#these last few weeks sucked so bad
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Feeling like garbage, I should try and sleep
#I should stay off social media when it’s 2am and I feel like shit#yet here I am#happy new year I guess#it’s been a fucked year and I’m not optimistic#these last few weeks sucked so bad#I wish is wasn’t so angry all the time#but my family has been making it easy to get pissed of at every little thing#I’m sick of pretending I’m the ‘normal one’#while all my siblings get to fuck up#and not have to worry about the consequences#and I have to be all mature and deal if it#bc I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs like my sisters#treating me like ass and I’m too much of a push over to say no#they owe me so much money#and I can’t even be bothered asking them to pay it back#bc I know the answer#I’m so fucking sick of it#I just wanna get away from it all#it’s too much#I feel like I’m dying and no one gives a shit to even notice#bc I’m the ‘normal functioning one’ and I do what I’m told#and I’m not allowed to have problems#and I don’t complain#and I fucking hate it#dont||rb
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oh so now the birds are eating the <25 cherries i've got growing on my tiny tree
literally everything i've planted in this fucking garden has either died on its own or has been killed by birds/bugs
#my garden is a microcosm of my whole life right now#my life has been on a downward spiral since last july and bestie i am starting to reach my fucking limit#defaulting to thinking ''i wish i were dead'' at every little inconvenience is BAD!!!! i know!!!! but it's true!!!#the mint from trader joe's was infested with aphids and i've been cleaning it off every day for 2 weeks and it's STILL got them#like... this plant is 1 foot tall with two little stalks and less than 30 leaves. it hasn't grown in the 2 months i've had it#the money plant still reeks of mold and has to live outside because of its smell and the fungus gnats#the golden sage just fuckin.... burned to death????? it turned gray and DIED#the one and only bean plant that sprouted just ejected the only 2 true leaves it bothered growing#the originally robust blackberry cane is withering. the other two did get better but started from the ground up. there's 1 blackberry total#the rosemary hasn't gotten any bigger in the 3 months i've had it#the scotch brooms don't look so good. the salvia haven't gotten any bigger in 3 months and the creeping phlox bleached and died#the thyme is doing okay and the culinary sage is hanging in there but i don't have high hopes#not a single fucking wildflower sprouted in the yard. i used 2 bags of seed+mulch that was supposed to cover 600sq ft (the yard is 400)#the mourning doves ate a bunch of the seeds and the rest never sprouted#there's a few puny sunflower sprouts but the cottontail came and ate some of those leaves#the cottontail also ate an entire stalk of the potted mystery flowers#the huge plant i moved in November... the one that surprisingly survived frost/freeze... can't handle the heat and is now dead#i just...#the job market is awful. the salaries are worse. the neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere and inhabited by paranoid cops#everyone has big dogs who go apeshit when they hear ppl walking#and the fences are short and the dogs are big so i'm scared to go walking because EVERY. DAY. on the nextdoor app are people#announcing that they found a dog wandering the neighborhood. or ppl saying ''omgggg my dog got out of the yard! have u seen it?''#spring was all wind/gusty and it battered the blackberries and sucked all the moisture out of the yard#so the 2 tons of compost that we rototilled into the dirt? it's just dust now. there's nothing living in that soil#and now summer is here and it's too hot and these plants don't have a chance#i hate everything
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I have developed laryngitis and so can't bloody talk for the next few days. worst fate on earth for an extremely talkative person
#I also can't work if I can't talk? so I'll need to either take sick leave or just not get the pay#which sucks ass man!! esp since I already used a few hours of sick leave last week when I had a cold#shit man. bad timing
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always fun to remind myself of the side effects of my thyroid meds
#the first time i treated my thyroid my endo was like ‘i havent had a patient who had this happen for a while so im due for one’ THANKS MAN#personal#im just waiting for it to hurry up and work. my health has PLUMMETED in the last week or so#im so sick and i can’t DO ANYTHING. including SLEEP. even if i was getting enough good sleep i was be exhausted but i’m not so.#the energy’s doing Great#and i’m so hungry all the time but also nauseous so all food is unappealing#genuinely have no idea how i made it through years 7-10 undiagnosed. no wonder i ended up with such a severe phobia of going to bed????????#i don’t have to worry about routine right now so it’s not as stressful (just horrible because i’m so tired) but i COULDNT SLEEP back then#im just relieved that this time it was found through a routine check rather than me getting a test because of symptoms#usually i test when my anxiety gets really bad in a specific way#but my anxiety isn’t bad this time. no panic attacks and also no migraines. those are all usually the worst to deal with#so comparatively this isn’t even a particularly bad episode?/relapse?/flare?#still more sick than i’ve been in……..years?#im not sure if covid was better or worse. but it was only really bad for a week#this’ll be worse overall because it’ll last a lot longer#hopefully only a month or two but that’s still a few months of my life that just vanish. cool!!!!!!!!!!!#and there wasn’t even a notable event to trigger it this time. first time was whooping cough and subsequent times have been things like—#starting uni and then the last 2 years of uni where i took 10 units in one year then overworked myself doing my thesis#im SLIGHTLY worried that maybe i’ve developed rheumatoid arthritis and that set it off because it’s also autoimmune#i should see my gp soon to get a general antibody test. my joint have been so bad it’s been hard to walk for quite a few months#idk man it all sucks. but for now at least i have my white blood cells (even if they’re literally the problem lmao)
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Wuh oh... I just managed to free hand doodle Siff... Yaknow what that means (I might just be able to draw them--)
#aria rants#mom bought me new pens and as i was bored writing some fic drafts (the morgana and kaito one) i noticed that the ink#is a lot thinner and less inky than my previous pen so i was like: ''wonder if i can doodle smth with this''#but then at the same time im like... rlly Really bad with traditional art so i wasnt rlly hoping for much. but then i somehow...#managed to properly doodle siffrin's face. cant show it cuz its hella messy and i practically doodled over my writing but i--#i somehow??? managed to properly doodle a character's face in a way that theyre still recognizable??? i never could do smth#like that. is cuz i suck ass with traditional art and didnt have much motivation yet to practice but somehow i managed#i think my doodles from last time somehow??? HELPED??? (i doodled a lot of dresses a few weeks ago to figure out my oc's dress design)#it was like basic shapes of practically just the dress. no limbs or head or anything (well there was the neck tbf ) but i think it helped??
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#well. I think I've decided I won't take the antidepressant that I take to be able to fall asleep anymore#took it again last night and I just. don't like it.#feels bad.#slept very very badly#everything was just bad#also slept for like 14 hours again and I don't like it#plus I didn't have any trouble falling asleep (lol.) the few days where I forgot to take it#and I've already got the brain zaps from forgetting to take it for three days anyway#so. yeah. we will see if I can't sleep again in like a week :)#(mainly decided that because I woke up with such a horrible headache again. no idea if it's from the medication of course but ugh it#sucks and I just hate everything rn)#personal
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not to complain but my job has been so sucks lately like i love being on the water and working on boats but i know nothing about keelboats (cuz i didn’t grow up sailing bro!) and everyone treats me like an idiot baby for it. like you hired me because NO ONE ELSE WOULD WORK FOR YOU there are literally 3 of us without me you wouldn’t be able to do half this shit. and i may not know works but i haul shit around all day and drive the giant ass truck i’m not useless. AND LIKE. i do know a lot like i fucking fly planes sorry i don’t know how to work boats but you’re not TWACHING ME!!! i could be working a job where i was appreciated for my experience but i wanted to learn how to do this even though it’s a challenge. so stop being such assholes. GOD!! i’m about to work as a camp counselor for 2 weeks which i’m looking forward to cuz at least i’ll be doing something i’m good at and won’t be treated like an idiot baby. ugh
#sorryyyyyy the last few weeks have sucked at work. like i love it i just feel so fucking dumb#and i have the worlds worst fucking complex about being condescended to#when i think people are remotely condescending to me i get so angry like i’ve said some bad stuff#because i’m the babiest sibling and was always babied AND working at the airport that i loved#but man people hated having a 16 year old around they were so awful to me it did lasting damage#I HATE THIS WORLD#okay i’m almost out
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“everyone hates me” is truly the least helpful thought pattern of all time because you can’t talk about it because it’s a weird and uncomfortable thing to hear expressed. like then you’re putting people in a position where they feel obliged to say “well i don’t hate you” (genuine or not who knows). and when you let it go unexpressed then everybody still feels weird because you are giving off the weird Everyone Hate Me vibes. truly awful. anyway. i think everyone hates me. everyone at my job at least. due to how i suck
#this sucks sooo bad i was feeling so good about my job these last few weeks and then i fucked it all up by taking a sick day i probably didn#t need
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bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick
#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬#i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something#and i can't call out because our time is so restricted#and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around#esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to#added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway#and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened#ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day#and then im off again#and then im on one more day before im back off again#so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least#after being off the last three days#(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks -#the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after#how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard#tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out -#third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day.#but with less coughing until now bc im laying down)#i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭#sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired
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oh my god everything makes sense now
#ive had so much troubke sleeping for the last like. 3 weeks. like i havent been getting more than 4 hrs of sleep most nights#and its SUCKED so bad and ive had the worst dreams ever like#its either mind empty blank 0 dreams whatsoever (<< which ive learned also sucks! feels bad and empty in the morning)#or like..trauma nightmares. like im back in high school type nightmares. and a few work stress dreams sprinked in for flavor#lkke this has been. An Issue.#I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY. AND I FEEL SO STUPID#ITS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE LOKI LIVING WITH ME ANYMORE.#im at my parents house for the weekend and . got here at like 8pm last night.#laid on the couch. loki jumped up on thr couch with me to cuddle#and ive always said hes so good at this bc hes warm and he lays on top of me so hes like a weighted blanket#and i cant move my arms to look at my phone or anything so its SO easy to fall asleep w loki cuddles#AT 9PM I FELL ASLEEP. i havent gone to sleep before midnight in like 2 months.#and when i had 2 get up to move to the guest bed he followed me.#and i just woke up from a nightmare and he was on the other side of the bed so i reached my hand out 2 pet him#and he laid his little chin on my hand and oh my god everything makes so much sense now.#ive always kind of half joked abt loki being an esa. because im like. he is. but not officially#hes never been trained for it and we dont have like. documentation for it bc ive never been officially diagnosed for anything (hell world)#so i feel bad calling him that bc it feels like im. disrespecting people that Actually Need esas#(<< coming from.a guy who Actually Needs An ESA Apparently.) what the fuck#head in hands. everything makes so much sense now#and normally id go all science brain on this like oh it was just one night iwas probably just too tired i need more evidence to be sure#but like. i have loterally not slept this well in a month and a half.#I have not gonento sleep before midnight in AT.LEAST the last two weeks. CONSISTENTLY .#head in habds.
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i turn 21 on monday and i just know im not going to enjoy this weekend at all...
#BIG vent in tags#the last two months have been honestly some of the worst of my life i am always always thinking about this rly shitty thing happened#and now i have to go home for my birthday weekend which i know i should be happy about and it is a good thing#but i just really dont want to go and i feel like a bad person for feeling that way#im doing better than someone i know and i need to go home and be there for them#i wanted to be in my apartment and relax with my friends#ive had 4 midterms this week and i am just exhausted with everything#and its not like it being my brithday will make my weekend bc thats literally impossible#and i feel so shitty about feeling this way bc im not the one who needs help right now and my bday shouldnt even be a priority in my family#bc we have bigger problems rn#but i still wish it was better. plus today sucked#i just am always awkward with people and i wish i was better at social stuff and ive felt rly lonely bc i only hve a few good friends#and trying to make friends is so impossible bc it seems like i keep doing the wrong thing and not being able to vibe with people#rn im just thankful for labs bc having constant lab partners are the only social interactions i get in almost all my classes#this girls would sit next to me in genetics and we would talk but i hvent seen them in a few weeks and i dont know their names#and im not great with faces so i cant even go up to them if i see them and i wouldnt even know what to say if i did#i see the same people in my classes but im sure they think im weird bc ive never talked with them but i always accidentally make eye contac#and one girl in 4/5 of my classes i sometimes talk with but i dont even know if she likes me and i acciendetnally made eye contact with her#while waiting for a lecture to start but then made no attemot to talk to her bc i thought itd be awkward and she probably thought i was#ignoring her#its just this week. its been so so shitty i dont know how to change thus
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you may be wondering how much time is tumblr user bazpitch spending on here? why are they always on my dash? and the answer is a lot. because i am dealing with the most terrible group project ever
#like wish me luck its rly bad#im rly rly good w group projects usually#i actually enjoy them#i dont mind being bossy or pushy#and i think im good at doing it in a way where it isnt rude#but these people suck#one like is really bad at stuff#its like hes never taken a class on the thing we r doing ever#abd this is an advanced class so hes taken#four classes at the least already on this#its like walking into a calculus class wihtout knowing how to count#and the other guy is so condescending#and flaky AND stupid#mansplains stuff to me#despite not knowing anything and all of his work being wrong#which he can't fix bc he keeps disappearing#have a test i didnt study for bc of this#asked for an extension but we get one test dropped so i think#the prof will say no#so i will not be able to relax the last few weeks of that clas#AND i had to ask for an extension on this project onvi#and idk what the prof will do#rhis is 35 percent of our grade and im so worried#i thought it wld bring it up#i fucking hate this shit#i rly dislike the subject so#a b is fine. im being annoying for wanting an a#but...#im just in awe rn bc this is absurd#ive never dealt w more incapable people in my life
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It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anxiety run amok. Tried to distract myself by playing through Super Mario Bros, but I’ll be honest, that was stressing me out pretty bad trying to get through some of those levels. Unrelated but coincidentally (tangentially?), after an intense bit of playing, my anxiety flared up majorly. Heart racing, skin painfully prickled, lungs failing me. Oh well. That’s what drugs are for. So instead I started Death Stranding, which my little brother gifted me for Christmas a couple of years back but I just never got around to committing to. Much better choice. It feels like the perfect distraction for me right now. Frankly, I’m lonely. I feel cut off from the world. I’m scared and anxious and I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it feels bleak. So it’s nice to pop into this little world where you’re trying to make connections and explore the world, even if it is just a video game. It’s giving me something positive to focus on right now.
I just thought I’d make a text post. Mention a game I like. Just folded some laundry, I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal right now, and I’ll do some dishes when I’m done. Trying to keep on moving forward. More bullshit in the tags.
#my anxiety has cleared up quite a bit these past few days#but now I’m trying to go without klonopin so we’ll see how that lasts#and I have an audiologist appointment tomorrow so that might be a big source of depression and anxiety#can’t wait to roll in there at 8:30 in the morning just to be told AGAIN that my hearing is just fucked and can’t be helped#which… is what I expect… I just wish there was more… empathy? sympathy? something soothing behind their words.#I also finally scheduled a therapy appointment but it’s not for a couple of weeks 😕#taking care of yourself sucks!#anyway things are okay right now right here in this moment. I’ll deal with the rest as it comes I suppose#I was getting way too serious with super mario#I play on a snes mini and even with custom save states I was getting too stressed out. it was bad for my health.#which sounds like an over exaggeration but it just wasn’t fun after awhile#but Death Stranding is awesome. even just the walking parts I love#I love seeing other players’ contributions to the world. all the random signs and structures they put up.#I don’t know what else to add to all of this#I really thought I’d have more exciting tags than this#this isn’t important#you can ignore this#text
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Getting a fever and feeling sick the day before the first day of classes… Awesome 😶
#it’s not covid at least but ugh#the last few weeks have sucked so bad#wisdom teeth recovery first#boyfriend left the country for the next four months#three papers rejected by the undergrad research journal#my grandfather passed away#and now i’m sick right before the semester and might miss part of the first week of class#all just back to back#universe isn’t being nice to me lately
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omg hey hotties 😭😭 im back !
#sooooooooooooo anyways not me dropping off the face of the earth for like the entire summer vwkqmqjdhsowjwjwjenkwhwk#just had to die for a little bit u know....disappear into the abyss and all that#pls look away from all the shit im abt to throw into these tags 😁 unless u want 2 read my cringe oversharing essay for the day 👍#my summer was so silly 😍 ummmmm lets see i lost my fulltime job at the daycare bc the owner very rightfully decided to retire and close#so i was unemployed for the whole summer except for my occasional side jobs and also had to move bc of family shit#so im living w my grandma for the time being and its utterly amazing tbh my grandma and i have a really strong bond and relationship#and i really love getting to come home and see her every day. i decorated her house for halloween a week ago 🎃🎃🎃#and she couldnt stop talking abt how nice everything looked and how glad she was to have me there and i just abt broke down 😭😭😭#i did a complete fucking 180 jobwise im actually training to be a certified fire alarm inspector now LMFAO#i really really like it so far and have like a million stories already abt all the shit ive done/seen so far#im the only girl looking son of a bitch thats working and training in the field out of my entire region of the company so 🤪#literally shoved my dykey nb ass in there and now im fucking it up with the boys heyoooooo#ummm me and one of my best friends started dating bc of a miscommunication (BC OFC WE DID I KNOW I KNOW ITS SO MF GAY)#and our 4 mo anniversary will be on halloween which i think is the swaggiest fag shit in the whole WORLLLDDDDDDDD 😫🎃🖤🧡#my very beloved pet rabbit of over 8 years died quite unexpectedly in august and i was. doing pretty bad for awhile which sucked so so hard#he had multiple health issues and was over 10 yrs old so its hard to say what exactly happened. my gf and gma both pulled me thru that shit#and my besties gave me so much support and love idek what i would have done w/o them. i miss my baby so bad.#ive also had some health issues which sucks absolute BALLS#and recently figured out that the migraine/anti depressant meds ive been on for the last THREE MF YEARS have been fucking up my body lmao#but on the flipside going back 2 the positives i got to have some really incredible experiences/interactions in the past few months#and those were really huge in helping me get my shit together again#i got to take my girlboygirlfriend on little daytrips throughout the summer. i got a second tat🕷🕸❣️ (which my gf designed 😫)#i met girl queen pussy slay miss felicia day AND met the sexiest creature alive harvey guillen and he told me he liked my hair#which im still super duper normal over i can assure u 😁👍 definitely didnt alter my brain chemistry or anything#i saw gods greatest and most valuable gift to this planet on monday (mcr concert)#and had my entire mind body heart and soul so thouroughly fucked up that im still peeing my goddamn pants over it#and of course now its october :) my rotting flesh and sickened brain knows peace once more#bouta go eat up some drawtober posts right the fuck now so prepare yourselves 👁👁 also gonna be making a post on the coc blog soon as well#its already that time of year again mwhahahahahahahahahaha#so yeah 😋 my summer was goofy and silly as hell. i hope u all have been doing okay and im so happy 2 be back pls hmu if u wanna chat !!!
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COVID FREE LADS WE STAY WINNING
#god the last few days have been so bad#i still have a cough and hard time breathing but i’m not contagious so i’ll take it#if i feel bad it’s whatever i just don’t want to get anyone else sick#and i’ve quarentined properly but i had things to do this week so i’m glad i can now#good grief#thankfully it wasn’t as bad as i thought— i got a minor varient#but it still fucking SUCKED
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