#I should stay off social media when it’s 2am and I feel like shit

[fae-punkk]

Feeling like garbage, I should try and sleep

[fairytheo]

enhypen as your boyfriend.

boyfriend!enhypen x gen!reader. fluff. 1.9k. curse words. mention of bugs, food. not requested.

🐈 ⸝⸝ HEESEUNG ˙𐃷˙

super-duper caring !!

he’s so whipped for you — he smiles just by thinking about you

also very giggly around you

LOVES lending you his beanies

(aka. you stealing them..)

+ you steal his earrings as well ! not that he minds

absolutely adores singing for you / he loves singing you to sleep :D

hold up, is being heeseung’s s/o just being his personal ramen cook 🤨🤨

he aaalwaays bugs you to play games with him (especially wii and nintendo switch lmao)

either that or you’re playing animal crossing while eating takeout at your dinner table

you’re the only person in the world who he’ll ever do aegyo for. 

he secretly enjoys it, but shhh you didn’t hear that from me

i think he likes calling you names like cutie, cutiepie or just a shorter version of your name <3 (if there is one !)

booping your nose is on his everyday to do list ☝️

lowkey therapist & boyfriend in one ngl

WAIT he loves making playlists for you two,, 

“y/n! i made another playlist, do you wanna listen to it? i made it while thinking of you.” <//3 

the type to write cheesy lyrics about you, then later cringes at his own writing bUT then leaves it like that because you like it !

you have his cover of lauv’s “i’m so tired” either set as your alarm or play it on loop everyday 

(random but for some reason i can picture him giving you a cassette with his cover on it just for the vintage vibes)

🐈 ⸝⸝ JAY ˙𐃷˙

the mom-and-boyfriend in one ;] 

f a s h i o n  c o u p l e 

you are literally fashion icons. no disagreements. 

you have matching clothes or accessories ! even if it’s really subtle, the gesture behind it is super adorable <//3

cooking pt. 2 :D but this time there’s a gorden ramsay in your relationship

i can just SEE how you both two impersonate gorden ramsay while cooking which makes everything 10 times funnier !! checks every 5 seconds if the food is ready tho because he doesn’t wanna risk anything

never cleans up afterwards, either you do or no one does

since you’re both fashion icons your social media followers are going 📈📈📈

literally couple goals.

he loves taking pictures of you,, but also wants you to take pictures of him 

jay gets flustered easily so please make him flustered with sudden compliments, hugs, kisses, etc. !!

he’s also the only member i can really see calling you babe

confident but shy about pda at the same time ??? he’s both LOL 

you always tease him with his RAS moments and randomly quote them when you’re in the middle of a conversation with him lmao

random and idk if this fits here, but he likes making your lunch — leaves you encouraging notes too <3

last but not least: jokingly gets angry at you when he wants something from you, and you do the same thing back ♡

🐈 ⸝⸝ JAKE ˙𐃷˙

sweetest and softest boyfriend to ever exist. i’m so soft for him JSHSHS

definitely calls you sweetie and darling. 100%. fight me if you think otherwise. 

shows you pics of layla everyday (it’s become routine for him >_<)

a tiny bit cliché BUT lends you his jacket whenever you’re cold (even when you’re inside !!)

random thought: jake puts his hands in your hoodie pockets...

💔💔💔

it’s his personal goal to peck your cheek and forehead at least twice a day — gets pouty if he wasn’t able to do that ))):::

talks in english a lot because you love his accent !!

if you’re an english speaker, you’ll have conversations in english all. the. time.

if you’re not an english speaker, no worries, he’ll teach you !

+ reads you bedtime stories in english (jake’s australian accent >>>) 

dreams of travelling with you to australia <33  

if there’s a bug in the house you better know that jake will NOT be removing them and runs out of the house

WILL stay over at one of the other member’s houses untill that bug is REMOVED . 

so if you’re afraid of bugs as well,,, i’m sorry bae, but it’ll be your task to remove these little... creatures 😐

ngl you have more photos of layla than of him on your phone lol

(spams you with her pictures and captions them with “y/n!!! look!!! layla with a flower!!!! layla with a butterfly!!!!” it’s just so sweet aaa)

we need some “””drama””” so you make jokes about him being a “🥶💸🔥💪” boy a lot in your relationship LMAO

🐈 ⸝⸝ SUNGHOON ˙𐃷˙

ice skating dates.

this has been mentioned in other headcanons a lot already but i just HAD to include it,,

convinces you to eat ice cream after your date LOL even if it IS winter

btw. fashion couple nr. 2 !!! 

MIRROR SELCAS

MIRROR SELCAS 

ugh the visuals and the power you two hold,,,, i can’t,,,,,

has better clothes than you ngl so you share clothes lmao

it started with him lending you his sweatpants, but then you didn’t want to return them forgot to return them and BOOM 💥 here we are

extremely awkward and shy at first — don’t worry though, he becomes much more chaotic in the later phases of your relationship

he teases you SO MUCH. LIKE. SO MUCH.

always has small smile (smirk?) on his face when he’s about to make a cocky remark (so beware)

you tease him back just twice as hard which 1.) results in him in becoming flustered 2.) fails LOL

off-topic but he’d love a s/o that has a similar style to him ??? a more elegant, classy, dark style perhaps

when he’s away / busy he’ll send you some selcas and captions them with “how r u doing??” “did you eat yet?” “cheer up :P” 

kinda shy about pda but likes showing off too ???

i mean,, men... 🙄🙄 /lh

whenever someone mentions your name near him, he’ll just try to hide his smile while biting his lip (yk what i’m talking about???) and you’ll see his dimples and the affectionate look in his eyes and just AAAAA

the type of boyfriend that calls you love~

🐈 ⸝⸝ SUNOO ˙𐃷˙

skin care routines with sunoo 24/7 🤝

he does your hair (if your hair is long enough to do different hairstyles with it ofc !!) 

send you daily weekly skin care products he thinks you two should try out / that’d be good for your skin <3

spa nights every friday at 9pm — he only lets you in if you wear a stylish pyjama LOL

you buy him peach items because they just remind you so much of him (｡•́︿•̀｡)

SELCA TIME !!! his phone is always ready !!! (apart from his storage maybe?)

PARTICIPATES IN SELCA DAYS OF YOUR FAVOURITE IDOLS AAA

loves to go on walks w u

does A LOT of aegyo,, 

and i know that you knew that this point will be in this headcanon.

for eg. instead of saying goodnight or bye he’ll just do aegyo for you not that anyone minds tbh

stages of sunoo flirting (?):

a — tries to compliment you (it sounds more like a flirty remark tbh)

b — realizes then blushes

c — cringes and runs away LMAO

playfully acts jealous, so you know it’s a joke but deep down he’s actually jealous

you two match each others vibes a lot — if one is sad, the other is sad as well

+ tells you your posture is bad when you sit like a banana or tells you to go to sleep early and when you don’t listen to him, he’ll show you an article that proves that (abc) and (xyz) is bad for you and says “i told you so.” 💀

🐈 ⸝⸝ JUNGWON ˙𐃷˙

impresses you by doing kicks (does the kick cap challenge on tiktok and/or you play kick it by nct 127 for the funzies) 

poking his dimple is a MUST . 😩😩

though gets super shy when you kiss him and also if you buy him gifts !!

cheers you up whenever you feel down or are upset

compliments you a ton ))): will randomly come up to you and tell you that your fit is cute or that you look brighter today,,, little does he know it's because of him ;]

HUGS!HUGS!HUGS

poking his dimple comes first, then hugging

the other members tease you two everytime you’re over LOL it’s like there are two koalas clinging onto each other

our yang garden gained another sheep +1

you two randomly play sheep,,,, like,,, everyday ???? sheep cosplays 👍

idk why ig it’s just fun to imitate sheep and go “mmmeEeEeeEhh” to annoy others

talking of that, even THOUGH he is a responsible leader he will not hesitate to do stupid shit with you

“hey how about we ring on that house there and yell “sheep for sale!” do you think they’ll open the door?”

“i don’t know... let’s find out!” 🤝

let’s just say that this didn’t end well..

also kinda bullies you (in a loving way ofc !!) pand teases you nonstop

either calls you asshole or love aHA

in conclusion: a very unpredictable relationship,, would 10/10 recommend.

very random but i feel like his love language is acts of service

🐈 ⸝⸝ NI-KI ˙𐃷˙

oh look it’s our tsundere 😼

can’t go a day without dancing so you two have vibing sessions at 2am everyday ft. the others telling you to go to bed

you’re the only one that can make him soft lol

if you’re older than him, you would definitely take care of him like your own baby !! 

if you are the same age as him or younger it’d be awkward for him at first, because he isn’t used to taking care of someone younger, so he’d treat you as if you were his best friend at the beginning

you love to watch him dance !! it’s so satisfying,, LITERAL asmr.

pranks you 24/7. boy has NO mercy. will not care if the others will scold him later. he will do the prank smoothly (?) — doesn’t care about the consequences LMAO

probably sets your alarm to someone screaming or a cringy aegyo song <//3

wants to film dance covers with you !! you don’t have to be the best dancer either !! as long as you have fun ^__^ 

the other members find you really cute but are also vERY TIRED OF YOU,, two energized teens in a relationship was not a good idea ☝️

likes to randomly hold your hand and swing it around 

probably distant at the beginning of the relationship because a.) he doesn’t want to pressure you/make things awkward b.) he doesn’t really know what to do either ???

(if you’re not japanese or don’t know how to speak japanese) he’ll definitely teach you some japanese phrases and words !! introduce you to his culture as well :DD and he really wants to know more about your culture too <3

teaches you phrases like “sunoo is a dumbass” for the funzies LOL

randomly makes micheal jackson impressions,,, it’s hilarious LMFAO

[lola-andheruniverse]

Sharing this because maybe another fellow caryler feels the same way:

I allowed myself to read a Caryl fanfic (The Girl Next Door by That1VT on 9L) that was opened on my browser since the "caryl spin-off is now a ride with zombies spin-off" news broke all of our hearts. I tried to stay away from any caryl content, fanom or canon , because it hurt too much thinking how MMB got screwed over. But yesterday with the last SDCC and all I just said to myself "fuck this, I won't let AMC wrongdoings steal anymore of the love I have for this story". And so I stayed up to 2am reading my fanfic. And it was amazing, to say the least. I felt happy to be immersed on my caryl love again.

And I realized that (just like with Harry Potter and JK) Carol and Daryl are MINE. I've watched them for years, I suffered with them, I laughed with them, I hoped and prayed for their happiness for a decade. I don't care if they are fictional characters and are copyrighted to AMC, SG, whoever else. I love and cherish them as real people. All I feel about them is pretty real. So they're mine! As a fan, I'm entitled to them. I am allowed to enjoy them as I see fit and I don't want to miss them anymore or feel bad when I see a gifset or a fanvideo.

So I'll watch 11C because it's the last of their canon story being told and I don't want to miss it. I'll separate Daryl and NR on my mind because Daryl is so much bigger and important and who I really care about. I'll choose to see how MMB's love for Carol shines throught my screen and appreciate all she did for this character by watching her last scenes. Because I know for sure that saying goodbye to Carol will be horrible, but MMB is the one who is suffering the most here. As her fan and a Carol fan I want to support MMB the only way I really can, and that is saying goodbye to Carol with her.

Besides Carol and Daryl, I love TWD. I loved it for years. It's my comfort show. I love so many of the characters, althought most of my favourites are long gone. I still have Jerry and Eugene and Lydia and Aaron and Gabriel. They are also MINE. I want to say goodbye to them. I want to watch their final scenes and send them off to the forever fanfiction land.

I also respect the shit of Ross Marquand, Josh McDermitt, Christian Serratos and Seth Gilliam for staying on this shitty show when their characters were underutilized, ignored or wrongly vilified by the writing and/or the fandom. Like MMB, they never gave up on their characters or the show even though they probably should have a long time ago. I want to say goodbye to all of these marvelous actors and characters who deserved better.

So, yeah, I'll watch 11C. I won't give AMC no profit whatsoever because I'm not from USA/Canada/Europe so I've being using not legal ways to watch the show for years now. I don't own any official merchandise because they are extremely expensive where I live. I don't really generate any buzz online because Tumblr is the only social media I talk about the show. AMC won't get a fucking dime from me.

I'll do my best to enjoy 11C even thought I'm depressed and angry and sad. I deserve to say goodbye to TWD and to Caryl on my own terms. So that's what I'll do. I just hope I was happy and excited about it too. And then, fanfiction all the way. I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS FUCKING SHIP! CARYL FUCKING ON!

[amymel86]

Bitches keep starting new Jonsa fics!

I’m bitches.

Shit. It happened again. Sansa really doesn’t need to be thinking about this on the day before her wedding but it happened AGAIN. The Red Keep Hotel’s 400 thread count, Braavosi cotton sheets are still balled up in her clenched fists. Sweat still dampens her brow.

A quick look over at the heavy blackout curtains shows no hint of daylight peeking from around the drapes. And stretching over to unplug her charging phone confirms that it is not yet dawn on this – her ‘Wedding Day Eve’ as Beth had coined it.

Should she make a call to her therapist once the world starts to wake up? She won’t go into great detail this time of course – but Sansa had thought that these dreams had stopped. It’s been ages since he’s featured in them and tonight-

Tonight...

Tonight he’d fucked her in her wedding dress.

Oh, Gods! How awful is that? Sansa is due to get married in under 48 hours and she’s dreaming of having sex with her groom’s brother?!

Deep breath.

Sansa closes her eyes.

In.

Out.

What was it that Brienne had suggested during their last session when she’d brought up the dreams?

“You may be manifesting these kinds of dreams because Jon is one of – if not the only – person that, outwardly, doesn’t show that he likes you. You’ve admitted yourself that you are a people-pleaser, Sansa, and I can imagine having someone in your life that you can’t seem to please would frustrate you very much.”

She was right, of course. It did frustrate her. Sansa was good at getting on with people – with everybody.

Except for Jon.

Even when they were younger, back in the north. That was before his dad had made contact with him – back when all he was was Miss Snow’s boy – the boy next door – the boy who was Robb’s best friend. He was always at their house but Sansa had little to no interest in him at the time and she was sure he had felt the same.

They were just too different.

The only time she really remembers having any kind of connection with him was when she’d hugged him for beating Joff’s ass when he’d hit her. But even that – she’s sure he’d only stepped in out of a sense of loyalty to Robb. The rest of the time he hardly acknowledged her beyond a bored looking grunt.

He’d gone away to college and Sansa had heard through Robb and Arya that he’d later dropped out, tried his luck down in King’s Landing at one of his father’s many, many investment businesses.

That hadn’t worked out either.

Sansa had just about forgotten all about Jon Snow – the boy next door – when, just three years ago, he’d contacted her via her old email of all things – couldn’t he have slid into her DMs on one of her socials like a normal person?

After short chats back and forth for a while – honestly, Sansa hadn’t been aware that Jon even knew how to hold a conversation until then - she’d found out that he had stayed down in King’s Landing and owned his own tattoo parlour now – a far cry from the respectable suit and tie gig that his father had envisioned for him.

He knew she was desperate to visit the capital and invited her to do just that.

That had been the first time she’d met his brother, her now fiancé, Aegon.

... and now she can’t seem to stop having sex dreams about a man who is decidedly not her husband-to-be. Honestly, he’s not even nice to her half the time and she doesn’t even know why – what has she ever done to him that was so bad? Aegon says Jon’s just too used to living and working in Fleabottom now – that the rough side of the city has rubbed off on him and caused him to forget his manners.

Sansa wonders if he ever had any in the first place?

Then she remembers how his lack of manners had made her react in one of those dreams and she can feel her whole body flush from her head to her toes.

“Mmm, fuck! You all wet for me, Princess?” Jon rumbles, his strong hands pinning her wrists back into the bed as he fills her. She whines before cutting off the noise with a bite to her lip. “Oh no, none of that,” he nips, teasing out her plump bottom lip with his own teeth, “I wanna hear aaall the noises Little Miss Perfect makes when she comes.”

Her heart is hammering in her chest as she stares up at him above her, a devious smirk on his face while he fucks her slow and measured.

“You’ve got a dirty mouth, Jon Snow,” she hisses.

His smile doesn’t falter, his hands tighten around her wrists above her head. “I think you like my dirty mouth.” His hips halt their torturously drawn-out movements and he stills, his cock completely buried inside her. He kisses Sansa with more force and desperation than she’s ever experienced, all while his body lay heavy and still above her. She squirms and whimpers – she wants more. Jon lets a self-satisfied chuckle escape their kiss.

“I hate you!” she pants when he finally releases her from his lips. His tattooed arms skim down her frame and then faster than is possible, he flips them so that she now straddles his hips. Sansa braces herself on his chest as he grins up at her.

“That’s right, baby,” he coos, voice rough, hands smoothing up and down her thighs, “show me how much you hate me, sweetheart.”

“Christ,” Sansa curses, falling back against the sheets at the memory. She stares up at the ceiling for two, maybe three seconds before rolling to her side. Huffing, Sansa shoves a pillow between her legs and prays for more sleep – preferably dreamless.

***

Fuck! Jon wants to throw something – his phone, a pillow – something. He can’t because Ygritte is asleep beside him, here in this swanky hotel bed in the middle of the night. But Jon can’t sleep. He doesn’t know why he can’t sleep – well, that’s a barefaced fucking lie but Jon refuses to look too closely at it because if he does, he’ll get mad all over again and even further from drifting off.

The night is dead still and heavy as he sits up, letting the fancy, soft sheets fall away from around his waist. Briefly, Jon considers waking Ygritte up and offering to go down on her – that always led to sex and if he got some, maybe he could sleep? Urgh – no. That was pretty fucking selfish. Plus, his girlfriend has been in a mood with him since she’s not keen on weddings, nor his family and Jon is kind of forcing her to go to this thing anyway.

There was no fucking way that he was gonna show up alone to watch his brother marry Little Miss Perfect. The only way he managed to sway her was by revealing that his father had already paid for their suite for three nights and that there would be a free bar at the wedding.

Sighing, Jon scrubs his hands down his face and reaches for his glasses. His phone tells him that it’s 2am.

The en suite bathroom light flickers on and the extractor fan kicks in instantly. Jon cuts the noise as fast as he can by flipping the exterior switch. Ygritte turns over in bed but doesn’t wake.

Closing the door with a soft click, Jon lets out a breath. The light overhead hums quietly and the reflection in the over-sink mirror is a sorry and accusing one. Bracing his weight on the porcelain sink, Jon glares at himself. His eyes catch on one of the first tattoos he’d ever gotten; a dragonfly in flight over his heart.

“Fucking hell, you’re pathetic,” he whispers to himself.

Maybe he just needs to jerk off and then he’ll be able to sleep?

Jon snorts snidely at himself. Yeah, ‘cause that’s not pathetic at all. Christ.

He almost walks out the bathroom but then stops, coming back to the basin and opening his phone. It’s not pathetic. He is a man – he has needs, dammit! As long as he’s just looking at generic porn and doesn’t open up that hidden file he has that contains images and videos from a certain person’s social media, then it’s fine – it’s all fine!

His traitorous thumb hovers over that file none-the-less.

Oh, so we’re just gonna jerk off to pictures of the bride on the day before her wedding, are we?

“I can’t handle this,” he grumbles - grinds the heels of his palms into his eyes until he sees sparkles.

Standing in the doorway, the light from the bathroom behind him floods in and lands upon one of the little amenity tables backed up against the adjacent wall. On top had been an expensive looking vase of fresh roses and a professional brochure listing all the important information about the hotel and their stay. It had boasted a long list of facilities – including a 24hr gym.

If Jon’s feeling too guilty to see to his frustrations one way – perhaps he should try another.

[yoursummerafternoon]

what i learned during first week of uni

[disclaimer: this is my personal reflection, not intended as a piece of advice for anyone]

it hasn’t been a full week, actually. today is thursday and we have no classes but we still have class tomorrow. yet i think too much shit has gone down in such short time and it’s probably time for some reevaluation.

i think the biggest issue is still that i’m bad at allowing myself to take rest. i have realized the importance, yet practicing it is a whole other skill i need to learn. i should learn how to let go and unwind when i find myself tired at 8 pm instead of beating myself up for not doing enough for the day, forcing myself to stay up for another hour and ending up falling asleep, lights on and no nighttime routine whatsoever, then waking up all restless at 2am to turn off the lights and go back to sleep to get up for the day with same level of refreshment i would have if only slept an hour. i should learn to let go and put off my studying during unproductive hours instead of forcing myself to do it and get stuck in the instagram-scrolling cycle then beat myself up for it. and all the other things.

time management is also an issue. i finally discovered the obvious truth that schedules are a waste of time when you don’t actually follow them. making them can be fun, especially with all the colors and the hopes of being super-productive, but committing to them usually aren’t even half the fun.

there are other small yet impactful issues, too. so here are the things i think i should remember the upcoming uni weeks:

- commit to your schedule. commit to every bits of it, even the breaks. breaks will feel more rewarding when you’re not stealing bits of it every few minutes throughout your working time. and you will feel less tempted to steal short breaks when you have a real, rewarding break ahead of you. doesn’t it seem like a goddamn cycle??

- do analog breaks instead of digital ones. when it’s time for your breaks, put away the gadgets and get some fresh air. if you stare at the screen all the time, it would be hard to find balance between your breaks and your productive screen time because your breaks aren’t done properly

- keep yourself busy, then give yourself rewards. we both know that instagram-scrolling is neither productive or relaxing. it’s simply what we do to get away from the things we’re actually supposed to do. keep it mind; if you avoid getting on social media every two seconds, you’ll probably have enough time to rewatch a feel-good movie tonight.

- go to bed when you’re tired, why is that so hard to do???????????

- understand the studying strategies that work best for you. remember that it’s unlikely for you to finish any brainwork during the afternoon. so use the time to finish the other things on your todo list (yes, always keep yourself occupied, otherwise you’ll end up with not-so-nice thoughts about yourself). remember that class discussions don’t work for you, so find other things to do during it

- remember to do previews and reviews, always. you do not know whether you will have enough time to study nearing the exam weeks. emphasis on the preview, you know you can’t survive a class without reading the materials beforehand.

- allow yourself to slip off the schedule every now and then. what i mean is not to do it intentionally, but when it happens (because it IS going to happen), don’t beat yourself up over it. we can’t be on track 24/7. forgive yourself and get back up again

- have a purpose. i haven’t found one, and this should be sorted out asap i guess.

[forbidd3nfruit]

Okay time to rant because I’m sad and don’t want to dump more miserable bullshit on my friends.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago due to his own inability to coexist in a healthy relationship. At that point we hadn’t even seen each other since March because of covid, so our whole breakup had to happen over FaceTime – the second time we ever FaceTimed in the entirety of our 1+ year relationship! 🙃 Getting me through this quarantine was knowing I could see him again when it was all over...kiss him, cuddle him, hold him in my arms. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll soon be leaving the comfortable suburbs I spent the quarantine in to return back to my draining life in NYC. Prior to this relationship I spent several years in the city feeling lonely and worthless. All I wanted was love, and it felt like I got burned every time I tried to find it. I don’t know if it’s just the city or what, but I’ve had a long string of short term friendships and it feels like people just come and go. Admittedly I’ve been the one to walk away from friendships as well, but nonetheless I haven’t felt great security or found people I feel like I can really count on. It’s just been me vs. the world. I’m extremely protective of myself so perhaps this is understandable. I’m very discerning about who I allow in my life and who I am vulnerable with. This very much applies to intimacy and because of it, I didn’t have any sex from September 2016 to January 2019. And by no means am I on a spectrum of asexuality. I am very much a horny person! But I’m only really interested in sexual encounters that are fueled by passion and emotional intimacy.

I can be quite the romantic, and I do often daydream about my future partner, but I’m also level headed and logical. I sensed from the beginning with him that our relationship would last a while, though I never thought he was my soulmate or anything like that. It just felt so stable and secure. He was certainly the first person I dated that I felt I could really count on, and outside of romantic feelings, one of the few people in general I really clicked with. Funny enough I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, when he popped up on my Tinder, and I remember consciously deciding to swipe right because I had seen him on social media before and was curious what he’d be like. Flash forward to me falling in love with him. I digress! He wooed me in a fun way, and ending up being the first person I sent nudes to. He felt stable and reliable but at the same time had a naughty flair that made a good balance for me. However things started to subtly change within a relatively short period of time. In the first 4 months of our relationship, we had sex only 5 times and the nudes and sexts started to slowly disappear. I would ask him about it and he always brushed it off, either giving the excuse that his libido ebbs and flows, or later on claiming erectile dysfunction. At the same time, he had become my best friend and someone that I talked to daily. (Or maybe I should clarify and say *texted* because I was the only one in the relationship who initiated actual phone conversations.) I tried to bring up the lack of sex a number of times, sometimes somewhat jokingly, but still seriously, and nothing was changed. Just empty promises of going to a doctor or seeing a therapist, which never happened. (the latter has finally happened, only took the relationship ending 🙄)

I began to confide in a certain friend who I knew would have a good perspective on the situation. She encouraged me to have a serious conversation with him, which I ultimately put off for a long time, and essentially warned me that this relationship would end at some point or another. I knew it was true. But the day to day of our relationship was fun and made me really happy, waking up to his good morning GIFs, getting photos of his pets throughout the day, and generally just talking to each other about anything and everything we were doing. I knew it would be really fucking hard to lose that. As time went on things only got worse. The sex never returned, he wouldn’t fully address the issue, and things were generally getting imbalanced. We barely saw each other once a week. I felt like he didn’t want to make time for me in his life. I made advanced plans for him to meet my parents once which he bailed on because he isn’t willing or able to stand up to his asshole stepdad. Low key we were in a LDR being at opposite ends of the tristate area, which made things tough, and it was getting unfair when he would always ask me to come to him all the time and rarely ever stay a night with me. Which makes no fucking sense because he’s the one living at home with questionably toxic parents and I’m a free bitch in my own apartment!

It became clear that he was not capable of providing me what I needed. And I wasn’t even asking for a lot. He wasn’t capable of providing basic things required in a relationship. I started to get paranoid, and earlier this year when we were about to get out of his car I thought I saw Grindr on his phone out of the corner of my eye. I immediately texted the aforementioned friend about it and she reassured me it was probably something else. As was the case for most of our visits, I put away all my frustration so I could enjoy the very little time I actually got with him. I didn’t even think about it much after that, although if I recall a lot of my frustrations were put over the edge that same night after his mother came into his room at night when the two of us were in bed. Which for me is a serious violation of privacy. I am a grown ass adult and no one’s mother should be walking in on me at 2am when I’m half naked in bed with my boyfriend. (Something I later discussed with him, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with. He doesn't see her level of inappropriate behavior or manipulation.) This was days before the quarantine hit, and I had been procrastinating my big conversation, and decided to continue to do so as I felt it was important to have it face to face.

But then shit hit the fan. I was talking with my friend during the quarantine and she asked if he had used this opportunity to send sexy texts or anything like that. I literally laughed in her face lol. At that point it had been over a year since he sent anything like that, and almost a year since we last had sex. She told me that ever since I told her about the possible Grindr incident earlier in the year, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. That there was a chance he was unsure of how to conduct himself in a relationship (definitely true) and therefore possibly talking to other guys casually (questionable). She tried to set a trap but nothing came of it, then again we didn’t really let enough time go by because I was so intensely entrenched in anxiety that I knew my only option was to confront him. So I did, on FaceTime, and he denied it, but after multiple conversations he told me he had to end the relationship. I cried so hard the next day. We both agreed to maintain communication, as a means to retain normalcy in the midst of this pandemic. My anxiety was still running rampant and I was paranoid that he was a) already talking to other guys on Grindr, b) lied about not being on Grindr during the relationship, or both. So this time I went on Grindr to look for myself and sure enough there he was. I know 2 weeks had gone by since our actual breakup but it still fucking stung. This is the person who wouldn’t fuck me or send me a damn dick pic for the last year of our relationship. And 5 minutes after it ends he starts hoeing around again???

I’ve been in so much pain since. We had a face to face meeting which was mostly a success, because he was actually able to be emotionally vulnerable for once in his fucking life, but I’m still hurt. He apologized for everything but never really explained to me why his relationship with sex is so complicated. Then again I doubt even he understands it. My friend reassures me that ultimately, he will be the one suffering with his own inability to process his emotions, whereas I will heal and find love again because I am emotionally intelligent and available. But right now it feels like he’s resumed life as normal and I’m here depressed over seeing his tweets. I miss him so much but thinking about him talking to other guys even if casually still really hurts me. This is someone I placed so much trust in and looked to for security and stability and he couldn’t even meet me halfway. I have so much fucking love to give and I give it with the utmost dignity. If his best at a relationship was half-assing it, I wish he wouldn’t even have gone on Tinder in the first place.

But perhaps I screwed myself over here. I’ve allowed years of sexual frustration to pent up and allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone who was not good enough for me. And apparently I still don’t feel like I deserve better because I’m obsessively thinking about him.

[erikismybitch]

Waiting in Vain: Chapter 1

This One Guy.

Marleys room was her safe space . It smelled like her, it looked like her , even the soft sheets felt like her . They were expensive enough. “Quality over quantity“ her mother would say when she was little . That was something she carried on , even after her life .

“Alexa, turn on my fucking light” Marley groaned , she had been hearing voices in the living room for the past hour . She didn’t even have Alexa, Marley just wanted to humor herself. She was trying to take a nap before she had to be logged on to her computer for work .

Marley controlled the social media content for a food delivery app. When people messaged and tweeted the company , Marley was the person who had to respond and help . She had to take a total of six hours a day , all dedicated to the complaints of unhappy customers . She just wanted a few hours of sleep, she had a busy day and needed to pull an all nighter .

But no, Tiana had to invite people over tonight. They were cousins and shared a living space . Well, Marley was living with her cousin. She fell on hard times and needed a place to stay while she got on her feet . Marley had given herself a year , it was month six so she was half way there. Ready to go wasn’t even the phrase that could explain how she felt . Paying half the rent wasn’t bad, but she wanted her own space.

There was a knock at her door, one of the many over the past hour . It was the same thing , somebody asking when she was “gonna’ come out” . From the sound of it , a football game was on . Marley wasn’t interested in any sport that didn’t involve Serena Williams . And plus , to her, football was fueled by racism, it’s workings were slavery-like. Marley also thought it was too many confusing rules , what’s a first down anyway .

She left her nest , spotted a few familiar faces and this one guy .

The one guy who approached Marley a few weeks ago . But once he laid eyes on Tiana, Marley was a distant memory .

His name was Erik.

And there were many before him , ever since they were little girls Tiana always prevailed . Marley rested the side of her body on the living room wall , every seat was taken so she had no choice . Also she was able to see everyone , but couldn’t keep her focus away from Tiana and Erik. His hand rested on her thigh , Marley could see the imprint from him squeezing it ever so often . They kept stealing seductive glances at each other. Marley rolled her eyes .

This is why I stay in my room, Marley preached to herself. All the while grabbing an unopened lime-a-rita and taking a huge swig . It was time for her to start work anyway . Without so much as a goodbye , she went back into her room . Uninterested on being around people . Marley felt a particular way , she didn’t know if it was loneliness. Everyone could lie and pretend that they were okay with rejection and being single . But nobody really enjoys being alone . Marley wanted to be wanted , even if it was for a moment. So she did what a lot of impulsive girls do . She sent a text to her ex boyfriend.

Trey, wyd?

She sent the text . And after letting thirty minutes pass he didn’t respond . Marley figured he wasn’t horny enough to respond back . “Why did I do that !” She slapped her for heads as self punishment. She felt that instant regret .

Marley logged into all social media accounts for work . Twitter was her first @Gunna671 was really upset about something missing from his order . She started off with the blue print .

We are sorry for the mistake , please tell me the item(s) that are missing from the order. And please provide the order number .

She managed to stay up for four hours , right before crashing again . The small fifteen minute cat nap lasted a little too long . Thank god, but not thank god for the loud noise that woke her up. It was now 2am.

Tiana was so damn loud , screaming Eriks name over and over . The sounds were muffled through the walls but Marley could hear everything . Even Erik’s recent remark about how “her shit was so wet” and how “her mouth felt just like her pussy when he was in it “

“Damn” Marley spoke out loud .

Her computer screen was still active with hundreds of unanswered direct messages and tweets. Before she got back to it, her phone screen lit up .

My bad , I didn’t see your text

Treys bullshit lie made her stomach growl with hunger . So she got up , those customers could wait another ten minutes. Through the hall she could hear them mumbling to eachother , it seemed as if they had finished . Thank god now. Nevertheless, Marley was on a food mission .

In the kitchen , she grabbed a box of hearty cereal from the cabinet . Poured it in a bowl and then added milk . Just as she retrieved her spoon, Tianas door opened. Erik walked out of the room . Nothing on but his briefs and a smile , he exuberated confidence as if he lived there . This was Eriks house. He displayed the same arrogance that attracted Marley to him in the first place , he didn’t even have to say a word .

They were at a club , he approached Marley but he couldn’t keep his wondering eyes off her cousin . “Her name is Tiana, go ahead “

Marley had grew tired of his act quickly , she knew where he really wanted to be . Routinely, if he would have just saw Tiana first . Usually, Tiana would reject them . But not Erik , not a man who was built to perfection like him . From his brown skin , bulging biceps and dimpled smile . He probably didn’t even know what rejection felt like .

He smelled like cologne and latex. That latex smell always carried on its own . Erik mumbled something about juice . Marley heard him loud and clear but she was still upset at him for his choice . She ignored him . It got awkward because he repeated himself , so he knew for a fact she heard him . He didn’t like that , he could get rude too .

“You didn’t hear what I said?” he raised his tone , in a father-like manner , like one that was fed up with a teen .

“Nope” Marley was dry with him . Erik kissed his teeth and brushed past her . He moved so quickly that it startled her . He opened the fridge and grabbed a carton of orange juice . It just so happened to belong to Marley. “Aye, that’s mine!” She warned him .

“So I can’t have none?” He smirked, trying to use his charm to dissolve the situation .

“No, you should have asked” Marley went towards him to reach for the carton of juice , he snatched it back just as the tips of her fingers touched his. Erik looked down at her , his smirk was gone . He had tried his best to be cordial , but he took big offense to people who snatched things from him . Plus, he had already asked her twice .

“I don’t give a fuck if this is your house or not , don’t you ever try to take something from me “ He was loud and clear . Marley stood back in fear . Something about him made her freeze . If it was any other person , she would have returned the same energy . He looked directly at her but she couldn’t fathom looking him back in the eye. He slammed the carton on the counter , so hard that the bottom began to leak.

“You shouldn’t be drinking all this sugar anyway , you’ll just keep getting bigger”

The gasp that seeped through her lips came out strong. Erik had made Marley feel so small , thank god he walked away . He didn’t get a chance to see her eyes water . Marley had completely lost her appetite.

Is he saying I’m fat ? That was a fat joke right ? I know he isn’t concerned about my health , he fucking called me fat .

She continued to cloud her thoughts with disaproving opinions about herself . Marley cleaned up the leaking juice and threw the carton in the garbage can . Her cereal bowl went into the trash too.

I’m not even that big , I wear a size twelve , sometimes a ten . It’s because I’m not cute . Does he think I’m fat ? Tiana and I are the same size . Maybe I should cut out the sugar . I am fat .

She washed the stickiness off of her hands , dried them and walked back into her room . Down the hall where the return of their sex sounds was ever so prevalent. “Fuck him” she whispered loudly.

Like everyone, Marley had experienced a few insults in her lifetime. Self confidence and reassurance can only go so far . Only liars say things can’t hurt their feelings . Words hurt everybody . She crumbled into her safe bed and thought of the things she should have said back . But who was she kidding , there was no comeback that could have broke Erik down . She wished she had something on him , like “Thats why you failed high school” or “That’s why your father left your mom” but she didn’t know his history . She just knew his name and from the sounds of Tianas screams , she knew he could fuck .

She opened her phone again .

My bad , I didn’t see your text

She read Trey’s text and responded. Again , Marley knew he was lying , after four years she could read him like a book . Even through his text messages . She just wanted the feeling of touch from someone, even if that person endowed the most pain on her.

It’s fine , you sleep?

Nah , come thru

He knew what the 2am text meant . She needed him to make her feel good . Pulling pride to the side, Marley got dressed . Leggings, hoodie , and uggs. Whatever she wore would be snatched off as soon as she walked through his door . Well, depending on who was all there. Treys house was a never ending revolving door. Full of drugs , fights , a mother who let the streets raise her kids and everlasting drama. The stories Marley could tell about the time spent there were unbelievable.

I’ll be there in 15

She left , without telling Tiana. She was sure to have a few angry text messages from her cousin in the morning . Living with Tiana came with a dirty kitchen and attachment issues . Marley got into her car , when it heated to completion she left . Six more months , the lease that held both of their names would be over . Where Marley could move on with her life , new friends , new experiences, a new state . She hoped . But for now , Trey would do.

Hope you guys like the intro :)

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

[pmddnutter]

Running a business with PMDD

I suffer from a condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD for short, its sometimes referred to as severe PMS although it is certainly way worse than PMS.  It has only recently (May 2019) been recognised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) as a unique condition meaning that PMDD will be considered a separate condition to severe PMS, should see more funding and research and allow doctors across the world to standardise their terms.  Hopefully leading to more diagnoses and better treatment and understanding.

The WHO defines PMDD as:

“a pattern of mood symptoms (depressed mood, irritability), somatic symptoms (lethargy, joint pain, overeating), or cognitive symptoms (concentration difficulties, forgetfulness) that begin several days before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and then become minimal or absent within approximately 1 week following the onset of menses.”[i]

PMDD is debilitating, it has caused women to commit suicide.  There are no specific treatments for it; for some women hormonal contraception works well, for other antidepressants, and for a handful of women only a full hysterectomy has helped.  Whatever the treatments, PMDD is different for different women – it affects us all differently.

PMDD and Me

For me PMDD is that girl in high school that was a bit two faced, smiles to your face when she needs you but when your back is turned pulled that ‘urgh’ face and rolls her eyes to her ‘real’ mates – you know the one I mean.

She is never the same though, some months she can be quite mild and meek, maybe a bit of insomnia and overeating, sometimes a bit grumpy or irritable – kinda friendly but you know that there is a storm brewing.  Other months she is in full on Bitch Mode!  She makes me believe my husband is having an affair, she makes me eat ALL DAY, she tells me I’m no good, she makes me want to get in my car and drive as far away as possible.

And when you have this whilst running your own one-man band business it’s really bloody hard!  As a small business owner hand making you own products you already question yourself pretty much daily; is my stuff any good, why do people buy it, why aren’t people buying it, shall I just jack it in and go back to ‘real’ work full time?  So, add PMDD into the mix and I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I bloody hate rollercoasters!

With PMDD I get these amazing times of euphoria, exciting manic times where my creativity and enthusiasm are in overdrive and OMG these times are awesome.  I come up with some of my best work during this time, my marketing strategies all just seem to work, I love being around people and go out and network loads.

But then I have to crash, and I kinda know I will but I never know how hard.  Sometimes I’ll just have a teary day, one where nothing goes right, I miss stamp literally everything and nothing I post on social media is interesting, so no one comments.  But sometimes this just lasts 1 day and I don’t even realise until my period starts that this day happened.  But other times I crash bad…  I just hate everyone and everything, my customer service goes out of the window as everyone is against me.  Why bother posting on social media as I can’t make it sound nice or enthusiastic.  I spend pretty much all day holding back the tears and my horrible attitude, I just want to stay in bed but I can’t sleep, I eat EVERYTHING in sight and I literally have to force myself to do even the most menial of tasks.

One of the very worst things about these really deep lows is that I don’t recognise myself, I am usually (for the other 2/3 weeks of the month) a really happy and enthusiastic person which is why I sometimes don’t even realise the manic days have happened until the low starts.  The lows that scare me are the ones where I don’t want to be around people, especially when you have a house to run with 2 small children and a husband and a part time job.  The ones where I just can’t seem to snap out of it, I know I’m in deep, I can’t stop myself saying some nasty things and snapping at those closest to me.  The lows where any orders I get don’t matter, they’ll probably just hate it when it arrives anyway so what’s the point making it at all.  Any messages I get I just can’t be arsed to reply as the questions are just so inane and pointless, or they’re just moaning at me for no reason – no your order that you placed 10 mins ago won’t be with you tomorrow as I have to HAND MAKE IT!  I have to stop myself replying with a message saying ‘won’t you just f*ck off already, you’ll get it when I decide you’re worthy enough to make my crappy handmade sh*t that you probably won’t like anyway and you won’t bother to leave me any feedback even if you do’ (that’s a whole other blog for another time!)

So why am I writing this blog now?

It is now December 2019 and I’ve been trying to write this since PMDD awareness month back in April 2019!  At the beginning of the month I had a plan to do some awesome posts about it, create some keyrings, maybe even raise some money.  Then it hits… why would anyone want to buy any of my keyrings, I’d be doing the cause a grave injustice in creating such shit products.  Believe me, the irony of this is not lost!  The irony of the negative thoughts is never lost once I come out the other side, and it’s this irony that delays me getting the help I need.  A few days passes and you convince yourself that it wasn’t so bad, it was just you feeling a bit blue for a day.  You get on with life, looking after the kids, bury yourself in work; the high is well and truly convincing you that you are absolutely fine and that next month won’t be so bad.  But then you notice the date, it’s a few days before you are due to ovulate and here we go again…

I went to my GP in May 2019 as the symptoms were not getting any better and asked to have the hormonal coil fitted again as it had helped me so much before I had my second baby.  It was fitted in June this year and I waited the 3 months to see if it would help, it unfortunately didn’t and in October I had one of my worst lows to date.  It was horrendous and I booked a GP appointment at 2am after being awake for nearly 48hrs, having eaten god knows how much food, drunk far too much wine and cried at every little thing I watched.  I saw my GP a couple of weeks later, obviously I was feeling much better but I am determined to get this thing sorted and she was amazing and we went through the options and I decided on trying oestrogen for the 2 weeks prior to my cycle.  I had to giggle to myself when reading the instructions; firstly because I have to rub 1 squirt of this gel into my thigh at the same time every day, and secondly because this is effectively HRT given to older ladies at the time of the change LOL!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is working for me, I’m 4 days before I am normally due on and the symptoms are back.  Definitely not as severe as the October crash but the feelings of annoyance, self-doubt and pointlessness of it all are here, my next step is perhaps anti-depressants, so I’ll book an appointment with the GP and see what the next steps are.

My battle with PMDD and keeping sane for my business continues, even as I write this I am questioning all my plans for 2020. I have/had some great ideas but that little well of anxiety is brewing up again and I’m thinking it’ll just be better/easier to scrap it all. I won’t though, I’ll step away from social media, take some time out for me (although with this comes the Mum Guilt fun) and give myself a good talking to that this will pass and next week I’ll be buzzing and posting non-stop and bugging everyone again! Until next month…

Thanks for reading,

Emma xx

For more information and guidance for PMDD please check out the MIND website here or IAPMD here, or feel free to drop me a message.

You can also download an app to track your symptoms here.

[i] https://iapmd.org/position-statements-1/2019/6/11/world-health-organization-adds-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd-into-the-icd-11

[petersshirts]

To New Beginnings | Part 5

summary: everything is tumbling down and it’s taking you right with it

warning: swearing

words: 2997

a/n: part 5 guys! this story will most likely have two more parts, but we will see :) thanks for reading, love you x and if you would like to be tagged in my taglist, just send me an ask!!

masterlist || part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4

my requests are always open!!

1:45 a.m.

The clock at the kitchen wall ticked and you stared at it, wishing something would change. You hadn’t moved for the last two hours, wishing that the person who was not with you would just come home.

You were now in the middle of your sixth month and you started to struggle to do everything on your own. Your stomach was growing really fast so you couldn’t lay on it anymore, and that was the only position you could fall asleep in. You couldn’t sleep anymore but there was also something else going on in your head - Tom.

For two weeks, he stayed at work much longer than he used to. He left before you got up and came back when it was already 2am. He always thought that you were sleeping but you just laid there, listening to his rummaging and you cried quietly, wishing he would tell you what was going on.

You were not sure if you should confront him because you were pretty sure that he was cheating on you. Even though he couldn’t even cheat because you were not together. But sometimes it just felt like the two of you belonged together and you could not imagine a life without him anymore.

But he was always gone especially on the weekends, never telling you where he was going. A month ago, he would never leave your side but now he became somehow distant and you had no idea how it had started. Did you do something wrong??

Today was another Saturday evening where he was not coming home, and you were tired of waiting for an explanation so you waited and waited. You needed to confront him because you were not sure if you could do this all on your own.

The door finally opened at half past two and Tom quietly walked into the house, trying not to wake you. You smiled at that but slowly got up from the couch, moving forward to your best friend.

„Where have you been?“ A jolt ran through Toms body when he heard your voice. He looked up at you, with a scared look on his face. „Jesus Y/N, you scared me!! What are you still doing up? Are you -„ But you interrupted him, not able to control your anger anymore.

„Tom, tell me where you’ve been. This has been going on for quite some time now and I don’t know if you’re not interested in our baby anymore, I feel so used. I’m feeling not my best, to be honest, and you are never here.“ The more you talked, the quieter you got. You were completely exhausted, all your body wanted was to sleep.

Toms' eyes widened and he seemed so confused, not knowing what he did wrong.

Ha, don’t fool me, Holland.

„Of course I still care for you, why would you ever think that? There are just some complications going on with one girl on the set and we need to help her a bit and be with her as much as we can.“

You shook your head, not believing his explanation. A girl?? There was definitely more to this but you were way too tired and too pissed to continue this conversation.

You stood up and grabbed a blanket from the couch, moving towards the stairs.

„I’m gonna go to bed. Tell me if you’re ready to tell me the truth.“ And with that, you left Tom sitting there with a desperate look on his face. You knew him too good and he was not telling you the truth. You walked into the empty bedroom, that you were going to turn into a nursery and sat down on the bed. Your eyes were completely exhausted from the long day so you hoped that you could finally get some sleep, even though you were still not very happy with how this evening had turned out.

Now it was Toms turn to tell you the truth and you were not going to do it. You lied down on the mattress and snuggled into the thin blanket, immediately missing Toms body pressed to your side. You missed his steady breath and his warmth, but you were not about to crack.

You’re a strong woman.

You heard Tom walking into your bedroom but you were way too exhausted to care. In just a few minutes you fell into a deep slumber with a weird feeling in your stomach, which was nervous for what was about to come.

Sunshine blinded you the next morning and woke you up. You had no idea what time it was so you slowly got up but fell right back into the sheets because your back hurt horribly. Tell me again why you were doing this??

You slowly helped yourself getting up and your back was on fire. There was no sound in the house so Tom must have already left so you headed straight to the bathroom, getting yourself some painkillers. After a few minutes, they started to kick in so you walked down the stairs, looking for any signs that Tom was still at home. You wanted to avoid him on all costs.

„Tom?“ You asked into the quiet space, but there was no answer. When you looked around the living room, there was no trace of the curly haired boy and his jacket was also missing, so he was gone. Thank god. You were not ready to face him again, you were getting overly emotional again and now was not the time to start crying in front of your best friend because of some girl.

You got yourself a tea in the kitchen and sat down at the table, checking your social media. There was not a lot going on so you turned your phone off. But then the thoughts about Tom leaving you all alone came back into your mind. He had promised to stay by your side, right? Even if you were just friends.

You had admitted that there were some feelings growing for Tom to yourself, but you would never tell that to him. But now he was the one letting you go for some other reasons, and it was getting really hard for you. You were in pain all the time and you desperately needed somebody who could help you, but Tom was nowhere to found. And you were way too proud to call him and tell him that you needed some groceries and also clothes for your cravings.

Self-do, self-have.

You slipped into some comfy clothes that were acceptable for the street, grabbed your bag and left the house. You jumped onto the train to get to the city of London to find yourself some cute clothes that would still fit when you were getting bigger and bigger. You didn’t need a man for that.

You exited the train at Piccadilly Circus and walked through the small streets next to the big shopping mile. Suddenly, you saw a familiar figure in the corner of your eye. You slowly turned around and when you saw Tom with a girl in his arm, you immediately ran into a shop that was just next to you to hide. From there, you could still see how Tom had an arm on the girl's shoulder, slowly talking to her. She was taller than him and they looked weird together.

You had seen that girl before but you were not sure where. Maybe it was one of Toms co-stars and now he was walking around in public with his new girlfriend. Why wouldn’t he just tell you the damn truth?? The two seemed really familiar but the girl didn’t look too happy. But honestly, you didn’t care anymore. This was about your health and the future of your baby. And you needed to take a step forward and if Tom had decided that he wanted to share his life with another girl, he could do that, but he had to leave yours first.

You had planned to run out of the shop and confront them but you were so lost in your own angry thoughts, that they were gone before you could react. You felt completely lost, not knowing where to continue your life. You knew that you had more than just friendly feelings for Tom and you never wanted them, but they happened with you being so emotional and him being so caring. But now it had happened and you could do nothing to stop it anymore.

And Tom had promised that he would take care of you and your baby, how could he break this promise between two best friends? And also if one of them was pregnant??

You finally hurried out of the shop and directly went back to the Underground station and drove back home. On the way, you send Tom a text message: Come home as soon as you can. We need to talk.

There was no answer but you knew that Tom had read the message. He was in too much trouble to ignore you. When you were back home, you cleaned the apartment, waiting for your best friend to arrive. You were ready to talk, ready to find a conclusion and you were certain that this conclusion would not be positive for you. You would most likely stand there alone. You just couldn’t stand next to a boy who hurt your feelings so bad while hanging out with another girl without telling you.

After two hours, Tom finally knocked on the door and you opened him without a word. You gestured him to sit down in the living room and while he sat down on the couch, you sat on the armchair as far away from him as possible.

Tom looked really nervous, not really sure what to expect from you. You breathed in and out slowly, trying to collect your thoughts.

„I went to the city today and I actually saw you and a girl walking around, arm in arm, Tom. Don’t tell me that that’s not right, because I saw you with my own eyes.“  Your voice was trembling and tears were rolling down your face, knowing what was about to come. You could not do this to your baby.

„But Y/N…“

„Cut the bullshit Holland. You promised that we would do this together, me and you. And just after a few months, you’re hanging out with another girl?? This doesn’t seem fair to me Tom, and I don’t know if I want to raise a child with somebody who can’t keep his promises.“

Toms eyes widened and he stood up, walking towards you. „No, Y/N, I will never hurt you! Zendaya is just my friend, please believe that! She’s going through some tough shit and I need to be there for her. I know that I did something wrong and I’ve been ignoring you for two weeks straight, but it really was not my intention. Please don’t do this. Bear is ours.“

Tom stood now right in front of you and he started crying too. You understood him but the way Tom and the girl had touched each other, you were not quite sure that what he was telling you was real.

„I can’t do this right now, Tom. I’m now in the third trimester and I need somebody who’s there for me 24/7, and that’s just not you. So could you please leave now? I bet that that girl would love to have you over.“ Toms face turned from desperate to angry and he stepped one step back.

„Why do you even care about that much about the girl? We are just friends, remember?? There were always boys and girls but you never said that you don’t want us to be friends anymore and even if i tell you that there’s nothing go…“

„Because I love you!“ You didn’t even want to say those words out loud, but now it was too late. Tom looked at you like you were completely insane but before he could react or say anything back to you, you turned around, whispered a small „Go.“ and ran up the stairs, ignoring the awestruck boy behind you.

__________________________________

The next two weeks were horrible. Tom had left right after you hid in the bedroom, and since then, there had been no sign of him. You had thousands of missed calls from Harrison, asking what had happened between the two of you but you were not ready to answer him yet. Every morning was horrible - you felt worn out, like Bear had taken all your energy that was still left.

You had huge bags under your eyes but it was not easy to sleep in a lonely bed when you desperately wanted a warm body next to yours. Your back hurt all the time and you still visited your childbirth class, even if it didn’t make any sense at all. Everybody always looked at you like you were some kind of outcast, and honestly, you felt like one. Everyone was busy with their own lives and you didn’t want to ask for somebodies help.

All you could think about was Tom. You missed him a lot but you were not sure if he would ever come back because of your confession. Why did you even say that out loud?? It just made everything much more complicated but you had made your decision and he wasn’t coming back. Because you had asked him to leave.

But now, you felt so alone, like nobody was there. Your sister was too far away and had to manage her own kids and your mum was on some cruise so there was no one you could even talk to. So you did what do best: You wrote articles for your job all the time. Sometimes you got up to get yourself some food or to go the toilet, but everything else was just working.

With writing, you could concentrate on something else than the mess that was your life.

The sixth month had ended and there were only three months left for you. Your stomach was big but you still managed to do everything on your own, but you knew that there would be a time where you needed someone to watch over you. And the only one you wanted was Tom, even though you still had a bad feeling when you thought about him.

How should you even solve this situation? You didn’t want to go back to him but you also desperately needed him. But you were so afraid that he would still hang out with that girl every day and you didn’t want that to happen. Your feelings were clear, for you and for Tom. For him, it would be even a bigger reason to stay as far away from you as possible.

And so you lived your days, only doing what was necessary and slowly accepting the fact that you would raise a child on your own. You had never thought that a friendship that had gone through a lot of things, would end like this. Why was everything so complicated when you were an emotional pregnant woman who fell in love with her best friend?

One afternoon, you laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling. The rain was slowly falling outside and you enjoyed it, feeling at peace for once. Your hands rested on your growing tummy and suddenly there was a little bump pressing against your hand.

You immediately sat up and stared at your stomach, not understanding what was going on. The baby had moved a lot in the past couple weeks but you had never been able to feel it from the outside. You gasped for air and started to laugh out loud, not believing what was happening.

You had nobody to tell the news to but you still felt so happy. You were not alone, Bear was there with you.

Your moment of happiness was disturbed by the ringing of the door. A frown appeared on your face, you had no idea who could be on your door. But you still got up and slowly walked to the entrance and opened the door. You were not prepared to see the girl that Tom had been hanging out with, standing in front of you.

She was alone and her hair was wet, meaning that she ran through the rain to get here. But what was she doing here?? Did she want to get the stuff from Tom that he had left behind? You didn’t even know her name.

„C-can I help you?“ You managed to get the words out after a few minutes, completely shocked that she showed up.

The girl looked at you with a worried look on her face. You had to admit, she was gorgeous. She didn’t wear any makeup, only glasses and still looked flawless. You looked like a ghost. But now was not the time for comparisons.

„I need to talk to you Y/N. It’s about Tom.“

_____________________________________

Ooooh, what is Zendaya going to say?? Leave your ideas in the comments!

If you would like to be tagged on my taglist, just send me an ask!!

Thanks for reading Y'all!

Permanent Taglist:

@smexylemony @ive-got-more-wit @lou-la-lou @loxbbg @seanna313 @underoos-shield @damnhisfaceisliketheskyatnight @supernatural-strangerthings-1980

To New Beginnings Taglist:

@underoos-shield @hannahbanana72 @gerardway-has-socks-yeah @dragonqueendany @requested-memory @thejourneyneverendsx @spidergal1216 @p-writes @deathofthethrones @aelin-firehearts-court @baby-iloveyourway @hangry-and-sarcastic @nataliebartell @jayacharlotte @vxidnik @dangerousluv1 @loxbbg @littlekidsteve @annathesillyfriend @arabellaaurorabarnes @johannalauraaa @peterfromtheavengers @bubbash125 @wheezy-wheezing @lovemusicpretty @letthembehappymcu @istartedschooltoday @gerim-1995 @captainam-erika-trash @nephalem67 @samieastton @mockingjayd12 @sams-hollands

[bizarrewritings-blog]

Best Part of me - S.S.

Sebastian Stan x Reader

Anon: Hi sunshine <3 can you make Seb and "You're the best part of me" looooove your writing!

Promt: 232 - "You're the best Part of me"

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word count: 1,689

Warnings: Swearing

@Y/T/N: Your Twitter @-Name

You've been pacing around the living room of your shared apartment for what felt like hours now, your feet already hurting from the hardwood floor, but you didn't care. Your throat was dry and aching, like someone wrapped a noose around it and pulled it just a little too tight. Your eyes were puffy from crying, your lip chapped and bleeding just the tiniest bit from you chewing on it so much.

Sebastian had left earlier to go to an movie event. You had decided to stay home, not really a fan of the press and crowds of people. And after all, you weren't a famous actor, like about 90% people who would attend this festival. He seemed a little disappointed to not spend the evening with you, but he didn't want to push you to do anything you weren't comfortable with. He never would, one of the many things why you loved him so much.

But now you were there alone, tight grip on your phone in your hand. It showed a Tweet, two pictures attached. They were a little low quality but it was obvious that it was Sebastian with another woman, and they were way too close for your liking. He had his hand on her lower back on both of them. In the first one, he leaned in to say something in her ear, a fond smile plastered her pretty face. In the second picture, he showed her something on his phone, grinning while she was smiling brightly. The Tweet itself said "What is this? Is Sebastian cheating on @Y/T/N?"

Your social media had been blowing up since the pictures leaked, tons of people wondering if you were still together, some defending Sebastian, some saying hateful stuff, like that he "finally found someone better". Ever since you started dating Sebastian about 3 years ago, you knew it wouldn't be easy to have a famous actor as your boyfriend. It brought a lot of difficulties, lots of fights, but you always got over it because in the end, you two loved each other.

But this was a whole new level. He has never cheated on you.

From Time to time you tried to lift yourself up, tried to think it was a big misunderstanding. That the women was just a close friend which he was happy to see. But everytime you looked at the pictures amd read through the comments, the ugly feeling in your stomach came back since you weren't the only one to be convinced that was more than friendly.

You already tried to call and text him a thousand times. He never answered, and it made you furious. Tons of thoughts what he could be doing in that moment were in your mind, causing a mass of emotions to storm inside you. You were jealous, mad, sad, broken, everything. Even taking breaths was hard, your lungs aching from the constant try to not start breaking down again. It was already 2am, he had left 7 hours ago and still wasn't home.

You fell back onto the couch, letting out a heavy sigh as seemingly every muscle in your body ached. You wanted to curl yourself into a ball and just stay like that forever.

-

Sebastian knew he was late when he finally left the party. He was tired as shit as he almost fell in the Cab, sinking back into the soft beackseat while he told the driver his address. During the drive he kept looking out the window, a pleased smile on his face. He couldn't wait to be home. You were probably asleep, he thought, so he could just change out of his uncomfortable suit and snuggle up in the bed next to you. His phone died a couple hours ago, and he felt a little disappointed that he couldn't read your typical goodnight text you send whenever he was out late without you. The smile on his face grew at the thought of it. In his eyes, you were the most adorable thing ever.

As Sebastian arrived at your apartment, he thanked and payed the driver before stepping inside. He tried to be as silent as possible as he pushed the key into the lock and turned it. His brows furrowed in confusion when he pushed the door open, the soft light from the living room unusual. "Y/N? Are you still up?" He asked carefully while kicking off his shoes. Maybe you've fallen asleep on the couch. Wouldn't be the first time.

But when he approached the living room, only to find you slumbed over the couch, your eyes puffy and a broken look on your face at his presence, he could almost hear his heart break. He quickly rushed to your side, confused as you jerked away from him. "Darling, what's wrong?"

You felt the tears form once again in your eyes as your chin quivered. "Don't call me that." You croaked, your voice breaking while you tried to avoid his gaze. Sebastian stared at you, even more confused as he just found out that he was the reason for your current state. And he had no idea why. "Come on, talk to me. What's going on?" Wordlessly, you handed him your phone, the tweet with the pictures of him and the women still open. When Sebastian recognized the two people the pictures showed, all colour drained from his face. Realizing you probably believed what the tweet said he turned to you, panicking slightly. "Darling, I swear it's not what it looks like." You scoffed at him, rolling your eyes which were still filled with tears. Your arms were crossed infront of your chest, your body facing away from him, your eyes fixated on your lap while you tried to fight the tears that wanted to escape.

"You have to believe me! I know how this looks but i can explain- I could explain, but-" "But what?!" You snapped, your gaze meeting his. He gulped hard at your now angry state. "I-I can't tell you, I-" "Are you fucking serious, Sebastian?!" You were completely enraged now. Why wouldn't he tell you the reason he wouldn't be cheating on you? Maybe because there wasn't one?

"Either, you give me a goddamn reason why I shouldn't believe you were cheating on me, or you can walk right back out and not come back. Your choice." Your voice was serious, the harsh tone making Sebastian flinch. His jaw clenched, he didn't know what he should do. He hated to say it, but he had to. He didn't want you to force him to leave. "That girl, she's a friend, I promise. I needed her help with something, that's why I showed her something on my phone." You searched for any kind of sign in his features that he was lying. You normally could see right through him, but all you currently saw was worry. So you continued. "Help with what?" He gulped again, his eyes silently pleading you to not ask. But you didn't care. "Tell me or leave. It's easy as that."

Sebastian let out a heavy sigh, his eyes closing. "I didn't want it to go like this, but alright." His eyes opened again, his gace finding yours as he smiled weakly. "I love you, more than anything." You scoffed lightly, which he chose to ignore. "I wanted to get you something. I had two different possibilities, and I asked her which one she thinks is better." Your eyes furrowed in confusion. He took a deep breath, his pleading gaze once again on you. "Do I have to continue?" You just nodded, leaving him to sigh again, his eyes closing. "They were rings." Your eyes widened at his statement, your jaw slack. "I wanted to make this more romantic but well, here we go."

You couldn't proceed what was going on when he stood up, only to get down on one knee infront of you. He gently took your hand in his, a soft smile on his face as tears once again formed in your eyes. "I would never cheat on you, Y/N. I still can't believe you love me for the mess I am. You're the best Part of me. And I want you to stay with me, forever." You were full on weeping right now as a couple of tears even gathered in Sebastians eyes. "I know I don't have a proper ring right now, but I'm still asking you." He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves even though his hands were shaking. "Y/N Y/L/N, Will you marry me?" A shiver ran through you as the words fell from his lips. You were speechless, unable to form words as he just stared at you, waiting for an answer. When you felt his thumb gently stroking the back of your hand, you slowly came back to reality. Smiling brightly, you nodded. "Yes. Yes I want to." A relived sigh left Sebastians lips, a grin forming before he stood up, pulling you with him to hug you tightly. You were both crying by now, this time out of pure joy.

You had no idea for how long you just stood like this, arms around each other, crying into the other's shoulder. Sebastian pulled back after a while, smiling down at you with the brightest smile you've ever seen. His hand went to your face, his thumb carefully wiping a couple tears away. "I love you." He whispered, pure honesty im his voice. You smiled up at him. "I love you too. And I'm sorry." He instantly shook his head. "Don't be. If I would've seen a guy that close to you, I probably would've gotten into a car to beat the shit out of him." You both chuckled at that. As his gaze found yours again, he slowly leaned down, covering your lips with his. The kiss was slow and filled with nothing but love, causing butterflies to errupt in your stomach. Sebastian was the love of your life, and you were the lucky one to get to marry him.

[forthebetterevil]

the fattest personal ramble i’ll ever post on this hellsite coz i need to get it out of my system

about heart flutters and confusion from an asexual who has yet to figure out (or is very close to figuring out through this ramble?) her romantic orientation

okay so let me get this out of the way: i’m asexual. specifically autochorrisexual. shipping brings me joy and those nasty (but not TOO nasty...) E-rated fics are what i’m down for, but i balk at the thought of my own self being involved in any sex-related activity. i have never wanted to engage in sexual acts with anyone in my life, and i swear i have TRIED to think about it, daydream about it, to “test” if my mind can really fathom the act of sex upon my own body.... i can’t. my mind literally snuffs out the mental image of sex when i am the subject, as if it isn’t possible, and especially since i don’t desire it. (i’m pretty okay with imagining 2 OTHER people getting down on each other tho.) i’m asexual so i don’t actually know what sexual attraction is, but i did try to search a bit on what that feeling is, and i’m not gonna lie, i can’t relate a single bit fam, which further helps me solidify my asexual identity.

that solidification didn’t come easy. i had to go through countless rounds of considerations, to try to pick apart the str8 agenda that society and mass media have been feeding me for as long as i lived. but once i realised this label worked far better for me than any other label in the lgbtq spectrum, i was like, yes! i found it! i found me. and i have never found anything contradictory to the label that i found for my sexuality. so that’s gr8 m8 8/8 coz that gave me the feeling of security of knowing myself, and i could read up on similar experiences through other asexual people online and not feel like i’m just immature for my age or whatever crap people think of asexuals (i didn’t read what aphobes on tumblr have to say because why would i want to make myself upset when i’m just living my life...).

whoops i rambled but YEAH SO I’M ASEXUAL. (thanks tumblr for introducing this concept to me, for once, because without tumblr i would just be confused and irritated i’m not feeling things that i “should”)

as some of you might know, if you’ve done some digging about your sexuality, a common theme that pops up in explanations is the distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. i already got the latter nailed down, hooray for me.

what’s romantic attraction then? this question would push me down the rabbit hole and end in me still pummelling but now into a bottomless water body where the surface i hit is the question, “what’s LOVE, then?”

i lazily decided i wouldn’t need to deal with romantic attraction if i never experienced it, so i just didn’t define my romantic orientation. lol. i mean, i only had a crush once in my life and that was when i was 9-years-old but that little “infatuation” lasted for about 10 years because that’s how fixated i get on things (and as it turns out, people) i favour LMAO so...?? during the period of my asexuality discovery and general maturation, i figured i only liked him for that long because of the IDEA of what i THOUGHT he was like --- i didn’t speak to him for extended periods of time during those 10 years, so clearly who my heart wants isn’t him, but just what i thought he would be like (something like the “perfect man”, but mixed in with his “flaws” i knew i could tolerate, because he’s human too and i try to be reasonable).

and it was also then that i learnt Love was a Choice. SO. i let go. i still look up to him and stuff, but i’m not going to let that millennium-long crush take up unnecessary space at the back of my mind anymore.

i was putting my bets on grayromantic or demiromantic, but this time i wasn’t, and couldn’t be, as sure of my identification as i was when i knew i was asexual. i don’t know. i can’t say it’s because i yearn for affection because frankly speaking i can go without it, i can be quite detached and can remain that way for a long time. maybe it’s because i didn’t want to dismiss the possibility of experiencing a (generally) positive feeling poets wax lyrical about. i mean nothing wrong if you’re aromantic, but i felt like i had the CAPACITY to love romantically. whatever that meant.

k i’ve rambled enough. long story short, someone new caught my eye (not literally lmao looks ain’t shit to me), and i don’t know what to make of it. so here’s my confusion.

(pardon me for coming off like a 13-year-old with a crush, but i legitimately thought about all this shit over the past few weeks)

his personality is lively and charming (to me!). his humour isn’t totally in sync with mine, but i can still chuckle along. he’s not a toxic hetero dude (yeah low bar but i just had to put it out there), he supports the LGBTQ+ community (i don’t know his sexual orientation but it doesn’t matter to me). he has Intellectual Opinions that aren’t obnoxious or are spewed to seem like a smartass or edgelord. he puts effort into his endeavours, he has a good attitude in general. oh and here’s the best part: i can’t properly gauge if i caught HIS eye, but if i did, he’s not showing it in creepy ways that other boys have. (small example: we all stay in something like a hostel. i offer to buy a snack from the convenience store for this dude who happened to be studying in a common area on my level at 2am (lol what’s a sleep schedule m’pals), because i’m going to go there at that very moment. mind you this dude and i have only recently been acquainted. dude says no thanks. i’m like okay. i go to the convenience store. i picked my items from the shelf, turn around, and BAM, HE’S RIGHT THERE. “um didn’t you say you didn’t want anything?” “oh no i just thought of following you here. it’s late.” you think it’s sweet or some shit but no because the convenience store is located within the university grounds and our country has one of the lowest crime rates ever so the reason he was giving was pretty illogical, no one does this shit. now i’m socially obligated to feel thankful for your chivalry or some shit??? i hate that. these dudes don’t ever fucking consider the context of chivalry before acting on it, did you legitimately think i would be comfortable and safer with you, a mere acquaintance, “accompanying” me to the store. ugh. ok whoops i digressed.)

here i admit, my heart flutters when i see him. so now i ask myself... is this infatuation, or do i legitimately want to be in a romantic relationship with him? wait, what’s a romantic relationship? WAIT, WHAT IS LOVE? (tw1ce kpop fans gtfo of my post lmao)

i proceed to analyse my behaviour towards him to try to determine if it’s legitimate romantic attraction. heart flutter, check. stumble over words, check. spew dumb shit in front of him, check. try to subtly catch his attention in a group setting, check. actually play along with his teasing, check. actually initiating conversations with him with HIM as the subject, check. (please note that after one too many creepy dudes’ advances after i try to be friendly and open and bubbly and polite because that’s just how i am, i consciously made an effort NOT to ask questions about THEM in any conversation i had to engage in with them because i frankly dgaf about their lives and i don’t want to make them think i did. i only used to ask out of courtesy because they asked me something first. but now i’m like fuck that. in my current situation, i actually still do not really care about what he does if it doesn’t concern me LMAO, but i ask just to give the impression that i do.) wishing i could see him for one more time, check.

BUT WAIT! i could wave that away with the explanation that i’m infatuated with him. i don’t know what romantic attraction REALLY is, but i’m going to take a leap of faith and guess it entails stuff like, do i want him to be my confidante and vice versa, do i want to hang out with him at the end of a long day - is that more tiring for me, or is that going to be rejuvenating, etc etc i’m basically basing my expectations of a romantic relationship on behaviours of a happily and healthily married couple, which i suppose COULD be misguided, but i don’t know any better...

so, do i?

but FUCK, BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. i don’t know my own preference. “um yeah that’s why you date, to get to know the other person better and shit” ssSSHHH!! i don’t jump into Big Things like relationships unless i’m REALLY sure it’s not going to end in a disaster (plus depleted social capital that i could’ve avoided depleting... ugh We Live In A Society)

right now the issue i’m griping about isn’t whether i’m gonna end up happily ever after with him. i’m venting my confusion here because i don’t know how seriously i should take these feelings towards another person. it’s occupying a LOT of space in my mind and it’s honestly getting in the way (mental effort, time, focus) and i have other things to do. i just want peace of mind.

confusing emotions are useless.

[lilacskyent-blog]

Breakfast with The Wicked Lady

Every day we see social media influencers, as well as anyone with a social media account, talk about how fake everything is. They rant about how everything is curated, modified with photoshop or facetune, and how no one is showing who they really are. This stance has always frustrated me because the way we present ourselves on social media is often times the same way we present ourselves in the real world when we want to make a good impression. This idea of trying to be our best selves, or even something as ill-conceived as “fake it ‘till you make it” was not born on social media, it’s something nearly everyone on the world does, while simultaneously craving something real. Michelle, a.k.a thewickedlady is one of the most real influencers I’ve ever encountered. Sitting with her via video chat, I feel immediately at ease because she’s normal. There’s no performance, no hyped up mess, just a really cool girl.

 Where did Wicked Lady come from?

Growing up watching Anime and Sailor Moon, I felt like I related very closely to the character Chibiusa, who is Usagi’s daughter who comes to visit Usagi from the Future. There’s a part in Sailor Moon R, where Chibiusa is convinced she is unloved by her friends and family, and she’s told that she is alone. This puts her in a really dark place and Wise Man turns her into the Wicked Lady. Growing up, I had a hard time finding myself and feeling very alone. I felt really unloved and I was in a dark place. But light was shed on me eventually and I realized that all these negative thoughts were not necessary and I should live my life to the fullest and be happy, and that’s also what helped Chibiusa return to her small lady self.

What got you into modeling?

It really wasn’t my initial plan to get into modeling, but I started when I was 18 and got serious when I was 20. I just started taking pictures when I had my pink hair, and my favorite hair dying brands started working with me. I started taking more pictures with my friends who were photographers and I grew from there. I did not do this on my own, I had a lot of help from my friends who helped me grow as an influencer and as a model and a person. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them.

Despite her modesty, Michelle is an amazing model. From the outfits she puts together to the poses the photographers capture there is pure magic in every image, even the silly ones that may or may not have been accidents. In my own personal modeling career, I pull inspiration from her work, because it’s not only beautiful but also carry an oddly perfect balance of elegance along with badass. Though from what I’ve gathered I’d say greatness with modesty is a fairly accurate way to describe Michelle. She’s absolutely incredible but doesn’t use her energy demanding you to tell her, or even acknowledge it. She’s just herself, just a girl with dreams, goals, and gifts like every other human being.

So along with everything else you have going on, you’re also a college student, what are you studying?

Currently studying Psychology, on route to receiving my bachelors, and eventually my PH.D. PSY.D in Industrial-Organizational Psychology.  Psychology has always been my favorite subject, especially growing up in an unstable home environment, I felt it would be best to learn more about mental health to help myself and my loved ones. People tend to forget that mental health is extremely important in living a healthy, and happy life. But because we can’t physically “cure” mental illness as we do with the common flu, I feel like it’s left unattended, or not taken seriously. We’ve all heard the term, “It’s a phase”, and in some cases, it really isn’t and leaves us more bruised and broken.

Mental health is one of the number one things we’re dealing with in today’s world. From loud, known cases like Kanye West, to the closed-off kids in the back of hundreds of classrooms who are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, or anything else. However despite overwhelming evidence of this challenge people still act like it doesn’t exist. People poke fun, or minimize the importance of mental health, but scream about mental health every time someone is taken from the world. It needs to be taken seriously, and taken care of.

What is the goal for you?

My main goal is to figure out myself, and create a path for myself in a way that is healthy and happy for my family and I. I don’t want to live a life dependent on money but I do want to live comfortably. In general, I would love to be able to make a difference and help people when they are feeling alone or in the dark. I know at times people feel really hopeless and let down and I want to set a reminder that people feel the same way and we should all be there for each other as a support system. (Enough serious time I also want to be the greatest pokemon master ever YAAAGGAA)

 The minute she makes this joke I break and can’t stop laughing. The fact that she can go from completely serious to completely ridiculous is so comforting. I find myself laughing not only at the joke, but at how nervous I felt when I was preparing for this interview. I’m laughing at myself for being nervous, for worrying that the real person would be different from the person on instagram, or from the Twitch streamer who will randomly stop playing a game and instead let her audience watch her bake cookies at 2am. We’ve become so used to the endless performance of content creators, that seeing someone who, it seems, is completely herself, is honestly disarming at first.

3 Breakfast must haves?

PANCAKES WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS. (All time favorite food), Roasted Potatoes or anything with potatoes, and blueberry muffins!

Describe your perfect day

Honestly, waking up on a rainy day with my significant other and Goku(my cat) . A full 8 hours of sleep.  Not having to worry about drama or struggles. Staying in binge-watching the LOTR/ Hobbit Trilogy, drinking Hot Cocoa, eating everything and anything that I can that has potatoes and corn. (I’m a mess but I'm a SLOOT for Elote). and not having to worry about work/homework assignments in college. I’m a simple lass.

Rave or mosh pit?

Considering I used to go to a lot of concerts and got used to being swiftly kicked in the head in mosh pits, now I would prefer raves mainly because it’s a more loving and sweet environment and it’s a lot more affectionate.

Top 10 songs on your playlist right now?

Sunflower- Post Malone

IDWK - Dvbbs

Girls - The 1975

Kamikaze - MO

Take me As You Please - Story So Far

In Bloom - Neck Deep

From the Outside - Real Friends

Disrespectin’ - 88Rising

Bright Pink Tims - BlackBear

Ocean - Martin Garrix / Khalid

This playlist is available through Google Play on our blog!

 What advice would you give up and coming models to help avoid scam businesses/shady photographers? - Be cautious for red flags, pay attention to their “creative” ideas such as import/lude/ implied. If they don’t allow you to bring a friend during shoots. Check in with others who may have shot with them to get their input with their experience. Also - always meet in a public area and do not shoot with them in a private area. Try to shoot outdoors first, to see how they vibe during the shoot, and FOLLOW YOUR GUT FEELING. If something is off about them, cut the shoot short.

What got you into Twitch streaming and what do you enjoy most about it?

I used to work for a shady ass stream house with 10 other girls, and those girls turned to be the sweetest and most loving girls I’ve met. Although the work itself was garbage, it was the people who worked with me who motivated and inspired me to continue twitch streaming. I met such amazing and wonderful people within that house. <3 I love being able to get personal and talk to my viewers one on one, and I love making them laugh. If you’ve watched my twitch streams, I do dance parties in onesies because I know as much as it makes me look like a fool, it makes my viewers laugh and happy, and that’s all I want for them <3

If you could live in any Studio Ghibli movie which one would you pick?

Kiki’s Delivery Service or Mary and the Witch’s Flower <3

You're very open about mental health and your struggles with it. Was that always something you were open to sharing or was there a moment where you decided to do that?

I used to shut everyone out. I bottled up all of my emotions because I grew up being afraid of them. I was told to keep my head held high and never let my guard down. Showing sadness meant a sign of weakness to me growing up, but it just felt so inhuman to me knowing people feel the same way too and I couldn’t express it. I had a really bad experience back in middle school that completely destroyed me and my mindset. It was all because of social media. It tore me down and turned me into this monster who couldn’t learn to love herself. It stressed me out and brought so much anxiety. I figured, if ever I came back to social media, it would be to help others who felt the way I did. I don’t want anyone to feel like they were alone in life. I get it, suicide hotlines and phone numbers and therapists are provided for those who feel like they want to talk to someone. But in all honesty, it’s hard to find it within myself/yourself to talk to a complete stranger about your problems. It’s better to even talk to someone who you feel like you can trust. As a young adult, I feel like it would be better if I had open arms to those who need it.

 So I have to include at least one question about FBE and I have just one, important question: when they finish filming Try Not to Eat do they give you free rein? NOPE, WE CAN’T EAT JACK SHIT AND IT MAKES ME UPSET BECAUSE IT’S THE ULTIMATE TEASE. ( I love me some honey glazed HAM)

 If you haven’t watched the Try Not To Eat Challenge videos from FBE I highly recommend them. They’re hilarious, and Michelle is in most of them.

 Do you know how dope you are?

God No. I honestly think I’m way too dorky sometimes. I like having this persona on Instagram but being able to be myself and be goofy and fun as well. I don’t like to be serious, I really don’t. But I do have a feisty side when I see something I’m not okay with. I’m not really afraid to snap back if something doesn’t feel right.

Whether she becomes a therapist, psychologist, model, or anything else Michelle is destined for even greater and more amazing heights than she’s already reached. The world could benefit from someone not only as amazing as she is, but as honest and she is. I’m excited to see what’s next for her!

-Strawberry Smirk

[xiezuo]

hi! can i request hcs for mark tuan as a dad/with a pregnant s/o? i saw ur post about jb and i loved that, so i was wondering if u could do that for mark too 💕

Masterpost | Rules | WIPs

Of course I can I love Mark so much ;-; Wow these posts do make me softWarning : strong language (like in all my posts lmao)

Mark Yien Tuan (GOT7)

That moment when you lowkey stalk an idol’s dad on Twitter to get an idea of how they’d be as a dad

Ok so I feel like Mark is always super responsible when it comes to sex (wrap it before you tap it kids !)

So if you get pregnant it’s most likely because you planned on having one

So really when you missed your period, you weren’t very surprised, in fact you were really excited

You wanted it to be a surprise so you didn’t tell him about it and bought a pregnancy test on your way back from picking up the groceries

But he knew something was going on because you were suddenly so ??? Weirdly happy and giggly ????? He knew you were planning something

Which you were

So Mark had to leave for promotions for about two weeks and you thought this would be the perfect time to do the pregnancy test without looking suspicious

And surprise surprise (not really), it’s positive !!!!!!!!

You have to refrain yourself from texting all your friends and family about it because you want Mark to be the first to know

And the day before he comes back you let him know you have a little surprise for him at home

Needless to say Mark is super excited and lowkey thinking it has something to do with stuff you do in the bedroom

So he’s a little confused when he comes home and you’re in your pajamas reading a book on the couch in the living room

And he doesn’t even notice the huge banner on top of the couch that says “welcome home dad” for a good minute or two

But when he does it takes him about 20 seconds to register the information before he’s smiling and giggling like an idiot because he’s just ???? So happy ????? He can’t wait to start a family with you

He picks up your book and throws it somewhere behind him and pulls you into a warm bear hug and doesn’t let go for 30 minutes

The first person you tell after that is Mark’s dad

You both call him on Skype to tell him the good news and lowkey Raymond is almost tearing up and so are you

Being pregnant doesn’t change much to your relationship tbh

Aside from the fact that he compliments you 198165189164 times more and calls you sexy mama constantly

You could be taking out the trash and he’d find a way to make it look like you’re a model on the runway

Really though the fact that you’re pregnant with his child is somehow really appealing to him

But other than that, Mark is pretty chill with it

Being a dad doesn’t freak him out at all and he’s confident you’ll both do an amazing job

Parenting books ? Prenatal classes ? What are those ? Mark doesn’t know

He’s a “we’ll figure things out once we get there” kind of guy

He also respects your autonomy so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you and he lets you do your things on your own

But if you ask for help because you can’t do something then he’s there in 0.2 seconds

Lowkey wishes it’s a girl but is still very and if not even happier when you find out you’re expecting a boy

And he can’t help but go into stereotypical father-son territory where he already makes plans about teaching your son how to play sports

But then catches himself and says that he’ll also teach him about arts and music if that’s what your kid’s into

I feel like he doesn’t do anything fancy to tell the boys about your pregnancy

In fact they end up finding out on their own when you’re all hanging out and you turn down the drinks they offer

And they’re like ????? You never did that before

And it’s Jackson who just assumes you’re pregnant and yells it so everyone else hears

And lowkey they’re all mad because Mark never told them but he’s just like “the subject never came up”

Because to him it’s just a normal thing that you’re pregnant

A similar thing happens when it’s time to announce to the world that you’re expecting

Like you kinda lay low when the baby bump starts showing so you and Mark are rarely seen together in public anymore, if ever

The fans are concerned and continuously ask Mark on social media

So Mark eventually decides to post an update about you on Twitter, saying everything is fine and that you’re just being careful not to put the baby in dangerous situations

Let’s just say Twitter goes wild that day

But other than that, the pregnancy goes smoothly

He makes fun of your weird cravings all the time too

Anyways

As calm as he was during the pregnancy, when it’s time to give birth it’s a whole other story

You wake him up in the middle of the night to complain about really bad cramps

And they feel nothing like the ones you’ve been experiencing for the past 9 months, this shit’s the real deal

And he’s up and ready in 2 seconds, doesn’t even take the time to get dressed, and he’s already out the door with your hospital bag in hand

Ends up coming back to help you walk to the car but he’s freaking out

Speed limit ? Stop signs ? Red lights ? What are those ? You’re thankful it’s 2AM and no one’s on the road because Mark would’ve caused accidents with his reckless driving

When you arrive at the hospital, he’s still freaking out and nearly causing a scene, nearly shouting at random nurses for help

You end up being the one having to calm him down despite being in so much pain

Eventually someone comes in and brings you to an exam room to determine if labor as begun or if you’re just experiencing Braxton Hickscontractions

Turns out you’re not and the doctor can already feel the baby’s head trying to come out

You’re rushed into the delivery room and Mark has trouble keeping up with everything

Boy does he regret not reading those books Jaebum bought for you because he has no idea what’s happening

He tries his best to stay strong for you because you’re screaming and you’re very obviously in pain

He ends up being completely useless

When morning comes he starts getting phone calls from the other members because he’s missing practice and he loses his temper and just texts them “my son is being born shut the fuck up this is more important”

30 minutes later the whole group is in the hallway in front of your room waiting for it to be over

Mark ends up joining them and by joining them I mean you end up kicking him out of the room because as much as he tries hiding the fact that he’s freaking out, he can’t, and you can’t deal with this shit while you’re pushing out a 15 lbs baby out of your vagina

After what felt like an eternity, he finally hears your baby’s cries and it just sounds like music to his ears

He comes back into the room to see this tiny little thing in your arms and his heart stops beating

You’re sweaty and panting heavily and you look like you’ve been run over by a truck but you’ve never looked so beautiful to him than in this moment

He carefully walks up to you and kneels right next to you, resting his head on the bed and stares at his son in your arms while the boys not-so-sneakily take pictures from the door frame

Mark is lowkey scared to hold him when you ask if he wants to because he’s scared he’s going to break him

But once he holds your son into his arms he doesn’t want to let go

And he shamelessly shows him off to the other boys like “look at this beautiful little thing that I made, isn’t he the most handsome boy you’ve ever seen in your life”

He will forever deny it but he cried when the little boy reached out to touch his face

But the honeymoon cuts short after you bring him home

Not really but Mark is the parent who keeps track of whose turn it is to get up to take care of the baby when he starts crying in the middle of the night

Which is every two hours for the first 6 months, at least

And his job doesn’t allow him to take long breaks so he never really stop doing idol things after your son is born, but he makes sure he’s never away from home for too long at once

If he has to leave the country for a long time, he insists on bringing you both along with him

Wants your son to have a great relationship with his grandparents so once your son grows a bit older, he travels a lot to L.A. with him so he can spend some time with Papa and Mama Tuan

I can see Papa Tuan tweeting about his grandson a lot whenever he visits, never missing an opportunity to roast Mark by making it look like your son is already better than him at everything

The fans love it because it’s so cute

As a dad, I feel like Mark is really chill and he respects your son’s opinions, personality and most importantly his privacy

I feel like he’s also very open to talk about anything to him and always answers his questions no matter how many he’s asking

And he’s very honest with him

6-year-old son : “Dad, how are babies made ?”

Mark : “Babies happen when a man and a woman have unprotected sex”

6-year-old son : “What’s sex ?”

You, shouting from the other room : “Something you should only do with someone you love after you marry them !!!!!!”

Mark : *dies of laughter* “Funny you say that since we we weren’t married when—”

You : “Finish that sentence and I’ll make sure marriage never happens”

I also feel like Mark would try his best to make sure he never witnesses when you guys are fighting

And you both mutually agreed that if there’s something that needs to be talked about, it has to be done in private with the doors closed and no shouting

He also doesn’t hold back with the affection he gives you when your son is around so he can grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looks like

I feel like he’s all in for your son experiencing life on his own but he does have some boundaries that if your son happens to cross, things aren’t gonna be so pretty

But your son has so much respect for his dad that the idea of testing his limits never really crosses his mind

In his teenage years your son thinks Mark is embarrassing but literally all his friends think he’s really cool

Mark will forever stay young at heart so it’s easy for him to connect to his son’s friends

Overall Mark would be an amazing dad, and if he ever has problems I feel like he wouldn’t hesitate to ask his own dad for advice

[mind-the-margin]

That Night

This year has been a bit of a brutal awakening for me. Up until now, I’ve kind of bumbled through life, tripping over my own feet and keeping quiet and getting the fuck on with all the hard shit. I was woken, rather rudely in May.

Now, I’ll warn you that there’s quite a bit of doom and gloom, although maybe not as much death as I would have liked. My humour is dark to reflect the utter void that exists in place of soul but hey ho!

I don’t quite know where I should begin so I’ll just start somewhere in the middle and fumble around in the dark- as I am used to.

On 25 May 2018 at approximately 11pm I consumed 100 aspirin tablets. I wasn’t thinking straight but the only conviction I had was that I did not wish to live. I did not want to live. That wasn’t the first instance that I had planned my death, but it was the first time I had actually gone through with it. To be honest, some part of me must have realised that it wouldn’t be my only attempt because I had bought a shit load of other drugs as well. (All perfectly legal I feel I must stress.)

This story is equally about my first and most pathetic love as it is about me. See, I told this person, let’s call him Bob, at about 12am that I had overdosed and that I was dying. Bob decided he was tired of hearing about death, so he simply turned off his phone and went to sleep.

My naivety coupled with my unconditional love for Bob led me to the belief that he was maybe driving to come see me. That he was so desperately worried for me that he loved me, and he would show it. Poor Alisha, I was so horribly wrong.

At around 2am I realised that I was dying. My ears were ringing so loud it felt like they were weeping blood. My eyes were weeping themselves and I had thrown up a little. I remember that the last time I ate was a Kinder Bueno- what a beautiful last taste. Months later, I cannot bear to eat the chocolate without feeling nauseous, although this may also be attributed to the fact that it was mine and Bob’s “thing”.

Fuck Bob- I feel that it is important to stress how much I wish I could hate him for that night.

My head was spinning both clockwise and anti-clockwise. I could not stand up straight. I don’t know how but I made it down the hallway and knocked on my friend’s door. She opened up and asked me what was wrong, I was trembling from head to toe. I thrust the empty pill bottle into her hands. She asked me what was wrong, I told her I had taken the whole bottle.

I remember crying on her floor, realising that death was ugly and that I didn’t want to go out this way. I remember feeling so hopeless and so so lost. I was so lost. Overwhelmingly so. I had my phone clutched by me, so sure he would call or text or do something, anything.

I don’t remember much but I remember how much the silence twisted uncomfortably in my stomach like the jagged edge of a dagger.

We got to the hospital at around 3am, all thanks to A and none to the two ambulances that never arrived. I remember I needed shoes and F got them from my room but in my daze I was only fixated on wanting my trainers. What a strange thing to be focused on when your insides are screaming at the havoc you’ve wrought, when you’re dying.

We were sat in A&E for ages. I threw up a lot. Sorry to both A and F who had to witness that and the countless strangers in the waiting area. I remember seeing an emergency doctor and she kept asking me what happened. My mind was so convoluted, I could understand her but it was like I had forgotten how to speak. I had been on the verge of passing out for about an hour and I was focusing on staying awake.

They took my bloods and my blood sugar, and I was fed some anti-nausea medicine through a drip. I was taken to the recess area where several doctors monitored me, I had 32 grams of aspirin in my bloodstream. It was 6am I think, when F left. I was so tired but I couldn’t sleep and I was so exhausted after being grilled by everyone.

I texted Bob, I told him it would be best if we broke up. I was still in the danger-zone. The full extent of the danger I was in was probably best realised by my friends. I was still texting and acting normal, even when they did not know whether I would live, or whether my organs would fail, or my heart would give up or I would internally bleed.

Sometimes, I wish I had given my phone to A so she could’ve explained it all to Bob in a way he would have realised the gravity of the situation.

He didn’t come. I begged him and still he didn’t come. He didn’t call. He aired all of my calls. I think the girl he claimed to have loved died that night. I died that night. Even afterwards, when his excuses had ran out he did not come.

He said a lot of things in anger, things I do not know why I had already forgiven him for. I was in the hospital for 5 days. I missed him, I couldn’t sleep and I cried at night when I thought the nurses were not watching me. Everyone in the hospital was awfully nice to me, I guess they all knew why I was there. It felt like there was this constant itch I couldn’t scratch, but in some ways it was nice.

Amna stayed with me until Sunday night I think, until the doctors were sure I was out of danger. I was very much out of it for the first 3 days or so. I remember waking up really groggy and seeing my friends at the foot of my bed. The doctors had tried to convince me to tell my parents but I was adamant they couldn’t know. They still don’t know.

This is the worst secret I have had to keep.

My friends called, the few that I had told. And some came to see me. I was very weak and just tired of life. I felt grimy holed up in that hospital. The irony doesn’t escape me.

I went home after having had a psych evaluation. The Crisis team had arranged to meet me very few days to make sure I wouldn’t try offing myself again. I was on bed rest for a week but it only lasted a few days before my impatience and the monotony made me feel insane.

I never know how to end whenever I tell people about this. People tend to ask, “do you regret it?” or want me to express my newfound desire to live. I’d be lying if I said either of those things, and I often lie so people would just leave me alone. The truth is that recovery is not that simple and healing is not pretty. It’s not scented candles and journal entries. It’s more like burning pictures of Bob (this only happened once but I kind of want to redo it since I think he deserves worse). It’s crying at 3am and being unable to sleep; it’s antidepressants that make you numb as fuck; it’s breaking down when you remember that night again and again; it’s feeling so fucking lost, like you’ve lost everything.

I lost a lot of people, my first love being one of those. But the person who cared most is the one that left the biggest loss, me. I lost myself and I don’t know whether I’ve even managed to gather all my pieces and tape them together yet, but I know that there so many pieces that are missing.

I’ve been getting bad again lately. And fake friends don’t really help so I cut everyone off and deactivated a lot of my social media. But you know what? As much as I am afraid of never completing myself, of never recovering fully. I know that I’m the most important person in my life. And I don’t need people like Bob to have my back because those kinds of people are only ever invested in themselves and all they do is take and take.

All I’ve done for the longest time is give and give and give until my rivers run dry and I am left to die thirsty. I am done giving. I am done crossing oceans for people who would not even cross a puddle for me.

[landoftheoutsiders]

So I figured I would do an experiment on myself. I was already planning on doing a stream of conscious type thing tonight to try to figure out what some of the thoughts were that went through my head regarding my eating disorder... then I thought: but what if we added food? So. I have officially consumed an appropriate meal. There were many breaks, and holy fuck I haven’t been this bloated or in pain from food since being in a meal group (I’m also going to actually die if/when I try meal group again) while in treatment. I have walked my dog, smoked my two cigarettes, and I plan on being uninterrupted for the next hour or so. This, so far, is a bad idea... hopefully it won’t get any worse. This is completely unfiltered, so now is your chance to look away if you are triggered easily.

     First of all, I’m getting weighed tomorrow and this is not part of my weigh-in ritual. So I’m freaking out. I feel like most people that aren’t supposed to be losing weight who have weigh-ins regularly actually want to be heavier than they are. For some reason, I want to know what my actual weight is, and I would prefer for it to keep going down. (Also, kind of random, but I’m mad at how my Spotify put on Paint Me Black by Ben Hazlewood, and this is the verse that I just heard, “Stuck in my eye line is my one goal to make me happy, it's time that you go. I know I'm starving but I'll fill my hunger, I'll come alive and bring the thunder.” I hate everything.) Anyways, uh, so rituals before weigh-ins. I don’t eat usually around 24 hours beforehand. So I’m already panicking. I know my weight is going to be higher than what it was the week before, and I should be at the very least okay with that, but I’m not. I’m also pissed off at the fact I’m drinking soda because I normally only drink coffee or water. My “cheat drinks” are the ones I get from Starbucks, which I’m sure has more calories than a soda does, but I’m not in as much pain afterwards, and they help me feel better if I haven’t eaten that day. Basically, I don’t eat 24 hours beforehand, and I don’t drink anything until I go in the day of. I want it to be only my body weight without food or water weighing it down. I’m not even allowed to know my weight anymore, and I still do this shit which doesn’t make any sense, whatsoever. 

      I could have done all of this tonight. Crashy has been asleep since a solid 6pm, and my social media is actually fairly quiet. There was no one to make me eat tonight which is rare. I was definitely planning on it after last night too. Crashy and I went to go see Infinity War, and beforehand, he asked me if I had eaten that day. I was already laying down, so I ignored him and pretended to be asleep. Thought I was home free. So we go see the movie, I’m an emotional wreck because I wasn’t prepared to see anything that happened. I was crying and whisper-screaming no frantically at the screen. We were all a tragic mess in that theatre. We’re walking out to go to the car, and Crashy states that we’re going to Cookout. I asked him why. He asked if I had eaten that day (mind you, its almost 2am at this point), and FOR SOME REASON, just like George Washington, I cannot fucking tell a lie when it comes to this damned disorder. So now after the emotional roller coaster of Infinity War, we’re going to Cookout. I was in full panic mode, and I only got a cheeseburger, removed one of the buns, and asked if Crashy could put something on so I could at least be distracted. What comes on? The Office. Safe, right? Nope. It was the weightloss episode. And all I hear as I’m about to take a bite is Darryl saying, “y’all need to learn some portion control,” and Dwight saying, “Oh wait, Pam is on the scale,” then Michael saying, “We would love your extra poundage, but...” and I’m internally screaming. Thankfully Crashy saw the humour in it and changed the episode, but fuck me. So I wait until we’re almost home before I start eating so I can immediately get out of the car to smoke. 

     Eating has just gotten so hard recently. Like, my really disordered moments haven’t happened as often as they have recently in a while. Earlier this week, Tree and I went to go talk to Dr. B to talk to her about her book she wrote. She let us read the rough draft, and naturally we had questions. Afterwards, Tree and I waited for one of her friends to come to group so we could say hey and leave, but we ran by Starbucks first. I wasn’t planning on eating that day, but she had to and I felt like I’d be a shitty friend if I didn’t eat that day too (logic isn’t the greatest here, but hey, I’m eating). We get to the speaker in the drive thru and she orders my protein box that is a semi-safe 350 calories. I can attempt to do that. (Mind you, this is the same meal that led me to call Pink the week prior to tell him that my eating disorder was in fact, “that bad” and I should probably try to go to meal groups). They didn’t have my protein box. Instant relief. Then the lady says that they have some other protein box. Instant panic. The first thing that falls out of my mouth is, “how many calories are in it?” I asked Tree several times, and she wasn’t asking the barista, so I did, and there are 580 calories in it. The barista asks if I still wanted it, and I’m speechless trying to do calculus in my head to figure out what on earth was making it that high, and before I could say no, Tree said that I would take it. What is the first thing I do when I receive my box? I put it in the floorboard. I carried it out to the parking lot where we met Tree’s friend, and it stayed on the ground for a solid 20-30 minutes before I realized that I should probably eat it at the treatment center where I had people around me, otherwise, I wouldn’t have eaten it. I couldn’t bear the thought of eating it the way it came, so I went inside to the kitchen before groups got out to wipe off all of the sauces and roasted tomatoes while praying that a therapist wouldn’t walk in on what I was doing. Once I fixed my sandwich, we went back outside and maybe 30 more minutes passed until we started the process of eating. I had my box and Tree had her goldfish which was a lovely appetizer before her dinner. After finishing, I really had the urge to purge. This is something that has been slightly concerning, but I’ve just never brought it up because I physically can’t... but there have been so many times where I have tried over and over again, relentlessly, but my reflex just won’t let me do it. So I end up sitting next to the toilet angry with a few tears, frustrated because I can’t even do that right. But that day I found myself in the hallway with the perfect opportunity to attempt. Reluctantly, I decided to try, and then one of the therapists came around the corner and scared the shit out of me. Instantly changed my mind lol. 

     We left right before the group after dinner started, and I was in a really dark spot. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, this disorder would always have a grip on me, and I was going to be like this until the day I died--constantly fighting thoughts telling me I shouldn’t be eating. I mentioned this to Tree and her friend before we left. Tree reminded me that Recovered (a therapist there) had an eating disorder. She and I have often talked about picking Recovered’s brain about what its like to work with eating disorders, how she handles it, etc. So I decided I’d ask the question that had been circling my brain for the past hour: does it ever actually get better or even just easier? Surprisingly, but not really, she said that it does get easier. I’m not surprised because it honestly makes sense that it would get easier as long as I kept fighting for recovery, but I think I was surprised at how much it comforted me to hear from someone who knows what its like to be inside my brain say that. It helped, but I was still in a dark place, so I went to go look at things for my new apartment and to look at all of the cute animals in Petco. I really want a saltwater tank, so I talked to one of the associates for almost 30 minutes about salt tanks and the types of fish there are, etc. It was nice to have a non-eating disorder related conversation. Still though, my brain wasn’t really in a better place, so I decided to go to Target. My other happy place. Long story short, I have razors again. I gave my stuff up to Pink a while ago. 

     That was one of the hardest things I think I’ve done in therapy. I’ve given up razors before, but I’ve always kept the one. It was like a reminder of what I’ve gone through. It was like my scale. I took it everywhere. It was in my wallet. It was always there just in case. Fuck. I missed having it. I missed the feeling. So I bought more. I have a whole pack now. I haven’t done anything yet, but they’re there. This is one reason why I’m planning on getting a tattoo soon because I need that feeling. It feels the exact same way. 

     Speaking of things I miss, I was looking through old pictures on my laptop a week or two ago. We’re talking about the laptop from high school at the peak of my eating disorder. This piece of technology has allll of my old thinspo pictures from the several collections I had on my phone. Then I found my body checks. Honestly. I think that the body check pictures fucked me up more than the thinspo did. Some of the stuff I’ll reblog on here, I’ll think to when I used to be that size. Its weird looking at pictures like that now because before I thought I’d never make it, and now that I have and I think about what it was like being at that weight, I feel bad for the person in the picture because I know how much they’re hurting (to an extent of course), but I also cant help but to miss it for myself. I took pictures of the pictures to show Pink if he asked what pictures I was talking about. When I was explaining what time period was that the pictures were taken, you could just see the “oh fuck” expression come across his face lol. Not that I was happy to see him at that emotion, but you have to find the humour in the mess or else I’d be more depressed than I already am. 

     Speaking of Pink though, I was definitely going to show him this because I figured that it would be helpful for him to get a glimpse of me being vulnerable for once, but now I’m not so sure to be honest. I feel like this will get me put back in iop or php because fuck did we get dark. 

     Back to the picture thing though, I think the thing that fucked me up the most was that in the beginning, I remember promising myself that I’d stop when I could see my collar bones, then my hip bones, then it got out of hand, and before I knew it, I caught a glimpse of being able to see every vertebrae in my spine and every rib from my ribcage if I bent down. I remember going to my best friend at the time, Chrisley, and completely panicking. Why didn’t he tell me that I was that small, why didn’t anyone tell me? Why did people just ask if I had lost weight? Of fucking course I had. Why couldn’t I see the weight loss? Why did I still look like I did when I started losing weight? Nothing made sense at that moment. And somehow, the torture I had done to my body still wasn’t enough. You’d think that a person would remember all of those feelings and those feelings would keep them from making the same mistake. I have completely convinced myself that I will be okay with hitting 100. Oh, and thats because I got close to 110 and quickly realized that wasn’t enough. The fucked up part is that I’ll have a “normal day of eating” (meaning I’ll eat one meal... maybe two) and convince myself that I don’t have an eating disorder, or my disorder isn’t that bad. Same thing if I gain weight. God, it feels like it creates a physical sense of ambivalence deep within me. I fear I’m wasting Pink’s time, but I also haven’t fully made the decision to go back into my disorder completely. For some reason that physically hurts to even type, let alone verbalize. I’ve said it only once to Tree, and then later that night I found myself throwing up at a bar because I drank too much to numb out the thought that I may be falling back into my eating disorder completely. 

     I think I have a problem of letting people go/accepting when people leave my life--even in a professional setting. I get attached. There was one session where Pink made the comment where he said something among the lines of, “do you think that working with me is still helpful?” I remember feeling my walls quickly build up around me and getting really upset because he said that he wouldn’t give up on me (like several others in my past have... both therapists and friends), and in that moment, I heard that he was done trying to help me. We talked about it last week I think and that isn’t what he meant at all, and thats fine, but then I wondered if I was wasting his time or not, and it sent me into a tailspin. There was something I wrote down when I was still in iop, and it was in my gigantic “fuck you” letter to my eating disorder. The line was, “I’d do anything to get rid of you, but simultaneously do everything to keep you.” Ambivalence is a bitch. My eating disorder is one of the most comforting things because it has never left me, but it has fucked me over so many times and has ruined so much. Not just for me, but for my friends as well. I mean hell. One of them I’m terrified to wake up hearing that she’s killed herself, the other I’m concerned about her kidneys failing, and there are several who have just disappeared and won’t answer any texts or calls. I miss hearing from them. I hate watching us slowly waste away. I completely understand where they’re at though, and I don’t always want recovery for myself, but I do want it for them--but I know thats how they feel about me. Its just a fuckshow, and now my head hurts and I need a cigarette. 

Anyways, I’m going to go play around on my guitar for once. I haven’t touched her in about a week. I did finally get a name for her though. Jackie. Its actually the name of my grandma who passed away almost two years ago. She was a crazy motherfucker that my parents keep telling me I remind them of. I don’t know if thats a good or bad thing, but underneath the crazy was a heart of gold, so I’ll take it as a compliment. Sorry its been so long. I’ve been avoiding almost everything for the past month and a half. My thoughts included.

--Rian Dianna