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chocotonez · 1 year

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stray kids with a dyslexic s/o

a/n: praying my research was enough for this, please let me know if any of these descriptions are harmful/rude/inaccurate :,)

warnings/genre: reader can be insecure about capabilities, fluff w angst if you squint, g/n reader, hopefully somewhat accurate portrayals of dyslexia, but please let me know if any of these are disrespectful in any way <3

chan

-most accommodating towards your dyslexia, but like not in a patronizing way

-it’s just because most of what can be helpful is just second nature to him, like breaking down information into smaller pieces or writing large, reading things out loud like a dad at a grocery store, etc etc

-if you’re speech habits are affected by your dyslexia, he’ll always help you talk through your thoughts

-and if u ever feel insecure he’ll always reassure you and help you through it!! proofreading ur essays/emails, promising you’re never a bother or stupid, and he will literally never make fun of you for misreading/misspelling/missaying something

-it’s not really a massive deal to him, it just comes w the territory yknow?? he loves you for who you are, so he doesn’t really care to make it a major thing!!

-rather than seeing u as a dyslexic person, he just sees you as a person who has dyslexia ?? I hope that makes sense,, he just constantly reminds you on your strengths and what truly defines your capabilities

-but sometimes he does giggle a little if you make your phone font really large, but ONLY because it looks silly he swears <333

lee know

-I think at first he might struggle with it, especially if you two live together or are around each other a lot

-gets over it pretty quickly though, but I think he can be a little insensitive to the more emotional side of dyslexia?? like, he’ll forget you can feel insecure at times or you might have difficulties expressing something, so he’ll just be like “what”

-not in a cold way, just he sometimes forgets how to react

-doesn’t coddle you that much, if you need help he trusts you’ll seek him out of your own volition because the last thing he wants to do is make you feel incapable of being independent

-I think sends voice memos over texting already anyways, just finds it more convenient, but if you have auditory/processing issues he’ll literally transcribe his voice message to u

-it’s just about communication between you two, he doesn’t want to assume you need to be accommodated and it can make him seem kinda cold/avoidant about your dyslexia, esp if ur more sensitive??

-just reach out to him or he like “hey can you…” and he’ll immediately help you out in any way he can

changbin

-he doesn’t want to make you feel like you can’t be independent, but he’s very observant and attentive if you ever struggle/need something (he’s definitely mistaken you zoning out as being unable to process something a few too many times, but he’s trying)

-he uses google a lot for resources so sometimes he can be a little bit uninformed such as the time he asked if there’s “dyslexia glasses” he can get for you

-apologizes x100 if he ever asks you a disrespectful question, it’s not that he does it on purpose, but sometimes he’s just very curious but also very misinformed LMAO

-more emotionally accommodating, always encourages you and makes you feel better if any of your colleagues/peers look down on you

-puts a lot of effort in seeing your perspective and understanding your feelings, he thinks the way you feel because of your dyslexia is a lot more important than you being able to read a grocery list

-but if you tell him otherwise, he won’t hesitate to go and research into being more physically accommodating!! he never wants you to feel badly, especially if it’s from him doting on you just a touch too much

hyunjin

-very neutral on it?? not because he doesn’t care but more because he thinks it’s a bit strange to coddle you and baby you over dyslexia

-finds it uncomfortable when people give backhanded comments, even if unintentional, so he doesn’t want to patronize you or make you feel that way either

-but he’ll definitely look into helping a partner with dyslexia, or writing out a schedule for you in his neatest handwriting to help you organize your day (he makes the words pretty colors), or even just how to comfort you if your dyslexia ever gets in the way of anything

-would never tease you though unless he knew with 100% confidence you’d be okay with it, wouldn’t want even a sliver of insecurity to be caused by him

-similarly to changbin, he won’t go out of his way unless he notices you struggling, but this applies emotionally as well

-sometimes he can just know if you’re getting frustrated or struggling, so he’ll walk over and look at what you’re trying to write or read and help the best he can while reassuring you on your abilities :>

-it’s v nice especially if one of your symptoms is struggling with expression of feelings, as somehow he always just knows <3 but if he ever gets it wrong or makes you feel bad, he made you pinky promise to tell him so he can be a better boyfriend for u!!

han

-he probably accidentally patronized you a lot early on, because he didn’t really know how else to help you

-it was a bit overbearing, so once you told him that “yes I can read my texts on my own” he tones it down x90000, because ur a grown adult who just has dyslexia

-will always go out of his way to ask you if you ever need help with anything though, he doesn’t want to make you wait to reach out, or wait for him to notice

-also he because he might fail to notice if you’re having problems, especially in public or maybe at dinner with friends when ur fighting with a menu

-so he doesn’t want you to suffer in silence!! so he tries his best to help you in a respectful manner, and does a lot of research and reading into dyslexia

-likes to show off fun facts he learned, like naming off 12 recognized categories of dyslexia and ur just like ???

-“very cool babe!” -you after he somehow remembered an entire neurohealth article but didn’t notice you struggling with the grocery list he wrote out

felix

-he’s so patient and loving with you, and very empathetic

-he’s somehow a really good balance of knowing how to treat you or help you, or when you just need some time to think things through

-always reminds you of your intellectual capabilities or strengths, especially if he notices you getting nervous in situations where dyslexia might get in the way

-holds your hand but very loosely, like the others he really doesn’t want you to feel babied or a lack of independence

-but he’s so understanding if you sorta need that reassurance and accommodations, and he’s so incredibly patient and understanding about it as well

-but he’s still felix so if you’re 100% comfortable with him poking a bit of fun at you, just know he’ll recite that one Bella Thorn anti-bullying dyslexia ad LMAO

seungmin

-looks a lot into it to know what to do, but doesn’t go out of his way to make accommodations/alter lifestyle choices for you unless needed

-true neutral

-ur his s/o and you have dyslexia, cool, it doesn’t bother him unless it bothers you

-he can be kinda mean when it comes to your feelings though, might make a joke that’s a bit too far, but just let him know

-and if you struggle with expressing yourself, let him know and he’ll shut down any behaviors that might make you feel insecure

-sends you reminders to help you organize your schedule, makes sure to speak clearly and never gets annoyed if you need him to repeat/rewrite/read something out for you

-but other than that, it’s just another aspect to your relationship. he’ll never see it as a downside, and he loves you always <3 if you tell him he’s not doing enough, he’ll change, if you complain about a colleague clowning on you, he’ll go hire a hitman

jeongin

-“lol bella thorn”

-if you’re comfortable with it, he has a very playful approach to your dyslexia, making light jokes while you do the same

-if he asks you to wash the dishes or like go grab something, you’ll always respond with “is it because I have dyslexia 😞”

-honestly he does sometimes go a bit far with helping you out, exaggerating his writing to a point it seems ridiculous or speaking slowly like you’re a baby

-he’ll take it so seriously though if you ever express your discomfort with his actions, and he’ll always remember how you feel about certain things or if you struggled with anything in particular

-his search history,,,is a bit funny. ur not really sure how helpful a wikihow article from 2013 will be in regards to “reading to your dyslexic lover in dim lighting”, but you’re very impressed with not only the length of the article but also how jeongin practically has one for almost every single situation in which dyslexia might hinder you

-will still occasionally clown you for writing “if life gives you melons” one time though

#i love u anon but this is not proofread #I just prayed and hit post so sorry xoxo #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #stray kids scenarios #stray kids x reader #stray kids headcanons #stray kids blurbs #this was so repetitive I’m sorry LMAO #if any of this was insensitive I’ll rewrite it immediately

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faebriel · 3 years

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ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

#ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS. LMFAO #asks #thespoonisvictory #dvd commentary #< i have successfully coerced a discord server into doing the dvd commentary on a regular basis and it is the BEST thing

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lesbeet · 3 years

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Have you seen the latest discourse about if ADHD would exist under communism? I know you've talked about it before and I'm curious what your take is!

oy dfjlksjdf yes i’ve seen it, and as usual i think it’s a matter of people talking past each other more than anything else (at least from the posts i’ve seen)

i could be wrong, but my interpretation of the conversation is basically that the Communists (idk if this is even an accurate distinction bc i don’t necessarily think the “other side” is anticommunist? but ykwim) are trying to discuss the nature of “disorders”/disability in general, and how it’s a societal structure that designates people as either Able To Be Exploited By Capitalism or Unable To Be Exploited By Capitalism—in other words, if we took capitalism out of the equation and really examined what’s considered a disability vs what isn’t, it would seem like a pretty arbitrary line to draw. not because the underlying physical/neurological conditions would cease to exist, but because much of what is considered “abnormal” or “disordered” etc would not cause distress bc of a struggle to operate within the narrow and rigid confines of being “Normal” as determined by capitalism

the opposition, from what i’ve seen, seems to be, yes, less familiar with these ideas/maybe not as well-read on the topic, and are basically saying “okay, but even if a lot of my ‘symptoms’ wouldn’t cause me distress under capitalism, there are others that will—i’ll probably still struggle to feed myself, whether that’s bc i forget to eat, or i have trouble preparing food for myself, etc”

and then rather than trying to explain themselves further most of the Communists are like “under communism someone else can feed you <3 read a book <3″ which is....not at all helpful lmfao

like first off i think that’s such a bad-faith response to a bad-faith reading of these people’s concerns, and second, while nobody is obligated to educate other people etc etc, at a certain point i think that if you’re gonna make posts about stuff like this you’re kind of inviting a conversation, right? and it’s not really a conversation if the only people you’ll engage with in good faith are the ones who already agree with you.

i think the other side came across as defensive, certainly, but it’s not difficult to see where that comes from—people w adhd (among many many other things obviously, but this conversation seemed to be primarily about adhd) are used to being ignored or patronized or treated as if we don’t understand our own experiences, we’re told that our struggles don’t exist, etc. and it looked like a lot of the Communists have experienced/do experience the same thing in their real lives or whatever, so i’m not really sure why there’s such a lack of understanding and compassion on their part

so basically they’re talking about two different things. one side is saying that “people with adhd” (or, more broadly, “people with disabilities”) as a distinct category of people would not exist under communism, and the other side is saying “sure, but that doesn’t mean all of my adhd symptoms will magically disappear” and the first side is saying “but none of it will matter, dummies! you don’t understand communism!” which again, is not helpful!

and because they’re really talking about two different issues, i kind of agree and disagree with both sides. i’m fully on board with the idea that disability a distinction/class/etc would not exist under communism (ideally we’d have individualized medicine/care anyway imo), that adhd as a diagnosis wouldn’t be useful, and also that many adhd symptoms that can be completely debilitating in our current society would cause us significantly less distress, especially in our external lives

that being said....there is a neurological component to adhd which would still exist under communism. i’ll still probably struggle to have conversations without spacing out and/or taking over and not being able to get myself to shut up, which would still cause problems in my personal relationships with people. i would still probably struggle with organization and getting myself to do tasks which don’t interest me, etc. and even though i trust that the Communist Side is well aware of this, "someone else will do it!” seems like a ridiculous answer to me bc like...i have to assume that some level of personal responsibility will still exist lol

and i saw someone say "nobody's saying your individual symptoms wouldn't exist at all under communism" -- except i literally HAVE seen people say exactly that lmao

but anyways it's tough bc first of all, we were all raised in the same capitalist hellscape that made it purposely ultra difficult to imagine our lives without it, and second of all, despite knowing that there's not really a material basis for adhd as a distinct Disorder™, for a lot of people (myself included) even having the label makes a difference. like my life genuinely changed when i started looking into adhd and when i got the diagnosis and started taking meds etc, but mostly it was the sheer relief that there wasn't just something fundamentally and irreparably Wrong with me that meant i would have to slog through the rest of my life, struggling and unsatisfied with no recourse yknow?

and that can be dangerous because a lot of people don't exercise critical thinking like.... ever. but i feel like i understand myself well enough and know enough about adhd (at least based on the research currently out there) to be able to think through like, how my different symptoms manifest, how similar symptoms from other disorders i have manifest, how adhd in general affects the way i function, etc, which means it's slightly easier for me to parse like...what would still be a problem without capitalism and what wouldn't

so yeah like. without capitalism, adhd wouldn't exist, and while the biological basis for adhd WOULD still exist, there would (hopefully) be structures in place to manage or alleviate much of the distress that comes with those symptoms, which wouldn't be viewed as symptoms at all because they wouldn't be considered Disordered, yknow?

so like ultimately i agree w the Communist Side in this particular discussion (not shocking since i'm a communist lol) but i think the way the whole conversation has been approached is counterproductive and doesn't actually help people to understand what they're missing lol

#anonymous #answered

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thechildoflightning · 4 years

Text

Interlude

Title: Interlude

Fandom: Sander Sides

Pairings: platonic loceit, background LAMP/CALM

part of the jksf verse

~~~

Summary:

Logan wasn't sure he understood Deceit, hadn’t really gotten the chance to know him quite yet, but he was determined to try, which meant him and Deceit needed to talk.

Showing up randomly at Deceit’s apartment wasn't exactly the way Logan had been planning to go about that conversation, but here he was anyways.

Warnings: Snakes, Scars (mentioned), Abuse (past, mentioned), Manipulation (past, mentioned)

[ao3 link]

~~~

Interlude

Logan wasn’t sure what to think about Deceit. On one hand, the man seemed well-intentioned. On the other, he had tormented Virgil for years. But Virgil seemed to trust him- or at the very least was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Which Logan could understand. After all wasn’t he doing the same thing with his own parents?

His own parents hadn’t physical hurt him, not like Deceit had done to Virgil, but Logan’s parents had actually had the maturity and responsibility of making their own decisions, and they had made decisions that hurt Logan. Deceit didn't have that choice, both due to being a minor in addition to the manipulation and abuse he had undergone.

For Logan it was suffering. For Deceit it was survival. It was important that Logan didn’t forget the significant distinction.

It boiled down to the fact that Deceit didn’t have a choice, while Logan’s parents did. Logan had attempted to reconnect and rebuild with his own parents. He would do so much more for Virgil, including- but not limited to- trying to get to know and understand what was possibly the only positive connection Virgil had to his childhood.

Which was why Logan was currently standing outside Deceit’s apartment door.

There was a note on the door, requesting that he used the doorbell, so Logan reached over and pressed it, preparing himself for the upcoming interaction.

His choice to visit Deceit had been a sudden impulsive decision, which was completely out of character for Logan. He didn’t do things like this. He didn’t show up at people’s doors with no warning. It wasn’t his routine. He was all about preparations and planning, and here he was, completely ignoring that.

It made him shift from heel to toe and wring his hands uncomfortably as a sense of wrongness filled his body. Logically, he knew why he had come to talk to Deceit, but he couldn’t for the life of him understand why he had chosen now of all times.

The door swung open.

Deceit casually leaned against the doorframe, regarding Logan carefully.

“Uh- Logan, right?” Deceit tried to confirm.

Logan nodded.

Deceit nodded in return.

Logan opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He tried again. Nothing.

It was like his vocal cords had emptied. They were open, and they were clear, but the words just wouldn’t come out. His throat was a gaping cave with nothing but wind coming through.

Shit. Not now. Logan made a little frustrated noise and grasped his hands tightly, allowing his fingers to dig into his palms, just hard enough to feel, but not hard enough to break skin or cause much pain.

“Logan?” Deceit said.

Logan nodded and made another frustrated noise, wishing his voice would work. (It didn’t).

Deceit shifted a bit at the door, before nodding his head and stepping a bit to the side.

“Do you want to come in?” Deceit offered.

Not knowing what else to do, Logan nodded and slipped past Deceit to enter the apartment.

Deceit led them over to a table in the kitchen and took a seat, allowing Logan to do the same. Logan sat and stared at the table, lifting a hand to trail and follow the lines in it.

“Uh,” Deceit started, seeming at a loss for words.

Logan could understand that, considering he was in a similar position. He ached for the PECS binder he had just begun to use again. It helped a lot during nonverbal episodes like this one.

“Logan, not that I mind you being here, I mean, you’re welcome to visit, but- well, why are you here?”

Logan said nothing.

Which was the worst, because he wanted to say something. He wanted to talk to Deceit. He wanted to explain that he wasn’t sure he trusted him yet and wanted to get to know him. Wanted to not be so uncomfortable around him. Wanted to trust him.

But he couldn’t talk.

His brain was working overdrive attempting to catch up to Logan’s change in routine by making this random visit. But it wasn’t catching up fast enough, resulting in his speech cutting out completely. So now Logan was stuck, unable to talk, in a situation where he didn’t have someone who understood exactly what was going on. An understanding that he had gotten used to over the last few years.

He sighed and pulled out his phone, opening it to the notes app. Generally, typing wasn’t much better for him because it took energy that he didn’t have at the moment. It was what had finally convinced him to get a new PECS binder in the first place.

He typed quickly, each letter painful, before sliding the phone over to Deceit.

-can’t talk-

Deceit looked at it, frowned, and slid it back.

“Okay,” he said, “Uh, did- did you want to talk?”

Logan nodded.

He thought he should probably leave, come back another time when he had actually planned this out and his brain wasn’t as tired.

He didn’t move.

“Okay,” Deceit said, “Well we can do not talking. That’s fine.”

Logan stared at the table and gritted his teeth, hating himself a little bit.

“Hey, do you like snakes?” Deceit asked him abruptly.

Logan didn’t lift his head, but gave a tiny shrug. Objectively, snakes were cool, but Logan had never actually interacted with them before.

“Well, I have two. Want to meet them?” Deceit asked.

Logan shrugged again, but added a nod for good measure. Why not? It wasn’t like they were going to be doing much talking anyways.

Deceit gestured towards two tanks and started walking towards that. Logan pulled his shoulders tight and followed.

Descent out a hand above one of the tanks.

“This is Guildenstern,” he said. He moved his hand, holding it above the other rank. “And this is Rosencrantz.”

Those were Shakespeare names, right? Logan couldn’t quite remember where the names came from but he was almost positive they were in some Shakespearean play. He had to have either read it in high school or heard Roman talk about it when planning Shakespeare in the Park.

Logan shifted onto his toes and bounced a little, trying to desperately remember. When nothing same to mind, he made a little huff of displeasure. He had to know. He wanted to know.

So Logan pulled out his phone and typed in a single word before shoving it in Deceits direction.

Deceit mouthed the word the word with a frown.

“Names?” Deceit eventually voiced out loud, seemingly unable to puzzle out what Logan was asking.

Logan nodded.

“I just told you their names.”

Logan nodded once more.

Deceit stared at him for a minute, before his whole face lit up.

“Oh, did you want to know about the names?”

Logan nodded eagerly.

“Oh. Cool. Yeah. Okay so Guildenstern and Rosencratz are two characters from Shakespeare’s Hamlet.”

Logan had been right, they were Shakespeare.

“But they’re minor characters. Before this guy, Tom Stoppard, actually decided to give them their own play. It’s an existential tragicomedy playing on the ideas of absurdity. Major characters of Hamlet also tend to feature as minor characters in the show. It’s this- It just turns it all on its head, yknow?”

Logan did not know, considering he hadn't seen it known about the play, but he could tell Deceit was passionate about it.

“I just really admire the brilliance behind the work. To write a play like that, to reimagine two minor characters from such a notable figure’s work, and then give them their own play is incredible. And to do that well with humor, philosophy, style it the same as Shakespeare. And then to have it be successful?” Deceits eyes shined and delight in passion and he looked back over at Logan. His smile dropped and he slammed his mouth shut. “And yeah- that’s where my snakes got their names. That was probably super uninteresting and boring. Sorry about that.”

Something clenched tightly with Logan. How many times had Logan himself said almost the exact words Deceit had? Sure for Logan it was infodumping versus passionate rambling and there was a difference. But, it was the same concept of being told that no one was interested in what you had to say.

Logan shook his head frantically as he tried to somehow communicate that it was okay for Deceit to ramble on about his interests.

Deceit frowned and gave a tilt of his head.

“I- I don’t know what you mean?” he admitted softly, “I’m sorry,” he immediately apologized, “I just- I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.”

Logan shook his head, frustration growing inside him. He felt trapped. He knew what he wanted to say and he knew what he meant to say, but he didn’t know how to communicate that to Deceit. Deceit in turn, didn’t know how to communicate with Logan. He didn’t know how to provide options to alternative means of communication, or understand what was going on. They were both struggling and out of depths in the situation and nothing could be done to fix it because it was neither of their faults. It just was.

Logan huffed and thought about what to do next.

He could leave- it would probably be easiest to leave- but it would leave an itch of dissatisfaction. Logan had come here on a mission that he still hadn’t completed. He wanted to get to know Deceit, and he thought he was maybe starting to.

Logan pointed back to the snakes and gestured in a way that he hoped Deceit understood as ‘Keep talking. Tell me more. I’m interested.’

Deceit continued to look at him blankly and gave a little shrug.

Logan grit his teeth and allowed his hands to meet, wringing and pulling at one another. Deceit watched the movement.

“Hey. You wanna hold one of them?” Deceit asked after a moment, “I think you might like it.”

Deceit thought Logan might like holding a snake?

In Logan’s mind, that seemed like an odd thing to assume, but he had no actual qualms and this poor attempt at a conversation wasn’t going anywhere. He shrugged and then nodded. Why not?

Deceit lit up. He walked quickly over to sink and rinsed off his hands before returning to one of the enclosures. He carefully slid the lid off and then reached in with both hands, gently scooping up the sake by the middle of its body. The snake quickly slithered around his arms, latching on to him firmly.

He pulled his arms carefully out, snake now wrapped around them.

“Guildenstern is shedding, so you can hold Rosie,” he explained, nodding down at the snake when he said its name.

Logan nodded, not having any real preference, or knowing what shedding had to do with any of this.

“Rinse off your hands first,” Deceit instructed.

Logan nodded, and then moved to the sink and did as told. He returned a moment later, unsure of what to do now.

“Okay, I'm going to give you her now. Try to support her with both hands, but if she wraps around you and does her own thing, that’s fine. Uh, she won’t bite- or she will bite if you do something stupid like grab her really hard or something. She’ll only bite in self defense. Just be gentle and you’ll be fine.”

No squeezing the snake. Got it. Logan could manage that.

“Okay,” Deceit said, “All that good with you?”

Logan nodded and held his hands out. Deceit then carefully untangled the snake from his arms. She had been steadily making her way up his body, stretching up into his shirt.

“Excuse me miss,” he said to the snake, “Please stop that. You’re going to Logan now, okay?”

The snake, of course, did not listen, but Deceit slowly detached her anyways and set her in Logan’s hands.

The first thing Logan noticed was the weight. He then noticed the cool feeling of her scales on his skin, how smoothly they rubbed against him. And then she moved.

She compressed part of her body and then extended, gripping onto him with strong muscles, and the weight of the pressure just about made Logan melt.

It felt so nice. It was possibly the nicest thing Logan had ever felt in his entire life. She was soft, and cool, with a weight and pressure to her that sent Logan’s head spinning in pleasure..

Logan couldn’t flap his hands so he shook his head a few times and started to hum.

“You like her?” Deceit said, tentative and hopeful.

Logan nodded vigorously and shifted from heel to toes, heel to toes. He nodded some more to make sure Deceit understood.

“Okay good. I thought you might.”

Deceit had thought right.

“I’m glad you think so,” Deceit said with a laugh.

Oh. Had Logan said that out loud? He hadn’t even noticed, to enraptured by the snake to pay attention to something as simple and boring as conversing. The snake was so much better.

She had now begun to climb up Logan’s own arm, smooth skin sliding against hers. He grinned happily at the movement, the pressure soothing and solid against him. Gosh this snake was just the best.

After a moment more Logan pointed at the snake and then back at Deceit, hoping that the other man would tell him more about her.

“You… want me to take her back?” Deceit questioned carefully.

No. No that was not what Logan wanted! Logan shook his head frantically. He liked the snake exactly where it was.

“Okay, okay. I won’t take her back,” Deceit said.

Logan hummed again and rocked on his feet.

He made new gestures, pointing to his mouth, then the snake and then waving his hand.

“You… want me to talk about her?” Deceit tried again.

Logan nodded in agreement. Deceit gave him a soft smile and began to do exactly that. He talked about ball pythons temperament and behavior. He told Logan about Rosie’s own personality and about Guildenstern’s as well. He commented about where he had gotten her from, and about the type of morph she was. He talked and talked and talked, stopping momentarily to make sure Logan was still interested.

Each time he stopped, Logan waved him on to continue and Dee shrugged and continued on.

It took a long time, but eventually the energy in Logan started to fade. He was still rocking and the feel of the snake- especially the pressure- was still everything, but time and the world around him seemed to come back into focus.

It was also at this point that he realized how late it had gotten.

“I should probably go now,” he said abruptly.

Deceit looked at him, mid-sentence in whatever he was saying about the snakes.

“Sorry,” Logan said, “I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“I-” Deceit grit his teeth together and Logan felt like a jerk. He hadn’t meant to interrupt Deceit, but he tended to do that a lot without realizing. “I, sorry, can you repeat that?”

Oh. Maybe Deceit wasn’t mad at him. Maybe he just hadn’t heard Logan.

“Sorry,” Logan repeated, “I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

Deceit gave Logan another unreadable expression.

“Do you need me to repeat myself again?” Logan asked.

“One second,” Dee said, “One second. Just give me- Don’t drop my snake, okay?”

With that, Deceit disappeared into another room,. Logan shrugged and continued to inspect the snake.

When Deceit returned he was fiddling with something in the ear on the opposite side of his facial scarring. A hearing aid, Logan realized.

“Sorry. Sorry,” Deceit said, “Say whatever you were saying again?”

“I was saying sorry, that I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” Logan said. He paused, then spoke again, “You’re hearing aid is whistling,” he noted.

“Yeah,” Deceit sighed, “It does that sometimes.” he reached up and fiddled with it a bit and the whistling faded away.

“Oh, should I not have mentioned it?” Logan asked.

“I- uh. No. No I’d prefer you mention it.”

“Okay,” Logan agreed.

“And it’s gone, I was just saying some of the same stuff about the snakes. Uh. What did you say before that.”

What had Logan said before? Oh right, it was getting late.

“I was saying that it was getting late. I should probably head home. Thanks for letting me hold your snake.”

“Yeah no problem,” Dee muttered, “hey uh. You don’t have to answer. But why- why did you visit?”

Logan shrugged.

“I wanted to get to know you. You’re a part of Virgil’s life, have been for awhile. I don’t want to take that relationship away from either of you, that’s not my place. But at the same time, Virgil is my husband. I care about him. I just wanted to get to know you, understand you better. You’re going to be a part of my husbands life, which makes you part of my life, and because of that I think it’s important for us to have an understanding of one another. Does that make any sense?”

Deceit stared at Logan for a good while, before eventually nodding.

“Uh yeah. That makes sense. And I mean- I get the hestitance. I was,” Deceit swallowed, “Well I wasn’t good to Virgil. So I can see why you would be careful.”

That wasn’t exactly what Logan was saying. He had never thought Deceit had bad intentions or was someone deserving of caution. It was more that Logan wanted to understand. But Logan didn’t know how to explain better, and he didn’t know where the disconnect between Deceit and him was. He left it for now.

“Okay,” Logan said instead. The snake in his arms twitched, and he realized he needed to give it back. “You can have your snake back. Thank you for letting me hold her. She’s very nice. And thank you for telling me about ball pythons. I really enjoyed learning about them, you seem to really care about your snakes.”

“Of course, and it’s no problem,” Deceit said, “I’m glad you like them too.”

Logan smiled, and rocked again. He waited for Dee to reach out to grab the snake or tell him how to put it back, but he didn’t say anything.

“Did, did you want the snake back?” Logan asked.

“Oh, right,” Dee said, giving an awkward half laugh. He walked forward and gently scoped the large creature off of Logan. Logan was sad to see the calm animal leave him. She had been quite comforting.

He turned away from Logan and gently set her back in her cage, before placing the lid back on and readjusting her heat lamp. After, Deceit directed Logan and himself both over to the sink to wash their hands. A minute later and he was facing Logan again, in the same spot they had started.

“I should probably be leaving, but it was nice to get to know you,” Logan said, offering his hand out for a hand shake.

Deceit took it, his grip firm. He shook Logan’s hand and then dropped his own.

“It was nice to meet you too.”

With that, Logan turned to leave. When he had reached the door and was about to open it, a call stopped him.

“Hey uh Logan?”

Logan paused and turned to face Deceit.

“I, uh, you can come visit the snakes again if you want. You’re not bad company.”

Logan visibly brightened and nodded his thanks. He would have to do so. Deceit wasn’t bad company himself.

~~~

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wavemaker9 · 5 years

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Sometimes you remember a term from a physics class and realize it’s a very good symbol for a couple of boys with differing ideas on what friendship is. Takes place after gil finds out toni has trust issues and has the guy brought out to his home so they can beat each other up over it because yknow. Healthy communication methods these boys have.

Title: Beat Frequency Characters: (GTA AU) Antonio, Gilbert, Matt (Mentioned)

There are more comfortable things to be sitting on when your whole body aches as his does, but there’s something about the soreness of bruises and scrapes on the uneven ground that feels very fitting to suffer through in this moment. Not that he would get up right now even if he felt it wasn’t. After all, it’s not the ground below him or the stars above that make him feel most at ease in this moment, but the occasional brush of arm against arm with the man to his side.

“I forgot how bright the stars can be,” Antonio says abruptly. His voice is still quiet, a whisper in the open air, but it pierces the hush like an arrow and almost startles himself with the disturbance of the silence. “I remember it being like this a lot back home.” Because over a decade in Los Santos, and Antonio still struggles to use the title to reference anything but that southern Spanish town. “We lived on the outskirts of town and every night was like this.”

Gilbert says nothing and Antonio turns to look at him. His breathing is steady enough for sleeping, but his eyes are open, awake, staring up at the sky as well. Antonio would have rather found him asleep, given what Gilbert being quiet can only ever mean. It’s understandable, he knows it, and it’s an improvement to the yelling and brawling from earlier. But he knows their fight has done little more than a bandage might do for a severed finger, which is what the Spaniard feels this is. He’s broken a level of trust with Gilbert that he didn’t even fully realize he had to begin with, and his struggles to repair it have largely been for naught; a disappointing but understandable fact that easily justifies the silence, even if it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.

Usually with Gilbert or Francis, Antonio can feel more comfortable in the silence. Long ago there stopped being an expectation with them, that need to keep a conversation going. Given everything, though, Toni feels anxious in those beats of quiet following his words. He wishes he hadn’t spoken up at all; just let the silence carry them further into the night. Unable to change anything about that, though, he tries again, offering, “You never get these views back in the city.” He doesn’t mean for his words to tint towards bitter when he speaks, but he can’t help it whenever he speaks negatively of Los Santos. It’s a poisonous town, and invites poison in every statement made about it.

“But you like it out there more,” Gilbert finally says. He twists slightly. Not completely, but his body tilts on the grass, rocking halfway onto an aching arm so that he can look at Toni more directly, before adding, “or at least refuse to leave.”

Toni frowns, because he knows that Gilbert is no longer talking about just missing the view, and he also knows that Gilbert is not wrong, exactly. For someone who curses the city so often, who refuses to call it his home, he’s certainly made himself comfortable in its depths. “You learn to live with windows as stars when you grow up with the light pollution,” he murmurs, voice quiet enough that the sentence might be mistaken as more for himself than Gilbert.

Gil sighs, a breath that is shorter, but feels long in the delay following it. “That’s an excuse,” he finally states flatly, before twisting around to lay on his back again. “But I guess most of the things you say seem like they are, so.” To his side, Toni lets out a sharp breath, and Gilbert can’t fully decide if it’s the breath of a man laughing or the breath of a man who’s been struck. “Tell me I’m wrong,” he declares, and decidedly keeps his eyes aimed up at the space above them. “Tell me I’m wrong without lying.”

“You aren’t,” Antonio says with a bit of finality. Any denial would just be more of an excuse, and sometimes one just has to accept the person they are; especially now. “I don’t mean to,” he adds after a few seconds, then lets out a chuckle that is much more easily placed as laughter, even if it’s got a sarcastic edge to it. “Though, I guess that’s an excuse, too, huh?”

It’s a rhetorical question, so it’s less concerning when Gilbert says nothing back this time. They both slip back into that low silence. There’s the clicking and chirping of bugs and the two steady rhythms of their breathing, but nothing more. That holds for a while, seconds turning to minutes, and Antonio lets himself lay there, listening. Their breathing isn’t in sync, not like he remembers it being many years ago. He makes a few half attempts to force the two rhythms to fall in line with each other, but the effort of holding or rushing his breath to keep in pace makes him feel like he’s breathing through a thick fog instead, and he eventually lets his breaths fall back into their own natural rhythm.

There’s something unsettling about that, too, though. Now that he’s fully noticed Gilbert’s breathing, there’s a tense sort of unease that it has started to slip into his brain. It takes him a few moments of rolling the feeling around in his head before he can recognize where its origin is likely placed, and he decides to speak up about it, both to cut off the silence once more now that it no longer eases him, as well as hoping that his words might add to the defense he desperately wants Gil to believe of him genuinely liking the other, even if he can’t fully trust him.

“Y’know, I remember doing this in the hospital, too,” Toni declares, and can see Gilbert’s head tilt in his direction out of the corner of his eye.

“Watching the stars?” Gilbert asks. He can figure that’s not the answer, but without a better guess, he at least wants to highlight to the other what a seemingly questionable sentence that’s just been made.

“Listening to you breathe,” Antonio answers back, sounding largely unfazed by the hint of sarcasm. His voice keeps a sort of distant quality to it, as if he were completely back in those moments. As if he were musing aloud to the crickets around them compared to answering the direct question from his friend. “I did that a lot.”

Gil’s quiet for a long beat, before he turns his head back away. “Yeah, the what? Five times you stopped by?” There his words taint with a bitter flavor to them, and he adjusts how he’s laying in the same way one pushes their shoulders back and straightens their posture when taking offense to something.

“It was more than that,” Antonio corrects, this time turning his head over to face Gil a little more. His voice eases back into being present ever so slightly, pulling himself back from the thought to counter the small jab. “I know it wasn’t as much as I should have, but I did make a number of trips.” He sighs, then, letting his focus turn back upwards, and his tone finds a distance again as he recalls, “I’d drape my jacket over the back of the chair before sliding it closer to your bed so I could sit right by you. A lot of the time I’d reach out to take your hand for a while.” His arm twitches, like he wants to reach out and do it now, but he worries Gil wouldn’t let him tonight, so he moves it instead to rest with the other one under his head like a makeshift pillow. “I missed getting to do it so much like when we three first became friends, and they always say that outside stimulation might help in those cases.”

Antonio doesn’t give any space this time for Gilbert to respond or not, carrying on with the same tone of musing about a casual thought he’d had. He imagines it must sound odd, to hear the whole thing talked about so calmly, so simply. He finds it easier to try not submerging himself any further in the thoughts and feelings of back then, though. He liked to linger on a lot of things about the past. Tiago had once joked about him having rose-colored eye contacts, the way he mused about better times so often. This, however, was something he’d rather remember as distantly as he could. “Sometimes I’d try to talk to you… or I’d sing or hum a song I remembered you liking. But sometimes I’d just stay quiet and listen. I’d hear you breathing, and it’d make me feel better because… well, that was better than what the doctors expected you’d be doing after that long. But then I’d think about it, and I’d think, ‘What if this is the last time though? What if this is the last time you hear him breathing? What if he takes his last by the next time you come back? What if you go to sleep and wake up to a world where he’s stopped?’” Antonio releases a worn sigh, and his elbows and shoulders sink slightly, resting further against the grass. But after a beat, he makes a small sound to signify a silver lining of a thought, “I hear you breathing now and it reminds me of that, but it also makes me glad I don’t gotta worry about that no more.”

Antonio finishes to find that Gilbert has turned back to half-face him again, leaning partially onto a side and using his arms to steady his positioning. Gil stares for a long while, not making a sound. But out of the corner of his eye, Toni can see brows tilted in confusion, or even frustration. Words seem to be on the other’s lips, just not fully ready to be said, and so they wait in silence until Gilbert finally speaks up.

“I don’t get it then,” Gilbert finally declares bluntly, and his mouth tilts slightly, pulling a more perplexed frown to his lips. “You say you were so worried, so why didn’t you come more often?”

“Because I was afraid, Gilbert.” It wouldn’t be unjustified to guess at there being a defensive edge on those words, but it’d be a mistake. More than anything, its blunt tone is just matter-of-fact. “I was afraid over you. Because they didn’t have any way to contact me, so I thought the only way I’d know you were dead was going back in. It didn’t work out that way, of course; Francis still knew how to reach me, but- you were Schrodinger's Gilbert as long as I was outside that room, but you might really be gone the next time I stepped in.”

He sighs, long and heavy, and lifts his head so he can lift his hands. They move, pressing palms at his forehead and dragging slightly down his face, holding until they cover his eyes and cheeks and rest right over his mouth. “And because I was afraid for myself, too, if’m honest. Because I was too focused on a million things to focus on the one that meant the most. That should a meant the most. Because I’d just almost lost one of my best friends and because I’d almost gotten hurt myself. Because I was pretty sure someone in my crew was trying to get me killed or fucked over, and I didn’t know who or why. Because I had so much to do to keep what I had built together, to keep my crew in one piece and to keep myself out of the bed next to you.” He moves his hands again, this time parting them slightly and giving another sigh. “Because I thought, like I always do, that what I was doing was for the best in the long run.” His gaze shifts, still staying stationary but adjusting so he’s not really looking at the stars anymore. His vision grows blurry at the change for a moment, before he finally moves his eyes over to Gil, allowing them to find focus again. “I know it’s just more excuses, but those are all the answers I got for you.”

It’s harder in the dark, but those green eyes find Gil’s. Much like Toni recognized the intent to speak, Gil knows here that this is the brunet signifying that he is finished and awaits further judgement as is deemed fit. Gilbert stares back. For a long while, their eyes stay locked, and then Gil turns away first. “Well,” he says, laying onto his back again and declaring dismissively, “you were wrong.”

“So I’ve heard,” Antonio responds back after a second or so.

Gilbert still feels like he doesn’t know his friend as much as he thought he did, but he at least knows the other well enough to pick up on that wording. His arms cross over his chest, interlocking as his eyes glare upwards, even if his head leans over slightly to further direct his words at the other. “You’re wrong a lot,” he states curtly.

There’s a breath-like laugh as Toni, hands still pressed over his eyes, acknowledges to having heard that as well. He could let his arms rest against the ground again, but without being able to see, he assumes Gilbert is giving him a judging look and would rather avoid it for the moment. Still, he doesn’t resist when a hand takes his, pulling it free to grip it in a tight hold for a moment instead. Gilbert is looking down at him again, leaned over to get a better angle at his face. The light from the nearby house lights up his features just enough to highlight the raised eyebrow and slanted half-frown he’s casting down at Toni.

“How’re you one of the smartest guys I know and still so fucking stupid about everything, Toño?” Gil asks, letting his lips slip an inch further into the territory of a frustrated pout.

Toni lets his mouth twitch up into the faintest mimic of a smile, and this time around, he laughs like a hum when he answers. “Hmm, it’s truly a puzzle, ain’t it, Gil?” It’s an effort, even small, to keep his lips even when Gilbert’s hand is pulled away, resting that arm back on its owner’s side. He can tell a part of Gilbert wants to speak further; to ask why he has to be like this. Why he can’t just admit when he’s wrong.

The issue is that Toni still doesn’t fully agree that he is wrong. He can recognize the choices he made weren’t ideal. He can recognize that he made a mistake. He can be sorry for not staying closer to his friend, whether emotionally, physically, or both. But that doesn’t make his priorities wrong. He acted on fear back then, sure, but that is the purpose of fear, after all. Antonio isn’t one to show it often, but he recognizes its usefulness when required. One mustn't let it rule their whole life, let it bring them to complete cowardice in the face of hardship, but fear itself exists to keep people alive in moments of true danger.

His actions have backfired here, driven a rather impressive wedge between himself and one of his very best friends. But everything else he has on this day? He doesn’t consider it wrong to have tried to protect it first. He can agree with Gilbert that friends are important. Even that friends should come first over many things. But there wasn’t much that sitting at Gilbert’s side day in and day out could truly do, and he’d needed to do so much. To keep going, to make sure everything else survived. To make sure that even if he did lose his friend, he’d have something at the end of all this.

If anything, he wants to flip the question back at Gilbert. To question why he can’t consider the idea that maybe he’s the one who’s wrong here. It’s Gilbert who seems to have missed out on the workings of the city they built their names in. Gilbert who seems to have unrealistic expectations about the way the world of Los Santos truly works. After all, Toni would likely be pleased, if the roles had been reversed, to hear that the other two had come seen him frequently in the hospital, but he also wouldn’t have been surprised if they hadn’t much or at all. They were friends, sure, but friendship in Los Santos was a funny thing, and it could mean such varying things to all sorts of people.

And that’s the thing that Antonio finds funniest of all. Again, their ideas on friendship mesh so well in so many ways. He really never had expected the three to get along as well as they did, but below the surface, they have so much in common on their feelings and priorities, that the three actually work quite well together. They feel as if on the same wavelength sometimes, and it’s comforting in the way of finding anyone like yourself in this world can be comforting.

Yet then, you get to that one core difference and it all falls apart. They both still value the others, still value their time shared together, but Toni has never expected kindness from Francis or Gilbert that wasn’t agreed upon with a handshake, not in the way of demanding it when it wasn’t there. They’re so close in ideas, but there’s some path that they seem to have split on down the way that divides them, and despite everything that’s happened, despite Gilbert’s overwhelming anger at him, he’s still not ready to call the road he’s taken the wrong one.

That wavelength has wavered too much. They are turn signals on a set of cars, syncing up for a few seconds before falling out of beat with each other and each following their own pace until all falling into line again. He breathes in, suddenly feeling the cold of the night air in his lungs for the first time since the sun set. It makes sense, Toni thinks, looking up towards Gilbert without truly looking at him, how their breaths sound together. Overlapping, sometimes matching, but never fully in sync.

His hands find the dirt below him and he leans forward, pushing himself into a sitting position that forces Gilbert to lean back into his own spot. Toni takes a beat, a long second with his hands pressed into the grass, before he breathes deep and pushes himself to his feet. He stares up, taking in the sight of the stars for a moment more, before turning his attention back to Gilbert and giving an easy smile. “It’s getting pretty late, doncha think?” He adds the words of a question, but it is a declaration as he brushes his clothes off some. “Still got a long drive to get back to the city.”

There’s a beat as Gilbert stands as well. One where the man could offer Toni stay the night, and they both recognize it. But, given the third person still waiting inside the house for his husband to come join him, they both know that’s not an offer that’s coming.

Antonio reaches forward first, because he knows he should but also because he wants to. His hands grab the sleeves of Gilbert’s shirt as he pulls him into a big hug. “It was good to see you out here. Wish it was under better circumstances, but y’know.” He can already hear in the back of his mind, the response for Toni to be less of a self-centered dick in the future and then it can be better circumstances. So he pushes on, adding, “Next time, just call me out here, yeah?”

Gilbert hugs back, wrapping sore arms around Antonio’s frame. “Next time,” he counters, “just come.”

As Toni pulls away, he raises an eyebrow, turning to glance more pointedly at the house, and Gilbert turns too, quiet for a moment, before looking back. “Call ahead,” Gilbert corrects, and it gets a genuine laugh out of the other.

When the laughter dies down, a slanted grin resting more uncomfortably than it normally does on Toni’s face, he shrugs and nods in acknowledgement, rubbing a hand on his neck but with the air of rubbing out a sore spot from the fight. “Fair enough.” He moves that hand level but forward, resting on a shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. “You’re still good out here?” It feels like such an out of place thing to ask, given the whole evening, but it also feels like it wouldn’t be right not to ask it before parting. It’s less inspired by practice and expectation when his eyes flicker back to the house again, and he adds, “He’s still good to you?”

“More than some people I could mention,” Gilbert answers instantly, and then his face seems to react with slight regret. Not enough to fully feel bad for having the thought, but maybe wishing he hadn’t said it.

Its tone is that of a joke, but there is a bite to those words that screams volumes given its context. It drives a short laugh out of Toni, a sharp sound that echoes in the empty air like a gunshot as his body recoils back half an inch. He hopes it can disguise as leaning back with the laugh. It doesn’t, and Gilbert finally corrects his answer, giving a simple comment on Matt being as wonderful as he always is.

“Good,” Antonio answers, “you deserve that.” He hopes that’s one of the things they can agree on, even if he’s not as confident as he’d like to be on that. “Truly. I know your faith in me is shaken just because I don’t trust you enough, but I do want what’s best for you. You’re my friend, Gilbert. I thought I lost you once. I don’t wanna see you hurt again for trusting the wrong people.”

The starlight catches those eyes as Gil’s gaze locks and holds with Toni’s. “And who’re you thinking are the wrong people here?”

Toni chuckles and lifts a hand, waving off the concern. “I didn’t mean anyone specific,” he tries to reassure, truthfully for once. He doesn’t get along with Matt, he doesn’t particularly care about him outside of small factors that don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, but Matt seems fine enough anyway. More so, Toni may not trust Gilbert wholly, but he trusts his sense of judgement on this, and if Gilbert is impressed by him, then Toni tries to keep his concern to a minimum. “I’m just sayin’, y’know? Take care of yourself.”

“Well, I know you apparently won’t stick your neck out to do it, so-.” Gilbert mutters it, but he keeps his mouth curled into a smirk so that any insult can be laughed off as teasing.

Sure enough, Toni places a hand over his heart and shoots back, “Ah, one final wound. And here I was thinking our fight was over.” But they both know that’s not the case. Things have fallen into rhythm for now, but they’ll veer and spread out and split again. It so seems to be their nature.

Gilbert gives a reassurance to Toni not to worry about him as they step further from the house. They won’t go all the way down to where the car is waiting, but Gilbert can still walk with him for now. The tone he uses when he speaks implies an understanding that he knows Toni won’t worry, and it’s enough to get Toni to speak up and admit he can’t help but to do it.

“You make it very easy to worry about you, Gil,” Toni tells him, flashing the hint of a smile at the other.

“Because I’m too trusting?”

“Because,” and he pulls Gil into another tight hug, “you are my friend. No matter what you think of me now, please don’t forget that?” He pats Gil’s back a couple times as the pale man grumbles out a pseudo-joking acknowledgement.

Toni pulls away, taking a few steps further down the path. His arm instinctively lifts in a wave when Gilbert does not step with him anymore, staying where he is standing and lifting his own hand to wave back as well. Antonio turns back forward when nothing more is said, heading towards the glow of headlights in the distance. There are still words on his tongue, but he reasons it too late to say anything more. The wavelengths have split, after all, and he figures it will be a while before they can match up again.

#ignore this #the boss kid #amusing muse musings #crossovers! unlimited crossovers!#crossovers gta edition #yay story time

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Also yeah while im on the subject

I really hate fantasy settings where magic is limited by biological sex. Because usually its used to enforce some sort of stupid gender stereotype that the writer believes is "biologically innate" rather than predjudice, by making up a world where it actually is biologically innate. Or its like "oh but women cant do those jobs" but again, a made up excuse for it to be LITERALLY TRUE. And usually they either dont even touch on the subject of trans and gay people (since it often conflates heterosexuality with gender...) or else it actually does bring it up and just creates a cavalcade of even more everything-ism...

Like i mean i love the game Jade Coccoon and considering it came out in the early 2000s i can understand it being more sexist, and its supossed to be a dark game anyway and a lot of the societal structures in Syrus Village are meant to be wrong and evil even if the characters act like its the way the world should be. The villain of the game is basically the toxic atmosphere of your shitty town and their paranoia of things they don't understand. Tho that means the player kinda has no motivation to finish it cos the main conflict is also saving those same villagers from dying and theyre all fucks. Anyway i'm going offtopic! What i mena is that i dont think it was a particularly sexist example of the inexplicable gender segregated magic trope. But just cos its a fave game of mine im gonna pick it to talk about anyway. Hope i dont sound too negative on it, cos seriously i love it loads!

Ok so to use Jade Cocoon as an example, here its a thing that only men can be cocoon masters and only women can be nagi. Tho it also gets a bit complicated because nagi is also an ethnicity as well? Its kinda like being romani, they're a race of displaced people who travel the world giving their magical services to other countries while searching for their lost homeland, which you end up finding at the end of the game. So yeah its extra weird cos male children of the nagi race are born with no powers whatsoever and cant even become cocoon masters, yet they get the ruling position in this homeland place? Like thats a better metaphor for how christian societies work, honestly!

Anyway im going offtopic again!

Basically, cocoon master = adventurer dude who catches monsters, nagi = magician who purifies those monsters so you can use them in battle. So when you catch stuff it becomes an inventory item rather than being able to use it on your team right away. And also nagi women can fuse monsters together to make super badass new ones and basically the gameplay system works really well to make you believe your wife is absolutely necessary to your quest and you would die without her, even if she cant fight. And honestly its actually kinda romantic! I just wish it wasnt presented as this weird sacred heterosexuality arranged marriage nonsense where all women are physically unable to go to a dungeon and all men are physically unable to not fight every day. Or at least thats how the powers work and if you try and step out of that role you fuckin die. Like it would be romantic to have a couple of a battle partner and a supporter magician if they actually chose it, yknow?

And whats annoying is that they actually do bring up the subject of people defying gender roles and canonically state that you not omly die but bring a curse upon everyone and are hated forever. They dont mention trans or gay people, instead the excuse is that a man loved his wife so much that he tried to learn nagi magic to lift the burden from her. Cos oh yeaj women get 'punished' by god for doing this magic?? Cursed tattoos all over their body the more they use it, and everyone hates them and eventually they turn into a fairy and forget they were ever human. And in the japanese version you can actually fight other nagi women who met this fate, theyre just another monster that you can fight and capture. They were censored in english cos they looked like really racist stereotypes of black women! Ugh! So yeah anyway nice straight husband is punished by the magic straightness enforcing rules of the universe for loving his straight wife too much. So what is the even point? If a man tries to use nagi magic it creates the "black cocoon" of cursed doomness and blah. Literal punishment for not conforming to gender. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

Anyway this setting always made me wonder about all the stuff it just glosses over with this implication that every one of these relationships worked out fine. Like even before we rub lgbtq topics all over a retro videogame, there's a lot of logical holes! Like seriously how many of these arranged marriages ended up loveless or abusive? How many women just didnt want to stay confined to one room forever and not even have anyone look at them because their magic markings are shameful yet its also shameful not to want to do it?? How many men were terrified of going out on this advebture fighting literal demigods sent by heaven to punish humans? How many of them just had no ability to fight and died immediately because of shitty traditions, while perfectly qualified women had to sit there and watch it happen? What if there werent enough straight men and women of the same age and people were forced into gross pedophilic shit or other horror scenarios just cos there has to be this one magical straight couple or the village dies? Whenever theres this stupid gender magic its ALWAYS portrayed as idyllic and never failing ever, unless *gasp* people dont follow the gendrules...

And then SERIOUSLY do no queer people exist in this universe?? Man i'd be so interested in their stories! I actually had an oc idea of a self insert version of me as a travelling merchant. Because maybe what if nonbinary people could do both sides of the magic at once and thus adventure alone without being tied to a village's straight marriage system? So i'd just go around purifying monsters and then be a place you could buy new and rare mons from other villages without having to catch them. Maybe an easier way to get the super rare drop fusion materials for tiger pattern and stuff? And like seriously itd be good to have a character to talk to who agrees that your village is made of assholes. I cant say its bad writing cos it was clearly intentional, but they shoulda at least put a bit more incentive to keep playing even if you didnt care about these people. Also it would help plug the plothole of how a village even survives if it doesnt have the required people to form this magical straight marriage. Have some mysterious enby avengers who travel all across the world and save everyone regardless of country! All we ask is you buy some of our lovely souveniers! Maybe a pet patalchu for your family? Seripusly why dont they ever show anyone using the purified monsters for anything other than fighting the unpurified ones? You'd think they'd be really useful in repairing the village and guarding the walls and like..regular industrial jobs. Help the place actually advance and not have to live day to day on scraps,bickering amoungst themselves as the monsters grow ever closer to breaking through. Hell, you could even have them help spin the cocoons for other monsters! If this magic only depends on having a dick or not, then cant we just dress up some animals in the magic straight marriage outfits? XD

And like aaaa man im getting so emotional just imagining a trans woman who's constabtly told she will literally bring about the apocolypse if she tries to fill the female role in this ritual. And then one day she tries to spin the magic silk and she thinks she's committing the ultimate sin and they were all right. But the magic responds to her touch, and she makes a spell more beautiful than any other woman in the village! It would probably be harder for a trans man cos the magic doesnt have so much of an immediate proof like that. Just going out and winning a fight with a monster can be called "dumb luck", and knowing these assholes they'd probably keep calling it dumb luck even after the thousandth time you save their life!

And man, i wonder how gay relationships would work in such an annoyingly strict system of enforced heterosexuality? Would it be like the magic isnt REALLY gender locked at all, and it can just be any couple with either partner taking either role? Or would it be that it is one magic per gender but the bigoted villagers were wrong about it being impossible to do things without both? Like maybe when you're going into battle alone as a single cocoon master you cant fight without catching other monsters. But when two cocoon masters love each other their magic is amplified and they become able to like.. I dunno.. Imbue each other with elemental strength so they can fight the monsters hand to hand? Cos really the elemental system is the only reason you cant do a no monsters run of the game as it is. Maybe since they cant purify monsters but they can still catch them, they equip the monsters as sort of a power rangers transformation? Or socket them like materia on their weapons? Or just if the world was less segregated into tiny sexist racist villages they could simply buy the purification coccoons from another local nagi, and villages without a coccoon master could buy the services of travelling ones. Oh, and maybe two nagi lesbians could be even more badass! Cos if they can only purify and not fight, maybe their double purification is so strong that they can just straight up walk into the forest and monsters don't attack them. They dont even need to do the full spell, they can calm a beastie's rage just by holding out their hand and patting it on the head. So they coukd be infinately more effective and not have to just tenporarily clear single travelling routes of a few monsters, but actually work towards slowly purifying the entire forest and creating a peaceful land again. Tho i mean the game did have a unique atmosphere with the whole 'no hope of ever beating them' aspect. It was unique to see a society formed around the idea of never going into forests or you Die. But magical lesbians and their family of a million pet dragons is honestly better!

And uhhhh ive gone all offtopic now and i camt stop thinking about how much i love magical lesbians with a million pet dragons

The End

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winterywitch · 7 years

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I just want to say that I really admire the depth you put into your OC's and your confidence in talking about them! I'd like to learn more about them, but I'm on mobile and it isn't letting me search the tags, so... are there any W@tchtower Grotto characters you haven't talked much about that you'd want to talk about?

oh!! ;-; gee thank you.......................

uhhhhhhh gee idk why but it feels like i dont have an actual comprehensive post on who/what nana actually is bc most of my friends know him very well already? so here’s that

hes like... early 30s?? in terms of appearance/maturity, hes the godking of the country in midnight

nana is uh... certainly a rebel at his core thats one way to put it, a lot of core things about him for better or for worse challenge the status quo. he thinks this is a good thing 100% of the time, like he’s some kind of radical rebelling against an oppressive norm on every single norm he challenges. (its not)

he is RIDICULOUSLY people-smart, hes likely an empath and could easily be called a genius when it comes to reading people and understanding how people tend to work.

if he were a dnd character he’d be a sorceror, he casts from charisma not intelligence [though he is certainly NOT lacking in that department]

hes definitely considered the leader of his little commune of kings [involving desiderius, hachi and kyuun], those three tend to defer to him and seek him out for advice [well. they mostly Used to now its just hachi that does that last part]

he sees himself as a teacher and guide to people, which isnt inaccurate necessarily!

hes very good to his people, his country as a whole is doing pretty well financially, there’s a vibe there of everyone taking care of one another! not to mention the fact that its lovely visually

he’s right about most things and he’s comfortably aware of the fact that he’s right about most things. but hes open to being corrected! he cant possibly be right about everything ALL the time!! he just has to consider you an authority on what youre talking about, which is something he very rarely considers other people to be, or he might just ignore your correction. but sometimes he wont, which makes you feel kinda silly for pointing out his tendency for hypocrisy! how confusing. it’s hard to keep up with this one.

he, like all of his colleagues minus desiderius, thinks he is the only Good King while all the others are complete messes who dont know what theyre doing or are just flat out bad people. but like, yknow, its a fucked up dysfunctional family! that’s totally normal, right??1/11

something about him just makes you think “theres a guy who knows his shit,” its probably his sturdy [outward] confidence, his [appearance of] wisdom, his [very real] intelligence and his long list of supporters that make you think that about him

his hair is weird as shit! there are ‘stars’ in it that glow, not BLINDINGLY bright but i mean yknow, they do glow, and where theyre embedded in his hair theres increased physical sensitivity. pulling on this guy’s hair fucking HURTS, even petting it can be uncomfortable if youre not really really careful. not to mention a fucking haircut, good lord (haha)

his parents were kind of like... very emotionally shallow, they were the sorts of people to be like Oh I’m Fine ^_^ at everything, and in subtle and hard-to-detect ways, they would punish nana for showing emotion of any kind (for example, laughing at him when he would cry at sad things as a child). because of this, he is now very open about his emotions and embraces them as something he should listen to and follow rather than only relying on cold logic as his parents tried to have him do. (its a lot more sinister in practice than it sounds, because yeah most of the time it is innocent like this but at the same time, he takes his own feelings VERY seriously and if you hurt them, even if it’s just by having boundaries, he will identify you as someone mistreating him or even abusing him depending on how close you are]

[heres where we get into The Shit, big tw for abuse, csa/pedophilia and “marital” sexual abuse/assault]

his closest friend and advisor arya kurosawa has been his best friend since they were both teenagers. they met when arya was 14 and nana was 17 [in terms of appearance/maturity are what those ages refer to, they were both immortal] and they got along very well.

of course by very well i mean on top of getting along very well, nana has ALWAYS had an inherent, base-level disrespect for arya’s boundaries. it’s been there since they were teens, and it mostly manifested in nana pressuring arya to do [mostly innocent - but the pressure and coercion made them not so innocent] things he was scared to do.

they were inseparable pretty much ever since they met and VERY, very in love with each other

they definitely were a romantic item by the time nana inherited the throne from his mother, and the age gap was definitely concerning but it only grew more concerning as nana’s mental/appearance age rose because he was growing up emotionally and psychologically and arya’s... stagnated.

when nana was in his early 30s so to speak, arya was stuck at 14-15 or so. and like... they didnt really see anything weird about that, they figured “well we both met when we were kids so its not like nana is a pedophile or anything, why question something so good?”

to someone who didnt know better wrt age gaps in romantic relationships and pedophilia, the relationship between those two would have looked completely normal and healthy. there was certainly an appearance of mutual respect, support, love and commitment

nana could only treat a 14-15 year old so much like his equal. to be totally honest, even since they were teenagers, nana treated arya like his inferior, like a student that needed to be taught, and that dynamic only grew/got worse as nana aged mentally.

but at the same time arya also taught nana so many things! see? nana wasn’t some condescending prick! obviously everything is fine. there were a lot of ways sometimes in which ARYA was the adult and nana was the child ^_^ so it’s equal, right?

arya certainly didnt know any better, nana was the love of his life and that was all there was to it. he knew [because of nana] that any discrimination they might face due to their ages in this relationship was simply unfounded, cruel bigotry from a species of essentially cavemen who were afraid of fire. he knew he was progressive for his time, in a couple decades probably everyone else would come to their senses too!

long story short, one day arya very quickly, almost violently realized EXACTLY everything that was wrong. nana’s condescending behavior had come to a head and someone arya considered a playful rival had forced him, very painfully, to face the truth of what this relationship was: abuse from a man who should know better, taking advantage of a boy who didnt.

arya couldnt exactly love nana after realizing this. and it really fucking sucked. he really wanted to go back to the way things used to be, he wanted to “undiscover” what he’d discovered, but there was no way back and he felt so broken and dirty and ungrateful and bratty and selfish for suddenly feeling this way.

nana on the other hand noticed arya very suddenly averse to being touched or held or even looked at. for a while, he was very understanding about this - what that playful rival did was essentially cast a spell and at first he thought arya was just sick or physically not well or something, and that he’d get better soon.

he didn’t.

nana didn’t know what to do. suddenly arya was neglecting him, acting like he was terrified of nana. he’d never been like this before, what happened? it’s incredibly painful and confusing, losing the love of your life like that; one day you’re everything to them, and the next they’re flinching every time you raise your hand around them. nana had never hit him or abused him verbally... in fact, it was nana who HELPED ARYA gain the strength and courage he needed to become independent from his emotionally abusive parents. so why was nana suddenly the bad guy? he had no idea what happened, why, how to fix it, or anything like that.

eventually he snapped, unable to take being deprived of love and attention like this, so he just took whatever he wanted, physically, not caring what arya thought of it.

he knew it was wrong. he knew he’d definitely crossed the line into objectively unforgivable actions. but he was almost too afraid to stop and relinquish this power over arya, because then he had to A.) lose arya, and B.) be held accountable for his actions. both two very terrifying things he saw no personal gain in.

that went on for a long time, until nana sort of... slowly realized he was feeling weaker and weaker, more prone to physical weariness dizziness, severe headaches and nausea, and he didn’t put 2 and 2 together until it was too late.

arya had figured out how to start poisoning him and getting away with it.

by that point, nana realized not just what was happening and why, but also that he unquestionably, factually deserved this pain and much, much more. that realization was too much for him, it sort of broke him psychologically for a very long time, leaving him completely helpless to whatever revenge arya decided to take on him

[it was all physical and psychological torture, but arya was certain NEVER to stoop to his level and sexually abuse nana. he couldnt even think of sleeping with nana “consensually” anyway, it made him horribly sick to even consider]

eventually after a long-ass time of this, arya just got sick of looking at nana and couldn’t even be around him anymore without feeling absolutely god-awful, so he just abandoned nana, leaving him to fester in his broken body and mind

and y’know, stuff happens after that, but thats all there really is to the most prominent phase of nana’s development in THIS story. i also play him in his phase of development after that last bullet point [roughly 200 years later], where he’s fucked up in all kinds of ways and totally deserving it, but also trying to... not really redeem himself or anything like that, he knows that’s not really a thing, but rather to make himself useful to good people who want to do the right thing, in a dnd campaign

nana goes through a SHIT TON of changes, to the point that each phase of his development has his own individual profile on toyhou.se, he’s become a Big Trauma Coping Character for me and somewhat an experiment in redemption arcs, seeing what exactly should happen and how to make “redemption” arcs seem not cheap or forced

here’s the one i talked about in this post though

http://toyhou.se/335049.nana-of-the-stars

#kara's charas #w@tchtower grotto #mind the warnings!#misstooni

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