#they are from diff scenes but w/e

[sotc]

[annt-i]

Alex and Mrs. Jones at Ian's funeral.

[tonurseanopenwound]

hey i want to answer the ask RIGHT so you should give me a summary of nikolai :3

OKOK !! erm where should i start. i think it all went wrong at childhood

tw !! bc i made him an edgy gacha oc fr (su!c!de, abuse, all that not so cutesey stuff)

he was originally really shy + timid . an overall cutie pie . then augustus, whos nikolai's brother born from a diff mother (born from the empress while nikolai was born from a servant taken advantage of) took lil bro and slammed him into a brick wall three times. he was six, ( i wrote off this scene based off a prompt i wont paste it though since this summary is already unnecessarily long)

well !! niko avacado over here was NOT about to let it slide so years later he skedaddled over on to the "parasite" leeching away his brother's attention (due to augustus' constant verbal abuse and neglect + how he still tried to love his brother his sense of love grew very twisted ) and took girliepop, who is emilia btw. and uh. seduced her. and then bedded her. this. this happened several times until emilia felt so guilty about it that she krilled herself. by uhm. hanging. augustus who maybe sorta actually loved her was the one who find her body and since then the two have been at odds !! esp with how their father is growing old and may step down from the throne (later in the plot)

stuff happens blablabla elias kills nikolai's mom blablabla yk irrelevant stuff which brings us up to the current plot

nikolai acts innocent around other people, excluding when he's alone w lain, elias, or augustus. he's known from the aristocracy as the "lamb in the garden of knives", a title he generated when he was younger to prevent being killed / seen as too much of a threat to the noble party who supported augustus for the throne

hes a very apathetic person who is really teasing ++ manipulative, lwk a little shit. he only listens when he benefits from it which annoys elias a hell lot , though he typically only acts so childish around elias. a little forceful as well.. if i had to give him an mbti it would probably be E/ISTJ !!

[ramblingoak]

Hello Oak!!

I’m writing to you because like many others I absolutely DEVOURED the existing parts of The Cardinal’s Bride last night. I loved it so so much and I’m very excited to read The Morningstar as well. Your construction of the Wild West world, diff. dynamics between Ghouls, the buildup for the reader and The Cardinal - ETHEL AND HAROLD??? Etc spark so much imagination and joy.

I wanted to really show my appreciation in some way, bc I have craved good escapism and this really helped me out amid weird moods and stuff irl… so these are my fav line(s)/moment(s) from every Chapter (spoilers) w/ my silly lil reactions …..

-// < 33 @copium-copia

Chapter One: Heading West

“You snuck a peak back at the two women and glanced briefly out to the street before pulling the poster off the window. It seemed such a silly thing to do, but you figured if you were being forced to marry a boring bank owner like Mr. Saltarian you should allow yourself a small thrill. Something to look at when lying alone in the dark in your new home.”

Omg omg omg yess I’m keeping the poster !! this surely won’t lead to consequences : )))

___________

Chapter Two: La Principessa

“She should be scared, she’s marrying fucking Saltarian.” Ooo storm’s brewing !!! Anyone else get a lil hot under the collar at Cardi Copia’s mere mention of Saltarian this way ??

Satan’s Dick !

Hehehe Ciaooo Cardinal🥰….. “Mi scusi Principessa, are you looking to collect the bounty?”

YES READER GET HIS ASS/NOSE

_______

Chapter Three: Promises ���But…you have been whispering for me at night” ummmmmmm - /pos

“She’s not fucking riding with you Swiss.” ummmmmmmmm !!!! no I’m not hehe you’re so right, Cardinal

SUNSHINE MOMENT + Sunshine’s perspective on CHOICE YES PLEASE

“Clearly it meant a lot to you, so I wanted to replace it.” my face 🤭!

Okie dokie!!!

Brizio my beloved

“Faster, eh? Good idea, Principessa!” - what if I swoon -

His hands agh his hands, p leas ,e ________

Chapter Four: There’s Something about Mary

YESSSS I love to justify my hatred and apathy for Saltarian yess

“There are plenty of pretty girls in the world, Mr. Goore, I don’t plan on wasting my time mourning this one.” cold as fuck ??? /pos

“You pregnant, Sweet Cheeks?” // “Excuse me?” Your indignant question was nearly drowned out by The Cardinal’s sudden laughter. You shoved your elbow back into his gut and he groaned before muttering ‘sorry’ into your ear. hehehe

_______

Chapter Five: Copia

Aether & Sunshine bickering hehe

“Sunshine, stop giving her knives!” 😂

GET THEIR ASS READERRRRRR

Copia/Reader Reunion 🥲

“We’ll have to find some time for that, eh?” gahhhh

___________

Chapter Six: The Newlywed Game

“Si, si fine. You’re very dangerous. Now pay attention.” 😊

“I’m helping love blossom here, Mountain. Take some notes.” SUNSHINE I LOVE YOU

“Cowboys were strange.” :))

“Oh you are trouble, Mr. Emeritus.” !!!!

He was blushing. YESSS BOYYYY

“Maybe you start dreaming about me, eh? Maybe your hands start wandering…” shhhhhhh

“Copia had snuck up right behind you so when you turned around you nearly smacked into his chest.” Ooooooooooooooooooo

Copia didn’t say a word, he just moved his hands to your waist and then lifted you onto the dresser. STAYFUCKINGCALM.jpg

“I have a reputation to uphold Principessa.” ✨

___________

Chapter Seven: The Ministry

tumblr user @ramblingoak you are simply too damn CLEVER

I just. This is… my favorite chapter? They’re all my favorite chapter. But the whole concept is so cohesive and the characterization is so specific and I can see the scenes in my mind??

“I do and if you could bring yourself to give a shit about anything but getting your dick wet you should too.” it’s funny, it’s in-character, it crystallizes this relationship, I’m ??

Copia kissed with his whole body. Ehehehe…

“Copia! These are clean sheets keep him away.” / “Ai, Brizio is clean.” Cope is not here for the #BrizioDisrespect

More hair was hanging down and you couldn't help but hesitantly reach out to brush it back just like he did to your own hair. / “Go to sleep, Principessa.” / You jumped at the sound of his voice, jerking your arm back and shoving it under the covers.

Before he could answer the door to his office burst open, Mist quickly striding in. The look on her face was one Secondo hadn’t seen for nearly 10 years. OH SHIT OH FUCK

__________________________

Chapter Eight: Playing House

Th.e.. The whole chapter. .

Dewdrop flinched when Ethel pushed the end of the barrel closer to him./ “Nothing! Unholy shit, your barn is fine!” / hehehe

The ROSARY WHAT IF I SOB

“Do you remember this morning, Principessa? When you said I could touch you?”

“I’ve been thinking about touching you here all day.” OAAAAAKK

“Because it’s getting harder for me to stop.” BOY

“Did you rub your clit like this? Is this what you like?” gaaaaaaaaaa

Every time you tried to reach for him he’d gently press you back down into the bed. “Soon, Principessa. Soon, I promise you.”

“So this is what you do when I leave, eh?” oop. Maybe .😳

“Ciao, Principessa.” Copia turned towards you and gave you a lazy grin. “Cat got your tongue?” king shit

“Mr. Emeritus put a shirt on!” HEHE

The doggy hair shake so cute I SWOON

“Tsk, so many buttons. I’m not sure I like this skirt.”

“What can I…Copia what should I do?” / “Just touch me, it won’t take much.” GAH

Copia twitched and hissed when you lightly nipped the skin under his jaw. “Ok, ok fine. You’re developing some bad habits, Principessa.” PLEASE why isn’t he REAL

You squealed and kissed Copia on the cheek, blushing a bit when you realized you’d done that in front of the others. Ehehehe yayyy

______

I really hope this is amusing for you rather than annoying ---- thanku so much for putting so much time and effort into this fic. It's been not-so-easy being human lately, and you made my night much brighter !!

um again I'm @copium-copia if you wanna be ghesties or anything

It's not annoying at all!! Oh my gosh, you are so sweet 😭

I appreciate you taking the time to find your favorite parts. I appreciate you taking the time to READ my story to begin with. I'm so glad you are enjoying it and I hope you continue to do so! You're the best, thank you sooooo much 💙

[bakurapika]

not especially like explicit or anything but just being safe lol

edit: apparently tumblr doesn't use a readmore unless you have some text in front of it now??? real cool tumblr

was reading some old pr0n comics for a history lesson (no, really!!!) and god it sure does teach you history!

they're called "tijuana bibles" for what i'm sure is a racist reason, sorry. but they're like 8-page dirty comics. and obviously i like the ones with a punchline lol

but! also! education. for one thing, there's a lot more bi & gay shit in there than you would expect! i assume they were for more of a male audience (based on context but also content?) but then again, who knows? there weren't any lesbian scenes that weren't part of a threeway in the collection i read, but there WERE male gay scenes on their own. seemed like the universal term/slur? was fairy

but speaking of vocab, i knew vaguely that "jazz" had some sexual connotations once upon a time, but at least 3 or 4 of these actually used it as a synonym for "fuck." eg "jazzing my wife" or w/e. so that's fun??

also i guess just the variety of content would rival what i would expect from some random pr0n i would find today? as in, different acts, diff ages. which isn't like Surprising, but you don't get to see a lot of that kind of thing from Olden Days when they were So Proper or w/e.

[genderlessjacky]

THE NEW FUCKING EPISODE OF HELLUVA BOSS IM.sO NORMAL. THE LAST SCENE BRO THE LAST SENE HIT DIFF SPOLIERS AHEAD YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

LOOK AT HIM LOOK HOW SAD AND LONELY AND EMPTY HE IS HE IS RELIVING WHAT HAPPEND TO HIM AT STRIKERS LAIR YOU BITCH WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BOY

LOOK AT HIM WHEN HE LIFTS UP THE PHONE LOOK HOW EMPTY HE IS HE ISNT EVEN SHOCKED THAT SOMEONE SENT HIM SOMETHING HE MUST HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE AND FANS SENDING STUFF TO HIM BUT HE DOESNT C A R E BECAUSE THAT FAN DOESNT ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HIM AND IS CLOSE TO HIM BUT HE SEES THEM ANYWAYS BC ITS HIS ONLY FORM OF COMMUNICATION OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD

I JUST NEED TO POINT OUT AGAIN HOW SAD AND LONELY HE IS HE IS STILL FRESH OUT OF FUCKING TORTURE AND TRAMATIZED ANDANDNAJSAJShu

HE HAS HIS DAUGHTER AS HIS WALLPAPER OH MY GOD HE IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE A GOOD DAD TO HER I CANT-

LOOK AT THE MESSAGES WITH BLITZ FOR A SECOND AND REALIZE HOW IT DIDNT START AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAT IT STARTED OUT ON THE TOP OF IT THAT MEANS STOLAS HAS BEEN READING THE MESSAGES WITH BLITZO BECAUSE THATS HOW MUCH HE MISSES HIM AND HE WANTS HIM TO BE BY HIS SIDE AND HE JUST GENUINELY LOVE HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS AND YOU SEE THE MESSAGES?? THIS ALSO HINTS AT HE IS TRYING TO CONVINCE BLITZO THAT HE DOESNT JUST CARE ABOUT SEX HE ALSO LOVES HIM AND C A R E S A BOUT SINCE THE OZZIES

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS WHEN HE GETS THE MESSAGE FROM BLITZ ONE SINGLE MESSAGE FROM HIM MAKES HIM SMILE AND HE LOOKS SO HAPPY

GUYS LOOKAHOW FAST HIS MOOD CHANGES WHEN HE REALIZES BLITZ IS NOT GONNA RESPOND HE LOOKS SO HOPELESS AND EMPTY HE JUST WANTS BLITZ TO BE WITH HIM AT HIS LOWEST AND WEAKEST BUT WHEN HE REALIZES HE CANT HAVE THAT HE LOSES ALL HOPE

AND INSTEAD OF PUTTING THE PHONE BACK W/ HIS POWERS LIKE HE DID BEFORE HE USES HIS HANDS BECAUSE THAT HOW WEAK HIS STATE IS HE CANT EVEN DO MAGIC ANYMORE

IT ZOOMS OUT AND NOW ITS REVEALED THAT HE HAS A LOT OF FLOWERS , THE S A M E FLOWERS NOT DIFFERENT BUT SAME THAT REPESENTS HOW EVERY FAN OF HIS IS THE SAME THEY JUST PITY HIM AND WANT HIS ATTENTION BUT HE KNOWS THAT , HE K N O WS THATS WHY THE ONLY THING THAT MADE HIM HAPPY WAS THE TEXT FROM BLIZTO NOT ANY OF THE FLOWERS BUT B L I Z T O BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE HE CARES ABOUT AND THE ONLY PERSON HE CAN ACTUALLY RELY ON BUT HE ISNT THERE SO STOLAS HIS JUST LEFT THERE TO BE HOPELESS

ALSO NOTICE HOW THE ROOM LIGHTING IS PINK?? THIS SAYS PINK IS A NURTURING PLAYFUL AND N O S T A L G I C COLOR THAT MEANS AT THAT MOMENT HE WAS TRYING TO BLOCK OUT ALL THE MEMORIES HE HAD WITH STRIKER BUT IS FAILING SO HE IS TRYING TO THINK OF HIS CHILDHOOD , WISHING HE WAS INNOCENT AGAIN W I SH I N G HE WAS WITH BLITZ AGAIN IN THIS EASSY I WIL

[darklordofthesimp]

also HOW DARE YOU here I was thinking I was over birdy's accident and now I had to (I had to ok. I will literally read anything u write) read it from a diff perspective???? and price being there all hot older and sad aka super hot???? I multitasked so hard lmaooo

You know that scene in Harry Potter where Ron opens a letter and it's just his mom fucking screaming "R O N A L D W E A S L E Y"

That's the vibe I got from opening this fucking ask 😂😂😂💀💀👹🤺

LISTEN

NO ONE GETS TO ESCAPE BIRDY TRAUMA

[dykeseinfeld]

u asked someone to remind you to post about your pjo dual protagonist thalia/bianca au and i am SO intrigued by this idea please say more

anon asked: hey queen hope your homework went good yesterday 🌸…now what were you saying about thalia and bianca 😳 ?

ok y’all i’m here...the moment almost none of y’all have been waiting for....bianca/thalia protagonists with alternating pov’s au

warning it’s kind of super long and may or may not read like a 2nd grader’s semi-coherent game of pretend so under the cut it goes!

so the main things you need to know about this au are 1. thalia survives and 2. annabeth’s + luke’s ages are a lil diff bc canon is my sandbox 3. i can’t decide if percy exists in this au or not (maybe y’all can help me decide?)

so the first book:

would start a few months after grover brought thalia (12), luke (13), and annabeth (10, not 7)  to camp half blood. they were chased by monsters sent by hades on the way, and thalia almost didn’t survive, but ultimately she got lucky and managed to send a bolt of lightning through her spear for the first time and they made it into camp

it’s been some time so annabeth is happy as a clam in the athena cabin doing her 10-year-old-with-severe-mommy-issues thing and luke is actually pretty popular with the hermes cabin bc he actually Met Their Dad Holy Shit and also he’s getting pretty good with a sword

at the same time, thalia is alone in the zeus cabin. everyone has been freaking out bc they all saw the huge bolt of lightning that incinerated a couple hellhounds as they made their grand entrance and What The Fuck Child Of The Big Three???

she’s also further isolated because chiron will take her for private training sessions sometimes, since she is clearly really powerful already and also Hades Himself was trying to kill her (chiron told her the reason was the big three’s pledge not to have kids, and maybe about the great prophecy? if he tells her that then she’s sworn to secrecy)

once grover leaves on another protector assignment, thalia mostly hangs out with luke, and annabeth. luke + annabeth both will try to eat meals with her at the zeus table but annabeth doesn’t want to get in trouble and luke is genuinely making friends in the hermes cabin so thalia will feel bad sometimes and send him back

kronos, seeing this bitter isolated child of the big three’s dreams: it’s free real estate

MEANWHILE

hades is Pissed that thalia survived and zeus got to break their oath And get the glory of a prophecy child

so he sends someone to take bianca (12) and nico (10) out of the lotus hotel and casino a little early.

grover is still their protector, but since the Stirring hasn’t begun in earnest yet and hades is lowkey determined to keep them safe, they make it back to camp half blood with no escort/incident

bianca + nico are put into the hermes cabin, and luke kinda takes them under his wing bc while he’s not bitter he still needs therapy bc this 14 year old has never met a pre-teen he couldn’t try to parent

luke introduces nico and annabeth since they’re the same age and they become really good friends!! she Loves mythomagic and he thinks her dagger is super cool and they’re both just really excited about camp <3

bianca is more reserved and resistant to the whole thing, and she wanders around alone exploring and runs into thalia in the zeus cabin

at this first meeting they get into a bit of a fight bc bianca is still in shock/denial about the gods being real, but thalia at this point has zero patience for this

anyway after that and maybe another scuffle during capture the flag or something they hit it off and become best friends in the way girls can, especially bonding over how they’ve both had to take on raising annabeth and nico basically on their own at the age of 12

~QUEST TIME~

thalia is given a quest for [unspecific reason] and chooses bianca and luke, they go off leaving annabeth and nico frustrated at home

quest hijinks etc, bianca is trying to figure out her parentage + her weird mysterious powers? and thalia is arguing with luke because he’s settling into camp/hero life really well actually but she’s getting progressively angrier with the gods for trying to kill her and also keeps getting dreams from kronos and doesn’t get why he doesn’t seem to remember all of the shit that the gods have put him through

bianca + thalia have las-vegas-style-heart-to-hearts where thalia shares her tragic backstory about her mother and her brother and how hades tried to kill her and even about the great prophecy and how she’s trying on this quest bc of that and her dad but at the same time these dreams are making her suspicious that he might’ve been responsible for her mom’s death.

bianca then shares her own stuff, about how terrified she was being on her own with nico having to protect him but also not remembering most of her childhood and not remembering her parents or how she ended up in the care of this lawyer and just the absolute mindfuckery that her memories/past are

luke is asleep in those scenes i guess lol 🧍‍♂️

anyway eventually they finish their quest in this massive climactic battle where bianca discovers her powers in a huge-showy-”i’m the ghost prince”-way and is formally claimed by hades which thalia sees as this Massive Betrayal obviously and bianca is horrified too because she knows what hades did to thalia but at the same time she’s just so happy to finally understand at least part of her past

thalia just reaches a breaking point though because everyone around her just doesn’t understand her anger and just when she thought she had found another sympathetic person who understood what she was going through she joins hades??? no. no fucking way. kronos reveals that he’s the one who has been sending her dreams, prob by sending some messenger who he possesses or smthing and when he offers thalia the chance to join him? she does (dun dun dun)

main beats of the rest of the series:

thalia and bianca on opposite sides of the war training to be the prophecy child, they come together a Lot and have like melodramatic fight scenes where they talk out their anger and try to get the other to join them bc they don’t want to kill each other

luke is extremely conflicted/betrayed and there’s a titan’s curse moment prob towards the end of the third book where they’re fighting and thalia is trying to get her to go with him but here he actually does go to join her (gasp!!) and is evil for at least one book but his heart’s not in it and he goes back to the good side eventually

by the point of luke’s betrayal, annabeth and nico are growing and developing and old enough to go on quests w bianca and by the last book they’re a main trio of sorts and their hypothetical character development is already making me emotional

there’s just a lot of general sexiness with foils and inner conflicts and bianca doesn’t even want to be the prophecy child but she needs to for the fate of the world and bianca is so angry at thalia bc thalia is a daughter of zeus and could control her powers and is perfect and just meant to be the prophecy kid, not some daughter of hades who they didn’t even have a cabin for before

hm maybe by either the last or second-to-last book thalia + bianca are close to reconciling or at least their interests are aligned for the moment and they read the text of the prophecy together and things go Wild bc they both think “single choice shall end his days” either is about luke or nico and it turns up the gas to their fighting both of them care about both of them and yeah

and then i can’t decide if there’s romantic arcs at all but if there were it would go like this:

just a dash of thaluke where at first it was luke having a one-sided crush but thalia misses him a Lot after she goes to kronos and wonders if it’s that she misses him or if it’s something More until to get him to defect there’s like a melodramatic moment in the fight where thalia kisses him and they go off to be Evil Together but it ends bc luke doesn’t believe in the cause and only joined her in hopes of getting thalia back to his side

once luke leaves/is kicked out thalia realizes that she didn’t love luke she just wanted a family and also in the second half of the series she realizes she’s a lesbian as a parallel to her redemption arc

bianca meanwhile is unconcerned w romance until she has her botl-hoe-moment where within one book she 1. runs into the hunters on a quest and has a thing with zoe nightshade who tries to get her to join plus tells her about that time she met thalia, 2. she goes to calypso’s island and falls in love w her in the moonlight or w/e and has her what-if moment, and 3. when they meet up that book thalia somehow knew abt zoe + calypso and seems almost angrier abt them  than the war?? weird bc bianca knows that thalia is Totally Straight right??

my main point is that bianca/thalia is our friends-to-enemies-to-lovers endgame thank you i will take my pulitzer now

[diver-up]

like ok w/e ttc is def a filler book in terms of the overall plot but like... there r literally so many fun things that come out of it??? the introduction of bianca and nico/the plot twist that they’re HADES kids... bianca’s DEATH aka the first death in the series that rly hits hard... percy and thalia’s whole rivalry... their little fight during capture the flag... the way percy takes on the prophecy at the end cuz thalia gave it up and he’s not gonna let anything happen 2 nico... the introduction of the hunters + ZOË... rachel shows up for the first time... that cute scene where everyone’s saying diff facts they learned from annabeth bc they love her and pay attention to her when she talks abt architecture. percy and annabeth’s awkward slow dance. idk like when i first read the series when was a kid so much abt this book was so cool and interesting and fun! ttc doesn’t get enough love

[its-musical-dinosaur]

1/3 Want to start by saying ur art style is so cute! Im a former hardcore Rina but now Portwell convert and wanna respond to a prev point you made. I deff dont think Gina and Nini are besties by any means and I wish we had more scenes w/ them this season BUT its safe to say theyre friends who are getting closer. Gina wouldnt just connect anyone w/ her music prod brother. Shes giving Nini a lifechanging oppor to follow her dreams. G obvs cares about her friendship w/Ni. The

diff b/t Ricky and EJ is the fact Ni never loved EJ. He was always a rebound/plot device for her. G starting a romantic relationship w/ Ricky at this point would jeopardize her friendship w/ Ni b/c the prob is Rini are still in love. They broke up b/c they still love e/o not b/c they stopped and they dont wanna hold e/o back (2.08). This is coming from s/o who could not care less about Rini but the break up scene in 2.08 is very telling. In conclusion Nini is nothing but supp of Gina dating EJ b/c SHES the one to bring it up in 2.10 and even teases Gina about it in good fun. But once Ricky and the choco come up it hits a sore spot. Unfortunately I think Ricky will always be a sore subject for Nini and vice versa unless theyre 100 percent moved on from e/o which theyre not. Sorry this got so long LOL I hope you can see where Im coming from w/ the diff b/t Gina dating EJ vs Ricky as Ninis exes"

1st, Thank you for the compliment on my art :).

2nd, I totally understand that the situations are obviously different between the 2 triangles. I also understand that Gina and Nini are definitely friends, though I will say the writers really only made Gina's brother a music producer just so that they could have Gina make the call for Nini. In my opinion, it didn't really make sense to me why Gina would do that because once again we haven't seen them interact enough to see them get to that point of being friends. Once again though, I'm gonna blame that on bad writing.

Now of course Ricky and Nini still have love for each other, but it's safe to say based on the finale that they got some closure. They're childhood best friends (though the show did a terrible job of showing that but whatev lol) so I don't think they'll ever be 100% moved on from each other but I think the finale was definitely the start of reaching that point.

We know for a fact that Nini knew what was going on between Rina, so when they do get together (which cmon it's obvious they will), by that point Gina and Nini might be at a point where it wont even really bother Nini anymore, with her priorities more solely on her music and because they're both her friends, but that's just wishful thinking on my end

Lastly, I still find it hard to believe though that everybody noticed Gina and Ej, but no one noticed Gina and Ricky?? This show's writing gets on my nerves lmao

[misterbitches]

was v miserable so i rewatched blih

the consensus is that his ex bf is an abuser right even tho the little prince goes a bit diff and i don't love the interpretation (as of rn) as they see fit.

who is the prince or fox? the rose is the narcissistic one who preys off the prince—in the end the prince apologizes just like st exupery to his real wife essentially saying "i just have realized the pain you caused me was part of your way of loving. i should have spent more time appreciating it" idr if i read if st. exupery got back together w/ his wife who was apparently emotionally terrible but he loved her fiercely. for the prince he was willing to go back to justify the "different" love

which is why "the fox and the rose just showed love differently" i really like st. exupery's thoughts and style of writing in french and english and he had a really tranquil mind (and anti-nazism!!! shocking bc france esp at that time) i feel and while TLP is a critique of like growing up too fast, stifling the minds of kids, love, life, mortality. like a kid who goes to make the same mistakes. even if b612 fails to exist he had to go back and find the rose even though that could have made him well...die

we'll see how it goes but i think it would be sad to see his actions justified in any way which i dnt think they will. it's weird, the idea of the rose fills me with a lot more dread as i grow up knowing the relationship with my parents was that codependency and entrapment, that i didnt understand their love, and emotionally immature, non empathetic, toxic people will drain that out of you even with the nicest of intent.

it makes me sad that they (prince, exupery) viewed it that way although the narrator—perhaps the author in a literal sense—seems to know that he's heading first into danger. he's in awe but confused why someone would sacrifice like that esp when they know it will fail

the really beautiful ending about mortality or w/e doesnt have anything to do with this but mostly like a child, like me, you keep going back trying to win their love. it doesnt feel good, something is off, and you know it's wrong and maybe you're going to tell them. they can't leave you they'll love you. you need them.

ANYWAYS it's a v specific parallel but i dont think the prince, exupery, and certainly not jin yu zhen think staying/leaving discredits the love they had but you realize that something isn't right

also i have 1 complaint abt the show well 2 but these are nitpicks but f-r-ankly i think the alienation from the nickel allergy is a bit....i kinda wish they researchedit more../bc i did...and it doesnt work that way thru food lmao like ur body has a systemic reaction via the food which encourages a literal reaction or buildup over time...but....not immediately... 2nd complaint: THE FUCKING SOUND AND EDITING OF THE SOUND. AND EDITING SOMETIMSE TOO. CLEAN UP THE FUCKING SOUND, FADE THAT SHIT, AND MAKE YOUR EDIT TIGHTER SO WE DONT' HAVE TO SEE SOMEONE DOING THE SAME THING TWICE BC OF ANOTHER TAKE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

this has been bugging the fuck out of me there arent many glaring mistakes and i'm fine with certain things i wish had more weight to them IE insecurity via allergy instead of something a bit more substantial or indicative of someone shaming him and making other ppl make fun of bc ya know...abuse but anyways look.

it's clear their editors are fine. but i cannot believe you would allow yourself to not pay attention enough that EYE CAN HEAR THE AUDIO CUTS WITHOUT MY EARPHONES ON. how do you not put a fade in between that? even if it doesn't work you cannot do that it takes you out of the fucking scene

and i'm sorry the action doesnt work if your'e repeatedly not cutting at the right point. these consistent issues show me there's a rush job and people are not fully checking these cuts or are like "LOL NO TIME" for the most part everything else is fine other than some unmotivated techniques but i love it tbh (like a zoom out is a fav even tho they didnt need to do that in the show where yu zhen and shi lei meet up in teh street and t zooms out why did they do that? who knows but i liked it. didnt fit tho)

[seokjinnieb]

wwx and jyl’s relationship has to be the most devastating thing to me. it’s the way she’s one of the very few people he always, and i mean always, listens to. when he had the fight with her future husband (yeah idk his name tbh... was it jin xiuan?) and literally everyone is trying their hardest to stop him but one word from jyl and he stops. it’s the same when they have that hunting thing later and everyone’s just ganging up on him.

their relationship is actually very precious tbh. and i think one of the main reasons why wwx values jyl so much is bc she is one of the very few people in his whole fucking life who’s been there for him. esp emotionally. when the jiang sect’s leader (i have realised i’m horrible w names so i’m just... yeah) brings him home, he finds a safe place. in at least materialistic ways. he isn’t hunting for food and starving and being chased around by dogs and what not. but is he emotionally safe? it’s not hard to predict that he def wasn’t welcome there. the madam ( i hate how bad i am at names, brain pls work) is def not thrilled and we see that jc is also not thrilled to have him there. ofc i guess it isn’t his fault bc it feels like wwx is disrupting his life but nevertheless his actions still affect wwx. even though he was brought to a house, he’s not welcome and from what i’ve gathered even the sect leader wasn’t the best at having him adjust there w everyone and being there for him. which is when jyl enters. she’s the one person who comes after him, who’s there to support him (literally and metaphorically tbh) and he finds one person to lean on. and he’s the kind of person who doesn’t do it often but he does seek comfort from her bc she’s literally one of the only person who was really ever there for him, at least emotionally. and she’s damn good at it tbh bc she’s literally the mediator btw jc and wwx bc wow can those two not communicate even though they do care for eo. this is one of the reason why, although they live e/o a lot, wwx doesn’t really ever depend on jc.

on the contrary, i think wwx is the one who has to often be there for jc. whether jc wants it or asks for it is a diff topic. like in the scene where wwx comes home after the whole tortoise thing and the fight happens. the madam says so much shit and it is about wwx’s parents too. yes ofc jc is also hurt but imagine having to sit through all that jc’s mother says about his parents. it must have hurt so much, esp bc we see multiple times that wwx is extremely eager to know more about his family and he’s very very fucking desperate to find any connection to them. and yet, he goes and comforts jc. now jc never asks him for it, on the contrary he shuts off and walks away. but wwx goes behind him and does everything in his power to remind him of their tech “master-servant” relationship. this was just one of the scenes but i’m pretty sure things went the same way everytime jc’s mother decided to shit talk and made comments about wwx’s parents and her own son’s abilities (like wow woman, way to parent well. remind ur son how fucking incapable he is all the time).

and then the sect leader. he def prefers wwx over jc (way to parent dude. this couple really deserves the best parenting couple award. why did they even have children omg). but this favouritism is one of the reasons that i think wwx cannot depend on him. bc it always leads to a conflict and a mad wife at the very least or an upset jc. it’s not the very ideal situation.

ofc the madam is not someone he can ever depend on. and that only leaves jyl, the only person he can turn to in his whole “family”. it’s no wonder that he loves her and respects her so much. and ofc we see how much she also cares for him :( their whole relationship just makes me feel so many things.

and i think one of the best scenes for me is when jyl stand up for wwx during the hunting thing. it just shows their relationship so perfectly. she’s there for him when no one is. literally no one, not one soul ever stands up for wwx when he’s being cornered by the literally everyone around him. but there jyl is, supporting him like she always has. even if no one stands by his side, she is there. always.

[lunchador]

so when do we get the long post about your feelings about dragon age inquisition!!! i dunno if u wanna wait until dlc or not! i am i n t e r e s t e d (also its ok if u dont feel up to it im just!!!! again, interested in ur opinions/feelings)

kajsldkjf PLEASE I HAVE SO MANY DA FEELINGS ALL THE TIME and Inquisition was twice as long as the others so might as well do a word vomit now and I can always do another after the dlc (which several people have assured me are worth playing )

SO

Yeah so inquisition is long. I dislike open world games so a lot of the (super repetitive!!) side quests did grate on my nerves and that docks this game a few points but over all the LORE IS SO GOOD, and it tying in so many choices in from 1+2 is the greatest butterfly effect I ever experienced in video games. I thought telltale + Until dawn were fun for that but good LORD bioware has showed up all of those games and I am really stoked to try mass effect when its out later and play more bw games. I only played Anthem before this and that game seemed...idk, gutted against BW’s wishes.

ANYWAY

Yeah, I managed to go into the whole DA series knowing very, very little, despite how many artists I followed did fanart for it. Once I started playing, I added all the words I could think of to my blacklist but a lot of untagged stuff came through (fair, series is 10+ years old and inq is like what 4-5?). I allowed my friends to pressure me into playing an elf mage for the lore and to romance solas cuz they said he was as important to the story as alistair was. A lot of online followers said I should play how I wanted, which I def would recommend to anyone else, but honestly I can see where they came from and while he never would have been my first choice, I think he actually paired REALLY well with my Inq and how I was playing her. I put her as sensitive but trying to put her responsibility above herself, she was definitely the least funny of my 3 characters, but not incredibly serious. A bit reserved? Just more mature. She’s got faith but she didn’t think she was the chosen one but she’ll do her role the best of her ability. She makes hard decisions and then sobs her chest empty over them because how is one to ever feel like its the right one? I really like how the game lets you choose how you wanna approach the responsibility. Like i said, I wasn’t a reluctant chosen one, but she will do what she can. Versus my friend playing at the same time as me said he played as the second coming of jesus essentially lmfao Having so many characters come back for different roles was so GOOD!!! Like everyone told me Varric was in this one but were like ‘teehee you still cant romance him though’ but you how you play drastically changes your relationships with each person. Tons of characters I met I knew would be personal favorites but I ended up interacting way less because others were more fitting to my inquisitor. So i.e while I love Varric and would’ve smooched him a heartbeat with Hawke, I didn’t get that vibe with Clover. They were really good friends, he was a grounded friend with a sense of humor that was a good escape from everyone else and the ~inquisition~. At least, until the Beyond the Abyss quest. That obviously heavily fractured their friendship and hurt them both :( And i felt that for a long time, until the end. He looked tired. Poor guy is gonna be borderline dead in 4 at this point. But so many side characters you talk to coming back like Dagna and Samson??? Speaking of that quest, I got Stroud because, yeah...Alistair was dead for me and APPARENTLY IT COULD ALSO BE LOGHAIN??? If he stays a grey warden??  wish I did that so def would’ve preferred to save Hawke even if I think the wardens are more important as a concept but like.......i wanted to behead him, so....But yes even tiny details like..Varric wrote home to kirkwall to Carver for me because the rest of my family was dead and I never completed a full romance in 2 lkajslkdjf but the fact that changes based on your play through. BUT YEAH THE way this game weaves all your decisions in and how yeah, overall the story is the same but it makes it so personal to YOU and so different from everyone else ;w;

But I could see my Inq genuinely falling for Solas, and I see her best friends as Cassandra and Blackwall/Thom. Really close to Leliana and the Iron Bull as well. I just loved all their interactions. All the characters were so cool to get to know?? Like I thought I would’ve hated Cullen (hes a dick in O) and tbh I just got into the series as the VA was being a complete shit. But I liked him a lot!! I love the work buddies vibes between the Inq and the advisors. I thought I was going to love Sera!! And like, I did, but she hated my Inquisitor and their personalities clashed a lot. Shes the only one i didn’t get a cut scene for in the end :’) I loved coming back from story quests and having to take like 20 minutes to go around skyhold and make sure I talked to /everyone/ for their new dialogue. You genuinely feel connected to all these wonderful npcs ljkasljdf

I wanted to make Cassandra the new divine but I made leliana on accident and kinda dug it so I stuck with it. VARRIC IS THE NEW VISCOUNT??? h i l a r i o u s.

One of the things I loved the most in this game in particular, and while this is something in all of them it just really struck me in this one, was....everyone gave up so so much to devote themselves to the cause, y’know?? Like, it’s almost heartbreaking how much everyone loses and they’re still looking towards you with their belief and willingness to follow you to the end ;-;

The final fight almost felt, Idk, underwhelming? Dude dragons are way tougher than him asdkjhfkhjd. I even went up a difficulty in this game after feeling like I got the hang of the series. But at the same time, we just spend how many hours knocking down each and one of his advantages so fuck him lol.

But yeah there are so many things I wanted to do but I felt so worn out by mindless sidequests and story being level locked in comparison to the previous games. askdjhflkd

One of the things that blows my mind is so so many people were stoked i was playing DA and they couldn’t wait til I got to Inq, and so I find out most people I know only ever played Inquisition? TBH if I didn’t play O+2 I think I would’ve dropped inquisition and never finished it *shrug* all of the build up just means SO MUCH!!! Everyones argument seems to be the older games are ugly and yeah O has rough battle system but its easy to get over imo. Like, you need the chaos of 2 to get the real weight of the mage/templar stuff?? Theres so many characters and story and dialogue that go over your head without Origins?? Like yes inq can stand alone pretty well but, idk, I’m in love with this entire series and the world building and THE!! WAY!!! IT!!! ALL!!! CONNECTS!!!!!!!!!!!

I love how a quest can go differently by whos in your party, I love you can have more dialogue based on lore you’ve managed to pick up around, I love HOW COMPANIONS BICKERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! The lore of these games are so good. It’s like playing an epic line of novels. It’s so immersive and I don’t think I’ve played too many games to this level.

I didn’t like the skill trees to being a mage in this one, Idk why. It wasn’t nearly as fun for me as 2, but then  again I really fucking liked being a force mage haha. I wanted to be a rogue to complete a diff class per game but everyone said mage brings a lot more interesting story/lore stuff so

but yeah I love having the full context now and seeing other peoples Wardens/Hawkes/Inquisitors and asking people how they played and how their options differed from mine and THERES JUST SO MANY POSSIBLE DECISION TREES!!!!! No wonder the fans play over and over.

but yeah ultimately so much fucking happened?? I’m probably missing a lot of key points.

[inyoursheets]

author meme

i got tagged by the dear @sothischickshe

im tagging @medievalraven​, @fairhairedkings and @mego42 if you feel like it, no pressure whatsoever

ao3 name: nomind

fandoms: girls, good

number of fics: 7

fic i spent the most time on: warm water! first attempt at multi-chapter paired with inability to outline / zero planning skills equals oceans of time spent trying to figure things out lol

fic i spent the least amount of time on: oh it’s gotta be one of the short smutty ones. i assume take it but maybe it’s some time in your sheets???

most hits: warm water

most kudos: warm water. 666 to be exact. somebody take one for the team and come save my christian ass please

most comments: warm water by far and people are SO nice!!!! and are SO mad at me!!!!! i love it!!!!! it fuels me so much to watch people SufferTM bc i like putting the slow in slowburn (: (: (: im gonna miss that a lot when i finish this fic i imagine

most bookmarks: warm water, but actually not that big a diff w the instigator

highest total word count: also warm water

favourite fic i wrote: ohhh i think it’s a tie between the instigator and warm water. im very glad that i feel like i managed to pull the threesome fic off. there isn’t much i’d change about that fic and im genuinely happy with what i wrote. im glad im satisfied with it!

that said, warm water is my baby bc a) it’s so self-indulgent b) i love torturing people, see above c) im accidentally processing some things through this fic, ew d) it’s been nice to sink my teeth in one story for a longer period of time e) i like that it’s mine? if that makes sense? mine to write, mine to ruin, mine to struggle with. like as much as i hate having to actually write sometimes and as much as i get stuck with the plot sometimes, esp in the second half of the fic, it’s still fun to work it out and write and sometimes suddenly stumble upon a scene that works out better than i expected it to, sometimes surprise myself with how much feeling i could pack into a scene, sometimes reread and genuinely enjoy what i read/like the emotional beats of the story (am i using those words right). so while i complain about writing this fic a lot i also love it

fic i want to rewrite/expand on: one may expect the bounce house guy!AU to be expanded or the exes!AU that i often lament going about too messily, but im actually feeling more inspired to work on a possible follow-up to how do i even... say that? to explore communication during sex bc i find that an interesting topic

share a bit of a wip or story idea you’re working on: i see this was another sneak way of trying to get me to write. disgusting. since i don’t wanna talk about the story ideas flinging through my head bc they deserve no attention until i figure out the final chapters of warm water, i guess you can get a snippet. but! feel my rage!

Beth’s not sure why but the tears are uncontrollable, starting the moment the door closed behind Thanh and showing no signs of stopping. She managed to keep a smile on her face as she kissed him quickly on the lips, feeling the water droplets drip from his just-showered hair as he deepened it a little, slipping a tongue inside her mouth, leaving with a promise to call her later that she wishes he hadn’t made.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Tuesday 27 March 1832: SH:7/ML/E/15/0045

8 ¾

12 ¼

- Let[ter] fr[om] L[ad]y Gordon (Garnestone Hereford 24th  inst[ant]) - 3 p[ages] - fine morn[in]g F[ahrenheit] 62° at 10 in my r[oo]m and 60° at 10 20/: in the blac[on]y - L[ad]y G- [Gordon] h[a]s settl[e]d h[e]r Spanish affairs b[u]t yet hopes to see Sp[ai]n ag[ai]n one of these days - Cosmo to ha[ve] a 5th. share as partner and she tho’ having nothing to receive for eight years has nothing to pay - L[ad]y G- [Gordon] wr[ite]s in good sp[iri]ts - chol[er]a is in Paris, b[u]t this will n[o]t prev[en]t her go[in]g there - we are to settle our plans ‘seat[e]d und[e]r the large tree on the top of the hill in the jardin des Plantes’ ‘and God willing we will see some curious scenes together before we die’ - all in the mind to agree and half sorry at being at all hampered with Miss H- [Hobart]  br[eak]f[a]st at 10 20/: Mr. Wooll ca[me] to measure my b[oo]ks for a box to pack them in and L[ad]y Anne Scott call[e]d ab[ou]t 12 1/2 for ab[ou]t 20 min[ute]s - till then Miss [Hobart] and I had got into talking she not liking my so thorough change reminded her of what she had said last Sunday week   I could understand her marrying but in no other case could I relish her fancy fancying anyone more than myself if there was any change of our ever living together   it seems she has ssome thought she may marry we got on very well till I made some unlucky remark on this subject and she was in tears and I sorry till we w[e]nt out a lit[tle] bef[ore] 1 for an h[ou]r - (Miss H- [Hobart] and I) w[e]nt to Woolls, saunt[ere]d a lit[tle] in the Lond[on] r[oa]d and in front of the Croft and there she took courage to be conciliatory to say she liked me very much and in substance that if she did

SH:7/ML/E/15/0046

not always ssay what I liked  she was afraid to say too soon what might be repented of  afterwards   perhaps that was unkind   no not at all said I understand you your reason is i[n]telligible and I am satisfied  she was pleased to see me take it so well and suffice it to say we became good friends and afterwards went on comfortably and I said I should write differently to Lady G- [Gordon]  from what I had intended and merely say we would settle all in  London I see Miss H- [Hobart] thinks me too old for her I said ten years   but the fact is she likes me or at least does not like the idea of my too easily slipping thro’ her fingers   I become calmer and calmer  resolved and more and more able to look to my own interest   providence orders all things wisely  I will wait patiently the event doing the best I can for myself   but let me keep my heart  aloof and give it less hastily in time to come   I will be rather more liant to Miss H- [Hobart] but after all she has cured me more than perhaps she wished or intended -

asleep in my r[oo]m fr[om] 3 to 4 -

then in 35 min[ute]s wr[ote] the ab[ov]e of today - at 4 20/: turn[e]d to my let[ter] to M- [Mariana] 2 p[ages] writ[ten] on Sun[day] and

near[l]y 1 writ[ten] yest[erday] morn[in]g - do n[o]t like h[e]r to th[in]k my health so m[u]ch the worse for

Hast[in]gs - ‘you are right - I sh[oul] be bet[ter] for 2 or 3 w[ee]ks w[i]th you at Lawt[o]n; b[u]t I can[no]t manage

it now - the bug-bus[ine]ss does really stick terrib[l]y in my throat, in spi[te] of all y[ou]r good reason[in]g

ab[ou]t it - yet ev[e]n if I c[oul]d get it digest[e]d so soon (and y[ou]r infl[uen]ce w[oul]d be all pow[er]ful) still that

w[oul]d n[o]t get rid of the oth[e]r diffic[ultie]s, Shibd[e]n and the carr[ia]ge duty concern - I shall be ver[y] ver[y] sor[ry]

if I do n[o]t see you; b[u]t, at this mom[en]t, I see lit[tle] chance of our manag[in]g an[y]th[in]g like a comf[orta]ble

meet[in]g - the obstac[le]s are fearfully strong on y[ou]r side, and mine too’ - can[no]t get off fr[om] here till the

23[r]d Ap[ril] and shall be oblig[e]d to go to Lond[on] aft[e]r all; for tho’ L[ad]y G- [Gordon] and I ha[ve] been ‘writ[in]g ab[ou]t our

plans; b[u]t it will be decid[edl]y  best to talk them ov[e]r’   I m[u]st be in Lond[on] on the 25th next m[on]th and embark on the 29th

wheth[e]r L[ad]y G- [Gordon] can be ready or n[o]t - determ[ine]d n[o]t to lose the duty

on my carr[ia]ge aft[e]r all the poth[e]r ab[ou]t it - ‘yet the n[o]t see[in]g you will be a gr[ea]t disapp[ointmen]t, a

real afflict[io]n; and the near[e]r the ti[me] co[me]s, the mo[re] I shall feel it, and be irresolute’ - b[u]t hope to

see h[e]r on the oth[e]r side the wat[e]r    ‘It ab[ou]t six m[on]ths s[in]ce I saw you - So[me]how or oth[e]r, I can[no]t

fancy I shall be ver[y] m[u]ch long[e]r bef[ore] I see you ag[ai]n - Mary! I am poth[ere]d ab[ou]t ho[me] concerns, and

can neith[e]r do wh[a]t I wish, or wh[a]t I ought - B[u]t, in the midst of all, the conclud[in]g part of

y[ou]r let[ter] ma[ke]s me laugh - Miss H- [Hobart] ta[ke] up her abode w[i]th me! n[o]t that I kno[w] of or expect -

Do you n[o]t rememb[e]r wh[a]t I ha[ve] alw[a]ys told you? - H[e]r health once reestab[lishe]d, and I count

up[on] her companion[in]g hers[elf] ver[y] diff[erentl]y’ - L[ad]y S- [Stuart] h[a]s been ill - b[u]t is recov[ere]d - is 8 or 9

y[ea]rs young[e]r than my fath[e]r and may ha[ve] sev[era]l comf[orta]ble y[ea]rs to co[me] - can[no]t settle an[y]th[in]g w[i]th

L[ad]y G- [Gordon] in Lond[on] - all this talk[e]d ov[e]r w[i]th M- [Mariana] when I saw h[e]r last, that she kno[w]s up to this

ti[me] as m[u]ch as I do - ‘I cert[ainl]y do wish so[me]th[in]g w[a]s settl[e]d - b[u]t being impat[ien]t does no good; and I

ta[ke] th[in]gs as they co[me], ver[y] quiet[l]y - I th[in]k of noth[in]g as fix[e]d, b[u]t my go[in]g to Paris in the 1

st

inst[an]ce’ - 10 days

quarantine, b[u]t comf[orta]ble temp[orar]y hot[e]ls to perform it in - finish[e]d my let[ter] last 1/3 of p[age] 3.

and long ends and und[e]r the seal sm[all] and close - tell her to ta[ke] care of hers[elf] and wr[ite] me cheer[in]g let[ter]s

I can[no]t bear to th[in]k of n[o]t seeing you ag[ai]n bef[ore] I go - and yet wh[a]t can I do? all my consolat[io]n is, that

all h[a]s been talk[e]d ov[e]r - noth[in]g left unsaid - and if there be an[y]th[in]g new that c[oul]d be add[e]d, perh[aps] it is

that I hope I shall nev[e]r repent the decis[io]n that my a[un]t hers[elf] made, and the break[in]g up our estab[lishemen]t in

Paris - B[u]t this is qui[te] bet[ween] ours[elves]’ ment[ione]d McD-‘s [Macdonald] go[in]g to leave my a[un]t on acc[oun]t of her (McD-‘s [Macdoland])

health - and that they ha[ve] h[a]d the cholera in Paris these 2 m[on]ths - at 5 50/: s[e]nt off my let[ter] to Mrs. Lawt[o]n

Lawt[o]n hall Lawt[o]n Cheshire - wr[ote] 1 p[age] to my a[un]t - dress[e]d - din[ner] at 6 3/4 in 40 min[ute]s - coff[ee] at

8 - won 1 and lost 1 hit at b[a]ckgam[mo]n - fr[om] 9 3/4 in an h[ou]r r[ea]d al[ou]d fr[om] p[age] 101 to 140 ch[apter] 59 vol[ume] xi. Gibb[o]n

ca[me] upst[ai]rs at 11 10/: and to my r[oo]m at 11 1/4 -

very good friends   she asked me to give her a half hoop ruby ring perhaps we shall now go on very well   I have no inclination to teaze her with caresses and ‘tis well -

fine mild day

b[u]t ver[y] lit[tle] sun aft[e]r 11 or 12 in the morn[in]g F[ahrenheit] 63° in my r[oo]m at 11 3/4 p.m. and 41° at 12 in

the balc[on]y - L[ad]y Anne Scott s[e]nt us this ev[enin]g to look Withering’s bot[an]y by MacGillivray 1 vol[ume] [octa]vo cloth

pl[a]tes 10/. - seems useful, and easy, and element[ar]y, and suffic[ientl]y portable

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s the matter of fact text post re: i guess i achieved the goal of an intermittent thing i’d do where i’d try to find anyone online talking about the ‘weird’ experience i have with masturbation which is, inherently, not exciting or anything but it’s like, even if i just Know of course it’s not just me, i want to like, hear someone else talk about anything similar ever, b/c so far it’s just a text post i saw once and can’t ever rediscover and someone talking about their experience that stems from an inapplicable physical trauma so....Yay, seeing as it’s been years i’ve been like “seriously though” lmao  

i was like Lol @ myself b/c i was like “man after i try for like 30 sec to crank it it a) doesn’t go anywhere hardly and b) i lose interest Way fast and it’s like mildly annoying” and so i thought about that post that’s like [me after sex: well that was a waste of my goddamn time. anyway back to speedrunning] but that’s me after a halfhearted attempt to masturbate and not really getting anything out of it anyways lmaoo like. it’s okay or i wouldn’t even bother fairly regularly but also it tends to end with like, me going off on a distracted tangent for even a moment and it can just hit an absolute brick wall like okay i don’t even have the Interest in continuing with this anymore like i might’ve had before starting like Well That Was A Waste Of My Goddamn Time Anyway Back To [whatever it is that i do]

and then like either that same night or the next my dreams had the audacity to get deeply uncomfortable for no reason like. all i do is have Anxiety Dream Themes thrown together where like. for example as i write this, two nights ago i had a dream segment about “i’m on vacation at the beach” but it was all Anxiety b/c it’ll all be about how i can hardly visit said beach coz i keep getting sidetracked at the hotel or w/e while i’m Trying to visit it while i still can, and last night i had the same Theme but trying and failing to ride roller coasters (which i Enjoy irl) and like, the beach one in particular recurs not Too infrequently lmao where i’m surprised by the rarity of something like “you’re at the beach and it’s fun” lol.......i don’t have anything i’d call a nightmare too often but Anxiety / a somewhat threatening/worrisome situation is like, fairly constant lol, with some occasionally more neutral stuff and a really rare Fun Dream but anyways it was still Bizarre that my dreams pitched me “you’re Someone who i guess is dating this abstract Partner and the scenario is you feel obligated to have sex with them” and it was weird like, woke up the next day like “why did my brain drag me through this deeply unpleasant dream situation” like. not totally unheard of for my dreams to touch on a Scene ft. sex and/or physical intimacy and even on occasion it’ll be an “i’m (or whoever i am as a maybe semi-abstract First Person camera character lol maybe ft. some particular concept attached to the ‘role’) having some sexual encounter and it’s Fine or enjoyable” but it’s generally fleeting As Per Usual Dream Structure and it’s like why was this one that sucked like, particularly dragged out by those usual dream standard’s, come on

anyways so going “haha i’m living the Waste Of My Goddamn Time thing” and “well thank you to my own brain for a bizarre and unpleasant experience while i’m just trying to be passed tf out” i was like “let’s look up again why not only can i not seem to orgasm but also like even expecting a way lower level of stimulation still Disappoints sometime like why do i bother” and yeah after first going the “does anyone Never manage to Not slam into a brick wall / basically completely lose interest all at once or practically all at once even and it all goes back to zero even if you started at like maybe a 1 or 1.5 and sometimes it happens with going down a random mental track” route i interestingly got some cis guys going “yeah hate when that happens on occasion” but yeah by now i had of course given up on “can i come at this from an [experiencing sensory input and processing from an autistic angle] angle” like. idk still interested in that of course lmao but god is searching for it a bit exhausting. but yeah after i threw in an [-erectile] search modifier i got was like oh a result on a site about asexuality re: masturbation, why didn’t i think of That angle. idk but here we are

informative stuff but the comments section where people who wanted to read an [about: masturbation] on a site About asexuality were talking about their experiences was like. i had mentioned how it was Enlightening that one person said I Do Not Enjoy Orgasms lol like i have not really heard that angle vs “you might not enjoy sexual stimulation” and/or “you might not be able to orgasm” but not you Can orgasm but you Might Not Even Like It Really like. the person said yes they got the Peak Of Intense Pleasure out of the orgasm but not so much any kind of afterglow and felt like they get dropped back to where they were before even trying to masturbate (aka. square zero again lol) and just yeah outright mentioned Not Enjoying it and another person replied like Yep it’s like that for me too.........already i’m like man i don’t even approach anywhere near an orgasm Ever but man would not be surprised if, even if i theoretically was capable of the physical experience, it would be the same as this way lower level Waste Of My Goddamn Time deal lol.......it’s Hilarious too that like. say “being at all in the mood to try to spank it” is a Square/Level 1, i feel like yeah most of the time i’m only getting this shit going to a 1.5, maybe a 2 or 2.5 if we’re on fire......very very very rarely have i been like “hey that was like, a 3 or some shit, damn” and honestly it’s not like oh so that ruled and is motivation to continue b/c like. the Surprise of it throws me off and it’s not necessarily that Great a surprise, more just like, jeez, idk, it feels like A Bit Much that basically registers as Tension where i’m hardly encouraged to keep it up like, makes me wonder if that’s a Sensory Processing Thing aka how sometimes i try to get any more in depth info on the logistics of Experiencing Sexual Stimulation re: also being autistic and the variety of ways that can unfold (i do know that like. the Sensory thing apparently can sure be a factor in either direction, i.e. might cause some ppl to really not enjoy sexual stimulation Or to like, super enjoy it. allistic ppl who might realize “thinking sex is awesome” is “”normal,”” brilliant.....like u didnt also “realize” that stims like fidget cubes and weighted blankets can be enjoyed “”normally”” like. still having a diff experience here and shut it) and i remember one time i was like “c’est la vie i will purchase a vibrator (and i got a second, external one as some deal going on)” and it was just a No Go b/c. it didn’t feel “bad” in that it was not necessarily like, yep here’s some sexual stimulation, but it was like, overwhelming in a Not Good way, yet also not physically painful, and i realize vibrators are made w/ different intensities and i definitely got Mildest ones so it wasn’t that

anyways like yeah #tbt to a time i really gave it a go (vibrator-less) for truly just short of two solid hours......plenty of that was me at Square Zero and getting back to level 1 alone (aka like. feeling Any positive response at all lmao) was kind of an achievement and maybe there was some 1.5 or 2 in there but it wasn’t like i felt that motivated and Just Keeping At It was not necessarily helping so. that was a waste of my goddamn time

can’t really remember what i was doing differently the last time i kicked things up to maybe a solid 2-3 Zone for truly like One Moment lol.....think i was just getting a little more hands on (since usually a spike in intensity makes me go “[?? / !!] whoa :/” and i lose Any momentum and/or “progress”) and that spike in intensity made me go [?? / !!] Whoa :/ and it didn’t matter, just got back to zero as always, and it’s not like these “Achievements” are “Enlightening” where i’m then like wow everyone’s right, really Trying with this shit pays off like lol. i still make a cursory effort but really just to burn off that Level 1-ness if anything like. kinda like “yeah neat here we go” but like. probably literally a minute or two later it’s like well Anyways.......another fun detail is that it’s not Always like “oh i got off on some mental sidetrack and losing focus = losing like All of even this low level of arousal and im back at zero” like, i might be in the middle of things and Lose Interest even while i’m currently experiencing a nonzero level of “yep this is some sexual stimulation” lol but it’s just like smh Whatever @ it......like, on the one hand the Tension of the stimulation gets in its own way, but if i entirely lose that then it’s like well okay this isn’t gonna go anywhere, may as well stop

so anyhow here’s the Particular Comment where i was like “wow this is so similar to #me that i guess i’ve finally found Someone Talking About It* (*however it goes for me)”

i can’t say i’ve done the Holding My Breath thing on Purpose but now sometimes i do notice i do it (and have probably Been doing it) lol like oh there i went and Exhaled in a [was holding my breath] way lol coz like they say there with the Loss Of Any Tension and the Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing like yeah lmao. and very same with the Five Minutes Max thing b/c yeah it really can be even less than One Minute sometimes before it’s like yeah square zero or just i lose enough interest anyways, getting bored like they say, ugh like it’s a brief description obviously lmao but i’m like god well there it is i guess, the [i know it’s not Just Me experiencing this like this but i’d still fucking like to find anyone else actually talking about it] account For Once Finally, thanks for putting it out there, Disappointed and a lil bored

naturally there are also ppl in the comments talking about how masturbation is an enjoyable thing for them and particular tips there but like it is Hilarious to me how a) some people orgasm easily or like. orgasm if they put effort into masturbation lmaooo like fucking imagine. and b) idk it’s like well i’m sure i’ve made hundreds of attempts and not even any Near Misses, it is simply like, not happening and c) yet at the same time Like This Commenter it’s like “well is there just another way of doing it i somehow haven’t hit on” like naturally i have to wonder like well idk maybe it’d be diff with a sexual partner b/c yknow, the same stimulation from Someone Else vs Yourself, and yet d) ha ha of course i haven’t had sex which people Don’t think of as Not A Joke lmao i referred to this fact abt myself with some casual humor to someone and my temper flared up when that was later taken as a Cue for someone who is not me to jokingly reference it (by Temper Flaring i mean i got annoyed enough to go Do Not Do That e.g. the post that’s like “[asserts one boundary] i’m not a people pleaser anymore i’m actually a huge cunt now”) and i probably shouldn’t feel like i have to “justify” this as well somehow other people have probably tried to Make A Move re: me but i have not been into it like well, what if nobody had ever been Interested that i knew of, that would be fine too, but. i am aware that ppl think of this as a joke still lmao, and i have to say that. im already doing letters like a) b) c) aren’t i but whatever, starting over a) well i haven’t had All the opportunity in the world as i have at various points (but basically continuously) for various reasons been pretty isolated and b) idk i have not had all these signs that point to me wanting to have sex with people exactly lmao but it’s like, c) even if i go “well maybe there’s Exceptions out there or Situations That Will Be Conducively Different Than The Limited Range Of Ones I’ve Had So Far” it’s like, okay, i could still just continue to feel “nah :/” re: any “opportunity” that ever presents itself or whatever. it is all very abstract for me anyways, so it’s like, whatever. but i’m also not the most Glad to discuss it b/c idk a lot of this stuff i know is like A Joke including how i’m still simmering with resentment from a year ago or more over some Tweet i saw trying to dunk a meme about how asexuals are Anti-Psychology like, that’s an entire Other Essay there but needless to say for one thing i just pre-resent people hearing “could being autistic factor into the particular experience i have losing interest / arousal so easily (and inevitably as it’s big time primary anorgasmia around here)” and going “aha that makes sense b/c being ace means there’s something Dysfunctional going on cuz Lbr and bieng autistic means being a Fucked Up version of an allistic person and your autistacity is going to fuck up things about you which ought to function properly” like well that feeds right into itself in a loop and i hate it. and i know the whole “hehe someone who hasn’t had sex is a loser” thing is way engrained in there lmao ppl throw that punchline out all the time and like, idk, see the (i’m autistic) thing like it’s not like this is an unprecedented concept or the only front on which im like “i Know this is a thing ppl negatively judge in general but i also Know i do not buy into that or feel bad about it” like i do not personally consider myself cringe and fail for not having had sex ever and do not consider that Premise that someone is a joke for it to be true re: anyone but at the same time i know that this whole Awareness that people are shitty about it is frustrating to me lol. plus i think it is getting into the Entire Thing where concepts as broad as Maturity and Humanity At Its Most Complex And Worthwhile are considered intrinsically linked to romance and sex, which is something that i am somewhat self-conscious of being aromantic and [having never had sex and it could well be that i will not ever have sex even if The Opportunity(tm) is there] and i know it is frustrating to me b/c sometimes when i start to even talk about “i have not had sex yes im aware this is like (spit take) what a nerd, Sure” b/c i will easily cry out of frustration like 5 seconds in lol. which i cry easily enough but Usually getting teared up b/c i feel Hyped Up / Enthusiasm for something lmfao.......anyways plenty of tangents to go down here but my point is shoutout to the other person for also never orgasming and just being bored with masturbation if anything

and also to the people who were like “i can have / have had orgasms but i don’t actually enjoy it” like considering the way that [not like i experience anything even close to an orgasm but there is sometimes An Increase in arousal achieved, either a tiny raise in the Level or on occasion a bit of a kick which is mostly like “whoa tf chill out”] is overall Underwhelming even if there is Any enjoyment in it and the whole Back To Square Zero (Not Even Square One) thing re: the entire lack of afterglow they mention and it’s like well that kinda feels like parallel experiences here lmao. which tbh is like. makes me care even less with like Humorous Annoyance at the fact that ppl are out here simply able to have orgasms and to have access to that just by like yep here i go masturbating lmaooo like okay

anyways idk how to Conclude this lmfao. Fun Fact i have hc’s about how winston billions who is autistic experiences sexual stimulation (he gets the Really Enjoys It kind of sensory processing time here lol) but i suppose the easiest simplest one to explain is the “remember the Tayston Crying Sex drawing, the idea is that things can be kinda overwhelming while still being Good if it’s handled right by his partner (or himself ig lol) and he can tear up as sort of an overflow thing” like well you probably already knew that was connected to the broader whole of Winston Billions Autistic Hc’s but in case you didn’t: it is