#their over 6 months worth of slow burn. they are so. they are something.

[cquackity]

thes i want you to know that despite me not caring about dsmp anymore and not following the rp blogs i love seeing rp!tntduo posts in the hopes that they kiss

just for you - matt

MATT ☹️❤️ THANK YOU. you know how it is with slow burn. giggles

[lucid-loves]

First Light ~ Simon "Ghost" Riley Part 1

Pairing: bodyguard!Ghost x princess!reader (fem!reader)

Word Count: 4.5k

CW: angst, violence, blood, strong language, scars, verbal abuse by parents, physical abuse by parents, psychological abuse by parents, opposites attract, forbidden love, slow burn, fluff, attraction and sexual tension, reader POV and ghost POV, minors DNI, eventual smut, virgin reader

Let me know if I missed any CWs.

Story Synopsis: After receiving death threats from a mysterious terrorist organization, your royal parents make a decision to reach out to the United States for help. Specifically, they want the US to send a bodyguard to protect their precious princess. When the 141 is called upon to investigate, Ghost is the one assigned to protect you. With your lack of experiences outside of your royal life and his experience with nothing but deadly, worldly affairs, opposites attract.

Chapter Synopsis: Ghost travels to the small country of Stuoca to meet the person assigned to guard for the next month. When you lay your eyes on him, you can’t help but feel scared, yet also curious. He feels the same when encountering such a precious, fragile thing like you.

Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3 ~ Part 4 ~ Part 5 ~ Part 6

The porcelain teacup felt warm in your hands, holding your favorite blend of tea flavored to your preference. The grandfather clock in the room ticked by, filling the silence. While you normally liked to play some music to fill the space with sound, your parents told you that you must be quiet. That you had to sit pretty and be patient until you were allowed to do so. 

You stared into your cup, slowly losing your appetite for teatime as the pit in your stomach grew bigger. You felt like there was something wrong, but you couldn’t figure out what it was. Normally, your parents were eager to show you off to any guest that was coming to the palace. Right now, it is different. You were locked away in one of the many palace studies. There was your butler with you who watched your worries grow. There were a couple of guards outside the closed doors, stopping anyone from entering unless the king or queen allowed it. 

Looking out the arched window and overlooking the lush palace garden, you wished you could enjoy your teatime outside like you normally did. Feeling the fresh air, hearing the birds chirp in the distance, enjoying the subtle aroma of flowers flowing with the wind. It was really the only time you were allowed to be outside. 

Even though you were a grown woman, your parents have always seen you as their little princess.

While you sat silently in the study, the king and queen of Stuoca was meeting the man that would guard you with his life. It was jarring being in a place like this. Everything from the floor to the ceiling was crafted with exquisite, polished stone. Anything made of wood was a rich cherry. On marble pedestals along the halls held works of art behind glass. Jewelry, crowns, busts. Golden chandeliers with crystals reflecting the light hung from the ceilings that were painted with angels. 

Everything in the palace was worth billions upon billions of dollars. Standing in the middle of it all was Ghost, a man that once was just scraping by in his younger days. He still stood out like a sore thumb among it all. The skull balaclava secured over his head, tattoos revealed on his forearm, the black t-shirt that clung tight to his muscles. It was like death himself walked the bright palace halls. 

“Pardon me, Lieutenant Ghost, but you don’t have to wear that mask here, do you?” The queen, your mother, nervously addressed from her red velvet seat. The mask was making her scared. That was how people normally reacted when they saw him for the first time.

“Yes I do, your majesty.” He curtly responded, the words tasting bitter on his tongue. Ghost was just as uncomfortable as your parents were. When he heard that he was being deployed to guard a princess, he laughed, thinking it was a joke. But now, here he was being served tea and cookies with the king and queen of Stuoca. As much as being on base was a pain in the ass at times, he missed it. 

The king cleared his throat before taking another sip of tea from his teacup. When they reached out to the United States for a bodyguard, they weren’t expecting someone so. . . rough to be sent out. But, if this was the right man for the job, then so be it. As long as his princess was safe. “Thank you for traveling so far away from home in order to help us with our problem. Being a country so small, we weren’t even sure if your country would even bat an eye at us.”

Ghost shifted on the balls of his feet, growing more uncomfortable with the sudden gratitude. He just wanted to start the job already. The sooner he starts, the sooner he can end it. “You said that you’ve received threats. Anything else happened while I was busy traveling here?”

With a snap of the king’s fingers, a maid came over and presented an opened envelope. Ghost quirked a brow under his mask as he took it. Opening it revealed the original letter that was reported to Laswell. The one that he’s already seen with his 141 team. Handwritten, black ink, very articulated. The letter detailed how the royal family would burn down along with their palace. That the princess will be kidnapped and tortured if they didn’t get what they wanted, which was power to control the country. 

Ghost sighed, feeling like he got the short end of the stick on this mission. The entire 141 was working on this case. However, Ghost was the one stuck with babysitting duty while the rest of the guys got to experience all of the action. They were off investigating while he was sitting on a velvet couch in the grandest office he has ever seen. 

“That’s all we have for now to physically show you. The only other concern is the graffiti that has been popping up around the city.” The king explained calmly as a different maid brought over a manilla folder full of pictures. Pictures depicted a graffiti crow on various different buildings. They weren’t murals, but the symbols were prominent enough to be noticed. 

“A crow is a symbol of misfortune and death. A bad omen, wouldn’t you agree?” The queen spoke up, taking a slow sip of her tea as she tried to read the lieutenant’s reaction. It was impossible to do so with his mask. 

“Where is the princess right now?” He inquired. It seemed odd that you didn’t come in with your parents. He figured that they would want you right by their side at all times if they were really concerned about the threats. 

The king and queen stood as if on a cue. The king gestured for Ghost to do the same. “Our daughter is in one of the studies waiting to meet you. For her sake, please refrain from bringing up the letter and graffiti. We don’t want to startle her more than what has already been done.”

Ghost gave a curt nod before following your parents to the study where you stayed. The way they spoke about you, you seemed more like a caged bird rather than their beloved daughter. It unsettled the lieutenant, but perhaps it was just the consequence of formality. They wouldn’t have reached out to the United States for help if they didn’t care after all.

Once they approached the door, the guards saluted and opened it up. Beyond the doors was the most ornate office Ghost has ever seen. Once his eyes settled on you, you were the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. 

Every hair on your head was in place with the help of maids. There were no wrinkles in your dress and no stains in sight. Your makeup was light and only flattered your features. The gems on your necklace complimented your bright eyes. Ghost was almost at a loss for words. When you stood up and curtsied to greet them, he could feel his heart beat against his ribs.

“Good evening.” You simply greeted, your tone polite as ever as a princess should be. 

“Sweetheart, this is going to be your personal bodyguard from now on. He’s going to keep you safe, no matter where you go. Isn’t that wonderful?” Your mother gave a sickly sweet smile, her efforts to meet the status quo seeming a little more forced as she interacted with you.

You definitely knew that something was wrong now. You may have been a confined princess, but you weren’t stupid. However, you decided to refrain from asking what the trouble was. It wasn’t appropriate. Not with your parents watching you.

For now, you focused on the news that you were now going to have a bodyguard. Your eyes shifted towards the large man. Muscles clearly defined under his shirt, posture straight and strong, mask hiding his identity. Compared to him, you were much smaller and much weaker. It intimidated you a bit. It made you hesitant to accept him. However, there were expectations to meet, regardless of how you truly felt.

“Princess Y/n. It is a pleasure to meet you.” You softly spoke as you gave another sweet curtsy towards him. 

He quirked a brow. You were taking this awfully well. A part of him expected some more push-back. He honestly expected you to be a spoiled brat. Yet, here you were, taking everything in stride for now. You knew how to compose yourself better than he expected. “Lieutenant Ghost. I’ll be keeping you safe. For me to do that, there’s going to be some changes.”

You looked to your parents, looking for the explanation for this change. There was not even a bat of the eye as they faked their smiles. “You will still complete your studies as a princess should. Attend the parties as needed to keep up appearances as well.”

Ghost shook his head, authority taking over his baritone voice. “Negative. The princess will not be attending any more parties. Doing so could risk her safety.”

Something was definitely wrong. Your eyes widened at the news. A part of you, though, was celebrating. No more parties? Would your parents really accept this? The sudden shock on their faces morphed into strained smiles, telling you that they weren’t going to accept this so easily. The king cleared his throat. “Lieutenant, it is very important for the princess to still make appearances. It is essential for her.”

Ghost looked at you all of a sudden, wondering how you felt about this change compared to your parents’ obvious protest. You tried to remain unreadable, not wanting to set either party off with your personal opinion. If you had the choice, though, you would sacrifice the parties. They were more for your parents than they were for you anyway.

Ghost sighed in slight frustration. Normally, he was excellent at reading people. He did it all the time with new recruits, enemies, and his team. Their poker faces were nothing compared to yours. “One party if absolutely necessary. No longer than an hour. Just to keep up appearances.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, holding back your disappointment. Well, at least you weren’t expected to be present during the entirety of your parents’ showing off. “Understood, Lieutenant Ghost.”

At least your parents seemed happier with the compromise. Your mother grinned brightly. “Wonderful! Give him the princess’s schedule!”

Your butler hurried over and gave Ghost your schedule. He nearly stumbled back with how packed it was. Piano lessons, dance lessons, tea times, dress fittings, and independent study went on and on for pages and pages. Did you have any time to yourself besides sleep?

“The show must go on! If you have any questions or procedures to discuss, don’t hesitate to reach out to us. We hope that you two get along well.” The queen concluded, eager to leave the room so that she could go on with her own daily life. The king followed close behind as they left the room, leaving you and your bodyguard to get to know each other.

You didn’t mind being civil, but you doubted that he would try to get to know you. He simply didn’t seem like the type to stray away from his responsibilities for anything. For now, you silently went back to your seat to finish up tea time. Ghost stood awkwardly for a moment before finding his own place to settle. Leaning against the stone wall, he examined you further.

The way you held your teacup was gentle. Your dress draped against your legs like a smooth waterfall. The way you looked out the window was melancholic. After a few minutes, you spoke up, curiosity getting the better of you. “Why are you my new bodyguard, Lieutenant Ghost?”

Ghost didn’t expect your question. He hardly even knew what you meant when you asked it. Still, he kept his cool as he dug further. It wasn’t like there was any malice in your tone. In fact, your tone was nothing but innocent. “What do you mean? Are you asking me why I took the job?”

You shook your head, staring into your teacup once again as you got a little shy. Lieutenant Ghost wouldn’t report your conversations to your parents, would he? But, you had to know. “Is my life in serious danger?”

Behind the mask, Ghost’s mouth was partially opened with shock. His body grew tense as he realized what was really going on. “They haven’t told you, have they?”

“My parents can be. . . protective. Their priority to maintain normalcy can cause them to make certain judgments in regards to my life.” You subtly worded, fearing that the guards outside were listening to what you were saying. Hopefully, Ghost would understand what you meant.

Thankfully, he did. Now more than before, you really did seem like a caged bird. You deserve the truth. “Your parents received a threatening letter from a terrorist organization. They seem to be after your life in order to manipulate your parents. I serve under Task Force 141 that specializes in missions like this. The rest of my team is investigating the organization while I am to protect you personally.”

Your grip around your teacup tightened slightly as you learned the truth. It seemed that your intuition was correct. This was a serious problem. You swallowed your new fears down hard before proceeding as normal. “Thank you for your honesty, Lieutenant.”

Ghost sympathized with you as he finally saw a shred of how you really felt about this entire situation. His perception of who he was protecting was completely wrong. You were no brat or clueless royalty with too much time and money on your precious princess hands. You were sharp. You were polite. You were obedient. It made him want to know the real you.

He knew that he shouldn’t get closer than what was necessary. Yet, the anxious look in your beautiful eyes as you stared out the window made him want to provide you with some comfort. Some way to break the ice while also doing his job. He opted for a simple conversation about your daily schedule. “What’s independent study for you?”

“It’s my time to study what I wish within reason. Any subject that I may find interesting as long as it is appropriate for a princess.” You delicately explained, putting everything as nice as possible.

All Ghost heard was that you were restricted from real knowledge. However, it wasn’t his place to make a comment on it. It didn’t matter if he didn’t find it fair. You were a princess and you obviously took your responsibilities, fair or not, seriously. He gave a simple hum in acknowledgment for the time being on that matter. “What are you studying?”

You looked at Ghost curiously, wondering how much of this was just workplace conversation and how much of this was genuine attempts at knowing you. The way Ghost looked at you with such resolute, cold eyes made you shiver. Something told you that this was his usual look. “I’m studying many things at the moment that would be proper for me to know.”

It seemed like subtle and vague answers were the only things he was going to get out of you, but he already picked up on the fact that you didn’t do this to be cold towards him. The tone you carried was careful. Gentle. You didn’t want to say anything that could get you in trouble. Simon knew what that was like.

The conversation was dropped for the time being. It seemed like your physical being wasn’t the only thing he had to protect. Your social reputation was at stake as well. Respecting that, he focused back on guarding you. Not without noticing every little thing about you though.

You stole glances at him every so often as well as you sipped your tea. The more you looked at him, the more he intrigued you. You’ve never had a guard that had his build. You’ve never even seen someone with tattoos in person before. He stood out against the pristine white around the palace. A shadow in the light. You were curious about what he looked like under the mask.

~

The rest of the night proceeded as normal save for your new shadow. You were ushered by your butler to your routine lessons, Ghost always close behind. He stayed silent throughout it all, but observant. You did feel like he was watching your every move. While you were used to being heavily monitored, having Ghost be the one observing you made you more nervous than normal. Music lessons, dance lessons, and studying didn’t go as smoothly as you made more mistakes under the pressure. For some reason, you wanted to impress him like you were one of his newest soldiers. 

Ghost thought nothing of it as you did what you had to do. In reality, he found your abilities to be quite impressive, mistakes or not. He did chalk it up to him being an intimidating presence. Despite it, he could tell that you were skilled. 

When bedtime rolled around, he followed into your room. A grand room with a king, white canopy bed, cherry-wood antique furniture, and large, arched windows leading to a balcony. The windows were the second problem that Ghost needed to address if he wanted to keep you safe. “You can’t sleep in here. It would be too easy to-”

Meeting your eyes made him pause. You waited patiently for him to finish as he was going to say, prepared to take the steps necessary to ensure that the next change would be as smooth as possible. Looking at you, though, Ghost saw a pretty woman that he needed to be more gentle towards. Less explicit in language. You were already afraid for your life. He didn’t want to make that anxiety worse for you.

“Is there another room in the palace that has less open windows?” He asked cautiously, minding his words this time. 

You appreciated his careful consideration, feeling more and more safe with him as he made decisions to protect you. “I believe there is. I can sleep there tonight.”

He followed you to another room in the palace that was away from any windows. He nearly sighed in relief as the new bedroom was windowless, smaller, and much more comfortable to be in. The bed was still massive and the antique furniture was polished, but the warmer palette of the decor made the room feel less like a museum display. 

You felt better too as you looked around the cozy room. The windows in your usual bedroom just reminded you of what you couldn’t have. Though, your anxiety grew as you realized that Ghost was still within the room. Your cheeks grew a subtle pink as you chose your words with precision. “I would like to get ready for bed. Is it necessary for you to be here while I do?”

“Well. . .” Ghost thought carefully, trying to make the best decision here. After a few seconds, he determined that you needed your privacy. He was already invading it enough by being your personal bodyguard. With an accepting, silent nod, he stepped out of the room while you changed into pajamas. A few maid staff passed by, gawking at the lieutenant. A glare was enough to have them scurry on their way.

While you changed, you thought about Ghost. About his real personality, his job, his friends. What kind of work does he normally do? Has he ever killed someone? It certainly seemed like he’s gotten into his fair share of fights from the scars you have seen on his arms. Was he dreading this job? At times, you thought that you could see him get antsy while waiting for you. You probably wouldn’t like waiting on a princess either if you were in his shoes. 

Once you were changed into your silky pajamas, you knocked on the door. “Lieutenant? I’m all dressed. You could come in now.”

Swiftly, he came in. For a second, he admired the way you looked in your pajamas. You looked so much more comfortable. The way you were letting down your hair in front of the vanity had him gulp too. “I won’t be watching you sleep all night. Just until you fall asleep, and then I’ll wait outside the door.”

“What about your sleep?” You asked, tilting your head to the side. The way his arms were crossed over his broad chest made you shrink within yourself a bit. 

“I’m used to not sleeping. I don’t usually sleep well either. Don’t worry about me, princess.” He responded bluntly, putting some more personal distance between the two of you. He would be lying if your concern over his own time didn’t make him melt a little though. 

“I see. My apologies, but I am unsure that I will be able to fall asleep quickly tonight. You might be waiting for a while.” You honestly admitted, feeling the anxious pit in your stomach begin to swallow you like a blackhole. You already felt enough like a burden to the maids and butlers with how strictly your parents had them wait on you. 

Ghost shook his head, noticing how lightly you scrunch your brows in concern. How you nervously bit a tiny part of your bottom lip. Subtle behaviors that no one would notice if they weren’t truly paying attention. You were so different from what he was expecting when he was first told that he would be guarding a princess. “It’s fine. This is my job.”

You turned away from your reflection in the mirror to look at Ghost. Your heart skipped a beat as you noticed how blue his eyes were. Such a deep, oceanic blue that held so many secrets. He stared right back at you, noticing how your worries couldn’t be quelled with just two simple sentences. Finally, he was able to read you.

“If it will help, you can talk to me until you fall asleep. Anything you want. I promise that I won’t tell the king and queen.” He offered, taking a seat on the Victorian-styled couch that was at the foot of the bed. 

His offer came as a complete surprise to you. You didn’t expect him to be so kind. You have learned long ago that there was a difference between being civil and genuinely kind. Ghost was being nice, which felt like a rarity given his outward personality. Quickly, you finished getting ready for bed. Once you were cozy underneath the cotton covers, Ghost turned off the main light. The small lamp on your nightstand stayed on, allowing a comfortable dim to illuminate the otherwise dark room.

An awkward silence fell between the two of you as you tried to think about what to talk about. There was still a fear in you that he would tell your parents, but Ghost didn’t seem like the type to break his promises. Besides that, you never really talked about yourself before. No one has ever been interested in what you liked and disliked. Not that you had a lot of experiences with how your parents kept you in the palace and filtered what you could learn. However, that wasn’t to say that you were curious enough to find a way to learn anyways. At the very least, you had plenty of questions about the outside. 

“For my independent study, I am focusing on classicism art. At least. . . that is what my parents think. I. . . I have been studying other things in secret. My handmaiden sneaks new books into the library for me sometimes if she can.” You confessed, feeling a weight of your chest as you admitted your truth. You didn’t like lying and sneaking around in secret. While you loved new knowledge, you still carried that weight with you.

Ghost listened carefully to your confession. His back was turned towards you, a comfortable thing for you since you weren’t keen on the idea of someone watching you fall asleep. It was enough for him to just sit at the foot of your bed. 

“What new books have you read?” He inquired, wondering what sorts of books a princess could possibly want to read in secret. 

You took a deep breath, feeling your cheeks flush as you admitted more of your secrets. Without interruption, he let you speak. He listened to your voice that lowered into a pleasant whisper when you told him about all the books you were reading and wanted to read. A couple of times, he couldn’t help but crack a smirk at some of your opinions that were refreshingly assertive. 

It didn’t take long for him to hear you start dozing. It started with quieter words morphing into sweet slurs. As soon as he heard your steady, deep breaths, he silently got up and left the room. Standing guard in front of the door, he contacted his team by phone to give an update. 

“Lieutenant, how is she?” Captain Price cut to the chase, his voice low as he investigated matters on his side.

“She’s. . .” Ghost began before trailing off. He had to think about the right words to use. 

“She's a spoiled rotten princess?” Another voice came through. The chuckle was no doubt Soap.

“Honestly, no. She’s a princess, but she’s anything but rotten.” He finally admitted, keeping his voice quiet since the halls seemed to echo. 

There was another laugh before the captain cleared his throat, regaining authority. “I’m glad that she is much more pleasant to deal with than what was expected. Just be careful not to get too personal. I know you will be around each other a lot, but the mission is our priority.”

“Of course, Captain.” Ghost promised, wondering if this particular promise would be easy to keep or not. 

[a-case-of-attachment]

The Lamb & The Serpent

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

Lucifer Morningstar x sinner fem!reader

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Lucifer being a chaotic mess, mentions of sex, swearing, slow burn, mentions of depression, Charlie being the best supportive daughter, awkwardness, mentioned of death and violence, ducks of the rubber kind, Lucifer being awkward, fluff.

Please click -> here <- to read on AO3

Lucifer hadn’t intended to end up in another relationship, in fact he had been rather adamant that Lilith was it for him but it seemed like the powers that be had other ideas because it had placed you within his path and despite how much he hadn’t wanted to Lucifer had been unable to stop himself from falling completely head over heels for you in the end. 

You were a sinner, just like almost everyone else down here except you were one of the rare ones, a good soul condemned to damnation simply because you had chosen to save a life by taking another’s when you yourself had only been hanging on to the living world by a thread. You didn’t deserve to be down here, but Lucifer didn’t make the rules so when the time had come, and your body had fallen still you had been dumped down here like all the other sinners. Left to rot until the next extermination rolled around. 

Somehow you had managed to survive the savage and demented cesspool that was hell, making it six months in Pentagram City without giving in to the plethora of sin and temptation that it had to offer. Again, a rarity especially considering how obvious it was that you weren’t like the others. It was impressive that you had managed to survive for so long before you had stumbled across Charlie and Vaggie out on an errand for the hotel. Charlie had been her normal charming and cheerful self, roping you into a rather in-depth conversation about the hotel and how it could help someone in your situation before you had even managed to say a simple hello, and by the end of it you had found yourself with an invite to stay at the hotel despite being adamant that you weren’t after redemption because you didn’t regret what you had done. You had given up your own life and taken a killer with you to save the life of someone you cared for deeply. You didn’t need redemption because to you, you hadn’t done anything wrong. It hadn’t mattered much to Charlie, she was just excited to have a new friend and someone to help her with the arduous task of redeeming sinners. Something you had agreed to readily. 

It was because of your roll in the hotel and friendship with Charlie that Lucifer came to meet you and his whole world got turned on its head. 

He had been there to see Charlie, trying to rebuild their relationship after years of neglect and the hotel was a big part of that. She was enthusiastic about making this work, wanting so badly to help reform the inhabitants of Hell and put an end to the exterminations. Though he was slightly sceptical if it was actually going to work Lucifer was determined to support her and that meant taking a more hands on role with their people and the hotel that could potentially save their souls. No one was delusional enough to think their little throw down with Adam and his bitch hit squad would bring an end to the blood shed. If anything, it would just give Heaven even more of a reason to stomp their little revolt down, especially with Adam’s death firmly on their shoulders. Ah well, the little prick had it coming, emphasis on the little if Lilith and Eve were to be believed. The point was that Lucifer was trying his hardest to actually be worth a dam to Charlie and if that meant actually engaging with the filthy sinners in this land then so be it. It would all be worth it in the end to see his darling daughter smile. Plus, he would be able to keep an eye on that no good radio demon because oh boy, Lucifer really didn’t like him and he especially didn’t want him anywhere near his little girl. 

The first time Lucifer saw you he was already on his way out, having just finished taking tea with Charlie and her little lost angel girlfriend. They had been walking past the parlour, talking about a flashier and more aggressive add campaign because “really Charlie these sinners are all the same. You need to hit them with a bit of pizazz, put on a show and they’ll come running.” When he had caught sight of you out of the corner of his eye. He had needed to do a double take because he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. 

You looked human, almost exactly the same as he assumed you had up top if it wasn’t for the lambs ears sticking out the side of your head. It was a glaringly obvious sign of your innocence, one that didn’t happen that often down here and Lucifer couldn’t help but stare dumbfounded at you. There had to be others like you down here, you weren’t the only person who had committed a sin for all the right reasons but Hell had a habit of taking people like that and chewing them up before spitting them back out into the streets, a more mangled and tainted version of themselves. You though, oh you were still pristine and innocent looking, even dressed in white to make it that much more obvious and Lucifer had to wonder if Charlie had found you straight after you had arrived in Hell.

It didn’t take you long to realise you were being watched, your little lamb ears twitching as your face scrunched up slightly. By the time you turned around to look at them Charlie was already talking rapidly, introducing you and explaining your role in the hotel. Lucifer only took in about half of it, something that wasn’t unusual these days. He just couldn’t help but space out, his mind wandering or just turning into static. He caught a few words here and there, but your name wasn’t amongst them, nor how you had come to be a resident of Hell. Oh well, he was sure he would pick it up at some point.  

Lucifer couldn’t help but stare at you as you had gotten up from the chair you had been curled up on, wide and friendly smile in place that made your eyes almost sparkle. Like most souls down here you were taller than him, Lucifers eyes level with your collar bone and giving him an uninterrupted view of the curve of your neck though it was quickly hidden by the modest neckline of your floor length dress. You were so painfully innocent looking, a complete juxtaposition to every other soul down here and Lucifer was suddenly left feeling guilty and horrified by your presence down here because you clearly didn’t belong in Hell and it was all his fault because he had given humanity free will and damned you all to this hell hole because of it. 

Lucifer had let out a loud and awkward laugh when you had addressed him as your majesty, completely ignoring your outstretched hand as he tried to put some distance between the two of you. He threw out some jumbled excuses about having other important things to do because he was “the King of Hell Charlie, lots to do, people to, to…well you know. Busy, busy, busy. That’s me,” and waving off any attempt Charlie made to get a solid answer from him. He needed to get out of there though, needed to be as far away from you as possible so he had ignored Charlie’s confused little frown and the hurt he had seen flash through your eyes. Without even a glance back Lucifer had opened up a portal there and then, calling out to Charlie that he would call her latter before disappearing through the portal and letting it almost slam closed behind him. He had spent the rest of day locked away in his work room, ignoring his phone and responsibilities in favour of working on yet more rubber ducks. So what if they all had little lamb ears and were dressed in white. It didn’t mean anything. Nothing at all. 

The next couple of times Lucifer had to go to the hotel he avoided you like the plague, checking every room before he even stepped in the doorway. It worked for a while but of course his cleaver little girl figured out something was going on and after only a couple of weeks he had been faced with the dilemma of disappointing her or spending time with you. He hadn’t wanted to agree when Charlie had asked him to accompany you to Cannibal Town to visit a potential new guest for the hotel, but she had pulled out those big puppy dog eyes and went on about how “worried I am about her being out there all alone and defenceless. I would go with her myself but I’m running a training session on apologise and there’s no one else I would trust with this. Please dad, this would mean so much to me.” The little devil knew what she was doing, and Lucifer found himself agreeing even though the thought of spending any prolonged amount of time with you had his eyes twitching and skin itching. But Charlie had asked so he was going to suck it up and do it. Any way, he planned on opening a portal and just dumping you on the main boulevard of Cannibal Town, so it wasn’t like this was going to take that long. 

He did not portal you there, in fact when he had presented you with it and tried to usher you through you had thanked him for the offer but you had still said “no, I think we should walk. It looks like a lovey day for it don’t you think?” You. Said no to him. To Lucifer Morningstar. To the king of Hell. The big boss. The number one honcho. No one said no to him, ever. It was all ‘yes Sir’ and ‘of course your majesty’ never no and he really didn’t like it. But you were Charlie’s friend and just like the dad wannabe loser Lucifer found himself unable to do anything about it because he couldn’t run the risk of upsetting his little girl and losing her forever. So, despite how much he really didn’t want to Lucifer found himself following behind you, glaring at you the entire time. 

At least you had the good sense to cover your ears up with a hood and changed your usual white attire for something a little more Hell appropriate. People still stared, though more at Lucifer than anything else but he could understand why. It was a rare thing to see him and even rarer that he would be seen down on the streets amongst the sinners. All that attention made him feel uncomfortable, Lucifer desperately wanting to just open a portal and run back to his ducks, but his pride wouldn’t let him, demanding he put on a show for all the gawking masses. So, he stood straighter, holding his head high and plastering a wide teeth filled smile on his face as he greeted almost everyone the two of you passed. “Hi, hello. Yes, it’s me. That’s right, the big boss himself. Hi there, hey. I know, truly a honer for you.” 

You didn’t say anything about his sudden change in demeanour, just glancing over your shoulder and raising an eyebrow at him whist smiling widely. When all he did was shoot you a glare you had turned your attention back to the street in front of you, laughing softly even as you side stepped a cat like soul passed out on the side walk. Neither of you interacted again and by the time you reached Rosie’s Emporium Lucifer was feeling drained, ready to just collapse at his work desk and sleep for a year. He wasn’t used to having to be this full on for so long, out of practice since his retreat into isolation and it was beginning to take its toll on him. He would have loved to just leave you there and make his escape, but he knew doing so would put you in danger, not to mention how angry Charlie would be with him, especially if something happened to you. So, Lucifer stayed, sat in a plush chair to one side with a rather excitable Rosie trying to talk his ear off whilst you were off in another corner of the shop talking as privately as you could with one of the shop workers. 

Lucifer made sure to keep an eye on you the whole time, sipping on his tea and ignoring the dainty looking finger sticking out of it. Even though he couldn’t hear what you were saying it was clear that you were passionate about it, eyes wide and gesturing wildly with your hands whilst also drawing your companion into the conversation. It was interesting to see. Charlie had always been the passionate one when it came to the hotel. Yes, there were others who had an interest in it like himself and Vaggie but that was because they wanted to support her, not because they shared the same level of enthusiasm for her project but there you where. An outsider. A nobody in the grand scheme of things and yet you were the one out on the streets, talking to the souls interested in a shot of redemption regardless of the danger it put you in. It was interesting to say the least and left Lucifer with the desire to crack your head open and see how your mind worked. 

Eventually you were done and not a moment to soon because Lucifer had just about had enough of making awkward small talk with Rosie. He was quick to jump out of the chair he had sunk down into as soon as he saw you finishing up, shouting his goodbyes over his shoulder as he grabbed you by the arm and dragged you out the door. As soon as you were outside Lucifer let go of you, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath as he prepared himself for the long walk back to the hotel. It was fine, just one more thing to get through and then he was done, obligation fulfilled and Charlie still happy with him. 

Next to him you sighed, Lucifer opening his eyes slightly so he could glance at you. Your hood was back up, ears hidden away within the shadows and if Lucifer hadn’t known better, he would have thought you as human as they came. Noticing him looking you offer him a tired smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. It’s a familiar look that is a bit to self reflecting for Lucifers liking. He’s just about to start on a brisk walk back when you stop him in his tracks by asking “I don’t suppose you could be persuaded to open a portal back to the hotel could you? I know it’s lazy of me, but I really don’t think I have the energy for the walk back.” Lucifer stares at you for a long moment, eyes narrowed as he tried to figure out what your angle here was. All he sees though is a tired young women with an embarrassed flush to her cheeks whose looking at Lucifer like he could solve all her problems. 

He doesn’t like it. Well maybe he liked it a little bit but that just made it a hundred times worse. He doesn’t want or need you relying on him for anything no matter the flutter of excitement he felt. Huffing, Lucifer opened the portal to the hotel lobby with a les then dramatic wave of his cane. He ignored your grateful thanks and Charlie’s surprised shout as as you stepped out in front of her. As much as he wanted to spend time with his daughter Lucifer was to drained to be anything even remotely close to pleasant company. So, he gave her a quick wave before he let the portal close and teleported back home.  

Lucifer spent the next few days shut inside his home, trying to recharge from all the socialising and people. He worried that he might of upset Charlie with his sudden absence but like the shining star she was Charlie had understood, texting that very evening to thank him for the help and to visit for tea when he was feeling up to it again. It warmed his heart to see she cared so much that he hadn’t lost her completely and the realisation helped ease some of the tension he had been feeling since his little outing. 

It took him four days before he returned to the hotel, Lucifer having been given an open invitation to go whenever he wanted. So naturally he hadn’t bothered to call or even text Charlie, just teleporting into the parlour and straight into you. The impact was enough to have you both tumbling to the floor, Lucifer ending up sprawled across the floor with you laying half on top of him, one of your knees between his legs and face pressed into the crock of his neck. Everything seemed to stop, Lucifer becoming painfully aware of everywhere the two of you were pressed together and how your weight felt on top of him. 

You were the first one to move, looking up at him with wide and panicked eyes. His gaze locked with yours, the two of you seemingly waiting for the other to do something but Lucifer didn’t really know what he was supposed to do, his hands seemingly stuck to the floor. It was Charlie’s cry of “DAD!” that finally got you moving, scrambling to get off of him with a rush of apologise because you were “so sorry. I didn’t see you. NOT because of your hight! You just came out of no where and I didn’t have time to move. I’m so, so sorry.” Lucifer ignored you as he got back up, snatching his hat back off you when you held it out to him and dusting it off before putting it back on. 

He felt strange, a mix of embarrassment and anger but something else that left his skin tingling everywhere you had been touching. He didn’t like it, feeling things he couldn’t explain, and he was inclined to blame it all on you. Huffing he straightened his clothes, shooting you a quick glare before breezing past you straight to Charlie and asking about the tea she had promised him and acting like the last few minutes hadn’t happened. He didn’t miss the frustrated groan you made as he and Charlie headed towards the lift or the extremely tall spider teasing you about how “he’s definitely gonna remember your name now toots. With an entrance like that it’s gonna be hard to forget.”

Lucifer frowned, getting a glimpse of you sinking to the floor and burying your head in your arms before the doors closed. Had he really not remembered your name, surely by now he had heard it and said it back to you but as he stood in the lift, Charlie already filling the small space with her chatter Lucifer realised that he really didn’t know what your name was, having resulted to calling you sheep girl when ever he had needed to address you and you had answered every time, never once correcting him and remaining polite and respectful, addressing him by his title when needed. That didn’t sit to well with him, knowing that someone who was an important part of Charlie’s life was still some what of a mystery to him. Well, he couldn’t have that. He needed to know everything about his daughters life and the people in it so he vowed there and then to make more of an effort with you. Even if it was just to make Charlie happy. 

So the next time Lucifer had seen you he had made a point to say hello and trying not to laugh as you choked on your coffee. The time after that he had offered his help when you had been trying to get that Cherry girl to hand over the bombs she was holding. He had even complimented your outfit once or twice but what he hadn’t learnt was your name. It was like now that he was listening for it everyone had stopped saying it and as much as he was enjoying seeing you get more and more flustered with every interaction it was getting increasingly more and more difficult to avoid having to address you directly. He was on the brink of just going to Charlie and asking, admitting his lack of attention when you had done something completely unexpected. You had told him it yourself.

In an attempt to be closer with his daughter and stave off his bouts of depression Lucifer had been spending more time at the hotel, not doing anything in particular just hanging out, helping out where he can and keeping an eye on that no good asshat of a demon. He had been sat on the couch, tapping his cain on the floor and bored out his mind when you had suddenly sat down next to him, startling Lucifer enough that he had jumped a little. You didn’t say anything to start with, just sat staring at the wall opposite and leaving Lucifer to feel about a thousand times more out of place than he had just moments ago. He shifted in his seat, sitting up straighter as he to tried not to look at you but it was hard, his eyes darting over to you every couple of seconds because he couldn’t figure out what in the unholy hell you were doing. 

He startled a bit when you broke the silence, taking in a deep breath before turning towards him with a friendly smile and your hand outstretched, greeting him like you hade never met him before. “Hi! I’m Y/N, it’s an honour to meet you your majesty.” Lucifers just sat there dumbly, staring at your hand like it was a bomb about to explode in his face. When he didn’t make any immediate move to do anything your smile fell, hand lowering back to your lap. You look so disappointed, your ears twitching downward as you glanced off to the side. Lucifers reminded of a younger Charlie, the look she would give Lucifer over her shoulder as Lilith lead her away. It’s devastating, filling Lucifer with guilt and regret. It’s this that spurs him forward, his hand darting out to grab yours and shaking it enthusiastically as he makes his own introduction. 

It’s a rather strange interaction and Lucifers not really sure why it’s happening but he is rewarded with a wide smile and a genuinely happy laugh. The two of you carry on the brief conversation as if your new acquaintances, exchanging pleasantries and idle chit chat that really amounts to nothing. When Charlie arrives a couple of minutes later you thank him for his time and tell him it was “a pleasure to make your acquaintance your majesty,” before disappearing back up the stairs. When Charlie asks him what all that was about Lucifer shrugged, admitting he had “absolutely no idea. Odd one that one, best to keep an eye on her.” Charlie just shrugs it off, but Lucifers couldn’t help but look back at the stairs even though you were long gone. He was right, you were rather peculiar but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. He found you somewhat interesting at least. Interesting enough that he remembered your name the next time he saw you a few days later, an odd feeling in his chest as your face light up with joy when he addressed you by your name. 

From then onwards Lucifer mad a conscious effort to learn all the hotels inhabitants names, well at least the ones that mattered anyway. Not only did it help show Charlie that he was actively taking interest in the hotel, but it also meant that he got to have conversations with people that weren’t his ducks or his daughter, something that the aforementioned daughter had been rather insist he do. Something about engaging with others and “getting back out there dad. You’ve been cooped up in your office way too long, you need to start socialising. Meet new people, make some friends. Trust me, it’ll make you feel better.” Lucifer didn’t think becoming all chummy with the sinners would make him feel even remotely better but he truly was wrapped around Charlie’s little finger, so he gave it a go expecting everyone to run away as soon as he started talking, terrified of why the king of Hell was suddenly paying them attention. All but a handful proved him right, disappearing so much as a hello out.  That left him with all of five people to talk to plus Charlie because Lucifer absolutely refused to include that rotten little radio freak as an option.

Nifty wasn’t really an option. She was small and psychotic, and he was pretty sure she was trying to flirt with him. Vaggie was always a good choice, she was an angel after all, and they both loved Charlie deeply but that didn’t make things any less awkward. Neither of them really wanted to talk about their time in Heaven and there was only so many times Lucifer could say how amazing Charlie was. With Angel Dust every other word out of his mouth was something to do with either sex or drugs, the little spider taking far too much joy in his work if Lucifer was being honest. Husk just knew to much, about everything and everyone plus he was bound in servitude to that pesky demon so Lucifer couldn’t chance their conversations going past casual pleasantries. That left you and surprisingly enough he didn’t hate it as much as he thought he would. 

You were always polite, respectful of his status as the King of Hell though it never stopped you from teasing him, your eyes alight with amusement as he faked annoyance. Conversation was surprisingly easy with you, always willing to talk about whatever topic Lucifer came up with, even the ones he picked specifically to fluster you. As weeks turned into months it became less polite conversation in passing and more hour long discussions that covered anything from menial subjects like  what had been going on in the hotel and what knock off rubbish Vox was peddling now to more serious subjects like how a soul is determined to have been a winner or a sinner and the grey area that people like you existed in. Lucifer even spoke about his time in Heaven and how he fell from grace. He hadn’t meant to, hadn’t even realised he had shared such an intimate part of himself with you until the heavy silence afterwards and he actually realised what had come out of his mouth. 

He panicked slightly about how open he had been with you, talking about things that he hadn’t spoken to Charlie about and barely even mentioned to Lilith, but it had been so easy with you. He felt relaxed with you, like he didn’t have to constantly be performing the part of King of Hell, the embodiment of pride and the herald of humanities decent into sin. He was just Lucifer, though you refused to call him that despite how many times he insisted it was fine. He was just a guy with a weird obsession for rubber ducks who could be loud and flamboyant one moment or deep and serious the next. He was prone to sudden bouts of depression and often spaced out. So, what if he was powerful beyond most peoples realm of understanding, it didn’t seem to matter all that much with you anyway. 

He had been expecting this to be a bit too much honesty for you though but after those few awkward seconds everything had sort of clicked into place and you were back to smiling softly at him and actually discussing some of the things he had said. It had surprised him that you had accepted it so easily, most people got a bit funny when it was highlighted that he was still an angel if but a fallen one. Though he shouldn’t be surprised, you were constantly exceeding his expectations of sinners. You didn’t shy away from the subject of heaven, a thousand questions on the tip of your tongue, seemingly having been waiting for him to breach the subject first. Lucifers found that he didn’t mind talking about it all if it was you asking and from there on out, he had little to no issue indulging your curiosity. Some subjects were still a little to raw to discuss, like Michale and Lilith’s departure but you respected that, knowing not to push when he clearly wasn’t comfortable with it. Your compassion and understanding earned you his respect, knowing full well that most would try and pry the information from him until he lost his shit and went full on demon king on them. 

Somewhere between the guilt and awkwardness of your first meeting and Lucifers attempts to be more present in his daughter’s life something truly bizarre happened. The two of you became friends. Lucifer hadn’t even noticed not till Charlie commented on it on one of their little afternoon tea dates, happily stating that she was “glad to see you making friends Dad. I told you it would do you good to start talking to people and you really seem to be enjoying the time you spend either Y/N!” Lucifer had been adamant that wasn’t what was happening but the more he protested, and the more things Charlie listed off that made them friends Lucifer was forced to realise that was exactly what the two of you were. Friends. 

He couldn’t deny that he found the whole concept bewildering, especially considering he didn’t know how it had happened. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment he had gone from tolerating you to actually looking forward to spending time with you and actively seeking you out whenever he was in the hotel. But it had happened and now that he was aware of it Lucifer found himself glad that it had. It hadn’t fixed all his problems, and he would still find himself feeling anxious or sad at random times, leaving him to feel hollowed out and empty but it did help and Lucifer found himself experiencing his darker moods less often, even when he was on his own in his work room. 

Now that he had a name for what was going on between the two of you Lucifer threw himself into your budding friendship, even deciding to dragged you along with him on his little adventures out into the city though Lucifer was very carful where he took you and when, not wanting to run the risk of putting you in harm’s way or having to suffer Charlie’s anger and disappointment if he didn’t return you in the exact same condition you were in when he picked you up. He even went as far as inviting you to his house to see his rubber duck collection after you had expressed an interest in seeing them and all because Lucifer had spent the better part of an hour talking about all the ones he had made. 

The thought of having someone else in his space after so long had terrified him slightly. No one apart from him had stepped through his door since Lilith had left him, Charlie included and now that he had asked you over Lucifer was horrified to realise that his house was a mess. Well, his work room and bedroom were a mess, the rest of the house was just dirty, years of neglect obvious in the tick layer of dust over everything and the mass amount of cobwebs everywhere. He couldn’t have you coming here with the place looking like this. Not only would it be a blow to his pride, but you would undoubtedly tell Charlie and then she would know how well Lucifer hadn’t coped with his wife gone. 

Determined that your first impression of his home was nothing short of perfect Lucifer had been quick to conjure up a whole host of copies to help with the arduous task. It had taken hours but they had gone through every room, one after the other, leaving surfaces sparkling they were so clean and a faint smell of candy apples in the air. The only rooms that hadn’t been touched at all were Charlie’s old room and Lilith’s private suite. The former because he didn’t want to risk upsetting his daughter and the latter because he couldn’t bring himself to open the door, the memories it held within still too painful to relive. Lucifer even tided his bedroom, making the mess of twisted sheets that was his bed and opening the curtains for the first time in years. He didn’t know why he bothered, there was no reason why you would end up in here but just in case that somehow happened Lucifer wanted it to be as perfectly tidy as the rest of the house. 

He had only just vanished his creations and straightened his hat when you knocked on the door, lucifer taking a deep breath before yanking the thing open and pulling you into a hug so tight he was surprised your head didn’t pop off. You laughed at his excitable behaviour, giving him one of your wide smiles as you straightened out your clothes when he finally let you go. It had been been decades since Lucifer had anyone new in his home and he was sure he forgot some of the things that were expected of a host, like offering you a drink or letting you actually sit down. Instead, he had snatched up your hand and pulled you along behind him as he gave you a tour of the house, excited to show it off. He made sure to take you to every room, pointing out things that he thought were noteworthy, like the life size statue of a carousel horse in the main parlour or the framed drawing of Lucifer that Charlie had done when she was six in the study. You took it all in, letting him ramble on about each room’s contents and never once mentioning the rooms he skipped over. Lucifer showed you everything else though, even his bedroom though that had been a rather quick visit, lucifer having flung the door open tell you that “this is where I sleep alone hahaha!”  before slamming the door closed and pulling you on to the next room. 

His rather in-depth tour came to an end outside his closed work room, Lucifer fidgeting nervously as he asked you what you had thought of the place. He had been eager to hear you praise it but as you had stood there, fingers gently rubbing over the ornate lamp of an elephant balancing on a ball Lucifer wished he hadn’t been so thorough in his tour. He was well aware that he leant into the circus them a bit too much and that his home was no exception. It wasn’t that over the top, Lilith hadn’t allowed it, but it was present enough to be obvious even if some of it was subtle. He expected you to be polite about it, tell him that it was different or so him but yet again you surprised him, a genuine smile in place as you told him how much you “love it. It’s so cool. I mean where did you get these? They’re amazing!” Your seemingly genuine enthusiasm had Lucifer relaxing, his strained smile easing into something more real. 

Knowing that you actually seemed to like his eccentricity Lucifer had no problem opening the work room door and tugging you inside, excitedly telling you that “this is where the magic happens. Oh, mind your step there, don’t want to end up getting lost in a duck pile.” You hadn’t seemed all that bothered about that though, eyes alight as you practically ran over to the nearest mountain of rubber ducks. It had been a fun afternoon, Lucifer taking great delight in explains each and every one of his ducky creations to you as you rifled through the piles. You especially got excited when you came across one that looked like someone you recognised, wanting to know exactly what had driven him to make them. By the time you were due to return to the hotel nearly a quarter of his little rubber duckies had been examined and sorted depending on what it did. It was the most organised they had ever been, but Lucifer didn’t hate it, nor did he hate the fact that you were returning home with a little ducky version of himself that had a habit of randomly turning into various other animals such as a snake or a goat. 

Now that you had been in his home once Lucifer was adamant that it happened again and again and again until you were spending at least one day a week in his home. More often than not you would end up lounging on the sofa in his work room whilst he went over new plans and designs for things that weren’t ducks. That wasn’t all the two of you did though. Lucifer taught you how to play chess, your games starting out serious enough but after a while they devolved into chaos, each of you cheating in an attempt to win and never bothering to be subtle about it. On days that Lucifer was feeling less then himself it would often be him lounging on a sofa in the parlour, curtains drawn and the lights on dim with you sat in one of the arm chairs, your voice soft and melodic as you read to him, often going for one of the more happier works of fiction that you found in the library. 

Overall Lucifers life was pretty good despite being stuck in Hell. He had rekindled his relationship with his daughter, finally stood up to Heaven and the massive douche bag that was Adam. And on top of all that Lucifer was making friends, well one friend and a couple of acquaintances but that’s just semantics. He hadn’t thought when he had first seen you with that to bright smile and little lamb ears that he would ever consider you anything more than a painful reminder of how he had contributed to humanities greatest fuck up but here he was, actually caring about someone’s wellbeing apart for his daughters. It was strange and exciting Lucifer not used to being liked instead of envied, feared or hated. Now all he had to do was make sure he didn’t fuck everything up like he had with every other meaningful relationship in his life. 

[thebibliosphere]

Something I've been recommending a lot to my fellow MCAS + POTS-sufferers at the moment, has been investing in a soup blender.

Apart from beta blockers, the primary treatment for POTS is increasing salt and water. A really good way of combining both and upping your nutritional value is by drinking things like bone broth or veggie stock.

But if you're like me with a ton of allergies (so you can't buy anything premade🙃) and bone broth raises your histamine, then you're left with the energy sapping task of making your own.

And I don't know about any of you, but when my nervous system is throwing a wobbler, the last thing I am capable of doing is standing up for long periods at a time over a hot stove.

Some people get around this by using a slow cooker, which is great if you can. I personally can't because slow cooking raises the histamine content of food (especially meat) and also, the clue is in the name, it's a slow cooker and sometimes my POTSie, ADHD butt needs food now-ish or as soon as possible and not 8 hours later. Instapots can be good, but they take up a lot of counter space and also I don't know if you've ever tried to release a pressure cooker valve when you can barely stand, but I genuinely think that's the closest I've come to dying and I've experienced both megaloblastic and hemalytic anemia.

Which is why we got a soup blender. They take up less space, are generally easier to clean, and also easier for me, at least, to use. All you need to do is roughly chop your ingredients up, dump them in the jug, add seasoning, fill the jug with water, hit the soup function and then sit your ass down for the next 20 minutes while this magical fucking thing both cooks and blends you some liquidy goodness.

I will say, don't invest in the instapot one. It's not worth the price point, and the motor burned out on mine after about six months. It was also a pain in the ass to clean. (The self clean was more of a "swish water around for 30 seconds" function and I can't tell you how many times I hurt myself trying to get gunk off the bottom.)

The one I currently have is a Ninja HB152 Foodi Heat-iQ Blender, which was a little more expensive, but in my opinion, far superior and better made. It's faster, makes either chunky or smooth soup, really good consistency dips, ice cream and smoothies. I've also used it to make alternative milks like oat milk and it didn't jam the blades.

It also has a great cleaning system that actually takes a full 6 minutes to run and really gets any residue off the base, and it also alerts you to things like the jug or lid not being secure, which is great when I'm brain-fogged and try to blend things without the lid on.

Anyway, this post brought to you not by Ninja but by @mothman-etd making me some leek and potato soup laden with enough salt to make this POTS episode manageable.

Just throwing the info out there. Hope it helps someone.

[heartandfangs]

NOT IF IT'S YOU— PART ONE.

GENRE University AU, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Romance, Angst, Smut, Fluff 

PAIRING Nerd!Heeseung x f!Reader

WARNINGS 18+ ONLY MDNI, Jealousy, Cursing, Making out, Arguing, Anxiety, Depression, Flirting, Mentions of food, Brief violence, Brief mention of alcohol, Brief mention of somnophilia, Crying (all sorts), Degradation, Breast worship, Multiple Orgasms, Squirting, Coming untouched, Heavy spit play, Light BDSM, Edging, Spanking, Oral Sex, Unprotected Sex, Cream Pie, Dry humping, Praise kink, First-time blow job, Ball sucking, Fingering, Cum eating, Ear licking, Biting, Public Sex, Light bondage, Dom!Heeseung, Brattysub!FemMC, Sub!Heeseung, Softdom!FemMC, Other OC’s

SUMMARY Befriending a nerd who wants nothing to do with you in a coding class you want absolutely nothing to do with becomes the challenge of the semester— and you’re determined to ace that shit no matter what.  WORD COUNT 29k (Fic Total)

AUTHOR’S NOTE Long time no see— it’s P, the romantic at heart! This one’s for the people who play otome games, whose favorite spot on campus is the library, and who are afraid to be loved but want to love as hard as they possibly can.

Enjoy my contribution to the tropey Uni AU genre! Also wtf thank you for 1k followers (If you’re a minor please unfollow me. Idc if that puts me way back under. If you’re not, thank you, and stay tuned bc I will do something to celebrate… once I get through 6 months worth of notifications rip)

See end of part two for author’s note cont.

Masterlist, Part Two

© 2022, Heart and Fangs. All rights reserved. Do not translate or post anywhere.

“Have you ever gotten the random urge to give someone a blow job?”

You lifted your head from your notes, eyes wide and scrutinizing. Why did your friend have to be so damn loud in the library, of all places?

A scoff barely escaped your mouth before you dived back into your textbook, “There’s not a person with a dick on this university campus that deserves one from me. Why? Have you?”

“All the time, but especially when I’m on my period,” Rin confessed, “Hormones.”

“Oh, I bet.”

I don’t know how Rin finds the time to think about these things… 

Your friend pouted while drumming her pencil against the communal library table as if she could hear your judgemental thoughts. There were more important things for you to worry about, clearly. 

You sighed as you began to pack up your backpack to catch your most dreaded class of the semester, coding. 

It was an elective you immediately regretted taking, but you swore to yourself to see it through to expand your skill set. Unfortunately, it was just a week into the semester, and the horrid feeling that you would fail a class for the first time was way too real.

Rin continued to spew nonsense, “Maybe I should check this dating app—”

You slung your backpack over your shoulder and ruffled Rin’s hair on your way to the elevators, “You are a slut, aren’t you?”

“Please stop acting like you’re not,” Rin rolled her eyes and raised her voice just enough to carry over the bookshelves and be heard by unsuspecting students, “There’s only so many otome games one can play!”

“Shhh!” You hissed at her to shut up, eyes shooting daggers at the snickering girl.

She must’ve been spying on you every time you pulled out your phone to take a break. What did she have against your little games? After your first relationship went up in flames, they were a pretty decent replacement for dating and soon became an addictive hobby. 

They were great time-killers, required minimum commitments, and had a plethora of eye candy to choose from. Even if you did screw up, you just needed to wait a few days to replenish your lives. Plus, they all fit in your pocket…

And they could never break your heart like your ex had. 

‘I’m gonna kill you’, You mouthed at her over your shoulder while slamming your fist against the elevator button. 

Rin tapped her lips with her middle finger and sent you a flying kiss. Deep down, she hoped you’d come across a sweet boy for your own good.

While you stared at the colored lines of code on the monitor in front of you, determined to at least figure out how to embed one damn photo onto your website for tomorrow’s critique, your silent tablemate on your left tapped away at his keyboard with ease.

Everything about the guy screamed overachiever; it was 45 minutes after class had ended, and he was still working away on his project after everyone else had left.

Meanwhile, you were pretending to know what you were doing by typing in some random characters and then immediately deleting them. Being the anxiety-ridden person you were, you managed to work up a nervous sweat, your palms going numb.

Fuck, this is embarrassing. I should just leave and figure it out once I get home.

The student next to you didn’t seem to have any issues, but then again, the course you enrolled in was actually a combined class with different levels, and clearly, this wasn’t his first course in the subject. It was definitely an odd curriculum; you weren’t sure why you hadn’t read the class description more thoroughly. 

“Hi! Mind if I sit here?” You asked the student earlier upon seeing the closest open seat available.

The boy didn’t say hello, he merely spared you a glance, adjusted his glasses, then resumed the staring contest with his computer screen.

“Okay…” You said with a touch of annoyance in your tone. His eyes barely shifted to your face in response, and then he was back to typing.

His standoffish attitude from the moment you walked into the class and took the closest open seat next to him irked you more than it should’ve. 

It wasn’t until you sat down next to him that you were thrown off by how big the guy actually was, but even more so, the faint scent of sweet lavender wafting off of him. You weren't sure whether it was cologne or detergent, just that it somewhat reminded you of your favorite macaron flavor.

How unexpected. Well, that ruins it, you thought. 

Even if the guy smelled pretty damn nice, he was snooty in your book. If he didn’t have such an aloof attitude about him, you might’ve befriended him just to reach out for notes in the class in case you got sick. 

Rin often called you a prideful bitch, and you’d brush off her accusations, but deep down, you knew her words had some weight to them. Prideful was a fair adjective; your strong desire to handle your own business kept others at bay, which was great for someone like you who liked to be left to your own devices.

Though pride paired with stubbornness wasn’t necessarily the most beneficial combination when finding oneself in a pinch…

Nearly two hours of the class begrudgingly swept by, and you were still stuck on the initial steps, your brain utterly confused by the jumble of lines and coding rules you had to adhere to. It was a huge struggle to keep up with the pace the professor taught, let alone ensure the material stuck in your brain. 

It also didn’t help that the boy next to you had the audacity to pull up a window of manga on the side to read while you were struggling your ass off.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed at him.

Now, the class was well over, and you still managed to convince yourself to stay even though the shit your professor covered in lecture went in through one ear and out the other. 

After such a long day of stacked classes, your facade slipped, and you dropped your head into your hands. If you were honest, some of your pride slipped along with it. Since you were so busy, the last meal you had eaten was yesterday’s dinner, and you were starving. There were tons of other class assignments you hadn’t even touched yet. 

You bit your lip and watched the boy out of the corner of your eye, debating for a solid minute if you should ask for help. At this point, you were just wasting precious time that could be spent running to the nearest McDonald's for a burger.

In the name of efficiency, you decided to reach out for help from the person you least wanted to ask— but just this once.

“Hey. Could you show me how to add an image to my site? I can’t figure it out even though I tried to follow the directions….”

First, you saw the boy’s brown eyes widen ever so slightly before he looked over you in consideration. 

If he says no, I guess I’ll go fuck myself. 

“Sure.” 

Oh.

Feeling your heart flood with relief, you replied gratefully, “Thank you.”

You were taken aback when you watched him slide off his chair and drop to his knees by your side. He leaned over the edge of the table to take control of your mouse and keyboard, his attention fixed on the debauched code on your screen.

Really, you two could’ve just switched seats, but you decided to let him do his thing while you tucked your hands under your thighs and watched. Your brain was beyond trying to make sense of what he was inputting into your code.

Funnily enough, the silence between you two was even more awkward than it had been before you spoke to each other. Still, you refrained from distracting him, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. 

After a minute, you decided to check him out instead.

Your eyes shifted between the computer screen and his calm, concentrated features since you hadn’t really gotten a good look at him before.

His black, wispy bangs hung just over his dark eyes, and his circular, silver-rimmed glasses sort of amplified their roundness. They held a touch of naïveté in them– but when you looked at him from the side, they were sharpened due to focus.

Admittedly, he had the softest-looking set of lips, the kind that anyone would easily be jealous of. The slope of his nose was just as cute, to your annoyance.

Your eyes trailed downwards to the pronounced curve of his throat, but just for a moment before returning your attention to the screen of code.

He was attractive in an unexpected sort of way.

It actually was kind of sweet that he’d be willing to kneel on the questionable floor of the computer lab to help you out. You wondered if he was trying to make up for ignoring you at the beginning of class.

“Is this the photo you want to add?” He hovered the mouse over the recent file in your downloads folder.

“Yeah.”

You must’ve really fucked up your code because the slowest five minutes passed before he clicked save on your program, and most of it you spent trying to act like you hadn’t been staring at him every other second.

The boy finally stood up with the slightest groan, and to your dismay, the sound went straight between your thighs.

Woah there.

“Try refreshing that,” He instructed while rubbing at his kneecaps through his jeans.

With the click of a mouse, you refreshed the program to see a jpg of your favorite Shrek meme pop up on your otherwise bare-bones-looking website.

“Wow— it actually works. Thank you,” You were unable to help yourself from beaming up at him, rather impressed at his efficiency.

He merely nodded, averting his eyes.

Was he older than you or younger? Did he work on the weekends? Have a significant other? A myriad of ridiculous questions bombarded your mind.

“What’s your name?” You asked.

That was a good, normal place to start.

“Heeseung,” he stretched his arms over his head and winced at the slightest crick of his shoulder. All your eyes could focus on were the sharp lines of his waist peeking out under the edge of his sweatshirt. 

You introduced yourself as casually as you could, “My name’s ___. This really isn’t my thing, so thank you.”

“Anytime,” He said simply, rubbing at the back of his neck.

In a flash of a second, the shameless part of your mind dared to imagine how that shy expression of his might twist into one of pleasure— how his breathy sighs would fill your ears while he was hunched over, bracing himself on the table. At the same time, you pictured yourself between his long legs, mouthing kisses over his bulge, watching him twitch above you all the while.

‘Who’s the slut now?’ You could already hear Rin’s ridiculous comments; she must’ve poisoned your brain with the thought. 

Feeling yourself starting to go slightly demented from the turn of events, you excused yourself and threw your supplies into your backpack to leave as quickly as you could, entirely oblivious to how Heeseung stared after you on your way out.

Heeseung meant it when he said, ‘anytime.’

From that day on, there wasn’t an instance where he didn’t hesitate to help when you asked him for it. Each day, you grew less and less hesitant to ask him for assistance which was… interesting.

What was even more unbelievable was that he never asked for anything in return, and you were so grateful, so smitten by him. The assignments you received were absolutely distressing, yet Heeseung didn’t appear to resent your requests and was always more than willing to lend you a hand. Based on your life experience, that was far from normal. 

There was a question that you just had to ask a few weeks into the semester when he was helping you work on one of your projects for the nth time.

“Honestly, do you like doing this?” 

Heeseung leaned back in his chair and appeared contemplative while stretching his wrists. “No. Coding is a tedious process, but if you’re referring to helping you,” He looked at you with an earnest gleam in his eyes and gave you a small smile, “Yes, I really like helping you.”

It was the first time you felt your heart skip in a while.

Right then and there, you could’ve dropped to your knees and let him use your mouth however he pleased. Fuck everyone else in the class; you would’ve done it.

On a serious note, it was unfortunate that you had nothing to offer him of value in the class.

Your creative mind worked so differently, and you two didn’t share any other classes you could help him with. So you often tried to make up for it by conversing and attempting to get to know him.

Emphasis on attempt.

The downside to your interactions was that he rarely engaged with you on the occasion, even when you tried to initiate a casual conversation with him.

“What are you always reading during class?” You glanced over at his screen curiously one day.

Heeseung was always quick to minimize the extra window when you caught him. “Nothing much, just manga. Need something?”

“What? I— No, I was just wondering,” You’d quirk a brow at him, and he’d return to his task.

Every time you came into class and took the same seat next to him, you’d greet him, and he’d greet you in return but left it at that. After assisting you with an issue, he’d always quietly turn back to his computer and pick up where he left off. Maybe you’d be able to get in a question or two, but he hardly talked up a storm.

Even when you probed him about his life, Heeseung merely gave short replies or shook off your questions. He was so difficult to get to know and apparently didn’t care to hold a conversation with you outside of coding. Still, you were insistent because you were a relatively private individual yourself. Really, you tried to understand where he was coming from.

“I’m so glad I don’t have classes after this,” a yawn escaped your lips as you covered your mouth with your hand.

Heeseung’s typing never ceased, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” You stared at his profile, waiting to see if he’d continue the conversation. After a second too long of waiting, you asked, “Do you have any night classes?”

“I don’t. I have work.”

You perked up in your seat. “Oh? Where at?”

“I’m actually about to change jobs, so it really doesn’t matter,” Heeseung responded curtly. 

You sank back into your chair. “Oh. Sorry.”

He turned to look at you as if to say something, an apologetic expression nearly taking hold of his features, but he seemingly held himself back and returned to his work. 

Still, within the coming weeks, you grew curious about his family as well. One day your curiosity was at its peak, and you rattled off questions about any possible siblings he might have. That was less intrusive than asking about a significant other, right?

“So, are you an only child, or do you have any siblings?” You probed during a particularly long day and difficult class session. When one’s brain was already fried, it didn’t hurt to completely give up on figuring something out, especially if you had Heeseung. 

Just for today, you promised yourself as Heeseung was clicking away at your keyboard, helping you out as usual.

“... I have a brother,” Heeseung hesitated, “Stepbrother, actually. He’s a student as well.”

“No way? Same major as you?”

“No…” and he left it at that, making you wonder if they weren’t on the greatest terms... Or if he just didn’t care to share more of his life with you.

Nonetheless, your attempts to converse with him day after day eventually took a toll on you. Clearly, you were bothering him with the questions, but it’s not like you just chose anyone to put effort into getting to know. Why couldn’t he understand that? Most people would’ve loved getting asked about their life and would easily drone on and on about themselves. 

Rin would cackle at you now if she only knew of your circumstances. As if you would ever tell her with the shit way things were going. 

God, I should just stick to my little otome game apps with automated responses.

After several weeks of your relationship with him going nowhere, your savior became the source of your frustration.

Guys never helped you out without an ulterior motive or expecting something in return, so it was almost inconceivable to think someone like Heeseung existed. His caring personality subverted your initial expectations of him, and you knew his selfless actions came from a sincere place, but still…

This had grown beyond needing his help in class. All you wanted to do was get to know Heeseung because you had taken a genuine interest in him.

Was that asking for a lot?

The day you walked into class and plopped into your seat without saying hello to him, Heeseung knew something was up. The boy had gotten much too used to your greetings every day.

Barely able to contain your irritation with him, you stared straight ahead at your screen and got to work, despite feeling his eyes on you. 

Beside you, Heeseung was desperately trying to read your stoic expression. He’d glance at you meekly, and look back at his computer for a few seconds, only to peer over at you again. 

This cycle went on for the next few minutes until you heard him greet you first, for once.

“Hey, ___–”

“Hey,” You barely spared him a look and settled back into your workflow just as swiftly.

Stumped by your odd behavior, Heeseung drew his hands into his lap and fell quiet once more.

Just when you thought he’d leave you be, Heeseung pulled up to your side in his rolling chair, that signature lavender scent of his invading your senses. His knee bumped into yours but stayed there.

“Do you need my help with anything?”

“No, thank you,” you replied coldly.

You saw him wilt out of the corner of your eye, and something vengeful in you felt good about making him feel the way you’ve felt for the past months. The other part of you just felt plain guilty.

Feeling suffocated, you abruptly left the class to get some fresh air. You were hoping the open-air foyer filled with wooden benches would grant you a moment of reprieve.

Choosing the farthest bench from the entrance, you sat down and propped up your legs, pulling your knees close to your chin. The evening breeze swept across your flushed cheeks, and you were mortified to realize tears were threatening to spill down them.

It was childish of you to reject Heeseung’s attention once you finally got it, but… you couldn’t help it. You knew the attention wasn’t due to any sort of genuine feelings toward you; it was merely your petty behavior that provoked him.

Was this how it felt to be rejected while trying so hard to befriend someone? Is this how people felt when you made them jump through a hundred hoops to get to know you? 

You thought back to when you took the chance to let someone in for the first and last time. Had you just been too much? Or maybe not worth the trouble?

If that were true… maybe that was the reason your first love had cheated on you. 

Old feelings bubbled up in your chest, and suddenly everything really felt like shit. 

To make things worse, you were sulking. Even though Heeseung could tell something was up and was trying to diagnose the situation, he still infuriated you. If anyone had to deal with an aloof individual for as long as you did, you were sure they’d go crazy too.

Especially if they were as cute as Heeseung was.

Fuck. 

There was no way you were about to cry in public over a boy, the most angelic, frustrating boy you’ve ever met. 

Not everybody reciprocated people’s feelings equally, and it was simply life to deal with it. Still…

Once you buried your face into your arms, you released your pent-up emotions with a shaky breath, letting the hot tears fall and soak into your jeans. You decided to stay there for a while, long enough until you knew everyone in class would be gone, so you could rest assured no one would see your pathetic tear-stained face.

It was a good half hour after class ended before you made your way back to collect your belongings and catch the bus to head home. Somehow, you cried for the majority of it as quietly as you could.

It actually helped a bit, as it had back then. 

When you pulled open the door, you froze like a deer in headlights.

Heeseung stared up at you with wide eyes from where he was sitting; he was the only one left in the class, which you hadn’t counted on.

He wasn’t waiting for you, was he?

“Um…” You trailed off and slowly turned to leave again, but he was already out of his seat, making his way toward you.

Jesus—

You were hardly ever standing next to each other, so facing him head-on at his tall stature was intimidating, even with his cardigan and those nerdy glasses of his. Perhaps it also had to do with the unfamiliar look in his eyes and the intense concern in them.

“Are you okay?” He reached out to touch your arm, but you stepped back and caught him by the shoulders, holding him back at arm's length.

Unable to look at him directly, you stared down at your shoes next to his, eyes stinging again as if you didn’t just spend half an hour crying.

Just seeing his face and hearing his voice brought on a flood of confusing emotions.

“Yeah? I-I’m fine,” You insisted.

Even though Heeseung couldn’t see your face, he saw your tears fall onto your sneakers and felt your grip curl into his shoulders.

“___, if it’s something I said or did…” Heeseung’s voice went soft, and you nearly jumped when you felt his hands slide over yours, his thumbs stroking comfortingly over your skin, “You can tell me.”

His mere touch slowly brought your anxiety down, one stroke of his thumb after the other— at the same time, it sent shivers along your skin. 

It’s what you didn’t say or do.

Fear threatened to cut your voice off completely. You took several deep breaths, trying to sort out your thoughts so that you could properly convey how you were feeling. 

Here was your chance to be honest with him from the get-go. It was scary, but you needed to try.

“I consider you as someone who I’m really grateful for, Heeseung. Especially after how much of your time you’ve given me this semester,” You sighed, glancing up at him even though your vision was blurry, “You’re a really talented guy. It’s just impossible to get to know you because you like to keep to yourself. I think I understand why you do. Even I don’t like letting other people in all the time...”

Something seemed to click in his mind at your words; you saw his lips part ever so slightly in realization, his eyes widening a fraction.

“... But it’s still hard to be on the receiving end of that. However, if that’s where you want me,” You pulled your hands out of his, letting them drop to your side, “Then there’s not much I can do about that.”

Quietly, you brushed past him and packed your backpack in a hurry to leave.

Heeseung fell silent behind you, and when you left him, you kept your eyes trained on the floor.

The next day, you remained in a foul mood as you chose to sit on the opposite side of your table to avoid the tension of being next to Heeseung for two hours straight. As you expected, the student who usually sat there confronted you about it.

“Hey, this is my seat. I’ve been sitting here all semester.”

You didn’t care to grant her your full attention and continued typing, “I don’t see your name on it.”

It was definitely a shitty thing to say, but you couldn’t bring yourself to give a damn at that moment. 

She was stunned into silence and subsequently stomped over to the next row to take her seat next to Heeseung. There was no doubt that he overheard your confrontation. 

Class sped by while you were laser-focused on completing everything you needed to get done for that period— without Heeseung’s help. At least one good thing came out of taking notes and watching Heeseung work these past several weeks; your evolving skill set. You were far from excellent, but you had gotten at least a bit better with the basics. 

This time, you didn’t plan on sticking around after class.

It seemed like Heeseung was prepared for you not to because the moment you stood up and bolted to the door, he was already out of his seat, hot on your trail.

Heeseung called out your name.

You ignored him, even as he easily caught up with your pace. His silence yesterday already confirmed all you needed to know about how he felt about you. 

He caught your elbow, and you stopped to look him dead in the eye. “What do you think you’re doing? Let go.”

Heeseung immediately released you, “Sorry, I just wanted to talk—“

A menacing force slammed into your back, propelling you straight into Heeseung’s chest. Someone halfway down the hall called out a sarcastic apology, but it barely registered— you were startled by how Heeseung steadied you against his hard body.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” You scowled, already shaking his hands off despite your body aching at the feeling of him so near, “What did you want now?”

Heeseung‘s eyes wavered, but he managed to hold your scrutinizing gaze. 

“Do you want to grab dinner?”

He really felt the pressure of an impending ‘no’ when all you did was stare at him.

You frowned, “What?”

Heeseung gulped but continued, “You don’t have any other classes for the day, right? There’s a really good Thai place just on the edge of campus, and their Pad Thai is the best— at least within a 20-mile radius.”

Was he doing this all of a sudden because he pitied you?

“You don’t need to do this.”

Heeseung looked like he was on the verge of panicking, but just as quickly, a sense of determination overcame him. 

He took a step forward, “But what if I want to?”

You looked off to the side, “I’m confused. Why all of a sudden?”

“I know it’s like I’m doing this out of the blue,” He sounded in a rush due to nerves, so he slowed down his speech, “I’m not good with words, and it’s true that I’m easily distracted by my classes. But I do care about you, ___.”

Your chest throbbed as he peered down at you from under his lashes with furrowed brows, “I know I’m usually pretty distant, and I can’t make up for everything in a night, but I really would like to talk with you over dinner… only if you want to join me.”

Heeseung’s expression appeared so hopeful, and his gaze held an amount of tenderness that had you shifting your weight under the unusual attention you were receiving. 

What was that look he was giving you?

He felt you brush by him, and he hung his head. 

Heeseung felt his stomach twist with guilt, he knew you wouldn’t give him a chance after how he’d been treating you—

“… Fine.”

Heeseung straightened up with wide eyes and turned to face you as you set off in the completely wrong direction. 

“It’s this way,” He eagerly called after you.

You came to a quick halt, then turned back around, crossing your arms, “Lead the way then.”

He smiled to himself when he heard the unmistakable sound of your stomach grumbling ever so faintly.

 

Walking across campus with Heeseung was convenient because the majority of people made plenty of room for the two of you, all thanks to the giant by your side. Usually, they’d have no issue bumping shoulders with you or overlooking you. 

Must be nice to be able to part seas of people, you thought enviously. 

Heeseung remained quiet for the majority of the walk except for mentioning a direction here and there. All the while, you were trying to anticipate what Heeseung might have to say to you once you got to the restaurant. 

The sky grew to be a deep orange by the time you entered the quaint Thai restaurant at the front of the campus. A simple aqua blue neon sign that read 01 Thai shone across asphalt above an old, cream colored building. While you considered their signature menu options, you turned Heeseung’s words over in your head.

“I do care about you, ___.”

Do you really?

“And what would you like to order?” The cashier asked you.

“Oh. I guess I’ll try the Pad Thai.”

“Anything to drink?”

“Just water, please,” You absentmindedly dug in your pocket to hand over your card, but Heeseung was already handing over his. 

Your brows drew together as you quietly glanced up at him, not wanting to make a scene.

He gave you a nervous smile, “My treat.”

You looked over your shoulder for seating, “I’ll Venmo you later.”

“No need,” He shook his head, guiding you to a corner table. 

“I will.”

Even from across the small wooden table, Heeseung sensed your lingering discomfort, understandably. He looked like he wanted to say something, but so did you, so he waited.

After a contemplative moment, you met his eyes and folded your hands on the table. “Heeseung, don’t tell me you're doing all this just because you feel bad.”

“No— I mean, in a way, yes. I know how I can be, and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that. I never meant to hurt you the way I did.”

I really did emotionally throw up on him yesterday, and his silence didn’t make it any better. Even now, I still feel high-strung about the whole ordeal, but he seems sorry about it…

“Listen, I get that you feel guilty, but if you really do just want to be friends, there’s no need for anything crazy. Just talking would be nice to start.”

“Right...” He stared right at you. 

Your brows knit together once more at the uncertainty in his voice.

“Right,” Heeseung repeated, almost to himself, “That’s doable. Although guilt plays a significant part in driving me to do what I’m doing… Please know it’s not my only motivator.”

Heeseung startled you when he reached out to take one of your hands in his. You still looked utterly confused, so he exhaled softly before squeezing your hand and running the pad of his thumb along your knuckles, just like he did back in class. 

Goosebumps immediately broke out on your skin from the heat of his touch.

Oh.

Behind his glasses, his eyes were intent; you had his full attention. “I’ve been really out of touch with people these days, and I regret it. However, I had some personal things I was working through. It’s not an excuse, but I do care about you, ___. I hope you can eventually find a way to forgive me.”

At his sudden admittance, your heart rate began to pick up. Immediately you hated how vulnerable his words made you feel, but that also meant that they were real. His forwardness rendered you genuinely speechless; even your mind drew a blank. 

It seemed like he could sense it.

“I-I see,” You stared at your daintier hand in his own, then looked back up at Heeseung’s keen gaze. 

His brows drew together, and his lips curled upwards ever so slightly, “Am I making you nervous?” He sounded like he was making a discovery. 

Heat immediately flooded your face once more, and you took your hand back out of embarrassment. 

He gnawed on his lip, his eyelids lowering a fraction, “Sorry.”

A waitress pulled up to your table with a tray of steaming bowls, and Heeseung thanked the waitress as she left while you reached for a pair of chopsticks.

“What kind of question is that?” You mumbled while you picked at your noodles. Your brain was failing to make sense of Heeseung’s feelings towards you.

He didn’t let up.

“You make me really nervous, ___,” Heeseung dared to reveal in a low voice. 

As he expected, his declaration drew your attention back to him. Your eyes narrowed at Heeseung, who wore a small yet knowing smile, clearly trying to get a rise out of you. 

Is this really the same guy who chased me down to grab dinner with him?

Little did you know the boy sitting across from you was attuned to your every movement— from the quickened pace of your breath to the twitch of your leg when his knee brushed against yours underneath the table.

Naturally, he would be after spending so much time at your side for the past couple of months, taking note of your little habits and mannerisms. 

He also knew you’d be skeptical for a while after this, that it would take time to prove his sincerity once more. Heeseung was willing to overcome that by any means.

When Heeseung realized he had stunned you into silence, he finally looked down at his own plate. “I’m sorry, I’ll stop teasing. Let’s eat before it gets cold.”

“Agreed,” You were grateful for the change of subject because you just barely survived his sudden undivided attention. Also, you were beyond famished.

All the while, your mouth was watering at the sight of the food, so you took a bite of the Pad Thai and savored the flavorful spices on your tongue. It was pretty damn good, Heeseung had taste. One bite of noodles, and suddenly, you felt as though you were gaining back your senses. 

He’s kind of flirty, isn’t he?

After several more bites and a nice gulp of cold water, you felt ready to hold a proper conversation.

“Don’t bullshit me anymore, Heeseung,” You commented, propping your chin up on your palm.

He chuckled softly, and you squinted his way.

“I’ll try my best, ___.”

Over dinner, Heeseung allowed you to delve into his mind, which was certainly a treat. 

Not without difficulty, of course. 

His answers remained vague unless you pressed further; it was like pulling teeth, but you could tell he was trying. With enough persistence, he divulged you.

“Do you just really like to keep a low profile?” You asked, referencing his deflection of your attempts at conversing with him during class, “I mean, I figured you just found me annoying.”

Heeseung slowly began, “I wasn’t in the best headspace this semester. Things at my old job weren’t going well at all, and those issues combined with the stress of my classes resulted in me feeling very closed off from my surroundings.”

You scratched your cheek. “I see. How does that usually affect you?”

“I tend to isolate myself under pressure, and it becomes difficult for me to connect with… well, those around me,” Heeseung explained, running his fingers back and forth over the grain of the tabletop. 

“Hm, that’s tough. Honestly, you always seem like you have your shit together.”

Heeseung shook his head, “It’s… a facade of sorts.”

“Well, a lot of people have one,” Your eyes wandered down to your plate, it had been scraped clean for a while. 

The shop was empty save for you two, it must’ve been growing closer to closing time, what with the moonlight shining through the windows. 

“Yeah? What’s yours?”

Ah, now it’s his turn to take a shot at me.

Being vulnerable was difficult, especially with all of Heeseung’s attention on you. Silence fell over you two, but he waited, even when it felt like you weren’t going to speak. 

“Probably enjoying being alone. Not that I don’t, but it depends on how I’m feeling that day. I see independence and loneliness as two sides of the same coin.”

It was the truth, to an extent. You enjoyed the benefits of being independent, but there was a fine line between that and being lonely. 

“It’s a normal human thing to go through,” You shrugged.

It’s how I’ve always been, and it usually keeps me safe. But I can’t believe I just admitted that to another person, let alone Heeseung. Though that’s the whole point of this conversation, isn’t it?

“Um, anyways…“

“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel lonely.”

Your eyes flitted to Heeseung’s expression; he seemed cautious yet sincere.

“Don’t be. It’s not your responsibility to make me feel otherwise.”

It was a difficult realization to come to, and as such, you gave a detached response. In due time you’d have to see if he meant everything that he said.

With an inward sigh, you felt disappointment replace the anger that had been slowly filtering out of your system for the past hour. Heeseung was willing to try to be friends, which was more than you could’ve asked for, so deep down, you fought your desire for him. You were being given the chance to take things day by day and come to terms with the reality of your situation. 

“Besides, being lonely is a good skill to have. It’s weird to say out loud, but I really think it is,” You stated, glancing out the window into the dimly lit streets, “It’s useful and easier than most people think.”

When Heeseung said nothing in response, you turned to look at him once more, wanting to hear his voice. 

Something from him, anything.

Instead, you met those dark brown eyes behind his glasses; they contained a mix of something you couldn’t place and a tinge of sadness, but most surprisingly– knowing.

You fidgeted with the hairband on your wrist. “What? What’s wrong?”

Heeseung spoke, “Nothing… What do you mean?” 

His question seemed hollow as if he feigned confusion; his eyes told you everything yet nothing, all at once– like he could see right through you. 

You shook your head, voice coming out as a whisper, “I don’t know… You’re making me nervous again.”

“Sorry,” Heeseung blinked and shifted his eyes elsewhere, and suddenly you felt like you could breathe, but just barely. 

He distractedly removed his glasses to pinch at his nose bridge, and that’s when your breath caught in your chest. 

A slight smile tugged at your lips, “Hey, you look different without your glasses.” You were apt to change the subject.

“Oh, really?” Heeseung moved to adjust them back in place quickly.

“Wait,” you leaned over the table and placed your hand on his to stop him, wanting a better look, “You look really handsome. Not that you don’t with them on, but���.”

Heeseung noted how intrigued you looked, the fascination brightening your features. It was certainly a contrast to the way you regarded him just a moment before. “I’ve worn glasses my whole life. I don’t look odd without them?”

“No, but I think you’re cute either way—“ You curiously brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes, and his brows rose in surprise. 

Upon realizing what you had done, you promptly sat back in your seat and stuffed your hands in your pockets. 

“I— You just look different,” You tried to cover up your embarrassment with a smile. 

You hadn’t intended on getting touchy, but you just couldn't help it. Then again, he comfortably initiated way more physical contact with you today than he had all semester. 

Heeseung quietly glanced off to the side, and then his eyes were back on you without a moment’s notice, observing.

Ah, there’s that churning sensation in my stomach again.

Even though you could see his eyes clear as day, you couldn’t read him as easily this time.  

“Thanks,” His eyes flitted away as he fixed his glasses back in place.  

Uh-oh. Did I mess up? Did I turn him off by touching his hair? Or with my comments on his appearance?

“We better go, I think they’re closing,” You rubbed your cheek while throwing your backpack over your shoulder, “Thank you for dinner.”

“Sure. Thanks for hearing me out… and for sharing,” Heeseung led you to the door and held it open for you.

His voice sounded odd, almost tight. 

“Yeah...”

It had been a rollercoaster of a day so far; you weren’t sure what kind of note you were going to end it on. 

The brisk night air hit your skin and made you shudder. You turned towards the bus stop across the street, anticipating an arrival soon, “I’m headed over here. I guess I’ll see you in class?” 

When you glanced back over your shoulder, Heeseung was looking after you in such a way that caused you to freeze. His demeanor had shifted from the start of dinner to now like there was a barely tamed intensity about him. He felt unpredictable— he even seemed on edge. 

What was going on? Maybe you really stepped on his toes earlier with your comment about his glasses. It certainly wasn’t your intention; you meant it as a compliment. 

He could’ve been self-conscious about it, you idiot!

Heeseung gave you a curt nod, “Get home safely, okay?” 

You frowned. 

“Okay…” You paused before giving him a quick hug. 

Next to free food and a bit of communication, hugs diffused most escalating situations, right?

But even to you, it felt like a blur; you barely gave him enough time to return it, and then you were slipping out of his grasp just as quickly as you had drawn close. 

“Bye,” You whispered. 

Taken aback, Heeseung dropped his arms to his sides as he watched you jog across the street to board the bus that arrived a moment before and nearly took off without you. 

He inhaled deeply.

Now, his whole body ached. 

Oh, he hated you even more for that.

The cold suddenly seeped into his skin. It hadn’t affected him until you left his side. 

Your bus took off just as his phone faintly vibrated in his pocket. He lost count of how many times it had gone off during his dinner with you, but he hardly paid it any attention. He ignored it for the past two months but couldn’t bring himself to block the number. 

Finally, he decided to answer it. 

“Heeseung! Do you know how many times I’ve called you today? And the day before? Over the past eight fucking weeks? We were supposed to meet–”

“I was at dinner—” Heeseung immediately kicked himself for even sparing an excuse. There was no need to anymore. “Please stop calling me.”

His thumb hovered over the button to hang up and block her number; he should’ve done it earlier. 

“Don’t do this to me, love.”

Anger slithered up his veins, “How else do you expect me to act after all that you’ve done?”

“What you saw wasn’t what it looked like—“

Beep—

That’s what she’d said in the hundreds of voicemails she left, or so he guessed. Listening to one was sufficient. 

From that day on, Heeseung dialed back on the forwardness he displayed in terms of physical contact with you, and you couldn’t figure out why for the life of you. However, your conversations in class were plentiful and on friendlier terms, save for the interesting underlying tension that persisted through his frequent teasing comments and lasting stares. 

That’s not to say there was a complete absence of flirtatious touching, he simply wasn’t as outright with it. But you noted each subtle instance with amusement whether it was a tap on the shoulder, a bump to the knee or an accidental brush of hands when he’d reach for your mouse. 

He seemed somewhat back to normal compared to how you left him that one night, but something definitely changed between you two. 

On the other hand, you soon discovered the breadth of his sense of humor. The off-handed, dry comments he’d whisper about some odd gesture or explanation the professor would make had you snorting in your seat— turns out you weren’t the only one who occasionally got annoyed with the way your professor taught. 

Even so, together, you both managed.

Thai food after class became a routine for you both, a couple of times a week. Ever since Heeseung made an effort to open up, sometimes you’d talk up until the last bus was available for you to catch if he didn’t have work, and other times, you’d work on assignments together.

For every question you asked him, it tickled you that he had one for you of equal measure. These brief moments with Heeseung stood out from your otherwise mundane campus life. Unfortunately, things didn’t always go according to plan.  

One evening, a meeting with your advisor concerning your schedule for next semester ran over time significantly and you were 30 minutes late to your dinner at 01 Thai with Heeseung. 

The frigid air lashed across your face the moment you stepped outside the administration building causing you to wince. It was an evening filled with storm clouds, and the sun had long set; it was starting to get darker earlier in the day. You reached into your pocket to update Heeseung on your whereabouts but let out a frustrated grunt when you realized your phone had died on you. 

Fuck. 

The restaurant was on the complete other side of campus so you decided to cut through a back way that was a bit more obscure but quicker than usual. The first droplets of rain hit your skin before it turned into an outright downpour by the time you were half way across campus. 

Just my luck. 

There weren’t a whole lot of shaded areas along the buildings in the back route you took so you braced yourself through the chill until the droplets began to feel like ice pellets. It was too much so you chose to take shelter when you came upon the first shaded area that came into view near the back exit of a building. 

Something on the floor caught your eye as you quickly approached. A dog with soaked fur was curled up on its stomach and appeared to be breathing irregularly. On instinct, you kneeled down to run your hand over its fur, and it let out a thin whine. 

“Oh, you poor thing. Where’s your owner?”

You felt along its furry chin for a tag and found purchase in a sleek, black collar. However, there was no tag with an owner's contact to be found.

Maybe it’s a high-tech tracking collar? 

With your back against the wall, you slid down to sit for a moment, enduring the mist that the wind blew against you both, cradling the dog close. “I don’t think the rain will let up any time soon… You don’t wanna come with? You just wanna stay here and wait for your owner, huh?”

The dog merely blinked up at you. 

“Alright, then you need this more than I do. Hopefully they’re just around the corner…”

You shrugged off your jacket and used it to dry off the pup a bit before swaddling it in the fabric. After you finished and went to scratch its chin, it licked your palm non-stop.

“You’re welcome,” You stood up with a giggle and readjusted your backpack. Although it was storming, if you let Heeseung wait any longer it would give him the wrong idea. 

You received stares from other students the moment you stepped through the restaurant doors since the single layer of your T-shirt was soaked through. Immediately you crossed your arms over your chest but made a beeline towards Heeseung who sat in the corner. 

He looked you over with concern. 

You couldn’t help but stutter from the cold, “S-sorry. My meeting ran late with my advisor and my phone died—“

“It’s okay, I figured. Weren’t you wearing a jacket in class earlier?”

“I—I may have given it away…”

“To who?”

“To a dog I saw on the way here…?”

You realized how ridiculous it sounded once you said it out loud, but the soft spot you had towards canines made you do silly things from time to time. 

Heeseung raised a brow at that, “Did you just lose it?”

“Sure, I lost it on this awfully cold day, ” You rolled your eyes.

Heeseung shook his head with a snort, and tugged his hoodie over his head, “Well, why don’t you change out of that?”

A chill racked through your body but you brushed it off, until you glanced down to see your shirt plastered to your body and around the prominent outline of your black bra. 

“Um….”

“Here,” Heeseung deposited his hoodie into your arms before you could refuse, “I’ll ask them for a plastic bag to hold your clothing. Your food just came out, so go change.”

“Thanks.”

As you ignored the stares from others occupying the restaurant and clicked the restroom door shut, you gave yourself a once over in the mirror.

There really wasn’t a spot on you that wasn’t damp. You stripped out of your top and bra then proceeded to squeeze them out over the sink before tossing them into a plastic bag. You dried down as much as you could with a wad of paper towels then tugged Heeseung’s hoodie over your head. 

Immediately, you were enveloped by his scent; a light sweetness with new undertones of soft musk you hadn’t detected before. The fabric was still warm against your skin with his body heat which made you feel odd. 

You slowly tugged the collar up to your nose then dropped the fabric abruptly. 

Let’s not make this weird. It certainly beats being cold and wet. 

Heeseung eyed you once you remerged. “I ate already and was about to go looking for you to drop off your food.”

You plopped down across from him. “Yeah, sorry. Do you have to go soon?”

He glanced at his phone screen. “In about 10 minutes, for work. I’ll hang out for a while, though.”

“You don’t wanna work on an assignment while I eat?”

Heeseung pressed his cheek against his palm and leaned onto his elbow, his languid eyes on you, “Mm-mm.”

You stared at him before proceeding to shovel the tasty noodles into your mouth, “Okay.”

Heeseung chuckled, “How’d your meeting go?”

“Fine, I guess. My advisor thought he screwed up and almost made me think I had to take an extra two classes, but we straightened that out. I’m on track, and I’ll have a decent load to finish off next semester since it’s my last.”

Heeseung looked like he was in thought as you shared your schedule with him.

“None of those classes ring a bell.”

That fact bummed you out, more than you’d ever show. “Oh, really? What’s your semester looking like next year?”

“Hm, since it’s my last semester too, I’m thinking of going for an internship, it’s about time.”

You dabbed at your lips with a napkin, “That’s actually really good. I need to do that…”

“It’ll help when you apply for jobs, for sure.”

The impending doom of your future weighed heavily on your shoulders, and Heeseung seemed to notice you suddenly felt burdened. 

“So, you like dogs?”

You glanced up mid-chew, “I do!”

“Did you really give a dog your jacket?” Heeseung squinted. 

“Would you believe me if I said yes?”

“Maybe the second time around,” He was amused at how you pouted, “What breeds do you like?”

“I like all breeds. The funniest dogs are ones that are like humans. During last thanksgiving there was this one dog at my aunt’s that wouldn’t let me pet him at first. So, I let him be and sat in the living room alone, but every so often he would saunter in and get closer to me every time,” You laughed at the memory, “Then eventually he got so close, I just stuck my hand out and he pressed up against me for pets. Finicky but adorable…”

Heeseung cleared his throat, and wore a sheepish expression, “Sounds like it… You don’t own any dogs?”

“Not yet. I’m saving up and waiting ���till I’m done with school. I want to be able to give it the attention it deserves.”

“I think that’s smart.”

You sighed, “Yeah… I wish I had one.”

As you finished your food, Heeseung finally said what was truly on his mind. 

“You should be more careful about walking around campus without a working phone. It gets dark faster these days,” He began. 

His scolding caught you off guard. 

“I am cautious, I’m not dumb,” You interrupted, “And I didn’t mean to. I would’ve charged it in the library or something but I didn’t want to keep you waiting—“

“It would’ve been fine if you left me waiting a little longer to do that. It’s such a big campus where anything could happen when you least expect it, so you should always have your phone on,” Heeseung motioned for you to hand over your phone, “And I know you know that.”

You pouted but dropped it into his hand, and he connected it to a portable charger he took out of his backpack, “Alright, mother.”

Heeseung sighed but gave you a small smile anyways. 

“Are you still at your old job or did you start your new one already?” You asked since Heeseung felt at liberty to say what he wanted. 

Heeseung’s eyes turned troubled. “Still there. Just for a little while longer.”

You pressed, “Where do you work?”

Heeseung’s lips parted to answer but he seemed to think better of it. 

“It’s not the greatest place,” Heeseung checked his phone and stood up, “Sorry, I’ve gotta go. See you.”

You bit your tongue. “Won’t you get all wet if you’re walking to work?”

“Uber,” was all he said with a tight smile, “Don’t worry about it. Get home safe.”

Heeseung left you his charger as he stepped outside into the rain, the deep slope of his shoulders inciting a sense of regret in you. Perhaps you shouldn’t have pushed him on the topic when it was clearly sensitive for him. He didn’t deserve your snappy attitude after he expressed his worry for you either… but you knew he wouldn’t hold you to it because that’s the kind of person he was. 

When you weren’t grabbing dinner with Heeseung, there were evenings when you would pour over your studies and meet Rin in the library, like you always had. 

“So, how are your otome games going? On to the next one?” She questioned. 

Oh shit. You’ve been neglecting your pixel husbands basically since the start of the semester—

“I actually haven’t touched any games in a while.”

“Really now?” Rin seemed unsurprised at such a revelation as she continued, “How about that coding class? These days you seem less stressed about it….”

“Yeah, I finally picked up a thing or two. There’s actually this guy who’s been—“

Rin jumped out of her seat and pointed at you accusingly, the screech of her chair drawing annoyed looks from other students. 

“I’ve been fucking waiting for you to bring him up!”

Your eyes widened, “Wait, how do you—”

“Shhhh!” Someone hushed. 

You both put your heads together and dropped your voices to a whisper. 

“How do you know Heeseung?”

Rin explained everything in detail, perhaps too much detail. Figuring out Heeseung consulted her the day you cried in front of him made your face burn. 

Apparently, he hung out enough in the library to recognize Rin as your friend, although you certainly had never seen him while studying. 

“Truthfully, at first, I was mad at the guy for upsetting you; the dude was too honest for his own good and actually told me he was in deep shit with you. I nearly caused a scene in here, but he seemed really apologetic and genuine about wanting to make things right with you. 

So, I told him food was the way to your heart, but I warned him you’d be a little stuck up about paying for yourself. Seriously, you have the weirdest eating schedule just to achieve ‘optimal efficiency’ and avoid ‘brain fog’ or whatever,” Rin grinned. 

Well, she wasn’t wrong. Free food definitely helped on top of everything else Heeseung managed to pull off since then.  

“I appreciate that, but I can’t believe you knew about everything the entire time,” You felt a tad guilty for not looping her in on the situation, having thought she would’ve teased you about it, “And that he actually went out of his way to ask you about me….”

You couldn’t help but look at him a little differently now. He was serious. 

“Well, I only knew what happened up until that day, but you seemed better these past several weeks, so it looks like my advice worked.”

You slid further into your seat and stared up at the ceiling, “Yeah, I suppose it did.”

“I didn’t want to ruin anything, so I stayed quiet. He’s very cute,” She grinned at you.

You paused, “We’re just friends.”

“What? All that drama for a friendship?”

“Hm…”

Rin rose an impeccably plucked brow at you. 

“Yes,” You sighed, patting her head. 

Your friend pouted, “I would’ve guessed otherwise, girl. There’s still time, though.”

Was there?

Soon enough, another month had flown by— finals were around the corner, and both you and Heeseung were typing up code for your class project when you ran into your first distressing issue in a while. 

You called to him without taking your eyes off the screen, “Hey, something’s off, and I can’t figure out what. I swear if it’s just an extra period somewhere, I’m gonna—“

Heeseung was at your side in a heartbeat, “Let me see.”

You scooted your chair over to make room for his, but he got comfortable on the floor. “Stop kneeling. You know you’re gonna permanently fuck up your kneecaps, right?”

“I’m used to it,” He said simply before he froze up as if he had said something wrong. 

Assuming that he was poking at you, you scoffed, “I don’t ask you for help that often anymore, Hee.”

Heeseung cleared his throat and got to work on your code, “No, I know.”

While you waited for him to finish diagnosing the issue, you secretly inhaled his familiar, comforting scent of sweet lavender out of habit.

You saw him smirk out of the corner of your eye. 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Seriously, what?”

He shrugged, “You’re doing that thing you do every time I get close.”

Fuck. When did he even– Fuck—

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The tapping of keys halted.

A mischievous lilt made its way into his voice as he faced you, “We’re gonna go that route?” 

“Yes. Yes, we are because you are not going to out me here,” You hissed under your breath. 

“Ha, so you admit that you do take a whiff—“

You took hold of his jaw and forced him to face your computer screen, “Focus.”

Heeseung eyes darkened, but he let out a chuckle. 

You were pressing two fingers to your temple and looking anywhere but at him, so you failed to notice. For the moment, you put aside your pride and stayed quiet until he figured out what the hell was wrong with your project. 

God, how embarrassing. 

A few keyboard and mouse clicks later, and Heeseung was settling back into his seat. “It was an extra period on line 976.”

“Of course it was,” You rolled your eyes and heard him laugh even harder. He was quick to figure out how often he could test your patience…

“Why do you always smell like pastries?” Your sudden question came out as an accusation. 

At this point in your friendship, you found yourself blurting out random things that were on your mind when with Heeseung, and he managed to learn how to go with the flow. 

“I bake in my spare time,” He said, clearly amused. 

You gawked at the new discovery, “I—I guess that explains it….”

“I’ve always baked, it’s sort of just a hobby I never thought to share.”

You swore there was always something to learn about the guy, even at the quick rate that you’d gotten to know him.

“Well, what do you do with all the stuff you make? Keep them all for yourself?” You jabbed at Heeseung.

“No, I just…” His voice quietly tapered off, so you were unable to catch his last words.

“You what?”

“I’ll just give it away to the homeless on the street if I deem it edible,” He muttered. 

“Huh,” You turned to Heeseung, “That’s actually really sweet.”

“It’s nothing,” He pressed his lips together and continued, “By the way, I just started my new job, and my shift is in the evening, so… we’re going to have to postpone Thai nights.”

“Oh. You started your new job finally?” Your heart and stomach dropped; you were so looking forward to it before you’d have to really buckle down for finals, “I guess we’ll have to postpone them. The timing, though….”

Postpone them until when? The two of you had completely different tracks from here on out. Would he even want to hang out with you next semester when there was nothing else to bind your schedules together?

Heeseung leaned over to rest his elbows on his knees, appearing contemplative while watching you cycle through the endless thoughts in your mind.

“I work at this new cafe about ten minutes away from campus. Do you want to drop by and check it out after class? If you want, you could study there until I get off, and then we can have dinner at my place.”

Dinner at his place?

He saw the way your eyes blew up, and he couldn’t tell if it was in shock or excitement. 

“Don’t feel pressured, it was just a thought,” Heeseung brushed off a piece of lint on your knee, his touch lingering, “I get off at around 10:00, so it’d be a later-than-usual dinner.”

“S-sure,” Your voice pitched unusually high, and you nearly threw up in your mouth. 

Geez, calm down! 

Heeseung looked pleased as he stood up from his desk and slung his backpack over his shoulder, “Shall we?”

The moment you stepped foot in the new cafe, your body appreciated the drastic change in temperature inside, the weather was extremely chilly these days. Didn’t change the fact that you’d order something iced, though. 

“Take a look at the menu, I need to get changed, and I’ll be right out to make you something to drink,” Heeseung ushered you further into the store, his hand at your lower back. 

“No problem,” You held Heeseung’s warm gaze and forgot to breathe. 

As Heeseung set off to the back, you exhaled and took in the bright, cozy interior of the cafe along with its high ceilings. Evening light filtered through the tall windows, casting the whole place in warmth. 

What a nice cafe to work at. I could study here more often too.

The aroma of ground coffee beans and sweet pastries filled your nose, causing your brain to perk up at the thought of caffeine even though it was evening. The people that occupied the space were relatively quiet– the seats were mainly filled with a few students and young professionals. 

An empty table was waiting for you in the corner, so you set down your belongings there and pulled out your wallet. Curious about their menu, you returned to the counter to consider the items. 

A handsome, light-haired young man eagerly approached from behind the bar upon seeing you, “Hi there! What can I get for you?”

Your brain raced for an answer even though you were supposed to wait for Heeseung. “Um, I’ll try the iced matcha latte….”

“Perfect,” He gave you a thousand-watt smile, “Anything else I can get you? We have macarons that we bake daily.”

“Sure,” You considered the colorful rows of macarons behind the glass counter, “I’ll try a lavender one and a vanilla bean.”

As the boy picked out your macarons, you imagined how Heeseung might look like working his shift here, from his mannerisms to his barista skills and if he dealt with customers easily or not. It was something you’d never thought of previously since you had no clue about his work.

“I threw in a couple of other popular flavors on the house,” the boy gave you a wink, making you blush unexpectedly.

“Oh, thank you so much!”

The barista took a step to his right without taking his eyes off you and bumped right into Heeseung, who suddenly appeared. You noticed he looked especially cute in his work uniform, somehow fitting your exact image of how a barista would look in his white button-down and his chestnut-colored apron. A smile made its way onto your face; his glasses completed the coffee connoisseur look. 

“Sorry, man—“

“Hey, no worries. I’ll ring her up,” Your eyes widened at the slight insistence in Heeseung’s voice that left no room for argument, “Jake, meet ___.”

“Hey,” Jake gave you a little wave, despite looking a bit confused at why Heeseung intercepted. 

“___, this is my friend Jake. He also goes to our University,” He mentioned while tinkering with the cash register.

You took out your card and gave Jake a shy smile, “Oh, nice. Great to meet you.”

He winked at you, “Likewise.”

Apparently, only hot people work here, you surmised. 

You thought you saw Heeseung pout at the exchange between you and Jake, but whether or not he actually did, he ignored your card and handed over your bag of macarons, swiftly stepping away to prepare your drink.

“Wait, I need to pay—“

“I’ve got you. It’ll just be a few minutes,” he called over his shoulder and got to work.

Your cheeks grew warm. 

Why did he have to act so sweet sometimes?

“I mean, I knew you had a girlfriend, but you should’ve told me she was dropping by,” Jake chuckled as he pulled up by Heeseung’s side.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“She’s not?” Jake questioned. 

“But I’m interested in her,” Heeseung clarified while frothing your matcha latte a bit too aggressively. 

“Aw,” Jake moped, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, “That’s too bad, she’s kinda….”

When it went silent, Jake playfully glanced over at Heeseung, who was staring him down. He slapped him on the back, “Only messing with you, dude.”

“Right.”

Just as you finished unpacking and settling in at the corner table, Heeseung approached with your matcha latte in hand and set it down in front of you. 

“That was quick,” You felt giddy getting the special treatment.

“Give it a try, and let me know if it needs anything.”

You stirred the pretty green liquid with the straw and took a sip, glancing up at Heeseung as you did so. Heeseung bit his lip and tilted his head expectantly.

“It’s perfect.”

“Good, just let me know if you need anything,” He smiled, but before he could leave, you caught his sleeve.

“Wait, have a macaron before you go. Jake gave me a lot,” You randomly chose the dusty pink one that smelled like roses and held it up for him to take.

Instead, he drew close, placing his hand on the back of your chair to steady himself, parted his lips, and waited. You glanced up at him to check if he was joking, but the glimmer in his eye said otherwise.  

Woah—

Brain on autopilot, you fed it to him, and he took a bite out of the fresh macaron.

He licked at his lips and smirked at you, “Thanks.”

After he disappeared behind the counter, you dropped your forehead into your hand, flabbergasted. You just knew your face was so red. 

This crazy ass—

What, did he expect you to finish the remainder of the macaron? 

This was too much for you to handle– Heeseung was too much for you to handle today.

And, of course, you finished it.

Two hours flew by at your table while you were jamming to some nostalgic tunes in your own little world while studying for your upcoming finals. 

Feeling the urge to stretch, you took off your headphones and extended your stiff limbs with a wince.

Condensation ran down your empty glass of matcha, and you had finished nibbling on your macarons earlier. Besides the lavender and vanilla flavors you had chosen, the rose one was pretty aromatic, and the other strawberries and cream flavor Jake picked out for you was delicious. The snacks certainly whet your appetite, and now you were more than looking forward to having dinner with Heeseung… at his place. 

You peered at Heeseung over the top of your laptop as he kept busy behind the espresso bar; Jake was a very charismatic cashier, as you experienced first-hand, while Heeseung was rather efficient at serving up beverages and hopping in to take orders when needed. They seemed to handle themselves well as a team, as far as you could tell from the past couple of hours.

Girls and guys often wandered in to gawk at the two, and you completely understood why. Nonetheless, it didn’t help the surge of discomfort you felt when you caught two girls checking Heeseung out from behind. There was nothing you could do but seethe in your seat.

Relax. They’re not the ones headed home with him tonight. 

Ah, that reminder helped, sort of. 

Now you were feeling antsy about the fact that Heeseung had invited you over in the first place. There was no way you prepared in any way, shape or form with how little heads up he gave you, but you couldn’t have easily passed up the opportunity to get a look at his place and spend more time with him. 

And if he baked, he had to be a good cook, no?

The chatty girls ended up being the last customers to leave the cafe, except for you in the corner, partially anxious but mostly content because you were alone, and so was Heeseung. 

After a quiet period, you were drawn from your studies when a woman who stood out from the average patron strolled into the cafe. She was dressed well enough to convince you that she was a model or at least an influencer of sorts, especially by the confident way she held herself. 

Jake welcomed her warmly, and you were about to slip your headphones back on when you heard her speak, “Hello. Does Heeseung work here?”

“Yeah! Do you want me to get him for you? He’s prepping food in the back.”

“Please.”

Who is she? A friend?

Jake made his way to the back kitchens. “Hey, Heeseung! Someone’s here to see you!”

“One sec,” You heard Heeseung call. 

The woman stood calmly and patiently at the counter; she appeared to be in her mid-twenties and looked sharp in all-black fashion with a set of alluring, shadowy eyes. An uneasy feeling passed through your stomach at the way she suddenly rolled her shoulders and neck— you couldn’t put a finger on it, but if it involved Heeseung, you didn’t like it.

Heeseung emerged from the kitchen doors, and you became deeply concerned at how his face went stoic upon seeing the mysterious woman. Jake sensed something was off as well and looked back and forth between the two. 

“Hi. I hope I caught you at a good time. As you know, I’ve been wanting to chat,” Her tone was overtly sweet. 

Heeseung rounded the counter and approached her, dropping his voice to an inaudible murmur. 

Whispers were exchanged between them; you focused on trying to read their lips, but it was difficult. They were familiar with each other, that much you could tell. However, they couldn’t have looked like more complete opposites. 

Feeling that you were being nosy, you stopped staring and returned to your project at hand, not wanting to overstep any further. 

A sharp slap followed by a harsh clatter resounded in the empty cafe, alerting you.

Shocked, your head whipped towards the source of the noise, only to see Heeseung, whose face was angled away from you. Your sights landed on his glasses on the tile floor.

The woman standing in front of him took an easy breath, but the way she flicked her wrist gave away her rage.

Somehow, you were already standing from your seat, crossing the floor, “Excuse me. Did you just–”

The woman kept her eyes trained on Heeseung, “Mind your own business, love.”

Jake jumped in front of you, waving his hands, “Jesus— Easy, easy. I’ll handle this.” 

Red filled your vision once your brain registered what had happened, but you had enough sense to stand your ground a safe distance away— for that woman’s sake.

“Get her out of here before I do it myself,” you gritted out. 

Jake nodded and was quick to address the woman, “Miss, I’m not sure what’s going on, but you can’t just assault our staff. I’m going to have to ask you to leave immediately due to store policy.”

She eyed you, and her sharp expression slowly morphed into a feigned smile, startling you.

“Just one more thing,” She inclined her chin towards Heeseung, “Then we’ll chat back at my place after you wrap up here, alright, love?”

Heeseung’s gaze flickered at the woman, but he said nothing. 

She sauntered up to him, much too close for anyone’s comfort, and reached out to take hold of his chin, her sharp nails gauging into his skin. Stunned, you watched him shut his eyes tightly, how his brows drew together— and then he caught her wrist before she could get any closer.

Heeseung spoke in an extremely deliberate tone, “No. This is the last time I’ll be saying this to you. We’re finished. We’ve been finished. Do you understand?”

As the woman’s fingers curled into a fist, so did yours. 

“Leave. If I see you bothering any customers or staff who occupy this space, I’ll let the authorities deal with you,” He warned.

“I’ve taken care of you since we were children, Heeseung.”

The statement took you by surprise. 

“We’re done talking,” Heeseung tugged her past you and Jake towards the cafe entrance. She pulled back on his grip, but he remained unfazed. 

The two of you watched him take her outside and proceed to lock up the front of the store. Jake quickly followed and began to pull down the blinds as the woman pressed up against the windows. Her eyes slowly dragged over your form in the most demeaning manner. 

“Talk about a crazy ex,” Jake murmured to no one in particular, pressing his back against the covered window. You exhaled heavily, speechless at the turn of events.

When you bent over to pick up Heeseung’s glasses and inspect them, you noticed a lens had cracked. One could only imagine how much the slap must’ve stung. 

Heeseung touched the small of your back, “I’m really sorry you had to see that.”

Feeling left in the dark, you turned around and gave him a look of confusion, “Exactly how long has it been since you broke up with your ex?”

“Since the start of the semester,” Heeseung answered right away, “This is the first time I’ve seen her since. I don’t know how she found out about my new job.”

“And she still can’t take a hint?” Jake asked while cleaning up behind the register. 

“She will now because I’m not entertaining her games.”

You felt relief, but you immediately regretted the question. 

What a thing for me to ask after everything that just took place, you thought, ashamed. 

“Are you okay?” Your hand was shaky when you reached out to touch his cheek. 

His fingers brushed against the back of your hand in reassurance. 

“I’m fine. I’ll be better once we get out of here and grab something to eat back at my place,” He managed to give you a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

[wandasbbg]

The Woman Nextdoor - mommy!wanda x fem neighbor!reader

Wanda was new to the neighborhood. After a long and painful divorce from Vision, what she and her boys needed was a fresh start. That start came in the shape of four green walls, a white front door, and a fenced in backyard. What she didn’t know was that her new start would also come in the shape of you. 

warnings: 18+ content, sexual themes and language, age gap, blood.

6.6k words, kinda slow burn, it's worth it tho!

this is my first fic, hope u like it :)

Wanda was new to the neighborhood. After a long and painful divorce from Vision, what she and her boys needed was a fresh start. That start came in the shape of four green walls, a white front door, and a fenced in backyard. What she didn’t know was that her new start would also come in the shape of you. 

Sunday Night, two days after moving in.

“Alright boys, I know you’re probably nervous for tomorrow, starting at a new school and all, but just know that Mommy is so proud of you both for being so brave throughout this whole thing. I know we are all going to be so happy here, and I know you’re going to love your new school. I can already tell that you’re both going to have so many friends by the end of this week. It’s going to be good, okay?”

Billy and Tommy looked at each other, and then at their mother. The brothers knew how stressed their mom was, and they both wanted to be strong for her, especially now that their Dad was gone. Despite their fears, they smiled courageously for their mother and nodded in agreement with her sentiments.

“Okay, good. If either of you need anything tonight you know I’m just down the hall.”

Wanda put the boys to bed, kissed them goodnight, and went downstairs. She walked into her unfurnished and undecorated kitchen in search of some wine. She found some, thankfully, and sat down on their new couch in their new living room, in this new town, with everything new. Her worries about the boys and school tomorrow washed away somewhat after her second class. Wanda knew she should stop herself after two, remembering what more than 3 glasses did to her. 

It had been 6 months since Wanda had been touched by another, despite her separation from Vision only being 2 months ago. For some reason Wanda couldn’t name, she poured herself another glass. The boys were asleep and she desperately needed some relief from the copious amounts of stress clinging to her back and shoulders. The red from her wine began to dance its way into her cheeks, leaving her face very warm. That flushed feeling was growing, and it was quickly traveling down her tired body. Wanda placed her glass down on her new coffee table, and unbuttoned her jeans. Her un-manicured nails slid down into her underwear. She felt herself, her own wetness, and a grunted moan slipped out. She threw her other hand over her mouth…and she kept going. Thinking of nothing but that familiar feeling, one she thought she may have lost, came crashing back to her. It soon sent her tumbling over the edge, as she pumped herself full of her own two fingers, using her thumb to play with her clit, breathing heavily into her hand.

Wanda dumped the last sips of her glass in the sink and went to her new bedroom. She laid in bed, drunk, exhausted, and alone. 

Monday Morning, three days after moving in.

“Remember, if at any point something happens you just go and find Ms. Maddie. She’ll help you, and she can call me in an emergency.”

Wanda waved her boys off as they were carried away on the school bus. As she stood there, and the bus disappeared from sight, something caught her eye on the other side of the street. You replaced the image of the bus, as you stood outside and washed your car. Wanda observed your bikini top and jean shorts, looking like Miss Americana. She stood mesmerized as you bent over to dip your sponge deep in the bucket; she watched you flip your hair as you brought the sponge back up to the hood of the red convertible, in what she assumed was your driveway. All those feelings from last night came flooding back and before she knew what she was doing, she was calling out to you. 

“Hi!”

You kept washing, headphones blaring as you scrubbed your beloved car, oblivious to the woman trying to get your attention. Wanda figured you must have not heard her, so she waved her hand and tried again.

“Hello! I’m Wanda, your new neighbor!”

You saw something moving frantically from the corner of your eye, which scared the shit out of you, you being a jumpy person since you were a kid. You quickly turn toward the motion while letting out a tiny yelp. Wanda had made her way over to you at this point, standing a few feet from you and your car. 

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.”

You took your headphones out to be greeted with the kindest smile you’d ever seen. Quickly collecting your thoughts, you threw your sponge in the bucket at your feet and look back at this new woman. 

“Don’t worry about it, I startle easily. Uhm…My name is y/n. What did you say your name was again?” You asked, wanting to know more about this new, insanely beautiful character who stood before you.

“Wanda,” she breathed out with a certain softness, “me and my boys moved in a few days ago right across the street.”

This woman was absolutely, breathtakingly, painfully beautiful. Her auburn hair was tied up in a loose bun behind her head—effortless and stunning. Her shirt highlighted her breasts so nicely, you had to look, just for a second. She wore jeans that hugged her in all the right places, and low-top sneakers like someone your age would wear. She was gorgeous, and she was talking to you, which meant you needed to pull it together and talk back. 

“Oh! So that’s why I don’t recognize you. I definitely would remember someone like you.”

Wanda smirked at your confidence. She admired you already, and couldn’t help but think how beautiful you were. She also couldn’t help but think of all the things she wanted to do to/with you.

“Thank you y/n, you’re very sweet.”

You blushed at the subtle praise, already realizing what deep shit you were in if this woman lived literally across the street from you. It dawned on you that she could be visible from just the opening of your curtain, and thus, you could be visible to her, too. 

Wanda knew she had a chance here and now, so, with nothing else to lose, she took it.

“Well, we’re still trying to get situated and all moved in. It’s just me and the boys, so, if you have some free time, I’d really appreciate some help with the last of the boxes.”

Without hesitation, and in fear of her changing her mind or something equally as horrible, you answered her inquiry with embarrassing eagerness.

“Of course! I mean, yeah. Yes. Just let me know when and I’l be there. So long as I don’t have work, of course, and before I leave to go back to college, but that’s not for another three weeks, which you wouldn’t know–I’m rambling. Sorry. My answer is yes, Wanda, I’ll help you.”

Wanda reveled in your obvious flustered state from her proposal. She felt good knowing how eager you were to help her—to please her. It sent her reeling. She needed someone in her life like you, even just for a little bit. She craved any kind of love. You were shockingly beautiful and Wanda decided that not only did she need you, but that she just had to have you, no matter what it took. She would make you hers. Lucky for her, after only one interaction you wanted that too. You wanted very much to be hers.

“Perfect. Let me have your phone, sweetheart, so I can put in my number.”

You practically threw your phone at her, your hands still being wet from the sponge. You watched her hands work at the task at hand, typing her digits in, and marveled at her. Her hands, her arms, the way a certain vein popped out as she moved her thumb. You were finding it all incredibly sexy, and all she was doing was using a goddamn phone. You were fucked. She finished and handed your phone back to you, smiling seductively. As both of you held each end of your phone, she looked you up and down, unashamedly. 

“And don’t be afraid to wear this little get up whenever you stop by.”

Before you could answer, Wanda spun on her heels and walked back to her new home, hips swaying the whole way. She swiftly made her way to her own front door. She had gotten

herself quite worked up after the whole interaction and needed to relieve some tension in the privacy of her own home. She left you there, absolutely dumbfounded, just as she had intended. 

Wednesday Morning, five days after moving in.

Wanda woke up soaking wet after yet another dream of you beneath her, screaming out her name. This was becoming a recurring issue, one that Wanda needed to resolve soon. She didn’t have time to help herself out, as the clock told her it was time to wake up the boys for school. Thankfully, they were loving it so far, and Wanda could not have been more relieved. They had even asked to set up a play-date with a new friend they had made. Wanda’s heart filled with pride when she considered the resilience of Billy and Tommy. They were her life. Without them, she’d be nothing. She was so lucky to be their mother. This morning, however, she was wishing she could just have a little more time to herself before beginning her day. But alas, mothering is a full time gig. She got the boys up and ready, driving them to school and dropping them off with a kiss and hug goodbye. When she drove back, she realized that her mind had once again wandered to you. She wondered what you were doing, who you were with, what you were wearing… You were like a drug she swore she would only try once, but of course, became addicted. She hoped you were outside doing something when she got back, or your curtains were open and you were in your room. She wanted to see you, even if you didn’t see her. Luckily, she didn’t need to worry about that. You were outside laying on your lawn with a blanket and a notebook, scribbling in it with focus and beauty.

Wanda parked her car and immediately made her way over to you. Without a word, she sat down next to you. You looked at her, then back to your notebook to keep writing. You were trying to play it cool in front of the woman—nonchalant if you will. After a beat, she spoke. 

“Tell me what you’re writing.”

“And why should I do that?” you teased back. 

“Because I want you to, and you don’t want to make me sad.” She looked at you with some kind of evil puppy dog eyed look, and you were helpless.

“No, I guess I don’t.”

Your notebook contained shitty poetry and prose. Half-thoughts, diary entries, random notes. You had been working on a poem about a woman who looked coincidentally like Wanda, naturally. 

“But” you continued “I can’t. It’s embarrassing.”

“Y/n”, she countered, “I promise it’s not. Please?”

“Why do you want to see so bad anyways?” you questioned, genuinely curious.

“Because I want to know more about you.”

With that, you melted. You would be embarrassed, but maybe she would find it endearing. You considered your options, and realized that you really only had one move here.

“Fine.” 

She reached out to take the notebook from your hands, but you quickly swiped it behind your back.

“On one condition. You tell me something about yourself afterwards.”

Wanda playfully rolled her eyes, but agreed. You handed over the notebook, and she flipped to the most recent page. She read the beginning lines of a poem about a woman, with hair like fire and the magic of a saint. She was shocked. You were writing about her? Really? A smile graced over lips that she could not hide. She knew you’d never admit it was about her, but she also knew that it in fact was, meaning that you found her alluring. Opting to save you the embarrassment, she didn’t let you know directly that she knew, even though she was sure you assumed.

“This is beautiful, y/n, you have a real gift. This woman you're describing sounds beautiful.”

“She is.” You said quietly, looking down at the notebook she placed back in your lap.

“Okay then, I guess it’s my turn.”

You smiled up at her, forgetting your embarrassment with this opportunity to know more about your new neighbor.

“Anything specific you want to know?” she asked you.

“Nope. Tell me anything you want.”

Wanda loved your response. She loved that you were willing to take anything she gave you, clearly just happy to hear anything about her at all.

“Alright, dear. Let me think.”

Wanda looked at the sky, waiting for something interesting to dawn at her. You watched her red hair fall gently across her shoulders as her head tilted up. You saw her eyelashes flicker slightly as a bird flew above the two of you. You wished you could reach out and touch her—feel her warmth.

“When I was your age, I fell in love with a woman.”

Your jaw hit the floor with a loud thud. You had not expected her to say anything like that, yet, you were so unbelievably happy that she did. 

“You’re going to catch flies, y/n” Wanda giggled through her words, amused at your surprise. 

You closed your mouth quickly and cleared your throat. 

“I like girls too, you know. Well, now you know. So what happened? To her, I mean.”

“I met my ex-husband. My whole life I was told I needed a husband, that I would die without one. So, Vision came around and offered me a stability that she couldn’t. I loved her more, so much more, but I chose him. I got my boys from it, so I’ll never regret the decision. I just wish things could have been different. No, I wish I had been different.”

“Wow, Wanda. I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you went through that.”

Wanda could see your genuine concern for her in the furrow of your brow, and the twisting of your ring. It warmed her. She hadn’t felt that kind of care in a long time, it was refreshing. It also made her want you that much more. 

“Thank you, honey. But don’t worry, that was a very long time ago. I’m a different person now.”

“Still, you must have missed her sometimes. Or atleast the touch of a woman. I know I would have.’

Your eyes widened at your own boldness. Why did you just say that? You barely know this woman. Before you could offer an apology, you realized she was laughing. You smiled.

“Yes, I suppose I did. I do.” Wanda smiled at you, and continued. “Especially lately now that it’s just me. I do miss the touch of a woman.” Wanda made fierce eye contact with you as she said this, taking a brief moment to look at your lips. She saw your cheeks get redder and redder, blushing at her innuendo. She smiled with you, enjoying the youthful, playful side you brought out of her. Both of you stared at each other. You suddenly noticed her leg touching yours, your pinkies brushing against one another. You looked back up at her, already looking at you. She was smiling, so damn beautifully. You instinctively leaned in. You couldn’t help yourself. She followed your actions, putting her hand over yours. Then…your phone rang. 

You scrambled to pick it up and answer. As you spoke to your friend, calling over a stupid reason, Wanda took your notebook, ripped out a page, and scribbled a note with your pen. While you spoke and gesticulated with some annoyance, Wanda leaned to you and left a light kiss on your cheek. Your words stopped coming out, even though your mouth still moved. You watched Wanda wink at you, then get up and walk back over to her house, without looking

back. You told your friend you had to go. The note Wanda left flapped in the wind. Your heart leapt at the sight, and you quickly read it.

Thank you y/n. You made my day. I’ll see you soon.

Yours, 

Wanda 

Wanda watched you read her note through her window. She saw you clutch it your chest, and fall on your back, still holding it tightly. She giggled like a goddamn teenager. She really liked you, and she really wanted you. She wanted you to be hers. 

Friday Afternoon, one week after moving in.

With two weeks left before you packed up your stuff and headed back to school, you were busy as a bee. This didn’t stop you, as you hoped it would, from thinking of Wanda. You’d developed a habit of checking your phone every five minutes, hoping she would text you and take you up on your offer to help out. You saw the piles of boxes in her garage, just yesterday, still unmoved. You figured it was only a matter of time. You refrained from making too many plans this week, in case she would call or text and you were all unavailable. You’d never forgive yourself. Thus, you stuck to your front porch, or your front lawn, which clearly had worked out for you. 

You continued to do pre-class readings, sort out plane tickets, last minute roommate communications, etc.. Though it was your second year, you were still nervous to go back. Though, not even your back to school nerves kept your gaze focused on your task at hand. You were currently back out on your porch, watching the sun begin to set, as Wanda’s car rounded the corner and pulled into her driveway. The boys flew out of the car and into their backyard, immediately beginning to play with a soccer ball. They were happy to be done with their first week of school, no doubt. Wanda gracefully stepped out of her car and gathered her things. She glanced over toward your house, expecting to find you on the porch. When she was met with your gaze, obviously staring at her before she had looked at you, she beamed. She had been watching you through her window, without your knowledge, and the sight of you overjoyed her. 

Some might find that behavior strange, but she loved it. At night, she’d open her curtains to find yours already opened. She enjoyed watching you as you danced around your room, talked to your friends (she tried to push her jealousy aside during those nights), cleaning up, or, her favorite, when you would touch yourself. She couldn’t wait to replace your hand with your own. There was also a part of Wanda that was still afraid of rejection. Vision had treated her like she was nothing—like she was completely useless. Those words stubbornly remained in her mind, but your beauty compelled her. She shut her car door and waved to you.

“Hey y/n! Mind helping me out with those boxes tonight? I want to have the weekend to relax.”

You couldn’t hide your smile if your life depended on it. You had been waiting for what felt like forever, (two days) and, though unlikely that Wanda would feel about you the way you felt about her, you had to try something tonight. If it didn't work out, you reasoned, you’d be gone soon enough and could forget about the whole thing. 

“Yeah! Right now? Or later?” you asked.

“Now. It’s already 4 and this might take a while.”

You were up and across the street in record time. Your books were left on the porch steps, along with any dignity you had left. 

“Thank you so much y/n, I really appreciate this” she said as she touched your arm with affection and gratitude. Chills spread from her point of contact over your whole body, and all you could do was nod and say “It’s really no problem, Wanda.”

“Good,” she said, “then let's get started.”

What you soon found out was that by “let’s” Wanda meant “you”. At first she started moving some things here and there, but it quickly became you who did all the heavy lifting and Wanda who praised you and asked if you needed anything. You, of course, were happy to comply. 

“Wow, y/n. You’re stronger than I thought. Do you work out?”

You were flattered at the compliment, it sent a certain warmth through you. 

“Uhm, yeah, sometimes. Not too much I guess. I’ve played sports all my life, so it probably comes from there.”

“Hmm” she hummed in acknowledgment “well you sure know how to put those hands to work.”

The box you were holding fell onto the ground with a startle. You were sure she didn’t mean it like that, but you couldn’t help but take it that way. Especially not after so many nights of imagining her saying something oh, so similar. You dropped down to pick up the box, proclaiming apologies for your clumsiness. 

“No, leave it there. I’ve overworked you. The sun has gone down, and there are only a few more things. I can manage the rest tomorrow.”

“But what about your weekend of relaxation?” you asked playfully.

“Your wellbeing is much more important to me, y/n.”

You swallowed at that sentiment, and gave in.

“Well, alright then, if you’re sure.”

“I am. Now come inside with me, I’ll make you some dinner.”

“Oh, no Wanda you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. And, it’s the least I can do. I really have to insist.”

You were learning that there was really no point in arguing with Wanda, she seemed like a woman who knew what she wanted. However, even the woman’s intimidating demeanor could not rid of your playful nature. 

“It depends. How good a cook are you?”

She fake gawked at your question, prompting a giggle from her. You swore you’d spend the rest of your summer trying to hear the sound of her laugh as much as possible.

“I guess you’ll just have to come inside and have a taste.”

Right away, Wanda regained the upper-hand. You liked the teasing and flirting that seemed to be happening.

“I guess I will then” you offered, running out of sly things to say.

The boys walked into the garage, asking their mother when dinner would be ready.

“Half-hour boys. Oh, and y/n will be joining us.”

“Cool! Y/n do you play soccer?” Tommy eagerly asked you.

“Yeah, actually, I do. Wanna play while your Mom cooks dinner?”

“Can we Mom?” They asked in unison.

“Really? You’re not tired of it yet? You’ve been playing all afternoon! And y/n is tired, I’ve been working her very hard out here.” Wanda looked at you and smiled, as if you and her had some kind of secret communication going. 

“Please mom! We’re not tired!”

Wanda sighed and looked at you. “You’re sure?”

“I’d be happy to.”

Wanda watched you run off with her boys, and she felt something odd. She felt the need to care for you, to protect you. She had only had a few interactions with you, but she had a feeling this whole situation would be more involved than she had planned. You were so sweet, so innocent, so helpful. Wanda was saddened at the thought of you being with anyone else, or you leaving her to go to school. She knew that how these two weeks would go was up to her, if you wanted her like she wanted you. Tonight she was going to find out.

She was lost in her thoughts as she cooked dinner on auto-pilot, making plans for the two of you. She stirred the pot of sauce and imagined you in her bed, trying to be quiet lest to wake up Billy and Tommy. Before she went to call all of you in, she stood behind the sliding glass-door and watched the game the three of you were playing. She imagined a family, a loving home, but quickly pushed that feeling deep down. Even she knew it was too soon for that. She couldn’t handle another loss in that regard, and so she opened the door and called for dinner. 

It was, of course, delicious. The three of you ate like animals, asking for seconds within minutes. Wanda twirled her pasta around her fork, watching you talk with her boys.

“Wanda?”

“Hmm?” she said, snapping back to reality.

“I said this is really good, thank you.”

“Well I’m glad you believe in my cooking now, y/n. You should know that I never disappoint.”

The boys continued talking to one another, but you had gone silent. There was no way Wanda wasn’t flirting with you. You didn’t want to ignore her signs and potentially lose the opportunity to be with this amazing woman, but you also didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. As a woman who likes other women, you were constantly aware of your female relationships and the potential of a female friend taking your affection as flirting, or predatory in some way. This held you back in the love department, but you weren’t stupid. This was flirting, and now that you were more comfortable around Wanda and her boys, you gained back your confidence.

“Well that’s good to know. I’ll have to test you on that some time.”

Wanda smirked. You were definitely reciprocating her advances. The boys finished their dinner and Wanda told them it was time for bed.

“But Mom! We wanna play with y/n! Plus our bedtime isn’t for another 20 minutes!”

“Boys, I’ve had a very long day. Can you please just listen to your Mommy?”

Wanda noticed your breath hitch at her use of the word. She smiled as she felt her own panties growing wetter. 

Remembering their promise to each other to not make their mom more stressed, the boys sighed in defeat and headed upstairs, their mom following.

You stood there awkwardly, waiting for Wanda to return downstairs. You knew you shouldn’t leave, and you didn’t want to either. You wanted her to make a move so bad it hurt. You were confident, and you could flirt, but when it came to actual sex you needed to be led. Lucky for you, Wanda had a similar craving. 

Wanda went to her bedroom and took off her clothes to reveal the lingerie set she had been wearing the whole day. She tied a see through robe-like cover around her, the same color black as her set, beautifully highlighting her scarlett locks. She walked down the stairs to you. She descended, and with each step, watched your eyes darken and your jaw drop more and more. 

“Y/n…” she said, slowly walking over to where you stood in her kitchen, leaning on the counter.

“Yes Wanda” you said more like a statement and less of an answer to her vocation.

“Would you like to join me upstairs?”

“Yes, please.”

You didn’t mean to say please outloud, but you noticed what it did to Wanda. Her pupils grew and her hands found yours. She turned around and led you back upstairs to her bedroom. She opened the door and guided you toward her bed.

“Have you been thinking about me, y/n?”

“Yes” you truthfully answered.

“Yes, what?”

“I don’t…I don’t know” You pushed out in slight confusion.

“Yes you do, baby.” 

All at once it hit you, like a wave of understanding, like some kind of enlightenment.

“...Mommy. Yes, mommy.”

“Now that’s a good girl.” She sat on her knees in front of you on her bed, you sitting with your back against her headboard. She slid her hands beneath your shirt up to your tits and began to lightly massage them. You tipped your head back slightly, pushing your chest deeper into her palm. 

“I’ve been thinking about you too.”

A wave of heat struck you in the face. You looked at her, still finding it hard to believe this was happening at all. 

“You have?”

“Oh, don’t act so innocent, sweetheart. I know you kept your curtains open on purpose. You wanted Mommy to see you playing with that pretty pussy. Isn’t that right, honey?”

“Yes, Mommy. I…I wanted you to see me.”

“I know, baby. Mommy knows how hard it must have been. Was I ignoring my baby girl?”

“Please, Wanda.”

Wanda rolled your nipple harshly, leaving you a gasping mess.

“That’s not my name, sweet girl.”

“I’m sorry. Mommy, please. Please touch me. I need you.”

“Look at you. So eager. You’ll take what Mommy gives you. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Good. But baby,” she grabbed your face with both hands so you were looking her in the eye, “if at any point you want to stop, say the word “red”. Alright?”

“Okay.”

“Perfect. Now take your clothes off. Mommy wants to see you.”

You began to strip, dropping your clothes on her floor. Before you began to remove your underwear, Wanda stopped you.

“Wait, honey. Let Mommy do that.”

She stretched your legs apart a little, and ran a finger lightly over your covered cunt. She stopped at the wet spot that, to you, was growing embarrassingly big.

“Oh, poor baby” Wanda cooed and tutted. “I know you need Mommy so bad. I know it’s just so hard. Let me take care of my darling.”

Wanda slowly pulled down your panties, leaving them with the rest of your clothes on her floor. She smiled with pride at how desperate you were, how utterly needy. You were putty in her hands.

“But, what about you? I want to see you too.”

“I know baby, I know. Just let Mommy play with you first, okay? You want to be good for Mommy, don’t you?”

“Yes. Yes I’ll be good.”

This was what you had been waiting for all week. The thought of disappointing Wanda brought tears to your eyes. You wanted her to take over you—to fill your senses so intensely that you could only see, hear, smell, taste, touch, all that was Wanda. You laid there obediently, waiting for Wanda to initiate whatever plans she had for you. To consider those plans in your head made you impossibly wet, just like any other thought you had of Wanda. Your stream of consciousness was interrupted by a light touch to your inner thigh. You looked down at Wanda who was looking at you, watching, and waiting for your reaction.

Wanda traced her finger up to your abdomen, marveling at your muscles tensing under her touch. She continued with both hands up to your chest, over your breasts, and up to your cheeks. Wanda hadn’t kissed you yet. She was waiting for this moment. The moment you were totally willing to submit to her, and then to finally lay her claim on you. You looked into her eyes then down to her lips, then back up at her eyes. She knew you wanted her to kiss you, and she knew you would wait for her to breach the gap. Watching your lip quiver in anticipation sent Wanda over the edge, finally, as she leaned in and connected her lips to yours. A tear fell from each eye down your cheeks, from pure joy. Her pillowy lips landed softly, lovingly on yours. Your hands went up to her cheeks, but hesitated before touching her. She smiled into your kiss and took your hands in her own, placing them on her own face. It confused you, but you didn’t think too much about it as your lips began to dance together. Wanda picked up the pace with a certain hunger, her tongue swiping your bottom lip asking for entrance. Immediately you opened for her, and moaned in neediness. You were still completely naked under her laced body, your pussy throbbing with anticipation and need. Wanda continued to kiss you passionately as you whined beneath her. You needed her. Wanda stopped suddenly. She sat back on her knees and held her hands toward you. You grabbed them and sat up looking at her. She pushed your hair behind your shoulders, gently, taking her time.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, y/n. Do you know that?”

“Thank you.” You didn’t know what to say, so you just turned your head into your shoulder. 

She grabbed your chin so you were looking back at her. She kissed you again while pushing you back onto the bed. 

“Mommy’s going to taste you now, and I’m going to make you cum over, and over, and over again, until I decide that you’ve had enough. Do you know why, y/n?”

“Why?” You ghosted, no more than a whisper.

“Because I own this pussy. No one touches it but me, and I am going to ruin it for anyone else.”

You moaned. Loudly. You were almost sobbing at this point. You were so deep in your own head that you were barely registering her words. All you could think about were her hands on your thighs, and her words whizzing around you. 

Wanda heard your moan and watched in awe. She loved that sound. She needed to hear it again, right away. Wanda slipped a finger into you, watching you bury your face in the pillow. She didn’t move it at first, she only watched you squirm around her hand, trying to gain some friction.

“Patience, detka.” Wanda laughed in a low and evil tone. She began to go in and out, tortuously slow, watching you get worked up as she moved. She knew that after all this time you would be close from just these few movements. She added another finger, and began to pick up the pace, just enough to get your hopes up, before she slowed back down again. It was torture. It was marvelous. You could feel your stomach tightening, and you struggled to  believe it. She had done so little, yet, you could feel a need to release building up inside of you.

“Are you close already, baby?”

You hmphed in agreement, not able to open your eyes or mouth.

“Good.” And she stopped. She took out her fingers entirely, and saw the tears begin to pour. 

“Please, no, Mommy. Please—I need you inside of me. I need you to touch me. I can’t wait anymore.”

Hearing you beg like that turned something on in Wanda, something primal. While she was getting soaked herself teasing you out, leaving you a begging mess, she needed more.

“Careful what you wish for” is all she said before sliding two fingers back in and pounding with a merciless pace. Her lips connected to your clit while she pumped you full of her fingers. She licked and sucked, adding a third finger when she heard you yelling, “Oh God! Yes! Yes! You feel so good Mommy, you feel so fucking good.”

You whined as Wanda reached her other hand up to play with your tit. She rolled your nipple between her fingers and squeezed as she continued to pump hard and fast. 

“I’m gonna—I’m—Wan—Mommy please—please can I cum? Please!”

Wanda took her mouth of you to grant you permission, and good thing because you were already releasing into her mouth the second her lips reattached to your center. You had never cum so hard in your life. Now all you wanted to do was curl up in Wanda's arms and fall asleep. But she wasn’t done. You were incredibly sensitive, but her pace didn’t give. She went harder, almost violently, as she slammed into you. She came up to you and kissed you, stifling your moans. She continued to pump in and out with three fingers, as she moved down to your chest. She bit your collarbone fiercely, waiting for you to whine, to then smooth her tongue over it and ease the pain. You could feel a tiny bit of blood dripping down your tits, and you watched Wanda continue to leave hickeys and love bites, absolutely making sure that everyone knew you were hers. She sucked your nipples and smiled into them, feeling your hand in her hair. She might have cared another time, but not now. She felt your walls closing around her fingers, and could feel your rhythm spasming out of control.

“Go ahead and cum, my love. Cum all over Mommy’s hand.”

You moaned so loud your throat burned and your eyes watered, but you couldn’t help it. Your nails dug into her shoulders, leaving little half moons along her beautiful skin, which you might have cared more about if you weren’t feeling the deepest pleasure of your lifetime thus far. You back arched up and your body twitched violently, before slowly coming down and riding out your second orgasm on her fingers. Your hand reached down to push her fingers out of you, as black mascara tears continued to escape due to your overstimulation. 

“All done baby, don’t worry. You were so good for Mommy. I’m so proud of you.”

Wanda removed herself from you and headed for the bathroom, still in her lingerie. She came back with a damp washcloth, which found your thighs and stomach, and then your cheeks. Before she wiped your face, she took in the glorious sight of you.

“You look so beautiful right now. A tear-stained mess, all for me. You took Mommy’s fingers so well, honey.”

Rather unexpectedly, you sat up, and just hugged her. You cried into her shoulder, as she rubbed your back up and down, shushing you gently.

“What is it sweetheart?”

“I don’t know. I’m not upset, I promise. I don’t know” you said in a raspy whisper, your throat very sore.

“I’m right here, it’s okay.”

You nodded, feeling such a deep and loving warmth as she held you. You realized you could stay in her arms forever. So, when Wanda asked you if you wanted to spend the night, it was an immediate and grateful yes.  Wanda gave you some of her pajamas, and you wanted to cry again, just from how happy you were. She made you tea, for your throat, which she felt slightly bad about. She was just happy that the walls were thick, and the boys were heavy sleepers. After you had talked a little in her kitchen, Wanda could tell you were extremely tired. She led you by hand up the stairs into her room and shut the door. You got into bed and, as soon as your head hit the pillow, you were asleep. Wanda wrapped her arms around your waist and faced you, watching you breathe in, and out, for what could have been hours. She would have been happy to watch you all night, keeping you safe and warm in her bed with her. She traced a finger around your face, down your nose, over your lips. She kissed your eyelids and your cheeks, finally laying down and letting her own eyelids fall. She could think about you leaving and her own hesitations tomorrow. Tonight, all that mattered was that you were hers, and she had all of you. She realized, as she drifted off, that she could never let you go. What she hoped, and what was true, of course, was that you had already become just as attached, making these next two weeks extremely turbulent yet magical.

--

That's it! Thanks for reading :) I can continue this if anyone is interested, just reply or comment or whatever if so. I can definitely see this going multi-chapter, y/n's last weeks before leaving, Wanda and y/n dealing with that, etc...

[rayisemo]

Webtoon comics I think are underrated.

Now, I just want to make it clear that when I say “underrated” I don’t mean as if it isn’t heard of or been read, just that it’s underrated in the sense that nobody talks about it, makes posts about it, fanfics, fan arts, etc.

…and if you haven’t read these then I highly recommend you do!!! It’s so worth it, trust! I’ll add in a little review too!

1. DEATH: Rescheduled (Thriller)

The story in short is about a world where you have the Kill Law, a law where you are legally allowed to kill one person a year, no consequences. However the “Penny” Kreyul and his friends disagree with the Kill Law and are going to put an end to it no matter what.

Death: rescheduled had me so captivated that I refused to sleep before I finished reading. I even spent money on this shit because it was so entrancing! My favourite episode was by far 66, it was so funny and it builds up ships and just pure wholesomeness of the group.

The characters all have great personalities, the story is amazing and omg the art is so beautiful. You’ll love it.

2. Sable Curse (Fantasy)

This story follows a young girl named Tarron, a girl who is cursed and will die in 6 months. Her (honestly abusive) parents decide to take her and her sister to a holiday retreat. There she ends up finding new friends, herself, potential love, and maybe even a cure for her curse. But as it turns out, she’s not the only one cursed either.

This story is amazing! The art is wonderful, the characters are perfect, some we hate, some we love. We learn throughout the story more about this curse, and even about this special holiday retreat. There is so much mystery to uncover and it is one of my favourite webcomics.

Now, I’ve heard that most people have actually read it, but I encourage that we make a proper fandom for this series!

3. Marionetta (Fantasy)

Two best friends decide to go out and visit the travelling circus. However after a while Julia’s best friend Kamille disappears. Julia is determined to find her again and hunts down the circus, where her best friend is now living. Julia is still going to bring her home and end up losing something very valuable. Her life. For this circus is for the dead. Now Julia has to uncover the true secrets behind the circus whilst still trying to bring her and Kamille home. Will she manage? Or will she have to kill Anthonn Gremminger to save her life?

When I tell you this webcomic is a roller coaster of emotions. There are plenty of ships to chase, characters to stan, and many theories to explore. I love this webcomic so bloody much and I was actually surprised that there wasn’t a lot posted about it.

This is such a cool and dark story, with lovely and cute art. I could talk about it for hours.

4. After School Activities For Unripe Apples (Drama)

A wholesome slow burn between Mi-ae and an old childhood friend, Cheol. When another year starts and Mi-ae needs to take school more seriously the son of the family friends shows up in her class, but now seen as Lucifer, a hostile boy who ends fights - but is that the boy Mi-ae remembers? Who she know knows and loves?

This is a cute, funny and entertaining webcomic. You would think that things would be so simple, however due to school, parents, and other issues the characters face of themselves and others, it is difficult to understand and accept your own feelings. This is exactly why I love this series so much, it’s relatable and adorable. We especially love Mi-ae.

There are a few fanfics out there, but honestly where is the love it deserves??

5. My universe (Romance)

Apart from the normal college life Hayeon lives, she has this special gift.. she can communicate with the universe. She ends up communicating with an alien, who she gives the name Ujun. They want to be able to actually meet each other, but alas that is nearly impossible. But imagine the surprise when Ujun ends up taking over the body of one of Hayeons classmates, and crush, Hyeonsu. Now they must figure out a way to send him back whilst still spending some time together. However the peacefulness and secrets can’t be kept as the aliens are taking over. What will Hayeon do now? And can she even trust Ujun anymore?

Now this story deserves its own universe fr. The art is super cute as is the story, however things get more complicated as the story progresses. When I was still reading this the first thing I would do in the morning is read the next episode as soon as I got the daily pass because it was so good! Obviously I’m not going to spoil the ending, however the waves of emotions this series brings you is inhuman.

All in all it’s a fantastic webcomic that deserves so much love and attention!

6. Stray Souls (Fantasy)

In a world of magic and string weaving, some are fortunate and some are not. Eylin isn’t particularly good at string weaving, however that doesn’t stop her and her friends from stopping the wicked and doomed Amethyst King. Follow along the difficulty journey with friendship, love, and a whole lot of mystery. But what is it all worth in the end?

Holy moly this story is AMAZING. The plot is genius and the art is fantastic, the characters are so original and all have such amazing personalities!! Although, it’s a bit hard to keep track of them all😭 still love them all.

All in all it’s so amazing and has so much potential to be incredibly popular, yet there is no fandom!? Give it attention!!

7. Spirit Fingers (Drama)

Adorable Amy Song is incredibly self conscious and insecure. She has no support and no confidences, however after stumbling upon an art club drawing each other and their wacky poses - she ends up becoming their model too. After meeting a cute guy and getting his number she enters the group herself! This group accepts her with love and so much care, and she finally starts to feel more confident in herself and her art! She might even get a boyfriend!

This is quite literally the cutest and most heartwarming webcomic I’ve read in a while. And there is no one talking about it!!’ It’s been around for sooooo long too!!! When I tell you I cry, and laugh, and smile so hard at every chapter!! If you love a heartwarming, coming of age, and found family comic - then this is perfect!! And the art is beautiful!! It’s a perfect read for artists!!

Miss Amy is literally so relatable for those who don’t feel very pretty or have any sorts of insecurities regarding looks or academics. It’s a beautiful, long, and mostly free (if you’re fine with ads) comic, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever found.

Now! So far this are all the webcomics that come to mind! I think all of these are great and I just know that so many more will enjoy these if they gave them a chance.

I’d love to talk about these with other people, and I’d even love it if others would like to share some webcomics they believe are underrated too.

All of these comics are from Webtoon, and are so worth your time! Please let me know if there was anything I missed.

(I might add more in the future 😉)

Edit: sadly the pictures are now a little awkward and too big for my liking… but I hit the limit of 10 pictures 😔🙏

💗- Anyways lots of love!

[whataperfectwasteoftime]

Common Grounds / Chapter 6

Pairing: Marcus Pike x f!Reader

Rating: T (for now... you know me, this will go up)

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Food mention, slow burn, yearning, flirting, overly charming Marcus, seriously the man is a menace in this chapter, so much unresolved sexual tension

Summary: ...Is it Friday yet?

A/N: Sorry for the delay! I'm so used to writing behemoth chapters that I panic and worry that anything less than 2k isn't worth posting and that I should make it longer, LOL, but I like where this ends. Next chapter they FINALLY go out to dinner <3

Masterlist | Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter

"Shit!" 

Steaming milk sloshes over the rim of the coffee cup, running down the sides and creating a pool on the counter. Sighing, you grab a replacement cup, pour the overflowing contents into the fresh one, and hand it to the customer.

"That's like the third time you've done that this morning," Sam remarks. "Are you okay?:

"I'm great," you answer quickly. 

"I'm glad," Sam answers, "but you should get out of outer space and back to the coffee shop before we run out of milk. And cups."

"I ran into Derrick yesterday," you say abruptly.

Sam drops the scone they're holding, sending crumbs scattering around your feet. "Excuse me? You're just going to blurt that out?" They whirl to you, grabbing your shoulders and staring into your face. "Are you okay? What did he say? Did you punch him? Can I punch him?"

"No… no punching," you say, trying to squirm out of Sam's hold. "It's fine, he just came to rub some million dollar deal in my face."

"Hey," the customer at the counter says weakly. "Um, can I–can I have my… scone?"

"This is important," Sam announces, barely turning around to acknowledge them. "Babe, you were supposed to call me if he ever showed up."

"It's fine, Sam. Besides…" you say casually, knowing you're about to drop an even larger bomb on them. "...Marcus was there."

You grab a scone from the shelf, put it into a white pastry bag, and hand it to the befuddled customer. 

"Marcus?" Sam shrieks, before schooling their face into the most ridiculous, overexaggerated customer service look you’ve ever seen. “Welcome to Common Grounds! What can I get started for you?” 

"Mmhmm," you hum an affirmative to Sam as you pour the woman’s requested iced coffee.

"Excuse me," Sam begins indignantly, but you interrupt.

"Guess that's what happens when you miss a day!"

"I'll keep that in mind next time and come vomit in the cookie dough."

"Sam," you scold, laughing. 

The next customer is eyeing both of you warily. "They're kidding," you tell him. "It's a bit we do. Can I interest you in a cookie? Chocolate chip."

The man grimaces and shakes his head. "Can I get one of those… lavender lattes?"

You smile and ring the man up. That reminds you–Marcus should be in any minute. You're giddy–even more so than usual. Marcus had asked you on a date, hugged you twice, kissed you on the forehead, and suggested that he'd like to do much more than just that. You're vibrating with excitement at the prospect of going on another date with the man on Friday. 

"Hellooooo," Sam says in a sing-song voice. "Why was Marcus there?"

"He was um," you stammer as you pull the espresso shot, "he came back to the cafe to uh, ask me on a date?"

As Sam's jaw drops, you suddenly remember something. 

"Hey! You owe me two months of opening up shop!" you exclaim, a wide grin on your face. 

"First of all, I fucking told you," Sam says, bumping you with their hip. "Second of all, when is your date?"

"He took me out for ice cream yesterday," you say, "after the whole Derrick debacle and a shit morning at work–Lavender latte!–and we went for a walk and talked for like, an hour."

"Oh. My fucking. God," Sam deadpans. "I'm dead. I've passed away. Who takes someone out for an ice cream and a walk in the year of our lord two thousand twenty-two? That's a date straight out of the fifties."

"I guess Marcus does. And he's taking me to dinner on Friday, too," you tell them, just before taking another order. 

"Did he kiss you?" Sam asks as you pour an americano with room for cream.

You avoid making eye contact. "On–on the forehead. Once."

"No way. I refuse to believe that," Sam says, shaking their head. 

"It's true! He's very…" you trail off, searching for the correct word. Just as you decide on 'chivalrous,' Sam chooses another one for you. 

"...chaste."

You shrug. "He's really sweet. Americano!"

"Oh, I cannot wait to see this," Sam says gleefully. 

You turn to them, confused. "See what?"

"He's here."

Your head whips comically to the front doors, where Marcus is just entering. You're sure that your startled, hopeful expression gives everything away, but for the first time, you don't care. Marcus is looking right back at you with poorly-disguised excitement. As he approaches the counter, his smile grows so wide that his eyes crinkle. 

"We're closed," Sam says.

"Perfect," Marcus replies, not missing a beat, "then you're free to come to breakfast with me."

"Ha! I wish," you say emphatically. "What's for breakfast?"

"Hmm," Marcus scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Chocolate chip pancakes? Or no–how about something savory. Eggs benedict?"

"If you're going to come in here and make me hungry, I'm going to ban you for life," you tease. 

"Fine, fine," Marcus sighs. "Well, if you're open, I'll have my usual–" he winks at you, "–and a pastry of your choice. Surprise me."

"I know just the thing," you say. "Carrot date muffins. There's a whole serving of vegetables in each one, but they're so sweet that you'd never even know."

"You know I have a sweet tooth," Marcus comments, except this time he says it, there's something far more flirtatious in his tone, blatantly so. He says it while looking not at the muffin, but at you, with a little glint in his eye. 

Oh, fuck. You aren't going to make it to Friday.

"Hi."

Both of you jump slightly, the tension not exactly dissipating, just… morphing into a different kind of awkwardness as Sam stands right next to you, looking between the two of you with obvious amusement. 

"Hi Sam!" Marcus exclaims. "Feeling better today?"

"Yeah, guess I missed a lot yesterday," they say pointedly.

"Should I have asked for your permission first?" Marcus asks, smiling. 

"Maybe you should," Sam says, crossing their arms. "I'm very protective of her, you know."

"Sam," you exclaim, embarrassed at both of their antics. 

"I promise I have only the best of intentions," Marcus announces, standing up straight and taking on an overly formal tone. "I have a reservation for two at Osteria Morini on Friday and I plan on treating the lady right.”

You can’t stop giggling at Marcus’s antics. You’re in that wonderful place where everything your crush does is absolutely hilarious, no matter how dorky, and you can’t help but find his playfulness exceedingly funny and charming. 

“Are you going to buy her a dessert?” Sam asks, raising one eyebrow. 

“If the lady wishes,” Marcus says, syrupy sweet, with a little wink in your direction. 

“Okay, I’m out,” Sam says, throwing up their hands.

“Giving up that easily?” Marcus accuses. “I could be anybody!” 

You thrust his cup of coffee into his hands. “Out, you menace.”

Marcus is ready. His fingers wrap around yours as he takes the drink, and your hand is engulfed by his larger one. “Text me tonight,” he says softly. “If you want.”

“I will,” you promise. 

Marcus pulls away, his fingers lingering on yours until the last possible second. Your eyes follow him out of Common Grounds until he disappears from view outside.

“That. Was. Disgusting,” Sam remarks, coming up behind you. 

“Uh huh,” you breathe, not really listening. 

Sam hands you an empty cup. “Hazelnut almond milk latte, one extra shot.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Dude.”

“Okay!” You grab a shot glass and press ‘dispense’ on the machine. 

You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

Wow.

– – – –

In the evening, just after eating dinner, you text Marcus.

Beep Boop. Will my texts go to some government database somewhere?

The reply comes almost immediately.

Only if you text my work number. Which you DON’T have. 

Classified?

Nah, just too risky. Don’t want to mix business and… you know ;)

Lord help you, Marcus is using winky faces.

Business and… what?

Don’t make me say it. 

Is the time still not right? 

No, the time is not right. 

Don’t tell me you’re a “only kiss after the 3rd date” kinda guy

I guess you’ll have to find out. ;)

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck—you scrub your hands down your face and groan loudly into the room. He’s going to kill you. 

Maybe so, but I’d still kind of like a preview, you type out, your heart in your throat.

I’ll tell you this. You are so damn pretty that waiting until the 3rd date just to kiss you is going to be completely out of the question. 

Oh really!?

Yes. Believe me, I’ve been sorely tempted more than once. 

Do tell.

Before it was remotely proper. 

Your eyes widen. How long has Marcus been interested in you? 

Okay, tell me this. When IS the right time?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

I’ll have to think about that. 

You wait. You wait until you’re blue in the face. In reality, it’s probably only a matter of minutes, but you’re nearly vibrating out of your skin before you see the next text from Marcus.

Ideally? It’s after dinner on Friday. I’ll walk you back to your place, of course. When we get there, I’d take your hand in mine and tell you I had a really nice time. You’d agree, looking up at me. Your eyes would be begging me to kiss you. I’d cup your cheek with my other hand, slowly lean in…

You wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. The story doesn’t continue. Eventually, you text back. 

MARCUS!

Yes? ;)

It’s going to be a long couple of days if you’re going to play it like THAT.

Is that a problem?

I’m going to want to skip dinner, at this point.

Another pregnant pause as Marcus apparently deliberates his response.

That’s good to know. Although dinner might be a good idea.

You take the bait.

Why’s that?

…keep your strength up?

Jesus fucking christ. 

Okay, I’ll stop. 

You press your face into the pillows and groan again. When you don’t respond, Marcus texts again. 

I’m sorry if I was out of line there.

You weren’t, I’m just… frustrated?

I know the feeling. I’ll leave you alone after this: I’m VERY much looking forward to Friday. 

Me too.

See you soon, beautiful.

You resist the urge to throw yourself onto your stomach on your bed and kick your feet into the air. You’ve never felt this way about anyone, let alone someone you haven’t even kissed. Marcus has this ability to stir up feelings you didn’t even know you had. A deep seated longing settles in your stomach, an overwhelming need rising in your core. 

You scroll up and read the longest message again. ‘Your eyes would be begging me to kiss you. I’d cup your cheek with my other hand, slowly lean in…’

Your eyes flutter shut as you imagine the scene he’d painted, shuddering as you picture Marcus’s hands on you. You remember the way his fingers had encircled your wrist the day before. They’d overlapped. He had huge hands. If one of them cupped your cheek, you imagine, his fingers could touch the nape of your neck as he pulled you in close. 

You conjure up the feeling of his breath ghosting across your lips. Would he linger there for a few seconds? With the two of you mere inches apart, would Marcus stop and savor that moment just before your lips connect? Or would he be impatient, immediately capturing your mouth with his, all of the tension that had built up over the past few weeks making it unbearable to wait another instant? 

Thoughts of kissing Marcus after your date on Friday lead you to another, bigger question:

If you invite him up, will he say yes?

[lavenderdreams22]

A Court of Dawn & Dusk - Azriel x Reader (part 1)

Summary: Y/N runs away from an unwanted proposal and finds solstice with an unexpected ally.

A/N: I'm really bad with summaries, but I've had this idea floating around in my head for about a month. I'm planning on making this a slow-burn, multi-part fic, so I hope you guys enjoy it! Comments and Feedback are always welcome!

Warnings: There is a bit of cursing, and very quickly edited.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

*****

The sound of birds chirping woke me up. Sunlight was streaming in through my sheer, golden curtains, casting shapes across the marble floor. I pulled my blanket over my head in a feeble attempt to block out the morning.

There was nothing to do today. Nothing, except for the training session that I had each morning with Ian.

“Shit.” I shot out of bed. The angle of the sun let me know that I was most certainly late.  

I stumbled around my room muttering profanities as I slipped into my training tunic and haphazardly brushed my teeth and hair.

A few of my friends took me to a pub in town last night, and I had stayed out way too late. I could hear Alana’s voice in my head, telling me to live a little. Telling me that the consequences were worth it. Even though she was probably right, I was still cursing myself.

With a grimace at my appearance in the mirror, I threw my door to my suite open, and broke into a sprint down the hallway.

*****

 The training ring was near deserted by the time I arrived. A few were still sparring in various areas, a blur of wings and red and gold. I stepped through the groups, waiting for Ian to spot me from his spot by the weapon racks.

His gaze eventually landed on me, and the grin he gave me took me aback for a moment.

Ian had always been handsome. He spent a good amount of time taking care of himself, and it showed. His shoulder length brown hair was soft and smooth, his cobalt eyes bright and always aware, his muscular build, and beautiful, feathered wings.

“Well, well. Look who finally decided to join us.” Ian bellowed over the sound of clashing metal. “Sleep well, princess?”

I offered him a nasty gesture in response, and he laughed so loud a few people stopped for a moment to watch him.

“Late night?” His cocky smirk had rage bubbling in my throat. My temper today, it seemed, was incredibly short.

“Shut it, Ian. I’m here, aren’t I?”

“Only two hours late. But I suppose late truly is better than never.” He slung an arm around my shoulders.

“Just deal me my punishment and shove off.” I rolled my eyes as he ruffled my hair.  

“No punishment today. Your father told me about your court duties later, and that seems bad enough from where I’m standing.” He turned my face so that I met his eyes.

“Court duties?” I asked, lifting my eyebrows.

He reached out and stroked a thumb over my chin, and I shoved his arm away from me. He gave me a wounded look. He had always been touchy, but sometimes it was too much.

“You didn’t know?”

“Obviously not.” I shook my head, “When did you see my father?”

He ignored my question. “You’re supposed to dress up. Maybe shower? You smell like a liquor cabinet.”

“How sweet. Did I ever tell you that you know just the thing to say to make me swoon?” I pushed away from him. “When?”

“Mid-day.”

“Shit.” I pinched the bridge of my nose as he snorted.

“Language, princess.” He tutted, “not very regal of you.”

“Stop calling me princess.” I moved around him, towards the weapon rack.  

“Fine. Let’s run some drills, your majesty.” He bowed, and I resisted the urge to hit him.

When he looked back up at me, his eyes were alight with humor and something else I couldn’t quite place.

“I hate you.” I sighed, defeated.

“No, you don’t.”

He grinned at me as I grabbed a sword from the rack and took up a defensive stance. He pulled his own sword from the sheath at his side and grinned wickedly. With a wink, he was launching himself at me.

*****

I smoothed my hand down the front of my gown. I had chosen something golden with red embroidery. I wasn’t entirely sure what the nature of this meeting would be, but my father rarely requested that I dress up.

The hallway was quiet, except for the click of my shoes on the marble floor, and I found myself admiring the way the morning glories snaked up and around the sunstone pillars. It seemed as though the palace was glowing. The sky beyond was a beautiful blue, the reds of morning still lingering in the sky. The clouds below were few and far between, and I knew that if I stepped up to the railing, I would be able to see the red roofs of the village below.

“This place is beautiful.” A male voice floated to me from down the hallway. “It reminds me of daybreak.”

“It’s almost as if that is the entire point.” Another replied.

As I rounded the corner, and they came into view, I sucked in a breath and stopped in my tracks.

They were both dressed in all black and utterly beautiful. But it wasn’t their beauty that had me pausing. It was the wings that one of them had tucked in close to their body. The membranous texture was so different from the feathers that I was used to.

“You’re Illyrian.” I stated, my mouth open in surprise.

“That I am. But I’d prefer Cassian if you were to call me anything.” He grinned at me, extending a hand.

“Y/N.” I replied, taking his hand to shake. He pulled my knuckles to his lips instead, causing a deep blush to spring to my cheeks.

When he released my hand, I turned to his companion. His violet eyes were shining as he offered me his own hand.

“Are you going to kiss me, too?” I asked as I took it.

“You should be so lucky.” The male said. “I’m Rhysand.”

So, this was the famous High Lord of the Night Court. I shrunk back a bit, thinking back to all the terrible things I had heard about him over the 186 years that I had been alive.

“Rhysand.” I nodded. “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

There was a charged silence for a moment, and I added, “Mostly from my father.”

“Who is your father?” He asked, sticking his hands into his pockets, the image of indifference.

“That would be me.” My father spoke from behind the males.

He had come out of nowhere, which was usual for him. He had a talent for sneaking about.

“Thesan.” Rhysand turned, pulling a hand from his pocket to shake my fathers. “I didn’t know that you had a daughter.”

“That I do. She is quite elusive.” My father shot me a small, loving smile. “Consider it a privilege that she pulled herself away from the sparring ring to come and meet with the two of you.”

“Sparring ring?” Cassian asked, shifting his gaze back to me.

“I train with the Peregryn’s every morning.” I answered with a shrug.

“Impressive.” Cassian nodded his approval.

“Please, come in. We have much to discuss.” Thesan opened the door to his office, beckoning everyone in.

It was then that I noticed Ian standing against the wall, examining his nails. He must have been their escort. His face was unreadable as he gave me a small wave, pushed off the wall, and sauntered down the hallway. I watched him for a moment before following our guests.

My father stopped me with a gentle hand on my shoulder. “You look lovely.”

“Thank you.” I beamed, “I was debating wearing my tunic, but Ian talked me out of it.”

“Remind me to push for his advancement.” Thesan winked before letting me continue into the office. “He is part of the family, after all.”

I eyed my father for a moment, the feeling that I was being told a joke that I wasn’t entirely apart of was something that I couldn’t shake. I offered him a tentative nod and made my way over to the oak table in the center of his office.

Once we were all seated, Thesan clapped his hands together. “Let’s get right to the point, shall we?”

*****

Rhysand, Cassian and I spent the rest of the afternoon together. I gave them a tour of the villiage below the palace, bought them scones from my favorite bakery, and explored the many gardens and courtyards.

Which is how I ended up in a white iron gazebo in the middle of millions of Lotus flowers, with two of the most powerful members of the Night Court.

"So," I started. "What would emissary entail?"

"Mostly communication between our two courts. That, and keeping the peace." Rhysand replied.

"There has rarely ever been unrest between us." I said.

"Then the job should be easy." Cassian grinned. "Plus, you'll get to spend more time with me."

I rolled my eyes playfully. Even though I had only known them for a short amount of time, it felt as though I had known them my entire life. The warnings and stories all seemed to fade into the background the more we laughed and talked.

"How often can I expect to be travelling?"

"That, my dear, is totally and completely up to you." Rhysand said.

I turned my gaze to the flowers, a small smile gracing my lips.

"That can be decided later.” I nodded.

"As long as you're comfortable. You are welcome in our home whenever."

"I've always wanted to travel." I muttered.

"I think you'll love the night court." Rhysand added. "There is one thing I would like to note."

I nodded as a signal for him to continue.

"There will be things that you see and places you go that you cannot talk to anyone else about." He clasped his hands together.

"Why the secrecy?"

"We like to leave some things to the imagination."

*****

"So.. Emissary?" Alana asked, laying on my floor, flipping through one of the many books I had laying around. "What does that entail?"

"I'll basically be traveling between courts, keeping the peace." I replied, pulling my knees to my chest.

My golden gown had been discarded on the floor and Alana was currently using it as a pillow. I had traded it for a plain pair of trousers and a loose fitting top.

"I'm jealous." She said, "I wish I had the opportunity to travel."

"You'll get that chance. Even if I have to drag you out of here myself." I rested my head on my knees.

"You're so sweet." She closed the book and let it fall to the ground beside her.

I chuckled to myself and we fell into a comfortable silence for few moments.

"I should get going. If I'm late to meet Ian, I will never hear the end of it." I finally said, standing and slipping my shoes on.

"Have fun with your boyfriend!" Alana giggled.

"NOT my boyfriend."

"Does he know that?" She raised an eyebrow and I groaned.

"Goodbye, Alana." I shook my head as she broke out into another fit of giggles, and we went our separate ways.

*****

Ian had laid out a blanket and a plate of fruit on our usual veranda.

"What's all this?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to do something special for you." He said, taking a seat.

I sat opposite him, looking out over the clouds and mountains. We watched the sunset together every day, and I still lost my breath at how utterly beautiful it was.

"So, how did that meeting go?" He popped a grape into his mouth.

"I'd say well, but I can't really talk about it." I replied, taking my own grape from the platter.

"Did the Illyrian flirt with you the entire time, or just in front of me?"

"Him flirting with me had nothing to do with you." I shrugged. "I took them into the village."

"I heard." He replied. "People were reporting that you were out with them all afternoon.”

“Why were they reporting it to you?” I asked, perplexed.

My comings and goings were never his business or responsibility before.

“Probably because you were with two males that no one recognized. Caspian, or whatever his name is, draws in a bit of attention.” He laid back, propping himself up on his elbows.

“His name is Cassian,” I muttered. I knew my face was turning crimson, but I continued. “It makes sense that he would draw attention. He’s very handsome. And he’s huge. Much taller than anyone I’ve ever seen. And those wings…”

“Stop, or you’ll make me jealous.” He rolled his eyes. I laughed, and turned my attention back to the scenery.

We fell quiet for a moment, both of us watching the sun sink down over the horizon. Ian’s breath beside me was the only sound. It was peaceful… Relaxing.

“Y/N?” He asked, his voice low. “I need to ask you something.”

“Okay, shoot.” I replied popping a grape into my mouth.

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about… us.” He said, “and I’ve spoken with your father already.”

He paused, watching my face. My eyebrows were knitting together as I swallowed. The grape turned to lead in my stomach.

“Spoke with my father about what?” I asked, turning to face him fully.

“I know this is sudden, but I think we’re a perfect fit. It would help strengthen the bond between my people and the Dawn Court, and… well, I’ve loved you for years.”

He sucked in a deep breath.

“I wanted to know if you’d do me the honor of becoming my wife.” He asked.

I stared at him for a few seconds, only blinking. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I shook my head once, twice, three times.

“Where in the hell is this coming from?” I asked.

“I just told you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently.”

“Ian… I-I can’t.” I said, scooting away from him. “We’re friends.”

“But we can be more.” He said, reaching out to take my hands. I moved further away from him. “Your father thinks it’s a great idea.”

“He said that?” My voice came out a bit strangled, and I cleared my throat in hopes of covering up my distaste. “Is that what you were doing this morning? When you spoke to him?”

“Yes. He said it when I got his blessing.”

“Don’t people usually date before getting engaged?” I asked, forcing a laugh. “Shouldn’t you have been courting me?”

“Is that not what I’ve been doing?” He asked. “We spend every day together. We eat nearly every meal together. We buy each other gifts. We watch the gods damned sunset together every evening.”

“We’re friends.” I mumbled, “What about the girl from your village?”

“We tried for a while, but it didn’t work out.” He moved closer, his wings ruffling. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head.”

“I… I need some air.” I said, shooting to my feet.

“Y/N, wait!” He called after me, but it was too late. I was running.

*****

Rhysand sat with his feet propped on the coffee table. The fire was crackling in the hearth, and he tried his best to use that to drown out the conversation that Cassian was having with Azriel. 

“Just wait til you meet her, Az.” Cassian said, sitting back in his own chair. His wings were stretched out around him.

“I’ve seen many beautiful females in my life.” Azriel muttered.

“And I guarantee that she gives all of them a run for their money.” Cassian laughed. “Even Rhys thought so.”

Azriel looked to him, then, his eyes inquisitive.

“She was very beautiful.” Rhys nodded in agreement.

The two of them turned back to their conversation, and a small, fond smile found its way to Rhysand’s lips. 

As he lifted his crystal glass to his lips, he noticed a scrap of paper in his lap. It was covered in a hurried, unfamiliar script. 

Rhysand,

Sorry for writing like this, but I wasn’t sure how else to reach you. I need your help. I can explain when you get here.

Apologetically,

Y/N

P.S. Please hurry.

Rhysand sat forward in his chair, drawing the attention of the two Illyrians across from him.

"It seems you'll be meeting her sooner than we anticipated." Rhysand said, tossing the scrap of paper to Cassian. "I'll be back soon."

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

Only the Strong Survive Ch. 6

Series Summary: Lexie Weston is in a terrible, abusive marriage. In her mind and soul, she feels like she has no way out that won't result in her death. But something changes in her life to make her take the risk. Can she rely on Sheriff Beau Arlen to protect her like he said he would, or will this risk lead to ruin?

Pairings: Beau Arlen x OFC (eventual)

Series Warnings/Explicit 18+: Smut, Angst, Fluff throughout. A pretty slow burn, TW: Abusive marriage, Domestic abuse will be talked about throughout. Chapter warnings will be more specific

Word Count: 3,348

Chapter Summary: Y/N is starting to realize some exciting and scary truths.

Chapter Warnings: Not many in this chapter. Brief mentions of abusive relationships, and hard times.

A/N: So, this next chapter took almost an entire year to get out to those of you who've been enjoying this series. I apologize profusely, and can only blame it on my cruel muses, who stalled this story in my brain. But I'm very grateful to those of you who said kind things about the story and said you were looking forward to the rest. It's encouraging to have people say they want to hear more. (In a friendly, kind way, of course.) So thank you, and I don't think the next chapter will take another whole year. (Like six months, tops. 😜 JK! JK!)

Hope you enjoy Ch. 6!

P.S. This song features in the chapter - To Make You Feel My Love and I've linked the version I was imagining here. (Minus the cheering crowd, and with a singer I love EVEN more than Garth Brooks.)

The beautiful divider at the bottom was created by @saradika

Series Master List || Main Master List || Tag Lists

Lexi stood in front of the full length mirror and shook her head at her reflection for the dozenth time that day. She felt ridiculous.

“Ooh, you look so cute!”

Cicely Travis was beaming as she came up behind Lexi to squeeze her shoulders. The young, tall, brash, and outspoken woman had become a good friend to Lexi in the months that she’d been staying at Haven House. She was a decade younger than Lexi, but seemed to have lived four lifetimes in her mere quarter century of life. 

The women had shared some of their hardships with each other, but certainly not all, so Lexi only knew that Cicely had run away from home at thirteen to get away from her mom’s boyfriend, and that she’d spent some of the years since as a sex worker. It was one of the things she’d told Lexi right away. 

“I was a hooker and a stripper.” Cicely had told her out of the blue on only their second meeting. When Lexi had just blinked at her for a moment, Cicely had explained. “I’m not any more, but I like to tell people that right off, so that there’s no misunderstandings or issues down the road. I did what I did, and I’m not ashamed, so, if that’s gonna stop you being a friend, then I wanna know that now. You know, save us both time.”

Lexi had just shaken her head and shrugged. “I don’t care.” She’d said honestly. “We all survive and exist the best we can. Sucks being a woman sometimes.”

Cicely had snorted. “Damn right, sister.”

Since then the women had bonded over some shared hardships and the general shittiness of most of the men they’d known. Cicely had also been there for her as Lexi had proceeded through four more court dates over the last two months.

She hadn’t been asked to speak again, thank god, but the judge insisted on all her written and recorded accounts being read into the record. So four times she’d had to sit in the courtroom and listen to Marsha read out her words describing the abuse, or else listen to her own timid voice coming through a tinny recording as she recounted years worth of trauma. 

And every time, after getting a ride home from Beau complete with his encouragement that everything was going to work out, she went to Cicely’s room to commiserate about the day and to admit just how scared she was. She never wanted to admit her fears to Beau because she didn’t want to burden him more than she already had. But also, she didn't want him to think she was just this scared, trembling thing. 

He’d called her a warrior, and she wanted him to keep believing that.

But Cicely would listen, and then trash Simon and the judge and Simon’s lawyer endlessly. It felt very therapeutic to Lexi, and Cicely often made her laugh with her slightly crude, but always hilarious sense of humor. 

She was the perfect kind of friend for Lexi; someone non-judgmental, who was so brash and loud, and talkative, that it became impossible for Lexi to stay quiet and shy. Cicely just pulled her along in the conversation no matter what.

Now the younger woman smoothed down the back of the blue polyester robe that Lexi wore, before stepping in front of her to beam at her. 

“This is so stupid.” Lexi said for the hundredth time that day. “I look like the world’s oldest high school graduate.” She rolled her eyes.

Cicely shook her head. “Nah, don’t be silly.” She pulled the graduation robe tight across Lexi’s baby bump. “You look more like a knocked up teenager.”

Lexi couldn’t help snorting out a laugh. She slapped Cicely’s hands away and let the gown fall back loose.

“Seriously,” Lexi continued, “I can’t believe they're putting on this whole thing. It feels like a bit much for passing a GED test.”

As she finished and before Cicely could respond she looked into the mirror and saw Beau and Jenny saunter into the tent.

“Oh my god!” Lexi cried as she spun around to face them. “What are you doing here?”

They both smiled and Jenny gave her a hug. “We’re here to celebrate you graduating, of course.” She answered as she stepped back beside Beau.

Lexi felt her cheeks go crimson. “Oh, for pete’s sake, I’m not graduating.” She shook her head. “I passed a test.”

“Lexi, this is a big deal. You should be proud of your accomplishments.” Beau argued while Jenny nodded.

Cicely gently bumped Lexi in the shoulder with her own. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell her all day. We deserve to be celebrated!” She turned her head towards Lexi. “You listen to this beautiful man when he tells you things. He’s obviously very wise.”

Beau gave a mock bow. “Thank you, thank you.” He turned to Jenny and tapped a finger against his temple. “See, what have I been telling you? Wisdom.”

Jenny rolled her eyes and continued as though he hadn’t spoken. “Seriously, Lexi, this is definitely worth celebrating. And to that end, the station is hosting a little graduation party for everyone this evening. Six o’clock, at Beau’s trailer. The land is beautiful, and there will be a huge bonfire to ward off the chill, and amazing BBQ and drinks.” She smiled at Lexi. “And sparkling cider for those of us who can’t partake.”

Beau looked at Lexi, understanding in his gaze as he obviously caught the trepidation in her expression. “There will also be more than a dozen cops there, so you’ll all be very safe.”

Lexi was amazed sometimes how easily Beau understood her. He seemed to read her mind at times, and he always knew just what to say to make her feel better, or feel safe. It made her happy and nervous at the same time. She could feel the way her heart was responding to him, could feel the way her body responded to him too. 

When he was close to her, she always wanted to lean in to him, always wanted his arms around her. She remembered the way it had felt to give him an innocent kiss on the cheek, and now when she looked at him, she was uncomfortably aware of his mouth and how she'd been mere inches away from feeling his lips under hers.

At one of her most recent doctor’s appointments, the doctor had informed her that many women notice an increased libido during the second trimester, and warned her to make sure if she had sex to use a condom as being pregnant didn’t stop her from getting an STI.

Lexi had blushed, but told the doctor there was no chance of that. But she was blaming the increased libido for why her heart raced, and butterflies flew wildly in her belly every time Beau was near. 

She didn’t know very much about sex outside of her marriage. She’d slept with three guys before Simon, and none of them had been exactly earth shattering. Of course, sex with Simon had started out as nothing special and turned into a nightmare. Thankfully in the last few years of their marriage, he hadn’t been much interested in her, and he had very little ability to get it up, so she’d at least been granted that small mercy.

So, this was the first time she’d ever felt this kind of strong attraction to someone. It was slightly overwhelming, so she was definitely blaming it on the hormones racing through her blood while also trying desperately to ignore it altogether.

Jenny gave them final details about the after party and then she and Beau hugged Lexi and Cicely quickly before going to take their place in the high school gym that was hosting their small graduation ceremony. 

After they were gone, Cicely whistled slowly. “Je-sus CHRIST, that man is fine!”

Lexi choked slightly on her laughter. “Cicely!”

The other woman gave her a look. “You telling me you don’t think so?”

Lexi shrugged. “That’s not the point. He’s our friend. He’s been very kind to me.”

Cicely frowned at her. “So? That makes him LESS attractive?”

Lexi rolled her eyes. “I just mean, I don’t wanna talk about him like that.”

Cicely snorted. “There’s nothing wrong with appreciating beauty where you see it. I’m telling you, if I thought I had a chance in hell of pulling him away, I would be all OVER that man.”

Lexi felt her heart plummet. “Pull him away? I thought…” She cleared her throat. “I thought he was divorced. I didn’t realize he was with someone.”

Cicely looked at her like she was nuts. “You can not possibly be that obtuse.”

Lexi frowned. “What are you talking about?”

Cicely rolled her eyes. “What am I…? Girl, that man is so far gone for you it’s almost pathetic.”

Lexi’s eyes grew huge. “What are you talking about? Are you crazy? He’s not interested in me like that. He’s just a kind person. He’s a friend.”

Cicely gave her a deadpan stare and Lexi waved at her dismissively. “You’re crazy.” She said again.

Her friend shook her head. “Lexi, seriously. Beau is kind and friendly to me. He’s kind and friendly to his co-workers, to Sarah, to the other women here. But it’s not the same. When he looks at you, his face gets all…gooey.”

Lexi snorted out a laugh. “Gooey? Beau Arlen is not gooey about me.”

Their conversation was interrupted when Sarah poked her head into the room. “Okay, ladies - showtime! Everyone out in the hall to line up.”

Lexi smoothed down her gown and moved towards the door, but Cicely held her back a moment. “Okay, just pay attention tonight, at the Barbeque. If you pay attention, I know you’ll see it. And I say when you see it, baby, jump on it.”

Lexi shook her head and followed Cicely out the door. Her friend was wrong, imagining things. She knew it. Beau didn’t think of her as anything but a friend and someone he was trying to keep safe. 

That was all…right?

***

The women and their children were shuttled over from the high school to Beau’s in a rented school bus, and when they all arrived - the party started.

Beau’s land was very beautiful, Lexi thought. It was situated in a valley with a stunning view of the mountains all around. When they arrived around six o’clock, the mid-March sun was already sinking in the west, being swallowed up by the peaks in the distance. It was a perfect night, though, slightly warmer than usual, with no wind, and a huge bonfire to throw off plenty of heat.

The kids all immediately started a game of tag in the field, and left their moms to chat and mingle with each other, the deputies, and the Haven House staff in attendance. The atmosphere was jovial and celebratory, and despite herself, Lexi began to feel excited and proud. 

Not long after her arrival, she met Beau at the grill. He was laughing and joking with everyone, proclaiming he was king of the grill. As she watched him tease Deputy Poppernak, she shook her head at Cicely. She was crazy, Beau was this way with everyone. 

But then he spotted her standing in the crowd and his face did…change. She didn’t know that she’d call it gooey. But his eyes definitely lit up, and he left his precious grill to come up and give her a hug.

“Lexi, you looked so great up on that stage! Congratulations!”

She hugged him back, closing her eyes and trying to get Cicely’s words out of her head while also trying to ignore the way Beau’s strong arms felt locked around her. She inhaled his cologne and the butterflies were back. He pulled out of the embrace and she smiled at the ground.

“Thanks, it was a really nice ceremony.”

“Congratulations.” Said a voice from behind her and Lexi turned to see a teenage girl walking up to stand beside Beau. “How hot are those polyester robes? I want to dress accordingly when I graduate next year.”

Beau chuckled. “Lexi, this is my daughter, Emily. Em, this is Lexi Weston.”

Lexi shook her head as she took Emily’s outstretched hand. “It’s Howard again, actually.” She looked at Beau. “Marsha is helping me with the paperwork to change back to my maiden name.”

He nodded and smiled softly. “That’s great.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Howard.” Emily said politely.

“No, please, it’s really just Lexi. And it’s so nice to meet you too. You know your dad talks about you all the time.”

“Oh my god, how boring for you.” Emily said with a pained smile and an elbow to her dad’s ribs.

Lexi laughed lightly. “No, I like his Emily stories, he’s helping me prepare.” She explained with a hand on her baby bump. In the last couple of weeks it had become an honest to goodness bump, obvious unless she was wearing something flowy. The t-shirt she and leggings she wore now did nothing to conceal it. 

“Oh, good.” Emily said with a grin. “I love when he tells baby stories about me. It’s not embarrassing at all.”

Lexi laughed, and Emily reached up to kiss her dad’s cheek. “I’m gonna go organize the kids into lines to make s’mores.” She looked back at Lexi. “Congrats again.”

She bounded away and started the kid round-up. Lexi smiled and moved to stand beside Beau and watch. “She’s really great. So smart and capable.” She said as she watched the young girl effortlessly get the kids in line, and enlist the deputies to haul the s'mores making ingredients over to the bonfire.

Beau’s smile was all pride. “Yeah, she’s pretty incredible.”

Their attention was wrenched back to the barbeque as Poppernak called to Beau. “Hey boss, as king of the grill, you might wanna come figure out where all this black smoke is coming from!”

***

A couple of hours later most of the people had gravitated to sit around the big bonfire where it was warmest. There were dozens of chairs set around it, and lots of blankets to share.

Cicely and Lexi were almost in each other’s laps, curled up on a big adirondack chair under a thick wool blanket. They were very toasty, and Lexi was loving the peace and contentment she felt as she just listened to the soft rise and fall of conversations around her, the laughter that would break out occasionally, the sleepy voices of little ones in their moms’ arms, and the sharp crackling of the sweet smelling wood as it burned.

A couple of seats away Beau was leaning towards Cassie and talking animatedly with his hands. She couldn’t make out his exact words, but she liked to watch his expressions; he was so animated she could almost guess at the conversation.

He said something to make Cassie laugh and then he looked up and caught Lexi’s eye. His smile turned soft and he winked at her. “Comfy over there?” He asked a bit louder.

Lexi nodded happily. “Very.”

“Good.” His smile lingered a moment before his attention was snagged by Emily.

Cicely pinched Lexi lightly and cleared her throat. “Goo-ey.” She whispered conspiratorially.

Lexi slapped her friend’s thigh under the blanket. “Stop it.”

Cicely hummed noncommittally. “Whatever.”

When Lexi looked back at Beau he was shaking his head at Emily who was trying to pass him a guitar. Other people around the fire seemed to notice at the same time and they quieted down to listen. 

“No, god.” Beau was saying with an embarrassed laugh. “I’m not gonna subject these lovely people to my singing.”

His deputies all started egging him on too, but he was shaking his head, adamantly refusing to take the guitar from his daughter. Finally she pleaded with him.

“Please, you used to sing all the time.”

“Yeah, to make you go to sleep. Pretty sure you’d just pretend to make me stop.”

Emily pouted at him. “No, I loved listening to you. Come on.” She paused. “You haven’t picked up a guitar since…since before you left Dallas.”

A look shifted over Beau’s face that Lexi couldn’t interpret. He seemed sad, but also wary. He sighed. “Em -” 

“Please!” She interrupted him. 

With an even deeper sigh he finally took the guitar from her. His audience clapped and he shook his head, clearly embarrassed. ��Oh god. What am I supposed to sing?” He asked his daughter, slightly desperate sounding. 

“Sing that one you used to sing.”

Beau lifted his hand in exasperation. “What one I used to sing.”

“The ‘love’ one…the…make you feel the love.”

“Make you feel my love?” Cassie clarified and Emily nodded. “Ooh, I love that song!”

Beau was obviously still very reluctant, but he settled the guitar on his lap and strummed a few chords before adjusting the tuning pegs to his liking. Finally he cleared his throat and shook his head as he looked out at the now silent audience staring at him.

“Oh boy.” He said quietly and everyone chuckled. “Sorry.” He said with a shake of his head.

Then he began plucking at the strings and a warm melody surrounded them all. When Beau began singing there was a collective intake of breath, clear surprise on everyone’s faces. His voice was warm and full, melodic and emotive. In short, it was beautiful.

When the rain is blowing in your face And the whole world is on your case I would offer you a warm embrace To make you feel my love

He watched Emily as he sang the words and Lexi knew he meant every word he sang to her. He looked around the circle with a slightly sheepish smile as he strummed out the melody between verses, but his eye caught Lexi’s again as he began the second verse, and it was as though something kept their gazes locked as he sang. Lexi couldn’t have looked away if her life depended on it.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear And there is no one to dry your tears I would hold you for a million years To make you feel my love

He strummed his way into the first bridge and then looked down at the ground before looking back at the rest of his audience as he began singing the bridge. Even though he wasn’t staring at her anymore, Lexi could feel every word he sang as though it was only the two of them there and he was singing it right to her.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet But I would never do you wrong I've known it from the moment that we met There’s no doubt in my mind where you belong

Cause I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue And I'd go crawling down the avenue There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea And down the highway of regret The winds of change are blowing wild and free Oh, but you ain't seen nothing like me yet

The last verse he sang slowly, plucking the strings gently, and there was no doubt that he’d cast a kind of enchantment over the whole group.

Cause there ain’t nothing that I wouldn't do Go to the ends of the Earth for you Make you happy, make your dreams come true To make you feel my love

The last note echoed into the evening air and there was a moment of peaceful quiet before everyone started clapping and talking at once. Several deputies got up to slap Beau on the back, and everyone was shouting disbelief and praise. 

For his part, Beau turned very red, and thrust the guitar back into Emily’s hands before wrapping one arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side, and kissing the top of her head.

Beside her Cicely sighed deeply and repeated herself to Lexi. “Gooey.” She said, but her tone was definitely saying, “I told you so.”

@lyarr24 @deans-spinster-witch @impalaslytherin @maggiegirl17 @akshi8278 @candy-coated-misery0731 @deanswaywardgirl @slytherinlyn314 @globetrotter28 @jensensgirl @perpetualabsurdity @tristanrosspada-ackles @djs8891 @muhahaha303 @kayyay1219 @emily-winchester @recoveringpastaaddict @maximumkillshot @mimaria420 @sacriceria @envyaurora95 @lacilou @jc-winchester @spnwoman @mimi-luvzyu @jackles010378

3 - Any/All Fics (regardless of fandom/character.) @kazsrm67 @sexyvixen7 @alexxavicry @nancymcl @spalady26 @slut-for-evans-stan

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[cubitodragon-moved]

Tumblr is doing the thing where I can't reblog someone's post with a proper reply (stupid errors). SO, this post is in response to @demodraws0606 over here regarding BadBoyHalo and his masqarading conga line of death flags and dying references.

In short:

I think he’s closing in on a time loop reset.

With the events of the last month, we’ve witnessed how detached he has become from the reality the Federation has them all trapped in. For the last week especially he’s been spiralling worse by the day. There’s clearly some sort of self preservation that will be forcefully triggered to prevent him dying as we know it, speeding up “an end” that he doesn’t really want but likely expects to be inevitable, because when it happens..that’s it.

It is a reset. It will wipe everything. All memories, all attachments. All the care he has for the found family he’s made on the island.

His love for his children.

That’s why there’s the “not yet” comments. He’s desperate for the kids to return before then - it might halt it for a time, or slow it enough for him to warn them, to make plans accordingly. But it can’t be prevented. It will happen. (Perhaps the “reset” itself will be his downtime to go to Twitchcon Vegas? The timing feels right.)

He won’t know them, once it happens. He won’t be the BadBoyHalo who has spent 6 months here, building homes, donating generously to the community. He won’t remember the Horrors, won’t remember the joy and tears and sorrows. He won’t remember being a father to his egg children. That man, that being, will be dead.

He won’t care any more. He won't remember they were worth caring for.

And if he doesn’t care about something, Badboyhalo has no problems discarding it.

And perhaps that's also the point - he cannot live without his children. They are too much a part of him, to an unhealthy degree. The love he has fostered for them has now left too big a hole in his heart and soul for a being like him to understand. His behaviour regarding Skeppy was a warning that no one heeded, seeing it as something so silly instead of the crack in the wall of the dam.

He's not human enough to come to terms with and ultimately survive the grief that love has left him with due to their absence.

So. With no hope in sight, he is running from those feelings, and with it, burning bridges so that people don't get attached or care about him the next time around. He has actively admitted to hurting the ones he loves with his recent behaviours. He's speedrunning this in the absence of Forever and Baghera, the two closest to him and the most worried, who have tried to make him promise to take care of himself and be there when they return. But he won't. He's separating himself from the community he was a part of and keeping all at arms length.

All the better to form no meaningful bonds and protect himself from the hurt it brings the next go around.

He will reset. The person he was will die.

In which case, the question then becomes:

In the wake of such choices, and revival after a true death of the self, who will be the BadBoyHalo we meet next?

[mejomonster]

Silent Reading. Chapter 60. Sp much I love about all this. 1. Lang Qiaos pov and thinking fei du will eat Luo wenzhou alive (sexily), 2. Luo wenzhous "type" But Not fei du because he's manipulative and one constantly has to have their nerves alert - which honestly I wonder if that's how Luo wenzhou felt raising him? Like he had to be constantly vigilant to temper fei dus darker impulses and crime leaning thoughts and keep him in line, retort his arguments, keep an eye on him. It's not a totally wrong interpretation, he's right fei du is like that. But also luo wenzhou... of all the people in the world? You've already decided to put in that effort for YEARS to know him in the first place. It'll he fascinating to see that opinion possibly shift. Or mesh with a deeper relationship than just the sort of caretaker/kid one they had into something on more equal footing. 3. awww Luo wenzhou kept a constant eye on him growing up again trying to be so involved, until fei du became a partying playboy lmao. (I wonder if Luo wenzhou - and Tao ran - since they influenced fei du in many ways, figured he'd be a good young man... then he started clubbing and partying and flirting around and they were like ???? Why??? Is our boy like this??? I do wonder if partly it's why Luo wenzhous as bitter about it mentally as he is. He thought he raised fei du better than this lmao). 4. Fei du is working for bureau and hasn't told him yet lol fei du LOVES playing with his food 5. The clothing changeeee. 6. Fei dus secret look at him that lang qiao caught last chapter.... fei du are you seriously... by chance pursuing Luo wenzhou now or soon? I know you're thinking he had a point career wise, clean up wise, hence you are at least on some level doing those things and on some level hoping he'll admit he's impressed/happy to see it. 7. The bit about being too close to fei du is like having too many eyes all on you was described so vividly. 8. Fei du is SO smooth trying to transition to getting that man in his car lol. 9. As a lover of slow burns I love Luo wenzhou feeling it'd been ages since he saw him, missing him more than he used To. How subtly they're both crushing more and both hardly acknowledging it.

Quote:

She rolled her eyes and straightened out her heel with difficulty, firmly biting back the warning she’d been about to give him. She thought, Well, it’s his funeral.

Formerly, Fei Du had worked during the day and fooled around at night. He’d come to harass Tao Ran from time to time, but mostly only to present some new toy as a gift. He hadn’t reported to the public security bureau every day for no reason. Luo Wenzhou had frequently worried about him before, although that had been while he’d still been little; since Fei Du had grown into a 360 degree scoundrel without a blindspot, there’d been nothing worth worrying about.

The city was always active, and everyone was running around toiling; there was also the rush of traffic and the sea of people to separate them. It wasn’t unusual for ordinary friends not to see each other for a few months.

But not much more than a month after the last time President Fei had come running to the City Bureau to “send some comfort,” Luo Wenzhou suddenly had a strange feeling, as if he hadn’t seen him in a very long time.

Fei Du’s car was as flashy as before, but he himself seemed much more in line with conventional norms.

He wasn’t wearing glasses. There was an earpiece hanging loosely from one of his ears. His cotton shirt had for once been buttoned up to just below the top collar button, and, in an extremely rare occurrence, he was wearing jeans. His hair had been casually pushed back, displaying his clear, handsome brow. It was as if something had washed his whole soul clean. All traces of that air of the scum of the literati were gone. At a glance, he looked like a slightly rebellious but not over-the-line arts student.

Hands in his pockets, Luo Wenzhou strolled over in front of Fei Du, internally cursing in spite of himself—

There were innumerable types of male beauty in the world, and Luo Wenzhou was interested in a fairly broad range of them. He could appreciate the Western aesthetic, full to bursting with masculine hormones and brimming with force; he could also appreciate the traditional aesthetic, clear as the moon, gentle as jade…as long as they didn’t display Fei Du’s revolting behavior, he wouldn’t turn any of them down.

President Fei was of the type he found most unendurable, simply a cobra in human shape. He was immaculately groomed; it was impossible to tell whether he was telling the truth or shamming; he had so many eyes trained on the world that getting close to him could make you feel a touch of trypophobia. There was a sharp and intense feeling of invasiveness about him; if you didn’t want to be manipulated by him, you would have to keep your nerves subconsciously strained. Never mind appreciation, Luo Wenzhou’s head hurt at the thought of him.

But the style he was attracted to at first sight was a clean and straightforward, somewhat distinctive one; add in some good looks, and it basically hit him dead-center in his most vulnerable point—for example, the way Fei Du looked right now.

Fei Du was young, after all. When he retracted his venomous fangs, he could conjure up a look of brimming youthfulness, mixing the true with the false.

Luo Wenzhou waved a hand, dismissing the little traffic cop from the department next door. He patted the roof of Fei Du’s car and pointed to the commercial building across the street. “Turn right and there’s a shopping center, didn’t you see? That’s where the nearest parking lot is. Outside of special circumstances, the public’s cars can’t randomly park at a public security bureau’s gates. You need a parking permit.”

Fei Du gave him a wholly unclouded smile. “How do I get a parking permit?”

“We don’t sell long-term parking permits wholesale or retail. First, you have to be City Bureau personnel. If you can’t manage that, you have to be the family member of City Bureau personnel.” Luo Wenzhou, not turning a hair, lowered his eyes, giving his stimulated eyeballs a break. “You want a parking permit just for opening your mouth. Do you have the status, President Fei? A few days after getting your cast taken off, you’re driving around raising hell all over the place—what are you doing here now?”

Without answering, Fei Du asked, “You didn’t drive today?”

“I lent my car to a colleague to use to go on a date,” said Luo Wenzhou.

Fei Du narrowed his eyes and opened the car door. “Perfect. Do you want to get in?”

Luo Wenzhou: “…”

This movement of Fei Du’s stirred up a light wind. Luo Wenzhou found to his surprise that he hadn’t sprayed on any cologne today; the smell that came from him was a mixture of the detergent from his shirt and some shaving lotion. It was clear and clean, like an autumn breeze washed by cool rain.

This joker had to be doing it on purpose.

Luo Wenzhou’s mind was alert, but his limbs rebelled against his brain, taking the initiative to get into the car.

[steamishot]

redlands

this is the most invested we were for any job opportunity that matt has received since last year. we were thinking, talking and stressing about it for two whole weeks. i was venting a lot to my poor friend K. however, after assessing the contract, we noticed some discrepancies with what was said verbally over the phone. they mentioned the contract was for 2 years, with a 30 day notice for termination; yet, the contract stated 3 years with a 180 day notice. they refused to state exactly how often matt will be working at each of the two hospitals he would be assigned to. when asked about the relocation package, it was like pulling teeth to get an answer. i understand that their company was just bought out by UHG so there may have been some honest misunderstandings - however, the discrepancies didn't sit well with us.

i also work with physician contracts and we spell everything out pretty clearly (including hospital assignments and specific job duties) and are responsive if they have any concerns or questions. in regards to his job search, i learned that i get invested too quickly, create all these scenarios and expectations in my head, and set myself up for disappointment. this was a whole roller coaster ride. in the future, i told matt that he should only apply to larger hospitals, preferably teaching hospitals or kaiser. i am okay with living a bit further away from LA if that means his working conditions would be better. the whole point of taking the NYU job was for it to open doors at other academic settings.

we talked about continuing to do this semi-long distance situation, where i am in LA 3 or so weeks at a time, until he finds something. obviously, it's not my ideal situation. i look forward to the days where we don't hop on a plane as often and can have an easier life. i feel the pressure to move forward with our lives - to get married, settle down, have kids, etc. due to our ages. however, it is all perspective and how i choose to approach a situation. it also helps to hear from older friends that i don't have to be in such a rush. in the grand scheme of things, we're still young and at least are financially stable and moving in the right path. though it is also difficult personally to also not feel like life is "passing us by" because of ties to this medical journey.

living in LA has been detoxing. the quietness, slower paced life, and living with my semi-retired parents and grandma and babysitting my baby niece (who in general have little worries) is like a retreat. i almost have reverse culture shock and feel anxious due to how slow people move here. i need decompression time like this in order to face the hustle and bustle of nyc.

to recap one on year since attendinghood life:

started tracking our finances via ramit's CSP; lots of progress made and we have a positive net worth. matt's catching up in his retirement accounts and HYSA

took countless vacations and small trips to find out that we now prefer the relaxation/nature vacations. we're already overly stimulated in our daily lives and it's not as enjoyable to vacation in another big city. crashed and burned at the 6 month mark as a wake up call

completed my BS in accounting degree (oops, i haven't used it - should look into getting a CPA) and got a promotion whoo

we learned a lot about how to live more mindfully and healthily (still a work in progress). time off > more money - though this is something that matt still struggles with. i really do believe that environment matters so much.

we both benefitted a lot from therapy (still work in progress). though i realize that therapy is almost a replacement for having friends/family and like a band-aid for living in such a stimulating city. it makes sense that therapy is more needed when we are in NYC versus in LA.

MORE friends and social time

lots of hot yoga

lots of stress about job searching in LA

LA stuff

finally getting a transvaginal ultrasound at 4pm today (which i am quite nervous about). i hate getting things inserted into my vajayjay lol, but hopefully this will provide some peace of mind about my feelings of tension

got a haircut in chinatown, and will get my eyebrows done before I&I's wedding

BBQ at someone's house this saturday with my family

lunch with G & M and getting ready at M's place before I&I's wedding

working out at home, and taking walks/mini hikes at elysian park by myself

[impostoradult]

I finally figured out why it feels like Supernatural murdered a unicorn (AKA why you need to STOP telling me to watch Black Sails)

I’ll start by saying, everything everyone else has been saying CERTAINLY bothers me: 

- the queer-baiting - the bury your queers - the undermining of Dean’s character arc  - the wasted opportunity for a certain kind of overall narrative closure - the flat out disrespect to Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles

 All of that bothers me tremendously. 

But there has been something else rather ineffable about this that has left a horrible taste in my mouth that I couldn’t quite pin down until last night. Bear with me, if you will, because this will require some set-up. 

*** This is not the first show to ever disappoint me in a spectacular fashion, nor will it be the last, I suspect. And one of the ways I’ve always coped with that disappointment was to remind myself that there will be other stories, other characters, other chances to get it right. (”It” being any number of things from just pure narrative emotional coherence to not burying your queers to not stringing along your queer audience and then yelling fuck you to them on the way out) 

But somehow that assurance -- that there will be other stories, other characters, other chances to get it right -- has rung particularly hollow in this instance, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why until yesterday. 

I kept asking myself, why do I still have this feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach, like something was lost here that can never be recovered? 

Because something was lost here that I am doubtful can ever be recovered, and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else talking about this aspect of it at all. 

***

A few months ago, TV critic Maureen Ryan did a great interview piece with Mike Schur (of Parks & Rec/The Good Place) discussing the death of long-form TV in the streaming era. They explore how the longer seasons and longer runs of traditional broadcast/cable TV provided an opportunity to tell particular kinds of stories that you simply can’t when seasons are 8-10 episodes and series typically run 2-4 seasons (thanks Netflix).

One key thing we’ve all lost in this new era of highly condensed TV storytelling (and of prestige TV narrative styles)? The traditional (several season’s long) slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance. Not only is there simply no longer the time or space to write such romances, it has also come to be seen as hacky, manipulative, cheap, artistically impoverished, low-brow, a embarrassing vestige of the era before TV became art™. 

Everybody is trying to be Fleabag now. No one wants to be Frasier. (”It’s really more like a 10 hour movie” they all like to brag)

Obviously TV still has romances, even ‘drawn out’ romances. But ‘drawn out’ in 2020 is like 2-3 seasons, maybe. More commonly it’s like half a season. Take Schitt’s Creek. The number of episodes between when David and Patrick first meet and when they first kiss? Seven. Seven episodes. Half a season. If you watched it live, it took less than 2 months for them to move from introducing that dynamic to consummating it. And I’m not bagging on Schitt’s Creek; I think the David/Patrick’s story is very lovely and well-written. 

But Niles & Daphne (Fraiser) had to wait 7 years and over 150 episodes before they finally got there. Josh & Donna (The West Wing) had to wait 6+ years, and 145 episodes. Mulder & Scully (The X-Files) had to wait 7 seasons and 143 episodes. Booth & Bones had to wait...you see where I am going with this. 

And my point is (and I can’t believe I never realized this explicitly until now): there has NEVER been a queer slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance of that type on TV ever. EVER. 

I’m going to say that again, because I think it bares repeating:

There has never been a queer, slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance that fits the 100-150 episode paradigm of delayed gratification on TV. 

Not ever.  

I can’t think of ONE example  Not a single, solitary one. And I know queer TV pretty well. Arguably the closest we’ve ever come is Legend of Korra, and that ran 50 episodes, a THIRD of the length of old school will-they-won’t-theys like Booth & Bones or Josh & Donna. 

Queer people have had a fair number of canonical romances on TV by now, even fairly long running ones. But we never got a primary/front-and-center romance that you had to root for for 100+ episodes before you got any kind of canonical consummation.

That is a particular kind of TV experience that queer people and queer characters were just 100% shut out of until it was too late. And because of how the TV landscape has changed in the last 10 years, I don’t know that that opportunity will ever come back around in our lifetimes. 

***

Dean and Castiel are/were a legacy of an earlier era of TV, an era that still contained the possibility for a will-they-won’t-they of that particular mold. There were other shows that could have also filled this gap at one time - Rizzoli & Isles, OUAT, House MD, etc. But one by one all of them were killed off, their queer romances unrequited, until Supernatural was the only one of its’ generation left standing. 

And they should have acknowledged that they were a species about to become extinct. 

There are plenty of other valid and compelling reasons Supernatural should have gone full Destiel, don’t get me wrong.

A) It would have been the most emotionally satisfying ending to the series and to those characters (and that would have been reason enough). 

B) It would have stopped the manipulative queer-baiting of the (disproportionately queer) fanbase (and that would have been reason enough). 

C) It would have been queer representation of middle-aged men, of bi men, of queers who came to their queerness later in life (and any/all of those would have been reason enough). 

D) It could have been a glorious subversion of the bury your queers trope, considering how often they’ve died and been resurrected (and that would have been reason enough). 

But point E) on this list is the reason this one hurts in a singular way that no one even appears to be acknowledging. 

Almost all of the other wrongs and missed opportunities contained in this Supernatural debacle have the possibility of being rectified (at least to a degree) elsewhere. I can and I likely will get more bi male characters from TV as time goes on. I can and likely will get more middle-aged queer characters. I can and likely will get more queer characters coming to their queerness later in life, and starting queer romances later in life. I can and likely will get more queer characters who aren’t killed cheaply and prematurely. I can and likely will get more genre TV shows with sprawling myth arc plots that are resolved in a coherent, satisfying way. I can and likely will get Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles involved in other projects that value their work and their talents. 

All of those other things are at the very least POSSIBLE, and many are even likely. 

But a queer 100-150 episode slow-burn romance a la Mulder & Scully or Niles & Daphne or Booth & Bones? That is the one baton Supernatural dropped spectacularly that no one else even has the possibility of picking up again for the foreseeable future. (They don’t even write those types of romances for heterosexuals anymore!) 

Seriously. It was a TV unicorn. And rather than letting it run wild and free, they stabbed it with a rusty nail. 

***

Given the monumental shifts in the TV landscape that have occurred in the last decade, I don’t know that TV will ever go back to the slow-burn/will-they-won’t-they romance spanning 100-150 episodes. Today it is a miracle if you can get ANY show to last longer than 50 episodes in the first place. 

And that is the piece of this that makes it feel (to me) like they murdered a unicorn.  

Because queer people have gotten a lot of things from TV, and they will get a lot more as time goes on. But that one? That one could very well be a totally extinct species.

That is the larger missed opportunity here that has left this feeling especially hollow and destructive. That is the thing that makes me balk when people tell me to go watch Black Sails or Pose or whatever other prestige TV show is doing this representation ‘better.’ Because that’s not really the loss I am mourning here. I KNOW there is ‘better’ representation elsewhere.  

But the will-they-won’t-they/slow-burn romance is a qualitatively unique thing that queer people literally just never got. Ever. There is no substitute, no alternate, no other show I can turn to with that kind of build-up and pay-off for a queer couple, and there probably won’t be in my lifetime. Not unless the TV industry undergoes another monumental evolution similar to the streaming revolution that shifts the incentives back to telling those types of stories again. 

All those shows you want me to displace Supernatural with? None of them can give me the one thing I uniquely wanted (and could have gotten) from Supernatural. THAT ALTERNATE SHOW DOESN’T EXIST. It doesn’t exist. And I have no reason to hope it will ever exist in my lifetime. 

So stop telling me to look somewhere else; you don’t understand what made this one a unicorn. 

***

Addendum: The only other possible show that could perhaps fill this gap is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (re: Mac/Dennis). But I’m hesitant to say it exactly meets that criteria, for a number of reasons:

1 - It’s far less serialized relative to Supernatural and (except for a handful of stand-alone episodes) very little of the story is grounded specifically in Dennis/Mac’s romantic dynamic (unlike SPN, where it is absolutely central to much of the narrative)

2 - IASIP is fundamentally satirically in nature/tone which makes it much harder to have genuine romantic pathos (not impossible, but harder) 

3 - All the characters on IASIP are fundamentally crummy people who you aren’t exactly supposed to root for. Which doesn’t mean a romance between two of them can’t have its value/charm/worth but it’s not the same as when it is between characters who unequivocally deserve nice things/happy endings

[thatbritishactor]

In Between Breaths (Part 9)

Pairing: Benjamin Greene x Reader

Summary : Literature College Professor Benjamin Greene moves to the US after his divorce with Julia.  Heartbroken, he’s given up on the idea of love. Everything changes when he meets you.

Warnings: Cursing. This fic might contain smut in the future.

Type: The Slowest of Burns, Dark/light Academia, Professor/TA.

Words: 2,900

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6    Part 7     Part 8

In Between Breaths Playlist

My Masterlist 

Your heart slamming against your ribs, you try to tame the wild thoughts surging through your mind. Benjamin has kissed you. You subtly shake your head, disbelief washing over you: it has finally happened. After months of quiet longing, hoping, and waiting, Benjamin has finally kissed you.

It replays endlessly in your mind, stuck in a loop: the feeling of his hands cupping your face, the touch gentle yet firm. The way his lips have brushed against yours, the sensation tender, languid and promising. You remember his breath on your face, the scent of his skin, the feeling of his short hair brushing against your fingertips.

You feel heat spread in your chest and all the way to your core, and you bite your lower lip, trying to focus on the movie, but fail miserably. Today’s been the best day you’ve had since… Narrowing your eyes, you try to remember the last time you’ve felt like this, but quickly find that no memory compares to the pure feeling of joy that coursed through your veins today.

You remember walking around the store, feeling light and utterly content, bouncing on your feet, Benjamin’s eyes on you. Every once in a while, you caught him looking at you, a beautiful smile on his face, and it made your heart beat faster, and sucked the air out of your lungs.  

Benjamin makes you feel safe, at ease, content. The day has gone fast: every single moment more precious and delicious than the last. You’ve felt comfortable, appeased, and even when you’ve finally sat down to study, Benjamin’s presence had reassured you. Sure, his proximity could be distracting, but knowing that he was there, a few feet away, somehow brought peace in your heart; quieting your racing mind, and easing your anxieties.

You can’t pick a favorite moment about today: every minute spent in Benjamin’s company makes sense, as if you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. You glance at him, admiring his beautiful profile: the darkness of his eyes, the tv screen reflecting in the deep, obsidian pools, the fair shape of his nose, the edges of his jaw, and the tentative outline of his lips.

You sigh, unbelieving that you’re lucky enough to be sitting on his couch, his arm wrapped around your shoulders, your hand resting on his chest. You can feel the warmth emanating from his body, the steady beating of his heart beneath your palm, hear his quiet breathing, and smell his comforting and now familiar cologne. You wish you could snuggle even closer to him: burying your nose into his neck. If Benjamin allowed, you would gladly spread hundreds of kisses across his jaw, his face, his eyelids, his lips. Instead, you try to relax and focus because he needs time.

“We should take things slow.” His voice still rings in your ears, and you close your eyes, releasing a discreet sigh. He’s worth being patient, and you’ve told him so. You remember the relief in his eyes, and it had made your heart clench in your chest. Benjamin had suffered, terribly so, and you could feel that he wanted to be cautious.

It’s something you understand, you’ve been hurt before, although you’ve never felt this way about anyone. You thought you had been in love before, now you know that you had been fooling yourself. The way you feel about him is so much deeper, more beautiful, and priceless than anything you’ve felt before. You’ve realized that you’d never do anything that could make him pull away, because you need him now, as much as you need air, food or water.

Sure, there are complications. He needs time, probably space, and your father might not be happy about you the two of you going out. But it doesn’t matter. You’d fight anything that comes between you.

Benjamin suddenly pulls you out of your thoughts, his soft voice addressing you.

“Are you tired?”

You blink a few times, looking up, finding him already peering at you. You notice that end credits of the movie are rolling in the background.

“Y- yeah” you reply, oddly out of breath, and your stomach clenches in anticipation.

Will he sleep on the couch again tonight? The thought has been torturing you ever since he’s agreed to you sleeping here. You’d give anything to share a bed with him, but it might not be in his plans currently. He pulled away after one simple kiss and asked you to be patient. He might not be ready to sleep next to you, God forbid sleep with you. The thought drives heat into your cheeks, and you lower your gaze, ashamed of the images flocking into your mind.

“Let’s go to bed” he says in low voice, almost in a whisper.

“Okay” you reply in the say tone, your voice coming out breathlessly.

You slide your hand off his chest, and he smiles, standing on his feet and presenting his hand to you. You grab his palm, your heartbeat accelerating.

Does he mean…?

He guides you into the bedroom, and you let him, hope spreading through your every nerve. You watch him as you reach the bed, and everything in you screams at you to kiss him. He’s never looked more beautiful, the dim light in the room enhancing every angle of his face.

Silence settles in the room and swells, and you let a shaky breath out as he slowly leans down, his soft lips finding yours. The contact immediately sets your body aflame, and you sigh against him, your arms looping around his neck. Benjamin kisses you leisurely, making you slump against him, your body feeling heavy and giddy at the same time.

“Benjamin…” you breathe, breaking the kiss, and he leans back to stare into your eyes. The depth and intensity of his dark irises tears a shiver out of you, and you brush a strand of hair away from your face.

“Are you sure?” you ask, and he sighs, placing a hand over your face.

“Let’s just… not think for a second, okay?” he replies, and you nod against his hand.

“Sounds good” you answer, and he kisses you again, his lips capturing you in a heartfelt, passionate embrace.

His hand grabs your face, angling the kiss and deepening it. His hand slips against your back, bringing you closer to him. You let him set the pace, kissing for a while, and find yourself breathless after a few minutes. Benjamin’s hands drift from your back to your face, and he offers you a smile before he speaks.

“Would be alright if we lied together?” he asks, and you nod, blinking slowly.

“Sure, Benjamin” you reply, your mind racing at the implications. You decide to let him guide you, because he’s the one who needs time, and you don’t want to pressure him.

You walk backwards until your knees meet the bed and you sit on it, looking up at him. He walks around the bed and joins you before he settles on it, his head resting against the pillow, an arm placed behind his neck. You scoot over, lying beside him.

You stare at each other for a while, and you can’t hear anything but the beating of your heart in your ears. Benjamin’s hand finds your face, and he gently strokes your cheek, a tender look in his eyes.

“You’re so beautiful” he murmurs, and you sigh before you answer.

“So are, you, Benjamin.”

You watch Benjamin’s expression change, from uncertainty to realization, your heartbeat accelerating, and heat spreading on your cheeks. He surprises you when he leans in, his lips finding yours again, and you wrap your arms around his shoulders, as he balances his weight on top of you. You let him kiss you, sliding your hands in his hair, bringing him closer to you. Heat spreads through your whole body, a feeling of need and urgency quickly taking over you. You need him closer, craving the feeling of his naked skin against yours, and his hands on your body.

As if he’s heard your thoughts, Benjamin roams his hands over your body, his fingers grabbing your hips, his grip firm on you. You moan against his lips, desire taking the best of you, and he responds with a low growling coming from the back of his throat.

He slides a hand underneath your top, and you feel his fingers hovering above your stomach, sending shivers through your whole body. Before you can think, you reach for his sweater, pulling at it, and he leans back, letting you slide it above his head. You tug at his shirt, bringing back to you, and the kisses get hungrier and frantic as his hands explore your torso, grabbing the flesh of your hips, stroking your ribs, before they find your breasts. You pant against him, and when you open back your eyes, you find dark obsidian irises appraising you. Benjamin kisses you again, crashing hips lips against yours, covering your body with his. You marvel at the feeling of his weight on top of you, opening your legs and wrapping them around his waist to bringing him even closer. You start to grind against him, eager to get some friction, when he suddenly pulls back. You open back your eyes, lost in fiery haze of passion, and shoot him a surprised look.

“Are you sure?” he asks, and you grin, repressing a laugh.

“I feel like I’m the one who should ask you that question.” Benjamin chuckles, setting his head back and briefly closing his eyes.

“I just… I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret” he replies in a hoarse voice.

“Trust me, Benjamin, I want this.”

As he seems to ponder on your words, you watch volatile emotions flicker in his eyes, from need, to fear, then a deep desire, and you lie still, transfixed by his dark and intense gaze.

“What is it?” you ask, desperate to know what he’s thinking.

He tears himself off you to lie on his back next to you, and you immediately miss the feeling of his body pressed against yours. Repressing a frustrated groan, you shift on your side to gaze at him, admiring his beautiful profile. He’s staring at the ceiling, and feelings of doubt and insecurity quickly take over your mind, dissipating the haze of passion you previously felt. Are you a bad kisser? Doesn’t he want you as much as you crave him? Anxiety swells into your chest, and when you speak next, your voice sounds broken.

“Do you want me leave?”

He shoots you a surprised look and you hold his gaze, eager to find some reassurance.

“No, I don’t want that.” He shifts on his side as well, reaching for your hand, interlacing his fingers with yours, and you let a shaky sigh out, not relieved in the slightest.

“Then what’s wrong?”

You carefully search his expression, and he gently squeezes your hand.

“I don’t want to mess this up.”

You lick your lips, lowering your gaze, letting disappointment wash over you. He’s not ready yet.

“I’m sorry, I know this must be frustrating” he says, and you hear tones of guilt in his voice.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine Benjamin, I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.” You quote his own words back to him and let the hurt swallow you whole. What is it about you that doesn’t make him trust you?

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just… Last time I was in a relationship… when it ended, it hurt so badly. I thought I’d never get over it.”

You welcome his admission, your heart breaking in your chest. You hate to know that Benjamin suffered this badly. You discover that you’d be willing to do anything to spare him any pain, and nod against the pillow, giving him a soft smile.

“I understand, Benjamin, it’s fine.”

He briefly closes his eyes, and you ponder on your next question, wondering if you’re crossing a line or not.

“How old was she?” The words hang in the air, and you watch Benjamin’s eyes darken, immediately regretting your question.

“She was older than me, twice my age, actually.”

Surprise washes over you as you stare at him. “How long were you together?”

Benjamin shifts on his back, escaping your gaze, and you reach to grab his hand, wanting to appease him.

“Almost a year” he replies, and you blink a few times, stroking the back of his hand with your thumb.

“We don’t have to talk about it” you offer “If it makes you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine, I just… I haven’t talked about it in a while.” You hear the strain in his voice, and struggle not to let curiosity get the best of you, questions jostling in your mind.

“Why?”

Benjamin’s eyes find yours again, and you spot insecurity in his gaze. “Because it was too painful” he admits, and jealousy creeps its way into your heart. Who was this woman, and why had he suffered this way? He must have loved her intensely, otherwise he wouldn’t have crossed an ocean to escape his heartbreak.

“I understand, Benjamin”, you reply, and you let him decide if he wants to continue the conversation.

“She was… she was kind, caring, beautiful… But many people judged our relationship, especially her children.”

You gaze at him, amazed that he’s finally opening up to you, and don’t answer, still eager to give him the choice to delve into the conversation or not.

“They thought I was after her money, that I was ill intentioned. They were suspicious, and made everything difficult.”

“I’m so sorry” you offer, and you truly mean it. It must have been terrible to be judged that way. How could anyone believe that Benjamin was anything but sweet? He’s never shown any sign of wickedness. Sure, he could be mysterious, and aloof, but you don’t believe that Benjamin is a bad person, quite the contrary.

“It’s fine, it’s in the past now” he looks back at you, smiling softly, and you lower your gaze, wondering what to say next. “What about you?”

“What?”

“Have you ever been in love before?”

The question leaves you breathless, and you struggle to find an answer. “I thought I had, but… I don’t think so anymore.” You answer truthfully. Benjamin’s eyes are still fixed on you, and you wonder what he’s thinking.

“What made you change your mind?”

Lowering your eyes on the bed, you ask yourself whether you should answer him or not, because it might be way too soon to admit these kinds of feelings in the early stages of your relationship. Then again, you are falling for him, and it wouldn’t be fair to lie to him. Feeling unsure and nervous, you answer him, still avoiding his gaze.  

“Well, the way I feel about you now. It’s very new, I had never experienced anything like this before.”

Your admission is greeted with silence, and you glance up, finding his dark eyes again. The emotion in them makes your insides clench: the depth of his stare takes your breath away, longing and desire appearing clearly in his stormy irises. When he kisses you again, you feel every bit of restraint gone in his touch, and relax under him, letting him completely devour you. You quickly find out that Benjamin must be a passionate lover: he kisses you possessively, and you find yourself aching and desperate to feel more of him. Before you completely lose your reason, you find the strength to pull yourself out of his embrace and take a quick breath.

“We should stop.” You pant, and he rests his forehead against yours, nodding.

“Yeah.”

You close your eyes, amazed by your own self-control. You briefly wonder how long you’ll have to wait until you can finally explore the physical side of your relationship with him but push the thought aside. It’s doesn’t matter, as long as you’re with him.

“Let’s go to sleep, okay?” Benjamin suggests, and you nod, giving him another peck on the lips.

“Do you have a shirt I can borrow?” you ask, eager to change the subject and avoid the dangerous territories you just explored. He smiles and tears himself off you, before getting up and searching his dresser. He retrieves a grey shirt and gives it to you, before undressing. You get on your feet, averting your eyes and refusing to stare at him, knowing your self-control is feeble. You undress, taking your skirt and tights off, before reaching for your top. Benjamin moves around the bed while you slide his shirt on, and remove your bra from under it. When you glance back at him, he’s already under the covers, and your eyes wander over his torso, detailing his slim but muscular figure: his skin looks smooth, and you’re dying to let your fingers wander over his pecs, all the way to his stomach. Instead, you lie down, in front of him, and his hand reaches for your arm, slowly stroking your skin up and down. You release a contented sigh, shivers prickling on your skin, and Benjamin kisses you one last time before he reaches for the light on the nightstand.

Finding yourselves in the dark, you blush intensely, listening to the sound of his breathing. Moonlight enters the room, and you glance at his face, detailing the way the light kisses his features.

“Goodnight” he whispers, and his voice is low and promising. You shift on your other side, knowing that you won’t be able to drift off if you have the possibility of watching him. He keeps tracing patterns on your arm, and you fall try to fall asleep, letting the wine you drank and the intense emotions you felt get the best of you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

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Hi !!! You must hate me by now, huh ? I know I know, but part of me still hesitates to include SMUT or not in this fic... Cause their relationship is so sweet and romantic. I might include smut but as a stand alone, so readers can decide if they wanna read it or not. Sounds good ?

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Please tell me what you thought about this part ? i’m an insecure writer and I need reassurance !

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[lily-drake]

Fantasy/Twin AU

Sorry for being late and not posting for a bit. Was a bit burnt out and had writer block. I will go back to write the other days soon though. Also, sorry, I suck at writing wing aus, this is my first time doing it.

Earth J-236, an earth full of mystical life.  An earth where everyone is born with wings.  Your wings represented who you are; well not really, but that’s what people believed.  If your wings were bright and colorful then you were obviously an amazing person, but if your wings were darker or had little color, then you have great evil in your soul.  Marinette was born seconds after her twin, Damian.  It takes a few years before your wings fully grow in, usually to about 6.  But with the accelerated growth serums used in their artificial wombs, it took them till they were three for their feathers to sprout.  Damian’s were black like their father’s with subtle hints of red like their mothers.  Marinette’s were pure black, devoid of any color, and her mother was so proud of that.  She was the League’s charm, for it’s believed that anyone with pure black wings was pure evil.  Her only purpose being to protect her brother, nothing else was more important than her brother’s safety.  She would die for him, because if he died she might as well have died as well as her only purpose for living would be gone.

Damian glared at his sister, his wings ruffling in annoyance.  She was hovering close to him again, and she never said anything to him ever unless she was completely sure they were alone.  He did not believe that his sister was or could ever be, “pure evil” just because of her wings.  In fact, her mannerisms are the exact opposite of what people believed.  She, in her own ways, is caring, sweet, and protective.  He had seen, and helped, her nurse a baby bird that had fallen from its nest back to health.  She would often place little things around the base for only him to find such as some extra baklava, a throwing knife, a drawing of someone, beads, or other random objects.  Grandfather had always been extra hard on her, making sure she wouldn’t betray them, she wouldn’t become “evil enough to lose herself”.  Sometimes she would sneak into his room at night, and it tore him apart to see silent tears run down his little sister's face as small black raven feathers fell onto the floor from her days worth of training.  He had been learning how to fly, her wings had been clipped every two or three months so she could not leave the base.  She had learned long ago to control her facial and wing expressions, but he could always see the droop in them and the sad shine in her eyes as she stood on the ground while he was in the air.

________

Marinette looked up and watched as the fiery Phoenix flew through the air setting Nada Parabat aflame.  She didn’t feel much as she watched her grandfather get blown up.  She only felt great anxiety and fear as she could not find her brother.  She loved her brother, and if her job was to cause chaos, she would make sure she could prevent it from hurting him.  Grandfather had told her about how cursed she was, it’s why they had to be extra tough on her, and she understood that.  They couldn’t have her hurting anyone they needed, only the people they wanted gone.  She was angry at grandfather yesterday for taking some of her feathers for failing a task, this must have been her fault.  She didn’t want to hurt her brother, her wings had only proven nothing but destruction.  She had to leave now, then she could go where no one else was, and she wouldn’t have to hurt anyone else.  So like a coward, like the disgrace she was, she ran.  She kept her wings tight against her back making sure that no one could grab them as she ran.  An arrow hit one of them, but she didn’t have time to think about the burning pain as she ran and ran and ran farther and farther and farther away.  Tears ran down her cheeks as she silently prayed that her brother would be okay.

She didn’t know how long she ran, but she knew it must have been a really long time as she had just collapsed from exhaustion in the woods.  She looked back at her wings and slowly and carefully spread them out and hissed in pain from where the arrow had pierced her left wing.  Drops of red slowly dripped down her feathers and dropped on the ground.  She quickly closed them and made sure they were as small and put away as possible.  She looked up at the trees made of brass with different colored jade leaves.  Pearl-like apples growing on a few.  She watched a baby griffon follow it’s mother in the distance, turtle ducks waddling to a pond somewhere nearby, deer nibbling on plants, she could hear the rustling of leaves and branches from unseen creatures and everything was getting more blurry and dark.  She was cold, it felt very cold.  She slowly unwound her wings from around herself and closed them tightly around her, but that didn’t stop the chill that went deep down to her bones.  She was a failure, a mistake, she would only cause harm.  Here she wouldn’t be able to do that, and if she died here, then no one would be hurt by her again, and wasn’t that such a nice thought.

________

Tom and Sabine had finally been able to hire some trusted employees and explore places in Tibet.  They had made lots of money over the years with their successful bakery, and they thought now was a better time than ever to go on a real honeymoon as they hadn’t been able to afford it before when the bakery had first started.  It was during one of these forest explorations when they saw a trail of little drops of blood and felt they needed to follow it.  What they discovered broke their hearts.  There lying on the cold forest floor was what appeared to be a child hugging their very black wings around them.  They knew of the rumors and myths of black winged people, but they did not care.  They believed that their wings were not what made them evil, but rather situations put into their lives.  Sabine quickly checked for a pulse, and though it was slow she sighed in relief when she felt it.  She quickly handed the small unconscious girl to Tom and they both quickly went to the nearest hospital.  How could someone leave such a small child all alone to die like that?  It looked as if she had been injured if the dried blood on the small fragile wings said anything.  And worst of all, upon closer examination, they had been clipped, recently too.

As soon as they arrived they carried the small girl to the front and demanded that they take her in.  They waited until the doctors were done and gave them permission to visit claiming to be the girl’s adopted parents.  It wasn’t technically a lie, they would be soon even if Sabine had to force it to happen.

When Marinette woke up she knew something was off.  She was under a blanket, she’s never been given a blanket before.  The sent of bleach and chemicals were everywhere and it hurt her nose.  There was a beeping noise next to her that was giving her a headache.  She didn’t know where she was, and that was bad.  She opened her eyes a small fraction so nobody could see she was awake and looked around as much as she could.  The entire room was white and there were bright lights.  There were two strange people waiting in chairs near where she was laying.  She wondered if they were the ones who brought her here.  Slowly she opened them up all the way and silently sat up.  It’s best to make no noise, then she wouldn’t disturb anyone.

“Oh sweety, I’m so glad you’re awake.”

The woman said in a cheery and relieved manner, but she just continued to watch and study them silently.  Her wings felt stiff against her back, though she made sure they didn’t move or give anything away.

“How are you feeling dear?”

Silence greeted them, and her face remained as impassive as ever.  They wanted something, why else would they save a freak like her?  What were they aiming for here?

“Did your parents hurt you?  If so, we can take you away from them.”

Marinette’s eyes widened only a fraction.  These were randoms, innocents if you will.  They obviously had no idea who she was, and they seemed unafraid of her and her wings.  Did they not know how dangerous she was, didn’t they know that black wings meant she was cursed?  The man and the woman looked at eachother and spread their wings.  Marinette was shocked, but she wouldn’t show it.

The large man had light brown eagle wings while the small woman had white and black woodpecker wings.  She wanted to reach out and touch the feathers, but then something bad would happen to them, so she held her hands together.

“We don’t care what your wing color is.  Your wings don’t define who you are, it’s what you do with your life that does.  Can we please help you?”

The woman said sincerely as she gripped the man’s hand in hers.  She felt a pull to them, something telling her to accept.  She didn’t want to hurt them though.  But maybe she could protect them?  Maybe she could find a way around her curse and make sure they don’t get hurt?  Slowly she nodded and they both looked so happy when she did.  She hoped that she wouldn’t hurt them, they didn’t deserve to be cursed.  Maybe if she didn’t touch them things would be ok.  If she didn’t let them touch her then it wouldn’t spread.  She could do this!

________

Apparently she couldn’t do it because this is a very affectionate family, and the first thing that happened before they let her sleep on their —super fluffy, pure Heaven— bed was give her a hug.  She had made sure that her wings were tucked under her clothes and tight against her back the entire time though.  So they didn’t touch her wings, so maybe that meant they wouldn’t be cursed.

It was strange, because the next morning they went to a courthouse, and she was adopted.  She hadn’t said anything throughout the entire event, she just watched and observed what people did.  They stayed in Tibet for another few days before they flew to Paris, France.  This was supposed to be her new home.  The city of light and love.  Maybe here, it would stop her curse.  It was so bright that it had to block out her darkness.  She still always carried one of her knives with her, she felt naked without one.  Tom and Sabine seemed to understand somehow, and said that it was her business and that was enough for them till she was ready to talk about it.  It was strange not to be interrogated for now wanting to tell someone something.

Marinette had lived with the Dupain-Chengs for about a year now.  It was strange really, they were honest business people and their joy was always sincere.  They didn’t question much of what she did even though it was probably weird to them.  They didn’t punish her for messing up like the league did, and they never went near her wings without permission.  They never plucked her feathers, and they would often ask if they could preen her wings.  She would refuse every time, but she would often wonder what it would be like to have someone else touch them.  Think of what it would be like if she weren’t cursed.  When it was time for school she would always wrap them around herself then tape them so no one would see or be able to touch them.  Things were finally going well, she couldn’t risk it now!

There was a blonde brat that liked to act like she was above her, and because her wings were always hidden with no explanation she made sure everyone knew that she was “wingless”.  She didn’t care though, being wingless was better than being evil winged.  She never really said anything in class or to other students, she never gave much reaction keeping her stoic face up.  The brat left her alone soon after for being a, “ridiculous!  Utterly ridiculous freak.”  And nobody was the wiser.

Being Lady Chaos was….the best thing that ever happened to her if she was being honest.  Even with pure black wings, people still thought she was a hero.  She never flew, she was scared she’d fall and die.  She was never allowed to fly before, and even if she technically can do so now, it’s not worth the risk.  Her partner though, Mr. Bug has gold, red, and black wings.  He can fly through the air with ease she wished she desperately had.  Sometimes after patrol she would go to the very top of the Eiffel Tower and just stretch her wings out as far out as she could.  She would close her eyes as the wind blew past her and ruffled her feathers and pretend that she was soaring through the air.

________

Year three of living with Tom and Sabine she was comfortable talking to them more, and with Plagg there to control her chaos she finally let them touch her wings.  It was strange really, she never took care of her wings, never cared enough to.  When she first felt the hands on her feathers she had to will herself not to draw them back for fear of them plucking or ripped out.  But Sabine’s hands were so gentle and smooth that they seemed to move on their own and go closer to her touch.  Sabine would smile and hum as she gently preened the dark raven feathers that were soft and smooth.  Maybe she could finally tell the class that she wasn’t wingless soon, and maybe they would be okay with it.

No, they would not as she learned from listening to her classmates talk to the new student, Lila Rossi.  To them Lady Chaos was the only good black winged person because she was chasing after Mr. Bug to earn his affections.  Lady Chaos was obviously evil before she met Mr. Bug and she would always be evil no matter what she did.  Marinette felt nauseous that she ever thought about telling them the truth.  She had never felt more betrayed than she felt now, because she had given them her trust, and they broke it without even knowing it.  After that day, she made extra sure that her wings were hidden and wore a bit thicker clothing just in case.  Tom and Sabine are a little worried about it, but she calmed them pretty quickly.  She was fine, it wasn’t like they were all great friends to begin with.  That’s probably why everyone sides with Lila and decides that she’s a terrible person.

She had tried leaving her past behind, pretending that she didn’t hurt and kill people.  Pretend that she wasn’t a weapon.  She tried to push it far away, but it wasn’t enough.  It was never enough.  She had abandoned her brother.  She betrayed the league.  She did unspeakable things to please someone who would never care about her, just her use.  The city of lights seems duller than usual, it was probably her fault Hawkmoth came to be in the first place, afterall she was cursed to bring ruin everywhere she went.

________

Lila and Chloe thought it would be a great idea to bring everybody to the Crime Capital of the World for their senior trip.  Probably to watch people flounder and worry when things go wrong, which they definitely would.  She had stopped Hawkmoth a month before the trip, but Mr. Bug took all the credit for it. The arrogant self centered bas*.  Adrien kept giving her side glances that always made her feel uncomfortable and slightly disgusted.  During school he would try to touch her with every chance he’d get.  He almost discovered her wings at one point.  She couldn’t do anything about it before because of the stupid your-rich-so-do-whatever-the-heck-you-want treatment.  Now that Adrien’s family fortune is gone, and people don’t trust him because of what his dad did, so he has to be more careful.  He now kept some distance, which she was extremely grateful for.

She would have broken his hand, she had imagined it plus other things more than once.  But then Tom and Sabine would get in trouble by Gabriel for her actions.  They didn’t deserve that, they had been nothing but good to her since they found her abandoned in that forest.

She would be fine though, as long as Lila had a grip on his arm and she was in the back, away from him.  She listened to their tour guide, Richard Grayson, talk about the history and importance of WE.  The architecture was brilliant really, and you couldn’t blame her for having to draw and sketch it.  She often thought of Damian when she sketched.  She used to leave drawings for him around the base, little things that expressed her adoration for him without getting too close.  She wondered if he was still with the league, had he escaped, did he die?  She hoped that wasn’t the case, she hoped that he would be alive and well.  Bright orange and white wings nearly slapped her in the face if she hadn’t stopped right before the movement had occurred.

“Oh my gosh!  I’m so sorry Marinette!  Sometimes my wings just spasm out of control like that!  I didn’t hurt you did I?”

Marinette just silently rolled her eyes and took a few steps backward and watched the class glare at her waiting for her to comfort the liar.  She would never lower herself to do that.  She was still an Al Ghul afterall, even if she did leave it behind when she fled.  She was thankful when lunch came, she waited far away from the line and watched silently from a dark corner to make sure no one would hurt her.  Then she felt it, a hand touching her back feeling for something.  She quickly and instinctively grabbed the arm and twisted it behind them pinning it behind their back at a painful angle.

“Ukhti, let go.”

Marinette knew that voice.  She remembered that name and she could feel her heart stop.  The lunchroom was silent as they watched the small bluenette silently and quickly release the “Ice Prince”. Everyone watched with bated breaths to see what would happen next.  The boy’s wings were ruffled in agitation and fear.

“Where are they?”

He demanded.  Marinette knew what he was talking about, she simply wrapped her arms around herself and turned her head away definitely.

“Why are you hiding them, Malak?  Please.”

Marinette could feel her wings moving in defiance to what her brain was saying.  They wanted to be shown, they wanted to be touched by her brother again.  She looked down and slowly uncrossed her arms from her body.  Damian gently took her hands in his and looked directly into her eyes.

“Everything will be ok, Taw'ami.”

She slowly nodded and with shaky fingers reached under her hoodie and began to slowly unwrap the tape that kept her wings confined.  When all the tape was in her hands she hesitantly removed her hoodie and let her wings unfold from around herself and into the open.  She had made shirts that let her wings slip through slits in the back that were tailored to her wings specifically and were most comfortable.  Damian marveled at how big her raven wings had grown and how shiny they were.  He reached out a hand slowly and gently ran his fingers down the inky black that was her wings.

Shouts of fear and accusations were thrown at her, mostly from her class.  She didn’t listen though, she just observed.  The tour guide was coming over now, probably to kick her out.  He had such lovely wings though,  they were a deep navy blue that looked similar to black with dark red and light blue running through them.  They looked so well kept and soft.

“Damian, what’s happening?  Who is this?”

“Grayson, meet my twin sister, Marinette.”

“You have a twin?!”

Richard exclaimed loudly, drawing even more attention.  The insults and jeers stopped after that.  She looked over at the class and smirked when she saw their shock and confusion.

“Yes, keep up.”

Damian said brusquely.  They must know each other well then.

“Come, we must take her away from these imbeciles and take her to father.”

Damian grabbed her wrist and tugged, her quickly falling into line like she used to when he did this.

“Now tell me Ukhti, have you been taking care of yourself?”

She nodded as they came to an elevator and walked into it with Richard right behind them.  Marinette felt her feathers fluff up nervously.  She wasn’t in control of them right now, and she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Damian ran a hand gently down her right wing trying to smooth it down.

“Things will be fine Marinette.  Just watch, father will be glad to meet you.”

She looked him in the eyes and squeezed her hands together.

“No, I have not told him about you.  Things will be fine though.”

He seemed to understand her weird way of communicating, she still didn’t understand how he did.  Richard cleared his throat and both turned to look at him.

“Sorry to interrupt, but um…I’m Dick, I’m Damian’s, and yours I guess, oldest brother.  It’s nice to meet you.”

He spread his wings in a welcoming way that meant and showed safety and peace. Her wings involuntarily rose up as well to reciprocate his greeting.  When the door to the elevator opened again she quickly forced her wings to hide on her back trying desperately to keep them from sight.  Damian didn’t seem to like it, but he just grabbed her wrist and dragged her to a large office room.  The plaque on the door read “CEO Bruce Wayne”.  Their father was Bruce Wayne?!  She couldn’t go in there, she couldn’t curse him and ruin his life.  No, she had already messed up at the league, and she was just barely not messing up with Tom and Sabine, she would definitely ruin Bruce Wayne’s life, and she would not allow that to happen.  She tugged at his grip desperately trying to get away.

“Marinette, stop.  Your wings are not cursed, that was a lie.”

Marinette shook her head and kept trying to escape the iron-like grip.

“Do you not trust me anymore?”

She froze at that and quickly shook her head.  Of course she trusted him, it was her that shouldn’t be trusted.

“Good, because we’re going in now.”

And that was that, because the door was now open and she was being dragged into the office room where their father and another boy with large bags under his eyes stared at them.  Damian puffed up his chest and feathers letting his strong, big, and brilliant wings rise into the air.

“Father, this is your daughter, my twin, Marinette Erebus Al Ghul-Wayne.”

They both stared at her in shock and Marinette slowly and cautiously raised her despicable black wings into the air.  Both stared at them in awe before looking back at her, but she didn’t meet their eyes.  She didn’t want to see the disgust and hatred in their eyes.

After a few moments she looked up and saw their wings greeting hers like Dick’s had.  Their father’s wings were a mix of black and dark grey alternating the color in each row of feathers.  The other boy’s were black at the top and slowly turned to red at the bottom.  But they were welcoming her openly, so that must mean something!  Well, it was time to get to know her father, she guessed.