#theyre each others constant. theyve been through everything together.

[lyricalchrysanthemum]

pokemashe sinnoh trio relationship chart ft two joke ones

[isabelopaque]

hi. resident mac fanatic.

tonight im thinkin about mac's love language seeming to be doing acts of service. he loves helping out, doing constant little favors for those he loves. we mostly see this manifest through dennis, but like. cmon. i think hes been doing shit like this for joyce since they were wee babies.

mac clinging desperately to the only friend he has, constantly offering to be the one to go collect the rocks they throw, to grab their school papers, to find whatever substances they wanna do together. by now, i like to think its second nature. whenever one of the pair would need to get up and grab something, mac would always do it. whenever the duo needed to be defended, mac was the one defending. it just becomes kinda a wordless thing after a while- its second nature to them.

of course, its not like joyce didnt contribute. she was conversation, a breath of fresh air in macs crushing neglect. she always had something for them both to do, to bond over. she always gave mac a reason to laugh and smile and a place to talk for ages and at least be somewhat listened to. she was always the one nodding along and affirming how cool mac was while she placed the bandaids over his scrapes, or helped hold the ice pack to his bruises.

being friends with joyce often meant mac got hurt. he couldnt watch people insult her (and, of course, him too) and just stand around, he always had to do something. joyce always had someone fighting so hard for her. in return, mac had someone to fight for, someone to be able to cling to. to ask "was that cool?" "did i do a good job?" "do you think they were scared?" and always get a proud "yeah, definitely".

all this reminiscing comes while they smoke skunk weed and mac is painting joyces nails. by this point theyre teary eyed, and theyve been holding hands for a while now, and they had just gotten done talking about how much theyve always cared about each other.

"not to sound gay or anything," mac breaks the silence first, always the one to make the first move in everything between them. "but- do you think we'd be best friends no matter what? like- no matter who we could have been born as, we always would have ended up finding each other?"

joyce lets a moment of silence linger in the air.

"i think youve been smoking too much weed, you sound like a total hippie."

"....yeah. yeah, i- hehe, i guess so. but-"

"yeah. i think we'd be friends no matter what, even if- we were born as cats, or whatever."

theres a quiet, shared moment of warm smiles exchanged between them, simply happy to have made the other happy, in a never ending cycle of content emotions for the two.

"thanks, joyce."

i hope its an enjoyable read i had to squeeze the last part out a little rushed i hope its not too bad >~<

IM GONNA CRY FOREVER. THISIS SO BEAUTIFUL

[boypussydilf]

oh my god, talk about the doctor and the master now. i accidentally typoed doctor as cocter at first. cockter. is this anything

the cockter. timecock. i am the doctor and this is my cock. im so sorry. everyone look at my immortal freaks . there are no cocks involved. um originally i wasnt gonna put this post under a readmore bc for some reason i wasnt expecting it to get long but like, it did, so, n. now those sentences r gonna be all anyone sees unless they click through. that’s great

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

BY GOD!!! they’re childhood friends. …i think. i think its said or at least implied that they knew each other As Actual Kids and not, like… however the fuck old they were in The Academy. im saying they knew each other as kids. played in each others backyards or whatever the fuck baby time lords do. anyway. childhood friends childhood BEST friends who Continued to be best friends for the rest of their lives because they’re so similar theyre practically like the same person. except for that the master let the society they were raised in & their own ego get to them and goes around believing they Deserve completely to be obeyed and served and get to do whatever the fuck they Want, and the doctor on the other hand had a granddaughter to take care of and then he meets humans and learns The Wonders Of Compassion by force. They are the same person on different paths and are forced to be enemies because of it. “Forced” by their own decisions and worldviews, but still. They were best friends who promised to Be Together Forever and then they left each other and they both just want to go back to being best friends and doing everything they planned, SO badly, but neither of them is going to budge from their own way of thinking, so all they get is little bits of banter and the hope that maybe they can convert the other one to THEIR side and scraps and echoes of what they could have if they had each other.

And also they try to kill each other. Mostly the master tries to kill the doctor. He actually SUCCEEDED one time but yknow, regeneration.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

oh fuck before i do anything else i need to go look for one fic thst isnt actually related to any part of this except being about them I FINALLY FUCKING FOUND IT. GOD. i dont think i have time to reread it tonight though. sad. SO ANYWAY. they are one of those pairs where like. I like them so much for specifically exactly what they are in canon instead of for Potentials and visions i have in my head. they’re perfect the way they are. I mean that technically varies from era to era of the show because different writers but…. the core concept is always pretty much the same and it’s good. they’re good the way they are.

I do have to dedicate a line to the headcanon people have that twelve & missy were fucking in the vault. Sorry. Yknow i think ive seen two different fics where bill refers to it as “the sex vault” in her mind in passing. Reasonable conclusion i guess

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

i like wanting something you can’t have & wishing to go back to something you can never return to, and i like character foils and people who are just variations on the same concept, constant reminders of what you could’ve been if you’d taken 1 different step. and also i like when they make stupid jokes at each other like the fate of the world isnt at stake or like they arent about to fight each other or so on

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

*taps literally just the entire summary of their relationship*

Ok that and like …. they both on some level see each other as the only person in the universe who can TRULY understand them. They’re Time Lords for gods sake theyve had superiority complexes ingrained in them since 5 minutes after they were born (or loomed, whatevers to your liking) and even the Doctor isn’t completely immune to like. Oh my massive alien brain and two thousand year life means you humans can never really Get My Feelings. which is sort of fair but not really. And they’re both, like, basically exiled from their home- when their home EXISTS gallifrey is destroyed with all the time lords dead every other week but like the rest of the time it isn’t. anyway they’re both Renegade Time Lords, they decided to Leave and to interfere in the lives of Outsiders and they have broken like every law that exists and they are no longer welcome home. So with both of them thinking they’re Above any other species, as much as the doctor tries not to, and both of them being unable to turn to any other members of their own species, they look at each other and go. You’re the only motherfucker in this universe who can handle me. You’re the only person who can get me. You’re the only place i can go to for real true complete understanding. Please come back to me so we can be bitches together.

they’re also each other’s Exceptions <3 the master will just kill people instantly with no hesitation no second thought and no remorse. and like. Technically regeneration makes it. harder to die. what with the coming back to life thing. but there are ways around that. The master could straight up kill the doctor forever they could’ve done it already if they wanted to. but they don’t bc they care and theyre hoping they can still be friends again. And the doctor tries not to kill people, generally, but some threats outweigh that. If there’s someone with a bomb that can end all life in the universe, and they can’t be reasoned with or incapacitated, but you do have a gun, shoot them in the head. On the other hand, the master poses a very significant threat to a lot of people all the time and the doctors like. ican’t kill them tho. theyre my friend :( Doctor people are dying

favorite interaction they have in canon

the scene in. i think its the sea devils? where they have like a 3 minute long swordfight and towards the end the doctor has the master’s sword and is holding him at swordpoint. stops to steal one of his sandwiches and take a bite. then gives his sword back to keep fighting bc hes having fun.

also like. literally every time they interact in series 10. itsall so fucking good but thats also very nonspecific so mmmm. the whole bit at the end of the eaters of light, with the doctor going “that’s the trouble with hope, it’s hard to resist”, and saying, maybe the master’s turning Good, but maybe it’s all an act, and her agreeing, “yes, that sounds like something I’d do” and it’s so- s10 is so fucking good, man, and they manage to play it JUST right so that up until the last minute you really just… dont… know. maybe the master is actually changing. maybe she really is feeling remorse and remembering compassion maybe she really does want to be good and maybe she really is trying and maybe she really is getting there. but maybe its just an act. a trap. another trick from a master of disguises. a way to get under the doctor’s skin. you can think one way or the other but you can never feel certain until the moment she literally kills her past self to turn around and side with the doctor. to go fight alongside her friend, to go Do Good, despite the fact that she’d be walking directly into a hopeless situation, a certain death, there is no benefit to this there won’t even be a victory and she’s doing it anyway, and maybe she wouldn’t do that on her own, not yet, but she’ll do it to be by her best friend while he makes another one of his stupid, stupid decisions.

and then she dies, and he has no idea she ever turned around. but it’s the thought that counts. without hope, without witness, without reward.

doctor who series 10 is just *clenches fist* god. the master just wants to live. the master just wants their friend back. these are the things that keep coming back. these are some of the most crucial aspects. and. and. and s10 is. she wants those things so badly that she will give up everything else she has, she’ll change her entire life, become a completely different person, however long it takes, however difficult it is, all for those two things. this just became about the master for a while i think. thats ok.

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

Oh god oh fuck i dont have anything for this ummm. I am so fucking tired. I want them to take a nap there we go thats it post wrapped thanks for coming everybody

[yes-feratu]

I've been so wiped out bc of school that I havent had time to be creative but recently I've been wanting to think abt the logistics of Ame and Eng's first time aleeping together 🤔 I'm of multiple minds when it comes to this (like I am w everything bc I am incapable of decision making), but since I'm a huuuge sucker for accidental, unintended spur of the moment acts of desperation, I've recently been toying w the idea that after Alfred officially becane involved in WWII, there was a moment where the stresses that both him and Arthur were feeling came to a head and what started out as bickering bw them ended up as a desperate, eager quickie that by the end of it theyre both like. What. What the fuck just happened.

Afterwards they become kind of...avoidant w one another. Which is weird to outsiders bc it was like, over the course of the war these years of bitter personal feelings seemingly started to melt away at long last, especially thru the efforts of Roosevelt and Churchill and stuff so higher ranking officials were watching them finally start to get along and its like! Hey! Nice! But I feel like tensions started to get really high bc well, the war ofc, but also on personal levels its like...Alfred knows his feelings for Arthur that hes had for him since he was young never truly went away, and Arthur started gaining feelings for Al during WWI that he has no intention of sorting through and dealing w, so idk...I can see some scenarios where Arthur tries to treat Alfred as tho he's incapable and young compared to Arthur's wordliness that starts to aggravate Al again bc he's been proving that he isn't just some kid and, he's been doing that since all the years of his establishment as his own nation, and juuuust when he was thinking that maybe he has a chance at being more to Arthur than some childish idiot Arthur 'proves' him wrong. But he isn't wrong, Arthur has seen him as a force to be reckoned w since the Great War, he's just having a hard time with realizing and accepting that perhaps the great glory of the British empire is truly coming to an end and the world is making way for a new era of big players.

Anyways, they go from becoming friendly to being stuck together constantly and going crazy from such constant contact after years and years of distance that they start fighting again, and everyone notices, and then...well, one day an argument like seemingly any other theyve had ends up w them fucking, and after that they just become so painfully awkward and avoidant around each other bc neither of them are ready to confront all the emotions that led to them fucking in the first place.

And its ROUGH. I like to think abt Alfred's perspective a lot (bc hes my fave and my baby) and I feel like initially he's running away from the situation w his tail between his legs, but he's also had it bad for Arthur for basically as long as he can remember so he's the first one to really want to push to talk about it w Arthur after the war. Its Arthur who's the scared one, who doesn't even wanna breach the subject and all its implications bc maybe it'd force him to stop and realize that he's harboring feelings for the person that represents the nation that his own nation's power is threatened by. Bc of this I feel like it'd take them quite awhile after the war to actually sit down and talk about it, but once they do, they fall really fast into being in an exclusive relationship w one another

[thepringlesofblood]

thoughts on stranger things three  (spoilers. so many.)

this is just me yellin into the void as usual, but I like recording my opinions on things even if no one will read them 

good:

- every single scene w/ the robin, steve, erica, dustin gang, especially!!! the coming out scene. scoops?? iconic. steve and dustin’s secret handshake? transcendent. the drugged out back to the future scene? perfect. 

- eleven and max say fuck the patriarchy. love el’s new look 

- more competent women is always a win

- funhouse fight!!! carnival fight!!!FIREWORKS??!??!

- the destruction of the mall (sadly the only anticapitalist symbolism I could find)

- the scene after jonathan and nancy get fired where they’re angry about their separate marginalized identities making this loss worse. I really liked how it went into the ways it will impact both of them, and I especially liked when nancy got home and talked to her mom. 

- joyce going buckwild and getting shit done. 

- the portrayal of hypervigilance as a symptom of PTSD. All of these characters have seen some shit, and all of them pick up on the littlest things the second they present themselves because subconsciously, they’re always on edge, always aware of bad it could break. 

- most of will’s character arc. not all, but most of it. the queer experience of watching all your friends get dates and feeling like you’re missing out on something? trying to regain their interest because you feel lost and left behind? worrying that you’re not “growing up” because you don’t recognize romantic interest in yourself? not realizing you’re falling for your best friend until they get a romantic partner and suddenly you hate the partner even though they haven’t done anything wrong? a poignant, beautiful, very painful portrayal of queer teenhood. I really, really wish there was a moment that the audience realized will was in love with mike though. Like, it’s been building for a very long time. Also, a more thorough confirmation of will’s queerness would’ve been nice. I think they meant mike saying “you don’t understand bc you don’t like girls” to be that confirmation, but I want to hear it from will. Robin’s moment is so so so good though. 

- domestic fuckery 

- getting someone on the inside to help them/alexei as a character. not the symbolism or larger ramifications of his character arc, but how his knowledge and personality interacted. 

- mr clarke!!!!

- el going into someone’s memories again

- how prepared everyone is to fight because they’ve seen this shit before and robin and erica are just like ‘this might as well happen’ 

- keeping with the stranger things pattern of having a bunch of different groups of people all in different genres and then together they all meet up and go ?????

- I know every says billy didn’t get enough of a redemption arc but tbh I did not see his character development as redeeming in any way and I liked that. It didn’t excuse his abusive actions, it just explained them. There was no “oh he was secretly good all along”, no dramatic total character reversal on his death bed, just him deciding that he had enough of being controlled. Max didn’t get full closure with him, he didn’t say some big speech about being wrong or realizing the ramifications of his actions bc he hadn’t reached that point yet. he just said “I’m sorry” and died. that could mean “i’m sorry for how I’ve treated you”, “I’m sorry for how many people I’ve killed”, “I’m sorry for not being able to stop the monster”, anything. we don’t know what it means. we don’t get an explanation. It speaks to how survivors of abuse often don’t get to know why, don’t get closure, don’t get all the answers. 

- steve finally won a fight before getting the shit kicked out of him

- the whole no one knowing anything about each other bc no cell phones and/or wasnt there when It Happened. 

- Erica getting the DND set was poetic cinema 

- when joyce sees will on the firetruck and they run towards each other because finally, for once, will is completely unscathed, will isn’t the one who got hurt/possessed. I was already crying but this is the part where i had to get tissues bc I was sobbing. 

Bad:

- the red scare bullshit and glorification of capitalism. this show started out as “the US govt is doing shady shit” and now the big climatic “everything’s alright” is the army getting there?? what the fuck. There’s being accurate to the time period and then there’s sending a message. they could’ve subverted that trope in so many ways, but they just went for straight up “capitalism is great! fuck russia!” and I hated that. also, talk about one-note villainry. there weren’t even any dramatic monologues to make up for it, it just kinda sucked. 

- Hopper’s character in the beginning of the season. the scene where he gets wasted after getting stood up? shitty. not talking to el about his vaguely sexist overprotective actions? shitty. blowing up at joyce for no reason? shitty. he pulls it together in the end but it was OOC for a bit there. Plus I would kill for more “hopper and el work through their trauma together”, rather than “friend group splinters bc hopper did a yell” 

- I don’t know what to think about hopper’s death. It just hurts, and not in a satisfying, last harry potter book way. 

- why the fuck are the byers and el moving?????? did they ever give a reason???? WHY?????? WILL AND EL’S ENTIRE SUPPORT NETWORK, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH AND CAN HELP THEM, IS IN HAWKINS!!!!!

- the ads. omg the ads. lucas idc about your fucking coke. there’s so much goddamn product placement. christ on a goddamn bicycle. 

- previous seasons have had body horror, but it was all black goo so it was removed from reality and conveyed a psychological, otherworldly horror. and I liked that. WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH FUCJING MEAT IN THIS ONE??? THE MIND FLAYER LOOKED LIKE IT WAS MADE OF BBQ SAUCE AND I HATED IT!!! STOP!!!THE MEATS!!!!!

- can el not be injured......for oNCE?????

- also can people stop standing around staring at shit so much? theyve seen it before. it’s not like it’s a huge shock. people stand around for like 5 minutes before Doing Things and it annoys me. with the New Kids like erica and robin it makes sense but like....whenever theres a monster mike just sits there like :o cOME ON DUDE YOU’VE DONE THIS SO MANY TIMES GET A KNIFE OR SOMETHIN!!!

- WHAT. WAS. THE GREEN STUFF?????????????????? IS IT FUCKING PLUTONIUM OR SOMETHING???? WHAT THE FUCK!!! IF YOU NEED A MACGUFFIN BE LESS OBVIOUS ABOUT IT!!!

- idk about you but murray yelling at them about sex kinda rubbed me the wrong way. 

- speaking of, you caNNOT convince me that murray, 4 locks on the front door lives in a bunker murray, would take a goddamn enemy of the state to a carnival and leave him alone for any period of time. seriously????????

- look.....it was adorable.....i’ll give you that.....but.....the song dustin and suzy sang slapped me with secondhand embarrassment and genre disconnect so hard I found it impossible to enjoy. also...planck’s constant??? you could/......idk........call mr clarke????????? you’ve interrupted the man’s life for less!!!! I was also half expecting it to be joyce who remembered it from all the studying she did on the magnets. I did enjoy the whole “i met a girl at camp” story being unbelievable until it was but like I was expecting the thing she wanted him to say to be like a famous star wars love quote or something not an entire song jesus christ 

- if hopper turns out to be alive I will face god and walk backwards into hell. I suffered through supernatural, I will not be caught in a cycle of fake deaths again. 

- i get the whole “we’re growing up now” thing but aren’t they like 13? theyre still so young??? also like i dont rly care for the vague soap-opera-y vibes the core squad gave off. 

- the only people who got flayed were either a. already pretty shitty or b. completely unknown. like. it just made it less scary????

- hopper just fucking standing by the machine looking at joyce instead of running the 5 seconds up the steps into the room. seriously? was that supposed to be slow motion or was that real time??? 

- the whole thing with cerebro not working at the beginning sucked ass. 

- hey does mrs wheeler have eyes??? like??? there were exactly two (2) scenes she had with mike and nancy and both were Big Conversations like they live there right/????tbh i forgot she was their mom until those scenes bc of the whole billy thing, which i decidedly do not have an opinion on but like....do they eat breakfast there??? 

[g0dtier]

infinity war spoilers

n my thoughts

that was a ride for sure

im really glad marvel got braver when it comes to killing off characters. imo GotG2 sucked ass (i genuinely hate that movie lmao) and thor:ragnarok was good but i feel like theyre starting to lay on the Funny Man(TM) act a little TOO much so this was a welcome change

im eternally glad they killed off loki. i dont like tom hiddleston or loki and i never have im sorry. i thought he was cool in ragnarok but thor 2 was just all around bad imo and lokis shit got old hella quick. also it immediately showed they were serious

peter was def my fav char in this entire movie. ive been waiting for an eternity for ANYONE to make spiderman more spiderlike and his new suit was just delicious for the aesthetic geek in me. hes also one of the few characters whose humor never starts to annoy me. with the GotG, the 2nd film was such a turn-off for me that every time they had another thickly laid on joke they shoved into your face i just couldnt laugh about it. the only GotG jokes i laughed about were drax’s “ive been standing here an hour” scene and his “WHY IS GAMORA” thing

speaking of Gamora, im so glad they finally let her actress....act lmao. she wasnt remarkable to me at all in the first 2 movies bc it always seemed like she wasnt allowed to show ANY emotion at all, but the crying for thanos scene was cool. i kinda wish she’d showed as much emotion when thanos threw her down a fucking cliff but alas

i disliked the constant dick measuring contest between characters. quill and thor, strange and stark, some of the useless banter was placed at moments that just seemed completely unlogical to me. like ok thor you literally just watched your brother die and lost the only person you had left but you DO have the emotional capacity left to have a bitch-off with quill? :/

Wakanda was an always will be amazing and i have literally no complaints 100% approve of anything and everything t’challa and crew will ever do. 

woulda liked a bit more emotion (doesnt matter what kind but at least EMOTION) between bruce and natasha bc everyone should know that i stan their relationship and i hate the constant turn-arounds natasha’s char goes through. doesnt matter who writes her, one movie shes opening up to people and the next she’ll be an emotionless ass again. also pissed abt the little amount of screentime tasha got in general

Wanda and vision were surprisingly cute but i wouldve preferred a little less heavy drama-like shit to show us they were together. i wouldve preferred to have a short scene of them sitting in their underwear together watching a movie and joking about it or w/e instead of the whole....”are we together or arent we” thing they did

i loved basically everything else tho. nebula’s torture scene actually scared me a bit, thanos really wasnt a bad villain like i thought he was gonna be. i really thought he was just gonna be another “wuh wuh world dominashun” type of guy but his motivations are surprisingly deep and his character was unhinged in a really balanced way. like he is grounded and psycho at the same time.

also wasnt as annoyed by bucky as i was in previous films, turns out not having steve give up literally all his values and friends in order to save him makes him a much more likeable character and the whole “steve?” death scene felt a lot less forced that way, to me at least. i much prefer it when a movie isnt constantly shoving in my face how much steve loses his goddamn mind whenever bucky is in the picture

the iron man/spiderman scene fucking killed me, as did all the other death scenes. also iron man was a lot more likeable in this film than in previous ones, you can really see some character growth. or maybe hes just tired idk. being the passivist understanding dude for once instead of a condescending douchebag is good

the scene where wanda has to kill vision was really cool to me, bc i never cared much about either before but the acting made it so that i actually felt really bad for them even tho the whole time stone thing was so obvious. visions empty robot body was cool

also the fighting scenes were fucking AMAZING. i love how wanda finally became a really good fighter and how shes a lot more agile and dynamic now. thors new axe is cool. Caps beard looks good and his entrance scene was amazing. the strange+spiderman portals “MAGIC WITH A KICK” thing was hardcore. tony’s nanotech was hardcore. bruce finally fighting for himself and using his wits while in the iron man suit was awesome. the wanda+tasha+okoye fighting scene was so cool too!

honestly tho my gripes arent really anything to write home about and are more like nitpicks because i lovedddd the movie. the only BIG gripe i have is that i knoooow theyre all gonna come back. it wouldve been a lot more believable to me if cap/tony/idk the original avengers crew died because theyve all had a bunch of screentime and them killing off peter parker and t’challa just shows theyre gonna come back bc no way marvel is not making them like 3 sequels each at LEAST

i also liked how much the after-credits scene was just another slap in the face. i know many people wanted it to be a “dont worry its gonna be alright!!! saviors are coming” moment but seeing hill and fury die gave me a weird sense of “hell fucking yea” because it shows they were trying to be serious about the “shit is fucked” thing

also im sad they showed the ant man + wasp trailer before the movie because it really lessened the blow of the deaths lmao

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know what. this. this whole not a fucking relationship but still together but not. this is okay. the rest of my life, not so okay. but this is okay. i am thankful today. all night all i heard was peoples relationship drama. and like.. really dumb ass menial shit that amounts to nothing but its everything because these people have created an ideal relationship and how ppl are "supposed" to behave while ignoring the fact theyre dealing with a human being. but u knoe what. i didnt even get this until now. like over the past few months and living in this situation and analyzing my reasons for doing what i do - i get it. this is like a totally next level relationship which is unmatched by anyone i know. we totally did the right thing. of all the wrong things in our life and every mistake we made we did the right thing. because were friends. and we were good friends. we made active choices to be around each other for purposes other than fucking and we spend a majority of our time not fucking. but were not seperate completely, my past relationships we filled our time with watching tv or video games and it was so fucked. i spent years sittint beside guys on a couch and thst amounted to our relationship. one friend was talking about her boyfriend being upset about how late she was out and wanting to hang out with her. i mean, who cares? thats actually nice. youre going to go home to someone. who wants to be around you. not relationship drama. just a needy guy. a second friend is on day two of fighting with her boyfriend because someone was angry and she escalated things by not allowing him space to think about what was happening and expectjng in depth emotional answers until he tells her to go fuck herself. just leave it alone. do you care. do you. hes grumpy about some next shit and youre ignoring the fact hes grumpy and expecting him to do all this shit and romance you. leave it alone. a third friend was worried her boyfriend was cheating so she went thriugh his facebook, saw something questionable then proceeded to try and fuck multiple guys instead of asking him in a reasonable way. he then caught her by going through her facebook too. because they shared a laptop between them and didnt clear passwords. the amount of time i have availabke to me with a phone that has no password and access to laptops i could know everything that ever happened in the past yr of his life. but do i need to know. do i want to know. if any of that shit effects me i trust hes going to tell me. i go out of my way to make it visibly respectful of his things. i also believe in no way at any time has he ever looked thriugh my things. he has never once even in anger blamed me or associated me with any fault towards cutting off his finger. which is right - i didnt cut off his finger. but he was doing these things because i asked. he was doing them because hed do just about anything for me that i asked that didnt compromise his freedom. instead he acknowledged how he made a decision that led to him traumatizing everyone that was around him and himself. and now we all live with that and i honestly believe he holds me sooo blameless - even when others joked about it being my fault hes ignored it - because i believe in his heart he truly thinks i dont need that. like for all the shit thats happened to me i dont need to have the weight of him telling me i caused him to literally lose a finger. for rhe rest of his life he will associate me and the finger. i will alqays be apart of him and this story. like.. its a bit of a joke but i think the perspective is like.. he thinks hes been run by women and theyve taken his money and caused him to do shitty things but this act was selfless. this was out of love. despite being disabled he wanted to do this for me. no benefit of his own. and what was probably inevitable happened. its actually admirable and sweet that we had developed a relationship that led to us collaborating with our strengths. imagine not being me and reading this and suddenly someone has lost a finger like all this time and now boom no finger. thats how it feels to lose one too. i feel so bad for him and he regularly says he wishes he didnt do it or that he cant believe he did it. i hold his hand and let him use his hand to touch me how he always would but of course its weird. of course. its not bad, but its weird. ive always tried to treat it as something normal. ljke this is just life now and this is normal and him missing this finger is normal ljke everyone else could be missing one too. you would never touch or do weird rhings to someones finger normally so i never do that to him. its not a bad tattoo, its a loss of an appendage and its like you know.. losing a finger - not the worst rhing. his life goes on with a shorter finger. he can do everything he did before. he lost nothing. but what never changes is a constant reminder that something once rhere is not there anymore. and that sucks. you never get over that. so its little things like gloves and he wears gloves all the time at work. he worked for months with unaltered gloves but i realized how depressing it must be to have this flap of fabric hanging there, making you constantlt know you fucked up. evergtime you see it and feel that fabric. so i cut all his gloves to fit half a finger. because i feel like it would feel good to put on somerhing that was made for your normal and not the majority. like you can feel like everyone else again and not have that reminder. if i could build him a finger, i think i would. if i can customize his gloves atleast its something. my new romantic dream set in more realistic standards is having his mother convert part of the basement to a studio apartment type thing. but thats really selfish of me because i want to keep my cats and the onlt way i could while living there is having this set up. i dont love him more than my cats. theyre with me more. theyve been with me longer. if he wont leave then let me come in. the other day he joked that my apartment searching was taking up attention from him. i said, "well, give me a place to live then." he laughed and paused, "i dont think so, no" i told him to shut the fuck up then and he feigned being shocked, "how could you say that, how could you tell me to shut the fuck up.." nothing has changed. thats actually the most that needs to be said in a conversation involving him as a solution. on both sides. you got nothing for me? shut the fuck up. leave me alone. he hasnt once offered me a solution, even temporarily. but i guess because its all my fault. and we fought - i was vehement about not needing his help. i didnt need to stay with him. i didnt need to move with him. i had a different worst case scenario plan and i still do. but its worst case. and its the last choice i want to make. he could even help me get a place he stays in part time and i could pay the other half and take care of the place. but thats another romantic dream. he doesnt want to pay rent. he doesnt want to ljve with me part time, or full time. for all i know hes fucking fhis old lady at a cottage right now and my romantic dreams will be totally useless time waster.