#they have giant flying goats for gods sake

[sunny-rants]

I haven’t even seen it yet but Thor: Love & Thunder might be the most comic accurate marvel movie yet. you know why? because it’s ridiculous.

I will never shut up about the fact that comics are just…absolutely ridiculous! they’re colourful and weird and imaginative and so so random. your favourite character has almost definitely been gay and/or a woman at some point in time. and if they haven’t, they’ve at least slept with an alien. they are stories told through silly little drawings that have been adapted by hundreds of different authors and artists, each with their own interpretations and agendas. they are supposed to fun and unrealistic and weird as fuck, and their film adaptations should be too.

edit: I saw it. just as weird and random and colourful and fun and funny as I’d hoped. Valkyrie pls step on me

[mintenochian]

what other people want added to Minecraft: g u n s

what I want added to Minecraft

•Birds

-For multiple biomes, but mainly for the forests.

-Songbirds would add SO MUCH life to the otherwise quiet areas of the game

-Ravens and crows would be awesome and could use some of the parrot mimicking AI

-Cardinals in the snow biomes would bring a GORGEOUS pop of colour into the white atmosphere

-Seriously we need something to populate the sky, parrots do NOT fly like they should

-nests in trees, can find eggs in them

-doesn't really add a use but fun new feather types would be cool

•Owls

-technically still a bird but would go really well in covered rooftop forests and snow biomes

-we're already getting larger avians added in the form of vultures so why not more large birds?

•Mice and / or rats

-absolute precious babies

-sadly would go well with owls :(

-with cave update coming we need adorable rodents scurrying around

-lil bastards could make mouseholes inside of blocks

-will they be tameable? idk.

-adds the necessity for cheese

•Deer

-MOJANG this is a MUST, this is a NEED

-You literally have pigs, chickens, cows, and sheep spawning in forests what the fuck

-Deer with spotty baby fawns??? Yes

-Young bucks with different stages of antler growth? Yes

-Fawns frolicking in flower forests bc they feel safe

-Stripped wood appearing on trees where bucks scrape velvet off their antlers

-Being able to collect sets of antlers when they fall off periodically (would NOT be attainable by killing the deer, you have to wait for them to shed)

•Elk and Moose

-Same vein as deer

-Bigger, much bigger, neutral instead of passive, less shy

-Snowy biomes

-Better additions than fucking llamas tyvm

-Sidenote but savannahs could also really use some endangered deer-like species to help raise awareness for their status

•Squirrels

-Mojang plz

-Adds nuts to Minecraft ;)

-Black, grey, red, and mixed colour squirrels and breeding

-Brings life to forests like songbirds and deer

•Bears

-Mojang bby you literally already have a neutral bear in Minecraft why have you not reskinned it for grizzly/brown/black bears?

-Bear caves

-Hibernating mobs

-Brings more use to the beehives and bees, bears could be attracted to any area that has more than one bee hive with honey

•WOLVES AND DOGS

-They NEED the ocelots and cats update

-More wolf types (red, timber, snow, black, etc)

-Actual wolf packs (the AI would be difficult to program but the doges are worth it)

-Please let the howl at the moon, if foxes get to say ringdingding all night long wolves deserve to be allowed to howl

-More dog breeds (I know that there's no reason for domesticated dog breeds in Minecraft but ACTUALLY THERE IS)

-Hunting dogs like springers that can jump and run faster

-Foxhounds :D

-Most Important Goodest Boy: Herding dogs like collies and sheepdogs

-Herding dogs could be found in plains where cows and sheep spawn and create herds

-LET DOGS LAY DOWN FOR FUCKS SAKE

•Herding

-Instead of having to pen up and enclose your livestock you could form herds of cows and sheep

-Your Goodest Boi herding dog would protect them and move around with them when they graze

-Just soft peaceful minecraft tingz

•Salt licks

-Something SO SMALL but would make SO MUCH HAPPINESS

-Drawing new cows into your herd by putting up a salt lick

-I'm soft

-I guess salt would be a new ore???

•Bird feeders

-idk I think it would be cool

-excess seeds used for SOMETHING

•Raccoons

-The coolness of wolves, the chaos of foxes, the cunning of cats

-thumbs

-be gay do crimes

-can open chests (trigger trap chests to catch them?)

-Fantastic little shits

-Not tameable but will trust players like foxes do

•Snakes

-I know it's a lot to ask and it would be hard to make them look good

-But??? Imagine a tiny lil garter snake in your garden

-unlikely but would be so fantastic

•Rope

-climeable

-please Mojang we need this so badly

-imagine the ships? The bridges? The bell towers and everything?

-super easy to add, just reskin vines and add a string crafting recipie

•Butterflies and Moths

-Bflies could be a unique mob to flower forests and friends with bees

-if moobloom is added they would all be BEST BUDS

-get it "buds" ahahaha

-help with flower polination but just gives a TON of life to flower forests

-We literally have lanterns in minecraft why do we NOT have moths? Such a cool aesthetic addition.

-helps fill both the daytime and nighttime sky

•Hummingbirds

-fourth member of BEST BUDS

-just soft baby

-i love birbs okay

-the only avian who does not work for the bourgeoisie

•Fireflies

-10 million of them please

-they give great hugs

-adds so much atmosphere to the night world

•Cheese

-We have milk

-We have, presumably, goat milk

-Quit being cowards and add butter and cheese

-Butter churn job block for villagers

-V funny bc they have no arms to churn with?? Oh well

•Seashells

-Something decorative and beautiful that could 1) liven up beaches and 2) have snails and crabs inside!

-Mojang plz do not add sand dollars to the game people already don't know how to tell if they're still alive before trying to take them home

•Whales

-WHALES.

-Imagine something as massive as the ender dragon but peaceful. Allows you to stand on them (idk how but make it happen Jeb)

-WHALE SONGS.

-Being so deep and far out into the ocean, and when the moon is high in the sky and you're sitting in your boat, you just hear the beautiful melancholy sounds of the whales in the distance

•Jellyfish

-Idk if y'all know this but the glow squid is a bad idea

-Dream buddy you fucked up, please use your influence to get in contact with Mojang and have them redo the vote. People would have so much regained respect for you if you tried to fix your mistake.

-Also why does a speedrunner get to tell millions of people what mob would bring more life to Minecraft? He's only playing the game for 5 minutes smh

-aNYWAYS

-Jellyfish could literally do everything the glow squid is going to and look better for it AND possibly be neutral instead of peaceful

•Orcas

-Not much to say but it would liven up the frozen water biomes a bit

•Penguins

-You already know why

-Imagine giving a new home to all the Club Penguin players? Legendary.

-Gender doesn't exist in Minecraft but we all know penguins would be hella gay

•Lobsters

-I think they would be cute

-You would NOT BE ABLE TO BOIL THEM ALIVE THANK YOU VERY MUCH

•Mermaids

-Never going to happen since passive mobs are generally real life animals but it would be so cool

•Otters

-they can hold hands

-brings life to the rivers

-super cute

•Frogs and possibly toads

-Swamp gods

-Absolute mad lads

-maybe grow from tadpoles

-wouldn't do much but needed

•Fairy Forests

-NOT Twilight Forests. Not a new dimension.

-Just gentle hidden groves in forests

-ADD FAIRY RING GENERATION TO MINECRAFT.

•Big cats

-Tigers, lions, bobcats, panthers

-Literally anything that could finally add a strong predator possibility to savannahs and jungles

•Zebras and Giraffes

-Shy and skittish

-cannot ride (their skeletal structure is NOT MADE FOR CARRYING HUMANS)

-Super cute tho, brings much needed life to savannahs

•Camels

-The better llama

-Can honestly just be a reskin

-brings much needed life to the desert

-spits and wears carpet and forms caravans like llamas

•Lemurs

-Easier to add to "jungles" than monkeys

-it would be really cool if we could just get a Rainforest biome

-King Julian stans awaken

•Red pandas

-we need them

-cuter than normal pandas and you can @ me

-better idea than sloths or koalas

•More Eldritch Horror Hostile Mobs

-Fun fact time

-The enchanting table language already has Lovecraftian references

-"phnglui mglwnafh cthulhu rlyeh wgahnagl fhtagn" is literally a quote from the enchanting table

-translates to "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."

-Bet you didn't know that fun fact

-aNYWAYS add the Kraken to Minecraft instead of the shitty guardians. Thanks.

-imagine how cool it would be to see lights slowly extinguish as something terrifying and dangerous slowly moves in for the kill

-torches get extinguished and can get relit

-if not relit fast enough Something will be waiting

•Ice statues

-We have giant fossils and ship wrecks and cool stuff like that but please imagine finding a GIANT humanoid ice sculpture in an ice spikes biome

-maybe bones inside to show you that... That wasn't carved or naturally generated.

•Skeletons

-Not a mob but a decoration block

-Found in temples, mineshafts, and caves

-implied to be the remains of miners and explorers

-rare

-also implies that every skeleton you kill has some backstory since they look the same

•Constellations

-Not real world star maps but completely unique to Minecraft

-chance for LOTS of fun references

-The stars are your only companions in an apocalyptic world where you are the last of your kind

-Space is gay minecraft is gay thus minecraft space is gay

•Corn

-we have butter in this list

-we have salt in this list

-popcorn. That is all.

And finally

•Leeks

-mostly a joke but would be a cool crop

-100% a reference to Hatsune Miku the creator of Minecraft

DISCLAIMER: I recognize that mobs are added to Minecraft to serve a purpose within the game and that many of these mobs would be better in mods and such, but I also feel like many of these suggestions would really bring so much more life to parts of the game that really need it. Even if they don't serve a huge purpose, they would still be really amazing additions imo.

I would love to see the ideas and suggestions that other people have for what they want added to Minecraft, please TAG ME if you make a post like this, I wanna hear and read it!

[catsafarithewriter]

“Listen, I didn’t do anything this time, I was just there when things started to fall apart.” with Muta, if you'd please, that just screams him haha. i love your writing!

A/N: The idea for this prompt was inspired by this post. It’s just a bit of fun, with harmless Muta and Haru hijinks and extreme prejudice against polka-dots :) Enjoy!

(No real bowties were harmed in the making of this ficlet) 

x

Haru didn’t even mean to lose the first bowtie. 

Even if it was fugly. 

(“What,” she had demanded upon walking into the Bureau, “is that?”)

(”It’s a bowtie,” Baron had answered, as if he wasn’t wearing a blue polka-dotted monstrosity around his neck. He had righted it with some pride above the yellow  waistcoat it empirically did not match. “It’s one of my old suits; I’ve decided to take it out for a spin. What do you think?”)

(And he had looked so proud of himself that Haru hadn’t had the heart to reply honestly, which had mostly comprised of the genuine question of whether Baron was colour-blind.)

And so Baron, fugly bowtie and all, had accompanied them on the case, and only Baron had returned. 

Purely accidentally, naturally. 

And it honestly had been. There had been a costume change (Baron’s decision, obviously) and then a hurried exit (as usual) and by the time they had all escaped with only a minor dent to their dignity, Haru realised she had forgotten to grab Baron’s bowtie when she had swept everything else up. 

The second bowtie’s loss, however, might have been slightly intentional.

It had been a week after the previous case, and all thoughts of polka dots and fashion monstrosities had been replaced with things like groceries and laundry and trying not to get eaten by ogres. Regular things. 

And then it reappeared. 

Haru swung into the Bureau, already tying her hair back and securing her back over one shoulder when she stopped dead. 

“I came as fast as I got your message - we really need to find a better communication system than Toto dropping envelopes from above - just about anyone could pick it up, and it’s hardly subtle, but then again I guess those kinds of dramatics are right up your -- oh my god, it’s back.”

Baron turned to her, straightening out the tie beneath his collar. “What was that, Miss Haru?”

“The polka dots,” Haru said. “They’re back.”

“Ah yes, Well, as they say, you can’t keep good fashion down.”

“However much they may try,” Haru muttered. Then, “And the waistcoat, I see, is back in full force.”

“I believe yellow is my colour.”

Haru raised an eyebrow, but declined to comment. 

So when they needed something to tie the door-handles together to hinder their pursuers while they made a run for it with the giant’s golden goose, Haru suggested the bowtie with only the barest smidgen of guilt. It was either that or her belt, and she liked that belt. It had flowers decorated on it. 

And so fugly bowtie number two kicked the bucket when the door was kicked in. 

x

The third bowtie was when Haru began to get suspicious. 

After all, she could have believed that the first time, he’d somehow retrieved it without mentioning it to Haru, but there was no way that was the same tie. She’d seen it tear in half beyond repair, get trampled on, and possibly get eaten by one of the giant’s goats, for goodness sake. 

“Eh, maybe it’s a backup, Chicky,” Muta suggested when Haru brought it up mid-case. “Or maybe he grabbed it before it got damaged. You gotta admit, we weren’t exactly taking inventory while we were running for our lives last time.”

“We’ll see about that.”

So, to Haru’s shame - but not enough to reconsider her actions - she may have stolen the horrifying bowtie when (once again) they donned on disguises, and fed it to one of the pond koi. 

A week later, it reappeared. 

x

“It’s a conspiracy, I’m telling you,” Haru hissed to Muta at the Crossroads. She passed across a tuna sandwich to him. “Every time I think it’s been irreparably lost or damaged, there it is! One back-up tie I can believe - but two?”

“Maybe it’s a Creation thing,” Muta suggested around a mouthful of fish. “Like he can summon it back to him cause it’s something that was made alongside him.”

“Summon it?” Haru echoed. “Like in Harry Potter?” She had the fleeting, but no less amusing, image of bowties flying through the air like silken bats. She grinned, and then refocused on the mystery at hand. “We’ve got to get to the bottom of this.”

Muta yawn. “Have ya tried asking him?”

“Where’s the fun in that? Come on, this is a mystery, Muta.”

“You’ve already asked him, haven’t you?” he translated.

Haru deflated. “Yeah. He said that a gentleman never reveals his secrets.”

“Typical Baron.”

“Yeah.”

“So what do you need from me?”

Haru grinned. “We need to see how many lives that tie has.”  

x

It was frankly, Haru considered, quite amazing how many different ways one could destroy a bowtie if one got inventive enough. And, given the variety of worlds they visited, they had plenty chance to get creative. 

Bowtie number six bit the dust when it found its way - somehow - into the belly of an active volcano. 

Bowtie number nine got eaten by a plant.

Bowtie thirteen grew wings and flapped off into the sunset after a wayward wizard’s spell went rogue. 

And yet they kept reappearing. 

x

“Do you think he knows?”

Muta looked up from the newspaper he was flicking through. “Who knows what?”

“Baron,” Haru said. “About the bowties?”

Muta considered this, then folded down his paper to fix Haru with a solid stare. “Do I think,” he asked, “that Baron knows we’re systematically destroying his terrible polka dot tie after the kraken incident?”

Haru winced. “Good point.” 

“I mean, I ain’t gonna tell you how to scheme, but maybe tackling Baron in the middle of a sea monster attack and trying to fend it off with a tie.”

Haru nodded, lips pursed as she came to the inevitable conclusion. “So he’s toying with us.”

“Yep.”

 She continued to nod. “That explains why he looks so smug whenever he reappears with it.”

“Oh. So you finally noticed.”

“Well we can be sure it’s not accio-ing its way back to him,” Haru said. “After all, it’d be incinerated after the chimera incident. He has to have multiple bowties.”

“Maybe he’s ordering them in,” Muta offered. 

“Maybe, but...” Haru frowned. “That implies he has a tailor.”

“We’d have heard about that.”

“Yeah.” She considered. “He’d have strong-armed his tailor into making him a cape or cloak by now. Maybe he orders them wholesale from an online company.”

Muta snorted. “With his technology prowess?”

“...True.”

There was a long pause. 

“Of course,” Muta said slowly, “there’s always the possibility that he has a whole wardrobe of them. Like you see in the movies. Just hundreds of polka-dot monstrosities carefully folded in a drawer.”

Haru and Muta exchanged glances. 

“We really shouldn’t nosy...” Haru said, but without conviction.

“We shouldn’t...”

“But we’re gonna to, aren’t we?”

Muta grinned. “I knew there was a reason I got on with you, Chicky.”

x

Haru looked around the Bureau’s interior in despair, and then to Muta for help. “You know, I never thought about this, but there aren’t any wardrobes in here.”

“Where did he get the bowtie from in the first place?”

“He... You know, I don’t have the foggiest? He was already wearing it when I first saw it.”

“Eh.”

“Yeah, I know. Helpful.” Haru ran her hands through her hair. “I’ll look through the desk drawers, you check the books for... I don’t know, a hidden door or something.”

“Really?”

“Do you have any better ideas?”

“What about up there?” And Muta pointed to a series of boxes carefully stacked on the top of the bookshelves.

Haru looked up. And then up. And then some. “Pass me the ladder.”

“Are ya sure--”

“We’re getting to the bottom of this, Muta!”

He shrugged and collected up the ladder leaning against the corner, pulling it open and holding it in place. “Up yer go.”

“You know, this is all very weird,” Haru said as she scaled the steps. She glanced down at Muta. Or over at him, since the few steps granted her on eye-level with him. “I mean, there really aren’t any wardrobes in here, and Baron...”

“Face it, Chicky; how often have you seen him switch up his clothes?”

She wrinkled her nose. “No, I mean... no, he must change sometime...”

“Creations are weird, kid. You’ll get used to it.”

“I don’t want to get used to it. I want answers. I want -- I want...” She stuttered as she tried to pull the boxes loose, but they jammed. She tugged at them, and the shelf wobbled. “Come -- on -- out-- you -- stupid -- box --got it!” She gave a cry of triumph as she heaved one box away. “Hah! Oh.”

“What’s in the box?”

“Hm, well it’s not bowties.” 

There was a creak, and before Muta could ask anything more, the bookshelf began to lean precariously away from the wall. Haru squeaked, Muta yowled, and both dropped everything to grab the shelves before gravity could take over. 

The creaking stopped. 

Haru exhaled. “Well, that was a close call--”

The next bookshelf over toppled forward.

And then the one on the other side went. 

When the dust finally cleared, there was an audible sigh from both. 

“Okay, so that was--”

“Not another word to tempt fate, Chicky.” 

“I was only going to say--”

“No.”

“But--”

“Nada.” 

 Haru pouted. “You say that like you’ve never made a mess in your life.” 

“What in the world is going on here?”

Haru and Muta both spun on their heels to see Baron standing in the doorway, and as their grip slipped, the middle bookcase finally gave way. Haru squealed and leapt out of the way before she could be squashed beneath it.

Muta raised his paws defensively. “Listen, I didn’t do anything this time, I was just there when things started to fall apart.” 

“Baron. Baron, Baron, Baron.” Haru skidded over the chaos, stumbling against the desk that had narrowly avoided becoming a casualty, and reached Baron. “How do your bowties keep reappearing? I need to know!”

Baron gently set his top hat to one side, returning to old habits to deal with the fact that the Bureau had looked better when a tornado spirit had invaded the building. “That is what this is all about?”

“...Well, when you put it like that, it sounds so silly...”

“Just tell them, Baron,” Toto called from the internal balcony. He had arrived when Baron had, and the smile on his beak implied he had known the mystery that had plagued Muta and Haru and had taken great joy in watching the drama unfold. “Before they decide to blow up my column looking for your secret bowtie stash.”

Baron nodded. “Very well. Please watch.” He reclaimed his hat and carefully exhaled, sparks of magic flowing up and over him as he reverted to his inanimate form. 

“Is this his way of running from the answer?” Muta stage-whispered.

“Keep watching, pudding-brain.”

Sparks flew up again as Baron returned to his flesh and blood form, but as he did so, subtle changes took place. The classy red waistcoat shifted colour, like someone dragging a swatch through a colour wheel until it rested on yellow, and the royal-blue bowtie became blotchy, making way for white polka dots that had drawn Haru’s attention so strongly in the first place. 

By the time Baron was blinking the gemstone glaze from his eyes, Haru’s jaw had dropped. 

“You can shapeshift?”

“Not exactly.” Baron righted his tie, as if it hadn’t been perfectly straight before. “All Creations have a default appearance that we can subtly alter as our personalities and style shift. I can not grow wings or a second tail, but I can nudge the set pattern of my waistcoat or - in this case - bowtie to fit my liking.”

Toto cackled. “You should have seen his experimental stage. He had grey fur for a decade before he went back to ginger.”

“Yes, thank you, Toto,” Baron said curtly. “We all go through phases.”

 “Louise laughed until she cried,” Toto informed them. “She said that they looked like they were cosplaying as yin and yang if they stood together.”

“Thank you, Toto.”

“Please tell me there are photos somewhere,” Haru begged.

“There are,” Baron said. “In there.” And he pointed to the pile of books smothered beneath the toppled shelves. He raised an eyebrow at Muta and Haru. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, kinda forgot about that...”

Muta trundled over to the mess, but Haru lingered a moment longer with Baron. She leant in. “Just for the record, I think you look great, regardless of your fashion sense.”

He grinned knowingly. “Even with the polka dots?”

She kissed his cheek. “Don’t push your luck.”

[lovelylogans]

PRINCESS BRIDE AU

BC I CAN also i just rewatched it and it’s one of my fav movies so

LOGICALITY/PRINXIETY BUCKLE IT UP

please. please. y’all already know roman is buttercup. upcoming royal??? yeah it’s roman, obvi

westley is virgil. 1. bc he was socially awkward to the point of throwing himself down a hill as a way to communicate to his former love that he’s actually alive, 2. westley’s snark is iconic

logan is inigo. bc he studied for years and years under the greatest swordsmen. like, canonically. boy is inigo. 

patton is fezzik. partially bc i like the idea of gentle giant patton and partially bc of the way he nursed everyone back to health (inigo from drunk stuff, westley from death) and also like he’s so soft and gentle and the end where he gets two white horses???? it’s patton y’all

deceit is humperdinck. on a related note, please let deceit’s canon name be on the level of ridiculousness of humperdinck @ thomas and co i’m begging

vizzini is uhhh. uh. hm. you know what. full absurdity here it’s the dragon witch (you know how the dragon witch was like a throwaway character except i’m basically shoehorning her into every fic i have?)

(the magician and his wife who resurrect westley are now joan and talyn, i don’t make the rules, except i do)

also tw mentions of suicide, and also torture 

ACTUAL PLOT UNDER CUT

so! roman as the slightly bratty upcoming lord of the land or whatever on the farm, and virgil as the farmboy

virgil is a Useless Gay and as such whenever roman asks him to do anything he just “as you wish” and tries hard not to be too obvious about staring at him and covers up his affection with snark

roman, who is an Equally Useless Gay, just kinda. keeps giving virgil these useless commands (”farmboy! ....um. hand me those reigns!” “...the ones... you’re holding?” “THE OTHER REIGNS” “....as you wish”)

eventually roman does a “farmboy. fetch me that pitcher.” and virgil does and whispers “as you wish” and roman grabs him by his lapels and brings him in for a kiss

virgil however fully recognizes that he has to up his social class in order to be with roman so he goes sailing before they can marry but the dread pirate anx attacks

roman is devastated, ofc, and makes the “i’ll never love again” vow

let’s do the time warp again!

five years later!

roman’s accepted a proposal from deceit, bc 1. he’s the prince and 2. if he’s gonna be miserable may as well be miserable in a high social standing, right

plus he always kinda dreamed of being a prince as a kid, didn’t he? maybe this way he can enact some change

it is hard to remember such things when he is trotted out in the public square like a prize goat, but he clings to it regardless

except!

he goes out riding (one of the only things he still loved) before the wedding and gets knocked out by the dragon witch and co.

logan and his husband fiancé boyfriend (?) patton have mostly accepted this job bc they need money, and keep accepting the job bc... well, money

logan swears they’ll get out of it and he’ll find the six-fingered man, and patton doesn’t like the unscrupulousness of it but. well. they have to eat somehow

and he debates with the dragon witch about and he goes “you were not hired for brains!” “but i was,” logan says coolly, sharpening his sword. “and if you speak to him like that again, you’ll see precisely the other reason you hired me.”

yeah they don’t like it

anyways logan starts the fast/alas harm/charm rhyme game with patton to cheer him up. and then they keep it up bc it annoys the dragon witch

roman wakes up and logan notices someone following him (spoiler it’s virgil) and the dragon witch threatens roman. everyone on the boat hates the dragon witch, basically

but roman jumps into the shrieking eel-infested waters, swimming to the boat, bc as miserable as he is he doesn’t wanna be murdered for a war

patton ends up smacking the eel on the nose and bringing roman into the boat, huddling over him protectively and asking if he’s okay

roman gives him a why would you care look, and patton gives him some extra food as sympathy

the CLIFFS of INSANITY!!

and patton climbs them all up, shortly followed by the Mysterious Masked Man

“INCONCEIVABLE!!” and the dragon witch cuts the rope, and the masked man managed to cling to the rocks

the dragon witch makes to leave logan behind and patton looks anxious and logan smiles and shakes his head and says “i’ll be fine” “just... be careful, okay? people in masks can’t be trusted” and they kiss and the dragon witch urges patton and roman on

basically as soon as the dragon witch is out of earshot logan calls down to him

“slow going?” “look, i don’t mean to be rude, but this isn’t as easy as it looks. i’d appreciate if you didn’t distract me.” “sorry.” “thank you”

five seconds later... “i don’t suppose you could speed things up?” “look, if you’re in such a hurry, you could throw down some rope or something?” “well i’m not sure if you’d accept. i mostly want you to speed up so i can fight you. potentially to the death.” “...that does put a damper on our relationship.”

ten seconds later... “look, okay, i’ll throw down the rope, and step back from it.” “why do you want to help me so bad?” “well, that sword you’re carrying.” and then he goes on a tirade of how that exact blade and how beat up it is etc. is evidence of a good swordsman and it’s been  a g e s  since logan’s had a good duel

“...all right, fine. anyone told you, you talk too much?” “i could rescind that rope offer--” “on seCOND THOUGHT”

so virgil reaches the top and logan offers him a breather until they duel, and logan lays out his backstory in all kinds of matter-of-fact language

he tells the story of the six-fingered man after virgil catches him looking closely at his hands, and explains that he went from studying sword-making to sword-fighting after the death of his father, along with the twin scars on his face

he also explains the whole “we’re working with the witch to pay the bills” kind of thing and also patton

“you seem a decent fellow. i hate to kill you.” “you seem a decent fellow. i hate to die.”

do yourself a favor watch the swordfight again it’s glorious (that link also includes the inigo/westley convo)

logan, a nerd, lists off the routines. virgil, also a nerd, offers counterpoints

it’s the debate, basically. it’s their debate but with swords

“who are you?” “no one of consequence.” “i must know.” “get used to disappointment.”

logan gets his sword knocked out of his hand, and very matter-of-factly says “kill me quickly. and tell patton--tell patton--”

“i’m not going to kill you, for goodness sake’s. i’ve never had an equal like this. however, i can’t have you following me, either.” and whacks logan over the head

meanwhile, they see virgil coming up over the hill, and the dragon witch takes roman and leaves patton (who is worrying VERY MUCH as if he got past logan then--)

virgil comes up over the hill to a rock thrown at him and smashed very near his head. he whirls around, bringing up the sword, and patton emerges from behind the rock, another rock uplifted.

“what did you do with logan?!”

“he’s alive, just unconscious.”

“oh thank god,” and he lowers the rock, beaming. “this business is so dangerous the only reason we stick with it is because we’re broke” “well, understandable. i did the same for five years.”

“...so, uh, what now?” “i just kinda figured. well. i don’t want that nice prince to die. if you’re trying to save him, you can knock me out. i’ll kneel to make it easier for you, if you like.” “well that’s very kind of you”

ft. battle of iocaine powder, with a blindfolded roman, and virgil smirking as the dragon witch rattles off the varieties of reasoning (”you fell victim to one of the classic blunders!”) and eventually swaps glasses and dies anyways

virgil crosses over and unties the blindfold

“who are you?” “no one to trifle with. and that’s all you need to know.” “to think--yours was poisoned!” “no. i’ve spent the past five years building up an immunity to iocaine powder.”

eventually virgil lets roman stop to catch his breath and roman promises ransom, adding that deceit is a fantastic tracker

“you admit to me you do not love your fiancé” “he knows i do not love him” “are not capable of it, you mean” and roman draws himself up to his full height

“i have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream--”

virgil snarls and pulls roman along, keeping going before they get caught by deceit

eventually roman snaps that he knows he’s the dread pirate anx, admit it! and virgil does, and roman snarls that he can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces, etc etc etc

virgil, kind of testing him, asks about the love that he apparently killed. who is “poor and perfect, with the most beautiful eyes” and they bicker more and more, virgil saying “i remember this farm boy, i think.” and talking a game about how he died well and said “please. please, i need to live.” because he had true love

they bicker more and more and roman screams “i DIED that day!” and they see deceit’s horses, and roman snarls “you can die too for all i care before shoving him down the hill

“AAAAAS..... YOUUUUUUU... WIIIIIIIIISH”

and roman immediately throws himself down the hill after him

deceit realizes they’re heading to the fire swamp

roman and virgil have their sappy reunion “you’re alive! if you want, i can fly!” and the “death cannot stop true love. only delay it for a while” 

and then... fire swamp

roman gets a bit singed by the fire, and virgil explains how he took the dread pirate anx is actually multiple people; ryan, cummerbund, etc etc, while carrying roman through the forest. and then he sets him down and basically immediately roman gets sucked into lightning sand, and then the rous’

they make it out of the fire swamp and straight into deceit’s calvalcade, ft. six-fingered man

“you mean you wish to surrender to me? very well, i accept”

but also roman sees them trying to kill virgil and basically surrenders so they promise not to hurt him

“i thought you were dead once. it almost destroyed me. i can’t do it again.” and deceit whisks him onto his horse before he can say a proper goodbye to virgil

virgil gets knockt out and taken to the pit of despair

(fun fact: the henchperson in the pit of despair in the movie terrified me so much as a kid, oh my god)

anyways they clean his wounds and basically prep him for the Death Machine

roman, meanwhile, is moping quietly around the castle, as deceit basically covers for it with his father’s failing health. roman has stress dreams and nightmares about the wedding, before he marches to deceit’s office and declares that he will be dead by the morning after their wedding

deceit simpers that he could never cause roman grief, and they’ll alert virgil’s ship, etc., all that, and casts some shade, but roman stays strong. eventually they make a deal that if virgil wants roman, sure, but if not, please consider deceit as an alternative to death.

deceit reveals that he hired the dragon witch, as they walk to the pit of despair, and the six-fingered man starts virgil up on the Torture

after that, logan and patton (since reunited) are having a merry old time knocking people out in the thieves’ forest and avoiding arrest, when patton at last reveals the discovery of the six-fingered man

CHANGE OF PLANS, logan declares, and basically drags patton into this plan. he also needs, well, another swordsman, so he may as well go looking for...

virgil! who is Suffering, highkey, when deceit struts into the room. roman has since figured out his letters to virgil haven’t been sent, and he is. Angry About It, which makes deceit Angry at him and roman has basically been locked away until the wedding

back to virgil! as deceit is ranting about the true love, which is a once in a century ordeal, and so deceit snarls “then no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will” and cranks the machine up to fifty

and uh. he ded y’all

not before screaming loud enough for basically the whole country to hear, including logan and patton!

who move towards the screaming, and are basically like “well, we’re in the middle of a forest, now what” until they stumble along the henchperson, who gets Knocked soundly along the head until he reveals the pit

they cart out virgil’s body to joan and talyn, and logan basically tells them that it would greatly displease deceit and so they have their whole thing (and TO BLAAAVE, which means to bluff! and rewatch the whole situation because it’s so funny and also like. oh my god. joan and talyn as miracle max and valerie)

so they get him the little chocolate covered miracle pill and haul virgil out

“bye bye, boys! have fun storming the castle!”

they feed him the miracle pill, but, uh, virgil’s physicality is....... incredibly limited

“let me explain! no, there’s too much. roman’s marrying deceit’s in less than half an hour. so we gotta break into the castle. and i have to kill count rogen.”

“great. the only trouble is i can’t move and there are sixty guards on that door”

basically they come up with the whole, like, demon entrance plan, which is hilarious, and come upon the head guard

“give us the gate key.” “i have no gate key.” “i see. patton, tear his arms off.” “oh you mean this gate key!”

wedding is happening, which.

“mawwaige..... mawwage is what bwings us togezzer... today.”

oh my god. oh my god it’s the precursor to the hewwo meme

anyways they keep talking “wuvvvvv.... TWU wuv!” and deceit snaps they speed up for it and they get the shortest vows ever

deceit gets roman taken to the honeymoon suite by his parents and he goes racing out to face virgil, logan, and patton, who is carrying virgil

in comes the six-fingered man, and six guards, who logan slays with ease

“hello. my name is logan sanders. you killed my father. prepare to die.”

dude fuckin sprints outta there, and logan follows

meanwhile, patton continues calmly carrying virgil until logan starts shouting for him to break down a door

patton gently installs virgil into the arms of a knight thing and stops logan from basically knocking his head against the door, before punching it down for him, and going back to get virgil

roman’s being escorted by the queen, who he gently kisses on the cheek

“what was that for?”

“you’ve always been so kind to me. and i’ll be killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.”

“....won’t that be nice. HE KISSED ME!”

logan has his Badass Fight and gets jabbed pretty bad in the stomach, but not before enacting his awesome revenge

roman dully enters the suite, and preps to stab himself in the chest, until he hears a voice from the bed

“there are very few perfect chests in the world. it’d be a pity to damage yours.”

“VIRGIL! OH, VIRGIL!”

and he rushes to kiss and hug him, and basically virgil reveals he can’t move all that much right now and is in a fair bit of pain

“won’t you forgive me?” “what did you do?” “i got married” “well, did you say i do?” “well... no.” “then you didn’t get married. don’t you agree, highness?”

and roman whirls around to see deceit

and virgil gives the badass to the pain speech

god it’s so. yes.

and virgil manages to stumble to his feet and hold out his sword, snarling “drop. your. sword.”

it’s scary enough that deceit basically immediately forfeits, and roman ties him up, beaming

logan stumbles into the room, holding his stomach “where’s patton?!” “i thought he was with you!” 

and they hear patton calling from the window, beaming and holding the reigns to four white horses

and they uh... happily ever after, running away together, to Be Gay and Do Crime

[ultranervousbouquetprincess-blog]

180 Hackensack Ave, Hackensack, NJ, United States

180 Hackensack Ave, Hackensack, NJ, United States

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