#the subject of which i had a big conversation ab with a person i’ve met only once but known a long time & who’s t shirt now hangs on my rai

[hannahdra-ws]

The Village

well, I’ve been there, sitting in that same chair / whispering that same prayer half a million times / it’s a lie, though, buried in disciples / one page of the bible isn’t worth a life 

(or: Patton decides to come out to his parents. It doesn’t go as well as he hoped.)

ships: Logan/Patton, Roman/Virgil

tw: transph*bia, child ab*se, yelling, dissociation, getting kicked out

---------------

“No, Princey, you’re just wrong. Cool Ranch Doritos are the superior kind; your taste buds are just broken.”

Roman gasped dramatically, and Patton hid a giggle behind his hand. They were currently all sitting at the park on a nice summer's day; Logan right beside him, Roman on his side, Virgil on his other side, and the newest edition, Janus, right across from him.

“You absolute heathen! Spicy Nacho is obviously the best flavor.” Roman glared at Virgil with no real heat, Virgil just smirking back at him until Roman huffed and waved his hand. “It’s no use trying to change your opinion, you’re just always going to be wrong.”

“If I may,” Janus intervened, adjusting his yellow gloves and flicking his eye up to them, “Both of you are wrong. Nacho cheese is arguably the best flavor.”

“Shut up, Janus.” Both Roman and Virgil said at the same time, causing Janus to roll his eye and go back to… whatever he’s reading. Patton didn’t know.

Patton sighed and heard as their continued banter fell into the background. He’s really, really, really stressed today since… well, he’s planning to come out to his parents today.

read on ao3

HIs parents aren’t really kind people, sure, and they say a lot of things that Patton doesn’t agree with. Logan once described them as “emotionally and psychologically abusive” which Patton doesn’t really see. They don’t mean to hurt him, they love him. 

Just because they call him stupid, and ugly, and irresponsible, that doesn't mean they're bad. They're right.

And just because Patton is a little scared to say that he’s trans, that’s a normal thing. It’s a scary situation.

It’ll all be okay.

Liar.

He was cut off from his thoughts by Logan gently taking his hand, sending sparks of warmth down his whole arm. Logan leaned over, his blue eyes seeming to sparkle in the sunlight as he let go of Patton’s hand and started signing. ‘Are you alright?’ 

Patton wondered why he didn’t ask out loud, but then he realized it was probably because he didn’t want to bring attention to Patton in case he didn’t want everyone to know. His heart fluttered -- Logan really is the best.

Patton nodded, about to give Logan a big smile, but then he hesitated. He then shook his head and signed with shaky hands- his ASL isn’t really the best, but he’s learning - ‘I need to tell something to the group.’

Logan nodded and cleared his throat, “Excuse me, if you two would stop.” He said to Roman and Virgil, who had now moved on to which type of Pringle was the best, causing them to stop. “Patton has something to say.”

Patton stiffened as every eye turned to him. Why is he nervous? His friends are some of the most supporting people in the world. They already know he’s trans, so telling them he’s planning to come out tonight shouldn’t make him this jittery.

“What’s up, Popstar? You okay?” Virgil asked, leaning his hands on the table. Janus flicked his eye over to Patton in vague interest, Roman turned his full attention to him, and Logan kept holding his hand under the table.

Patton took a deep breath to shake off all the jittery bugs, and exclaimed, “I’m planning to come out to my parents tonight.”

The reaction was mixed. 

Roman and Logan's eyes both widened in a weird mix of concern and pride. Since Roman and Logan are the only ones who've been over to his house, they have actually met his parents.

Janus lifted his eyebrows in surprise and closed the book he was reading. He then tried to act like he wasn't that interested but failed pretty badly (in his own humble opinion.)

And Virgil leaned over more, with his hands spread out on the table and open concern in his eyes. "Really?! Holy shit!" 

Patton tried for a smile, but it kind of fell flat. "Yeah, uh.. It's a bit nerve wracking, if I'm being honest." 

"I'll say, Pat. That is a very brave thing to do." Roman told him, patting (hah! patt-ing) him on the shoulder.

"I definitely don't support you full-heartedly, of course, but aren't your parents incredibly conservative?" Janus asked, making a motion to check his nails even though they were under his gloves.

Patton was going to answer, but Logan cut him off. "Was that sarcasm?"

Janus nodded, giving him a look that said what do you think?

Logan nodded back and continued on. "Yes, Patton, your parents are very conservative and are close minded about a lot of subjects, especially related to LGBTQ+ issues. Are you sure about this?" 

"Logan, I can't keep this a secret anymore. They deserve to know, they're my parents." Pattons heart felt heavy with guilt; they should have known from the moment he figured it out. They've taken so much care of him, and he repays them by lying?

"You don't owe them anything, Patton. If you truly want to come out, we'll support you, but don't feel guilty for not coming out to them sooner. It is entirely up to you." Janus made direct eye contact with him, and Patton felt like that half blind stare could see into his soul and pick him apart. 

Roman nodded in agreement, but didn't say anything. Patton knows that he has issues with his own sexuality, and he's trying his best, but it can still be an uncomfortable talk for him. Patton's heart ached for his friend.

Logan squeezed his hand, "I agree. Whatever you do is entirely up to you." Patton felt his face warm up when Logan squeezed his hand, and tried to ignore it.

The conversation was silent for a moment while Patton thought it over, until Virgil asked, "Would they hurt you?"

The tension in the air seemed to skyrocket as Patton whipped his head up to look at Virgil, who was anxiously wringing his hands. Logan gave him a fidget cube to play with while Patton spluttered, trying to figure out how to respond.

"N-No! Of course they wouldn't! They've never laid a hand on me before!" 

"Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it couldn't happen at any moment." Virgil's eyes went dark with a memory, and Patton once again felt an uncharacteristic anger at Virgil's father. 

Patton reached over, slowly enough that Virgil could stop him if he wanted, and took his hand. "I promise, I'll stay safe." 

Virgil held out his pinky finger, "Pinky promise?"

Patton felt his smile grow wide, and felt a glittering happiness in his heart at how far Virgil had come. "Pinky promise." 

"Okay." Virgil breathed, leaning back as Patton sat back into his seat. Janus watched the exchange quietly, an old sort of nostalgia in his eye. 

"Pinky promise? Are you in kindergarten?" Roman teased Virgil, who slapped his arm playfully.

"Shut the fuck up, off-brand Troy Bolton." Janus immediately burst into laughter, hiding his mouth behind his hand as Roman spluttered. 

"Troy Bolton?!" 

"You play football and you're on the drama team, you're literally Troy Bolton."

"You didn't need to call me out like that, though!" 

Janus was still laughing, and even Logan was trying not to smile, and Patton just… took a moment and admired his friends.

He's known Roman since middle school. Patton was immediately drawn to him, his loud personality complimenting Patton perfectly. 

When Roman was 13, his siblings died. Only he and his brother survived, and from what Patton knows, it's because they weren't in the car with them. He never got to meet any of his siblings, but he knows there were a lot; he wants to say maybe 10, including Roman.

It astounds him that so many people could just… die so quickly like that. 

Roman didn't talk a lot after that happened. And sometimes, these days, he just goes silent. But he's getting better, and Patton couldn't be more proud of him.

His eyes moved to Virgil and he felt his heart ache. Virgil started hanging out with them months ago, around the beginning of sophomore year. His sharp wit, dry humor and sarcastic remarks added something to the group that he didn't know was missing.

Patton can say with confidence that he hates Virgil's father. From what Virgil has told him, after his mom died his dad turned into a completely different person. Constantly beating Virgil around, berating him; he doesn't even keep any food in the house for Virgil to eat.

It makes Patton want to cry, thinking about it. 

Janus… confuses him. He doesn't know much about him, but he does know that Patton's breaking down the walls around Janus's heart little by little every day. Patton does know that he's blind in one eye, he's known Virgil since they were really young, and he too used to hang out with Remus before splitting off to this group-- Patton doesn't know why. He would see them in the halls together a long time ago.

Pattons seen Remus in the hallways. He always wanted to go up and talk to him, see how he was doing, but a part of him… a part of him was a little scared of him. Remus had the reputation of being "the druggie" around school, and as much as Patton hated himself for it, it kind of made him wary to talk to him.

The deep eye bags and the bruised knuckles did always make him worry a bit though. 

He hopes one day he'll muster up the courage to talk to him.

"So, I know what Patton is doing, but what are all of you doing after this? Burning a bank down, perhaps?" Janus inquired the rest of the group.

Logan huffed. "Burning a bank down is illegal. I'm going home to study." 

Roman frowned, "It's summer, calculator watch. You don't need to study." 

"It's good to get a head start on the next year's courses." 

Roman stared at him like he was speaking another language, then shook his head and sighed. "Whatever. I'm going home. I've got to catch up on my beauty routine." He flashed a dazzling smile, and Patton giggled. 

"C-" Virgil stopped and cleared his throat, then spoke again. "Can I come over?" He asked Roman quietly, his voice soft, like he was afraid Roman would say no.

Roman turned to him, clearly surprised, "You want to come over?"

Virgil shook his head and forcefully pushed down on one of the buttons on his fidget cube, "I mean- I don't have to, if you're busy, it's fine-" 

"No! I'm not busy! You can come over!" Roman burst out in one breath, and Virgil looked up at him, mouth open slightly in surprise.

"Oh.. Okay. Cool." Virgil smiled at him hesitantly, and Roman beamed back, and Patton swears there's an emotional connection between them. They look at eachother for way too long for nothing to be going on.

Janus fake gagged at Roman and Virgil, then stood up and adjusted his gloves. "My dad is going to be home for the first time in a while, so I'm going home to eat with him. Right now."

They all said their goodbyes to Janus, who did a little bow and patted Patton's shoulder for good luck. 

Patton felt his phone buzz and got it out, not sure why his stomach dropped when he checked the message he got. 

Momma: Dinners going to be ready soon. Hurry up. 

"I gotta go, kiddos," Patton said, standing up and giving Roman a hug from where Roman was sitting. Logan and Virgil don't usually like hugs, so he didn't bother asking for one. 

"Good luck, sunshine, may good fortune be in your favor!" Roman declared dramatically, hugging him back despite the awkward angle.

"Stay safe, Pat, okay?" Virgil told him, and Patton nodded and said he would. 

Logan only gave him a quick nod, which confused him a bit, but he shrugged it off and walked away to find his bike. 

When Patton found it, he was about to head home, when-- 

"Patton! Wait!" 

Logan was running after him, his 6'4 frame towering over him as he came to a stop, looking oddly nervous. 

Patton smiled at him, "What's up, Lolo?" 

Logan cleared his throat, flapping his hands a bit, "Would you, um. Would you like a hug? I've read that hugs can be optimal for comfort in high stress situations, and today has been a good sensory day, so-" 

Logan was cut off by Patton squealing and rushing into him, Patton making sure not to hold him too tightly.

Golly, Patton doesn't think he's ever met someone like Logan. Meeting him in middle school was probably a miracle. Kind and super duper intelligent, telling him all sorts of facts about space and the ocean. Patton loves to watch Logan infodump to him, flapping his hands and smiling so wide. His heart flips in his chest whenever Logan comes into a room, or whenever he speaks; his smooth voice makes Patton feel safe and at home. 

So, maybe Patton has a crush on Logan. Gosh, can you blame him?

Logan smells like rain water and old leather paper. Patton's face is buried in his chest, coming up to around 5'8 so he's super short compared to him. Logan's strong arms are wrapped loosely around him, and Patton genuinely just-- doesn't want to leave.

He breaks the hug sooner than later, though, because he doesn't want to overwhelm Logan. Patton's pretty sure his cheeks are glowing, and by the looks of it, Logan's are too.

Logan clears his throat again, "...Was that satisfactory?" He asked quietly, and gosh he's so ding dang cute Patton almost can't handle it. 

"It was very satisfactory, Lo." 

Logan smiled down at him, "Well, that's nice to hear. If you ever need anything, you know where to find me, at my house that is." 

Patton nodded, pushing up his circle glasses that ended up slipping down his nose. "I know, Logan, thank you." 

Logan nodded, then stepped back a bit. "Well, I won't keep you. Goodbye Patton. Good luck." 

Patton hopped on his bike, "Bye Lolo!" He waved, before pedaling off.

On his way home, he planned out what he would say. 

He slowly became more and more anxious, but it will be fine.

Everything is going to be fine. 

------------

Everything was not going to be fine.

Patton was pacing around his room, heart racing probably too fast to be considered normal. Dread curled around his stomach like a snake, squeezing and squeezing until it felt like he couldn't breathe.

He can't do this, why did he think he could do this? He can't breathe- 

"Okay, deep breaths, Pat. You're okay." He said out loud to himself. Remembering the breathing exercises that Virgil used, he deeply inhales for 4 seconds, holds for 7, and exhales for 8.

It takes a few more attempts until he's able to breathe normally, but eventually his heart rate slows down a bit. 

Picking up his phone, he sent a message off to the group chat that he and the others all share.

PappyPatton: Wish me luck. dinners about to be ready :))

Logan: Good luck, Patton.

RomanoLettuce: Good luck padre!!!!!! remember to take your sword (I'll give u mine if u want it)

draculawannabe: good luck pat, pls stay safe 

twofacedgay: I hope you have fun, but don't force yourself 

Patton smiled as his chest filled with joy. Gosh, he loves his friends so much. 

"Anna! Dinners ready!" 

Instantly that joy shattered, once again replaced by ice sinking into his stomach. Patton swallowed his nerves and replied, "Coming!" 

He took a deep breath, put his phone in his pocket and went downstairs, praying to whoever would listen that everything would be okay. 

When he got downstairs, his baby sister, Angela, squealed when she saw him and made grabby hands. Patton cooed and pinched her cheeks,"Well hi! I missed you too!" 

Angela gurgled and gave him one of her cheerios from her plate. Patton picked it up with a big smile and popped it in his mouth, then thanked his little sister for the generous offer.

"Anna, sit down. Your mother has had a hard day." His father commanded. Patton swallowed and sat down at the end of the table, looking at his plate. Ugh. Broccoli.

Patton's mother sighed and came out of the kitchen, sitting down and putting her head in her hands. Oh, god, she's in a bad mood. 

She sighed again before sitting up, seeming to shake off the tiredness as she offered her hands to both of them. "Let's say grace before dinner." 

Please, don't. God already knows I'm sinning.

But they did it anyways, and before Patton knew it everyone was digging in. He's not hungry.

His father took note of his and said, "Anna. You need to eat."

His mother turned and saw his still full plate, and sighed at him with disappointment. "I spent all that time making this, and you're not even going to eat it? Ungrateful." 

Patton felt guilt wallow up inside him,wrapping around his throat and choking him, but didn't let it phase him. His mother and father resumed their conversation (something about the stock market, Patton doesn't know) before Patton cleared his throat.

"Um, mom, dad.. I have to tell you something." 

His mother and father stopped, turning to him. His mother looked irritated, you can't do anything right, and his father just looked vaguely curious.

"Is this about your grades? If it is, then we already know your grades. They need to be higher." His mother said.

Patton swallowed again, trembling a little bit, "Uh- n-no, it's not that." 

You can do it, Patton. It's not that hard. 

His father tilted his head, "Then, what? Out with it, girl." 

Patton took a deep breath, stop shaking you're fine everything's fine here we go here we go, and said, his voice trembling, "I'm trans."

Silence. 

Then, his mother started laughing.

Patton looked up at her, confused. Why is she laughing? 

"That's funny, dear." His mom chuckled, mirth dripping from her voice. His father just looked uncomfortable.

"N-no, mom, I'm serious. I'm a-a-a boy." Patton dug his nails into his thigh under the table. "I-I'd actually prefer to go by Patton." 

His mother stopped laughing.

"You're serious?" Her voice had gone unrecognizable. Gone was the laughter and the mirth; now all he heard was rage. The tension in the room had risen to almost unbearable levels.

His stomach curled in on himself as he nodded, "Y-Yeah, I-"

Smack.

Patton recoiled, face swinging to the side as he tried to process what just happened. His cheek started stinging.

She smacked him.

She smacked him.

He didn’t even see her move.

"How could you do this to me, Anna?! To us?!" His mom yelled, oh god she's yelling now, everything is going wrong. 

She stood up, forcefully pushing herself away from the table. His father grabbed her arm, but she shook him off and stared Patton down. 

"Didn't we raise you to know better?! God is going to punish you, Anna!" His mother screamed at him, her face red with rage. "You're going to hell!"

Patton whimpered and flinched hard when a plate was thrown at him, barely managing to dodge. When did she pick up the plate? What is happening?!

Angela was screaming, his mother was screaming, his face hurt from the slap, this wasn't how this was supposed to go-

He doesn't know when he started crying, burying himself in his trembling arms, trying to make the noise go away. He felt like he was watching this happen through a window, or on a TV screen. This couldn’t be real.

"Diana, please," his father tried to interject, but was cut off by his mother.

"No, Michael! She's sinning! She thinks she's a boy!" His mother shrieked and Patton cringed in on himself, trying to remember the breathing exercises that Virgil uses, trying to stop crying.

"M-m-mom, I'm s-sorr-" he tried to say, lifting his shaking head up slightly, before he was backhanded so hard he fell out of his chair to the floor and the room was spinning.He vaguely noticed his glasses falling off; his mother stepped on them with a loud crack.

Patton tried to regain his breath, his ears ringing, before he felt his shirt being pulled and him being forced to stand.

His mother stood before him, her eyes filled with tears and rage and hatred.

"Get out." She said, oh so quietly.

What? Was she kicking him out? Ice cold dread wrapped around his chest, sinking into his stomach like a stone. No no no no please-

"B-but I-"

She smacked him again, hard enough to make his nose bleed, "Get out, get out, get out! Don't come back until you've opened up your heart to the lord!" She screamed, sending him into a full blown terror. His heart raced, as he scrambled up the stairs, hearing the yelling continue from downstairs. He didn't even look at what he was taking, he just threw in random things, trying to get out of there as fast as possible. Patton’s heart raced with adrenaline and panic as he stuffed everything into a Wal-Mart bag. Was he crying? He didn't know. All he knew was that he needed to get out of there.

Patton ran back downstairs, desperately just wanting to leave, before she got even more angry. He made eye contact with his father, who just glared at him and looked away.

His baby sister was still shrieking and crying. His mother was standing over the table, surrounded by broken glass, shoulders tense with anger.

She turned to face Patton, and the rage that seemed to simmer down sprung to life again.

"Get the fuck out! I don't want to see your face again, Anna!" She spat his deadname, like it was poison.

Patton didn't hesitate, scrambling to the door and running out into the freezing night air, holding his bag close to his chest.

"God is going to punish you!" His mother shrieked from the house, and that was the last thing he heard before he started running.

Patton didn't even have his glasses; he could barely see. He was running so hard his chest started to hurt, combined with the cold night air, made him want to cough. Adrenaline coursed through Patton's veins, coursing alongside the crushing fear of what would happen if he didn't get away.

But he didn't even know where he was going. Where does he go now?

One word popped into the back of his mind, and he knew that was where he had to go. 

Logan.

---------------

Patton doesn't know how long it took to get to Logan's house. Everything is blurry from his lack of glasses, and his chest hurts and his face hurts and everything hurts-

He knew the outline of Logan's house, though, and suddenly he was on the front porch, knocking urgently. 

God is going to punish you.

Patton felt like he was floating. Like he could look down and see his own body standing there; he's pretty sure there's a term for that, but he can't remember it right now.

Everything is going numb; whether that's from the cold or otherwise, he doesn't care.

How could you do this to me? To us?

Patton had stopped crying a few blocks back- now, everything is just cold numbness. 

Patton was jerked out of his thoughts when the front door opened, revealing Logan's giant form.

"Did you forget your ke- oh, Patton. What are you doing here? Are- Are you alright?" Logan tilted his head as he stared at Patton in concern.

Patton must look like a mess- dried tears and snot and a little blood, big red slap mark on his cheek, no glasses and a Wal-Mart bag.

Patton shook his head, trying to get rid of the ever present nothing that he felt. "Uh- not really, Lolo." His voice was rough and scratchy from crying.

Logan's eyes darted down to the Wal-Mart bag, then to the slap mark on his face and lack of glasses, and just- stared.

The silence went on for a while, and Patton turned to leave. I shouldn't have bothered him, I bother everyone god is going to punish you 

"I'm sorry." Patton said, his voice small, "I didn't mean to bother you. I can go-"

"No!" Logan exclaimed, making Patton flinch and turn back around.  Logan looked sheepish from his outburst and wrung his hands a bit, "Apologies for startling you. Please, come in." Logan stepped aside so that Patton could come in, still eyeing the Wal-Mart bag.

Patton walked in and let Logan direct him to the couch. Patton always liked Logan's house. The layout was similar to his, but it had the comfort and warmth that his own home (don't come back until you've opened your heart to the lord) was missing. 

"Let me- um- let me get you some water. And a blanket." Logan mumbled before hurrying off, leaving Patton alone with his thoughts.

He could hear the water running. He could hear Logan rummaging around in the closet, probably looking for a blanket. Logically, he knows where he is.

But he feels just- disconnected from his body.

Why in the world did he think that coming out to them would be a good idea? Patton knows their views, he should have been smarter, shouldn't have been so trusting-

Maybe Patton's prayer went unanswered because Patton deserved this. Maybe this is his punishment.

And now he's bothering Logan,the best person in the world, with his burdens. He's probably overwhelming him. God, he can't do anything right. 

"Here." Logan draped a large, blue, soft blanket over Patton's shoulders. He gently handed him the glass of water, keeping his hands raised in case Patton's shaky hands dropped it.

"Thank you." Patton's voice felt wrong to his own ears as he took a sip of water. It soothed his raw throat, and after a few sips he was glad he could speak correctly again.

Logan stayed silent, aside from the continuous tapping on his leg. Patton knows he must have questions, so he sets the glass down and curls his knees into his chest, giving him silent permission to ask.

And that's just what Logan did. "Patton… what happened?" Logan's voice was quiet, concerned. Patton shrugged, cracking an empty smile that fell 2 seconds after he put it up.

"I came out. It- uh- didn't go so well." He tried to giggle, but it was watery and he suddenly has the urge to cry cry cry cry. 

"What happened to your glasses? Why do you have a Wal- ...Oh." Logan's went silent again, but this time you could basically feel the rage in the air. "How dare they." 

Logan sounded angry. Patton instinctively curled up more, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but Logan cut him off before he could. 

"No, Patton, I'm not mad at you, I just-" Logan took a deep breath and flapped out his hands a bit, "Did they kick you out?" He was straight to the point.

Patton nodded.

Logan swore and bit down on his knuckle, and Patton realized with a start that there were tears in Logan's eyes. Why is he crying?! God I made him sad too what is wrong with me?!

Patton jumped up, "Oh, you're crying! I'm so sorry, Logan!" Patton tried to apologize, but Logan shook his head and wiped his eyes. 

"It's- It's fine. Do not worry about it." Logan took a deep breath, in and out, and then looked at Patton again. 

"Patton I- I am so sorry that happened to you. That never should have happened, ever. Your parents should have been accepting and kind to who you really are. I'm so sorry they weren't." 

Patton shrugged again, not feeling so numb anymore as he looked down and bit back the tears in his throat. 

Logan scooted over and took his hand.

And then the dam broke. 

Patton started sobbing- gut wrenching tears were dragged out of him, as he put his head in his hands and let the sobs wrack his body. It hurts so much, everything hurts so much- 

He was vaguely aware of his body being maneuvered, and suddenly his head was on Logan's chest, and Logan's hand was in his hair, and he was whispering- not reassurances, but just facts.

"Your name is Patton. You have brown eyes and dirty blonde hair, bordering on brown. You have freckles and a gap in your teeth. You adore frogs and butterflies." Logan kept up a steady whisper of facts about Patton, as Patton kept crying into Logan. 

He cried for about 10 minutes before the tears finally slowed, and he could sit up from Logan's chest but he doesn't want to. Even though he made a wet spot on Logan's pajamas, and is probably bothering him with this whole thing, he doesn't want to leave. 

"Please don't make me leave." Slipped out before he could stop it, and he felt his ears heat with shame. 

"Oh, Patton- You're not leaving. You are staying right here." Logan sounded like he was crying, too, and that just made Patton feel awful.

"In fact, you're staying with us from now on. You're going to live here." Patton's mind screeched to a halt as he looked back up at Logan. What? 

"What?" 

"You're staying here. My mom's can be your legal guardians." Logan looked completely serious.

Patton's mind was spinning. Could they do that? Isn't that against the law?

"If we have your biological parents permission, you can stay here all you want. My mom's can go get your stuff tomorrow. Patton, you are not going back there. You deserve to have a safe home, where you can be yourself without having to be afraid or belittled. You deserve safety." 

And- and- 

And Patton thought the tears were done, but apparently they weren't, and he started sobbing again into Logan's night shirt. 

He felt dizzy with relief, his chest contracting in an almost painful way. 

He's going to be okay. 

With Logan whispering gentle facts in his ear, and Logan's heartbeat under his other ear, and the voice of his mother in his head getting quieter. 

God is probably still going to punish him. But that's later.

Because right now Patton can feel Logan's breathing and feel his voice echo through his chest as he talks quietly with his mom's, who apparently Patton didn't hear coming through the door.

Patton had one last, coherent thought before slipping into unconsciousness.

I'm going to be okay.

[cassandracaiin]

Gary’s Mental Health: An Analysis of His Character.

Spoilers ahead.

If you play Love Island The Game 2019 and make it to Day 26, you stumble upon a concerned Gary, who is sitting by himself. After a brief chat, he proceeds to tell your MC that he’s had some problems with how he felt about his body in the past. He often comes across a simple guy, who is always bantering and fooling around, and most players tend to think that he only talks about his nan and cranes, so the sudden seriousness of this conversation may have seemed odd for some of you. Despite this, the unexpected confession he makes didn’t go unnoticed by the fandom, with many starting to appreciate him more because of it.

Few realize how important and revealing this conversation is. If you connect the right dots across the whole game, it helps to explain lots of his actions, beliefs and behavior. So, in this analysis I’ll be doing that: I’ll be providing you with all the information you’ll need to understand the subject, inserting exact quotes of the game and breaking down some crucial scenes. Because of this, this post will be really long, so get comfy, grab some snacks and prepare for an extensive reading.

Before starting, I must remind you that Gary is, indeed, a fictional character. That’s why I’ll be analyzing quotes and scenes straight out of the game and trying not to speculate furthermore. I think it’s interesting to tie the traits and personality of a fictional character to real life psychology and mental health, so this will be me basically explaining his condition and relating it to his canon personality and actions. Also, in some portions of this post I’ll be applying “real world rules”, because his mental illness is a real thing that happens in the real world.

I’ll go as far as to say that, after reading this entire rant, you’ll probably never see Gary the same way again— but that’s okay, because he’s such a layered character who also used to struggle with a mental illness and, instead of mental illnesses being a taboo topic, they should be met with open arms and discussed overtly and sincerely.

Mental Illness Warning/Trigger.

As I mentioned before, Gary’s condition is a real thing, so this post contains several mentions of mental health related topics and illnesses. If you feel uncomfortable about this type of things, I advise you not to keep reading. I’ll try to keep it as light and understandable as possible, regardless. Those who want to dive deeper should check the links I’ll leave at the end of the post.

This is a heavy topic, but I strongly believe it should be addressed. Even more importantly, I want to spread awareness, because, as you will read further ahead, this is still an under-recognized and frequently left untreated condition, that is becoming more and more common all around the world.

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychiatrist, but I am a med student. I’ve had classes and training about mental health and, specifically, about Gary’s condition. I’ll be leaving some extra sources and additional content down below, for those who are interested in verifying the information that I’ll be breaking down for you. Also, I’m open to receive feedback about it from someone who could know more than me, such as a doctor or a psychiatrist, because, as I said, I’m still just a med student.

So, without further do, let’s get started.

What does Gary have?

After reading the conversation he has with MC in Day 26, Gary’s evident diagnosis is Muscle Dysmorphia. We’ll be using the acronym MD to refer to it from now on.

What is MD?

MD is a subtype of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).

What is a BDD, you may ask? It’s a condition in which people see themselves differently than others see them, and it’s characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with one's appearance, that are really difficult to resist or control. These unwanted thoughts or ideas (called “obsessions”) make them feel that they need to perform certain activities (called “compulsions”). When applied to MD, the obsession becomes the level of muscularity, and the compulsion is to achieve a higher level of muscularity.

MD comes with the exaggerated belief that one's own body is too small, too skinny or scrawny, even though the individual's build is normal or exceptionally large and muscular already. Is often confused with vanity, but this is not the case, as most MD patients don't want to look great, they just want to look acceptable. Typically, people with MD have low self-esteem. It can be experienced by either males or females, but in this post I’ll be addressing the patients as males, because I will be also relating it to unhealthy masculinity.

What causes MD? It doesn’t have a specific cause, but there are factors that could help its development. Most studies sustain that suffering from bullying for smallness or weakness is the most frequent trait in MD patients. Some also attribute this disorder to the effect of the media, as society bombards people at younger ages with images of what an “ideal” body looks like, even more considering how marketing campaigns once targeting only female body image insecurities are now aimed at males as well. Because of this, MD is likely to increase in general population.

Does it have a treatment? Yes, it does. Most are treated with therapy that targets damaging behavior, as for example, cut down on the amount of time they’re checking themselves in the mirror or in the gym, which helps them think less about their appearance. Therapists also help them deal with the fears they might have, like possibly losing muscle mass or size if they exercise less.

Many do not seek treatment; the biggest hurdle is convincing the person with MD that he needs help. The psychological and social consequences often go unrecognized, especially because they usually appear to be in good health, at least in the short term. To properly address MD, society has to change in how we approach our body image in general. Traditionally, males are not supposed to be concerned with looks, let alone talk about them, because if they do, they will be viewed as “feminine”. Encouraging men to talk about their inner feelings is a good first step to bring down stigmas about their body image.

How does MD affect someone’s life?

People with MD engage in behaviors aimed at achieving a muscular physique, as I mentioned earlier. They include excessive exercise, following rigid diets, and also spending countless amounts of money in supplements. Sometimes, they may also use anabolic-androgenic steroids (I’ll be referring to them as “AAS”), which cause serious damage to the body if used excessively.

Low self-esteem is a crucial factor here. People with MD try to enhance their self-esteem by building muscular mass, but they keep feeling that is never enough. “Every muscle could be bigger. I could be leaner” they tell themselves. They look at the mirror and they feel like everything is still small and weak, that they’re ugly, that they have no chest muscles, no arm muscles, no abs— And the reality is that they are often huge and incredibly muscular. Some of them also touch, flex, poke or pinch their muscles a lot, to make sure that they haven’t lost size.

Their relationships with other people often fall apart as time passes. They frequently avoid important social or occupational activities, like going to family reunions or to work, because of the need to maintain their excessive exercise and rigid diet.

How does one draw the line between being fitness or having MD? Believe it or not, Gary explains it in the game. He says, “I was really shocked when the doctor told me that if it’s getting in the way of the rest of your life, then it’s a problem”. Certainly, when working out and obsessing about the body becomes a problem in the person’s life, along with having these bad thoughts about themselves, it’s better to seek help and ask a health professional about it.

So, why is Day 26 so relevant?

Day 26 is important for Gary’s character because it tells us a huge lot of things about him and his past. Across his dialogue there are so many details that few people seem to truly notice, so I’ll be breaking down this day for you.

Let’s start analyzing this day from the beginning, with it being the first conversation MC has with Gary. She finds him sitting alone by the pool, rubbing his upper arm. After greeting her, he flexes his bicep and then pokes at it. If MC asks him if he is worried about his gains, he surprisingly responds “Yeah, I am a bit”. In comparison to the rest of his answers, this is the one that tells us that the reason he is bummed out is because of how he feels about his body, rather than how he actually looks.

Next, he asks “Do you think I look as good as I did when we first met?”. After seeing him acting this way, we can notice that he is looking for reassurance, but even if MC answers that he looks better every day, he responds with things like “Thanks! It’s nice to have that support, even if I don’t think it’s true” and “I never believe anyone when they say I look buff”. As you probably read in this post, this is a common trait amongst individuals with MD. Even when people around them tell them that they are big, muscular, huge and so on, they never truly believe it themselves because they just can’t see themselves in that way—the person that looks back at them in the mirror is still somewhat skinny. And here’s a huge clarification: Gary knows that people think he is buff, but he doesn’t see it himself, and that’s why he doesn’t exactly believe it.

At this point, I think Gary is starting to notice that the chat could turn to a topic that he’s not ready to talk about yet, because he seems to divert the conversation by saying that the reason he doesn’t believe he’s buff is because he simply doesn’t want to get big-headed about it, and that thinking this way keeps him motivated. But even with those modest answers, he’s still letting us know that he’s always aiming at improving his physique.

And after that, he flexes his arm again. If you payed attention, you may have noticed a pattern here, which is another common characteristic of MD patients: the one where they have the compulsion to feel and touch their muscles, as a way of making sure they’re not as skinny as they think they are.

Gary finishes the chat by commenting lightheartedly “Those weights aren’t going to lift themselves” and walking off in the direction of the gym. This bit actually makes me sad, because it leads me to think that he gave in to the compulsion of going to the gym.

After the challenge, MC meets him again and he, indeed, says “I started to do some weights, but then I had to check my head a bit”, indicating that after compulsively going to the gym, he realized that he wasn’t working out for the right reasons and what was actually driving him to exercise were the intrusive thoughts of his MD. Beyond that, this is also a sign that he can actually distinguish between his normal and healthy interest in working out and the compulsions caused by MD.

Later in the conversation, he explains that it all started when he used to see this massive and muscular superheroes in comics and noticed he didn’t look like them, because he was small, even smaller than the rest of the kids at school. He tells MC, “I’d look at those superheroes, and then back at myself. I didn’t look like them”. This is a clear reference to the media influencing the development of BBD’s and specially MD in younger boys.

It’s evident that at this point in his life he began to believe that having a muscular body would be a solution to his problems, and you can confirm that in this phrase: “It can feel like everything is telling you, things will be better if you’re stronger or more muscly”. And after his nan stepped in to take on the role of his dad, the bullying towards him increased, which just made this belief even stronger. “And whenever someone would say something to me, I’d wish I was bigger and stronger than them so they wouldn’t dare” he states, following with “So when I got older, I started working out”.

Gary goes on to say that exercising didn’t help on the long run. “At first, working out made a huge difference. I started to feel more confident. I felt like I could stick up for myself, and I got a lot more positive comments. People started to notice me in a good way, you know?” he declares. He basically tells MC that he started building his self-esteem around his physique, rather than around his inner self.

“The problem is, it never felt enough”. We see here, once again, a classic trait of people suffering from MD.

After this, comes a phrase that got me thinking: “Especially once I left school and had more time and money”. When reading this, I asked myself why having more money was relevant in things going downhill for Gary. By this point, he had already been working out and probably paying for the gym membership anyway, so I figured that this “new” money could have gone elsewhere, maybe in buying supplements to grow muscle mass faster. I can’t rule out completely the possibility that he got to the point of using AAS, but giving his personality and recovery I don’t think he went that far. Or at least I hope he didn’t.

“I kept going to the gym even when I knew I’d been going too much” he continues “It was actually my nan who noticed things were getting out of hand”. For this, us Gary fans should feel grateful. This is one of the billion reasons why he loves his nan so much. The woman rescued him from sinking deeper into his disorder, she was the only one who noticed that he wasn’t in a good place and that working out was actually tearing his life apart. She could see right through the healthy and good looking muscular man she had in front of him, as nobody else was able to see that he was still just a scrawny insecure boy on the inside. This was probably one of the lowest points in his life, if not the lowest, and his nan pulled him up and stuck with him through it all.

Afterwards, Gary states again that he struggled when it came to stop exercising. “I’d hurt my wrist cos I was lifting more than I should, but I didn’t rest or stop lifting so the problem just kept getting worse” he says “Eventually it got so bad that I had to take time off work, but I was still trying to go to the gym because I couldn’t stand missing sessions”. Even if he wanted to stop, the compulsions and unwanted thoughts took over him and he kept going to the gym.

When being asked if he couldn’t see how bad the situation was, Gary answers with “Being so strong and tough was so important to me that it felt like I couldn’t ask for help”, yet again being a reference of the way society influences young men, leading them to believe that being masculine and strong means also not talking about one’s feelings, less opening to others about one’s insecurities.

When talking about his therapy, he explains that once he started speaking about how he felt, he could see everything more clearly. He says “I’d lost sight of why I wanted to be so buff before. I couldn’t see that it wasn’t good for me”. Indeed, at first he wanted to get more muscular to enhance his self-esteem, to make himself feel better and gain confidence, but at that point it had become an actual disorder, getting in the middle of his life, getting him injured and making him stop going to work, amongst other things. Focusing on his body was actually making him feel worse because it came along with the sensation that he wasn’t making progress, even after all the time and effort he’d put into being more muscular. He also comments “By that point, I was like, ‘mate, working out is my life’”, this also being a characteristic of patients with MD, as their obsession takes over their life.

To wrap this section of this post, let’s talk shortly about his recovery. Gary says that his wrist eventually healed and that he kept going to therapy. “It took a while, but now I know when I’m doing something for the right reasons” he tells MC “It’s a constant balance though. You have to keep working on it”. After starting therapy, he understood that he can keep working out and caring about his looks without it taking over his life again or making him feel worse about his image, but that he will always have to maintain a certain equilibrium, so he doesn’t get out of control again.

“It’s okay for me to work out and be active, but I have to check in with myself. If those thoughts start coming back I know to call up my GP and get talking again”. This phrases are a total relief, as they let us know that he has learned when to seek help and, more importantly, to read the signs of his own mind telling him about his MD thoughts coming back. It’s even more relieving when he finishes with “I can still have tough moments, but I’m so much better at working through them now”.

Overall, Day 26 makes us realize that he hasn’t always been as confident as he seems, less felt good about his body image. It gives his character more depth; he’s not just a lighthearted lad that talks about cranes, makes dad jokes and loves his nan anymore. And reading between lines helps us get an even fuller picture of what he went through and the state he is in now.

How do MD and his past affect Gary’s general behavior?

After all that information, let’s start this with something simpler. I’m going to name a few stressful events for Gary during his time at the Villa: the morning after the first recoupling, Lucas and Henrik’s arrival and all the girls-pick recouplings.

Where is he after all those events? You guessed it, he’s at the gym.

I have been asked if this is him working out to relieve anxiety, but I’m not sure if it’s always the case. Of course, he mentions that for him there’s nothing like burning off some tension in the gym, so most times he could be working out to clear his mind and to feel less stressed out.

Despite this, in other situations and considering his condition, it could be also him starting to feel insecure about himself. It’s likely that when he begins feeling that way, those bad thoughts about his body image and compulsions, caused by MD, start to come back, so he can’t avoid going to the gym to make sure he doesn’t lose body mass and muscle. Because of his MD, he could have the sensation that, if he loses size, bad things will happen to him—girls won’t pick him at the recouplings, people will start to make fun of him again for being small, he’ll look less attractive in comparison to the rest of the male Islanders and so on. Having all of this in consideration, in some cases I actually think it’s him still struggling with insecurity and his MD, rather than just anxiety and stress.

There is a moment in the game that got me confused at first, but after thinking about it I was able to figure out what was really going on. It happens when MC goes to spot the boys at the gym and, during the conversation, Rahim points out “See! I told you your form was off, Gary”, which makes the corners of Gary’s lips turn upside down. “All right, settle down. I don’t usually use a gym, okay” he responds and strikes a pose, flexing “This is all natural…”. I’m sure that in this moment he was lying. From what he confessed in Day 26, we know he’s been working out since his teens (remember that he’s 23, so he has at least been doing it for five or six years), so it’s obvious that his body built is not exactly natural, more so if we consider that he used to get bullied for being too small. In this situation and with a recoupling coming soon, he probably didn’t want to get embarrassed by Rahim’s comment in front of MC, so he blurted out some excuse, basically saying that his bad form is technically product of him being unexperienced. Again, we see him being insecure.

Now, I’m not saying that him being at the gym and working out is always a bad thing. In fact, he it looks like he has fun and socializes with the rest of the boys when they’re all exercising together. He seems to have a good balance of how much time he spends there and, most importantly, knows when to stop. We notice this when he tells MC things like “There’s nothing like burning off some tension in the gym. But I need to have some other ways to deal with how I’m feeling too” and “I don’t want to end up just going to the gym whenever I’m bored or stressed out about something else”. The thing is, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we find him at the gym after stressful events, even more when you have in mind that he doesn’t want to go there with the sole purpose of relieving stress.

So, we see Gary often flexing his muscles, right? I actually think this behavior of his has two sides. As you may have read earlier in this post, people with MD have this tendency to touch their muscles a lot. I think that in situations of stress like Day 26 this could be the case for him. But the other side of it, and the most important one in my opinion, is that this adds a cheeky, playful and confident aspect to his character. It lets us know that he enjoys the attention and that he likes to show off.

Now, it’s certain that him showing off means that his recovering has been really successful so far, knowing that people with MD tend to avoid showing their body to others because they are ashamed of the way they look. The fact that he’s in a swimming suit during the entire show, being recorded for national TV and knowing millions of people are watching, is a huge signal that he feels significantly better about his body and image. He has learned to love and appreciate his body in some way, hence the question he so often asks, so cheekily “Like what you see?” and he feels proud enough to show it off. The fact that he knows he’s attractive to others makes all the difference for his self-image, even if he doesn’t necessarily believe it himself. And, trust me, that with him being a MD patient it took him a lot to get where he is now in terms of confidence and feeling comfortable in his own skin.

Moving to another topic, something that always caught my attention is that Gary is constantly worrying about others. We see this in cases like when he comforts Lottie after Hannah gets dumped from the Island or when he pulls her for a chat when he notices that she’s stressed out about the Rocco situation, when he offers Chelsea a tissue after he sees her crying over the gossip-sneezer drama, all of the moments he demonstrates being protective of MC’s feelings when they’re coupled up and even during his Mr. Love Island speech. His type also includes a girl who cares about others and doesn’t get involved in drama, to match his personality. After analyzing his past, we understand why he is always trying to reach out when another Islander feels sad and why he is one of the first ones to offer a helping hand. It’s mainly because there was a time in his life when he struggled with getting help for feeling bad about himself and wished someone had reached out to him in a similar way. He knows that people could be struggling internally without anyone noticing, just like it happened to him.

I’m sure that during his stay in the Villa, Gary tries his best not to hurt anyone. An example of this is his chat with MC after he lies about kissing Marisol. He feels bad about it and promises to apologize to her, and the players don’t get frowns for calling him out as a signal that he owns his mistake. Another example is if MC chooses to couple with him in Day 9, right after the recoupling Gary tells her that he feels bad for Lottie, because he knows that she fancies him. He says, with a sad expression “I feel bad that I’m here treading on someone’s toes, but I guess that’s what it’s about, right? I just hope everyone here finds someone that wants to be with them, long term”.

If you’ve gone this far in this post, I’m sure that by now you may have a few questions about his overall personality, so to finish this segment I’ll answer the most relevant ones:

Is Gary’s confident personality a facade? I’m one hundred percent sure it is not, especially considering that he has a cheeky sense of humor and that he likes to show off. In my opinion, he acts this way because he has learned that confidence is good. That his body is good enough to show, and that his personality, stories and awful jokes are worth sharing with others. It’s incredibly healthy for him to feel this way about himself.

Is Gary fragile? My answer to this is yes and no. Why yes? It’s mainly because we still see him acting insecure across the game and because he will always have traces of low self-esteem, giving his condition. He will be always more likely to overthink about his physical appearance and more prone to feel poorly about himself when he compares himself to more muscular men. Why no, then? Because after the end of the chat with him at Day 26, he states that now he knows when to seek help, how to maintain a balance on his exercising habits and that, overall, he has accepted his illness. He doesn’t get hijacked by bad thoughts about himself anymore and he seems to know the boundary that distinguishes a benign interest in physical appearance from the bad thoughts that come along with MD, which makes him less prone to come back to that low point he reached in the past.

Relationships.

Now I’m going to make a few comments about his main relationships while in the Villa, with them being his relationship with Lottie and his relationship with MC.

We never know for sure if he eventually tells Lottie about his past, but I have the feeling that he doesn’t, especially because in Day 26 he tells MC “I don’t always tell people why she’s (his nan) so important in my life. And now you know”, suggesting that maybe she is the only one in the Villa that has this information as of now.

Either way, the thing that bothers me about the way the Lottie-Gary ship is written is that most of the time we see them arguing and not agreeing in lots of things. In some cases, this could be considered “cute” or “entertaining”, but it isn’t when you notice Gary confesses a few times that it worries him and has him on edge, saying that he can never know how Lottie is going to react to things or wondering in what mood she’s going to be in. As a clarification, I’m not debating in whether Lottie is unstable or not, because it really doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. What matters in this case is that Gary perceives her being that way.

The constant uncertainty of his partner’s behavior could harm Gary in the long run, as we know that he is still attending to therapy sessions and going through bad days from time to time, and without someone who he can know for sure will support him and reassuring him whenever he needs, things could start to get more difficult for him to handle.

Moving to his relationship with MC, if you have done a Gary playthrough, you know that he constantly tells her that he doesn’t feel like a weirdo when he is around her and, basically, that he feels that he can be himself. If we take in consideration his history and personality, this makes a huge difference for him, as we’ve seen him get to the point of lying so he doesn’t get embarrassed in front of the girls. When being in a relationship with MC, he is finally able to let go of some of his insecurities and stops worrying about how other girls perceive him.

So, moving past that, I just wanted to quickly point out something about their relationship that seems interesting to me. In one of the gem scenes, Gary tells MC “My nan would like you. You keep me in check. She’d say I need someone like that around”. I couldn’t help but notice that he uses the same verb in the past when referring to him getting his thoughts straight by differentiating between the intrusive beliefs caused by his MD and what is actually real. This could be his way of telling MC that she keeps him grounded, that he could never feel insecure when being with her and that she, somehow, helps him to keep away the bad thoughts about himself. And of course his nan would like that—she’d love seeing his grandson with someone who he feels safe with. Because of this, I think that his relationship with MC is by far the healthiest one he could have in the Villa, and even in the playthroughs when they’re not a couple, the reason being that he opens to her about his past either way.

In conclusion.

I think it’s really interesting the way Fusebox tried to insert real life troubles and conditions into their characters. For me, this made a big difference when playing the game, because the majority of the characters feel real, specially in comparison to Season 1; whether you like a character or not, we all have to agree that every single one of them has a very defined personality and behavior, and that is a compelling aspect of the gameplay.

I also like the way they made the Love Island boys break stereotypes and dismiss toxic masculinity. In Gary’s case, we see this reflected in him being always open and sincere with his feelings, having him making subtle comments like “Sometimes we all need a little cry. Nothing wrong with that”.

Because of everything I’ve written in this post, I could say that the fandom is not wrong when they classify Gary as being soft. He is, indeed, a softie—the softest boy in the Villa, in my opinion. But he is not just that. He is also incredibly emotionally intelligent, as he learned how to overcome his mental disorder, how to communicate and accept his feelings and how to reach out to others and offer them help, amongst a billion of other things. We see him also being very mature for his age, with many pointing out that he seems older than he actually is. I can’t deny that most of his maturity probably comes from being raised by his nan and because he has gone through a lot in terms of accepting himself and growing as a person in general.

On a quick side note, I’ve noticed people with clearly poor understanding on mental health that have tried to write him as a villain and end up usually turning him into an insecure, self-centered, egotistical character, labeling it as layering, when the reality is far from that. Vilifying insecurity, low self-esteem and fear of rejection/failure is not layering. Those are common flaws and issues that cause distraught in many people on a daily basis and, in my opinion, they should be approached with proper understanding, respect and reassurance.

Anyhow, it makes me so happy seeing much more Love Island fans recognizing the true good and soft nature of Gary’s personality as time passes, and even happier that a lot more started appreciating him because of his issues. His story represents, in my opinion, a story of recovery. There are few things better than seeing someone that used to struggle with how they felt about themselves, keeping their head up, accepting their flaws as their own and doing their best to keep getting better, and that’s what he represents at the end of Day 26.

I’ll be leaving down below some of the papers I used for my additional research, as well as some simple articles and videos about MD, if some of you would like to know more about it and spread awareness.

Let’s take this character’s story as an example to follow, as it indirectly encourages people to accept themselves and to share their mental illness stories once they feel ready to do so. I think that by supporting this type of characters we’re letting the writers know that we do like to read characters like this, with true layers, defects and with backgrounds that feel just real.

Finally, as some friend of mine said, let’s jump on the Gary tour bus and spread some love, positivity and appreciation for this amazing character*:･ﾟ✧

Links, articles and videos.

[Nature article], [The Guardian Article], [TED Talk], [TED Talk Q&A], [BDD 2015 Conference], [ABC Science Video], [ABC News Video], [Paper n°1], [Paper n°2], [Paper n°3], [Paper n°4], [Paper n°5], [Paper n°6].

[shitty-check-please-aus]

2020 Books Read So Far

Note: Most of these are audiobooks (listening to books counts as reading books and if you disagree I’d ask you to consider why you believe that), books I started and didn’t finish will be listed but not reviewed, and all my opinions are extremely subjective. I’m putting this on this blog because I want to and I think it’ll help me keep track of what I’ve read if I write it down in a couple places. 

Some notes:

I’m surprised that most of these are nonfiction! I don’t usually think of myself as a nonfiction reader. 

Having audiobooks has made me way more productive as a reader, since I can read while I’m doing repetitive tasks at work, when I have to stand on the bus, when I’m running, etc. 

Naked, by David Sedaris

3/5, the audiobook was “unabridged selections” which means “we didn’t edit the individual essays but you’re only getting half the book”– it would probably have been a 4/5 if it was a whole book. I liked that Amy Sedaris was reading parts of it, but that’s because I like her more than I like her brother. This is sort of an example of the difference between “comedic” and “humorous,” because it’s definitely the latter. 

Read it if: you want to read something pretty fucking weird. 

Lafayette in the Somewhat United States, by Sarah Vowell

4/5, I saw this recommended a lot when Hamilton first came out so it’s been in the back of my mind for a good while. The book had a great cast, and having different people reading the historical quotes was an excellent touch! 

However, I think Vowell’s conversational style is a little jarring here sometimes. It’s like “wait, why are you talking about Bruce Springsteen, I’m not that familiar with his work but he definitely isn’t from Revolutionary War times.” I got her book Assassination Vacation at a used bookshop recently as well, and both books suffer from post-2016 hindsight, where she’ll say something about how incompetent and foolish the politicians of her time are, and I just have to snort to myself and say “Sarah, you’re going to lose your goddamn mind soon.” That’s a bit of an unfair reaction, but it’s hard to avoid having it.

I was also, maybe unfairly, expecting to learn more than I did. The problem is that I know a Lot about the Revolutionary War, and from the introduction I thought we’d hear more about Lafayette’s later life (my knowledge drops sharply after about 1810). The book basically ends after the Battle of Yorktown, though.

Read it if: you have not seen/listened to both Hamilton and 1776, or if you want to read a summary of the Revolutionary War with a focus on one French captain. 

Assassination Vacation, by Sarah Vowell

3/5, honestly maybe a 2.5/5. Okay, so. Either I know a lot more about American History than I felt like I did or this is again a very surface level thing. Part of it is because she spends 123 pages on Abe Lincoln. There are 255 pages total. 2/3 of the states I’ve lived in are Indiana and Illinois, two states that fight about claiming Lincoln as their own, and I’ve been to D.C. 4 or 5 times, so I feel like I know enough about Lincoln. I know about John Wilkes Booth, and his brother Edwin who saved Lincoln’s son’s life, and the death train that took Lincoln’s body around the country. I did enjoy learning about the doctor who was probably conspiring with Booth and how he ended up saving tons of lives in prison when there was a yellow fever outbreak (also to be briefly unbearably nitpicky: I think she might have mixed up dengue and yellow fever? She calls yellow fever “breakbone” but I can only find instances online of people calling dengue fever that. Maybe they called them all breakbone in the late 1800s. If anyone reading this is an epidemiologist, let me know).

It was interesting to hear that Charles Guiteau, killer of President Garfield, was part of the Oneida cult. I’m trying to think of anything notable she said about Leon Czolgosz, killer of President McKinley. I guess she talks about how people assumed he was a foreigner because of his name, but I already listened to “The Ballad of Czolgosz” in Assassins, so I knew “Czolgosz, angry man, born in the middle of Michigan.”

This one is from 2005 so the politics stuff is a little more interesting, since at the time I was busy learning multiplication and spending one entire baseball season learning about baseball and following my team (they won the world series, I have excellent timing). I will say that in 2005 we did have Google, so I am again annoyed with some of her asides and personal anecdotes. Look, if you go to the Hemingway house and you don’t know there will be cats there, that’s on you if you don’t bring your Claritin. Hemingway is associated with only two good things, six-toed cats and Daiquiris. 

She also does not acknowledge that the parties basically switched platforms? Lincoln’s Republican party is not today’s Republican party, in fact kind of the opposite, so it’s weird that she starts the book with a dedication that’s like “to my lifelong Democrat grandpa, he’d be pissed I dedicated a book about 3 Republicans to him.” I guess she does sometimes say stuff like “how did Lincoln’s party become Reagan’s” (paraphrase), but she doesn’t actually get into it. 

Speaking of Democrats, she literally spends more time talking about Pablo Picasso than she spends talking about JFK. She doesn’t explain why she didn’t talk about JFK, but it seems bizarre to me to write a book about American assassinations and to leave out John Fucking Kennedy. Literally I’ve talked more about JFK in this section than she did in her assassin book. It’s not until page 253 that JFK gets a full paragraph. There are 255 pages total. Truly, if she’d taken a paragraph to be like “I’m focusing on the presidents who were elected before 1900″ or “the presidents whose immediate families aren’t still alive” or even “I didn’t want to travel to Dallas for research” or SOMETHING to explain why she left out JFK, I would have understood it more instead of flipping through the pages wondering what was going on. 

Read it if: You do not listen to too many history podcasts and you didn’t read the Wikipedia page for the musical Assassins. And I guess if you don’t want to acknowledge that JFK did also get assassinated and that was kind of a big deal. Actually just listen to Assassins instead. 

And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie

5/5 as a mystery, 0/5 for its original title (not gonna say it here but if you’ve ever googled the name of HP Lovecraft’s cat, it’s along those lines). Less than 6 hours, narrated by Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey, fairly ideal as an audiobook. I am 95% sure I’ve already read this, because I spent the summer before I started high school reading every Agatha Christie book in the library (I do not have a list of all the Agatha Christie books in my library the summer of 2010, so there is some question). 

Read if: you want to hear the guy from Downton Abbey deliver the line “I’m not a complete fool!” in a tone that makes it sound like “I’m not a fucking moron!” Sidenote: Can anyone tell me if Brits say “solder” by pronouncing the L that I’ve always heard as a silent L? Or if Dan Stevens just fucked up that one word?

Over The Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love, by Jonathan Van Ness

4.5/5

This was a super enjoyable audiobook! It’s a testament to JVN’s considerable charisma that this book is full of him giving people in his past who would rather be anonymous Russian names, and it doesn’t get grating (as a Marina, however, I was shocked to not hear my name at any point; most of the other Marina’s I’ve met in my life are Russian). JVN has had a wild ride in life, and it’s a really raw, honest story of how he became who he is. I will say that if you are interested in reading this, please look up the trigger warnings; there are a lot of things that could be triggering to people. 

I feel a little bad at how much more I liked this one compared to Tan France’s memoir, but I also feel like whoever was ghostwriting that one did a bad job at making Tan seem... not extremely defensive, cocky, and prickly (it seems that JVN did not use a ghostwriter; Tan’s on the other hand, let the phrase “I’m proud to be a petty bitch” make it into the final proof several times). Also JVN advocates going to therapy in his book, while Tan kind of says that you should only go to therapy if you have no friends or family or life partner to talk to, which I fundamentally disagree with. I don’t know. I also feel like, if I were to get a makeover from the Fab 5, Jonathan would love my hair (I have great hair) while Tan would say that I’m dressing too old for a 24 year old and then take me to fucking Lane Bryant or Torrid (I wear a size 16 US so IRL options are limited). 

Read if: You like Queer Eye or Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness

Medallion Status, by John Hodgman

4.5/5

I really like John Hodgman’s podcast, and I got to ask him a question at an event he did at the Field Museum and he was very nice, so I went into this inclined to enjoy it. 

And I did! I had a good time reading it. I read it the first week of January and now it’s the second week of February so I have already erased much of the book’s content from my mind, but he somehow made the perspective of being a formerly kinda famous person really interesting. I would also recommend Vacationland, particularly if anyone wants to write an au where Nursey, as a New Yorker, has a vacation home in Dex’s town in Maine. That’s right, I brought it back around to the topic of this blog. And that would be a fucking fantastic au. 

Read it if: you like memoirs! it’s a good one. 

Murder on the Orient Express, by Agatha Christie

Gonna give this one a 3/5 for performance, because Dan Stevens (again, because I liked his narration in the other one) does a really annoying American accent for a few characters, and an extremely bad Italian accent for another. I’m starting this review only a few hours in, so if it turns out that the Italian man is not Italian, I’ll revoke my criticism. Still a 5/5 mystery, though. I did have to stop many times when they were talking about Istanbul to go over to Spotify and play “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” by They Might Be Giants. 

Books abandoned in 2020 (so far) (no real spoilers, I didn’t get more than a few chapters into any of them):

The Unhoneymooners, Christina Lauren

I got to a point where the main character was telling a lie that would put her newly accepted job into jeopardy, and it stressed me out so much as a relatively new hire that I stopped listening for the day and started another one, and then the week had passed and then the library took it back. I think I’d enjoy it more if I was reading it physically and I could control how fast I got through awkward parts (I am practically allergic to secondhand embarrassment). The performance was good and I did get a hankering for cheese curds. 

Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris

I had like three audiobooks checked out at the same time, and even though this was again an abridged version, I just didn’t have time for all of them. My mom has a physical copy, I’ll borrow that at some point. 

The Witch Elm, Tana French

This is one I may revisit someday. The main character is kind of an asshole, which is the point of his character I think, but it made it hard to get into the story. It’s also a 22 hour audiobook, which is kind of insanely long. Additionally, the narrator has a very slow way of talking, but if I tried to speed up the rate of playback I had trouble understanding his accent (I think I just have trouble processing really fast speech in general as well, but I would’ve had an easier time understanding someone with the same accent as me). Anyways, someone put a hold on it at the library and then I didn’t check it out again. 

[away-with-the-world]

Wow.

How I can only say thank you for the unreal response I’ve received from MKW. She deserved nothing less, so thank you.

The next subject I wanted to “ramble” on about, is being pregnant within the tough world we live in at the moment. At first it was so obscure, but now it is a new normal for fortheseaable. Which is sad. I know this is hot news for everyone’s subject of conversation, so don’t let me bore you with my experience too - only if you want to be bored!

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, which is a highly touchy subject with your GP surgeries / DR’s. I know from my personal experience, I was continuously ignored which was hard - but persistence is key people!! After my operation to remove the endometriosis, the consultant told me that basically I won’t be able to conceive as it was left for so long (obviously their terminology was used, and it wasn’t put to me as bluntly as that) however, it sure felt it.

I was a girl, who let’s be honest - never really thought about kids, but like most people I took that I could conceive naturally for granted.. so I was heartbroken.

Fast forward pointless relationships, and some years in my life - I met scott, wow what a person! I’m so glad he’s my lobster !!! (Friends quote for those who don’t know) anyway, to tell scott that I couldn’t promise him the family he’s already dreamt of broke him inside too, but we spoke about other options which we were happy to go forward with in the future...

Again, another fast forward (turning into a TV) we were on date night and I didn’t feel “normal”, what is that anyway? But I just KNEW something was different, we came home & I had always stored pregnancy tests, whether this was for Hope or what not I don’t know - anyway, there it was... we had conceived, our own little rainbow baby.

So during the happiest time of our life together so far, we were restricted to sharing this with the love of our families due to the lockdown. Which broke our hearts, but what we did do was record each announcement (nan and grandads will be cherished forever), I must say though - my sister Nat’s reaction was the most heartfelt, and still makes me cry to this day!!

Last fast forward now, I promise !!!

Hospital appointments, meetings with the midwife, injections and endless blood tests (eewwwwwww) and I had to do all of this alone, no it doesn’t seem a big deal. But it is, this may be my only chance to be a momma & I want scott to be there every step of the way, so I just can only hope and pray the world is a better and kinder place next year when our baby is due.

Until then peanut, I will keep you safe.

All my love, ab x

[judgement-free-sideblog]

The enemy of love is the truth

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x reader

Summary: They were happy just as friends, but one morning the call from an old trauma may change everything.

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, history of drug use, mental health issues, cursing, angst.

This one is extremely long but I love the final result, the next chapter will be the end, thank for reading, comments are more than welcome.

■Part I  ■ Part II ■Part III ■ Part IV ■ Part V ■ Part VI■ Part VII ■ Part VIII | Final ■

Part V

"And you didn't kiss, again?" Zawe said, she took a sip from her wine glass and take her hand to her forehead with exasperation. "This has been going on forever now, I'm done, Caroline you take care now"

"Don't look at me, I basically push them together what else can I do? Lock them inside my office? Trust me I have thought about it." The other woman said.

"Excuse me, I'm still here and I can hear you" Y/N said questioning why did she agree to have lunch with them in the first place, however she had chose to only tell them about the invitation to an ex's wedding and the late tea at Tom's flat and not a single thing else "And what does again is supposed to mean?"

"New year two years ago" Caroline started "I was dating that gorgeous Greek guy with the most beautiful abs I have ever seen, and everyone kissed at midnight, and what did you do? You leave the dance floor to go vomit in my bathroom"

"Oysters and champagne don't mix" Y/N said getting red remembering the night "And Stavros was only kind of hot" she add making Caroline sigh with pretend indignation.

"What about january last year?" Zawe continued "Bobby was sick and he was on call for his last movie, and you take a week off to stay at his place to help him out"

"First of all I love that dog, and I did that for him more than for Tom, and second I didn't stayed at his place" She answered knowing pretty well she was lying "I only get there super early and went out late at night, but I would have done that for you guys too"

They continued laughing and talking about nothing in particular, with the subject coming up time to time, they meant well and Y/N knew it, even if they didn't knew the whole story.

"Being honest he is as guilty as you are" Caroline said signaling the waiter to get the check. "Last year on November you were at that gynecology symposium on Madrid, and he acted like he was losing his mind until he got in to a plane to met you there, and what brilliant excuse did he give you? He said he needed a flu shot and don't trust his doctor here, also all those times he had crashed at your apartment are total bullshit I was with him the other night and he didn't have a single drop, and I'm getting tired of helping him pretend he does"

"Oh please stop it already" they were walking towards Zawe's car and she was as amused to find the truth about that obvious lie as she was exasperated by her friends "You are right ok? at least on my side. I have been childish about all of this. But if I'm honest I don't know what could I do? In the end I'm still a general practitioner from a tiny hospital and he is Tom Hiddleston"

"Well darling, he could be the sound engineer of the theater or the Prime Minister himself" Said Zawe once they were inside the car "He still is crazy about you. What you have to do is take the leap, talk about it like adults, go to the bloody wedding and enjoy yourself without thinking of anyone else"

"And for once don't run away like a scared chicken when things get personal" Caroline said happy that she finally was able to acknowledge her feelings.

"Sure... why not? By the way I been meaning to tell you something..."

The conversation fade away in other topics, a few more relevant than others, but Y/N mind was far away in the past thinking of the last time she risked all for him and how tremendously wrong it all have turn out.

They had agree he will pick her up at her place, after the most demanding shift she ever had, she took a quick shower and put on a flowy dress, and her coat, and in an effort to look more decent a pair of earrings.

She was trying desperately to make her makeup work when an alarm went off in her phone, a reminder to make a call and before she could think it trough she was already listening the dial tone, praying for him to don't pick up.

"Hi there" his voice finally said when she was about to hang up "so glad to hear you. It's everything alright?"

"Completely, how about you? Did you change your job as you wanted?" She said, now trapped in the conversation.

"I did, and them I changed it again, that's why you should call people more than once a year, otherwise you never know the full story. What's new with you?"

"I start working part time at a theater, as a personal doctor for the manager" she said getting close to what she wanted to say to him.

"Oh that's great, have you met someone interesting there? Are you dating some gorgeous Shakespearean actor... actress??" He still knew her well enough to make things easy for her to talk about.

"I do, in fact I have a date... soon, it's that ok?" She said the last a bit doubtful, she didn't want to hurt him again.

"That's amazing Y/N" David said sincerely "And relax, is not me who you should be worried about, I want you to be happy, just don't go sabotaging things like you use to. I love you girl, but if I'm honest I think you chose to be miserable even when other people try their best to make you happy"

They talked for another couple minutes and when she finally said goodbye his words kept resonating in her mind, but he was wrong, it was not sabotaging, it was self preservation, like this stupid idea of a date. She was quite sure he was trying to make her feel less ashamed for her drunken advances on him, a nice dinner, some talking so she could go on with her life thinking "It simply didn't work, but he is such a nice man"

And she hated herself for ending up in such pathetic position, thinking of how much fun tom must have had watching her making a fool of herself. She was determined then to call off the date, make a graceful scape before she could embarrassing herself but before she could called him there was a ring at her door.

He was gorgeous of course, his beard as well maintained as always and his hair combed to de back of his head in beautiful waves that she wanted to touch since the first time she saw him. He was wearing a coat over a simple dark grey shirt and jeans.

He smiled fondly at her when he saw her, there were dark circles under her eyes and he thought they looked beautiful, something refreshing about a woman who worked that hard on something that she loved.

Y/N intrigued him, she seemed to live like a mature functioning adult, but there was a childish sparkle in her eyes when she started to talk that made him want to know more about her, but then that ever present hint of sadness always refraining her to talk to much, all of which made her the most interesting puzzle.

"Something in mind you would like to eat?" He asked once they were inside his car, with his tinted windows up, he liked driving alone, but he liked his privacy more and they have proven to be an effective solution.

"Not really, anywhere you pick will be fine" she said smiling and he drove to a nice restaurant, making small talk about work, their mutual friends and the weather.

Once they arrived the valet took his keys and gave her what he thought was a meaningful almost impertinent smile.

"I really need to apologize for my behavior" She started once their food was ordered and the waiter had served them two big glasses of wine "It was inappropriate for me to act like that. I am deeply sorry"

"Don't be, we were all a little drunk. But it was nice talking to you" they ate in silence, other than, what she felt, empty mutual compliments on each others carreras. Proving what she had fear since the night before. Until he finally spoke again "I've been meaning to ask you, did you enjoy the play?"

"Absolutely, Mister Cox and Miss Ashton are outstanding, and you obviously it's an incredible play, all things considered" she said taken aback by the question and cursing herself for the last part.

"What things considered?" He asked now genuinely intrigued.

"Oh I'm sorry, I misspoke, it's something stupid actually" she said nervously trying to avoid his gaze and failing.

"Come on, I'm a big boy, I can take some criticism" he lean back on his chair and open his arms, as if he waited for a punch, his eyes still fix on Y/N.

"Ok, but do notice this is coming from Y/N the feminist doctor who spend her free time protesting and not Y/N the fan of theater and literature." She said finally looking back at him decided "I think somehow it demonizes Emma's betrayal and eventual "punishment" while it glorifies the male ego of the two men. And also Robert Down is a prick"

He opened his mouth slightly surprised and then closed his lips in a thin line and let go a chuckle, with a mild blush crossing his face.

"Auch" He said finally, "Well it's and old play... and he amm of course is not a good person, I guess if you are not familiarized with Pinter's work you may have that kind of conclusion"

He had trouble finding his words to debate her, although he was impressed with her honesty, but since it was a sensible matter he wanted to be clear, however Y/N interpreted as him trying to dismiss her statement and change the subject, which put her one step closer to anger.

"You really are that nice aren't you?" She started, with her voice cold and sharp "And I don't mean it as a compliment, but you are right. I don't know Harold Pinter's work but I do know he is factually wrong, there's no deep intricate meaning behind betrayal, in the end is quite simple, people can't make the choice of remaining truthful either to themselves or the people who they love without being bitches about it. You like to shag around no strings attached fine do that don't complain is it doesn't feel like a home, you want a successful marriage fine forget about any other bloody temptation and be decent. But I guess in the end lies are what keeps people together. Once the truth is out, love dies and so the relationship" he was astonished, however the passion in her voice made him answered to her in a similar tone, changing completely the direction he had imagine for the evening.

"Don't be absurd, that would imply people need to systematically lie in order to keep their relationships, if anything the play is a critique on those precise actions, while normal people try to have loving relationships in honesty, even when sometimes is easier to say a lie. And there's a complete difference between lying to save your arse and conceal your dishonesty, and lying to be socially functional"

"So you never lie?" She asked now completely furious of what she felt was hypocrisy.

"Everybody lies, that's the point, there is a difference in being oblivious on other people's feelings imposing your wrong personal opinions and pretend that's some moral high honesty, and being polite enough to avoid subjects that may hurt others" He said now crossing her arms, pleased with her momentary silence until she start to look for something in her purse trying to hide the hurt in her face.

"Exactly" She said finally putting a couple £50 notes on the table and looking at him with anger in her eyes "Like asking stupid women out so they don't feel like total idiots for hitting on you while they were drunk? That kind of politeness?"

"What?" He said flabbergasted finally rising his voice "That's why you think I asked you out?"

"Oh don't patronize me!" She said also rising her voice and standing up "It must've been so funny, asking a girl who is obsessed with you on a date, what amazingly beautiful act of chivalry. You know what you are? You are an entitled selfish bastard, who gets off on the world worshiping him." She took her purse of the table and put her coat back on, and before leaving she add "And men can't be feminist, you would know that if you read a book on feminist theory instead the glorified misogynistic bastards you adore"

She quickly move away from the table leaving a perplex Tom behind, but before she could exit the restaurant he started following her, reaching her just a couple meters from the valet parking station next to the restauran small planters.

"Oh this is very mature of you" he called her "You owe me an explanation"

"I don't owe you shit" He was close enough so he catch her by her wrist.

"Or at least let me take you home" he said turning her around, she rise her other hand and he prepared his right cheek for what he anticipated will be a slap, but something caught her eye and instead and she took her hand to her ear and to his surprise she change her voice to a high pitch whining, causing him to let her go.

"Oh whe is it? Where did I leave it? It must have fallen here" she started looking for something in the planters and kneeling near the fence.

"Are you having a stroke?" He asked getting down to her level "what are you looking for?"

"There's a guy with a camera hiding behind a car two meters from you" she said rapidly in a whisper, she quickly put one of her earrings in his hand and said: "Follow my lead, don't look back. Stand up now"

He did as she told him and they stand up, he was still holding the earring in his hand when she took it smiling wide, and putting it back on, and then for his surprise hugging him.

"Smile, get back inside, go to the bar, order a drink and then come back and ask for your car" she said using the proximity to whisper in his ear.

"Why?" He asked and the breaking the contact.

"Just trust me" she said between her teeth and smiling again. He returned the smile and nodded, going back in completely clueless of what was happening, in inside corner of his eye he could see the man with the camera.

He order a glass of wine, but he barely even touch it, the ten minutes he waited felt like eternity and finally he exited the place again. He give the ticket to the valet. The young man went for it immediately and he couldn't help to feel observed. When his car finally arrived and he tried to tip him the guy simply said "it's taken care of, drive safe" He nodded and get in his car not surprised to see Y/N already in the passenger seat.

He drove off and once they were a couple blocks away they looked at each other, and before anyone could talk they started laughing hysterically but it also felt cathartic.

"Care to explain what happened love?" He asked now back to his normal tone "Did you break into my car?"

"Of course not, Philip amm... the valet guy, he works half time as a medical assistant in my hospital. A couple weeks ago he told me that sometimes the waiters of that restaurant call the papers to get scoops on celebrities, and I assumed you didn't want my stupid tantrum in the first page tomorrow"

"Well no, but at least I'm glad you admit it was a tantrum. Can I know what happened?"

"Oh, the guy with the camera come asking me why you were chasing after me, I told him I made a scene in the restaurant because I couldn't find my late grandmother earrings and this handsome" She said exaggerating an innocent voice "who I didn't catch his name, help me found it, then I texted Philip to let me get inside your car, because I supposed he will be waiting for you to come out"

"That's amazing and clever" he said genuinely impressed by her story "But I meant at the restaurant"

"Oh... I had a terrible day, and I leashed out on you" she said turning red. "I am really sorry, you are not an entitled bastard, and everything I said... it was just out of place. I completely respect your acting, and I shouldn't have expressed myself that way" she apologized for all the things she have said without him interrupting her while he drive back to her place.

"Don't worry about it" he said finally smiling at Y/N again with the most candid smile he had given her yet "I'm sure other people have called me worst, just not to my face, and I do appreciate your honesty. Just one thing." He said parking the car at her door. "That's not why I asked out, and I apologize because I didn't make my intentions clear in the beginning. Nevertheless this was a fun experience"

"Said that again" she said without thinking.

"This was really fun I actually enjoyed your company..."

"No, that word 'nevertheless' sounds way more powerful when you say it."

"Nevertheless?" He said getting out of the car.

"Yeah, I actually have a tattoo that says nevertheless she persisted" she started playing with her keys in her doorway, looking pleased by the interest he show on that detail.

"You do go out protesting huh?" He said taking one step closer.

"I do, and I'm really sorry again" she said looking away and finally putting the keys in the lock.

"And again it's nothing really, so now... am I'll guess..."

"I'll see you around" she said, he kissed her on the cheek and she entered her flat, wishing to forget everything about that day.

By the time she was back at the theater next day, she was hoping to leave all behind, but everyone seemed to be obsessed with Tom's random act of kindness to a stranger that thank goodness the camera hadn't focused well.

She chose to hide inside her office the rest of the night until by the time she assumed everyone will be leaving someone knocked on her door, she opened thinking Caroline may be needing something, but she was surprised when she saw Tom standing there.

"Today it's my birthday, and we are going to celebrate, would you like to come by? I can't help to remind how you called Charlie and Zawe mister and miss, and I think they would like you" he said passing his fingers trough his hair distractedly.

"I know, yeah I would love too" She said immediately "But first, please come in, I... um... I actually got you something, it's a birthday present and also a peace offering for the way I acted yesterday" She went to her desk with him following behind her. She took something from the drawer "You are an amazing Robert, and I know you like to research your characters, I mean you probably have read this already but I thought you might like it" she give him a neatly wrapped brown package with a nice blue ribbon on top.

He opened unceremoniously with a child like expressions, touched by her gesture. And he opened his mouth in excitement and disbelief when he saw the book inside.

The Wild Swans at Coole. Other Verses and a Play in Verse. YEATS, W. B.

"Is this a...?"

"A signed original edition, yes." She said happy "I assume you have many of this but I couldn't think of anything else to give you"

"It's perfect actually" he said already carefully opening the book "This is too much, thank you"

"Your welcome" she took her purse and stand up ready to leave. "So where are we going?"

"Right right" He said standing up too. "You are gonna love this guys".

That had been the end of their would be romance and also the beginning of their friendship, but while Y/N tried on one of the multiple dresses Zewe had chosen for her the idea of trying again started to look less and less crazy, her plan was already in motion, she only hoped now that he would feel the same, and even more important than that, she prayed she wouldn't loose him in case he didn't.

[bowtomycoolclocks]

Mercury Part 5

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: You have been homeschooled by your uncle Tony Stark for years, suddenly you’ve decided to attend public school, more specifically Midtown High. At this public school you acquaint yourself with a cute brown haired Spider-boy and his ragtag team of friends. You must find a way to juggle your school life and your hero life!

Warnings: Slow burn

A/N: Hiya everyone! Another day, another part! Things are starting to get intense at the tower. Btw I’m sorry that the story is slow in the Peter x reader department, but get ready cause things are coming up soon ;). Hope you guys enjoy! Don’t forget the tags and requests are open! Italics represent a thought. Thanks for reading!  

It was the end of practice, if you could call it that. Peter and Ned were walking out of the auditorium while you and Michelle were farther behind.

“Hey, I have to talk to Peter about something. Do you mind if I go ahead?”

“Sure, let me be alone, all by myself.” Michelle droned with a sigh.

“Thanks.” Then you run up to Peter and Ned, walking in their pace.

“Hey Usain Bolt, what’s up?” Peter inquired smiling.

“Can I talk to you in private for a second?”

“Sure.” Then both of you look at Ned, waiting for him to leave. He stared blankly ahead then looked at both of you.

“Oh, I should go…“

“Yeah thanks.” You say, then with that Ned walks to Michelle and starts talking to her.

“What do you want me to talk ab-“

“Do you really work with Tony Stark?”

“Y-yeah why do you ask?” Peter scratches the back of his head, turning to you.

“Oh I don’t know,” You pause, assessing if it is the best idea to tell Peter that you’re Tony Starks niece, “Maybe because I’m his niece.”

Peter eyes become huge, and his cheeks started to burn bright red.

“Really? Thats strange cause I’ve never seen you at the tower.” Peter questioned.

“Nor have I seen you.”

“So are you going to tell me the truth?” You added.

“I-I’m not lying… you can ask him yourself! He’ll vouch for me.”

“Okay then, I will.” You smile then walk ahead to met Happy outside because you remembered to call him and tell him about the decathlon “practice”.

You open the doors to enter into the school and see the limousine Happy always drove. Not wanting to cause any attention, you quickly hurried down the stairs and ran to the car, opening it quickly.

“Happy, smash the pedal. Lets get going, and fast!” Happy speeds away from the school.

“Do I even need to ask.” Happy spoke up once both of you were far away from the school.

“I just don’t want people knowing that I have a personal limousine. Just from being in school for one day, I can tell you, I would have friends for the wrong reason.”

“But did you have to be so dramatic?” Happy asks.

“I wasn’t going to take my dandy ol’ time here! Practice was over and people were starting to walk outside.”

“You do know that there were other cars, meaning that people saw you. Meaning what you did was pointless.”

“Happy, you are so lucky you are sitting in the front because if you were here I’d-“

“So tell me how was school?” Happy asks hopefully diverting your attention to a different subject.

“It was… different I guess, but also neat at the same time.”

“How?”

“Well did you know that kids in public schools have to share locker rooms and have to eat crappy lunch? Cause I didn’t know that till today.”

“I’ve known that ever since I attended public school.”

“Oh I’m sorry if I disrespected you. I’m just little ignorant on the whole public school thing.” You squeal embarrassed.

“Its okay, I realize that. Why don’t we talk about the academic decathlon team? I bet they made you team captain.”

“Noooo, but they did say that I was going to be an asset on the team. Plus we get to go to Washington D.C. for a championship thing.“

“Washington? Don’t you have training?” Happy raises his eyebrow.

“I know that but I was hoping Tony would let me go.”

“Don’t tell that to me kid. You have to ask the big man.” Happy says while switching to a different lane.

“Hey guys I’m home!” You yell while walking into the living room of the tower, not seeing anyone there. Soon after Wanda, Natasha and Steve come in.

“Hey Y/N, welcome home. How was the real world?” Natasha asked while plopping herself on the plush couch overlooking Manhattan.

“It was good, I joined the academic decathlon team today.” You smile while sitting next to Natasha. Natasha was like a much older sister to you, of course you loved Wanda, Steve and Sam as much as anyone else. But you’d known Natasha since before you could talk. She and Tony were the first people in your life ever since your family passed, or at least that’s what Tony says.

“Good job kiddo, now you can finally mentor me in something.”

“Come on Nat you know you’re smart.” You nudge her shoulder.

“But is she really?” Sam comes in smirking.

“Oh be quiet bird-boy, you know I can out smart you and out fight you.” Natasha replies rolling her eyes.

“Do you want to test that theory?” Sam teases, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You are such a little pervert.”

“But you love it.” Natasha stands up ready to “fight” Sam.

“As much as I would love to see wrestle mania, I need to see Tony. Know where he might be?” You ask interjecting Natasha and Sam.

“The lab I think.” Steve spoke up.

“Thanks, I’ll be back guys.” With that you walk towards his office which was some lengths away.

“Hey Tony, I was wondering if you know this guy at my school. He’s super cute and he says he’s your intern. No that’s not good enough, I have to say it differently.” You murmur to yourself, practicing on what to say to Tony when you get to him. A little while after you finally figured out what you’ll say to Tony. You walk up to the door of lab and knock on the door.

“Enter.” You then enter the lab, with cool gadgets and trinkets. You’d been in the lab maybe once. That was when you were younger and the world had not yet encountered aliens from Asgard. Now, the world has encountered much more than that, so Tony’s collection of alien toys was one sight to behold. Tony was holding one of his blasters, putting some crystal inside of it. He then dropped his blaster and smiled at you.

“Hey there kid how was-”

“If someone asks me how my day was one more time I’m going to scream.” You interrupt Tony.

“Then I’m guessing school was worse than expected?” Tony raises his eyebrows.

“No,” you walk around the lab running your finger on the gadgets, “It was pretty good, I made some friends and joined the academic decathlon, like you suggested. But I need to talk to you.” Two of the same types of conversations in one day, fun.

“Is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong it’s just today I met this boy named Peter Parker, who is also on the academic decathlon team, and he said he was your intern. Ihich I’m pretty sure he isn’t because if he is then I would have seen him around the tower somewhere, or you would have introduced us or-”

“He is my intern Y/N.” Tony stated.

“No, wait. Who? What? When? Where? Why?”

“Okay now you’re just saying the 5 W’s.”

“This is me trying to process what you just said Tony!”

“You don’t have to make a big deal out of it.”

“Just tell me what happened.”

“Fine, I’d seen a video on the YouTube- or whatever they call it- of the academic decathlon video of Peter, who I didn’t know at the time, was really intelligent. Smart enough to work for me, so one day I looked up where he lives to offer him an internship, met his really yet strangely attractive aunt, and the rest is history.” Tony lied.

“And I just so happen to attend the same school as him.” You gave Tony an incredulous look while standing against a table with your arms folded.

“Yes, that is purely coincidental. Happy now?”

“Whatever.” You huff.

“Good, now if you’re done-”

“Nope, I have one more question.”

“Then spill the beans missy, this little Iron Man has to work.”

“Can I got to Washington D.C. for the academic decathlon national championship?”

“That’s a joke right?”

“Tony! I’m not joking please the team said they needed me, and with Peter not going whose probably one of the best on the team, I need to go. My team needs me.”

“Well another team needs you as well.” You glare at Tony.

“Don’t give me that crap Tony! I haven’t been on the field before why would I be on now? What would there be terrorizing another city? Little goblins gnawing on people’s big toe!?!” You state raising your voice.

“I said no, end of discussion.”

“Fine.” You stand up straight and stormed out of his lab, slamming the door behind you. Instead of going the living room, you decided to go straight to your room. You clap your hands to turn on the lights, close the door and flop your body, face first into your bed. You groan loudly and squish your face into the mattress.

“Miss. Y/N are you okay?” F.R.I.D.A.Y asks, and if there was any emotion to her robotic self if would be at this point worry.

“Not really F.R.I.D.A.Y, how do you put up with Tony?”

“I mean I have to… I’m a robot.” You start laughing uncontrollably, making you much more gleeful than before.

“Did that make you happy?”

“I guess it did, I am still upset though.”

“Why not train or work out to relieve your stress.”

“Love to but I just remembered I have homework to do, yay. Maybe after I will.”

“That sounds like a good idea Miss. Y/N.”

Tags:

@allison0609 @lupinlys @graysonmalfoy @rosaetum 

[zoeygreensimblr]

Wildest Dreams (episode 4)

In the harsh light of day the weight of the night before is setting in.  My mouth is super dry, my head is pounding and I'm having flashbacks, hot flashbacks but it's hard to concentrate on them with the pain.

I can here a conversation going on, I guess Angus finally got that FaceTime call from his sister. I can hear his end clearly but her replies come through muffled. I focus in on what he is saying and I realise they're talking about me.

"No Immie, Im not going to give you her name"

muffled reply

"you know exactly why, you'd look her up on simstergram and stalk her profile, trust me, you'll  meet her when the time is right, I just don't need my big sister scaring her off"

I get up and move closer to the door, I've never been the kind who listens in on private conversation but considering Im the subject matter I can't stop.

"Look Immie, it's more than likely that she's going to wake up and pretend nothing happened again, just like she did on Thursday."

"Give her time Gus, If she's as sweet as you say she is I'm sure she's worth the effort" Imogen assure him.

Am I worth the effort?

Angus ends his call and I can now hear a blender stopping and starting. Time to venture out of the room. He's standing in his kitchen dressed only in shorts and it's freezing.

"Morning" he says in an upbeat tone, "Did I wake you?"

"No, my hangover woke me, I swear Im never drinking again" I pledge

"Famous last words Miss Green, we've all been there"

"Ah Im sure you never have Mister McKennzie, given that you don't consume carbs"

"I use to be quite a heavy drinker"

"Oh, sorry"

Change the subject Zoey

"what are you concocting in the blender?"

"The worlds best hang over cure"

And he's going to make me drink it!

"Are you not cold, it's freezing Angus"

"I went for a run earlier, sorry, is it making you uncomfortable? I'll go put a shirt on"

Don't think Zoey, just act on impulse, you can do this.

"No, don't" I plead, reaching my hand out to touch his rock hard abs and I don't know which one of us is more shocked. My fingers move slowly up his torso, sweep across his neck and make the way to his mouth, I let my thumb play with his bottom lip and he kisses it softly. He pulls me in closer and brings his lips to mine, I'm anticipating his kiss but he just opens his mouth and asks "Is there a chance that you're still drunk?"

I shake my head, no

He kisses me, lifting me up off the ground.

"Do you have to be home at a certain time today" Angus enquires.

"No but I do have homework I need to do at some stage this weekend so I will need to get our bags from your office" I reply

"You mean those bags" He asks, pointing to the corner where he's carefully placed both my school bag and Tess' too.

"What do you have planned Angus?"

"I was thinking we could drive up the coast to Sulani, I know it's winter but there some great spots to grab lunch on the Island"

"How do you get to the Island  though?"

"Ferryboat from New Crest" He informs me

"Im in"

I check my phone in the car and I'm surprised to see that I only had 2 missed calls, one from home and the other from Tess. That's very unlike Tess, usually she would just keep calling until I picked up, her record was 35 calls in the space of an hour. I call home first and my mother answers.

"Hi Zoey"

"Hi Mum"

"I called before to see if you'll be home for dinner tonight and if Angus would be joining you?"

"How did you know I was with Angus?" I asked, thinking Tess must of ratted me out

"Oh, He called us last night, said you had passed out drunk on his couch and he had put you in his sisters bed. Lovely boy he is, we had a long chat too"

I shoot Angus a look and he just smiles, keeping his eyes on the road.

"So, Im not in trouble?" I ask mum

"Why would you be in trouble, we know you're safe and not lying in a ditch somewhere, plus you're our good girl, we know we don't need to worry about you, unlike Tess"

When I hang up the phone my head is filled with so many questions, like what did they chat about.

"We talked about you Zoey, how you're going to University next year and you're hoping to study medicine" Angus informs me, like he's reading my thoughts, "I didn't know you wanted to become a doctor?" he continues

"My parents want me to become a doctor and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind studying medicine, my marks are high enough to get in too but I wouldn't mind becoming a vet either, I love animals, especially dogs" I explain

"You should do what makes you happy Zoey"

I wish it was that simple though.

The ferry ride from New Crest to Sulani takes about 40 minutes, the water is choppy and the wind is blowing a gail but Angus holds onto me tightly the whole way.

"This place is beautiful" I say when we arrive, the water is crystal clear and the sand is pure white.

"Yeah it is, I come up here a lot in Summer, we have a house on the beach and locals are so accommodating"

"I need to ask a question and I apologise is advance if it comes out rude but you're 22, how do you own so much property, it's like you hit the motherlode" I ask and he laughs

"Immie was a world renowned scientist. she invented a cloning machine, among other things, made Billions from it, retired at 32 and now travels the world, she comes home in the warmer months, helps me out with the gym but mostly she leaves me in charge of making the big decisions, I've got creative control over everything" He explains.

We walk to The Sand Bar, a small bar with a food stall out front. We put our orders in and find a wicker cane lounge to sit on.

"Ok Zoey, I think it's my turn to ask the personal question" he says, I can hear the reservation in his voice but still he pushes on, "You've talked to me non stop about your relationship with Tess and I've met your Mother and Step Father, who you also seem to be really close to but you've not once mentioned your actual father"

It was a painful subject, a wound that had never healed. I can feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes.

"Oh fuck, Zo, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, it's none of my business, forget I've asked. Shit, I wanted to have the best first date with you and now I've ruined it and made you cry." He comforts me, wiping my tears away with a napkin

"It's ok" I assure him, "I cry when I'm angry, I'm not angry at you or that you asked, please don't think that. I'm angry because our father abandoned us, left my mother with nothing, alone to raise to two children on her own. Tess and I were only 10 and he just didn't come home, he moved to Oasis Spings with his girlfriend, Eliza Pancakes and they started a new family together, we never heard from him again"

"Im so sorry Zoey, what a prick, you're poor mother and you girls" He exclaims, shocked

"There were some pretty dark times, bills went unpaid and our power was shut off a few times but Ruth got us through it, she took a job as the hostess at Chez Llama and worked really hard to make sure we had everything we needed. That's where she met Don too, he was head chef. They married about a year later and we moved to Brindleton Bay." I explain

"Imogen tells me that Don Lothario was a bit of a playboy in his younger days at Riverview High. Your mother has done a great job taming him" He laughs and I do too

"You wouldn't even know he once had a wild side, he's so devoted to Mum and is more of father to Tess and I than our biological father ever was"

On the drive home from New Crest I receive a call from Tess.

"Where are you? Im bored and have no-one to talk to" she cries

"I'm about an hour away, I'll be there soon, I promise. I just remembered, I forgot to call you back too, I'm the worst sister in the whole world" I laugh

"You so are Zoey, You get a boyfriend and forget all about me, the real love of your life. Nah, it's all good, I called Angus, I knew you were safe" she assures me.

BOYFRIEND? What? I hadn't thought about that label, it was all too new, I hadn't even had a chance to debrief with Tess. I can feel my breathing starting to become more rapid

"I gotta go...see you soon T"

"I'm pulling over Zoey, just hold on" Angus cries, anticipating my oncoming panic attack.

As soon as the car has safely come to a stop I jump out. The cool evening air hitting my hot cheeks. The attack takes about a minute or two to pass but the shame and embarrassment sticks around.

"Im going to kill your sister" He announces

"It's not her fault, she just has no filter sometimes and get excited" I explain

"I was going to ask you, I just couldn't find the right moment today" He rambles

"Ask me what?" Now Im confused

"To be my Girlfriend, to make this offical, I know it's sudden but I'm not the type to be out there dating multiple girls all at once. I want to be committed to just one girl, to you Zoey, I want you to be my girl?" He asks, sheepishly

"I've never been a Girlfriend before though" I explain

"It's not like applying for a job at the barista house Zoey, you don't really need previous experience"

"I know Angus but look at me? Normal girls get excited about moments like this, I have a panic attack"

He takes me by the hands and looks me deep in the eye

"Zoey Green, would you do me the honour of becoming my Girlfriend"

Don't overthink it Zoey

"Yes, Angus McKennzie"

He picks me up, spins me around and plants a kiss on me.