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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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i dont usually post random snippets like this but everyone PLS listen to chii she is adorable 🥺🐟
#my video lol#openutau#choubi chii#gekiyaku#kazehiki#cause they're here too. IG. 🙄#i might delete this later idk. i do this a lot with my sillies i just listen to them sing random files i have saved lol 😭#and yes this is the same ust i used for genbu's conchita cover lmao. funny joke about goldfish being opportunistic feeders idk#i had downloaded chii months earlier but only just properly installed her recently lmao. AND UEEE FISH GIRL 🥺🐟#i literally never see anyone talk abt her and like fair sure cause kuzutokaze's other utaus are more famous and she only came out in 2020#i might be biased bc i love aquatic creature theme but SHES CUTEE cmon pls i wish more people noticed her...#i do wanna do stuff w/ her at some point but problem is i have no ideas lmao :') i need to keep testing#also this is what some stuff sounds like with absolutely 0 mixing or proper rendering stuff (in this case the shitty default resampler LOL)#not good tbh. but good enough to give me serotonin when i am depresseddd. sing for me little goobers#the default resampler doesnt do her complete justice im sure and one day maybe ill do smthn better w/ her (to the best of my ability)
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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Me when I think my dad is cool and admirable
#the previous earl lost the game lol#like i think if ciel's dad came back from the dead instead of ciel prime that ciel would have the same im the earl reaction#i don't have a reading of this narrative at all that he's trying to be his dad or wants sebastian to be his dad bc number one i think...#...vincent only looks like sebastian bc that's yana's art style and number two it also gets on my nerves the really fandom-y brain to...#...assign found family into actual nuclear family roles. when ciel's whole house now is made up of relationships that are really only...#...defined by how much they all love each other. it's the opposite of what his life was like before where he was stuck in like. an older...#...brother does this and marries this and the watchdog does this and rich people are expected to be like this and a family is a nuclear...#...kind of family unit and that's honestly what caused madam red and ciel and ciel prime a lot of their problems pre fire#now instead the people in ciel's house care about their roles as maid and gardener and chef etc only insofar as playing that role is a...#...way to have freedom for them and it's a way to do things for ciel only bc they love him. not that vincent and rachel completely sucked...#...and didn't love their kids but it was the opposite of ciel's situation now and uh i don't think he wants it back or to recreate it#i think he sees his parents and the midfords as sheep just like of the rest of the rich people he complains about#it's a category 10 albert moriarty situation#he was raised in it so he understands just how destructive these expectations are madam red had the exact problems with the expectation...#...she should get married and have kids when i don't think she particularly wanted that to the point she had to convince herself she did...#...even though it felt unnatural to her and i think that's why she was so attached to the idea of vincent but anyway comphet madam red...#...different post i have already made somewhere probably#it's the same deal for ciel i think he thinks the way the rich people govern their lives is stupid and sebastian has both spoiled him and...#...made him feel like he's above all that and honestly that mindset genuinely informs a lot of this arc and the sheep motif#kuroshitsuji#my kuro posts#ciel
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Because I've seen a few Mind's weapon headcanons, I'll throw my own headcanon hat into the ring.
Mind doesn't have a weapon. He's the weakest of the three and has no physical defense. Instead, he uses his words as weapons, trying to manipulate anyone aggressive towards him into backing down. He destroys people with his epic Facts and Logic.
Unfortunately, those manipulation tactics just make Heart angrier most of the time. This is what lead to the Ruler Of Everything incident.
After reconciling with Heart, Mind tries to deescalate fights into simple discussions.
Headcanon #154
#chonny jash#submission#cj mind#you explain it so well#i have nothin much to add as that's p much how i see it lol#bro will talk shit until he gets hit#and even then he don't shut his mouth#id say like storm & a spring/TME to Light/We're Gonna Win are good transitions between how he goes from arguments to discussions#going from what he thinks the problems are & what problems he had and using it to insult or blame Heart#to talking about it & why its a problem. but just from a viewpoint and not a biased perspective ig?#idk I feel like im in the cjfs discussion channel now lol#im ranting now but i do love the idea that he doesn't have an actual weapon#although i don't have main ideas or headcanons with stuff like this. i just enjoy most interpretations#i do prefer this one. cos i think its fun :}#i still like the idea of him having a weapon tho of course#like the clock hand daggers#tho there was one idea [while it mainly being a joke] i loved. that he just has a fuckin chainsaw#i love that#anyways rant over. moss out :}
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A.J Pollard’s biography on Edward IV was so cringe lol (generic; minor but frustrating inaccuracies; intensely judgmental at times and oddly dismissive at others while never considering the broader context; entirely diminished and trivialized Elizabeth Woodville as both queen and wife of his main subject in the name of "defending" her; created a false dichotomy between Edward and Henry VII’s styles of ruling and lauded the latter at the former’s expense even though Henry literally followed Edward’s example for the very things Pollard was criticizing Edward for; had a downright nonsensical and thoroughly misleading conclusion about Edward’s legacy & Richard’s usurpation that was based entirely on hindsight, Pollard's own assumptions, and the complete downplaying Richard’s agency and actions to emphasize what Pollard wrongly and misleadingly claimed were Edward's so-called 'failings', etc, etc)
I wanted to buy his book on Henry V but after reading this shitshow and the synopsis of that book, im guessing it's going to be 10x worse, so...no thanks
#history media#this was written months ago im posting it to get it out of my drafts#it wasn't necessarily BAD. it was generic and readable. but it was very disappointing and misleading and its conclusion was just nonsense#listen I have no patience for the dumbfuck idea that edward somehow had the ultimate responsibility for his own son's deposition because#of his 'policies' during his reign. like I said it's based fully on hindsight and entirely devoid of actual context. it's bafflingly stupid#literally everyone expected Edward V to succeed his father and 'both hoped for and expected' (Croyland's own words) a successful reign#Edward V's deposition was richard and solely Richard's fault lol this should not be difficult to understand#the reason Richard's usurpation was possible in the first place was bcause everyone expected E5 to succeed and didn't expect Richard#do to what he did. nothing would have happened without his initiative and decisions. it had nothing to do with Edward's 'policies'#Edward's policies were fine. henry vii - who pollard vaunts to no end - literally *followed* them#and claiming that he failed to unite England under the Yorkist dynasty is just plain stupid#buddy if he truly failed at that then neither Richard III nor Henry VII would have thrones lol. both emphasized continuity with#him when aiming for the throne. like the whole point of 1483-85 was that it was a conflict WITHIN the 'Yorkist' dynasty#it was not an external threat against it.#'his legacy failed' his legacy didn't fail his brother destroyed it (while also presenting himself as his heir because logic what's logic?)#henry's victory was very much the triumph of his legacy (a claimant chosen by his supporters as the husband of his daughter)#like this is really not my interpretation it is literally what happened#i'm not trying to glorify e4 but his son did inherit the throne in a more advantageous circumstances than any other minor king of england#and frankly than most other adult kings. dumping blame on Edward's literal corpse rather than acknowledge Richard's agency is so tasteless#the problem isn't that edward made a mistake in trusting his brother. many other kings including Henry V also trusted theirs.#the problem is that his brother was willing to break that trust in a way that was unprecedented and broke all political norms of that age#ie: Richard's usurpation occurred because of Richard who re-ignited conflict to make himself king. please drill this into your head#also btw this illogical 'interpretation' is based entirely on Charles Ross' hatred and derision towards Elizabeth Woodville and her family#if you agree with this inteterpretation you agree with his vilification of them 🤷🏻♀️#anyway if you want a better interpretation that's actually analytical and looks a relevant rather than a flawed retrospective perspective#i would recommend rosemary horrox's 'richard iii: a study of service' and david horspool's 'richard iii: a ruler and his reputation'#anyway one last time: STOP downplaying Richard's agency and actions. historians who do this are stupid and embarrassing. bye.#(i should really post horspool's glorious takedown of ross and Pollard huh? it was very entertaining to read)
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the first chapter of lover boy is really intense on an emotional level because So Many Things happen in quick succession it's like beau barely gets a chance to breathe and process it. meanwhile RR opening chapter is just felix and dorothy arguing in a laundromat.
#i used to have a problem with the lover boy first chapter bc i was like#i know what needs to happen thematically and i know the main plot beat that needs to happen to push it forward#but i didnt have any actual like. action to move to story to that place#in a way that had a causal chain#and now im like um!!!! is too much happening#anyway my other writing problem i realised via this chapter is i worry sooo much about the idea of coincidences#like the idea of just 'letting' something happen...in lb mainly two characters being in the same place at the same time#im like there has to be an intricate explanation for all of this which like yeah thats good to think about#but i also think coincidences are an important part of plot bc first of all coincidences happen#but its also not just the coincidence its the decisions the character s made that got them to that time and place#why they made those decisions and what they do afterwards etc....#anyway! i dont know where i was going with that#RR chapter one.....ngl....its SOOO bad lol#like structurally. the prose is fine#but its been 3 years and 5 different opening scenes for that novel and NONE of them hit#but that's a problem for future me#the thing is most of my ideas now come with an opening but RR never came with an opening just the concept#because the rest of the novel slayyyyys#actually i think out of all 3 my favourite atm is the third book LOL#update literally 10 minutes after writing these tags i have an idea for a new RR opening team that i want to sink my teeth into#6th time's a charm!
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sugar water by flower face
#yellowjackets#jackieshauna#this is the 4th installment of 'making edits to every song from the album 'shark in your water' to jackieshauna'#guys weve come so far im so proud#only like. Idk 6 more songs to go? not sure but I WILL do it.#anyways so I dont fully like this one. like I think it's good its an alright edit#but doesnt live up to my standards. but Idk what i couldve done to make it better just yet soo#mostly i dont like the ending (the song is like 3mins with an amazing solo but I didnt have any ideas for that)#but I am very proud of the like fast parts#notably 'he likes to keep me half way out' and 'he's got a sharp twist no he's wicked in the heart etc'#REALLY proud of yk girls like me weve got a slow pulse. TRUTH#lol I always use that for anything that has to do with sleeping/cold ive come to realize#just like the bridge is synonym for dreaming Idk why#mine art tag#omg also love the float up to the sky part#the beginning not though which sucks bc the beginning is definitionally (?) the first thing ppl see.#BEAR WITH ME IT GETS GOOD#anyways this was the firdt song in which i had like any problems with the lyrics. curious#still loved making it#i have SO many ideas but I cant rlly make two edits at the same time like I hab to finish one and then I can start the other ones#soo youre gonna get them but probably after the shark in you water thing is donee#stay tuned gamers#mitos incredible life#jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water
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not to be ungrateful but i don't get paid enough at my job lol
#the problem with jobs that people do bc they love the work is that it doesn't pay well and you will be overworked to death#genuinely couldn't quit bc i love the kids too much already but 15 an hour is....not ideal tbh....#how am i supposed to make future plans in these conditions#i cant ask for a raise ive only worked here 3 months but ugh#the only reason i got hired is i finally broke my rule abt the minimum hourly rate i was willing to accept#i applied to the two 14-16 an hour jobs and used the one i already accepted to get this one to gove me 15 instead of 14#but that's still not a lot tbh#need to buy an oven since we havent had a working one since january#and i keep gping ok next time i get paid i will buy an oven#and it hasnt happened yet#and i need.....17k to invest in starting my own business and i will not see a return on that for a very long time 😭#and i have no idea where that money will be coming from lol#fortunately its not that time sensitive except it kind of needs to happen in the next year or two probably but idk#if i dont do what i need to do idk what will happen but i think the issue will become more expensive but also maybe less expensive#but also uglier and make my neighbors mad#but i have no choice but to wait bc i have no money for that lol#anyway#17k is my immediate expense but i also need to come up with the money to eventually buy my parents house somehow#and i dont even make enough to pay the mortgage 😭#fortunately i dont need to do that for a long time but...eventually#anywayssss#how am i supposed to live laugh love in these conditions#i do love working with kids but jts hard work and all my coworkers are petty and hate eachother so its a lot#and i dont make enough money to live fr#im so lucky i live w my parents bc nobody at my job makes enough to live on their own lol#also the sheep that are supposed to be clearing brush got sick and went back to their farm and they're not coming back this year at all#so we need to brush hog it#or contract another farm#im not sure if its even safe w their poop all over the place snd im not getting any communication from the farmers#but it lowkey might be better to get our own sheep but thats so much work i dont want to think abt doing livestock
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I'm glad the "Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize" meme is getting critiqued in its usage because... While the sentiment itself is absolutely true... I feel like sometimes, perhaps, it's not a work of fiction's fault that you're personally bad at picking up on satire
#im thinking about how i saw a person say futurama is bad because bad things still exist in the future#and its like. thats the point though?#the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes#that they would come to etc etc#do i think it was all well handled? probably not. it had a 14 year run im sure it fumbled lots of stuff and has shit that doesnt hold up#but i feel like dismissing it entirely based on just-#''but bad stuff happens. and i want the future to be better so this bums me out'' is just dumb LOL like thats literally the point#theyre taking the problems of today and making them into crazy hyperbolic extremes to mock them THATS WHAT SATIRE IS#there is a clarity of purpose youre just bad at picking up on it. NIXON WAS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT IN THAT SHOW FOR CHRIST SAKE#WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK ''AMERICA'S FAVORITE SUICIDE BOOTH SINCE ****2008****'' COULD MEAN?#idk. this site is bad media literacy r us why take it seriously. but i am. bc its frustrating#bc that quote on its own is sooooo good at explaining why some ''satire'' is bad and doesnt work#but ppl who dont know how to engage w media beyond a surface level have taken it and turned it into like#''this is bad bc i didnt get it'' ok. sounds like a you problem.#but posting this is scary bc im afraid itll be used for the other extreme .-.
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ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
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my work computer is extra stressing me out. i turned it on to make sure it was going to function for tomorrow morning and all it did was sing to me the song of it's dying breaths for 10 minutes before it finally shut the fuck up and then just started working normally.
if they don't ship me out a new laptop like tomorrow morning literally and overnight that bitch to me, i'm going to be out of work soon because this laptop is LIMPING right now.
#personal post#personal#i mean it wont be my fault i did my job of contacting IT when a problem arose but damn#they are not going to want me out for a few days if they can help it#we just took on a new client LOL and the other two people that work on my team have no idea what to do with stuff like that#i'm begging you IT#im begging you on my knees even
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Yay !! Im gonna talk about it with my friend today !! I think this is gonna help me not go completely insane !! I love love <3
#yeah i still feel super shitty#and its gotten like progressively worse too ?#i cant eat normally. i just chew ?#and im scared to go to sleep bc that means i have to lay in the silence#so i havent been sleeping well ? (at least that means no nightmares lol)#and the shivering and head jerks havent stopped either#ive been trying to pack and do all the practical stuff im supposed to#but i end up having to stop bc? idk? i either start breathing weird or zoning out#look im not an idiot. if this was an objective psych case file id have no problem coming up with a solid idea of whats wrong#unfortunately tho im a real person and i cant exactly be objective about myselt#i also cant focus for long enough to actually properly THINK about it ya know?#but honestly this is so dramatic for no reason lmao sorry for the melodrama#i just feel so awful i need to complain a little 🙏#but talking to a friend will for sure help ! 🙏💗💗💗#yay friendship !
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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he was only nineteen???? he should've been at the clubbbb
#guess what musical ive been relistening to .#but the musical is very hard to get plot beats out of cuz theres so many story gaps between the songs. hence why im here#even though this is the book's wiki page. and im pretty sure the musical and the book differ a lot. but still.#brot posts#music#back in middle school when i was in my musical phase (phantom/monte cristo/jekyll and hyde/etc)#and also just old literature in general phase (divine comedy/paradise lost/etc)#i really wanted to try to read the source material#but like. i was in 7th grade. i had no fucking idea what the hell was going on#i tried so hard to read paradise lost LMAOOOOO#like girlie pops you are 11 you havent even read shakespeare in class yet#so after i gave up on paradise lost i gave up on reading everything else as well.#although i do think i tried to do phantom at one point in middle school but also barely got through it#and then i tried it again in high school and only barely got a little furhter#though the high school time was just cuz i didnt have the patience#so yknow sitting here its very easy to say i would love to read the count of monte cristo instead of listen to the musical#but will i actually read it? probably not#god looking at the wikisoruce for it. its long as fuckkkkkkk man im not reading this LOL#ive read jekyll and hyde but thats because it was pretty short so the patience aspect wasnt a problem#so j&h is the only musical-based-on-1800s-literature that ive actually read the source material for. <3
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all of science will alter your perspective and even unsettle you but physics has a tendency to take every reasonable assumption you make and mutilate it
#☢️.txt#oh you thought you could assume electrons are a particle and light is a wave? lol.#i always think about this one paper some physicists wrote on (iirc) systems theory as applied to evolution#i do not remember if it was called systems theory actually but it was essentially 'how would evolution come out of the laws of physics'#and a lot of biologists thought this sounded 'creationist-y' when its just.... standard physics?????#physics is proven by its ability to accurately and reliably predict behaviors#it may not be an issue for *biologists* if physics cant explain evolution but its sure a problem for physicists!#but to me that really illustrates what im talking about#most physicists are completely used to the idea of a deterministic universe. and other scientists bristle when it comes up#the reason a lot of people get absorbed into insane theoretical physics with no basis is bc#if you have never interacted with modern physics irl. it all sounds equally insane.
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