#the ravenloft wanderers

[theravenloftwanderers]

Curse of Strahd: The Ravenloft Wanderers (Incorrect quotes 2)

Gather around homies the bedtime story is real juicy.

[willow-boop]

"You are INFURIATING. Next time I am taking you in myself." -Taeral 2024 for the third time after disaster.

Made because I love drawing shit eating grins, I adore Phil the chaos gremlin and I want Tae to foam at the mouth with rage.

Tae by me

Philly cheese my beloved by @theravenloftwanderers

[chaotic-miserables]

Troublemakers, am I right Tae?

(I like to think there are multiple versions of Tae, each one stuck (or mayhap shipped) with their own chaos gremlin)

(Tae as a pansexual man is unfortunately vulnerable to all genders, rip him)

Rook by @-tokyo-mewtwo

Philly cheese by @-theravenloftwanderers

[darklordazalin]

Azalin Reviews: Urik von Kharkov

Domain: Valachan Domain Formation: 625 BC Power Level:  💀💀 ⚫ ⚫ ⚫ (3/5 skulls) Sources: 2e: Darklords, Realms of Terror, Domains of Dread, Felkovic’s Cat; 3e: Gazetteer IV, Secrets of the Dread Realms; Novel: Tales of Ravenloft; 5e: van Richten’s Guide to Ravenloft “Baron” Urik von Khakov was the former Darklord of Valachan until Chakuna defeated and replaced him. I use the title “Baron” lightly as he is not and never has been a Baron and is not even really human though he desperately wishes to be.Valachan is a heavily forested domain dominated by evergreens and redwoods in a temperate ecosystem with a few small townships dotting the landscape. In 5e this has been changed into a rainforest with two newly named townships instead of three. All of these villages are barely populated, so it makes little difference.

Urik’s story is, well I’d say unique but there are stranger Darklords in the Demiplanes, so I’ll just say that his story is a fascinating experiment conducted by Morphayus, a Red Wizard of Thay. I have been called vindictive in the past by those who have little understanding of my intentions, but I do not even come close to Morphayus’s levels. This wizard had his eyes on a young woman named Selena who had no interest in him. This indifference plagued Morphayus and he plotted his revenge. Try being married to indifference and spite for 17 years, then get back to me Morphayus…

Morphayus found a unique and rare version of the polymorph spell and used it to transform a panther into a man. He gave that man a fake title and name (Baron Urik von Kharkov), then educated him at the finest universities Cormyr had to offer. He groomed the man cat to be the perfect match for Selena and the two eventually fell for one another. Morphayus then dispelled the polymorph upon Urik when he was intimate with Selena, which ended with Selena being mauled to death by a giant panther. Morphayus, being an incompetent wizard who stumbled upon a powerful spell, turned Urik back into a man, thinking he could use the same ploy again on another, but had not realized Urik would remember his life as a man. Urik, horrified and ashamed of what he had done, fled from Morphayus and into the mists, which deposited him into Darkon.

There Urik learned of the Kargat, my secret police and as any good citizen would, wished to join their ranks. Seeing how much he distrusts wizards, it is interesting that he agreed to work for me considering I go by the title “The Wizard King”, but the lure of immortality is a potent one. Urik willingly allowed a vampire to turn him, not realizing that he would now be under the whims of the vampire that changed him for all eternity. He worked under his maker for 2 decades until his maker was slain by another. Seeing a chance to escape, Urik fled into the mists once more and found himself the ruler of his own Domain, Valachan.

As Darklord, Urik copied my Kargat with a group of werepanthers to assist him in ruling his realm from Castle Pantara, a large stone structure designed to resemble a crouching tiger. Why not a panther? Maybe Urik decided he had too many panther things going on? Can’t be TOO obvious about these things. Urik demands little of his people, mainly taxes and servants now and then to attend to the castle. These servants and any who come close to Urik’s castle often suffer from “white fever”. This “white fever” is nothing more than a fabrication to hide Urik and his vampire thrall’s thirst for human blood. Urik’s paranoia has proven to be a boon and his massive mind control he has used upon his people have made it so few realize his true nature.

Every year, he also demands a bride from his people. These unfortunate women are typically drawn through lotteries, but occasionally Urik picks one out himself. Fickle like a cat. This led to the creation of the jade figurine known as Felkovic’s Cat and Urik’s greatest fear. Urik took an interest in Felkovic’s wife and made plans to have the wizard killed so he could then select his wife as a bride. His version of the Kargat are not as disciplined nor discreet as my own and ended up speaking of the plan while in the same room as Felkovic. Felkovic, in hopes of saving his wife, created the jade cat figurine which would transform and assassinate Urik when commanded.

Felkovic, being a lesser mage, was charmed and then killed by Urik’s panthers before he was given the opportunity. Felkovic cursed Urik with his dying breath and his spirit became tied to the cat figurine. Felkovic learned to possess the object, transforming it into a larger and larger cat over the course of seven days. On the seventh day, the cat figurine, now the size of a saber tooth tiger, attacked and nearly killed Urik, who was only saved by his servants.

Urik is a beast that dreams of being a man. He struggles between his animalistic nature as a panther, his lust for blood as a vampire, and his past love as a man. He takes the form of a panther instead of a wolf and can summon these large cats to fight beside him. Otherwise, he is a standard vampire who cannot change into a bat. In 5e, Urik has been defeated by a werepanther named Chakuna and only his severed head remains hidden in the new Darklords abode.

In summary, Urik is a giant cat whose biggest fear is a giant magical stone cat and who tried to copy his former boss’s government. Should I be flattered? No. 2 out of 5 skulls, but only because I like cats…

[petalpierrot]

Last session we put Lady Wachter under house arrest

We also found Gertruda wandering the streets of Vallaki.

The ranger was polymorphed into a cat and the druid wild shape into one for support, and then both of them lured her into the mad wizard's mansion to keep her safe.

[tixdixl]

Those Who Wander - a homebrew Gothic Horror dnd campaign is now LIVE

[honourablejester]

Random half-baked 5e thought, but as the spooky month approaches, I’m reminded that I really, really want to play a Stars Druid for horror. Just. A lot.

It’s just the imagery of stars and omens that permeates the subclass. Starry Form, you become a piece of the night sky, your body a dark canvas on which glowing constellations paint themselves. Omens, weal or woe. Constellations, to dispense healing or radiant judgement. If you like cosmic horror, and I quite like cosmic horror, there’s such a temptation there.

And. There’s a background in Van Richten’s Guide to Ravenloft, called the Haunted One, which is that your entire character history is dominated by a dark event or secret that, well, haunts you. You get a feature, Heart of Darkness, which is just that people looking at you can tell that you have seen some shit and will try to help you out if you haven’t pissed them off, and you also get a ‘Harrowing Event’. Which is that dark event that dogs your footsteps. And one of them is the following:

“You were born under a dark star. You can feel it watching you, coldly and distantly. Sometimes it beckons you in the dead of night.”

And sometimes, if you’re a Stars Druid, it beckons you from within your body. Every time you invoke Starry Form. There’s a constellation on your body, a dragon or a chalice or an archer, but there’s also, every time, somewhere on your skin, in your bones, shining from your flesh, another, darker, more distant star. Maybe you can’t see it yourself, in that form, not always, but you can feel it.

You’re a child of omen. You were born under a dark star. A watching star. And you like to think you could have run from it, but instead you carry it with you. Within your skin. Within your magic.

Was it on purpose? Your birth? The difference between ‘circle’ and ‘cult’ is sometimes rather academic, after all. Or were you an infection, a curse? Were you driven out, a cursed omen to wander the land, and that’s why you’re here now? Or were you taught instead. Trained to embrace it. Perhaps your circle were a circle of ill omen, believers of an apocalyptic destiny. That dark star is distant now, but it won’t always be. And you, you are a harbinger of that fate.

I do like the Star Map as well, on this character. Any of the suggested forms, but in particular the ‘collection of maps bound in an ebony cover’. Your star map is your own creation. Perhaps you’ve been tracking your star’s approach. Maps of the night sky, and maps of your skin. Maybe every time you invoke Starry Form, you ask those around you afterwards where it was. That other star. Where has it moved, and does it mean anything? What happens when that dark star reaches your heart? Or your brow? Does the movement across your skin match the movements across the skies? Or is it a more personal, intimate motion, a signifier of a smaller and more personal apocalypse?

There is a temptation to flavour some of the druid spells to reflect the dark star’s influence, Entangle most easily, but that might be a trap. The druid list doesn’t lend particularly well to that. Maybe keep the horror for starry form, and have your magic be your attempt to ground yourself back down. Ground yourself in the world, in the dirt and the soil and the water, to stave off that darker influence. But maybe it creeps in anyway. Maybe you find yourself favouring spells like Moonbeam and Heat Metal, like Maelstrom and Cone of Cold. Divinations, like Augury, Divination, Scrying. Seeking omens.

Druids don’t, generally, have the spell list for cosmic horror, not like an aberrant sorcerer or a goolock, but just from Starry Form. Just from that. And the divination, omen, weal or woe aspect. Your omen is written in your flesh. And every time, to empower yourself, you invoke it. You pull it closer. Wear it inside your skin. Shine its light out into the world through the vessel of your own form. A harbinger, a walking omen of a distant malice.

A child of omen. A daughter of a dark star. Clinging to earth, to stone, to the magic of this world, but forever bearing witness to something more distant and more alien. And drawing it, by your own actions, ever closer to all that you protect.

Oh, I do, I really do, want to play Stars Druid for horror. So very much. Heh.

[ocelot-art]

Rahadin Headcanons

I've been working on a Curse of Strahd fanfiction for a while now. In case anyone is looking for character inspiration for their own campaign or just want a fanfic lore dump, here's the amalgamation I've amassed over the past 2 years!

Spoilers under the cut.

Identity: cisgender, he/him. Demisexual (VERY rare attraction), demiromantic

Age: 465. He was banished by the dusk elves when he was 30 and spent 5 years as a wanderer (and often a beggar on the outskirts of the town Bellemeade) before King Barov recruited him

Equipment (Changed from module): Rahadin's deathly choir is connected to his cursed scimitar. The blade became cursed when he drove it through his own mother's heart when killing the dusk elves. The ability activates when Rahadin is not in control of his emotions; over time, he's mastered this ability and can control when it activates. He also wields a bow (I refuse to let the lad use DARTS), and wears studded leather armor atop a doublet. As he gets cold easily, he wears a fur-lined cloak with hood to protect his ears

Personality: Loyalty above all else. Rahadin will remain stone-faced through any comment/insult unless it offends Strahd's honor, in which he will attack if the issue is pushed. The only exception is sexual comments, in which he will try and quickly excuse himself from the situation red-faced. He has no sense of humor and his attempts at jokes often fall flat. (Those points in charisma are solely for intimidation and diplomacy.) He avoids discussing his own feelings and will rarely disclose his thoughts on matters unless Strahd is specifically seeking his consult

Hobbies: Rahadin loves botany, and his office is filled with plant-related books. He used to be a prolific gardener before he was banished by the dusk elves. In the early years, he would tend to the gardens of Castle Ravenloft. Before his turning, Strahd had instructed Rahadin to prepare and tend to a rose garden dedicated to Queen Ravenovia, and it would become his pride and joy - until Strahd had it destroyed in his grief upon his mother's passing. After Strahd chided him for wasting time on such a useless hobby, Rahadin pretty much stopped gardening and allowed the gardens to run wild. He still grows his own poisons for his weapons in the chapel garden

Skills: Despite seeing most animals as dirty (and preferring to ride spectral steeds for this reason), he is a skilled horseman. He’s also a skilled tactician, and has a way with extracting information from (or punishing) prisoners. Strahd is happy to delegate torture to his chamberlain and sees it as a reward for his loyalty. On the other hand, Rahadin is painfully bad at physical labor and crafts.

Relationships: Rahadin despises most of Strahd's consorts, but he usually keeps his thoughts to himself so as to not annoy Strahd. He enjoys taunting Escher with stories of how Strahd has locked previous consorts in the catacombs when he grew bored of them. Otherwise, he sees Escher as an attention-starved puppy and is constantly annoyed by Escher trying to start conversations with him. Strahd, knowing that Rahadin cannot stand Escher, takes great joy in sending the two out together on missions. Ludmilla and Rahadin respect one another and are on friendly terms. He respects her loyalty and calm counsel and sees her as the main source of wisdom besides himself in the castle. He and Anastrasya are not on good terms; with an overly polite facade masking an insulting interior, she never shies from throwing thinly veiled insults his way. The most feral of the consorts in his opinion, Volenta is primarily ignored by him.

Rahadin once fancied Ludmilla before she was turned, and had begun the process of courting her. Strahd, concerned that a spouse would distract Rahadin from his duties as chamberlain and decrease his loyalty, interjected himself. Being the more charming of the two, Strahd wooed Ludmilla and turned her. This upset Rahadin, but he would never question the will of his master.

Religion: While he no longer fully worships the elven pantheon (Corellon, etc.), he still has a reverence for nature and elven lore (particularly the stories behind constellations)

Diet: Vegetarian, like most dusk elves

Strahd: He's wary of and has plenty of snide remarks for anyone that shows the slightest romantic interest in Strahd, believing that they are only interested in him for his power/wealth. He believes that he is the only one that truly appreciates Strahd for who he is. He is always looking out for his master in this regard, which annoys Strahd greatly.

Valuing his loyalty, Strahd gave Rahadin his word that he would never bite him after he became a vampire.

Taught Strahd Elvish when Strahd was a young man

He is unaware that Strahd is the one that killed Sergei. Instead, he still believes it was by the hand of an assassin/one of Leo Dilisnya's men that Sergei died. Rahadin will brush off any related comments from PCs as hearsay and attack if the issue is pushed.

Shippy stuff: Rahadin developed feelings for Strahd when the both of them were still young men. When Strahd became a vampire, it crushed Rahadin to see the way it changed the man he loved. His personality had changed, and although the dread lord would never admit it, Rahadin could tell that Strahd was miserable. Knowing that Strahd would never return his feelings, he's kept them secret for over 400 years. Although he has not made it known, Strahd is aware that his chamberlain has feelings for him and will use it to his advantage if necessary.

He is a sadist and, in later years, a masochist

[vodoriga-art]

well, my curse of strahd PC fucked up and got kidnapped along with ireena after strahd manipulated him, and now they're stuck in castle ravenloft... and I think it's really funny to imagine my sheltered vampire dork running into kaspar in the castle hallway and both being like ????

He was just about to go on break after a hard night of vivisecting prisoners medical research and now there's new people wandering the halls unsupervised, Strahd preserve us.

[lycantripuwu]

So Rhil might have "wandered" a bit too deep into Ravenloft, and she might have some regrets.

She's alive! But boy, she almost wasn't. Her back got singed pretty badly while she ran for her life.

I hope Strahd didn't hear that dragon roar 👍

[howtofightwrite]

My character learned to fight with staves and spears, what would it be better for her to take to a “DnD style” dungeon? (The world is similar to DnD world, although the spear is seriously underpowered in the rules)

So, I'm going to start with a couple nitpicks.

As someone with tabletop RPG experience, labeling it as, “D&D world,” is a really weird thing to read. D&D is primarily three distinct things. The rule systems themselves, and at this point we're up to the sixth or seventh major rules iteration. D&D as settings, except you'll almost never hear this one phrased that way. Finally, D&D as branding, which is extraordinarily nebulous, and tends to pick iconography out of the rules or settings. Simply identifying something as D&D could refer to any of these.

Officially, D&D has roughly 20 campaign settings. Any one of those could be categorized broadly as, “a D&D world.” Depending on the edition, the default setting is either Greyhawk or Forgotten Realms. These are entirely different worlds. Greyhawk is more of the conventional medieval fantasy world, while Forgotten Realms is a setting with mountains (in some cases, literally) of fallen empires, and the world is filled with ancient ruins, in addition to the current civilizations. Both of these are extremely detailed settings with thousands of pages of background lore.

Beyond that, Dragonlance, Dark Sun, Ravenloft, Planescape, Ravnica, Eberron, Spelljammer, and Urban Arcana, all come to mind as official TSR/Wizards of the Coast settings. And it's extremely likely that even players with an extensive familiarity with the ruleset missed at least one of the above names. This isn't even counting a lot of minor settings, or the fact that Planescape and Spelljammer are both multi-world settings, and the fact that a lot of these settings technically cross over. There are Spelljammer ports on Faerun (the main continent of Forgotten Realms), and races native to Planescape (in particular the Tieflings) have become a mainstay of the games, as they wander across the planes, to the point that Planescape's Tieflings and Aasimar exist in Pathfinder.

So, “The D&D world,” doesn't really say much.

With a lot of tabletop RPGs, the setting is analogous to the ruleset. When you're talking about running a Shadowrun campaign, or a Vampire: The Masquerade chronicle, those are specific worlds. The biggest ambiguity is which edition. However, when you say you're participating in a D&D campaign, that doesn't tell you much on its own.

If you're asking from a rules perspective, that's going to depend on the edition, and this is where stuff gets a little complicated.

If you're working with the idea of a D&D style dungeon, it's probably best to consider what era of game design you're looking at. There are a couple ways you can approach dungeons.

So, basic thoughts on dungeons.

Small dungeons are designed to be finished in a single session or two. You're probably looking at a few combat encounters. But, the main arc is that your characters travel to a dungeon, they do whatever they were planning to, and get out. You might have as many as four rooms, but generally these are pretty compact spaces.

Large dungeons can either be designed around the adventurers spending multiple days in the dungeon itself, or they may be traveling in and out and resting somewhere outside. (In some cases, you'll even have towns or inns set up over the dungeon. So your adventurers are all in one compact space.)

Additionally, large dungeons can be designed around the idea that the players will penetrate a few levels at a time, gradually working their way deeper over time (as they deal with other events and problems), or it can be a very long excursions, with adventures scavenging and hunting in the dungeon for days or weeks as they progress.

In the case of truly monstrous dungeons, they might even be bringing enough personnel and resources to set up various base camps and have a full supply lines running back to the outside world, as they gradually expand their control over the dungeon.

Sort of in parallel to this, it's worth thinking about what the dungeon is. The basic concept is often, as the name implies, some kind of semi-ruined castle prison. But, you'll also frequently see crypts, and caves as dungeons. Especially as small ones. At the same time, it's worth considering expanding your concept of a dungeon a bit. Ancient ruins, old fortresses, necropolises, abandoned mines, and sewers are common. (Sewers are a little unrealistic, as real ones don't tend to be massive underground pipes you can walk in.) What's less common are massive shipwrecks, overrun cities, entire islands with dangerous flora and fauna (or just pirates), fallen cities (where entire city districts collapsed during an earthquake and now exist below ground), plague ridden city districts (plagues can actually be a lot of fun, because it will let you transform familiar territories into hostile ones as the campaign progresses. Pathologic does this extraordinarily well.) In a rather famous D&D adventure (Expedition to the Barrier Peaks), one of the dungeons is a downed spacecraft. This is before we consider dungeons with impossible geometry, such as ones that leak over into another dimension (possibly as a result of magical experiments gone wrong, or ones that exist in the dreams or psyche of an individual. (For the record, I'm not a huge fan of psychic dungeons as a play experience, but they can be done well. I've simply had some bad experiences with the concept.) Shadowrun had a related concept, with cyberspace (called, “the matrix”), as a parallel space where hackers would engage in combat parallel to the events happening out in the real world. It's weird concept, but one that you might get some millage out of, and having a parallel battle on the astral plane wouldn't be that weird for D&D.

Moving beyond that, there are some semi-common dungeon settings that you don't often see in D&D, for obvious reasons, but might fit if your setting accommodates them. Abandoned research labs, abandoned industrial areas, abandoned villages or suburban areas at the edge of a city. Bonus points if the reason it's abandoned is related to why your players are wandering into it now. City districts under lockdown, usually this will either cater to a stealth focus, and might work if you have a group of thieves or something similar, (though, at that point, Blades in the Darkmight be a better RPG pick), this setting also works when the group enforcing the lockdown are acceptable targets, such as gangs or cultists, and for bonus points you can organize these setups with multiple factions and your characters may even be able to play groups against one another, all of this also works for feral cities (which also work as large area dungeons.)

With any dungeon, you probably want to consider how it fit into the world before it became a dungeon, and how long it existed as a dungeon before your players wandered in and started ripping the place apart.

So, ultimately, the question is about the spear and staff in the rules, as you're probably looking to approximate the rules to some extent. The problem is the rules have changed a bit over the years. One problem is that the default spear is not a reach weapon, meaning you can't use it to hit targets more than a space away from you. D&D splits that into the longspear, which is a reach weapon, and you can hit targets two spaces away from you, though you do need to use a 5ft step to back away from someone in an adjacent space before you can attack them. Both spears and staves are simple proficiency weapons though some editions do let you use the staff as a double weapon (meaning you can effectively treat it as dual wielding, if you have the feats.) If you do have a second attack with the staff, or you expect to be dealing with enemies that resist non-blunt damage (like skeletons) the staff starts to become a lot more attractive.

If you're using a different ruleset from standard D&D, there may be other considerations. I'm thinking of Total War's Anti-Large rules in particular, which do make spears very attractive against larger foes as they'll deal additional damage, similarly if you have some kind of homebrew piercing damage bonus against armor, that could make the spear conditionally more appealing. And, if your character is expecting to face down minotaurs or giants, then a longspear would be a much better choice with those modified rules. Though, this comes with another consideration, back in 3.5e the longspear was a simple proficiency weapon (just like the staff and spear), but was upgraded to martial proficiency in 4e, and seems to be missing in 5e (or it was replaced with the pike, which is also a martial weapon.) The longspear (and pike) do have special rules which allow them to be braced against a charging foe dealing increased damage. So, that might be worth considering for your choices. But, again, unless you're getting proficiency for the entire spear family, this might not be a practical option.

Usually, when you're arming characters for D&D, the primary consideration is going to be the overall thematic style of the character. Sometimes you do need to go out of your way to ensure a character gets the relevant proficiency (such as a rapier wielding wizard), but generally speaking, that theme is going to inform whether a character gets a spear or staff. If you've got a druid, then the spear might make more sense. If you have a wizard or sorcerer then maybe the staff is preferable (particularly if you can use it as an arcane focus.) (Though, wizards and sorcerers don't get spear proficiency in 5e, so, that's a factor.)

That said, you're not wrong, D&D has not done a good job with the spear. Part of that is because the default D&D spear is remarkably short. In 5e, the weapons are mostly interchangeable aside from the damage type, but the staff has more potential utility (specifically the ability to get staves crafted as arcane focuses, and a wider range of enchantments for staves.) Both are 1d6 with 1d8 versatile (if wielded with 2h the damage die is increased.) This is in contrast to 3.5 where the staff was 1d6, but was a double weapon, while the spear was 1d8, had the ready against charging characters action baked into the item (without the reach keyword), and had an increased crit multiplier (x3, meaning the weapon did triple damage on a crit, though it shared this with most axes), but it was a two-handed weapon.

I suppose if your character is a spellcaster, the staff is a better choice, as it gives you more options. But, when you're talking about someone who spends a lot of time out in the wilds, a spear might be a better thematic choice. If you're working within some version of 3rdedition, then the spear does look more valuable, but in 5e it is an underwhelming choice.

-Starke

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[theravenloftwanderers]

The disturbed beauty sleep of Strahd.

Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin. I find myself hilarious sometimes. While the bodypillow part isn't true in the campaign, the keeping him waiting for three days part is. Yes he did rock our shit.

[willow-boop]

Phil the arsonist

I wanted to make a silly image with her and my uptight elf paladin Taeral because I know she would drive him crazy!

I like tormenting him.

(Lovely Phil created by @theravenloftwanderers )

(Taeral by me)

[darlingmissmoth]

Hi, my name is Moth and, uh, with “encouragement” from @babacontainsmultitudes (aka: “you should do it” and I went “yeah okay”) I have decided to do… A little (not a little) rambling about the kiddads (mostly Twin Focused, but still) cause I have many thoughts and feelings, most of which I tend to keep hidden but I have a blog and I’m making that everyone’s issue.

This probably won’t be totally coherent because my thoughts like to jump from point to point erratically so I’ll try to organize to the best of my ability? But there’s a good chance I’ll be all over the place! And it’s probably going to be… Very Fucking Long as a warning lmao

Anyway, uh, stuff under the read more :)

I’ve seen a lot of wild takes about the kiddads and their actions, and the general view on Sparrow is… Very Negative, from what I’ve gathered. I’ve seen a lot more positive as of late, but I still see a lot of hate. Which I get! If you do a skim of all he’s done, it isn’t a great picture. Telling your kid you aren’t proud of them, training your kids from a young age to kill things, his anger and upset, it isn’t good.

Then, of course, there’s Lark who tends to excuse Sparrow’s actions or try to smooth them over, it appears he’s the main one who did Hero’s training, and his anger is rough as well.

Then we have Grant and Nicky, one of whom is Overbearing, the other Distant.

All in all, the kiddads are, well… Not Great Parents to put it lightly.

But I think a lot of people tend to view all their actions through the lives of their own lives or what is “rational”, totally forgetting that the circumstances around the teen’s raising, around the kiddad’s lives, are not rational.

At the age of 11, all of them got kidnapped by their grandparents! And sold into slavery! They weren’t sure if they’d see their parents again! And while most of them took it in pretty good stride, they were 11 and most likely didn’t see the inherent danger of the situations they were in until they all got spirited away to Castle Ravenloft, where they had to deal with their grandparents and, no doubt, the abuse they dealt.

Both Nicky and Lark went through Real Life Or Death Experiences (not to say the other kids didn’t, but they were the only ones we see in S1 who got anywhere near actually dying) - and of them, Lark was the only one who felt death. It may have been a fake body, but that doesn’t change the fact that he actually felt himself die.

Grant had to kill something in such a horrible and gruesome way that we actively saw the way it changed his life. He got fucked up from it! Really badly. Mans is numb and struggling to feel anything which, of course, leads to a lot of self hate and self destructive habits.

And then, after all of this, Lark was manipulated by one of their abusers to stab his father and release The Doodler, which he didn’t fully understand the consequences of because, again, he’s 11. He was A CHILD.

Now he’s saddled with the knowledge he ended the world. He doomed his family, his friends, all because of an impulsive decision that he was manipulated into doing, yet he isn’t aware it was manipulation. He thinks it was just… Him. He chose to do it.

And now he, and all his friends, are wandering around trying to figure out how to stop this World Ending Creature that used to live in his family’s blood and it all seems terribly hopeless. But they keep trying. Because what else can you do? What is your other option? And he’s given a prophecy that says that his (or his twin’s) first born is the Only Thing that can stop said World Ending Creature. At the age of, like, 15.

Sparrow, who feels just as guilty for it, takes this onto his shoulders because he probably doesn’t want that tacked onto his brother’s conscious as well. Raising a kid just to be a tool because it’s either that or they continue to let this creature that he and his twin unleashed.

What were their other options? What other choices did they have? Let the world - the worlds - continue to die? They had to do something, and the only thing that would have worked - apparently - is to have this kid.

Meanwhile, Grant gets a kid and they’re in the fucking apocalypse, so of course he’s going to shelter his kid. He remembers what happened to him when he was put under extreme stress and in a life or death situation and he doesn’t want that for his baby. He loves Lincoln so much, loves his husband so much. Was it right to totally isolate him? No! Probably not! But he was terrified of the world, and he had every right to be.

A lot of people judge the kiddads under the lenses of our current world, but they need to remember that isn’t the setting. That isn’t their world. Maybe when they were children, but not now. Not when we see the teens.

Their world is a dying one, it’s scary, it’s dangerous. They did the best with the trauma they were saddled with, in a world that they were the cause of and could die in every single day. Do you think you could do better? Truly?

They did the best in the situations they were in, and for Grant, maybe he shouldn’t have had a kid. But he did! His husband wanted one and they were given one and they were small and innocent and sweet and Grant was smitten instantly. And people seem to forget he was a good dad! Lincoln turned out good! He’s smart and kind and gentle. He loved his dads so fucking much and didn’t realize anything was wrong until he was shoved into a position he shouldn’t have been in.

Grant raised him well. He raised him with love and adoration and did his best.

Sparrow and Lark did, too. They love their kids! No one can deny that! Sparrow and Lark love their kids. But it’s a dangerous world, and they knew at least one of their kids is the only hope humanity has. They had to make sure she could defend herself, she could take it down when the time came.

People also point at the homecoming scene for Sparrow and Lark and I agree that it wasn’t good. They fucked up. But it’s also made so, so clear that Sparrow loves Normal deeply. He adores his son. But it’s also canon that Normal reminds Sparrow of his younger self, who Sparrow is not proud of, and he desperately wanted better for his son. And Normal, had Sparrow and Lark not manifested, would have never known his dad wasn’t proud of him.

Which means Sparrow never let that show! Sometimes parents aren’t proud of their kid’s decisions, that’s just the long and short of it. And that should be okay. It should be okay to not agree with something your child does. But the important thing is that you don’t show it. And Sparrow NEVER DID. He NEVER ONCE showed Normal that he wasn’t proud. He showed love first and foremost always.

Which is why it came as a shock when he revealed otherwise. So he was doing good! He was a good parent!

Did they fumble? Yes. I’m not saying that any of them are totally blameless. They messed up a lot. They should have made better decisions. But they were also horribly traumatized, lost their innocence of childhood at the age of 11, and had to grow up in a doomed world with guilt on their shoulders and the fate of the world in their hands.

All of this to say that they are complex. They are human. At the core of this sillyfunny podcast, that is something that remains consistent. These aren’t characters on a traditional Hero’s Journey. They are regular people thrust into impossible situations that have to figure out how to cope with it on their feet. They’re flawed, they make bad decisions, and that is the point. They aren’t meant to be perfect or always know what to do. All of them are shades of gray. None of them are truly evil or truly good because no person is.

They’ll fuck up. They’ll make bad decisions spurred on by guilty consciouses or emotions. Some decisions won’t be rational because humans aren’t. We are made up of emotion and memory and personal values, and we make our decisions based around those things.

They aren’t perfect. They aren’t meant to be. They are complex and they are beautiful for that.

I’m sure there’s more I could say, but this is long enough as is, uh. If you want to hear more I guess either dm me or shoot me an ask about specific characters idk

Thanks for reading

[darklordazalin]

Azalin Reviews: 'Darklord' Vlad Drakov

Domain: Falkovnia Domain Formation: 690 BC Power Level: ⚫⚫⚫⚫⚫ 0/5 Skulls Sources: Domains of Dread (23); Domains and Denizens (2e), Ravenloft Gazetteer II (3e); Secrets of the Dread Realms (3e)

Ah, Vlad Drakov, the impaling loving little hireling Darklord of Falkovnia. Falkovnia is a land of rolling lowlands, fertile fields, and lush forests...All these resources are the only reason any other Domain in the Core puts up with this miserable failure, never-was conqueror.

Though the story changes slightly from pre and post Grand Conjunction days, Vlad was originally from the Kingdom of Thenol in the realm of Talades. Not Oerth, so clearly unimportant. Vlad and his little band of ruffians, who called themselves the Talons of the Hawk, were mercenaries. Vlad being the “Hawk” and the rest of his band of brutality being the “Talons”. Vlad doesn’t have a lot going for him, but he managed to scrape up enough charm to convince these Talons of his to do whatever he asked of them, which mostly amounted to them brutally slaughtering people for coin and Vlad impaling captives and watching them slowly die while he took on his evening meal.

Eventually, these hirelings wandered into the Mists and found themselves in the southlands of Darkon. Believing he discovered a new land, Vlad set about slaughtering my people. This did not work out the way he thought it would as his murders only gave me more weapons to work with. I sent the newly fallen and many of the old against him and his men. They fled, like the cowards they are, into the Mists.

Our ever present Tormentors thought it fit to gift Vlad with the Domain of Falkovnia then. Oh there’s some nonsensical “history” about Vlad overthrowing a “wizard king” known as the “Falcon the Great” before he settled in Castle Draccipetri and became the leader of the realm, but I place little validity on that story. Vlad couldn’t overthrow an army of ants let alone a powerful wizard king. Castle Draccipetri stands in the middle of an island on the Lukar River, a single, narrow bridge the only entryway, making it easy to defend, which matters little as no one would bother to send forces against him in the first place. The victory would be too easy.

The hireling was always looked down upon by the mighty lords and leaders that needed his brutality to win their wars and he desired nothing more than to be their equal and earn their respect. He was granted a position of rulership by our Tormentors, but the rulers of the other Domains will never respect him if they even notice him. He is akin to a fly; annoying yet easily swatted away.

Vlad tries to conquer the Domains that surround his, yet fails at every attempt. He has his heart set on Darkon, my Domain being vastly superior and richer than his own. I have lost track of the number of times the little hawk as attemppted to graps my lands in his talons, only to be swatted away by a horde of zombies. These failed attempts are barely worth the effort of a moment's work it takes for me to utterly destroy his forces. But some men do not recognize the futility of their own actions. Vlad also fails to understand where he is and why he is haunted by unsuccessful campaigns...well, besides the fact that he is always overreaching.  King of the Dead here, stop sending your soldiers into my Domain and adding to my side of an utterly pointless fight.

Failing conquest and gaining the respect of his fellow lords, Darkov has little pleasure in life except impaling his victims and watching them slowly die. He also is quite fond of “hawking” and treats his hawks better than any of his mortal companions. He takes out his frustration on his people with oppressive and extensive laws, making life in Falkovnia about as meaningless and futile as Darkov’s campaigns against Darkon.

Vlad is a fearsome warrior, but given his curse is to never know victory or respect, I will award him zero skulls. Good day sir!

[mx-lamour]

18 - Velvet

There were many things about their undeath and imprisonment that the devil Strahd and ghoulish Captain Gwilym despised and utterly lamented. They even quarreled with each other, sometimes separating themselves for months or years, during which time each would face new hardships and pitfalls on their own, Alek pacing the whole of their shrunken world while Strahd wore down the familiar castle halls. Their vindictive departures only made them both more restless in the end.

It was early dusk when Alek slipped back into Castle Ravenloft, evading its traps by rote. He took stock of the still-waning sun and ducked down into the catacombs.

He was not quite sure why Strahd insisted on sleeping inside a coffin. It would seal him away from any errant sunlight, of course, but he hardly needed the extra protection this far below the fortress. He could just as easily board the windows, draw the curtains, and sleep in his own bed. It would certainly be more comfortable.

Not that the coffin had any shortage of luxuries, as far as Strahd was concerned. It was a fine nearly-black walnut, with narrative carvings set into its sides. The interior was roomy enough for some movement, since an animate being inhabited the box, not merely a corpse, and it was upholstered throughout with the soft pile of crushed red velvet. Alek spoke a word of power, which Strahd had taught him for this purpose, and lifted the lid without consequence.

Strahd lay on his back, head resting on a small velvet pillow, hands folded over his stomach. He was not a perfect noble image of the resting dead; his lips were parted, brow slightly creased, and his chin was tucked too far down toward his neck. If he were still a living man, he would almost certainly be snoring. Alek touched Strahd's chest. The line on Strahd's forehead deepened. He drew in a miniscule breath, just to speak, but all that became of it was a soft grunt muffled deep within his throat. It was early yet. Strahd's limbs were as lead.

His tired groan grew stronger when he was forced to shift, pressing his shoulder back against the bottom of the box for leverage and bending up his knee. Alek climbed in, wedging himself along Strahd's side.

“Good evening,” Alek whispered.

Strahd pursed his lips and swallowed thickly. His throat was dry. He tried to clear it. “Make yourself at home,” he mumbled roughly.

“Don't mind if I do.” Alek kissed the corner of his mouth.

Strahd cracked one dark eye open blearily. “Have I been forgiven, then?”

Alek rubbed his fingers absently along Strahd's collar bone. “You don't need my forgiveness.”

Strahd's frown deepened. He raised a hand to rub his other eye, now that his arms were barely light enough to operate. He settled the hand over Alek's wandering fingers, and fully gazed upon his face. “I suppose not,” he murmured. “What possessed you to return?”

“You did,” Alek said. “I could never leave your side for long.”

“I feel each minute pass when you’re away.”

Alek chuckled softly. “That's a bald-faced lie.”

Strahd's lips curled into a small half-smile. “Not always.”

He shifted again, rolling further on his side to slide his hand up along Alek’s arm, curving it around the other man’s bicep and over, to splay his fingers out on Alek’s back. Strahd pulled him close, angling deep into a languid kiss. Alek held him, too, stroking down his chest to snake his arm behind Strahd’s shoulder blade, grasping the nape of his neck beneath the smooth black hair which carded through his fingers. The soft sounds of their reunion echoed lightly among the crypts.

“I brought you something,” Alek murmured in the space between their parted lips.

“Do tell,” Strahd said before he closed the gap once more.

Alek grinned. The taut pull of his mouth was more difficult to properly kiss, but Strahd continued to try, until they both were laughing quietly. “I will show it to you, if you’ll release me for a moment.” He kissed the space between Strahd’s stubborn brows. “I have it here.”

Strahd obliged by loosening his hold. Alek propped himself up, craning over the edge of the coffin to reach for the backpack he had dropped beside it. He produced a book, and handed it to Strahd. “It’s not a spellbook,” Alek explained, “but it looks old. I’m not sure I recognize the language.”

Strahd took the book and settled back to examine it. Alek curled around Strahd’s shoulder to look with him, draping his arm across Strahd’s chest. Strahd used the crook of Alek’s elbow to stand the book upright. He muttered a short phrase and traced over the embossed title in the faded cover with his fingers. Enduring One Who Grows seemed to be the translation, though the two foreign words upon it were of slightly different ilk. Perhaps a name, then, not a title. The frontmost pages, with their table of contents in tight brown lettering on yellowed pages, described the tome’s contents, presumably written by this Enduring soul whose name adorned the cover.

Strahd glanced sidelong at Alek. “You’ve brought me poetry,” he teased.

Alek’s eyebrows rose. Of course he had—why not? “Read one,” he suggested.

Strahd opened up an arbitrary page. In a low voice reminiscent of their velvet surroundings, he read:

'Poor wounded soul, could he have grasped before,' my sage replied, 'what now he sees is true, and blindly trusted in poetic lore

Strahd frowned, but continued on:

then he need not have so insulted you. But as there was no other way to learn I urged him to a test that grieved me too. Tell us who you were, that he, in turn, can set your honor freshly back in style among those he will teach when he returns.' The trunk: 'Your speech, by raising hope that I'll regain repute, makes words arise in me. I mean to talk, if you will stay a while: I was the one entrusted with the keys to Federigo's mind, and it was sweet to share his thought and guard his strategy for noble ventures secret in my keep — so faithfully I filled this glorious post, I gladly sacrificed my health and sleep...'

Alek bent his arm clumsily to steal the book away again. He angled it to better glance at the page, himself, but still could not understand the native words without the aid of Strahd’s comprehension spell. He gave it back.

Strahd thumbed the edges to find a different page. He read:

Two ladies to the summit of my mind Have clomb, to hold an argument of love. The one has wisdom with her from above, For every noblest virtue well designed: The other, beauty's tempting power refined And the high charm of perfect grace approve: And I, as my sweet Master's will doth move, At feet of both their favors am reclined. Beauty and Duty in my soul keep strife, At question if the heart such course can take And 'twixt the two ladies hold its love complete. The fount of gentle speech yields answer meet, That Beauty may be loved for gladness sake, And Duty in the lofty ends of life

“Not exactly what I expected,” Alek admitted.

“Yet, the poet endures,” Strahd replied wistfully. He closed the book and let it rest upon his chest.

Alek brushed his nose along the side of Strahd’s neck. “Sometimes I regret handing you literature. We might not be in this mess.”

“This mess?” Strahd eched, caressing the long fingers toying with the ends of his hair. He brought Alek’s knuckles to his lips.

Alek grasped Strahd’s jaw and turned his face to better kiss the dour line of his mouth. “No, not this one,” he conceded. “Not always.” He brushed his thumb across Strahd’s chin.

“I welcome your return, with or without any book,” Strahd said quietly. “How long will you stay?”

“I never go far,” Alek murmured. “I suspect you know that. You watch me, don’t you?”

“Sometimes,” Strahd admitted.

“When you miss me.”

“Yes,” was the answering whisper.

Alek hummed in acknowledgement. “Now that I am here, allow me to distract you for a night. Whatever other chaos you have brewing can wait.”

“I need to feed,” Strahd objected. “I thirst. If I could drink only from your fount, I would. I cannot.”

“Flatterer. Do you have anything in stock?”

“No.”

Alek snickered. “You’ve been moping.” Again, he kissed Strahd’s petulant frown. Tossed the foreign book of poetry gently to the floor, and positioned himself to lay bodily on top of Strahd. “You must know it’s your own doing,” Alek told him. “Now you’re trapped, and you have only my body for sustenance. Maybe you’ll starve, but I think you’ll enjoy it. You saw me coming. You watched me walk home to you. You’ve been waiting for this.”

“Yes,” Strahd breathed, though he hated to admit it. It didn’t matter. If anyone knew, it would be Alek. Alek would leave, but every time, he would choose Strahd again. When he turned around and wandered back, it hollowed something jagged in Strahd’s chest, begging to be filled by nothing but the fair man’s footsteps over Ravenloft’s threshold.

Strahd hugged Alek’s body to himself, dragging up his shirt to rove his hands beneath it. Alek’s skin was cool to the touch, like Strahd’s own, like everything, but his back was familiar and strong, his weight a tether tying low Strahd’s errant mind. He was showered with the most attentive kisses, moaning plaintively when Alek nipped his throat.

The love they made was slow and deep, rejoined again at last within their little deaths, wound together in a velvet coffin of their own design.

* * * First Poem: excerpt from "The Thorn Forest" Second poem: "Of Beauty and Duty" both by Dante Alighieri [Ao3 Collection] [prompt list by @syrips]