#the special features remain funny as fuck btw

[baker-boy]

where the fuck was bilbo in the last bit of the barrel sequence

you see him clinging to the side of one in the action bit kind of, but then as they’re slowing down at the end of the sequence, his ass has disappeared until theyre all back on land

plus theres thorin in the special features shouting for him tryna find him

[hillbillied]

i found your post about andy and eddie's kinks from a couple of years ago and i was just wondering do you have any updated thoughts?

firstly, thank you anon!! I love writing these two!!

secondly fuck, I left this ask in the ‘box for a while because, double fuck, I couldn’t think of any kinks I hadn’t included in the OG post!! I am very sorry for the delay!

(I had to read through them to check, still crispy if I do say so... let’s see what else we can get in there. god I could go on a whole bunch more about the ones from the OG post lmao my fave losers in love having great sex!)

The Secret Kinks of Andrew Haldane and his Lieutenant, Edward Jones (pt.II)

(highly nsfw, 18+ only)

I’m gonna rag on Andy’s exhibitionism kink a little louder than before because it’s so embarrassing. going to the cinema is a chore because Andy doesn’t have the patience for long movies and he really can’t get behind anything that’s not a really fucking hilarious comedy or a truly gripping drama. anything even a little lacklustre (most of what’s on in the 50s) has his gaze wondering elsewhere

the amount of times Eddie has been enjoying his movie experience (he loves movies, btw, he didn’t get to go to many as a kid – think Gunny-level attention in the scene where the marines are watching For Whom the Bell Tolls) and suddenly a hand is brushing his knee. he can’t help but roll his eyes because Andy, good lord, can’t you enjoy the plot for five-fucking-minutes?

luckily for Andy, he’s got a semi-indulgent boyfriend or at least a condoning one; either Eddie will lift his longs legs and put them over Andy’s lap, teasing him with the weight whilst simultaneously giving him some cover to enjoy himself (in no relation to the movie) – or, if he’s feeling generous and equally turned on, he’ll give his stupid fucking would-be husband a hand so he can go back to his popcorn. Eddie’s got skilled fingers and only makes eye contact with his flustered, heavy-breathing boyfriend in scathing glances to show his “disapproval”

car sex is as normal to the two of them as breathing. it started fairly uncreative and vanilla, just screwing in the one long seat of Hillbilly’s pickup. it’s a little on the tight side but Eddie’s more flexible than many would believe. Andy loves having two hands just under his knees, pushing his thighs up against his chest so he can fuck him nice and deep. it has Eddie’s toes curling and his teeth gritted and colourful curses dripping out the cracked window (no AC means a real sweaty cab)

that, or Hillbilly will be riding Andy passenger side. he likes smoking in his car and he likes riding Ack Ack’s cock, so this is a win-win scenario. the leverage from the seat means he can light up while rolling his hips, humming around the cigarette. it’s an erotic sight for sure; Andy has to cover his eyes with his hand while laughing out a breathless “shit, Eddie…”

romantic evenings include soft kisses and mutual handjobs in the truck bed, after giving up on star gazing. less romantic evenings include parking somewhere discreet (or… not, because Andy’s exhibitionism is a nightmare and the 60s were pretty wild) to get them both out on the road. there’s sweaty handprints on the hood where Andy has Eddie bent over it, pinned between his chest and hot metal. it’s some of the hardest, roughest sex they have, and Andy usually uses Eddie’s t-shirt for leverage, something to twist into an psudo-harness to pull him back against his dick. Hillbilly likes to growl out threats – “you stain m’ car, Andy, I’ll fuckin’ kill you” – but it’s all a ruse to cover how there’s sweat dripping from his curls and how his pants for air are turning into moans and how he’s the one staining the tire where he’s cum, hard enough to have him flat out over the hood and gasping

this is all while the car is parked, of course. Andy loves giving Eddie head while he’s driving. it’s lucky Hillbilly’s had to drive bigger, scarier machines than a Ford, honestly. his disapproval (fake, every time) is portrayed where he grabs Andy’s hair and forces his cock down his throat. “Cop car” he’ll say, “gotta stay down”. he’s a lying sack of shit but it’s worth the sin to glance down at Andy when he lets him pull back, spittle running from his tongue and his coughing turning to a gasp then a moan in quick succession. it’s really difficult for Eddie not to grin super wide and push Andy’s head back down for more

(side note: Andy’s a service top so he gives great head, none of this fake dom shit. they each say the other gives it better because they are both weak for one another and stupidly in love)

gags become a thing after a while. Andy is an expert at introducing/asking about bedroom ideas without being condescending and he knows he has to decipher Eddie’s interest without it sounding like he wants him to shut the fuck up. (he does not, he loves everything that comes out of Hillbilly’s mouth, from stone-cold threat to lazy joke to breathless groan)

but a thing they do become. (it starts with Andy shoving a couple of fingers in Eddie’s mouth to “keep quiet”, an old familiar trick from the war, and it snowballs from there) so the next time Andy’s bent over Eddie, facing him and maybe got his hands pinned above his head, and Eddie decides to let off a quip, Ack Ack stops. slows his motions and pretends to think, then reaches for his master plan. the first time, it’s just fabric, shoved into Hillbilly’s mouth. his pink cheeks (from semi-annoyance or embarrassment, not sure) and deep frown and almost-offended stare are fucking priceless

(Andy buys a proper gag, one Eddie can bite down on. one he can grab the back of and pull Hillbilly’s head back with so he can kiss his neck, tell him how fucking hot his moans are when they’re all he can make)

collars slip in there somewhere. they’re not sure where that came from but there’s a suspicion it may have come from the wholesome conversation about adopting a dog (which they both want to do they’re just terrified of going to pick one and falling in love with more and then what are they gonna do?? have fifty dogs?? but I digress)

Andy’s not one to be embarrassed of his sex purchases but he was definitely scratching his neck when he bought it. luckily, his boyfriend can read him like a goddamn book. the man likes being in control, sure, dominating the room in his own masterful way, definitely – that doesn’t change the look of complete adoration that takes Andy’s features when Eddie buckles the collar around his neck

it fits well with Andy’s orgasm denial kink. he doesn’t do it to Eddie much (he’s got enough kinky shit he can do to him) but Hillbilly definitely does it to him. it’s a treat to test Andy’s self-restraint and not with any bondage. Eddie’s a very patient man, used to unfulfilling sex prior to Ack Ack, so he’s got all the time in the world. he loves making Andy wait, teasing him with a grip around the base of his cock. he gets a cock ring for him later, when his tight grip isn’t cutting it anymore

there’s nothing better than watching Andy’s thighs tremble, sat on his own hands on a chair, desperately keeping his cool while Hillbilly carefully lowers himself onto his cock (Eddie uses that collar to get him to look him in the eye)

they usually can’t be bothered with food play (“Food is f’ eatin’, Andrew, not wastin’.”) but there’s occasional things. Andy has a tendency to take Eddie’s fingers in his mouth and lick them clean, whether from an accidental or purposely spillage. he doesn’t really care what’s on them so long as it’s edible and he can watch Hillbilly’s lip curl watching him

Eddie’s definitely done a “spillage” of his own once or twice. except his are obvious, just how he likes them; he’ll straight up pour a splash of beer on his dick and invite Andy to come lap it up. his house, his rules and all. Andy always obliges

Eddie gives a great spit ‘n shine to boots, Andy’s found. he loves demanding Eddie get on his knees and do the daily duties he learned as a marine, making sure his captain’s uniform is in order. (slightly funny if Ack Ack’s not wearing anything but his boots while saying it, but he can live with that) having Hillbilly look up at him – “Like this, Skipper?” - as he runs his tongue across the leather is more than worth it

Eddie likes tearing open clothes, though he feels really, really bad about it. it’s obvious it turns him on because Andy loses a lot of shirt buttons over the years. (they sew them back on together, which is nice, gotta know how to mend and make do. Eddie actually knows a lot about cross stitch and Andy adores learning from him)

one time Andy’s waving his ass Eddie’s way, has been for a whole morning whilst they were gardening, potting flowers, weeding the lawn, working, Andy, we’re busy – so it’s just been a build up of hard-ons and no time to deal with them. and they’re wearing old clothes for the task, threadbare jeans. (that used to be Eddies, even the ones on Andy’s ass) so when Hillbilly finally presses up against Andy, bites his ear, and grabs his pants with both hands - he just pulls. they tear open and Andy feels Eddie shudder against him (shortly before he feels Hillbilly’s cock pushing inside him but that’s just a massive bonus)

Andy’s an indulgent boyfriend so he buys underwear and pants on the cheap and waves them Eddie’s way. the “rippables” as he calls them. made to be ripped, end of. no hard feelings, good riddance to them

I said they were too lazy for bondage because they can just pin each other and I stand by it; it remains a special thing. one of the ‘hardcore’ things, like the belt and gun play. mainly because, while they can actually pin each other down quite effectively with limited wiggle room, there’s still the ability to y’know, headbutt each other. because they’re also both trained in how to flip a guy that grabs you. fatally, if need be

so tying Eddie up (Andy’s always been down to be tied up, blindfolded, etc. by Eddie because he trusts literally one man in the whole world and it’s Edward Jones) is a big thing. because Eddie has had to fuck people up who tried to fight him and his brute strength is what’s gotten him through (finding something capable of realistically holding him is also a struggle in sexual hilarity because fuck, it’s gotta be thick rope or actual police handcuffs)

when Andy asks him about it (and presents the short length of rope he went for because he couldn’t find handcuffs yet) Eddie immediately says yes. because he trusts Andy completely. but he also says not tonight and not every night and not any time he can see it coming. if he works himself up about it, he’ll embarrass himself

when it does happen (Andy’s can read him right back, he knows when), Eddie ends up with his hands tied behind his back. he jokes about Ack Ack’s poor navy knotwork and gets a laugh back. then Andy slow bends him over the bed. that’s all Eddie thought he’d do, which isn’t a bother, long legs are still able to roll away. until Andy kneels down below him, caressing his thigh lovingly, and nudges his legs open. Eddie ends up standing bent over on the mattress with each ankle tied to a leg of their heavy bed frame

it’s a lot but Andy takes his time, kisses his way up from Eddie’s calf all the way to the back of his neck, keeping a hand pressed to his inner thigh. the tremble there is aroused and overwhelmed all in one. the first time, Ack Ack just enjoys giving his boyfriend a nice, slow handjob, supporting himself over Hillbilly so he can feel his weight. it’s amazing to have Eddie coming apart under him, whispering for more until he gets a shaking orgasm, biting the sheets to try and cover how loud he whimpers (it’s too much for Andy, too, and he cums just from rubbing between Eddie’s thighs)

Andy’s trademark aftercare is as excellent as ever and they sit together with some tea on the bed, listen to the radio, Eddie leaning against his chest with two loving arms around him. he asks if next time Ack Ack will fuck him and naturally, Andy just says “if you want me to” while kissing his temple. Hillbilly wipes his face and asks “please”

[busanality]

(💌) : non-sexual intimacy ⌦ a lil brainstorm of scenarios & ideas i wanna include in my works • (cw: nsfw)

bath scene: for the love of god a bath scene doesn’t always have to involve sex. it doesn’t necessarily have to be aftercare. it doesn’t necessarily have to be pregame. write a god damn bath scene that’s literally no sex related

(i’m thinking out loud now but: character A and character B have been dating for a while so the whole feelings field is a little rocky rn because they’re in the process of falling and even though they’re already used to being intimate/have sex almost regularly but this is completely a new step into their relationship. terrifying as fuck btw. but it feels fucking good)

of course it also works with showering together! no monkey business though i’m watching you -__-

body painting/portrait painting: okay like everything that’s gonna be here these two are super cliches but for real i cannot think of anything more intimate than character A painting on character B’s back. the POTENTIAL here oh my god. also, character A painting a portrait of character B! it could be just as intense.

the key to write non-sexual intimacy is focusing on the details. show body language. make every single interaction count—every brush of hands, every time their eyes meet. make them be close and feel each other breathing.

thinking out loud again, but character A coming close to character B to focus on their features... to try to understand them. and character B just stands there a few inches away and they probably chuckle at first and get a little nervous because of the proximity and the silence but it fades away soon enough and the only thing they can think about is what character A might be seeing right now. what character A might be seeing on them and why there’s nothing but adoration in their eyes.

healing wound scene: another cliches. bc i love cliches. this one has so much potential like character A’s vulnerability exposed at its most while character B is trying to heal them. there’s so much forced (?) proximity here. a whole lot of breath descriptions to be done. hesitant stares. gentle caresses. use it all. also works with character A taking care of ill character B!

DANCING!!! everything about dancing!!! slow dancing!!! and it doesn’t have to be a whole idk waltz scene in the middle of a fancy ballroom. it doesn’t have to be grinding on e/o at a club (though it’d be a huge challenge to try to write that without making it sexual—sounds interesting). just make character A be cooking or washing the dishes or cleaning up their house and then character B goes and wrap them from behind and starts bouncing from side to side (yes i said i love cliches and i stand by that). and i repeat: they’re not. having. sex. they’re both tired after a very long day at work they had sex this morning before showering together omfg just let them dance make out in peace WILL YOU?

fixing e/o’s hair: it’s a way of creating intimacy from the very start. it seems shallow but there’s so much potential here, especially when you’re trying to create tension while the characters are still kinf of pining after e/o. add a little denial of feelings there—yk, the usual character A is struggling to admit they like character B and the sudden action makes them squirm under their touch and the proximity and the way they’re staring at each other and so on and so on—and voila! that’s how it all starts.

alternatives are: 1. character A noticing character B is cold and trying to help them warm up; 2. character A noticing character B’s clothes are a little messy and fixing it for them; 3. the bolder (and more likely to fall into plain sexual tension so take it as you will) “you have... wait, lemme just—” *wipes sauce away from the corner of character B’s lips*

playing with e/o’s hands! another super innocent but demostrative gesture please we love hand holding and hand playing in this house make sure you give your characters lots of those make sure their fingers always find each other they deserve it.

going out with friends: sharing a group of friends/having friends in common is almost essential for a couple. and it’s so special y’know, seeing the way you fit in that person’s life. and so imagine character A... slowly fitting into character’s B group of friends... and they’re a little shy at first but they end up finding themselves more and more comfortable around them and when they notice it just feels natural to be there and there’s where they notice how close they’ve gotten. like, when they’re already comfortable around e/o and it’s getting late the’re all just chatting as they drink or just hang out and character A is discreetly caressing character B’s back and character B leans against them and for a moment even though theire friends keep talking they lock themselves into their little bubble, character B asking character A sweet, caring things like “you okay? you tired? wanna go home? you having a good time?” and their friends /notice/ but they remain unbothered bc it’s just so normal for them to get like this when they’re together and--*breathes* so much potential here. ao3 tag domestic fluff (my favorite if you didn’t tell already)

having inside jokes!!! UNDERRATED!! there’s nothing more natural between whatever kind of relationship you are building than having inside jokes. like when you are with people and there’s something that reminds you of /that/ time with /that/ person and you start laughing and you wanna explain the people you’re with rn why it’s so funny and why you’re laughing so much and they might even chuckle a little but they just... don’t get it because that’s something that only /that/ person would understand. because it’s something ///yours///. and you just laugh to yourself and think... “they would be laughing if they were here.” and then the next time you see /that/ person the first thing you say is “ohhh the other day this happened and it reminded me of you.” and that’s just—beautiful. that’s fucking beautiful.

📝 on a side note: that’s all i got for now, i’ll keep updating this constantly. this is something i /really/ want to work on so i’m not too experienced yet and my ideas are still a little... non creative—let’s say. lmao i KNOW this is full of overused cliches But hopefully i’ll keep exploring and finding new stuff to add here! hope it’s useful!

[unclecrizzle]

THE BEST TV OF 2017: THE UNCLE CRIZZLE EDITION

Too much horrible shit happened to me in 2017 to get fully immersed in binge-watching EVERY GOTDAMN SHOW THAT’S OUT THERE! (I don’t know how Questlove does it!) But I dipped into several things that turned out to be some exceptional TV. And they are:

1.       Twin Peaks: The Return (Showtime) – Mark Frost and David Lynch’s 18-part trip back the ABC cult soap they somehow got on network TV in the ‘90s is still a magnificent ride. Hilarious, terrifying, baffling, addictive, mystifying -- every episode left me wanting more. And by the time it got to its expectation-obliterating mindfuck of a last episode, this revival-for-people-who-hate-revival’s message was pretty clear: Maybe it’s best to leave the past in the past.

2.       American Vandal and The Keepers (Netflix) – Keepers is a jaw-dropping, true-crime series about the decades-old, unsolved murder of a nun and the unspeakable acts she knew was happening at a catholic school. Vandal is a dizzyingly clever dramedy that poked fun at Keepers, Making a Murderer and other shows of its ilk. What both shows brilliantly did was convey the secrets, lies and personal confusion teenagers usually deal with during their formative years. Fuck war – high school is hell!

3.       Bojack Horseman (Netflix) and Rick and Morty (Adult Swim) – These two savagely satirical cartoons are also the best tragicomedies that are currently on TV. Both shows feature arrogant, astoundingly damaged protagonists who stay suspended in a state of self-centeredness, almost unwilling to accept the damage they end up inflicting upon the people they claim to care about. Man, why are animated shows often the realest shows on TV?  

4.       Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS) – I don’t understand why late-night talk shows rarely get ten-best love this time of year. These two shows not only give consistent, nightly entertainment, but two hosts – guys who took a while for them to truly find their footing – who aren’t afraid to be honest and opinionated when it comes to what’s happening in the world. Letterman would be proud.

5.       Better Things (FX) and One Day at a Time (Netflix) – I don’t know if Louis CK’s sexual-misconduct trouble brought the show more into mainstream focus, but more people (especially critics) realized this season what I realized last season: Pamela Adlon’s single-mom-com is a work of sarcastic, cathartic genius. Meanwhile, the Latin reboot of Norman Lear’s iconic single-mom-com turned out to be an actually well-done revamp. Speaking of moms on the edge…

6.       I’m Sorry (truTV) – The best new show none of y’all probably saw was Andrea Savage’s savagely funny sitcom that started out as a Curb Your Enthusiasm for women, but ended up being a witty look at how a married funnywoman (played by Savage, of course) with kids tries to stay sane and appropriate in the City of Angels.

7.       Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) and Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (TBS) – The Daily Show vets continue to fight the good fight during our Trumpalicious times, making sense of all this terrible, terrible shit and trying to mine some comedy out of it. At this point in the game, these two are basically comedy angels – and they seriously need a hug.

8.       The Carmichael Show (NBC) -- The minute I saw that its third-season opener would be about rape (a very funny episode, BTW), I knew that this sitcom’s days were numbered. But I’m still pissed that this usually brilliant, often hilarious, all-the-way Black show was cut in his prime. There’s a special place in hell for the execs who foolishly thought Marlon would be a suitable replacement after this show got the ax.

9.       Insecure (HBO) – Although there were a couple of off episodes (what was the deal with that blow-job ep?), Issa Rae’s catty-but-cackle-worthy sitcom still remains a heavily divisive yet wildly fascinating show for folk who need to know how single Black people are living these days. BTW, BEST MUSIC CUES EVER!

10.   The Defiant Ones (HBO) – Allan Hughes’s rollicking, four-part chronicle of the partnership between workaholic musical hellraisers Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine is basically a less-bleak O.J.: Made in America, a novelistic look at how music and culture has changed in the forty years – and how these guys changed it.

OK, one more…

11: Patton Oswalt: Annihilation (Netflix) – By far, the best comedy special that dropped in 2017 was Patton Oswalt’s searing but unbelievably funny latest, where he delved into the sudden death of his wife and how life has generally been after that. Also, shout-out to Dave Chappelle for immediately following up those tone-deaf specials he dropped earlier in the year with the hilarious, honest two-punch of Equanimity and The Bird Revelation.