#the racist coworker just completely ignored me saying it was racist and kept saying no it’s stereotyping

[romanticmoonchild]

Today a white coworker said that “all Asians and Mexicans look alike”. I pointed out saying that is racist and she said that “she’s just stereotyping. It’s like saying there’s nerds and jocks and rednecks when you’re in high school”. Then had another white coworker asked if it was really racist to say that.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ditching a long-term friend?

I (35F) had a friend (S, 33F) for years. We bonded the first night we met. We had ups an downs, and went everywhere together. I helped her kick her bf out after he tried to hit her and helped her through two miscarriages. She helped me through a family member death and a career change. We would speak almost every day, for hours.

She was always slightly more conservative than me. When 2016 rolled around, she supported Trump. I didn't like that, but it wasn't my place to bitch about it to her, it was her decision.

By 2020, she'd changed. Idk how it happened but she went from slightly conservative Christian who loved school and being a nurse and had friends who were LGBT+ (myself included), to deadnaming trans patients, refusing to do a blood draw on a patient after she said it was a prerequisite for an abortion, forcing patients to pray with her, even when they and their families spoke out against it, and bugging her coworkers to pray with her. She got fired from the hospital and was completely unable to hold down a job after that, and went through about 6 jobs that year, getting fired from them all. She got with a guy (B, 32M) and he is a... Well, he is a damn nut. Flat earther, antivaxxer, anti- Department of Education, anti-cell phone, thought bluetooth was turning kids trans, and that covid is 100% a hoax. Absolutely bonkers. But she was smitten, so I supported her, barely.

It's important to note that I backed away from her a bit after she was fired from the hospital. We were only speaking once every few weeks at that point.

Shortly after she got with B, my nephew was born. My nephew is half Mexican, half white. She called him "cute for a half n*g" because she thought my SIL is black. This blew me away because she's half Mexican. I told her off and distanced myself even further.

In 2021, she was a huge supporter of Jan 6th. She LAUGHED when that one cop killed himself. I stopped talking to her completely after that. Deleted her contact info and forgot she existed for almost 2 years.

Cut to October of this year, and she calls me. I didn't recognize her #. She and B are getting married! And she wants me to be a bridesmaid!!! Yayy! (sarcasm). She told me a long-winded variation of "I know we haven't talked for a bit but I promise I'm not as bonkers as I was, I think I let Facebook suck me in, and I'm sorry."

So, I let her back in. Not emotionally, mind you. She's not the woman I once knew anymore. I don't tell her where our house is (my partner and I moved while S and I weren't speaking), and I didn't tell her what car I drove. I didn't tell her anything about our lives, and kept the conversation solely on her, to try and read her out a bit.

Sure enough, two conversations in she starts ranting about how black people are black because they received the mark of Cain (it's a Christian thing? I guess? Idk I'm not religious) and thus should be avoided because they are inherently "up to no good," and that systemic racism doesn't exist because the US has had a black president.

I roll my eyes, hang up the phone, block her number, and end it, permanently, right there. I received a few odd texts from a number I didn't recognize, probably B's phone, so I just blocked that number and deleted them without reading most of them.

Cue our mutual friends. 🙄

She misses you! People can have differing opinions and still be friends! Why are you being so closed minded? She told us you yelled at her! 😭😭😭

Lol. I didn't say a word, but whatever.

I'd rather adjust my life to her absence than adjust my morality to her ignorance.

My partner is on my side, they saw her change, too. But our mutual friends are still upset. I shared some the racist and sexist text convos between me and S, and it's like they hadn't even considered my side of the situation. One is on my side now, the other two are still questioning how I can throw away a 6 year friendship over "differing politics."

So, Tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[bliphany]

a lot of people - hong kong citizens included - have been using this chance to be racist to Chinese people, though.. i really think it needs to be stressed that the Chinese government and the Chinese citizens are two different things.

You’re right, anon. The Chinese government and Chinese people are two different things. To intentionally mix them up is like to blame, for example, Americans for what their government did wrongly in the Middle East. And there are actually, and sadly, higher risks for Chinese people to hold their government accountable than that for American people. To use this chance to assault Chinese people as a group just to express one’s hatred towards them is racism. Or at least to me, is choosing to aim at the weaker rather than the responsible, which is the Chinese government/CCP. If one feels relatively safer to just attack a random Chinese person, or the concept of Chinese people as a whole, than to criticize the Chinese government, then they are doing it wrong, I’m afraid.

Also, thank you for this message, so I can share at least two examples that some Chinese people tried to show their support.

There was a Chinese lawyer who wanted to know what was really happening in Hong Kong rather than just absorbing what the Chinese media said in the mainland, so he went to Hong Kong himself. He felt that the situation was rather a crisis in the field of law, and he had to understand it as a lawyer. He even made some videos about the protest. But his boss, coworkers, friends and families kept messaging him, asking him to go back to mainland. His boss said to him, that if he didn’t lay low and go back to mainland immediately, they couldn’t find a way to keep him safe. The last video the lawyer made was in the airport. You could see from the terms he used in it that he actually learned a lot about the situation because of his visit. At the end of it, he showed his lawyer card to the audience, saying sadly that it might be the last time he held it. The authority would likely take it from him after he went back. (And that was probably the least worse thing that could happen to him.) But he didn’t regret visiting Hong Kong. After he went back, we haven’t heard a thing about him.

When the CUHK siege happened, the fact that the police dared to charge into universities shocked many, including Chinese uni students. There were many Chinese students showing support by photographing their student cards with names left out and a paper on which they wrote supporting words avoiding handedness. They uploaded those photos anonymously to social media. We all know why they chose to do that in that certain way. Right? And after that, some other Chinese people collected those “evidence” to the authority for they felt those people committed treason.

What I want to say is, not every Chinese person is the same with the next one. And certainly we cannot equal Chinese people as a group to the Chinese government/CCP.

However, I don’t want to just stop here, the “political correctness” land, by saying “yeah that’s racism, don’t do that!” Not because it isn’t racism, but because to me, we can do better. We can do more than just to keep a “safer” distance from engaging into the situation where the fact is always more complex.

It’s not right to equal Chinese people to the Chinese government/CCP. But to avoid that mistake doesn’t mean we just separate the two things completely.

Apart from those racists, I do feel some conflicts between the Hong Kong protest supporters/HongKongers and some Chinese people were caused by deep frustration.

Like I mentioned above, some government’s ruling style certainly makes it harder for its people to be critical thinkers, decent citizens, or even just kind people, when being one might cause a lot from them. It’s not all their fault, even though I personally experienced the frustration for so many times regarding not only Hong Kong protests but also the future of my own country. And I won’t lie to you, I certainly felt absolutely furious about it every time I encountered one.

But it’s not all their fault.

While it doesn’t mean that individual holds no responsibility, either.

There are still people growing up and living under the Chinese government’s ruling who still care and support human rights. Who still dream and make an effort for a better future. In their own way. Sometimes we don’t hear about it because that’s the way to keep those activists alive, safe and doing their work.

Don’t erase them by equalizing Chinese people as a group to the Chinese government/CCP.

And don’t, don’t erase them by seeing all Chinese people as nothing but helpless victims of its government’s ruling. Taking away their agency, free will, and also, responsibilities, to love their country in the more danger but the right way.

And, to separate Chinese people and the Chinese government doesn’t mean to ignore any individual Chinese person’s action when it’s problematic. No matter they are doing it intentionally or just out of the lack of information. For their actions are part of this world, too. To talk with them, argue with them, or provide information is not assaulting Chinese people or being a racist if we do it in the decent way. It is respecting them as a person who can be discussed with and who has the capacity and willingness to change from a previous position. Even if the discussion goes no where in the end, if we do this publicly, other people will at least take some message from it. No actions will be a waste. And if, it’s clear that someone has been just spreading fake news or twisting what happened to harm the protest, then, I think it’s just fair to call them out (don’t overdoing it though!) For individuals hold responsibility and every action counts a part of this world we living in.

[msblackriver]

I Worked With a Future Racist Cop at a Popular Asian Restaurant

When I worked at this popular Asian chain restaurant (y’all have heard of it). I witnessed the beginnings of a white racist cop. It actually was the most racist environment I've ever been in. During my 6 month stay there, I heard many racist remarks and unnecessary identifications of someone’s skin color. I did not for the most part say anything until one day I did. I admit I probably should have said something much sooner but I've always been non confrontational and for that reason I allowed them to make me uncomfortable every day. The vast majority of the server staff there was Asian, and the level of prejudice was beyond belief. Where waitresses would constantly complain when they got a “brotha sista” table, “brotha sista” was their way of saying ‘black’, they called white people simply “american”, see any problems here? The majority of the servers participated in these conversations.

Most days it was this type of prejudice I would witness, “why you give me all the brotha sista?” they would complain to the host. 3 of the 4 hosts were black or mixed, 2 of them were the sons of the GM who was Japanese, their mother was black. I was told that certain hosts worked with certain waitresses and gave them better tables which of course meant white people. The GM’s kids seemed used to hearing this stuff. I never saw them participate in it but it seemed they were good friends with one of the worst offenders, they were also teenagers.

The person I am today would not have waited nearly as long to say something, and probably would not have worked in a horrible environment like that for that long. But I also have to accept that was who I was. I was someone who didn’t speak up when I should have. I was at times triggered and highly uncomfortable but I was silent, by being silent they may have assumed that I was okay with it or that I wasn’t black? I somehow was not black to them I was “other”, this is part of the reason I had a fly on the wall experience I believe? My appearance to some is not ‘their’ definition of black, I am East African and some East Africans have this sort of response from people, as we generally don’t look African American. For many people if you don’t fit this mold then you aren’t black to them. This explains why it may of been said initially but my silence is what kept it going.

The sad truth too is that when you don’t say something people will just become more and more comfortable, and their offenses gradually become worse and worse; this is human behavior. This I guess is why one day they were able to have such a disgusting conversation within earshot of me.

The staff was mainly Asian and Hispanic, with a few Black, Indian, and White employees.

The reason they didn’t want the “brotha sista” was because they didn’t tip. There is some truth to this as I found out after working there but still… You gotta take the L sometimes as a waiter/waitress, also if you know that your restaurant is a popular spot for black people, I just don’t see what’s the point of complaining every time you get a black table. The Minneapolis was about 18% black at the time. Of the diners in the restaurant I would say about 30% were black, we knew this, accept it and move on.

One black woman asked for her ice cream before the food, and that really set off the top server, “Stupid black girl! she want her ice cweam befo’ da food.” Why did she have to point out her race? Entirely unnecessary and suggested that she thought black people as a whole were stupid. The same woman later on in a moment of understanding how what she said could be offensive said that they “didn’t want the black customers because they didn’t tip, if they tip it ok, Mexican don’t tip either, Asians don’t tip either but they cheap so cheap they don’t even go out to eat so we don’t worry about them, they don’t come here.” So there you have it, it was strictly about the money, but still not o.k. to profile your customers based on the color of their skin. There were a few, very few who did not participate in all this bullshit but the majority of them did.

In the beginning I thought I should call John Quinones so they could do an undercover expose for ABC. One day they really pushed it over the edge. The atmosphere was uncomfortable for me but made it very comfortable for the two white boys there. Now that racist shit was bad coming from the Asians but sounded even worse coming from the white boys, it may not be right but this is just how I felt. Again it was the daily “brother sista” talk, they moved in and adapted to the lingo “oh God” they would say disappointed “more brotha sista.”

That was pretty much what it was until one day I overheard the worst conversation I've ever heard. The 3 of them sat there discussing the previous day, it was the 2 white boys and an Asian woman (the top Server). Mathew’s father had come to the restaurant the night before and was seated with black people, he complained and asked to be moved because “they were so loud and stupid.” This was all said with a laugh and received laughter from the other 2. “Yeah my dad does not like black people”, again said with a laugh and everyone was just very amused. The restaurant was community style seating which meant you could be seated with another group of people if you had less than 8 in your party. The conversation continued and it took an even worse turn where Mathew says that his dad told him that he should be a cop and work in Texas, “there you can beat the shit out of black people and get away with it.” I could not believe what I was hearing, my blood was boiling now, a few minutes later I confronted him.

“What you were saying a few minutes ago is not cool.”

He looked caught off guard, his eyes were wide.

“Are you a racist?” not sure why I asked.

“Um no i’m not, my dad is.”

“Well whatever you believe you can talk about it at home or with your friends but you can’t talk about that shit here at work.”

“I’m really sorry, I’m not a racist my dad is.”

He apologized a few times, he was nervous, the asshole piece of shit felt bad for being called out. I sat at a table and vented, my Filipino coworker put 2 and 2 together and understood

“so when I work with you, you don’t like what I say about black people either.” She looked at me waiting for me to respond.

“Well” I said, “you shouldn’t talk bad about black people in front of black people”

“but honey why you mad you not black you half and half.” She felt what she said was o.k. because she assumed I was “half and half”, which is untrue. Her racist ass thought that a person that wasn’t full black would and should undoubtedly denounce their blackness completely. She felt guilty as she should, she was actually one of the better ones there (sad I know). I was clearly upset and it now made them uncomfortable, funny isn’t it how that works? whereas I was uncomfortable everyday. I looked over to my right gesturing towards some of our Hispanic co workers

“i’m not gonna talk bad about Mexicans in front of them.” She so quickly and eagerly wanted to correct me and make me the bad guy, “but see they don’t like that either, they not all Mexican some of them are Salvadorian.” She was telling me something I already knew, the fact though is that some of them were Mexican, and I just used that as an example. She was so desperate to make me wrong to make me the same as her because she thought the whole time that what she said was cool. The funny thing is I never even called her out, she called herself out. I was talking about the white boy and what he said, she basically turned herself in. Even if I mistakenly called a Salvadorian a Mexican that isn’t racist that’s just ignorant, that doesn’t mean there is necessarily hate behind that, she was gas lighting to save herself. Here I was upset and she is there accusing me making me more upset.

Unfortunately this type of racism and prejudice is very common, fortunately for many of them they will not be in positions that determine the fate of black people. Their racism will not go beyond an unwelcoming demeanor in the area of which they live and work. Not offering the same level of service and good citizenship to customers and co inhabitants of their city based on a persons perceived race. Speaking negatively of other races when they feel they are not around. For a few they will enter positions where they can cause more severe harm like ‘Mathew’ who was considering joining law enforcement. I wish I remembered his last name so it would be easier to look him up, but I pray he did not join the force.

[agaywadarchive]

Title: Roast

Prompt: i want alex and claudia to pig out on cheese, water crackers or whatever, and wine while they talk shit about his coworkers and their neighbors. THEY PROBABLY JUST GOT BACK FROM A FANCY ASS PARTY #MARRIEDVERSE claudia still in her gorgeous dress and Alex's bow tie undone and laying around his neck and sleeves buttoned up the fore arm. the jacket on the chair behind him 👌👌👌👌

Who: Claudia Daviau, Alex Reeves. Mentions: Ingris, her husband, and Susana

Rating: R for language

For: @toptotoe @ravenpuff-writes

Notes: Claudia and Alex beng nasty (but not in a sexual way, they’re both being bitches. 

Her mother’s Winter Ball was always something Claudia looked forward to. Even though Claudia had disowned her mother the day of her wedding and hadn’t invited her to her wedding, Claudia still got along with her father and siblings and was always excited to see them. She usually had fun talking, laughing, and dancing with them. And even though her Ari didn’t like Alex; Amya, Avery, Felix, and her father thought he was alright. Which meant that there was no hostility or tension towards him or her while attending the ball. So today, when she attended the ball, she wasn’t surprised that the evening had gone great.

However, even though she had a good night, she was happy to get home. Her feet ached from walking around in heels and she was starved since there wasn’t really any good appetizers for her to choose from at the ball. So upon opening the door to her home, Claudia immediately took off her shoes and headed for the kitchen to get a plate of meat and some crackers for her and Alex to munch on. She kept on her dress because she liked the red and how good her shoulders looked without the straps. And after getting the food and placing it at the coffee table, she came back with two glasses of wine. Alex was already sitting on the couch, his jacket off and hanging on the arm of the couch, so she sat down on the cushion beside him and smiled at him.

“Did you see her face when I ignored her? She looked so pissed that I didn’t even bother acknowledging her,” Claudia said, a bright and mischievous expression lighting up her features as she spoke. Sometimes she liked ripping people apart with Alex because he seemed to be on the same page as her when it came to talking shit. They would talk about people they didn’t like - whether it be their colleagues, their batshit neighbors, or people that they met and never wanted to talk to again - for hours and it was both catty and fun for Claudia since, if she got into tangents about all the people she didn’t like in front of everyone else, that they’d probably be offended and tell her she was being a little too harsh. With Alex it wasn’t that way, so she got to say whatever she wanted to say without filtering her words.

Alex took the wine glass from her hands and took a long sip of it, before talking. “She looked like she wanted to kill you. I thought it was hilarious, but I think you could’ve done a lot worse. She was wearing white and you could’ve dropped punch on her.”

“You’re right. I was being too nice. I should’ve made my mother suffer. She was having way too much fun earlier,” Claudia responded, tapping her glass against his. Her leg was barely touching his because she wasn’t sure how close was too close after a night of socializing, but she was a bit tipsy so she wanted to touch him, even if it was subtle. She was certain that the glass of wine she would drinking would make her full on drunk, so she drank it slowly to avoid that.

There was a silence as Alex grabbed a cracker and a piece of ham and ate it and Claudia played with her hair. Then he spoke, “You were, yeah. I also think you’re a little too nice to the neighbor. That bitch Ingris really has it out for you, and she’s annoying as fuck. I don’t know how anyone deals with her squeaky voice and victim noises.” His face was blank as he spoke, but Claudia can see in his eyes that he was interested in the conversation.

“Oh yeah, I really have to. I feel like doing small things like tripping her in yoga class and sabotaging her garden would give her the hint that I’m on to her bullshit, but apparently, me bothering her only makes her more fake nice to me.” Claudia nodded and scrunched her face in disgust. “Then her husband is just...pathetic. Every time we do something with our yard, he copies it. And then there was that little stint at Lettie’s potlock where he hit on me, thinking I’d be interested in his disgusting ass.” Claudia scoffed, then took a swig of her wine. Already feeling more tipsy than earlier. “I fucking hate them.”

A small smirk twitched on Alex’s lips.  “I fucking hate them, too. If it weren’t for you loving this house, I would’ve had us out of here a long time ago.” He nodded his head, then shrugged casually.

“It is the best house that I could ask for, but sometimes I am willing to let it go if it means being away from that racist bitch and her gross husband.” She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

“Well, we could move if you wanted?” He shrugged again, then drank the last of his wine, his eyes glassy as he spoke.

“I lied, I don’t want to give up this house. It’s my dream house. I do have an idea though, and it’s complete garbage, but I don’t see you judging me over it.” She narrowed her eyes at him, daring him to judge her. Just so she could bitch about it.

“You want to get them to move out, don’t you?” A rare smile made its way to his face.

“Yes, but I think I’m going to need your help - you know if you’re willing.” She was the one who was shrugging now.

“I’m willing to help If we do this I won’t have to see that bitch again. So it’s a win-win for everybody.”

Claudia gave him an awarding winning smile before raising her glass. “Good. I’ll come up with a plan when I’m soberer.”

[cyanidefilledcandy]

So,

A month or so ago, I had finally made the decision to take my best friend up on his offer to move in with him and also maybe even take a break. In all honesty, it’s something I should’ve done a while ago; like.....3 years ago awhile ago. But, I was holding out the hope that my hard word would be rewarded and that I would at least have the opportunity for a promotion I honestly deserved. Not the case...

The past few months at work have been horrendous. Not just because we’re short staffed, but from the way I and others have been treated. 

I spoke briefly on the situation with my boss. Not only was he falsely accused of sexual harassment with evidence that proved the contrary; not only did he lose pay and it’s costing him money he uses to take care of his house, sons, and mother; but they wouldn’t even let him take over the store he wanted. It’s a store he’s wanted for a while that is close to home, instead making him take one that’s TWICE the drive the other two stores were. This is how he’s treated after 23 years of PHENOMENAL service. That’s not even an exaggeration. This man worked so hard and made SO much money for these people. Typically, in any given Kroger, the meat department make up about 2% of the store’s total sales. Ours made up 12% on average and it was steadily growing. Doesn’t matter... When this incident first happened, I had wondered if it was some kind of conspiracy against him to get him fired. Our grocery department has been at odds with us ever since we kept bringing up to management our concerns about literally being harassed and verbally assaulted by their frozen lead (a guy who should’ve never gotten the position any way considering he was insubordinate and doing the exact same thing to his deli leads when he first started (all women). So, they gave him a promotion...) Well, with the new store manager, allegedly, something was going to be done about that....and they didn’t like that. So, why not frame the guy who is causing them trouble, a man who has been a dear friend to them for over 20 years, for something horrible like sexual harassment?

So, right after, I had to take up the mantle, which I honestly didn’t mind. I hated the situation with a passion, and I honestly wouldn’t have taken a promotion anyway. I had been talking about seriously leaving the store (maybe even company) behind since before this incident. I’ve should’ve left long ago, but my mind was made up the day my store manager put me in the hospital from a panic attack. 

So, we’re GROSSLY understaffed (we always have been), despite having good numbers, doing a ABSURD amount of work by hand, and most importantly, doing absolutely ridiculous things for customers that most stores just outright refuse to do (hell, they won’t even do simple things). But, we soldier on and do the best that we can. Again, I don’t mind as much because I love the chance to showcase what I can do, especially with a promotion around the corner. 

Wasn’t given the opportunity. Instead, I kept getting sent people to “show me what to do” like I haven’t been there for 3 goddamn years (all men, btw). And what these men do is come in and disregard me completely and fuck me and my coworkers over with their bullshit. Because of them, what should have been a relatively simple holiday turned into a disaster for me, my coworkers, and our customers because these guys came in and left everything in disarray. And to make matters worse, management looked at me like it was my fault when I TOLD them this would happen. Furthermore, when they DID finally stop coming, it still left us GROSSLY understaffed, and we did all we could do.

Wasn’t good enough. Everyday, we got talked down to, treated like we were incompetent, and that anybody but us could do the job better. And to make matters worse, the new store manager got some kind of bug up her ass about me. I originally thought it was because I wasn’t all happy and smiley like when she first started. And why would I be? 

We lost our leader and good friend due to a bullshit conspiracy, we’re being treated like dirt, the district meat manager is outright refusing to give me a chance, we’re short staffed and working ourselves to death to try and keep this department going and on top of all of that, my car is still down. I’m paying $200 a week and actually living in poverty to work here. So yes.....I’m not smiling. 

But apparently, she took it personally, and ever since then goes out of her way to make sure I’m always overrode on decisions, make sure to always ask others opinions on my department when I’m it’s leader and have been for over 3 years now. I won’t get into every little thing, but basically she treats me as if I’m incompetent, ignores any hard work I do and finds something to complain about. 

Meanwhile, my mental health (which is already like a thread’s worth there) is steadily getting worse. I’m stressed from not being able to do a good enough job because I don’t have health, depressed from how me and my coworkers are being treated, depressed that others are getting all of the glory and being treated better than me and like THEY’RE the one keeping the department going when they’re clearly not (a white woman), and depressed that I not only am not getting a chance for a promotion, but that I never WILL get that chance for a promotion. 

The district meat manager has overlooked me time and time again, and I always knew me being a black woman was a key issue in that. I’ve been repeatedly denied even to take classes to become a manager of my own department. Any time there is a chance for me to prove that I can do a good job, I am denied that opportunity and some man is brought in to show me how to do my job. I knew it then, but for some reason hung on to the hope that if I kept pushing and kept doing my job that I could prove myself and get to run a market. I was being dumb. This time struck me harder. My old manager told me that he REALLY wanted me to become a meat manager because none of the women he ever trained became one. ....I have no idea how it hasn’t hit him, because it hit my like a bag of bricks. Let me tell you something about my manager....

He’s good. He’s extremely good. And he’s a great and knowledgeable teacher. Every backup he has has been promoted and moved on to run their own markets within a year. The one who didn’t was literally because he had a learning disability. But, he kept working with him, and now that man is at a corporate level in the company. That man...

He’s had his fair share of female backups, and none of them have EVER made it past that position....and none ever will. I remember going to a meeting with all of the meat managers and backups and just curiously looking around at the demographics. There was ONE other female backup there, but no female leads.

I’ve always known this about the man who sits at the head of our district’s meat department. He’s sexist, plain and simple. Maybe even a tad racist. But, he constantly talks to me (and other women) like we’re incompetent children. One day, he came in and was explaining a VERY simple business concept to me and kept repeating “Oh, you probably don’t understand this. You probably don’t understand this,” like I’m just fucking stupid. 

My BIGGEST pet peeve is for someone to treat my like I’m stupid and/or that I’m beneath them, and I get both from this guy, and it takes everything in my power not to slice his fucking neck open with the myriad of knives available in my department (or to just snap and tell him about himself). I KNOW my IQ is WORLDS higher than this guy’s. It’s not my fault I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my ass.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Kroger as a whole is sexist or racist. This seems to be an occurrence that’s isolated to this department (maybe even JUST in this division). And if you’re wondering about the female backups, well, that decision belongs to the meat manager of that particular store. Whether someone becomes a lead, however, depends on this fat, sexist fuck who is at our corporate level. And if that wasn’t apparent enough, it became even more apparent once the market opened up....

So, the guy they ultimately gave the store to (a young, white male) comes in and management is a COMPLETE 180. They assure that he has help at all times. They give him the utmost praise for the smallest accomplishments. And when they grade the department, it’s ALWAYS favorably. The grades for the department has steadily been nothing but B’s since he got here. When I was running it, I was lucky to get a C+ and this was even before manager got fired. I can see him doing the same amount of work and the department looking the same as when I would get a C+ and they would give him a B+. And to top things off, the manager made a HUGE fucking deal about assuring he had 2 days off a week. I worked myself to EXHAUSTION, 24 fucking days in a row, 7 days a week, usually for 9-11 hours a day no matter how sick I was, and got told “Why isn’t the department perfect? Why do you have overtime? Why aren’t you smiling?” And what’s worse, our numbers are steadily getting worse, and is he getting in any trouble for it? No. They could come in and we’re out of product because he wants to order “by the skin of my teeth”; customers come in looking for things and it’s not there, even past the time we’re supposed to be set up. Does he get into any trouble for it? No. And I’m not mad at this kid. I’m not. He’s only doing what I was trying to do. He has nothing to do with how I’ve been treated, and I’m not the type of person to take out on someone what someone else did to me. I’m not that person; I’m never going to be that person.

And each day it cuts deeper and deeper. I should be over it by now (I AM moving and made it very well known that I was leaving), but it still really fucking hurts. I’ve given SO much to work at that job. Not just physically, but I put myself through so much to stay there. I lived in poverty, worked my body to the point where I don’t think I’ll ever recover, kept myself in a dangerous situation and wound up being ATTACKED from it, when I could’ve been living with my best friend, at least semi-happy and safe. And why? Because I’m ambitious and wanted to work to get to a better position. Money was a factor, but a very small one. I’m just the type of person who always wants to move forward and do better. Ambitious and perfectionist. 

Doesn’t matter...

I could go on and on and on about all the bullshit I’ve been through at Kroger, as well as witnessed other people go through. (Believe it or not, but this is just scraping the VERY recent surface.) But, it doesn’t matter because I had set a date and time to move away and join my friends. They decided to move to Arizona, and while I’m not in LOVE with the idea of going THERE in particular, I am in love with the idea of getting away from this place that brought me nothing but misery and just starting over and....trying to get myself together. I’m in SUCH bad shape and have been for a very, very long time; mentally, physically, and emotionally. So, my plan was to get my car back in decent working order, start back my second job so that I can end with them on a good, professional note, start packing, and then just....leave by the 20th on next month. Simple. Obtainable.

Not happening...

This weekend, my car went out completely... It’s...just done...

And I want to kill myself because it was because a stupid, simple mistake on my part. Something I was unaware of, but simple nonetheless. I won’t get into it. I don’t want to hear comments about how I should’ve known that and blah blah blah.... I feel bad enough about it. 

And the timing is just AWFUL because I’m just three payments away from paying the car off completely. My second JUST got in contact with me about filling out rehire paperwork (but it’s right behind my other job, which is a city away). And worst of all, just when I’m only 3-4 weeks away from moving and trying to get my life back on track...

Furthermore, this is going to put me back into the cycle of spending $200+ a week to get to work, and....I absolutely REFUSE to do that... It’s not worth it. It has NEVER been worth it. I stayed for my manager and my coworkers....to make their lives easy, because they’re people I genuinely love. I can’t afford to dish out that kind of money, and am considering just quitting and finding something closer until I can come up with a down payment on a new car...

That being said, even though it shouldn’t take me a long time to find a job....it just might, and I’m already still very far behind on bills, and I can’t NOT have income. And Unemployment Benefits criteria is SO nitpicky here, that I’m afraid I won’t be able to receive benefits, even though this IS a work related problem.

So, I’m stuck. Stuck and depressed and stuck...

I have no idea what my move should be. I don’t know if I should just quit Kroger and look for something around here. Or try and tough it out at Kroger until something becomes available (which....I’m going to be honest, it was hard enough trying to stay there until the end of the month. Going there day after day is slowly chipping away more at my mental health that I feel like I could snap at any day... I was only trying to hold on so that I had a job when I moved to Arizona, even though my friend told me it was fine to just take a month off and THEN start looking for work.) So....*sigh* I just don’t know...

....besides just swallowing a bottle of pills. It sounds like I’m being melodramatic, but....it’s honestly the best option at this point. And not just because of this. Because of everything...

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of the world I inhabit. 

[j-ckiie-blog]

I haven’t made any true personal posts on this blog in a long time, partly because I’m enjoying keeping my personal life private and removing myself from the ever-watchful eye of this website ... but also because life has been increasingly hectic for me, and it’s been almost impossible to dedicate enough time to writing —— in ANY capacity.

It’s not news that my work life is hell. That hasn’t changed. If anything though, it’s gotten worse ... to the point where my boss is leaving the company, and management has handled her resignation so poorly that it’s absolutely embarrassing. They have yet to make an official announcement, despite her last day being next week —— and they’ve known for about three weeks, now. With her leaving, and our social media strategist leaving on the same day, and another member of the marketing team on maternity leave, that leaves me and one other person on this team ... and we were told by our boss that the Sales VP will be taking over Marketing. This might not sound too surprising, given that sales and marketing are so closely linked, but this VP is completely incapable of running this department —— he has absolutely no knowledge of design or marketing strategy, he’s a racist, bigoted asshole ... he already thinks I don’t do enough work even though I am busting my ass for this company 24/7. My other coworker cried upon hearing the news. We’ve both been applying for new jobs.

I have an interview today, and while I’m reluctant to get my hopes up ... I’m really, really hoping it all works out. I can’t be here anymore. I’m miserable, I’m exhausted, I don’t feel like myself —— I’m burnt out and have no energy for anything at all, even the hobbies that have always kept me sane.

If this doesn’t work out, I’ll just keep applying to other gigs ... but it’s stressful. I feel like I’m racing some invisible clock.

In other news, my boyfriend was here for about five days last week/over the weekend. We had such an amazing time together —— I can honestly say I’ve never felt like this toward any other person I’ve ever dated or known. Cas stands alone in every single way ... a pillar of light for me, of hope; he has washed the slate clean and showed me how incredible love can truly be. I feel at ease, I feel at home —— and while there will always be struggles in life, he makes it all feel so bearable. I can’t begin to tell you what that feels like.

This weekend I’m visiting my sister in Hartford, and I’m really excited. I’ve missed her a lot, and now that she’s living so close, I’ll be able to spend more time with her. 

Healing comes in many forms. It comes in the bonds you build, that creep up over time. It comes in having friends that understand that you’re busy, that you’re not trying to ignore them —— you just have so much going on, that it’s impossible to talk to them as much as you’d like to. It comes in understanding, and sunny mornings, and friendly conversations over a cup of coffee. One day, you let go of the chains that have held you down —— the tactics you learned to combat emotional abuse. Defense mechanisms subside once you know you’re finally safe.

I’ve come a long way, though I know I still have a ways to go. In the end, all you can do is keep trying your best ... picking yourself up off the ground, and never ever giving up. It gets better, I promise you that.

[shoephoneweasley]

Story time with Shoephone! #3

I'm super behind on my story times, I have so many between my last post and now. But I'm gonna go on and tell this one and try to tell the others when I'm not sleep deprived and tired. This is just one of my favorite things to happen over the last few months. So I have to admit this now, and I know it makes me a horrible person and I'm honestly so sorry. But sometimes, I'm a big racist towards Brazilians 😞 It's nothing major, it's just that when I see them in big groups around Disney World, the first thing I do is roll my eyes because I know loud chanting and cheering is going to follow. It's so annoying when you're trying to work and you can't hear anything over all the Brazilians outside the window. A few weeks ago, I was working at the Fruit Market and I saw our pretzel runner was heading our way. I was super excited because I thought it was my friend Michael, but it turned out to be this Brazilian guy named Tales (tah-lez). I rolled my eyes and basically ignored him when he came up (I told you guys, I'm awful, I feel terrible for judging people I don't know) and started putting more pretzels in the machine. He started singing and he sounded fabulous, but I wasn't going to let him know I thought that. He was talking to one of my coworkers who's this older gay man and hella in love with him. All of the sudden, Tales turns to me and say, "Give me a song to sing, please. I need something new." I didn't think he was the type to listen to the same music as I do, so I said, "Nah, I can't think of anything," and continued making transactions with guests. He kept begging me to give him a song and finally I said, "Sing something from Ed Sheeran," knowing damn well he didn't know who he was. I just wanted him to leave me alone. He thought and thought for a moment and then all of the sudden, he burst into the first lines of "Give Me Love." I literally stopped everything I was doing and turned around to listen to him. He sang so effortlessly and knew every word. He was so flawless and made the song even more beautiful. My jaw dropped so quick. And then he says, "Ah, yes! That's one of my favorites! There's also Thinking Out Loud!" And then he managed to combine Give Me Love and Thinking Out Loud into this beautiful medley because he couldn't remember which one was which. And honestly, for a moment, neither could I. He soon packed up his bag and left, saying he would bring us more pretzels later on. I only nodded and watched him leave. My older coworker then laughed at me and said, "You're in love with him now too, aren't you?" I nodded again, still staring off into the distance. From that moment on, I always looked forward to him being the pretzel runner when I was working Fruit Market. We would laugh and joke around and I would give him more songs to sing (not just Ed Sheeran). It was always a fabulous time. But then, yesterday, I found out today was his last day of work before his program ended. I found him in Harambe and demanded he learn "Castle on the Hill" (Ed's new song, in case you didn't know 😉) and sing it to me before his last shift. He promised he would and then I left. So much stuff happened at work that I honestly forgot about it. I went over to Harambe Market to talk to a leader, and I saw Tales as I rounded the corner. He grew really excited and began belting out the chorus to the song. "I'm on my way, driving at ninety down those country lanes, singing to Tiny Dancer..." I was already having a good day, but my smile became even wider when I heard him singing the words perfectly. I hugged him so hard and kept going, "You actually did it!! I'm so proud of you!!" He told me that the night before while we were on the bus, he listened to the song over and over again until he finally got it right, and he fell in love with it. I was hella impressed that he literally learned this song overnight. I talked to the leader and as I was leaving, he began singing again. This time, I didn't hesitate to join him. "And I miss the way you make, me feel, and it's real. We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill." We got applause from guests and coworkers, even my coordinator. One of the cooks told us to shut up, but I fought him and won (and by fought, I mean I pinched his arm fat). It's honestly so amazing how good singing can completely change your day in the best way possible. Tales became one of my absolute favorite people in the span of like three or four weeks and I'm going to miss him so much. Thanks for making my day, whether I needed it or not ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[dearimonk-blog]

Opening Letter: Sadness, Shock, Differences, and Love in the Political Wilderness

Dear Dad,

You’ve been dead for over seven years, and I’m writing you a letter. I’m writing you a letter and I’m putting it on the Internet. I’m blogging, just like you aways wanted.

I sound sarcastic. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m spiteful that you’re gone, that you had some success with your writing before you died. I don’t, however, mean to be. I loved you, more than I ever knew while you were alive, and I miss you. That’s why I’m writing to you, dad, and sending this outside of the realm of the physical, in hope that your data still holds your life, and if I put more of my own out there then we can stand in the snow and say nothing again.

You started internetmonk.com in November 2000, shortly after the election of George W Bush (I remember you being up all night, watching the results, and possibly losing your mind-- facing out on the couch, one leg curled under you, the other firm on the ground, the way you ticked your neck when you sat still for so long), and it’s taken me most of 17 years to really read what you were saying.

Thinking back, it seems like I have held on to a small list of things I believed about your website and your writing, all based on hearing you talk and bitch and laugh about it. I believed you to write about evangelical Christianity, and about “The Church” (as I understood it, the metaphorical body of Christ, represented by congregations of believers, bringing the Kingdom of God to earth; the smaller details were the tinder that kept your website’s fires burning). And I knew you to be critical of your own subject and expertise. To you, like to most of the “secular” world, the Church had a lot of things wrong, and you specialized in calling them out on it.

You sharpened your blade on Joel Osteen’s fucking teeth and wielded words to slice through the prosperity gospel and megachurches, one personal essay at a time. But most importantly to you, and, back then, to me, too, you brought attention back to the foundation of your religion: the grace of God leading to the crucifixion of Christ for the redemption of all (I still have this rhetoric down pretty well, huh?). Anything else, I thought I heard you say, was practically beside the point.

And so you riled up all the pastors and church-goers fretting about their right and wrong doings. You pissed ‘em off. They wrote you. They commented. They called you a heretic. Your job security was frequently brought into question. You experienced a sense of alienation from your coworkers and community, because you were full of genuine conviction, because you cared, because you were honorable and true.

You were my hero, dad, even when I seemed to hate you or insisted on doing things you disapproved of. When I fucked up, you never stopped loving me. That’s what makes a hero: love, and you were filled to the brim with it, at least for me.

I was heartbroken, then, when I read one of your old essays and found your racism.

I was disappointed, then, when I discovered the great disconnect between how you love people in your immediate life and how you voted and abdicated for war, even defended it with God’s name.

I was confused by how you used your belief in a God who created all things and a Jesus who died for everyone’s sins to defend the loose notion of American nationalism.

And I have barely cracked the surface of those archives, Dad; there’s a lot more to find.

We had another election, you know, just barely over a year ago. It was the third presidential election I’ve been able to vote in. You were around for my first. I chatted with you online and told you that because Obama had won and I had voted for him, I felt like I actually did something, and I was happy and excited about it. I don’t remember your exact words, but they were lite and faint. I knew you hadn’t voted for him. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was excited, and I knew I could trust you with that feeling, no matter if you agreed with my vote or not.

I bought weed that night, I’ll never forget it. I paid $20 for some amount of weed that I didn’t understand, smoked a blunt with my friends, and didn’t take any with me. It was a waste of money. The dealer was playing a video game, and every few minutes he changed the input on his TV back to cable so that we could all keep an eye on the results. When the confetti was flying and the landslide victory was established, he began yelling, mostly “No”s and “fuck”s, but then “Someone should assassinate that nigger”.

That’s when I left (I was immediately in the market for a new drug dealer), and I chatted with you from my dorm room. You were at home, two hours away, in the mountains of South Eastern Kentucky. Comfortable. You probably sighed and maybe said an oath or two. Complained to mom a little bit.

We never talked about politics. Not really. I knew you were conservative. You called yourself “libertarian-leaning” and I generally took that to mean “rebellious republican”.

It might have been in that moment, you know, with the stoned guy yelling racist stuff at the tv, that I started to realize the world was much different then I had known it to be for a very long time. I ended up a card-carrying socialist, dad, and I don’t know if you’d hate that or not.

It’s been eye-opening, you know, looking back at all of your words, transplanting myself back to the time when you were writing. I was a kid during all of it. I hadn’t had any legitimate political conviction outside of the vague paranoia, distrust, and skepticism I learned from Alan Moore stories somewhere along the way (I remember once wearing a new Che Guevera t-shirt at the dinner table. You asked why your son was wearing a Che Guevera t-shirt, and me being young and foolish and vain, I had no answer).

September 11th 2001 wasn’t until most of a year after you started writing. The world was shifting very normally, and then very rapidly. Your moment, maybe, was much like mine. It’s been almost a year now since the election of Donald Trump into the office of the President of the United States of America. I lived under eight years of Barack Obama, the rise of drone strikes and the dirtiest war strategies, the quiet mass-deportations, the loss of privacy.

Do you remember when the words shifted in our mouths? “Terrorism”, “Bin Laden”, “Security”, “Patriot”, “Democracy”. They became sweet and heavy and new and absolutely everything changed.

And then I felt it again. “Immigrant”, “Privacy”, “Neutrality”, “Identity”, “Supremacist”, “Nationalist”, “Alt-”… our vocabulary shifting, evolving, representing our time and our moment.

I was confident for most of the past year that you would not have worn the red hat. That the person I learned from, whose ideas, conviction, and love led me to my political identity, couldn’t be on the wrong side; you would be on my side. But I question it now, dad.

I hadn’t realized your investment in politics. I didn’t know you were writing about it so much. I didn’t know all of that goodness that led me to the left could be argued to be so compatible with the right. At least I didn’t know you were doing that, until I looked.

So listen, dad, I think I have to do this. I think I have to talk to you. I think the moments I knew you to be strongest during were much like these ones I live in now.

And moreover, I miss you, and I want to talk to you, so maybe this is how.

Let’s tear open our differences. Let’s examine one another. Here’s my plan: I’ll keep listening to you, I’ll keep going through your essays and your posts, sifting through your data, and I will respond. Here. In this space. I’ll drop it off for you, dad. I’ll cry. And I’ll disagree with you. And I’ll wish you were across the table from me listening and huffing when I disagree, just so you know that I have to think about these things, too. That you didn’t raise a boy who can be completely ignorant. That you passed on lessons of conviction and love.

That hard line, Love, will have stay between us.