#the schrodinger survivor

[sslsims4lookbook]

Day 5 of @windbrook's Slashed CAS Challenge, Heather Blair, the Academic Witch and Know it all

Heather is the teacher's pet and the local history and folklore buff who knows almost everything about Craven Falls and magic, sadly even in her encyclopedic of knowledge there isn't for her to save herself from poison and to the others who are targeting them in the Myers High Halloween Party Massacre, she survived but in a coma.

"Voted the most likely be the final girl of a slasher movie." Heather Blair's yearbook quote.

[sanjipussyindulgence]

one piece film red thoughts.

[celestialdetected]

I'm thinking about the village boys and girls Arawn used to play with. How he lost touch with them when he left to travel the continent. How there's a good chance one or two of them left his village, and were spared the destruction, but Arawn's too afraid to check.

Because what if there's no one and he is really the only survivor? How would he live knowing that for certain?

[revenantghost]

Listen. LISTEN. I know Wolfwood is probably going to die in Stampede. There's a 99.9% chance. It's movingly tragic and an excellently executed story beat, I can't even say that I want them to change that moment because the emotional impact is so deep. I don't even know how Orange would manage to hit that depth without it.

But also, that .1% chance they've set up with the changes they've made is so tantalizing. After living a life of torment, a life truly not lived, Wolfwood only has a moment of self-redemption and catharsis before that's it. Before he realizes how much he wishes he could live, and he can't. And that's what makes it so well done, but on the other side of the coin, it can be so moving and meaningful and impactful for someone to get dragged through hell, come out the other side of it, and keep walking. Do better and be better. Be the change that Vash himself sees in the world. Sometimes it means the world to see a trauma survivor keep kicking instead of crumbling under the wounds that the world's given them.

Like I said, I don't know if they could make that as powerful or as meaningful as what always happens to Wolfwood in every other universe. And I trust Nightow and Orange to do the story justice. Tbh I think the first season is going to seem light and fun compared to the darkness that will be coming. But until I am once again inevitably emotionally gutted, I'm going to cup this thought in my hands and admire it, even if I know the odds are a mountain against me.

So I know I'm off my rocker, but Stampede's Wolfwood stays Schrodinger's Wolfwood. To me.

[drylan]

some more rylan headcanons

dylan has a bit of a tummy and softer pecs. he used to be self conscious about that, but has come to accept and like that part of himself, especially when ryan nuzzles tummy/chest pretty often.

ryan wears dresses/skirts pretty often. he never did at camp because duh he doesn't want to get his nicer clothes dirty. dylan nearly faints the first time he sees ryan in a black, lacy goth dress. wow.

ryan didn't have any family pets before, so he has never lived with a cat. that being said, he adores schrodinger and she definitely accepts him as dad #2. it took a bit of time, but neither of them will forget the first night where they were both chilling on the couch and she jumped onto ryan's lap instead of dylan's

they're both halfway decent at cooking and take turns, but neither will say no if one of them suggests just ordering a pizza

in high school dylan did gymnastics (which he keeps up a modified version of after losing his hand) and basketball (not by choice, his dad made him do it), in addition to band and physics club. ryan did track and field (he's always liked running), swim/rowing (duh), and was part of his school's small but loyal anime club. ryan also had a small stint in the mathletes, and wasn't actually too bad, but it just took up too much of his time and he didn't really like it, so he left

dylan grows his hair out a bit after the events of hackett's quarry. ryan likes to brush and braid it for him, sometimes, too.

likewise, dylan loves to massage ryan's scalp on wash day (honestly personal goals i would love someone to massage my scalp on my wash days lol)

ryan isn't big on social media except for sharing progress on his animation projects, buuut he definitely loves how often dylan posts pictures of them, and lets dylan pick what picture of them he should use for his profile pic

guess who is scared of needles and isn't dylan? ryan can't help it, okay! dylan holds his hand through the entire time for his first tattoo (it is a small tribute to his late dad)

meanwhile dylan has a scarily high tolerance for physical pain. sometimes it concerns ryan, but dylan will often reassure him that he will let him know if he is really hurt.

dylan is obvious when he's jealous, ryan simmers in silence. their jealousy never lasts long, though. their bond and loyalty to each other is just too strong.

miscommunication is somewhat of an issue early on in their relationship. dylan tries so hard to always be 'on' and 'blase dylan' to avoid facing some of the trauma and awkwardness that it frustrates and confuses ryan, especially since he can see through it. with a bit of progress in therapy for both of them and a few difficult conversations, they find a healthy balance that allows them to deepen their relationship.

they love sitting in each other's laps. again, not necessarily big on PDA, but goddamn ryan often uses dylan for a seat and dylan usually has at least one limb laid over ryan at minimum. they just like the physical contact

ryan helps dylan shave after he loses his hand. he's so gentle and tender. they'll never forget those moments, looking into each other's eyes as ryan gently moved the blade. dylan learns again how to shave his face properly with his slightly less dominant hand, but every so often he'll make big puppy dog eyes and ask ryan to do it. ryan says yes every time.

ryan finds them new podcasts and shows for them to binge. dylan finds them concerts and community events to go to.

they get married by a judge with little fanfare and have a pretty sick party with their families and fellow hackett's quarry survivors after. (yes they play truth or dare)

dylan is absolutely mesmerized by watching ryan swim for, y'know, obvious reasons.

ryan is instantly hot in his pants whenever dylan goes off on some nerdy rant.

they have a 'toy' chest, as well as an extra dresser in their closet full of leather and lace lingerie. oh, and dylan's sexy nurse costume.

"babe" is their often go-to pet names, but dylan does call ryan "big guy" more often than they'd like to admit. ryan also likes it more than he would like to admit.

[nihilnovisubsole]

the adventures of royce everard, warrior of light continue! i am officially A Subscriber, thank you squenix for putting it on sale

we have a backstory now: royce was the captain of a dragoon unit that was wiped out in the chaos surrounding the calamity. ashamed of being the sole survivor, she exiled herself from ishgard and became a wanderer, helping others to atone for her failure to protect them.

[apparently one of the developers made an off-the-cuff comment about how there are only ten dragoons or something at any given time. we all agree that doesn't make sense, right? good. moving on]

that means all this chosen-one stuff with echoes and crystals would have come as a surprise, and not a welcome one. royce thinks it should've been someone younger, purer of heart, on a path yet undefined, unafraid of screwing it up. it probably makes her reticent to join the scions at first: fighting with others is a chance for history to repeat itself.

it also makes the coerthas quests deliciously uncomfortable, because royce left, and did not want to come back, and yet here she is. the locals aren't hostile to her because she's a foreigner, they're contemptuous because she's the captain who abandoned her post. she had neither the honor to die with her squad nor stay and debase herself, and that drives them to distraction. meanwhile, royce is too honor-bound not to help them. ugh.

anyway, enough OC rambling. what my friends said still rings true: the game really wants you to headcanon, and leaves ample room to do it. i'm far enough in the story now that raubahn calls royce "my friend," and i'm like, yes! they acknowledged the thing i made up! schrodinger's canon! let's do it!!

besides, i may have to wait until i play through heavensward to refine her more. there's not much about ishgard in the early game. i'm in no hurry. i'm enjoying the ul'dahn political intrigue as much as i thought i would. what a mess of a city. what an interesting place

i just. i. uh. hmm. how do i put this delicately. my mother taught me that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything

i wanna design an outfit for the sultana. my diminutive friend, the puffs! the ruffles! you have so many! i promise you don't need all of those!

literally cannot believe that one NPC who keeps lying to the authorities about having fought primals. the one with the chocobo face tattoo? what is this game. it serves me gut-wrenching tragedy and this dude in the same breath. you can't get cuisíne like this from any other restaurant

gee bill, how come your mom lets you use two dyes? i hope the upcoming change lets me dye royce's armor the way i want it to. i have my eye on a certain set, but the current dye system leaves the trim this weird shade of brown, which is the thing i wanted to recolor in the first place

[10 hour chocobo music loop.mp3]

[baldinar]

Who is Decanee? How is She Different From Kaze’aze?

Crossposting this from the r/GrandChase subreddit where I went a little bit off the rails explaining what’s up with Decanee. Figured it’d be good to put it here on this blog too. It’s way too long, so it’s under a cut. Be forewarned there’s spoilers for GC:DC and GCC! TL;DR is near the top.

Also, I absolutely have more thoughts about this topic that we’ve got going into the essay on plurality in GC(DC) because. Oh my god. You know how evolution-wise everything eventually becomes crabs? That but with fucking plural characters in this franchise, Gods help me. A lot of that is up to interpretation of course but I think that essay’s kind of further back in our post log and. I will not go on that tangent right now.

Enjoy the unhinged essay on these characters we wrote at like 3 AM lmao.

[ So I might be in the process of writing way too many essays about this series, especially about this single nebulous character lmao, so here's the Lore:tm: that you get from playing further through the mobile game, including what's up with Karina in this all too. Spoilers for the Bermesiah, Ellia, and Pandemonium worlds and also what you can see in the event dungeon in GCC.

First, the tl;dr in case you're not here for an essay: Karina was turned into a demon by Ashtaroth (possessed by the evil prana of Baldinar). Everyone turns on her, so she decides she's going to make it everyone's problem that she's a demon now. She's now Kaze'aze. The plot of GCC happens; Kaze'aze is defeated in her castle. What we are told is Kaze'aze shows up in Tower of Disappearance, but the event dungeon (Tower of Illusion) tells us that this is potentially Decanee, who is a construct made by Heitaros to imitate Kaze'aze and sow chaos. Decanee takes the memories remaining from Kaze'aze. During the events of GC:DC, she purposefully lets people think she's Kaze'aze when it benefits her (such as with getting Vice's help or taunting the GC in Teroka). At the end of it all, however, she's nothing but a creation designed to press on the old wounds created by Kaze'aze.

Now. This is the longer version. All this is thankfully available to read on the wiki in a longer, less centralized version. You can also find folks playing through the story on Youtube.

Karina Erudon was a member of the Kanavan guard, a close friend of Anyumena (the Queen of Kanavan). One day, their caravan was attacked. The queens survived, but Ashtaroth (possessed by the evil prana of Baldinar that was remnant after the explosion of Kounat), wanted to take revenge on the descendants of Kounat's survivors and cause them pain. Thus, he cast a demonization spell on Karina, framing her for the attack. The country pushed her out, and eventually Ashtaroth approached her with the offer to teach her her magic once she'd grown resentful of her countrymen.

At this point, Karina is given the name Kaze'aze. According to some dialogue said in the GC:DC Tower of Disappearance (potentially just flowery language butchered by the translation), Karina was dead by time her body became Kaze'aze. Regardless, people still think of Karina when they see Kaze'aze, and her memories as Karina no doubt help her cause chaos and start the war that inevitably leads to the formation of the Grand Chase. She is killed in her castle, claiming that she will eventually return to take revenge on the Grand Chase.

At this point, her memories find their way into the many towers that dead souls find themselves into; the Tower of Disappearance is the most memorable one, as it shows up in both Grand Chase Classic and GC:DC. It's difficult to tell which version of events are canon here: the in-game dialogue, Episode &, or the retelling in the GC:DC intro. Regardless, the Kaze'aze that shows up here is Schrodinger's Dekaze'aze. She might be Decanee imitating Kaze'aze, she might not be. Hopefully, KOG will give us a definitive answer. Probably not. 

Let's talk about Decanee specifically, though.

Decanee is a construct explicitly created by Heitaros to cause chaos. According to Pino, she is "The Existence that Sows the Seeds of Chaos." She is quite literally designed to emulate Kaze'aze. She's rather open about this, kind of offering non-answers during the story about being not quite Kaze'aze, but this is taken to an extreme conclusion in the arc leading up to Pandemonium. Decanee is working with a sorcerer, Vice, who was extremely close with Karina. A keen eye will notice that any time Vice calls Decanee "Karina," she is nonchalant about going "well if you say so haha." This even shows in Vice's final scene at the end of Tower of Disappearance.

Some final thoughts, before I wrap this up lol. Let's look at the new GCC event dungeon.

There's a lot of ambiguity to the degree that Decanee has genuinely integrated Kaze'aze's memories into her consciousness. At the end of Tower of Illusions, she absorbs Kaze'aze's remnant memories, which appear to have some cognizance remaining, and then nearly loses herself to those memories, becoming Kaze'aze. She manages to pull herself together in the end, and by time we see her in GC:DC it's much less often that we see her slip into the persona of Kaze'aze.

Personally, I'm really excited to see if KOG actually wants to acknowledge the interesting line this character toes between the perception of self and identity, but it's also KOG and I only have these expectations because I am literally writing essays for fun about this garbage game lmao. Here's hoping she's fun to play at least, and so sorry if an infodump was not what you wanted lol.]

[wander-wren]

wren's clangen adventures, pt 1

i played clangen for like?? two weeks back when it was first a thing in august, then stopped bc College, but....i love cats. so lets get back into it. new version of the game, new clan, all that. if i get into it enough maybe we will do a fanfic or a sideblog or something

pt 2 will probably be like, me making proper lore and things. if it ever happens. woo

this post is just gonna be me making my brand new clan and probably yelling about the changes of almost three months. be warned its 1 in the morning

first of all, SO many cool new settings, lets go, its prettier?? wow?? okay clan time. i spent like 15 minutes trying to think of a clan name lol and decided to go with hazeclan. foggy bros?? i guess

and LOOK at this lovely lady right off the BAT. i like the idea of a faithful leader. also i think shes pretty. lets go

oh no i didnt look at anyone else closely and now i got a buncha elders and a buncha babies. no thats a lie i have some okay people. like this pretty lady who will be brightstar's deputy :)) buckfoot is just. i thought it was weird name but its grown on me

alright, he's kinda plain looking, but his name intrigues me AND he's got a strange trait, mans has to be medcat. hellooo hawkhare

hm collected everyone except the elders....let it be known that they are called bigwatcher, daygoose, and antwish. i recruited daygoose bc cmon, goose suffix??

ooh wait i can CHOOSE THEIR TERRITORY?? okay where would you live if you were named hazeclan....mountain cliff? it was either that or beach tidepools but im not feeling a beachy vibe

look at themmm

WAIT CATS CAN BE TRANS NOW

DAYGOOSE IS NONBINARY?????

hell yeah good for them

alright let's play through a year real quick and see what happens

wait I CAN TRANS THE CAT'S GENDER?? who will be my test dummy,,,,, hell yeah lichenblossom

also daygoose got given a holly berry i shouldnt get attached to the old people but they are so CUTE

AWW jaypaw and daygoose each had a positive interaction with each other. cuteee. ALSO WE GOT A NEW KIT!! brookkit. clangen refused to take this into account but let it be known that lichenblossom found her. we also found a loner!! her name is mouseheart she is LOVELY

so basically shes my new favorite. prebby baby. survivor of a tragedy backstory?? we love angst. also patient and good teacher. cute traits

mayday yall daygoose FELL IN A RIVER and got hurt

also. lmao

daygoose is a badass. they got a scar defending the territory

the flavor text, funnily enough, is "thinking about how too many cats die young." daygoose will outlive all of us and if they dont uhh i'll hack the game. daygoose forever

next moon: daygoose fucking dies

i swear yall i spent a solid hour attempting to resurrect daygoose bc the new game files confused me and uhhh i accidentally broke something somewhere and now it will Not open :]] its okay i uhh immediately went to bed and forgot i was drafting this post so good evening. daygoose is at the moment schrodinger's cat.

i have too much Shit to do in my real not-cat-related life unfortunately but when i get some time again i will look into The That. tune in later for hazeclan adventures

[childabusesurvivor]

Sharing - The idea that many people grow following trauma may be a myth

New Post has been published on https://www.childabusesurvivor.net/reviews/2022/10/11/sharing-the-idea-that-many-people-grow-following-trauma-may-be-a-myth/

Sharing - The idea that many people grow following trauma may be a myth

Turns out that much of the science behind the idea that there is this common “growth” that occurs after trauma might just be wrong. It may be a combination of setting that expectation for someone who survives trauma and then asking them to recall what they felt like before the trauma compared to now, something humans are historically bad at doing.

It is likely much more complicated, and we may never know because some people might grow from it, and others may not. But did they grow because of it? It doesn’t matter.

“Ultimately, the most compassionate response to suffering is to validate survivors’ feelings, Jayawickreme says. “How people respond to adversity is nuanced. People can change in positive ways. People can change in negative ways. People cannot change at all. And that’s fine.””

Over the years of having this website, I’ve had many people suggest that my abusive childhood made me more compassionate and a kinder human being. Or, maybe it gave me a better sense of humor or made me more spiritual.

Or maybe it didn’t. No version of me wasn’t abused. If there had been a version of me that wasn’t abused, he could be more compassionate. He could be a complete narcissist. He could be funnier or kinder. He could be a selfish ass.

No one knows. That version of me is Schrodinger’s cat. It’s all the possibilities because the box can never be opened to see what’s inside.

So did the abuse make me more of whatever positive trait you want to identify, or did it maybe make me less of that? What if we stop trying to find the “good” that comes from trauma and recognize how damaging it is to go through any kind of trauma?

The reality is that no one asks to be traumatized, and not everyone gets out of it intact. Some of us are lucky. Some of us not only survive the trauma but also mostly manage to overcome its effects. Some of us might even survive the trauma and become better human beings than we were before despite it. Some of us won’t be able to do that.

Most of all, let’s stop normalizing “growth” as the result of things that we shouldn’t have had to live through in the first place. That just lets society off the hook for reducing trauma in the first place.

https://www.sciencenews.org/article/trauma-ptsd-growth-myth-cultural-narrative-mental-health

#Abuse, #ACE, #Compassion, #PTSD, #Survivors, #Trauma

[chicago-geniza]

Ok waiting for meds to kick in & once again trapped in the bathroom, so:

Józef Wulf in Wiadomości, '65: "Swoje piękne 'My, Żydzi Polscy' poświęcił Tuwim [...] żydowskiej 'Matce w Polsce lub najukochańszemu jej cieniowi.' Tylko na tle tego cienia możemy dystutować." Thinking about "prawo do wyboru narodu" in the interwar Polish liberal-intelligentsia press as a fundamental, inalienable right of each individual, "the right to not be Jewish" as expressed by many second-wave Soviet emigres in the 70s, & "Jewish absence" as a rhetorical device & a...mimetic device, maybe? Also artistic device, e.g., in Wajda's Dybbuk, where "absence" is made synonymous with "authenticity." The a priori of these postwar discourses becomes, to put it crudely, the beloved shadow of the lost Jewish mother. However. However. Sometimes she is in New York speaking Russian; sometimes she moved to Italy and took the sacrament when JP II became Pope; sometimes she survived but left Jewishness behind, when she had already abandoned Judaism before the war. Assimilation and its discontents! The prewar discourse bleeds into the postwar discourse, the "right to choose one's nationality," to renounce Jewishness (religious sense, pyatyi punkt sense)-->the physical absence of Jews-->Schrodinger's assimilated emigré Holocaust survivor. Fake thesis elevator pitch tl;dr

[calltoamentor]

Why They Stay: Living With Schrodinger's Abuser

Why do they stay? This is a question that plagues abuse survivors the world over, and now I would like to throw my answer on the pile. A deeply personal example of what staying in a Narcissistic relationship for ten years looked like for me.

Daily writing promptWrite about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?View all responses Do you ever look back on a time in your life and find yourself thinking: Why am I still alive?That is where my mind goes whenever I find myself thinking over my time in the Pit. To be clear, I do not think the Pit Beast would have killed me. It would have taken…

[sslsims4lookbook]

Day 11 of @windbrook's Slashed CAS Challenge, Malachi "Mal" Thorncastle, the hunter, red herring for the killer, and 5th onscreen death(?) in the story.

Malachi "Mal" Thorncastle was the town's "bad boy" due to his history of mental illness, being non-verbal(selective mutism) and the rumors of him being an illegitimate son of the serial killer and one of his targets, making him unpopular at school with only Jakob and Sayoko as his social circle, and was invited to be Sayoko's date by Jakob for the Halloween party to set things up for their mutual crush to each other but got late, and upon seeing all the dead bodies, pick up a knife and start his hunt of the killer to protect his remaining friends.

"I want to tell you that I love you..." the last words Mal said to Sayoko

[radiqueer]

Schrödinger's survivor

[see-arcane]

I just relistened to TMA S5, and I’m just. Upset, I guess? With the exception of Jon, they all *knowingly* passed on the certainty of fear and pain to other universes just bc they didn’t wanna deal with it anymore, damning all of the people in *those* universes, and they *didn’t care*.

And Jon was *ignored and drowned out* just bc his opinion didn’t align with theirs.

I dunno. I disliked the ending the first time I listened, I dislike it now, and I just wanted to vent to someone who would understand

It was sour, it was undeserved, it was ruthless, it was a compilation and compounding of all the miseries Jon went through in season 4--distrusted, disregarded, and with no repercussions or acknowledgment of the other characters' hypocrisy; how they were glad to demonize Jon when he gnawed on nightmares VS the damning of a multiverse to save a single world, hiding behind the flimsy excuse of:

"Well, we don't KNOW we're dooming infinite victims to the Fears. It's very likely, probably a 99/100 chance considering the Web itself set this all up, but since we get to play Schrodinger rather than being the cat in the box, it's fine!"

Which would be marginally more allowable if any of them had admitted to the selfishness of their actions. Admitted it was for the sake of their friends, family, and Earth that they were willing to become complicit in an actively evil choice. Unhappy, reluctant villains, same as Jon. But no. Even here, they couldn't admit they were in the wrong--it's Jon who's the monster for considering genocide (to starve the Fears to death and be rid of them for good). Jon who is the (unwilling) Harbinger. Jon who is now and always wrong, inhuman, and an ignorable Other.

It all adds up to a supremely loathsome ending for Jon's narrative, with or without the enigma of his actual death, with or without Martin's bittersweet company. We're meant to hate this for him as much as we're meant to cast sidelong glances at the survivors; we are the listeners who do, in fact, exist. Jon was right all along. We are not hypothetical. We are real. We are witnesses. We are fed to the chopping block by the very 'heroines'*** wishing us good luck on the other side.

That's kind of the point of tragic cosmic horror. It's meant to be titanic in its wretchedness and fear. It is our pity for the protagonist and the victims en masse that makes it cut so awfully. And memorably.

I commend you for listening to the ending a second time, because I can't stomach that perfectly orchestrated cruelty twice.

[mybg3notebook]

Astarion and Power - Part 2

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were made up to the game version v4.1.101.4425. As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information.

Additional disclaimers about meta-knowledge and interpretations in (post)

The number between brackets [] represents the topic-block related to (this post), which gathers as much evidence as I could get.

Astarion: abuser / victim

Disclaimer about interpretation victim/abuser: I’m not a fan of bringing the allegory to the plain explicit comparison with serious stuff from real life, but the fandom seems to focus a lot on this aspect and therefore I would like to share my opinion on it. This topic may be sensitive for some people. Be aware of it. 

If we are going to engage into the comparison abuser/victim, from the section (Backstory: Mortal Astarion) we can assume that mortal Astarion was developed as an abuser so far the facts we got from the game/interviews. There is little doubt about it with the bits of information we have in EA. Maybe the full game or a retcon of his past may change this in the future. 

As a vampire spawn, Astarion presents a duality abuser-victim that comes from the archetype of the “bad behaved victim”. 

(Squeezing him in the shoulder. You try to connect, to let him know he's not alone- but he twists like a snake.) “No, I don't need your pity. I don't need anything from you. Go back to your wet dreams and leave me be.''

As a slave under Cazador’s power, humiliated and physically and psychologically tortured, he becomes a victim. He displays many of the most common behaviours of traumatised survivors: dismissal of the actions he suffered (humiliation and cruelty), sensitivity or violent rejection of gestures of pity, paranoia (for the abuser to appear at any moment), reiterative dreams focused on the abuser or their tortures, pride that may reach into arrogance of having survived tough situations. Considering that survival mode is his default, he can turn any of these aspects into tools to manipulate any potential benefactor (he may care little about). As long as he has a protector, he would do anything at his disposal to keep pleasant and agreeable to that benefactor (this characteristic is a permanent, constant, and obvious trait in his character).

But he is not a mere victim, he is also an abuser. And this aspect has been studied in psychology and sociology: it’s not a surprise that a good amount of abusers were victims before. There is a psychological process that can make victims prone to harness as much power as they can in order to avoid the abuse, and in doing so they become abusers. The fact that they can inflict similar or the same trauma on someone else, shifts the power imbalance they had always perceived in their life: the ex victim—now abuser—finds psychological relief. They find a way to perceive themselves as not powerless anymore, and this process can cross limits, making them enjoy when causing the same torture they suffered before. This is the (extremely brief and simplified) process known as the transformation of victim to victimiser (in a general violence-related way, not necessarily focused on sexual abuse), which tends to affect, so far the statistics show, a group of victims. 

With this brief introduction of the topic from the real life (this is why I dislike so much these comparisons, serious stuff brought into a fantasy world always feels like dismissing the real life issue) we can understand that Astarion has acquired a twisted taste to enjoy the same torments he suffered on himself, but applied on creatures he considers lesser: animals and weak creatures [3,4,6,7,11]. There is pride in his survival [14]: he follows the philosophy: “if I could survive it, you could do it too, otherwise, you must perish”.

He enjoys humiliation [6,10], despite being one of the most sensitive aspects that could trigger a violent reaction in him when Tav tries to humiliate him (dialogue about the Bedchamber Master). He enjoys the power he can have over others, over their wills [11], and aspires to have the control of the tadpole, at first to be free of Cazador’s influence, but as long as the game progresses, his intentions become clearer: he wants to control the tadpole to become powerful: the most powerful vampire of Faerun and bend everyone’s will [12]. This aspect is also ironic and hypocritical since Astarion displays violent reactions against mind control or against any intervention of his mind, so it’s something that triggers him in particular (video here).

He also has a taste to enjoy cruelty on animals [4], maybe because of all the resentment he has against them for having been the only means to sustain himself (he is directing his cruelty and hatred to the wrong group of living creatures though). And he also finds entertainment in murder and bloodshed [2,3,13], just because of it, most probably because all these abuses are proofs that he is now “more powerful” than those suffering it. However, part of this could be explained due to the Dark Desires element of the vampirism, to be fair. But considering Astarion’s backstory, I would say that vampirism only deepens his already evil traits.

Also, as a comment aside, I like to highlight how all this characterisation defies the romantisation of the archetype of the “good victim”. A good victim is—explaining it briefly and oversimplified—the one who encourages to spread goodness, self-sacrifice; their pain is hidden and/or used to improve, tends to be a highly empathetic person in front of similar abuses they suffered. It’s the antipode of the “bad behaved victim.” Which is basically all what we see in Astarion: selfish, violent, whimsical, cruel, psychopath.

In conclusion, we can see Astarion as a vampire spawn who embodies the duality of Victim-Abuser. 

However I would like to note that this is not a char where we can see how the victim becomes an abuser exclusively. In Astarion’s case, it is even more twisted because in his past he was a victimiser. His character lies on a Schrodinger duality: he was an abuser when he was mortal, he is an abuser and a victim at the same time as a vampire spawn (his torments can be understood as poetic justice since Astarion embodied the—corrupt—Justice himself), and he aspires to retake his abuser position in the future (so far EA allowed us to see it or the description of his characters in Larian’s web page), enjoying all the potential that the power of the tadpole can give him to “bend the will of others''. 

Astarion’s story represents topics that should allow us to think about how abusers are created, how they could also be victims, and how victims are not always free of evilness. Astarion also embodies the concept of how far punishment makes sense, how you can punish the abuse if there is no justice, how to punish evilness when it’s placed to have control of the Justice itself. How could we understand the punishment of evil creatures when there is no repent but a deepening of their evil nature? And finally… Would any victim not desire for their abuser to have a punishment like Astarion’s? 

I like to think that Cazador also represents the “modern prison system”, where criminals are gathered in panoptic structures (in this case, Astarion’s mind), tortured in many ways, while society expects them to recover. There is also the concept of how and when recovery is not possible anymore, because let’s be honest, saving people from dark paths is not always possible. Real life psychopath, serial rapists, and a broad amount of creatures who revel in torture and murder are beyond salvation. If we consider Cazador and Astarion as mirrored figures, it makes us think about how much of all of his story is about the eternal cycle of violence and about evilness without salvation. Also, this reflection of one on the other makes us believe that if there is no salvation for Cazador, there shouldn't be salvation for Astarion either; if Astarion can be saved… Cazador should too (after all, we don’t know anything about Cazador’s story). So many things to think about.

All these aspects and topics to think about are what make Cazador-Astarion dynamics worth understanding with a realistic and dark perspective of evilness, without woobifying Astarion as sadly a big part of his fandom does. 

As a note of colour to finish this section, it’s interesting to re-read the paragraph I had written in the first part (Astarion and Power - Part 1) where I briefly described Cazador. If we replace Cazador by the word Astarion we will obtain a curious result:

>>>Astarion has a particular pleasure for control, especially the one related to people’s will (we can see this pleasure progresses over time, increasing it. His need for freedom turns slowly into wanting to have control on everyone, because with power he can do everything he wants to). He enjoys cruelty, humiliation, and torture (read the analysis post done (here), there are dozens of facts showing it). He enjoys playing psychologically with his victims. He also likes to give false hope, making his victims believe that there is hope, removing it right in front of them (the Arabella’s approvals about making her parents believe she is alive when she is not, Mayrina’s hope of reviving her husband).

There are so many questions left in the air: has Cazador imparted Justice? Is 200 years too long for a punishment? I don’t believe there is an easy answer here. First, because we are mixing serious real-life dynamics in a fantasy setup, with the twisted componen of vampirism (a fantasy element always considered an allegory of abuse, power, and rape) and second, despite the analogy is there, and the comparison can be done lightly, Astarion has a particular backstory, with a particular amount of meta-knowledge that makes those answers even more complicated. 

Astarion’s Pain and Shallowness

Back scars scene (full Datamining info)

A pair of videos that pjenn has posted about Astarion’s scars on his back (1) (2) shows that he needs help to read it since he can’t see it in reflective surfaces due to his vampire nature. We get from the narrator: 

* He might be sneering, but you can see pain in his eyes. He needs help, but doesn’t know how to ask. *

What we can infer from this is that Astarion, whether mortal or spawn, never asked for help, and if this is true, I’m confused. If he truly doesn’t know how to ask for help… what had been happening with all the previous interactions he had with Tav? Implicitly asking for help against Cazador? The only answer I have to explain why 25 hours of game with Astarion asking for help against Cazador are suddenly erased and now “he doesn’t know how to ask to”, is that all those 25 hrs are about manipulation. Not a true, honest, clean asking for help. There is not much to say about this scene since it’s entirely under work so far. 

Mirror scene (full Datamining info)

This scene is mostly about vanity and, again, manipulation. 

He doesn't remember the colour of his eyes, and he barely remembers his face. As a vampire, he can‘t see his projection nor cast shadows. He explicitly says that he misses vanity, and even though it may be an honest loss he feels, he doesn’t miss the opportunity to use this moment as another hook to throw at Tav to keep them under his control as well as testing how deep his charm has reached Tav (If Tav shows appreciation, Astarion knows he keeps them under his thumb).

This scene basically shows that, even though evil characters/abusers also suffer (maybe the game would make us reflect eventually about Cazador’s pain?), and Astarion is stating his pain for losing things he appreciated: petty vanity (he can’t see himself in a mirror) and his memories (he has no memory of the colour of his eyes and his face is vague), he is still using all these moments to keep on working on his survival manipulation:

“(Vanity) is an indulgence, I’ll grant you that, but a weakness? A well-presented face can open a lot of doors.”

He has a personal drama, as he stated it at first, and the focus of all his conversation is always about how what he lost was a means for an end too. 

If Tav is the one engaging into being his Mirror, Astarion engages to appraise the reach of his presence in Tav. If Tav simply states it’s a decent face, Astarion will push the engagement for that appraisal. If you mock him about his age and skin, he won’t be offended (after all the moment is not meaningful for him, it’s shallow), and he would insist on a proper praise, because he is trying to taste the ground. 

The moment was meant to be used, and Astarion did it. It was not special to him:

"Mirrors are not much use, but being reflected in someone's else's eyes? I could do much worse.

If we do not derail the conversation in the funny moments where you can mock his beauty, age and skin, we keep gathering more information about what Astarion values the most:

Tav: “Is it all what you want? shallow praise?” Astarion: "Hardly, there is also gold, sex, revenge, quite the list, really. But failing any of those, I will always settle for shallow praise."

There is another option in this scene where Tav says that vanity is a reasonable price for vampire powers, but for once, Astarion is not so eager about this power, because it comes with Cazador. He knows that the price is way much bigger. 

Tav: “Vanity is a small price to pay to have vampire powers”. Astarion: "To you. To me it's just another thing that Cazador took from me".

The only moment when you can get a more emotional reaction is when you mock him about age/beauty/skin. That is how shallow this scene is. If you are a githyanki and your compliments are a list of raw facts about his persona, even if they are good or bad, Astarion can’t appraise Tav with that, and gets frustrated. 

Personally I think this scene has little value per se beyond the comedy, and even less value in terms of lore when you have Disguise spell available for so many characters. Anyone can disguise themselves as Astarion and he would finally see what he looks like… so… more reasons to show how cheap and shallow this scene is. Maybe that was the intention. Maybe it needs more work since, after all, it’s datamining info. There is not much to say about this scene since it’s entirely under work so far. 

The concept of Redemption/endings 

Among the (Datamined information) we have a set of gems under the name of Drunk bear (1) (2) (3) scenes, which speak more about Astarion and his relationship with Cazador and Power.

Tav: “You can start over. You can be better than what he made you.”

Ast: “Exactly. I can be better than him. Stronger, more powerful, more- oh, you meant “be kinder”? Pet bunnies, that sort of thing? I’ve no objection to being nice, of course. Once I have the power to bend others to my will.

T: “You think power lets you do anything free from consequences?”

A: “Well… yes. You can’t look at the world and tell me I’m wrong.”

T: “The strong have a duty to protect the weak”

A: “They’re doing a piss poor job, then. The strong had two centuries to pluck me from torture, but no one came. No, it was the mind flayers that rescued me. They gave me a gift: the strength to take my own freedom. I’m embracing this power- you should too.”

T: “You are free now. That’s what matters.”

A: “Is it? What good is freedom if I'm always watching in the shadows? No. I will be safe when I'm powerful enough to grind cazador into the dust. Powerful enough to do whatever the hell I want.”

T: “Power corrupts. You’d do well to remember that.”

A: “Oh I hope so. A little corruption sounds fun. I spent centuries as the victim of a corrupt man. It was the mind flayers that plucked me away from that.”

So far we see in this scene, Astarion reinforces his evilness, his desire for power, not just enough to save himself from Cazador’s claws, but to control other people, even though mind control is a triggering effect when it affects his own will. I believe in this interaction we see the contrast of the story that Astarion narrates mainly: the abuser who found a more powerful abuser. We shouldn’t forget he comes from a past where he was a corrupt magistrate. These words have almost a hypocrite meaning here. Astarion was a magistrate, by definition, someone who held power and should have helped those in despair, but he was corrupt and did not care. When he became a spawn, he ended up on the other side of the imbalanced power. He was the one asking for a powerful entity to help him, and none came, suffering a similar fate of despair than those who sought in him the concept of Justice and Power Used For Fairness. Like Astarion’s victims found freedom when a twisted creature like Cazador was incorporated into this situation, Astarion was free when the Mind flayers saved him from Cazador. 

I will not repeat this again: Astarion, so far in Early Access, looks like the story that could explain why Cazador is who he is. These scenes bring once more, another of the many proofs along the game where we see that Astarion has not learnt anything from his torment, he has not improved, he has turned into a more twisted and evil man than he was when he was a mortal magistrate, and there is no intentions to become a little more sympathetic. 

This brings me to think that, at least in EA, glimpses of future paths for Astarion may all be related to different degrees of evilness. 

First of all, we need to remember that Astarion is an evil character, and if we assume that what Sven said in several interviews doesn’t change, Larian is going to break the style this worked in bg1 and bg2, not making big shifting of the alignment in companions. For this reason I think these endings would entitle variations of evilness.

Astarion keeps repeating over and over his opinion about power as the only means to have access to his freedom. And as long the game evolves, he began to reinforce the importance of having power to “do whatever he wants”. Considering his tastes (how much he enjoys cruelty and bloodshed) we can agree that Astarion “doing whatever he wants” is not a good thing for Faerûn. He finds murdering a fine show, an entertainment. Certainly Astarion is a child of Bhaal in his fullest. 

He even mocks Tav when they comment about looking for self-improvement. “I can be better than him. Stronger, more powerful, more- oh, you meant “be kinder”? (...) Once I have the power to bend others to my will.” This is Cazador speaking. 

So, considering these details, I would suggest (predict is a too strong a word for this) that we have chances to three different kinds of endings and their variations:

The first one, screaming in all what Astarion does: Astarion becomes a full vampire and ends up as the next Cazador. If his approval is high (or some hidden requirement is met) he can turn his lover into another full vampire. If these requirements are not met, in a spawn, repeating the cycle that Astarion suffered but now, on Tav. 

The second one could be with Astarion killing Cazador remaining as a spawn and an agent of chaos and bloodshed. Maybe his relationship with Tav may help to have certain control on him (since we had seen that Astarion so far has been asking permission to kill npcs when the situation arises, so the MC could be turning into a master of choice.)

The third one, finding the cure of Vampirism, and letting Astarion continue with his life of evil corrupted magister. 

Some people ask about the possibility of a Redemption arc. I hardly see it (especially if I keep in mind how bg1 and bg2 worked, they never offered a “real” redemption arc, just small shifts here and there.)

Redemption could be acquired, according to these fans, using two mechanics. 

Astarion feels compassion out of the blue. He starts to have guilt for his past sins and develops empathy, despising cruelty. How? Who knows, so far in EA it has not been seen even once a hint, a scene, a bit of meta-knowledge in that direction. Honestly, so far we’ve seen, this option seems impossible to me, because Astarion has tons of chances to use the meta-knowledge of his approvals and disapprovals to show regret and empathy, and never happened. His character was always focused on himself, his vanity, his pain, his entertainment (which implies constant approval of cruel actions and torments and humiliation to others, especially the weak ones), his survival. If there is a character more far away from empathy right now in EA, it is Astarion. How do you start a redemption arc without the character showing compassion? No way.

Cure Vampirism. Vampirism is a curse, and therefore in the Forgotten Realm can be cured. But this, under no circumstances, can be considered a redemption arc. There is no redemption at all. The curse is lifted, and Astarion can return to be the same cruel magister he was before. No arc about remorse and empathy. 

His character is the story of an abuser who found a greater abuser and became a victim of the latter, seeking to return to his previous power position but stronger. Despite suffering this abuse, that could be understood as poetic justice (more like accidental justice) at certain point, he never developed empathy for those sharing his conditions. In fact, he cares little to inflict on others what he has exactly suffered. I hardly believe there is something else going on “in layers” in him at the moment, since the meta-knowledge provided by the approval/disapproval shows otherwise. My point is, I see little material here showing change. But again, this is EA.

We can see how this exact detail is managed with Shadowheart, from her we know even less than with Astarion because her memory was erased, but so far, we know she has some soft spots that were never shown explicitly, so Tav is oblivious to this information while the player knows it. 

This post was written on April 2021.  → For more Astarion: Analysis Series Index

[chaos-event-horizon]

Taking a screenshot cause I don't necessarily want to derail/contradict this post. It has a good point. Old guys specifically going after teenage girls under 18 is VERY suspicious and unhealthy. But I wanna talk about what happened in my head as I started reading it.

Here's the post:

~~~

The second I read "old men dating younger", I almost rolled my eyes and scrolled past. Because I'm so fucking used to people rambling about ALL age gaps being bad, and equating a 49 year old and 27 year old dating to pedophilia, that I almost just assumed this was yet another idiotic post about that shit. I'm so used to every single post about people of differing ages dating being bad even when they're older than 20, that for a second I thought this was gonna be yet even more bullshit about two ADULTS dating. For a very hot minute, I was living in a world where ACTUAL predatory behavior doesn't happen, because I'm used to seeing EVERYTHING be accused as being predatory no matter how benign and negligible the age difference is. And that shit is dangerous and EXACTLY why I've been so frustrated with that line of thinking.

I'd argue that no one is "deluded" into dating someone older, y'all are so busy infantilizing everyone younger than 30 that people my age are suddenly having to fight to be treated like adults here on the internet. And at the same time being treated like a predator for existing in our own spaces! I'm like fucking Schrodinger's cat with this shit, constantly being treated simultaneously like a child that can't make his own decisions AND like a monster out to hurt The Youth. I'll talk about my hot older boyfriend and get 15 angry anon messages saying that I'm "promoting pedophilia" by dating him and being happy-- because he's 49, and I'm fucking 27. I never see this so called "weaponized incompetence", because all I DO see is people demonizing literally any relationship that has an age gap bigger than 2 years. And THIS is why I wish y'all would shut the fuck up about gaps in ages between two full grown adults! Because you have competetly desensitized everyone and turned every molehill you can find into a fucking mountain! And I just really goddamn wish you'd spend half as much time and energy helping actual victims of abuse instead of shitting on happy adults, because as a survivor I absolutely hate that I'm starting to ignore every post that talks about ages. It's awful that we've gotten to this point.

You need to do better for the sake of these teenage girls you claim to be worried for, so they don't get ignored just because everyone is sick of shipping discourse age-gap bullshit.