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kaitycole · 4 years

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Shoulders Heavy with Guilt

This picks up after Broken Wooden Fence Posts, basically what Drake was doing as Riley spoke to Jackson.

Summary: Drake finally calls Liam

Word Count: 2717

Pairing (for this piece): Riley x Drake

Warnings: Mentions of a hangover and premarital sex. Pretty bland this time.

Part 8 of WP. To catch up read here.

Tag List: @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @glaimtruelovealways @bobasheebaby @bascmve01 @burnsoslow @the-everlasting-dream @ao719 @sirbeepsalot @janezillow @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @kimmiedoo5 @choices97 @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @lodberg @edgiestwinter @marshmallowsandfire

*I don’t own the characters, just borrowing them*

A/N: I do not condone the behavior of these characters. Yes, I am writing it, but that doesn’t mean I support their shitty behavior and poor choices. Just FYI.

THUMP

A slightly hungover Drake falls off the couch after rolling too far to the right. Sitting up, he rubs his forehead and blinks before fully waking up. He checks the clock: 11:30AM, before heading into the bathroom to shower.

“Riley?” He calls out when as he dries his head with one towel while another is tied around his waist, “Ri?”

Where the hell is she?

He begins to walk around the house; checking in the nursery, office and out on the back porch but he can’t find his wife. It’s not until he gets into the kitchen that he finds a note stuck to the fridge door.

Meeting with Lynn to go shopping for the baby. Might be out late. – Riley

He’s a little confused on why she didn’t just wake him up and tell him. But he puts little to no more thought on the subject. Riley was strong and independent, so he wasn’t too concerned. Plus, he couldn’t blame her if she needed space from how he’d been acting the last few weeks.

Speaking of, there was someone that he needed to call, no matter how late it was there.

Rubbing his eyes, Liam notices that it’s close to 10PM and he’s still working on this trade deal. He told himself that he would attempt not to stress himself gray until after he found a wife; didn’t look like he’d keep that promise. Just as he gets ready to turn his attention back to the paperwork, his personal cellphone begins to ring.

“Drake?” He tries to hold back a yawn, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I know it’s late, but it’s been a while.” Drake lies, he knows that he should just tell Liam, but he’s not sure what mood Liam’s in or how to approach the topic.

He looks back at the paperwork, surely it could wait another day. Drake was right, the two haven’t really spoken in a bit.

“How are things? How’s Riley?” Liam asks, he pushes himself from the desk and begins walking through the room.

“Things are well and so is Riley. However, I wish she’d pick a paint color for the nursery.”

Liam laughs, “Her indecisiveness can definitely keep you on your toes. I’ll stick to trade deals.”

“Does that mean no royal babies are in the works?”

“I’d need a wife for that and I barely leave my office as it is. So, no. You and the rest of Cordonia are just going to have to wait a while.”

Drake chuckles, “I said baby, nothing about a wife.”

“Drake!” Liam laughs again, “The court always said you were a bad influence.”

He seems to be in a good mood, maybe now is the time?

“Yeah yeah yeah, but hey,” he pauses, “I need to tell you something.”

Liam immediately notices the dramatic change in Drake’s tone. It’s rare that Drake said or sounded as serious as he did in that moment, “I’m listening.”

Drake still wasn’t sure how to tell him and he knew that he should’ve told Liam as soon as he saw Jackson. That it was Liam he should’ve called for guidance instead of Leo, but he didn’t. At first, he felt ashamed that after all these years, his dad could be alive and maybe wasn’t the hero he grew to think he was. Then it became guilt, that he enjoyed the time with Jackson and that made him feel like he was somehow betraying Liam. There wasn’t anything the two had ever kept from each other and here Drake was with the bombshell of a century.

“I’m not sure how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.” He pauses, hoping for the universe to do something to prevent this, but nothing happens, “My dad is alive.”

It’s a few moments before Liam responds, “Forgive me, I haven’t had much sleep, it sounded like you said your father was alive.”

“That’s exactly what I said, Liam.” He takes a deep breath, “Jackson Walker, my dad, he’s alive, Liam.”

“That’s impossible. I was there when you buried him. I went to the gravesite with you.”

“I know that, but you have to believe me. He’s alive,” Drake feels a weight lift from his chest, “And it even seems that we have a younger brother.”

Liam’s world stops. Flashes of Jackson and his mother’s funerals resurface, “Who? You and Savannah?”

“And you.”

If it wasn’t for the wall he was leaning against, he would’ve fallen to the ground. There was no way. Jackson Walker wasn’t his father, how could he have another brother? He was Constantine Rys’ son whether he liked it not half the time.

Drake’s too relieved to have the guilt off his shoulders that he doesn’t hear the change in Liam’s tone. He doesn’t pick up on the fact that everything Liam’s believed in, has completely been turned upside down, “His name is Luke Rys Walker and man, Liam, he looks just like you.”

“Rys? You’ve seen my mother?” Liam can tell Drake is talking, but the sound of his heart thumping in his ears makes it hard to make anything out. His mother was dead. He buried her. He grieved her. There was no way that she was alive out there, right? She wouldn’t have left him for Jackson Walker, right?

“Not in person, but there’s pictures of her.” He leaves out the part where Jackson had told him that it’d just been him and Luke for a while. Drake never asked for more information and he didn’t want to tell Liam something he wasn’t sure of.

“I…I have to go.” Liam ends the call without letting him respond. He calls for Bastien immediately, fills him in and sends him away to gather everything he can about Eleanor Rys and Jackson Walker.

Drake looks down at his phone to see the call was ended before he heads back inside the house. He felt with all things considered, Liam took it well, but he was still going to give him time. Hell, he’d known for almost two months and he was still trying to wrap his head around everything.

He walks into the nursery and shakes his head, he wants to get started on painting and laying down the hardwood, but he refuses to paint it before he has Riley’s seal of approval. He wasn’t painting this room more than once and that’s exactly what would happen if he painted the original light gray they decided on.

Drake checks his phone and sees it’s close to 6PM and he’s yet to hear from his wife. It was rare that she’d be out this late, especially when she was adamant about dinner being at 5:30PM.

Within a few minutes, the phone is to his ear, ringing.

“Hey honey.”

“Are you okay? It’s getting late.” Drake asks, walking into the kitchen.

“Yes, I’m okay. Just got hung up with Lynn.”

Opening the fridge, he looks for something to cook, “Did you two find anything for the nursery? I was in there today, it’s a bit bare.”

“No, I didn’t find anything while shopping.”

“Oh, there’s always next time. I’m thinking of making spaghetti, when will you be here?”

“I’ll be home soon. Say thirty minutes?”

“I’ll see you then. I love—” Drake hears the beeping from the call ending before he finishes.

I wonder why she’s acting so weird today. Pregnancy, I guess.

“Drake! I’m home.” Riley says, closing the door behind here and hanging up her purse. She can smell the sauce from the doorway and realizes how hungry she is.

“Hey,” he kisses her forehead, “Did you have a good time with Lynn?”

“Oh, uhm, yeah I did.” Grabbing a glass, she fills it with water before taking a sip, “What were you up to?”

“Oh, I was going to paint the nursery,” he playfully cuts his eyes at her, “but I just called Liam instead.”

“How is he?” Riley feels like she’s about to burst. In their relationship, she’s never lied to him. A few small white lies about birthday and Christmas gifts, but never about something this big. She felt like a fraud.

“Good. No sign of our little having a cousin anytime soon though.”

“Drake Thomas, you did not ask him about that!?” She playfully hits him with the oven mitt.

“I surely did.” He stirs the hamburger into the sauce, “I don’t want our kids to be ten years apart!”

Riley rolls her eyes, “I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten at least engaged. It’s been, what, two years since the social season? Almost three?”

Drake shrugs, “He says he doesn’t leave his office enough to even look.”

“I mean, there were other women at the social season that he wouldn’t have to leave his office to meet.”

Drake raises his brow at his wife, “Such as?”

“Olivia.” She smirks.

“He,” Drake starts before Riley finishes.

“Sees her as a friend. Yeah yeah, I’ve heard that before. But something’s gonna happen where he stops seeing her that way. Bet.”

Drake shakes his head, “Come get a plate, Cupid.”

Drake flops down on the couch next to Riley after he’s finished cleaning the kitchen. She’s absentmindedly flipping through channels that he didn’t even realize they paid for.

“Earth to Ri? You okay?”

“Huh? Yeah,” She chews her lips, “Well no.”

“What’s wrong?” He springs into worry mode.

“Calm down, it’s not that serious.” She grabs his hands, “I wasn’t with Lynn today.”

“Oh? Then where were you?”

She bites her lip even harder, worried, “I went to see Jackson.”

“Jackson who?”

“Your dad.”

“How? How did you know where he lived?”

She lets go of his hands as she turns away from him. “I went through your wallet.”

“You went throu…Riley, what the fuck?” He shouts as he stands up.

“I wanted to know why you were acting so strange. You wouldn’t talk to me!”

“So, you went through my personal things? You couldn’t just ask me?”

“I tried! You just drank for days on end. When was I supposed to ask? Between Jameson and Jack Daniel?” She throws her hands up, annoyed.

He knew she was right. He could’ve handled the last few days better than he did, but it didn’t excuse her behavior in the slightest. He begins pacing the room, not sure how to continue the conversation, “You thought I was cheating, didn’t you?”

“What?” She snaps her head in his direction.

“You found an address and number in my wallet. Then you drove there, you thought I was cheating, didn’t you?”

It wasn’t until she heard him say it that she realizes she really did think he was. It had crossed her mind briefly when she initially found the paper, but didn’t dwell on it until she was actually driving towards the address.

He stood there, waiting for her to tell him he was wrong, that she knew that wasn’t even a possibility, but she didn’t. She just sat there, looking at him.

“Really, Ri? I moved across the world for you. I’d move the sun and moon for you. You’re having my baby and that’s the best you think of me?”

“No, Drake. I mean, maybe for a moment, but I didn’t know what to think. That’s why I went there.”

“But you still thought it. I’d never think that about you.” He storms into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Getting some more whiskey to deal with your problems rather than talking?”

“Sure am. It’s a new brand called H2O.” He rolls his eyes, “You tell my dad about how his son is a deadbeat that cheats on his pregnant wife?”

Riley glares at Drake, “No. I didn’t tell him I was pregnant. I thought you should do that.”

“Oh, so it’s not your place to tell him you’re pregnant, but it’s your place to go through my things and jump to conclusions?”

“Real nice, Drake.”

“Did you find what you were looking for?” He raises his eyebrows at her.

“What?” She spits at him.

“You went there to get answers, you find them?”

“Obviously since I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t go looking for anything in particular.”

“Then what’d you do? Seeing how you opened the door to an old man instead of some young and hot raven-haired woman.”

Riley twisted her mouth up, she knew he made that jab on purpose; reminding her of the ridiculous assumption during Liam’s social season that Drake and Kiara had a thing.

“We just talked.”

“You talked? All day?”

“Yes.”

“What’d you talk about?”

She thought back on the nature of what Jackson had told her; all of it being things that Drake should hear from Jackson, not her, “How he and your mother met.”

“You talked to my dad about a story I’ve told you several times?”

But you don’t know the real story. “Amongst other things.”

“Such as?”

“I really think that you should hear it from him. It’s not my story to tell.”

Drake lets out a deep breath. He loves her to death, but she could really piss him off. Then he realized why he was so pissed off.

“So, you’re telling me that he met you and within minutes spills his guts out, but when I, his son, confronted him about who he was, got sent away? What bullshit.” He storms out of the room, slamming the backdoor on his way out.

Riley sighs, maybe going without Drake wasn’t the best decision. However, he did make a good point, but maybe it was easier for Jackson to talk to someone who hadn’t spent their life idolizing him, someone who wasn’t related to him, someone who didn’t expect anything from him. But she could still see where her husband was coming from, everything he thought was a lie which caused her to wonder, how Liam would handle the news.

“I’m sorry.” Drake says, rolling over to face her.

After he stormed out to the back yard, Riley had taken a shower and got into bed and it wasn’t long after that Drake got in bed. However, it had been an awkward 45 minutes before either had finally spoken.

“No, I’m sorry. I should’ve just asked you.” She turns the lamp on her nightstand on before looking at him, “I should’ve trusted you.”

He caresses her cheek with his thumb, “I should’ve just told you, even though it felt like no one would listen to me.”

“I hate that I was one of those people.” She presses her forehead to his, “I love you.”

“I love you, Ri. So, what’d you think of Jackson?”

“I think he deserves to tell his side of the story and I know he wants to hear yours.”

“Mine?”

She turns red, she told herself that she wouldn’t go into too much detail. She really did want Drake to hear a lot of what they talked about from Jackson himself. Too late.

“Let’s just say that he didn’t know that your mom left you and Savannah in Cordonia and now he does…”

“He didn’t know?” Drake knits his brows together, “I don’t understand.”

“From what I’ve gathered he thought your mom was still in Cordonia.”

He sits up, his head in his hands, and thoughts clouded. How did he not know what happened? “I don’t understand anything, Ri. Did people really think he died? Or was that a ruse?”

She scoots closer to him, holding his head against her chest.

“Did he tell you? Please just tell me that.”

She runs her fingers through his hair, “He didn’t tell me that, sweetie. But he did want you to come and hear his story.”

He doesn’t respond. The weight of the situation is beginning to weigh on him. It was no longer whether or not this Jackson Walker was his father or not, Drake figured that out. But the heavy questions were starting to come front and center: Was his death faked? Did they know it was faked? Why was it faked if it was? He was too caught up in his hero of a dad being alive, that he didn’t think to stop and realize that maybe he wasn’t the hero he made him out to be.

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xxisxxisxxis · 5 years

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Gateway Drug | Part Ten

Part Nine

Pairing: Douglas Booth!Nikki Sixx X OC

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Language, mentions of violence

Tag List: @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog @ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471

**Let me know if you want to be tagged**

———————————————————————

“So," I start, trying to fix my hair in the dressing room mirror, flattening the red strands between the irons of the hair straightener in my hands. "Tansy's wanting me to stay with her for a few weeks." I tell Nikki slowly, waiting for his answer as he smears lipstick on his lips.

"Tansy lives in New York, though." He points out and I lick my lips and start on the next section of my thick hair.

"Yeah...and she wants me to come see her for a few weeks." I reply and he puts the lid back on my lipstick and looks at me.

“Do you want to go see her for a few weeks?"

“It would be nice." I raise my brows, giving him a smile.

He thinks a minute before saying:

"It'll be good for you two to spend some time together since you're not gonna see each other much after March, anyway." He tells me.

"Why? What's in March?" I ask, finishing my hair and making sure the tangles are out.

"Our wedding?" He asks me as if I'm stupid and I drop the hair brush and look at him.

“I'm sorry, March of 1983?" I ask in disbelief and he furrows his brows.

“Uh, yeah?"

“Nikki, that's like two months away. We don't have time to plan a wedding in two months. You're working on an album."

“Well, when were you thinking we get married?"

“December of '84." I state and he bursts in to an unamused laugh.

“Oh, bullshit. I'm not engaged to be engaged for two more fuckin' years, Viv. Fuck that." He stands up straight after teasing his hair, looking down at me.

"You guys will be working on music. This album will be done and you'll probably have a tour, then when you get off tour you'll start on a new album and tour some more. We need more time to plan a wedding. Not to mention it'll give us more time to save up more money for it."

“I was thinking Tansy, the guys and a judge at the courthouse. Not a guest list and minister and everything else in between."

"We're celebrating coming together in holy matrimony and you don't do that by having a rushed shotgun wedding." I argue and he takes a swig of Jack.

“You'd have to be pregnant in order for us to have a shotgun wedding."

"People will think I am if we get married less than six months from now." I state.

"Do you think I give a fuck what people will think?" He asks and I lick my lips.

“I want the guest list and the minister and everything in between." I admit and he exhales and leans his head back, groaning a little before he stays silent for a few moments. After a while, he looks at me and sighs.

"Let’s just do it December of next year." He tells me. "We'll save up the best we can and I'll get you whatever the hell you want, that we can afford—except for the minister."

“Nikki, we need a minister." I scoff, standing up from my chair and stepping to my change of clothes.

“Not really. Anyone can be ordained, Viv."

“God created marriage and I think it's important we acknowledge that by being wed by a minister."

“Whatever, let's just agree to disagree." He tells me flatly, and I swear I see him sneer a little from the corner of my eye before he plops down on the couch to tune his bass as I pull my shirt over my head and get my shorts off.

“You don't believe in religion anyway, so what's the harm of me having some representation of my beliefs?"

"I said 'whatever'. Just drop it." He orders, not bothering to look up from his task.

I avoid further arguments by shutting my mouth and leaving it alone, grabbing the bottle of lotion from my bag to put on before I get dressed.

By the time I'm done, Nikki's through with his tuning, and I notice him staring at me, obviously enjoying the view of me in nothing but a bra and thong.

I smile to myself, taking my bra off and grabbing my red tube top. I pull it over my head and fix it comfortably before reaching for my white leather miniskirt. Once I'm dressed, I pull on my thigh-high heeled boots that match the color of my top and step to the mirror to put my lipstick on.

Within a few seconds, Nikki's behind me, his eyes meeting mine in the mirror. I look away to focus on perfectly putting color on my lips, nearly smearing it when I feel his fingers tickle at my exposed midriff.

“Nikki!" I scold, swatting at his hands and he laughs, ignoring my protest. I go back to finishing my lipstick, but I'm interrupted against when I feel his hair on the inside of my arm, and before I can ask what he's doing, his teeth are sinking into my side. "Ow!" I grab his hair and pull him off of me, looking at him like he's crazy.

Again, he thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done and I close my eyes and exhale, quickly getting done with what I'm doing before putting the cap on the lipstick and turning to face my man-child of a fiancé.

"What the hell am I going to do with you?" I ask him, examining the bite mark he's given to me.

"I can name a few." He mumbles, his hands grasping at my waist as he pushes me against the counter, picking me up and placing me on it.

Just as his lips go to my neck and a giggle leaves my throat at his advances, the door swings open to reveal Vince.

“Dude, c'mon, you can fuck later." Vince rushes us and Nikki excitedly kisses me one last time before grabbing his bass and rushing out the door.

It was their biggest showed they had played at the time, a New Years Eve show called "New Years Evil", that featured some other bands and had a crowd of 3,000 people at the Santa Monica Civic Center.

They did enough to catch the attention of Doc McGhee who, soon after, became the band's manager.

During the show, Nikki and Vince teased that Nikki was no longer available because he was going to be getting married. It would've been cute, had I been ready to announce to three people, let alone 3,000 people, that I was engaged. I hadn't even known Nikki told Vince already.

The announcement popped up in a local newspaper that was reporting on the glam rock show, and that was enough to catch the attention of the one woman I wanted to avoid as much as possible.

"I told you I didn't want everyone to know about us, yet, Nikki! I know you're constantly hammered but I expected you to at least understand, just a little bit, through whatever haze you found yourself in at the time when I expressed to you why I didn't need our engagement to be announced to over 3,000 people when I haven't even told some of my closest family!"

"Right, because you actually were going to tell anyone aside from the guys and Tansy!"

Nikki and I are screaming at each other the second I toss the News Paper, with Mötley’s picture plastered on it, on to the counter for him to see.

"I was going to tell my family when I was ready! Whether that means now or a day before the wedding, is my business and my decision to make! You had no right—"

“I had every fuckin' right! I'm not gonna hide shit just because you feel guilty and embarrassed about who the hell you have a relationship with!"

“I'm not guilty and I'm certainly not embarrassed!"

“You wouldn't even tell fuckin' Tommy we were dating, Vivian!"

I feel the color drain from my face and my stomach drops.

“Oh, God, Tommy.” I pace, shaking my head a little. “I haven’t even thought about Tommy. He just got over being pissed at us and now—”

I stop abruptly when he starts chuckling humorlessly, rubbing his face, and I cross my arms and raise my brows.

"What the hell is so funny?" I ask venomously.

"You are so fuckin' hypocritical. That's what's so funny. No, it's sad, not funny." He accuses and I roll my jaw. "You're always on about how Tansy needs to stop doing whatever the fuck anyone wants her to do because she's scared of upsetting someone or letting them down. At least she's fuckin' honest about every damn thing she does and doesn't make excuses for any of it."

"Oh, so I'm dishonest and sneaky now, is that right?" I motion to myself.

“You tell people you won't do something and then you do it and then decide it'll piss them the fuck off—rightfully so if they didn't want you to do it to begin with—so you lie and keep secrets about it instead, just to save a little fuckin' face!" He barks, stepping closer to me and I stand my ground, anger rolling through my entire being. "If you wanna marry me, you should be screaming from the fuckin' rooftops that you couldn't give less of a shit about what anyone thinks of you spending the rest of your life with a sleazy sinner! And I get it, it's your family and their opinion matters to you but it fuckin' shouldn't. You say all the time you don't agree with half of what they swear by and can't stand them so why the fuck does it matter what they think?"

“Because this is not what I do!" I state, looking him in the eyes.

I don't have to elaborate, the impact of that single sentence settling between us.

I don't lie to my parents, I don't hang around people they don't want me to hang around, I don't have premarital sex with a rockstar I barely know who doesn't believe in a God I believe in, I don't drop school and dance for him, I don't move in with him and I don't plan on marrying him.

All of these things are one, straight forward, "this is not what we do, Vivian”, waiting to spill from my mother’s lips.

"Well, let me know when you figure out what it is exactly that you do so I won't waste anymore of my fucking time." He seethes before heading to the door to storm out and I follow after him, staying on his heels.

“Nikki—”

I stop speaking when he opens the door, the two of us stopping in our tracks.

There are three disagreements I’ve gotten in to over the course of my life that I categorize as catastrophic. Three particular instances where “messy” doesn’t do enough justice in terms of describing exactly how disastrous the exchanging of words and eventual throwing of objects across a room, really was.

The third was my biggest fight I’d ever had with Nikki, the night they wrapped up on their North American leg of the “Girls, Girls, Girls” tour, and involved everyone closest to us because almost all of them knew something critical about either me or Nikki that the two of us hadn’t bothered to confess to each other being we couldn’t communicate without arguing.

The second one took place only days before the third one, and was between me and Sparkie. I got tired of seeing him be one of the main enablers of everyone’s heavy drug addictions, and told him to stay away from Tansy and Nikki. He in turn smugly hinted a threat to tell Nikki something I’d done with someone from the opening band, as if that would keep me off his back any time he gave Tansy or Nikki their Persian fix. I ended up snagging a clean needle from Nikki’s boot before anyone could see it coming and stabbed Sparkie in the shoulder with it before trying to claw his eyes out in a blind rage. If it weren’t for Mick, Doc, and Steven Adler getting me off of him, I would’ve killed the bastard. He was too busy crying to tell Nikki what he had threatened me with.

The first catastrophe I was at the center of, however, didn’t involve drugs or affairs or years of wear and tear disguised as marriage. It was simply, complicatedly, rooted to my mother showing up at our doorstep with “good intentions” that God will judge her for when the time comes.

Nikki is just as quiet as me as we stand face to face with my mother, my father...and my former Pastor.

#nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil #the dirt #mötley crüe #douglas booth #colson baker #daniel webber #the dirt movie #douglas booth!nikki sixx

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aiethflx-blog · 5 years

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WARNING: This blog may/do contain nasty words for some ears.

S E X

What comes to your mind after reading the word above?

Is it

The male and female?

The sexual activity?

L O V E

How about love? What does it mean for you?

Dangerous?

Or something that helps you face the roller coaster of life?

In today's blog, we are going to tackle about sex, yes sex but you should not worry. We are going to dig what what is love and lust in sex. I am going to talk about the profound meaning of sex, not the superficial meaning of it.

In today's generation sex is normalized. Yes, sex is normal but the problem is even the kids, aged 5 and above knows it. They can shout the tagalog word of sex publicly or in the street. If someone is with a guy or a girl, regardless of them being friend only or being in a relationship and kids on the street saw them, they shout tagalog word of sex towards them publicly, without knowing them personally, they shout nasty words to people on the street if they are with opposite sex which can make the two people shy or pissed. Should we blame them? Maybe the reason why they knew or learned how to talk things like that is because of the society we live in today. Their peers, social media or also even a random kid like them on the street.

Social media. Another factor is social media. Facebook, Instagram and other social medias have age restrictions but we can't stop the iGen/GenZ (ages 8-25) and even Gen Alpha (ages 1-7) using it as early as 7 year old. According to actforyouth.net, 9 out of 10 teens, aged 13-17 use social media platforms and 81 percent of teens now uses it. In short, many teens uses social media but the issue is, the middle aged people in social media, for example twitter, normalizes sex. They are proud that they had sex, they are proud that they experienced deep kissing, they are proud that they go to bars and other stuff that should not be normalized. Most men on social media are proud if they had sex with a girl, if they experienced sex many times, they even tell it to their friends. Seems like doing things like that makes them cool and famous, not thinking that they are surrounded by innocent kids, which are not innocent now.

Which is another factor of why pre-marital sex happens. What is premarital sex? pre means before, marital is marriage. In short, premarital sex is sexual activity before marriage.

TEENS

Teens mostly do pre marital sex. Even at the age of 13, teens could do that. Peer pressure is a reason of why teens do PMS. Teens are not only blind in terms of love but also blind in terms of friendship. Sometimes in life, we really make a mistake in choosing our friends. We choose happiness over right, we choose popularity over simple life, we choose wrong friends because we are afraid that we have no someone to stick to. That's why peer pressure happens. If a teen in the squad, had sex, they tend to push their other friends too or it happens mostly when you got fake friends. They force a friend they don't like to do something bad which makes them satisfied when a person suffer from consequences that he/she didn't want to do also. Guess what? Not only by peer pressure but boyfriend/girlfriend pressure. When their partner forces them to do sex, they do not have the choice to refuse or they also badly wanted it because of the curiousty. Curiosity is also a reason. Teens knew that sex is pleasurable that's why they wanted to try it.

ADULTS

Yes, adults can also belong in premarital sex. If they are in 20's, 30's and above, if they are not married, even if they are engaged, they belong in people who do premarital sex. Rebellion, adults do PMS in order to prove to themselves or other people their independence. Media, society and pressure are connected to each other, those three affects the adults of why they do the pre-marital sex. Media, normalizes the pre-marital sex. If a scandal spread, they will point their fingers to the person who took the video but not those who did the sexual activity. Society which pressure one's decision in life. They will probably say "hey, that's normal," "yuck, you are rot" things that will affect the desicion of a person. Since they are aging, they think that not having "experience" make them older that's why they choose to lose their virginity to fit the expectation of society even if it will bring down their dignity.

There are things that happiness don't last, just like pre marital sex. Yes it maybe fun at the beggining and when it is happening but "consequences" do exist. As what I've said, peer pressure can be the cause of pre marital sex, which means there is a possibility that the one who did that really don't want to do it and it can cause stress and depression while doing it or after doing it. Further effects like low grades since the attention focuses on the stress and depression, and also your focus on God or relationship in God can be lost. That's the worst thing I think that could happen to one's life because God, He's our guide. Who are we if we don't have Him? What are we if we lost connection to Him? Where are we if He's not beside us? People lost connection in God, especially when they had PMS because when they get depressed, they will blame Him for what has happened to them when in fact, it was their choice. Human's choice, human's action, human's consequences. We should remember that He will forever and ever forgive us because he love us so we should not worry. He is not the cause of why consequences happens to us. He love us, aren't he? So why he would do that? We should ask ourselves 10 times before doing things so that it won't mess our lives.

Since premarital sex is made sometimes unintentionally, made out of lust and etc, separation may happen which mostly affects the child.

Let us dig deeper.

That's not only how things happen. There are consequences that doesn't just affect yourself but even the people around you. When pre-marital sex unintentionally produces a baby, poverty can happen. Pre marital is sex before marriage right? and marriage should be planned so when premarital sex, unintentionally produces a baby, therefore they are not ready to provide and grow the baby they have. Chained to that is if the parents are schooling, they have the chance to quit because they can't provide the needs of the baby so they needed to focus on work. The effect of poverty is being theives, prostitutes and etc.

That's how pre marital affects the life of a person. It does not only have one consequence, but consequences that are chained to each other.

Connecting each other that I have said, seeing every detail of it is the effect of blurred definition of sex. We lack knowledge about sex, about how it should be done, about the purpose of sex. Our knowledge about it is only half of the whole thing about sex.

Sometimes most of teens live in a house where they think that sex is bad and embarrassing but little did they know that sex should be taught first in their houses. Parents think that they should avoid talking about sex whenever they are with their child, absolutely that is right but on the other hand, sex should be talked too when there are childrens, not in an indecent way but in a way where children will learn. Parents should know how to have a heart to heart talk with their children.

What should be taught by parents?

Purpose of sex

Teens and children should know the purpose of sex. That it is sacred and not should be done carelessly or just because your mind told you to do so. Sex is a gift from God, yes. Sex is done for preocreation, for having a baby and baby is also a gift from God too.

When does sex should be done?

Parents need also to teach it. Of course, sex should be done after marriage. Sex is enjoyable, pleasurable, and good but do not do it just because of that. Sex is don after marruage, when you have wedding ring, not engagment ring, or not when your boyfriend gave you ring that are from the sidewalks or even at the malls. Girls shouls remember that they are pleasure, that they are treasure. When you say treasure, it means very important. So girls shoud not easily give her's to his.

The reason why I have entitled this blog "a love in sex" because we should not have sex just because of lust butbecause of love. We should remember that our choice, our consequences. Sex is not a thing that is don because you wanted it, it is a thing that needs deep thinking, wisdom, knowledge before doing it.

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kris0ten · 7 years

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The Truth About Aaron Pathammavong

I’m taking a moment to record the story of my last relationship. For no one in particular. For posterity. It’s been a couple months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again - going through a breakup can feel like waking up from a coma - but naturally I’m still angry at how selfish and awful this one particular human was after I invested so much in him. Despite all this, I have high hopes for my future and I’m so relieved to be free from lies. This is what happened:

I met Aaron through friends and at first wasn’t terribly impressed beyond the fact that he dressed well. But we connected through Facebook and I saw that he was geeky and excited about a lot of stuff. I wasn’t sure if he was taken because he made this status about how he was going to fly to the east coast to surprise this girl. But months later I commented on his photo and we started talking. He asked me to hang out almost immediately. He said he’d make it “worth my while”.

I liked his earnest confidence. And we hit it off right away. We liked the same stuff, we had a similar sense of humor, good friends in common, and a natural chemistry and attraction. I noticed his impatience right away - he asked me what I was looking for in a guy on our first date (that I wasn’t even sure was a date) - but I thought it was refreshing to be with someone so straightforward and with whom I could be completely honest.

He kept asking me out and he was funny and a really great date planner. I was stunned and frankly intoxicated by how good things could be. Sweet, funny, tall guy with the cool industry job who loved creative, nerdy stuff just like me. On top of that well-dressed, clean, and so loving and generous to everyone around him. I kissed him first, but in most other things during our courtship phase he was the leader. He was so eager, had so much love to give. And falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I… made him wait 2 weeks. And then said yes.

Being the overthinking, overly cautious, careful, analytical person that I am, I told my roommate “This is too good to be true. There’s gotta be some sort of catch. This has been too easy.” And some of his issues did come out of the woodwork. There was that girl who emailed me out of the blue to alert me that he had been chatting with her on a dating app while also talking to me. I wrote her off as jealous. There were his trust issues from getting cheated on in the past - it made him prone to emotional outbursts. I made sure to create trust and safety and include him in my friendships with guys. When he’d have emotional outbursts, I’d comfort him and calm him and center him. I’d facilitate a discussion about his feelings and a solution for dealing with them and talking about them. And he’d always apologize and ask me for another chance. I thought he was scarred by traumatic things that had happened to him, and that by giving him a healthy healing relationship he’d be okay. Sometimes he was inappropriately generous - like wanting to buy expensive gifts for a friend who has a boyfriend. I’d have to reel him back in. But who can fault someone who just wants to make other people happy? I saw him as this overexcited puppy - a little over the top, but so well-meaning. Then there were the lies. They’d happen randomly about small, stupid things. He said he sold my old computer and he didn’t. He said he bought me a tote bag in Japan and he actually got it in the US (he lied 3x about this). Lied that he’d never borrowed money from his parents, when he had. Lied that he wasn’t talking to his ex, when he was. When I’d catch him lying, I’d confront him. The way I understood it, lying was his way of telling people what he thinks they want to hear in order to keep them around - a symptom of his abandonment issues from his parents’ divorce. So I’d sit him down, explain that lying didn’t make me happy. He apologized, added my fingerprint to his phone as a gesture of transparency, and asked for another chance. And I gave it to him every time. After all, if someone can recognize their flaws and want to work on them, isn’t that enough? His light seemed to shine so much brighter than his darkness. I didn’t realize they weren’t surface flaws from some unfortunate circumstances. They ran much deeper. But we’ll get to that. I took a chance of him, because based on the information I had at the time, it seemed more than worth it.

At the start he would say that what he loved most about me was the way I made him feel. That he could be himself with me. I said I wanted him to love me for me. And it seemed that with some time he did. He said, “I’ve found someone who can love me for who I am, that isn’t a pushover and has opinions of their own. Someone who can enlighten me and bring new things into my life from her experiences in life. Someone who can learn what it means to be loved by me, and wants me. I know there are parts of me that are still broken, and I wish I could fix them all right now for you. But it’s gonna take time, and I’m very happy to know that I have someone like you walking by me every step thus far. You’re a gift, you’re the most precious thing that has entered my life. I’ve learned to love again, and I’m gonna become a stronger and better man for you.” The sincerity always got me. I figured if I had a relationship built on being open and honest with each other, where we were committed to solving anything together, we would be okay. I didn’t know that I didn’t have that.

We hit it off with each other’s families, with each other’s friends. As a Florida transplant, he missed the feeling of family, so I let him into mine and they welcomed him. And after enough talks about stupid lies, I really wanted to trust him. So I stopped checking up on him or asking him for proof. The problems seemed to be fixed. There were less emotional outbursts. Things felt amazing. And then he asked me to move in with him. He was getting kicked out of his place in Santa Monica and wanted to take that next step with me. At first I was extremely resistant - I didn’t want to give up my independence - but after talking and thinking it over I came around to it. I had a lot of fears about it, but he addressed them all. He said we would balance our time and our space, we’d figure out our mix of cleanliness (him) and chaos (me). He said his standards for being clean would be greatly relaxed. He committed to me. He said that marriage, that forever, was in the cards for us and he wanted to take this step to be sure. We even met with my parents to discuss it, and we took the plunge.

All my fears were unwarranted. We got along fantastically, I learned to cook for the both of us regularly, he’d make breakfast on the weekends, I’d shop for supplies, he’d dust and vacuum and do dishes. We had company over and our apartment instantly felt like home. It was a home we made together. Christmas tree and all. We traveled, worked hard, supported each other through difficult situations, watched our favorite movies and tv together, surprised each other, everything. I couldn’t believe this much happiness was possible. Not for one second did I doubt he was the one for me. I thought I was so lucky, because isn’t it rare to feel like you’ve found your 100% match? Most people feel like they have an 85%, and they wonder if they should shoot for that extra 15%. I didn’t. I was so, stupidly sure.

In October he drunkenly declared to me, “I’m gonna engage you so hard”, and "give you the wedding of your dreams”. In that moment I laughed in his face, but it touched my heart anyway.

On New Year’s Eve, after our small get-together at our apartment he said, “I didn’t want to say my real New Years resolution out loud in the group because it felt like too much pressure.” He paused. I waited a bit before prompting. “So what is it?“ "2017… is gonna be the year of the ring.” I froze. Didn’t even dare to breathe. And after a moment spent absorbing his words, I kissed him on the cheek. "Don’t forget to ask my parents first.” Shortly after that we did some ring shopping together - I was clear that there was ZERO rush, but this way we’d know what I like and then I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. He even named his budget and looked at some men’s rings too. At my request, we went to premarital/preengagement counseling - not because anything was wrong, but because I wanted to know what it means to be married, what it takes, and what to look out for.

Around the 18 month mark, the dynamic began to shift a bit - pretty subtly to me. I’d been in a long term relationship before, so I know what that’s like and I know that it’s bound to happen with anybody. I actually kinda like the stability of it. I warned him about it, for what it’s worth. I warned him that the honeymoon period ends. But I also told him that what kicks in after that is beautiful in itself - a love that isn’t just feelings and adrenaline, a love that’s a decision and a commitment to stand by your person even on the days when you don’t really like them that much. So I thought that’s what was happening, and while sometimes I missed the adrenaline of the courting stage, I found comfort in knowing that this guy was here to stay. We didn’t text so much during the day, but it gave us more to talk about at night. He started going to the gym and dinner with his coworkers twice a week and would get back late. I didn’t mind, I thought it gave us a healthy life balance. He cuddled me less and slept with his back turned more. I figured it’s because his arm falls asleep if we cuddle too long. We did a lot more watching tv and staying in together rather than going out, but I figured it’s because life had gotten really busy and what we needed was downtime. Particularly with my ailing grandparents now local, even seeing family was draining. But through all of this, I found comfort in the thought that if anything was bothering him, he’d let me know. If there was a problem, he’d let me know. Because that’s what our relationship was built on. Right? And it wasn’t as if our relationship became a monotonous, loveless “what do you want for dinner” routine. Our texts from the last month of the relationship were full of jokes and love and pet names and generosity and surprises. Offers of massages after stressful days. Compliments and I love you’s.

I don’t know how to start the story of the beginning of the end, because I didn’t see it coming. It probably gestated in his mind for months. For me, there was no warning, no protection, no chance. I guess I’ll start with what happened, and then go into my take on why/how. We were nearing the end of our premarital counseling. In private, he suddenly asked, “What if marriage just isn’t for me?” He said he was afraid of hurting me, of letting down my friends and family. Being my cool, calm, rational self... I didn’t take it personally. I said that it was a good question to ask now rather than later, because marriage is a big decision not to be taken lightly. I figured it was an irrational fear stemming from the failed marriage of his parents. I said he was brave for wanting to dig deeper into that question, and encouraged his idea to talk to the therapist one on one. I asked him if it was the idea of marriage in general that was the problem, or if it was me. He assured me it wasn’t me. We did a last session together - she said we were super compatible and was confident we could tackle anything together. The next week he went to therapy alone. Then he went to a work-related concert. He came home, I made him dinner, and then he tried to break up with me. It wasn’t exactly planned, but it seemed like he couldn’t hold it in anymore - despite the therapist’s explicit instructions not to tell me anything until they met again. He started by talking about his fears again, and I got the sense that they were less irrational fears and more warnings. “Are you trying to break up with me?!” He said nothing. I broke. My life and my future shattered before my eyes. I had no clue this was in the cards. I panicked. “Am I not making you happy?? Is someone else making you happy??” “To the second question, no - not at this point,” he responded calmly. Not at this point?! That’s like saying “Not yet” - and when I called him on that, he said “Oh I didn’t realize I said it like that, I’m so dense.” He asked me to hear him out. He told me he felt like he couldn’t be himself around me anymore, that I was too controlling. He said, “You don’t trust me. Not that I deserve your trust, but that’s the only way I’ll earn it.” That he was too busy trying to make me happy that he’d forgotten what makes him happy. I was shocked to hear this, as it’s the opposite of what he’s always said about me. But I was so sorry - I know I’m not perfect, and I was more than willing to work on my flaws. All he ever had to do was say something, otherwise I’d never know there was a problem. Because I was so willing to try and be better for him, he couldn’t break up with me then and there. He agreed to “work on it” with me.

He left to work the E3 convention and was in a hotel room with his friends for the next few days. He was in touch with me and would check in a couple times a day, but he was rather distant. When I expressed how I was struggling, he didn’t really respond or at least not with much empathy. I was distraught and stopped eating. But as the next few days passed, and I spoke to more people about it, it became clearer and clearer that it wasn’t really me that was the problem. The theory I formed at that point was that maybe his urge to please people - specifically me - had worn him out the point of him shutting down. And even though I never asked him to overextend himself to do things that he thought would please me, maybe he was blaming me in his self-pity, because he felt so drained. I guess that’s fine, but to never say anything and then suddenly say it’s over with no regard to my feelings? An extreme response. The new problem identified by the therapist was… could I be with someone who had the ability to be so incongruent? To say and do one thing, but be thinking another? To sit in premarital counseling and say “I can be myself with Kristen” but actually be thinking “I can’t be myself with Kristen” - could I trust someone like that? I agonized over this. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and truthful and communicative - but I could be with someone who wanted to be honest and truthful and communicative. Could he be those things? I thought he was already, but it was suddenly clear he wasn’t.

Then my mom asked me if he had been spending a lot of time with his work friends lately. Yes, he had. “I think someone there makes him feel special.” It hadn’t even struck me as a possibility until that moment. Even though I had asked about it before, I had believed him when he said no. Aaron had been cheated on before, there was no way he could do that to me when he seemed to love me so much. Right? But I snooped his phone for the first time in over a year, and I uncovered so many lies. He had gone to premarital counseling with me and then drove straight to his lunch plans with her and lied to me that it was a group of coworkers. They chose our favorite restaurant and when I jokingly complained, he claimed everyone else wanted to go so he went along with it. Actually, he was the one to get there first and put himself on the waiting list for 2, & suggest they “walk around” afterwards. After he met alone with the therapist, he took her to lunch and then to the concert - the one he had apologized to me multiple times that he couldn’t take me to because he only got one ticket and they were sold out. He sent her photos of the udon place he came to love after I introduced him to it - it was clear they’d been there together before. He referred her to his favorite hair salon and she sent him pictures of her haircut and he showered her with compliments. They were going to wear matching Persona costumes to Anime Expo the weekend I was out of town. I had trusted him so much that I helped him with his costume. When I had expressed interest in wanting to go when I returned, he deflected with “I didn’t get any extra tickets.” Ironically, I had caught him a couple months earlier - he mentioned he went to the gym with her. “Just her?” I called him out on the double standard - I’m super careful not to trigger his trust issues when I hang out with guy friends. I told him it’s not that I don’t trust him… it’s that I don’t trust girls not to flirt with him. Well, I was wrong. It was him I shouldn’t have trusted.

I confronted him immediately. His response was at first defensive (“You blindsided me”), then spiteful (“You just want to win, don’t you?”). He went from denial to admitting that it was cheating - but he still made excuses, like it wasn’t HER but the IDEA of her that he fell for. Then he went straight into self-pity. “I’m a bad person. I’m never going to love, I make people happy at the expense of others, you’re never going to trust me again.” All about him. And he was so “What’s the point” about our relationship that I actually responded to him with comfort and reassurance. Old habits die hard, I guess. I told him he was a good person and he didn’t have to be this way. He said I had no idea how many times he’d lied to me. He said I just wasn’t the right mix of things that he missed from his ex - willingness to fail, openness to new things. (New reasons why it’s me that’s the problem) He said I had cornered him. I said that no matter what path we took from here, it would be painful. I wouldn’t guarantee success but I was willing to try. I convinced him to go to counseling with me, talk things through, and see if there was anything left to save. He said, “Fine” - then changed his phone password and went to bed. It was scary to see a bitter spiteful hopeless version of Aaron - was this what was hiding under his surface?

3 days later, we met with the therapist. He declared that it was all too big to fix, too much to fix. And that he just had the feeling that there’s something better out there for him. I told him that I didn’t want to live a life where trust was so broken. I didn’t want to be with a liar. And so in 2 weeks, my life went from picture perfect to ashes. I went from being excited about my future… to not wanting to continue living at all. Who am I? What do I want? Where will I live? How do I start over?

My educated guess on what happened? I don’t think Aaron has the capacity for lasting love. Love transforms over time, from the adrenaline rush of passion… to the commitment - the decision to be by someone’s side no matter what. There’s an incredible beauty in that kind of love, and I find comfort in it. That’s the kind of love I had for him, but I don’t think he wanted that love. I discovered that the whole time, Aaron’s actions had been true to his character. He is very self-centric. He’s all about what makes him feel good and look good. The tricky part was that his generosity and sweetness towards others were also in large part to make himself feel good - to feel like he was convincing people not to abandon him. And for a long time, acting the part of perfect boyfriend and going above and beyond to please me made him feel and look good. It must have been tiring to keep up the role for so long. I never asked for him to be anything other than himself - I thought he was being genuine. I’m sure to a degree he was. But eventually it didn’t make him happy anymore. But he saw that as me not making him happy anymore. He then tested out the waters with his wandering heart. To see if maybe someone else could give him that adrenaline rush, and make him feel and look good. He lied to me about it so I wouldn’t leave him first, so he could blame me and get away with it. I realize now that I carried the emotional stability of the entire relationship. I thought he was in touch with his emotions just because he had a lot of emotions, but that wasn’t true. He rode the wave of my strength and appreciated it at first because he was so dependent. Then, with time, maybe he saw how much weaker he was than me and resented it. Maybe it made him feel small. He’s ungrateful for all I did to try and carry or lighten his baggage. I thought I fixed him, patched him up to walk and talk like an emotionally intelligent adult with a 401k. They were just band-aids on a broken bone. Once he felt strong and confident and restored, he decided he wanted something “better” than me. He does not see my full value. He complained that I took him for granted, but it was the reverse. I am an incredibly strong human, who at my core values loyalty, honesty, integrity and communication. I am unafraid to face my flaws and work on them. I love fiercely and deeply. I don’t let people in easy, but once I trust you I’ll stand by you to the end. I am talented, funny, and smart. I will make an incredible wife and mother. I know what it takes to be a family.

Aaron will continue to chase the rush of adrenaline he gets from girls’ approval and affection. Only two weeks after the breakup - and after Lisa said she wasn’t interested in him (which was a lie to cover her ass) - he has set up hang outs with two other single girls in his office. I know he’ll keep chasing her, and he’ll see himself as the protagonist of some romantic drama. He’s trying to fill a void that none of them can fill - that even I couldn’t fill. His craving for love and family won’t go away until he faces the deep set issues he has. He cares more for the bells and whistles of attraction than true, quiet love. He is controlled by his fear of abandonment. I honestly kind of pity him. He has a long way to go to find healthy happiness with someone. And now he’s telling people that he just “fell out of love” because that’s the only thing you can say that people can’t argue with. But he’s not my problem anymore. I wanted to show him unconditional love. I made him a better human. He made me happy, but not better. He didn’t care much for helping me be the best version of myself. He instead left me with trust issues and brokenness - all in order to feel the least consequence to himself. He didn’t get away with it. I hope he’s brave enough to face himself - maybe even learn, or change? As for me, I’m going to surround myself with people who are authentic at the core. People who see and love me for who I am. In a way, my life feels fuller than ever now. On to infinitely better things!

#personal

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roughingitwithcal · 8 years

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Not Safe (C.H)

{pic not mine}

warnings: cussing, mention of religion

A.N: i'm not christian so i'm sorry if any of what i say is offensive,, im trying not to mention as much religion...

His hands started to give out from holding his weight up for so long, so he hovered above on his elbows for support. That deepened the kiss. Tongue was everywhere, you wouldn't even know what the goal was with this tongue. His crotch brushed against hers, a slight tough but enough to make him moan her name ever so loudly into her neck.

"Oh, Y/N," he sighed into her neck. He placed small kisses on her neck and on her shoulder, moving back up to her neck. He was having the time of his life. As for her, she stared up at the ceiling. In lust? In desperation? Was she grabbing onto his shirt, desperate for a deeper touch? No. She stared at the ceiling, her eyes filled with boredom, her breathing stable, her body stiff as wood. The routine was simple and the same. Her five year long boyfriend would come over for steak and mashed potatoes for dinner with her parents, sometimes it was with mac and cheese when her mom felt adventurous! Then they'd go up to her room for their 7-8 study session, only to turn into an intense make out session. Or an intense make out session for him. But it never ended with sex. The Lord would not approve of premarital sex. Please do not break the routine.

He let out a grunt and placed one last kiss to her collarbone, letting out a deep sigh. He lifted his head above hers and touched their noses, rubbing his tip against hers. "God, I want to marry you," he sighed. His eyes were still closed in lust as he savored her smell, the taste of her. Her eyes were wide open, her lips forming a fake smile to show him she was just as enthusiastic as he was. His eyes opened to meet hers and he returned a bigger smile to her. He kissed the tip of her nose and slowly made his way off of her, letting out a loud groan as he made his way up. He sat back on the bed and watched as she made her way up as well, her hair just slightly messed up from the slight head movements on the pillow, her lips glistening from spit and chap stick. Their eyes met and his smile turned into a smirk, proud of his work of art. She placed her hands in her lap and returned a small smile. He furrowed his eyebrows and reached up to move a strand of hair away from her face.

"What's wrong?" He asked, rubbing the side of her face with his finger tips.

"Nothin'," she smiled, pretending to be happy by snuggling her face farther into his hand.

"Tell me, darlin'," he smiled, his hand now occupying her knee, giving it a slight squeeze.

"Well," she said, looking down at his hand as he rubbed her knee back and forth, "what if," she paused and let out a sigh, "what if we went a little bit further than just kissing?" She tilted her head up and met his eyes, hoping to find that glint of "hell yes" in his eyes. All she saw was surprise.

"Y/N," he said, his voice almost cracking in surprise, almost as if he was appalled, "we're already breaking God's rule. Isn't this enough?"

"What are we breaking?" she groaned, her eyebrows furrowing.

"Well, we're lying to our parents about studying! Right now, what we're doing now is sinful in God's eye! And do not get me started on--"

"You know what? Forget I said anything," she smiles, grabbing his hand and twiddling her fingers in between his. His hands were soft, as were hers. He rubbed his thumb against the pad of her hand, his warm and clammy hands radiating onto her hands. He gently lets go and moves his hand up to caress her cheek, her eyes meeting his.

“One day, I’ll marry you,” he sighs. His thick accented voice cracked on the word you, almost as if he actually meant it. She lets out a defeated sighed and closed her eyes, but smiling along with his words, “one day, we’ll do whatever we want.” That’s acceptable in God’s eyes, she thought. She opened her eyes and like that, he was up and about, subtly fixing the boner dying to pop our of his khaki pants, grabbing his book bag as well. He was still hard as a rock under there. How is he gonna pass by her parents with that fist sized ball hugged tightly by his too small khakis? “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” He quickly pecks a quick kiss on her head and runs out the door, dusting off whatever hair and sweat from his shirt. She just stared. Stared and twiddled her fingers, not blinking. Stared at the door and heard as he did a whole goodbye speech to her parents, and as always, they applauded him. When will they grow tired of that? When will be the day where they will find how nice and pure he is so fucking annoying? She let out a deep sigh and wiped her mouth, taking off any excessive saliva left behind by her boyfriend. He was a good kisser, he just doesn’t know where his tongue belongs.

They’ve dated for so long, she wasn’t gonna be surprised if she ended up like her parents and stayed together with him for 35+ years. Dating wasn’t even her decision. I mean, yeah it kind of was, but at the same time, it wasn’t? They’ve known each other since BEFORE they were in diapers. Their moms were book club buds, coffee pals, bffs, sisters, whatever you call people who’s been attached at the hip since THEY were born. Y/N used to eavesdrop on her mom’s and Auntie Sherry (that’s what she was told to call her) conversations about how Sherry’s son would be perfect for her, how he was already so mature for a five year old and he would support Y/N well. Even both families. And at this point, she didn’t even know what “perfect” was. Sure, she found Tyler attractive, she found him smart and sweet, but they’ve been together since they were born. She didn’t want to stick around someone for 17 years only to stick around with them for another 50 or more so. But he was too sweet and too charming. Breaking his heart would be like ignoring the most desperate puppy at the pound.

She got up from her bed and straightened out her band sweatshirt. She stared at herself in the mirror, mostly at her sweatshirt. This was the only thing she had that wasn’t necessarily called “pure”. It was a Sleeping With Sirens hoodie and although it just had the words “Sleeping With Sirens” on the front in bold letters, her mother found the band “provocative” and “loud”. But she had already spent 50 bucks on the hoodie and she wasn’t returning it.

She was also in her black underwear, but she was forbidden to walk around in it with no pants on around the house because of A.) the men in the house, as if they have never seen a pair of black panties on a woman before. and B.) women were meant to dress nice around the house to please their men and please in God’s eyes. How dumb. Oh no, she shouldn’t think of provocative thoughts. God would punish her. As if she wasn’t punished enough.

She slipped on a pair of black leggings and took off the hoodie, replacing it with a lacrosse sweatshirt. God, she hated lacrosse. But who is a person at North Winster if they didn’t play any sports? This town was just so cliche and she couldn’t wait to dash the fuck out. She quickly fixed her “messed-up” hair and took off to the kitchen, where she was met with four pairs of glowing eyes and bright smiles. She stopped in her tracks and grabbed onto the banister. “Yes?”

“So you and Tyler?” her father smiled, continuing to cut up vegetables on the cutting board, his eyes looking back and forth at the football game. Her two siblings sat at the dinner table, ready for whatever food came their way but was also concentrated on the game. Out of the five, Y/N was the only one in her family who didn’t like football. It’s not like she didn’t understand it, she was forced to understand it at a young age. But she just hated it. Everything was too routined.

“Me and Tyler has been a thing since we were 6, daddy,” she said, taking a seat at the island, taking a piece of lettuce from the tossed salad. Her mother smacked her hand and she immediately dropped it back into the salad bowl. “No eating before we pray,” she said, quickly making her way to the stove to tend to her chicken.

“I know that,” her dad interrupted, continuing the previous conversation, “but, according to Sherry, you two are getting close—”

"We want to know if you've been having premarital sex with Tyler," her mom interrupts, dropping the tray of chicken on the island to stare Y/N deep in the eye. She was speechless as she stared at her mom's determined face. She looked up to her dad and saw his surprised, yet also curious face.

"What?" was all she could squeak out.

"Are you engaging coitus with Tyler Gibbs?"

"Mom!"

"Are you?" Her mom was now furious, her hands flying to her hips, the house now quiet with the noise of the football game in the background. This was just like this family. Her mom is always interested in only HER life rather than her older brother, who has actually had premarital sex and does drugs. Why couldn't she ask him this question? Her family was very religious. Well, mostly just her mother, but yes this family praised Jesus like no other. Growing up in a small country town with no amusement parks within 100 miles, no good movies, you had to drive 25 minutes just to get to the mall, only to be disappointed that the mall had the same boring old department stores with T-Mobile being the only new shop to open up within six months. There was absolutely nothing to do. This town was just like this. Religious and simple, afraid of change.

"If I am having premarital sex with Tyler Gibbs, the town's baby child, do you think I wouldn't tell you?" Y/N confessed, brushing off the question. Her mother had to believe that she wasn't.

"Don't lie to me, Y/N Y/L/N!" she yells, the whole house actually terrified. Why was she so worked up? What was she told?

"Goodness, mom! Calm down! No we aren't having sex!" Y/N exclaims, throwing her hands up. She jumps from her seat at the island and looks at her mother is disbelief. Sure, she has thought of things that would've earned her ten thousand whippings, but no, she knows better to have sex, especially with town's most innocent angel. She shakes her head and rubs her temples.

"You know what, I'm walking to Dara's. I'm not hungry." She quickly jogs to the front door to grab her coat and keys that hangs from the coat hook near the door, making sure her phone is settled in her back pocket. She wasn't necessarily all mad at her mom. She was already so stressed out and to be accused of having sex by her own mother, it just kind of set her over the edge. She could hear her mom jogging carefully over to her, obviously trying not to ruin her fresh nail polish on her toes she just put on. But, Y/N wasn't having it. She opens the door and starts her journey down the sidewalk to meet with her friend Dara.

She settles her hands into the pockets of her windbreaker, the one Tyler bought her so the wind couldn’t break her mood(god he thinks he’s a fucking comedian), the wind blowing through the strands of her hair. At this time, this city was met with its usual pink and gold sunset, where the sun let out rose gold rays and made the clouds look blue as it starts to fade away, only for the big moon to orbit the dark sky. She didn't like her neighborhood. All the houses were big but they were too close. The lawns were all separated by wooden fences that had rotting wood, holes starting to form. No one could build a nice rose garden with how close these houses were. Also, everyone that went to her school practically lived on this street. From the richest and most popular boy at the top of the street to the deadbeat punk rocker that lived in an old brick house at the end of the street. Y/N had to walk by that house every time she went to Dara's. That house belonged the all known notorious Calum Hood, North Winster's baddest boy. He was the exact opposite of this town. Maybe that's why everyone practically hated him. He had sex almost every weekend, everyday if he felt like it, he drinks for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he smokes under the bleachers of the football field, and this one time, he even had sex with his physics teacher to get out of an exam. If he was so bad, why was every girl practically falling to their knees when he strolled past them and gave them a wink?

His house gave out a dark and grey vibe. The house was all brick with dark grey rooftops. The yard was just dead grass with a rotting tree stump. The entire house was surrounded by metal fencing. But, their house was the only house that wasn't two inches away from another house. They had a decent amount of space, enough space to throw parties. But how they managed to obtain so much land in such a small neighborhood was surprising to everyone.

People were afraid of this house, especially the Hood family. Y/N had heard rumors that the Hood family was kicked out of their house in Australia because of some dead bodies that they kept hidden in their basement. Some say that they are immigrants that are escaping from some top agencies in Australia that have been looking for them for over 20 years now. Every month, there was always some nasty rumor about how the Hood family was not normal, that they killed animals for religious practices, sometimes even for fun. This town always tried to make the people who didn't follow their routine the bad people. Y/N didn't believe any of it, however. Calum Hood was bad, but he was nice. She remembered the first day of freshmen year where she dropped all of her stuff on the ground and he graciously carried it for her to her next class. He always smiled and waved at her in the halls. But when he was around his friends, he was just straight up rude. She tried waving at him at lunch when he sat with his friends. All he did was laugh and stuck a middle finger at her. Alright, maybe she didn't think he was that nice. But he wasn't awful.

She stared at the house once again. Even though it was old and everything was practically rotting, it was a beautiful house. A difference between that life and her life. And she wanted that. As she was about to look away, her eyes caught a glimpse of brown, with a bright reflection the shimmered in the corner of her. She stopped in her tracks to find the source only to meet the brown eyes of Calum Hood himself. He sat on the wall of his porch, propped up against the column, one foot up and one foot hanging off the wall. He had a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth, the ashes falling onto his pants. He met her eyes as well.

Her hair was a little poofy from the night wind and her cheeks were bright pink. She was obviously just as a little creeped out as he was, so she quickly made her way to Dara's house, quickly brushing off the encounter she had with the town bad boy.

"And then she accuses me of having sex with Tyler! Can you believe that?" Y/N fumed, aggressively throwing her hands up as she paced back and forth of the room of her best friend. Dara's family was less religious than Y/N's. They usually let Dara drink under her supervision, they know she's already had sex, and they don't pray. Okay, they weren't religious at all. But they went to church just to eavesdrop on local conversations and steal food from the snack bars.

"Well you are starting to act kind of," Dara leaned her head against the headboard and cocked it to the side, almost as if she was examining her, "naughty."

"What does that even mean?"

"Well," her friend shrugged her shoulders and let out a light chuckle, "you've been talking non-stop about birth control recently. Not even religiously. Just out of curiosity."

"I just want to know how it works," she shrugged, playing with the spoon in her ice cream.

“Well, you obviously don’t believe that, right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She looked up, furrowing her eyebrows at her best friend who was smiling back at her.

“You want to have sex,” she said teasingly. Y/N’s eyes widened, her hand remaining still. Of course she wanted to have sex. How dumb is it to wait till marriage only for it to end in divorce? God, she wanted to have sex with Tyler, but how ruined would her reputation be if people found out she had premarital sex with the town’s star boy? Star athlete? Star academic? Star everything?!!

“That’s not true,” she mumbled, looking down at the pint of vanilla goodness. She felt Dara’s foot kick her in the leg, making her look up at her smug face.

“Oh my god, yeah you do!” She screamed, her smile widening.

“Shut up! So what if I do?”

“God this is perfect,” she nagged, confidently shaking her hand.

“It’s just,” Y/N sighed, placing the pint of ice cream beside her on the floor, “how dumb is it that you have to wait till marriage to have sex? Like what if that marriage ends up in divorce? I’m just tired,” she let out a deep breath, “of being told what to do and when to do it.”

“Then do it! Break up with Tyler and have fun!”

“Dara, it’s not that easy!” Y/N exclaimed, burying her face into the pillow that sat beside her on the floor. “It’s a lose lose situation! I break up with Tyler, I’m known as the heartbreaker bitch that dumped North Winster’s star athlete. I have sex with him, I’m considered the town slut who took the star athlete’s virginity before we got married!” Dara looked at her in sympathy, watching as she tried to bury her face even further into the pillow. Even though her words were smothered by the pillow, she could understand every word. “He even keeps repeating he’ll marry me one day!” Her head pops up and she looks her best friend dead in the eyes, “He keeps repeating that one day he wants to marry me! I do not want to be the girl who stayed with her high school sweetheart for 50 years and live in the same town with the same people the rest of my life.”

As Dara was about to sympathize with her, they were interrupted by loud knocking downstairs. They both looked at the door and then back at each other, both startled.

“Are your parents already home?”

“They’d have keys,” she whispered, slowly getting up from her bed. Y/N followed behind and accompanied her to the steps, where they could both see the front door from the top. They couldn’t see in the window so someone had to eventually open the door to see who it was. The knocking came again, making them both jump in fear.

“Get it,” Dara pleaded.

“It’s your house!” She let out a frustrated groan. When she looked at her friend’s face, she obviously knew that she was not gonna get the door. “For God’s sake, we live in the safest neighborhood in America,” Y/N grumbled. She quickly ran down the stairs and unlocked the door, quickly jerking it open, only to see a figure she hope she would never see face to face before. His tall structure intimidated her and she could feel her palms grow sweaty and clammy and her group on the door knob started to slip. She’s never been this close to him in like 4 years??

“Hey Y/N,” his deep Australian voice said, smirking at her reaction, his teeth chewing on the toothpick that dangled from his mouth. Her eyes went wide and she could feel how far open her mouth was, practically down to her feet. He had on a gray Santa Cruz hoodie with black gym shorts and Nikes, almost as if he just went on a run. But given the fact that he reeked of tobacco and whiskey, she was pretty doubtful.

“Uh, hey Calum,” she stuttered, her grip on the doorknob tightening just in case she was ready to slam the door in his face. No particular reason, he just frightened her. She felt Dara slither up beside her, her hand resting on her back to inform her that she was right behind her.

“Can we help you?” Dara said, confidently. Where did she find that confidence all of a sudden?

“Uh no not really,” his voice scratchy, “your mail was dropped off in mine by accident.” He held up a brown box that was tied with string, aka Dara’s monthly gift from her boyfriend who has already gone up to college. He dashed out of town faster than anyone in the past decade, and we all applaud him for that. Not because of Dara — god the amount of times he said he wanted to bring Dara with him, it sounded like a whole kidnapping plan — but because he also knew this town was a deadbeat hole for the mormons to hit the grave in.

“Oh, uh,” Dara stuck her arm out from behind Y/N, almost as if she touched him or even stood this close to him, she would faint. She quickly took the box and disappeared from behind the door. He hadn’t left yet. Y/N nods her head, trying to get him to leave but he doesn’t budge. He just stands there with his hands in his jean pockets, sticking out the tip of his tongue every so often to lick lips. Y/N pretends she can’t see it, but she can feel how he’s slowly taking her in, grasping every feature of her with his eyes. She clicks her tongue and tightens her grip on the door, ready to shut it.

“Well, thanks, I guess I’ll—“

“I saw Tyler Gibbs leave your house again today,” he interrupted, chucking the toothpick from out of his mouth into the plant pot beside the door. She looked up at him to see that damn cocky smirk still plastered against his face.

“Uh, yeah, he did,” she said, kind of annoyed at this point.

“He’s got a nice car,” he breathes, “he’s got money, huh?” He’s now standing a little bit closer to her now, their toes standing like an inch away from each other. He stood in the doorway so it’d be kind of impossible to just slam the door in his face. She sucks in a breath, hoping to get some oxygen in her but all she inhaled was his musk and cigarette scent. He needs to know she wants absolutely nothing to do with him.

“More than you,” she said quite harshly. She was normally never this mean but she couldn’t be seen breaking her pure streak talking to the towns bad boy. His smirk grows larger, nodding his head along.

“Ouch, princess,” he whispers, his tongue licking his lips once again. His hand comes up hold his weight against the door and his other comes up to touch the side of her face. Her breathing legit stops when she felt the tips of his soft fingers caress her cheekbones, practically getting goosebumps on the side of her face. She could feel her stomach and heart flutter and her body was practically covered in goosebumps. She thought she could hide her reaction but apparently she was too transparent that she could hear Calum let out a breathy chuckle. Her eyes met his and she bit down on her lip, her heart pounding in her ears.

What was he doing? She’s never felt this way before. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears, she could barely hear her own breathing, her hands were practically soaking, her mouth was as dry as the desert. She could feel herself getting flustered. The five years she’s dated Tyler, even before that, she’s never felt so...aroused.

“Princess,” he breathed, his breath tickling the side of her ears, “you aren’t all that innocent as you think,” he whispers in her ear. She closed her eyes at the sensation of his deep voice filling her mind. He was so close and then, he was gone. She opened her eyes to see him backing up off the porch, taking out a smoke from his back pocket and lighting the stick of death between his fingers and bringing it up to his mouth, taking a deep drag. He puckers his lips and blows a kiss her way, the smoke coming out from his mouth and nose. He made his way down the driveway and then he was gone. He was probably out of the neighborhood by now. But why does it feel like he’s still here, touching Y/N? Why could she still feel his touch on her skin? Why could she still hear him?

She closed the door and stood against the shut door, her back hitting the glass. Why does she enjoy the way she smells right now, like smoke and him?

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