#this is NOT about caleb his decisions are valid and i support him

[essektheylyss]

Listen, some of us would actually like to get through our eternally-growing reading lists, and if someone was like, "Hey, do you want to get reincarnated and get all of your memories back," I would simply say yes.

rip to Essek Thelyss and all of his concerns about dunamancy or whatever but I'm built different.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

jester began falling in love with caleb in episode 103.

not any earlier in my opinion, and not later, either.

there's two elements to why i believe e103 is the turning point.

(1) the first is caleb's actions and jester's responses to them during the night they all sleep by the waterfall—his support of her idea to sleep underwater, his conversation with her after her commune with artagan, and his casting of programmed illusion in the dome.

(2) the second is the way her behavior toward caleb pivots around e103. before e103 is a noticeably different beast to how she begins to treat him after e103—the attention she pays him, her efforts to hold more standout interactions with him, and a dramatic swell of emotion and thematic meaning in these scenes’ respective subtext.

the rumblecusp arc is the point in which jester’s character growth, and caleb’s efforts to unconditionally support her, really begin to shine. throughout the complex growing pains that jester and artagan's relationship was experiencing, the one person who truly takes a moment to offer her support without any agenda or judgment is caleb.

(e103, 1:22:55, bold mine)

CALEB: You okay over there?

JESTER: (tearful) Yeah, I'm fine. Just—I'm just drawing.

CALEB: Maybe didn't go as well as you were hoping?

JESTER: Um... In some ways it went better. But no.

CALEB: I can't speak for him. But you do have us.

JESTER: I know.

CALEB: So whatever you land on, Jester, we'll make it happen.

JESTER: (shaky laugh) I have to figure out what I want to land on.

CALEB: That is the, uh—sticky wicket, isn't it?

JESTER: Yeah. Everything's confusing.

CALEB: Maybe... Maybe we sleep on it, it'll make more sense in the morning.

JESTER: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Caleb.

CALEB: I didn't do anything.

jester confesses that her commune with artagan didn’t provide the answers she was hoping for—that he knew about the curse on the island—and caleb doesn’t remark on what that seems like. he deliberately avoids speculating on why artagan is doing these things because “he can’t speak for him.” he doesn’t assume anything about what she might choose to do and explicitly leaves that choice up to her. jester vents briefly about how difficult the choice is, and caleb offers her reassurance, a reminder that some time will make things clearer. he doesn’t suggest solutions.

unlike fjord or beau, caleb doesn’t ask her to voice outright whether artagan is being a good friend. he doesn’t continually question his character and imply any personal opinions to her or what he thinks she should do. instead, he asks whether she’s okay. he listens. and he offers unconditional support.

this is consistently the stance caleb takes in the rumblecusp arc. and it’s not discussed much, i think, exactly how monumental that was to jester.

(hold on, this is a long one.)

jester is a young woman who grew up sheltered and wants to define herself outside of that shelter. for her, this campaign has essentially been a coming-of-age journey (talks for e76-77, 14:12). she is deeply sensitive to whether or not she’s respected because she’s aware of how her personality and general lack of experience makes others think she’s naive, immature, or incapable (talks for e79, 31:51).

it’s also incredibly evident that her relationship with artagan is unique. in e105 (1:15:01), jester tells the m9, “he really got me through a lot when i was younger, you know? and he was all i had, really.” he was her best friend from childhood in a home where she spent most of her time hidden in a single room. when she was younger, the few times she left the chateau, she was bullied by other girls (e110, 3:34:59). her best friend, though? her best friend was a god. a god with an incredible sense of humor, an aggrandizing attitude, and adoring respect for a young girl in a difficult situation who had as wonderful a personality as him. in every way that matters, artagan’s friendship undoubtedly saved jester’s life.

and she is so, so aware of this. she cares for him deeply, trusts him unconditionally, and is determined to be there for the one person who had been there for her when no one else was, not even her mother.

the renegotiation of this friendship after artagan revealed his full identity was clearly extraordinarily difficult for jester. she was having to reevaluate her entire relationship with the being that pulled her through a childhood of isolation and misery, question his intentions with her and whether they could even remain friends at all. and this was amidst her arrival at a dangerous island with her other friends to help him clean up his mistakes.

asking her to make a judgment on artagan before she’s ready to do it on her own, while managing some high expectations at the same time—not only is it a lot of pressure, it’s frustrating and painful. jester did not want to judge artagan without giving him his fair due and a proper conversation. knowing that her new friends dislike her old friend, besides being hurt by it, distracted her. she had to both defend him outwardly and interrogate him internally. and if she tried to explain how important artagan is to her, a lot of vulnerability would’ve been necessary when she was trying to be a leader and seem competent and capable, instead of a child who needs patronizing guidance.

this latter point is exceptional. because jester lavorre is so vulnerable when it comes to how much she thinks her loved ones respect her and consider her a valuable, equal, and trustworthy individual. and it’s difficult to feel like you’re being valued and trusted when people are repeatedly questioning you about a person and a relationship that they don’t understand in a way that, despite genuine concern, comes across as them doubting your own judgment of one of the most intimate parts of your life.

in this precise moment in e103, caleb is the only person who acknowledges—to her in person, even—that he doesn't have any place in judging her relationship with artagan. that it’s not what she needs from him or anyone else. that he’s content waiting for her to reach a decision. that he will respect that decision.

and jester can believe him. caleb’s done nothing but remain consistent on this stance. he repeatedly supports her choices to run travelercon, trust artagan, and come to his aid.

when other party members question artagan's legitimacy, caleb is the one who almost always speaks up to support jester (some examples: e61, 30:43 / e77, 49:17 / e95, 1:09:17 and 1:15:24).

he actively and enthusiastically offers his magical talents to her to provide for the event preparations. he has a whole conversation with her in e91 (beginning 1:53:41) where he expresses his immense respect for her and her personality, explicitly validates her faith in artagan, and shows her a tangible example of how he wants to help her during the upcoming travelercon. when she suggests some ideas, despite their arguable silliness, caleb takes them at face value and openly admits his lack of expertise in this area (e91, 1:58:35).

when they first arrive at rumblecusp, he directly reassures jester about the ‘travelercon 3000’ banner she leaves on the wrong beach by mentioning that he can make her a new banner (e101, 48:18). once preparations begin in earnest, caleb expends spells very freely, including ones of higher-level, to produce whatever jester requests.

in e103, he hears out her idea of sleeping underwater and gives it equal consideration in spite of other party members trying to shoot it down. the first time she suggests it (36:23), caduceus comments against it and no other party member acknowledges her except for caleb, who agrees with her quietly while the others move on. the second time jester suggests it (46:08), veth comments against it and caleb steps in to openly agree that it’s a good idea, even after fjord and beau join veth in being dubious.

compare these active, consistent moments of support and validation from caleb to similarly active and consistent examples of the other attitudes that manifest during the rumblecusp arc, in contradiction to people’s apparent claims of trust (one such claim of trust: e95, 1:00:21).

plainly insulting artagan to jester as if it’s a given, such as fjord’s “he’s generally full of shit, right?” (e107, 49:42);

fjord, beau, and caduceus’s conversation about “not ruining jester’s big day,” yet distrusting artagan to the extent of planning to keep her from being alone with him, preparing to attack him should he try to sacrifice 200 people for some speculated unknown ritual and/or hurt jester, and discussing all of this behind jester’s back (e108, beginning 15:41);

caduceus’s said shift to distrust of artagan because of a semi-disturbing conversation that jester was equally a part of (e107, beginning 20:40);

and the discussion right before jester’s commune with artagan where beau questions if artagan sent them to rumblecusp knowing of the memory problems, without regard for their well-being (e103, 29:40).

the unfortunate assumption being made by these party members’ repeated questioning and protectiveness of jester is that she cannot be trusted to have good judgment. despite their familiarity with some of the context of her relationship with artagan (especially after e105), they disregard her repeatedly-expressed support of him. they indirectly disrespect her ability to judge for herself whether someone is dangerous to her or her friends. they don’t acknowledge jester’s own role in creating dubious situations and instead direct all their negative feelings and sense of fault to artagan, minimizing her agency.

the e108 conversation is a dense microcosm of how the party perpetrates these assumptions throughout the rumblecusp arc as a whole. without qualm, they discuss deliberately controlling jester’s time with artagan to ‘protect’ her and their willingness to kill the evil image they’ve constructed of him, and dodge jester directly asking them what they’re talking about—even though it is a known given that the m9 would defend her with their lives with or without any prior discussion. the purpose of holding this conversation isn’t to make sure that jester is safe. like caduceus near-explicitly says, it’s to “feel better knowing” that “anybody else was on board with this” (20:26 and 18:57)—to validate their unacknowledged distrust of jester’s judgment with each other, behind her back.

and as laura has said: jester, with her very high wisdom, tends to know what’s going on even if she acts like she doesn’t (talks for e79, 32:39).

in e103, when jester is crying because she’s found out that artagan did know about the island’s memory problems, caleb doesn’t show any sign of taking this as proof of artagan's ill intent. what he does instead: he offers compassion for her pain with zero judgment. he promises to support her, no matter what she ultimately decides to make of this information. these are offers of safety and trust, ones that jester desperately needed.

then—caleb creates a programmed illusion of the m9’s lives. and it’s beautiful.

in comparison to all the analysis prior, this moment is straightforward. jester is an artist. she paints, draws, and creates, and she loves doing it. moreover, she loves making art for other people. though she doesn’t get many chances to do so, the mural of a flowery meadow that she paints for yasha’s room in the xhorhaus is a perfect example. similarly, she enjoys the art she makes when defacing other people’s property—altered signage or statue of the platinum dragon painted in rainbow—in part because they’re gifts to the traveler. she loves making those she loves happy.

happiness and love to jester is overwhelmingly about emotional intimacy. i’ve talked about this to some degree in a previous post about jester’s jealousy. please refer there for in-depth explanation. in brief, though, she puts value on how deeply she knows a person; how often she’s been able to be there for them. this is the love she learned from her mother and from artagan, and how she continues to love once she’s older.

caleb’s arcane rendition of the m9′s lives floating around the inside of the dome is a display of exactly this kind of love. not only is it art crafted from his magic and imagination and love—it’s blatant evidence of how much he cares for every member of the party and where they’ve come from. he remembers their stories and hangs them in the air in hopes that it’ll help them resist the memory erasing. he moves the memory of yasha and zuala in a meadow over to yasha’s pillow-side so she can watch it until she falls asleep. he creates a memory for vilya of her, her husband, and her daughter, listening to and respecting the emotional gravity of what she’s confiding in them.

only a few minutes after jester’s disappointing commune with artagan and her conversation with caleb, she walks into the dome and sees this art. she laughs and stares in wonder at all the memories (e103, 1:46:08). when beau points out the humorous memories of fjord being attacked by turtles so they can all laugh, she tells caleb with equal awe and joy, “wow. this is amazing, caleb” (e103, 1:47:04).

...of course, as lovely and meaningful as these back-to-back moments were for jester, it's not quite evidence of her starting to fall in love with caleb around this time.

that’s where the following episodes come in.

[id: three screenshots of messages sent in a discord channel by the user “prim” (the op). all are timestamped to friday, august 28, 2020, the day after the live premiere of e107. the first has an additional timestamp of 12:53 PM, the second 1:03 PM, and the third 1:30 PM. they read:

honest to god though i don't know if it's just the shipper brain that is making me think laura is trying to roleplay jester beginning to reciprocate caleb's feelings [...]

like........ the golden dick hunt teasing is definitely on par with jester's past shenanigans, but the compliments have been Catching My Attention bc it's honestly not normal for jester to compliment caleb of her own volition like that, just as a one-on-one "i appreciate you" reassurance

and i'm thinking less about the spells from last night's episode (although how much jester was emphasizing the compliments made me go "awwwww") and more of the moments like jester telling caleb "that was impressive" after getting cad out of the tunnel with beau's help

but laura is absolutely a shipping troll with jester this campaign so i'm here like "I'M MAYBE 80% SURE I'M BEING FUCKED WITH BUT IT MAYBE HOLDS UP????" [...]

basically laura keeps doing things that make the alarm in my brain go off and i don't know if i'm picking up something legit or if i'm projecting my hopes, like the recent pattern of compliments from jester LOL

/end id.]

i’m not going to lie, if i try to list every single receipt like i otherwise prefer to do in these metas, i think we (and especially i) would all lose our minds. so while i’m about to provide a lot of citations, they genuinely are just a few possible examples that will mostly be within the dozen episodes after e103.

the more important detail that can be observed from this is that e103 is a turning point.

prior to e103, jester does not particularly go out of her way to interact with caleb. by and large, most of their direct interactions are either initiated by caleb or prompted by the context of a general party conversation. the majority of other moments that could be referred to as ‘widojest’ are of caleb’s evident feelings. beyond early campaign days, jester rarely teases caleb about sexual topics while insinuating things about her own sexual life at the same time.

after e103, laura and jester begin to go out of their way to interact with and intertwine jester’s time with caleb.

the rate of jester’s compliments and enthusiastic gratitude to caleb skyrocket (some examples: e104, 30:36 / e107, 16:49 and 1:11:28 and 1:12:15 and 3:10:39 / e110, 15:58 and 3:37:24 / e111, 36:15 and 38:41 and 50:58);

several mature jokes/flirtations she makes involve both caleb and herself (examples: e107, 1:16:17 / e110, 1:18:07 / e115, 1:52:53);

she deliberately and specifically engages caleb in full-blown interactions, such as the conversations during the tour of her childhood bedroom (e110, beginning 1:11:38), hanging out with him on the icebreaker ship (e112, beginning 3:45:29), and the reading of der katzenprinz (e115, beginning 1:52:43);

as well as the expansion of more extended ‘conversations’ like their motif of dancing (e108, 13:39 / e109, 2:54:14), their parental relationships (e110, 20:44 and 3:38:41 / e115′s der katzenprinz / e121, beginning 1:52:12), and polymorph shenanigans (examples: e107, beginning 2:58:41 / e117, beginning 1:13:55 / e118, 43:57).

thrown in are additional background details that further tie jester to caleb, such as her determination to recover caleb’s amulet after their defeat of vokodo (e106, 25:33), the knowing comments on his purchasing of paper (e109, 22:32 / e111, 1:25:49), her deliberate choice to ride whaleb during the avantika chase (e113, 2:32:28), her retrieval of caleb’s coat when he’s attempting to remove the necromantic emerald (e115, 1:30:56), and her deliberate reference to der katzenprinz to iver (e120, 3:05:14);

and simply everything about the tower. it’s another example of the art and creativity caleb produces with his magic to make his loved ones happy, which jester acknowledges at least twice (refer to the e111 compliments). contrarily, jester also makes note of the signs that this tower shows less love to caleb than she thinks he deserves, in keeping with her value of emotional intimacy (e115’s der katzenprinz / e122’s floor 8, room 1).

the reading of der katzenprinz in e115 is arguably the pinnacle of these examples. it’s intentionally initiated by jester. she both takes the step to visit caleb's room and indirectly requests him to read the story to her. laura’s implication that she remembered this subplot because of beau’s reading of a very romantic letter from yasha is particularly suggestive. the story itself incorporates many similar characters and themes that are present in jester’s backstory: the lonely, sheltered boy and his single working mom as jester and marion; the dubious cat prince who ultimately gives the boy freedom and confidence as artagan; and the deep love between the boy and his mother because of how they only have each other, which compels a powerful being to have compassion and thus set the boy free so that they can be together. very similar to both jester’s depth of relationship with her mother and her pleas on artagan’s behalf to the moonweaver’s celestial servant.

and the post-story conversation—caleb’s confiding of its importance to him because of his mother. jester’s open willingness to compare the cat prince to artagan, knowing that caleb respects their friendship and has treated artagan fairly. jester’s lingering, repeated looks toward caleb while smiling and holding her copy of der katzenprinz to her heart.

with all this dramatic expansion of the emotional and thematic intimacy between jester and caleb beginning to roll down the hill after e103—in brilliant contrast to their more muted, less reciprocal dynamic before this episode—e103 is more than likely the turning point of jester’s feelings. and based on the events and context, it was caused by the combined emotional appeal of caleb’s offer of unconditional support and his display of love for his family in the programmed illusion of memories.

[rosemarydisaster]

So, about Bi Caleb

Warning: very long post, discussing bi representation and biphobia.

*Sorry for spelling errors, English ain’t my firts language.

I can’t believe I have to tell you guys, but anyways: Caleb is bi whether he ends with a male character, a female character on a non binary character. That’s what bi people do, you know? they experience atraction for all genders. Saying that a bi character that ends with someone of the opposite gender is straight and queerbaiting is incredibly biphobic.

Yes, Vax was bisexual. Yes, he ended up with Kiki. Get fucking over it.

Now, I can understand why LGBT+ fans may feel disappointed when they tease a “gay couple” but the “straigth” couple ends up being endgame. Notice the quotation marks because there’s not such thing as a straight or gay couple for a bi person. They are bisexual in both situations, but I can see where the problem comes from. I’ve been queerbaited to hell and back by a lot of shows and it really hurts. It feels like they are laughting at you for caring. But I want those fans (whose feelings are totally valid, don’t get me wrong) to consider a few things when it comes to Critical Role, the first one being: it’s a D&D game.

Let me explain, because I know a lot of CR fans haven’t experienced what D&D is like in real life (and that’s absolutely valid, you don’t need to play D&D to enjoy CR). This is an improvisation game, not an scripted TV show. In a Tv show you can plan ahead of time what ship is going to be endgame, what themes are gonna come up for each character and it’s easier to deeply explore sexuality and gender as different planned arcs. In D&D you character’s sexuality may or may not come up depending on how you play it. Take for instance how other CR character’s have stated their sexuality:

Beau: overtly. Very *In your face* kind of lesbian. Marisha said “fuck it, I really just want to romance girls and be bad ass”

Yasha: openly, but not as in your face. Ashley Jhonson wanted to drink from that WLW cup while also being a shy disaster. Seafood market is her favored terrain.

Caduceus: Our Ace king has never hidden his sexuality, and yet he didn’t mention anything about it until chapter 114. He didn’t had the need to either hide it or state it. He was simply vibing.

I think Liam is going that route with Caleb. He’s flustered by Essek and Edwulf (Come on you guys, he always asks Matthew if he’s still hot). He also had/has a thing for Astrid and a think he might have feels for our favorite Tiefling gal. I know we are all too used to characters being teased as gay/bi only to have execs pull a “haha jk they be straight”. But this is not Sherlock or Supernatural. This is a show that not only has queer rep, but also supports queer organizations and creators. Hell, I’m sure some of the cast members are LGBT (but I’m not here to speculate on real people’s sexuality). If Caleb shows attraction to men he is not just queerbaiting, doing it for fanservicing or tricking the fans in any way shape or form: he’s just portraying a bi character. The thing is, since this is not a TV show, he is not doing it por woke points or to send a message. He’s doing it because he wants to play a bi wizard with depression.

So maybe there will be a point in which he can explores his sexuality more deeply, but remember he is playing a game. And his character is one that has a lot of trouble opening up to his feelings. Caleb is not someone that makes sexual jokes or flirty remarks. He is shy, awkward and has developed a really fucked up sense of love that he is now slowly fixing. Hell, in the same Talks episode Liam explained that Caleb was trained on Honey-pot tactics. Which, for those of you who can’t stand Bond films, means seducing your enemy/target to get information, manipulate them or assassinate them. WHICH IS A REALLY FUCKED UP THING! Let’s remember how he was the one to push Fjord to sleep with Advantica so they could spy on her. That boy has Issues when it comes to relationships. So if we don’t see him being as overtly gay as Beau, Molly or Yasha, well maybe it’s because that’s the way Caleb is. Bi people don’t owe you flamboyance, or dating both guys and gals for your approval. I wouldn’t make a post if it was only that, because I do feel the people who are aching for good bi rep and would love some more explicit confirmation. But Vax exists, so I know we can’t have good things down here.

VAX EXPLICITELY SHOWED ATTRACTION TO GILMORE. AS EXPLICIT AS IT GETS. HE FUCKING KISSED HIM. THEY WERE PRACTICALLY DATING. AND YET SOME OF YOU FUCKERS CALL HIM QUEERBAITING. AND I SAY: NOT ON MY WATCH! NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH!!

How come a character can have canonically kissed another character in a romantic/sensual context and still be called straight? I know fucking Sherlock traumaticed y’all into having trust issues but believe me when I tell you: I’ts not that deep. This is not a “Haha I love u but in a no homo way bro”. It’s a “full homo darling, but also we’re gonna break up because I like someone else”. This is the opposite of queerbaiting. Instead of keeping a charade he was honest with Gilmore because he valued his feelings and realized that he couldn’t reciprocate them at that moment. And if you try to tell me that Vaxleth was forced and didn’t have a reason to exist except queerbaiting, let me tell you: you are wrong.

Vax saw Gilmore once or twice monthly while he spent a heck ton of time with Kiki. Sure, they didn’t had the kind of camera chemistry Gilmore and Vax had because Keyleth is not charismatic. She’s really awkward, and her relationship with Vax was more on the adorable and dorky side of things. I bring this up because I’m predicting something similar may happen to Shadowgast.

Trust me, I ship the hot wizards as much as any other critter (even though I’m a multishipper). But they haven’t talked to Essek in centuries. I think it may have been almost a month in rol and quite a few outside. And you have to take into account out-rol time to because they are humans (except Tal) playing a game and they forget about stuff (except Marisha and Matt). So Shadowgast may not happen because sure, they had really good chemistry for a month a month ago. People have crushes that die down over time All The Time. So maybe don’t be so butthurt about your ship not being canon that you accuse an ally of homophobia. 

The cast of CR put forward such an amazing representation for the LGBT+ community and it really hurts me that you gets stuck on the one thing that isn’t canon. Matt has created a world in which coming out is not necessary because no one assumes your sexuality. A world in which people respect pronouns and orientations (except Tary’s father, who is a villain). A world in which Cad or Caleb don’t need to explicitly say “I’m ace/bi” unless it comes up in conversation. A world in which his friends can be whatever they want to be without pressure or reprecusions. A world in which they get to explore different gender identities and sexual orientations with full freedom. Let’s not interfere with that (unless there’s missrepresentation), and let them play their game. If you really need mlm or wlw canon couples or more outwardly LGBT+ people you have plenty examples among NPCs and other cast members (Allura and kima, Yasha, Beau, Dairon, Keg, Reani, Tary, Molly and Vax among others).

There’s way worst shows taking LGBT+ cred for barely doing nothing. Fucking Supernatural is the most recent example! Critical Role works towards showing an honest portrayal of LGBT+ folk and accepts valid criticism from their fans on the subject (when they changed J’Mon Sa Ord pronouns from it to they/them). They don’t owe you making your ship canon or portraying their characters the way you want them to (again, unless when it’s constructive criticism). Stop being so Fucking entitled and enjoy the show for what it is

,Respectfully~

*Edit: I´m tagging Caleb’s ships into the post because most hate comes from shipping wars. Most Shadowgast fans are respectful of the cast’s decisions, even if it disappoints them. But since I’ve already seen people accusing Liam of biphobia in that tag and since I’ve already seen this shit with Vaxmore I’m tagging the ship. If you want to read my long ass post do it, if not, ignore it. I’m not forcing you to read it. I’ve also tagged it with biphobia so people can avoid it if it’s triggering. I’m sorry if it makes you mad that your ship is not canon, but that’s not an excuse to be toxic to the cast. Those of you getting mad are the ones that need to read this the most. Like I’ve said in the post: you’re allowed to be disappointed, you are allowed to want more, but you can’t force the cast to give you exactly what you want. And most certainly, you can’t accuse them of  some very serious stuff like biphobia and queerbaiting when it’s not the case..  

[grayintogreen]

Rewatching The Travelercon arc and First of all Love Artagan so fucking much, but one subtle thing I love is the relationship between Caleb and Artagan.

They both love Jester in their own ways, but unlike some of the Mighty Nein they don't see her as Naive or treat her likea child. They trust her, and her ability to make decisions for herself, and they don't just perceive her choosing to see good in the world as being ignorant to the bad.

Like they way Caleb was more open and less hostile, while still being wary of Artagan because he trusts Jester and her ability not only to choose "good" people, but also how she can take a not so great person and make them better.

And how both of them make all sorts of beautiful Magic for her.

I don't know I just like two Chaotic Gingers who love a blue Tiefling.

Disclaimer for me (not you anon, you're valid and very polite and share my exact feelings), but I value every relationship Jester has with the M9 and Artagan and some tertiary non-Nein members and think they all offer different things for her and could easily be romantic or platonic, so I just wanna get that out of the way, because not liking how everyone handled the Artagan situation does not mean I don't value Jester's relationships with those characters. This shouldn't need to be said and I don't maintag my asks anyway and I'd like to think my blog is a safe space for complex opinions, but, unfortunately, nuance is dead.

Also I don't wanna say one thing and then get a bunch of people either going BUT YOU WRITE FJORESTER!! OR LET ME DISS THIS ENTIRE SHIP/CHARACTER IN YOUR ASKS. Or HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A WIDOJES??? Because we don't do that here. I am a multishipper and a supporter of all characters. I just have favorites.

OKAY WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY... Boy, TravelerCon was a giant who's who of which party members believe Jester isn't a good read on people (some were projecting way too hard though), and that's all I'm gonna say about that, because even though I damn well knew that Artagan choked a guy to death for fun in Campaign One, I fully trusted his relationship with Jester from the first time he revealed himself. I trusted him more when I knew he was Artagan then I did when I just assumed he was, because, like... For a chaotic being, Artagan is predictable. What could he be using Jester for? He doesn't even like being a god. So I kinda spent that whole arc being OH MY GOD, GET OFF JESTER'S ASS ALREADY? ARTAGAN'S GREAT.

BUT I love how Caleb handled it and I love the very likely WHY he handled it very well. First of all, Caleb has always been a big believer in fairy tales. He cherishes this one story from his childhood where fey are nice and kind and don't steal children from their mothers and showed it to Jester BECAUSE it mirrored her own life (and because he's a victim of the other side of it- Trent isn't fey, but you could rewrite the entire Blumendrei story as a Changeling Tale and barely change a thing). He knows what the VERY thing that everyone else is suspicious of Artagan of looks like and what Artagan is doing is Not That.

Also Caleb recognizes that Jester was a lonely girl who made a fey friend. Isn't that what he did with Frumpkin when he was scared and alone in the world? He sees so many facets of that relationship and that puts him in a unique position to trust Jester AND Artagan.

She loved him when she knew the worst of him, even though he was terrified she wouldn't, and that helped him want to be better, and if she could do that to HIM, who thought he was too far gone, then why couldn't she do it to someone like Artagan?

[arcticwaters]

i’ve said a couple times that i have a beau meta ready and was just waiting to hear marisha’s thought on a certain topic, and now we have! i now feel more confident talking about something that i took issue with: the idea that beau only backed off from jester and gave her blessing to fjord begrudgingly as a sign of her lack of self worth and is only going for yasha because she’s better than nothing.

alright, so under the cut is that post, my thoughts overall on the idea of beau “lying” and “self sabotaging,” how her relationship with jester and yasha has changed, and how yasha just really deserves so much. keep in mind everything here is like A MONTH OLD, i wrote all this around the time ep 110 aired. frankly i don’t even know how relevant most of this even is anymore cuz i don’t pay attention to discourse BUT people are claiming once again that beau is only “settling” for yasha so, here we go. (i added in more recent thoughts regarding marisha’s answer on talks at the very end.)

the idea that beau was just downplaying her feelings for jester to fjord like “haha no prob bro! totally over that pffft you’re in the clear” makes me super uncomfortable?? i get it would be in character for beau. i get that she thinks she’s second best and jester is looking at fjord, not her, so she would push her best friends together because she loves them and she’s not Worthy. that would be a very beau move. but doing so would also be saying that she herself only sees yasha as second best to jester. that she is now only pursuing yasha because “welp, my first choice is off the table :/”

and i find that to be SO disrespectful to yasha, who cares about beau so deeply and has had feelings for her long before beau had feelings for jester. who has been through SO MUCH and deserves to have someone love her solely for her, and not just because she was there, a back up because oh-so precious jester wasn’t available. yasha, who did the thing beau wants more than anything: picked her first. like do ya’ll honestly think beau “constantly upset that she’s never anyone’s first choice” regard would turn around and treat yasha, who she knows has been through hell, exactly like that? (never mind that yasha was beau’s first choice, but okay.) because ultimately that is what that take is saying, there’s really no other way around it. no matter how much she might be spiraling, beau wouldn’t do that to her friend who’s already been through so much heartbreak. yasha deserves better than that and she is better than that.

and to be clear i’m talking specifically about the idea that beau was just choking back her still-strong feelings for jester because she realized she wasn’t good enough and she Hoped Too Much But Wasn’t Enough. so she just pushed them deep down, lied that they were gone, and secretly-tearfully stepped aside for fjord and that basically that whole ep108 talk was another example of beau self sabotaging herself ala the hag. (even claiming that because of this she is headed towards another downward spiral??) the idea that she must’ve been lying.

is it really so hard to think that maybe beau just got over jester? that she told fjord about it, not to deflect, but because she just wanted to be honest? that she can still care for jester and her wellbeing, but just no longer in a wholly romantic way? (you can know your best friend inside and out just as easily as someone you’re interested in after all.) that maybe she realized her jester crush was just not that deep? it was, in her own words after all, just a crush. she wasn’t in love.

let’s not forget that beau’s second playlist, which specifically had a song for yasha that confirmed it was a crush all along and not just a physical thing, and nothing really romantic at all for jester, was released before they did ep108. if beau really did still feel strongly for jester, strong enough that she only said she was over her because of self sabotage,,, wouldn’t there have been a song? marisha’s not dumb; that would’ve been THE time to bring up if beau’s feelings had turned from just a little crush to something stronger, just like travis and ashley did. but she didn’t. there wasn’t even a song about not being good enough for jester and needing to step side, no song about how much it hurts to secretly be in love with your friend. jester just got a platonic song. yasha got something romantic. i bring up that it came out before 108 because it shows that this is something that’s been building up. that she didn’t hear fjord’s confession and made an on the spot decision to be like “uh, my crush is gone dude go for it!”

is it possible she was just downplaying? sure. i’m not marisha, i don’t fucking know. maybe she watched jester kiss fjord’s cheek while he was revived and realized she couldn’t compete (tho even that doesn’t really line up because beau says to him in 108 that she doesn’t know if jester still likes him, she’s only guessing.) sure, we know beau lies, but at the same time, that doesn’t mean every single thing that comes out her mouth is a lie. beau spends most of the rumplecusp arc being the most open she’s been in a long time. she spent that whole evening having moments of realness with everyone, why suddenly lie now? like what, she had a deep talk with caleb, veth, and yasha and thought “you know what? time to lie to fjord about my feelings for jester that he doesn’t even know about.” fjord just bared his soul and feelings to her; it’s just as likely that she decided now is the time to be honest with him as well, to be honest with herself, because we know this is something she’s been thinking hard about for quite a while. the cast had three whole months between 99 and 100 to stew in the minds of their characters and figure out their wants and needs, but a lot of this also started before this.

stay with me here, this is gonna be a bit long. as i’ve mentioned before, i’ve been rewatching from 92 onward, focusing mostly on beau as i go and the obvious turmoil that meeting her father again left her in. and one thing i did notice is that in 96 - the episode where she’s at her most rough - she really is all over jester, that can’t be denied. she’s like, trying really hard to get her attention. but then in 97, which is only a day later, that’s gone. then the amount of attention beau gives to jester lessens over the following arc as she gives more of it to yasha. here’s the thing about 96: it’s the peak of her spiral. she hadn’t been ok since meeting her family again, and i think all of it came to a head when she met caduceus’s and saw a loving and supportive family, a sweet gentle father. i think it (along with nearly dying earlier) just set her off and she reached the peak of her regression and decided to act out and be shitty for the sake of it, and she latched on to jester because jester lives for that kind of thing. jester is the one who will say “make confused people’s lives even more confusing for the sake of a laugh? no judgement here let’s go!” it was likely easier to be like “haha yeah we’re having so much fun together heehe you’re so attractive when you validate my bad behavior ;3″ than it was to confront the shitty horrible mindset that she was in at the time and ask for help.

and then,, she’s kind of over it? when you reach a peak, the next step is coming down from it. she got out of that temple, she watched cad say goodbye to his family, she got some sleep. she calmed a bit, turned her issues inward, instead of taking it out through unnecessary mischief. and in a moment of just having some silly fun, flirted with yasha, and yasha threw that same energy back at her. yasha, not even missing a beat and cracking dumb jokes with her, calling her beautiful? that must’ve made her feel really good. then later, while she was having some alone time, she watched yasha be alone too. this woman who, just like her, carries a lot on her shoulders and feels broken and lost; who just like her, once dealt with her inner demons through self destruction, choosing to deal with her hurt through quiet music. by being gentle and soft instead of hard and loud. not that expressing your hurt through being loud is always wrong, but that it’s likely such a different thing for beau. something she’s not used to. something she might have decided she wanted to give a try.

i think this marked a turning point for her relationship with yasha. old feelings she forced herself to not think about resurfacing, a subtle reconnection to a kindred spirit, and i think it was the kick in the ass she needed to start feeling better after kamordah. (oh also?? fjord fucking dying. there’re a lot of reasons she started moving on, but i’m focusing on the shippy.) she started reaching out to yasha more from then on and into the rumblecusp arc. there’s gentle talks on the boat, there’s more beautiful harp, there’s healing hands, there’s carrying, there’s flying with owls, there’s checking in with each other after fights, there’s looks. she seemed to be realizing that she didn’t need to cling to jester, because she didn’t need to act out and fuck with people to deal with her issues. because there was yasha, growing angel wings just to catch her. she felt, in her own jumbled words, “better than she has in a long time.” she’s doing so much better than she did a month ago, and yasha made her feel that way. i don’t think we’ll ever really know what marisha meant by “so many things, but not now” but in the context of everything, it sounds like someone who is now doing a lot of thinking.

beau had a moment, within just two days of each other, where she took a solo flight with both jester and yasha that resulted in the flying poofing out midair and they plummeted and had to scramble to land without injury. only one of them left her visibly and audibly stunned, amazed, breathless, and flustered beyond belief.

i bring all of this up, i lay this all out, because if you really think about and look at how beau’s relationship with both jester and yasha evolved over the course the late 90′s and early 100′s, what’s more likely? that beau really was spending all that time still desperately pining over jester, reluctantly stepping down for the sake of fjord’s feelings? or that she simply realized just how strong her feelings for yasha had become, and always were, and they eclipsed her feelings for jester? realized that just maybe, her feelings for jester only happened because it was less scary than falling for a widow, but that she wasn’t scared anymore? (for the record, i don’t think marisha literally meant “physical body lust” when she said that. colloquially lust doesn’t always mean “just wanted sex.” i think she meant like... something that burns hot and eager but is otherwise not the same as a commitment. jester, in this particular situation, is that puppy in the window that you fall for because it’s just so cute and happy and bright and there and you want it, but you have to stop and think “do i actually want this dog or am i just charmed by the big puppy dog eyes because i just lost my other dog?” that’s how i think she meant it.) because i genuinely don’t know how people could see beau stare at yasha with a look of absolute awe while telling her “you’re incredible” and think, two episodes later, “poor thing only stepped away from jester because she felt inferior :/”

a lot of these takes i saw were written just after 108 and thus before 109 - 110, but there’s been no indication that she’s secretly jealous of fjord, or still looking at jester like that. her eyes have been firmly on yasha and she looks very happy for fjord and jester when anything happens between them, when previously, marisha wasn’t shy about pouting a little whenever jester looked at someone else, just like liam does.

beau is not falling headlong into a horrible crash that will fuck up her relationship with jester and yasha. she’s doing better than she has in a long ass time, she’s healing. she’s finding her way to the arms of someone who she not only picked first, but who picked her first too.

present day october arctic jumping in to say now: we now know that yes in some ways, beau was thinking about fjord’s feelings, but it came from a place of love. that she stepped back not because she was thinking “oh woe is me, i’ll never be good enough for jester i shouldn’t even try :(” but rather “hey you know what? i love both of these people dearly and if they would be happy together, i’d be happy for them.” (and that trying to be with jester wasn’t even as important to her as just being there for jester.) and that her picking yasha is not a sign that she is slipping more into a dark place, but the opposite: she’s come very far in her own sense of self worth and she’s allowing herself to want something, and that’s yasha, the person she’s had feelings for since like, day one.

marisha didn’t go in too deep with the question she got or give the ins and outs of beau’s feelings for jester and yasha like i’d hoped (man they love to be coy huh?) but we know this: beau did have real, legit feelings for both of them at the same time. and, yes, beau did step away from jester because she realized that jester and fjord had something going on. but she did it because, at the end of the day, she just wants jester to be happy. i didn’t get the impression from marisha that she meant this in a somber “beau thinks jester would be happier without her :c” way, but that her platonic feelings for jester were just as strong as her romantic ones, if not more so, and stepping back was something easy for her. (this wasn’t specifically said, but because marisha brought up how jester was beau’s first real female friend, i think you could argue that there may have even been some underlying “how much of this is romantic and how much is platonic? i’ve never done this before.” just a little bit.)

there was no lie. there was no moment of “oh no i’m not good enough.” she simply let go, and she did so willingly and gracefully. her feelings were real, but they really were just a crush, one that she had no problem at all just getting over, no all encumbering [romantic] love that people seemed to think. and i honestly find this to be extremely mature of her, to realize that a silly little crush was not more important than simply being there for her best friend. to say “her happiness doesn’t have to involve a romance with me and that’s ok.” this fictional character handled a crush on a friend better than i have in the past. there was no need for some grand conflict shaking them up; she just made the choice to get over feelings that, again, she had no plans to even act on.

and maybe there’s a tiny tiny flavor of “well, i wanna be with someone and yasha’s right there, so, i guess i’ll pick her” in marisha’s answer, but i really don’t think that’s the case, or at least not the only reason beau is now going after her. especially since, much of what she said was kind of just a summary of beau’s playlist, which came out all the way back around ep103-ish. the idea that beau is slowly coming out the haze of self loathing and realizing she wants a real lover isn’t new information. i think this was just the first time that marisha had a chance to vocalize that, and it just accidentally came out like “well, yasha’s there so” because she was juggling a couple topics at once, while at the same time seemingly wanting to limit how much she said. (i feel like both she and ashley are playing it a little bit coy because they want it all to be in character, not out.) from the hints laid out throughout the campaign and beau’s own words, it’s always been yasha, the feelings were always there, beau just wasn’t at a place where she was ready to admit that she wanted a real relationship. and both of them just had things they needed to work on.

i definitely find it telling that marisha made a point to talk about how beau wants to really be with someone after talking about how she let jester go. to me this is kind of confirmation that beau, for as much as she cared about jester, really sees yasha as someone she could truly be with. after all, if jester really was The One, wouldn’t she have fought a little more for her? wouldn’t jester be the one making beau feel things that she’s “been avoiding?” (and i think it goes without saying that this “avoiding” is the idea of being in real love.) compared to yasha, who beau tried hard to get over, but was always drawn back to, who she has always felt a kinship with. beau already took yasha off the table once, but months later still found her way back to. trying to let go of yasha was not nearly as easy for beau as letting go of jester.

beau was lonely, didn’t think she deserved love, and it’s yasha who’s making her realize how much she doesn’t like being alone. yasha is the one helping beau come out that fog of self loathing, who’s making her think maybe this is something she can really let herself have. there is no self sabotaging to be found here, just mutual healing.

wow this is so long ALL OF THIS IS JUST A LONG WINDED WAY TO SAY no beau picking yasha is not her “settling” or a sign that she is secretly trying to let go of her soulfully desperately pining for jester, because beau will never think she’s good enough. she just likes yasha and is in fact doing so much better than she has in a really long time because of yasha. because yasha is incredible.

[himooonlight]

who are you? pt. 5 (reggie x reader)

pairing: reggie x reader

word count: 3.3k

plot: you dream about reggie constantly and when you see him perfoming with julie, you decide to ask her about him

warnings: death. lot of angst.

A/N: happy new year, everybody! I watched the show for the 5th time and I noticed some dahlias at Emily’s house so…… yeah, my imagination was running wild for this. Hopefully I gave you guys some answers with this chapter. Hopefully; who knows?

here's chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3 and chapter 4.

1922

  The stage was huge and the curtains were embroidered with CC's. Caleb Covington. The magician everyone was talking about. He wasn't just the talk of the town, no; he was all over the newspaper in different states. 

  In the theater the decorations were either black or gold and the tall man standing in the center was wearing a velvet suit and sparkly shoes. His whole persona and aura were screaming for attention and validation, insinuating how narcissistic and egocentric he was. Because of that, no one could look directly at him without feeling uncomfortable and scared - that's why working for him was like hell on earth; not only because he would make insane demands like finding an enormous glass box in the middle of the night, but also because he wasn't very nice.

  His four personal assistants were holding heavy chains, not very sure if that was a good idea. Everybody was tired, irritated and a little terrified, even though they would never say that out loud.

  That their boss was mad. And he for sure was.

  - This is bigger than us, I can feel it. People will talk about me for centuries!

  Nobody dared to say a thing. They just kept doing what they were supposed to, wondering if this trick wouldn't be too much, questioning where the firefighters were. Even in rehearsals, everything had to be as safe as possible. Caleb, however, was eager to try out this escape idea, saying that the rest of the time was already on their way and that they could go ahead and start.

  One of the assistants was pouring alcohol inside the box, while the other three were getting the chains tight around the magician's body. When five locks were put in place, the only thing missing was the blindfold and the fire. 

  - And now, let's burn. - Covington said. Against his better judgment, the assistent lit up the platform around the box, watching the dancing flames reflect on the glass. Going back to the audience, the four assistants sat there in silence, scared for their own life.

  Caleb didn't wait. He got inside the box with the blindfold and no way to break the chains or open the locks. The box could only open from outside and nobody could get near it because of the fire. And the alcohol inside sure was a deadly combination too, of course. But Caleb Covington was always right, always sure about his odds.

  Until he wasn't.

  When the rest of the crew got to the theatre, Caleb was already inside the box, struggling to get out. He still had one minute to go and the firefighters were ready to help him out.

  Covington didn't think it through; the alcohol wasn't cold and it was more flammable than he thought, so when the glass box exploded, not even the firefighters could save his life. He didn't make it to the hospital and the police couldn't really blame anyone, especially not the assistants for doing their jobs.

  Caleb Covington died a horrible death, performing one of his magic tricks.

  And while he was burning, he blamed others for not getting it right. He was too perfect to be mistaken, so he died thinking he would find a way to be bigger, better and eternal.

  Caleb Covington died wanting revenge, eternity and power.

  Still, he died.

  1974

  The year of 1974 was a roller coaster for Lily Peters. Her baby boy was born and the world was somehow brighter because of him. Somehow darker too.

  His cute little nose brought joy to her heart and his tiny hand would hold her finger like if he were to ever let go, everything would fall apart.

  The roller coaster started going down when he, in fact, did.

  - Listen to me, Lily. - The man said. His tone was low and his eyes were pleading for understanding and compassion. He wanted a family, of course, but everything was so complicated. He just couldn't turn around without trying one more time. - We can move to a different city if you want. We deserve a happy life, don't you think? Together.

  Lily was young. Reckless wasn't really a word to describe her; instead she was smart, passionate, dedicated and bright. Incredibly bright. So when she got home eight months prior with red eyes and shaking hands, her parents didn't comprehend the syllables she was mumbling. Sounded like the world was ending or someone died.

  When "I am pregnant" left her lips, they were surprised. Both of them couldn't think of a single thing to say. Out of shock, they held her, petting her long hair and crying silently with their daughter. The tears weren't a result of a heavy heart or disappointment; the tears were based on joy, love and gratitude. 

  For both of them, at least. To her, not so much.

  The baby boy's dad was an amazing man. He was a journalist known for being honest yet gentle. His articles and photos were always delicate and strong. He was always smiling, always being nice to strangers, always believing in something, in someone. He was also a dreamer; a very realistic one, for that matter. He would dream with his head up in the sky and feet on the ground.

  It was hard for him wrapping his head around what Lily was saying. Maybe it was because he was older than her, but he just couldn't see things from her point of view.

  - I've made up my mind. - Lily said. She kept going down and down, afraid she wasn't going to see the light again. Her decision was a blind intent to make the roller coaster to up again. - I can't keep him.

  Her parents were strongly against the idea of giving the baby away. None of Lily's friends knew about the pregnancy, so there was nobody else to beg her to see things clearly. She could stay in college and still be a mom; she could have a beautiful life with her beautiful son and be happy. There was no reason to fear what other people would say; her son's presence could cure her heavy heart of any nasty remark or malicious look.

  Lily was young and she made a bad choice; one that she would regret forever. But no one could blame her for not knowing better until she knew better.

  - Well, I can. - The man replied. He was crying, holding his son carefully and wondering how could anyone give up on him. - I am going to keep him and be a great father to our son. He's going to be an amazing person and I'm sorry that you won't be there to see it.

  It wasn't an easy decision. 1974 was the year of California Jam, when people could be audacious and careless in a crowd, but scared and small inside of their own houses. Lily was feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of parenthood, of her own being and all the life she would have to forget. She wasn't ready, but her son couldn't wait.

  - Lily, darling, are you sure? - Her parents were merely observers. They wanted their grandson around, they wanted to see him growing up, going to school and smiling. They wanted everything they could get, but it was Lily's choice and being a parent didn't give them the right to make choices for their daughter. - Is this the right decision?

  The words couldn't come out, so she just nodded. The sad journalist nodded too, understanding that he was now on his own. Well, at least he wasn't alone and his soul was satisfied with his decision: he could never say that he abandoned his own child. That's something he would never forgive himself for.

  The baby didn't wake up with the comotion and Lily thanked the heavens for it. If she saw his pretty green eyes she would've turned around and begged them to stay.

  Ray instinctively smiled at his mom for the first and last time, still in his sleep. Lily cried when both of them left the house, wondering if she was right.

  - We're going to be fine, Ray Molina. - The man whispered to his son, kissing his forehead. - You are the love of my life.

  1993

  - Hi. Do you have a name or can I call you mine? - Reggie's friends started laughing, embarrassed by his lack of filter. They didn't understand that their friend's words were natural, almost like an instint. Reggie didn't feel that intense connection with anyone there at the book club; let alone with someone he never met before. - Maybe I went too far with that one. I think I have the right to remain silent.

  There he was again, using humor to hide things.

  Reginald Peters was a scaredy cat with a very believable mask: funny remarks and the I-am-stupid façade. His personality was joyful and light, used to hide all the years his mom mistreated him and his dad ignored his existence. Reggie knew he was born to save their marriage, but it was doomed a long time ago, with no saving at all. The boy grew up with no sense of hope for romantic love and no understanding of self preservation.

  And none of that was his fault; his longing for parental support or the lack of ambition in his educational life. Reggie had no one to appreciate him, to build him up, to be there for him unconditionally. That is until Luke and Alex showed up.

  And then Ethan.

  - Reggie, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. - Alex said, making Luke laugh even louder.

  People started asking them to keep it quiet, to what both of them complied easily - they loved the snacks there. The boys went back inside to grab something to eat while Reggie and Ethan stood there in the backyard, looking at each other, trying to understand their feelings.

  It wasn't something measurable or understandable. No one could explain the feeling of coming back home that they felt when their eyes met.

  They were both speechless.

  Reggie and Ethan were admiring each other's details. The bridge of their nose, their eyebrows, the way their hair would flow with the wind, their freckles; everything that met the eye. Still, they couldn't pinpoint what it was.

  - Hey. - Ethan replied, holding out his hand. Reggie looked into Ethan's eyes, then his lips and only then took his hand in his. Time seemed to stop around them. - I guess you do have a name, Reggie, but can I call you mine?

  Ethan liked metaphors, so if he were asked to describe that moment, he would've said that it felt like lying down in his bed after a long summer away from home. It was comfortable, safe, heartwarming, relaxing. Great. And Reggie would've nodded his head, agreeing with the comparison.

  Coming back to each other after lifetimes away was refreshing. Living away from each other was cruel and all the hardships were long forgotten with a simple touch.

  Hand in hand, Ethan smiled at Reggie, wondering how long it's been.

  It was just one lifetime, but it felt like forever.

  1994

  - This. You and I. - Ethan said, turning to face Reggie, who looked perplexed. Ethan falted, thinking he read the whole picture wrong. - My parents would kill me.

  Reginald opened his mouth a few times, as if trying to justify himself.

  - Ethan, what are you talking about? - Reggie asked with a scoff. The façade was up again, blending in with the boy's features just well. - We're only friends. I like girls. I flirt a lot, sure, but it's all a joke.

  A joke.

  The worst part about the "we're only friends" card is the "only" part. It was like their friendship was insignificant or insufficient; seemed like the "just friends" made each other smaller. They had the potential to be more, to take up more space in each other's life, to hold a more special value in his heart, but "just friends" limited Ethan from achieving what he really wanted.

  "Just friends" sounded like "I'm by your side, but I'm not relevant enough'’ to Ethan.

  - I'm sorry. I have to go. - A heartbroken Ethan said.

  Ethan shouldn't be sorry - that was the first thing Reggie thought after he left. Ethan should be there, with him, holding his hand and maybe hearing a new song they were working on. Yet Reginald couldn't move, almost like his feet were glued to the ground. Above the loud music, he could hear the clock on the wall, ticking mercilessly telling him he missed his chance to let his stars, his path collide with Ethan's. Above the loud music, he felt stuck in time, not getting older, further away from paradise.

  "Now or never" quickly turned into "maybe next life" to him.

  1995

  Death was about the living.

  Death was about who stayed on Earth, wondering about the words they didn't speak and about the food they didn't taste in the company of the deceased. Death was a silence that people shared because they were told so and because they had no special powers to change it.

  Death was a cry of mourning from the living, a closed coffin, the ashes thrown from a beautiful hill that the deceased could never see or that they loved very much; a dream or a memory. Death was a watch that forgot to keep running, a battery that no longer fed anything, a pause.

  Death was about who wasn't dead.

  Death was about many people who would feel affected by absence. Family, friends, strangers who would question their own existence because of someone's obituary.

  Death was, indeed, about the living.

  In that case, about Rose, Bobby and the boys' families.

  About how Luke's parents almost didn't attend the funeral. Their broken heart was physically hurting them and leaving the house was hard. They kept waiting for their son's return, choosing to ignore the fact that was dead. Emily and Mitch Patterson stayed by the door, imagining their son's figure coming back home. That never happened.

  About how Lisa and Jarred Mercer, Alex's mom and dad, didn't cry. They stared at their son's picture in silence. People came and went, saying they would pray for comfort, but it was just empty. Everything was empty; the words, their bodies, their soul. Losing a son shouldn't happen. It was in the unsaid manual of life: parents should go first. Burying a child was an ache no body should ever feel. The literal body really, considering how physical the pain could be. Alex's parents, for instance, couldn't eat for days. They couldn't sleep or smile. Breathing was painful, remembering was even worse.

  About how Reginald's father was drunk while the priest prayed. He stayed away from everybody, just tripping on his own feet and murmuring "I'm sorry". He wasn't talking about Reggie - he was thinking about Lily, his wife, and how she didn't care about their son. He was apologizing for losing all their money, for gambling, for not being a good husband. He cried too, but his father's angry voice screaming "don't cry, you're a man" echoed in his mind soon enough. He left before anybody could see him.

  About how Rose visited Emily and Mitch many times, always taking Dahlias, her favorite flower, to them. She would just make sure they ate, talk a little bit about life and play chess with Mitch. She won a few times. Alex's parents were too stubborn to accept her consolation in the form of company, but she didn't give up. After a few cookies and a few letters making sure they were alright, she got invited for dinner. She took Bobby with her and they talked about Alex like they had known each other for the longest time. His parents had many regrets and it pained Rose to see it, so she reassured them, from a daughter's perspective, that Alex loved them with all his heart. When she went to college, they lost contact, but the great memories lingered and that helped both families. That's how Rose found her love for social work and the house she wanted to live in the future: someday she wanted to buy Alex's house.

  Death was about how Bobby tried helping Reggie's parents. He looked for them everywhere, but they moved out of town. Bobby even went to Lily's work - nobody knew about her. All his strength was dedicated to honor his friends and their music, so when he didn't find Reginald's parents, he decided to be famous and let them come to him. He worked day and night, finishing the songs, working multiple shifts to get money for a demo and doing his best to be more social. He needed connections, luck and money to make his plan of honoring his friends work. All he had was determination and he hoped that could be a start.

   Death was about all that and many lives affected by the loss of Reggie Peters, Alex Mercer and Luke Patterson.

  2002

  The baby cried with such intensity and still his parents were never more delighted by any sound they've ever heard.

  - Welcome to the world, Richie.

  2018

  The clouds were matching Lucas' humor: grumpy, dark and bothered.

  He wanted to go back to the cafe, to explain his situation to Jarred and Lisa, but his guitar was stolen and his face was still bruised from his last fight. He couldn't just show up and act like everything was alright like he would usually do.

  Living in the streets was easier than staying in the system. The houses he had been to, the families that treated him like a piece of salvation just like the catholic church and indulgences… he was done with that. At least he was trying to make sure he could live freely; as free as a homeless teenager could be.

  He was in a park somewhere when the rain started pouring. At first it was shy. In a matter of seconds, the sky was falling down and Lucas was laughing at his luck. No guitar, no family, no food, no place to go. Lonely, cold and irritated, he started singing as loud as he could. No one was nearby and the world was his.

  There was so much anger in his throat that it pained the boy a little. He was mad, sad and even confused to why he couldn't just fit in. Find a family, have a house, go to school and have friends. The closest thing he had was Richie - the cheerful boy made him feel at ease for the first time in years. They connected instantly, playing together at Alex's Foundation for musicians/people that liked music.

  He wouldn't call everybody there musicians; some people were terrible singers.

  Lucas missed Richie so much. Even though the boy didn't know about his housing situation, he'd always be selfless and give him food. There was one time Richie even gave Lucas his jacket, because, according to Richie, Lucas looked cold. The boy was the brother Lucas wanted, the person worth smiling at, the best friend.

  After a while, the sky stopped crying and Lucas went to his usual spot, close to a 24 hour diner. Sometimes the waiter would be nice enough to give him bread or fries. He never expected anything though; he would just sit and wait. Wait for life, for salvation, for hope, for someone.

  That night Lucas found Richie, Rose and death.

  After the rain, life would never be the same.

[sociallyawkwardfoxwriter]

(I know you've gotten a lot of prompts with this, but I just love the idea of Caleb being the fullblown gay disaster.) So you know those stories about two witches getting the same custody deal from the same person, and having to share the kid? That but with Fjord and Caleb as the witches. Fjord is fine with it, Caleb is just in full panic because now he's coparenting with someone really pretty and it wasn't in the contract. (But isn't complaining about it.)

I feel like 110 provided some validity to Mr. Caleb “Are his forearms still as amazing as they always were?” Widogast being a disaster bi. Also, I had never heard of this being a thing before I received this, but I am very happy to learn of it! I had an absolute field day with it.

Hope you enjoy!

The first time they met Caleb nearly had a full blown panic attack as the woman explained why there were two magical beings coming to claim her first born child. While she was too concerned about them killing her retaliation to read the room, Caleb tried not to blatantly stare at the gorgeous man sitting next to him. A tall half-orc with broad shoulders wearing armor with flora etched into it, a long cape and braces. If he didn't look so calm about the entire situation, there would have been concern the man came prepared for a fight. Instead, most of Caleb's energy went to keeping his eyes off his exposed biceps or stealing looks at his gorgeous eyes.

In the end, the decision to share custody over the child rather than haggle new deals with the woman led to Caleb seeing much more of the other. The first few years most of their exchanges came when they were switching off who had Kiri with most of their conversation centering around her. It wasn't until Kiri began talking that Caleb learned more than where Fjord lived and that he was a warlock of the Wildmother. Her first night back always consisted of him making dinner while she rambled about what her and Fjord got up to. Gardening with Caduceus, baking pastries with Jester, learning to sneak and pick locks with Veth and her son. There were always wild and adventurous tales that sounded much more interesting than anything she did with him.

If Fjord wasn't such a kind person, Caleb might have been jealous over how much more interesting her time spent with him sounded. He had no doubt in his mind that as she grew older Kiri would want to spend most of her time with Fjord. Although he loved her greatly, he knew he still came off as awkward and distant whenever she spent time with him. Honestly, he considered it a win that she didn't cling to Fjord and refuse to go with him for a few weeks.

When she finally reached the age that her schooling needed to be considered, Caleb feared the impending conversation with Fjord. Needless to say, he was more than a little surprised when they all sat down at his kitchen table and Kiri immediately insisted on training to be a witch. His shock must have shown plainly on his face because Fjord sent him an amused smile before assuring Kiri that he supported her decision. By the time her decision finally settled in, they were both watching him and waiting for him to respond. To avoid bursting into tears, he pulled Kiri into a tight hug and buried his face into the top of her head as he choked out how proud he would be to train her.

After that, things took a turn that he hadn't at all been expecting. With the rigors of training making swapping houses for weeks at a time difficult, Fjord made the decision to uproot his life in Nicodranas and move to Rexxentrum. Walking out of his house to see him, a tiefling and a firbolg moving in across the street nearly caused him to have a heart attack. Fjord had simply waved at him, then dropped his box to catch Kiri before she slammed into his shins. Dinner that night ended up being an entertaining affair that grew in numbers when Beau, Yasha, Astrid and Eodwulf found out about the new neighbors. Despite barely fitting around the table, the evening ended up being a wild success that became a monthly tradition.

With the close proximity and Kiri connecting them, Caleb found himself spending so much time with Fjord that his underlying attraction to him turned into something much deeper. Family dinners turned into late night conversations after Kiri went to bed over wine and whatever dessert Caduceus or Jester made that week. Normal errands turned into a family event that led them to ice cream in the park or a movie. The more time spent together the closer they grew and the more Caleb found himself desperately wishing for their relationship to evolve into something more romantic in nature.

They were lounging in the garden on a cool summer's night with the string lights hanging in the tree casting the perfect glow on Fjord's face to make Caleb's heart beat wildly in his chest. Most of the conversation had died down, but Fjord made no move to part ways for the evening. If anything, he looked content to remain reclined back in the lounge chair sipping wine and enjoying the breeze. That was until his eyes suddenly snapped to Caleb to catch him watching him much too closely to be anything short of staring.

Before he could quickly look away, Fjord moved to join Caleb on his lounge chair with his body turned to face Caleb. "Enjoying your evening?"

"Ja, are you?"

"Of course." His fingers gently brushed a stray strand of Caleb's hair behind his ear, then brought their face so close it was hard to focus. "I always enjoy the evenings we spend together. They are the highlight of my week."

"I feel the same."

"That's good."

"It is?"

"Yes, I feel a bit more confident about this." A surprised exhale fell out of his lips as Fjord's large hand gently cradled his jaw. "Can I kiss you?"

When his voice refused to work for him, Caleb nodded his head as best he could without dislodging Fjord's hand instead. The first tentative brush of lips sent a shiver down Caleb's spine that caused Fjord's lips to twist into a smile. His hand drifted to the back of Caleb's neck to gently grip the back of it as he pressed forward for a much firmer one. Caleb tipped his head to the side for a better angle as he gripped Fjord's bicep so he had something to keep him grounded. As soon as this one broke, Fjord's lips trailed along his jaw to his neck where his tusks dragged along the delicate skin. He was in the middle of hooking his leg around Fjord's to drag him closer when the sound of the back door opening caused him to freeze.

"Dad? Papa?" Kiri's sleepy voice sounded from just around the corner of the garden giving them just enough time for Fjord nearly reach the archway and Caleb time to hide the bruising most likely beginning to blossom on the junction of his throat and neck.

"Hey, Ki. What do you need?"

"Can't sleep. Can I have another story?"

"Too many thoughts going on up there like your papa?"

"Yeah."

"Thank another story will help, Cay?"

With Fjord crouched in front of Kiri, it was easy to casually rest his hand on Fjord's upper back as he looked down at him. "I think I have a few things that could help, including a story."

"That sounds like a plan. Up we go, little one."

Kiri wrapped her wings around Fjord's neck and tucked her face into his neck as soon as he picked her up. She gave a contented chirp when Fjord began running a comforting hand up and down her back. Fjord hooked his free arm around Caleb's waist, then guided them back along the garden path to the house. As Caleb held the door open for them, Fjord gave him a soft smile and a wink that promised they would pick things back up once Kiri went back to bed.

[yfere]

Ep 96 and Caduceus Clay’s Destiny

....In which I decide the Format of my contributions are now almost exclusively of the word-vomit variety...

Of course it’s always of interest to me, Caduceus’ ongoing relationship with his faith and destiny, from feeling like he made a mistake thinking it was destiny that led him to the M9 while soaked on the Mistake, to his dissatisfaction with the Wildmother’s answer to him in the Barbed Fields. Caduceus is one to talk about Destiny, who has at least in the past believed that all that happens is for some greater purpose. Take Yasha and Fjord, and the Kiln. He was completely mistaken in his belief that journeying to the Kiln would aid in the defeat of the Laughing Hand and the rescue of Yasha, but it was there that Fjord made the decision that would bring him on the path to the Wildmother, and where Caduceus could forge the Star Raiser for him. But that wasn’t something that had to happen--primarily what the Kiln accomplished was advancing the task of obtaining residuum “seeds” the Wildmother wanted planted--the one and only clear task Caduceus had from the beginning. The things Caduceus wants to be connected, or needs to be connected isn’t always connected, except in those cases when he makes it so. 

And so I thought it was illuminating, when he approaches his older sister and his father, and says essentially that he thinks it was wrong of him to stay at home. Because the reason he was at home, from what I could tell, wasn’t exactly or purely desire so much as a feeling of responsibility, that he thought it was his “destiny” to keep the hearth while it was Calliope’s destiny, in particular, to be the “hero” who adventured and saved them all. (There’s a lot of really old fashioned, almost Biblical first and secondborn dynamics here, isn’t there? The younger and weaker displacing the elder, hmmm. No wonder Colton has issues) 

First, he approaches Calliope, seeming to seek some kind of support and commiseration  in his new taste for the outside world. He asks Calliope if she means to return home, and she pointedly says “someone has to” and if Caduceus isn’t going to do it, the task falls to her. It’s here that he falters, and promises that his staying away is only temporary. He still doesn’t feel he can be the one to burden Calliope with the staying-home, can’t infringe on her big destiny in that way. 

Yet, he doesn’t seem to feel it’s actually his destiny to have to be the homebody either--and maybe it never was. “I was wrong,” he says to Cornelius, who seems to miss the fact that Caduceus is talking about his own assumptions about his place in this family, and instead pulls some Caduceus-worthy “everything happens for a reason” spiel, all “Well if you weren’t at home, then you would not have met your friends and come to save us in the exact way you did.” and “that’s where you were supposed to be” (Not that Caduceus might have saved them a different way, or earlier, or saved himself at least the misery of waiting and waiting for any excuse to leave--a move that must have felt like betrayal of where he was “supposed” to be as he did it). Cornelius seems to be under the impression that Caduceus was at home entirely because he just liked being there more than his wonderlusty siblings, and unaware that in validating the value of his role he is unintentionally placing a kind of guilt on Caduceus for bucking expectations--there’s a reason Caduceus feels he has to apologize for staying away, when no one else has to apologize for doing the same. Even if Cornelius tries to soothe that guilt talking of the inevitability of flying the coop--this is an idea Caduceus has built up of himself his whole life. And then Cornelius pulls out the “when you come home,” business, taking Caduceus’ presence in the home as a given, and again temporizing (unintentionally, I think) Caduceus’ current wanderings. 

And--why is Caduceus still with the party? It’s the same question Nott is grappling with. The family is saved, the quest seemingly done, and his “job” as he sees it is to be with them and take care of them. Caduceus justifies himself to his family by saying he “owes a debt” to the M9, couching his being away in the same language of responsibility and debt that characterizes his responsibilities at home. And no doubt he does feel that way, to an extent. And to the M9... well. There’s a moment when Caleb says, fishingly, that he’s glad the Wildmother granted them his presence for a while longer. And Caduceus says he thinks that the Wildmother’s plan is for him to stay. And--it’s not, the Wildmother hasn’t weighed in on any of this. She would likely offer benign support to whatever Caduceus wanted to do, is likely pleased at the completion of her task, not that anyone’s looked to her opinion yet. But could Caduceus ever admit to his family, the party, himself--that there are some things he might just want, and that wanting is enough?

[nochiquinn]

campaign 2 episode 108: permadicked

I have a new keyboard, nobody's allowed to make fun of any typos in this

oh NO that art by naomi lord is so CUTE

I just got here why is sam cosplaying as hootie from hootie and the blowfish

replacing troy baker is MATT'S job, sam, stop that

TALKS

"does brian remember how to talk?" "no, it's been weird at home"

"aimless slashing"

oh no I want it

laura bailey: she's done puzzles

caduceus: oh thank god, validation

mala: is...is that IC Marisha? me: write what you know

sam what the FUCK

moon mommy

I mean not THAT long

"could be interesting" is caduceus for "do it for the gram"

well that fanfic just happened

one ringy-dingy

that's a fucking copout answer

and she knows it, look at laura's face

exandria spontaneously develops a third moon

in a scripted show that would be MASSIVE foreshadowing for something terrible happening to all those people

caleb r u ok

when was the last time he got for-actual drunk? was the the drinking contest? in - was it fucking hupperdook?

beau got conned into having a job

why is everybody in this episode making me so NERVOUS

caleb

caleb whatcha doin

has this just been stewing on caleb's mind the whole time? like he wasn't gonna not help jester but was he always planning to just...turn around and raise hell?

I mean I support hellraising but do you have a PLAN mr widogast

reverse-heal

everybody talking about their FEELINGS and their EMOTIONAL CONFLICT

and attacking MY feelings, as a parent, as veth always has and will undoubtedly continue to do

"I want to be wherever you are" welp there we go, actual tears

you know that part in hamilton where jefferson's like "can we get back to politics" and madison's in the back crying like "PLEASE?!" that's what that segue felt like

"you're jester, I'll allow it" that's it, that's the campaign

"we're making more of a difference than we ever would have if we hadn't met up"

beau: I'm technically included in everyone, that counts as a confession right

fjord what the fuck is that analogy

AND I WALK AWAY

jester gets such mom energy sometimes

man it's gonna suck when they have to fight the traveler and they used all their spell slots on pyro

mala: his master plan

the traveler is just megamind

PRESENTATION

that's a baller name

"had to get the wiggles out"

beat them dicks

cockquistador

v e t h

artagan's gonna end up choking out two of liam's characters

I'm suprisingly into the concept of caleb and artagan beefing over who makes jester look cooler

"our own personal use"

there is now no prize, you got punked, fuck off

I don't trust like that

"do an insight check" "for what" "idk I just hate her"

v e T H

"9021VO" marisha

"it's a southern-ass thing" ahh, my people

"a blue tiefling" "so jester" "...yeah, it's jester"

"their dicks in their hands" a hur dur dur dur

I'm so NERVOUS there's no way this goes well but WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

we lost marisha

"the golden phallus" his dark materials porn parody

fuck the what

"I'm the final dick!"

COCKBLOCKED

celia's the new big bad

new oneshot, search for celia

what's gonna HAPPEN the energy is so WEIRD

moonweaver: heard u bitches was lookin for me

oh. well shit.

well SHIT

what happens to jester if artagan gets put in gay baby jail???

okay I went and did dishes so I wouldn't have to do them after the episode and my current working theory is that jester becomes artagan's parole officer

depending if laura wants to keep jester on that route, idk, she might tell him to go fuck himself

jester :(

shades of garmelie in that muffled panic

jester's like 6-0 for charming incredibly powerful creatures, let's go for 7

"jester. that's all." cries

the one good thing he ever did

(I knew he actually loved her)

(vindication corner over here tonight)

moonweaver: don't forget to like comment and subscribe

cad: I got a lotta arm

stop making jester make decisions, let her Rest

jester you adorable goof, they fucking love you

y'all are gonna make me actually look up the moon theory and I don't Want To

"are you okay tho" "................yeah?"

beau: press x to doubt

everyone in this campaign: I'm incredibly powerful. I'm an enormous fuckup. I'm at the combination incredibly powerful and enormous fuckup.

veth was seriously going to throw tiny hands, I love her

artagan just tell her you love her back

I will teleport in there and throw hands

I can't help it, I just like him. I always have. I blame Matt. every time they want him to fuck off they just start doing monologues

I mean goldmember's taken

"I'm at your service" fuckin weh

fjord: are you fucking with me. you have to tell me if you're fucking with me or it's entrapment

jester set some boundaries challenge

this did not turn out to be much of a vacation, to be ENTIRELY fair

"sidequest, who's got sidequests"

cad's their designated driver, he doesn't go home until they're all home

BEAUREBAR

"can we warn yussa" "I plan to!" "we always plan to, let's please do it this time"

"someone prayed for a miracle and there you were" cad that's gay

mala: sounds like Taliesin's home plane

[cameoamalthea]

Re-Beau and the Traveler

@ernestosart

This is long. Beau has trust issues stemming from child abuse and she projects those anxieties onto others as they color her world view. That's why she didn't believe Jester about Marion sending her money. In her experience, parents don't look out for you or help you, therefor Jester is setting herself up for disappointment and will be hurt. Better tell her asking doesn't mean she'll get it rather than trusting that Jester knows her own Mother better than Beau considering Jester has known her Mother her whole life and Beau knows nothing about her.  Beau did not intend to hurt Jester. In fact, her motivations were rooted in a desire to protect her from getting hurt. She mistakes Jester’s optimism and faith in those she loves naïveté and believes that Jester needs to be disillusioned to overcome that. She infantilizes Jester to a certain degree, seeing her as someone who needs to be protected and warned about people because Jester is too trusting to make her own judgement.

Jester is a romantic. She likes stories about love and general idealistic notions. Jester is inexperienced with relationships outside of her Mother and Artagan. However, Jester is not a child and is actually a good judge of character. Her wisdom score was 17 when Beau met her (higher than Beau), and it’s currently 20 (still higher than Beau). Wisdom includes things like insight.  While Beau herself is very wise and insightful, she’s clouded by her bias against trusting people. This over protectiveness isn’t solely directed at Jester. She also distrusted Essek and cock blocked Essek and Caleb when they planned to go back to Essek’s place together. She was right not to trust Essek in general, but there’s no evidence he meant Caleb any harm or that Caleb wasn’t capable of going to Essek’s place alone with him.  Beau doesn’t trust people, and doesn’t trust her friends to take care of themselves. She projects her assumptions on everyone. She assumes the Traveler is using Jester and assumes Jester doesn’t understand the Traveler is using her.   The conversation in 205 demonstrates that Jester understands who and what Artagan is perfectly well. She knows he’s not mortal and because he’s not mortal his morality is skewed and he isn’t considerate. Jester doesn’t say, he’s really a good guy though there’s good in him. She says, ‘he’s not the best guy’ but Jester knows that and she loves him anyway. In her desire to protect Jester, Beau verges on being controlling and gaslighting.

She tries to convince Jester to see Artagan the way Beau does when as with Marion, it’s Jester’s relationship and Jester is the one who knows the other person involved and what their dynamic is with each other.  While if you think someone you care about is being abused you should absolutely point out where they should set boundaries if they don’t realize that a behavior is not ok. You can tell someone, hey - that action is harmful. However, you cannot control how anyone else feels and you should not insert yourself into any one else’s relationship one way or the other. When I say relationship, I mean any relationship. How adult child relates to their parent is between them and their parent unless they ask for advice. How someone relates to their best friend is that friend is acting toxic is again, their business. Caleb supported Jester by empathizing and accepting her feelings and helping her ascertain what she wanted. She loves Artagan, their relationship isn’t working, what do you want out of the relationship? That’s offering support rather than trying to control.  While Yasha has just as many doubts about Artagan she framed her concerns around Jester’s feelings. Artagan did X thing, how did that make you feel. She gave Jester space to express what she thought instead of telling her what to think. Veth was amazing at telling Jester to set boundaries without invalidating her feelings. It’s not helpful or effective to say ‘I don’t trust this guy, are you sure you should have a relationship.” It’s very helpful to say ‘This relationship is important to you, but these actions are not ok and have hurt you. If he values the relationship, he should be willing to talk about these issues. Quit prioritizing what he wants and start prioritizing your relationship and expect the same. You two need to talk.” However, Fjord and Beau, don’t have that empathy.

Fjord, like Beau, is protective of Jester and somewhat infantilizes her as a result. The patronizing concern verges on gaslighting. Telling Jester what she should think, undercutting Jester’s own judgement. 

TRAVIS: (sighs) Yes. I've been a little concerned that maybe the Traveler's trying to become a god, and you might be helping him.  LAURA: I don't think he wants to be a god. I mean, I really don't, based on conversations that we had. I think he's kind of over it. TRAVIS: You know, can I just toss out there, though, that when he told you he didn't want all that responsibility and he still makes you go forward with the gathering of numerous, numerous people on a volcanic island, they sound kind of like conflicting messages

Beau, likewise, pushes the idea that the Traveler is out to hurt Jester. MARISHA: If he influenced this entire decision. Didn't you say he wanted to be less busy? What if he's trying to legitimately offload followers? We joked about that yesterday or something, I don't know, but what if this is all part of his plan? He's The Traveler. He has to know something weird is going on in this place, right?  Beau undercuts Jester’s faith in her relationship with the Traveler by bringing this up. Her suspicion that he knew and considered using Vokodo to get rid of unwanted followers is correct, but she frames it as the Traveler sending /her/ there rather than ‘do you think the Traveler picked this place so that some of his followers would forget him so he wouldn’t have to deal with them’.

Framed that way, Jester might not have cared. What hurts her is the suggestion that the Traveler does not really care about her and planned to abandoned her.  Beau and Fjord never consider that the Traveler may in fact care for Jester or validate Jester’s feelings.  Beau’s ‘say the word and I’ll kill him’ is an attempt at being supportive, but it’s hurtful because Beau does not acknowledge Jester’s feelings. Whether it’s good for her or not, Jester LOVES Artagan and Beau needs to respect that he matters to her and if she wants to support Jester it should be from a place of trying to understand and respect Jester’s wishes. 

[readbythestarlight]

c2e57

Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam...

Oh man I can’t wait for this

"Heroes of the Dynasty" I still can’t believe it tbh

Caleb instantly bringing Nott’s husband up because he is going to get Yeza back for her whatever it costs

Nott’s gonna get to see Yezaaaaaaa! Oh man is my heart ready?

They were running around with a liTERAL GOD IN THEIR KNAPSACK

Oh boy more orbs? Or are they orbs.

Oh man I am SO HERE for this lore!!

Was Molly some sort of weird attempt at this same thing??

Oh my godddddddd Caleb probably could have eventually used the orb to figure out dunamancy

Nott turning around and bragging about her wizard son and asking for some knowledge for him

"The empire we are from is full of very good people. Most, almost all. I have been scarred by some of the few who do not fit that category. And rather than killing the entire animal, I ask that you consider cutting out the cancer."

I’m so proud of my boyyyyy.

And Beau like "yeah what he said and on top of that maybe we can help you get justice not revenge."

Cad like "yeah what they said. You don’t wanna do that."

Oh jeeze Brightqueen getting all dark and angry

This war is gonna he awful and painful and bad for all sides

Oh damn she’s asking for their loyalty and help in finding the other beacon shiiiiiiiiit

Good answers, smart answers, my kids are using their heads for once.

He’s searching for a what??

I’m so glad they’re supporting Caleb’s decision instead of attacking him for making decisions for the group

Fjord seems less okay about it than some others but I kinda understand. I think he’s just tired of constantly feeling like he’s in over his head and everything’s out of control.

C: "For the first time in a very long time I feel... Hopeful."

J: "You look like you feel hopeful, Caleb." (while Caleb looks as miserable than usual)

"My goose is cooked."

"I think I’m going to have a hard time finding my father now. I don’t know if I’ll ever see my mother again, because of choices made in that room."

Oh ouch here it comes now.

Tension between the empire kids?

Oh Nott my girl. It’ll be okay. You know him, he loves you.

And I’ll fight him if he doesn’t.

I hope Beau isn’t sitting there making her usual assumptions about Caleb’s motives.

WHISPERSSSS

....I’m not sure I trust this Shadowhand man

What if he’s a spy. If not for the Empire then for the Assembly.

I wanna like him tho.

Oh my gosh Yeza must be so confused poor thing xD

"Guess who it iiiiiiis! :D"

"I don’t have a word limit now, buddy!"

TIME TO HAVE EMOTIONS

"You think that matters?"

"It’s still you, right? You’re alive? Then that’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time."

IM IN A PUDDLE OF EMOTIONS

"I will cut you. Don’t you hurt my friend." Jester bringing the MOOD tonight.

"It’s still you though, right? Then that’s all that matters."

I AM WEEPING.

SHE IS TRULY THE BRAVE. THE BRAVEST OF BRAVE.

"I think for us to be together, we’ll have to be apart again." I mean I know this but I am sad.

Doragna.

"Hi this is Caleb he’s our adopted wizard son now by the way."

Yeza’s nerding out over Cad’s moss or whatever I’m dying

THEY ARE THE CUTEST MARRIED COUPLE I LOVE THEM

Oh jeeze poor Yeza

Oh shit and they have the vial too!!

And the tripod

AHHH HE’S FREEEEEE!

He better be free it better not be a lie.

Whispersssss.

Their adorable excitement over the 8.8mil stretch goal being passed.

Travis on The Flask: "that is bigger than my whole wife!!"

Laura: *scruches up small to prove she could definitely hide behind the flask*

"Why would we want to go to this place we were explicitly warned not to go" asks the group that frequently does exactly that

Cad: "It’s weird and bland I’m into it."

"I use thaumaturgy to open all the windows."

If that’s not the last thing Jester does in this campaign I will be sad

C: "yeah we’re alright but your wiFE THO she’s amazing"

Yeza geeking out over how cool his wife is is just the highlight of my life

Matching tattoos omg

Poor Yeza xD

B: "How much do you care and how much are you using us, Caleb?"

I really feel like we should be past this level of "you're just using us" mistrust but maybe I’m just sensitive

Cad asking Caleb if this is his purpose or his destiny. I love when he asks things like that, or points out that they are where they are for a reason.

C: "Yes I was trained to be a terrible person. Yes I was a student of the Cerberus Assembly. Yes I murdered those most dear to me. Yes. And yes, I want to see specific people dead. And if that can line up with saving where you and I live, where Veth and Yeza live, where all our friends live, then it is all one."

He’s defensive about the time bit... but like he had to know that if that’s his purpose it would be pretty obvious to Beau.

"What was the chair?"

"You don’t wanna know about the—" and Matt cracks up I love him.

Oh no, Yeza being upset about the idea of Nott going against the Empire...

Way to present with another moral conundrum, Matt. I love it.

Someone please let Fjord deal with the fact that he’s CLEARLY constantly feeling in over his head and probably like he’s drowning again

Also Yeza honey don’t worry the little people, the innocent ones, are who Caleb is arguing to protect.

A crematorium kiln good lord Caudceus just when I think you couldn’t be any more pastel goth.

"Something unusual" TOO VAGUE

Three sacred sites... three again.

J: "Are you planning on burying a body there? Or crematorying a body there?"

Cad: "Well I figure whichever of you I like least.

...That was a joke."

"Why are you on the floor?" anD THEN HE JOINS HER ON THE FLOOR CURLED UP NEXT TO HER

IM CRYING

Yeza is exactly who Nott deserves and I’m in love with their love

Fjord in here with the valid concerns about how to decide who is good and who is bad and where the line is

C: "Fjord... I appreciate you."

F: "What?"

C: "Sometimes you have to get a little bit crazy."

F: "....What, you mean like, right now?"

C: "You said that to me. It was a callback, it was..."

You two make it work. That’s always been your thing. Make it work, boys. Make it work.

Jester: "porn is an accurate representation of love right?"

And then she’s embarrassed I’m crying baby giiiiiirl

Yasha checking on our boy after he almost died and everyone kinda forgot about it

"Ms. Yasha." I love him.

Oh and now I’m having Caduceus feelings oh no

Cad: "There’s something special with these people, and with you. With us. And I’m going to try to remind them that it’s important to honor that and not just... I think there’s a great version of all these people, and you."

Y: "I hope so."

Cad: "Hopefully I won’t get everyone else killed too." (SORRY EVERYONE ELSE KILLED *TOO*?! My baby boy Cad’s got some guilt over somebody dying who he feels he was responsible for?)

Y: "Hopefully they won’t get you killed either. Again."

Cad: "Thank you for taking care of these people with me."

Y: "Just paying forward for when one of them took care of me."

My heeeeart.

LEVEL UP!!

Wooooo +6 HP for Caleb! 57 baby he’ll only go down once per fight from now on.

Mass healing word yay!!

Empire Kids conversation?

Empire Kids conversation.

Caleb asking for her trust. "I need you to be my friend." MY HEEEAAARRRT.

Idk Beau I can see sometimes why he would doubt it. You do call him out and act like he’s just using you guys a lot.

I’m crying you guys

My empire kids

They’re so good

Beau is so good

Caleb is so good

I love them

"I care for you." and "I respect you greatly."

HUG!!!!

I’m crying look at far they’ve both come.

(By the way I think Fjord could use a hug too.)

[realrealguylin]

3/7/17

January - early February

I started serving on the executive team of our church. Like many things in our church, there seems to be a lack of transparency as to the roles and responsibilities from an outsider’s perspective, but it made more sense the more dialogue and meetings I was exposed to. I’m thankful for the opportunity because the topics we talk about at the scale we look at it, affects the whole church. As someone who wants to plant a church in the future, this is invaluable experience. Plus I’m not dying from serving on this team so far, so that’s a plus.

For my devotions, I bought a Bible https://www.amazon.com/NIV-Cultural-Backgrounds-Study-Bible/dp/0310431581 which gives cultural background to passages. Sometimes Bible passages can be confusing because we aren’t the intended audience, so I sought to alleviate that. Along with that, I’m reading a reading plan called the Chronological Bible Reading Plan which seeks to read the Bible in one year in the chronological order of happenings (so Job comes after Genesis 8, weird!)

That being said, reading Job even with that study Bible was hard. Although I learned things, it didn’t feel connected to my life.

Our church had our congregational retreat and I had a really good time personally. I was able to have some one on one conversation with the speaker, Pastor James Cha. He’s basically lived the life that I want to live - Master’s in engineering, church planted in a “dark” country, and used his degree for the Gospel. The retreat inspired me to dream bigger for my career and invest into it because for many countries, missionaries are denied, but reputable engineers wouldn’t be. So even though I only just started my job and have a long way to go (Pastor James worked 10 years before he went overseas!) I know my goal and pray that God will develop me to the point that I’ll be able to go one day.

After that we started our One Desire Fast as a church. I prayed about applying to the Detroit church plant. I concluded that I should not be applying in this season, but when I told someone, they gave me some push back and to be honest, their points were very valid (leading me to question my life..). Most of my reasons for not applying could be addressed, and if God says “go,” then you just have to go. So, after more fasting and coincidentally preparing Life Group Bible studies that were relevant, I still resolved to not apply. I felt like God wanted me to build up the ministry here, especially how we as a church need to grow in our presence on campus and in the city. As I am going to start serving on the Outreach team, I think this is a perfect storm. Detroit is a great opportunity to pass up. It’s a city in need of the Gospel, it’s nearby and especially close to my Mom should I ever need to do anything, and I’m sure I could find a job. But it’s not the season I find myself in. 

mid Feburary - now

Life Group has not been easy. It seems like almost every week I find out about another person’s reasons for coming out. It feels like I’m watching people fall away before my very eyes and I can do nothing to stop it. I think it’s easy to question why all this is happening and be discouraged, especially because I felt so strong about my convictions for the direction of this LG. But, as I’ve seen how my Core team faithfully serves and partners together with me, and the discouragement they go through, I have to be steadfast. The Good Shepherd knows His sheep better than I ever could. I’ll be faithful in being there for people, hearing them out, but if they don’t have to faith to choose God, then that’s God’s sovereignty. I’ll be faithful with the people who are here. And I’m thankful for those who are actually coming out, because after our spring break trip to a really nice cottage, I see how much growth and fruit God is actually producing in investing into these few. There’s still a lot of potential for us to grow in, and every little victory is a praise to Him.

Work has been actually very chill. I work as an Engineering Fellow for Michigan Medicine (the new name for UM Health System, there’s a lot of controversy about this name...). My specific project is to support my boss in Lean-led design for a new hospital tower that’s going to be built in connection to the current hospital and the plan is to be built in 5 years. Everyday looks different for me. Sometimes I go in at 9, sometimes it’s 6:30 am to meet surgeons. Many days I’m free to go home by 3 and that’s pretty awesome. I could’ve gone into many fields with my degree, but I think not only is healthcare a meaningful field, but there’s just a lot of complexity and room to for problem solving when it comes to processes. There’s a reason why hospital processes are so messy, and we aim to make sure the new tower doesn’t suffer these same problems. Plus, during retreat, I had a dream of building a hospital in a country overseas, wouldn’t that be a great way to get my foot in the door?? So we’ll see where God takes me with this job. There’s a lot of learning, especially medical terms, but at least my boss likes my work, so I just have to be faithful with this.

I finally got my first paycheck! Being paid monthly instead of bi-weekly is kind of long, though. But at least I can pay all the bills without having to rely on Mom. I hope to be able to pay off all my student loans by the end of the summer.

Health wise, I got food poisoning last week which wasn’t fun. It forced me to take a sick day and sleep all day. I asked the Lord for a restful week, but that is not what I intended... I may need an X-ray on my knee, it’s been bothering me since December, but I’m only getting checked now that I have health insurance. I’m also getting on my one (lucky me!) wisdom tooth taken out next month.

Daily devotionals, though, has been hard both because I have to wake up early in order to read first thing in the morning, and because we’re reading through Leviticus + Numbers, and that’s always a struggle for me.  

I didn’t get to think about this until now. I left RT yesterday. I didn’t prepare a speech because I didn’t expect to give one. RT has been my only ministry team the entire time I’ve been in church. It feels bittersweet to leave because even though my direction in life is changing, it’s always hard to say good-bye to something you gave all that time and energy to. And the people as well, I’ve gotten to know most everyone on the team, plus there were new members, too. My flesh wants people to miss me being on the team. But I don’t think that’s right, because no team should be about one person. It’s definitely going to be weird to be on the other side of the refreshments table. RT isn’t the most time demanding or prayer demanding team, so it’s easy to take it for granted, but you do learn to be a real adult because of the commitment and there’s value in that. I won’t cry, because I just don’t do that, but someone else in my position probably would. Farewell RT, thanks for the memories.

Recently, a friend visited town and after hearing how it’s been for them, it made me pause for some perspective. We cannot take for granted the community and circumstances God has given us in this time. Because once people move away physically or life stage-wise, it’s never the same. You will most likely not recover what you lost. Why else does Apostle Paul long to see his disciples while he’s in prison? He wants to spend time with them, grow alongside them. So I’m resolving to intentionally make time for friends before they move on.

Circumstantially, life is pretty chill, actually. Working life is great because you can go to sleep peacefully at night knowing you don’t have exams/homework to work on. I’m in the middle of various transitions at church so I actually don’t have to serve much, yet. I’m trying to make the most of this time by continuing to get discipled, take on more work responsibility even if it takes more time, evangelize, read books, and staying healthy through sleep, working out, and eating right. 

What am I learning?

We can make resolute decisions because of God’s faithful character. He doesn’t force us to make a decision where the outcome proves Him faithless.

In order to be a man of outreach and His hands and feet, I have to be jealous for His people but also jealous for his justice just like Caleb was jealous for God’s justice by killing rebellious Israelites that were causing everyone else to get plagued.

I am human, so very human. Whether it’s physically (I got food poisoning last week and I literally did not move that day), spiritually as I see that I can do nothing for my LG, or even emotionally, I just can’t do it all. I have to depend on God through prayer everyday.

[timclymer]

Suicide – What You Should Know

“Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevails it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live.” Charles Caleb Colton

Few people are aware that suicide remains one of the leading causes of death for people worldwide. It truly is a global problem. However, it is a sad fact if you consider the number of preventive measures available to handle these tragic situations. Unfortunately, it’s also the essence of suicide that makes it difficult for you to actually protect your loved ones.

TOP WARNING SIGNS In rare instances, there may be no sign or symptom at all before an individual commits suicide. However, making a constant effort to spend time with the people you care about can make you more attune to warning signs that would have been easily overlooked by others.

A person has a high risk of committing suicide if he or she exhibits any of the following signs or symptoms:

• Talking, thinking, or writing about suicidal thoughts – even if it’s just occasionally. • Making a conscious effort to acquire a means to commit suicide, for example stockpiling pills or buying a gun. • Displaying behaviors that indicate social withdrawal, such as spending too much time alone or avoiding contact with other people. • Having extreme or even occasional mood swings for inexplicable reasons. • Spending too much time thinking or talking about issues related to violence or death. • Admitting that they feel hopeless or trapped by a particular situation in their personal lives, at school or at work. • Increased consumption of drugs, alcohol, nicotine or any other form of substance abuse. • Sudden and inexplicable changes in their regular routine, such as their sleeping patterns and eating habits. • Taking sudden and too many unnecessary risks with their lives, such as reckless driving, gambling, drug taking or having unprotected sex. • Writing their last testament, making arrangements for how their possessions should be disposed of if they were gone or giving away belongings for seemingly no valid reason. • Saying good-bye as if they are leaving or going away for good. • Exhibiting major personality changes as well as showing a serious inability to cope with stress and anxiety or life in general.

It’s always better to play it safe when it comes to individuals who may be at risk of committing suicide. If you have any reason to expect that a loved one is entertaining thoughts of harm him or herself, then you should contact the proper authorities about it. Be sure to share your worries with other people so that they, too, may watch over your loved one.

If you are personally in danger of committing a suicide, then there are proactive measures you can take to prevent it. The coping strategies below cover it in more detail, but here are a few of the main points to consider.

• Speak to a loved one or close friend about what you are going through. Take the courage to be completely honest about your situation. • Contact suicide prevention hot lines. Crisis help lines are free and 24/7. • Talk to a spiritual adviser if you feel that this might help your situation. Seek professional help.

POSSIBLE CAUSES OF SUICIDE It’s hard to pinpoint the exact cause for suicide. However, one surprising fact is the possibility of genetics having to do with suicide. Some studies show that there may be a genetic component relevant to suicide. If there is a history of suicide in your family, then it may place you at greater risk of committing suicide as well. This is not meant to alarm anyone who might find themselves in this particular situation. Rather, it is meant to empower people to be aware of any possible risks. Being aware of any possible risks can be very empowering. In other words, once you know that there could be a potential risk, you are better able to equip yourself with the necessary coping skills and strategies mentioned below.

Here is a list of situations that commonly act as a trigger for suicidal thoughts or actual attempts at suicide.

• Are you feeling lonely, socially isolated or hopeless about your life? • Has something particularly stressful recently happened in your life and it’s something that you feel can not cope with? Examples of this include, but are not limited to, losing a loved one, engaging in your first battle as a military officer, breaking up with your partner, being diagnosed with a serious medical condition, finding out that you are bankrupt, or becoming a target of a lawsuit. • Substance abuse is not always a symptom of suicide. Sometimes, it can be one of its triggers because its side effects can make you more open to entertaining suicidal thoughts. • Do you have access to any means for trying suicide? • Is it possible that you are suffering from any kind of psychiatric disorder? This includes, but is not limited to, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, paranoia, phobia, or psychosis. • Is there a history of mental disorder of any kind in your family? What about a history of suicide, physical abuse, or substance abuse? • Are you suffering from any kind of disease in which depression is one of its possible symptoms? • Are you suffering from any kind of discrimination? • Is there something important in your life that you do not receive critical support from your loved ones? An example of this is if your family does not approve of your lifestyle, work, or your decision to come out as a homosexual.

Special factors have to be considered if you are concerned about children or teens committing suicide.

• Is your child likely to be suffering from any kind of mental or psychiatric disorder, diagnosed or not? • Is your child troubled by a problematic relationship with a family member or close friend? • Is there a history of any kind of abuse in your family? • Is your child exposed to substance abuse of any kind? • Is your child pregnant? • Is there a possibility that your child is suffering from an STD or a sexually transmitted infection of any kind? • Is your child suffering from bullying or discrimination? • Does your child appear to be having problems with his or her sexual orientation?

SUICIDE AND MURDER Sometimes, what you should watch out for is a standby or a possibility that a loved one would commit murder. If that is likely, then suicide may also follow. Unfortunately, this kind of tragedy happens all too often. The amount of suffering it causes is immeasurable. But it can be avoided if people are taught how to learn to cope with rejection and failure. If a person has developed no coping skills and life deals them a bad blow, things can sometimes take a turn for the worst. When people can not accept and if they are left to their own devices, tragedy usually follows. Everybody needs help at some point in their lives. Some of the major issues that could lead to suicide are as follows:

• Relationship problems, such as extra-marital affairs, sexual abuse, and issues over control and jealousy. • Financial problems, such as bankruptcy, unexpected increases in rent, or finding out that you’ve lost a huge amount of money in your investment. • Legal problems, such as learning that you may have inadvertently committed a crime or you’re sued by someone else.

MEDICATION It’s a sad fact that there are also certain types of prescribed medications that count depression as a potential side effect. If you or a loved one has no option but to take this type of medication, then you should be extra observant about any unusual actions, behavior or thoughts. Make sure you inform a friend or family member if you are taking medication that could alter your personality. Someone on the outside looking in, so to speak, could recognize the signs that something is not right before you do.

COPING STRATEGIES Below are a number of key strategies that you can use to help yourself, a friend or a family member. It only barely touches the subject, so I would encourage people to research the topic further through the Internet, books and self-help groups. Remember, knowledge is power!

• Do not do anything right now. You may be in a lot of pain, but try to distance yourself from your thoughts and your actions. Being depressed and thinking about suicide is completely different from actually doing it. It’s the depression and stress that’s making you think in a way that you normally would not. Give yourself a chance. Tell yourself you’ll give it another day or even a week just to give yourself a chance to think rather than act.

• If you are taking drugs and / or alcohol, suicidal thoughts can become even stronger. These substances will alter your natural way of thinking. I have no doubt that many a person took their own life while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol only compound the problems people have to face. The world is a completely different place when you’re sober. Reality can be tough sometimes, but it’s the only reality we have. And we can live in this reality if we give ourselves a chance. There are ways of coping with and overcoming our problems.

• Identify situations that trigger feelings of despair or that that generates suicidal thoughts. It could be the upcoming anniversary of the loss of a loved one, consumption of excess alcohol or drugs, and the stress of a break up from a relationship or struggling with one’s sexual identity. There are, of course, many other reasons, but the most important thing is to become aware of what triggers you. Just being honest with yourself can lift a great weight off your shoulders and help you to avoid these triggers in the future.

• The nature of depression or feeling suicidal means that a person wants to isolate themselves from society and everyone around them. Because of this fact, it can make things seem difficult to make a recovery, but this is not true. Even if you do not want or feel like talking to people you know, there are crisis help lines that people can use to talk about their feelings. Remember, we are social creatures, and it’s never a good idea trying to go it alone.

• Try to build a support network for yourself. Have phone numbers ready at hand in case you ever need them. Always have somebody just a phone call away. It could be your family doctor, a friend, a family member or a crisis line. When all else fails, a crisis line could be your salvation. Remember, you’re never really alone because crisis lines are there 24/7. The people who volunteer their services would not be on the other end of the line unless they care. People do care about other people, so you are not alone.

• Take care of yourself. What you eat and drink and how much fresh air and exercise you get is very important. I can tell you that fresh air and just going for a short walk (which is free by the way) goes a long way. Even just basic deep breathing exercises can put you in a different mindset. • It’s important to remember that nothing ever lasts the same. I understand that this may seem difficult to accept when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, but it is true. When life deals us severe blows, it takes time to recover. After all, we’re only human. We have to give ourselves a chance. One small step at a time is the key to achieving anything big. Taking on too much too soon is never a good idea. When a young child starts to learn to walk for the first time, it falls over many times. But no matter how many times the child falls over, it keeps getting up until it learns to stand on its own two feet. Life does the same thing when we get older, but remember, it never lasts the same as long as we pick ourselves up and carry on. No matter how many times it takes!

Copyright Piaras O Cionnaoith 2013.

Source by Piaras O Cionnaoith

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/suicide-what-you-should-know/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/185700599960 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

[homesolutionsforev]

Suicide – What You Should Know

"Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevails it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live." Charles Caleb Colton

Few people are aware that suicide remains one of the leading causes of death for people worldwide. It truly is a global problem. However, it is a sad fact if you consider the number of preventive measures available to handle these tragic situations. Unfortunately, it's also the essence of suicide that makes it difficult for you to actually protect your loved ones.

TOP WARNING SIGNS In rare instances, there may be no sign or symptom at all before an individual commits suicide. However, making a constant effort to spend time with the people you care about can make you more attune to warning signs that would have been easily overlooked by others.

A person has a high risk of committing suicide if he or she exhibits any of the following signs or symptoms:

• Talking, thinking, or writing about suicidal thoughts – even if it's just occasionally. • Making a conscious effort to acquire a means to commit suicide, for example stockpiling pills or buying a gun. • Displaying behaviors that indicate social withdrawal, such as spending too much time alone or avoiding contact with other people. • Having extreme or even occasional mood swings for inexplicable reasons. • Spending too much time thinking or talking about issues related to violence or death. • Admitting that they feel hopeless or trapped by a particular situation in their personal lives, at school or at work. • Increased consumption of drugs, alcohol, nicotine or any other form of substance abuse. • Sudden and inexplicable changes in their regular routine, such as their sleeping patterns and eating habits. • Taking sudden and too many unnecessary risks with their lives, such as reckless driving, gambling, drug taking or having unprotected sex. • Writing their last testament, making arrangements for how their possessions should be disposed of if they were gone or giving away belongings for seemingly no valid reason. • Saying good-bye as if they are leaving or going away for good. • Exhibiting major personality changes as well as showing a serious inability to cope with stress and anxiety or life in general.

It's always better to play it safe when it comes to individuals who may be at risk of committing suicide. If you have any reason to expect that a loved one is entertaining thoughts of harm him or herself, then you should contact the proper authorities about it. Be sure to share your worries with other people so that they, too, may watch over your loved one.

If you are personally in danger of committing a suicide, then there are proactive measures you can take to prevent it. The coping strategies below cover it in more detail, but here are a few of the main points to consider.

• Speak to a loved one or close friend about what you are going through. Take the courage to be completely honest about your situation. • Contact suicide prevention hot lines. Crisis help lines are free and 24/7. • Talk to a spiritual adviser if you feel that this might help your situation. Seek professional help.

POSSIBLE CAUSES OF SUICIDE It's hard to pinpoint the exact cause for suicide. However, one surprising fact is the possibility of genetics having to do with suicide. Some studies show that there may be a genetic component relevant to suicide. If there is a history of suicide in your family, then it may place you at greater risk of committing suicide as well. This is not meant to alarm anyone who might find themselves in this particular situation. Rather, it is meant to empower people to be aware of any possible risks. Being aware of any possible risks can be very empowering. In other words, once you know that there could be a potential risk, you are better able to equip yourself with the necessary coping skills and strategies mentioned below.

Here is a list of situations that commonly act as a trigger for suicidal thoughts or actual attempts at suicide.

• Are you feeling lonely, socially isolated or hopeless about your life? • Has something particularly stressful recently happened in your life and it's something that you feel can not cope with? Examples of this include, but are not limited to, losing a loved one, engaging in your first battle as a military officer, breaking up with your partner, being diagnosed with a serious medical condition, finding out that you are bankrupt, or becoming a target of a lawsuit. • Substance abuse is not always a symptom of suicide. Sometimes, it can be one of its triggers because its side effects can make you more open to entertaining suicidal thoughts. • Do you have access to any means for trying suicide? • Is it possible that you are suffering from any kind of psychiatric disorder? This includes, but is not limited to, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, paranoia, phobia, or psychosis. • Is there a history of mental disorder of any kind in your family? What about a history of suicide, physical abuse, or substance abuse? • Are you suffering from any kind of disease in which depression is one of its possible symptoms? • Are you suffering from any kind of discrimination? • Is there something important in your life that you do not receive critical support from your loved ones? An example of this is if your family does not approve of your lifestyle, work, or your decision to come out as a homosexual.

Special factors have to be considered if you are concerned about children or teens committing suicide.

• Is your child likely to be suffering from any kind of mental or psychiatric disorder, diagnosed or not? • Is your child troubled by a problematic relationship with a family member or close friend? • Is there a history of any kind of abuse in your family? • Is your child exposed to substance abuse of any kind? • Is your child pregnant? • Is there a possibility that your child is suffering from an STD or a sexually transmitted infection of any kind? • Is your child suffering from bullying or discrimination? • Does your child appear to be having problems with his or her sexual orientation?

SUICIDE AND MURDER Sometimes, what you should watch out for is a standby or a possibility that a loved one would commit murder. If that is likely, then suicide may also follow. Unfortunately, this kind of tragedy happens all too often. The amount of suffering it causes is immeasurable. But it can be avoided if people are taught how to learn to cope with rejection and failure. If a person has developed no coping skills and life deals them a bad blow, things can sometimes take a turn for the worst. When people can not accept and if they are left to their own devices, tragedy usually follows. Everybody needs help at some point in their lives. Some of the major issues that could lead to suicide are as follows:

• Relationship problems, such as extra-marital affairs, sexual abuse, and issues over control and jealousy. • Financial problems, such as bankruptcy, unexpected increases in rent, or finding out that you've lost a huge amount of money in your investment. • Legal problems, such as learning that you may have inadvertently committed a crime or you're sued by someone else.

MEDICATION It's a sad fact that there are also certain types of prescribed medications that count depression as a potential side effect. If you or a loved one has no option but to take this type of medication, then you should be extra observant about any unusual actions, behavior or thoughts. Make sure you inform a friend or family member if you are taking medication that could alter your personality. Someone on the outside looking in, so to speak, could recognize the signs that something is not right before you do.

COPING STRATEGIES Below are a number of key strategies that you can use to help yourself, a friend or a family member. It only barely touches the subject, so I would encourage people to research the topic further through the Internet, books and self-help groups. Remember, knowledge is power!

• Do not do anything right now. You may be in a lot of pain, but try to distance yourself from your thoughts and your actions. Being depressed and thinking about suicide is completely different from actually doing it. It's the depression and stress that's making you think in a way that you normally would not. Give yourself a chance. Tell yourself you'll give it another day or even a week just to give yourself a chance to think rather than act.

• If you are taking drugs and / or alcohol, suicidal thoughts can become even stronger. These substances will alter your natural way of thinking. I have no doubt that many a person took their own life while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol only compound the problems people have to face. The world is a completely different place when you're sober. Reality can be tough sometimes, but it's the only reality we have. And we can live in this reality if we give ourselves a chance. There are ways of coping with and overcoming our problems.

• Identify situations that trigger feelings of despair or that that generates suicidal thoughts. It could be the upcoming anniversary of the loss of a loved one, consumption of excess alcohol or drugs, and the stress of a break up from a relationship or struggling with one's sexual identity. There are, of course, many other reasons, but the most important thing is to become aware of what triggers you. Just being honest with yourself can lift a great weight off your shoulders and help you to avoid these triggers in the future.

• The nature of depression or feeling suicidal means that a person wants to isolate themselves from society and everyone around them. Because of this fact, it can make things seem difficult to make a recovery, but this is not true. Even if you do not want or feel like talking to people you know, there are crisis help lines that people can use to talk about their feelings. Remember, we are social creatures, and it's never a good idea trying to go it alone.

• Try to build a support network for yourself. Have phone numbers ready at hand in case you ever need them. Always have somebody just a phone call away. It could be your family doctor, a friend, a family member or a crisis line. When all else fails, a crisis line could be your salvation. Remember, you're never really alone because crisis lines are there 24/7. The people who volunteer their services would not be on the other end of the line unless they care. People do care about other people, so you are not alone.

• Take care of yourself. What you eat and drink and how much fresh air and exercise you get is very important. I can tell you that fresh air and just going for a short walk (which is free by the way) goes a long way. Even just basic deep breathing exercises can put you in a different mindset. • It's important to remember that nothing ever lasts the same. I understand that this may seem difficult to accept when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, but it is true. When life deals us severe blows, it takes time to recover. After all, we're only human. We have to give ourselves a chance. One small step at a time is the key to achieving anything big. Taking on too much too soon is never a good idea. When a young child starts to learn to walk for the first time, it falls over many times. But no matter how many times the child falls over, it keeps getting up until it learns to stand on its own two feet. Life does the same thing when we get older, but remember, it never lasts the same as long as we pick ourselves up and carry on. No matter how many times it takes!

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How To Cope With Divorce With A Large Conflict Husband Or Wife

I was finally capable to locate a law firm soon thereafter, by staying at a motel and inquiring my sister for support. Time was managing limited, and if I didn't get the paperwork in, he would get everything he required. I crammed out my possess paperwork just in situation my lawyer couldn't get it accomplished on time, becoming taunted the complete time by my partner telling me he was going to get every little thing. He told me that the final thing I would at any time get out of him was my online divorce.

2) Have you acknowledged divorce papers the man or woman you're about to marry, faults and all? (If any faults hassle you now, there's a very good chance they will truly trouble you soon after marriage).

Wouldn't it be fantastic if there was some form of legislation follow administration software program that allowed you to very easily fill out the New York online divorce assertion of web really worth, integrate it with other NY loved ones law forms so you don't have to enter the very same facts a thousand occasions, and then help save the form in common electronic formats like Term or PDF? Oh wait, there is!

Verse 4 of Psalm 23 is excellent for these individuals heading by means of hard moments. Whether you are grieving about the decline of a liked one particular, or you are likely by means of a look at these guys, we do not have to concern evil when we are in the Lord. Verse 5 talks about God planning a table for his folks in the existence of enemies, and to me this signifies that there is a spot for us to be even in the midst of a sinful entire world. You may possibly not function with Christians, but you may possibly be called to witness to the people you perform with on a day-to-day foundation.

The most typical cause of online divorce is income. When income becomes an problem and charges are not finding paid your husband or wife may possibly come to a decision that it is a good time to get off. This takes place several moments when the few is sharing accounts and one particular is taking benefit of this. It can also happen when the significant bread winner can't keep down a job as nicely.

The story of Fireproof is about a pair who was at the verge of separation, online divorce, adultery, and knee deep in anger and disappointment in every other. The spouse, Caleb located a position in his coronary heart that did not want his marriage to finish when he was served with divorce papers. He achieved out for help and God answered him in quite a few methods.

You have to make certain that you and your mate agree to get divorced. To do an online divorce it has to be and "Uncontested Divorce." So as prolonged as the two of you concur to the terms of the divorce papers an Online Divorce is for you. In the occasion the place you don't know where your husband or wife is, you can nevertheless do an Online Divorce. Test with your online divorce provider for additional facts on this method.

Now you will have the look at these guys papers served to your spouse. You might do this with a few of distinct approaches, which include waiver of services, but most professionals concur a accredited mailer with a USPS return receipt is the most enough approach to provide your divorce papers. If your husband or wife is in the military then you will need to have to simply call around to uncover divorce attorneys who focus in armed service divorces as this is a whole unique method.

If little one custody is just one of your leading priorities, you might find it advantageous to seek out out a kid assist attorney. How considerably profits each and every spouse earns performs a position in who wins this battle. Prior to the dispute, both equally functions will have to agree to terms on whether to go after sole custody, joint bodily custody, or joint lawful custody. look at these guys proceedings will move on when this has been decided.

To get those conclusion, it is really essential validate all the associated facts situated on codicils and prior wills. When you're going to to style and design new will, be selected preceding will has a whole invalidation. Earlier than that , the creation is ineffective, and it'll only direct to troubles. The following period, the divorce papers couples have to confirm regarding the ages soon after they get breakage. Test to substitute the health care director personalities, power of attorney, and details about the guardian for youngsters, burial furthermore memorial expenses.

I have compiled checklist of the top ten reasons why most marriages stop in look at these guys. These are in no certain order but according to a lot of scientific tests on this really topic, they have rated very significant. Examine on to uncover out if your connection is nevertheless worth saving or if it's about time to hand in the papers.

Dorian finds Joey in Kelly's mattress and quickyl walks out . Immediately after they place on some clothes they inform Dorian to arrive back again in. Dorian informs them of what Echo did and exhibits them the Sunshine with Echo and Sam on the go over. Joey tells her he filed for online divorce so Dorian tells them to get married fast. She offers them tickets to the premiere of "Vickerman" but Kelly suggests Zane has a output the identical evening.

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How To Develop A Delighted Relatives Soon After Divorce

To get all those conclusion, it is quite important validate all the related info located on codicils and prior wills. When you're likely to to style new will, be specified prior will has a complete invalidation. Previously than that , the generation is ineffective, and it'll only direct to challenges. The up coming period of time, the online divorce partners have to verify relating to the ages right after they get breakage. Consider to change the healthcare director personalities, electrical power of lawyer, and specifics regarding the guardian for little ones, burial furthermore memorial expenses.

Hairstyles are both a bun or a braid, lined by a little white cap. Some put on a black bonnet. They use black stockings and black footwear. They are not allowed to minimize their hair. Some orders have these kinds of a rigid Ordnung that even the duration of the attire they put on divorce papers is specified. Jewelry is not allowed.

Few individuals understand that the divorce is heading to head in any case and allow we finish it effortlessly on behalf of the betterment no significance family members. The pair leans capabilities many debatable details these kinds of as infant custody, redesign of credit card debt and house, Conversation gets greater and worst then i t will direct to contested Easy divorces, arbitration, mediation, abstract divorce, fault and no-fault divorce. Dependant upon the severity of concerns by employing partners authorized procedures proceeds. When the partners have quite a few potentialities break the concord, they need to realise which can best swimsuit their present circumstance.

The tale of Fireproof is about a pair who was at the verge of separation, divorce, adultery, and knee deep in anger and disappointment in each and every other. The spouse, Caleb identified a location in his heart that did not want his marriage to conclude when he was served with divorce papers. He achieved out for help and God answered him in a lot of approaches.

The greatest matter that you can do is to inform him that you Both equally should have to be content. Convey to him that you really like him and want this for him. Confess that issues aren't the biggest between you and you could realize why he wants some area and distance. Explain to him that you hope that these points let him to see that the romantic relationship, while not ideal, is value attempting to save. (You don't need to dwell on this portion online divorce or to maintain harping on it, but you should mention it.) And, you really should also wrap up by indicating that you will support him as he evaluates his existence and what it would take to boost it. Assure that you received't do anything at all that would impede this progress.

Here are 5 concerns to ask your self to discover out if you seriously are completely ready for divorce papers relationship. Go by way of these inquiries with your mate, just about every taking turns answering and giving your honest belief.

In California, the Summons states that the recipient has thirty calendar days to answer by filing a Response according to principles of court docket. If your partner doesn't file a Response on time, then the court can make orders with regards to your marriage, and you will conclude up with a uncomplicated Easy divorces by default.

The Seventh Signal (1988). Demi Moore receives to be component of the leading 10 checklist two times, as she helps make the listing for her role in The Seventh Sign. Below, it is time for the apocolypse, and for all of the symptoms permitting the world know the apocolypse has occur. Just one of these signals is a baby online divorce staying born devoid of a soul. Demi's little one will be that baby. Nevertheless, if she offers the entire world hope, by agreeing she would die for her little one, the globe will survive. This is an incredible tale of the sacrifice of a mother for her unborn child.

You have to make certain that you and your mate concur to get divorced. To do an online divorce it has to be and "Uncontested Divorce." So as extended as the two of you agree to the conditions of the divorce papers an Online Divorce is for you. In the function the place you don't know in which your spouse is, you can even now do an Online Divorce. Check out with your online divorce supplier for a lot more facts on this approach.

You can't get that basic Easy divorces for a tune. The cost includes the hiring of a very good lawyer, paying for the needed bills and sustaining your wife or husband in the style that she is utilised to. You have to negotiate initial to devise the conditions of your divorce. A good deal of final decision creating is necessary concerning the custody of kids and guidance of the other 50 %. Without having a prevalent floor to negotiate on it is in fact difficult to get there at these conclusions.

Finances:- Even even though these good reasons are in no precise get, funds are in fact the quantity a single purpose for Easy divorces in this region. For a lot of it's the deficiency of money. For others it's just mishandling of money. If 1 wife or husband is into conserving cash and the other is in to spending income then they are consistently butting heads. They turn out to be so involved about how the checkbook is taken care of that they allow the almighty greenback cloud their eyesight of love for their wife or husband. Indeed, there desires to be harmony, but dollars ought to not be that stability and all far too frequently it is.