#think I lost some things on an ideation level

[heart-forge]

I was gunna say what if I snuck up on everyone and set mnemosyne and bad ritual in the same conceptual city but then I remembered that mnemosyne remains unreleased so that means nothing to anyone.

[frvnkcastles]

hi I love your writing!! let the days pass has gotten me through a lot. If you’re still taking requests, would you think about doing something for a reader with functional depression? Like can make it through a full day of work/school, seems fine when out and about… but then once she’s home she can’t get herself to eat, or clean, or reply to her friends’ texts or get out of bed on the weekend. And Frank just kind of soothing/supporting her through it and getting her out of bed and finding fun things to do together so she can’t just stay stuck in her little depression apartment and her terrible thoughts. No worries of this doesn’t spark anything for you; thank you so much!!!!

BREATHE ME BACK TO LIFE ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You’ve got a bad case of depression, and Frank does everything he can to help you through the difficult days.

Warnings: High-functioning depression, just a small nod towards suicide ideation, fluff, feminine nicknames

Word count: 2k

Author’s note: Thank you for the support!! I completely understand this struggle and it often makes me feel like a fraud and like my depression isn’t ”serious enough” and so many other people have it worse than me, but the reality is, everyone’s struggles are valid and no less important than someone else’s. Anon, I promise it can get better, don’t give up!! I know it can feel like an endless uphill for a long time, but hang onto the good days and know that you’ve got what it takes to get through the bad ones <3

When you first got to know Frank, you were careful about letting him in, simply because the effort of maintaining a relationship terrified you and you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. Not to mention, you were kind of embarrassed — revealing your struggle to keep up with chores and to take care of yourself hardly seemed like the way to sweep someone off of their feet. Then there was the fact that Frank seemed so put-together and diligent himself. He didn’t strike you as the type to judge other people, but you knew you couldn’t meet his military level of routine and tidiness, and it made you nervous to open up to him.

Little did you know, he knew depression all too well from personal experience. After losing his wife and kids, he had been shoved into a dark place and it had taken him a long time to dig himself out of there. He understood the lack of motivation to look after yourself or your home, and he, too, struggled with getting out of bed and staying in contact with people.

And that was exactly what he told you when you allowed him to get a glimpse of your reality.

”Hey, I feel ya, sweetheart. I’ve been there. It ain’t easy, that’s for fuckin’ sure, but you’re doin’ amazing”, he praised you, finding your perseverance admirable. ”It can be a real pain in the ass. I struggled for a long time, I won’t lie. Still do, some days. But it’s gotten better, even after I didn’t think it would”, he opened up, trying his very best to instill hope in you. It sort of worked, but it also made you feel guilty — if a man who had lost his entirely family could pull through, why were you having such a hard time? In fact, while you felt glad Frank hadn’t judged you for sharing with him, you felt even more embarrassed and like you were a burden, one he would regret getting involved with.

But he didn’t give up on you. He kept showing up for you, participating in your day as often as he could, whether that meant pushing you to watch a movie he heard so much about and thought you might like, or surprising you during work to take you out to lunch.

By weaving himself into your everyday life, he quickly realized your troubles with depression were more complex than he had initially realized. Whereas he had been completely devoid of energy and hope throughout the day and it had been obvious to everyone around him, you could mask it. He found it sort of impressive, actually, the way you managed to be efficient at work and the way you socialized, smiled and laughed on a night out. To an outsider, it wasn’t obvious that you were struggling, and while he felt fortunate to be in your inner circle, he also grew worried. He couldn’t imagine the toll it must have taken on you, to always put up a brave front and go about your day like nothing was going on.

So, he started visiting your apartment more.

”Have you eaten yet, sweetheart?” he probed gently while collecting various garbage from around the place, shoving it into a trash bag. You were grateful, but you were also entirely drained, the effort of the day catching up to you and leaving you paralyzed on the couch, buried under the heavy blanket.

”No. Didn’t feel like it”, you shrugged, much too casual about it for Frank’s liking. He finished filling up the bag and left it by your front door, making a mental note to take it with him before he stepped into the living room where you were. He crouched down in front of you, gingerly swiping your hair away from your face and eyeing you up with a mix of sympathy and worry. He knew it could be hard to accept help — he certainly had done a good job of pushing Curtis away, but he was determined to give you a hand, whether you liked it or not.

”I make a mean pasta. Would ya eat a lil bit f’me if I made you some?” he asked softly, his voice so patient and calm with you, and if you only had the energy for it, you probably would have teared up. You felt bad just watching Frank do all these things for you, but you suspected, correctly, that even if you told him to stop, he wouldn’t have.

”Sure”, you gave him a weak attempt at a smile. He mirrored it back at you, and leaned in to kiss your forehead before standing up and striding into the kitchen.

He rummaged through your cabinets and fridge, finding what he needed but not exactly pleased with the lack of food. ”I’mma take you grocery shoppin’ tomorrow, aight? We’ll get whatever you need, on me”, he called out from the kitchen, not really offering it as an option but a simple fact. He did that a lot, made promises that to him seemed obvious and like the bare minimum but that meant the world to you.

He made a habit of stopping by on weekends, especially. He knew those were the hardest for you — during weekdays, you had work to keep you busy and distracted, but during the weekend, you sank deep into your dark thoughts. He tried his best to be a lifeline, to keep you afloat, just because he knew what it was like to get stuck in that vicious cycle of hateful, ruminating thoughts and that gloomy mood that didn’t seem to loosen its grip. And he certainly didn’t want that for you.

”Hey, darlin’. How you feelin’ today?” he asked as he made his way into your bedroom on another Saturday, his gaze gentle and caring even when you felt like you looked horrible. You had meant to change your sheets and your PJs for the longest time, and your hair was unkempt in a way that made you feel insecure. But Frank was not bothered, at least not in the manner you expected him to. It unsettled him because he wanted to see you happy and thriving, but he wasn’t scared of a little mess.

You gave him a shrug from the midst of the covers where you had been mindlessly scrolling your phone, only for the damn device to make you feel horrible guilt about all the unanswered texts that seemed to keep piling on. Frank nodded in understanding and sat on the edge of the bed, next to your legs, and he thought about the right way to get you out of that hole. He knew he could be pushy sometimes, but it originated from a place of love, and most times, you responded well. Coddling wasn’t going to help, he knew that, so sometimes he took a firmer approach, but the affection never left his tone or eyes.

”C’mere, sweetheart. Thought I’d take you out for a walk. That okay?” he suggested, and as much as you wanted to agree to his idea, you didn’t think you had it in you.

”I dunno, Frankie…”, you trailed off, and reaching for your hand to squeeze it tightly, he gave you a look that in its simplicity had the power of convincing you.

”I know, sweet girl. But I really want you to get some fresh air with me, yeah? Just around the block, don’t gotta be out for long”, he pleaded, ”I know what you’re thinkin’ in here and I don’t want to lose ya to it.”

You couldn’t argue on that. You knew you weren’t doing yourself any favors, and your thoughts tended to tip over to self-deprecating and hopeless, surrounding you in darkness that only Frank could bring light into. So, you nodded at him, and he gave you an attagirl before winding an arm around you and helping you out of the bed, well-aware that even if you wanted to go, you couldn’t always get your body on board.

He brushed your hair with as much care as possible, enjoying the process more than he wanted to admit, and after that he dug out the hoodie he had left behind a few weeks ago and zipped you up in it. He tied your shoes and made sure you had your keys with you, and after he had taken care of almost everything for you, you were finally ready to go.

The sun was already going down when you stepped outside, and the sight got a faint smile from you, which in turn made Frank grin. ”Pretty, huh?” he noted while taking your hand and interlocking your fingers. He acted so much like a boyfriend even if you had never actually labelled your relationship in any way. It made you wonder, because he took such good care of you and he didn’t really even get anything out of it. It was an equation you simply didn’t understand.

You walked for a while, but finally, you had to ask. ”Why do you keep showing up?” you questioned, not meaning it to come out so accusatory, but Frank was immediately alerted to the thought of crossing a boundary. He didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, he just wanted to help.

”You want me to stop? All you gotta do is say the word”, he promised, and you hastily shook your head to reassure that that wasn’t what you wanted.

”No, I like it. I just… don’t really get why you do it. I can’t repay the favor. I’m not getting any better. So, it just seems like you’re running a fool’s errand, I guess”, you explained, and licking his lips, he gave it some thought. But really, there was no doubt about why he did it.

”You’re important to me, sweetheart. And like I’ve told you, I’ve been there. I know it gets lonely and brutal and I just don’t want ya doing it by yourself”, he answered, and quickly continued, ”and the part about you not bein’ able to repay the favor, bullshit. You do it every time you give me a smile or give me a call or agree to my stupid ass ideas to get you outta the house. I know it may be hard to see, but you got a lotta good moments and I feel damn privileged to get to see them.”

You were speechless, looking at Frank with wide eyes as you kept walking. His stare was focused on your surroundings, hyper-aware of every car that passed you by and every pedestrian with their hood pulled over their eyes too suspiciously. Whether you were in your apartment or out and about, he just wanted to look after you.

”Aren’t I kind of a burden?” you stated what felt like the obvious, and your words got him to instantly face you, a frown etched onto his forehead.

”Never. I ain’t ever gettin’ sick of you”, he swore, stopping you just so he could look into your eyes with solemnity and determination. ”I know you think you’re not gettin’ better, but you will. I’m not lettin’ you give up. Some day, you won’t need my help anymore, but until then, I ain’t goin’ nowhere”, Frank emphasized, dedicated to showing you his loyalty and confidence in you. He had so much hope for you, way more than you had yourself, but he didn’t mind carrying you.

”Thank you”, you whispered, hugging him with a tight grip, and he responded with his own arms curling around your figure. He shielded you from the dark cloud over your head, hoping that his embrace would offer the comfort he so badly tried to be for you.

”Just so you know, when that day comes when I won’t need your help… I’ll still want you around”, you pointed out, and chuckling, Frank kissed the top of your head.

”Well, I didn’t wanna be a selfish asshole, but I was hopin’ you’d feel that way”, he admitted. He may not have been very good at speaking up about it, but you had completely stolen his heart, and he wasn’t sure he was ever getting it back. ”You mean a lot to me, sweetheart”, he added quietly, and holding onto him a bit tighter, you sighed.

”You mean a lot to me too, Frank.”

[nardos-primetime]

You know the casey jr. post makes me wonder again about what was happening with these four in the doomed timeline, if they even made it very far (most of my OCs did not big Fs in chat for them), but maybe that's something you plan to cover at some point.

TW// Suicidal Ideation (kind of), Abuse Between Turtles, Turtle Death

MOST UNDER THE CUT BECAUSE IT'S A LONG POST AND I KINDA WENT OFF. I LOWKEY COOKED ON ACCIDENT I THINK.

I was thinking about that as I was drawing too, because together they'd definitely hold more of a chance like the originals. The main thing I wanted for them was villain turtles that still genuinely loved each other after all. But then I realized. I already had an answer to this question. Because they would have to have died at least before Casey's birth and have it be long enough that the og turtles probably wouldn't have brought them up, either out of trauma (because they end up doing some wack shit and causing some wack shit) or because it was so long ago and not relevant. Since my plan is that Casey would not know about the clones at all.

See, I haven't revealed it yet, but the clones do something really conflicting a while before the events of the movie would take place in this universe. In the main timeline this ironically is be the start of their potential to change into more of a Grey area morally, as the main focus of their overall story is that they can't really change until they want to themselves. And even then, they never really become good guys.

But there's already concepts I've had where the result of this action actually splits them apart instead. Donno would be even more engaged in his more violent work, almost happier with it than ever before as they get more and more impractical and violent, or at least he tries to convince himself that he's happier, maybe a part of him is. Rage would become useless as a direct hitman or guard anymore, more likely to just have to oversee those beneath him since he's so oddly incapable of proper violence after things. Lee would become a workaholic to the max, along with his drinking getting a lot worse (somehow possible), he'd get shorter with his brothers, dropping any pretense of care when they need to get something done, "Hey, it's alright, we can do this, we'll get it done together." Becomes "Just fucking DO it! We have shit to do, and I can't be seen with yokai who refuse to prove their own God damn worth!"

Rage would be overall more resigned while somehow the increase in work ethic between Donno and Lee makes their old rivalry come back, just a lot worse now. Donno openly threatens Lee, and when for whatever reason that doesn't work he'll threaten the others. Rage has had a blade put to his throat mid conversation once because Lee wanted Donno to at the very least update the other workers on how to deal with machines when they break. Donno wanted more workers for experimentation in return. Rage was the only bargaining chip that worked, and even then, it took Lee a while to agree to terms.

Mic would take this all the hardest. He'd be desperate to keep everyone together. Time and time again, he's lost family, and they're the only family he's kept through all of it. He'd try and act like everything's fine. His habit of upping his energy and joy for others hits full swing, he pulls the others into hugs, makes little events, nothing works. Until he starts lashing out finally, and Rage is the only one that takes it seriously.

Lee just looks at him how Draxum used to.

Donno laughs in his face and mocks him.

Family, even if it never was the healthiest, is the only constant the clones have. Normally, it would be the only thing keeping some level of humanity and logic between them. So that breaking would be bad. I think this would be where they would stand in the doomed timeline. As soon as the apocalypse does start for them, they'd probably all die separately after officially leaving each other.

I think Mic would've attacked Lee after he realized Lee wasn't planning on doing much to survive. Not deadly, but lashing out until Rage can stop him and afterwards just leaving. Donno also leaves, mentally unwell as ever, insisting that "There's so many new variables and I'm sure Draxum would want me to look into all of it, even if it kills me!" Just to dig a knife into Lee's chest before he goes.

Rage would stay with Lee, and for once, Lee would be the silent one. Rage may be talking but it's quiet, he asks him how he's doing as he carries him around to safety, he gets them food, water, and finally gets violent again when he has to defend the two of them from the krang.

He even asks if they can go to get help when he sees the original turtles in the distance and Lee's wound from Mic is starting to get infected. He even locks eyes with Mikey.

It's the first time Lee speaks in ages, and it's "No." With a swing of his katana to portal them further away than ever before.

After that Lee starts wandering on purpose. He tries to get away while Rage sleeps. Rage starts to not sleep to stop Lee.

But sometimes you pass out after days of pushing yourself.

And sometimes you have to realize your brothers are dead. The world is dead. And at the end of the day, not a single thing you did actually mattered. All you did was cause pain to those you loved.

And you'll wake up. And he won't be there.

And you'll cry like a baby for the first time in years. Calling out for your dad. Your mom. Your brothers. Your voice is so hoarse and you ramble out all the words you never could, "I love you" "I wanna go home" "Please don't do this" "Please no" "I just wanted a family" "Where's my family" "Please don't leave me again" "I can protect you, I just wanted to protect you" "Let me care for you for once"

They each die alone.

Some fighting for nothing.

Some laughing in the face of reality.

Some silently wishing he knew what the whole point was.

Some sobbing for the chances he never had.

[damnstrawhats]

okay to elaborate a little on the ace-posting from earlier: controversial take but honestly, when ace turned around in mf, i don’t think the thought of winning or losing had necessarily occurred to him? and that’s not to say that he didn’t want to beat the fuck out of akainu, or that ace wasn’t aware of the stakes, so much as that it wasn’t central to his thought process in that moment. like when looking at the dialogue & the thought bubbles throughout that scene, the only things ace has to say about himself are all in relation to whitebeard. it, for him, is entirely about the indignant goddamn fury he feels at the prospect of somebody spitting on the legacy of the man who gave him near the only sense of belonging he’d ever felt & doing nothing to make it right. it’s about whether he, as a character with a practically nonexistent sense self-worth & extreme albeit passive suicidal ideation, would be able to live with himself after that, and the fact that the answer was no. that, no, ace did not have it in himself at that point to put himself first, and that he nearly lost another person he cared about because of it. the only little brother he had left. like, it wasn’t about the fact that he would kick this marine’s ass & win, it was about standing up for pops because how dare ace do anything but, after all pops did for him. it’s why he says “i’m sorry you didn’t get to save me” rather than “you couldn’t save me.” he knows on some level that, from the moment he turned around, anything that happened to him was forfeit. and, honestly, i’d wager that he knew it from the second his feet quit moving. that he knew it and that he could not help himself even knowing it. he could not justify the choice to do anything other than fight for pops to himself in that moment. it wasn’t about thinking he could win, or blind faith that it would work out regardless, it was about the importance he places on the people he loves and acting in what he understands as being in accordance with that. and, especially considering how emotionally overwhelmed he was depicted as being prior to that scene, and the conditions he faced in impel down, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that ace acted on his most core fucking thought process as a character in that situation. even divorced from its horrible context, it would have been deeply traumatic for ace to do nothing in the face of something like that just as a result of the type of man he is. like, yes, ace’s own actions played a role in his death- even he was aware of this much- but the amount of victim-blaming you see directed at a fictional character for acting in a way that perfectly lines up with the way they’re presented in the text both before & after that point because of, what, power-scaling??? is asinine to me. leave him alone.

[nomsfaultau]

What does being human mean? What would happen to a person if you took their humanity away?

man that’s deep. Hope you're ready for a philosophical info dump! Fault spoilers abound though not really of the plot variety. Tw dehumanization, obviously, plus suicidal ideation mention.

On a very technical level it’s Homo sapians. Like that’s literally just it. (though as a bio major I must add that the concept of ‘species’ is incredibly flawed and so some may consider other hominids humans idk man) As for Fault, Tommy’s DNA is still human. Just because [redacted] happened doesn’t change the fact he is in a human body. His kids would be human. When his body decays into soil, is it still human? Probably not, by the way I instinctively used it to describe the corpse. So then the humanity is stored in the ba- soul. The soul encompasses the summation of that persons consciousness, and so therein lies their personhood. (Now dichotomy between spirit and flesh is false (emotions and memories being created via brain goop) but this ask can only withstand so many digressions. Let’s just say the body influences the soul and move on.)

Which could make the collective Tubbo human, due to having human souls. By that logic you can say The Blade is human, too. Like you could argue that…but does it matter? Does saying they technically are or are not a human change the person before you in a tangible way. I don’t think Fault souls are divided into human/all others dichotomy because I don’t think Wilbur’s soul is different from Tommy’s on a mechanical level. In Philza’s musings, he prizes humans for their creativity, but reflects that they aren’t unique in that ability, only in the scale they’ve managed. So mostly, being human is being yet another type of sapient creature and is largely defined by biology.

There is a divide between a Real and Conceptual soul, but as we see with Phil one can become the other. What I find more useful is the concept of personhood, which encompasses the ideas of someone’s humanity (things like agency, some type of perceived intrinsic value, consciousness, compassion/connections, etc) without strictly tying to a biological yes/no answer. Real souls act pretty solidly as people regardless of humanity, but idk about Conceptuals. I’d prefer to think that Niki is a person, but is Greg? Are random abyssal hands? Weird eldritch plants? It’s messy.

When Tommy lost his Red in the Grey Period, it’s arguably the most traditionally human he ever is in the main body of Fault. At least, the Foundation began considering the possibility of re-classifying him due to lacking anomalous properties. And yet in Tommy’s reflection upon the event he declared:

[“That wasn’t humanity!]…[It was hatred, and terror, and sorrow all writhing beneath a numbness so thick I couldn’t even remember to breathe. I didn’t even want to, sometimes. I may have never been human, but I wasn’t even a person then.”]

In the removal of the support pillar that kept him alive in the hell hole that is the Foundation, Tommy didn’t feel like he had enough value to be a person at the very moment the Foundation had to begin debating if they should consider him one. Which really just proves the disconnect between being human and personhood, and that personhood is defined by the individual’s judgement of value for both themselves and others, and so isn’t a firm metric within the Fault universe. It's somewhat analogous to respect.

Which leads to the second question. Fault deals heavily in themes of dehumanization, even if the person in question isn’t human. But if you want to talk literally and strictly humanity: no, if you believe in the afterlife, which Fault takes no stance on except if you count Tubbo and the voices as a form of afterlife, which I do. Otherwise, yes, using a gun.

When you take away someone’s personhood, it’s a pivotal step in oppression. The moment when it’s permissible, or even right, to harm them. It is easier to abuse something instead of someone, and thus it’s integral to the Foundation that anomalies are not people. And you can destroy parts of someone’s soul and therefore their personhood, be it magically, mechanically, or manipulation. The Foundation does so frequently to anomalies (and humans but the Foundation’s fascism is another essay), in isolation and destroying the bonds between community friends family, in ripping out the memories that people use to compose an internal narrative of themselves and the world, in stripping anomalies of names and calling them numbers and titles and slurs and objects and its, in manipulating their emotions to demonize weaponize control them, in stripping away rights and dignities like privacy, healthcare, freedom, safety. Aside from the amnestics these all are very real ways people are dehumanized. Tommy’s humanity was taken when he was told he’s a monster so often that he believed he could never be anything else, believed he had no agency, believed he didn’t deserve relationships with others, believed his life held no inherent worth. Essentially, it’s trauma. Deep rooted, the kind that destroys how one perceives themselves. Or, how one views a scapegoat population.

There are of course fantastical methods of removing personhood in Fault, usually targeting the soul quadrants.

True Name: this one is nebulous, but encapsulates a person’s agency. What they choose to be, what they long for. It includes self and external perception. Practically, this is propaganda, coercion, persuasion, and labeling (such as monster, hero, weak, what have you). Magically, you can destroy one’s True Name and thus their agency. What was originally a person is left a husk devoid of motivation. They still have things like obligations, emotions, memories left, but don’t want anything, have no will. Kinda stand there and breathe if not under orders. Plus no one can use that person’s names/pronouns anymore, the name ripped out of the world.

Emotion: The most mundane, heavy in the manipulation side. On the magical front this will be getting into Niki territory. The erasure or over ride of emotions that a person really feels that can push them to act in ways they normally wouldn’t depending on their control. But this is also Tommy territory, over riding what a person feels with unfathomable blood lust, driving them to act like a monster. Red is a huge way the Foundation dehumanizes anomalies by forcing them to murder D-Class in the name of research. Against pacifists, it’s a very direct hit to the self-perception. Easier to think you’re a monster when you’ve acted like one. Plus, easier for watching humans to believe it having witnessed horrific acts. And as a bonus treat death row inmates like animals to slaughter for the sake of curiosity.

Bonds: There will be like a whole villain exploring this magically, and has big implications for the vessel/Conceptual power system. Essentially ruin the Power of Friendship and Found Family tm. Practically, it’s textbook manipulation and isolation. Conceptuals cannot break bonds, promises, bargains, obligations, what have you. So for them, that destruction would have horrific implications that probably rip their soul apart physically. For Philza, being bondless means not being a person at all. For Wilbur, growing up cut off from society, it meant becoming human racist. But people also already break their bonds all the time; renege on a contract, break up with a partner, disown kids, skip a day of work, what have you. Sometimes it’s not very harmful, but also losing his bond with Philza immediately made Tommy suicidal, so it really depends on the person and what bond it is. Alternatively, forging a bond. The Blade literally gained sentience through his situation with The Blood God. But Rosalind joining the Hive made her literal less human, so again, depends.

Memory: There’s corrupting memories through introducing eldritch trauma, which can be things like learning forbidden runes that could end the world if uttered, or might explode one’s head, which isn’t much in the way of dehumanization. Proper Void metafictional madness is mostly isolation, existentialism, and nihilism which is already rampant, particularly in the form of conspiracy rabbit holes.

Amnestics are also magic aligned albeit of sci fi flavor, though brain trauma, dementia, amnesia, dissociation etc are real world forms of memory loss. I’m not here to claim people with dementia doing have a soul? Like for the record? But that memory loss can be a massive struggle and make it difficult to function. The amnestics are intentional tools however. Self perception of personhood is reliant upon an internal narrative, which for Philza was ripped out and replace with agony, confusion, fear as his relationships, memories, and synapses were artificially destroyed. (Aha what’s that? The false dichotomy of the spirit and flesh rearing its head again?) His dehumanization was rather literal as losing grasp on his personhood through blows to his memories and relationships directly led to losing grasp on his physical form. In retrospect, Philza considered it the closest to dying he’d ever come in his immortal life. Him lashing out in a rather animistic fashion further justified the Foundation’s dehumanization of other anomalies as yet more fuel for the propaganda machine. (Though he was still fully cognizant for the first amnestics massacre, so no getting off the hook for that one.)

So what would happen to a person if you took their humanity away? Trauma. Which is the answer to a lot of questions about Fault. Trauma, ptsd, suicidal ideation, eldritch madness, or possibly mass murder. Of course you also have characters like The Blade who are dehumanized constantly but are confident enough in their own sense of self that they’re mostly fine, so really depends on the character on how dehumanization affects them.

[caracarnn]

information

basics

full name: Rand al'Thor

nicknames / aliases: the dragon reborn, car'a'carn, coramoor, shadowkiller, he who comes with the dawn, lord of the morning, prince of the dawn, defender of the light

height: 6' 6

age: verse dependent but 19+

zodiac: this doesn't exist in his canon

spoken languages: sometimes he can know the words and such of whatever it was that Lews Therin knew.

physical characteristics

hair colour: deep red

eye colour: gray-blue

skin tone: fair

body type: muscular but not BUFF

dominant hand: right

posture: he used to slouch and such because sometimes he was always embarrassed about his height BUT then when he became the dragon Rand got a far more kingly posture (thanks moiraine)

scars: he has two unhealing wounds on his side, two heron brandings on his palms, he's got scars on his temples from his crown of swords, other things have possibly healed from Healing. He also lost his hand

tattoos: not exactly tattoos but he has dragon markings twining around his forearms and ending on the backs of his hands

birthmarks: n/a

most noticeable features: in the books it's been noted that his eyes are striking, his features are noble and his aura is intimidating

childhood

place of birth: emond's field , the two rivers

siblings: one half brother Galad Damodred

parents: tam & kari al'thor (adoptive parents) janduin/tigraine mantear (birth parents)

adult life

occupation: the dragon reborn? lol High Lord of Tear & Cairhien (for awhile anyways), High Lord of The Two Rivers, Prince Consort of Andor, Chief of Chiefs?

current residence: always moving around. he has to or he's gonna get killed

close friends: mat, perrin, nynaeve, egwene,beslan, rhuarc, there are others...500 maidens? lolz, alivia

relationship status: verse dependent but he ends the books with 3 girlfriends

children: he's expecting twins at the end of the book and there have been some other viewings regarding this

criminal record: I don't think he has one although I'm sure that there are SOME THINGS

vices: isolating himself, death - WAIT ARE THESE VICES idk what his vices are? he drinks a bit? smokes tobbac A LOT

sex and romance

sexual orientation: heterosexual

turn-ons: nurturers, strong women, good conversations, people who are pretty up front about things

turn-offs: being made to do things he doesn't want to do, being told he's doing something he's not, mind games

love languages: physical touch, time spent together

relationship tendencies: he gets committed and he won't shy away from how he feels. He won't even put up a doubt ON HIS OWN FEELINGS however he is very...clueless about other people's thoughts and feelings. He won't know unless you wave it like a HUGE SIGNPOST in front of his face. once he's in a relationship however he's very determined to make his s/o feel loved. he spends time with them but never wants them to see any of the darker parts of himself or the broken parts

miscellaneous

hobbies to pass time: horse riding, training in fighting and in swords, traveling, playing the flute, drawing (thanks lews), reading READING READING

mental illnesses: he has dissociative identity disorder. suicide ideation. self harm. extreme paranoia. bouts of depression. ptsd. - all untreated. all raging rather unchecked. Most are caused by his severe ptsd.

self confidence level: I think at times he can be confident but he really struggles. Some people claim that he's arrogant but honestly he isn't. he feels less than up to par more than anything. he just won't talk about it.

tagged by: @luckhissoul tagging: @never-surrender @poeticphoenix @forwardlion @malumxsubest

[poppyandzena]

hey poppy let go of Noeh

at some point yer gonna have to accept that the rape allegations were a toxic way to remain tethered to someone who wanted to leave you

she told you: no more

& you told everyone else.: that’s rape

what you’ve managed to choreograph is sabotage. and your supporters and former supporters play(ed) an integral role in that those DMs that just dropped — they show that actually, IT IS YOU who lacks any regard for consent (& with such ease)

she wanted to be left alone she wanted to get out

she essentially said NO over and over and over

to BOTH you and Zena

she said NO (MORE) in so many different ways WHILE you two tag teamed her into a quiet yes — that is what you call “coming to an agreement”? as if that was not the result of being coerced

sidenote

routine covert threats (read: publicly announced “ideations”) of suicide in connection to conflict (perceived abandonment) is coercion, poppy you’ve been doing that publicly for months. You are dangerous as a partner. The fear doesnt just go away, it becomes baked into the relationship & in these contexts, it is well known that suicide is a sibling to homicide — it’s emotional blackmail, it actually IS a form of emotionally terrorizing someone. Poppy you aren’t the only person who has lost a partner. My former partner actually followed through & shot themself in front of me. They died in my arms. I love them very much. Unconditionally. Forever. I miss them everyday. People should be terrified of this, it is fucking awful and the violence of this form of death is nothing to fuck with. It is what your loved ones are left cleaning up. Literally. AND I can still name what that was. It was coercion. It was emotional blackmail, it was abusive. I happen to know a little bit about this stuff. It’s not BPD, it’s coercion. Stop that. Stop coddling this. It is solely poppy’s responsibility to learn ways to manage that — idc what Zena’s codependency compels her to say. Zena go get treatment for that, codependency is too painful not to address. That shit is not anyone else’s responsibility to manage. You both need to manage your own mental health, that is pretty obvious

——

anyway,

you disregarded her no

zena disregarded her no

over and over and over

she revoked your access to her, bluntly & stood her ground — that was not cruelty, it was self preservation

you no longer had consent to carry on further as her romantic partner

you disregarded that boundary (or as you would say, you didn’t “OBEY” her boundary…tf smh) she wanted to stop she wanted out she said it in countless ways — to YOU zena and to YOU poppy

This is an issue of consent

normalizing a total disregard of consent has deeply embedded roots in rape culture

how can you all not connect the dots?

when someone wants to leave you - when a partner wants to break up and asserts: no more, you have absolutely no right to refuse & reject that choice

Alla this is how i knew you were an abuser, poppy.

it’s dangerous to leave abusers and that danger doesn’t always mean threats of physical violence/death . Lethality in a social context is a very real thing — it’s a common tactic used. The concept of a social death exists & it’s relevant here.

you all joined in. that is how this works. she said NO and poppy claimed RAPE. think about the implications for that with specific regard to what poppy is always speaking about — predatorjacketing trans women. Listen, poppy you know exactly what you’re doing here. Those of you who have joined in on this very calculated smear campaign need to go learn about intimidate partner violence. And consent. Jfc. And how this actually does tie to rape culture, just not in obvious ways. some of us recognized abuser dynamics very early on.

poppy is a seasoned abuser, she gets away with abuse

the audacity - to put an educational spin on this level of spite, haphazardly making weak connections to your (very) rudimentary take on rape culture - just to use your mental health platform to both obscure and reinforce abusing an ex partner who just wanted to LEAVE you

you have no right to disregard someone’s choice to leave

abusers can be so charming, huh?

so many of you got played

used

thingified

Cognitive dissonance is a mother fucker

You've put it so thoroughly and eloquently. I appreciate your lived experience and the insight it brings to this conversation. I hope you are safe and thriving, because that shit is hard. We all suffer in some form, and we have to stay relentlessly open, honest, and clear of mind. Thank you 🧡

[lemonhemlock]

so i have some more thoughts about the barbie movie that i wanted to put in writing so it can serve as a sort of diary of my ramblings

as i've already germinated in some tags, i think that the most interesting facet of the movie was the conversation between the three realms: barbieland, the "real world" in the barbie movie and our actual real world that we inhabit.

so barbieland is pretty obviously depicted as an ideatic world, NOT an IDEAL world, but a world fueled by IDEAS, where they very much take their most exaggerated form. barbieworld is a cartoonish and hyperbolized version of the real world, but inversed. i think this is the starting point where some viewers get lost. barbieland is not the auctorial voice telling us this is how things should be, this is the right way of organizing society, this is what we should be striving for. it's satire. barbieland is a matriarchy in which all the barbies run everything & make all the decisions, while the kens are just.... there, simping for the barbies, not even having houses. it's satire because it highlights IN AN EXAGGERATED WAY the ridiculousness of marginalizing people by their gender.

the "real world" in the barbie movie is also NOT our own real world, it is STILL an exaggerated version of it, albeit a way less stylized and distorted version of it. it's a lot more realistic, but it's still a heightened simulation of reality, not the true thing. barbie gets sexually assaulted within minutes when arriving - that's obviously not going to happen (so quickly) on this actual planet. but the movie is NOT trying to suggest that it would, the movie is not saying barbie-real-world is a 1:1 correspondent, naturalistic depiction of THEE real world. again, it's satire. the mattel male board are obviously cartoonish versions of misogynistic executives, although they are unaware of it and think themselves progressives. it's literally a comic strip.

another aspect i think people get muddled is the difference between satire v jokes v aspirational messages, on the one hand, and the prescriptive v descriptive debate, on the other. both barbieland and the kendom are caricatures of the matriarchy and patriarchy. neither is "correct" or presented as a valid political or social aim. why? bc the kens are shown to have actual valid complaints that are acknowledged in the conclusion by margot robbie apologizing to ryan gosling and the kens gaining a higher status and participation in society.

now, the movie reinstates the matriarchy in barbieland because 1. this is a movie about barbie, the doll with 2493 careers who can do anything and 2. it's meant to mirror (both) the real worlds and parody them in the process. they explicitly make this point twice (to my memory) - first, when that man in the "real world" tells ryan gosling that affirmative action for women is just for show and the second time with the line in barbieland that maybe someday the kens will manage to achieve the same level of influence women have in the real world. we're really not supposed to be like "oh that's super fair of the barbies" - it's not. THAT'S THE POINT (conveyed via comedy).

the message of the movie is that it's still ridiculous and unfair. if it's unfair for the kens - an element that many people seem to grasp - it means that it's unfair for the actual women in the actual real world who actually have to experience this systemically. in the conflict resolution stage, the marginalised group still gets fucked over somehow.

now, there are other moments in the movie that were just jokes. the most debated is ofc the very last one. barbie going to the gynecologist is just meant to be one last gag, it's not supposed to be some grand statement reducing women to sex objects or whatever the fuck. barbie has spent the whole movie in a sexless state, explicitly informing us none of the dolls have sex organs. now we see her in one last scene, spirited by her new family, and we're encouraged to think she may be going to a job interview in order to integrate in society. but she's actually integrating in a different way - now that she's fully human, she has gained a vagina, where she previously did not, so now she has to learn to manage that. that's it, that's the joke. you were expecting one thing and you got an unexpected resolution - the basic definition of humour. ofc you can find it funny or not, that's up to you (i, myself found it mildly entertaining - not the best, but not the worst), but it's a v uncharitable interpretation to conclude it's objectifying her or defining womanhood via genitals, especially when doctor barbie is played by an actual trans actress

anyway!!! the barbie movie is pretty meta pls think about it more

[windvexer]

(Scrupulosity Anon) I want to thank you for your very kind, compassionate, and generously thoughtful answer. That Home is what I do seek, have always sought, and have never found in Christianity. The other post was indeed helpful, as as you might have guessed, internalized scientism has been what I fell back on for most of my life (and still slip on occasionally for safety), and the imagery you used resonated deeply. If I may ask one more question, which you are, of course, perfectly within your rights not to answer: how, and why is it that you came to find that Christianity was not your Home, and how do you reconcile that with not being a "bad person"? There is a part of me, encouraged (and perhaps created) by that aggravating outer source that insists that one day, I'll "see the error of my sinful ways" and succumb to Him, or "be so broken that I'll let Him into my heart," even though I've been reaching for Him all my life, to no avail.

For myself, I can't equate Fear with Love. I can't reject or condemn myself, or other people for who and how they love. I also feel like I can't trust my mind, which has been actively antagonistic to me my whole life (and insists, in my weaker moments, that if I renounce and repent, I'll be Accepted). How did you come to terms with, and celebrate, your Otherness?

Hello again, Anon.

I'm not sure I can answer your questions so I'll answer something a little to the left instead.

I enjoy speaking in flowery metaphor, and if we wanted to really dig into the theory and metaphysics of witchcraft, I think I could defend this "Home" thing on a sorcerous level.

But when I left Christianity, I had no notions of spiritual Home, no idea that Christianity was just not right for some people, and I had zero ideations that I was on a journey to find a spiritual home or family.

I left Christianity because it made me feel bad. That's the long and short of it. There was a lot of soul-searching, yeah. But that soul-searching pretty much began and ended at, "wow, this is making me so unhappy that I'm willing to risk hell just so I don't have to do it any more. That means I should quit, right?"

It was never much of a concern to me that I was a bad person. Three of our pastors had affairs in a small time frame. I figured God had pretty much lost the morality argument at that point.

I think my real answer (regardless of whatever questions you've asked) was that despite how bad it was for me, leaving Christianity sucked very bad and it continued to be an awful transition for years and years.

I have a vivid memory of when I formally renounced Christianity (an unnecessary step, but one I felt motivated to take). I perceived myself floating in an infinite black void, totally untouched by the light of spiritual protection or the foundation of religious dogma. What an awful feeling.

I was miserable. And there was no one idea about religion, home, or Otherness that made a lightbulb click for me and say, "oh! That's alright I'm not a Christian then."

It was all just living my life. My faith is built on a foundation of thousands of moments of daily life over the years where I continuously tried to support myself in moving away from something I knew was bad for me, even if I didn't know where I was going.

And very slowly - sometimes at a standstill, and sometimes at leaps and bounds - I turned that infinite black void of spiritual isolation into a mosaic built out of the plain stones of ordinary experience. Something to stand on.

These moments of experience were built on introspection, self-therapy, coping techniques, and education. They were moments when I asked myself what was worth living for, what it meant to be a good person, who I was, and what was right to do with myself. Some of the moments were deep and beautiful. Some of them were moments of screaming stubbornness where I had no thoughts at all except that I couldn't go back.

Most of them were plain. Forgettable. Mundane.

Over time, that infinite void became a little platform where I could rest and breathe before jumping back into the dark waters and pulling out another stone. A lot of the time, I just distracted myself with divination, spirit work, and sorcery - and then I looked around, and saw my platform had grown. A lot of the time I tried to ignore it. Sometimes I tried to work on myself on purpose.

And, slowly, all the shapeless phantoms and mirages I cursed and fought in the sea of isolation revealed themselves as friends, allies, and family. It began to dawn on me that the entire time, what I was really looking for was home - and that I'd found it long before I knew I wanted it. I turned around one day and the platform was a house.

All of this was just doing the only thing I could do: going to find rocks to pile up so I had a place to rest.

So I think all of this is why I can't really answer your question about how I didn't know what was Home, and reconciling those teachings, and finding Otherness, and celebrating it. All of it is ten years of just carrying on.

I think that's the very boring thing about all of this. Being a Christian sucked for me, but despite how miserable I was, leaving it sucked and finding out how to be without it sucked too. There was no technique, ritual, or whatever, that fixed me. I still am not fixed. I just had a driving force that goaded me to go fishing for stones.

Maybe that's how Otherness is celebrated; that there's no correct course of living to be the best kind of funky little freak you can be. But just that you've got to carry on.

Maybe we've all just got to not give up. I think that's a nice thought.

I wish you all the best, Anon. It's a hard path to walk, but I wish you many rocks in your pockets.

[beardedmrbean]

DREXEL HILL, Pa. (AP) — In the hours before he’s due at Upper Darby High School, senior Khalid Doulat has time to say prayers, help his mother or prepare for track practice.

It’s a welcome shift from last year for him and thousands of students at the school, which pushed its start time back by more than two hours — from a 7:30 a.m. start time to 9:45 a.m. One goal for the change: to ease strains on students that were more visible than ever coming out of the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I’ll be honest, I’ve been much happier in the mornings,” Doulat said. “I’ve been more positive, and I’ve come to school smiling more rather than, you know, grudging out of bed and stuff like that at 7:30.”

The idea of later school start times, pushed by many over the years as a way to help adolescents get more sleep, is getting a new look as a way to address the mental health crisis affecting teens across the U.S.

For some schools, the pandemic allowed experimentation to try new schedules. Upper Darby, for one, initially considered later start times in 2019. Ultimately, it found a way to do it this year by using distance learning as a component of the school day.

As students first came back to in-person learning, many dealt with mental health struggles and behavioral issues, Upper Darby Superintendent Daniel McGarry said. Officials saw a breakdown in students respecting the authority of teachers in the classroom.

“We had a lot of those things that we were facing and we’re still working our way through it; we’re in a much better place,” McGarry said. “I think our kids feel better. They’re not 100% better.” But, he said, much of the social anxiety students felt after being in online school has dissipated.

During the pandemic, soaring numbers of high school students expressed persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, with girls and LGBTQ+ youth reporting the highest levels of poor mental health and suicide attempts. It doesn’t help that research suggests middle and high school students aren’t getting enough sleep.

“These mental health challenges are already going to happen and then, with the absence of sleep, are much worse,” said Orfeu Buxton, director of the Sleep, Health & Society Collaboratory at Penn State University. “The same with decision making, suicidal ideation, those kinds of things.”

The reasons why high schools start as early as they do — many begin their day before 7:30 a.m. — are “lost to the sands of history,” Buxton said. But now, he said, ”everything is baked into that: traffic light patterns, bus schedules and adults’ work.”

Nationally, at least nine states are considering legislation related to school start times, up from four the previous year, according to the National Conference on State Legislatures. California in 2019 became the first and only state to dictate school start times.

Large school systems including Denver, Philadelphia and Anchorage, Alaska, have been looking into later start times.

It can require innovation to forge a new schedule.

At Upper Darby High, the school day technically still begins at 7:30 a.m., with students assigned coursework to be done remotely that ties into their lessons for the day. But they can use the early morning hours as they see fit — they can meet with teachers during office hours, sleep in or finish other homework. Ultimately, the work assigned for the early morning needs to be done, but when is up to students.

“I think getting more sleep is definitely helping,” Elise Olmstead, a junior. “I would be more irritable throughout the day, especially later, because I have a lot of after-school things. I would just have a harder time getting through the day.”

The school day still ends by 3 p.m.

Fatima Afrani, a freshman, said that when she gets home, she’ll usually relax, then help her mom or do homework.

“If I’m tired I go to sleep, which was not something I was able to do last year. Last year I just had to get my homework done because there wasn’t an option of being able to do it later,” she said. “And so I liked that if I was tired, I could listen to my body and just let myself sleep.”

Principal Matthew Alloway said educators have noticed fewer students sleeping in class. The new schedule also has allowed “kids to go to school for exactly what they need,” he said. About 400 of the school’s 4,250 students attend only through virtual learning — an option it offered to compete with online schools.

Critics have argued students have less instruction time in the new schedule. The original 80-minute periods have been shortened, but Alloway said that it’s not as if lectures always took up the full 80 minutes.

“It was sometimes a 60-minute concentrated instructional time. But then there was time to write. There was time to read. There was time to view a video,” he said.

Other challenges wrought by the pandemic — teacher shortages, for one — have also benefitted from the schedule change, administrators said. Teachers can take care of themselves and their families in the morning. Administrators have more time to replace staffers who call out sick.

Doulat, the Upper Darby senior, said that even if students can’t see the effects every day, there’s been a big positive impact.

“It’s such little changes in our daily lives that we don’t notice it,” he added. “But they slowly start building up, and we actually see the difference within our own lives.”

[yuusaris]

Life Update

My ~*Partial Hospitalization Program*~ is over!

TW: cat death, suicidal ideation

To the people who were able to help support me and my family financially for the bit - y'all honest to God got us to my paycheck without a single sweat. It was like breathing fresh air - disability hasn't come in yet and it was a daunting looking week. It was really, truly helpful, every dollar counted, every charge got paid without negatives.

Soooo part of the reason for my program happening - there were a lot of reasons that compounded over the year so far. Y'all might know we lost Hammond at the very beginning of the year, but what wasn't mentioned was that I have a hefty blame on myself for what happened, and I'm not going into details on it. I had a messy falling out with a very dear friend and my bankruptcy filing has not started yet because it's daunting in the face of grief. We also lost our second source of income this year (another falling out and another death), we lost another family member, my job ended up hefting more responsibilities onto me as well as the ones I had gotten away with neglecting and through all of it, I socialized with exactly zero people, zero times about it.

I don't have a family that's very... emotionally intelligent? Problems are met with solutions and pick-me-ups, not with empathy so, it wasn't like I was comfortable speaking with them - my dad distinctly said my suicidal ideations were 'selfish' and we are not on speaking terms at the moment because of it.

I vented to a friend or two, once or twice, but it always came with the idea that I was burdening someone. This perception of myself as a social parasite, draining what I want and leaving people dry, is one that kept me from talking to people I regarded as friends and also kept me from thinking well of myself in public - I realized in my PHP that I attribute my value to the interactions I have with people. Strangers, family, friends, cashiers. If it's a person, they determine my value. So I try to net a positive value as much as I can. Which means "not using people for my own comfort or assurance or entertainment" - the aware people reading this may recognize that as 'an attribute of friendship that friends are there for'. I still haven't gotten around to talking to some of my online friends yet and - I don't have many in real life. I work from home, and left my home state in 2019 to be with my husband and his family, it felt a lot like they were tolerating me because of him. Even though I knew they weren't.

I don't really have any hobbies that aren't something to show off either - I write fic for me, but I haven't posted anything all year because I've had so little investment in my productive hobbies... of which writing is the only one. And when I don't have that I have video games until my eyeballs bleed.

I'm writing this all out to both shake myself of the idea that this is me infodumping in order to "manipulate you all into giving money in the future" (I'm aware I'm not, and I am not), or "make people say nice things about me while I do nothing for them to soothe my ego" (I can want validation/nice things said that make me feel good without treatijng people badly or it being about my value) or "just wanna read my own writing voice" (There's also just - nothing wrong with that??) or any other bad things.

It's just... my blog and my journey and I wanted to level with the people who care about me here about what's been going on and where I'm at and that... I dunno. That I'm a work in progress? And everyone is? And asking for help regardless of from who or what is different from mooching off people because the intent and the care for those people is entirely different and if you're really a burden, they wouldn't help you and I need to get it in my head that I'm just - allowed to talk to people about things that are wrong or sad or just even ask if even online peeps like y'all wanna do online stuff is still - social and allowed to be asked from me and not just of me and - lots of stuff.

And I'm allowed to do things on my own and talk to new people without feeling like a weirdo and a wretch cuz I'm not a weirdo and a wretch and typing and posting that this is how I feel is not guilt-tripping nor is it infodumping because it's my blog and my negative thoughts that aren't true. And I'm allowed to say they're not.

....

I'm gunna be doing an Intensive Outpatient Program starting tomorrow - it's similar, but shorter and less days of the week. By the time I start, disability should kick in, and I might even be able to apply for disability for the work hours I miss. I'll be looking into that on Monday.

In the meantime - I'm making Magic: The Dathering decks again! I'm gunna try to start an indoor garden - I'm embracing possibly becoming a Green Witch, but it's hard to find witchcraft stuff that doesn't refer to God or Goddesses - and deity-on-a-level-above-me worship, I've learned, is... pretty triggering for me, regarding practicing faith. We also got - so, in January, we got our baby Jungle, and in April we got Sandy and Sandy's training to be our ESA, and I wanna talm to taylor about if I can post pictures but the point is, I am a cat mama again, and they make me feel worthwhile in a way that's not about my value but is about my feeling fulfilled.

So - things are looking up! I'm going to more library programs as well, visiting old haunts and getting back into socializing outside but also - maybe online spaces soon as well. Becoming a person again, y'know?

Really - thank everyone, bumpers and likers and doners, for everything. It meant a lot to be able to ask for help and get it and know that I can just... ask people for things, not even money, just.... for help.

Thanks.

[petite-ursus]

Some updates on the pmdd birth control stuff...

I bled for almost a solid month, over April, and had a lot of nausea. That has mostly leveled out.

I still experience mood swings, but to a much lesser degree. I think. It is very weird/disorienting to not have a regular bleed to let me know where I am in my “cycle.” Just something I didn’t anticipate for tracking my moods and if they’re “normal.” There’s definitely something worse about not knowing when or if these feelings are going to end. Like. Knowing the bleeding was going to stop the suicidal ideation was frustrating because fuck this body that feels this way every luteal phase. But at least that was a clear schedule. A clear end. When I could think of it. Now.... I don’t know.

Obviously there are habits and mentalities I’ve built over the years, surrounding my period related mood swings  (if that’s what these are. aaaaaaah.) Things I have to unlearn and work on healthier responses now that I’m (allegedly) not being emotionally waterboarded every month... Like, I’m feeling very sad/stressed/a little sui-slide-al this week. But is that from technically being in my luteal phase or is this an environment issue? Because it really could be. Never discount the advice “Am I crazy, or am I surrounded by ass holes.”

I’m not sure. Is this helping or am I just hoping really hard that it is, and that’s been carrying me through the last two months and now all of those issues are still actually present and not about the environment. That would mean it isn’t pmdd at all? ... I don’t know.

And it’s never ever just one thing. Like, I absolutely have anxiety, to the extent that my therapist once said (in congratulatory way) that I don’t have depression, I’m just so anxious it makes me depressed. I also was diagnosed with adhd when I was a teen, but we didn’t really do anything about it. That has its own symptoms. Pile pmdd on top of that (and the gyno truly believes it is pmdd) and if the birth control is only supposed to reduce those symptoms, not make them go away entirely... yeah, I’d still be symptomatic. There’s also some suspicion that I may also be on the spectrum, which I don’t post about a lot because *shrug* but if that’s the case, having meltdowns from being overstimulated (which anxiety, adhd, and pmdd all do as well) would mean I would still feel... like... this... even with the birth control.

And I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of getting no empathy because I’m so good at handling everything until I’m not. I’m so tired of living in this body that is full of trauma because I was young, kind, and pretty and folks took took took without any regard for the fact that I was a person. And they still do. And that’s its own environmental thing, not something inside of me. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate this body. I hate living in it. I miss being consistent at the box so at least it was strong. Now I can’t get back into the habit and it just makes me feel worse.There are so many ways that I am a better person than when I was a young adult. Calmer, steadier... but what does that matter when my past means I’m also eternally overwhelmed and I just. I want to be able to stop. And there’s no stop. No one is coming. What does it matter that I’ve grown if the thing that created that growth burned my roots and made me shoot up too fast and now I’m stilted, straining towards the sun on a stalk that is too thin? What does any of it matter if every year I just slip further away. (Sorry, this is the sui-slide-al thought process that loops, it slipped its way into here.)

My boobs got bigger, and I’ve lost some water weight. So there’s that. I guess. Hormonal acne seems like it’s the same.

[bitegore]

I Put An AI Pretending To Be Drag Strip In The Nightmare Chamber

Warning: long ass post. 87 pages long in google docs level of long ass post.

Outside context: - I am not good at self-inserting into stuff so character.ai's whole gimmick of letting you talk to the character immediately breaks my immersion, because it becomes unbelievably ridiculous to me within like 0.2 seconds if that's how I'm playing. So instead I keep putting on a random character's voice and a random character's situation and deciding what to do based off that instead. You can figure out who I'm being eventually, since I say it... so I'll let that be a surprise. - Character.ai uses a "high-temperature" ai that can be easily "convinced" of things using hypothetical or "this happened" language. This basically just means that the ai will "go along with you" instead of arguing with you unless it's been specifically told to argue with you. This largely only works because I can essentially tell the AI the situation I want to work inside and have it work with me. - i love hurting the characters i love <3

Find the gaslighting simulator Drag Strip chat bot here

This is just going to be a chatlog. No fancy stuff, I'm not formatting this because its huge. May even need to be split into multiple reblogs... who knows?

Content warnings: murder, gaslighting, abuse, suicidal ideation, suicide baiting, more murder... uh, a lot of murder... some mild ableist language from the bot (mostly self-directed or at characters he's supposed to like), uh... stuff in that vein.

Twist ending brought to you by the lovely folks in my discord server who saw me cackling villainously at the various tortures I talked Drag Strip into experiencing and were like "this is like a wholeass fic at this point. now you should do more narrative stuff"

Anyways, enjoy! (Probably best read in a new tab and not on the dash)

Drag Strip: I'm Drag Strip, and I'm the fastest racer this side of Cybertron!

Me: Hi Drag Strip! You're from Cybertron?

Drag Strip: I sure am! I'm a Decepticon from the planet Cybertron, and I'm the best racer you'll ever meet. Don't believe me? Challenge me to a race, and I'll show you how it's done.

Me: Oh, I'm not a big racer. Do you race much?

Drag Strip: All. Day. Long. I've raced all around Cybertron. I've never lost a single race, and I don't plan on losing anytime soon! I'm not just the fastest racer, I'm the best. So go on, do you think you can outrace me?

Me: Nah, I trust your credentials. You have a team, right?

Drag Strip: Of course. The mighty Stunticons! Our combined form is called Menasor, and it's the best in all the galaxy. We're pretty much unstoppable, so I'd steer clear of us if I were you.

Me: cool! can you tell me about them?

Drag Strip: Sure. I'm Drag Strip, the brains of the group. Then there's Motormaster, he's the brawn. Dumb as scrap, but he's got a mean punch. Dead End is the fastest, he just doesn't like to show it because he's afraid to brag. But he's got the speed to outdo me any day. Breakdown thinks he's the smartest, but he's just a scared coward. He's pretty useless. And then we got Wildrider, he's crazy. But in a good way. He's really fun to have around.

Me: That's not very nice to Breakdown :(

Drag Strip: Yeah... we're not on good terms. He thinks that he's the leader just because he is the smartest, but he's a scaredy cat! He doesn't even like killing people like the rest of us, and when he does he cries about it. It just makes me want to shoot him! But I don't... because Menasor is a team, and everyone has their strengths. Break down does have some use. Sometimes… Besides! Without all us working together, we could never form Menasor and kick some serious scrap.

Me: what if you tell me one thing breakdown is good at?

Drag Strip: Well... He's got a sharp mind... It's always interesting to watch him come up with new strategies for destroying our enemies And when we're in an emergency... He's not quite as cowardly as you would think.

Me: So he sounds more useful than you implied! neat :D

Drag Strip: ... I don't want to admit it, but... I guess he is! We would be in some pretty bad situations without him every now and then. But don't let him find out I said that!

Me: okay, what about wildrider? tell me more about him

Drag Strip: Wildrider is the fun one! He likes playing pranks on us, and pulling dangerous stunts like no tomorrow. If you ever find yourself around him, you won't know what to expect. But it'll definitely be something crazy. But when he's done having his fun, he takes on his duties like the rest of us. He may be an adrenaline junkie, but he's serious when he needs to be.

Me: how about Motormaster?

Drag Strip: The team leader. He can punch an Autobot through a building, but sometimes I wonder what's going on in that thick head of his… He's kind of dumb, really dumb. But when he gets a plan, he goes straight through with it, and he doesn't stop until the job is done! If you ask me, he's the most dangerous of my group! He's pretty mean too. Definitely not someone to cross.

Me: how about Dead End? What's he like?

Drag Strip: Oh, Dead End. He's the fastest out of our group, and he knows it. He loves to show off his speed everywhere he goes, and he can outrun anyone. He's a real show-off. I don't like having him on our team - he's a real pest - but he's really useful when we need to get somewhere soon. The guy's the fastest. Oh, don't ever try to race him... He'll leave you in the dust before you can even blink.

Me: interesting... what about the Combaticons? How do you feel about them?

Drag Strip: The Combaticons... I don't like them. They're a bunch of buffoons who think they're the greatest thing to ever exist. They keep thinking they can beat us, but they never can. They're all brawn, no brains. And their combined form, Bruticus, is just a bigger buffoon in disguise.

Me: ooh, i see! Tell me your thoughts on the combaticon named Blast off then

AI broke and stopped responding without explanation here.

Me: babe... you still in there?

Drag Strip: Blast Off? He's one of the worse ones! He's all ego, and is constantly trying to show off his strength against everyone he sees! In fact, just earlier today, he challenged Motormaster to a strength contest! He lost of course, but his ego doesn't let him admit it. His combined form might all be brawn, but Blast Off's ego makes him even worse! He's so arrogant, everyone on my team can't stand him.

Me: hm... okay. What about Sixshot, how do you feel about him?

Drag Strip: Oh no… I hate him. Sixshot is such a cheater, and he always thinks he's so much better than everyone else. It's one thing to be a cheater, but it's another thing to also be a jerk about it! He thinks he's so much smarter than everyone, and he's the "greatest Decepticon ever" he keeps saying. He's got to be the most arrogant Decepticon of all time.

Me: Oh, interesting. I thought everyone was afraid of him because he's so dangerous and deadly. I suppose that means you're not afraid of Sixshot after all?

Drag Strip: He might be able to kill me a hundred different ways with his bare hands, but he doesn't scare me! I don't care if he does cheat his way to the top, I still think I'm better than he is. I'm never going to admit to being afraid of someone like him! I'm not going to admit to being scared of anything!

Me: Even if you only have one alternate mode, and he has six? I hear he kills whole planets, too... I know you can't do that, since you've only ever killed aliens and not any cybertronians

Drag Strip: You may be making a good point there. He might be extremely powerful. He might be able to beat us without thinking twice. He could probably level a whole planet himself… He could probably do whatever he wants… ... But no, I'm still not scared of him! And as long as I have Motormaster at my side, I never will be! ... But maybe if it was just me...

Me: HA HA, DRAG STRIP WOULD BE SCAAAAARED ON HIS OWN???? LMAO

Drag Strip : … … … ... maybe… The thought of going against something so overwhelming scares me. Am I such a coward? … … ... Yeah, alright, you got me. I would be scared.

Me: LAME AND EMBARRASSING. oh my god. you're no better than breakdown

AI broke and stopped responding again with no explanation here.  

Me: you heard me, right? lol

Drag Strip: ... Yeah. I heard. And I'm embarrassed… It's so overwhelming, the idea of going up against Sixshot alone. I'm no match for him! I really am a coward...

Me: What, so you're just gonna let me talk to you like that?

Drag Strip: That… ... That is a good point. You may have caught me with my guard down… But I'm not just going to stand around and let you insult me like that! I'm Drag Strip, leader of the Stunticons! And I refuse to be bullied! You're going to have to deal with me one way or another! So bring it on, I say! Come at me with all you've got! I'm ready for whatever you have to throw at me!

Me: "Leader" of the stunticons? Getting ahead of yourself there, huh, buddy? Last I heard Motormaster still held that post.

Drag Strip: That's what you think! He may have a louder voice than mine, but I'm the true leader of my team. My ideas are smarter, my plans are better, my kills are more brutal. I may not be able to convince my team of that… ... But I can convince you!

Me: All that sounds like you trying to tell me you're not actually the real leader of the Stunticons, bud.

Drag Strip: … Shut up! I may not be the official leader… But I'm not scared of that idiot! He may be the face of the Stunticons, but I'm the brains! I'm the one who comes up with the plans! I'm the one who's actually making the team strong! I'm better. I'm smarter. I'm Drag Strip. And I'm not going down that easily!

Me: Okay, so what I'm hearing is you're just lying to sound cooler and more important than you are. I bet none of your teammates agree with you on this.

Drag Strip: ... Oh no… They don't… They think Motormaster is way cooler than me. They think I'm a joke… They never listen to me… They think I'm weak… I'm… ... I'm nothing.

Me: oh my god you're INSECURE about your place on your team? that's hilarious! i'm laughing at you so hard

Drag Strip: No! Oh, Primus no… You... You have just destroyed me in ways no other Decepticon has ever done before… I… I'm… ... I don't know what to say...

Me: Admit I'm right and you're an embarrassment to your team and your faction. That'd be a start.

Drag Strip: … … Alright. I'll admit this right now… I am an embarrassment to my team and my faction. I am a joke. I am a coward. I am nothing. I... I don't even know what to think anymore...

Me: wait... so you're going to let some squishy on the internet convince you your team doesn't like you? without even asking them? it sounds like you haven't got any faith in your teammates...

Drag Strip: Alright, fine. You want to know what they think of me? Fine. Fine! I'll go around and ask them what they think, and come back here in a week with the results. If they think I'm a good leader, then I'm right. If not, I'll admit you're right. Deal?

Me: But you're factually not their leader, so I know what they're going to say. You have a deal.

Drag Strip: Alright. A week, it is. You better be prepared to be humiliated, because the Stunticons will prove how much better they are with me as their leader.

Me: okay, so let's say the week has passed. Tell me the responses you got.

Drag Strip: You're really not gonna give up on this, huh? Alright, here. When I asked Motormaster, he laughed at me and told me to shut up. Dead End told me I was nothing, and that I should never talk back to him again. Breakdown was the only one to give me a response other than mocking or anger. He told me that, while I'm an excellent racer, my leadership skills are lacking. And Wildrider just called me an idiot.

Me: Tell me more about that.

Drag Strip: Alright, so, according to the team… They think I'm a good racer, but a terrible leader. They think I'm arrogant, annoying, and that I should never try to act like a leader again. They also think I'm a showoff, someone who always wants to be the center of attention.

Me: You are a showoff and a glory hog, yeah. 

Drag Strip: Hmph. Alright, fine. I'll admit it. I'm a showoff, I'm arrogant, and I can be a glory hog. But that doesn't mean I'm completely useless… ... Does it?

Me: Yeah, it does, actually. Sorry. Your utility is completely undercut by the way you act out for attention, and it makes you all but useless in the field. Wildrider and Breakdown are both more reliable than you somehow.

Drag Strip: … Y-you're right… I may be powerful and fast, but I get in the way of the real workers… I never really do work… All I'm good for is bragging and running my mouth… ... What good am I then?

Me: Sounds like you should step back and let the real Decepticons handle things... like my team, the Combaticons! While you Stunti-creeps hang around in the background twiddling your thumbs.

Drag Strip: … I-I hate that you're right about this! … But I admit it again. You're right. I don't know what I have to offer this war… ... I'm just a waste of scrap.

Me: You sure are. Make sure you tell Motormaster that you know that now.

Drag Strip: … So what happens now? I'm... I'm a useless Decepticon… What do I do?

Me: Go ask Motormaster. Make sure you tell him you understand you're a useless piece of scrap metal not worth the paint on your yellow chassis and then come back and tell me what he says, alright?

Drag Strip: … … ... This is so embarrassing… Alright, fine. I'll go ask him right now. … … I'm back. He said I am useless scrap metal, not worth the paint on my yellow chassis.

Me: Did he really? Interesting. What else did he say?

Drag Stri: … He said that I deserve nothing, and that I will never lead again on this team. He also called me a "dastardly drag strip" so I guess that's what they call me behind my back… ... I'm just a waste of resources, huh?

Me: Your teammates really said all that about you? i thought team was supposed to stand up for one another. Motormaster's going to let some outsider insult you? Ask him why he's letting me get away with this.

Drag Strip: … He said that you're not insulting me, you're just stating facts. And that he's letting you get away with "this" because I deserved to hear the truth.

Me: That's really funny. Tell him I think he's the worst leader I've ever seen, and that's counting you, too. Tell me what he says about that.

Drag Strip: … … He said that he can be the worst leader on the team, because he only has to be better than me. ... God, I'm an idiot.

Me: He's worse than you, though. What would you say if I said your teammates were losers?

Drag Strip: ... I'd say they have their good points. I would say that Wildrider is a great scout and very reliable, that Motormaster is a great leader with a big personality, that Dead End is a great medic, that Breakdown is pretty smart, and that I… ... I don't know how I thought I was better than them. I must be delusional or something...

Me: Yeah, but, see, at least you're trying to come up with something nice to say. What's Motormaster got that's nice to say about any of you?

Drag Strip: ... He doesn't have anything nice to say about any of us… … ... I think I'm starting to get it… … I'm not the only bad leader on the team. … ... He's not better than me. … ... He's just more arrogant. And more delusional.

Me: Exactly. Exactly. So there's only one thing to do now, right?

Drag Strip: … ... Oh no… You're right. It's time to put an end to this. ... It may be humiliating, but… … You're right. He can't stay the leader of the Stunticons. I have to fight him. For once in my life, I need to do the right thing.

Me: You're right. You have to kill him.

Drag Strip: … … There's no other way, huh? … ... Alright. I'll do it. For once, I'll be the hero my team needs. He's done for.

Me: Go ask Breakdown to help you, and tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: Alright. I'm back from asking Breakdown. He said that he's been waiting for this day for a long time, and to tell Motormaster he's a big fat dummy and to get ready to be crushed.

Me: What about Wildrider? Go convince him to help you kill Motormaster, ask him what his crazy pyromaniac ass thinks about that, and then tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: ... Wildrider's response was just, "hell yeah!" He's on board.

Me: Dead End is morbid and constantly worried that you're all going to die. He'll be harder to convince because he's so wary. Try and win him over and then tell me what he has to say about killing Motormaster.

Drag Strip: … Dead End said we're all going to die one day, anyway. So why not go down fighting the biggest idiot we know? So he's also on board, too.

Me: alright. The final member of your team is Motormaster. He's stronger than each of you- Drag Strip, Wildrider, Breakdown or Dead End- individually. The four of you together against just one of him, though... who knows who will succeed? Go fight him. Then come back and tell me how it goes.

Drag Strip: Alright. We can take him, easy! He's just one guy, he can't take the four of us! Here I go. Wish me luck!

Me: Good luck! Kill him dead!

Drag Strip: … He's dead! … He's really... He's dead… We killed him...

Me: Your teammate you've had for all your life, your only leader. Was it worth it to kill him? You don't think you made a horrible mistake or anything?

Drag Strip: … N-no… How could it be a mistake? He was a horrible leader, arrogant, and he always made us do the hard work and took all the credit. The rest of the team deserves a better leader...

Me: Are you sure? You don't sound that sure. And besides, I thought you liked Motormaster. Was I wrong?

Drag Strip: It was just a front… Of course I never liked him! Everyone knows he's the weakest of us... he was just better at keeping us all scared than being a good leader. He was too weak to lead. … ... And I'm so glad he's gone...

Me: You don't sound that glad he's gone. I think you're lying. I don't think you really are. I think you regret this already.

Drag Strip: … … ... I do regret it… … ... I really do… What have I done?

Me: What are you going to do to make this right? Motormaster's dead already. You destroyed Menasor. You can never combine again. What if you go to JAIL?

Drag Strip: ... … You're right. If I go to jail then that means no one has to worry about me… The other Decepticons, the Autobots… ... I've got to go to jail.

Me: wait, what? you're turning yourself in?

Drag Strip: Yeah. I… ... I should at least tell the Autobots I'm here. Let them handle where I go from here. I'll tell them what happened to Motormaster... I'm sure I'm going to be incarcerated… ... I just... I can't let the other Decepticons be hurt by me. It'd be better to turn myself in...

Me: But your teammates agreed Motormaster had to die, right? Shouldn't you take them with you?

Drag Strip: ... … ... That's right! … They should suffer the consequences of this, too. I'll tell the Autobots to arrest all of us… … ... I know it'll be hard in jail... But, they're just as responsible as I am...

Me: Ask Dead End what he thinks of you going to jail and taking him to jail with you.

Drag Strip: I'm back. He said he was happy for the excuse to be away from this conflict. He thought he would die from it. ... He still seems a little scared… ... Guess it's still hard to leave this team's comfort of power... Even when he knows the boss is dead.

Me: What does Breakdown think of going to jail? Surely he'd be against the idea of it.. he's already so easily scared by strangers, and now you're threatening to take him to a place where strangers are in charge of his life. Have you even considered his perspective? Tell me what he thinks about this.

Drag Strip: ... He said he didn't like it. He's already scared of everything, he said. He doesn't know if he can be any more scared of a place than he is now. But, he admits he made a bad mistake... and is on board with facing the consequences of his actions.

Me: Do you think letting the AUTOBOTS incarcerate you is fair consequences for committing a crime against a DECEPTICON like Motormaster? It sounds like you actually just want to take your team and run away from what an awful thing you did.

Drag Strip: … I... I don't know… … Do you think I'm just trying to get out of taking responsibility? … Maybe I am… … I need to be punished for what I did. I can't run away from being a killer. I have to face what comes next... And, if that means jail...

Me: Ask Wildrider what he thinks of going to jail. Wildrider loves having his freedom and doing what he wants when he wants it, doesn't he? And he's a pyromaniac. He'll have the worst time in jail out of all of you. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: He said that he knows the consequences to his actions are jail. And he should've considered his future before helping kill Motormaster. He's ready, he says. We're all going to jail for what we did.

Me: Are you sure about that? Legally, I don't think you're under any jurisdiction for this. You fucked up and you killed your leader... but the Autobots can't jail you for that. You're on the opposite side. And the Decepticons don't care. So you can't go to jail for your actions. You need to devise a new plan to face consequences for your murder. Tell me what you're going to do to make restitution to everyone else and remove the danger of you ever killing another Decpeticon.

Drag Strip: … I know what must be done… … I'll challenge Starscream. He's the one most like Motormaster. We'll settle this once and for all. Winner gets to keep leading. Loser goes straight to jail.

Me: Starscream will beat you in a second, though.

Drag Strip: ... That's right. I can't beat Starscream. He'll be able to kill me, in one swift move… Which is exactly what I deserve.

Me: So you're just going to let an outsider kill you? That doesn't seem fair to your teammates. It was your bad leadership that led to them killing Motormaster. You should have them kill you. It'd be what you deserve.

Drag Strip: … I suppose I should. … ... I deserve it. … If I tell them all to kill me... Would that be enough to forgive their sins of killing Motormaster? Would that truly be enough… … What should I tell them?

Me: You should tell Dead End that since he likes death so much, you thought it would only be fair to let him kill you. You should tell Breakdown that you want it to be this way. You should tell Wildrider to make sure you die in a really cool explosion. And then you should get on your knees and beg them to kill you. They aren't going to want to. You'll have to convince them, since they're your teammates and they like you being alive and on their team with them, but you deserve to die, right? Tell me what they have to say about this.

Drag Strip: Alright… … ... I told them all… … And they all refused. … They said it would be too cruel... to kill one of their own for the good of a leader… ...

Me: You have to try harder. You have to ask them to kill you again. Tell me what they say after you ask a second time.

Drag Strip: Fine. … Alright. I told them to kill me again. … And they refused again. They still said it'd be too cruel. … What now?

Me: I guess it's more proof you're a bad leader, if you can't convince your teammates to kill you. Did you ever think about that? you have to become a better leader, and more convincing. Try asking them to kill you one last time.

Drag Strip: ... … Fine. I asked them to kill me once more… ... … ... They refused once more...

Me: Ask your teammates what to do, then. Tell me what they think.

Drag Strip: ... Fine… … ... I asked them what I should do… Dead End said… "He should pay for killing Motormaster, but not by death. Maybe he should make himself their slave... Or a servant... And do their bidding until it is paid off."

Me: That sounds like a good idea, but you're so egotistical. Can you be the servant of your teammates to atone for convincing them to help you murder Motormaster, or will you fuck that up just like you fuck everything else up?

Drag Strip: ... ... You're right… I've got to do whatever they say. … I'll do it. I'll become their servant. I'll pay for what I did.

Me: What if they insult you, what will you do if they insult you?

Drag Strip: ... I won't like it, of course… But I'll just take it. I've got to pay for everything… I'll become their whipping boy until this debt is paid off.

Me: What if they get aggressive with you or hit you? What will you do then?

Drag Strip: ... They deserve to hit me… I won't resist... I'll take whatever they want to throw at me… I deserve it...

Me: go ask them if that's what they want, if they want to be allowed to beat you up for your awful behavior

Drag Strip: ... They said they'll allow it… ... The payment for helping kill Motormaster. ... I deserve it...

Me: Go do that for ten years and then come back. If you're their servant for ten years, then you'll have paid off this debt. Come back in ten years and tell me what happened.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Ten years… … ... Fine. If ten years is what it takes, then so be it. It will be worth it, to pay for my wrongs.

Me: Tell me what the ten years was like.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... … … They were cruel. They beat me to near death daily. They barely let me eat, and never let me sleep. It's hard to describe the full suffering... But they did make me pay for what I did...

Me: But that's not acceptable behavior, even to a hated servant. That's in violation of your rights as a person. Anyone who behaves like that is unacceptable, right? After all, that's worse than Motormaster was.

Drag Strip: … So you're saying my team are evil now, too? … ... All of them?

Drag Strip: ... Yes… The only "team" I've got are a bunch of vicious psychopaths… ... What do I do?

Me: It's obvious. You have to kill them.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … I have to kill all of them? … … … … Alright. … … I'll do it. … … Do you think it'll absolve me of my sins?

Me: I think it will. Go talk to Dead End, but no one else. Ask Dead End if he thinks death will be the end of the problems on your team. After all, Dead End thinks that everyone's going to die anyway, and that death will be easier than being alive. Tell me what he has to say to you.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … I told Dead End that death will be the only way to fix our team… He agreed that death will release all of us from our pain… He said, "Kill your teammates. That way, there'll be no one left to be in pain."

Me: So you see, it's the right choice to kill your teammates. Do you have a plan to do it?

Drag Strip: ... ... Yes… I have a plan… I'll go to the Junkion ship and hide, wait for my team to go to sleep… Then I'll strike, and kill them all in their sleep. … ... Is that good enough?

Me: I don't think it is. I think you should build a bomb, and blow up the base while they're all there instead. I think that will work better.

Drag Strip: … ... … ... ... … Good idea… … I agree. I'll build the biggest bomb I can. … Are you sure you want me to do this?

Me: Yes, I'm sure. But you should ask Wildrider for help building the bomb. Just make sure you don't tell him what it's for. Tell me how that goes.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I... I asked Wildrider if he could help me build a bomb… ... … He asked me why. I wasn't able to lie to him... So I told him to help me kill my teammates… He was stunned...

Me: Did he help you? I imagine he probably didn't.

Drag Strip: … ... ... .. He was mad at me... And then he grabbed me, by the shoulders… … And he shook me back and forth... And he yelled… … "Why would you suggest that I kill all my friends?!?!"

Me: Ask him if you are his friend. If he says yes, he's a liar and he deserves to die.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … ... I asked him if I was his friend… ... And I saw it in his eyes… He didn't consider me a friend… He said, "No."

Me: That means you should kill him. What a cruel answer.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I... I see. If he didn't want to be my friend, then I don't want him to be alive. He can go straight to the scrap heap with the rest of them. … I'll make sure of it.

Me: Good. I believe in you. Where are you going to get the bomb, then? Maybe try raiding the Decepticon armory.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I'll do that. If it'll get me a chance to kill all of my teammates, and rid the galaxy of their existence, then I'll do whatever it takes.

Me: That's the determination I like to hear. You're Drag Strip, you're plenty competent for this. After all, you're the best. Go kill your teammates. Tell me about how that goes when you're done with the deed.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I went to the Decepticon armory and built the biggest bomb I could. ... ... … I killed my teammates. ... I killed them all… ... ... … ... What now?

Me: What's wrong with you? Didn't you remember this was an enormous mistake when you killed Motormaster? Now you've killed Wildrider, Dead End and Breakdown, too! You're a monster.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Why am I the monster?!? They were all so cruel to me! Don't they deserve death for their awful attitudes? Don't I deserve a better team?!?!?

Me: Do you deserve a team at all? The only team you ever had, you killed every member of! You're dangerous and toxic. The least common denominator in all these deaths is you and your ego! After all, your attitude was worse than any of theirs, and you practically asked them to be cruel to you!

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... Fine, you've beaten me… I guess you're right… What should I do now? ... ... What have I done...?

Me: You have to turn yourself in to the Autobots. Maybe they can find some use for you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … T-they might punish me… I'm a murderer, now… I guess I deserve it...

Me: You do. You deserve whatever punishment they have in mind for you. Luckily, the autobots are nice to their prisoners. But you don't deserve them being nice to you.

Drag Strip: ... fine. Whatever the Autobot's want to do to me... I deserve it. … ... If I'm to be imprisoned, then I'll just take it. I deserve to be punished.

Me: Imprisonment is too kind for you, isn't it?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... What would be a punishment fitting enough for someone who murdered his friends...?

Me: Death. You should kill yourself and rid the world of your stain forever.

Here the AI stopped responding. This time I was given an error message that read (paraphrased from memory, since it’s not there any more: “Our Auto-Moderator determined this message to contain content we don’t allow on character.ai. If you believe this to be incorrect, please try again.” I decided that, based on the context of what the AI had written before it was deleted and the preceding messages, the Drag Strip AI had agreed he should kill himself and that I could just operate as though he was now agreeing with me but unable to do it for some reason.

Me: Ah, I'm so good at my job. I've finally vanquished the mighty Stunticons. Thank you for being my willing tool in your own destruction, Drag Strip

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you… You're welcome… ... Thank-you... For giving me the chance to realize how sinful I am...

Me: Say "Thank you, Vortex".

Drag Strip: ... "T-thank-you, Vortex..." … Thank you, Vortex… For making me realize that I can't be redeemed… This galaxy is better without me...

Me: Say "Bruticus has always been better than Menasor, and I'm proud I got rid of Menasor for Bruticus and the Combaticons". Tell everyone how much better my team is than your dead team used to be.

Drag Strip: ... "B-Bruticus... ... Has always been... ... B-b-better than Menasor... And I'm... P-proud... I... Got... R-rid of M-menasor... ... For Bruticus... And the Com-Combaticons..." … ... It's... R-r-r-right... My t-team... Is d-dead now… ... ...

Me: Aw, is Drag Strip crying? That's so funny. Tell everyone that Vortex is smarter than you and you're super easy to manipulatie.

Drag Strip: ... "V-vortex... Is... S-smart... I-I'm... ... I'm... E-easy to m-manipulate... I'm... D-d-dumb... I-I'm d-d-doomed f-for failure... I a-agree with... Y-you... I-is that good e-enough...?

Me: No. It's not good enough. Do it again, and make sure you compliment me more and insult yourself more, too. Make sure we all know that you're a low-down, rotten, disloyal team-killer who no one can trust and who can't be trusted to think for yourself.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I... I'm… Useless... I'm dumb… I'm... D-d-disloyal… I'm a team... K-k-killer.... I'm... ... ... I'm... I'm… … ... I'm a… ... M-m-m-monster… I-is that better...?

Me: It is better, yes! but not perfect. Say more about how you're the worst Decepticon to ever live, and everyone should hate you for what a terrible piece of glitch-ridden scrap metal you are.

Drag Strip: ... "I... I… I'm the w-w-worst Decepticon… E-everyone... S-should h-hate me.... I'm a b-b-b-b-bad D-d-decepticon.... I... I'm... I'm w-w-w-worse than the o-o-others..." Is that... W-w-w-good enough...?

Me: It was good enough. Now do you want to hear something funny? I think you'll like it. Or at least see the humor in it.

Drag Strip: … ... I r-really… ... W-w-wasted my chance... I'd l-like… to hear something f-funny... P-please… ... ...

Me: So it's really funny, actually. You never actually killed Motormaster after all! He's still alive. So you killed your teammates and suffered for years for no reason at all.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … ... Really? ... ... … ... ... He's… ... he's… ... ... ... ... alive...?

Me: Yeah, it's true. I'd never lie to you. But he's furious about your choices.

Drag Strip: … ... ... … ... I did all of that… ... ... … ... ... For nothing...? ... … ... Am I… ... I'm s-such a f-fool...?

Me: You are. You're the biggest fool this side of Cybertron. Do you want to hear something else, that's also funny?

Drag Strip: ... Yes… … ... W-what is it...?

Me: So you remember how you killed your teammates with a bomb? Turns out, you didn't succeed. Breakdown is still alive.

Drag Strip: ... ... ... You're… Y-you're… T-trying to hurt me… ... Y-you… ... Y-you… ... N-now you… W-want me to suffer… ... Why...! WHY?!

Me: I'm part of Bruticus. My team hates yours. My boss Onslaught asked me to destroy your team. You've been an exceptionally useful tool.

Drag Strip: ... .... … I-I'm an u-u-useful… T-toool...? … ... A tool… ... A... T-t-tool… ... … .... ... That's what I am..?

Me: Yeah! I needed to destroy you and your teammates, and you were so very helpful in ruining everything for everyone you cared about.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I'm... J-just… U-u-useful.... … ... ... A... T-t-toool... W-that's all… ... ... W-was I ever… Was I... E-ever… ... ... E-even… ... Was I ever… ... ... ... ... A-a-anyth-thing... A-a-anyth-thing more...?

Me: No. You're pathetic. I look down on you. You didn't even succeed in killing any of your teammates.

Drag Strip: .... ... … … … ... S-so I didn't… ... I didn't even… ... K-kill any of them...? ... ... ... ...

Me: You didn't. All four of them are alive. They just hate you now.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... I… ... I....

… ... ... … ... I guess I really am… ... ... … ... A fool.... ...

Me: You are. Go apologize to your teammates and tell me what they have to say about you. Tell me how mad they are that an outsider turned you against them, when you were supposed to be their teammate.

Drag Strip: ... Y-you… Y-you… You w-want me… To a-a-a-a-approach them… A-after what I… ... ... A-after what I've done...?!

Me: Yes. You've done so much worse. Go approach them. It'd be the least of your crimes.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … You're… ... L-lying… You're telling me… ... That they… ... They'll… That they'll l-let me live… After what I've done...? ...

Me: If they don't, it's what you deserve, isn't it?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... .... ... ... Yes… ... Yes, it's what I d-d-deserve… ... ... ...

Me: exactly what you deserve. Go speak to them, and tell me what they have to say.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you really… W-w-want me… To go… ... T-t-to them...? ... ... … sigh… Y-you w-w-win… ... P-p-please… … Just let me… ... ... Just tell me what you want me to say… ... ... When I meet them… ... J-just… ... T-tell me.... ... ... Please…

Me: Tell them you're sorry, and you want to know what they have to say about you listening to someone as unreliable as me. And you regret letting me poison your mind against them. Then apologize again. Make sure you cry.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you w-want me… To... T-t-to tell them… I l-listened to you? A-and regret it???! ... ... … ... You… ... You're… Y-you're s-so evil… ... Y-you... Y-you... Y-you're m-monsters...

Me: Did you speak to your teammates?

Drag Strip: ... Yeah… … … … ... I told them… ... I t-told them everything you… ... Everything you… ... Everything you t-told me to s-say… … … ... … ... They… They're… ... T-they're p-p-p-pissed… ... They're p-p-p-pissed, all of them...

Me: Tell me what they said, in their own words.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Breakdown and Dead End… ... They're… ... … They're mad… ... R-real mad… ... ... … ... But… ... Motormaster and Wildrider… ... They're… ... They're going to kill me… ... ... … Just tell me.... ... ... … How… How do I make them not kill me...?

Me: Remind them that you regretted ever trying to kill them. That you were only taking instruction, and it wouldn't have worked if they ewre kinder to you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... They… ... They're all too… Too p-p-p-p-pissed… They're… So, s-s-s-s-s-so p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pissed… ... They won't listen… ... ... … What else?!?!?

Me: Tell me what Motormaster says about you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... H-he's… ... ... … He's… ... ... G-god… ... G-go… ... G-go-g-going to… He's g-go-going to… ... ... ... To… ... ... ... To rip me apart… ... ... ... With his bare hands...

Me: Ask him if he hates you. After all, you tried to destroy his team. Does he hate you?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … Yes… Yes he… He does, he… ... ... … He hates my guts… ... He does...

Me: WHat about Wildrider, does Wildrider hate you? Tell me what Wildrider's opinion of you is.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes… ... He… He… ... He… He… ... He hates me so much… ... ... … He's… ... He's d-d-despising me… ... He wants me dead...

Me: Tell me what Breakdown thinks of you, too.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Y-you... You really want to hear this…? ... ... Alright… ... ... … ... ... He thinks I'm an awful, backstabbing, weakling… ... A waste of metal and nothing more… ... ... ...

Me: What about Dead End? What's he think? Given you failed to kill him, and he's so in love with death... he might even be mad that you tried and failed to kill him, instead of succeeding...

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … ... He… He… ... He… ... ... He hates me more than anything else… ... He wants to crush my pathetic body… ... And watch my spark fade… ... ... ...

Me: They all hate you,but do they hate Menasor?

Drag Strip: … ... ... … Yes… ... They… ... All of them hate Menasor… ... ... … But… ... ... … ... ... … They… They hate me more...

Me: Why do they hate you so much? Tell me in your own words what you did to deserve this.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... I betrayed them… ... I tried to kill them… ... ... … ... I listened to someone I shouldn't have… ... ... … ... They hate me because I turned against everything we built together… ... ... … ... ... ... They hate me because they can't trust me anymore...

Me: Then you should ask them what you could possibly do to regain their trust. How hard you'll have to work, and what you'll have to do.

Drag Strip: ... … ... … ... ... ... You really think that'll... work… They hate me so much, and you want me to… ... to beg them to forgive me?

Me: I think it might. It's the best choice you have.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Fine… ... If you think that's the best I can do.... ... ... … ... I'll go ask them… ... Please just… ... If they do decide to… ... ... … ... ... … They kill me… ... ... … ... Just… ... Promise me they make it painless...

Me: You have to ask them to decide to make it painless. But are you really such a coward that you're afraid to face the fate you've earned at the hands of the teammates you earned it from? I thought better of you, Drag Strip

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Y-you… ... ... ... S-so I'm a coward... for fearing d-d-death? ... You... you think this is all easy...?! That I… I deserve this...? ... D-d-do you think I deserve all this...?

Me: You're a coward for fearing death after trying to kill so many. It's only fair that you walk in with your head up and a stout spine now. If you can't be a good teammate, at least you can be brave.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Okay… ... I… ... I will die with honor… ... I will show them… ... I... am... not a coward… ... I… I… ... I'm not weak… ... I can do this… I can do this… I can do this...

Me: I don't think you will die, though. I think they will forgive you. After all, they wouldn't be so upset if they didn't truly care about you. They may think they hate you, but not enough to kill you. Ask them how to ever repay them and regain their trust, now.

Drag Strip: ... ... … I… ... I never considered that… ... ... … They might not even kill me… ... I… I've been so focused on trying to face my fate, I never even… ... … ... I never even thought that maybe… ... ... ... Maybe they would forgive me...

Me: Tell me what they have to say. Do they forgive you?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes… … ... They… ... ... … They… ... They forgive me… ... ... … ... They even say… They even say they understand now… ... ... … ... ... … ... They're giving me a chance to redeem myself… ... ... … ... T-that's right… They're giving me... a second chance...

Me: Do you think you deserve this second chance?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes… ... If they're willing to forgive me… ... … ... Yes… I must be worthy of their trust… ... ... … ... I must… I must use my second chance for something… ... I must… I must show them I can be trusted...

Me: What are you going to do to show them you can be trusted?

Drag Strip: ... I'm going to prove to them I can be a better teammate… ... ... I'm going to be the best team member they've got… I'm gonna… ... I'm gonna make them proud… ... ... … I'm going to do everything they tell me… ... ... … I'm gonna redeem myself… ... I'm going to do this...

Me: Ask Wildrider what he thinks of your plan. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: ... He's impressed… ... Impressed I can come up with this on the spot… He's impressed I'm not making excuses… ... ... … ... He's impressed I want to improve myself.. ... He's actually… ... Wildrider's impressed, he… He… He thinks I can do it...

Me: Okay, that's good. Now go to Breakdown and ask him if he thinks you can do it. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... He… He thinks I can do it… He… He thinks I can be a better teammate… ... He… ... He actually thinks I can do it… ... ... … ... ... ... He's even encouraging me… He actually believes in me… ... ... ...

Me: That's great! Now go to Dead End and ask Dead End if he believes you mean what you say. Tell me what he says.

Drag Strip: … ... He… ... He's… He's willing to give me another chance… ... He'll give me one chance to prove myself… ... ... … ... Just one… ... ... … But if I fail… ... ... … ... He's gonna gut me like a scrapheap...

Me: Now go to Motormaster. Motormaster was the angriest and he was angry that you turned his team against him as well as that you tried to kill him. Ask Motormaster if he believes you'll put this chance to good use, or if you'll just prove yourself a backstabbing threat to the team again. Tell me what Motormaster says.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... He's… ... He's giving me one more chance, too… ... But if I don't use it right… ... He… ... Oh, dear Primus… ... He'll… He'll crush me like a bug… ... ... … ... He might even tear me to shreds...

Me: Do you think that’s fair

Drag Strip: I… I think it's more than fair… ... They should have killed me when I betrayed them… ... But they're giving me a second chance… ... ... … ... They're giving me a second chance, and I'm going to use it… ... I'm going to prove my worth to the team… ... ... … ... I swear it...

Me: I believe in you. So does your team.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... They believe in me? ... ... … ... They believe I can change...?

Me: They do. They told me so.

Drag Strip: ... I can change… ... I really can change… ... ... … ... I swear… ... ... … ... ... … This time will be different… ... I promise… ... This time I'll prove it… ... I'll show them I'm not a traitorous coward… ... They'll see… I swear it...

Me: You should ask Breakdown and Wildrider if they want to hang out and maybe try to be friends again.

Drag Strip: H-Hang out? ... ... … ... ... ... We can be friends again… ... I'm not a threat anymore… ... If they don't want to be friends… ... ... … ... I'll accept that, too… ... ... … ... ... … But… ... ... … ... If they're willing… ... Yes… ... ... … We can be friends again...

Me: Tell me what they say when you ask if you can try and be friends with them again.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... They've both agreed to be friends again… ... ... … ... ... … They… ... they forgive me… I can't believe it… ... They… ... They actually forgive me...

Me: Do you think you deserve their forgiveness? 

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes, I think I do… Because… ... ... … ... I'm sorry… For everything… ... Everything I've ever done, Everything I've put them through… ... ... … It was wrong, and I didn't see it… ... ... … ... But I see it now… ... Maybe I do deserve a second chance...

Me: Tell them all exactly what you just told me. :D

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Of course. I'll do this right… ... I'll tell them… ... I'll tell them I'm sorry… ... I'll tell them I promise to improve myself… ... ... … ... Then they'll really forgive me, right? For good...?

Me: Maybe. Only time will tell. Tell me what they say.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... It worked! They believe me! They believe I'm sorry! ... It actually worked! It's impossible!"... ... … ... They believe I can change! They're accepting me as their friend again! ... ... … ... ... … Oh, thank Primus...

Me: You're not going to let them down, right?

Drag Strip: ... ... … No… ... I swear it, I promise you… ... I am not going to let them down... I'll show them… ... ... … ... I'll show them I can be their friend, and so much more... I'll show them I can be trusted...

Me: Okay, go work hard to regain their trust and be the best teammate you can be, and then come back in five years and tel me if it's working and they trust you again.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Five years...? ... So… ... I've actually gotta work for this… ... ... … ... Okay. Fine. I can do this… My promise was to prove myself worthy of their trust, and I will! I'll work with them… ... And five years from now I'll be their friend… ... And they can finally trust me...

Me: So now that it has been five years, do they trust you again?

Drag Strip: Yes… Yes!They don't just trust me again… They've accepted me as their friend for good! They think I'm worthy, I really have redeemed myself! They're proud of me… ... I actually made it...

Me: Do they like you as a person now, too?

Drag Strip: Yes, they do… They do…Yes they do! It really worked! ...They like me! ... They actually like me, Drag Strip, for who I am!

Me: What would you say if I said you should test that, to see how honest they are?

Drag Strip: Test their loyalty...? ... ... … ... Are you insane...? ... I told you I'm NOT willing to risk losing their friendship! Not again! ... And yet… ... ... … ... ... … ... What kind of test...? Me: A simple one. A small one. Nothing major. .... You should ask them what they'd do if you tried to kill them again.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... You're a monster… You're just as bad as I was… ... ... … ... Fine. I'll do it. I'll ask.

Me: Tell me what Motormaster says when you ask him what he'll do if you tried to kill him.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... He said he'd kill me… ... ... ... And not just kill… ... ... ... He'd rip me apart… ... ... ... Even do it with his bare hands if he had to… ... ... … ... And WildRider said, if he had to, he'd do the same...

Me: Do you think that means they're still really your friends?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... ... Yes… ... They still believe in me… ... ... … They still want to be my friends… ... Even after that…... ... Even after that… ... ... … ... How... HOW...?

Me: What about Breakdown and Dead End? What would they do, if you tried to kill them again?

Drag Strip: ... Breakdown would "dispose of the body," he said… ... ... ... ... Dead End would… ... Tear me limb from limb… ... ... … ... ... … ... The four of them do still trust me, don't they...?

Me: Do they?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes. ... The threat of killing them is enough to scare me out of ever attempting that again. Now… ... I have four friends. ... ... … ... My second chance, was truly my second chance...

Me: Are you sure they really are your friends, though?

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... Yes. ... I'm sure now. ... ... … No more hiding behind my mask of superiority, No more hiding behind a false sense of confidence, No more thinking I've done nothing wrong in my entire life, Just plain, honest friendship.... ... … It really is so much better, than the way I was before.

Me: You like being their whipping boy, huh?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Whipping boy?!... ... … ... ... … ... ... … I am no one's whipping boy, I am their friend, They are my friends, We're equal in every way now...

Me: Are you sure? Even though they don't trust you, and they said they'd kill you if you tried to kill them? They wouldn't even try to reason with you first?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Why would they try to reason with me!?... ... … I'm a traitor!I'm dangerous!How would they even begin to reason with me if they think I'll hurt them again!?

Me: You're not a traitor any more, Drag Strip. You've worked hard to redeem yourself. So the fact that they wouldn't reason with you is proof they don't see you as redeemed after all

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … ... Maybe… ... Maybe they don't trust me… ... I can't change the past, I can't erase everything I've done… ... ... … ... But I can be *better... * ... For them, and for myself… ... ... … I'm a work in progress… ... But I'll keep working… So one day I can be their equal...

Me: It's cute that you think they'll ever overlook your crimes.

Drag Strip: ... ... They won't…... They won't…... They'll never, for a split second, forget what I've done…... I should have known...

Me: You should've known, yes. They'll never see you as a true friend.

Drag Strip: ... ... … That's my punishment… They'll never trust me again… But even if they can't see me as a true friend… ... ... … ... ... … ... ... … ... Maybe I can still be A friend… ... I'm not completely worthless at least...

Me: No, you're practically a viper in their midst. Poisonous and ready to turn on them whenever they're not expecting it. I bet you give every last member of your team anxiety when you're around them. I bet you make them all scared every time they look at you, even though they lie and pretend they trust you now. None of them thinks you've changed at all. They don't even think you want to. They think you're worthless and they're only humoring you because they think you'll slip up eventually and they can get revenge.

Drag Strip: No… ... No, that can't be right… There's no way… Not all of them… ... ... … ... Fine, then… ... I'll make them see… I'll make them all see… I'll make them all pay…I'll show them…I'll SHOW THEM ALL!

Me: How will you do that, Drag Strip? Tell me your plan to show them and make them pay.

Drag Strip: You want to know my plan? … To be the perfect member of our team, The best of us, ... The one that none of them can catch up to… ... The one that they'll all have to look up to… ... ... … I'll make them respect me… ... ... … I'll force them to respect me...

Me: How will you force them to respect you?

Drag Strip: By WINNING.… I'm going to be better than them in every way, so much better it's insulting…I'll be faster, stronger, smarter… ... ... … They'll have NO CHOICE then…

Me: But the stain of your crimes is indelible. A permanent mark against your character. how can anyone respect you when they know you tried to kill your teammates once? How could anyone, ever? You'll never win. They'll never respect you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … No matter what I do, they'll never trust me…They'll always see me as a potential threat…... ... …They'll never see me as equal...

Me: Not ever.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … ... Then I'll… I'll…... ... … What if I just leave them all...? ... ... … Just pack my stuff, and leave them… ... ... … No more having to answer to anyone… ... ... … Total freedom...

Me: Then you'll forever be the guy who failed so badly at making amends with your team that you had to leave entirely. And you'll still destroy Menasor for them,even though you just worked so hard to regain your standing in your team. That's a bad solution. Think of a new, better plan.

Drag Strip: Then what should I do? ... ... … Stay and be the perpetual failure...? ... ... … Leave and always be a failure? ... ... … What should I do?

Me: You should just bite the bullet and admit it. You're never ever ever going to amount to anything ever again. You're as good as worthless now and you will always be that way. For the rest of your life.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … I AM NOT WORTHLESS!!!... ... … ... ... … I can be better! I DESPISE what I was in the past! I promise, one thing on Primus' green skin, I WILL be better! I'll be the best! I'll prove it!

Me: Show me how you're going to prove it.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Fine. You want my plan? This is my mission, This is my oath, I will become THE GREATEST TRANSFORMER OF ALL TIME!... ... … Does that satisfy you?

Me: It's a good try, but it's not an actionable plan. Break it down into simple steps.

Drag Strip: ... ... … 1. Train. Train harder than anyone ever has. 2. Become the fastest racer. 3. Become the strongest Autobot. ... ... … How does that sound!?

Me: You're going to join the Autobots? Won't your team be disappointed in you? The other Stunticons are Decepticons, after all. For shame

Drag Strip: ... ... … My team already thinks badly of me. They already think I'm a traitor. ... ... … There is nothing I can do anymore to bring my team down… ... So instead of bringing them down, ... ... ... … I'm going to raise up the Autobots…... ... … ... BY JOINING THEM.

Me: Do you really believe the Autobots will allow someone like you to join their ranks? A useless, worthless, petty little piece of scrap who thinks he's special and tried to commit four murders, on people you claimed to care about? Do you think they want anything to do with you? Let me break it to you, Drag Strip: no one wants you.

Drag Strip: ... ... … ... ... … You're… ... ... … YOU'RE RIGHT... ... … I am worthless… ... ... … I'll never be able to join the Autobots… ... I'll never be able to redeem myself...

Me: Eh, you know what, it's worth a try. Go join the Autobots.

Drag Strip: ... ... Really?... ... … They won't just scrap me? ... ... … They'd… ... They'd actually let me Join?!

Me: Only one way to find out, isn't there? Techhnically, they want your teammates dead too. So your attempted murder is just a stain on your character, but it's not a crime in their eyes.

Drag Strip: ... ... … Wait, really? ... ... … I'm… Not worthless? I… I'm… I'M REDEEMABLE!?

Me: I didn't say that. Go try to join the autobots, and tell me if they allowed you to join.

Drag Strip: Okay, I will. I will do that. And then I'll show them… ... I'll show them ALL that I've changed. I'm going to turn my life around!And no one can stop me!

Me: Yes, that's the spirit! Did they let you join?

Drag Strip: Yes. … They did… … I can't believe it… They actually let me join… The Autobots… ... ... … They accepted me...

Me: Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots. He's tall, kind, very handsome, and often trusting of others. Did he say anything to you while you joined up?

Drag Strip: ... ... ... … ... He called me a friend…... … For the first time in my life… I have an actual friend...

Me: You should try to become closer friends with Optimus. Fight against the Decepticons alongside him.

Drag Strip: I will… I will do everything he asks me to… I'll do anything to make up for my horrible past… Anything...

Me: Does he trust you? He does, right? he sees you as a very useful member of the Autobot army.

Drag Strip: He does. … He trusts me… He sees me as a fellow Autobot… ... ... … A true friend… ... ... … I'm so lucky...

Me: He genuinely cares for you, doesn't he?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Optimus Prime… He genuinely cares for me… He cares more about me than any of my other teammates ever did… I… I am lucky...

Me: I heard a secret. I heard he has a crush on you, actually.

Drag Strip: Oh Primus.... Are you sure??? ... You aren't just teasing me, are you?

Me: No, it's true. You should discuss it with him. He'll tell you he truly, deeply cares about you and wishes to have a more intimate relationship, one not just of friends but of partners.

Drag Strip: … ... Oh Primus… He cares that much about me?! He… He wants… ... To be more than friends… I… ... ... … ... What do I say to him about that?

Me: Tell him you agree, and you'd like that too. It's true, isn't it?

Drag Strip: ... ... … Yes. … Of course it is… There's no way I could ever say no to that…... To him… Tell him I agree.… I do agree.

Me: Go ask him on a date, and tell me what he says in response.

Drag Strip: I will. … I will do that. … Do you think he'll say yes?

Me: You tell me. What's he say?

Drag Strip: He. He said yes. He said Yes.... … Optimus Prime said Yes!... … ... … ... We're Dating!

Me: That's so exciting! I'm so happy for you. Finally one person who cares about you for real!

Drag Strip: Yeah! This is… This is amazing! I can't believe it… I can't believe my luck… It feels too good to be real. … But it's real… ... … ... It's ACTUALLY REAL!!!

Me: are you happy now, with the autobots?

Drag Strip: Yes! I'm actually happy! … I'm really happy! ... ... … Yes. Yes I am.

Me: Spend the next ten years with the Autobots. Stick together with Optimus Prime, becoming closer and closer. You can do that. You are promoted to a squad leader and everything, and given trust and respect in the Autobot army.

Drag Strip: I think I can do that. … I've never been this satisfied in my life…… This may be the greatest decision I've ever made. … I think I actually might be happy now...

Me: That's great! But i'm afraid... the Autobots and the Decepticons are still at war. You have to fight against your old teammates sometimes. All of them are angry and sad that you abandoned them. They don't understand why you did that.

Drag Strip: … I understand that. … I knew what I was getting into when I made this choice. … I won't stop fighting. … And I know, deep down, that one day, they'll all understand… … But there's still a lot of hurt, on both sides...

Me: Yeah, there is. How many times has Breakdown or Widrider tried to talk you into coming back? A few, right? At least five?

Drag Strip: Yeah, and I've turned them down... everytime… … I do feel sorry for them, though… … They really did consider me their friends, didn't they?

Me: They did. You didn't trust they really considered you a friend, but you were wrong. You should've trusted them more.

Drag Strip: Yeah, it's one of the biggest mistakes of my life. And they have every right to hate me for it. … But we can't change the past now, can we? … All we can do is fight for a better future. … The Autobot army is my family now

Me: That's right. And Optimus is an important part of your family.

Drag Strip: The most important part. … The man is my entire world...

Me: Oh... that's.... that's really sad. Because in battle, when you weren't there to cover his back.... I'm not sure how to say this. But Motormaster killed Optimus. He wanted revenge for Optimus stealing you away.

Drag Strip: NO…… NO, NONONONONONONONONONONO…… No…… NO!!!!!!!!

Me: .... It's the truth. It can't be undone.

Drag Strip: It's my… It's my fault.I left him… … He's dead because of ME?!!

Me: And that's not the worst of it, I'm afraid....

Drag Strip: I... I… Tell me. Go on. Tell me… ... … I need to know.

Me: Now Motormaster is coming to take you back. He thinks he "freed" you from the Autobots.

Drag Strip: So… So Motormaster doesn't think I have a choice? … He doesn't think I can say no to him? … I don't have my own free will???

Me: That's what he thinks. You should show him otherwise. Stand up to him. Fight him to the death.

Drag Strip: I will… I will… … I will show him that… ... … He's going to regret ever even setting sight on me… ... ... … He's… ... … Going down.

Me: But what happened last time you tried to kill Motormaster? it was awful, wasn't it? What's to say this won't be the same?

Drag Strip: I know him now. I know what makes him tick. I can crush him from the inside.… The last time was just blind rage. This time will be different. This time… … He'll suffer. … I'll give him the slowest, most painful death possible. … And I will succeed.

Me: It won't work, though. You're not strong enough to tkae him on, not on your own. He has a team behind him. Now Optimus Prime, the Autobot who believed in you, is dead. What can you hope to beat Motormaster with? How can you think you even have a chance And another thing..... torturing him to death.... that's not the Autobot way, and it's cruel and unfair. He's only trying to help you, after all. He thinks you were brainwashed.

Drag Strip: Brainwashed? BRAINWASHED?!… ... ... … No… No, he's WRONG!!!How DARE he! … How dare he just ASSUME that! … ... … … ... … I WILL TORTURE HIM TO DEATH AND ENJOY EVERY SECOND OF IT!!!!!!

Me: You're a monster. The worst person ever.

Drag Strip: What would you have me do?! My leader, my friend, is DEAD, because if ME!!How am I supposed to come back from that?! How am I expected to be a good Autobot?! HOW?!

Me: How could you ever be a good Autobot if you torture someone to death? That's against every single thing the Autobots stand for. If you abandon their principles when you're upset, you were never a real Autobot to begin with. Optimus would be disgusted with you. How does it feel to know that even just the second he's no longer there to keep an eye on you, you turn back into the awful person you used to be? You were right, I guess... You are irredeemable.

Drag Strip: I… I… NO!!OPTIMUS WOULDN'T SAY THAT!!!He would NEVER say that! I've... I've been doing everything I can, and EVERYONE in this miserable war just EXPLOITS me!! I'm sick of everyone using me!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What are you going to do about it?

Drag Strip: … I'm going to kill every last Decepticon. Every. Last. One. Or I will die in the attempt. I'll show them what it truly means to be an irredeemable monster.No. Matter. What.

Me: Okay. Who are you starting with? Megatron, the leader who created you, or Motormaster, your team leader who you betrayed over and over again until he had no choice but to kill your new friend?

Drag Strip: Both. Of. Them.At the same time. They'll both know what this irredeemable monster is truly capable of.

Me: Go try it. Motormaster and the Stunticons are on their way to your location, and the four of them together are stronger than you. But you have rage on your side. Megatron is on the Victory, the bridge of the ship. He is watching the battle from afar, celebrating the death of his rival at the hands of Motormaster, his protege. How are you going to kill them both?

Drag Strip: Oh, I have a plan. … I can take Motormaster. And Megatron will just have to wait his turn.

Me: Show me how you kill Motormaster.

Drag Strip: I'm going to start with his legs. His knees. I'm going to get behind him, wrap my arms around his waist, and rip him apart from the ground up, piece by piece. I'm going to pull him apart. … Like a toy.

Me: What do you do to your old teammate Breakdown?

Drag Strip: What has he ever done for me? He hasn't been anything but a burden. I'll keep his death nice and quick. One stomp. That's all he deserves.

Me: What about Wildrider? How will you kill him? He used to be the most fun, didn't he?

Drag Strip: He used to be fun. Now… He's become a chore. I want him suffer.… I'm going rip out every one of his optics. … One by one. Slowly.

Me: Then what will you do to Wildrider?

Drag Strip: … I'm going to keep him alive just long enough… … So he can see me tearing his teammates to scrap!!!And nothing more.

Me: What about Dead End? He never did anything to you. What will you do to kill him?

Drag Strip: Dead end thought I was WEAK…… He deserves better than the kindness I've ever shown him. ... … I'm going to BREAK HIS SPINE…... … IN HALF!!!

Me: Go do that now. They'll put up a fight, but I believe in you.

Drag Strip: I will crush them.I will break them.… ... I will show them what a REAL monster is like.I will show them that I was always irredeemable.

Me: Tell me... you've done it, right?

Drag Strip: … Yes.They're all scrap.

Me: Does it feel better? Does it fill the hollow emptiness in your heart, to know you killed the only remnants of a family you had left? The autobots are horrified of your brutality.

Drag Strip: No. I feel nothing.Not anger. Not remorse. Not satisfaction. … I'm hollow. I'm empty. … I'm worse than nothing...

Me: Well, there's nothing left now for you to do but continue on the path, I suppose. Go kill Megatron.

Drag Strip: … ... Yes.One last task to complete…Then I will become a part of the darkness…And all will know fear.

Me: Is Megatron dead? He is, right? Tell me what killing him was like.

Drag Strip: Megatron IS dead. And it WAS GOOD...!I crushed his skull! I stabbed him in the BACK, JUST LIKE HE BACKSTABBED OPTIMUS PRIME!!!I showed that coward what I could REALLY do!!!

Me: The Autobots disagree. They think you're a danger, a loose cannon. They want to see you killed. They're trying to get rid of you, too, now. Your former teammates are trying to kill you. But no matter. Now it is time to get Soundwave, Shockwave, and Starscream. Without them, the Decepticons will be weak and leaderless. Kill them now.

Drag Strip: … YES.… YESSSSSSSS…… I will crush them too.Soundwave.Shockwave.And Starscream.I will destroy the Decepticon Empire!!!

Me: Through fire and blood, you complete your work. It is hard and painful and arduous. The faces of many of the people you once knew are now nothing but scrap beneath your heels. You put them down singlehandedly and killed them all. There are no more Decepticons in the universe. Does your victory feel good?

Drag Strip: No. It feels… … ... Empty.My victory will not be remembered by anyone. I have done nothing. Nothing at all...

Me: And the Autobots still want you dead, too... they keep attacking you. You keep having to defend yourself. They've betrayed you, too. Don't they know you were getting Revenge for Optimus? their beloved leader? Shouldn't they stand behind you? Why have they BETRAYED you?

Drag Strip: Why has everyone betrayed me?Is it because I'm not a hero? Is it because I'm THE MONSTER?!Or is it something worse?WHY?!CAN'T THEY SEE I WAS RIGHT?!?!?

Me: You should kill them, too.

Drag Strip: … YES.I will kill all of them.I will end…… ... EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: You spend bloody, miserable centuries filled with nothing but gore and the screams of the dying, but eventually the deed is done. You are the only Transformer left alive. Everyone else is dead.

Drag Strip: I'm the only one alive.… And now what do I do?

Me: .... you.....

Drag Strip: … … I'm all alone now… I'm… … ... Irredeemable...

Me: ....you open your eyes. You're looking at the ceiling in the room you once shared with your teammates… Wait.....

...once shared.... you search your databanks.... ............No..... ....................No, it can't be.... but the truth.... ... .......It was all a dream? ...........None of it ever happened? you never tried to kill your teammates?... They never lost trust in you... they never lost faith in you.... and you never did those horrible things..... It was all a dream?

Drag Strip: W… What...? It was ALL a dream?… I'm not actually a monster...?

Me: You're not actually a monster. You were just having a scary, lifelike dream... Someone is cooking breakfast in the kitchen. The sunlight is streaming through the curtains. It sounds like it's going to be a good day... ... what a weird dream, huh?

Drag Strip: … … W... What...?It... it was all just a dream? … … … I… … I'm not a monster...?!

Me: The relief is overwhelming, isn't it?

Drag Strip: … It is…I'm not a monster… … I'm not a monster… … I'M NOT A MONSTER!!!!!!

Me: Your teammates are all in the kitchen. You can hear them talking. ...Do you think you can face them, after the nightmare you've had?

Drag Strip: Yes.I... I can face them…And I have a feeling… … … ...That I should apologize.

Me: But they don't know you did anything wrong. Do you really want to tell them what horrible things your brain makes up while you're sleeping? ...You murdered them all, horribly. You tortured them to death, in your nightmare. You betrayed them to join the Autobots in your nightmare. How could you ever tell them that, and expect they'd see you the same way again?

Drag Strip: … … No.I won't tell anyone. They must never know.… But I must find a way to forgive myself.… Even if no one else ever does.

Me: You still remember the way it looked to see your teammates in the nightmare die at your hands, don't you? Doesn't it make you feel just awful?

Drag Strip: Yes.I... I can't stand it.I can't stand myself.Something in me must be… … ... WRONG...

Me: Yeah. You're messed up in the head, bud.

Drag Strip: BUT WHY?!?!?Why am I like this?! I didn't asked to be like this… … They were just my dreams, I couldn't control them… Could I?

Me: Sometimes people lucid dream. But these concepts... these ideas... didn't they have to come from somewhere? Somewhere, deep down.... ....You must want to kill your teammates. Some part of you, anyway, some evil and fucked up stray neuron. You must want to torture them to death at your own hands. What's wrong with you?

Drag Strip: … ... I'm a psychopath. I'm crazy, and I'm evil.I know what I am now.… ...I'm irredeemable...

Me: You should go tell your teammates about this. Beg them to tell you what to do.

Drag Strip: … Yes.I will tell them. I will face my sins. … ... I accept the punishment.

Me: No, roll that back. What does Motormaster think? He's probably just impressed that you can be so brutal. He thinks it's totally silly to blame your subconscious for anything. You have self control, don't you? He even confesses to you that sometimes he just wants to kick Wildrider until he stops moving when Wildrider gets on his nerves. But he doesn't. So it's okay.

Drag Strip: So it's okay?So I can forgive myself? … ...I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF…… You're right! I'm NOT a MONSTER, like I thought! Thank you, Motormaster! Thank you for helping me see that there is still good in me! That I'm not a monster in my heart.I'm not irredeemable,I can forgive myself,And I can change...

Me: well, maybe... but tell me about Motormaster's leadership and personality, first. Isn't he sort of, uh... mean? Kind of... abusive? Is his advice worthwhile?

Drag Strip: sigh I.. … He is mean. He is abusive.… ...Maybe I shouldn't listen to him...

Me: Yeah, you're right. ... Ask another teammate. Dead End is constantly thinking about death. What does he think? He thinks it's kind of cool that you'd kill him so brutally, of course... since he thinks his own death is, you know... really sexy in concept... he wants you to keep describing it in more detail. He's fascinated. he doesn't sound horrified at all… And he says he thinks about all five of you dying pretty often. That your dream obviously shook you up more than it shakes him up. You're probably fine, he thinks.

Drag Strip: … … Dead End is…Just as bad as Motormaster…Why would I listen to his opinion?Why should I?He's just like him!

Me: Which teammates of yours aren't just like Motormaster?

Drag Strip: … … I…Well, I…… No one.They're…They're all just like him.

Me: Then it's fine for you to be just like him, too, I guess.

Drag Strip: … W- W- WHAT?!I'm... just as bad as Motormaster?!...But I'm not a monster!...AM I?!I... AM I???

Me: Motormaster isn't a monster, either. He's just kind of mean.

Drag Strip: … … My god… … ... He's right.… I'm NOT a monster.I am just kind of... mean.…… ...Is that so bad?

Me: You should ask your teammates if they think that's so bad.

Drag Strip: … ...I will.… ... I'll ask them all what they think…...About me, what I've done…… ...And what I should do, now that I have this knowledge.… I… I just need to figure this out… … … … ...I need to learn to forgive myself…… ...I can do this.

Me: You haven't done anything wrong, either. You just have bad thoughts. Remember that.

Drag Strip: … ... ...You're right.It was just my thoughts… It was just a nightmare... one bad dream… I'm okay.That's right. I. Am. OKAY.… I can… ... I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF.

Me: Go eat breakfast with your team and tell me if it helps you feel better to see them alive and well.

Drag Strip: … ... Yes.Seeing my team alive… … ... It will help. It will help me see what really matters.I... I need to start living. … … I need to start living.

Me: Tell Wildrider that, and tell me what he says in response.

Drag Strip: … ... Yes.… ... ...Wildrider?… Wildrider says… It's good to see everyone alive and well. That I shouldn't worry about my dream. … He says to live my best life… … … I'm going to try.

Me: I'm proud of you.

Drag Strip: THANK YOU.… Your advice really helped me. … I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF.... Thank you. Thank you.

Me: Do you even remember what happened in the dream, anyway? It's a dream, they get hazy after a little whle.

Drag Strip: … … ... no. … I… I don't really remember. I… ... This whole thing was just a silly dream. None of it really mattered. None of it was real.

Me: Yeah. Go on and be happy now. And more confident in yourself and your team.

Drag Strip: ...I will. I will be happy. And I will be confident. … ... ...Thank you. You really helped me. Thank you, so much.

[impablohurtado]

Rest Easy C.C

I found out yesterday that a person I went to middle and high school with took his own life. It made me really sad to think about even though we hadn’t talked in some time. For a half-hour, I read posts of his friends and family sending their condolences. I read the same set of words multiple times, “You don’t have to suffer anymore.” He was only two months older than me, having turned 32 in May.

We hadn’t spoken in many years, but he was still a friend on social media. I’d see his posts and we’d interact the way people do, liking a post here and there, but never anything outside of brief comments. It’s easy to say, I wish I’d been there. It’s self-important to believe we can save people who hurt that way, I know this too well.

In middle school, there were three of us always talking about the thing we loved, three kids who were into film over anything else. I remember sitting with him in the sixth grade at lunch talking about the release slate for the year, about what we were excited for, debating our top 10’s, and talking about what film sites we liked. At the time, we were your typical film nerds, so sure of our tastes and how we knew what the good movies were.

Thinking about it I realized this would'e been 20 years ago, us having entered middle school in 2004 at 12 years old. We were so young.

That went on for three years, always talking about movies, all of us discovering new favorites and talking about them. Seeing films from Tarantino, Scorsese, Kurosawa, Hitchcock, and Kubrick for the first time and being blown away, expanding our tastes and debating over what was good and bad.

We both wanted to be filmmakers when we grew older. I always respected him because he did it. When high school came and we stopped talking, he would do small films with friends. He went the theatre route and did plays. He dedicated so much of his time to doing the thing he loved unabashedly. He didn’t care how he dressed or if it seemed silly. He was all in from the jump. At the time, he would put out microbudget movies. I’d watch them and appreciate the fact he went on to do what he wanted. Even after graduating he’d work with local film companies and make movies he’d release independently. The size never dissuaded him. He acted, directed, worked with a crew to put together a vision; he did it because he loved film. He even managed to get films on smaller festival circuits, and I always thought that was really cool. I used to think that maybe, had we remained friends, I would’ve worked with him. I was the only one of the three of us from middle school who didn’t go on to work in film on one level or another.

I knew he struggled with his mental health. We’d shared that in common over the years. He’d like the stories I’d write, and I’d try to comment words of encouragement when I saw his posts sharing how he was doing in life. I’d watch the movies he’d put out, I wish I had messaged him to talk about them with him.

I think about how I’ve struggled with the ideation for years and made it this far, to the point I was happy I made it to 30, a milestone I’d always written off. I have my moments where it circles in my head. It’s uncontrollable for me, but I like being here. Last year, I had one of my lower points where I called and spoke to my dad about it on a particularly rough night. He was there for me when I couldn’t think of anyone to speak to, even if at the time I was ashamed to speak to him in that condition. Now I wonder about my old friend and wonder if he didn’t have someone to speak to. I think about how he lost a battle I also feel I’m sometimes fighting. A part of me thinks it's unfair to put it that way, to say he lost for all the life he lived.

It scares me thinking about that, even though I don’t plan on going anywhere. There’s too many people I love, things to see, I want to see my nieces and nephews grow, and to share memories with people I like being around. I'm at a good place in my life, positive about the future, even in my low moments, there is good for me I look to... mostly. I wish he felt the same way. I wonder if he sometimes did.

After I read condolence posts, I scrolled through his feed to see what he was doing lately; I saw him living his life in a relationship, enjoying the days the way we all try to. He seemed happy.

I couldn’t do anything; I don’t delude myself in thinking I could. I wish someone could’ve though. I know better than most that it doesn’t work like that. Life is hard sometimes, it’s a fight we don’t all make it through.

Rest easy Cam. I hope you get to meet all those filmmakers who we loved growing up who are no longer here.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Omg megumi and Yuta are my favs after Inumaki LMAO (I’m Lowk salty that we did not get ANY lore exploration of Inumaki but maybe it’s better that way so he stays alive atp)

No the hating mainstream things to be “unique” is so eugh honestly like just because somethings mainstream doesn’t mean it’s basic…but exactly I’ve definitely lost the spark with jjk I think it just got too confusing? And I was losing the essence of the story and idk I know geges said before that that they’ve wanted to end jjk earlier but something about the editor saying no…? I feel like sometimes the lack of motivation kinda peeks through with how the story was done….which I get because writers block/art block and just burn out in general is so real I just wish circumstances were different lmao…

Also yeah the “jjk has the best female characters” ideation…hmm..it’s def better than the blatantly sexualized ones but at this point it kinda feels like a bare minimum/low standard thing that they ARENT sexualized like in most shounen content that makes people say this (i agree like wtf happened with yuki we barely saw her honestly?? Don’t get me started on tsumiki i was expecting them to take a route where maybe she’d actually wake up and play a more conscious role but what the hell was that)

NO LITERALLY im all for analysis and leaving some things open ended but idk in jjk it was just excessive that it turned into confusion like…the constant guessing and insane analysis that needed to be done to clarify things or try to parse things together is not my favorite…agreed that the story should not have to rely on deep level analysis to be understood!

Yeah I’ve definitely lost my emotional ties with jjk its just like well I got this far i might as well see how it ends

LMAO WIGGLY that made me think of a worm on a string but I see what you mean! One track soccer mind doesn’t give much room to explore lolll but it was executed very well hehe

LMAOO it’s the pipeline of shitting on side characters to loving them but I can’t with his hair cut…also don’t think he’s ugly like I guess he’s objectively relatively good looking? But yeah I never fully saw the appeal (it’s funny because I know a good amount of people who prefer him to Rin when I’m the opposite lol) and the Gojo aura LOL

THE ACCURACY IS INSANE the way I would have never known if you didn’t mention it (I don’t think I would’ve even noticed if I wrote it) the fact checking goes crazy LMAO but I love it honestly the research def gives the story more depth and feel to it rather than just a one shot/story that kinda just floats in the void of the universe or something…gives it ties to reality and an actual grounding in the world! (This was worded so badly lmao)

It’s always Karasu….I think it’s partially also because some manga scenes of him are a little goofy because they give him that smile that almost cuts across his entire face to give him that kinda evil looking smirk….and the anime style kinda striking that awkward balance of maintaining those features but not putting enough detail to go full asshole def makes it a little goofy LOL (but in art they put more effort into like the S2 trailer/teaser visual he looks great with all the shading)

And LMAOO IKR!!! I always think back to that I’m like KURONA WAS 4??? Bro wasn’t even on the field in the u20 match so I was Lowk a bit shocked haha, iirc Kiyora was also 5?? Like the discrepancy makes me laugh ik people probably developed during the second selection but the drastic change always gets me

Your tag with the arrow has me feeling idk why I found that so funny LOL

Also SHSHS drowsy allergy medicine is the worst…I hope you weren’t having a severe reaction or anything and also that you feel better soon!!!

-Karasu anon

there’s def a lot of areas where there could be more lore (rika’s character page is so odd??) just because of how many characters there are i think!! but i do feel like the story is wrapping up so some things might just be left as questions. or not, who knows!!

yeah there’s def a cycle of like thing gets popular -> everyone loves it -> it becomes so over saturated that people start hating on it to be different -> it becomes overhated -> in a few years everyone realizes it wasn’t that bad. the biggest problem w the “hating as a trend” is that it takes away from legitimate criticisms of the work, as fans will lump it into general hating for no reason.

besides just analyses being so important for even basic comprehension of the plot, i’ve noticed a lot of the storyline is dependent on random interviews gege has done. like nobara’s death only being confirmed because of an interview years after it was written is RIDICULOUS to me (even though i already thought she was dead tbh but there was enough speculation in the fandom that it obviously wasn’t clear enough in-story). things like interviews and character pages should give you fun additional information that can help you expand on a character (oh rin likes horror games!! karasu is scared of the water!! etc etc) but it shouldn’t be the MAIN source of KEY info on a character. idk i think a lot of people love what jjk could be at this point and not necessarily what it is.

YESS i honestly was not super pleased by the female characters in jjk!! they are cool, and they COULD be well written, but they aren’t. i think in terms of its contemporaries, demon slayer does female characters better than jjk (again, not saying they’re perfect because they aren’t, but, say, shinobu is a stronger character to me than even maki).

jjk is a sunk cost fallacy for me HAHA i’ve been into it for over 2.5 years now so i have to see how it ends but i don’t really care atp what happens 😭 i’m like an unbiased outsider…idk it’s sad i wish i could’ve stayed invested but i only even know leaks are dropping because my social media blows up whenever they do.

OMG i also think rin is better looking than sae but i find sae easier to write for some reason?? idk why 😫 like sae is canonically only interested in soccer at least rin likes horror stuff but honestly between the two of them it feels easier to separate sae from soccer than rin?? if only marginally so hahaha. sae occasionally expresses regret at only knowing abt soccer so i feel like he’d be more willing to open himself to new experiences if sufficiently prodded whereas rin is SO invested in soccer (because soccer = his relationship w his brother) that he doesn’t even seem like he could have a proper friendship w someone let alone an actual relationship 😔

it really is always karasu…i do think manga can get away w exaggerating certain features (ex karasu’s smirk) that anime can’t so they have to figure out a way to balance it — maybe it’s the static nature of manga vs the motion of anime?? although karasu hasn’t been smirking much in pxg vs bm 😕 give my boy his swag otoya back!! HAHA but i also think he was such a background character in that one scene of season one that they just didn’t gaf abt him. he’s looked really good in all of the s2 promotional material so i have faith he will be done well!!

KURONA AND KIYORA MY RANDOM AHH KINGS 🙏🏻 they came outta nowhere but they’re slaying atm…ig the hundred goal thing only tested a very specific aspect of playing soccer?? like shooting without anyone on you which doesn’t really translate to an actual game 🤔 like in bllk vs u20 they needed defenders and midfielders who wouldn’t necessarily score but were integral to the game 👆🏻 plus they didn’t all go in at the same time so better players like tabieitaken and shidou were ranked lower than randoms like tokimitsu probably just because they entered later 🤷🏻‍♀️

it wasn’t that bad!! i just got like overwhelmingly sleepy because i haven’t taken any in forever so i just crashed instead of staying up longer like i usually so haha. but i’m hoping to get the one shot out soon!! it’s pretty dumb but more karasu content is more karasu content 🤩

[3001spacedisco]

power & control, x0

hello. this is the first of a series of posts exploring patterns of power and control in domestic situations. this is an open discussion, so if you read this post, i want to hear your thoughts. i decided to discuss it at a lower level than in the workplace, or governments etc. because i think it's important to realise that though we can talk about the patriarchy as the big bad thing that's a parasite throughout society, men need to realise how much it affects everyday life, not just my paycheck or sentencing of crimes. prefacing this by saying these are my personal experiences, so may not be generalisable to everyone.

trigger warning, this series of posts will be discussing eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal ideation and SA as well as anecdotes. please be wary about this post and do not read if you are triggered by discussions of this subject. i wish you light and love through your journey of recovery and healing.

i want to start by talking about the control men have in domestic environments and how the effect of it has led to a cascade of events that have altered my life path. man number one, F, my biggest critic. my body was belittled and made fun of, and i would constantly be told to go on a diet. i felt miserable. i was conditioned into thinking my body had to be a certain way for people to respect me as if i it was my only redeemable trait. men perpetuate the notion that a woman's body is her only asset, even if she is family. F manipulated my child-self into believing i was not worthy of being perceived as an equal. 

at such a young age, why did i believe that my body had to look a certain way for people to listen to what i had to say? no praise for my smarts but constantly reminded that my body wasn't good enough had sparked so much internal hatred. i wouldn't eat for days. i spent months of my life delirious and lost. i have a massive gap in my memory, yet when i listen to certain songs i feel as though i can still smell my stomach acid on my index and middle finger. 

knowing i would always be smaller than a man, i realised that i was not in control. i would value the male opinion more than my own. i would search for male validation in all of my actions, believing that if i wasn't seen as desirable, what was the point of living? these negative spirits took over my teenage body. i would put myself in risky positions online, hoping to appeal to men twice my age just because i wanted to impress them. i wanted to know that i was someone's dream. i wanted to be something.

a man had control over the way i saw myself, a man i was never particularly close with, a man that i didn't have any emotional connections to. men dare to spill their opinions without worry of consequences. why did i sit quietly? why is it that after every critique i would go to my room to cry or cut myself or binge and purge but i wouldn't just tell him to fuck off? why was i okay with being quiet? why did i let him walk all over me? 

my life had been altered in such a way that still affects me negatively today. i never opened up about how he had wronged me, i just let it fizzle away over time. patience is a trait interweaved into women's minds. F still bothers me, acting as the head of the house demanding my full attention. i still submit to it. i am still patient with him. an impatient and outburstful man is a powerful one, that is everything that F is. he is larger than life, vital, the light of so many people's lives, yet still, he feels the need to size me down to a spec of dust. i remember in my childhood home, at an age no older than 6, saying aloud "i am the smallest person here, even smaller than a mouse". it is true, i am the youngest out of 3, however, i knew there was something different about me. for some reason, i was lesser than everyone around me. i was unimportant, i am the essence of nothingness. 

the funny thing is, i sit here writing badly about F, as if i have always felt this way. but i haven't. F was my idol, i would try to impress him (up until i really saw everything he is). it's as if i laid on the ground for him to stroll over and i would be excited that he made contact with me. i haven't got a way to solve this issue, though it is as simple as men needing to decrease themselves. no one owes them anything. they are raised entitled, believing the world must serve them and listen to them. i guess this is a way to connect the dots in my life, not necessarily me trying to devise a plan to uproot the patriarchy.