such a fantastic mood and I loved all about it!

But there is one thing I have to admit. I really was afraid that George will fall out of the car because he was standing in this car the most of the time. I’ve seen him landing on the track in my mind already. I’m glad it didn’t happen though.

I also have to talk about Daniel and his old fashioned racing helmet or maybe I better say hat? I don’t know how to call it right but it looked so funny! This guy is such an idiot but in a very good way xD.

The next one I want to talk about is Valtteri. He was literally sitting in the car like a boss. Yeah of course it is Valtteri but it really looked like: “Yeah I’m here and I do not give a single fuck about everything. But I’ll kick some asses in the race later!” I’ll call him Valtteri Bossas from now on. (I’m sorry for that!)

Last but not least one of my personal highlights. Carlos struggling to get out of his car was  so cute and funny and I won’t ever get over this! The way he looked for the right way to get out was pricless :D

Holy shit this one will be  a way too long. I just finished the drivers parade and there  are still so many things coming. There are a few things I have to mention here.

First of all, Sebastian’s hemlet for this race was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen so far. I think it was even cuter than Albons helmet with his pets and this means a lot! He really has got a by his kids designed helmet as a birthday present from his family? God I can’t! This is cuetness overload guys!

The second thing I really loved was Sam Ryder performing the national anthem. Maybe I should tell you, that I’m a passionate ESC fan and seeing two of my passions collide like this was freaking awesome. And I liked his own style of the anthem.

But now it’s finally time to write about the race itself, huh?

The start had been a quiet good one for Max who could pass Carlos in the very first meters. Carlos lost his position without a single chance to fight against Max.

When we talk about good starts, I also have to mention Lewis who did an amazing start as well. I mean it really feels like Mercedes and espescially Lewis are back and are fighting more than ever. And this feels fantastic after the tough start into the season.

Turn one. I don't even know how to start writing about what happened because I'm still shocked. There was this big accident and at first I didn’t know what happend. I just saw George slowing down because he obviously had a crash and suddenly he jumped out of the car to run towards another car. After a short time it became clear that  Zhou had a horrendous accident with George and Albon crashed as well because he tried to avoid the bigger one. The red flag has been waved and I knew it must have been something real serious. I was nearly in tears already because  I didn't know if Zhou was ok and  I  honestly thought about the worst case scenario. The time passed by and it felt like hours until the commentators finally said that Zhou is okay. Of course I was afraid about Albon as well but after seeing a replay of this nasty crash and how Zhou's car was upside down  slippering through the gravel into the barrier and over it....fuck this shit could have ended badly. I'm nearly in tears again while writing about the crash. I'm sooo sooo glad that Zhou and Albon are okay and thank you halo for saving a live once again!

Oh and by the way. Daniel had so much luck to haven't been involved  in the accidents. Albon almost hit him. This was goddamn close. But Yuki and Esteban got involved by it and I think Pierre as well. But at least the could still drive the car back to the pit lane.

And can we please talk again about George who jumped out of his car and run towards Zhou to look after him and checking if he is okay? George is truly one of my heros today! I'm so so sad that he was out after his crash because he couldn't manage it to come back into the pit lane on his own  during the red flag like Yuki or Esteban did. And he looked so sad when he got interviewed. I wanted to hug him so so badly. Much love for Georgie <3

During the red flag, Lewis ran into the Aston Martin garage and my very first thought was,  that Mick may have started a new trend in Canada with sneaking into other team's garages xD

They restarted the race with the positions the drivers gained in the qualifying and this was really sad for Lewis who had this incredible start and he gained two positions  with it already. But due of the positions of the qualifying he was back on P5 at the restart and I was so mad about it.

The fights at the restart were so tight and intense. The fight between Charles and Checo was a really hard one and they had some touchy moments with each other. Due of this fight Perez had to do a pit stop and ended at the back of the field after it and Charles had a slighty damaged nose as well.

Both Alpha Tauri took each other out off track and were almost at the and of the field? Okay actually Tsunoda took both of them out. But it looked nicely synchron. Maybe they should apply on a ballet school? Not me imagine Yuki and Pierre dancing ballet while they are wearing a cute tutu xD

Again Carlos couldn't handle the pressure and made a mistake and Max had the opportunity to overtake him again. Please Carlos  you have to stay focused and not making silly little mistakes when you are under pressure. It's painful to watch. But fortunately for him Max had an issue on his tyres, slowed down and went in for a pit stop. But the issue was still there becaus it wasn't a puncture in one of his tyres but he was still able to stay out even he struggled like hell. But still better as retiring the car.

The next DNF. This time Valtteri. Okay no kicked asses this race. Do someone know what was the problem with his car? I don't know if they said it to be honest. But what a bad day for Alfa Romeo in Silverstone. Double DNF. I'm sorry for them.

Vettel passed Verstappen. VER FUCKING STAPPEN. Yeah of course he was struggeling but who would have thought that something like this will happen this season? Me neither! And I'm so sorry but everytime someone passes Max I have this fucking song on loop in my mind. Pass the Dutchie 'pon the left hand sight xD I like Max. I admire his driving skills and his talent but this song is instantly playing in my head every fucking time xD

Here we go again with another DNF. Pierre had to retire his car. I think his tow accidents affected his car more than expected? This time again I do not remember that they said something during the broadcast about this DNF and the reasons. Maybe my brain was so full of informations and emotions already that it wasn't able to handle more informations? I couldn't  blame it xD

Just right after  passing Verstappen, Ocon's car had an technical issue. Just if his car was thinking: "My job here is done! I passed Verstappen. I've reached all I ever wanted. I'm out, bye!" But of course he parked it on the track and caused a SC. Sir you can't park here! Don't get me wrong I don't blame him. It just fited exactly well to this hell of a race xD

And when we are talking about this SC. Ferrari messed up with their strategy again. Traditions... This is one of the safest things you can cross out on your bullshit bingo every race weekend. Once again they screwd up on Charles because they didn't let him pit. Guys, do you even know that Charles is in an actual fight for the championship with Max? I mean it was great for Carlos in the end but Charles would have needed any single point when Max is struggeling and barely in the points.The SC instead helped Lewis get closer to Ferrari and while Charles tried to keep him behind, he didn't stand a chance on his old set of hard tyres.

The next restart was as intens as the one after the red flag. Thight and exciting fights. And I think a few of them were really close to get under investigation. On of the most exciting fights for me was the one between Mick and Max the last laps. I really screamed at my TV that Mick should not fight this much and rather safe his first ever points in Formula 1. And what should I say? He eventually did it. POINTS. P8! I'm proud of him! I was so relived, when Mick crossed the finish line.

But there is someone else who deserves to be mentioned. Carlos Sainz, who won his first GP. Well done! It really was about time for him getting his first win. The only bad thing is, that this win would have been Charles' when Ferrari wouldn't messed up that much. But I'm happy for him and seeing him on the podium was so wholesome.

The second place for Sergio was incredible, too. He had absolutely one of his best races so far. Coming back  from the end of the field stright onto P2. Fantastic drive Sergio!

I need kind of a "Lewis doing so well" -  appreciation part here. Lewis  did a hell of a race! One fastest lap after the other. INCREDIBLE!!!! And he got another podium!I hope it's not to early to say that Lewis is back in the fight?

This race was full of emotions and epic fights. Exept of the crash in turn 1, this was an amazing and exciting race. But I've been so done after it. I need to get some rest during this week before we are back again in Austria next weekend I guess xD There is nothing more to say besides that I'm so glad that Zhou and Alex are fine.

[libraryofloveletters]

Brothers

In which, Luke develops feelings for Matt’s little sister. 

Luke Alvez x Reader, Brother!Matt Simmons x Reader

Warnings: fem!reader, sibling banter, cm level of case details/violence, mentions of death, guns and gunshots, lots of pining, mentions of pregnancy and birth, kissing.

Category: fluff with a little bit of angst 

Word Count: 3.5k

Author’s Note: combined this request and this request to come up with this :) 

-----

The phone rang at what felt like quite literally the crack of dawn. “What?” you groaned when you picked up. “Where are you?” your brother’s voice filled your ear from the other side of the phone. 

“In bed, where else would I be at..” you pulled the phone away from your ear to check the time “5:56 in the morning?” 

Matt chuckled, “do you know a girl named Jenna Parker?” he asked. 

“I do, why ? Oh god, you're not cheating on Kristy right ? I swear if you’re calling to lie for you Matthew, I'll-” he cut you off.

“Shut up y/n and what did I tell you about calling me Matthew? I’m not cheating on Kristy you idiot, Jenna was killed last night” you sat up in bed, “What ? I saw her at dinner last night” 

“Stay where you are and get dressed. Agents will be at the hotel to collect your team for questioning” he told you. 

“Matt I had nothing to do with this, you know that right ?” 

“I know, standard procedure. I’ll see you later” he hung up. 

You dragged yourself out of bed and got dressed. Jenna’s face kept reappearing in your thoughts, she had only joined your team recently and she was an absolute sweetheart. She was telling you how excited she was to join the team last night at dinner. 

A knock on the door broke your thoughts, you unlocked it assuming that your brother had come to get you. 

This was most definitely not your brother. 

The man at your door had dark brown hair and tan skin.Something about his eyes made you want to stare into them forever, they were a soft brown mocha colour. He had a piece of paper in his hand, his finger ran across the page, “are you.. y/n?” he asked you 

“I am and you are?” 

“Agent Luke Alvez, I’m with the BAU. I’m here to pick you up for questioning” 

“Oh yeah, get me one second” you turned around and headed back into your room, Luke followed you in. “Ever heard of privacy ?” you picked up your phone and a sweater. “Oh sorry, I can’t let you in here by yourself until we processed you” he explained to you. “Lovely” you pulled on your sweater, he motioned for you to head out of the room. 

You stepped out first, he shut your door as the two of you walked down the hallway. “Your last name is Simmons ?” he looked over at you as you got on the elevator. “Mhm hm” you pulled your phone out to text your brother. 

To Matt: On my way now. Your friend is weird. 

From Matt: Who’s my friend ?

To Matt: Handsome guy with the pretty brown eyes, think his name is Luke 

From Matt: stop objectifying my friends, I'll see you soon. 

Luke didn't say anything else to you, the drive to the station was quiet except for you conducting your own little interrogation. 

“How long have you worked for the BAU ?” you looked out the window, 

“About 2 years now. How long have you been swimming ?” he rebutted. 

“My whole life” 

It did occur to Luke that you might be Matt’s little sister. He knew how proud Matt was of you and your swimming career, he also knew that Matt was supposed to see you this weekend while you were in D.C for training. After all, the sweater did say Simmons on the back, it couldn’t be a coincidence. 

Luke walked you into the station, the rest of your team was already there. “Hi, you must be y/n” a tall woman came up to you, she had short brown hair and she looked remarkably good considering how early it was.

“That would be me” you smiled at her, “you are?” she stuck her hand out for you, “Dr. Tara Lewis with the BAU” you shook her hand. 

“Nice to meet you Dr. Lewis” “You too”  

Tara excuses herself from you, Luke walks you over to a waiting area. All the girls were separated for obvious reasons but with nothing else to do, you figured you’d irritate Luke. 

“Why can’t I see the rest of my team?”

“Standard procedure” 

“And what is this standard procedure ?” 

“It’s-” “Stop harassing him y/n” your brother said as he walked into the room. 

You stood up and gave him a hug. It had been so long since you last saw your brother. 

“Hey you” he gave you a good squeeze, “hey” you smiled at him. 

Matt led you to a room and you took a seat at the table. “I can’t do your questioning because I'm your brother but I'm leaving you in good hands” Luke and Tara walked in a few moments after. “You’re leaving me with pretty eyes over here ? I might just get distracted and forget what he asked” you chuckle, Luke looks away but you manage to catch the blush you comment caused. 

“Behave y/n, I'll be back later” Matt kissed the top of your head before walking out. 

Luke and Tara sit across from you. “How did you meet Jenna ?” Tara asked you, “she was on my swim team, she joined a few months ago” 

“Were the two of you close ?”

“Not really, we didn't hang outside of practice but we got along” 

“Is there anyone that would have a reason to hurt Jenna ?” Luke asked this time. 

You paused, something Jenna had said to another one of the girls cause caught your attention a while back. “Not that I know of but apparently someone had broken into her apartment a while back. She was telling one of the other girls and I heard them. She moved from there though” 

“Do you have the address ? I’ll have Garcia check if she filed a report” 

“47 Park Street, not sure what unit was hers” you drummed your fingers against the table. Tara’s phone rang and she excused herself before stepping out of the interrogation room. Luke was also on the phone but he stayed in the room, you took a moment to really look at him. He wore a black button up that fit him far too well for your liking, his hair was messy but not like he had just rolled out of bed, more like his hands had been through it a few times. His tongue ran across his lips while he talked on his phone. Luke's hands rested on the table, he spun the pen on the table around a few times before getting off the call. 

God were his hands pretty, the things you’d let him do to you with those hands

“Y/n ?” Luke’s voice broke your thoughts. 

“Hm?” 

“Do you know if Jenna was seeing anyone ? A boyfriend maybe ?”

“Um no boyfriend but she was seeing a girl she met through our coach” 

“Oh okay, do you know her name ?” 

“Erica, uh her last name started with a G ? I’m not really sure” 

“That’s fine, thank you. I’ll be back” was all he said before stepping out of the room. You watched as he walked out, he stood by the window talking to some skinny guy. 

Your definition of the perfect man was Luke and everything he seemed to be, but you doubted that anything could happen between the two of you. He seems to be ignoring your glances and your flirty remarks all morning. Matt was the other issue, never would he ever let you date anyone on his team, let alone one of his close friends. 

--

“Alvez!” Tara shouts as she meets him up by the suv “Hey, need a ride ? I'm headed to the crime scene” he asks her, she nods before getting in the car. The drive was quiet, Tara kept glancing over at Luke and snickering. 

“Okay c’mon, what is it ?” 

“Nothing” 

“You keep looking at me funny, what happened ? something on my face?” Luke runs his hand over his face, Tara shakes her head. 

“Tara, what is it ?” 

“Luke, you’ve got a crush on Simmons” she laughs. 

“Matt ? I don't have a crush on Matt”

“No you idiot, y/n. You have a crush on y/n” 

“What? No I don't” 

Okay maybe Luke did have a tiny crush on her but Matt would never approve of him dating his little sister and he wouldn't let a crush affect his work life. 

“Alvez, don’t act stupid. I know I wasn't the only one noticing the glances between you two, I saw them since the two of you came in this morning. And that ‘pretty eyes’ comment ? she totally made you blush” Tara chuckled, “she’s into you dude, and you’re into her” 

“She’s Matt’s sister Tara, I’m not gonna do that” 

“So what if she’s Matt’s sister? She’s her own person. Matt doesn’t control her Luke.” 

Luke just hummed, Tara did have a valid point. Y/n was a grown up, she can make her own decisions. So what if Matt was mad at them ? 

God Alvez, what are you thinking ? That’s his sister, you couldn’t do that to him. 

Luke pulled into the hotel parking lot. He followed Tara inside but he wasn’t paying attention. He was there but he wasn't really there, his mind kept wandering back to y/n. 

Oh how he envied Spencer in that moment, he knew that he wouldn't remember how y/n looked exactly when he first met her but he’d keep that memory for as long as he could remember it. Her shuffling feet, her messy hair and her sleep laced voice, she seemed like an angel on earth to him. 

---

“Kid?” an older man shook your shoulder gently. “Hm, what is it ?” you stretched, you must have fallen asleep after Luke left. “you can leave, maybe get some rest when you get back to the hotel” the man chuckled, and you smiled at him. 

“Thank you,” you looked at his badge, “Agent Rossi” you finished your sentence. 

“Please just Dave” he smiled and opened the door for you, you stepped out of the room. “You’re Matt’s sister aren’t you ?” 

“That would be me” 

“He’s outside. He should be able to give you a ride back to the hotel, if not, I'm in here” Dave told you. 

“Thank you, it was nice meeting you” 

“You too kid” he patted your back and headed in the opposite direction. 

You walked out of the station to see your brother and Luke standing by the suv talking about something. “Hey ugly” you poked Matt’s side, “hey tiny” he hit your arm playfully making you pout. “I’m not tiny” 

“oh but you are” 

“shut it Matthew, I need a ride” 

“Where to ?” 

“My bed bro, Dave said I could leave” 

“You’re on a first name basis with my colleagues?” 

“Jealous that they’ll like me better?” you raised your eyebrows and held back a laugh. 

“Oh yeah totally oh my god, y/n please don’t take my friends from me” Matt said sarcastically while giving your shoulder a little nudge. 

Luke chuckled at the both of you and your banter, it was sweet how close the two of you were.

Your sweet moment was ruined by the sound of bullets hitting the suv. Matt’s first instinct was to wrap his arms around you, Luke stood there with his gun drawn and no one in sight except you and Matt. 

“What the hell was that ?” Luke asked, he stepped back taking a look around once more and turned back to you and Matt. “Are you okay ?” Matt asked you with his arms still around you, you nodded. “Are you okay ?” you asked him but your eyes were on Luke. Luke noticed your look and gave you a little nod, “I'm fine, let’s get you back” 

Luke left you and Matt in the parking lot with the keys to his suv before heading into the station to get Emily. Matt drove you back to the hotel, you sat in the parking lot with him for a while, Matt was showing you pictures of the kids and how big they’ve gotten. You had yet to meet the newest addition to the Simmons family, the little one that has yet to be born but it’s like the baby is already here. Matt was so excited even though this was the 4th time Kristy would be giving birth.

“You’re going to be okay ?” Matt asked you as he walked you to your room 

“Yeah, I'll be okay Matt” 

“You know what to do if you need anything right ?” 

“Yes Matt, I'll call my super cool FBI agent for a brother to come rescue me” you laughed making Matt roll his eyes.

“That’s exactly what you’ll do, now you’re sure you don’t want to come back to my place ? Kristy and the kids are at home and I’m sure they’d love to see their aunt” 

“Hm, maybe. Let me get my stuff ?” 

“I’ll help” 

Matt walked into your room and helped you gather your things before heading back to the suv and driving you to his place. “Babe!” Matt called as he walked into the house, “Shh the kids just went down for a nap, they were playing outside all day” Kristy told him, giving him a hug. 

“Is the case over already ?” she asked him, he shook his head. 

“No, just had to bring our guest over” 

Right on cue, you walked in with your bags. “Hey pretty lady!” you pulled Kristy into a hug, “Hey you!” she hugged you back, well as best as she could considering she had a huge bump right now. “Ready to pop yet ?” you laughed with your hand on her belly. “Just about, I told him no more after this one” she gave Matt a look and he just shrugged. 

“I can’t help it, you’re just so-” Matt started but you cut him off

“Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, I don’t wanna hear that” 

Matt and Kristy laughed at your comment, Matt headed back out to work while you helped Kristy make dinner for your little rug rats.

--- 

Luke sat in the conference room when Matt came back. “Hey man, where’s your sister?” he glanced at Matt, “she’s at my place with Kristy and the kids” he told him. Luke let out an ‘oh’ that sounded rather sad. 

“You okay man ?” 

“Oh yeah, I'm fine” 

“Then what’s with the sad look on your face ?” 

Matt sat across from Luke waiting for his answer. Luke contemplated if he could tell Matt what was really on his mind or if he should make up something. Would he be mad if I liked her ? The voice rang through his head over and over again.  “She’s her own person. Matt doesn’t control her Luke.” Tara’s words came back to him. He should just tell him how he feels, he doesn't want to lie to him. 

“Is your sister seeing anyone ?” Luke blurts out much more awkwardly than he’d expected, Matt gave him a weird look. 

“I don't think so, why do you ask ?” Matt looked over at him 

“Oh just cause the case, gotta cover all the bases” Luke lied 

“Are you sure that’s the reason you’re asking me about her ?” 

Did Matt know ? No, he couldn't know. He played it cool. Oh what was he thinking? Tara figured it out, Luke’s sure Matt did too. 

“What do you mean ?” Luke avoids Matt’s stare, instead he busies himself with the papers scattered across the table. 

“You know exactly what I mean Luke.” Luke’s eyes met Matt’s, Luke knew that Matt knew and he couldn't bullshit his way out of this one. “Come on” Matt stood up, Luke mirrored his actions. “Where are we going ?” 

“Just come with me” 

The two men walked out of the station and got into the car. They were now 15 minutes into their ride and Matt has yet to tell Luke where they're going. Luke looks over at him, “I know you like her” Matt says quietly. “I do” Luke replies. 

The rest of the drive is silent, Matt pulls into his driveway. 

“Tell her” was all Matt said to him

“Tell her what?” 

“Tell her you like her, you both deserve happiness. I trust her judgement, she always did know what was good for her and you, I trust you with my life man, I can trust you with her” Matt told him before getting out of the car. Luke stayed in the car for a few minutes gathering his thoughts before headed into the house. 

“Hey” he smiled at Kristy who was in the living room, she looked over her shoulder and smiled at him. 

“Hey Luke, how are you ?” 

“I’m good, how are you ?” 

“Very pregnant” she laughed, Luke chuckled making his way over to her and gave her a hug. Kristy knew why he was there, Matt wasn’t the only one with profiling skills in the house. 

“She’s in the backyard” Kristy gave Luke’s hand a squeeze, Luke had an amused look on his face as if Kristy wasn't supposed to know about his crush on y/n. Luke whispered a thank you to her before heading to the backyard. 

You sat on the swing hanging from the tree, you had been there when Matt put it up. Kristy had a vision of a swing from her tree and Matt being the husband he is, made her vision a reality. The sound of footsteps filled your ears, too heavy to be Kristy or the kids and too light to be Matt’s, you look up to see Luke standing in front of you. 

“Hey there agent, here to arrest me ?” you stick your hands out in front of you, the blush you saw this morning was back. “Kidding Luke, what’s up ?” you asked him, he leaned against the tree watching you swing back and forth. 

“Just wanted to see how you were doing after this afternoon” 

“Oh the parking lot thing ? I'm fine, are you okay ?” 

“I’m good too” 

Silence filled the air, you swung back and forth on the swing while your feet dangled above the ground. Luke stood in front of you, his hands on the rope stopping you from swinging again. You looked up at the man who was looking down at you. 

“I came here to tell you something” Luke says.

“I’m listening” you look at him.

“I like you” he admits.

“That’s cool, I like you too” you reply casually.

Luke gives you a look, only then did you realize that he meant he liked you, as in he was attracted to you and not he likes you as a friend. “Oh you like like me?” you said making Luke chuckle, “yes y/n, I like like you” he admitted to you. 

This whole scene made you feel rather childish in some ways. Your older brother’s friend was towering over you while you sat on a swing like a child and he admitted he had feelings for you, especially after you asked if he “like likes’ you. 

“Well for your information, I don’t like you” you said rather bluntly. Luke’s smile dropped from his face. “Oh okay” he turned on his heels and made his way to the fence, you sat on the swing and realized he wasn't coming back towards you. 

“Luke!” you shouted as you ran after him, meeting on the front lawn, he stopped and looked at you. “I was only kidding” your hands cupped his face, “I do like you, a lot.” you admitted. 

“Do you like like me though y/n?” he asked seriously. 

“Yes Luke, I like like you” you rolled your eyes playfully. 

Luke pulled you closer to him by your waist as he leaned down towards you. You were on your tiptoes, his hands on your hips to hold you before you toppled over. Luke’s lips met yours right as the sprinklers on the front lawn turned on. 

The two of you stood on the lawn, the sprinklers soaking your clothes without a care in the world.

All you could think about was Luke. 

----

taglist: @aaronhotchnerr​ @mac99martin​ @aaron-hotchner187​ @luke-alvez​ @iconicc​ @tclaerh​ @lieberhers​ @pumpkin-reads​ @ssa-holmes​ @katexrichardson​ @sluttytears​ @thelukealvez​ @scandinavian-punk​ @haleymalaffey​ @sunnymulti

[mangoxangel]

I thought I couldn't hate the FIA and RBR more but omg did this gala prove me wrong.

It all just feels so, wrong. It was surreal in the beginning, but now all of this feels like a sour taste in my mouth. A pit in my stomach. A crawling feeling in my skin that won't go away. I don't think it ever will.

I watched an organization, who have been implicit and explicit about the abuse Lewis has been dealt, play the victim. It's like watching a corrupt king cry from his throne, and blame his poor subjects for being poor while he hoards the wealth. I watched an organization of grown adults blame fans and news outlets for the problem they caused. They wanted a broader audience, and now that they have it, they don't like it. How funny!

As a black fan. As a black fan who played sports, I can tell you that what happened to Lewis I've felt before. I've been dealt a hand like that, and it broke me to the point I never played again, a sport that I loved. I knew when I saw Lewis, he felt betrayed, he felt hollow. He felt the true weight of his skin after ignoring it for so long. The cotton feeling in his mouth knowing exactly what happened to him and WHY. I don't know what he will do next when it comes to his career, but I know it's a decision that will cause him pain.

I've seen the same thing happen to Venus Williams, Serena Williams, Simone Biles, Tiger Woods, Jackie Robinson, I could go on. I shouldn't, but I could. And let's be honest, the sports they played would have been NOTHING without them. You can't think of these sports without thinking their names. And that's what Lewis Hamilton is to f1.

People doubt Lewis's skills because they were never sat down at the table and told by their parents that they will have to work twice as hard in life to get half the rewards their white counterparts will get. They didn't live a life where they had to celebrate a Karting victory in the privacy in their car in fear of the backlash.

His most harshest critics would crumble under the weight if they ever lived a day in his shoes. People who call him a cry baby would hide their faces if they had the same virtol aimed at them. Every. Single. Day. How cowardly of you to harass a man you know can't act out like you can. Shame on you! You are so desperate to have your all white sport back you will sacrifice the integrity of your own sport to get it.

My faith in justice is already small as it is, but this, this made it shrivel up in itself more. F1 is not going to be the same, and quite frankly, they should just drop the "we race as one" slogan if this is how they act. "Pinnacle of motorsport"? I highly doubt it, not after this.

[sour--disposition]

Across The Miles

-

harry lewis x fem!reader

-

please check my masterlist to see if my requests are open

(gif from the amazing @sdmngifs​)

You stepped off the plane and were met with the dreary skies that seemed to always plague England. Simon had told you he and JJ would meet you outside of the baggage claim to help you with your bags and take you home.

As soon as you’d wrestled your cases off of the conveyer belt, you walked towards the big exit sign, looking very much like you’d just stepped off of a long haul flight. Donned in sweats and a Sidemen Clothing hoodie with a travel pillow hung around your neck, you weren’t going to be winning any fashion awards any time soon.

“Y/N!”, JJ and Simon called from the other side of the large arrivals hall. You grinned, waving manically at them as you walked over as quick as you could. You dropped you hand luggage down next to your cases and flung your arms around both of them.

“I’ve missed you guys!”, you smiled up at them once they’d released you. “I can’t thank you enough for giving me this opportunity. And letting me live with you guys? I mean... there isn’t enough words to thank you!”, you gushed.

You’d met Simon, JJ and the rest of the Sidemen at the 2017 Upload event and had stayed in touch with them ever since. You’d been planning on moving in together for quite a while, but finding a time when the three of you were free enough to facilitate moving an entire human and her belongings across the Atlantic Ocean was harder than first imagined, but the minute that the three of you had decent schedules, flights were booked, you’d handed your notice in for your apartment in New York and started packing up your things.

By the time you’d been moved into the spare room, your room, it was nearing 5pm. “We were thinking about grabbing dinner with the rest of the guys? They’ve all missed you and I know Freya and Talia are dying to see you”, Simon said from the door frame.

“Yeah, sounds good”, you smiled from where you sat on the floor, surrounded by your clothes as you tried to organise them.

“You don’t have to do it all in one go. Why don’t you grab a shower and get changed and then you can have another go at this once were back from dinner?”, Simon suggested, the exhaustion from the day beginning to become clear on your face. You nodded, putting down whatever it was you were trying and failing to fold and took yourself off for a shower.

Of course, the guys took you to Nando’s. With there only being a handful of the restaurants in America, and none in New York, you made a point of going whenever you were in the UK. “Are you excited to see Harry?”, Simon poked at you from the drivers seat, glancing back at you in the rearview mirror.

“Wait, what!?”, JJ exclaimed from the passenger seat, struggling to turn around and face you in his seat. “What’s this then?”, he pestered, reaching out to shove against your knee.

“It’s nothing”, you said pointedly, glaring at Simon.

“Oi, so Simon knows and I don’t? Bit unfair”, JJ sassed, pulling a face at you.

“Simon knows nothing”, you told JJ. “He’s getting ideas in his head that I haven’t said anything about”, you said, eyeing Simon again.

“So, was I just supposed to ignore one of my best friends’ names popping up, literally non-stop, on one of my other best friend’s phone?”, Simon quipped, raising an eyebrow. “I’m just saying what I see, is all”, he shrugged.

“Okay, sue me, I’ve stayed in touch with Harry. Have you guys forgotten that I’ve literally just moved into the same city as all of you and your friends?”, you snipped.

Simon grumbled in defeat, all whilst JJ’s eyes followed the back and forth between the two of you. He sat there with a massive grin on his face, and you just knew that he wasn’t going to leave this alone over dinner.

When you walked into the restaurant, you were greeted by a round of hugs from all the guys, being given the eye by Simon and JJ when you looped your arms around Harry’s frame. You were hugged by Talia and Freya as well, when the guys finally let you go.

“It’s so good to finally see you again in person”, Freya beamed. “Discord and twitch just don’t do it after being friends for this long”, she pouted, eliciting a laugh from both you and Talia.

The group sat down at the table, smaller groups of people all chattering amongst themselves. “How was your flight?”, Harry asked from the opposite side of the table.

“It wasn’t too bad, I’m kinda used to it now, I guess? I mean, 8 hours is 8 hours so it was pretty dull, but I managed to get a few movies in”, you smiled.

“Oh yeah?”, he asked. “What did you watch? Am I gonna be disappointed?”, he asked you with a laugh.

“Of course you’ll be disappointed, you don’t like watching films”, you laughed happily. “I finally started chipping away at my Disney plus watchlist, so I watched Up and both of the Incredibles films”, you told him.

You kept chatting with Harry, along with Ethan, who was next to Harry, and Vik, who was next to you, until your food came. Once people had plates in front of them, chatter died down significantly, only the occasional comment here and there made itself known.

-

“He likes you too, you know”, Simon commented as he drove the three of you home. You’d been bundled into the backseat, wrapped up in JJ’s jacket as you were practically falling asleep on Vik’s shoulder.

“No, he doesn’t, Simon”, you denied sleepily, eyes drifting closed as you rested your head against the cold glass of the window.

“And how do you know that? He doesn’t even know that you like him, so how could he have turned you down?”, Simon asked.

“Because he’s Harry. I’m just some small timer from New York that you guys seemed to adopt after Upload”, you told him. “Look. I’ll get over it, I just need you to stop bringing it up so that I can actually forget about it and ignore the mushy feelings”.

As soon as Simon pulled the car to a stop, you climbed out and started making your way to the lift. You leaned heavily against the wall of the lift as it hurtled the three of you up to your floor. “Thanks for the coat, Jide”, you smiled tiredly, hanging the jacket up on a hook by the door. “I love you and all that, but I’m off to bed. My eyes are melting”, you groaned, waving your hand roughly in the direction of your room. Simon and JJ only laughed at you, wishing you a good night as you trudged down the hallway.

What you’d quite easily admitted in your half awake state wasn’t mentioned again, much to your relief. You got on with filming you ‘I’ve moved house!?’ videos and ‘Guess who I live with?’ clickbait titles. You started streaming more with the the girls, since you were finally in their timezone, and even dropped into the occasional Among Us stream with whoever was playing that night.

You settled into life in London well. You were surrounded by your friends and you doing what you loved with the people you loved. You’d felt more at home in the short months you’d lived in London than you ever had in New York. There was only one problem, though...

The Harry situation hadn’t resolved itself.

Which is why, when Simon came and asked you if you’d be in a video where he sets you up on a blind date, you couldn’t see a reason to turn it down. Worst case scenario, the date went horribly and Simon got a funny video of it. It wasn’t like you’d ever had to see the guy again.

You sat in front of the camera with Simon. “So, before I can send you on this blind date, I need to know what to look for”, he said.

“Erm - someone who’s funny, easy to get along with, can take a joke. Someone who won’t be intimidated or annoyed about me having quite a few male friends, someone who’s supportive of my career...”, you listed, trailing off when you realised who that described to a tee.

“And what do I need to avoid?”, Simon asked. If he had noticed any similarities of your description to Harry, he chose to keep his mouth shut about it.

“Someone thats going to be ashamed of me and my career or is going to want me to take my attention away from Youtube and Twitch. It’s one of the most important things in my life and I love what I do for a living and I’m so lucky that I get to do this for a living, so avoid someone that’s going to try and come between me and that, I guess”, you told Simon.

You knew that you weren’t going to find the love of your life doing this. It was more than likely going to be another single youtuber that Simon had roped into his video with the promise of a great video title and some decent content. But it would be nice to get dressed up nice and have an evening away from editing software or your stream deck.

Simon had told you where to go and when, he’d also told you to dress “all nice like”. He’d set the date up at a cocktail bar that you’d been wanting to visit since you’d moved to London. You only agreed to it once you confirmed that the expenses would be on him because top shelf liquor was on the bottom shelf in this place.

You picked out a dark green satin dress and paired it with some strappy silver heels. You took advantage of the opportunity and filmed yourself getting ready so that if things didn’t go too horrifically, you could post a ‘get ready for my blind date with me’.

Sitting down and chatting to the camera as you got ready took longer than you’d expected. You were rushing around, stressing about your Uber not being there quick enough to get you to the bar in time.

“I’ll drop you off”, JJ offered, already heading over to pick his keys up. “And that way, if he’s a weirdo, you don’t have to worry about waiting for another car to come get you”.

You climbed into the Porsche, thanking JJ for what might have been the fiftieth time since leaving the apartment. “You can stop saying thank you, Y/N. I offered”, he chuckled as he drove out of the parking garage. “You look lovely tonight, whoever Simon’s got you set up with is lucky”, he told you, sending you a genuine smile.

“Thank you, Jide”, you smiled. The rest of the car journey was shrouded in a comfortable silence, disrupted only by the radio. “I think it’s just around this corner”, you said, pointing out of the front window.

JJ pulled up by the bar and came around to help you out of the car, causing you to laugh. “You don’t have to escort me in, J”, you told him lightly. “Why are you acting like an over-protective dad?”, you whispered to him in a giggle.

“Just trust me”, he told you, rolling his eyes softly.

You kept your arm looped through JJ’s as he walked you down the pavement. As you neared the entrance to the bar, you saw a figure standing outside, looking around nervously. That must be him.

“Harry?”, you asked. You turned to JJ, “I think there’s been a mistake. I’m supposed to be on a blind date”.

“Surprise, I think”, Harry said awkwardly, scratching his arm.

“Look after her, Harry”, JJ told him sternly. JJ dropped a kiss to the side of your forehead. “Call me or Simon if either of you need anything, yeah?”, he said before he turned and walked back to his car, leaving you and Harry alone.

“I promise I’ll say something, I think I’m just still trying to process what’s going on”, you laughed awkwardly, fiddling with the strap of your clutch in your hands.

“I can maybe clear things up over a drink? Simon’s paying”, Harry said lightly, reaching his hand out to you. You smiled and nodded, letting him take your hand in his and guide you into the bar.

Once you’d got your drinks, Harry lead you to the terrace garden out the back. It was decorated with flowers and muted fairy lights, making for quite the romantic atmosphere. Harry pulled the tall chair out for you and held his hand out to help you up before walking to the other side of the table and sitting opposite you.

“I - uh. Basically, I asked Simon’s advice on how to ask you out and he said that whenever he brought me up around you, you shut him down. So he came up with this idea. I totally get it if you want JJ to come back and pick you up after this drink, I just couldn’t not try... at least once”, Harry said, sounding dejected as he finished.

You put your hand over Harry’s that rested on the table. “I won’t be calling JJ, Harry. I’m over the moon to be here”, you told him with a smile. “I only kept shutting Simon down because he’s been trying to interfere since the day I landed in London. I was convinced that you wouldn’t like me so I just tried to... I don’t know... get over it, I guess”, you told him. You could feel the blush creeping up your cheeks as you spoke, hoping it wasn’t too obvious.

“Why wouldn’t I?”, Harry asked quietly, rubbing his fingers over the back of your hand absentmindedly as he did.

“Are you kidding? You’re part of one of the biggest youtube groups, have a successful youtube channel, you’ve been someone for so long. And I’m just... what? A newbie who got adopted by the big boys in London. I never thought you could”, you said, voice dropping to a whisper.

“Y/N, you’re amazing”, Harry boasted. “You’re an amazing streamer and your youtube content is quality. Okay so I’ve been uploading longer? And? It doesn’t mean anything, Y/N. And believe it or not, I like the you I see off camera, you know”, Harry said shyly.

“I guess I owe Simon an apology then”, you smiled at Harry, who took your hand in his.

[ketamineharry]

Hush Little Baby ~ Harry Lewis  Requested: Yes ~ Hello, idk if you’re doing requests rn but your writing is honestly amazing!! Could you do a Harry imagine where he and reader have been together forever and reader gets accidentally pregnant and it’s just baso the journey if ygm? Like telling him, his friends family fans and then baby being born kinda like a time line typa thing ? If not dw I love you so much !!!! And ~ Please could you write a Harry imagine where he has a daughter Tags: Fluff Word Count: 1.5k

It had been a full hour. A full hour of babysitting Rex Minter, Simon and Talia’s first-born child. They had wanted a date night and it was Harry’s turn to look after the little one. Yet, the whole time you had felt a sickness in the pits of your stomach, you were absolutely sure it would fade when you had eaten something. Here you were, a full large domino's pizza down, and the sickness had not faded. Going against your better judgement, you left Harry with the toddler and made your way to the bathroom.

You were acutely aware of the fact that Simon and Talia were planning on having another little one, so you knew that they would be well stocked on at home pregnancy kits. You carefully took one out of the glass bathroom cabinet, and walked over to the toilet. Deep down, you were hoping that you were wrong. That you were not pregnant. You knew for a fact that you were not ready for a baby and if you were completely honest, you knew that Harry wasn’t either. He was a brilliant uncle and loved having the boys’ children around, babysitting for them so they could have date nights, but he was always able to give them back at the end of a long night. You weren’t so sure how he would feel about not being able to do that. Not having the freedom to do what he wanted anymore, because he had to put this tiny life first. It just didn’t seem like the Harry you knew and loved.

The alarm of your phone pulled you out of the deep thought that you had found yourself in. In no world did you think that having a quiet night in babysitting for some friends would lead you into something so life changing. You carefully picked up the little stick from in front of you, taking a deep inhale of breath. Two lines. Positive. Fuck. As you cleared away the rubbish of the box, you slipped the pregnancy test into your pocket.

As you made your way back to Harry and Rex, all you could hear were joyous screams. Harry really was the fun uncle he had promised to be in a Sidemen Reacts video, many moons ago.

“Y/N!” Rex beamed as he ran up to you. “Uncle Harry was saying that I could have a chocolate for pudding. Usually mummy and daddy say no, and I have to have yogurt or a piece of fruit.”

“Oh that’s great buddy!” You reply, trying to force enthusiasm through the nerves and worry. Although you had no confidence in the fact that you were very successful in that. Harry sent you a glance that confirmed your thoughts. He hadn’t bought it for a second.

As you took Rex’s tiny hand in yours, and made your way to the kitchen, you slipped the pregnancy test to Harry, hoping beyond hope that his reaction was a good one. ‘We need to talk later’ he mouthed, increasing your anxiety tenfold.

-

The ‘talk’ Harry had referenced that night, didn’t amount to the negative that you had convinced yourself it would. You had agreed to keep the baby. Surprisingly, Harry was all for keeping the little one. He hadn’t expressed to you how much he had wanted a child, because he didn’t want to pressure you into anything. The fact that it had happened was such an unexpected surprise. A good surprise though!

You had been to a few scans together, watching your belly swell and get bigger as the months progressed. When it came to finding out the gender though, you chose not to find out. So, you had taken to calling the baby ‘Peanut’. Telling the other boys was an experience to say the very least. These were the men that had watched Harry grow up, from a reserved teenager to the extroverted man he had become. You had both agreed on telling them all at the same time.

The plan had been to get the children that had already been born into mini Sidemen FC t-shirts, starting with the oldest and ending with the youngest, your bump. Which would be painted black, with the number five as your little one would be the fifth addition to the Sidemen extended family. As it stood, the line was as follows: Ethan’s twins Oscar and Olivia who he shared with his wife Kayleigh, JJ’s son Morphius who he shared with his fiance Bella and little Rex. Nervously you went and stood next to Rex. Thankfully, with baggy clothes you had managed to hide the fact that you were pregnant. You took a hold of Rex’s hand, more for your own comfort than anything else. As if the reactions of your friends were wrapped up in the little hand of a toddler.

Slowly, you lifted your jumper up to reveal the paint that was on your stomach. Showing the number five that was painted on top of it. Suddenly, there was an eruption of cheers. The girls became overly emotional, which was expected. They had just found out that one of their best friends was carrying a new member of their extended family. The boys crowded around Harry, patting him on the shoulder and taking him in for hugs. The love being experienced in the room was tangible and you just knew that no matter what happened, your child would be growing up in such a loving environment.

Telling each of your respective families had been a totally different kettle of fish, however. This is where most of the nerves were mounting from for you. Your parents had become parents at a very young age, and had made a lot of mistakes, you were terrified of having history repeated. Having a baby in your early 20s, wasn’t the plan. You felt like you needed to learn more about yourself first, and one of your deepest fears was to have this confirmed by your own parents. Instead, the reaction that you received was nothing but positive. Your dad had warned Harry that he couldn’t drink as much beer, whilst your mum had warned you about the severe lack of sleep you were about to get. Overall though, they were beyond excited to have their family expanding. Harry’s parents had cried when you revealed the news to them. His sister, Rosie had got Peanut a little stuffed giraffe which she aptly named Gina.

-

Setting up the nursery was probably the most enjoyable part of the ordeal. Partly because you loved unleashing your creative side; and partly because decorating the nursery came at the latest point of your pregnancy. You had opted for a pale yellow paint for three of the walls, opting for a feature wall which was decorated in a safari print wallpaper.

You were helping Harry with the final touches of the room, you placed Gina giraffe in the corner of the cot, next to the pillow so that your baby always had comfort. Thinking about it, you were sure that you had a ragdoll from when you were a baby at your parents house. It’s funny how it’s the little things that you remember in the biggest moments.

As you turned around to admire your handy work, you felt an immense pressure, causing you to grip onto the cot and double over. You had never experienced anything like this before and you were pretty sure you knew what it was. Your baby was arriving and it was arriving fast.

“Harry,” You screamed, trying your best to stay calm as you knew this was a pivotal moment for the both of you. He was definitely as nervous as you, as he didn’t understand the mood changes, or the pain that you felt. Despite having attended every pregnancy class and read upteen pregnancy books. He had put a lot of opportunities that had presented themself to him on hold for the sake of you and your child as he wanted to be as supportive as possible. Which a meer nine months ago, you would have never imagined Harry doing.

You heard pounding up the stairs, Harry’s usual cheery disposition changing as soon as he saw the immense panic that had taken over your face. “I’ll grab the pregnancy bag, make your way to the car, it's already unlocked.” He informed me, as he grabbed the pregnancy bag from the other side of the room, helping me down the stairs as it had become near impossible to do the simplest of tasks, now that I was carrying our baby.

---

Labour was without a doubt the most painful thing you had ever experienced. It was a quick birth, having arrived at the hospital at seven, and giving birth to your daughter at exactly fifteen minutes past seven. Harry had fallen asleep in the chair in the corner of your room.

Your daughter, however, was screaming blue murder. Despite this, Harry still wouldn’t wake. So, with all your might, you scooped your little one into your arms. “Hush little baby, don’t you cry. We swear that we’ll never leave your side and if we do, remember this love like ours never dies.” You whisper, rocking her into a soft slumber as you placed a soft kiss to the top of her head. Your little family was already complete.

[horansqueen]

Stuck With You - Chapter 34

Chapter 34: Somebody

🡪chapter 1  🡪chapter 2  🡪chapter 3  🡪chapter 4  🡪chapter 5  🡪chapter 6  🡪chapter 7  🡪chapter 8  🡪chapter 9  🡪chapter 10  🡪chapter 11 🡪chapter 12 🡪chapter 13 🡪chapter 14 🡪chapter 15 🡪chapter 16 🡪chapter 17 🡪chapter 18 🡪chapter 19 🡪chapter 20 🡪chapter 21 🡪chapter 22 🡪chapter 23 🡪chapter 24 🡪chapter 25 🡪chapter 26 🡪chapter 27 🡪chapter 28 🡪chapter 29 🡪chapter 30 🡪chapter 31 🡪chapter 32  🡪chapter 33

College Enemies To Lovers AU

characters // masterlist // instagrams // mood board

I never felt like this with somebody I never thought I'd feel like I do I never felt this close with somebody Somebody, somebody but you I never had this rush in my body I never thought I'd feel something new I never felt this close with somebody Somebody, somebody but you

Something 'bout you and the way we fit Like the stars in the night, heat of you on my skin Hadn't known you for long but it felt like years From the second we met I knew things would change

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PLEASE VOTE FOR ME, AM CONVERSATIONS, STUCK WITH YOU, NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS AND MY ONESHOT ON HERE!

NIALL

                                         A few days later, Devon and I had packed in silence. It was snowing and I kept glancing outside the window, seeing her from the corner of my eyes every single time. I knew I had been rough with her and I also knew that fucking her roughly against the wall of public toilets was a bad idea. At that time and with so much alcohol swallowed, It had seemed legitimate but now, I felt like an asshole and I had no idea how to handle it or what to think of it.

It was a good fuck, I wouldn't say different, but definitely not our best. I remembered the first time we had sex and the pictures she took, realizing she had never showed them to me, even if she had promised she would. Perhaps we had been so busy with our ex lovers and fighting with each other that we forgot about how amazing the few days alone at my apartment had been.

We remained silent a lot now and I hated it. I missed the sound of her laughter, her rambles and complaints, her comments while we watched a movie. The only thing I was still aloud to hear were the snores while she slept and I found myself sitting in my bed to listen to them a bit too much, and a bit too late at night.

I wanted to ask her to sit in the front seat with me in the car but I was scared she'd refuse and I was not even sure why it actually scared me anyway.

"Are you gonna ride with Lewis?"

"Mm, I'd rather ride with you." she admitted, glancing back at me before grabbing a hoodie and throwing it randomly in her bag. "Daxia and him are just getting on my nerves with their cute little nicknames and their non-stop affection. Did you know she sometimes pretends to purr? What the fuck?"

I let out a laugh and zipped my bag before turning around and letting myself fall on my bed to sit. "I know, I noticed. I think it's cute."

"Oh you would." Devon chuckled, shaking her head.

"What does that mean?"

She turned around to sit on her bed too, sending me a huge amused smile. It felt so good to laugh with her and feel like she actually cared about me that it made me want to lock the door and not go on that trip, keeping her here with me.

"The first impression you give is like, a fratboy." she admitted with a smirk. "Confident, a bit stuck-up, someone who brags all the time. Basically, you seemed to embody everything I hate in boys, especially those in college. But when we get to know you... you're a romantic, a softie. You've got the biggest heart I've ever seen in someone, and that makes you extremely endearing. That's why everyone loves you, that's the real reason you're so popular."

"Is it?" I just whispered, a bit shocked by all the compliments she had just thrown at me.

"Yes." she confirmed with a nod, sending me a fond smile that turned into a smirk. "Your face helps, too, I have to admit."

"Oh you think I'm handsome?"

She smiled more and tilted her head, nibbling on her bottom lip. "You know I do. Everyone does."

I wanted her to get up, walk to me and straddle me. I kept imagining her sitting on my lap, facing me, before her lips would meet mine. I couldn't stop thinking about my hands traveling on her body and her moaning in my mouth. I wanted her to whisper to me that she loved me while I made her cum. It sounded like the perfect scenario but I knew it wouldn't happen. I had made it clear I wanted more than just sex, and she made it even clearer that she didn't want a relationship. It was a mess, we were fucked, and I hated this situation more than I could explain. I didn't know how to handle it or change it. We had reached a deadlock and I couldn't find a solution.

Louis kept repeating me that she loved me but the more time passed, the less I was convinced. Was it even possible to resist that feeling for so long, especially when the other person is always so close? It didn't seem likely and my fate in the reciprocity of my feelings was faltering.

"My first impression of you was that you were a shy and boring girl." I admitted with a chuckle. "That's why I wasn't sure why I felt so connected to you. I don't think being around people who thinks art is useless is something I could easily do. But you turned out to be so fascinating, talented, funny and genuine. You're also a little cheeky minx, and I love how you don't let anyone walk over you, especially not me. And god knows I tried."

Her lips curled gently and she looked a bit embarrassed but I was not sure why. She licked her lips before pressing them together and finally, she chuckled.

"That's something I had promised myself when I left my old school, that I wouldn't let anyone walk all over me anymore. That I wouldn't be this... this vulnerable, naïve girl with so little self-esteem." she explained with a shrug. "It's nice to know I partially succeeded, even if it's hard to save my own heart, sometimes."

"Sometimes we just don't know how to really save it." I explained in a low tone, looking in her eyes. "Sometimes we just do it the wrong way, you know?"

"I don't know, I'm just trying the opposite of what I did last time." she confessed. I could read in her eyes how sad she was and it broke my heart.

"How does it feel so far?"

This time, she looked up and stared at me for a few seconds. "Not good."

I was trying to find the right words to tell her that she should give us a chance without being too aggressive but I couldn't find anything and after a while, my phone beeped. I sighed and grabbed it before reading Louis' text message.

"Okay, Louis is here. I didn't even know he was gone." I admitted with a frown.

"He's been so weird these days, and absent too. He's always super busy and doesn't answer my text messages."

"I think he's got a girlfriend."

Devon sent me a sad smile and shrugged a shoulder. I didn't know why she seemed so sad about it but I didn't try to find out. It was already hard to accept that she didn't love me the way I loved her, I really didn't need to start being jealous again, at least not of Louis.

"Yea that's one of my hypotheses, too"

We both grabbed our bags and got out of the building quickly, walking until we both spotted Louis' car. I held my breath but my lips finally curled when I noticed a cute brunette sitting on the passenger's seat and glanced at Devon to see her reaction. She didn't seem to think anything of it but I noticed she moved slightly closer to me.

"Look, I got to warn you two, Daxia invited Mandy and Noah, and one of them invited Abby." Louis let out as soon as we got close enough.

I glanced once again at Devon and at the same time, she had glanced at me. We shouldn't even care about Abby at all but here we were, and I was not sure why she was so much of a threat to Devon. Of course, I would be suspicious of Henry only because he's her ex boyfriend, so I could understand the aversion she felt for my ex girlfriend but at the same time, if Devon didn't love me, why was it such a big deal?

"Hey, Dev." Louis let out gently, grabbing her attention. "We won't let that ruin our trip, alright?"

She nodded and pressed her lips together before taking a quick look at the girl sitting next to Louis and then look back at him. "I'm gonna ride with Niall, okay?" she let out gently. "Give you two some intimacy."

She just sent him a fake smile and turned around. I was about to follow her when Louis yelled her name and she turned her head and raised her eyebrows up. "I just... I'm offering you the first drink, okay?"

It took her a while but she finally just nodded and we walked to my car before hopping in it. She threw her bags on the backseat and when I started the car, she immediately reached for the heating button.

"What's wrong? What happened between you and Louis?" I asked as I drove, following Louis' car the best I could.

"He's distant, and annoyed with me." she just shrugged. "People tend to get tired of me at some point but I honestly thought Louis was different."

"Devie, Louis isn't getting tired of you." I just explained, shaking my head. "He's got a new girlfriend, that's it. He's never gave up on me and he honestly could have many times. That's not how he is, trust me."

She remained silent but sighed and turned to look by the window. I would have given a lot to find out what was happening in her head but I didn't dare asking. We weren't back to being close, and we hadn't talked about those rough exchanges of words, whether it was the one we had late at night in the dark street or the one in the public toilets of a bar, and I was not sure we ever would. We could pretend everything was alright all we wanted, it was a lie. She was sad and I was in pain, and pretending we were fine was not going to change anything.

"Apparently, Daxia and Lewis are going to ride with Mandy, Noah and Abby." she finally said, taking me out of my thoughts. She typed something on her phone and my heart jumped in my chest when It made me realize that we were going to be alone again for a few hours. "That's a pretty loaded car." she added with a shrug.

"Not our problem."

"Nope, not at all." she agreed, leaning on the bench and bringing her feet up, placing them against the door of the glove box.

I noticed she had taken her boots off and even if it should bother me, it really didn't. I was in it very deep and I was literally drowning.

"That means we could have gone with Louis, save fuel and a car." she added, turning her head my way and making me chuckle.

"There's no way I'm riding with him. Not in that car. Plus, look at how slow he is. We're following him and it's a pain in my ass."

This time, Devon laughed genuinely and it made me smile. "I don't even ski, you know." she pointed out a few seconds later. "I'm just going because I'm really alone for Christmas this year, but I don't think I'll ski or anything. I brought canvases and paint, I've brought a few books and movies.. I mean I'll join you guys downstairs for a drink at night or a hot chocolate but I've never really been sportive or anything... and even less when it came to sports practiced in winter."

"Alright, no ski time for you. You know, we only go to spend time altogether. Some of us just also likes to ski."

The conversation continued for a while but when it stopped, Devon put music on and I started singing despite myself and she joined me. At some point she just stopped and even turned the volume down a bit. It made me chuckle and I glanced at her only to feel my heart jump in my chest at the way she was looking at me.

"Did I annoy you?"

"No." she whispered, leaning her head in the bench, sending me a fond smile and shrugging. "I just get so many feelings when you sing."

My smile fell and I licked my lips. It brought so many questions in my mind but every time I wanted to ask one, I stopped myself, either scared of the answer or of the way it would make her react. Before I knew it, we parked and took our stuff out, following Louis and his girlfriend in the hotel. We were walking in the lobby when Louis moved closer to us without looking at us.

"Look you two don't be pissed but, I sort of put both of you in the same room." Devon frowned while I raised my eyebrows and Louis just groaned. "Don't blame me. First off, the rest of us are sort of in relationships. I think Abby's got a room by herself so if either of you want to switch room to be with her, be my guest. Anyway, it's not like you two weren't used to share a room, right?"

We stopped near the counter but neither me or Devon had mentioned anything. Louis turned to us this time and his eyes moved from me to her and he finally rolled them. "Look I'm sorry, I just honestly thought you two would be dating by now."

I cleared my throat, feeling suddenly a bit uncomfortable, and noticed Devon bringing her shoulders up and wrapping her arms around herself, showing she felt pretty much the same. We had planned to meet in a few hours at the restaurant but it's only when Devon and I entered our room that my jaw dropped.

"I can... sleep on the floor if you want." were the only words my brain could form and express and it made Devon chuckle.

"Don't be silly, the bed's big enough for both of us." she replied, putting her bags near a side and taking her coat off before placing it on a chair. "Besides, it won't be the first time we share a bed."

Flashbacks of us cuddling in the bed of my apartment appeared in my mind and I blinked a few times as if it would make the memories even clearer. We had spent many days sleeping in the same bed but somehow, at that very moment, it felt totally different. I wondered if Louis had asked only for one bed for us because he honestly thought we were going to be together by now, or just because he's an asshole. Either way, it didn't change anything and I walked in the room to put my bags down.

I got ready to join our friends but when I got out of the bathroom, I noticed Devon in sweatpants with a book in hands. It made me frown and I grabbed my phone and my wallet, glancing at her.

"You're not ready?"

"Mm, no, I think I'd rather stay here." she admitted with a shrug. "I'm not really hungry anyway. Besides, I'm not really in the mood to see your ex girlfriend."

"Legit." I admitted, raising my eyebrows and nodding. "Do you want me to bring you something back?"

She looked up from her book and leaned her head against the pillow behind her. It made me want to kiss her and tell her once again that I loved her. It made me want to stay in the room to spend the whole evening with her.

"No, thanks, that's very sweet of you." she let out gently. "It's late anyway, I'll probably be asleep when you'll come back."

When I came back, however, she was not in bed. I frowned, realizing the lights were still on, and found her laying on the floor in a fetus position. She had put papers on the carpet to be sure she wouldn't make too much of a mess and she probably had forgotten her easel because her canvas was on the floor. I smiled when I noticed she still had a brush in hand and even more when I realized she fell sleep using yellow paint.

I turned to look at her panting and finally noticed the shades of orange and red all over it before crouching down to have a better look. I couldn't explain how good it felt to see her use other colors than dark grey and navy blue, and it made me wonder what exactly it meant. I took the canvas slowly and gently, placing it on the desk in the corner of the room before walking back to her and getting on my knees.

"Devie, hey, come on, let's get in bed okay?" I helped her up and she groaned, leaning on me and still half asleep.

I brought her in bed, laying her down and she quickly curled up again as I brought the covers over her. I got undressed and got under the blankets too, turning my body her way to look at her, my head leaning on my pillow. She looked peaceful and I noticed dried paint on her hands and forehead, wondering how long she had been asleep. The whole time I was at the table with my friends, I regretted not staying in the room with her but somehow, I knew she probably wouldn't have painted if I had been there, and the result was totally worth it.

"Mm, Niall."

I held my breath when she whispered my name and something twisted in my stomach. For a second, I wondered if she was awake but she started snoring softly again and I exhaled when I realized she had literally murmured my name while sleeping. It was the cheesiest thing ever and at the same time, I had never heard anything that made me happier.

"Don't worry Devie, I'm here." I whispered back. "I'll always be."

[hotchley]

like blood underneath your fingernails

Honestly, I’m quite proud of this one. It’s been in the works for a while, and I finally have a title (from Looking Too Closely- Fink) and I both did those flashcards and emptied the dishwasher, so it’s here now. It’s been proofread!! Once. In the car.

The writers (according to the internet) did not deal with the aftermath of Scratch’s initial... thing. So I took it upon myself to write the case after. It got dark, but I had fun writing it. And it has low-key Mortch vibes... a lot of other amazing writers have also written fics linked to this, so you need to read those too because they’re just the best

OH!! This is not a Rossi-friendly fic. I have tried to explain why he responds the way he does, but it does come off as Rossi bashing, so if you reallllly love him and think he was a great friend to Hotch... skip on this one.

Trigger Warnings: dissociation, aftermath of torture, a slight reference to suicide and child death, canon-typical violence, cases involving kidnappings and murder, blood, dark themes, other canon-typical darkness, hallucinations

read on ao3!

He cannot close his eyes.

Because when he closes his eyes, he sees one of them, falling to the ground as the light leaves their eyes and the life leaves their body because his worst fear has never been his own death. It has always been the death of the family he is meant to protect- whether that was Sean, or Haley or the team. 

He hears the fear in JJ's voice as Spencer, her little brother, the boy that has always been too young, the man that he has never succeeded in saving, falls to the ground, eyes never opening again. 

He tastes the horrifying and coppery tang of blood as Derek is shot right in front of his eyes, the blood splattering onto his cheek and every sentence Reid has ever spoken about the bacteria and pathogens in blood springing to the forefront of his mind.

He smells the bitter and disgusting sage that Peter Lewis uses to torment people and turn them into brutal murderers that cannot stand the sight of their own hands or wrap their heads around their actions because they had always been normal and good, and it hurts because he's already a killer, never once normal or good.

He touches the knife that was slid towards him, the metal cool against his warm hand and the weight a comforting thing that make him feel like he could regain control of the situation he was in, despite the thoughts of George Foyet that fill his mind, and he wonders whether Scratch is impotent.

He closes his eyes and he no longer knows what is real.

It is why he is returning to work only ten days after the case. He had wanted to take the usual five, terrified even of that small number because he couldn't trust himself. The doctors that assessed him in the hospital wanted him to take thirty. Ten, and a passed psychological evaluation, had been the compromise.

He wonders if the team knows how he lied. They must do. They aren't stupid. He wonders if anyone will call him out on it, or if they'll once again be so terrified of the humanity he wants nothing more than to cling to that they will simply watch and wait until he shatters again.

The steady ticking of the clock is the only noise in the otherwise silent apartment. When he flicks the light on, he sees there are still five hours until he needs to wake up. For a single moment, he closes his eyes, contemplating whether or not attempting to sleep is a pointless exercise. He swears he can still taste sage and opens his eyes again.

A silent house is not necessarily a bad thing. It means Jack is sleeping through the night, no nightmares about the gunshots haunting him. And it means the extra locks on the door, the obsessive way he checks every window is locked as soon as the sun goes down, are doing their job at keeping the monsters out of the only home Jack has real memories of.

Aaron creeps out of bed, grabbing the jumper that was folded at the foot of his bed. Once he's put it on, he sighs to himself and counts to five. For each number, he tells himself a fact that cannot be disputed. That grounds him.

His name is Aaron Hotchner.

He is forty-four years old. 

He is standing inside his bedroom, in his apartment, which is located in Virginia.

The windows of that apartment are locked from the inside.

Just down the hallway, his son is sleeping peacefully, untouched by the monsters that strangle his father every single day.

He creeps down that hallway, taking comfort when the same floorboard that always creaks does just that. Normally he would avoid it. But lately he's been finding every opportunity to do something that Peter Lewis would have no knowledge of, if only so he can convince himself he's fine.

Jack's door is slightly open, allowing some light to enter. Aaron nudges it gently, making sure he doesn't wake Jack. The door doesn't make a sound, and his son carries on sleeping. He never looks so similar to his mother as he does when he sleeps. Haley slept on her left side, a slight smile on her face, and Jack does the same, unless he has a bad dream.

But even then, he is so much like his mother that his tears can be turned into something beautiful. Aaron was the exception of their little family, having always expressed his emotions so honestly, the few times he let himself do that, that there was no way it could be anything but ugly and human.

He's too big for the chair in front of Jack's desk, but he sits in it anyways, turning it so he can face Jack's bed. On the table is his latest art project- a collage of things that remind him of the people he loves- and Aaron finds it difficult to look at. Because his son has painted his mother as a perfect angel, and his father a superhero.

One day, Jack will realise his father is the furthest thing from the superhero and he will hate him for destroying his childhood and taking his mother from him before he was old enough to understand that people were mortal. Aaron is mentally preparing for that day- there are already so many letters that will never excuse or justify what he did hidden in his office drawer- but until then. he will allow himself this one good thing.

He will allow himself to sit, and take comfort in the steady rise and fall of Jack's chest. He ends up staying there until sunlight starts to stream through the window, and then he takes his leave. 

Seeing Jack, sleeping so calmly and normally, reminds him of why he's going back to work. Because if he hurts the wrong person there, the team won't hesitate and they'll do it. If he hurts Jack- and he knows he's weaker than the man that refused to harm his son, knows that it will be Jack- there will be nobody there to end his pain and suffering. He'll be forced to live with it.

A minute before his alarm is set to go, he turns it off, and then he goes about morning like it is any other day. 

He doesn't feel like himself till he puts the watch Dave got him when became lead profiler on, tightening the strap till it mirrors the feeling of holding the knife. And he wonders whether the team are discussing his return to duty the same way they had six years ago. 

They are. Aaron's absence meant more paperwork for the rest of them, as there is no way the team are going to let him handle it when he comes back, so every single one of them are in an hour earlier. It also means his return will be as smooth as it can be.

Even if they don't all approve.

"It's only been ten days," Derek says. "He needs more time."

"Does he? He came back thirty-four days after George Foyet stabbed him in his apartment and his wife and son were sent into Witness Protection, and he was fine. This is like child's play compared to that," Dave says, fiddling with a paperclip.

"Ex-wife," Reid corrects quietly. 

The three of them are sitting in the bullpen, looking towards the elevator every few minutes. Kate pretends she's not listening, and Derek pretends he believes her.

"Was he fine? He looked us in the eye and asked why a man that had lost his wife and child was still alive. He walked into a hostage situation unarmed. We all pretended he was fine because we needed Foyet to strike, but I'm not making that mistake again. Not after what happened when he did end up striking," Derek snaps.

Spencer swallows. Dave just raises an eyebrow. It's almost funny. Spencer views Aaron as a father, Dave as a son. Either way, they both believe he is perfect. Able to come back from anything and everything with nothing more than a broken ego. But Derek remembers what Foyet's body looked like, and he remembers how Aaron had shattered in his arms for those few seconds.

"If you want to ruin his first day back, then be my guest. But you need to trust him the same way he trusts us. After all, you care more about him than you do your job," Dave says, annoyance bleeding into his tone.

And Derek gets it. He really does. He had wanted to believe Gideon was invincible when he came back after Boston. Everyone had. So they hadn't done anything, and he had just gotten more and more reckless with his actions until innocent people ended up dead and Hotch got suspended. And then he ran. 

He isn't going to let that happen again.

"This isn't about not trusting him. This is about keeping him safe. And you're right. I do care about him more, because the last time I didn't, he almost retired. So we either do the opposite of what we did last time, or we let history repeat itself."

"Derek, you can't force him into anything. He passed his psych eval, so Cruz can't do anything either," Spencer says. 

Derek softens as he turns to him. "I know pretty boy. It's not about forcing him into anything. It's about making sure he knows that we're here if he needs more time, or if he needs a break. And don't get me started on that psych eval. I saw his answers. They're too perfect. He's lying."

"So what are you going to do?" Dave challenges, and not for the first time, Derek wonders how Aaron kept his sanity working with him, Jason Gideon and Max Ryan at the same time without any of the other members to meet his eyes with the same exasperated look every time one of them reverted to the old fashioned way of doing things.

"Be the friend he trusts me to be," Derek says. It's his own challenge. Dave prides himself on being the only one to call him Aaron. To people outside the team, Rossi seems to be the only one that Aaron trusts enough to be vulnerable with. 

But Derek knows better. Aaron will never be completely open with anyone, but he still feels like he has a duty to be the hopeful and undamaged boy that thought he could save the world that Dave recruited. He still has a duty to be the father that Spencer never had and thought he'd found in Gideon. It is only with Derek that he allows himself to do his own type of falling apart: one that is contained and messy and ugly. Somehow both terrifying and anticlimactic

It was Derek that stopped him from running into a burning building all those years ago. It was Derek that was voluntarily told about Haley leaving. It was Derek that stepped up as Unit Chief and pulled him off Foyet's dead body. Not Dave and certainly not Spencer. So he won't let them influence his actions. Not this time.

Hotch does blink. But only when he thinks nobody will see him do it.

Dave keeps eye contact for a few more moments, but this time, Derek does not break it. Eventually the older man turns around and heads to his office. Derek sighs, knowing fully well that Aaron is going to end up doing the paperwork anyways.

"Is he going to be okay?" Spencer asks, sounding so painfully young that Derek has to look at him to remember he wasn't the new recruit anymore.

"Dave? Yeah, he'll be annoyed, we'll get a case and then everything will be fine," Derek says, smiling so Reid doesn't worry.

"No I meant Hotch. Will he be okay?"

Derek can't tell him the truth. "Of course he will. He's Hotch."

"Why are you lying to me?"

He knows there's no point in trying to deny it. "I'm not trying to patronise you or keep you in the dark. It's not that. It's just- I don't know. It's stupid, but I want to shield you from his mortality and flaws and imperfections for as long as is humanly possible. You are always going to have a different relationship with Hotch because of how much younger you are, and I just don't want to be the one that ruins it."

"So you want to protect me?"

Derek nods. "I guess."

"Thank you. Nobody ever did that when I was younger," Spencer says.

Kate breaks the ensuing silence by asking for Spencer's opinion on her consult, and Derek starts watching the elevator doors again. They don't open until precisely nine, when Hotch steps off, dressed in the same suit and tie he wears every second Monday of the month, carrying his briefcase and acting like nothing happened.

He gives them a slight smile as he passes them in the bullpen, and even those few seconds are enough for Derek to see that he hasn't been sleeping.

When Aaron sets his briefcase down, Spencer looks to him, nervous. Derek gives him a small smile, even though they all saw him as he entered. It's only been ten days since they last saw him, but his suits seem to hang from him more than before. Dave looks out at them, and Derek starts to count.

He counts to three hundred, and is immediately struck by just how fast time can go. Three hundred seconds is five minutes, and yet it feels like no time has passed. But when Hotch looks out at them, as he always does, everyday, without fail, ten days feels like a lifetime.

He is terrified as he stands, but he fights through the fear and goes up to his friend's office. The door is open, so he walks in without knocking. When Hotch looks at him, he closes both the door and the blinds. Hotch swallows as the sound of them closing fills the air.

"I don't want them profiling this conversation," he explains.

Aaron just nods. "Thank you."

"You don't need to pretend with me," Derek says.

Aaron looks away, and Foyet's presence, usually contained to the self-deprecating voice in his head telling him he's no better than his father, seems to fill the room. They both know why he doesn't pretend anymore.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"You don't need to say anything. I don't expect you to tell me the truth, because I wouldn't, if I was you. I'd be too terrified. But I remember what it was like seeing Spencer and Emily. So if you do want to talk, then I'm here. Always. And I won't flinch."

Aaron knows this to be true. When they finally got back to Quantico after Jason's death, Derek found him sobbing in the men's bathroom, the barriers he had spent so long piecing together completely breaking when he opened his drawer and found a photo from the early days, where Jason looked happy and hopeful. He hadn't said anything. Just sat beside him, and offered a tissue. 

"I know you won't."

Derek sighs, not sure what he's meant to do. "Aaron-" he starts, not sure what he's going to see next.

"I can't trust myself. I- I don't know what's real, and I keep trying to do the grounding things that the bureau therapist said I need to, but I don't know if they're working. I have post-it notes all over the apartment and I have my five facts, and I have things I can touch, but Scratch knew so much, I can't- I feel like he's everywhere and he knows everything."

It is so honestly vulnerable that Derek wants nothing more than to flee, if only so he can cling to the Aaron that existed when he first joined the unit for just one more moment. But he made a promise. And he has no idea how he's meant to keep it, but he's going to.

He holds his hand out. When Aaron doesn't take it, he leans over the desk, gently linking their fingers. "I'm here. With you. Scratch can't get our body temperatures perfect. He can't know that I'm always slightly warmer and you're always colder. He can't know that twelve years ago, I called you darling because I didn't realise it was you."

Aaron chuckles slightly. "Derek."

"You don't need to say anything. I messed up after Foyet. I won't do that again."

He shakes his head, finally meeting his eyes, and the fire in them is almost enough to convince Derek that everything is going to be fine. Almost.

"You did everything you could after Foyet. If you had tried to do more, I would have stopped you. We both know that. You did everything right, everything perfectly right and you cannot feel like you failed because you didn't. Do you understand me?"

Derek swallows. “Yes. But you need to understand that if you need anything- and I mean anything, whether it’s for me to take the reins for a bit, an unofficial firearms certification, or even just to do the grounding techniques with you, I will.”

Aaron nods. “I know Derek. I know. Thank you.”

Derek gives him the most convincing smile he can, leaving the door open because Aaron hated having it closed. As he exits. Dave steps in, and he sees as Aaron morphs back into Hotch to be the man that Dave needs him to be. It hurts to see, but he understands why it happens.

He doesn’t believe in God. He hasn’t for a while. But he needs to do something other than stare at dead bodies, so he prays that the team remain grounded for a few days. Not for too long because then Aaron will get suspicious and realise that Derek had been forging Rossi’s signature in order to transfer their out of state cases to other teams, but long enough for him to get settled once more.

Or as settled as he would ever be.

It’s probably why, only minutes after Dave leaves Hotch’s office, smiling, whilst the other man just looks exhausted, JJ comes rushing into the bullpen. There are five files in her arms, and she looks frantic. 

“No,” Derek says.

“I’m sorry, but we need to go on this one. It came directly to me. It’s- just look.”

He doesn’t want to, but as JJ goes to give the files to Dave and Aaron, he does, if only so he can gauge how much support he will need. And as he opens it, he understands exactly why they’re going on this case. Why, even if JJ had tried to hide it from Hotch, he would’ve said they had a duty.

They have four victims. All blonde women. All mothers. All divorced. Killed by a single gunshot to the head. No evidence of sexual assault, but they were held captive and tortured for three days before being dumped in their home. All found by their ex-husbands, who were only there to drop the child off.

Hotch does not show an ounce of humanity during the journey there. It terrifies Derek. Hotch only refuses to show how human he is when he’s close to falling apart. Too close for anyone to feel comfortable. Instead, he keeps his tone detached and professional. Derek pretends to not notice the way Aaron pushes down on his stomach, over the biggest scar Foyet left. Aaron pretends he doesn’t see Derek watching him.

When they get to the station, Derek knows it’s going to be a long case. Him and Reid are sent to the coroner’s office, whilst JJ and Kate are tasked with searching through their victims history. Which means Hotch and Rossi are left to interview the husbands. JJ and Derek- the most attuned to Hotch and the thought behind his actions- make a silent agreement that they will do whatever it takes to make sure Rossi doesn’t go too far. Whatever that means.

They fail because they don’t get the chance to speak to him before they leave the precinct.

And when they return, Dave is nowhere to be seen, and Aaron is sat in the conference room, clenching his jaw and hyper focused on the details in the case files.

“Did you get anything from the husbands?” JJ asks, tone gentle.

Hotch shakes his head. “They’re grieving, and terrified for their children. But they’re not guilty. They all loved their wives.”

Nobody bothers to point out all four couples were divorced.

"Where's Rossi?" Reid asks.

The tension in Aaron's shoulders increases.

"Hotch," Kate says, the only one that can.

"He accused one of the father's of committing the crime," Hotch says.

JJ and Morgan give each other identical looks. Kate looks horrified, and Spencer is stunned speechless.

"What happened after?" she prompts.

Hotch doesn't speak. Kate sighs, then leads JJ away. As she passes Spencer, she asks him to follow her because Hotch and Morgan need to speak alone. He nods and leaves without another word.

"Aaron," Derek says.

"I ended the interrogation and dragged him out of the room. And then I punched him in the face because those women remind me of Haley and those fathers remind me of myself and every accusation he made reminded me of the months after her death and I couldn't do it."

Derek wants to punch Dave himself. He must have known what he was doing, and in some strange and obscure way thought his actions would help the situation. Clearly he couldn't have been more wrong.

"You didn't cause Haley's death," he says, for lack of any other words.

"I did. Maybe I didn't put the gun to her head and pull the trigger, but I did cause it. That's not what I'm scared about though."

"What are you scared of then?" Derek asks, well aware that they're in the middle of a police station where anyone could hear them, but needing to take advantage of Aaron's vulnerability before he let his mask slip back into place.

"Scratch. I punched Dave and it felt like Scratch was laughing at me, egging me on to hurt him more. The worst part is that I almost did. Punching him felt good, and then I panicked and now I don't know- I don't know whether the only thing I did was punch him or if I did something more."

Derek curses under his breath. "How long have you been feeling like that?"

Hotch shrugs. "I couldn't- I forgot what time it was when I stumbled back here. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he says, the words almost reflexive because of every apology Aaron has ever given him. "We just need to ground you."

He takes Aaron's hands, noting that the muscles are moving the way they should be. It's a small thing, but it's a good thing, because it means he's wearing the wrist support when he needs them and doing the physical therapy.

“Look at me,” he commands softly.

Aaron does so willingly. “Derek, we’re in a conference room.”

“That’s good. Can you give me four other facts that prove you’re here, in this moment with me?”

"My name is Aaron Hotchner. I am forty-four years old. We are in a police station. You are Derek Morgan. There is a door behind you and a window behind me- the window is locked, but the door is wide open. We can both see if someone walks in."

"Show off," Derek teases.

Aaron manages to smile slightly. “Thank you,” he whispers after a moment.

“You have nothing to thank me for,” Derek says. He means it.

This time, Aaron’s laugh is self-deprecating. “I’m a horrible person to look after.”

“Not to me you’re not. How do you feel now?”

He shrugs. “Better, I guess.”

“Drink some water. Slowly. I’ll go check on Dave.”

“Do you think he’s going to hate me?” Aaron asks.

“You’re the closest thing he has to a friend. Of course not,” Derek says. He keeps his tone light, but deep down he’s afraid that Dave will. Not forever, he could never do that, but for long enough that something else goes wrong.

He finds Dave in the bathroom. 

“Hotch told me what happened,” he says.

“And what? You’re here to tell me that I shouldn’t have pushed because he’s fragile and hurting? Did you tell him that he shouldn’t have fucking punched me in the face because of something I said to a suspect?”

“Those men were not suspects and you know that,” Derek snaps. He sighs. “I wasn’t coming here to tell you that you shouldn’t have pushed. I came to see whether or not you were okay.”

Dave raises an eyebrow. Derek sighs, again.

“He saw Scratch when he punched you. Now he’s worried. And he’s falling back into old patterns. I told him he didn’t kill Haley and not only did he not believe me, he flat out disagreed and said he did.”

“What do you want me to do?” Dave asks. He doesn’t sound angry, just tired. Derek wants to shout at him. He may be tired after this one event, but he’s not been the one picking up the pieces and gluing their fragile leader back together for the past few years. Dave doesn’t get to be tired. Not whilst Derek is still the only one able to do anything.

“I don’t know Dave. You’ve known him the longest. It was you that found him in the immediate aftermath. You took the gun from him- rather poetic given the last time an unsub targeted him, you told him to take yours- and got him to speak.”

Dave blinks a few times. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I thought being hard on him would bring him back, but I was wrong.”

“It’s okay. You just need to correct yourself now,” Derek says, for lack of any other words.

“I just want him to be the boy he was when he first joined the unit,” Dave whispers.

Derek did not know the boy his friend was then, but he does know the Aaron that existed before Boston. The Aaron that held a baby Jack in their arms like that one small child was enough to remove every piece of darkness to exist. The Aaron that had grabbed Haley’s hand and taken her dancing so they could spend a bit of time together.

"We all do. But he's gone now. The only thing we can do is try to save whatever pieces of him live in the Aaron that is sat in the conference room, beating himself up over something that was not his fault because of your misplaced comment," Derek says. They have a killer to catch. There's no time to entertain this.

"I know. Thank you. For doing what the rest of us are too afraid to," Dave replies. Derek shifts uncomfortably under the weight of his gaze. 

Something about the dynamic between the two men has changed, and everybody has noticed.

"Somebody has to," is all he can say, before he leaves Rossi to wash his hands and search for the man that had promised Aaron everything he could ever want, all those years ago when he first recruited him for the BAU.

There's an empty glass of water beside Hotch when Derek returns, and he's silently thankful that for once in his life, Aaron listened. He's deep in conversation with one of the police officers, so he refrains from making any comments, but when Aaron turns back towards the table, he goes over without a second thought.

He tells himself it's because he wants to know what happened just then. Because he wants to know whether or not they have any more information that can be used to their advantage. He tells himself it has nothing to do with the fact that learning about the case means he doesn't have to focus on the minute tremble of Hotch's hands. Doesn't have to see the hollow look in his eyes- a look of a man so defeated that he has no reason to try anymore.

The problem with being a profiler is that you rarely fall for anyone's bullshit- including your own.

“Did the officer have some additional information?” Derek asks.

Hotch hears him, obviously, but does not respond.

“Hotch,” he repeats.

“No. He didn’t. He wanted to know why you were holding my hands.”

Derek rolls his eyes. “And what did you say?”

“That ten days a man that managed to turn people that would never dare hurt another person into horrific killers drugged me, causing me to hallucinate the deaths of the same people that are solving his case for him, and as a result, I cannot always tell when things are real,” Aaron deadpans.

For a moment, Derek honestly can’t tell whether or not he’s joking. Then Aaron gives him the smallest smile, and he relaxes slightly. The last thing they need happening is officers spreading even more rumours about the types of cases the BAU work on.

He starts to reply with a joke of his own, then sees Aaron’s smile fade away like it was never there. He wonders how instinctive the action is- how many times was that little boy told he was too much, and how many times did he fade into the background like he didn’t even exist?

Without turning, he knows it’s Dave.

“I’m going to see if Spencer needs any help,” Derek says.

For a moment, it seems like Aaron is going to beg him to stay. But like most of his displays of humanity, it passes in a second, and then he simply nods, not even trying to fight.

“Aaron,” Dave says, walking over with purpose.

“Rossi don’t. Please,” Aaron pleads.

“What you did was stupid. But my actions were also uncalled for,” he says. It’s the closest he’ll ever get to a proper apology. Aaron accepts it because there’s not much else he can do. Dave pretends it’s going to fix everything because it’s the only thing that will get him through the case.

“Do you seriously think the fathers are to blame?” Hotch asks.

Rossi shakes his head. “Not anymore. I just needed to be sure.” He also needed to be sure that Aaron was fine, and given his response to Rossi’s accusation, he can’t say he’s convinced.

"Good," Aaron says, and the smile he gives Dave is so small and subtle, but so full of love, that for a single moment, the older profiler is able to convince himself that the fragile collection of skin and bones in front of him is still the hopeful boy that joined the unit. But then the moment passes and he's left feeling worse than before.

When the team come back, picking up on the cues that both Hotch and Rossi laid down, they go back to acting like nothing is wrong. Like the women in the photos are victims that deserve justice, and not the mirror of the same light they failed to save five years ago.

There are no breaks in the case, and they return to the hotel defeated and miserable. Budget problems mean they're doubling up. Part of Derek wants to switch rooms with Dave so he can keep an eye on Aaron, but the bigger part of him knows it would be a terrible idea, so he texts him saying that if he needs anything, no matter what time it is, he'll be available.

Aaron mouths the words thank you once he's read the message. Derek counts it as a win, and he tries to remain calm when Dave texts him saying that when he entered the shower- after Hotch- although the water dial was set to be normal, the water ran hot. Too hot.

He refrains from commenting the next morning, when Aaron clasps his glass of freezing water like a lifeline. In some ways, it is. And he knows what it's a sign of. He isn't sure whether it's caused by something in particular, or if he's just overwhelmed, but the hotel dining area- where Kate and Spencer would both hear- isn't the place to ask.

They get to the precinct, and it becomes clear that nobody there has slept. Another woman was found dead a few minutes before they got there. The father and son are sitting in the same conference room the BAU were working out of. For a moment, Aaron looks like he's going to kill the person that sent them there. The lead on the case quickly intercepts, saying they moved the boards and evidence files, and he relaxes slightly.

But before anyone can sleep, he removes his blazer and tie, before unbuttoning his top button and rolling his sleeves up. And then he walks into the conference room. Derek blinks, then it clicks. Aaron looks like a father. Someone both people sat in the room can trust. JJ hands him the information on the file, and his breathing stops for a moment.

The father and son could have been Aaron and Jack. If Aaron's eyes were darker and Jack's hair lighter, they would be the boys smiling in the photo provided with the file. He wants to take over the conversation Hotch must be having, but he finds himself rooted to the spot. How many cases are going to hit too close to home before Aaron gives up? Before it feels like every victim wears Haley's face? 

How many more times can Aaron Hotchner look into the darkest parts of humanity before his hands stop going cold at crime scenes and Derek Morgan needs to take his place in some weird parallel of the events that occurred after Boston? 

When the father and son leave the room, he jumps out of his chair and runs over.

"We will catch this man. And if you need anything, please don't hesitate to contact me," he hears Aaron say.

He sighs to himself.

The father shakes his hand and leaves, guiding his son with nothing more than a gentle hand to the back of his head. He sees Aaron swallow. 

"You know you can't promise things like that," he chastises, not truly meaning it.

"It wasn't a promise. It was a guarantee," Hotch snaps.

Morgan simply raises an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry."

"Want to tell me about it?"

"I told him about Haley, and how I found her. And about how Jack was just down the hallway in my office- the one place in our home that my work touched, even if he never found it- so now he can't be alone on New Years or Independence Day. I only said it because he told me I didn't understand what it was like. To have to do that."

No amount of surgery is ever going to fix the hole in Aaron's heart that Haley's death created. They could plant seeds of love and watch them blossom into flowers of acceptance and fearlessness in every other part of his body, but that one area could never be touched.

Derek knows this. He's seen it before.So he doesn't offer any words, because there are none. Instead, he takes Aaron's arm and he squeezes the elbow. It is Aaron's non-verbal method of saying thank you. So in that moment, it can also be his.

Aaron isn't entirely sure why Derek is thanking him, but he learnt long ago that when someone said something, you didn't push. You accepted their words- whether they were kind declarations of love or as sharp as knives- and you moved on.

When Derek lets go of him, he walks back over to the team, feeling slightly lighter and infinitely more grounded.

Kate tells him another woman had been taken, and the weight he thought he'd been able to let go off settles on his chest like a death threat. There is a single moment where she worries that this will be the thing that causes him to fall off the edge of the cliff he's been standing on for far too long, but then he stands up properly and it's like nothing ever happened.

He doesn't sleep, instead pouring over the case file whilst Rossi gently snores beside him. If Jason had been with the team. he would've somehow realised that Hotch was still awake, and told him to go to sleep. And Hotch would've obeyed. But Jason wasn't with the team. He was dead. And sometimes that knowledge knocked Aaron off guard, so he stopped focusing on that and started concentrating on the woman.

Their break comes the next morning.

Garcia hasn't slept either, and between the two of them, they have a name and a location. Everyone piles into the cars, vests on and weapons ready, because even though nobody had said it, there was no way this is ending without at least one shot being fired.

The door to the building is unlocked, and they have their unsub surrounded within seconds. Hotch suddenly feels like a bucket of ice has been poured over him, causing him to freeze, and the blood to start pounding in his ears. Nothing feels real to him. He tightens the grip on his gun.

His name is Aaron Hotchner.

He is forty-four years old.

He is holding a gun because he is on a case.

The unsub is holding a knife to a woman's throat.

The woman looks just like Haley- no. He cannot think that. Not now. 

"Let her go," JJ commands softly.

"No," their unsub says.

What is his name? And why can Aaron not remember his name?

"If you put that knife down, and let her go, we can tell the courts that you cooperated with us. That'll be nice, won't it?" Kate adds. Her tone is completely level. Calming in a way that it shouldn't be.

The unsub grins, then presses the knife even closer to his victim's throat. She lets out a terrified whimper and closes her eyes. He yanks her hair, forcing her to open then, and he seems pleased with himself.

"I don't care about the courts. I care about the man I'm doing all of this for. He's going to be great, and he's going to make me great too. Just you wait and see."

This wasn't part of the profile. There was never meant to be a more dominant partner. The control Aaron has been clinging to in order to get through this case is slowly slipping away with each piece of information he either cannot remember or is introduced to him. 

"He? Who is he?" Spencer asks.

The man cocks his head. "Is it not obvious?"

Spencer shakes his head. "We're not like you. We need you to explain."

He nicks the skin slightly. Blood pools at the tip of the blade. Another digression from the previous pattern. No knives were ever used to cut the skin. The kills had been quick and clean. Why was everything changing?"

"I won't."

"The only way you get out of this alive is if you explain everything to us. Because this man, he won't make you great. Whoever he is, he only cares about himself. Not you. Certainly not your life. But we care about you. Just set the knife down," Derek says.

Aaron knows he needs to contribute, but he just can't do it. His tongue is like a useless knot in his mouth that he can't undo because his brain is twisted too.

"No," the man says, bringing it dangerously close to the woman's pulse.

"Aaron!" Derek shouts. "You're the only one with a clear shot. You need to take it. Or do something. Do you hear me? You are the only one that can do this. If he moves that knife, take the shot."

Aaron turns in the sound of the voice. Derek is telling him that he needs to take the shot, and he can see why. With the way they're stood, he is the only one that can possibly avoid hitting either the woman or another team member. 

He raises his hands, ignoring how they tremble. Front sight. Trigger press. Follow through. Three steps that he has been following since his days at the Academy. Three steps that mean he has never missed. Never failed.

The man smirks.

Aaron turns to make sure nobody else will get hurt, or can take the shot. But when he looks at Derek, it's not Derek.

It's Peter Lewis.

"No," he whispers, but in the silence of the room, he may as well have shouted at the top of his voice.

He turns to look at the man, and he sees that he is about to shoot Derek Morgan. The one person that has never been afraid of him. The one man that is still good and undamaged by his hands. The one man that can and has led the team without any sort of assistance with him.

"Aaron!" Derek's voice exclaims, but he still wears Mr Scratch's face.

Aaron does not know what is real anymore, but he knows he needs to minimise the damage. The gun falls from his hands, with the safety off. It lands on the floor with a clatter that is too loud to his ears.

Their unsub laughs, once, and slits the woman's throat. She falls to the ground, dead by the time she hits the ground. Derek- real Derek, whose hands have always been warmer than his- fires his gun once. The unsub also falls to the ground with a shout.

Aaron closes his eyes.

He hears his name.

He tastes copper.

He touches his own hand, startled by the coldness.

He sees Derek's terrified face.

He smells sage.

He smells sage.

He smells sage. And then the world goes black.

When he comes round, he does not know where he is. He does not know where the team is. He cannot ground himself in the moment or come up with five facts that prove his surroundings are real. 

He opens his eyes. The team is gone.

And he is covered in blood.

[jjkclub]

before you go

pairing - hoseok x reader

genre - angst

trigger warnings - major character death

word count - 2k words

(based on the song 'before you go' by lewis capaldi)

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"y-y/n.." you heard hoseok say as you locked eyes with him. your throat tightened and your eyes welled up with tears at the sight before you. you and your boyfriend hoseok have been dating for 2 years now and you were happier than ever. since he and the boys had a comeback approaching, he used to come home late, completely tired and wanting to do nothing more than just sleep. 

knowing that he was over working himself unconsciously, you made it a habit to remind him to eat, take breaks and sleep at the right intervals. since your shift ended much earlier today, you had managed to stop by hoseok's favourite restaurant and pick up food for you both as you made your way into the bighit building.

the guards and staff knew about your relationship with hoseok even though it wasn't revealed publicly, which made it easier for you to enter the building without any issues. your first guess had been that he would be in the practice room but when you stumbled upon jimin in the corridor, he smiled at you and informed you that he was alone in his studio.

as you thanked him and made your way over to his studio, you thought you heard some noise coming from inside. you walked closer to the door and found it locked. knowing hoseok's password by heart, you punched in the code and entered the room, your jaw dropping at the sight in front of you. 

your boyfriend hoseok was sitting on his chair with another woman on his lap. he had his hands wrapped tightly around her waist as her hands were curled around his neck, both of them kissing each other passionately as you dropped the bag of food you were holding.

hearing the sudden sound from near the door, hoseok quickly turned around, panting after the make out session when he realised who had just entered. he watched your eyes tearing up as he felt nothing but guilt running through him. 

"fuck, i can explain i swear!" he said, running his hand through his hair in frustration as he pushed the girl off his lap and made his way towards you. "wait…" you heard the girl say which caught your attention. "this is your girlfriend?!" she shrieked out as you saw her guilty expression. she walked up to you hurriedly after she gave hoseok a disgusted look.

"i'm soo sorry, i didn't know that he had a girlfriend. trust me, if i had known, i wouldn't have even gotten close to him. i'm extremely sorry." she said genuinely as she bowed, tears lining her eyes as she realised what a horrible thing she had done. knowing that she was innocent and that it wasn't her fault, you said, "it's okay. i understand. can you please excuse me for a minute?" "of course." she replied as she scurried out of the room. 

once she left, hoseok quickly defended himself, "y/n i promise i didn't mean to cheat on you. it was just one kiss." "JUST ONE KISS?! hoseok i trusted you! i thought you were busy preparing for your comeback, not shoving your tongue in another woman's mouth! you absolutely disgust me!" you yelled out as tears streamed down your face, your head pounding painfully as you looked at the man you once trusted more than anything.

"i'm leaving. i'll have all my things out of your house by tonight. have a nice life." you spat out coldly, each word laced with venom which brought a lump in hoseok's throat. he loved you but he couldn't remember what urged him to kiss that girl. in his state of confusion, he began to think you were over-reacting. as you turned around to leave, he grabbed a hold of your wrist, pulling you closer to him as he shut the door behind you. 

"yah, what the fuck do you think you're doing?! don't you dare touch me. let me go!" "y/n stop over-reacting goddamnit! it was just one fucking kiss! just forgive me this one time, i swear it won't happen again!" at his outburst, you felt anger surge through you. 

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING JUNG HOSEOK?! IT WAS JUST ONE KISS?! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU FOUND ME MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY?!" you screamed at him, yanking your hand out of his grip as turned around and opened the door "don't you dare come near me. we're over. i never want to see you again." 

you rushed out of the room, tears running down your face freely as you reached the exit of the building and ran out. you didn't know where you were going or where you wanted to go but you knew that you didn't want to be anywhere near him. unbeknownst to you, hoseok was running behind you, trying to grab a hold of you and beg for forgiveness. as you kept running, you didn't notice the signal change colour as you ran across the road. 

you started to feel dizzy from all the crying and exhaustion but you pushed yourself to go to the other side of the road. deciding to call your bestfriend and tell her that you wanted to stay over, you quickly turned to pull out your phone when you noticed a bright, blinding light shining on your face. you raised your hand up to your face to shield your eyes from the harsh light and before you could process what was happening, you faintly heard a voice calling out to you before everything turned black.

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hoseok paced around the small waiting room, crying as he waited for the doctor to come out and give him he news. the news that you were fine and you'd live. a few minutes prior, hoseok saw you get hit by a car, your once warm and bubbly self now lying cold and lifeless surrounded by a pool of your own blood in the middle of the road. at the sight, hoseok felt his soul getting sucked out of his body as he started screaming and crying for help, desperately carrying you in his arms to try and save you.

he managed to get to a hospital quickly but little did he know, he was too late. as you were quickly placed on a stretcher and rushed inside, hoseok was asked to wait while the doctors tried to keep you alive. in the span of minutes, the rest of bangtan had arrived at the hospital to keep him company as paparazzi flooded them, trying to figure out why the biggest boy band in the world were in the hospital. 

the tension was thick in the cramped waiting room. hoseok was now seated on the floor in a corner, holding his face in his hands as he cried out, repeating the word 'sorry' over and over again. namjoon and yoongi had tears in their eyes as namjoon couldn't stop his hands from shaking violently. you were like a sister to all of them. you had been there to support them since the beginning and the thought of never seeing your cheerful face around the dorms was terrifying. 

jimin and jungkook were crying almost as badly as hoseok. they loved you a lot, some might think they loved you more than hoseok did which made it harder for them to process your accident. you were always protective over them, despite you being younger. you always spoiled them and played games with them which made things hurt a million times worse.

jin didn't speak a word at all. he simply couldn't bring himself to. in his eyes, you were the most beautiful, kind hearted and loving person that they had ever encountered. you were always willing to help him with any sort of chores and never said no to anything which he admired about you. he had his eyes shut tightly as he muttered soft prayers over and over again, hoping that you'd be fine.

unlike everyone else's hard state, taehyung was beyond confused at why everyone was crying and waiting at the hospital. when he first heard the news, he couldn't help but laugh. ah, our y/n is back to her silly pranks again, he thought as he entered the car, thinking all of them were going to go for practice or for dinner. when they stopped infront of the hospital, he sensed something bad was happening. now, as he looked around at all the member's crying faces, he couldn't help but burst. 

"yah! what the fuck are all of you crying for?! is it because of that prank y/n is pulling? are y'all that dumb, hyungs? she's just started her stupid pranks again! why do we have to come to the hospital for this?..." his words slowly fading as he took note of the hard expressions on all of their faces. "it is a prank… right?" he asked once again, this time, feeling unsure of his words. 

"taehyung-ah…" yoongi started as his voice started shaking. "it-it's not a prank… y/n has seriously met with an a-accident." taehyung felt his eyes watering at yoongi's words. "hyung, stop it. it's not funny at all. STOP LYING!" he yelled as he felt a few tears roll down his cheeks. "WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE AT THE HOSPITAL THEN, HUH?! WHY DO YOU THINK HOSEOK'S SHIRT IS COVERED IN BLOOD AND NONE OF US CAN STOP CRYING?!" yoongi shouted at taehyung and started sobbing uncontrollably, falling to the floor as he wrapped his hands around his knees and rocked himself slowly. 

taehyung still couldn't believe it. how could his precious y/n have met with an accident? he wondered as he finally started to believe his hyung's words. he started to cry, gripping his hair in his hands as he hoped this was all a dream. he couldn't take it anymore as he stood up, running towards the door of the room you were getting treated in as he started banging on the glass, unable to control his emotions anymore.

after a few minutes, he slowly slid down to the floor, and continued crying into his hands. minutes felt like hours as all of them waited for the doctor to come out and update them about your condition. finally, the door creaked open as everyone's eyes darted towards the door, hoseok rushing to his feet as he stood infront of the doctor. he looked like an absolute mess, his hair was all over the place, his eyes red and swollen from crying and his lower lip bruised badly as he couldn't help but bite them in frustration.

"i'm really sorry to say this but, she's gone." the doctor stated with a crest-fallen expression. the exact words hoseok had been praying not to hear was being told to him, almost mockingly as he burst out in tears again, his heart aching terribly as he pushed the doctor aside and walked into your room. he saw your face and couldn't stop yelling out 'i'm sorry''s as he held your hand tightly. the same one on which he wanted to put a ring and claim you as his forever. 

he could barely recognize you. your usually warm hands were stone cold and your skin was pale which made him feel a pang in his chest. despite the deep gash down your neck, he noticed your lips turned upwards in a slight smile as he cupped your cold face in his hand, crying hard as he felt his world crash around him. 

he felt guilt running through his veins. would none of this happened if i hadn't cheated on her? would she still be here with me if i had held her closer, just for a moment longer? he wondered as he knelt near your bed, his throat going sore as he kept crying and screaming out to you, hoping you'd wake up and tell him that you were okay, you forgive him and that you both could have your happily ever after now but he knew that it was impossible. 

maybe he doesn't deserve to be happy, he thought as he curled his hands into fists, hitting his forehead repeatedly to try and wake him up from this nightmare he was living in cause he couldn't live with the guilt and pain. 

you had died for a mistake he had made, and he could never forgive himself for that.