#the real housewives of westeros

[hollowwhisperings]

The Real Housewives of Westeros: Wives & Widows Frey

I saw the Joke and Ran With It. Most of these women exist as Names Only, few having much in the way of Personal Biography. I have "Made Do", when plausible, by connecting them to Each Other &/or to Better Known Characters. As their ages are generally Not Given (or are of Ridiculous Range), feel free to HC them as the Reality TV Stars of Your Choosing: my knowledge of such shows ends with their having Fun Titles & Dubious Authenticity.

CW: spoilers on canoical character deaths (TWoW excerpts included), reference to the Red Wedding ("RW"), implications of infidelity (& thus in-setting slutshaming), mentions of canonical cousin-incest (& occasional debunkings thereof), casual speculation on Theories of Varying Degrees of Crackiness (largely shoved into As Yet Unposted "Footnote" Posts but I may have Missed Some).

The (As Yet Unwidowed) Housewives of House Frey

• Lady Joyeuce Erenford of the Crossing, b. 282/283 AC (17). The 8th & current wife of Lord Walder Frey (92). Pregnant, allegedly by "Black" Walder (a great-grandson of her husband). Expectant Widow.

• Janyce Hunter, wife of Edwyn Frey (Heir Apparent of Lord Walder Frey). Mother of Walda (9~10, 2nd in line to inherit The Twins). Expectant Widow & Prospective Bride of "Black" Walder Frey (...assuming he doesn't claim his Nieces as his bastards, delegitimizing them all). Of unknown relation to the current Lord Hunter of Longbow Hall (while a Rosby-Frey does serve as that Castle's Maester, Janyce married into the Royce-Freys).

• Deana Hardyng, wife of Walton Frey (a character in Name-Only). Mother of Steffon "the Sweet" (20~40), "Fair" Walda (19/20) & Bryan (9~19, a squire). Of unknown relation to Ser Harrold Hardyng, likely an aunt or cousin.

• Lady Genna Lannister of Riverrun (55), wife of Lord Emmon Frey (RW participant). Only sister of the late Lord Tywin Lannister & a maternal figure to his 3 children. Mother of Ser Cleos (killed pre-RW), Ser Lyonel (27~32, likely RW participant), Tion (murdered pre-RW) & "Red" Walder (15, a page at Casterly Rock). Goodsister of Perriane Frey. Expectant Widow (by her own husband, no less!).

• Melesa Crakehall, wife of Ser Lyonel Frey (likely participant in the RW). Without issue. Her husband is 3rd in line to inherit Riverrun & 15th in line to inherit The Twins. Goodsister of Jeyne Darry. Of unknown relation to Shiera Crakehall (wife of Ser Damion Lannister, the current castellan of Casterly Rock), Lord Roland of Crakehall (for whom both Merrett Frey & Ser Jaime Lannister squired in their Begrudgingly Shared Childhood) or the late Lady Amarei Crakehall (3rd wife of Lord Frey). Her husband is of the Royce-Freys (the line of Lord Walder by his 1st wife, Perra Royce), Just In Case you were Worried.

• Ryella Royce, wife of Ser Arwood Frey (a Schrodinger's RW participant). Mother of Ryella (6), twins Androw & Alyn (4) & Hostella (~1). Probably a daughter of Lord Yohn Royce & thusly the "Goodsister" of Ser Mychel Redfort. Of unknown relation to the late Perra Royce and her line of Royce-Freys. Her husband is of the Crakehall-Freys, just in case you were Worried.

• Lady Lythene Frey, wife of Lord Lucias Vypren (RW participant). Mother of Elyana (19~37) & Ser Damon (18~36). Goodsister of Bellena Hawick, Betharios of Braavos, Wynafrei Whent, Lady Mariya Darry, Carolei Waynwood & Beony Beesbury. Likely RW Conspirator.

• Elyana Vypren (19~37), wife of Ser Jon Wylde (probable RW participant). Mother of Rickard (5).

• Betharios of Braavos, wife of Symond Frey (RW participant). Mother of Alesander the Singer (19~27), Alyx (18) & Bradamer (11, ward of a Braavosi merchant). Possible spymaster. Both her husband & eldest child have Disappeared: her son from the RW, alongside Olyvar & Ser Perwyn; her husband was last seen leaving White Harbour for Barrowton on a gifted palfrey*. As ever, I have Theories (noted far below, in Footnotes): notably, to me, none of her children are named for Lord Walder (a good guide on Which Freys have Ambitions, generally speaking).

• Wynafrei Whent, wife of Ser Danwell Frey (RW participant). Without issue, to the distress of them both. Of unknown relation to the Late Ladies: Sarya (5th wife of Lord Frey, one of Danwell's step-mothers), Shella (last Lady of Harrenhal), or Minisa Whent (mother of Catelyn, Lysa & Edmure Tully). She & her husband are guests at Castle Darry.

• Lady Walda Frey of the Dreadfort, b. 283/284 AC (16). Wife of Lord Roose Bolton (key engineer of the RW & Murderer of King Robb). Pregnant & Rightfully Terrified: the latest Victim in the Winterfell Murder Mysteries was her brother, "Little" Walder Frey (9), & she's been living with Ramsay Bolton. The Safety of the pregnant Lady Bolton is Motive for the Darry-Freys to "Turncloak" on their kin or, at least, Houses Bolton & Lannister. A Certain Northern Spymaster (recent escapee of the Boltons of Winterfell), may prove "Helpful" in this regard... assuming Littlefinger or an Envoy of "Aegon Targaryen" don't beat him to it.

• Beony Beesbury, wife of Ser Raymund Frey (murderer of Lady Catelyn Tully of Winterfell). Mother of Robert (17, an acolyte of the Citadel), Malwyn (16, an apprentice alchemist in Lys), the twins Serra & Sarra (15), Cersei "Little Bee" (7), & the twins Jaime & Tywin (<1). Her having "twin" sets of twins whilst living at "The Twins" likely aided in Inspiring the Ambitions of her husband & (presumably) herself. Of unknown relation to the late Jeyne Beesbury (wife of Rhaegar Frey of the Royce-Freys) or Lord Warryn Beesbury of Honeyholt.

• Leonella Lefford, wife of "Lame" Lothar Frey (key engineer of the RW). Mother of Tysane (8), Walda (5), Emberlei (3) & Leana (~1). Of unknown relation to Lady Alysanne Lefford of Golden Tooth. Goodsister of Sallei & Sylwa Paege, of Morya & Tyta "the Maid" Frey. Her involvement in her husband's [war crimes] is Unspecified but she does have a daughter named "Walda".

• Sallei Paege, wife of Ser Jammos Frey (RW participant). Mother of "Big" Walder (9) & the twins Dickon & Mathis (6). Likely a sister of Sylwa Paege (entry below Sallei's though I suspect Sylwa is the elder of the two). Of unknown relation to Ser Halmon (last known Head of House Paege) or Ser Robert (friend of Edmure Tully) Paege.

• Sylwa Paege, wife of Ser Whalen Frey (RW participant). Mother of Hoster (13) & "Merry" Frey (12). Likely a sister of Sallei.

• Morya Frey, wife of Ser Flement Brax (RW participant). Mother of Robert (10), Walder (7) & Jon (4).

• Roslin Frey (18), wife of Edmure Tully. Traumatised Bride of The RW. Currently a Pregnant Hostage of the Lannister-Freys of Riverrun. Goodsister of the late Ladies Stark & Arryn. Part of the Conditions for Ser Jaime's success in lifting the Siege of Riverrun was the Safe Reunion of Edmure & Roslin... as hostages in Casterly Rock (after she gives birth). Known to pray for a girl (lest a son get Immediately Murdered).

• The Schrodinger's Mother of Walder Haigh, presumably the living wife of Ser Harys Haigh (RW participant). "Exists" due to Walder (5) being of Legitimate birth; does not Exist due to her lacking any indication whatsoever of being Alive (or Dead).

The (Current) Widows Frey

• Mylenda Caron, b. 258~266 AC (34~42). Widow of Petyr Frey (RW participant). Mother of Perra Frey (6), 4th in line to inherit The Twins. Prospective bride of "Black" Walder, assuming he doesn't wed her Goodsister, delegitimize both their children (& their mothers with them) or, y'know, just Kills Them All (a fear of Edwyn Frey's). Potential claimant to Nightsong, where a Ser Rolland Storm is Lord (by the decree of King Stannis, due to the deaths of his Lord Father & legitimate half-brother) though their exact relation is unknown.

• Jeyne Darry, widow of Ser Cleos Frey (killed prior to the RW). Mother of "Ty" (12, heir of Riverrun), & Willem (10, a page at Ashemark). Goodsister of Melessa Crakehall (wife of Ser Lyonel of the Royce-Freys) & the Crakehall-Freys (children of Lord Walder by the late Amarei Crakehall, her relation to Melessa being unknown) through her elder sister, Lady Mariya Darry. Resents being "displaced" in the inheritance of Castle Darry (despite her rather comfortable position as the Future Regent of Riverrun).

• Perriane Frey (50's), widow of Ser Leslyn Haigh (RW participant). Eldest daughter of Lord Walder (by the late Perra Royce). Mother of Ser Harys (17~49), Ser Donnel (16~48) & Alyn (9~47, a squire). At least 2 of her sons participated in the RW. 22nd in line for The Twins. The relation of Lord Yohn Royce to the late Perra Royce (& thus the Royce-Freys) is unspecified.

• Zhoe Blanetree, widow of Ser Tytos Frey (killed outside the RW). Mother of Zia (15) & Zachery (13, student at the Sept of Oldtown). Goodsister of Kyra Frey.

• Kyra Frey (30-40's), widow of Ser Garse Goodbrook (RW participant). Daughter of Ser Jared Frey by his cousin, the late Alys Frey. Mother of Walder (10) & Jeyne (7).

• Bellena Hawick, widow of Ser Hosteen Frey (RW participant, killed in TWoW?). Mother of Ser Arwood (18~40). Goodsister of the Crakehall-Freys. Probable guest at Castle Darry.

• Lady Mariya Darry. Widow of Merrett Frey (RW participant). Mother of "Gatehouse" Ami (18), "Fat" Walda (17), Marissa (15) & the late "Little" Walder Frey (9). She & her children are Directly Responsible for my gaining An Interest in the Intrigues of the Frey Civil War.

• Lady Amerei Frey of Castle Darry (18). Eldest daughter of Lady Mariya Darry by the late Merrett Frey (RW participant). Twice-married & newly single, whomever wins Ami's Hand in Matrimony shall have Lordship (of Castle Darry). Her Loyalties & Tracts of Land are Actually Rather Important**, plot-wise.

• Carolei Waynwood, widow of Ser Geremy Frey ("drowned"). Mother of Sandor (14, a squire) & Cynthea (9, a ward at Iron Oaks). Probably a daughter of Lady Anya Waynwood, given her children's places within Lady Waynwood's Household. Both children are in attendance for the upcoming Tourney of the Winged Brotherhood at the Gates of the Moon (held for Lord Robert Arryn by the suggestion of "Alayne Stone"). If she yet lives, Carolei is likely sheltering with her Goodsisters at Castle Darry.

• Jyana Frey, widow of her cousin Ser Benfrey Frey (RW participant). Mother of "Deaf" Della (4) & Osmund (3). Goodsister of Roslin Frey.

Footnotes (links to Elaborated Tinhattery)

*Betharios of Norvos & Frey Pies: "They Were Ahorse". [Post upcoming].

**"Gatehouse Ami" & the Gate Next Door: How Wooing Darry Could Win Conquest of Westeros. [Post upcoming].

[beryndraws]

Someone shared your work with the asoiaf discord I’m in, and it’s absolutely amazing. I love the pieces you’ve made on the Real Housewives of King’s Landing! (I admit, the “Real eyes realize real lies” is my absolute favorite though!)

Do you have any scenarios with these three that make you laugh? Honestly, it’s kind of a miracle another Aemond, Jace, and Luc situation didn’t occur with Joffrey running around KL

Thank you so much! I’m honored to have made it to your discord haha! I haven’t had a chance to read F&B yet so I can’t comment on that but I definitely have a couple more pre-series KL ideas!

[queer-fag]

listen I loved game of thrones but having women directors and a non-binary lead is already better ingredients than the first show like the dynamics, the villains, the in medias res of it all, the lack of cheap tv porn like it’s all so much better

[fan-goddess]

Hey. I have a request for October.

Modern Aemond. Your husband Aemond does not understand your crush on the new dragon rider on your favorite Show. So. One night he decides to role play your favorite character on your favorite show and sees where the night takes the two of you. The possibilities are endless.

Authors Note: Oooh I like this! Obviously the shows gonna be made up, but not gonna make reader call him the show guys name, as it’d just get confusing for everyone. My keyboard included. Still, i hope you enjoy this and thank you for the request!

Warnings: P in V sex, role play of princess and a protector, reader calls themself a woman, teasing, brat taming, name calling, praising, degrading, fluff (If i've missed any then let me know!)

Taglist: @sofiyathecunt, @marvelgirl123, @sylasthegrim, @mochi-rose, @valeskafics, @humanpurposes, @watercolorskyy, @blue-serendipity, @omgbrcat

You’d only watched twenty minutes of the newest show on Netflix that Baela had recommended to you before you became a woman possessed.

At first, you thought you wouldn’t be that interested in it, given it wasn’t your usual type of programme, which thanks to your husband Aemond, consisted solely of trashy day time tv such as real housewives of Westeros. Yet even you had to admit that after taking one look at one of the main characters, you were obsessed.

“Baela, why didn’t you tell me the main guy was so fucking hot!?” You’d called her soon as the first episode had been finished to rave about the guy. Though as you were talking raving about him, Aemond began to walk through the door with you being none the wiser while you were still on the phone.

“I never thought I’d find him so hot! Though I must say I wouldn’t mind riding him with that dragon between his legs!” You giggle, oblivious to your husband standing behind you with a raised brow and an amused smile painted on his face.

“Would you now?” Aemond says as he creeps up behind you, causing you to practically shriek in surprise and nearly throw your phone at him in a sort of self defence.

“Seven hells Aemond you scared me half to death!” You glare, the phone in your hand still on the call to Baela, who you can hear begin to laugh loudly after hearing your surprised shriek and angry words.

“Nevermind that! Whose this super hot guy you wouldn’t mind riding the dragon of then?” He grins, leaning over the sofa to look at the character paused on screen.

“Well, his names Malakai, and he’s the rider of the fiercest dragon in the world!”

“He looks like a twat.” He bluntly states, grinning slightly in amusement when you gasp at his words and begin to valiantly say praise to the character in defence. You still shout at him when he walks away to make himself a coffee, and continue to say supportive things about the character when he’s walking in with the coffee for himself, and a tea he made for you just how you like it.

“Seven hells love you’ve barely started episode two!” He groans as he sets the drinks down and gets a better look at the paused show name displayed on the screen.

“And?! I love him either way!” You insist, smiling over your own dramatics whilst you sip at your drink with a content sigh.

“Oh yeah? Do you love him more than me my love?”

“Oh I dunno…. possibly? He does ride the largest dragon in the world?” You smile, blinking your eyes in innocence. Yet that charming smile diminishes when you see his furrowed brows and annoyed eyes. “Aemond?” You call to him. Yet he ignores you and walks to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

You come in the door ten minutes later after allowing him to calm down to apologise to him, and yet those ten minutes was all Aemond needed to order a duplicate of this Malakai fuckers costume, largest dragon in the world not needed.

The large picture of the company's logo, showing where Aemond ordered the costume from, lies there clear as day on the side of the box. And does little to stifle your curiosity when Aemond has to quickly snatch the package from your eager hands before you begin to rip it open there and then.

“What is it?! You rarely order stuff online and I don’t recognise the name of the brand! Come on tell me pleeeease!” You beg, running up to his retreating form and wrapping your arms around his waist in an attempt to make him stop. Only it does nothing as he continues to walk towards the kitchen countertop.

“You’ll find out tomorrow love, how about that? Do you think you can be a good girl and not search up the company while you’re at it? I’ll be sure to give you a big reward if you’re good…” Aemond smiles as he chucks the package on it and intertwining his large hands with yours, loving the way he can practically hear your breath hitching at his not so subtle suggestive tone.

He turns around, and kisses you deeply. His fingers curling in the length of your hair to keep you close, before suddenly pulling away and chuckling at your pouty expression.

“Later love… tomorrow even. After work, I’m gonna surprise you. And hopefully you’ll love it…” Aemond grins, giving you a peck on the lips as some kind of replacement, that he already knows is not an equal exchange.

Still, that next afternoon like Aemond said, he’d set up everything he needed for it to be perfect.

The costume itself looks identical to the picture, even if it was slightly snug in certain places...

Still it didn’t matter. As Aemonds own self doubts held the reigns the minute he heard the familiar sound of your keys opening the door, following by your typical shout of a greeting you did soon as you got in and took your shoes off at the.

Only when Aemond didn’t respond with his own little greeting, you came looking. Which is when you found him laying there on the bed, fully decked in an exact replica of Malakais costume. Hair even straightened and tied up to give it that extra effect.

And he gets that exact reaction he was hoping for, as a small gasp of surprise you can't stop leaves him with many unholy thoughts.

“Princess, what are you doing alone? As the rider of the largest dragon of the world, it is my duty and honour to protect you against people who wish to harm you…” Aemond purrs, getting up from the bed to walk over and place a delicate hand on your cheek, in which you seem to instinctively nuzzle into.

“Yes my lord I apologise… it’s just, I wish to see my people. Is that so wrong my lord Aemond?” Your eyes flutter in innocence, and it takes everything within him to not grab you, bend you over the nearest surface and take what is his. But he knows he must play the game to reap the reward. You...

“Yes princess there is! There are dangerous people who lurk around any corner and wish to harm you! I cannot allow you to be so relentlessly reckless!” The frustrated role he plays is perfect, but to his shared annoyance and delight, so is your actions at playing the bratty princess.

“I don’t need you to protect me Aemond! I am a trained princess of the fucking realm! Not some helpless peasant-“ His hand works before he can think, as it moves to roughly take hold of your chin, effectively stopping you from speaking, but allowing a small gasp of surprise to be released.

The best part is, Aemond doesn’t even know if it was intentional or just out of genuine surprise of the movement.

“A good princess doesn’t swear at her protecter. She’s grateful for them risking their lives for her. Don’t you agree, princess?”

You nod your head, and yet that isn’t enough. As his grip tightens and his lips curl into a snarl. “You fucking answer your protector when he asks you a question princess!”

“Yes I understand Aemond!” Your voice is breathless, and it leaves a cruel stain of a smile on his face as he makes a look of realisation.

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you princess? Me manhandling you all roughly… say it!” His grip on your jaw tightens only by a fraction, and yet it’s enough to allow another pretty audible whimper to leave your lips.

“Yes Aemond! I’m enjoying the feeling of you treating me like this!”

“I bet you’re fucking soaked through those small clothes of yours… your pretty little cunt just aching to be filled by a cock like mine huh? Tell me princess, are you a maiden?”

You nod your head, but as Aemonds face turns thundering for a moment you remember your place, and the words come gushing out with no real sense of placing. “No Aemond I’m not a maiden! But i-I don’t wish for you at all I swear it!”

“Oh really? Is that so? Well, it looks like I’m protecting a whorish princess it seems… I bet you’re lying though. I bet, that if i was to get on my knees before you and peel back your smallclothes, they’d be fucking drenched in your sweet delicious juices… would you like me to check for you princess? I am your servant by technicality, and I live to serve you fully…”

Disagreements leave your lips quickly in regards to his statement, and yet that doesn’t stop Aemond from picking up suddenly and dropping you carefully on the edge of the bed, before he gets himself on his knees before you, placing rough callous hands on your upper tights to stop you from squirming away from his hold.

“Fucking beautiful….” Aemond groans, moving to undo the belt holding your work trousers and pull them down with only one hand. An act you can’t help but find arousing as anything as you gasp lightly at the savagery of it all.

Yet you don’t have time to react fully though, as his lips and tongue attach themselves to your sodden lower half, the half growls and groans Aemond lets out as he tastes you only driving your further and further down the path of insanity.

“Oh gods Aemond, so good!” You whine, your hands weaving themselves in his hair to tug and dig your nails in his scalp. The feeling only heightening his pleasure

His lips and tongue double in the efforts for you, and he’s rewarded dutifully when he feels you cum hard on his tongue.

The taste of you covers his tongue fully and he can't help but groan at the taste. Yet Aemonds appetite isn’t yet fully satisfied, as his cock still aches and pulses in his trousers. His hands eagerly work at the frustrating belts on his costume to allow himself to be fully nude with you. The rumpled clothes falling somewhere in the room whilst your own eyes now roam over his form just as brazenly as he had looked at yours.

He swiftly enters you, the both of you hissing lightly at the intense feeling. Yet it takes no time for Aemond to thrust at a harsh pace. His hands gripping your thighs while he moves your legs to your chest, your legs pressing against his chest as he has you in a into a mating position where all your feeling are heightened and your whole body feels like it’s aflame.

His eye watches your body eagerly as he sees your breasts begin to bounce with the harshness of how he was thrusting into you. Though the patch he wears digs into his skin slightly, so with renewed vigour, as he continues to thrust into you he uses one hand to keep you steady whilst the other haphazardly undoes the patches clasp and flings it somewhere in the room.

And when you look in his eyes, both his working and fake one, he can clearly see the admiration and love in them shining through. Even when he's fucking you within an inch of your life...

You however don’t even know what it is your moaning anymore. All you know is that you’re loud, and Aemonds own groans growls and dirty words match yours in some kind of kinky symphony.

“Doing such a good job princess…. Doing so fucking well for me…” and when you manage to moan out how you were gonna cum soon for him, Aemond eagerly tries to push himself deeper inside of you. His grip on your legs tightening to an almost bruising feeling as he feels your walls begin to spasm around his cock harshly. The feeling alone drawing out that electric feeling that starts roughly tingling down the length of his spine.

“That’s it princess fucking moan for me just like that!” He groans, his thrusts losing rhythm as he allows himself to get lost in the feeling of your walls pulsing around him whilst he ruts with only the feeling of completetion flowing through his veins. A long drawn out groan releasing deep from his chest as he allows himself to cum as deep as he can inside of you, not pulling out till his orgasm stops.

Still, as Aemond collapses to your side, it’s like clockwork when he opens his arms slightly to allow you to cuddle into his side, nuzzling into the curve of his neck with a dazed smile.

“You were so good for me princess…” He grins, kissing the crown of your head affectionately whilst you preen at the praise.

“I should be saying that to you baby! I wanna ask though… what brought on that whole thing huh?” Your head tilts up slightly to look at him in the eye, and yet he can’t help but admire how soft you look in that moment.

The sun is setting currently, and where you lay on his chest, it shines perfectly through the window to create an almost halo effect around your head. His angel sent from heaven for him to defile and cherish.

You’re so beautiful in fact that within that in that moment, he almost forgets the question you ask him.

“Oh um, just thought it’d be fun given how enamoured you were with him and all...” Nothing could hide the bitterness in Aemonds tone then, no matter how much he tried to bury it down. Because who in their right mind would be jealous of a fictional character on a screen? He, he would apparently.

"Oh Aemond.." You sigh, moving so you can give him small soft kisses against his lips that he welcomes gladly with a small content noise of his own. When you move away again, he even makes a small whine younger him would've killed him for making. But screw that old version of himself. He's happy as he can be in that moment with a beautiful angel in his bed that loves him, so why should he bother with hiding himself? "You don't need to be jealous of him! He's just an onscreen crush! I don't even find the actor that cute!"

"Good. I would've killed him otherwise..."

"Oh really? And how would you do that love?" You laugh, laying your head on his shoulder so you can look at him better. The way the light shines on him and reflects off his sapphire makes him look like some sort of Greek god. Your Greek god...

"Accident. It happens all the time these days with celebrities right?" Aemond laughs, matching you as he pulls you in as close as he can whilst you giggle into the skin of his neck. He's never felt such love for another person before. But he's glad hes found and got you in his life.

"I love you princess..."

"I love you too my dragon..."

[kcrra]

im never going to get over how the house of the dragon creative team literally read a fictional history textbook written based off the past of a made up fantasy world and were like wait but actually, i think this would literally be so much better if it was a family soap opera, the real housewives of westeros, a lesbian divorce drama, a comedy of errors, and a romance novel except everyone is related instead. like ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?,,,,,,,,, okay. loving the vision, i guess 

[atopvisenyashill]

re: rickon getting burned by dany - I actually talked to george roegre roergoe martin (we're neighbors) and he said he decided to add a storyline to winds of winter where littlefinger produces a reality tv programme called the real housewives of westeros and during the season 1 finale, sansa hosts a dinner party at winterfell and she puts rickon (freshly returned from skagos, still feral) on a leash and has jon babysit him but jon gets a war flashback to when catelyn made him sit away from his siblings at feasts so he gets drunk and rickon escapes and stumbles onto dany doing her confessional but he overhears her talking shit about his siblings so he bites her and so she starts the second dance of dragons in retaliation.

[alicentes]

I can't wait to watch rhaenyra and alicent’s debut on the real housewives of Westeros this sunday

[daenystheedreamer]

Tyrionyork again. What sort of trends do you think would exist in westerosi tiktok? Challenges? Which songs do you think would have popular dances? Biggest question: do you think there's a rains of castermere soundbite

you know how people theorise (are correct) about how justin trudeau is actually the son of fidel castro and his mother cheated/consensually cucked pierre trudeau. i think this very easily translates to westeros. i know a+j=j+c is a shitpost conspiracy on westeros tiktok.

they make Is Henry Kissinger Dead Yet? twitter accounts about walder frey. also there's a twitter account like liza minnelli outlives and every time some old fart croaks it they're like. Walder Frey Has Outlived Gyles Rosby. Walder Frey Has Outlived Cersei Lannister's Stint On Real Housewives.

i know planetoscryptidgirlies are sooo crazy about ice spiders and squishers. ooo and harrenhal... also queer history tiktok is soooooo annoying i know it. whitewashing gay targaryens like ok yes they did imperialism but did you know aegon the conquerer got dicked by orys baratheon?

[corviids]

modern au where the targaryens get casted for a real housewives of westeros spinoff starring luke, helaena, daemon (HE'S MY MALEWIFE IDC), alicent, rhaenys and baela

i can really appreciate the inclusion of daemon cuz he’s a messy bitch that lives for drama and everyone watches the reunion episode to see him and alicent go for each others throats

[sansas-amythest-hairnet]

Real Housewives of Westeros Server

[juanitasupreme]

HOTD is literally The Real Housewives of Westeros

[agirlofwinterfell]

"I don't know if you're listening, or if you wanted to hear from me." -neverkniight ((idk what this is, maybe modern arya and bran fell out of touch because their family is a mess, or maybe they in any verse had a fight, just gimme bran reaching out to Arya)

The voice message had been short. She’d left five years earlier for college, and forgotten all the drama that had come with her family and their neighbours. The Real Housewives of Westeros. 

But still, for Bran to call, he must need her bad. He had always been her baby, the one she babied. 

It’s so easy then, that she reaches for her phone and dials the number back. 

@neverkniight

[beryndraws]

Obsessed with these three being forced to interact at their husbands’ work functions.

[hollowwhisperings]

THE NEXT LORD OF THE CROSSING: A HITLIST FOR NO-ONE.

A/N: this post was a delight to research, a horror to draft. i am now overly invested in the Real Houselives of House Frey. i did not mean for this: it's a joke gone too far - the wiki of ice and fire has this all on Lord Walder Frey's personal wiki page! i had not realised that, in the beginning, but it's too late for me now: that bridge has burned! its castles have crumbled! may the blackfish be merciful!

"LATE" WALDER FREY, b. 208AC: Lord of The Crossing & its two identical guarding castles, "The Twins". Has hosted 3 kings and the Red Wedding. 92 y/o and Winter Is Coming...

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Key:

- ALLCAPS child of Lord Walder Frey

- *Black Walder's by rumour - +(dead)

- ×marked for death by Red Wedding

- [daughters, in case you're pondering Dornish Laws of inheritance]

~ all characters bear the surname "Frey" unless specifically stated otherwise ~

FREYS OF THE CROSSING/TWINS LINE OF PERRA ROYCE, wife #1: 1. Edwyn, b. 257~79AC: m. Janyce Hunter, 1kid. 1stborn of Ryman+, 1st son of STEVRON+. Lord Frey's great-grandson. Probably doomed. 2. Walda*, b. 290/1AC: Edwyn's. 3. Black Walder, b. 258~280AC: 2nd son of Ryman, unwed. [*child by rumour] 4. Perra*, b. 294AC: daughter of Petyr+ [Ryman's 3rd son] by his wife, Mylenda Caron. [Marianne Vance, b. 270~90AC: daughter of STEVRON+/J. Lydden's daughter. Eldest of 3 sibs.] 5. Walton, b. 248~268AC: son of STEVRON+/M. Waynwood. m. Deana Hardyng, 3kids. 6. Steffon the Sweet, b. 260~280AC: 1stborn of Walton & Deana Hardyng. [Fair Walda, b. 280/1AC: 2nd child of Walton & Deana.] 8. Bryan, b. 281~91AC: 2nd son of Walton, a squire. 9. Aegon "Bloodborn", son of AENYS+: an outlaw. 10. Robert, son of Rhaegar+ & his wife, Jeyne Beesbury+: grandkid of Lord Frey. [White Walda: Robert's sister.] 11. Jonos, 3rdborn of Rhaegar+. [PERRIANNE: m. a lord Haigh, 3kids & 1grandkid. Unknown seat.] LINE OF CYRENNA SWANN, wife #4: [Zia, b. 285AC: great-grandkid of Lord Frey.] [Kyra Goodbrook, b. 261~78AC: widowed, 2kids + 1grandkid.] LINE OF AMAREI CRAKEHALL, wife #5: 12. see WINTERFELL FREYS. [Lady LYTHENE Vypren: 2kids. Ser Hosteen's sister.] 13. Alesander: a singer, anti-RW. [Alyx, b. 282AC: sister of Alesander.] 19. Sandor: son of Carolei Waynwood & GEREMY+ (10th son of Lord Frey). [Cynthea, b. 290AC: Sandor's sister, ward of Lady Waynwood.] 20. RAYMUND×, b. 264/5AC: m. Beony Beesbury, 7 kids. 11th son of Lord Frey. ×Killer of Catelyn Stark. 21. Malwyn, 2nd son of RAYMUND: studying alchemy in Lys. [RAYMUND's 3 daughters: - Sarra&Serra, 285AC: twins - Cersei, 292/3AC: AKA "Little Bee"] 22. Tywin&Jaime, b. 299AC: twins. LINE OF ALYSSA BLACKWOOD, wife #6: 24. LAME LOTHAR×: m. Leonella Lefford, 4 girls. Steward of The Twins. 12th son of Lord Frey. ×Plotter of the Red Wedding. 25. JAMMOS: m. Sallei Paege. 3 sons. 13th son of Frey. 26. see WINTERFELL FREYS. 27&28. Dickon&Mathis: infant sons of JAMMOS. 29. WHALEN×: m. Sylwa Paege, 2 kids. 14th son of Frey. ×abetted the killing of Grey Wind. 30. Hoster, son of WHALEN: page of Ser Damon Paege. [Merry, b. 288AC: Hoster's sister.] [MORYA, 3rd daughter of Frey: m. Flement Brax, 3rd son of Lord Brax. Has 3 sons. Unknown seat.] [TYTA "The Maid", b. 269/70AC: 4th daughter of Lord Frey.] LINE OF BETHANY ROSBY, wife #7: 31. PERWYN, b. 269~78AC: 15th son of Lord Frey. Defacto heir/lord of Rosby. Anti-RW. [Deaf Della, b. 296AC: daughter of the 16th Frey son, BENFREY+] 32. Osmund, b. 297AC: son of BENFREY+ & Jyanna (cousins). 33. OLYVAR, b. 281AC: 18th son of Frey, loyal squire of King Robb I. [ROSLIN: m. Edmure Tully, pregnant. Lord Frey's 5th daughter. Anti-RW.] LINE OF ANNARA FARRING, wife #7: [ARWYN*, b. 285AC: 6th of Lord Frey's daughter. 1stborn of Annara.] 34. WENDEL*, b. 286AC: 1st son by Farring. A page/hostage at Seagard. 35. TYR*, b. 289AC: 21st/3rd son. 36. ELMAR*, b. 290AC: youngest & 22nd son of Lord Frey. Briefly betrothed to Arya Stark. [SHIREI*, b. 292/3AC: Lord Frey's 7th daughter & youngest child thus far.] LADY JOYEUSE ERENFORD, b. 282/3 AC: wife #8. pregnant with Frey #24. The current Lady Frey.

RIVERRUN-FREYS A. Lord EMMON, b. 237/8AC: m. Genna Lannister, 4 kids. 2nd son of Lord Frey. Terrified of Black Walder. B. "Ty", b. 287/8AC: son of Cleos+ & Jeyne Darry. 1st of Emmon's grandchildren. Named for his great-uncle. C. Willem, b. 289/290AC: Ty's brother. A page at Ashemark. D. Lyonel, b. 258~283AC: m. Melesa Crakehall, no issue. 2nd son of EMMON/Genna. E. Red Walder, b. 285AC: 4th son of Cleos+. A page/squire at Casterly Rock. • BASTARD WALDER×, eldest of Frey's bastards: m. unnamed lady of House Charlton, 2kids. • Aemon Rivers, son of "BASTARD WALDER": 1kid, Walda (b. 295AC). • RYGER RIVERS×.

HIDING AT DARRY'S 15. DANWELL×, Frey's 8th son: m. Wynafrei Whent, sadly without child. Defacto heir of Harrenhal. [Amerei "Gatehouse Amy", b. 282AC: eldest child of MERRET+, 9th son of Frey. Defacto heir of House Darry, her mother its Lady.] [Marissa, b. 285AC: youngest surviving child of Mariya Darry & MERRETT+]

• an assortment of Frey cousins

WINTERFELL FREYS 12. "Ser Stupid" HOSTEEN×: m. Bellena Hawick, has 1 son. 26. "Big" Walder, b. 291AC: 1stborn of JAMMOS. Found his cousin, "Little" Walder, dead in the snow. Reluctant squire of Ramsay.

• a Schrodinger's Army of Freys, soldiers, lead in two hosts by Ser HOSTEEN & Ser AENYS+ (WoW excerpts). En-route to the army of Stannis Baratheon. Supposedly victorious, according to The Pink Letter (...which arrived at Castle Black before either army had achieved contact, given the heavy snows between them).

ELSEWHERE FREYS

- Septon LUCEON, in King's Landing. - MELYS, maester of House Rosby. - Zachery, brother of Zia: becoming a septon in Oldtown. - Robert, forging his maestery at The Citadel.

[lostchildofthenewworld]

if you’re Black or a fan of the real housewives series there’s a lot going on in the real housewives of Atlanta and all the drama and shenanigans are giving me ideas