#the indifference to being hated is fine & even useful but that obsession with being liked is a real self esteem issue

[fen-luciel]

Baby fever 2

Here part 1

Another standalone story.

(C/n)= child name

Warning: breastfeeding

You, Qimir and a hungry baby.

I was worried. It was a feeling I hated experiencing, especially in my current physical condition, but I couldn't help it. I stood at the entrance of the cave with my arms crossed under my chest, using a crate as a chair, and wearing one of Qimir's ponchos to shield myself from the biting cold.

The evening hours were terrible because of the wind, and even worse when it poured like this. The sea was so rough that the largest waves nearly touched our ship near the rocks, yet in front of me, on the small stretch of beach that remained, Qimir seemed indifferent to everything.

He had long since removed his rain-soaked shirt, the wind tousling his hair that had escaped from the small ponytail he could manage. A continuous cloud rose from his lightsaber, where the water evaporated on contact with the heat. He continued to train tirelessly, he was probably sweating, although it was impossible to tell with the rain. The sky was dark with clouds, and the early evening hours came quickly during winter. I could barely see his silhouette illuminated in red by his lightsaber. I wanted to call out to him, but there was so much wind, and between that and the crashing waves, it was impossible to make myself heard. I hated seeing him like this, but as much as he denied it, he was angry.

I thought about getting up and trying to signal him when some gurgling interrupted my train of thought.

Turning, I noticed (c/n) waving their little fists in the air from his cradle, the blanket rising as he kicked erratically. I quickly stood up to reach him, not noticing that Qimir had stopped to watch me go back inside. Fortunately, the cave had been equipped with numerous heat lanterns to make the place more comfortable, at least around the cradle.

"My sweet baby, I'm here... mama's here" I cooed and gently picked him up, resting him on my chest. I wrapped the blanket around us to cover him as best as I could and then began to gently rock back and forth.

Everything about parenthood was still new to me. I struggled to understand what they wanted unless it was an obvious situation, but the diaper seemed dry, and his cry was fairly calm, so I was sure he was fine. The last thing we needed was for him to catch a cold, or worse, while we were in such a precarious situation.

I sat on the bed to take off the poncho and, as I laid him back on my chest, realization hit me when I saw him sucking on my shirt. "Of course" I whispered to myself in an irritated tone. Obviously, he was hungry, and I was just too stupid to realize it.

"You should stop being so hard on yourself, we're both stressed out" Qimir's sudden voice made me jump. (c/n) in my arms loudly protested at my movement, and I held back another curse at myself as I tried to distract him with soft, wet kisses on his cheeks.

Thankfully, at least this I knew he loved, and soon enough, they started gurgling happily. I heard Qimir chuckle as he approached us.

He stripped off his soaked clothes and left them near the heat sources, grabbed a towel, and began drying himself quickly. I stole a quick glance at his naked backside, but I held back from commenting, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of doing so in front of our child, even though it was obvious he wouldn't remember.

He slipped on a pair of soft night pants and, with the towel still on his head, took (c/n) into his arms, cooing at him, while I began to remove my shirt and bra.

"My sweet baby is hungry, aren't he?" he cooed, holding them up securely under his arms. "I bet you just want some of mama's breast, I understand, I'm obsessed with it too—"

"Qimir!" I interrupted him with a slight blush on my cheeks. "Stop saying those things." I moved to the head of the bed to lean my back against the wall, where the cushions gave me some relief. Qimir gently handed (c/n) back to me, and I nestled him in my arms close to my chest.

It was adorable to see him open his mouth like a little fish searching for the nipple. It always made me chuckle, and if he wasn't so hungry, I could have watched him for hours.

I moved the nipple, already leaking milk, close to his mouth. He sniffed the air quickly before latching onto the flesh like lightning. The sensation of breastfeeding was something I still had to get used to—the feeling of fullness in the breast that was being emptied and the wet grip of a newborn's mouth on sensitive skin was... peculiar. Certainly something quite different from the grip Qimir gave me anyway.

"Look at him, he takes after his father" he joked, watching us before leaning down on the bed. He gently pushed me forward as he slid between me and the cushions, his muscular arms tight beneath mine, lifting part of the burden of the weight from my arms.

"I don't think so, he doesn't bite" I whispered, feeling almost compelled not to raise my voice too much and break that moment of intimacy.

"As if you don't like it" he whispered in my ear with a husky tone, then moved to kiss the skin behind my ear languidly. The shivers made me tremble slightly as I half-closed my eyes.

"That's right, relax" the kisses moved to my neck.

"You're the one who should relax" the implication of that statement hanging over us.

"I'm fine. We'll be fine. We'll lay low here for a while, and when (c/n) is well-fed and safe for hyperspace travel, we'll go to a secure home." Another kiss on my neck.

"You just need to worry about our baby, I'll take care of the rest." He leaned in more to kiss me on the lips, his eyes half-closed before we separated. I sighed, more relaxed, as I lowered my gaze once more.

(C/n) was eating peacefully, eyes closed, a trickle of milk falling from the side of his mouth, and his little hand opening and closing against my chest. Qimir extended a hand over him, letting him grasp his pinky in a tight grip. We both couldn't help but smile.

At least for the moment, safe from the storm outside, I could pretend that we were all right.

[aquanova99]

Hellooo how are you??? Could I request a Alec Volturi x fem! Mate/gf! Reader where Jane hates(despise) reader thankss don't forget to rest!!♡♡

I did do a fic like this here, but I am trying to start rewriting my old work in hopes to make them better 🤞

I think at the beginning he is going try and hate you. If his sister dislikes you it must be for a good reason. It will be in fact solely due to the fact that the volturi took you in almost instantly due to your own gift (anything mental, asphyxiation, matter manipulation, literally anything)

In fact he will be straight up cruel to you, and if he is extremely attracted or interested he will ignore you entirely

You have to offer no reaction or they will think they are in the right.

He would definitely not admit to Jane that he likes you in any way

He’s listening to your conversations, waiting for anything to prove you couldn’t possibly be as amazing as everyone seems to think.

But as he waits and waits he doesn’t see anything that would give him an actual reason to hate you

So he slowly starts to be in the same areas, at first he only speaks to the others. He finds he’s annoyed you aren’t speaking to him, but soon Jane comes and throws more vitriol your way and he sees why you would be wary.

He hates that when he goes near you you leave if there’s no one around, and he hates even more that you’re all he thinks about when he’s alone.

He eventually decides to at least try and be cordial when he is around you and see if anything changes

You only offer short responses, why would trust anything he says right now. You try to not let his hurt expression get to you, neither of them has been shy about threatening to use their abilities on you. They were lucky you didn’t use your own gifts on them for all the shit talking they did

Unfortunately one of these curt responses is caught by Jane, “I suggest you be more respectful to my brother.”

You roll your eyes and continue about your business, you’re surprised when you hear Alex speak up, “sister please. Everything is fine.”

“I don’t need you to fight my battles.” You start to walk away but then the pain wracks your body somewhere you hear a voice

“Jane. Enough.” Alec fails to hide the urgency in his voice. Jane stops immediately and while she knew some of the others would check on her Alec being the first next to her, the concern on his eyes infuriated her. She believed you were a poison. First the leaders and now her brother

Unfortunately for Jane this is probably when you’ve had enough and you give her a taste of her own medicine and when Alex says nothing to this well… the only reason she doesn’t try to kill you is because of the leaders fr

After that Alex apologizes for his part in what happened, and you decide to try and let him in, after all maybe he can help you not have Jane hate your guts

He starts putting more of an effort and as much as you’re wary he can be very charming and you can “fix” him

Then as for dating it’s mostly this once he is comfortable

Jane doesn’t try anything as long as Alec is there besides glare at you but Alec is hardly ever not with you and he knows he to have an arm around you and glares back. Jane is tempted to use her gift on him a few times but she knows better

The siblings have several arguments but at the end of the day you’re off limits now. He does try and get her to apologize but for awhile the best you’re going to get is indifference from her.

You’re going to have to save Alec’s life before she considers you a person so sorry, but while Alec still loves his sister he’s been waiting for and dreaming of a connection like this his whole life

He never thought anyone would see him as anything more than a witch twin and he is obsessed with you

[whateven333]

What you prefer bonnie going dark with kai or kai being redeemed for bonnie?

I think, and forgive me, I feel like I’m always picking answers that are kind of in-between (I’m a “little” bit of an indecisive person lmao) but I like when they’re sort of a mix of both.

What I mean by that is like for Bonnie’s character, -I think she’s not as “good” as the show tries to convince us, and don’t get me wrong I think this is a positive because it makes for a more interesting/ complex character, -well it would have if the writers actually acknowledged it and did something with it, instead they kept her boxed away as some sort of “saint-like” figure (with none of the respect) but I think they did that in order to keep her away from any of the fun action in the show that the other leading ladies were allowed to be apart of, -like getting romantically/ sexually involved with villains, being careless/ misusing her powers for selfish reasons (like how the vamps in the show got to be reckless/ indulgent with their powers) without consequences, going to parties/ balls whatever and just being there to look pretty in a dress and have fun etc. and I think the writers liked to describe her like she’s “too good” as an excuse to leave her out of storylines that would allow more development for her character and to neglect writing for her character unless they needed to use her as a plot device.

But even though Bonnie is selfless etc, she’s still done plenty of morally questionable things in order to protect her friends (who are mostly killers) so the “too good” thing the writer’s tried to pin on her is pretty stupid and an obvious ploy to keep her away from being a part of more interesting storylines.

So because of that I think although Bonnie is kind of a mostly ‘good’ character, she’s also at least a little bit morally grey? As well as a little dark at times (considering her expression arc, -we know she’ll go to great extremes to do what she believes needs to be done).

Though with Kai I do think he brings out more of that darkness in her and that’s really fun (this concept has been explored in a lot of fantastic BK fanfics and I LOVE IT).

And with Kai, I think that he doesn’t need to be redeemed and actually I think this applies to other characters as well, -like should they even be redeemed ? Do we need to ? I think it’s perfectly fine for darker/ morally grey characters to exist without any sort of redemption arc. I’ve enjoyed redemption arcs before so I’m not against them or anything but I think on TVD it’s been done a lot (though I wouldn’t say they’ve done it well,- also TVD focussed on the ‘her lOvE redeemed him’ trope which I’m not really a fan of, I think it can be one of the reasons a character is redeemed but not the sole reason).

I liked that Post-merge Kai still seemed to have kept his pre-merge traits. I would have hated if they turned him into some sort of strangely good version of Luke, -even though some people insist that’s what he was post-merge and that’s why he was apologising to Bonnie, although that doesn’t make sense since the merge is not supposed to erase him- Kai’s meant to just be himself but with emotions now and Luke really did not have any serious connections to Bonnie to make him care that much about her.

One of the things I like about BK is the intense way they affected each other even when they didn’t want to be affected, even when they tried to act indifferent to the other it was obvious how they were still influenced by each other.

The type of redemption arcs that TVD focussed on had one person changing because of / for the other person. I think with BK they would change each other, both for the better and worse tbh, and that would be so delicious to watch -some of Bonnie’s good bleeding into Kai’s bad and vice versa.

And it would be an unwilling change for the both of them that they would probably try to fight tooth and nail, but regardless of what they want, their mutual obsession would inevitably lead them there.

So all that to say... I'd prefer them to mutually destroy each others perceptions of their own self-concepts and egos 💖

And I mean if that isn't ✨️True Romance✨️ then what is 💕

Thanks so much for the ask ! this was interesting to think about, I tried to answer this earlier but I couldn’t decide which I preferred and ended up kinda in the middle after all anyways… 😭

[hella1975]

as someone who is extremely queasy and the thought of blood and gore makes me want to power wash my brain, can I ask genuinely what it is about cannibalism that is so intriguing? I swear that I’m not judging I’m just curious bc personally it’s one of those things that I absolutely refuse to let my brain think about

omg yes i can actually 100% so basically it shows a lot in my writing but im a fan of the extremes of human feeling like it's insanely compelling to me to consider the things we do when pushed into the darkest corner of a single emotion, be it love or hate or fear or anger or grief etc etc. we are a deranged species and we do deranged things when we feel too much of any one thing and it's the concept of extrapolating on that until you reach a point of it being too far, too much, too extreme, and the implications of that. we have cannibalism as one of the ultimate taboos, something that is rightfully so abhorred in society that many respond with horror at even the thought of it, and i actually like that about it. i like that we all - like you said - feel a certain repulsion to the initial thought. it's a biological knee-jerk because your brain fundamentally does not want to look directly at it. for the greeks, cannibalism was one of the greatest sins, greater than even murder, because kronos ate his children and zeus himself had no power over such a crime. to talk about the house of atreus again, the crime was so great that for atreus to subject his brother to it meant they were BOTH damned as a result, despite atreus himself not eating anyone. that's how extreme it is. you are inherently blurring the lines between people. there's supposed to be a victim and an aggressor, but when the horror is so unthinkable, what are you left with? most crimes are ingrained into us with strict responses and punishments, but with a crime this great, even after centuries of it featuring in our literature, we still can't look directly at it. that is ridiculously compelling to me.

so that's the bad, more literal side, but then we have love as consumption. again, this is considering the human reaction to a level of obsession and love so intense and unsustainable that it leads you to consuming each other. it's mutual destruction. it's being so tied to another person, so reliant on them, so adoring of them that the only way you can tolerate it is to put them behind your ribs and keep them, like a house keeps its occupants. the act itself - tasting, swallowing, savouring - is erotic. arousal exists in the heights of violence. the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference, because love and hate are actually more similar than they are different. rather than opponents on a battlefield, they're dancers seperated by a single, fine line, never becoming one another but fingertips brushing, sharing air. loving someone so much you feel crazy, you feel restless in your own skin like it's trying to crawl off of you; hating someone so much that you can't stop thinking about them; sex and violence as intimate acts shared with another person - love as consumption tackles these dangerous crossovers, because the love becomes so intense that it slips into traditionally hateful actions, violent actions. cannibalism; the great taboo. yet done by someone who genuinely sees it as an act of love, received by someone who views it that way. both so entangled and deranged by this single shared emotion. again, insanely compelling to me. and that's not even considering the implication of one person seeing every part of the other. back to your point and what i said about cannibalism being something we cant even look at, you're getting the most disgusting, unseen parts of someone and instead of being repulsed, instead of looking away, you're taking them in your bare hands and putting them to your lips. it's reverent it's religious it's- *my laptop is forcibly taken from me*

sucks that i have to say this bc i like to think people have critical thinking skills but i KNOW some mf is gonna anon me like 'STOP ENCOURAGING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS >:(' so disclaimer; this is all just fun stuff to discuss and consider, and personally i talk about it almost solely from a writing pov anyway. if you're listening to ethel cain and unironically wanting to emulate that kind of dynamic then maybe you are too young and/or impressionable to be listening to ethel cain.

[golbrocklovely]

im someone who’s slightly on the fence about malia, i don’t have any super strong opinions on her, to be honest.

im not a fan like a lot of ppl are bc.. what is there to be s fan of? she doesnt make content of her own rlly & we know next to nothing ab who she is in terms on interests and personality.

i dislike the lying she did in terms of that whole onlyfans thing, but i understand why she did lie.

idk i feel like ppl who are obsessed with her are moreso a fan because they wanna appease colby & get on his good side. they dont actually like HER they want his approval.

i definitely think there are fans that are purposefully pretending to love malia just to get in colby's good graces/get noticed by him. that's for sure happening. but i don't think that's all the fans that act like they love her.

(went on a bit of rant, so my bad lol)

i think the reason why malia has certain fans acting like they love her is the same reason why someone like charlie d'amelio blew up when all she did was do popular dances: she's pretty. pretty privilege gets you super far online. i also think malia has a nice aesthetic and that too is why ppl like her. and then on top of that, she's an extension of colby bc she's his gf - so now she's even """"better"""" than she was before. plus i think in some ppl's heads if colby is dating her, she must be a good person bc they doubt he would date someone terrible.

my thing with her is that if you don't have any feelings towards her/are indifferent, that's totally fine and understandable. we don't know her that well. but to hate her is dumb. she just posts her little tiktoks and makes an insta post once a while. what is there to hate about her? you know literally nothing, so why hate?? if she's truly that boring, what is there to hate on?

interestingly, the onlyfans situation pisses me off in a weird way. bc i have to ask, what does the fandom gain from her answering it truthfully?? or really, why was the question asked in the first place?? bc clearly it wasn't being asked in good faith or bc fans were genuinely curious. no, it was being used as a gotcha question. bc a good chunk of us all saw she had a onlyfans link in her bio before colby started dating her. i remember seeing it. but reality is… what does her admitting to having one at one point prove?

it was a double edge sword for her either way. if she tells the truth and admits to having one, a - the fans that hate her will call her a slut, a whore, a sex worker and say she's weird for selling her body online and that's why colby shouldn't date her. or b, "omg she's promoting her onlyfans to colby's underage fans, she's a freak". i foresaw both of those outcomes happening instantly. her saying "no i don't have one" is the best case bc it ends the conversation. so what if she "lied"? who cares? it was a dumb question being asked at her frequently just so her haters could use it as a point against her.

also clearly colby doesn't give a flying fuck and a half that she had one, whether she posted on it or not, bc he was following onlyfans models for YEARS. so… highly doubt he was upset that she had one at one point lol

sorry if i sounded a bit angry at you - i'm not. i just think the onlyfans situation is an annoying thing her haters bring up as if it's proof she's a terrible person or something. like "omg see she's a liar" as if we haven't all lied before. dear god lol

also - and i might as well get this off my chest bc it's about this situation too - is that a group of fans that were hell bent on her bc of that question tried to see if her onlyfans existed still so that they could sub to her bc they 1, wanted to make fun of her for her body and 2, wanted to shame her. and on top of that they were all MINORS. so not only would that have been illegal, it's also double fucked bc body shaming her does literally NOTHING except make her feel like shit. and all of this bc she's dating colby. it has nothing to do with her personality, and has everything to do with shaming her and making her "understand" she doesn't deserve him. when in true reality, this fandom doesn't deserve snc at this point bc of this type of behavior.

[cosmicalart]

Trope grading game

Thank you @artsyunderstudy and @hushed-chorus for tagging me in this.

Actually took me a little bit after work to fill this out as I don't usually think too heavily about why I like a trope, and sometimes I'm in the mood for a specific trope and will look for those tags exclusively, but most of the time I'll read anything that isn't a big nope for me.

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded 0 - don’t care either way +10 -> very enticed nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

Age gap: -9

I wanted to say nope to this one, I’ve never really been in a ship/fandom that had any major age gaps, but ones with larger gaps or when one person is barely legal (18-20) it just puts me right off and gives me creep vibes. However, I didn’t give it a nope because there are some smaller age gaps that are fine, like Penny and Shep, if I remember correctly she’s 19 and he’s 22 when they met, an age gap like that is fine

Codependency: +5

Kinda hard to explain this one, it changes with the context but I do lean more towards being enticed

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: +5

In cases like Simon and Baz, yes, 100% into that, but when it gets toxic or violent then I want nothing to do with it, there is nothing romantic about that

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +3

As long as that's not their defining trait, then I do enjoy seeing different dynamics where the characters balance each other out, plus I find even relationships irl tend to have some opposite differences to balance them out

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: +10

Absolutely, I eat this shit for breakfast, but it does have to be done right (like Snowbaz) they have to bond and actually fall for each other, not just be physical attraction and that's it, you can’t just have the characters hating each other and literally trying to murder the other only to turn around and bang it out

Friends with benefits: 0

I’m indifferent, I mean if it ends with them being lovers and there's some angst then hella yeah, but if it’s just friends banging it out for no reason and then happen to date because of it then no thank you

Sex to feelings: 0

As someone who is demisexual, this is a bit hard for me to grasp, but that doesn’t mean I won’t read it, sometimes I’m just really in the mood for smut and this can have the potential for some good hurt/comfort

Fake dating/relationship: +9

Now I really love this if done well, and I have read some really good Snowbaz fics with this premise and wish there were more (I may attempt to write one myself but idk if I’d be able to do the trope justice), but it can sometimes feel a little surface level and frustrating in the “why don’t you just communicate and everything would be better” kind of way

Friends to lovers: +6

This can be really fluffy, or extremely angsty and I’m down for both

Found Family: 0

I like the concept in theory, especially for Simon, his friends are his family (and once he learns about his actual family them as well) but I see this as more of a platonic thing and not so much as a romantic trope, and it can a lot of times be used to gloss over the trauma from biological family when found family isn’t some magic bandaid

Hurt/Comfort: +10 For everyone who’s read carry on, do I really need to explain this one

Love Triangle: 0

Depends on the ship, technically there was a love triangle between Agatha, Simon and Baz. I like it in a more light-hearted way where no one gets hurt

Poly, open relationships: -5

I’m perfectly fine with open relationships, and certain situations get a pass (Someone wicked for example) but I’m pretty monogamous and when reading a ship I usually look just for those two characters. I will say in previous fandoms I have read really good poly relationships so I might read it

Mistaken/hidden identity: +5

I think this would be a funny trope that could be done more, if done right. I have read a few wrong number texting fics that I will count as mistaken identity and they can be great

Monsterfucking: +5

Depends, I have to be in the mood for smut and it has to be written well because it can very easily turn me away

Pregnancy: -9

Again, another one I wanted to nope on, I click out of anything with mpreg; that just isn’t my thing, if it’s a hot couple or the pregnancy is through surrogacy or something then I have no problem with it.

Second Chance: +10

I need this, this works with hurt comfort. Break-up fics destroy me so I need a second chance trope to mend my heart

Slowburn: +10

No explanation needed

Soulmates: +5

Can be really cheesy which is fine, but if it’s cheesy and just not written well then I have a hard time getting into it, but when it is done well then I love it.

Tags under the cut

I already tagged a bunch of people this morning for wip Wednesday, so I'm just gonna tag a few and leave this open-ended to anybody who wants to try

@cultofsappho @bean-mints @ionlydrinkhotwater @larkral @vkelleyart

[delucadarling]

OC asks! 11 and 13 for Barbie and 15 for Lucas, please! 💕 (~agentnatesewell)

oooo okay. I'll be addressing all of these from a perspective of the Usual AU @crownleys and I play with for our detectives, because I've basically adopted it as my personal canon at this point. In this, Kira is the detective, Bobby's her ex, and Rebecca is her mom. Barbie and Lucas are siblings, both work for the Agency. Barbie meets Kira during the events of Book 1, while Lucas and Kira meet at the tail end of Book 1. He pops up here and there to be a big brother nuisance and make Kira (accidentally) cry.

Barbie

11. What does your OC believe in? God(s)? Monsters? Love? The power of unbreakable bonds of friendship to overcome any obstacle? The ability of money to open any door? Or are they indifferent?

Barbie used to believe in God. When she was 10, her father left the family for another woman and pretty much never looked back. Her mom really struggled at this time and turned to religion for comfort. She'd always been churchgoing, but this led her into fundamentalism. Barbie, who was young, tried to please her mom by being a very good Christian girl who knew every story in the Bible by heart. She decided she needed to believe EXTRA hard to make her mom happy.

Being of a curious nature though, Barbie was always filled with questions. This doesn't mix well with Christianity, and led to her realizing she was better off keeping those questions to herself.

Eventually, Barbie started to notice things about the world that were...strange. No one had answers for her, and she didn't like to ask much anymore, so she just observed. She wrote everything down in her journals, drawing pictures and taking detailed notes.

When she's 15, she manages to track down a Facility, and that's what starts her path towards working with the Agency.

(tossing the rest under a readmore)

13. How important are romantic relationships to your OC? Do they prefer casual sex, short flings, or long term relationships? Do they want to get married or are they content with what they have? Or do they have no interest in romance whatsoever?

Romance is really important to Barbie! She wants nothing more than to build a lasting love with someone else. In truth, she craves the idea of being important to someone. Her ideal would be a lover who is totally obsessed with everything about her. She wants love, marriage, and children.

I like to pair her up with all vampires (though I'd say Mason is definitely her main love interest) so I always get to play with something new and fun, depending on who she's with when she realizes she's fallen in love.

Lucas

15. What places hold significant meaning or memories for your OC? Do they have a positive or negative association with those places?

The house he and Barbie grew up in, in south Georgia. He was 16 before his family really fell apart, so he has good memories there. Mostly because he always had a bike and a group of friends to run around with.

There's a cliff in Germany, near a beach, that Lucas thinks of all the time. He and Adam "fell" over the edge during a mission, and while Adam came out just fine, Lucas nearly lost his leg and is permanently disabled because of it. He can't bring himself to view it negatively. The change in his life was so huge it's just a lot of feelings. He'd definitely undo everything that happened there if he could, but he's mostly chosen to let the bad feelings go. Lucas hates holding grudges, even against the supernatural the maimed him.

[astralsweetness]

I see ur into beyond evil and I need u to know that I'm obsessed w that show and I'm so happy u are too 👶‼️‼️‼️

YES I AM VERY MUCH okay so it literally has become my favorite show, and I've even re-watched it a few times (and anyone who knows me knows that I cannot re-watch, re-read, re-play things easily). and it's so painful how literally no one i know is willing to give it a chance 😭 because it's so damn good

if you'll allow me to ramble for a second..

people always talk about the relationship between juwon and dongsik, and i get it, bcs that is!!! so fucking intricate and fascinating but there's a specific scene dongsik has with jaeyi that always sticks out to me as such a good scene for characterizing what type of person dongsik is. and it's rarely talked about!

LDS: Yoo Jaeyi, aren't you afraid of me? I had [the victim's] phone with me. I could have been the one who murdered her. YJY, shaking her head: You're just crazy. At one point you had too much sadness in your life to handle, so you started to do crazy shit [as a front]. Right?

&

YJY: I'll be okay - LDS: I'm not okay. I won't be okay with that! YJY: I'll be okay. I have you by my side.

these exchanges always clenches fist gets me by the throat!!! first of all i'm a sucker for non-romantic male/female relationships in korean shows bcs that like, never happens ever without there being romantic undertones. but also!! dongsik literally went to jaeyi to try to make sure she was safe and even while doing that he's also telling her "do not trust me, logically you have no reason to" and she's immediately hitting back with the "i know you, i know you better than the people who demonize you, and that includes how you demonize yourself. you're not what people think you are, not what you think you are, and i'm not letting you face this alone, even if it's dangerous for me. you've been alone long enough." and when she says 'right' she is not asking in a way where she is looking for an answer. she is saying it as a confirmation. she is right. she wants him to know that she knows.

and!! even then, even with dongsik trying to frame it as why he's not a good person, when jaeyi says she'll be fine he immediately is like "being fine is not good enough, i will not be okay if you are not okay. just because you survive doesn't mean you're okay". he just doesn't want anything bad to happen to the people he cares about despite all the horrible things he's gone through. he so easily could have become jaded or indifferent - and perhaps he is a bit jaded, but he could never be indifferent to the suffering of those he cares about. everything he's suffered and yet he's still, at every turn, trying to take on everyone else's pain for them so they can continue living a happy life instead. one of the most memorable lines he says is when he learns of juwon's plan towards the end, and he says "that fool - i'm not going to let him go alone!". he knows he can't stop juwon, knows he can't change the trajectory, but if he can take any of the burden by going down alongside him then he will. because despite everything, despite how he has truly been failed by every aspect of society that was supposed to protect him, he still just wants those he cares about to be okay. to not have to go through what he's gone through.

there's a line very early on from jihoon, when juwon is quizzing him about why dongsik is focused on acting like "both a mom and half a dad" to minjeong while the town ostracizes him, instead of focusing on himself, and jihoon says "because he's dongsik. because that's who dongsik is." and i think that really sums it up completely. because dongsik is used to being hated, being looked at with mistrust, being used by those around him. and because he is used to it he simply cannot abide by it happening to those he cares about, and he will do anything he can to take care of them, to make sure they're happy and safe.

is it healthy? no. that's part of what jaeyi is even telling him. but instead of growing bitter and angry - which he has, he is so angry at how he has been failed - he channels that instead into care. into love. into protection. he has so many reasons to be cruel and spiteful and hateful. but instead he makes the incredibly hard choice to love instead.

[katherinebotten]

Jack Donoghue, the opioid epidemic merch hoodie, and Salem

Jack is cool because of what he brings to the situation. The situation isn’t cool. It’s cool because jack is there. Jack sets the tone he does not let the tone dictate how he is received. He has a romantic mid-west America sensibility. Humble. Disappearing to become a heroin addict ploughing the fields of Alaska like a gold-rush miner in the 1800s. Always in a BPD codep relationship but he remains the Elvis of his life. The captain of his ship. Enough self hating insecurity that we relate to him yet enough mastery over his exterior material conditions that we are in awe. The shame never takes him under the way it would us. He is a god amongst men because shame would kill us mortals yet he takes his shame and turns it into capital through the commerce possible from fine art. Everyone else tries to be Salem but only Salem is Salem. Everyone else should try being themselves. He dated lana because they are both magicians. Liam wanted to be Jack. Every boy wants to be jack. If I saw a person in a Salem t-shirt I would make sure not to talk to them. I think identifying with Salem is for losers only. But I can’t deny the appeal of jack. And of Salem! 

Daisies boyfriend wore a black hoodie it said “I survived the opioid crisis” and I wanted it even though they are the most loser couple of insecure losers on earth. Australia’s prom king and queen if the high school was Insecure High. And it really makes you think, huh, it must be true… money doesn’t make you happy. I didn’t know who made this hoodie - for days I was thinking about it. It was like a sigil. Charged with subcultural power. Then I googled it and saw it was Salem merch... Of course! Salem merch is cringe by nature because when you signal the code that your into Salem you also signal that your a desperate creton lazy death lover with no creativity. Like every art gallery in Melbourne named after death. But this hoodie got me. Death has built in sex appeal that’s why I think it’s lazy. I wish Salem made pro-life merch but they wouldn’t, couldn’t, and won’t. Because then they wouldn’t be Salem. I come for the death and stay for the sex. Jack is the Bee Gee’s “Stayin’ Alive” song, walking down the street in spring using your denim cock crotch as a compass. Jacks cock = true north. He is magnetic because he is a child looking for a whore and/or a mother and won’t break out of himself to become sovereign (ie to become a magician) and we identify, the magnetism is that he is us but he looks, sounds, and seems cool doing it, so we idolise. We want to feel okay. We also can’t break out to become sovereign selves, we want company. But jack is accidentally a magician and I can’t figure out why. He is a martyr in that he becomes magician so we don’t have to and we praise him for it. (Idk how u become a magician without becoming a magician????) He is America. He is a poet. He is a beat poet. He is a dumb hunk. Drunk. Drug addict. Sex addict. Bpd pest. Annoying regressed pitbull. The archetype of the Casanova, Eros, Mars the planet named after the Roman god of war. He signals an authenticity that hipsters feed off but being death obsessed isn’t authentic it’s fake and a cover and fear centric and our authentic core is always life obsessed. My magic coach max says life and death are the same thing. Idk I just know Jack is a loser because death is pathetic but I also know that he gets me everytime and we love him because we want to love the fearful parts of us too and in jack we see the dualism of fear and the things we do to camouflage it that to dumb people appears as fears opposite. We want to empower the parts of us that are scared and weak and lying to cover themselves over as strong (see: in Melbourne - indifferent, apathetic, amoral, apolitical). So we love jack. Scum John Travolta. A boobytrap. Salem is for the codependent. Salem is loaded, charged, cool. 

I watched a fan made documentary on YouTube about Jack and spent the next 12 hours totally desperate to relapse. Every product we want has a secret promise it will make us feel safer. No one wants to die and to change is to die and to be attracted to darkness is liking this sensation you get when you think you are changing because you are dying because you like darkness, and how happy it lets you feel making believe like you're changing when your actually not. Surrounded by darkness my loser XXXXXXXXX thinks he is so cool because he loves death but he doesn’t change he is stuck because he thinks the attraction to death is death (he's not brave enough to die). The final thing out of Pandora’s box was hope and it was the cruellest of all because it kept people exactly as they were. Unchanging. We are such liars. Salem hoodie losers declare themselves as liars. Looking beyond death is life, like in Zazen setting up seated meditation and staring through the hoodie. Refracted out on the other side is the understanding that there is a quality within you that is dependent on external validation for your sense of mysticism, and this is of a low vibrational frequency and probably blocking you from real divine union, being yourself, knowing your purpose and carrying it out.

I wish they didn’t have the opioid brands on the back it makes it uncool, glib and heavy handed. It’s cheap like loser graphic design not fine art and you could find anything that looks like that at Savers or someone in Brunswick yuck. The front is kind of dope in that it’s a public service announcement and mysterious and doesn’t technically have to be true. Then the brands on the back is this energetic doubling down but it’s confused and Vibrationally comes off as not mysterious. Too “of the world”. Plus can you imagine all the losers behind you as you walk being intrigued or scared while reading the branding on your back it’s kind of beyond ugly thing to force to happen in the environment in fact I would go as far as to call the graphic element on the back of the hoodie environmental rape. 

It seems like no matter what he has friends and some what accepts himself. If it was one of us who ended up picking olives in willunga, South Australia, or being a cleaner on a FIFO offshore oil refinery, or in the mines of deep Queensland I doubt we would remain cool and desirable, it is the perserverance of Jack’s essense despite the material conditions that we admire. It’s like he is in the olympics of remaining cool despite what is happening around him. I would kill myself if I ended up childless and living in the fleurieu peninsula alas I am sober and Jack copes by smoking, driving a ute, staying reflexive to trends, and contributing to the zietgiest with markers reminding us of his virility via Instagram posts. I’m torn, it’s not king behaviour. I stan a drop-out, jack hangs-in. 

One day zac described to me that Ed Sheeran was famous because he distilled the essense of England into a man and that is what was being celebrated. England championing the spirit of “England”. The schizophrenia of it was enticing, I don’t know if it checks out. I think we just want to be carried off to sleep, our consciousness blunted. Nothing toooo much but enough of enough to think we’re being satisfied. A Course In Miracles says nothing of this world could be satisfying. I think jack represents the edge of an edge most hipsters are happy to occasionally occupy or aim for. If Jack actually was a frontier explorer we wouldn’t know or see him because he wouldn’t be so representable and locatable. (I wonder if that’s truly true?)

I like jack because he shows me beauty in hopelessness. Where jack is is ok not because it is ok but because jack is there. This is a representation of presence-creation. If I am ok then I can be present. At the end of it all we love hope. The art is dark but it represents making the most of nothing and that is hopeful. Jack is a magician because he is an alchemiser. 

I still think wearing Salem merch shows yourself to be retarded it’s the same as saying I am four years old but I can’t deny that the graphic design of the Salem font is an effective sigil. I respect the mastery of magic in this regard. Salem tea towels would be cool. “I survived the opiod epidemic” on a teatowel would have such a different register vibrationally than a black hoodie. I guess I’m missing the point again people want death not life from salem and tea towels are too life coded. I wonder if there is a way for salem to have less loser attracting merch? 

I know they have such bad porn star sex. I actually feel so sad writing that, I look into their eyes above and see broken 4 year olds crying out for affection and security. They could perfectly heal together, two of the same wounds. My heart breaks to think of both of them stuck on the same merry-go-round from hell.

[sweetkakashihatake47]

https://www.tumblr.com/sweetkakashihatake47/718638846176280576/ok-i-honestly-dont-know-whether-to-ship-ss-or

Hello!

I read your post in the link above and I have totally your same thoughts. I would like to share with you something I’m thinking about recently. I really wanted Kakashi and Sakura end up together, but unfortunately I think that Kishi always had the sasusaku pair in his mind. I think he made this decision from page 1, I have never had any hope actually for narusaku too. It was too obvious from the start that the pairs would be Sasusaku and Naruhina. I’m not a teenager so for someone like me who have been watching anime for long time that was easily predictable. What Kishi didn’t expect is that Kakashi became more popular then the others maybe, and many of us are more interested in him than Sasuke for example. I don’t hate Sasuke at all. I can say that I’m indifferent to that character, he never catches my interest. I don’t know why. But let’s suppose even for a moment Kishi had in mind the Kakasaku otp, don’t you think it is quite sad to give Kakashi just an unrequited love after all he have been through? That’s why even if I would like a lot that Kakashi loves Sakura, canonically I think this could not be possible. Maybe Kishi wanted just showing us Kakashi trying his best to put together Sasuke and Sakura in order to help them to realize their love, the one he could not realize with Rin.

Of course this will not stop me to ship them because I really love them together, and actually I prefer that Kakashi remains single at this point, their bond is so special and nobody can take away this from me. In Boruto they are trying to give Sasusaku a happy end with romantic scenes. It doesn’t work with me but as lots of fun ship them it is working commercially. And I really hope they won’t marry Kakashi off for fan service. What do you think about my thoughts? Thank you.

Hi Anon,

thanks for your honest thoughts about this subject! And I love to answer to your question.

1.))The way Kakashi in the end "roots" for Sasuke and Sakura ..I have the very same thoughts as you have. Kakashi is happy ..if others around him are happy! Many believe that Kakashi did not love Rin back then .when they were young. Well...he never says to her such things ...instead ..he just says to her ..that he does not deserve her ..because he turned her down for the mission to complete. I rather have come to the conclusion ..that he might have had feelings for her ...but dumped it ..when he came to know of Obitos feelings towards Rin. The circumstances at that time were not the best for romantic relationships. Him "rooting" for Sasuke and Sakura ...is a clear sign for me personally ..that he compensates through their relationship ...what he ultimaterly never could have experienced. Its something like the obsession with Icha Icha ..its a compensating mechanism ...that Kakashi shows there. Sometimes I even think of ..that Kakashi just knows ..that for himself he chooses the single life ...because its in some way easier. We all know that he hates to take responsibility.And that he took the seat for the 6th Hokage is all thanks to Obito ..and that at that time there was no other candidate who would fit into that role. With the Hokage seat he took a huge amount of responsiblities. That is the canon version of it. For me ...it was never that clear from the beginning..that SasuSaku would ever happen. Sasuke always has seen Sakura as the female comrade. He was willing to team up with her and Naruto ..but thats that! He was always fine with ...being alone! Of course we see that he is highly traumatized ..and misses his parents ...and his whole clan ..but that is no surprise either. He has always chosen to be ..alone. That is also canon. It feels as if SasuSaku is a big fanservice! It feels incredible forced. In Boruto Sasuke still chooses loneliness over his family.If it were for him alone ..I feel he would never have wanted to be ...in a relationship. Did Sakura gain what she wished for? No. Its the opposite. Mostly ...she was alone ..all this years. still ...she is left alone in Boruto. I see no particular character growth when it comes to her. That is also canon. For me persoanlly they are not considered husband and wife....because they never had the officlal marriage contract. For me ...SasuSaku is the irony pairing ..because in my opinion ...as it seems to me Sakura is confusing fear for love. Of course she likes Sasuke ..because he is cool ..and so on. But ...its her fear of loosing him again ..him leaving her ...that draws her to him ..and fear is simply not love. You rather clamp on someone ...if you are afraid of loosing them again ..and that is what she does. The irony is ..that she gets what she feared the most. And its rather ironic ..and I am not that convinced at all ..that Kishi actually had this in mind with them both. I find it interesting ..that the Naruto verse is so ....realistic. A young girl who is clinging to that young cool good looking boy ...and he is rejecting her ...again and again and she is rather forcing herself unto him. To me ...SasuSaku pairing is the irony pairing ...and I feel that Kishi rather had mixed feelings about them both. He could have made their pairing successful from the start ..but ..they both seem not happy at all ..in my opinion. Its rather as if ...Kishi ..did the fanservice ...but its not that ..over all happy life for them both. In many aspects ...Kakashi sees himself in Sasuke....but ...they have chosen different ways to cope with their traumatic past. While Sasuke still ...prefers to be alone ...Kakashi always has sought the closeness to friends and comerades. We can see a little 5 year old Kakashi ...who plays with his comerades ...Rin and Obito and others ...street soccer ...and so on. Yes ...after loosing so many important people in his life ...Kakashi has also chosen ..the lonely path.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello! I didn't have the time to read the next chapter because of university(remind me again why can't I drop everything and become a street artist?). But I was thinking about IALS (as usual) and I have some random thoughts so I thought I'd share them with you:

In Lance's chapter, Lance revealed that David at some point ran inside to grab Max's diaries and Lance ran inside to grab something else and I'm thinking: Was that something the pink pony? Because he promised both David and Max that he'll take good care of it and he dropped it and that's the reason for his blindness, like if he hadn't run in to get it he would have been fine? And is that why David threw it away? Because at first, I thought it was because it was the last thing he saw before he lost consciousness but maybe not?

You said the only times David gets mad at Jaden was when he acted like a bad parental figure but I'm thinking, Jaden was insulting Max a lot, did he not get angry then? Like the first fight David and Jaden had was indeed about the kids but then Jaden called Max an idiot and said some mean stuff about him and David broke a glass in his hand (that man is OBSESSED with his husband and nothing can change that🥹). So did he fight with Jaden when he was mean to Max?

I may be wrong but the only times we see David willing to yell and actively want to fight with Max, the only times he gets truly frustrated with him, is when he is... jealous? I mean their first "fight" was when David met Mona and then at the Maldives when he made out with the cook and even at the party when David was judging his taste in women. He always told Max that he was mad because this was hurting the kids but could there be some other possessive reason behind it? Just curious👀

Speaking about ponies, what happened to the pony Max won for Lance? I recall Lance asking Max to keep it safe but does he still have it?

I have a physical need for David to realize that Max stole his shirt when he claimed he hated him I just need him to know that his husband is an idiot who loves him like crazy (notice how I never say ex-husband? That's called self-preservation ladies and gentlemen). Will David see or recognise the t-shirt?

When the story started Max was really mad at David and David seemed really indifferent towards Max and I think that's what really confused all of us, because, speaking for myself, I thought that they had all healed. I don't mean healed exactly, more like they had left what had happened behind them, that this was their reality but it's now obvious that it was a phase, a step towards recovery and that they all had a long way to go and knowing that now really puts things into perspective and reading the first chapters again everything makes more sense. You are a really talented writer and I know I've said it a lot of times but you just find new ways to surprise us so I'll keep saying it.

When I first read IALS there was one thing that made me 100 per cent sure that Mavid was over and the more I kept comparing them to TLND Malec the more sure I got and that was the fact that David seemed to actively want to hurt Max. It was the one thing that made zero sense and the one thing no one can recover from, because how can you get back together with someone that broke you so badly? I think we all saw the show the same way Max saw it back then, we never got David's perspective about it at first so we all thought that it was meant to hurt Max. Although I still believe that it was kinda wrong to write it and in Max's place I would be hella pissed (I'm a very private person and the thought of the whole world knowing everything about me is giving me nightmares) what pissed me and everyone off was the result. Back then the result was Max being hurt and the world not giving him what he needed, space from everything. And DC gave him that, the space he needed to be "Just Max" as he said. So knowing all of that now, everything is good again. And that's why we should never doubt David or Dani ever kids, they both love Max Lightwood Bane way too much.

Okay end of random thoughts have a good dayy🌷

Ps: Today I was reminded of this song The Real Slim Shady by Eminem and I thought about Max and Jaden being in the same room and hearing this and I couldn't stop laughing, Jaden would have been so pissed🤣

Petition for you to drop everything and become a street artist. Let's go!!!

This is a very good theory *insert y'all are hella specific gif from b99*

David of course does get angry when Jaden insults Max (his intelligence or health etc). But it's not as intense as when he insults Max as a parent per se. Because Max as we know as a self-deprecating tendency (only if you know him well) and perhaps Jaden's behavior reminds David of Max. But there is a limit to David's tolerance of course. That's why we see him losing his shit sometimes.

He is 100% being a jealous bitch. David being a jealous bitch will always be canon in every universe. We also see him getting angry when Max is reckless and puts his life at risk - that's also him being possessive of Max himself.

He definitely has it. But hidden in his closet. He has the rubik's cube too. No one is allowed to see it because he doesn't want them to know he's a softie ;)

David might not recognize it if he sees it. But maybe he'll find out about it. I'm not if we will see that shirt. But we will definitely see more shirts. *wink*

Thank you. This means a lot. It's supposed to be confusing. Otherwise, the plot won't move the way it does now. What I find very interesting is that in the fic, when people read David's book, they sympathize with David and when they watch the show about Max, they take his side. But you as a reader, had a completely different experience. You (not you specifically lol) didn't side with David when we actually got to see flashbacks from his pov (part 1) you sided with Max. But when you read Max's side of the story (part 2), you started to feel more for Max. It's a fantastic thing I did not see something and yet another piece of evidence for how Mavid really bring out the best in each other.

Facts only. A mistake(?) that I kept making at the beginning was also to constantly compare IALS mavid to TLND malec and it really messed up my writing. Because these two stories are not the same in any capacity. I hate writing stories in the same trope but I couldn't pass IALS even though I had just written another divorce story because the plot and themes and dynamics and characters in these were just so different.

Personally, I'm not a fan of the fact that David wrote the show either. But I always think about if Mavid had been together and David had the opportunity to write about his life, Max would've encouraged the fuck out of it. What is really heartwarming is that even after the divorce and everything that happened, Max didn't stop David from writing the show. We must never forget that Max could've prevented the show from happening if he really wanted to. He had every right - legally and morally speaking. But he didn't. For two reasons. One, as he himself said, he is proud of his story (not the show - but his own story). It took him a long time to accept that. The show was one of the reasons he did accept it.

The second reason is a simple one. This was actually a scene/line from the previous chapter but I cut it out (idk why).

"You should really watch the show," Max told his son.

"It's a stupid show," Lance rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you, out of all people, would watch it."

"Because David wrote it," Max said simply. Because it was really as simple as that.

PS - The fact that Max and Jaden didn't have many scenes together is truly both a blessing and a curse oof. Hope you have a great day too, love.

[extremely-normalcore]

In response to my last ask:

I wholeheartedly agree with your statement. People have the right to be as kinky and/or “weird” as they want, and I will fight for their right to do that. Though correctly tagging things is vital.

It’s sweet that you like Sebastian so much. I’ve heard of some of the yandere mods but have never played them myself—I’d have to put more research into them. I also didn’t know that about ConcernedApe. Thank you for the tidbit. I like hearing whatever facts you have to share; they’re interesting. Do you have any more facts about Sebastian or Stardew Valley in general?

Your family members had no right to spy on you like that. I’m sorry. I have a similar paranoia that stems from believing that I’m an “illegal” person or that everything I do will somehow be viewed in an “illegal” light, so not the same as you, but similar responses. 

Contemplating my digital footprint is mortifying for me, too, but you’re using an alt that presumably has little to no ties to you. I’m curious as to why you think it may cost you your job or the majority of your relationships. I do not think you’re posting or reblogging anything illegal. 

I have no words to describe just how awful your exes and mother are. The incessant emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse you faced was completely undeserved. 

You have no need for apologies when sharing things like these. I’m glad I can get a small glimpse into your brain. I personally can’t tell where my obsession stems from, as the majority of the abuse I faced made me apathetic and indifferent towards anything and everything. When typing this response, I’ve been trying to consider where it may have stemmed from or why I can be an obsessive person, but I haven’t been able to formulate an answer. 

In the original version of the game (for Stardew Valley) CA was going to have you be able to slaughter your farm animals just like irl but during testing people were very against it because it made them sad to kill these animals they raised and took care of everyday. The game was originally inspired by Harvest Moon and he built it originally as just something for him and his girlfriend to play but ended up deciding to share the game with others.

Is there any reason you would believe you are illegal? I can understand being concerned about some actions being viewed in an illegal light, especially if you're at all POC (at least in the US anyways, I cannot speak for other countries) because something that might be written off as harmless if a little odd for someone white to do can quickly become escalated, this is also true if people read you as a man in public because men are generally seen as more dangerous/larger threats. Something I've noticed transitioning is that people are by default more on edge around me now that I pass as a cis guy than they ever were when they thought I was a girl. Gender and race are such stupid things that really have no use and shouldn't exist imo.

Well the two irl friends that I have would I KNOW stop being friends with me if they found out because they have made MULTIPLE statements before about finding obsessive/possessive behaviour bad and scary and wanting nothing to do with people that are like that. My dad and grandparents barely have anything to do with me anyways so it coming out I'm an insane freak would I imagine make them want to talk to me even less, especially with my dad's new wife hating me anyways. My bf is fine, he already knows and my one friend would also be okay with it except she would make a whole thing about it because she desperately wishes I were attracted to her. And my other friend I honestly have no idea, he's a little all over the place but is generally pretty anti stalking/possessive behaviour. And that's all the relationships I have in my life lol. And as far as work, if my coworkers found out I was an obsessive stalker they would obviously feel uncomfortable around me and not want to work with me and when you get a new job it's not uncommon for them to contact your old jobs so even if I tried to leave and start somewhere new it's something that could follow me and prevent me from even getting hired. No one wants to hire a creep that they may be concerned about harassing other employees even tho I wouldn't do that because I only have one person I'm interested in and I'm already in a relationship with him. Stalking IS illegal in the US and also generally something most people view as pretty bad and not only have I reblogged posts about stalking I've admitted to stalking people before and not understanding what is wrong with it. Plus the obsessive behaviour is again something most people view as bad/wrong.

Honestly with my mom and my exes it all still feels so much like my fault lol, if I had simply been better, been good enough that wouldn't have happened. I would've been loved and cared for and it's my fault for not being good enough and earning basic decency and care and it's my fault for not recognizing people that just wanted to use me and hurt me. And rationally I know that's stupid and ridiculous but it still feels true lol.

I'm not sure if I might've been a little bit obsessive no matter what but I think for me it was probably one of those things where it was a natural possibility for me that was encouraged and worsened by my environment growing up. Like with my OCD, I think I probably would've had it either way but it's definitely worse due to my environment growing up. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this tho, I spend a lot of time thinking about my mom and my childhood because it constantly haunts me and I can't escape it so that causes me to think a lot about how it has also affected me in my adult life and stuff. I did not reach all those conclusions immediately lol, and maybe there isn't a reason at all you're obsessive either. A lot of stuff has reasons but sometimes you just are the way you are. People are complicated and all that

[loserlvrss]

꒰ 𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐒 & 𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐒 ꒱ 김동현

summary : you and your boyfriend go shopping together

genre : fluff, very lightly suggestive, leehan x afab!reader, slice of life, comedy (?), poorly written haha (?) tws : language, use of leehan's irl name, some slightly suggestive dialogue author notes : for my pookies on the discord server >.< i told y'all i hated it and i lowkey still do... but our mannnnn word count : 0.9k

you held up a black graphic t-shirt, which had half of it cut off. it was obviously supposed to be a woman's shirt—being manufactured as such—however, you couldn't help imagining your boyfriend in it, his small waist on display. and, who actually cares anyways?

"the voices, kim donghyun, the voices."

looking over the rack of clothes separating the two of you, leehan laughed, shaking his head. "are they that bad that you had to use my government name?"

"obviously, baby.” you whined out. “just imagine how good this would look on you, i fear i'm going to force you into it in a matter of seconds."

"you won't have to," he stated, pushing the glasses resting against his nose higher. "i can change my own clothes, y/n."

“yeah,” you slightly smirked, eyes trailing to the ceiling innocently. “but what’s the fun in that?”

he met you on your side of the makeshift divider. “fine, but you have to put this on then.”

you studied the fabric on the hanger for a moment, “what’s with you and your perverted obsession with skirts?” you took the denim maxi skirt from him. “and, what about my shirt?”

“you could just go without one,” he shrugged. “or use my hands.”

you lightly pushed him by his shoulder. “then you don’t get any pants, leehan—think carefully.”

he looked dead into your eyes, and for a moment you couldn’t tell if he was actually joking or not. “sounds like a good trade to me.” but that was exactly your boyfriend’s demeanor; seemingly indifferent unless you look a little deeper under the surface. he was actually quite strange, but you liked your men that way—weird hobbies, obsessions, and all.

he was the first to crack a smile before you prompted picking full outfits out for each other. he agreed adamantly, practically skipping off (he didn't skip at all, but you thought it would've been fitting) into the opposite direction of you.

you felt your phone buzz against the pocket of your jeans, pulling it out and reading the text from him: meet at the changing rooms.

and with that, you were off to search for some pants to match the croptop you were determined to get him to buy. you couldn’t help it, he was like a doll you wanted to dress up and style—so pretty and perfect.

soon after, you had found a pair of straight-legged, baggy jeans to match, star patches littering the back pockets. you scrunched them into your arms and searched for the dressing room.

you found the unlabeled hole in the wall by leehan leaning against the doorless frame. he smiled when you approached, the two items neatly folded over his forearm.

“you go first!” you were practically buzzing. “i can’t wait anymore—frothing at the mouth.”

he stayed silent as he grabbed your arm, pulling you along with him. you searched around, however it seemed like you and boyfriend were the only people who needed to try clothes on right now.

leehan stopped in front of the door, eyeing down at you. you tried to usher him in, ready to see his makeshift fashion show begin, but he had other plans it seemed.

you gulped down a yelp when he pulled you into the small room with him. yes, you were the one who suggested it, nonetheless you never imagined he’d follow through with it. you should’ve know though, leehan was a freak; he liked weird things and acted even weirder—but, he was still your freak, and you loved him dearly.

the door shut, and his hand covered your mouth as your back pressed to the wall. you dropped the clothes over your feet; which worked in your favor as footsteps approached.

your eyes went wide as you heard a voice call out on the other side of the door. “are you okay?”

leehan looked so calm and collected as he replied. “yeah, my girlfriends on the phone, she loves croptops.” and the clerk accepted the excuse with a laugh.

you sucked in a breath through your nose, mustering up the courage to lower his hand without protest. he had a stupid-little smirk on his face—one that you loved—and he pinched your cheek teasingly.

"stop worrying. we're not doing anything," he whispered. "right now." your eyes went wide in response.

he took his shirt off, and you couldn't help stare. he was toned in all the right places; captivating with confidence; he was everything you envied and loved at the same time. the rain on a humid day. he was yours, all yours. "are you just going to stare?" he took his pants off next, practically left naked. but, he let you watch as he dressed once again in what you'd picked out.

you gawked. "oh em gee!" it was exactly what you had imagined, emphasizing his waist. "we're getting it—the whole outfit."

"oh?" his eyebrows rose in amusement. "are we?"

you hummed. "yup," and in seconds you were unbuttoning your own pants. "now let's see if you have taste, leehan."

he pushed his glasses up again, leaning against the wall for a moment to study you, with crossed arms. he always loved how you looked, not that it ever really mattered much to him though. you were pure perfection, eternal ascension, an angel with devilish body language; everything he wanted. he couldn't believe you were real, and his. all his.

“oh, i must.”

you giggled as you finished changing, straightening the tight asymmetrical top against your skin and the top of the skirt. it was a green knit fabric, sleeves flowing past your hands. it wasn't something you think you'd have necessarily picked out, but it was cute—a little itchy—but, oddly cozy enough to overlook it.

he practically shot hearts from his eyes. "it makes you look like seaweed." he laughed shortly after.

yeah, a freak, you thought.

— tag list .ᐟ @lilriswife4life @lionhanie @0310s @serejae | send an ask to be added c:

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[destructionprincess]

BE FREE IF YOU NEED TO BE.... i just got over a 2 year long breakup and i thought i would never be able to date again and that no one would like me. But thats not true!!!! You are young and you have TIME!!!!!! You should live freely!!!!!!!!!! Break up if you want.! You dont need to immediately look for a partner, you can take a break if you need to! If you really want to, you'll find another person, someone who you will love, but you dont need to! You can be single and be happy then. You can be happy....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this will be the third year that I'm in a relationship with them and like it's fine it was never bad like the last time I dated someone I just thought one day "so this is it, I won't get anything else" and immediately dumped him due to that (now I think that he was also using me, but if I break up now I will think the samw about the current one) but idk I didn't feel like that

it's been like 5 years between dumping the previous one and meeting the current one so like I think I know that I cannot handle being single in the sense that I will latch onto ANY guy that just exist in my vicinity like by 2020 they didn't even have to talk to me, it was just a guy that worked nearby and I never spoke to him and still managed to get obsessed and hurt myself so I handle being single very badly

maybe now that I had that stability I'm missing that need for being obsessive because he's just there, anytime I want, just like I wanted, so why am I complaining

also I'm a big baby that won't go shopping without help so I kinda need need someone to be there with me and a partner fits that role nicely

I sometimes feel like if I allowed myself to go shopping alone I'd only buy junk and alcohol so I only limit that to when I'm enabled to go shopping by someone else

and it's not that I don't love him, it's just that usually when I felt I loved someone it was just pain and unfulfilled wishes and rejection and now it's just there, again, like I wanted, I didn't even have to fight for it he just came by himself and asked me so I should be thankful but I sometimes miss it

I can't even get myself to feel this pain of obsession when he's away because he's mostly away, but he always returns so the pain just occurs VERY RARELY usually when I feel like he will leave

so maybe I do love him if it does still hurt when I feel like he will leave, but I'm worried about being indifferent, I shouldn't be but I sometimes feel like that

sometimes, I just sit there and randomly think "I hate him so much" but I never tell him that because how would I explain that I don't mean it in a way that I want him to go away but I feel I just hate him and many many times wish he would just shut up but then I'm sad when he doesn't speak and i worry i did something wrong because he stopped talking and think he must hate me

it's just, maybe it's too good, maybe I'm waiting for a disaster to happen, maybe I really did not beg enough to deserve him and he will leave any moment

especially if I continue getting worse like this

I'm sorry for rambling

[fly-sky-high-09]

I think I get it now

I'm not really dissatisfied with my art, it's not about me hating how my stuff turns out

It's more like when I do commissions it's hard to be 100% happy even if it turns out exactly how I intended it. It's just more artwork I don't end up thinking more about because it was for someone else

And that's fine! I don't want to make this seem like it's an issue or anything because it's not. I'm simply experiencing the lack of happy juice I'd get from creating something from scratch. It doesn't work like my actual creative outlet but is using my creative skills to exist, something like that

And it's not like I wouldn't sit and draw for myself where it actually works as that creative outlet. It just seems I'm running low on motivation to draw. I might need something new, which I expected for awhile now, which is why I tried learning blender in the first place (only to fail getting back to it because I forgot everything I've learned awhile back....)

I have idea, i have even simplest of ideas, i have ideas that don't even relate to my obsessions or anything but are just painting ideas that i dont get around to draw

Because my brain is currently connecting drawing to commission work and i've became so indifferent about it (not to be mistaken with my effort put into those because i still do my best!)

This isn't really the case of "turning my hoby into a job has killed my creativity" case. I'm just burned out on the same thing because I still have to do it to earn any money at all

I do want a new unrelated job just so I can use a bit of spare time to finally focus on making myself a new outlet without worrying about if I'll get more clients and how commissions will turn out or when I'll finish them cuz pay etc....

Edit: You know... I WISH I could juggle this as work and having it be a creative outlet. I think I did at one point but it doesn't feel like that any more. Maybe some day. But right now I feel stuck. I feel like I wasn't cut out for it and actually make it last. I'm slow, I don't have my own work space, I have health and family to worry about, I have constant distractions and constant worry about my future if I stick to being a freelancer with no benefits what so ever. So I kind of. Have to stop. I need a job.

[sugarf4iry]

i kinda feel like this would be the perfect place to let it out without feeling like i’m talking to myself and still don’t really fear that people will read it so honestly why not

this is not meant to be poetic or a piece of meaningful writing i just want to talk about how much i hate everything i’m feeling atm i hate how empty i feel i hate how cutting him off felt like ripping off a part of myself like one of my organs was causing me more bad than good and had to be removed and u know it’s for the best and it was the right thing to do and u won’t have to suffer anymore but still u know there’s something missing now and there’s a hole it left and i hate how i will miss him and start to doubt myself because maybe it wasn’t that bad or maybe it was and it’s simply what i deserved and what i asked for maybe it’s what i wanted all along so i’d have someone else to blame for the emptiness i feel and have felt since i can remember i actually don’t know but i know that i hate him and i love him and i’m glad he’s gone and i miss him and i genuinely want him to die to make it stop and i want to go back to when it all felt okay and i feel sick about how desperately i needed him and how i made the most important person to me feel with everything i did because of it and i hate myself for the way i miss the unhealthiness and dependency and the illusion that someone was taking care of me and wanted the best for me and how deep down i wish it had never stopped and i could’ve stayed in that bubble and never realized how much i’ve been used and manipulated and pushed around and mistook it for love and genuine care and i feel so humiliated about how stupid i was and pretty much still am and i hate how much he is still on my mind and how i am downright obsessed with knowing what he’s doing and i hate that i am so incapable of letting go of all this hurt i feel and how angry i am and don’t know where to direct it to and how i feel like i won’t ever be satisfied and i hate how i still want him to miss me too and how i quietly hope that he thinks about me and what he’s done and also checks what i’m doing nearly as much as i do with him because the idea of him just being fine with it wrecks me and i hate that i still feel jealous and felt a sting when i saw that he mentioned a best friend and how she’s the best because he does not deserve to be close to anyone again after everything he did not only to me but everyone else who knew him and i loathe myself for still being capable of feeling this strongly about him i just want to feel indifference i want to forget he exists i want to forget everything he’s made me feel i want to not care if and what he posts and i want to never shed a single tear about any of this ever again but i feel so pathetic and helpless and i feel like if there was no one i’d be disappointing i’d already be willingly submitting myself to any abuse he gives me just for the sake of keeping him around and i don’t understand why and i hate him so much for making me feel this way and having me depend on him so much and just fuck me up so badly to the point where even months later it still impacts me so much and i don’t want to make new friends bc i’m too scared of ever having to experience something like this again because he was such a big part of how i got to the lowest point in my life and was genuinely so close to actually killing myself because i don’t know where to put all of this and let go and actually properly move on and not just pretend like i have. as long as he still occupies even a fraction of my thoughts i will not be able to truly be okay and that scares me because i don’t want to be stuck like this forever and grieve something that was never how i perceived it to begin with. i am sick of how selectively i remember things and how i convince myself that it was all so great and good and i was so happy when in reality i was constantly on edge and alert to not do anything wrong and earn his approval at the cost of my own needs and feelings. i hate how helpless i feel and myself for letting it come to this point at all. i hope one day this will be nothing but a very distant memory where i can’t recall how i felt. i hope i truly move on and let go of it all.