#there is SO MUCH insane shit i could talk about it for hours ive never experienced a piece of media like this before

[i-mode]

sometimes i really wanna write about my favourite things about yiik and then i remember i cant put my thoughts into words correctly and i have the mental capacity of a toddler

[nyxi-pixie]

Hiiiii.

Sorry to bother you, I wanted to know if you had any fic recs? Your writing is so good and your tastes are immaculate, and I am starving for any kind of good content. Please?

its not possible to bother me love dw <3

NOW. i dont actually read all that much anymore bc i am horrendously picky but this does give me an excuse to hype up the few authors that have satisfied my unreasonably specific tastes 🤩.

so. a few bsd recs for you (except theyre 99% skk because im horribly predictable forever). everyone go read all of these and tell the authors how wonderful they are in the comments please <3

anything @booksandpaperss has ever written is genius work and everyone should read it. could talk abt all of their stuff for hours (and i have🤩 they put up w so much of me bothering them godbless). also our brains do some accidental crazy mind melding shit whenever either of us write fic so if you like any of my stuff you will like theirs. thats the rules. <3

like twin stars in the dark (we collide)- dead apple skk porn as a vehicle for 22skk analysis. makes me salivate i have read it so many times. they get 22skk better than anyone🙏

my lies are for you to keep (my love for you to lose) - the only take on beastskk that matters to me ever. you can actually see me losing my mind in the comment i wrote on this fic bc of how fucking insane every single line made me. theres SO much packed into this thing its fucking crazy i NEEEEED everyone to read it. thats all <3

till death, I'll give you my breath - dazai death timeloop. this fic terrifies me so much i await every update with my teeth chattering and my heart pulsing so rapidly i should be hospitalised. the first scene of chapter 2 genuinely had me on the verge of tears im unwell about it.

(elli also has some jjk stuff thats REALLYREALLY good and if ur into jjk u should check that out too.)

NOW. aside from being a propaganda machine for my fav writer ever. Heres some other stuff i love.

the second perspective by @wildflowerteas. murder mystery/detective noir stuff w some time fuckery. the au of all time. mashes aspects of beast, canon, and some extra special niko sauce into a mixing bowl and goes crazy w it. just Such a genuinely impressive piece of writing. i could talk abt the technical brilliance of it for hours but i will stop myself. you gotta commit to this thing because it WILL make u crazy. also i loveee the sskk. its like if we had the beast first meeting sskk forever. SOSO GOOD!!!!

did fate guide the gun or did you? by @kanetheo. i read this pretty soon after chapter 109 and it genuinely fried my brain for months. the writing style is beautiful (as for everything they write AUGHH!!!) and the angst is delectable. the way it intersperses more fun silly skk moments with just. complete misery. GOD. it just hits. ive reread it quite a few times and it never fails to make me go crazy. srsly cannot rec this enough.

the decomposition of dazai osamu by @hella1975 this shot several bullets through my brain and i still havent recovered. i keep thinking 'oh i should reread that' and then i dont bc some part of my brain still concerns itself w maintaining whats left of my sanity. BUT its crazy good and everyone should read it and suffer at least once. EVERYONE LOVES YOU OSAMU!!!! EVERYONE EATS YOU!!! line of all time lets all kill ourselves.

smoke held conversations by feralrookie - i havent reread this in a while but it does cool stuff with nlh and the skkisms are really good in this too. ppl often write teen chuuya as less intelligent than he actually is. hes very observant, esp of dazai, and this fic gave me that 🙏

i called your name til the fever broke by forest_raccoon - vampire chuuya. biting is involved. i blacked out reading it. enough said.

[ritz-writes]

@asleepyy so sorry for tagging u twice in one day and i hope im not bothering u with my brain rot 😅

but yes, i did actually dissect the lyrics. yes, i am actually insane. and yes, i love this au quite a lot.

here are my notes and what i think each song represents, tho its mainly just the vibes i get. i made notes as i listened to them (note: i see songs almost always in animatic form. idk if that will effect how i imagine what each song means, but i thought it might be worth mentioning)

join me as i lose my mind over the course of an hour and a half

say what you think: def making me think of them both in heaven and jophiel wanting to ask questions.

running up that hill: AHH this one hurt. very obvious as well. jophiel seeing that azazel shouldnt be a demon. "And if I only could I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get Him to swap our places." i am sobbingggg

what difference does it make?: at first i was going to say its jophiel wanting to figure out what went wrong but azazel makes them promise not to, but i think its better suited for azazel understanding hes a demon, but he cant help but still have faith in the almighty

please please please let me get what i want: fuckkk is this about azazel being a demon but still wanting to do good 😭 short but still painful

ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've): my first reaction to the title alone was like the second image of the kambucha girl meme. anyway i think this one is about them becoming friends (or more?? 👀) but knowing its seen as wrong. "And if I start a commotion, I run the risk of losing you and that's worse" makes me also think of jophiel talking to the metatron and realizing he shouldnt ask about azazel lest he risk the poor thing being smited.

nothing critical: ohhhh this one gives hella vibes of jophiel not trusting heaven and knowing "something isnt right here" in regards to the fall-- HOLD UP "I know, someone had to go, If not him it'd be me instead" HELLO??? aziraphale asking for jophiel??? is this like after he finds out what azazels name used to be??

flowers never bend with the rainfall: hmm... i feel like this is a plot point song. not sure why. but "And I hide behind the shield of my illusion" makes me think it pertains to azazel

bird in space: oh this ones a bit tricky. i think ive reached the songs that no longer fit the lore we've been given thus far. so the only thing i can think rn is jophiel enjoying earthly pleasures? not rlly sure

angel, won't you call me?: oh fuckkk is this about a fight they have? "I fled at the face of my rival. When I felt his breath at the back of my neck. Angel, won't you call?" theres no way that isnt about azazel saying smth and then leaving, only to be scared he severed his tie to the only person thats been nice to him.

the stranger: first of this is a bop and im loving it. very groovy. the first thing that comes to mind is the "choose your faces wisely" prophecy. ooo is this about jophiel trying to convince azazel hes still meant to be an angel? that he wasnt meant to fall? also, the last verse is sticking out to me... not sure why

all i think about now: fuckkkkk this is giving me the vibes of jophiel finding out azazel Fell cuz of him and feeling guilty about it. "If I'm late, can I thank you now?" FUCKING OW?? oh yeah for sure this is about jophiel finding out and being sucker punched with guilt

ill be your mirror: oh goddd this song. i know crowley listens to this song but i cant remember what its about so lets see. AH SHIT YEAH THATS RIGHT. okay so jophiel reminds azazel that he is inherently good, regardless of if hes a demon. thats what im getting from this (also just tihnking of that ask i sent about the reflective sunglasses bthwjegkrw)

me and my husband: okay all im getting from this is "they r down bad". they r very very very much in love. getting vibes of this being after they stop the apocolypse. or maybe their feelings developing thru the centuries

time in a bottle: oh man this song always gets me. okay so, this and the last song r giving the oh-shit-i-might-be-in-love vibes. but this one is with jophiel's pov, while me and my husband is azazel's

ritz note: the last couple songs have been cute and lovey and i am now terrified of what the next ones r gonna be. cuz i know this fandom. and i am not ready for the pain. i am afraidddd

lonesome town: i fucking called it i knew the happy wouldnt last 😭😭 they had a fight didnt they. yeahhh they had a fight. FUCK why is this so sad but so pretty

across the universe: is this one sad too??? hang on theres a bit thats not in english, what does that mean... "Hail to the Heavenly Teacher." okay so i assume this is an azazel song. this is just making me think of the bookshop fire, but its azazel thinking jophiel died 😭 ....i am staring at the lyircs. i am glaring at the lyrics. this song MEANS something. i just dont know what. but its important. im squinting at it very hard (note: i came back to this song and am STILL glaring at it. its like. its like im seeing it covered in sand but i know theres gold underneath. i cant SEE the gold, but i know its there. this is driving me nuts /pos)

no wonder i: hm.. im not rlly sure with this one. OH?? is this azazel finding out heaven isnt that good?? "Suddenly I'm not so sure. That intentions can be pure." hmmmmmmm

what do they know?: holy shit okay this is a completely different kind of song than the others. im.... glaring at these lyrics too. feels like a plot point but cant tell what it is. i think its about jophiel? maybe heaven too?? idk im grasping at straws with this one

sea of love: oh yay a happy song again 😌 okay this is just short and sweet. gives me forgiveness and/or confession vibes.

who are you, really?: this one sounds important and i am glaring!! makes me think of "we dont need heaven we dont need hell" and also "a demon/angel that goes along with hell/heaven as far as he can". also just makes me think of jophiel speaking.

the moon will sing: i fucking love this song but i dont think ive ever looked at the lyrics so lets goooo. right away i see "I could have been anyone, anyone else. Before you made the choice for me" and think of aziraphale asking and falling for jophiel, and in a way making the choice of jophiel staying an angel. "Instead, I made a bed with apathy" jophiel trying not to care about a random demon. "I shine only with the light you gave me" jophiel giving azazel ideas on how to do "good" while being "bad". also with that line, thinking of azazel saying that to god and being sad about having fallen AUGHH i have a whole animatic in my head with this song and im losing my mind

matephor: hnnnn another important sounding song. jophiel vibes. fight song perhaps?? "Don't look too hard 'cause you won't like the scars he left in me" azazel vibes??? this one is elusive to me but i love it. okay im slowly getting more azazel vibes. like azazel trying to convince jophiel that he is a demon and fell for a reason

providence: right away getting "heaven and hell r bad" vibes. OHH okay okay this is giving me hella jophiel vibes, but specificly snarky and sassy jophiel vibes. of being like "oh yes heaven is oh so great, we kill children! but its for the greater good, of course. gotta beat hell and all that, even at the cost of innocents. all for the almighty and her ineffable plan." (this song is a bop omg)

earth angel: oh i know this one but only with crowley and aziraphale, so im excited to listen to it with an oopsie omens mind set. omg wait why does it hit HARDER. love sick azazel is such a cute image 🥺🥰

what more can i do: hmm.. them being in love but knowing its "forbidden"? cant tell who i imagine with it more

starman: this is just them. classic good omens song, regardless of the au. love to see it 💖

a pearl: AH FUCK ANOTHER SAD ONE. mitski whyy. hm.. azazel song? jophiel?? i think jophiel... tho my mind might be turning to mush at this point so im not sure. one of them is sad

duvet: oh def azazel vibes. oh maybe some jophiel vibes too?? i can see it swaping povs. i think it fits azazel more tho.

ritz note: OKAY the next song is in a different language and for a split second i legit thought i was having a stroke when i pulled up the lyrics ngl bgkewrrkjq

différent de toi: no idea what this song is about but its pretty 😊

oh thats all of them! i think the first half is more coherent observations, while the second half is just... rambling a bit lmao. idk if any of this makes sense. i might also be looking for things that arent there with these songs, but oh well. this was fun!

and now, after looking back at them all, i really does just slowly derail near the end lmao

[kewpidity]

Okay So i had a brain blast about my ship with alastor so this is gonna be the Definite Kewpie x Alastor Ship Post that covers everything i have so far about it ↷↷↷

so this whole thing starts because somehow someway i get a demon attached to me as a kid, a toddler even, dont really know how or why, but because of this my whole life growing up is plagued by insane near death experiences all orchestrated by this demon (this is based on some real shit in my life btw, not to sound superstitious or anything and i dont even think i believe in demons of any denomination but there was some Weird Shit going on, i might talk about it someday) and by the time im an adult ive tired everything under the sun to stop these things from happening- different religious practices, spells and charms and rituals and so on and so forth im at my god damn limit im so tired

eventually im pushed to try to fight fire with fire, and end up summoning Another demon to try and idk cancel out the old one? make a deal to keep me safe? not sure What my plan was but i'd come this far and i didnt know where else to turn

well the demon i summoned was alastor. he wasnt even my intended target, in fact of demon of his power shouldnt really be able to be summoned at all under normal circumstances, and would require someone with a ton of power of their own to pull it off (havent decided if this is something i managed to do because of all the varied rituals etc mentioned earlier, or some dumb luck) and that alone is kind of intriguing for him

tbh he hasnt been summoned in a While, its something that got lost to time and he kinda assumed it would never happen again, and even when it happened before he would usually just kill the person without bothering to strike a deal, cause even people who did manage to do it usually werent strong enough to do it safely

but hell has been kinda Boring lately, the hotel hasnt given him as much entertainment as he had hoped (this is like. mid season 1, and with the understanding that the story stretches way longer than the breakneck speed the actual show takes) and he sees this as an opportunity for something interesting to do for a while

when he hears what im looking for, he's gotta laugh about it- there's no way this other demon that had attached to me would give him any trouble, and this was a great way to guarantee he get another soul when i eventually died anyway, so he offers up this deal:

for a few hours a day he gets complete control over my body, a full on possession to do whatever he wants with that time.

obviously im hesitant, but we go back and forth on it a bit before deciding to make the deal with some ground rules (like he cant do anything thats gonna get me killed prematurely for example- after all im doing this specifically so i dont die by another demon's hand)

so we strike the deal! no all he has to do is get rid of that other demon and my soul is as good as his! its not that simple tho of course- he's not sure how the demon is accessing the living world, and figures its likely similar to what he's doing- somehow tethering himself to the living world, while their actual physical body is still in hell, so he needs to figure that out on his end, and it ends up being a more difficult task than previously expected- so he could be dealing with something older and more powerful than he realizes.

he'll figure that out later tho, he's got living stuff to do! at first he's v dismissive when i ask him what he could possibly want to be doing with my body, like what was he even planning to get up to, but he cant keep me completely in the dark about it cause im still sorta There when im possessed- its a bit like lucid dreaming where you're aware that you're dreaming, but not quite aware enough to control what you're Doing in the dream, and over time i become more and more present the longer he's possessing me

so eventually he admits that he's curious about what happened after he died- he was a bit of a celebrity when he was alive after all, he's sure it would cause Quite a stir when it was revealed after he died that he was a criminal- a moonshiner for one, but a serial killer and cannibal! he wants to know if there was a media circus, where he was buried, wants to visit his old stomping grounds, and so on and so forth. this leads me on all kinds of adventures through the deep south, the dusty aisles of libraries and newpaper archives, old graveyards, and so on, all the while we keep getting more comfortable and close despite ourselves

and eventually i realize that he isnt actually interested in what happened to himself after his death, he's actually using all this to try and find out what happened to his mother. she was Not a local celebrity, and his infamy was so large that it eclipsed most of the people he knew in life, so tracking it all down was kind of a hassle. but he was and is a mama's boy, and he wanted to know if she lived a good life

now all of this eventually winds down to figuring out why there was that first demon attached to me, probably some fucked up nonsense a little while back in my family tree or something (tbh im not sure how much i want to focus on the how and why but we'll see) and we get that settled finally as well as finding out how alastor's mom's life played out and put him at east there, and all that's left is to simply live my life until i die, where i'll go to hell and alastor will have my soul to keep (we're v cozy at this point and quite comfortable cohabiting a body and mind space so he's not particularly eager to completely break the tether until my time comes)

and the thing about sharing a mindspace with something extremely dangerous and powerful that has just enough sway over the world around you to keep you safe in a bad situation, or even fully take over your body to get you out of it, is that you feel v confidant most of the time and fear isnt really something you deal with anymore, so i frequently go wandering around the woods at night for example because im sure nothing can really touch me when i have a demon for a companion

a demon in your head cant protect you from a bullet however, and maybe i should have known better than wandering the woods at night during deer season, and maybe the unholy aura i had around me hit the moonlight just wrong and the hunter thought he was aiming for the silhouette of a creature with antlers, and then i was dead

and then i wake up in hell

if this was a fic, at this point it would be like the 'part 2' (and who knows if i iron it out enough maybe i Will write it sometime) and im not sure exactly what i want to do about it just yet obviously it would loosely follow the canon of the show, just with a lot of extra stuff thrown in. maybe in 'part 1', we didnt actually Kill the other demon, just broke away from it, and its still in hell somewhere, fuming about losing my soul, or maybe finding out about his mom actually did Not put alastor at ease- maybe his actions made her life very difficult and now he has to deal with knowing that and i can use that as a catalyst to him getting redeemed to see her again in heaven, not sure yet!

but i do know a big part of the interpersonal situation is that we dont share that mindspace anymore, we're just physically There Together and tbqh its really difficult to cope with. we both got so used to it that we feel like something's missing now, and we might even go so far as to try to find a way to reestablish that mental link, or maybe there's still echoes of it lingering, but only if we're asleep or something like that

like i said, still ironing out the hell part of it all, but thats what ive got! much to think about much to think about

and to add to this- some stray little Thoughts and Ideas to play around with in regards to this story:

while researching alastor's life and 'hunting grounds' we run into a copycat killer, probably someone who has a personal collection of alastor's things, works at a library maybe, who's always dreamed of following in his footsteps, and that decides i should be the first victim since im also sooo interested in alastor's 'work' that i surely wouldnt mind (i do, and so does alastor (he does Not consider imitation as flattery and who tf does this loser think they are coming after something that belongs to him (he's gotten attached)))

i for sure need to come up with more fun and awful little adventures like that

alastor's ability to effect and manipulate the living world around me through his powers alone (so like Not literally using my body for example, this is more like a poltergeist) is stronger when there's radio static playing in the air

going off the idea that the mental link gets stronger and clearer the long it lasts, maybe at sone point it gets so strong that one time when i go to sleep, i 'wake up' in a v similar state as when alastor was first possessing me, that floaty, kinda-lucid-kinda-not, excpet now im hitching a ride in His body in hell and at this point he's so used to having me as a v general and vague presense at the back of his mind that he doesnt even notice at first that im much more clearly and actively There- its a frightening idea for us both when the realization sets cause now we Really gotta face whays going on here and how far its gone

when i get shot by the hunter, alastor is actively co-piloting my body at the time, and since i headcanon he died in a similar fashion (bullet to the head) its like he experienced his own death all over again (something something tied even in our death etc etc) and he sort of 'wakes up' back in his body afterwards and after realizing what happened having to fight the urge to be seen frantically searching the streets for me now that i must be here

considering we Were linked up when i died, and the black mark this whole situation would leave on my soul, my demon form would probably echo his design

how far am i willing to go while alive to achieve our goals- ive definitely been put in situations where i needed to do harm for survival, but would i go further than that, not because i needed to, but because i wanted to? is it alastor's influence or something that i was always capable of? do i indulge in cannibalism? what about after im in hell, what then?

thinking on it, i think Will go with alastor's mom suffering from his life choices, and him having to deal with that, as Well as having to deal with that first demon in 'part 2' to carry over as an overarching plot

maybe we Both get redeemed but we dont actually like it in heaven like its too bright so we fuckin.

act up to get sent back (this is mostly jokey but could you imagine)

[gayleafpool]

Talk about Varian

IM ALWAYS READY TO TALK ABOUT THAT LOSER!! get ready

-> one thing i’ve been thinking SO hard about lately is the potential of a lady caine and varian friendship. imagine it. she lost her dad and varian thought he lost his which drove them to seek revenge against and grow to hate the royal family. they both get thrown in prison. and basically forgotten about. A FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THEM WOULD BE SO FUNNY he would probably think she was soooo cool. wait imagine if they had cells near each other in prison. imagine if she saw the things he went through w andrew in prison and thought hm wow that was insane and fucked up. what if they meet again later on like post s3 and become sorta pals and feel like they can vent their lingering resentment toward royalty w each other and just like. idk talk about all the shit they went through. WHAT THEN HUH

-> related i get so emo about varian repressing his trauma and like, outwardly it seems like he got over everything that happened to him with the blizzard/amber/prison/etc etc but really it was more relief that rapunzel forgave him and was able to free quirin so it felt like everything should be FINE and it would easy to just leave everything in the past so he tries and he thinks he’s getter better and doing well but he’s really getting so much worse and refuses to address or process any of the shit he went through until it all majorly comes crashing down a while later. there are these little signs in the way he behaves like he acts weirdly reckless sometimes and will put himself in bad situations, just starts to exhibit signs of what happened to him. iykyk u know we know. and it’s so hard for him to rationalize this and accept this bc his feelings are so complicated bc he would tell himself that he deserved to be treated that way or even liked it because he was so lonely and desperate for positive attention so there’s this shame and guilt aspect that makes it 10x harder to talk about and AUGHHHHHHH. i could write an essay. this is so important to me. everyone be nice to me about this

-> okay lighter topic. something i always forget about varian is that he’s a good artist like canonically i think that’s so fun. THEREFORE: varian and rapunzel drawing/painting together. ENOUGH SAID!!!!! i love them

wait now i’m thinking more varian and rapunzel thoughts. rapunzel teaching him how to dance. rapunzel being one of the few people who’s happy to sit and listen to him ramble about chemistry n shit cuz she loves learning new things so she’s genuinely interested. they are so <3 IVE ALSO SAID BEFORE that i think varian looooves learning new languages and he’s really good at it and i think rapunzel would be too!! they just end up having lots of common interests

also i refuse to believe varian ever gets taller than her i just cant see it

-> mmfmfmfmfmf varian and ulla thoughts. the fact that they look so similar makes me crazy. i also like to imagine that his hyperactive inquisitive balls to the walls insane personality comes mostly from her too. cute but batshit 🫶🫶 also the anger issues. u know that image that’s like i inherited my mother’s anger yeah thats varian. also the idea that quirin is so protective of varian bc he feels like he couldn’t protect ulla esp when you factor in that varian is basically just a copy of her. WAUGH!!!!! i’m emo.

something something donella seeing hugo start to catch feelings for varian and being like oh so this little shit is EXACTLY like his mother. bc it reminds her of how she loved ulla but could never have her. and it makes her hate varian sooo bad. girl rein in the projection

this has been explosion hour with gayleafpool come again soon

[dennisboobs]

i know peace bc ive never used twitter it seems like ur torturing urself a bit

yeah. but honestly if i can make like. one person stop fucking harassing glenn i'll take it. idgaf about these idiots qrting me trying to make fun of me, i don't want them anywhere near my twt (free blocklist) and they'll forget about it in an hour anyway. but some people have seemingly genuinely thought about it and agreed after a little pushback. it's mostly a bunch of teens who want to be edgy or think glenn has no feelings because he's a C list celebrity with a nice house. i don't think many people bother trying to push back against the accepted culture over there and most of them seemingly don't even think about it. i don't know why but twitter culture just. expects you to be incredibly fucking rude to celebrities on principle even if you like them. and this is. encouraged. and applauded. i think its disgusting, and ive been on the receiving end of parasocial relationships that had people getting overly invested in me and my friend, completely fucking obliterated any boundaries and speculated about our genders/sexuality/relationship so its. kind of personal. i hate to see it and i can empathize with glenn to a degree. especially when like. you compare other clips of him at cons or even on the podcast where he's WAY more reserved talking too deeply abt queer shit vs those encounters with fans, the guy was having the time of his fucking life with a bunch of superfans who let him know how much they care about his work. i really, really wish that we were on our best behaviour and a bunch of fucking 15 yr olds who have never been called a slur a day in their life and don't know the weight of their words weren't creating a hostile space for both sunnytwt and for glenn. why do you, as a fan, not want to be able to interact respectfully with someone you admire? why do you not want to treat him as a human being? like there's a difference between deifying a celeb vs being fucking respectful. it's not like this is elon musk it's fuckin. glenn. like he is so. just a guy. treat him like one. i can't help but feel bad when 90% of what he sees from fans are people in the comments of his posts bullying him. like why would you not want this man to know how insane he makes you on a daily basis. why are you so afraid of expressing genuine emotion that you have to harass him. bc its cringe to say you like sunny? that's the extent of his fucking interactions with fans. of course he's stoked to talk to fans who have actual love for the show. he probably never fucking sees it. and you know. its frustrating to see people who were THERE. interacting with him in person. now doing this shit. my own mutuals were doing that shit. i follow like 6 people on sunnytwt. its just. accepted. idk. i don't know how to phrase this in a way that makes sense but if you enjoy glenn's interactions with the fandom so much maybe dont fucking push him away. if there are a bunch of ppl qrting his old tweets with what seems like actual literal hate. idk. id start deleting if i were him. like there are just zero fucking boundaries and it makes me mad. why would you do this shit when you could take advantage of him being accessible and tell him how much sunny + dennis means to you instead.

[breadboylovin]

28 :3

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

omg this question is JUICY. strap in yall im telling you guys the tale of the insane girl i liked in freshman year of high school whose antics landed me in therapy for like the past 4 years

under the cut cus idk how long this will get. also this is from this ask meme

okay so we met online thru the bts fandom. she lived 2 hours away from me and we had a 2 year age difference (i was 15 she was 17)

the first ?!!?!? thing about her was that she was writing like INSANE bts porn fanfic (and i mean insane like. everything she published had at least one ao3 content warning on it) despite being underage. i learned about this in like april 2018 but i was too head over heels for her to care. in june 2018 we finally met irl and went to a science museum and she told me about some of the insane shit she was writing IN THE FOOD COURT while i was trying to eat a shitty subway sandwich. like wow

anyway summer passes and we have a bunch of relationship drama. im not getting into it too much (ive talked enough about it in therapy LOL) but we didnt date, it was an unrequited love thing where she kinda just exploited me for validation cus she was super depressed. anyway at some point we start talking less but she sends me her tumblr discourse blog. and then in september 2018 i found out she blocked me from it so i checked why and SHE HAD TURNED INTO A FULL-ON TERF while pretending she was still cool with our basically all-trans friend group. so naturally i show everyone else and we kick her out of all our gcs. at some point after that she also detransitions (she was a trans guy before which was why i liked her. cus im gay)

so i dont talk to her at all after that because why would i. technically i sent her an apology for something that id fucked up on but that wasnt like... a normal friend conversation yknow. and i assumed that she had figured out that she fucked my whole shit up and i wanted nothing to do with her. but APPARENTLY NOT because in august 2019 i woke up one day with several messages from her on twitter where she was like "omg this new hurricane made me think of you (we both live in florida and this was when hurricane dorian hit us) ^___^ how have you been?? im doing so good im in [MY SISTER'S COLLEGE] for biology and having a great time"

needless to say i was flabbergasted. im pretty sure i had literally woken up from a nightmare ABOUT HER that day and now i had to deal with shaking with anxiety so bad that i could barely talk to my mom over breakfast. i initially tried to be nice and be like "haha wow i havent heard from you in a long time... ummmm if you see me on your campus while im visiting my sister please dont talk to me". but then i went to therapy that night and left mad as hell so the next day i told her off and was basically like "i want nothing to do with you and if you talk to me again ill throw rocks at you". and that was the last time i talked to her

last i heard about her online she had been run off of insane bts porn twitter for being a terf. then she started writing insane porn about figure skaters and got run off of THAT twitter circle too. i hope she never knows peace again god bless

[awfullydrawntoby]

ive never heard of them personally but do you know this one guy named fae and if so what do you think about him. very importsnt question

sigh

fae,,,,, gosh i love fae so much, like, not even joking i spend a good portion of everyday just thinking about him. he always makes me really happy n just gahhh, idk man, there's not a thing i wouldn't do for him. wait hold on i actually have a whole- gimme a sec.

rambled from three am toby under the cut

"OHHH MY GOD I LOVE FAE SO MUCH STIP HIS MADDNSS I LOVE HIM HES SO SILLY THEYRELUTWRALLY THE EVR IMG ONNA GRAHHHSAMBSAM DAMABKAANM

HES SO<3333

IM LITERALLY GOING INSANR (POTVE)

I THINK AOUT HIM ALL THE TIME CONTANTLY, EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY AND IT NEVR GETS ANNOHING I LOVE HKM HAJNANMA

ANDANDAND WHEN

BDNANAM

WHEN HE SAYS HE LOVES ME I GET SOSOSOSOSOOSOSOSOSO HAPPY I PHYSICALLY CANNOT CONTAIN IT. IVE GONE FULL HOURS SITTING COMPLETELY STILL BY MYSELF(THIS IS ALMOST NORMALLY IMPOSSIBLE) JUST THINKING ABOUT FAE. LIKE ??????

AND TALKING TO HIM HAS GIVEN ME A THINGNTO FO EVRY MORNING AND NIGHT AND JUST GASBAHAJAB(POSITIBE)

BEVAUSE I TWLL HIM TO SLEEP EVEYNIGHT(AND IT WORKS!!! SORT OF, I DONT CARE IM SO HAPPY.) AND THEN I GET TO SAY GOODMORNING EVERYMORNING TO THEM

WHICH IS MY FAVOITE PART OF THE DAY, IS WHEN I WAKE UP AND I SEE FAES MESSAGES ON MY SCREEN. I CANT CINTAIN HOW HAPPY I GET. I HAVE TO SHOVE IT DIEN WHEN I'M IN CLASS BECAUSE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK IM ON MY PHONE IN CLASS BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT HIM SH MUCH MY FACE HURTS FROM SMILINH SO HARD

GJCNNMCHTJB

SHHHHHHHHHHH. IM SO NORMAL IN THE NORMALEST EVER.

IM SO SO SO SO SO SO NORMAL ABOUT FAE. SOOOO NORMAL. IM JUST A NORMAL PERSON WHO THINKS NORMAL THOUGHTS ABOUT HIS NORMAL FRIEND.

i literally love fae so much this is so genuinly insane i dont inderstand how i can feel this much emotions into one person this is so crazy.

i dont unerstamd but thats okay bevause love fae so muc and i wann give him so many kisses, on his cheeks, forehead, i dont care i wanna give him kisses im literally so love him so much hes<3333

theyre luterally the silly evr im going insane chat. if i had the choice i would give everything i could to faeo love fae so much

im so love wit fae

hes so<3333333

&$*@;(!,( im goung inane i love hethem theyre so.

crying

sobbing

positvly i literally love fae so much

i fot so happy once because of hownuch i love fae i syatted fucking crying bevause i had weird realization that fae is actually a real fuckin person yhat o can avtivley speak yo whenevr i want

like holy shit just oh my gosh im o halpy what the actual uck how is fae a real human being

hes so him andi wanna kiss him all kver and make sure hesnokay. and make him food and make sure he sleep and keep him safe and andandnandandand yk im so normal about him i think im literally the normalest abojt fae hes so<3333333333333

hes so<3

,bdkandan

yeaim so awesome and norma chat this is sucha anktmal thing to do

butlike shoeabkdnalda im going crazy. fae is literally on my mind all day everyday im going insane. "

end scene.

and there's so much more i could say too but just gahhhh

[winderlylandchime]

Hello!! I love how we are all hoping that Jordan brings back the podcast, i need those two besties back so badly. I feel like they have so much stuff they could talk about especially now with the strikes, it’d be fun to hear their take on it. I am honestly not ready for him to find out how the filming and the aftermath of the show was on Gale and Randy. I know he’s gonna lose his shit to find out how some people were towards them (especially since his idea of Gale in his head is obviously different and in his mind Gale and Randy are bffs like how he is with his friends.) but also i think he will be shocked to find out they both kind of stepped back from the show and had certain issues with it. He did storm in my room randomly today and went ‘IS THAT WHY THERE WAS LESS SEX STUFF?!’ Which btw it was 10 am when he did that, I barely knew i was awake. Basically he was up almost all night thinking about the finale and the podcast (he is once again that conspiracy meme) and he realized in later seasons there’s less sex scenes and now he is distraught that maybe it’s because Randy was uncomfortable. He was having an entire crisis over it. While I don’t know what all i will show him/what he’ll see on his own (i wanna show him bts content and like obviously anything else i can find) but i will be keeping con videos/posts FAR away from him because some of those are the worst things ive ever seen in my life, no offense to anyone. I will say, If you or anyone has any ideas what else I should show him, let me know because he has been losing his mind begging me to let him listen to more of the podcast.

As for our mom, i swear that woman is actually pretty chaotic herself but unlike my brother she hides it better. Both of our parents are insane but for some reason only he doesn’t even make an effort to hide it. She did get a long email sent to her by my brother because she was ignoring his calls and he wanted to talk about s4 finale. It was titled ‘IMPORTANT! NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHOW’ and then it was almost a short novel about the show.. He wanted to hear her thoughts since he is still undecided about Justin not saying yes to moving in. And he wrote a little bit about the podcast and he also asked her if she thinks Randy would like him if they met (clearly he is feeling a certain way about this) which caused a different crisis, a much bigger one: would Gale like him if they met. That crisis lasted almost 2 hours btw. Anyway as a reply to the email she just forwarded it to our dad who forwarded it back to me to tell me to ‘change the wifi password.’ And then I immediately got a call from my mom about the podcast asking me if it’s about the show and how he already has enough weird hobbies and why can’t I get him into something normal like a pottery group or painting group or something with normal people around. And then I heard in the background our uncle who went ‘after all the stories about him talking to DOCTORS, you want to unleash him on a person who is not medically trained?’ So he is now being encouraged to stay home and watch tv. Also: he is currently talking to his best friend about the finale, while writing down mind maps and lists of what he thinks season 5 will be. He’s having a bit of issues with it because the LA offer apparently fucked quite a lot of things up for him so his original list no longer makes sense. He is also talking to him at the same time (he’s jumping from topic to topic) about Gale and how shocked he was that Randy didn’t enjoy the qaf fame. I don’t know how this became my life. More importantly I would just like to say: i cannot wait for your new fic! I mean your last fic got us here so I can’t wait to see what happens next. But also bearded Brian>>

The podcast talking about the strikes would be amazing! I was hoping we would get a Barbie movie episode but alas. I really want to hear the besties talk about Greta Gerwig.

I have never seen the con clips and I’m grateful. I have too much secondhand embarrassment to sit through that boundary-crossing behavior and invasive questions.

I LOVE that your parents were like “change the wifi password” and uncle was like “unleash him into the world?” and they responded “jk never mind.”

I personally think Gale and Randy are still friends but we would never know with the one proof of life per year Gale gives us and Randy being tightlipped about his time on the show.

Wait until your brother realizes that one of Randy’s partner’s is named Justin (or is that the kid? either way there’s a Justin!)

I am dreading his reaction to S5 but we all watched it so he must as well…

And, yes, bearded Brian >>>

BUT I saw your request at the top - folks let’s start to pull together a post-S5 education for all necessary BTS for Brother Anon to fully understand QAF! In box me or comment on this post.

[danteswaginferno]

Giant humongous post about tfbw

okie dokie back to tfbw posting! i just finished my first playthrough (it took me 19.5 hours lawl) i absolutely missed a shit ton of side quests and stuff in the game, but my first playthrough of games i always do blind with no walkthrough so i can experience it raw 

im definitely gonna do a second run through of the game, this time with a guide to fill in any gaps i missed on my first playthough! i probably wont be getting 100 percent cuz thats wayyy too much effort but whatever  overall i really, really enjoyed it! i think i prefer tsot just a little bit more, since i like the gameplay and story flow a little more (i got lost way more often with what exactly i had to do/what i could do in tfbw) but i LOVED the combat system like way more than i was expecting in the first place. i think tsot has a beat out a little bit in that regard too, but thats just because i prefer slightly more casual gameplay over high-strategy gameplay.  i did about 80% of the battles with scott malkinson LMFAO as soon as i got him as a playable chr he never left my roster unless it was a fight that forced him out of my party lmfao. hes just too good i loved him. near the end my party was almost always stan scott and alternating jimmy and cartman. i was really excited about clyde because i love health drain moves/chrs but he kept fucking dying no matter what i did so he got booted LMFAO  but seriously i LOVE the combat system. its really fun and it really made me think super hard on some fights. spoilers for some of the fights up ahead i just wanna talk about them..  the towlie fight was really fun, i just kept cartman on fire the entire battle and made him run around. i felt kinda bad but it worked really well since he’s kind of a tank

all the battles with that stupid timer stressed me the fuck out since im not super good at split second decisions (so like some of the battles in maphestos lab and the eldrich god fight) but it was still fun to do. 

the story was pretty good! i was never bored playing, confused sometimes yes but never bored. near the end i got a little fucked up with all the time jumping and i kinda lost the plot but once i got my bearings back i thought it was a pretty well done segment.  i wish there were more fast travel flags. the map is way bigger than in tsot so idk why they didnt add MORE fast travel flags. (there are 12 fast travel locations in tsot and 11 in tfbw if i recall correctly) i thought i was going insane. i think 3 hours of my total gameplay time was just like walking around.  TLDR i really enjoyed it! i think there are definitely some improvements that could be made but overall 8/10 i will be replaying to get my 45 dollars worth of gameplay out of it. what ive learned is that i love scott malkinson more than life itself and he’s awesome

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

I was delusional to think this year would be different. TW:SH/ED

why are moms so toxic? i cant remember one birthday in which everything went smoothly ansd i truly felt loved by her. she has always made it clear to me that im not enough, she has sacrificed too much for me, im a waste of space, im a lazy sack of shit and she wished she never had me or my sister.

I just woke up a couple hours ago really excited because she stayed out late last night so I didn't get a chance to talk with her (we were starting to get along weirdly) and my birthday is tomorrow so I wanted to hear what her plans were and instead she yelled at me for not getting up earlier, for not having a job yet, (even though I had to quit my last one because of her and I've been applying for jobs ever since) she said I should stop using being autistic as an excuse because I'm "not really autistic", I'm "completely normal, I'm just a giant asshole"

why would she say that??! and then to make matters worse, a family friend is planning to make me food for tomorrow and so my mom said the least I could do to earn such a gift that I don't deserve, I should go swimming with her in her pool, although I cannot because I recently relapsed heavily and have sh scars all over my arms and legs and I would rather politely decline a swim rather than worrying everyone I know and love. so anyway, I couldn't tell my mom why I couldn't swim so I just said I'm really not feeling up to it and she replied with "okay well then, you're dead to me" and strangely as punishment forbid me from using her shower ever again?? I have a shower, but it's infested with mold, and we didn't find that out until I passed out after a shower, so I think that means I really am dead to her?? ouch!

I'm really sad though, more so because we just bought groceries and now, I may be wasting food because I'm fasting. how can I be a good anorexic though when my fear of wasting food overpowers my fear of gaining?? idk maybe I'll just cook for everyone else on my bday, that is, if I knew anyone to cook for. I also feel bad for not swimming with our friend especially because she is cooking a whole feast for me! something my mother would never be caught dead doing. a lot of my issues with food come from having no structure nor comfort in my household growing up, i went from eating too much to never eating enough. i love it though when i see family friends and they are always telling me that ive gotten too skinny and i need to eat more, and as a result always cook food for me and lecture my mom for not paying attention to me, not that shes obligated to, as im almost 20, but as long as im stuck with her due to finances and just a tad bit of codependency, she should be a little nicer to me right??

am I crazy for thinking that regardless of my age or life situation, when I'm home it should feel like home?? if I were going to college no one would question me for still being here, I'm just trying to save up some money but every time I do, my mom demands to borrow it and then threatens me that she won't pay me back if I don't do this or that for her. did I mention that she always plays the victim too?

she genuinely believes that the world owes her something. she thinks because of her disability, people should bow down to her and cater to her every need! that is so immature! its every man for themselves, if you can't hold yourself accountable, how do you expect your life to improve? doing the same thing over and over with no result gets you nowhere! that's insanity, its naive. I don't want to waste my life catering to her when I spent the first 19 years of my life being the adult and her being the child. I deserved better.

now I just want her to see how terrible of a job she did by rotting away. I don't care anymore, I know that's selfish but I just don't care about anything anymore, I want to starve, I don't want to eat anymore. I know better than to starve myself, but it feels so damn validating when I'm losing weight.

[storiesofsvu]

Alright, happy Thursday hoes, lets get to this.

Mothership first

Okay… interesting open…

Omg…how many times are they gonna use the trope of “don’t touch that!” “who the hell are you?” surprise it’s the new laywer…

Not surprised its another old white dude, but at least he’s not as old as mccoy

Okay seriously…. If they get rid of Samantha I will not be watching this show anymore..

I wonder if they’re going to bring this staff change up on svu too considering this guy is also now carisi’s boss… but the writers seem to have forgotten that these shows all exist together until they want to do a crossover.

If this was svu the ada would be storming into the squad room yelling at the detectives for making a mistake that’s gonna cost them their case. Why don’t we get to see that on mothership? I want more crossing over between departments, cops never show up in the gallery either, just to testify if they’re needed.

Oooo yesss that maroon suit. I see you ma’am!

Man they’re just right fucked with this case aren’t they?

This defence attorney is super crusty

How come these videos are coming up NOW and not before things went to trial??

This judges office is barba’s office. They really only have so many sets, hey? (also the continuity of that office on this show/universe drives me fucking insane).

My subtitles keep cutting in and out and that is also driving me insane

Toronto time.

Will I pay attention? Likely no

JESUS FUCK talk about a cold fucking opening wow.

Big surprise I stopped paying attention halfway through the ep. Like, it’s fully muted right now and I’m working on writing LOL

SVU time

BRUH is this maria stuff ive been seeing all over twitter legit?! I thought people were fucking clowning LOL

Olivia in uniform just fucking makes me so fucking weak every single time

Clearly the other captain hasn’t been in the field a lot if that was her immediate reaction to that crime scene

Okay… hear me out… olivia literally saved maria’s life and stayed on the phone with her ALL night. We all know she has a habit of taking in strays… there’s no doubt maria became a cop because of liv… maria would have reached out TO HER about her graduation, not the other way around…

Velasco getting actual screen time finally. I do have to say, im back on my Velasco bullshit…

LOL. I know it was unintentional but the harshness of velasco’s knock on the door killed me.

4 hours of law and order is too much. Im getting bored and this is the show I actually like. I think imma start skipping Toronto cause mothership does hit some days

If this girl has a good enough lawyer she could easily get off on an insanity type plea… tbh this episode would’ve been way better on criminal minds. That would’ve been bad ass.

This episode is almost over and we got absolutely NO closure on the maria thing AND we didn’t get to go to court. Im OVER this fucking show man lol

Liv being back in her bac nail polish era is bomb though

Fin doesn’t strike me as a scotch guy… this is weird..

Okay… liv is really not okay. Like this girl needs support, she needs proper and regular therapy, she needs a break from work. Go home and spend time with your son instead of drinking cheap wine alone in a bar? Also while we’re talking about drinking alone after work being all sad, can we touch on the fact that her mother was an alcoholic, and that was what *killed* her… this is incredibly worrisome and I doubt we’re ever going to touch on it/get it fleshed out like we should…

Okay we at least got some maria closure. Thank you.

OC time!

Jet *attempting* to control stabler, woof. At least someone’s trying loooll

This bitch is so dead

Part of me feels like its bullshit that se wouldn’t know any of this about her own brother, but also I never talk to my family so…. LOL.

Fuck he’s creepy as shit

There is NO WAY THAT TINY MAN IS THE SAME SIZE AS ELLIOT

The fact that it took THIS long for someone higher up to question his anger/trauma/etc affecting his job is wild.

THE BARTENDER IN ME IS FUCKING DYING. I had a PHYSICAL reaction to that conversation.

“you’ve never had a long island ice tea?!” “I don’t like ice tea it’s too bleh” guy promptly orders two to prove that theyre good? THERE IS NO ICED TEA IN LONG ISLANDS

Cragen’s really just gonna be in the last second of this episode isn’t he?

Everyone: proper ear pieces

Jet: nah. Air pod.

I really thought that stabler was gonna be missing for a like, a good chunk of time with no one knowing.

OHHHH right! The foil he found in the bathroom garbage and immediately licked… right… I forgot about that. Now the question is who it belongs to…..

[goremet-chef]

just found someone who makes monster hunter lego builds do NOT speak to me im. this. GRGRGRG

anyways heres some gifs i have of monsters cuz im in love with this series forever and always (super long ramble SFJKS ive been writing this for hours)

odogaron + ebony odo is like.... you dont understand. thats me i kin so many monsters from MH its insane like.. thats literally me nothing reflects me better LOOK AT THEM. rathalos, odogaron, nargacuga like any red scary thing i resonate with deep in my soul its insane

this one is one of my headmates favorites. shrieking legi really came thru when he was having a bad time and i love this for him. ITS JUST LIKE... so many of the monsters resonate with us on such personal levels, that its hard to even explain. i am selfish, and i do view monster hunter as my game (got that autism special) like these are my creatures they were made for me

REAL TALK THO, these two were genuinely actually made for me look at this shit

unknown (black flying wyvern) and valstrax my beloveds. fucking god tier

the fact that i already resonate with the rathalos so hard, and it turns out theres a black and red edgier cool version of it/????like are you insane when i discovered this thing i was. SO UNWELL IN MY CHANNEL ON DISCORD i literally rambled about it for AN HOUR STRAIGHT. then when i found out about valstrax i rambled about that one for an hour too SKFJS like wow they are so cool. autism is real

also have this one, xeno'jiiva is so. MHW was my first MH game (say what you will) and god damn. im gonna be real idk if id be so into it if it wasnt for MHW, cuz like.... the main appeal of the entire game series to me is the monsters themselves. like im. when i first started i was TOO SCARED TO FIGHT THE GREAT JAGRAS (yknow. the first large monster you fight 😭😭 like the 3rd quest. insane) because ive never been into fighting games and having something large PURSUE ME didnt sound pleasant

crazy that i went from being too scared to play it again to LITERALLY playing for 72 hours almost STRAIGHT with minimal pee and sleep breaks, and giving myself carpal fucking tunnel cuz i was just. obsessed. AUTISM IS REAL

went from couldnt stand 10 minutes of it to 400 hours in game SKFJSD

and i would do it again bitch!!!

so what im SAYING. alright. is that im not a fighter in games (well NOW i am, but before i super wasnt) but what drew me in was how i could just.. watch. how i could see all the big scary monsters sleep and eat and walk around and fight eachother. how i could get their tracks, listen to their sounds, ETC. like it was so. IT WAS THRILLING and ive never been more in love

like for context my first special interest is fnaf and i wouldnt be anything like myself if i never got into fnaf like life changing shit. but i gotta say, i mean. ive played the fnaf games and i love the story and EVERYTHING this is not a diss on my first home!!!! but i played MHW to the point of exhaustion, to where i needed to have an arm brace and even then despite the HORRIBLE PAIN in my wrist, i still kept playing

i played so much i literally managed to rub the s and w letters of my siblings keyboard KSJFSF like it was for real. i miss that, like a lot. i dont play as much anymore because i mean. i have it on my laptop. my laptop is a gaming laptop and it can run!! but its better for my

yknow i dont think i have an actual reason and im literally about to cry thinking about it SKFSFJ the good computer with the good graphics and running is my siblings and id need permission, yknow how it is. PLUS im a bit stuck? i need an urugaan ruby for my barioth mission lmao but ill get there

monster hunter world is so beautiful. the environments are fucking stunning, the visual upgrade for the monsters was INSANE and just watching them be animals? it brings me so much joy KSJSJSJ

one of my favorites is the rotten vale, which is funny cuz i remember the first time i ever went there i was so. PARANOID. i use sound with pretty much everything i play since my eyes might not track everything thats happening, so hearing the ambience for the vale freaked me out so much, i stayedat the camp for SO LONG and good thing too cuz the radobaan makes its way down that path and i was shook SKFJSF

also the big fucking dalamadur skeleton in the vale is so. UGHHHH

i love horror and rot and decay!!! its frightening its unsettling but even still the vale is such a necessary part of the ecosystem!!! like wow monsters come there to DIE? are youINSANE

(dalamadur is like one of the biggest monsters for reference. the whole upper part of the vale is made of its skeleton cuz its a big snake its so UGHHH)

also the???? STOMACH ACID POOL?

they were cooking bro,,,,, such a gorgeous and unsettling environment goddd

like GOD i cant think of anything better, the story for MHW is so good man. the tracker said "its an ecological marvel" and i took that personally (i repeat that so much about random shit its not even funny how long ive been doing that for)

or how like... any of the docile monsters (tobi kadachi, banbaro, kulu ya ku, ETC) i genuinely if i go on expedition, and i see theres a docile monster in one of the locales, ill go there and just follow them around the ENTIRE TIME SFKSFS

heres SEVERAL pics of me with banbaros at different times KSJFS

that isnt even all of them with JUST banbaro 💀💀💀 its my favorite activity

and sometimes i get hit with the banbaro / nightshade paolumu / coral pukei combo!!!! thats a triple docile whammy!!!!! thriving

also heres a cute viper tobi shot :] love viper tobi

also also i cant believe i never said anything yet but VAAL HAZAK??? my actual liege look at this mf

MY LORD!!! vaal is so fucking cool man. and the KICKER??? DOCILE

whenever i do this quest i do just follow it around for a while (which. ive had to do this quest A LOT cuz i thought i get vitality crystals from it (yknow cuz i got some from it) so i have probably 100% killed more vaal hazak than any of the other elder dragons SKFJSF

vaal hazak is so cool cuz its covered in rotten meat and uses the effluvium (corpse gas) as its like. life source. it pulls excess effluvium from the vale into itself and expels it when theres not enough, so its keeping the ecosystem tame its so cool UGHH

also one of its moves it plays dead its so fucked up itll fall over like you've knocked it over and then just lay there but you hear its inhale and it looks up and BLASTS YOU with its effluvia gas beam (WHICH. THAT THING HURTS!!!!!! for real the effluvium attack is so. plus it also halves yr health? like if vaal hits you with that shit itll give you miasma or whatever and it HALFS YR HEALTH BAR and you gotta eat a nulberry to negate it

im not one for switching shit around in my like item bar tho (MAINLY cuz most the time ive played MHW was with my siblings mouse and its scroll bare was broken so swapping items was hard) so i just put on like 3 effluvia resistance gems and it cant give me miasma. problem solved SKFSJF

i did get so tired of fighting it cuz yknw its a hard fight its an elder dragon, but i will say like the MUSIC? thats one of the things like. when we fought megan in the forest, they gave us battle music and THAT is why i kicked ass and abandoned all my fear, monster hunter instincts kicked in and i tanked alright like it was NOTHING, battle music just hits different

vaal hazak theme is so fucking good!!!! "keeper of hades" ARE YOU INSANE? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND????? i cant believe this shit!!!!!!!!

monster hunter stop being the coolest franchise ever challenge KSFJSF

i did do vaal hazak fight with no music before cuz i was trying to see and. THE MUSIC DOES SO MUCH? literally there was like no adrenaline without the music it was just. :| oh. im in the vale. thats the dragon. hes gonna breath attack. okay LIKE IT WAS SO LACK LUSTER IT WAS INSANE

i never realized how much the music did for fights but its so.. vital bro like it gets you in the fighting mood it compliments the monster and the area its !!!GRAAAAHHHH

monster hunter soundtrack is literally so fucking good. BANGERS back to back literally every song is so fucking cracked its epic

dont even get me STARTED on "proof of a hero" that song makes me stim so fucking hard man it makes me feel so fucking good. my sibling made his ringtone for me that song and AUGHHH crying sobbing

like yeah this is proof that im a hero!!! literally makes me feel so proud and FOR WHATTTT

idk im such a firm believer in the importance of sound design, sound design is EVERYTHINGGG and MH does such a good job with that shit, the monster roars and environmental ambience, audio cues to what attack is gonna happen, the music its all. perfect 10/10 godtier shit

anyways this is my monster hunter ramble, it most likely will happen again. love this game with all my heart

[selfundiagnosed]

everyone says theyre having prophecies with glaring discretion and elusiveness. sounds big and important. im just having sensory perceptions of something thats gonna happen to me or near me in about 30 minutes. like smelling a dead animal half a mile down the path im walking. I’ll find it if i walk for 45 more minutes if i dont have to stop and investigate the current surroundings for whatever dead thing is here. Its not here… YET. Youre just given a small warning to prime your gut. A lil heads up. Hey get ready for something that will upset you deeply. I feel like youre all having religious and profound revelations bestowed upon you saying “im having prophecies” meanwhile my nose ears skin and tongue time skip up to an hour to put the idea in my head that something deeply upsetting is gonna happen to me so it doesnt catch me sideways and abruptly ruin my day. wait maybe thats what youre all experiencjng too when you say youre having prophecies? it does kind of feel like youre responsible watching the seeds get sowed into the soil and not being able to dig them out. in a weird way i think i could understand them being deemed prophecies. But idk to me theyre visions not prophecies and I know theres no discerning discrepancies between those two words but to me they convey two different types of experiences. In MY head. Every word & its synonyms mean EXTREMELY specific things to me that seldom reflect the reality of the linguistic nuance and discussions around it LOL its like made up in my head. visions and prophecies and premonitions all mean distinctly different things TO ME!!! and probably no one else. idk. I dont have people i can talk to about these experiences. They happen so much but i know it sounds like im so mentally ill. i just wish it WAS in my head and it never happened but they always come true no matter what. But if it is a byproduct of my mental illness why is my mental illness predicting the future I just don’t understand its not like coincidences its a near-daily thing at this point its just rapidly gotten more and more frequent the more ive paid attention to the details. i know other people experience this shit and i firmly believe everyone is capable of this i just cant like backtrack anymore like it used to be once in a blue moon growing up every few months to every few weeks and the more experience i harbor as i grow up the more frequent theyve become i just never paid attention to it before i just thought oh wow 8th wonder of the world : human intuition and splicing past traumas to current circumstances but now its fucking freaky and idk how to find support groups for this shit. And IDK if its all jokey memey to you guys on tumblr and the prophetic visions and dreams posts are a joke or if it isnt AND impedes you guys to this degree idfk but i would like to find a forum or support group or some sort of confirmation that i am not like alone in this experience and what you think of it.. i just dont know if im experiencing mental illness (in which i’ll say: genuinely study the symptom of being a psychic and sensing the future ASAP because holy shit thats an insane mental illness symptom and could be used by the cia or something LOL) or if i can talk to someone older than me with more experience who deals with this too. i hate it sooo much either my anxieties command reality way too frequently or im predicting the future! thats not in my head dude! its ACTUALLY continuing to happen to me over and over and over. like i know my anxiety is misfiring crazier than it ever has in my life & thst im obsessing over colors and shapes and numbers but i just cant entertain the idea this is in my head when it happens to me every other day, almost every day. i just smell shit coming from a mile away, literally & figuratively lol

[magnoliamyrrh]

and another thing that chronic pain brings that i find is less talked about and that people without chronic pain can't wrap their head around, is the emotional pain and just straight up despair of feeling like your body is useless, knowing you'll never be able to do the things you want to that "normal" people can do.

^^^^^ Exactly

especially when it hits you when youre young. even if and when you manage to get used to the pain itself (tho even "getting used to it" takes a prepetual toll) theres still always that part of it too. of feeling trapped in a body that seems so weak and fragile, and there being things you want to do that you used to be able to at some point, or dreamed of being able to do that you just.... have to accept you either cant, or that if you do them theyre going to make you exponentially worse....... it feels like being forced to miss out on so many things, and its so damn hard and mentally draining and scary and,,,,yea,, a lot of dispair hits you. its hard to accept

i always lose it when i realize how much i can't rly do anymore. even when i had chronic pain some years back and my joints were going to shit, id still push myself and walk for hours upon hours almost every day, it was relaxing and one of my favourite things to do.... now there are many times when walking for 30-40 minutes a day or several times a week feels like it absolutely cripples me. such seeminly low effort things take it out of me for days on end.... i cant play guitar anymore because my hands cant handle it. when my pain was worse, thank god its better now, i couldn't draw anymore... theres so many hobbies i wanted to try, but cant because some part of my body wouldnt handle it. many times ive been too dizzy or exhausted to cook, despite it being one of my favourite things to do.... i had an entire weeks-long mental breakdown and spiraled horribly when i realized i couldnt really ski anymore, despite being very, very good at it. id rather die than think i could never ride horses again, but i know there is a high chance doing so will ruin my hips...... the list is fucking endless

it feels like some sort of nightmare you just cant seem to wake up from. past a point damned be the pain, but realizing your body just cant handle or do shit or doesnt have the strengh, or that the pain is just too sharp, its just... fucking horrible.... it almost breaks you more than the pain itself past a point. and idk personally its been a nightmare for me to see how fast a lot of my health issues have progressed. i was certain i wouldnt be as bad as i am now until i was in my 30s.... but in just a few years, its gotten so much fucking worse

..... its one of those things that i guess you cant do nothing about but accept...? and try to make the best out of??? because getting endlessly upset about it doesnt help, and being upset only feeds the chronic pain. but its very hard, especially when daily things in your life constantly remind you. i still havent been able to figure out some sort of way or mindset to do that at all

i assume from this ask you also struggle with this? im very sorry ❤️🧡❤️ it truly is a lot to handle to say the least. thank u for this ask tho, helps to feel less alone, and if u ever need to vent to someone who gets it ur more than welcome to 🌸 i hope this week will be easier on you and that youll feel a little bit better, and i hope with time you'll maybe be able to find some things which make it easier to bare. god knows what the chances are, but maybe with all the science nowadays well both have the insane luck for some cure or actual treatment, as far fetched as that seems at times

[zennialemo]

I posted 2,065 times in 2022

That's 976 more posts than 2021!

45 posts created (2%)

2,020 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@killerandhealerqueen

@w00dchips

@evil-moonlight

@scallioncreamcheesebagel

@desultory-suggestions

I tagged 868 of my posts in 2022

#lmao - 41 posts

#beyond evil - 36 posts

#queer - 16 posts

#under the skin - 15 posts

#kpop - 14 posts

#aromantic - 12 posts

#asexual - 12 posts

#bts - 12 posts

#bad buddy - 10 posts

#spotify - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#but this is interesting to me because ive been seeing lots of heavy black and white discourse on concrit lately...

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I opened up a soulmate AU that I started in April for Under the Skin. It was in the same folder as the one I recently posted. Its been two days of reading it and rereading it and wishing it had an end. And now I want to finish it. But it's like insanely large in terms of plot. It's a Soulmate AU with political corruption and murder and secrets. Shits not fluffy... well not for the most part. And im overwhelmed by the scale of it. It needs dedication and time and maybe even an overhaul...

But I love it 🥲. So let's see if I can finish it. If not, whatever (she says, not feeling 'whatever' about it at all). Maybe I can break it up into a series if it's really too much...

10 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

My whole therapized life has been a back and forth of "do they don't they" over whether or not I have BPD or bipolar II.

And I have always been like "nah I don't get manic". Mind you I wasn't thinking hypomanic, I was thinking my aunt when she goes off her meds and thinks she can fly and that people are following her. So I was like "never, never" about mania. But I wasn't considering the times when I write 10,000 words in 24 hours with no sleep and then hyperfixate on plot for the next 5 days, or when I do 1 million tasks in 4 days on 4 hours of sleep and almost no food. I thought those were just good times. That's not to mention the spending. Dear lord the spending. But I never felt... like I could fly. I just felt like I was hot shit. So. I always was like yeah not me *shrug*.

All this said, I definitely *do* fit the criteria of "high functioning" or "quiet" BPD, too. My mood in one day is the picture of instability. I have no sense of self. I fear abandonment, etc. I don't look stereotypical BPD because I internalize everything. I rarely snap or take my feelings out on people, when I split I take it out on myself. Etc. So. "Quiet" BPD fits.

But so does Bipolar II with rapid cycling. I just dropped so bad for 2 weeks I ended up in the ER and then swung up so high I spent more than I should have on clothes and gifts and cards for others, slept very little, and packed an insane amount for my upcoming move despite my disability screaming at me with pain and exhaustion to slow down. I am now starting a mood stabilizer and my mental health team is thinking maybe a dual diagnosis of BPD and Bipolar II. I laughed because all these years of back and forth from my healthcare providers for the current team to look at one another and say "how about both?"

How about both, indeed.

The (constant, but now extra pressing) problem is I have ME, or more colloquially CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and hypomanic energy and lack of sleep for 4.5 days = super awful hellish PEM. Think of PEM like crashing into a ditch where you can barely leave bed, maybe like me you're in pain and light sensitive and it feels like you've got Mono all over again... anyway. Its really awful. Terrible. Im so drained I can barely talk. Thank the moon and stars I don't have therapy today.

But yall, I'm suffering. PEM so bad my legs are trembling. Time to lay in bed for the next three days and try to rest up... 🥲

11 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

#3

Rewatching Bad Buddy with my sister, who's seeing it for the first time. I'm in my feels y'all. This show was everything. Wholesome and full of feelings and real communication in the face of adversity. My queer heart is full 🥺.

15 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

#2

16 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I just watched the first episode of Koisenu Futari, and I’m crying. I’m asexual, and I think I might be somewhere on the aromantic scale too and I had no idea until I watched this and things just.. clicked. I went through and am still living through an extremely painful and difficult breakup where “everything was right” on paper, but I just couldn’t meet him where he was at. And the sentence always ended there but the truth of the matter is, I just couldn’t meet him where he was at...romantically. I never could. It killed me. Kills me. There are other things too, other things about me I’ve been noticing recently and this revelation is like breathing air for the first time in months - maybe there’s nothing wrong with me.  This show made me feel so seen. Seen in ways I didn’t even know I needed to be. And even if it hadn’t made me realize I’m probably arospec, I think it still would have touched me just as much as an ace person, but also just on a humanity level it’s beautiful. I call myself a writer but right now the words kind of escape me. I just feel so validated and seen, and it hurts and it’s wonderful all at the same time. 

17 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

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