#the nurse was very nice i liked her a lot haha

[machidielontheway]

got blood taken and didn't faint ✌

[yamujiburo]

Why I Love Hanamusa

I get this question very frequently but have never given a really in depth, definitive answer. All just kinda implied through my comics and spread out asks. So here's this I guess! Long post ahead:

First, as a Pokémon fan in her mid 20s, I love seeing a ship where the characters are both in their mid/late 20s. Already, they’re much more relatable to me and my current experiences. Most Pokémon ships are between preteens, which can be cute but ultimately don’t interest me as much as they used to when I was a kid myself. Not enough to get super invested in and draw a lot of fanart for anyways haha.

I’ll also start by saying that canon doesn’t always influence whether or not I’ll ship something. I’m much more drawn to potential. Could the characters work together? Do their personalities work together in a nice way? I feel like this so much of fanon is anyways. Especially with queer relationships because they’re rarely depicted in the first place. A lot of the context for these ships is usually up to the fans to piece together or make up in general. And that’s the fun part to me!

Jessie and Delia have only met in the anime a handful of times. Any interaction they’ve had has either been pleasant, or just a typical Team Rocket interaction, with Delia dismissing them/not seeing them as a threat. Already a great jumping off point for me since, truly, they don’t have any actual beef or true, ill feelings towards each other. It’s not TOO out of the realm of possibility for them to potentially fall for each other. “But Jessie chased Delia’s son around trying to steal his Pokémon!” That’s where that dismissive and aloof attitude that Delia has comes into play. I’ll go more into Delia’s whole deal a bit later but I do think this aspect of her personality is a large reason why this ship can work. It’s not that she doesn’t care that Jessie has a bad past, but she can tell that, on the inside, Jessie’s a good person. And, in a scenario where Jessie is trying to become a better person, is forgiving enough to give her a shot. I feel like this is such a solid foundation for a ship. A character who has done wrong but is trying to be better and another character who is willing to help them be better. A classic dynamic!

It’s not just one-sided though; where Jessie is the only one benefitting and learning from the relationship. I believe Delia could get a lot out of being with someone like Jessie. To understand why, I think it’s important to know these characters’ respective backstories.

Jessie is an orphan/foster child who grew up in poverty. Her mother Miyamoto (from The Birth of Mewtwo) was a Team Rocket operative herself, who went on a mission to find Mew. In order to do this, she had to leave Jessie when she was just a toddler. Unfortunately, Miyamoto went MIA on her mission leaving Jessie to more or less fend for herself. Jessie went through life with zero stability, evident by her MANY different careers and constant moving around. It’s implied in the show that she went from foster home to foster home, and later in life tried being an idol, weather girl, florist, wine connoisseur, actress, most notably a nurse and finally a Team Rocket field agent. And even while in Team Rocket, she, James and Meowth were always doing odd jobs to get by. We see that Jessie used to be a sweet kid, and even adult, but the world and her circumstances repeatedly did her dirty, leading her to become the character we know today. Hot tempered, mean, selfish, etc. But despite this, her soft side does still shine through for the people and Pokémon she cares about. She is incredibly loyal.

Delia, unbeknownst to a lot of fans, also had a rough past (see Pocket Monsters: The Animation). Like Jessie, she had a lot of dreams and aspirations like wanting to be a model and even a trainer. But when she was 10, her mother didn’t let her, telling her that she had to stay home and learn to run the family restaurant (she’s an only child). Delia’s father left her and her mother to be a trainer, and never returned. When she was 18, she married Ash’s father and became pregnant shortly after. But right after Ash was born, he also set off to be a Pokémon trainer. And soon after that, her mother passed away, leaving Delia with just the restaurant and baby Ash. This gives so much context to Delia’s attitude in the show. We see that Delia is pained whenever Ash leaves on a journey, but she never shows that pain to anyone. ESPECIALLY Ash. She’s very quick to shoo him off when he shows any sign of wanting to go on another journey and even when he returns home, she acts more excited to see Pikachu than him almost every time. Without all this backstory, it’s easy to just read this as a funny gag, BUT with context, I think it really shows how quickly Delia shuts down and detaches in order to not confront her own feelings. She’s afraid of losing people and getting hurt again.

All that said, I think Jessie and Delia provide each other with EXACTLY what the other needs. 

Aside from becoming rich and famous, Jessie’s biggest aspiration is to get married. In my opinion, this is more so an underlying want for love and stability. There is no one more stable in the show than Delia. Delia’s lived in Pallet her whole life, she’s worked at the same restaurant since she was young and she is always there when Ash comes back home. She has all the love, patience and stability Jessie needs and craves. While forgiving, Delia’s not stupid and can keep Jessie in check. Delia’s also just an angel, which I feel, would make Jessie want to be better. And on top of all this, on more of a surface level, Delia’s a chef and excellent cook. She shows love through cooking and Jessie, who grew up poor, regularly starving and eating snow, happily receives that love. Jessie’s able to live a happy and healthy life with someone like Delia.

Delia, as stated, is very stable. Likely pretty monotonous and solitary, especially living in such a small town like Pallet. This isn’t a bad thing but it’s a little sad when you consider that Delia also had dreams of traveling, being a model and a trainer. She had to give up so many dreams in order to fulfill her duties as a restaurant owner and mother. And even now, when Ash is off on his journey, she feels the need to always be home and be that stable pillar, leaving behind any ambitions she had, thinking it’s too late for her (she’s only 29 btw). But then along comes Jessie, dangerous, passionate, an absolute firecracker. Someone who’s whole life has been about chasing dreams and either, never giving up on them or finding a new dream to chase. Upon learning about Delia’s past aspirations, I could see Jessie pushing her towards them, letting her know that life’s too short and she has nothing to lose from trying. On top of this, Jessie’s also loyal. She, James and Meowth are depicted as doing anything for anyone who gives them food or shows them kindness. Delia does both so there’s no way Jessie would leave her. This fulfills an essential need for Delia, who is afraid of the people in her life leaving her.

There’s so much potential for mutual growth and learning between these two and I adore that. They compliment each other, they help each other and they bring out the best qualities in one another.

I’m not really sure how to end this and I could truly talk about them even more but I don’t want this to be tooooo long haha. OH I could end it with maybe the most funny aspect of this ship that I've brushed over and also what drew me to it in the first place. Jessie. As Ash’s stepmom. THE END.

[saerins]

PREV: #005 THE ICE SURRENDERS 𖧧 #006: COMFORT IN FAMILIARITY 𖧧 NEXT: #007 TWO STUBBORN ꒰ series masterlist ꒱

꒰ঌꨄ︎໒꒱ — there’s a lot going on in life. there’s a lot expected of you. both of you. sometimes love is all it takes. and sometimes, love is not enough.

content: itoshi sae x female reader. smut/fluff/angst. tw: making out, dry humping, oral (male receiving), profanity, they tiptoe around their awkwardness, lots of being needy, clingy, sae’s a little shameless & so are you. word count: 7.5k

༝༚༝༚ it’s finally here !! the next chapter haha to whoever’s still reading & waiting for this , thank you for still being here :’) i appreciate you more than you’ll ever know <3 also yay !! finally you’ll find out whether sae & bianca fucked :p (psa about taglist at the end of the chapter !!)

there’s something very foreign about waking up in peace. very foreign, but very welcome. 

sunlight filters nicely through the half-closed blinds of the guest room. the paint on the walls don’t chip, don’t leave anything for you to stare at, can’t wonder whether the paint job would come undone first before you.

the bed is soft. doesn’t have those annoying noises the springs make when you get up and stretch. the room is cold from the air conditioning, but the slight warmth of the sun that bounces on your skin is a nice contrast.

you feel light.

the events of last night leave much to your imagination. you have no idea if last night was too much, if asking for a kiss was too much.

but sae kissed you himself—it shouldn’t be, right?

you find you never quite know with him. you really should get out there and deal with it.

it’s 7am but something tells you sae should already be up. he’s a soccer player with a tendency to make the best of his days, there’s no way he’s not up and ready yet.

true to your guess, by the time you awkwardly peek into the living room, there’s a note waiting for you on the coffee table.

got a photoshoot till night, help yourself to anything in the house.

his penmanship leaves much to be desired, unlike the other parts of him. an indication of how little he actually writes.

sae could’ve just texted you this, but you guess even he’s feeling at a loss after last night.

which both of you think must be stupid; it’s just a kiss.

work is already settled for you. sumi offered to help you speak to mr tatsuji. the interview with sae early on really does work miracles. it’s so easy to curry favours now.

a three-day break from work because sumi thought you might need more time off so she conveniently told your boss that you’re nursing a fever.

where do you find friends like her at work nowadays?

you plop yourself down on sae’s leather couch, rife with the kind of comfort that’s alien to you. you definitely owe sumi one. sae, too. 

you’ll figure out ways to repay sumi soon. there has to be someone else on the team that you can convince for an interview under her name. you’re already calculating possibilities between oliver aiku and shuto sendou.

but as for sae, you find yourself drawing a blank.

what can you do for someone who already has everything? what kind of benefits can you extend?

you’re feeling even worse as the clock continues to tick, realising that you’d probably never be able to measure up to someone like him.

your feet carry you to the balcony before you know it, the chilly morning air hitting your face like the wake up call you need.

sae’s not really like anyone else you’ve known before. he’s a normal, sane-enough human—nearly the polar opposite of how eita is, though, so maybe that’s why your head’s devoid of ideas.

you groan, elbows perched on the wooden railing lining the edges of the balcony, palms pressed against your cheekbones as you desperately try to manifest an idea in your head.

he can lend you his shirt. he can extend a space in his house. he can give you that kiss he remembers you wanted.

but you can’t think of one measly idea of what to do for him in return.

you can think of one idea of how to get there, to get your answer, but you can’t shake the notion that it’s kind of stupid and kind of shameless. 

you juggle the degree to which each attribute bothers you and ultimately decide to just go ahead with it anyway.

“what is it, idiot?”

eita’s as friendly as always, on the other side of the line, voice a low rasp, obviously stirred from a deep sleep.

“can i ask you for your opinions?”

a sigh from the other line, as if he expects something completely stupid.

“yeah, sure.”

“and promise not to lecture me!”

eita pauses. you hear rustling on his end, probably getting up because he’s gotten curious and invested in the conversation now.

“depends, what the fuck did you do?”

he acts as if you’re the only one out of the two of you that does stupid, stupid things.

“nothing stupid, thank you very much.” (yet. possibly.) “but… do you have any idea what sae likes?”

it’s a long shot. a really long one. eita would probably have a better chance at guessing an AV star’s favourite dish. wouldn’t hurt to try, though.

eita makes a loud, confused noise. warranted.

you think.

“uh… i don’t know, bianca?”

a pause.

“i’m joking.”

it still hit your sore spot. the nagging reminder that there’s more to sae and bianca than meets the eye that just gets sprung back into the forefront of your temporal lobe.

“well, i’m serious!” you choose to ignore it.

another sigh from eita. you can practically envision him on his bed, duvet carelessly discarded to the side, scratching the back of his head.

“look, all i know is that he hates french fries and loves his routines, and oh, the only girl he’s ever admitted liking is momoko sakura.”

eita says it all in one breath and waits for your response like you’re supposed to appreciate it. the last one nearly made you vomit before you realise it’s a fucking tv show.

if you’re going to get help, you’re not going to get it from him.

“oh, he’s more of an ass guy than a boob guy, if you need to know.”

“what? eita!”

“i’m serious.”

you don’t really know whether you can trust him. even if you do, what the heck are you supposed to do with that information? jiggle your ass randomly in front of itoshi sae?

“thanks, eita.” you’re evidently bummed out. that doesn’t cancel out your actual gratitude that eita didn’t just hang up on you. you consider it a big enough surprise that he even tried.

“wait, why do you ask?”

his voice comes out all rushed, like he’s just now waking up and realising it’s not like you to ask him something like this out of the blue.

it’s probably not the greatest idea to tell him where you are and why you’re there, but you don’t actually like lying to your friends so you cough up the information without much persuasion.

“so what, are you guys a thing now?”

it’s fair of him to ask. you conveniently left out the kiss though, so maybe eita’s jumping the gun here.

“no, we’re just… getting to know each other.”

“uh huh.”

it sounds almost accusatory.

suddenly you don’t know what to say to the one you’re always talking around.

“well, if you need me, call me,” he says, more laconic than you’re used to. still, all things considered, you guess you can’t really blame him.

the discontent in his voice is apparent, the lack of intonation eating you up with guilt.

you retreat back into the living room, into the warm embrace of the single-seater, hoping that the softness of it would swallow the tornado in you up whole.

the rest of the morning is spent on your phone and laptop, between brainstorming ideas on what you can do for sae and replying to any of your colleagues who have no respect for the aspect of a time off.

after eventually deciding that nothing you think of can actually be good enough, you settle for just asking him straight.

yes, you’ll ask him later when he’s back and just be straight up with him about it. that way, you won’t waste your efforts on something vapid and sae would actually like it.

come afternoon, you dare yourself to fish out another shirt from his closet because you opened his fridge only to find absolutely nothing inside but a few bottles of salted kombucha. (which is absolutely not a qualifying substitute for lunch.)

it also won’t do for you to be wearing sae’s national jersey out to the supermarket and bringing more attention to yourself than necessary, so you tiptoe into his room even though he’s not there, in pursuit of a completely plain (or at least a more vague) t-shirt.

freely traversing his apartment like this makes you feel more than what you are, but you shake that thought away.

and there you were thinking eita was the one jumping the gun.

by the time the sun gives way to the moon and sae trudges his way back home—with a small spring in his steps that he can’t ignore—he walks into the apartment, reminding himself to say he’s home in the process.

it’s his first time coming back home to an apartment that’s not empty. it’s not something he thought he’d want to get used to. but knowing who’s on the other side of the door, he thinks it might be nice.

“hey, you’re back!”

there’s the usual uplifting lilt in your voice that he can’t ignore, can’t forget.

the sound of bounding footsteps that he can usually hear from the other apartments are infuriating but the ones that come from you makes his heart beat just a little bit quicker.

“hey,” he greets, the dull of his voice nearly being betrayed by the light in his eyes.

three seconds and you’re right in front of him, peering at him with inquisitive eyes. you do that cute head-tilt thing you always do when you have questions.

“what’s that?”

you point your finger in the direction of his neck, and he cranes his head toward the mirror hung on the corridor to see what you mean.

a big red lipstick stain on the side of his neck. or mauve, as the makeup artist calls it.

sae sighs to himself. so that’s what his assistant meant when she tried to call him back saying they’re not done with him yet.

“are you too eager to go home or something?”

that’s what she asked when he ignored them and left the set the moment everything was over.

“oh, uh, photoshoot.”

it’s always simple, his answers. what’s not simple are bianca’s natural reactions. he can just envision her face if she was in your position instead; the slight twitch in the corner of her lips, the pout that comes after to mask her disdain, the questioning to come.

that’s why it’s a built-in reaction for sae to elaborate.

“it was—”

“i see.”

you both speak at the same time. sae doesn’t know what to think.

the slight confusion on your face is represented by the raise of your brows, before it quickly gets replaced by a giggle, and then your fingers find the box of tissues and hand one to him.

“wanna wipe it off?” you ask. a simple question that makes him question a lot, actually.

only because he’s been conditioned to think all girls are a carbon copy of bianca behaviour-wise and you just happen to prove otherwise.

“oh! or did you want to wash up first?”

how long has he been standing there idly again?

sae just blinks as he stands in his doorway, stupid and dazed. he gets his bearings a few seconds later when you do that cute head-tilt thing in the other direction. he can’t stand seeing anymore of it or he’ll get an untimely reminder of how you tasted last night.

“yeah, i’ll go wash up, we can eat after.”

he still takes a piece of tissue without using it. he assumes you haven’t eaten dinner and only remembers he probably should ask first but he’s already closing his bedroom door behind him, his person of interest on the other side.

this idle state of confusion, of questioning his every move and every word; it’s not an experience he’s ever had before and he thinks it isn’t very pleasant.

on the field he never has doubts. always plan after plan, carefully crafted by the milliseconds. when something doesn’t work, he tries another. dribbles it past the troublesome one, pass it to one of his forwards. the one that can score.

it’s easy on the field.

easier than it is in front of you.

it still proves the same when he gets out of the showers, mind refreshed and vitality rejuvenated, only to come face to face with home-cooked dinner.

foreign, all alien, very welcome.

you’re rambling on about the three dishes you made and how you’re not sure if he’d like it. sae’s all in his head trying to think of excuses so that you can keep staying here.

for someone who’s spent most of his adulthood keeping people at arms’ length, your presence in his life now is half-exciting, half-concerning.

if he’s heard correctly from his assistant who nags him constantly about a possible budding love life at the height of his career, it’s how people get screwed over. how their plays get fucked up.

if she’s any reliable.

sae used to think he wouldn’t let anything come in the way of him and his career, because his career’s the only relationship he ever thought of having. until now. until you’re sitting on the side of the dining table that used to always be empty because he refuses to let anyone in.

until your smile paints the dull bland walls with colour for once and your food tastes unsettlingly like home. the kind of home he hasn’t visited in a while. the kind where it’s out of sight, out of mind that people don’t realise what they miss.

“how is it?”

you’re grimacing, like you’re expecting something bad. as if sae’s some sort of food critic. as if sae’s ever been anything but subjectively nicer to you.

“it’s not bad.”

really, he has nothing to compare it to. the last time he ever had home-cooked food was probably before he even started playing soccer. everything’s a blur when he tries to recall it, just the vague imagery of him and rin side by side with their legs dangling in the air of the high stools while their mother plates all the food he didn’t bother to memorise when he was, what, six?

he wonders if his brother remembers anything.

it’s enough strain on his mind that he’s finding this type of humdrum fascinating, when it’s with you. it doesn’t help that your hips brush when both of you wash the dishes together.

sae doesn’t really know what he’s doing and he only now realises that you went out earlier and got the groceries. he hasn’t thanked you yet, has he? should he?

everyday courtesy is lost on him.

it’s only after the dishes are washed and the countertops are wiped down that sae thinks maybe he should just express his gratitude.

“tha—”

“thank you, by the way.”

the both of you really need to stop saying shit at the same time.

you got it out first. sae’s such a loser. sae lets you continue.

“i know i’m imposing on you a lot, but…” your words get lost on you, and sae can sense the lack of explanation on your circumstances is a choice.

he wants to know you. there’s a stinging irritation in the back of his head knowing that otoya knows you better than he does.

it’s selfish. he knows. but sae’s always been selfish. in a sense.

“you can stay here as long as you need.”

it’s just sae’s pathetic attempt to ride on what you’re saying, to hopefully keep you here a little longer because somehow the walls don’t seem to suffocate when he comes back to you. the air seems clearer and the house becomes more like home, if he dares to say he knows anything of what that’s like.

he tries to gauge your reaction, trying not to crane his neck too far to the side to make it so obvious that he’s staring.

you’re comfortably perched on the couch, right next to him. there’s an annoyingly small gap in between you. he nearly misses the contact. your feet are on the cushion, hugged close to your chest, your eyes gazing at the little space of nothing between the air in front of you and his coffee table.

normally, he’d think that if someone extends an offer that they know you’d like, it’ll be taken without question. so he wonders why you still need to think.

his first guess is that you have a penchant need to not owe anyone anything.

his mind strays to how good you look in his other shirt. whenever you happened to take it. he’ll probably give you his entire closet if you ask for it.

half exciting, half concerning.

“thank you.” but you hesitate. you’re not looking at him yet. sae takes full advantage of that to look at you. at every smidge of movement in the muscles of your face. how your brows furrow half-heartedly, how your lips are pressed into a firm line.

he really wants to see your lips. want to taste them again. even if it means he has to go to bed and groan into the pillow instead of your mouth.

you give him what he wants when you start to speak again.

“is there anything i can do to repay you?”

there’s really no need.

sae shakes his head. “it’s fine, you don’t need to do anything.”

there’s a crease between your brow bones that beg to differ.

“no, really, i mean it. is there anything you need? anything you want me to do?”

there’s a really long, awkward pause as sae struggles to process your simple question. his adam’s apple bobs up and down. the walls and his glass windows start their suffocation game once more.

sae’s not sure you want him to tell you what he wants. he’s a visual thinker; and his mind isn’t anywhere but in the gutter.

between having a long day doing a photoshoot that doesn’t even interest him and having a female model as his partner when he keeps comparing her to you, sae can’t really keep it together after more than twenty years of keeping to himself.

he already has one of the couch pillows on his lap, just in case.

it’s already coming in handy thanks to what he’s thinking about.

sae shakes his head. “really, it’s fine.”

he’s half praying that you’ll just let it go so he can go back into the confines of his own room, feeling guilty that he’ll have to help himself to the thought of you but soothing his frustrations anyway.

the other half of him is praying for just you.

and that’s the part that’s alarming to him.

he nearly loses it when you shift, your elbow resting against the back of the couch, body turned to face him as if he hasn’t had a good enough look in his imagination that you have to bring it in real life.

yeah, he’s blaming you. because his brain’s short-circuiting and his synapses are failing him and he can’t seem to get his fucking eyes off of your lips.

he feels nearly shameless for staring at you point blank.

sae doesn’t know what expression you’re wearing now. he’s not sure he wants to know. are you offended or do you feel the same way you felt last night?

feelings can change like the season. or so he’s heard.

your voice is murmured; his thoughts are in the foreground. you say something along the lines of “what do you want, sae?” and he doesn’t have any of the carefully constructed self-control he’s had over the past few years.

so easily undone just by your mere presence.

“you.”

sae says that without thinking. it’s a chore, thinking. he keeps bouncing between shoulds and should-nots and it’s really fucking irritating.

“kiss me,” he tells you, more outright.

if you can tell him such a thing, you won’t punish him for saying the same, right?

here’s the spoiler: you don’t.

another spoiler: you feel like you’ve been waiting for him to tell you that all night.

barely a second into his request and you’re already fulfilling it. sae’s hand curves behind your neck, his calloused palm delicately placed on your skin. the other hand that’s free decides to pull you in, make it so you’re straddling him.

fuck, when did he get rid of the pillow?

your groan is enough indication that you feel him under you. the way he’s so stiff right now is nearly painful, only because the need it feels him with surpasses any sort of need he’s ever had.

both of you are half kisses and half pants. sae has no choice but to tip his head backwards as you roll your hips against his.

“shit,” he hisses, the hand on your neck crawling upwards to grab a fistful of your hair and tug it downwards. it doesn’t affect your hips in the least. why would it?

his other hand grips onto your waist, like he has to do that to make sure you stay there, make sure you keep moving against him. his eyes practically roll into his head, the sounds he’s so shamelessly making betraying any sort of stoic that he used to have in front of you.

a soft chuckle escapes you, and he pries his eyes open just to stare. the tilt of your face, the way your eyelashes brush against each other, that bite of your bottom lip—you’re a delicacy wrapped in his dreams.

“you’ve been thinking of this, huh?”

there’s a blush on his cheeks that he doesn’t let you see, releasing your hair and immediately letting his lips land on your neck. 

it feels nice to make you sound as undone, as needy as he is.

your chest pressed against him doesn’t do much to ease the tightening in his sweatpants. you still haven’t stopped rolling your hips.

right now it looks as if you’re the one with the better stamina.

his teeth latches onto your neck, head bowed, leaving a mark while you have to tell him to ease up a little on it. he’s learning.

he tries again.

better this time, from your lack of feedback.

“i hate what you do to me.” he sounds so stupid, so lost. it’s the vulnerability that’s annoying.

you try to catch your breath as he leans back against the backrest, both of you a bundle of nerves all out in the open. his hair’s mussed, but so is yours. sae’s still hard as fuck, a wet spot already formed on his regrettably light grey sweatpants.

maybe it’s your instinct that tells you to ask him your next question.

“have you ever done this before?”

you fail to clarify what this is, but if sae’s adept enough, you mean making out, and whatever else could happen after. humping. blowjobs. sex.

they’re all the same to sae either way.

“no, never.”

he’s still breathless.

you were halfway to catching your breath, but his admittal takes another pocket of air out of your lungs.

to sae, the silence that follows is painfully awkward. he’s good at guessing what players think on the field, but he’s an absolute goon at trying to guess what the girl he’s interested in is thinking when he just basically admitted he’s a virgin in all romantic aspects.

the only person that came close was bianca. and even then all they did was kiss.

this is the first time he’s ever wanted more.

“i don’t,” he pauses, his eyes momentarily fluttering shut as he thinks of ways to express this animal need to have you. “i don’t want you to repay me with anything.”

you settle your forehead on his, your fingers playing with the hem of his shirt. your breathing’s even. it helps him even his out too.

“but if you ask me what i want.” sae takes his time to shift his gaze towards you. your lips, your eyes. you’re so pretty it should be an insult to everyone else. “i want you to be my first.”

it sounds so fucking corny that a small part of him is shrivelling inside. it can’t believe he said something like that. he would’ve cringed if he heard it in movie theatres.

see how pathetic you make him feel?

“your first… what?”

he wants to chuckle. he knows you know. you’re probably being a little shit by asking him to admit it. but even so, he’ll give in to you.

because it feels right.

“everything.”

it could be that you don’t know what to say. it could be that you’re too eager. sae wouldn’t know.

but the way you kiss him next, the way you guide his hands under your shirt (it may as well be yours now), it knocks all wind out of his lungs, all the sense out of his brain.

for the first time, sae finds his hands on your bare chest. it makes a noise come out of him, one that’s equally greedy and needy. he gives it a squeeze, make sure you pay him one back.

your lips are on his lips but by now you’re barely kissing, more open panting and desperate hands pawing at each other.

he takes your nipple between his fingers, giving it a light pinch. your back arches, a sinful sight in front of him, one that he’ll probably have to use for a while if you’re not around.

how can one person have this much control over his desires? that’s a foul.

your hips resume their rolling just for a little bit only for them to stop when you pull back. your hand is on his chest, lips shiny from being subject to his mouth. sae already wants to touch you some more, both his hands relegated to his sides.

“i wanna suck you off.”

you say that so casually that sae’s doing the blushing for you.

if it’s even possible, he gets even harder, and you take the twitching you see as a yes.

you get on your knees in front of him, sat in the spot between his legs, knees folded against the cold floor. sae grabs your wrist before you can pull his pants down, committing himself entirely to the moment.

“take your shirt off first.”

yeah, that request—demand?—shouldn’t roll so easily off his tongue. yet here he is, letting it. the wet patch on his pants is shameful enough. what else does he have to lose?

he finds it near endearing that you don’t hesitate to pull his shirt off over your shoulder. sae’s eyes drag shamelessly over your breasts as he takes in the view. he nearly fails to stop himself from telling you to suck his dick already because it’s getting harder to ignore the wanton need it has for you.

nothing else has to be said.

you divest him of his sweatpants, his cock hitting his shirt as it springs free, near the spot around his bellybutton, the wet patch spreading on his old jersey. you’re looking at his cock, then looking at him, then back at his length—it makes him nervous.

the moment you wrap your fingers around the base of his shaft, he sucks in a sharp breath, head tilted towards the ceiling. it’s different than when he touches himself.

your fingers are smaller, more delicate than his. it feels good. feels even better when you give his tip a little kitten lick, and he’s almost sure you’re just experimenting now, just checking how he’s reacting to every single gesture.

sae’s doing everything in his goddamn power to keep it all together.

he can’t even look at you. that’s a sure fire way to end everything the moment he does.

a strained groan leaves the back of his throat as you pump his cock painfully slow. he doesn’t know if this is the norm. if it is, he hates it.

then comes what he’s been imagining: your tongue flat on his length, licking a stripe up his cock, your hand around it pumping a little bit quicker, still as gentle.

“shit, that feels good,” he finds himself admitting without much thought.

is he supposed to have any thoughts when you’re blowing him so impossibly good like this?

you don’t say much, and you can’t, not when your mouth slowly wraps around his cock and his tip starts hitting the back of your throat. your rhythm is steady at first, like it’s a tease, like it’s just a hell of an opening act.

sae’s hips start to buck upwards into your mouth, and you take it expertly. he dares himself to look at you when you start moaning around his cock, the sight of you so saccharine, so indulgent.

and then yep, there it is, the way his self control gets shredded into pieces, in the form of thick white ropes of cum in your mouth as he groans in resignation.

his eyes are still on you, this time he doesn’t want to look away anymore. he watches you as you swallow his cum, licking his tip just to watch him shudder in pleasure as he gets subjected to the slight over sensitivity.

your breasts still look beautiful. he still wants to play with them.

sae finds that maybe his courage got lost with his cum. it takes everything in him to pull you up onto the couch, this time back in your original position next to him. he kisses you, a blatant disregard for tasting himself on your tongue.

it catches you by surprise, he can tell. if the little squeal in your throat is any indication.

“i’m starting to feel like we’re in one of those landlord-tenant situations.” you’re probably joking. just like you always like to when there’s an awkward silence.

sae doesn’t really feel awkward though. so maybe this is something else.

“well, i mean, if that’s what you’re into.”

you playfully shove him away, rolling your eyes as you tug his shirt back on over yourself. a smirk finds its way onto your face.

“you’re still horny?” a rhetorical question. it’s only asked because sae’s still hard.

his walls are wider than it’s ever felt. than it’s ever been. than it’s ever allowed to be.

sae pulls his pants back on, eyes on you as you take mini steps towards his side of the apartment.

“what do you expect when that’s the best i’ve felt in my life?”

you stifle a laugh when even with his pants on, his tent is still so obvious.

you must be feeling a little bold, because you open up his bedroom door by yourself, giving him a look that he can only equate to come hither.

oddly, he doesn’t feel any sense of shame when his feet carry him to you. when his hands tug you into his room, when your feet tumble against one another’s and you end up on top of him on the bed.

he feels no shame letting you blow him again. he feels no shame letting you swallow all of him for the second time tonight.

there’s only a split second of bashfulness when he asks you to sleep with him. in the literal sense.

but you don’t see anything wrong with it. you don’t say anything. you don’t agree, you don’t reject. you only give a weak laugh as you lay beside him, his hair messed up to fuck and laying there questioning where all his stamina went.

you fall asleep within seconds, just laying there on your side of the bed.

sae takes one more chance at being shameless, wrapping his arm around your torso, letting himself fall asleep.

sae’s a winner.

he has a track record of all wins in all matches. he’s excellent at what he does. the calm and composed one. the one who has his shit together.

but right now he feels like a total loser.

sae brisks out of his bedroom, wondering if you treated him like a one night stand. even if he didn’t stick it inside you. even if he barely got a chance to help you.

jumping the gun, maybe, but he’s already thinking of ways to convince you that it doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to.

his brisk walk turns slow when he realises you’re just washing up in the guest toilet, an embarrassment hanging over his head at his slight overreaction.

when you waltz out of the bathroom, sae’s quick to act normal. can’t let you see any of his shortcomings just yet.

you spend yet another day at his apartment. this time, sae’s right there with you. doesn’t have to conform to any schedules, doesn’t have to wish the girl he’s spending time with is you.

because it is you.

turns out you also want to get to know him.

you open the windows and try meditating with him. the morning yoga comes right after.

“you really do this every morning?” you ask him while your body tries to adjust to the downward dog.

sae tries not to laugh.

“mhm.”

he runs slower than his usual speed later in the park. doesn’t want you to quit on him before you’ve even begun. you can only make it half his usual route and he acts like it’s normal, tells you you’re already very good.

sae squeezes in questions whenever he can.

slowly, at first. stuff pertaining to you and otoya’s friendship. stuff like university and middle school and how you slapped otoya he nearly quit being your friend.

you’re an open book when it comes to friendship.

you admit what you had with otoya was just physical, admit that you’ve never tried anything more, that it was a stupid phase and he’s really just a friend.

sometimes sae can’t help but wonder whether you’re trying to convince him or yourself.

he starts to ask about stuff you like when you’re preparing lunch together. he learns a little more about you the same time he’s learning how to chop vegetables right.

it’s harder than he thought.

both of it.

you used to like baking. you made some money with it. you love the smell of home cooked food and you’ve always wanted to try that bar you’ve heard about that serves killer sushi and is housed at the top of a skyscraper.

by the time sunset hits and the river that’s sold as part of his apartment’s view starts shimmering with the orange hue, he touches on the topic of your family.

that one, you’re not so keen about.

sae can tell from the drop of your smile and the light fading from your eyes. he tries to ignore it but he’s curious. aren’t they fundamentally who made you what you are?

he can’t help himself.

between the silences, all either of you can think about is what is this thing, between the two of you? but neither of you have the balls to ask.

the day is almost perfect.

sae doesn’t feel like he is who he always thought he was. he doesn’t feel like the revered soccer player that nearly everyone knows. he doesn’t feel like he has any larger-than-life obligations.

if this is what a normal day feels like between normal people, then he thinks maybe this is what he wants. the feel of you by his side, doing things together or even just existing.

there’s a calm you bring that he can’t find in anyone or anything else.

it’s different than the kind of serenity playing soccer gives him, but it makes him addicted all the same. his mind chants the same mantra the whole time—he wants you. just you. only you.

dinner’s ready and sae’s hungry. your stomach’s growling too, just as it was about half an hour ago. he’s placing the dishes on the dining table while you excuse yourself to check on your messages.

something about how your colleagues have no sense of personal space. something like that.

he expects to see you bounding out of the corridor as usual, a little hop in your footsteps. a hum to a tune he thinks you make up.

instead, what he gets is the heavy trudging of the heels of your feet, the same kind he gives oliver when he’s weary and groggy and just wants to go home instead of getting another drink.

sae’s a quick learner. he really is. he learned how to talk to you, learn more about you. he can learn how to tiptoe around subjects you don’t feel up for talking about.

but there’s this mulishly desperate part of him that aches to know more about you. especially when your expression shows a side of you he’s never seen.

he feels on edge. he feels out of the know. he feels like he has to know.

“hey, what’s wrong?”

your bag is looped around your shoulder, the frustration on your face eking into every part of your body. your movements are erratic, your arms swing by your side. it takes you too long to find your shoes in the genkan.

“nothing, i have to go.”

your voice quivers like you’re trying not to break. sae’s heart doesn’t know how to feel about that. his hand reaches out before he can consider alternatives. it wrestles to take hold of your wrist but you pull it away before he can get a firm grip.

“y/n, tell me.” he’s nearly pleading with you this time, his feet heavy in the entryway.

all he knows is that he doesn’t want you to go. doesn’t want you to feel however you’re feeling alone.

but he doesn’t know a thing about you when it comes to whatever this is. and where the walls expanded, they crash down all over him the same. you’re shutting him out, a punishment that he was pardoned off all along until this moment.

when you don’t say a word, just stand with your back facing him as you struggle to put your shoes on right, sae tries again.

his head doesn’t know when to tell him that enough’s enough. doesn’t know the little nooks and crannies of you that prefer to be left alone sometimes.

“oh my god, what do you want?”

this time, you turn around and face him, and he’s not quite sure how to process the fact that there are already tear streaks on the side of your face.

“tell me what’s going on, let me help you.” sae’s not sure either how he managed to say that without choking on his words. he’s a mix of fear and concern. like if he says a single thing wrong and you’ll slip away forever.

his words make your heart ache. they do. because you want to believe that. you want to believe he means it. but the excessively distrustful part of you, the one that remembers baring your heart out to your partner only to have it flipped around on you is the one that’s ruled your mind since the relationship ended.

protect yourself. even in the wrong ways. just leave them before they get to leave you. disappoint them before they get a chance to do that to you.

a scoff leaves your throat, more harsh than you intended it to be.

“help me? itoshi, you barely know me.”

your heart drops. you’re sure sae’s drops further. the words come out of you uncontrollably.

you’re sorry. very sorry.

“what can you help me with, huh?” the slight upturn on your lips is all sneer and vile and nothing nice.

sae only hears you out.

you wish he somehow hears the words you’re thinking instead of what you’re saying.

you’re sorry.

“listen, you’ve been very nice to me, thanks. i’m pretty sure there are lots of other girls out there more deserving than me, so really, i’m grateful that you wasted a couple of days on me.”

sae’s expression doesn’t change. a subtle mix of confusion and heartache and you want to kill yourself for being so stupid.

“but we’re nothing to each other, okay? we’re barely even friends! you don’t need to concern yourself about me.”

it’s like you can feel the effort that’s waiting to pour out of him. the kind that would threaten you to take a step back and pour your heart out instead of letting your sharp tongue loose.

you can’t risk that. you don’t think you can.

“the jig’s up. i tried making friends with you so i could get more scoop, okay? it’s easier for you to approve it if you like me. that’s all there is to it. so please, i’m begging you,” you pause, the words catching in your throat because you could never mean them. “please just leave me alone.”

that seems to do it.

the effort that was waiting to pour out feels like it stopped. sae doesn’t have any other words to say. he doesn’t waste his energy on stopping you as you leave the apartment, letting the heavy mahogany close behind you naturally.

you don’t look back.

sae doesn’t look away.

it’s foolish of you to think that an escape with sae could help. it puts things off. it doesn’t help. nothing does. you should’ve known better by now.

you rush out of his building, a haze of gormless mixed with desultory. you don’t notice anything or anyone else. not even the figure that stares at you in shock as you exit the lift.

these two days were the best days of your life.

now it’s time to wake up.

she’s both the reason and the bane of your existence. 

your mother desperately points towards you when you make your way towards your front door. she has absolutely no qualms about giving you up just so she can see another day.

there’s multiple men by your front door. big, burly men. a lean, muscular one stands in the middle, his hand holding a fistful of your mother’s hair.

it’s the first time you’ve seen them. you’ve lost track of how many loan sharks your mother knows.

it takes nearly half an hour and half a million yen to shut them up and get them on their way. not without the leader among them giving you a kiss on the cheek and a warning that you won’t get to save your mother so easily the next time.

pervertic. that’s what you think his thoughts are.

usually you’re magnanimous. you’d let your mother get a word or five in before you give up on listening. tonight, you’re not so.

she’s just ruined your perfectly constructed dream day with someone who seems so foolishly earnest you nearly feel bad for him having to associate with someone like you.

someone with problems like this.

you walk the same path. you lock your own door and slump onto your own bed. you can hear the annoying springs and the chip of the paint surrounds you. right now you’re coming undone faster than the paint.

it isn’t raining but you wish it is. maybe it’ll be easier to drown out the noise of you crying. right now you’ll have to settle for burying your head in your pillow, the only comfort of your earlier time spent with sae arrested in the confines of his shirt you wore home.

a call comes in and you forget to check who it is. you pick it up without much thought.

if it’s sae you’ll just hang up. he shouldn’t have to associate with someone like you. someone who’ll only bring him problems.

but it’s not sae.

“oi, idiot.”

you’d recognise the voice of your best friend anywhere, through any medium.

you don’t say anything. you can’t, really. not when both your nostrils are blocked and if you open your mouth you’d just make an insufferably pained noise.

eita doesn’t say anything for a while either. he only hears the slightly muffled sound of your sniffing. it takes him only a second to extend himself.

“spare key still under the vase?”

you let out a noise of acknowledgement. he’s your best friend. he knows how to tell apart your responses by noise. he should understand.

he does.

you hear the familiar sound of his kawasaki revving to life.

“wait for me, okay?”

you do. only because you can’t sleep and eita likes to speed. he’s good at riding his bike so you’re never worried. he makes it there faster than you think he ever did.

there’s no shrill nagging when he unlocks the door. your mother must either be asleep or she’s already off trying to make your life more of a living hell. either way, it’s good she’s not here.

fuck her.

when he comes through your door, his own set of keys for your room nestled safely in his keychain, he doesn’t say a word. he only takes his place behind you, wrapping his arms around your shoulder, resting his chin on your head as you involuntarily sob into his arms.

he doesn’t say a thing. doesn’t need to.

his arms are a comfort in itself.

it’s familiar. never foreign. never scary.

re: taglists — since it’s been a while, i’ll discontinue the old taglist & start a new one :) it’s cool if you don’t want to be tagged anymore ! if you still do, just let me know !! but please make sure you are 18+ and have your age somewhere obvious & visible on your blog <3

[milkteaarttime]

Latte Personality: A More In-Depth Analysis

I did say I wanted to retcon Latte a little more. I thought I could have done better explaining her personality type. Since she was lowkey still baking in my empty shell of a head when I initiated the first update. I would like to go into more detail and humanize her a little more and give a bit more in-depth of her personality (because I want to separate her more from me and into a character that only has my attributes but not an self-insert. Also to separate from my personality, an ENFP)

Please excuse any grammar and spelling issues. I'm half asleep lol

If I had to use the 16 personalities MBTI to describe her, I want to say she is The Consul aka ESFJ. Maybe her enneagram is 2 "The Helper".

Personality outline:  

Latte is naturally very social, she has great practical skills, knows what her place is, and is a very loyal person. She is a very trustworthy, warm, sensitive, and hard-working woman.

Growing up she was a popular child in the Chinese community in her area, worked hard at her family restaurant, sang and played piano, studied well at school, and was social/polite/pleasant in front of adults and kids alike (haha how traditional). She is responsible, never had a bad thing to say about her parents/life, never complained in front of others and leaned into the ideal version of a daughter her parents/culture believed she should be. She participated in local events and talent competitions with her singing/piano, and she won a few times. This elevated her “status” among the Chinese kids in their community. “Why can't you be more that girl… Latte?”  (Yes she's the kid your parents would compare you to.) But because she was legitimately warm, the other kids couldn’t be upset with her. 

Supportive and chatty, the type to make people feel reassured/welcomed. Her nature to care for others and establish harmony makes her easy to get along with. Her personality is like the nice popular girl in high school who knows a bit abt everyone if you will.

She is also very good at making connections with people. Her experiences working at a restaurant and building rapport with the regulars helped her with learning how to be a good nurse. 

She can make people around her feel at ease and diffuse/de-escalate any angry customers at her family restaurant and patients at her hospitals. Making her the preferred person to call to smooth disagreements. Even if she hates confrontation.

Bit of a traditionalist when it comes to dating/romantic life, and definitely wants to be chased. She believes the man pays for the date/dinner, gets her parent’s approval before marriage (had they been alive), dislikes talking to multiple people and having “options” since it seems dishonest to her and she is very loyal. Never flings and situation-ships. However, in return for wanting a bit of princess treatment, she will go above and beyond to make her partner happy. 

Some drawbacks: 

Due to her upbringing in a traditional Chinese immigrant family as the eldest daughter. She tends to want to maintain appearances/faces. This is a huge part of Chinese culture, "do not embarrass the family". Think Mulan and the “bring-honour-to-her-family” type. She is often worried about their family’s appearance and their standing in the community. Especially stressed about how her actions affect her family and social image. the worst she had done was a mild emo phase that she hid well from everyone, only Viktor knows about it.

She can sometimes be seen as inflexible. She is fixated on keeping the status quo, not rocking the boat/keep the peace. A big example is Viktor being less conventional so she keeps attempting to change him and often mothers or nags at him.

Sensitive towards criticism, as the eldest daughter, she grew up with a lot more “suggestive feedback” than her brother or any other child would, this causes her to become a perfectionist and sometimes defensive of herself and her actions. She is deathly afraid of losing the place/reputation she fought tooth and nail to get. Seeks approval from people “higher up” on the social/relational hierarchy than her. Can get a bit needy when she thinks she is not being seen.

Can be too selfless and neglect her own needs, courtesy of the “Be considerate to others” lesson her mother drilled into her. She often lets her parent’s teachings and her traditional upbringing dictate her choices even if it is not 100% beneficial to her (foreshadowing lol)

Gets upset/stressed when others step out of bounds, disrupts order, or when things are out of her grasp and understanding. Again, she is too afraid of the drawback to being “different” and the idea of losing the “place” and “role” she worked so hard to establish. 

(Thank you for reading this far!! I did some research and a lot of soul-searching to craft Latte. I used my own experiences with my culture and expectations to make her a more realistic character. But her backstory is still largely creative and not real lol.)

(Latte is the kid my Chinese parents would compare me to. No joke XD)

[viatagrinner]

The mean stag nurses for the first time.

MC was suddenly ill. She didn't want anyone to notice. Especially Keith, but he quickly realized something was wrong with her.

He brought a honey and lemon-flavored medicine. Before he gave the drink to the girl, he tasted it himself. Realizing it wasn't too hot for her, the prince gave the medicine to the heroine.

MC: Haha, Keith, I'm not a kid, am I?

Keith: You're not happy? Then...

The prince kissed her.

Keith: Look, if you want to be more like a lover, then open your mouth.

MC: Well, that's enough...

Keith: Sorry. If you want, feel free to tell me, okay?

MC is embarrassed and to hide it she drinks medicine. It turned out to be very tasty and quickly warmed the girl up.

Keith brought blankets. Lots of blankets. The heroine is shocked.

Keith: That's not a problem, is it?

Tower of blankets tells her how much Keith cares about her.

That's nice, but something was bothering the girl.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Flashback:

Back in the morning, she was pretty much fine. Her stomach hurt a little, and her body was kind of sluggish.

But MC decided not to dwell on it, if she focused on something, it would go away.

The girl goes to class. From around the corner the prince appeared. She knew at once that it was Mean Keith.

For some reason Keith froze when he saw his lover, and then rushed toward her with a serious expression on his face. *sounds of running*

Then he lifted MC'c face up impassively.

Keith: You don't feel well.

(! He noticed it at first sight!)

The girl admits that although she has no fever, she is not feeling well.

Keith: I'll tell you something good.

Prince says her behavior is similar to that of his other personality.

Keith: The "little" that you and the other Keith ro have in common is not a little.

Naturally, now MC doesn't go to class.

Hugging the heroine, he walked her to the room.

At first the heroine thought it was an exaggeration, but she felt sick again.

The prince picked up the cup of medicine.

Keith: Lie down and sleep.

She settles down on the bed, the prince supporting her behind his big, clumsy hands.

He covered her with lots of blankets.

(I'm glad you care about me, but I still think it's too much.)

Keith looks as usual, but there is sadness lurking in his eyes. He stroked her hair, encouraging her.

MC: I feel like Keith isn't feeling very well.

Keith: I don't want MC, who isn't feeling well, to say that.

Keith: Are you worried about me?

MC: Yes

Keith: Then you will take care of me.

Keith was not confused, took off his cloak and crawled under the blanket. The large hand rested on the heroine's belly.

The warmth and woody scent of the dense forest enveloped her body.

Keith declares that this way the girl will be warmer.

MC replies that she likes his big hands.

The pain goes away...

That's the warmth MC wanted.

However...

MC: But in this case, I am the one being nursed.

Keith: That's all right. The sooner you get back to normal, the better.

The girl feels Keith's fluffy hair on the back of her neck.

Worrying about the guy/fellow you love is a hassle, Keith thinks.

Keith: At such times, words of comfort become less plausible.

Keith: .........It's messy and awkward.

Keith's voice sounds confused. This may be the first time the sneaky Keith has ever nursed anyone.

("I have to get well" is the "medicine" I need to take care of Keith.)

MC put her palm on Keith's hand.

She thanks him for his concern and asks him not to worry too much.

Keith: I'll half expect it.

MC: Expect at least 70%!

Keith: You say "in a flash", you don't mean 100%!

MC: That's what I just said, you can count on me 100%.

Keith: I don't accept rephrasing.

The prince kissed her.

A gentle, therapeutic touch made her body heat up.

MC: Ah...

MC: Was it painful?

MC: It's okay. But why?

Keith: If it's okay, then one more time...

MC: Ah...Nn.

Keith: I think it's more effective for keeping the body warm.

MC is awkward, but Keith doesn't quite get it, they didn't just kiss.

She apologizes, but mean Keith laughs, it reminds him of the other Keith.

The smile of a loved one works better than any medicine.

━━━━━━━༻❀✿❀༺━━━━━━━

Soon MC falls asleep.

Keith: In the blink of an eye, you find yourself in a dream. You seem like a child.

Keith strokes her head.

He intertwines his fingers with the hand that is a size or two smaller than the one peeking out from under the blanket.

Keith: MC..... Get well soon, okay?

After a little desire, Keith embraced MC awkwardly.

[redrumrose]

For the wholesome ask meme!

1 for Dima and his brothers

4 for Anara

14 for Chayne

20 for Sunny

And 42 for Em!

1. (For Dima and his brothers) What is their go-to comfort food?

Dima's comfort food is actually blini/crepes with a sweet filling, he also LOVES milkshakes!

Danila loves any kind of dumplings x3

Pyotr likes bbq (or more so he just likes to cook it… FIRE)

Pavel just likes tea (in his favorite cup and saucer is a bonus haha)

4. (For Anara) What is the thing they like the most about their friends and what is the thing their friends like the most about them?

So the only true friend Ana has at the hospital is probably Natalya (the head nurse) ^^; Ana likes Natalya because… I guess the best way I could describe it is, she's like an overly caring and nice aunt xD She's always inviting Anara over to her place for lunch or to gossip about things. She also helps Anara out a lot around the hospital (especially when she was brand new).

Natalya loves Ana because of her charm. She loves how kind, optimistic, and talkative she is (with her and everyone she meets in the hospital). And also how she's not afraid to break Pavel's rules xD

Aaand Pavel… I wouldn't really call them friends, but it's very much a teacher whose proud of their student kind of thing. Anara appreciates his honesty and no bs/blunt approach to stuff (though she does admit he can be too strict/harsh sometimes).

And Pavel appreciates that Anara is open to learning and trying anything, and her determination. Even if she fails at something, she'll bounce back and try again 10 fold. He sees great potential in her in the world of mad medicine.

14. (For Chayne) Quickly, let them give us some life advice!

(oh Chayne pffft)

20. (For Sunny) What is their hidden talent? Is that a skill they’ve been practicing since childhood or just something they happen to know and never had the chance to show? Was it something forced upon them, taught by someone close, or they picked it up themselves?

Singing was his hidden talent for a bit. He only really sung in groups/or with his mom growing up. But once he was in college and needed some extra funds (so did Chayne), they started singing/busking on the side. Sunny also can play ALOT of different instruments! Most were self taught, other times people in the hippie commune taught him, or his dad.

42. (For Em) Let them vent for a second, without the fear of being judged. What would they like to say?

Eeeey, ya'll get a small sneak peak of what I've been cookin haha xD

(some WIP sketch panels ^^)

[isabelguerra]

boys im gonna be honest i’m deep in my ‘i am never going to post wizard au’ era again both because of The Elephant In The Room and also its so much god damn work. its so much work. im not gonna do that in my free time. so since i know there were people invested in the fic series and worldlore or whatever why dont we just talk about it instead. its got wizards. its got izjo. you wanna hear about the 6 year long wizard izjo slowburn? i can talk for ages about the 6 year long wizard izjo slowburn.

eightfold is a giant spider isabel sneaks into the library when theyre first years but by second year shes gotten too big to keep hiding. isabel tries sneaking out to help her escape but johnny catches her in the act so he gets roped in and it turns into a whole heist sneaks to get eightfold out of the wizard castle unnoticed without getting caught. at midnight. saying bye is bittersweet but on the walk back they start bickering as usual and they hate each other so much but oops oh no wait this is fun. they’re having fun actually. haha get back here. and they get back 2 dorms safe and giggling and shoving each other and its nice and isabel opens up a little bit and says thanks for being there that was super annoying but cough uh. ended up being really nice and shes glad he was there. it was nice not being alone while saying bye to her best friend. so she GUESSES maybe he isnt SO bad or whatever. and then puts the bravado back on and is grinning wide and laughing again and haha oh man did he see that ghost in the corridor with the- but johnny is NOT listening. he is still stuck on ‘i had a nice time being around you’ (<- he is unused to positive reinforcement. he is accustomed to the norm of ‘(i think) people (my friends) like me because im good at exerting myself over others in a way that makes them feel bad but makes us feel good’ and not ‘i enjoyed being around you just for you’) and is not taking it well. also very jarred and offput by the new side of his wizard sport partner, very thrown off kilter. thrown off his groove. they NEVER have good times together. like they dont have BAD times but this has never been like A Thing before but she just said it so now it IS and. okay. maybe he had fun. maybe he DID have fun. and maybe shes good to push against cause she pushes back and maybe he can admire or at least respect the tenacity it takes to do that with him. and maybe it feels cool when that look get in her eye and he knows hes in for a good duel or like shes not looking like that now but this is fine too yknow. like the warm smiling and goofy laughing and dorm fireplace lighting and the tired soft look hes never seen her with before is fine no biggie he doesnt mind. but yes he does hes freaked out. so he bolts and thinks ‘surely that isn’t something i gotta worry about’ and then worries about for the next 6 years

isabel has a tendency to keep even her closest friends a little at bay but unfortunately thats very hard to do when you share a wizard commonroom with a loudmouthed fire hazard who is also your wizard sport partner. so they end up spending a lot of time together thanks to proximity. proximity after about 3 years turns to tentative friendship. tentative friendship after 4 years turns to ‘at the point of late night study sessions draped across each other on the couch because we have shit to do and im not letting you fail because if you do you wont be able to play in the next match and if we lose cause of it im kicking your ass’ (<- ‘i like hanging out with you’). the others come over often but theres only so much time you can spend with someone who is not in your wizard school group versus someone who is and is around you 24/7. so theyre not bffs yes but they might as well be. so one day theyre learning about some idk wizard beast and oops forgot to bow or whatever, johnny gets owned and so ollie&isabel take him 2 the nurse. the catalyst here is isabel knows by now that this is someone she cares about and considers a friend but shes REALLY caught off guard at just how MUCH this is stressing her out. not wizard game related. not in a bickery play way. she doesnt know when she started caring so much, but now she IS and hes someone important to her. and hes hurt. and shes going to stay in this god damn infirmary pacing and foot tapping and doing jumping jacks to get out the energy while her brain goes 100000 miles per second. and she does that for about 4 hours. anyway johnnys fine but even after hes fine isabel is still stuck with the ‘why was That my reaction’ realization. and the answer is she li

6th year max gets his ass thrown in the trio sorcerer championship and literally all his suffering is secondary because this is an izjo au. both their feelings are still there both of them still have no idea what to do with them or how to get them out in normal ass ways. so first night back to school johnny dares everyone to sneak into the woods after curfew and see who lasts longer. hes not 12 anymore but he is 16 which arguably is worse. the bullying has lessened the scoundrelism has amplified. everyone gets terrified. scatters. haha oh its you (record scratch) guess we’re walking around the spooky woods trying to find our friends! gee the atmosphere and flustered skittishness i get around you that makes me uncomfortable because i dont know how to deal with it SURE IS amplified right now! better fall back on familiar tactics and scenarios: friendly frustrated bickering and mild threats of violence. they get in a verbal fight and have a ‘would you shut up’ ‘why dont you make me’ ‘And Then They Kiss’ moment while the emotions are super heightened and isabel, who initiated it, isabel kissed him first, then proceeds to realize what she did and loses her god damn mind freaking out and apologizing while johnny stands there totally frozen and maybe for the first time ever shocked into total speechlessness. and then max falls out of a tree and ollie finds them and ed and rj are with them and sos stephen so theyre like HAHA OKAY GANG ! GREAT DARE ! LETS HEAD BACK NOW ! and johnny lays awake in bed that night kicking his feet in the air

wizard prom in december. they dont go together because theyre idiots and not at that point where asking someone (each other) to wizard prom is something they can do. but they both break away from the crowd at similar times and end up hanging out most of the night, which jsabel gets in trouble with her grandpa for, but before then she has a lot more fun. they ditch the wizard prom hall and go romp around campus and the sports pitch and they Dont Talk About What Happened In September. they dont. its unspoken. if you bring it back up that means its real. oh hey wait hold on whats that. what is that. is that- oh damn its that one plant. with the- yeah its the winter holiday kiss tradition plant. where like if its over you you gotta kiss. yeah like on the mouth. wow that’s crazy. ahahahah damn well yknow it IS the rules so they should probably- cause yknow like, so they, yknow, yeah. yeah like with lips and stuff. man thats sooooo lame and sucky too bad the plant rules say we gotta :/ shoot that sure blows :/ crazy how this world works. cringe. anyway so about that ki- and then max walks in .2 seconds beforehand and ruins the moment and its funny because i like torturing him. max tells ksabel Hey Uh We Gotta Do The Closing Dance Okay Bye. spells broken though and she leaves they do not kiss. but theyre both left with the knowledge that the other person WANTED to enough that they were willing to exploit a cliche social tradition just to find an excuse for it.

im so tired i keep fading jn and out of consciousness writing this. isabels wizard fear monster (franciso) fucks her up pretty badly. she runs out of the classroom back to the wizard dorms, youll never believe who goes after to check on her. T 60k+ slowburn, hurt/comfort, fluff, pep talks, Decisions Made Under High Emotions (second kiss) (johnny initiated kiss) (isabel is getting kissed this time) (hes standing right behind me isnt he) max walks in on them again. isabel is bluescreening. johny promptly leaves. max her best friend max is like ‘i would like to stop always seeing you guys about to lip lock’ isabel wants to be swallowed by the ground. i cant finish this im so tired. look at my comprehensive au romcom plotlines boy

[theshippingcorner]

ik valentines day is over but for dbd killers of your choice, how do you think they'd celebrate with their s/o ? like s/o in an almost y/n way

Ohh very cute! Sorry I missed Valentines day but I was celebrating with my own s/o lol

Going to say "you" a lot since you said y/n ♡

The Wraith feels like the type to give the person he loves flowers and chocolates, a very traditional sort of affection. I think he would be far too anxious to say I love you unless it was said to him first haha

I think Nurse would be the type to cook you Dinner for Valentines day

Huntress might just present you with a deer carcass though so maybe lay out a tarp or something in the livingroom

I think Spirit would forget that it's Valentines day or not realize until you tell her and then she would do something nice for you lol, though all things considered she probably wouldn't celebrate it unless you wanted her to or she knew it meant something special to you

Oddly enough I think Skull merchant would be a romantic, the kind of killer that's mean to everyone else but would kill for the people she loves. Maybe you'll end up with your exes head on a stick, maybe you'll get a big bouquet of flowers. We'll see.

I think the artist would try to make you something, maybe a painting or sculpture of some kind. The best gifts are always the personal ones!

[ziracona]

I love that phrasing how Julie has taken Sallie- A much older woman than her- under her wing. Kinda precious not gonna lie. Did they ever see much of Sally when she was the Nurse? Also what does Sally think of Julie? Also the moment in ur fic when Kate comforts Sally was very sweet, which makes me wonder do they have much of a relationship too? How was Sally's adjustment to the 21st century, especially in regards to her fear about her mental health? What was it you diagnosed Sally as?

Yeah haha that’s just how she is. Julie sees life more in power dynamics than tradition to age.

They saw her some. She was one that they tried to copy skills from. They never talked to her though. Sally likes Julie. Sally likes anyone who is nice to her, and she has no reason to dislike her. She thinks she’s odd, but she’s had a lot of odd friends by now. She likes to talk to Julie about realm stuff, because Julie won’t be uncomfortable, and sometimes can guess at killer things better than the survivors. Julie is also very feminine, if in a femme fatale way, and Sally is too, so they enjoy having someone to like, dress shop and go to a salon with.

Kate and Sally are definitely friends. She reads to Sally a lot, and takes her to do outdoorsy stuff, even horseback riding. Care of Sally initially fell to Kate amid the chaos, since everyone else was indisposed, almost dead, or with another priority. That never faded. And Sally thinks Kate is a very charming rural woman with great sense and a good voice. They have plenty of fun.

Sally adjusted pretty well. It in a way helped she was blind, because she never had a like ‘captain America times square’ moment to be forced to see. Things were more gradual, and introduced almost always in a very positive and friendly environment. There’s a lot like video games and cellphones and the internet that she finds very mind boggling and has some difficulty adapting to, but mostly she handles it very well. Having Benedict, from even longer ago, helps her a lot. I think she feels a lot less lost and alone when he asks her to help explain something she’s grasped quicker, as a 19teens woman, than him as an 1860s man.

Her fear about her mental health was strong for the first year, but eased after. She knows the people with legal custody (as gross as that is to say about a grown adult, it is sadly legally /still/ how this country treats the disabled) over her are trusted and going to keep her free, comfortable, cared for, and with them. So proof beats out worry eventually. She’s still anxious around strangers, about her seeming crazy, or out of time, or just being blind, but the others never make her go alone anywhere, so she’s usually protected by a mob of her people.

Diagnostically, I’m not sure there’s a clear cut answer. Hallucinations, paranoia, confusion, dissociative amnesia, etc, are all caused by essentially supernatural mind control and years and years of gaslighting and manipulation and being driven insane. She’s a psychotic, but more specific definitions, though might apply, I’m not sure what they’d be. There’s a lot she deals with, but some is from the Entity’s manipulations, some is the result of physical trauma, as some is the result of PTSD from the things she’s endured, both at it’s hands, and losing her kids. Diagnosis are really just the names for frequently occurring symptom clusters, because grouping makes them often easier to predict and treat. I’d just say in Sally’s case, I haven’t found one (or more) especially useful names for her symptom clusters.

[reyesbignaturals]

Wrote my first fic in a HOT minute with an OC I made specifically for the COD-verse and I love her very much and would love to talk about her much more in detail than is revealed about her in this blurb but here is some writing, I tried my best!

It's a Velikan fic that I'm gonna work on slowly that is intended to be incredibly slow-burn with a lot of hurt/comfort elements. I don't have a lot of free time in my personal life, so I have been just kind of writing as I can and it's been a nice stress relief to add pictures to my Pinterest board cause I've got this story in my head but I don't always have time to write all the stuff down!

But I tried to get some of the story, and character set up done here so idk let me know what to fix, I would like to get better at writing but also this is mostly for fun haha

Fluorescent lights buzzed inside the ceiling beams of the room, joining the sounds of wheels that squealed against the laminate floor and the occasional intercoms that would page a doctor in the infirmary.

The Shadow Company had come back from an operation gone bad with many operatives covered in blood, with some even missing extremities when they'd finally been airlifted back to the base's hospital. Fortunately, there had been no casualties under the medical wing's care so far, and the staff intended to keep it that way.

“Hey, Doc, your next patient is ready to see you over in Room 2,” a nurse, Adrian, called over from the nurse's station, looking over at the doctor in question with a strange look as she exited the previous patient's room.

The doctor gave a tired smile to Adrian and nodded her thanks to the blonde, too exhausted to question her staff's weird expression. She could just be seeing things, having been on her feet for the last 14 hours, trying to keep blood on the inside of people's bodies rather than outside of it.

She readjusted her reading glasses to sit atop her head as she moved over to Room 2, grabbing the chart that had been placed on the wall next to its door. Skimming over its contents, she was relieved to see that her day seemed to have come over its peak and was finally coming down to a more manageable pace; this man was being seen for a follow-up on some stitches he had received some weeks ago.

Something unique in this man's file caught her attention, though; the diagnosis of selective mutism with no other context was listed in medical history. She was curious how he managed to pass selection into the military in general, let alone get into a PMC, but she wasn't paid enough to ask questions such as that. It was going to be more important for her to find out how she was going to communicate with him about his healing status and any questions he may have.

Alexander Manos (operator name: Velikan), the file read.

With two knocks on the metal door, she announced her arrival and opened the door with one hand, the other still holding onto the clipboard as she entered the room.

“Alexander?” She prompted, looking up at what she could only describe as a giant heap of muscle and terrifying armor, trying not to make her initial shock obvious by her facial expression. The man had just come back from a deployment if she was to judge from the faint odor of gunpowder, man stink, and blood alone. His layers upon layers of tactical armor pads made his shoulders appear impossibly wide, and his mask gave the impression of a fearsome red tiger with its painted sabers outreached and ready to bite at any given opportunity.

There was a moment of silence where the two simply stared at each other before Alexander nodded hesitantly in acknowledgment to her question. The fact Kaja was unable to see his face made her uncomfortable given she wanted to be able to interpret his expressions at least if she wasn't able to hear him speak, but she wasn't about to argue with 250+ pounds of pure muscle over it.

“My name is Dr.Magnusson, I'm the new doctor here at Shadow Company. They've put you under my care after Dr.Fort was stationed elsewhere,” Kaja began awkwardly. Having done several dozen introductions over the last week had not made her any better at them.  Truthfully, she wished that she could just skip past them altogether.

Alexander made no indication that he was going to respond to her introduction, so Kaja continued without missing a beat, “It looks like you're being seen today to have your stitches in your arm checked on?”

He made no indication that he had heard anything she'd said, simply looking straight ahead at her. Or, she had to assume he was looking at her, since his mask was still on. If she didn't know better, Kaja would think he was ignoring her deliberately. 

“Are you being seen for your stitches today?” Kaja repeated, enunciating her words a little clearer, curious if she had mumbled them earlier by any chance.

Alexander simply shifted in the hospital chair, moving his head up to look at the ceiling for a moment as he let out an audible sigh of clear annoyance.

"Not deaf," he finally grunted out in a raspy, baritone voice.

“Sorry,” Kaja was taken aback that she had received a verbal response from him at all, “I just want to know the best way I can talk with you. Would a pen and paper help? Would you like to type it on your phone?” 

She was trying to think of solutions the best she could on the fly, knowing she still had other patients waiting to see her as well. Alexander’s head perked a bit once he heard her listing the options that she had listed, but he settled back into his chair quickly, crossing his arms.

A moment of silence fell between them before she continued, “I'll need to see your arm and make sure it's healing properly.”

She moved closer to him at a balanced pace, watching as his covered face came back down from eyeing the ceiling to stare at her again.

“Alexander, I want to help you. Can you help me do that?” Kaja asked softly, reaching her hand out to touch his arm where his stitches were.

He leaned away from her, angling his body off of the bed as if she had some contagious disease. He pulled the arm she was reaching for out of her range and straightened his posture in a clear attempt to intimidate her with his stature alone. 

Now, she was starting to lose her patience. She gripped the pen tightly to her clipboard in an attempt to calm herself down as she took another step towards Alexander and lowered her voice, so no wandering passerby could overhear.

“Hey, I know maybe this situation is hard for you for your reasons, but you are putting me in a really difficult position at the moment for other reasons. If you don't want to be here, I'm not going to make you stay. But it is my job as your doctor to try to help you, and I have seen too many people almost die today from infections. So, if your name comes across my operating table, and it's from your arm wound getting infected, do you know how tempted I'm going to be to just amputate it?”

Was it a professional way to talk to her patient? Not in any capacity, and she definitely would have been fired if anyone had heard about it. Did it seem to resonate with her patient? Enough for him to start removing his gear slowly to display his healing scar.

First, came his helmet. When she saw his face, she almost regretted threatening him with amputation. She had seen he was a few years her senior from his records, but his face certainly reflected it. Loose black waves swept back from his face and greased down from his helmet in an almost mullet-like fashion. He had a haircut she was almost certain would be considered out of regulation, but that wasn't something she was going to fuss over at the moment when he was finally complying with her wishes.

Next, she noticed the years of exhaustion in his eyes that manifested as dark purple circles beneath his dark brown eyes, like freshly watered graveyard dirt, cold and secretive. His expression didn't seem to waver from a neutral stare, despite her attempt to placate him with another gentle smile as thanks.

The silence continued while he continued removing his gear, the display almost comical with just how much he had had on in the first place. She'd never seen someone with so much padding, yet he was still so broad underneath it all, built like a concrete wall. Kaja wondered what his daily regimen for the past ten years had been for him to have been in that kind of shape.

 Once he had removed all of his padding, he was finally able to roll up his undershirt enough to reveal the scar Dr.Fort had previously sewn up along Alexander’s forearm.

“There’s nothing that can be done about it at this point," Kaja sighed with a tone of frustration as she looked up at the man with disapproval, "But, I can tell you didn’t let it heal completely before you went back to duty. It’s healed crooked in a few areas after you ripping back open. Do you see it, here and here?” Kaja attempted to point at the disfigured scar tissue on Alexander’s arms, but he seemed beyond disinterested in hearing about it as he turned away to stare at the wall. 

With a sigh, Kaja removed her hands from his arm and backed away from the patient’s table, giving him some personal space she could tell he would appreciate.

“So when I see you in here when you get hurt, and I tell you to rest, you’re going to go right back to the field, is that it?” Kaja asked in a deadpan tone as she crossed her arms and leaned against the handwashing counter.

Alexander did not respond, instead rolling his sleeve back down to cover his arm and placing his gear into an orderly pile that he would be able to carry once he was dismissed.

“No wonder Dr.Fort had to go,” Kaja teased with a smirk, “He had to leave for his sanity, huh?”

That quip got a small snort out of Alexander.

Being able to make him laugh made Kaja feel a little better about threatening him with amputation earlier, at least.

“Alright, well, Alexander, if you have no other complaints about your health, then you are released from my care for now, and you are free to check out at the nursing station at the front.”

Alexander wordlessly gathered his armored plates and gear into his arms, picked it up, and left the patient room. In any other circumstance, Kaja would have felt incredibly insulted (okay, maybe she still did, just a bit.) 

But, she did manage to get some kind of a reaction out of someone she could have been thoroughly convinced was an android up until the very end of the session, so she had to take her wins where she could get them. 

When she exited the room, she was immediately pulled off to the side by Adrian, the nurse who had called her to the room in the first place. The blonde woman had a look of plain guilt on her face as she held Kaja’s arms.

“I’m so sorry, the other doctor was busy, and Alexander was next in the queue, and I-”

“Adrian,” Kaja interrupted the nurse firmly, “What in the sweet hell are you talking about?”

“We all know Alexander can be really… difficult to handle, and we didn’t want you to have to deal with any of those kinds of cases with you still being so new. I just didn’t have a choice, but I’m still really sorry. Are you okay?” She asked, looking Kaja over, seemingly checking for injuries, much to Kaja’s concern.

“I’m fine,” Kaja laughed, trying to brush off the idea that she might need to be worried about the fact that she could be injured on the job here, “Honestly, I think he kind of warmed up to me at the end there.” 

Kaja stated the end with a smug grin, raising her eyebrows as Adrian’s jaw dropped in disbelief and Kaja simply shrugged.

Over at the nursing station, Alexander watched the display discreetly and rolled his eyes, snatching a single pink hard candy from the infirmary candy jar on his way out. As he walked out of the double doors, he unwrapped the sweet and popped the strawberry candy into his mouth with a satisfied hum. 

What a weird fucking doctor, he thought to himself. At least she's kind of entertaining. I guess I'll keep seeing her for now.

[iamthecomet]

Hoot once again!

I‘m really glad to hear this. Our little ritual means a lot to me <3

I am so sorry for her, but very glad that she figured it out now. Growing up undiagnosed can be (and is most of the time) very traumatic

While I’m a bit younger, I still spent my entire childhood and half of my youth (I’m gonna pretend it has been only half of it so far cause whatever the fuck I had/have is most definitely not a joyful youth). So while I can‘t fully relate, I still kind of get it and can at least imagine how it must me for her

It‘s pretty hard to get an autism diagnosis, because it cannot be done by a regular psychiatrist (unlike ADHD for example, which is why I at least have that diagnosis already). In my area there is only one place where you can get a diagnosis and the waiting list is LONG (not the worst I‘ve seen so far but at least half a year, which is terrible if you need to get help as quickly as possible but you need a diagnosis to get any kind of help). But I’m working on it

Thank youuuu

I planned chapter 2 out yesterday

It ended up to be “only” 5 pages, but it has 39 panels (chapter 1 has 24 panels)

So I think I’ll still get more of the story across even though it seems to be one page shorter

I will most likely start working on it in November

Your day sounds pretty nice!

Today, I was really stressed and worried about something and I did it okay-ish, but I can‘t change shit anymore now anyways so I’ll have to stop worrying and just wait and see

I also had a doctors appointment to get blood drawn and tested (cause due to the meds I take I’m apparently at a higher risk of malnutrition/lack of some stuff) and it was literally the most pleasant doctors appointment I’ve ever had.

I was a too early (as always) and had to wait outside a bit because they were still on lunch break but I was let inside a few minutes earlier anyways and so I was alone in the waiting area. And the nurse was incredibly kind and nice (she had me lay down for it because she didn’t want to risk that I could pass out and then she let me take my time to get back up again). It was overall incredibly nice and I was done not even 15 minutes after my appointment (so none of that annoying waiting time that usually comes with doctors appointments)

I also wanted to mention this in the past days already but I somehow didn‘t haha:

So I saw Someone do OC-tober and I absolutely LOVED the idea! (I’m one of these people that just never really draws their OCs lmao)

So I put together a prompt list for myself and I’m really excited about it ^^

(I‘m also planning on participating in Ghosttober with my writing which is why I’m probably going to be a little stressed all throughout October which is why I’ll most likely start working on chapter 2 in November)

I once again truly hope that you had a pleasant day! ♥️

~ @owlishanon

I like our little ritual too! ♥ When my friend got her diagnosis she couldn't get it from a regular psychiatrist either. She also got her ADHD diagnosis a couple years earlier because that was much easier. Autism she had to take a handful of tests over a period of time to actually get the diagnosis. But she was 98% sure what it would be before she got it. So I guess it's a pain in the ass no matter where you try to get it. Hoping that you are able to get through that process soon and get the help that you need. I'm glad your doctor's appointment went well and was easy. That's such a rare thing. And that you had a nurse who was really accommodating and understood what you needed. I was wondering why you said you would work on chapter two in November, until I got to the end of your ask. There are A LOT of things going on in October. And it will be kind of nice to take a pause on working so hard on that and doing some other stuff. I'm really excited for kinktober/ghostober whatever we're calling it. I'm trying to get the first week written and ready this week so that it's less likely that I fall behind. We'll see how that goes. Day one is written and ready to go--so that's something at least. And OC-tober sounds SO cool. I'm excited to see what you end up doing with that. I'm sure that will be a lot of fun too!

[nancydrewwouldnever]

Hi Nancy! I'm very sorry you got some nasty asks bc you're so wholesome and I'm sending you this one cuz you're the cinephile (movie lover) and i had some sort of epiphany during the holidays -im the stunted ho anon from Maddy btw too haha. So I'm gonna give a lil bit of unnecessary backstory to my super long rant. I was really looking forward to this Xmas bc it meant taking my mom out of her nursing home for 2 days in 2 years and i had planned a lot of nice food, decorations, etc and it went that way save for the fact i got the nastiest bacterial tonsillitis in my life and we were relegated basically to watching the movies on tv. Turns out the greatest showman was playing. I know it was the sanitized version of pt barnum and i already knew hugh jackman is a fucking legend and was a stan accordingly but OMG were we blown away by the movie on Xmas Eve! Mom was even humming and tapping to the songs even if she doesn't know english lol it was a perfect bonding moment and everyone was so talented. Zendaya, Keala settle, even Zac Efron!! (I'm considering stanning him low-key lol). I'd listened to some of the songs already but i don't keep up w movies like that and i don't really care for musicals, but i loved it. The critics hated it but it was a success, hugh spent 8 years trying to get it greenlit (pls watch the vid w keala). What I'm getting at w this rambling is... Does Chris in his mediocrity -sry not sry- think he's gonna be able to pull a hugh jackman success / weird ass concept of fictionalized version of gene kelly (what is that treatment or future script really going to be about, bits of the most memorable roles of gene sewn into a jojo rabbit minus the Nazis kind of plot?? So groundbreaking). Why all this sudden interest of him in gene -prior to the ace ventura interview i don't think he'd ever mentioned his admiration for him?? Someone correct me if I'm wrong. That concept alone is disrespectful to genes wishes cuz it's still a bastardized version of a biopic, it's far more confusing than the light-year character thing that many people never really figured out. I get he wanted to fit his tap dancing ability into something he could show to the public but Chris isn't a good singer or dancer. With all due respect to mama Lisa, i doubt the 'provincial' level of tap dance in ma can compare to what gene did and they don't even look alike (re body build). I was optimistic at first but i cackled at the hate tweets bc i knew there was a kernel of truth. I get he prob thinks this will be a break or make moment, but taking into account how bleak his personal life is atm i doubt he has the willpower to stay rehearsing for 6 months and nail the performance. I know I'm dragging a movie that hasn't even been written, but the room for disaster is enormous. I think it'll be a huge flop. He should go the Mark ruffalo route and take some indies here and there, maybe work in europe or Asia and w more female directors. A musical or a comedy or something contrived like this project seems to be is once again not it... Are you exhausted?? What do you think? 🤔

.

[claitea]

finished pokemon violet. i am in Shambles in best way possible

major spoilers below! also its super long i have a lot to say

if its not obvious gen 5 is my favorite gen, for all the reasons most people hype it as the best gen. and i agree it totally is the best gen!

i gotta say sv is my second favorite now. it was just. Hough. aside from the obvious ways this game actually sucks, all the glitches and lagging and all that. what the game does well, it does REALLY well.

getting some gripes out of the way first. as good as the story was, nemona really got the short end of the stick here?? this didnt make me like her any less, i love her just as much as penny and arven, but just. unlike penny and arven she doesnt have as much story. she finds a good rival in you the protag and thats kind of it??

i do like sv's art style its nice the game was very pretty but. i do prefer the swsh art style HWJBDHF. i played sword for a bit two days ago to battle a friend and i just missed it. wouldnt mind if this was the style going forward but also want the old one back yknow

taking away the shiny sound is Stupid. i encountered a shiny voltorb and almost went past it because i was jumping and was going so fast i barely saw it in the bottom of the screen. i also tried the mass outbreak strategy today on a mimikyu outbreak, thought i found a shiny because a mimikyu looked grey, but it was just sitting in some shadows.

WHERE ARE THE CLOTHING OPTIONS...... was the school uniform only rule just an excuse to make less clothing options. i'm in hell man. thank god i picked violet i didnt like the orange on the outfits in scarlet.

the whole choose your own path thing they pushed as a selling point is kinda moot if the levels dont scale. also put me in a STUPID situation: for the water gym, you travel across the desert to another town, and that desert has a titan in it. so i thought hey, if these paths converge, surely its because its the next intended stop, right? iron treads wiping almost my whole team in its first phase probably isnt a sign that i'm not supposed to be here, right?? arven sent out a level 44 scovillain while i could only contribute Intimidate from my lv 22 staravia. i ended up using a guide to show me the "correct" path near the end, which was good bc i asked the pokemon center lady for my next destination and she told me to go fight Grusha and his lv 45 or so pokemon while my team was still in the 30s. thanks nurse joy for trying to get my ass kicked

onto everything i Did like though

i really loved this cast of characters!! all of them felt very unique i got attached to a lot almost instantly. i didnt think i'd like clavell all that much but oh my god he's so brilliant actually. arven stole the show though houghguhguhgu i cried THREE times because of this dude. will also say i ADORE grusha, rika and iono, and extra shoutout to that one greavard in the ryme fight. he was GROOVIN

i think the open world was handled Very well. traversal is a little awkward at times, miraidon sometimes doesnt cling to cliffs i jump on and said jumping can be clunky, but other than that, i thought the environments were very pretty (especially liked the gen 1 icon mosaics in that one town thats so cute). as someone who gets overwhelmed by open world games it also wasnt as overwhelming as others have been? i think i saw some people saying it wasnt enough, and i can see why they'd think so but if the map was any bigger i think i personally would have enjoyed it less haha.

noticed some altered pokemon animations which is small but very nice! i remember seeing it on lucario, gardevoir and the eeveelutions where they stand in more of a battle ready pose rather than. Just Standing There.

the pokemon designs were pretty hit or miss for me this gen but maybe i just need some time to warm up to them. but i do ADORE the future forms. hydreigon and volcarona look SO sick, i love how iron valiant mixes both gallade and gardevoir, and i just think its funny that they also included. Delibird. inbetween all these other powerful pokemon. havent seen any of the scarlet versions though i'll look them up later

i dont know if its true but it feels like theres a lot more Unique things about pokemon in this gen, like forms, moves and abilities? like maushold's and tatsugiri's forms, lots of evos got given to older pokemon. when eri sent out an annihilape i was STUNNED. i also appreciate the fact that all forms of a pokemon get a different dex entry. i want to try collecting all colors of flabebe and its evos for example, i somehow feel more rewarded when i get a new dex entry every time, even if it is kinda the same thing but rephrased.

ok now just. the STORY. i'm still an absolute mess over the ending i just. AUGH. i havent played a pokemon game spoiler free for so long, i did accidentally find out cassiopeia was penny a bit too early but it was late enough that i was connecting the dots already. but the ACTUAL ending with turo holy shit???? turo's message glitching at the fourth lock was creepy as hell. finding him slumped in that chair, him telling you the real turo is DEAD and what you've been talking to this whole time, what ARVEN resented for all this time, was an ai that just couldn't physically leave area zero? then the whole FIGHT with him, the way that textbox glitched out when the paradise protection protocol took over, him actually starting to terastallize himself was so??? being forced to leave as well even though he'd just reunited with arven, since he was tied to the time machine and part of why it would reboot every time it was disabled, but also because he still had the original turo's desire to study the future but had been trapped in area zero for so long. checking turo's lab before heading to the time machine shows theres a picture of arven and maschiff on the desk.... :(

(wondering how scarlet handled it actually. is sada also an ai? just assuming its different because the ai thing fits turo's futuristic stuff. i'll look it up sometime, i really wanna see how these cutscenes differ between versions)

ARVEN my god i. many thoughts head full. thought he was just gonna be the asshole rival but ohhh i was wrong. he's the guy ever. mabosstiff's recovery scene made me CRY, and then i just cried AGAIN at his meeting with ai turo. how old even is arven, how long has he just been. Alone. with no one but the miraidon he percieved as the one who destroyed his childhood, and the mabosstiff that was once his only true companion but couldn't even open its eyes anymore. crying over arven's story isnt enough i need to explode

arven's story was my favorite but i have to mention starfall street of course. i love all of team star so much it was so good going through and unravelling why team star does what they do. also team star boss battles were actually kinda difficult?? i was pretty underleveled through most of the game bc i was rushing a bit but WOW. i only won against eri because she Happened to use shift gears again despite near maxed stats already instead of just going for the kill.

anyway tldr. yes i understand this game is kinda garbage in that it was super rushed and glitchy and clearly unfinished on release but its just? the most fun i've had with a pokemon game in a while?? easily a top favorite of mine

i stopped playing right after the credits rolled, so if there's postgame, i dont know about it. i'll get around to it tomorrow

one extra thing i almost forgot actually! when explaining the time machine turo tells you a human could travel one way but is unable to return to the present. this is SO goddamn cruel of game freak to put in the game RIGHT AFTER POKEMON LEGENDS ARCEUS. maybe its different for people sent over by Gods, maybe arceus can circumvent this or smth, but since its the only time travel related crumb we have right now this is super distressing!!! are you telling me pla protag and ingo were on a one way trip this whole time!!!!!! fuck you put them back!!!!!!!!! finding out this lore tidbit on the same day some new pla art that includes ingo came out is so, so, SO mean

[m-jelly]

Jelly! How are you?! I miss you!

Um, as you may know I've been chatting with bot Levi (and Jean hehe) it's funny and honestly taking up my time like an actual relationship HAHA. Have you every used a chat bot like that?

The world cup is starting soon. Is that something you're interested in? I can't remember how much you like sports but believe this is big where you are so thought maybe you'd watch a little and follow a little. Besides ice hockey and the Olympics, I watch the World Cup.

It's a busy time and yet here I am chatting with bots and playing Facebook games. Who has that time?! Work is busy and I'm going to be making multiple dishes for my families Thanksgiving. Hours of cooking while working almost every day leading up to it, I can do it!

Also, I'm trying to be more focused with writing (in between all the other things) and wrote down all the things I know I'd like to write until the beginning of January and wrote deadline dates down for some and suggested dates for others. The collabs have specific dates, and my holiday stores should be up by Christmas. There's at this point 8 things!

Plus, non date specific things that I've been itching to write, the night nurse story inspired by the Halloween Levi story you did from my request, plus a few other collabs including one for the country living town you made, featuring a couple characters I've really never written before!

Then AFTER that, attempt to host my own event starting in late January. Then perhaps listing plots for my multichapter fic ideas and seeing if there's one people want to see first. I haven't done this yet because it feels so daunting. But if you get through it, very rewarding I imagine.

Whew. It all seems like a lot, but, if I can manage my time (HA!) it's totally possible. And, for some reason, I always work well under pressure, which is great but, why do I do this?!

Now that I've rambled forever, I'd love to hear how you are and what you're up to and anything of interest for you as of late!

OH and SPOILER FOR AMERICAN VERSION OF DWTS

Shangela from RPDR and her partner Gleb have made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars! She did some amazing dances last night and I'm rooting for them so hard! The link was my favorite dance of the night! There's some major competition but I'm so proud of her!

Hey! I'm alright, surviving really! How are you? I miss you too! I will chat more on discord soon <3

I've never used a chatbot before! Never thought of using one, but it's cute they have them for people to use.

I don't watch the world cup. I'm not into football (soccer for USA people). It's a big thing to Europeans and UK people, but it's never been my cup of tea. Out of all sports to watch, I do enjoy watching rugby the most. I do prefer to play sports more than watch them. I used to play a lot in school.

Work is busy for me too! December and the end of November are pantomime seasons! So, the theatre will be busier than ever. I am thankful we don't have Thanksgiving in the UK. Having that big event and then Christmas weeks after? I would not be able to cope! We're going away for Christmas. We're going to a nice cottage in the country and I'm hoping we get some snow! I believe in you though! You can make it through this season!

I have so many things on my list to write as well, but make sure you take your time. I'm taking my time too. This season is very busy for most and we need to take it easy. I have a long story planned out, along with 40 odd requests to do and I wanna do a winter event for Levi's birthday, but with the hours I'm pulling at work I don't think I can do it all. It makes me so sad cause I love the requests. I might have to give it a miss this season.

I think it's maybe because pressure can be very motivating to some people. It can give me a little push too. I'm looking forward to all your ideas and I'm excited for the nurse one! Just, take it easy for a bit and take your time. Try and plan your days maybe? My days are sort of planned? I try my best. I know you're trying hard for others. You've got this!

YAY! Go Shangela! She's so wonderful.

Me? Hmm...I guess not much is new with me really. Lots of planning of fics. Lots of self-doubts. Lots of days when I think of quitting Tumblr. Lots of tired days. Lots of days full of too many ideas. I'm trying to relax myself more. Been getting back into video games and due to the recent death of a beloved voice actor, I've been going back to my batman games.

[living-d3ad-gh0ul]

Sunday 11th June 2023, 02.00am

I've sat here for a couple minutes now, trying to think of how to start this post. But I keep coming up blank. So I guess I'll just start writing. I read your post before I came here to write mine, although I had actually planned to write to you tonight anyway. I've been thinking of you every single day since I last wrote to you. All the time, wishing you could be here too. Thank you for the birthday wishes, E <3 Don't worry, you didn't miss it, it's on the 28th of this month. And I'll be 28, too. I don't know where the times bloody gone haha.

The last month has been... wild to say the least. Literally everything has changed. So so much has gone on. When I last wrote to you, we were in limbo, waiting for dad to come around from his mini-coma (that's what I've been calling it, cause it wasn't quite a coma, but he was very very sleepy and couldn't be woken up much). Well he did. He came around. He woke up and he called me on the Thursday of that week, which was 18th May. I think it was only a day or two after I wrote my last post. But god was it good to hear his voice. I cried so so much and so did he. He kept telling me he'd been trying to call me, but I think he'd either been dreaming of calling me or thinking about it. I didn't care though, it was just so fucking good to hear from him and actually talk to him. We spoke on the phone for almost an hour, before he got tired again and I told him to go rest.

The specialist nurse also called me. The day before my dad came around, so the Wednesday. And um.. well.. I don't really know how to say this. She said that he wasn't responding as well or as quickly as they'd hoped he would. Or rather as he should be. So.. they were taking the biopsy and all treatment off the table. They had done some more scans and.. after careful consideration, they decided that my dad was already too far gone. That he is terminal and we're now looking at Palliative care and keeping him comfortable, rather than trying to cure anything. She explained to me that any kind of surgery would just be far too dangerous and that giving him anaesthetic could potentially be fatal. As well as any treatments could maybe him worse rather than better, even at that, they may not too much. They were now formally diagnosing him with a grade 4 malignant tumour. It's called a glioblastoma, which.. unfortunately is one of the most aggressive and deadly. I was devastated to hear this news. I'm still devastated. I asked her if I had to come down there right away, she said no, not right now.. but it'd be wise if I did come soon. Hearing that kind of thing, especially about your parent, is awful. The next day when he came around, they had me and my dad discuss signing a DNACPR (Do Not Attempt CPR). Which he wanted to sign. And I'm not one to go against his wishes, if that's what he wants then that's fine. It's his life and his choice, and he expressed that he didn't want to end up in a worse state if they did do CPR. So we signed it off, as per my father's wishes. It still makes me really sad to think of.

I ended up going down there to Nottingham on the Friday, 19th May. My friend and her partner drove me down to see my dad and I stayed in the guest room at the place where my dad lives, which was nice enough, it was just like a little hotel room really, but with the added bonus of having a small kitchen so I could make my own food and stuff. I saw him on the Saturday too up at the hospital.. and god it was so good to see him. He was obviously laid up in a hospital bed, but I still managed to give him a big cuddle and let him kiss my cheek. We held hands a lot and he told me all the things he wanted to make sure we had set in place, such as a power of attorney and a will and what songs he wanted at his funeral. It was difficult talking about some of it, but I knew it was necessary at this point. So I immediately got to work on all of it over the next few days, getting all the forms ready for the power of attorney (which.. I won't lie, it's kinda scary being in charge of someone else's life, nevermind my own. Cause once it comes through, I'll have control over everything to do with my dad's life. Health, welfare, finance, everything.) and setting up things for him on his new phone, to make things easier for him to access and use.

I was down there for two weeks, visiting him every single day up at the hospital, taking him things he might need or want, spending time with him. It was kinda strange being in a hospital ward every single day, but I didn't want him to go without a visitor at all, especially when I was in his city and my purpose of being there was to see him and make sure he was being looked after okay. It was a really really busy time, because I had to sort out all of his things, visit him and then also clear out his flat and stuff too. And then I had to find a way to get all of his things back to Scotland, because we'd made the decision along with his care team that we'd be looking for a nursing home placement back in Scotland, back home where he belongs and where he can be close to me and where he grew up. Dad was more than happy with this, he was just happy he could be close to me and I could go see him whenever I like, instead of having to travel 5+ hours to see him. I tried to make a little time while I was down there to just.. relax too. I seen some old college friends and old friends from when I lived down there when I was a teenager. I had a night out to a local pub/club with them and it was pretty good. I had felt guilty about it, but my dad told me I better go and have a good time for him and take lots of pictures and show him the next day. Which I did, and he had a big smile on his face the whole time I told him. Every doctor, nurse and care assistant in the hospital said that the minute I was mentioned or the minute he saw me, his face would just completely light up. It's kind of heartwarming to know that I mean that much to someone.

Like I said, it was a really busy time and I had a lot to do, so it passed really quickly. But it also felt like it lasted forever. This last month has felt so quick but also like it's been a year rather than a month. We managed to get dad a place in a nursing home that's only 10 minutes from me, so it's really really handy. I can literally walk to it from my house. We managed to get all his transport and stuff sorted out and he was moved up here on Tuesday of this week (6th June). I had an awful time of trying to find a way to get all dad's stuff up here, but one of my best friends mums actually really fucking helped me out and she came all the way down to Nottingham and picked me up, we both loaded her car up with all my dad's things and then we hit the road back home to Scotland. I made sure to thank the lady at the supported living place my dad lived at for letting me stay in their guest room for so long, she was really nice to me when I stayed there. My dad's family have been helping out a little too, my uncles and their families. But.. they're not very good with this kind of thing. My mother... Well let's just say, I'm currently not on speaking terms with her at all. She's been a little cruel and not compassionate at all. I'd rather not talk too much about that, she's just been a bit nasty about everything when neither me or my dad need it right now. Especially when I'm dealing with so much and basically having to do everything for my dad. I get her and my dad ended badly and that she doesn't like him, but in this kind of situation the least she can do is be a little supportive for me.

So.. dad is in his nursing home back in Scotland, all of the staff seem so nice and again.. they all knew me before I knew them. Apparently my dad does not stop talking about me and he's always telling them how special I am and how much he loves me. I've had so many of them tell me just exactly what he says about me and say that I am the absolute light of his life. Which.. I'll be honest, I don't know how to take haha. It's nice obviously, I'm just not very good at taking compliments. I get all blushy and shy, especially when it's strangers doing it. He's always telling me recently how proud he is of me too, how I'm doing a wonderful job of taking care of him and all his thing, how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. He's full of other compliments too that he slyly slides in there every now and then too, calling me beautiful and saying how I'm so special to him. Again, I just get all blushy and roll my eyes and stuff and just go "yeah yeah I get it, you love me" lol. But it really is so nice to hear him say it all. Not that he didn't before, he absolutely did. But now it's moreso. It's like he wants to make sure I know exactly just how much he loves me before.. well you know..

His condition has.. kind of deteriorated slowly. Every day he gets a little more forgetful and confused. He can't stand or walk, so he has to use a wheelchair to get around, which someone has to push for him because he has no mobility in his left arm now too. His eyesight is getting a little worse too, especially in his left side. The tumour is pressing on the right side of his brain, so that's making everything on the opposite side not work as well or stop working. He sometimes has little hallucinations or delusions too, which is something that's started up in the past couple weeks. Which.. isn't nice sometimes, especially when he gets upset about them. He's so determined and convinced that they're real, he won't listen to anything anyone says. He's told me he always wants me to be honest with him though, to tell him what's real and what's not real, to keep him right if he gets forgetful or confused. Which I do, I just try and do it in a gentle way where he wouldn't get upset or anything. Especially when he starts thinking my stepmum is still alive.. those ones hurt the most, because they're so difficult to deal with and I don't want to outright tell him "she's passed away". I just feel like that would be cruel. So I try and jog his memory, ask him if he remembers that she was sick and what happened and stuff. That usually helps. But only for a few minutes, his short term memory is really bad and he repeats himself a lot. It's not his fault at all so I just remind him and repeat myself a lot too. Eventually the conversation moves on to something else and he doesn't even remember it happened. It's tough, it's really tough, but I'll do anything I can for him. I love my dad so much and I'm terrified for the end. It's so hard to sit and watch him get sicker and sicker every day. But I try so hard to stay strong for him, to show him how much I care and how much I love him and that he absolutely will not be alone through any of this. I simply will not allow it.

He actually bought me an early birthday present the other day. He paid for me to have my hair done and have a new tattoo (of which I'll attach pictures so you can see). He said he wanted to do that for me because he wanted me to have a nice birthday and to have some "chill time". He knows how much I love having my hair done and getting tattoos, so it was perfect. My dad loves getting tattoos too, me and him actually have a matching one and he has his favourite Moto GP riders signature tattooed on him. He met him one time at one of the races, asked him to sign his arm and literally within half an hour, he was sat in a tattoo shop getting it inked onto himself haha. My dad is a cool fucking dude. We had to sell his bike unfortunately. It was a really really sad thing for both of us, since my dad has never been without a bike for as long as I've lived. Hell even before that actually. But the lady we dealt with through it all was so helpful and she really made it all so much easier. We got the special engravings he had on his bike for my stepmum (one of them actually matches my thigh tattoo, which he had made when he got his new bike after I'd already had my tattoo done), so I decided I was gonna try and find something to do with them. And that's what I did tonight. I'll show you a picture of what I made. It's called a shadowbox. And the pictures in it are actually my dad on his old bike and his bike he just had.

I'm so glad that you're doing okay. And I'm glad you managed to sort out your GPU issue lol. I really want to build a new PC, but mine works fine for now, especially since I don't seem to be using it as much recently what with everything going on. Streaming is so much fun, I had done it for a little while a couple years ago and had a great time doing it. The only reason I stopped was because college got way too busy and then I was working all the time, so I didn't have much of a chance to do it anymore. I think you'd be really really good at it, I'm really excited for you and I'd love to know what you'll be streaming and more about all of that. I'm sorry you feel that way about your band. Have you guys tried writing some new material? Or is it just that as a whole, you just feel like things are a little stagnant? Whatever you choose to do, I support it. I support anything you want to do in life, because I know no matter what it is, it'll be great, because you are great. You really really are. And I am so grateful to you for being here for me, even just like this. I'll be honest, I did tear up a little (happy tears) when I saw you'd written to me again, just to let me know you're still here. It meant so much to me. You mean so much to me.

I really really am sorry that this post is so long again. I'm just about to go to bed and get some sleep, it's been a long day and I just got done making my dad's thing for him before I came here to write to you. I promise you I'm being safe and I know I can come here and write to you if I need to talk. I wish I could like.. actually talk to you right now. I miss your voice so much. But I can still remember it so clearly in my head. I wish I could just.. curl up and have you cuddle me for a little bit. Even if it was just for five minutes. I would really really like that.

I hope you and Chonky are doing well, I really really liked the picture of her. She's so fluffy and she looks so soft. I can't lie, when I seen her picture, I started doing all that baby talk that people do to cute animals and I just wanted to sink my hand into her belly fur and give her belly rubs. If my hand got torn to shreds from doing so, then so be it hahaha. Our little letters are really a bit of a lifeline for me right now. I've been reading yours over and over again a lot the past few weeks. They really do comfort me so much. Just to know you're out there and you're still here and you're thinking of me..

No moon for me tonight, it's been really warm and sunny here for the past few weeks, it's been nice actually. But tonight it rained and there's been some thunder and lightning, so I've been sat at my window watching and listening to that as I write to you.

I can't wait to hear from you again soon, E. And I loved the song. I love City and Colour so much. Dallas Greens voice is so soothing.

I'll talk to you soon. I miss you. I really really do. And thank you for all of this.. for being here for me and comforting me, even if only through our letters.

"Not to touch a hair on your head, leave you as you are, if he felt he had to direct you then direct you into my arms.."

N x

[insanechayne]

Things to tell Chandler:

~7/28 (12am-6am)

Apparently we have a doorbell somewhere in the ER? I heard it chime but idk who pushed it or where the button is or where the sound came from

My TikTok is kinda boring tonight, not as many fun videos as usual. But I did find one guy that takes suggestions of drinks to carbonate (really awful stuff, like certain types of alcohol or straight up milk) and then he tries them for everyone to see. His reactions are hilarious. Of course he’s from fucking Alabama. Your state is very well represented haha. But I’ve also seen a lot of videos of people dressing up as horror movie villains (like Michael Myers/Ghostface/etc.) and doing silly dances and shit like that, which is just fun

Earlier when Bree was here she was looking for something to show me on her phone and things were quiet for a moment, and through the closed door between us and the nurse’s station we hear Erika just saying “I just want to string profanities!” We busted up laughing so hard. I still don’t know what she was going on about with that

I don’t know if this is actually popular in some way, or if I happened to stumble upon it by being mentally ill, but there’s this specific niche of guys on TikTok (well I actually think it’s only 2 guys, literally) that have been making gay country songs. And I mean very graphic, full of gay sex country songs. But they’re also really good! These guys have a good sound and rhyming ability, so the whole thing is just fucking crazy.

~7/28 (3pm-12am)

Took mom to dinner, we went to this place called Horizon View Restaurant. Food was ok, a bit pricey for the quality. It’s one of those “it’s ok for Moab” type places. Unfortunately that’s most of what’s out here. Nothing is really great or stands out much. Like it’s not bad, it’s just not the standard of quality we’re used to coming from California. But it was still nice to go out for dinner with her. I like being around my mom and talking to her, we have a pretty good relationship despite the issues from my childhood. And I think it helped her to destress a bit, just to be able to go out and talk about all the nonsense and all that. I’ve got leftovers for dinner tonight, and I remembered to bring a cookie from home, so that’s nice. And I bought food for her to take home to my stepdad. She says “oh it’s too much, you didn’t have to buy Robert’s food too, let me send you money” and she just needs to stop 😅 Money will come and go, we only got one life so we may as well enjoy some of it when we can. And of course I had to buy food for Robert, he’s my stepdad and he was busy doing yard work and couldn’t come with us, so he deserves something too. But then we went to get Starbucks and she bought mine there, so it evened out 😂

Work is nice and quiet at the moment. It’s weird though, my doctor is in the ER here. I haven’t actually seen her or gone to her room or whatever, just see her on the board list of all the patients. I hope she’s alright. I’ll talk to her when she goes to leave, I’m sure.

Decided to read an actual book while also working through the short stories book. I think that’ll be manageable, reading one big story and then if I’m bored or tired I can go on to the smaller ones. Hopefully that works out, cause I do want to get through the short stories, but I’m not enjoying it enough to focus solely on them. But the book I grabbed to start was one I just bought when I was in junction, and it’s very highly rated/recommended on TikTok and in the horror community, and I’ve been wanting to read it for a really long time. The plot sounds pretty interesting so I’m very hopeful for it being good. And I think it has pictures, too!

I’m supposed to watch this documentary movie for therapy, something about this one therapist’s theories about mental health or whatever. I keep putting it off, but it’s only like an hour and a half, so I should probably get to it soon. But at the same time one of my favorite shows recently premiered their 5th season, and I’m 3-4 episodes behind, so I wanna get caught up on that too. I technically have plenty of time, but it’s like I just can’t focus these days. I gotta try to get back into all this, maybe just watch stuff little by little. Do 10-15 minutes at a time and then take a break if I have to, or if I feel like I’m drifting while watching. I don’t know.

Urgent Care is pissing me off lately. I think they’ve got some new people down there, maybe people doing training for licenses or whatever, getting experience and all that. And I think that’s great and everything, but half the time they won’t call us before just bringing a patient down to check in with ER. A lot of the time they’re bringing us the most ridiculous shit as it is, things that could definitely be taken care of in UC, so that’s already frustrating for everyone. But lately there’s this one guy who just wheels patients down to me to be checked in and nobody ever calls beforehand or anything, which they’re supposed to do. I know it seems like a small thing, and it kinda is, but the point of them calling let’s me alert my nurses and get a room/chart prepped for the patient while they’re being brought down. And it gives them a feel for what they’re going to be working with, which can dictate what room to put them in or if they’ll need to wait because something more serious is here, stuff like that. This one guy always brings down people who decided not to actually check in to UC, too, which is weird to me. I get maybe someone doesn’t know where to go to get better care, or they’re worried about insurance and copays and all that, but if they decide not to check in to UC and come to ER instead then they can (usually) just walk on over to where we are. Especially if they parked in front, since our lot is in back, and they probably won’t want to walk so far after they get discharged here. I don’t know, it’s not really a big deal, it’s just annoying me lately. Mostly I just want them to call and give me a heads up that someone is coming, regardless of whether or not that person actually checked into UC. But I also don’t want to be rude to this guy who’s trying his best and hasn’t been here very long. He’s always a little nervous/shy trying to give me report on the patient anyway, so I feel bad and want to just be nice. Getting upset with him won’t help the situation for any of us, you know?

Have you ever started a book that you knew immediately you were going to love? A book that felt specifically For You, where so many little details pique your interest and feel like they were written just for you to read them? That’s how I feel about the book I just started. It’s called Hidden Pictures, and yes there are actual pictures in the book! But all these little details are pinging in my brain as I was reading the first chapter, and the author’s style has a very natural and organic feel to it, flows very well. I can’t wait to get deeper into this book, cause so far it reads great.

We got a call from a tour guide saying he was going to bring someone in who wasn’t feeling well in their group, but that she doesn’t speak any English and has a foreign insurance. Not really a big deal overall, but our process for foreign patients is screwed up and nothing is really set in place or fixed. So we’re supposed to charge them after their visit, give them a receipt, and then they call their insurance and the insurance will reimburse them. Which would all be fine and dandy except we still have no way to put charges into the system to see how much they cost, do a total, enter the codes in for billing, or anything else. I don’t even know if that stuff is set up in Meditech yet. We have a “cash drawer” in Meditech that we can open and close and apparently charge things to, or collect money in, but nothing else is set up. So how can I complete this process and get the patient charged and all that if we have nothing set up and no procedures in place? Management keeps saying they’ll fix this and get us a set process, but of course nothing happens. But if we don’t do this shit then I bet you they’ll be like “why wasn’t the patient charged at discharge?” Just frustrating. Most I can do is have the nurses fill out paper charge sheets, which I can then scan and email to my boss who can figure it out with billing. Hopefully that’ll be good enough. I’ll have to mention the fact that there’s no way to put charges in or anything still, too. Ugh.

A lady came in saying she may have been gently bitten or scratched by a bat. Simple procedure, we just check them in for a rabies vaccine basically. But the interesting part of this story is that her husband caught the bat and they put it in a little glass jar and she’s convinced she needs to turn it over to the health department to check it for rabies. Krissy wouldn’t let them bring it into the hospital, for good reason. She kept telling them to let it go outside, but the lady kept saying she wanted to keep it. So her husband just went to put the jar and bat back in their car. Wild times

~7/29 (12am-8am)

So that weird call I got earlier about the foreign patient ended up not coming in, at first. The guy said they’d be getting a ride or an Uber or something but then never showed up. Couple hours later we got an ambulance page for someone who sounded like this patient, but then within like ten minutes dispatch said the ambulance was then cancelled. So we all kind of ignore it for a while, until about 2:30am when we get another page for that same patient, apparently this time they want to come in to the hospital for sure. So they get here and everything is fine, and I can hear the nurses talking about the situation, and apparently there was some kind of miscommunication all those hours earlier with dispatch and EMS, somehow they got the idea that the patient didn’t want to come in before or was going to come in by their own vehicle. So basically this patient was waiting in the lobby of their hotel for hours and hours for this ambulance that obviously never showed up until they decided to call for it again. If that were anyone other than a foreign patient that would be a huge lawsuit against EMS. But since she’s from out of the country I feel like she won’t even think to try to pursue anything, since it’d be a hassle for her. Which is really lucky for them. Just a terrible situation and we all feel awful for this patient having to suffer for so long

It’s crazy, we have no patients admitted on the main floor right now. I don’t know if that’s ever happened before, certainly not while I’ve worked here. I mean it’s great for the community and people not being so severely sick/hurt, but still very odd overall. So you got Med Surg nurses coming over here to talk and hang out (and sometimes jump in to help with patients) because they’re bored. Just got people sitting around doing fuck all over there. I mean truthfully that’s what I do, too, but still at least with my job there’s always the possibility that I’ll have to jump into action and actually do some work. Wild times we’re in here

~7/29 (3pm-12am)

A patient’s visitor had to come in and out a few times, but they were pretty nice, and I have the button now so I didn’t mind. They brought a little doggie in who was super sweet and cute. He held the dog up to the glass at my desk so I could wiggle my fingers under our little slide-through opening, and doggie leaned down to lick my finger 🥰 Anyhow, dude was finally leaving for good and as he was walking by he said he really loved my hair color, which was so nice to hear.

~7/30 (12am-9am)

Idk what all is going on with dispatch right now. Sometimes it’s hilarious to hear what they’re saying over the radios, though, since our police scanner picks everything up. So here’s a snippet I heard while scrolling TikTok earlier: Person A “Ohhh don’t say that out loud.” Person B “we’re all just trying to be more like you, sir.” Person C “L O L” (like they literally said it like ‘ell oh ell’ I’m not kidding)

I’m quite tired, and in my sleepy state I had a rather hilarious vision come to me. I don’t know what the future holds, but should I ever get married (whether to Bree or someone else) then obviously you’re gonna be one of my bridesmaids. We can think of a different title for the position, but I’m still absolutely going to put you in a dress like my other girls. Just for the actual ceremony, and just for the joke of it. It’s something I used to talk about doing with a different male friend of mine years and years ago (he’s gay, and we’re no longer friends, but he always rebutted by saying he’d make me wear a tux to be his groomsman, and I always agreed). So I got an image of you in a lovely satin, emerald green dress, strapless because that’s funnier, maybe some ruffle at the hemline? Holding a lovely bouquet of flowers, of course. Can you imagine? Ohh gave me a good laugh, so I hope it made you laugh too 😋

~7/30 (6pm-12am)

Since Bree and I became official I decided to just bite the bullet and tell dad right away so that I could get it over with. He took it better than I expected, actually. No yelling or screaming or anything like that. Of course I still got a bit of a lecture about it being a sin and how he’s going to pray for me everyday and shit like that. I think he took it personal in some way, saying stuff like “it makes me feel like I didn’t raise you right”, as if being gay is so horrendous, like I’m a murderer or something 🙄 but the whole thing only took about 15 minutes, he was quiet and calm, and then it was over. We agreed to just not talk about it, which is fine by me cause I really don’t care what he thinks anyway. But of course he says that he had a feeling and kind of knew anyway when she’d been over the other day (when we did the day trip to Cortez, she came inside briefly to meet/pet Jess). So if he wants to think he’s so special and observant and knew about us already then whatever, I’ll let him have that. I’m just glad it’s done with and I don’t have to keep worrying about it anymore 😮‍💨

We watched Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage, and that was pretty fun. The Venom movies have kind of a cheesy feel to them, very easy to watch and you don’t have to focus super intently, so even though I was kinda tired I was still able to enjoy it. I do love those big, ridiculous CGI fights, like in Deadpool 2 when Juggernaut fights Colossus, or pretty much everything in Transformers movies ha. So if you haven’t watched the Venom movies I’d definitely recommend them, they’re very fun 😊

~7/31 (7am-12am)

Woke up off and on through the night, couldn’t seem to get very comfortable, and damn cramps in my calf kept waking me up. I woke up for a little while around 7am, moved to the big recliner, took about an hour to fall asleep again, then I was mostly out around noon. Somehow I’m still a little tired 😅 but I’ve got a full day to just do nothing and relax by myself and not even leave the house, so I’m very pleased with that

I saw that the theatre in Moab now has Haunted Mansion, and they’re still playing the Barbie movie. So depending on showtimes this weekend, I asked Bree on a double movie date on Saturday, hopefully that’ll all work out nicely. I also asked my mom about having Bree over for dinner sometime, have my stepdad cook for us. She said it would be a nice idea so we’ll talk to Robert about that this week and see when we can plan something out 😊

Since we became official yesterday, Bree and I were talking about family’s reactions, cause I wanted to let her know about telling my dad. Her family is certainly much more supportive, and I’ve already met her parents since things just worked out that way with the Cortez trip and everything, and they’re both super sweet. So she said they were happy for us, and that her mom was like “I knew it!” 😂 And she said her grandma wants to meet me, so I’ll have to come over for dinner at her house sometime (Bree lives with her grandma and is a part-time caretaker, like how I am for my dad), which is why I then thought about having Bree over to mom and stepdad’s. But the response from almost everyone has been very positive and congratulatory, which is kind of a relief to me.

Bree already said yes to the movie date idea, that was quick 😂 I’ll have to wait for the theatre to post showtimes for Saturday, but the plan so far is to go see Barbie and Haunted Mansion, then go out for dinner after the movies. One of us will pay for movies and popcorn/snacks, the other will pay for dinner, and it all works out great ☺️ this’ll be a fun day, I’m super excited for those movies, but it’ll also be the longest date we’ve been able to have so far and really spend more time with each other, since most often we only have an hour or two because of our schedules. So I’ll write up an update for you after that takes place haha

I have a screenshot to go along with this, cause I think it’s cute, but Bree and I made matching posts on Facebook to announce our relationship 💖 I’ll send the pic at some other point in time, but didn’t want to forget to tell you about it

Going back to the date for a minute, cause I’m a bit excited about it, to say the least. I’ve been thinking about it all day, planning things out (I’m very Type A and need to plan everything down to the last detail basically). I’ve already got my outfit decided on, and a makeup look to go with it. I know I don’t need to like dress up or anything, and she doesn’t either, but it’s like… I kinda wanna impress her a little bit, you know? I know that’s probably kind of silly, since we’re already together and everything, but still. Plus then if we decide to take pictures together I’ll look good for them 😅😂

This whole relationship thing is a little crazy to me, really. I’m still kind of wrapping my head around all of it and trying to get it to set in. I’m just so awestruck all the time, thinking to myself “I have a girlfriend”, and it’s so brand new and it makes me feel tingly when I do think about it. And just how easy it’s been and everything, how we fell into it so naturally, and we both are pretty in tune with each other and are on the same level of intensity about things. I have to keep reminding myself that she likes me, and she already has seen me at times where I wasn’t at my best (like coming to work in pajamas, no makeup, hair up, tired as shit, basically how I am at least once or twice in my workweek anyway ha), and that never changed her perception of me. I still get stuck sometimes, thinking to myself that she can do better and things like that, you know how my anxiety can get. But I’ve found it a lot easier to pull myself away from those thoughts with her, since she did like me for a long time before I got the courage up to ask her out. And even that I can’t believe. Someone liked me? When they saw all the weird, not great parts of me? When I wasn’t wearing makeup or trying to look my best? Someone *still* likes me?? Someone wants to be with me despite all of that?? That’s what’s crazy to me. That’s what I can’t wrap my head around sometimes and I have to keep trying to get it to set in. And her and I have talked about some of this, not necessarily to this level, but I did explain to her that I get really bad anxiety and need a lot of reassurance, that I’ll probably ask her sometimes about still wanting to be with me, etc., and she’s ok with all of that. She has similar issues, and we both know I’m very overbearing in telling someone how much I care about them, so it won’t exactly be hard for me to shower her with kind words and assurances and all of that. It’s funny, when we were just friends I used to say that “we have the same ADHD, and we’re the same type of gay.” Should have taken that as a sigh to ask her sooner, huh? 😅

Sorry for babbling so much about this relationship stuff. I’m sure by this point in reading this huge thing you’re already annoyed. And I can almost guarantee it will get worse as the days go on (six days is a very long time, especially when I’ve not got much of a life and too much time to think). But thanks for giving me the push I needed to actually ask her out, cause it worked out really well for me. I appreciate all your support. You’re a damn good ally 🏳️‍🌈

Onto some not great news, my mom got fired. I don’t know what all led up to it today, but I do what’s been happening this whole time and frankly it just sounds like a lot of discrimination against her. I hope she contacts a lawyer because I’m sure she’d have a good case that she could proceed with. Just hope things work out for her soon, I know she’s been applying to lots of jobs recently anyway cause she was feeling this was going to happen a while ago. So I just hope it works out for the better. There’s not much else I can do, really. I don’t think I could even pitch in for bills, or at least not much anyway, since I still have to pay for my own house and bills and food, etc., and sometimes the budget is kinda tight as it is (not like I’m getting a bunch of overtime every week in normal circumstances). But I’ll talk to her about it when I see her Wednesday, see if there’s a way I can help at all.

~8/1 (12am-1am)

I hope you’re having a wonderful time on vacation. It’s definitely hard not talking to you, since I have less to occupy my time. I have to keep reminding myself not to constantly refresh my tumblr waiting for a message from you 😅 got so used to it, it’s just a habit now, so I’m trying to break out of that for a while. Miss you a bunch already. But as long as you’re having fun and getting to rest and have a break, that’s what’s most important 🙂 can’t wait to hear about everything when you get back, I’m counting the days haha

Dad finally decided to re-watch the Saw movies with me, so we watched the first two today (or technically yesterday, I guess by this time). Hadn’t seen the first one in so long I’d kinda forgotten a lot of the little details, so it was cool to experience it again. I remembered a lot more of the second one, but it was still fun to watch again and relive it a bit. Dad and I were reminiscing about the first time we watched them when I was a kid (since the first Saw came out in 2004, and I was about 9-10 depending on what month we actually ended up watching it). Growing up we always bonded best over horror movies, because it was special getting to see them as a kid when nobody else you knew was allowed to watch that stuff, and if we were watching a horror movie I knew I wasn’t in trouble for anything and we weren’t going to fight, we’d just get snacks and enjoy the bloodshed. I recently came to that revelation in a therapy session a couple months back, that those memories and rare good times are a big part of what contributes to my love of horror and why it’s so special to me. Idk maybe I mentioned that before, I can’t remember. But in any case, watching the Saw movies again gives me those good memories and happy feelings. Which I guess is kinda weird when you consider how much gore there is in them. It is what it is now 🤷🏼‍♀️ and I know they’re not your thing, I’m not saying any of this to try to prod you into watching them. Just sharing the happy stuff, you know

But speaking of Saw, on that first day Bree and I were together when we were driving back from Cortez we were talking about horror and stuff, and I was talking about how much I love Saw, and she said she’s never seen any of them either. I was telling her how excited I was for the new one and she said “so you’re saying I have to catch up on all the others before we go see the new one together, right?” Which was so adorable/sweet, in my opinion. And gory stuff doesn’t bother her at all, so I think she’ll be fine watching them. So yeah I’m pretty sure I can get her to watch them with me soon, too. And frankly I’ll marathon Saw any damn day of the week, won’t ever say no to watching those movies (I really am sick in the head huh? 😂). But this I’m mentioning because I thought it was cute the way she talked about catching up, and insinuating that we’d go see the new one on a date. She’s wonderful 😊

~8/1 (6am-12am)

Didn’t sleep super great, again. I got to cuddle Jess for a while, which was nice, but I woke up pretty stiff/sore. Moved to the recliner but couldn’t really fall back to sleep, mostly just rest my eyes and stretched out there for about an hour and a half. I did have this very silly dream at some point though. You finally said you’d be ok exchanging phone numbers so we could just like text and stuff, and you said “I’ll give you one day to send me as many stupid TikToks as you want, but only one day and then we gotta limit it” so I just went fucking wild 😂 I swear I must have sent you like 150, which you were kind enough to watch and react to all of them. I think it took you like two hours to get through them all, but you did it. So that was just funny

Had my therapy session this morning, which went pretty well. I’m learning to be more positive and have good changes and growth, so he thinks I’m doing great overall. We’re finding that I’m really internalizing the lessons and tools we discuss in therapy, and using them to make changes to my life overall so that I’m living happier and healthier, whereas other patients have some trouble with that and need to focus to get those lessons to become more natural for them. I was doing it without even realizing it, so that’s great news. Sometimes I don’t recognize the positive changes I’ve made until we hold up the mirror for me to see, but at least they’re there. Next week we’re going to do a trauma intensive session where we really go through one traumatic event (in this case we’ll be discussing my homelessness) and work through that. It’s blocked out for 2 hours, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m kinda excited, really, cause I’ll finally get to purge so much of this shit stuck inside from going through all that.

Aside from just therapy I’ve had a rather full day (for me, anyway). I also had a different doctor’s appointment, then had to go to the post office and pharmacy. And at the post office they gave me the wrong package and I didn’t realize it at first, so once I caught that I had to go back in to get the right package instead. Finally home, it’s about 1pm now, and I’m just completely exhausted. Idk why but I feel so wiped out, and my eyes are so tired. I’m gonna try to take a nap in a bit, I think.

I hope you’re out doing a bunch of fun stuff, or maybe just getting to relax for a while since you need some rest, too. Ugh I miss you terribly. Is it Sunday yet? 😅

I took my nap and now I feel much better and more rested. I had some leftover chili cheese fries from the place we went to for lunch, which was even good cold 😋 and dad and I are planning to watch Saw 3 soon. Just gonna try to run through the whole series before the new one comes out, because I know he’s going to want to try to see it in theatres with me if he’s able. Have to see if he loses enough weight to be able to go to a theatre and handle walking around, stuff like that. But he did actually start his diet again recently, so hopefully he’ll stick to it and get healthier here little by little. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can with buying better food and such, so you know. Anyway, I digress, not gonna go on and on 

Speaking of Saw, I got my purse today! I haven’t opened the box yet, so I’ll write up another little update once I do, but at least I got the package and don’t have to keep tracking it all the time now. I’m super excited to switch everything into it now

Also found that if I word things in a certain way with my dad he’s much more receptive/supportive about things (at least as much as he can be). So if I just say something like “Bree and I are planning to go see these movies on Saturday, so I probably won’t be home until Sunday morning”, he won’t get upset about it and will just say “that’s good, you deserve to have fun.” It kind of bridges the gap between us now. We both know Bree is my girlfriend, but not saying it that way makes it easier for him to accept, I think. It’s not a perfect situation, and I don’t know that I’ll ever really get acceptance from him on this, but right now it’s progress and the best I can hope for. Some years ago it would have been a huge fight, and he would have kept prodding at me and bringing it up to yell at me and try to make me breakup with her, so I guess I can be thankful that he’s made enough strides in personal growth that it doesn’t have to be like that. I still do feel a little weird/nervous even mentioning her name, simply because the knowledge of the relationship is out there, and I worry it’ll trigger something and make him huff or say something rude. But so far that hasn’t happen, so I’m trying to let it go.

Oh this reminds me, swinging back to my therapy for a moment, my therapist was at first kinda shocked to hear about Bree. He was like “what? When did this happen? Who’s Bree?” And I had to laugh. I went through the whole thing, and I know I’ve mentioned her before but not like a ton since I’m always talking about myself, of course, so I guess he forgot her name in combination with how many other friends I’ve mentioned before. I had to explain how things just kind of fell together, because he was surprised I’d never mentioned these types of romantic feelings towards her or going on dates or anything. I had to keep being like “it just happened, bro, like a week ago” 😂 but in any case he thinks that is awesome, and a great positive change in my life and something to be proud of for stepping up and asking her out myself, which is really nice to hear

I was thinking about you a bit today (though when am I not, really? 😅), just in like wondering what you’re up to on vacation and stuff like that. I’ve got a vision of my head of you smiling and being happy, and that makes me smile to think of 🙂

I finally opened the package for my new purse and it looks amazing! I’ll send pics later on (when you’re back around here), but I’m really so happy with this purchase. It’s a lot bigger than I expected, since a lot of these novelty bags can be pretty small and barely hold anything inside. But this one has a decently large holding area, with a side pouch inside. I think I might even be able to still fit a book inside along with all my other things. I’ll have to try that tomorrow when I move everything else into it. Can’t wait to walk into work with this creepy ass purse, freak out the nurses 😂

Also got around to washing my hair. I know it’s kinda gross to wait so long, but I wanted to go a full week to let the color really set into my roots and let my natural oils come back into my scalp, since bleaching is pretty harsh. So far there’s been minimal leaking of the color during washing, and it still looks pretty vibrant even after using shampoo and conditioner and all that. The stylist I went to did a great job, I’ll probably go back to her the next time I want to do a color, too. I’m thinking maybe bright purple in November? For my birthday haha

~8/2 (12am-2:30am)

I’m super awake all of a sudden. I thought my warm shower would relax me, since I was doing all my nice skincare and stuff, but it seems to have done the opposite 😬 ah well, I suppose I can stay up a bit since I don’t have any specific time I need to go back to mom’s house, really. As long as I’ve got enough time to pack lunch before work I’m good. But I’ve been finding it so hard to sleep lately, so who knows what’ll happen, regardless of how I try to plan things out. Maybe I should try to go to mom’s early, that way I have time to talk to her about what happened with work and see if I can make her feel a little better or something 😕

Definitely not looking forward to work tomorrow, but then when am I ever? And I like my job, really. I’m just still kinda worn out in general, I think. I was doing so much on my mini vacation that I didn’t really have much time to rest at all. Would have been nice to have had a full day in the hotel, just ordering pizza or other takeout, watchinf something silly on tv, reading, all that good stuff. I’ll have to try to plan for that next time I get to do something like that. Work won’t be so bad, I guess. Only 3 days cause this is my short week, and then Saturday I’ll get to watch movies and have dinner with Bree, and I’m very excited for that, so I’ve got something to look forward to 😊 I’m gonna try to finish this book I’m on, too. I’ve got 3 days, should be fine to finish it out, especially since I am enjoying it. Oh and I should try to get caught up on one of my shows that started again recently… already putting too much on myself, and then I’ll end up doing nothing, so I should stop now and just breathe 😅

Sorry for babbling so much here, and in general. I know none of this stuff is really all that important, some of it’s probably kinda boring/annoying to you by now. It is pretty hard for me not to get to talk to you, so this is the easiest way for me to kind of fill that void. Though maybe expecting you to read all this isn’t really fair of me… but I know I’d forget so much of this if I just wanted to talk to you when you got back, especially with so much to catch up on and wanting to hear all about your trip and everything. And it would definitely be shitty if I were just spamming you all day while you’re off trying to have fun. But I still kinda feel like this big long message is a bit of a burden on you to try to read and respond to (not that I expect you to respond to every little thing, or even most of this, since a lot of this is just me talking or telling you a silly story). The thing is, I know you *will* read it. You’re the only person I can really trust to read everything I send to you, no matter what, which really means a lot to me. You always make me feel heard and appreciated and respected. I hope I do the same for you. And I think maybe because I know I can count on you for that, that’s why I feel a little guilty about doing this. Ah I don’t know. Just stuck in my feelings again, you know me. I’ve come too far now to stop or try to delete all this or anything, so I guess you’ll just have to deal with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

But also, I wanna say thanks for always making time for me. Even when you were super busy cleaning and getting everything ready before the vacation, you still took the time to talk to me every day when you could, and I can’t even really put into words how much that matters to me. Yeah I miss you, yeah I wish I could talk to you more often overall, but the weight of those actions overshadows the other stuff. I really am just glad to be a part of your life every day, and have you in mine. Wish I could hug you for real, but guess this’ll have to do 🫂

Idk why I’m all mushy right now. Though I guess this is how I usually am anyway, so not like you aren’t used to me. But still. I’ve been a little overwhelmed with emotions lately, dealing with a lot of stuff swirling around in my head and all that. I won’t get into it, I know you don’t want to hear about this, just saying it’s contributing to my being a little sweeter right now 😅 you do deserve to hear this stuff, though. You’re my best friend for a reason. You really are such a wonderful person, and I care very much for you.

Alright I’ll stop all that for now before I say something we’ll both regret ha

I’m trying this new sleep mask thing, not one of those ones that goes over your eyes but like a cream mask (skincare thing), it’s meant to be an overnight moisturizer. You apply a thin layer, rub into your skin, let it dry, leave it on all night, then rinse face in warm water in the morning. So it’s all dry and everything by now, and it’s already left my skin pretty soft and smooth. Some parts of my face can get pretty dry, but this makes everything feel evened out, which I really like. And it smells pretty cause it’s lavender and chamomile 😌

I am kinda hungry though, but I don’t have anything to snack on. I wish I had more chips and salsa, but I finished those off yesterday. I don’t really want to get out of bed, but I’m still gonna complain about wanting a snack 😂

~8/2 (1:30pm-6pm)

Ugh I’m so tired. I’ve barely slept at all. Didn’t get to bed until 2:30am, woke up at 7:30am, then was very in and out until about 11:30am. I tried laying around a bit, but it hasn’t worked, and my eyes just want to close. But I have to start getting ready to go to mom’s soon, and then also get ready for work and all that. I want to do some nice makeup today, but I’m also so tired I kinda wanna be lazy about that, so I’m in a debate with myself for it. I’ll probably end up doing it anyway, since I want to be able to use all that stuff I just bought as often as I can. But maybe I’ll do a really simple look today. Like just face stuff (foundation, contour/highlight, blush) and some quick eyeliner and mascara. Eh in any case I’ll take some pics to show you later on

I still have to switch everything to the new bag, too. Didn’t do it last night because I was being lazy, so now I’ll have to do it right before I leave. I guess that’s not so bad, shouldn’t take too long anyway.

I was having some weird dreams about being on Price is Right, probably cause I was hearing my dad watching it in the other room. In the dream I was part of the show, but more in the background? So not like a model presenting stuff directly. But there were these giant water tanks with fake coral on the stage now, behind all the games (or I guess the tanks were stable and the games got moved around in front of them) and me and two other people were hired to be “mermaids” in the tank, I guess to make the games exciting and look fun with the new setup. In real life there are shops where you can buy silicone mermaid tails that you can wear in pools and such, so in the dream we had those special tails to use for swimming in the tank. I remember mine being really colorful but I can’t remember the actual colors now, of course 😅 so basically I spent this dream swimming around a nice tank, waving at contestants and shit. Such a dumb dream, thought it might give you a little laugh

Got to my mom’s house around 3:45pm, so I got to talk to her for a bit. She told me the whole story about what happened with her getting fired, and she’s already contacted a lawyer, which is good. I feel bad, but there’s not much I can do aside from be encouraging/comforting/supportive. Things will work out as they’re meant to, I suppose.

She’s a little overbearing on the support of my relationship though, like she’s getting weird about certain things. Like I told her about me and Bree going out on Saturday and she says “I don’t mind if you bring her over, but you guys can’t be alone in your room together.” What, am I 12?? Not that we’re at that stage yet in the first place, but geez she doesn’t have to act like that either way. And then she says “I just don’t want other people enjoying sex in my house if I’m not able to partake anymore” (cause after her hysterectomy it’s too painful for her to do anything, I know I mentioned that before). I don’t know what to do about her 🤦🏼‍♀️ she’s still more accepting and everything than my dad, so I gotta put up with her, but still she’s bugging me a little bit

I did end up doing my makeup, so I’ll save some pics to send later on. I’m not so tired anymore, so that’s something. I packed up a lunch for work, but I’ll probably go grab something quick from McDonald’s before I go in, cause I’m hungry but too tired to make anything else.

Oh yeah, my mom asked if I had told you about Bree yet, basically insinuating that you might be jealous for some reason. I was like “who do you think encouraged me to ask her out?” which surprised her enough to shut her up. I slipped and told her I liked you one time, now I’ll never hear the end of it 😬

Bree texted me earlier and said people are talking about us at work. Of course the word’s gotten out already, since gossip spreads quick in the hospital. But it’s no big deal since we made it public and everything, so let ‘em talk. Someone told Bree congrats though, which is cute 😂

I did end up getting McDonald’s for a snack. I always order a Diet Coke, right. But at the window the girl’s said it was just Coke, so I politely said it was supposed to be Diet. She took it back and said she’d change it, gave me a new drink, it ends up being Coke anyway 🙄 it’s not a huge deal to have a regular coke here and there, I just really don’t care much for it. So I’m blaming you for this 😋

I wonder if we’re getting a storm coming through. I’m sitting in the McDonald’s parking lot and all of a sudden we got hit with these huge gusts of strong winds, and it stayed windy for about 5 minutes or so. It’s calmed down now, but still that was kinda weird

Almost time for me to go into work, sigh. And knowing I won’t get to talk to you at all just makes my work day that much more boring. At least when I’m obsessively checking tumblr for your messages it makes the time pass quicker 😅 I’m just joking around though, really. I’m sure it’ll be a good day

~8/2 (6pm-12am)

Figure I’ll break this up a bit today, since it was getting to be a long block of text up there before.

As I was walking in I could hear really loud thunder, and the wind picked up again. The sky is all gray and dark, too, I love it 😊 I just saw some lighting and it started to rain a few minutes ago, hopefully the rain will drive everyone away ha

Prudence is covering some shifts now that McKenna is gone. And it’s great that she’s helping out and everything, but at the same time she’s not really used to the way ER works, so there’s a lot I have to check up on to make sure they don’t need to be cleaned up. So far just a few things not done, like labeling the incoming faxes, but that’s really not a big deal. And I know she was frazzled from working something she doesn’t know well, but she said they had 6 patients today and that that was a lot… but I digress

I’m a little annoyed though cause the chair I’d been using has been moved. Tess brought it back here specifically for me, and it had been fine for a while, so there’s no reason it shouldn’t still be here. So now I gotta email Tess and see about getting it back, and hopefully I can get a bit comfortable in this other chairs and not wreck my back today ☹️

Idk why but I’m like burning up today. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time to sit and let my body regulate, cause I’ve had to do some paperwork and stuff already at work here. Or maybe it’s the pound of makeup on my face 😂 in any case, I feel muggy and it’s gross. I’m gonna drink some water and see if that helps.

I hope it’s not too hot where you are right now. Though I suppose if you stayed anywhere in the south then it’s bound to be hot no matter what 🤔 but I hate being hot and sweaty on vacation, cause then I’m just uncomfortable and cranky the whole time, so I hope you’re not going through that kind of thing right now cause that would not be fun. Or maybe you’ve been indoors a lot, and then it wouldn’t really matter how hot it is outside if you’re in nice AC 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m just babbling away cause I’m bored, you know how it goes. Not much to do right now aside from waiting for Bree to come see me after her shift ends. I’ve got half a mind to jokingly ask her if she wants to kiss in the rain 😅 but I don’t want to make her too uncomfortable since we are at work still

Georgia’s birthday is coming up on 8/5, but I’m hearing that there’s already cake somewhere around the ER 👀 I’m gonna have to go hunt it down and have a little piece soon

The whole quitting smoking thing has been going pretty well, for the most part. It’s harder when I’m driving or about to go to work, cause that’s when I’d smoke most often, so that’s when I feel the cravings a bit more. Or if I see someone smoking (like on tv or a movie or whatever; for example, there’s some minor smoking scenes in Saw and that made me want one pretty bad) then I tend to want a cigarette moreso since it’s a visual association. But otherwise it’s not awful. I don’t have too hard of a time pushing those thoughts away and distracting myself from the cravings and such. It is still a bit difficult trying to remove it from my psyche in the sense of it being like such a huge part of my personality and things like that, but I think I’m doing ok with that right now.

Idk what’s going on but I heard Krissy say “I’m sorry, I got seduced by the cottage cheese!” So that’s fun out of context

Speaking of, I don’t know how Krissy is still here. She never seems to have a day off, this one. At this point we should just dedicate one of the rooms to her so she can rest when her shift is done 😂

I was taking care of some things I needed to handle for college coming up at the end of this month, and my student loans don’t cover the full amount of my tuition for this semester. I’m thinking I may need to drop 1-2 classes of the 4 I’m enrolled in, which would make my academic journey take longer, but could be more affordable. Cause how am I gonna come up with $1700 by the 16th?? That’s how much is left over after my loans pay out. My mom suggested looking into payment plans or trying to get a student loan with my bank, so I guess I’ll look into all that this weekend. Just sucks, the way things were estimated when I was first applying/enrolling seemed like the loan would be just enough to cover everything, maybe a couple hundred bucks I’d have to throw in. I suppose if I do have to give up some classes I can put off like Nutrition and Balancing Work and Family, since I wasn’t super excited for those anyway, and they were mostly credit courses to take off some prerequisites for my eventual majors. Not like I can’t just take them some other time. As long as I can keep creative writing and Geology I think I’ll be happy with that, because then I’m still making progress towards what I want to do for my Bachelor’s eventually (well, sort of anyway; Geology isn’t really part of Health Science, but is still a science, so I’m counting it). Ugh I should have been born into generational wealth. Fucking poor parents that I’m stuck with 🙄

Bree came to spend time with me, of course. We had a nice time just hanging out together. We always end up laughing and telling each other silly stories. And we try not to be too PDA at work, for obvious reasons, but we keep the door between me and the nurses closed when she’s here, and try to talk a little quieter, so we held hands for a minute when she’d first come by, and before she left I got a full on hug and it felt so wonderful. Not just the human contact, but the closeness to my partner and the love in the hug. I got some butterflies just from that 🥰 and she knows about my need to confirm things a bunch of times and all that, so she actively talked about our Saturday plans with that positive confirmation, and said she was super excited to go out that day, which really made me feel special. I have a lot of trouble with feeling like I’m bothering people or being too pushy or overbearing or whatever, especially when I have to ask them about confirming plans, and I always have that question of “do they really want to spend time with me” in the back of my head, but she always makes it so clear that she wants to be with me and spend time with me and all of that, and it really just fills my heart with so much joy.

Ah sorry for babbling about Bree again. I’m just having a moment over here 😅 haven’t been in a relationship in so long, and the last person I was with wasn’t all that great during the relationship anyway, so I’m not used to kind treatment. It short circuits me a little bit, because there’s also that part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to be treated so nicely. But I’m starting to work through that little by little. Anyhow, I can’t say it won’t happen again, because we both know that it will. Obviously I’ll be giving you every detail of what happens Saturday, too 😂 but I’ll try to keep it on a minimum until then haha

~8/3 (12am-6am)

Tim’s working this week, and Krissy was only doing a half shift tonight so she left at midnight. She’s finally getting like 5 days off, poor thing has been working a crazy schedule for weeks now. But anyway, the ER is empty and Dr Reay is in the Doc Box, so it’s just me and Tim in here. He’s at his desk at the nurse’s station, but it’s directly behind me, so every so often we’ll just kinda yell something to each other 😂 mostly just hanging around and doing our own thing though, and it’s very comfortable

We were also hearing that search and rescue got called out for someone on a river around here. Idk who was out doing river activities after midnight, but of course they were gonna get swept away 🙄 but search and rescue found them, which is good, and hopefully they’re ok and won’t need to come around here

I think my TikTok gave up on my algorithm cause at this point it’s all just masked dudes 😅 not that I’m really complaining about that or anything, just saying it’s kinda funny that I broke TikTok and turned my page into this. I did discuss these videos with Bree, and she doesn’t mind me watching them still. Which maybe I mentioned that before, I can’t remember now. But it’s nice that she doesn’t care, cause I don’t know how I’d get it to reset at this point 😳

And I’ll say what I’m always saying: I miss you so much. Work really is harder to get through without getting to talk to you, or even just message you with the knowledge that you’ll see my message the next day and I’ll get to talk to you later on. I’m just so bored and have very little to occupy my time. TikTok is fun but it can get boring after a while, too. And I have my book but I tend to get distracted while reading lately. My mind is always wandering and it goes places I don’t always want it to go, so that’s not great. And I have trouble just sitting and watching something. I have to move my hands and fidget in some way, so I end up going on my phone and then missing parts of the plot. So I’m just having a blah kind of time in general. And I’m also jealous cause you don’t have to work this week, and I wish I didn’t have to work because I’d definitely like some more time to rest/relax right now. I’m pretty sleepy right now, honestly. Hopefully that’ll make me sleep better when I get back home, but still. I knew not getting to talk to you would be difficult for me, but damn this is starting to hurt 😅 that means you’re stuck with me forever then, now you’re definitely not allowed to ever leave me or not be friends with me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ok in all seriousness though, I know the way I’m talking makes it sound like it’s all about me. But I honestly am happy that you’re off having a good time and getting a vacation and all that. You really did need a break, can’t think of anyone more deserving of some time away than you. I just like to talk, and typing this up helps fill my time and keep me occupied/awake. And I guess I’m a little worried that you won’t come back on here or talk to me anymore now that you haven’t had to put up with me for a while. I feel like I pressure you in some way to talk to me every day when you are here, or like it’s becoming an obligation you have to fulfill. I’m always worried that I’m being annoying or overbearing or whatever else I’m being, since I don’t know how to shut my damn mouth. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth or saying that you actually feel that way, I just always have it in the back of my head that at some point you could feel that way, if that makes sense.

Bleh ok enough of this serious nonsense for now. Im not trying to bring the mood down or anything. I know you’re not gonna want to read all this moody crap after a nice vacation, so I’m trying to limit all this. Just get stuck on those 3am thoughts, you know? But we’re moving on.

Tim offered to make us some coffee in a bit here, so that’s nice of him. I don’t know how to use the fancy coffee machines in the break room anyway, since they’re like espresso makers or some shit. Do you think it’s a good idea to have a double shot at 3am? Maybe if I dilute it with enough cream and sugar it’ll be fine 🤔

Tim showed me how to use all the fancy coffee machines, they’re actually not as complicated as I thought they’d be, they just look a little intimidating at first. I don’t really drink coffee very much, but nice to have the option. But Tim found one of Caitlin’s old mugs in the cupboard and of course I’m having to use hers 😂 but we both kinda got to gripe about her, so that was fun. Tim is super nice though, he won’t outright say anything mean about anyone, which is a lovely quality in a person. Anyhow, I did use up a bunch of cream and sugar but the coffee tastes pretty good. A little bitter, but not terrible. And caffeine really doesn’t affect me very much, so I’ll still be able to sleep when I get home. Also they found that person on the river and they’re fine, don’t need medical attention or anything, just need to get somewhere dry. I’m glad that all worked out for the best.

I found some of the good chairs floating around in front of the nurse’s station (and I usually never have to walk around there, so I wonder if they were there all day and I just didn’t see them). So thankfully I’ve got one now, but it’s 4am and my back is already half wrecked. At least I’ve got some relief for the moment

Tim and I got to chat for about an hour, just full on sitting and talking to each other. Which we don’t do super often for some reason. I think we just got so comfortable with each other that we don’t really need to have long conversations often. But he’s nice to talk to cause we do get along really well, especially when it’s just us two around here. After that he had to do stocking in some of the rooms, and I had to do my paperwork. But as he’s stocking one of the big trauma rooms in front of our areas he calls me over telling me to help him count all the outlets in that room. Turns out one of the new trauma rooms has 52 outlets, and the other has 48. For what purpose?? We’re such a small hospital, I don’t think we even have enough machines to plug into those outlets all at one time. And there’s no reason a patient would need that many things at once anyway, so it’s grossly unnecessary. We were laughing about it because we have all these outlets but no bathroom on this new side of the ER. The things that get overlooked in planning, you know? Just wild

~8/3 (4pm-12am)

Woke up with my back basically in shards. That chair I had to use most of last night really did a number on me. And Tess had texted me to ask if we could meet up when I got to work later, so I guess she’s going to come talk to me around 6pm or so when I clock in. I don’t know what she wants, and I usually get along with Tess very well, but I have a feeling that she’s going to bring up what happened with my mom, and I don’t really want to discuss that with someone in management. But we’ll just have to see what happens. Maybe she just wants to see my hair, since she’s one of the only people who hasn’t seen it yet after giving me the ok for it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bree texted me some cute little drawings/comics of cows, so that was very pleasant to wake up to 🥰

This morning mom told me she had leftover spaghetti in the fridge, so I’ll get to have that before I go to work, which is awesome. I’ve been craving spaghetti anyway so that works out great 😋

Just had the spaghetti and it was really good. Kinda wish there was more cause I’m still a bit hungry 😅

I had to upload on ibuprofen when I woke up, since my back was hurting so bad. And I took an extra Prednisone. I’ve been able to rest in my chair here for a little bit (still at mom’s house) so I feel a bit better now, hopefully it gets better as the night goes on.

I was dreaming about Bree and I going out on Saturday, and I woke up all sad that I still had to wait a couple days to be able to do that 😂

I also got to cuddle Ty for a bit. He gave me some kisses on my nose. He doesn’t really like to be held/cuddled so much anymore with how sick and grumpy he is all the time, but sometimes he likes when I pick him up and cradle him for a few minutes. My mom gets a little jealous though cause he doesn’t really let her do that anymore ha

Pre-season football apparently starts today, which I just found out when I woke up. But the preseason game that’s on tonight has teams I don’t care about, so guess I still won’t be watching it. Unless Erika wants me to bring it up at work so that all of us can wander in and watch while dealing with patients and such. I’ve done that for her before. I just hope I get to see my Seahawks play this season, I didn’t really get to see many of their games last year, or many games in general. So I’m gonna try to stay more on top of it this year if I can. Last year we were so busy around the hospital that even when I could pull up games it was hard to keep up since we’d get so many patients and have to run around doing things. But this year we’ve been oddly slower for several weeks, and if it keeps trending this way then I should be fine to watch most of the games that play during my work week (like Thursday night football).

Tess did come around for a while. We talked very briefly about what happened with my mom. I tried to keep it kinda shut down, just saying we don’t really talk about work much at home and that she’s just trying to move on, stuff like that. But Tess wanted to assure me that my job is secure and nothing is going to happen to me or my stepdad, so that’s something. We also discussed some new processes for the clerks to handle, most of which is just redundant. If our cash box stays at $200 and doesn’t get opened or used or anything during the course of a shift, what’s the point of filling out and turning in a stupid little slip just to say nothing changed? Seems pointless unless we actually do have something change, like taking a payment from a patient or needing to take out money from the box for a cab or whatever, and then those things have other specific forms to fill out anyway, so it just seems like a lot of hullabaloo to me. But I’ll do it anyway, because I’m supposed to 😬

At least talking to Tess took up about an hour, so only 11 more to go now. Tim is working this week, so I can talk to him if I get bored. And Brandi is back, too, and since things were getting better between us last time she was here I might try to start up a conversation about books or something when we’re a bit calmer. I’m pretty sure there’s still cake in the breakroom, too, so maybe I’ll grab a piece later on. So far seems like just a normal day, which I guess is better than an abnormal day 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder what you’re up to right now 🤔 I know you’ll tell me later, but I’m still trying to figure out where you went, so my mind is coming up with random images trying to piece it together. Idk why but I kinda have an image of you next to some kind of famous statue, flexing as you lean against it, something like that. Would love to see you in some kind of silly hat. I’m not sure why that’s what came to me just now, but I think it’d be funny to see this big tough guy in like Mickey Mouse ears or something 😂 well wherever you are I hope you’re staying hydrated, wearing sunscreen, all the good stuff. Maybe next time you’ll take a vacation out here in Utah, hmm? 😉 just messing with you. I’d love to get to hang out with you someday, of course, but I don’t know that you’d like it much out here. It’s kinda boring unless you really love hiking/camping/outdoor shit. The only fun you’d really have out here would be getting to see me, but then I’m even more annoying in real life and you’d probably be sick of me after ten minutes 😅 but still, maybe one day I’ll get to see you for real 😊

Ugh just had a patient’s husband come in, saying he was here to pick up his wife. So frankly he should have just waited in the lobby the five minutes it would have taken for her to come out since she was already discharged. But he asked if he could just come back to the room to see her and walk her out, and that’s all fine, so I let him in and show him what room she’s in. And then he gets all huffy, saying like “what kind of hospital is this? You don’t keep track of your patients?” I explained that we recently renamed a lot of the rooms due to construction, so I confirmed which room it was and said that the nurses told me which room she was assigned to. He’s still all upset, “well, she’s not in there. And she was discharged so she shouldn’t be anywhere else.” And then she walks out of the bathroom and comes over to him 🙄 but do I get an apology? Do I get an acknowledgement that we were doing everything right and she was simply using the restroom before leaving? No, of course not. He and his wife just leave, and he still seems to be in a pissy mood. Almost seemed like he was angry with his wife for being in the ER at all, but that’s not my business. I hate these kinds of assholes, so quick to blame us for nothing, but never admitting they’re wrong 😡

Bree came by to see me, but only very briefly cause she was tired. Apparently they were pretty busy in the lab today. So she just gave me a hug and said she was gonna dip out pretty quick. I was definitely a little 🥺 but I understand that she needs time to rest and everything, too. And she said she’ll bring tea over tomorrow to spend time with me at work, so that’s nice. We quickly discussed plans for date night Saturday, about like when we wanted to get dinner around the movies’ schedules, got that all settled. I’m so excited, I get tingly little butterflies just thinking about the upcoming date haha. But the only problem with Bree not staying to hang out with me is that now I have even more time to try to occupy on my own, but not much to do. I am trying to finish this book in the next two days, though, so maybe with this extra time I can get a bit farther in. We shall see

We’ve got a suicidal patient, so the social workers from 4 Corners have to be here, which would be fine if they didn’t have to use my office for things 😬 but since I have an extra computer and more space compared to the nurse’s station or anywhere else at least one of the social workers has to be here in my cubby. So I can’t close the door to eat or watch my shows privately. But at this point I don’t really care so much. I’m too hungry to wait until they’re gone, and I’ve got my show playing very quietly with subtitles on so I don’t bother anyone. Still kinda sucks though, cause I hate not having my own space. But at least that patient is getting help, which is much more important

The show I was watching had some sexual content in it, not like nudity or anything, but talking about getting fucked and such. And with everyone around I thought hmm maybe that’s a bit inappropriate for the work place. So I turned it off, then went through the channels on Hulu to see that Saw 2 was playing, and I put that on instead. Because somehow the gore and death seems more appropriate than talking about sex 😂 and I proceeded to eat my cup of noodle ramen while watching someone try to make a decision about whether or not to cut out their own eye to survive. I think maybe there is something wrong with me after all 🤷🏼‍♀️

~8/4 (12am-7am)

Been a rather boring night. Only had 2 patients all day, thankfully. We do like it quiet around here. I was on TikTok for a bit, but it got boring after a while. Still kind of neglecting my reading, but I did try to get through more of the book. I managed alright, decent enough progress, but my mind wandered away again, so I got stuck in a daydream for a good 15 minutes or so. But earlier I got to sit around talking with Brandi and Tim, which was actually pretty nice, and passed quite a bit of time. And I did get some cake earlier, which was pretty good. The chocolate cake was all gone, of course, so I had a small piece of the yellow cake with vanilla buttercream, and I liked it quite a bit. It was a nice treat. I guess Georgia won’t be here until next weekend, which is why they had all the cake and everything done the other day. I’m gonna see if I can get her a card to give her next week.

I’m pretty tired now, like my eyes just want to close on me. But I know the second I get home I’ll be wide awake, go figure. I’m gonna try to go to bed a bit earlier, but we’ll see how that goes

I know I’m getting repetitive by now, but I’m really missing you pretty badly at the moment. It’s like you’re haunting me, since I’m still thinking about you a lot. Who knew I’d get so used to the constant contact. I kinda feel like I’m withering away over here, just waiting for you to come back. Which sounds really dumb, I know 😅

I say I’m trying not to push it or be overly gushy or whatever and then here I am almost every other paragraph saying how much I miss you and can’t wait to talk to you again. At least you know I care about you, so that’s something right? 🤷🏼‍♀️ But I swear the days feel longer and the hours go slower when I don’t get to talk to you every day. It became such a habit that having it taken away is like having someone put me on a manual reset. Like I’ve just got this ache in my chest.

Alright, have I made enough of a fool of myself for one day? Man, I sound ridiculous, don’t I? I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop now. I just get so emotional all the time and have so much to say. Why’d I have to get stuck with this overly talkative gene? Why can’t I be mysterious and secretive? Nah, I gotta communicate too much, make everyone uncomfortable 😬

You’re just a wonderful person and I value your presence in my life. I think I took it for granted a little bit, always having you around, and I didn’t realize how much I rely on our connection to get me through the day until it was gone for this little while here.

You’re gonna come back to all this and wonder what the hell’s wrong with me, I just know it 😮‍💨

~8/4 (8am)

Extra little tidbit here. I was planning to go to bed early because I really was tired when I got home, but then of course mom and I started talking and hanging out like we always do. Somehow things took a serious turn, something got triggered in my mind, and we both end up crying and holding hands and all this shit, talking about our traumas and whatnot. Which neither of us expected this morning, but I know with her losing her job she’s probably got a lot of emotional issues pent up, and I’ve always got bullshit building up in my head, so I guess we just needed to cry together. We both feel fine now, for the most part

Before the crying, we did talk about relationships and things like that. We talked about Bree and how I’m feeling in the relationship so far, my thoughts about how it’s progressing, all that stuff. And my mom truly is fully supportive of this relationship, so it’s very easy to talk to her about everything in my head. But she then says to me “make sure you clean your car before you go out, that way if you two want to make out later it won’t be gross” so you know I just can’t escape these things 🤦🏼‍♀️

~8/4 (4pm-12am)

Woke up almost feeling like I didn’t sleep at all, even though I know I did because I still remember having some dreams (don’t remember what they were now, but still). I feel a bit better now cause I’ve been moving around and everything. But I’m planning to try and rest my eyes a bit at work tonight anyway, since I won’t be able to sleep much tomorrow before date night. We’ll see how it all works out

I got a hilarious video of my mom singing Slipknot. I don’t know if videos can send, but I definitely wanna try to find a way to show it to you because it’s hilarious 😂 so remind me about that later

Speaking of my mom, she already got another job. Not even a week later and she’s already moving on. She’s gonna be teaching first grade at the local elementary school, which is great because she loves teaching and didn’t want to try to go back into health care. It’s a bit of a pay cut, but they won’t have to leave Moab or commute or anything like that. I don’t envy her having to deal with all those kids, though 😅 and she’s still gonna find an attorney to deal with all the shit that happened at the hospital, which I keep prodding her about to make sure she actually does it.

I cleaned out my car, sort of. I wasn’t able to get like every single bit of trash in the backseat, cause I’d have to move my jumper cables and other things back there, and my back was already starting to hurt from bending and leaning in, so I had to stop after a while. But it looks better than before cause a lot of the big trash items are out now, and it’s a bit clearer overall. I should go try to get it vacuumed or something, since there’s crumbs and stuff everywhere in the front, but I know I won’t have time tomorrow, so it’ll have to just be ok. I don’t think Bree will care or say anything, but still, I feel kinda bad about it. At the very least it’ll smell nice, since I have my scent clip on, and I’ll spray some Febreeze on the seats before I leave tomorrow, so that’s one thing. And I’m still happy with the progress I made on it overall, since I am more limited in what I’m able to do anyway 😊 and Robert helped me put on my new steering wheel cover, which is covered in rhinestones and very pretty, so that’ll be distracting tomorrow, too haha

Last night some guy on here sent me a chat, and I responded, and then they blocked me. So like what was even the point of sending me a message in the first place? Coulda left me alone completely and saved us all a hassle 🙄

Don’t know yet what the day will hold, since at the moment I’m typing this up before work. But lately we’ve only had like 2-3 patients and then nothing all night, plenty of time to just hang out and relax and do nothing. I’m really hoping it stays that way again, since I am not in the mood to be doing shit today. I wanna enjoy my pizza and some shows and TikTok and read and close my eyes for like an hour. Just gotta get through this shift and then I can start my weekend. 4 days off, since this is my short week, and I don’t have much to do on Sunday or Monday aside from help dad with some social security/disability paperwork stuff, so I’ll actually get to just rest for a while. And of course I’ve been talking a lot about how excited I am for date night tomorrow, so that’ll be a great start to the weekend 🥰 and Tuesday I have that intense therapy session, which I’m actually pretty excited for because I just wanna get this shit out of me, you know? But I think now I’m just repeating myself again, since I have nothing else to really talk about yet. So sorry if this has been annoying 😅

Welp, I’m at work now, so far nothing going on. But it’s only like 6:45 so the night is young. Bree said she’s still coming by to hang with me for a while, so I’m getting pizza for both of us 😊 and I’m just listening to Dr Scherer and the nurses talk about bad doctors/nurses who used to work here. They’re all reminiscing and laughing, and while I’m not really part of it (and kinda don’t feel comfortable trying to jump in since I haven’t been here as long as them) it’s still fun to hear about all the old drama haha

We did have one patient come in just now from Urgent Care, but that’s not such a big deal. And since they already got his info in the system I have very little left to do for him, which is nice.

I’m definitely going to try to finish that book tonight. I want to be able to grab a new one this weekend when I’m at my house, and I don’t think I’ll have much time to read tomorrow since Bree and I will be out for a long time, so guess it’s gotta be today haha. I suppose I could try to finish it Sunday, if I have to, but still the goal will be to do it tonight. But let’s see if that actually happens 🤞🏻

Hope you’re having fun doing whatever you’re doing. I’ve been thinking about you (obviously), mostly just to hope you’re enjoying yourself and having a good time. I’m still wishing for a picture of you smiling and looking happy for once, so I hope you didn’t forget to take one 😂 and while I feel bad that your vacation time is almost up and you’ll have to come back to reality soon (cause that always sucks), I am also soooo excited to get to talk to you again soon. I’m damn near counting the minutes 😅

~8/5 (12am-7am)

I’m writing this up after midnight, so figured I’d just break it up a bit so it wouldn’t end up being such a long block of text.

Bree came over to hang with me at work around 8:30pm. I had the pizza and everything ready for us, so that we wouldn’t have to bother with ordering later on. Thankfully not much has been going on today aside from a few things here and there, so we had a long time to just keep the door closed and spend time together. It was really sweet, she brought over her whole traditional Chinese tea set so we could basically have a tea party together 🥹 I have some pics of the tea setup I can send later on. But she showed me how to properly steep the tea, and the traditional practices of brewing and “washing” the tea before drinking, and it was really cool. I also love tea and things like that, so it was awesome to be able to share it together. And those teas can get a lot of steeping out of them. We were using small porcelain cups that don’t hold much tea, since it was more of a tasting type thing than actually like sitting with a whole mug to drink, so we must have had like 20 little cups worth between the two teas we were trying. Both were very good, and very different in flavor, I really enjoyed both of them. Then after we had pizza and watched Bob’s Burgers for a while. She just left a little bit ago, we’re both gonna end up on TikTok for a while ha.

But just the fact that she wanted to have tea with me, so she packed up her whole set and brought everything over to the hospital to set it up and share it with me… I can’t describe at all how special that makes me feel. I can’t believe someone would go to that kind of trouble just for me. And it’s not even trouble to her, since she wants to do it, but still. I’m gonna be a little awestruck for a while 😅

We both have the same kind of like passion and intensity about things, too. In a sense it’s like we’re all in, you know? But it’s just sweet cause I’m the type that loves to take pics and share those memories, and she is too, so when I wanted to take a picture to commemorate our tea time she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So I have some silly pics of her and I smiling and holding up our tea cups that I shared around. Just one more thing I appreciate, being able to enjoy taking pics and posting them and share my life and happiness, knowing she wants to do the same thing.

She also brought us some little fancy chocolates! She stopped off at a candy store before coming over just so we could have a sweet treat with tea time. So thoughtful I could cry 😭

I don’t think I’ve been this happy… maybe ever, to be honest. And as much as I truly love men (let’s be real, y’all are so damn hot), every day I start to feel more and more like “I’m so happy I’m not with a man.” And it’s nothing against men in general or anything like that. I’m not one of those people that hates men or thinks men are awful or whatever. Idk how to describe it. It’s just like… a guy would never think to bring me a tea party, you know? That kind of thing. Plus Bree is androgynous enough that if she wore a mask for me it would probably translate decently enough to work up my kink 🤔 not the point, just something I was thinking about before 😂

Anyway I’ll try to stop babbling now, sorry. Just been a really great night so far, couldn’t wait to share all the details with you 😅 and tomorrow we have the bigger date so you’ll be hearing all about that, too. I know I won’t be able to keep it on a minimum, so I’ll just apologize in advance.

I did manage to finish my book. Took me about 2 solid hours, I think? Or maybe an hour and a half. In any case, I had a nice block of time to just sit and read it all through, and it was pretty good. I really enjoyed the story and I felt it was decently unique. Which is really nice since I was looking forward to it for a long time, and I’d heard a bunch about it on TikTok and stuff, so I’m glad it was a good one in the end.

I don’t know why, but I’m all keyed up right now. Feel like my heart is really pumping and I kinda just want to move around for a minute. And that’s not great, since I really need to try to sleep right away when I get home (it’s like 5:50am right now, almost off shift), since I have to get up at 1pm to get ready for date night. But the good news is that Bree’s house is only about ten minutes from my mom’s, and it’s a straight shot down one road until I turn onto her street, so it’ll be quick and easy to find. I’m definitely gonna be wound up with nervous energy as soon as I wake up, though. Hopefully I can get my makeup on properly, since when I get these feelings I tend to get a little shaky too 😅

Oh but I dug around in some bags in the closet at my mom’s house and ended up finding my little bottle of my favorite perfume. It’s Romance by Ralph Lauren, I’ve loved this scent for so many years, but it’s super expensive and so I’ve not really gotten to wear it much at all. Dad had bought me a small bottle for Christmas in like 2020 (when I first started my lab job and was getting paid exorbitant amounts of money and the hotel we moved into on a more stable basis was dirt cheap to try to get business in because of covid), and even that was about $60, so I wear it very sparingly. I’ve still got roughly half the bottle left, and only need a tiny bit since it’s a strong scent and lasts for quite a while. Plus now that I’m not smoking anymore nothing will mask the scent of the perfume itself. So I’m definitely gonna wear it today for the date.

It’s absolutely killing me not to talk to you. Look at all this nonsense I’ve had pent up to tell you, and how much I’m still going on 😅 ugh I need feedback and encouragement and support and for you to remind me not to be so nervous with Bree since she already likes me and I have nothing to prove (and yeah clearly I can tell myself that, but it just doesn’t sink as well if it’s not you saying it). Guess I gotta wing it on my own for the date tonight huh? 😬 But I suppose I’ve been doing fine this whole time, so that’s something. Ah I just miss you, I can’t not say it. Hurry up and get back on here already 😮‍💨

Well, writing all my silly little thoughts like this is at least somewhat helpful. Sorry you gotta read it all, but I did warn you about that beforehand 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anywho, I remember some months back I’d told you a little story about how I tried to say goodnight to the nurses as I was leaving one morning and not a single one even looked at me, and it was upsetting. Well even progress has been made in those respects, because today before I left I said goodbye to the nurses at the station (who all happened to be crowded right near the doorway between our area anyway, I think there were like 4 of them there) and instantly Tim stopped talking to them to acknowledge me and say goodnight, which made some of the other nurses do the same thing. Good guy Timmy to the rescue. He’s such a wonderful person to work with and have around, and he treats everyone so kindly. I’m always happy when I get to work with him, and that’s partially for reasons like this. It made me flashback to that moment a couple months ago and kinda smile and feel better to see these small changes. And maybe it’s just because it was Tim, or because they were right next to me and couldn’t reasonably say they didn’t hear me, or whatever other reason. But it was nice all the same.

And I just realized I forgot to take the call sheets down to Med Surg. Even though I still don’t know what they need them for since they don’t use them to call anyone in an actual emergency anyway, that’s the ER clerk’s job. But whatever, I hope Dani doesn’t give me any fuss about it later 🤦🏼‍♀️ ah well can’t do anything about it now anyway. And Dani’s been a lot easier to deal with lately too, much more personable and friendly towards me, so she probably won’t say anything about it. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

Have you ever known Vitamin D caps to like fuse together? I got a bottle of the gel cap type pills from Walmart, the nephrologist said I need to up my intake to keep my levels up since I have trouble with Vitamin D depletion and that’s not good for the kidneys. I opened them up today since I finished my old bottle yesterday, and I swear all the fucking pills are completely fused together. It’s like the gel is melted to each other or something. Maybe because of the heat? Or maybe that’s normal for these types of pills? It’s fucking weird though. I had to literally stab at the blob with the end of a makeup brush to try and carve one off the top to take with my morning meds. Don’t know what all to do about that.

~8/5 (1pm)

Just woke up to get ready for the date. Fuck man I’m so jittery right now, even though I’m also still a little bit tired. But the moving around and the nervous energy are definitely keeping me awake, so that’s something. Trying to just breathe and take things one step at a time, but I’m so like overly excited that it’s like my spine is tingling 😅 ah I wish you were here for all this in real time, I know you’d be able to calm me down ha. And it’s not even like a big thing, just a couple movies and dinner, normal stuff right? I see her all the time, and was even with her last night, so it’s not like we’ve had absence or distance in trying to build things up. So why am I so shaky?? Ugh this is so new to me. My ex and I would usually just go to bars. I think he had me over to his apartment like one time, and he was over at my mom’s old place one time. We’d either go to bars or hang out in his car, and at the time that was like the pinnacle of dating to me. I was so stupid back then (I’m still stupid now too, but differently). This whole thing with Bree feels so completely different from everything I’ve ever done, I don’t know how to deal with it I guess.

In any case, you’ll hear all the details here later on. But if I take too much time writing this I’ll be late, so toodles for now! 😊

~8/5 (10pm)

Ughhhhh I wish you were here right now my guy. I have so much shit I wanna tell you and it’s gonna take a minute to type everything out and I want you to get hyped up with me 🥺 but I’ll just have to write this up and wait for you to read it to get excited I suppose

Just got back a little bit ago from date night. I would have typed this up sooner, but I had to do my grocery pickup order, which took a minute. Anyway, we had a wonderful time. I met her grandma, and she was very sweet to me. She liked me right away and made jokes and such, so we had a pleasant first meeting. I wanted to see Bree’s cat, but he was hiding for a while cause he’d hurt his paw earlier and was a little wary since I was a new person. Only stayed there for about 15 minutes at first so Bree could finish getting ready before we left.

It was so cute, the first thing Bree said when she opened the door was that my makeup looked so pretty, and the first thing I said was that she looked adorable in the black dress she was wearing. I didn’t know how she might decide to dress for the day, with her being non-binary she has a wide range of styling. So today was a more femme day. She had a black dress and these big jewelry pieces (necklace, earrings, ring) that all matched cause they were like this vintage turquoise stuff. You’ll see when I send pics later. And she did some makeup too, but not nearly as much as me 😅

We went to see Barbie first. Got us some popcorn and sodas, but it was too much popcorn for either of us so she ended up saving the rest for her grandma, which was fine with me because then at least someone was eating it. And we both really liked the movie. It did go a little hard on the feminism angle, but it was enjoyable either way. I ended up crying by the end. Bree was surprised, quietly asking if I was ok, and I had to explain to her that I literally cry over everything, especially if it shows things about the beauty of the human condition and feelings and community, all that good stuff. She put her hand on my leg and I held her arm and we just kinda cuddled together while the movie wrapped up and I sobbed 😂 but it was a cute moment

Went to dinner at this restaurant called The Spoke. She said it would be best to park across the street and walk over, since there’s minimal parking nearby the actual restaurant and it’s easier that way. And she had me hold her arm the whole way there and back (which is perfect since she’s a bit taller than me) 🥰 food was good, I had a pasta dish I liked. It had sliced fresh cherry tomatoes, which I’ve never liked before but decided to try now since it’s been years, and they were actually really good! So maybe I kinda like fresh tomatoes now 🤷🏼‍♀️ but we also got some Oreo shakes for dessert, which was nice 😋

But right as we were finishing up, thankfully had already paid and everything, the power went out for the whole city. At first we thought maybe it was just the one block/street/whatever; but then some updates on Facebook were saying it was a downed power line and took out all of Moab, and it could be like 3 hours to fix it. So no way were we gonna be able to see Haunted Mansion like we’d planned, which kinda was a bummer cause I really want to see that movie. But with the power out she said she had to stop back home real quick to check on her grandma and make sure the portable oxygen tank was set up for her, so we did that. Oddly enough their house had power when we pulled up. Then we just hung around there for a bit to give her grandma some company and let us get to know each other more. Her grandma seemed very happy to have company over, and we got along well. We were sitting at their kitchen table and on the wall nearby her grandma has this big shelved collection of adorable salt and pepper shakers in all different shapes and such, like cows and pumpkins, so we talked about that a bit. And Bree’s cat finally came out to investigate, and then he absolutely adored me. Guess I must have pet him in all the right spots cause he kept coming up to rub against my legs and my hand, have me scratch his little chin and belly. He was so soft and fat and cute, I loved him instantly haha

We were trying to decide what else to do, since it was still pretty early. Settled on taking a little drive around, so we got back in my car and started driving straight down the one road nearby. She was telling me about how to get to some of the hiking trails and other places in the canyons by taking different little turn offs, then suggested driving down by the lake. I’ve never been to any lake before, so that sounded fun, and she told me how to get around to Ken’s Lake. It was pretty full up from some rainfall we’d had recently, and the water looked so beautiful. We got there a little before sunset. Both of us were in sandals and had some leg exposed, so we decided to go walk/stand in the water a little ways down the shoreline. The water was so nice, like a little cool but easy to get used to, felt amazing on the skin. I had the strongest urge to swim, but just wouldn’t have been able to with my outfit and no preparation or anything. So instead I suggested we do a lake date since we’re getting to the end of summer, and she was really excited for that. Figured we’ll try to do it in another two weeks when I have Saturday off again. Gonna do it as an all-afternoon/evening kind of thing, that way we can enjoy the cool water in the hot weather. And we decided to plan it as a picnic! That way we can just hang out all day and not have to worry about food or anything else. I’m really looking forward to it cause I love swimming, and getting to swim in the lake for the first time ever will be awesome. Plus I just get to spend the day with Bree ☺️

Anyway, moving on from my sidetracked babbling, we moved over to where there are this big, mostly flat rocks around the shoreline (they help mark out the parking area on one side) and sat on some of the rocks to watch the sunset over the water. I got some nice pics of that, too.

Earlier she had offered me some lip balm and I teasingly was like “you could kiss it onto me”, not necessarily trying to get her to do it in that moment but rather just saying that I’m open to kisses and things like that. But since we’re both such awkward dorks and there’s been the “are we gonna kiss yet?” tension for a while I decided to just ask about it outright. I didn’t know if maybe she’d be uncomfortable with it since she is Ace, and I wasn’t sure how kissing fell on that spectrum for her. But we talked it out and she said she likes kissing and has just been nervous about it this whole time, wanting it to happen organically but also needing consent and wanting to make sure I’m ok with it too. Amazing how we were both so anxious about something so simple haha

But it was getting dark and I was kinda tired so I was like uhhhh I should go home soon 😅 I felt bad cause it’s not like I didn’t want to spend more time with her, but I really was getting worn out, especially with not having must rest beforehand. So I drove her home, we parked in her driveway to chat for a minute before she went in.

And finally, finally she kissed me! Right before she got out of the car, we were saying goodnight, and she leaned over and we had a nice kiss 😚🥰 it was quick, which is fine. I was joking around, “see now that the first one’s out of the way it’ll be less awkward! Wasn’t that easy?” And we both laughed.

Funny enough the song on my Spotify that was playing in the car when we kissed was Die For You by Starset, which is kind of a romantic song but more intense? I sent it to her to joke about it and she thought it was funny.

So yeah it was a very good night. The whole lake thing was unexpected, but ended up being a lot of fun, and gave way to another good date idea for us, so I’m glad it went that way instead. And we’re thinking of just going to see Haunted Mansion on Tuesday, and I’ll just come down a day earlier, since her work schedule matches mine this week (Wednesday-Saturday, she’s helping cover some people or whatever so we on a similar wavelength). So I’ll probably get to see her the whole workweek too.

Ahh I’m so happy man, like I feel giddy 😍

Well, that’s about enough babbling for now, since it’s the end of the night anyway. I better fuckin hear from you asap tomorrow so we can share in all this joy together 😂

I hope you enjoyed your vacation and had a great time. I hope you got to relax and you feel rested, since you’ve been run down for too damn long. I can’t wait to talk to you and hear all about everything and see all the pictures. I know you’ll read through this soon enough, and then we can talk about all my nonsense too 😋

Hurry up and get on here, please