#the last time this happened was like 2018

[queerbuckleys]

SLOWED-DOWN CLOCKS TETHERED...TO KEEP IT FOR YOU IN SWEETNESS [1.6k | Eddie Diaz & Christopher Diaz | post s7] {AO3}

Eddie’s first Father’s Day as a father he had barely registered the date let alone a holiday when he had woken up, not until his bunk mates had asked if he had scheduled time for a call. The other dads had been in the coms tent talking with their families through pixelated webcams, some kids holding signs or proudly showing off cards they had made at school or summer camp. Some others had cards come in the mail in the days leading up and following the actual holiday. Eddie felt ambivalent. He had left and had been a blurry blob and distant crackly voice to Christopher for a majority of his life. But he waited his turn with one of the computers, reached Shannon and Christopher, his father next to them on the couch, his mother puttering and fretting about in the background. The words wishing him a happy father’s day felt hollow. He didn’t really feel like a father. A provider to some degree, but not a father. 

Over the past few weeks Sundays are when he calls to check in, his mom texting him throughout the week about activities or if something urgent came up. But Sundays were always there was always a prick of hope in Eddie’s heart, to even hear Chris in the background. This Sunday he woke with more dread of the quiet of the house than he had every day of the past few weeks. The holiday taunting him everywhere he seemed to look. He goes to the kitchen and the “world's best dad” mug that Buck had helped Chris get him a few years ago, sat there in the cupboard nearly mocking him alongside the one from the zoo. At one time they had instilled in him the confidence that he was doing okay, at least in Christopher’s eyes. And that wasn’t true anymore. He slams the cupboard shut without grabbing a mug. It’s all too much. 

Eddie’s first father’s day stateside, the first one he held his son in his arms, he felt less than adequate. His son crying and not being able to comfort him. It felt fruitless. But how else were either of them going to learn. Eddie ached to learn, but was flying blind, no concrete example from his childhood to learn from. He had already tried that method of fatherhood, and it’s how he got here in the first place. So, he sat and held Christopher against his chest, humming a tune that is etched into his soul hoping that eventually Chris would calm. He doesn’t really even register when the crying softens to a whimper and then quiets into steady breathing in time with steady rocking, Eddie’s own breath evening too. 

His phone buzzes on the counter, the hope that lived in his chest flickering brighter. Evan said he would play basketball today if you want. From Tommy. I guess maybe that’s not as reassuring given what happened last time. Maybe time with the punching bag?  Buck had texted even before he had woken up, let me know if you want to do anything today. And if Eddie was honest with himself, he didn’t want to do anything. Going to the park to play a pick up game where they might see fathers and their kids doing countless activities made him slightly nauseous. Pummeling a bag felt useless, he had done it enough. And he wasn’t angry. It was too much energy to be angry.  He had already tried to be put on shift for today, but it had really been no use. Getting something you wanted was an impossible task at this point, even if it was to do something nice. So Eddie had decided to lock the doors and close the blinds and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist for today. 

Eddie’s first father’s day when he felt the most positive about being a father fell in June of 2018, they had just officially settled into their little house after having moved out of Pepa’s guest room last month. The academy was going great, their routine solidified. For today whatever mess that were his feelings about Shannon and her leaving were the last thing on his mind. He pushed Chris on the swings at the park, his son squealing with glee and begging to go higher. Chris had presented him with a hand drawn card when he came out of his room for breakfast. it really wasn’t all that different then their usual Sundays— it all just held a little more weight. He was providing a roof and love with Chris in his arms, breathing the same air. it was the most secure in his fatherhood Eddie had ever felt. That wasn’t saying a whole lot. But Chris only had him. And he wasn’t letting go again anytime soon. 

He does text Buck back, Not really feeling up for anything. Enjoy your day off with Tommy. Buck loved the message instantly, even without being in the house he was hovering. Not in a bad way. Just always there. And Eddie knows that this is not entirely easy for Buck either. But at least Chris was talking to him. He could see it in  Buck’s eyes anytime it came up. Another one of those things they dance around expertly. And there was a twinge of resentment and envy that Eddie wished would go away, and another part that told him he deserved this. Frank had said it was a normal reaction. Whatever that meant. Nothing felt normal. Not with the referral to a psychiatrist looming on his file. Frank had told him medication might really do him some good. And he can’t face it. That’s definitely not normal. But he does know he wants to try and get there. He knows it will help. Help him. Help him be a better father. And for yourself, Frank had dutifully reminded him when they had the conversation. But it was like actually making that call requires climbing a thousand foot brick wall. 

Time ticked by slowly, excruciatingly so as he waited for early hours of the evening, when they would be back at the house after whatever outing they had gone on today but before dinner. He waited, pacing his own living room, stopping along the mantle and end tables where pictures stood and he bites his lip while gazing at the smiley versions of himself, arms wrapped around Chris. He drags out the photo album he keeps tucked on the shelf, there are pictures from every stage of his life tucked in the plastic sleeves. He looks at himself, just a year or so older than Chris is now, awkwardly standing next to a tiny Shannon at their eighth grade graduation. Their prom pictures. Wedding pictures. Not that many pages later, the day he became a father. He barely recognizes the young man, baseball cap covering his head, his gaze fixed nowhere near the camera. Tucked in the pages, not in a sleeve, is a sonogram. A tiny little white splotch who became the embodiment of his entire heart. His heart that now was what felt like a million miles away, living and breathing without him. 

The clock ticked to the top of the hour, and the reminder popped up on his phone with a buzz. He wipes his face, and bites his lip harder, and with a shaky hand, he taps on his father’s contact, and the hope sparks brighter and the nerves wrap around his gut like usual. His leg bouncing, lip still rolling between his teeth. 

There’s shuffling on the other end of the line. 

“Hi.” 

The voice through the speaker isn’t his father, sounds impossibly older than the last time he heard it. The tears that had been threatening to spill all day finally broke free, he rubs a shaky hand over his face. His whole body shakes in relief. 

“Hey, Bud.” he can’t stop the waver in his voice. 

“Abuelo is in the bathroom, he’ll be right out. He said I should pick it up if I wanted.” 

It’s a quiet, hesitant admission. 

Eddie has thought about this moment since the second his son left his grasp but never let himself think about what he would say. He swallows past apologies and groveling. Those can come later. Right now his son is speaking to him. 

“What have you been up to?” he tries for casual and open ended, genuinely wanting to hear it in Chris’ words.   

“Today we went to the park for a picnic with lots of people. I met other teenagers who were cool, so that was fun.” Eddie swears he hears a voice crack, and he can barely bear it. 

“Glad you are making new friends.” 

The silence that draws out between them now is heavy, both of them knowing that now is not the time. Neither of them want it right now. Just breathing together again is enough. 

“I’m not ready to come back, or talk about it, but I…I miss you dad.” He could picture Chris sitting on his parent’s couch, his fingers tangling in the hem of his shirt, glasses balanced on the tip of his nose. 

It’s not what Eddie expected and fresh tears roll down his cheeks and the heartache that he has come to live with over the past few weeks intensifies for a moment. 

“I miss you too.” All the time. So much. More than you can ever know. He never wants this phone call to end. They might not be breathing the same air, but they were breathing together again. 

[inumakisangel]

Things for you to put in your dr script

a little post showing some things from my dr script to give you ideas for your own hehe :3

all pics (except from the toge one above) are from pinterest. if you own any of them and want creds, lmk!

♡ Security things ♡

1 - (VERY IMPORTANT!!) Everything is exactly how you wanted and imagined

I personally did not have any problems regarding how the reality is because of that. Not saying things will be 100% different from how you thought it would be, but putting that everything is exactly how you imagined will make the experience so much better (and will save you from stress if something is not how you wanted)

2 - (ALSO VERY IMPORTANT!!) Memories of before you shifted to DR come to you naturally

Just so you can know what stuff happened before you shifted

3 - (optional, but important) Any wish granter

Have you ever imagined having something happen in your dr that is totally out of your control and that you can't resolve? Create some way to make what you want to happen, happen regardless of the circumstances. Some ideas are:

2.1: Wish diary

A magical diary where, anything you write in it, no matter how difficult it is to happen, will happen one way or another, and exactly how you wanted, imagined and specified

2.2: Magical sentence

If you say (sentence of your choice) right after or before saying something that you wanted to happen, it will happen no matter what

2.3: Magical signal

If you do (action of your choice, for example, drawing a little heart on your nose with your finger) right after or before saying something that you wanted to happen, it will happen no matter what

2.4: Naturally happens just through your emotions!

If you're going to a reality where it's a bit dangerous, this is especially good, and i reccomend doing the first three together or the last one alone. In my dr, i only scripted the 2.1 and 2.2, and i only use it when it's an emergency since i prefer to see how things go on their own

And it will help you a lot if the writer of the fiction of your dr is a menace who kills every single character without a hint of pity and humanity in blood. gege. WHEN I CATCH YOU, GEGE.

4 - (optional) You will not go through any type of stress, and you only feel the good emotions

I mean... you're going to another whole reality in which you can do every single thing you want. Why are you subjecting youself to go through stressful situations?

5 - (really optional) Days have more/less time

This one is for the girlies like me who want to spend as much time as possible with the people from your dr ‼️

In my DR, days last 34 hours, 19 hours of day and 15 hours of night

6 - Same artists, bands, shows, brands, anime and social media exists there

This is actually one of the best things i scripted because i could scroll on tiktok, reccomend songs to my friends, continue to watch One Piece, buy sanrio things, eat kfc, etc

7 - (optional but really important!!) When you go back to cr, time in dr stops

Also one of the best things i scripted. You just get super giddy and excited to shift back and do whatever you want to do, and you can also plan things way better!

Tiny things

8 - You're immune to lose items/immune to them become damaged or dirty

9 - You're immune of getting lost (you always know the way of every place)

10 - You always have enough money to buy whatever you want

11 - You're always clean and smelling nice

12 - You can eat anything you want at any amount you want and you don't gain any weight

13 - You always know when someone is lying

14 - You're immune of getting sick

15 - All food tastes amazing

16 - You always know when you're in danger and when you're being stalked

17 - You always know if your food has been poisoned

♡ Material things ♡

1 - Flip phones

The canon year in JJK is 2018, so technically, technology is advanced, but i wanted to have flip phones so bad!! And i think would be weird for me to use an old ass phone while everyone uses iphones or smth. So i scripted that technology is advanced as in 2018, however, phone brands simply continued the trend of creating phones with old designs!

And these are the phones i have:

2 - (product brand of choice) is cheap and accessible in dr

This lines up with the one talking about how brands and media that exist in cr, exists in dr. I can finally buy dior and sanrio stuff without having to sell my organs!!!!

3 - There are many brands of products in the exact style you like (and that are cheap and accessible)

For the girlies who have underrated type of style in which stuff is difficult to find. I specifically did with hime gyaru and coquette clothing!

4 - People always give you good gifts

In cases like spending your birthday there and someone gives you like a dead bug or something

♡ More + random ♡

1 - You always know exactly what the other person wants to hear

2 - Your breath is always nice

3 - You will remember everything that happened in dr in great detail and very clearly

4 - You are enchantingly beautiful from every angle (not only in dr🤭🤭 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒓𝒊𝒛𝒛)

5 - You know how to kiss really well, and everyone who has ever kissed you says it was the best kiss they've ever had in their entire lives

6 - Your skin is really soft and healthy

7 - You always give off the impression you want to give

8 - Your diction is really good and you never make mistakes in words/names.

9 - Everyone has a good first impression of you

10 - Everyone likes to talk to you and be around you all the time + no one feels uncomfortable/irritated with you around

11 - You are immune to experiencing uncomfortable situations

12 - You have the number of everyone you know

13 - (insert favorite fanfiction of your choice) happens

14 - No one secretly makes fun of you/thinks anything bad of you

15 - (insert character of your choice) exists in dr as a normal person

16 - All clothing looks fabulous on you/matches how you look

17 - You're not bothered by loud noises/loud people

18 - Your phone battery never runs out when you need it

♡ Scenarios ♡

☆ "X person invites me to lunch with them everyday"

☆ "X person sends me a lot of messages everyday"

☆ "X person loves to listen to music with me, and thinks my music taste is amazing"

☆ "X person loves my hair and asks to touch it a lot of times"

☆ "X person adores my cooking/baking"

☆ "X person visits me everyday"

☆ "X person sends me tiktoks everyday"

☆ "X person acts as if they don't like me, but i'm actually their favorite person"

☆ "X person gives me letters and tiny gifts everyday"

☆ "X person is pratically glued to me from how much time they spend with me"

☆ "X person and I have matching pfps on (app of choice)"

☆ "I have a lot of pictures of me and X person"

☆ "X person loves taking pictures with me, and of me when i'm not looking"

☆ "X person thinks about me everyday"

☆ "X person always worries about me and how i'm feeling"

☆ "X person admires my pictures everyday"

☆ "X person has me as their phone wallpaper"

☆ "X person wants to be around me all the time"

☆ "X person has the same sense of humour as me, and finds me really funny"

☆ "X people always want me around"

☆ "X person always jokingly flirts with me (but they're secretly serious)"

☆ "X person admires me when i'm not looking"

☆ "X person loves to stargaze because the stars reminds them of me"

☆ "X person's first instinct when they're bored is to think of me"

☆ "X person thinks i'm the best person they've ever met"

☆ "X person wouldn't trade time with me for anything in the world"

☆ "X person feels really comforted when i'm around them"

☆ "X person can't look at my lips too much or else they won't resist the urge to kiss me"

☆ "X person invites me to play videogames with them everyday"

☆ "X person buys a lot of things for me"

☆ "(song of choice) always make X person remind of me"

☆ "It's obvious to everyone that X person loves me"

☆ "X people always ships me with X person"

☆ "X person gets sad when i'm not around them"

☆ "X person only feels comfortable venting with me"

☆ "X person has a diary, and they write about me a lot in it"

☆ "X person always calls me by (nickname of choice)"

this was so fun to make! i'll gladly make a part two if y'all want! <3

[icewindandboringhorror]

boy in silly sitting positions compilation

[layla-carstairs]

Thomas going from defending Alastair to his friends and doubling down even when they all obviously disagree with him and wistfully remarking that he "like[s] his nonsense" in 1901 to saying him and Alastair are definitely not friends & that Alastair is objectively awful & debating if he should even speak to him in 1902.... like that has to be one of the most bizarre changes in character that has not and will probably never will be explained or even acknowledged

[moodr1ng]

i always say im able-bodied bc i feel like it best describes my General Lived Experience but i do have that like. thing in my legs where if i walk briskly for some distance (like 500 meters) i get this crushing pain in my whole lower legs which gets worse and worse if i keep walking until i eventually have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for it to go away. which im still trying to get diagnosed bc so far artery scans and muscle ultrasounds render nothing. and ngl it is like, an issue often enough and is a pretty bothersome thing when it happens (like not only bc its extremely painful but also having to find some place to sit down in the middle of the street and having to stay there a while isnt awesome) so im not entirely sure "able-bodied" fully describes me but i also am not sure its a disability bc we dont know wtf it is. so i guess im kind of in a weird inbetween where i err on the side of just assuming its not a disability and its just like, an annoying body thing..

[ra-vio]

I thought doing this meme would help me draw and that visually seeing how my style changed would make me feel good.

[mildmayfoxe]

tumblr just gave me a pop up that told me to update my ios bc the next version of the app won’t support ios 15. babe i would love to update my ios you think i’m living like this on purpose

[wavernot4love]

time 4 yet another wavernot4love gig recap, gloomtown rochester edition (aka my seventh time seeing idkhow, fourth in rochester, & third at the montage music hall, the latter two a feat i cannot say for many bands) (note this was typed primarily at three am last night so once again there is probably incoherent rambling):

- gonna start this off with this clip of sunnyside since 1. i think that is becoming my favorite song off gloom division and 2. the ending gives me a chuckle

- boring live finally came back 2 me after four long years!!!!

- (dallon neurodivergency mention when talking about the themes of gloom division) (crowd erupts in cheers)

- return of the mormon tabernacle choir comparison arrived post- a letter, with dallon saying the next song (what love) wasn't something they tell you about in church, in typical cheeky fashion

- somewhat related, bro was wearing a gold sparkly grandma cardigan and randomly ripped it off and threw it CLEAN through the doorway of the like, green room at montage mid- what love. speaking of he said people at the vip earlier apparently planned his outfit

- dallon straight up grabbed a kid by the hand mid song and yanked them out of the crowd & onstage so they could do a lil jig together? good for them!!!

- going to leave the dallon quote "this isn't a frat house!" here w/o context

- someone handed him a giant american flag with a picture of him printed on it. god bless america

- ALL OF THE BRACELETS/KEYCHAINS WENT? after the show maybe 40 of us camped outside in case dallon came out and at one point someone who had reached out about them came over & so did a BUNCH of other folks who realized there were, in fact, bracelets. my cousin referred to it as the "meet & greet" since there were barricades set up along the sidewalk which gave me a bit of a laugh. guess i'm making more for buffalo yippee!!!! possibly may make stickers too later if i have time. i'll probably post em, but otherwise look for the person w curly hair & a baggy black thought reform hoodie w bracelets on a carabiner!

- so while we were waiting my cousin and i were sat RIGHT next to the main entrance of montage, right? basically the start of a sort of line of people sat down going down the sidewalk.

anyways, at one point only maybe 45 minutes after the show, out of said main entrance strolls dallon. collective whiplash moment as bro took one look, stopped dead in his tracks, we all collectively looked at each other like

and dallon (who i think was truly surprised so many of us were out waiting in the cold) goes, lightheartedly but genuinely, "what are you guys doing all out here? it's freezing outside!"

and then proceeds to kinda frolick around for a couple minutes laughing w people or whatever. we didn't really approach him since i think he was a bit overwhelmed but it was still just a funny moment and we'll see what happens in buffalo! maybe less people will hang after so it'll be less intimidating for him.

- i do feel the need to mention i heard this one kid we were talking to bring up video games to him & dallon said he's not a huge video games person he just plays the last of us & spiderman really which is funny to me but fitting

- i did bring my point & shoot so once i edit those maybe i'll post some!

anyways, stoked on tomorrow's show yay!!!

[biromanticbookbabe]

Wow. Sometimes I'm very lucky and my bipolar doesn't always affect me much. But no such luck lately. I'm worried that I might have to retake my modern lit course because I was so late with many of my assignments. I've been mentally messed up more or less with a mixed mood episode since last September. I'm currently on the line of passing and not passing the class (granted there are a few ungraded assignments, including my final so it's still possible that I'm overreacting). I'm usually a good student too so it's a point of pride for me. I went from the honor roll to this all due to me fighting with an illness... :/ (It is my fault for not managing things better so I'm not looking for pity here- just talking).

I cannot imagine how horrible this disorder is for people who didn't have the option of medication (I am medicated, believe it or not). I think about that about that a lot since I study history and look into many writer's and artist's biographies in my spare time. I feel very bad for them since they basically had to live with this disorder without the fixes I have simply because I was born late enough for treatments to exist.

Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath both haunt me. Other people too. Yes, Lord Byron was extremely shocking but consider- we don't actually know what he would have been like if he could have been treated. He wouldn't have died at 36, I'm almost certain of that. I am highly aware of what this disorder has done to people before me. It doesn't make it better. But I keep looking back any way, to see that many of them did incredible things, in spite of it all.

I just keep thinking that if they could do so much without any treatment- that I should be able to function with treatment??? I know: don't compare yourself to other people but I'm desperate to know that I can be successful even with this illness. That it's not going to force me to leave school (the one thing I have been historically good at) and waste my life toiling away for nothing.

So if it seems as if I have been hitting my head against something lately, you aren't wrong. The fall is not generally my friend, pretty as the leaves are. I have not been having a good time of it but we must go on any way because what other option is there? None, I tell you.

[running-in-the-dark]

well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)

[abel-draws]

Falling in love over, and over and over again in the messiest ways possible

Chara (@hiimtryingtounderfell 's) and Deal are just. A.

[lionblaze03-2]

Yknow guys. I have my moments but honestly I’m really glad to be alive and get to experience this beautiful world... like the birds outside my window or my beloved beast bella (there is an animal!!! In my house!!! And she LOVES me!!!) and getting to see my best friend and watching tv and movies together and engaging with media and taking long car rides. Life is so beautiful and I’m so glad I never forget it too long. Every little thing that makes you feel joy is a reason to be on this earth, so cherish every last one, because you deserve it. You deserve to feel how beautiful the world can be. Even if it sucks dick sometimes. Sometimes everything sucks and then you see a cardinal out the window competing with another for a female and everything’s okay again. Theres joy in every day, so please go out there and feel it as hard as you can, embrace everything that makes you happy. Live. We deserve it.

[vegaseatsass]

I always thought aging baggage was about like, societally induced bullshit about what our bodies should do and look like that mostly couldn't touch me because 1. I find the "look like" side of things sexy and have been anticipating The Changes with great eagerness since I was a teen 2. unpacking attitudes around disability and what my body can do is another thing I've been doing on and off since I was a teen (even if More is not such an eager process) what I didn't account for is the phenomenon of time??? moving faster and faster??? every year??? How terrifying it feels? To just not understand where 365 days went. For decades to disappear in a blur... it legitimately unsettles me!!

I have a bday coming up and I'm really trying to hold onto these contradictions. Half "Yesssss I'm heading into my sexiest years" half "but my 2018 birthday just happened. wtf"

[bandzboy]

also now that i exposed my bias list is it a good time to say that i've been.... like a huge jaehyun and mark stan lately bc...? 🤸‍♂️

[psychoticwillgraham]

sorry I’ve been offline all day, I was sleeping. again 😒. it’s probably bc my sleep schedule got so fucked up while I was on my trip (bc my dad’s work schedule is weird as fuck and always overnight) and the stress of fresh grief due to grandmas bday being back on Wednesday. all I’m doing is sleeping. like I’ll wake up for my meds and be awake for like an hour, then I’ll go right back to sleep and stay asleep for another 7+ hours, then the cycle just keeps repeating itself. im just as paranoid and jumpy as I was before the trip and now all of my progress is gone, which I figured would happen.

[pepprs]

“going” “on” “a” “walk” “with” “redacted” “today” 🫣