#the saddest part is... i think all the best people are just too busy working.

[astrologista]

just thinkin bout modern media and things (click for essay)

so the real problem with everything is that media used to be generally segmented by targeted age ranges? like, there was separate media for babies than there was for children and adolescents and separate content that was targeted at adults. but that didnt mean that targeted demographics had to absolutely necessarily stay within the ranges of media that was targeted at them. it was just nice to have more segmented categories of media that could be appropriate for little children while still being decently interesting and exciting (i.e., adventures of winnie the pooh, arthur, dragon tales, cyberchase etc.) and 8-14 bracket media that had more depth and character arcs (i.e., justice league, batman the animated series, animes like fullmetal alchemist etc) and then more adult shows like the adult swim lineup that could get away with more crap past the radar.

the reasons for this were multiple, including the typical capitalist reasons of it's easier to target merchandise at groups when you split people up by age, and it makes the moral guardians happier to have something to regulate when it comes to making things "safer" for certain age groups as well. all of these reasons can have problematic implications, such as lgbtq+ censorship, cartoons for the sole purpose of selling toys, poor quality of writing and flanderization over time, etc. which we were dealing with throughout the 2000s. the ability of web content creators to make things like homestuck and welcome to night vale and undertale without the intervention of editors and marketers and regulators has been amazing, especially for brand new forms of creative content that have never before been seen, and also bringing creators closer to fans. fans also now have unprecedented abilities in steering storylines and affecting the trajectory of media. but the dark side to this is something that i think requires much more introspection and discussion. you can have fandoms like the voltron fandom that come out of this and actually threaten real creators in real life on social media, which is really bad. you can have problems associated with the increasing push for monetization of content, which brings us back to the problems of the 2000s all over again (the more businesspeople you involve with media, the sour-er things get over time). it's just too many cooks. the golden age of the freedom of web content without forced monetization was far, far too short.

i tried watching a tiktok that got posted to my twitter feed today and like. what the fuck. i have not seen that many tiktoks, but i swear to god i cannot understand the target demographics of tiktok in general. tiktok is an app that seems to show you a neverending stream of content sludge (now generated by ai!). the content ranges from gross to just plain insulting. theres this weird trend on some tiktok videos when showing off an object or item to like... do this weird little dance to show it off? kind of reminds me of when you're jingling keys in a baby's face? it's like a very weird little dance but everybody seems to do it... it's quite cringe, made me uncomfy lol

but anyway it just... seemed to me like doing cute dance moves like that, showing shiny objects or slime or whatever it is, seems to be the kind of content that aims to gain the visual attention of like, little kids or babies or something. but then you go to the next video and it's like, something veeery sexual or violent or just otherwise totally inappropriate. additionally, it's largely mindless content. there are no lessons to be learned from it, if anything it actively rots your brain cells. is this what our parents thought tv was like?? holy shit. i could never understand why television was called "the idiot box" because you could learn things on tv. there was a lot of different and good content on tv. but all content on tiktok is the same. because the popularity of content gets ranked and rewarded by an algorithm. it's sad and sickly ironic that there is less variety and quality in user-generated content now than there has ever been, and it's all because of monetization. the web should be the ultimate free platform to create and distribute whatever you want, it shouldn't be this monotonic sludge of content that is most definitely inappropriate for little children, so for fuck's sake stop targeting it at them with shiny objects, and incredibly boring and repetitive to many adults, so how about make it more interesting and diverse. i read this article the other day about how blippi, the youtube equivalent of barney, never features any actual people on his show. he plays with toys and explains how machines work and makes up shitty songs about them, but he never goes the mr rogers route of talking about feelings or meeting with kids from diverse backgrounds or dealing with topics like loss or grief or fear or anger or love in a way that children can understand. there's a fear to be genuine there, because the more these topics are discussed in children's media, the more adults DON'T want them discussed with their children. their reasoning being "they're not old enough, it will scare them, they can't handle it." don't you think it'll scare them more when they grow up emotionally stunted and unable to understand even the most basic of their own emotions?

it seems now more than ever, trying new or different ideas with media is just an invitation to be called "cringe" and have brigading youtubers after you to use you for "content" in their fun little 3 hour critical essay videos. anything sentimental that dares to ask its audience to actually feel something like genuine joy or sadness or excitement is mocked - not postmodern enough for you, i see. anything cool or new or fun just gets ignored or shut down. it's wrong. it sucks. why are we still putting up with this? why is it just okay?

[neymarsangel]

Rivals with Benefits - Mick Schumacher x reader - Part 4

Read Part Three here

Mick Schumacher x female!reader

Summary: Mick and you were both set to drive for Ferarri. You were two best friends climbing through the ranks together (and through the sheets) but things turn sour. You join Red Bull and Mick is never the same. 

Warnings: Swearing, angst, implied smut, fluff ish 

Word Count: 3.6K

—

The dinner felt like a lifetime and Mick’s teasing didn’t subside and neither did your attitude towards him but after years of media training, you could quickly hide your emotions. Max on the other hand, not so much. If looks could kill then Mick would more indefinitely be dead although, his Mum and Mick’s Mum clearly didn’t pick up on his disgust towards his former friend. 

“So y/n,” Mick’s Mum caught your attention as you did your best to ignore her son. “How are your family?” Her smile infected you, she always had that effect on people. 

“They’re good although I don’t see them as much as I’d like to. I mainly spend the downtime before another race on my own.”

“y/n!” Gina’s ecstatic voice made you look up from your food. “You haven’t been to the ranch in years, there’s a break before Spain. Come and ride the horses like old times with me!”

“Well if you did you wouldn’t be alone,” Mick spoke. 

“Come on y/n, Billy misses you.” Gina referenced her horse. “And I never get to see you anymore.”

You couldn’t say no to Gina. She was a walking bundle of joy no matter where she was. She always had the power to make even the saddest of people smile. “I’ll think about it.” You smiled back at her. “I may see my parents soon, seeing as they don’t come to the races-”

Mick’s Mum suddenly spoke. “They still haven’t attended a race yet?” Her brows arched at her own question. 

“Not any since I’ve joined Redbull. They’re just busy all the time and Formula 1 isn’t really their scene.”

“How so?” Gina asked. 

“Too many rich people.” 

Mick let out a light laugh at your words, his gaze falling to you as he interjected. “Do they know who their daughter is? And the sport she’s in?”

“Well considering I’m never home anymore I’m sure they’re aware.” Your smile was sarcastic as you met Mick’s gaze, something that boiled Max’s blood even more. Knowing the truth behind the two of you he knew Mick was only ever going to taunt you for his own personal gain, anyone that smug didn’t deserve an ego boost. 

“Do they still work?” Mick asked despite knowing the answer to his question. 

“They do, they won’t let me retire them-” 

“Well to me they seem very proud, not the type to scream from the rooftops.” Max quickly butted in, sending a reassuring smile towards you as the words left his lips. 

“Can’t imagine why they wouldn’t scream from the rooftops though,” Despite Max’s attempt to end the conversation about your family, Mick clearly wanted to continue. “It’s not every day someone like you climbs to the top-”

“Someone like me?” Your head snapped to the side, sending a glare towards the blonde. Your actions alone made his hand jump from your inner thigh. “What someone with no money? No status in your world-”

“That’s not what I meant…” His words were stern, almost like he was talking down to you. 

“You sure Mick?” 

“y/n I meant someone who doesn’t have family in the industry-”

“So a status in the industry?” 

“Don’t make this a big thing.” His voice fell to a whisper before he spoke louder. “Not like that, I meant a foot in the door. You and Lewis have a similar story.” 

You wanted to yell something back at him, believing he was implying something different when Max’s phone suddenly sounded. Excusing himself from the table he walked away leaving everyone in silence to finish their drinks whilst he paced the restaurant. 

“Take your hand off my thigh.” You spoke through gritted teeth at the man who quickly obliged with your request. 

“y/n I didn’t mean to imply-”

“Imply what Mick? That I wasn’t rich enough for your sport? That I wasn’t at a high enough status for you?” 

“No.” His eyes poured into yours. “Money doesn’t matter in this sport-”

“Of course the rich guy who got here because of his Dad would say that.” Rolling your eyes you slumped back in your chair. 

“You know it wasn’t easy for me.”

“But easier for you than me.” You hit back at his words, taking Mick back. As he opened his mouth to reply Max’s voice grabbed everyone’s attention. 

“I’m really sorry guys I’m going to have to leave. My neighbour just called and Jimmy managed to escape the flat and now he’s hiding in my neighbour's house. He has a dog so poor Jimmy is stressed out. I’m grabbing a flight now.” Max turned to you. “Can you make your way back to the hotel? Or shall I call you a car?” 

Smiling at the brunette a smirk filled your face as you spoke. “I’ll be fine Max, I can get Gasly to come and pick me up.” 

Smirking back at your words, knowing you were only trying to piss Mick off he spoke. “I’ll text him a heads up.”

“I can take you back.” Mick now mirrored your and Max’s expression. “I think Gasly mentioned he was heading back to France early, he had a dinner planned with his parents.” 

Brilliant. 

“It’s fine, I’ll call Oscar.” Your words took Mick back by surprise. 

“Oscar? The reserve driver?”

“Nothing gets past you, Mick.” 

“Didn’t even know he was capable of even talking to a woman.” He muttered, his attitude showing. 

Max said his goodbyes before heading off to his flat seemingly several hundred miles away. It wasn’t long till everyone else said their goodbyes and made their way to the car park. Unlike everyone else you stood just outside the restaurant door, scrolling through your phone and wondering who you could call to come and pick you up, Settling on Daniel you were about to call him when a familiar voice pulled up beside you. 

“You know it’s getting late.” Mick looked down at you, hands in his suit pockets. “I don’t want you out here on your own.”

“Since when did you care about my well-being?” 

“Just because we ‘hate’ one another doesn’t mean I don’t look out for you.”

“Does that include during the races?”

“Daer God no.” His smile grew. “I thought me pushing you into the wall would’ve answered that question for you.”

“So you’re admitting it?”

“No one else will believe you.”

“I think a few Redbull fans will.” 

He shrugged. “They can believe all they want.” His head turned to look down at you. “I still have the Championship.” 

“Because you cheated.”

“Oh y/n let it go.” He pulled out the keys to his car before walking over to the passenger door. He opened it before looking back at you, a silent beg to get in the car. You could wait for Daniel but your bed was calling your name and you could ignore Mick if you really wanted to. 

“You know Max and Christian will kill you if they see me leaving your car.” Your heels sounded on the concrete as you obliged and climbed into his car.

“Well,” He closed the passenger side door before jogging around to his door. “Good thing Max is on a plane right now and Christian is probably fast asleep.”

“Lucky bloke.” 

“Can join me in my bed if you’d like-”

“You didn’t win so no.”

“Give it time.”

Most of the car ride was silent, thankfully. The only sound was the softness of the radio pouring from the speakers of the car. Mick quietly tapped his steering wheel as he drove, humming every now and again if he recognised a song on the radio. Occasionally he’d turn his head and look over to you, almost like he was preparing himself to say something.

“Is something bothering you Mick?” You broke the silence. 

“No.” His gaze flickered to you again. “Why?”

“You keep looking over at me.”

“And?”

“Why?”

“Why not? Am I not allowed to look?”

“It’s not that you’re not allowed more not wanted.”

“Can’t help you look good in that dress.”

“I’ll let Pierre know, he picked it.” Your smug grin caught his attention. 

“I bet he did.” His grip on the steering wheel tightened. “Can I ask you something?”

“If you must.”

“Are you really fucking Gasly?”

“Why do you automatically jump to me sleeping with other drivers?”

“Because if the two of you were dating I’m sure you wouldn’t have jumped at the idea of sleeping with me again.” His eyes danced over to meet yours. “Unless you just couldn’t help yourself…”

“I was drunk when I agreed to that.”

“Could’ve backed out.”

“You wouldn’t let me.” 

Mick laughed at your words. “Very fair point y/l/n… but you still didn’t answer my question.” 

“Is it any of your business?”

“Well, considering I’m sleeping with you I’d rather not share.”

“You always did have a tinge of jealousy to you.” 

“Not always, you can flirt with as many men as you want but at the end of the day I know that when I’m at the top of the podium you’ll be coming home with me.”

“And when you’re not?”

“You’re too busy out celebrating to even think of another man, you’ve always been the type to sacrifice any relationship for your success.” 

“You’re one to talk.”  

“That wasn’t the sole reason why I called it quits.”

“Then what was it? The real reason?” 

“It’s complicated y/n.” He pulled up to the hotel car park. 

“No, it’s not Mick. You still wanted the luxury of taking home as many girls as you could-”

“Oh come on, you know I’m not like that.”

“You act like it at times.”

Rolling his eyes he turned his car engine off. “I’ll never convince you.”

“Maybe if you didn’t- Shit!” Slumping down in your seat as far as you could your hands attempted to cover your face. 

“What are you doing?” Mick scrunched his face up in confusion. 

“It’s Christian!” Mick scanned the car park before meeting the dull eyes of Christian Horner. “Shit Mick just drive away!”

“Drive away? He’s just watched me pull in here!”

“Then do something!”

“Like what? I can’t just make him leave!”

“Try anything! He’ll kill me if he sees me with you!” 

“Fine.” Mick clambered out of the car, locking his vehicle behind him as he caught the attention of Christian Horner. You honestly thought his plan was to just head back into the hotel, exchanging words with Horner until he was out of sight before coming back to get you but as time passed on that plan you thought he had quickly faded.

You: Where are you? 

Mick: Got caught up with Toto, I’ll come to get you soon

You: Are you serious Mick? I’m locked in your car

Mick: At least the seats are comfy

You: Mick please hurry up

Mick: I’ll try

You: No come now

Mick: Toto bought me a drink at the bar, I can’t exactly run off

You: Yes you can, tell him you need to go or that you left something in your car

Mick: And then he catches us together?

You: Mick, please

Mick: Please what my love?

You: Just hurry up

You could feel his smirk through the phone which only pissed you off more. Getting up from your crouched position you sat back in your seat, your head fell back as your eyes quickly shut. Sleep slowly took over your body as you did your best to get comfy in Mick’s car seats. At this point you didn’t even care who saw you in his car, you were good at lying and a good lie would easily get you out of your situation although little did you know you wouldn’t be sleeping long in your rival's car.  

—

Sunlight disturbed your sleep, causing your eyes to squint open. Raising your hands to cover your face you groaned at the feeling of being awoken. You had every intention to quickly drift back to sleep when a voice caused your eyes to burst open. 

“Morning pretty girl.” Bolting up your eyes met Mick’s who was sitting in a chair opposite the bed you were currently in. “Sleep well?”

“Is this your hotel room?” Ignoring his question your eyes scanned your surroundings. 

“Well it isn’t yours.” Mick replied as he brought a mug to his lips. 

“How did I get here? Did we…?”

“No we didn’t.” A light chuckle fell from his lips. “I planned to walk back in the hotel with Christian when Toto saw me, he asked if I wanted a drink and I couldn’t exactly say no, could I?”

“I mean you could’ve.”

“It’s Toto Wolff you don’t say no.” Rolling your eyes at the man he quickly continued after a light pause. “Anyeay, he bought me a drink and we got to talking, I did try and get away but you don’t run away from Toto Wolff. When I got back to my car you were asleep, I couldn’t just leave you there so I brought you back here. Your dress is over there,” He pointed to your dress which was currently draped over the bathroom door. “I did my best not to look but I wasn’t going to let you fall asleep in that, it looked so uncomfortable.” 

“Thank you, Mick.” Surprisingly the pair of you shared a small smile that didn’t have an underline of sarcasm laced to it. 

“You’re welcome.” He moved over and handed you a plate of breakfast. “I’ve booked a late check out for this room and yours so I’ll leave you to it.” He grabbed his things before he walked over to you. Leaning down he planted a kiss on your head, a gesture which took you off guard entirely. “I’ll see you in a few days when I take P1.” Sending you a wink Mick quickly left the room leaving you alone with your thoughts. 

He didn’t need to do what he did. He could’ve easily left you in his car for the other drivers to see in the morning and Ferrari wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the Stargirl of Red Bull in his car but Christian Horner would. You finished your food in silence before sneaking back to your own room in his clothes, you’d give him his clothes back eventually but you couldn’t lie that they were comfy. Maybe you’d hang on to them for a little longer than you planned. Ironically the next race was the Emilia Romagna Grand Prix which you won, Mick trailed behind in P2 and Lando claimed P3. 

— 

Miami was in full swing. You could tell you were in America as everything was amplified by 100. Celebrities littered the garages as the race quickly approached. You were starting in P2, Max in P1 and Mick in P3. You and Max were finishing up your preparations for the race, and one thing the pair of you started doing was playing a game of snap. 

Anyone who looked on would’ve thought the two of you were just being childish and didn’t really care about the race ahead but the truth was when you joined Red Bull your anxiety worsened before a race. Max picked up on this almost instantly and posed the idea of doing something to take your mind off what was going on around you both. He posed the idea of playing snap with a deck of cards, the game allowed you to block everything out and completely focus on what was in front of you. Every week he bought different themed cards, last week it was different breeds of cats this week it was zoo animals. 

“Snap!” You called out, pointing to the pile of cards before you both. You both sat crossed-legged on the floor hidden away as you played.  

“That’s three to you and one to me.” Max kept a little notepad in the garages to keep the tallies of every game. At the end of the season the pair of you would add up who’d won the most and whoever lost had to buy drinks for the team at the end of the season celebrations. 

“At this rate, you’ll be buying the drinks in November.” Smirking up at him you shuffled the card deck before splitting it in two.

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint y/n.” He returned the smirk as he looked at his cards. “Ready?”

You nodded as the two of you started to place one card down at a time, the pair of you watching intently at the actions of the other, ready to jump in at any second. Your focus couldn’t be broken until a number of boos and yells sounded at the garage entrance. Both you and Max raised your heads to see Mick Schumacher come strolling towards you both. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Max spat, standing from the floor. 

“I came to speak to-”

“Brilliant you’ve spoken now get the fuck out!” Max blocked Mick from even looking towards you with his frame. 

Mick held his hands up in surrender, a smile on his lips. “That’s no way to talk around your teammate's parents.”

“What?” Max scrunched his face up at Mick’s words before his eyes fell on a couple who looked rather similar to you, standing behind the Ferrari driver. 

You’d now risen from your spot on the floor and were looking towards the scene before you. “Mum? Dad?” You were just as taken back as Max was. Your parents weaved past your rival and teammate to pull you into a hug. “What are you two doing here?” Your eyes glared at Mick. 

“Mick invited us.” Your mother pulled away and smiled at you and Mick. “We couldn’t get here until this morning due to your father’s work but we’re here for the big race!” 

“Heard you’re on track to win the World Championship this year!” Your Dad smiled as he spoke. He was always supportive despite knowing very little about Formula 1. 

“For now,” Mick spoke, his smug smile gleaming at his remark. You wanted nothing more than to wipe it off his face. You would never be able to read him, one minute he wanted to take care of you, making sure you didn’t get in trouble with your team principal then antagonising you to the point where you contemplated throwing a punch at his perfect face. 

“You shouldn’t be in here Schumacher,” Max interjected. 

“You’re right Verstappen,” Mick spoke to Max but his eyes never left yours. “Good luck y/l/n. Be safe out there.” He turned on his heel and walked back to the Ferrari garage without another word. 

“He seems lovely.” Your Mum put her hand on your arm. “You used to be teammates, didn’t you?”

“That’s what Mick told us.” Your Dad joined in on the conversation. 

“We used to drive alongside one another a few years ago yes, for Haas.” You gave them a light smile, your eyes glued to Mick’s figure slowly fading from your eyesight. 

“He speaks very highly of you.”

“Does he?” Max asked. 

“Oh yes.” Your Dad smiled. “Says you were one of his closest friends.” 

Friends that fucked one another.

“Times change when you get to the top.” Grabbing your helmet you quickly said goodbye to your parents as they took their spots in the garage to watch the race. 

The race wasn’t the cleanest. A collision between Max, yourself and George made Max retire and you had an unfortunate stop to the garages.The pit stop fixing your car which took a little too long made you come out behind Mick. You tried everything to get past him but he was defending with every fibre of his being. You finished the race in P2 whilst he took the win. 

“That was good racing today y/n, really well done,” Christian spoke down the radio. “There’s an investigation against George so we’ll see what comes from that.”

“Won’t take us to P1 but thank you guys for today, good thing we still had one car on the track, how’s Max?”

“He wants Russell’s head on a stick.” You laughed at your team principal's words, you wouldn’t be surprised if Max was waiting for George in the garages. 

“I don't blame him.”

A loud sigh left your lips as you parked your car behind the P2. You knew what it meant if you saw Mick in P1. Another night of hell (liar). Yet your anger didn’t last when you saw your parents standing alongside Christian Horner. The pair of them held your country's flag in their hands, screaming your name. Anyone would’ve thought you’d just become a world champion. 

Leaving your car you ran straight to them, holding them close as they sang praises in your ears. You moved on to the garage team and Max before heading off to the podium, your smile growing on your face. 

“You that excited to sleep with me again?” Mick leaned down and whispered in your ear. The two of you were waiting with Charles to collect your trophies. 

“Not everything’s about you Schumacher.” Mick’s hand trailed down your waist, pulling you back against his chest. 

“I’ll let you savour the moment with your parents.” You turned your head to meet his gaze. “You can hold up your end of the bet when you come to the ranch.” His lips pecked your forehead before he stepped back, acting like the interaction between himself and you had never happened. 

Well, you know what they say, save a horse, ride a cowboy.  

—

Taglist: @lillianacristina @mrscevanss @chiliwhore @mloyer @eclairmcqueen @faeb1tch42069 @abysshaven @babs22sstuff @ironmaiden1313 @mbappesleftthigh @nikki01234

---

Buy me a Coffe <3

[valleynix]

Hey there! Do you have any head canons for the dimi girls? Like any quirks and fun things that you might not be able to get into the main plot?

listen i have so many thoughts about them, it’s very unhealthy-

since Bela and Cassandra are both pretty into creative stuff (music and art, respectively), they definitely have had little get togethers where they just hang out in the Opera Hall when everyone is asleep and practice their own thing

Daniela definitely joins them occasionally, probably with a book in hand or sleepily listening to Bela play the piano

Cassandra only allows her immediate family to call her Cassie. no ands, ifs, or buts. her s/o can call her Cass, but only once she’s realized she has feelings for them

Bela may not show it often, but she’s incredibly protective of her younger sisters. there was a time for like a week where she just spoiled them with little treats and praise and both thought Miranda had replaced her with some shitty copy

Cassandra has made her sisters their sickles, and it’s the only reason they’re good quality and haven’t fallen apart after hundreds of uses

Daniela takes offense when anyone doesn’t want to read with her. there was once a maid she fancied that refused her and made her cry, and, well… we’ll just say that her older sisters took care of that

all three love head scratches but in different places. there. i said it

Bela makes fun of Cassandra for being shorter than she is (nevermind that it’s only like an inch difference)

anytime the girls want something that might be a little hard to get, they have to send Daniela with her saddest puppy eyes to Alcina. it works like a charm

(Alcina never says no to them anyway. is she spoiling them too much? maybe, but she doesn’t care)

Cassandra and Daniela respect the hell out of Bela, even if they spend 90% of their time being the most annoying little siblings on the planet

definitely have little monthly get-togethers where they spend a few hours doing sisterly things. talking about the maid they fancy, how many people they’ve drained, which tool is best for causing the most damage… yknow. normal stuff

Daniela will hide in the library when she’s upset, hidden behind some hard-to-reach bookshelves

if Cassandra is ever upset and wants to hide, you will literally never find her unless she wants you to

if Bela is upset, she’ll either lock herself in her room or throw herself into her work until she thinks she’s made a rational decision

Cassandra has done paintings of her family before. don’t tell anyone, though. she will murder you

Bela will sometimes have the maids prepare her little siblings’ favorite dishes seemingly out of nowhere. she’ll deny ever being involved

i think i’ve kinda referenced this one before, but their flies are tied in with their emotions. Bela is incredibly flustered? flies are buzzing around her form. Cassandra is excited about something? hers are either buzzing around her form or crawling on something nearby. Daniela gets to a plot twist in her cheesy romance novel? expect to only hear buzzing in your ears for 3-5 business days

they purr when they’re content

Daniela can be strangely poetic at times, which she then follows by seeing something interesting and changing the subject like she’d never spoken. Bela and Cassandra are used to it, but they think it’s hilarious to see how guests react

when she’s feeling particularly down, Bela will go into the village at night and go to Cassandra’s and Daniela’s old homes to remember all she’s gained from this life

this is all my dumb brain can come up with for now, but i’ll definitely make a part two if i remember more of the little things i headcanon for them <33

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[csmeaner]

Speaking of Scarfoxes, I’ve voided mine out of the species permanently and it feels good to be free. Still waiting for them to update the ML, but it’ll be about another 3 weeks yet because of their stupid fucking void/unvoid rules imposing a 28-day wait on processing the request because they want to “be sure it’s what the user wants.”

I understand it was added because of the fury towards Darci and her bullshit when she tried to push out the $70 void fee and the Discord turned on her, but it’s been almost a year since then and I don’t see the justification in waiting anymore. People wouldn’t ask to void (or unvoid) if they weren’t certain they wanted it so the wait is just irritating.

Strangely, the mods don’t even have clear communication with each other at this point it seems, because when the void rules were drafted up, it was very clearly stated that permission from OG artist or designer wasn’t needed because you can’t control what you don’t own, but I had someone slide into my DMs after submitting my void request to tell me I DID need permission from the artists to void and it was just… ???????????????? How is it that a CS staff team can’t even be on the same page with each other??? Bro…

You know the ML won’t even approve anything before 3 days by CHOICE? Fucking why!? I’ve never seen a CS staff so allergic to doing their basic duties. I liked the species for its designs/anatomy, and tbh I still do, but I just can’t stick around anymore with such abysmal management and rules that just draw things out for no reason.

There’s no joy anymore, and there hasn’t been for a long time. I held on, hoping things might get better like a naive fool, but at this point I really just… I can’t anymore. Too many times I’ve had contradicting information thrown at me, and the same has happened to friends of mine, and very recently I got fucked over on a design update so I’m done. The design update issue was the final straw for me.

Worst part is I can’t even get my money back now, but that’s my own fault; I bought two items second hand specifically for the design update (because they were discounted by the seller) and now I have no use for them, but I can’t even fucking get rid of them… Hell, even selling the foxes themselves is getting more difficult at this point, which is why I opted to void. (Plus, maybe it’s petty of me but I’d rather keep my designs than resell them and have them end up in certain peoples’ hands… I did put a lot of work into developing them and even as generic furries I’m still attached to them.)

I’m sticking around the discord presently because I’m owed art (and really, really hate having to friend people just for business transactions), but at this point there’s no interest left for me in the species. On one hand it’s hard to watch something you’ve been a part of for six years slowly crawl into its grave, but on the other hand, it’s better to move on once something stops being enjoyable. Unless Darci is removed from the equation, I don’t think things will ever improve and she’s determined to take Scarfoxes to its grave rather than hand it over to someone else, so it’s better if the species just hurried up and dies at this point.

Either way, not my concern anymore. Thanks to the design update bullshit I have a fun new character design that isn’t bound by rules and restrictions, and soon all of my other voided designs will be just as free to change and use the way I want them to be. I’m so happy. Leaving most of the CS I was in was the best decision I’ve made.

Also got my Edeia designs voided for free too, finally, which was funny as hell because some of the ones that got voided didn’t even belong to me anymore.

Sorry for the ramble. Needed to get some things off my chest…

damn bitch i remember you from before and you're still being forced to wait to leave? shit sucks. if anything enforcing a wait period would make people even more eager to detach themselves fully

scarfox has got to be one of the saddest cs stories so far. it was never perfect but instead of being made better it was just twisted and mangled into a sad heap by one delusional idiot that can't even wipe their own ass

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello. How are you feeling? I hope you're doing well and keeping safe. And not working too hard. I hope you had an excellent and spectacular day. You of all people deserve it sooo much. Now that the very important questions are asked,I would like to say some things which randomly come in my brain and because I'm incapable of keeping my thoughts to myself. I have to make it everybody's business. Now, since you love lists and a list would make this simpler, here goes:

Have you ever wondered about Magnus's birth name? Like, do you want it to be revealed,or should it remain a mystery. I personally want it to be revealed.

2. Now, talking about TEC, what do you think about a Clockwork Princess style epilogue for Tbvotd? Like, we'll get that closure about Malec's relationship ( And cry buckets of tears). How Alec died, when he died,about the extended family etc. (Although the Lbaf gang is canon for me. You have made it so perfectly. That was a compliment btw. You should take it,and not be a Modest Magnus™)

3. Note: This one is not me asking your opinion, it's stating mine. I think one underrated Malec phase is the post Cohf malec. Like it wasn't explored upon. And it could have been really great if we did get content on it. Like,their first date after the break up,how both of them would have been nervous as hell. Alec wants it to go perfectly because he doesn't want Magnus to second guess the decision of getting back together. Magnus because he doesn't want Alec to think he made a mistake by accepting him and his past. Then,their first time after. Then the discussion of Alec moving in. Then being softly hesitant and then slowly becoming absolutely sure about their relationship and each other's feelings about them. There was just so much lost potential. CC should have given us something.

4. An AU that came in my mind. Malec are high school sweethearts. They actually knew each other from childhood. They were best friends before dating. Tmi gang is like the elite group in high school. They are very popular. Now,the angsty part. Alec's parents are politicians. They accepted him being gay but they were against him dating Magnus because he has a background (like him killing his stepfather and his mom committing suicide. And his birth father being MIA) which will not be good for someone who's going to be a politician. So, Alec's parents try to dissuade him from dating him,but Alec is adamant. So,Parents and Alec make a deal. Alec gets to date Magnus until graduation. After graduation,he can't date him anymore. Alec agrees, thinking his parents will see reason when they see him happy with Magnus. he doesn't tell Magnus about it. Izzy and Jace know about it and tell him to tell Magnus but he doesn't listen. Comes graduation day. Happiest day of Magnus's life. Because he's proud of how far he's come. Alec arrives late at graduation,and seems very miserable. Magnus asks him what's wrong. Alec tells him he has to break up with him. Magnus doesn't believe him and asks for the reason. Alec tells him about the deal. Magnus feels very betrayed and says Alec has been lying to him the entire time. Alec tries to explain and say his feelings were real and he wasn't playing around with Magnus. Magnus is heartbroken so he doesn't listen. Izzy and Jace come in. So do Simon and Clary. Magnus finds out all of them knew about the deal.(since Iz&J told Si& Clary). magnus thinks everyone betrayed him. he leaves with one parting line to Alec-. THANK you Alexander. Thank you for making what was supposed to be one of my happiest days into one of the saddest. He leaves. They try to track Magnus but he's off the grid. Alec accepts that he's gone. After 5 Years. Alec is a politician. Clace and Dizzy are thriving at life. They travel to LA (or any other place which is not NY) they see Magnus there. He has a new friend group. He's a hotshot lawyer. they're shock because he always wanted to be a photographer.

I can't think anymore.you add your details

I have wondered! I actually mention it one of my ongoing fics hehe. But I like mysteries so I don't want to know what it is. I like the name Magnus way too much 🥺

Thank you for the compliment, bebe. I think we're very unlikely o get that kind of closure for malec or any of the characters. There is a popular theory that TWP might end with clace wedding and since TBVOTD is released before that (IF I AM NOT WRONG) i think cassie won't write anything that will spoil the rest of the books.

I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH. And yes! So true! Getting back together after a break up is to tricky and I too would have loved to know how they navigated it. I really liked your ideas about it! Maybe you should write a one shot about it ;)

OKAY BUT YOU DEFINITELY HAVE TO WRITE THIS? HIGH SCHOOL ANGST HITS DIFFERENT I NEED THIS FIC SO BAD DO IT BRO WRITE IT PLEASE!!!!

ps - but seriously though these ideas are so fucking good i would love to read snippets or even MULTI CHAPTER FICS if you want to explore these ideas 💚

[coffeishowifunction]

I am aware that people probably dont care but I said I would so here it is you guys!

I went to a disco a bit over a week ago and I am going to walk you through the joys of it. So I think I got home at around 5 and we (the friend I was going with) decided we'd do our own thing food wise. I got dinner and then at around 6 she got to my place, now when I tell you that she can do the most breathtaking things with her makeup so she looked like a godess. We got into our lovely, lovely dresses (I have always been more into jeans but .....I'm also a very vain individual so seeing myself in a dress for the first time in months was exciting I wont lie)

And as controversial as it is I am a clothes, makeup, hair kinda gal so thats the order I worked in. Now my original plan was mascara and lipgloss (Ellie didnt like that) so I was sat down in a chair and she did eyeshadow and bronzer. Dont quote me but i looked pretty when she was done so i dont mind.

As I mentioned I am vainnnnnn! And I have no issue admitting that we (Ellie and I lol) looked gorgeous.

So we kinda just hung around for a bit and took a sinful amount of photos of ourselves lol (as I'm typing this I have noticed that it is 00:03 so happy Halloween everyone) and we left the house at like twenty past eight to arrive at nine.

I wont bore you with the specifics I think we all know discos are loud lol. But I'll just summarise.

Straight away we met four of my best friends who I havent seen in weeks and I had an AMAZING night (lots of dancing lots of singing). To be honest I lost the plot a bit. ALL my friends have videos of me dancing to Miley Cyrus like there wouldnt be a tomorrow lmao. But whats a high achieving eldest daughter going to do except where a crazy short dress and dance till well past midnight. Everyone deserves to let loose you guys even if its once in a blue moon.

NOW I will make myself very clear there was no funny business on my watch. Zero. Again I am too vain for my own good so I will say that....there was some offers "Sorry I'm with friends" they all got the same answer. I will hold your purse and root you on, I will help you fix your lipstick and hair. But no way will anyone do the same for me, nope. Sorry not sorry.

I have been asked if I'm afraid videos might resurface when I run for president. The saddest part is the fact that my answer is yes. Hell yes I am. He was joking but seriously, I dont WANT to be President but sometimes how obsessed I am with all things being right or winning scares me and careers have been ruined.

Anyhow. Just to wrap up we left at i think half twelve I couldnt hear or speak a word. My legs were killing me (dancing queen much) but shoutout to Ellie's mum. She somehow found us a place that was selling pizza and cookies at one in the morning. So I wrapped up the night on Ellies couch with a dozen cookies a Coke Zero and the Beckham documentary.

And it was nice to know that I can step out of my comfort zone if I ever want to lol.

Happy Halloween you guys.! Nightt.

[westerlywhining]

1. insecurity.

i feel small right now in this big world. i always assumed i'd be left out. my loved ones are starting to spread their wings. and though i have spread my wings three years ago, I've been here ever since and i did not budge.

my childhood home feels lonely now that my siblings are working and doing their own thing. they dont really come home that often.

i have a lover. who lives miles away. he has a job and it sometimes makes me feel lonely. the only time we ever talk is late at night and then we say bye at 9 PM. usually 10 if I am lucky.

i feel insecure lately. about other people's achievements. i've always wanted to leave home for some time now but i guess my sibling beat me up to it. i dont want leave my mom alone. but i also want to explore and spread my wings in the outside world.

i feel small, really. the bus ride to work is where i get the saddest. the bus ride reminds me how i could go further but then, i stop at the workplace and think, oh, this is where ive always been. i have not moved since. never upgraded since.

i feel lonely, a lot. and the only person i always talk to is busy now. my partner.

when i feel sad, he feels sleepy. and we dont have all night to talk about it. i dont directly go straight to the point with my problems. i feel like i am the least priority now because i know how to take care of myself. i feel sad and insecure at the same time.

i accidentally opened his messages. and i know it is bad of me to see what he is messaging other people. he offers a lot of support to other people. usually his relatives and friends. he's very open and supportive to them.

i should be happy, that my partner is doing his best to help other people, but there's always that dark lingering feeling inside my heart that i think he treats me same as he treats others.

he's available to other people. he tells his friends that they should go out somewhere, catch up and stuff. and i feel sad. that he gets to hang out with other people. he's a very sociable person.

i am not. i sometimes feel scorned with the presence of others. i am a cautious person. i tend to watch out what i say, and i get uncomfortable if i talk with friends for too long. i always want to go home.

its different for my partner. he loves to talk. he loves to socialize with people. he is available to anyone who needs his help and he's not shy to ask someone for help.

in that part, i feel insecure because i wanted him to rely on me and not on anyone. i feel like he's seeking attention from someone but that's just his nature. he's helpful. he always helps his peers.

maybe i am insecure because he has girl friends. he does have boy friends but i tend to focus on the girls.

i feel bad about having to see his messages and reading them. i feel bad about having to question his love for me when the only thing he's been doing is supporting me. and being thankful that i am there to support him.

i love him. but my thoughts really seep deep in to my head.

whenever he tells someone that he's going to listen when they have a problem, i feel jealous again. because if i share my problems, it sometimes turn into a fight because i blame him and i accuse him of things.

it should be done in a loving manner. pointing out wrongdoings of partner and how you both can correct it.

the distance made it harder.

i guess this is a reflection of how i am doing. i do not feel good. i am very sensitive. i cry at the littlest reasons.

i feel sorry for myself. i do. i sometimes think what it would be like to no just exist and the thought of death excites me cause then i wont be doing any earthly duties. i would be free from pain. from these thoughts.

i am very reliant. but i am also avoidant. i need help from others but i dont want to reach out. i want to feel that they really want to help or else i will feel a burden. or else i will feel that they are forced to help me just because. just because.

i am insecure. i portray myself prettily on social media. i post pretty photos. selfie shots. good memories. but behind it i am a mess.

i dont have friends. nor anyone who i can immediately go to. i live far away from them. i dont even go out. the only time i can go out is this. the school. and i feel very sad because i am here.

i am not feeling grateful. i wish i was in the city. i wish i lived closer to my boyfriend so then he could always come with me and i get to see him.

a lot of times, he invites his girl friends to go out with him because they live close and that's where i feel more sad. they get to see him immediately, whenever they can.

my boyfriend is open and honest about who he is with. he loves to go out. specially before, he exercises together with his boy neighbor. he really loves to socialize and i feel insecure.

because i dont. and i dont have anyone to hang out with except for him.

i feel insecure.

[evoanakin]

It would be so much easier right?

To go on with my life, find someone knew, start a new life, forget and move one. Clean-slate.

It was easy to find someone knew. I could’ve stayed with that person and just feel good about myself. Make her fall in love with me and eventually I would fall in love with her. Or i could just fuck around. Not feel anything for anyone.

But i didn’t choose that. I choose to be alone and not hurt other people or heal before I could ever love again. It’s not lonely cos I have my friends but most of the time I prefer it alone than hurting someone else. Thats why I ended it that phase. It was a good month. But every day I still think about my wife. Not a day that I wouldn’t. Thats why I picked the hard life. Being alone.

When divorce came up, I still want to work it with her to be honest. But it’s not easy. It won’t be easy right? People choose the easy way out cos they’re scared to be lonely. They’re want to “heal” in that way and just forget.

I tried so hard and so many times to fix my marriage. More times that I could count. Even as I am writing this I still texted her this song that reminded me of her. I watched the vow so many times and just be like Leo and just move on and just let her be. For sure in those moments and day he was like me. Crying. Drinking. Being busy with work. Hanging out with friends. Dating. Fucking. But the end of the night, he still wants his wife to beside him when he falls asleep and wakes up to her face. Thats me.

I wish she would just come to me and just say “I want to make this work”. Time can only heal all the pain I have been through. And in that time and space we’ll give each other without being totally separated. Thats we will still find our way back to each other. Work it out every chance we get. Try to work on ourselves separately and learn from our mistakes. But we still plan in our heads that we’ll get each other back. Marriage is about compromising. It’s about giving and understanding. It’s about being a team and working together. Building each other.

The thing is.. it’s just me. I can’t even go to her cos I don’t know what she would feel or say. I have been rejected by her so many times that I know it’s not right anymore for me to make any moves. I have not seen her any where or use any form of social media. Not even my friends or family would tell me anything about her. Cos i asked them not to. Cos I told myself I would never go back to that hole that made her call me so many things cos I know I am not that person. So I stayed away. My mind. My heart. My body. My eyes. They all stayed away. I felt as though if any part of me would see or hear anything of her, it would just all come back. It’s like I’m a recovering addict that as much as I could do, I’ll stay away from bad habits.

But it’s just me whos waiting every night for her. Every morning for her.

I know in my heart, she not coming for me.

I know in my mind, she doesn’t love me anymore.

But I still pray every night that she does and she will. That we’ll through it cos that how we are, we don’t give up on each other.. i know what you think, i am not loving myself if I do go back with her. No it’s not that. We still have to set our own boundaries and our own rules to respect and love each other in fixing things. If there is a will, there is a way. If people sit down and talk and willing to do whatever it takes to get that person back, nothing is impossible. But in a marriage; in any relationship.. it takes two.

For month I have been tangoing alone. I have been carrying our love. Been the only one trying.

It’s not easy for her too. I cause her so much pain. But she said once that I make her so so sad. I make her the saddest person in this world BUT I MAKE HER THE HAPPIEST TOO. So why would I give up if I can be the best in both worlds? Where I could make her more happy than sad? I would make it right.

Something in me wants to stop praying. Wants to stop hoping. Stop and just get on with the divorce. But thats just me..

It’s just me who chooses to get into the battle alone and fight for our marriage.. I choose the hard way to make it work not to kill it. But thats just me.

[thepoetcarpenter]

The Sunrise Through the Windshield

Is this photograph blurry? It is. In fact I even doubt you can make out what the image actually is. So as it often is in life, the future is also like this photograph. What I learn from the people around me is that very few people can plan out their life five years in advance, let alone their entire life. Then if we cannot see our life clearly ahead of us, then how can we be optimistic about our future. The way I see it is that that is exactly what hope is. 

I left high school leaving all the people I made friends with and the people I gotten to know during that time. As a young adult, you lack wisdom. You have not made many bravados in your short time on Earth to know how to navigate the intricacies of what life demands of you. Everyone wants to be successful. That is the dream of what I envisioned for myself as the eighteen year old leaving my past behind those school doors. I swore to myself that I will be successful in life. I planned my next five years in the classes of my high school. I will come back for a semester for some required courses so that I would not have to take them in university. I will work after that semester and once I get into university, I will make new friends. I will make the most out of my university education and find a great job in the business world. That is what I planned. And I planned my next five years and I failed.

Though I had all these plans made and committed to them what I lacked was hope. You can be the smartest person in the room and can think of all these great plans for the future, but if you lack hope, you will have nothing in the end.

So how do you avoid a life like mine where I spent the formative years of my adult life without hope. Looking back, I realised when I gave up on my past, I was also giving up on myself. Our past is a part of us, and to let go of it, is to let go of ourselves. Eventually I spiraled down the rabbit hole of hopelessness. What I should of done as the eighteen year old leaving high school was actually not plan for this great ambitious life after I graduate. In full clarity, that was the most idiotic thing that I as a foolish kid did. To dust off my shoulders from my past and to look forward. The reason is the experiences we had in the past should still be a part of us. Instead of throwing away all of the ugly stuffs you think you had, you should take them in and repair the broken. In full honesty I should of just taken the time off from work and school, and find myself instead of wandering lost in the years ahead. I had bestfriends that I shared moments and laughter with that I left behind. I ignored the friends that kept calling me and instead dwelled in my sorrow. 

What I should of done was to fix all the things that made me sad and broken in the first place. I should of tried to fix the problems I had at home and seek refuge in the people that were there in my life. I should of just enjoyed life. That would of been the best thing I could of done instead of going to business school to be this super successful person. If I have just done these things, my life would of worked out sooner rather than later. Once I was happy and lusted for life, then I could still go to university. It is never too late for that. In fact, it is never too late to focus on your education and future once you have got things sorted.

So then it begs to ask this question: how do we remain hopeful in difficult times? The answer is again the present is a gift. If we just focus on the things at hand and get them right then hope will arise by itself, from our own happiness. And that is the truth, when you are happy you are hopeful. I once read a quote underneath a girl's graduating photograph for the things she want to achieve in life: To be happy. I thought it was the saddest thing I read. But I was wrong. And now that I am older, it was actually a motto to live life by. And let say my five year plan actually panned out, that I have a very successful career making 80k a year. Would I be happy with all the money I was making right after university? No, ‘cause I would still have no hope.

So what am I trying to tell you, that just live a happy life then everything will work out? No. Life is a long journey. You are bound to face difficulties along the way. So fix them. Fix them and once you have done so, you can focus on the future. Whatever you do, do not discard any of them. They are a part of your life, and if you are throwing a part of your life away, you are willfully throwing yourself away.

So go and live your life. Make mistakes. Just as long as you get them right. And along the way hope is like the sunrise coming through your windshield, it is there as you continue to take the drive.

[cash4bees]

How I'm doing

So I barely know people on this platform any more, and twitter is bad for long-form stuff and I also barely know anyone on there either. But I just want to get my thoughts in order on how I'm doing, and post them in my favorite defunct comedy diary platform. I promise, this isn't super duper sad times the whole way through, in case you want to give it a read it's actually quite happy.

I've had a rough go of it for around four years, going back further than the pandemic by a while. Graduating college essentially meant hacking away my social tethers that weren't online, and everyone I had easy access to through the internet was, in contrast, busy with their IRL stuff. I had to essentially scrape by on one or two social activities in a week from 2017 to 2019. I grew apart from friendships I valued because I felt every friendship drift away simultaneously. I remember that my therapist asked me to very simply rate my mood on given days out of a hundred and at about that time it was some of the absolute pits, barely reaching 30/100 on a good day. I had a roommate who's vibes spread to me and whose lack of cleanliness ethic put a lot of at-home burden on me, I had very little if any free time to myself, and all of my friends were either gone or still hanging out with each other at grad school an hour's drive away. I was lonelier than I'd ever been, and those rank among the saddest days of my life. I left tumblr entirely for a few months there, coinciding with the exodus in general, so there's not too many glimpses into my state of mind on this blog but trust me, it was bad.

The first big turnaround, late 2018, was joining a big discord server with some of the best friends I could've ended up making. If you're on that server (which is only one of my actual followers iirc, everyone else abandoned tumblr) you know how much you mean to me, and I'm grateful to you.

The second big turnaround was splitting up with my gf of several years who had moved in with me for 3 months. It wasn't all bad, but it would be a massive lie to say that the ease with which our close proximity fostered my partner's ongoing resentment of me wasn't a major factor in my lowest moods. It also left me with time to myself and more importantly, time with my friends who didn't live an hour away. It finally felt like I could have time to be myself, and to become myself. I think if you knew me then and now you can probably see a difference. I had a very brief and very healing relationship, only about two months, in the winter of 2019-2020. Low pressure, good fun, and with no resentment toward me building up at all. It was important for me to see a relationship work like that, the way it's intended. We held each other on a few great nights before parting ways with a smile on each of our faces. They weren't ready for anything longer-term with me and I was disappointed but able to accept that. Thanks, ####, I hope you're doing well wherever you are.

I met someone else just before lockdown, quite literally having the first date on leap day. He's not a partner because neither of us are looking for a partner in that sense, but he is a friend, and the best I could ask for. It's coming up on two years of friendship with each other and I honestly couldn't feel better about it. He's introduced me to new friends, people who so quickly became close to me that it felt like we were always going to be best friends. They're all a huge part of how I made it through quarantine.

That lasts for a whole two years, bringing us to now. I don't know what exactly flipped the switch: getting a pair of cats and feeling a need to get my life together for their sake, going fully remote and realizing I have the freedom I'd lost after graduation again, making friends with their lives together and being inspired by them, or some combination. I took a LOT of action.

I got back on medication for ADHD, allowing me to do stuff like type this post out. I earned a promotion at work after roughly two years of slogging through pandemic cutbacks and furlough. Most recently, and importantly, I made an offer on a house. Things are still up in the air but the momentum is unstoppable at this point. I am going to buy a house, and soon. No more doing dishes by hand in a 30 sqft kitchen in a one bedroom apartment in a silent suburb. No more driving on a highway to see friends in the city on the regular. Life is getting better by miles, not inches.

I want to thank everyone on here and elsewhere who's kept up with me and kept me going. Even the smallest things have helped, and if you took the time to read this, even the idea of you caring enough to do that keeps me going, accelerating even. I love you all and I hope I can pass some of that help you've given me back to you.

[n0wornever]

Remember Me - Luke Patterson x Reader

“So I have this idea where the reader died with the boys she's like their friend/fan/manager type stuff but like she has this crush on Luke since forever but never acted up on it and so when they met Julie and stuff the boys kind of neglect her because they were so focused on making the band and stuff and she also sees the chemistry between Luke and Julie. After that she went and met Willie where they talked about their unfinished business and like the reader knows her unfinished business and it's not Luke...”

So this is....the saddest piece I’ve ever written, sorry in advance

It had been about two months since Y/N and the boys were planted in Julie Molina’s life. In that short period of time, Luke, Alex, and Reggie were able to creatively connect with the girl and start to play music again. As much as she loved to watch the boys succeed, she couldn’t help but feel a pain in her chest.

As the boys grew closer to Julie, Y/N slipped into the background. Unable to contribute musically and her death making it impossible for her to help with the marketing piece she used to take on, she was often relegated to an audience member and cheerleader. She didn’t mind encouraging her boys, but she couldn’t help but feel like an outsider from the group.

As she sat on the white sand, she looked out at the open water, listening to water whip around. A jolt pushed her back a few feet, leaving her breathless. As she came back from the sudden pain, she thought about what Willie had said to Alex about completing their unfinished business. With the physical pain of whatever Caleb ejected into their system, and the hidden pain her chest, she was aware of the fact that she couldn’t last long. 

She knew she needed to talk to someone about it. Her best friend had been the one she turned to when she felt her lowest. She had hesitated to say anything to him before because looked so happy with this second chance. He was writing and singing again, and most importantly, he was smiling again. She had ignored the fast beating of her heart when he grabbed her hand in excitement over the Phantoms’ first gig and definitely ignored the ache in her chest when she saw the way that Julie and Luke sang with each other on the stage. However, she knew this feeling in her gut wouldn’t go away with her letting it build inside, so she was finally going to rip off that bandaid. 

She snapped her fingers and was instantly brought back to the garage. She looked around the garage and didn’t see anyone initially. As she waited, she started to hear the muffled sound of voices outside the door. She walked over, opening the door a crack and peeking outside. She saw Luke and Julie, a soft smile across his face as he looked at her. One she once thought was reserved for her. She swallowed hard as she listened.

“Julie, you’re incredible, please talk to me. You know that you can tell me anything, right?” 

The girl looked up at him with wide eyes and a sweet smile. They moved to try to connect hands, his slipping through hers. She turned to face the house and he smiled at her side profile.

“This is an interesting little relationship you and I have…”

Y/N felt tears bubble toward the surface as she watched the pure encounter in front of her. She had felt like she had been replaced for a while now, but this was the physical proof she was looking for. She slid the door closed and fell against it, letting silent tears fall from her face for a moment before snapping her fingers again.

She landed in the middle of the quiet dance floor of Caleb’s club. She heard the sound of tires wheeling toward her and turned to see Willie racing her way. He slid up to meet her, picking up his board in his hand and smiling at her.

“Y/N, what are you doing here?” 

She clutched her wrist in her opposite hand, refusing to meet his eyes. She felt his hand grab hers and she finally met his gaze, unable to stop the tears from flowing. 

“What’s going on?” He pressed, his eyebrows raised in concern. 

She let go of his hand and moved hers to wipe the tears away. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.” She shoved her hands in her pockets as she looked up at him. 

He sighed, leading her over to the table. He sat his board on the chair next to him and turned to face her. She took a deep breath before speaking again. 

“You know how you said that by completing your unfinished business you could pass on…”

“Uh-huh…” He said slowly, one eyebrow raising at her. 

She rubbed the back of her neck “I was wondering...how do you find out what that is exactly...to do that…”

“Y/N have you talked to the boys-”

She stopped him, holding a hand out to his face. “I am certain it doesn’t have anything to do with them.” He stared at her blankly “You know that. We talked about how their scheduled performance will probably be the anecdote for them. That won’t work for me… I need to do this alone” 

He nodded at her, waiting a moment before talking again “Okay, so let’s think about this…. Do you have anyone that you have unresolved issues with? Anyone that you might have left on bad terms with?”

She thought hard about this question. There were many people that she never received clarity from, but one stuck out. Her mom and her were never really on great terms. She remembered the last argument they had the last night before she left for the Sunset Curve show. Her mom had been frustrated with her slipping grades and her continued focus on the boys’ career instead of her own. 

What really broke her was her mom’s stance that Luke “wasn’t good enough for her” and that she was wasting her time on him. The screaming match that followed this comment had left Y/N’s face red and her heart racing as she screamed ‘I hate you’ at her mother and slammed the door as she left.

She regretted that the moment she said it. She knew her mom was just looking out for her, that she wanted the best for her daughter, and was genuinely worried about her. She knew she didn’t like Luke, but it wasn’t because she disliked him, she felt like the boy was leading her daughter on and didn’t want her heart to hurt anymore. Her mom was there the nights she cried when Luke would go on dates with other girls or when he would cancel plans last minute. Her mom would console her into the early hours of her morning. Although they didn’t always see eye to eye, her mom cared about her and loved her more than anyone she ever knew. 

She felt her chest get heavier the longer she thought about that moment. She met Willie’s eyes again, placing her hands on the table as she told him the story. 

“I think I know what I need to do, thanks, Wille.” 

The right side of his lips rose at her, grabbing her hands and squeezing them. “You sure that this is what you want?” 

She nodded, standing up. She wrapped the flannel she stole from Luke this morning and pulled it over her shoulders. The pair exchanged a hug and a last goodbye before she poofed out of the room. As she opened her eyes, she was met by a scene she was all too familiar with. The tree was already decorated for the Christmas holiday, the dining room set the way her mom always did even though they rarely ate there. She walked forward, entering the living room. That is when she saw her, she almost cried at the sight of the grey-haired woman, knitting in her favorite chair. As she approached her and watched her stoically watching the screen in front of her, she shook from the emotion that fell from her body. Y/N tried to wave her hand in front of her face, but the woman did not react to the movement. She watched her for another moment before she walked over to the table.

She saw the pen and notepad on the table and concentrated on them. She exhaled as she was able to hold the pen in her hand. She touched the notepad, pressing the ink to the page. The words flew like water from her as the pen hit the paper. She got to the end and thought carefully before she wrote “Your Sunshine” at the end in neat cursive. She ripped the paper from the rest and folded into a perfect square. She held it up to her and kissed it gently. She walked to the kitchen, placing the note next to the coffee machine that she’d know the woman would eventually wander to. She looked around the room one more time before stepping through the back door. 

She sat down on the outside steps and took a deep breath. She rested her elbows on her knees and brought her hands up to cover her face. She finally took a moment to let go, crying into her hands, the tears collecting in her palm. She knew that she couldn’t bear to evaporate into thin air or whatever would happen at her home. She felt like that would be like her mom losing her twice, even if she didn’t see her. 

She snapped her fingers and heard the familiar noise of the waves around her. She let her eyes set on the water furthest from her. Sitting in silence as the grey day consumed her. 

Later that night

Luke’s body drew a subtle hue as he hugged Julie, feeling the strength reenter his body after a near-death after their last performance. The band hugged each other closely, spinning around in a circle at the opportunity for another chance to be around each other. As they separated, Luke looked around the room with wide eyes.

“Hey, where’s Y/N, I know she’s not formally a part of the band...but maybe this will work for her too?”

He looked over to the chair where he normally found her reading and didn’t see her lamp on. He ran over to the other side of the room by the stereo and found nothing. He ran his fingers through his hair as he sprinted back over to his bandmates. 

He jogged back to his bandmates, scratching his head “Did she say she was going somewhere tonight?” 

Before any of them could answer, they heard the turn of wheels near the entrance of the garage. They turned to see the long-haired skater frantically trying to catch his breath. His eyes darted between all of the boys eyes before he met Luke’s, fighting the tears he already felt coming. 

“Willie, what’s going on?” Alex asked, approaching the boy.

Willie looked up at Alex with tears welling in the corners of his eyes. He bit down on his bottom lip before speaking to the group.

“She didn’t want me to tell you guys, but my heart can’t take you all not knowing. I think Y/N is gone.”

Luke scoffed, pointing at the empty room behind him “Yeah, I just tried to look for her-”

Wille interrupted him, swallowing hard “No...she’s gone gone.” 

Luke’s face moved to a scowl, approaching the man with his fists balled “What do you mean? What the hell did you do?”

Wille pressed backward, and Alex intervened, pushing against Luke’s chest to separate the boys. The skater put a hand on Alex’s shoulder and moved him out of the way to meet Luke’s angry expression again.

“I didn’t do anything. SHE came to me this afternoon and asked about completing unfinished business. She told me she had to do this. She said something about it being her last hope.” Luke felt his eyes fill with water. He turned away from the group and slammed his hand against the wall, knowing well that it would bruise his knuckles.  

He screamed out in anguish before moving back over to her seat on the couch. His bandmates watched as he terrorized the room, ripping papers and pushing over furniture. Willie moved forward to try to console him but Alex’s arm rose, blocking the boy from walking forward. Alex nodded at his bandmates and Willie, the four of them leaving the boy alone in the room. 

Luke noticed a neat little square of paper sitting on top of the last book she read. He picked it up and saw his name written in her perfect penmanship. he sat down in her chair and wiped his tears aways on his ruffled top, steadying his breathing before unraveling the piece of paper. 

“Luke,

I didn’t want to do this, but I think leaving will be the best thing for my heart. I hope that your work with Julie gives you and the boys the second chance that you all deserve. I have never been prouder of you and no one in this world and afterlife deserves another shot of happiness like you do. I hope Julie takes care of your heart because I know that you deserve so much love,  I hope she’s willing to give that to you for as long as she can. Thank you for being my first friend, my first ‘boss’, and....my first love. I hope you never forget me because I know that it will be very difficult for me to forget you.

Love,

Your Sugar, Y/N”

He didn’t notice that he was crying until a few rogue tears hit the paper, drenching the words. He read the words “first love” several more times before folding it back up into her perfect square. He brought the note up to his lips and kissed it gently before holding it to where his heart used to beat. He looked up at the ceiling and whispered “I love you so much, I’m so sorry Sugar” to the air around him, letting the tears continue to fall as he sat in silence.

.

.

.

.

Tag list: @xplrreylo​ @lovesanimals​, @anythingandeverythingfandom​, @crybabyddl​, @oswin05​, @joshy-obx​, @lukeys-giggle​, @bumbleberry-pie​ @kiss-themoongoodbye​  @marinettepotterandplagg​, @lolychu​, @bathtimejish​, @dasexydevitt13​ @musicconversedance​, @txrii​  @bestdressedandstressed​ @daisiesforlacey​  @epikskool​  @bookfrog247​ @carleywhittaker​ @princessvader15​ @rudysbay​ @spooky-season-bitch

[kimvvantae]

puzzle; 7 (m)

➜  you and jungkook are best friends of a lifetime, even though your personalities are like unmatching pieces of a puzzle. the line between friendship and something more has never been crossed between you two - but that changes after a break up and a drunken night, when you not-so-accidentally cross this line to something much more. what happens when after this accident your non-matching puzzle pieces seem to match in a way you’ve never imagined?

pairing: jungkook x (f) reader

genre: smut, angst, comedy; friends with benefits au; college au

warnings: lots of swearing, a little bit of violence

rating: 18+

word count: 12k

A/N: sweet jesus it’s been so long but it’s finally here! this is the last but one chapter of the series. i genuinely hope you guys enjoy it and i reeeeally want to know your thoughts on it! feel free to leave a comment! if you feel i’m deserving of it lmao

enjoy!

➜  Chapters: check up masterlist in bio!

« playlist »

[bby bear]: where are you???

[bby bear]: you'll get late for class 

[you]: i knoww

[you]: the traffic is so heavy today 🤦🤦

[bby bear]: you should have come w me 

[you]: i need to go to the bank

[you]: i told you

[bby bear]: i could have taken u theer

[bby bear]: there

[you]: 🥺🥺 next time i'll go w you i promise!!

[you]: but i'm close

[you]: i'll probably lose the first period tho

[bby bear]: 🤦

You shove the phone inside of your pocket when you notice the pedestrian sign is finally green. The crowd on both sides of the avenue rush, everyone on their fast pace as usual. You're even forced to push some people in order to walk by.

Getting to the other side of the street, you stop in front of the building.

Tall as fuck. That cool kind of building with mirrors all over it, where only cool people wearing cool suits walking around holding cups of coffee on one hand and phones on the other hand talking business language kind of people work at. 

You certainly don't work here. You definitely don't have any stuff to do here. You surely are not close to the campus and you will lose much more than just the first period.

Seulgi will most definitely punch your face when she finds out where you are and what you're about to do.

You confidently walk inside the building, pushing through its glass doors into the pristine, modern and gigantic main hall. Your black boots contrast with the high heels all the other women wear around you. So does the rest of your outfit. Mini skirts and oversized hoodies are not part of the dress code here. You can almost hear their minds asking, what is this person doing here? The clanck clanck sound of their heels clicking against the marble floor is somehow pleasing, though.

You stop in front of the reception counter. A pretty girl opens a crystal white smile to you. Her hair is tied tightly, her uniform was ironed to perfection. "Good morning. How can I help you?" She chirps happily. 

"Good morning. My name is Y/N. I'd like to talk to Irene."

The smile quickly falters.

The girl side eyes her colleague that sits by her side. "Hmm… unfortunately, Miss Irene does not receive visits," she says carefully, still trying to keep her smile. "You must be mistaken."

You can see this girl thinks you're crazy. You quickly realize that people usually don't come at the reception and simply say they want to talk to Irene. But, well, what else would you do? You have to announce your presence somehow. 

"Irene is waiting for me. You can call her and ask if you want," you insist. 

The receptionist looks pale for a moment.

Hesitantly, she takes the phone and dials a number. You can still see that the girl thinks you're lying; she's probably ready to call the security guards. During her quick talk on the phone, you notice she's not talking to Irene, but with her secretary. 

You also see the moment her eyes widen.

She hangs up the phone and stands up, smiling widely again.

"Miss Y/N, Irene is waiting for your arrival," she says, and you notice the slight tone of panic in her voice. "Please, accompany me."

All the other visitors have to show their identifications and take a quick picture on the reception, you notice, but the girl simply ignores this procedure with you, guiding you to the elevator instead. She explains the situation to the security guard and he lets you in. The receptionist still looks slightly panicked. She's probably scared that you'll complain how the receptionist was rude to me directly to Irene, but you won't. Poor girl was just doing her job.

The elevator is big, too. It has a panoramic view of the city as it goes up to one of the highest floors. 

You always thought Seulgi was overreacting when she said how bad she sometimes felt for dating Irene, but now you kind of understand her.

You knew Irene was rich. You can recognize a Gucci jacket when you see one, and you've seen Irene wearing plenty of these. But Irene always acted so normal. Sure, she was elegant - and sometimes even arrogant -, but she was still someone very pleasant to be around. She never looked disgusted to be in your tiny but comfy apartment, she never made faces when she'd sometimes wear some of Seulgi's or your clothes when she didn't bring any to spend the night, she never complained to eat the junk food you'd buy for dinner. She was just… chill.

Because of that, you'd forget that she's rich sometimes.

Being in this massive building where everyone acted as if she was a princess made you remember, though.

Irene is beyond rich. Your standard of "rich" used to be Joy: someone that has a cool, big house in a nice part of the city. Irene partially owns a fucking company. She's so chill that you never even bothered to Google the company's name; you did this today to get the address, and it only made you more shocked.

Seulgi must have felt overwhelmed many times in their relationship.

But you're sure she was much happier back then than she is now.

You're used to their drama. They were already dating when you first met Seulgi, and you saw this cycle repeating many times. This time, though, things are not happening as usual. Seulgi is the saddest you’ve ever seen in these almost three years of convivence. Right after they broke up, you thought she was just being dramatic as usual… now you see that it isn’t simple drama. She’s actually sad and has been in this state for months. She doesn’t go out anymore, stopped doing the things she liked… she even got tired of Netflix. That’s probably the most shocking fact of all. 

Jungkook said you shouldn’t get involved in this, but you’re tired of seeing your friend being so sad all the time.

Their breakup was messy this time. They didn’t talk properly, didn’t make things clear. Seulgi is too stubborn to make a move (she’s totally lethargic at this point, both physically and spiritually), and Irene also seems too stubborn. Since none of them has the balls to do anything, you finally decided to step up and take action.

(Funny how you thought Jimin was annoying for trying to push you and Jungkook together, but you’re doing the exact same thing right now).

Well, look, you’re not exactly trying to push them into each other. First, you want to know Irene’s feelings and opinions on this situation. If you see that she has really moved on from Seulgi, then you’re ready to give your friend all the comfort and support in the world so she finally moves on. If Irene shows you that she still has feelings for Seulgi… well…

The speed in which she replied to your DM is a strong indicative of that.

The way her eyes glint with undeniable hope when the elevator doors open and she greets you is another indicative.

Irene looks gorgeous as always; she’s like a human version of Snow White. It’s kind of funny to meet her in her office like this. She’s almost like a female and hotter version of Christian Grey. 

Her ways of greeting you are polite and… hesitant. You understand why. She probably doesn’t get what you’re doing here in the first place, what you want to talk about. Considering you’re Seulgi’s friend, she must think you’d be mad at her or something.

“Why didn’t you call me, Y/N? My guests never enter from the common hall.” she asked. Oh. Common hall is what that massive hall is called. Almost like peasants area.

“I didn’t know.” you simply say, shrugging. 

“I’m sorry that we’re meeting here at my workplace. It feels too profissional, doesn’t it?” she smiles sheepishly.

Well… it does. You don’t even feel comfortable enough to move around her great office, afraid that you’d accidentally break anything (you’re sure that every little piece in this room is much more expensive than you’d be able to afford). 

“Come on, let’s go to the cafeteria. I think it’ll be more comfortable to talk there.” she politely suggests, and you just agree with her.

Irene guides you around the halls. This floor is less crowded, since only Important People with Important Tasks work here - and she’s greeted by all of them as she passes by. Their eyes immediately float to you, and they were surely asking themselves why Princess Irene was being followed by this peasant. 

The cafeteria in question is as pretty and neatly clean as the rest of the building. Soft music plays from the speakers. Irene chooses a more private table by the windows and asks if you want to have breakfast; you politely decline and both of you end up ordering simple cups of coffee. 

An uncomfortable silence lingers in the air.

"I… have to confess that I got surprised when I saw your DM," Irene speaks softly. Her eyes are glued on her cup of coffee. "It's been a while."

"Yeah." 

"How are you doing?"

"I'm doing fine." a hundred different scenes pass on your head as she asks this, and you know that you feel anything but fine in the moment, but it's not as if you'll rant about your complicated love life right now. "But I'm sure you don't want to ask about me."

You see a shade of pink flush Irene's cheeks.

"Well… I don't think it would be right to ask about her." Irene says.

"Why not? It's not as if you didn't know I came here to talk about Seulgi."

"But she doesn't want to know about me."

You're left speechless for a few seconds.

It's funny to see the two sides of a breakup. Because of their stubborness, they became completely out of tune with each other. Irene thought that Seulgi didn't want to know about her, when you knew pretty damn well that Seulgi stalked her social media an unhealthy amount of times per day.

You cross your arms and lean your back on the chair. Irene looks hesitant, but you see she's eager to know whatever information you may have. That's not the behavior of someone that hates their ex.

"Can I ask you something?" you say. It's funny how Irene, the owner of pretty much everything around you, looks so cornered by you, her shoulders shrinking visibly. She nods softly. "Why did you guys break up? I mean, what's your side of the story?"

Irene sighs and passes her hand through her dark hair. She looks out the window. She doesn't seem irritated by your ask. She just seems… thoughtful.

It makes you realize that, perhaps, Seulgi's not the only one feeling broken here.

"We're… different." she starts quietly. "I have been trying to keep this relationship working for a long time, you know. Even though we argued a lot and disagreed about many things. But…" Irene sighs again. Sadness shadows her features. "It was getting hard. Seulgi never accepted my help. She knows that money is no problem for me, and I just wanted to help, but why did she act so angry every time I wanted to help you guys?"

Oh.

You don't miss the way she said "help you guys"; she must be talking about the times both of you were struggling to pay the rent. Oh God. You clearly see where their opinions diverge. Irene has always been rich; she saw money as something simple, giving money to others wasn't a big deal. Meanwhile, Seulgi must've felt dependent and it surely hurt her pride. Besides, there were enough people saying that Seulgi was only dating Irene to get money from her…

"And there's more." Irene's voice becomes quieter, more fragile. "My family, they're… very conservative. It was already hard enough for them to accept my sexuality. They never did, to be honest… but they particularly don't like Seulgi, because she's not, hm, on my "social level", as they like to say."

Ooh.

This is more complicated. Seulgi doesn't know what it feels like; her family is very open minded. She told you that, in the beginning, her parents were shocked when she told them that she also liked girls, but they slowly accepted it. Irene, on the other hand… 

"They keep saying that my relationship with her will be bad for the company." She confesses. "They said they'd even accept my relationship, as long as we dated in secret."

"What?!" you gasp. "This is disgusting!"

"I know." Irene nods, eyes focused on the mug between her hands. You have the impression that you see tears welling up on her eyes, but she blinks rapidly to dissipate them. "I… I was willing to go against them, because if they don't accept my relationship, then they don't accept who I am. But… I don't know if it's worth doing this if I'm not sure if Seulgi feels the same about me."

Ouch.

You remembered the night when they broke up. Seulgi came to you, crying, and said that she was tired of being with someone that wasn't brave enough to accept her.

Seulgi, my dear… you know nothing.

You can see that to go against her parents isn't as simple as it sounds. To Irene, going against her family involves reputation, money, and the company itself. It's definitely a big deal. Seulgi didn't understand how serious it is.

And Irene is willing to take this big step for her.

It's your time to sigh. 

"Irene." you lean closer, staring at her seriously. "Do you still love Seulgi?"

She blinks at your direct question. Irene looks down, gulps… and nods.

"I do love her."

You can't hear any hint of doubt on her voice.

That's what you wanted to hear.

"She's not okay." You blurt out the truth. Irene widens her eyes softly and looks at you. You see guilt on her eyes as she hears this. "I came here because I'm worried about her. She doesn't act like herself anymore. She even got tired of Netflix."

Irene widens her eyes in shock. "She stopped watching Netflix?!"

"Yes." You nod seriously. "And she still loves you, too."

Irene freezes when you say this.

Now, you're sure of the tears welling up on her eyes.

"I…" she stutters, unable to form a coherent sentence. "A-Are you sure?"

You can't help but giggle at her; Irene looks shy, almost like a teenager - scared and excited to know that her crush likes her back. You feel your own heart warming up at the sight.

"Of course I'm sure."

A smile wants to make its way up to her lips. "B-But what do I do? I can't just walk up to her like this. I don't want to start another fight…"

"Irene, believe me. Seulgi will listen to anything you have to say, as long as you're being honest. Tell her about the situation with your family. Prove to her that you're willing to stand for her. I mean, if you're still willing to…"

"I am!" Irene exclaims in a heartbeat. "I am. As long as she's with me, I feel like I can do anything."

You feel yourself smiling. Irene's eyes are shining like diamonds.

"But you also have to try to understand her." You say seriously. "Seulgi is not wrong for wanting to be independent. She's finishing her studies, she wants to build a career for herself, and she wants her own money. I know you're trying to help, but you have to respect her. Also, I'm sure she doesn't want to be a burden for you."

Irene nods vehemently. "Okay. You're right. I get it."

She doesn't hold her smile back anymore as a tear rolls down her cheek. She looks so immensely happy… it's a delightful sight. And you can't help but feel happy too, because right now, more than ever, you see that Seulgi found something rare and precious in this world.

True love.

And this fact itself is enough to make you feel that coming here was worth it - even though Seulgi might want to kill you afterwards.

"But hey, Irene," you call her seriously again. "I'm doing all this because both of you stupid asses couldn't, but if you make Seulgi cry again, I will kill you. I know where you work now."

Irene laughs at your very serious threat. She leans forward and holds both of your hands. "Y/N, thank you so much for telling me all this. I will forever be grateful. If you need anything- and I mean anything- I will help you, okay? Anything!"

"Alright, alright," you say, shrugging, the slight thought that a millionaire owns you a favor sounding nice. "Now, you better go talk to Seulgi. I can't stand her walking around the living room looking like a zombie anymore." Irene laughs softly. "And… I said I wasn't hungry, but now I kind of want that waffle."

Seulgi looks like a very grumpy zombie when you meet her in the corridor.

"Where the hell were you?!" Seulgi exclaims. "It's noon!"

"Yeah, I know." you shrug. "The bank was pretty crowded."

Seulgi narrows her eyes. Her hair looks messy even though it's tied up and she has bags underneath her eyes. She's wearing the top of her old orange pajamas. It has an old kitchen oil stain over the chest. Seulgi from months ago would rarely go out looking like this. 

"What the hell did you need to do there anyway? I didn't even know people still go to banks." She whines. "I was getting worried, you know?"

You walk down the corridor with your hands behind your back. You're glad Seulgi is too grumpy to notice the sly smirk on your lips, the way you kind of bounce by her side in expectation.

"Always so thoughtful, Seul. You're so cute, did you know that?"

She side eyes you, the frown deepening. "Why are you complimenting me?"

"What's the problem with complimenting you?"

"Whenever you compliment me it means either you want something or you did something that you know will piss me off."

Sometimes you forget how well Seulgi knows you. 

"Jesus, you're too stressed, girl. I'll pay you lunch, okay? Let's eat at that Italian restaurant you like."

"When you offer yourself to pay for stuff it also means that-"

Seulgi stops in her tracks, completely frozen.

"Irene?"

You step back silently and hold your breath.

This is the moment that might end your friendship with Seulgi if it goes bad.

Irene seems to be holding her breath as well, her eyes round - scared, hesitant, hopeful. 

And they stand there, looking at each other. As if time has slowed down. As if there was no one else besides them in the busy corridor.

If this was a drama, you imagined that the romantic soundtrack would kick in now.

"Hi, Seulgi." Irene says softly. "It's… it's been a while."

It seems that Seulgi's brain is struggling to function. "What… what are you doing here?" the fact that she does not sound defensive or aggressive but genuinely surprised and confused relieves your chest. 

"I came here to talk." Irene says. "Just… just talk. But if you want me to go…"

"No." Seulgi interrupts her embarrassingly too fast. "It's alright. We… we can talk. Just talk."

Their eyes are gleaming and the ghost of smiles appear on their lips.

Your chest fills with triumph as you silently walk back. Not that either of them would even notice you anyway.

You're too far to hear what they're saying now, their soft voices drowning in the middle of the many more people walking around the corridor, but you still kind of hide inside an empty classroom, half of your body peeking outside of the door to watch them. They're talking and smiling timidly. You feel tempted to take some photos, but it's better not to. You kind of feel like an intruder watching them, even if you're this far-

"What are you doing?" 

You almost feel your spirit jumping out of your body when the male voice asks dangerously close to your ear, turning around in a jump to see the source.

Now you don't know if your heart is beating so ridiculously fast because of the scare of because of the view in front of you.

Jungkook looks down at you with a puzzled expression, his hands behind his back, his body slightly leaning on your direction. He's wearing a modern grey hanbok over a black t-shirt and slippers. His backpack hangs from one shoulder. His hair is half tied up in a small bun, curly bangs falling over his eyes. This is precisely what makes your heart almost fail. You've been wondering how he would look like with his hair tied up ever since he decided to let it grow…

He's got no business looking this good. No. Fucking. Business.

But you're a master of pretending you're unbothered, so you just point ahead at their direction with an excited smile. Jungkook's eyes look up to where you're pointing and his eyes widen.

"Oh!" Almost instantly, he kind of hides behind you as well. It's hard to ignore the warmth of his body on your back, even though he isn't close enough to touch you. "Did they make up? Are they dating again?" 

"I hope they will." it's weird how you're both speaking so low, as if they could possibly hear you over the loud chatter. 

"What if they start fighting?" 

"Don't even say that! I put my friendship with Seulgi at risk to get these two to talk!"

You turn your head in time to see Jungkook's eyes frowning as he realizes what's going on.

"It was you?"

"Of course it was."

He crosses his arms over his broad chest and shakes his head slowly in disapproval. "You said you wouldn't get involved!"

"I never said I wasn't going to get involved." you bat your lashes prettily at him, trying to give your best innocent look (unsuccessfully). 

"You damn gremlin."

You whack his chest. "Aw, come on! Just look at them and tell me it isn't working!"

Both of you look ahead again to see them smiling sweetly at each other as they talk. You bounce and giggle excitedly like a little kid. "Look, look! She's blushing!"

Jungkook tilts his head to the side. "But what about Jennie?"

"Oh, Irene and Jennie went out on dates, but it didn't work out in the end. They're just friends." you repeat the exact same words Irene told you earlier. 

"Are you sure?"

"Well, if she cheats on Seulgi, I'll kill her."

You watch as they slowly start to walk away side by side, heading towards the exit.

You jump out of your "hideout" and open your arms in triumph. "I did great this time, didn't I?!"

Jungkook chuckles and leans on the doorway, arms crossed. "Whatever you say."

You're an expert at acting unbothered, but right now it's really hard to do so when he looks at you this way.

He has a pretty lazy smile on his lips. It makes you feel hot inside and your stomach jumps and your heart races. His gaze is intense… but not in the way you're used to. That look isn't his I want to fuck kind of look, it's… it's… shit, you don't know what that means, but it's pretty intense. Why is he looking at you like that?

You just hope he doesn't notice how your legs are wobbly.

It's the first time you see him in person since two days ago, when he slept at your house. Two days after you had sex even though you said you wouldn't. You didn't talk properly about what happened there. To be honest, your brain still didn't process that well. 

Things are awkward between you two - but this time it's a different kind of awkward. A type of awkward that made your cheeks burn while you cleaned yourself and got dressed. A type of awkward that made you feel all fuzzy and warm inside, that made a silly smile grow on your lips every time your eyes crossed his from the other side of the living room, an awkwardness that forced you both to look away and try to pretend your cheeks weren't aching from the damn smile that didn't want to go away. A type of awkward that didn't let you talk about what happened - as if none of you wanted to talk about it, to just keep it engraved in your minds forever, as if talking about it would take all the magic of the moment away.

You don't hate this type of awkward. 

It's not uncomfortable. Not like what has been happening for the past months. Yet, you feel that you need to talk about it - to sort things out clearly and straightforwardly this time… because if the way he's looking at you means anything, then maybe… just maybe…

"I've got good news." Jungkook says suddenly (because he noticed that you've been staring at each other for far too long to not be embarrassing anymore). 

"What?" you fiddle with your own fingers, trying to ease the tension.

"Remember that director I told you about? Mr. Choi?" You nod. "He invited me to work with him."

Your jaw drops, your eyes widen. "What? Are you serious?!"

Jungkook nods excitedly. "Yeah. Well, I'll be like the assistant of the assistant, to be honest, but… he invited me to work with him on his next project. I'll gain some real experience, at least…"

"Are you kidding? This is great, Kook! What the fuck!"

You jump over to hug him, your arms dropping around his shoulders, and Jungkook quickly hugs you back. His low excited giggle right next to your ear makes goosebumps crawl on your skin. 

"I'm so fucking proud of you!" And you couldn't be more honest. Jungkook has always been so  hardworking; he deserves all the success and recognition in the world. You always thought so.

"Thank you," his voice is still low and excited.

He caresses your back. It makes yet more goosebumps crawl on your skin. 

Oh, God. He still smells like baby powder. He always does. You feel tempted to sniff the crook of his neck, just to take a little bit more of his scent, but you hold yourself back. It's not like hugging Jungkook is something new to you. Fuck, after everything you've done, hugging should feel like nothing. But for some reason… hugging him right now feels like a lot.

Feels awkward.

So awkward that you have to remind yourself that you're in the middle of a corridor full of people, and that this hug is taking way too long, so you step back before your brain completely malfunctions. 

"A-And," you clear your throat and put a strand of hair behind your ear, furiously avoiding his gaze. You never thought that Jungkook would make you feel shy like this. Shy and Y/N shouldn’t make sense in the same sentence. "When is this next project?"

"In two days. I think he decided to put me on the crew last minute."

"This means that he really trusts you."

Jungkook smiles sheepishly and massages the back of his neck. "I just hope I won't mess things up."

"You'll do great, Kook. You always do."

He lifts his gaze to you again.

That same look again.

You feel that everything is blurred except him again. No one else is in that corridor. No loud chatter. Just him and his starry eyes, looking back at you, eyes that smile as much as his lips.

God.

You need to sort things out.

You can't just stare at him with heart eyes like this anymore. You need to talk about what happened. This conversation feels awkward because you're both trying to act normal, pretending that there isn't a fucking elephant in the room - an elephant that makes you think of a mattress in the middle of your living room, of sunrays touching his exposed skin, of old pajamas being thrown around and sweat and soft kisses and salty tears dripping down your temples.

You need to know if he also felt that that morning was different. You need to know if he feels the same. Even if he doesn't - even if his heart lays with Yeri or Joy or whoever it might be - you need to know, and you don't care about what the outcome might be. You just can't torture yourself like this anymore.

So you inhale and gulp.

"Jungkook, I was thinking… are you busy after classes?" you ask timidly.

He presses his lips together. "Actually, I am. The boys and I are planning to celebrate the end of the semester tonight."

Mission abort! Mission abort!!

"Why?"

"Oh- it's nothing. I was just…" you can't think of any excuse. "It's not that important anyway. Forget it."

Jungkook looks at you with suspicion. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah! I'm sure. Nevermind."

He still stares at you for a while, frowning. 

"You wanna come with us?"

"No!" you shake your hands dismissively. You're not having this super important conversation surrounded by all of his friends. "I'm just gonna bother you guys. It's fine, Jungkook. Enjoy your night." 

Jungkook shrugs. He takes his phone from his back pocket for a moment. "Well, I gotta go. I promised I'd pay Jimin lunch."

"Alright."

You start to walk in opposite directions.

“But we can meet tomorrow, right?” You turn around way too fast when you hear Jungkook say, a few steps away from you. He looks hesitant, an awkward little smile on his lips. “I have some stuff to do, but we can see each other at night. After I finish preparing my stuff. We could meet, right?” He visibly starts to look more and more awkward as he speaks. As if his confidence started to vanish. It’s kind of adorable. “You could come to my place. O-Or I could go to yours, I don’t care- I mean, can I?”

Your heart is bouncing crazily inside of you. You don’t notice how you’re mirroring his awkward smile. “Of course, Kook. When did you ever need permission to go to my apartment?”

Jungkook frowns as if he just realized how stupid his ask was. “Guess you’re right. Or maybe we could go out somewhere, right? It’s been a while since we went out, the two of us.”

He’s right. All you’ve been doing for the past months is meet to have sex. You don’t even remember the last time you two did something that didn’t involve getting naked. 

“Sure, let’s go out.” 

You stare at each other for a few more awkward moments (awkward is a word you’ve been thinking a lot about lately). See, that’s not how things would go between you two back then. Neither of you ever needed to ask previously to go out. You’d just usually drag Jungkook out of his house by force when you deemed he hasn’t been taking enough sunlight (fucking Overwatch). Or Jungkook would call you at 3am because he was bored of playing Overwatch and just realized there was only expired milk and an empty box of cereal in the cabinets because the last time he and Jimin bought food was 2 weeks ago and he’d be like “hey, let’s go to Walmart” and you’d be like “what the fuck Jungkook it’s 3am” and he’d be like “but Jimin’s not home I need help” and you’d be like “fuck you” but twenty minutes later you’d both be on your pajamas pushing a cart inside of an empty Walmart as you barely register Jungkook ranting about how he thinks he’s lactose intolerant because he had diarrhea the last time he ate yogurt.

That’s kind of how things used to go back then.

At the same time you desperately want your relationship to go back to normal, you don’t really hate the way you’re feeling right now.

“Right, I gotta go.” Jungkook snaps out of it faster than you and nods. “I’ll text you later.”

“Okay.”

Again, you turn around and start to walk in opposite directions. Slowly. Hesitantly. Because both of you know you don't want to go. Both of you know you still have a lot to talk about.

But maybe later.

[bby bear]: i kinda want to kill you rn but

[bby bear]: thank u so fcking much

[bby bear]: ily

[bby bear]: bitch

You're smiling so hard that your cheeks might probably start to ache. If Seulgi texted you this, it means things went really well with Irene. 

The chatter in the dining hall is nothing but background noise on your ears as you scroll down your boring Instagram feed, the plate just half eaten in front of you. You’re not really hungry. Maybe the stress of studying for finals messed your stomach. The hell’s finally over, at least, and you’re sure that your grades won’t be that bad (Seulgi didn’t want to do anything, but you at least convinced her to study with you. That’s the only thing that got her out of her bedroom. Her zombie state was kinda the reason why you studied so hard). 

Some text notifications pop on your screen, but you just swipe them away since none of them are from the person you’re waiting for. All of your friends are planning to go out tonight and some of them are asking if you want to go. No, you don’t. Honestly, you’ve not been feeling yourself these days. Past you would always be up to a party. Past you wouldn’t be having lunch alone in the dining hall - honestly though, you don’t even mind being by yourself. Nothing would make you feel emptier right now than being surrounded by random people. Just one person matters at the moment-

“Hi.”

You almost drop the phone inside the plate when you look up to see who just sat in front of you.

Joy.

Your throat feels suddenly bitter. You have to gulp.

“Jesus, I didn’t even notice you come,” you inhale and chuckle. “How you doing, Joy?”

Joy smiles. “I’m fine.”

She’s lying.

There’s something in the way she looks at you and in the way her smile looks plastic-fake that makes you shiver.

It makes you think that she didn’t even want to be here.

Well, you don’t know about her, but you certainly feel uncomfortable right now. You can’t lie that you’ve been feeling kind of guilty these days because you’ve been fucking the guy she likes in secret, but a big fat load of guilt hit you especially after two days ago. Joy went on a date with Jungkook and barely a few hours later you had him inside of you. And, of course, you had rough sex with him inside of her bathroom. All the while you knew Joy liked him and encouraged her to be with him-

Wow, it’s getting hard to look at her right now. 

You really are a bitch. In the beginning you didn’t feel bad because you stupidly assumed there weren’t feelings involved. It was just friends with benefits, right? You even agreed that you could have sex with other people. If Jungkook started dating Joy, of course you’d stop doing it. Also, there was nothing between you two. You didn’t even feel jealousy.

Things changed, though, and at some point you genuinely started to hate this poor girl for breathing around Jungkook. And now you feel guilty because you realized that you like the guy that she told you she had a crush on months ago.

I took a shower this morning, so why do I feel so dirty right now?

A shiver runs down your spine.

The way she’s looking at you… what if she knows-?

“I’m throwing a party tonight,” she says suddenly. “To celebrate the end of the semester. You wanna come?”

You’ve been fucking the guy she likes for months and there she is, being nice and inviting you to her party. You really are a fake ass bitch-

“O-Oh.” You rub the back of your neck. “I, uhm… thanks, Joy, but I’m not feeling very well today. I just feel like sleeping, to be honest.” You chuckle sheepishly again. 

Joy nods. “Alright.”

She doesn’t insist. It looks like she doesn’t even care. As if she’s just being polite.

In fact, it kind of looks that she’s relieved that you said no-

“So, how was your date with Taehyung?” She changes the topic quickly. “We didn’t even talk about it.”

Right. She’s talking about the person you don’t even want to think about because there’s only so much guilt one person can feel at once. 

“It was fun.” You say. “We had a lot of fun.”

It sounds stupid, the way you can’t even articulate your date with him. You’re not lying - you had fun… kind of. 

“Are you dating him now?”

Okay, this is getting strange. Not the question, but the way she asked. You’re 100% sure she’s annoyed by something, and honestly looks uninterested in your current state with Taehyung right now, so why is she asking anyway? 

“No, we’re not.” You admit. 

Joy stares at you in silence as if she’s waiting for you to say something more, but you say nothing else. Joy then nods. This is getting very uncomfortable.

You feel that she’s about to leave, so you pick up the courage to speak again. She touched this topic anyway.

You know it’s wrong to ask. You shouldn’t. But you’re so curious that you can’t help.

“A-And, uhm… what about you and Jungkook? How was your date?” you try so hard to pretend you’re not dying curious to know.

Joy stares at you in silence again. She isn’t smiling.

“He didn’t tell you?”

What? Is there something to tell?!

“No. Jungkook’s kinda private about this type of thing,” you’re lying, of course, because even if Jungkook didn’t want to, you’d usually annoy him with questions about his dates so hard that he’d end up telling everything that happened.

Joy looks away and quirks one eyebrow. “Oh. I assumed he would have since you guys are so close.”

The way she says so close bothers you.

It’s her turn to rub the back of her neck, her eyes glued on the table - only she doesn’t look nervous. Yeah, she’s annoyed. Joy takes so long to talk that you’re about to repeat your question, but she finally speaks:

“We also had fun. Jungkook really is a sweet guy, right? He did nothing wrong. He’s so polite that it ended up annoying me, honestly. More polite than I would have wanted him to be…” Hah, so they didn’t fuck! Great! “Well, he dropped me home and I invited him to spend the night and all, but… He was very polite. He apologized a lot and said that he couldn’t stay…”

Joy licks her lips. Why the dramatic pause? Say it already, come on!

“He’s also a very honest guy, right?” She chuckled, but she clearly didn’t think it was funny. “He said that he thought I was an amazing person, but things wouldn’t go further than this because…”

For the first time, Joy lifts her gaze and looks at you.

“Because he already had feelings for someone else.”

You’re honestly not breathing anymore.

Joy is watching you very carefully. You’re as stiff as a board.

“Not a fun way to finish a date, right?” She says and chuckles, again, it’s clear she isn’t happy at all. “Anyways, I have to go now. Bye.” 

She gets up and walks away before you can even say anything, as if this conversation was being unbearable for her.

Meanwhile, you just sit there. Frozen. Breathless.

He said things wouldn’t go further than this.

Your throat feels very dry out of sudden. Very, very dry and coarse, as if you’ve eaten sand. 

Because…

You take the water bottle from over the table and drink it in one big, big gulp, until the bottle is empty and your shaking fingers crushed the fragile pet bottle.

He already had feelings for someone else.

You get up and take the tray so fast that you almost drop everything.

Your movements are fast as you walk out of the busy dining hall, your heart beating loudly on your ribcage, your breathing irregular and your mind working at 200 km/h.

He already had feelings for someone else.

He told Joy this. He dropped her home and told her the truth. He apologized. He… he said he already had feelings for someone else. Jesus Christ. Your heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s going to stop anytime soon.

He- He-

He might be talking about Yeri, a little, hesitant voice inside your mind whispers. Well… sure. You’ve been suspecting it for a good while. But… after Jungkook dropped Joy home and said this he-

He went to your apartment.

He went to you.

You feel the need to stop walking and lean on the corridor’s wall. The world around you is blurred.

What is this feeling bubbling up in your chest? A feeling so strong that it’s almost spilling over? This thing that makes you open the widest smile you ever opened and makes you want to jump around the corridor like crazy?

He came to me. He came to me. He came to me. He came to me.

He came to me!

But-

But there’s still the Yeri possibility. 

You need to know the truth. To hear him say it, and you can’t wait another day - not anymore.

You take your phone from your bag and type with shaking fingers.

[you]: hey

[you]: can we meet today?

[you]: i really need to talk to you

Jeon Jungkook is a simp. 

He doesn’t like this word. He thinks it’s annoying how people would call a guy a simp just because he’s treating a girl with minimal decency. 

But, like. He’s a simp. He knows he is. He took a long time to admit this, but lately his pride has been already so crushed and stepped on by a particular pair of feet that he can’t even bring himself to feel anything anymore.

Actually, no. He has been feeling like shit for a long time. It’s just the alcohol anesthetizing him right now.

That’s just his second bottle of beer and he already feels kind of dizzy. It’s been a while since he last drank alcohol, that’s probably why his resistance feels weak. He makes a mental reminder to not drink too much. Jungkook knows that he gets really talkative when he’s drunk and he always ends up saying stuff he shouldn’t - and today especially he can’t end up saying stuff he shouldn’t with that guy around.

If he knew Taehyung would be here too, Jungkook wouldn’t have come. Yes, he knows he’s being childish. He knows he’s angry at someone that didn’t do anything wrong, he knows that jealousy is bad, he knows that technically he is wrong because he’s been dicking down the girl that he knew his friend liked. He knows all that, alright?!

Jungkook throws his head back and sighs, passing his hand through his hair. A chilling night breeze touches his cheeks; since the inside of the bar was already full and they were too many, everyone decided to sit on the outside part of the bar. Jungkook hasn’t been paying attention to anything anyone around him was saying and neither was he interested. He thought that coming here would make him forget about the things that have been troubling him, but in the end he’s just thinking more about them.

I could excuse myself and go home. He thought. I have a lot of things to do anyway. I wouldn’t be lying.

He feels a hand rest on his shoulder and looks at Jimin, sitting on a chair by his side. The look on Jimin’s face already says everything. Jungkook sometimes thinks that Jimin has telepathic superpowers; how does he always know what’s going on before anyone even says anything?

“You alright?” Jimin asks in a low tone, careful not to call anyone’s attention. The younger one nods.

“Yeah.”

“You’re lying.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you drunk?”

“I’m not.” Jungkook reassures. 

Taehyung laughs loudly from across the table and both of them end up looking at him. Jimin looks back at Jungkook. 

Jimin sighs. “You know you can go home if you want to.”

“Yeah.”

Jimin rolls his eyes. “Just… don’t do anything stupid.”

Jungkook looks at Jimin and sips a bit more of the beer slowly.

“Yeah.”

Jimin smacks his shoulder and goes back to his previous conversation with Hoseok.

How Jimin always seems to know what’s going on… it annoys Jungkook a lot. He wasn’t supposed to know anything. It’s not like Jungkook told him about his feelings, Jimin just… realized. They were doing grocery shopping one day and Jungkook mentioned how last time he went to Walmart you told him that the diarrhea he had wasn’t because he was lactose intolerant but because the yogurt was expired and then Jimin turned around and simply said:

“You like her, right?”

And Jungkook gasped.

Jimin smirked knowingly and just kept pushing the cart. He said nothing else - but it was as if Jungkook had just confessed his deepest feelings right there.

This happened a little bit after Jungkook and Yeri broke up and kind of made him feel offended. How could Jimin say he liked you? He hadn’t even gotten over Yeri, Jimin knew very well. However, it seems that Jimin is not only a telepath, he can also see the future, because he couldn’t be more right.

If Jungkook’s being honest with himself, some months ago he wasn’t really really sure about what he felt about you. As the “Yeri” scar started to heal he got more aware of his own feelings and actions towards you, but it was hard to sort things out because he was always in denial. That desire to hold you close and hug you and take care of you and not let anyone hurt you anymore? Well, that was just his protective side. You have always been one of his dearest people. Jungkook also knew that he had a little possessive side. He was sure that this feeling would eventually vanish.

Maybe he was also frightened because he knew it wasn’t reciprocal. You never even looked at him in a way that might mean you felt something else for him. He wasn’t going to confess something he wasn’t sure of to someone that definitely didn’t feel anything for him and destroy a life-long friendship.

But oh boy, how things have changed.

They changed the moment you hopped on his lap that night inside his car. Jesus, that first week was hell for Jungkook. He was trying so, so hard to forget the messy drunken memories of his night with you - especially because, the moment he woke up and saw the pure face of terror on your face when you realized what just happened, he thought of how much you regretted that and all of his hopes died right there - the hopes that maybe, just maybe, you could be more than friends.

Yet, he got to taste you again. Two times were all it took to get him addicted.

He couldn’t stop anymore - and it hurt him much more than he would like to admit. He felt that he was being used, even though he let you do it (and he enjoyed it every time, not gonna lie). He felt worthless, he felt angry at himself because he couldn’t stop and because you were so, so fucking stupid, so fucking blind, he felt sad because he watched as your friendship started to slowly die down, and now he feels jealous and guilty because he’s been seeing how Taehyung likes you - how Taehyung even asked him advice to ask you out - and he didn’t stop fucking you anyway.

That day at Joy’s house? It was ridiculous. Jungkook still doesn’t understand what the fuck happened to him, why he felt so angry. Perhaps he was finally getting tired of how dumb you are, how you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. 

Just thinking about you hurts now. And Jungkook thinks about you a lot. There he is, surrounded by his friends, where he should be talking and having fun, but he’s too busy thinking about you. In two days he’ll start working for Mr. Choi, his first real job. He should be thinking about it. Not about you.

He can’t stop thinking about your flustered face.

You don’t look flustered that often. Especially not around him. 

He thinks this is very intriguing.

What hurt him the most in all this - the thing that made him feel like a piece of shit more than anything - is that he knows you too damn well and he knew that it was never special to you. To you it was just sex, it was just fun; whenever your lips touched you never felt like you were being swept off your feet like he did, whenever you touched him you didn’t feel like just then, in that moment, everything was right - as if the Universe was only created for that specific moment to happen, as if the Universe was expectantly waiting for the moment his fingers ran on your skin freely since the very beginning.

He never felt like this with anyone else. No other pussy has ever made him feel this poetic. 

The fact that Jungkook knew you didn’t feel the same was exactly why he couldn’t stop; this would be the closest he’d ever be from you in that sense - and honestly, after he tasted you, he didn’t want to go back to stage one. You were like a drug. You brought him comfort, you brought him bliss. Having sex with you became somehow of a escapist method. But, just like every drug, you started to make him feel sick… so sick that he couldn’t stand to be around you when you weren’t fucking. 

He drifted away.

God, he even stupidly tried to move on, but Joy was a foolish try. Jungkook felt bad for using her like this - even though he never even kissed her, he felt that he was fooling her anyway. Going on that date with Joy made everything worse, because he was with that gorgeous, intelligent and lovely girl, but he couldn’t feel anything but fucking empty.

He also realized that you couldn’t be his drug anymore. You deserved much more than that. That’s why he drove all the way to your apartment like a magnet. He preferred to go back to stage one if necessary, if it meant that he could be around you without feeling like a worthless piece of shit anymore.

Of course - things didn’t work out that way.

But that morning- it was different.

Jungkook has to sip more of his beer just thinking about it.

It was different.

It was… quiet, very quiet. Much more quieter than he was used to. And much closer than he ever remembered. 

All the times he had sex with you - his body was being pleased, but his soul felt hurt. This time, though, he felt that his whole self was being healed. You didn’t feel like a drug. You felt like a cure.

As if you were connected in somehow of a deeper way.

As if this time, it wasn’t one-sided on his part.

Jungkook can’t stop thinking about it. His pessimistic side tried to convince him that he was being delusional or dramatic (he has this tendency to overthink anyways) and maybe he was, but, again… you don’t usually act flustered, especially not around him. And you’ve been looking flustered around him for quite some now, even before that morning. Sure, your friendship became uncomfortable at some point and he realized that none of you knew how to act around each other anymore, but still… 

What about that time you saw a picture of Yeri on his computer?

You looked very, very awkward.

Or how you sometimes seemed bothered when Joy was around. You teased him a lot at that pool party. Jungkook knew you could get kinda kinky sometimes (he knew you liked the thrill of possibly being caught), but that felt like too much even for you.

His pessimistic side once again tried to convince him that he was seeing things. You wouldn’t be acting jealous. You were never jealous of him with any girl. Never. You even encouraged him to be with Joy, right?

What if… what if maybe, just maybe…?

Stop getting your hopes too high, his pessimistic side scolded. You look stupid.

I’ve been looking stupid for a goddamn long time, Jungkook thinks back. His pessimistic side looks back at him with disdain.

Jungkook frowns and looks at the bottle of beer on his hand. This is just regular beer, right? He surely isn’t so drunk that he’s already arguing with himself.

I should probably go home.

Or…

He could go to your home.

You wanted to talk to him earlier today. You looked very hesitant - again, very uncharacteristic of you. It felt like it was something important. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if he knocked on your door unannounced - wait, you never cared. At least when your relationship didn’t involve rough sex. I mean- you didn’t mind not even when you started fucking, to be honest.

Why do I feel so nervous? I’ve never felt nervous over such a stupid thing. I mean, she’s the same dumbass I’ve known my whole life.

You’re probably home doing nothing. That’s also very uncharacteristic of you. Normal you would be at some club or party right now, celebrating the end of the semester. Normal you would probably have tried to drag him along. Or you’d meet some time during the night when you’re both too drunk to be standing and then you’d end up at 5am at the usual Burger King because you’re both hungry, and the Burger King employees would be staring at you both with anger and disgust because you’re both laughing like stupid and talking too loud and they’ve been up all night and can’t stand two drunk costumers this early in the morning.

It sounds nice.

Jungkook remembers that Seulgi and Irene made up, which means that Seulgi most definitely isn’t home.

Which means you positively are home alone.

Home alone, huh.

Jungkook sips more beer. 

This sounds nicer.

But, hey, it’s not like he’s being dirty minded (well, at least not entirely). He really wants to know what you wanted to talk about - and suddenly, he doesn’t feel like waiting until tomorrow. Maybe it’s the alcohol (maybe he really shouldn’t finish this beer), but he wants to see your face a lot right now. Your flustered face. And he kinda feels like holding your face with both hands and kissing you very slowly. And he kinda feels like going very very deep inside of-

You know what? Fuck it.

Jungkook puts the bottle over the table and is ready to get up. His excuse is ready. Nobody’s gonna think it’s strange anyway - Jungkook has actual stuff to do.

But he doesn’t have the chance to move when he notices a person approaching the tables where he’s sat.

He freezes.

It’s you.

You’re looking down at your phone before you lift your head and see the group of familiar faces a few meters away from you. You’re alone.

Jungkook’s heart starts to beat furiously inside his chest. A smile unconsciously increases on his lips. What are you doing here? He didn’t know you’d come. He’s also sure that he didn’t tell you which bar he would come to earlier today. Adrenaline rushes through his veins as a hundred ideas run on his mind in those few seconds; did you feel the need to see him as much as he wanted to see you? Did you have the same idea as him? Were you so eager to see him that you couldn’t wait until tomorrow-?

Your eyes finally cross his.

That’s when Jungkook notices something isn’t right.

You look surprised, then a second later you frown, then you slowly widen your eyes.

He knows you too damn well.

You didn’t know he’d be there, too. You’re surprised to see him. And it looks… it looks like you didn’t want to see Jungkook there.

“Y/N!”

A loud, excited, familiar male voice bursts out.

Jungkook watches frozen in place as Taehyung gets up in a swift movement, holds your face with both hands and kisses you.

Taehyung’s lips are warm against yours. They taste like toothpaste and beer.

The kiss is very brief. Taehyung breaks it alway soon, but still holds your face with his hands. He’s smiling widely.

“You're late, missy!" He says happily.

You're frozen in place.

This isn't happening. 

"I-" you stutter. It seems that your brain went into complete malfunction. "I, uhm…"

Your eyes travel back to Jungkook.

He's just watching. Not moving a muscle. No.

No no no no no no.

This can't be happening.

Jungkook wasn't supposed to be here. You thought- you thought he was going to celebrate with his classmates, you didn't expect Taehyung would be here too. No, no. Just no. 

You see the exact moment his features get as hard as stone. The way he clenches his jaw tight.

You can't breathe.

When you texted Taehyung earlier, you didn’t really like that he told you to meet him at a bar. A bar wasn’t the right place to have this type of conversation - you also felt bad that you’d probably ruin his end-of-semester celebrations - but you agreed anyway because you desperately needed to make things clear with Taehyung before you had that talk with Jungkook. You decided to do this because Jungkook was honest and fair with Joy; you needed to do the same. You left the worst of the impressions when you let Taehyung kiss you that day. You needed to tell him the truth, or else he’d just suffer more - and you couldn’t be a bitch enough to just dump him by text.

But fuck -  you didn’t expect Taehyung would fucking kiss you in front of everyone the moment he saw you!

With the corner of your eye, you see Jimin looking from you to Taehyung to Jungkook very fast, his face going pale as he realizes what just happened. No one else notices that something’s wrong.

Jungkook breaks eye contact with you and gets up from his chair. Jimin looks at him, helpless. You know that expression. He’s angry and- and-

Hurt.

You step away from Taehyung, trying to get control over your body again. It feels like pure frost has filled your veins. “T-Taehyung, I…” Your mouth is very dry again. You clear your throat. “C-Can we talk somewhere else?”

You suddenly hate how oblivious Taehyung is and how touchy he is because it’s clear that he’s moving his arm to hold your hand. What the fuck?! We just kissed once, it’s not like we’re dating!

“Sure. Do you wanna get inside? Wanna get a drink?” He asks with the same happy smile. 

You’re trying to think of something to say, but again, someone else behind him gets your attention.

“You’re going this early, Jungkook?” Hoseok whines, oblivious to the whole situation. Jungkook is putting his backpack over his shoulder. He’s looking down, jaw still very tight. Not a word said - yet you could see exactly how hurt he was. 

“Yeah. I have a lot to do.” He simply says. 

“Aw, come on, man!” Taehyung encourages. “You can stay a little longer!”

If Taehyung was a little less oblivious, he would have noticed the death glare sent in his direction.

“I can’t.”

A shiver crawls over your entire body as the death glare is now directed to you. 

He’s so, so hurt.

Jungkook’s walking away.

Stop! You want to scream. You got it all wrong! Don’t go!

But you don’t have the chance to stop him, and Jungkook doesn’t have the chance to walk away, and Taehyung doesn’t have the chance to understand what’s going on.

Everyone turns their heads when they hear a boisterous, scandalous laughter, and the sound of someone clapping their hands dramatically.

Now you’re sure that your veins are frosted. You shiver again - yet this time, it’s pure fear.

It’s Mike.

A very, very drunk Mike.

He looks the worst you’ve ever seen him; his clothes are a mess, his hair has grown a lot, and he hasn’t been shaving lately. His eyes are widened, red and maniac. He stumbles as he walks closer, everyone on the table - and the people on the tables around - stopping to look as he still claps ironically.

“Oh, look at what we have here!” he’s loud. Very loud. “So interesting!”

You notice that Jungkook isn’t walking away anymore - in fact, he comes back a few steps, standing closer to you. His body language has changed. Jimin has also gotten up; it seems that Taehyung might be starting to understand what’s going on.

“This is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a looooong time,” Mike continues. God, he’s drooling. This isn’t happening. That’s not possible.

You watch as some guys come closer to Mike and recognize them as his friends. One of them holds Mike’s arm. “Come on, man. Don’t start a scene. It’s not worth it.” He says in a rather low voice, but you can still hear it.

Mike gets off his grip aggressively. “What do you mean? Of course it’s worth it!” Mike looks at you and grins like a madman. You feel another shiver run down your spine. “Hello, Y/N! It’s been a long time! How have you been?!”

“Your friend’s right.” Jungkook speaks up. “Get out of here.”

“Ooooooh,” Mike shakes his hands as if pretending to be scared. “Look who’s here, too! It’s the bestie! Jeon Jungkook, the best friend your girlfriend could ever have!”

Pretty much everyone on the outside part of the bar is paying attention to what’s going on. They whisper between themselves, looking at Mike, you and Jungkook. You feel so embarrassed that you might as well faint. You feel that you should have said something already, but your brain is still malfunctioning. 

“Jeon Jungkook, the friend that will want to fuck your girl so bad, but he won’t because he’s a coward!” Mike screams and laughs like a maniac.

Jungkook steps up closer to Mike in a brusque movement, but Jimin’s fast enough to hold him back. At this point, all of his friends have already gotten up from the table, wanting to stop Jungkook from doing anything.

“Shut up, Mike! Let’s go!” Mike’s friends try to stop him as well, trying to drag him away, but even though he’s drunk, he’s still strong enough to stay in place.

“You think I didn’t know, huh, Jungkookie? You think I didn’t know that whenever I was balls deep inside of Y/N you wish it was you? You always wanted to make her scream like a bitch the way I did!”

At this moment, the fear and shame are overwhelmed by anger. Without realizing, you are the one stepping closer, you are the person who Taehyung has to grab the arm in order to stop. “Shut the fuck up, you son of a bitch!” You hear yourself yelling.

People on the tables around have gotten up - the noise of many chairs scraping the floor getting louder than the worried voices of the people trying to get away from this mess. You hear someone - a guard from the bar, maybe - threatening to call the police, but you can’t pay attention to him.

“Oh, but that’s exactly what you are! A whore!” Mike yells back. “You got so sad that I cheated on you, but haven’t you been doing the same to me?! You think I didn’t see you two inside the car that night?!”

That night… in the car…

Did he... ?

You freeze again when you see Mike pointing at Taehyung. 

“Hm, you’re Taehyung, right? Are you dating her now? Well, be aware of her best friend right here, unless you like sharing your girl! But Jungkook likes leftovers, right, Jungk-?”

He doesn’t finish the sentence.

Jimin isn’t strong enough to stop Jungkook from jumping over and landing a punch on Mike’s nose.

There’s yelling and the sound of tables turning as a whole lot of men try to stop the fight and glasses breaking and Jungkook screaming incomprehensible things as he holds Mike’s collar and punches once, twice, three times, and then Mike’s mouth and nose are bleeding, and Jimin, Hoseok and Taehyung are trying to get Jungkook off Mike but it seems that not even the three would be enough to stop him.

You’ve never seen Jungkook so mad. It scares you because Mike is too drunk and can’t defend himself - but you’re not scared for Mike, that fucker can die -, you’re scared of what might happen to Jungkook.

So, when Jimin and the others drag Jungkook away as he still tries to free himself violently, you somehow squeeze yourself between them to hold Jungkook’s arm.

“Jungkook, stop!”

The black-haired man looks at you, his eyes red with rage in a way you’ve never seen before. 

You didn’t notice that, in your despair, your eyes filled with tears. This is probably what makes Jungkook stop for a moment.

“Enough! I called the police! Everyone out of the bar!”

A siren can be heard from far.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Jimin yells.

Another mess as everyone grabs their things and to try and run out of the bar - even the people that weren’t involved. You see that Mike hasn’t fainted as his friends grab him out of the bar in a rush.

Jungkook has to get out of here, it’s the only thing on your mind. Jungkook thinks the same apparently, because he’s quick to take his bag from the floor and jump over the bar’s fence to the sidewalk. You assumed that he didn’t drive his way here because he knew he would drink - which means he had to run.

Your only instinct is to follow him. 

You jump over the fence too, much more clumsily than him. Jungkook is already running down the street. 

As you’re about to follow him, you hear someone call your name.

It’s Taehyung.

He’s standing on the sidewalk as customers run out of the bar. And the look on his face crushes your heart.

I am the worst person in the world.

“Y/N, what he said… is it- is it true?” He asks quietly.

You open your mouth as if to say something, but nothing coherent comes out of it. The guilt rushes with adrenaline through your veins. You knew he would be hurt, but it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. It wasn’t.

“I-I’m sorry, Taehyung,” is the only thing you can stutter.

You don’t see what face he makes next - both because you can’t take it, and because you’re already turning around and running down the street after Jungkook.

Jungkook is the only thing on your mind.

You can’t let him go away like this.

You run through the busy streets full of bars. As usual, they’re crowded with people. Some of them look at you running like crazy when you pass by, but you can’t stop running because you can still hear the sirens.

Jungkook has some damn long legs. He runs much faster than you and doesn’t even look back. You can barely breathe and your stomach hurts as you unsuccessfully try to catch up to him. You keep running and running and running until you’re on less busier streets, until the bars are left behind and now you’re on a more residential part of the neighbourhood. As Jungkook crosses an almost empty square, you decided that your body can’t take it anymore. You stop gradually, feeling your entire body scream in pain.

“Jungk- Jungkook!” you yell. 

The black-haired man finally looks behind his back and sees you; he widens his eyes in surprise and stops. 

“Why are you-?”

He doesn’t have the time to finish his sentence as the sound of the sirens get closer. You immediately start to run again and this time - instead of running in front of you - Jungkook waits until you get closer to grab your hand, forcing you to run faster. You two cross the square and run into a stair alley with houses on both sides. It’s quiet here. Jungkook crouches down behind a big trash bin, making you crouch down as well.

You both make as much silence as possible (considering you’re both panting heavily), both sweating, and wait until the sounds and lights of the police siren go away.

After maybe five minutes Jungkook gets up again, dropping his backpack on the floor. He cleans the sweat on his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt; you rest your hands on your legs, trying to recover your breath. Your stomach hurts as if it has been stabbed. Maybe I should start working out.

You notice that Jungkook’s right hand is hurt; his knuckles are swollen and bleeding a little. He frowns in pain as he analyzes it. “You- you’re hurt.” you stupidly stutter. Jungkook shakes his head.

“It’s nothing.” He says in a low voice. “I said I would beat him up if I saw him…”

Out of instinct you step closer to him, worried, and lift your hands to hold his swollen one.

But Jungkook steps back before you can even touch him. He literally flinched away from you.

It feels like an arrow has just buried itself in your heart.

He’s not looking at you.

“Jungkook-”

“No.” He shakes his head again. He’s breathing heavily as if trying to calm himself down. “Don’t… don’t say anything. Please.”

It’s getting so difficult to breathe. Jungkook puts his hands on each side of his waist, staring at something on the floor - clearly avoiding your pleading gaze.

“But Jungkook, I… you didn’t…” why the hell can’t you speak a coherent sentence anymore? That’s why you followed him all the way. You must make things clear, but seeing his face right now makes you hesitate. Jungkook looks genuinely angry; you’ve never seen him like this, ever.

He throws his head back, looking at the sky, and lets a very dry chuckle past his lips. His expression tells you everything you need to know - he’s tipsy, not entirely drunk.

“You know, I don’t even understand why I’m angry.” You’re not sure if he’s talking to you or to himself. “There was never anything real happening, right? We were never real.”

You feel yourself choking on your own words. What does he mean?

“Jungkook, you have to listen to me. I just wanted to talk to Taehyung-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Y/N!” He interrupts and finally gazes you back with bloodshot eyes. “We’re fuck buddies, right? It’s just for fun, right? No real feelings involved. It’s not like we’re supposed to care.”

Tears start to make your sight blurred. Each word of his sound more and more bitter, more sad, more hurt, and it feels like someone has buried the arrow in your heart deeper when you realize that his eyes are getting teary, too.

“Stop saying that. You know it’s not true. You’re the person I care about the most in this world-”

“If you start saying how I’m your best friend I’m leaving you right now.”

You frown and blink, trying to dissipate the tears. “B-But it’s true-”

“For fuck’s sake, Y/N! I’m in love with you! Stop acting like you don’t know that already!”

It feels like your brain and your limbs and your lungs stopped working all at once.

Did he… did he just…?

Jungkook exhales heavily. He looks so tired. He rests his back against the wall in front of you, once again avoiding your gaze.

Something tells you that this should have been a happy moment. Deep down, you feel the pure bliss and excitement and it feels like your heart will combust - because you finally heard the words you wanted to hear the most coming directly from his mouth, you finally understood everything; he felt the same, the fucking same.

Yet, all the happiness is being overwhelmed by worry.

You’re watching him intently. You know the man in front of you better than you know yourself. You’ve never seen this expression before - this mix of anger and hurt have never been directed towards you. You’re scared because you don’t know what it implies.

It’s his breaking point.

He might be giving up on you right now.

You don’t know what to say. For a long moment, you just stare at him as he tries to calm himself down - always avoiding your gaze. It seems that words won’t come out of your mouth no matter how hard you try.

“Since when?” is the only thing you can whisper after a long time.

Jungkook shakes his head and lets yet another lifeless chuckle. “I don’t know.” He says in a low, broken voice.

Your fingers are shaking as you close your hands in tight fists. He needs to hear the truth.

“Jungkook.” Yet again, you hesitantly step closer. Your voice is fragile, pleading. “You got it all wrong. Please, you have to listen to me. Today, I-”

“Yeah, I know I got it all wrong from the start.” He interrupts you again. Shut up!, you want to scream. Let me fucking speak!

However, you can’t speak anymore when you notice the tears dripping down his face.

Jungkook is crying.

It’s your fault.

He passes both hands over his face as quickly as the first tears started to fall and sighs heavily. He takes his bag from the floor and shoves it over his shoulder again, turning around before you can see his face again, before you have the chance to say anything.

“I’m going home. You should go home, too.”

And he starts to walk down the stairs way too fast.

Your body is moving before your mind registers and you try to catch up to him. “Jungkook, wait-”

“Don’t.”

Is the only thing he says without looking back.

This makes you stop.

You watch, frozen in place, as he walks down the stairs. You keep your eyes on him as he crosses the empty square again. He’s almost running.

He wants to get away from you as soon as possible.

You know Jungkook too well. You know that, even if you followed him, even if you insisted, he wouldn’t want to hear you anyway. He’d probably despise you even more. This is what made you freeze.

You suddenly feel your legs get weak and sit down on the stair steps. Not only your legs, actually. All of your limbs feel heavy. 

You don’t remember the last time you cried like this. The unstoppable tears just coming and coming and the sobs barely let you breathe. 

You’re crying because you’re ashamed of what just happened at the bar - how Mike made you feel humiliated in front of all those people. You’re guilty because you weren’t honest with Taehyung and now there’s no way back - you let him believe in whatever he wanted to believe instead of making things clear, and now he’s hurt.

And the worst of all.

You’ve been hurting Jungkook so bad for so long without realizing. You hurt the person you cared about the most. 

All of it is your fault.

God, it hurts so much.

You know Jungkook too well. He’s the person that has been always there with you for better or for worse. You always knew you’d have each other’s backs no matter what happens; he’s a part of you, the most important, most precious part of you.

This time, you genuinely don’t know what will happen from now on.

This time... you don’t know if Jungkook will ever forgive you.

[quinncupine]

Hiiii quinn! I never realised you did requests but if it would be fine (and also because its my sole goal) could you do a boom boom boi and izubby with having their own cat or dog as a pet??? I'm seriously thinking that boom boom boi would be both a cat and dog person, don't u agree? (Ily lots and don't feel pressured to do this if you have a lot of stuff going on!)

Hi Dorki! I'm finally making my way through my requests and I was really excited to write this one! Okay, hope you like it!

Quinns Masterlist

Wanna request something?

The Boys with Pets

Word Count: 1,750

Featuring: Izuku Midoriya and Katsuki Bakugo!

Warnings: dogs, cats, cursing

Izuku Midoriya

Now Izuku loves pretty much all animals, but I can totally see him getting a dog. Dogs are loyal and full of energy just like a certain green-haired hero. The perfect duo.

He would probably rescue one from the pound, the one with the biggest, saddest, cutest eyes because how could he not? But someone has to go with him because he'd try to rescue them all if there was no one there to stop him. Once a hero, always a hero I suppose.

I'm thinking for names, he would definitely pick a name that reflects his favorite heroes. Don't be surprised if he names his dog something super cheesy like Mighty or Rocky…

Wait, okay, I've decided, he names his dog Mighty and that is the hill I will die on.

The life of a hero is quite busy so when he goes off on long missions, he drops the dog off at his mom's house. Inko has fallen in love with this sweet pup, so much so that she sometimes begs him to stop by with the dog for a visit. It's the closest thing she's got to grandbabies at the moment, she'll take what she can get :)

Now, this cute pup draws in the attention of just about everyone so he's gotten an influx of attention and a few numbers slipped in his hand during their walks, much to his flustered surprise.

Best wingman ever.

This dog goes on regular runs with Izuku and sometimes even helps him with training. I'm thinking a Collie or an Aussie would just be the perfect fit for him to keep up with his personality and lifestyle. He needs an active dog!

I can see it now, he goes on his daily morning runs with this cute Lil furry training buddy and they race the whole way! A few regulars on the trail know about this and it's become sort of a tradition to cheer the two on as they pass.

 ...

The morning air was crisp with the slight scent of the coming autumn, the perfect morning for a run. Izuku, dressed in his usual training wear, had a steady rhythm going for the last forty minutes, letting out even, controlled breaths. This was the easy part of the run, a warm-up if anything, and he hadn't even broken a sweat yet. The canine jogging by his side was enjoying the dewy morning air as well, tongue happily flopping out the side of her mouth. The shared morning ritual between man and man's best friend: Mighty.

Her tail picked up speed, wagging uncontrollably as they neared the bend where the giant jagged rock towered over the path. It was the place marker to start the race. A three-mile run to the top of the hill located at the center of the park. It was also Mighty's favorite part of the morning.

"Ready girl?" Izuku grinned down at the ecstatic dog who barked in reply.

The instant the two of them passed the big rock, they both broke out in full speed, leaving behind a cloud of dust. Happy barks filled the air as she gained the upper hand. Izuku laughed as the dog turned to look back at him lagging behind her. He always did these races without his quirk to assist him. It was only fair and it helped him work on his natural stamina in case he was ever in a situation where he couldn't use his quirk. Always good to be prepared.

He watched as she bounded up the first steep hill on the trail. There were a few small hills on this route, but this one was the hardest to climb and Mighty had the advantage with her four legs so she always managed to pull ahead first. She stopped at the top and barked him on before quickly disappearing over the crest.

When he reached the top, he stopped for just a second to take in his surroundings. This part of the park was a heavily wooded area with numerous trails that many people used to hike or run. It also served as a great view of the city skyline and he couldn't help but stop and admire the rising sun from between the foggy buildings every time. Then Mighty barked to pull him out of his thoughts.

"It's not over yet!" He called after her and raced down the hill, putting on an extra burst of speed to easily close the distance.

Tail wagging, she nipped playfully at his feet as they sprinted along the path, side by side. There weren't many people out this early so he usually had the trail to himself. The only sounds were the wind in the trees, the leaves crunching under feet and paws, Mighty barking beside him, and his own unrestrained glee as they ran together.

These were the mornings he loved. Just the two of them, away from the stresses that came with pro-hero work. He wouldn't trade being a hero for anything, but sometimes it got to be too much so coming here to clear his mind with a little run was always a cathartic release, only made better by the furry companion by his side.

The short bridge that arched over the creek signaled the last mile. Getting more serious, Izuku pulled ahead of Mighty, not able to hold back the giant grin as he streaked across the bridge, startling a few birds off the railings which Mighty barked at as she came up behind him.

Up ahead was a large open meadow with a small duck pond near the center. A few benches were scattered about the path and he saw the same elderly couple sitting in their usual spot with a bag of rice and seed to feed the plethora of ducks waddling around their feet.

"You got him this time Mighty!" The old man looked up as the two of them zipped down the path towards the couple.

"Show 'em what girls can do!" The woman cracked a smile, waving her hands.

"Morning Mr. and Mrs. Fujino!" Izuku waved as he passed. "Don't count me out yet!"

Mighty barked her greeting and took a detour, herding some ducks closer to the couple then with a quick lick to Mr. Fujino's hand, she sprinted back to catch up to Izuku.

The Fujino's marked the last leg of the race. The only thing left was to climb the top of the largest hill in the park to the old oak tree at the top. That was the finishing line. It was always a gamble as to who finished first every day, but Mighty sure had a competitive spirit.

Izuku pumped his legs as he steadily made his way up to the dirt trail, Mighty just behind him before she suddenly veered left and disappeared into the shrubbery. He was so focused on the tree that slowly came into view just around the curve as he neared the top that he didn't notice.

Just as the path leveled out, almost to the finish line, he glanced back to see no sign of his dog. The tree was a few feet away when a furry mass ambushed him from the side, knocking him clean off his feet. The pro hero landed in the grass with a heavy Oof. Sitting on his chest was Mighty, looking quite proud of herself.

"Cheater!" He laughed, trying his best to hold back the slobbery licks she was determined to give him. "Okay, okay, I'll call it a tie!"

 Katsuki Bakugo

Now Katsuki on the other hand would totally be a cat person. Not that he has anything against dogs, but cats are more his style. They don't need constant attention and are pretty much self-sufficient. Just the way he likes it.

That being said, Katuski would go all out on toys and the latest gizmos to take care of his cat. Has a self-cleaning litter box, a waterfall bowl, an automatic feeder, etc. You get the picture.

Oh, and toys galore. If he has space, this cat is getting a personal jungle gym that lets him walk up to the ceiling. S.P.O.I.L.E.D.

Doesn't like to tell people just how much he actually loves this cat because he's never been one to express emotions, but this cat just gets him to his core. They share the same wavelength and he appreciates that. The cat is the only one he trusts to open up to, so sometimes you might catch him ranting to the poor thing who just stares back with big wide eyes and occasional meows. Yup, totally gets him.

I see him with a super chill cat, like maybe a Ragdoll or a Russian Blue. Something that tolerates his constant screaming and explosions.

This guy is just as bad at names. It'll definitely be something long and dramatic like Lord Cat Explosion Demon God of Furballs. Yep. He doesn't take criticism so most people call him Lord Furballs, much to his disdain.

Katsuki won't ask for attention from the cat, but the little furry feline is a total cuddler and will often find itself curled up in his lap or even on his neck if Katsuki's sitting on the couch. You better believe this guy won't be moving until that cat decides it's time to move. He's been late to meetings with friends because of this cuddly cat.

He's a hero so this cat is definitely being treated right. Katuski is no slacker when it comes to caring for his lil buddy. The vet is on speed dial should anything ever happen.

Did someone say a custom-made collar that matches his hero costume to a tee?

He's never loved anything more.

 ...

"Uh, hey Bakubro, why is your cat glaring at me?" Ejiro asked, staring down at the feline.

"What?" Katsuki didn't even bother to look up from his laptop.

"Your cat. It's giving me the evil eye. I thought it was supposed to be friendly." The red-haired hero frowned, not able to break eye contact with the cat. "I don’t think it likes me."

The small furry creature had lazily curled up in the sunspot next to Katsuki's feet, purring away without a care in the world. It seemed harmless enough, except for the heavy glare it was shooting Ejiro's way.

"Heh," Katsuki finally glanced down and crossed his arms. "He's not glaring. That's just his face."

"Ah," Ejiro nodded, "like father like son."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean!?"

Taglist: @thecindy @peachsenpie @awilddreamerwrites @miriobaby @kiyoobi @dragonsdreamoffire @amive2567 @justscar @kenmaskitten10 @freckledoriya

[kpop---scenarios]

Into The Night (2)

Pairing: Kai x Reader 

Warnings: Unprotected Smut, Angst, 

Word Count: 6.9k 

A/N: I'm sorry!!

As the rain pours down, it soaks you but you have a hard time finding the urge to care. You watch the staircase from in front of your car, waiting for the man you love, the man you hoped loved you enough to come chase after you. You desperately wanted him to tell you that you were enough for him and that he had enough of the business that was taking so much from him. 

But he never came. 

A part of you must have known he wouldn't give it up, not for you. It wasn't as though you were anything special anyway. You were you, and he was a god, someone who deserved more than just you. 

You closed your eyes and for a moment imagined what it would have been like had he chased you. Kai running down the stairs, into the rain to take you in his arms and tell you how much he loved you and needed you, that you were first, that you were enough. 

But instead, you got into your car soaked and cried hard while driving to your apartment. Maybe he didn't love you as much as you thought he did. Maybe you truly weren't enough for him. 

Day by day, you stared at your phone, reading the last text he had sent you before you left. It was the last time he had typed out the words you wished you could hear from his lips right now, even if you don't deserve them.

"I love you." 

You can still hear the faint whispers of him saying the words in your head, but as time goes on the whispers get quieter and quieter, slowly fading away. 

**

Every week something changed, for the better, and you noticed yourself becoming yourself again. You stopped agonizing over the fact that he hadn't texted you, then you stopped caring that he hadn't called you. If he had been the man you thought he was, he would have reached out, maybe tried to explain himself. But he didn't, so maybe he wasn't the man for you. 

A month had gone by and you started going to coffee shops with your friends, finally getting out of the house. 

Six months had gone by and you were washing your hair and doing your makeup, feeling like yourself again. 

A year later, you were thriving. You had a great group of friends, you were putting yourself out there with guys and you had just been promoted at work, which tonight, this wonderful Friday, you were celebrating with your group of friends at a new club in the city. 

"I will be there soon." You laugh into the speaker, looking out the window of the cab to see where you were. "Promise, like two minutes away." You tell Moonbyul, pressing the end call button. 

The cab driver pulls up to the club and you see Moonbyul, Wheein and Solar waiting outside for you. 

"Fucking finally." Moonbyul groans, pulling you in for a hug. The others join in, congratulating you on your promotion. 

"Come." Wheein squeals. "I got us the best table." She finishes, pulling you inside the club. 

You walk in and it's jam-packed with people. You squeeze her arm as you navigate through the massive amounts of bodies, finally settling at a table with your three best friends. 

"First." Solar pauses. "Shots." She smiles as four shots are delivered to your table. 

"That was cool." You laugh. 

The four of you down your shots. 

"Next," Wheein says. "More shots." Another round is placed on your table, one in front of each of you. 

The four of you take your shots again. 

Half an hour later, you had already done four shots and had two drinks, and to say you were feeling it would be an understatement. 

"I'm going.." hiccup. "To the bathroom." You giggle, ungracefully sliding from your chair and stumbling your way to the bathroom. You close your eyes for a split second as you walk past the bar, trying to ease the spinning when you bump into a hard chest. 

You open your eyes and look up, immediately thinking your eyes are playing tricks on you. You blink a few times before stumbling back, shaking your head slightly and looking back up at the man.. the man you once loved. 

"Kai?" You whispered. 

"Ayn.." he says. "It's good to see you." 

"Yeah.. um, you too." You say, unsure of really what to say. There were a few things you had planned to say to him had you ever actually run into him but you truly never thought that situation would arise. 

"How have you been?" You ask. 

Not what you wanted to say. 

"Good, good." He smiles that radiant smile that just melts your heart. "I quit the business." He says. 

Your heart drops. 

"When?" You ask, a little confused. 

"About nine months ago." He answers. 

You scoff. 

"So three months after you let me run out because you were never going to give it up?" You ask. You can feel the anger rising inside of you. 

"I.. well, Hwasa helped me realize." He says. Seconds later a gorgeous woman slides her manicured hand over his shoulder as he wraps his arm around her waist. 

You look at Kai confused, and heartbroken all over again. 

"Hi, I'm Hwasa, Kai's fiancee." She purrs, holding out her hand with a big diamond ring on the right finger. 

"Fiancee?" You breathe. "I tried.. for you.. and I wasn't good enough.. but you knew her for three months and she got you to quit and propose? What the fuck was I? Did you even love me?" You yell. 

"Ayn.. let's not do this here.." Kai says, looking uncomfortable. 

"No, I'm not doing anything... I’m...I can't breathe." You cry, turning around to stumble from the crowded building. You burst through the door, the cool outside air hitting you hard as you gasp for breath. 

Kai, the man you loved was now with someone else, someone who seemed worthy of him, not to mention he left.. he left the business behind. The one that you weren't good enough for him to leave. You weren't good enough to fight for apparently. 

With your feet dragging, you walk the long-distance home, ignoring the buzzing of your cellphone as you try to keep the tears from falling. You lost. 

**

The next morning you woke up, feeling as though a train had smashed into your life - oh wait, it did. You recall the events of last night and how your heart was shattered for a second time by the same man, in less than a year. You grab your phone, looking at the time, 11:34 am. Before you set your phone down, it buzzes an incoming message. You open your messages and your heart drops as you immediately recognize the phone number. 

Kai. 

[11:35 am] 17362592474: I'm sorry about that. Can we talk? 

It took all you had in you to not call him and scream at him. He's sorry about that, he's sorry? For what exactly? The fact that he didn't come after you, or the fact that he got engaged so quickly after leaving you shattered and a shell of the person you were before. 

You threw your phone to the corner of your room. You couldn't deal with this today. So instead of answering him back, you went about your Saturday. You went for a jog but you never did stop thinking about the woman, Hwasa who was so perfect and seemed so perfect for him. They were a gorgeous couple, one of those couples who should be featured in all the magazines. You didn't compare to her, clearly. 

That night you stayed in, ignoring the ringing of your phone that still sat in the corner of your room and instead binge-watched the saddest kdramas you could find and cried, while also stuffing your face. 

You woke up Sunday feeling terribly bloated, with an even worse headache but none of that compared to how your heart felt. As much as you didn't want to admit it, as much as this would absolutely fuck with all the progress you made in the last you, you still loved him. Seeing him Friday night confirmed that, you would still forgive him if you had the chance. 

Now you spent the rest of your Sunday agonizing over a decision you needed to make. 

Text him back, or ignore it? 

**

Monday morning you sat at your desk, chewing on your fingernail as you stared at the message on your phone that you had read almost a thousand times over. 

Can we talk? 

Sure, you wanted to talk, you had a lot of things you wanted to say to him. You grabbed your phone, typing the message before throwing it on your desk and trying to focus on some work. 

[10:12 am] You: Sure. Let's talk. 6 pm, my place. I'd rather this not be public. *Address*  

[10:14 am] 17362592474: See you then, Ayn. 

You roll your eyes at his reply. Boy, was he going to get an ear full. 

You paced in front of your door, checking your phone every 3 seconds. Time was moving so slowly as you waited for Kai to show up. You ran lines through your head, planning out exactly what you were going to say to him. You were ready and prepared to go off. 

You checked your phone again. 

5:59 pm 

Knock 

Knock. 

You stood in front of your door and took a deep breath before opening it. You almost gasped at the sight of him. He looked so good, but seriously, he had the audacity to look that good and show up here? What the fuck. 

"Hi, Ayn." He smiles. "Are you going to let me in?" He asks. 

"Oh." You say, coming out of your trance. You open the door wider, allowing him to come in before closing the door behind you. 

 "Nice place." He says, looking around. You lean against the door, your arms crossed as you try to remember the first thing you wanted to say. 

"Thanks." You whisper. 

That wasn't it. 

"Hwasa and I are on a break." He begins. "Look, I'm really sor.." he started to say before you cut him off. 

"Don't." You yell, raising your hands to your ears. "I don't want to hear that you're sorry." You spit. "Sorry doesn't make up the fact that you didn’t chase me. Sorry doesn't make up for the fact that you met someone 3 months after you let me walk out of your life like I was nothing, and then you got engaged! You really are.." you say before now he cut you off, this time with his lips. 

You hadn't even noticed him walking towards you until his lips were pressed against yours. Your eyes are still wide open as you realize what's happening. You place your hands on his shoulders, pushing him away. You're shocked as you gently touch your lips before raising your hand and slapping him. 

You look at him, up and down before grabbing his collar and pulling him back to you, latching your lips onto his. He wraps his arms around you pulling you in close. He backs up, pushing you against your door as he hikes up your skirt, his knee pressed in between your legs. You break the kiss and his lips travel to your neck, your hands now in between the two of you, unbuckling his belt. He shimmies his pants down, along with his boxers, his cock springing free. 

Kai places his hands behind your legs, picking you up and pressing you against the door once again. He lines up his cock before pushing himself into you with a gasp as his head rests in the crook of your neck. Your hands-on his shoulders as he thrusts himself into you, making you moan loudly. 

"Fuck." He grunts, his fingertips digging into the back of your legs as he fucks you. Your hand moves to his hair, running your fingers through his locks as he hits all the right spots, your clit being rubbed perfectly. 

You can feel his hot breath on your neck, his lips pressing a kiss as you cry out, loudly. 

"Just like that." You moan as your orgasm builds. "Don't stop." You cry, your fingers gripping tightly onto his hair. 

"Cum for me, please." He begs, you wrap your arms around his neck as your orgasm flows through your body, making you scream. 

Kai thrusts faster as he chases his high, spilling himself into you. "Oh god." He moans as he thrusts lightly, coming down from his high. 

You're both still for a moment, Kai still inside you as you both breathe heavily. "Shit." He whispers, pulling out. "That was a mistake." He says, pulling up his pants and buckling his belt back up. 

"What?" You ask, tears now brimming in your eyes. 

"No, that's not what I meant." He tries to assure you. "I meant the timing was a mistake, not you, never you." He says. 

"No, I get it. I wasn't good enough for you then, why would I be good enough for you now." You spit. "Get out." 

"Ayn.. please. It's not what I meant. I miss you!" He pleads. 

"Get out now!" You cry. The tears roll down your cheeks as he looks at you with such despair, to just listen to him. You don't care. You were a mistake. 

You storm towards your window, pushing it open as you struggle to catch your breath. How could you be so stupid as to let him fuck you, let him back into your life like that? 

This was a mistake 

I miss you.

Did he though? Did he miss you? 

You let out a loud and frustrated grunt as you swiftly moved around your apartment, rage cleaning. How could you let him come up here and taint your fresh, drama and Kai free space? Bad Ayn. 

Heading for your cabinets, you reach for your favourite cleaner, the one that smells like happiness to you and you begin your work. You scrub your door, cleaning away the sweat, the reminder that you let him fuck you against your door. You wash your floors, making sure to clean where he stood extra hard. 

When you were finally satisfied with your house and the cleanliness and freshness of your place, you went to take care of yourself, spending an absurd amount of time in the shower. You used different soaps especially on your neck, you washed your hair a few times and your fingers, trying desperately to get the smell of him off of you, trying to get the feeling of being called a mistake off of you. 

After your shower, you sat in your robe, in a chair in the living room, your finger hovering over the cold button on your cell phone. You needed to call Jisoo and tell her about this but you were slightly nervous about her reaction. You closed your eyes and pressed the call button and took a few deep breaths as you listened to the sound of the phone ringing. 

"Heeelloooooo." She answers in a singing voice. 

"I did a thing." You whisper into the phone. 

"A thing? Ooh, what kind of thing?" She asks. 

"A bad thing." You reply. 

"Do tell." She says excitedly. 

"I accidentally..slept with Kai." You whisper. 

She says nothing. 

"I'm sorry. WHAT?" She gasps. "Kai? As in, you just got over Kai? That Kai?" 

"That Kai, yes." You whisper. 

"Giiiiiirl." She screams. "So you're back together? I always loved the two of you together." 

"He has a fiancee." You whisper. 

"I'm sorry again, WHAT?" She says. "And you still fucked him?" 

"Well, he said they're on a break." You nervously laugh. 

"Shit girl. How do you feel?" She asks. 

"He said it was a mistake. The timing was a mistake but all I heard was I'm a mistake." You answer. 

"What'd you do?" 

"Kicked him out." You laugh. 

"Yas best friend, you go best friend." She laughs. "But in all seriousness, are you okay?" 

"I don't know." You respond. "I still love him, and I know I could forgive him but I don't know if I should. He broke me, and it took a long time to fix that and then he's got this new girl, and shit.. what do I do, Ji?" You sigh. 

"This is something you have to figure out for yourself. I can’t be the one to tell you what to do, as much as I would like to, this is you." She responds. 

"Thanks, Ji." You say before hanging up the phone. She was right, you had a lot of thinking to do but also, you really need to talk to Kai. 

** 

Kai sat on his couch with his head thrown back as he replayed this evening's events through his head, over and over again. He will admit, he shouldn't have kissed you but it couldn't help it. He really had missed you. He stared at your lips as you yelled at him and he thought about kissing you, then bam, he was doing it and he didn't want it to stop, but then you slapped him and kissed him back and everything escalated from there. 

He lets out a loud groan as he thinks about his life and where he was now, he felt like he was going insane. Everything was so fucked up, and in all honesty, it was his fault. Had he just gone after you, none of this would have happened. You would be here, laying in his arms, and you both would be happy but instead, you're broken and it's his fault and he's still in love with you. 

Kai thinks back to that day, the one when he let you get away and fuck does he ever wish he could have a redo of that day. The amount of shame he felt for what he did was indescribable. 

"Either you want it, or you don't. So let me know." You finished before walking away, and Kai stood there. He couldn't move as you closed the door behind you. He was hurt, angry and ashamed. You were so much more important than his business and he wanted to tell you that, but his pride wouldn't let him. He wanted you to be more understanding of his job and realize that it was just that, a job. So he waited. 

He waited for you to return, he waited for a text, a phone call, something - anything but it never came. He thought maybe you needed time but as the weeks went by he slowly began to realize that you had left him and it hurt. It had been too long now, he couldn't crawl back so maybe you would. If he was lucky, you would be the one to reach out to him. 

One night he had gone to a restaurant - alone. He ordered a glass of wine, and his meal and sat in silence as he watched the happy couples smile and laugh. He wanted that, with you. As he was lost in thought someone tripped beside him, dropping a purse. He knelt down to help and when he looked at the woman, he was shocked, she was breathtaking but nothing compared to you. 

Maybe that's what he needed, a distraction, someone to help him get over you. She smiled at him and he smiled back. "Thank you for your help." She says. 

"No problem. Are you okay?" He asks, seeing the tears in her eyes.

"Terrible date." She sniffles. 

"Would you like to join me…" he pauses. 

"Hwasa." She smiles. 

"Would you like to join me Hwasa?" He asks.  

"I would love to.." she pauses. 

"Kai." 

"Yes, Kai, I would love to " 

A few months later he was looking at the engagement ring he had bought, that was supposed to be for you and Hwasa had caught him, immediately screaming yes and crying. She was so happy. So he slid the ring on her finger and decided to keep it to himself. A few weeks later, he handed the business over to Baekhyun, not because Hwasa had convinced him like she thought but because he worried she would try to take it over. 

Kai was a little in over his head with her, especially when he couldn't stop thinking about you but he just couldn't bring himself to end it with Hwasa. He felt guilty, it had been too long now, maybe he was stuck. Maybe this is what he deserved, his karma for not chasing you. 

** 

A few days later, you glanced at the clock as you finished your paperwork, it was 9 pm. You let out a big yawn, stretching out your arms. There was a faint knock at your door, so you finished your stretch as you walked over to see who was here so late. You looked through the peephole and saw Kai standing there swaying. Your heart was in your stomach, you most definitely weren't prepared for this. 

With a shaky hand, you turned the doorknob and opened the door slightly. "What are you doing here?" You ask, looking both ways down the hallway. 

"I fucking miss you," Kai yells. "Please let me in." He begs. 

You can hear your neighbours beginning to get annoyed, so you opened the door fully and grabbed Kai by his shirt to drag him in.

"You can't just show up here like this." You say, crossing your arms. "You're engaged." You finish, those last few words felt so bitter coming out of your mouth. 

"I'm not… I'm not engaged." Kai says, walking closer to you. He pulls you in, just holding you but your arms are still crossed. "Please.. hold me back." He whispers. 

As a tear rolls down your cheek, you uncross your arms holding onto him tightly. The two of you stand there for a moment, you take in his smell, remembering what he used to smell like. It's the same, but whiskey added tonight. 

"Come." You whisper, letting go of him, and pulling him towards your shower. You run the hot water as he stands there. "There are towels in here." You say pointing to the cabinet. "I'll have some clothes for you when you're done." You finish, leaving the bathroom to let him do his thing. 

He's not in there for very long. A few minutes later you look up to see him standing there with his towel wrapped around his waist with water dripping from his hair. You bite your lip at the sight of him, taking a deep breath and remembering you can't. You can't do that. 

"Here." You whisper, handing him some old clothes of his that you never got rid of. You felt a little ashamed to have kept them this long but it was something you could get over.  You turn around as he drops his towel, you can hear him sigh as he slides on his clothes  

"Done." He says, his voice low and shaky. 

"You need to sleep this off." You say, opening your bed covers. Kai crawls in, scooting over for you. 

"Please?" He asks, patting the open space beside him. 

"I can't." You whisper. "I'll be on the couch." You finish, walking away and turning out the lights as you make your way to the couch. 

** 

Kai wakes up startled. He sits up in bed, confused about where he is, he looks over at the clock, it reads 4:49 am and then he remembers. He came to your house, you hugged him back, put him in the shower and tucked him in. You were so good. 

Kai crawls out of bed, feeling his way out of your room and making his way to the living room. 

He walks in and sees you curled up on the couch, a small piece of your hair covering your face. He smiles at how peaceful and happy you look in your sleep. He misses watching you sleep at night, just looking at you and feeling so unbelievably grateful that you were his. Kai bends down, scooping you up in his arms and bringing you to your bed. He places you down, covering your shivering body as he crawls in beside you, making sure to leave space between you two. He wished he could wrap his arm around you and fall asleep with his face buried in the crook of your neck, but instead he fell back asleep with his face buried in your pillow and tears rolling down his cheeks. 

That morning you wake up, feeling extra warm. You stretch out your back, pushing out your ass and you're met with something hard pushed up against you. Your eyes shoot open as you feel a hand sliding over your stomach, pulling you in closer. You shouldn't be doing this but fuck, you missed him, you missed this and everything that came with it. 

A few minutes couldn't hurt. So you snuggled back into him, relishing in the feeling of being held by him again, his strong arms wrapped around you, making you feel like the safest person in the world. Your personality made a bit of a flip and you began scooting your ass back a little more, lightly grinding yourself on his cock. 

"Mhmm." He groans, pushing himself against your ass harder. "Goodmorning." He says, his voice husky and quiet. 

"Goodmorning." You whisper. 

"Can I.. just." He pauses, pushing himself into you further. You weren't sure what came over you, maybe it was the trance that you always seem to be in around him but you opened your legs, giving Kai the invitation to enter. 

He lets out a loud groan as he moves to pull his sweats and boxers down, his cock ready as it drips precum. You open your legs a little more, letting him move your panties to the side before he slides himself inside you, stretching out your pussy.

"Fuck." You whimper as he slides in and out of you slowly, making you crave more. He pulls up your shirt, exposing your bare breasts before cupping one, twiddling your nipple between his fingers. 

You reach your hand down between your legs, pressing down on your throbbing clit before gently rubbing as Kai continues to thrust inside of you. His face is pressed into your neck, nipping gently as his hot breath flows over you. 

"I've missed you." He breathes. "Your scent, your face, your body, your pussy, everything about you." He groans. Kai continues to fuck you, his hand leaving your breast to move up, wrapping around your neck. He lightly squeezes, making you moan loudly as your orgasm builds. 

"I missed you." You cry out, rubbing yourself faster, needing your release. 

Kai's hand around your neck tightens as you both cum, your body squirming as he fills you up. You both lay there, breathing, taking a moment. He releases your neck but instead of moving away from you, holds you closely for a few minutes. 

Kai springs out of bed a few minutes later, pulling on a shirt before finding his shoes. "Shit." He panics. 

"What are you doing?" You ask, very confused. 

"I have to go to work. I'm already late." He chuckles. "I will text you." He says, kissing you gently on the cheek before running out the door, leaving you standing there with his cum dripping down your leg. 

"Rude." You scoff, making your way to shower. Before you get in you text Jisoo, asking her to lunch because now, you have more news. 

She texts back immediately confirming and telling you she can't wait. 

**

"Again!?" Jisoo yells, throwing her hands up in the air while you hide behind your hands. "You slept with him, again." She sighs. 

"It was a.." you begin. 

"I will cut you if you say it was a mistake." Jisoo threatens. "Look, you guys need to chat about what the fuck is happening because you have me confused." 

"You're confused? I'm also confused." You sigh, taking a sip of your drink. 

"Excuse me." You hear from beside you. You look up and see a very handsome man standing in front of your table. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I just thought you were stunning and wanted to give you my number. If you are interested in a date, call me, if not at least I know I gave it a shot." He smiles, placing a napkin in front of you before walking away. 

You and Jisoo laugh as you slip the note into your purse. Considering how things were going with Kai, you didn't think you would need it. You finished your lunch with Jisoo and said goodbye before you went on a stroll and headed back to your apartment. You thought about your morning with Kai and smiled like an idiot as you skipped down the sidewalk, feeling like you were on top of the world. 

As you neared your apartment, you decided to stop and grab an iced coffee, maybe even a cookie from your favourite shop until suddenly you weren't very thirsty anymore, but instead, your heart sunk as your throat dried up. You looked in the window of the coffee shop and saw Kai sitting there with Hwasa, his hand in hers as they laughed. 

You pulled out your phone and dialled his number. You watched as he checked to see who was calling and then put his phone down, ignoring the call. 

With your heart hurting, you continued to walk to your apartment. You decided you were done being played by him and reached in your purse, digging for the napkin the stranger had given you earlier. If Kai wanted to play games with you, fuck with your feelings for him, well then you could do the same, and make him hurt more. 

The minute you got home you sat at your kitchen table, dialling the number the man had given you. 

"Hello?" He answers. 

"Hi." You say. "I realized that I never got your name." You smile. 

"I'm sorry." He laughs. "I don't usually do that so I was a little nervous. My name is Taemin." He tells you. For some reason his name made you smile widely. 

"Nice to meet you, Taemin. My name is Ayn." You say. 

"Well Ayn, would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?" He asks. 

"I would love to." You answer, without a second thought. Kai was pushed so far to the back of your mind, you didn't even feel guilty about saying yes to Taemin, Kai could have Hwasa. 

"7 pm, Jungsik Seoul. Is it okay if we meet there?" He asks. 

"Yes, that sounds perfect. See you tomorrow." You say, hanging up after he says goodbye. 

You were truly excited, maybe this means you and Kai weren't meant for each other. Setting your phone on the table, you walk away, trying to decide what you wanted to have for dinner tonight when your phone rang again. You made the mistake of answering it without even looking at who was calling, you were just trying to be happy. 

"Hello?" You answer, a little tune in your voice. 

"Hi, beautiful." You hear on the other end. 

"Kai?" You ask.

"Yes, baby, you and me, tomorrow night. Can we talk please?" He asks. 

"No." You spit. "I saw you with Hwasa at the coffee shop this afternoon. You were smiling while holding her hand. So much for a break. I really continue to surprise myself at how many times I'll let you fuck with my heart." 

"Ayn." He says but you don't stop. 

"I have a date tomorrow night." You say. "He's taking me to Jungsik Seoul. So I'm busy, bye." You finish, hanging up the phone. You toss your phone onto your couch, heading to the bathroom and slamming the door behind you, your mood now completely ruined. 

**

You stood outside the restaurant in your red flowy dress and heels as you waited for Taemin to show up. You checked your phone again and it was only 6:57pm, so it's not like he was late, you were just a naturally early person. 

"Hey." You hear from behind you. You turn around and see Taemin walking up to you, in his suit that fit him perfectly, his hair laid out in a perfect way to shape his face, his plump lips spread into a smile. 

"Hi." You smile. 

"Have you been waiting long?" He asks, pulling the door open for you. 

"Just a few minutes." You say, walking into the restaurant. "Not long at all." 

"Reservation for Lee Taemin." He tells the man at the front who then takes you to your seats. 

As the two of you look over the menu, the conversation is flowing and you can't control your laughter. You were having an amazing time with Taemin, but your heart wasn't fully in it. You took a sip of your wine as Taemin looked past you, slightly confused. 

"Hey man." He says, standing up. 

"What the hell are you doing?" You hear from behind you. It's Kai. 

"I'm on a date man," Taemin says, pointing to you. 

"With Ayn." Kai snaps. 

"Like.. the Ayn?" Taemin asks, looking between you both. 

"Yeah." Kai answers.

"Bro, I'm sorry, I didn't know," Taemin says, putting his hands up to surrender. 

"You don't get to do this." You spit, standing up from the table. "You don't get to waltz in here and pull this shit." 

"He's a friend, Ayn. He knows about everything and how bad I've wanted you back." Kai tries to explain. 

"Oh, I'm sure you wanted me back so bad." You scoff. "That's why you were getting all cozy with Hwasa yesterday right? That was wanting me back, right?" You yell, crying again. "I'm tired of you lying to me about her. Either you're done with her or you're not." You finish in a whisper. 

"I am done. Look, Ayn, it's not what you think at all. Please, please let me explain." He begs. 

You look around the restaurant at all the people watching you and your drama. "Fine." You whisper, sitting down slowly into your seat. 

"Do you mind?" Kai asks Taemin, pointing to his seat. 

"Get your girl, man." Taemin smiles, walking out of the restaurant, leaving you both to talk. 

"I'm just going to go to the bathroom." You sniffle, earning a smile from Kai. 

You walk to the bathroom, with the plans of fixing up your makeup, trying to make yourself look somewhat presentable again. But you never had expected to see Hwasa standing in the bathroom, leaning against the wall as if she was waiting for you.

"Awh." She fake pouts. "Poor little Ayn. Are you upset that you're trying to ruin someone else's relationship?" She asks. 

You ignore her. 

Hwasa laughs. "Do you think you've won because he's sitting out there wanting to talk to you? Sweetie, he walked out on you once, what makes you think he won't do it again?" She smiles. "If I were you, I'd be so insecure because I'm not giving up my man." She spits, walking out of the bathroom. 

Fuck your makeup, you storm right out of the bathroom and head for the table you share with Kai. "Are you done with her?" You ask, slamming your hands on the table. 

"W-what?" He asks. "Yes, I don't want her." 

"Then you should probably let her know because she just told me in the bathroom that she's not giving you up." You tell him. 

Kai stands up, looking around the restaurant. "Hwasa." He calls out. 

She smiles widely as she walks towards the table. "Hi, baby." She purrs, sliding her arm onto his shoulder. 

Kai pushes her off. "Look, I told you yesterday over coffee, I'm done. I don't want you." Kai growls. 

"Are you forgetting our little arrangement?" Hwasa scoffs. "I can pull out my money and you'll be ruined." She threatens. 

"You'll have your money back tomorrow, first thing. You're not hanging this over my head anymore, Hwasa." Kai spits, pointing to her face. "Get it through your thick skull, it's always been her." He finishes, walking towards you, taking  your hand and pulling you from the restaurant, leaving Hwasa standing there, looking like a fool. 

** 

It had now been a year of you and Kai being back together and they have been the best year of your life. After that night at the restaurant, you and Kai sat down and had a very long talk about everything, clearing the air, no more secrets. Slowly as the days went on, you began to trust him more and more, which led to you slowly dating again. 

After a few months you didn't want to do the slow thing anymore. You wanted him fully. You had no doubts about your relationship, and you didn't want to wait to give yourself fully to him. Kai had your heart in his hands, and you knew he would never do anything to break it again. 

** 

"You're lying." Kai whispers, staring at Hwasa with wide eyes. "You can't.. it's not mine." Kai says. 

"The Night of the hotel with the papers. That wasn't Ayn you were with. It was me." She tells you. 

Kai closes his eyes, flashing back to that night four months ago. 

"I miss you." You pout into the phone, making Kai chuckle on the other end. 

"I miss you too, baby." He groans. "I'm going to kill Baekhyun for this." 

"You can't kill him. He needs his best friend. Make sure you're safe tonight. I have something exciting to tell you when you get home in the morning." You smile, looking over at the positive pregnancy test sitting on the kitchen table. 

"Okay baby, they're calling me, so I will see you in the morning. I love you." He sighs. 

"I love you more." You whisper before hanging up the phone. 

**

"Sorry about that." Kai says, putting his phone in his pocket. 

"No worries." Hwasa answers, sliding papers towards him. "These are the transfer of ownership papers." She says, pouring a glass on whiskey for Kai. 

"This is all you called me here for? To give me papers?" He asks. 

"Yes." Hwasa answers. "Actually, I do have a question." She says.

Kai takes the glass drinking the shot before Hwasa fills it up again. 

"Why Ayn?" She asks. "What is so special about her?" 

Kai chuckles as he drinks another shot, and another one. "She was the first one to think of me as more than just a dick." Kai answers. "She saw i was worth more than being just a good fuck." 

Hwasa nods her head as she pours Kai another shot, his body beginning to feel warm. 

"I think you're more than just your dick." Hwasa whispers, pushing the shit towards him, leaning in closely to Kai. 

He takes a breath, smelling the air. It smells like you, he can smell your perfume. "Ayn." He smiles. His world spins slightly as he takes the shot. He looks up and he swears he sees you sitting across from him. 

"Lets go to bed." He hears. A woman helps him up, taking him up to a hotel room and laying him in the bed. 

"Ayn, my sweet baby. I like your dress." He smiles as he squints his eyes, watching the dress fall to the floor. 

"I want you." He hears a whisper, making him groan. 

"Oh baby, I want you too." Kai groans, unblocking his belt. 

He watches as his cock is pulled out. He closes his eyes as a mouth wraps around his tip, teasing him with a tongue before sucking hard, bobbing up and down as his cock gets sucked. 

"Fuck." He huffs, his hands reaching up and grabbing a chunk of hair, holding the head steady as he thrusts himself up, his cock sliding down the throat. 

"Ride my cock." He whimpers. 

His eyes are still closed as he feels a body climb up the bed, hovering over him before sitting on his cock. "Oh god." He hears moaned from above. He places his hands on hips, helping rock back and forth. 

"You always feel so good around my cock." He whines, his fingertips digging into the thighs on top of him. 

"Cum." He demands, his teeth clenched together. He listens to the sweet sound of moans from above him, as fingertips dig into his chest. 

It doesn't take long for Kai to cum, filling up the warm pussy that surrounds his cock. 

"Fuck, I love you." He sighs before falling asleep. 

In the morning Kai wakes up startled and confused. He remembers drinking with Hwasa, but he must have drank too much. He looks over and sees Hwasa sleeping in the other bed in the room, both of them still fully clothed. He went home that morning and told you about the wild sex dream he had about you, and you told him you were pregnant. 

** 

Kai walks in the door of your shared apartment and sees you standing there, with two tiny baby onesies, one with blue writing and one with pink. 

"It's twins babe." You cry. "A boy and a girl!" 

Kai walks towards you, dropping to his knees, sobbing with his head down.

"I'm so sorry Ayn, I fucked up." He whispers. "Hwasa's pregnant and it's mine." 

[studyingsobriety]

Relapsing

Relapsing. For non-addicts, “addiction” is the big and scary word. For recovering addicts, “relapse” is the real big and scary word. 

So let’s start with the basics. What is a relapse?

If you’re not familiar with the word, I suggest doing a little researching on the topic, but here is a link to a basic definition and explanation of a relapse.

As the article mentions, relapsing is totally normal for recovering addicts. Trying to quit an old habit and be totally done it with it forever is scary, and very hard needless to say. Plus, for lots of recovering addicts, including myself, the relapsing process is a huge growth experience. 

That being said, I am not at all condoning, suggesting, or recommending ANYONE to relapse. Experiencing a relapse is not fun, which I will get into here in a moment. If you feel perfectly fine being sober, don’t try a relapse just on a whim. I promise you, you will regret it. But what if you are feeling like relapsing?

Before I get too into what it’s like experiencing a relapse or how handle a relapse, let me tell you something that may blow your mind: A relapse begins weeks or even months before the action of using again happens. It’s crazy, right? So let’s say right now, you’re experiencing high cravings and you’re really thinking about giving in. Your relapse process has already started...probably days or weeks before you even started getting the cravings. 

A relapse is a process that happens over months or weeks. A process full of occasional triggers (external and internal, like emotions) and behaviors that feed into your cravings.

Here is how the process works in 10 stages (they don’t always have to happen in this order):

1. Denial - You’re concerned about your wellbeing, but you’re in denial of that concern. 

2. Avoidance & Defensive Behaviors - You may start worrying about others more than yourself. You may also experience impulsive or compulsive behaviors. 

3. Crisis Building - You may experience tunnel vision due to anxiety and/or depression. You’ll start to lack in planning things out, and when you do try to plan things out, you fail to do them.

4. Immobilization - You may find yourself “checking out” a lot or daydreaming.

5. Confusion and Overreaction - You feel confused about how you’re feeling and may also feel irritated.

6. Depression - You’ll experience a lack of routine and poor eating and sleeping habits.

7. Behavioral Loss of Control - You’ll start rejecting help from anyone. If you’re in a support group or recovery program, you may stop attending meetings.

8. Recognition of Loss of Control - You’ll realize you’ve lost control of your behavior. You’ll isolate yourself, pity yourself, and possibly lie to others saying you’re fine.

9. Option Reduction - You may stop getting help or treatment. You’ll resent sobriety. You’ll tell yourself the only ways out of this is by suicide or using again.

10. Relapse Episode - The relapse episode is when you finally use, causing bio-psycho-socio damage to your nervous system. 

Here are some signs the you or a recovering addict is slipping into the relapse process:

- expressing doubt

- depression or anxiety

- anti-social

- surrounding yourself with substance use

- saying you have it “under control”

- experiencing unfamiliar emotions

- all or nothing thinking (for example: well I already took a small sip, one glass wouldn’t hurt)

- change in attitude about sobriety (for example: it’s not worth staying sober)

- constant stress and lack of healthy coping mechanisms

- change in routine

Here are some behaviors that may feed into your cravings:

- poor diet

- excessive caffeine or nicotine

- lack of exercise 

- poor stress management

- euphoric recalls of usage

- awfulizing abstinence

- magical thinking about using

- empowering cravings (giving it more power and control over yourself; too hard to resist)

- denial and evasion (denying the recovery programs are helpful)

- social conflicts

- lack of communication 

Now that we’ve talked some about what can lead up to a relapse, here’s the real question: How do I stop myself from relapsing?

- BE AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS!!!

- recognize your triggers

- again, be aware of your emotions(!!!) and identify your behaviors. Are you feeling extra anxious or depressed? Are you no longer following through with your plans or routine?

- get busy! Fill your time with things that are proactive, things that will trigger the happy chemicals in your brain. Play with your pet, exercise, cook something, paint something (even if it’s ugly), do something!

- self care--PUT YOURSELF FIRST! You simply cannot take care of others as well as you could if you’re taking care of yourself! Drink water, get enough sleep, do things you enjoy, read a book!

- keep working toward your sobriety, even if you don’t want to

- maintain sober relationships. When you’re feeling anti-social, FORCE YOURSELF to reach out!

- know and avoid these setup behaviors I mentioned earlier

- when you get that euphoric recall, dismantle it. Yes, it may have felt amazing, but think about all the damage it’s caused.

- when you get a craving, wait it out. Cravings usually don’t last for longer than 30 minutes. Talk it out with a friend. Distract yourself by doing something else.

- finally, don’t shame yourself for getting a craving. Cravings are normal, no matter how long you’ve been sober. Accept your craving as normal, then go do something else!

Now that we’ve talked about what builds up to a relapse and how to prevent it from happening, what if you’ve already relapsed?

If you’re anything like me, or most addicts who relapse, you’re probably feeling very guilty and shameful. Whether your relapse happened just last night or it happened a month ago and you’ve been hiding your everyday usage from everyone...what you’re going through mentally and emotionally (and probably physically too) is a lot. 

The hardest part of a relapse is being honest about it, especially if you’ve been using for some time and have been hiding it. I once lied to my friends, family, support group, and therapists about my days sober for 2 weeks straight until it broke me. But something someone in my group said stuck with me: “Secrets keep us sick.” It’s true. After lying to everyone about my sobriety for those two weeks, the thought of lying one more time turned my stomach upside down. And I was killing myself with shame, guilt, and drugs more and more and more. 

The saddest part of a relapse are the reactions you’ll get when you are honest. You’ll get lots of “thank you for being honest with me” and “I know it took a lot of courage to come out and say that.” But you’ll lose a lot of trust in some people as well. People who don’t get it will blow up on you. Some people may be so upset they’ll say they can’t trust you anymore. What those people don’t know is that those aren’t the reactions we need at the moment. If you’re coming out about a relapse, you’re probably feeling loads of shame and guilt, and it’s hard not to continue to feel that way when others feed into it. You may even start to feel like losing hope. 

But please don’t do that. The BIGGEST thing to know if you’ve just relapsed, is that it’s perfectly normal, that you can’t change what you’ve done in the past so there’s no point on dwelling on it, and that all you can do is move forward from here. What does that look like to you? Moving forward? It’s different for everyone, but it’s a question you should ask yourself. I’ll tell you this, it’s going to require lots of patience and hard work to stay sober. You’re going to have to really prove yourself to some people to regain that trust back. And it’s going to take lots of time, some longer than for others. Patience. It’s a growing process, you’re just experiencing the growing pains. Just keep doing your best. Your best is enough. :)