#the way i retrospectively HATE this one now… but i learned a lot making it!

[imfinereallyy]

@henderdads posted this about domestic fluff and I realize that I love this trope and I just don’t write enough of it, and I wanted to give her a little treat to read. Mostly because her tags when she reblogs on my post give me absolute joy, I laugh every time.

Two things might come as a surprise when getting to know Steve Harrington. The first being he didn’t actually like parties. He likes making other people feel good, wants to make them happy. Hence why for years, he lets Tommy and Carol wreak havoc on his house. It makes them happy and, for a short while, makes most of Hawkins High happy. Steve, in retrospect, has learned to regret this since he has now gained a reputation for being a party king, despite not throwing one in years, but he knows all too well how hard it is to let go of a high school reputation.

The second surprising fact is that Steve Harrington hated his birthday. Well, maybe hate wasn’t the right word, but he has incredibly low expectations for his birthday. Either everyone forgets his birthday, or somehow Steve is reminded that he is an inconvenience.

“Sorry sweetie, your dad has a business meeting that day.”

“Dude, I have a baseball game in that night could we do something another day?”

“I’m late! I know, we stayed up all night playing D&D. I even forgot to call Suzie!”

Steve isn’t necessarily hurt per se when these things happen. He knows that some people, more than others, are really trying. That it’s human to make mistakes. But Steve doesn’t like to get his hopes up; that’ll be much better than that.

There is also the more commonly now known fact that Steve doesn’t like being the center of attention. And birthdays come along with a lot of that. Sure, Steve wants someone to pay attention to him, really listen to what he has to say, but he has long since out grown the desperate need to have everyone look at him.

It is why it is such a surprise the upside down crew throws him a 24th birthday party.

Steve always thought something like this would upset him, but he is delightfully warm at the sight of all his friends, all of his family, inside Robin and Nancy's apartment screaming,

“Surprise, Dingus!”

Steve can’t believe she got everyone to say that.

After the shock of seeing them all packed like sardines wearing party hats, Steve can’t help but smile.

Eddie walks up to him, placing a hat on his head and a soft kiss on his cheek. “I tried to stop them,” Eddie whispers. “I know you don’t like parties, but they just wanted to show how much they love you. It was hard to say no.”

Steve turns to Eddie, a man who knows him inside and out and knows he can’t lie to him. “I thought I would hate this, but I don’t. It’s perfect.” He kisses Eddie on the lips, just as soft as the one before.

“Good, because I really didn’t try to stop them.” Eddie smiles into the kiss.

“Ew!”

“Gross!”

“Get a room!”

Various shouts across the room cause the couple to giggle and pull apart. Eddie flips them all off, “It’s been four years, assholes! Grow up.”

Eddie runs off to particularly chase Mike, who actually hasn’t said anything but did make a face, and Steve can’t help but be overwhelmed by joy.

🎉🦇🎉🦇

Hours later, after the cake has been cut and the presents have been shared, and his kiddos are definitely way too drunk, the party doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. And Steve, who is having fun but growing antsy since he slowed down on drinking years ago, isn’t quite sure what to do with himself.

He doesn’t want to ruin the fun or make anyone think he didn’t have a good time. This is one of the best birthdays, if not the best one, he’s ever had. But Steve is getting overwhelmed and worn out. He isn’t really tired, but being social has reached its capacity for the night.

Even so, he can’t help but laugh at Robin as she tells a story about the most recent disaster of her sign language class, where kids keep accidentally swearing instead of the proper words.

Eddie catches his eye across the room; he looks happy as he talks to Hop and Wayne. But even mid-conversation, across the sea of people, he tugs his helix piercing over his right ear twice.

It’s their signal for, “Do you want me to come over?”

Steve rubs the scar over his left eye twice, “Yes please.” It means.

Eddie excuses himself and makes his way to Steve. “Hey, baby.” He interrupts Robin mid-rant, who makes a sound of drunken protest. “Did we feed Mrs. Pierson’s cat today?”

Another signal, which translates, “Do you want to go home?”

And Steve knows he can just tell Eddie yes, and they can stay at the party, and Steve will have fun, and he’ll be happy, but it isn’t what he wants. What he wants is to be at home with their own cat Beelzebub, snuggled up in their bed. So Steve says, “Shit, I don’t think we did.” Yes, please. Let’s go home.

Eddie acts quickly. They make their rounds, say goodbyes, and make their excuses. Everyone lovingly pokes at their forgetfulness. The couple insists everyone stays and enjoys themselves. Steve thanks everyone with individual hugs.

Steve and Eddie hold pinkies the entire walk home, down the streets of Indianapolis. The dark night blanket of night, and the never-ending sound of the city, keeping them safe enough to risk the intertwined digits.

When they make it home, they say nothing. They unwind slowly. Sharing kisses, delicately take off each other's clothes, hum into each others mouths. There is nothing rushed, or rough; they have time now. There will be moments for that later.

And in their journey from the front door to the bed, Eddie kisses the place where Steve’s shoulder and neck meet. It’s his signal for “I love you.”

Later, when they are tangled up in the sheets, heavy breaths slowing down, Eddie’s arms wrapped around him, Steve leans up and kisses the tip of Eddie’s nose. It’s his signal for “I love you more.”

Eddie’s smile back says, “that just isn’t possible.”

“Thank you for today.” Steve finally speaks out loud, playing with Eddie’s fingers.

“Oh, it isn’t over yet, baby.” And Eddie jumps out of bed naked, running out of the room.

Steve can’t help but cackle at his boyfriend's antics. There is a sudden thump on the bed; Steve peeks down to see their cat making his home on the end of their bed like he knows they are finally done for the night. “Hey, bee.” Steve scratches him behind his ear, earning a resounding purr from him. A little to the left, it means.

Eddie comes back into the room and dives back into the bed, bouncing Beelzebub but not startlingly him enough to move. Steve supposes he’s used to his father's antics. “Okay, I would tell you to close your eyes, but I know you’re not going to listen, so I’m just going to hand them to you.”

Steve giggles and grabs the pieces of paper in his hands and his heart stops. “Eddie.”

“Steve.” Eddie’s grin is wide.

“These are three tickets to see Madonna.”

“Yup.” Eddie pops his ‘p’ clearly proud of himself. “One for you, one for Robs of course, and one for me.”

Steve whispers in awe, “But you hate Madonna.”

Eddie brushes the hair out of Steve’s face, “Please, no one can hate Madonna.” Eddie’s eyes turn soft, “Besides, you love her, and you love me. It only felt fair to have us both in the same place. And you’d worry the entire time if I wasn’t there.”

Steve throws his arms around Eddie, squeezing him tight. Hoping he can translate how much he loves this man through it. Steve loves making other people happy, but no one has loved making Steve happy, quite like Eddie. “I love you so much,” Steve says once he leans back.

Eddie kisses the place where his shoulder and his neck meet. I love you. Eddie kisses the tip of his nose. I love you more. Finally, he holds Steve’s face and says aloud,

“I love you too.”

***

Was this perhaps inspired by the fact I turn 24 in a week and a half? Maybeee. I’m a lot like Steve in this where I have such mixed feelings about my birthday. I’m feeling a lot of anxiety about it if I’m honest, and I don’t have high hopes.

Unlike me, I don’t have a partner like Eddie, but Steve deserves the world and I wanted him to have some loving and domestic fluff. The idea that these two have secret signals is an important headcannon to me, and I would love to see others take on it.

I hope @henderdads you enjoyed this if you made it this far. It was a lot of fun to write. :)

[thosewildcharms]

Your rhetorical questions have lit up my brain lol like what if Rick had met Michonne and Andre first instead of Morgan and Duane? 🤯 But anyway on a separate note, it’s so wild to see Rick and Shane’s first scene and Rick laughing along to Shane’s mysoginistic weird ass rant in light of who he is now. He really was just some emotionally repressed small town guy, And while Lori telling Rick “I wonder if you even care about us” in front of Carl was horrible, I wonder what Rick could’ve done or not done that would make her feel that way? And Shane said women’s problem is they don’t know how to turn off a light switch, to which Rick says part of the problem is he’s the one who’s leaving light switches on; I hate to be missing something that’s probably obvious but what did he mean with that?

oh that's a great idea for an AU anon. your mind!

this got long because who am i, so under a read more it goes.

maybe i got my rickgirl blinders on and am giving him too much credit but i thought rick was laughing at least somewhat incredulously at shane's speech (he was at the very least shaking his head a lot until the very end) but yes present-day rick would probably not have entertained that quite so much lol. but to kind of go along with that, my interpretation of light switch thing was rick kind of dismissing shane's, as you pointed out, misogynistic joke by saying he's the one with the issue turning off lights, and also to shift the conversation into the Actual Problems he and lori are having. also in retrospect it kinda feels like the show was lowkey already telling us lori and shane were more suited for each other than lori and rick but i could be reading into that. but listen metaphors have a habit of flying right over my (probably) autistic little head so i could also be missing some hidden meaning there.

as for the fight with lori, there's a flashback (i think in season 2?) where lori is talking to a friend about that same fight and she admits that she was the one who was being the asshole and how she got even more pissed off over how even-tempered and reasonable he was in response. from rick's perspective, he said he would try to talk about his feelings only for it to seem like lori didn't actually want to hear them after all. honestly i think they were just fundamentally incompatible, as we saw over and over in seasons 1 and 2. it wasn't anyone's fault, and their fights probably escalated because they didn't even know how to argue the way the other person wanted them to.

and not to constantly compare rick/lori to richonne, but rick similarly almost never yells or gets mean the few times we see him and michonne argue. the couple of times he did in towl were such an anomaly it set off alarm bells for michonne that something was really wrong with him (and also the situation was just objectively insane). but michonne and rick know how to disagree without getting ugly, and she certainly never has to try to provoke him into communicating because they have a fundamental understanding of each other that rick and lori never had. for sure rick learned from his mistakes with lori but i don't think the rick who was with lori was an entirely different person who said horrible things to his wife. he couldn't express himself the way we see he can with michonne because he just didn't have that type of connection with lori. and to be fair, lori didn't feel that with rick either, and again, that's okay. they probably should have just called it quits well before rick got shot. @cantstayawaycani and @jonesywrites go into this far more eloquently than I did here in their very excellent towl season 1 reaction video that you should definitely watch, because it's wonderful from start to finish.

[diezmil10000]

2023 art summary + thoughts on my own art progress under the cut!!

(template by HedgeCatDragonix on deviantart)

so i've been doing this for 10 years :P

i'm not posting these pics in high quality, they're somewhere on the internet if you want to scavange for a bit. i didn't start taking art seriously until late 2015 and i honestly don't like looking back at old drawings. i still like my 2022 art summary but it wasn't until this year that i'm proud of all my finished artworks.

my art journey is complicated. i'm not one of those artists who can say they've been drawing for all their lifes. i used to trace pokémon in my school agendas but that was it. around 2013, a couple of friends invited me to their Skype server where we used to draw each other's ocs and make art memes and stuff - it was fun and cringe in the most positive way i can say it :] i didn't know shit about art and i took pride in drawing on MS Paint with a mouse just because it was hard.

(all of my drawings until may 2018 were made with a mouse)

when i was 15 yo i got into Love Live! and i decided to get better at art because i didn't want lesbian fanart to be made only by creepy cishet men. at some point i watched this video from Sycra and it rewired my brain. i understood that i needed to actually practise and understand what i was doing, and that i wasn't going to improve just by observing. its follow-up video also helped me a lot, i remember watching it on the day it was posted jskhfdjdfd.

and so fast forward until 2021 approx. i spent all of those years practising drawing in my traditional sketchbooks, so my improvement was steady. the only problem, and in retrospective i see it as a Big Problem, is that i was grinding mindlessly. by that i mean that i copied artists i liked and i drew again and again stuff i was bad at, but i didn't think too deeply about it or analysed my own art to look for faster ways to improve it. i also don't take feedback well so i didn't ask for it either, which further slowed down my progress.

on top of it, that just made me better at drawing, not at illustration. i firmly believe that a good drawing is hard to ruin but i could have made my illustrations way more interesting if i had started going wild with colors and effects way earlier. i don't exactly regret my choices because at the end of the day it's just my hobby, and i've been praised for drawing a lot and for challenging myself to practise drawing traditionally, so i want this to be read as introspection rather than complaints!!

the reason why 2021 was a big change in my art is because in november i did this monstrosity:

i got an Android tablet to be able to draw in class and took the challenge alongside my friend Nico, who also did their own Huevember. hola si estás leyendo esto Nico, aunque lo dudo :) i can't say that any of the drawings made me better at anatomy, or composition, or colors. i can't say that they solidified my knowledge, either. but they planted a seed in my brain that would fully bloom in late 2022, which is the seed of hating the finished result of some pieces so much that i forced myself to improve.

everyone has their own motivation to get better at art and i've always thought that mine was a healthy one (i want to draw more lesbians, that's all). however, i've had a very solid 2023 and now i don't cringe at any of my pieces, plus i can notice any mistakes they have without wanting to delete them from existence - and i could only get there because at the end of 2022 i told myself i wouldn't make any more ugly illustrations. like, period. i didn't want to get anxious every time i had to look back on my own art.

i also learned that no ammount of compliments from others would magically make me like a piece i see as mid at best. of course, i appreciate every single nice comment i get (genuinely, i get very happy knowing that other people love my work), but gratitude doesn't fix a skill issue.

so, late 2022, many things happened. first i got cancelled on twitter over a drawing of my beloved mizuki from project sekai (this info will be relevant later). then i spent a whole month doing this other monstrosity that is to this day the best thing i've ever done. i haven't peaked it (yet):

this comic actually made me improve and solidify my skills. it wasn't a class assignment, or a collaboration, or anything more than a headcanon i shared with a friend - it was pure brainrot over Revue Starlight and it made me put all my cunt into it. this was also the point at which i started filling in blacks with the bucket tool instead of picking a very dark color, which is a big part of my current style :3

the thing about people cancelling me is that i had to distance myself from fandoms and eventually change accunts, which also affected how i perceived my own art. even if i draw for myself, at the end of the day i still draw characters that are loved by many people, so i disabled comments and stopped interacting with other artists of my fandom circles. that led me to go on hiatus at the start of 2023, knowing that it was time for a fresh start (my art accounts were 5 years old anyway).

that period of time made me think a lot about my finished pieces. since i wouldn't post them until i had a new account, i would stare at them for longer than ever or make small changes even if days had already passed. letting my mind rest from illustrations i had been working on and knowing i could change them whenever i wanted was a big step forward.

i realised that for the past years i had been in a hurry to post my drawings as soon as i was done with them instead of appreciating them. that was a turning point for my mindset. this was also past the time i decided to stop making ugly art, but i hadn't really taken any measures to get better. so i changed the wording of the challenge: i can make ugly art but i can't post it if i don't like it.

it doesn't sound epic, but for some reason it worked. every time i was in the middle of making a drawing that looked kind of ugly, i changed it until it looked right. not perfect, but good enough to avoid cringing in the future. some times i had to redraw it from scratch with a more interesting pose. some times i needed to add a background or a graphic element to make the characters pop. and somewhere on that period, i went wild with colors and effects, and a lot of times that saved a piece that would otherwise be boring.

i have to thank Revolutionary Girl Utena and Revue Starlight for making me experiment a lot during my hiatus. both pieces of media, one being the daugher of the other, give artists so many visual metaphors and interesting topics to work with. the revstar brainrot had been there since the junnana comic, but rgu was something i had been meaning to rewatch for a couple of years and it hit me like a fucking train. it also made me create one of the comics i'm the most proud about:

then i got into homestuck and my art got. well. stuck!! >D< but it was okay because i wasn't making ugly drawings anymore. i was putting into practise a lot of things i had been learning or experimenting with, especially regarding colors and character interactions. and the yuri was delicious hmmmmmmm.

the rest of 2023 was very linear in terms of art but not so much in terms of fandoms (?). which is fine, honestly, but i was also glad to get back into Fire Emblem: Three Houses in late that year because when i first got into it in 2019 i didn't have the skill to draw everything i wanted to draw. and i still haven't drawn all the yuri scenarios that i've been cooking in my mind, but i have until forever to do it!!

so for 2024 i want to study some stuff i feel i'm still lacking in. i think i've always had a good eye for composition, but i've never actually pushed it in my finished illustrations - they depend a lot on the poses because i've always been prioritising drawing over everything else. that needs to change this year.

i also want to get better at drawing characters from extreme angles. i've always felt like my poses are a bit flat and i think i can study photos taken with wide angle lenses to improve at that.

and of course i still want to draw faster, which is something i've always struggled with. i think i have a good rhythm of "producing" art (excuse me for the poor wording), but i'm still too slow for the kind of artstyle i want to achieve, which includes having a looser lineart and less details in irrelevant areas of the drawings. i think that overdoing the lineart actually hurts my illustrations, because everything ends up pulling the viewer's attention with the same energy. i also think messy artstyles are neat.

i promise i'm not crazy and i don't hate what i do. in fact, it's precisely because this year i managed to make some pieces with that kind of feel that i know where i want to aim. special mention to the junnana comic because i haven't been able to replicate that lineart ever since.

examples:

as for the stuff i like about my current artstyle, i definitely want to keep the way i color!! and by that i mean the method i have for applying filters that make my colors pop. i could maybe play more with textures too.

i also like the way i depict intimacy, and people have praised it too. thank you for noticing. it's the yearning that's doing it, not me. but i don't think i'll ever change the content (?) of my art, i eat breathe and speak in yuri. if anything, there are still some ways of conveying feelings that i haven't been able to draw because i lack the skill to do so, but i'll keep trying ;)

i honestly didn't expect this post to be this long. i've been writing for hours now and i'm not sure my thoughts are coherent for anyone that isn't me. i also can't grasp the idea that some people know me from fanart i did in 2016 while others started following me last month, time is wild and it's an extra dimension of complexity that i don't know how to account for when i write stuff like this.

but again, as i do with art, i've written this for myself. it's been nice to put my thoughts in order. i think i've only talked about art in depth with like 5 people and it's always been in casual conversation. no creo que estéis leyendo pero Nahia y Henar os amo y he aprendido mucho de vosotras.

thank you for reading until the end if you have. i hope you have not only a nice day but a nice year. let's meet again in the future.

[ishouldgetatumbler]

Hxh Ships:

Killua/Gon: You are my light. I could cradle you in my loving arms until the earth grows cold. I am going to spin kick you.

Meruem/Komugi: If you weren't such a fascist this could be such a beautiful love story.

Gon/Alluka: We are having so much fun! The trauma is inexorable. I love spending time with you! Sometimes I think about the things we've lost.

Kite/Pitou: Yes I murdered you but in doing so I destroyed the greatest thing I ever held and learned the value of you in retrospect so takesies backsies.

Killua/canary: I trust you with my life. I would give up everything for you. But no I wont go to bruce springstein with you.

Kurapika/Leorio: We fuck in a beat up SUV in a target parking lot at 2 am alot. Its alright but every time our mutual friends gather it is so awkward.

Leorio/Silva Zoldyck: I fucked your dad by accident but it means I win any argument ever so actually this is okay

Leorio/Zepile: Bro... I heard pineapple makes your cum taste better... theres no way... well... there is only one way to be sure... Let me cover my dick in pineapple and then... no. I shant say...

Illumi/Hisoka: Trying to figure out which one is more demented and psychosexually agressive is half of the fun, and the other half is kinky sex.

Kurapika/Hisoka: If you weren't such a bitch I could like you. If you weren't so sexy I could hate you. I will settle for rough sex and mindgames.

Ging/Razor: "Do you ever think two manly men could smooch and touch butts?" "no but now that I have it is all I long for."

Kurapika/Chrollo: Buisiness casual for hate sex. Love hate with anti-social twinks who love books.

Shoot/Knuckle: What! Bro jobs aren't gay? Bro, get over here! I need to give you a straight up gay sloppy sucking to ENSURE its gay this time.

Bisky/Hisoka: Fighting and fucking are 10% the same thing but with careful teamwork I believe we can raise this number

Palm/Mito: Hey. I got your text. Yeah the uhaul is loaded. I'm so sad I didn't get to say it first, but I love you too.

[zonedelicious]

Defending Ben 10 Alien Force Season 3 With My Life!

(An analysis of Ben's character and why I find it consistent up to this point)

This essay thingy is part one of a bigger project where I rewatch all of Ben 10 and look back on the series. A sort of retrospective.

Originally I wanted to watch all the shows, and then write one big post. But I decided to do it in parts to make it easier. And since the final season of alien force is largely hated, I thought I should focus on it specifically (since I have very different opinions than everyone on this).

Now when starting I did expect to see Ben's character be inconsistent, going from classic, to alien force, to season 3 of alien force. That is the popular opinion online and the one I had as a kid. Ben goes from childish kid, to mature teen, to an even more childish kid.

So I'm sure a lot of people are going to be shocked when I say that not only do I completely disagree with this perspective, I found Ben's character strangely consistent through both shows and I think he only becomes more nuanced and interesting by the end.

First I think most people who say Ben is either childish, or mature, or a psychopath, don't really know what these words mean, or don't even understand how Ben's character traits work.

(the psycho thing we'll get to in the next post since we haven't gotten to ultimate alien yet)

Does being mature mean you can't be petty or selfish sometimes? Does having negative traits automatically make you a child? This is the kind of flaw in ben 10 discussion I have noticed with this rewatch, we associate bad traits with regression and good traits with development. But that is very shallow way to look at fiction. Characters can have more than one trait, they can even have conflicting traits. And character development can also include negative development.

I think Ben's maturity is something that's greatly overstated, because his personality in Alien Force is a trait he has shown in the classic series many times. And by boiling him down to childish and mature Ben, it takes away a lot of the nuance he has as a character.

So enough about that, let's go back to the beginning.

Ben 10 (the original show)

The start of the series shows us that Ben is a kid who just wants to sit back and enjoy life, but hates bullies and wants to help others. And also he really loves his grandpa (this is a clue that will help us later).

Throughout the first season Ben struggles with being a hero. He struggles to differentiate helping people selflessly, and helping people because he gets a kick out of it. For a 10 year old his behavior is very realistic. Of course he wants to be seen as a big shot and be validated for his actions.

It isn't until Max is hospitalized that Ben finally realises the dangers of the world he's in. That's when we see Ben drop the hero act and turn into a scared kid. We see him at his most vulnerable. The first look at the real Ben.

Ben and Max fight a lot in the original show, but despite that Max is probably the most important person in Ben's life. Even more than his parents. And I think it's largely because Ben wishes he can be more free like his grandpa. Living in an rv and going wherever you want. So losing Max for 10 year old Ben is the worst thing that can happen to him. He not only looks up to grandpa Max, he idolises him and wants to follow in his footsteps. Which becomes more obvious once Ben finds out about the Plumbers. And now season 2 is about Ben becoming an even bigger hero.

The first season definitely has the most consistent narrative of the classic series. I think Ben doesn't really learn much until the movie. He does learn to be closer with his family, but there's no real challenge for him like the first season. People will say this is the show recycling his character arc, which I sort of get, but it's not the same to me. Ben isn't being challenged on the same level, he's just going through episodic cartoon plots. A lot of it isn't serious so Ben isn't really being serious. To him he's the cool alien with a badass grandfather and can solve any problem. It's all a fun adventure to him.

Even when he meets his future self the message is that Ben being a kid and having fun is what makes him Ben. It's future Ben who has to learn to have fun and be a kid again. A clever twist on the time travel trope.

Despite that Ben is shown to be more responsible with the hero stuff. He tries to help others not just by literally saving their lives, but also talking to them, or standing up to villains. Kevin being the best example. Ben tries to befriend him many times, but will also risk his own life to stop Kevin from hurting Gwen. Which at the moment Ben didn't even have the Omnitrix at the end of season 2. We see that despite being a kid he's also gotten braver.

Another note, Gwen and Ben have a pretty good relationship from the start. While they do fight it's never anything serious, they're just being kids and fooling around. The kind of childish arguments you forget in an hour. Yet they're very close and love goofing around together. You can tell that they care for each other despite the petty banter.

Of course once we get to the secret of the Omnitrix (the true ending of the first show imo) Ben's character is finally given its conclusion for the classic series. Here Max's role is swapped with Tetrax, Ben looks up to Tetrax in a similar way, and while Tetrax is friendly, he's also the guy who really knows how to get Ben to reflect on his actions. Once Ben thinks he has lost Gwen he is back to the scared vulnerable kid. We see all his aggression, how he blames himself, how all that weight is really hard for him to process at such a young age.

What's even better about this is how the movie starts with Ben causing trouble for Gwen and they get in a fight. But Gwen still sneaks into Tetrax's ship to help Ben. So losing Gwen is not only him losing his cousin. Ben's losing someone he felt responsible for. He's failing Gwen, himself, and grandpa Max all at the same time.

Of course Gwen is alive but it doesn't change that Ben has finally opened up about his insecurities and we finally get a full look into his inner self. Which brings us to...

Alien Force, the show that made Ben mature (or did it?)

Now remember everything I said about his character? Now think about the plot of alien force. Ben realises his grandfather is missing, there's an alien conspiracy that his grandfather entrusted him to solve, and even an old foe is there he needs to ally with.

Ben is essentially forced to take up the role of grandpa Max in the story. And for a 15 year old that's a lot of pressure to take.

I'd say Ben's character shift for Alien Force is not only organic, it's the natural follow up to his character arc in the classic show. As someone who's always seeking validation now finally being put in a position where he has to be the person he always looked up to. Sure the stakes were high in classic, but Max (and Tetrax) was always there to help and give Ben motivation.

There's an aura of tension early on as Ben still doesn't even trust Kevin. He doesn't understand the new Omnitrix or the new aliens. He has to watch max die and still keep his cool. Because he was trusted this role and can't let Max down.

I don't think Ben matured, he was forced into a role of being the mature adult at 15.

Even Ben's parents are mad at him for doing all this. As they should because Ben is still a kid. He shouldn't be risking his life. He should literally be at the club. The first thing he does before he puts on the Omnitrix again is talk to Gwen. Because he needs her help. And Kevin. Later from other plumber kids too. He isn't doing it all by himself, and he understands that he can't do it alone to an extent. But despite that there's still that urge to be the leader. The one who has to be in charge all the time. He wants to prove himself after all.

Ben's ability to befriend others, is ultimately his strongest trait in the first 2 seasons. It's what ends up saving the universe after all. Something that wasn't all that present in the original show, but can be seen through characters like Kevin, who Ben tried to help many times. And now he's his best ally.

A lot of this is very subtle, and some of it might even be my own interpretation of the story. I don't know if the writers intended all this nuance I'm describing. It is only interesting to look back and analyse it.

The mystery and the slow lumin threat of the highbreed is a good plot for Ben's arc of taking up responsibility. It's something he can't directly solve as easily as in the classic show. Where in the classic show any problem he faced was over in 1 or 2 episodes. All mystery was behind the scenes with him not being aware.

But now it's different. The mystery comes crashing into him. He literally got a football medal the same day he found out his grandfather has went missing because of a secret alien invasion that's been going on for a long time. Again the pressure he's put under comes at him suddenly and he has to adjust to it all in the moment. He's 15 years old.

And despite all odds Ben comes through and stops the invasion, saving the entire galaxy. With the help of all the people he befriended of course. Ben finally proved himself to his grandfather and to the entire universe that he is worthy of being a hero. In the classic series he showed he was a hero, but was still a kid who had learning to do. But now he proved he can stand on his own as a man at age 15.

So naturally Ben took a break.

The part where I shamelessly defend season 3 with my life

The shift for season 3 is off (especially when the first episode starts with an argument we have no context for) and I understand some of this was a mandate, yet I love it. It's a strange shift at first until you start to think what is actually going on in Ben's head.

He finally did what he always wanted to achieve. Become a great hero like his grandfather. The galaxy loves him. And all that validation is more than enough to tell him to relax for now.

Ben had to take a break after all the pressure that was placed on him. He needed a break. He needed to be a teenager again who watches cartoons and has fun. It's important for his mental health after all.

Of course this is a cartoon and he isn't real. But this analysis isn't about that, it's about trying to understand what kind of person Ben is.

Still i do not see how Ben is stupid or childish in these episodes. Relaxed and silly yeah, but in a teenager way, not a 10 year old Ben way. With the gold poop episode for instance I went in expecting to hate it, but now I love it. It's a decent mystery, and Ben's chill attitude makes sense for the situation. It's a celebration and Ben loves to party. Of course he'd be silly with the little aliens.

What I have noticed however is despite Ben being relaxed he's still pretty clever and mature throughout season 3. His quick thinking is actually a major part of this season. With it being directly referenced and even being how he saves the day at the end of the season. I did not expect the show to directly point out Ben's most useful trait and then focus on it durring what's basically his downfall arc.

To reference a few times Ben does this in this season:

In the vreedle episode, Julie emergency calls Ben and Ben shows up seconds later. He didn't wait to think, he arrived as fast as possible once finding out she's in danger.

In the episode where Ben is trapped in the null void without the Omnitrix, we see him actually surviving and doing smart things like covering himself in mud so he won't get spotted.

In the plumber kids episode, Ben is playing the role of the villain mastermind and he has to quickly adapt to the situation and train these kids while not breaking character.

In Charmcaster's debut episode, Ben calls out Kevin for not trusting Gwen. Ben being the mature one in this situation.

We see Ben hasn't changed at all from previous seasons. Season 3 having some of his best moments even. What has changed is the context and circumstances of his actions. He's trying to stay cool and simple because he wants to live his childhood stress free, even if the universe keeps calling him back over and over again, he wants to stay a kid. And that's interesting. We haven't seen that in ben yet. In the classic show he was trying to be a big hero. But now he's tired of all that weight on his shoulders.

Unfortunately the universe keeps calling for his return. The moment Ben tries to relax Vilgax is back. He has taken over 10 planets. And has killed the galactic enforcers trio (they are 100% dead he literally killed 3 side characters just like that). And Ben of course does the reasonable thing and tries to hack the Omnitrix yet again. With horrible results.

People try to use this as an example of Ben being dumb but you gotta realise he's panicking and not thinking straight, and the result is him causing a mess for himself and Kevin. The show is aware Ben is in the wrong here and his actions have consequences. The rest of the season will spend its time exploring Ben's actions and how his quick thinking is both his strongest weapon, as well as his biggest flaw.

Anyway the fight with Vilgax is brilliant and really shows how much Ben had grown. With the return of Diamondhead being both nostalgic and a great way to show his growth. As well as giving Ben another victory that increases his huge ego.

But I must also mention the visuals being beautiful themselves. Season 3 of Alien Force has a subtle upgrade in visuals that I never see mentioned. Everything is more colorful, backgrounds more interesting, the animation more smooth, and the storyboarding is simply wonderful. Don't know why people never talk about this. I guess it will ruin the narrative this is the worst season ever made because of like 4 boring episodes. But I digress.

Still apparently people hate this fight too and claim this scene RUINED Vilgax. How? The only argument I see is he got defeated too easily which.. Have you watched the classic show? Vilgax gets defeated in one single episode by a 10 year old. Vilgax is actually stronger in Alien Force if anything. I don't get how this ruined him at all.

Don't get me wrong. I also prefer his original design and personality. I think this was a poor choice to change him so drastically when the point was bringing back an old foe. But that doesn't mean he's weak. He's clearly stronger. He does a good job fighting Ben. And has even killed 3 characters that you'd expect wouldn't die considering they showed up in a ben 10k episode.

(remember when I said I will be fighting for my life here? I wasn't kidding)

The rest of Season 3 is very episodic ,which is an interesting shift from the previous 2 seasons since they didn't have to make it like this. They had more episodes this time too and cartoon network wasn't against plot or lore. So I'd say this was more of a creative choice than a mandate. Ben's more relaxed so we go back to less world ending threats. Which is good imo because the best standalone episodes are in this season.

Notably Gwen and Kevin get a good focus here (even Julie who should have been the 4th member). With Gwen's best episode so far is in this season. We get more character development for the other 3 protags. And it's very much needed.

Gwen I think didn't get much in the first 2 seasons. She did feel a bit of a downgrade from her classic self. Now however her rivalry with Charmcaster is back, she has her magic, and she has one of the best episodes in the season. The time travel episode is beautiful both visually and naratively, not to mention it's basically writen like a Doctor Who episode, and you gotta love that. But what I love more is how we see Gwen making a huge mistake. Gwen so far hasn't been writen with flaws, unlike Ben and Kevin she isn't given as much depth. So to have an episode that gives Gwen time to make a mistake and fix it, while showing all the effort she'd go through to help Kevin. It was very much needed. Her character deserves more moments like this.

Julie's relationship with Ben is given a bit of drama but in a way where they do communicate and aren't in anyway toxic. I hear this is when their relationship fell off but I don't see it. Their arguments are something Gwen and Kevin often have too and are only there to strengthen their bond. Julie definitely needs to be characterized outside being Ben's girlfriend though, but she's never in a position where she's just Ben's girlfriend. If anything her friendship with Gwen is given more spotlight. Her last appearance for the season being her hanging out with Gwen. Julie definitely deserved to be more than just a side character.

On the other end Kevin gets a huge upgrade with his story line being imo significantly better than what they originally had planned. Originally the story was going to have Kevin turn evil and I am grateful they saved that story line for a later season while this one builds up to it more organically. Here we see how desperate and insecure Kevin is. He even goes back to his more evil self at times. But never too much. His badness is due to his circumstances. He wants to turn back to human. He gets angry. He doesn't trust Gwen. He teams up with villains. But all because he's being pushed into being vulnerable rather than him turning evil suddenly. It's a good small arc that builds up to something bigger later.

As you can see I value character flaws as much as their positive traits. To me a character is less interesting if the story avoids giving them a human element. That's why the character assassination of Ben Tennyson that people talk about to me is one of the best things to ever happen to him.

One episode I HATED as a kid, but now love is the one where the gang go to an alien planet to solve a conflict between 2 identical armies. Kid me hated this because Ben kept messing up and there was no solution in the end. Now however I see the political genius that it is.

While I think this was meant to parody the political system of the US (one group being red and one blue doesn't make it all that subtle), i think the other message I got from it is showing the problems with white saviorism. Ben comes to a planet he has zero political understanding of, and decides he knows how to solve all their problems and can save the day in like 3 hours. Of course he won't and of course he'd end up making things worse.

If you're expecting things to actually be solved and characters to make logical and satisfying actions then this episode is definitely one of the bad ones. But for me, someone who likes to see how characters mess up and the story to collapse on them I really found this episode enjoyable. It's also just very funny. Ben comes off as very comedic to me in his attempt to be helpful and reasonable. He's not being immature but he's being very self centered and too up his own ass to notice that he's coming off as a dick.

I think that's what this season is focusing on. Not Ben becoming immature or childish as like a singular character trait he switches to. No, what the season is telling us is despite Ben being a great hero and a quick thinker, he's also easily able to fall into the arrogant asshole type if he doesn't control himself.

In the ghostfreak episode we even see how despite being his quick thinking self, he doesn't trust Gwen and Kevin as much as before. His ego is getting to him and others are taking notice.

Ben's behavior to me comes off as very realistic. I cannot hate a character who's flawed in a way that a real person is flawed. I don't see a switch in personality. I see one person displaying their traits in different ways depending on the scenario they are in.

So why people hate this season so much I will never understand.

Anyway let's talk about the worst episode in alien force.

Primus

Okay people you're right about this one. Primus sucks. It's bad. It's meaningless. It's confusing. And it's counterproductive for what it's trying to do. Honestly it feels like a rough draft of an episode before they actually start writing it.

Ignoring the fact that the concept itself is flawed, there's no time given to even show us Primus or make us understand it. And it ruins Vilgax's arc by giving him the Omnitrix WAY TOO EARLY. It kind of ruins the finale too since Ben giving the Omnitrix away is part of the climax of this season. Both Vilgax and Azmuth are pretty dumb this episode and it's weird watching them here. Vilgax is a bit better until he gets the Omnitrix and becomes dumb for no reason. Couldn't they just make it so Ben is the one with the key to activate the Omnitrix? Azmuth also what do you mean you turned into Rath to fight Vilgax instead of like way big? Ben isn't dumb in this one though. His trick to get back the Omnitrix is smart even though the way it was written is dumb. And we do get to see him vulnerable after losing the Omnitrix. Still this episode should have been replaced with something better and the show would have been better off for it.

This episode is brought up often because it is the weakest and if it was your impression of the season you'd think it's bad too. I don't even think Vilgax is bad this season but he definitely is poorly writen here.

So yeah this episode is very bad. Like couldn't they have replaced this with an extra Tetrax episode? That man deserves it.

Oh right Tetrax

Tetrax episode is peak fiction and I don't care about the haters. I'd argue it's one of the best episodes in the series and the fact we never got a follow up is baffling.

For starters Tetrax is Ben's real dad. Let's be real. He fills the same role as grandpa Max and so Ben has the urge to prove himself to him. That's why watching Ben fulfill the propercy of the diamondhead people and save Tetrax's planet is one of the most satisfying moments in the series for me. Tetrax destroyed his planet. He made a huge mistake that Ben could have easily made if he didn't have a mentor figure. And now once he sees he has an opportunity to bring everyone back he goes straight to shattering Ben into pieces with no explanation. (Tetrax pretty much is Ben without grandpa Max if you think about it)

This episode is a meme for the Jesus bits. but it works. It's good lore. And it's a great conclusion to a character arc and storyline.

The fact this episode is a follow up to Tetrax origin and incorporates a new alien into it is really smart. Obviously they didn't plan this at first so it's great when things work out like that.

It works as a Vilgax episode too because we see how big of a threat he is. Everyone's struggling to fight him, even Tetrax and Ben. He's not some pushover as people claim.

But more importantly Ben redeems Tetrax by saving the diamond people and that's something he wouldn't be able to do if he's some dumb kid. Ben is a true hero again in this episode. He sees what the threat is and he solves it with his quick thinking and courage. And I think it's thanks to Tetrax's presence that Ben is back to the more serious role, because he wants to prove himself to him.

(if only Tetrax had a bigger presence)

And now the ending

The ending is what made me want to take a different look at this season before rewatching because I remember how cool the Azmuth and Ben scene was. On a rewatch i was not disappointed.

For starters animation was really good and the fights with Albedo specifically were choreographed well. Kevin and Gwen were even using their powers in a unique way.

Then we have Vilgax weakening Ben by taking away Gwen and Kevin. Seems simple at first, but when you think of the narrative of this season you realise it's about making Ben vulnerable both physically and mentally.

And once Ben loses the Omnitrix he has a full mental breakdown and this entire sequence is one of the best moments in Ben 10 ever. The way he runs off into the forest. The small chat with Gwen. How he begs Azmuth for help. The little mutual understanding at the end of their argument. It's peak fiction at its most peak fictionest.

For the entire season Ben tried to relax, he tried to be more straight forward, not looking for others for help. But now he's back at being the vulnerable kid he was at the start of the entire series. And I think it's not just that he lost his powers that's hurting him, but that he's also taking out all the pressure he had building up inside. And now he's asking for others to help him.

This moment makes this season work for me. We see a deconstruction of sorts of the kind of person Ben is. Not mature or immature. But this kid who wanted validation until the pressure was too much for him. He tried to act cool like nothing happens. But then he messes up and he's the one who needed to be saved.

This emotional moment was what Ben needed to come up with a genius plan. Go to Vilgax's ship and activate the self destruct feature of the Omnitrix. Honestly I forgot about this part on my rewatch so it came out of nowhere for me. Ben making a bomb threat as his great 4d chest move? You just gotta love that. Remember he's got nothing on Vilgax right now. Vilgax can easily kill him. So for Ben to confidently come in and threaten to blow up the Omnitrix, that he cares about too, it takes courage.

If there's one thing I'd change about the ending it's bringing back Tetrax. He seemed like he would be a part of this and it would have probably mad the mental breakdown of Ben Tennyson more impactful if Tetrax was there too. Or maybe I love this minor character a bit too much. Maybe way too much I admit.

Conclusion

For me what sells season 3 of Alien Force is Ben's character downfall that builds up to this ending. It's not just that he becomes dumb and then is told to stop being dumb. It's that he's struggling in the role of hero. He's struggling to be both the serious badass and a goofy kid. And letting go of the responsibility and trying to act normal only created a different kind of pressure.

Ben for me is a character who was forced into a role he wasn't prepared for and we get to watch how that affects him. Naturally he will have shifts in how he acts. His environment will affect his behavior. That's just life. That's what being a teenager is like. You're always gonna be screwing up in one way or another. Ben's flaws in season 3 aren't about him being childish. He's not dumb or less mature. Ben still does smart things and is shown to care about Gwen, Kevin, Julie, Tetrax, and everyone that comes to his aid.

And of course his ideas and actions aren't always good. They can be stupid or selfish. And that's also fine. Because he's only human. And his humanity is what makes him Ben. Take that away and he'd grow up to become the Ben 10k who refused to transform back to human.

Most of this is my interpretation of events. Other people watching will have different takes. And that is fine. I'm fine with knowing I'm like one of 10 people who loves season 3 of alien force. I'm just here to write a different perspective and hopefully it will encourage more deeper readings of Ben 10 as a series. But mostly I'm fine knowing someone else read all this. So thanks for getting this far.

See you next time when I will be breaking down the neoliberalism of shadow the hedgehog the video game.

/jk

/or am I?

[viviennevermillion]

Benjamin Linus Trivia Headcanons

should i start writing for this fandom? would i get an audience from like, the 10 active lost blogs on tumblr.com? i can do reader-inserts and general stuff. have some random ben headcanons that live rent-free in my brain

warnings: some angst, mentions of child abuse (all my homies hate roger linus)

Ben learned to cook when he was still a kid. Roger didn't have a lot of interest in cooking anything and was probably fine living off microwaveable DHARMA meals and dry cereal. Ben often stayed over at Annie's house for dinner and learned early on how to manipulate conversations so they'd end with the adults giving him food or letting him stay for lunch or dinner because aside from that he didn't really get a lot of warm meals. Sandwiches were one of the first things he learned to make but it quickly evolved into complicated meals. He only ever cooked when his father was at work so Roger wouldn't demand to have some of the food as well and reprimand him if it wasn't to his liking. Ben eventually taught Alex how to cook.

Ben had the typical abused kid habit of hoarding stuff under his bed and wherever he could best hide his possessions in his room because he feared his father wouldn't approve of them or destroy them when he was drunk and enraged by a minor inconvenience.

This became a habit that continued way into adulthood. A lot of his drawers have secret compartment where he keeps items that aren't necessarily secret or vital to his plans but just a little more valuable to him than everything else he owns.

Ben became so used to lying as his default that after he becomes Hurley's #2 he has to actively correct himself. Hurley would ask him a question and Ben's immediate response is to lie before he goes "oh wait hold on-" and then says the truth.

After Alex dies, everytime he's in mortal danger he's struggling with the thought that now no one's going to remember the real him or hardly anything about him that wasn't based on a lie if he died

His favorite songs are "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel and "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra.

Has gone to Jacob's cabin at least once to rant about how much he thinks Goodwin sucks

One of those people who brush their teeth before breakfast

The thought that Jacob might not actually exist is definitely something that has occurred in Ben's mind and he tried to push that idea away everytime it creeped up on him.

Worst hay fever known to man. Is fine on the island but everytime he leaves it in spring or summer he has to pop 2 allergy pills a day to function normally

Has these cute little cat sneezes. People have definitely tried not to laugh about it in his presence.

He has never been held as a kid and it's very noticeable

Ben has been in many situations where his life was in danger but two of them include choking on cereal and attempting to teach himself how to drive after Roger refused to do it

Has never been drunk. Only over his dead body would he put himself into a situation where he's at risk of spilling all his secrets in an intoxicated state.

The music that plays in the bear cage when you earn a fish biscuit doesn't actually come from the DHARMA Initiative; it isn't in the Hydra Orientation video even though there's sound when they activate that mechanism. Ben added that music in retrospect for his own personal amusement. Definitely sat in the surveillance room snickering to himself whenever Sawyer got a fish biscuit.

He tried to draw an identikit of Jacob solely based on Richard's descriptions on more than one occasion.

[africanmorning]

This didn't happen very recently, but at some point within the past couple years I finally managed to see the first episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and man was that a huge perspective shift for me.

See, I've already seen pieces of ATLA before. When I was a kid, someone gushed to me about how good the show was and showed me a couple random episodes completely out of context. I hated it on sight, for pretty much all the same reasons I hated most other children's media at the time. If you had asked me then, I would have simply said that I thought the show was stupid. But after some time, I realized that no amount of "stupidity" explained the resentment and sheer anger that these shows, including ATLA, created in me at the time. The problem wasn't that the shows were "stupid," the problem was that the shows were fun.

Fun was not something I got to experience a lot of in my childhood. If I had to pick out a single, most defining aspect of it, I'd probably say either "anxiety" or "loneliness." For as long as I can remember, I knew that I had a lot of expectations that I needed to meet, and mistakes were not tolerated. You could say that I was a "high-performing, very well-behaved" child.

So, imagine, then, how I felt watching TV shows where the kids were silly, goofed off, and made bad choices that often resulted in nothing more than a slap on a wrist—all portrayed with a casual air of "These are children! This is what childhood is like!" Can you understand how infuriating that was to someone like me? To be shown, as far as I was concerned, a fake, fanciful lie? A lie that I was sure was even making my life worse, because it must be convincing children and adults that children are irresponsible fools, and if more adults knew that children could be responsible, and smart, and obedient . . . then maybe they would treat me better.

Over time, I grew less judgmental of ATLA and shows like it, but I was still pretty confident that it simply wasn't "for me."

The irony of this is not lost on me. Though I still haven't watched ATLA proper, from what I've heard about the show since, I was probably the exact kind of kid that many of the messages were intended for.

The problem?

Of the episodes I had seen, Zuko either was not in them, or played such a minor or out-of-context role that I learned nothing about him.

So, when I was in my mid-twenties, finally seeing Zuko in episode one as my roommate watched it in our shared living space, I was fascinated.

THAT was the character I had needed. THAT was the character I understood. Someone who had been molded into something unloveable. Someone who had no more power over it than wet clay has over the potter's hands. Someone who, deep down, knew this wasn't the right way to be, the way they wanted to be, but to be anything else would be to become destroyed. That was huge.

Because. Yeah. In retrospect, I was a fucking asshole as a kid, at least to other kids. But looking back, I also know that it was the only way I could be. In my isolation, it was the only thing I knew. And even then I knew that I was fucking up. I just didn't know how to change it. And once I finally got exposed to a wider world, saw that there were other possibilities, I did change. A lot. But it took a long time, and it was hard, because the same changes that would have won the approval of my peers, made me a better part of society, would have also destroyed me at home. The same things that made me unloveable also made me survive. I don't think I can explain the confusion I had for the longest time when interacting with other children. It went something like, "How can you be that way so openly, so happily, when I cannot? What is so different between you and I, that the same things that bring you joy could only ever cause me pain?" Even now, that unloveability still follows me. I once saw someone say that loneliness is self-fulfilling because others can sense the loneliness on you and are repelled by it, and I'm inclined to agree. It's no one else's fault. Of course they would be repelled by someone like me, who either clings so much that it's suffocating, or becomes so afraid of clinging that I become aloof and unreachable.

Anyway. Zuko is relatable, and seeing him has really recontextualized the entire series for me. It's kind of a relief, really. I know he gets a redemption arc, and I don't think a lot of characters I relate to in this way do. I've been holding on to those kinds of messages lately—the ones that tell me that I might have a future. Though, man, I wish I'd had an Uncle Iroh like he did, to hold my hand through everything and help me get to that better place in the end. Maybe things wouldn't be so hard now.

[levmada]

omg hurt/comfort dialogue prompt 2 with reader calling trans!levi their boyfriend for the first time akxjebajabda (sry for sending two asks in a row)

- 🥛

//transphobia theme | wc: ~1.0k

Without any conscious thought, Levi methodically and neatly washes the dishes, cutlery, and (particularly stubborn) pan you cooked dinner with. Warm suds soak his hands. He muses briefly that he’d prefer to wash dishes for a living than do what he does now—but today was the shittiest of all days to be fair.

Your date helped. Only a minor dark cloud hangs over his head now.

And these dishes. You protested, but he insisted after you insisted on doing all the cooking—after he told you what happened.

In retrospect, maybe he should’ve cancelled so that he didn’t make you feel like you had to cook for him. He’s sure he brought the mood down a little, but he chose to be selfish. He’d been looking forward to this all day (for good reason), especially after the shitty ordeal at work.

In fact, tonight with you became his sole motivation not to leave. To just walk out. Erwin, his boss, would’ve condoned it, let alone understood.

But he didn’t want to get behind. He also doesn’t want you to be his maid, so here he is.

Unfortunately, he begins to reflect on it again. He deals with some shit on a daily basis—arguably work hasn’t been bad since his birthday is coming up—but that’s just it. One of Levi’s coworkers took it upon herself to make goody bags for everyone in the office.

Between them, they were nothing more than acquaintances. It must’ve been embarrassing for her to ask his name, so she went to the transphobic piece-of-shit motherfucker, the kind of person that hides their shittiness well. He “doesn’t agree with Levi’s lifestyle”. Levi hates him.

But she didn’t know that. Scrawled across the silken ribbon in calligraphy, then, was the name that’s dead to him. He hadn’t seen it in so long that his instinct was to say she gave him the wrong bag. And then the sort of nausea that only comes about from a myriad of bitter, hurt feelings came.

Just an accident, though, on her part. She apologized profusely. Levi reported the guy to HR again.

You audibly sighed in relief when he told you that part. Even with the knowledge that nothing will change, Levi was comforted by your encouragement.

He blinks out of his thoughts as you giggle at something your friend Pieck said on the phone. You sit a ways behind him, at the kitchen bar. You have the fancy high-top seats.

He can make out a reversed mirror-image of you through the window in front of him, and the darkness beyond. It’s getting late, which means he has to leave soon. He feels dread at that.

His shoulders are hunched. He’s mostly transitioned (which makes the transphobia at work more frustrating), but old habits die hard.

He makes conscious efforts to relax as you nod. It’s not like Pieck and you are having a face-to-face conversation. It’s cute.

“Bowling? Oh, well…” You make rapid gestures in Levi’s direction. He quits scrubbing and peers over his shoulder in confusion.

You pin the phone to your shoulder and whisper, “Do you like bowling? Friday night maybe?”

“…Sure,” he blurts out, lying. He’s never been bowling before. And who hasn’t been bowling?

He can’t blame you for not knowing that since bowling Friday night would be your fourth date.

There’s been lots of kissing between back then and now, but that doesn’t mean much since it’s become a game between you, giving him “lessons”. A relationship, let alone this one, is a strange new world to him.

And he wants badly not to fuck it up. He feels shitty for lying as soon as you beam at him, but he can learn how to bowl. He’s met some of your friends, but he can get to know them better.

“I want Levi to come, is that okay? …Oh! He’s my boyfriend.”

He inhales. Pointedly, he turns his head back and fixates on the last of the dishes, but the moment simply doesn’t pass for him.

He’s so… proud? It’s hard to describe when something fundamental about yourself, previously wrong, goes right. His stomach is light. Boyfriend. Your boyfriend.

He’s got the dishes on the rack to dry before you get off the phone, but even then Levi doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He leans against the kitchen counter, and watching in silence as you scroll.

You don’t even mention it. Like nothing notable happened just now. Like you didn’t make his dysphoria and what happened today cease to be and matter. That, but more importantly, he’s your boyfriend.

…Maybe you were just saying that? ‘Boyfriend’ is more convenient than ‘the guy I’m going out with’. Maybe he’s overreacting, even though it’s a good thing.

Or no. That’d be worse.

No. Enough. He’s so sick of his head.

He asks, “What did… you call me before?”

You look up, blinking. “Hm…? Oh. Oh, ‘my boyfriend’? Sorry if that was too—”

“No.”

Finally, he takes action and pushes away from the sink, filled with a burst of longing and gratitude.

He rounds the bar, and stops in front of you with his fists loosely curled by his sides, gathering his wits.

“Say it again,” he requests, but does that sound too much like an order?

His cheeks warm, and then he says more quietly, “Please. Say it again.”

Your eyes light up with surprise, and then a fond smile breaks over your lips. “You’re my boyfriend, Levi.”

He thinks, in awkward fashion, that that’s the end of it before you open your arms and part your legs for him to stand in-between. You embrace him first.

And then kiss his hot cheek. “You’re my boyfriend.”

🏷:  @ms-longbeach | @sparkywrites25 | @notgoodforlife | @ackermendick | @mrsackermannx | @youre-ackermine | @lovolee3 | @spouse-of-the-rulers-of-hell | @yoongiluuvr | @the-milk-anon | @belovedackerman | @imkumichan | @sckerman | @nao-vel | @happybird16 | @promethiumcloud | @dstrong-18 | @levisgreyeyes | @lovolee3 | @son-of-a-banchi | +link to sign up

[nonclassyparty]

Starring Role - THE INTRO (C.S; S.MG)

Summary:

We’ve all read about the infamous player who falls in love with the good girl that manages to make him change his ways…but what happens to the other girl? The pretty, popular one that has warmed his bed before the good girl came along and took him away.

Well, no one cares about her. After all, she’s just a side character.

It almost feels like a joke to play a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart.

Warnings: only cursing for now

WC: 1.2k

A/N: listen, i wrote this like four months ago and i’ll post it now but the information of when the actual first chapter will be posted is between me and God. enjoy!

Taglist: @joonsthethicc @marievllr-abg @cookiechristie @purenjuniverse  @hwaist @littleparkseonghwa @hwasong @hwadump @hongshines @kitty4hwa @knisterlicht @flamingi @revehosh @gayliljoong @naiify     @btshook @atzcoke​

act i​

“Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

- Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I’m Home

Dear San,

I hope you know how much I hate you.

You probably never expected to receive a letter like this, just as I never expected to actually send it but anything can happen. I've learned that one too many times for my own good.

And the guy at the airport didn't charge me for the stamps so I decided to make use of his attempts at flirting to save the little cash I have in my wallet.

You're probably wondering why did I decide to open this up with such a harsh greeting. We were once, in fact, friends with benefits. Only we went short on the 'friends' part and fully indulged in the 'benefits' but that's all in the past. It's the now, and now, I'll try to explain.

Ever since the night I met you at that party in my freshman year of college, you have been the root of all my problems.  

San, do you know that two years have exactly seven hundred and thirty days in them?

Well, I have spent seven hundred and thirty long, excruciating days wanting you. I have felt the foolish need to impress you in every single way for those seven hundred and thirty days even when you were taken. Which, in retrospect, is kind of fucked up but my moral compass is always pointing in the wrong direction when you're involved so I'll forgive myself for that.

I have made myself seem smaller and tried to fit in with your shitty group of friends that thought I was too stupid to understand the silent jabs they threw at me every chance they could get. I have dragged myself around filthy mechanic shops, gross bedrooms of your frat house, absolutely disgusting public toilets of bars and clubs that I would only step into over my dead body. I have put up with your insults over my music taste and the movies I like. But above all, I have put up with you thinking I was a vapid, dumb bimbo that was only looking after her credit card.

I did all of that for seven hundred and thirty days and while I did it on my own terms, I did it all for you.

So, imagine my surprise and almost blinding rage to, halfway through those seven hundred and thirty days, see you fall in love with some basic, painfully average goody-two-shoes that had a weird superiority complex because she didn't know the difference between foundation and primer.

Son Boyoung.

God, even her name makes you want to doze off.

But this isn't about her. If you're really in love with her and the two of you get back together then I hope you enjoy the time you spend being emotionally unavailable with her as well, having lots of mediocre, vanilla sex and worrying about her parents not liking you because trust me, that will happen.

This is about me and you.

Before I start, you weren't the bad guy here. You were just the ignorant, prideful one.

I, on the other hand, had very little pride to begin with so... just want to make that clear. You're not the only one at fault. And I'm not blaming you for any of it, well...at least not all of it.

Let me just state that while you were the only guy I have ever been in love with, you were also one of the worst mistakes out of many.

But this isn't a revenge letter. More so, an explanation letter and maybe even a 'thank you' letter if you look at it from the right angle.

If it wasn't for you ditching me two days before my Computer Science midterm when you promised to help me out, Kim Hongjoong would've never found me in the corner of the library that afternoon and I never would've gotten to know him as well as I did.

If I hadn't met Kim Hongjoong, he would've never introduced me to Professor Ahn who was the one who helped me out the most with my degree and in the end, was the one who helped me decide just what kind of artist I wanted to be. She helped me find myself.

If I wasn't stumbling on the top floor of your frat house looking for you, I never would've caught Wooyoung in the compromising position that I did and it never would've led to the blackmailing situation between the two of us which never would've ended with me finding my first true friend.

And it wasn't a blackmailing situation per say, but in Wooyoung's head that's what it looked like at the time. He's a bit dramatic.

If it wasn't for you being so lovey-dovey with your girlfriend right in front of my face, I never would've kissed Song Mingi in that closet. I definitely don't regret that, even with everything that happened afterwards.

If it wasn't for the conversation I've overheard between you and your friends, I would've never lost the last bit of my permanent sanity and I definitely never would've lost my shit in front of my parents like that. Do you know just how much trauma has to be thrown in the faces of parents who care more about family image than anything for it to result in getting kicked out of their house?

If you kissed me the last night we had sex, I never would've called in to confirm the one-way ticket to Paris. So thank you for not kissing me.

During the last seven hundred and thirty days, I admit that there were times where I wondered why did all of this have to happen to me out of all unlucky souls.

Why did my brother suddenly hate me for following my dream. Why did my parents have to choose my partners for me and why was everything with them treated as a transaction. Why did my mother have to be so obsessed with the way I look. Why was nothing I do ever considered enough. Why did I think of broken mechanisms when I looked into the mirror. Why was I instantly the villain just because I liked pink and was a little sharp on the tongue to a girl who thought she was better than me because she listened to underground, indie bands that seemingly no one else cares about. And, above all, why did I have to fall in love with a boy who I knew would never love me back.

Need I go on? I should, I have a lot to say honestly. That's what keeping shit bottled up for so long does to a person.

And you're probably thinking 'aw, poor little rich girl, what does she know about real life problems' like you always do and you might be right. In the grand scheme of things, my parents not loving me and people finding me annoying is quite literally nothing.

But I was always a little bit self-centered and maybe I sometimes wished the world revolved around me a bit more. Which means that my problems are very much valid and honestly, I'm tired of people like you brushing them off.

While I'm writing this at the airport (we came almost two hours early because I have a fear that we will miss our flight) Wooyoung is telling me to hurry. We don't have much time left.

But I guess that's how my story starts, and just like every other, it starts with you. And that's how you like it best, isn't it?

Thank you.

-Y/N

P.S. If you're planning on showing this letter to your buddies so you can laugh it up, go ahead- because I'm well past the point of giving a fuck. But if you do, make sure to pass a message from me to Yeosang.

The message goes:

Fuck you.

[kiefbowl]

how do you deal with being a lot smarter/ having your brain work in a different way than most people? I see you get bored at work quickly. How does it translate in interpersonal relationships? Do you make friends easily (real friends, not acquaintances you are friendly with)? was it hard finding a partner that could keep up? Do you find most people boring rather fast? Do you spend more time by yourself, in hobbies that don't require too much contact with other people? just curious as it seems we work the same way for a lot a things.

Hmmm...I don't think I'm "smarter" than most people, I think I have a high efficiency in logic, and I had a lot of good opportunities to be exposed to many different topics in my education, including philosophical topics like epistemology (how do you know something) that are helpful tools. I don't think the things I've learned require any innate intelligence to understand, in fact I think most people could understand given the opportunity. I think in retrospect my logical prowess (brag) had a downside of me being rather rigid and also sometimes assuming something I believed came from logic rather than belief, especially religion when I was a teen. In any case, that's something I'm better at now. I'm also more comfortable than ever going "I don't know." Also, once you get to that point of being comfortable saying "I don't know", you learn quickly how much you're saying it. Fucking don't know anything really lol.

I get bored easily because most people do. Frankly, you just have to lower your expectations at work. You're not going to get to do the things your best suited for all the time. I'm making a switch into a high paced, high pressure career because honestly I've learned about me that I thrive in that condition. I hate having nothing to do at work, it feels like a waste of my time. When I have a job that asks me to have 6 things in my head at once, I do great. When I have a job that asks me to get one thing done, then get another thing done, I get neither done because I'm on tumblr all day procrastinating. Sometimes to figure out who you really are you just have to do a bit of everything for ten years, it's fine.

I make friends fine, there's some struggle because I love really intimate conversation the most, and I find that hard to ask for lately. Also, you get older, parties are fewer and far between. People just have things to do, so you have to find your own thing to do, too. It's better investing in classes and skills than going out to drink every weekend, believe me (or don't).

My bf and I are different in a lot of ways. Our relationship does not always look like the relationship I had in my head when I thought of my "dream relationship" and that's okay. I don't know if he "keeps up" with me, he doesn't have the same skill at debate as me tbh and sometimes he doesn't even try cause he knows I'll win, which isn't very satisfying for a debater (me lol). But life's not just about winning arguments, sometimes it's about hanging out and watching tv together and walking the dog. I think he's taught me that making everything an intellectual exercise is actually exhausting and sometimes it's nice to just say well I guessed I liked that and not think much else. I have other people to pick apart media and politics with.

No, I find people endlessly fascinating. People have better stories than I could ever dream up in my head. I love people. I want to cozy up with anyone in a little cafe and hear their life story and pick their brain apart. Even if I end up disliking them, it's fun to armchair psychoanalyze them in my head lol.

Ehhh, lately yes I spend a lot of time by myself. I don't know if I'm happier that way or that's just how it's shaked out after the pandemic, but I'm much more comfortable being alone than I was as a teen. Even in my relationship, we just sometimes do our own thing in the same space, and I like that more than ever. However, I am hoping my new career will get me in contact with lots of new people. I've said this before not too long ago, but I personally think if your friendships are getting stale, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or them, you just need more variety in your life. You have to miss them sometimes to make the relationship stronger. I also have someone I've been getting closer too lately in the past few weeks that I'm excited to extend a more intimate request of friendship soon. I hope she'll say yes to brunch I really want to talk to her more and want to be close friends with her :)

Anon, I'm glad you can see something in me that reminds you of you. Hold on to that as proof that people like you are out there, and you probably have more things in common with all people than you might realize. Also, you will change. Things change. I'm not old but I'm older, and I can tell. When being a homebody gets boring, you'll become a social butterfly. When that gets stale, you'll become a homebody again. It's the way of things.

Good luck sis :)

[goron-king-darunia]

Eggtober Retrospective by @goron-king-darunia Well, there they are. Every egg-related piece I drew in October, along with the behind-the-scenes or in-progress pictures, including bonus art. Individual links will be at the end of the post. I’m gonna get sappy here, but first, a poem to tie this whole thing off before I get into the details some may want to skip. Poem for an Egg An egg is such a simple thing. Child of beasts of scale and wing. Let from this verse my praises ring, A poem for an egg. Yolk of gold in chest of white Armor crackling, feather-light. Wet albumen shining bright From a calcium-cast keg. Coated tongue with holy wine Protein and rich fat combined Sunlight nectar so divine To stain the humble bread. Toothsome sponge of firming yield, Heated skillet firmly sealed. Poached from out the plundered field, Plucked from feathered bed. Broth of life in fragile cradle, Font of youth of myth and fable, Decadent and smooth like sable, Anointed and alone. Nourishment of king and peasant Harvested from hen or pheasant. Such is nature’s oldest present To nourish flesh and bone. An egg is such a precious thing From which my inspirations spring And for the world I’ll proudly sing This poem for an egg.

Now, a little on what eggs and Eggtober mean to me as an artist. Eggs are symbolic of a lot of things. But I’ll go over the particular symbolism that felt relevant and inspiring to me. Youth - Obvious on the face of it. One way or another, baby organisms of any sort of complexity start as an egg. Baby chickens come from eggs. Fairly direct symbolism. But for me, Eggtober was connecting to a younger time in my life, where art was just something natural. Where I wasn’t pressured by my own expectations or burdened by a lot of the fetters that come with visual art. It was about connecting with that feeling of whimsy. Even my personal projects started carrying a weight of expectation to them, even though I swore to myself that the quality didn’t matter. The level of skill I achieved with art had me in that sort of Valley of Despair in the whole Dunning-Kruger graph. I knew enough to know that I had so much growing left, and my confidence fell through the floor. But Eggtober was a chance to connect with the confidence of youth, and grow the skills I’ve been nurturing that went to atrophy over nearly a decade of no (or very little) art. To just draw what felt right, learn, examine, look, tweak, practice, and grow. No external judgements. No internal judgements. Just making. And I think that’s helped me a lot.

Looking Beneath the Surface - I’ve been forced to do a bit of introspection recently. As is the human condition, I inevitably end up harming people I care about. And while a certain amount of that is unavoidable, the stuff that is avoidable stems, in part, from unaddressed self-esteem issues. Through a combination of examining my own writing, discussing with friends, and examining things that have hurt me when they ought not (i.e. I burst into tears for “no reason” because a Hershey bar had the phrase “treat for me” on the back as part of its marketing) I’ve realized that I... kind of hate myself. I have this deep-seated unease about facets of myself that I’m ashamed of. Things I think people wouldn’t accept, fears I have that I know aren’t true, anxieties about my own interests, doubts about my own capabilities. Things about myself that don’t really hurt anyone, that don’t need to be changed, upset me.

It got to the point where I was inadvertently hurting people in a desire to medicalize my own idiosyncrasies to validate them because as a psychology student, I’d internalized a pretty unhealthy “If I can name it, I can fix it” mentality. “If I can just associate this thing I hate about myself with a known disease, disorder, or mental illness, I can totally just get rid of it with the right treatment (that I don’t have access to for a variety of reasons)” And that’s not a healthy way to think about myself. Especially not about things that don’t hurt anyone. Doubly especially when those are just little things I enjoy in fiction. Things that don’t really indicate anything about me on their own. 

That festering self-hatred probably stems from a lot of external sources, but ultimately, it’s the fact that it’s sitting inside me, unaddressed, that it’s become a problem. I internalized a lot of external influence meant to hurt me and decided that because others wanted to hurt me, that I deserved to be hurt. I decided that instead of examining any of that, to just accept it wholesale and that instead of changing things (which I didn’t want to change and don’t need to be changed because, again, these things don’t hurt anyone) I decided to cope with self-deprecation. Like putting on a red shirt before going on stage, expecting tomatoes. “You can’t hurt me more that I’m already hurting me. If I tell you I already know there’s something wrong with me, you can laugh with me and not at me.” Needless to say, I know that stuff isn’t healthy, and I’m more aware now that it hurts other people, not just me. For a variety of reasons, I can’t get professional help right now. But knowing at least one root of the behavior that hurts me and hurts others means I can address it. And being able to look inward will be key to growing as I move forward. Just as an egg holds a white and a yolk, my body houses a mind and its thoughts. Being able to look within and see what’s there, like candling an egg, will help me root out things that hurt others and affect my quality of life. Food and Community - I wanted to stick with an edible theme, partly because I like food, but also because food means community. Unless you’re a hermit living alone in the mountains and living off wild berries and roots, it’s basically impossible to eat something that hasn’t involved other humans in the process. Even if you cook your own food and eat all by yourself, someone picked those veggies, gathered those eggs, butchered that meat. And usually, eating isn’t something you do alone. There are reasons that going out to eat is a common activity to do with friends and dates and family and why food is a part of special occasions. Eggtober, as a challenge, was something we did together. Whether you only participated once or twice, whether you just watched, whether you did an egg every day like @quezify. It was a uniting factor. And even though lots of people have decided the plague is over, it really isn’t. And even if it was over, those years of isolation and limiting togetherness for the good of the community was rough on a lot of people. Doing something together is just nice.

Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time? - I’ve always been an absolute slut for pink Pokemon. And while I characterize myself as more of an Audino, I really vibe with Blissey for this. “Blissey senses sadness with its fluffy coat of fur. If it does so, this Pokémon will rush over to a sad person, no matter how far away, to share a Lucky Egg that brings a smile to any face.” “Anyone who takes even one bite of Blissey's egg becomes unfailingly caring and pleasant to everyone.” More than anything, I want to live a life of kindness and making others happy. I’m not always able to live up to that. But I strive for it. Various media characterize various things as nourishing and nurturing. And while the poster-child food for that in the USA seems to be Chicken Soup, the egg is only a degree or two removed from that. And while the best known pop-culture reference on this site which uses the egg as a short-hand for affection has been memed to hell and back, I think it has more sincere implications in my art. Even if it’s only one person, I just want to make this world a little better for someone. I want to be kind, patient, nurturing. I want to embody love. I know I’m only human. I know it can’t always be unconditional. And I know I can’t always be the best me every moment of every day. But I hope if there’s a stat sheet at the end of life that my metric for kindness, compassion, and love is my highest stat.

Final Thoughts: Eggtober’s been an artistic adventure. I learned a lot about the raw mechanics of making art, trained my eyes, my hands, refined my process. But it’s also been emotional. I’ve been crying writing some of this. Growth is a series of small steps and consistent choices, and I’d like to think I’ve come out the other side of this month a markedly better person than I was before, in more ways than one. I’m no stranger to sadness and depression. In fact, in terms of Pixar’s Inside Out, I’d pretty soundly say I’m “Captained by Sadness,” as the visual metaphor goes. But even with things outside my control, even with the crying, even with the concretely bad day, October was a good month. In no small part due to drawing for Eggtober. I’m a characteristically weepy bitch, so not all of these tears are sad tears. But there’s definitely a melancholy setting in. It’s been nice doing all this, and it’s a little sad for it to be over. But there’s also relief. I can get back to a few other projects I put on the backburner. I can free up brainspace for other creative pursuits and I can be a bit more spontaneous. There’s also an overwhelming joy that comes with being able to see I completed something. Just putting everything together into one collage to see all I’ve made was an emotional endeavor. Being able to put something out there in the world and say “I made something. Something that didn’t exist before exists now, because of me.” I’m trying not to cry because it’s over. I’m trying to smile because it happened. We all did something great together. I don’t think I’ve had a happier month, even with everything. Thank you to everyone who participated. This was a wonderful experience. My askbox is open for anyone that might want to put in an egg request, even if Eggtober is over now. If you all have any favorites, I’ll consider setting up shop and running prints if you want to support me. But until then, I hope you all are safe, fed, warm, and loved. All Eggtober Art, in order, Left to Right, Top to Bottom: Eggtober 1 - Fried Egg Eggtober 2 - Deviled Eggs Eggtober 3 - Toad in the Hole Eggtober 4 - Eggs Benedict Eggtober 5 - Hard Boiled Eggs 3 Ways Eggtober 6 - Poached Egg Eggtober 7 - Soft-Boiled Eggs Eggtober 8 - Scrambled Eggs Eggtober 9 - Mushroom and Cheese Omelet Eggtober 10 - Bibimbap Eggtober 11 - Tonkotsu Ramen with Egg Eggtober 12 - Avocado Toast Eggtober 13 - Çilbir or Turkish Poached Eggs Eggtober 14 - EGGxperiment (Naked Egg) Eggtober 15 - Scotch Egg Eggtober 16 - Tamago Nigiri Eggtober 17 - Ikura Nigiri Eggtober 18 - Egg Salad Eggtober 19 - Mooncake (Featuring Salted Egg Yolk) Eggtober 20 - Minimalist Shakshuka Eggtober 21 - Huevos Rancheros Eggtober 22 - Impressions of Broccoli Quiche Eggtober 23 - A Cube of Egg Casserole Eggtober 24 - Tamago Kake Gohan Eggtober 25 - The Imposter or “The Egg Plant” Eggtober 26 - Century Egg or “Beyond Reach” a Starbot Fanart Eggtober 27 - Soy Grilled Quail Eggs Eggtober 28 - Pickled Egg with Radish Slices Eggtober 29 - Cloud Egg Eggtober 30 - Halloween Meringues Eggtober 31 - Cadbury Screme Egg

Eggtober Bonus 1 - Intermission Collaboration Eggtober Bonus 2 - Sushi Eggs Eggtober Bonus 3 - Zucchini Egg Casserole Behind the Scenes 1 - Bibimbap, But Just the Veggies (Under Cut) Behind the Scenes 2 - Avocado Toast, Emphasis on the Tomato (Under Cut) Behind the Scenes 3 - Starbot Fan Art without Pixelation (Under Cut)

[jaelijn]

Fic Writer 2023 Review

Based on this. I always want to do annual reviews but then don't get around to them and then it feels weird doing them in February, so here we go for once. Under a cut because long (There's 30 things and I ramble. Not sorry.).

1. What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

I suppose that I wrote a fic from Blake's POV counts. I didn't have a big plan for trying something new for Whumptober this year, but I always find myself doing it because everything starts to feel stale if you write 30 fics in so short a timeframe. So the POV was supposed to be what I tried with that fic, but the fic got away from me a bit, so in retrospect the unusual (for me) POV feels comparatively insignificant. There was also more Jenna this year - I think I'm getting there, so yes.

2. How many fics did you work on this year? (They don’t have to be finished or published!)

I have no idea. I have a very long list of WiPs that I am sure I have added a sentence or two across the year, or maybe I just opened them, fixed a few typos and closed them again, and then I have a few handwritten things that I haven't typed up yet. But *at least* it's 35 published things (31 of which are Whumptobers) and the longfic, so 36. Put like that, it sounds terribly prolific.

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

I enjoy creating without expectation - immersing myself in the longfic with no idea when it will be done or how long it will get was terribly freeing. The downside is that I also realised that I'm not really intrinsicly motivated to post and share anymore, or at least that thought generates no positive pressure at all because scales. It would be really easy for me to never post another fic right now, but I'm not stopping writing.

4. What piece of media inspired you the most?

Always and ever, Blake's 7. There's nothing else that makes me want to write right now.

5. What fandom(s) did you write for this year?

Accordingly: Blake's 7

6. What ship(s) captured your heart?

Avon/Vila. Though they had me already.

7. What character(s) captured your heart?

See above.

8. Did you write for a new fandom or ship this year?

No. Since a lot of my writing, Whumptober aside, went into the longfic, I didn't do much experimenting - not even during Whumptober, really.

9. What fic meant the most to you to write?

Longfic aside, because as ongoing project that obviously matters, possibly Wet Towels, because it feels like I nailed a tonal direction I want to go in with my Avon/Vila.

10. What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?

By far, the longfic. Some of the Whumptobers were just the right kind of painful, but the most joy creating - yes, the longfic.

11. What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing?

Impending Destiny. I know I keep harping on about this fic, and maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's the best oneshot I've written this year and everyone else hates it, but it was so intense to write and so satisfying.

12. What fic was the most difficult to write? Did you finish it?

I did a few "second takes" on Whumptober this year, so I guess those and no, but then again the second take wasn't difficult, I just wasn't happy with the first and haven't touched those since. Fic I stuck with, possibly either Ghastly Aftermath, because ouch (it's difficult to write while you're crying at your own writing, all right?) , or Mistaken Trust because the final scenes were difficult to get right.

13. What fic was the easiest to write?

Nothing strikes me as particularly easier than the rest, really, but then what published writing I've done has been mostly in my comfort zone either way. So I guess all of the ones that weren't difficult?

14. What were your shortest and longest fics this year?

With Every Single Kiss has literal drabbles, so that, though all of the drabbles together are longer than my shortest oneshot. Longest is the ongoing longfic (duh) currently sitting at approx. 91k.

15. Rec a fic you wrote or posted in 2023

I am once again begging you to read Impending Destiny, lol. But if that isn't you're cup of tea, try Mistaken Trust or Spun Gold.

16. What were you go-to writing songs?

I didn't have many, this year. There's usually at least one or two, but I had a weird year with music, I feel, with few new songs that I really fell in love with, so there's been lots of playlists on shuffle and there's no song I could point to.

17. What were your go-to writing snacks?

I don't really snack when I write for fun, and I've had to cut down on my chocolate intake, so unless it's a chocolate praline, none.

18. What was the hardest fic to title?

Is "all of them" an answer that's allowed? I guess I could say Free Fall, not because of the fic, but because it was the first Whumptober and I was trying to figure out the "title format" for the rest of the Whumptobers. (I don't know if anyone has noticed that the Whumptobers have had title formats for three years now, but either way...) Other than that, the no-longer-so-untitled longfic was the one I put most thought into titling, but I'm not telling yet.

19. Share your favorite opening line

So... the thing about Whumptober is that it makes you *incredibly aware* of opening lines, or the format of opening lines. I try not to start all of them the same way, but I also tend to... slip into self-referential facetiousness doing that, in that all of them become funny when considered side by side.

I suppose "Avon was high." and "When the rebel forces of Carin IX finally managed to fish Avon out of the river, he was drenched to the bone." still amuse me (Spun Gold and Wet Towels, respectively).

20. Share your favorite ending line

Now I have to open all of them again, haha! Uh, let's do a not-Whumptober for once:

But lying curled up in the embrace of his most trusted companion, his link with and buffer against the world, Avon sometimes wondered whether it had been a curse at all. (The Price, from R&F #7)

21. Share your favorite piece of dialogue

Uh... spoiler for Impending Destiny, but I keep it vague and not post the whole thing?

“Whoever said that love is the most powerful force in the universe was a bloody liar,” Avon spat, “or a colossal fool. [....]"

22. Share an excerpt from your favorite scene

Oh for... just... just read Impending Destiny, okay?

23. Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

Oof, I guess the final lines of Mistaken Trust. It would have been so easy to just let them hug and kiss but Avon resisted and once that line was there I had to do something with it that didn't feel unkind to Vila in a plot that... wasn't kind to Vila. I think I managed the balance and once Avon had said no I didn't want to go back to the easy ending, but it wasn't easy to get right.

24. What’s something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?

... Impending Destiny. It was supposed to be a fix-it fic!!! It's... not a fix-it anymore. The shift was so striking that I made a tumblr post about it.

25. What did you use to write? (e.g. writing programs, paper & pen, etc.)

Word and paper & pen, very occasionally a note app on my phone. All of the Whumptobers had a paper version before I typed them, but I've only written snippets of the longfic on paper. I enjoy not writing at a screen every now and then, but it *is* slower.

26. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

I don't know, because my writing has been so unevenly balanced (very slow but steady progress for most of the year and A LOT of writing in September/October). I suppose finishing the Whumptobers again? Or perhaps when I realised that the longfic was going to be longer than BDaS without it feeling forced.

27. Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic?

No. Once the longfic is done, maybe I will.

28. How did you recharge between fics?

Recharge? What's that? Or rather: between fics? What's that? Hahah.

I know what I would have *liked* to do, which is read a fanfic once in a while, but there's not much new out there to my taste these days. I guess watching other shows counts. I have resorted to rewatching B7 as final measure.

29. If this were an awards show, who would you thank?

The numerous people who kudosed, the few people who commented, @oxideblack for the incredible art and for the appreciation of my fics from their circle of fans, @quordleona03 for the inspiration, and @comarum and @foreignobjecticus who know why.

What’s something that you want to write in 2024?

Ah, it would be nice to finish the longfic this coming year. But I'm not making any plans. With how I feel about the sharing & posting, I'm counting it as a win if I don't lose my motivation entirely.

[horizon-verizon]

Something that bothers me about DotD is that I feel GRRM doesn't help his case much if he means the reader to sympathize with Rhaenyra's cause despite her shortcomings with the nature of the trajectory he chooses for her downfall. Now I'm not at all saying it's wrong to show her as flawed person, with hints of era-typical bigotry. But her acts against Nettles etc. make a reading that she wasn't good enough to support her after all not uneasy, leading to sexist implications considering the theme.

*EDITED POST* (5/4/24)

Found this lovely post by la-pheacienne HERE, explaining how Rhaenyra's tragedy is an ancient Greek on as well, how Rhaenyra became what she was.

It's strange. The Dance is both very very simple, yet it presents interesting questions.

ESPECIALLY SINCE WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS BOOK, IN-WORLD, WAS WRITTEN WITH THE IDEA THAT FEMALE-RULER=BAD RULER=BAD-FOR-THE-REALM!!!

It's a story of two very flawed factions (one still, I think, in the actual wrong) vying for power, but it essentially is the bloody catalyst for the need of sets up the death of the dragons and Daenerys'/Rhaegar's existence in Westeros--Dany's being Azor Ahai!

Rhaenyra unequivocally relied much on on her posiiton and class privilege to carry her through, as many female rulers and nobles would because without it they cannot hope to have the power they often are denied. But bc this privilege comes with the price of some level of compliance with the status quo AND can make one develop forgo looking at things apart from one's survival or dignity, it can also lead us into hurting others like Nettles who would have actually helped us succeed.

"Nature" vs Nurture--Doylist 'nature' vs Watsonian 'nurture'.

What makes a person who they are? Their environment and history (the parameters and foundations for their decision-making), or just their decisions? Where is the line between showing a woman affected by her lack of political training (but still having to self-determine red/black dress moment and her drawing strength from her Valyrian heritage) AND showing her fairly as a person in her own right with many flaws? OR where do we realize that we ourselves are subject to making arguments based on principles we haven't learned are sexist in themselves?

And I am not a mother, so I don't know what it's like to lose not one but two kids in quick succession and under a year. There was a clear choice on GRRM/probably really Gyldayn/the story-teller's, part in making Rhaenyra seemingly "incapacitated" to be involved with politics after KL until Daemon left and she was left with the envious Mysaria (our Iago-figure) to have her fears played on.

We have to remember that this account is the least well-documented in F&B and the one with the most deliberately unreliable narrators with agendas in presenting some characters, esp Rhaenyra, a certain way. Septon Eustace writes Rhaenyra stuffed her face with pies AND that she cut her hand on the throne so the throne must have rejected her after landing in KL. This is most likely a retrospective exaggeration of the real situation out of spite AND plain slander, because:

even if she were eating a lot, it'd most likely be depression/grief/stress-eating and she had a lot to be worried about, her 2 sons died, PLUS she'd maybe eat her fav foods to feel more at the home that always should have been hers

we already heard the writers fat shame her for not putting off her pregnancy weight -- sexist patriarchal body standards ignoring real health & anatomy/medicine to affirm itself -- meanwhile Helaena & Aegon the Elder both were plump-fat, and we hear of no insults or repetitive notes about them?!

Eustace really hated her probably for not using him as he wanted her to or what he was used to as Viserys, Viserys' courtiers, & Alicent most often did PLUS Rhaenyra was ultra-femme, but was not demure nor pretended to be -- again, sexist standards of feminine behavior or presentation

Aegon IV was as unworthy a leader as anything we ever see in Westeros...yet we hear nothing of the throne cutting him...Aenys I? Maegor, and not in his death!; it's a chair made of literal swords...people are going to get cut; OR it never happened bc Rhaenyra was wearing armor at the time -- basically superstition needs to be logically analyzed before we go "that's symbolism!"

A) GRRM Othellos Rhaenyra...Kinda. I just See some Things that Remind Me of the Play

Here, we know Rhaenyra definitely ordered Nettles' death, this isn't a Gyldayn invention or misunderstanding for the "Othello-ing" I name. It is narratively important that Rhaenyra become a tyrant not bc she was an evil person or stupid from the jump, but because she is an example of one who didn't manage to work through her own fear, grief, and paranoia (caused by the system's constant failures against her) to do as Dany did and rely on compassion instead of fear to assure her survival.

1.

Without as much proper or as-much-political/military training as Jaehaerys I's and Baelon and Aemon had--Rhaenyra was that much more vulnerable. BUT she also could have gained a lot of experience in ruling Dragonstone in all thsoe years (15-16, or 20?) alone.

Let's take the first scenario: To not be fully ready or developed enough to put up much of a necessary fight against those that would oppose her and dissolve further than the already shaky bonds between Targ family members that existed since (honestly) either the generation of Aenys' and Maegor or Jaehaerys I.

After adopting much of Andal/Westerosi noble customs and especially male primogeniture, the Targs began betraying its female members and underdeveloping them almost since its dynasty's inception.

So GRRM makes Rhaenyra's flaws a direct result of her generational deprivation and gender discrimination, coming from Maegor and Aenys, but at the same time, it seems he went too hard in the paint to make Rhaenyra a woman without some necessary sense to accentuate her victimhood by making most of the bigger strategic decisions the blacks make come from the men around her BUT he also made sure to clue us in on how Rhaenyra is not like Dany in that she ultimately chooses her class privilege instead of measured compassion to maybe save herself.

A question some may have: Why make your female character so flawed instead of making her more of a great & strategic or very compassionate foe to reckon with, which would further hammer in how unfair it was that she was usurped? However, I mentioned how Rhaenyra serves as a way to re-contextualize Daenerys and the importance of ingenuity & compassion that will really carry one one into both personal and collective success/survival. (HERE is a Tweet by former brideoffires explaining).

Also, they both refuse to bow down to the oppressive standards of their time in their own ways. Even with Rhaenyra fighting for her claim and to protect her kids, she defying patriarchal restrictions of female leadership by refusing to just give up the crown despite the greens' usurpation and crowning Aegon. There is value in that, even with it going to war. Rhaenyra is an aspect of Dany's own struggles. She is where a woman in either position could falter. They share a pride needed to resist against those sociopoilitical circumstances and assert themselves.

Basically, Rhaenyra's most critical mistake and error and moment of self destruction was to accuse Nettles & use her own class privilege against a vulnerable. She relied on a thing that ultimately was set against her (you can't really separate the misogyny of the aristocratic class) to use against her "enemy", in order to feel powerful, even with her having been driven to that state from mainly others' desire for her throne.

After all, male claimants and rulers who are insane, predatory, or just weak are pushed towards the throne (Aegon the Elder, prime example for this story) all the time, so why not have a flawed or "mediocre" woman be the center of this story to accentuate the double standard held against her? To show how people like Cersei get...that, and what Dany as a woman could & has gone up against? Rhaenyra being as she was rather highlights how Misogyny doesn't care if you are a genuinely good person leader, one bad move, you're done. And Rhaenyra--to go back to the scenario abt "training" or if she did obtain "enough" experience, and even then we should wonder how much or if GRRM just wanted her to be that way for plot-sake--wasn't the most strategic, much of it due to her class entitlement. Which the greens share.

Men like Robert Baratheon, Stannis, Ramsay Snow/Bolton, or any of the current male Greyjoys who grew up in the Iron Islands? Even Canon!Jon Snow is better than most men of his time, but he is cruel when he thinks he has to be and has himself executed a child for disobedience and treachery. He also makes emotion-based/involved/inspired decisions (not often, but they exist), and he also makes mistakes. They get to hold positions of power without any added troubles (as Rhaenyra had) to the regular ones of greedy challengers or those resisting their plunder and reaping.

Why should we hold Rhaenyra to a much higher standard than these men, as much censure, as the fandom and canon society does? Especially since it's not really her story (overall), it's Dany's? None of the autonomously ruling female leaders of the story receive half as much censure for character or leadership skills (true or false) as those men I listed. Rhaenyra and Daenerys "Stormborn" Targaryen are usually the subjects, with some other Westerosi women as well, sometimes Catelyn even. All that is obviously due to misogyny, to this idea that because you are not the typical candidate or desired one for the position of power, you need to "prove" yourself to specifically those who get that power without having to fight that hard or experience the doubt of leadership similar to a woman.

In other words, trying to actually 100% buy into what the Westerosi male lords or what we think they'd want in a leader was never going to work for Rhaenyra. She kinda already did, and look where that got her?

2.

How much of her paranoia (actually her breakdown) is understandable and consequential, as GRRM wants us to consider?

Gyldayn would say or think she should have ben better, but considering what she was up against as a woman, does he really think he could do better?

Or rather, how much do we excuse her for in lieu of her victimhood in the face of lifelong concentrated abuse and misogyny at almost every front?

Even if she had somehow quickly overcome her own grief in less than a year after both of her oldest sons died before she took KL, why are we so expectant of that? That's inhumane to me. Or I could be over emotionalizing it, idk & I don't think so.

And with the green having taken the royal coffers before they left, what would someone else have done under the immediate pressures of the lack of money, fear from smallfolk around the executions whose observations are charged and hate against the taxes raised bc of said lost moneys, and then the worst rioting exacerbated/caused by a crazy man most likely sent by the Citadel to turn everyone not just against her but all the Targs and destroy the dragons....

It's a lot all at once and something that not even Jaehaerys had to deal with, since:

Maegor at least was very dead by the time he actually got to KL.

The royal treasury was always intact AND he had Rego Draz (a Pentoshi man) help him develop his strategy of taxation, which encouraged the nobles to spend more....again in totoal PEACETIME.

since he was male, he never had to face widespread and local disfavor or contempt for his abilities (subtle or unsubtle) on account for things he cannot change or of beliefs against his gender, right to occupy a space, etc. as a woman does, esp a woman slotted to rule over other men -- people doubted him for his age/lack of experience, but they gave him more grace than they did Rhaena, his older sister

Finally, Jaehaerys may have lost two brothers (Viserys and Aegon) and a father, but Aenys didn't die by cold murder. His brothers we: A) don't even know he was close to or not, there were big age differences b/t him and them B) they were siblings, not one's children

Even without the losses of her kids, after a lifetime of having to decide how and even if one should try to legitimize oneself as one deserving of the same sort of respect and claims to power that another demographic just gets w/o trying--what does that do to the mind of a person, and under the pressures listed?

For Othello, it was using illusions and misunderstandings of adultery to put his sense of his masculinity in danger (as black masculinity is always put into question as being too "bestial" and inhuman, oversexualized--undeserving of the white chaste woman/high prize/object of white male power/public and political respect or "trust").

For Rhaenyra, it was her gender held against her AND then the betrayals, and she defaulted to feudal classism and misgynoir. Her conformity to that white female chastity of body and mind: what right did she think she had to claim power or herself without doing it in the name of a living "true" male heir/authority? And like Othello, she endured it her entire life, beginning with Alicent. At the same time, enjoying the trappings of a royal dragonrider who grew up believing that Targaryens were awesome beings who quite literally built Westeros the way it is?

That, I think, is what GRRM tries to create, this state of ethical "ambiguity".

It is true that compared to his other female Targ characters, the ambiguity is lacking because Rhaenyra is made too vulnerable to circumstances before her birth without her having quite enough substantial pushback or strategic will.

But Gyladyn wrote this book and we nee dto be careful with how he frames things or describes them.

B)

This will read back and forth, because I think there are other merits in some criticisms of Rhaenyra's character and her characterization.

1. Maybe you can skip this if you have repetition

I think that GRRM does try to write her from that Shakespearean aspect of psychological ambiguity from Othello, but I kinda agree that the symbol of the hysterical woman unfit to decide important matters of community and state fits Rhaenyra too well, whereas Othello actively resisted Iago more than Rhaenyra did Mysaria or her other councilors OR better yet, why not subvert Shakespeare a bit and have Rhaenyra do it better than Othello and last longer?

But that could be bc its' a maester, GYLDAYN, writing this book as propaganda!

And comparing her to Dany, again, "really quick", for a reminder:

Even with Dany still existing and Rhaenyra losing, I'd prefer to see her still be more creative and active--just more engaged before more principal players in her camp betrayed her without her provocation, rather than just two dragonseeds when she had other dragonseeds with her and a full council (even if Celtigar had to go). Again, why not have her make one plan or get inspired once and have others refine that plan/beginnings of a plan? Perhaps make Celtigar the betrayer, so that she is faced with relying more on less conservative mindsets in her council? IDK.

(disagreement w/anon) But then this story would be so much less confrontational, as I have already said above:

the hate against her tells us much about other readers and ourselves as to what expectations we have towards men vs women put into situations like Rhaenyra's, where she's usurped on account of societal sexism AND one of her ancestors (Jaehaerys) making it that much harder for women to be considered fit rulers/inheritors of power.

2.

Aside from her other mistakes:

not keeping close tabs on the greens while at Dragonstone so she'll be alerted to Viserys' worst days so she can travel back to KL and make sure the greens couldn't do anything w/o resistance -> 12/2/23 EDIT: Alicent wasn't planning the gathering the green council so much as improving immediately after Viserys died: her imprisoning Rhaenyra's supporters at court, her gathering the lords for the council, and her keeping it a secret Viserys died were all quieted events that she likely did not share with many people, maybe Otto and that's it. Not even Criston. These movements were what "saved" her the necessary few hours to get the jump on Rhaenyra; she would not have been very vocal or repetitive even if she did share her "plans" that could have been more wishes-turned-into action-in-the-moment than real, detailed, and prepared plans. So it's not that out of possibility to believe that even if Rhaenyra or Mysaria sent spies they'd pick up on this.

*not going to Jeyne Arryn after fleeing KL (this was a very understandable move to make, as she needed dragons & there was nothing left or safe for her back in KL)

Rosby and Stokeworth: for all that we say she was grieving, that Corlys/advisors pressured her, that she felt that the need for supporters around KL for the present dangers outweighed far-reaching ones for her rule later, she was still Queen and it was still a mistake because she needed to shore up female claims for herself and her descendants (two things can be true at once); this I see as Rhaenyra bowing to a real, concerning pressure that you may not think is heavy but is, and one can choose to "forgive" her for it or not and deal with the implications for either scenario because she was b/t having some crownlands close lords on her side while still in KL. Her ability to maintain herself on the throne depended on convincing men like Corlys/as many men as possible on her side. That's just the lot for female rulers of ancient, medieval, early-mod period patriarchal societies.

the dragonseeds & Nettles (nail in the coffin, the actual undisputed wrong)

I think that I can say that Rhaenyra was not the ideal leader in case of temperament or intelligence. She wasn't 100% dumb as hell by "nature" (whatever that is in ASoIaF), indicated by her making fewer mistakes before her sons died, but she still made a pretty dumb one before they died (#3 in the list above). She was purposefully made a bit more shortsighted than Alicent.

And here's another thing. She only started to be hated in KL after the taxes (that needed to be raised after Aegon/Tyland Lannister/the greens stole all the treasury money, even when he himself organized a feast celebrating Aemond and himself for Lucerys' murder and Aemond burned down one of the major suppliers of food in Westeros' "south" regions: the Riverlands and esp their farmer's villages and fields) AND when Larys purposefully spread rumors about her before the Shepherd came along and worsened it with his own misogynist rhetoric. Because all these beleaguered people wanted was to get out of danger and starvation, & when she couldn't immediately provide it, they understandably got riotous.

However, it is also true that with what she dealt with after taking KL--riots incited by Larys and the Shepherd, accusing her of killing Helaena; Larys taking out Maelor in the first place when he was perfectly safe in the Keep; being unsure of how long her followers would follow if she didn't at least comply with the Stokeworth and Rosby incidents.

And her moving to Dragonstone, to me, was not a mistake. She and her family needed their own base, which is psychologically and politically true. But, again...not monitoring her father and waiting for the aftermath of his death at all, if that is in fact what she did? smh.

Why isn't it enough to know that she was unfairly usurped? Why do we look for the ideal leader in the woman during her own disempowerment, and not at how there is a difference in expectation for her versus her male rival in terms of competency?

3.

Let's play a little here. Even if Nettles and Daemon did sleep with each other, it is very clear that the better strategic decision would have been to question her after all her true enemies were defeated and make use of her until then.

But, once more and as I say in this Twitter thread, the deal with Nettles was accompanied and carried by the already existing Targ-Andal sexist paradigm of legitimizing one's rule through blood-purist/sexist principles. In that way, canon!Rhaenyra was not that much more exceptional than other Westerosi women under the condition of pressure looking to shore up their own claims.

AND again, it's a maester, GYLDAYN, writing this book as propaganda against female rulership/autonomy!

The Dance, more than any other account in F&B, is the most unreliably told tale because its sources (Mushroom, Orwyle/Munkun, and Septon Eustace) all seek to besmirch or objectify Rhaenyra for their own ends and are the only ones that provide the "clearest" narrations for Gyldayn, another master, to narrate. And GRRM does it on purpose:

We only get specific events that are told through a hateful gaze; what other traits and behaviors Rhaenyra could have done or said, we do not have access to and sometimes must use context to conclude our best guess. Thus, Rhaenyra also feels, to the reader, as if she could be something more than what's presented. Unlike its male characters, the Dance account gives one-note descriptions of its adult female participants because women already do not occupy or perform the same public activities as their male counterparts and thus are given less attention, unless they are Rhaenys, Alicent, and Rhaenyra. And we aren't privy to their most vulnerable moments (unless they are likely made up to disparage them OR so public as to be noticed). Emphasis on it feeling that way. It is Mushroom who says that Rhaenyra was angry that Daemon disobeyed her about Nettles: "By evenfall, Rhaenyra Targaryen found herself sore beset on every side, her reign in ruins. “The queen wept when they told her how Ser Lorent died,” Mushroom testifies, “but she raged when she learned that Maidenpool had gone over to the foe, that the girl Nettles had escaped, that her own beloved consort had betrayed her ("Rhaenyra Overthrown")". Which I can believe, since it follows her need for backup that she lost in Ser Lorent and the lack of such backup due to Daemon's refusal to follow orders or allow her orders followed. I can see Rhaenyra being angry and feeling betrayed by that. But Mushroom, as ever, also injects himself where it is impossible that he'd even be seriously considered as her companion and confidante: "At dawn, a hundred men attended her in the throne room, but one by one they slipped away or were dismissed, until only her sons and I remained with her. ‘My faithful Mushroom,’ Her Grace called me, ‘would that all men were true as you. I should make you my Hand.’ When I replied that I would sooner be her consort, she laughed. No sound was ever sweeter. It was good to hear her laugh" ("Rhaenyra Overthrown")". So is Mushroom using the hypothetical event where Rhaenyra was angry with Daemon and raged at the defiance, or did he make it all up to aggrandize himself and establish an intimate relationship with Rhaenyra for the audience, what we the readers are faced with? I tend to think the former because my idea of Rhaenyra and her tyranny coming from grief-misogyny follows such.

this is the event (the civil war/the Dance) where the women, the center, the moment of Targ history where the dragons and life-supporting magic were lost and started to die without its matriarch, occurs when the would-be autonomous female heir loses her power? Not a coincidence -> context and ratcheting up the stakes for Dany, bc what would the reception to her be like?

And again, without a closer look at her upbringing, with all these people telling her story in their way and with their own agendas and misogyny....well it's hard for me, the reader, to totally devote myself to writing Rhaenyra's comparative simpleness to just her being her and it not her developing herself to what was available to her.

5.

Another theory is not a theory, it's obvious. Rhaenyra is a character developed after Daenerys was created and Rhaenyra is not meant to surpass Daenerys in military leadership acumen or potential (because she grew up in a context where Targ women lose much power and go untrained) AND he is mean to be her "sword", her "Visenya". Again, GRRM might have gone a bit overboard...but he's not terribly wrong.

Also, once again, they both refuse to bow down to the oppressive standards of their time in their own ways. Even with Rhaenyra fighting for her claim and to protect her kids, she defying patriarchal restrictions of female leadership by refusing to just give up the crown despite the greens' usurpation and crowning Aegon. There is value in that, even with it going to war. Rhaenyra is an aspect of Dany's own struggles. They share a pride needed to resist against those sociopoilitical circumstances and assert themselves.

If Dany didn't exist, I would have preferred to see a more non-motherhood sense of responsibility, a more altruistic side of Rhaenyra (that still doesn't outperform Dany).

6. (inspired by & courtesy of brideoffires's post HERE)

It's not a coincidence that more female Targs display the most pleasure and affinity for dragonriding:

Rhaena (Alyssa's daughter), who after bonding with Dreamfyre came more into herself and bestowed her siblings with dragon eggs so that they themselves would bond with their dragons sooner and thus would be one self-possessed early on to even become rulers

Alysanne, who cried when she couldn't ride Silverwing anymore

Saera, who would have tried to bond with a dragon and ride to freedom

Aerea, who claimed Balerion and also rode to escape her damaged mother

Daenerys Stormborn, who restored dragons to the dynasty with fire and blood (blood magic & bravery)

Rhaenyra, who became a dragonrider at 7 years old

Rhaena (Laena's daughter), who also managed to have her egg hatched when no other dragon existed

Rhaenys (Jocelyn Baratheon's daughter) protested in favor of her unborn child and died with her dragon

Baela, who fight a usurper on behalf of her stepmother and lost her dragon but made sure to give Aegon the Elder much more injuries that turned him inside out enough to be so contemptible to be put down by his own followers

and Rhaenys the Queen, who loved dragon-riding the most of her siblings despite not being a warrior like her sister, yet being the literal mother/direct ancestor of the entire dynasty

Yes, you have male dragonriders but looking at Targ history, who usually has a closer metaphorical relationships with the Targ dragons? And after who, chosen by right, was usurped because she was a woman, and whose kids then continue the line?

Notice how a running theme is motherhood as well? In ASoIaF (all of it, not just the novels) GRRM is fixated on motherhood and a woman bringing forth new/restored things. Or when she's stifled from doing so. Daenerys is a prime example. She brought dragons back when Aegon V tried and failed, when Aegon III tried and failed and when Aegon IV did a mockery of it by trying to take Dorne. Rhaenyra gave birth to accomplished people (Jace, and Viserys II) and became a mother to two more (Baela and Rhaena). Again, it is through her that the Targs can even continue. Yes, Daemon is the father, but he wasn't made heir--Rhaenyra was--and Jace would have been a good king. And she was fertile, having birthed five kids and safely. Unlike Alysanne, who had many miscarriages and stillbirths and infants dying before they got to 3.

Conclusions

Rhaenyra is a good example of a victim who wasn't necessarily a good person or an ideal ruler and neither was she a horrible ruler or an evil person (until Nettles).

GYLDAYN is writing this book as propaganda against female rulers/women having power that men traditionally are granted and have.

Some come away with the feeling that Rhaenyra has less depth because she relies on her heritage and the fact Viserys bestows her: What else, other than her Valyrian heritage and her kids, keeps Rhaenyra going, they may ask? Similar to Dany, Rhaenyra uses the fact that she does come from Valyrian dragonriders and conquering Targs to validate to herself that she deserves to fight for the throne. Differently from Dany, she does this with the fact that her father clearly named her heir and would have given it with his own hands.

This is what rhaenin-time says in this reblog:

It just rings so familiar to real-world politics and conversations. How many people with reactionary/conservative politics have we all encountered who, instead of arguing about why their stance is better, start to nit-pick inconsistencies and hypocrisy in liberal and leftist stances, even though what they offer is far worse? Because they're not saying their side does not have the same problems. They're saying those problems are natural, those problems cannot be resisted, that anyone who tries and does so imperfectly is a hypocrite, so you're a bad person for trying at all.

At the same time, I've also felt the frustration with the negligence of some more personal depth that is similar to women like Visenya or Rhaena (the Queen Dowager).

Again, to repeat myself (from point #4), it all comes from the desire for the alternative leader to the conservative type to be morally better than them for the greatest possible change. But we already have that in Dany and Rhaenyra is only mean to serve as to re-contextualize Dany & hammer in how she is so important.

Rhaenyra's one main "flaw" (shaped by society/history) is that she was blinded by her need to self-assert herself above all else in the face of her dissenters...since childhood and never developed past that crutch partly bc that was where she was.

*EDIT* (8/21/23):

THIS is a great post by @mononijikayu about medieval queens, female rulers, the history of how women in leadership positions were made and seen as threats to the very structure of social "order", and contextualizing Rhaenyra thru Empress Matilda. I didn't even know about Matilda's husband being comparable to Rhaneyra's Daemon! PLZ READ!!!!

Excerpt:

just as much, along with these fictitious portrayals, more lies are depicted. these women are considered vixens that cause havoc to men by shifting them into desires and danger. through the written word, we see how women are cast in roles of villains in men’s lives. it is because by their conclusive thoughts, women are the only creatures that are able to turn ‘good honorable men’ into despicable creatures who do shameful, deplorable acts for the sake of women’s pleasures.  [...] it is within this narrative that ancient chroniclers declare that women were in fact the doom of men. if they were not able to control the dangers posed by the wiles of women, then the foundations of the mighty society they had built would be up in flames.  [...] as i mentioned, these factors of community are written down and preserved. and with that, the example of the ancients were the foundations by which medieval society built itself. the same concepts continued to cause the same issue within society and that was the exclusion of women from participating in the bigger picture of community and state, much so with governing states in their own right—without judgment or disapproval. 

[donnerpartyofone]

Wow, I just saw where you put the comma in your user name. It's even funnier now.

I never thought of it as Donner, Party of One as a table reservation. Announced in an officious tone.

I pictured it as donnerparty OF ONE. Meaning there is only one person in the Donner Party. As in, you are all alone in the cold woods eating yourself. LOL.

Hahaha obviously this is the username that keeps on giving! It's interesting how people react to it. I don't remember how long ago I came up with it but I'm sure I was feeling VERY clever, it would be many years before I learned that Robin Williams made the same joke in some standup routine, and he probably wasn't the first person to think of it either. I once applied for a job where the person who interviewed me vigorously insisted that I got it from the movie SCREAM, and I'm sure that joke is nowhere to be found in any installment of SCREAM but she was so passionate about her assumption for some reason, I didn't fight her on it too hard; in retrospect I chose the irrational belief that that was an omen that that was going to be a really hard, shitty, low-paying job.

My conscious interest in cannibalism emerged during my first semester at college, where it became clear that I had been interested in cannibalism all along but had never really connected the dots. It seemed to be the most frightening and compelling thing I could think of. When I was a kid I had a copy of Silence of the Lambs that I carried around like it was the Bible, reading it over and over. I had intensely vivid nightmares about THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE for years before I would ever see the movie, my brain just seemed to know it would become a big part of my life. RAVENOUS came out right before I went to college and when I got there I made a cult out of it; I was watching it at-least-daily in the dorm lounge, which at first people hated, then some people started to join me, then after we came back from Thanksgiving I learned that a lot of people went home and showed it to their families! And then it seemed to happen that whenever I picked the movie, it would involve cannibalism unpredictably--none of us were Shakespeare-literate enough to know it would be in TITUS, and when it randomly came up in DEAD MAN everyone turned around and looked at me like I must have known, like I tricked them. There were other examples that aren't coming to me. At some point it just sort of became my identity. I used to have a couple of fork & knife clothing patches that I painted and wore on various things.

I just think it's interesting, like it has lots of allegorical possibilities. I'm mainly attracted to it as a description of extreme anti-sociality. Like in TEXAS CHAIN SAW, you have a nuclear family in the American heartland, but instead of a heterogeneous unit that makes more people, you have a clan that is somehow only males and they consume people. (I mean there's a mother theoretically but she's literally a mummy, which I think is pointed) I'm interested in that kind of unhealthy system inversion. But people react to it all kinds of different ways, it's curious. I recently contacted this woman who wrote a horror-related paper I loved and she replied that she'd be happy to talk to me about anything "except cannibalism :)". I said this elsewhere but when I arrived at this book launch I had to host last week, the author told me "You know you're doing something right if people are offended!" and explained that when the event was publicized with my bio attached, which listed some of my academic interests, some guy emailed him "THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT CANNIBALISM!" and cc'd a bunch of different people like it was an emergency; I mean considering what else was in my bio, I guess he thinks I find murder and sexual exploitation "funny" too, but none of that stuff bothered him. After the event someone waited patiently to tell me about his favorite metal band that only plays songs about serial killers, including some prominent cannibals, and I had to promise I would listen to it. Whatever you think about it, it's a very provocative topic, and I guess it's good that people are still sensitive enough to have a strong reaction!

[mickmundy]

thread of some of my scout hcs, thoughts on his personality and little miscellaneous tidbits!

starting off strong by saying that i think he's very emotionally intelligent. knows when his loved ones are upset and will set about doing whatever he can to cheer them up. he defaults to trying to make you laugh since that's what he thinks he's best at, though!

cant always offer the Sagely Advice that one might get from spy, but he'll tell you whats on his mind and what he thinks of the situation. won't mince words; if he disagrees with you, he'll tell you Directly... but Gently. "Uhhh, dunno if i agree with that. think of it this way.."

maybe the last person you'd think to have a heart to heart with, but he might surprise you! he's a good listener and while he prefers to do things while talking (throwing a ball against a wall, pacing, etc), you've got 150% of his attention if the subject matter is serious!

competitive, but more likely to let others win than he is to Rub It In when He wins. battlefield smacktalk to the enemy is one thing, but Some People (not naming names) are VERY sore losers (sniper) so scout's content to botch a few billiards shots if it means that his friend is having fun! :)

cries. only when hes alone! feels like he has to have a good cry now and then to get everything out and to "emotionally reset". doesn't think crying is Girly/Weak or w/e, but he still doesn't like doing it around others. "okay, needed that. shake it off, scout, you're all good!"

VERY scrappy. resourceful through street smarts/intuition as opposed to technical know-how. tenacious and a total wildcard! that said, he won't be argumentative for no reason; he'll listen to any orders that engie or solly put down, but not without giving his input, asked for or not!

part of being a good scrapper is knowing when to fight and when to take a walk. when scout's truly mad, he prefers being alone, drawing or going on a run to get his thoughts clear. not afraid to ask for help and is always ready to "repay" friends for their kindnesses towards him.

growing up, he never wanted to trouble his mom with anything. scout was always the reliable one (although a complete hellion), often putting his own priorities to the side for his mom. places a lot of weight on his own shoulders to be good, or better, for her, and to be a son she can be proud of!

cannot drive. engineer has tried to teach him, sniper has tried, spy has tried, heavy has tried... but he just can't do it LOL. crashes into something every time and is always like CRAP!! SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY!! it's not a big deal, though. plenty of the mercs enjoy driving after all!

he was always taught to share, even though he kind of hates it! always hated being forced to share with his brothers as a kid. in his adult life, he doesn't Mind, but he prefers being able to choose when he does share. if he's splitting something with you, its a BIG deal!!

easily hands out apologies and doesn't like long-standing conflict. "lets just hash this crap out and move on already!" good at putting you on ice, but only if he needs time to think or gather his thoughts. the longest grudge he'd ever held was against his Absent Father...... spy! but their relationship begins to get better after the events of the comics. i could sincerely write a whole thread on Just their dynamics together!

ultimately i think scout hated His Absent Father for so long because it was just "Easier" to. but now that spy is There and Trying, well, scout can't really Hate Him. theres still a lot of "repairing" to do, and they aren't the Perfect Father And Son, but scout appreciates spy's effort and the sincerity of his explanation (once he hears it from spy and not tom jones)!

will always value the truth over lies. he'd rather you tell him something Horrible if it was the truth than sugarcoat it with a lie. i think spy wanted to give scout what he wanted when he was dying (being comforted by his "dad"), but in retrospect when scout learns the truth, he wished spy would have just been honest with him, even if it did suck to know that his dad was someone like spy and not actually tom jones. regardless, he understood that spy just wanted to give scout what he thought scout wanted, but understands/respects scout's wishes going forward and promises to be a little more honest :) this is when they can really start repairing and Building on their relationship as father and son, in the ways that work for both spy and scout!

i don't think Dad Issues is the only facet of scout's personality nor do i think it even Dominates a lot of his thoughts BUT i just happen to have a lot of thoughts on it lmao

i don't think any of the other mercs Baby him (he's literally a Grown Man and imo being babied would piss him off), and i don't think any of them think he is "inferior" or "childish". i think all of the mercs are at least a little immature!

However i will say that i think a very interesting dynamic between scout and sniper is their views on their fathers and how it shaped them as people. while "jealousy" sounds a bit dramatic, i think they Lightly Envy one another; wouldn't ever take it out on each other but if they think about it for too long they kind of get Bummed Out. scout loves his family but sometimes wishes he'd been an only child with a Mom and a Dad that were around all the time. he doesnt know the Extent of snipers Complicated Feelings about his own family!

sniper loves his family too but sometimes thinks about how even though his own father was Present in his life, he'd been Very Hard on him and Basically rejected him. sniper was present while spy was comforting Dying Scout and took notice of how spy treated scout the way that he thought scout would want, disregarding his own feelings. sniper's dad, on the other hand, only told him he was proud of him after he'd technically died... ouch!

and No i Don't Think sniper wants spy to be his dad nor does he see/want to see spy as a/his own father figure in any capacity lol. i think this is just something that crosses both sniper and scout's minds every now and then and they're like "Huh. Wish I Had What He'd Had!"

i don't see scout struggling with internalized homphobia or anything like that, either. i think his mom, like scout (and spy!), says what they mean and mean what they say and when scout's mom says "i love you no matter what", she means it! scout never gives that kind of stuff a second thought; if he brings a Fella home for the holidays, it doesn't matter! scout's mom is still going to show his Date Of Choice all of the most embarrassing photos of scout she can find! x)

holds his liquor well; he came from a big cathoIic family after all! x) gets a little more Snarky and a little more Hostile if he gets Truly Drunk, but doesn't like to make himself go that far Often. he can always brawl with the mercs when he's sober! prefers to have some beers with demo, engie and sniper and play darts or billiards with them. doesn't like mixed drinks. freakin gross!

will break your balls over anything and everything (like spy and scout's mom!). you tripped on the field? hell tease you for a week! nothing ever mean-spirited and not about anything that he thinks would Upset you! if you ask him to stop, he will, and he'll apologize and mean it!

[rainyday-deer]

Things I have learned while living in Maritime Canada for the last 6 months, as a person who was born and raised in Arizona:

Fog makes things wet. One of my most shocking revelations tbh. It seems so obvious in retrospect, but somehow it never occurred to me at all.

Paying taxes as a US citizen when you’re NOT in the states is a huge pain in the ass. 0/10, do not recommend.

At least where I am, air conditioning seems to be hard to come by. Heaters are understandably more important (However I sleep warm, and thus was dying, and had to sleep with my window wide open all winter.)

There’s jellyfish this far up north! I’ve seen Sea Gooseberries and I was Astounded.

Buildings built in the 1800s (and some 1700s) still being used today is Super Normal Actually, and they even get a fancy lil plaque.

Boat parts just laying around.

GRASS GETS SO LONG????? SO LONG. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME GRASS GETS THAT LONG, AND SO FAST.

Spring is??? So slow???? It’s already May and the trees are only now budding, and flowers are only now blooming. In AZ it would already well be considered summer and most of the plants would be on their way to being shriveled husks.

DANDELIONS CLOSE AT NIGHT???? MOST FLOWERS DO???? I’ve only seen Desert Poppies do that.

sunset is around 8:30 right now. It used to go down at 5. The disparity confuses me.

Daylight Savings also confuses me and I Hate It

The most dangerous animals here aren’t venomous and are Also hard to come by. I will keep you all posted on any Moose Sightings.

Canada is REALLY patriotic. There’s jokes about the US leaning hard on the ‘made in America!’ thing, but Canada takes it even further I find. Maple leaves everywhere. ‘Canadian made/grown/raised’ on everything. The fast food joints have a maple leaf stuck gracefully somewhere in their logo so you know this is the CANADIAN version of that thing. A friend explained why to me but it’s still something I’m amused by.

The post office doesn’t close at 5. I am still shocked.

Bus tickets can also be used for Ferries, if your city has one!

Like Coffeemate creamer??? Good fucking luck finding that shit. And if you can, good luck finding a flavor besides Hazelnut or French Vanilla. (The After 8 flavor is good tho, if you can find it.)

Reddiwhip cannot be found anywhere and I miss it SO Much

I miss Target too.

Lots of stuff I miss, actually, that I didn’t realize Canada just Didn’t Have. RIP.

Canadian Shipping my Beloathed. Expensive + takes forever + more expensive if you get charged Duty on your items so That Sucks

Paper straws and resuable bags, yes, HOWEVER, also useless extra plastic in other ways, or taking away things in packaging that would ordinarily prevent using MORE plastic, only to use more of it anyway bc it’s gone. Very questionable.

I think I have more reusable shopping bags than I will ever need in my lifetime now.

I will presumably update my Canada Log™ at a later date, but for now thats all I can think of.