#the two things that kept me from unaliving last week

[nerevarbignaturals]

doing crisis intervention for a suicidal kid at work while literally having yoinked myself back from jumping off a bridge last Thursday. solidarity. the blind leading the blind. we out here surviving in spite of my brain's best attempts to off me and your brain's best attempts to off you. we got this, kiddo.

[carnationcreation]

Secrets and Fights (Gareth Emerson x Cunningham!reader)

✌🏻Masterlist Taglist, Requests, and Works in progress!

Please check bio to see if requests are open before sending any in! 

Pairing: Gareth Emerson x reader

Prompt/summary: After her sister's death, reader witnesses Jason’s spiral out of control, and tries to protect the people she cares about.

Warnings: fist fight, mentions of blood, mentions of chrissy’s unaliving, S4 spoilers? Lmk if I missed any!

Authors note: Two imagines in one week? Holy shit I’m on a roll y’all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My older sister, Chrissy, told me everything. 

I was only a year younger than her, but she still told me every detail of her life as I told her about mine. We just got each other. We got each other in a way other people would never understand.

I remember when she got her first boyfriend. Her eighth grade year, my seventh grade year, and her first year on varsity cheer. She swore me to secrecy and I covered for her sneaking out in exchange for food money at football games. She got more of an allowance than I did anyway. And even when they broke up before my freshman year, I never tried to tell her she was wrong about him. She loved him, but sometimes love doesn’t make things last.

I knew Jason was trouble, but he made her smile in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. They started dating during my sophomore year, her junior year. To all outsiders they were a match made in heaven. The ‘it’ couple at Hawkins High.

For the first time in my life, I kept two secrets from her.

One, was that I hated Jason.

I saw what he did to the ‘freaks’. Anyone he deemed beneath him would know how much he disliked them, and somehow my sister was oblivious to it all. The first fight I ever witnessed in high school was Jason and his gang jumping a poor kid from the school paper. To this day, I’m not even sure what he did to deserve it, but regardless I helped pick up the stacks of scattered papers without even a thank you from him. He was scared shitless.

I wanted to tell Chrissy, but part of me didn’t want to be the one who broke her heart. I guess it didn’t matter much now. 

Now I tell my secrets to a gravestone on the southside of town.

After her death, all hell seems to have broken loose. 

Jason was angry. After her memorial at the school he had stomped out to the parking lot, only stopping to answer my question of where he was going.

“I’m going to make those freaks pay.”

I knew who he meant. My heart sank. I didn’t believe that Eddie Munson was responsible for her death, I knew Eddie before she went to get something to help her sleep from him. I think it was something in her nightmares that got her. Not a monster, but something bothering her. Something she kept a secret from me. I don’t know if it was another boy… or something else. But I knew in my gut that it wasn’t Eddie.

That didn’t stop Jason.

The second secret I kept from Chrissy? 

I had a crush on a freak. A guy in Eddie’s band.

Gareth had jumped in to help the same day Jason jumped that kid. He helped me stack papers and get the kid to his feet. Gareth was a sweetheart, and becoming friends with him means that I knew Eddie. Hellfire wouldn’t do something like this, even though Jason wants to say they did. I knew if I had told Chrissy about my crush, her relentless teasing towards me would mean getting more attention from Jason put on them. And as much as I loved my sister, I couldn’t do that to them. 

I tried to protect them, but even now they’re not safe from his rampage.

I didn’t know who to go to. But as Jason left the school parking lot I knew I had to warn them. 

Warn Gareth.

He had a two minute head start on me, but I grabbed my bike and took a shortcut to Gareth’s house. 

They needed to find Eddie, before Jason did.

I got there before he did, somehow. I threw my bike down at the edge of the driveway and ran into the garage. All but crashing into Gareth’s arms as he stood up from his drum set, “Woah, (Y/n). You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“You guys-” I gasped, trying to catch my breath, “You need to hide. Jason- oh god, he thinks you guys are responsible for Chrissy’s death.”

Jeff placed a hand on my shoulder trying to calm me, “What?” 

“Jason thinks Eddie killed her, so now he’s coming up here after you-” I was cut short by Jason’s car skidding to a stop at the end of the cul de sac. “Guys please hide.”

Gareth tightened his grip on my arm, pulling me behind him, “We’re not going to hide. We didn’t do anything.”

“Gareth please,” I pleaded, but my warning fell on deaf ears as Gareth approached the garage door.

“You’re a little early fellas, the shows not till next week.”

Andy snorted, “Oh, so that was music you were playing?”

Jason locked eyes with me, making me hide behind Gareth once again, “We’re looking for Eddie Munson. He’s in this band, if that’s what you can even call this.”

“Why do you care?” Gareth said, jaw clenched in anger.

“That’s our business,” Jason said, “Let’s go (Y/n), your mom told me to drive you home.”

Gareth caught my arm as I was about to brush past him, “You have eyes, don’t you? Eddie’s not here.”

“Let her go,” Jason growled.

I sunk back behind Gareth, “She’s not going with you man.”

Jason nodded, and for a split second it looked like he was about to turn and leave. Gareth stumbled back from the force of his punch, Jason grabbed him by the collar, “Where is he?”

Jeff tried to lunge forward, but Andy grabbed his arm to hold him back, “Hey man!”

“Where is he?” Jason yelled into Gareth’s face.

“I don’t know!”

My body finally came out of shock. I threw myself in between the boys, trying desperately to get Gareth out of Jason’s grip. Jason drew his fist back for another blow, but as I finally managed to push Gareth out of the way I felt a sharp pain in my temple. 

I stumbled. The ground seemed to come up to meet me as I heard Gareth shout. 

I heard a crash and saw the drum set fall beside me. Jason now had Gareth pinned to the ground with his shoe pressed into his hand. I heard the crack of his knuckles as Jason continued to press down, “It’s gonna be hard to play drums with a broken hand.”

“Gareth, just tell him!” I shouted. 

Gareth screamed as Jason’s shoe pressed down harder, “Dustin! Dustin Henderson.”

I sighed in relief, Jason pulled his foot back but didn’t take it off.

“Yeah, he- he was calling around looking for Eddie. Maybe he found him?”

I got up, trying my best not to stumble against the pounding in my head and pushing Jason back. He fell back to the ground, “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Get out of here Jason, before I call the cops!”

Jason only smirked as his friends ran to the car, “I’ll deal with you later, for protecting these freaks.”

I waited until his car was pulling out before I finally turned back to Gareth. His lip was split and bleeding, and he cradled his right hand.

“I don’t think it’s broken man,” Jeff said, “Just sprained.”

I bent down, trying to examine his hand when Gareth brushed my hair out of the way to look at my face, “It’s already bruising.”

“I’ll be fine, should we get him to a hospital?” I asked Jeff.

“Not if the swelling goes down.” Jeff pulled Gareth to his feet, “Holy shit man, you just punched Jason.”

I looked at him questioningly before Jeff elaborated, “After you went down Gareth went for him man. God I wish I had recorded that.”

Gareth sighed, “Let’s go get some ice for that bruise.”

He led me inside and pulled ice packs from the fridge. He went to hold one against my temple before I took it out of his hand and started icing his now swollen knuckles, “You shouldn’t have punched him. It made things worse.”

“Eh, he needs to know he’s not invincible. And that he should never hit a pretty girl like you.”

I blushed under his gaze, hiding the smile that still peaked out as I examined his hand.

Gareth grabbed another ice pack and rested it against my now aching bruise, “You should really let people take care of you. You’re always protecting other people.”

“I don’t need protection like other people do,” I said.

Gareth sighed, “Well, maybe you don’t need it.”

“But you’re gonna do it anyway?”

Gareth nodded, smiling as he brushed my hair back again. The cold ice against my skin did nothing to hide the warm blush on my cheeks. 

“Do you remember when we first met?”

“Yeah, after Eddie-”

Gareth chuckled, “No, it was before Eddie.” I looked at him questioningly, “It was back in… fifth grade I think? I had just buzzed all my hair off, and when I came into class Andy Pollier kept rubbing my head saying it was a magic eight ball.”

I chuckled lightly.

“Well, after I slapped his hand away he cornered me after school. You saw, and instead of running to get a teacher you walked right up to him and kicked him. Right in the balls.”

“Oh yeah,” I chuckled, adjusting the ice pack on his hand, “I think I do remember that.”

“I ran off of course. Too scared, but also in awe of the fact that a pretty girl just kicked someone in the balls to keep me from getting jumped.”

I smiled, and when I looked back up at him he was smiling too. At me. He was smiling at me.

“Maybe that’s when the crush started,” he said, and with those simple words my heart stopped. “Or maybe it was when you helped that poor kid from the school paper. But I knew it definitely started before you defended me against Jason and got yourself hurt in the process.”

I shrugged.

“That was amazing,” he said, making me meet his eyes again.

“You’re amazing.”

I said it before I could even process the words coming out of my mouth, and part of me wanted to slap myself.

Gareth smiled widely, bringing his injured hand up with mine on top of it to gently kiss my knuckles. 

“I hate to kill the moment,” I sighed, “But how are we going to find Eddie?”

Gareth furrowed his brow, “I don’t know. But we will.”

“Just don’t go get in any other fights. I don’t know how many more hits I can take protecting you,” I smiled.

Gareth chuckled, “Don’t worry darling. I’m ready this time.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[vacant--body]

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of unaliving self, PTSD, Bucky have flash backs, vomiting, loss of pregnancy, ED if you squint, lots and lots and lots of angst. sad, saaaad, Bucky :(

female!reader x steve and bucky love triangle (not as much here)

Side note: HI! I'M SO SORRY! I LOVE YOU ALL:) *also if the text is in italics it means there's a flashback*

part 1

✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿

It had been almost a month since Bucky had last seen Y/N. Tony and Steve thought it was best for Y/N to be admitted to the psychiatric ward at the near by hospital. But you have been gone a month. And you didn't put Bucky down on the approved list of people that could come visit you. The only thing he had left of you was the last conversation you guys had, and it was slowly driving him insane.

"Bucky? Where are they taking me? I don't wanna go." You were still loopy from the anesthesia Banner had used during your surgery. The way you were talking to him made it seem like you had just forgotten everything that had happened over the last 3 months.

"Shh, it's okay." Bucky said softly. Talking still hurt his throat. "But you gotta. You gotta get better, okay?" You nodded and sniffled. "Don't cry doll. It's all gonna be okay." He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, like he always did when you were upset.

"What happened to your face?" You muttered, your fingers grazing across the cut on his cheek bone. Bucky flinched at your touch, not wanting to remember how it felt.

"Don't worry, doll. Just get some rest. I'll see you soon." Bucky stood up from beside the cot and nodded at the paramedics who were standing close by to take you to the hospital.

"Bucky?" You asked quietly.

"Yeah, doll?" He could feel the hot tears in his eyes getting ready to spill over.

"I love you."

"Bucky," Sam tapped his shoulder. "Are you listening?"

"Sorry." He mumbled. "Just thinking." He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, wringing his hands together.

"I asked how you were doing?" Sam repeated.

"I'm fine."

"Don't do that Buck." He scoffed, slumping into his chair. "You gotta talk about this shit, man. And I know you normally talk to Steve but-"

"Sam, don't."

"Bucky-"

"I don't need your fucking pity.” Bucky growled, getting to his feet. Sam stared into his eyes with exactly what Bucky was upset about; pity.

"I am trying, damnit." Sam seethed through his teeth. "I am trying to hold you together and I am trying to hold Steve together. I hate being the middle man but if you two want to act like you're in high school and give each other the silent treatment, then I'll do it. I don't like seeing my friends hurting." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "You are very clearing showing signs of PTSD, and if you just let me help you, I can try to make it better."

"Everyone hates me, Sam." Bucky changed the subject.

"No, they don't. They're worried about you." Sam tossed his arms up in the air, exasperated. "You and Steve lost so much in one night, they're scared for you. They are mourning with you, Bucky. Please understand that."

Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I gotta go, this was pointless."

"Bucky-" He didn't hear what else Sam had to say before he shut the door to his office behind him and stormed down the hallway. He scoffed and shook his head. Fucking therapy. Tony had forced him to go or else he was sending him some place like Y/N was. He didn't need it anybody’s help, he was fine.

Bucky had wondered around the compound for hours after been you’d taken away, unsure of where he was going. This place felt so empty without Y/N here. He felt so empty. He found himself standing outside Steve's room after walking for hours. The sun was starting to rise now. His arm jerked as if he wanted to knock on the door, but he couldn't do it.

Then why did he knock?

Steve opened the door and was standing in front of him, eyes red from crying. His hair a mess. He definitely didn't look like the calm and collected Captain America.

"What the fuck do you want?" He spat, glaring down at his best friend.

"I-" Bucky was at a loss for words. "I don't know."

Steve laughed bitterly. "Get the fuck out of my face before I knock your teeth out."

"Steve, please-" Bucky's voice broke. "I need-I need you. Please."

"You need me?" Steve hissed. "What about what I need, huh? Does how I feel just not matter to you?”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, staring down at his feet. He couldn’t look Steve in the eyes any longer.

“You were fucking her.” Steve laughed, almost as it was a joke. “You were fucking my girl. You got my girl pregnant, and she tried to kill herself. Because of you, Bucky. So get out of my face. I don’t care what you have to say.”

"You're the only one-" Bucky tried desperately. He needed to talk. And Steve was the only one who understood.

"Save it, I don't wanna hear it. You ever show up at my door again," He took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the bruising cut that was on his cheek. "I won't stop this time." Steve slammed the door in Bucky's face.

Bucky was standing in front of Y/N's room. The door had long opened and an empty room was staring back. After you had left, Pepper and Nat had cleaned your room up the best that they could. While cleaning they had found an ultrasound picture hidden away in your nightstand. Nat said she wanted to throw it out but Pepper stole it from her and brought it to Bucky one evening. Bucky didn't know what to do with it so he brought it back to your room, stashing it away where you had kept it. He didn't want to take anything out of your room for when you came back. He wanted it to look like how you had left it. Well- before you destroyed it anyway.

Bucky slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, the springs groaning at the sudden weight on it. No one had sat here in a long time. Bucky heaved a sigh and hung his head, his long hair made a curtain around his face. You were always telling him to cut it.

A frown crept onto his lips, silently cursing himself. You teasing him about his hair is was started this whole thing. It was 4 months ago, you guys had most of the compound to yourself and were passing the time playing a drinking game.

He still remembers the smile on your face when you had brought up his hair, thinking it was hilarious how it was so long. Your laugh was more intoxicating than the alcohol the two of you were consuming. He just couldn't stop staring at you, your beautiful eyes, your hair that smelled like lavender, your gorgeous smile. And every time you leaned over it would expose your cleavage from the top of the thin tank top you had on. By the time you were done giggling Bucky had leaned in and grabbed your face, pressing his lips firmly against yours. You were stunned at first but quickly gave into his advances, as you had been waiting for this moment too.

A noise outside the room made Bucky snap back to reality.

"Thought I would find you here." A soft voice whispered. It was Nat. She gave him a soft smile before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. "It okay if I sit?" Bucky shrugged his shoulders and nodded. "Sam said you're having a bad day."

"Sam doesn't know shit."

"I know some days are tougher than others. You seemed to be doing okay last week. Actually saw you smile." She laughed quietly. Bucky didn't say anything. "She's not dead, Bucky."

"Why the fuck-"

"Shut up and listen." Any hint of kindness in her voice was gone. "I'm not like Sam, I'm not gonna coddle you. She is alive and is doing better, I just came from the hospital."

"We'll I'm glad you got to see her." He scoffed.

"I know you're not gonna hear what I have to say, but just listen to this- you are not alone, Bucky. Okay? I know none of that matters because you don't have the people you love most around you. But the rest of us are you for you, and Steve. Okay?" Bucky opened his mouth to snap something back but Nat held up her hand. "Just tell me you understand, okay? Because if I have to clean up one more persons blood off the floor I am going to loose my mind."

Bucky sighed and nodded his head. "Okay. I understand." Nat patted him on the shoulder before standing up and left the room. A tear dribbled down his cheek and he quickly whipped it away. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone?

Absolutely exhausted, he kicked his shoes off and laid down, not wanting to pick himself up and walk back to his room. Everything just felt too heavy. His eyes slowly fluttered shut, no matter how hard Bucky fought against it. But it was just too heavy.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." Banner said quietly, standing in Bucky's door way.

"What?" Bucky grumbled from his spot on the bed. "If it's about checking my head, I don't want to hear it. I'm fine, he didn’t hit me that hard.”

"No, it's not that. I need to know-"

"Then what?"

"I need to know what you want to do with the fetus...the baby." He shifted his weight back and forth.

A heavy silence surrounded the two of them. "Why me?" Bucky croaked out finally.

"Well, you're the father and-"

"Don't. Don't call me that." Bucky pointed a stern finger at him Bruce stood there awkwardly, waiting for Bucky to tell him what to do. He blinked back a few tears and cleared his throat. "What do you think I should do?"

"Well, everyone else thinks you should bury him."

Him. It was a boy. Bucky was going to have a son. His son. Y/N's son. Our son.

"Then bury him."

"I think you should go."

"I don't want to."

"Bucky, please. You need to cope."

"Oh yeah, and how should I do that, doctor?" Bucky snapped back. Bruce sighed, defeated. "Go fucking burry the thing and get over it. I don't want to be there, got it?" Why was he saying this? That's not what he wanted to say.

"Okay. Sorry for bothering you." Banner exited his room in a defeated sigh, his shoulder hunched over.

Some more time ticked by before there was another knock on the door. Bucky jumped slightly as he just starting to fall asleep. He hadn't slept in about two days and it was starting to take a toll on him. The evening sun cast shadows that danced around in his dark room.

"Bruce I swear-" He opened the door and stepped back, surprised. It was Pepper. She smiled shyly at him. Bucky thinks she hasn't said more than 10 words with him since he came to live at the compound a year ago. Mostly just awkward good mornings when they came into the kitchen at the same time to get coffee. Pepper always got up early but Bucky was fed up of trying to fall asleep.

"Oh. Did...did you need something?" He asked looking down at her. Pepper wasn't as hard as everyone else at the compound, she hasn’t seen the things everyone else had. He had barely spoken to her and there were already tears forming in her eyes.

"Nat-" She cleared her throat and attempted to wipe the tears away from her eyes. "Nat and I were cleaning up Y/N's room, so it won't be a mess when she comes back. And we'll we found this." She held out some grainy pictures. Bucky wasn't sure what he was looking at.

"What are these?" He muttered, taking them from her.

"They're ultrasound pictures. I guess she knew..." She cleared her throat again, fighting back the urge to cry. "Sorry. I guess she knew about the pregnancy. Nat wanted to throw them out but I thought you should have them."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He didn't want to open his mouth and rip Peppers head off, because he knew that she was just trying to be nice. Trying to make him feel better, but honestly it was just making him feel worse. If you knew you were pregnant why did you try to kill yourself? Or is that why you tried to kill yourself?

Before he could think of what to say, a sob ripped through his chest, his knees giving out under him. Pepper moved quickly to his side and threw her small body against Bucky's, wrapping him up in a hug. She tried to hold him up the best she could, but they crumpled to the ground together.

"I'm so sorry, Bucky." She cried. Her hands grabbed the back of his shirt, like she was trying to keep him from falling apart. It wasn’t working. It felt like someone was chiseling away at his heart. He clutched the ultrasound pictures to his chest, another sob wracking through his body. He wanted Y/N. He wanted you here with him, mourning the loss of your child together. "I'm so sorry." Pepper repeated. Bucky gently pushed her away and tried to calm himself down.

"Thank you for these, Pepper." He babbled. "But I need to be alone. Please leave me alone." She shook her head at what he was saying and tried to protest. He held up his hand to stop her. “Go. Just go.” He pleaded. Finally, she left him there, sitting in the door way, holding the only pictures of his son that he would ever get.

Bucky woke up with a gasp, his clothes were soaked and sticking to his skin from his sweat and it felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest, his stomach churning in knots. He scrambled out your bed and into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. These fucking dreams would not leave him alone. Ever since you left that's all he was able to dream about.

He spilled his guts out a few more times before slumped down beside the toilet, he shoved his head in hands and took a few deep breathes, trying to ease his spinning head. He gagged at the taste of vomit in his mouth and spit into the toilet again. Standing up shakily, he looked at himself in the mirror that was above the sink. He hated the person looking back. He looked sick, disgusting.

Saying Bucky looked rough was an understatement. His eyes were sunken in, which were accompanied by dark bags. His hair was ratty and dull and he hadn't trimmed his beard in weeks. He had also lost weight and muscle mass from not being able to eat. He couldn't. The only thing he was able to keep down was chicken broth and he hardly even eat that. He had no desire to work out either. His metal arm, which he usually polished at least once a week was dull too. And covered in scratches from him clawing at it in the middle of the night.

Bucky sighed heavily and rinsed his mouth and face with water. Patting his face dry with a towel he realized for the first time, he was starving. He could smell someone cooking bacon down in the kitchen and it made his mouth water.

Maybe Sam was right, Bucky did need to talk about this. Or maybe Steve was the one who was right. This was all his fault. He made the first move on you. The baby was his. Everything was his fault. Maybe if he had just left you alone, none of this would have happened. He couldn’t think straight anymore, nothing made sense without you here.

He pushed his thoughts out of his head as he remade your bed. Picking up his boots from off the ground, he slowly made his way back to his room. It was a hot mess inside, more than normal. Bucky doesn't remember the last time he picked anything up. He discarded his sticky clothes and got into the shower, letting the hot water fall over his skin. He hummed contently as he washed his hair, yanking to get the knots out. While he was in there he trimmed his beard the best he could without looking in a mirror.

Getting out and rubbed the steam off the mirror and looked at himself again. His beard and his hair looked better, but his eyes still looked empty. He still felt empty. Bucky tossed on some clothes that smelled the cleanest, which happened just an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

Taking a deep breath he left his room, or his cave, as Sam called it, and went down to the kitchen. It seemed like everyone was there, talking and laughing together. Bucky felt an instant nauseous feeling build in his stomach as eyes fell on him. He felt like an outsider, no, he was an outsider. Always has been as always will be

"Hey, Buck." Sam greeted, pulling Bucky out of his thoughts. "There's coffee in the pot if you want some." Bucky gave him a small smile and poured himself a cup, and grabbed a few pieces of bacon and fruit that was cut up. He sat down beside Sam and cleared this throat. Sam looked down at the small amount of food that Bucky had gathered and frowned slightly, but refrained from saying anything. He should be glad he was eating at all.

"Where's Steve at this morning?" Bucky asked, taking a sip of coffee, which stung going down his throat.

"Oh, he went to visit Y/N." Sam replied nonchalantly.

"Hm." Bucky stared down at his food, which suddenly repulsed him. Maybe this was a mistake, he should have stay in his room. Sam silently cursed himself for bring you up and tried to change the conversation.

"Sleep any better last night?" Sam questioned.

"A little. Fell asleep about an hour after we got done talking." He shrugged. “Woke up a little bit ago.”

"So you slept for 14 hours?" Sam chuckled. "We got done talking at 5, so you were out for 14 hours. I'd call that pretty good sleep."

"Doesn't mean it was restful."

"It's still a good thing that you slept through the night." Sam took a bite out of his bacon. "Oh my god, I swear Vision makes the best food." He goaded. Sam was obviously trying to get Bucky to eat.

"I know." Bucky faked a smile as he couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to get sick again. The feeling suddenly got overwhelming and he suddenly stood to his feet, his chair scrapping loudly against the floor, which caused everyone to stop and look. They watched as Bucky disappeared down the hall to the bathroom.

There was nothing in Bucky's stomach for him to throw up, besides that little bit of coffee. He was now just dry heaving, spit trickling down his chin. He just wanted this to go away, why couldn't it go away? Bucky heaved into the toilet one last time before picking his head up, wiping away the spit that was now traveling down his neck. He noticed there was a slight red tinge to it.

He brought his knees up to his chest and his hands shook as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. The room was spinning, he was so dizzy. His mouth felt he had just chewed on chalk. He was a super solider, god damn it. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. Something wasn’t right.

He slowly got to his feet, hanging onto the sink for support. Slowly he made his way back to the kitchen, leaning against the wall so he wouldn’t fall over. He just needed to get to Banner. Banner would know what to do.

Back in the kitchen, Bucky could hardly see. His vision was darkening and his ears were ringing. He could feel eyes on him. Gripping the wall for support, he dry heaved again. “Bucky?” Someone asked, concern in their voice. That voice. He knew that voice.

“Y/N?” He panted, his head snapping up. The quick action made his head spin and his grip on the wall loosened. He caught a glimpse of you right before he fell on his face, vision going black, everything falling silent.

part 3

[lusiferslover]

Hey, it's been AWHILE! I changed my name but it's (Krissylove902,Teenmomkristy, ect) I have had alot happen for the better. I left Erik March 2021 due to him beating me, sexually assaulting me and trying to force alot of sexual stuff on me along with not letting me have friends or family. I went and lived for a close friend of mine (though I don't see him anymore due to drugs ect) then ended up getting high one night, like really high, and I was going threw some shit and was on the verge of unaliving myself because I wasn't in 'safe company and I was in danger. I was talking to a guy friend that I met threw Facebook a year before hand, and I was texting him crying (he checked on me EVERYDAY after my break up and) he asked me when I wanted to meet him to let him know (me being in danger already, going threw a break up, and was on drugs hard af and was already going to probably die that night ) I was like right now. He dropped working and came and got me (LEGIT SAVED MY LIFE I CANT STRESS THAT ENOUGH) We went to the part for a few hours then he asked me if I wanted to go back to his apartment and I was like fuck it. I never went back to the house I was in serious danger (people have went missing from this house.)

I quit Herion and Meth that night. This man got me CLEAN, my depression isn't like it had been my whole life, anxiety, bpd and ptsd are all SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I now have 10 months and 8 days clean. This is the longest I've ever had and I'm so much happier.

Erik the one I was with for almost 6 years, he kept threatening me ect and spreading stuff that was obviously untrue (even his mother is sickened by the whole thing) he thought he was a God, like a legit God. He thought he was Odin. He ended up killing his self December 24th 2021 (he was going to do it via overdose it seems but his mother wouldn't give him the money for herion that day) so he crashed into a car dealership killing his self(He suffered before dying) his mother, me and many others are relived about this as sad as it is. A few weeks before his death he was threatening his mother and chasing her with a knife. That isn't even the worst of it either. I got into his Facebook a week or two ago for his mom, went threw his messages, he was beyond what I had admitted to myself on the abuse scale.

I'm now with a Afghanistan and Iraq Veteran. He has 2 degrees a RN and a thing for dental health. He's 35, doesn't do drugs, has his life together and for the last 10 months has been helping me get over my traumas and form HEALTHY relationships with people.

I have friends that don't do hard drugs now, don't drink and don't party now.

Life finally let me be happy, or should I say I finally let me be happy.

I had gotten to where I was sick in meth and herion addiction I had no body fat, now I've found I missed food and sleep. Im not a sick anymore, I have an ass, tits, thic thighs and a tummy. I may struggle with feeling beautiful but I physically feel better now.

[that-micro-chic63]

Joys of...

Joys of seasonal depression....and men....an emotions. I find myself just wanting to go to sleep and stay asleep for days. Just so this time of year goes by faster. I'm done, over it, and finished somehow all at the same time.

This time of year has always sucked, seems anymore I am never happy. Halloween this year was just another day... except small things in costumes kept ringing my door bell. It was obnoxious, and awful. Thanksgiving?? Woohoo, what the hell are we celebrating anyways? Does any of the new generation even know what Thanksgiving is? Or did that fall out of the lesson plan like everything else they wiped out? No, I wasn't happy. I didn't really come up from the basement. I ate even though I had no appetite. I put on my smiling mask just to make it look like I was happy and so no one would ask that awful "Hey, are you alright?" question, or ask me to talk to them. I'm kind of over letting people in. In a big way.

On the subject of men... Man am I an idiot. I let one in. We've been doing......"THIS" for about 8 months. Don't even ask what this is...because I have no explanation at all. No titles, no affection....he barely even talks to me and uses work as an excuse. But last I checked...working 24-7 was illegal. But you know its okay, it just my emotions being toyed with right? No big. One, two, sometimes three days with out hearing anything from him...but I had better not get upset. I had better just grin and bear it because you know that the way we do things.

I'm Polyamorous... Yes. I am also turned off by the idea of random relations with random people, so I prefer that I know my partners in some aspect. I let someone back into my crazy, topsy-turvy, fucked up nightmare of a world... someone that I have and honestly will continue to have feelings for because he played a huge part in my growing up. But, I'm a loose cannon. Which I am. I won't lie and say that I am not. While yes I would like another chance...he doesn't have time for...well, all of this. *gestures to self* Hell, I don't have time for all of this....

As for the primary... I know I should walk away for my sake, but he makes my daughter smile, which is a rare occurrence these days. SO I stay...for them. Because he makes them happy. And I would give anything to have my happy kid back.

The glass represents my daughter. Beautiful, clear, but dangerous when broken. My daughter has a evil mouth. Vicious, hateful words spew from it like lava from an erupting volcano. And once it starts... it doesn't stop.

"I wish I was never born."

"Why did you keep me? I know you never wanted me!"

"I hate you."

"You should have kept Aidan and put me up for adoption."

"You should have unalived me."

"Your the worst parent ever..."

"You should have gotten rid of me when you had the chance." (I was five months pregnant when I found out I was pregnant.)

And my personal favorite from their last scream fest..... "Stop dating, you go through so many guys. Even after you've said you're not going to date anymore." I've only been with 2 people in 2021. and only one from 2018-2020. So I guess 2 is too many? I try to explain to them that I matter too, my needs matter. But it is clear now...

I don't think I am meant for a companion. I think I am just meant to be the crazy cat lady in the neighborhood that names all of her cats after the Greek alphabet.

So yeah, life is a little rocky, my meds are not doing what they are supposed to do...

Yes I talk to my doctor regularly.

How do I cope? Easy....I work 50-60 hours a week, pretend to sleep, cry at random for absolutely no reason (seriously though...I started crying a work today with reason,) and hardly eat. Oh...and slam countless energy drinks to stay awake since clearly my sleep schedule sucks right now.

Am in in the middle of a mental health crisis...absolutely.

Will I tell anyone that I am in crisis? No. Because the two people I did talk to about basically told me to drop my pity party.

This is why countless people un-alive themselves every year.... They get told to get off the pity wagon... or bus.... or whatever and to go on with their lives. This is exactly why we choose to suffer in silence and alone until its finally too much to deal with. This is why a lot of my friends are dead. Not everyone iN crisis is doing for attention. Some truly are in crisis...

I'm rambling at this point. I don't even remember why I starting writing this. To be honest I started writing this last night when I was straight up delirious after work.... And now I have no idea where I was going with this.....