#this is about owen tosh and ianto obviously. of course. who else

[lesbiten]

on one hand i get the whole “if a characters death upset you it succeeded in leaving an impact on you so its good” but also. counter argument. im sad

[someawkwardprose]

listened to In The Shadows with the discord gang; it gets spoilery thoughts under the cut:

okay first off: Eve Myles was INCREDIBLE; she was really good for pacing and emotion and it really drew me in - I stumbled a few times when I couldn't process what she was saying, but overall she was very clear and it was just. incredible to listen to. her actual accents were atrocious (sorry!!) but she had everyones characteristics down to pat, and her jack, once I got past the accent, felt like jack, not just something being read aloud. the writing itself was incredible beside her performance, and the music really made it perfect. from a technical and artistic standpoint - this was gorgeous

god the framing of Gwen talking to Owen and Tosh, the idea of the afterlife and hoping they're at peace wherever they are, "sleep well" IM OKAY IM JUST CRYING it was just so good!! I love Gwen and her way of processing her grief in relation to the afterlife, despite all evidence to the contrary, and the story really brought that all out

the whole religious imagery is. something that I find really difficult and I'm conflicted about how I feel - all of us have a different one in the group hah - but I do like what it means for both gwen and her greater narrative search for meaning, and the smaller exploration of ianto and his search for meaning and faith!!!

jack is just. SO good. the whole audio of him losing himself in the cells left me awestruck; I don't think I was coherent at any point during that scene. I really loved that his personal hell was hurting those he loved, then the world being consumed by the creatures that destroyed his life on boeshane, which really tied the whole nightmare together - I was distraught at the scene where he's just lost all hope and is drowning, right up until he is saved by Ianto's forgiveness. but I especially liked the first hell scene, the television: if you know me, you know how I feel about every mention of suzie costello!alex was a nice touch - I'm. conflicted about the gwen stuff because I feel like by this point, we're past this, esp since it's clearly after meat! however, the scene with john hart and ianto really stood out: we know that john is dangerous of course, but that specific fear of john not just hurting ianto but...everything about that has me 👀👀

of course there was no way I could talk about this without talking about ianto. I loved the dynamic he had with jack; his dynamic with tosh at the beginning, a proper 25 year old lad having a bit of fun; his dynamic with gwen, who so clearly loves him; and his dynamic with darren was really sweet!! (everyone who meets ianto falls in love with him and that's so valid. me too). i really liked the way he wasn't theorising the way everyone else was, but made the connection anyway, a kind of normal, everyday intelligence. but what really stuck out to me was the "forgiveness"/faith thing - validating all my headcanons I immediately have to write fics about this. also the way that ianto just. shut down when jack went missing, ahhh.

and the janto. what can I fucking say. THEY'RE IN LOVE YOUR HONOUR ITS RIGHT THERE. I still can't be coherent about this, but the power of gay love really reached through the veil and saved the day!! or ianto plucked jack out of gay superhell, pick your supernatural reference. they just love each other so much in this audio, it's going to haunt me. the idea that ianto can save jack through forgiving him...god. GOD.

small owen and tosh thoughts: tosh was so cute at the beginning!! and the whole desperation of trying to save Jack is just. so good!! and the way that owen is obviously attracted to jack and hates it is very funny actually I love that.

some things I just. did not agree with. csa mention ahead:

please dont villainise survivors/have this be the reason they do bad things. that's not how this works. csa is one of those things that survivors have to live with the societal shame for the rest of their lives, for something that wasnt theit fault. dont make them the bad guys. thanks.

also, again, mixed feelings about the religion thing. come back to me in a few days

very disillusioned with the good cop narrative. I know torchwood is a product of it's time but hhh. criminal justice system is not something I'm particularly comfortable with.

finally: it felt like there were too many endings, too many narrative boxes, but it did tie things together nicely so. conflicted about that I guess.

overall: 8/10!! stars removed from the mentioned stuff, if the villain hadnt been That I would probably bump it right up. very worth listening to!!

[agent-jones]

In Defence of Gwendolyn Elizabeth Cooper

Okay, I want to start this out with a few DISCLAIMERS. First, this is probably going to be a long post, so buckle in. Second, I just want to say upfront that I DO NOT CONDONE the mistakes Gwen has made. Defending and understanding her are far different from actually condoning what she’s done and I figured I would put that blanket statement right here at the top. I know she did Bad Things. This isn’t to excuse that, it’s to explain, maybe, why she did what she did and perhaps people can gain a new perspective on Gwen Cooper in the process.

Okay. Leggo.

I asked for people to send their reasonings for not liking Gwen and I did get a few responses, so THANK YOU to those who messaged me! Everyone was very polite about it and I’m very grateful for that. The overwhelming reason people seem to hate Gwen is how she acted in regards to her relationship with RHYS. There is a lot to unpack there so I’m going to put all of the Rhys stuff in one section, and then move on to the other reasons I’ve seen about the fandom.

Rhys

Cheating on Rhys with Owen.

The thing about Torchwood is that they deal with the shittiest parts of the Universe. Suzie was right about that. Gwen came in not really knowing what she was getting herself into. Suddenly, she’s thrown into this chaotic, messy environment where she’s almost killed on basically a daily basis and she comes home from work and she can’t talk about it. She has to pretend to Rhys that she spent the day pushing paperwork, when actually the deadliest alien in the Universe tried to cut her head open with scary conversion tools and a member of their team ended up being the reason for it. She deals with trauma on a daily basis and the one person she should be able to talk to, who should be able to hold her and let her fall apart to him, isn’t allowed to know. Of course she feels isolated, wouldn’t you? Our partners are supposed to be the people we go to for support and help, but she literally cannot tell him a single thing about her life anymore. But she gets home and she has to it there and think about everything that scares her and all of the horrible things she sees, the death and destruction and tragedy, and she can’t say a single thing about it.

So, of course the idea of being with someone she can talk to is tempting, being with someone who shares her experiences and can truly empathise with her fears and help her through this new, and tragedy-filled, way of life. Why wouldn’t she want that? Owen offers it. Owen. Who knows she has a boyfriend, who literally says “I torture people in happy relationships,” comes to her and says “you can share these things with me.” And lost and unable to talk to anyone else but him, she gives into the temptation. Because, maybe this is better for her than having a partner who can’t be allowed to know the new Gwen Cooper: Torchwood Operative. Maybe she can finally have someone who will hold her and help her through things she can’t share with her boyfriend.

Flirting with/“Throwing herself at” Jack

Not going to lie, this one really bugs me when I see it. Why? Because Jack Harkness instigates pretty much every flirtation they have. The gun range scene: Jack sensually moving against her body to “show her the proper way to shoot.” Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: that cellar scene, where he caresses her arm and gives her this line about coming back for her [ after he had just said the same thing to Ianto so ]. Her wedding: the nostrovite was the one to lean in to kiss Gwen, the one to say “sometimes you meet someone who knocks your world off--” whatever the wording is. That nostrovite, using Jack, knew that he flirts with her like that, for it was the one making all of the moves. 

Jack is this enigmatic, BEAUTIFUL man who swoops into the life of Gwen Cooper, shows her that the Universe is bigger than anyone could imagine, and flirts with her, looks at her like she’s the most special human being on Earth. It’s no surprise she got a crush. It happens. But never, does she throw herself at him, in fact he always seems to be the one trying to do something, even though he also knows she has a boyfriend and consistently reminds her to keep hold of that life. Yes, she kissed him in Day One. But you know who else kissed Jack Harkness even though she had a boyfriend? Martha Jones. People make mistakes. It was the heat of the moment where Jack saved this girl that Gwen cared for and was so scared was going to die, she saw Jack act gentle and kind and yes, she made a mistake. But, it happens.

If you’re going to crucify Gwen for making very human mistakes such as this, it’s unfair to crucify her and not the men who played just as big of a role in it. They’re in no way innocent and to turn Gwen into this horrid, cheating slut and not condemn the men for knowingly throwing themselves at her despite her relationship status is really, quite frankly, sexist and a double-standard. 

Drugging Rhys

A horrible decision. Wrong. Yes, she did something incredibly invasive and absolutely not okay. She did it because she was spiraling. The thing with Owen had ended and I truly believed Gwen realised that she needed and loved Rhys, that he was the man for her and she needed to hold onto that. But, she was still holding back secrets, there were still things she couldn’t tell him. She was feeling guilty and wanted to tell Rhys the truth. But, if he left her because of it? That’s it. She loses her life outside of Torchwood, she loses the one thing keeping her grounded on Earth as the Universe tears into her at work. Of course she’s terrified and yes, it made her do something incredibly not okay. She took away Rhys’s ability to choose for himself.

She shows remorse for this, obviously, when she refuses to retcon Rhys at the end of Meat. She won’t do that to him again, won’t take away his right to know what he knows. And then again at their wedding. Jack offers them both retcon and Gwen says no, no secrets anymore. In that moment, Rhys’s face almost seemed disappointed that they weren’t going to forget that hellish day, that maybe he wanted to remember it in a way that didn’t involve aliens and their families almost being torn to shreds. But, Gwen has learned from her mistake. She won’t do it again.

Also. Gwen is not the only team member who has done something like that, in fact they all have:

Owen: took away the agency of two people by spraying them with a perfume that made them want to have sex with him. Two people who didn’t want to before they were drugged. That is date r*** and it is very bad. But, Owen is forgiven by the fandom for it. He’s loved and not bashed.

Jack: literally retcons anyone who talks to him for too long.

Tosh: dug around in the inner-most private thoughts of the people around her, invaded the deepest crevices of their minds and peered in on their secrets. This is absolutely not okay.

Ianto: clearly took advantage of and manipulated Jack in order to save Lisa. Got two innocent people killed, nearly got the entire team killed, and then allowed Jack to be given to slave traders and killed, before changing his mind and rescuing him. These are really horrible things, and yet he is the fan favourite. 

Gwen has done no more wrong than the rest of the team. This is the point of Torchwood: flawed human beings doing what they can to save the world and that “flawed” descriptor is for Gwen too. 

“She’s a Bitch”

Oh I’ve heard this one a few times and it always confuses me. She’s a bitch? When? When was Gwen ever mean to anyone? 

When she thought the thing about Tosh’s boots over jeans look being out of fashion? First, it was her private thought that Tosh had no business listening to. Second, it wasn’t thought in a mean-spirited way, she was simply making a fashion observation. We all do it. It does make us bitches to point out when things have gone out of fashion. Tosh was more of a bitch to Gwen when she found out about her and Owen in Countrycide “didn’t take you long to get your feet under the table.” That’s a bitchy and petty thing to say, but no one is calling Tosh a bitch.

Is she ever a bitch to Rhys? Not that I remember [ of course beyond the everything up there ]. But, there are moments where Rhys is a total ASS to her. Her new boss runs up to her saying there’s an emergency and that she’s needed, what does Rhys do? He screams at her “SIT THE FUCK DOWN, GWEN”  in front of her boss. That is not an okay thing to do, ever. Then, there’s the moment in Adrift when he says something like “sometimes I really hate you, Gwen.” He says this to his wife because she’s going through something very hard on her that is making her question the Universe and because it’s swaying her decision on if she wants to bring kids into the world, he says he hates her. At this point, he knows what she sees, knows what she goes through on a daily basis and doesn’t bother to take into consideration that she’s stressed and traumatised when trying to get her to make huge life decisions.

Gwen has emotions, but she’s never flat out mean to people, but there have been times where others have been cruel to her, and they aren’t hated for it.

“What she said at the end of Meat was uncalled for”

This is what she says:

GWEN: But none of you have any partners outside of this. JACK: But we understand how you feel. GWEN: No, you don't. No, you don't, Jack. You all think it's cold and lonely out there. But it isn't for me because I have him. 

She isn’t wrong. She doesn’t say anything cruel about the team. She points out the fact that they can’t understand what it’s like to have to hide her ENTIRE life from her partner. Jack and Ianto have a relationship, they’re partners yes, but they can actually talk about how hard the job is, they can talk about Torchwood and the shit they see and how it affects them. Is it so wrong for Gwen to say they can’t understand how she feels that she can’t? The entire team apart from her have been so entwined with Torchwood for so long that they don’t have lives outside of it, and that’s what she’s saying and she’s not wrong. Why hate her for pointing out the truth because she wants to be able to talk to the person she loves about the harder parts of her life?

“She acts superior to the team”

This one I see a lot. That people seem to think she somehow acts like she’s better than them, that she acts righteous somehow. But, that’s not what she’s doing. I’ve made a post about this before, but I’ll sum it up here. Jack hired Gwen because he needed someone with a new perspective, someone who could see how what they do affects civilians and help them use that to work better. He brought her in to remind them that they need to do better by the people of Cardiff. 

And that’s what she does,

She calls them out for being callous about Carys because that’s what Jack hired her for. The girl was dying and to her, it seemed like they didn’t care and so she spoke up, like Jack had asked her to do. She realises that she’s wrong in a way and she adjusts how she goes about it. Jack consistently reminds her why she was brought on, to call them out when they needed it and to remind them that there are human beings that are affected by what they do and they should care. And then when she does that, the fandom hates her for it. Don’t hate her for doing the job she was brought in to do.

Her Miracle Day speech

The Gwen in Miracle Day is not the same Gwen who peered over that parking garage barrier to spy on Torchwood. She saw the worst of the Universe, she watched as so many people died around her. Her friends all died horrific deaths. She was yanked by Jack into this whirlwind of a life, into the chaos and destruction that was Torchwood-- and then he left her. 

GWEN: Are you ever coming back, Jack? JACK: What for? GWEN: Me. 

He says nothing and leaves anyway. She begged her best friend to not leave her, after the last of her friends was killed, and he basically said she wasn’t worth staying for. How could she not be broken after that? As two people very close to me have said [ credit to @cxptained​ and @agent-sato​ ]: everyone else on the team was brought into Torchwood already broken, Torchwood took them in and put them back together again. Gwen came into Torchwood whole. She had a life and was happy. She lived, but she was SHATTERED. Torchwood took her and broke her. 

So yes, she says something that is horrible. She says that when everyone else died and she survived, she felt better than them. But sometimes we have thoughts that we don’t control, we have thoughts that we know are wrong. She knows it’s wrong. Eve’s acting? You can tell that she had those thoughts and that she felt horrible for having them.

Not to mention, she says this as she’s trying to get her baby daughter back from strangers who have kidnapped her. She’s desperate and terrified and angry and her daughter is in danger. Her mental space is horrible right now. She was abandoned by Jack, broken by Torchwood and when he appears again and she’s dragged back in? Her daughter is put in danger. But she also missed Torchwood and Jack. She’s terrified and lost and conflicted and she said something bad. But she knows she is wrong.

And So...

Gwen Cooper is a human being. She is a character in a show where ALL of the main characters are written to be flawed and complicated and to make mistakes while saving the world. She was put through so much and it seems as though she’s blamed for the fact that it changed her and led her to making decisions she may not have made had Torchwood not dragged her in.

She deserves more than how she’s treated by the fans.

[gmariam321]

Hi! So I hit another milestone here - another 100 followers, which is just amazing! Instead of writing something new, like I did last time, I thought I would post the beginning of the story I’ve been working on for what now feels like forever. Because I like to share, and hopefully it will motivate me to keep going and get to the point where I can start posting it on AO3. Until then, I hope you enjoy the opening and find it intriguing enough to read when the rest of it is up. Thank you for following! Enjoy!

Working Title: A Rift in Memory

Summary: Jack is forced to deal with an unexpected loss, while Ianto must make a difficult sacrifice to fix it.  

Chapter One

Jack bounded into the Hub, still lit up like a Christmas tree with fairy lights wound around every surface Gwen had managed to decorate. It was overdone and out of place now that the holiday was long over, and Owen never stopped grumbling about it, but even Ianto had admitted that it made the Hub feel warmer on cold, dark mornings.

"Hey kids, we're home!" Jack called.

Gwen rolled her eyes in what Jack hoped was a fond, if exasperated, way. "That's so old, Jack. You need a new line."

"He's needed new lines since the day I met him," called Owen's voice from the medical bay. There were some mumbled agreements from the same vicinity. Jack exchanged a look with Gwen as they hurried over to the railing, glancing down to find the rest of their teammates.

Tosh was sitting on the bed, Ianto standing behind her with his sleeves rolled up and a plaster on the crook of his elbow. Owen was running some scans on Tosh, who appeared fine but was frowning as Owen ran his tests.

"What happened?" asked Gwen before Jack could say a word. "Tosh, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Tosh replied with a frustrated sigh. "Owen hasn't found a thing wrong, he's just being paranoid."

"Oi," said Owen, standing up and prepping Tosh's arm for a blood draw. "Do you want to wake up with tentacles and a craving for seafood tomorrow?"

"It's not fun," said Jack. "Especially the tentacles, although you can do this thing—"

"No thanks," said Tosh. Ianto frowned at Jack before looking away. "Draw the blood and make sure."

"Thank you," said Owen. "I do know what I'm talking about, you know."

"Most of the time," murmured Ianto, earning a good-natured glare from the doctor.

"What happened?" asked Gwen again. "Why do you need to make sure they're not going to grow tentacles?"

"We got zapped," Owen mumbled, bending over Tosh, then swearing. He motioned Ianto over. "Sorry, teaboy, but you helped with your own draw so can you manage Tosh's as well? Better than me nicking the artery and having her bleed out."

Ianto shrugged. "Always wanted to take up phlebotomy as a hobby," he said, and Tosh smiled.

"It's fine, Ianto," she said. "I trust you." He smiled back and followed Owen's instructions. Jack and Gwen stayed silent until they were finished so they weren't distracted. Leaning on the railing, Jack tried again, hoping to catch Ianto's eye for some sign that he was all right. "So what do we mean by zapped?"

Ianto glanced up, his eyebrows pulling together as he looked away with another frown. Jack filed it away as something to ask about later. He directed his gaze toward Owen.

"Hell if I know," the doctor replied. "We checked out that Rift alert while you two were chasing down those Weevils and found a piece of space junk in the park. And it zapped us."

"Is that a technical term, doctor?" Jack asked dryly. Owen shrugged and bandaged Tosh, then turned away to begin his analysis.

"I'm sorry, Jack," Tosh offered, standing and glancing up. "The scanner said it was safe, but I was about to pick it up and place it in the containment box when there was a bright flash. We all lost consciousness for several seconds and were on the ground when we came to."

Jack frowned down at them. "And you feel all right? You haven't noticed any side effects?"

"No sir," said Ianto, grabbing his jacket and starting up the stairs. He pulled his sleeves down and put his jacket back on before coming to stand with Jack and Gwen. "Other than a bit of a headache, that is. Which is probably normal after being zapped."

Jack crossed his arms over his chest as he studied Ianto. The other man was holding himself differently, stiffer than usual, and still wasn't meeting Jack's eyes.  Something felt off, and Jack didn't like it. Alien zaps were not usually a good thing, and even if they felt fine now, it could be hours before they noticed any effects.

"Around here anything is possible. Owen, do your thing and keep an eye on everyone. Tosh, did you manage to contain the device and bring it back?"

"Of course we did," she said, joining them upstairs. "I want to know what happened!"

"I know you do," Jack laughed, touching her arm. "But don't work on it too hard. How's your head?"

"Nothing some paracetamol won't help," she replied. "I'm fine."

"Take it easy and let us know if you feel any different."

"I will," she said, and hurried off toward her station, obviously eager to examine whatever it was that they had found. Ianto turned to follow her, but Jack stopped him. "Ianto, can I see you in my office please?"

Ianto whirled, a look of such wide-eyed surprise on his face that Jack frowned, once again noting the unusual reaction. "Er, yes, sir," he stuttered. Jack had thought they were long past that; perhaps the encounter had affected Ianto more than they thought.

"Gwen, get started on the Weevil report and keep an eye on the monitors for anything else we need to chase down. Hopefully the afternoon won't be as busy as this morning." She nodded and moved away as Jack turned toward his office, Ianto reluctantly following. When they stepped inside, he watched nervously as Jack shut the door behind them.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jack started, moving closer only for the other man to step away from Jack's touch. "You seem different."

"In what way?" Ianto asked warily.

"I'm not sure," Jack replied. "Something feels off about all this. Tell me again what happened?"

Ianto rolled his eyes; that, at least, was familiar. "The same thing Owen already described. We were walking toward the object—a small, black sphere—when there was a flash of light. I remember reaching up to shield my eyes, nothing after that. We all woke up on the ground, approximately thirty seconds later, with no apparent injuries other than a headache."

Jack thought for a moment. "Have you ever seen one before, this device? In the archives, in London?"

Ianto shook his head. "It didn't look familiar, sir, but I plan to head downstairs and check the files."

"Right," Jack murmured. He was watching Ianto carefully and noticed that the Welshman was once again avoiding Jack's eyes. Maybe he was embarrassed? Or perhaps his head was bothering him more than he wanted to let on. "Look, take it easy, and make sure you have your comm on so you can call if you feel any different and need help."

"Yes, sir," Ianto replied. It was far too formal for their normal interaction, even at work as employee and boss. He turned to leave, but Jack couldn't resist calling him back.

"Ianto?"

"Yes, sir?" he asked. Jack lost his nerve; maybe Ianto was simply rattled and out of sorts. Maybe he'd be fine later.

"Never mind," Jack said, not wanting to push even though his instincts told him something was wrong. "I'll come down when it's time for lunch. Maybe we can get some fresh air, pick something up for the team together?"

"Er," said Ianto, looking confused. "It's raining again, so I was planning on having it delivered, like usual. I'll report back in an hour, sir."

He dashed out the door, leaving Jack surprised and concerned, and feeling strangely hurt though he wasn't quite sure why.

* * *

Owen was convinced he was unaffected thanks to his undead state, and Tosh and Ianto appeared to be relatively fine as well. Owen had found nothing in their bloodwork to note, and neither had complained about anything else after their encounter with the alien tech that morning. Tosh's headache responded well to paracetamol, though Ianto did need more, admitting that his head was still bothering him. Tosh also seemed her normal self, but Jack still felt like something was off about Ianto. Different. Wrong.

The Welshman worked in the archives through the rest of the morning, then went up to the tourist office to collect the lunch order he'd had delivered. After which he worked in the tourist office for several hours. Though there were certainly days when they both did their own work and only met over coffee every few hours, it still felt like he was pointedly avoiding Jack. Every time he saw Ianto and made an attempt to talk to him, or touch him, Ianto responded with distance and discomfort, or frowned and backed away, as if he wanted nothing to do with Jack. He didn't seem angry or upset, but wary and increasingly confused.

When the Rift alert went off late afternoon, Jack took Gwen and Owen out to Splott, where they spent a miserable hour running down space bugs in a downpour that seemed timed to ruin their day. The creatures were the size of cats and didn't seem to like him at all, leaving Gwen and Owen to chase them into cages to transport them to the Hub. There were only half a dozen, but Jack hated them by the end, and couldn't wait to get back to the Hub to throw them in a vault, change, and warm up. He was relieved when Ianto had coffee ready for them, but disappointed when he disappeared with the space bugs almost immediately.

Once the space bugs were settled, Jack sent everyone home early for the night, hoping Ianto did not leave immediately. Gwen was the first out, as usual, followed closely by Tosh, but Owen tended to stick around longer now that he had less to do with his time. Ianto waved goodbye to the girls and began picking up. Jack leaned against the doorway to the kitchenette, watching him clean.

"You feel up for dinner tonight?" he asked, almost stepping back when Ianto turned yet another wide-eyed look on him. It was as if Jack had suggested something shocking, even though they usually had dinner together at the end of the day. Jack was certain something was wrong.

"Oh, er," Ianto stuttered, looking adorably nervous, only Jack was too worried to appreciate it because it was so out of character for such a simple question. "I was going to pick up something on my way home."

"Mind if I join you?" Jack asked, stepping into the small space. "We could call ahead to that Thai place around the corner from your flat, take it back to yours."

Ianto frowned. "Are you inviting yourself over to my flat for dinner?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused, then continued before Jack could answer. "Because I'm fine. I don't need a…a nurse or anything. You don't have to watch over me."

"Maybe I want to," Jack said. He moved closer to Ianto, who looked like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights, terrified and anxious at the same time. Jack felt awful, but something was not right, he could feel it, and he knew he had to push things to figure it out. When he reached out and took Ianto's hand, the Welshman tried to snatch it away, but Jack was prepared and held tight. "Something's wrong. Talk to me."

If Ianto could have run, Jack was fairly certain the man would be on the Plass by now. He shook his head. "Nothing's wrong, sir. I feel fine, except for a headache. Are you all right?"

"Of course I am, except for being worried about you. Why do you ask?"

"Because you've been watching me all day, like I did something wrong," Ianto replied, glancing down. "You're standing far too close for a proper boss, you just asked me out to dinner, and now you're holding my hand."

"I'm not your boss," Jack murmured. "Not right now."

Ianto clearly didn't understand. He huffed nervously and took his hand away. "Are you someone else right now? Or is someone else in charge, perhaps?"

"Ianto," Jack said, sad and confused at the same time. Either Ianto was playing a very convincing and cruel game—though to what end, Jack had no idea—or he really didn't know what was going on between them. Not that Jack knew how to explain, when they sort of were what they were.  "I'm worried. This isn't like you."

"What's not like me?" Ianto asked. Jack took a step closer and raised his hand to Ianto's cheek. The other man turned away from it. Jack brought his face back toward him, searched Ianto's eyes for the truth.

"It's like you don't know…you don't remember," Jack said quietly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ianto said. "Remember what?"

"Us," Jack replied, and Ianto shook his head.

"There is no us, sir."

He meant it as truth, and Jack felt his heart stutter a little in his chest. This wasn't a man who was unsure of his place in Jack's life, as Ianto was often wont to feel; nor was this a man angry with Jack and pulling away to avoid getting hurt, like he had done in the past. This was a man who genuinely seemed to have no idea that he and Jack were together.

Jack leaned forward to kiss him. Ianto watched him move closer, his eyes open wide as Jack kissed him. He did not return the sentiment and quickly pulled away. Jack let his head fall forward.

"You really don't remember, do you?" he whispered. It hurt more than he would have ever thought, to be forgotten by the man he was sleeping with.

"Jack, what's going on?" Ianto asked, sounding scared as he finally used Jack's first name.

"I don't know," Jack said. "But we'll figure it out, I promise."

"Figure what out?" Ianto insisted. "Because I have no idea what you're talking about, why you're …why you…" He waved his hand between them, apparently at a rare loss for words.

"Why I'm what?" Jack asked. "Why I'm so worried? Why I kissed you?"

"Both," said Ianto quickly. "But especially the latter."

Jack stepped back. "Do you remember what happened this morning?" His gut told him that had something to do with it. It was when Ianto had been in the medical bay that Jack had first felt like something was different.

Ianto rolled his eyes; that much at least had not changed. "Of course I do. I haven't lost my memory, sir."

"How would you know if you did?" Jack countered. Ianto opened his mouth once, then shut it. Jack nodded. "Do you remember going out with Tosh and Owen and getting hit by the alien tech?"

"Yes, and all of Owen's tests, coupled with several instances of your usual harassment the rest of the day."

Jack sighed. "I wasn't…never mind. Do you remember anything about yesterday?"

"I spent the morning in the tourist office, the afternoon making coffee and phone calls, and went home early." He paused. "Which was good, because it was storming."

"No, we stayed here last night," Jack said. He ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Everything else about the day is right, but we stayed in my bunker last night because we were too wet and cold to drive back to your flat in the storm."

Ianto crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter. "What do you mean by we? I remember going home last night, alone. It started raining as I pulled in."

"We went out to dinner on the Quay. It started raining as we walked back and we ran into the tourist office, soaking wet," Jack insisted. "Only for some reason you don't remember."

"No, I don't," Ianto replied. "Because it didn't happen. Why would we go out to dinner? Why would I spend the night in your bunker?"

Jack's hands went to his pockets as he thought about what to say. There was no way around it. "Because we're together. Us." Ianto looked skeptical, and it hurt yet again. "Yes, you and me. We had dinner last night and spent the rest of the night in my bunker…well, trying some interesting new things."

"What?" Ianto exclaimed. He stood up straight and pushed his way past Jack back into the Hub. "You're taking the piss. You're just trying to get into my pants, like you have been for months."

"No!" Jack turned after him. "No, Ianto, it's not like that. And I'm not making it up, either. Me and you…we really are…" He trailed off at the look of scorn on Ianto's face, as if it was absurd for him to even consider the idea of being with Jack.

"I don't remember it because it's not true," Ianto told him. "Because you would never… not with me, not after the Savior, after Abaddon… and I would never…it's ridiculous, Jack! Completely, utterly ridiculous!"

"What is?" asked Owen, coming up the steps from the medical bay twirling a pencil. Ianto whirled on him.

"Nothing," he said, glancing back and forth between him and Jack. "It's nothing."

"Must be something worth shouting over," Owen said with a shrug. "Although if you two are having another lover's spat, I'm out of here, because last time was miserable." He paused and made a face. "Especially when you made up."

Ianto's eyes went wide. "Last time?" he asked, his voice sounding strangled.

"Owen," said Jack, before Owen could make a crude joke. "I think that device affected Ianto after all."

"No, it didn't, " Ianto hissed. "I'm fine!"

Owen frowned at Ianto's vehement denial. "Why?" he asked Jack. "What's wrong?"

Jack took a deep breath. "He doesn't remember things. Like me."

[plounce]

compilation post of whichever bbc america employee who wrote the captain’s blogs being an ally and a hero via treating janto as more than just a sex joke, being genuinely warm and funny, and mentioning ianto super fondly in nearly every single entry (especially s2) because jack is in love with him despite what everyone else would have you believe. but i, a gay, know, and so does bbc america social media staffer circa 2007-2008.

some may call this “fringe canon.” i call it “some of the only specks of canon that respect the show’s canon gay relationship as the loving and affectionate relationship that it is.”

text pulled from ianto’s desktop, which is a fun read despite the defunct photobucket embeds - i only included captain’s blog stuff, but there’s a couple more janto tidbits in there. none as nice as these, though. under a cut because it is Long.

season 1

(one really cool thing the writer did for early season one is have jack note unexplained energy surges in the lower levels of the hub - handy foreshadowing for cyberwoman)

1x03 (ghost machine - alien tech leads to murder mystery):

Other issues: According to Ianto, Splott is pronounced "Sploe". I think Ianto may have been lying.

Upcoming issues: Energy surges in the lower areas of the hub still unexplained; there have been several more in the past week. Ianto volunteered to investigate, but has not discovered an explanation yet.

1x04 (cyberwoman - the episode where ianto’s secrets are revealed and we all have a Bad Time):

Other Staff issues: Ianto Jones temporarily suspended from active duty, to return at my discretion. His love for Lisa clouded his judgment, and he made some serious mistakes - but I have to wonder if I would have done the same thing in his situation. Ianto's personal needs and emotional state have been overlooked; I should not have missed something like this. During his suspension, I will try to spend more time with him. Hopefully we can establish a closer working relationship.

1x05 (small worlds - the one where the “fairies” abduct the little girl and jack has to let them, which makes everyone else very mad at him):

Staff: Ianto Jones' first week back after his suspension four weeks ago. I have tried to put him at ease, and have briefed the team to be as sympathetic as possible. Obviously there is a level of resentment remaining, but they are trying.

Other Staff issues: After what happened with Jasmine, nobody is talking to me (except Ianto). They'll come around. Everyone comes around.

1x06 (countrycide - the one with the cannibals and we all have a Bad Time):

Staff: Brought Ianto Jones along to get him out of the Hub, out of the city, get some relaxing time in the country with the team. May not have been the best decision I made this year.

1x07 (greeks bearing gifts - mindreading and predatory lesbian, the episode):

Other Staff issues: Ianto is still suffering, but putting on a brave face. Will try talking to him over dinner, outside the Hub, see if there's anything more I can do for him.

1x08 (they keep killing suzie - the episode that ends with ianto hitting on jack with a stopwatch):

Other Staff issues: Ianto and I stayed back to go over the case files and reorganize the safe. Internal security cameras were temporarily shut down to run diagnostic tests, so there was no monitoring of the Hub for approximately four hours - but there were no security breaches to report. Everything went very smoothly.

Upcoming issues: Need to requisition a new stopwatch. Old one damaged while moving a desk.

1x09 (random shoes - outsider pov, the episode):

Staff: Things seem to be calming down with everyone. Ianto is coping well; I'm pleased with his progress.

1x11 (combat - owen has manpain and fights weevils. whatever):

Other Staff issues: Ianto surprisingly proficient at the good cop/bad cop routine. Although obviously, he's the good cop. He's too cute to be the bad cop.

1x12 (captain jack harkness - jack and tosh are stuck back in time during the cardiff blitz and owen and ianto fight about what to do about it):

Other Staff issues: Ianto tried to stop Owen opening the Rift, and actually shot him in the shoulder. Everyone except Owen is finding this very amusing.

season 2

2x01 (kiss kiss bang bang - jack returns from his doctor who appearance, deals with his terrible ex spike from buffy, and asks ianto out on a proper date):

Other Staff issues: Gwen is now engaged. I'm happy for her, but I'm concerned about what it might mean - can she stay here, still keeping everything from Rhys? I worry that we're going to lose her. And I worry about Ianto. I think he took it harder than anyone when I ran off. It's going to take me a while to make things up to him. He is a decent, good man, and I'm lucky I met him.

2x02 (sleeper agent - the episode with sleeper agents):

Other security issues: Gwen taken hostage again. I’m beginning to think she’s jinxed. And why am I never taken hostage? I could be a good hostage. I never get any of that Stockholm Syndrome action. And according to Ianto, my bad cop routine needs some work.

Other Staff issues: I’m in trouble with Ianto for duct-taping a CB aerial to the SUV. Apparently the tape made the wing mirror “disconcertingly sticky”. Still, nothing a bit of warm, soapy water can’t fix.

2x03 (a man out of time - tosh’s cryo-boyfriend they unfreeze once every year. also, jack and ianto Have A Talk and then make out):

Other Staff issues: Ianto and I made some progress, talked things through. What happened with Tommy got to us all. I know it got to Gerald and Harriet, too, back then, considering what they went through to try and make up for it – but that’s another story for another day.

2x04 (meat - the episode with the whale and rhys finding out. some of the team gets taken hostage and ianto tazes a bad guy in the head and growls out “pray they survive.” or something and it’s VERY GOOD TELEVISION):

Staff: Ianto turned into a fighting, kicking, stun-gun machine, it was very exciting. I must get put in danger more often.

2x05 (adam - an alien infiltrates their memories and inserts himself into the team, and his plot is foiled by ianto reading his diary and finding inconsistencies because he’s Very Clever):

Other security issues: The only thing out of place was Ianto’s diary, which I found in my office. Naturally, I gave it back to him immediately after reading through it. Several interesting factual errors in there - and I thought he would know how to convert inches to centimetres. You think you know someone...

2x06 (reset - martha visits and owen ‘dies’):

Security: Must speak to Ianto about using names from ‘’Sex and the City’’ on fake IDs. Last week he sent me into an alien smuggling operation as ‘’Mr Big’’, without telling me. Wish I knew how he kept a straight face. I’d give him a stern talking-to, but I think he enjoys that too much.

(right after this is a very solemn paragraph about owen dying lmfao)

2x07 (dead man walking - jack resurrects owen and owen has manpain about it):

Other Staff issues: In big trouble with Ianto for risking everything to go and get the second glove. I should have told him before I went, but he’d probably have cuffed me to the chair to stop me. And I’ve fallen for that one way too many times.

2x08 (a day in the death - owen continues to have manpain):

Other Staff issues: Now that we have all tried, it is clear that only Ianto knows how to operate that damn coffee maker. I suspect it contains alien technology.

2x09 (something borrowed - gwen gets married, but not before playing host to shapeshifting pregnancy alien):

Security: ... Female Nostrovite proved to be extremely resilient to bullets, so I had to get my massive weapon out and take care of business. Ianto is still quietly chuckling about that now, days later. Gwen’s mother taken hostage. Must run in the family.

2x10 (from out of the rain - the terribly written ianto-’centric’ episode about circus film reel ghosts):

Alien activity: ... We only managed to save one of them, but that’s better than nothing. Sometimes in this job, one is enough. I can still see the faces of the people we lost - they weren’t part of this, they were just living their lives, until they were taken. Ianto took it badly, this one really got to him.

Staff: Have convinced Ianto to take me to a normal cinema, to see an actual movie. He’s also curious to know if I still have my old circus outfit. If I can find it, I think a private show is in order.

2x11 (adrift - gwen pursues a mystery about the people the rift takes and then puts back traumatized, even though jack resists. ianto is the one who gives her the info she needs. she also walks in on them naked in the greenhouse. wild):

Staff: Gwen would never have found the facility if Ianto hadn’t helped her. He was wrong to do that. But, of course, he was actually right in the end. There’s no way Gwen would have let it go. I should have trusted her with the information, but I knew what it would do to her. Sometimes, the only way to realise that you shouldn’t look behind that door is to actually go and look. Gwen learned that. Nikki learned that. We all did.

Other Staff issues: Seeing Gwen experience it for the first time took me right back to when I first heard that terrible scream. After Gwen had gone home, I just held on to Ianto for a couple of hours, as tightly as I could.

2x12 (fragments - a bomb explodes and everyone gets a flashback to how they joined torchwood 3 as jack and gwen rescue them from the rubble):

Staff: Everyone came out of the explosion pretty beaten up, but no major damage. We got lucky. And so did John. Because if he’d killed anyone - if he had hurt Ianto - I would have slowly ripped him limb from limb.

Other Staff issues: Although I have to say, Ianto does look good all messed up and dirty.

2x13 (exit wounds - jack’s brother comes back and blows up half of cardiff and kills owen and tosh):

Other Staff issues: The one glimmer of hope in all this? I still have Ianto and Gwen. Whatever the future throws at us, whatever madness the Rift vomits out next, whatever we have to face - Torchwood will be ready.

Capt. Jack Harkness.

Ianto, I know you’re reading this over my shoulder, pretending to fix that damn shelf. So get over here and take me out somewhere.

[jbharrisauthor]

Episode 1 - Timing is Anything - Chapter Three

Read Chapter One here

Read Chapter Two here

Who would have thought sorting through a bunch of images would be so relaxing and fun? They’d been at it for over an hour and barely made a dent in the assortment of archived Torchwood security footage. At some point they’d sat down and started arranging the pictures in order along the bottom of the wall.

Actually, The Doctor couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this mellow. Like she could just lay back and let the images fall on her like confetti. Why did that sound so strange? But also hilarious.

She laughed to herself, gaining Ianto’s attention. He sent her a lazy smile as he plucked down another image.

“What’s so funny?”

“I can’t remember.” She leaned closer to him. “You know, your eyes really are so blue. What on Earth is wrong with them?”

“There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re my eyes.”

“Maybe it’s my eyes. Is there something wrong with my eyes?” She went to lean in again, but almost lost her balance.

He caught her with a short laugh. “Whoa, how’s your sea legs?”

“Unsteady, it seems. Except I’m not standing on them. My legs I mean.” Her head spun as he pushed her upright and she tried to get her equilibrium back. “Of course!”

“What is it?”

“The incense.” She waved her hand around to indicated the air, almost swiping his nose off. “We forgot about the incense. I think I’m high.”

He frowned as though he was concentrating very, very hard. His blue eyes were a little unfocused. “I’m not sure if I’m high. I’ve never been high before. What does it feel like?”

“It feels like this.” She poked him in the chest and he looked down at her finger.

“No, I don’t think that’s it.”

“I mean, you’re high too. So whatever you feel like is what being high feels like.” She replayed the words in her head. She thought they made sense, but maybe they didn’t.

“Can you not talk in riddles right now? If I get confused, I think it’ll make me dizzy.”

He leaned into the wall and closed his eyes like he was all ready to take a kip. Well, that wasn’t productive in the least. They needed to get out of here and clear their heads.

“Come on, Mr. Jones. I think it’s time we went and found ourselves something to eat.”

He opened his eyes as she tugged his arm.

“But the pictures—”

“They’re not going anywhere.”

Together, they got to their feet, though neither of them were very steady. They leaned on one another as they walked out of the room, laughing as they weaved. In the corridor, they had to stop to avoid running into other people milling around. However, as she tried to side-step around someone, she completely misjudged and bumped into them.

“I’m so very sorry,” she exclaimed as Ianto pulled her back again.

“No harm done,” the young man replied. He had a girl hanging off his arm, a little like she was holding onto Ianto. “I don’t think we’ve seen you here before.”

“No, we’re just looking—” Ianto started.

“New!” She declared before he could do something completely unhelpful like tell them the truth. “We’re new. Nice to meet you.”

She held out a hand, which the couple took turns shaking.

“I’m John—I mean Jane Smith. That’s John.”

She pointed at Ianto who appeared to be having trouble keeping a straight face as he nodded.

“Your boyfriend is cute,” the girl said to her in a conspiratorial-sort-of tone, though she hadn’t lowered her voice enough to keep Ianto from hearing her.

“We’re not together,” Ianto announced in a too-serious manner. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Who isn’t here,” she pinched him, trying to send him a look so he’d go along with her. The incense must have been interfering with his usual investigation-incognito skills. Otherwise, what had Jack been teaching him at Torchwood all this time?

“Ow, why are you pinching me?” He tugged his arm from hers and rubbed the sore spot with a frown.

“It was just your imagination.” She patted him on the shoulder as the couple glanced between them, beginning to look suspicious. Time for some redirection. “So, what else do you do around here, besides the incense.”

“Well, you know,” the girl said.

“No, we really don’t,” she replied. “We’re new, remember? So how about you tell us.”

“The infinite unification ceremony.”

“The infinite unification ceremony. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” She looked at Ianto, who only shrugged. So helpful.

“Tonight, Pippin and Zalia will be joining those unified in infinity before them,” the young man said, still with a hint of suspicion in his features.

“And what might we need to do so we can come along?” she asked, sending the girl a friendly smile since she was being far more receptive.

“Anyone can come. It’ll be happening here at sun down.”

“You look familiar,” the young man suddenly said, attention fixed on Ianto. “Are you sure we haven’t met?”

“He just has one of those faces.” She reached up to tug his bowler hat a little lower and then took him arm. “We have to go, but we’ll see you tonight.”

Before they could reply—or the young man could work out Ianto was the same Ianto plastered all over the walls, she hustled him away, leading him out of the temple to the street.

“What just happened?” He took the hat off, running a hand through his hair.

“We just got a chance to find out some more information about who these people are and what they’re doing.”

“No, I think we just got invited to someone’s wedding.”

“Well, either way, we can talk to people and see if they can tell us anything we don’t already know. Are you hungry? I’m famished.”

“Actually, I would sell my soul for a strong cup of tea.”

She grinned at him. “How very British of you.”

“Welsh. I’m Welsh, remember?” By the amount of insult in his tone, anyone would have thought she’d questioned his integrity.

“Because there’s so much difference between the two.”

“I’ll have you know—”

“Oh, look, food!” She detoured him over to a street cart selling something delicious-smelling. Turned out to be a kind of marinated meat wrapped in a sort of crispy thin bread. They got a serving each, and then went back to the TARDIS.

After eating, she showed him where he could make a cup of tea, smiling since it looked like he was ready to get down on his knees in gratitude. She left him to it and returned to the main console room.  

Ianto joined her about ten minutes later with two mugs on a tray. “I made you a cup. And I found some jammie dodgers.”

“Oh, I forgot I had those. One of my last regenerations, I loved a jammie dodger. Of course, I also liked fish fingers and custard. It was a thing.”

He made a face at her as he handed over one of the mugs. “That sounds disgusting.”

“Actually, it’s not as bad as you might think.” She took one of the biscuits and went to drop into the seat, taking a mouthful of tea. Ianto set the tray on the floor and then sat down next to her.

“Maybe it’s still the drug-incense in my system, but I’m pretty sure this is the best cup of tea I’ve ever had.”

Ianto smiled as he sipped his own drink. “I have a knack for beverage making. It’s how I got Jack to give me a chance with him at Torchwood three.”

“How does it work now, Torchwood?” She shifted to face him. “I mean, Torchwood used to be this huge organization, before the battle at Canary Warf, with hundreds of people employed, endless resources. Now it’s down to you, Jack and Gwen. Just the three of you on the frontline against any extra-terrestrial threat?”

“That about sums it up.” He glanced down at his hands where they were wrapped around the mug. “I guess it’s nothing but an idea now, a memory. We could still run things when we had the hub. While Tosh and Owen were still alive. We were actually quite good at what we did. Saved the world dozens of times.”

“Then what happened?” she asked in a quiet voice.

“They died. The hub got blown up.” He took a sip of tea, his features becoming resigned. “It’s gone, all ashes now. But I guess we’ll find a way. We always do.”

“Is that what you want to do though? Find a way to keep Torchwood alive?”

“I want to be with Jack.” He looked up at her, and she could see he meant that with every fibre of his being. Ianto Jones was special, all right, she could see it in the spark of his blue eyes. Once he loved someone, he loved them fiercely, deeply, with steadfast, unquestioning loyalty. Jack was a lucky man. She only hoped he realized exactly what he’d stumbled across.

“It’s not the same thing though, is it?”

He stared at her for a long moment before glancing away, obviously not happy with her observation.

“So is there some kind of plan for this unification thing we’re going to tonight?”

Clearly he was trying to change the subject, but she’d let him get away with that little deflective manoeuvre, for now.

“The plan is we go to the ceremony, snoop around and ask lots of nosey questions.”

He arched an eyebrow at her. “That’s it? That’s the extent of your planning?”

She crossed her arms and levelled a challenging look on him. “Okay then, tell me what kind of preparation Torchwood would do for this sort of thing.”

“We’d start by getting a floor plan for the building layout so we can map all the entrances and exits. Then we’d make a risk assessment to decide what kind of weapons or tech we might—”

“Good God, that sounds boring.”

Ianto stared at her incredulously. “You think being prepared sounds boring? I imagine most people would consider it a smart way to make sure we didn’t get killed.”

“We’re going to a wedding or some such thing. I doubt anyone is going to try to kill us.”

“You think?” He gave a short, cynical laugh. “The last wedding I went to, at least half a dozen people died and Gwen almost gave birth to an alien spawn.”

“Then it sounds like Torchwood is doing weddings all wrong. The last one I went to, I ate too much cake and caught the bouquet. That seems far more normal.”

“Yes, well normal doesn’t factor in to anything Torchwood does,” he muttered. He grimaced and rubbed his forehead.

“Something wrong?”

“I think the incense is wearing off. Got a splitting headache.”

She shifted off the seat and took his cup from him, urging him to lay down. “You’ve had a long day, Mr. Jones. Why don’t you try to get some rest before we go out later?”

“Only for a few minutes,” he agreed, closing his eyes.

“A few minutes can make all the difference,” she murmured in reply. But he was already asleep.

Read Chapter Four here

[fafsernir]

I think my ask got swallowed (again🙄) but I was wondering if you could try and write some trans! owen harper?

Hi Anon! I’m sorry your ask got lost more than once! I reblogged this, so I hope people won’t have trouble anymore with asks getting lost :) (It’s both annoying for you and me) Thank you for sending your request again though! I’m glad you persisted.

Warning: I’m a bit anxious about sharing this fic because I don’t want to offend anyone. I am cisgender and I don’t pretend to know what it is like to be transgender. With that in mind, please don’t take badly if I mis-portrayed something, it is not intended and I tried my best :) (But don’t hesitate to point out what’s wrong and I will try to change it)

My ask box is still opened and now empty (and if you wonder, I got this ask exactly 24 hours ago and was busy all day. So, yeah, I try to answer quickly if I’m inspired!) And it’s probably the best way to keep me writing :)

Read it on FF.net or Ao3

Owen quicklyput on a shirt and got up from his couch, stumbling on his pants. Hetook them and put them on then opened the door, just so that bloodyring would stop.

“Hey!”Toshiko's enthusiastic voice said, and he groaned. “Yeah, I figuredthat would be your state. I brought breakfast,” she smiled, holdingup a bag.

He let herin, mumbling that she was too loud, and disappeared in his bathroom,taking a quick shower, swallowing medicine, and dressing. He likedTosh a lot, she was brilliant and a good friend, but he would ratherhave his hungover alone, sometimes. As he got out of the bathroom andsmelt the coffee, he thought back. Maybe it was better with hertaking care of him.

“Hey,isn't your Mum's name Carol?” she asked, reading something on thetable as she was filling two mugs with that miraculous beverage.Bless the inventor of coffee. Or bless the plant, whatever.

“Yeah,why?” He sat down, warming his hands with the burning mug.

“Who'sSarah then?” Tosh continued, frowning on the paper she was stillcaptivated by.

Owen let goof his mug and threw himself on the table, taking the letters nearToshiko, only to push them off the table.

“Fuck,”he groaned, slumping back in his chair.

“I don'trecall the mention of a sister in your file.”

“Tosh,just... drop it, okay?” he snapped.

Screw hismother. She hadn't even changed, after all these years. They didn'ttalk, he didn't even understand why she had suddenly sent him aletter. And with his luck, Toshiko of all people had seen it, seenthe name. God, how he hated that name.

“You knowI can easily find the answer, right?” she smiled in her mug. “Iwon't, I won't,” she added quickly at his glare. “Look, I'm justworried about you. I'm here if you want to talk.”

“I'm toohungover for this,” he mumbled.

She didn'tanswer and the conversation didn't pick up from there. They madetheir way into the Torchwood Hub later, still in silence, and didn'tmention the name after.

Owenregretted shutting Tosh off that quickly. Trust was an important partof their jobs, and he was afraid that she would start hiding thingsfrom him just because she now knew he did. But she hadn't talkedabout it again. Maybe he was a bit disappointed. So what if she knew?It didn't change anything. Plus, he really needed help to change hisbandages, because he couldn't do it alone this time.

He sighed,cursing the – dead – alien who had shot him, and walked toToshiko, determined. He had been thinking about telling her over andover, and he thought that someone knowing might help. At least forbandages, if nothing else.

“Come herea sec,” he said to his friend, walking into his own workplace aftera last glance to make sure that everyone was out.

“What'shappening?”

“Nothingdangerous, but... huh...” And now he couldn't find the right words.He could still use the plain words. Wasn't it a bit too plain?“I-I'm...” Nope, he just couldn't.

“Is itabout the other day? When I was over at your place?” she asked,smiling. He nodded, trying to search for a lie, now. “It's okay. Iknow.”

“You...know?” he gaped. What? What?! “What?”

“Well, Ifigured... I mean, there weren't a lot of possibilities, really.”

Damn Toshand her intelligence. Had she really guessed? “Wha-What do youthink you know?”

“Obviously,you have a twin sister named Sarah, who is a secret spy and gave yourmother your address.”

Owen staredat her. Maybe it was an okay lie. Too big, but if she believed it...“Y-yeah...”

“Owen, I'mkidding!” she laughed. “I'm just sorry your mother doesn't acceptyour gender,” she added more seriously, patting his arm.

“It's...Wait, you... are you serious? You don't... care?”

“Care? Ofcourse I care, I care about everyone here. Do I care that you weremis-gendered when you were young? Yeah, because now I get why youhate talking about your childhood. But that doesn't change anything.”

“Shit.”That was all Owen could say. He hadn't expected that reaction. He wasready to run away and never admit it to anyone. He had been doingfine by himself. But now Tosh knew, and she had reacted like thisand... it felt oddly good.

He hadwanted to talk about it, before going to her, but now that sheaccepted it so easily, as if he had just told her that... that heliked science! He didn't really want to talk about it. Was hedreaming? Maybe he was. If so, his dreams sure lost more and more oftheir interests.

“Youokay?” Toshiko frowned after a moment.

“Yeah...Yup,” he nodded, then remembered why he had been there in the firstplace. “Oh!” he exclaimed as he took his shirt off.

“What areyou doing?!”

“I neededhelp with those bloody bandages, they won't come off, and I need helpto change them,” he explained, trying to take them off withoutsuccess.

“Ooh,”Tosh nodded and helped him. She paused for a second, then took newbandages. “Is that why you tried to tell me?”

“...Maybe.”

“Wait,does that mean that if you had been shot at in the same way as theother night... You would have been forced to tell us sooner?” sheasked, working at the same time.

Owen thoughtabout it, then shrugged. “Dunno.”

She smiledto him and finished in silence, patting his shoulders after. She lefthim alone to his thoughts when it was clear that he wasn't much inthe talking mood – so back to his usual mood.

“Thanks!”he remembered to shout at her. He heard her chuckle, but she didn'tanswer.

He stared athis shaking hands, sighing. He had always thought about tellingsomeone in the team, but it had always been a bad moment. Anddelicate to talk about. He had seen enough bad reactions to still bescared to death to say it, even if he knew they wouldn't care. And itmostly didn't matter. He didn't see the point in walking around,telling people that his mother still called him Sarah because she wastoo dumb to accept his gender. Well, actually it did matter inTorchwood, but he was the doctor there, and he was aware of his owncondition, it had to be enough.

Now Toshikoknew. And it changed nothing, she still acted the same around him.She didn't comment, didn't even try to ask questions about it, andlater reassured him that she wouldn't tell his former name to anyone.He had appreciated it, and had appreciated even more the fact thatshe didn't once try to talk him into telling the others. Maybe hewould tell them, in time. Only if it was necessary. Maybe Jackalready knew, it wouldn't really surprised him. Ianto too, he couldknow things without anyone realising that he knew.

Owen shookhis head, checking his bandages, satisfied by Tosh's work. He hadprobably freaked out about this for nothing, but he felt as if aweight had been taken off his shoulders. In the end, it was a bitlike Jack's constant flirting with anyone – anything – they met.It was good to acknowledge, but at the end of the day, it didn'treally matter. Smiling at the thought, Owen started to tidy themorgue, in his own special sense of tidiness.