#the most devastating moment in cr for me

[jasontoddiefor]

okay but it’s a personal offense to me that there’s not a single AU WWX gets summoned by LWJ’s so far spurned wife in a “if he won’t like me, I’ll give him his greatest enemy” kinda move. The fucking hilarity that would be. The possibilities.

LWJ realizing within 0.2 seconds and immediately becoming a dutiful husband. It takes like 7 years until sth vaguely canon happens and anyone realizes just who’s been chilling in the CR for so long

WWX fucking off to his summoner’s home sect and getting up to shenanigans there

NHS realizing and there being a whole “oh is she cheating on her husband?” To identity reveal to LWJ having a whole dumbass devastated “Wei Ying prefers NHS” moment

LQR, of all people, realizing, resulting in the most bizarre “okay how did she even know how to do this, we need to investigate and get you back dead” in-laws mystery solving road trip

Like, c’mon this is such a funny set up. I deserve this

[eyeofthebrainstorm]

As I star camping 3 I'm trying to understand why campaign 2 didn't impact me as much as the first one.

It's not that I didn't like it, the story is still one of the closest to my specific taste than most stuff in current pop culture (and the same goes for what I've seen of campaign 3 so far).

But during campaign 1 I cried my eyes out 2 or 3 times and at the end I was devasted. There's so much I miss about it: it felt like they took their time a lot more, I liked the fact that they had downtime to see what times of peace did to VM, I liked how they took care of every side quest before the final battle (Pumat needed basilisk oil or something and the M9 never delivered), I feel like they allowed themself to lose time or take time for moment they cared about... Honestly I missed the first episodes when they were eating while playing and the sound was terrible.

I guess now it feels more like they're making content than playing dnd. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I guess the speed at which I caught up with all of it also factors in, gave me a little bit of whiplash.

But one last thing I'm trying to figure out, and I'm not sure I did yet... Vox Machina felt more adult. I don't know how to explain it yet, I can't pinpoint what it is. But I know that a big thing for me with VM was that it felt that I was watching something made for adults. Fun and light and deep and for adults. Vax and Vex were my same age and there was something very comforting about that. And I have no solid arguments why M9 felt more like YA to me, I guess the stories had more of a coming of age feel to them (Jester, Beau, Fjord and in some ways Caleb and even Cad).

When M9 ended I felt like there was so much more they could do, and I'm glad to know they rivisisted them to close some loose threads.

That said, I really love CR and it's still one of my favorite things ever and I'm excited about campaign 3, maybe I just miss Vox Machina. Feel free to let me know: which is your favorite campaign? Do you agree with C2 being less adult than C1?

[rotschopf-thedrow]

7 snippets, 7 mutuals

Got tagged by the awesome @cr-noble-writes <3 Thank you!

No pressure tags: @lonesurvivorao3, @ficbrish, @valka-arialitan, @mallaidhsomo, @nyamadermont, @clericofshadows & @kalliesa, if you feel inclined ^^

I only have one WIP I'm currently working on - The loneliest Hour - and the story only has 6 chapters. Ah well. Something from a one-shot, then? Perhaps? ;)

So, one snippet from every chapter of TLH + an yet untitled one-shot.

1. The music turned to a slower, more sensual rhythm that belied the lyrics accompanying the song. They spoke of hurt, of loneliness, of devastation; of loss so profound it threatened to rip you apart on the very seams of your being; of not being alone in that moment, of being allowed to lean on someone. Kaidan put up no resistance when Coats pulled him closer, encouraging him to accept it. It would take Kaidan a long time to come to terms with losing Shepard, to accept that he himself was still alive when so many good people had gone down with the Normandy.

2. He took a sharp breath when he felt Coats’ fingers sliding under his uniform shirt, unto his bare, sweat-damp skin on the small of his back.

“So, do I get to call you Daryl?” Kaidan whispered against Coats’ ear, revelling in the shiver that travelled through Coats’ body.

“You sure as hell get to call me Daryl,” Coats replied just as huskily, and Kaidan had to suppress a moan when Coats’ lips travelled along his hairline. Fuck.

3. He knew he would if he were interested in someone. “You know, you have an awful tendency to show up at the most convenient opportunities, Daryl,” he finally said, placing the glass back on the table and making sure his fingers brushed against Coats’.

A glint lit up Coats’ eyes, and he smirked. “Do I now.”

“Yes.” Kaidan narrowed his eyes, inclining his head slightly. “And you’re a shameless flirt, who neither calls nor writes.”

Coats snorted. “Same goes for you, Kaidan.”

“True. What’s your reason you never got in touch with me?”

Coats took a deep breath and stole Kaidan’s shot of whiskey, sniffing it before he took a careful taste. “I didn’t think you wanted that kind of attention from someone like me.” Coats’ words hit Kaidan directly in the gut. “The longer I didn’t hear from you, the more I believed it. What’s your excuse?”

4. “No need, James. It’s just that someone needs to drill it into the head of this idiot from time to time that he’s worth it. Especially when his man is not around.”

“Wait, what?” Vega’s eyes jumped from Kaidan to Shepard and back. “I thought… you two are… you know. Most of the crew do.”

Kaidan groaned. He had been waiting for it to happen and, frankly, it amazed him that it had taken so long to come up. Back on the first Normandy, Ash had waited a full two days to ask him if he was dating Shepard.

“We’re not together, James,” Shepard finally said after a moment of awkward silence.

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t fuck up the best friendship I’ve ever had for a lay I wouldn’t enjoy anyways,” Shepard replied. “But that is beside the point.” He sighed. “I appreciate the sentiment, Kaidan. I really do, but it had to be me. Leviathan only let me go because it was me, because of who I am. It would’ve killed you, and that is something I wouldn’t have been able to bear.”

5. He would probably never get used to Shepard just turning himself into a weapon, but it was still a sight to behold. “So what? I’m not allowed to kiss my man goodbye?” he asked, emptying a clip into a couple of marauders.

He hated those things. They were somehow capable of bolstering the armour of close-by husks and cannibals, turning a skirmish into a fully-fledged battle in no time if they weren’t taken out as fast as possible.

“Maybe the James-human does not understand those things since he has no mate,” Javik commented, and Kaidan was almost certain that this was a smirk he could hear in Javik’s usually solemn voice.

“The James-human does understand it very much,” Vega retorted, stomping on the neck of a downed marauder with more force than necessary. “The James-human just chooses his mates as carefully.”

6. “I joined because of Shepard, Cool Aid down there,” he continued and gestured towards a huge marine at the end of the line, “as well. Martens was in Coats’ company before they arrived at the FOB, and you, sir, saved my sorry ass from a banshee. We owe you, and with your permission, we’d like to join your efforts in finding Shepard, and Major Coats as well.”

For a fleeting moment, Kaidan didn’t know what to say. They knew. They knew about him and Coats and had just made it their objective to help him find his man and his best friend. This was loyalty no amount of pay could buy. This was loyalty forged on the battlefield, and Kaidan was thankful for it.

He nodded. “Permission granted, marines. Thank you.” “Hooyah!”

And now for the snippet of a yet untitled one-shot that is set beofre The Loneliest Hour:

7.If there was one trait Daryl Coats attributed to himself, it would be “stealth”. He had been stationed far behind enemy lines, had stood knee-deep in batarian corpses and still made the enemy believe their people had died in a freak accident. One well-placed shot from his sniper rifle exploding one fuel tank had put an end to the uprising on Mavigon, effectively saving todays Admiral Mikhailovich’s arse from getting busted.

Stealth was his business if he wanted to and, thus, it didn’t come as a surprise to him that no one seemed to notice him slipping into Court Room 3. No one had bothered to inform him of the proceedings though his sister had died in the Battle of the Citadel. There were a lot of people missing from the court room: All the families and friends of the 2,400 soldiers and crew who had died defending a Council they had only heard of in tall tales. The least he could do to honour their sacrifice was to be here and look their murderers in the eye.

[llycaons]

ep32 (1/3): *through tears* xiao zhan is really good in this one

dude this entire sequence is so heartbreaking I don't even care how wwx got into jinlintai. he's a genius I'm sure it wasn;t hard. but like! him being on the outside looking in! excluded! seeing his sister in horrible pain and knowing HE's the one who did that to her. desperately wanting to comfort her but what can he even say!!

xl was so fucking good this episode. that is the face of a woman ravaged by grief but desperately keeping it together

jzx rly got fridged for a woman who got fridged immediately afterwards. not even significant enough for a firsthand fridging

I don't much care about jzx's death, but this line is heartbreaking

oh my god and his mom leaving and then breaking down when she's out of earshot of jyl. fucking brutal. her actress did amazing. there's so much grief here.

this scene had me in tears what can you even say look at their FACES

and ofc wwx is out of mind with grief, probably hasn't eaten or slept in days, continually dogged by the resentful spirits he's commanding, seeing visions of his sister who he loves more than anything else in this world....fuck

and he wasn't even able to tell her to her face! and when he reached out she vanished! DEVASTATING. the fact that they both had visions of each other because they were so terrified/heartbroken about the thought of losing each other or of hurting each other. fuck

we don't see wwx grab his abdomen like that often. assuming the resentful energy is acting up and hurting him without a core to mitigate the effects

and here wwx is stone cold. cutting, callous, vengeful. it's quite a different aspect of him, one that I don't think we've ever seen before, not to this extent. we've seen him taunting and angry before, but this icy rage is terrifying. and it's wrong, on him. this isn't how he's supposed to be

that look alone. whew

even through it all he's so funny ugh. nobody did it like him

CHILLING. go get em wwx

the bodies of the wens are shown hanging here too, but they made me sad so I didn't get pics

'5000 cultivators'

you know what I love? the music swelling here is so heroic. epic and sweeping, clearly telling the tale of great warrior sects who joined to defeat a dark and devious evil. wwx appearing on the roof of the building laughing is a scene out of a far more simplistic wuxia. one where the good guys really are the majority and the people in power really do care about justice, the villains outliers and outcasts, cruel and shameless and unapologetic. the stage is being set so perfectly for the confrontation that will happen in a few hours, the one we saw at the beginning of the show. but we know at this point that there's so much more nuance than was initially presented

oh shut the fuck up. stop having a moment I hate you two

jc looks pretty upset this episode but until jyl runs in he doesn't do much besides look distressed.

YOU MURDERED LIKE 50 INNOCENT PEOPLE YOU FUCK.

I guess technically jgs is also in mourning but I don't give a shit about his grief and I'm glad that nobody else does either

godddd fuck wen qing 🥺 yeah jc you think about the consequences of your decisions

not that this is all jc's fault but I hope he feels guilty. though...based on how he acts postcanon, any guilt he's ever harbored has been either overshadowed by his rage and grief, or simply pushed aside since he doesn't want to confront the fact that maybe he could have acted differently

looking disapproving and somber is also not helping. god you're all so useless

tho man. at this point I don't think much could be done

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN. oh right he was running to BM and then running back to CR with a-yuan. but literally this entire showdown takes so long I am shocked he doesn't arrive to the pledge sooner

THERE HE IS!!!!! appearing like a nightmare on a moonlit night, slouched arrogantly, appearing every inch the villain they call him. ah. delicious

I love this scene so much because 1. it some of the most banger lines in anything I've ever seen and 2. wwx has been fairly unrestrained before but this is him at PEAK not-giving-a-shit. he's fully unleashing, giving just as good as he gets. I'm sure through the haze of grief and anger he was somewhat satisfied

he's just so horrifically alone up there

oh shut the fuck up nie mingjue

the white paint they put on his face makes him look SO good im sorry my love i know you're having a mental breakdown but you look so so cool and ethereal and sexy rn

OH OHHHHH. okay I get it now. wen ning and wen qing went to turn themselves in. the other wens went along NOT to turn themselves in, but just to witness, and they were murdered too. still very stupid, but not as dumb as I thought initially

a lot of the dialogue in this show is delivered via rhetorical questions. I'm sure it makes it hard to write fic that sounds accurate. I've certainly never read anything with the exact cadence of canon

[theboookwitch]

Finished “Moonshine” and I have so many [good] feelings. I’ve seen other people review it and post about it and it did not get good reviews, and I just disagree wholeheartedly and will fight about it. It’s not the perfect show, but it was perfect for me. I will say upfront - the women are 90% of the reason I loved this show...

Women + Friendships

First of all, I actually LOVED every single woman in this show. So many times in Kdramas the FL is a pushover who does dumb or reckless things because of some emotional whim. And a trend I’ve noticed in historical dramas is that the women are just motivated by blind ambition to get their son on the throne (or something along those lines) so you end up hating them for being malicious. Often, the women side characters are not given any depth or character development and they’re just used to move along the ML’s plot or character arc. In “Moonshine”, I ended up understanding and truly enjoying all of the ladies. Even the Royal Consort who at first was questionable became a character that I loved. She just wanted to protect her son, and she could’ve just blindly followed what the Chief Royal Secretary made her do, but in the end, she made the right choice. 

I loved that the women weren’t pitted against each other. In most other dramas, Ro Seo and Ae Jin would have been rivals and Ae Jin would’ve inevitably been made to be petty or something. But the way that they worked together to smuggle alcohol and later to defeat the CRS, was so good. I loved that they became family. When Ae Jin slapped the Crown Prince for being an idiot, I literally cheered alone in my house lol Also, Ae Jin having a shoplifting phase because her life felt out of control? I felt seen. The Queen could’ve easily been a villain who only wanted her child to be on the throne, but she ended up being such a morally strong character who wasn’t blindly led by some bad guy in maroon on the court (they always wear maroon). Ro Seo and her bestie were so such badasses, never backing down no matter how many times their plans got fucked up. Ugh I love all of these women. It was so refreshing to have these fully fleshed out, strong women who weren’t just doormats. I think that’s also why I loved “Rookie Historian” so much as well. 10/10

The Rest

I saw a lot of reviews that complained about the pacing, but I actually didn’t mind it. Maybe because I binged it in three days, but either way, I was hooked and always excited about the next episode. I loved how there really wasn’t a huge Noble Idiocy plot line and even the misunderstandings were cleared up pretty quickly. I loved the dynamic between the romantic leads. He started out as a stickler for the rules who saw everything in black and white, but his character grew so much because of Ro Seo’s influence. I thought their chemistry was really good and the fact that they both had their eyes closed on their first kiss and didn’t just do a dead fish moment - FINALLY GOD IS IT SO HARD!!!!!! Also, I’ve already posted it, but when Nam Young says “I will count to ten and to ten again. And even then, it is you for me.” ARE YOU KIDDING?! One of my favorite confessions. I replayed it multiple times tbh

I loved that the Crown Prince and Nam Young became friends and grew because of each other as well (even though the Crown Prince was a massive idiot for some bits). And Oh My God...the thugs becoming her loyal followers. I LIVED for it. I love any storyline of rebellion against the ruling class, and doing that by taking over the illegal alcohol industry? They really said “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss,” and I’m here for it. 

One of the best things was the storyline between Woon Sim and Sim Heon. It was really well done and even though I didn’t love that she took her life, I definitely get it. Losing someone you love, whether it’s romance or family or friendship, is devastating and after facing so much loss, I truly understand not wanting to go on. Plus she took control and took her death into her own hands when she would’ve inevitably been used or killed by the Chief Royal Secretary. (As a side note - Sim Heon was so fine...)

Also, I loved the random goofiness - from the music that sounded like the “Seinfeld” theme song to the like moments where it kind of broke genre and did like comic book things...it was so good to me. 

Final Thoughts

Yes, I understand that this drama isn’t perfect. I think they revealed the bad guy and his intentions a little early so that did feel kind of dragged out, but honestly...I think this is going in my top 5. It just hit all the right notes for me, and I think the fact that the women were so strong and truly led the show really set it apart. Anyways...go watch “Moonshine”.

[dent-de-leon]

Top 5 CritRole episodes!

Okay, SO!! Sorry this took so long and that I ended up writing just way too much. I got a few different variations of this question a while ago, and it took a bit to think about. CR episodes are honestly so long, it just leaves me with too much I want to say. 

I’m sticking with just Campaign 2 episodes to help narrow this down a bit. Also, this is really just me rambling about how much I love the Nein and especially Molly. So: 

5) Episode 1: Curious Beginnings. I watched that stream live and it just made me so happy and excited and I don’t think anything else got me invested so quickly. I’d heard of Critical Role before, tried to watch a few episodes of Campaign 1 but kept feeling a little lost at first. Decided to try again with the premiere of C2, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off it. 

Everyone’s characters meeting for the first time was so much fun and Matt putting on the whole fantastical circus show was just magical. Pretty sure I fell for Mollymauk the very second Taliesin started speaking, and that’s my own fault. I don’t know, early C2 and that first episode especially just have a certain charm to me, it really drew me into the story and made me feel for these characters. All of them being outcasts also made them very endearing to me. They were fun and scrappy and (mostly) untrusting, and still they all came crashing into each other, and it felt like they belonged together. 

After that, I kept watching all the other episodes live until one day when I couldn’t because something else came up--that ended up being episode 26. I literally could not make this up. Very first time I ever missed an episode, but found out what happened later that night and could not bring myself to watch CR again for several months. Absolutely hit me out of nowhere and broke my heart. 

4) Episode 86: The Cathedral. I love Yasha, I really do. And this is one of those episodes that reminds me why. Beau just saying, “Long time no see,” when Yasha stalks up to her, still trying to just talk to her friend even though she can’t hear her. That devastating crit. Ashley being so upset that she has to keep attacking Beau even after she falls, Matt saying, “It evokes imagery that you’ve seen once before,” and Marisha just going, “Molly...” Yasha crying when she lands that blow and then walks away from Beau. 

Lightning shattering all the stained glass windows as Yasha falls to the floor with such a cathartic scream when she’s finally freed. Caduceus being the one to dispel Obann’s control and then stabilizing Beau in the same turn, because Grave Clerics are unbelievable. Yasha finally being free again after so long, knowing that she was saved by her family.

And really, there’s something so haunting and fitting about the imagery of Yasha ripping Obann’s wings off in front of shattered stained glass. We know how much earning her wings means to Yasha, so this punishment really feels like one of the most thematically compelling instances of How Do You Want To Do This. I think it also feels extra special because not only is Yasha back, but we finally get Ashley back. And I love it. Taliesin just throwing an arm around her and going, “Fuck some shit up!!” is one of my favorite things. 

Also!! This whole combat is wild. Caleb crashing through the stained glass window on his cat’s paw in the most cinematic way, and then tumbling down off the claws and falling to the floor because he is still a squishy little wizard with no athletics. That moment when Obann charms Beau and she just thinks of meditating at the sea in Nicodranas, using Stillness of Mind to break free through sheer force of will. 

The fact that we finally get to see Pumat fighting!! Taliesin and Liam simultaneously screaming, “Pumat Swole!!” Veth being charmed for like half the episode and how absolutely hilariously Sam plays it. I also think Veth had a very cool HDYWTDT too, when she draws her crossbow and the Traveler’s hand reaches out to correct her aim just a bit, helping her strike the cultist down. It’s just one of those little things that shows how everyone’s gods really looked out for the party. Then there’s the Inevitable Friend phasing in and out and haunting the whole battle, which I just think is very fun. 

3) Episode 111: New Homes and Old Friends. WIDOGAST’S NASCENT NINE SIDED TOWER!! Liam narrating so much of the episode, taking his friends on a tour of this lovingly handcrafted gift he’d been working on for so long just for them. The way Caleb catered it to everyone’s personalities so well, the care and thought and love he poured into all of it, because creativity in magic is how Caleb expresses himself.

The Nein were all just so moved by Caleb’s kind and attentive nature, all of them so grateful for this new home. There’s so many cute little moments, like Jester cuddling with all the cats. Or Fjord saying that everything in his room is just perfect, except, “Could I make a small request? Critique? The hammock was amazing. Could you make it sway as if I was in a boat? It was the only thing that was missing.” 

Mollymauk’s stained glass mural is one of the first things that you see after you really enter the tower. The pain in Caleb’s voice when he says he’s been planning this since half the party was taken by the Iron Shepherds. The knowledge that he wanted to build a shelter and home for all of them, a place where they could always feel safe at night.

How much it hurts to see that Caleb still isn’t ready to extend that same love to himself; the way he waits for everyone to fall asleep so he can sit in a replica of the room where he was tortured, still thinking about Astrid and Wulf and Trent and everything he’s endured until now. It’s another reminder of how Caleb will always carry these scars, and how badly he just wants to rebuild the life he lost. 

And of course, we have the Eyes of Nine. It’s just fascinating watching the Mighty Nein unravelling the trail Lucien and the Tomb Takers left behind. Marisha is such a voracious notetaker and she really gets so excited with her theories throughout the episode. 

I also love the part where they find out that Cree no longer works for the Gentleman, when they collect on all their blood vials and Beau just says, “We want that one that’s labeled Mollymauk.” I remember that moment gave me chills the first time I watched it. I don’t know, I just really love seeing Beau do detective work and collecting all her notes and the look of absolute horror on Caleb’s face when she tears out a page from this book at the Cobalt Soul. I could just watch a whole miniseries that’s just Beau solving weird mysteries.

Then there’s the question of whether or not to visit Mollymauk. Jester had offered to bring Caleb’s parents back before, and while he thinks that isn’t possible (maybe because he doesn’t have their bodies??). He does ask if Jester could bring back Mollymauk instead. “I have a foolish question, perhaps...Jester, you only just asked me about potentially bringing my mother and father back. While not possible, because we have no--well. It’s not possible. But if he still lies at rest where we left him, is it possible...?” 

That alone just breaks my heart, because we know reuniting with his parents is what Caleb wants most of all. And while he believes it just isn’t possible under the circumstances, that he just can’t have that right now--he does dare to hope that maybe, just maybe, he can still bring back someone else that he lost. 

And he’s so driven and just excited at the thought, at the hope, “It could be a reunion,” that Jester actually takes him aside and gently tells him why everyone else is so hesitant to bring Molly back; trying her best to manage his expectations and make him understand why the rest of the Nein aren’t pushing for this like he is. “Caleb? I think one of the reasons why some of us are...a little hesitant to go talk to Molly, is because it is a little painful, to do that. So, that’s maybe why Beau is...is holding back on that, I think. Just so you know...But it’s important.” “I think so.” 

How anxious Beau and Yasha are about the thought of visiting Mollymauk, how both of them especially have been dreading this moment. Beau reaching out to hold her hand because she knows Yasha still aches with grief. Veth wanting to check the grave, but promising to be careful, to try and not disturb Mollymauk if his body is still there. 

The anticipation steadily building throughout this entire episode and finally leading up to this--to everyone’s blood running cold when Veth gently disrupts the grave site and realizes something’s very wrong. Caleb immediately dropping down to his knees and saying, “I’m going to hell anyway,” and just clawing away at the dirt. The implication that Caleb believes he himself is already doomed, and has no qualms about whatever he has to do to try and reach Mollymauk. Everyone looking on in disbelief, the grave getting dug up more and more, until they know for sure it’s empty. 

Jester scrying one last time and seeing Lucien in the snow with a smile on his face. Everyone screaming and pointing fingers at Taliesin and how absolutely chaotic that whole cliffhanger is. Taliesin being so smug and excited even though he’s completely in the dark about what Matt’s plotting and honestly doesn't know anything.

I’d love this episode if it was just Caleb’s tower showing his love for the rest of the Nein, or just the grave being empty--that rush of adrenaline and sudden hope of possibility. But it’s both of those things combined with the fact that Caleb of all people is the one most driven to return to Molly’s grave, the one who keeps asking if they can bring him back.

2) Episode 14: Fleeting Memories. I feel like this one has to have a high spot purely for how many times I’ve rewatched it and the kind of impact it had on me. We find out so many interesting things about Mollymauk’s backstory--just enough to make it all the more gutting when we lose him so soon. But there’s so much about his personality in that Zone of Truth scene that really stuck with me, that makes it clear the exact kind of person he is. A number of Mollymauk lines that I will never be over: 

In response to Caleb asking, “Are you a good guy?” the absolute sincerity of, “I’d like to think so.” 

“Can you imagine what it would feel like to not remember anything that happened to you so far?...It’s very freeing. It’s the best thing--it’s the thing that happened to me. It’s not the best thing that happened to me, it’s the thing that happened to me. I found peace in building a new person. [In] the Moonweaver--”

“I don’t want to remember anything. I don’t want anybody else’s baggage in my head, I don’t want anybody else’s problems, thoughts, ideas...I like this person. [This person], right now, is a good person, is a fine person, is a happy person.” 

“I like my bullshit. It’s good. It’s happy. It makes other people happy.” 

“Literally decorated a pair of swords to make them look special. Thought maybe it’d make it less likely they’d think there’s something special about me...”

“Things came back quick, and the circus helped. They were good people. They did a lot for me, and joy can fill an awful lot in a person’s life.”

“I may be a liar, but I’m never a betrayer. I’m honest in my work and I believe in doing a good turn.”

“I stayed with that circus for two years, I know how people treat each other. It’s important.”

“I don’t care where you’ve been. I don’t care what terrible things any of you have done. You’re here now. This is how it works.” 

“I always try to be helpful when I turn cards for people.”

“I’ll tell you--and this is true--I did my best every town I went to and every town I left, no matter how they treated me. And a lot of them treated me with deep disrespect...I left every town better than I found it.” 

Caleb telling Molly, “I am satisfied, Mollymauk Tealeaf. For now.” And Molly, who’s still experiencing his worst nightmare, being so grateful for any bit of support. “This was not how I expected this to go. Thank you.” 

Molly just quietly patting Yasha on the back and going, “Thank you, dear,” when the spell ends, just happy that she’s here with him now and would never abandon him over Lucien’s past. 

It just means a lot to me that Mollymauk is someone who carved his own path, who was so unapologetically and loudly himself, colorful and daring and fiercely protective. He’s absolutely fine with deceiving everyone, but he believes his bullshit is so much kinder than the truth and makes people happy. Sincerely wants to leave every single place better than he found it. 

Won’t let anyone else or anything from the past define him, slowly reclaims his body piece by piece with tattoos of his own art to cover up Lucien’s marks. Someone who’s been through so much pain but has also learned to fill his life with a lot of joy. I just love everything Molly’s story represents and I’m so grateful for what little of it we are lucky enough to see. 

Also, we learn about the Tombtakers! And get to see a glimpse of Cree’s blood magic. 

1) Episode 140: Long May He Reign. This episode has everything. It’s “You’re killing her! You love her. You’re killing her.” “Molly, I’ve never forgiven myself! For not being there--when you died. I wish I could have saved you. I wish I could’ve done something.” “Please come back to us. I’ve missed you so much. I don’t really know what to say or how you’re supposed to do this, but all I want is for you to be here right now. And be whole.” “I just lean down and kiss him on the cheek.” “Empty no longer, Mr. Tealeaf.” 

It’s “Whoever it was, just put it back. I think they’ve earned it. Put it back.” “Love.” All of it still feels so heartbreaking and heartwarming and bittersweet and surreal. 

I think everything about 140 was just about perfect and that Lucien was absolutely worthy of being the final villain. Aeor Arc is one of my favorites, I don’t think Campaign 2 could ever be the same without it. The Mighty Nein taking down Lucien and saving the world that will never thank them, risking their lives because they want to save all their loved ones--including Mollymauk--that just feels right. 

So much of 140 feels like the narrative really coming full circle in a way that’s just so rewarding and cathartic. It’s thematically fitting because so much of C2 revolves around redemption, new starts, rebirth--this notion that it’s never too late for a second chance, so long as your heart is open to it. 

Vox Machina are forever known as heroes. The Nein don’t get that; no one but each other will ever know everything they risked and what they fought to the death against. But all their suffering isn’t for nothing. They get back their friend. They all get to go home together. That’s their reward. And without it, I think C2 would just feel too tragic. Not even bittersweet, just...hollow, as if getting their hopes up again and again only to have to go through this grieving process all over was just inevitable. 

My heart’s still aching over how much love Mollymauk and the rest of the Nein have for each other; it’s the entire core of episode 140, and the entire overarching final arc of this campaign. I can’t get over that moment when Laura suggests the reason Lucien attacked Jester and Caleb so viciously--and eventually killed them--was because they were the ones who kept reaching out to Molly and really breaking through. Molly laughs at Jester’s joke, tears his claws across his own face when he realizes Lucien hurt her. Stops himself from hitting Beau. 

And when Caleb calls out to Molly, that too shakes something in Lucien. The way Caleb’s voice breaks a little in each plea, the way he looks to Molly and begs, “Please, don’t give up. You can find your own life again. There will be time for that later.” It’s so satisfying to see Matt work in a mechanic where the Nein are rewarded for bonding with Molly and trying to free him. 

Then it’s Jester of all people who gets the How Do You Want To Do This, who still talks to Molly right up until the end, wants him to know that the Nein all love him and they still want him to come home. It’s the very thing her tarot reading somehow foretold, and that in itself is so unbelievable. “I know you’re in there, Molly. We love you so much, and we want you back. Lucien doesn’t deserve you.” Those last haunting moments when Mollymauk briefly regains control. And he finishes it himself, tears himself apart because he refuses to let anyone control him, won’t let his body be used to hurt any of his loved ones again. It’s vivid and visceral and too painful. 

And that resurrection--I’m still reeling from that. Caleb’s plea to the rest of the Nein to save Molly is so heartbreaking. He just came back from death himself, is still in so much pain. But he just limps over to Molly’s body, determined to do what he came here for. “Why did we come this far, if not for this?...Why did we go so far and fight so hard? We would do this for any one of us.” 

For Caleb, it was always leading up to this. He couldn’t conceive of going to Cognouza if they didn’t bring Mollymauk home with them; he was never going to leave there without trying everything he could to rescue him. Like how Jester said she never forgave herself after Molly’s death, never stopped wishing she could have done something to help him. Because Mollymauk will always be a member of the Mighty Nein, and he won’t let any of them get left behind. When Caduceus asks if they could perform the ritual after they plane shift, Caleb is adamant that they don’t wait another moment. “No. Now.” 

It’s Caleb who performs the ritual, and it’s the greatest culmination of all his power and arcane studies throughout the narrative. Liam describes how Caleb channels all of his magic and willpower and imagination into this, and how so very good and cathartic it feels to finally be able to heal instead of his powers being abused to tear down and destroy. 

And then Caleb gently encourages the others to come forward one by one.  Yasha first, who knew Mollymauk the most, who just wants to see her friend again more than anything and doesn’t want him to have to feel the gnawing pain of Emptiness anymore. Then Jester, still holding onto the cards Molly always used to make her happy, and she’s so excited to share she’s been learning tarot too. But it just isn’t the same without Molly. 

And finally Beau, because of course it’d be Beau. For a bit I think she really did believe Molly hated her, or that she hated him; and by the time she realized how very fond they actually were for each other, the mutual respect and playfulness and surprisingly vulnerable truths shared between them--they were nearly out of time. And Beau goes up to Molly last and she promises him that this time the Nein are strong enough to save him--the way Molly sacrificed himself to save all of them. 

My heart dropped when Matt rolled that natural 1. The soft way Caleb says, “He’s lifeless,” and then that painful goodbye. Brushing away a lock of hair and kissing Mollymauk on the forehead, returning that touch of tenderness Molly gave to him so long ago; it really is one of the most tragic moments and yet its also so full of love and longing, Caleb trying to offer Molly one last comfort. 

I know a lot of people don’t read Caleb and Molly’s feelings as romantic, but I think one of the most intimate and heartfelt lines in C2 is, “I lean down, kiss him on the forehead where he kissed me a long time ago, and push the sweaty hair out of his eyes.” Something about the fact that this one little comfort from Molly stayed with Caleb after all this time, was still on his mind. Caleb being closed off and so terrified of intimacy at first, but reaching out to Molly and returning his forehead kiss in the very end. 

Yasha crying, just looking to Caleb and going, “There’s nothing else to do? Caleb?” Because she just wants her best friend back, and she thinks if anyone could do it it would be Caleb, the person who argued so passionately to bring Molly back, the person most driven to resurrect him at the grave, the one who poured all their magic into the ritual. 

And Caleb can only helplessly say there’s nothing he can do. And Yasha, who is so torn apart, who loved Molly more than anyone, she cries for him again and insists, “Well, we can’t leave him here.” Because if nothing else, she wants Molly’s body to at least come home with them. She won’t leave him. 

Essek walks away and cries over this lost soul he never even met, so upset that Fjord goes to comfort him and they have a very bittersweet philosophical discussion about life and death. Jester goes to tell Molly goodbye. All of them lamenting the fact that after they fought so hard, they still couldn’t save this one person they loved so much. The absolute bitterness and defeat when Caleb says, “I know it was a hard-fought victory, but it still feels like we lost.” Essek actually admits this is the only time he’s ever seen Caleb look defeated, and that says so much about how gutting this loss was for him. To Caleb, none of it feels like it matters if they can’t bring Molly back. If the Nein aren’t all together.

And then Taliesin...Taliesin--the quiet way Deuces just walks off to the side, trying not to disturb the rest of the Nein while they commiserate and grieve, giving them a bit of space. And then, while he’s there--just for the hell of it--casting a final pivotal Divine Intervention. Because Deuces is such an empathetic and caring person, someone who looked at everything their friends went through and simply doesn’t think it’s fair that this member of their family was torn away from them. 

And it works!! Against all odds, after rolling a 2%, it really works. And it truly feels like it was meant to be. Matt laughing in disbelief and saying how much he just loves this game, the way all the other players went from choking up and crying to being unable to stop themselves from smiling...it just really does feel magical. 

And Molly’s first moments are so very heartbreaking; that innocence and vulnerability, the initial shock and fear and the way he just holds his head in his hands and keeps saying, “Empty.” Then Yasha walks forward and calls his name, says he isn’t Empty. And in that moment all his feelings come rushing back again, and Molly looks at her and just says, “Love” with such fondness and relief. Those moments when Yasha embraces him and gives him the biggest hug, just holds him close and is so grateful he’s here and whole...it’s so good, and Ashley and Taliesin play off each other in that scene so well.

It’s so clever and just beautiful that Taliesin doesn’t just leave Molly with Empty, but gives him a handful of other words too--the ones from his Tarot deck--those little virtue names Mollymauk assigned to all his loved ones even though they never knew. The realization that Molly was drawing cards for the Nein all this time, that he really did love them and wanted to remember his time with them. And now he finally gets to be with them again.

[hungrydolphin91]

Xillia update no. 8: We did it!! We got through the Zenethra and the cutscene barrage after. But first, a recap of everything along the way:

My sister still only plays Jude (fair) and links pretty much exclusively with Leia because their linked artes have combat AND group healing which is nice. Leia still remains her least favorite character though

Leia keeps yelling "I'm on fire!" during battle and it sounds distractingly literal. Doesn't help the Exodus agents are using actual flamethrowers

Her newest random ship is Agria/Ivar because they have the same chaotic energy. I think they would kill each other in minutes (her: "That's the point!")

At one point she responded to some nonsense Wingul said with "Okay Sasuke" and I lost it

She correctly called that the Elympions don't have mana lobes. I was very proud of her for guessing that considering she's only following like half of the story

The Zenethra would have been a terrible cruise ship. It's dark and there's only bars and long hallways with random things like rotting bones (though I'm assuming those weren't actually there 20 years ago)

We fought 2 more seat cushions (those spinny bacura things) and she finally pulled off Jude's mystic arte. She said it's a hassle but also used it again in the Gilland fight! She's getting so good at the game :)

Hilariously, I finished Gilland off with Alvin/Elize's giant pow hammer arte. A very "how do you want to do this" moment

She kept assuming Gilland was the big bad and that he'd survive somehow. I asked her who she thinks is the final boss now and she was unsure. "We killed Liam (Gilland), maybe Matt (Alvin)?" If she had picked one of the other CR voice actor besides the protagonist she'd have been correct haha

Right as Milla is walking dramatically up to the Lance to sacrifice herself: "This is where I betray you all" Me: "That would have been quite a twist"

We couldn't help laughing a bit at the anime-ness of everything that happens next. Stuff like "This where she fades into sparkles" "Or suddenly falls to the side" "And Jude shouts NOOOOOO!!" (most of which did happen)

Sis: "Oh great he's gonna be all depressed now isn't he" Yep.

Sis: "Wait, she blew up the ship WE were on?? So much for watching the ship! Also I knew we should have left her where we found her!!"

Cutscenes further ruined because Leia was wearing those swirly glasses and Jude still had his party hat (me: "For his pity party")

She finally started to like Leia for being the only one with common sense after Milla dies, but I doubt her appreciation will last

And yeah we had to lovingly mock Alvin for his terrible life choices and incapability to be an adult. Hating Jude for being a better person than him, dude needs serious therapy. Didn't stop us from mocking his flimsy reasoning though. "Juuuude!! This is YOUR fault! You killed Milla! You stranded me on this world! You shot a girl in the shoulder!!"

Like theyre both devastated that Milla died for nothing except in Alvin's case he's trying to make sure that it's true lol stop shooting the survivors you dumbass

My sister reacted to the "Milla isn't actually Maxwell" bit pretty calmly but she did seem intrigued. I had to be the one to point out how late it was so we could stop for the night

master post

[seosharks]

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[redjademilktea]

For the CR ask game questions: Dwarf, rogue, and barbarian! ☺️

HI HI thanks for the ask <3

dwarf: what is your favorite one-shot

It has the be the Elder Scrolls Online three parter they did before campaign 3 kicked off!! Does that count as a one-shot? I'm counting it as a one-shot. I already love the setting of Tamriel, but there was something so charming about the low-stakes "Hey, we're just trying to run a tavern here" vibe of the characters and plot. I still think about Sam reading off that incredibly long-winded order full of restaurant slang before rolling a natural 1 to finish off the episode xD

Oh, and Laura was playing a barbarian that was wonderful too!!

rogue: what was a moment that made you cry

You know this more than anyone, but Laudna dying was probably the most devastated over a fictional death in a long, long time. There was the inherent teseness of the emotional stakes in the moment (that Otohan fight, like the more recent one, was BRUTAL), of course. But, after the dust settled (both literally and figuratively), the tragedy of the situation regarding Laudna and her story really set in for me. That moment really clarified for me how much I love that spooky dead tree lady!!

barbarian: who is your favorite villain

Oh! Tough one!!! Can you count Liliana as a villain? I guess that's the really compelling part of her character because I can see the argument in all its facets. There's that tweet that always gets brought up about how Imogen has all the makings of a classic villain, motivations and all, but actively chooses to be good. And I think it's a wonderful story choice to have Liliana serve as that foil for her.

Liliana misses tending to the horses too. Liliana also dealt with the trauma, isolation, and loneliness brought upon her via her Ruidusborn nature. Liliana's only crime up until the point she joined the Ruby Vanguard was - much like Imogen - simply being born when a cursed moon housing an ancient god killer decided to flare.

It's these parallels that make Imogen's struggles with her mother so visceral. Imogen understands Liliana's motivations. She understands her struggles. But, most importantly, she simply can't understand the choices Liliana made regarding the Vanguard, working with Ludinus, etc. Why can't she just leave? Push back against the pull of Predathos? Why can't she see the harm she's causing, especially to someone she supposedly loves? Imogen can and has. What's so different about Liliana's situation? What is piece is Imogen missing from this puzzle?

It's no wonder why Imogen has those same feelings of abandonment trudged up every time Liliana - in Imogen's eyes - makes the choice to stay. Further, it's no wonder why Imogen can never fully let go of the prospect that her mother could be saved.

They are so similar after all. If Imogen could just figure out the right words to say. Find the right time to say them. If she just knew what thing she could do to hammer home the fact that the daughter she's so desperate to save is right there in front of her. A daughter that wants nothing more than for her mother to come home.

(Well, other than a dead lady who spookily animates random objects as a girlfriend, but she already has that).

I'm excited to see where the story goes regarding Liliana. Regardless of how it plays out, it's bound to lead Imogen to such fascinating places on a character level, and I can't wait!!

[ponzipilatwo]

Day 02

I am bombarded by the things I have to do. What should I do first? Where can I take the first step? What are the things I have to finish? I am lost. But whenever I look at him , all I can see is peace. If there is a way to stop the time just so I can look at him for eternity and not be bothered by the things I have to do, I would. My love, please don't get tired of me yet. -------- I told my mom half the things that worry me. I told her my future plans, the things I wanted to give up, the things I wanted to keep on holding on to. Did it made me feel better? For a moment, perhaps yes. But I'm still not okay. -------- I will have to wait more than 12 hours from now to go home to him. After shift, I have to go to QC to arrange my things. Then I will have to wait for him to go home before I can finally go. I want to see him, I want to hug him. Wanted to do everything with him. But most of all, I wanted to rest. And rest without him is not rest at all.

--------- I wanted to die. I excused myself from class in order to take a break in the CR. That's when thoughts of dying came in. What's the easiest way to do it? Whatever happens once I've done it will no longer concern me. But what stopped those thoughts is when I pictured him, crying in front of a lot of people. I saw how devastated he will be and I don't want to think about it anymore. If there is one person who keeps me alive, it's him. ---------- I cried, talked to my mom again. She did not provide any solutions or 100% support but I felt better. Is it the motherly love, or all I needed was an outlet? We decided that I have to be checked, this time, not by some quack doctor, we are going to a real hospital for mental health conditions. I know doing that wouldn't automatically make me feel better, but I like knowing that this is something explainable, not just something that is fundamentally wrong with me.

[notallwonder]

I don't remember ever feeling this bereft over CR before. I started watching campaign 2 after most of the story developments that may have devastated me had already happened. The sense that there is more story to come is comforting in a way that I don't have access to at the moment, experiencing this in real time. And this is not a cathartic sad (....yet).

Any way good show and also OUCH.

[harry-writings]

The Happy Years

- The one where Y/n is unhappy in her engagement and finds an escape with her former lover

Part 1

Masterlist

(A/N) IM SO EARLY IM SORRY I KNOW I SAID 9PM BUT IM DONE SO MUCH SOONER THAN EXPECTED OKAY IM SORRY LOVE YALL <3333

-

Three years later.

The heaviest of thunderstorms hit the city of London by early morning, the loss of the sun and the gloom of the day leaving Harry bedridden for the first time in weeks.

He always tried his best to avoid days like this — trapped within his home, caged in memories that make every step he takes heavier than the last, wishing for just the smallest taste of salvation — because it’s when he’s left alone between these walls that the darkest parts of him come out, ravaging, feeding off of what’s left of him.

Rain reminds him of the day Y/n left. Thunder reminds him of Malibu. Malibu reminds him of all the things he ever used to do with her — on the bed, on the couch, in the hallways.

There’s no escape from what he’s done.

But when the time hits two in the afternoon and Harry still hasn’t gotten up from under his blankets, he decides that doing even the bare minimum with his day would be some sort of accomplishment.

He decided to get the mail.

And what a terrible decision that was, Harry thinks, as he sees an envelope addressed to him in unfamiliar handwriting by an unfamiliar name. Something about it upsets his stomach and throws him off key, knowing in his heart that he shouldn’t open it, but it’s heavy in his hands and he can’t ignore the temptation of it all.

Another terrible decision he’s made.

Please join us for the wedding of Alfie Lexington & Y/n Y/l/n.

Saturday, September 25, 2021 at 3:00 PM.

Dartmouth House. Mayfair, London.

The downpour feels like a drizzle compared to the cries Harry lets out as he reads the wedding invitation, his worst nightmare playing out right before his very eyes and if he wasn’t already so fucked up, he’d try his best to ignore it.

Y/n played her move. She wants him to strike back. She wants to win and watch him lose more than he already has. That’s all she has left of him.

His lips tremble as he sniffles, the invitation shaking between his palms as he lets reality sink in.

Y/n is getting married.

Y/n is happy.

Y/n is going to spend the rest of her life with somebody other than him — somebody that was once his friend.

It's unfathomable to him. The connection him and Y/n shared was unlike any other. They were drawn to each other instantaneously, their feelings of infatuation never once dying down because it was simply incapable of doing so.

They put each other first. They made each other better people, helped each other grow through all the droughts and winter days, and continuously found ways to become closer to one another. They were so comfortable and confident in their company, and so every day they spent together within those four years had never been anything less than pure happiness.

They were meant to be. He didn’t see it then, but he sees it now, and now that’s all he sees because everything he sees is her. 

To know that it’s no longer the same for her kills him from the inside out, because now she really doesn’t belong to him.

He lets out a sound that can only resemble what would be a whine and a groan made together, sobbing as he flips the invitation around, only to find another saved date he just doesn’t have the heart to see — an engagement party for all the invited to join.

He’s so overwhelmed with devastation that his brain becomes fogged, his body disassociating from itself as he rips the invitation apart, growling and screaming and wailing as he just keeps ripping it and ripping it and ripping it.

He’s destroying it in the same way it destroyed him until he gives up, slamming his fists down upon the counter, losing control of himself beneath all his pain and regrets. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to happen. This isn’t what was supposed to come from this life.

He’s barely surviving as it is.

And he just needs to see her again.

But he doesn’t know how he’d react once he does. Whether he’d want to kiss her, to hate her, to love her all over again, he doesn’t know. His entire world is collapsing and he doesn’t know how to save it from falling apart. He can’t take any more risks when it comes to her.

But what is love without fear and danger? What would it say about him if he were to walk away from this now instead of trying just once more with her?

So with a heavy heart and a sobbing chest, he doesn’t take his chances.

And Y/n simply just couldn’t believe the sight in front of her.

Harry is standing at her doorstep, soaked head to toe, shaking in his bones. His lips are a light shade of blue and his eyes an alarming shade of red, somehow wetter than the rest of him. And as the thunder rumbles beneath her feet and nearly sends her to her knees, it goes to show her that he really is here, standing at her doorstep, and it’s not just a dream.

And she must have been struck by the shock of his presence because her tongue is suddenly tied, her throat dry, her lips fallen open yet forgetting how to breathe.

She just looks at him, soaking him all in, trying to understand what exactly led him back to the biggest mistake of his life.

“Harry?”

“So that was your way of getting back at me?! After three fucking years?!”

Her mouth falls open in disbelief, her eyebrows furrowing in defense. How he could possibly accuse her of something she didn’t even do — considering she hadn’t made any attempts to reach out to him since the moment she left Malibu — makes her feel even more betrayed than before.

He should know her better than this. He should know her from the inside out at this point, but she supposed three years really is a long time, because she’s never seen this side of Harry before. He seems so different to her now.

“Don’t you dare come to my home and try to make an ass out of me! Since when have I ever been the kind of person to get back at somebody?!”

Harry stutters for a moment, his anger and jealousy and hurt blinding him from the truth that Y/n never goes out of her way to get even. Her heart is too big, but he can’t shake this feeling that the person who sent him the invitation was out to do him harm.

And nobody had more of a reason to hurt him than Y/n.

“So the wedding invitation, then? You had nothing to do with that?”

He speaks it condescending, as if he didn’t believe a word she said, but that’s not what it comes down to. It comes down to the fact that she has moved on and found herself somebody so much better than him, and he has no one.

She shakes her head as if to gather her thoughts, confused about how he even found out about the wedding considering Harry quit the firm just hours after he left Malibu, leaving him with no contact to anybody that had any string tied back to her.

“Of course I had something to do with the wedding invitations! I’m the one getting married!”

She pauses then, her cold demeanor dropping into something Harry wants to say resembles a hint of relief, but it’s much more cross than that, much more serious, and he doesn’t expect what’s coming next.

“That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Me getting married?” She speaks it through a small, bitter laugh. “I should have known the only way you’d fight for me was by being with somebody else. You never could stand being second to me, as ironic as that is.”

“I could give two shits about you getting married.” He lies through clenched teeth, his stomach sick at the mere thought of it. “But I do have an issue with you inviting me to your wedding after walking out on me.”

Her head snaps back up to him.

“Wait, Harry, what are you talking about?” She frowns, trying to make sense of it. “I didn’t invite you to the wedding.”

Why would she?

They are no longer friends, no longer much of anything, so for her to take time out of her day to sabotage anything but herself wouldn’t feel right to her. Besides, it was her decision to never speak to Harry again, she wouldn’t ever take her word back.

Harry frowns then, too, because she isn’t faking her emotions. She’d always been terrible at doing so, and the way her eyes scream and beg for answers can’t go ignored. He, again, feels like the absolute worst person in the world.

“Then who did?” He whispers.

There’s only one possible answer.

-

Seven months ago.

Alfie insisted that he and Y/n had a New Year’s Eve party. They’d never had one before, as Y/n much preferred staying in with a bottle of champagne and celebrating with a lobster dinner and late night reruns of The Honeymooners.

But Alfie was persistent. Very persistent. Too persistent. So persistent she had no choice but to give in, and she just didn’t understand why.

She didn’t understand it as days passed and all Alfie talked about was the stupid party. She didn’t understand it when he rented out one of the most expensive venues. She didn’t understand it when he laid awake the entire night before, too anxious to fall asleep. She didn’t understand it when he asked her to wear his favorite dress.

She wished that she did the moment it happened.

The clock was ticking.

“Five!”

Alfie reached for Y/n’s hand.

“Four!”

Y/n noticed something shift in the air.

“Three!”

Alfie reached his other hand into his pocket.

“Two!”

Y/n knew what was coming.

“One!”

Alfie dropped to one knee.

“Happy new year!”

It was every girl’s dream — the fireworks, the balcony, the view, the prince charming that would whisk her away to spend the rest of eternity together — yet it couldn’t have felt any more like a nightmare.

It wasn’t what she wanted. Not then, not ever before, not once during the span of their relationship, and time seemed to have stopped moving forward.

There she was, in the center of the universe as everybody stopped and stared, gasping and gushing at the sight of a man on his knees for a woman. An act of vulnerability, of love, of submission, yet it didn’t feel like any of those things.

It all felt so wrong.

She began to cry.

To everyone else, it seemed as though she was crying from happiness. Her devoted boyfriend of two years finally asked for her hand in marriage, to be the mother of his children, to spend the rest of their lives tied together by a vow, unable to be broken. So it was no surprise when everybody let out an awe of endearment, nobody (not even Alfie) knowing her well enough to distinguish the difference between her happiest and saddest cries.

Harry would have known.

And that was all it seemed to come back to in that very moment in time.

Harry.

What she would have given to feel his hands on her waist, blocking her body from view with his, taking her away from all the unwanted eyes on her fragile body. He would have done it in a heartbeat because he always did — he always found a way to help her escape her horrifying realities, even the sweetest of ones.

What she would have given for it to be him kneeling in front of her… this all would have been so different.

Her lover of two years was promising her a future, yet all she could think about was somebody stuck in her past, yet so heavily prevalent in her present.

But she couldn’t say no. How could she when everybody expected the answer he was looking for, ready to toast to the bride and groom? How could she when phones captured the beginning of the rest of their lives, ready to share for all to see?

But she couldn’t say yes, either.

She settled for a nod of her head.

The crowd cheered, some clapping, others clinking their glasses, lovers kissing. She only caught a glimpse of those celebratory moments before everything around her drowned in her tears, voices of congratulations so distant beneath her heavy, hyperventilated breaths.

Alfie embraced her, then, and she felt his laughs of euphoria rumbling in his chest as hers met his, and she couldn’t even pretend.

She rested her chin on his shoulder, her expression void of everything that she should have been feeling. And her eyes went blank as they caught a reflection of her through the balcony windows — the last time she ever saw herself for what she truly was.

-

That same day.

Y/n was a mess waiting for Alfie to get home.

Seeing Harry again filled her with so many different emotions, she didn’t know which one to start with. She wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to destroy everything and everybody that dared get in her way, she wanted to disappear. Yet she had done none of it. All she could manage to do was pace around her bedroom, biting at her nails and getting lost in her scrambled thoughts, her mind and body moving at a million miles an hour, unable to be tamed.

This is precisely the reason Y/n never wanted to see him again.

He does things to her, he always has. She hardly has any control over herself whenever it comes to him and she fucking hates it. No matter how sad, how mad, how hurt or how upset, there was something about his presence that made her see past all of that. It saddens her how much she used to love it.

But her moods swing at her relentlessly, the sadness turning to anger because yes, she is angry. She’s angry that he still has this much of a hold on her, especially after everything he’s done, and she’s even more angry that he hasn’t yet apologized for it.

Because it was all getting better. The constant wondering about what he’s doing or who he’s with and the continuous string of thought always leading back to him was all finally falling into its place. She was finally finding her place.

And then her fiancè did this.

When she hears the bedroom door open, she hardly gives Alfie any time before she starts a fight, wishing nothing more than to take it all out on him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Y/n fumes, everything tainted red with anger as she looks into his eyes and feels nothing but hurt and betrayal. “Inviting Harry to our wedding behind my back?! Do you not remember what he did to me?! Do you not realize what you just did?!”

He frowns, not sarcastic or menacing, but he genuinely seems upset that she’d ever even ask him such a question.

“Y/n…” Alfie sighs, and she suddenly hates the way he’s always managed to remain calm in the most heated of arguments. She wants to start a war with it, to go for the kill, to make him crawl and beg and bleed for her forgiveness. “Of course I remember what he did to you, which is exactly why I did it.”

Her hands turn to fists.

“Are you kidding me?!”

“I wanted to hurt him for hurting you! God damn it, Y/n… after finding out what he did to you all I could think about was ripping him to pieces and that urge never left me, especially after we got together.”

He slumps himself down at the foot of the bed, loosening the tie around his neck, almost too aggressively. And if she wasn’t so out of her mind enraged, she would try her hardest to understand his side.

But there is no excuse for this. There’s no excuse for any of it.

“So now you use our marriage as a way to get back at him?!”

Y/n may not love Alfie the right way, but she had never stooped so low to treat her marriage like a weapon, ready to strike at any moment in time. It wasn’t something she used to inflict pain onto anybody else but herself, no matter how hard it had gotten.

And though she once believed their engagement meant more to him than it ever meant to her, she can’t help but feel as if that’s just another lie she’d been forced to live with.

He went behind her back deliberately to hurt somebody even she never intended on hurting. He knew what was to come of this and yet here he is, letting it all happen for satisfaction’s sake.

It feels like all she will ever be is used.

“Is that what this is to you?! A point on your scoreboard?! A big ‘fuck you, i won!’?”

“Isn’t that what this is for you?”

“Don’t you dare turn this into my problem.” She spits through clenched teeth, punching at the dresser beside her with the side of her fist, face burning with fury. “I’m not the one sending him our wedding invitations!”

“And I’m not the one staying up past midnight scrolling through pictures of him on my phone!”

Her mouth shuts then, her hard and pressed features softening at the unexpected turn of the conversation.

She had been looking at pictures of Harry almost every night since Malibu, she just never expected to get caught. She could physically feel Alfie fall asleep against her, so she always waited thirty minutes before she took her phone out, looking back at everything that once was.

It was the only thing she ever truly wanted.

It’s what she kept going back to — a habit that came as naturally as telling her best friend about her day, about her perspectives on the world, about the lack of guidance in her life — like a phone call at the end of the day as a way to unwind.

She had make believe conversations with him as she scrolled endlessly through her favorite photo album, the thickness of his accent engrained in her mind as she thought of everything he’d say to her if he were still around. And if that wasn’t enough, she’d live vicariously through the memories they made together and replay those moments all night, until they lulled her to sleep.

“I told you from day one that —”

“That you’re never going to let him go, I know. I know that he was the love of your life at one point but this is just pathetic now, Y/n. Absolutely nothing short of pathetic.” She frowns, his choice of words making her heart sink because he knows exactly how to do it. And he sighs, rubbing his hands up and down his face as if he were in agony. “I didn’t know this was the kind of shit I was signing up for.”

Her eyes brim with tears but don’t offer anything more, only upset that he couldn’t find a way to understand her when she’s trying so hard. But he never has and he never will — not in the way she needs him to and not in the way that could ever make this work.

“I’m not sorry for what I did.” She confesses sadly, her bottom lip between her teeth and fingers picking the skin around her nails as she tries, yet again, to make him see. “He was my best friend before he was anything else to me. There was a time in my life where he was all I had.”

And though her heart is still with Harry in every aspect of every way, it’s true. He was her best friend and that’s what she misses the most. There was so much to him that meant so much to her and none of it could ever be replaced, not even by Alfie.

“You know I love you but you also know I'm not the same woman you fell for in Malibu. I’m my worst self when I don't have him around and your favorite parts of me don’t exist without him. Don’t pretend like you don’t see that.”

His hands twitch against his lap, his shoulders slumping because it’s true. The most lively and brightest parts of herself had died the first step she’d taken away from him that night. Sure, she’s still the most resilient and beautiful woman Alfie had ever known, but she’s never been the same since then.

She’s still in love with him and there’s nothing for him to do about it. He didn’t see it until he saw the way she sulked over Harry that night, all those years later, with a diamond ring on her finger that just seemed to weigh her down even more.

None of this means anything to her.

“It’s been three years, Y/n. Just find yourself a new best friend and move the fuck on already. I’m getting sick and tired of this.”

What he doesn’t understand is that she is, too.

-

Two weeks later.

Y/n shouldn’t be this alone at her own engagement party, but it’s the impossible things that always manage to find their way to her.

The party consisted mostly of Alfie’s friends, considering Y/n is much more of an introvert than he is and the small number of friends she does have seemed to have disappeared within the sea of unfamiliar faces. She felt lost for a moment, but when she finally found her fiancè, he had been too invested in his own friends to spare her a single one of his glances, and it soon became disheartening to wait for him to acknowledge her when the thought of her never once crossed his mind.

So she ends up on the steps of their back porch, sipping on a glass of champagne, overlooking the garden, breathing in the silence.

She closes her eyes and succumbs herself to the summer breeze, wondering what she has to do to find a single glimmer of happiness. Her life is just so sad, a labyrinth of betrayal and hurt and heartbreak she can’t ever escape.

Darkness is all she sees when she thinks about her future. There is nothing for her to look forward to. Every day will come and go the same way it has been — unwanted, dreaded, wasted, another failed attempt of contentment. It all seems so hopeless to her now.

The champagne doesn’t stand a chance when it comes to a lonely Y/n, and it isn’t nearly enough to curb her mood, either as she huffs at her empty glass, wishing she had taken another.

She sets it down next to her, placing both her elbows on her knees, getting lost in her world of sorrow, long forgotten by her lover.

Harry is the first one to find her.

He had parked his car across the street from her shared home with Alfie, and even from his distance he knew Y/n wouldn’t be inside. He knows her too well to know she wouldn’t find her place in crowded rooms where the attention is all on her, even if it was all in the comfort of her own home.

And the fact that Alfie didn’t know her senses of belonging well enough to accommodate them made him seeth. She is an independent, a lone wolf, a woman who moves solely in her own way and anybody who’s ever loved her knows that above all else.

He doesn’t care for her.

And he doesn’t need to go looking for her because he can feel her, as if the universe somehow bent its laws of gravity and pushed him straight to her back porch steps, where he finds her all alone.

She nearly jumps out of her skin when she feels a hand fall softly on her shoulder, but immediately sinks into comfort when she sees that it’s Harry moving to sit beside her, his hand refusing to pull away.

Finally, she has a friend.

“Hey.” She says softly, one of the corners of her lips turning slightly upward at his unexpected visit. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

He smiles briefly at her before he overlooks the garden, his fingers squeezing at her shoulder before resting his palms over his lap. And there’s something about being next to her again that makes everything around him fall back into place. This is where he’s meant to be.

“Honestly, neither did I, all things considered.” They both let out a chuckle, the atmosphere between them so horrifically sad yet so incredibly right. “But I just really felt like I had to be here for you tonight.”

Despite the years that had passed and everything that drove them apart, Y/n remains who he loves most in this world. His connection to her never died, so the sudden gusts of off and disturbing feelings Harry used to get whenever Y/n was troubled had never left him. He felt it all just as strongly — her anxieties, her fears, her tears and everything in between. And he’s glad that part of them never died because the look in her eye tells him everything he needs to know.

She’s absolutely miserable.

She sighs, the corners of her lips falling as she stares at her engagement ring, her thumb and pinky twisting it around her ring finger, itchy and heavy no matter which way it's worn.

“Me and Alfie aren’t doing so well.”

She didn’t have to say it because he can already see how treacherous they are together, but that doesn’t make it any easier for him to hear.

He lost his right to be selfish with her in Malibu, and though he does gain a sense of happiness knowing he may have a chance with her again, it’s significantly outweighed by her sadness. Nothing had ever pained him more than that.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

She shakes her head, her fingers reaching up to tuck fallen pieces of hair behind her ear.

“Don’t be. I don’t really know why he decided to do this, anyways.”

Harry’s lips fall.

“Marry you?”

Y/n’s leg begins to shake, her greatest and most absentminded nervous habit. And Harry had always been quick to place his hand over her thigh and rub at the surface, meeting her eye halfway and taking a deep breath in, to which she would always follow. He hesitates to do so tonight, but settles for it anyway.

She looks appreciative beneath it all.

She’d forgotten about Harry’s subtle favors over the past three years, so to feel it all again when she has been so low and neglected feels like a blessing to her. It feels like somebody finally cares for her, and that’s all she had been wanting all along.

Harry, she feels, is the only one who ever truly has.

“We just never talked about it. It was this big, ginormous, unavoidable, life changing question thrown at me with no warning at all.” Her forehead falls to her palms, as if humiliated by the memory. “In front of everybody.”

Harry’s heart crumbles from within him because nothing Alfie has given her has been anything she’s wanted, and that’s not what she deserves.

He remembers it so distinctively now — the way she poured her heart out to him just a few months before Malibu. It was the third Valentine’s Day they’d spent together and Y/n got so drunk, she spent nearly the entire night venting to him about everything she’d feared when it came to her future relationships.

With her head on his shoulder and her leg slung over his hips, Y/n’s thoughts were so destructive, she couldn’t bear to entertain them any longer, so she decided to let it all out.

“And what if my boyfriend proposes to me in a room full of people? I’d drown in sensory overload. And what if I want to say no? Or maybe? Or yes, just not right now? With all those people looking at me? I think I would pass away.”

Harry looked down at her in subtle curiosity, his fingers playing with her hair in the way they always liked. She was the only thing in his sight that wasn’t spinning out of his control.

“So how do you want to be proposed to?”

She hummed, as if contemplating her answer. But she knew. She already knew.

“In bed, probably. It’s so intimate and private there. So non-traditional. You’re the most done down at your first hour and something about someone wanting you at your worst, forever, is so poetic.”

She looked up at him with doe eyes merely seconds after.

“Will you make sure he does that for me, please? Promise me you’ll try.”

He smiled the best he could at her, pressing his lips down to her forehead. They lingered there for a moment, and Y/n’s breath was taken away.

“I’ll make sure of it.”

What makes the memory even worse was how much he really did love her and how blinded he was to it. He kissed her. He held her. He played with her hair. He slept beside her that night. He kissed her again goodnight. He brought her breakfast in bed the next morning. He did it all over again.

It couldn’t have been any more obvious.

But there’s something about the way she hasn’t expressed any of those concerns with Alfie that doesn’t sit right with him. It just doesn’t make any sense to him.

“Been with him for how long now, two years? And you really didn’t expect him to propose to you? Have you met you?”

She sulks herself deeper into her knees.

“I don’t know. I guess — I guess I just never really thought about it.”

Never thought about it?

“But you’ve always wanted to get married.” He says it more like a question than a statement, genuine concern and confusion in his tone of voice as his eyebrows furrow, trying to comprehend it.

She looks up at him with a void, empty expression.

“Yeah, but never to him.”

Her eyes linger on Harry’s for just a beat longer — just long enough to catch a glimpse of the way his lips fall and the way his face drains of color — before she blinks away from him, turning her gaze back toward the garden. The flowers have never looked so lifeless.

“Y/n… if I had known how you felt, I —”

“It wouldn’t have mattered.” Y/n shakes her head, looking back down at her trembling hands, tears now burning in her eyes as the sudden sadness of the conversation starts to weigh down on her. “You had four years to feel the same for me and you never did. My feelings would have done nothing to yours.”

“And I never did?” Harry asks incredulously, his voice low and faltered behind the heaviness of her words. “Is that really what you’ve been living with the past three years?”

Loose tears begin to fall down her cheeks because yes, she has been living with his unrequited love for six years and no, it’s never gotten any easier. It’s pathetic and ridiculous and the most unexplainable form of grief she’d ever carried, but it’s the most devastating kind. “How could I think any differently?”

“Because it was real, Y/n. Fuck.” He lets out a strangled, dry chuckle upon his words as he runs his shaking fingers through his hair. He’s nervous, absolutely terrified because if he fails to show her how deeply he feels for her now, he may never get the chance to again, and losing her is no longer an option for him. Not when she’s so close. “Because you know me better than anybody else and you know I wasn’t faking it with you. How could I have been? You would have seen right through me and you know it. You always do.”

Perhaps the love blinded her. Perhaps her heart was so invested it deceived her to see only the things she wanted as a subconscious form of self-preservation. It’s not an impossible possibility, and it’s certainly one she believed in throughout all this time, but a part of her can’t help but find a hint of truth stuck somewhere between his words.

The kissing, the touching, the tasting, the laughing and the loving did feel real to her. It felt real when she saw the way he smiled after every one of their kisses, and the way he reached for her when it was just to two of them, like he couldn’t get enough, and the way he moaned against her, and the way he told her he loved her, like he meant it.

She knows all of his movements and all of his habits — knows all the signs of his stress, his sadness, his tension, his ease. She knows the emotions he wears and the ones he doesn’t, notices everything he does and doesn’t do, and never once did anything he did with her seem anything less than genuine.

She hates that it’s taken her so long to see that, but it doesn’t fix all that he had broken now that she does. She wishes that it could, this life would be so much easier for her to live.

“You really hurt me.” Her voice quivers, low and quiet as she speaks her truth, and it breaks his heart all over again. Never has he heard her sound so sad in his life, and it’s all because of him.

“You think I don’t know that? I hate myself for everything I put you through because you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

He pauses, waiting for her to say anything else, but it doesn’t come. All there is for her to offer are her silent cries and waterfall eyes.

“That night with Lydia… nothing happened. She caught me off guard and I panicked because how could I not? She was giving me everything I thought I wanted yet all I could think about was how I wanted it to be you.” Y/n’s breath falters then, a knot forming in her chest as she revisits the sight of that horrific night. “I tried so hard to talk it out with her, but she wouldn’t let it go. She kept persisting and persisting and she didn’t give me the chance to explain myself before you walked in on us.”

She didn’t truly know what happened between him and Lydia, but she had her ideas. Whether they kissed, touched, confessed their love or crossed bases, the truth would have only made it worse for herself. Ignorance was bliss when it came to them.

But she didn’t think nothing happened, either, especially when the first words that Y/n heard Lydia say to him that night was I love you, too.

Too.

Too.

Too.

Like he said it first.

She really hopes he didn’t, but she’s so afraid of his answer that she doesn’t ask.

But she doesn’t say anything else, either, because there’s so much more she needs to hear from him but she doesn’t know where to start. She doesn’t know what to do, yet she wants to know everything.

“You were all I ever wanted and I’m so sorry for the way I had to find that out. I’m so sorry that I had to hurt you to realize how ridiculously in love I am with you.”

And how ridiculous it’s gotten.

“It haunts me. It follows me everywhere I go. Every morning, I think about the way you slept beside me in Malibu and how perfect you looked before you even had the chance to wake. I still reach for you even when I know you’re not there just so I can say I tried. Every time I walk the street, I somehow convince myself that I see you walk past me and I always turn back just in case I missed you. Then I spend the rest of my day wondering where you are and how much happier I’d be if you were with me.”

And it’s all so true.

She is around him at all times. Her spirit lingers in the air he breathes, her shadow alive in every ray of sun that touches his skin, unable to be soaked away. The ghost of her is everywhere he is, always, and it pained him just as much as it comforted him.

“I come across all these women and go on all these dates in hopes to find someone that makes me feel half the things you do, just to go home hours later and watch all the stupid videos and photos I’ve taken of you throughout the years because it’s you that my heart is after. Nobody else.”

She melts into herself at his confession.

To know it wasn’t one-sided — the longing, the missing, the wanting so bad that he couldn’t help but look back at all their memories together. Whether he was beside those women or not, she had done the very same thing, and it’s almost as if those hidden moments of desperation were a silent call to one another.

He reaches his hand to her thigh again, his skin warming her to her bitter core, setting a fire in her that had burnt out many years ago. And she doesn’t stop staring at it.

“I love you, Y/n. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything else in this world. I love you so much that it drove me crazy to think about you spending the rest of your life with somebody else because I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of mine without you. But that’s my heartbreak to live with, not yours.”

But it is. It is because he’s the only one she’s ever wanted and living her life with someone else was once unimaginable. It still is. Even through her relationship with Alfie and everything they’ve built together, it wasn’t ever the same.

And it’s not a matter of her not loving him, because she does, just not in the way she loves Harry. He is a high she constantly fiends for, an intoxication that keeps her wild and free, an addiction like no other. Being without him makes her feel sober — in a constant state of withdrawal, falling down deeper into her urges, dependent solely on her relapses — and Alfie is just the mild distraction.

All of this is her heartbreak.

His fingertips rub softly at her leg.

“You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I don't know how I’m ever going to find a way to move on from you, and I don’t know if I ever will, but at least I had the chance to tell you everything you deserved to know. I didn’t think I’d ever have it.”

She still doesn’t answer him, but he didn’t expect anything more.

He wishes he could stay with her for just a bit longer, but he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome (if he could even call it that). And he starts to cry as he thinks about leaving her alone again.

She’s forever going to be his hardest loss.

“I have so much more I want to say to you, but this is your night with Alfie. I don’t want to be the one to hold you back from it.”

He squeezes the top of her thigh, dreading the let go. This may be the last time he sees her or speaks to her for a while, and that in itself is enough to make this so much harder on him.

“I’ll miss you everyday.”

He can’t even look at her as he says it.

His eyes are flooded with sadness as he stands from where he sat beside her, shaking fingers wiping at his tears, his heart the emptiest it’s ever been yet his chest heavier than ever before.

It suddenly dawns on her that she never wants to see him walk away from her again. She doesn’t want to go another dreaded day without him beside her, or go the rest of the night thinking of everything she could have said, but didn’t.

She wants him. She loves him. And she doesn’t want him to go.

“Wait.” She grabs his hand in both of hers before he can make it too far, her eyes wet but the brightest he’d ever seen them. “The party doesn’t end for a while and — and Alfie hasn’t come looking for me since it started, so…” She hesitates, his hands still in hers, and everything is right in the world again. “Do you want to take a walk with me? It doesn’t matter where just, please stay here with me?”

And how could Harry ever say no to her?

He lifts her up from where she sits, the first real and genuine smile he’s seen out of her since they’ve reunited spreading on her lips, and he wouldn’t trade this for the world.

They stray further than expected, catching up on everything they’ve missed throughout the years. It all feels so easy and so right, as if time had hardly passed between them, yet they’ve never felt more apart. Never once did they expect to live in each other’s world through late night storytelling and clandestine getaways.

They laugh. They cry. They reminisce. And they don’t let go of each other’s hand the whole night through.

-

Y/n returns to the back porch a couple hours later, grabbing the finished champagne glass she’d left on the top step to seem as inconspicuous as possible. Not that she necessarily has to, she doesn’t feel as though she’s done anything wrong, she just couldn’t imagine what would come from this if Alfie was to find out.

She slides the back door shut quietly behind her, the remaining guests only giving her a small smile of acknowledgement, none at all suspicious. Some offer her hugs and mingle with her, congratulating her as if it were their first time doing so, telling her how perfect of a marriage she and Alfie are going to have.

If only they knew.

But it isn’t until the last of the lingering guests make it out the door that Y/n and Alfie are left alone — the most dangerous place for them to be. And neither of them speak a word to each other, just meeting eyes for a brief moment in time, as if avoiding everything else that came with the night.

The air is heavy, the chill brutal, but it’s what Y/n is so used to. This is her normalcy.

“I’m glad you had fun tonight.” Y/n says plainly, gathering all the littered champagne and wine glasses floating around the kitchen.

In any other circumstance, she would have stood her ground much more strongly, but the bitterness inside her subsided to something much sweeter after her time with Harry. The weight of the world is gone, it seems, the moon and sun and stars aligned perfectly in her universe. She is weightless, floating, her spirit dancing along the edges of her own personal heaven.

The silence Alfie responds with doesn’t strike a nerve like it usually would. It rather goes unnoticed, only furthering her into her illicit dreamland.

Harry’s touch lingers on her skin and she can feel it all the same even though he’s gone. A shiver runs down her spine as she thinks back to the way his lips pressed against her cheek before parting ways, muttering the quietest goodnight, lovie against her skin, leaving her breathless.

She is endlessly hypnotized by him, forever under his spell, as if his lips were made of magic.

And Alfie’s heart sinks when he sees the look on her face. It’s been years since he’s seen it, yet it’s all so familiar once he does. It’s the same look he fell in love with when he first met her in Malibu.

It’s all so clear to him now.

“So we’re just going to pretend that you didn’t leave our engagement party with Harry?”

Y/n lifts her head to look at him properly for what seems to be the first time tonight, his question catching her off guard since she had so rightfully assumed he wasn’t concerned about her whereabouts, and Harry didn’t make his presence known to anybody but her.

But she doesn’t fight it, doesn’t deny it, doesn’t try to scrape for excuses that’ll only dig her in deeper because she doesn’t regret what she did or why she did it. She has no reason to.

“And we’re just going to pretend that you didn’t completely exclude me from our engagement party?”

Alfie’s hands slam against the kitchen counter, a bitter and sarcastic laugh falling from his lips, as if she had said something untrue. “So I don’t give you attention for two minutes and you decide to run off with some other guy?”

“Two minutes? Try two hours on a night that was supposed to be for us.” It’s her turn to slam her hands down, except hers land on her thighs. “I was sitting on our back porch all night and nobody, not even you, came looking for me.” She sits down on the island stool with burnt-out eyes and heavy shoulders, drained from the reality of their relationship, tired of trying for somebody that’s never held her heart the right way. “Harry was miles away and even he found a way to find me.”

And just like always, it all circles back to Harry.

She’s never been one to compare — verbally, at least — so there is a gloom that hovers over her after she says it, the guilt settling in her bones, but it’s the reality of their situation. An old lover held his hand out to her while Alfie refused hers, and it ended up exactly where it had always belonged.

“All you had to do was ask me to be with you.” He sighs, depleted, because it’s true. He would have been there the second she called his name. It’s the fact that she didn’t that shows him how incompatible he is with her wants.

“I shouldn’t have to.” She frowns, fingers fiddling with the skin around her nails as she contemplates what there is to say next. “Is that how this marriage is going to work? Me begging you to be there for me all the time? Because I’ve never been that kind of person. I will never be that person.”

Alfie breathes heavily in response but doesn’t know what else to do or say to get her to stay. She’s slipping right through his fingers and he can physically feel it — can feel the way she feels for another man, can see the way her eyes refuse him, as if hiding away from something.

But this isn’t about him, it can’t be because it was all going so well, so much better than ever before and nothing ever pushed her away, until Harry.

This is all him.

“You know he doesn’t love you, right?” Alfie breaks the silence, her heart along with it, because she needs to be reminded how badly he had done her wrong. She wouldn’t be turning him into the villain if she did. “He lied to you. He used you to get what he wanted. He —”

“He does love me.” She interrupts him because she doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want him to talk her out of this, no matter how much she should. But it’s on the tip of her tongue, almost breaking from its resistance, and she can’t swallow it back down now. “He was there for me more than you were tonight and he’s not even the one I’m engaged to.”

Another deafening silence.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He understood her, loud and clear, but she’s speaking between the lines. There’s a part of her that’s holding back from something and he already knows what it is, he just needs to hear her say it.

So she does.

“I’m in love with him, Alfie.”

If the confession of her disloyalty wasn’t enough to tear her apart, the choked back sob she heard from Alfie undeniably did so.

She shuts her eyes, pained, unable to take it.

He doesn’t deserve this, but she’s left with no choice. She’ll only hurt him more if she stays.

So she doesn’t.

-

The morning after.

Harry didn’t know what was to come after he confessed his love to Y/n — whether it be a new day of a new life away from her, or the beginning of something so beautifully timeless, he had no idea.

The closure warmed him enough to lull him to sleep, to keep him deep in a dreamstate where all he envisioned was sunny days and the touch of her hand in his. He had never felt so light, so free, so liberated from the cage of guilt and unspoken truths that even if he were to never see or hear from Y/n again, it would have been okay.

He said what he needed to say, she heard what she wanted to hear and that’s all he could have done without interfering with her relationship.

But what he wakes up to is far from anything that ever crossed his mind.

Seven missed calls and five text messages. All from Y/n.

H, please tell me you’re awake. I need you.

I ended it with Alfie.

I don’t have anywhere to go and you’re the only person I want to see right now. Can you meet me at the coffee shop? I really need to talk to you.

Please wake up.

H?

Harry sits himself up in a state of panic, his eyes jumping between the time she had messaged him last and the time it is now. And he springs himself out of bed when he realizes that he hasn’t missed out on her yet, planning to get to her as fast as he can as he throws yesterday’s outfit, not at all caring about how it makes him look.

She ended it with Alfie.

He’s the only person she wants to see right now.

She needs him.

That’s all he can process as he scurries down the street, thinking of everything he has left to tell her to try and win her heart again. He knows he’s undeserving of it, and she does too, but that doesn’t stop him from loving her the way that he does.

His life is meaningless without her, so dry and bleak and depressing he can’t live another day like it. He can’t and he won’t because he’s going to fix this. He has to fix this.

And it doesn’t take him long to find her because there she is, sitting at their usual outdoor table, a large hot tea held between her hands, her leg shaking, her eyes distant. It's such a heartbreaking sight, and he suddenly wonders if she ever sat there after their breakup, waiting for him, hoping he’d do the very same.

The thought makes his head twitch to the side and fingers twist with guilt because no, he never did. He never went back to that coffee shop since the goodbye. It would have hurt too much, it would have reminded him of everything he’d ever done wrong and he couldn’t bear to face the person he once made of himself.

That person died along with her.

She stands from her seat when she sees him walking toward her, exhausted mentally and physically enough to nearly fall from her feet in the process. But her heart is racing a million miles an hour, her stomach fluttering as he grows nearer, her senses of anything but the love she has for him disappearing to nothing, as if it were just the two of them.

And she just needs to know if it feels that way for him, too.

“Y/n —”

“Did you mean it?”

Harry hesitates then, stopping in his tracks, his head tilting at her in curiosity but his features are softer, sadder, as if the question somehow broke him down further than before.

She doesn’t need to elaborate because he already understands what she’s asking. It was his mistakes and his selfishness that led her to question all his intentions, to doubt every sentiment he’s ever given to her, to wonder what was real and what was pretend.

But he doesn’t know what to start with, he doesn’t know what she needs to hear from him to be satisfied with his answer, or know if what he doesn’t say is what breaks this relationship.

“I need you to look at me and tell me that you meant it.” Y/n demands when he fails to answer her, tears flooding yet her face pressed and hard, committed to hearing every last bit of truth he has left. “Because I gave up everything I had for just the smallest possibility that you did. And that may make me weak, that may make me pathetic, and I may hate myself for the rest of my life knowing I made that decision but I can’t help feeling the way I feel for you.”

This is his last chance.

The window of opportunity is open and he is more than willing to dive head first out of it, but he can’t get ahead of himself. One wrong move, one wrong word, one wrong anything and he will have to endure an eternity of misery without her.

So he gives her more than she demands.

He grabs her face between his two hands, gently stroking her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, his gaze set on hers so that she can see how deeply he feels for her and how desperate he is for her forgiveness.

“I meant it.” He breathes out, his lips so painfully close to hers, she can feel his breath as he talks and it makes her legs shake from beneath her. “I’m in love with you. You’re all I think about. You’re all I want.” He leans in closer, ever so slightly, just so the ghost of her lips can meet the ghost of his. “There’s never been anybody but you. Just you. Only you.”

Her breath stammers, quivering and cracking as she flutters her eyes shut at his words, unforgiving tears pouring down her cheeks. And she doesn’t know why she’s reacting this way — the love of her life is giving her everything she’s ever asked for and yet all she can manage to do is break down from everything she’d been keeping inside for so long.

He knees buckle as a particularly violent sob nearly takes her down, and if it wasn’t for Harry’s strong hold on her, she’s sure she would have collapsed to the floor.

Her tears, his shirt, his hands, her back.

This is the closest they’ve been to each other in so long, his heart nearly shatters along with hers. He missed this more than he missed anything else in this world.

“Don’t cry, baby. It’s alright. You’re alright.” Harry shushes her, his lips settling on the top of her head as he presses chaste kisses on it, his fingers combing through her unbrushed hair. “I’m with you, okay? I’m never leaving you again.”

And he holds her for a while, tying her together as she falls apart in his arms, vowing to her over and over again that this is all over. All the pain is over. Everything will be different now.

And it was.

It felt different when Y/n and Harry spent the rest of the morning sitting in their favorite coffee shop, at their favorite table, drinking their favorite lattes. It felt different when Harry reached his hand over to hold hers, this time with no ulterior motive.

It felt different when she held his hand back, and when she smiled down at where they were intertwined, as if they were an extension of each other.

And unlike the last time they were there together, he doesn’t have to let go.

[dmsden]

Make It Mean Something - Making PC deaths meaningful to the other players

Hullo, Gentle Readers. Sometimes the dice are not in a player’s favor. Sometimes three death saves come up awfully fast. Sometimes a death happens, and everyone’s sitting around the table uncertainly, not sure how to react. It is that moment that daddydeputy raised in their Question from a Denizen. They asked if I had any thoughts on “How to make pc deaths more impactful and growthful for the others (and perhaps themselves?)”

DD, it’s a tricky balance to strike. On the one hand, you want the game to have real and dangerous consequences for the actions the characters take. On the other hand, the death of a beloved character can really upset a player or even crash a whole campaign. My players are very mature and accepting of the consequences (although they’ll pull out all the stops to try and stop it from happening to one of their own), but not everyone can be, even if they say they are. Sometimes you don’t know how the death of a character is going to affect you until it happens. I think of myself as a very mature player, but if a character as dear to me as Skittle, my mouse pooka from Changeling the Dreaming, died, I suspect I’d be devastated.

Some campaigns have a very revolving door attitude towards death. Oh, you died? Here’s a revivify spell, or a raise dead spell, or what have you. Other make it harder, possibly keeping those spells out of the hands of the players or requiring skill challenges for raising the dead (a la Critical Role). I suspect DD is wanting to lean more towards the latter, so let’s look at some ways to really make death matter.

Run lower-level campaigns: At low levels, death is a lot more difficult to overcome. By the time you get your fallen friend to a temple, the window for Revivify is long over, and who can afford the diamond for a Raise Dead spell, even assuming you can find a cleric who can cast it for free for you? But most NPC temples I’ve run in my games have been willing to cast Raise Dead for free if the PCs will undertake a quest on behalf of the temple. In a situation like this, the dead PC’s player could potentially play a cleric or paladin of the temple sent along to help, or the temple might cast raise dead in advance and take an oath that they will fulfill the quest. If the temple doesn’t trust them to keep their word, there are always geas spells to make sure of it.

Limit access to spells that return the dead: Maybe not every god grants the ability to raise the dead to their followers. Maybe diamonds are hard to find in your campaign. Whatever the path you take, you can make certain that death isn’t just a revolving door by making the spells difficult to cast. Maybe the deity will only grant the spells to their cleric once the party fulfills a quest or defeats a monster that has been plaguing the faithful. You could change the material component from a diamond to “the deity’s favor.” Casting the spell expends the favor, so now a new service to the deity would be needed before the next chance of casting it.

Make return from death uncertain: One of the things I really like in Critical Role that I intend to adopt in my next campaign (and I even know how I’m going to make the change make sense in my campaign world) is that returning from death via Raise Dead is by no means a certain thing. The Critical Role has a skill challenge like system in which up to three people can contribute to the ritual to return the dead by entreating the dead person to return. If people all want to use the same skill, such as Persuasion, the DC for the second and third people goes up. A PC might be coaxed to return via Performance, Persuasion, Intimidation, Deception...I’d even allow rolls like Arcana for magically coercing the dead spirit to return or Religion to remind a Paladin that their duty to their deity is not yet fulfilled. This had led to some dramatic moments in CR, and I definitely intend to put together my own system for my next campaign.

Make return from death limited: You could very easily put together a system that limited the number of times the same spirit could return from the dead. In older editions of D&D, returning from death required a “System Shock” check, and the body might not survive the attempt to reunite it with its spirit. If you wanted something similar, you could make a system in which one of your attributes represents your ability to return from death, even using Revivify. I would like base it off of your Constitution or Charisma score. You can return from death a number of times equal to 1+your Constitution or Charisma modifier (minimum of 1). That way, characters can die at least once and come back, but it can’t happen dozens of times.

Make the way someone dies directly affect their afterlife: For some players, this will really matter. I once had a ranger who despised dragons in a campaign. He found a dragonslaying sword, made it his business to get the party to face dragons, etc. When he finally died, it was facing two dragons to buy the party time to escape from a canyon where the dragons were in danger of TPKing them. He was killed, but he wounded both dragons quite a bit. The party managed to kill them, and they recovered the body. The ranger’s player absolutely had no intention of coming back from the dead. “How on earth would my character have a cooler death than that?” the player laughed. “That was perfect.” I described how he was received into the afterlife of his culture as a hero, and he was very happy with the end of the story for his ranger. To draw this along further, what if how a PC dies affects their standing in the afterlife? If they die in a super cool way, maybe they get a high place of honor in Valhalla, or whatever you use. A PC who then dies fighting a lich or saving innocents is likely to receive a heroes welcome. This might be preferable to them than going back to life and then possibly getting killed by a trap or a bunch of orcs. This then makes the heroic death more palatable and desirable.

However you decide to make death impactful, I strongly recommend letting story trump rules for dramatic purposes. Technically, a character who has failed three death saving throws is just plain dead, but what fun is that. Instead, consider the possibility of having them be beyond saving instead. Let them be briefly conscious, either to beg the others to find a way to save them (think Spider-Man in Avengers: Infinity War as he gets “dusted”) or to tell them that their death is welcome and to let them go (a la Theoden in Return of the King). I remember a Werewolf game where a beloved PC was dying and telling her beloved pack how much she cared for them. There were many real tears being shed around the table, including by me as the Storyteller. Giving the PC a chance to speak and interact, even though it’s not part of the rules, gave the group a moment that I know I personally will never forget.

The biggest piece of advice I can give is that you must make sure your players are onboard with this. If you want death to be more powerful, impactful, and difficult to return from, DO NOT spring this on your players mid-game. This should be something everyone’s aware of, not something that comes as a surprise. Let everyone know during Session Zero; make sure everyone is okay with it, and, if not, be prepared to either back off from the idea (or else find a different player who’s onboard.) Like the X-card, be prepared to modify this even mid-campaign if someone shows that maybe they’re not as okay with losing Damathran Darkwarden as they thought they were. In the end, it’s just a game. It’s not worth hurting feelings and losing friends over.

I hope that helps, DD. Thanks for the question!

[llycaons]

ep31: (2/2): they're bad! they're bad!

this moment is just done so well. the dramatic shots, the slo-mo falls, the shocking spurts of blood, wwx's trembling horror, this final shot of jzx dead on the ground. excellently made

xz's expression is killer here. he just nailed the sickening shock and horror and despair and terror of what just happened. jzx's death has both massive far-reaching political consequences and extremely painful and close personal ones as well

like this, this is devastating. they were waiting for him! they wanted to see him!

I saw a post ages ago about how 🥺 they were all dressed up nicely they planned this! and I think that's a bit dumb because obviously they're dressed nicely and what exactly did they even plan since jc and wwx's plan consisted of 'make it known that the jiangs and wwx are finished' and it was lwj who suggested the invite and jyl who requested her husband to go through with it so I'm not giving jc any credit here

was this meant to be comedic because omg

xl's performance here was also SO devastating. you can see the moment the rug is ripped out from under her - there's that sudden, sickening emptiness swooping in your gut that I think she conveys rly well. and jc is so concerned for her too oof

wwx being constantly badgered by the resentful spirits he controls...

wwx is truly at his breaking point here. he has never attacked wen ning, never been aggressive towards someone innocent. and it just shows how deeply upsetting this is - and not just for himself and jyl but for his baby nephew too!

he's also questioning his decisions. not reminiscing or regretting, but actively questioning himself and his choices. wwx has never had to wonder, he's always been so confident in the right path even when it hurts him

god, hearing him ask this like a lost child is really sad. the world just pushed him to this place

first of all who is a-shu second of all WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS AND THEN EVERYONE LEAVES??? at LEAST tell him about the baby. this bothers me every time it is the single most annoying plot hole in this show

in the novel, there's some really unpleasant scenes in the beginning where wwx climbs into bed with lwj in hopes of being kicked out of CR and lwj slaps a paralyzer on him for it and they just sleep like that which I feel like would be a really awkward and uncomfortable situation to be in but after this scene I feel like it wouldn't be surprising if wwx has genuine trauma related to be made immobile

the last time this happened, myu tied him up and sent him away from his home, about to be destroyed, about to die. and now wn and wq are keeping him paralyzed while they tell him about their plans to turn themselves in, facing death and worse. and wwx is absolutely powerless to help them. I can imagine being paralyzed as trigger for him, putting him back into some of the most traumatic and guilty and grief-laden moments of his life. but of course nothing wwx and lwj ever do with each other is anything but mildly awkward at worst

I do remember that wwx liked being tied up later after they're together but I actually understand that. playing with something that can be/was used to hurt you in the past but it's something you have control over so you're able to play with it and make it something safe and fun. I do think a lot of fics go too far with it and I don't really see kinkiness for their cql selves but I get it in theory. anyway

wwx is still trying to survive this. he's not an optimist, really, he's just refusing to give up. and wq is more pragmatic. she knows the world she's living in. and she loves wwx

so so sad how even though wwx has sacrificed so much and hurt so much for others, he still bears guilt for not being able to do more. it's not fair! there's so much suffering in this series

this is also so fucking sad oh my god wen qing

the iconic words 😭 wq is very somber and gentle in this scene, much different than the brusque and sharp-tongued woman in the book. I think this suits the atmosphere much better. she's crying and so is he

we've seen this sleeping-tear before

and here she is, smiling at her family. what I gather is, they all decided to come with her and wen ning too. and since wwx was asleep, they couldn't tell him about a-yuan

but still, shouldn't ONE person have stayed? to look after the toddler? he was FEVERISH when lwj found him! to look after wwx? he's been paralyzed for days and he doesn't have a golden core

god you know I usually see these tragedies filtered through wwx's experienced because he's my focal point, but this is so fucking tragic just for their sakes. they're ready to die here. and the jins will scatter their ashes to the wind

back to jyl, who's looking miserable enough to make me sad too

the funny thing is, jyl's story is very sad but she still has a chance. she's of noble birth. she'll reincarnate. and yet it's her scenes with wwx that still hurt my heart

the wens met a more tragic end but I was so happy when they carved out a place for themselves and lived their lives with wwx. it was a joyful little community. maybe because by the end, their story seems resolved. even if there was no justice, wen ning and lsz are alive and they'll honor their memory. but the jiang siblings don't have a clean ending. there's still a bleeding wound there, even at the very end. one sibling lost, and one warped beyond all recognition into a hateful and vile thing.

I never really got over jyl's death. maybe it'll be different this time

the way he's imagining her nor finding fault with him...ough

wwx running out of the abandoned BM community to the gentle refrain of that song about missing the past...just kill me now

[skadren]

If ur still doing the 5+ au thing. You've heard of valenstrifesodos "wuh oh cloud has to deal with being realizing he's immortal with his loves sorry but steadfast in helping him through it", now prepare for valenstrifesodos "wuh oh cloud is actually deteriorating extremely fast for x or y reason (mako overloading him??? Gaia wants him back??? He and Sephiroth mutually eating at each other’s souls and finally ridding the world of J-Cells through it, even if Cloud can't survive without them anymore???) And everyone's going through the 5 stages of grief speedrun about it" F in the chat

yes yes yes yes yes [slams the angst button]

admittedly vss is my comfort ship so i tend to stay away from huge angst scenarios but i would be lying if i said didn't have brain worms for this too. i just. need all the vss content. hhhhh

1. at first it just manifests as brain fog. lack of concentration, slowed reactions, listlessness etc. cloud brushes it off as his usual overwork fatigue. even if he's much better about it these days there are still stretches of time where a lot of people are sending mail and he has to be away from home for a few days in a row, although never more than a week. when the other two notice him flagging and gently get him to take a break, though, he realizes afterwards that things are Not getting better.

2. true to cloud strife form he doesn't really mention it. or think about it. or want to acknowledge it at all. even when the bruises start showing up. some are random, some are where cloud gets hit by something but either way they don't go away. at first he just blames his carelessness and brushes them off when genesis and vincent see them, but eventually he starts getting cagey about undressing because he knows they look too suspicious. the others notice his avoidance but things only come to a head when genesis tugs cloud by the arm for something and cloud winces and grabs it. the motion is so reminiscent of when he'd had geostigma that vincent's instincts go haywire and he puts together the pieces.

3. genesis is devastated and demands they go see the goddess statue because it cured his degradation, at least, so surely it must also cure cloud's. but instead they find out that cloud isn't so much degrading as having his soul forcefully dragged out of his body via his connection to sephiroth, who definitely doesn't have the strength to come back to life at the moment but is still marinating in lifestream soup. if sephiroth can't get out so he can bother cloud then he will make cloud come to him. the planet sort of just shrugs and says she can’t do anything about it because she’s been trying to get rid of sephiroth for years to no avail, and cloud is already much closer to the lifestream than your average person after being dipped so many times, so his soul... drifts easily

4. genesis is furious with his own helplessness and yells at cloud for not saying anything sooner so they could have tried to find a solution in time. cloud feels awful because he knows what being left behind by someone you love feels like and he’d never wanted to hurt genesis or vincent this way, and begins to suggest separating so things won’t hurt as much when they inevitably come to a head. thankfully vincent interjects before things go too far and says that their time together is a gift regardless of how long it lasts, but he also has his own turmoil he hides for the sake of calming cloud and genesis down.

5. idk how this ends really. this makes me sad. they are all sad. although there are probably occasional tensions that arise when cloud feels like they’re treating him as if he’ll break any moment, they all agree they should make the most of the time they have left rather than fighting with each other. maybe after he passes cloud ends up visiting them both as a lifestream ghost and in their dreams. they can see each other but they can never really touch, and genesis and vincent are just left with this giant hole in their lives. ultimate star-crossed lovers speedrun any%

[witchlich]

I know that not many people will care about this but the fact that Critical Role and campaign two persisted throughout some of the most trying times in my life will forever make me a grateful person to the people in that cast.

I was coming off the death of my mom a year prior. Struggling to fit in at my university. I sustained severe head trauma and physically could not function without chronic pain when I got started with CR. With the head trauma, I couldn't do much, but I could listen (albeit quietly). Thus, my love affair with podcasts began.

I binged TAZ first, then started CR1. Then an acquaintance told me that it might be easier for me to follow CR2 on a steady basis and listen to CR1 in my spare time. Thankfully, CR2 was only like 30 episodes in when I started so I quickly caught up. I was able to listen to the campaign and it brought me nothing but pure joy when I was struggling to simply exist. When I felt like my life was falling apart on so many different occasions, there was one constant in my life: the Mighty Nein (Nine, now) of Campaign 2. Every Thursday was the peaceful escape from the daily struggle that I'm sure all of us have endured these past few years. I know I'm not the only one.

It's crazy to look at a piece of media and see how it is not only impacted storytelling itself, but to see the kind of person you were at the beginning of the campaign and now. Character development is not just for stories, character development happens every single day of everyone's life. I have grown so much. And to grow in tandem with such a beautiful, emotionally compelling, and impactful piece of media is a marvel.

There is so much to unpack. The nights I have spent a wired wondering what is going to happen next and anticipating the next episode, the nights where I felt a cathartic release when relating to characters in the campaign, the moments of pure joy and elation when things were going right, and the devastation when things were going wrong. Not only that, but the sense of satisfaction when you finally finish a three to five hour, sometimes 7 hour episode in one day? That cannot be described. But then again, a lot of the things that Critical Role has made me feel can't quite be described.

The comfort and happiness and joy that the Mighty Nein/Nine and the cast brought to me that I will never be able to properly articulate into words, but can only be expressed through the most grateful of tears and the most humble of hearts to have had the opportunity to follow this journey. I have never been happier to consider myself a Critter.

To cast, the production, the company, the charity, and the community, thank you. I cannot wait to see you all again in Campaign 3, but in the meantime, don't forget to love each other.