#the tl;dr was back then my girl wanted Actual Emotional Connection so badly and found it in the worst places

[bhaalschosen]

PLEASE talk about Sloane and her relationship with the other Chosen, I’m very curious 👁️👄👁️

i couldn't answer this yesterday because i was at work but. now i am here and i shall

so with gortash:

she had a weirdly functional dynamic with him. i will not call it healthy (they were both evil, and they did nothing to change that, and they enabled each other really bad) or romantic (they were evil friends with benefits, i'd say) but. she liked that he treated her like a person to work with, co-conspirator and such, and a human rather than a monster or an object of worship. so she afforded him that same courtesy. they were very much equal footing big bads who had a weirdly emotional connection because they were both extremely fucked up and bad in similar ways. they trusted each other too, weirdly.

playful banter where he tells her that he wants to vivisect her and how he'd do it and she tells him which of his organs she'd like to eat and in what order. like that sort of thing. these were not threats they were flirtatious.

the thesis statement of this relationship back then was sort of. hold on i have a post for it. here it is. and this one. and this one. and this sorta thing.

he let The Dark Urge, Daughter of the Lord of Murder and leader of the Cult of Bhaal, shave his face with a straight razor, which is boldness so great that it perhaps equates to madness.

she writes about him in her fucked up evil diary.

all of this effect how she feels post-amnesia when they eventually kill him SO STRONGLY. someday ill write a post about that. tl;dr version though is that her main thought at the time is 'god in another life i would have also been dying here'

and Ketheric:

The most telling thing I can say about this dynamic is that when they brought Isobel back she got jealous about it. And no, if you asked her why she was acting like that she would not have been able to explain it to you. But she had some feelings about the whole thing.

Spent a lot of time at Moonrise together and I think they had a slightly more fraught dynamic because unlike Gortash, Ketheric liked her but he did not actually trust her. She didn't trust him either but she was weirdly attached to him anyway.

He did find her nice to spend time with and she liked how like. Unexpectedly considerate he was occasionally. He actually kept in mind things she'd want or find interesting and let her to a lot of the bloodier work because he knew she'd enjoy it. It was a sort of treatment she was not used to getting.

this but so deep in her subconscious that she doesn't realize that's how she feels about it and ketheric didn't really consciously get the vibe either or it would have made him uncomfortable.

sloane is not super affectionate on a good day but she liked to do that thing with him where she'd sit in the corner of his room while he was working, doing some mundane task like stitching up a hole in her jacket or whatever, not interacting with him but sharing the space. like a cat.

+ Someday I'll write up a big post about Orin the Red because I think Sloane and Orin's relationship is the most complicated of the three and because y'know, Orin wasn't a part of The Trio back then. And because I have backstory for them that I wrote, where they had more of a childhood together.

Orin has always felt to a degree like her ghost, or her shadow. They have a sort of duality and also a weird familiar relationship. They cared about each other and they also resented each other. Someday I'll organize my thoughts about it. Check out the pinterest section for them, though.

[helena-thessaloniki]

Hi Helena! Big fan of your writing here🥺♥️ Your rivamika fics are my safe space 😭 (if you have time to answer) i’d love to know when you first started shipping them, why, and what made you continue to love this ship (or anything else to do with your journey as an RM shipper)? i love your characterisation of both levi and mikasa individually, but even more so, your portrayal of their dynamic as a couple, which is why i wanted to ask so badly ☺️ x

Hey anon! Oh woah, first of all, thank you so much. Second of all, oh god, you probably shouldn't have handed me the mic. heh 😅

I’m afraid to look at the word count of this response, I’m sure it’s much more than you bargained for, but I appreciate the question and enjoyed thinking through my response (: Most importantly, I’m so glad you find my stories as a safe space. It’s really an honor. Thank you for sharing with me 🖤🖤

TL; DR As a longtime reader, writer and lover of stories and story-telling, by being someone who pays attention to how stories are crafted and deliberately developed from beginning to end, I sincerely thought Isayama was setting up rivamika as an endgame relationship. So, I read into and interpreted meaning out of ALL their interactions and became deeply invested.

I don’t necessarily ship them cause of the parallels, age gap, enemies to lover trope, height difference, or some of those common reasons and/or kinks. I’m more basic and boring than that. I love the concept of them coming together as though it’s inevitable.

They both are unbelievably strong, selfless, and have suffered so much loss— so, no one else could truly understand them as well as they can understand each other. They both probably would have always settled for a stable, simple life, and been alone and lonely even without realizing it— instead, they find each other, and realize what it means to actually no longer be alone, to do more than just survive. It’s this understated bond, as opposed to a dramatic and passionate romance, that I envision in them and that I love so much.

Then, the passion, heat, the romantic "spark"— I think that’s an added bonus, the cherry on top, the perfect final puzzle piece. They’re both so physically capable, can speak through their actions, and don’t show much need or capacity for emotional/ verbal communication, so the ability to connect with each other through physical intimacy and mind-blowing sex seems like another given.

Still, at the end of the day, for me it comes back to their ability to fully depend on each other, to the inevitability. Not like some soulmate trope where they 'have no choice' in it, but like the stars aligned to prove it's right. How each of them have only one other person on the whole planet who could see and understand them, to be on par with them, to make them realize there’s more to life than settling and surviving, and they happen to find it in each other.

You asked, I rambled 😅 Here’s a breakdown of my thought process in my rivamika journey. For those who make it to the end or want to skip to the end, I'll finish with the excerpt of the very first rivamika scene I felt compelled to to write.

I've tried before to re-watch and remember the exact scenes, exact moments, that initially captured my full attention, but I guess it was all of them, the gradual and cumulative compilation of their earliest interactions.

Mikasa always appearing cool and indifferent, and paying no attention whatsoever to others fawning over, like Jean initially falling for her, but then her strongly reacting over Levi in the courtroom showed how uniquely capable he was at getting under her skin.

Of course, the scene in the forest chasing the Female Titan was a critical one. I think of that as the first time both Levi and Mikasa were truly able to see the other's strength, mental and physical. And for them, orphans and trauma survivors who have suffered extensive loss, I think that seeing strength in another person made them feel less alone. Less alone in a deep, quiet but cataclysm, life-altering sort of way, even if not a romantic one. Like they didn't know it was something they didn't have, something they didn't expect to get from life, but then found it with each other.

(Even when we found out Levi was an Ackerman, I was disappointed if it meant they were immediate relatives, but willing to accept it wouldn't be a romantic end to loneliness, it would be a familial end to loneliness. But... the author never explored that. Not once.)

In that forest scene, manga and anime, the way that Levi pauses to really look and see Mikasa and think about who she is, what she’s gone through, and how strong and dedicated she is now— that was a defining moment. It was also a visual demonstration of Levi breaking character, from aloof and ruthless, to considering and curious. I thought Yams was showing both of them do that on purpose.

Then, Levi getting hurt because of Mikasa in that scene felt like another clue. Sure, it was while saving Eren, and sure, it could have been meant to humanize super-soldier Levi, or sure, it could have been another aspect of how Mikasa rushing into things over Eren ends up hurting other people that later changes in her character development, but it felt like a very pointed statement about Mikasa being a vulnerability for Levi. And that's swoon-worthy, right? Most of us have been exposed to and conditioned by stories about how special and romantic it is to be the one and only girl who can make an otherwise disinterested or unattainable guy actually pay attention to her, and so admittedly I fall right for it.

I’m sure I’m forgetting plenty, but the opening of season 3 felt like confirmation. When Levi figures out Kenny's behind things and entrusts Mikasa with instructions to share with the others, instructions about fighting people instead of titans that ultimately everyone else besides her struggles with, and when Mikasa lets Levi hold her back from chasing after Eren, her most important way of trusting and having faith in Levi, I honestly took that as cues from the author that rivamika was endgame. I let myself get truly invested from then on. That’s that understated bond I was referring to. To me, that unspoken but undeniable trust is the most important dynamic.

Seeing them fight together or fight similarly has always been fun and powerful and fulfilling.

I'm newer to the snk club. I was originally an anime-only fan and started watching in fall 2019, I think. I wasn't on tumblr, twitter, or anything else to see fandom discourse. So, I didn't know that the rooftop scene of Mikasa fighting Levi over the serum was such a staple for our ship until much later. I love the scene just like many do for all the reasons we do, but I don't think the actual scene was pivotal for me, so much as it's aftermath. I thought it represented two things.

One, it was an important marker in Levi's characterization. Hands-down one of the most striking scenes to me is the one where Levi is in the alley, somber and alone, listening in on Eren, Armin, and Mikasa talking together. It artfully shows his longing for hope and connection. So, when Levi chose Armin for the serum, that represented Levi choosing hope. And when Mikasa ultimately gave up fighting Levi and didn't choose Armin, which Armin finds out about later on, I see that as an important marker in Mikasa's development. It puts a wedge between her and Armin/Eren [Armin, because he knows she would have let him die, and Eren, because Armin is too special to him and he couldn't look at her the same way after realizing she would have let him die]. That distance between her and her childhood friends is one I don't think could ever be healed completely, one of those painful lessons in growing up. By doing that, it then also puts a distance in Mikasa's own childhood self to her current self. I thought that matured her and separated her out in a way that was another clue toward eventual rivamika developments.

That's a whole other conversation on Mikasa, but I’ll stay on track. Her love for Armin was absolutely authentic and fierce, but at the end of the day, at the core of her being, she chose survival over hope. Meanwhile, Levi chose hope over survival. To me, that was soft, fertile ground for the reasons why eventually, if/when Mikasa found hope and chose hope, that could directly tie together with her inevitably in coming together with Levi. Again, less butterflies and fireworks, but more natural and in a way that was just a given.

I wrote Beyond the Walls before reading the manga from the Marley Arc and on, so that's why most of that story is her journey into embracing that hope. *manga spoilers* There's a lot of meta, criticism and talk about Mikasa's silent, off-screen and subtle style of character development in the Marley Arc and afterward. I won't go down that road, I'm still processing the end of the manga to be honest, but I think it's fair to say she does eventually end up choosing hope over survival when she lets go of Eren and saves humanity instead. I love the “Stay with Me” line and think it’s perfect; a simple but profound display of trust and their deep-rooted bond in a really understated way. *end manga spoilers*

Here's something I always wanted to talk about in full but haven't. It honestly reads to me like Yams was building toward rivamika, and didn’t do anything to stop that until too late. There are tools authors can use to ensure we stop shipping a pair or start shipping a new one; love triangles are commonly used in every artistic medium and we’ve all been persuaded by these tools. But Yams didn’t use these tools to make sure readers didn’t feel convinced by rivamika. For all the reasons I listed above, more I'm forgetting, and for the following:

If he wanted us to think they were family and it would be incest, he should have added in a conversation between them realizing they were (close) family and that they weren't the only ones left in their biological family like they thought. But he didn't.

If he wanted us to think it was completely inappropriate between a child-and-adult and student-and-teacher, then he could have done something to ensure Mikasa looked childish or Levi looked older, but no. They barely look ten years apart. I do think it's unacceptable and that there's a power imbalance between a child-and-adult relationship regardless of that, and that there can't be true consent when one is a superior and another a subordinate, so I personally age-up Mikasa in my head and try to handle his position of power responsibly in my writings... but the point being, by the end of canon, there's no inappropriate or non-consensual romance between them, yet there's a lot of history and chemistry that could naturally lead to an age-appropriate and consensual relationship. If Yams didn't want us to think so, he could have made it more clear that there were reasons it wouldn't happen.

The only thing that makes sense to me is the author planned on rivamika endgame but was shamed/pressured out of it (either internally or due to others) OR that the author somehow accidentally created such vibrant chemistry and an incredible dynamic between them. Like, he didn't put enough convincing substance of eremika in, didn't make Levi look old enough, didn’t have one of them do something unforgivable in the other’s eyes, etc. Those are some of those tools he could have used. Romance was never a key component in snk. And since we now know Yams planned or needed eremika endgame for sake of plot and the conclusion of the manga, I personally think he didn't know what to do with the riveting rivamika substance and chemistry being much more convincing to readers. Once he had them so well built-up, maybe the only option he felt he had was to just stop putting the characters together. We get little-to-no rivamika interaction, platonic or practical, after season 3 all the way up until the very end. But there was so much of it beforehand ?? So, it simply doesn't make sense. I think the author just straight-up cut any and all interactions out between them because it was too convincing and moving, more convincing and substantial than eremika. But, as the end of canon shows, we needed to have some eremika buy-in. It's messy writing and unskilled in the romance department, but considering for how long and how complicated snk has been in a creative process and how lackluster the eremika romance (the main and apparently pivotal romance) is developed, I think it’s plausible to say the author effed up.

As far as writing fanfiction goes, there's just so much room to explore them. In canon, we aren't given enough insight into their individual perspectives, let alone their dynamic together, so it feels like a blank canvas to work from. I think that's part of why I love to write them, and also why I don't necessarily read much of them. When I first started shipping them while watching the anime, I read a few of the classics that were canon-verse, but I haven’t really read much since. For me, exploring and discovering them as a writer is the most fun. (It's one of the reasons Naruto and Harry Potter have such large fanfiction collections. There's so much world-building and so many characters, but there's also so much left to the imagination.)

In general, I'm drawn to strong characters, especially women, who are multidimensional enough to be real, vulnerable and soft. Mikasa is the pinnacle of that. I don’t necessarily like to write about her love or infatuation with Eren, but I do respect and admire and consider it integral to her character and her amazing capacity to love. We can have strong, kickass women who falter when it comes to love but are still considered strong for it. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive and Mikasa is a beautiful example of that.

And Levi is strong, but real and vulnerable too; he’s honestly a fantastically developed character, from Petra explaining to Eren in the beginning how he’s not the amazing hero he’s painted to be to the public, to how Levi genuinely cares for Erwin and others and chooses hope despite all he’s suffered.

The end of the manga wrecked me a bit. Kind of like Games of Thrones. You have something that was so epic and well-done for so long, a rushed ending that isn't immediately sensical and isn't fulfilling is hard to stomach. Eventually, I'll move on from the denial of that and process what I think and feel about it. The whole reason we have fanfiction is to expand on canon, but it's made me put rivamika on the back burner until I figure it out. So I'm a little less hyper-fixated on the pairing right now even though interacting with you all and asks like this remind me what brought me here in the first place. 😊

To conclude, I’ll share that the very first rivamika content I wrote was a compilation of moments I thought could be inserted into season 3. These are still moments I plan to edit and publish one day. For anyone that actually read this far, I’ll put a rough and unedited excerpt of the first scene I ever wrote about them.

Thank you again anon 🖤😊

BEGIN EXCERPT [after the rooftop fight for the serum, immediately following the ceremony where Eren touched Historia by kissing her hand]:

Part of her was embarrassed at such a flagrant act of disobedience to a superior, especially to one who saved her and countless others' lives in the past. But mostly, she was anguished by the situation Captain Levi put her in once he revoked the serum meant to save Armin and planned to use it on Commander Erwin instead. Her current ostracization and self-loathing was not entirely her own fault. Anger she felt toward herself was just as easy to wield against him.

It must have shown in the grit of her teeth or defiant tone, because he turned to look at her, more aloof than curious.

Like a flint struck to steel, it ignited the fury she felt toward him.

“I shouldn’t have hesitated. I should have just killed you,” she answered him at last, piercing him with eyes darker than the night.

He wasn’t concerned. “You’re good, but not that good.”

Her hands fell to her side, fists clenched as she stood with a single, fluid movement. Before she could let loose a threat, he sighed.

“What’s the problem, Ackerman?” He was dismissive, his shoulders relaxed and posture loose.

The fire too furious to contain, she went sailing for him with the same speed from the battlefield. Her fingers already curled, she tightened her grasp as she swung her fist into his gods-damned apathetic face.

Levi wasn’t unprepared. He easily side-stepped her, then snatched her wrist to steal her momentum. Though he tried to toss her aside, she was no less fast; Mikasa dug her heel in and spun, her other arm shoving hard into his chest.

Too graceful to stumble, Levi used the chance to hook her second arm too. He caged both her wrists in a grip so strong, she was sure it bruised her bones. Still, he only looked at her warily, almost bored.

“Shouldn’t you be grateful? I chose Armin.” If his reminder was meant to ease her anger, it had the opposite effect.

Fury and desperation gifted her additional strength. She shoved into his chest hard. Levi shifted backward, nearly forced into loosening his grip; within that split second of an opening, Mikasa slammed her elbow into his chin, rocking his head backward.

“You did,” she seethed, but as fast as the fire inside her exploded, it was doused. Her next words came out broken and damp. “But I didn’t.”

Levi remained stern and otherwise unmoving as he attempted to flex his jaw through the spasm of pain. As the momentum of the fight died down, he loosened his hold on her wrists and evaluated her distraught frame.

Mikasa immediately released her own hands and turned away from him, eyes stinging from tears she refused to shed as she focused on the stars ahead. Admitting the harsh words aloud hurt her far more than any injury she could inflict onto him.

Not only was Armin one of the only friends she had, but he’d been a steadfast one throughout almost all she could remember of her life. After the trauma of her childhood, it was Eren and Armin who embraced her, whom she learned to love. Now, though, there was a wedge between her and Armin she was not sure could ever be removed. What was worse, as deplorable and selfish as she knew it proved her to be, was the painful wedge it now put between her and Eren too.

Once again, she found Levi standing at the peripheral of her sight, close enough to see but far enough to be a blur at the edge of her watery vision.

“You almost killed me.” Levi repeated his earlier words, but he said them with an odd bite, torn between frustration and patience. “You would have killed me to save him.”

Too late, Mikasa realized he hadn’t meant these words as an accusation, but an odd form of validation. She bit her bottom lip, teeth puncturing too hard; the tang of metal was sharp on her tongue when she swallowed blood.

“You thought about letting your closest friend die,” Levi said quietly, tiredly. “But I did let mine die. I left him for dead, when I could have saved him.”

Mikasa was startled from her selfish reverie, for the first time acknowledging the sacrifice he made on that fateful afternoon. She’d been too absorbed in her own relief, and then, her own regrets to consider what the decision had done to him.

For a brief moment, she considered turning to face him, but the stark reality of the matter made her refrain. How could she feel pity for his loss, when his loss enabled her gain? An uncomfortable knot tightened in her stomach.

“Tch,” Levi sighed. He was only one notch less taciturn, but for him, that was soft. “You’ll live with your guilt, and I’ll live with mine.”

His words granted Mikasa’s tears the permission to spill. She buried her face further into her scarf, both hands trembling at the worn threads. As quietly as he arrived onto the roof, Levi disappeared from it.

.

.

It was rare for him to indulge in alcohol or celebrations, but Erwin’s absence felt more tangible than his presence ever did. Levi distracted himself with the chaos of the few remaining Scouts that Erwin had died entrusting his legacy to, and attempted to drown the pain with whatever drink Connie Springer shoved into his hands.

He found Hanji with their ale long-forgotten about on the table as they half-stood from their seat, frantic while explaining some morbid experiment in great, vivid detail to an unsuspecting and slightly horrified MP officer.

Though Levi wordlessly took the seat beside them, Hanji paused their rant to slap him hard on the back, an enthusiastic greeting flying from their drunken lips. The MP took this chance to excuse himself, a pathetic attempt at politeness, but Hanji either didn’t care or didn’t notice.

“Ah, Levi,” they smiled at his drink, though it didn’t entirely reach their one eye. “Where you been?”

Levi didn’t answer. “You know, shitty-glasses, you’re even more unbearable about your experiments when you’re drunk.”

Hanji waved dismissively and reached for their ale. Years spent in battle and command together had gifted both of them with an eased familiarity, and sometimes, genuine friendship. In the same manner he ignored their question, Hanji ignored his lack of response and went on with their original inquiry.

“Careful, Captain,” Hanji warned lightly. “Now that there’s far fewer Scouts, you having a favorite might cause some division.”

Even though Hanji meant the words, there was a glint of mischief that twinkled in their remaining eye.

“It’s not favoritism,” Levi countered bluntly, turning his vision toward the young man on the far side of the room. “Eren is simply the best chance that we have in this war.”

Hanji laughed as if he’d made a joke and Levi looked back to stare at them, unable to be surprised at their quirks or oddities any longer, but still a touch curious about what spurned this current demonstration.

“I wasn’t talking about Eren,” Hanji said at last, a pointed nod toward his injured chin.

Levi blinked. He didn’t realize he was nursing his injury with the hand not on his drink. As though it were too hot to touch, Levi dropped his hand.

Hanji was not judgmental, nor inquisitive. In a war-torn life of losing too many cadets entrusted to him, the fact that Levi found a soldier with the strength and skill to remain safe was not only rare, but worth special attention. Still, it made him too lenient.

“Sometimes I think you’d let her get away with murder,” Hanji chided halfheartedly.

When he thought of Erwin dead in his grasp, sometimes he wasn’t sure if he already had.

[cosmokyrin]

Hello there! I absolutely adore your Nuts'N Dolts art and how you portray them! If you don't mind me asking as a fellow fan, what is it you like/enjoy about the ship or thier characters in general?

First and foremost omg thank you so much!! ; A ; I’m glad you enjoy it. I just love them waaaaaay too much rn

For your question though, my brain automatically latched to answer this with a......... LONG POST

sorry i just have so many jsdjfsjfjs feelings for Nuts and Dolts right now, that I’m probably gonna ramble and be incomprehensible as fuck

this is something I’ve said over Discord servers though so bear with me

TL;DR if you don’t wanna check under the cut: Penny and Ruby are highly independent and are in the best positions to understand the struggles of one another. They share similar burdens, both are givers who forget themselves in the process, but they mutually support and love one another (whether as friends or more) which sort of replenishes their self-love and intensifies their relationship. Also I didn’t include, but they’re fucking wholesome and cute upfront.

I just really find their relationship so perfect. I mean, I’ve never seen such a pair that fits just damn right. It may be that I’m also a friends-to-lovers trope trash, but honestly it’s just that, when you look at the whole story, there’s so much backing for their relationship whether you like them platonic or romantic.

I took very long to actually ship Nuts and Dolts because they really gave off platonic vibes in the beginning, like the “I’ll support you as my best friend” vibes all the way. (Though I have to admit, looking back at the V3 talk between Penny and Ruby (after Penny vs CRDL fight), that seems to imply something else now lol) And also I personally haven’t found their differences in V1-V3, that is, until, RWBY Chibi (yes, the Fireflies episode lmfao). Then it was accentuated by V7. Suddenly Ruby and Penny’s mannerisms are far from each other. Idk how to explain it, but it’s there. They’re similar in many ways (both give me introverted vibes, both are thoughtful), but diverge in several ways, too (Ruby is more suppressed with emotion and Penny is more open about it). If these two were going to talk more about the same issue as V8E3 (regarding what Penny should do), I could actually see them arguing about it.

The other thing is their positions in each other’s life is pretty remarkable. Alexkablob (here on Tumblr) already said this before but yes, Penny seems like an outlier in her relationship with Ruby, and so is Ruby in regards to who surrounds Penny.

Just this evening I literally had a shower thought on why their relationship works -- it’s because I could perceive them as equal in many ways. Both of them have large responsibilities that I think only they are in the position to understand each other. Ruby is the leader of this group of Huntspeople whose actions could affect the fate of Remnant itself. That’s heavy. Penny, on the other hand, is this girl who simply wanted to become the Protector of Mantle but now her decisions and her responsibility could either save or destroy Atlas / Mantle and much more than that, if she fails at her current mission. They’re both lonely heroes who bear the weight of the world, I believe, much more than anyone else really.

A fellow server member said it: Ruby and Penny are both givers; they barely have any left for themselves.

Ruby is a leader. If anything, being a leader is lonely. Because everyone actually depends on you, whether that’s implicit or explicit. Being a leader means a lot of people look up to you to be at your best. And Ruby, we know Ruby. She gives love to everyone; she cares about everyone. She’s literally the shining beacon of Remnant. But what happens when her confidence is not enough? What happens when she begins to doubt herself?

Story-wise, there’s that one person outside her team, outside her family, who shares the same burdens as she does, and is not in any way connected to her other than a strong friendship bond -- Penny. Ruby is not Penny’s leader. Penny leads herself, even dangerously at times because that’s what she thinks is right. In a way, both Ruby and Penny are leaders.

Both are highly independent of one another, yet, they could become interdependent if they need to.

Penny is in the best position to understand what Ruby is going through. She’s in the right position to give Ruby the same thing they both can’t give themselves -- love. Or care, if you want a lighter term. But it isn’t just any kind of love / care -- it’s that love they need so badly -- love for themselves, but when they’re with one another, that’s something they could actually bring out easy. They spend all their love giving it to the world, they hardly have any left for them -- but then, their relationship with each other replenishes that. It’s mutual. The way they want to protect and support each other -- it’s splayed across V7 and condensed in the first three episodes of V8.

It’s also interesting to note that Penny is the first person to return to Ruby after losing her (compared to Pyrrha and Summer). Looking at Ruby’s history, that’s like some miraculous ray of hope that comes during dark times (and it doesn’t help that I’ve overanalyzed that in the V7 opening, the lyrics in Penny’s appearance is “Through love your power just shines” and the way Penny turns like she’s someone you wanted to meet again after a long time???). She becomes this hope for Ruby that everything can be better, that Penny won’t leave again. And the way V8 is playing on this just outright makes me both excited and anxious lmao. No doubt Ruby and Penny’s arcs are heavily tied to the plot, especially their relationship.

AND YEA LOL THAT WAS A LOOONG POST BUT I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT THERE

[intpstyle]

Detective Conan Meta: Trauma, being seen & the Inner Child

Okay, so it’s 6AM and I woke up with this essay half-formed in my mind and I need to talk about DC. Yesterday, I saw a quote on tumblr that read

“to be loved is to be seen”

and it literally haunted my dreams. I dreamt of Shinichi being unable to tell Ran who he is for so long now (we won’t go into the half a year debate (in this post)) and it got me thinking about the unbearable loneliness of it all. Then I thought of Heiji and of how liberating it must be for Shinichi that some people do know him for who he really is - that some people see him, that some people are able to love him, all of him, because they’ve recognised him even when he looks like a child. And that got a chain reaction of symbolism going in my brain because THINK ABOUT IT, Shinichi is literally forced to live as his own inner child.

So, we open with this lovably weird 17-year-old (fuck no, in the manga he’s actually only 16) with barely any survival skills who’s been left alone in a huge mansion because his parents went adios, who doesn’t have a whole lot of close friends because he always found it difficult to connect with others because he’s so focussed on his detective work and who, when he finally manages to ask the love of his life out on a date and inevitably stumbles over another murder, claims that “you get used to it”, that corpses don’t affect him, that nothing really affects him and, worst of all, he actually means it. This is our protagonist. He’s All Grown Up. He always tried to be All Grown Up. Frankly, with parents like these, he always had to be All Grown Up. And it’s okay! Because he found something he loves doing (finding the truth, restoring justice, helping people) and he’s good at it and people actually love him for it (look at all these fan letters, Ran, look at them!)

And then Ran (bless you, angel child) starts crying because - because so many reasons. One, she’s still affected by what happened. Two, she sees the love of her life being strong - and he always has and had to be strong; it must be so bloody exhausting and he’s not even aware of how tired he is, but to ask him to take a break, to take a look at what all this death and suffering and loneliness really means, to take it in, to stop, would be to take the one thing away (apart from her, but she doesn’t know that) that keeps him stable and grounded and to risk having him fall apart. I don’t think she knows this consciously, but Ran is empathetic and has been around Shinichi all her life - this, I think, is the moment it really hits her that this brutality (a literal decapitated corpse that spews blood like a fountain on a roller coaster!!!) has become her best friend’s “normal”. She is scared. She is worried. And she shows it.

And then Shinichi (bless you, cool child) tries to play it down, to make her feel better, to show her that this is nothing to despair over. He, too, is trying to be considerate of this incredible girl who always takes on other people’s burdens and their pain and grins and bears it. But it isn’t all compassion - he frankly also does not have the tools to deal with someone being so vulnerable and innocent and, dare I say?, child-like. And what does he do? Does he stay and engage with her side of things? Does he hear her out and consider that he HAS become callous and somewhat addicted to shedding light on the dark sides of other people? That he feels uncomfortable feeling the light turned back on himself? No! No, of course not! He’s 16 and has the emotional range of a tea spoon (#relatable). Instead, he latches onto the next sign of mystery and turns back to his quest for truth where he feels safe and needed. He LITERALLY tells Ran to “go ahead” and that he’ll “catch up” and boy, will he ever (emotionally).

We all know what happens next: he bites off more than he can chew. He stumbles over a case that even he admits is “serious” and is LITERALLY hit over the head with the realisation that this - socio-economic corruption, systemic criminal organisations, being vulnerable and opening up to a loved one - is the world of adults and he is NOT ready for it. So he, like everybody else, is given the choice to call it quits or to choose life, start over and re-learn the things he missed out in childhood to become an adult. He becomes his inner child again (the first chapter literally ends with the dialogue

“You okay!? Can you stand up, little boy?”

“Huh?”

and he’s trying. He’s trying to stand up, okay?) and it smarts. In this old/new form, he is taken care of, but not taken taken seriously by the policemen (”You must’ve been scared”) and it freaks him out that they treat him (the master detective!) like a child again. At this height, he fails to get into his own house (some more symbolism right there) and he is not recognised by Professor Agasa until he shows him some impressive deduction work, demonstrating that this really is at the core of his character - he enjoys and is good at mysteries. That was never the problem. Neglecting just about everything else was (- the same goes for OG Holmes, I’d argue). Seeing how the situation he went through literally (damn that’s a lot of literally) turned Shinichi back into a child, Professor Agasa warns him not to inflict the same traumatic damage on others - especially since the situation is not yet resolved. (...but Agasa’s involvement is another can of worms)

There’s a whole other post in Shinichi’s choice to call himself “Conan Edogawa” and wearing his father’s glasses as well (aka trying to redefine his identity by viewing the world through the lense of the people he admired (notably his father’s frames without the lenses though!)), but the most interesting thing happens when Ran shows up. He tries, desperately, not to be recognised - not to be seen - by her in this form because it’s not HIM (it is though) and because it would involve Ran in danger; would put her in the adult world he couldn’t deal with and couldn’t protect her from, thus, ironically, infantilising her and (although in an attempt to be heroic, nonetheless still) limiting her agency.

And this is where the irony really kicks in - because Ran finds it much easier to talk to this raw, vulnerable version of himself that he doesn’t allow her to see as a “grown-up” 16-year-old. It is now, as a child that asks straight-forward questions, that he learns that Ran really does love him and that she knows the good (dependable, brave & cool), as well as the bad (full of himself, bit of a jerk and obsessed with mysteries) sides of him better than he does. At the very moment, he, touched by her vulnerability and wanting to open up, decides to tell her the truth, he is again reminded of the Men in Black by Kogoro falling down the stairs like a sack of potatoes and he (dependable, brave & cool) decides not to involve anyone in the mess he brought upon himself until he can stand up to the world of adulthood that he shrank from.

The beauty of the series is that Shinichi slowly realises, bit by bit, drop by drop, excruciating chapter after excruciating chapter, that the way for him (an INTP) to become an adult is precisely by letting others see him as he is and thus forming lasting, real and dependable relationships (by developing his Fe). This tragically begins with Akemi Miyano (a first step and another reminder that he is not capable enough yet), is slowly built up with the Detective Boys (who are honestly so important for him), continues with Ai (#bestpartners, for both of whom Professor Agasa, the eternal child-inventor, is a safe haven where they can catch up on what they missed out on, Ai obviously much more so than Conan), reaches a really, really sweet high with Heiji (#bestbromance), a rather dissatisfying conclusion with his parents (who, and I cannot stress this enough, decide the best way to convince their traumatised son that his life is in danger is to point a literal gun (okay, it’s a pistol) at his face in disguise) and climaxes with Eisuke Hondo (at which point he is confident enough to proclaim who he is even while still in the form of a child (although that doesn’t make the context of the situation any less stupid (thus proving that he IS still a love-struck teenager at the end of the day))). tl;dr By being both the professional adult “Sleeping Kogoro”, as well as the cooky child “Conan Edogawa” at once, Shinichi can play with both facets of his teenage life until he reaches a level of stability that allows him to integrate the child mind into his adult mind - and that will be the point at which he’ll be able to fully become (not just temporarily play the role of) Shinichi Kudo.

PS: It is also interesting to compare Ai’s and Shinichi’s approaches to being stuck in their childhood selves. Shinichi, not as scarred and slowly building up a network of people he trusts, is eager to move on and begs Ai to give him the temporary antidote as often as he can - he WANTS to grow up and be a grown-up so badly. There is so much (Ran) waiting for him there.

Ai, on the other hand, is much more cautious and warns him not to jump the gun. To her, much more scarred and still rather alone, this is an invaluable second shot at life and she is as careful with it as she humanly can, constantly worrying and on the look-out that someone could drag her back to the prison of responsibilities and obligations. That’s why it was SUCH a pivotal moment for her when she used and realised the use of her adult form when she saved the Detective Boys from the fire. She, too, is slowly connecting the two halves of herself but I suspect that it’ll take her an entire childhood to do so. (Also, interestingly, as an INTJ, she puts down her roots in a very different way from Conan. She cherishes her new relationships and protects them fiercely, but the real signs of her settling down ever-so-slowly is her growing willingness to reconstruct her internal moral system (Fi) and to acquire and find security in material possessions (Se), like her designer handbags and her little football-man-phone-strap.)

[sirenfm]

❛ ✶ ( MAIA MITCHELL, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ) spotted ! LORELEI GUNTHER was spotted singing along to GHOST by AWKWAFINA in hilton grove. you’ve heard of them right ? they are a TWENTY-TWO year old MUSICIAN who has already amassed a net worth of 30M. you should really follow them on insta @STARR, they’re about to hit 6.5M followers. the tabloids have been calling them the ISOLATO because they are known for being + OBSERVANT but also a bit - RECLUSIVE. though most people recognize them by THE RINGS OF SATURN, THE DIZZYING NEON OF THE DANCE FLOOR, SILVER STITCHED INTO WEIGHTLESS CHIFFON & BEING A SUPERNOVA SO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE FORGET YOU’RE A DYING STAR. — ooc info (alys. 22. est. she/her.)

hellooo!!!! woke up this morning to see hilton will probably be opening today so i realized i better write my intro. i’m ally, i have Depression and too much time on my hands, and those are two things i have in common with my muse, lorrie!!!!! she’s like a hannah montana/lady gaga type pop star. pls like this post for me to hyu on discord !! 

(cc/vc: lorde) 

background. (tl;dr at bottom)  

born to a lower class family in boston, ma, into the gunther name which were once great musicians back in austria. her father took this very seriously and so named her brothers after composers (johann and wolfgang) and herself after the siren of the rhine. 

he wanted very badly for them to be successful in music and in life, so lorrie had a lot of pressure from the outset. also, her parents went through a very messy divorce early in life.

she developed severe anxiety by the time she was in first grade, and was diagnosed selectively mute. the only people she would talk to for years were her brother wolfy, and her oma, who lived with them. 

did manage to get some treatment and eventually recovered, mostly thanks to her oma, who taught her how to express herself, mostly through music. 

her oma died two years later, when lorrie was thirteen. since then, she’s basically had a mental breakdown every three months at least. 

even then, she dedicated herself to her music, even though her father had long since given up on her. but johann, while diligent, proved not to have the passion required, while wolfy, who had the passion, refused to be diligent, and eventually left the family on bad terms. 

lorrie also, strangely, found some confidence in drama class; it was easier to be someone she wasn’t than the person she was. after her first time onstage without bursting into tears, her friends convinced her to try out for the school talent show, knowing she was a singer-songwriter. 

she managed to get through her audition, but at the actual show? she froze. she couldn’t stand to be herself in front of everyone. 

slowly, she realized she could be somebody else. a few months later during a sleepless night, the kind where she’d usually cut her hair or redecorate her entire room, she went to the local walmart and bought every glittery thing she could find. she wouldn’t sing as herself, she’d sing as someone else, even write as someone else.  

and when one of her classmates had a filmography project and wanted to do a music video, the fifteen year old lorrie offered her song. 

that video was called starr - “royals”, and within a few days of it being uploaded, it went viral. 

it wasn’t until a universal rep knocked on the gunthers’ door that lorries father even acknowledged her success. and acknowledge it, he did. 

lorrie hated how affectionate her father had become all of a sudden, but someone had to accompany her to los angeles to record her ep. 

she hated los angeles, not only for what it did to her father, but what it did to herself, too. starr was how she presented herself to the public, she became the crutch lorrie used to get through these schmoozing conversations. where lorrie was awkward and nervous, starr was graceful, mysterious, intriguing. 

also, drugs. way too many drugs. 

by the time her first album went platinum, she realized that her father was wasting her money on all kinds of things. they had a blowout fight one night and, even though she was only seventeen, she emancipated herself and locked her father out of all of the accounts. she also left la. 

(this is probably around the time she started dating her melodrama ex, after she left la). 

after her second album, she settled in hilton grove because it was quiet, far from california, and a place where nobody batted an eye at a famous figure, let alone a famous figure out of costume. 

tl;dr heiress to a musical legacy overcomes social anxiety via faking until making, goes viral, becomes a teenage pop star, sues own father for control of her estate, leaves la and tries to remember how to be herself.

personality. 

shes…. aloof. reclusive. a bit of a weirdo. she either doesn’t want to talk to you or, if you’re close to her or catch her in the right mood, she will literally talk your ear off.

doesn’t really ever access her emotions, or at least doesn’t acknowledge them.

she really is a whole mess. all of her songwriting is done during white nights of random inspiration.

she’s better when she has, like, a schedule, but she’s still kind of a mess its a thing.

loves conspiracy theories will talk about them forever. also big into astrology and divination.

aquarius sun scorpio moon pisces rising so like………… she has no chill

an excellent mimic but out of character her voice is very monotone and flat, doesn’t really smile all that much. shes probably a robot.

so sarcastic someone tell her to shut the fuck up

queer as hell

moves like an mf cat. can very easily sneak up on you. someone get her a fucking bell

she went to rehab on the deep deep dl and now really only smokes weed and drinks socially. its one of her proudest accomplishments.

definitely moving away from the starr character as she gains more confidence in herself. also finds it stunting her musical growth.

kind of terrified to love because it means being Known.

her finsta/private insta is @lorilies 

also she has bleached blonde hair but i’ll be using brunette maia for like gif icons and snap icons bc there’s. not enough blonde maia pics.

you know ya girl included some tik toks for lorrie

her default when alone in her house

she cute when she’s high as a kite

her manager won’t let her have a tik tok bc she’s do shit like this

her philosophy, nay, her religion

wanted connections. 

ex-lover. yknow the one she wrote melodrama about. she’s highkey clingy and bad in relationships So. open to all genders. (1/1) 

best friend.  self explanatory; there through thick and thin. (1/1)

enemy. a rival artist? a neighbor with high standards? idk lets get creative lets get spicy (0/3)

confidante. tells them things she doesn’t like to admit. bonus if they will smoke weed with her (0/1)

good influence. someone help her get her life together (0/1)

bad influence. she used to be a party girl, so. its not Hard. (0/1) 

flirtationship. a general will they won’t they; i need some romance y'all. (0/1?)

pls anything talk to me i’m so lonely 

[crucifythenburn]

People talk a lot of rightful shit about how Tommy treats women...

But I have yet to see anyone talk about how these women (who, again, I agree, he does treat horribly) actually do treat him terribly as well.

I honestly don't think any of the women Tommy finds himself with (with the arguable exception of Grace) ever truly care about who he is or what he's going through. The show repeatedly props him up to be some sort of prize for women to compete over and win. It's gross. He's still a person, and despite all his filth, he's still being objectified too. Just, hear me out... *lights cigarette*

In the beginning, Grace Burgess and Tammy Shelbe are honestly just a jumble of heterosexual nonsense. Their entire relationship is forced from the getgo, built on his nostalgia for Gretta, and the life he led before the war effectively changed him forever. What I find so odd about their relationship progression is that it isn't like Tommy hasn't killed people in front of others before. So, that night at the bar, when he snapped in front of her??? Ok, he was vulnerable and she saw it. Great. Good. But how exactly did he see her? 'You've seen me.' 'And you've seen me.' But what exactly did she do besides shoot a man that meant she'd been exposed in the same way as Tommy? It wasn't the first man she'd killed. So where was the vulnerability there? I must've missed it idk. Perhaps because she was willing to kill a man for Tommy? I'm very confused about it and I've watched it twice, please assist. Later on, when she confesses her love for Tommy and he doesn't accept it on account of her betrayal, she goes off to lead the life she wanted with Tommy with a man who could actually give it to her. But she couldn't stay away. Why? More on that in a moment.

Fast forward to May Carleton, whom I love, because she is the epitome of heterosexual female nonsense lol. May saw Tommy from across that balcony and she wanted him because of his big dick energy. Point blank periodT. Just like Arthur said, 'Rich women these days, all they want is working class cock.' Her motives were clear from the beginning with all that bidding against him for the horse; sizing him up. It was an entire powerplay and an exhilarating game for her, cemented when Grace asked her what she wanted from Tommy, and she answered, 'The same as you. I want to feel alive.'

So back to Grace, because I need to thank May for dragging Grace for filth. Because the only reason Grice brought her monkey ass back was because she went on ahead and tried to live her proper, boring life, with a man who was the complete opposite of Tommy, and she still wasn't happy. Why? Because Grace's pathology isn't as shallow as being the simple girl who wants the simple life. What she wanted was to change Tommy; to save him. To fix him. And a lot of us suffer from this particular affliction. The broken ones are always the prettiest. Don't even get me started on Trauma Bonds because this is already getting long and it's early and I haven't had my coffee yet hhhhh. But Grace's motives??? Huh. Well. Hmmm. She couldn't have a child with her husband either, so... Her return was awfully convenient, that's all I'm saying. I'll let you work that out for yourselves. *sips tea*

Now, to be fair, once Grace marries Tommy, I do see a shift for the better. She does make him talk to her about what he's going through and she does help him, just like he asked of her in season 1 when they first slept together: 'Will you help me? ... With everything. The whole fucking thing. Fucking life. Business. I found you. And you found me. We'll help each other.' So here comes season 3 and Finally. FINALLY we get a glimpse into a mutual exchange between Tommy and a female character. In season 1 she (unintentionally) breaks his heart. Because life is unfair. And yet again, his capacity for love is snatched away by the absurdity of life in season 3. And I weep for what could have been. I truly do. Because that's the healthiest we've ever seen Tommy. And we have Grace and Charlie to thank for that. I will never say that Grace treated him terribly, only that their relationship was built on an unhealthy foundation, and I don't know if they truly could have made it, because in the end, Tommy is who he is, and I don't think love, or family, or marriage has the power to change that. He needs professional help. And we all know he isn't going to get it. So how long, realistically, would he and Grace have lasted before her love turned to animosity toward the man that she always knew Tommy was? I wonder... Would Charlie have been used as a bargaining chip to get Tommy to fall in line? I don't put it past her. But let me move on because that rabbit hole gets deep...

So, back to May Carleton. She does try to help Tommy confront himself after Grace dies, but I never got the impression that she was doing it in order to help him. I thought she was doing it in order to dissect him. 'You're unlike any man I've ever met.' Yeah. We know, May. We all know. Tommy's special and she knew it from the moment she laid eyes on him, and just like she did horses, she bid on him. She wanted him just like any other possession, because that's what rich girls do. They possess. They collect. And like Tommy, who always gets what he wants, May does too. So what happens when two people who always get what they want get each other? May finally met her match with Tommy's particular brand of emotional unavailability, and she got hooked on the thrill of not being able to get what she wanted. That's honestly the extent of their relationship, and most of her interest in him. She has nothing to offer him, let's be real. Just try his damn Gin, May. jfc.

So, who's next? Right, let's talk about Lizzie Stark, who Tommy repeatedly uses and treats like a possession. Lizzie Stark, who, finally, after seasons of being treated like a piece of meat and wanting so badly to mean something to Tommy, winds up pregnant and lords that baby over Jessie as soon as she can, because, again, Tommy is a possession as well; a solidification of Lizzie's elevated status and a way out of her lot in life. She will forever be linked to him now, which is exactly what she's always wanted. Now, one could certainly argue that Tommy controlled her and manipulated her with the hope that maybe they could someday be more, but I mean, I'm not even gonna get into the whole John situation... Just do the fucking math here people. Lizzie has her motives, and they aren't as simple and innocent as her unrequited love for Tommy. I honestly think she'd sink her hooks into whoever she could in order to be relevant/legitimate. However, I do think Tommy actually connects with her on deeper levels than he does with any other women. That afternoon in that tunnel by The Cut, when he tells her about Gretta? He lied to her about his motives in that moment, but the thing is, Lizzie knew. She knew and she accepted being a substitute for Gretta, and allowing Tommy to use her as a means to recollect pieces of himself. He even goes on to say that she is the only one who kept his (already broken) heart from breaking. It's obvious he cares deeply for her. Perhaps as deeply as he is capable of. Unfortunately, that type of bond isn't enough for her. She wants the officiality. Because she deserves Tommy, yeah? She's earned him. Because, again, he is the prize to be won, right?

Who's next? Tatiana Petrovna. Do we even need to talk about Tatiana? I love her crazy ass but she only saw Tommy as a plaything. I'm glad she fucked with his head lol, but it wasn't because she cared. It was because it was fun to do. And like May and Grace, she wanted to feel alive. People like her can smell that trauma and those demons a mile away, because they've confronted their own darkness. Have I mentioned how much I love her? Because I love her. Also, I love her.

Anyway, that just leaves Jessie Eden. Now, this is actually the first relationship of Tommy's that I am down for, though I don't think it has the least bit of a chance at lasting. Mostly because I don't trust Tommy's motives at all. I don't think he gives a shit about Jessie. I think she is a pawn to him. But. BUT. I could be wrong. Since Tommy was actually on the same side as Jessie before the war, who knows where this could go? It certainly seems as if he's using her and she's using him, but we all know that all it takes is for Tommy to have an idea and make a decision and everything changes. Because Tommy only serves Thomas Shelby Unlimited™ and doesn't know how to stop or how to cope or who he even is without having a mission that needs accomplishing. Hhhh my poor troubled trash prince.... When will he rest? When will he let me rest? When will his heart and mind come back from the war? I am distraught.

Anyway, right, I'm actually rooting for Tommy and Jessie, but I know it's a long shot with a broken arrow at a moving target. In other words, it ain't gonna happen. If Grace taught me anything, it's that Tommy's relationships will always be volatile because he is a volatile person, and a woman, no matter how amazing, simply cannot change a man. That being said, I'm interested to see where he and Jessie go... And if Jessie will make the formidable adversary I know she has every capacity of being. Heh.

Who's excited for season 5?!

TL; DR: Tommy is trash and the way he treats women is trash but the way women treat him is just as trash. Change my mind. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[offiona-blog]

♡ ┋ INTRODUCTION !

i know i’m pretty late on this intro, but i’ve been a busy bee the last twelve hours so i’m only just now getting around to it ! this is my trash bby FIONA TOSCANO. she’s a twenty-four year old self-titled princess that’s traveled all the way here from milan, italy after her parents cut her off for spending all of her trust fund within the first year of receiving it. and i’m MIA, a total loser who is barely getting through my last year of college because all i do is procrastinate :):):) (i’m really lazy in case you haven’t noticed)

anyway, i love plotting and chatting and getting to know people so if anybody wants to do anything just hmu. i would love to talk to all you gorgeous ppl. ♡

TRIGGER WARNINGS INCLUDE: alcohol & drug mentions.

♡ ░ — look who just checked in, it’s ARIANA GRANDE! oh, no. that’s just FIONA TOSCANO, the TWENTY-FOUR year old HETEROSEXUALFLEXIBLE sugar baby. the CIS FEMALE just came in from MILAN, ITALY and i hear it’s because HER PARENTS CUT HER OFF. from social media, you can tell that they’re FUN-LOVING & VIVACIOUS, but can get to be FLIGHTY & POSSESSIVE if set off. maybe the resort will help HER explore HER interest in THREESOMES, LIGHT BDSM, & PUBLIC SEX while hopefully finding someone to help support HER financially.

fiona giovanna toscano - also see: fi (noun) bradfords very own wild child who is convinced she’s a princess. synonyms: dramatic, emotional, needy, materialistic and whiny.

fi grew up in a family that was way too wealthy for their own good. her mother made money by exploiting the lives of her children by broadcasting the intimate details of their lives into self-help books. her father was into politics. on the eve of her thirteenth birthday, yet another one of her mothers books was released. this one happened to speak of an affair she once had, and a pregnancy that occurred from that affair. that was the night that fiona found out her dad wasn't really her dad.

although she’d never admit it, finding out that her father wasn't her father biologically really got to her and is one of the main reasons she’s been a rebellious moody brat ever since she was thirteen. and living in her sisters shadow for more than half of her life didn't help. from then on out, she did anything she could to be the center of attention. she acted out a lot. and she still does b/c she's got mad daddy issues.

another thing that didn't help with her development is that she forced herself to grow up way too fast and threw herself into all the wrong things. fi was probably the prime example in nearly all of her mother's self-help books (but calling it 'tips on how to handle your insane daughter 101 and whatever' was too long of a title). she was the girl skipping class to smoke behind the school and dancing on tables at parties on the weekends, too drunk to care about who was recording her on their phone. she slept with other girls boyfriends and teachers and anybody else she could get her hands on. it was a miracle that she even graduated high school (it probably took a lot of bribing tbh) and as soon as she was of age to inherit her trust fund, she left home.

but it wasn't everything she thought it was going to be. in fact, she hated it. she hated being alone and was constantly inviting people over or sleeping around at other peoples places so she could avoid all adult responsibilities and drown her emotions in boys, alcohol and drugs. eventually, she burned right through her trust fund and tried to move in back home, but her parents were fed up at that point and refused to help her. that’s why she’s here.

to sum her up, the first thing you should know is that fiona is a lot to handle. not only does she have a ridiculous superiority complex that helps her cope with her own flaws and insecurities, she is loud and has a serious need for attention. for the most part, she is a very social and outgoing. once you get past her rough exterior, you'll see that she she loves making new friends and having a good time. she is bubbly and silly, sometimes a tad (or a lot) ditzy. she loves to party a little too much, whether it's drinking, smoking or experimenting with anything else she can possibly get her grimy little hands on. she's a little messy sometimes but never sloppy and is usually the life of the party. but she is also very impulsive and doesn’t exactly think before she talks/acts. it makes her a little difficult to get along with sometimes b/c she tends to rub people the wrong way but she means well... mostly. she is a very loyal and supportive friend to have once she considers you one, but she’s clingy. worse than a stage five clinger. like i mentioned previously, she hates to be alone, so she’s constantly texting/calling her friends or showing up unannounced. she just needs to be surrounded by others.

some of her negative traits include being really selfish and vain. fiona loves to talk about herself and is obsessed with taking selfies. she literally considers herself italian royalty and expects everybody else to view her that way. she can also be very moody when she's not on her medication, but it doesn''t help that she’s emotional and dramatic in general. she's sensitive and takes everything way too personally. and because of that, she's also very defensive when she doesn't need to be. in short, she's very angsty and dark and twisty and messy and flighty. she's the queen of eye rolls and picking at peoples flaws in a way that she deems to be joking but it doesn't sound like it (she has an odd sense of humor).

TL;DR fiona isn't the easiest person to get to know since she's very guarded and can give off a very unapproachable vibe when you first meet her (not bitchy or impolite - just cold), but she's a very loyal friend when it comes down to it. she tends to relax a lot when she's in intimate settings with people she trusts, but when she feels uncomfortable or pushed too far, she kind of retreats into herself and goes all ice queen, which is probably a little scary to watch. she loves to argue and cause a scene but she’s the type to run her mouth and run away before it gets physical. and as far as her sexual relationships go, she has a tendency to sleep around a lot in a really self-loathing kind of way. she doesn't really trust men but she also defines her self-worth by how attractive people find her to be, so she hyper sexualizes herself in a way that gives off major vampy seductress vibes. but even though she talks a lot of shit and pretends she doesn't care, she kind of secretly craves the idea of someone to take care of her and understand her and all that kind of stuff. but at the same time she's kind of self-destructive and wants someone to treat her badly?? it's really complicated and unhealthy.

anyway, if you actually read all of that you're a super star because it got way longer than i wanted it to wow. i'm basically up for plotting anything and everything, so if you're interested in any kind of connection like this or shoot me an im / ask and we'll go from there !