#the most dogshit opinions/suggestions

[chthonicmoons]

damn. did that many people really not like the original resource gathering system in hades ii? reading the patch notes and seeing they changed it so that you can now access all types of resources as long as you have the tools unlocked, not just the one you decide to take out on a run and i'm honestly disappointed. i really liked that feature and i wasn't really finding it too difficult to get the resources i needed that way? but ig maybe most ppl play faster than me/want to progress the upgrades/incantations faster... idk man. downside of playing EA i guess though! gonna be stuff i like that inevitably gets phased out

[jkrockin]

Wait what guy who hadn't read Atlas Shrugged?

I was pretty sure I'd told this story here, but a cursory search suggests that I have not. Okay let's gooooo

Many moons ago, I worked in an emergency services call centre. I worked nights- I could get regular shifts, it paid well, and I am a huge freak, just like everyone else who works nights in a call centre. It is a lifestyle that attracts freaks. Some of my coworkers weren't full-time creatures of the night, but students or whoever who picked up occasional nights for the extra money, and one of them was Libertarian Shithead, who we'll call LS for short.

LS was a twentysomething white dude who wore a lot of name brand surfwear and designer sunglasses. I assume his parents were rich. LS loved nothing better than recreational arguing. Unfortunately, he wasn't very good at it; he had some of the most dogshit opinions I've ever encountered in the wild, and was terrible at defending them. He'd say some crap about how Gattaca-type eugenics is Fine, Actually, because if you let people make designer babies, the ~*Free Market will decide what traits are desirable! Racism and colourism and ableism and sexism and intersexism won't affect those choices at all! And I'd get mad, because I have principles to speak of, and we'd get into it, and WITHOUT FAIL, we'd get maybe halfway into an actual discussion about whatever horseshit garbage he was on tonight, and the second he thought he was losing, he'd say "oh, well. I'm an ~*Objectivist, so you can't really understand my perspective unless you've read Ayn Rand." Then he'd sigh, and change the subject.

At the time I had not read any Ayn Rand. Being fundamentally powered by spite, I withstood maybe three weeks of this shit before I pirated an epub of Atlas Shrugged, put it on my e-reader, and proceeded to slam through it at supersonic speed so I could finally get to finish an argument with this terrible boy.

Anon, I fucking hated Atlas Shrugged. The book is bad. It's way too long, every single character is an unbelievable douche, the prose sucks. Ayn Rand wants to fuck a train so so so badly, but the prose is so turgid I couldn't even get invested in how much she wants to fuck a train. And the core of the matter, the politics I was there to understand, are, y'know. Objectivist. Eye-bleedingly selfish and capitalistic, expressed in amazingly childish and blinkered terms. Even the bits where it seems like the shithead capitalist dudes want to fuck each other are too mired in the scunge of Rand's terrible views to be enjoyable.

But I read the fucking thing! I powered through it with only quite minimal complaining! I finished the book on the train to work, and when I saw that LS was on that night, I plonked myself in a seat by him, and metaphorically cracked my knuckles, ready to fuckin' party. In a perfect world, I would have been cool enough to have waited for the perfect mid-argument moment to drop, but I didn't. I think I lasted exactly until we were both off a call at the same time, and then leaned in as close as the desk dividers would let me, and said "So I finished Atlas Shrugged. I have some thoughts."

I cannot overstate how quickly it became obvious that LS had not read the book. For a hot second I thought maybe it had just been a while and the fine details had escaped him, but no; he didn't know who half the characters were, or key points of the plot, or even know any of the stuff in the John Galt speech, i.e. the big juggernaut of Here's How Objectivism Works near the end of the book about Objectivism that this fucking guy hypothetically based his Objectivist views on. It took me maybe five minutes, in between calls, to realise this, and another five for him to admit he hadn't actually read any Ayn Rand. He'd read her Wikipedia page.

ANYWAY I didn't speak to him for like a month after that, and I don't think either of us lost out there!

[weaselandfriends]

What do you think Madoka Rebellion adds to the original in terms of the plot or the themes ?

A few years ago, back when I was writing Fargo or Chicago, I noticed the MyAnimeList scores for Madoka the show and Rebellion the movie were virtually identical. At the time, one had an 8.51 on MAL, and the other had an 8.50. These are user aggregate scores, meaning that after hundreds of thousands of individual reviews, each work averaged to a figure within 0.01 of the other.

At first, this similarity might seem to make sense: They are two works within the same franchise, people who like one will like the other, many people probably give both the same score. However, if you take a cursory look into what I'll dub the "psychology" of aggregate scores, this isn't actually a salient explanation.

Outside of severe and noticeable drops in quality from one entry to the next, most franchises tend to increase aggregate score in later entries, especially in anime or other longform works that require significant time investment. The explanation for this pattern is obvious: People who dislike a series don't continue to the next entry in the series, while people who like it do continue, so assuming the series quality remains relatively stable, the next entry will have more people positively inclined toward it than negatively. An observable example of this trend is Attack on Titan. A mega-popular series, its first season currently sits at a respectable 8.54 on MAL, rated by nearly 2.7 million users. Meanwhile, Attack on Titan Season 3 Part 2 (the Attack on Titan anime going to the Homestuck school of subdivision granularity) has a 9.05 on MAL, rated by about 1.5 million users. By shedding 1.2 million users who either disliked the original season or were too lukewarm on it to continue, A3A2 managed to propel itself to be the fifth highest-rated show on the entire site. People who rated Act 1 highly didn't suddenly rate A3A2 more highly, they are simply no longer encumbered by people who rated Act 1 poorly.

In this context, the almost exact uniformity of aggregate reviews between the Madoka show and Rebellion actually suggests a significant aggregate decrease in opinion from fans of the show. You can find evidence for this theory in the current standings of both works on MAL. The show has, since the 8.50 twinning days, actually decreased fairly significantly: It stands now at an 8.36, having dropped a full 0.14 in a few years. (For those who don't think a 0.14 seems significant, I'll remind you that pretty much all scores on MAL except for obvious dogshit and misunderstood classics like School Days range from 7.00 to 9.00). Rebellion, meanwhile, has only dropped 0.03 points, to 8.47. As it currently stands, Rebellion is the 138th most highly-rated work on MAL, while the show is the 199th.

Why has the show plummeted so much more strongly than the far more controversial sequel movie? Well, look at the most popular negative reviews of both works. First, the show:

One of the most Overrated, edgy and pretencious shows, who pretends to be "Deep and Mature" just for having blood on it. [...] The story makes no sense at all, and gets Lots of plotwists all the time to make you think that things are actually happening, when it isn't exactly like that. There is a major threat, but by the final episodes it has no importance since you know there are no consecuences at all. Specially on the ending. [...] If Cute Girls being tortured is all you want, you might be just watching Elfen Lied instead. At least that show is clear about what is going for. Madoka pretends to be a Magical Girl just to surprise people. The fact that people reccommend it just because of that, says a lot about how superficial people are regarding this genre. There have been countless of Magical Girls that handle super mature themes and have more impactful stories, without showing a single drop of blood or tortute porn. [A cursory glance of the reviewer's MAL reveals that the only other magical girl show they have seen is Princess Tutu.]

Over time, Madoka has become the posterchild for edgy magical girl anime, and as such has received increased blowback from people, alien to me, who think "edgy" is a criticism. As the entry point of a well-regarded franchise, it is also the prime target for your standard litany of contrarians (definitely not alien to me) who feel the need to say "I didn't like this popular thing!" As time goes on, Madoka's status as a classic has only become more cemented, and its influence on other edgy magical girl shows more pronounced, making it an increased target for blowback.

Then, the movie:

If you liked girls themselves in the original Puella Magi Madoka Magica, then do not watch this one. It just ruins everything there is to love in the original, undoing the whole sacrifice of Madoka as well as ruining Homura's character beyond repair. As one guy on this forum put it: 'it spits on everything Puella Magi Madoka Magica is. This is a good example of how you do not make a sequel.

Unlike the previous reviewer, this one approaches the film from a starting position of good faith. Their dislike of the film comes not from a general outward revulsion to what the film intends to be, but from a position of betrayal. "This is a good example of how you do not make a sequel."

I argue, however, that these two reviewers are actually far more similar than they first appear. That both of them are writing a review without having truly "seen" the show Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

For the first reviewer it's obvious. Consider how often they talk about how much "blood" is in Madoka the show, when in actuality the show is very rarely visually graphic. They are writing a review against a Madoka that exists solely in their mind, a Madoka that they want to exist in the form they choose to perceive. Some bloody Madoka on the level of Elfen Lied. In the anime landscape, where Madoka is a ubiquitously known classic, it's inevitable that many people will enter the series having already, in their mind, seen it. Believing they know exactly what it is and refusing to pay attention to what is actually being shown them.

For the second reviewer it's less obvious, because their review is not about the thing they are misperceiving. They are not reviewing a culturally-constructed vision of Rebellion that they have prevented the actual Rebellion from superseding. They are perceiving the Rebellion that exists. But they are reviewing Rebellion while remembering a constructed, fictionalized version of Madoka the show.

"Ruining Homura's character beyond repair." This is the most common sentiment I see expressed by fans of the show when criticizing Rebellion. Homura was a hero in the show, they often say; indeed, Homura was the hero of the show. Madoka herself, despite being the titular character, is passive and uninvolved by comparison. Homura's love for Madoka is the redemptive moment at the end of the show that provides catharsis for all of the suffering endured; for Rebellion to turn around and depict Homura as toxic, self-destructive, and just regular destructive is a complete reversal. It "spits on everything Puella Magi Madoka Magica is."

Actually, though, Homura is a real piece of shit. And Madoka always was the true hero of the show.

People seem to have this view of Madoka as a Shinji Ikari-type character, a wimp who runs away from all her problems. This interpretation of Madoka is not supported by the show at all. Madoka is constantly throwing herself into incredible danger to try and help her friends, running into witch labyrinths without any means to defend herself or jumping between Sayaka and Kyoko or tossing Sayaka's soul off a bridge (oops). Madoka's problem is not her will to risk her own life to help others, it's her capability. As long as she remains human and not a magical girl, she lacks the power to do anything to help anyone.

For the first 9 episodes of the show, the person preventing the protagonist from reaching her goal, from gaining the power to help people, is Homura. Homura is thus framed as the show's antagonist for most of the show's runtime, and she does her damnedest to lean into that framing by being a weird, standoffish asshole to everyone, at one point telling Sayaka point-blank to her face "I don't care if you die." In Episode 10, we get a flashback episode that reframes Homura's actions, lending her significant sympathetic traits. And while this does, at first glance, change her antagonist role entirely, many of her actions toward the non-Madoka characters remain unabashedly cruel, and some become even crueler in retrospect. For instance, in one flashback, we see that Mami has survived until Sayaka's transformation into a witch, at which point Mami has a psychotic break and starts shooting people. With this context, when one looks back at how Mami manages to tie up Homura in Episode 3 before charging to her death, is it not plausible that Homura allowed Mami to tie her up and then die to prevent Mami from becoming a problem later?

That line of thought requires more interpretive speculation than perhaps the anime has enough time to give us on its lean 12-episode schedule, so I'll let it go without belaboring. But it's no mistake that Homura is actively disdainful of Mami and Sayaka (she seems to abide Kyoko at least), completely lacking in empathy toward either of them, and focused solely on saving Madoka.

But is there not, then, something redemptive in her love of Madoka? Well, partially.

There's a part in either Episode 11 or early Episode 12 that heavily suggests that Homura is nearing her own breaking point. That if she ever gives up in her belief that she can save Madoka, she will succumb to despair and become a witch herself. After her umpteenth failed fight against Walpurgisnacht, she is reduced to a blubbering, pathetic wreck, a trickle of that oh-so-edgy Blood running down her face. And then, before she gives into despair or otherwise resets the timeline to fail once again (because she only fails, no matter how much she knows, no matter how much cool competence she exudes; she can only ever fail), Madoka saves her. And saves everyone.

Which is what Madoka wanted to do, was trying desperately to do the entire show. What she only needed the power to do, and what only one person was stopping her from doing. The antagonist: Homura Akemi.

It's a miracle! Madoka has saved everyone, has rewritten reality to save everyone. Dead characters come back to life, the world is altogether better, there are no downsides whatsoever. And Homura is upset. Homura is upset because Madoka is now a god and Homura can't talk to her anymore.

That's how the show ends. And I think for many fans, it was tantalizing to hone in on the elements of the story that involve frustrated love, a happy relationship denied, and to buy too thoroughly into the emotionally-manipulative trick that is Episode 10's flashback episode. To allow that episode to eliminate the nine episodes before it and turn the story into Puella Magi Homura Magica, a tale of a courageous hero suffering through time loop after time loop to save the damsel in distress. But that was never what the story was, and that was never who Homura was, except perhaps in Homura's own mind.

Rebellion is set inside Homura's mind. It is as much a study on Homura as a character as it is, seemingly, on the innate audience desire to see these girls happy, to pluck them from the tragic story they're trapped inside and transport them into a coffee shop AU or something similar. The film opens like it's an AU; without context or explanation, the familiar characters exist within an unfamiliar but far happier setting. The Madoka Magica that some saw but which never existed, not the Madoka of egdy blood but its equally imaginary opposite: the Madoka of uncomplicatedly courageous heroines, of sapphic innocence, the Madoka that would have existed if not for that pesky interloper Kyubey, the story's only true antagonist.

Of course, in Rebellion, it is not Kyubey who slowly unravels this placid, ideal AU. Nor is it Mami or Sayaka, those incompetent bunglers who only ever make everything worse. It's the same person who reacted so negatively to Madoka's miraculous new world at the end of the show; it's Homura.

Rebellion provides the perfect avenue for a deep dive into Homura's psyche, something that was impossible in the show due to the unconventional structural purpose Homura provided. For the first time the audience gets to see fleshed out fully a character who before was only seen through a distorted lens, and the character study we get builds upon that distorted basis in an ingenious and delectable smorgasbord of visual delight. We see a picture of a girl on the brink of suicide (suicide imagery resonating throughout, from Homura shooting herself in the brain for a tactical advantage to her painfully detailed fantasy of her witch self on long parade toward execution by guillotine), a girl who cannot find happiness even in paradise, exactly like the girl at the end of the show, or the girl at the beginning of her chronological journey who rejected the catharsis of Madoka's heroic death to defeat Walpurgisnacht. We see a girl who cares about nothing and nobody (one of my favorite moments in the movie is when Homura, who is literally on the brink of despair and in the process of transforming into a witch, sneers at Mami for being emotionally weak) except Madoka, Madoka, Madoka. Then, at the end, in a perfect callback to how Homura's time looping journey started by her seizing onto one out-of-context request from a dying Madoka ("don't let me become a magical girl"), Homura manipulates Madoka into saying "Yeah gee I guess I wouldn't like it if I went away forever for whatever reason" so as to justify her new turn into Satan, the archnemesis of God, the antagonist of God.

Homura has always fought for a vision of Madoka that was not the real Madoka. She has always stood counter to Madoka's true goals, both in the show and in the movie. Exactly how, as time goes on, more and more people react to a Madoka that is not its true self, a Madoka of blood or a Madoka of cotton candy, a cultural conception of Madoka increasingly divorced from its real text.

Homura, at least, by the end of Rebellion, realizes this fact and accepts it; only through this acceptance of herself as the villain does she escape the suicidal finale she previously envisioned. I do not know if I can say the same for those haters and fans of a show that does not exist.

[cherrysmokesaconha]

// rant

Being in a fandom where 90% of it sees 2004/2005 Tord as a uwu teenager just because of a fucking FANON SHITASS HEADCANON, while me being a person who hcs him as MATURE ADULT (and also with some fankids) makes me feel like a fucking ALIEN.

It makes me sick that u almost don't have good food on here. Everytime I look in the #2004 tord tag when there's new stuff, It's just shit depicting him as a teenager or adding uwu pimples to him like CMON LET MY MAN PAY TAXES AND KISS ON THE MOUTH PLEASE (edit: idm people who hc him as an adult and add pimples to him since I think adults can also have pimples, but I'm mostly talking abt the teen hc)

"oh but Tord was born in 1989-" BULLSHIT. DOGSHIT. GIRAFFESHIT. THE REAL PERSON BORNED IN 1989 THE CHARACTER DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CANON AGE GODDAMNIT. Edit: The only thing that could prove that the character ACTUALLY was born in 1989 was his grave on Zombeh Attack 2, but that eddisode was made way before the characters got separated from the real people + nowadays they have a fictional canonical birthday dates where year of birth is not specified, which makes them have a canon vague age. (Confirmed by OblivionDowning in Twitter btw)

I specially really love 2004 Tord from the Christmas Special, where he doesn't have horns. And I almost never saw an art of this Tord which NOT depicted him as a teen. I NEVER saw it. Most of those arts (which depicts him as an adult) are made by ME and MOSTLY ME. GODDAMNIT </3 (ofc there's some arts that shows him as an adult but there are very few)

And the fact that people will pull out this shitass "hE's A TeEn!1!!1!1" card when they see an art MINIMALLY suggestive IS sooooooo stupid. This headcanon (alongside with the "Pau and Pat are Tord's parents" hc) literally BRAINWASHED THIS FANDOM AND NOBODY SAYS AN A ABOUT IT.

It's funny that people can draw 2005 Edd and 2005 Tom making out and no one says a thing, but when it comes to Tord, they automatically pulls the teenager card like, BRO FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHIT HEADCANON FUCK OFF/NEG

I'm so sorry for ranting, but I am TIRED. It's tiring to have a different hc and feel like a target because of a headcanon that people assume that it's canon. Please do a research for the love of God </3

(ps cuz I forgot this: I'm not saying that you can't have the teen hc for yourself or even feel uncomfy with ppl drawing him as an adult, that's totally fine! That's your opinion and ur boundaries and it should be respected. But you can't just appear out of nowhere on someone's account and force them into this headcanon. Saying like "isn't he a minor on that era?" or even "he's a teenager..." makes the artist feel bad, SPECIALLY WHEN THEY HC THE CHARACTER AS AN ADULT. You're literally accusing someone who has a different hc than you a p3dophile. That's awful, boring and demotivating. Please don't do that. Think before you speak.)

[servrz]

patch y9.1.3 today. i do not like this.

first of all, i started playing azami a week or so ago, forgot to mention that lol. i thought the barriers were in a good spot, i didn't think they needed any more adjustments for now, but they decided to increase the damage that bullets do to them. whatever. minute change, it's fuckin annoying but i can live with it.

rip iana, dogshit operator now. that might be a bit of an overreaction but they've been nerfing the poor woman nonstop. first the frags, then the g36 recoil, and now NO MORE STUNS? fuck that, bro. the gemini is good for intel, and the arx is a very solid gun, but i don't wanna play her over most other ops anymore.

why do they keep changing lesion? i mean the impact thing is alright cause he has the super shorty, but there was no real reason to give him the super shorty in the first place when they did...? like, i'm perplexed at how ubi is "balancing" lesion. he was in a great spot months ago, they decided to completely rework his gadget and give him the shorty. then when the changes ended up making him *just oh so slightly better* on the stats chart, they didn't just revert the super shorty change, oh no-- THEY TOOK THE IMPACTS?? idk man, it just seems like ubisoft is always fighting a battle to make lesion "balanced" when he has been for a while, the changes feel so needless and uncalled for.

i'm just gonna say it plain and simple, nokk is still dogshit. it doesn't MATTER if you increase the duration of her gadget, that isn't the problem-- the issue is that THE GADGET SUCKS TO BEGIN WITH. WHY WOULD INCREASING THE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT YOU CAN USE A GADGET HELP, IF THE PROBLEM IS THAT THE GADGET ITSELF IS SO BAD THAT NOBODY EVEN WANTS TO USE IT??? give her an assault rifle or buff the fmg, and then revert a lot of the changes you made to the cloak a while back. she was in a fine spot post-frag changes, and even with the stupid fucking fmg nerfs she was still *playable.*

ORYX CAN RUN THROUGH SHIELDS LMAOOOOOO WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN

sens is still kinda crappy. well, i shouldn't say that cause they have their uses, so i guess they're just *super duper, very, incredibly situational and niche.* i mean i guess having an extra projector could help in some *very specific scenarios and strategies* but it fails to make sens better as a whole. the projector at its core needs actual changes to its function, many of which i have seen suggested by the community.

impact changes are weird, but i don't care personally. lower damage just means pokeball kills are gonna be harder now lmao, which is a very strange and silly way to get a kill already so it's all good. and i don't impact trick, so the smaller radius of effect change doesn't really affect me, but i kinda do like that one. forces you to pay more attention as a bandit or kaid player.

and the shield thing, i like very much. that's all i have to say on it.

basically, all in all, this patch sucks. there are very few good implementations here in my opinion, so many of them are useless and don't help with balancing at all. so ubisoft, please for the love of god, get your heads out of your asses and open your ears. come up with more creative solutions to balancing issues. and listen to the community. we're not geniuses, but we ARE the player base, and hearing our thought and ideas should serve to assist you guys in making the game better. even when you guys seem fucking stumped on how to solve the most basic issue, if you would listen to the things that players are saying, they would be solved. the ideas are right in front of you, FOR FREE. <3

[kath-artic]

okay but genuinely though i dont think im actually delusional. im about to be annoying though by continuing to talk about this

like i know im not ugly and i know people like being around me and generally have a very high opinion of me. i know its not out of the question for someone to like me and i know that most of my doubts descend out of the fact that i was once treated like complete dogshit by someone who just wanted to use me, but i still always worry that any time it seems like all signs point to someone liking me its because i'm selectively choosing to only see the signs that point where i want them to.

but like. if you meet someone on a dating app and one of the activities they suggest TO YOU is getting dinner some time that means theyre into you. and when they say they wouldve invited you over to their place if their roommate didnt have people over that means the same thing. i know this. i may struggle to believe it but i know it. the question now is whether that person texting you out of no where about malcolm in the middle is also a sign and i think it is because he could have just as easily not commented on it. at the very least it means he wants to talk to me a little bit

[waystar-roycos]

you guys wanna hear my bullshit theory for why i think roman totally got jerked off by his personal trainer, beyond his flimsy little “ummm”? this is, like, directly connected to my interpretation of the roys’ relationship with food, so bear with me and/or come on in.

here we go, this is “in consideration of roman roy as a recipient of handjobs at the gym.”

we’ve got a wide range of liars in our midst here, and it ranges from expert pro “sometimes i don’t even know when i’m telling the truth myself” liars to dogshit terrible “i once read a wikihow article on how to lie” liars. from what i’ve seen, there are two people who fall under the latter category: tom wambsgans and our boy roman. both disasters mans have their tells. roman’s tell very often involves food.

roman roy is the only character on succession who uses the act of eating to mask his insecurities. to be clear, the roys are never hungry. if they’re putting food in their mouths onscreen, they’re doing it for a reason outside of taking in nutrients. if ever you see them eating breakfast because you think they’re hungry, do not trust them. DO NOT TRUST THESE BITCHES. to them, food is a prop featured in rituals. often times, it’s a breaking of bread, which is why the roys come and eat dinner with the pierces in order to facilitate a deal. roman, in his pajamas and bare feet, rushes down into the kitchen for breakfast at the end of “return.” he’s excited for eggy pegs. his mom denies him of eggy pegs, when she’s really actually denying him of a nostalgic breakfast ritual and quality time. THERE IS NO EGGY PEG TIME IN THE ROY FAMILY. ONLY LIES AND REJECTION.

roman doesn’t really get it. not quite. so let’s unpack some instances in which roman visibly ingests edible goods.

in “vaulter,” roman invites shiv and tom to dinner. he’s uncomfortable about it. he doesn’t want to look shiv in the eyes while he carries out a gesture unbefitting of a feral manchild, so he darts off to sniff and nibble a caprese skewer.

similarly, in “this is not for tears,” roman argues against the suggestion that gerri take the blame for the cruise cover-ups. his argument here is “because it’s my opinion.” a bold fucking move because that’s his reply to logan asking him why. roman is lowkey scared shitless of his father and highkey not about to disclose his alliance with gerri. so he punctuates his response with a superficially coy sip of his green juice as an “end of sentence.” unfortunately for him, it doesn’t work. logan pushes him to give a real answer.

roman really thought he was doing something here when he exits a conversation with a one-liner and a bite of plum in “pre-nuptial.” he saw his father pull off that very move in the previous episode and immediately thought “yes. this is the key to power.” in the context of this episode, roman’s whole thing is asking people if logan’s been talking about his satellite launch. this is his most aggressive move with food to date, but in this context, it comes back around to his own insecurity.

so, roman picks up a pastry after gerri asks him about getting jerked off by his personal trainer. he’s not picking up a pastry because he hasn’t had breakfast yet, i’ll tell ya that much.

and lastly, i present this interpretation because 1) the ambiguity of off-screen happenings is ours for the taking and nothing is real and 2) you can literally say anything on the internet.

[pinnochiro]

pinn reviews - final fantasy xv

a long ramble about final fantasy fifteen that sort of looks like a review, as written by someone who finished the game fifteen minutes ago and needs to get these words out of his head. spoilers inbound.

i'm a pretty big fan of video games. i don't know what my first was, but it was probably either banjo and kazooie or mario kart 64, at my cousin's house when i was very small. i think that video games as a medium are so interesting, since the fact that video games are inherently interactive changes the way that they tell any story. it's a shame that despite loving video games so much, i'm absolutely terrible at them.

i'm absolute dogshit at video games. whenever i boot up something new, i always play on easy mode because. i'm that bad. unfortunately, this means that a lot of video games are simply. impossible for me to beat. that's fine, as at the moment i live with my good friend lizz, who is certifiably Good at Video Games, and so we've been playing video games together for a little bit now. typically this means that she will actually play the majority of the game while i sit with her and watch, but occasionally i'll have a go, but she'll end up with the controller as soon as a boss fight or puzzle or a mechanic i just can't seem to grasp shows up. we recently played through the entirety of the kingdom hearts series together, and this was an absolute blast of a time. i'm glad to say that i adore kingdom hearts now, and it's become one of my hyperfixations, which you might be able to tell from my icon. but we'd finished the kingdom hearts series, and we were left to move onto something else. we'd also played final fantasy 7 remake, so in my wisdom, i suggested that we play another final fantasy game.

we looked through the ff games that were already purchased on our consoles thanks to lizz's uncle, and eventually, we decided that we should play. all of them. however to start, we were going to play final fantasy xv, 15, and work our way backwards through the mainline, single-player games.

i'd heard that xv wasn't very good, but honestly, i was still quite curious. one person who i'd been following on twitter for years was pretty obsessed with the main party members, to the point where i knew their names and what-not even though i didn't have much of an idea what the game itself was about. i remember watching a video by supereyepatchwolf a few years ago about how the game sucked, but i couldn't remember much of the details, and i knew, based on my obsession with kingdom hearts, that xv had started as a different game called final fantasy versus xiiv. i don't know all the details about versus thirteen, but i do know that it was originally helmed by the creator of my beloved kingdom hearts, mr tetsuya nomura, and that after many years, the vast majority of the game was thrown out, nomura wasn't in charge any more, and the whole thing was rewritten and reworked, which sounds like a fairly rough development cycle. but so what, i don't care about gameplay. i want to play the video game with those cute guys that i see fanart of on twitter, and lizz seemed happy enough to play through it with me.

and so we started final fantasy xv. i've been told that since the game was practically dead on arrival, they threw in a bunch of new content and reworked a lot of the early game before i got my hands on it. so my gameplay started with a scene of the four guys fighting some demon dude on fire and they're all old and grotty. whatever, that cutscene ends and we're put into a combat tutorial. that's over and we're on the road in what looks to be central america, pushing a car.

our four leading lads are noctis, the prince of the lucis empire, his best friend prompto, his bodyguard, gladio, and his chef and other things, ignis. i do quite like the main four members of the party in xv. prompto is quite easily my favourite, voiced by robbie daymond of goro akechi fame and with a bunch of fun little animations and quips that make him very likeable. he gets extremely excited at the idea of riding chocobos and has what i considered the best scene of the game, where he and noctis meet on a motel rooftop and discuss prompto's imposter syndrome, since he's only part of noctis' official retinue as his best friend. noctis is a fairly typical main protagonist, he's in love with a woman he hasn't seen in eight years and needs to go marry her or something, i don't care. gladio is a tough macho man with a mullet who wears leather jackets and wields a greatsword, and is apparently only 22, which is at least 10 years younger than i assumed. ignis is a strategist and chef, who takes on the most authoritative role and constantly tells noctis to not drive his car at night. i was not a fan of ignis at the start, but he grew on me, especially with how hard the game hit me with his personal arc. the four boys are off, driving to noctis' wedding in a different country across the desert when their car breaks down. we then run into the first issue of the game.

cindy is a mechanic. she also has her ass and tits out constantly, like your sleazy uncle's shirt with a naked woman was instead semi-alive as a video game person. she fixes your car and acts fairly sexual and it's just like. why do we have to do this. aren't we over overtly sexualised women in video games who have no reason for the way they dress other than the character designer was horny? whatever, i like women as much as the next guy, but cindy's design just. makes me feel so uncomfortable.

anyways you get to do a little driving around with the boys, until you stay the night before catching the boat to your fiance. overnight, you find out that noctis' kingdom has been basically destroyed by an invading empire called niflheim, and practically everyone noctis knows, including his father, are dead. you learn that noctis and his bride to be are also assumed dead, with noctis hearing his own death announcement on the radio. the game has a bunch of added cutscenes that are actually footage from the three-hour-long prequel movie that came out after the game, are extremely hard to follow and honestly i had no idea what i was looking at. anyways, noctis' family is dead, so it's time to do some hunting sidequests.

that brings us to the combat, i suppose. rather than the turn-based or even active turn-based combat that the series is known for, xv opts for more modern action rpg-styled combat. i was, naturally, terrible at this, but i managed to get around it with the fact that. it is almost impossible to die in this video game, provided you have enough items. the game allows you so much time to heal yourself that there's practically no way to have your entire party wipe unless you're doing absolutely terrible, and even then, your party members will probably try and heal you themselves before that happens. lizz tells me that the combat is boring, you just push the same button over and over and then you win. i do appreciate that, for someone like me who is terrible at reading enemy movements, there is a giant button that pops up on screen that tells you when to push the block button, but even then i was prone to fucking it up. whether that's the bad game design or my terrible gaming abilities is up to you to decide. anyways, the game is fairly easy but has annoying combat, your teammates limit breaks will only land about 50% of the time (or never, if you are gladio) and i was still bad at it, so i didn't have all that much fun.

instead of an active levelling system, the game will only tally your character's level ups when you either make camp or visit a hotel. camping is, in my opinion, the only saving grace of this game. each time you make camp, you get to see the characters doing fun little camping activities together and just hanging out, ignis will cook up a new meal in a dramatic fashion and everyone will compliment him and eat it off their coleman's branded plates, it's just very fun. you also get to see what pictures prompto has taken, which is one of my favourite gameplay features. prompto's passion is photography, and while i support him in this wholeheartedly, his picture taking skills are, quite frankly, awful. the game will randomly take shots while you're on the move, which leaves you with a delightful selection of awkward poses, characters hidden behind bushes, pictures taken while someone is half-dead in combat, and snaps where the natural lighting absolutely makes it impossible to tell what's going on. it's hilarious and going through prompto's collection of photos each night is honestly the best part of the game. we managed to wind up with a few shots that, even despite being scripted events, turned out absolutely terrible, and i will cherish those forever.

anyways, since noctis' father and fiance are dead, that leaves him the king of lucis. the only important person to make it out of the capital alive tells you to drive to the middle of nowhere, where he randomly springs on you. hey. go into a bunch of these dungeons and absorb a bunch of swords, this is your destiny as king and how you will defeat the empire. noctis goes, uh, alright i guess, and you're set loose again to wander around for a bit collecting the 'royal arms'. this plot point wasn't explained well but hey, whatever, we're collecting the glowy swords and that's fine.

you're introduced at some point to ardyn, the main antagonist. he's old, kind of groady and wears a fedora. he's a dick to you and talks about his automobeeel. apparently my friend miri thinks he's hot, she is wrong.

i can't remember what happens specifically but you're told that your fiance is still alive and in fantasy venice, and she's talking to the gods on your behalf to borrow their powers. there's a mission where you follow some purple trees that are electric, and you do that i guess. i enjoyed riding the chocobos around, but couldn't care much for the plot at this point. ardyn leads you to a volcano, where you fight a giant lava god. he tries to step on you and i, a denizen of the internet and with an active fear of foot fetishists, was extremely uncomfortable. noctis becomes friends with foot man and a lightning god who lived in those trees, and ardyn steals your car.

very upset by this, noctis and his gang risk everything to sneak into a military base and steal it back. because this is a video game, this works out fine.

there's a little mining city which is all about Girl Power, because all the Women run the Mining Industry like Girl Bosses, and you hang around there for a bit. because all the women are so Empowered, they wear bikinis all the time with overalls over the top. gladio decides he needs to fuck off for a bit, i have no idea what he does since i haven't played the dlc, and then he comes back with another scar. you hang out with his sixteen year old sister, who has a crush on the engaged and 20-year old noctis, and then you drive her to a lighthouse. when she's in your party, she can't really fight, but she gets a pink chocobo and i thought that was very cute. we turned out own chocobo white and lizz named him 'jones' after a mount she has in ffxiv.

eventually, you have a long boat ride over to fantasy venice. this is the part where the game stops being 'fun with a few issues in combat and a rushed and poorly told story.' the open world, which was a main feature with a bunch of little areas to find where noctis can fish, little hunting sidequests and random photo spots where prompto takes touristy photos, is now gone, and it will not return for the entire rest of the game. you can 'go back in time', but the open world was the most enjoyable part of the game, and it kind of really sucks that the main story doesn't let you have any more freedom like that.

after arriving in fantasy venice, you have a talk with fantasy hillary clinton and beg her to let your girlfriend summon a god into the middle of her city. hillary agrees, and you don't get to meet up with your fiance, because even if the game is constantly telling you how much noctis loves her, there is. barely any interactions between the two in the entire game. from what i can tell, they met when noctis was a child and they haven't seen each other in ten years but are still fantasy dog pen-pals. noctis marrying her was supposed to make an alliance or something like that, but her brother has betrayed her to the army. noctis' girlfriend is also an oracle, which means she can heal people, i guess? everyone talks about how important she is and she's constantly telling people that she needs to use her powers to help noctis but she's practically a non-entity.

as can be expected of most female love interests in a game primarily focused on men, noctis' fiance is killed while summoning a god for noctis to befriend. noct gets very mad about this, and turns super saiyan and kills the god back, but his girlfriend is dead and that's super sad you guys. there's a beautiful prerendered cutscene where she says goodbye to noctis but since we barely know her, and we've only been told over and over that they're in love without anything to actually well, show this, it didn't have much of an impact. fantasy venice is destroyed, and ignis is blinded while trying to help calm the giant raging god.

iggy's blindness and how the game makes you account for this and grow to care for him was one of the highlights, in my opinion, as well as crushingly depressing. while i'm not disabled and have no right to say if this was 'good disabled representation' or anything like that, i believe that the game handles it decently enough. the group falls apart as noctis is upset about his girlfriend, gladio is extremely mad that noctis won't care for ignis, and prompto just wants everyone to get along. there's a mission where gladio constantly yells at you passive aggressive things to noctis about how he's a cunt for running, which is obnoxious, but the character arc itself is fairly strong. when you make camp, ignis can't cook anymore, so everyone eats cup noodles in a depressing ass cutscene. ignis remains in your party for the rest of the game despite his disability, and he doesn't magically regain his sight like other fantasy media would do, which at the very least i think is good. i'm not sure what the opinion of actual disabled people is of the character, considering how often disabled characters are either turned into misery porn to make the abled audience be glad that isn't them and if ignis' arc falls into this trap, but i hope that it wasn't handled too poorly, as that would just be another terrible mark in this game's list of bad moves.

the characters eventually make it to the evil empire's capital, which is abandoned and filled with daemons. the characters learn that ardyn is super evil and taught the king of the empire how to turn humans into daemons, which has now happened to the entire city. the 'magitek suits', presumed to be enchanted armour that fights as the empire's infantry, actually house the souls of the human-turned daemons. honestly i like this as a plot point but the game handles it pretty terribly. there could have been more lead up to this, the explanation is pretty lacking, and prompto's Big Plot Twist is. terribly handled. turns out that prompto was born in the empire and was going to be one of those empty soldier daemons, but he was rescued by people belonging to noctis' empire. not that the game tells you that. instead, prompto goes 'turns out i'm one of ... them' and Does Not Elaborate. The game doesn't tell you shit, not about prompto's past, not about how he feels about this, not about how anyone else feels about this either because the other party members just go 'oh that sucks, good thing you're not evil' and the scene ends. robbie daymond tries so hard to sell these terrible, terrible lines, and it almost entirely fails, i'm so sorry prompto. fortunately because i'm a nosy ass, i read prompto's wikia page and knew the plot twist ahead of time, because i don't think i would have even registered it if i didn't.

anyways everyone in the evil empire is dead and ardyn starts talking about how he's immortal and an ancient king of noctis' country but the gods thought he sucked because he's too evil. i missed most of this because the cats got the zoomies and were dashing across the couch right in the middle of his speech so i can't tell you anything else. noctis tries to get a big magic crystal to fight him and instead. gets schlorped inside.

TEN YEARS LATER

yes then ten years actually pass while noctis is asleep. the game shows this by switching the head on noctis' character model to have a beard, but that's it, no changes in animations or whatever. the sky is permanently night and only one human civilisation remains, the rest destroyed by daemons. as a plot point, this ends up feeling. extremely worthless. why was noctis asleep for ten whole goddamn years? so we can wake up and go 'damn it sucks out here'. but it's barely even a like, incentive to fix everything, because you have a long talk with a former child you were friends with where he talks about how humanity is still going fine and everyone's okay and the world has moved on without you. it feels. pointless. when you meet up with your party members, they are exactly as you left them, only with slightly different character models. there is no change in the voice performance, the character's movements or how they talk to show that they've been without you for ten years. they barely mention it. i'm just. so confused as to why they decided that a ten year timeskip was the way to go? since nothing really changes, couldn't you have made it like, two years? one year? six months?? have the characters react a little more? something??? at least if it was only a year or so i wouldn't have to deal with the fact that noctis looks like norman reedus with his shitty facial hair now.

anyways after that there's a bunch of long and boring boss fights. you fight some dead kings for some reason, your party members get a little bit to talk about how cool they are and how much they love noctis, and then you meet up with ardyn. there's another boring boss fight and god this was only a few hours ago but it's already gone from my head. you summon the gods and the old kings to beat the shit out of him after you both go super saiyan again? there's incredible music but it feels barely earned and just kind of eh. anyways, noctis dies, which was the price of using the crystal of light or whatever the fuck. his ghost marries his fiance's ghost finally, and they smile as they look at one of prompto's pictures. you can pick any picture you want to go here, and then the credits roll, showing all of the pictures you saved of prompto's shots. showing me all the pictures at the end is honestly lovely, but it really only served to remind me of how much more fun the game was in the first half. and that's the end, of final fantasy xv.

so what did i think of the story? it's terribly cobbled together and struggles to get you to feel anything and play out all the plot beats. you feel awful for the countless employees who spent years working on the beautiful cutscenes only to have them be in this game, which sucks and the story barely gets through. there were parts that i enjoyed, mostly the thing about the daemons being people, but honestly the rest of it is a mess. it's hard to follow at the best of times and just awkward and terribly written at the worst. the ending is cheap, and it doesn't feel like you've actually accomplished anything. i left that game feeling numb and empty, sad that i'd wasted so much time to end up with such a colossal failure of a conclusion.

i had fun with the game when it was my four little guys running around doing sidequests and camping together. after the midway point of the game, there's none of that, and you're bogged down into a plot that just pushes you from point a to point b and boring overlong bossfight to boring overlong bossfight. the character moments between your party are a lot of fun, but the second you hit fantasy venice, everything is pretty much on rails and you can't do anything except what the game tells you explicitly to do.

should you play this game? no lol. if anything i've mentioned about the story interests you, you'll be better off watching a lore video or reading the wiki. if you do want to play it after all that, just don't proceed after the myrthril refining quest, it's pretty much all downhill from there. will i play the dlc? unlikely, i think lizz and i will just watch a cutscene movie of those.

this game left me feeling empty and numb and not in a fun way. i wanted, so, so hard to like this game, and it all crashed around me in a beautifully overproduced and confusingly written cascade. i love you prompto, but even your cute little freckly face and terrible photography can't save this trainwreck of a game.

tl;dr - final fantasy xv sucks. i hope that 13, our next ff game, will be better.

[stillwinterair]

Hey Nick! What is your favorite Star Wars book? I'm looking to read a lot more star wars novels this year and I think you'd be the expert

I unfortunately haven't read nearly as many Star Wars books as I'd like, mostly because several times through my life I've been like "I'm finally gonna read some Star Wars books!!" and whatever I pick up is somewhere between terrible and mediocre.

That said, I've read a few good ones!

A New Dawn by John Jackson Miller remains my favorite SW book for now, mostly because it's just tonally everything I want out of Star Wars. It's also a prequel to the Rebels animated series, and covers how two of the show's main characters, Hera and Kanan, first met. It's good, campy fun with a really well-realized setting and a great cast of characters.

Ahsoka by E.K. Johnston is a sequel to The Clone Wars that covers bits of Ahsoka's life shortly after the rise of the Empire, and it's good fun if you love Ahsoka! Some parts of it are now technically no longer canon, as it alludes to things that happened during the Siege of Mandalore that didn't actually happen once that arc finally came out, but mostly the book is about Ahsoka continuing to help people wherever and however she can and sending a new friend into a gay panic.

Bloodline by Claudia Gray is a fantastic political thriller turned adventure about an older Leia Organa, struggling to hold the New Republic together. This is some of the best character work any of the original trilogy cast has gotten in new canon works, and really highlights her internal relationship with the two father figures in her life, long after their passing -- Bail Organa, and Darth Vader. It explores these really meaningfully, I think, and the political climate of the New Republic by this point in the timeline is very... let's call it familiar.

Phasma by Delilah S. Dawson. Hear me out. This book fucking rules. It's goddamn weird, and it's very Mad Max, and it works so well. This is one of those books that really shows how good the sequel era might have been if they had taken actual risks with it; most of this book takes place on the post-apocalyptic, tribal world Captain Phasma came from, and while it feels a lot like Mad Max, it also feels like the early seasons of LOST, too? It's wild. This is one of the hardest Star Wars books to recommend because Captain Phasma the character is like the epitome of sequel trilogy schlock, clearly engineered to sell toys and look cool and to make Disney look inclusive or whatever, only to be killed off twice as lamely as possible, but trust me, this is genuinely good content.

From a Certain Point of View is an ongoing 40th anniversary project, releasing short story collections that retell the original trilogy movies over the course of 40 short stories per movie, all from different perspectives. There are two out now, one for A New Hope and another for The Empire Strikes Back, but I've only read the first one. It was good! It fell apart a little bit in the last half, as the first half was a really fun collection of weird and wild tales from all over the galaxy (and especially Tatooine), but the latter half is so heavily focused on the Death Star and the battle around Yavin that it's just, like, exhausting, man. The same story structure plays out a few times too many. However there IS a short story that implies Grand Moff Tarkin is having an ongoing erotic affair with the young man whose armor Luke steals when he arrives on the Death Star, and that whole short story is told from the point of view of a mouse droid, so that one fucking rules.

The last one I'll suggest is one I'm not even done with yet; The Lando Calrissian Adventures by L. Neil Smith, a trilogy published in 1983. I'm halfway through the first book now, and I would have probably finished it in one sitting if not for my having ADHD and dyslexia, but it is SO... good might not be the right word, because it's mostly 1980s dime novel sci-fi schlock, but the writing is punchy and the dialogue is a hoot and it's SO cheesy in all the right ways. The main villain in this trilogy is an honest to god evil space wizard. Not a Jedi, or a Sith, or anything recognizably Force-y, he's just like, a sorcerer in space, for some reason. And he out-cons Lando in the first book to go find an ancient artifact left behind by an ancient civilization, the fucking Mindharp of Sharu, a name which pretty clearly spells out the tone of the book. I can't, like... I cannot properly express just how much dumb fun this book is. The prologue is set around a sabacc table, where dim light filters down through thick wisps of cigar smoke; it's all flash and pomp, swindling and daring escapes, crooked cops and capers, and like, also an evil sorcerer is there. This first book in the trilogy, Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu, might be the best Star Wars book ever written. (And yes, they all have titles as ridiculous as that.) I might completely change my mind by the end, and I'll definitely finish it over the next couple of days and have an opinion by then, but so far this book rules and I'm excited to get to the rest of the trilogy.

Now, I've read a lot more Star Wars than this, but most of it's, like... bad. Or if not bad, then mediocre. A modern favorite, Dark Disciple, a sequel to The Clone Wars, is straight up dogshit. Meanwhile a true classic, Heir to the Empire, is... fine, at best.

The true best of Star Wars books is always gonna be shit that doesn't take itself too seriously, and isn't afraid to get at least a little bit weird.

Anything more than this... you're gonna need to find yourself an actual expert on the topic lmao

[recurring-polynya]

can you please do a drabble where Renji is remembering his wild squad 11 style birthday party but then at the end once he finishes his flashback he’s celebrating his birthday in the present with Rukia and Ichika

“This is number 10,” Zaraki informed Renji, beady, bloodshot eye staring into beady, bloodshot eyes. “Not everyone makes it to ten.”

“I would stop after one,” Yumichika made his frowniest frowny face.

“You’re smarter than the rest of us,” Iba replied.

“I am ready,” Renji confirmed, gripping his cup as the Kenpachi filled it with sake from his “special stash.”

Renji had drunk a lot of horrible sake in his time. As it turned out, rotgut from deep North Rukongai had an entirely different flavor profile than the pigswill of his Southern youth. It hit you in the nose, rather than the ears, smelled more like a bog than an armpit, and the unpleasant aftereffects tended to come out the opposite end. On the other hand, bad sake was bad sake, and it was hardly a birthday without it.

“Kampei!” Renji and Zaraki shouted together, and down the hatch it went. Cheers went up around them.

“You’re a good man, Abarai,” Zaraki declared, standing up, and clapping him on the shoulder. “Happy birthday. I’m out. Yachiru! It’s bedtime!”

“Thank you, sir!” Renji hollered, far too loud, as Yachiru abandoned the bowl of wasabi peas she had been mainlining to hop onto the Kenpachi’s shoulder.

“Night, sir!” various members of Squad 11 chorused.

Zaraki was a good captain, Renji mused to himself, drunkenly. He showed up, drank enough to show that he cared, but then he took off, because no one really wanted to get birthday-wasted in front of their boss.

Birthdays at the Eleventh were very thoughtful affairs, in Renji’s opinion. First thing in the morning, you got to have a big public fight with anyone from the squad. Seated officers could choose to fight the big man, which, of course, he had. This year, he had made it 52 seconds, and was feeling very pleased with himself. He was given the rest of the morning off to nap, and then he got to run newb drills all afternoon. And now it was half past booze o’clock. A perfect end to a perfect day.

“I got you your favorite. Happy birthday, loser,” Iba announced, sliding a fizzy blue concoction bristling with fruit on toothpicks down the table.

“Maybe you should give him a chance to catch his breath,” Big Maki suggested. “Zaraki shots are no joke.”

“This is catching my breath,” Renji replied, fishing out a pineapple chunk and eating it. Iba always got him this tropical shit as a joke, and Renji always drank them, absolutely stonefaced, as though curly straws and paper umbrellas were just standard issue drinking equipment. The joke was on Iba, to be honest, these damn things were delicious.

“Where is the birthday booooooy?” a musical voice trilled.

Renji’s head whipped around, which immediately made him very dizzy. He waved his hand enthusiastically.

“Don’t get up,” Yumichika warned, standing and beckoning more staidly. “He’s over here! He’s pretty well soaked already.”

Suddenly, there was a shapely pair of arms wrapped around Renji’s neck, and a more sensuous than necessary kiss pressed into his cheek. “Happy birthday, cute stuff!” Matsumoto said throatily. “That’s a fancy drink, can I have some?”

“Get your own!” Renji crowed cheerfully.

“Ha, ha, I would never,” the lieutenant of the Tenth laughed, sliding into the seat next to him, and then stealing a cherry out of his glass.

“I would not have guessed a bar called ‘Five Fingers of Death’ would serve fruity drinks,” Hisagi Shuuhei, Third Seat of the Ninth added, plopping down on Renji’s other side.

“Shuuhei!” Renji exclaimed.

Ever since he got promoted to Sixth Seat, Yumichika had been trying to get Renji involved in his larger social circle, which mostly orbited around Matsumoto. The fact that it included Hisagi, whom he had known in school, had been a pleasant surprise. He definitely remembered looking up to Hisagi in his youth, but since they had reconnected, Renji was continually struck with how cool the guy was, and also how good-looking.

“Well?” Renji demanded from Shuuhei, with a boldness that came from having enough sake in his gut to pickle a daikon. “Matsumoto paid up. Where’s my birthday present?”

Shuuhei laughed and planted a kiss on his other cheek, before fishing something that might have been a chunk of mango out of the blue monstrosity. Renji felt warm and happy. “Better buy me another drink, Iba,” he hooted, “Everyone’s stealing mine.”

“Buy your own, asshole” Iba rejoined merrily.

“That wasn’t your birthday present, by the way,” Matsumoto replied suggestively.

“Oh?” Renji asked, trying to raise an eyebrow, except that he couldn’t feel most of his face.

“A little bird,” Matsomoto went on, “who went to school with you, told me about a trick you used to do at the bar.”

Renji wracked his brains. He hadn’t done a lot of drinking in his school days, and certainly not a lot of drinking in bars, mostly because he’d been broke all the time.

“It wasn’t at the bar, it was at the gym,” Shuuhei clarified.

Realization hit Renji like a dropped free weight. He slammed his hands palm down on the tabletop excitedly. “Is it Bench Your Friends day?”

“You’re not benching me,” Yumichika immediately declared.

“What’s Bench Your Friends day?” Ikkaku demanded, intrigued.

“Bench press is a very efficient way to work your entire upper body,” Renji explained with the self-perceived gravitas that comes with being sloshed out of your gourd. “Free weights are a better way to build muscle, ‘cause you are responsible for your own balance and stability. Next step up from that, control-wise, is to bench press a person, especially if that person doesn’t particularly want to be bench-pressed.”

“Why would you let him do this to you?” Yumichika grimaced.

“Well, I really just want to see him bench press someone else, but I wouldn’t mind,” Matsumoto mused. “I think I would look very sexy being used as exercise equipment.”

“If you can bench Hisagi, I’ll let you try to bench me!” Ikkaku roared.

“I did not volunteer,” Hisagi pointed out.

“DEAL!” Renji bellowed.

🎉 🍹 💪

“UP!”

Renji blinked, slowly returning to present day reality. “Huh?”

“Pick me UP, Daddy! I want to do a high dive!”

“Alright, alright.”

It took two tries to get up from the lawn chair, but he made it. He took a long stretch, and made a show of flexing his upper arms for his daughter, who was completely unimpressed. Finally, he scooped her up and held her by the hips over his head. “You ready?”

“I am ready!” she announced, holding her arms over her head in a diving position.

“Here we go!” Renji yelled, and lowered her slowly into the rubber inflatable pool that was set up in their backyard. Ichika made a variety of poses on the way down, pointing her toes, making wide, elegant gestures with her arms. “Perfect 10,” Renji announced, when she was sitting in the pool, spitting water in a little fountain. “Do you want to go again?”

“I want to run around.”

“Go, then.”

Ichika leapt to her feet and went tearing, pell-mell around the yard again. Renji flopped back into his lawn chair and plopped his feet back in the pool.

It had been brutally hot all day, but the heat was finally starting to subside as evening came on. Akon had made the pool and brought it over last week for Nemu and Ichika to play in, because evidently, every time he set one up over at the 12th, it got “repurposed.” Renji did not want to know the details. Renji was a big fan of the pool. Ichika had been nominally playing in it all afternoon. Mostly, she was running around in her bathing suit, shouting. Occasionally, she would hurl herself into it, thoroughly splashing her father, and then run off again.

Rukia stepped onto the porch, sliding the door closed behind her with one foot. She’d changed from her shihakushou into a Living World style sundress that left her arms and legs bare. Even after a long day at work, she looked cheerful and gorgeous. Renji smiled fondly at her. After a long afternoon of chasing his toddler around, he was sure he looked like hot, damp dogshit.

Rukia made her way over to him, nimbly dodging Ichika as she serpentined her way around the yard. She held out a glass containing a pale green liquid. It was practically radiating cold. “I have made you,” she said, as Renji took it gratefully from her hand, “a margarita. I followed Uryuu’s directions very carefully and then doubled the alcohol.”

Renji took a sip as Rukia flopped into the lawn chair next to his, and slid her feet gracefully into the pool. “It’s perfect,” he declared. “You’re a genius.”

“Happy birthday,” Rukia said, tipping her head over onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry it wasn’t much.”

“What are you talking about?” Renji grunted. “I got to yell at my squad for 2 hours this morning, like I like. I spent all afternoon digging up worms with my amazing kid, and then my beautiful wife brought me take-out, so I didn’t have to cook. I am way too tired to actually go to the bar, but I don’t have to, because you brought this right to me, here, in my luxury cabana. Another one or two of these and I am definitely gonna be lights out. Can’t think of a more perfect birthday, to be honest.”

“Hmm, if we can get Ichika to go to sleep, I had some ideas for some things that could happen between margaritas number two and three.”

“Oh, really?” Renji asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Suddenly, Ichika crashed into his lap, wet, with bits of grass plastered up her legs. “DADDY!” she yelled. “Is it dessert time! Can we eat the taiyaki Mama brought home now?”

“The what Mama brought home?” he asked, faking surprise.

“Do you remember what a secret is?” Rukia reminded her daughter. “We talked about it?”

“But it’s time to eat them, so they aren’t secret anymore!”

“Yeah, Rukia, obviously,” Renji managed with a perfectly straight face.

“I would call you a traitor, but it’s your birthday, so I will go get you your fish waffles,” Rukia replied, shoving her drink into his free hand and pressing a kiss into the side of his temple.

“I LOVE TAIYAKI!” Ichika sang at the top of her lungs. “I WISH EVERYDAY WAS DADDY’S BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY!”

Renji admired the way his wife’s rear end swayed as she headed back into the house. He contemplated whether he could still drink out of two glasses at the same time, another old bar trick he was once modestly famous for. “Me, too, kid,” he agreed. “Me, too.”

[gundamgamer]

The Last of Us Part II: "There Was This Sequel... Wasn't As Good."

After seven years of what felt like forever, The Last of Us Part II has finally arrived on PS4. And…well, after the leaks were released in late April of this year, it has left the fanbase, and the Gaming Community polarizing, to say the least. Some cancelled their pre-orders, others gave the game the benefit of the doubt, and see for themselves, and then there were those who had no choice because they were getting paid to play and review the game…Only to have mixed feelings of the story. But what do I personally think of the game, overall? Well, after playing through it for a week, and processing the entirety of the main story, I don’t think it’s “the WORST thing ever”…But it’s definitely not masterpiece worthy. Let’s begin with the simple, NON-SPOILER aspects of the game:

 GAMEPLAY:

At first, I thought there was a lot of changes made with the gameplay, since the first game. I wouldn’t say the Combat Mechanics, in TLOU1 were perfect by any means. But, for a 2013 game, they were pretty solid. Though there are times where things can get glitchy and finicky, the controls felt fine…In THIS entry, however, it just feels the same. There’s little to no changes with the controls and, at times, they felt stiff to the point where I would freeze in the middle of picking items up or performing a “T pose” while getting shot at by nearby enemies (Yes, this actually happened to me during my playthrough). Granted, I do like that they gave players the Aim Assist feature, seen in the Uncharted games, which can SOMETIMES make combat a little easier, but that’s not saying much when you’re trying to aim at enemies that have the advantage. And I do feel like the jumping action was pointless, since all you had to do was run off an edge and hope to God you made it to the other side of wherever you were jumping to. Since most of the actions require you to press the Triangle (△) button, this action felt needless. The weaponry has somewhat improved, since the last game, with some familiar returns (such as the Flamethrower and Shotgun) and newer weapons (Semi-Auto Rifle, Hunting Pistol and Crossbow), the variety, on how you choose to kill your enemies, is literally at your fingertips. Finally, there’s a neat guitar mechanic where you use the pad on your DUALSHOCK 4 controller to strum the chords and play tunes on a guitar. A small but neat feature. GAMEPLAY: 3.5

 VISUALS & MUSIC:

There’s no doubt the Visuals have vastly improved since the first game; from the far horizons of Jackson to the deep overgrown forests in the Seattle area, the environments and locations look phenomenal…For the most part. Some areas, however, look so bland that they all look the same just for the purpose of Gameplay. Now, I know that sounds absurd, but hear me out: Using the same environment, for the purpose of Gameplay Mechanics is FINE. However, you need to use a different variety of location designs and settings. Otherwise, the gameplay will feel repetitive at best, and lazy at worst. But I digress. Overall, the Visuals are gorgeous to look at, especially in different season settings. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Last of Us game without the Music. Composer Gustavo Santaolalla returns to give the game life with his score, which (and I know it’s gonna sound crazy) isn’t as memorable as the first game, but is still remarkable to say the least. I also do like that they made him a character, in the game.

VISUALS: 4

MUSIC: 4

AND NOW, WE COME TO THE MEAT OF THIS REVIEW: THE SPOILERS! SO, IF YOU HAVE YET TO PLAY THE GAME, I SUGGEST YOU STOP READING, FROM HERE ON OUT…YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

I’d also like to point out that NO, I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with LGBT+ representation in any form of media (Gaming, TV, Film etc), as there is a character, Lev, who’s LGBT+, and that is FINE. But…it’s the story that needs to get a beating in all of this. Let’s begin:

 So, let’s talk about the Story, because I have a feeling that a good number of us will agree with me when I say…IT’S ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT!! …I really have no idea where to begin.

This game’s writing is all over the place, and it’s backwards at best and atrocious at worst. Everything from feeling sympathy for the main antagonist, Abby; because it’s revealed that Joel murdered her dad while he was about to operate on Ellie at the climax of the first game (as if we were suppose to know that), to PLAYING AS ABBY FOR A GOOD TEN PLUS HOURS, A CHARACTER THAT HAD SHITTY DEVELOPMENT TO THE POINT THAT NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HER OR ANYONE ELSE AROUND HER! Not to mention that, between Ellie and Abby, you play through flashbacks in flashbacks. This is not creative writing, this is fan fiction bullshit, and it fails FAST. Seriously, I wanted Abby’s playthrough to be done because I did not give a shit about her and wanted to go back to playing as Ellie. Can’t also forget how little to no point these characters serve in the story, from Abby’s side or Ellie’s, they all range from forgettable to needless, in the end. Aside from Dina and her ex-boyfriend, Jesse (yea, he’s pretty forgettable too, but at least he gets shot later on, by Abby), these characters serve little to no purpose to the story besides Story Progression that COULD’VE been done better. But nothing, AND I DO MEAN NOTHING, can compare to the atrocity that is the ending of this game:

Ellie finds out where Abby is heading, months after the what happened in Seattle. I’ll also mention that, for a bit you’re playing as Abby again, however it’s…somewhat forgivable as it’s only for a short period of time. Afterwards, you’re playing as Ellie throughout the Climax of the game. You come across a group of Rattlers who hunt down and take prisoner to lost travelers, when you [as Ellie] learn where Abby is kept prisoner. Once you find her, and her friend Lev (who TL;DR, identifies as a boy, but was born a girl, and his mother wanted to marry a guy but he refused so her mother went nuts and he killed her…yay?), she follows them to some nearby boats. But Ellie isn’t done with Abby yet. As the two fight it out, Ellie finally has her in the water and makes her drown. But then, for a LITERAL SECOND, she has a flashback of Joel sitting on his porch with his guitar…and feels guilt…So much so, that she lets Abby, the one person who she; wanted revenge on, set out on a mission that killed multiple people, even someone who nobody really gave a shit about (Jesse), risks just about everything to get to this point…And for what? A moral epiphany…Oh god…Ellie then returns home for Dina and their child JJ, only to find that they’re not home. She learns that they both left Ellie, for Dina could not take the chance of losing her. And so, with her ring and pinky finger, on her left hand, bitten off by Abby, she tries to play guitar and has yet another flashback with Joel. This seems to be the last time they encounter each other before he gets axed. It, for the most part, is a nice little moment between the two, as they discuss some issues that need to be resolved. But mostly that Ellie wants to forgive Joel because he lied to her about what happened in the hospital. Afterwards, she sets out on what could be an unforeseeable future…

As you can see, the story isn’t necessarily the greatest…In fact, it doesn’t even come close to the first game’s story (which by the way, won Best Storytelling and GAME OF THE YEAR. Yea, let that sink in). The reason why the first game was so successful is because it focused on the development and bond between Joel and Ellie. How they grew as characters and learned to endure and survive in a chaotic, post-apocalyptic world setting. And we, the fans, WANTED to see that again in this game. But instead, got bamboozled by false advertising. Oh yea, that scene in the trailer where Joel pulls Ellie back and asks “You think I’d let you do this on your own?” NEVER. FUCKING. HAPPENS!! Instead, it’s Jesse in that position. Seriously? WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THIS GUY?! NOBODY, THAT’S WHO!! We don’t care about any of these characters. We just wanna see the ones we cared about grow and learn more from each other. We actually wanted to see if anything changed from these two, over the years. The closest we get to ANY of that, in this game, are the flashbacks with them; from the museum setting (which makes some not-so-subtle nods to Jurassic Park and its sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park), to the only good scene in this ENTIRE game, in my opinion: Ellie heading out to the hospital, from the first game, finding out Joel lied but having Joel confess and tell the truth…That was such a powerful scene, and the acting from both Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson was superb. It shows the emotion between the two, from guilt to betrayal, how both Ellie and Joel lost so many people within their lives, only to go their separate ways after a crucial and impactful reveal…But none of that matters to Neil Druckmann and the crew at Naughty Dog. They just wanted to push ideas that nobody really cares about, especially for a game that’s set in a post-apocalyptic setting. We play games to escape reality and venture into worlds that could NEVER be real for the sake of entertainment and fantastic storytelling. These types of media are slowly fading away, and being replaced by writers who really don’t even give little to no shit about constructive writing, internal consistency, and above all else, THE FANS!! (even if they claim to do so…Looking at YOU, Rian Johnson)

In the midst of it all, the reason I didn’t cancel my pre-order was that I was one of the few that gave this game the benefit of the doubt. Despite only vaguely knowing what those leaks had and how they could’ve affected me, I still played it through beginning to end…Only to be disappointed by an entry I – and MILLIONS more -- had waited seven years for, only for Druckmann to say “You see this? THIS ISN’T WHAT YOU WANTED! THIS IS MY STORY!! AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, YOU’RE A BIGOT!!”…However, to be fair, I’ll say this: don’t take my word for it. Maybe there CAN be something to your liking, in this game. Maybe there’s a little something for everyone…just don’t expect me to play through – scratch that – suffer through this mediocre attempt of a sequel ever again. There are ways this game COULD’VE been as fantastic – if not, MORE – than its predecessor. I might have to do that in another essay, sometime. Til then, this the last of my playthrough of this gigantic disappointment.

STORY: 1.5

CHARACTERS: 2.5

THE LAST OF US PART II: 3.5/10

[kiruuuuu]

Thatcher/Lesion oneshot in which Lesion has a tattoo and Thatcher hates it. (Rating T, fierce denial and fluff I suppose, ~2.5k words) - dedicated to @glazkov-smile​ who put this ship into my brain where it now festers and grows shakes fist

.

The first time Thatcher catches a glimpse of it, all he feels – curiously enough – is betrayal.

No part of it makes sense, it’s neither his body nor his decision and yet it’s as if he’s been deceived in some way, left in the dark about a topic concerning him personally. It’s irrelevant how nonsensical his emotions are because they’re there regardless and no amount of logical arguing with himself is able to make them vanish. He can’t rationalise it even if he tries, and he tries desperately. He’s merely being a judgemental old fart, probably, something he’s been called before in differing contexts. But he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

It was no longer than a second: Bandit pulled on the back of Lesion’s collar to drop an ice cube into his shirt, and Thatcher just happened to look over at the commotion and saw colour lick at the back of Lesion’s neck, usually hidden by whatever garish shirt the man inexplicably chose to wear that day but now revealed in a flash of ink. And it’s enough to conjure up a profound disappointment in Thatcher.

They’ve known each other for years now, stayed in contact where Smoke exchanged irregular messages which taper off now and then, only to rekindle once in a blue moon. No, Thatcher and Lesion wrote and called almost every week, given their work permitted it, left messages on a variety of media depending on their current location and sent each other postcards even, both of them carefully and happily maintaining an unlikely friendship. They differ in many regards though not the most important ones, and thus remained pointed towards each other like magnets. Friendships like this one are rare, Thatcher has come to understand this all too keenly.

And he can’t stand tattoos.

To him, they’re much worse than gaudy jewellery, flamboyant clothes and unnaturally dyed hair together – not only are they alarmingly permanent but also usually horribly tacky. Who cares if someone managed to father a child? Congratulations, they fulfilled their purpose the way nature intended, no need to plaster their kid’s heartbeat or birth date or entire bloody face all over their arms and legs and basically rub it under everyone’s nose. He doesn’t care to know the names of people’s partners nor is he interested in cringy quotes or supposedly deep and symbolic bullshit which allegedly holds so much meaning for its bearer. They’re ugly. They mar skin instead of decorating it.

He much prefers freckles, scars, stretch marks, hair, natural discolouration, any sort of blemish which tells him this person is alive and breathing and not airbrushed or genetically engineered to look this way. He doesn’t care tattoos have been around forever, to him they’re a disgrace and can erase all his interest in someone. Can, and have.

Thinking back, he’s fairly sure he ranted about this to Lesion’s face before, was met with the usual calm patience tinged with amusement whenever he complains about something at length, earned no more than a half-reply implying his position was at best a bit too extreme and at worst complete and utter dogshite in Lesion’s opinion. He’s never dismissive about it, merely pokes fun but ultimately chooses to respect Thatcher’s views which is probably one of the reasons why they’re still friends.

So when he catches sight of precise strokes lining Lesion’s back, Thatcher is appalled. Indignant. Offended, even.

He needs to see it.

Just like he demands details about all the unnecessary so-called ‘apps’ most people around him use so he can judge them accordingly, curiosity grips him in its iron hold and compels him to view the entire disaster Lesion immortalised on his body for reasons unknown. Maybe it’s linked to a previous partner, a family member, a time in Lesion’s life about which Thatcher knows nothing yet, something deeply personal – in which case he’ll still disapprove of the ink but possibly gain more insight into his friend’s past. In that case, it’d be a worthwhile endeavour despite the knowledge of what exactly is tainting Lesion’s skin. He won’t be able to unsee it afterwards.

.

“Do you want to fight?”, he interrupts Lesion’s current conversation and gets a good-natured laugh from his friend and a concerned look from Ying in return.

“I thought we agreed not to argue politics in the workplace anymore”, Lesion replies cheerfully and moves his toothpick from one corner of his mouth to the other, Thatcher’s gaze following its journey momentarily.

“You said you were a little rusty in whatever fancy martial arts style you always torture the recruits with, so I thought you could use a refresher.”

“It’s much too warm to fight”, Ying points out and Thatcher barely bites back a response along the lines of that’s the point.

Lesion ignores her statement and leans back in his lawn chair, one of Rainbow’s most sought after commodity in summer – ants are prevalent and therefore sitting in the grass ill-advised. “Even if I did, I’d go to Yumiko and not you – no offence.”

“I bet you’ve been doing it for longer than she has.”

“Possibly, but she’s still lengths better.” The younger man raises an amused eyebrow. “Mike, are you bored?”

Oh. It’s the perfect excuse, his entire team is known for their eccentric solutions to boredom as well as striking fear into everyone’s heart as soon as it looks like they’ve got nothing to do. “Yes”, he lies smoothly, “so you can either join me willingly or spend the rest of the day anticipating a non-consensual fight. I’ll know when you least expect it, Tze Long.”

“Sounds like you don’t have a choice at all”, Ying sighs, shaking her head. “Men.”

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to roll through the mud with Elena, my dear”, Lesion comments casually after which neither of the two stick around for long enough to watch her turn crimson and splutter at the accusation. “So, tell me. Was this a misguided rescue mission or do you need my help with anything embarrassing?”

Thatcher blinks at the unexpected question until he realises his excuse sounds so terribly flimsy Lesion didn’t buy it for a second, correctly assuming an ulterior motive. Even if he’s nowhere near guessing it. “Oh, neither. I really just – it was a genuine suggestion and I…” He trails off when crinkles appear around dark eyes.

“Aren’t we a little too old to kill time by beating each other up? Let’s go drink some green tea to cool down instead, shall we?”

His objection dies on his tongue as his friend turns away, wearing a small smile. “I don’t even like green tea”, Thatcher protests quietly yet trails after Lesion nonetheless.

.

“Let’s go swimming.”

Lesion pauses visibly, marks his spot on the page he’s currently on and then glances up sceptically. “Now?”

Yes, Thatcher almost blurts out but catches himself just in time, checks his watch and pretends like he didn’t completely lose track of the hours ticking by purely because of Lesion’s presence. It’s a common occurrence, oddly enough. “Of course not”, he scoffs, “but what about tomorrow?”

“Where is this coming from? We’ve never gone for a swim together, you prefer going alone.” Fortunately, there’s no suspicion in his voice, only curiosity.

“I just thought you might want to join me. When’s the last time you went swimming?”

“Yesterday. Meghan invited me.”

Ah. Thatcher squints before he can help himself – they probably spent the time showing off their respective tattoos, and for some reason this thought makes it worse than as if Lesion had gone with anyone else. Even Blackbeard. “Well. If you don’t want to, that’s fine”, he concludes curtly and directs his attention back to the book in his own lap, fighting down another wave of dismay. So others are allowed to see it, apparently, where he’d not even been aware of it at all.

“What? Of course we can go, I was just surprised -”

“Nah. Nevermind.”

“Mike.” There’s gentle exasperation in Lesion’s voice now and he leans forward in the armchair which has become basically his over the course of several months – it bears his imprint and smells of him. Not that Thatcher would know. “I didn’t say no.”

“I’m busy tomorrow anyway”, he lies through his teeth and wonders whether he sounds cranky.

Lesion silently examines him for a few seconds longer, expression unreadable, and finally shrugs. “Alright. If you do want to go, just let me know.”

.

The doors of his wardrobe have mirrors. It’s the perfect plan. Thatcher buys the Dutch beer Lesion likes so much, and while Maestro is in the middle of listing all the exotic animals he’s eaten in his life with Smoke listening intently (and probably adding quite a few to his bucket list), while Mute snitches on Bandit’s newest plan to Sledge, while Sledge pointedly ignores Maestro’s hand slowly creeping up his thigh – while all of them are gathered in Thatcher’s living room, he makes sure to spill some of it down Lesion’s back.

“Whoops”, he says after his friend has jumped up with an undignified noise of surprise and hopes dearly that either none of the others watched him very deliberately tip his bottle or that they at least know to keep their mouths shut. “Come on, let’s get you something else to wear.”

“Why did we even stay in if I end up smelling like pub anyway”, Lesion complains weakly on the way to the bedroom, lamenting the wasted drink and accepting the fresh t-shirt Thatcher presses into his hands. “Thanks. You can go ahead.”

Thatcher pauses, hovering uncertainly. This – isn’t how it’s supposed to go. The last time, Lesion undressed in front of him without any qualms and he hoped it would be the same now, positioned his friend between himself and the mirrors so he’d get a good look no matter what. “I, uh -”

“Do you want to watch me change?”, Lesion asks, audibly entertained.

“No, I just – you probably need a towel, right? To get rid of the beer.”

“Sure”, the younger man agrees easily and Thatcher nods more to himself than for his benefit, leaves the room and dashes as soon as he’s out of eyesight. He’s never fetched a wet towel faster in his life, hoping to at least see part of it if Lesion��s in the middle of undressing, yet when he returns, Lesion is still wearing his soaked shirt. As well as a meaningful smirk. “Thank you, Mike. I’ve got it from here.”

No, he’s not going to let this opportunity pass. “Are you sure you don’t need help with your back?”

“Do you want to see it that badly?”

Oh.

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“Your personal vendetta against my shirts. It took me a few days to realise why so many of them ended up ruined, stained, ripped or threatened. You’ve not seen it before, have you?”

He hasn’t been that obvious. Has he? Thatcher considers denying everything but his curiosity prevails, triumphs over the prospect of never living this down. Defeated, he shakes his head, prepares for the inevitable ribbing yet is merely awarded with Lesion’s fingers reaching up to unbutton his soiled shirt, a gesture so hypnotising all speech evades him.

“I didn’t know you were that interested”, Lesion comments nonchalantly as if the temperature in the room hadn’t just jumped up a few degrees – or maybe Thatcher is experiencing a heatwave, yet whatever it is, his face is burning.

“I’m not”, he replies petulantly and is in the middle of justifying all his actions to himself in his head when the piece of fabric drops, carelessly gets discarded, and then Lesion turns.

It’s -

Well, it’s large, first of all, covering the entirety of his back and seemingly continuing even below the waistband of his trousers, just shy of curling all the way around his ribs. The ink is vibrant and mesmerising, no part of Lesion’s natural skin colour visible between all the vivid colours crassly at odds with everything Thatcher considers desirable. To him, it looks more like a yakuza tattoo than anything else, the motif of a roaring tiger familiar yet kept in a more tasteful style, no cartoonish bulging eyes or exaggerated features. Part of it is shiny with moisture, making it look even more recent and amplifying the otherworldly feel of it.

And it’s still a tattoo, even if the fact that it’s Lesion’s back changes something about it; even if the outline of his shoulder blades, the dip of his lower back, the gently curved spine do something to Thatcher, its nature remains intact. He doesn’t know why anyone would choose to deface their natural beauty like this, would spend a horrendous amount of money on something this hideous, would endure a million needle pricks only to look like this.

He also has no idea why he can’t stop staring.

A detail catches his attention and, without thinking, he lifts his hand and brushes over the tiger’s face with a thumb, the skin warm and slightly sticky. “He’s got a scar below his eye”, Thatcher murmurs and fights hard to keep this odd, uncalled-for reverent tone out of his voice.

“Do you want to watch him dance?”, Lesion asks him quietly and his brain is too occupied to process his words, discern the meaning behind them because – surely, he’s not -

The air is thick around them and it’s not only a byproduct of the season; it’s not stuffy yet heavy nonetheless, struggles against Thatcher’s deep inhale. His other fingers join his thumb in resting on intricate swirls, scared to move in case they smudge the ornate ink. “What do you mean?”, he hears himself mumble, possibly hoping for a repetition only, not even a clarification.

“Oh. Nevermind.” Lesion’s reply is soft and it sounds like he’s grinning. “I’m glad you seem to like it though.”

“I don’t”, Thatcher protests immediately and withdraws his hand, suddenly light-headed with the rush of oxygen, air flooding his lungs, returned to normal from one second to the next.

His friend throws him a look over his shoulder and he really looks like the Cheshire cat for some reason, as if he’s having the time of his life and Thatcher feels like he missed something somewhere along the way. “Alright”, Lesion agrees readily.

They get him cleaned up and into Thatcher’s shirt without any more interruptions, but when he turns to leave, the Brit holds him back yet falters at the expectant, amused and open smile with which the gesture is met.

“How about”, he begins, suddenly sheepish, “we go swimming this weekend?”

And to his relief, Lesion nods immediately, grinning and extremely pleased with the suggestion. “Of course. I’d love to.”

[iamalivenow]

Hey this is kinda an odd request, but do you have any recommendations for tv recap podcasts? I worked my way through Rosebuddies quite a while ago, and I'm just getting a start now on Sex Archie, but I was hoping you might have some other suggestions?

for sure

Bores Gore and Swords - so orginally they were a game of thrones recap podcast but since they ran out of episodes to recap (they have also done both seasons of westworld) they do this thing where they will watch the first episode of random shows. they recap the episode and then decide if they want to keep watching it or not and they go Through A Lot of shows (and sometimes movies and like twice i think video games)

America’s Next Top Best Friend Podcast - they’re a america’s next top model recap podcast. they have the two most recent seasons done but they also decided to do the entire show and i think they’re in season 14 right now? they’re very fun and they love the show a lot so there are some references you might miss out on but if you listen for more then one ‘season’ you’ll pick up on most of them

The Official Project Runway Recap Podcast - this is a project runway recap show But! unlike every other podcast on this list the show knows they exist so the show sends them raw audio for their soundbites which is just a weird and surreal experience. they’re both big fans of the show and they actually go to real runways so its interesting to listen to semiprofessional opinions.

Rob has a Podcast - they do a whole bunch of shows but i mostly listen to their big brother recaps because im a fake fan and dont pay for feeds. their survivor updates are also Pretty Good

i have two more that aren’t tv recaps but they’re still recaps If That Helps

 ANCSWWSM - ancswwsm is an (acronym for angle is neo cry is a space wolf and we’re stuck in the matrix) a recap podcast where two good friends watch dogshit garbage movies and make fun of them. the episodes are 30ish minutes and they are on haitus but its a very good fun show that i love a lot 

The Star Wars New Canon Book Club -  its a recap podcast for star wars new canon books listen most of these titles are self explanatory. i am a fake star wars fan because i also dont have the patients to read all of the books unless its phasma thats the only good one dont read the others. they do beat for beat recaps (and also talk about the movies a lot) so maybe this will also work for you

[thenobullshtblog-blog]

Ink Etiquette

Since I am getting a new tattoo in September it’s made me think about all the questions, comments and unwanted concerns that I usually get when I advertise I am getting a new piece.With that, I've been inspired to do a rant style blog on stupid shit people say regarding my tattoos. At the end I’ll answer some typical general questions for those who want to get inked but are doing a little more research first.

First things First-tattoo etiquette, you gonna learn today.

Stop telling people they will regret their tattoos

What do you care? It’s not your body, you don’t have to look at it every day! Who gives AF. I cant tell you how many times people have told me I will regret the size of my tattoos, the placement, and that if all my pieces don’t have a huge significant meaning that im gonna wish I never got them. IT’S NOT TRUE. I am not you, so don’t project your shit onto me-10/10 we have different views about life, Negative Nancy. My two largest tattoo pieces have no special meaning. It’s Art. I love art of all kinds, and wanted it on my body because its beautiful and badass. I’ve had one of those tattoos for over 4 years now, have never regretted it a day in my life and its honestly my most highly complimented piece. So suck it.

Stop asking people if they’ve thought about how they will look when theyre 40 or 80

Well spoiler alert, I take phenomenal care of my skin and body in general and I have full intentions of being a super hot milf until I reach the puma and then cougar stage so I’m really not worried about anything up until my mid 70’s. I do understand the general laws of aging and gravity but can you honestly tell me that 80 year old saggy wrinkly tattooed skin looks WORSE than non tattooed saggy wrinkly 80 year old skin? Yeah I didn’t think so.

If you don’t like someones tattoo-you actually don’t have to Say Anything.

So many people have this burning desire to voice an opinion that was never actually asked for. If you don’t have anything nice to say-don’t say anything at all. Unless they ask you for your brutal honest opinion, I would try and avoid commenting. Now if someone has a shitty tattoo I’m not saying lie to them, but just keep their feelings in mind as this will be on their body Forever unless they get it removed or covered up. I've had people ask me if I like their tattoos-and if I don’t like them either because i’ts not my personal style, or it’s a poorly done tattoo this is what I say “oh wow, who did you go to?” and then I start asking about the artist. That’s a safe bet. You don’t need to comment, especially if your comment is not nice. Again-these are permanent, it’s not a shirt that they can return at the store.

Realize that your preference of tattoo style and size may be different than someone else

Go big or go home, has always been my thought when getting a new piece. I’ve always loved large tattoos, dainty isn’t really my style. I am a little extra and I like that part of my personality to show with the art I wear on my body. I’m so tired of the bulging eyes people give me when I tell them how big my piece will be, or when I show them the ones I have (after they ask). You don’t have to get a massive tattoo and I understand large pieces aren’t for everyone-OK but get your active bitch face under control especially if you’re going to ask someone a question about size. I’m not shitting on the infinity sign you have on your ankle-lets move forward.

Stop saying “my tattoos are for me”

This is also something people say to me once I tell them how large my piece will be, they normally respond with “oh, I’d never get a tattoo that big-my tattoos are just for me”. Cool? Mine are too? I didn’t pay all that money, give my literal blood sweat and tears to the ink table if all my pieces weren’t for me. I honestly prefer to have pieces that I can see in pictures, that are easily displayed where I will be able to admire them every day without being totally naked. I don’t need a hidden tattoo on my ass cheek for it to be “for me”. Unless you literally have a tattoo that you got because someone else begged you to get it for them because their skin physically cant be tattooed for some odd reason, and you want to specify that the new tattoo is for you-OKAY THEN STFU.

Stop asking people how much their pieces cost-it’s tacky.

We ALL KNOW that nice ink isn’t cheap. Generally speaking people don’t go around bragging about how much they dropped on a sleeve. Ink is an expression of Self, not Wealth. If you really like the artist who did that persons piece, ask them for the artists Instagram or website so you can get their contact info and email the artist directly to inquire about pricing. On the flip side-if someone’s tattoo looks like dogshit, don’t ask them how much they paid for it. They probably know it looks like dogshit and it’s a sensitive subject- you asking about the price is just salting the wound.

Before you ask somebody Why they are getting what they are getting, consider WHY you are asking them that.

There are usually only a few reasons why people ask about what someone is getting, whether they know it or not. A lot of people don’t even Realize why they are asking what they are asking until they think about it.

1. they love art, and are truly interested

2. they don’t support tattoos and want to give you the whole “don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari spiel”

3. they want to add their two cents to what it is you are getting, try and impose their ideas or change your mind to redirect your vision. Regardless they will subconsciously judge you by the content of your piece and form ideas about you based on what you’re putting on your body and where.

If you are asking “why” for any reason other than the first one. Kindly fu*k off.

Nobody puts bumper stickers on Ferraris, but how many ‘rraris have you see with custom pant jobs, bruh?  And as for you Linda, nobody cares that you don’t like my futuristic post-apocalyptic leg sleeve idea-you’re not changing my mind. Fu*k your two cents if it’s not going toward the bill. And we both know it’s not, so again-kindly fu*k off.

 Alright- so that just about concludes my ranting about stupid shit people say or ask. Lets get to some actual Q&A’s/tips and comments.

What does it Actually Cost?

It depends on the artist! Some artists charge by the size of the piece, and some charge by the hour. Whenever I email a new artist I always ask them if they charge by the piece, or hourly-they’ll let you know. From what I’ve experienced I’ve typically had artists who charge between $150-$250 per hour, but my philosophy when getting a piece is “spare no expense”. This is going to be on your body FOREVER. No, I’m not ballin like LeBron, I’m ballin on a budget, so yes I do have to save up to get my pieces-but it’s always worth it. You get what you pay for.

What does it feel like?

The best way I can describe it, is a hot cat scratch over and over again. In some more sensitive areas it can feel like what I imagine branding would feel like. Everyone has a different pain tolerance and skin sensitivity, so some areas may be more sensitive on some, than others. A lot of people say the ribs are by far the most painful-to be honest when I got my sternum piece although the bony part of the sternum was murder, the ribs weren’t bad at all-in some spots it rattled my rib cage so much it kind of ticked. Likewise, some people get inner bicep/tricep tattoos like it’s nothing, the back of my tricep killed me. I was almost in tears. It totally just depends on your skin.

Go the Extra Mile

If you cant find a local artist that you Love, drive. Even if it’s 2-3 hours out of the way. Again, this is going to be on your body forever. I would rather drive an extra 2 hours or so for the artist I know is going to crush my piece, than a local artist who would probably do an okay job. That’s not to say you cant find a good local artist-but if you cant, expand your search radius.

Walk in, or wait?

It depends on what you want, but if you’re asking for my suggestion I would do as much research as you can on the tattoo shop. Look at customer reviews, the artists online portfolios. You'll have better luck than hoping you randomly pick a good place for a walk in. Although I do have a walk in lettering tattoo and it looks just fine haha For a planned piece understand that the artist you want may be booked for the next couple weeks, months or up to a year. Don’t get discouraged, you'll have time to really think about the piece you want, change any details, and usually if they're booked that far out-they're pretty good and well worth the wait.

Color or Black and Gray?

This is a personal preference. Growing up I Hated how pale I was, being a ginger was a struggle all around but the porcelain skin was definitely a target. I hated wearing shorts, and never did all through high school because of how beaming white my legs are. To be honest I didn’t start wearing shorts until I got my First tattoo. Artists and tattoo admirers alike have complimented my skin time and time again, and how the colors in my tattoos really pop because of how pale I am. So, I prefer color tattoos because they show up super vibrant and it makes me feel even more comfortable in this vampire skin. I don’t necessarily think color is better over black and gray and in some cases I think that it also totally depends on the type of piece you are going for. Consider your skin tone, the type/style of piece you are getting and then decide.

Think it over, and speak up.

I feel like a lot of the “regret” that people are talking about with tattoos comes from spontaneous ideas or trends. There have been so many times I have seen a bad ass concept for a tattoo and I thought about finding and artist and setting an appointment ASAP. The next day I will revisit the idea and go eh, I guess I don’t love it that much. I have a Pinterest board that is just for my tattoo ideas, I pin shit on there so later I can look at it and think if that’s something I really want or not. I definitely recommend either pinning similar images of a concept you want, drawing it out, or writing it down in a notepad and then sleep on it. You'll be surprised how quickly you may change your mind in the course of even a few days, a week, months or a year. If you’ve had the same tattoo concept for quite a while, and every time you revisit the idea you still love it just as much-it’s probably safe to start on that piece when you're ready.

When you finally decide to get your piece, the artist will usually have it drawn out in some form, either on paper-or on an iPad of sorts that shows you all the details and potential coloring (if you're getting color). Do Not be afraid to speak up if you don’t like something or want to change something. It is their job as the artist to accommodate your wants especially since they are putting something permanent on your body. Even when you get the stencil on, if you don’t like the placement, or want to change something-let them know. They can remove the stencil pretty easily and print out a new one after they fix whatever it is you want fixed. But don’t just deal with something if you're certain you don’t like it. You're gonna have to look at it every day.

Artistic Freedom

This is just another opinion-and by no means a fact. But I’ve found by giving the artist freedom on my piece has always made them turn out even better than I imagined. There are quite a few people out there who go in with a very specific piece or picture in mind and are disappointed when their piece doesn’t look EXACTLY like the picture. Well, that’s pretty hard to replicate as it is but especially when that artist isn’t the original artist of that picture or drawing that you bring to the table. This does not go for portraits-obviously you want your Marilyn Monroe to look like Marilyn Monroe and a portrait artist definitely should be able to replicate that haha I am talking about more “creative” pieces you want. My suggestion, have a few pictures of things you like (and some things you don’t like) regarding the concept of your tattoo and tell your artist to have fun with it. If your artist enjoys drawing up your piece and has freedom to add their flair on it, it will probably turn out better than you micro managing the shit out of them. I’ve always given artists freedom and I’ve always been crazy surprised at how the piece they gave me turned out way better than anything I had in mind.

This is all that I can think of? I probably lost 99% of you by the first 500 words, but to those of you who made it to 2,376..cheers.