#the practice of love was one of the best albums of 2019 i fear

[classictshirt]

Frank Ocean’s Return The Elusive Singer Takes the Stage For an Enigmatic Coachella Set

Frank Ocean’s Return The Elusive Singer Takes the Stage For an Enigmatic Coachella Set Frank Ocean hasn’t performed in six years, but the reluctant superstar returned to the stage at Coachella on Saturday during a headlining show that was sometimes emotional and sometimes baffling. Ocean’s performance was one of the most anticipated sets of the festival this year, and it closed out the three-day music event on an enigmatic note. Earlier in the day, Coachella released an announcement saying that Ocean’s set wouldn’t be livestreamed on YouTube like the rest of the festival, disappointing many fans at home who were hoping to catch the rare opportunity to see Ocean. Fans who did make it to Coachella began flocking to the MainStage area as early as 9:30 p.m. to get decent seats to the show, which was scheduled for 10:05 p.m. However, the crowd grew bigger and more restless as they waited for more than an hour — and many feared Ocean might not show up since he has canceled numerous appearances and tour performances in the past. Ocean finally began playing shortly after 11 p.m., opening abruptly with “Novacane.” The rendition was stunning and pitch-perfect, though Ocean sat in the middle of the stage with his face hidden in a blue hoodie, his back partially turned toward the crowd. Most of the stage was covered by a massive screen, and fans only got a glimpse of the singer through camera angles of him performing from behind it. There were long silent pauses between songs like “Crack Rock” and “White Ferrari,” with Ocean barely saying anything and keeping his interaction with the audience to a minimum. The first time he did speak, he offered an ambiguous album update: “I want to talk about why I’m here because it’s not because of a new album… Not that there’s not a new album,” he said. Slowly, he began opening up more, sharing an emotional memory about the festival, which he first performed at 11 years ago before releasing Channel Orange. He talked about attending with his late brother Ryan Breaux, who died in a a car accident in 2020. “My brother and I came to this festival a lot. I feel like I was dragged by him sometimes because I didn’t want to get a respiratory infection… I would always come here, and one of my fondest memories is watching Rae Sremmurd with my brother… and Travis in that tent,” he said. “I know he would be so excited to be here with all of us. I want to say thank you for the support and the years and the love all this time. Now I’ll get back to the songs.” Later, he turned the show over to DJ Crystal Mess, who performed an EDM-powered interlude of several of his songs. The cameras rolled over to a security guard dancing and Ocean holding the green baby doll he’s known for carrying around and which he brought to the 2019 Met Gala. He tok the mic and shared why he wanted to include the club interlude. “This is fucking chaotic, but so much fun… Looking back I feel like in 2020 when I was just starting to throw parties in little clubs in New York before shit started going down, I was having a good time listening to new music with DJs coming in on their shit… it’s become part of my weekly practice with homer radio. It’s good that it’s not always all about me so I wanted to bring a little of that,” he explained. He also made way for a young piano player who took the stage and lip synced to his songs. “This is Josiah. He’s playing my inner child,” Ocean explained. The piano player replied, “What’s up, Coachella?” making for a sweet moment during the set. Ocean also played an acoustic version of “Self-Control” and the beginning of “Nikes.” He also mouthed the lyrics to “Nights” into the camera. A short while later, while performing a cover of “At Your Best (You Are Love),” Ocean announced, “Guys, I’m being told it’s curfew so that’s the end of the show.” The stage screen went completely black, leaving fans chanting, “One more song!” However, Ocean cut the performance off there and left the stage. This is the first time the musician hits a stage since 2017, when he performed several music festivals in Europe, along with an appearance at Los Angeles’ FYF Fest. Ocean was originally slated to co-headline the 2020 festival with Rage Against the Machine and Travis Scott, but after Coachella was rescheduled to spring of 2022 due to the Covid-19 pandemic, Ocean was not available for the new dates. While Coachella organizers usually do not reveal lineup details so far in advance, he fest’s co-founder Paul Tollett revealed Ocean would perform in 2023 during an interview in 2021. Read the full article

[cristalconnors]

TOP 20 SONGS OF 2020

20. “BELOW THE CLAVICLE”- EARTHEATER

“The meaning hasn’t come up yet. It’s still under the surface below the clavicle.”

It isn’t just Alexandra Drewchin’s ear splitting soprano when she hits that impossibly high B, practically shrieking out the “cle” syllable of clavicle, though that’s undoubtedly when I first knew that Eartheater’s avant folk was for me- it’s also the cinematic, lush strings, both bowed and plucked (is that acoustic guitar or harp? I genuinely can’t tell), deepening and complicating the sonic texture of Drewchin’s study of parsing through emotions you aren’t ready to make sense of yet. 

19. “PUSSY TALK”- CITY GIRLS, FT. DOJA CAT

“This pussy so ghetto, this pussy speak ebonics”

“WAP”’s funnier, classless Irish twin, though it’s important to note “Pussy Talk” came first. Yung Miami and JT enlist Doja Cat to expound on everything their pussies deserve and will absolutely settle for nothing less than. And why should they when they’re spitting out verses this inspiredly hilarious with such confidence and flow? 

18. “LICK IN HEAVEN”- JESSY LANZA

“Once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning...”

Jessy Lanza is talking about losing your cool, letting your emotions get the best of you and lashing out instead of letting cooler heads prevail, but when that earworm of a chorus hits- “once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning” - I can’t stop spinning. I’m that woman on the single art, a wine mom lost in the delirium of the dance floor and in Lanza’s hypnotic, fragmented rhythms.  

17. “GASLIGHTER”- THE CHICKS

“Boy, you know exactly what you did on my boat!”

“Gaslighter” finds Natalie Ames and her Chicks at their most simultaneously ruthless and ebullient, ripping Ames’s ex-husband Adrian Pasdar a new asshole and ratcheting up the righteous anger of “Goodbye Earl” tenfold, channeling it into a glorious wall of sound in what might be their most rousing, emotionally resonant chorus in their storied career. 

16. “HANNAH SUN”- LOMELDA

“Hannah do no harm...”

While “Hannah Sun” begins as an exquisitely observed rumination on grappling with long-distance, pining for someone who’s a continent away, it gradually becomes clear that Hannah Read blames herself for putting the distance between her and the subject of her longing, and that the distance isn’t strictly literal. Skittering synths (or is that distorted flute?) complicate and enrich the texture of the song, allowing it to build organically and stunningly towards a heartbreaking plea to herself- “Hannah, do no harm.”

15. “FIRE”- WAXAHATCHEE

“And when I turn back around will you drain me back out? Will you let me believe that I broke through?”

When I’d drive back and forth between Dallas and Austin over and over again when I was in college, I’d often get off I-35 past Waco and take the back roads through towns I’d never heard of, the sun setting spectacularly behind the titular hills of Hill Country that were beginning to roll out in earnest. I think about that a lot when listening to “Fire,” a song dripping in rural Americana that was, unsurprisingly, inspired by a road trip. We’ve probably all been Katie Crutchfield as she crossed the bridge into West Memphis- alone in the car, awed by the simple beauty of the American countryside, making speeches to ourselves about our past mistakes and figuring out a way forward. 

14. “3AM”- HAIM

“On the screen and in my jeans, just make me feel good.”

On an album full of genre departures and decidedly darker themes than we’ve typically heard from Haim in their near decade of syncopated bubblegum pop rock, “3AM” stands out not only as their most effective stab at pastiche, slipping into the trappings of contemporary R&B with shocking ease and gusto, but also as their most unabashedly fun track in their entire oeuvre. “I think you can hear the amount of joy and laughs we had making this song” Alana Haim tells Apple Music, and you absolutely can.

13. “QADIR”- NICK HAKIM

“We’re sinking down a hole without thinking about our loved ones who might be shrinking...”

I often wonder if I’m putting enough effort into maintaining my relationships with friends I don’t see regularly, who live several time zones away, living their own lives while I live mine. When the thought of sustaining simple correspondence becomes overwhelming, it’s easy for months to go by before you realize you haven’t spoken to one of your closest friends. “QADIR” plays less like a eulogy for a friend gone too soon (though of course it is that) than a plea to the listener to put in the work. It’s worth it. You never know when it’ll be too late.

12. “LEVITATING”- DUA LIPA

“Glitter in the sky, glitter in our eyes shining just the way we are.”

Just a few bars of that delightfully bouncy, extra-terrestrial beat is enough to launch me into space. It’s so refreshing to hear a song that remembers that pop is supposed to be joyful and is best when it’s a bit silly. When discussing this track with Apple Music, Dua Lipa cites Austin Powers as inspiration, elaborating that “if I do a video for this, Mike Meyers has to be in it.” Can’t you just see them together, performing a farcical pas de deux of seduction like the spiritual successor to “Beautiful Stranger?”

11. “RIQUIQUI”- ARCA

“Love in the face of fear! Fear in the face of God!”

Arca’s made a career of harnessing chaos and somehow making sense of it. On an album that finds her embracing more traditional, accessible song structures, “Riquiqui” is a reminder that even when working within an AB structure, she’s still breaking rules left and right and having a blast doing it. She’s also never sounded so ferociously empowered in either her femininity or in her Venezuelan identity, rattling off local colloquialisms with affection and verve without a second thought as to who’s going to understand it. 

10. “FANTASY”- AGAINST ALL LOGIC

“I think about you all the time...”

Or, the musical embodiment of this gif:

When Nicolas Jaar’s tormented synths and crunching beats give way to Beyoncé’s unmistakable alto, it is indeed quite the shock. But should it be? Even if 2017-2019 finds him ditching the dancefloor in favor of more severe, unforgiving soundscapes, his already varied career has shown us nothing’s off limits to him. So why not reinvent Beyoncé’s iconic “Baby Boy” into an industrial, vaguely sinister certified bop that arguably surpasses the original?

9. “PEOPLE, I’VE BEEN SAD”- CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS

“If you disappear, then I’m disappearing, too.”

“People, I’ve been sad” plays out with the vulnerability and intimacy of a tumblr text post you put out in the middle of the night, only to hastily delete later when it gets no notes. It forgoes flowery language in favor of just getting to the point. “I’ve been sad.” Héloïse Adelaïde Letissier blows up this deceptively simple sentiment with richly layered textures and a big screen gloss not to offer any remedies but instead to offer solidarity. We’re all in this hell together.

8. “DESCRIBE”- PERFUME GENIUS

“Can you just find him for me?”

Mike Hadreas has never sounded so hopeless. Utilizing harsh, rattling guitar that would make Kevin Shields swoon, he conveys the experience of being so estranged from happiness and joy that you need to rely on others to describe the sensation to you. But how, when exploring darker textures than he ever has before, does he make despondency sound so divine? 

7. “4 AMERICAN DOLLARS”- U.S. GIRLS

“No matter how much you get to have, you will still die and that’s the only thing.”

Meg Remy picks up where she left off on “4 American Dollars,” reviving the subversive pastiche she mastered on In a Poem Unlimited, this time harnessing the power of funk to dismantle the fallacies we’re taught about the virtues of capitalism. Heavy stuff, but Remy makes it less didactic than joyous, ensuring the listener will be singing “I don’t believe in pennies and nickels and dimes and dollars and pesos and pounds and rupees and yen and rubles” until they start to wonder if maybe they shouldn’t, either. 

6. “STUPID LOVE”- LADY GAGA

“I freak out, I freak out, I freak out, I freak out!”

Due to a healthy spirit of contrarianism mixed with a touch of internalized homophobia and genuine bafflement at her universal appeal and praise, I was a proud Lady Gaga hater for as long as she’d been a cultural entity. I just didn’t get her at all and loved that about myself. Annoying, I know. 2020 was the year I was finally ready to let that all go. Just before the world fell apart in March, I was out at Flaming Saddles (RIP) with friends the night this song came out and by the sixteenth time it played, I understood why it was inducing such hysteria. This was a cultural shift. After a frustrating near-decade of Gaga subverting expectations so thoroughly that she was actively working against her strengths and sabotaging her cultural ubiquity in the process, coupled with the most frightening era of political upheaval in our lifetimes, she was finally ready to save us and be Lady Gaga again. Booming synth, drag sensibilities, absurd thematic conceits- all was right in the world. For the first time in a long time, people had something to be hopeful about, and as I danced that night, I felt that hope, too. 

5. “SHELLFISH MADEMOISELLE”- RÓISÍN MURPHY

“How dare you sentence me to a lifetime without dancing?”

As soon as that bass starts (the funkiest bassline in the history of music?) it’s like Róisín Murphy’s snake charming oboe, coaxing even the most stalwart curmudgeon onto the dancefloor and keeping them there, dancing frantically and involuntarily like the citizens of Strasbourg in 1518, trying their best to keep up with Murphy who isn’t even breaking a sweat, commanding the masses with a sultry remove, beckoning you closer, pulling you inexorably deeper into the mass of gyrating bodies and whispering in your ear “come and have a dance with yer mum.”

4. “PARTY 4 U”- CHARLI XCX

“I only threw this party for you...”

As PC Music / Bubblegum Bass / whatever you want to call it enters its second decade, Charli XCX proves not only that there’s still new textures to explore within it, but also that no one can exploit its artifice to get down to emotional truths like she can. How can she make something this slick sound so vulnerable? “I only threw this party for you” she croons over and over again over glorious syncopated synths that build exquisitely, reaching their climax only to immediately fall away, until it’s just her and her trusty autotune, pleading with the subject of the song to just come to the damn party. But they won’t, of course. They never do, do they?

3. “WAP”- CARDI B, FT. MEGAN THEE STALLION

“I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat!”

Sometimes you just immediately know you’re living through a significant cultural moment. No, not COVID. I’m talking about the experience of hearing Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s instant classic “WAP” for the first time, a titanic meeting of the minds that finds both of them at the apex of their cultural influence and at their most undeniable. Can the argument be made that these two aren’t the two best rappers in the game right now? How could you hear this inspiredly filthy sex positive juggernaut, where Cardi and Megan are trading the sickest verses of their careers, and not think these two deserve the world? 

2. “KEROSENE!”- YVES TUMOR

“I can be your baby in real life, sugar. I can live in your dreams.”

If the 2010′s were all about the pop-ification of all music, trading in live instrumentation in favor of polished synths, 2020 forcefully announced the return of the electric guitar when Yves Tumor and Diana Gordon’s back and forth lustfully submissive declarations of desire suddenly gave way to that nasty guitar rip lifted from Uriah Heep’s “Weep in Silence” to announce yet another cultural shift in a year chock full of them- rock and roll was, indeed, here to stay. 

1. “I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME”- FIONA APPLE

“I move with the trees in the breeze, I know that time is elastic.”

We live and we learn. Years spent soul searching and on self-discovery shape us into better, smarter people, progressively knowing and understanding ourselves and the world around us more and more clearly, but Fiona Apple knows that none of that can quell the ferocious desire to be loved by someone. By anyone. By you, whoever that is. We can know that time is elastic and that when we’re gone all our particles will disband and disperse and then we’ll be back in the pulse, and we can know that none of this stuff actually matters, but still- we want, we want, we want. 

[fymonsta-x]

[INTERVIEW] Wonho’s Exclusive Interview with Dispatch

[Dispatch = Reporter Kim Soo-ji]

“In fact, I wasn't at peace.”

I asked why.

“I know my fault...”

Wonho took out his past.

“Any words would only be excuses. I was wrong.”

He continued.

“So I did my best. So that I would never live like that again.”

Then he talked about his love for the fans.

“I have receive something that’s called love. So at least, I don’t want to disappoint them.”

Dispatch interviewed Wonho, who was active as Monsta X, in February, when the investigation of marijuana accusation was in action.

“Yes, I admit my past. I was childish. I am trying to not live like that. I only think about the other members, the group, our fans.”

And added. It was all a misunderstanding.

“I didn’t do marijuana. The police is currently investigating it. When my innocence is proven, please write my story.”

“I want to apologize and I want to clear the misunderstandings. And I want to earn an apology.” Then he told the story of his childhood.

◆ "Those days, I was unhappy"

A rental apartment in Sanbon-dong, Gunpo-si, Gyeonggi-do. A (small) living room and one room were all. There, he lived with his grandmother, father, mother and younger brother.

“Until I was 20, we lived in a small rented apartment. My grandma had the room so my father, my mother, me and my brother had to sleep in the living room together. I didn't know it was poverty, back then.”

Then when he entered elementary school, he couldn't get along with his friends. And he was bullied. He was made miserable, repeatedly. Wonho was a timid child with a lot of fears.

“One day they bullied me because I was dirty, the other day because I was boring. My friends hated me. To be honest this is a memory I don’t want to recall.

“In other words, I was an outcast. My house was not peaceful, either. Because my parents often fought. So I spent more time outside, everyday. Then I met some unfamiliar hyungs on the neighbourhood, and I followed them around.”

◆ "Being bad was better"

Then after that, no one bullied him. In fact, he felt like he was the one who scared them. And he said he liked how his friends felt uncomfortable with him.

“One day, I bumped with the friend who used to bully me. Unconsciously I flinched. But that friend said 'Hoseok, I'm sorry' first.

Suddenly I felt good. I shouldn't though..” Wonho stopped being an outcast. But he wasn't happy. And even his personality changed. It was when he was at the high school.

“That day too, my parents were fighting. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I no longer saw hope (in my house). I left the house without any plan.

I didn't know the price of a family back then.” The outside world was more dangerous. He met with new friends and things went awry. His friends received received punishment for special theft. Wonho was placed on probation.

“I don't want to blame my friends. Because that was my choice too. I know it sounds like and excuse, but I was childish. It's my fault. I did wrong. I'm sorry.”

◆ "I have a dream"

Wonho's teenage was empty. But then when he was at the second grade of high school he met Jung Daeun.

“We got close pretty soon. We became fitting models together. Daeun helped me a lot. She cheered me so I can dream my dream to become a singer.”

Before his 20s, Wonho, no, Hoseok was rough. He blamed the reality and went off the way. But after his 20s, Lee Hoseok, no, Wonho changed. He countered the reality and became better.

“I saw some friends who practiced like crazy. They were dreaming something called 'dream'. I was ashamed. I lived only by blaming others.. So I promised. That I would not waste my life any longer.”

Then Wonho practiced day and night. He went to the company whenever he could. When he needed to practice alone, he would go to the emergency stairs and practiced there.

“With my fellow trainees I danced and sang over night. It wasn't hard. Because I got the hope that 'there's a future for me, too.' I was happy. And I also really liked living together with them. I learned a lot for 4 years.”

◆ "The past stood in the way"

Then he debuted with Monsta X in 2015. He released 12 albums in Korea. America, Europe and Asia. It paid off. At the time, they ranked 39th in the 'Billboard' Pop songs chart (2019). It was the third time in K-pop history.

And Wonho ran for the future too in 2019. But then his past tripped him. The accusation of debt, theft and even marijuana use in 2013.

“There's my fault, but there's a misunderstanding too. Of course it's something I can’t reverse. Being in a similar environment doesn't mean that I go out of line too. I reflected a lot when I was under probation (for special theft).”

Wonho no longer gives excuses. He admits his past and he was sorry for it. But for the marijuana use, he strongly denied. He never touched any drugs at all.

“I admit the problem with my past. But what's not is not. I never do marijuana. And I have explained this part clearly to the police.”

And after the investigation for more than 5 months, they released the statement that there's no proof of him using marijuana. And they also investigated about the other drugs but there's no proof either.

◆ “I didn't want to hurt you”

Wonho left his group in October. “I was really doing my best to prepare for the new album. I really hate seeing Monsta X fall (because of me). I thought that dropping out sooner would be the path for the group to live. I wanted to block the damage as best as I could.”

One more, there's Monbebe in his decision.

“I can talk about this confidently. After I met Monbebe, I changed a lot. I know how it felt to be loved. I want to live my life even better day by day.”

According to him, he only had Monbebe. His daily life was all about composing, working out and communication (with Monbebe). He actually talked with Monbebe for 3-4 hours during the world tour via V Live.

“Actually it's the first time I ever felt that warmth. So I don't want to disappoint them. I only want to do the things that the fans like. I want to return the love. But...”

◆ “But I'm sorry”

He recalled his past and wondered what he could do. And the only answer was withdrawal. He thought that that would (at least) lessen the fans' pain.

“I have promised a lot to my fans. I said I would always be by their side. I'm sorry I could only leave you like this. I live only by looking at you, though..”

Then he explained why he could only do that.

“I lived my past as Lee Hoseok, and now I live as Wonho. Is Wonho responsible for the things Hoseok did? I have to be. At the end, my past hurt you. I want to lessen your pain.”

Wonho didn't go out of the house for a long time. He was afraid it would give damage to the people around him so he lived holding his breath. And then he was free from the accusation of marijuana. He said it was a relief.

“Even now I can't forget my fans. Rather, I regret it. I should have treated you better. I just want to say I'm sorry, that's why I did this interview.”

Translation by @nunudanaa Original article: Dispatch

[girlsbtrs]

How Being a Woman in Hardcore Helped Me Learn to Love Myself

Written by Jen Moglia. Graphic by Laura Cross. 

Since this is my first piece written for Girls Behind the Rock Show, I figured that I should introduce myself; hi, my name is Jennifer, but most people call me Jen. I live on Long Island in New York, and my favorite things include my cats, the color pink, giving gifts to my Animal Crossing villagers, and watching sports. Above all else, however, I love music.

I frequently refer to music as the love of my life. It somehow plays a role in everything that I do. I got my first iPod when I was five years old, stacked with everything from Miranda Cosgrove and Avril Lavigne to Tool and Deftones. Some of my favorite memories growing up are sitting in my pink and purple bedroom singing and dancing along to Paramore’s crushcrushcrush and Fall Out Boy’s Thnks Fr Th Mmrs on the local alternative radio station. I danced for 12 years, played cello for seven, and am currently a wannabe ukulele rockstar after buying one on impulse and starting to teach myself how to play four years ago. Even on the simplest, barely noticeable levels, music has been everywhere in my life for as long as I can remember; even now, I can’t complete a basic task without a song playing in my headphones.

Music became an even bigger part of my life when I started attending live shows. I went to my first concerts at age 10, seeing my two favorite artists - Nickelodeon boy band Big Time Rush and classic progressive rock band Rush - within one month of each other. By the time I was 15, I had been to my fair share of arena/seated shows with one or both of my parents, from Fifth Harmony to Fitz and the Tantrums to Alice in Chains. My first general admission show was seeing the Foo Fighters at Citi Field with both my mom and dad when I was 12, but my first pop-punk general admission show (yes, they’re different) came a few years later. I had the typical list of favorite bands that you would expect from a young teenager getting into alternative music: Neck Deep, Knuckle Puck, Real Friends, and State Champs. 

In late 2018, I was able to see all four of these bands for the first time, and I am a firm believer that it changed the course of my life. I met, cried-during, and eventually got the setlist for Neck Deep at Stereo Garden on Long Island in September. I sang all of “Untitled” at the barricade for Knuckle Puck at SI Hall at the Fairgrounds in Syracuse in October. I had my first minor concussion scare (yay!) before Real Friends’ set at Irving Plaza in New York City in November. Finally, I crowd surfed for the first time during State Champs’ anniversary show for The Finer Things at House of Independents in Asbury Park in December. After just a few shows, I had fallen in love with this new brand of live music that I had just been introduced too. There was something so magical to me about skin covered in sweat and Sharpie marks, feet hurting from dancing in the pit all night, and meeting strangers on line outside the venue who would become your best friends and know your deepest secrets by the end of the night.

After making some friends at all of the pop-punk shows I was going to, they started to tell me that I should get into hardcore music. I was hesitant at first - the heaviest thing I had listened to at that point was nowhere near the snippets of hardcore that my friends had played for me - but, eventually, I decided to give it a chance. I was bored and home alone with nothing to do one night over the summer of 2019 when I listened to my first hardcore album, Laugh Tracks by Knocked Loose. Immediately, I got that gut feeling that you have when you know you’ve heard one of your favorite bands for the first time. I knew that this was something special that I was meant to find at this point in my life. For the rest of the summer, I worked my way through the rest of my friends’ hardcore and hardcore-adjacent recommendations, with Cost of Living by Incendiary, Stage Four by Touche Amore, You’re Not You Anymore by Counterparts, Time & Space by Turnstile, Springtime and Blind by Fiddlehead, Smile! Aren’t You Happy by Absence of Mine, Bad to my World by Backtrack, and Reality Approaches by Harms Way being some of my favorites. By the time the next school year started, I was hooked, and I already had tickets to my first few hardcore shows in the fall.

My first hardcore show was in November 2019, seeing Knocked Loose at Webster Hall in New York City - fitting, right? They were on tour supporting their new record A Different Shade of Blue, which I had become obsessed with the minute I heard it for the first time. Although I was ridiculously scared of getting stepped on and breaking all my bones (yes, that was an actual fear of mine), I had the time of my life at that show. There was something about this newer kind of live music that prompted a cathartic release, one that I hadn’t found anywhere else before. As soon as the show was over, I was counting the days until my next one.

My love for live hardcore music (and live music and hardcore music in general) has only grown since then, and that story sort of ends there. However, I want to go back to that first hardcore band that I listened to, Knocked Loose, and the album they put out that first summer that stole my heart. I was taken by storm as soon as the first notes of A Different Shade of Blue rang through my headphones, but something was different about the third track, A Serpent’s Touch, particularly the ending; I heard a voice that sounded a little bit more like my own.

This song features Emma Boster, who does vocals for one of my favorite hardcore bands right now, Dying Wish. When I heard A Serpent’s Touch for the first time, though, I had no idea who she was. I was used to the aggressive vocal delivery of frontmen in hardcore, particularly that of Knocked Loose’s Bryan Garris, but hearing it come from her changed my perspective on a lot of things. It’s not like the song was super angry and changed its tune to be lighter once the token girl came along; in her verse, Boster sings, “I watched the venom / Overcome your spirit / Jealousy holds you now / Distorting your appearance / Bleed out.” These were lyrics that held the same intensity that the lines screamed by the men held, and they sounded just as cool coming out of her mouth. As cheesy as it sounds, it had never even occurred to me that women had a place in this new world that I had discovered. The audiences in the live videos I watched (and eventually at the shows I attended) were made up of mostly men who looked bigger and older than me. When I did start going to shows, most of the non-man population consisted of my friends and I. Emma Boster, along with so many others, began to open my eyes to the fact that a place for people like me existed in this community. It didn’t matter that I had bright red hair or liked butterflies or wore pink - I was just as much a part of this magic as the men multiple feet taller than me with tattoo-covered arms, and I belonged there just as much as they did.

As time went on and I got more involved in the genre’s music and community, I discovered more bands with women in them, and it only fueled this fire of empowerment inside of me. When I felt insecure, I’d watch live sets from Krimewatch, a hardcore band from New York City, just half an hour away from my hometown. They have multiple women as members, including their energetic badass of a vocalist, Rhylli Ogiura. Year of the Knife became one of my all-time favorites, and their bassist Madison Watkins became a serious inspiration to me; the way that she can balance killing it on stage and running the cutest, most pink apparel brand I’ve ever seen (aptly titled Candy Corpse) amazes me. Even some of the bands I’ve found more recently have had an impact on me. I started listening to Initiate last year when their EP Lavender came out, and their beautifully colorful cover art caught my eye before I had heard any of their songs. Their vocalist, Crystal Pak, is also a woman, and she’s insanely talented. Discovering this kind of representation in this new universe that I had come to feel so at home in introduced me to a world of confidence and determination that I had never known before.

When people ask me why I love hardcore so much, I often give the easy answer; “the music sounds good.” If the person allows me to ramble on for a little longer, the answer becomes much more emotional and cheesy. Hardcore taught me that speaking up for what I believe in is important, and if there’s something I’m passionate about, it’s worth shouting about. I became familiar with this when listening to one of my favorite bands ever, Incendiary (the second hardcore band I ever checked out), before quickly realizing that politics are a pretty common topic within the genre - it’s what this music was practically built on. The first time I heard their vocalist Brendan Garrone singing about police brutality and injustice on songs like Force of Neglect and Sell Your Cause, I realized that there is so much more to music than just sounding good.

However, at its core, the thing I love so much about hardcore is what it taught me about being a woman. Growing up, I was the loud girl with the personality bigger than the room who always had something to say and had a never ending supply of excitement about just about everything. As I got older, I was taught that this was not okay. People didn’t like how enthusiastic I was about everything, or that I constantly had new ideas and new discoveries I wanted to talk about. As cliche as it sounds, I felt like everyone around me was trying to dull my sparkle, especially some of the men that I was encountering on a day-to-day basis. Even when I started to come to terms with my big and bright personality, in turn also coming to terms with my own femininity, I was told that this wasn’t how girls acted. I had to pick one - I could watch Disney princess movies and wear Hello Kitty hair clips, or I could be outspoken about my beliefs; but never both. The women that I mentioned earlier, along with so, so many more, helped me unlearn these toxic mindsets. Seeing someone like Emma Boster take the stage and scream ferociously for a full set helped me see that I could be a girl and still be a powerhouse. Following Madi Watkins around on social media showed me that I could love bands like Year of the Knife and also love heart-shaped purses and wear pink from head to toe. My aggression and passion didn’t make me any less of a woman, and my femininity didn’t make me any less of a force to be reckoned with. 

So, at the end of this love letter to hardcore and the women who run it, I say this; thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to shrink myself anymore. It has made a world of a difference.

[aswellingstorm]

taylor swift x catradora playlist

in honor of evermore dropping tonight (midnight, EST) i humbly present the following by album break down of songs that miss swift wrote solely for catradora

taylor swift (2006)

tied together with a smile--the struggle adora faces being the hero/put on a pedestal from her horde days to becoming she ra

invisible--catra facing jealousy over adora’s new friendships

i’m only me when i’m with you--young catradora/growing up in the horde

fearless (2008)

forever & always-- broken promise. need i say more

white horse-- catra’s resentment for adora’s hero complex

breathe-- mutual catra & adora--struggling to cope with the other choosing the opposing side

you’re not sorry--adora coming to terms w post s3 catra & having to accept her former best friend has gone too far this time

change-- post s1 victory for adora

speak now (2010)

the story of us--princess prom catradora vibes

mean--unfortunately.........could see the best friend squad singing this therapeutically & adora thinking of catra

better than revenge-- ‘stealing other peoples toys on the playground won’t make you many friends//i’m just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey’....jealous catra really comes thru here

innocent-- feel like this could be applied to adora but more specifically catra losing herself and her innocence in this war/getting caught in the cycle of abuse shadow weaver set her in at a young age

if this were a movie-- adora’s naïve hope that catra might make the right choice one day

haunted-- ‘all this time you and i have walked a fragile line, never thought i’d live to see it break’, easily fits into adora leaving the horde, but def has the angsty vibes for ‘save the cat’

back to december--regret. longing. wishing u could take something back but knowing you really cant

enchanted--ok hear me out. not necessarily a ‘meet cute’ for them, but could def see this song playing at a princess prom post s5 and being a cute look for them over all.

red (2012)

treacherous--post ‘save the cat’, catra learning redemption is....something she Wants

the last time--post-portal. def reminds me of the scene where catra saves glimmer and apologizes to adora

sad beautiful tragic-- break up sadness

the lucky one--more adora becoming she ra/learning the truth of mara

i almost do--catra & adora missing each other on opposite sides of the war

come back...be here--^^

state of grace--end of/post s5

1989 (2014)

out of the woods--i mean..........those ladies entered the whispering woods in s1 on a stolen skiff and did not leave until the end of the series

all you had to do was stay-- aside from the title... “let me remind you this was what you wanted // you ended it// you were all I wanted //but not like this”. def catra yearning

i wish you would--all of the lyrics. all of them

bad blood--warrants no explanation

this love-- “when you’re young, you just run// but you always come back to what you need”......................the defense rests

clean--s4 adora accepting and coming to terms w catra’s decision

wonderland-- really captures the betrayal/hurt of s1 catradora

you are in love-- adora POV// subtle moments leading up to realizing she loves catra

new romantics--”we need love, but all we want is danger//we team up then switch sides like a record changer”

catra’s personal memoir reputation (2017)

i did something bad--a title that could (unfortunately for everyone else) summarize a large majority of catra’s decisions. the song is very justified/righteous anger/revenge. basically a ‘fuck you, i know i’m bad’ & embracing that. reminds me of her kicking sw & hordaks ass (the rebellion could never) and her just...war criming it up in the crimson waste

Look What You Made Me Do-- void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra void!catra--

getaway car--could see this from adora’s perspective to catra solely for the whole leaving/betrayal bit. but might be more fighting for double trouble & catra’s relationship

dancing with our hands tied-- i mean...lyrically. everything. but esp ‘I'd kiss you as the lights went out//swaying as the room burned down//I'd hold you as the water rushes in//If I could dance with you again”

dress-- “i dont want you like a best friend”. period. end of sentence. 

this is why we can’t have nice things--s1 promise feels. the lack of forgiveness, the shade. u know.

lover (2019)

cruel summer-- “i scream for whatever it’s worth, i love you--ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?” the heart. the longing. the ‘i dont want to keep secrets just to keep you’

the archer-- ‘who could ever leave me, but who could stay?’ + the rest of the song is v fitting for both catra/adora

afterglow--making up, admitting wrongs--catra perspective

miss americana & the heartbreak prince--idk just the narrative of the song reminds me of them

it’s nice to have a friend--whooooh boy this post is not about glimbow but this song works equally as well for them

daylight--enjoy the healing

lover--enjoy the healing pt 2

death by a thousand cuts-- warrants 0 explanation

folklore (2020)

finally

the 1-- definitley adora POV, reminiscing on maybe what they could have been. maybe in a world where catra never redeemed herself or they never reunited and adora watched her friends pair up/get married/build lives w each other, she might realize there is a whole in her heart. a part that’s missing and cant be explained, but she feels it every time she looks at glimmer&bow. 

cardigan-- feels like catra writing a letter to adora. reflecting on the feelings of hurt and betrayal after time has passed and the anger fades

exile -- lowkey the premise of my fic but. ‘i’m not your problem anymore/ you were my crown/ now i’m in exile seeing you out’ catra was raised to feel like she was adora’s problem to fix. she feels cast aside by her for a majority of the series etc

my tears ricochet-- “i didn't have it in myself to go with grace//and you're the hero flying around saving face//and if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?//cursing my name, wishing I stayed//look at how my tears ricochet” tswift explained this in the doc about how no one can hurt you like your best friend turned enemy. so i think in that sense this song works from adora’s perspective--but there’s so much bitterness and anger that i feel like it fits more from catra’s POV

seven-- “love you to the moon and to saturn//passed down like folksongs//the love lasts so long” i feel like this is so young/child adora and her feelings of protectiveness over catra. their bond through trauma and abuse

august--lmaoooooo i know. ok i KNOW what the deal is. i KNOW that cardigan, august and betty are a narrative story and really there are 3 POVs--james, betty & august. but i will do with that what i please. i just see catra’s pov from this song just as much as i see it for cardigan. her losing adora/feeling like adora doesn’t want her back or will choose other ppl over her. 

this is me trying--can fit adora’s need to be everything for everyone/fear of failure--leading to burn out. also works for what i assume how catra’s redemption arc continued post s5. progress isn’t linear and this can show both of them struggling to recover from abuse

invisible string--if u strip out the imagery of taylor and her mans then sure

mad woman--i MEAN...is this not catra’s villain origin story? so often she was just poked/kicked/provoked into continuing down the dark path. not always by adora but regardless.

epiphany-- ‘with you i serve, with you i fall down’ reminding me of them both fighting/practicing/training together pre-s1 as well as them finally teaming up

betty--betty betty betty. the worst thing these two have ever done is what they did to each other. i see it more catra to adora, but it can go either way. gotta admire catra’s range for fitting into the role of betty, august + james... who else is doing it quite like her?

peace-- adora to catra. she can never not be she ra. is that enough for catra?

hoax--def more of a catra POV

evermore (2020?)

tbd......

[path-of-my-childhood]

9 Taylor Swift Moments That Didn’t Fit in Our Cover Story

By: Brian Hiatt for The Rolling Stone Magazine Date: September 30th 2019

Taylor Swift had a lot to say in our recent cover story (on newsstands now), tracing her eventful path to Lover, her political views and many other topics in a lengthy, revealing interview. There was even more to the caffeine-fueled conversation, which Swift made it through on four hours of sleep after staying up greeting fans at her parents’ Nashville house. Here are some highlights:

On releasing “The Archer” after “Me” and “You Need to Calm Down”: That’s sort of the world in which a lot of the album lives. It’s weird, because in pop, I love hooks and bop and catchy melodies so much. And I also love writing the songs you need to ugly cry to. So I really enjoy “You Need to Calm Down” and the brattiness of “damn, it’s 7 a.m.,” and then the next song being like, this is how I feel about myself in my lowest moments… It was unexpected when people liked “The Archer” seemingly sort of unanimously, I was like, What? This doesn’t happen to me. This almost feels like foreign and strange.

On Lover‘s place in her catalog: Reputation was so far from what I usually do. And Lover feels like a return to the fundamental songwriting pillars that I usually build my house on. It’s really honest; it’s not me playing a character. It’s really just how I feel, undistilled. And there are a lot of very personal admissions in it. And also, I love a metaphor. I love building on the metaphor for a very long time. You know, the whole of Reputation was just a metaphor, but this is a very personal record. So that’s been really fun.

Writing the title track of Lover: I was sitting up at the piano up in my loft, and I had the chorus. It just kind of happened immediately. It was one of those ones that I wrote very very, very quickly. And I was working out the cadence of the first verse and it just sort of fell together. But then I took some time to write the bridge because I wanted to really level up with that bridge. That one would for me be less of a ranting bridge and more of a story-time fable type bridge. Sometimes I like to imagine a bridge as like a sort of fairy-tale lullaby fable expanding upon a song that has been not as detailed until that point. “Can I go where you go/ Can we always be this close forever and ever”  is less detail then when you go to the bridge and you realize like, oh, it just got really personal in the bridge. It expands on it all.

Writing “Paper Rings” We just were messing around, just wanting to make something really, really fun. And I had all these lyrics about all these funny memories of how something can start off in a really quirky way and surprise you. Like how it says, “I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this.” So I wanted to show the quirkiness of a relationship and how it’s like, wow, this really fell together in really interesting, funny, playful, cute pieces. And now it’s something we’re both really stoked happened exactly the way it did.

On her creative burst circa 2016: I was writing constantly. And a lot of the things I was writing ended up being songs for Reputation. So after 1989, I didn’t write really anything. After I made 1989 and put it out, did all the promo stuff, went on tour... The Grammys happen, which is like this unbelievable blitz of excitement, followed by me going, “Oh my god, what am I going to make next?” I had no idea what to make next, because I was so proud. 1989 — I’m still so, so deeply proud of that record. But I was like, where do we go from here? I have no idea what comes after this. And so, when my life took a very dramatic shift, all of a sudden I knew what to make next — which is a strange dichotomy to feel like, ‘whoa, this is all really weird, twisted, dark and dramatic, but I can’t stop writing.’

I think I would have made Reputation whether or not I actually put out the album or ever made another album again. That album was a real process of catharsis, and I thought I experienced catharsis before, but I’d never had until that album, because it was creating this strange defense mechanism. And, I’d never really done that in that exact way before. The only way I’d done it in the past, was with “Blank Space,” which I wrote specifically about criticisms I had received for supposedly dating too many people in my twenties. I took that template of, OK, this is what you’re all saying about me. Let me just write from this character for a second.

On the Reputation Tour: That’s just such a fun album, Reputation. I’m so proud of how that whole process was because I’d never had an album that made more sense to people after they came to the concert. Literally people would be like, “I came to the show and now I completely love the record.” Now I get the record. Whereas before with 1989, I felt like it was such a great listen but it was harder to portray it live because when you when you see it live, you’re like, “Oh, I love that song and now she’s performing it live.” But it never had songs that came alive live.

With Reputation, I wanted to keep my head down, not say anything, but work harder than I ever worked. It was really motivational for me to just have the stadium tour to prepare for and prove myself almost. My career was in a weird spot, but still have that kind of ignite something in you to work harder, to practice longer, to think of bigger, better concepts for the live show. I was thinking, if anything can pull me out of this weird disillusionment I have with the way that things have gone in my career that I was feeling back then, I knew it would be playing live. If I could be proud of the live show and if I could feel that connection with fans, that would remind me of why I love this.

On the challenges of choreography: It’s really hard for me to memorize choreography. Dancers keep count, but I can’t memorize choreography that way. So I have to assign movement to an exact lyric. Everything in my brain has to be assigned to a lyric. Because I have to learn choreography in a way that reverts back to songwriting. My vibe is I have to rehearse so, so many times for so long that I can do the choreography without thinking about it. Because when I’m thinking about choreography, my face says it. You can see it in my eyes. There’s a fear and, like, a deadness to my eyes if I’m trying to remember choreography.

On being less caught up in chart battles: I’m just a little more chill about stuff like that now. Obviously, you want to do well, and you want to do things that people like and you want people not to make fun of you for that. A lot of the pressure that I feel in my career is just the fact that I’m compared to everything I’ve ever accomplished in the past and also new artists. I can’t live in that pressure cooker. Charts — I truly, truly do not understand how they work anymore. My friend Ed [Sheeran] is such a chart monger. He’s obsessed with how it works and the math of it. I have no idea what goes on with the math with it now, it used to be so easy. I don’t even get how, people get a big release week, because they sold T-shirts, or they sold concert tickets with their albums. It’s just very confusing. But I was stoked about the “ME!” music video getting that many YouTube views. I was like, well, that’s like, that’s something to write home about.

On the longevity of songs: I think it often takes a lot of time for people to understand how they feel about music. And I know that now because there’s a song on Red called “All Too Well” that I’m really, really proud of, and it took people about three years to note that that was one of the best songs. I didn’t see that starting to pop up when people would talk about my music until about two or three years after the album had its moment. So one thing that’s actually really comforting about music — and I know that people consume at a crazy speed now — but I think that things settle for people after a long period of time. My music kind of assigns itself to maybe a moment in somebody’s life; that’s the way that my fans usually describe it. So when you’re dealing in memory curation in a way, if they have memories that include one of my songs, they go and they live their lives and those memories become further in the past and more nostalgic to them, and the music becomes more important to them.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

— after meeting you.

date: 2011-2021.

word count: 1,886 words, excluding lyrics.

summary: ash makes a song over the course of ten years.

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification. 

it’s a song a decade in the making. over the course of ten years, he comes back to it over and over as a diary of his idea of the perfect love.

2011

he begins it on the doorstep of the first time he’ll ever fall in love. he’s a trainee and his days are filled with nonstop practice. when he comes home late at night or in the early hours of the morning, he barely has the time to pull out his homework to complete enough to keep passing classes and avoid a scolding from the company, but he still finds time to try to put into words what he’s feeling.

love is everything he’d heard about and more. he’s had the butterflies, the moments of awe, but he’s also found himself confused at times by how much he has to learn about being someone’s boyfriend. hand holding on the playground in third grade and shy kisses during spin the bottle in middle school hadn’t prepared him for actually falling in love.

he’s young, only fifteen when he writes down the first words of what he has no idea will one day be one song of many he stands on stage and sings by himself. he has no idea about the heartbreak he’ll endure in the next decade, that the one he thinks will be his first and last will be far behind him by the time the world gets to hear the words.

we understand each other i was surprised how we got used to each other

he’s never felt this way with anyone. the quiet understanding, the spark he feels at every touch and every glance they share between ash leaving class and heading into practice or on the late nights of the weekend when he can slip in time to see them. if this is the love everyone’s always talked about, that everyone’s written countless songs about and based movies and art on, he can understand why.

in the bright morning i open my eyes while thinking of you

he’s young and it feels like no one takes his love as seriously as it feels to him. it’s all-consuming and he just knows they’re the two that got lucky to find their soulmates and life partners so young. the idea of fate battles with his desire for free will, but he doesn’t care which is real when his arms are around them.

it’s only a few lines, tucked away on a sticky note stuck to the margins of a school notebook, but they show a boy who believes in every word he writes, words he’ll reshape and flesh out when he’s older and his korean has refined itself into something more sophisticated than he can offer at fifteen, but one phrase he writes doesn’t change at all:

i love you

january 2016

more pieces of what will eventually become the song stick themselves together over the years, through relationships and flings, but it’s not until years later that he sits in a vocal practice room at bc entertainment alone, old notebook in front of him and his fingers on the keyboard.

the notes of the melody he writes link to years into the past and stay with him for years into the future.

solo music is still a pipe dream for him, but something he’s afraid to put a name to has sparked again in his heart. it’s not the only time since the first time he’d fallen, but it’s the most confusing for him.

see, they’re not dating. they’re friends who have fallen into the trap of letting skin on skin bleed into their hearts to mean more than it does.

for ash, at least. he doesn’t know if his touch has bled into her bone marrow the same way hers has into his, and so he doesn’t say anything. not to her. instead, he lets his fingers idle on a piano, recalling the moment he’d first looked over at her and realized he was in trouble.

for as complicated and messy as his situation is, the melody line he crafts doesn’t soar too high or too low, it doesn’t tumble over itself in rapid notes or odd time signatures, though he still simplifies it down some more a few years later when he comes back to it. it sits in 4/4 time signature, the most basic, for love sits inside such a simplistic framework, bent out of shape by the imperfect humans who inhabit it and, as ash has now come to learn, sometimes break the frame in half. 

the piano piece is therapy in keys, the only therapy he knows at the time, not for lack of needing it, but because of lack of time and motivation to take care of himself in the way he should.

the impending spiral downward in the next few months he can’t foresee yet will be the breaking point, but he’ll never stop coming back to the keys when he feels emotions he can’t share with anyone else.

late 2016-2017

more lyrics and music slot into place over the rapidfire falling he does over a few months. there’s the model trainee he thinks he could love that shatters his heart in the aftermath of a heartfelt confession. there’s the ill-fated relationship that starts hopeful, but dissolves into fighting before he can even write much embodying that hope. then, there comes her and then him, the ones that leave him looking back on his record of love put into song and makes him want to spill tears to drown every instrument and wet every notebook so he can never write something so hopeful again.

there are times he writes words about them, but, often, he’s at a loss for words, and the song becomes more instrumental than voice, silence on his part.

silence is what damns him in the end.

2017-2019

in kijung, ash is sure he’s found the true muse to the song he’s been writing for years.

just like now when it’s peaceful i want to be with you forever i thought that as i was looking at you i was so happy after meeting you i was able to love you so much because you embraced and understood my young and immature mind warmly

he almost plays the song for him one night, almost decides he wants to rewrite it to be solely about kijung so he can sing it for him and only him, but fear makes him back out.

months later, fear makes him back out of the relationship altogether and the song remains a patchwork quilt of lovers past.

mid-2020

when she’s back in his life, the tone changes.

when we hurt each other with nonchalant tones i can’t bear our distant relationship so i’m sorry even now when i’m anxious i want to be with you forever i thought that as i was looking at you

he knows now that love can hurt just as badly when one’s in it as it can once it’s ended.

are you happy after meeting me, too? i’m sorry that i have more that i couldn’t give you i’m selfish and unstable but i wanted to treat you well

he breaks her heart and his own at the same time and comes to realize he’s no longer a man built to be deserving of the love he’s prayed at the altar of his whole life.

late 2020

there’s a piece of writing advice ash has heard over and over again for as long as he can remember: write what you know.

but when he pieces together the last lyrics of the song, they’re to everyone he’s known and someone he’s never known at once. they’re to someone he’s accepted he’ll never meet, or to someone he let slip away. he can’t tell which one, but he knows it’s more fantasy than reality.

he bleeds out every ounce of hope he has left inside of him and leaves it printed in ink and bared in song. ten years of hope etched into one song, meeting a man who now stands empty of it. he’s faced with a mirror image of someone brighter and bolder, touched with love, but left shielded from the inevitable heartbreak attached to it.

in the end, they sit over an instrumental that’s been recrafted so that something sad hits under the hope, harmonizing the truth with the dream he’s packed away and abandoned.

i think i found a perfect love that i’ve waited for for a long time because you held me and gave me energy because you hugged me by being considerate lovingly after i met you

2021

he sends in the demo to the company right before the release of his fourth solo album as closure, but he doesn’t expect to hear back that they’re interested in having him release it. it’s so different from the sound that most of lovesick had been drenched in. it fits better the music he’d been known for releasing three or four years ago when he’d been first starting out as a soloist. it makes sense that it does, considering much of the song had been created before then, but management seems more excited for it than he’d expected.

he doesn’t realize right away why, but once he gets the brief for some, he realizes that maybe they’ve decided he’s been too mopey as of late to be marketable.

despite his best efforts not to let his hesitancy about some infect his work on this song, some resentment builds inside as he spends time in the studio on it. the more he listens back to different takes of his own voice singing back the polished lyrics over the finalized melody, the more he feels like he’s mocking himself. it sounds out of place in his voice.

he’d give up if he didn’t know that letting bc know he was throwing in the towel would only mean they’d put someone else on the job to get the final product completed, and as sour as he is, the song still has strings that attach to the inside of his chest that he’s not ready to cut to hand the song over to someone else.

erin is the one who points out what’s wrong to him one night when she comes to visit him in his studio.

“you sound really young here.” she’s silent for a moment, and then she corrects herself. “you sound like you’re trying to sound young.”

she’s right.

he’s trying to sound like the fifteen year old ash who had been the root of all of this. for a man who’s been so insistent he’s not good at playing a character when he’s writing, he’s taken on the persona of someone who can skate along the surface level of the song for the sake of marketability — a man the words can’t hurt.

the song isn’t about first love just because those were what the first words had been written about.

so, he re-records it, singing it like the man who’s experienced everything he’s been through. he switches out the arrangement from coffee house acoustic to transition the instrumental from a simple piano and strings arrangement o a full-out orchestral arrangement toward the end.

when he’d felt the first rays of love, he may have thought that it was as easy as two complementary instruments, but in the decade since, he’s learned all of the moving pieces that have to come together.

by most accounts, its arrangement lends itself to a run of the mill emotional ballad, and bc will either love or hate that, but some of the pieces that had been failing to line up slot in to place.

listening back, the song still makes him sadder than he can imagine a younger ash would be proud of.

the night he finishes, he sits in his studio with the lights low and loops the track, searching through every line for a flaw he needs to fix. it comes without thought, looking for what he’s done wrong.

as he sits there, he hears his own voice repeat over and over again thoughts from years past, singing about once-perfect loves that had only been perfect for flashes of time in a broad expanse of history, and he stops the track. for once, he’s done searching for his own faults.

[quarantineroulette]

2020 Releases that I listened to more than once / stuck with me in some way.

Excuse my pessimism, but 2020 was a year in which finding solace in music was of little use to me. I also had less time than ever to listen to music. I spent the worst of the pandemic displaced and with limited internet access, then moved to another city and switched careers, two changes which I still haven’t fully comprehended. I also spent 98% of my free time feeling too anxious about the future as a whole to do any sort of listening, focused or passive. 

Things eventually got settled enough that I could at least check out what various music publications were fussing about in their year-end round ups. Not the most ideal avenue for discovery, but this has been a hard, tiring year and, despite some very promising releases and trends, I still feel a bit hopeless. I can’t even really be bothered to do any sort of ranking or make things even with a “20 for 2020,” so instead here’s a summary of some music that stood out to me. I can promise there are at least 15 releases mentioned - you can do a “choose your own adventure”  and rank them as you wish. 

Without a doubt, the only 2020 record that truly elevated me to a place where I stopped stressing out about things was Protomartyr’s Ultimate Success Today. These guys are by far my favorite band right now and their fifth album gave me so many new reasons to love them, from the propulsive “Michigan Hammers” and its stock footage masterpiece of a music video to elegant closer “Worm in Heaven.” Saxophonist Jemeel Moondoc, cellist Fred Lonberg-Holm and multi-instrumentalist Izaak Mills were deployed on most tracks and, rather than merely serving as a garnish for songs, their contributions added as much tension, heft, and brutal beauty as Protomartyr’s core members. Add in Half Waif’s Nandi Rose guesting on the Very Sad “June 21,” and you have one genuinely faultless release. In a similar vein, Algiers released their third and arguably strongest full-length, There is No Year, back in January and it served as a powerful, prescient (the title alone!) and just plain awesome reminder to keep fighting in even the darkest of times. 

This year I occasionally found myself praying for disco and I’m pretty sure Doja Cat’s sorta Chic-inspired “Say So” was the song I listened to the most in 2020 (yes, shame on me for a million different reasons). But little did I know 2020 was such an abundant year for mirrorball-indebted releases. Kylie Minogue’s Disco was a given, but what especially thrilled me were Roisin Murphy’s Roisin Machine and Jessie Ware’s What’s Your Pleasure? Murphy’s outstanding “Murphy’s Law” especially sounds like a lost classic from the ‘70s, while Ware’s titular “What’s Your Pleasure” is as fitting a Donna Summer tribute as any you could come across in the past 40 or so years. Ware’s record became slightly less cool when I realized she’s a podcasting mom who is friends with Adele, but What’s Your Pleasure?’s irresistible procession of Great Pop Moments solidifies it as one release I’ll keep coming back to. 

(Bonus: if you favor a no-wave / post-punk spin on disco, then look no further than Public Practice’s Gentle Grip). 

Ware and Murphy have been particularly prevalent on many of the major year-end lists, but I still carry a bit of skepticism about such things. Therefore, discussions such as this sub-Reddit (sorry) thread on regional picks has been useful in thinking outside the US and UK-favoring ranking systems (although there’s still a lot of anglo shit listed there as well). I’m hoping to listen to more releases from oft-overlooked countries thanks to some of these Redditors’ suggestions, although I’ve already spent a bit of time with Einsturzende Neubauten’s Alles in Allem and remain Team Blixa (if such a team exists). Despite my aforementioned trepidation, The Quietus’  list did compel me to check out the wonderfully somber offerings of Closed Circuits. This Portuguese artist describes himself as “Leonard Cohen being bothered by Coil,” and if that doesn’t entice you, I fear you may be a lost cause.  

This year we moved to Philadelphia, which means...A lot of things, but relevant to this summary, we found ourselves driving past some provocative graffiti stating “Make America Nothing Again” numerous times. Eventually I put two and two together and gave Nothing’s The Great Dismal a listen. Having not expected much beyond the clever marketing, I was pleasantly wowed by the quartet’s moody post-shoegaze offerings. I can barely discern any of the lyrics, but on vibe alone, The Great Dismal perfectly captures the heavy despair that permeated 2020. Add in Korine’s gloom-pop The Night We Raise and I can confidently say that Philly’s music scene is in good hands. 

I might have lied a bit at the start of this post - in saying I didn’t listen to music throughout 98% of the pandemic, I’m overlooking the many car rides spent revisiting Fontaines D.C.’s brilliant 2019 debut, Dogrel. While it didn’t impress me quite as much, this year’s A Hero’s Death was a mostly worthy successor, interspersing a few tranquil moments among the band’s more confrontational offerings. Not all of those moments worked for me, but these new directions were enticing enough for me to officially consider Fontaines a Band To Watch, if that’s still something people say. Oh yeah, and the video for the title tune slams. 

Speaking of music videos, I don’t usually rely on this medium for discovering bands, but that changed this year with Dehd. The trio’s videos are vibrant, conceptually clever, and relentlessly fun. Thank goodness that the music lives up to Dehd’s visual knack, with Flower of Devotion at times recalling The Jesus and Mary Chain and Roy Orbison in equal measure (especially on the stunning “Letter”). Emily Kempf’s versatile singing reminds me of everyone from Jana Hunter of Lower Dens to Carla Bozulich of The Geraldine Fibbers, yet it’s still bracing enough that every word she sings sounds utterly gripping. Who knows when gigs will happen again, but Flower of Devotion rocketed these folks to the top of my post-Covid gigging wishlist.  

Sparks is one act I can happily say I’ve seen numerous times. They are never ones to disappoint but, nearly 40 years into their career, the Mael brothers owe us nothing. Yet A Steady Drip, Drip, Drip is somehow an instant classic. It’s nothing short of astonishing that, at 75, Ron Mael can crank out a song that is equal parts insanely catchy, effortlessly humorous and deceptively sad, but he yet again nailed this trifecta with “Lawnmower,” to name but one. Russell Mael’s invincible vocals are in full effect throughout, particularly on the straight up lovely “Pacific Standard Time.” I would never even entertain the idea of using the term “pop / rock juggernaut,” but if it was regarding Sparks, I would at least not dispute it. 

(PS, special shout out to another singular duo of relatives, Prima Primo, who this year released my favorite song about Madonna since Sparks’ very own Madge tune, featured on 1988′s Interior Design.)

Finally, this list would absolutely be incomplete if I didn’t give mention to Bob Dylan’s fabulous Rough and Rowdy Ways. More than ever, 2020 felt like a year rife with stupid decisions, stupid actions and praise for mediocrity. A return to form from perhaps the greatest lyricist of all time is something many of us probably didn’t know we needed, but boy am I thankful for it (not as thankful as I would be for a second stimulus check, but still - next best thing). Dylan also gave us the fun bonus of having Fiona Apple guest on the outstanding “Murder Most Foul,” and of course Apple’s own Fetch the Bolt Cutters both featured her dogs as percussion and further solidified her place in the socio-political songwriting canon. Maybe there is something to be said for music after all!  

[storybookwolf]

Nancy Wheeler, Matchmaker (for day 6 of Jancy Week 2019, Idiots in love and/or Forelsket [how you feel when you first begin to fall in love])

August, 1984

As Miss Walsh’s junior history class filed out of the room, Jonathan was intently reading Fahrenheit 451, oblivious as always to the mass of students around him. Nancy nudged him with her hip to get his attention. “Hey, do you want to come to Travis’s party this weekend? Steve and I can pick you up.”

Jonathan cocked his head to the side, looking at Nancy with his eyebrows raised in his best are you kidding me? expression. “Absolutely not.”

“Come on, why not? Are you afraid you might actually have fun?” she teased.

“It’s my greatest fear,” he said, deadpan. “But seriously, you know I don’t go to parties. They’re full of people, and I don’t like people.”

Nancy rolled her eyes. “You like some people.”

“Okay, fine, I like three people: my mom, Will and you. But if you keep trying to get me to go to parties, the list might be down to two.”

“Got it. I won’t bring it up again,” said Nancy. “Are you still up for studying after school today?”

“Sure,” he said. “I’ll meet you at my car.” They parted at the end of the hallway, him heading towards the art rooms and her towards the labs.

Nancy paused for a moment to watch him walk away, looking down at his book again but somehow still managing to navigate through the crowd. Like he was his own little planet, existing within Hawkins High but somehow not really a part of it. She was pretty sure that there were days when she was the only person he even spoke to at school. Other than a few awful weeks after everything that happened last year, when he was hassled for being a “pervert”, everyone other than her seemed to not even know he existed.

But then she noticed something. A girl – Samantha something, maybe Perrottet? – standing at a locker. It was open, but instead of getting her books, Samantha’s eyes were fixed on Jonathan as he walked down the hall. She even turned to watch him as he passed her. Unsurprisingly, Jonathan didn’t notice at all, too engrossed by Ray Bradbury. But Nancy saw it, and knew exactly what was happening.

This Samantha girl had a crush on Jonathan.

Nancy was delighted. This was so great! In the months that they’d been friends, she’d gotten to know what a sweet, kind, funny person Jonathan was, and it bothered her that no one else seemed to appreciate that. They were in a few of the same classes, and would study together after school once or twice a week. But she knew that whenever she was with Steve or Allie or Stacy, Jonathan was either working or holed up in his room. She wished that he had other people to hang out with – and now maybe he would.

She hurried off to physics, but the only formulas in her mind were how to get Jonathan and Samantha together.

***

It had been nice to learn that Jonathan Byers was the perfect study companion. Steve usually spent most of their study sessions trying to distract her from her work, and Allie and Stacy either wanted to gossip or get her to do their work for them. But she and Jonathan always seemed to strike the perfect balance between getting lots of work done and still having fun. It was almost like how things had been with Barb.

But that afternoon in the library, Nancy couldn’t focus on her notes. Instead, she was just waiting for the right moment to bring up Samantha. Did Jonathan even know her? She’d moved to Hawkins in middle school, and seemed to mostly hang out with band and drama kids. She was pretty, but not in a showy way, and was almost as quiet as Jonathan. Nancy wasn’t even sure if she’d ever spoken to her.

Her mind was still trying to think of a subtle way to ask Jonathan about Samantha when her mouth blurted out, “Samantha Perrottet has a crush on you.”

Jonathan froze, his pencil poised above the page. “What?”

“Umm. I just realised today, but I think she really likes you. You should…” Nancy shrugged. “You should ask her out.”

He dropped his pencil and leaned back in his chair, looking more nervous than he had when they were preparing to face the Demogorgon. “I, um, uh—I don’t even know her,” he said, colour rising in his cheeks.

“Well, maybe you should get to know her,” said Nancy. “She seems nice. And she’s pretty, don’t you think?”

Jonathan’s face was really red now. “I guess, yeah. I don’t know.” He twisted uncomfortably in his seat. “Listen, uh… I just remembered that Mom wants me home early today. I should go. You’re okay to wait for Steve to pick you up after practice, right?” Without waiting for an answer, he gathered up his things and rushed out of the library.

Even though her conversation with Jonathan about it couldn’t have gone worse, Nancy couldn’t stop thinking about setting him up with Samantha. It wasn’t surprising that he’d been so flustered when she’d brought it up – he’d never had a girlfriend. She wanted that for him, wanted him to have somebody who loved him and saw what a great guy he was. And she was pretty sure he’d make a great boyfriend.

This wasn’t her first attempt at finding someone for him. Over the summer, Stacy had been lamenting the limited selection of single high school boys in Hawkins. “Seriously, Nancy, Steve was the last decent guy in town, and now that he’s off the market there’s nobody,” she’d said. When Nancy suggested that Jonathan was good boyfriend material, Stacy just rolled her eyes, and she’d let the idea go.

But she just couldn’t let Samantha go. So Nancy did what she did best – research. By the end of the week, she knew that Samantha got mostly Bs, that she was a percussionist in the school band, and that she worked at the Dairy Queen, saving money to go on exchange to Italy. But most importantly, she found out that Samantha liked music that Nancy’s sources described as “weird” and “gloomy” – the exact words she would have used to describe half the stuff Jonathan listened to. Surely this was destiny.

It was time to step things up. Luckily, Nancy’s years of being a star student had ingratiated her with the school secretary. She dropped by the office before school with some of her mother’s fresh muffins for Mrs Verney, and when the older lady went to make a coffee to go with them, Nancy quickly found Samantha’s schedule in the files and copied it. All she had to do was cross-reference it with Jonathan’s, and she’d find all the possible opportunities for them to meet.

The only problem now was convincing Jonathan.

***

Nancy knew that persuading Jonathan to ask Samantha out would be the hardest part of her plan, so she decided to adopt a two-pronged approach. The first was to slowly, gradually reintroduce the topic, as subtly as she could, so as not to freak him out like last time. The second was to start taking routes through Hawkins High where they were more likely to see Samantha, so that when Jonathan was ready to make a move it could all come together naturally.

She hadn’t made much progress on the first prong — it was harder than she’d thought — but the second worked surprisingly quickly. One Tuesday, as they were cutting across the west hallway en route from English to Pre-Calc, Samantha was heading the other way (from Algebra to Social Studies). The younger girl was in such a rush that she literally ran into Jonathan as she passed, nearly dropping her books.

“Oh shit, sorry, I—” Samantha stopped speaking when she saw exactly who she’d run into. Her face went white. “I…. Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine,” said Jonathan.

“Okay, thanks.” Samantha smiled and rushed off again.

It was possibly one of the most awkward social interactions Nancy had ever seen, even though Jonathan was actually more relaxed than he usually was when talking to his peers.

“I told you she liked you,” said Nancy, unable to stop herself from smirking a little.

Jonathan looked exasperated. “She would have bumped into anybody who was standing there just now. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“She wouldn’t have been that flustered if she’d bumped into anyone else, believe me. Are you actually this oblivious, or is it just an act?”

“I’m not…” He sighed.

“All I’m saying is, she likes you and she seems nice. So you should try to get to know her.”

Jonathan looked down at his shoes, his brow furrowing as he fiddled with the strap of his bag. “Why are you so invested in this?” he said quietly.

“You’re my friend and I want you to be happy, that’s all,” Nancy said as they reached their classroom.

Jonathan looked slightly pained. “What would make me happy right now, is not talking about this any more,” he said.

So Nancy let the subject drop. But whether it was her needling or Samantha’s battering-ram approach, Jonathan and the sophomore would now say “hey” to each other when they passed in the hall. And over the next few weeks, Nancy even saw them having a couple of actual conversations (very short ones, but it still counted). When banners for Homecoming went up, Nancy had to bite her tongue to stop herself suggesting that Jonathan ask Samantha to the dance. But even if her matchmaking hadn’t worked, she was still glad that Jonathan had someone else he could talk to.

“Hey, do you want to study after school today? I’m already freaking out about the test next week,” asked Nancy as they took their seats in history one morning.

“Oh, I’d really like to but I can’t,” said Jonathan. “I, uh, have something on.”

Nancy looked confused. “You don’t usually work Tuesdays. Did you swap shifts with Eric?”

“No, I, uh … I’m hanging out with Samantha.”

Nancy’s eyes lit up. “What? Why didn’t you tell me? When did you ask her out?”

He blushed. “I didn’t! And it’s not like that. Yesterday I said something about the Depeche Mode picture on her folder, and she asked if I’d heard their new album. I said I hadn’t, so she invited me over to listen to it today. It’s not a date or anything, we’re just hanging out.”

Just then, Miss Walsh walked in and started the class. Nancy spent the whole period stealing glances across at her friend, and thinking about his “not a date” which she was 100% certain was a date.

***

Since she was studying on her own that afternoon, Nancy went home instead of to the library. But somehow she just couldn’t focus on her notes. Her mind kept wandering to Jonathan and Samantha, wondering how their “not a date” was going.

She knew she should have felt smug. Victorious, even. This was exactly what she’d wanted: Jonathan having a cute music-nerd date with a nice, pretty girl who was into the same things he was.

But instead, whenever she thought of Jonathan and Samantha her stomach would lurch a little, and her skin would feel weirdly hot. She found herself getting irritated by the whole idea of the two of them together, even though she'd spent weeks trying to make it happen.

Oh shit. She was jealous.

It hit her like a wave of nausea. How could she have been so stupid? All this time she’d spent wishing Jonathan had a girlfriend, what she’d really wanted deep down was to be that girlfriend. And now she’d pushed him straight into the arms of Samantha, a girl who was actually bold enough to invite a guy she barely knew over to her house to listen to an album. Her stereo was probably in her bedroom, too, which was awfully convenient. Honestly, it was a Steve Harrington-level move, and she almost admired Samantha’s brashness. She would have admired it, if Samantha was using these moves on any other boy. But now Nancy realised that if any girl was going to be kissing Jonathan Byers, she wanted it to be her.

She needed a new plan. A counter-plan, one to undo all the careful scheming that had gotten her into this mess in the first place. Turning to a fresh page in her notebook, she quickly scribbled down some ideas.

Ring Samantha’s house and tell Jonathan there’s an emergency with Will, and he needs to go home right away. Pro: He would definitely leave. Con: It’s a low blow, and he’d be upset when he realised I lied.

Go over to Samantha’s house, pretending I think Jonathan has my history textbook. When I get there, feign enthusiasm for Depeche Mode and insist on staying to listen to the album. Pro: Third wheels always kill romance. Con: I would have to listen to Depeche Mode.

Do nothing, and just hope nothing happens between them. Call Jonathan later tonight, and tell him how I feel. Pro: Doesn’t involve lying or embarrassing myself in front of Jonathan and Samantha. Con: The thought of telling him I love him is terrifying.

She stared at the list for a few minutes. She couldn’t do option 1 – it was just too cruel to use Will as a pawn. And option 2 would make her look like a crazy person. Which left option 3. The scariest one, but also the most honest. If she ever wanted to have a real relationship with Jonathan, it had to be built on the fact that they were friends who could trust each other, who said what they were really thinking. She just had to wait until tonight.

It was going to be a very long afternoon…

[glassprism]

What's your absolute favourite recording (official or not) of the show? Why?

Oh, I have a very long list of favorites, especially if you include “unofficial” (read: bootleg) recordings. Luckily, I’ve made listings of them already. Here’s an ask that links to a list of a lot of well-loved audios, plus a few others. This one, recently updated, ranks all the cast recordings. And this one ranks a bunch of my favorite videos, plus a few cast albums and audios.

Just to add on to that last one, since a lot of new videos have come out:

August 18, 2010; London; Shannon/Beck/Bailey: I’m so grateful that I finally have this video. It’s beautifully filmed, gorgeous detail and color, and catches virtually all the best moments of the show, and particularly everything Gina Beck does. She makes this video - Shannon is good when he’s not restraining himself, Bailey is a bit too shouty, but Gina Beck is divine. I still go back and rewatch parts of this video for her.

March 2019; London; Thaxton/Mathieson/Taylor: Probably one of the best videos to come out of London in the last...decade, practically. A little dark, but like the above, it’s so nicely filmed, and it has another splendid cast. Thaxton adds lots of fine details, and Kelly Mathieson basically cemented her place as one of my near-favorite Christines.

March 9, 2013; Broadway; Stolle/Hill/Mills: I love this video, and based on the streams on Discord, so do many other people. I recently went back and rewatched a few bits from it, and was struck all over again with how much I liked it. Stolle is super restrained, but in a good way; he pours everything into his voice, and it means any little emotion he does show with his body is almost amplified. Samantha Hill is wonderful, still one of my favorite Christines, fearful and strong and passionate all at once with a ton of little details. And Greg Mills is a great Raoul, a real improvement since his tour days, more mature, more loving with Christine. Only flaws of this video is that it misses part of Act 1, there’s a head in the center, and the audience seems really drunk, given their laughter at the most random moments.

2000; Mexico; Vasconcelos/Terrazas/Joel: The video where all the “Saulo hands” gifsets came from. I treasure this video so much, and love how the cast seems to have been given so much freedom in their roles. Jose Joel is... there, but Irasema Terrazas was great, fiery and responsive to her co-actors. But the real highlight is Saulo Vasconcelos and his hands, and he does things I’ve never seen any actor do.

April 11, 2014; Germany; Arnsperger/Brons/Wuchinger: Now, I’ll admit - there are better casts from this production - I do tend to like Valerie Link’s Christine a bit better than Lauri Brons, and David Arnsperger is a cool, old-school Phantom but sometimes lacks the details Mathias Edenborn started throwing in at the end. But for whatever reason, this video stuck with me. Maybe it’s partially due to how well-filmed and how good the quality is, but a lot of it is also Lauri Brons and her crazy eyes, her nervous temperament as Christine combined with a will of steel.

2014; Russia; Ermak/Kotova/Zaycev: Possibly my favorite video to come out of the Russian production. Evgeny Zaycev is a strong, capable Raoul; Dmitri Ermak is a suave Phantom, perhaps his only flaw being he’s a little too smooth; and Tamara Kotova is the highlight of this show, a ray of sunshine and with such empathy for the Phantom.

March 2019; Copenhagen; Kofod/Glosted/Lund: If I was holding an award show for “Bootlegs of the Year” (which I’m not, do not give me ideas), this would probably take the prize. First, an actual video of the Danish production! Second, a well-filmed one! Third, probably one of my favorite casts in recent years - Tomas Ambt Kofod, who plays nutty with vulnerable so well; Sibylle Glosted, operatic, sympathetic, full of chemistry with her co-actors; Christian Lund, the kindest and most nuanced Raoul I’ve seen in years. The entire production was on fire; this is definitely one I will rewatch constantly.

[doomedandstoned]

Wasteland Coven Summon Doom From the Rust Belt

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By Billy Goate

You're about to meet a true blue, dyed in the wool doom band from Ohio, which I discovered just a few weeks ago. This is WASTELAND COVEN, aptly named considering the industrial devastation that has visited the midwest, accentuated now even more in a time of pandemic. 'Ruined' (2020) is their debut EP and it features a singer, Susan Mitchel, that I would rank with Susie MacMullen of Brume and Dorthia Cottrell of Windhand. Sometimes vocalists try to pull off that coveted, full-bodied range, but end up sounding thin and wobbly. Not here.

Performing double duty on bass, Susan is joined in this Toledo crew by guitarists Bill Anderson and Brandon Collins, along with drummer Jason Wilcox. This is meat and potatoes doom, too, each of the three tracks on Ruined bearing the formative influences of Candlemass and Saint Vitus (the vocal cadence and guitar solos of "The Great Colossus"), Trouble and My Dying Bride (the mysterious and dramatic "Endless Night"), and the aforementioned Windhand (the riff laden intro to "Midsummer Days").

This mix of beauty and beast works well for Wasteland Coven. Susan's vocals take wings with sad urgency, rising above the dense, darkly downtuned procession of smoke and fire. Bittersweet leads break through the haze here and again, too, if for no other reason than to accent the gravity of the moment.

I've listened to the EP multiple times in a row and it is substantial enough to keep my appetite for doom satiated, without overstaying its welcome with an overly-familiar taste. Look for its release on Friday, April 17th (pre-order CD here), and listen to the record whole right here, right now via Doomed & Stoned!

Give ear...

Ruined by Wasteland Coven

A Chat with Wasteland Coven Guitarist Brandon Collins

Take us back to the band's origins. How did it all begin for you guys?

Things got started in late 2018, when our drummer Jason posted on Facebook asking if anybody wanted to play something dark and heavy. He was already playing in a punk band (The Old Breed) and a noise rock band (Sog City) so he was really looking to start more of a Manilla Road inspired band - he's a big Manilla Road fan. Sue (bass and vocals) and I (guitar) were both interested in Jason's pitch but style shifted a little bit as we all got together. By the first time we met up, he said to aim for Candlemass meets My Dying Bride (which I declared sorcery) and from there we drifted into the doom menagerie that we're at now.

Jason quickly roped in another guitar player, but after a month or two he lost interest, so we spent some time looking for another. During that search period we sketched out our first songs and booked some studio time for later in the year - we were going to record what we had regardless of who we had. Eventually Sue reached out to Bill who solidified the lineup midway through 2019 and we were officially a band. We practiced, finished up the songs as a four piece, and went to Lakebottom Recording House in September 2019.

How about a walk-through of the songs on 'Ruined' (2020)?

Midsummer Days

I think we all agree that this is the best song on here. It was going to be a shorter and simpler song originally, but it really kind of blossomed with all of us adding new bits to it. Lyrics mainly involve the imagery and feelings of a dying world. Really it's a sad, poetic veil over the changing of seasons, summer to fall to winter - seeing everything in nature fade and decay as seasonal depression kicks in. Admittedly, "Midsummer Days" isn't really a doomy title, but when you realize that they're dead. That'll teach you to judge too quickly! Kinda had to push Sue a bit to do the "trailing off into the void" vocals right at the end. She was reluctant, but I'm really glad she did them. It really adds some resonating loneliness.

Great Colossus

So originally, I came up with the riffs for this, played them for Jason, and when he added drums, his style immediately put Sue in mind of robots -- giant robots. And that drove us to make this our weirdest song lyrically, about falling in love with a giant robot with sexual overtones. Sue and I went back and forth on the lyrics for this one a lot, tweaking it to put just the right sultry spin on something cold and mechanical. This song sort of prompted the cover art. Around the time we were recording songs Sue was at an art show and saw the piece. Made her think of the song and said we needed it on our EP!

Endless Night

This was our first song, so I like to say it has first song syndrome -- not quite as strong as the others and maybe sticks out a little more 'cause you're trying to find your direction. But the main riff and the solos are still fun, so why not? Since it was going to be the first song for our doom band, the lyrics hit on a pretty typical doom metal topic: death. But I suppose the twist is that it's more about setting aside your fears and finding peace in your demise -- even as the music kind of betrays that peace and hints at the dread and dark thoughts behind it all. Solos here were fun to do. I take the first half of the solo section and Bill takes the second half, so we each get a chance to go our own direction just meeting for a moment to hand it off in the middle.

What was the recording process like for the band?

The bulk of it was done over the course of two weekends, September 27-29 and October 4-6 in 2019 (with a bit of touch up and review a few times afterwards). We went to Lakebottom Recording House in Toledo owned and operated by J.C. Griffin. Jason had recorded with J.C. many times before and refused to go anywhere else. But for the rest of us, it was our first time there and it was fantastic.

It's hard to imagine how it would have worked out with anyone else. J.C. is super encouraging and immediately invested in making sure you're getting a great sound - he's gives great direction for process, equipment, and performance. Really great weekends overall hanging out and playing music the whole time. The hardest part might have actually been the work week in between those two weekends -- coming down from all the joys and excitement with days full of music made "regular" life such a dull slog where we were just desperate to go back and do it again. Easily the most fun and best experience I've had recording.

In retrospect, maybe it was a bit weird that we were all so happy and having such a great time producing this melancholy music, but I don't think we put any thought into it at the time. Susan was extremely nervous and self-conscious when it came time to do her vocals, but with enough liquid courage she nailed it.

It looks like you had the album cover commissioned?

Artwork was done by Jackie McKown who lives here in Toledo. Sue saw the piece at an art show where Jackie was showing her stuff. These giant robot creatures wrecking shit was pretty in line with the initial themes of Great Colossus - it was lacking the sex/love angle, but it still fit just fine with the kind of destructive war-machines that could inspire love. Sue was very taken with it right away, so we went with it.

There's also presumably death and longing for better times involved in that kind of city-wide rampage, so you can tie into the other tracks as well. We sort of let that guide us, having the artwork inspire the title "Ruined." We had a city being ruined on the cover and we could find some form of ruination in each song. Then when it came time to lay everything out, we decided to ruin things a little more, adding wrinkles and dirt marks and imperfections.

This last question is just for the gearheads! Tell us what you're sporting these days?

Brandon: Epiphone Les Paul Studio guitar with an Orange Crush CR120C amp (frequently used to accidentally drown out everyone else), and for pedals: Big Muff Pi (with Tone Wicker), MXR EVH Phase 90, Cry Baby Wah.

Sue: Ibanez BTB 5 String Quilt Top bass, DR Dragon Skin strings (allergic to nickel), with a Fender Rumble 500 Combo amp and Big Muff Pi pedal.

Bill: ESP LTD Viper-256 w/Gibson 498T bridge guitar, ESP LTD EC-100 w/EMG 81/85. Amps include Peavey Valveking 2x12, Carvin X100-B 100 watt head*, and Carvin 4x12 Cab (used as needed). Pedal of choice: Digitech GNX4 Multi-Effects.

Jason: Tama Rockstar Drums.

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[perditaalottachocolate-blog]

Spring Fever (11)

@adrinetteapril 2019 story

Chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | art | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | art | 18 | 19 | 20 |

AO3 / fanfiction.net

Chapter 11. In the rain

In which Adrien has a wet dream

Soft hum of rain lulled him to sleep that night. There had been a storm earlier in the evening, splashing his windows with rain and flooding the room with strobing light. Adrien’s head was heavy, overflowing with tentative thoughts. He felt the weight of Marinette’s gift in the pocket of his pajama shirt as he slipped into slumber.

First thing he noticed was her presence. Adrien opened his eyes only to see Marinette in an absolutely stunning bun and a waitress outfit sitting next to him, watching the Ladybug and Chat Noir film. In the dim light of the screen her profile seemed carved in stone, a fresh coat of blush blooming on her cheeks. Their elbows were touching, the pleasing warmth radiating off her hand and pouring into him. He smiled at her.

‘I love you,’ he whispered. He blinked and the scene before his eyes shifted.

Now he was walking down the runway, proudly presenting Marinette’s hat. She was there, too, in the audience, her smile radiant if a bit timid. So many eyes were trained on him at that moment, but he only cared for that pair of blue. He should have been looking ahead, but he caught her gaze and couldn’t help but to hold it for a little bit longer, turning his head and keeping the contact until he got too far. A cat-like smirk curved his lips at her attention.

‘I love you,’ he mouthed, barely opening his mouth, and his surrounding changed again.

Now there was a sabre in his hand and he was launching himself at Marinette. She parried his hit and touched his chest a split second later. He pulled his mask off his face and opened his mouth to praise her reflexes, but it was another confession that spilled from his lips.

It happened over and over again. He wanted to compliment her gaming skills when they practiced for the Ultimate Mecha Strike III tournament, yet all he could say was “I love you, Marinette”. He fidgeted nervously in front of her, waiting for her to sign her name over a fresh new Jagged Stone album. He wanted to say how much he admired her creativity and passion but those weren’t the words he spoke. Now he was running, his hand tightly gripping her small palm. Marinette pushed him into the fountain at the park and told him to keep his head low. The running footsteps that followed, passed them and faded away. The “thank you” he was about to say never made it past his lips. Neither did the knightmare pun he so desperately wanted to drop in front of Marinette after Darkblade, like a proud cat dropping a mouse in front of his owner. He was sure she’d appreciate a little show.

Adrien needed her appreciation. His heart hammered in his chest as he presented her with the bracelet he made for her birthday. Marinette’s dazed smile was the best reward he could ask for. He remembered standing there, with the bracelet she had given him, gazing at the item affectionately. The spring wind carried his soft susurration of “I love you” into the night.

But then it was another evening and he watched Marinette on her balcony, sad and thoughtful. He lifted her in his arms, feeling her hands snake around his neck. He murmured sweet nothings into her soft hair, as he carried her over the rooftops.

She was the Ladybug to his Chat Noir in Clara’s video. The memory of her hand in his brought the gentle tickling of excitement to his chest. Awkward and sweet and lovely, she gazed at him from under her long dark lashes. All he wanted to whisper into her ear at that moment was-

‘I love you, Marinette,’ he said into his microphone, hiding behind the bushes at the zoo. He waited, mortified, if Nino would repeat this line, but it never came.

Adrien thrashed between the sheets as his dreaming consciousness was dragged from one moment to another. That’s just spring fever’s doing, he thought. Marinette’s just a friend, she’s just a friend, he insisted and the dream picked up his mantra in a blink.

Now he was chasing after Marinette, leaving a nonplussed Kagami on the ice rink.

‘You’re supposed to be in love with Ladybug, and now you ditch Kagami to go after Marinette?’ Plagg frowned at him.

‘Me? Going after Marinette?’ Adrien laughed. ‘No, she’s… she’s…,’ his throat dried .

Plagg’s scowl morphed into Kagami’s amused face as she asked, ‘You like her a lot, huh?’

‘Marinette?’ he shrugged. ‘Yeah, of course! She’s a very good f-   she’s a-’

His gaze dropped to his feet and suddenly there’s the heart-shaped valentine in his hands, bearing the writing so similar to Marinette’s.

‘No,’ he shook his head. ‘Marinette couldn’t possibly be in love with me. She loves fashion. She’s just a fr- agh,‘ he launched into a coughing fit, his own tongue betraying him for an upteenth time.  

His hand clenched over the handkerchief on instinct. He brought it up to his nose, still enveloped in the dream.

A gentle touch of her hand on his face. Soft lips brushing his cheek.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered timidly, a sight so adorable he couldn’t withhold the tender smile even if he tried.

‘You’re welcome, Marinette,’ he replied. ‘Wanna dance?’

Her hand was back in his as he didn’t even wait for her reply just straight dragged her to the dance floor. A small smile adorned her lips, as he took the lead in their slow dance. She didn’t protest when his hold, by Alya’s meddling, turned more intimate and cuddly. Their dance didn’t resemble a waltz anymore, but the gentle sway with her in his arms was everything he ever wanted. He closed his eyes in a bliss and breathed in the earthly scents of flowers, of spring, of love.

When he looked at her again they weren’t in the ballroom anymore, but in class.

‘I’m not scared of that monster, Officer Jones!’ Marinette declared.

There was no fear in her eyes, but anxious anticipation. Something Adrien could relate to as his gaze dropped to her pink lips and he leaned in to seal them with a kiss. A kiss he wanted so desperately, nothing else existed in that moment.

He blinked at the clap of thunder. There was an umbrella in his outstretched hand. A spark leaped to it as Marinette’s fingers brushed over his. Her hand clasped the handle. Her eyes, her gorgeous eyes bored into him, seeing right into his soul. He was so lost in them he didn’t mind the rain pouring over him. He didn’t mind the wet shirt clinging to his chest, enchanted by that blue gaze and the timid laughter that escaped her.

‘First day of school and we already have two love birds,’ Plagg teased, flying from under his shirt.

‘Whatever,’ Adrien shrugged, smiling at mere thought of the girl, who still stood on the stairs. ‘She’s just… ‘ he frowned. He had the words at the tip of his tongue. He tossed them in his mind for a moment, before deciding that yes, they fit perfectly. ‘She’s just the love of my life.’

A thunder rolled over the street. At another flash the sky broke over his head drowning him in rain.

‘What the hell!?’ Adrien yelled waking up.

Yes, it wasn’t a dream, even if the storm kept rumbling behind his windows. He was dripping water to his sheets. His whole bed was drenched. And the god of destruction was floating over his head with a trash bin that had been recently relieved of its water cargo. Plagg’s face was a mixture of self-satisfaction and concern.

‘Text her,’ the kwami threw a phone at him, not bothering to explain the surprise shower. ‘Now. Tell her to come to the photoshoot,’ he instructed.

Adrien blinked. He scowled at the flying cat, still panting after trying to catch his breath.

‘You need that kiss,’ the sprite drawled. ‘You need it bad.’

****

Author’s Note: It's late, I'm tired, so please excuse me if I'm not coherent. But I just wanted to get this chapter up, because I have no idea when the next update might happen with how things are going in my life. Let's just say, there's enough stuff for three of me, and I haven't figured out how to clone myself yet.

But I want to thank you all so much for all the great comments, good vibes and positive thoughts you send my way. Know, that you make me very happy and help me keep going!

[girlsbtrs]

My Senior Soundtrack - Playlist

Written by Jen Moglia. Graphic by Allison Thompson. 

At the end of this month, I’ll finally be graduating high school. Typing that sentence definitely felt surreal. 

Years and years of hard work and stress, with some not-so-bad times mixed in, will culminate in the moment I’ve been waiting for for as long as I can remember. I had been told countless times that senior year would be easy and that high school would consist of the best years of my life, and while I did enjoy a lot of it, there were also some incredibly difficult times, especially this year. 

What follows is a list of songs that got me through some of those darker moments. I hope that they can be there for you too. 

“Roses” - Watsky

Favorite Lyric: “Leaving is supposed to be hard / Man, I thought it so was selfish of people I love to keep falling out of my life / But now I know / No, I don't take it personal”

This was a song that I connected with a lot when making decisions for college - did I want to move away and start a new adventure on my own, or did I want to stay home with all the people and places that I knew and loved? Listening to these lyrics helped me feel better about my decision to move away for school, learning that I wasn’t selfish for wanting to start fresh.

“Never Grow Up” - Taylor Swift

Favorite Lyric: “And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots / But don't make her drop you off around the block / Remember that she's gettin' older too / And don't lose the way that you dance / Around in your PJs getting ready for school”

Taylor Swift is one of my favorite artists of all time, and this song has been hitting particularly hard for me lately. For as much as I can’t wait to start this next chapter of my life, there’s so much about home and my family that I’ll miss more than they will ever know.

“Boston” - Augustana

Favorite Lyric: “She said ‘I think I'll go to Boston / I think I'll start a new life / I think I'll start it over / Where no one knows my name’”

Augustana’s most popular song, I listened to this track a ton when I was first starting high school, dreaming of running away someday. The fact that that day is almost here is crazy to me.

“Swim” - Jack’s Mannequin

Favorite Lyric: “You gotta swim, swim in the dark / There's no shame in drifting / Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark / Yeah, you gotta swim, don't let yourself sink / Just find the horizon / I promise you, it's not as far as you think”

Another song that I loved in my late middle school/early high school years, this band and all of Andrew McMahon’s projects in general have been staples in my Spotify library for years. This track in particular served as motivation for me to keep going during hard times.

“North Hansen” - Bearings

Favorite Lyric: “I've got dreams, I've got needs / I've got things I believe / That I just can not let go / I still, think about you every single day / I still miss that old North Hansen Home / Sometimes I wanna go home / All I'm saying is the ending scares me every time / Your words replaying / Over and over I save them in my mind / Now I'm grabbing a hold / Of what's about to unfold”

On the flip side, Bearings has been a huge part of the last few years of my high school experience; their 2019 tour with Grayscale, Belmont, and Rich People was the first tour I ever did multiple dates of, and those days and nights I spent traveling and singing my heart out truly changed my life. I leaned on this band’s entire discography during my junior and senior year, but this song specifically reminded me that it’s okay to be scared of leaving home as the future approaches.

“Ribs” - Lorde

Favorite Lyric: “This dream isn't feeling sweet / We're reeling through the midnight streets / And I've never felt more alone / It feels so scary getting old / I want 'em back / The minds we had / How all the thoughts / Moved 'round our heads”

How could I make a “coming of age” playlist without this song on it? Lorde has been a big part of my life for a while now - her hit song “Royals” was the ringtone on my first Smartphone in fifth grade, and I saw her live for the first time on the night before my 15th birthday on her Melodrama World Tour in Brooklyn, New York. Much like the last song, this track perfectly captures the fear of the future and getting older.

“Atlantic” - Grayscale

Favorite Lyric: “This place feels more and more like nowhere to me / I'm sick of waiting for a fire to ignite / I could just leave here without a goodbye / I'll burn down this bridge / And set my life up in smoke...I want to go / Run from this panic / I need the unknown”

As I mentioned earlier, attending four dates of Grayscale’s Nella Vita Part One Tour and six dates of the album cycle in total (bringing me to a grand total of ten times seeing this band) was a formative experience for me. Getting to end every night screaming the lyrics to this song, once again, dreaming of starting a new life as soon as I could, was cathartic.

“City Lights” - Emblem 3

Favorite Lyric: “Caught up in those pretty city lights / Wishing on a star for your direction / Thinking of a new and different life / Babe, I know this one ain't what you've been dreaming”

I choreographed my “senior solo” in my dance class to this song, one of my favorites for many years. Although I have a feeling it’s about someone moving thousands of miles away to chase dreams of stardom rather than moving two hours away to attend college, it certainly served as a source of comfort for me.

“Play” - Rich People

Favorite Lyric: “Because I know I'm beautiful enough / For someone to love / I don't know many things / But I feel everything / And I'm just too young to give up”

Rich People is my favorite band of all time, which you probably already know if you follow me on social media, and getting to watch them perform and connect with them was a major part of why following the Nella Vita Part One Tour was so pivotal for me. This song is my favorite off of their most recent album “Harmony”, and my graduation cap will have these lyrics in frontman Rob Rich’s handwriting on it later this month. This band and this song mean everything to me.

“Dream Envy” - Rich People

Favorite Lyric: “It's no way to live / Sitting on the fence asking myself ‘what if?’”

Another Rich People song, no surprise here, this is one of my favorites from their first release, “Jacob’s Ladder.” It reminded me that “sitting on the fence asking myself ‘what if?’”, is, indeed, no way to live, and it pushed me to make definitive decisions, leaving no stone unturned.

“Something Bigger Than This” - Trophy Eyes

Favorite Lyric: “I'm still flying through my twenties / Waiting for someone to say I made it / Golden boy, tiny paycheck / Big ideas and broken heartstrings / Waking up in the same old skin / It ain't easy to believe / We were born for something bigger than this / It don't make much sense right now / But it will all come together when the lights go out”

I saw Trophy Eyes live for the first time at the start of my sophomore year at the Stereo Garden in Patchogue, New York, leaving my last-period algebra class early to attend their show with Neck Deep, WSTR, and Stand Atlantic (sorry, Ms. Sloane). Their music has resonated deeply with me since then, and this song has especially been a huge source of motivation for me when I was feeling down about myself.

“Forevermore” - The Maine

Favorite Lyric: “Never really ever felt this type of vulnerable / Don't have to hide, don't have to fear / All you have to be is here...And I said, ‘I wanna feel like this forever’ / Even if forever's just for now / We're on fire, let us burn / As the outside world, it turns / We are here and alive / In our corner of time / Forevermore”

The Maine is another band that I feel has been here for me for as long as I can remember, remaining in my daily rotation since the summer before high school started. This song, off their most recent album “You Are OK”, has reminded me that wherever I am is exactly where I need to be at that point in time and to embrace every single moment.

“Flowers on the Grave” - The Maine

Favorite Lyric: “Feel the moment all around you / And the quiet that surrounds you / The time you have is sacred / Don't wait around and waste it / They can't take that away from you / Everything is temporary / Even the sorrow that you carry...'Cause you don't plan life, you live it / You don't take love, you give it / You can't change what is written / So when fate cries, you listen / And flowers on the grave / Of the child that I used to be”

The first time that I saw The Maine was at the New York City date of their “The Mirror” tour at Webster Hall. When they closed with this song, I was near inconsolable; my friends were practically passing me around to hug me and make sure I was alright. Similar to the last song, this track reminds me to live life to the fullest and not take anything for granted, not wasting any time mourning the past and only looking towards the future.

“Old Book” - Real Friends

Favorite Lyric: “It really weirds me out / Because I never thought I'd be where I am today...This isn’t where I want to be / Getting older scares the shit out of me”

On the topic of bands that were constants for me in my formative years, Real Friends was one of the first pop-punk bands that I truly loved. I wore a shirt with their “The Home Inside My Head” album cover on it on my first day of high school, and their 2018 show with Eat Your Heart Out, Grayscale, and Boston Manor at Irving Plaza in New York City was one of my first real general admission concerts; I don’t think I’d be where I am today if I didn’t go to that show. This song  always served as a reminder that I wasn’t alone in my worries about the future, and that it would all be okay, even if I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going.

“Satellite” - Rise Against

Favorite Lyric: “We'll come clean and start over / The rest of our lives / When we're gone, we'll stay gone / Out of sight, out of mind / It's not too late, we have the rest of our lives...This is a life that you can’t deny us now”

Four years ago this week, I saw Rise Against for the first time, opening for Deftones at Jones Beach in Wantagh, New York with my dad; at the end of July, I’ll get to see them kick off their latest tour at Pier 17 in New York City with one of my best friends. If that isn’t a full-circle moment, I don’t know what is. Rise Against is one of my favorite bands of all time, and their music has always made me feel strengthened and empowered. This song specifically inspired me to reclaim my own life, not letting anyone else determine the outcome and my mindset but myself - it’s also the perfect angsty soundtrack to a fresh start.

“Something Special” - A Will Away

Favorite Lyric: “‘Pull out your clothes / You're made for something special’ / If that's what it takes to get you out of bed / You think you're meant for California / But that's just in your head / I saw you howling at the street lights / Pressed against the skin you want to shed / You tore down all the walls for answers / And found this shit instead...Don't let the poison that surrounds you / Stifle out the life you want to live / Please know it truly doesn't matter / And truly never did”

Though I’ve been listening to them since my sophomore year of high school, A Will Away is a band that I really got into this year as a senior. “Something Special” is my favorite song off of their album “Here Again”, and while I know it wasn’t written about finding friends that feel like family, rejecting negativity, and starting a new chapter, that’s certainly what it’s about for me.

“Lead Balloon” - Vanna

Favorite Lyric: “This isn't how we die / You're not reading the ending right / You are meant for greatness / Open up your eyes and face it / Now to your feet and follow me / The road is hard but you're harder / Can't you feel your heartbeat starting?...You're weak but you can feel now / Your soul slowly getting out / You are so strong / And you'll have to carry on now / Cause I know that you know how”

Vanna’s “All Hell” was an album I discovered around this time last year, and I listened to it non-stop for all of summer 2020. It became one of my favorite records ever (and not just because of the pink aesthetic, though I do appreciate the use of my favorite color). When I was struggling a lot during the first few months of the COVID-19 pandemic in more ways than I could count, this song really helped me through, these lyrics in particular. It gave me hope that I’d make it to the end of my senior year celebrating, which, thankfully, I did.

“Give Yourself A Try” - The 1975

Favorite Lyric: “Won’t you give yourself a try?”

While the lyrics of this song are a bit odd, frankly pessimistic, and hard for a teenager to relate to, its catchy, more optimistic chorus served as a mantra for me throughout my last few years of high school. If I couldn’t take a chance on myself, why would anyone else want to? This song’s refrain sparked a ton of self-love in me, and I spent many nights dancing around to it in my bedroom. Also, I couldn’t leave this band off of this list - I’ve been listening to them since their self-titled LPs came out when I was 10 years old, and the album that this song is off of, “A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships”, is one of my favorite records of all time.

“Garden Song” - Phoebe Bridgers

Favorite Lyric: “I don't know how, but I'm taller / It must be something in the water / Everything's growing in our garden...She told me my resentment's getting smaller / No, I'm not afraid of hard work / I get everything I want”

Much like A Will Away, Phoebe Bridgers is an artist that I had known of and had recommended to me for years, but I only really started listening to her as a senior in high school. “Kyoto” and “Would You Rather” are probably my favorites by her, but this song, along with “It’ll All Work Out”, helped me through feeling scared for the future and wondering how I grew up so quickly.

“Growing Up” - The Maine

Favorite Lyric: “We'll never lose what we had...Growing up won't bring us down / Graduate, what's a kid to do now? / Get away, yeah / We've got so much to prove / 'Cause it's time to move on / And I start to let go...We're in this together / Yeah, we'll make it somehow / Nothing's gonna stop us now”

Finally, to close it out, one more song by one of my favorite bands ever, and one of the bands that carried me throughout my senior year, as well as all of my high school years. I had to include this one - my graduation pictures were captioned “graduate, what’s a kid to do now?” At its core, this is a song about holding on to childlike energy and teenage memories despite growing up and moving on. Every time I listen to it (which has been a lot, lately), I’m reminded that I have the best friends in the world who have given me some of the happiest years of my life, and that doesn’t have to end just because we’re getting older. “Growing up won’t bring us down.”

For more songs like this, you can follow my Spotify playlist titled “senioritis” here. 

Congratulations to everyone who is celebrating this month, whatever you might be graduating from!

[jdiep95]

Mariah Carey: Top 10 Remixes

In continuation of celebrating Mariah season, and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” finally becoming a #1 single, I am sharing with you my “Top” lists of MC songs every Monday and Tuesday up until the 25th. After talking about the Top 10 Most Iconic Mariah Carey songs, it’s time to move on to the Top 10 MC Remixes. Come back next Monday for the Top 10 Underrated MC Bops. All songs mentioned these lists can be found on streaming services (e.g. Spotify, Apple Music). That means deeper cuts, but fan favourites, like the “Someday (New 7” Straight)” remix, the “Never Too Far/Hero” medley, and “H.A.T.E.U.” remix ft. OJ da Juiceman, which aren’t available, aren’t included; the aforementioned remixes are, however, available on YouTube, and they definitely deserve a listen.

You’ve listened to remixes where they’ve brought in a guest rapper, something that Mariah popularized in 1995 as you’ll see below. You’ve also listened to remixes where they’ve brought in a featured singer, something that Mariah had also done in 2000, when she re-released the “Against All Odds (Take A Look at Me Now)” single with Westlife. But you’ve never heard a remix until you’ve heard a MC remix. Somehow we’ve gotten the perception that Mariah is lazy because she doesn’t perform the choreo or doesn’t sing the song — point them in this direction. Up until the 2010s, Mariah insisted doing remixes her way. She’s not just pulling in DJs, or rappers, or featured singers to do all the heavy lifting in remixes, Mariah incorporates new elements, sometimes practically changing up the genre of the song. And she re-records, sometimes new vocals, sometimes the entire track.

Is the list TL;DR? No worries. I compiled each list into a respective playlist, starting from No. 10 and ending at No. 1, so you get to listen to the Top 10 MC Remixes while on the go.

https://open.spotify.com/user/jdiep95/playlist/6UfiZPeq4yA1fq4i87CUwq?si=iHpF9-BAThW8m26GKSKyiA

10. A No No ft. Shawni

Year: 2019

“A No No” is an underrated bop off of Mariah’s most recent studio album, Caution. Caution, like many of Mariah’s comeback, is a testament that she’s still got it; however, unlike the couple of albums before it, Mariah ditches most of the post-production, and delivers one of her strongest albums. “A No No” uses a sped-up sample of Lil’ Kim’s "Crush on You”, with the original mix using excerpts of Biggie’s rap. The remix featuring Shawni drops Biggie’s rap. This isn’t the first time Mariah opted for a female rapper for the remix: In 1999 for the “Heartbreaker” remix, MC dropped Jay-Z for Da Brat and Missy Elliot. “A No No” is a feminist song about cutting off liars and cheaters, and enjoying the single life; Shawni’s contributions add to the latter, admitting: “To all my exes need to tell you that I’m sorry/That I didn’t leave you sooner/I settle for less, and that is exactly what I been getting.” This remix isn’t perfect — the melody and the structure remains the same, and Mariah only records a couple of additional inflections. The best part about this remix, that’s absent from the original mix, is the addition of a series of ascending melismatic whistles near the end. You can’t help but feel like something’s missing from the original mix, and MC lets you know it in the remix.

9. Fantasy (Bad Boy Fantasy Remix) ft. O.D.B., Sean “Puffy” Combs

Year: 1995

Why the “Bad Boy Fantasy Remix” is so iconic was already discussed in the Top 10 Most Iconic list: It introduced the featured rapper formula to pop music, and paved the road for its successors like Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” or Rihanna’s “Umbrella”, both of which features Jay-Z. The remix features rapper O.D.B., who, by the time the remix was released, had started a solo career separate from the Wu-Tang Clan. The release of the "Fantasy" remix is entrenched in racial politics. Columbia Records and Sony Music feared the inclusion of O.D.B. would jeopardize the squeaky clean, family-friendly, racially-ambiguous image they had built for Mariah. In the remix, a lot of the pop production is stripped away, leaving the bass beat as the foundation of the song; Mariah sings on top of this. "Fantasy" sampled “Genius of Love” by the Tom Tom Club, and in the remix, the sample is echoed in the bass beat. The bridge of the original mix, which also samples “Genius of Love”, became the remix’s chorus. The structure changed, and “Fantasy” itself became slinkier, less saccharine. The producer, Sean Combs, better known as P. Diddy, recalled working with O.D.B. all through the night to record the rap; O.D.B recorded sentences at a time, whenever the inspiration hit, or whenever he was awake. Regardless, Mariah’s insistence to collaborate with O.D.B, and to release the remix was an industry-changing move.

8. Honey (So So Def Remix) ft. Da Brat, Jermaine Dupri

Year: 1997

The “Fantasy” remix, despite it being iconic and timeless, was mostly work in post, especially trying to piece together O.D.B.’s individual recordings to form an actual rap. The So So Def remix of “Honey” was a completely different affair with the song reworked and re-recorded. The bass line of the original mix of “Honey” samples “The Body Rock” by the Treacherous Three, while the tinkling piano line uses a sample of “Hey DJ” by the World’s Famous Supreme Team. The So So Def Remix foregoes “The Body Rock” sample, and also samples a different excerpt from “Hey DJ”. The accompaniment itself sounds like a midi file off of a video game, but it’s actually the hook from the Jackson’s 5 “It’s Great to Be Here”, Mariah’s first time sampling a another pop song. This “Honey” remix is a novelty. As a critic, you would expect another dance remix or something that really leans into the hip-hop, and instead you receive a feat that reduces the original dance track to 8-bit music with MC’s vocals as the main attraction.

7. My All (Classic Club Remix)

Year: 1998

Have you seen Dreamgirls? In the stage performance, Effie sings “One Night Only” and it shifts immediately into the disco version sung by Deena. I imagine the remix of “My All” draws inspiration from that, especially when they chorus starts chanting, “Just one more night.” In the Classic Club Remix, MC sings on top of a dance beat but it’s a slow burn before it becomes that full on club anthem. The remix isn’t completely re-recorded; it’s her original recording that’s fixed on top of the dance track produced by David Morales, but it’s the last five minutes that she adds on new elements, and finishes out with new vocals, a solo for the latin guitars, and a chorus. Sam Smith might be able to sing any dance song as a ballad, but Mariah is the master of rewriting any torch song into an upbeat track. Try not dancing when Mariah starts going off with the “Feel your body”’s.

6. Through the Rain ft. Kelly Price, Joe

Year: 2002

“Through the Rain” is Mariah’s first comeback single. It hails from Charmbracelet, Mariah’s comeback album after the entire Glitter fiasco. It’s Mariah’s first leading single that failed to crack the Top 5, even “Loverboy” off of Glitter peaked at #2. The inspirational track, which encourages the audience that they will “Make it through the rain”, stalled at #81. The original mix is a slow R&B ballad, one that even I rarely listen to since I almost always opt for the live version she performed at MTV Presents. The remix is more upbeat as a result of changes lyrically and melodically, and by infusing gospel elements, there’s more of a sense of hope than in the original mix. “Through the Rain” didn’t chart well, so why does this remix rank so high among the other remixes? A decade and a half before Kanye decided to bring everyone to church, Mariah brought her listeners to church instead of the club with this remix. For a remix, the sound was new and gutsy, especially for a song that didn’t fair too well, granted she did also release a dance remix. With the remix, MC proved that a song didn’t have to be wildly popular for her to breath new life into it.

5. Unforgettable (Acoustic) ft. Mariah Carey, Swae Lee

Year: 2017

You might be quick to catch that "Unforgettable” is actually a French Montana song, but you might be less familiar with this Mariah Carey remix. The inclusion of MC on this track, and the decision to replace the track with a guitar makes it sound more like a R&B-inspired country song with a rap section than it does dancehall; nonetheless, the remix is incredibly cross-genre. Chances are French Montana didn’t re-record his lines, which is standard, but then some very stylistic choices were made that makes the remix sound like a Mariah duet rather than a MC-guest appearance. These decisions, however, may not exactly be MC-mandated, so let’s talk about two things that were within her control: (1) MC sings throughout the entire track. She doesn’t appear for just one verse then disappears; she injects herself throughout the song by harmonizing with French Montana. (2) MC brings her whistle notes. MC fans stan Mariah’s whistle notes for one very good reason: Mariah uses them with much musicality. It’s less of a garnish where MC goes, “Hey, look, I did that!” because we know she can do those whistle notes. In the “Unforgettable” remix, MC uses her whistles as a base, a broth if you may; in this way, her high notes are instrumental, and she strings them together in a series of legato to create the backing track for which French and her sings on. Mariah’s contribution to this song really makes it ever more unforgettable.

4. We Belong Together ft. Jadakiss, Styles P

Year: 2005

Kelefa Sanneh, a former music music critic for The New York Times, called the “We Belong Together” remix “springier”; I had to quote him because there’s no better way of putting it. The original mix is tear-jerking, but the remix has a bounce to it that captures the hip-hop vibe that MC was looking for. The remix gets pretty close to demonstrating what a perfect balance looks like, and inevitably Mariah sometimes misses the mark — remixes sometimes reduce Mariah to the featured artist, despite it being a Mariah song. She sings along while Jadakiss and Styles P trade lines, emphasizing certain phrases. The remix continues to sample Bobby Womack’s “If You Think You’re Lonely Now”, and uses a longer lyric sample from “Two Occasions” by The Deele. On this list, we’ve seen MC skillfully use instrumental samples, but she is masterful in picking lyrical samples as well. The “Two Occasions" sample, “I only think of you on two occasions/That’s day and night”, contributes to the message of yearning in “We Belong Together”, making it fit perfectly with the mood and the scheme of the song. MC finishes the remix in a way only she could, by showcasing a series of vocal acrobats for the last minute-and-a-half of the song.

3. Always Be My Baby (Mr. Dupri Mix) ft. Da Brat, Xscape

Year: 1996

I know diehard fans prefer Mariah’s Butterfly era, where you had songs like “Honey” and “My All”, but my favourite would still have to be the Daydream era, when MC decided to gift the world with “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby”. The Daydream era featured prime Mariah vocals, amazing album cuts, and two of Mariah’s coolest remixes to date. Both the “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby” remixes are timeless; the former is so stripped down, but it is the latter that we really need to talk about. It’s timeless in such a sophisticated way that’s so rarely seen in pop music. Don’t agree? But Mariah seems to agree. In the Caution World Tour, Mariah’s most recent tour, she performed this remix instead, when “Always Be My Baby” had almost always been performed unaltered in the original mix. The foundation of the Mr. Dupri Mix samples “Tell Me If You Still Care” by the SOS Band, a slow jam itself which gives the remix its sleek, quiet storm sound that was so popular in the 1980s. MC is an understated music genius: She takes a page from TLC, who had just released their critically-acclaimed hip-hop album CrazySexyCool the year before, by recruiting a female rapper, Da Brat for the remix; this marks the first time MC collaborated with a female rapper. And the rap practically merges with the track; it’s neither out of place nor distracting as Mariah riffs while Da Brat raps. She also melds two supposedly conflicting genres, since younger Black audiences had shifted their attention from quiet storm to hip hop since the beginning of the ‘90s. Whereas the “Fantasy” remix had almost no re-recorded vocals, the “Always Be My Baby” remix received an almost complete makeover, save the melody. Mariah really thins out her voice for the remix and introduces her airy whisper, something she’ll really master in her subsequent albums, which gives a new feeling to the happy-go-lucky vibe on the original mix. The remix is more mature, reflecting Mariah’s real-life desire to bridge pop, R&B and hip-hop.

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You (So So Def Remix)

Year: 2000

As we’ve seen in the Top 10 Most Iconic list, Mariah has released several versions of “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. Certainly, the original mix reigns supreme, but the So So Def Remix comes awfully close, and I will argue that none of MC’s other versions or any other cover of this song, ballad, acoustic or otherwise, comes close to this remix. You might have heard the disconnected intro and skipped the rest of the song, which meant you missed Mariah and producer Jermaine Dupri reworking the song in ways no one else can. The So So Def Remix is an extremely smooth R&B and hip-hop remix, and although this is nothing out of the ordinary for MC, it’s such a smart remix because it’s a Christmas song for anyone who’s tired of listening to Christmas songs; essentially it’s an escape from the original mix. This remix has as much spring as the “We Belong Together” remix, but this bounce is a result of sampling “Planet Rock” by Afrika Bambaataa & the Soulsonic Force. The whistle notes that are seen in the main melody of later versions derives from this remix, and arguably, the whistle notes in the remix’s successors are nowhere as melismatic. You can’t beat a Mariah original, but you also can’t beat a Mariah remix.

1. Anytime You Need A Friend (C&C Club Version)

Year: 1994

“Anytime You Need A Friend” is a deeper cut itself off of Mariah's best selling album Music Box. It’s Mariah’s first US single not to enter the Top 10, peaking at #12. It’s equal parts a love song and a song of encouragement, especially the remix. The original mix of “Anytime You Need A Friend” is a slow ballad, at least “My All” had something sexy about it, so you wouldn’t except Mariah, and producers David Cole and Robert Clivillés to be able to work it into a dance track so well. But without a doubt, it is definitively Mariah’s best remix. The 10 minute song is essentially an abridged version of Mariah’s résumé; you get a glimpse at everything from Mariah’s vocal talents to her songwriting abilities to her musicality. “Anytime You Need A Friend” is a torch song that’s been repackaged with a pounding dance beat. Even if it's from 1994, there’s a certain timelessness to it. Another great thing about most of MC’s remixes is that it doesn’t cut the song short; in the C&C Club Version, the entire song is there. Mariah reworks the part of the original melody, but it’s the last six minutes of the remix, when Mariah goes off, where you can really observe how well she knows music. Can you write this down on sheet music? Or was it improv? To me, the last six minutes was literally a playground for MC to do her thing, whatever she wants. There’s no guest singer or featured rapper, just Mariah. But then this allows her to do something she’s almost never done before or since. At the eight minute mark, the remix enters a jazz breakdown, and Mariah scats, dipping into her lows, belting, and hitting those whistle notes. Simply, this remix is remarkable and breathtaking.

Timelessness is the key word here with MC’s remixes. You may think that the incorporation of samples would date these remixes significantly, but personally it does it complete opposite. Mariah’s remixes transcends eras because of the use of samples. Not only are her remixes cross-genre, they’re also cross-generational. Mariah doesn’t just push out remixes and waits to capitalize on them. If you’re looking for a place to find Mariah’s artistry, look no further than her remixes. She adds new elements and new life to the songs, rewrites them, reworks them, re-records them. Who’s done this recently? In the last twenty years, which artist has consistently given their remixes this kind of treatment?

[readablenoise]

Anti-Viral: How to Support Your Local Artists During the Plague of ‘20

While the world gets ready to practice social distancing, now more than ever is the time to support sonic intimacy

Florida- The highways are quieter.

Groceries stores are emptying and there is a silent, piano wire discord at the mere sound of someone sneezing. Walking though vacant parking lots, and all the while a dark wind blows.

These past few weeks have seemingly felt like the interior of a post-rock song, with hills and valleys of gorgeous peaks and then near ocean floor lows. As the world spins amidst the chaos, there’s still beauty to be found.

In Italy, a makeshift choir from outstretched balconies sings songs from all genres, taking place of the closed concert halls. Artists are hosting live streams and intimate performances, and doing their best to keep calm in the storm.

In all times of tribulation; war, inequality, and the fear of what tomorrow may bring, great art has been made. And with Covid-19 forcing local businesses to close, so too have venues. And in these times where the music business and it’s creators has heavily relied on 90% of funds for their art, they are hurting more than ever to make that art.

Today, March 20th, Bandcamp has waived all revenue fees so 100% of the profits are directed to the artists who need them most. And so today, we want to send you our own version of a cure. Whether you choose to support them today, tomorrow or the next, we feel these acts deserve a spot on your COVID playlist, as they are some of the best semblances of calm in this whirlwind storm...

Tape Studies- “Demo Sessions”

Link to purchase: https://tapestudies.bandcamp.com/releases

With the news of their debut album, “Kept Underneath” announced for release on May 8th, there’s no better time than now to get your schooling on the incredible Orlando post-rock trio. Their first release, “Demo Sessions” is an earnest example, and the smallest, most enticing of peeks, into what the act has to offer. With a live sound that rivals Mount Kilimanjaro, and the passion to keep those peaks, they are truly a sound that is to be respected and watched,

Song Recommendation: “Hearts Are Low”

In Motion- “Liedentity”

Link to Purchase: https://inmotionfl.bandcamp.com/album/liedentity

One of the most highly underrated acts in Southern Florida, In Motion have not only rekindled a genre, but brought back an identity to it. In this case, angst filled and beautifully brutal sounds that rate anywhere from mosh prompting, to the frenetic dancing that comes with a tsunami of colored stage lights. The Hobe Sound trio are masters in the art of executing a perfect build-up, and one listen to the album, which is still a solid pick for one of the best of 2019, will have you feel this on the first try.

Song Recommendation: “Mood Indigo”

Ghostflower- “Groceries”

Link to Purchase: https://ghostflower.bandcamp.com/

This is a track we recommend downloading. Then doing it again for your friend. And again for your family member. And then three more times, just for yourself. The Miami sound have slowly, beautifully and deservedly rised from the ranks with their own uniquely scintillating brand of hypnotic. Combining post-punk, electronic and a fierce live delivery from frontwoman Leaf Boehm  that rivals the famed UK act, Savages, they are the perfect narration to all of your nights and more,,,

Las Nubes / Palomino Blonde- “Split EP”

Link to Purchase: https://lasnubes.bandcamp.com/album/split-ep

Great collaborations are rare nowadays. While unique mixes still arise, it is rare t to encounter a mesh of two equally potent forces, combining their respective galaxies to form a whole new world. “Split” is a perfect example of this. Taking Las Nubes perfected indie-esque Sonic Youth spirit, and Palomino Blonde’s riproaring rock fuel, it is the perfect album to zone out and enjoy the night to,,,

Song Recommendation: “Seventh Heaven”

Jaialai- “When I'm On The Run”

Link to Purchase- https://jaialaiofficial.bandcamp.com/

The Miami act is the crown jewel of well done psych-rock. Painted tye-dye chemical against a celluloid projection, they can rock you into a perfect sway of their crescendos, or have you enter a twilight realm of chaotic guitars and still a perfect projection of power. They are the ocean made real and it’s here, we feel you’ll get lost in their waves.

Song Recommendation: “When I’m On The Run”

The Spoondogs- S/T

Link to Purchase: https://spoondogs.bandcamp.com/

Picture if the 1970′s renaissance era of post-punk made sweet, sweet love to The Rolling Stones and just a pinch of The White Stripes.

Good mix, right? This is The Spoondogs, and we are proud to introduce you to them. Embodying all those classic photographs of punk and rock icons, and turning them into sound, the Orlando based act are a true wonder to behold, and to lose yourself in the sound to.

Song Recommendation: “I Won’t”

Makoto- “Lavender Forest”

Link to purchase: https://makoto.bandcamp.com/

An exercise in fast fingers, a draw to the end and a good kind of kinetic energy, the Southern Florida act is a truly an exciting whirlwind to listen to. A bit of jazz, a good dose of math rock and all the while, just enough fun to keep you smiling the whole way through.

Song Recommendation: “Just Keep Making Noise”

Kalistik- “Translucinator”

Winter Haven’s best musical treasure, the band’s debut is one of the strongest we’ve ever heard from any international sound; it is unafraid to be itself, and that is one of it’s greatest strengths. Using a wall of sound that might intimate others, Kalistik are unafraid to climb it’s heights with psych/prog rock, metal and just a pinch of Deftones in it’s wake…

Song Recommendation: “Ginger Cunt”

Death of a Deity- “Death Dealer”

Link to Purchase: https://deathofadeity.bandcamp.com/music

While metal is a genre we are still new to, and with Florida being an epicenter for the genre itself, this West Palm Beach stand out amongst the rest. Not just due to their ambition, and well crafted compositions consisting of standout guitar riffs and heartbeat poundin’ drums, but the love they have for the genre and it’s community. It’s evident in their tracks, with something new to discover on every listen and we give it our stamp of approval for bedroom mosh worthy and car headbanging.

Song Recommendation: “Societal Woes”

Glass Body- “Apathy”

Link to Purchase: https://glassbody.bandcamp.com/

The Miami trio ranks high on our list of albums to purchase, as they are not only one of the singularly best acts we have ever heard, but harbor a den of humble creativity that so naturally exudes from their pores. With a punk ferocity that has been missing from the genre itself, it is a necessary electricfying energy that will hit you right upon the moment you hit play

Song Recommendation: “Candida Cleanse”

Donzii- “Gladugly”

Link to purchase: https://donzii.bandcamp.com/

Fresh on the heels of opening for Manchester legends and music heroes, New Order, during their historic first ever US residency, they earned the slot due to the unique, glittering and powerful statement upon every note. From frontwoman Jenna Balfe’s sincerely dazzling arthouse style performance alongside a Poly Styrene inspired style, to the Siouxsie and the Banshees meets the Miami act’s perfect blend of unique, they are a band to behold and support.

Song Recommendation: “Sand”

Now go forth, support your local artists and take care of each other out there….

-Jenelle DeGuzman