#this in hindsight was risky for me to do because like

[tu-es-gegg]

I remember one time I wrote a trans coming out story for my english assignment before I even knew I was trans and I think abt it a lot

[merakiui]

for the fwb asks, "you're enjoying this way too much." with trey please? I am. frothing at the mouth <33

<3 forgive me for being indulgent with this. I wanted to include food play as well,,, orz please enjoy the tasty treat that is Trey's dick. >:D

(fwb dialogues)

In hindsight it was dangerous to do this in the Heartslabyul kitchen where anyone could walk in at any moment. But it's late into the night, and Trey had been kind enough to sneak you in on account of owing you a favor. That's all your relationship really is, truly. Just transactions. Mutual give and take. You help him relieve some stress (because Queen knows managing Riddle is an undertaking in itself) and in return he offers to pay you in sweets (and bodily pleasures, but the former is far more tempting).

You'd been expecting one of his renowned strawberry tarts or a slice of cake, so you're stunned when his lips lift into that trademark scheming smirk. He holds up a can of whipped cream next. Having known Trey long enough to decipher his tastes, it doesn't take a genius to figure this one out.

"You're crazy," you breathe, eyes wide.

"Just risky," he corrects, pushing his glasses up, because everyone's mad here. Moonlight catches on the lenses, shimmering back at you in a foreboding glint.

"We can't do that in here. What if someone walks in?"

Trey procures his magic pen from his pocket, pressing it to his lips. "I won't tell if you won't."

Right. Doodle Suit. Convenient.

"All right then. Get on with it," you concede after a short internal debate. The rewards outweigh the risk in this case. Something tells you Trey would bail you out even if you get caught. Partially because he'd be just at fault.

Trey grins. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"Absolutely. Did you even have to ask?"

Snatching the can from his hands, you squirt some on your finger for a taste while he works to fish himself from his pants. He works himself slowly in one hand, peering down at you after you've lowered to your knees. This isn't the first time you and Trey have fooled around with food and it certainly won't be the last.

You make quick work decorating his erection, unable to tamp down the delighted giggle when it twitches in response to the cool cream.

"Eager," you comment, finishing off with a dollop to his tip. You set the can on the tiled floor and admire your handiwork with an approving nod. "Do we have any cherries? Ooh, what about sprinkles?"

Amusement flickers on his face. "I've been meaning to pick some up. We used the rest of them last time."

"Aw. This'll have to do for now then." You press your lips to the head of his cock, swirl your tongue over it, and draw away with a mouthful of whipped cream. "It's still just as good."

Trey inhales sharply, grabbing at the counter behind him to brace himself. "Mm, yeah," he mumbles, clearing his throat. "T-That'll do..."

Scooting closer on the ground, you place your hands on his thighs and lean in again to lick a languid stripe up the underside of his shaft, gathering cream as you go. The motions come easily; you've had his cock in your mouth more times than you've truly studied for any of Professor Crewel's alchemy exams, a bad habit Trey's working to correct. To think you could retain information better when he's blowing your back out... Isn't that something?

Breathing through his nose, he tamps down the slew of sinful groans and instead grips the counter with more force. He's purposely holding back, whether for the sake of keeping quiet or because it's the build-up that entices him. You're not sure which it is, but you're determined to break him tonight.

Licking your lips clean, you look up at him through your lashes to assess the lustful haze glazing his eyes. Whipped cream spots your cheek; you pay it no mind and lean in and wrap your lips around him once more. It's sweet. There's definitely an innuendo to be found there, and Trey seems to notice it right away. He throbs in your mouth, painfully hard.

"You're enjoying this way too much," you say around the mouthful.

Trey chuckles, feigning sheepishness. "It's that obvious, huh?"

You pull away to speak more clearly. "It's cute."

"Not the adjective I'd use, but if it fits..." He laughs, shaking his head. Your word choices always enthrall him. Once you called him a midnight snack, a callback to previous times spent wrapped around one another. He doesn't mind it. Not particularly.

His fingers card through your hair to hold you firmly in place. "Sorry in advance."

"You don't mean that," you tease, and both of you know it's true. He likes seeing you choke on his cock. It's exhilarating.

You don't mind it. Not particularly.

[basedkikuenjoyer]

And We're Live!

Bruh a Miss Kaya update? Sweet! As we've said with Academy, this blog fully stans certified good girl Miss Kaya. I love her outfit here, she was really one of this series's first more classy, modest girlies and say what you will about how Oda draws women but I'm noticing she's not one of the ones who got a Timeskip breast augmentation. Usopp's former crew look like they're growing up fast too. This is a good group, still hope we get more Kaya in Academy because I really like her as the sickly girl who doesn't make it to school all the time. Clever use of a character on Sohei Koji's part.

We can talk about Academy over Golden Week though, because Vegapunk's message is going live! Which means sadly we're done with the fun of dicking around for ten minutes. The Vega Coffee bit was so, so good though. We'll get to the ramifications as we go but first there is a reason for Miss Kaya. Take note of all these people we see, how places like Torino highlight that darker side. VP will even own up to some of his own "sins" in his message. It's a very diffuse reaction to the man. Someone who inspires a lot of different reactions. It's important to pay attention when a story does that, but let's move on:

Hahaha lol eat a dick Mars. Classic decoy maneuver. We did get the brain in a jar! In a chapter where Vegapunk "confirms" his own death and an arc where we've played this game with Kuma. Remember Mars doesn't actually know the deal, he himself is pondering a little over what counts as the real Vegapunk. So I'm inclined to ponder if it is just what we see; part of his brain serving as more or less a hard drive. As much the real him as that paw bubble of memories was the real Kuma. Shout-out to Bonney and her Giant-ish future by the way. It was cool, but pretty much reinforces the same themes. You're acting like Luffy and the crew has fully shifted to treating you (appropriately) as a little kid to watch out for.

The decoy snail though...I like it. Could it have been a long game by Vegapunk? Of course, and keeping York out of the loop is believable. But being on the floor randomly is still weird and putting it right in front of the big brain tank seems rather risky for Vegapunk. Why would he want to nudge at that connection. Get what I'm saying? This is a weirder beat than it seems, but it would make perfect sense through the lens of someone else reacting. Great way to cover one's tracks by just letting the natural assumption take course. There's one part of Vegapunk's speech that bolsters this to me:

Please do not assume that the ones who strike me down are evil. That plus what he says here? Do...not track with thinking the Gorosei would be the ones who came after him. Sounds a little more like he expected Luffy, Bonney, someone like that to take him out. Or even Lucci. It's subtle, but actually a great remind that this all has nothing to do with the Straw Hats. Remember that old theme? The extra effort from the World Government is because of an emperor drifting into the situation. You can't act so casually when the world rocks in your wake. That still seems to be the core lesson for Luffy.

Speaking of, we get another nudge at one of last night's big mysteries. How did Robin get in such rough shape? The scenes before we skip the night set it up okay, she was headed right into a confrontation with York. But it's still a lingering question. And speaking of "lingering," you have the Gorosei hammering that Bakura Town/Ryokugyu theme hard. Reminds me of someone who knows no one called Vermin. The message though, it's what we're all here for. Well, I'm here for Nami Protect Mode.

I have some thoughts about this. Not the reveal itself. Sorta what we saw with Lulusia at the start, the fallout I mean. Excellent through line with Wano and it's own history. Makes Iceberg look so cool in hindsight because he at least was a good enough leader to see it happening locally. Type of thing a shipwright-turned-politician would notice your typical noble wouldn't. Very classic looming threat, makes me think of Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou which was our world after massive sea level rise.

Let me just say one thing. This is fucking hilarious from a certain perspective. Imagine you're chilling. Doing your thing. Every PC and Windows product in the world fires up. Bill Gates is streaming live. He takes ten minutes to dick around with coffee then promptly announces his death before telling everyone their own death is imminent because [government conspiracy]. The reaction is going to be wild. Makes me think of David Bowie's "Five Years." If you're a fan, see if you can find the live version from the Dinah Shore show. You won't regret it. That Man Who Fell to Earth look was iconic and you gotta love managing a 4th wall break in a rock opera.

We've talked about this with Robonosuke, who's hanging around in the background still. This is an even better detail someone who learned a lot from Toki would know. Even if it's indirect relevance, it's the exact type of knowledge a modern scholar would find as a big surprise but a friend of the lady from the Void Century could just casually know. Maybe not a fancy sea chart, but say to the degree of a rough map?

Just saying, type of thing there's scenes to support it. The map is right there with some of the first ones that really show Kiku acting like a nanny with Momonosuke. The Act plot with Olin had a lot of subtle bait the girl's a little distinct from the group we'd build on in Act 3. Aside from all that though, just this basic setup of the chapter? We start on a few vignettes around the world showing different reactions to Vegapunk. Then we set up everyone in dire straits as Luffy's run out of gas. Injected a little new mystery through Stussy/York. Now we end on a big reveal that doesn't affect the matter at hand as we pull away from the island?

It's easy to say at a lot of points but if there's a third cutaway...we may be going into it after Golden Week.

[dulcesiabits]

ur currently my favorite lyney writer so I just wanted to share this with u

https://youtu.be/-drhq4WVKEM?si=z0end8vrsnMVk4JO

I watched this theory and it made me realize we know so little abt lyney and puts into perspective how sly he could be, like way more than we give him credit for. PLEASE WATCH IT I wanna see if this will influence ur characterization of him (in anyway) for future fics

I’m your favorite Lyney writer?? That’s an honor!! <3 I hope you like what I write for him in the future, haha!

So, I watched the video, and I found it pretty interesting; considering Fontaine’s focus on facades, performances and lies, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lyney was still hiding something from us. I think it’s true that he’s both fond of traveler AND he could be avoiding telling us the full truth. To what extent would he and Lynette go to prevent the prophecy of Fontaine…? It’s hard to say.

What I found particularly compelling were the bits with Liliane and the Oratrice; we can only go off of his word about what happened then, and it’s possible he and Lynette manipulated/coerced Liliane to go along with their plans, whatever they might be. He and Lynette couldn’t catch a common thief despite being Fatui operatives and he twisted his ankle while attempting to do so…? That part does feel a bit suspicious in hindsight. He purposefully asked traveler to wait far away from them while he and Lynette handled Liliane, too! It’s also possible he tampered with the Oratrice! Because in the immediate trial following Lyney’s, Childe is pronounced guilty, and this is the first time ever that Neuvillette and the Oratrice have had different verdicts. It really does feel like Lyney could have done something to the Oratrice, and it’s also not the first time the other Harbingers (assuming Arlecchino was the one who gave Lyney his orders) have set Childe up to fail.

Where DID the real Halsey go? Was this a plot hole/oversight on the part of the writers, or is it future foreshadowing? Hard to say at this point.

The only part of the theory I’m iffy on is that Lyney set Crowel to die on purpose. If he wanted to get rid of him, there could have been a lot more efficient ways to do so, that didn’t rely on luck and happenstance (gaining traveler’s trust + having them defend him in court, for example. It seems a bit risky to stake a crucial part of the plan on an unknown outlander). Additionally, Lyney and Lynette aren’t as… callous as the other Fatui are portrayed? They’re shown in a sympathetic light, and joined the Hearth out of desperation. They don’t seem to take joy in needless violence or brutality, and we also don’t know the full extent of what they do for the Fatui. The most we do know is that they participate in spy work/information gathering. Like, I think if they committed murder, it would be a last resort rather than a premeditated attack. I feel like they would be reluctant to go so far, and it would be risky for people so prominent in the public eye to murder someone (especially in front of others). Lyney’s story quest even draws parallels between him and Caesar’s grieving fiancée (forgot her name). He says he could have ended up like her (bitter, cruel) if not for the fact he had Lynette. He’s still a kind person, even if he manipulates and lies. Lyney and Lynette strike me more as self-preserving and desperate to protect each other more than intentional malice.

TDLR: Lyney is suspicious, but he’s also a kind person. I think it’s possible he’s hiding what really happened with Liliane + the Oratrice, but I doubt everything in his trial was planned, especially him and Lynette murdering Crowel on purpose. Yes, he’s sly and possibly more clever than we realize. He lies and manipulates, but it’s done more so to protect himself + Lynette than out of genuine malice.

[otakween]

Digimon World: Digital Card Battle (1999) - End game thoughts (20 hrs in)

Yay, this was really fun and easy to beat! Honestly, that's how I like my video games, I just want to chill at the end of the day, not stress out. There were one or two battles that presented a slight challenge and that's good enough for me.

This game had so much charm and was a fabulous companion to Digimon World 1. It's kind of like its quirky and more casual cousin. Kind of baffled that there isn't a fan translation (that I could find) because it's honestly a pretty short game with not a lot of dialogue.

I'm going to do a little bit of post-game poking around, but here are my immediate thoughts after beating it.

Notes:

-I wonder if the lack of localization is 100% due to the Hitler stuff (which...fair) or if there's more to it than that. I get that it would have been difficult to cut that part out entirely, but maybe they could re-skin things to look less sus? I dunno...too late now.

-I was so happy with all the stats they give you during the end credits, that was such a nice touch! They gave me my playtime, how many times I saved, what decks I used and how I used them. Interesting stuff. I feel like TCG are for stats nerds lol (the only math class I enjoyed in high school)

-It was really cute how they recreated all of the scenes from the game with CGs. Of course, it would have been nice if those were just in the game proper, but oh well :/ it was fun looking back on all the battles and quirky events

-So...the Japanese was a bit tricky for me to follow, but it seems like this whole game had a gag plot? Like you spend the whole game trying to get to Mt. Infinity to retrieve a "bug card", but then you get to the final boss and he's like, "Huh? Who are you? What's going on? I've never heard of a bug card in my life." And then Betamon (who came with you for moral support) is like "oh yeah, I dropped that card and it was blown away by the wind to the top of this mountain teehee." Lol. So really, there was no villain...I guess. Really the MC and Babamon are the assholes for destroying Machinedramon's home for no reason.

-Speaking of gag plot, most of the plot of this game is on the very silly, toilet humor side. A majority of it is tracking down toilet paper and finding the culprit of who is breaking all of the toilets. In hindsight, this might be another reason this didn't get localized...

-So Babamon was Rosemon all along...okaaay. I didn't really get this twist because Rosemon switched back and forth between her two forms throughout the game before the bug card (which supposedly cause the transformation) was destroyed. Maybe it was a Fiona from Shrek situation.

-I was a little sad that I got all of these great "Sevens Cards," but then didn't want to use most of them. The only one I really ended up using was the holy one because it gave my digimon +1000 HP. Everything else seemed too risky to use. Honestly I used the same deck without many changes for 90% of the game. Kind of lame, but editing decks was sorta painful in how time consuming and clunky it was. It seems like arranging a deck would be a lot more fun IRL though, I kinda wish I had some actual cards to fool around with.

-I was surprised to see that there's no Analogman in this game. I guess that just goes along with this being a much chiller, parallel universe.

-I physically can't 100% this game (because of missable battles), so I'm just going to take it easy for post-game stuff. See how many more cards I can get and do a couple more battles. Excited for this game's sequel!

Despite the weirdo storyline and questionable content, this was one of the better Digimon games so far. Due to my high levels of enjoyment, I'm giving it a solid 7 out of 10.

[lolexjpg]

dts s1e3! AND e4

-while they first showed the baku maxiel crash in ep2, i'll talk abt it here bc its more focused on in this episode: -now that i've seen the 2010 turkish grand prix, this to me is so so reminiscent to mark & seb's crash. long term driver vs fresh faced golden boy, red bull ~trying~ to be neutral but clearly favoring the younger one, while in MY opinion in both cases it was max/seb more at fault -so daniel's choices make so much sense through this lense, seeing how history was repeating itself -i must say, 🙌 RESPECTFULLY 🙌 claire williams is a milf. hope she's doing wonderfully nowadays -the way sergey sirotkin is literally invisible i was even like who tf is that. sorry u got chewed up and spit out by the f1 machine buddy -in monaco qualifying its an interesting rewatch bc i actually know how things work, so the lil radio snippets actually make sense to me. interestin -this is the first episode where they have a truly well set up victory narrative. real life doesn't usually fit into this good cookie cutter narrative, but daniel's story in this episode really does that and it rly sets the bar for good dts episodes IN MY OPINION -i know that max in this episode gets pointed to a lot as see???? dts edits max to make him look meaner than he is!! and i just dont think thats the full picture. sure, they only show him being grumpy and rash and immature and they dont show any of his goofier side, but 2018 max WAS a big hothead. i honestly think it makes it narratively better to see how immature and short fused he was in season 1 to compare to how he is now!

episode 4!!

-CYRIL COME HOME THE KIDS MISS YOU -oh my god love being reminded of the iconic daniel conversation with his MOM "have a good race love you" "yeah alright. gangster ✌️" -now knowing hondas history gives so much more insight into the nuance of the red bull-honda deal. with them struggling a team and then selling to brawn, to the mclaren honda deals that went horribly, i see it as so much more of a risk than i ever did first watch -which leads me to DANIEL'S CHOICE MAKING SENSE. sure, in hindsight we can see how it failed horribly but it made sense! from the bottom of my heart i dont believe that red bull wasnt gonna prioritize max, and i'd wanna get out of that too! sure it was risky, but if daniel didnt make the jump, would we be lamenting that he didnt instead? i think either choice would've likely gone downhill anyway :( -the exes trying to be amicable bc they still work together vibes are Hilarious -christian's whole 'cyril is an emotional guy' is fascinating because christian is SO emotional!!! the difference is his main emotion is anger, which men tend to convince themselves ~doesnt count~ -'he needs a driver AND an engine 😂😂😂' ate left no crumbs king behavior

[dear-alex-chill]

My favorite situational trope is by far the "Are we ready? We have to be" trope.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO UNPACK WITH IT

A. It is always a tragedy or battle or something heated that pushed them to this moment.

B. You can have platonic moment, romantic moment, community moment, exes forced to work together moment, parent-kid moment, ect. There's infinite possibilities for who is talking and their relationships.

C. It's never "if we aren't/don't" in this trope failure is never an option. There's no dichotomy. It's simply "well we have to be" not "i don't know" or "probably not" or "if not we're screwed". Failure is never acknowledged, which just makes it more powerful.

C1. Failure is not an option is way overpowered. There's so much in that phrase and it is so versatile.

D. This trope can be at ANY part of the story. It can be the opening line, it can be in the rising action or the falling action, it can be your resolution. Hell, it can be the climax. There is so much power held in a situation like this that is can be placed anywhere in a plot and it will work.

F. It's an end of story moment. This sounds like it contradicts the previous point but hear me out. This helps move the plot along. You can't just slip this trope into something. It has magnitude. It is important. Whatever happens after is in response to this quote. Often it is very easy to time skip or introduce another subject after this point because there's nothing to be said after it.

G. Artificial tension is so easy here! Creating tension is a struggle in certain stories and circumstances, but here it's practically a given. Someone is looking up to someone else that happens to be more of a leader. There's a pause. The readers/audience and the characters are waiting for a response. There is so much tension alone, without extra information/exposition.

H. THE RAW EMOTION. Similar to the last point, but more about the person asking the question. They are expressing one of their deepest fears. It's expressed they are uncertain despite the preparation. Yet the other person assures them (in a way). The act of asking someone if, as a group, you are prepared beyond just doubting a plan is so emotionally open. In this trope the plan is already in action, it's not hypothetical anymore. And that's why it is so heavy. The looking back doubt, the hindsight, regret, uncertainty. It's all reflected in that question and it's build up.

I. It's risky but those who take the risk can succeed. Yes, sometimes not everyone can pull of a trope. But there's a certain ratio of risk to reward. And in this case, the risk factor is enough to deter those who can't pull it off, resulting in those who can do it having a much more rewarding story. If a trope doesn't work, you don't keep it. So it really only gets used when it should (even though it works in many forms).

In short, we need this trope more in media. It's too perfect to be ignored in favor of 'enemies to lovers' or 'best friends to never talk now'.

[weirdhasanxiety]

So. Hey, I’m back, just not with a drawing as per usual, apologies.

A warning to artists doing comms:

TL;DR: When doing comms, check email addresses, don’t forward any money before you’ve received any(or just don’t forward any at all), and ask for details of your commission to the commissioner.

I got scammed out of 200 USD on Instagram the other day.

I usually don’t do comms(because online money exchange is risky and I’m just not familiar with it), but a guy called Fred James(likely a randomly generated name) messaged me asking if I would be willing to do a drawing of his kid’s dog for 300USD.

I had some time, the guy’s dog was cute, and even after me saying ‘no, you don’t need to pay, I’ll just doodle something up for you’ multiple times he insisted, and me being the pushover I am I said ‘okay, I’ll open a PayPal’.

I did that, and he said he’d sent the 300 over. Then an email popped up, saying that for ‘verification’ the guy needed to send an additional 200 over and I needed to refund it to get my 300, and I actually did it.

I was panicking about this over on discord, and another artist who did comms pointed out that this might be a scam, and I double checked the email addresses. One from PayPal saying that I’d added a card to my PayPal, and the other saying that I needed to give the guy 200.

They were different(though very similar). It was a fucking scam.

I was angry, and I felt guilty over it for days.

Another email from the same fake address came the day after asking me to send an additional 300 over. I forwarded it to PayPal’s phishing address, deleted it and the other two fake emails, and just went to crochet to try and feel better about this whole shitshow.

I really hate how this guy took advantage of my unfamiliarity with commissions and PayPal, and because of this I doubt I’ll be doing any comms in the future, and my relatives(and my parents) have told me to take all my art off the internet, stop using social media and just… stop. With online art.

As seen with this post, I’m not going to do that, because I like sharing my art with people, and I’m not doing it for profit, anyways. I got greedy this time. I’ll not make that mistake again.

In hindsight, all the hints were there. When I asked the guy about what style he wanted, he didn’t answer. When I asked what his son’s name was, he didn’t answer. When I refused payment, he insisted, and he told me to give my name despite it being not necessary for PayPal transactions.

The fake emails he sent me had my name, and I know I’d given him my email as well, which is why the emails had my name and looked so official.

The emails’s images were all missing, too, and the copyright thing at the bottom said 20xx-2022. That’s another thing I missed.

I’m putting this out there, because I’ve checked my message requests on Insta, and there were two more people there asking ‘Do you do commissions?’, the exact same thing the scam guy asked me.

There’s nothing wrong with doing commissions. You do art for someone, you get paid, and that’s great!

But please, be careful. Check the addresses of your emails. Ask for commission details. Don’t send money to anyone before checking if it is legit.

(Unrelated to my particular case, but according to some friends, a lot of comm artists receive a percentage after doing the sketch, and the rest after they finish the final piece, to avoid getting scammed)

That’s all, I guess. And I did an initial doodle of the dog, too.

And to think I was so excited. I’m going to be terrified of doing comms, now, fuck.

Fuck you, scammers. Fuck you for taking advantage of us.

And fuck myself for not being careful enough.

[system-of-a-feather]

*slams hand*

POGGERS

(dont ask me why I say that I don't even go on twitch but my fiance contaminated me)

My old old old therapist (from highschool that was originally unqualified to handle a highly dissociative patient and later got training in it after I left and he got another client) said hed be more than willing to see me again

I don't know if I'd intend to stick with him as a long term main therapist, but at the very least I think it would be AMAZING to see him once or twice at the very least because it would be such a nice bookending / bow tie to this era of my life

Cause honest to god he opened the first page of this era and it'd be so fucking poetic XD Cause honest to god, he literally carried us SO hard while we were living in our abusive environment and with the shittiest medical insurance. Like technically in hindsight, some of the things he did would be textbook inappropriate behavior from a professional considering the professional thing would have been to reject me once the dissociation shit became too apparent of a road block - but like he made a very risky very good very human decision in not cause very much literally if he had we probably would have been lost to therapy. Plus he REALLY tried his best to get my parents to have a tiny bit of awareness on how bad they were treating me which ended up in a really sad but really funny 30 minute approach that ended in no progress XD

Dude was a good therapist that was the catalyst to A LOT of the good things that make up our life now and honestly had he not been a great therapist then, we honestly would be no where near where we are

Plus like... itd be kinda funny that after like... 8+ years of therapy and beign diagnosed with OCD for 8+ years I walk in, sit down on the couch and go "..... yeah so I still don't understand how I have OCD". Yes I understand that I have DID and how that works but OCD I do not. Confusion /hj /lh

Dude was an AMAZING OCD therapist and while I still struggle to solidly understand the breath of that disorder in regards to my life most of the time, his work really did greatly minimize it to it looking more like a quirk than an extensively distressing thing.

[spirituallyyellow]

17/5/24 pt2

I wonder how long I'll keep writing this much.

In high school, I wrote in my livejournal just about every single day - sometimes multiple times a day, and usually really long entries, too. I kinda believe that writing in my LJ was a major factor in surviving my teens and very early twenties. I wrote deeply personal stuff on livejournal, and I had a physical journal that I wrote in often, too, and then on top of that, I had an online friend who was quite a bit older and pretty much filled the role of my Internet Aunt who I could email for advice about boys, friends, school, body stuff, all that. It's such a risky thing in hindsight, but she was lovely and helpful - a really deep source of support.

I stopped updating my LJ every day when I went to the commune at 19 - this was before internet was easy to access and we had to schedule in half hour slots twice a week, and I was nervous about other people there finding it in search history or something. I'd update occasionally and wipe the history, but mostly I just wrote in my physical journal.

Then a weird shift happened where N and I went from being LJ friends to being RL friends, to dating, to being engaged and then married, and it felt strange to write about my thoughts and feelings when I wasn't always telling him about them.

I worked very hard to try to keep my family from ever being able to see my LJ, and I think when N made the shift to family, my brain kinda went, "my private thoughts are off-limits now".

I don't like it when people I see in real life know about my thoughts.

Anyway, eventually Russia bought and killed LJ, and that outlet disappeared completely. And I had kids, so I had less time and energy to write, and then it kind of became a bad association because every time I did write, it was because everything felt so awful I had to get it out, but then it meant that there would be huge gaps of multiple months or years and then a short entry that basically said, "Everything sucks, I don't know how to cope" and that was it. Just unscrewing the cap juuuuust enough to let out the carbonation, not enough to actually relax.

I think what makes this different is that I finally came to the end of what I could bear. And I do like typing and sending my thoughts out into the internet void - that's a strong hardwired positive thing in my brain, just because I had been doing online journalling for pretty much the entirety of my adolescence, to mostly positive results. I'm still in contact with some of my LJ friends, and obviously I'm still married to N.

The only thing I don't like about this is the lack of comment thread function, to be honest. LJ really nailed that.

Anyway, I've given a couple of people this address - I don't know what will come of it. I did it mainly because I didn't want to actually tell them the whole story - I preferred to link them to what I'd written. It's very exhausting to tell people you wanted to kill yourself because then they have feelings and I feel like I need to attend to them and I can't because my feelings are so horrible.

Also, how do you even comfort someone in that situation?

"No, don't be upset, I'm not really that great tbh"

"It's OK, you would have been a little sad for a short time and then you would have gotten on with the rest of your life"

"It's all right, it's just me, I'm not worth all this"

I don't think that would go over very well, even if it does feel true.

I remember a long time ago, the last time I felt suicidal. It wasn't even that bad, more of a hopeless feeling than anything, an "I'd be better off dead" but not really planning anything kind of deal. I went for coffee with someone I was friends with but not like super deep friends with, and she asked me how I was doing as I seemed a little down. I told her, very calmly, and she started crying, and I was one hundred percent bewildered. Like, girl you do not care about me this much, come on. Couldn't fathom it.

I still sort of feel that way, even with the friends I'm very close to. Like when Pam started crying on that phone call, I felt horrible and ashamed of myself, but there was a little feeling of, "but why though?"

And it's also extremely awkward and weird to try to move on from the conversation, I'm finding. Like how do you go from, Hey buddy, just wanted to let you know I almost tried to kill myself recently, no worries to here's this stupid gif I found? You don't.

I hate it when people say reach out or call me anytime. I have no idea how much they mean that. I don't know what their schedules are like. I don't want to be that person who calls when somebody is already having a shitty day and then all of a sudden they have to be on high alert for their suicidal friend. I don't even know what I want to say, 90% of the time.

It does feel like such a huge thing for people to not know about. It makes it hard to connect to people, especially in real life. I don't want to tell a lot of people, I don't want to deal with the reactions, and I don't want to deal with my inner anxiety gremlin constantly clawing at the walls of my brain, desperate to know what they're thinking.

In early 2020, before covid, I told my best friend from uni about my cousin. And because he was also training as a therapist, we were both really comfortable just straight up asking each other, "How do you feel after hearing this? What are you thinking? What's going on for you right now?" and both of us had the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to be able to name those feelings and sit with the complexity without trying to fix it.

Although, when I told him about my cousin, I asked, "What are you thinking right now?" and the answer was extremely simple.

"I'm thinking about how fucking proud of you I am, and how much I want to fucking kill this guy." He smiled at me, but not in a pitying way. In a caring way. Maybe a little sad. I felt too nervous to spend a lot of time looking at him.

"Do you see me differently now?"

"Of course not. Are you okay?" That of course not did so much heavy lifting. Like it was just a complete given that I was still the same person.

I smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm just - really shaky and sweaty," and he passed me his glass full of ice so I could cool my hands down.

R is really good at just moving on from difficult topics. Probably of all the people I could tell, he would handle it the best, but it's really overwhelming to think about letting somebody else in to all of this mess right now.

I need to do something this weekend. I'm kind of sick - one of these super lethargic, coughing, struggling to breathe sometimes kind of bugs. But I think I need to push through this weekend and do something else because I just can sense how easy it would be for me to spiral.

I've spent all day in bed today. To be fair, I really have been sick and I've slept a big chunk of the day, but it did feel appropriate. This has been such a hell of a week that I had no choice but to take to my bed, like in a Tennessee Williams play.

N and I had a really difficult conversation last night and eventually I said, "I just feel like if this was a Jane Austen novel, I could go live in a mansion in the countryside for a month with a kindly aunt and uncle while I recover from my melancholia."

"So we just need to find a rich aunt and uncle in the countryside," he said with a gentle smile.

I laughed, a little bitterly. "I feel like the closest thing I could have to that is going back to [the commune] but like..." and here I did start crying a lot, "I just don't have the energy for that right now."

He rubbed my foot and said, "Just because it's the right answer sometimes doesn't mean it's the right answer all the time. It does take a lot of energy to be there."

And when I think of going back now, honestly, I'm mostly remembering the amount of shame that got dumped on me, that feeling of, I can never do anything right for these people, I always misread everything, I make it too deep, I'm doing it wrong. I'm doing that place wrong, every fucking time. At this point, to be completely honest, I don't know if I'll ever go back. I'm tired of always being told the same old shit: I'm needy, I'm too intense a person, I always go too deep, I always look like I'm desperate for people to love me. And Andrew, years ago, telling me that I am dangerous when wounded, like I was a fucking dog.

I don't know what I did. That's what really upsets me: people tell me all of this every time I go there, but they never tell me what to do differently. I just have to magically figure it out.

And at home, in my normal life, I have literally everyone around me telling me the opposite - that I'm not needy at all, that I'm extremely competent, that I could do with being more needy, that I'm not too intense for people, that I'm kind and funny and make people feel cared for. It's such a wildly different perception of me that I just have no idea where to even start.

It all feels like a trick. Reach out to people, but not like that. Ask for help, but you have to figure things out for yourself.

You know, like, how am I supposed to deal with this anxious-insecure attachment when literally all the feedback I get about my behaviour is so wildly contradictory? I feel fucking paralysed.

I talked about this with J, my friend and office-share person, and my therapist, neither of whom are Christians, and they were both like, "It's crazy that anybody would see you as needy, I don't see that at all."

And then I have M from the commune being like, "I've known you for a long time, Lauren, and you are..." blah blah blah all those negative things.

And you know what actually, how fucking ridiculous is that. She hasn't known me for a long time - she sees a two week glimpse of me, every few years, during what is usually a really turbulent time in my life, and she's hardly ever even been in the house when I've been there. Even when I was there for the full term, seventeen years ago, I don't remember any significant conversations with her. I had a different tutor, who also gave me shit. It honestly makes me feel like I have Punching Bag written across my face.

I don't know if I'll ever go back - I honestly think at this point that I might not, I might just be done with it, but if I do, I can't see how on earth I could ever sit down across from her and get anything productive done.

I wish I'd had the wherewithal to stand up for myself and tell her to shove her tutorials up her ass. And Andrew, too. And I'm using his real first name because I'm done protecting the identity and role of some asshole who told me that being molested by my cousin wasn't significant enough for him and his stupid tutorials.

The only thing I miss about that place right now is sitting in the small study with a fireplace and a board game. But I miss that a lot, even though it's so small and stupid. It was just the only time in such a long time that I can think of feeling okay in. I almost wish I'd never had it because now I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I believe that God put me there, in that place, at that time, for a reason - so many things lined up to just fit perfectly - but damn, sometimes even gifts feel painful.

[jankslide]

My First Date?

Okay so I was talking with Matt, my roommate for those of you who forgot, about when his anniversary was with his girlfriend. And he was saying it was like four days after valentine's day. And I was joking cuz we went to a basketball game together on Valentine's day, so obviously he couldn't do anything with her cuz he committed to hang out with me. I would understand if he was tryna do something else, but it wouldn't been really lame if he bailed. so yeah. I like to think that since they started seeing each other at the end of January this helped to prevent what could have been a precarious valentine's day (too early?) situation. But they're both pretty chill so I doubt that this plan had any effect or bearing on their relationship. Anyways, I'm getting a little side tracked here. So he was telling me about how their anniversary was a little after valentine's day, and I was referring to it as like the first date after valentine's day is when it was. And I guess we got caught up on the miscommunication about the date.

But the point I was trying to get at was like what event like triggered the anniversary to be on a specific day. It's not like a birth where it just happens at a time. There's probably points of fluctuation so it's should be grounded in like an event or whatever. I've never been in a relationship so I have no idea how this would be determined. In my own head, I always imagine it being like the first date you went on probably. Like you retroactively decide the date rather than it being in an event in the present. So you would consider you first date the anniversary, but you don't decide this until like 2-3 months when you feel established as in a relationship or something, again I didn't know. Matt said that was the day he asked Veronica to be his girlfriend. So like that anniversary is grounded in that specific day of asking to be like official I guess. Exclusive one could say. Then that started to make me think about my cousin Jalen. Because I remember when he was telling us a story about when he asked his girlfriend to be his girlfriend. Like that was a thing, an event. So that could probably be when their anniversary is, but I don't know. never have asked.

Here's a quick tangent I need to go on before continuing. In terms of gift giving, unless the person is incredibly materialistic, it really is the thought that counts. Like a gift where they've really put some thought into the gift and come to something that you can really appreciate (whether in actuality or just for the sentiment), that's just really nice to receive. To some degree it's about the gift, but for most people, the sentiment is what matters.

So when I was in eighth grade I had this friend, Maya. We were like in a little friend group, our parents at the least were in somewhat in a friend group. I don't really feel the need to get into relationship dynamics between me, families, and my K-8 in general; this is all to say the point is this. We were like good friends. And I guess Maya liked me because one time she sent me this risky ass text, which in hindsight was basically like a confession of having a crush on me or whatever. I definitely didn't understand what exactly this long text meant at the time or I could have had some sort of willful ignorance to it. Anyways, I was into a different girl at the time and would remain hung up on her and do nothing about it until I graduated. I also never responded to the text, which must have been a fucking awful ass move on my part. I am not going to get self-loathing reminiscing about this whole situation but yeah it was bad. We had a school dance, in which the last song I was dancing with Maya, and I was like shit this the last dance I gotta bounce and try and dance with the girl I was into at the time. That was definitely a dick move to her; I think I was still being oblivious to it, but that was probably a hit to her self-esteem. I also didn't dance with who I had a crush on so doubly stupid.

Okay so at this point I am in high school. I take the train home on my way back from high school. I pass by Maya high school to get there. In hindsight there was a better location to stop for us to meet, but being a stupid kid I didn't really think of this and so she would have to get dropped off to meet at the mall. I really had no sense of distance as a kid. So since we were like better friends in K-8, we still have contact and I guess I kinda bring up the risky text she sent. And yeah so if I think back on this now. My point in this was to fall back on her because I wasn't able to have any relationship. I didn't "talk to girls" in high school; sidenote: here's how autistic I am about that phrase being taken literal. It's not can you like talk to girls just in general; it's talking to girls with a romantic motive. So yeah, I can't talk to girls. So in high school I couldn't talk to girls. So I also struck out when I got peer pressured at a graduation party to ask out my crush. The way I did it was also just horrendous all around: execution, timing, dynamic. So basically I have brought back to my brain girl + old text = Maya? This was kinda lame on my part I can admit. It's like using her as a rebound without the being in a relationship at first myself thing. I'm not saying she was still interested, because looking back it's hard to recall if this was ever established as a date.

So we hung out at the mall together after school. It was around her birthday, but I didn't get her a present prior to meeting up. I'm honestly glad I got to a point where I let texts auto-delete because it's not healthy to have spent the time reliving the past for accuracy. I don't read back on texts for fun; at least, not in a long long while. Time is so finite and I like to try and use it. We ate panda express together at the food court first. I insisted on paying for her food. She was tryna to pay for herself, but I was pretty insistent on me paying. Then we sat down and ate and I was trying to convince her to download a one piece mobile game, also possibly in hopes of her picking up the anime. I don't watch and indulge in anime like I used to. It's more like spurts of binging. Netflix got me fucked introducing this sort of culture. Anyways, she didn't want the app but downloaded it just to amuse me I'm sure. We went looking around at the different shops and I asked her what she wanted for her birthday from hot topic. No thought into my gift because I straight up just had her pick out her own present. Then I don't know. We hung out, when I had to leave we hugged outside and I was running off to try and catch my train.

That night I was texting her and I asked, which present was better her best friend's or her boyfriend's? Yo she put a Full Stop to that. I wonder where I got this idea, but the truth is the lack of experience of ever talking with other people really made me have no idea. I naively thought that from first date to break up is when people are in a relationship (significant others, s/o, bf/gf, gf/gf, bf/bf, whatever). How my understanding has expanding since this moment ninth grade. This is to say I should have known his anniversary was probably just when he asked to be bf/gf. I'm honestly sorry for all the stupid grief I gave to Maya. We didn't talk for a bit after that, but I would see her when our parents would have a get together and stuff. We're cool now. We even live in the same city, thought we've not once hung out. But that's not something I care to much about. We're cool

[menalez]

thank you so much for the advice, i have talked a bit about it with some of my closest friends in the past couple of weeks & it did help me feel better, i will try writing down how i feel too. ooh a new jacket, nice :) yeah i hate gloves too, but they're necessary up in this part of the world sadly lmao

(tw: sa for this next part)

basically two years ago i was assaulted...well, what happened actually fits the legal definition of r*pe but i feel like a liar using that term so i just say assaulted most of the time. i kinda feel like it was partly my fault because i put myself in a situation where that was more likely to happen (i'd only been talking to him for a short time & i suspected he was lying when he said he liked me, but i was in a really bad place emotionally at the time & was doing risky things i wouldn't normally do) but the truth is i didn't want it to happen & i said no multiple times but he ignored me :| in hindsight i was clearly traumatized the next few months; i barely spoke at all to anyone & i got angry a lot. but i told myself i was just embarrassed because he'd ghosted me afterwards. anyway i've finally been able to admit to myself it wasn't just a “bad encounter” but it's not easy having to reflect on all that, esp. when i hear people say negative things about women who have been victimized in this way. it's crappy to feel guilty about something another person did. like why am *i* the one who feels bad? :|

sorry to hear you're dealing with memories of your own trauma too, i'm glad you're able to talk about it with people you trust 🫂

-East African anon 💕

i can talk to my gf about it but generally i don’t rly talk to anyone. i talk about it on my blog too. but my friends don’t rly get it and i don’t want them to feel bad plus idk it feels embarrassing almost. sometimes my mom mentions aspects of it to me bc my trauma was rly impacting me in every way as a teen and she would go to doctor’s appointments with me and stuff like that to tell them my story bc i couldn’t talk about it back then. im better now but i still need therapy for it (which i currently can’t afford right now bc of germany’s very stupid insurance-based healthcare system). this sort of stuff definitely takes time and if u can afford therapy you should absolutely go for it. you’ll probably feel worse at first bc talking about it and trying to process it often refreshes that stuff esp if ur traumatised, it can make u feel like ur literally there experiencing it again when ur talking about it. it still happens to me esp with the more recent traumas & ones im still trying to process but the initial one is still like that (not as bad as it once was tho)

im rly sorry u went through this :( i can understand how u feel.. the shame, embarrassment, powerlessness.. honestly im rly thankful that when it first happened, i had a friend who i talked to bc it was so overwhelming to me mentally & physically to remember what happened to me (i initially blocked it out for 2 days n then my rapist msged me and referenced it which brought back a flood of memories. i still don’t remember a section of it and don’t know how far it went exactly). that friend is the one who told me it was rape and explained to me how it was rape. if he hadn’t, i would’ve been blaming myself for some time and feeling ashamed and acting like im probably just feeling bad bc i must feel sth for him that he doesn’t feel bad or sth else. i remember questioning myself some days back then about how im probably to blame somehow and how im just being dramatic etc etc etc. it might be a bit more difficult for u to address ur trauma cause for me it took about 6 months for me to get help and that was already delayed (it’s encouraged to seek help immediately after or within 2 days or sth bc then the chances of being traumatised and developing ptsd are soooooo much lower) + it took me several days to remember the event & even somewhat process it so. it might be a tough journey for you at first. but you can do this!!! you’ve done the first step already and that’s the hardest part. the hardest part is no longer being in denial of what happened to you. accepting your own powerlessness and how you were hurt in that situation is DIFFICULT. after that, the healing process can finally begin. please feel free to message me whenever if u want someone to talk to about this. my trauma is not as recent, thankfully, but maybe talking to someone who understands can help you somewhat. imo it can be quite comforting knowing you’re not alone, you’re not at fault, and that there’s a future from events like this.

also i totally get you on being affected by how ppl talk about traumatised women. personally i often feel like the way ppl treat us is sometimes even worse than enduring the traumatic event in itself. we’re already in a fragile state bc of what happened, but being in an unsupportive victim-blaming world on top of it makes it even worse. when my rapist went around telling ppl in my school about what happened & when i talked to some ppl about it & they told me it was my fault or that i need to get over it etc.. it made the traumatic event 100x more painful. it’s important to have a good support system around you in this time, bc while many ppl may discount your story & victim blame u or other women, online and/or irl, there are people who will believe you and will stand by you and try their best to support you.

SORRY i ended up rambling a bit. my heads been all scattered for the past week or two. hopefully i was able to give you at least some level of comfort and help here .. pls feel free to talk to me about this stuff whenever. ill be able to handle it and it’ll be worth it if it somehow helps you.

[booksandwords]

Ride the Lightning (Sinister in Savannah, #1)

by Aimee Nicole Walker

Series: Sinister in Savannah, #1 Read Time: 4 Days Rating: 3/5

Quote: Life is like a thunderstorm—unpredictable, beautiful, and sometimes dangerous. — Maeve St. John

Warnings: PTSD, discussion of death and terrorism and survivor's guilt.

I really enjoyed Ride the Lightning much more than I think I expected to. Particularly given I only chose to read it now despite having bought it quite a while ago to fill a prompt for a reading challenge, always a risky prospect. The ending is lovely. Everyone gets what they need and there is no true sadness. I really enjoyed the ride the whodunit aspect and the parallel romance. Avery and Jonah are so good for each other and their bedroom aspects suit them their mix of playful and serious mixing Avery's flirtatious and sunny self with Jonah's brooding and stormy side.

The plot didn't feel predictable to me in hindsight maybe it should be but isn't that a sign of good writing? Being able to look back and see the things the signposts you missed. I do worry about the fate of one of the characters but I think maybe he's fine. Given there are two more books in this series he may yet reappear. On the subsequent books I appreciate that we are given tidbits of them. Book two Mr. Perfect follows Felix and Jude Arrow because there is no way that rivalry isn't hiding all kinds of electric chemistry. Felix is going after a case that for in order to avoid civil suits Jude is shying away from. I'm would guess on professional egos the size of small planets, a history and a battle of wills. Book three Pretty Poison follows Rocky and a yet unmet man. The case in question is Tess Hamilton and it honestly looks really interesting. Tess is a black widow type. Look I have a great aunt who appears like a black widow and it endlessly amuses the whole family. I just really like any book that plays with the trope. The plot is basically is Tess a black widow or not and if she is how did she get away with it for so long.

The characters are likeable on the whole you will find yourself screaming at them to get on with it but that is part of the charm. Their unresolved sexual tension that everyone can see but they are unwilling to act on. they both have very humanising elements too. Jonah's past is more than a bit dark. Just be aware he has PTSD though not as bad as I've read in other books. There is some discussion of death and terrorism and survivor's guilt.

Marla is Jonah's next-door neighbour, recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, Marla is a freaking Queen in two senses of the word. I love her so much. "There are certain things I am unwilling to compromise and staying true to myself tops the list. Love me as I am or get the fuck gone." She is all power and sass and let me go my way. She actually feels quite similar in some ways to Maeve St. John, Jonah's grandmother and the most influential figure in his life. Both are somewhat guiding figures to him. Marla is core to the reason the plot exists, she is the friend that asks Jonah to investigate Earl Ison's case.

Have a note dump because this is already long...

“Why are you assuming her affair is with a man?” Jonah asked out of curiosity. “Oh, hell,” Rocky said slowly. “Why the hell didn’t I consider her lover could be a woman?” “We’re brainwashed with heteronormative bullshit from birth,” — There is a subplot involving PI Rocky and a cheating spouse case that still isn't resolved at the end of the book. I find it amusing and this line, in particular, is so good because we really, really have. (Jonah and Rocky)

God bless any author who writes explicitly safe and consensual sex. In this case, there is also Jonah knowing that as much as Avery wanting something he isn't ready it will hurt him.

Rocky is a serial flirt but Felix is "the slut puppy in this trio,”. That makes things interesting, Rocky may not be all talk per se but he likes to play and banter.

Rocky and Felix have an almost perfect sibling-like relationship. Given they haven't been working together long that was a choice to write but it works well with their personality types.

“Today’s episode is called Ride the Lightning,” [... ] “The term is slang for execution by electric chair, which wasn’t abolished in Georgia until October 2001.” — I didn't know the origins of the title. It's a great choice. I won't add spoilers but the whole thing just works. (Felix)

"Resolve whatever demons are haunting you, cut those fucking chains, and allow yourself to love and be loved in return. You deserve it, baby." — I could write a hundred of Marla's lines here and it wouldn't be enough. In some ways she makes the book.

Just omg the Scooby-Doo references

Karlee who we never met but I kinda wish we did is the sort of best friend I think everyone needs. She's giving her bestie the kick in the pants Avery so desperately needs.

“Goodnight, Avery.” “Sweet dreams, thundercloud.” — Avery's nickname for Jonah is adorable. Thundercloud suits Jonah.

“No one wants to think that innocent people land in prison, especially not on death row. History has taught us otherwise, and I’m afraid some people weren’t paying attention to the lessons.” — This is totally a fair point but also a gut punch. (Jonah)

Props for Ellie. I do love seeing queer women in powerful positions. She's also the best aunt Jonah could ask for.

“Glitter,” Marla scoffed. “I said snazzy, not tacky. This blush pink is my signature color in case you haven’t noticed.” — Look I laughed at this. This is another moment of Marla in a nutshell.

Total respect to any author who can write friendships like this. A hookup that has turned into an almost sibling-like relationship. Neighbours are willing to risk anything for each other. Ride or die best friends and the varying romantic dynamics. All mixed up and working so well in harmony. For those who like Aimee Nicole Walker's writing style after reading this. Royce and Sawyer with their hilarious chemistry, the like of which I haven't read since Rowe and Noah in Unbreakable Bonds, have their own series Zero Hour (book one Ground Zero). Events involving some of the characters in Ride the Lightning take place in the second book, Devil's Hour. I would guess Jonah's cutie housemate Kendall will turn up somewhere else too. Preferably without his problematic baggage. Believe it or not, it's only Travis's douchery that makes me call him problematic not their complicated relationship.

[lilsocksiswriting]

Professor's Little Miscreant

Fandom: Kimetsu no Yaiba( Demon Slayer)

Paring: Professor!Rengoku x Fem!reader

Summary: Your little stunt in class lands you in trouble with your history professor.

Warnings: NSFW, no beta, minors DNI

Tags: college Au, Semi- public sex, multiple orgasm, teach x student, safe sex, after care cuddling

Word Count:1.2k

Even though Rengoku has you bent over the spacious desk in his office, your hips weren’t even touching it. Rengoku’s hands have a tight grip on your hips, lifting them off the desk as he fucks into from behind. Quite ruthlessly you might add. Had the skirt you wore today to class made him this desperate for you? of Mabey it was the way that your knee-high socks cut into soft fat of your thighs that pushed him over the edge into the feral man that was taking you over his desk? You knew for certain that it had something to do with going commando to class today. That alone had your professor pulling you into his office after class to “fuck some sense into you”.

When he saw you form the podium cross one leg over the other from your seat right in front of him Rengoku's whole body went to tense. From that close, you could see the tips of his ears go red. You had made great history professor Rengoku stumbled over the words of his boisterous lecturer, which in hindsight maybe wasn’t the best decision you’ve made. But back then it was a nice little power trip. How one peak at the bare lips of your pussy could make your professor so flustered.

Now you were regretting sitting upfront and pulling that little stunt. It was stupid, you could have been caught. You two could have been caught. You two could still be caught right now at this very moment. There were only four walls, a door, and a window separating this forbidden and risky moment from the outside world. Even with the blinds were closed, the door locked, and Rengoku not having office hours today there was still the small possibility that any student or collogue could walk by and hear dull smacks of Rengoku's hips slapping against your ass.

But it was what was making this round of sex so hot. That small sliver of a possibility of getting caught adds an air of risk that made things feel more rushed and desperate. There was no time for foreplay or building up to a climax when the exact amount of time you two had together was unknown. Someone could knock or hear you. Coupled with the fact that Rengoku was purposely being so rough and merciless with your body cumulated into the overwhelming sensations that neither body nor mind could barely keep up with what your body is feeling.

"Fuck, Kyojor- I- fuck!" your eyes grow wild as an orgasm rips through you. Was there even any build-up? The orgasm just comes bearing down on your body. "I'm cumming! oh god, I'm cumming Kyo~" Your words tapper off into moans and harsh breaths. Your mind becomes a muddled mess of disbelief, shock, and pleasure.

You hear him laugh above you, voice raspy and strained as he continues fucking you through your high. "What's this? Are you really surprised you're cuming already? I thought that you of all people who know how easy it is to make you cum on my cock. And isn't this what you wanted? Isn't that why you pulled that little stunt today? Because you wanted me to punish you? Wanted me to fuck you like a shameless miscreant?"

Weren't the two of you being reckless now?

And was this really a punishment like he said? The pace Rengoku had set was brutal, each time he thrusts back inside you feels like he is knocking the wind out of you all over again. There would surely be bruising in the shape of fingerprints tomorrow. But fuck, did his cock feel good.

Mabey the punishment part was the soreness you'd wake up with tomorrow. Mabey it was going to be the humiliation that will make your cheeks flush when you walk into his class the limping and have a slight grimace when you sit down in one of the hard plastic chairs. You really can't say for certain because you can barely think at this point.

The most prominent, all-consuming, thought in your head right now is Rengoku. Rengoku looking down at you with a disapproving stare the moment he had you alone. Rengoku bending you over his nice desk the university paid for and shoving up your skirt. Rengoku manhandling you in the ways he knows to make your knees weak. Rengoku pushing into you after he slipping on a condom. Rengoku holding onto to you by your hips so you couldn't squirm too much.

Rengoku lifting those hips as he becomes more feral and rougher with you.

Rengoku fucking you.

Rengoku making you cum so suddenly.

Rengoku fucking to the point where you can barely think.

Rengoku

Rengoku…

Oh, fuck you were going to cum again.

"Rengoku .. Rnegoku," you slur mind to hazy from euphoria to think of any other words that might let the two-toned blond know your second orgasm is approaching.

He gets the message and isn't too far from reaching his own release either. Rengoku drops his hips back down the pressed them into the edge of the desk, trapping your ass between his hips and the desk. You feel his body heat radiating off of him like a sun as he crowds over you.

"That's it, pretty girl. Keep moaning my name, you know I love it when you let me know I've fucked you dumb," he encourages, voice breathless, and hot rushes of moist air rolling across the side of your face.

Your eyes roll back as another orgasm rips through you. It makes your whole-body tremble, down from your toes and up to the jaw. Your body goes limp. Slumping onto the desk, numb and warm, and let Rengoku continues to use your body to reach his own release You always know when hep scumming even when he’s not telling you through praises. His whole body trembles as ruts into you, cock twitching and spilling his seed into the condom.

Rengoku stays hunches out too with his deck plugged into your cut. It is only when you soften inside you and has caught his breath that he sips out of the. Removing the condom and tossing it in the trash he diverts his full attention to you. His hands have a softer touch now that you’ve taken your punishment like a good girl, but again you don’t think that the is man fully understand the concept of punishment

He gets you comfortable pulling your skit back down and setting you down in his chair. You watch still a little out of it and he tucks his flaccid cock back into a cardigan for the office's coat rack. You then find yourself wrapped up in that cardigan and setting in his lap.

“I wasn’t too rough, was I?”

A small, satisfied spreads across your face. “I’ll deftly be limping and there are defiantly going be some bruises but fuck that was good. I should do this more often.”

“I really don’t think making me angry is for the best Y/N”

“If it gets me fucked like this then it’s in mine.”

You both share a laugh at that then he hugs you closer, “Then many I need to rethink the way I punish you when you act out."

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale Reviews: ML Season 4 episode 26: Strike back

Spoilers below. And now that I got subs. Will the dialogue hold up to the hype OR kill all interest in the episode

-So Tikki's wording is what had Ladybug think about using Pegabug's power

-So I missed what he said to Lila, But I think Lila got sus at this Adrien being so nice.

-Can we appreciate Felix was smart enough to snag Nathalie's tablet to figure out about the miraculous? Genius

-Felix realizing he had been had is funny

-So this is where I think Shadowmoth messed up. He should have had Risk stay out of the conflict. But he was being risky so... meh

-I do love risks power

-Oh when Strike back destroys a chimney no one says anything but when Chat noir does it he is "A monster" Double standards

-So Ladybug's arguement on how they dont know if Strikeback is a sentimonster or not is interesting.

-Chat noir calling out Ladybug on her lack of risk taking. Oh he doesnt even know

-Ladybug saying that her knowing means, if she gets akumatized its game over. Because he would find out both. Then he says they never get akumatize THUS THE CHAT BLANC FLASH. Because she knows but doesnt tell him. And Chat noir's point is on point.

-Risk activated which had her thank Rena. Which is how Chat noir found out. (But I missed what she said cause it was live.) That doesnt seem like a risk but it actually is

-Ladybug telling him not to look because its too risky. Chat noir continuing to get MORE ANNOYED.

-Okay I missed what the mayor said. But it is actually REALLY FUNNY. HE IS RISKING HIS LIFE FOR CINEMA.

-I know its not translation related. But... Chat noir and Ladybug pulled off some masterful saves with their weapons

-Shadowmoth approves of child endangerment

-So Looking at her choices. Carapace, Ryuuko, Purple tigress, Vespera, Polymouse, Rooster bold, and Minotourox.

-Most of those make no sense choice wise.

-Then King monkey is there

-Also side note... Polymouse power is actually SUPER USEFUL. I take back previous statements about it.

-So Ladybug just brought the kid to cityhall. Which in hindsight explains what happened

-My question though is how Carapace knew Rena was up there?

-But that spoiled it because... well shadowmoth be spying

-So Rena furtive noticed the matching patterns and said the kid is responsible.

-Also Chat noir got f***ing shmacked into a concrete wall. Damn Risk got strength for a kid

-Chat noir was told to not help because if his power got used strikeback would be too strong. But Chat noir wants to help and Risks power is still active... so thats a problem.

-It really looks like they are bullying a small child

-And strikeback steals the power.

-Ladybug's luckycharm is the train for yesterday.

-So Ladybug doubts her decision because of risk right now. But also cause adrien is involved. And my theory is that she actually did get it wrong. She should have used time travel to go back in time WITH the dog miraculous... But of course thats just me.

-Okay so I like her hair.... but the shoulder pads look so dumb.

-So she calls herself Pelibug. Neat.

-She checked for a mark

-Felix just asked her if the yo-yo... OMG SO THATS HOW HE KNEW! MARINETTE YOU FOOL!

-Felix hesitates cause he remembers he told ladybug he wasnt a hero. But now he is totally gonna abuse the power.

-Also BARKK IS A PRECIOUS BEAN!!!

-Dude just tried to rip her off right there! And she didnt even realize it.

-Yo I just realized Felix is going through a LOT right now. Didnt even realize he found out about time travel and his aunts corpse in a basement in the same day.

- Oh he hid it at the zoo. Thats smart.

- So thats how Ladybug beat Risk.

-Chat noir realized he messed up.

-Felix calls himself .flairmidable. Oh I get it now

-Chat noir going through the heartbreak.

-I like how the rest of the team is totally fine with Ladybug gushing.

-Chat noir's grumpy face makes me laugh

-Okay so NOW ROOSTERBOLDS POWER MAKES SENSE AND MAN IS IT OP AF.

-And in the moment of distraction, Felix won

-Wow... Really watching the moment. Felix being a sentimonster. He just witnessed his sens-brethren get f***ing murdered. In that context, his betrayal probably was a lot easier.

-But he does seem sorry to betray her still

-Shadowmoth LOST with his plan. He was so salty

-Okay so the Alya and Marinette scene is heartbreaking. But Ladybug being understanding.

-Alya being responsible but also it kind of doomed her cause she said to get the other miraculous before detransforming... but to be fair Alya had no idea Felix did what he did.

-And Felix is sitting in the office like the big dog. telling his uncle Ladybug did make a mistake

-Lila thinks something is up and is smiling as Nathalie is in pain.

- So Adrien got changed I guess since he isnt in Felix's clothes.

-So Adrien Realizes the DOG was suppose to be him and that Felix scammed Ladybug

-Felix wants the real Peacock miraculous.

-So Felix's Dialogue is FUCKING AMAZING. He is telling Gabriel I am the alpha and Give me what I want.

-And Ladybug is in panic mode.

-And Gabriel is WAY TOO happy

-So Adrien gets Ladybug to detransform in private so the yo-yo returns.

-But its too late.

-Also Felix is really lucky that Ladybug didnt detransform. Or his deal would have went wrong.

-So Hawkmoth's speech really makes him sound absolutely vile and I love it.

-Ladybug losing all hope but Chat noir arrives

-Ladybug telling him all the reasons she failed and specifically failed him, that he of all people should abandon her. But Chat noir dismissing it and reaching out his hand. THAT IS GOOD S***

-This is the best ladynoir moment. Chat noir telling her they will get the miraculous back. That they will get them all back, With Her, the best heroine, the people of paris that believe in her, and him her faithful partner.

-IF that s*** aint beautiful I dont know what is.

_____________________________________________________________

So I got the subs

and...

I think Strikeback may be my favorite episode. Even more than Origins.

The action was well paced. The drama was there. The suspense.

The moments from previous episodes finally get payoffs.

This was the season finale we wanted... no... that the show NEEDED.

Ladybug and Chat noir are finally in the place they need to be.

Hawkmoth is now hitting his final stage of being the villain.

And its really coming together.

Also I love how Diabolical Felix is. He won.

Hawkmoth's plan was nothing if Felix didnt do what he did.

Felix was the true winner.

And Now Ladybug and Chat noir have a war to fight.

I give this episode a 10/10.

This was what I wanted from a season finale.

[donutloverxo]

NSFW alphabet | Chris Evans

Please note that my stories are not to be stolen or reposted on any other site. Reblogs are welcome. This blog and this story is 18+. Do not read, follow or interact if you are not 18+.

Note - This is written just for fun. I don't know Chris or what he likes lol. I also don't own the alphabet format.

Dividers by @whimsicalrogers

Warnings - rpf, smut, daddy kink, d/s relationship, dom Chris, anal stuff, semi public sex, spanking, sex toys, praise kink.

Word count - 2.5k

A=Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Chris is clingy as fuck after sex. He’ll hold you close to his heart (you being the lil spoon of course) and not let go the entire night. With soft kisses on your face, hair and on any bruises he might have left on you. With some pillow talk about how his love for you can overwhelm him sometimes, that he can’t imagine not having you not that he gets to have a taste of you almost every night. Sometimes he likes to listen to you talk about your day, or share a deep secret you hadn’t told anyone else.

His clinginess is something you adore. Something which you would usually be fine with, how he just could not keep his hands off of you, but when you’re somewhere tropical and hot it becomes a bit of a problem.

You were visiting him while he was filming for red Sea diving resort, after seeing him in the beard and the longer hair you couldn’t help yourself and you just jumped on him. After some hot and sweaty sex, you had moved away from him a little, with your back to him you wiped the sheen off of your forehead with the back of your hand, trying to fan yourself with your own hand, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he had growled. Not wanting even an inch of distance between the two of you. You tried to protest because you needed to cool off but eventually gave in.

B=Body Part (Their favorite body part)

Everyone knows the answer to this. He likes your ass the most. It doesn’t matter if it’s a flat ass or a thick one he’ll love it the same because it’s a part of you. He likes to smack it, he likes looking at it, he may even like to fuck it. Some stretch marks would just be the cherry on top.

His next favorite would have to be your hips. He loves to see their silhouette through your yoga pants or jeans, or even a dress. After a night of some rough fucking they usually bear his handprints which he loves obviously because it’s almost like he branded you as his own.

C=Cum (Anything to do with cum basically... I’m a disgusting person)

It’s always a battle with the two of you when it comes to cumming. Because Chris likes to see your body covered in his seed, particularly your face, ass and breasts, and you like to have him do it inside you, be it your pussy or your mouth.

Which he doesn’t mind obviously, he likes the idea of his spend being in your tummy, but he also likes taking pictures of your ass covered with his spunk. You just look so pretty when he comes on your face🥺

D=Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory)

Chris has fucked you in more bathrooms than you can remember. It’s become a thing or almost a ritual now. Whenever he takes you to an event or a party, or just a casual dinner at his family or friends house, you’ll end up on your knees in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth, or he’ll worship you and eat you out till you literally can’t even walk straight.

It started when you accompanied him to an important event, he was extremely anxious. And you felt helpless because you didn’t know how to make him feel better. But you did know one thing that always lifts his mood up. So you dragged him to the men’s room and sucked him off. He was much relaxed the rest for the evening thanks to you.

E= Experience (How experienced are they?)

VERY. He’s extremely experienced. He has a lot of knowledge and puts it to good use on you. Which can be a little daunting if you’re more on the inexperienced side but don’t ne afraid. He’ll train you really well, you just have to be a good girl and listen.

F= Favorite Position

His favorite position would be doggy style. Where he’s doing from behind, with you on your hands and knees, or with your head down and ass perched up to him because you never can stay up right when he’s doing you so well. He has full access to your ass, if you’re okay with it he would use his fingers on you, spank your ass. He loves to grab your hips or your ass and your breasts.

He’s also a huge fan of missionary. Because he can’t see your pretty face, or look into your eyes from behind. Most days he wants intimacy and to show you how much he loves you.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

Depends on his mood. Sometimes he’s a bit goofy, like talking in a comically exaggerated Boston accent when you told him you liked the sound of his voice and how his accent becomes more prominent when he is horny.

But most of the times, he’s in control. He has to maintain some composure so you wouldn’t question who’s really in charge or think that you could get away with anything. Because you know how to make him laugh, and if he let’s you do that he couldn’t keep a straight face while punishing you.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Chris has dark Brown pubic hair, like that of his beard and the hair on his head.

Does anyone remember that term ‘manscaping'? Where dudes trim their pubic hair to make their dicks look bigger. Chris definitely does that. Although he doesn’t need to because like if he got any bigger he might split you in two.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect)

Doesn’t matter if you’re making love, or fucking hard it will always be intimate and loving with Chris in one way or another.

If you feel needy, and like you want him to show you how much he loves you, you just have to sit on his lap, bat your lashes at him, show him your puppy eyes, and hump his leg a little. He’d get the sign and take you to bed, slowly dragging his cock in and out of you, drawing it out for the both of you, his fingers laced with yours, pinned above your head. He’d feast on your breasts and nipples the whole time just so you could feel his love and need for days.

If you’re feeling particularly frisky, or in a mood to piss him off just so he could be rough with you without you having to ask, you can just give him attitude or roll your eyes a lot. He’ll spank your ass raw, or edge you for hours, or make you climax till it literally hurts, depends on his mood really, to teach you some manners. But since you like the punishment you never learn.

Even while he’s got you over his knee, you not wearing anything but the diamond necklace he gave you, your cheeks wet from crying for the past fifteen minutes, your ass on fire but you still had to take more from him. He tsked, reprimanding you for ruining his expensive dress pants with your slick, playing with your intimate lips, he’d say while stroking your head, “It’s okay, baby, daddy still loves you. Even when you get on my nerves.”

Even while fucking you like he hated you, he made you felt loved and as if you were the most precious person in the world.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

When you started dating, Chris would often masturbate to the thought of you. But when you started sleeping together he never felt the need to, and you asked him not to do it anymore because you didn’t want him wasting his cummies.

Which might’ve been a huge mistake in hindsight because you revealed a weakness of yours. Now when he REALLY wants to punish you, he’d just tie you up jerk off his cock right before your eyes, “See this, sweetheart? I could be fucking your sweet pussy right now, and making you feel good too, but you had go and be a bad girl.” He’d come all over your face or breasts, and would of course make you come too if he feels you’ve learned your lesson.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Chris has a huge daddy kink. He doesn’t just like the title, he likes everything that comes along with it.

He likes that he has to take care of you, in and outside if the bedroom, being a daddy is a 24/7 job, he has to be considerate to you and grateful for all the trust and love you give him.

He also really likes pinning you down. Whether it be during play wrestling or during sex, it makes him feel strong, and it drives you crazy, absolutely feral for him.

L=Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Yeah you’ve had your share of sneaking off to do it during events but his favorite place to do it would be in the privacy of his own home, preferably his bed so that your dog won’t walk in on you.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

If you simply say, “Screw me.” That would probably be more than enough to turn him on and fulfil your request.

But what grinds his gears is seeing you in tight clothing, or the kind of clothes that would show off your assets. If you’re a good mom to dodger, if you show an interest in the things he likes or do anything that would make his heart flutter and make him fall more in love with you.

N= NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He would never have proper public sex because that would probably interfere with his public image and work. Other than that he’s pretty open to most things.

He also wouldn’t like to invite anyone else to your bedroom or to share you. It is a nice fantasy for him but way too risky.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He likes both giving and receiving equally. He likes having you on your back where he can see your face while he explores your intimate walls with his tongue, but he also likes to have you ride his face. You were apprehensive to at first, but with some convincing you agreed.

Sixtynine is another one of his favorites. He never actually had to ask for it. You were sitting on his face, holding onto his stomach and screaming when you felt your orgasm approaching, he pushed your head just a little, you got the hint, and started working on his cock, which was painfully hard.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? Etc.)

It would usually depend on what kinda day it is and how you’re both feeling. But most of the time he is usually slow but at the same time rough. Where his thrusts are drawn out but also impactful.

Q= Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Chris loves quickies. Bending you over the kitchen counter, a quick session in the afternoon on the couch when things got a little too heated while cuddling, in his trailor while he’s on a break, in the shower where he can make you dirty before cleaning you up. You made it.

But he wouldn’t prefer them over proper sex ever. Usually he likes to take his time with you.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc)

He’s game to experiment to a certain extent. Even if he’s skeptical about something he’d keep an open mind and give it a shot for you.

S= Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last)

He’s a fit and motivated man so he can last for a long time and go for many rounds. It’s more likely for you to be tired and tapped out than for him.

If it was a long day on set, and if he’s a little exhausted then he may not be able to go more than once. But will make up for it when he can.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

You both own a variety of butt plugs and vibrators, silky ties, blindfolds, handcuffs that Chris likes to use on you. You even bought a ball gag asking him to put it on you, which was the only time you ever used it because Chris liked to hear your voice and for you to call him daddy or say his name. You couldn’t do it with your mouth full.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Chris teases you a lot, but he would be a MASSIVE tease if he was a little more patient. He knows the effect he has on you. How you can’t take your eyes off him when he wears a t-shirt that’s a bit too tight and shows off his arms, how you can’t help but grab his butt sometimes and feel him up. When you bite your lip or look away when he catches you staring. If you get caught, be prepared because he will only do it more just to egg you on.

His touches a bit too light, he’d bring you to the edge and leave you just there. But fortunately it won’t last long because usually he’s the one who ends up getting riled up.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He’s loud alright. And he isn’t ashamed of it. He would never try to hide how good you make him feel, or miss an opportunity to call you a good girl and praise your gorgeous body. There will be lots of grunting and groaning and moaning and you revel in every second of it.

X = X-Ray (Let s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He’s pretty big. Much bigger than average. He looked pretty average when he wasn’t hard, you let that fool you into thinking you could take him pretty easily, he wasn’t that much bigger than anyone else you’d had sex with right?

Your eyes almost popped out of your head when you saw him hard, his dick hard and thick and a blush pink, two thick running on the sides of it.

He assured you that he would make it fit and that you had nothing to be worried about.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

It’s pretty high. Higher than most people at least. You call him your horndog, but like in a nice way, because he always wants it. Even if you spent an entire night screaming his name and being used and stretched in ways that made your pussy as well as your body sore, he would still ask for more the very next morning. He’d respect you if you say no and back off immediately but he’s up for it whenever you want.

ZZZ (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

If he has things on his mind, and if you fall asleep sooner than usual then he’d be up a while. But most of the times he falls asleep quickly after.