#they forced me to watch an interview with them and Joey was talking and my mother was like damn he’s really stupid and I was like oke

[seriouslycromulent]

More thoughts on The John Larroquette Show

OK. So I've finally finished rewatching The John Larroquette Show, and I'm back with additional thoughts and commentary about the series. My first post about my rewatch can be found here.

I just want to point out that I couldn't watch every episode because the media player that I downloaded wouldn't play back all the files unfortunately. So over the course of the 4 seasons, I would say I got to see about 85% of it. Unfortunately, the majority of the episodes the media player wouldn't read were in the final season. ☹️ I hope I will get to watch those episodes via another media player in the future, but I didn't want to hold up my commentary waiting for that to happen.

So from what I got to watch, I really liked the show and it made me sad that the series couldn't really find an audience because there was some solid comedy (and drama) in those 70+ episodes.

Enough of the intro, let's dive in to more thoughts ...

I'm so slow. It took me until the 2nd season to realize the cops' names, Hampton and Eggers, are a play on the combo Ham & Eggs. Don't judge me.

Throughout season 2, you can tell the showrunners were really trying everything to get the ratings up with different guest stars and celeb cameos. It's almost to the point of being really obsequious and sweaty. Like it starts somewhat subtly with cross-promotion of other NBC series and celebrities who are mildly connected to the show, like Joey Lawrence from Blossom playing Carly's brother and David Cassidy, who sang the opening theme song for the show. Then, it was like: "Hey! Here for no reason is the '60s singer Deon, actor Joe Pesci, and Boys II Men." (Not all in one episode, mind you). Now, I love me some BIIM, but they basically shot an entire music video in the bus station in the middle of an episode, and it just did not fit the tone of the show at all. The most obvious cameo/guest star was the random appearance of the late and sorely missed Matthew Perry as a character that didn't even get a name. But Friends was already a hit by then (1995), so I'm sure NBC thought his appearance on TJLS would help with the ratings. I don't mind any of these guest stars generally, but it all began to feel a bit forced, as opposed to something organic like most of the guest stars from season 1.

Now guest stars who have worked with Larroquette in the past or were related to him were perfectly fine by me. What can I say? I like it when people I know who are friends or family get to work together. Case in point: It was great to see JL act alongside his lovely wife in an episode of his own show. All I know about Elizabeth is what JL has mentioned occasionally in interviews, which is essentially she has the patience of a saint and that she's English. With so little to go on, it's no surprise that I didn't recognize her right away. But she did a fine job, and I bet it was a real treat for them to work together on something that others (especially their kids) can watch years later.

In s2e17, "Whipping Post," Joey Lawrence guest stars as Carly's brother, Sonny. During a scene where nurse Catherine (played by the highly underrated Alison LaPlaca) is dressing a bad cut on his arm at the hospital, Sonny keeps hitting on Catherine while she's working. In a quick back and forth, he tells her how attractive and funny she is. She responds by saying something to the effect, "Thanks for that. It's nice to hear, but I've been on 5 cancelled sitcoms. Nobody gets me." The comment gets a huge laugh from the audience because it's obviously a 4th wall break. I remember LaPlaca being on a number of sitcoms in the '80s, but I just wanted to fact check to see which 5 cancelled ones she was talking about. According to IMDB, they were: Tom, The Jackie Thomas Show, Stat, Open House, and Duet (which to be fair, lasted 3 seasons). Personally, I love it when shows break the 4th wall, and I appreciate that they let the audience laugh for a long time here because it really was a funny surprise that I think deserved the response it got.

Going back to the general setup of the show, you can tell that the producers or the network is still fiddling with the formula throughout the series. They moved away from the steady references to John Hemingway's recovery in AA, and tried their best to make it more like a "regular" sitcom about the life and work of a particular group of people. This was fine, I guess. But I feel like in doing so, the show lost a little bit of what made it unique. They tried to make Hemingway a normal-ish guy surrounded by a cast of dynamic characters, and he was simply reacting to their shenanigans. But that in some ways stunted the development of John's character, in my opinion.

Speaking of character development, I also felt like the show was probably getting notes from week to week telling the writers to be more appealing to "Middle America." So as a result, the writers did the following: had Hemingway talk less about racism with Dexter; gave Hemingway a steady girlfriend & a more middle class-looking flat; made Carly more "respectable" by giving her the bar at the station to run; had Gene meet someone & get married; and kept the commentary about the cops to mostly punchlines about them specifically (compared to a commentary about police, in general). Most of these changes happen in season 2, but it doesn't stop the show from being funny. However, it does change the humor a bit. I felt like the humor only really starts to falter when they changed the canon bus station hours where we see our cast of characters go from an overnight shift (aka 3rd shift) to a late shift (aka 2nd shift). The change is subtle, but it's there. And it was definitely better when the show had a 3rd shift background. I don't know why, but it just did.

In happier thoughts, I counted guest stars from Night Court coming over and joining Larroquette for an episode on his show at 6. First, there's Bumper Robinson playing a teenage thief/would-be shakedown artist in "Jumping Off the Wagon" (s1e7). Then, we see Marsha Warfield playing Dexter's sister in "Date Night" (s1e22). Next, it was Charles Robinson playing a bookmaker that John mistakes for a bookie (aka someone who places gambling bets). That episode, "John's Lucky Day," (s3e11) was great especially because of the scene in the bar where John has this back and forth with the bartender, who thinks John is this menacing gangster who's going to hurt Charlie's character and he's trying to keep John in his good graces. The bartender is played by popular voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson, someone we rarely get to see onscreen much these days. And of course, we get a guest starring episode featuring Harry Anderson, who played a plastic surgeon trying to convince John to get a lot of unnecessary work done. That episode, "Cosmetic Perjury," (s3e14) also gives a nice little shout-out to Markie Post in a quick back and forth between the two. And last, but not least, we get to see a small reunion between Dan Fielding and Phil Sanders with the guest appearance of William Utay in the episode "Independence Day" (s3e20).

Oh, and I shouldn't forget the small role that John's youngest son, Ben, plays in "An Odd Cup of Tea," (s3e7). It must've been trippy to play your dad's much, much younger brother on your dad's own TV show. Although, they do get to argue with each other and tell each other to shut up like brothers yelling at each other often do, so maybe it was a bit cathartic.

If I had to pick my favorite episodes of all 4 seasons, I would say it would be the following, in no particular order: "Grit" (s1e21), "The Book of Rachel" (s2e8), and "Rachel Redux" (s2e21). I can't say exactly why those episodes are my favorites. But I can say those 3 episodes made me either laugh so hard I had to rewind to hear the dialogue I missed while I was laughing, or delight at the chemistry JL shared with his main costars in those episodes. "Grit" features Hemingway's relationship with Eggers, and I think they played so well off each other that it makes me sad that Elizabeth Berridge doesn't get more work. She's just absolutely hilarious throughout the entire episode. As a matter of fact, I would say that she and Darryl "Chill" Mitchell probably had the most chemistry with Larroquette when it came to comedy on the show. And Mayim Bialik as Hemingway's daughter was just pitch perfect in terms of chemistry. They worked really well together, and I'm glad we got to see her appear on the show 3 times. My favorites were "The Book of Rachel" and "Rachel Redux," but the 3rd episode she's in isn't bad though. Sure, it was a chance to cross-promote with her show on the same network, but these 2 definitely caught lightning in a bottle with their timing and delivery. Who knows? Since Mayim has worked with both John and Melissa Rauch, maybe she'll turn up on the new Night Court. I know I wouldn't mind seeing that.

I have more thoughts on the show, but I'm going to stop here for the sake of everyone's sanity. Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. Feel free to share your thoughts on the show if you like. I hope to share a few more of mine in the future.

[oscarisaacasimov]

Hozier's interviews, radio & podcast & tv, August 2023

Aug 3, 93.1 WYEP, Joey Spehar hosts

https://wyep.org/feature/an-interview-with-hozier/

On the power of music to unite us globally:  “I wish I had a more decisively optimistic outlook on it. If we’re looking to musicians for the answer or the cure, for the real serious challenges we’re facing, to heal them or fix them, we’re really in trouble…That being said, a song can really capture a collective moment, a collective experience, and maybe it can bring people together on an issue, or resonate with large amounts of people, and hopefully then those people could collectively turn to those who do have power and hold them to account.”

Aug 8, RadioEins

“De Selby part 1 more resonates with that character…he’s this lunatic philosopher, has an Alice in Wonderland way of seeing the world. Because light moves at a certain speed, when you look in a mirror you’re technically looking back in time, and then if he had enough mirrors, he could see himself as a child…That nighttime is not an absence of light, but the sky secretes “black air” and the world is wrapped in that…The song is writing from his perspective, when you can sit in complete darkness and complete quiet, you can establish for yourself that you no longer exist and that’s very freeing.”

Aug 8, FluxFM, Wencke Fiedler hosts

"It was important to allow each song to be what it needed to be instrumentally, texturally, each song fulfilled itself."

Aug 10, My Turning Point, Steve Balkin hosts

“Alex Ryan the MD would come in at sound check and say I want to try something - what if in this section you do that. Once upon a time, I would have said, let’s not deviate, but watching the set change is part of our experience of the tour. You become less precious, less dogmatic in the way you want to do things…It’s way more fun if you’re with people smarter than you.”

Q: Which Tom Waits song do you wish you had written?  H: Soldier's Things…it's him listing all these items that belong to an unnamed soldier, "this one's for bravery, that one's for me, everything's a dollar in this box." It's this subtle anti war song, there's a terrible sadness to it, but it doesn't preach. There's a brilliance to that.

Aug 12, RTE Radio One, Brendan O'Connor hosts

H: “The early demos were far too concept, were a little too prog, a little too music theater."  BC: "You nearly did a rock opera! Maybe that's next." 

BC: “How did the pandemic challenge you?"  H: “When you’re on your hamster wheel and you’re running, keeping yourself busy. When you step off, you’re forced to sit in the cage of your life that you’ve built for yourself.”

Aug 16, Behind the Song 

On De Selby

De Selby is part genius part lunatic, he sees the world through a very dreamlike logic, it’s a way to open the album with a reflection on darkness, as something that’s very freeing, all things are lost in that darkness…If I can’t see where my hand ends and the darkness begins, they become literally one and the same…The Irish expands upon that in the direction of a love song, you come to me like nightfall is saying, you & I mixed up together, you and I metamorphasize when you can’t see where one ends and the other begins…We’re lost together in this darkness, we are everything, there’s no beginning or end.

Aug 16, The Current On the Circles of Hell 

“It was hard to find a choice for heresy, because I was writing a lot of stuff that you could class as heretical, which is fun always to do.”

Aug 17, Hugendubek, Booket List

Discussing favorite books (Dante’s Inferno, Fairy Tales by Oscar Wilde, Ovid’s Metamorphoses, Ulysses by James Joyce, 1984 by George Orwell) 

“I wish I read more. I’m not a good reader, I’m not a committed reader, but when I obsess over something, I allow it to ruin my life.”  

“With books, people could stand to gain a wider palette of understanding different human experiences.” 

Aug 17, Diffus magazine 

Reading Dante's Inferno, not a true interview but delightful. 

“That day (after he kissed me), we read no more.” A nice way of saying Netflix and chill for the medieval period.”  

“Dante is by our standards a fundamentalist thinker… Dante the character is sympathizing with people in hell, and yet Dante the poet put them there.”  

“Virgil is so taken with Beatrice and her perfection and her beauty, he says “So perfect is your command, if I already obeyed, it would have been too late,” how moved he is to do anything Beatrice would ask him.

Aug 17, Amazon Music

Q&A 

“An album I know by heart? Bon Iver’s debut For Emma, Forever Ago, I listened to that like an absolute psychopath when it first came out. Also Aretha Franklin's debut, and Moondance by Van Morrison.” 

"If I was a worm would you still love me?" "Of course, yes. As a fisherman, who needs to catch fish."

Aug 18, CBS, Anthony Mason hosts

Q- Did you make peace with it all?  Hozier - "Yes he says as he's welling up! I made an album."

Hozier - "As a teenager I fell in love with Tom Waits work. I was amazed that noise was coming out of his mouth." Q - Interesting because vocally he's nothing like you.  Hozier - "Well, we'll see!"

Aug 18, Good Morning America  brief interview + De selby part 2 performance

“The title Unreal Unearth got its hooks on me early in the process. I started writing some of the songs in the early parts of the pandemic which felt surreal. But then also some of the songs play with myths and fictional characters, so there’s the unreal in that. For unearth, I enjoyed that, to dig and uncover and explore.”

Aug 18, Hozier reads TikTok comments, Linda Meiden hosts 

 "Theres a lot for me to live up to, allow me to disappoint!" 

"I have an amazing mum, but she is married to my dad." 

*I should show them to my exes, I don't know if they'd agree with you."

Aug 18, Chicks in the Office 

“I used to covet alone time, what I found out in the pandemic was the upper limitations of what solitude can give me…. I was energized to work with other people when I got to LA…I haven't jammed like that since I was 15.” 

“A good idea is like putting your ear up to an abandoned well and going, oh something's in there.”

Aug 19, NME  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HlEYnU8n7g   I am a private person but I haven’t had to work hard. People work hard to be famous, I don’t have to do that, I don’t want to do that…I do reveal a lot of myself in the work and in interviews like this, most people don’t sit down and do a chat.

Aug 24, Spotify UK TikTok

"Victoria Canal, Swansong switched me into her work, The Last Dinner party, I'm excited what's ahead for them, Rachel Lavelle, I'm excited for her career, I'm excited we have artists like her." 

Aug 27, Lipps Service, Scott Lipps hosts 

"Take me to Church was the first song I released, and I think we worked extra extra hard to catch up. Something I’m very proud of, somebody does an aggregate of how many miles a touring group has travelled and how many shows it’s done, and based on that, we were the hardest working touring group of 2015. We’d do two radio shows a day and then a gig that night, it was inch by inch. Looking back, I thought everybody did it that way. "   

Q: Top 5 Irish acts ever for you?  A: Christ, no I can’t. In no order, Thin Lizzy, Rory Gallagher, Van Morrison, the Pogues, U2… it has to be top 7…Sinead O'Connor, the Cranberries. For more traditional acts, Paul Brady.

Q: Top 5 greatest voices in music today?  A: I’m always astounded by Yebba, by Brandy. You've got to look at soul and r&b, when you're talking greatest vocalists. Aretha Franklin, I think greatest vocalist ever to have lived. Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday was a huge voice for me, Otis Redding was a huge voice for me. I can’t give a solid five. An old favorite is Nina Simone, for what she carries.

Aug 28, Apple Music, Zane Lowe hosts 

Z: In 2020 most of us were drinking wine, watching family feud, pretending this wasn't gonna last more then two weeks, homie went straight into Dante's Inferno.  H: One line that really spoke to me at the time was "Through me, you enter into the population of loss." Anyone who lives long enough will go through their own hell and out the other side. 

H: There is a spot called Glendalough, and something hums in that valley. Z: Like a lay line almost? H: For those who believe in that, Ireland is very rich in lay lines, there's a thrumming, these sites that have been centers of worship and burial for thousands of years.  Z: Well there you go, thousands of years would suggest - and why would you not want to believe in something way bigger than ourselves? I'll never understand people trying to disprove it. Why would you want to think, this is it. Don't you want to believe in magic?  H: As you get older, you cultivate a relationship with joy and wonder that you never had as a child. 

H: The hard work is nothing, you love what you do, it's fine. The work gets done, you've got no choice, nothing in your body says I can't or I won't. It's the sacrifice, the relationships, the time you never get back…To be in step with yourself, to be fulfilled, to feel whole, to feel connected, to feel in place, the biggest part of that is community.

Aug 31, KXRW, Chris Douridas hosts

"With Ella, the ease with which she would forget a lyric and just riff in that empty space, do an impression of Louis Armstrong…The fresh invigorating runs, this incredibly creative way she uses her voice as an instrument, Ella Fitzgerald as a vocalist, is somebody I don’t think we’ll ever see the likes of again. I love those old jazz standards, how cyclical their lyrics are, setting up a premise of a lyrical motif and then concluding it in a successful way."  

[undiscovered-horror-icon]

Update: my parents think Joey is Pretty but Very stupid

[saipng]

so this is not really a fic or a prompt but something in between… but hey, if anyone wants to do something grand with it, be my guest!

a speculation on what happens to jason and salim after they leave the nightmare; time and reunion, one fate and all that’s meant to be (around 4.5k words, just a little something for all y'all house of ashes fans)

After the events in Iraq, Jason did not hesitate to quit the army.

The hesitation that followed and forced him to postpone his decision walked in wearing bright colored hazmat suits and sporting clipboards. The questioning in the on-site facility took hours that bled into days, and by the time their little group was woken up with blaring horns and the whirring sound of helicopter blades, they were all convinced that they would never leave. Rachel held onto Nick as tight as she could. Eric’s jaw was squared, but he was silent. Jason was the first to board the choppers, the first to step into the military base airport, the first to hop on the plane that would take them “home” (a word that sounded so vile he could hardly believe that that was where they were headed).

Home, of course, was not all that.

It was another facility, and more hazmat suits. It was blood tests and interviews and rooms with no windows. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed until he actually saw another human face, not covered by a layer of protective clothing, not hidden behind a monitor or one-way glass.

She introduced herself as Dr So-and-so and she told him they had great news. She told him they finally identified the source of their “shared hallucination”.

She told him it was gas.

By that point, Jason was mad enough to cry.

He doesn’t really remember lunging at the woman, but he does remember the bruises from being manhandled back into his cell – his “personal quarters”, they called it, but he knew what it was. They all knew.

He was a goddamn prisoner and his guards were trying to convince him that all he knew was a lie.

What followed was even more bizarre than the whole ordeal in the temple. Photographs, blood results, data, charts, and graphs that all pointed to there being nothing but a dusty old tomb down in the ground. Group therapy with his old comrades and a vomit of scientific mumbo-jumbo that explained the composition and effects of the gas.

They showed them photographs of the recovered bodies of Clarice, Joey, Merwin.

They weren’t eaten. Weren’t turned.

Joey died from Iraqi bullets, Merwin bled out.

Clarice looked like she starved to death.

The day after their third group session they were allowed to roam the facility “freely”. This meant visit each other, walk up and down their shared hall. Socialize in privacy.

Jason kept staring at the cameras in his room and said nothing.

It was gas, they told him. Gas that made them all hallucinate. Gas that made them believe they were all in grave danger. Gas that had them conjure up vampire parasites from outer space.

Gas.

It was six months later that Jason finally saw the light of day again, being allowed to walk and return to normal life once their readings proved them “stable”.

He didn’t want to know what that entailed. How broken they all were by the end of it.

The night before release, Nick visited. He kept asking about the future, what they were going to do, what options they had left. They would always be watched, they knew that much. The amount of paperwork to sign was massive - not so much a non-disclosure agreement as a deal with the devil itself.

The information about the gas, they said, couldn’t be made known. The public, they said - the public would panic if they knew something so potent existed.

One step out of line, and they would all be back in therapy.

Therapy.

“Hey.” Nick’s soft voice rang out to his right. Jason didn’t bother turning back to face him. Just kept staring at the wall.

“What are you thinking? Talk to me.”

The tiny crack that formed from an impact with an angry fist kept growing in size each day. It became his secret friend, that tiny black lightning among the white concrete. Jason would imagine it swallowing him whole, the whole building crashing down right with it.

He sighed, waving a goodbye to his dear old friend.

“I miss him, Nicky. I miss him so goddamn much.”

They stood there in silence. Nick didn’t have to ask. He knew.

And then they were released.

And then Jason quit the army. No hesitation whatsoever.

In the end, it still came as a surprise.

He was offered the rank of Lieutenant Colonel, a considerable step up from his last position. They offered to station him back at home base. They offered him a team.

Jason said “no, thank you” and walked out the door after failing the psychological examination. Potent signs of PTSD, depressive disorder, generalized anxiety.

Unfit for duty, they called him.

And Nicky felt betrayed.

It came as a surprise to Jason, then, that hedecided to stay behind and serve in active duty. He had a strong feeling it had more to do with Rachel’s decision to remain in the army than anything else in particular, but it was still something Nick was passionate about.

Protect and serve and all that-

That is, until fourteen months later he came back home with an injury severe enough it left him paralyzed below the waist.

They called him a good soldier. They said he deserved to retire early.

Rachel quit the following month, and it was the toughest decision of her life.

And Nicky spent the next year of his life near catatonic.

Jason referred him to his therapist.

His first one, not his second. He already quit the second one himself and was looking for a third.

If there was literally anything remotely useful that he had gathered from the sessions, it was that writing was a good way to sort through the bullshit that kept bubbling up his brain like sewage water.

He was never a man of many words.

It was a struggle to bring the pen to paper.

Once he began, though…

Once he began, he found that he couldn’t stop.

He wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote until he filled out nearly forty odd pages with memories from Iraq.

From the checkpoint.

From the temple.

From the worst nightmare of his life.

He poured down on paper everything the shrinks in CENTCOM tried to suppress, to erase, to destroy and burn to cinders. He wrote down every gory detail, every pained breath, every shared smile, every revered touch.

He wrote it all-

And then he stashed the papers in the bottom drawer of his nightstand and never touched them, ever again.

Nine months later he arrived at Nick’s door and asked him if he could write his story - that last battle that made him unable to serve. Unable to walk.

Rachel nudged his side, and reluctantly, Nick agreed.

In another couple months, it would become the first story Jason published in a major journal. It would also be the story that would eventually get Nick country-wide recognition - and a medal of honor bestowed by the President himself.

After that, he did begin to feel better, albeit it wasn’t the story or the piece of metal that cut the deal.

It was the letters he began receiving from thankful citizens all across the fifty states.

And Jason would go on writing.

“Who knew you had a secret talent all this time, huh?” Eric teased him one day. He was the last of them to quit the army, but eventually, even the resident genius crippled under the pressure. He didn’t specify his reasons - Jason was beginning to think maybe he was forced to bail.

He still remained one of the most important civilian advisors for CENTCOM, which begged the question of whether him no longer being in the army was just a technicality.

And despite everything, Eric became a frequent guest at Nick’s and Rachel’s new home. These kinds of things, well - they either drove people apart or brought them closer together. And in their case, not many others could relate to the experience of inhaling metric tons of hallucinogenic gas that resulted in the imagining of the worst hell on earth.

After couple of years of moping, he even found himself a new girlfriend. She became part of the group just as well. Her and Rachel have girls’ night every second Friday.

Jason is sometimes allowed to join in.

And that is because Jason has been discovering things about himself along the way, too.

His first therapist suggested his complete disinterest in women was an understandable side effect of PTSD and that he shouldn’t push himself too hard to get out there again. His second therapist claimed it was downright unnatural and that he should get over himself and try harder to recover. He really didn’t like his second therapist.

His third therapist implied that perhaps his attractions simply didn’t lie with women at all.

It was that same week that Jason found himself hooking up with a bearded bartender in a bustling bar in the city’s downtown.

In all honesty, the realization that he was gay was terrible.

And then he met a handsome writer on his trip to Canada – and then it was no longer terrible.

And then the handsome writer cheated on him eight months later with a drunken college student looking to experiment on his Spring Break, and then it was terrible again - though for entirely different reasons this time.

All in all, Jason has accepted his sexuality with the same grace and dignity that he accepted the rest of the clusterfuck that was the ultimate conflation of his life. That is to say, he got drunk, picked up smoking, wrote, and then threw the pages that he wrote down into the toilet and flushed them.

It clogged up. He had to call a plumber.

An older Egyptian man that cursed at him in Arabic. Something about entitled rich Americans. Jason laughed, and told him to fuck off.

The decision to learn the language wasn’t even his, really. Not at first, at least. He doesn’t remember how it began, but he picked up a few words from Rachel back when they were still in action, and then he picked up some more when they were having dinner back in the States. And then she turned it into a game, a la Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Soon enough, Jason was seeking tutors and taking classes.

His first therapist disapproved. He said it was a bad idea, might put him into a regressive state, trigger his PTSD.

His second therapist - oh, screw her. She was adamantly racist, and all in all made him fall back into his nasty habits worse than he would have on his own.

His third therapist told him it could be healing. His fourth therapist concluded that if he found it something worth pursuing, there could be no harm.

Jason was no linguist, but he tried his damnest. It was the least he could do to keep his mind awake, prevent himself from beginning to lose it yet again.

He used his skills to talk to the Iraqi refugees in the US. He told their stories.

He was a damn good writer.

The first award he ever won was for a story of two soldiers that killed a girl carrying a bag of groceries. Their names, he claimed, were lost to history.

And that night, he and Nick had their first ever serious fight. It wasn’t about the story. It wasn’t about the checkpoint. In fact, Jason couldn’t be sure what it really was about.

All he could remember was Salim’s name, and the taste of copper on his tongue.

He broke up with his then-boyfriend that same evening, when he was no longer so drunk out of his mind that he could hardly string two words together. After a bought of the longest silence in the world, the man only sighed. Said he knew it was coming. Said there was no healing a heart that belonged to someone else.

They hung up, and Jason cried for the first time in six years.

Nick couldn’t remember what the fight was about, either. The next day Rachel and Eric adamantly refused to tell them the details - said if their drunken minds decided to block it out, it was for the best.

Jason apologized nonetheless, and Nicky did the same.

“Do you still miss him?” Nick whispered then, in the quiet of the living room, nothing but the fireplace cracking away in the dark. The clock struck midnight, and the neighborhood dog barked thrice.

“Nah, not as much. Not as much as I used to.”

Nick stared into the flames, a smirk painted on his lips.

“There’s that tell again.”

And so life went on. And on, and on, and on.

It would be two more years until Jason finally got the guts to publish his first novel - eight years since he escaped the fateful nightmare.

The reason was simple enough, really - the end of the Iraq War.

It wasn’t a decision he could very well discuss with others, not with the things written, with the words he put on paper. They didn’t exactly discuss the events of the temple as a group.

Not as though it was a forbidden topic, per se, but the men in suits stopping by at the end of every week in the first few months of their release made conversation difficult. Controlling the flow of information, they called it, asking them the same questions and recording the same answers.

Jason got a couple more visits than was strictly necessary after he became a published author. No doubt the big bad guys at Area 51 were terrified of their secrets leaking out.

He was a good boy, though. Kept his mouth shut. They all did.

And then the visits stopped and they still kept being good. They didn’t talk about it - because when the subject was inevitably brought up, Nick got angry; Rachel stormed out of the room, and Eric grew completely silent; Jason wanted to do nothing but scream and he was well aware that if he were to start, he wouldn’t stop.

So no, they didn’t talk about it. They continued not to talk about it when the book was published.

House of Ashes, Jason called it. He did his Sumerian research.

It was a New York Times Number One Bestseller in the first week of publishing. Every book these days was a New York Times Number One Bestseller. It wasn’t something Jason could be proud of.

He silently kept expecting the men in black to come tearing down his door any minute now.

No one ever did.

The others did not discuss the book with him. He didn’t even know if they read it and he didn’t care (at the very least, Rachel read it; there was a copy on the passenger side of her gray Sedan that she quickly tossed in the back when she was giving Jason a ride back home last week).

It probably did help that it took room under the Science Fiction genre.

Jason’s heart still twitched whenever he passed by a book store. He supposed that most of it, technically, was fiction - just not the parts that mattered.

He had a book tour celebrating the successful launch scheduled for the spring. Fourteen states, twenty seven dates. He was at his limit. His editor was over the moon, and his fifth therapist prescribed a larger doze of Prozac.

It was in another one of the big name bookshops that his mind abandoned his body yet again and began traversing the catacombs of his memory.

He was answering another question about the idea for the alien origins of the vampires in his book.

In reality, he was walking the dusty grounds of a temple buried deep underneath Iraqi soil. The rifle in his hands felt solid; his footsteps echoed across the empty halls.

Someone asked him about the meaning of the archeological crew. Why they all met gruesome, grizzly deaths.

Nicky was setting up a tripwire and Eric was manning the cams. From somewhere deep inside the tent, he could hear Rachel’s calculated muttering.

A question about the main character - a man named Haydar, peaceful shepherd that was swallowed by the earth and forced to deal with nightmares beyond his comprehension. His only goal was to survive.

To see his son again.

They were asking why. Who was the inspiration.

Jason turns around in his mind’s eye, and there he can see him. Wielding that same rusty piece of metal, stained black with blood of the creatures of the night. He smiles at him. Begins to walk closer. He extends his hand, and just like that…

“Thank you. It will be quick, I promise.”

“Right, right. But this is the last one, people! After that, we will proceed with the signings.” His editor announces, clapping way too loud next to Jason’s ear. “So, what’s the question?”

“It is about the ending of the book.” A voice states, and something in Jason forces him to reawaken. It stirs right beneath his throat, makes him sit up taller, but his eyes remain unfocused, far away. “As we know, Haydar is the only one of the group to survive, having witnessed the horrible deaths of his team. He makes it all the way to the surface, only to find out that the monsters, the horrors, and the tragedies were all in his head. Including the people he called friends.”

Jason stares at the table, not willing to look up. Unable to look up.

His hands are cold. Frozen solid.

“Yes, yes, what is the question, please?!” The editor’s voice is shrill. Impatient.

It’s brilliant, that voice is telling them, the ending is brilliant! Subversive! They’ll never see it coming.

“My question is this - what was the pointof the struggle, if in the end, none of it was real?”

His hands are shaking and he can’t look up and when he exhales, Jason is certain he can see a white puff of frozen air depart his lungs.

Perhaps it is the decade old dust, settled in from the temple, finally finding its way to the surface. Perhaps it is all the cigarette smoke he let gather over the years.

Perhaps it is his soul, travelling towards a voice it knew too well.

“The point,” He begins slow, uncertain. His throat doesn’t want to work, and his system is on high alert. He is back in Iraq, and bullets are flying over his head. Joey is bleeding out on the ground. He just gave the order to shoot a woman dead. “The point is that, even though everything was a myth, a legend, a hallucination - his pain was real. The emotions were real. The fact that it was all in Haydar’s head doesn’t make it any different.”

“Well, I don’t know,” The voice interjects before the editor can open his mouth to conclude the session, and Jason finally finds it in him to lift up his eyes.

“Wouldn’t you think that such a revelation would break an ordinary man?”

Salim is wearing a white shirt and dark blue dress pants. His jacket is in his hands that he keeps clasped in front of him. His hair is beginning to gray at the temples, but his eyes are bright and young. He’s smiling.

He’s sporting a new beard. It suits him.

“Then it’s a good thing Haydar’s no ordinary man.”

After the Q&A session is over, Jason feels like he can’t breathe. They take five to recuperate, and he throws up into a trash can behind some book stands. His editor hands him a glass of the coldest water this side of the globe, and only rolls his eyes when Jason tells him to bring by the man that asked the final question.

He does as he is told when Jason threatens to fire him on the spot.

And even then, he half expects to be met with someone entirely different - at this point in his life, he’s thoroughly convinced that hallucinating a man he’s met once eight years ago would be among the top ten things he’s most likely to do.

But when Salim steps into the back room, Jason doesn’t waste a single second before throwing his arms around his neck.

“You- But- Why- How?!” is all he can manage, gripping the other man by his shoulders as though letting go would result in him evaporating from this earth.

Salim just laughs - hearty, real. His smile is brilliant and theres just that much exhaustion in it. There is more gray in his temples than Jason noticed previous. He smells like peppermint and spiced cologne.

“I decided it was finally the time for me to tour America.” He smirks, his words floating up and overhead, light, easy. “After all, your great country has much sightseeing to offer.”

Jason can see the plane on him, in the wrinkles of his shirt, in the creases underneath his eyes. This must have been his first stop directly from the airport.

“But here- how are you here?”

“Why, is it so wrong of me to visit a good friend? I wanted to congratulate you on your success!”

The lights reflect against the hardcover copy in his hands. Jason grits his teeth and feels as though he would rather drop down into yet another hellish temple. He doesn’t like the idea of Salim reading it.

He doesn’t like the idea of Salim understandingit - even if that was the only reason he published in the first place.

“I wouldn’t have ever imagined you’d become such an accomplished writer, Jason.”

“Yes, well- It, uh, started out as a coping mechanism.”

“And you’ve done well for yourself. All those people out there, all that press… Honestly, I’m just happy I managed to catch the last date, before the tour was over.”

“The last… Right. Today is the last… Hey, listen…”

Eight years, he thinks, eight years you’ve had to think of what to say when you finally laid eyes on this man again.

But words refused to form, and Jason kept holding out on half a sentence up until his editor announced that he needed to get back in there for signing.

Salim just nodded at him.

“Well, you should get going. I don’t mean to keep your fans waiting.”

And something broke in him, then. Something sad. Something long-forgotten.

Jason clutched at his arm, eyes panicked, heartbeat in his throat.

Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave, his thought were screaming, and Salim knotted his brows. He didn’t step away, didn’t bulk at the sight of a shattered man - stepped closer, instead.

“Jason?” He raised a hand to his shoulder, steadying him.

Solid as a rock. Real. A crowbar flying inches from his head, impaling a horrid monster right behind him.

“Are you alright?”

“Tonight, we will be gathering, at Nick’s and Rachel’s.” He swallows down, breathing. “It’s a small thing, just the closest people, but it’ll be nice. You should come.”

Salim blinks at him wildly, shrinking in on himself. His sudden smile is small, but Jason doesn’t think it’s insincere. He can tell it isn’t.

They never left that damned cave.

“Oh! Well, I don’t know- They aren’t expecting me, I don’t want to intrude-“

“Nah, nah, stop that. The guys will be stocked to see you again. And anyway, we have this thing, everyone’s allowed to bring a plus one. Like a date or- or a friend.” He’s sputtering now, saying nonsense. His hands are shaking and the sweat from his palms is staining Salim’s shirt. “You can come as my plus one. You won’t be intruding. For sure.”

It takes a moment, but he finally gives in. Salim nods, and his smile grows in size.

“Well, alright then, Jason. I will come as your plus one.”

Jason smiles back and for once, it doesn’t hurt. There’s something miraculous about Salim’s presence here - suddenly, he’s eight years younger, and suddenly, the world is much bigger and scarier than ever before.

But he’s not afraid, and neither is the man beside him.

Jason laughs, before heading towards the door.

“Oh and, one more thing.” Salim stops him in his tracks, and before Jason has the chance to doubt him, he’s holding out the copy of the book. “Could you sign? I know I should’ve queued, but since we’re already here, I thought…”

Jason looks at him as though he’s grown another head. Salim shuffles in place, equal parts amused, ashamed.

“It’s- It’s not for me, it’s for my son. Zain. He’s sleeping in the hotel right now. I was hoping to surprise him.”

The book is worn at the edges, the pages scribbled over with a furious kind of regard. It was as though someone studied the text religiously, reveled in every word as though it was a stated fact.

Jason can’t help the tremble in his hand as he tries to make out a message.

“He a fan?”

“That’s an understatement of the year! The boy won’t shut up about you. At this point I don’t know which one of us talks about you more often, him or me.”

The book snaps shut with a particular kind of fervor.

“You talk about me?” He is unable to stop his mouth from uttering the words above the book held in suspense in between them - and he regrets them more the moment Salim’s eyes land on his. A certain expression settles in his features that makes Jason wish he would never utter a single word ever again.

And then the moment is broken, just like that, when his editor screams into the open door.

“Kolchek!”

“I’m coming!” He screams back, voice cracking, and the book with the scribbled message is now in Salim’s hands.

To my biggest fan, Zain. Keep making your father proud. You’re something worth fighting for. Best wishes,

JK

Jason throws one last look at Salim before exiting the back room, and finds something that gives him strength. It is then, he thinks, for the first time in eight years that he finally finds the strength to look forward again.

He thinks, for the briefest of moments, that everything just might turn out to be okay.

“I do. All the time.” Salim tells him, ducking his head away.

His smile is quiet.

And Jason’s own is threatening to split his face in half.

[babymetaldoll]

Danger Days - Chapter seventeen: “Falling into pieces”

Word count: 7,8K

Summary: Joey talks with Matthew for the first time ever since breaking up. Gerard opens up with Mikey about his true feelings for Joey.

Warnings: Cursing, angst, mention of sexual assault.

A/N: Do you think Matthew is gonna be excited to be a dad?

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | Chapter sixteen | Chapter seventeen | Chapter eighteen | Chapter nineteen | Chapter twenty | Chapter twenty one | Chapter twenty-two | Chapter twenty-three | Chapter twenty-four |

--

Matthew kept asking his mom what time it was. He had been doing the same ever since he woke up around ten in the morning. He was anxious. His whole body hurt; he was suffering from several wounds, but still, what hurt him the most was not being able to talk to his girl.

- "Hey"- Paget whispered as she walked into the room with two cups of coffee- "Hello Marilyn, I brought you this."

- "Thank you, honey"- the two women hugged for a second, then the actress walked to her friend.

- "How do you feel?"

- "Like I was in a car crash, literally"- he answered and smiled- "I'm ok. My knee is still in place, which is amazing. I thought I was going to return to the crutches for another six months."

- "You are very lucky, your car is smashed... I can't believe you don't have a scratch."

- "I have many, many bruises, doesn't that count?"- Matthew whispered, still in pain.

- "I think it does"- his friend joked- "I got you these"- Paget opened a bag and put on the bed all the stuffed animals the young man had made- "I took all the stuff from your car, I had the feeling you might need these."

- "Thank you"- he softly smiled and looked at the handmade toys.

- "Everybody says hi"- Paget tried to take Matthew away from any sad thoughts he had- "Do you know when you will be discharged?"

- "No, the doctor said a couple more days."

- "Again, a car crash."

- "Yeah..."- Matthew smiled at his friend, and she smiled back- "Thank you for being here."

- "That's what friends do... hey, can I get you something to eat?"

- "I'm ok."

- "I'm not coming until tomorrow, so I'm gonna go get you some candy for later"- Paget turned around and left the room for a few minutes.

- "What time is it, mom?"

- "It's noon, baby"- she answered and walked to him, kissing his forehead- "Try to sleep a little more, I'll wake you up when she calls, ok?"- he nodded and closed his eyes. He really couldn't wait anymore.

Gerard looked at Joey warming up at the other side of the room, her eyes closed, her headphones on. He sighed, thinking she wasn't in love with him. She had never been. Not like he was, at least. She wasn't going to be his. Not without a fight. Could he win a battle against Matthew? He was a cheater, but Gerard was married. That made him a cheater too.

- "Hey!"- Mikey's hand smacking his arm took him from his thoughts- "Why are you staring at her?"

- "I was just... thinking about... nothing, I guess."

- "I'm starting to think maybe Frank is right"- and Gerard turned to his younger brother pretending to be insulted.

- "Don't be stupid."

- "Then stop drooling. You are not fooling anyone!"

- "Come on, kids! It's showtime!"- Jeffrey walked in clapping his hands- "Joey! You too!"- he yelled, and the girl took out her headphones.

- "What?"

- "Show, now! Come on!"

- "Sorry"- the girl smiled and sprinted over the band. Frank's arms locked around her as he stood in the hallway next to the stage and kissed her shoulder upon her Megadeth t-shirt.

- "Take care"- and the drummer rolled her eyes.

- "I'm gonna be sitting moving my arms. I don't see the danger."

- "I'm just saying"- she smiled, and she leaned to kiss his cheek.

- "You make it so hard to hate you, Jersey."

- "That's what my wife always says."

- "I love your wife so fucking much."

- "I love her too"- he chuckled- "Have you ever noticed our conversations always end up being weird?"- and she smiled.

- "That's 'cos you are so fucking weird, Frank"

Joey couldn't help but laugh in deep joy for a second. She loved her job and her bandmates. She was finally where she always wanted to get as a drummer. Her personal life was a mess, though. Was that the price to pay to be successful? Getting a shitty love life and a whole mess in your head?

- "I finally get what happened with Andy, in Devil Wears Prada... I hated that fucking movie, but shit, I feel just like her now."

The kids at that show were on fire, which helped the weary band perform better. It was getting harder and harder to keep on playing after all those months of touring. They all needed to get a few days off to sleep and do nothing. Traveling was exhausting. Joey had never thought about that until this leg of the tour.

- "Danke Germany!"- Gerard yelled, and the crowd yelled right away. Mikey turned his back to the kids and looked at Joey smiling. She looked happy when they were on stage. That's why he always kept an eye on her when they were performing.

- "Give me all your fucking money!"- Gerard shouted, announcing the next song- Well, are you ready, Ray?

- "Yeah!"

- "How about you, Frank?"- and Iero made the weirdest noises on the mic

- "How about you, Joey?"- and the girl widened her eyes smiling as Gerard stood in front of the drum, reaching out the mic to her.

- "Yeah!"- and Gerard grinned.

- "How about you, Mikey?"

- "Fucking ready!"

- "I think I'm alright! One, two, three, four!!"

It felt for a minute like she wasn't the supporting drummer but one of the band. And it felt incredible.

The hospital was busy. Nurses and doctors walked outside in the hallways. Matthew was trying to concentrate on anything, but he couldn't take his eyes off his phone. They had brought him lunch already, but he wasn't hungry- and Paget had left him an obscene amount of candy- so he left the tray untouched. He only had the jelly. And only because his mother forced him.

He was weary though, he felt hurt, physically beaten. He was taking it like a champ 'cos he didn't want to scare his mom, but in reality, he was shocked. He had never realized how short life could be. He had never had any kind of experience like this before, and this one showed him one thing: the important things in life are the simplest. The ones you take for granted.

- "What do I love the most in life? My family, watching my nephews grow up, my mom... Yami, my Yami's smile, her voice... everything about her"- Matthew's eyes were stuck in his cellphone's screen as he thought about everything that had happened in the last days- "If there is one thing I need every day for the rest of my life is having her next to me. I'm not gonna let her go, no matter what".

If he could travel in time and slap himself, he would. He would also kick himself in the nuts and never go to that party at all. But he couldn't. And he had to live with it. Somehow.

Joey yelled goodnight to her friends and ran out of the van to her room before anyone could say anything to her. On the ride back to the hotel, they had all been briefed about the next day. They were leaving at seven in the morning. They had to meet in the lobby. They had press and a radio interview in Copenhagen at one. And Joey had the chance to stay at the hotel and rest. Everybody told her to do so. And she didn't argue with that, she wanted to rest, and most of all, she didn't want to be at any interview or close to Gerard.

- "Goodnight, kids!"- she yelled and waved as she ran to the elevator. Gerard looked at her with a sorry glance, and his brother caught it right away.

- "Are you ok?"- Mikey asked and raised an eyebrow.

- "What? Yeah, I'm just tired"- the Way brothers looked at each other, both of them knowing the oldest was lying.

- "Sure... just don't let your exhaustion get in the way"- Mikey stated and walked away.

- "Wait, what the fuck?"- Gerard asked, making the, most likely, wrong decision to follow his younger brother.

- "Come on, Gerard! Stop denying it! You have a crush on her"- and Gerard groaned, exhausted from the same conversation. Mainly because he was running out of excuses to prove people wrong.

- "So do you! So does everybody! 'Cos you are all telling me the same shit over and over again when I don't!"- the brothers got into the elevator on their own and continued arguing.

- "I fucking know you! And I can't believe I didn't see it before! You are fucking drooling all the time! You look like a fucking teenager!"

- "Oh! shut up!"- Gerard frowned and crossed his arms on his chest- "I don't have a crush on her. I am a happily married man! Just because you have been obsessed with her ever since you met her doesn't mean so am I!" They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes until the door opened on their floor, and both stepped out of the elevator.

- "Have you tried to get anything with her?"- Mikey asked and followed his brother to his room.

- "I don't wanna talk about this"- Gerard simply answered.

- "Which means yes."

- "No, I haven't 'cos I don't like her! I have no feelings for her!"- stains of red  hair dye were on Gerard's neck as he scratched it, tired of the conversation, and at the same time tired of denying the truth. One part of him wanted to tell his brother, to have someone to finally open up.

- "I don't want you to hurt her, Gerard."

- "Thank you for being concerned about her the most, instead of your brother"- Gerard snorted and opened his door, followed by his brother. He took out his shoes and laid on his bed like a dead man.

- "I care about her, and if you have feelings for her, you are fucked up!"

And suddenly, it was just too much for Gerard.

- "I know"- the singer whispered, and his brother's chest tightened at those words- "Do you think I want this? It's fucking agony! She stays as far away from me as possible, and she rejected me when I told her how I feel"- Gerard chuckled at his words- "Can you believe that? It's high school all over again! She keeps pushing me away each time I try to get closer to her, ever since the beginning."

Mikey widened his eyes, listening to his brother's confession, as he stood in front of him in shock.

- "You told her you like her?"

- "Yeah"- Gerard whispered and sighed, defeated. It was useless to deny the truth anymore- "I told her I loved her from day one."

- "Did you try to... kiss her?"

- "I succeeded, actually. After months of longing and thinking about it, I kissed her...."

- "What did she do?"- Mikey was whispering, not believing a word. Had Joey kissed his brother?

- "She stopped, told me to get away from her... and when I tried again, and she kissed me back. I thought, "Shit Gerard, you nailed it, she likes you too!" but then she called me Matthew"- Gerard's voice shook, and his brother looked at him, nearly shocked. Was he going to cry? Was he that affected by the drummer?

- "When did you..."

- "After the show in Valencia."

- "You sick bastard! She was drunk!!"- the youngest Way nearly yelled and kept walking across the room, brushing his hands against his face and making a serious effort not to hit his brother- "What the fuck Gerard?! She was intoxicated, and you tried to kiss her?"

- "I didn't try. I told you I succeeded! It was so good, it felt so fucking right"- the singer made a pause and wiped off the few tears that fell from his eyes.

- "I can't believe it! You abused her when she was drunk!" - but Gerard ignored the accusation and continued talking.

- "She wasn't drunk the first time, by the way"- and Mikey frowned.

- "You kissed her more than once!"

- "Yeah, that day you left me alone with her... it was so sweet, so tender..."

- "She was fucking depressed, crying, and affected by her boyfriend!! Gerard! What the fuck is your problem!! It's the sickest shit I've ever heard you do!"

- "Don't you think I feel like the shit too? I know I fucked it up! I just couldn't help it! I love her! I can't stand the fact she is suffering for an asshole who cheated on her! I need to fix her! I needed to..."- but Mikey didn't let him finish.

- "You are married. You don't have the moral to judge Gubler for cheating!"

- "I know"

- "And you love her? You are married! Don't you love Lynz anymore?"

- "I love her so much, Mikey! That's what's killing me too! 'Cos I love both of them! I wanna be with both! I need to have them both!"

- "Dude... that shit is sick!"- Mikey was shaken.

- "I know! That's the worst part. I know what I feel is wrong! I can't love Joey. I can't mess things with her 'cos she works with us and is fantastic as our drummer. But at the same time, it's like she is a magnet I can't keep away from! Like she is my earth, and I'm her moon, orbiting around her!"

Gerard sat down and started crying.

- "I don't know what's wrong with me! From day fucking one! I looked at her, and I knew she was going to be the end of me! And I've been dealing with this all along..."

Mikey had no idea what to do. He was in shock. Sure, he knew Gerard was weird around Joey, but he never thought it would be this bad. He always thought he didn't like her. And it turned out to be the complete opposite.

- "Until this morning, I was sure she was going to leave, not only for her stupid boyfriend but because of what happened..."

- "That's why she had been giving you the cold shoulder"- Mikey whispered, thinking out loud.

- "And I deserve it, I guess. I kissed her and told her I loved her... what the fuck is my problem?"

- "I don't know, but you really fucked it up"- Mikey nodded in silence at his statement and finally sat next to Gerard. His older brother brushed his hands against his face and wiped off the tears.

- "I feel I love her, you know? Like... a fucking piece of my heart I never knew was missing just appeared, and I need to keep her close, no matter what, 'cos if I don't, I'm gonna die."

- "Well, you are gonna have to learn to let that part go, 'cos there is no way, and I mean it, no way she is ever going to be with you."

Mikey was brutally honest, in part 'cos he was mad at Gerard, but mostly because he knew it was the truth. Joey wasn't in love with him. And even if she was, she would never let him leave his wife for her.

- "I know... and yet, I can't stop trying"- Gerard made a pause- "I hated you so bad for being so close to her... you are all so fucking close to her."

- "I always thought it was weird you were so distant."

- "I didn't know how to act around her. She smiles, and I have no fucking clue what to say."

- "You are fucked."

- "Yeah"- the two of them made a long pause.

- "You are gonna have to get rid of your feelings, Gerard."

- "I know... any clue how?"

- "No..."

- "And knowing right now she is talking to him, that shit kills me"- Mikey sighed. That was killing him too. But he didn't say a word.

The computer was on the bed. Joey sat in front of it, FaceTime was open, but she still couldn't find the guts to press "call." She just stared at the screen and sighed. She wanted to know about him, she was worried about his health after the accident. But she didn't know how to deal with it. With the whole "you broke my heart" part of the conversation.

- "Ok, let's do this. And you are not talking about any feeling, just about his health. It's gonna be a short call."

And not thinking about it again, she started the video call.

- "Hello baby!"- Marilyn's face filled the screen, and Joey's body shook with fear, anxiety, and excitement.

- "Hi! How are you?"

- "Great! How was the show?"

- "It was amazing! The kids were nuts today!"- and Joey yawned- "But I am dead, sorry. I just showered and put on my pajamas."

- "That's ok..."- there was a silence, Joey knew what was gonna happen, and she decided to treat it like a band-aid

- "And how's Matthew?"- she just ripped it off, pretending it didn't hurt

- "He is right here. He has been waiting for your call all day."

- "Mom!"- he whined, embarrassed. Joey had to bite her lips not to smile as she heard his voice somewhere near the phone. She felt her body shaking at that sound.

- "I'm gonna let you two kids talk. I'll be outside, bye honey!"

- "Bye Marilyn!"

Joey waved at the screen and noticed all the movements when the phone left the woman's hand. Two seconds later, Matthew's face filled the screen, and her heart stopped. He was bruised. He looked severely hurt. And yet, he had a massive smile on her lips as soon as he saw her.

His heart started beating so fast on his chest as soon as he laid eyes on her, he was sure one of the machines around him was going to start beeping. Neither of them said a word for a moment. They just stared.

- "FaceTiming him was a mistake. A normal call would have been so much better,"- Joey thought and took a deep breath before saying- "Hey, how do you feel?"

- "Good... I'm good. It looks worse than it is, maybe 'cos I get bruised a lot... 'cos I'm so white and... I'm a peach"- Matthew started rambling.

- "What happened?"- Joey stopped his rambling 'cos she knew he could go for hours.

- "A truck missed a red light and hit my car, but I'm ok, really... not even a broken bone."

- "What about your knee?"

- "It's still in place."

- "Now that's a miracle!"- Joey chuckled and regretted it right away, she was melting, and hearing Matthew's laughter like a cascade of joy didn't help either. Her heart kept racing, and her palms were sweating.

- "Yeah! I thought I was gonna have to spend another year in those crutches."

- "It's a good thing they are still in your closet."

- "A part of me knew I was stupid enough to injure myself again"- the actor smiled and shrugged. However, that movement hurt, and he involuntarily winced in pain.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, I just... forgot that hurts"- Joey nodded and looked at him. She wanted to end that call before she would burst into tears, which was about to happen any second now.

He was the father of her child. They were having a baby together, and he had no idea. All the thoughts spinning around her head were too much. It scared her to think about how everything was going to be when it came to the moment to talk about it, and she was sure that the moment wasn't that one.

- "Well, you should rest. I just wanted to know if you were ok, and..."- the girl started saying, but Matthew stopped her.

- "Wait, no... don't hang up yet"- his voice was a plea, and desperation came from each word he spoke, even his eyes looked at her with sadness and longing- "Please talk to me."

- "We are talking. You are clearly in pain. Maybe you should rest."

- "Please, don't go. I needed to talk to you for so long."

- "No, Matthew."

- "I need you to listen. I need you to forgive me."

- "No, Matthew, I'm tired; I don't wanna do this, not now, not ever. I just called to know if you were ok. I can see you are not half as bad as I imagined, which makes me happy. But I don't wanna talk about us."

- "Fine, that's ok, we don't have to talk about us, let's talk about anything else."

- "Matthew"- Joey knew just talking to him about the weather was a threat. Why? 'Cos he was charming, and she loved him. She didn't want to forgive him, and seeing his face wasn't helping in keeping that resolution.

- "Please, tell me, how was your day?"- she sighed and looked away, locking her eyes in her nails- "How was the show?"

- "It was good"

- "When do you leave for Denmark?"

- "Tomorrow at seven."

- "It should be a long drive from Hamburg"- Matthew was honestly desperate to make conversation, and the subject made it obvious.

- "Jeffrey said four hours, time I plan to spend sleeping."

- "Are you doing any more press with the band?"- at that minute, anything that came through Gubler's head that could help him keep her in line was a good subject.

- "I hope not, at least not tomorrow"- Joey kept staring at her nails, avoiding his eyes. Matthew couldn't stop staring at her, sitting on her bed, in pajama, obviously exhausted but still talking to him. That was a good sign, right?

- "You looked gorgeous at the Valencia show"- he sort of whispered and saw her cheeks turning red of embarrassment- "I told you that was a great outfit."

- "Yeah... I remember"- she sighed and looked at him, raising an eyebrow- "So, did you actually watch it? I thought you would be working at the time."

- "I stopped everything and forced them to watch you play"- Joey chuckled at those words, and Matthew felt he was a tiny baby step closer to win her back- "I wasn't going to miss it. It was my chance to see you live, and you kicked ass." The girl felt the blush in her cheeks as she looked at her fingers again, playing with them on the blanket of the bed.

- "Thanks..."- Matthew stayed quiet for a moment, just looking at her.

- "You look so beautiful tonight"- but she raised her eyes and frowned

- "Don't"

- "Sorry"- he whispered and sighed- "So... Paget came to see me today"- that was the only thing that came to his mind

- "How is she?"

- "Good, she bought me so many candies I'm gonna have a sugar rush until Halloween"- and he chuckled.

- "I'm jealous. Mikey took away all my candy today."

- "Why?"- the boy frowned.

- "He said I can't have that much sugar"- and Joey bit her tongue. She couldn't eat that much sugar being pregnant. She was pregnant with Matthew's baby.

- "What is he? The sugar police?"- and the girl slightly smiled.

- "Yeah, I guess he is."

- "How is he?"

- "He hates you."

- "I guess everybody hates me, I hate me... mom hates me."

- "I surely doubt it."

- "Believe me, she does."

- "Anyway, we are not talking about that..."

- "Are we ever going to talk about that?"- and Joey knew the answer to that - "Yes, I guess we will... we have to talk, "But not about what you are thinking, cheater."

- "Good, great, yeah, awesome, we have to talk, I need to..."- but Joey stopped him again.

- "Not now, not today. When I come back to Los Angeles, we can meet, have a coffee and talk about it." Matthew nodded. He didn't have another choice but to agree with her terms. He wanted to talk to her, and he had to go along with her flow to win her back. Not along with his desires.

- "Do you want me to pick you from the airport?"

- "No thanks, I can take a cab."

- "You are gonna bring a million bags..."

- "I can handle it, don't worry"- her voice was so serious. Matthew knew he shouldn't insist.

- "Ok... how's your mom and dad?"

- "They are ok. They miss me."

- "I miss you too, so fucking much."

- "Ok, gonna hung up now."

- "I'm sorry, I just.... needed to see you."

- "And you saw me, and I wanted to know if you are ok, and now I know you are, so... I guess we are both..."- but no word came from Joey's lips for a second. She just zoned out, looking at Matthew- "I guess I should go, I have to get up real early, and I'm tired."

- "Of course, I don't wanna keep you up."

- "I'll call you when I get to Los Angeles."

- "Yes, please, let me know you are ok."

- "Do you know when you'll be discharged?"

- "In two days."

- "Good"- she nodded and bit her lips- "Ok, so, talk to you in a few days."

- "Yes... well... would it be ok if I called you sometime?"- she didn't know what to say- "Or text you, or something... just to make sure you are alright."

- "I'm alright."

- "I still get worried about you... traveling and all"- she looked at him, there was so much sorrow in his eyes, in his words.

- "You can text me if you want"- and a sigh of relief left his lips.

- "Thanks... now go to sleep."

- "Yeah, I will."

- "I love you"- he said, knowing those words might upset her, but he wasn't able to keep them in his chest any longer- "And I swear I'm gonna do whatever it takes to show you how sorry I am for fucking things up."

- "Bye, Matthew. Take care and say hello to your mom from me"- Joey ignored his last words and watched him for a few more seconds.

- "Talk to you later"- he murmured, fighting the tears that kept coming to his eyes

- "Bye"- Joey hung up and shut down the computer. In less than a second, she started crying, her heartbreaking and beating filled with love at the same time. Seeing him, hearing him. It was all too much.

- "How can I stop fucking loving you?! How on earth can you stop loving someone?!"

And as odd as it might be, Gerard was asking himself the very same question a few rooms away from her.

::: Denmark, March 15th, 2011 :::

Ray's arm felt numb underneath Joey's neck. But he didn't want to move it and wake her up. They were at the back of the bus, probably an hour away from Copenhagen. The girl had slept most of the trip after puking breakfast. The two of them had spent the whole journey there, with Mikey, mostly sleeping. They were all exhausted.

- "Hey guys!"- until Frank walked in and woke Mikey and Joey up- "Sorry, I didn't know you were sleeping"- he stood at the door with a sorry glance- "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to do the setlist now, 'cos we have been playing the same one for the last three shows, and it would be nice to make a few changes"- Ray nodded as Joey sat down, yawning.

- "Are we there yet?"

- "Not yet, Bug"- Ray smiled and moved his arm, feeling numbness and tingling- "Do you feel ok?"

- "Yeah, I'm hungry."

- "Here"- Mikey quickly grabbed a bag and gave her a cereal bar- "I got you healthy snacks when we stopped a while ago"- and he smiled, showing her a paper bag- "We've got everything you need to keep my nephew growing healthy."

- "Thanks"- she whispered, feeling awkward still just talking about her pregnancy like a common thing. She still didn't (or couldn't) believe she was pregnant.

- "So, setlist"- Frank sat next to his friends and started writing. They were halfway there when Iero turned to Joey and smiled- "Bug, pick a song"- and she frowned.

- "Why?"

- "We've been shitty friends. We never ask you what you wanna play."

- "That's 'cos I... you know, that's not my job, you are the band, you choose your songs."

- "And I choose you, like a Pokemon"- Frank grinned- "What would you like to play?"- Joey scratched her eyes and yawned again.

- "Vampires."

- "Done!"- and Frank wrote it down- "What else?"- the girl thought about it for a second

- "House of Wolves"- Ray smiled.

- "Loving your choices."

- "Thank you"- Joey finished her cereal bar and smiled- "Thank you, Mikey."

- "You are welcome, Bug"- a hum on the girl's phone caught her attention. It was a text from Matthew.

- "Hope you are having a nice trip"- and her heart raced, her cheek blushed, and her friends frowned.

- "Are you two in better terms?"- Ray asked, knowing neither Mikey nor Frank was going to ask without insulting Matthew.

- "Let's say I'm wrapping my mind around the fact I have to tell him he will be a father. I talked to him about his health, and that was it... nothing about us."

- "But he is texting you"- Mikey pointed out the obvious.

- "Yeah... but we are not back together. And I don't want to forgive him, so I'm ok"- the all nodded- "I just know I'm gonna have to deal with the whole baby thing with him, and I don't know if I wanna be mad at him the whole time"- they all nodded again- "I don't know what I'm doing"- she whispered.

- "If you want, we can say it's my baby"- Frank said with an honest smile- "I give them my last name. Matthew won't have a reason to be close to you, and everything will be awesome"- Joey chuckled at the idea.

- "You are so funny, Iero."

- "I wasn't joking. I can convince Jamia to go through the whole thing."

- "Shut up!"- Joey punched softly Frank's arm and smiled.

- "She wants to talk to you, by the way. Jamia"- the guitarist said and kept writing down in his notebook, avoiding making eye contact with the girl, just in case she would get upset.

- "That's cool."

- "I mean about your baby, in case you need any help... if you want to ask her things... she is there"- Frank finally looked at Joey and bit his lips- "I'm sorry I told her about that"- he made a pause, and Joey shook her head.

- "It's ok. I love Jamia... and I'm sure I'm gonna text her with a million questions in the next nine months, so... thanks"- the girl smiled and messed with Frank's hair. The four of them stayed quiet. Mikey was stuck at his book, Frank looked at the setlist and Ray at their schedule for the day.

- "Where's Gerard?"- Toro asked and looked around. Joey turned to the window, Mikey's eyes stuck at her. He was dying to talk to her about what had happened with his brother. He wanted to know her side of the story.

- "He is at his bunk"- Frank simply replied- "He has been there since we got into the bus."

- "Good, stay away from her,"- Mikey thought and went back to his book. Maybe his brother was doing the right thing for once.

It was three in the morning, and Matthew woke up for the hundredth time that night. It was hard to sleep at the hospital. There were many noises all night long, and nurses that came to put an eye on him. Just two more days, and he could go home. That idea made him happy. Six more days and Joey was going to be back in Los Angeles. The hum of his phone took him from his thoughts, and a smile lodged on his lips immediately.

- "Already in Denmark"- Joey had answered his earlier message.

- "How was the trip?"- he quickly typed and waited, staring at the screen. Joey looked at her phone and held her breath. She was lying on her bed, knowing she wasn't going to get any sleep. The tv was on, the sound in the background of her room made her feel a little less alone.

- "I slept most of the way"- she simply replied and closed her eyes. She felt like a schoolgirl talking with her crush. Decided to avoid her phone, the girl surfed channels for a while. But an incoming text took her complete attention. She wanted to read it so badly, but she didn't want to want to read it. If that made any sense at all.

- "I'm jealous. I can't sleep in this hospital,"- Matthew wrote and sighed. He looked around his room and his eyes laid on the stuffed animals still on the couch by his bed. The ones he had made for her. He just hoped she would like them.

- "Hospitals sucks,"- Matthew chuckled. He could almost listen to her voice saying that as he read it.

- "Food is the worst. I've been living on Paget's candies,"- but that message, Joey didn't reply. He waited for at least ten minutes, but no answer appeared on the screen. He closed his eyes and sighed. He didn't want to push things too fast, but at the same time, he couldn't help it, he needed to talk to her for hours, like before.

Joey was curled in bed, surfing channels, her phone hidden underneath a pillow. She knew talking to Gubler was a bad idea 'cos she loved him. So instead, she hid her phone from her and glued her eyes to the screen. Bad luck for her, "The Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou" was on. It was like life wasn't helping her at all. Matthew was everywhere. Including the movie she watched.

- "I should go get something to eat,"- she typed, giving up at the temptation. Gubler opened his eyes. It took the girl over half an hour to reply.

- "With the guys?"- he wrote quickly

- "No, I'm alone today, they are doing their band shit"- she sat on the bed and put on her shoes- "Talk to you later"- and finished the conversation.

- "Take care,"- Matthew answered quickly. He smiled and closed his eyes, sighing- "Baby steps, Gubler. Baby steps."

- "What the fuck are you doing, asshole?!"- Joey slapped herself mentally- "Stop giving him hopes. You are not getting back together."

Mikey wasn't himself that day. He wasn't mentally there at any of the interviews. His brother was in love with Joey. The thought of Gerard trying to kiss her was hunting him. It was sick. And when she was drunk, when she was sad. He even felt guilty for leaving her with him. Like he was responsible for his mistake.

- "And why the fuck didn't she tell me?! This is huge?! Doesn't she trust me? Isn't this important? I thought we were brother and sister! This is something you share with your brother!"

- "Mikey?"- Frank moved his hand in front of the bassist's face and frowned- "Are you here?"

- "Sorry, I spaced out... what is it?"

- "The interview is over; we can go"- Mikey looked around. He was the only one still sitting at the radio studio.

- "Right."

- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah."

- "You are quiet."

- "I don't usually talk a lot in interviews."

- "Touché"- Iero chuckled and tapped on his friend's back- "Tired?"

- "Weary"

- "Just a few more days, hang in there"- Mikey nodded and walked with his friend. Gerard looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He didn't reply, not even with a gesture. Mikey just continued walking. He knew what he had to do. He just found it weird.

- "Hey"- he whispered, making sure his brother wasn't going to overhear his conversation and held his cellphone close- "Are you feeling good?"

- "Yeah"- Joey rolled in bed and sighed- "I already had lunch half hour ago, and it's still in my stomach, so I guess I'm awesome"- Mikey smiled.

- "Were you sleeping?"

- "No, just rolling in bed and coloring mandalas from time to time, watching tv."

- "We are going to the hotel now."

- "Great! Are you gonna nap?"

- "I wanted to hang out with you."

- "Great! Bring candies."

- "I'll bring healthy snacks for my nephew"- Joey sighed at those words. She wasn't ready to start talking about her baby.

- "A tiny little Snicker, for Christ Sakes. For your niece."

- "I'll think about it."

Joey watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, trying to wrap her head around the fact she was going to have a baby. Sure, she always thought about it, but not at twenty-six. Yes, she wanted to have a baby with Matthew, but not under those circumstances.

- "I guess I'll have to make the best of it"- she sighed, rubbing her belly sweetly- "You are gonna have Halloween every day, I swear"- Joey whispered- "I'm gonna make sure you've got everything I never had. Your dad is gonna go nuts when we tell him... I still don't know what kind of nuts, but I guess we'll have to figure it out."

She made a pause, thinking about Matthew telling her he wanted to fill their house with babies. Maybe he was going to be excited after all. Maybe.

- "Your uncle Mikey is gonna spoil you, that I am sure about"- the knock on the door took Joey from her conversation with her belly. Mikey stood at the other side, smiling and holding a fun size Snicker bag.

- "I'm going to give you one every day. That's gonna be your only candy, ok?"

- "Thank you!!"- Joey walked in, jumping in excitement, making her friend chuckle. He was slightly mad at her, but still, he couldn't be mean to her- "How was work?"

- "Boring, I think I fell asleep during most of the interviews"- the girl chuckled and sat indian style on her bed- "I can see you are watching kids movies already"- the bassist raised an eyebrow staring at the screen.

- "I happen to love this movie... I'm a Halloween kind of girl."

- "Yeah, I know"- Mikey stood in front of Joey, chewing a Snicker.

- "Aren't you going to sit down and watch this masterpiece with me?"

- "I need to talk to you about something first."

- "Shoot"- but Way didn't know how to start that conversation. He thought about it the whole morning, but he still had no clue. So instead, he mumbled some unintelligible words- "What is it?"

- "I just..."

- "Is it because I've been wearing a lot of your hoodies? I'm sorry, the ones I brought are Matthew's, and I don't feel like wearing his clothes."

- "No Bug, it's not that."

- "'Cos I'm wearing Frank's too... which is pretty weird 'cos he is my size..."

- "No, Joey. It's not about that."

- "Then why are you so serious?"

- "'Cos you never told me you kissed my brother"- and Joey's face fell.

- "Did he tell you?"

- "Clearly... what the fuck?"

- "I don't know!!"

- "Why didn't you tell me?!"

- "'Cos if I never told anyone, I could pretend it never happened! And I wish that never happened!"

- "What the fuck was that about?!"

- "I don't know, I felt like the shit, he kissed me, I didn't stop him right away..."

- "Do you like him?"

- "No!"

- "Do you love him?"- Mikey was serious about his questions- "'Cos he is sure he loves you."

- "I don't love him, Mikey. We both know there is only one shitty person I love"- Joey laid back on the bed and covered her face with her hands.

- "Do you think I'm proud? I should have never done that! and I definitely shouldn't have let him get to the point he got"- Mikey frowned.

- "What?"

- "So he didn't tell you he wanted to fuck?"- the girl simply replied- "When I was drunk... we kissed, at a certain point we made out, but I wasn't very conscious of what he was doing... I just... in my intoxication... I thought he was Matthew."

- "What the fuck?"- Way wide opened his eyes and turned to his friend in shock.

- "Yeah, it was sick..."- she whispered, embarrassed.

- "Joey, that's abuse!"

- "What? no!"- the girl gasped.

- "Joey, my brother tried to abuse you"- Mikey yelled- "You were drunk!"

- "Yeah, but..."

- "You were nearly unconscious, and he tried to make out with you?"

- "No! No! I mean, a part of me knew what I was doing. I just... didn't know who I was doing it with."

Honestly, that didn't sound like an excellent explanation of the facts. Joey was in denial of how bad things had gotten with Gerard.

- "Bug, that's not right! He knew exactly what he was doing, and he shouldn't have done that to you if you were drunk!"- Mikey's words resonated in Joey's head.

- "He didn't try to rape me. I mean, he stopped when I realized he wasn't Matthew... and honestly, I'm not trying to defend him, but I was pretty disgusted by my actions right away!"

Joey stood up and looked at her friend right in the eyes. At that moment, she decided the best she could do was take the pushy scene from the story, when Gerard didn't want to let her go. It was better to forget that moment and pretended it never really happened.

- "The first time he kissed me, I thought making out with your brother was the perfect revenge against Matthew, mostly 'cos he was always saying Gerard had a thing for me"- the girl sighed and pouted at her friend- "Who was ever going to think he was right?"- Mikey wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of your head- "I just didn't know that one kiss made him think we could do it again when I was drunk."

- "Please don't do stupid shit like this again"- she nodded

- "Your shirt stinks"- she joked, making her best to stop the serious conversation 'cos she couldn't stand arguing with Mikey, and less talking about that subject.

- "Sorry, I ran out of clean clothing 'cos I've got a friend who keeps wearing everything I own"- he chuckled, and Joey smiled, letting him go slowly to go back to the bag of candies- "I said just one a day."

- "Can I get an extra one today? Please?"

- "No, you are grounded, 'cos you did something incredibly stupid"- they stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, until Mikey smiled- "Fine, but only today"- she girl smiled and landed a kiss on Mikey's cheek.

- "Thank you. Besides, Ray is the only one who can ground me around here."

- "Right"- Joey chewed her Snicker and laid back in bed, tapping the spot next to her- "There's still one more thing."

- "Oh shit! I don't want to have more serious conversations. We've had enough of those already."

- "He claims to love you"- Mikey just said, and Joey closed her eyes, wincing.

- "I know! And I find it as stupid as false! We've barely talked this whole time! He has no idea who I am, what I like, or anything! He is just talking with his cock!"

- "And what are you gonna do about it?"

- "Stay as far from him as possible"- Mikey laid next to Joey and held her hand- "Do you think the others suspect anything?"

- "Frank, for sure. He has been arguing about it for days now."

- "Shit!"

- "But hey, hey, don't worry"- Mikey tapped on Joey's hand- "It's gonna be ok."

- "Bróðir"- the girl made a pause and never unglued her eyes from the screen- "I'm gonna have to leave."

- "No!"- his voice sounded serious and certain- "You don't have to!"

- "I'm nothing but trouble! This tour is more a soap opera than a job at this point! Breaking up with Matthew and having all of you taking care of me, now I'm pregnant, your brother claims to love me." Joey turned to Mikey and cut him a shy smile. - "Face it, if you had hired a male drummer, you would have had a quiet tour. Nothing to worry about, not all this fucking drama to deal with."

- "If we had hired anyone else, I would have had a miserable tour"- Mikey simply replied and messed with Joey's hair as the two of them returned to watch the movie- "So stop saying nonsenses."

- "I'm so sorry..."

- "Knock it off"

- "And I don't want you to be mad at your brother."

- "I'm not mad"- Joey raised an eyebrow and looked at Mikey- "Fine, I hate him right now, 'cos he has been acting like a fucking crazy jerk, and honestly, he nearly abused you, Joey!"

- "Don't hate him... let's pretend none of that weird shit ever happened, which is what I'm planning to do."

- "Fine"

- "And don't get all weird."

- "Fine"- Mikey sounded a little annoyed.

- "And don't make a fuzz if I stay away from him."

- "I'll support you, I'll even stay away from him myself."

- "Don't. He is fucked up. Maybe if he opened up with you, it's because he needs company or someone to help him overcome this... madness."

Mikey turned to Joey again and sighed. He disagreed with her, and he was planning to stay away from his brother and keep him away from Joey as well.

- "And how was your talk with Matthew?"- Joey's heart raced just by hearing his name- "The red cheeks are giving you away."

- "It was... ok, I guess."

- "And now you are texting"- she sighed and huffed.

- "I'm gonna have a baby with him, Mikey. It's hard."

- "And you love him."

- "Not the point... and that's all I'm saying about that subject."

- "Ok"- Mikey wrapped an arm around Joey's neck, and she rested her head on him- "Let's watch the movie before we have to leave for the arena."

Mikey wasn't mad at Joey. He was scared she might consider leaving the band. He loved having her there. She was honestly his anxiety shield, and he couldn't deal with that tour without her. Not at the moment. He was alone. He felt alone, and she was the one with him always. Ray had Christa, Frank had Jamia, Gerard had Lynz (and it was now obvious: he also had a stalking problem).

Mikey had Joey. At least when they were on the road. Hiding in their friendship and brotherhood was the only way he could handle loneliness. Or to avoid it.

**

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[angstsfordays]

Beautiful Pain (8)

Chapter Eight- It Starts Today

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced! Reader

Summary: Post-Blip, you started to feel lost when most of the Avengers team are gone. Coping with your loss, you still find hope in the connection with your remaining friends. However, it is not easy as everyone is trying to figure their lives after the Blip.

Having a long history with Bucky ever since you both saved each other from Hydra, you were still glad you had Bucky after all this time. However, as you try to give Bucky space to find himself after being pardoned for his past, you start to wonder if you should ever cross the line of friendship before it’s too late.

That thought might have to be put on hold though, when you, Sam and Bucky find yourselves having to deal with threats that continue to rise in a post-Blip world.

Chapter synopsis: You aren’t sure how to move on from the aftermath of Latvia. Was it time for you to confront your feelings for Bucky or would you retreat back, pretending as if nothing ever happened?

Warnings: Fluffiness. Slow-burn but we're getting there! Perhaps some tear-inducing moments! 😭

Word count: 61k

Notes: Hi! I’m back after my assignment submission. Currently on a short break before an exam is due in 2 weeks. Ever since the series ended, not gonna lie I was a little unmotivated to write. However, I didn’t want to let down all those who have supported this series so far.

Hope you enjoy this chapter! 🥰 Btw, I legit bawled my eyes writing the last part! 🥲

Please give support by leaving likes, comments or helping to reblogs! Thank you! 🙏🏼

Previous: Prologue | Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven

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“I’m surprised you’re still here. Figured you would be resting at home after what had happened.” Melissa, the manager of the social service centre you work for came by your desk.

“Sorry, I took urgent leave.” Looking up from the backlog of paperwork that had accumulated, you gave a sheepish smile at how much you had to get done. Melissa leaned her weight on the side of your desk and glanced down to your tired eyes.

“It’s fine, Y/N. But I don’t know if diving back into work is really the best for you now. ” You closed your eyes and let out a heavy sigh. Pinching the bridge of your nose, your eyes opened to see Melissa looking down at you in concern.

You were grateful for her check-in. Despite your so-called Avengers status, she never treated you like you were special. You still recalled the day where you stepped into her office for an interview for an open position on her team. The shell-shocked expression she had when she recognised who had decided to show up for a job interview in her office on a Tuesday morning was priceless.

“I don’t understand. Why would you be applying for a regular job here? I would expect you to continue your superhero career?”

Melissa asked with a hint of doubt before looking through your resume. Tactical negotiation skills do seem like an asset they could really use here in social work….

“There’s no more Avengers now…. Besides, I’m tired of fighting and I’m ready to do something else. I like to believe the real heroic work lies in our community.”

Your response took Melissa by surprise, in a good way of course. There was no hint of superiority that you exuded. What she saw in front of her was a woman who seemed earnest to do good work for her community.

“Any other things you would like to add on to show how you can contribute to the team?” Melissa looked at you in a renewed light and she inwardly smiled at the sight of you deep in thought to find an interesting response like any other nervous interviewee.

“I’m basically a human heater. I could step up to help if the electrical heater is not working in the winter?” The expression you had on your face after giving your reply made Melissa chuckled out loud. You inwardly cringed at your seemingly lame response but eased up when you see Melissa breaking out into a laugh.

“Perfect. Welcome to the team, Y/N.” Melissa extended her hand towards you and yours eagerly reached out to return the gesture.

Working with the social service centre here in New York had been great. You had finally found renewed passion in your life after the events of the Blip and the loss of your friends.

Everyone at the office made up a close-knitted family-like working environment and it was an added bonus that Melissa was an amazing boss too and became an unexpected confidant of yours. You felt like you finally found your place once again.

“Work keeps my mind busy. I much rather be busy than being left alone to my thoughts.” You were referring to your own overthinking with the whole Bucky situation. It had only been a few days since you returned back from Latvia, but it felt painfully long.

Melissa looked over you once more in concern. She knew that you were more than willing to share your thoughts openly with her as you two have established a close friendship outside of work for the past few months. However, she knew that they were still some things that you kept to yourself in private.

While you always maintained an optimistic front, she knew that you were only human and susceptible to darker and deeper emotions especially after all you had been through.

“Hey, Joey is making a coffee run at that new coffee place around the block. They’re having a 1 for 1 coffee deal today. You want your usual?” Nodding gratefully, Melissa gave your shoulder a light squeeze before moving off.

You swivelled your office chair back to face your laptop. The words on the screen didn’t seem to focus as your mind was clouded with the recollection of what had happened after witnessing John did the unthinkable.

What he did back in Latvia had become international news the very same day, the amount of scrutiny and support for him were head-to-head on the internet. The news on television ever since you returned home had been covering it day and night. As you recalled back the order of events that happened back in Latvia, you could feel an invisible weight in your mind and heart.

Sam and Bucky went to find John while you tried to manage the aftermath of everything that had happened. You helped to settle things with Lemar and assisted in the reports that had to be accounted back to the authorities back in the states.

When Sam and Bucky returned back to find you, they filled you in on what happened and you learnt that they had to forcibly take back the shield from John. It was too dangerous to even let John have the shield anymore, given what he had done to Nico. You were sure that it must not have been an easy fight as you recalled the bruises on each man’s face.

The three of you had another meeting once everything was settled. You were disgruntled to learn that Karli and her group were once again on the run and you were all sure that she would now make sure that she’s impossible to be found.

Looking back and forth between your two boys who found themselves at a standstill, you quietly figured that this was the end of the mission regarding Karli. Even if it was for a brief moment, you felt happy to have worked with them. It almost felt like a sense of normalcy as you worked as a team again.

The reality was that you knew Sam and Bucky still had a strict working relationship and you ever wondered if there was a chance for all three of you to work together again as the Avengers. Preparing yourself for the disappointment, you silently watched as your boys exchanged silent looks once more.

“I guess this is goodbye.” You first spoke up amidst the silence. Both men looked up in surprise when you decided to voice out the reality of the situation. You walked over to Sam to give him a goodbye hug and lingered for a moment as he gave you a couple of pats on your back.

“You take care, alright? You know you can reach out to me anytime.” Sam assured you to which you returned a grateful smile.

“Of course, see you soon hopefully.”

As you pulled away from Sam, you turned to see Bucky standing with an unreadable expression on his face. Walking gingerly towards him, you wiped off the non-existent palm sweat on the side of your pants as your heartbeat started to pick up.

“Hey.” It was just one word but you felt yourself choking to utter it out. You weren’t sure how to face Bucky especially from whatever happened back with Karli.

You weren’t sure if you wanted to address the elephant in the room but you figured that you could brush it under the rug if it didn’t seem like Bucky was intending to talk about it too. There was a brief awkward silence before you decided to break it.

“I know you still have unfinished business” Bucky’s eyes glanced off to the side and then to the ground before they met yours. Bucky was not surprised that you understood him so well. Yes, he had unfinished business with Zemo and he needed to follow through with it.

However, he also wanted to badly talk things out with you. Many revelations had come to light unexpectedly from one event to another and he wanted clarity.

“You wanna come?” Giving a brief smile at his invite, you considered it for a brief second. After everything that happened from Germany to Madripoor and to Latvia, you believed you needed to take a step back.

You would have never thought that your deep-seated feelings for Bucky would ever come to light, and it was in the worst-case scenario imagined.

What should have been a private and intimate revelation had turned out otherwise. Karli had inadvertently outed you and you were forced to confront your feelings for Bucky before you were even ready.

As much you wanted to talk things out with Bucky, it was not the right timing. Not with Zemo still out there roaming freely. Unfortunately, work needed to come first in this situation and you had to let it take priority over your heart.

Immediately as you shook your head, you could see the puzzled expression painted on Bucky’s face. He did not expect your response as he figured you would have been more than willing to accompany him.

“You don’t need me, Buck.” You were wrong, Bucky thought. Yes, he could handle Zemo on his own but he wanted nothing more than to have you by his side especially since he had learnt of your deeper feelings for him. He didn’t want to let you leave just yet.

Wrapping your arms behind his neck, you pulled Bucky slightly down in an embrace before placing a short peck on his lips. “See you around, Buck.”

“Change of plans, Sam. Mind if I head back with you?” Seeing you turning your back to walk back to Sam, Bucky could feel a sense of disappointment and hurt washing over him. Tuning out Torres’ comments, Bucky stalked out of the door.

-------------------------//---------------------------

It was not difficult to figure out where Zemo would have escaped to. As the memorial statue to commemorate those who had fallen in the events of Ultron came into sight, Bucky’s fingers clenched tighter around the gun he had been holding.

“I thought you would be here sooner. Don’t worry, I’ve decided I’m not going to kill you-” Zemo could see Bucky in his peripheral line of sight.

“Imagine my relief.” Bucky returned sarcastically. Zemo turned to meet Bucky before he continued to speak.

“Or your pretty friend.” A small smirk formed on Zemo’s face as he sees Bucky clicked the gun in his hand with a hardened look.

“You touch her and I would end you right here.” It was almost satisfying to get a rile out of Bucky and Zemo knew you were his weak point.

He scoffed at how it was clear as day to everyone that you two had something deeper beyond friendship or camaraderie. And yet, the two of you chose to never address it.

Zemo then went on to talk about how Karli was beyond redemption and that warning Sam had been a futile attempt. He believed Bucky had the will to actually do what’s necessary, given that he was indeed programmed to kill.

Bucky was seething with silent rage. He was not a killer anymore. Zemo’s mere insinuation only served to remind him how people never changed their perspective on him. Bucky responded that he would figure out a way that didn’t pander to Zemo’s drastic methods.

Raising his right arm, the gun was pointed towards Zemo. The rush of emotions overcame Bucky as he thought about how Zemo made his life hell, accusing him of a crime he didn’t commit.

Despite some truths to his words, Zemo was relentless and pragmatic in achieving his goals and he was deemed too dangerous to be left unattended.

Gripping the gun tightly, Bucky cocked back the trigger and let it go. Zemo accepted his fate, knowing he had done Bucky wrong. The sound that followed next was not as deafening as the silence that followed next. Zemo then realised Bucky had indeed managed to move on from his past and did not succumb to his darker desires to kill him.

Bucky watched on as the Dora Milajae came to escort Zemo, with plans to take him to the raft where he would face imprisonment for the rest of his life.

Ayo came up to Bucky’s and advised him that it would be best if he avoids coming back to Wakanda for the time being. Bucky agreed that it was fair.

“Give my regards to Y/N.” Bucky nodded once more at Ayo’s words, however, the masked expression on his face did not go unnoticed by the Dora Milajae’s second in command.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, uhm-nothing. It’s fine.” Ayo gave Bucky a knowing glance before bidding him goodbye.

“Hey, I might have another favour to ask of you.”

-------------------------//---------------------------

Sam: How have you been doing?

Y/N: Alright…I’m busy with work. :)

Sam: Have you spoken with Bucky?

Y/N: Not really, I know he’s probably finishing up business in Sokovia.

Sam: Shouldn’t he be back home by now?

Y/N: To be honest, I’m not sure. I haven’t reached out and he didn’t contact me either.

Sam: Hey, are you alright?

Y/N: Honestly….no…I thought I could distract myself with work but my mind has never been rested ever since Latvia.

Y/N: I don’t know how to face him after what went down. Just wanna bury me in a deep hole or maybe get snapped again. Hmmm….

Sam: Girl, have you gone mad?

Y/N: Maybe

Sam: Hey, why not come over to my place for the weekend? You can finally meet Sarah and the boys.

Y/N: Oh no, Sam. I could never intrude.

Sam: What are you talking about? I invited you!

Y/N: ……….

Sam: Come on! Hey, you ever been on a fishing boat before?

Y/N: Not that I could recall of….

Sam: Then that’s perfect! Come check out my family’s boat, although it’s not in the best shape. Been trying to spruce it up and get it back to its former glory….

Y/N: Alright, dad.

Sam: Hey, watch your manners.

Y/N: HAHAHA ;) See you soon!

-------------------------//---------------------------

You were pumped to head down to Sam’s hometown for the weekend. It was long overdue after hearing about them so much.

Adjusting the strap of your duffle bag, you gingerly walked to the front door and gave a few knocks. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ears, you fidgeted on your toes, hoping that you would be able to make a good first impression.

When the door opened, your eyes first looked to see no one until you averted them down. You saw a young boy with glasses looking up at you with curious eyes. Mustering your best smile, you let out a warm greeting. “Hi!”

“Who’s that AJ?” You heard a woman’s voice calling after the boy in front of you.

“Mum, there’s an Avenger at the door!” The boy hollered back before running back into the house. You weren’t sure what to do next so you remained where you stood. Within a matter of seconds, the woman you had heard about so much appeared right in front of your sight.

“Oh, hi! You must be Y/N.”

“Er-yes, I am!” You returned enthusiastically and Sarah, as she introduced herself ushered you into the door. Your eyes roamed around the homey and cosy décor that filled the Wilson home.

“I didn’t expect you to show up so early! Have you eaten?” Nodding in response, Sarah pointed out to where you could put your bag down and went back to hustling in the kitchen. You told her you already had a quick bite before coming over and she looked at you with a pleasing smile.

“Sam’s actually at the dock right now,” Sarah informed you and you blanched at the thought of being by yourself without Sam to be a buffer for your first meeting with his family. However, your worries were for nothing as Sarah welcomed you warmly.

“Don’t worry, you can join me, I’m heading over too.” Her friendly demeanour eased your initial nervousness and you nodded eagerly in response.

As you and Sarah made your way over to the docks, the two of you fell into easy conversation. You learnt from her that she was struggling to keep the family business afloat and how they couldn’t even manage to get a loan from the bank.

Nevertheless, Sam was determined and managed to call in favours from their close-knitted community to chip in some help. A sudden wave of guilt washed over you when you realised that Sam had been facing real problems of his own and that you weren’t aware of it to help.

You had wished that you had been a better friend. Being the kind soul she was, Sarah dismissed your negative thoughts and reassured you that it was alright. From what Sam had spoken of you, she was eager to meet you herself.

“Sam says you always have his back when you are all out there in all the action.”

“Of course, we are a team. Sam’s a great person so it’s not hard to be there for him when he needs it.” Hearing your answer had Sarah throw a grateful smile your way. She was glad that Sam had someone he could trust while he’s out fighting the threats of the world.

As you two approached a medium-sized boat, you could make out the figure of Sam from a distance. You were excited to run up to greet him but it was the second figure on the boat that you stopped in your tracks.

A high-pitch whistle suddenly burst into your eardrums and you realised one of the pipes from the boat was loose. You saw Bucky heading down to help Sam and you gulped nervously as you continued to watch the scene happening in front of you.

You were definitely not expecting to see Bucky here in Louisiana. Why was he even here? Your eyes moved to see Sarah moving closer to where the men stood and Bucky introduced himself with a charming smile.

Sarah returned his greeting politely and looked over to Sam. “Hey, Sam! Look who I brought.”

Back turned, you were hoping to escape unnoticed, yet you were too slow as you heard Sam calling out for you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Slowly turning your back, you were greeted by the sight of Sam and Bucky looking with equally confused expressions on their faces.

Not knowing what to say, your eyes blinked far more than times than normal as you tried to straighten up and looked convincing. “Toilet?” You muttered out hesitantly. Sam was not convinced at all as one of his brows was raised in question.

“You came all the way to my hometown, the least you could do is say hi first.” Grimacing and giving a sorry look, you made your way to the boat and Sam helped you down.

“Hey, Sam. Thanks for inviting me.” You spoke as you gave him a hug in greeting. Bucky was surprised, to say the least. He was only stopping by to drop a package for Sam but he never expected to see you here.

He had trouble reaching out to you, crafting messages every other hour and deleting them before deciding to not contact you at all. He was wondering if you were still mad at him from when he last saw you in Latvia.

“Wait, what are you doing here, Y/N?”

“Sam invited me to come to stay with his family for the weekend, like a getaway.” Meeting Bucky’s bright eyes always did something to your guts. Your breath hitched at how he could so simply beautiful with the sea view set against his back.

“Or more like I want to introduce you to my family and planned a surprise proposal so that we can be engaged by the end of the week.” Sam’s arm landed with a slight thud around your shoulders. You turned to see him wiggling his brows and donning a mischievous smile.

Eyes widening once you processed his words, you can’t help a chuckle as you knew that Sam was trying to crack a witty joke to mess with Bucky. Bucky looked like he was about to actually combust and kill Sam with his fiercest glare.

“Oh Sam, what a way to ruin the surprise. I expected you to be more romantic.” You quipped back to play along to his shenanigans. Sam ruffled your hair endearingly before looking to Bucky who didn’t seem one bit amused.

“Woah, I’m just kidding. Would you look at his face? Man, I got you good.” A wide smile broke out on Sam’s face before he started cackling.

“That’s not funny.” Buck look to the side and gave out a short sigh of relief. He looked back at you with an unreadable expression. Sensing the tension in the atmosphere, Sam believed it was time to leave you two alone.

“Remember to thank me later,” Sam whispered into your ear before giving you a pat on your shoulder. Your brows furrowed in confusion as you looked at him walking off to the other end of the boat.

Bucky still continued to stand at his spot and you took the first step towards him. He was still silent and giving you an infamous brooding stare. Bringing two fingers to the corner of his lips, you gently lifted each side up to force Bucky into a smile.

“You are going to look physically 106 for real if you continue to frown like that.” You teased Bucky in hopes that he could ease up.

“Blame Sam.” He huffed like a little child who got nagged by his mother.

“Sam was just joking. You know that.” You removed your fingers from his cheeks and Bucky immediately missed the touch that you gave.

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Give me a smile.” Seeing your doe eyes looking at him adorably, Bucky felt his icy exterior melting. Pretending to clear his throat, he looked to the side before facing you with a tight but warm smile. His smile widened when he saw you returning a big grin.

For a moment, it didn’t feel like what happened in Latvia had crossed both of your minds. It was just back to the way things had been before. It was safe and comfortable. But was it what you really wanted?

Were you just going to ignore your feelings for Bucky forever?

“Are you two continuing to get lost in each other’s eyes?” Sam’s holler snapped you and Bucky out of your moment. The two of you awkwardly shifted before heading over to where Sam was. You both offered to help Sam on his family boat to speed things up.

It was a truly therapeutic afternoon for all three of you. Free from the world fighting and just hanging out as a bunch of friends (more so of your thought than the boys). The entire time, Bucky was subtlety (or not) flexing his strength as he took charge of most of the heavy work.

You could see the impressive looks from some of the community members that walked past and you smirked at how Bucky was trying his best to look unbothered from the attention.

“My welding machine is broken when I managed to find it, sorry Sam.” One of the elders stopped by the boat to tell Sam and he reassured that it was fine. However, you could still see his worried expression.

“I guess it’s time for me to step up.” You exclaimed while putting down the sanding paper in your hands. You asked Sam to guide you to what needed to be welded together. Extending two fingers together to mimic a gun, you gathered flame-like energy and started to weld the pieces of metal together like it was nothing.

You didn’t realise you had attracted a small crowd as everyone gathered to see the woman who was shooting fire out of her fingertips. “That’s so cool!” A young boy yelled in excitement as he jumped up and down.

Once you’re done, you looked to see the several kids clapping fervently. You gave your best smile and threw in a two-finger salute their way.

“Seems like you have fans now,” Bucky remarked to which you smirked coyly. “What are you talking about? I always have fans.”

After everything was done for the day, Sam brought you all some cold beer to end things right. Clinking your bottles, you took a seat beside Sam as Bucky talked about how he needed to get a hotel for the night before catching his flight out tomorrow.

As he spoke, he looked over to you with an expecting look before he took another gulp of beer. Sam scoffed before convincing Bucky to stay for the night with his family. Bucky still awkwardly shifted as he tried to decline the offer.

You felt a slight jab in your waist and turned to see Sam nodding over to Bucky.

“Come on Bucky, I’m also imposing here too. Don’t leave me by myself.” Just when Bucky was sure that he would flat out refuse Sam, your words managed to bring him back. He chuckled at you giving a sad puppy look before he admitted defeat.

As the three of you returned to Sam’s house, you all washed up and got ready for dinner that Sarah prepared. You offered to help despite her insistence that you’re a guest. It was such a nice peaceful moment when all of you squeezed around the now seemingly small table now that you and Bucky joined in.

Nevertheless, dinner went well and the conversations were great. AJ and Cass heard from the kids in the neighbourhood about what you did and asked you to do a little demonstration before they got silenced by their mother.

“Are you like Uncle Sam’s girlfriend?” You choked on the water that you had just drunk and Sam who was beside you helped to pat your back down.

All attention went to little AJ who looked very serious in having his question answered. All the adults at the table didn’t know whether to laugh or panic at his seemingly innocent query.

Sarah handed you a napkin to wipe your face and you smiled gratefully. Bucky was experiencing a gnawing feeling. Sure, it was a kid asking an innocent question but it bothered him more than it should. His eyes averted to where you sat and he saw how you were trying to come up with a response.

“What makes you think so, kid?” Sam quipped in before extending an arm out to wrap around your shoulders. The spoon in Bucky’s hand was on the verge of being bent into half.

“I don’t know. You never bring a girl home.” AJ’s reasoning had you giggling at his adorable nature.

“Well, how about it babe? Should we tell them?” Sam looked at you with a smug look. You turned to see Bucky trying to look neutral but you knew his irritated look when you saw one.

“Sam….” You spoke in a warning tone before he snickered. Sam threw his hands up in defeat before turning back to his nephew to explain.

“Y/N’s a friend, she’s like a buddy to me.” Sam ruffled your hair before giving a pat on your head.

“You have someone you like, Auntie Y/N? Can I call you auntie?” Cass chimed into the conversation and your facial expression betrayed you before you couldn’t even pretend.

You sent a fleeting glance to a person with bright cerulean eyes before you cleared your throat and nodded to Cass.

“It’s a secret.” You spoke with a mischievous glint in your eyes. Finger raising up to your lips, you let out a small spark of energy which wowed the two young boys. You threw in an extra wink before you all resumed dinner.

The spoon in Bucky's hand was saved from being rendered useless. Letting out a relieved sigh, Bucky's heart started to pick up again as he thought about your response.

When would he able to catch you at the right time to talk?

-------------------------//---------------------------

AJ shared his room with his mum while Sam bunked in with Cass for the night. You took Sam’s room while Bucky took the couch downstairs. Sleep didn’t come easy for you that night and you decided to make your way down.

Once you were on the last step, you could see Bucky stretched out on the small couch. You made sure to be as quiet as possible before going to get a glass of water. Once you had your drink, you walked over and stopped a few feet short of where Bucky was.

The moonlight from the window added a beautiful glow onto him and you smiled at how he had a peaceful expression on his face as he slept.

Taking silent steps, you kneeled down near to where his head was. Seeing how he was letting out soft breaths, you believed that he was deep in a peaceful slumber.

You couldn't stop yourself from reaching out to brush the tips of his hair before sliding your fingers to stroke the apple of his cheeks. You smiled to yourself looking at the endearing sight in front of you.

Figuring you didn't want to stay on acting like a creep, you stood up and tucked yourself further into the warmth of your woolly cardigan.

You tiptoed to the front door and walked out to the lake by the Wilson house.

Breathing in the fresh air, you took in the beautiful night view and admired how the moon was reflected on the lake.

“Y/N.” Your eyes were closed and you wondered if you were hearing things. When your name was called a second time, you realised it wasn't just imagination anymore.

Letting out a shaky breath, you turned to see Bucky walking towards you with a nervous look. It dawned upon you that the inevitable moment had arrived. Now that you both had a temporary moment of peace from the non-stop fighting, you figured it was time to have the talk.

Standing face to face with Bucky, your gaze concentrated on the space beyond his shoulders. You weren’t sure how to face him in the eye yet.

It felt like minutes had passed before Bucky gathered up the courage to speak first. His hands were in his pockets as he looked down on the ground awkwardly.

“Did you mean everything? Every word you said to Karli back in Latvia.” Your eyes fluttered shut before looking back to see his intense blues peering back at you.

“Why would I lie?” You answered back in a whisper. Bucky nodded in understanding before continuing. “When did it start?”

“Remember Romania? We were at the farmer’s market and you were intensely deciding between the plums or tangerines. The poor owner thought you were getting pissed at him or something.”

“That’s what did it for you?” Bucky looked confused at your explanation. He thought it would have been some sentimental or romantic moment that you had realized your feelings for him.

“It’s cute. You’re cute.” You justified yourself nervously, murmuring the last part softly.

“Your definition of cute is weird.” He mumbled bashfully as he looked down to the ground in embarrassment. Shrugging your shoulders, you started to feel shy yourself.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” You let out a hum and thought deeply before speaking.

“I didn’t want to give you something to worry about when you’re still unpacking from the Blip, Steve leaving and your pardon. I also know you had your amends….didnot felt like it was the right time. Never felt like there was ever a right time with all the crazy things happening around us.”

“To be honest Bucky, it might have been hard for me but I would have been okay to not say anything at all. Sometimes loving someone doesn’t mean you have to be with them. True love is when you just want that person to be happy.” When you realised you had used the word love, you bit your lips as if to hold your tongue.

You slapped a hand to your lips before turning your back on Bucky, grimacing at the fact that you went that far in your explanation.

Bucky felt an emotion that was indescribable in words as he processed what you had just said. He then realised that you had always been selfless for him even it meant that you disregarded yourself in the process. How could he ever deserve someone like you?

Placing his hands on your shoulder to turn you back, Bucky was a little surprised to find you tearing up. You quickly wiped them away and averted your eyes away from him. Cradling your face gently in both his hands, Bucky gently wiped away a few more tears that cascaded down.

He didn’t want to see you cry anymore. He realised seeing you like this has brought him greater pain than he could have imagined.

He was at a loss for words but Bucky knew what he wanted to do next. He leaned down to place his lips gently on yours and your hands went to rest on the spot where his neck and shoulders meet.

Bucky hummed when he felt you returning the kiss and slid his vibranium hand down to your waist to pull you closer. Putting all his feelings into the kiss, Bucky wanted to let you know what he truly felt.

He slanted his mouth to deepen the kiss. You let out a soft gasp at the surprise but it was not unwelcome. You had always imagined what it would be like to finally kiss him and it was even better than you had imagined. Your arms snaked behind his neck to pull him down while his hands roamed around your back to feel you closer.

The two of you eventually pulled away for a little air after kissing for what it seems like forever. Bucky’s thumb swiped your swollen lips before learning it for another kiss once more. “I don’t deserve you.” He muttered through his breath.

“Don’t ever say that. Stop thinking of yourself as being unloveable. Know that you're the most precious thing to me. I will go through hell and back for you, always.” You confessed with an absolute resolve before turning shy. Your eyes moved to your hands smoothing down the material of his shirt.

Hearing your confession made Bucky the happiest and luckiest man in the world. How was he able to find someone like you who loved him despite everything he was and had done.

There used to be someone like that for him. Yet, in the end, he left Bucky alone in this world. Looking down at how you were shyly avoiding his gaze, Bucky's heart tightened in a good way.

He kissed the crown of your head before pulling you in for a bone-crushing hug as if he didn’t believe this moment wasn’t real and didn’t want to let go.

Once you two pull apart, his arms were still wrapped around your waist while you held his arms. "I love you so much, doll. You're the best thing that's ever happened."

Looking up to meet Bucky's eyes with renewed confidence, you never want him to doubt your feelings for him. He had gone through so much and you just wanted to never make him feel like he's alone.

"I will always be here for you, Bucky. You are my person to love and protect for as long as I live."

Your words were simple yet they were backed by such powerful and sincere emotions. Before he knew it, tears started to well up in his eyes.

Bucky started sniffing as tears started falling down his cheeks uncontrollably.

You were surprised at the sudden turn of events and you went to wipe his tears away with your fingers.

You found yourself joining him in crying as well but you knew that they were happy tears. Bucky brought his forehead to rest on yours as the two of you both cried silently.

"You're my only person. I will love you forever." Bucky spoke quietly before he leaned in for another kiss.

The two of you didn't want to let the other go that night. Bucky suggested for him to crash Sam's room but you were sure that your friend would throw a fit the next day.

You tried to control the volume of your giggles as you squeezed to fit into the too-small couch for two. Both of your limbs were tangled messily and you both embraced each other tightly to prevent yourselves from falling down.

The rest of the night ended in endless exchanges of smiles, eskimo and deep kisses. Both you and Bucky had finally found a home in each other.

-------------------------//---------------------------

The next morning

The sunlight shone throughout the whole room and you were reluctant to open your eyes. You felt Bucky stirring behind you as he tightened his hold on your waist.

"Oh heck no, did you two dirty my couch? I didn't give up my bed for you to snuggle with grandpa here, Y/N!" A sheepish grin formed on your face before you opened your eyes to see Sam standing with his arms crossed and a mocked disapproval on his face.

"Auntie Y/N likes Uncle Bucky!" AJ exclaimed aloud as he and his brother stepped into the living room.

You felt Bucky's chest rumbled slightly behind your back and you knew that he was amused to have riled Sam early in the morning. Pulling up the thin blanket over your head as if it could save you from embarrassment, Sam continued to go on his rant.

"Morning, my love." You turned to see Bucky looking at you fondly before leaning down to kiss the top of your brow.

Today is only the start of your forever.

-------------------------//---------------------------

"Wolves are known to follow one female wolf until death."

- Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo

P.S This is my all-time favourite kdrama. Check it out if you haven't! I find that the male lead has many similar qualities I see in Bucky and what a coincidence that he is also known as a wolf in the show just like our white wolf here.

Tag list: @tanyaherondale @spookycereal-s @cataves @archaeoheart @conflicted-noxsirius @archaeoheart @idiotinnit @anxious-stitcher @lindseyrae20 @mads-weasley @taina-eny @intothesoul @oopsiedoopsie23 @detecellie @blueboxesandcats

[vampiregirl1797]

Love is Patient

Joey Tribbiani x Plus Size Reader

 GIF Not Mine.

Click Here For My Masterlist.

 Warnings: Some pining, a hint of angst, self-depreciation, eventual fluff

 Word Count: 6,125

 Summary: Monica’s friend from collage comes to stay with her for a few days as she attends a job interview in the city. After the meeting, at Monica’s suggestion, she decides to extend her trip and during her time there her feelings towards a certain Italian develop into more than a crush. Monica has told her all about how he is with women, and so she knows her feelings are pointless and therefore decides to keep them to herself. But what if for the first time ever Joey looks at Y/N and sees more than a candidate for a one-night stand? What if he sees the potential for his first ever romantic relationship?

 A bubble of anxiety formed in my gut as I made out the sign for Central Perk—where Monica had told me to meet her after my interview. I pushed open the door, my eyes fluttering shut for a second to appreciate the warmth that washed over me. It was currently snowing outside, so to walk into the café where it wasn’t absolutely freezing was like slipping into a hot bath after a warm day; cosy and comforting. I hung up my red puffy coat on the rack by the door and fluffed out my hair to get it away from my neck. As I was doing this I spied Monica’s short black hair standing at the counter and accepting a giant cookie on a small plate. I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder accepting the one armed hug with a wide smile and a laugh at her eagerness—she’d last seen me this after noon, it hadn’t been that long.

 ‘How did it go?’ she asked after she pulled back from the embrace, her blue eyes shining with genuine curiosity.

 ‘Good, I think. I answered all of their questions and they seemed to really like me. Now all I have to do is wait and see, which is the worst part.’ I ran a hand through my long dark hair in frustration—I’d always been impatient.

‘Well you’re an amazing nurse, I’m sure they’ll welcome you with open arms.’ She assured me, patting my arm in comfort.

 That familiar swell of anxiety resurfaced as she led me a few steps towards the giant sofa—where her friends were sitting. I’d gotten in late last night and hadn’t rose until late afternoon. At that point I’d been running around and frantically getting ready for my interview, so I hadn’t had the time to be introduced to anyone new. Which I’d been secretly grateful for—I didn’t do well when it came to making friends. Monica was one of two people who I’d managed to form a companionship with over four years in collage. If that didn’t tell you I was awkward and hard for people to connect with then I didn’t know what would. But I forced those thoughts out of my mind and tried to smile in what I hoped was a friendly way.

 ‘Guys this is Y/N!’ Monica declared brightly, her free hand moving around and pointing to different people as she relayed their names, ‘Y/N this is Phoebe,’ the blonde girl waved enthusiastically and I felt my smile become more genuine, ‘this is Rachel,’ her greeting was more subdued, but no less authentic, ‘this is my brother Ross,’ his wave was a little awkward and I felt a wave of relief that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way around new people, ‘this is Chandler’ his wave mirrored Ross’ and I felt the tension in my shoulders completely dissolve. Maybe this is the kind of group I would actually fit into.

 ‘And last but not least…’ she shifted me to the right a little so I could see the attractive dark haired, brown eyed man who was sat on a chair about a foot away from the couch. He was wearing a white sweater and I had an errant thought that the colour made his skin look that much more tanned and smooth. His right hand was cupped around the cup of coffee he had on the small circular table in front of him, and his lips were turned up into a welcoming smile, ‘this is Joey.’ Monica said and I blinked in surprise; it had felt like minutes rather than seconds since she began her introduction, but it seemed like I was the only one who felt that way.

 The attractive man was the only one to offer his hand to shake, I assumed that was because he was closest and therefore the only one in position to do so. I barely managed to bite back a gasp at the tingle that shot right up my arm when my skin met his.

 ‘It’s nice to meet you,’ his smile was less friendly and more cheerful this time; I couldn’t help but return it.

 ‘It’s nice to meet you, too,’ I reluctantly removed my hand from his, trying not to look too awkward as I suddenly had no idea what I usually did with that hand. Did I put it in my pocket? Let it hang casually by my side? It was hard to remember when all I wanted to do was allow it to bask in Joey’s warm and somehow comforting touch.

 I cleared my throat and willed myself not to blush at the turn my thoughts had taken as I turned so I could face everyone as I spoke, ‘it’s nice to meet all of you, I feel like I already know you, Monica talks about you all so much when we talk over the phone.’

 It was true, and I found myself looking from person to person, pairing the stories with their faces. That made a ball of disappointment form in my stomach as I recalled something she’d told me about the handsome Italian: Joey isn’t really a one-guy kind of girl. He doesn’t like commitment, he likes sex and he’s happy going from one woman to another.

 ‘Here sweetie, sit down do you want some coffee?’ Monica asked as I took a seat in between Chandler and Phoebe.

 ‘Please honey, can I get a blueberry muffin too? I skipped lunch and I’m starving.’ I sighed, placing my bag at my feet and fighting the urge to pick my fingernails—a nervous habit I’d never really grown out of.

 ‘So Y/N, tell us about yourself,’ Ross said leaning forward in the arm chair he inhabited, careful not to jostle where Rachel sat on the arm, ‘Mon said you were in town for an interview? What’s that for?’

 ‘Oh I’ve applied for a nursing position at Bellevue Hospital Center,’ I said, trying not to blush at the impressed expressions a few of them now wore, ‘I’ve been working at a hospital in my home town since I qualified but I’ve always wanted to live in the city and when this position opened up it seemed like fate. I just hope I get it.’

 ‘I’m sure you will,’ Chandler reassured, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly. I was surprised by the gesture but I appreciated it.

 ‘It’s so cool that you’re a nurse.’ Joey said and the expression of wonder on his face while he looked at me did make me blush.

 Thankfully Monica chose that moment to pass me the coffee and muffin she’d acquired for me, so I took the distraction and hoped no one had noticed my reaction.

 ‘Thanks, Mon,’ I sighed gratefully, placing the hot beverage onto the coffee table in front of me before taking a huge bite of the blueberry goodness.

 ‘Good?’ Monica chuckled as she squeezed in on the other side of Phoebe.

 ‘Definitely,’ I nodded, not realising a moan of appreciation had escaped my lips—it just tasted so good when I hadn’t had anything all day.

 ‘Speaking of food, where are we going for dinner?’ Joey asked, a crease forming between his brows as if the answer were very important to him, ‘I’m hungry too.’

 ‘I don’t know,’ Rachel mused, her fingers moving through Ross’ hair as she deliberated, ‘we could order in some Chinese food? I’ve been craving Kung Poi Chicken all day.’

 ‘If we’re ordering in could we get pizza too?’ I tentatively proposed—it was my favourite food and I hadn’t had any in too long.

 ‘You like pizza?’ for some reason the Italian’s incredulous tone made me want to blush again, but I managed to force the urge down.

 ‘Like pizza?’ I scoffed playfully, ‘I love it.’

 The others chuckled at the expression that came over his face; he looked a mixture of surprised and awed. I tried to ignore the way my stomach fluttered in reaction to being on the receiving end of that look, and I chuckled with the rest of the group. Eventually we decided on a mixture; Phoebe, Joey and I ordered pizzas, and everyone else settled on Chinese food. With that decision made, we migrated up to Monica’s apartment and once the orders were phoned in, I decided to take a shower and change into some sweats—I’d been in my interview outfit. And that was too formal and uncomfortable for eating a big dinner and lounging on the couch while watching TV.

 Once I was redressed, I exited the bathroom with wet hair, feeling much more relaxed. Ross was sitting in the white armchair, with Rachel on the floor in front of him. Phoebe was on the green ottoman with her back to the TV, while Joey and Chandler were sat on the sofa with Monica in between them. The food was sprawled out on the coffee table in front of them and everyone was talking with the TV on quietly in the background.

 ‘There’s no way!’ Ross disagreed around a mouthful of chicken, ‘why would he united states government cover that up?’

 ‘You don’t think it’s a bit suspicious that Lee Harvey Oswald was killed two days after Kennedy was assassinated?’ Chandler said, nearly throwing rice all over the place. He sent Monica a look that was a mixture of apologetic and afraid.

 I hid a chuckle and slid into the space between Mon and Joey, pulling my knees up to my chest as I bit into the slice of cheese pizza I’d snagged. I tried not to think about how close I was to the Italian, despite the fact I could feel the heat his body was radiating. It got worse when his hand lifted and laid behind me on the back of the couch, probably in an attempt to make the both of us more comfortable.

 ‘Why are they talking about the John F Kennedy assassination?’ I whispered to Joey, smiling when he seemed to jolt out of his thoughts, I guess he didn’t hold much interest for the conversation topic either.

 ‘Monica bought it up, apparently someone from work was telling her a few conspiracy theories the other day.’ Joey answered, his voice just as low as mine, ‘so now they’re discussing weather they’re believable or not.’

 ‘Ah I see,’ I chuckled, deciding to take the opportunity to extend the conversation with the handsome Italian, ‘so what do you do? I never really got around to asking everyone before.’

 I was being very careful not to make my interest appear focused on him. I knew he was out of my league, not to mention he wasn’t the type of guy who wanted a relationship, according to my collage friend. I was the opposite; I couldn’t stand casual sex, I’ll admit the idea seemed appealing when I found myself in the midst of a dry spell, but no matter how horny I became I just couldn’t go through with it. Maybe it was because I needed an emotional connection with a man before we took it that far, or maybe it was because I couldn’t imagine being the type of girl a guy chose to have a one night stand with. They usually went with someone prettier and a lot skinnier than me. I didn’t have an issue with it—I used to be majorly insecure about my body, but I’d come to accept myself for who I was. That just happened to be someone that men needed to get to know before they found me attractive enough to sleep with.

 ‘I’m an actor,’ Joey said, a proud smile lighting up his face.

 ‘Wow, are you doing anything at the moment?’ I wondered, reaching forward and grabbing the unopened bottle of water in front of me.

 ‘I’m actually a re-occurring character in Days of Our Lives.’ He said, naturally shifting closer to me as we spoke, ‘I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.’

 ‘That’s awesome! Do you enjoy it?’ I knew it was a pointless question as I voiced it, but I couldn’t help but ask—the happiness that was shining in his eyes as he spoke of his job made my heart flutter in my chest, and so I couldn’t help but try to prolong it.

 ‘Are you kidding? I love it! I’ve been dreaming of acting since I was a kid, there wasn’t any other option for me really.’ He grinned, his free hand moving through his hair before dropping back to his lap.

 ‘Good for you—there are plenty of people who’re too scared to follow their dreams,’ I said as he reached forward for another slice of pizza.

 He appeared to be almost bashful as he processed what I’d said and waved off my words, almost dropping his food as he did. I bit back a laugh, not wanting to make him feel more embarrassed than he already was.

 ‘What about you? Have you always wanted to be a nurse?’ he asked, seemingly eager to get the attention off him.

 ‘Since my mom dressed me up as one for Halloween when I was five,’ I said, my tone light but not insincere.

 ‘Woah.’ He blinked, looking like he was trying to do the math on how long that was before he shook his head and gave up, ‘that’s a long time.’

 ‘It is,’ I agreed with a grin.

 ‘So, Y/N, I’ve been dying to ask—do you have any embarrassing stories about Monica?’ Phoebe’s bight and bubbly voice broke Joey and I out of our separate conversation.

 I looked over to her, pursing my lips as I thought and playfully smacking away the hand Monica tried to put over my mouth, ‘did she ever tell you about spring break sophomore year?’

 ‘Y/N!’ Monica groaned, covering her face with both of her hands and twisting to burrow into Chandler.

 I chuckled, relaying the story of Monica, a bottle of tequila, a karaoke machine and a Dolly Parton impersonator. By the end, everyone was laughing and my collage friend was blushing a tomato red. The rest of the night passed with casual conversation and I felt so comfortable in the company of people that had been strangers a mere twenty four hours ago, that I found myself eagerly agreeing to extend my trip.

 I had a feeling I’d finally found a place where I belonged, a place where I truly fit in, and I was in no hurry to leave that behind.

 //

 It was a few weeks after I’d arrived and I was rushing down to the coffee house, eager to share my news with someone. I had no idea where anyone was, but I’d left the spare bedroom I’d been staying in to be met by an empty apartment, and the second regular hang out was my best guess. Some might be at work, but I was hoping that with it nearing noon they would be making their way to the coffee house for lunch.

 My smile was bright as I walked through the door, hanging my coat up without even looking on the rack as my eyes were already darting around the room, searching for familiar faces. The only one I recognised belonged to Joey who was sat on the sofa, a cup of coffee in his hand and a magazine on his lap. The Italian and I had struck up quite the friendship in the short time I’d been here, or at least that was how it appeared to the rest of the group, Joey included. My feelings went much deeper than that, but the countless women I saw him hit on was more than enough to remind me that nothing would ever happen between the two of us. So I kept those thoughts locked up tight, deep down—I was quite proud of how I’d managed to keep up our friendship despite the romantic feelings I felt for him.

 Without giving it much thought I practically ran to Joey and practically jumped on him, my legs settling either side of his and my arms winding around his waist. The suggestive position was completely lost underneath my excitement to share my news with someone, and honestly I was kind of happy it was Joey who would hear the news first.

 ‘Woah, Y/N,’ Joey exclaimed, managing to stop himself from dropping the hot beverage in his hand out of shock. Once he was confident he wasn’t in danger of scalding either one of them, he returned her embrace, happy to have her so close.

 ‘Sorry.’ I said, but my grin didn’t falter, ‘I’m just so happy—I got the job!’

 It took him a moment but a few seconds later, his expression mirrored mine, ‘get out! That’s amazing, Y/N! I’m so proud of you!’

 He hugged me to his chest again and I felt reality catch up to me when he placed a kiss on my head. I returned his embrace for a few more moments before forcing myself off his lap and onto the couch next to him.

 ‘Thanks, Joe.’ I said, refusing to let myself think about the kind of relationship I’d never have with him. His friendship was more than enough; it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

 ‘We should celebrate! Maybe we could go out to dinner later?’ Joey suggested, taking a sip of his coffee, I thought I saw his hand tremble but when I looked again to check I dismissed it as his hand appeared steady.

 ‘That would be great! We’ll have to mention it to everyone later and see where they want to go,’ I said, frowning when his expression appeared to fall, but when he saw my concern he forced a smile on his face.

 I wanted to ask what was wrong, but it was clear he didn’t want me to as he excused himself to grab another cup of coffee—when he still had half a mug left—so when he returned I didn’t bring it up. We sat for a little while, and when he picked up his magazine to continue flicking through it, I read it with him over his shoulder. It was a habit we’d formed when he’d seen me reading a comic book, ever since then if one of us was reading, the other was too. That was how we were when the rest of the group seemed to join us at the same time.

 ‘Hey guys what’s going on?’ Chandler asked after he’d grabbed himself some coffee and took a seat on the stool by the sofa.

 ‘Actually, I’ve got something to tell you guys.’ I grinned, not noticing how Joey’s expression brightened at seeing my happiness, ‘I got the job!’

 ‘Congratulations!’ Monica practically screamed, leaning down to give me a hug.

 Suddenly I was overcome by countless versions of “congratulations” and an embrace from each of the wonderful people in the group.

 ‘Does this mean you’re moving here? Permanently?’ Ross asked from the armchair. I thought I saw his eyes flicker to Joey as I asked, but I couldn’t be sure.

 ‘Yeah, I’m going to have to find an apartment,’ I realised, a ball of stress suddenly appearing in my gut—I had so much to do before I started! I needed a place to live and furniture and—.

 ‘Hey don’t panic, you can live with me.’ Monica suggested brightly, ‘if you want to I mean, I’ve been kind of lonely since Rachel and Ross moved in together. It would be nice to have a roommate again.’

 ‘Really?’ I asked, reaching over to grasp her forearm, ‘are you sure?’

 ‘Of course,’ my collage friend smiled, laughing when I hugged her tightly, whispering “thank you” over and over.

 ‘That’s great! We’re gonna have so much fun!’ Monica smiled, ‘we should have a sleepover tonight to make it official! Phoebe, Rachel you wanna come over?’

 Both eagerly agreed and they started chatting about the activities we could do that night. I settled further into the couch, nodding in agreement with the games and movies they suggested. Honestly, I didn’t mind what we did, I was just grateful to have such a wonderful group of friends that accepted me for who I was, and were both willing and eager to celebrate this success with me.

 ‘Are guys welcome at this slumber party?’ Chandler wondered after Rachel proposed we played Twister, ‘I was Twister champ of the eighth grade and I’d like to defend my title.’

 I chuckled and my sarcastic friend shot me a smile of appreciation, as the most he got out of the others was a smile of amusement.

 ‘I don’t see why not, but you’ll be going down Bing. I won every game of twister at all of my slumber parties.’ Rachel bragged, and when Monica reached over to give her a high five I grinned.

 ‘You’re on, Green!’ Chandler exclaimed, the rest of us laughing at their rivalry.

 As the others chatted amongst themselves and I settled into Joey’s side when he lifted his arm to fall over the back of the sofa. It was something I’d seen Rachel, Mon and Phoebe do plenty of times with all of the guys, so I didn’t think it could be interpreted as more than a friendly gesture. I didn’t notice Chandler and Ross share a knowing look at our closeness; I was distracted by Monica asking what kind of snacks I’d prefer. It didn’t take long for her to finalise the plans and I could practically see the wheels in her head as she thought of everything she needed to do by tonight. The group left to continue their shifts at work after promising to meet at Monica’s by eight.

 ‘How about we go and get some lunch?’ Joey suggested, his voice casual and if I’d been paying attention I would’ve noticed it was too casual.

 ‘That sounds nice. We could go to the deli and get some sandwiches?’ I proposed as I shrugged my puffy coat on—the weather was still on the cold side.

 ‘Perfect.’ Joey grinned, holding the door open and his smile seemed to grow when I linked my arm through his.

 We chatted as we walked to Joey’s favourite deli, and when we arrived he insisted on picking out my sandwich for me. I agreed with a smile—it was impossible to turn him down when he looked so adorable and enthusiastic. We both ended up with meatball subs and I was unable to contain my sounds of pleasure as I ate it—it was without a doubt the most incredible thing I’d ever eaten. I’d told him so once I was finished and he’d cleared his throat and told me he was glad I enjoyed it. I didn’t notice the way he had to readjust himself before we left, the sounds of pleasure I’d made having inspired some… suggestive thoughts. But all I could think about as we headed back to the apartment was how happy I just knew I was going to be here—I could feel it in my bones with a confidence I’d never felt. I belonged in New York.

 //

 A few months had passed since I’d officially moved in with Monica and started my new job as a nurse at Bellevue Hospital Center. And I had never been happier! Work was wonderful, hard sometimes, but the rewarding feeling I felt after helping the patients that I could outweigh any difficulties. I’d gotten closer to the group and I was at the point now where I couldn’t imagine a time that they weren’t in my life—I loved each and every one of them like family. Well… all but one.

 The crush I’d had on a certain Italian hadn’t gone away with time like I hoped it would, but it had flourished into something much more intense, and much harder to dismiss. I had fallen in love with him. And I didn’t know what to do about it—I didn’t want to mention it to any of my friends, because as much as I loved and trusted them, it wouldn’t stay a secret for very long if I revealed it to anyone. As I said—the group was like a family and it was impossible for any subject that might cause tension to remain unobserved or unresolved, and I’d rather save myself the crushing and inevitable rejection. So, I didn’t say anything, and instead I started avoiding Joey. Not in obvious ways; for example I started making a conscious effort not to sit next to him whenever we hung out, and I started making excuses to not be alone with him. Stupid and childish? Definitely. But I had to try and get over him somehow and I didn’t know how else to go about it.

 I thought I was being subtle about it, but I discovered my efforts were wasted when the girls questioned me about it on a Saturday morning over brunch at the apartment. The guys were due to come too, which was probably why I was being asked before they got here, sneaky devils.

 ‘So what’s going on with you and Joey, Y/N?’ Phoebe asked in typical Phoebe fashion: blunt and unapologetic. It was something about her I admired—she always got to the point and said exactly what she meant. But I would be lying if I wasn’t cursing her for that particular characteristic as I choked on a sip of orange juice, totally taken aback by the subject change.

 ‘What do you mean?’ I said after I’d managed to clear my airway, ‘there’s nothing going on?’

 ‘You’ve started acting really weird around him, you two are usually attached at the hip when we hang out and now you go out of your way to avoid him.’ Monica added, not willing to let me brush it off.

 I opened myself to say something, but snapped it shut again when I realised I had no idea what I could say to that.

 ‘And you don’t hang out together anymore, Joey asked you if you wanted to go and see that movie you’ve been raving about yesterday and you blew him off.’ Rachel rose her brow, ‘Joey knows that excuse was bogus and he’s been racking his brain trying to figure out what he did to upset you.’

 ‘He didn’t do anything to upset me,’ I sighed, my shoulders slumping in defeat. I hadn’t even considered that Joey might notice I was blowing him off, and I definitely hadn’t wanted to cause him any kind of pain. I was being selfish in trying to protect myself and I realised if I carried on with this behaviour I might lose Joey all together—that was something I couldn’t bear to consider.

 ‘He didn’t do anything to upset me.’ I repeated, deciding the truth needed to come out—it wasn’t worth keeping it to myself if it meant I was hurting others, ‘I’ve been avoiding Joey because I realised I’m in love with him.’

 ‘Explain something to me,’ Phoebe started, leaning forward in her chair and looking me directly in the eye, ‘wouldn’t falling in love with someone mean the opposite effect? Shouldn’t you be not avoiding him?’

 ‘I was avoiding him because I was trying to work through my feelings discretely,’ I sighed, running a hand through my hair, ‘I didn’t want to say anything to him because I knew he wouldn’t feel the same way about me. Not only is he majorly out of my league, Joey isn’t interested in commitment and I would never want casual sex.’

 The table was silent for a moment, mulling over my words I assumed. I thought they’d realised that I was right when the silence stretched on, but Monica smacking me upside the head told me they were having a very different reaction.

 ‘Ow, what was that for?’ I exclaimed, more out of surprise than pain.

 ‘You’re an idiot.’ She said, as if that were enough of an explanation.

 ‘I’m gonna need more of an explanation than that, Mon.’ I huffed, sitting back in the dining room chair I was sat on and bringing my knees up to my chest.

 ‘Joey looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars.’ Rachel said, continuing when I stared at her in disbelief, ‘it’s cliché but it’s true.’

 ‘He’s always watching you whenever we hang out, he’s happy when you are, he hates seeing you upset—do you remember last month when a patient was pronounced DOA at the hospital?’ Monica continued when I nodded, ‘Joey noticed that you were barely holding it together and he bought you your favourite ice cream and your favourite movie. He sat and watched it with you, and held you when you broke down crying. When you fell asleep, he carried you to bed—he wouldn’t do that for someone he only saw as a friend!’

 ‘Or that time when you were being hit on by that creepy guy at the coffee house? Joey was there before you could even tell him to get lost and he didn’t leave your side for the rest of the night, because he knew you were worried the guy was gonna bug you again.’ Phoebe added as she buttered her bagel and took a bite when she was done.

 ‘Don’t forget when you mentioned that you hated going to and from work those first few weeks you moved here. You said you didn’t feel safe and Joey was there, dressed and awake at 6am so that he could accompany you to and from work.’ Rachel remembered—it was true, I hadn’t felt safe venturing out into the city so early and late when I’d first started my new job.

 I hadn’t even asked Joey to come with me, he’d just shown up and said it was no big deal, that he didn’t mind walking a beautiful girl to work. I’d blushed of course, but it had been the start of a tradition—aside from some rare exceptions—he walked me to work and was always there to meet me when I finished. I’d never told him how big of an impact that had on my day. Those days where I felt like a complete failure and questioned why I’d ever become a nurse were always immediately better when I saw Joey. His handsome face and warm brown eyes always shone with happiness and so it was impossible for my own mood not to brighten in response to his company.

 Joey had done so many things for me and out of the whole group he was definitely the one I felt the closest to. But did all of those things mean love? Were those only things he would do for someone he cared about on another level other than friendship?

 Monica appeared to be reading my thoughts, ‘I’ve known Joey for a long time and he’s never been that thoughtful or protective over a friend or one night stand.’

 I bit my lip, a bubble of hope swelling in my chest. Could it be possible? Could Joey love me the way I loved him? There was only one way to know for sure, but I would have to get him alone to do it—I loved the group but I didn’t want an audience while I confessed my love for the Italian.

 //

 I took a deep breath and then released it, slowly. I raised my hand and it hovered over the green door. I dropped it. I took another breath. I raised my hand and after a sound of pure anxiety left my lips I knocked. I tried not to think as I waited for the door to open, and thankfully I wasn’t left in anticipation for very long.

 ‘Y/N.’ Joey’s voice sounded a mixture of happy and confused. When I looked up into his eyes and saw that the warm brown reflected wariness I wanted to kick myself.

 ‘Hey Joe, can I come in?’ I asked, crossing my arms over my chest as I tried to keep my voice even.

 ‘Sure,’ he stepped aside and I walked in, usually I would’ve taken a seat in “Chandler’s Barcalounger” but I remained standing and turned to face him.

 I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze but I imagined he was trying to work out what kind of mood I was in—something Joey was usually very good at, I realised. I hadn’t noticed it before, I’d just assumed he was attuned into everyone but now that I thought about it, he only ever seemed to constantly focus on me. My heartbeat quickened at the revelation but it didn’t make me feel anymore confident.

 ‘I need to talk to you.’ I said, anxiously playing with the sleeves of my shirt, ‘and I just want to say that before I start, nothing has to change between us alright? You’re important to me Joey and I don’t want to lose you because of what I’m about to say, so can you promise me that won’t happen?’

 He stepped forward, his hands gripping the tops of my arms, his hold firm but gentle. The action caused me to look up to him and the sincere look in his eyes made my breath catch.

 ‘I promise that I’ll always be there for you, Y/N. No matter what.’ His words were coated with so much assurance that it was impossible not to believe him.

 ‘I’m in love with you.’ I said, or more blurted— the words left my mouth without my permission. As if my body were tired of my reluctance and took action for me, but I wasn’t sure I was grateful for it.

 Joey blinked, his sincere expression melting into shock, his hands remained on the tops of my arms, but I wasn’t sure if he was aware of it or not. My hands were slapped over my mouth, an involuntary reaction after my word vomit, and they stayed there for a long moment until I worked up the courage to drop them so I could speak.

 ‘Joey, I know you probably don’t feel the same, and that’s okay but… please say something.’ I pleaded and my tone must have gotten through to him, because he shook his head as if to clear it and his warm brown eyes found mine.

 The happiness had returned, but it was brighter than the sun, and if I weren’t physically incapable of looking away from such beauty, I would have worried about it blinding me. But I couldn’t help thinking: I wouldn’t mind losing my eyesight if this were the last thing I saw. His smile came next and before I could prompt him or beg him to speak again, his hands slid down to my waist and pulled my body against his. A gasp left my throat at the feel of his warmth wrapped around me and when he kissed me I swear time stopped. When it started up again my hands went to the sides of his neck, sliding into his soft hair. I’d never been kissed like this before; in a way that was tender yet passionate, loving yet adoring. I don’t know how long we were kissing for, but the apartment could have burned down around us and I wouldn’t have noticed. Joey pulled back before it could progress into anything more, his forehead resting against mine as we both caught our breath.

 ‘I love you too, Y/N.’ He said, his hands moving up to caress the sides of my face and smiling softly when I leant into his touch.

 My eyes filled up with tears at the adoring way he was looking at me, beyond grateful that the man I cared about returned my feelings, as he wiped them away when they spilled over and led me to his bedroom. Soft whispers were shared well into the early morning as we eagerly shared anything and everything, cuddled together on Joey’s bed. As the night progressed, our kisses became more fervent, more passionate. Clothes were stripped off and thrown to the floor, hands eagerly roamed as we each memorised each other’s bodies with our hands. While we moved together I couldn’t help but think about how perfect the moment was, how right it felt to be entwined together so intimately, and I knew as we reached our climaxes together—Joey and I were meant to be. Because there was no way that I wasn’t supposed to be with this wonderful man, the one who looked out for me, cared for me…loved me.

 I was without a doubt the luckiest girl in the world.

[gayenerd]

The Band You Love To Hate By Tom Lanham of RIP  (There’s no date on this but I would say 1995 or 1996?)

Eyes wide as a barn owl's. Spines stiff with anticipation, like a hungry scorpion. The two teenage girls sit stock-still in their booth at a posh Berkeley diner, practically bursting with excitement, but without the faintest clue how to handles it. Clueless, you might call them. A few feet across the linoleum aisle--with his back to them, oblivious to all the oh-my-gawd facial expressions--sits the object of their adulation, dressed in unassuming black jeans, black T-shirt, shredded black Converse, and a beat-up black baseball jacket. But even with his once-green dreadlocks tamed to a short black business cut, Billie Joe Armstrong--yes, the snaggle-toothed MTV ragamuffin from megaplatinum neo-punkers, Green Day--is as easy to spot as Michael Bolton at a Rogaine convention. Although the kids want to leap up from their seats and race over for an autograph or a jittery hello, they don't dare. Instead, they're forced to deal with their seething emotions as if they were eating post-tonsillectomy ice cream: a lot of numb gulping and a quick pain chaser. This is the blessing of being Billie Joe Armstrong. Alas, it's also his curse. By the time you read this, the irascible little rocker will have turned 24. And exactly two years ago, he and his wacky bandmates--drummer Tré Cool and bassist Mike Dirnt--lolled around the trashy basement flat they shared, getting stoned and sneering at the idea that Dookie--their just-released "sellout" on big-time Reprise--would ever amount to more than a nice drink coaster. Fame? They were more preoccupied with their bong collection, stacks of rock 'n' roll bubblegum cards, and a thriving sea monkey tank displayed prominently on a window-sill. Most of their furniture had springs poking through--they didn't care. Armstrong regularly picked boogers from his gold-ringed nostril and then flick them onto the scary shag carpet--what did he have to worry about? Too bad he couldn't have foreseen the all-too-near future. Green Day happened to be in the right place at the right time. The three-chord slam-a-rama Dookie--a pop-edged return to decade-old punk ethics--became the surprise hit of '94, going on to sell over 11 million copies. Armstrong, accustomed to frenetic club performances, began translating the group's infectious energy to larger and larger venues. Demand continued to grow at a staggering pace; Green Day fought back. They turned a satellite MTV Video Awards performance into a "spit-cam" fest by urging the crowd to gob any camera lens it could ("[The cameramen] tried to make it look like it was cool, but it wasn't"). Last October, Armstrong and company issued their 32-minute follow up, Insomniac, almost as an afterthought, with little promotion, a visually offensive video (for "Geek Stink Breath") and--at least initially--a strict no-interview policy. Simultaneously, they ditched their high-powered Cahn-Man management team and are now virtually managing themselves. Along the way, Armstrong married his long-time sweetheart Adrienne and last March fathered a son, Joey. In typical down-to-earth fashion, the couple spent their honeymoon a few blocks from home at Berkeley's prestigious Claremont Hotel, not on some exotic island. Beginning to see the problem here? How does a street-smart kid from humble beginnings skyrocket to world-class notoriety and yet--with his music in millions of homes and his privacy suddenly a right that needs defending--still adhere to the simple ideals, the simple lifestyle that spawned him? Is "successful punk" an oxymoron? Insomniac provided few clues--it was more of the same slacker-ennui sentiment, more defeated, disenfranchised grousing set to speedy, memorable hooks. Or, as Armstrong barks in the aptly-dubbed "Walking Contradiction," "My wallet's fat and so is my head...I'm a victim of a Catch-22." And that, in essence, was the topic this tortured artist wanted to discuss at the diner. The old "be careful what you wish for" adage. The classic "problem with success is finding someone to enjoy it with you" truism. Armstrong, who takes occasional sips from a vanilla milkshake, but mostly stares morosely at the floor, seems to be dealing with superstardom in a relatively normal way. Don't be fooled by the steady stream of negative vitriol that follows; he's analyzing it, breaking it down, figuring out ways to disconnect his kinetic career. Or at least turn down the volume for awhile. 

RIP: We know what's going right. But what's going wrong? 

BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG: Lots of things, really. Actually, when I came here today, I said I didn't wanna talk about anything good, because I don't really have anything good to talk about. Goin' on tour pretty soon--don't really wanna go. Just because I've been kinda torn. I wanna stick around at home. I don't like playing arenas, and I realized I didn't know what I was getting myself into on the last tour, but I went into it being positive and getting excited about it. But I didn't realize that I was the kind of person to whom it's too much of an event and not really a personal thing anymore. And I started to realize how much I liked being the background music to this scene at the club. And now it's.... I dunno. People expect so much. It's cool and stuff, and it can be a lot of fun, a really good experience. But when you play that many arenas.... The first time we ever played those big kinds of shows at the Shoreline (Amphitheater in Mountain View, California), there was weirdness--we were playing for a lot of f?!kin' people. And I hate to say it, but sometimes it just feels like another gig. We played every day, 50 gigs this last leg, and it just wears on ya. There's all these people, and they think "Alright. I paid my $15--you better impress the f?!kin' shit outta me right now!" And I realized that for Joey, the rock and roll touring life is not a good atmosphere for a kid. I tried to make it to where it would be, bringing lots of his toys out. But there are no familiar surroundings for him. And he likes all the attention--people come up and say hello to him every day, people who are on tour with us. But he doesn't have his own room or a home to go to every day. So, no more touring for Joey. 

RIP: Turned on Regis and Kathie Lee this morning to find their gossip columnist dishing dirt on Green Day. How Insomniac didn't do nearly as well as predicted, how it was a disappointment to the label. A failure, supposedly. 

BJA: Well, it's like, we didn't set up this record. We didn't. We didn't do any promotion beforehand, we completely quit doing interviews, and basically we just wanted to go on into it. We weren't even sure if we wanted to do a video. And then when we did a video, it got yanked from daytime rotation because people were getting grossed-out by it. So I think we did alienate a lot of people. So that was expected, that it wasn't going to sell a lot of records. 

RIP: NOFX have taken it one step further. They refuse to talk to press, make videos, pander potential singles to radio. They don't want to get any bigger. 

BJA: I dunno, maybe I'm just getting jaded or something. But I just got cable again and I can't stand anything. Six years ago you could hear something that was different and know that it was different. So it'd be "alternative" or whatever. But now it's like you get this Joan...Osborne? With the ring in her nose, waving the alternative rock flag, when she's just...not, ya know? And I'm thinking, I hate all this music that's coming out now--the past year was just hell for music. But people are buying it, so then I'm thinking, Maybe they're the ones that are good and I'm the one who sucks? I just don't know if I really wanna be involved in the rock world anymore at all. Period. I don't necessarily have anything against a big record company or people who what to join up with a big record company. It really is right for some people, but more and more, I don't think that I'm really meant to. And I hate to sound like that, because I don't like taking things for granted. I don't like to talk about my problems when there's some kid struggling in his garage somewhere saying "F?!k him! He's just taking it for granted. Shit, I wish I could do something like that, but I'm just stuck here in Biloxi, Mississippi, and I can't even get a gig." I'm so confused right now. 

RIP: It must be odd to know that, with all those millions of albums sold, drunken frat boys are probably staggering around to your music right now. Your audience grew far beyond your control. 

BJA: Oh, totally! We became what we hated. Which is, the people I despised in high school--and now--are buying our records. We initially became a trend, so there was no way I expected to sell as many records with Insomniac as with Dookie. That's one of the biggest-selling records of the decade. We get slagged by the punk rockers, and it's like, I don't blame them. If you draw that much attention to yourself, that's what you're gonna get--attention--and it's not personal anymore. 

RIP: Ever think about giving it all up? 

BJA: There isn't a day goes by in the past year and a half that I haven't thought about quitting. I went to this party on New Year's Eve, and this band Juke, and another band, the Tantrums, played in a friend of mine's backyard. And a lot of my old friends showed up, and everybody was just dancing. And I was dancing, and getting really muddy, and I was having a great time. I can't remember the last time I sat down and listened to a record from beginning to end and felt this incredible spine-chilling music. And it's because I haven't been able to go out and watch bands play at my free will. I'm not gonna live in a closet, I'm not gonna vegetate myself. 

RIP: But it has to be difficult, when tons of kids know your face. You're on your way to Michael Jackson-dom, where you have to wear a disguise in public. 

BJA: If you think about the Beatles, at that time all people had to go by were the photographs on the records and every now and then a television appearance. So when they'd come to town, people would just flip out--it became this huge public event every single time. Whereas now, everything is so saturated kids don't even have to leave their home to go to a show anymore. They can sit in the comfort of their living room, and your favorite rock star is gonna be entertaining you while you sit down and have your microwave burrito. 

RIP: The Milwaukee cops weren't pleased with aspects of Green Day's Milwaukee show last November. Why were you arrested? 

BJA: I dropped the pick and--actually, I even forgot about it--I just mooned the crowd, which is pretty harmless compared to what I've done before. And I wasn't even thinking about it--I just went out and started playing again. Then I went backstage and was hanging out with Adrienne, and this guy Jimmy who does security for us goes "Come on--there's a car waiting for you outside right now. You've gotta get out of here!" I said "What's wrong?" and he said he didn't even know. So we get in the car and all of a sudden about ten cops come walking over, fully surrounding the car. So the guy puts the cuffs on me, throws me in the car, and I get tossed in the holding tank for two, three hours. I wasn't in the bullpen--I was in with the other ones, the not-so-bad ones. They made me take all my jewelry out. And my shoestrings, so I wouldn't hang myself or something. I dunno. I just don't know how to fit into rock music anymore. I don't know what I like about it anymore. I don't like anything about it anymore, to tell you the truth. To tell you the real truth, I'm a pretty miserable person right now. I'm totally depressed, and my wife can vouch for that because she's around me. In fact, she's the only person who's really around me. I dunno, the whole thing with the mainstreaming of punk rock. I just feel lost in the whole thing...I don't really know...I don't wanna...I dunno...It's miserable, it really is. It's f?!ked up. 

RIP: For every original voice that comes along, there will be countless mad signing dashes for any and all sound-alike artists, with no thought given to the artist's longevity. Just throw the record out quickly and hope it sticks. 

BJA: The thing is, a lot of musicians have gotten so comfortable with this big so-called "Revolution in Rock Music" over the past decade. First it was like, "F?!k the corporations! F?!k the corporations!" And then people just sorta got cozy with that, and forgot that these bands are getting lost in the shuffle. And I'm talking about the ones that never get noticed at all and just get kinda bitter. The 15 minutes of fame is getting shorter and shorter. And now music is totally going backwards--the first half of this decade, there were a few things going on that were interesting. It wasn't my favorite kind of music, but it had a sensibility about it. If you think about Nirvana and Pearl Jam and that whole Seattle scene, and even the Offspring--there was this thing going on that was more honest, in a lot of ways. It wasn't like, beer, drugs and pussy, like what went on through the '80s with all the hair bands. But now what we've got is Hootie & the Blowfish.... 

RIP: Who are probably a lot like you. They seem like nice, regular guys who--through no real fault of their own--are suddenly assimilated into pop culture. 

BJA: Yeah, but that's the problem, is that they are nice regular guys. And they're totally comfortable with that, and they sort of put that out, to where they don't really have...I dunno, there's a certain amount of attitude that, say, someone like Cobain or Vedder has that they don't have. But it's becoming way not...real anymore or something. Maybe not real to me. It's just turning back into what it was in the '80s. It's like, "Hey, everyone! We're Huey Lewis and the News!" I dunno. Maybe nobody knows what the f?!k I'm talking about anymore. 

BJA: I get so irritated by people. I think I'm more bitter than I've ever been in my whole life, to tell you the honest truth. I think Insomniac is much more of a bitter record than Dookie. And I think the older people get, the more they kinda get angry. I think a lot of people feel like they get cheated by lief somehow--no-one is ever completely satisfied. There's maybe a few. But I mean, I'm in a place where I don't really wanna be. It's like, sometimes I feel like we're losing our passion for playing music. And that's the f?!ked-up thing, when you lose passion for what you love, then it's like, Is this marriage headed for divorce or what? 

RIP: Theoretically, you can fight back a couple of ways. Like Cobain, you could make a record almost calculated to offend all the bandwagon-jumpers. Or take as much time off as you'd like. Who says you can't go live on a desert island for two years? 

BJA: That'd be nice. I'm just not enjoying life right now. I'm really not. I'm so cluttered, I can't even speak. Yeah, I do feel like I'm getting old, and I'm kinda bitter about that. I'm not excited about being onstage anymore, and I was really trying to convince myself that I was. Really. Before we did this last U.S. tour, every time I did an interview--I don't know if you read the last Rolling Stone piece--I was like "Yeah! I'm excited! I wanna play these arenas!" and stuff. And then just every night, it started sucking, it felt like a routine or something. It felt almost choreographed in a lot of ways. And I was yelling "f?!k you!" to people, but I didn't know who I was yelling "f?!k you" to anymore. 

RIP: Last time we spoke, you said you went out of your way to change every single show, make each one different. 

BJA: Well, I think it's just the stress of getting up in front of all those people all the time, every day. It's like, "Do I really feel like downing another f?!cking pot of coffee and a bottle of wine before I walk onstage to do this again? Just to get myself ready to go?" You know, for all those people. And every night I always do something different and stupid. But at the same time, it'd be really cool to just say "F?!k you!" to people and like, walk off. And then they'd get it. It's like, "I'm really telling you to f?!k off this time! Time to pack up and go home." It'd just be so nice to start from scratch again. 

RIP: In many ways you can. That's the music-making system trying to program your behavior. And obviously you've broken quite a few rules already--you don't even have to be talking to me right now, actually.... 

BJA: Oh no. I really wanted to do this interview, just because the last interviews that I've done, I've been miserable, and I was pretending not to be. I really was, I was lying. Not to the reader, not to the person I was doing the interview. But I was lying to myself, convincing myself that I was really happy with how everything is going. 

RIP: So you always knew what you wanted, and now you've got it, in spades. You're having trouble figuring out what's next? 

BJA: I didn't even know what I wanted back then. I really didn't. I didn't know if I wanted to be huge, totally successful. I never knew that. I was struggling so hard even to sign that f?!king contract--when I was sitting there, I was contemplating, "Should I just run outta here right now? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?" A lot of people say, "You're totally disillusioned with what money can do for people," but money never meant shit to me. There's something very passionate to me, very romantic, about living on the street in a lot of ways. Just because I really like my lifestyle back then. I was totally content, in retrospect. A lot of it has to do with the fame. I dunno, I'm trying to talk right now and just totally stuttering. 

RIP: It's not like you chose music--it chose you, and you can't help it. 

BJA: Yeah, it's cool when people really get it. But what a lot of people don't understand is that we're a band that's been around a lot longer than people know. And that's the thing. The difference between this and what happened between Kerplunk and Dookie--in a year, I got married, I had a kid, and I sold 11 million records worldwide. That can do something to ya, ya know? 

BJA: Sometimes I think it'd be cool to just hang out with my friends, drink beer, smoke cigarettes. The more I think about it, the more I'd be really happy with that. I don't think that we're feeling quite like a band anymore--that's one problem we have. There was this certain rock 'n' roll underdog think that we always had--we always drove for something, always drove from town to town in a small van. And you know, I f?!kin' like touring like that--it's like culture shock, really, driving around in a van, setting up my amp when I get there, and playing. That's rock 'n' roll, that's what it started out as. A bunch of sweaty pigs in some tiny f?!kin' bar having a hootenanny, that's what punk rock was to me, that's what drove me to it. I love rock music in its simples, rawest form. And I think we're the only band, really, that plays rock 'n' roll. 

RIP: Has all this put a strain on your old friendships? Do your pals treat you a little differently now? 

BJA: When I come up to friends I haven't talked to in a while, there's a weirdness. And the ones who are really close to me don't really bring up anything, but that thing is still there; it's still in the air. And sometimes I'll just not say anything the whole time we're hanging out. I'll be totally quiet, because the only thing I'll have to talk about is my band, and I get so sick of talking about my band and myself. So I'll just be quiet, since that's the only thing there is to me, except for my son and my wife. 

RIP: Pretty soon, you'll be boring everyone with slide shows--"There we are at Yosemite!" 

BJA: Ha! Adrienne was telling me the other day, "When you were in there dancing with all your friends, while the band was playing, you were so happy because you were so in your element." And I've even gone as far as saying we're not a punk band anymore. But no matter what, that's still gonna stick with me forever, because I love the music, I love the energy of a new band coming out that creates this sense of urgency about 'em. I'll never be able to kick that habit. I love hangin' out with my friends who have small fanzines--kids just writing their guts out about whatever the hell's bothering 'em, and putting it on a Xerox machine and then handing it out for a quarter apiece at shows or at a party. All I wanna do is just try and work it out. I was sitting there the other day, counting all the records that the Replacements put out, stuff like that, Dan thinking how [Paul] Westerberg totally came across to his audience and did everything, everything that the wanted to do in music. He wasn't extremely successful for it, but the guy has influenced people, and a lot of 'em don't even know that they are influenced by him. All I wanna do is just write good songs and stick to it. I wanna develop--not being experimental--but go into different styles, go across my boundaries of the two-and-a-half minute punk song with a three-and-a-half minute jazz song, or maybe get into a little bit of swing or rockabilly. 

RIP: With such staggering success, you could walk into Reprise and tell 'em you're doing an album of saxophone solos and they'd allow you that creative luxury. 

BJA: Well, I never wanna be that experimental. I don't wanna get into synthesizers and shit like that. The thing that was cool for me with Insomniac was that I think we definitely set a foundation for ourselves, because we put out our hardest record to date, totally in-your-face all the way through, and now we're able to go anywhere we want. We can do that now--we do have that going for us. That is, if people are still interested. Which is kinda weird for me to say.... 

RIP: Your craft will always remain the most important thing of all, even if you're just writing for your own amusement. 

BJA: Yeah. No matter what, I'm gonna be writing songs for the rest of my life. I mean, I already have a shitload of new songs right now. But I just wanna do some other things with it. We've sold a million of Insomniac so far. But I definitely want to be respected as a musician. Well, more as a songwriter than as a musician. I wanna be f?!kin' normal, is what I wanna be. The thing is, I've seen so many freaks and so many weirdos and crazy punk rockers and drunks and junkies. But for a lot of those people being weird is easy. It's so easy to be strange--the hard thing is to try to be normal. There's no such thing as normal, ya know. 

RIP: How's your mom feel about all this? 

BJA: She's kinda worried about me. She doesn't know what to think of everything. We have a hard time communicating with each other, just because I don't like to talk about it that much. So she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me all the time. 

RIP: You buy her anything cool once the money started rolling in? 

BJA: Nah--she doesn't want anything. I've asked her. She's been living in the same house for over 20 years, and she's content living there. But I did give her a trip--she went to Hawaii, her and her boyfriend. And I think travelling is really good--if you paid for someone to travel, so they can go and explore and see some things they've never seen before. But I think that's probably where I get it from. I get so content with not having much. And then you get all this stuff, all this attention, and you don't really know what to do with it. You don't know how to channel it. 

RIP: Most outrageous thing you've bought for yourself? 

BJA: I got my car primered! And one thing I did do was build a home studio. So I've been recording all my friends' bands for free. I produced this band called Dead and Gone, and Social Unrest, Fetish and the Criminals. And I have this side-project called Pinhead Gunpowder--nothing's up with it right now, but we played at the beginning of '94 a few times. RIP: Sounds like you've got more than enough pressure valves to let off the steam. Still, do you worry about death? 

BJA: Yeah, I do. But I have too many reasons to stick around. One is my son and my wife. And I don't feel like I'm finished yet. I'm not done, ya know? And the beauty of it is that death is forever and your problems aren't. And that's why I'm talking about my bad shit, because you vent that, you get it off your chest and you can move on to something else. There's gotta be a positive side to all this--so you just sort of try and dig it out. Get rid of all the bad--out with the bad air, in with the good air. 

RIP: You said about Green Day that you think your "bandwagon is coming to a close and all that's gonna be left is just a band. Hopefully." So then will you start writing happy songs? 

BJA: I thought about writing a totally sarcastic song called "I'm So Goddamn Happy," just talking about how happy I am. Actually, I'd like to put out a double record--I'd like to put out tons of music. But I never wanna become an egomaniac. I just wanna keep things down to earth, so I think it's really important for us to take a long break after all this stuff. We just put out two records back to back, one year after another, and now we can sit back and work on ourselves as people again. So we don't parody ourselves. And it's so hard to be a father and a musician at the same time. If I get into one thing and I pay close attention to it, like if I'm with Joey and I start neglecting my music, then I feel like I should play more often. So I start playing my music, and then I'm going, "Am I neglecting Joey?" So it becomes hard to do everything at the same time. 

BJA: I wanna create a very mellow and sound atmosphere for him, because I don't wanna make any mistakes for him--I want him to be able to make his own mistakes. And even when it comes to swearing--I don't cuss in front of my kid. I'd rather him get it from some dirty-mouthed kid at school. Then at least I'd know, I could go "Thank God--my kid is in a real world and he's learning these things from his surroundings." That'd be a good thing. Because the best things you ever learn are the things you learn in kindergarten. 

Finally, after more than an hour worth of gut-spilling, Armstrong suddenly observes four brace-faced girls, each no more than 12 years old, idling over by the cash register. They're there on the pretext of getting change. In reality, they just want to ogle punk icon and pin-up darling Billie Joe, stare at those caterpillar eyebrows and chiselled cheekbones up close. Another oh-my-gawd event. "I gotta go--it's gettin' weird," the reluctant rocker whispers, literally leaping up from the booth. "I can feel eyeballs all over me already...." And as fast as that, he's gone. "Was that...was that...B-B-B-B-Billie Joe?" stammers one swooner. "No," says the waitress, with a subtle smile. "That was just some guy who usually eats here alone, nobody famous at all. You know, just an average guy." A little white lie to herd the young 'uns out. But nevertheless the truth.

[letterboxd]

Watching John Malkovich.

To understand better why Letterboxd members set out on quests to watch specific actors’ entire filmographies, we invited Tim Rod to describe her dangerous and seductive journey through John Malkovich’s screen history.

For many film lovers, 2020 has been a year of catching up: on franchises, on directors’ filmographies, on historical gaps and top 100s. But for some Letterboxd members, the year indoors has been an opportunity to hyper-focus on a single actor and their work.

Jeremiah Lambert is on a Bacon Fest, Naked Airplane has embarked on a wild ride through the works of De Niro, Hackman, Hoffman, Nicholson and Pacino. Joey is preparing for next year’s centennial of The Kid by churning through Charlie Chaplin’s catalog (with David Robinson’s biography Chaplin: His Life and Art in hand). A quick Twitter survey found others churning through a performer selection as wide-ranging as Burt Lancaster, Parker Posey, Maggie Smith, Nicolas Cage, Cary Grant, Kevin Costner, Robin Williams, Adèle Haenel, Alan Arkin, Sam Rockwell and a Seth Rogen thirst project.

It can be a bumpy journey. In one performer’s oeuvre the quality will range widely, the genres too. But the rewards are many in a close study of craft, and there are revelations, whether it’s that Australia’s Miranda Otto deserves more recognition, or it’s “the total acceptance, lack of judgment, and vulnerability with which Alan Arkin has played so many of his flawed and wonderful characters”.

With Christian Bale in ‘Empire of the Sun’ (1987).

In 2020, no fewer than three movies and two television series starring John Malkovich have been released: Arkansas, Valley of the Gods and Ava, as well as The New Pope and Space Force. The legendary actor has kept himself busy, and I know this because I have seen most of his filmography—41 films and two series—in the span of a single month. I adore Malkovich, always have, and I came out of this experience with a deeper admiration for him, and with some thoughts about his unique, remarkable skills as an actor. (And, I had a really good time.)

Allow me to begin by saying that John Malkovich is the best part of every movie he is in. No matter the movie, Malkovich will always steal the spotlight, and he can turn a good movie into a masterpiece, or an average movie that wouldn’t catch anyone’s attention into one worth watching, if only to see him do his thing.

He’s starred in movies that are considered masterpieces by many: Being John Malkovich (1999), The Killing Fields (1984) and Empire of the Sun (1987). Movies that may be considered the opposite of masterpieces, like Supercon (2018), Eragon (2006) and the most recent Ava (2020), and he’s also starred in some gems that I knew nothing about but am glad to have discovered, such as The Convent (1995), Eleni (1985) and The Ogre (1996). Malkovich has brought to life iconic characters including Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Tom Ripley, Hercule Poirot (in BBC’s The ABC Murders), the artist Gustav Klimt, and several of David Lynch’s people, in the short film Psychogenic Fugue (2016).

As Mitch Leary in ‘In the Line of Fire’ (1993).

Malkovich has received two Academy Award nominations, for Places in the Heart (1984), in which he played Edna’s lodger, the solitary yet kind Mr. Will, and for In the Line of Fire (1993), where he played the complete opposite: the psychotic Mitch Leary, determined to kill the President of the United States. Though Malkovich is not a classic action-film actor, his work in that genre is driven by logic, intellect and emotion, and the delicacy that he employs to challenge concepts of masculinity and keep us guessing. His soft and collected voice threatening Clint Eastwood over the phone is scarier and more effective than a deeper one would have been.

That voice. Malkovich has admitted that he hates the sound of it, that he would always avoid listening to it, just like so many actors avoid watching their own films, but I’m bewitched by his voice and I could never get enough of it. It can be tender, sweet and calming, seductive when the role requires it, and terrifying. With that versatility, it’s not surprising that he has done some narrating work as well, for films including Paul Newman’s The Glass Menagerie (1987) and Alive (1993).

Malkovich is at his best when seduction and villainy combine, as they do in Dangerous Liaisons (1988). Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont has been performed by many actors over the years, but I find Malkovich’s take to be the most memorable and exquisite. He captures perfectly the depravity and evilness of Valmont, but also the nuances, his journey from womanizer to man genuinely in love and, ultimately, his tragic redemption. He even brings a comedic aspect to the character that adds more depth and dimension.

With Glenn Close in ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ (1988).

Valmont is an awful human being, a monster even, and yet, every time I watch this movie, I find myself fascinated by his mastery of the deception, his sensuality and complete control of the situation, until the situation is “beyond his control”. In her review of the film, Catherine Stebbins calls John Malkovich “a sexual force of nature”, and I completely agree. If you want to see more of Malkovich’s sensual side, other notable mentions include The Sheltering Sky (1990), The Object of Beauty (1991) and Beyond the Clouds (1995).

And then there’s Being John Malkovich (1999), in which ‘John Horatio Malkovich’ displays so many facets of his craft. The fictionalized Malkovich is possessed by different characters, one of them a woman. Catherine Keener’s character falls in love with a subtly different version of Malkovich, when he is a vessel for Lotte (Cameron Diaz). Even though Lotte doesn’t have full control of Malkovich, he uses his femininity to bring the character-inside-the-character to center stage, delivering a subtle-yet-perfect performance. Even when we don’t see Lotte, we know she’s there.

John Malkovich as John Horatio Malkovich possessed by Lotte, in ‘Being John Malkovich’ (1999).

Not many actors could pull this off as brilliantly as John Malkovich does. To be fair, not many actors have been given the chance that Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman gave Malkovich: a film with his own name in the title.

I’ve discussed some of the most well-known of Malkovich’s performances, but I’d like to mention an overlooked one that I found heartbreaking and noteworthy. I didn’t know of the existence of The Ogre (1996) until I took a closer look at Malkovich’s filmography. It’s not without its flaws, but I found myself absorbed in the fairy-tale story of Abel, a naïve French prisoner of war who is taken to Nazi Germany and used to recruit children for Hitler’s Youth. Once again, the actor’s duality is on display, as Evan writes in his Letterboxd review: “Malkovich is both queasy and endearing as the (ig)noble simp who just wants to save the babies.” The Ogre tells a tragic story, but thanks to Malkovich’s tenderness, we can’t help but have sympathy for his character. At times it reminded me of the innocence of Lennie in Of Mice and Men (1992), another of the actor’s more noteworthy performances.

One of Malkovich’s great contributions to cinema is elevating an average movie just by being in it. One such role is as English conman Alan Conway in the bizarre true story, Colour Me Kubrick (2005). Malkovich admitted in an interview that he thought his performance was good, and I agree. If there’s one reason to watch that film, it’s to see Malkovich playing an eccentric conman who poses as Stanley Kubrick, using different voices and accents. As TajLV writes, “if there were anything to commend this film other than Malkovich, I’d happily rate it higher”.

As Alan Conway in ‘Colour Me Kubrick’ (2005).

One fun fact: I sometimes forget John Malkovich is American. Maybe it’s because he has starred in many European productions—out of the 41 films I watched, 18 were European. Malkovich is of European descent, has lived in France for a decade and speaks fluent French, which allowed him to star as the mysterious Baron de Charlus in Time Regained (1999), with entirely French dialogue. He also delivers lines in French and Portuguese in A Talking Picture (2003) by Manoel de Oliveira.

You’ve probably heard Malkovich use words, expressions and even entire lines of French dialogue on more than one occasion. He does this often, which gives him a certain European vibe, consistent with his own character, mannerisms and dress sense—elements that he sometimes brings to his characters. Maybe that’s the reason he has played so many intellectuals and artists: professors, scientists, detectives, painters, writers, a scientist and a robot, and even the Pope… It seems there’s nothing John Malkovich can’t do, including directing.

To end my marathon, I watched his directorial debut, The Dancer Upstairs (2002), an assured movie adapted from a novel about the Maoist uprising in Peru in the 1980s, starring Javier Bardem. It was a nice surprise, and a strong start to what could have been a career as a film director, if not for the fact that he doesn’t have the patience to do it again. I recently read an interview where Edgar Wright revealed advice he always gives to directors, which is to make their second movie the one that will define them. I wonder if we will ever see John Malkovich’s second film, but for now, I hope he keeps gifting us with more unforgettable performances. At least we know that in the distant future, along with all the movies he has already appeared in, people will enjoy a never-seen-before performance when Robert Rodríguez’s short 100 years is released in 2115.

If there’s one thing I have learnt after watching most of his filmography, it’s that John Malkovich is one of the best and most versatile actors of our time, with the most unique voice I have heard in cinema, and with a rich filmography that encompasses every genre. And he’s not only a brilliant actor, but also someone I find personally fascinating. I truly find comfort in him. I hope we all get to enjoy his art for years to come, because his talent is limitless and I know he still has so much more to give. John Malkovich deserves all the praise for being a force of nature in the theater and film industry for over 40 years.

Tim is a Letterboxd member based in Spain, who has recently moved on from her John Malkovich marathon to a Sacha Baron Cohen quest.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

JULY PICKS!

You heard me correctly, I said JULY! Whoosh, this year is going by fast-but not in a good way if you know what I mean. This will be my last monthly wrap up where I am strictly staying home in quarantine as this upcoming week I’m heading back to work in person. Wish me luck!

We had quite the range this month from newly released, reality, musical and then some favorites from last month that I’ve continued watching. Without further ado here we go....

There’s going to be PLENTY of SPOILERS this go round. ESPECIALLY with my first pick of Stargirl. You’ve been warned!!!

DC’S STARGIRL

I need to talk about 1x10 or I’m going to burst!!! As stated above there will be A LOT of SPOILERS IN THIS POST!! So scroll down to the next picture if you don’t want it to be spoiled. 

You’ve been warned...again.

IT CANNOT END LIKE THAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Henry! Wow! 1) Epic fighting 2) The backstory and how he wasn’t going to give up on his dad AND THEN how he wouldn’t give into his dad. 3) HE DIED RATHER THAN JOIN HIS SIDE OR PRETEND (which I honestly felt was going to happen). His character arc and I can’t believe it’s over!!! 4) His speech at the end: *weeping.* I knew Brainwave was going to say he killed his mother. It just felt like the build up. Brainwave Jr. would have been a GREAT ADDITION TO THE JSA! AND OMG THE WAY THE REST OF THEM FOUGHT FOR HIM! I loved how they framed it so you could still see them in the back when Henry spoke to his father. Super heartbreaking. Man, it feels like a lot of people have been killed off this first season (or am I just still thinking about Joey?) 

Side note: Check out the Instagram Live between father and son Brainwave on Stargirl’s CW page. Jake Austin Walker did an AWESOME interview in his take over.

This was one of the strongest episodes overall and definitely one of my favorites so far. I agree with many others that while it is SOO GOOD and I want to rewatch it again, I don’t know if I can emotionally yet. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way about a show. 

Some other thoughts this episode: WAY TO GO BARBARA! Way to record them to translate later (such an awesome app btw, how do I get it?). I’m glad her and Pat came more to an understanding because I love them especially with that glimpse into how they met. Jordan’s parents give me the creeps, like the couple from The Visit vibes. I feel like Mike’s got to find out ASAP, especially because he’s spent time in the garage. Something’s got to show him the truth; because I’m really feeling he figures it out rather than being told. Very curious to see what his reaction will be. SOLOMON GRUNDY. Thank God Beth talked Rick down. She really is like Chuck in being the voice of reason. She did really well in the cafeteria too. While I still don’t believe Starman is Courtney’s dad, how cute was it when she put together her and Henry were cousins? Speaking of Court’s dad, who else didn’t feel like Starman was her dad until they saw that upcoming promo? I don’t know who that impostor is but he is not her dad. Something’s fishy.

Loving this show. So happy it’s renewed for a second season!! 

THE 100

From a show I can’t get enough of to one whose final season is a disappointment. I’m not going to spend too much time talking about The 100 because I feel I’ll just be repeating myself from previous posts. However, I did want to include it because I haven’t spoken much about the previous 2 episodes that I wound up watching back to back and I didn’t overly dislike them. 

As many have complained, when you have a final season you shouldn’t introduce SO MANY new characters and just push aside your originals (or the ones who are left). You also shouldn’t include so many confusing plots that are making it look like were the main points overall (like this many world concept was around since the first grounders) and playing with time in so many episodes is hard to keep up with too. Having so many people separated makes it difficult to remember what just happened to this specific group because I haven’t seen them in forever. ANYWAY, I did promise some positives. I didn’t except to like 7x08 because of it being a flashback episode with brand new people that was just going to feel like a potential spin-off pilot. Well...I actually really enjoyed it and the concept that the bunker was used before One Crew. The characters were easy to like and it was cool seeing Allie again (and this time not as the villain). While it felt forced including the orb (is that what it’s called? If not that’s what I’m calling it), but I liked how all the other pieces fit together (ex: the flame, the grounders’ language). Honestly, I surprise myself to say this, but I’d watch another episode. For 7x09, I liked being on Bardo and watching Octavia, Echo, Diyoza and Hope slowly get “brainwashed” I mean trained. We all knew it wouldn’t work for Hope and if I was them I would rather be on Sky Ring than Bardo (but then I guess I’d go crazy, so...) I enjoy the Octavia and Levitt relationship and would love them to work out, but if this show taught you anything it’s to be skeptical. I also want to shift to the Primes plot, just to showcase John Murphy for a second. THAT MAN! What a character development he’s had on this show. From the first season where I was like come on Murphy to now me awaiting his scenes. From cockroach to someone who won’t view himself as a hero. So good and something that is fantastic about this final season. They might have forgotten about other characters, but they’re doing it right by Murphy. 

Well, that was more than I was expecting. ;)   

THE CIRCLE

It feels like I haven’t watched a lot of reality TV this year, which makes sense because of our quarantine situation (but then again I’m watching World of Dance, but that’s a different because it’s more of a competition/dance show. I’ll stop rambling). The Circle is a reality ‘game’ show that could be easily completed during quarantine and social distancing because the contestants do not see each other in person. They each have an apartment in this complex and only communicate with each other on a social media platform called the Circle. The objective is to become the most popular and an influencer who gets power over who stays and who goes in the competition. There’s some side contests throughout, but most of the show is just people chatting through an insta messenger and trying to learn as much as they can. Alliances are formed and cat fishes try to thrive all for the grand prize of $100,000. (Wow, that’s a lot!) It is SUPER addicting and very funny. Having a voice-over narrator really makes it even funnier because she says what we’re all thinking. Just about every episode a contestant leaves and then is able to meet one other person in their apartment. It’s been cool seeing their reactions as oftentimes it’s someone they did not expect AT ALL. I can’t wait to finish it. If you’re a fan of Big Brother than this is definitely for you. Looks like there will be a second season, which I am excited about.  

THE BABYSITTERS CLUB

Jumping from one Netflix show to another. Released on Netflix on July 3rd, I tried not to binge it all in one day because then it would be over (and we still don’t know if there will be a second season yet). This is definitely my feel good watch for July. If you want something that’s a quick watch and just wholesome and fun to escape our current world than this is for you. I always felt so happy after watching and couldn’t wait to watch another. While I was familiar with the franchise--the 90s movie and of course the books (although I was more of a Babysitter Little Sister fan, so I was very excited to see Karen), you don’t have to have any knowledge of the Babysitters Club to enjoy this show. I was hooked just about right away by this new series shown by me watching the first three episodes back to back. I really like how they set up each episode with one girl as the main focus (just like in the books) where she takes over the voice-over narration. Great representation and made modern to fit in with our current times. The first example that comes to mind is when Mary Ann babysits Bailey who is transgender. I liked how Bailey says those are her old clothes while they’re playing. It’s shown in a way that explains the situation without feeling like a lecture. It fits so naturally into the episode. And then Mary Ann’s speech at the hospital is super powerful for both Bailey and herself. This is just one example of how well represented this show is. Extremely strong cast and actresses who are the proper ages. I also love the adult casting and how they threw in a Clueless reference from Alicia Sliverstone (who plays Kristy’s Mom). As someone who is writing for this age group, I really liked hearing and seeing how authentic this show is. 

FEEL THE BEAT

A Netflix original movie that has been on my list for a while that I just got around to watching. It didn’t come out too long ago. In the film, Sofia Carson’s character is a dancer who is a perfectionist. She gets on the bad side of a big NYC producer when she not only leaves her in the rain as she steals her taxi, but also knocks her, accidentally, off stage and becomes a viral video-this basically blackmails her in Broadway. This all happens within about the first 10 minutes of the film and the majority takes place back in her small home town (very Hallmark-like) in Wisconsin. While there her old dancing teacher wants her to share her Broadway wisdom with her young students. Meanwhile Carson has only been a chorus girl, so she doesn’t really have any. What draws her to helping the young girls is the chance to perform in front of a big choreographer that could get her to be the star she always dreamed of. The catch is that it’s the teacher dance in the childrens dance competition. While this might sound like a movie you’ve watched many times before, it was still worth it and a really fun watch. I think the kids really make the movie. They are adorable, funny and super talented. You feel connected with them really fast and want to see them succeed. I loved Dickie and how he joined the group. I think he was my favorite overall. I loved how inclusive the cast was here too (just like BSC) from a mixed race family, to single parents and even a student who was Deaf. It was great seeing the other actors sign to her. Carson’s character, April, can be annoying at times, but you understand it’s her character and something she needs to overcome. As I said before the plot may seem familiar, but the ending was something I didn’t see coming. Overall, wholesome, feel good and fun for the whole family. You can consider to watch while babysitting. (See what I did there??)  

VIOLETTA SEASON 2

She’s back! I know last month when I included Violetta it was mainly me being excited to see the second season FINALLY streaming on Disney Plus. I had watched a few episodes (remember there’s 80 altogether, so even if I watched 20 that’s still very early on and just a dent in the season) and was still getting used to this season. Well, now I’m happy to report I am in the 40s and more than half way. For a bit I was watching many of these episodes a day, which told me that I was loving it again. Recently, I feel I need a little more of a push to watch, but it’s mainly because of certain story-lines that feel like they’re dragging. (For example: Violetta’s voice. One minute it’s fine and the next she’s like dying). For this section I have two words: LOVE TRIANGLES. And I’m not just talking about Violetta, Diego and Leon. For a bit it felt like each character had their own love triangle, which honestly I was loving. These characters have definitely developed a lot from last season, which allows this to happen. Olga was in a love triangle, which just recently got resolved. I think German is still in one because of his alter ego Jeremias. Jackie was “kind of” in one. For her it was more of a misunderstanding, which is very classic on this show. Lots more secrets have been uncovered in these episodes as well as songs! You know how excited I am for those. Overall, I think I’m still enjoying season 1 songs more (which get referenced enough in this season), but some of the season 2 ones are really growing on me. Specifically Leon’s Entre dos mundos and when he sings with Diego Euphoria in English. Also, Yo Soy Asi has been real catchy. I know Frederico will be coming back soon and I can’t wait to see him again!  

HAMILTON

Like many I watched Hamilton this month-actually on the day it came out. It’s been a musical that I’ve been intrigued by, but never thought I’d get a chance to watch because of how popular and expensive it is to see on Broadway. So, I was very excited to hear I’d get the chance when it was to be released in theaters for a special event. Then because of Corona it was released to Disney Plus, which was EVEN more convenient and exciting. I really enjoyed it and watched it twice within the same week. I immediately downloaded the playlist and started singing it around the house. I do this a lot with many of the plays I see, but depending how good they are is shown by how long I listen to the soundtrack. (Some of my top ones are Bandstand, Once, Newsies and Anastasia.) Because there are so many songs in Hamilton it is taking me a little longer to know all the words, but I feel pretty confident with the first act. It was the perfect timing for this to be released on Disney Plus. Not only because it was July 3rd, but also because of the world we are living in. Lin’s diverse cast brings to life the world of 1776 and the revolutionary war (as well as the time after it), but it’s such a strong commentary on our world today. This is something I am continually noticing with historical dramas/pieces being released within the last 5-10 years. It feels like there’s more we can say in this genre than in a commentary piece. I also like all the analysis videos I’ve seen popping up, which just make it even more powerful. (Like it being Eliza’s story and her putting herself back in the narrative. That the play Hamilton is named for both her and Alexander.) I don’t know if all of what I see were intentional, but  either way well done. I hope it doesn’t leave Disney Plus soon. 

1917

And lastly, 1917. I promised quite the range this month and you can see that’s definitely the case. I always enjoy watching war films and with 1917 there was so much hype (both before it came out and after) that I was interested to give it a watch. Giving the movie to my dad for father’s day felt like the perfect excuse to be able to watch it. Even though our DVD stuck in a few places (still don’t know if it was the player or the DVD itself), the film was very entertaining and I would suggest it to anyone who is a history/film buff. Taking place in WWI, we follow two British soldiers as they attempt to deliver a message about an upcoming ambush that could take countless lives. I feel that I often watch more films revolving around WWII, so it was very interesting to be immersed in the first great war. After watching I am not surprised that the film was up for so many Oscars. While cinematography is the first thing everyone discusses when it comes to this movie (and it should be because the one shot/long shot is sooo impressive and beautiful to watch. It really brings you into the scene and has a way of making you feel like you’re there too. There’s a realness to it that’s raw and new compared to other war films I’ve watched in the past), there’s so much more to this film too. First, I like how it connects back to Sam Mendes’ grandfather, so while it’s not a true story it has real facts in it. I LOVE the score and music to this film. In the scene where George Mackay runs at night through those ruined buildings I could really hear how well the music worked with the action. Because of this I made sure to listen to some of the soundtrack and now I’ve added some of the songs into my writing playlist. I have chills just thinking about it. The other point I want to bring up is the cast! While there are SO MANY big names in this film from Colin Firth to Benedict Cumberbatch, the two main characters are played by George Mackay and Dean Charles Chapman and they are the ones with the most screen time. If their chemistry and acting wasn’t so great then the movie wouldn’t be as successful as it is. Because of this I have been watching non-stop YouTube interviews of the two of them for this film. 

They are so well-spoken, stand-up guys and I can’t get enough of their dialogues with each other and others. (You should watch these interviews too). While familiar with Chapman’s time on Game of Thrones, I haven’t seen him in much else, so I’m excited to see what he’ll have in the future (as well as checking out his IMDB page). For Mckay, I’ve seen him before when I just watched Ophelia earlier this summer so that was my first time watching him act. After that film I was curious what else he was in, but it was only after 1917 that I started doing more research. So far, I’ve only been able to watch the short film he was in called Infinite. While only 17 minutes it was very strong and deep. I highly recommend. As I’ve shared on this page already, in another post, the more I hear him talk the more of a crush I am developing. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced a celebrity crush this strong so soon. This quarantine has to end so I can make it to England to just casually bump into him like one does. :) 

[tabloidtoc]

OK, June 1

Cover: Jennifer Aniston Finally Talks -- her fresh start at 51 

Page 1: Big Pic -- Shia LaBeouf took a spin around his Pasadena neighborhood with his adorable pooch in tow 

Page 2: Contents 

Page 3: Contents 

Page 4: Royal Shake-Up -- a shocking report leads to whispers that Queen Elizabeth may soon be stepping away from her duties for good -- thankfully the Queen has Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton to lean on and they call her every day and are always offering to step in and take any stressful duties off her hands and the queen doesn’t know what she’d do without them 

Page 6: From the outside Reese Witherspoon seems to have a picture-perfect life but the multifaceted star admits her days are a balancing act and anything but easy 

Page 7: It seems as if Kristin Cavallari has been on a smear campaign against estranged husband Jay Cutler as their messy divorce plays out -- she’s consumed by rage and resentment toward him mainly out of fear that he’ll come across as looking like the good guy while she’s painted as power- and money-hungry, after years of estrangement the coronavirus pandemic has pushed Bella Cruise to reach out to mom Nicole Kidman -- Nicole knows Bella will never leave Scientology and she’d never ask her to and they’ve been making up for lost time and speak most days and Bella’s agreed to travel to Tennessee and stay at Nicole’s sprawling country estate once it’s safe to travel, Scott Disick is turning to Kris Jenner as he figures out his next move after he fled rehab after the news leaked -- Scott feels more vulnerable than ever and he’s at a crucial stage in his life and he respects Kris enormously not only as a business partner but as a makeshift therapist and mother figure 

Page 8: Jamie Lynn Spears is begging older sis Britney Spears to move back to Louisiana and Jamie Lynn would love for her daughters to spend more time with their aunt and wants them together as one big happy family in Kentwood where it all began, Chris Pratt and pregnant Katherine Schwarzenegger are feeling a bit overwhelmed by her parents as they await their baby’s arrival -- Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger are excited at their first grandchild but they’ve become very pushy -- Maria’s insisting on planning a huge baby shower and decorating the nursery and Arnold is trying to install a new sound system so they can play lullabies in every corner of the house and it’s enough to make Chris and Katherine wince, Tom Cruise is making it his mission to reclaim his title as the King of Hollywood -- he’s bided his time for years now because he wanted to take the pressure of himself until he found just the right moment to go for it and now he’s ready to catapult himself onto the scene with Mission: Impossible 7 and 8 and the sequel to Top Gun and he’s working with NASA and Elon Musk’s SpaceX to shoot the first ever movie in outer space 

Page 10: Red Hot on the Red Carpet -- peach gowns -- Zoe Kravitz, Karolina Kurkova, Adrienne Houghton 

Page 11: Betty Gilpin, Lizzy Caplan, Joey King 

Page 12: Who Wore It Better? Becca Tilley vs. Brooke Burke (it’s a tie), Cheryl Burke vs. Jennifer Lahmers

Page 14: News in Photos -- Hailey Bieber in the sauna 

Page 15: Michael C. Hall in glitter face paint, Kate Upton works out with daughter Genevieve, Olivia Munn with two pups, Christie Brinkley in the fickle weather in the Hamptons 

Page 16: Hilary Duff on Mother’s Day, Anna Kendrick all dressed up for a virtual press conference, Kevin Hart and wife Eniko revealed they are having a daughter in a pic with kids Kenzo and Heaven and Hendrix, Naomi Watts on TikTok with Liev Schreiber and their kids Sasha and Kai 

Page 17: Mindy Kaling doing laundry, Cardi B shows off her Mother’s Day gifts from husband Offset 

Page 18: Reese Witherspoon with son Tennessee climbing a tree, Nicole Kidman studying Italian while stuck at home, Gabrielle Union and daughter Kaavia 

Page 19: Jason Momoa encouraged fans to support local small businesses as he picked up dinner from the Old Place in Cornell, Paris Jackson inked a tattoo on her own pinky toe, Suki Waterhouse showed off her perfectly coiffed locks 

Page 20: Tobey Maguire and girlfriend Tatiana Dieteman take a stroll, Ariel Winter was spotted with a cast on her thumb after slicing the tip off in a cooking accident, Emilia Clarke and dog Ted

Page 21: Ryan Phillippe on a run, Katy Perry and her dog Nugget dress up as Dumbo

Page 22: Brody Jenner on a bike ride, Tallulah Willis and mom Demi Moore on Mother’s Day, Julianne Hough as Mary Poppins 

Page 23: Taylor Swift drinking white wine while isolating at home, Ali Larter on a run 

Page 24: Inside My Home -- the Hadid’s flourishing farm -- where Yolanda Hadid is isolating with kids Bella Hadid, pregnant Gigi Hadid and Anwar Hadid in Hope, Pennsylvania 

Page 26: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West marriage in crisis -- after months in quarantine Kim and Kanye are on the verge of a lockdown throwdown because when it comes to their four kids North and Saint and Chicago and Psalm most of the parenting and homeschooling has fallen on Kim’s shoulders while Kanye has been spending a ton of time at his office rather than at home 

Page 27: Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied are planning to renew their vows this winter when December will mark a decade since their engagement, when Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson called it quits after two years of dating it seemed drama-free but now members of their social circle are being dragged into the pair’s personal problems -- now that they’re not together they’re drawing clear boundaries and demanding their friends like Kaia Gerber and Margaret Qualley take sides using the line it’s her or me, Courteney Cox has been quarantining in L.A. while boyfriend Johnny McDaid has been in England and once they’re able to reunite Courteney is adamant that they tie the knot right away because this has been a lesson learned and she’s kicking herself for not marrying Johnny sooner

Page 28: Joshua Jackson and wife Jodie Turner-Smith are walking on air as they settle into their new roles as parents to a baby girl, just eight months into their romance Jonathan Scott believes he’s found the one in Zooey Deschanel but his friends are urging him to pump the brakes because Zooey is twice-divorced and basically walked out of her second marriage and right into Jonathan’s life plus she also has two children so Jonathan would be taking on an awful lot so soon, Love Bites -- Ben Platt and Noah Galvin new couple, America Ferrera and Ryan Piers Williams welcomed a daughter, Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy split 

Page 29: On Justin and Hailey Bieber’s Facebook Watch show he stated that he and wife Hailey are in the best place they’ve ever been but he’s the first to admit that becoming a husband forced him to take a hard look at himself, Ben Affleck is sparing no expense when it comes to showering girlfriend Ana de Armas with affection

Page 30: Cover Story -- Jennifer Aniston comes clean -- from the state of her dating life to the truth about her famous exes Jen plans to answer everything in a new tell-all interview 

Page 33: How Jennifer Aniston is helping Matthew Perry get through his recent troubles 

Page 34: Baby Bump Brigade -- Ashlee Simpson, Katy Perry 

Page 35: Gigi Hadid, Katherine Schwarzenegger, Lea Michele 

Page 36: How Julia Roberts saved her marriage -- inside her decision to step away from the spotlight and fix her relationship with Danny Moder 

Page 38: Beverly Hills 90210 secrets and scandals 

Page 40: Candace Cameron Bure Family Matters -- the actress gets candid about her kids, her marriage and her decades long career 

Page 46: Style Week -- Bebe Rexha latest collaboration with the popular drugstore nail polish line Sinful Colors 

Page 48: Style -- beaded bags -- Bailee Madison 

Page 50: Espadrilles -- Selena Gomez 

Page 54: Entertainment 

Page 58: Stars are getting creative with their hair while stuck at home -- Julianne Hough, Pink, Kristen Stewart 

Page 59: Blake Shelton, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Tallulah Willis, Lauren Burnham and Arie Luyendyk, Armie Hammer, Dua Lipa 

Page 60: Sound Bites -- Miley Cyrus on interviewing Elizabeth Warren, Ashton Kutcher on Mila Kunis, Laura Dern on trying new things, Anna Kendrick on switching up her exercise routine, John Mellencamp texting daughter Teddi Mellencamp while watching her on RHOBH 

Page 61: Hollywood Heat Meter -- Hilary Duff is set to reprise her Younger character in a spinoff, Lily Allen and David Harbour engaged, Alison Roman apologized to Chrissy Teigen, Hannah Brown should have listened to her gut about Jed Wyatt, Vera Wang shows off her killer abs, the bombshells Vanderpump Rules editor Bri Dellinger just unleashed about the reality show 

Page 62: Horoscope -- Gemini Lenny Kravitz 

Page 64: By the Numbers -- Trevor Noah 

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

Wilt Dynasty

As a heads up to anyone reading this. This is a bio for a Bendy OC. A human character I’ve thought about for my Bendy sequel AU. So if you think his name seems similar to the likes of Walt Disney. That’s the point considering while yes Joey Drew you can definitely tell was inspired by both Walt Disney and Max Fleischer. Wilt is basically the parody version of Walt in the world of Bendy. 

Even though I’m concerned of how people would react to this. I don’t know if I should call him a parody. Yet I did wanted to make him different in a way from Walt. But the point was to make a rival to Joey Drew even though we have a Nathan Arch in the lore. Who is in charge of Archgate Films. Which I think I should keep in mind because I was thinking of making another fake company by the name of Walter Bros. The Bendy version of Warner Bros.

Again I am concerned that I guess I’m ripping off stuff. I didn’t wanna just name sake actual animation studios. Also Disney would sue your ass if you mention their name. But I’m rambling just this was a character I’ve mentioned a couple of times. I should start writing about him. 

I also was studying a bit more on Walt Disney himself so I can well be inspired. Including this documentary by American Experience. Despite I’ve read in comments some of it is not true. Such as leaving out Ub Iwerks and his idea of syncing. Whatever else it those videos I was looking at the most. To give me an idea to base Wilt off. Basically to make an anti thesis to Joey.

Including the voice to choose for this guy was hard. Yet I had just found him. Along with thinking about his name. I was trying to make it unique and I’m trying to remember correctly. But Wilt I think stuck with me and it’s kind of a reference to Wilt from Fosters Home For Imaginary Friends considering one part in his bio.

Wilt Dynasty.

Born: 1909.

Died: 1966.

Occupation: Founder of the Wilt Dynasty Company and Wilt Dynasty Studios. Along with other roles.

Voiced By: Mark Fischbach.

Fate: You’ll find out as you read this…it’s not pretty.

Story: Wilt Dynasty was a young man who became one of the pioneers of the American Animation Industry. An American entrepreneur, animator, writer, voice actor, and other things.

His studio was one of the few that was responsible for molding modern entertainment. Along with other companies such as Walter Bros, and Archgate Films. Including one studio named Joey Drew Studios.

With a persona in the public eye as a warm and outgoing man. But mainly during his private life, the man was someone who would apologize a lot when it wasn’t needed. Or even being a man who didn’t think highly of himself. He seemed honestly insecure of himself and kind of shy.

While sometimes at work he was a serious man. Because having to be a driving force for his company needed to be there. But he was someone who was rather honest and a genuine kind man. Being a compassionate and pushing all of his employees to do their best. Including a family man as well.

Including in 1941 during a strike. He realized he was at fault for not raising the pay for his employees. He publicly apologized to them and the riot only lasted for a week. His employees understood and forgave him.

During the course when he was alive. Wilt introduced a character by the name of Johnny Mouse. Who became a hit and Wilt would voice the character himself. Over the years Wilt would make other characters and the studio would make multiple cartoons and films that made history. 

But when he was alive. He was in competition with other companies with the others. Such as Archgate Films, Walter Bros, and others. But there was one studio that Wilt had mention a lot. It was Joey Drew Studios. Including there was one time in early 1946, he was invited to the studio by Joey Drew himself. Which Mr. Drew wanted to discuss the ideas of maybe working together on projects. As he saw Wilt Dynasty’s company becoming a giant in entertainment. 

It was the first time they met and it was Joey giving a tour of the studio. They discussed certain things and Wilt had only heard stories about Joey. But after those discussions and visiting the studio…..Wilt never went back. 

During the scandal of workers revealing their horrible work conditions at Joey Drew Studios. At one point during a public interview, he decided to tell the talk show host about his time at the studio visiting them. He was actually brutally honest and said he felt very uncomfortable there. Despite meeting some wonderful and talented people there. He said when he was at Joey’s studio, he said it was like looking at a Hellish version of his own studio. 

This angered Joey after he had denied what the workers were saying. With Joey saying Wilt had betrayed him and he just feels empathy for the workers and is just spreading lies to ruin him.

Including during this interview Wilt had admitted he loved watching the Bendy cartoons. Yet finding out how the studio was and what the workers were going through. He also admitted if there was the chance he would buy the rights to the cartoons and some how wanting to save those employees and give them better working conditions. Other than that, Joey never looked at Wilt the same again.

In fact there was the possibility that people have said that after Henry left Joey Drew Studios. Wilt had hired Henry and basically gave Henry what Joey never did. A better work environment, and a boss that gives back more. Whether this was true or not. Joey was angered to hear the possibility of this. Even if Henry was possibly drafted during World War 2 during the 1940′s. 

After Joey Drew Studios shutdown in 1959. Including in 1963 when Henry went missing and Joey Drew had died. The Wilt Dynasty company was the leading animation company at the time. But in 1966….something happened. Including during another public interview Wilt had talked about the studio and talked badly about Joey Drew.

During that year, something was happening with Wilt. Despite it seemed like he was acting pretty okay. But he said he was having nightmares. Including that it felt like someone was watching him. 

But it was during a public interview that changed everything. With cameras recording everything. Including with the same talk host he talked to in 1946 and earlier that year. He confessed that he was having nightmares about what appeared to be Joey Drew. But…..looking different. Almost ghostly and demonic. Including in his own home, hearing voices, and other things. Wilt had admitted that for some reason some how, Joey Drew was haunting him beyond the grave. 

The host think Wilt might be playing some sort of morbid joke. But it wasn’t in character of him. Even Wilt didn’t know how to explain. But he said he couldn’t control himself anymore. That Joey literally is driving him to suicide…..which he reveals that was his plan. What he said Joey was making him do. That Wilt couldn’t control himself anymore. As if Joey was using him like a puppet. With the audience confused and the host deciding to call security. Wilt started tearing up before saying I’m so sorry. 

All of a sudden. Wilt Dynasty had shot himself below the chin. Killing himself in front of audiences that were terrified of what they had just seen.

The footage was rarely shown. Only once in the year when it happened on the news. Including later in the 90′s. Including some how leaking to YouTube many years later despite how brutal it was. But despite after his brutal suicide, his company still kept going. 

In today’s modern age. The Wilt Dynasty Company while mainly a family oriented brand changed after that. Just like how Wilt was, they wanted to be an honest company. To keep going and move on without Wilt. In ways that would honor him. But also not to dishonor him. 

Ever since his suicide. Many have wondered did Wilt suffer from depression of any kind. While he may have not thought of himself highly. It wasn’t to the point he would kill himself. Including for a man his age. But the fact he was saying Joey Drew was haunting him. People thought he was crazy, but there was something alarming about that. Did something happen during his visit at the old studio? Did the death of Joey some how affected him? 

After this, some people have assumed there was a death curse by Joey Drew Studios. That whoever went there and saw what they saw would probably die. As if Joey Drew would kill them. It never made sense and nobody really knows why Wilt committed suicide. Including in front of a public audience for all to see. 

[migleefulmoments]

CrissColfer Strategy #2

This piece was posted on 2/19/20 but it is originally from 2018 prior to LM/DC. It’s always amusing to read their theories about big upcoming changes in Darren’s love life in light of the fact that Mia has been a steady force in Darren’s life for 10 years.

Here they are debating whether Lea will be Darren’s new beard- a theory that required them to ignore both Mia and Zandy. In this post we see justcantgetenoughcc using the “trust me I know more than you do but I can’t share it” strategy. Honestly, this is the one that baffles me the most. While I can see the slow-motion gifs for what they are- pure manipulation, I know that TLOS isn’t the Klaine bible they want it to be and I can understand how other’s can be conned with that evidence. What I can’t understand is why anyone would trust someone who continues to say “I know more than you do but I can’t share it with you...just trust me”.  Those very words are literally the exact words that should raise one’s caution flag. Mommas, the one thing you should teach your children is to never trust someone who claims to know the truth but can’t share any evidence. Especially if that story goes on for 5 or 10 years.

***********************************

ilikesomedistance There was a discussion many years ago, that they (PR and F/ox) wanted to bring Lea and Darren together. But it never worked out for many reasons.

Guess it’s happening now.

stopandimaginelove  But whyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🤐

justcantgetenoughcc Interesting question.

The primary reason was always to break Chris and Darren up.

RM/Ricky all playing together. AB imo not that invested but to a degree (at least initially). Even beard (she realized what she can have by getting rid of Chris and why she too is very much part of the game now). Each had their own reason for being invested, as Chris and Darren in love and united as a team, made it difficult to manipulate Darren. In a way, that - Darren and Chris in love - was also their Achilles heel. Each put the other ones’ interest first - and got manipulated in giving up their autonomy. Chris had nothing to hide as he was already out. Why would he even need a beard? They were so young and so naïve to Hollywood’s manipulation tactics. I don’t think they had anyone with industry experience, with their interests at heart, to advise them or look out for them. It was too late and they were in too deep, by the time they realized what they had agreed to. They still tried to back out of some of their worst mistakes. Some day… they will tell those stories or it will turn up in Chris’s books.

Initially people assumed that all that proximity and playing boyfriends onscreen - and no doubt their amazing chemistry - must be why they were together. I am sure they thought it will never last or they will get over it or get tired of it and move on to others once the itch was scratched. Like most young guys (as young gay guys - not my opinion at all - but a lot of people believe that).

But it didn’t happen that way. They didn’t break up. Instead they went and got engaged over Dec 2012/NYE 2013 (that was from when we have the pic of Chris looking at his ring standing next to his suitcase at an airport). They were serious from the get-go. They were ‘IT’ for each other.  They were even living together (even before Glee Live 2011 - in Chris’s first rented apartment in LA). I think it was Joey who once commented that he saw Darren only when he needed more clothes (Don’t quote me on it though. Ha). When Chris bought his first home in Laurel Canyon, guess who moved in there with him? It wasn’t W as most of the fandom was led to believe. There’s enough proof in their own words and since this is going to be a long post, I am going to leave some of those details out of this. And some I can’t reveal.

Why do you think LU Tour happened? It was another attempt to break them up and also to get Darren to declare his longtime gf of a hundred years. There was no way Darren would agree to it when Chris and Darren are together. And so his team came up with the clever “DIVIDE and CONQUER” tactic. Get Darren away from Chris and break him down.

Nothing ELSE came out of LU tour and so I am right in my assumption here.

A Darren who missed Chris on the road, who was mentally and physically exhausted from his days on the tour… gave in… WITH TEARS… a heartbroken Darren was FORCED to declare a gf - reading from a script, answering questions from a script, at the Toronto Radio Interview - WHILE he was already ENGAGED to CHRIS.  There are many ways I can cement the claims I am making. But they are NOT mine to share.

If you doubt me, that the intent ALWAYS was to break them up (come on guys! connect the dots!), so much has been exposed in the last two years, especially in the last six months.

Why were they forced to have beards? It wasn’t FOX (in fact there's a story not known to many that FOX was going to let Chris and Darren come out (heck they even knew of their engagement - again stories that I cannot reveal) but others disagreed/disapproved of that move and stopped it). Some of the old fandom crowd know of this. Why were their beards ALONE always allowed access to the glee set? Why were M and W paraded so much on the sets? Why was the beard woman given a job at FSO (where she did nothing really but was given free credit for work others did). Chris was already OUT. He was a grown up guy who always took care of himself even when he was much younger.

During 5.14 filming in NYC, it was clear that the film crew took care of Chris and Darren. All their needs on the set was met along with the rest of the cast present (Amber, Chord, Kevin, Lea and Darren). Even holding up their winter coats for them to slip their arms through. W didn’t do anything other than obstruct the filming (and there were a lot of complaints about W and he had to be told many times to move out of the crews way). Do you think Chris paid for W to accompany him to NYC where he wasn’t needed at all? Who had the most to gain from that decision to have W there?

The beards were ALWAYS meant to WEAR THE GUYS DOWN. To create discord between them. To grate on their nerves. To be a thorn in their side. You get the drift.  It still didn’t work. Those two guys still stayed strong.  

Yes, there was an attempt to END KLAINE early in S6 and use Darren/Blaine as Lea/Rachel’s LI and have them be the prime couple who got married to each other (instead of a Finchel wedding that RM always talked about) at the SERIES Finale. That didn’t work either. That story is known to many in the fandom. But is not mine to tell.

Look at all the attempts made to prevent Darren and Chris coming out. Since 2015.

I have repeated this so many times since 2015 and am going to repeat it ONE LAST TIME for the people who have joined the fandom since 2015.

Glee was filming the last season. Beards were barely on the set even with all the heavy make-out scenes (heavier Kliss scenes, emotional scenes, the elevator scene, the wedding, future Klaine etc). Guess everyone felt bearding was ending too as Glee only had a few more months left. We got the NOW FAMOUS BTS interview from the ranch - the day the Klaine wedding was being filmed - where Chris and Darren were interviewed by Leanne Aguilera (and not M). Where they admitted so much and looked radiant and vibrant. Best of all they admitted to being good friends in real life.

Then we got the Ellen Show where Darren and Chris interacted and wrote each others names (not to mention the incident where Chord slipped up and mentioned meeting Chris and Darren. Nothing dramatic happened by way of reaction or retaliation from PR).  Then came the Paleyfest and the Mario Lopez radio Interview - where Chris was present with Darren and Mario in the recording room. We counted Chris’s laughter interspersed  - at least five times. It wasn’t edited out. We rioted over all of those events repeatedly. It was like the CC drought was finally over. They were allowed to breathe free. And acknowledge each other. Say they were good friends with each other.

[We have proof on several claims I make here and are known to a lot of people but we can’t share them yet].

We knew they went on a European vacation that ended in Paris where Darren had to attend the CON with a few other Glee cast. Darren alone didn’t stay at the hotel where the CON was held, where the rest of the cast stayed. Ask yourself why. Darren returns to NYC and starts rehearsing for Hedwig Broadway that starts mid-April. Everyone was happy and there were several SM follows of both Darren and Chris back to back by Hedwig Crew and BTS crowd. Lot of happy tweets and fun stuff.

It felt like Darren had a few more months left to freedom. Chris plans his TLOS4 book tour around Darren’s closing show at Belasco - so that he can sit in the audience and not watch from the shadows as he did during the first 119 days of the run. Alla Plotkin, Chris’s publicist, allowed it and supported it (if there were any known contracts or clauses that prohibited Chris’s presence at the closing show, Alla wouldn’t have /couldn’t have allowed it) and planned the whole tour accordingly with Chris.  

So close to freedom and to coming out… and then out of the blue, Darren’s perfectly written Broadway BIO was edited to a mess of a BIO and  ‘xos to mia’ was included. Overnight Darren’s personal life got hijacked by a scheming woman and Darren’s manager. Eleni who was a longtime good friend of Jeff Jernigan, was appointed as Darren’s assistant (watchdog) at Belasco. Darren who hadn’t even seen or heard from the beard for many months, and Darren who had never displayed any real closeness to the woman - posts a dressing room kiss (long story about that too. (Read mleigh69’s post on how the Belasco kiss was staged).

From there on, everything went to hell in a hand basket. All their hopes and plans were dashed.

From that time to the present, how closely Darren is monitored and watched and babysat…is ridiculous. Darren has more people on his secret service detail,  sometimes more than even the President himself (it feels like). He sang 4 songs in Utah recently and he had Ricky, AB, Jeff Jernigan, Eleni, beard and Ken Sunshine (the boss of Sunshine Sachs) with him in Utah.

All their attempts to coming out was thwarted. Chris wasn’t allowed to attend the Hedwig closing show even though he had timed it to end the day before, giving him time enough to fly to NYC from LA. Chris who had never made a career misstep, chose to put his reputation as a children’s book author on the line by acting drunk - just so he could get on a plane to NYC. He had to watch the closing show from the shadows but am sure that was preferable to being beaten or giving in to two conniving people.

Even the ENCAGE was partially to stop CrissColfer from coming out. See what the encage did. All of Darren’s commitments and obligations were OVER AND DONE with by then… except for the NOOSE called the encage now. That was pretty timely, wasn’t it?

Why is Darren going on a tour with Lea Michele when Lea’s album was poorly received and didn’t do well at all? All her shows failed. She really has nothing much going on.  Hmmmm…

If am guessing, let me be wrong for one last time… WHAT IF IT IS TO KEEP CHRIS AND DARREN APART? As all their attempts and excuses to prevent Chris and Darren FROM COMING OUT ARE EXHAUSTED?

So now there are tours and MORE TOURS… where Darren's TEAM THINKS he has to remain NO HOMO for the tours to sell. They quickly got him committed to a LONDON concert while ACS was still airing.

Now ACS is over.

And sure enough, just as the ENCAGE IS COMING APART AT THE SEAMS… we have THE LM/DC TOUR!!!!

tahtah678

[gra-sonas]

From show creator Carina MacKenzie, The CW series Roswell, New Mexico is back for Season 2, and Liz (Jeanine Mason) is torn between having her sister Rosa (Amber Midthunder) back and the sacrifice that Max (Nathan Parsons) made, in order for that to happen. And while Michael (Michael Vlamis) and Isobel (Lily Cowles) are struggling with their own grief over the death of Max, Rosa begins experiencing mysterious side effects from her resurrection, as she realizes that she’s been kept in the dark about what really happened the night that she died.

During this 1-on-1 phone interview with Collider, showrunner/writer/executive producer Carina MacKenzie talked about how the death of her male lead was in her original pitch for the series, the interesting ways that they’ve made use of Nathan Parsons throughout the season, that the secrets pretty much all of the characters are keeping are going to blow up in their faces rather quickly, getting to explore the sister dynamic, that there will definitely be more Maria (Heather Hemmens) this season, her approach to exploring Michael’s bisexuality, how original Roswell star Jason Behr ended up doing a chunk of episodes, and what she’s most excited about with Season 2.

Collider: First of all, congratulations on already having a Season 3 renewal before the premiere of Season 2. That’s awesome.

CARINA MacKENZIE: Thank you! I think it’s awesome, except I’m so tired and I have to go back to work on Monday.

When you tell the powers that be, “Hey, I’m going to kill off my male lead and start Season 2 with him dead,” what was their reaction? Did they try to convince you to do something else?

MacKENZIE: This was actually part of my pitch, when I pitched Season 1, from the very beginning. I can’t remember if I told Nathan about it during the pilot episode or during when we were shooting the second episode, but it was the plan from the beginning, so they knew where we were going. I think they trust me on that stuff. I always make the joke that I’ve killed Nathan Parsons a lot on television and he always comes back, in one way or another. We started the series with Liz taking a bullet to the heart and with him saving her life. This is a show about a woman. It’s not a show about a man being the hero, all of the time. So, if that’s how we started our series, we wanted to turn the tables and say, “Okay, she doesn’t have superpowers the way that he has superpowers.” Our show is science fiction. It’s not about magic and witches and rituals. It’s about science. So if he somehow, within him, has the science to save her life, then somehow, she should be able to use that science to save his. The studio and network definitely were a little bit worried about how much we used Nathan Parsons because we pay him for every episode, no matter what, and you like to get your money’s worth. And so they were like, “Are we renegotiating his deal here?” But we did find interesting ways to use him throughout the season, whether it’s nightmares or flashbacks. I also made Nathan come in to do work that wasn’t even Max related. We had a character that we hadn’t cast yet, but we needed to see their hands, and I was like, “Okay, you come to work and be the hands.” Whenever we had a shadowy figure whose face you can’t see, I’d be like, “Hey, Nathan, come to work.” It was actually fun for him, I think, to get to be around when he wasn’t around, ‘cause he actually lives in Santa Fe, as opposed to some of the other cast members who live in L.A.

It seems as though everyone is really starting off the season with secrets and things that they’re hiding from each other. How will that affect things? How soon will those secrets really start blowing up in everybody’s faces?

MacKENZIE: Quickly, in different ways. Alex and Maria have a conversation that they need to have about the status of their relationships with Michael. Maria has been in the dark about a lot of things, including the fact that no one’s told her that Rosa is back, and she was incredibly close to Rosa. No one told her about Noah, and she was one of Noah’s victims. Secrets don’t stay buried very long on the show, so there will definitely be some fall out. But I also think that, in some cases, the fallout is gonna be what makes what makes the relationships stronger, as opposed to what weakens relationships.

With Rosa back, you really get to explore the sister dynamic now, in present day. What have you enjoyed about that relationship, and watching what Jeanine Mason and Amber Midthunder bring to that?

MacKENZIE: Well, they are amazing. Obviously, they look alike, which helps, but they also did a lot of work together to work on mannerisms that they could create for these girls to share. Right off the bat, in the pilot, they’re sharing a motel bed on their road trip, and they both sleep with one leg outside of the covers. Little things like that were things that the actors got together with us and we said, “Okay, how do we create this feeling of Rosa being a relatively new force in our present-day Roswell, but still show the audience how deep the history runs?” Working with Jeanine and Amber made that very easy.

You’ve previously talked about there being more Maria, in general, this season. What can you say about her storyline and what Heather Hemmens is bringing to it this season?

MacKENZIE: Heather is a goddess. She is the queen of my life. There is literally nothing that I’ve asked her to do that she hasn’t done, with full enthusiasm. I will say that we put Maria into situations that I don’t think the fans are going to see coming. I got a phone call from Heather once and she said, “I’m hearing a rumor that this might be happening in the next episode. Please tell me that’s not true.” And I was like, “Read the script and tell me what you think. We’ll change it if you hate it, but just read the script.” And then, when she read the script, she was like, “Oh, hell yes!” I know that I’m being incredibly cryptic, but we’re pushing boundaries with her character and we’re exploring all sides of her. We’re learning who she is, not just as Liz’s best friend, which was what it felt like throughout Season 1, but we’re learning who she is as a business owner, as a caretaker for her mother, as a friend, and as a girlfriend. We get to see a lot of sides of her, but one of the things that I’m excited about is that we put Maria and Isobel together a little bit more this season. They’ve got this really fun, long, deep history of just hating each other, for no real good reason, whereas the actresses, Lily [Cowles] and Heather, live together and love each other. So, it led to some really fun dynamics on screen.

One of the things that I love about Michael being a bisexual character is that it’s allowed you to explore two relationships with him, the one between Michael and Alex, and the one between Michael and Maria. What’s it like for you to get do that, be able to bring that to life, and to hear how people feel about being represented in that way?

MacKENZIE: The representation part of it is really important to me. It’s really important to me that it’s not portrayed like he’s having two relationships. He is a very honest character. When Michael keeps secrets, it is not because he wants to keep secrets. Michael’s not gonna be a person who’s cheating on anybody, ever. He’s not someone who leads people on, or wants to hurt anyone. And those relationships are very different. Michael and Alex’s relationship, the bulk of it, was the summer after their senior year of high school, and that was 10 years ago. There are obviously a lot of lingering feelings, and there have been some brief reconnections over the years, but he isn’t in a committed relationship with Alex. He’s also not yet in a committed relationship with Maria. But when Michael does commit to someone, it’s very important to him to be true to them and to be honest. That’s been my whole thing. We’re not playing this bisexual character as a promiscuous person who can’t decide what he wants, or who wants both, and who’s just flitting between the genders. He’s very much a lover. And it’s been cool for me to play him as the Joey Potter or the Felicity. He’s not the typical person in the center of a love triangle. The other thing that’s important, too, is that Alex and Maria aren’t rivals. They are people who have a very deep history with each other and who love each other very much. Later on, we tell a story where Maria admits that, when she was a little kid and Alex was her best friend, she always thought she was gonna grow up and marry Alex. So, there are a lot of layers to this, and we’ve made sure to tell it with respectfully because of the representation angle, but also, we’re not trying to tell a story about people that aren’t flawed and that don’t make mistakes and that don’t have any nuance to them. We’re telling a story about people who mess up sometimes and who have to emerge from that, just like anybody else.

It’s also very cool that you have Jason Behr coming onto the show for Season 2.

MacKENZIE: Yes, it is.

How did that come about? Did he agree to it, and then you wrote the character tailored to him, or did you write the character, and then try to convince him to do it?

MacKENZIE: I met Jason at Julie Plec’s birthday party, and literally sat talking to him for five hours, and I’m not exaggerating. Everyone, including the person who was throwing the party, had gone to bed, and Jason and I were still talking about work and art, and what inspires us as artists. He had watched the first season of the show and he said, “If you want me to come do a cameo, reach out.” I didn’t think he was serious, but I thought it was worth a try. And we had this character come up that was a pretty small character because I didn’t think Jason was gonna be interested in going back to work full time. He hasn’t, in a really long time. He’s a dad, and he’s very much rooted in L.A. But when I reached out to him about the character, he was so excited that he was like, “Well, I’ll stick around.” We developed a very rich backstory for this character. He has a very deep and complicated history, and a very interesting future. He ultimately appeared in five episodes out of 13, which is a lot, and he’s essential to the season. I also cannot say enough wonderful things about working with this man. I was expecting somebody to come in with some reluctance to revisit a reboot of something that he had worked really hard on 20 years ago, but there was no reluctance. He was immediately one of the gang. He gave everybody advice. He knows the show, inside and out. And we put him through the ringer. He did not have an easy time on the show, at all, and he never didn’t have a smile on his face doing it. If anybody, in the future, gets the chance to work with Jason Behr, jump at it ‘cause it was a dream. It was a literal dream. I had the guy’s poster in my locker when I was a kid.

What are you most excited about with what you’re getting to do in Season 2, and how you’re also working toward Season 3?

MacKENZIE: Season 1 was my first time as a showrunner, so I was nervous and I had a lot on my plate. With Season 2, I felt a lot steadier on my feet. With Season 2, I pushed the stories to be bolder and pushed us in directions that scared the crap out of me because I had more confidence that I, as a writer, would be able to rise to the challenge. I told some stories that shook some things up on the network, and that we had to really, really defend. They ultimately ended up being very supportive of us, but we definitely threw some surprises at our bosses, which we didn’t really do in the first season. So, bolder is the word. We are entering territory that’s a little more controversial, a little darker, and a little sexier, in some cases. I’m just seeing what I can get on The CW.

[x]

[zodiacal-dust-and-curls]

Meant to Be

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: None that I can think of. Let me know if you see any!

A/N: I hope y’all are ready. This is a little ridiculous, but I had fun writing it. The reader’s character has a name! But her perspective will be in second person and physical description will be vague. (Sorry, I needed a pretty distinct name for this.)

Thank you to @im-justatrashcan for the request and as always a big thank you to my proof-reader and PSM @mollymarymarie

All your life, you’d had the name ‘Ben Jones’ written in black ink on the inside of your wrist. A common place for a soulmark, really. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about it. Including the name.

It was very frustrating, honestly. It had exhausted you since you were thirteen and everyone else started meeting their soulmates left and right, literally. You’d watched both of your best friends, at the ripe old age of 15, turn opposite directions and bump into their soulmates.  From that day forward, their marks had been so beautifully colored and their soulmates never too far away.

But ‘Ben Jones’? That was like finding a needle in a haystack. Your wrist might as well have said ‘John Smith’.  It haunted you.

By the midpoint of senior year, ninety percent of your schoolmates had found their other halves and you were still alone.

Then one day, in early 2012, you noticed something. Your mark no longer said ‘Ben Jones’. It now read ‘Ben Hardy’ and you felt like life was just about to get more complicated.

Ben had always wondered how he’d meet you, the mysterious ‘Cheyenne Williams’. Tattooed on his tricep, destined to be his forever. Just from your name, he could tell you weren’t English.

It excited him. He always wondered where life would take him, and he knew for sure he’d get to travel at least part of the world.

Growing up, he was never too concerned with meeting his soulmate. Lots of his friends met theirs between 13 and 18. But it never seemed to bother him. He knew he’d find you one day. It certainly seemed like it wouldn’t be anywhere near his home.

When he started his career, he worried about you being able to find him. He had to change his name, there was just no way around it. Even if it was just a stage name, it would still be the easiest way to recognize him.

He worried over something else, too. Because of his career choice, he’d need to cover his mark. It felt like he was hiding you from the world. Even though he hadn’t met you, he never wanted you to think he could be ashamed of you. That just wasn’t true. He just didn’t want anyone to lie to him and use your name to hurt either of you. It was hard to explain your motives to someone you still hadn’t met.

You were the only one that noticed the change in your mark. As long as the first word was ‘Ben’ and it was still black, no one else really seemed to care. Which, helped you avoid a lot of trouble, honestly.

You really had to fight the urge to google the new name. The development had you stuck somewhere between worry and wonder. Worry for your soulmate’s safety, could something have happened to him? Wonder for yourself, had anyone else ever had their mark change?

The best course of action was to not call any attention to it. You didn’t want to become a case study. There was absolutely no one that would be helped by that. Well, out of the people you were truly concerned for (yourself and your soulmate), no one would probably be helped.

Years after the change, only your mother and best friend had noticed. It took them months to see any difference at all, and it wasn’t the mark that caught their eye. It was your demeanor. The girl with a slightly bitter heart and too many choices had finally seemed hopeful. It threw each of them for a loop, but they’d each asked as curiosity got the best of them.

One day in 2016, your best friend, Tyler, convinced you to see a movie with her. She seemed really excited about it. She said it was going to restart the X-Men franchise and give rise to a whole new generation of superheroes. With all her excitement about the film, you couldn’t say no.

That’s how you found yourself transfixed on the pouty blond angel only a few minutes into the movie. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but you felt like you’d seen him before. Somewhere. . . But where?

To say that Ben was a little disappointed that he didn’t find you  while shooting his first American film wouldn’t be incorrect. He tried to reassure himself that he’d only seen a small part of the country during pre- and post-production, and there would be plenty more to see later. His career was just starting, really.

There was still plenty of time.

Oh my God. Was that really him? You were so glad that Tyler had run to the restroom immediately after the post-credit scene. You needed to talk yourself out of this. Now.

There was no way your soulmate was an actor. Let alone one that had acted alongside some of your favorites. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna d-

“Chy? You look a little lost there. Are you okay?” Tyler was back. Oh man, this could be really bad.

“I’m fine, Ty.” You smiled at her, storing all your thoughts away to freak out over later. “Let’s go get dinner, yeah? That movie was crazy long.”

With a roll of her eyes, she agreed. “Leave it to my bestie, with the freaky Mark, excuse me, the mutant Mark, to have that look on her face because she’s hungry.”

You just stuck your tongue out at her and promised yourself that you would check his IMDB later for interviews. Maybe life would be interesting after all.

By mid 2018, Ben still hadn’t met you. He felt like he’d traveled a fair bit. Met new and exciting people. But you were the only person he was just dying to meet.

Okay, maybe that had changed for a hot minute in 2017. He was cast to play a living legend. Could you really blame him for wanting to meet Roger Taylor (the drummah from Queen)?

Ben decided you could probably let that slide. It was just one small request on his growing pile of things to ask forgiveness for.

Hopefully, the upcoming press tour would help him out.

Except that he wouldn’t be going on the American leg of the tour (all the boys had agreed that the name was definitely American, more than likely Southern) due to work. Fate, what game were you playing?

Stalking may have been a tad excessive to describe the ferocity with which you watched a certain Mr. Hardy from that fateful day in the movie theater to now.

You’d looked up several of his interviews, especially any that mentioned his mark, or rather lack thereof. He never brought it up on his own and always seemed ready to deflect with some other comment when asked. There was no way he was your soulmate. He clearly was just one of the UnMarked and wasn’t comfortable talking about it.

It hadn’t even shown up in any of the candids or BTS content you’d seen. He just didn’t have one. It was that simple.

That didn’t stop you though. You still managed to see all his projects. The latest one seemed promising. He was set to play Roger Taylor, yes the Roger Taylor your own mother was in love with as a young girl, and they would even have a press tour stop close to your home town.

Ty had, of course, figured everything out that first day and encouraged you to chase it.

(“He could just be a really private person, Chy. What if he covered it up to protect you?

“Right Ty, I’m sure that’s exactly what some English actor that knows nothing about me did.”

Tyler just narrowed her eyes at you, wishing you would regain a little of the hopefulness you’d had back when the change had happened. “I’m right. Just you wait.”

“I certainly will wait, but don’t expect me to hold my breath.”)

So, you and Tyler had made plans to go to the stop. It could be fun, and maybe you’d finally know if she was right.

“Cheyenne Montgomery Williams, get out of the bathroom or you are gonna miss the whole thing. Jeez.” Ty screamed through the door at you. What were you even doing here? He wouldn’t be here and you knew he didn’t have a mark. He’d never confirm that in interviews, but you just knew it.

“First of all, that’s not my name and you know it.” You pushed the door open with enough force to bump Ty back a little and leveled her with a narrowed glare. “Secondly, so what if I missed the whole thing? He isn’t here.”

“Excuse me?” You heard a voice come from your side. “What did you say your name was?”

You looked in the direction of the voice and released Ty from your stare. “I didn’t. She -,” you used your head to gesture to Ty, hands still poised on your hips and stopped. Joe Mazzello was looking at you with a ridiculous amount of glee in his eyes.

Ben’s phone buzzed from beside him. It was late evening in Rome, where he was filming his newest project.

Joey: Oh, Benny Boy. You aren’t going to believe this.

Benny Boy: Believe what?

Joey: On second thought, I’ve decided not to tell you.

          Yet.

          When will you be able to visit me in the states?

Ben just shook his head. He was sure Joe had good motives, but all he wanted to do after this film was go home and sleep for a few days. He missed his bed and his Frankie.

Benny Boy: We talked about this.

                      I’m going to go home for a bit. I can come visit you in December.

Joey: That’s so far awayyyyy.

           But I shall wait for you.

           Until then, Jonesy.

JM: Are you ready?

The CW: Nope.

JM: Perfect. It’s showtime.

You had just pulled up to the shop Joe had been bothering you about. The man loved donuts and apparently these were the best in Dallas. It was a bit too far from your hometown for you to be overly familiar with the area, but you allowed Joe his indulgences.

It was weird to think that you got a celebrity’s phone number. Much less for such innocent reasons. He really did just want to check on you and figure out who you were before he introduced you to Ben. There was a good chance Joe was more nervous than you were.

“Mate, why am I filming you eat this donut?” It was the one question Ben felt Joe could actually answer. It wasn’t the only question he had, just the only one he thought he could get an answer to.

“It’s going to be transcendent.” Joe fixed his gaze on the prize in his hand, which was possibly the shiniest donut Ben had ever seen. “ Just shut up and point the camera at my face, Jonesy.”

“Really, Joe? Is that anyway to treat your friend?” Ben could have sworn he’d heard that voice before. It sounded like home, but with a drawl.

“Really, Joe? Is that anyway to treat your friend?” You smiled at Joe over the blond head in front of him.

“You know what, Chy? I think it is.” He couldn’t help but grin back at you. “Besides, this one,” he gestured to the man seated in front of him, “has kept the both of us waiting long enough. Don’t you think?”

It seemed like it took him an eternity to turn around and face you. But when he did, you couldn’t look away. Those eyes, the same ones you’d seen all those years ago projected in front of you, were even more breathtaking in person. The mouth that you’d watched form countless words in dozens of interviews, was right there and you waited for it to move.

“I think you’re absolutely right, Joey.” But you couldn’t tear your gaze from Ben. He was here. He was real. It was finally time to see if Ty was right.

“Cheyenne?” He breathed out with a sense of wonder, as if trying your name for the first time.

“Cheyenne?” Ben couldn’t believe this was what Joe had been hiding from him for 2 months. It was you. He found you, the only thing that was still missing from his life.

“It’s very nice to finally meet you, Ben.” Your voice was like music to his ears, especially when you said his name. He didn’t think he could ever get tired of the sound.

He had honestly never tried to imagine you, and he’s very glad he didn’t. Whatever he would have dreamed up wouldn’t have been as good as what was standing in front of him now.

Hesitantly, Ben stepped toward this astonishing woman that was meant to be his. Joe was basically forgotten behind him as Ben moved in to hug you.

The next thing you knew the two of you were moving towards each other. You reached out and hooked your right forearm behind his left shoulder and pulled Ben to you.

Distantly, you could hear Joe cheering. Two of his new favorite people were finally together. First contact had been made. It was finally time to see if Ty and Joe were both right or if they’d just been feeding you false hope all these years (and months).

But he didn’t intervene immediately. Joe let the two of you lose yourselves in the embrace. You were grateful for that. After 20+ years of waiting, at times not so patiently, you felt like you’d finally found your home.

“Okay, lovebirds. You don’t have to completely disentangle, but there’s something I gotta see.” Ah, Joe. He’d waited as long as he possibly could. But Ben supposed he was owed this. To be the first to see his colored Mark.

Ben felt a little wistful for not taking a minute to admire it in the mirror this morning. He wished he would have known that he’d never see the familiar black script on his skin again. It had been replaced with some vibrant color. He was sure of it, and the possibilities of the new discovery left him a little giddy.

Slowly, Ben pulled you to his right and twisted his left arm forward. Sure enough, there in a jeweled red was the name he’d been looking at all his life. But now he had new hope attached to it.

Joe was possibly the most impatient person you knew at this moment. All you wanted to do was hang on to Ben a little longer. You weren’t ready for reality to come crashing down on you.

Ben slowly pulled you to your left and started to twist his arm.

You decided it was time to take the plunge and glanced down at your right wrist. There in a striking red was his name.

The sight brought tears to your eyes. You thought this day would never come. You thought that Fate had been playing a cruel trick on your whole life. But here it was. Living proof.

“Oh. love. Don’t cry.” Ben heard a sniffle come from your  direction. He paused his celebrating to take care of his soulmate. He really could get used to that, his soulmate. “What’s wrong?”

“I just,” you were still fighting tears in the little shop, “I just never thought this day would actually come.”

To hear that broke Ben’s heart. He had always justified his actions to himself (hiding his mark, deflecting in interviews, letting Roger Taylor take your spot as the #1 person he wanted to meet) and now it was time to justify them to you.

“Let’s get out of here, yeah?” Ben rested his forehead against your own. “We can go talk somewhere private.” His voice had softened and taken on a concerned undertone.

“That sounds good. Let’s go.” You waved towards Joe and blew him a kiss. You could see the excitement on his face for the both of you. He was a good friend, truly. You’d have to find a way to thank him for putting the two of you together.

Ben was so relieved that you took him to a park towards the outskirts of the big city. He preferred to think and talk while moving, It helped him focus.

“So I’m sure I owe you some explanations.” He began. He made sure to loop your arm with his not wanting you to get too far away or for his voice to get so loud that passers-by would hear your conversation.

“Yeah, just two really.” He was shocked that you agreed with him. Most of the soulmates he’d seen were so instantly in love, he wasn’t ready for any push back.

“Which one would you like first, love?” If there were two you wanted now, he wanted to be sure they were the ones you wanted and not the ones he thought were most important.

“Why did my Mark change?” That . . . may have stopped him in his tracks a little.

“Your Mark . . .changed?” He was a little confused. He’d never heard of Marks changing.

“Yeah. One day it said ‘Ben Jones’ and the next it said ‘Ben Hardy’. I always worried that something bad happened.” You looked up at him and back down quickly before admitting the next bit. “I may have googled you after X-Men came out and found out that it’s just your stage name.”

Ben wracked his brain for an answer to that one. “I don’t know about that one, but we can figure it out together.” He smiled at you.

“The next one is why haven’t you admitted to having a Mark?” There it was. His biggest fear to have to explain to you. Of course, you would want to know. It probably would have gotten you together faster if he’d just made it public information.

Ben stopped and pulled you closer to him with a hand on either side of your face.

“That was the hardest decision I’d ever had to make.” He looked so sad as he met your eyes. “I wanted to protect you, and myself. I wanted this life and career. I made this choice. You didn’t.”

“Are you joking?” You blinked, a little dumbfounded. “I am never going to hear the end of this from Ty.” You shook your head and grabbed his wrists to pull his hands away from your face.

“Let’s see it then.” You fully met his eyes, a new determination in your own.

“Well, alright.” Ben gave you a cocky smile and  turned around to pull his sleeve so that you could see your own name in a startling blood red on his skin. “What do you think?”

Before you could respond, you reached out and ran your hand from his elbow to his shoulder following the path your name made. “It’s incredible.”

Ben had just watched your face and taken in the quiet astonishment that played across it. He could never have guessed that you really thought this day would never come.

Quickly, he fixed his shirt sleeve and turned back to face you. “Can I see yours?” He asked quietly.

You extended your wrist out towards Ben and he took it carefully, almost as if you would break. He brought himself around to stand next to her so that he could read his own name appropriately.

“I can’t believe it’s really there.” He took in the wine red stain on your wrist that was his name and rubbed the pad of his thumb delicately along it. “Ben Hardy. Who would’ve thought that it would change to my stage name?” He asked mostly to himself.

“I certainly didn’t, but I’m so glad it did.” You placed your hand on top of where his thumb was tracing your Mark and gave him a genuine smile. The one you got in return was absolutely blinding.

“I guess Fate decided that we were meant to be.”

A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! See y’all sometime next week. I’m going to go be murdered by these two tests. Have a good day, lovelies!

Taglist: @rogers-wristbands @deakydeckme

[bendy-dreamland]

(Warning: chapter contains mild gore, death, and blood, mentions of medical procedures)

--

“Boris! No, no! What have they done to ya?!”

Henry pulled Bendy away, keeping him from looking at the dead Toon. “Bendy, we need you to get out of here. Mugman, think you can take him back to Candy Corners?”

“NO!” Bendy screamed. “No, no, no! I’m not leavin’ dis spot! Dat’s mah buddy up in dat dang tree! I wanna know why he’s up there!”

“Hey, calm down, calm down!” Cuphead grabbed at the demon, turning him around to face him. “Look at me, brat! If yer gonna freak out, you’re gonna call da wrong sorta attention here! We need to block off da area and get da police in on dis. We’ve got a straight up murder on our hands, and it might be part of our investigation.”

Bendy looked at Cuphead before his face scrunched up as big, black tears came to his eyes. “B-But… Boris is…” He was cut off when the red-themed cup pulled him into a tight hug, rubbing his back. The demon started to cry, wrapping his arm around Cuphead.

Mugman gulped, looking up at Boris before looking at Henry as he approached him. “S-Should we get someone to call the police? I can go back to the shop…”

“Give me the camera I gave you earlier, I’m gonna take a few pictures. Go call for the police, please.” Henry replied, holding out his hand. Mugman didn’t say anything as he took the camera from his person, giving it to the detective before running back to the shop.

He got inside and went up to the counter. “Mike, I need to use the phone, gotta call the cops. We’ve got a possible murder on our hands.” He whispered, not wanting to cause a panic in the soda shop. Mike didn’t say anything as he let Mugman go behind the counter to use the phone.

As the mug was doing this, Henry was taking pictures of Boris’ body. It wasn’t easy, the sight was making his stomach curl, and Bendy’s crying wasn’t helping that unsettling feeling.

In his short time as a P.I., Henry has learned that death was a rare, but possible, event for cartoon characters. He’s learned that death comes in a variety of ways, some worse than others. Cartoon characters can be killed with acetone or Dip, something like acetone except ten times worse, and it’s not a pretty or pleasant death for anyone. Even humans have trouble when it comes to Dip, it burns something terrible.

Another way to die is from a weapon infused or soaked in either of these liquids, but it can’t be a Toon weapon, it has to be a human one.

Then there’s the simple death of a character due to script writing, and sometimes it’s for the best.

The saddest death is when a Creator gives up on a character and just kills them by ignoring them and cutting them off, leaving them to suffer. They cannot survive this way, they can’t continue to be a character, they’re not even allowed to stay alive in Toon World.

One of the worst cases is when Walt Disney and Universal Studios gave up on Julius the Cat, from the Alice shorts. The poor character suffered so much hate from people accusing him of being a rip-off of Felix the Cat that Disney let him be forgotten.

But that wasn’t his fault, he was an Original Idea that happened to be a black cat who was an imp, personality wise.

Original Ideas are the very essence of a Toon, they exist but they have no true form, no way to come to life, until they can make contact with the mind of a Creator. This is how cartoons come into being, this is how they can access the Over World.

When a Creator gets an Original Idea in their head, they draw the character on paper, then animate them. This gives them the kick in the pants they need for something called Life Ink to get them to come to life, to come over to the real world to live as a living drawing, a Toon.

Toons live in Toon World, that’s their home, but they can’t come into being until a Creator gives them life. It’s always been this way, even with comic characters. They exist in Toon World once they are brought to life through the medium they exist in.

Henry has had many Original Ideas he’s brought to life, just like Boris up here. It hurts to see his creation mangled like this, and maybe it’s the shock of it all, but Henry was keeping himself level headed about all this. He had to, he found his friend murdered and he knew that he had to be the one to find out why. Boris was an Original Idea he gave life to, and it hurts to see that someone snuffed that life out.

That made him worry, was something going to happen to Alice, the Butcher Gang? Did something already happen to them… and Bendy? Oh no, what about Bendy?

Bendy was, for the most part, a difficult Toon to bring to life. He was an Original Idea, but nothing Henry did could give him Life Ink. Until Joey took things into his own hands and told Henry that he’d help bring Bendy into this world. The next morning, he found Bendy sleeping at his desk, completely alive. Henry had asked how Joey did it, and all his friend had said was,

‘You just had to believe hard enough, Henry. Belief can make dreams come true, it can make magic happen.’

Lowering the camera, Henry looked over at Bendy, seeing him sitting a distance away, his back turned to face the body. Cuphead was quietly talking to him, patting his back. Henry could still hear crying from his demonic creation. He didn’t blame Bendy, he was reacting how anyone else would after finding the corpse of their best buddy in a tree.

There were loud siren sounds and Henry looked over to see police cars and the police force making their way over. He wasn’t too keen on the cops themselves, especially the ones here in Palomino City, but he was going to need their help.

He watched as a poodle in a chief’s uniform approach. He looked at Henry and cleared his throat, his voice heavy with a French accent as he spoke. “I am Chief Louis Baton, we were called here because of, eh, murder? Yes?”

Henry nodded. “I’m private detective Henry Ross, and the murder victim is my creation, Boris the Wolf.”

Chief Baton looked at him confusion. “You are a Creator?” He asked, sounding suspicious.

Reaching into his pocket, Henry pulled out his wallet and pulled out an ID card. It showed an image of himself from years ago, and had information about himself and his position at Joey Drew Studios. Chief Baton looked it over before giving a nod. “I have heard of you, Mr. Ross, just needed to make sure. Have had humans pretending to be… well… Creators, yes? Trying to sneak into places. Where is the body?”

Pointing up, Henry gestured to the tree and Chief Baton’s face paled, which was funny to see since he was a white poodle. “Mon dieu…!” He squeaked out as a bit of Boris’ entrails slipped out and dropped down, hanging about three feet down.

Henry felt like throwing up as he looked away. “I-I… let me get the clean up crew…” the police officer stammered out as he turned away. The animator looked down at the ground before walking over to Bendy and Cuphead.

“How’s he doin’?” Henry asked as he sat down next to Bendy, only to have the devil latch tightly to him, crying once more.

“Bad.” Cuphead sighed loudly. “What do ya think’s gonna happen, Ross?”

“He’ll be taken to the morgue where the coroner will look him over.” Henry frowned softly. “I know the coroner, he’s a friend, I’ll be able to get information about what happened from him easily.”

Bendy sniffed loudly before pulling away, his face was stained with inky tears. “Please… please figure out what happened… my best buddy’s dead, I can’t…”

Henry pulled him close and hugged him, sighing softly. “I know, I know, it hurts a lot. I wish I hadn’t seen it either. But I promise that I’ll figure out what happened, and I’ll take down whoever dared to kill Boris.”

Golden eyes looked up at him and Henry watched as a small smile came to Bendy’s lips. “I-I’ll hold ya do dat, ol’ man.”

--

Henry had spoken to several police officers about what he knew of Boris’ body, and he was able to interview both the ram and his wife about what happened. Apparently, they had taken a stroll through the park and the sheep had wanted to sit under the tree for a little break, only for her to find the blood and ink.

Now, that had Henry curious.

Blood and ink do flow in Toon veins, but the problem with the situation is that the blood was too dark, too deep a shade of red to be cartoon blood. Most characters bled a very bright, very loud shade of red, though some bled different colors, and some bled straight up black if they were a monochrome character.

In this case, that was where Boris fell. He was black and white in color, so his blood should be black. But this? Boris had blood that was the same color as that of a human’s, that’s… that’s not right. Did Joey make changes to Boris that were internal rather than external in design? Toons do get upgrades and design changes to match with the times, explains why Bendy wore a colored outfit, but Boris?

Boris was different, he looked just as he had years ago, and was even in his signature overalls. Last Henry had heard, Boris wore a shirt now and had a change in pants as well. He was even sporting a tail, a design choice that Henry fully approved of.

Did Boris change back to his old look before his death?

Henry sighed and rubbed at his eyes before getting up, grabbing a cup of coffee from the offered pot and cups across the room. He, Cuphead, Mugman, and Bendy were sitting in the waiting room at the coroner’s office, waiting to hear anything from the doctor in the other room.

Sitting at a desk in the room was a white cat with a long, fluffy tail and big, gold eyes. She had a cute smile on her face as she typed away at her type writer to the beat of the song that played on the radio. She was the secretary and wife of the doctor, Tabby. She was a sweetheart and liked to call Henry cutie whenever he came in. He let her do it because she was too nice to be angry with.

He poured himself a cup of coffee before looking over at the boys. Bendy had finally passed out from the emotional stress and was currently sleeping against Mugman, who was also napping quietly. Cuphead was the only one awake, flipping through a comic book he had pulled from his hammerspace.

“Want some coffee?” He asked the cup, who looked up and nodded. Walking back over, he handed Cuphead his drink, who happily poured it into his head, enjoying the boost of caffeine.

“Thanks, Henry.” Cuphead said as he closed the comic. “Maybe I should take ‘em home, Bendy’s had a rough time.”

“Yeah, maybe y-” The door behind the secretary desk opened and a black cat dressed in scrubs came out. He had a bored expression on his face as he looked over at the group. “Oh, hello, Dr. Fish.” Henry greeted, before hearing a loud snort from Cuphead. The cat was named Doctor Claudius Fish, and yes, his name was a set of puns. Happens a lot to cartoon characters.

Dr. Fish rolled his eyes, sighing loudly through his nose. “I didn’t choose my name, boy, don’t make fun. Henry, can you come with me, I need to show you something.”

“Right.” Henry set his cup down and looked over at Cuphead. “You gonna come with?”

“I… suppose, yeah. Miss, do ya mind watchin’ my baby bro and friend?” He asked, looking at Tabby, who happily nodded. He followed the doctor and detective through the door and into another part of the building. They entered an examination room and Cuphead made a face as he looked at the body on the table.

Boris was cut open and some of his organs rested on trays, even his head seemed to be cut open. But Cuphead was shocked to notice something with the body and the organs. “Oh, sugar honey iced tea… those aren’t right.”

“I take it that you figured out the problem here, yes?” Dr. Fish asked, looking at the cup headed Toon.

“Yeah, uh, I ain’t da smartest guy here in town, but I know what cartoon organs are suppose to look like, and these ain’t right.”

“What do you mean?” Henry asked as he approached, before realizing what they were getting at. “These are human…”

“Yes, and they seem to belong to Boris, as they were physically attached to him naturally.” The mortician replied, adjusting his glasses on his nose. Henry and Cuphead looked at him with equal surprise and he continued. “I have never seen anything like this before in all my years of working with Toons and humans. Toon organs may look like human ones, but there are obvious differences. For one, the heart is meant to look like one you see when a character is in love.”

“I’m guessin’ Boris’ doesn’t look anythin’ like that?” Henry asked as Dr. Fish held up a tray. He cringed, staring at the heart that was clearly human, except it was yellow in colored, stained in ink. What made it worse was that there was a giant bite mark in it. “What the hell…?”

Setting down the dish, Dr. Fish reached for his notes. “From what I was able to gather, it seems that this wolf has a human chest cavity, and bleeds human blood but toon blood as well, that’s not ink. Though he does have ink in his chest, but I doubt it’s his.”

“What’s… the cause of death?”

“Looks like he was attacked by a beast of sorts. He was clearly torn open by teeth, and most of his organs have bites and tears. It seems a monster had gotten to him, if you want to believe that. I think it was a wild animal Toon, one that has simple intelligence, like a wolf or lion from the Over World.”

He pointed towards the chest, at what looked like long marks in the black fur. “Seems that claws were used, or at least one set. I can’t find much in terms of evidence that two sets were used, just one that appears to be from the right front paw. That, or a hand from a Toon with very, very dark tendencies.”

“Gross.” Cuphead grimaced. “Hopefully it ain’t dat, don’t wanna be dealin’ with a crazed murderer. But if dat’s da option dat’s right… why would a Creator make such a character?”

“Because some people have dark minds that attract such Original Ideas.” Dr. Fish scoffed. “It’s why we have bad guys in Toon World, adds drama to a world full of sugar and smiles. I don’t mind the drama, gives me work.”

“Dat’s a dark outlook on da situation, Dr. Fish.”

“I deal with death and gore, boy, I am desensitized to much of what I see in this office, and I don’t mind it compared to the blinding world of cartoons outside of my office. If I want sunshine and rainbows, I’ll spend time with Tabby, at least I enjoy it from her.”

“Boy, you must be fun at parties.”

Henry sighed and slapped his forehead. “Anythin’ else you can tell us about this, doctor?”

Dr. Fish nodded and moved to another part of the room, grabbing a tray before returning to the table. On the tray was a large wrench, but there was something so wrong about it. It was solid, physical, but it appeared to be stuck as a sketch in appearance. It had all the tell-tale signs of a sketched-out design, like the marks of trying to make straight lines, the areas where things didn’t look even. And it was covered in dry ink and blood.

“This was found in his chest, behind his lungs.” The cat stated. “I’m not sure why it was there, but I suspect that it has a big thing to do with what happened to him. I am still going for his death being caused by an animal, but it is possible that this was used in the process. I’ll keep looking over anything else that seems suspicious.”

Henry nodded, looking from the wrench to Boris, seeing the familiar face, but the unsettling unfamiliarity of the X’d out eyes. There was a soft cough, catching the detective’s attention as he looked back to the doctor, who was giving him a look that meant that he understood how he was feeling.

“I’ll let you know more soon, Henry. I’m still needing to examine things and run tests, give me a day or two. Go home and rest, you look exhausted.”

He did feel exhausted, this is a lot to take in. “I know, I mean… this is my friend, my creation, layin’ on this table, right in front of me.”

Green eyes stared at him before Dr. Fish removed his glasses, cleaning them off a bit. “I understand, it is a hard thing to take in, people sometimes forget that Toons can die as well. We’re not meant to last forever, we all have to go at some point, even if it seems to happen before our time. Go home, you two, get some rest, continue work in the morning.”

--

Stepping out back into the office, Henry was surprised to find Linda waiting there with a now-awake Mugman and Bendy. She smiled sadly and got up, approaching him. “How are you doing, Henry?”

“Terrible, but I’m tryin’.” He tried to smile back at her and she gently patted his arm.

“Come on, let’s go to my place. I’ll make you boys a nice, hot meal and you can relax a bit. I’m sure you all need it after what happened tonight. If you want, you can spend the night!”

“Oh, I don’t wanna be a bother…”

She shook her head. “No, no! It’s alright, I’m offering! Besides, it’s getting late and traveling through the portals at night isn’t always the best. Also, when’s the last time I made you a good dinner, Henry?”

He wanted to say no, he wanted to reject the offer, but how could Henry say no to Linda? He chuckled as he shrugged. “Alright, alright, we’ll come over, is that alright with you boys?”

“Hell yeah!” Cuphead grinned, giving a thumbs up. “I’m up for a free meal!” He ignored his brother, who told him to stop being rude. Bendy looked over and smiled, he looked so tired and worried as he got up, walking over to Henry.

“Thanks fer da offer, Ms. Linda, real nice of ya to do fer us.” He told her, and she nodded, frowning softly.

“It’s the least I can do, it’s a terrible thing to have happen, losing a dear friend like that. Come, let’s head to my place.”

After saying good bye to Tabby, the small group walked out into the dark streets. People were out and about, many coming home from work, others going out for a good time. They could quietly hear people gossiping about a murder in the park, that’s the problem with cities like this, word travels fast.

Bendy bit his lip, trying to ignore the talking of strangers, instead trying to focus on the quiet chatter of his friends. He glanced around as he quietly walked before something caught his eye, a flash of black and blue. He stopped, looking about, what was that? Had he seen who he thought he had seen?

“Ben?”

Blinking, Bendy turned to see Cuphead looking at him with concern. “You okay there, short stuff?”

“Yeah, I thought I saw… hey! Don’t call me short!” He huffed and quickly moved to catch up to the laughing cup, his mind no longer on what he had thought he had seen.

As they walked on down the street, someone peeked around the corner of a building, watching from under a hood. Black, pie-cut eyes looked on in worry before looking about, making sure that there was no one watching from above.

With a loud gulp, the figure ran off. This was bad, he just knew it, he could feel it in his feet that something terrible was starting.

First Joey disappears, now there’s a mutilated body, and he knew there would be more very soon…

END OF ACT ONE SCENE FIVE