#the most mentally healthy I've ever been in my life was the time I regularly played tetris with my mother

[eroticshortstories4women]

Over the last few weeks Darling, We have had long talks about our sexual desires "Lover Boy" - and you've confessed to me repeatedly that you want to surrender to me completely... That you want me to have total physical, emotional and psychological control over you, in every aspect of our life... Over the past few weeks (when you've been most vulnerable and honest), You've agreed that I am, beyond a doubt, the superior sex... You now agree and want me, to use you for my pleasure, my entertainment, My needs and desires - and to regularly tease, "edge" and torment you sexually... I will control your erections and all of your orgasms and have total control over your life on a daily basis... Truthfully Sweetie, I'm totally for this, It actually excites me... I have wanted this more than anything else - My whole life my precious stud muffin, but never found anyone like you... We are so lucky to have found each other and to share the same hopes, dreams and desires. I will never let you go... I know this is what you want also... MMmm yes, that's right, take another deep inhale of this killer marijuana, while I continue stroking your Raging Erection... That's a good boy! Nice and Slow, Like This, So you Don't Cum...

But Baby, I do need to clarify a few things now that you have willingly surrendered everything to me... Pay attention now... We have agreed on everything so far, physical control, teasing, tormenting, orgasm control, DENIAL, Chastity - You Pleasuring Me - Daily life together, Restraints, Toys and Equipment... The thing is Baby, on a scale of 1-10 of pleasurable intensity - for all of these things - you are only looking at a 1... Whereas I am looking at a 10...

You’ve awoken all my sensual feminine feelings and desires (over the last few weeks), plus I’ve discovered new ones - and they are taking over me... But don't worry Darling, you'll be ok, I'll take it slow and easy on you as I "Govern" You Completely... Pushing and Expanding Your Sexual Limits, as I Naturally Should... My job will be to KEEP you Hungry and Horny, Your job will be to KEEP me Pleased and Satisfied...

You see I want absolute and TOTAL control over every aspect of your life, everyday... I want my Nurturing, Intoxicating, "Divine" Femininity to be ALL you think about... I want your psyche to be completely helpless, vulnerable and dependent on me for Everything, every minute of everyday... ALWAYS...

You are going to ALWAYS be in restraints of some kind, mental or physical... Sometimes you will not be able to move a muscle and other times you will be able to move around and do chores around the house. Perhaps at times, I'll keep your penis locked in a chastity cage for proper psychological training (it is mine)... It depends on My Mood... But KNOW THIS! You will Never - Ever - Be "allowed" to touch your flaccid penis - Or Your Rock Hard (Desperate) Cock Ever Again... I'll be the Only One to do that Baby... I've worked everything out in my mind, how everything will work and be achieved... You don't have to think of a thing baby, I have it covered... I promise you, I will look after you, and the only things that will ever be on your mind - Will Be Me - Your Healthy Cock and your Beautiful FULL Shaved Balls... Nothing else will exist for you Darling, NOTHING... EVER AGAIN...!

Our free time (days and nights) will mostly consist of me "edging" and teasing you, (or sucking on you), slowly for hours, and then letting you pleasure me, followed by a repeat of the same... Over and Over... Baby, you are going to lose your mind, as I make your Healthy Manhood (Permanently) Larger and Stronger! You see, there is something you need to know... I want to be able to "edge" you so slowly, and for so long, it will literally drive you crazy... I know that the more your healthy virile manhood is exercised, the Larger and Stronger it will Ultimately Become... I intend to spend a lot of time Practicing - How to bring your Joystick to the "Edge", as slowly as possible, and I mean really slowly - Then I want to keep you right on the edge of climax for hours... IT' WILL BE SO GOOD FOR YOU...

A touch, a stroke, a lick,  a feather, my silky soft hair, the softest touch possible, that will send you into a helpless physical spasm, where you will buck and arch - howl, whine, squeal and beg me to let you Cum - As your erection helplessly "dances" above your belly... Oh Baby, you are going to Beg So Much... So Much... Baby I’m going to blow your mind, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Regularly... MMmm That's Right Baby... Before Long you'll Crave "Denial" More than Orgasm... No More Energy Wasting {Explosive} Orgasms For You My Love...

Just so you know, this will turn me ON So Much, I just can't describe it... I'll be as horny and wet - as it’s possible for a girl to be, and so desperate for an orgasm... You'll get the chance to show me how much you appreciate me, as you orally worship and pleasure me... I'll suspend your teasing and edging (just long enough) to allow you to bring me to Orgasm with your tongue and mouth. My Orgasms Will Become Your Everything... And I'll be expecting nothing short of mind blowing euphoric Orgasms, Because I will be So turned on... Your job will be easy, habitual and addictive... My Blissful Flooding Orgasms will be succulent and desirable for you - As you ravenously consume my leaking feminine juices... You will Crave My Yummy Climaxes - and you will soon want lots of them - and the more I have - the more I will want... Naturally you will become addicted to my ambrosial feminine orgasms, dozens each day... As You Remain "Eager" and ULTRA Rock Hard... Our addiction will of course multiply, meaning lots more "edging" and sexual yearning for you Baby... As I Cum and Cum and Cum - All Over Your Mouth OR Incarcerated "Captive" - Properly Subjugated Joystick...

It's my desire to turn your mind to MUSH everyday... I intend to "edge" you - over and over - and give you the most intense sensations Baby, so that you can't think - as your dopamine filled mind receptively listens to my verbal "femdom" programming... You won't know who you are baby... I promise you... You'll Just Be My Hard, Hungry, Everlasting Super COCK of Pure Perfection!

Oh Yes My Love, I Want to be your "Goddess", I want you to Worship and Adore Me... I want "MY" Healthy Cock to be Throbbing HARD at ALL Times - And "MY" Balls to ache with the desire and Need to Cum (as your testosterone levels build and build) ... Oh Baby you will want to Cum so Bad, But you'll have to earn it... I will Keep your "Dopamine" Levels OFF THE CHARTS... !

[memoriesofthecircularroom]

A Farewell For Now

Hello All! I've been working on this final post for a little bit, and well. I think I'm ready today. It's why I cleared out my inbox so much, and why I have been so distant (which was a really good, healthy experience for me actually).

But I'm not ready to leave syscourse fully. I still have a lot to say about it. So, here it is - my big, final post.

For those not interested in my big long post, but wondering what's next for me, I'll be making a short post soon mentioning everything. I just want to get this out of the way.

This post started as a retelling of my experiences leaving radically inclusive pro-endogenic spaces. However, as I was writing it, it became more just… a trip down memory lane (lol, puns). It’s opened my eyes a lot to who I used to be, who I recently was, and who I want to be soon. 

While this is tagged as syscourse, I would appreciate it if you left debates off this post. You’re welcome to reblog and interact, but I want to remind everyone that this is my personal experience. Any general statements about behavior are directed at people I had interaction with. 

TW ahead for... yikes. Everything? Yeah. Just a generalized TW here for all of the content on my blog for the past 5 years.

I think it’s most important to start with context here. I joined the DID/OSDD Tumblr community around 2017. I was 19 years old, and WOEFULLY undereducated. I had a DSM-iii from the school library (the one that still had MPD as a diagnosis) and the internet at my disposal, along with overprotective parents that regularly spied on me and who I am certain checked my browsing history. At the time, Rice was a host of the system. She came out of hiding, stuck around for longer… but genuinely, I don’t think it was super healthy for her. 

Link to Post

This was her first ever post on our DID blog. Mind you, we were not influenced by any other sources yet. This was from our own understanding. Rice didn’t switch out of the front anymore consciously, and the others rarely fronted. This, to her, based on our ignorant research, meant everyone was integrated (which she used to mean the word “fused” - and both words were inaccurate for what we were actually experiencing) and that she somehow didn’t have DID anymore because of it. 

SO… we entered the DID community with a LOT of stupid preconceptions. That’s the point of that screenshot. 

I started out by just reblogging pictures, memes, etc. Just barely starting to dip my toes into the DID/OSDD community. I gave advice when it was applicable to my own life, but given that I was so misinformed on other topics, people were… understandably wary. 

Around this time, I also created a sideblog of mine, probablydidrpgideas. I was just trying to find fun in a life that was quickly spiraling out of my control - I was terrified of having a mental disorder, likely because of internalized ableism. It just sounded so horrible. So I tried to make light of it, and tried to enjoy myself. I don’t regret that part, but then I tried my hand at “spreading information.” Yeah. THAT went great. I’d include a post here, but it was deleted after a system came after me for it. 

The first time I consciously started stepping into syscourse, the first time I participated was… well. 

Here. Link.

I was in denial. I didn’t realize that what I had been through (what little I remember of it) even counted. I knew high school was hard for me, but that was AFTER the cut off age. So this was me, trying to question, genuinely, when that “cut off” was. They responded genuinely and with good information, and kindly too. And my response was…

Link

Up until this point, I had only seen hate. I had seen endos - who claimed to be similar to me - who were being harassed. I saw systems - who, like me, claimed to not have trauma before a specific age - being harassed by people like this person, who claimed DID only happened before a certain age. They suggested I seek therapy, and that if I wasn’t traumatized, I may be experiencing something else. I reacted VERY poorly, like the uneducated (terrified) teenager I was. 

Because of this, and a few other factors, I moved into endogenic spaces. OSDD/DID spaces didn’t accept me, particularly because there were a lot of things about my system that made people doubt my existence. I was a supposed DID system who had “completely fused” in one year without any therapy, but still had alters fronting, who claimed to have formed without trauma (denial is a hell of a drug) and who had genuinely no idea what they were talking about. 

Proof of not knowing what I was talking about: my description of what it meant to be “integrated” 😥

I continued to interact with those who disagreed with endogenic plurality, primarily because I wanted to understand where they were coming from. If I WAS a traumagenic system, then surely I should understand???

Link (tw sh mention)

This was the first time I was fully fakeclaimed. Fair warning, it’s a loooong post and goes into a lot of back and forth. But this was what, ultimately, cemented me as a radically inclusive system. At this point, I was at least OPEN to the idea of being traumatized. So having someone tell me I was just RPing… It hurt. And it all started cause, looking back, I was immature and uninformed - as are the majority of new systems. This person - this JACKASS - looked at me, a clearly fucked up individual, and continued to believe the worst of me. 

I applied that belief to all anti-endos. And I ran to endogenic spaces to feel… safe. 

Endo spaces felt safe. I felt accepted, because, well, they accepted everyone! This was also at the same time I was exploring my gender and sexuality, and when I started falling in love with my nonbinary partner. Endogenic spaces kept comparing the trauma debate to LGBT+ debates. “They say trauma ALWAYS causes systems, just because they’ve never heard of it happening elsewhere!! That’s the same argument as Nonbinary people not existing because you’ve never heard of it!!” (Note: it’s not the same argument.)

It was so easy to become a pro-endo. I could talk for hours about why, but it boils down to feeling accepted and wanted. When I first started looking into things (uneducated, as the post said), I could not comprehend why people were excluding others. “Surely, if so many people say they have a disorder but don’t have trauma, that’s valid, because *I* have this disorder without trauma.” Again. Denial. 

It’s funny because, looking back, I remember things much clearer. I didn’t reblog much from Endogenics at first - largely because I didn’t want harassment. I was more fragile then than I am now, which is clearly saying something. It’s funny too, because I had very similar stances. Just… in an immature way. 

Link

Even by 2019, I wasn’t really certain where I stood. I knew I accepted all the identities I was coming across, but I also had my doubts about how healthy this all was. I didn’t strongly participate in syscourse, even then, but I scrolled it a LOT. I spent way too much of my life on tumblr. Also by this point, I was as stressed out as I had ever been - I was a senior in college, just turning 21 by now, fully realizing I’m traumagenic by this point (even if I didn’t fully accept it), and going through the most stressful goddamn year of my life. My symptoms were getting worse, and… I was always so angry. 

I scrolled major pro endo blogs. I scrolled major anti endo blogs. I was disgusted by what I saw, daily, because here the Evil Traumagenics were - supposedly MY people - bashing endos - who to me, were just existing. “Words change - why can’t they use those words?” I was so frustrated. I just wanted people to leave each other alone. 

Link

As you can see - I actually subscribed to some anti-endo beliefs by now. I acknowledged that some Endogenics have trauma. I just wasn’t outspoken at all, because I knew the harassment my friends in the pro-endo community got. I still considered myself strongly pro-endo, mostly because everyone else did, and partly because… I support endos. I always had. 

It wasn’t until November/December of 2019 that I really fell deeply into tumblr and started drowning in syscourse. Notably, that’s during thanksgiving/winter break - when I was home with my abusers. I started reblogging more from anti-endos (at least, the ones who I agreed with) and started separating DID/OSDD from Endogenics. 

Link

It was also at this time that I began to hate the community. 

Link

I was constantly angry by now. Syscourse was on my dash daily. And of course, quarantine didn’t help. I kept diving further and further into things I didn’t understand. 

Link

2020, November, was where I finally, finally started looking into other arguments. What did people mean when they advocated for non-shared spaces? What were they fighting for? I began reblogging from anti-endos. 

Link (Long post, no screenshot here)

But I slipped back into this. Angry place. I couldn’t shake that anger. And then… the INSTANT 2021 hit… I started turning that anger towards others, very very heavily. 

Link

I started to shift more neutral (slowly, very slowly), but still considered myself pro-endo because I supported them. But I reacted so negatively anytime anyone said ANYTHING negative about Endogenics. I genuinely couldn’t understand what harm they did. Mind you, this was already after I had crashed my car due to their beliefs, had Endogenics tell me I was a mixed-origin system at best, etc etc. i just couldn’t understand how people could be upset at a group of people just trying to exist and get support. 

I held onto my anger for too long. 

[I would post more screenshots, but it won't let me at this point. I'll be providing links from hereon out).

Link: (what even was the point of this? All to hold a grudge? Is that it?)

May was where things started to shift. I was so angry all the time that it was exhausting me. I spent hours of my day on tumblr, scrolled my entire dashboard at least 4 times a day, and scrolled through syscourse tags with obsessive focus. I was stuck now stuck at home, every day, all day, with my abusers. It was a crutch. 

I was so tired. And I started shifting to neutrality: not giving a shit anymore, because giving a shit was… god. It was exhausting. 

Link: This is where I started identifying as "plural" rather than the other terms, as I was so annoyed and frustrated by syscourse.

That didn’t stop me from being a disgusting, hate filled person to defend the people I have been with for so long, however. 

https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/650492132308746240/cant-reply-so-doing-it-this-way-this-here  (This entire post was just... So sickening. I just made comparisons to being gay as a way to defend how the DSM changes and isn’t correct and just. Ugh.) 

I hate scrolled anti-endo blogs (that I sometimes reblogged from, because. I agree with the things I reblogged.) I tried to do positivity to cheer myself up - which didn’t last.  I made positivity posts for Endogenics that got shat on by people, which just increased my anger. Everything just. Need more anger. I knew I wanted to stop, but I COULDN’T because god, everything was making me so angry, and here I was, with nowhere to put it - but in syscourse. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/655709219852615680/honey-im-blocking-people-thats-it-im-not 

It just kept getting worse. And worse. And worse. I kept fluctuating between a very aggressive pro-endo and a very dead inside “neutral.” 

And then I changed. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/672094051347070976/thanks-so-much-for-explaining-it-that-way-that 

@justanothersyscourse. You… heard my anger, and frustration, and you replied kindly. And while it itched inside, burned, to be talking to someone I had frequently complained about in private, you offered safety on the other side. Safety for me to research, to understand, to see. All I ever wanted, originally, was to understand. You have us that chance. 

The rest of tumblr never saw it - but Dude (the owner of that blog) sat with me for a half hour or so in DMs while I bawled my eyes out in a Covid testing line and as I tried to work out where I stood on the “disordered / dysfunctional” debate. He made me feel like someone understood for once; agreed that BOTH sides are toxic, and that BOTH sides have such majors flaws. I felt at the time that everybody hated me, because every post I made for backlash. Every post I made got people upset. I never got “good anons.” I never got asks at all. Just… people reblogging and telling me I was fake. 

Dude opened me up to actually breathing again. 

That was in December, 2021. About 6 months ago. Half a year. And it was the first time I felt less angry. 

Dude being kind made me look at other anti-endo blogs. I found kind people, through dude - and unkind people too. But I agreed with all of them, at first, and considered myself anti-endo in January. I started tagging posts as anti-endo infrequently. That lasted a little bit (though I oscillated the entire month between pro and anti). 

Jan 10: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673028376279302144/genuinely-not-sure-how-i-feel-about-endo-systems 

Also Jan 10, in response to that post: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/673035335340539904/if-your-support-for-a-whole-demographic-changes 

I voiced my struggles regularly with this oscillation. Another thank you has to go to Agony - I sent so many anonymous asks to the Agony Auncles during this time in hope of some guidance, and I received it. 

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/674571799196041217/you-can-feel-free-to-delete-this-if-youd-like 

I started feeling a little better, but I’ve realized now why: I felt better because I could RECOGNIZE my anger now. Before, I didn’t even recognize my anger. Now, I did - but I wasn’t sure how to solve it. 

In February, I tried to step back, just like I did very recently.

Link: https://memoriesofthecircularroom.tumblr.com/post/676399663864266752/hey-message-from-mod-curtis-here-were-going-to 

I couldn’t though. I couldn’t stop scrolling syscourse; especially when I still had to be home. It was so much harder now, I was building up to coming out, so I hid in my phone and tried to ignore everything. I used syscourse to hide. 

I started trying to generalize my posts more - maybe if I wasn’t directly supporting either side, that anger (conscious or not) would die down. 

This… this, I think, is where hell broke loose. 

I started calling myself “neutral” - I didn’t fit cleanly into either of the boxes people appeared to have made. I started arguing “both sides are bad and here are their flaws” - and a very small group of people agree with me!! It’s been lovely having that group. 

The tumblr community, however…

Ugh. I don’t think I want to even dig anymore. Anyone who’s been reading this far likely already knows how these past few months went for me. I posted a lot of takes, got both support and heinous amounts of harassment. I was lightly threatened with Doxxing from the pro-endo doxxer, was told to kill myself numerous times, and went toe-to-toe with major pro-endo players. 

Nothing I did these past few months feels productive. Not anymore, at least. During the moment, it felt good - but I suppose self harm usually does, in the moment. It’s funny; I frequently make sure to remind people to step away from syscourse when it’s hurting them. So why is it so hard for me to do the same? 

I realized, when writing this post, just how damaging it’s all been for me. I started writing this post from a place of, what I’ll call it here, “boiling anger education.” I’ve frequently said that you cannot educate when you are just angry, and I still hold to that - but I wasn’t doing better myself. I didn’t realize I was so angry, so hateful, until I finally, finally managed to fully step away and see the bigger picture. 

I took a walk outside for the first time in months on Thursday. It was incredible. I started drawing again - granted, for system related things, but it’s been so refreshing. I started writing again, because I wasn’t busy refreshing my notifications to make sure nobody had misinterpreted what I said now, to make sure I didn’t need to respond to someone to clarify my point. 

It’s been about a week (I think - time is so hard for me to keep track of. It feels simultaneously like yesterday, and like years ago) since I wrote the post that made me step back. Genuinely, I don’t know how to feel about the take I made there. I don’t think it’s beneficial to even address it here; I’m not healthy enough for that yet. I think it would be a disservice, to myself and to others, to address it here. I always say “if you aren’t educated on the topic, you can share your thoughts and personal feelings, but you can’t give information.” I want to stand by that here, especially since I haven't been lately.

Looking back, Memories of the Circular Room has changed. That’s a good thing, in a lot of ways. It started as a way to me to learn more, to post about my experiences, and to become comfortable with my system. I believe I’ve done those things. I also believe it’s changed me for the worse - the syscourse, the hate, the anger I’ve held onto. 

I think MotCR served me well. But I also think I’m not that person anymore. I don’t need to remember anymore. I don’t need to be stuck in who I was, or who I was becoming. I can change, and grow, and hopefully, I can be kind. That’s all I wanted, back then: someone to be kind to me, to educate me. That’s who I want to be. 

This is my funeral pyre for Memories of the Circular Room. One last, final post - one last final memory of everything. A chronicle of all of the things that have happened, a quick summary, one that certainly doesn’t contain everything, but shows the changes I went through. I think I’m finally ready to move on. 

MotCR will remain “active” in the sense that you can scroll this blog to see any post made here. I’m not going to private it, because I think there are good things that were said here, and I want myself and others to be able to access those things. But I will no longer reblog things here, make original posts, or answer asks. I’m moving on, and away, and changing how I tackle syscourse. 

I’ll be making one last post when I fully am ready to share my new plans (which include a new blog). But for now? This is it. 

Thank you for reading ❤️💙💜💗🖤💛💚❣️🧡💟🤍❤️

[yzafre]

Sometimes its worth thinking about why you do or do not want to engage with some generally popular aspect of fandom - not necessarily to change your mind, or because you're wrong to not like it, but because it can really expose something you didn't realize was going on in your brain, like.

Like, okay, Axel/Saix or Lea/Isa is a decently popular ship in the KH fandom, but not one I've ever really wanted to engage with. It's been this way for years. I'm just not into it - at least as like, a functioning ship. I ship them Exclusively As Divorced, you get me?

And it's like. Yeah, okay, I see why people would be into this, I do, but it's just... I don't know, bouncing off my brain like it's hitting a barrier, or something. But then I started thinking like.. Why? Why am I weirdly resistant to it? So I start going down the list, trying to understand.

Is it because I'm just generally disinterested? I mean, I guess, but that's the question I'm asking.

Is it because I ignored BBS for a loooong time, so spent most of my teenage years thinking Axel was also a teenager and shipping AkuRoku? ....well, thanks for bringing up that mental dissonance again, ugh, yeah that probably contributed, but I don't think I'm shallow enough for that to be all of it.

Is it because I played 358/2 days first, where aside from Xemnas being shady, Saix is like... he's the antagonist. He's the one you largely see actively working against/disliking your faves, he's so mean to them, I was actively primed to dislike him so of course I'm not interested in a ship with a character I dislike? That sounds very solid, but for some reason doesn't seem like all of it.

Is it because I find the "divorced" relationship more compelling? This idea of, like, yes we're reconciling, but something's still fundamentally broken. You could have been the love of my life, but we fucked it up, and now thing's can never be the same again, and even if we're managing to rebuild a friendship we're going to have to live with the knowledge hanging over us. Like, yeah, I find that really, really interesting, but there's still something -

Is it because we're given very little to go on for a healthy version of their relationship, half of which gives comes from BBS which, again, I ignored for a long time. And, you know, because of the above mentioned points, I have no desire to put in the effort to extrapolate out what their relationship would be as a becoming-health-again ship, because I don't like Saix/Isa enough for that, and why would I bother when the Axel-Roxas-Xion relationship is already right there and - oh.

Ohhhh. This is the point where I realized it was never about Isa/Lea. It was always about Axel-Roxas-Xion.

That is, I really, really like the trio's dynamic, their relationship. That's the one I want to see, the one I want to be developed. I want that to be their central relationship, the one they build their lives around. And, yes, you can have both a really important friendship and a romance, but under mainstream romance rules, Isa/Lea would still be a threat to the type of relationship I want.

Because, mainstream, your romantic relationship is the central relationship in your life. Your romantic partner is the one you build your life with, that you share yourself with most. So, under this paradigm, the Isa/Lea relationship would become central or more important, where Roxas and Xion would be relegated as just little siblings, that you love dearly and see regularly, but aren't a part of you the way your romantic partner is. Isn't the partner you're building a life with. And I hated that idea. Hate hate hate hated it.

All of the above reasons for not being interested in the ship are true, but also it's because I want Axel-Roxas-Xion to be the central relationship in each other's lives, like romance is but without the romance, and based on the rules of the culture around me Isa/Lea would overwrite that.

Because really it's been about my complicated relationship with the concept of romance all along. Thanks, brain.

...still ship it only as divorced, though.

[imagineimagineimagine]

Fluff Alphabet with Ganyu?

Ganyu: A-Z Fluff Alphabet

This request was sent in before I made my rule. If you would like to send in a request using this alphabet, please make sure its 1 character with 1-4 letters or 2 characters with 1-2 letters each.

Fluff Alphabet can be found here: Click Me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about their partner?)

Physically: Ganyu loves the sound of your voice. When it's loud and boisterous she can't help but feel captivated by it, and when its low and subdued, it one of the most soothing things she has ever had the honor of listening to.

Mentally: Ganyu loves how patient you are. While her job demands that she regularly interact with those who demand immediate (and oftentimes impossible) results, you are her own personal little oasis away from it all which allows her to finally take a moment for herself.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Long story short, it's complicated. The answer to this question would be heavily reliant upon the lifespans of both you, and the children. For Ganyu, the only way she could see starting a family with you would be if both you and the children had extended lifespans like she does. If only one or neither of you lived as long as she did, then she would be very hesitant to even consider the possibility.

If both you and the children were human, then she would only get to spend at most a century with this family she was blessed with before you would all pass on. You being human but the kids immortal also wouldn't work. Ganyu was given to her human father to raise, but a large majority of her childhood was spent being raised by Cloud Retainer. If you were human, then even when you were an old man/woman the children would still only have matured to the physical age and mental maturity of toddlers.

If both you and the children were immortal, then Ganyu still be a little hesitant, (as she would worry as to whether her children would feel as isolated as she once did), but would be far more receptive to the idea of starting a family. The children being adopted or biological would mean very little to her.

C = Cuddle (How do they like to cuddle?)

It will take some time before it happens, but when Ganyu becomes comfortable with your presence in both her life and her personal space, you will find that she is 100% a touch-starved cuddle monster. Ganyu's favorite way to cuddle is to be curled up in your lap, with her head resting against your chest, while your arms wrap around her to hold her close. When you gain her absolute trust, she greatly enjoys having you lightly stroke her horns as you cuddle. Be warned though, she can and will steal your body heat like no tomorrow. Her Cryo Vision means she's fantastic to cuddle with in the summer though.

D = Dreams (How do they picture their future with their S/O?)

Ganyu's dreams for the future are relatively simple. Beyond the general continued peace and prosperity for Liyue Harbour, all Ganyu wishes for is that you remain safe and healthy no matter how many years may pass. Some more responsibilities beyond that of just secretarial work would be nice too.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

"Next to you, is where I want to belong. Even after centuries of wondering, I still do not know if I should be allowed to live side-by-side with humans or the Adapti. Maybe instead of trying to answer that I've been burying myself in numbers and reports trying to escape reality. But when I am with you, I feel as ordinary as everyone else, and your love makes me feel like I belong. So may I stay by your side."

EDIT: I know I used "you is" instead of "you are" but its my post so I make the rules

F = Feelings (When did they know they're in love?)

Ganyu has a tendency to internalize and repress a lot of her more "uncertain" emotions, so it will take her a while before she even realizes herself that she has fallen in love. That being said, even if she does represses them, her crush on you tends to make itself known through other forms. When you're not present, Ganyu behaves as diligently as she always does. When you are in front of her however, all her attention seems to be laser focused solely on you.

Something about you just seems to demand her attention and gets her heart racing like no tomorrow. More than likely someone like Keqing will bluntly ask her why she behaves so strangely when you're around, resulting in her realizing that she might have feeling for you.

G = Gratitude (How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their S/O does for them?)

Ganyu is insanely grateful to have you in her life. A part of her still can't believe that she has been blessed with someone who loves and accepts her no matter how different she may be from both humans and Adepti. In her many centuries of living, her only goal has been to honor the contract she made with Rex Lapis. And while she still fully intends to honor that contract, perhaps it's time she made another with you.

H = Honesty (Do they have secrets they hide from their S/O?)

The only secrets Ganyu tries to actively keep from you are those which she is legally obligated not to reveal. Seriously, knowing which toothpaste Ningguang uses, probably requires signing like five NDAs. That being said, Ganyu also has a tendency to keep her own fears, worries, and insecurities to herself. She doesn't want to burden you with them, so even if its something which has been bothering her for a while, she would prefer to keep it to herself; especially if those worries are related to you and your relationship.

I = Injury (How would they react if you got hurt?)

Ganyu's handles you getting injured pretty decent. You don't live as long as she has or fight through the Archon War without being able to keep your cool under pressure. She's worries about you regardless, but generally her reactions will depend on how bad the injures you got were. Ganyu handles you getting a little hurt (cuts, bruises, broken bones) pretty well. Thanks to all of her experiences, she's pretty good at being able to gauge how bad an injury is at a glace and what she needs to do medical treatment wise to make sure you're going to be okay.

You getting hurt severely (life and death situations) is where she really starts to panic. When this happens, all of Ganyu's fears and worries came rushing forward from the corners of her mind. Not knowing whether you're going to be all right, the soul-crushing feeling that she is going to lose you/spend the rest of her life alone, etc. Its going to take a while before she'll feels ok again or stops worrying about you.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous? How do they deal with it)

Ganyu doesn't get jealousy so much as she gets insecure. This feeds back into her feelings of being isolated, her "otherness", wondering if she spends too much time working and not enough time with you, etc. When this happens, Ganyu tends to get quiet, put her head down, and tries to act busy. This is further compounded by her dislike of sharing her insecurities with you unless prompted. As you relationship becomes closer however, Ganyu will become more comfortable in expressing those emotions to you, or confronting the person directly and telling them you're taken.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss you? How do they like to be kissed?)

For a person like Ganyu who is easily flustered, cheek and forehead kisses are the best; both to give and receive. They convey a lot of emotion but still remain chaste and don't tend to get as heated as kisses on the lips do. As your relationship progresses however, Ganyu will like to give very quick pecks on your lips when the two of you are alone, and in turn she likes to receive kisses on her lips and horns.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

I feel like 8 times out 10 you would say it first rather than Ganyu, but I had an neat idea so I'm going to write about that instead.

Surprising, Ganyu was the first to say "I love you". For a large portion of your relationship with her, you decided to let her dictate the pace at which your relationship progressed. That way, with every step of this journey the two of you would take together, she could have time to feel comfortable with the myriad of new experiences she was enjoying with you. During one of her rare days off, (which for once she requested), Ganyu took you to one of her favorite places in all of Liyue. There, as the two of you settled in for an afternoon nap underneath the mid-day sun did Ganyu say those three words you didn't know you were going to hear so soon.

M = Memory (What’s their favorite memory together?)

Ganyu's favorite memory is during one of the visits to Cloud Retainer's domain. While not the first time she had taken you to visit the Adepti who raised her, it was the first time she realized just how well the two of you got along. Seeing two of the most important people in her life converse and understand one another made Ganyu feel as though perhaps one day both sides of her could be accepted.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

After a 1000 years of working, this girl is stacked. Ganyu is the type of person who would spoil you, but only on specific occasions. She isn't the type of person who will notice you looking at something and then immediately buy it for you; unless of course its a practical purchase. You weapon needing immediate maintenance is something she would gladly pay for, you noticing some nice jewellery or a fancy watch is not. Spoiling you is pretty much reserved as a reward for celebrations or anniversaries. On those occasions however, Ganyu will have bought you far more presents then you will even know what to do with. Most will have been bought or commissioned, but there will always be at least one thing handmade present amongst the piles.

O = On Cloud Nine (What are they like when they're in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?)

When Ganyu is in love, she is much more cheerful and energetic. While she always handles with her responsibilities with greatest care and enthusiasm, now it seems as though there is no amount of overtime which can keep her down. As she goes about her duties, her cheeks always seem to have a little bit of red to them and small smile never seems to leave her face.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Ganyu would keep it pretty simple with the pet names she calls you; only really using one or two. In the company of others, she would simply refer to you using your name, (as called you by a pet name with others around would absolutely make her explode with embarrassment). In private, Ganyu would probably refer to you as something classic, such as "love", "dear", or some variation of your name.

Q = Questions (What are the questions they’re always asking?)

"Is there anything you would you like some help with?"

*yawn* "Would you like to take a nap together?"

"I'm free for lunch/dinner today, would you like to join me?"

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

While Ganyu definitely loves listening to the sound of the rain while sitting in the courtyard, unfortunately its appearances bring with it quite a bit of extra paperwork and overtime. Guilds and merchants complaining about the muddy roads, ships returning to the harbor in need of immediate repairs, etc. Thankfully though, her office inside Yujing Terrace is nice and warm, and the sound of rain falling is perfect for taking a quick nap.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/S/O up?)

When were you're sad, Ganyu immediately starts by hugging you and stroking your hair. It doesn't matter how long it takes for you calm down, Ganyu will stay right there by your side. After that's done, Ganyu will calmly listen to everything you have to say while already formulating a plan on how to fix whatever it was that upset you. When Ganyu is sad, its best to simply listen to what she has to say. Don't offer advice, or a solution, just be there for her and listen. There aren't many people to whom she can simply vent to, so just listening to her problems is very therapeutic for her.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Ganyu is more of a listener than a talker, or prefers to just sit in an comfortable silence with you. That being said, topics such as Rex Lapis, and the changes in Liyue, (both to its people and the city itself), over the centuries are always really good and interesting conversation topics for her. The dogs down by Liyue's waterfront are also another topic which Ganyu could talk about endlessly. She has personally named them all, and knows each of their favorite ways to play.

U = Understanding (How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

Ganyu understands her partner very well. There will always be a part of her which may sometimes over analyzes your words and actions, but she knows first and foremost that you would never do anything to hurt her. In turn, Ganyu is incredibly empathetic. She will never mock or ridicule your for your pain, and would do everything in her power to make sure you live as happy of a life as she can possible provide.

V = Value (How important is the relationship to them? What is it worth in comparison to other things in their life?)

Ganyu places a great deal of importance and reverence on your relationship with her. As the relationship progress and your connection to one another becomes stronger, Ganyu would come to consider both you and your relationship with her to be as important as her contract with Rex Lapis is. A contract which she has faithful abided by for over 1000 years.

W = Wedding (When, where, and how do they propose?)

Ganyu will consider proposing after you were rescued from a life or death situation. Almost losing you would get her to reevaluate a lot of things in her life. She knows being married won't magically make you safe from all potential dangers, but if anything were to happen, she wants there to be as few lingering regrets as possible.

There is only one place where Ganyu considers proposing, her childhood home: Mt. Aocang. She prepares literally everything from the food to her proposal speech, to what position the sun should be almost an entire year in advance.

X = XOXO (How affectionate are they? In public/in private)

In public, Ganyu prefers to keep affection to a bare minimum or not at all. While she enjoys the affection she receives from you, its rather embarrassing and unprofessional to participate in it when in pubic or in the company of others

In private, Ganyu is rather affectionate, especially when she become comfortable with you. She is 100% the type of person to bury their head into your chest, back, or neck and nuzzle while humming at how content she is.

Y = Yearning (How well do they cope when they're separated from their S/O?)

Ganyu's ability to cope with separation becomes worse the longer the two of you are together. While at first she is very good at being separated from you for days at a time, after a while she begins to miss you almost as soon as you leave the room. While still as diligent in her work as ever, the best part of her day is definitely coming back home to see you.

Z = Zeal (Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship?)

Ganyu is definitely willing to go to great lengths for your relationship to succeed; perhaps a little too far sometimes. Once you've established that connection, Ganyu would do a lot of things to maintain it. All within reason of course and never at the detriment of other, but she might do somethings to the detriment of herself. Pushing herself harder to make time for both you and work, repressing problems she is having with the relationship, etc. If you have any dignity, make sure you take care of this girl and never betray the trust she places in you

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Hey S! You mentioned being on the aro/ace spectrum and I just had some questions about how you navigate that while being involved in the BDSM/kink world. (This will probably be a bit long, so I apologize in advance)

I also identify as being somewhere on the aro-ace spectrum (I use demi since I feel pretty comfortable with that label and other people have heard of it more). My romantic and sexual attraction are almost always linked, meaning that (usually) I’m not really attracted to anyone sexually unless I’m attracted to them romantically. And I have to get to know someone really well to be attracted to them romantically in the first place.

I don’t know how you identify on the spectrum (and there’s no need to disclose that if you don’t feel comfortable), but I wonder if you have any advice, from your own experience or not, how to get involved with kink/BDSM more, and even just sexuality despite this. I’ve never had sex but I do have a healthy level of sexual desires and I just don’t know how to pursue my sexual interests without having a partner involved, thanks to the limitations of how I identify on the aro-ace spectrum.

I hope this wasn’t over sharing, and no pressure to respond if you don’t feel comfortable (obviously don’t want to force you to disclose any information that you don’t feel comfortable explaining/sharing)!

related to (part of) this

Hey! Nah, it's cool, I'm chill with long asks.

Yeah, before I answer some questions, I figured we'll get into just how much I fall on the spectrum, y’know? Like, I don't know if you saw/read this ask, if you didn't that's totally fine lol but, I'm gonna Plagiarize myself for a moment lol:

"Anyway, in my personal experience it's never been a specific label for me? I've believed myself to be straight, bi, pan, and ace. Now, I just say queer.

And, for the purpose of illustration, my best friend growing up is/was a cis woman who's bisexual. (She's romantically attracted to women, men, and nonbinary people, still she sticks with the label bisexual because it works for her. However, she's also asexual and completely sex repulsed. But in her experience and heart, bisexual is her label. It's what feels good to her.) And growing up with her as a best friend - among a bunch of other LGBTQ+ kids - made it so my sexuality wasn't ever weird? It really wasn't questioned in the most beautiful way.

I wish everyone had that experience, it took so much stress off of me, not worrying about my close peers judging my gay-ness. In fact, it didn't really occur to me how "unacceptable" queerness was until I came out to my parents. I had close friends that were both girls that dated in middle school. Everyone regularly discussed the girls they liked and the boys and it was never a Gay Crush or a Straight Crush. Just a crush. I was very lucky with my friends, the rest of the people around me not so much though haha.

So, yeah, it wasn't different and it didn't matter that while, yeah, I think girls are pretty and so are boys yet.... I'm not interested in any of them. Not right now. Maybe when I'm older (I always thought I'd finally hit my phase of being girl crazy and get the "love bug" (as they called it in middle school)... I didn't lmao).

It wasn't until mid-to-late high school that I experienced a crush lmao. My first girlfriend was in senior year of high school, my first kiss and first kinky experience was the same year. (I knew I was kinky prior though)

Before (and even at the time of senior year) I was dealing with so much internal shit, mental health wise, that it was almost like my brain blocked that part off. Subconsciously knowing I was not stable enough to handle a relationship- even one as flimsy as a high school relationship.

Still, I could count the amount of Real Life crushes that I've had on one hand. (Celebrity crushes are different to me lol.) Additionally, even today, of those crushes, I've never experienced the classic crush the way it's explained in media. No stuttering when speaking to them. No blushing. No butterflies or rapid heart rate.

My feelings, when I am interested in someone, are still different feeling from friends though. Just not the same way I hear typical people describe feelings for friends versus partners. Mine are more... muted? That's the only word I can think of at least.

So, technically, I exist on the aromatic spectrum.

And sort of opposite to what you're describing- I've got no muted feelings for sexuality. (Hopefully this isn't too TMI lol.) Sexual attraction wise I have a preference for women (romantically that's also my preference) but I find men and other types of people appealing too. So, technically, I'm pansexual. I don't feel a difference between gender and never have.

Although with sexuality I will say, vanilla sex doesn't hold any heat or draw for me. I call myself a kinkster a lot but, technically, I'd more be a fetishist because kink is kind of something I need to get there 😏

It's not that I'm sticking my nose up at vanilla sex, I just don't see the appeal when I could have more Spice™️. The only thing I see, in theory, changing that is a strong emotional connection between me and someone who wants softer sex. But... that might be challenging, being on the aro spectrum and finding it hard to fall in love or just difficult to crush lol.

So, comprehensively, queer is my label because it's what feels the best and feels like it doesn't limit me in any way. Plus, secondly to my own feelings on it (which should come first), it's the easiest way to explain myself to other people."

So... basically that's the long way of staying: I'm more on the aro spectrum than the ace spectrum. I don't feel romantic attraction often and it's more muted when I do. I feel sexual attraction more commonly, almost normally, but... I also know it's not fully the "normal" amount/attraction toward "normal" sexual activities as allosexual people would.

Anyway -

Mmm yeah, I've played with the label demi too but I don't think it's me. I totally get that concept though, even if it's not how my personal feelings work, y’know? I'm happy that you have a label you can identify as, hey, that's me! And, hey, there are other people like me out there! That's always nice.

And, oof, yeah that's a really hard question to answer and unfortunately the only advice I can really give you is the same as just getting involved in the kink community like anyone would. Find what's out there in your community. Go to munches, events, bars (if there are specific bars in your area or nights at bars (usually bigger cities have those somewhere)), etc. For you particularly though, I wouldn't recommend going to play parties where sex/scenes are happening until you have a more established base in the kink community. Partly because there's not much communication happening, just a lot of hooking up lol. Unless you feel comfy just watching, declining anyone who asks you to participate, I'd wait to do that. Just to tread lightly y’know? But you know yourself better than anyone else so... do what you like.

As far as not having a partner (I'm assuming partner as in dating boyfriend/girlfriend/nbfriend), that's really hard too.... I mean, you don't need to have a romantic and sexual partner to engage in scenes lol, that's what trusted kinky friends are for.

Although- perhaps you do need a partner, it depends on your attraction with friends and your boundaries.

Other than that, I would also suggest bringing a friend you have already (if you know anyone who's curious about kinky shit lol), or going to those events in order to establish new friends. In my experience, most of the kinksters I've met do relationships backward- they don't do romance first or date first and instead hook up first and have scenes then slowly fall in love lol. But! That doesn't mean all of them are like that. Plenty will be happy to establish a connection with you and see what happens after the groundwork is laid. Just make sure you're up-front with the fact that you're demi so everyone is on the same page!

Also- the people you will be meeting already are a part of marginalized society, out of the norm, so, in theory, they should be emphatic to your experience as well as what you do or do not concent to.

I don't know if any of that helped or made sense but... hopefully it did! Basically, you know what you need, try to socialize in the way you're comfortable with and see where it takes you.

P.S. if you want further proof that you're not alone, Amp from Watts The Safeword [an online content creation body with Amp and his Daddy] is very kinky and also demi! I highly recommend the content that is made there too, educational and entertaining.

I wish you well on your kinky journey sweetheart 😘

[beautyinthediss0nance]

Tales From the Ex-Crypt Vol. 9

Wow.. volume 9.. I'm going to wrap it up with this one because I really don't want to live in the past or think about any of these people any more. I'm happy, even if Mr HTG is still not officially mine, I only want to look forward and these crypts will be closed. There are definitely more stories than the ones I've written here.. but this is the one that people are like "NO.. that only happens in movies!"

So, I was minding my own business at work when one of my regular customers walked in with a friend. They had been at a dinner party, and started talking about winter tires, and my customer said that the friend had to come see me for tires, and proceeded to bring him in. His friend wasn't someone who really stood out to me, there was nothing remarkable to me about him. He was nice enough, mild mannered, tall, blue eyes, great smile (I'm a sucker for eyes and smiles) and we went over some tire options. I sent them on their way with the friend having his quotes in hand.

I didn't really think anything more of it, it was busy (snow) season and I was plenty busy. A week or so later, the friend comes back, he had decided on some tires and steel wheels and put his deposit down on the order. I wrote up the order, and handed him his copy, when he asked "so when do I get to see you again?" and my smart ass responded with something to the effect of when he got his tires on.

I hadn't really paid any attention to him prior to that moment, and he wasn't my "type" at all. I went home, and something kept nagging at me about him, so I sent him a text after getting his number off his order slip. This is not something I generally do, but since he'd already asked me out, I didn't feel like I was overstepping. This was also 10 years ago.

I didn't hear anything back until the Monday, when I got a profuse apology for the delay, and the excuse that he had had his phone stolen while having lunch on a patio over the weekend in a busy tourist town.

We started talking regularly, he came in and got his snow tires in the meantime, and we hung out for our first "date". He told me he was on a joint task force for terrorist threats between the FBI and CSIS and had to travel often as the supervisor of his unit. He said he would try to see me as often as possible but that it wasn't always a lot of time. I didn't mind, as I was busy and we facetimed and talked by text and phone. I never felt neglected.

We dated for a year, our relationship was amazing, we got along so well, and he made me strive to be my best self. I lost a ton of weight, was eating well, and made an appointment with my doctor to get my mental health in check.

We never had sex, we just had incredibly hot makeout sessions. I always thought it was odd that he didn't want to go any further, but he said he had had a bad experience and wanted to wait until we were married. As he was on the smaller side, I figured that had something to do with it, but I was so absolutely in love by that point it didn't really matter.

He had all sorts of pics of him in his flack in his suits, in the cars, with the guns, or just in offices. I'd get a text or call saying he was flying in and was driving to see me, but would only have about an hour or two to spend with me before he had to get back to his team and back on the road. It kept things exciting, and I loved surprise visits when he'd text me at work that he was outside.

I wanted to see him more, of course, especially as things got more intense between us. But it was always a matter of time for him. No matter how awful other things in my life were going, whenever asked how things with him were, I would immediately brighten and say they were amazing.

My anxiety was getting to a very dysfunctional level, and I was struggling hardcore to manage it. I went to the doctor, he arranged for me to begin therapy. He was supportive when I told him. This was around our 1 year together. But the next time I got to see him, I got doused with ice water, when I gifted him with an expensive watch and he told me he wanted to take our relationship back a step because of his schedule. His reason was that I was amazing and I deserved to be able to pursue someone who could give me everything he wasn't able to due to his job. I was blindsided and devastated. Because I loved him so much, and was dumb, I agreed to try. I'm an absolutely all-in or all-out type of personality, there is no grey middle ground for me. It is why I do struggle with FWB and casual arrangements, unless I have mentally steeled myself to be all-out and just enjoy the moment without feelings.

My first year of therapy and into my second was almost fully dedicated to dealing with this trauma. I have never had a break up so devastating. I am pretty sure most of the damage came from the shock, but also from the "trying" to move forward with him flitting in and out of my life instead of just cutting clean ties.

I cried a lot.. I was so stressed my cortisol levels caused my body to produce more than double the healthy level of reverse T3, completely messing up my thyroid and metabolism, I gained weight, lost energy and all the other fall out. It took me years to recover, and moving to NS and stumbling upon a doctor who treated the thyroid issues (which seem to be back in working order now after some thyroid hormone therapy).

I have never ever let someone have so much impact on my life, and the only reason I can ever explain it with was just the depth of love I had for this man. I don't even know why or what sucked me in, beyond his confidence and charm. He was one of the many devil Aquarius that I dated, always trying to prove the zodiac/astrology stuff was absolutely wrong (because I am generally SO drawn to Aquarius and have dated that sign more than any other). The zodiac definitely kicked my ass with Aquarius to show me that I fucked around and found out the hard way for sure.

We did the on and off/casual thing for 6 months before it was too toxic and messed me up too badly and I cut him off. It was about 6 months later he crawled back, and we tried it again for about another 6 months before I broke again and cut him off permanently.

I tried to not think of him, and started trying to move on with dating. My longterm ex and I had become gaming friends again by this point, in a mostly healthy and functional way. He had asked me to get an app called Voxter so he could send me voice messages (pre-imsg) and I had. You have to make an account to use Voxter though, and then the app itself didn't pick up my soft voice so I deleted it. But the account remained.

One day, I get an email that I have a new suggested contact/friend on Voxter. I open the email, and low and behold, it is Mr Aquarius Devil... and I'm like "hmm.. I don't have any of his new contact information in my phone" so I go to my computer and open my gmail.. start typing in his name and up pops this picture:

The fucker was MARRIED... and had a KID.

I will say, that was the BEST closure ever.. I was INSTANTLY over his ass instead of lamenting WHY it hadn't worked and what I had possibly done wrong. What I had done wrong, was fall for a fucking dirtbag.

Now, I work with the public.. and I had lots of regular customers that would ask me how I was and what was going on with me, and share what was going on with them. I was angry, and I showed a few of them this pic and was like "look at this fucker, he has a WIFE and KID" and I think it got back to him.

Two weeks after I stumbled upon this picture on his gmail, I got a full confessional email from him.

Turns out, he had been married for 12 years, and his son was 7 at the time I found out. Not only that, but he wasn't in law enforcement, HE WAS A PASTOR.. He had also gotten busted for sleeping with two women in his congregation, and fooling around with two others. He had lost his congregation and his church was sending him out west to some rehab. His wife was staying with him, and moving out there with him. He basically said it was all a lie (everything) and that his therapist said he had to write apology letters and explain himself to his victims (like myself). He said it was an ego trip to compensate for low self esteem. So basically, I was just an ego boosting toy for him.

A year later, I received a random text message from a southern Alberta phone number. I am guessing it was his wife, as all it said was "Have you been in contact with J***?" and I was like "J*** who?" and never heard anything ever again. But I am sure he was already back to his old tricks.

[tellywoodtrash]

Hi TT! So, this is out of the blue but I've been planning to get a cat and asking every single I know who owns a cat if I should. Would you recommend it?

Oh hello anon!

I personally did not plan to get Chandler. I just found him, abandoned in a stairwell, with a broken leg. I played with him a little and started to leave (coz I was super superrrrrrrrr late for work!), but he kept following me no matter how many times I put him back in the spot I found him. So I just took it as a sign that we were meant to find each other, and took him home. My parents weren’t thrilled, but I made a biggggggggg fuss until they agreed. (And now, he’s the preferred child in the house over me!!!!!!!)

The most important thing I would tell you is that please know that being a responsible pet owner is not sunshine and rainbows and frolicking through meadows all the time. It takes quite a bit of financial resources and patience. It’s very much like having a permanent toddler, that’s dependent on you for their whole life. Food, litter, vet bills, they can add up. They may unintentionally cause damage around the house. You will need to spay/neuter them to ensure that they don’t have behavioural issues caused by hormones. Cats are nocturnal creatures and can keep waking you periodically at night. We moved countries, and unfortunately, lots of people abandon pets in such cases; but we couldn’t even dream of doing that to Chandler, and so went through considerable paperwork and expenses to bring him with us to India. If you’re going on vacations, you must ensure a sitter/boarding service to look after them for when you’re gone. A healthy cat, if well taken care of, can live well into its late teens, so be aware that you will have to provide these things long-term. Please do not take on the responsibility of a pet if you think you’re not ready to be in it for the long haul. Even though they’re a different species, they are very much family. If you wouldn’t treat a human member of the family in a certain manner, then you shouldn’t do it to the pet either. They’re defenseless creatures who are completely dependent on you for their survival and well-being, and you should take that responsibility very seriously.

Another thing about cats is that they’re generally not as physically demonstrative with their affection as dogs are. (Varies from cat to cat, depending on their individual personality.) The instagram cats constantly cuddling and doing cute shit with their owners are pretty much like everything else on insta: heavily curated moments just to show the pretty side. But cats do show their love in lots of other ways. They hang out with you/follow you around while you do stuff. They can be very playful and trained to play simple games (Chandler loves hide and seek! The cat my roomies and I had while I was doing my Masters could play fetch as well as any dog!) They can sense when you’re sad or sick, and come sit with you to comfort you. (When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, Chandler didn’t leave his side all day. He even knew which parts of the body were sensitive and was careful to never brush up there. It was a great comfort for my dad, even with all the pain he was in.) They’re very intelligent and curious creatures, and honestly, you don’t need a TV in the house when you can just spend hours watching them do their delightful cat things. (I love to watch Chandler groom himself, trying to reach ridiculous places like the back of his hind leg knee!)

Another good side is that they’re quite low maintenance animals, both physically and emotionally. They thrive indoors (live longer that way than outdoor cats!) and are chill about hanging out alone for a few hours with no issues. You don’t need to walk them or anything, they just need some mental stimulation and small cheap things around the house to keep them entertained/exercised. (Don’t bother buying expensive toys, they’ll always prefer batting around a paper ball/random length of string to the fancy toy.) So ideal pets if you’re a working person. Also, they’re generally very clean creatures, so you don’t have the usual dog type issues of them routinely getting into muck and all dirty and needing to bathe them often. Note: if it’s a longhaired breed, you will have to regularly brush them to get rid of the extra fluff so that you don’t have hairballs all around the place (including inside the cat, which they’ll periodically puke up!) In any case, be ready to have everything you own covered in fur! It’s just an unavoidable part of having a pet. But generally, they’re very easygoing chill little buddies who are more like silly, not-so-independent roommates, once they’ve reached adulthood (in about a year or so.)

I personally find having a cat really really wonderful. I can’t imagine life without one anymore. Not counting my mom, Chandler is literally the most important living being on this planet to me. When I’m outside the house, I can’t wait to get back to him (and he comes running with a loudddd greeting and gives me a 10 minute sniffdown to explore the smells of the outside world.) He actively helps with my depression/anxiety (on some hard work days, I used to drive 20 minutes to go home on my lunch breaks just to see him for 10 minutes and feel better.) He’s generally not a big one for petting/cuddles (just about tolerates it for like a minute before running away) but still sneaks into my bed every morning when I’m sleeping and winds himself around my feet and falls asleep there. I love irritating him for fun, and we play-fight every day like real siblings do, till my mom comes and breaks it up. (He swipes and bites, but is always mindful to do it in a way that won’t hurt me much. He has never ever injured me on purpose.) It’s really really really lovely to have the trust and love of a creature with no agendas or conditional expectations. So in short, YES I do recommend it: all the work and minor annoyances are really worth it. It’s lowkey like parenting, coz you raise this little thing and get to see it develop into its own personality, and have wonderful love and companionship for years. Very fulfilling and good for the heart. 

I hope you make a good, informed decision, anon; and that if you do get a kitty, have many many wonderful years with your furbaby!!!!!!!! (PLEASE SEND ME PICS!!!!!!!!!!)

PS - All the cats I’ve lived/hung out with longterm:

Chandler. My baby, actual love of my life.

Ria (short for SangRIA. My roommate liked drinking. A lot.) Aforementioned fetch player extraordinaire.

Pepper. Cat of coursemates. As an introvert, I wasn’t much for socializing, but I’d make myself get out on a weekly basis, just to hang out with this cat!

Nala (grey tabby) and Monkey (orange). I took a whole extra week of vacation time to stay with my friend (in pink) because she was a newish cat mom and needed a little help getting them settled in. Totallllllllllllllllllll cuddlebugs, who didn’t leave my side the whole time I was there!

[nobodysfool19]

I'm so tired. I'm sleepy-tired because I haven't been able to sleep properly in 5 years and I'm soul-tired. I'm tired of people's games and power trips and evasions and omissions. I'm tired of being scared and lonely. I'm tired of being stuck in the wrong place at the right time. I'm tired of my soul-sucking job and of being afraid to leave it. I'm tired of lies and liars. I'm tired of putting on a brave face and being on the defensive. I'm still exhausted from my abusive past and now I find myself in a situation where I'm walking on eggshells again. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of only getting crumbs and being an afterthought, while far less deserving assholes are given the very best and are loved the most. I'm tired of needing help, being too afraid to ask for it, then being ignored when I finally do ask. I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. I'm tired of still thinking in the back of my mind, that I was a horrible child and that it makes me a horrible bitch today. I'm tired of not getting straight answers to my questions. I'm tired of people's stupidity, narcissism, sociopathy, entitlement, demands, cruelty, indifference, and sarcasm. I hate how there's no magic in life anymore, nothing to look forward to. It's just a wasteland of working working working and paying bills. I don't know what to do. I don't have the money to go back to therapy nor are there many resources available to people who are broke. Like healthy food, good mental health is only for people with means. What I need is fun. I never have fun. I don't have the money or freedom to have fun. I need to get dressed up and go dancing. I also need gentleness and tenderness. I've barely ever been treated gently. Not even when I was a child were people gentle. Especially my family. They were great at harshness but lousy at being sweet. I need a break. I need proper sleep and money for decent groceries. I need to be hugged regularly. I need people to be upfront and honest but not be dicks about it. I need to be able to be open without worrying how my words and actions might be used against me. How wonderful it would be if we could all be open and completely honest without fear of being used or punished in some way. I want my abusers to fucking face some consequences for what they've done. I want that. They deserve to be punished and I deserve to watch. I'm tired of life continuing to reward them. I want to no longer be thrown away like garbage. I don't want to just survive, I want to flourish. I want to be loved and wanted and respected. I'm so very, very tired...

[ashleycrafty]

Journal to You-Intro

It's 2019!  I've been wanting to refresh my visions and goals for not only this year but for long term. I want something that I can look back at when I start to struggle with direction or purpose and something my husband and I can use as communication as we work together to strive for a healthy family life. These things take time and the work is daily practice, no quick fix, no finish line and no perfection. This is also a very personal journey that has no room for comparison or competition. Sometimes it’s a heavy load but it’s like doing the dishes, if we keep up with them, then the job is quicker and easier each time.

A few years ago, I completed yoga teacher training and worked through a lot of what was weighing me down emotionally . I knew that I needed to find joy and learn how to be more present in the moment but I didn’t realize that my past was following me around like a lost puppy- not a cute one. Before that experience, I had little to no relationship to my higher power (aka God) and had been holding on to way too much of my past. I was continuously punishing myself for things I felt I didn’t do “right” and letting that wreak havoc on my self worth and self confidence. We worked through the process of letting things go and more importantly forgiveness... ahhh I felt so much lighter and had the ability to experience a lot more joy. My life transformed because all of that stuff was out of my way and because I got out of my way. My relationships grew stronger and I was better able to meet challenges constructively instead of emotionally. I still and will most likely, always deal with fear, self worth, forgiveness, - the list goes on but I know that I can be more intentional and aware if I continue working on the principles. I know I have to confront my emotions head on instead of stuffing them, meditate and nurture my relationship with God and my relationships as a parent, wife , daughter, sister and friend. I have to surrender to the process and know when to leave things up to God in order to allow myself to be present, and be out of my own head. I know that this work is the most important work that I will ever do for myself, my family and everyone around me. The first step in showing up better for my family is to take care of myself. Taking care of my body sometimes seems easier because when I don't, the results are visible almost immediately. Taking care of my mind is also so very important but harder to realize in the short term. Diving into self inquiry so that I can process things from my past and be clear about what I want now and in the future allows me to be clear about what I stand for and how I show up for others. Self inquiry is how we get to know ourselves. Self inquiry allows you to actively let go of the past and any thoughts that may consume you and take you away from the present. This work creates a kinder, more compassionate, more clear minded individual and it’s contagious to the people you interact with. I  know that through this process, I will be able to be more intentional about my words,  my health, my finances and tons of other choices I have to make regularly. I have to be  healthy mentally before I can be healthy in any other areas of my life.

A few years have past since yoga teacher training and I’ve felt myself need to hit the refresh button on this work so I can let some stuff go...again! I’ve been researching coaching, workshops, books etcetera and what I've noticed is there’s no action taking place (action is a requirement of change) and that they all make it seem like the work is over when you finish the program. Nope, It’s just beginning! And you can be excited because self inquiry has the possibility of opening up breakthroughs in relationships with ourselves and others. Relationships are the backbone of community and while I know we can go through life on our own, I'd much rather do it with you! As humans, we strive for joy, love, belonging and connection so let’s show up for each other through this process. Sharing your experiences shows strength and vulnerability that will create a space for deep connection with others.

While I am not a therapist (or a writer for that matter), I have experienced what works. My goal is to organize the process in a way that’s straight to the point, cultivates self discoveries, and  creates a clear direction and purpose all while building relationships and community. So, I’m sharing it with you in a way that allows you to go at your own pace but in hopes that you will not do it alone. I’ve put together some soul searching questions for journaling. Put pen to paper, letting all of your thoughts organize and become tangible. Then, share what you’ve written with a close friend and hopefully they will share with you. You will get as much out of this process as what you’re willing to put into it.

Allow this to be fun and recognize that what you let go of, makes room for new possibility and an intentional future.

 Let’s open our eyes to how we’re all the same. We’re humans living life with a lot of the same struggles and triumphs and we can learn from each other and be empowered by each other. Be open, vulnerable and nonjudgmental. Acknowledge the strength that comes with sharing and be a listening ear without advice because this is a personal journey. Know that these questions can stir emotions and when it does, share what your going through. Ask for support. We are on this planet to support each other.

We will start on February 1st  In the meantime, find one friend to do this with you and find a journal to write in. 

Suggestions:

Allow yourself 6 weeks or less to finish this portion of the journal.

Go at your own pace with a little rigor and without procrastinating.

Keep yourself accountable.

Trust the process.

Take a day to rest.

Stay true to your word for yourself and others. Choose courage over comfort in order to experience growth.

Check in with your friend daily to touch on progress and for support.

Trust that your conversation is meant to be kept between you and anyone you chose to share with. Not to be discussed by anyone else.

Speak straight to each other. Use clear and simple language ,no fluff or sugar coating and you do not need to explain yourself or be understood by anyone.

Meditate for 5 minutes daily either in silence, choose a mantra or use the listening app( Insight timer or Headspace are two good ones).

Listen to your body. When your mind doesn't know the answer, your body does. Trust it.

When you lay down at night acknowledge yourself and list what your grateful for today. Sleep with positive thoughts. These shifts will change your perspective.

Let this be a priority. Meet in groups face to face weekly( choose the method that works for you)- share on one topic - no advice only experience. (This can be similar to a book club setting where you can also share what you’ve been consuming as far as books, podcasts, and other media )

Reevaluate your journal responses and your vision at your quarterly meeting as an opportunity to acknowledge your progress and fine tune your future goals and visions.

[all-gods-children]

(1/2) For the anon message thing - I've been following you a while and I know you have a health condition. I was wondering what has helped you deal with your health and if your physical conditions have also impacted your mental health? Do you ever get depressed and think "Why can't I be normal?" and feel upset at your circumstances? I'm sorry if this is a weird ask but my physical health has ruined my mental health.

(2/2) Everything went downhill after I was diagnosed with a physical health condition. I have severe trauma surrounding my surgery and sometimes regret having had it because it’s been a mess of pills and feeling mentally + physically like trash ever since then. I feel like trying to fix things ruined things more. If I had just died like I thought I was going to I wouldn’t have gone through the suffering I’ve been undergoing the past years. I don’t kill myself because I’m Christian but it’s hard. 

Hey there! This isn’t a weird question at all. I’m actually gonna get really real with you for a bit! Sorry if this ends up being a super long answer!

So being sick isn’t easy. That’s just a fact that’s part of my every day life. Quite frankly, being sick absolutely 200% sucks. Hands down. I wouldn’t wish a physical health problem on anyone in this world. But personally, I have an outlook on my heart condition that I’d like to share with you in the form of my testimony if that’s okay. 

When I was in middle school, that’s when it really hit me that I was sick and that I would have to have another heart surgery. And as soon as I realized that, I became very depressed. I couldn’t see a way out of it. I wanted rid of my body and everything that came with it. I wanted to be done with it all. I didn’t want to face what would inevitably come in my future. So throughout middle school and high school, I struggled severely with depression. I ended up cutting myself, and I got to the point where I just wanted to die. 

Then I got to my senior year of high school, and the call from my cardiologist came that I would have to have my second surgery during the summer between high school and college. Because of that and a few other things that were going on at the time, my best friend all but dragged me to church with him. I’d been out of church for a few years, and the few years before those I hadn’t really been going regularly. Long story short, God used that church (which is now my current home church) to break me down and enter me into His presence for the first time in my life. And no, that didn’t magically take the pain and fear away. That didn’t magically fix my heart and make the surgery pointless. But it strengthened me in the knowledge that the One who created me was by my side and would never forsake me. It strengthened me in knowing that God shared my pain and His heart was breaking along with my heart. It strengthened me to know that He cared and loved me even when I felt worthless and tired and hopeless and even when I wanted nothing more than to be done with life.

Fast forward over 2 years after my surgery, and I still have anxiety over my health problems. When the littlest thing feels wrong with my body, I freak out. I still have days where I want nothing more than to be normal and healthy. I still have days where I just want to hide my scar and run away from what has happened to me in the past. I still have days where I never want to go to the doctor again or take my meds again. I still have days where I ask God, “Why me?” which is the question I started asking in middle school.

But you know what God did during my senior year of high school on that night my best friend dragged me to church? He answered that question for me, as He continues to answer it to this day. You know what His answer was? “I want to use you.” It was as simple as that, and yet it moves me to tears even as I write this. 

I am currently a pre-med student, but my career path/plan is to become a pediatric cardiologist, the kind of doctor I’ve wanted to be since I was about 6 years old and I was able to understand that I was different from most kids. And in that moment God simply whispered into my heart a gentle reminder of what I wanted to do with my life. He reminded me that I want to do that with my life because that’s what He has placed on my heart. So if I want to go on to help those who are born with heart conditions like me, then who am I to question the single reason that makes me want to do that with my life? 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since that day that the news of my surgery came, it’s that God uses our pain and our testimonies for those around us. Sure, we grow from our pain and our trials, but God also wants us to use what we’ve learned to turn and help our neighbor as well. If I hold on to what I’ve learned through my trials and pain then what’s that doing to bring God glory? God used Jesus’s pain and sacrifice to shake the world to its foundations, and I plan to try to use mine to at least shake the world of my future patients.

Fun little side fact! When I was going through all the anxiety over my surgery, I often felt like God couldn’t possibly know/understand what I was going through. But did you know that the cause of Jesus’s death was most scientifically likely that his heart literally burst due to the increased physical demand on his heart and because plasma and fluid gathered around his heart which wouldn’t beat in the correct rhythm after so long on the cross. Here I was, thinking that God couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through, and here Jesus was, saving me from my sins while his heart was bursting. I’ve never been so humbled by any single piece of information in my entire life. 

Sure, that doesn’t make the pain and the anxiety and all the suffering go away. Like I said, I still have rough days. I still have days where I’d give anything just to be healthy. But for the most part, I now wear my scar with pride and dignity in knowing that God is going to use it to bring Him glory. So even on the roughest days, I can look at the cross and say, “I’m hurting Jesus, but you used your pain to bring healing to this world, and my only prayer is that you do the same with mine.”

I really hope this helped, and please know that I am always here to talk about this kind of stuff (and just about anything in general really)! I’d be more than happy to talk about being sick and the struggles of it and my Christian outlook on it. I will be praying for your peace through Jesus. Please come talk to me if you need anything at all! I will always be here!

Much love and many blessings,~Haley